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AITA for not taking the side of a single mom and making her pay money when she is already broke?
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i (20f) have a little bro (7m) and my brother likes to play with our neighbour's five kids in their backyard. their mom is friends with my mom, and both of our families are very close.
so, usually, my brother, five kids and one other kid (10m, i'll call him james) play together. last month, james broke my neighbour's kids two toys and painted all over their sketchbook and threw their crayons in the trashcan. when the kids asked him about it, james blamed it on my brother. my brother later went to james's mom and james's mom told him to never tell anyone about it. she also apologised to the kids and told them to keep quiet about it.
my brother later told me about it. he said "i have a secret that i'm not allowed to tell anyone." and i asked what it was, and he wouldn't tell me about it and i got worried. he ended up telling me and he seemed proud to have a "special secret" i don't know.
this was very weird to me. my parents are busy with work so i talked to james's mom. she asked me to keep it a secret. she doesn't have money to pay for it. she's a single mom etc. i told her that they would probably understand and won't ask for money etc, but she told me to just keep quiet about it.
i ended up telling our neighbour, and james's mom is really angry with me. she told me that if she starves to death, it will be my fault. neighbour is definitely angry and asking for money because there are other broken things. i'm feeling kinda guilty because james's mom says she was saving money, and she was going to replace the broken things anyway. she just needed time. she wanted me to keep it a secret until then, and i don't know how to feel about it anymore. aita?
| 7,956 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ksf9si/aita_for_not_taking_the_side_of_a_single_mom_and/
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2021-01-07 15:17:24
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nta but the thing that bothers me most about this is that a grown woman is telling your bro to keep secret. you need to make sure your brother understands not to ever, ever, ever listen to adults who ask him to keep secrets. creeps who prey on children thrive with kids who are used to keeping "special secrets" with grown ups. that's so out of line.
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nta this isn't a "no victims" incident. james blamed your brother for something he broke, and his mother even convinced your brother to keep it a secret. the mother should be teaching her son how to be a better houseguest. and sadly, since she's proven she's willing to lie and manipulate, you have no way of knowing that she's actually struggling or if she's just making that up too. you did the right thing by telling the truth. james would have continued to blame your brother.
don't fall for that crap about "making her more stressed out." she's stressed because her son broke things that she can't afford to fix. that has *nothing* to do with you or your brother, and neither of you should never have been brought into it.
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nta.
she broke the biggest kid rule in the book. you never encourage a kid to keep secrets from their parent/guardian figure. not ever. as a mom herself, she should not only know better but she should understand how dangerous teaching kids that and conditioning them to do that could be. it is also not okay that she was expecting your little brother to take the blame for something her son did. that is terrible adulting/parenting and i firmly believe you did the right thing. if she doesn't want to have to pay people back for her kid breaking things and acting like a little terror, then she should teach him to not behave that way or limit situations where he can do those things if there is some sort of underlying condition that makes it more difficult for him to behave properly until she can be there to supervise and help him learn. it is also up to her to communicate to the neighbors that had their property destroyed by her son, explain she doesn't have the money upfront, and work out some sort of payment plan with them. she failed all around here.
truthfully, i would be much more furious at her than you seem to be if someone pulled this with my kid. of course, i'm more on the temperamental side of the personality spectrum (thankfully, my husband is chill!) but nonetheless, your little brother is very lucky to have you in his corner and you did the right thing. teaching kids to keep secrets is dangerous. full stop. and she was also teaching him to be a doormat and to take the blame for someone else. good job on your part for getting to the bottom of this and showing him those things are not okay! now, excuse me while i go seethe about what this woman did. absolutely horrendous behavior on her part... this whole thing is giving me secondhand anger.
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[deleted]
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nta
anyone who asks a kid to keep a special secret from their parents is not to be trusted (minus obvious exceptions like escaping abuse or fabulous present surprise).
if she was saving money to pay for stuff why did it need to be a secret?
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nta... i don't care how much money you make, if your kid breaks (especially maliciously) something, you have to pay for it.
and her saying that to a child is disgusting, i don't care if it's for a broken toy. you do not ever tell a child to keep a secret like that. this time it ended up being "harmless" but it could've been much worse. make sure your brother knows that he did nothing wrong, but adults do not get to have "special secrets" with him.
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nta-
don't let your bro around that woman alone. that's the kind of language abusers use and she seems mighty comfortable roping young kids into special secrets.
it's also not your fault if she starves, that's on her and her priorities.
lastly.... it doesn't matter if she was "saving money to replace", she was lying and dishonest about what happened so there's zero reason to believe she's not lying about this too.
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nta
> james's mom says she was saving money, and she was going to replace the broken things anyway
the hell she was. and just the fact that she's pulling the 'ol "my kid will starve in the streets now because of you" bs says a lot about her.
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nta-james’ mom is the asshole for not teaching her son to behave better, for allowing him to blame others for trying to place the responsibility of keeping it quiet on an innocent child and for blaming you for her own problems.
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nta
anyone who asks a kid to keep a “special secret” encourages me to fill up the wood chipper.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (20f) have a little bro (7m) and my brother likes to play with our neighbour's five kids in their backyard. their mom is friends with my mom, and both of our families are very close. so, usually, my brother, five kids and one other kid (10m, i'll call him james) play together. last month, james broke my neighbour's kids two toys and painted all over their sketchbook and threw their crayons in the trashcan. when the kids asked him about it, james blamed it on my brother. my brother later went to james's mom and james's mom told him to never tell anyone about it. she also apologised to the kids and told them to keep quiet about it. my brother later told me about it. he said "i have a secret that i'm not allowed to tell anyone." and i asked what it was, and he wouldn't tell me about it and i got worried. he ended up telling me and he seemed proud to have a "special secret" i don't know. this was very weird to me. my parents are busy with work so i talked to james's mom. she asked me to keep it a secret. she doesn't have money to pay for it. she's a single mom etc. i told her that they would probably understand and won't ask for money etc, but she told me to just keep quiet about it. i ended up telling our neighbour, and james's mom is really angry with me. she told me that if she starves to death, it will be my fault. neighbour is definitely angry and asking for money because there are other broken things. i'm feeling kinda guilty because james's mom says she was saving money, and she was going to replace the broken things anyway. she just needed time. she wanted me to keep it a secret until then, and i don't know how to feel about it anymore. aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i (20f) have a little bro (7m) and my brother likes to play with our neighbour's five kids in their backyard. their mom is friends with my mom, and both of our families are very close. so, usually, my brother, five kids and one other kid (10m, i'll call him james) play together. last month, james broke my neighbour's kids two toys and painted all over their sketchbook and threw their crayons in the trashcan. when the kids asked him about it, james blamed it on my brother. my brother later went to james's mom and james's mom told him to never tell anyone about it. she also apologised to the kids and told them to keep quiet about it. my brother later told me about it. he said "i have a secret that i'm not allowed to tell anyone." and i asked what it was, and he wouldn't tell me about it and i got worried. he ended up telling me and he seemed proud to have a "special secret" i don't know. this was very weird to me. my parents are busy with work so i talked to james's mom. she asked me to keep it a secret. she doesn't have money to pay for it. she's a single mom etc. i told her that they would probably understand and won't ask for money etc, but she told me to just keep quiet about it. i ended up telling our neighbour, and james's mom is really angry with me. she told me that if she starves to death, it will be my fault. neighbour is definitely angry and asking for money because there are other broken things. i'm feeling kinda guilty because james's mom says she was saving money, and she was going to replace the broken things anyway. she just needed time. she wanted me to keep it a secret until then, and i don't know how to feel about it anymore. aita? [/INST] nta but the thing that bothers me most about this is that a grown woman is telling your bro to keep secret. you need to make sure your brother understands not to ever, ever, ever listen to adults who ask him to keep secrets. creeps who prey on children thrive with kids who are used to keeping "special secrets" with grown ups. that's so out of line. </s>
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AITA for making my husband do twice the chores I do?
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my mil passed away three months ago. within a week we knew that fil was incapable of living alone. mil was an old school woman who took care of everything he needed. in the end, my husband and i had the extra room (sil didn't), so we asked him to stay with us.
at first, i did not say anything because he was upset and grieving. then i told my husband that his father needs to start splitting chores with us (my husband and i both work and split everything 50/50). my husband gave the usual excuses (he doesn't want to, he doesn't know, he would do it wrong and we would have to do it again etc). i reminded him that we split chores three ways when my mom stayed with us for a couple of months.
i split the chores 3 ways in t chart and did not do what fil was supposed to do. so, my husband ends up doing it. he is mad that i am making him do twice the work and that was not fair. i told him he could always ask his dad but he got more angrier. this led to a bigger fight and i told him that unless fil learns to be a functioning adult, he is never gonna be on his own and gonna stay with us forever and he better get used to this.
few days later, he spoke with his dad. fil pitched a fit (you are supposed to do this, you are not a real man blah blah). my husband got mad and both of us stopped doing anything around the house. yesterday he had to do the dishes and laundry himself. he said that we were trying to humiliate him and left to stay with my sil.
she ended up calling us all sort of things and how dare we treat her father like that. she accused me of doing it on purpose cuz i don't like my fil much. i told her that he can stay with her and hung up. she has 3 kids under 5 and lives in a 2 bedroom and having my fil there would be a lot of work for her. everyone in this family (including my husband who told everyone "she is forcing my hand") is against me and asking to be more considerate of fil and sil.
aita or not?
| 868 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ttp4gb/aita_for_making_my_husband_do_twice_the_chores_i/
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2022-04-01 12:08:25
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nta
your husband was fine with your mom doing chores when she stayed for three months but not when his father is staying indefinitely lol.
if he or sil have a problem with it then they can leave.
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nta. you're not a maid. it is a perfectly reasonable expectation that an adult do chores. my 4 year old does chores.
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nta. both men are entitled
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nta and you guys need to find alternative living arrangements for fil asap or your marriage is going to suffer. fils behavior likely won't change after a lifetime of being catered to. assisting living facility or retirement home. or fil can hire you guys a housecleaning/maid service.
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nta. fil is not incapable of doing chores, he is just lazy and by the looks of it, he's bringing his family up the same way. your partner should tell his father in the first place that if he lives with you both, he has to pull his weight. and sil is just as pathetic for saying anything. bet she wouldn't want to be running around after him.
his family are acting like this because you're willing to call out lazy behaviour which they have all allowed, and i bet the men all act the same. in the real world, most people have to do their own house work and chores, including when staying at others.
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nta.
this is his father who moved in under the expectations that the two of you put a roof over his head, and he doesn’t take advantage of that kindness. anyone who’s isn’t a toddler who lives there should have some amount of responsibility.
you tried talking this out with him, tried making it easy with a list, tried being understanding. you’ve done everything you could, minus being walked all over by this man.
your father-in-law was given a very clear choice. he either lives with you in a larger home and helps out around the house, or he lives in a tiny apartment with his daughter. he chose.
your sil can bitch and moan all she wants, but now she’s about to get hit with a reality check when her dad completely mooches off of her like she did the two of you. your husband, instead of having your back, has been trying to make marital decisions without you, complained when you expected him to handle his family member, and is now talking crap about you, and allowing everyone in his family to put you down.
this is not a marriage. he doesn’t support you, and doesn’t stand up for you. his family treating you with respect is not a priority. him treating you with respect is not a priority. i’d think things over if i were you, then have a long talk with him.
now your husband has a choice. he can either live up to his wedding vows and treat this as a partnership, and treat you like a priority by standing up for you and having your back, or he can move in with his sister and sleep on the floor.
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nta
&#x200b;
you are not making him do more chores. he is doing it to himself. he is refusing to have his father contribute, so he has to cover for that.
&#x200b;
3 adults, having everyone responsible for a thhird of the work and the costs is reasonable.
&#x200b;
&#x200b;
" fil pitched a fit ... yesterday he had to do the dishes and laundry himself. he said that we were trying to humiliate him and left to stay with my sil." - problem solved. you got free of an ah.
&#x200b;
"i told her that he can stay with her and hung up. she has 3 kids under 5 and lives in a 2 bedroom and having my fil there would be a lot of work for her." ... not if she makes fil contribute.
&#x200b;
&#x200b;
"everyone in this family (including my husband who told everyone "she is forcing my hand") is against me and asking to be more considerate of fil and sil." - they all are fine to do the work their father is not willing to do. they are just gaslighting you. if they were as considerate as they demand you to be, there would be no discussion here., and sil would take care of her dad willingly.
&#x200b;
and: your husband is an ah, but he probably is very grateful he can point at you and hide behind you.
and: you won. you got id of your uneasonable and leeching fil, and have a regained peace in your home. let them grumble, and enjoy your fil-free home. ignoring their grumbling is a small price to pay. just don't angage, and refuse to hear it.
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nta, he's got two legs and a heartbeat. want to live in your house, follow your rules. don't wanna, then he can find somewhere else.
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you should’ve let him live alone lmaoooo…. like why would you willingly agree to house a man that has never had to do anything for himself nta
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nta. fil is apparently an able-bodied man, so he can help with chores. you didn’t insist he do them all himself, just an equal share.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my mil passed away three months ago. within a week we knew that fil was incapable of living alone. mil was an old school woman who took care of everything he needed. in the end, my husband and i had the extra room (sil didn't), so we asked him to stay with us. at first, i did not say anything because he was upset and grieving. then i told my husband that his father needs to start splitting chores with us (my husband and i both work and split everything 50/50). my husband gave the usual excuses (he doesn't want to, he doesn't know, he would do it wrong and we would have to do it again etc). i reminded him that we split chores three ways when my mom stayed with us for a couple of months. i split the chores 3 ways in t chart and did not do what fil was supposed to do. so, my husband ends up doing it. he is mad that i am making him do twice the work and that was not fair. i told him he could always ask his dad but he got more angrier. this led to a bigger fight and i told him that unless fil learns to be a functioning adult, he is never gonna be on his own and gonna stay with us forever and he better get used to this. few days later, he spoke with his dad. fil pitched a fit (you are supposed to do this, you are not a real man blah blah). my husband got mad and both of us stopped doing anything around the house. yesterday he had to do the dishes and laundry himself. he said that we were trying to humiliate him and left to stay with my sil. she ended up calling us all sort of things and how dare we treat her father like that. she accused me of doing it on purpose cuz i don't like my fil much. i told her that he can stay with her and hung up. she has 3 kids under 5 and lives in a 2 bedroom and having my fil there would be a lot of work for her. everyone in this family (including my husband who told everyone "she is forcing my hand") is against me and asking to be more considerate of fil and sil. aita or not?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
my mil passed away three months ago. within a week we knew that fil was incapable of living alone. mil was an old school woman who took care of everything he needed. in the end, my husband and i had the extra room (sil didn't), so we asked him to stay with us. at first, i did not say anything because he was upset and grieving. then i told my husband that his father needs to start splitting chores with us (my husband and i both work and split everything 50/50). my husband gave the usual excuses (he doesn't want to, he doesn't know, he would do it wrong and we would have to do it again etc). i reminded him that we split chores three ways when my mom stayed with us for a couple of months. i split the chores 3 ways in t chart and did not do what fil was supposed to do. so, my husband ends up doing it. he is mad that i am making him do twice the work and that was not fair. i told him he could always ask his dad but he got more angrier. this led to a bigger fight and i told him that unless fil learns to be a functioning adult, he is never gonna be on his own and gonna stay with us forever and he better get used to this. few days later, he spoke with his dad. fil pitched a fit (you are supposed to do this, you are not a real man blah blah). my husband got mad and both of us stopped doing anything around the house. yesterday he had to do the dishes and laundry himself. he said that we were trying to humiliate him and left to stay with my sil. she ended up calling us all sort of things and how dare we treat her father like that. she accused me of doing it on purpose cuz i don't like my fil much. i told her that he can stay with her and hung up. she has 3 kids under 5 and lives in a 2 bedroom and having my fil there would be a lot of work for her. everyone in this family (including my husband who told everyone "she is forcing my hand") is against me and asking to be more considerate of fil and sil. aita or not? [/INST] nta your husband was fine with your mom doing chores when she stayed for three months but not when his father is staying indefinitely lol. if he or sil have a problem with it then they can leave. </s>
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AITA for scaring my kids
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a little background: i'm a sahm of 3 young kids. while it is chaotic, it's also a lot of fun.
one struggle i have is vacuuming. most of our flooring is wood or tile, so it's easy to clean. but, between three small children, messes are abundant, and i end up having to vacuum a few times a day. i don't mind it, as long as fun was had.
what i do mind is that, despite me waiting to vacuum until they're preoccupied with playing, all three start screaming (with glee) the second they hear the vacuum switch on, and dancing around it like they're at a pagan festival. i have to stop and start several times to shoo them away or retrieve a toy they deliberately throw into the vacuum nozzle's way. a 3 minute job turns into 15. this is one of those things that isn't important enough to warrant discipline (timeouts, revoked privileges) but it's still annoying. i just want to get it done and move on.
so, when we recently got a new vacuum, i told them to be careful around it because it might suck them up. it's bagless, and you can see inside the barrel part where all the dirt and junk are held. they didn't listen to me at first, and started up their craziness, so on impulse, i "accidentally" let the nozzle drift onto my oldest pants leg. we all know what happens when we plug up a vacuum, but my children had never experienced it themselves. he screamed, terrified, and all three of them began crying. i quickly turned the vacuum off and comforted them. after a few minutes, i turned it back on and they fled the room and i got to vacuum in peace.
of course, when my husband came home that night, i told him all about it and they added some colorful commentary. after they went to bed, we talked about it and he said i was a huge a for doing that. said that i might warp their minds or give them a complex. i disagreed, but he insisted.
maybe i need my parenting compass recalibrated. aita for scaring my kids?
| 464 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/f1u7qp/aita_for_scaring_my_kids/
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2020-02-10 18:10:07
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yta. husband is overreacting, but controlling them with fear and lies is not the way. it sounds silly to you that a vacuum could kill them. not to them. they fall for these tricks not out of stupidity, but out of trust. the vacuum is very dangerous-- they know this, because mom said it.
i just don't think it was worth it. make them go play in their room or something next time.
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nta if this scars them for life they’re going to have bigger issues when they have actual problems.
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nta. husband sounds a bit dramatic.
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nah. i'm not a parent myself but having three kids underfoot sounds difficult when you're trying to get something done. my ma once said "are you seeing this santa?" when i was throwing a tantrum and it shut me right up.
points for creativity.
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nta. it’s some good humored fun and i seriously doubt your kids will be terrified of vacuums for the rest of their lives.
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very soft yta as it doesn't sound like you tried many other things to get your kids to vacate space for just a few minutes so you could clean.
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nta your compass sounds okay to me. a generation or two ago might have been a swat. that's a f'ed up compass.
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these comments are absolutely ridiculous. nta! when i was younger my grandma had this monkey statue we were all terrified of, what did she do with it? put it in doorways of areas in the house she didnt want us to go in. just start saving money for their therapy sessions now and vacuum in peace!
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nta
when i was little and acting naughty in public, my mom would convince me that some random person there would take me with them if i didn't start behaving better lol.
my dad once told me that if i kept picking my nose, i'd end up with nostrils the size of quarters and buck teeth.
scaring kids may kinda be an asshole thing to do, but parents have been doing it for centuries.. that's how most urban legends are made!! google any mythical creature and there will probably be a story of a parent lying to their kids to make them behave tied to it lol.
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nta. yes there is a small chance that they'll carry a deep scar from this, but that would be an unusual reaction. and little kids can be scared of pretty much anything. are they still bothered?
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YTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
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YTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0.15977 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: a little background: i'm a sahm of 3 young kids. while it is chaotic, it's also a lot of fun. one struggle i have is vacuuming. most of our flooring is wood or tile, so it's easy to clean. but, between three small children, messes are abundant, and i end up having to vacuum a few times a day. i don't mind it, as long as fun was had. what i do mind is that, despite me waiting to vacuum until they're preoccupied with playing, all three start screaming (with glee) the second they hear the vacuum switch on, and dancing around it like they're at a pagan festival. i have to stop and start several times to shoo them away or retrieve a toy they deliberately throw into the vacuum nozzle's way. a 3 minute job turns into 15. this is one of those things that isn't important enough to warrant discipline (timeouts, revoked privileges) but it's still annoying. i just want to get it done and move on. so, when we recently got a new vacuum, i told them to be careful around it because it might suck them up. it's bagless, and you can see inside the barrel part where all the dirt and junk are held. they didn't listen to me at first, and started up their craziness, so on impulse, i "accidentally" let the nozzle drift onto my oldest pants leg. we all know what happens when we plug up a vacuum, but my children had never experienced it themselves. he screamed, terrified, and all three of them began crying. i quickly turned the vacuum off and comforted them. after a few minutes, i turned it back on and they fled the room and i got to vacuum in peace. of course, when my husband came home that night, i told him all about it and they added some colorful commentary. after they went to bed, we talked about it and he said i was a huge a for doing that. said that i might warp their minds or give them a complex. i disagreed, but he insisted. maybe i need my parenting compass recalibrated. aita for scaring my kids?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
a little background: i'm a sahm of 3 young kids. while it is chaotic, it's also a lot of fun. one struggle i have is vacuuming. most of our flooring is wood or tile, so it's easy to clean. but, between three small children, messes are abundant, and i end up having to vacuum a few times a day. i don't mind it, as long as fun was had. what i do mind is that, despite me waiting to vacuum until they're preoccupied with playing, all three start screaming (with glee) the second they hear the vacuum switch on, and dancing around it like they're at a pagan festival. i have to stop and start several times to shoo them away or retrieve a toy they deliberately throw into the vacuum nozzle's way. a 3 minute job turns into 15. this is one of those things that isn't important enough to warrant discipline (timeouts, revoked privileges) but it's still annoying. i just want to get it done and move on. so, when we recently got a new vacuum, i told them to be careful around it because it might suck them up. it's bagless, and you can see inside the barrel part where all the dirt and junk are held. they didn't listen to me at first, and started up their craziness, so on impulse, i "accidentally" let the nozzle drift onto my oldest pants leg. we all know what happens when we plug up a vacuum, but my children had never experienced it themselves. he screamed, terrified, and all three of them began crying. i quickly turned the vacuum off and comforted them. after a few minutes, i turned it back on and they fled the room and i got to vacuum in peace. of course, when my husband came home that night, i told him all about it and they added some colorful commentary. after they went to bed, we talked about it and he said i was a huge a for doing that. said that i might warp their minds or give them a complex. i disagreed, but he insisted. maybe i need my parenting compass recalibrated. aita for scaring my kids? [/INST] yta. husband is overreacting, but controlling them with fear and lies is not the way. it sounds silly to you that a vacuum could kill them. not to them. they fall for these tricks not out of stupidity, but out of trust. the vacuum is very dangerous-- they know this, because mom said it. i just don't think it was worth it. make them go play in their room or something next time. </s>
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AITA for saying no to a friend who wants to bring her new puppy to our Halloween party?
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long time lurker first time asker. so my roommates and i are throwing a halloween party complete with lots of food, sweet treats, games like flip cup and beer pong, party music, costumes, alcohol and some 420 friendly products. there’s likely going to be about 20-25 people circulating in an out all night. a friend of ours, we’ll call her ali, wants to bring her new puppy with her. now one of my roommates, let’s call her becca, reached out to me and our other roommate to ask on our friends behalf if she could bring the puppy. i said no and now becca is irritated saying that she already told ali it would be fine and now she had to go back on that since i’m not ok with it. i just don’t think bringing a puppy to a house party is a good idea, a puppy is not an accessory to show off at your friends party and that’s a high stress environment to put a dog in. it’s nothing against the dog or my friend, i’m sure the dog is well behaved, i just think it’s a weird flex to bring your puppy to a party. am i the asshole for saying no?
| 192 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dn1c9h/aita_for_saying_no_to_a_friend_who_wants_to_bring/
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2019-10-25 18:10:57
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nta who brings a dog to a party. much less one with alcohol and weed. i wouldn't let her bring it next thing you know it eats something gets sick then she's trying to make you pay a vet bill.
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nta. your house, your rules. house parties aren't good environments for dogs, particularly puppies.
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nta -- there's too much crap for a puppy to get into, including the pot, which can be deadly, and too many people for her to keep an eye. tell her you'd love to meet her puppy but you want it to be safe, so sorry, but no party pup.
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nta - it's your house and your party. becca is the asshole in this situation for "asking" you if it was okay when she already determined that it was.
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nta. the pup would be cute for about 15 minutes, and then it would be a burden. i have a 12 year old chihuahua mix that i literally carry in a pouch whenever we have parties. it is overwhelming for the dog, potentially unsafe, and stressful for the people hosting.
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nta - fuck people who bring puppies into environments that could be potentially harmful for the puppy.
if you want to show off your puppy take it to a dog friendly vineyard not a halloween party.
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nta. too much of a risk—someone at the party might be allergic, just really hate dogs, etc. she wants to hang out with her dog, she can stay home.
also, speaking as someone whose family brings their (oftentimes very ill-behaved) dogs to every gathering—i wish that all hosts were like you, seriously. you think i want your precious fido to piss on my christmas tree and crap on my floor? (yes, my family’s dogs have done both—multiple times. ugh ugh ugh.)
| null | null | null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: long time lurker first time asker. so my roommates and i are throwing a halloween party complete with lots of food, sweet treats, games like flip cup and beer pong, party music, costumes, alcohol and some 420 friendly products. there’s likely going to be about 20-25 people circulating in an out all night. a friend of ours, we’ll call her ali, wants to bring her new puppy with her. now one of my roommates, let’s call her becca, reached out to me and our other roommate to ask on our friends behalf if she could bring the puppy. i said no and now becca is irritated saying that she already told ali it would be fine and now she had to go back on that since i’m not ok with it. i just don’t think bringing a puppy to a house party is a good idea, a puppy is not an accessory to show off at your friends party and that’s a high stress environment to put a dog in. it’s nothing against the dog or my friend, i’m sure the dog is well behaved, i just think it’s a weird flex to bring your puppy to a party. am i the asshole for saying no?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
long time lurker first time asker. so my roommates and i are throwing a halloween party complete with lots of food, sweet treats, games like flip cup and beer pong, party music, costumes, alcohol and some 420 friendly products. there’s likely going to be about 20-25 people circulating in an out all night. a friend of ours, we’ll call her ali, wants to bring her new puppy with her. now one of my roommates, let’s call her becca, reached out to me and our other roommate to ask on our friends behalf if she could bring the puppy. i said no and now becca is irritated saying that she already told ali it would be fine and now she had to go back on that since i’m not ok with it. i just don’t think bringing a puppy to a house party is a good idea, a puppy is not an accessory to show off at your friends party and that’s a high stress environment to put a dog in. it’s nothing against the dog or my friend, i’m sure the dog is well behaved, i just think it’s a weird flex to bring your puppy to a party. am i the asshole for saying no? [/INST] nta who brings a dog to a party. much less one with alcohol and weed. i wouldn't let her bring it next thing you know it eats something gets sick then she's trying to make you pay a vet bill. </s>
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AITA For Waking My Naked Sister Up
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my sister likes to go skinny dipping and then sun bathe nude at our pool. i am her brother. she always warns me and the family so we don't go out there when she does that. i invited my friend over to go swimming with me at 2 pm. i told my sister this. she went out to skinny dip anyway and said she would be done by 1. we were the only two people home.
well 1:55 comes around and my sister has not come back inside yet. i call her only to hear her phone ring inside upstairs. i figure she had fallen asleep sunbathing so i went outside. sure enough she had fallen asleep sunbathing so i woke her up and said my friend will be hear any minute. she screamed at me that she's naked and to leave her alone. i went inside. she went inside a few minutes later.
now she is mad at me for waking her up because it means i went outside to her knowing she would be naked.
| 13,252 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hsozal/aita_for_waking_my_naked_sister_up/
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2020-07-17 04:06:26
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nta. y'all are more tolerant of this than i would be already. she needs to monopolize your pool for hours all the time because she doesn't want to put a swimsuit on? that's obnoxious af.
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unless you left something major out like, idk you woke her up by slapping her on the tits, then you're nta
lol i come back from a hell night at work! thanks for all the lol's and the 2 silvers my dudes, keep on not slapping your sisters tits!
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nta - what the hell? who walks around naked outside and then gets mad at other people when they *gasp* utilize the same space. at least you warned her your friend was coming over.
she needs to be recalibrated on sharing a little bit, that’s for sure.
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nta! what else were you supposed to do?
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nta. she doesn’t own the pool. she has no right to get upset when others want to use it. that’s her problem for being nude. she can put on a bikini and still get tan. overall she’s been immature
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nta and she's totally unaware; falling asleep while sunbathing is a sure way to develop horrible sunburns.
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nta, she can deal with a little embarrassment by being seen by a family member than have to all three of you be awkward that your friend might accidentally walk in on her naked. she should’ve had her phone and alarm, she’s to blame for her careless mistake of not getting out when she was supposed to
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i think your sister probably needs a reality check or 2
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she wants skin cancer that bad?
nta she needs to bring her phone with her so you can communicate without seeing her naked.
but if she passed out from heat stroke the emts or anyone else would have to see her naked so...
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nta but next time you could get an air horn
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my sister likes to go skinny dipping and then sun bathe nude at our pool. i am her brother. she always warns me and the family so we don't go out there when she does that. i invited my friend over to go swimming with me at 2 pm. i told my sister this. she went out to skinny dip anyway and said she would be done by 1. we were the only two people home. well 1:55 comes around and my sister has not come back inside yet. i call her only to hear her phone ring inside upstairs. i figure she had fallen asleep sunbathing so i went outside. sure enough she had fallen asleep sunbathing so i woke her up and said my friend will be hear any minute. she screamed at me that she's naked and to leave her alone. i went inside. she went inside a few minutes later. now she is mad at me for waking her up because it means i went outside to her knowing she would be naked.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
my sister likes to go skinny dipping and then sun bathe nude at our pool. i am her brother. she always warns me and the family so we don't go out there when she does that. i invited my friend over to go swimming with me at 2 pm. i told my sister this. she went out to skinny dip anyway and said she would be done by 1. we were the only two people home. well 1:55 comes around and my sister has not come back inside yet. i call her only to hear her phone ring inside upstairs. i figure she had fallen asleep sunbathing so i went outside. sure enough she had fallen asleep sunbathing so i woke her up and said my friend will be hear any minute. she screamed at me that she's naked and to leave her alone. i went inside. she went inside a few minutes later. now she is mad at me for waking her up because it means i went outside to her knowing she would be naked. [/INST] nta. y'all are more tolerant of this than i would be already. she needs to monopolize your pool for hours all the time because she doesn't want to put a swimsuit on? that's obnoxious af. </s>
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AITA for asking my nana to help me with my security deposit because I can't stand sharing my room anymore?
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i'm 17f. my parents had me young and recently produced a new baby. baby os now 9 weeks old and my parents have decided i can share my room with her. it's a 3 bed house, me and the baby in one room, my 4 year old brother in his and my parents in there's.
i hate sharing my room with the baby and i've asked more than once if i can share with my brother instead because he sleeps through the night. my parents have said no all times, saying that everyone would judge them.
so 3 weeks ago, one of my friends said she was moving out of her house and asked if i would like yo move out with her (i work part time and am in an apprenticeship as well). i said i would since i cannot tolerate sharing my room with the baby at all any more.
i said this to my parents and at first they got mad because they'll lose their 3rd parent but eventually accepted that it's not fair to make me share a room with a newborn who's awake at all hours many times a night.
the problem i ran into moving out is that i'm a bit off from the security deposit and the landlord needs us to move in or at least pay the deposit next week. i need to pay a tiny bit extra so i can bring my cats with me. i'm less than 100 off but i'm not paid for another two weeks.
my nana covered my older sisters (20f) deposit when she moved out so i thought to ask her first. my nana couldn't lend it to me but asked why i was moving out so young and i explained the reasons why. she got really really angry at my parents for the entire situation, saying that i'm 17, i need privacy etc etc.
my parents are mad at me for telling my nana why i'm moving out and think i'm a major asshole when i could've just said so i'm not spending as much on travel or whatever. aita?
| 2,030 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p4cher/aita_for_asking_my_nana_to_help_me_with_my/
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2021-08-14 17:39:40
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nta. you told your nana the truth, you’re not responsible for how she reacts and you weren’t obligated to lie.
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nta.
1- you had the decency to tell the truth to the lady who is lending you the cash.
2- why is the baby not sharing with your folks!? surely at 9 weeks old this is the more practical and safe option!?
definitely nta.
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nta. the baby should be rooming with your parents at this age, not with you. your parents kept that a secret solely because they know that it's wrong.
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nta, it serves your parents right that your nana knows they were landing you with the baby at night.
they are the parents. the baby should have been in their room, not yours.
if they expect you to lie to cover up their actions, they clearly know they shouldn't be doing what they are doing.
best of luck moving out op, you're only 17 and you deserve far better than how your parents are treating you.
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nta. she asked and you told her. your parents are only mad because they know they’re in the wrong. this is called parentification and it’s really gross and it looks like they know that. they shouldn’t be having kids if they are just going to push the responsibility onto you. it’s not your job. good for you for moving out!! you are going to enjoy life so much more now.
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nta. your parents are terrible parents and they're just upset that the secret is out.
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nta
what were you supposed to do, lie? the facts are the facts, no matter the source. you've asked your parents several times to change the bedroom situation and apparently sleeping on the couch or an air bed isn't a solution and now they get mad at you? no, they got found out and didn't like the repercussions. i don't understand why the baby can't be in your parents's room. i hope you can get the extra money to move out. good luck!
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nta
a sibling is never an additional parent and at this age the baby should 100% be with it's parents.
i'm just glad that it isn't left alone, that would be even worse and dangerous.
you are absolutely in the right to tell your nana. it was never labelled a secret and even then it would just be total bs.
good for you for moving out. just make sure that they won't suddenly drop your siblings of at your place "for the day" so they can enjoy some free time. it would be the best for them not to know your address.
maybe your sister can help.with the deposit?
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nta. your parents are for not keeping the baby in their fucking room. ridiculous. get the hell out of there or you are going to be babysitter for the next 18 years.
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nta
“…they got mad because they said they’ll lose their third parent.”
run. get out as fast as possible or you will be raising this child.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i'm 17f. my parents had me young and recently produced a new baby. baby os now 9 weeks old and my parents have decided i can share my room with her. it's a 3 bed house, me and the baby in one room, my 4 year old brother in his and my parents in there's. i hate sharing my room with the baby and i've asked more than once if i can share with my brother instead because he sleeps through the night. my parents have said no all times, saying that everyone would judge them. so 3 weeks ago, one of my friends said she was moving out of her house and asked if i would like yo move out with her (i work part time and am in an apprenticeship as well). i said i would since i cannot tolerate sharing my room with the baby at all any more. i said this to my parents and at first they got mad because they'll lose their 3rd parent but eventually accepted that it's not fair to make me share a room with a newborn who's awake at all hours many times a night. the problem i ran into moving out is that i'm a bit off from the security deposit and the landlord needs us to move in or at least pay the deposit next week. i need to pay a tiny bit extra so i can bring my cats with me. i'm less than 100 off but i'm not paid for another two weeks. my nana covered my older sisters (20f) deposit when she moved out so i thought to ask her first. my nana couldn't lend it to me but asked why i was moving out so young and i explained the reasons why. she got really really angry at my parents for the entire situation, saying that i'm 17, i need privacy etc etc. my parents are mad at me for telling my nana why i'm moving out and think i'm a major asshole when i could've just said so i'm not spending as much on travel or whatever. aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i'm 17f. my parents had me young and recently produced a new baby. baby os now 9 weeks old and my parents have decided i can share my room with her. it's a 3 bed house, me and the baby in one room, my 4 year old brother in his and my parents in there's. i hate sharing my room with the baby and i've asked more than once if i can share with my brother instead because he sleeps through the night. my parents have said no all times, saying that everyone would judge them. so 3 weeks ago, one of my friends said she was moving out of her house and asked if i would like yo move out with her (i work part time and am in an apprenticeship as well). i said i would since i cannot tolerate sharing my room with the baby at all any more. i said this to my parents and at first they got mad because they'll lose their 3rd parent but eventually accepted that it's not fair to make me share a room with a newborn who's awake at all hours many times a night. the problem i ran into moving out is that i'm a bit off from the security deposit and the landlord needs us to move in or at least pay the deposit next week. i need to pay a tiny bit extra so i can bring my cats with me. i'm less than 100 off but i'm not paid for another two weeks. my nana covered my older sisters (20f) deposit when she moved out so i thought to ask her first. my nana couldn't lend it to me but asked why i was moving out so young and i explained the reasons why. she got really really angry at my parents for the entire situation, saying that i'm 17, i need privacy etc etc. my parents are mad at me for telling my nana why i'm moving out and think i'm a major asshole when i could've just said so i'm not spending as much on travel or whatever. aita? [/INST] nta. you told your nana the truth, you’re not responsible for how she reacts and you weren’t obligated to lie. </s>
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AITA for indirectly forcing a guy to leave Starbucks?
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i went to starbucks to study today. i know that it’s not the best choice of venue, so i usually don’t study there, but due to circumstances i had to study there. i did buy a coffee and a pastry so i wouldn’t just be taking up a table without buying anything.
i was sitting at the table, engrossed in my work, when a guy came up and asked me if he could charge his phone at the table. i looked around and there were other empty tables, but i guess none close enough to an outlet for him. i said okay, no problem, so he plugged his phone in. he left for a while. then, he came back and asked if he could sit at the table. again, i said sure. he took out his phone and started to compose some sort of electronic music. he was playing these electronic notes over and over, no headphones. they were piercing, high, electronic notes, not pleasant at all, with some sort of weird drumbeat behind them. he kept replaying the same clip, adding a second or two, playing the clip again, etc,
i can tune out conversation and ambient music just fine, just as i’d managed to do before he sat down. but this was incredibly annoying. finally, i couldn’t take it anymore and asked if he could move to an empty table since the noise was interfering with my studying. he says no, this was the closest to an outlet, and pointed out that i let him sit down. i said i wasn’t aware that he going to be “composing” and i told him i just couldn’t study while he doing it. he demanded that i move, since i was the one bothered by his music, i was making the problem, and he was fine. i had all of my study materials spread out and i didn’t want to pack all of it up just to move to a different table, when i had been there first. i said fine, we’d share the table.
i pulled out my laptop and started playing some electronic music, louder than his composing. he said to turn it off, i said no, and that he was the one with the problem and i was enjoying my music. this went on for 5 mins before he left.
i’ve been thinking about it all day and wondering if i was being an asshole since i definitely got glares for playing the music, and i know he had a right to be in the space too.
| 3,745 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/devewg/aita_for_indirectly_forcing_a_guy_to_leave/
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2019-10-08 05:00:45
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nta - you just fed him back his bullshit. also people don't want to hear anyones music in a public place, dude needs to learn that, apparently he needs to learn the hard way.
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nta. the person playing music with no headphones where people go to study/work is always gonna be the asshole.
i mean i guess you were petty by playing music back at him but shit what else were you to do. serves him right that's obnoxious.
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nta. some people just won’t understand what they are doing unless you show them.
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[removed]
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esh. would you like to hear all this if you were one table over trying to study?
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nta- glad you gave him a taste of his own medicine. he reminds me of those people that go hiking or workout with a bluetooth speaker.
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esh. he obviously sucks but in your enthusiasm to get your point across you were also annoying and disturbing other cafe patrons so how are you any better? you weren’t an asshole to him since he didn’t deserve your consideration but you were to others.
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esh. i've had similar things happen in coffee shops. i quietly go to a worker (even if it means standing in line) and ask if they could tell mr. pushy to use headphones, at least. when i've done that, the worker (especially if it happens to be a manager) often looks relieved, and says, "thanks. we don't say things like that to customers if nobody complains."
you made things worse for everyone with your annoying response. that was tacky.
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nta and you did not force anyone to do anything. i mean at most everyone sucks because you made life unpleasant for the other customers
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esh - you two were probably the most annoying guests in that starbucks. imagine having to sit near **both** of you while trying to read a book.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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ESH
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NTA
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ESH
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ESH
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NTA
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ESH
| 0.331269 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i went to starbucks to study today. i know that it’s not the best choice of venue, so i usually don’t study there, but due to circumstances i had to study there. i did buy a coffee and a pastry so i wouldn’t just be taking up a table without buying anything. i was sitting at the table, engrossed in my work, when a guy came up and asked me if he could charge his phone at the table. i looked around and there were other empty tables, but i guess none close enough to an outlet for him. i said okay, no problem, so he plugged his phone in. he left for a while. then, he came back and asked if he could sit at the table. again, i said sure. he took out his phone and started to compose some sort of electronic music. he was playing these electronic notes over and over, no headphones. they were piercing, high, electronic notes, not pleasant at all, with some sort of weird drumbeat behind them. he kept replaying the same clip, adding a second or two, playing the clip again, etc, i can tune out conversation and ambient music just fine, just as i’d managed to do before he sat down. but this was incredibly annoying. finally, i couldn’t take it anymore and asked if he could move to an empty table since the noise was interfering with my studying. he says no, this was the closest to an outlet, and pointed out that i let him sit down. i said i wasn’t aware that he going to be “composing” and i told him i just couldn’t study while he doing it. he demanded that i move, since i was the one bothered by his music, i was making the problem, and he was fine. i had all of my study materials spread out and i didn’t want to pack all of it up just to move to a different table, when i had been there first. i said fine, we’d share the table. i pulled out my laptop and started playing some electronic music, louder than his composing. he said to turn it off, i said no, and that he was the one with the problem and i was enjoying my music. this went on for 5 mins before he left. i’ve been thinking about it all day and wondering if i was being an asshole since i definitely got glares for playing the music, and i know he had a right to be in the space too.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i went to starbucks to study today. i know that it’s not the best choice of venue, so i usually don’t study there, but due to circumstances i had to study there. i did buy a coffee and a pastry so i wouldn’t just be taking up a table without buying anything. i was sitting at the table, engrossed in my work, when a guy came up and asked me if he could charge his phone at the table. i looked around and there were other empty tables, but i guess none close enough to an outlet for him. i said okay, no problem, so he plugged his phone in. he left for a while. then, he came back and asked if he could sit at the table. again, i said sure. he took out his phone and started to compose some sort of electronic music. he was playing these electronic notes over and over, no headphones. they were piercing, high, electronic notes, not pleasant at all, with some sort of weird drumbeat behind them. he kept replaying the same clip, adding a second or two, playing the clip again, etc, i can tune out conversation and ambient music just fine, just as i’d managed to do before he sat down. but this was incredibly annoying. finally, i couldn’t take it anymore and asked if he could move to an empty table since the noise was interfering with my studying. he says no, this was the closest to an outlet, and pointed out that i let him sit down. i said i wasn’t aware that he going to be “composing” and i told him i just couldn’t study while he doing it. he demanded that i move, since i was the one bothered by his music, i was making the problem, and he was fine. i had all of my study materials spread out and i didn’t want to pack all of it up just to move to a different table, when i had been there first. i said fine, we’d share the table. i pulled out my laptop and started playing some electronic music, louder than his composing. he said to turn it off, i said no, and that he was the one with the problem and i was enjoying my music. this went on for 5 mins before he left. i’ve been thinking about it all day and wondering if i was being an asshole since i definitely got glares for playing the music, and i know he had a right to be in the space too. [/INST] nta - you just fed him back his bullshit. also people don't want to hear anyones music in a public place, dude needs to learn that, apparently he needs to learn the hard way. </s>
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AITA for telling everyone that my kids father thinks the “machines” do all the work for me, and I’m just lazy, making him look bad/weird?
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it’s sounds weird but let me elaborate… some backround: since covid hit, i’m in a weird spot. i (f34) live with my ex (m36) due to us breaking up and not having the finances to move into separate apartments. so since we live in a 3 bedroom place, our boys share one room, he has one and i have one. he works and i’m a sahm (it’s also important in this case to say that i have my own income through disability where i live, so it’s not like i don’t bring in my own money that pays bills, rent and buys food for the house, i suffer from chronic pain from an accident as a teenager) we have 2 small boys (7 and 3) he has a large breed dog and i have a cat. the house isn’t big but that also means that messes accumulate faster.
so recently since we’ve broken up, we’ve had issues. we had them before, which is why we broke up but they’re excessive now. like he seems to think since he works he doesn’t have to do anything. this includes: picking up after himself, spending time with the kids, even talking to them when he comes home (he demands at minimum an hour or more of alone time or he will just yell and scream like a bad tempered teenager) doing anything like feeding or washing himself, putting his work stuff away, you get the gist.
but the biggest thing he says is i’m lazy because: the machines do it all for me. the washing machine washes the clothes. the dryer drys them. the vacuum sucks the dirt and the dishwasher washes the dishes. i’m so lucky yo have things to do my job for me, i’m just being lazy and spoiled while he works…
but when asked “well then the machines do it for you too?” he says no…. because he works and he does stuff properly?
so i decided to tell a few of his friends and mine about it….. to which they were quite confused since they work similar jobs and also come home and help out…. so now he’s mad at me cuz not only am i lazy but i made him look like an ass “when he isn’t?”
fyi: i’ve been gaslit for so long, i just need some validation from the good old people of reddit. it may seem like a no brainer but it isn’t for me anymore…. because i’m actually starting to think that i should have just not said anything, since it’s getting worse and worse daily now. (i hope this is the right subreddit, this is my first time ever posting, so thank you in advance for any help for future posts i may make)
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uqvxmg/aita_for_telling_everyone_that_my_kids_father/
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2022-05-16 13:25:38
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nta. stop washing his clothes, cooking food, cleaning/ordering his stuff. you're now separated and should your stuffs independently.
the only common thing now is the kids.
although it's reasonable that he wants an hour alone after arriving home, he still has responsibilities in the shared house. he has to pay his bills, cook his food, do his laundry, take care of the kids, share time with them.
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don’t even give his stupid reasoning a second thought. honestly i’d be laughing inside about how dumb he is to come up with those theories.
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can your husband call me and tell me where the fuck he found those mysterious autonomous machines? last i checked the vacuum didn't operate itself and the dishwasher didn't pick up the dishes from the sink. crazily enough my dinner wasn't prepared by itself either. but hey maybe my oven is just lazy.
also where does your husband work? is he a cashier? he better not be using the till. maybe an accountant? must be hard not using computers in this day and age. oh, or he's a factory worker! he must be really good assembling all the parts by himself.
if anyone's lazy, it's him. the machines most likely do the job for him and when he's home it's his wife that does everything. nta.
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nta - do yourself a solid and get a lawyer.you need to file for divorce, child and spousal support and get him out of the house, yesterday.
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nta - being a sah parent is just as difficult and taxing as having a full time job (provided that you actually parent, and don’t sit on your ass all day) and you should both contribute to housework and care of children when at home
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: it’s sounds weird but let me elaborate… some backround: since covid hit, i’m in a weird spot. i (f34) live with my ex (m36) due to us breaking up and not having the finances to move into separate apartments. so since we live in a 3 bedroom place, our boys share one room, he has one and i have one. he works and i’m a sahm (it’s also important in this case to say that i have my own income through disability where i live, so it’s not like i don’t bring in my own money that pays bills, rent and buys food for the house, i suffer from chronic pain from an accident as a teenager) we have 2 small boys (7 and 3) he has a large breed dog and i have a cat. the house isn’t big but that also means that messes accumulate faster. so recently since we’ve broken up, we’ve had issues. we had them before, which is why we broke up but they’re excessive now. like he seems to think since he works he doesn’t have to do anything. this includes: picking up after himself, spending time with the kids, even talking to them when he comes home (he demands at minimum an hour or more of alone time or he will just yell and scream like a bad tempered teenager) doing anything like feeding or washing himself, putting his work stuff away, you get the gist. but the biggest thing he says is i’m lazy because: the machines do it all for me. the washing machine washes the clothes. the dryer drys them. the vacuum sucks the dirt and the dishwasher washes the dishes. i’m so lucky yo have things to do my job for me, i’m just being lazy and spoiled while he works… but when asked “well then the machines do it for you too?” he says no…. because he works and he does stuff properly? so i decided to tell a few of his friends and mine about it….. to which they were quite confused since they work similar jobs and also come home and help out…. so now he’s mad at me cuz not only am i lazy but i made him look like an ass “when he isn’t?” fyi: i’ve been gaslit for so long, i just need some validation from the good old people of reddit. it may seem like a no brainer but it isn’t for me anymore…. because i’m actually starting to think that i should have just not said anything, since it’s getting worse and worse daily now. (i hope this is the right subreddit, this is my first time ever posting, so thank you in advance for any help for future posts i may make)
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
it’s sounds weird but let me elaborate… some backround: since covid hit, i’m in a weird spot. i (f34) live with my ex (m36) due to us breaking up and not having the finances to move into separate apartments. so since we live in a 3 bedroom place, our boys share one room, he has one and i have one. he works and i’m a sahm (it’s also important in this case to say that i have my own income through disability where i live, so it’s not like i don’t bring in my own money that pays bills, rent and buys food for the house, i suffer from chronic pain from an accident as a teenager) we have 2 small boys (7 and 3) he has a large breed dog and i have a cat. the house isn’t big but that also means that messes accumulate faster. so recently since we’ve broken up, we’ve had issues. we had them before, which is why we broke up but they’re excessive now. like he seems to think since he works he doesn’t have to do anything. this includes: picking up after himself, spending time with the kids, even talking to them when he comes home (he demands at minimum an hour or more of alone time or he will just yell and scream like a bad tempered teenager) doing anything like feeding or washing himself, putting his work stuff away, you get the gist. but the biggest thing he says is i’m lazy because: the machines do it all for me. the washing machine washes the clothes. the dryer drys them. the vacuum sucks the dirt and the dishwasher washes the dishes. i’m so lucky yo have things to do my job for me, i’m just being lazy and spoiled while he works… but when asked “well then the machines do it for you too?” he says no…. because he works and he does stuff properly? so i decided to tell a few of his friends and mine about it….. to which they were quite confused since they work similar jobs and also come home and help out…. so now he’s mad at me cuz not only am i lazy but i made him look like an ass “when he isn’t?” fyi: i’ve been gaslit for so long, i just need some validation from the good old people of reddit. it may seem like a no brainer but it isn’t for me anymore…. because i’m actually starting to think that i should have just not said anything, since it’s getting worse and worse daily now. (i hope this is the right subreddit, this is my first time ever posting, so thank you in advance for any help for future posts i may make) [/INST] nta. stop washing his clothes, cooking food, cleaning/ordering his stuff. you're now separated and should your stuffs independently. the only common thing now is the kids. although it's reasonable that he wants an hour alone after arriving home, he still has responsibilities in the shared house. he has to pay his bills, cook his food, do his laundry, take care of the kids, share time with them. </s>
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AITA for telling my ex’s fiancée he has a son and letting her meet him?
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not many people knew that my ex and i have a son together, especially not people who knew both of us before. the reason being is that i left my old life behind after i found out i was pregnant. i moved to a different country and only kept in touch with one other person who wasn’t family. my ex is also extremely private so wasn’t exactly advertising the fact that we have a son together and both of our families have kept it quiet for their own reasons.
despite that, my ex visits our son frequently. he’s engaged to someone who we both used to be friends with. i assumed he would tell her about our son but he never did. she found out he kept visiting and came all this way to confront me. she wanted to know what was going on between us. i told her i thought it was best if she spoke to my ex but she started crying and i think she was having some sort of panic attack because she was in a really bad state. it was obvious what she was assuming was going on and i felt bad for her so i blurted out the truth; that he comes to visit his son.
at first, she didn’t believe me but when i showed her a picture of them together, she asked if she could meet him. i did agree and briefly let her meet him.
when my ex found out he was furious with me for interfering in his life. he said i had no right to tell her and that he was going to tell her himself eventually. he also said it wasn't up to me to introduce them and he seemed angrier over that than anything else. she also told others even though i asked her not to and the gossip is spreading like wildfire, so much so that my sister called me to tell me everyone was talking about it which i know both of our families are upset about.
aita?
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tzh2bc/aita_for_telling_my_exs_fiancée_he_has_a_son_and/
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2022-04-09 00:12:17
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nta! she was standing on your doorstep crying. you did what you could to get her to talk to her partner first. he was lying to her by omission, and if they're engaged, a child is an insane thing to hide. hes your son and shes his future step mom, they should know each other!
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i am just flabbergasted as to him not telling his fiancé he has a child. uh … i am for privacy, but damn. you’re nta.
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going with nta.
if he's going to marry her and he can't figure out a way to explain his visits aren't an affair without mentioning the kid before he wanted to, and causing her to go overseas just to get the truth, that's his problem. you were looking out for her mental health when he wasn't. the consequences aren't on you.
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nta what else could you have done? dude obviously didn't plan things out properly if fiancee managed to come all the way to your front door to confront you. also... when was he planning on telling her... they're already engaged.
she sucks for telling everyone even though you said not to. i hope you dnt get too much trouble from all this. keep well, you and your smol human.
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nta - they are engaged and he has not told her? what is he waiting for...the wedding? no, she was thinking you two were still getting it on and was distraught. you protected yourself from vicious lies about yours and his involvement. he should have told her way before engagement.
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nta.
she chose to travel all the way to where you live because she was suspicious (i don't blame her either). she confronted you and in an effort to make her realize that he wasn't cheating, you blurted out the truth.
you were forced into this situation because your ex wasn't being honest with someone he is planning on marrying! there's being a private person, and then there is hiding important information from the person you are planning on marrying. she went to you because he was being dishonest with her. his dishonesty caused this. not you.
it's honestly clear why you are no longer with him. he screws up, doesn't even tell his fiance he has a child, and puts you in a difficult position - then has the nerve to be furious with you?!
no. just no. he brought this on himself. of course his fiance was going to assume he was cheating when he frequently leaves and visits his ex, but won't tell her why. anyone would assume the same because after they got engaged she would assume he would've told her about him having a child.
you're in the clear here. i'm sorry you have to deal with this though.
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nta, he is mad at you but not his gf for coming to you for information on him? you have the right to introduce anyone you want to your son when asked. why is he not angry at the gf for opening her mouth up to the town. explain to this guy that you tried to get the gf to ask you herself but she freaked out on you. i totally understand why you no longer live there with a town of nosey gossips. your ex should have handled it with his fiancé first, now it is a big mess because of him!
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why is this kid being kept a secret from everyone? nta
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nta, he's already engaged to her and hasn't mentioned his kid to her? he wasnt going to, if you didnt tell her. it became your place to tell her the second she wound up on your doorstep in tears, which could have been avoided if he was honest with her to begin with.
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nta- she knew something was going on already and it was clearly already causing an issue. she probably thought he was cheating if i had to guess.
your ex made this situation and is now having to live with it- he should have told her before they got engaged really. and i'm not sure what your ex even thinks you could have said?
also, if i was engaged to someone i sure as hell would want to know that they had a kid regardless of the situation, it would concern me to find out that had been hidden
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: not many people knew that my ex and i have a son together, especially not people who knew both of us before. the reason being is that i left my old life behind after i found out i was pregnant. i moved to a different country and only kept in touch with one other person who wasn’t family. my ex is also extremely private so wasn’t exactly advertising the fact that we have a son together and both of our families have kept it quiet for their own reasons. despite that, my ex visits our son frequently. he’s engaged to someone who we both used to be friends with. i assumed he would tell her about our son but he never did. she found out he kept visiting and came all this way to confront me. she wanted to know what was going on between us. i told her i thought it was best if she spoke to my ex but she started crying and i think she was having some sort of panic attack because she was in a really bad state. it was obvious what she was assuming was going on and i felt bad for her so i blurted out the truth; that he comes to visit his son. at first, she didn’t believe me but when i showed her a picture of them together, she asked if she could meet him. i did agree and briefly let her meet him. when my ex found out he was furious with me for interfering in his life. he said i had no right to tell her and that he was going to tell her himself eventually. he also said it wasn't up to me to introduce them and he seemed angrier over that than anything else. she also told others even though i asked her not to and the gossip is spreading like wildfire, so much so that my sister called me to tell me everyone was talking about it which i know both of our families are upset about. aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
not many people knew that my ex and i have a son together, especially not people who knew both of us before. the reason being is that i left my old life behind after i found out i was pregnant. i moved to a different country and only kept in touch with one other person who wasn’t family. my ex is also extremely private so wasn’t exactly advertising the fact that we have a son together and both of our families have kept it quiet for their own reasons. despite that, my ex visits our son frequently. he’s engaged to someone who we both used to be friends with. i assumed he would tell her about our son but he never did. she found out he kept visiting and came all this way to confront me. she wanted to know what was going on between us. i told her i thought it was best if she spoke to my ex but she started crying and i think she was having some sort of panic attack because she was in a really bad state. it was obvious what she was assuming was going on and i felt bad for her so i blurted out the truth; that he comes to visit his son. at first, she didn’t believe me but when i showed her a picture of them together, she asked if she could meet him. i did agree and briefly let her meet him. when my ex found out he was furious with me for interfering in his life. he said i had no right to tell her and that he was going to tell her himself eventually. he also said it wasn't up to me to introduce them and he seemed angrier over that than anything else. she also told others even though i asked her not to and the gossip is spreading like wildfire, so much so that my sister called me to tell me everyone was talking about it which i know both of our families are upset about. aita? [/INST] nta! she was standing on your doorstep crying. you did what you could to get her to talk to her partner first. he was lying to her by omission, and if they're engaged, a child is an insane thing to hide. hes your son and shes his future step mom, they should know each other! </s>
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AITA for telling my mom to not come to my graduation?
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this happened a few months ago, but i’ve been thinking about it more recently. my mom (45f) and dad (45m) divorced when i was five. my mom cheated on my dad with tom, who was also married at the time. tom has 2 kids from his previous marriage. (they have one kid rn from their own marriage) as soon as my parents divorced, my mom got married to tom, and my dad got full custody of me. so, i only used to see my mom on weekends. tom’s ex wife is a super busy woman, so toms kids only see her on holidays. bc of this, i guess my mom felt some kind of responsibility to step up and act as their mom. she treats them very well, and does things with them that she’s never done with me. she picks them up from school, packs them cute lil lunches, plans them amazing birthdays, goes on amazing vacations with them, and participates in their lives fully. she chooses going to their school job events/meetings over going to mine. literally every single time. id ask her to do something with me and she’d say “omg sorry baby going shopping with toms kids” or something like that. she never did anything with me if it wasn’t a weekend. the final straw was when i had a super important state champ volleyball game and i asked her, “you’ll come right?” she told me, “of course!!” and she of course, didn’t come.
my dad got a girlfriend when i was 12, holly. holly is super lovely and treats me amazing. she has two younger kids who i absolutely adore. holly treats me like im one of her kids. she’s come to all of my important school events when my dad couldnt. she came when she heard my mom didn’t come to my state champ game. no hard feelings that i asked my mom instead of her, instead, she tried the cheer me up.
graduation time rolled around and i had already decided on who i wanted at my graduation. my dad, holly, and holly’s kids. as i was eating dinner at my mom’s on the weekend, my mom brought up my graduation and said she couldn’t wait to see me walk the stage. i told her that my graduation wasn’t a weekend day, so she wouldn’t be seeing me. she laughed at first but then realized i wasn’t joking. i told her that i don’t want to hurt holly’s feelings by inviting her, and that holly came before her because she’s more of a mother figure than my mom has ever been. i told her if she came , i’d be very upset. afterwards, my mom called me and apologized profusely and said she didn’t know i felt that way and that she’ll be a better mother. i told her i gave her multiple chances.
aita? i know she just wanted to be a good mom to kids who didn’t have a present mom, and as of now, she really wants to fix things. but i have already given up on her, i’ve cried too much bc of her and now i don’t like being around her.
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/x3uox0/aita_for_telling_my_mom_to_not_come_to_my/
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2022-09-02 06:53:34
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nta - you were and still are a child
she abandoned you muiltiple times. you now are old enough to process this and decide what is good for your own mental health.
you gravitated towards the woman who was actually there for you, even though she didnt need to. your mother made her choice very clear, her preferences are her step children and now these are the consequences of her actions.
dont feel bad. she really isnt a good mother to you.
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the cat's in the cradle. your mum is reaping what she sowed.
you have chosen the people who have been there and supported you to be at your graduation. your mum has a lot of making up to do. nta
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nta
>afterwards, my mom called me and apologized profusely and said she didn’t know i felt that way and that she’ll be a better mother.
she's lying. sorry to say this but your "egg donar" stopped caring about you and being your mother the day she cheated on your father.
she has only thought of and cared about what she wants and would make her happy, instead of you throughout the years.
idk if this was actually the case, but imo it seems like she prefered your father having full custody instead of 50/50 was because you were a constant reminder of her past that she wanted to move on from and had no place in her new life with her new family. so she dedicated her life to her husband's children instead.
and like most neglectful donars who abandon their children in favor of someone else's, she assumed that you were still the same child who would desperately run after her, seeking and longing for her and her attention. so when she
>brought up my graduation and said she couldn’t wait to see me walk the stage.
she thought that you were still that same child and would be excited to have her, finally, attend one of your events. however, when things didn't go as they usually did, with you declining instead, she didn't know what to do with herself then.
>i know she just wanted to be a good mom to kids who didn’t have a present mom, and as of now, she really wants to fix things
do not make excuses for her behavior. even if those kids didn't have a mother present in their life's, she made the choice to not be present in your's.
you shouldn't feel guilty nor obligated to have a relationship with your egg donar, because she was the one who was supposed to take the initiative to be a mother in your life and now that you've made it clear that you found a real mother in your father's gf (god bless her), all of a sudden she's ready to become mom now to her adult child. that's not how this works.
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nta. i think she needed this reality check.
anyway, sounds like she just started to understand that she was wrong, so i would give her another chance. but it’s up to you. only do it if you are comfortable with it.
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nta.
it is what it is. she had multiple chances. she didn't see the signs. her loss. if you don't feel comfortable having her there then you don't have to give her permission to go.
i do suggest giving her another chance in the future but to keep in mind and prepare yourself in case you get let down.
some people do tend to get oblivious while they get busy so it's understandable that there very well could be a good reason for her failing to be there for you time and time again. at least now that you've told her, she knows about it and may possibly try harder to make up for all the times she's missed with you. not saying it's a certainty just saying it's worth a shot.
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just because she's your blood relative doesn't mean she's your true family. you gave her so many chances to prove herself as a mother and she never did. you have every right not to invite her to the graduation. she wasn't there for you for other important events in your life, so what makes this any different for her? is it an attempt to redeem herself and make her feel less guilty?
anyways though, nta
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nta she has made her bed, and she will have to lay in that mess. too little, too late.
one thing to note, she may try and turn up at your graduation to attempt a fix. even if she is not invited. make sure you inform all those attending of the situation, to save any misunderstandings later.
oh and congrats.
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nta
she dropped the ball way too many times, now she can live with the aftermath.
her apology doesn't sound too sincere either :/ stick to your guns and celebrate with the people you actually want there.
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nta i hope you stick to your guns
my mom basically abandoned me when i was 2 and got remarried and had three kids (dads not in the picture), so i grew up with my grandparents. she visited maybe 2-3 times a year for purely business reasons never really just for me, so i never really saw her as my mom. she definitely prioritizes her three kids and i never had an issue with it because i assumed that she was making her decision as to who she wanted to be a mother to. i had my grandparents anyways and i love them to bits.
i graduated in 2017 and i really didn't want my mom to come but i was too scared to rock the boat. my grandparents are ashamed that my mom is the way she is but ultimately they feel like i should treat her as my mom etc etc.
so she comes to my graduation and takes heaps of pictures together with me. afterwards she posts the pictures on facebook about how she's so proud of me and all that jazz. (i was a bit of an overachiever in high school so i graduated covered in awards medals and sashes and my mom could not get enough of it).
needless to say, this whole thing of her parading around like she produced such an amazing daughter repulsed me. none of my graduation pictures do not have her in it and it kinda paints the day as not a great one.
if you do not see her as a mother, don't include her in your life events. i saw someone say that being a good parent doesn't mean only being there for the celebrations, it's everything else too.
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nta. she hasn't been there for you at any point in your life, you don't have to let her waltz in now when she feels like it.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: this happened a few months ago, but i’ve been thinking about it more recently. my mom (45f) and dad (45m) divorced when i was five. my mom cheated on my dad with tom, who was also married at the time. tom has 2 kids from his previous marriage. (they have one kid rn from their own marriage) as soon as my parents divorced, my mom got married to tom, and my dad got full custody of me. so, i only used to see my mom on weekends. tom’s ex wife is a super busy woman, so toms kids only see her on holidays. bc of this, i guess my mom felt some kind of responsibility to step up and act as their mom. she treats them very well, and does things with them that she’s never done with me. she picks them up from school, packs them cute lil lunches, plans them amazing birthdays, goes on amazing vacations with them, and participates in their lives fully. she chooses going to their school job events/meetings over going to mine. literally every single time. id ask her to do something with me and she’d say “omg sorry baby going shopping with toms kids” or something like that. she never did anything with me if it wasn’t a weekend. the final straw was when i had a super important state champ volleyball game and i asked her, “you’ll come right?” she told me, “of course!!” and she of course, didn’t come. my dad got a girlfriend when i was 12, holly. holly is super lovely and treats me amazing. she has two younger kids who i absolutely adore. holly treats me like im one of her kids. she’s come to all of my important school events when my dad couldnt. she came when she heard my mom didn’t come to my state champ game. no hard feelings that i asked my mom instead of her, instead, she tried the cheer me up. graduation time rolled around and i had already decided on who i wanted at my graduation. my dad, holly, and holly’s kids. as i was eating dinner at my mom’s on the weekend, my mom brought up my graduation and said she couldn’t wait to see me walk the stage. i told her that my graduation wasn’t a weekend day, so she wouldn’t be seeing me. she laughed at first but then realized i wasn’t joking. i told her that i don’t want to hurt holly’s feelings by inviting her, and that holly came before her because she’s more of a mother figure than my mom has ever been. i told her if she came , i’d be very upset. afterwards, my mom called me and apologized profusely and said she didn’t know i felt that way and that she’ll be a better mother. i told her i gave her multiple chances. aita? i know she just wanted to be a good mom to kids who didn’t have a present mom, and as of now, she really wants to fix things. but i have already given up on her, i’ve cried too much bc of her and now i don’t like being around her.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
this happened a few months ago, but i’ve been thinking about it more recently. my mom (45f) and dad (45m) divorced when i was five. my mom cheated on my dad with tom, who was also married at the time. tom has 2 kids from his previous marriage. (they have one kid rn from their own marriage) as soon as my parents divorced, my mom got married to tom, and my dad got full custody of me. so, i only used to see my mom on weekends. tom’s ex wife is a super busy woman, so toms kids only see her on holidays. bc of this, i guess my mom felt some kind of responsibility to step up and act as their mom. she treats them very well, and does things with them that she’s never done with me. she picks them up from school, packs them cute lil lunches, plans them amazing birthdays, goes on amazing vacations with them, and participates in their lives fully. she chooses going to their school job events/meetings over going to mine. literally every single time. id ask her to do something with me and she’d say “omg sorry baby going shopping with toms kids” or something like that. she never did anything with me if it wasn’t a weekend. the final straw was when i had a super important state champ volleyball game and i asked her, “you’ll come right?” she told me, “of course!!” and she of course, didn’t come. my dad got a girlfriend when i was 12, holly. holly is super lovely and treats me amazing. she has two younger kids who i absolutely adore. holly treats me like im one of her kids. she’s come to all of my important school events when my dad couldnt. she came when she heard my mom didn’t come to my state champ game. no hard feelings that i asked my mom instead of her, instead, she tried the cheer me up. graduation time rolled around and i had already decided on who i wanted at my graduation. my dad, holly, and holly’s kids. as i was eating dinner at my mom’s on the weekend, my mom brought up my graduation and said she couldn’t wait to see me walk the stage. i told her that my graduation wasn’t a weekend day, so she wouldn’t be seeing me. she laughed at first but then realized i wasn’t joking. i told her that i don’t want to hurt holly’s feelings by inviting her, and that holly came before her because she’s more of a mother figure than my mom has ever been. i told her if she came , i’d be very upset. afterwards, my mom called me and apologized profusely and said she didn’t know i felt that way and that she’ll be a better mother. i told her i gave her multiple chances. aita? i know she just wanted to be a good mom to kids who didn’t have a present mom, and as of now, she really wants to fix things. but i have already given up on her, i’ve cried too much bc of her and now i don’t like being around her. [/INST] nta - you were and still are a child she abandoned you muiltiple times. you now are old enough to process this and decide what is good for your own mental health. you gravitated towards the woman who was actually there for you, even though she didnt need to. your mother made her choice very clear, her preferences are her step children and now these are the consequences of her actions. dont feel bad. she really isnt a good mother to you. </s>
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AITA for thinking my parents should pay for my college?
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so when i graduated high school my parents made a deal with me that they would pay for 2 years of my community college with the college fund they had for me and i was on my own for the final 2 years of my bachelors degree. i agreed and thought this was definitely fair. i ended up getting a job my senior year of high school at an engineering firm doing some drafting work and decided to work there part time while attending community college to get my associates in engineering. i didn’t realize this company had tuition reimbursement until about 1 semester before i graduated with my a.s. they ended up reimbursing me for my whole entire 2 years of community college (about 10k). i decided to give this back to my parents and they were very happy as one would imagine. i then asked them if i could put this toward my final 2 years of my bachelors degree and they said no.
this caused a lot of arguments between us because in my mind they basically didn’t have to pay for any of my college when the deal was that they would pay for 2 years for the college fund they had built up.
they are pretty well off financially. the summer of 2016 after i got my a.s. they bought a new house and since then they have been purchased 3 brand new cars just for reference.
also another reference since i know this post might make me seem like a spoiled kid, i have spent about 35k of my own money built up from working the same part time job to pay for my final 2 years at my state university that i commute about 90 minutes 1 way to get to so i don’t have to go through student loans.
| 170 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/au1074/aita_for_thinking_my_parents_should_pay_for_my/
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2019-02-23 22:32:26
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nta, parents should have considered that money gone (and well spent) you earned the reimbursement.
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reasonable parents would have at least returned the $10,000 to you. that was the original deal. with 20/20 hindsight, you should never have told them about the reimbursement.
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why did you give it to them in the first place?
i mean.... the tuition reimbursement was something you worked for as it was a benefit of your employment.
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nta, ~~but i mean that in the lightest way possible. the agreement with your parents was that they would pay for the first 2 years of your degree, which they did, under the stipulation that you pay for the next 2 years. paying them back was not part of that agreement; you decided to do that of your own volition. the tuition reimbursement was something that you earned *outside of that agreement.* if your parents tried to alter the agreement afyer learning that your work reimbursed your tuition, then they would absolutely be in the wrong, as that wasn't part of the original agreement.~~
~~you did something honorable, op, but you didn't completely think it through and now you have to eat this loss.~~
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nah
i was in a similar situation except my parents divorced and spent all their money on cars, dates, and fighting each other. they backed out of paying for college or supporting me in any way.
which is fine, i'm not legally entitled to their money or support after 18. i'm just hoping they can afford nursing homes because they're not living with me or getting any support in old age.
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if your parents cashed a check that what in your name and took the money that’s theft.
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as a parent, in their position as you describe it, i would have put it back into your education. also as a parent who can't help her eldest who is applying for uni soon.. could be worse. i would be extremely proud of you working hard to keep yourself away from future debt. yta for the fib in your post though. always come from the truth. that's advice from a parent lol
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nta- you worked hard which resulted in 2 years of college paid for. your parents said they’d pay for 2 years. if you paid them back for the first two then they should pay for the second two. really the years were just switched. i think it’s kind of rude they did that to you, especially if they’re really well off. i feel like you need to have another talk with them about this.
my parents made a deal with me high school that if o went to a state school they would pay all 4 years but if i went out of state i was on my own. obviously couldn’t pass up that deal. but if they changed their mind mid way or pulled some shit like that i would have been so angry and felt it was unfair.
it’s just a matter of keeping their word and recognizing your hard work and they seem to not care about either...
i’m 25f btw.
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nta - that was your college fund. as in, that was your money, not theirs. your parents are assholes.
i'm a parent of young children. i intend to pay for their college, and if for some reason they can't go due to sickness/injury/they become world-famous musicians or something, that's still their money.
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NTA
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NTA
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NAH
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YTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so when i graduated high school my parents made a deal with me that they would pay for 2 years of my community college with the college fund they had for me and i was on my own for the final 2 years of my bachelors degree. i agreed and thought this was definitely fair. i ended up getting a job my senior year of high school at an engineering firm doing some drafting work and decided to work there part time while attending community college to get my associates in engineering. i didn’t realize this company had tuition reimbursement until about 1 semester before i graduated with my a.s. they ended up reimbursing me for my whole entire 2 years of community college (about 10k). i decided to give this back to my parents and they were very happy as one would imagine. i then asked them if i could put this toward my final 2 years of my bachelors degree and they said no. this caused a lot of arguments between us because in my mind they basically didn’t have to pay for any of my college when the deal was that they would pay for 2 years for the college fund they had built up. they are pretty well off financially. the summer of 2016 after i got my a.s. they bought a new house and since then they have been purchased 3 brand new cars just for reference. also another reference since i know this post might make me seem like a spoiled kid, i have spent about 35k of my own money built up from working the same part time job to pay for my final 2 years at my state university that i commute about 90 minutes 1 way to get to so i don’t have to go through student loans.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
so when i graduated high school my parents made a deal with me that they would pay for 2 years of my community college with the college fund they had for me and i was on my own for the final 2 years of my bachelors degree. i agreed and thought this was definitely fair. i ended up getting a job my senior year of high school at an engineering firm doing some drafting work and decided to work there part time while attending community college to get my associates in engineering. i didn’t realize this company had tuition reimbursement until about 1 semester before i graduated with my a.s. they ended up reimbursing me for my whole entire 2 years of community college (about 10k). i decided to give this back to my parents and they were very happy as one would imagine. i then asked them if i could put this toward my final 2 years of my bachelors degree and they said no. this caused a lot of arguments between us because in my mind they basically didn’t have to pay for any of my college when the deal was that they would pay for 2 years for the college fund they had built up. they are pretty well off financially. the summer of 2016 after i got my a.s. they bought a new house and since then they have been purchased 3 brand new cars just for reference. also another reference since i know this post might make me seem like a spoiled kid, i have spent about 35k of my own money built up from working the same part time job to pay for my final 2 years at my state university that i commute about 90 minutes 1 way to get to so i don’t have to go through student loans. [/INST] nta, parents should have considered that money gone (and well spent) you earned the reimbursement. </s>
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AITA first telling a pregnant woman she shouldn't use the handicapped fitting room
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i work at a retail store mainly in the fitting rooms. there are 9 regular sized rooms and two handicapped rooms. the handicapped room are roughly twice as long as a regular fitting room so people do want to go to them. since i work fitting room, i don't really let people use the handicapped rooms unless that person was handicapped, it's a family, it's a parent with a stroller, or the regular rooms were all occupied.
this day was particularly busy but there were still a few open rooms. i was cleaning out the rooms when i noticed a woman about to enter the handicapped room. i quickly walked up to her and let her know that these rooms are for handicapped people and she should use a regular room. her husband comes in and let's me know that his wife was pregnant. and when she turned around, it did look like she was in deed pregnant. i froze for a second. she was pregnant, but she didn't seem to be struggling at all. she walked fine and she seemed healthy and not nauseous. so i asking them if her being pregnant was a handicap to herself. after i asked she just said she'd just go to the regular room. the husband gave me a scowl for doing that but i fell i was justified.
i talked to my coworker after that and she wasn't sure if it was okay that i did that but i thought it was okay so, aita?
| 1,559 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/fcfckl/aita_first_telling_a_pregnant_woman_she_shouldnt/
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2020-03-02 17:16:41
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yta. handicap rooms, like bathrooms, are handicap accessible and not reserved like parking spaces. the woman was pregnant and probably needed more space than the other rooms.
also, you could get yourself in legal trouble blocking those rooms like that. i just wouldn't, and if someone does come along who obviously needs the room and they're taken just have them wait. a non-disabled customer would have to wait too if the stalls were full.
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a lot of people have invisible disabilities anyway, so yta for assuming anyone using that room isn’t disabled.
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yta maybe she finds it difficult to bend over and needs the space. jeez the tiniest amount of power you give ppl really goes to their heads...
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yta! pregnant people tend to have a hard time bending over and moving in some directions. they are, in a way, handicapped.
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yta. fitting rooms are handicap accessible, not handicap exclusive.
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yta, mind your business. if there had been a woman in a wheelchair wanting to try on that might be understandable to ask the pregnant woman if she might use a regular fitting room (which i’m sure she would have done without being asked if she saw someone with bulky adaptive equipment and mobility devices) but for you to assume she doesn’t need the room because she “looks fine” is ridiculous. you don’t decide.
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yta- you aren’t going to always be able to tell when someone has difficulty moving or something else that the bigger dressing room is needed for. don’t be a dressing room tyrant and make people explain their disabilities to you.
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yta.
never been pregnant, but pretty sure it’s harder to change and move when pregnant so a bigger fitting room would probably had been nice for a pregnant woman.
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yta. you don't have the skill or knowledge to decide whether or not somebody qualifies as handicapped enough to use a designated fitting room, and trying to deny access could open your company to legal consequences.
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yta
please don't act entitled to tell people if they are or are not handicapped. even if she weren't pregnant and wanted to use the room, who are you to make her "prove" the need?
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i work at a retail store mainly in the fitting rooms. there are 9 regular sized rooms and two handicapped rooms. the handicapped room are roughly twice as long as a regular fitting room so people do want to go to them. since i work fitting room, i don't really let people use the handicapped rooms unless that person was handicapped, it's a family, it's a parent with a stroller, or the regular rooms were all occupied. this day was particularly busy but there were still a few open rooms. i was cleaning out the rooms when i noticed a woman about to enter the handicapped room. i quickly walked up to her and let her know that these rooms are for handicapped people and she should use a regular room. her husband comes in and let's me know that his wife was pregnant. and when she turned around, it did look like she was in deed pregnant. i froze for a second. she was pregnant, but she didn't seem to be struggling at all. she walked fine and she seemed healthy and not nauseous. so i asking them if her being pregnant was a handicap to herself. after i asked she just said she'd just go to the regular room. the husband gave me a scowl for doing that but i fell i was justified. i talked to my coworker after that and she wasn't sure if it was okay that i did that but i thought it was okay so, aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i work at a retail store mainly in the fitting rooms. there are 9 regular sized rooms and two handicapped rooms. the handicapped room are roughly twice as long as a regular fitting room so people do want to go to them. since i work fitting room, i don't really let people use the handicapped rooms unless that person was handicapped, it's a family, it's a parent with a stroller, or the regular rooms were all occupied. this day was particularly busy but there were still a few open rooms. i was cleaning out the rooms when i noticed a woman about to enter the handicapped room. i quickly walked up to her and let her know that these rooms are for handicapped people and she should use a regular room. her husband comes in and let's me know that his wife was pregnant. and when she turned around, it did look like she was in deed pregnant. i froze for a second. she was pregnant, but she didn't seem to be struggling at all. she walked fine and she seemed healthy and not nauseous. so i asking them if her being pregnant was a handicap to herself. after i asked she just said she'd just go to the regular room. the husband gave me a scowl for doing that but i fell i was justified. i talked to my coworker after that and she wasn't sure if it was okay that i did that but i thought it was okay so, aita? [/INST] yta. handicap rooms, like bathrooms, are handicap accessible and not reserved like parking spaces. the woman was pregnant and probably needed more space than the other rooms. also, you could get yourself in legal trouble blocking those rooms like that. i just wouldn't, and if someone does come along who obviously needs the room and they're taken just have them wait. a non-disabled customer would have to wait too if the stalls were full. </s>
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AITA for telling my sister that I don't care about the fact that her husbands brother got his wife pregnant
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my sister is married, her husband has a brother...who is also married. i've met my sisters husband brother...once in my life. he's a fine lad, but we aren't friends, hell i don't even know his name.
anyway this is basically the transcript of the chat
sister: did you hear that marks (sisters husband) brother wife is pregnant
me: that's cool
sister: aren't you excited for them?
me: happy for them, sure.
sister: you don't sound excited, do you care?
me: not really...but good for them seems like a good dude.
sister: they've been trying really hard
me: awesome
sister: you should be more excited
me: i'm busy, talk later
my sister then bitched to both my wife and my mom about how little i care about the fact my sisters husband wife is pregnant. my sister called me an asshole for not caring more about such big news.
so reddit, am i an asshole for not caring that my sisters husband's brother wife is now pregnant?
i want to stress, i just don't care. neither good nor bad. i'm sure if we had a closer relationship (with my sisters husband's brother wife) i'd care more...but i'm just not close to them.
| 1,396 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y3myqb/aita_for_telling_my_sister_that_i_dont_care_about/
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2022-10-14 07:16:11
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nta.
i'll never understand the futility of people demanding that others have different emotional responses. they're not choices.
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nta - i think sometimes people try to reflect their joy onto others.. and those kind of people will flip you off when you don't think it's as exciting..
i dont get how people can't understand that not everyone feels the same..
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nta but i’m curious - could your sister also be pregnant and hinting/seeing if you are excited about the news?
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i don't even know the sister of my sister's husband.
nta.
why would you care about people you only know their existance of? i certainly don't lol.
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nta
honestly why should you care?
why is she making such a big deal about this? that is the big question.
because it is not big news to you compared to everything else more important than their pregnancy.
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nta you were polite and the she kept oddly pressing you. are you supposed to lie to her *very precise* questions? why does she care so much about what you think about this? is she going through similar fertility struggles or something?
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my dogs aunt's sisters brother got a neematoad...aren't you excited?
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nta - your sister is odd.
wonder what your mother and your wifes reactions were hen she tattled on you. lol
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nta. your sister needs to chill.
who cares who's pregnant? unless you're personally close to people it really doesn't matter, it's exactly as you write, "good for them".
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nta, that is your sisters husbands family, not really part of your direct family tree. your emotional reaction seems to be spot on, cool, congrats, seems like a good dude. you dont really know the guy, why should you care?
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my sister is married, her husband has a brother...who is also married. i've met my sisters husband brother...once in my life. he's a fine lad, but we aren't friends, hell i don't even know his name. anyway this is basically the transcript of the chat sister: did you hear that marks (sisters husband) brother wife is pregnant me: that's cool sister: aren't you excited for them? me: happy for them, sure. sister: you don't sound excited, do you care? me: not really...but good for them seems like a good dude. sister: they've been trying really hard me: awesome sister: you should be more excited me: i'm busy, talk later my sister then bitched to both my wife and my mom about how little i care about the fact my sisters husband wife is pregnant. my sister called me an asshole for not caring more about such big news. so reddit, am i an asshole for not caring that my sisters husband's brother wife is now pregnant? i want to stress, i just don't care. neither good nor bad. i'm sure if we had a closer relationship (with my sisters husband's brother wife) i'd care more...but i'm just not close to them.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
my sister is married, her husband has a brother...who is also married. i've met my sisters husband brother...once in my life. he's a fine lad, but we aren't friends, hell i don't even know his name. anyway this is basically the transcript of the chat sister: did you hear that marks (sisters husband) brother wife is pregnant me: that's cool sister: aren't you excited for them? me: happy for them, sure. sister: you don't sound excited, do you care? me: not really...but good for them seems like a good dude. sister: they've been trying really hard me: awesome sister: you should be more excited me: i'm busy, talk later my sister then bitched to both my wife and my mom about how little i care about the fact my sisters husband wife is pregnant. my sister called me an asshole for not caring more about such big news. so reddit, am i an asshole for not caring that my sisters husband's brother wife is now pregnant? i want to stress, i just don't care. neither good nor bad. i'm sure if we had a closer relationship (with my sisters husband's brother wife) i'd care more...but i'm just not close to them. [/INST] nta. i'll never understand the futility of people demanding that others have different emotional responses. they're not choices. </s>
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WIBTA if I played a traumatic voicemail to my SIL? Triggers- children involved, alcoholism, mental health
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tl/dr sil has inadvertantly (but maybe due to her drinking) caused some major trauma to 8y/o nephew, i want her to know what it was like for him in the hopes that she can turn her life around- but could it be an asshole move?
&#x200b;
my sil (37) has a serious drinking problem (and i believe serious depression/mental health issues). she admits to being an alcoholic and has been functional through her life for the most part. she quit drinking cold turkey at the beginning of the year and had a seizure, wrecking her car. her license was suspended due to the seizure and because her insurance had lapsed by a matter of hours, it had been due the day prior and she hadn't gotten around to paying it. then covid-19 and social distancing became a thing and her mental health declined, she began drinking again; even more. the situation is poor all around- no friends, isolated in a rural area, can't drive, husband is fed up/not supportive , judgy mother-in-law (my mom) you name it- she's dealing with it.
&#x200b;
she became non-functional. my 8y/o nephew is basically caring for himself and her- feeding her cereal and sandwiches and so forth. she's sleeping all the time, not entirely coherent. inlaws are taking nephew and keeping him until his dad gets home. it came to a head about a week ago, i got a call from mom (who lives next door) "nephew called screaming- something is wrong". my parents find sil unconcious surrounded by vomit. she starts to come around, they help her get cleaned up- make sure she's stable. her husband is called and she refuses to go to the doctor once she comes around- until the next day. at the visit the next day she did get some antidepressants, and had some imaging studies that week.
&#x200b;
i've been told by sil that something is wrong in her brain (seizures?) and her liver is shot and she has to stop drinking. md's gave benzos for her to take while she withdrew at home! i took nephew to my house at her request for the time she was sobering up, and he's just gone home today, she seems better but not great. mom was telling me about how on that day they missed a call from nephew first, then got to the phone as he was calling a second time. today i heard the message. four minutes of nephew screaming for help, for her not to leave him, for her to stay with him, asking if she needed a bucket. it was heartbreaking. at some point i think she needs to hear this- because when i called the day after the episode to check on her she said "oh, i just had a seizure and upset nephew a little, and it got blown out of proportion". i asked my mom not to delete the message. what if i played it to her?
&#x200b;
wibta if i made her listen to her son screaming thinking she was dying since she doesn't think it was a big deal? keeping in mind she's in a fairly fragile state anyway- but she's still downplaying the effect her actions are having on her child?
&#x200b;
| 1,023 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ignifp/wibta_if_i_played_a_traumatic_voicemail_to_my_sil/
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2020-08-25 23:20:30
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nta, she needs a full-blown intervention holy crap. get her son in therapy as well.
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nta play it. maybe it will save her life
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nta. maybe it'll be the wake up call she needs.
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man this is some heavy stuff...
i'm torn because your sil is clearly in a very precarious situation, both mentally and physically. being confronted with something like that has the potential to go any number of ways. but thinking in terms of ensuring your nephew gets their needs met, i don't think you'd be in the wrong with showing her just how badly that situation affected her child.
by the same token, taking into account everything going on with your sil, it doesn't feel right to call her an asshole for being in denial about things either.
so no, you wouldn't be the asshole for showing her, and her denial is symptomatic of her ongoing issues. nah seems to be the best way to go here.
i hope she responds well to hearing it and does something about it if you do show it to her. for her sake, and your nephew's.
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i'm not going to include a judgement because this is beyond that. if i were in your position i would ask a professional before playing it, ideally one she's been seeing for a while. from experience i know this could go one of three ways:
1. it's a shock to her and spurs her to make change
2. it has no effect whatsoever
3. it pushes her to think her loved ones are better off if she is no longer around, and results in her making a plan - if you catch my drift
in the meantime i would suggest looking into removing your nephew from that environment, or having another (stable and resilient) adult move in to care for your nephew. if you take a legal route it wouldn't be too difficult to prove she is not capable of parenting at this point in time.
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nta, she’s the adult, she needs to know how it affected her son.
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nah. asshole vs not the asshole is not the best framework for this. she needs to \*know\* that she's hurting her child, but it's not clear that playing this recording is what's going to snap her out of it. because of her medical (seizures) \*and\* addiction issues \*and\* ongoing depression, you're really using lay techniques for what should probably be professional intervention, and you would be put in a position of hoping to luck out that it doesn't cause her to suicide. that's an awful thing to live with if something goes wrong.
when people are this deep in the hole, well-meaning families can cause incredible damage. if you've got access to a counselor, i'd suggest looping them in. otherwise, the best thing you can do is prioritize physical and mental safety and security for your nephew.
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addicts need a shock to the system to recognize their own reality. play it for her. nta
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....your entire family seems to be contributing to her alcoholism in some way. i cannot imagine what playing this back would accomplish beyond humiliating her. you all need to get her professional help and get your nephew the f out of there.
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nta. she’s killing herself & making her 8yo child watch & take care of her while she does so. she needs to hear the voice mail, she needs to hear what she’s doing to her family & her poor child. alcohol is hard to beat but it’s not impossible. she just has to really & truly want to quit for herself first & for her loved ones. & it sounds harsh but she needs to stop feeling sorry for herself. as a recovered alcoholic set off by tragic events, i couldn’t stop drinking because i just felt so sorry for myself. drinking was justifiable because of all the terrible things that had happened to me & because how terrible i felt about myself. i drank to forget & to feel good but in reality it was destroying everything around me. ruined my relationship with my parents, with my siblings, with people i loved, lost my job, lost my place of living, i fucking lost it all but i still had booze.
one day i just couldn’t handle living like that anymore, i already had seizures before drinking, so it just exacerbated the situation. i still can’t drive due to seizures but, i’m sober & happy & i’m alive. i had to make the choice to change & she does too. play the voicemail & it might be what finally gets through to her.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NAH
| null |
NTA
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NAH
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NTA
| null |
NTA
| 0.003383 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: tl/dr sil has inadvertantly (but maybe due to her drinking) caused some major trauma to 8y/o nephew, i want her to know what it was like for him in the hopes that she can turn her life around- but could it be an asshole move? &#x200b; my sil (37) has a serious drinking problem (and i believe serious depression/mental health issues). she admits to being an alcoholic and has been functional through her life for the most part. she quit drinking cold turkey at the beginning of the year and had a seizure, wrecking her car. her license was suspended due to the seizure and because her insurance had lapsed by a matter of hours, it had been due the day prior and she hadn't gotten around to paying it. then covid-19 and social distancing became a thing and her mental health declined, she began drinking again; even more. the situation is poor all around- no friends, isolated in a rural area, can't drive, husband is fed up/not supportive , judgy mother-in-law (my mom) you name it- she's dealing with it. &#x200b; she became non-functional. my 8y/o nephew is basically caring for himself and her- feeding her cereal and sandwiches and so forth. she's sleeping all the time, not entirely coherent. inlaws are taking nephew and keeping him until his dad gets home. it came to a head about a week ago, i got a call from mom (who lives next door) "nephew called screaming- something is wrong". my parents find sil unconcious surrounded by vomit. she starts to come around, they help her get cleaned up- make sure she's stable. her husband is called and she refuses to go to the doctor once she comes around- until the next day. at the visit the next day she did get some antidepressants, and had some imaging studies that week. &#x200b; i've been told by sil that something is wrong in her brain (seizures?) and her liver is shot and she has to stop drinking. md's gave benzos for her to take while she withdrew at home! i took nephew to my house at her request for the time she was sobering up, and he's just gone home today, she seems better but not great. mom was telling me about how on that day they missed a call from nephew first, then got to the phone as he was calling a second time. today i heard the message. four minutes of nephew screaming for help, for her not to leave him, for her to stay with him, asking if she needed a bucket. it was heartbreaking. at some point i think she needs to hear this- because when i called the day after the episode to check on her she said "oh, i just had a seizure and upset nephew a little, and it got blown out of proportion". i asked my mom not to delete the message. what if i played it to her? &#x200b; wibta if i made her listen to her son screaming thinking she was dying since she doesn't think it was a big deal? keeping in mind she's in a fairly fragile state anyway- but she's still downplaying the effect her actions are having on her child? &#x200b;
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
tl/dr sil has inadvertantly (but maybe due to her drinking) caused some major trauma to 8y/o nephew, i want her to know what it was like for him in the hopes that she can turn her life around- but could it be an asshole move? &#x200b; my sil (37) has a serious drinking problem (and i believe serious depression/mental health issues). she admits to being an alcoholic and has been functional through her life for the most part. she quit drinking cold turkey at the beginning of the year and had a seizure, wrecking her car. her license was suspended due to the seizure and because her insurance had lapsed by a matter of hours, it had been due the day prior and she hadn't gotten around to paying it. then covid-19 and social distancing became a thing and her mental health declined, she began drinking again; even more. the situation is poor all around- no friends, isolated in a rural area, can't drive, husband is fed up/not supportive , judgy mother-in-law (my mom) you name it- she's dealing with it. &#x200b; she became non-functional. my 8y/o nephew is basically caring for himself and her- feeding her cereal and sandwiches and so forth. she's sleeping all the time, not entirely coherent. inlaws are taking nephew and keeping him until his dad gets home. it came to a head about a week ago, i got a call from mom (who lives next door) "nephew called screaming- something is wrong". my parents find sil unconcious surrounded by vomit. she starts to come around, they help her get cleaned up- make sure she's stable. her husband is called and she refuses to go to the doctor once she comes around- until the next day. at the visit the next day she did get some antidepressants, and had some imaging studies that week. &#x200b; i've been told by sil that something is wrong in her brain (seizures?) and her liver is shot and she has to stop drinking. md's gave benzos for her to take while she withdrew at home! i took nephew to my house at her request for the time she was sobering up, and he's just gone home today, she seems better but not great. mom was telling me about how on that day they missed a call from nephew first, then got to the phone as he was calling a second time. today i heard the message. four minutes of nephew screaming for help, for her not to leave him, for her to stay with him, asking if she needed a bucket. it was heartbreaking. at some point i think she needs to hear this- because when i called the day after the episode to check on her she said "oh, i just had a seizure and upset nephew a little, and it got blown out of proportion". i asked my mom not to delete the message. what if i played it to her? &#x200b; wibta if i made her listen to her son screaming thinking she was dying since she doesn't think it was a big deal? keeping in mind she's in a fairly fragile state anyway- but she's still downplaying the effect her actions are having on her child? &#x200b; [/INST] nta, she needs a full-blown intervention holy crap. get her son in therapy as well. </s>
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AITA for throwing some girls weed out the car window?
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so my two friends and i decided to take a road trip down to two states over because we wanted to visit another buddy of ours. two days before the trip, that buddy asked us to also take a friend of his who we will call jane. i hardly knew jane at the time and all i knew was she was a huge pothead, which i really don’t care at all about. i smoked in high school but quit because i got asthma as an adult and weed triggers it.
on the day of the trip, we got in the car and about an hour in she pulls out a fat blunt and starts to smoke it. she’s sitting next to me, so i politely ask her to stop because of my asthma. she told me she would crack down a window but my friend said no because he was driving and we were going 80 on a highway. she continued to smoke it for a minute and i firmly told her to please stop. she seemed irritated and mildly snapped at me claiming i was “anti-weed and that’s just stupid”
i agreed with her that being anti weed is pretty much nonsense but this was a health issue but she continued to smoke it. i had to pull out my inhaler and that’s where i drew the line. i told her stop smoking but she took one puff seemingly out of spite. i grabbed it from her hand and threw it out the window. she screamed at me saying i owe her money and that i’m a lunatic. the friend driving told her that i asked her to stop like 3 times. when we got to our friends house she ignored me and was extremely petty. was i right to do that or aita?
| 2,706 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hvuri0/aita_for_throwing_some_girls_weed_out_the_car/
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2020-07-22 14:29:30
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nta. you were being generous giving her a ride, you asked her multiple times, explained the reason was health related and she continued. your response seems reasonable.
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nta
i'm a daily smoker, but i still respect those around me that don't like it... i make the choice to smoke, it's not fair to force others to smoke with me.
oh, and play stupid games, win stupid prizes... you guys asked her to stop multiple times, you don't owe her anything.
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nta
who smokes in a car with people who aren't smoking? it's a dick move. if she needed it that bad, she could vape it.
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nta the literal risk to your life trumps any “right to smoke weed” she may have felt she had.
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nta. holy shit at this situation. who in their right mind would *ever* allow someone to smoke pot in the car with them while driving for a road trip, especially while *demanding* the windows stay closed?
back in high school, i lost 8 people in my class to dwi's. most were due to alcohol, but driving high isn't much better. one of my current friends got into a wreck just last year for driving high. i truly don't give a shit if you smoke weed or not, but holy shit does it cross me as mega stupid for the driver to allow himself to potentially get hot-boxed while driving *all of his friends* on a trip. its one thing to endanger yourself, and its another to endanger several others.
just to top it off, he is allowing it in spite of your asthma. my asthma was horrible as a child, so i know how bad it can get. even now, people smoking anything near me can sometimes have me wheezing like i need a lung transplant. is it really such a pain to wait to smoke somewhere where you won't be a nuisance? is that not just common courtesy? perhaps you could've handled it better than flinging the blunt out the window, but i can't honestly say i wouldn't have done the same thing.
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nta it's common courtesy to ask if everyone is okay with smoking in a vehicle before doing it, whether it's cigarettes or weed. most non smokers aren't okay with it in their cars. she subjected you to not only a health hazard, but also drugs in a tiny space that you couldn't leave, without your consent. next time she can find her own way.
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nta. who tf smokes anything in a car with rolled up windows? you asked multiple times, your friends even backed you up. clearly "jane" wasn't gonna stop.
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nta.
'anti-weed' and pro breathing are remarkably different stances.
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nta. it might have helped to name your health issue (asthma) but what you did wasn't wrong. you asked politely, multiple times, and she was being an asshole.
the thing about assholes is, they don't view themselves as one, and when being called out for something they immediately just blame the other party.
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nta. smoking weed is fine. smoking anything around someone with a respiratory disease is a big asshole move tho.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so my two friends and i decided to take a road trip down to two states over because we wanted to visit another buddy of ours. two days before the trip, that buddy asked us to also take a friend of his who we will call jane. i hardly knew jane at the time and all i knew was she was a huge pothead, which i really don’t care at all about. i smoked in high school but quit because i got asthma as an adult and weed triggers it. on the day of the trip, we got in the car and about an hour in she pulls out a fat blunt and starts to smoke it. she’s sitting next to me, so i politely ask her to stop because of my asthma. she told me she would crack down a window but my friend said no because he was driving and we were going 80 on a highway. she continued to smoke it for a minute and i firmly told her to please stop. she seemed irritated and mildly snapped at me claiming i was “anti-weed and that’s just stupid” i agreed with her that being anti weed is pretty much nonsense but this was a health issue but she continued to smoke it. i had to pull out my inhaler and that’s where i drew the line. i told her stop smoking but she took one puff seemingly out of spite. i grabbed it from her hand and threw it out the window. she screamed at me saying i owe her money and that i’m a lunatic. the friend driving told her that i asked her to stop like 3 times. when we got to our friends house she ignored me and was extremely petty. was i right to do that or aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
so my two friends and i decided to take a road trip down to two states over because we wanted to visit another buddy of ours. two days before the trip, that buddy asked us to also take a friend of his who we will call jane. i hardly knew jane at the time and all i knew was she was a huge pothead, which i really don’t care at all about. i smoked in high school but quit because i got asthma as an adult and weed triggers it. on the day of the trip, we got in the car and about an hour in she pulls out a fat blunt and starts to smoke it. she’s sitting next to me, so i politely ask her to stop because of my asthma. she told me she would crack down a window but my friend said no because he was driving and we were going 80 on a highway. she continued to smoke it for a minute and i firmly told her to please stop. she seemed irritated and mildly snapped at me claiming i was “anti-weed and that’s just stupid” i agreed with her that being anti weed is pretty much nonsense but this was a health issue but she continued to smoke it. i had to pull out my inhaler and that’s where i drew the line. i told her stop smoking but she took one puff seemingly out of spite. i grabbed it from her hand and threw it out the window. she screamed at me saying i owe her money and that i’m a lunatic. the friend driving told her that i asked her to stop like 3 times. when we got to our friends house she ignored me and was extremely petty. was i right to do that or aita? [/INST] nta. you were being generous giving her a ride, you asked her multiple times, explained the reason was health related and she continued. your response seems reasonable. </s>
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WIBTA if I said I can't have kids?
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growing up i had always wanted two or three kids. unfortunately i suffer from severe major depressive disorder. i can hardly take care of myself somedays. when i got a puppy years ago, i let her pee all over my room because i couldn't get myself out of bed to take her outside. i have been held on a 72 hour psych hold twice. it would be just cruel to force a child into my care not to mention it is likely they would have depression too due to our genetics. sure i have good days (sometimes even years) but the bad days are just as frequent. what am i supposed to say to my kid? sorry honey no dinner for you cause mommy can't stop crying right now. i have made the very difficult choice to not have kids because i believe i could not give them the care they deserve.
people are always asking me and my spouse when are we going to have kids. when i tell them we have decided not to, they always, always, tell us we will change our minds. then i say my spouse has had a vasectomy and without exception they say those can be reversed. these conversations hurt because it's not like i don't want kids. i would like to avoid these invasive conversations by just saying i can't have kids. if someone has the nerve to ask for more details, i would politely tell them i don't want to talk about it.
i know that women who try to get pregnant but physically can't have a really hard time, and i don't want to seem insensitive to them by saying i can't have kids when i might physically be able to. from my point of view i genuinely cannot have kids.
| 4,005 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/m4gffw/wibta_if_i_said_i_cant_have_kids/
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2021-03-13 21:54:25
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nta. it's actually pretty common for people to do this. in my eyes, you are right, it is similar in a very valid way. you don't choose to have this medical struggle, but because you have it you feel you can't do something you wish you could otherwise. it's not the same, but it's something. you really feel you can't have kids.
i think you are being very responsible by making this choice. i wish you well op.
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nta.
you would be saying that you can't have kids.. not that you physically can't have kids.
it doesn't matter whether the reason is physical or mental.. if you can't handle kids, then you've made the right choice, and you're not lying when you use the word 'can't'.
my sister uses the word can't atm when she talks about having a child.. and she's right, she literally cannot have a child. at best the child would have to be raised solely by her partner (and she doesn't have one), and at worst, the child would be removed. none of those options are fair to her, or the child, and they're not ok choices.. so she can't have a child.
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nta - as somebody that struggled to have a kid, please say that. people need to learn that isn’t a polite thing to ask, and asking about when you’re having kids can be deeply personal and painful. plus, you can’t have kids, so it’s technically correct. nobody needs to know the specific reason.
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nta. people need to shut the fuck up and mind their own business.
if you really want to make them uncomfortable, lie and tell them you've had seven miscarriages. ask them how many more miscarriages you should try for in your attempt to have a baby. make them answer how many miscarriages they think is an appropriate number to have before you stop trying.
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nta
it's bizarre that so many people think its acceptable for them to ask people (predominantly women) when they're gonna have kids, as though it's a given that everyone wants to or can.
your reasoning is fair enough, yes in a physical sense maybe you can, but in a mental/emotional sense you can't and that's just as valid. honestly it'd be a lot better if more people could recognize their unstable living situation or mental health issues etc would be detrimental to any children they may have. too many kids are out their with shitty lives because their parents are people who never should have been parents. you're being responsible by knowing your abilities and making smart choices.
if you wanted to straight up say "no i'm not having kids because i don't want to and that's none of your fucking business," go for it, people should mind their business more on this. but if you wanna keep the peace then you're fine to say, "no i can't, for medical reasons and that's personal."
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nta. mental health illness is just as valid a reasons as any physical one as to why you can't have kids. you are not lying. i cannot have kids either because of my mental health, while i've never wanted them anyway so this doesn't upset me, no child should be in my care. it would be bad for me and them.
if you haven't already you should come hang out with us in r/childfree. i think you will find them an understanding, nice community 🙂
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as a woman who cannot have kids and never wanted them, i don't find that offensive at all. what is offensive is people prying into a woman's business and essentially harassing her about having kids or not having kids.
i have yet to understand why people care so deeply about whether or not a woman, or a couple, does or doesn't have children. who does it affect directly?
you are nta! it is your decision and your body.
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nta. people are super fucking rude about that once you get married and i mean idk if it would actually stop them saying shit but my husband and i are open about possibly adopting in the future and wow are ppl gross. wouldnt believe how many times ive heard "but youll love your *own* kids even more!" and so much worse 😒 so thats probs like the only thing that *might* stop them saying shit. like even having kids doesnt stop them from saying shit bc then they just want to know when you're gonna have more. ridiculous.
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nta. as a woman with endometriosis, adenomyosis, and a slightly bicornuate uterus and may not be able to conceive or carry full term when im ready to start trying in a couple years: please go right ahead and say you cant. look up my issues and get graphic if you want/have to to make them wish they never spoke in the first place (i like to get them to look at my surgery photos. the looks of pure regret on peoples faces is great). its time to kill the causal acceptance to demand when a woman is gonna get pregnant. the reasons why you cant are just as hard and pain as the reasons i may not be able to. im so sorry
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nta. some people can't have kids due to physical conditions. some can't for internal reasons you can't see from the outside. you have mental conditions. mental conditions are still medical concerns. if you feel you can't have kids, you can't have kids. period.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: growing up i had always wanted two or three kids. unfortunately i suffer from severe major depressive disorder. i can hardly take care of myself somedays. when i got a puppy years ago, i let her pee all over my room because i couldn't get myself out of bed to take her outside. i have been held on a 72 hour psych hold twice. it would be just cruel to force a child into my care not to mention it is likely they would have depression too due to our genetics. sure i have good days (sometimes even years) but the bad days are just as frequent. what am i supposed to say to my kid? sorry honey no dinner for you cause mommy can't stop crying right now. i have made the very difficult choice to not have kids because i believe i could not give them the care they deserve. people are always asking me and my spouse when are we going to have kids. when i tell them we have decided not to, they always, always, tell us we will change our minds. then i say my spouse has had a vasectomy and without exception they say those can be reversed. these conversations hurt because it's not like i don't want kids. i would like to avoid these invasive conversations by just saying i can't have kids. if someone has the nerve to ask for more details, i would politely tell them i don't want to talk about it. i know that women who try to get pregnant but physically can't have a really hard time, and i don't want to seem insensitive to them by saying i can't have kids when i might physically be able to. from my point of view i genuinely cannot have kids.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
growing up i had always wanted two or three kids. unfortunately i suffer from severe major depressive disorder. i can hardly take care of myself somedays. when i got a puppy years ago, i let her pee all over my room because i couldn't get myself out of bed to take her outside. i have been held on a 72 hour psych hold twice. it would be just cruel to force a child into my care not to mention it is likely they would have depression too due to our genetics. sure i have good days (sometimes even years) but the bad days are just as frequent. what am i supposed to say to my kid? sorry honey no dinner for you cause mommy can't stop crying right now. i have made the very difficult choice to not have kids because i believe i could not give them the care they deserve. people are always asking me and my spouse when are we going to have kids. when i tell them we have decided not to, they always, always, tell us we will change our minds. then i say my spouse has had a vasectomy and without exception they say those can be reversed. these conversations hurt because it's not like i don't want kids. i would like to avoid these invasive conversations by just saying i can't have kids. if someone has the nerve to ask for more details, i would politely tell them i don't want to talk about it. i know that women who try to get pregnant but physically can't have a really hard time, and i don't want to seem insensitive to them by saying i can't have kids when i might physically be able to. from my point of view i genuinely cannot have kids. [/INST] nta. it's actually pretty common for people to do this. in my eyes, you are right, it is similar in a very valid way. you don't choose to have this medical struggle, but because you have it you feel you can't do something you wish you could otherwise. it's not the same, but it's something. you really feel you can't have kids. i think you are being very responsible by making this choice. i wish you well op. </s>
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AITA for saying to the 15 year old girl that she shouldn't flatter herself as she isn't any better than us?
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we had a new part time girl in our warehouse, a teenager, 15. she very soon becomes popular with us as she's hardworking, pleasant and sometimes give out snacks and small gifts.
at first i like her too but recently during a casual conversation she brought up that she her family is actually quite rich, that is why she could afford gifts and such.
when someone asked her why is she even working here when she could easily find other part time jobs that doesn't require as much labour and pays better, she answered that she worked here because she wants to train herself. she said that she wanted to prove to herself and her parents that she is a capable person if she could "lower her head down" and do "this kind of job" without a single complaint.
i am not sure what other people thinks, but to me i sense an undeniable arrogance in her speech which triggered me off. not starting a sob story but i am definitely not as privileged as her and the reason i am working there is because i had no other options.
i kind of snappishly told her that she shouldn't be flattering herself. she is not "lowering" her head because she isn't any better than us, like, in terms of education level we are the same, if not just a little higher than a 15 year old right now. i told her that if she truly wanted to train herself she should start by thinking of us as equals.
the conversation ended in an awkward tone as she got red and walked off. the girl did not turn up later at all and she has actually gone home and quit the job without bothering to get paid.
the other colleagues said that i am being too harsh on a teenager who has a positive mentality and instead of encouraging her, i was a bitch. i admit, my words slipped and i was indeed bitter for a moment, but i do think that she needs to know that we are not inferior, and we should nip that thought in the bud. if it made her quit the job it just means that she doesn't have what it takes that she thought she had.
| 661 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ips1w6/aita_for_saying_to_the_15_year_old_girl_that_she/
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2020-09-09 23:46:00
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yta. you got jealous because she's rich and decided that she must also now suddenly be an arrogant brat. nothing you've stated she said even implies that she thinks she is better than everybody.
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yta. you quoted "lower her head" as if it was insulting, i am wondering if you know what that means? she wasn't saying "lower herself" as if she's better than you. to put your head down means to be determined to get something done, or to focus. you totally projected your own jealousy/insecurity on this 15 year old girl.
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yta - it sounds like she was just trying to prove to herself and her family that she could make it on her own and wasn't just a little princess. you liked her until you found out she was from a wealthy family, and then you made the whole thing about your inferiority complex.
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yta she wanted to do good and you lashed out at her because her wording wasn't perfect. she was trying to challenge herself, not judging you or 'lowering' herself to your level.
&#x200b;
> if it made her quit the job it just means that she doesn't have what it takes that she thought she had.
walking away from mistreatment is strength. you literally told a child she was acting maliciously because of her plan/goal, what was she supposed to infer? you told her she was in the wrong for working there with the goal she had. "x could have toughed out my hostile work environment i weeded out the chaff" is some ubisoft tier bullshit.
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yta - this kid was trying to get herself a work ethic and as soon as you found out about a difference in her you dismissed her. you said yourself that she is hardworking, so that isn’t the problem. and jesus, this kid even uses her money to bring ya’ll snacks??? but your little pride got hurt so you had to go off on a teenager. a teenager at her first job. god.
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yta 'lower her head down'. 'keep her head down' is just an expression, it means to work hard and not cause bother. it's got nothing to do with pride or social rank.
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yta - shes a kid and i think it’s awesome she wants to prove herself to not needing her parents money. you sound very jealous
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yta. lowering her head does not mean she is acting like the job is beneath her. she is saying she's trying to demonstrate that she understands the meaning of hardwork, putting her head down to work. you sound jealous and like you were looking for a reason to shit on her.
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yta. she is just a teen bro. she just want to be independent. you don't needed to be rude, she seems like a nice person.
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yta: your coworkers are right you were really harsh on her for no reason. you are projecting onto her and now you made her feel bad. and since you are so much more educated than her, you should know that she is a child and didn’t mean it the way that you took it. instead of acting like the adult, you belittled her like a child
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: we had a new part time girl in our warehouse, a teenager, 15. she very soon becomes popular with us as she's hardworking, pleasant and sometimes give out snacks and small gifts. at first i like her too but recently during a casual conversation she brought up that she her family is actually quite rich, that is why she could afford gifts and such. when someone asked her why is she even working here when she could easily find other part time jobs that doesn't require as much labour and pays better, she answered that she worked here because she wants to train herself. she said that she wanted to prove to herself and her parents that she is a capable person if she could "lower her head down" and do "this kind of job" without a single complaint. i am not sure what other people thinks, but to me i sense an undeniable arrogance in her speech which triggered me off. not starting a sob story but i am definitely not as privileged as her and the reason i am working there is because i had no other options. i kind of snappishly told her that she shouldn't be flattering herself. she is not "lowering" her head because she isn't any better than us, like, in terms of education level we are the same, if not just a little higher than a 15 year old right now. i told her that if she truly wanted to train herself she should start by thinking of us as equals. the conversation ended in an awkward tone as she got red and walked off. the girl did not turn up later at all and she has actually gone home and quit the job without bothering to get paid. the other colleagues said that i am being too harsh on a teenager who has a positive mentality and instead of encouraging her, i was a bitch. i admit, my words slipped and i was indeed bitter for a moment, but i do think that she needs to know that we are not inferior, and we should nip that thought in the bud. if it made her quit the job it just means that she doesn't have what it takes that she thought she had.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
we had a new part time girl in our warehouse, a teenager, 15. she very soon becomes popular with us as she's hardworking, pleasant and sometimes give out snacks and small gifts. at first i like her too but recently during a casual conversation she brought up that she her family is actually quite rich, that is why she could afford gifts and such. when someone asked her why is she even working here when she could easily find other part time jobs that doesn't require as much labour and pays better, she answered that she worked here because she wants to train herself. she said that she wanted to prove to herself and her parents that she is a capable person if she could "lower her head down" and do "this kind of job" without a single complaint. i am not sure what other people thinks, but to me i sense an undeniable arrogance in her speech which triggered me off. not starting a sob story but i am definitely not as privileged as her and the reason i am working there is because i had no other options. i kind of snappishly told her that she shouldn't be flattering herself. she is not "lowering" her head because she isn't any better than us, like, in terms of education level we are the same, if not just a little higher than a 15 year old right now. i told her that if she truly wanted to train herself she should start by thinking of us as equals. the conversation ended in an awkward tone as she got red and walked off. the girl did not turn up later at all and she has actually gone home and quit the job without bothering to get paid. the other colleagues said that i am being too harsh on a teenager who has a positive mentality and instead of encouraging her, i was a bitch. i admit, my words slipped and i was indeed bitter for a moment, but i do think that she needs to know that we are not inferior, and we should nip that thought in the bud. if it made her quit the job it just means that she doesn't have what it takes that she thought she had. [/INST] yta. you got jealous because she's rich and decided that she must also now suddenly be an arrogant brat. nothing you've stated she said even implies that she thinks she is better than everybody. </s>
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AITA for wanting the experience of being around when my child comes into this world?
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to put it bluntly, my younger sister’s best friend (20f) and i (26m) were sleeping together for a few months before she found out she was pregnant, and pretty much cut me out of her life. she’s about 2 months along and the only updates i get about the pregnancy is through my sister. they live together and i have to call my sister to get any information about it.
when we first found out she was pregnant, i had told her that i wanted to be in my child’s life as much because i didn’t want to be a deadbeat dad like my father was. she agreed, so i figured we were on the same page about the situation. however, i found out that she’s already making decisions about our child’s life without speaking to me about them first. for example, deciding that the child will have her last name.
i’m frustrated with the fact that she refuses to speak to me about the pregnancy even though she knows i’m here and more than willing to be involved. the big kick to the balls was when i learned that she didn’t want me around the hospital during the time of the labor and delivery. my sister will apparently be the “godmother” and present during the birth. she seems to be more involved with my child’s life so far than i, the literal father, am.
nothing’s final yet because we’re still early in the pregnancy, but i was told that i’d be informed of my child’s birth probably at least a day after it happens which at that point, i can visit. i don’t necessarily need to *be* in the delivery room, but i should at least be able to see my child a few hours after it’s born. it’s not fair that just because she’s carrying my child that i’m not allowed to be a part of the experience. aita?
| 928 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gg7wo6/aita_for_wanting_the_experience_of_being_around/
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2020-05-09 03:28:20
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nta. get a lawyer.
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nah, i think you’re being perfectly reasonable with everything except the last name. you’re not married, you’re not even dating, it makes sense the child has her last name
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nta,
for wanting to talk directly to her and for wanting to be involved with your child.
yta about wanting to be there in the delivery room. also, probably does not want to give the child your last name because you guys were just hooking up.
also, why do you think this girl who was a virgin before you, doesn’t want to talk to you? isn’t that strange? and why is your sister enabling?
you need to straighten things with your sister and tell her that you won’t be continuing to talk through her anymore. and i would make this clear with the women who is pregnant with your child.
get a lawyer asap and make sure that kid is yours when it’s born.
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info: are you sure they aren't a lesbian couple?
look dude, it's her health too and she doesn't want to share that with you. it seems like she just used you to get pregnant, or she's hearing something from your sister. get your ducks in a row to make sure you're on the birth certificate and get split custody.
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yta. you are not married so why should you assume the baby she is carrying and will give birth to should have your surname.also if she doesn't want you at the hospital then that's her choice, she doesn't want the pressure of knowing you are waiting for her to give birth so you can force your way in and hold the baby. give her the space she needs to give birth safely
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info why aren’t you two talking anymore? did something happen?
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nah. she’s young and in a vulnerable place, so she’s staying tight with your sister who she’s comfortable with. you two were never in a real relationship so maybe she just has a hard time opening up to someone she now realizes she doesn’t know all that well? i agree that she should be keeping you in the loop, but she actually does have final say as far as the baby’s name and hospital visitors. you definitely need to contact a lawyer now to begin establishing your visitation rights and child support obligations.
it’s still early in the pregnancy. real relationships take work. keep demonstrating that you’re dependable, trustworthy and excited for the birth of your child and she may warm up to you sooner than later.
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here is the harsh truth - you are not a father (yet). currently you are nothing more than a sperm donor.
and, unless you get over yourself, you ain't gonna become a good father either. your surname is not more important than hers. your hurt feelings are not more important than medical decisions concerning her (not even the babies) health, privacy and wellbeing.
esh
if you could do just one thing, sit down with her, face to face and have serious discussion about your co-parenting future.
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nah. you're not an asshole for wanting to be involved with the pregnancy, but, to be clear, you have no rights there. so just accept that. the moment the baby is born is where your rights kick in, so get a lawyer now and find out how you can make sure to have access to the baby as soon as it's born.
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yta
you are not entitled to be in the delivery room. the person giving birth decides that.
also, the name thing, personally, i believe it's fair game for either of your last names to be the babies last names. suggest a comprimise, maybe combine the two of your names or hyphenate?
also, get a lawyer. unless something happened to drive her away from you, it is very suspicious of her to be avoiding her future baby's father who wants to be involved. you are not the asshole for wanting to be involved in your child's life.
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
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INFO
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YTA
|
INFO
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NAH
|
ESH
|
NAH
|
YTA
| 0.567 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: to put it bluntly, my younger sister’s best friend (20f) and i (26m) were sleeping together for a few months before she found out she was pregnant, and pretty much cut me out of her life. she’s about 2 months along and the only updates i get about the pregnancy is through my sister. they live together and i have to call my sister to get any information about it. when we first found out she was pregnant, i had told her that i wanted to be in my child’s life as much because i didn’t want to be a deadbeat dad like my father was. she agreed, so i figured we were on the same page about the situation. however, i found out that she’s already making decisions about our child’s life without speaking to me about them first. for example, deciding that the child will have her last name. i’m frustrated with the fact that she refuses to speak to me about the pregnancy even though she knows i’m here and more than willing to be involved. the big kick to the balls was when i learned that she didn’t want me around the hospital during the time of the labor and delivery. my sister will apparently be the “godmother” and present during the birth. she seems to be more involved with my child’s life so far than i, the literal father, am. nothing’s final yet because we’re still early in the pregnancy, but i was told that i’d be informed of my child’s birth probably at least a day after it happens which at that point, i can visit. i don’t necessarily need to *be* in the delivery room, but i should at least be able to see my child a few hours after it’s born. it’s not fair that just because she’s carrying my child that i’m not allowed to be a part of the experience. aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
to put it bluntly, my younger sister’s best friend (20f) and i (26m) were sleeping together for a few months before she found out she was pregnant, and pretty much cut me out of her life. she’s about 2 months along and the only updates i get about the pregnancy is through my sister. they live together and i have to call my sister to get any information about it. when we first found out she was pregnant, i had told her that i wanted to be in my child’s life as much because i didn’t want to be a deadbeat dad like my father was. she agreed, so i figured we were on the same page about the situation. however, i found out that she’s already making decisions about our child’s life without speaking to me about them first. for example, deciding that the child will have her last name. i’m frustrated with the fact that she refuses to speak to me about the pregnancy even though she knows i’m here and more than willing to be involved. the big kick to the balls was when i learned that she didn’t want me around the hospital during the time of the labor and delivery. my sister will apparently be the “godmother” and present during the birth. she seems to be more involved with my child’s life so far than i, the literal father, am. nothing’s final yet because we’re still early in the pregnancy, but i was told that i’d be informed of my child’s birth probably at least a day after it happens which at that point, i can visit. i don’t necessarily need to *be* in the delivery room, but i should at least be able to see my child a few hours after it’s born. it’s not fair that just because she’s carrying my child that i’m not allowed to be a part of the experience. aita? [/INST] nta. get a lawyer. </s>
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AITA for telling my mom there will be no fighting on Christmas?
|
my (26f) parents have been divorced since august of this year but have always struggled with getting along and having long drawn out yelling matches at family dinners, holidays, etc. i got married this summer and my husband and i are hosting christmas after we went over to my moms for thanksgiving and it was ridiculous.
on thanksgiving, my teenage sister starting berating my dad because she didn’t want to go over to his house over the weekend and that she never wanted to go over to his house because he makes her help with cleaning, etc. my mom and dad then got in an argument because my mom thinks she should have the choice wether or not she wants to go over to my dads (my mom has full custody but my dad has them every other weekend).
so for christmas, my husband and i decided to host that way hopefully we could set the stage; and if it was at our house there would be no fighting. i called both of my parents yesterday, to set some boundaries for christmas (no fighting, no mention of custody, everybody gets along). my dad was receptive to the conversation and just said okay, yep understood and we moved. my mom on the other hand, was very offended that i would even bring this up, that she’s not the issue, that my dad is the one that is being a jerk, and why does she need to hear this speech. i told her, that i was just giving both of them the same speech, and that it wasn’t an attack on her but she still was very upset that i called her.
all i was trying to do was make sure that everyone had a great holiday and that there was no fighting on a day where we should be celebrating/enjoying family time. my husband backs me up, and everyone i’ve talked to have agreed with me that i wasn’t in the wrong for giving her that call.
so what do you think? aita?
| 475 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zuc13t/aita_for_telling_my_mom_there_will_be_no_fighting/
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2022-12-24 15:28:15
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nta. anybody who gets offended at being told "don't fight on christmas" has serious issues.
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nta. but with an angry mom and a teenager, i’ll just wish you luck
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nta. mum’s attitude makes me think she’s mostly the problem. especially with the issue sister having is being asked to clean and mum supporting her.
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nta - but i think you're being naive if you think that telling her this will change anything
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nta. but it's fantasy that they will behave. they will be and do what they always have done. i hope that i am wrong. best wishes. merry christmas.
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why are y’all still doing combined gatherings? seems really dumb to me to keep doing the same thing over and over and being surprised that you’re getting the same results.
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nta. sounds like mom is poisoning sister’s mind with her bullshit and can’t take being told what to do
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nta, but probably a wasted effort. your mom is already primed and ready to go, and her attitude probably explains why your sister doesn’t want to go to your dad’s place for the weekend.
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nta 100%. it's a reasonable request to keep their problems out of the doorstep for not even half a day. i would enforce this with a threat of kicking someone out, if push comes to shove
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they’re divorced. the only family gathering they need to be together for is a wedding or funeral.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null | 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my (26f) parents have been divorced since august of this year but have always struggled with getting along and having long drawn out yelling matches at family dinners, holidays, etc. i got married this summer and my husband and i are hosting christmas after we went over to my moms for thanksgiving and it was ridiculous. on thanksgiving, my teenage sister starting berating my dad because she didn’t want to go over to his house over the weekend and that she never wanted to go over to his house because he makes her help with cleaning, etc. my mom and dad then got in an argument because my mom thinks she should have the choice wether or not she wants to go over to my dads (my mom has full custody but my dad has them every other weekend). so for christmas, my husband and i decided to host that way hopefully we could set the stage; and if it was at our house there would be no fighting. i called both of my parents yesterday, to set some boundaries for christmas (no fighting, no mention of custody, everybody gets along). my dad was receptive to the conversation and just said okay, yep understood and we moved. my mom on the other hand, was very offended that i would even bring this up, that she’s not the issue, that my dad is the one that is being a jerk, and why does she need to hear this speech. i told her, that i was just giving both of them the same speech, and that it wasn’t an attack on her but she still was very upset that i called her. all i was trying to do was make sure that everyone had a great holiday and that there was no fighting on a day where we should be celebrating/enjoying family time. my husband backs me up, and everyone i’ve talked to have agreed with me that i wasn’t in the wrong for giving her that call. so what do you think? aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
my (26f) parents have been divorced since august of this year but have always struggled with getting along and having long drawn out yelling matches at family dinners, holidays, etc. i got married this summer and my husband and i are hosting christmas after we went over to my moms for thanksgiving and it was ridiculous. on thanksgiving, my teenage sister starting berating my dad because she didn’t want to go over to his house over the weekend and that she never wanted to go over to his house because he makes her help with cleaning, etc. my mom and dad then got in an argument because my mom thinks she should have the choice wether or not she wants to go over to my dads (my mom has full custody but my dad has them every other weekend). so for christmas, my husband and i decided to host that way hopefully we could set the stage; and if it was at our house there would be no fighting. i called both of my parents yesterday, to set some boundaries for christmas (no fighting, no mention of custody, everybody gets along). my dad was receptive to the conversation and just said okay, yep understood and we moved. my mom on the other hand, was very offended that i would even bring this up, that she’s not the issue, that my dad is the one that is being a jerk, and why does she need to hear this speech. i told her, that i was just giving both of them the same speech, and that it wasn’t an attack on her but she still was very upset that i called her. all i was trying to do was make sure that everyone had a great holiday and that there was no fighting on a day where we should be celebrating/enjoying family time. my husband backs me up, and everyone i’ve talked to have agreed with me that i wasn’t in the wrong for giving her that call. so what do you think? aita? [/INST] nta. anybody who gets offended at being told "don't fight on christmas" has serious issues. </s>
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AITA for only going ~15 over in the left lane?
|
i'm 17, so obviously i haven't been driving for too long, but i know you're supposed to go faster in the left lane on the highway. so the speed limit was 60 and i thought going around 75ish would be sufficient as to not make people mad at me. so i was going maybe 72-74 when this guy gets up on me and starts flashing his lights at me which i just ignore because whatever. so then he passes me all aggressively and flips me off. was he just being a dick or was i genuinely going too slow to be in the left lane? like was i supposed to be going 80ish or something?
| 160 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cl86ir/aita_for_only_going_15_over_in_the_left_lane/
|
2019-08-02 18:47:37
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yta
the left lane is for passing and passing only. read that again. now twenty five more times.
if you aren’t passing anyone you shouldn’t be in the left lane. doesn’t matter how fast you’re going. the guy behind you wanted to go faster and he couldn’t pass you on the left because... you were in the left lane. you just blocked him for no good reason.
i hope it’s because you didn’t know better, but better to understand this now because there are thousands of idiots who clog the passing lane their whole lives.
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the left lane is for passing. it's not about how far you are over the speed limit, it's about the flow of traffic. even if you're going 15 over, if you're not passing the person next to you and you're just camping out in the left lane, yta. this is the #1 hill i am willing to die on.
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yta, if your state’s law (assuming you live in the us) says that the left lane is for passing only. as far as i know, this is true in most states. obviously this is a pretty easy fix for you in the future, and you’re still learning.
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info: were you just hanging out in the left or where you passing someone?
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so, i had to learn this too, if you aren’t actively passing, you have to be in the right lane. it isn’t a matter of how fast you are going, it is that the leftmost lane is the passing lane.
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[deleted]
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yta the left hand lane is not for going fast, it’s for passing and passing only. not only that, but if the guy wants to speed, it’s not up to you to block him. let him catch a cop. don’t be one of those drivers that park in the left lane and disrupt the flow of traffic. left lane is for passing only.
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esh. the left lane is for passing, not driving, so you were technically breaking the law, making you an asshole. that said, this guy had no right to be aggressive because you were in his way when he was trying to drive 15+ over the speed limit.
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yta. as others have pointed out. if you’re going 150 mph in the left lane and someone doing 175 comes up behind you, move over.
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nta but if there is traffic on your ass and you're in the left lane, get out of the left lane and let them pass.
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
|
INFO
| null | null |
YTA
|
ESH
|
YTA
|
NTA
| 0.1305 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i'm 17, so obviously i haven't been driving for too long, but i know you're supposed to go faster in the left lane on the highway. so the speed limit was 60 and i thought going around 75ish would be sufficient as to not make people mad at me. so i was going maybe 72-74 when this guy gets up on me and starts flashing his lights at me which i just ignore because whatever. so then he passes me all aggressively and flips me off. was he just being a dick or was i genuinely going too slow to be in the left lane? like was i supposed to be going 80ish or something?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i'm 17, so obviously i haven't been driving for too long, but i know you're supposed to go faster in the left lane on the highway. so the speed limit was 60 and i thought going around 75ish would be sufficient as to not make people mad at me. so i was going maybe 72-74 when this guy gets up on me and starts flashing his lights at me which i just ignore because whatever. so then he passes me all aggressively and flips me off. was he just being a dick or was i genuinely going too slow to be in the left lane? like was i supposed to be going 80ish or something? [/INST] yta the left lane is for passing and passing only. read that again. now twenty five more times. if you aren’t passing anyone you shouldn’t be in the left lane. doesn’t matter how fast you’re going. the guy behind you wanted to go faster and he couldn’t pass you on the left because... you were in the left lane. you just blocked him for no good reason. i hope it’s because you didn’t know better, but better to understand this now because there are thousands of idiots who clog the passing lane their whole lives. </s>
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AITA for lying to my mom about who donated baby gear to me?
|
five months ago i (22f) had my first child with my husband. when i was about 20 weeks pregnant i started suffering some pretty serious complications with my pregnancy and it ended up costing more than we had expected (but we had planned for as a precaution). then we suffered a significant amount of property damage due to issues between our neighbors on either side of us and we were unfortunately caught in the middle that then drained us as well as left us needing to find another place to stay short term which cost us money. i spent some time in the hospital because the stress of it all paired with the complications and it was a stressful time. my sister (27f) then donated a lot of baby gear to us because we fell behind in buying with the financial strain. i mean, there was covid and everything going on and it was just so much. she really helped us out. really came to our rescue. but i never told my mom or stepdad because my sister is estranged from them and i knew it would lead to a fight because when they were struggling a few years ago she refused to help them and the fact she helped me i knew would lead to tension. heck, my mom wasn't happy she was maid of honor in my wedding.
i think most of my extended family knew because they still talk to my sister. but everyone knew it was not a good idea for my mom to know. and then my aunt slipped up. after months of telling my mom i didn't know who donated the stuff my aunt made a comment in a lapse of judgement that basically said i did know and when she wouldn't come right out and say it my mom knew.
my aunt apologized hard and i get it was very much unintentional. so does my sister.
but my mom is pissed and said i should have straight up told her so she could know how much i don't care about my sister not giving a shit about anyone else in the family and being willing to let them suffer just a few short years ago. i told her she was younger and at the end of the day they were already estranged at that point. my mom told me i still lied and it was childish and wrong.
i guess lying didn't really help in the end. though part of me feels like it really isn't any of her business.
aita?
| 1,920 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/m3ik3y/aita_for_lying_to_my_mom_about_who_donated_baby/
|
2021-03-12 14:23:14
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nta.
instead of being grateful that your sister came thru for you, they’re caught up in the fact that their -estranged- daughter helped you *instead* of them. if there’s anyone being childish and immature, it’s your mother. your sister went nc with them for a reason and from the way you’re describing this, good for her.
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nta. this has nothing to do with your mother at all.
why in heaven's name is your mother upset that someone is helping you out? she should be thrilled that someone loves you and wants to help. the fact that the same person did not choose to help her some years ago has no bearing on this situation whatsoever.
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nta. tell her to grow the fuck up. she helped you and your baby in your time of need, who cares where the stuff came from? it was needed and appreciated and she can take her childish little civil war somewhere else. focus on happiness and love and leave her to her little machinations. if she cares about her grandchild, she will just be happy to see the baby cared for. that's all that matters. the stuff was given with kindness.
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nta. so your mom tried to get money from her daughter when she was in her early 20s and in no position to help (and they were already estranged). and now your mom is upset that your sister, who is now 27 and more established, did help you in your time of need. your mom is petty and childish. i imagine your sister had good reason to refuse your mom.
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nta - sorry for your problems. your mom needs to learn that not everything is about her. you didn't tell her because you knew how she would react.
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nta.
your mom can be mad at your sister (though it sounds like your mom is a tool.)
but you're an adult; you have your own relationship with your sister; and your mom has no right to control your feelings.
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>so she could know how much i don't care about my sister not giving a shit about anyone else in the family and being willing to let them suffer just a few short years ago.
nta - you are going through all this stress and, rather than do something to help, your mother piles on more stress. the fact that everybody knew it would be a bad idea for your mother to know that the stuff came from your sister says volumes about your mother, and all this "walking on eggshells" is a source of stress all by itself. notice that i refer to her as your 'mother' - because she doesn't seem much like a 'mom' to me. any woman can be a mother, but not every mother is a mom.
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nta, your mother and your sister's relationship should really have no bearing on you and your sister's relationship, and your mother not seeing and accepting that is childish and wrong. she cannot control who you speak to or care about. maybe you should have been forthcoming, but i suspect you knew she would be this way either way, and i would have done the same as you and tried to avoid it.
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nta, your mom is a child. i was estranged from my mother for a number of years and i can say with certainty that our reconciliation would have never happened if either of us had dragged other family members into our anger. it stayed between us and healed between us.
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nta.
ask your mother how exactly used baby goods would have helped her when your parents were having issues.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: five months ago i (22f) had my first child with my husband. when i was about 20 weeks pregnant i started suffering some pretty serious complications with my pregnancy and it ended up costing more than we had expected (but we had planned for as a precaution). then we suffered a significant amount of property damage due to issues between our neighbors on either side of us and we were unfortunately caught in the middle that then drained us as well as left us needing to find another place to stay short term which cost us money. i spent some time in the hospital because the stress of it all paired with the complications and it was a stressful time. my sister (27f) then donated a lot of baby gear to us because we fell behind in buying with the financial strain. i mean, there was covid and everything going on and it was just so much. she really helped us out. really came to our rescue. but i never told my mom or stepdad because my sister is estranged from them and i knew it would lead to a fight because when they were struggling a few years ago she refused to help them and the fact she helped me i knew would lead to tension. heck, my mom wasn't happy she was maid of honor in my wedding. i think most of my extended family knew because they still talk to my sister. but everyone knew it was not a good idea for my mom to know. and then my aunt slipped up. after months of telling my mom i didn't know who donated the stuff my aunt made a comment in a lapse of judgement that basically said i did know and when she wouldn't come right out and say it my mom knew. my aunt apologized hard and i get it was very much unintentional. so does my sister. but my mom is pissed and said i should have straight up told her so she could know how much i don't care about my sister not giving a shit about anyone else in the family and being willing to let them suffer just a few short years ago. i told her she was younger and at the end of the day they were already estranged at that point. my mom told me i still lied and it was childish and wrong. i guess lying didn't really help in the end. though part of me feels like it really isn't any of her business. aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
five months ago i (22f) had my first child with my husband. when i was about 20 weeks pregnant i started suffering some pretty serious complications with my pregnancy and it ended up costing more than we had expected (but we had planned for as a precaution). then we suffered a significant amount of property damage due to issues between our neighbors on either side of us and we were unfortunately caught in the middle that then drained us as well as left us needing to find another place to stay short term which cost us money. i spent some time in the hospital because the stress of it all paired with the complications and it was a stressful time. my sister (27f) then donated a lot of baby gear to us because we fell behind in buying with the financial strain. i mean, there was covid and everything going on and it was just so much. she really helped us out. really came to our rescue. but i never told my mom or stepdad because my sister is estranged from them and i knew it would lead to a fight because when they were struggling a few years ago she refused to help them and the fact she helped me i knew would lead to tension. heck, my mom wasn't happy she was maid of honor in my wedding. i think most of my extended family knew because they still talk to my sister. but everyone knew it was not a good idea for my mom to know. and then my aunt slipped up. after months of telling my mom i didn't know who donated the stuff my aunt made a comment in a lapse of judgement that basically said i did know and when she wouldn't come right out and say it my mom knew. my aunt apologized hard and i get it was very much unintentional. so does my sister. but my mom is pissed and said i should have straight up told her so she could know how much i don't care about my sister not giving a shit about anyone else in the family and being willing to let them suffer just a few short years ago. i told her she was younger and at the end of the day they were already estranged at that point. my mom told me i still lied and it was childish and wrong. i guess lying didn't really help in the end. though part of me feels like it really isn't any of her business. aita? [/INST] nta. instead of being grateful that your sister came thru for you, they’re caught up in the fact that their -estranged- daughter helped you *instead* of them. if there’s anyone being childish and immature, it’s your mother. your sister went nc with them for a reason and from the way you’re describing this, good for her. </s>
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AITA for telling my wife I'm happy that she had an abortion?
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we've been married for close to 10 years now (i'm 37m and she is 35f). we have two beautiful and amazing boys (7m and 9m).
in spite of this, something has been up with my wife lately. she's been acting very melancholy and distant. just prior to getting married, there was a pregnancy scare. honestly i was terrified... i really didn't want a child at that point just yet. i would be ready a year later, but not quite at that stage.
i told her my view, that ideally i'd like her to get an abortion but its ultimately up to her. i spent a lot of time praying that she would get an abortion and come to her senses. thankfully she decided that she wanted to abort. and then we had our boys soon after.
now she came forward to me and said she is feeling emotional about that time. i just didn't understand. why is she bringing up this stuff from the past? doesn't she care about our two boys? i told her that "i'm very glad that you had that abortion. it was the best thing to happen to me, and now we have our boys. they're our priority. not what could have been, that's all not real".
this angered her and she stormed off. since then she confronted me and called me an asshole and dickhead. i said that while i understand she is upset, its unfair to our boys. they're actually real children, whereas her abortion was obviously unborn, she needs to accept this. our boys are our priority. idk i am conflicted now aita?
| 2,467 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gs5nlh/aita_for_telling_my_wife_im_happy_that_she_had_an/
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2020-05-28 12:48:10
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yta she opened up about her feelings and you were insensitive and guilted her with “don’t you care about our boys”
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yta.
to be clear, you're entitled to feel happy about the fact that your wife had an abortion. and there is a respectful way for you to express your feelings as part of a back and forth conversation.
what struck me about the description you provided is that it is centered in your own experience with no apparent regard for your wife's experience. just like you are entitled to feel happy that she had an abortion, she is entitled to feel grief, regret, or whatever else that she feels. just because the abortion was 10+ years ago does not mean she is not entitled to feel those things. and there are any number of reasons that she may be feeling her current feelings now, a decade later. ideally, a partner would be open to learning more about her current struggle with this and provide empathy.
it should go without saying: your wife's feelings about having an abortion in no way affect her ability to be a parent to the two children you have now. she can both feel whatever feels genuine to her about the abortion and be a fantastic parent to the kids.
finally, you say that "i told her...i'd like her to get an abortion, but it's ultimately up to her." there is a place for the would-be father to share his feelings about having a child and about abortion when there is an unplanned pregnancy, and you correctly recognize that the choice was not yours to make. but based on your description of her decision to have the abortion as "com[ing] to her senses," i can't help but wonder if she felt pressured into having the abortion. it very well might not be the case. but if so, it may be an underlying part of her struggle with this right now.
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yta. it was clearly traumatic for her and she might regret it and you dismiss that by telling her you’re happy about it? learn some empathy
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yta. a huge one.
i had an abortion 7 years ago, before my two children were born and it is a really hard and emotional decision. despite have two healthy children, it still creeps in and upsets me. does that mean that i can't parent my existing children? does it mean i don't love my kids? absolutely fucking not. and if my husband said what you did, i'd honestly consider leaving him for showing a complete disregard for me as a person and a partner. what you said was insensitive, cruel and very misogynistic. because she has feelings about what she went through she automatically doesn't care about your living children? you can't come back from this one.
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yta
dude...dude. you totally invalidated her emotions and said, to her face, that since you're happy, it's fine. that your emotions and thoughts are what matter, not hers.
super insensitive. super self-involved. you are happy with your boys and your life, so she can just...what...suck it up?
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yta - you completely are ignoring her feelings. that abortion was traumatic for her. you should have been more comforting to her. imagine that you were in her shoes. getting an abortion is hard for many women, i would recommend googling the actual procedure. while, i'm glad you realized back at that time having a child would have been difficult and you ultimately let her make the choice, it was still very insensitive to dismiss her feelings. just because she is grieving about what could have been, does not mean she doesn't love your current boys also. i'm happy your family was able to move on and have 2 beautiful boys, but again, i would urge you to be more supportive.
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i try so hard to be kind to everyone in these posts, even people who are so clearly the asshole but i am in no mood today.
this is beyond mean. it is selfish. it is ghoulish. i can't believe that you didn't apply pressure on her back then to have an abortion and even if you didn't, she is allowed to mourn a soul that could have been. and this is coming from someone who is super-duper pro-choice.
yta.
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yta. big time.
here is the whole story: "it was the best thing to happen to me." that is so amazingly selfish. your wife came to you to tell you that she was upset about it and you ignored her feelings and turned it all about you and why should she be upset when you viewed it so differently.
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yta. i see where you are coming from but your response is so emotionally dense. i don't have time to explain it so i will just say that just because you and your wife have 2 healthy boys now, does not mean that she cannot be upset about or think about her abortion.
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yta. you totally dismissed her feelings for no reason.
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: we've been married for close to 10 years now (i'm 37m and she is 35f). we have two beautiful and amazing boys (7m and 9m). in spite of this, something has been up with my wife lately. she's been acting very melancholy and distant. just prior to getting married, there was a pregnancy scare. honestly i was terrified... i really didn't want a child at that point just yet. i would be ready a year later, but not quite at that stage. i told her my view, that ideally i'd like her to get an abortion but its ultimately up to her. i spent a lot of time praying that she would get an abortion and come to her senses. thankfully she decided that she wanted to abort. and then we had our boys soon after. now she came forward to me and said she is feeling emotional about that time. i just didn't understand. why is she bringing up this stuff from the past? doesn't she care about our two boys? i told her that "i'm very glad that you had that abortion. it was the best thing to happen to me, and now we have our boys. they're our priority. not what could have been, that's all not real". this angered her and she stormed off. since then she confronted me and called me an asshole and dickhead. i said that while i understand she is upset, its unfair to our boys. they're actually real children, whereas her abortion was obviously unborn, she needs to accept this. our boys are our priority. idk i am conflicted now aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
we've been married for close to 10 years now (i'm 37m and she is 35f). we have two beautiful and amazing boys (7m and 9m). in spite of this, something has been up with my wife lately. she's been acting very melancholy and distant. just prior to getting married, there was a pregnancy scare. honestly i was terrified... i really didn't want a child at that point just yet. i would be ready a year later, but not quite at that stage. i told her my view, that ideally i'd like her to get an abortion but its ultimately up to her. i spent a lot of time praying that she would get an abortion and come to her senses. thankfully she decided that she wanted to abort. and then we had our boys soon after. now she came forward to me and said she is feeling emotional about that time. i just didn't understand. why is she bringing up this stuff from the past? doesn't she care about our two boys? i told her that "i'm very glad that you had that abortion. it was the best thing to happen to me, and now we have our boys. they're our priority. not what could have been, that's all not real". this angered her and she stormed off. since then she confronted me and called me an asshole and dickhead. i said that while i understand she is upset, its unfair to our boys. they're actually real children, whereas her abortion was obviously unborn, she needs to accept this. our boys are our priority. idk i am conflicted now aita? [/INST] yta she opened up about her feelings and you were insensitive and guilted her with “don’t you care about our boys” </s>
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AITA for using my own spatula
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my college roommate and close friend reached out to me recently after many years of us going on with our lives and slowly drifting apart. lately she's been seeing a therapist. apparently part of her recovery(?) process was to contact me and list all the ways i've wronged her.
she had an entire litany of complaints that imo boiled down to stupid co-habitation spats and were long long forgotten. there was a "who ate the last fluffer-nutter sandwich" incident. and a "dibs on the better room." i got the crappier one btw but was at fault for suggesting we draw straws.
the "spatula event" which this post is about, i actually do recall myself because it was particularly weird. \[edit for context - "spatula event" happened roughly 20 years ago\]
so, onto the story -
my roommate/friend made a tray of brownies. all the housemates were encouraged to partake. but knowing the baker well, we all knew this could easily turn sideways. so the tray sat on the kitchen counter for a few days with our only spatula in the pan to serve with.
well... i was making some dinner. i needed the spatula (as i said, our only one). so i took it out of the brownies. washed it. used it. washed it again. and put it in the drawer.
it may be worth mentioning, but the spatula was actually originally purchased by me as part my contribution to the communal utensil needs. i actually still have it all these years later. it's a good spatula.
my roommate/friend saw it missing from the brownie tray and f-ing lost it. she was still using it and i had no right taking something while she was using it!
she was pissed for days back then. and apparently she's still not over it. and her therapist deems this sin important enough to encourage her to confront me.
so here i am wondering if i am an ah or is my friend (and her therapist) completely insane?
| 168 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/natq4z/aita_for_using_my_own_spatula/
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2021-05-12 17:03:54
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nta obviously, and i think maybe your friend misunderstood her therapist. she was probably supposed to call people up and apologize **to them**, not demand apologies from them.
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nta. i don’t see how leaving the spatula sitting in a tray of brownies counts as “using” it. if she was about to serve someone a brownie and you snatched it up so you could use it, that would be different. it was just sitting there, which is pretty much the definition of not in “use”.
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nta
and just because she is in therapy doesn't mean that you have to engage with her therapy process. you can say that you don't want to discuss petty roommate squabbles you barely remember from years ago.
your friend is nuts. you left her a clean spatula to use, when she left a dirty one lying around for days. (and who the heck doesn't cut up the brownies and put them in a container so they don't dry out?)
her therapist is *her* therapist, and if this bugs your friend, good therapy generally doesn't involve telling people their feelings are invalid, even if the causes are... strange. the therapist is probably trying to gently guide your former roommate into realizing she's making much ado about nothing with less creativity that shakespeare.
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nta. your roommate and her imaginary therapist need to stop making up excuses to rehash old arguments in an an attempt to "win" them this time around.
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nta and if her therapist told her to make a list of grievances and confront you, that therapist needs to lose their job.
you are not in therapy with her. this is not you two trying to work things out. this is her, re-emerging years later to complain about things like sandwiches, when you have moved on from this relationship.
her therapist doesn’t know you, and your reaction could have been very dangerous.
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nta it's just a spatula and also you washed the spatula after using. she could have just taken it out and start using. your roommate/friend was making no sense in this .
| null | null | null | null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null | null | null | null | 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my college roommate and close friend reached out to me recently after many years of us going on with our lives and slowly drifting apart. lately she's been seeing a therapist. apparently part of her recovery(?) process was to contact me and list all the ways i've wronged her. she had an entire litany of complaints that imo boiled down to stupid co-habitation spats and were long long forgotten. there was a "who ate the last fluffer-nutter sandwich" incident. and a "dibs on the better room." i got the crappier one btw but was at fault for suggesting we draw straws. the "spatula event" which this post is about, i actually do recall myself because it was particularly weird. \[edit for context - "spatula event" happened roughly 20 years ago\] so, onto the story - my roommate/friend made a tray of brownies. all the housemates were encouraged to partake. but knowing the baker well, we all knew this could easily turn sideways. so the tray sat on the kitchen counter for a few days with our only spatula in the pan to serve with. well... i was making some dinner. i needed the spatula (as i said, our only one). so i took it out of the brownies. washed it. used it. washed it again. and put it in the drawer. it may be worth mentioning, but the spatula was actually originally purchased by me as part my contribution to the communal utensil needs. i actually still have it all these years later. it's a good spatula. my roommate/friend saw it missing from the brownie tray and f-ing lost it. she was still using it and i had no right taking something while she was using it! she was pissed for days back then. and apparently she's still not over it. and her therapist deems this sin important enough to encourage her to confront me. so here i am wondering if i am an ah or is my friend (and her therapist) completely insane?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
my college roommate and close friend reached out to me recently after many years of us going on with our lives and slowly drifting apart. lately she's been seeing a therapist. apparently part of her recovery(?) process was to contact me and list all the ways i've wronged her. she had an entire litany of complaints that imo boiled down to stupid co-habitation spats and were long long forgotten. there was a "who ate the last fluffer-nutter sandwich" incident. and a "dibs on the better room." i got the crappier one btw but was at fault for suggesting we draw straws. the "spatula event" which this post is about, i actually do recall myself because it was particularly weird. \[edit for context - "spatula event" happened roughly 20 years ago\] so, onto the story - my roommate/friend made a tray of brownies. all the housemates were encouraged to partake. but knowing the baker well, we all knew this could easily turn sideways. so the tray sat on the kitchen counter for a few days with our only spatula in the pan to serve with. well... i was making some dinner. i needed the spatula (as i said, our only one). so i took it out of the brownies. washed it. used it. washed it again. and put it in the drawer. it may be worth mentioning, but the spatula was actually originally purchased by me as part my contribution to the communal utensil needs. i actually still have it all these years later. it's a good spatula. my roommate/friend saw it missing from the brownie tray and f-ing lost it. she was still using it and i had no right taking something while she was using it! she was pissed for days back then. and apparently she's still not over it. and her therapist deems this sin important enough to encourage her to confront me. so here i am wondering if i am an ah or is my friend (and her therapist) completely insane? [/INST] nta obviously, and i think maybe your friend misunderstood her therapist. she was probably supposed to call people up and apologize **to them**, not demand apologies from them. </s>
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AITA for taking daughter’s phone away after bullying incident?
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i (34f) have 2 kids (13f and 11m) with my ex (34m), we divorced 9 years ago, i married my husband (30m) five years ago, he has 3 children (14m, 13m, 10f) from his previous relationship, and we have 3 children together (3f, 1m and 1f).
my daughter and youngest stepson are in 8th grade together.
one of my stepson’s friend’s (13m) lived in india for 10 years, he’s white and was born in the us, like his parents. when he was 18 months, his parents moved to india for his father’s career, they came back last year and started 7th grade at my son’s school, my stepson and his friends became friends with him pretty soon after 7th grade started. the boy is an athlete like my son and joined the same soccer league as them, since he grew up in india, he still has a lot of connections to culture, food, sports and has taught my stepson and his friends about indian sports, which made them interested in hindi, and he often eats indian food. it’s nice to see my stepson and his friends be excited to learn about different cultures, they’re very sweet, laid back and accepting dudes.
a few weeks into the school year, my stepson and his other friends noticed that the boy was acting different, less open and cheerful then normal, they knew something was up and interrogated him until he admit he was being bullied at lunch for food he brought (last year they had same lunch period as him, this year none of the boys do) and was being cyber bullied. my son and his friends told him they were going to go to the principal to report this, he then showed them the dms from instagram, my stepson saw his stepsister and the group of girls she’s friends with were the bullies. they were at a restaurant together when he told them, when my son came home, he was very clearly angry and upset, which is odd since he’s very bubbly normally.
the next day, i get a phone call from their school telling me my daughter has been given in school school suspension for bullying, i thanked them and told them i would deal with my daughter.
when they got home, i told my stepson and daughter i needed to talk to them separately, i talked to my daughter and she said “it’s not that serious” and didn’t show any remorse, i then talked to my stepson and he was crying, very upset, i calmed him down and thanked him for stepping in for his friend. we also bought him and his friends some gifts off of ebay because we were proud of them.
after talking to my husband and my ex, we agreed on a punishment, we took my daughter’s phone away and gave her a flip phone.
my daughter lashed out saying this was completely unfair, saying we overreacted, she called my parents and now they’re saying i should be easy on her because “kids aren’t fully developed yet, give her a break”. aita?
| 2,688 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/x9uefg/aita_for_taking_daughters_phone_away_after/
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2022-09-09 12:36:20
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nta
"oh what's this‽ the consequences of my own actions‽"
she weaponized her access to cyberspace to harm another human being. you didn't overreact, you disarmed her until she can learn to be more responsible.
as to your parents, they're right that kids aren't fully developed yet. that's why they require parenting. you did the right thing.
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nta. it's directly related to what she did, and you did leave her with *a* phone, so it's not like you've isolated her completely. the fact that she hates this is exactly the reason it can have an impact.
that said, it also sounds like she could use some therapy. this utter lack of remorse or empathy is... concerning. kids aren't fully developed yet, so hey, there's still time to correct this personal bullshit of hers. but that requires action.
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nta
they’re saying i should be easy on her because “kids aren’t fully developed yet, give her a break”
taking her shiny phone away and giving her a still-functional for communication one is being easy on her for bullying.
you need to find out what else she thinks is “not that serious.”
and check in regularly on your other seven kids’ attitudes on everything from bullying to sexual harassment to racism to classism and a billion other things that you might be able to correct before they’re adults.
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to use her point, she’s right. she’s not fully developed yet and that’s why intervention and consequences are so necessary. so that when she’s fully developed, she can become a kinder person. you’re most definitely nta. and i would look into ways of instilling empathy in her before it’s too late. the lack of remorse is dangerous
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nta. you did the right thing. she & her friends were bullying; there’s indisputable proof of it. there’s no valid defense for her behavior and the fact that she showed zero remorse says she has a problem that needs to be nipped in the bud.
edited to add that her involving the grandparents would’ve resulted in further punishment from me. it’s not their business and they should butt out. she needs to learn that getting an answer you don’t like doesn’t give you permission to go ask others until you get what you want.
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nta. actions have consequences and this isn't an over the top punishment.
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nta, it is true that kids are not fully developed emotionally and mentally. that's why it is important to make them realise that their actions have consequences. it is a learning experience. bullying is awful and should be punished appropriately.
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nta.
yeah, kids aren’t fully developed and that’s why we as adults show them consequences and teach them. what daughter was doing was mean hearted and cruel, she is trying to bully you now by reaching out to your parents. calling grandparents is almost always a power move in a kids mind.
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nta.
not at all. you handled this in the best way possible. communication with the child, communication with your spouse, and a punishment that is appropriate.
don't let up! don't let her grandparents get her a new phone, or give her things to "make up" for her getting her phone taken away and undermine you and your spouse's authority.
her brain is developed enough to know bullying is wrong and to be aware of the potentially devastating effects of bullying.
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nta. bullies deserve their consequences
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (34f) have 2 kids (13f and 11m) with my ex (34m), we divorced 9 years ago, i married my husband (30m) five years ago, he has 3 children (14m, 13m, 10f) from his previous relationship, and we have 3 children together (3f, 1m and 1f). my daughter and youngest stepson are in 8th grade together. one of my stepson’s friend’s (13m) lived in india for 10 years, he’s white and was born in the us, like his parents. when he was 18 months, his parents moved to india for his father’s career, they came back last year and started 7th grade at my son’s school, my stepson and his friends became friends with him pretty soon after 7th grade started. the boy is an athlete like my son and joined the same soccer league as them, since he grew up in india, he still has a lot of connections to culture, food, sports and has taught my stepson and his friends about indian sports, which made them interested in hindi, and he often eats indian food. it’s nice to see my stepson and his friends be excited to learn about different cultures, they’re very sweet, laid back and accepting dudes. a few weeks into the school year, my stepson and his other friends noticed that the boy was acting different, less open and cheerful then normal, they knew something was up and interrogated him until he admit he was being bullied at lunch for food he brought (last year they had same lunch period as him, this year none of the boys do) and was being cyber bullied. my son and his friends told him they were going to go to the principal to report this, he then showed them the dms from instagram, my stepson saw his stepsister and the group of girls she’s friends with were the bullies. they were at a restaurant together when he told them, when my son came home, he was very clearly angry and upset, which is odd since he’s very bubbly normally. the next day, i get a phone call from their school telling me my daughter has been given in school school suspension for bullying, i thanked them and told them i would deal with my daughter. when they got home, i told my stepson and daughter i needed to talk to them separately, i talked to my daughter and she said “it’s not that serious” and didn’t show any remorse, i then talked to my stepson and he was crying, very upset, i calmed him down and thanked him for stepping in for his friend. we also bought him and his friends some gifts off of ebay because we were proud of them. after talking to my husband and my ex, we agreed on a punishment, we took my daughter’s phone away and gave her a flip phone. my daughter lashed out saying this was completely unfair, saying we overreacted, she called my parents and now they’re saying i should be easy on her because “kids aren’t fully developed yet, give her a break”. aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i (34f) have 2 kids (13f and 11m) with my ex (34m), we divorced 9 years ago, i married my husband (30m) five years ago, he has 3 children (14m, 13m, 10f) from his previous relationship, and we have 3 children together (3f, 1m and 1f). my daughter and youngest stepson are in 8th grade together. one of my stepson’s friend’s (13m) lived in india for 10 years, he’s white and was born in the us, like his parents. when he was 18 months, his parents moved to india for his father’s career, they came back last year and started 7th grade at my son’s school, my stepson and his friends became friends with him pretty soon after 7th grade started. the boy is an athlete like my son and joined the same soccer league as them, since he grew up in india, he still has a lot of connections to culture, food, sports and has taught my stepson and his friends about indian sports, which made them interested in hindi, and he often eats indian food. it’s nice to see my stepson and his friends be excited to learn about different cultures, they’re very sweet, laid back and accepting dudes. a few weeks into the school year, my stepson and his other friends noticed that the boy was acting different, less open and cheerful then normal, they knew something was up and interrogated him until he admit he was being bullied at lunch for food he brought (last year they had same lunch period as him, this year none of the boys do) and was being cyber bullied. my son and his friends told him they were going to go to the principal to report this, he then showed them the dms from instagram, my stepson saw his stepsister and the group of girls she’s friends with were the bullies. they were at a restaurant together when he told them, when my son came home, he was very clearly angry and upset, which is odd since he’s very bubbly normally. the next day, i get a phone call from their school telling me my daughter has been given in school school suspension for bullying, i thanked them and told them i would deal with my daughter. when they got home, i told my stepson and daughter i needed to talk to them separately, i talked to my daughter and she said “it’s not that serious” and didn’t show any remorse, i then talked to my stepson and he was crying, very upset, i calmed him down and thanked him for stepping in for his friend. we also bought him and his friends some gifts off of ebay because we were proud of them. after talking to my husband and my ex, we agreed on a punishment, we took my daughter’s phone away and gave her a flip phone. my daughter lashed out saying this was completely unfair, saying we overreacted, she called my parents and now they’re saying i should be easy on her because “kids aren’t fully developed yet, give her a break”. aita? [/INST] nta "oh what's this‽ the consequences of my own actions‽" she weaponized her access to cyberspace to harm another human being. you didn't overreact, you disarmed her until she can learn to be more responsible. as to your parents, they're right that kids aren't fully developed yet. that's why they require parenting. you did the right thing. </s>
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AITA I want to withdraw financial support for my daughters wedding dress because its more revealing than I like?
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i am a practising jew. some might believe our rules to be quite archaic and unimportant in today’s world, but as with any religion, adherents like myself try and find a balance to best live our lives.
my daughter is marrying a non jewish man, and has blown a sizeable amount of money on her dream wedding. many of the wedding customs that she’s chosen to incorporate are things that either directly go against my faith (and the faith she was raised in) or are in very murky waters. i have said nothing to her because i want to be supportive and it’s not my wedding, it’s hers.
she approached me recently asking if i would consider buying her her wedding dress as the one she wants is *very* expensive. i hesitated over it, and said to my daughter after some deliberation that i would love to buy her her dress on the understanding it would be modest according to my faith, as if i bought her the garment and it wasn’t in keeping with jewish law, i would be aiding in both violating my observance of our faith and another jews. in our culture/ faith, it doesn’t matter if she’s not a practicing jew, she is still jewish by blood. she agreed, and my stipulations were a higher neckline and covered arms.
i trusted her enough not to go to every bridal appointment, paid half the deposit on the first one where my daughter and the stylist went through our requirements, but a few weeks ago i thought i may as well pop into the store to see how her dress was coming along as i was going past and to my extreme surprise the dress that the salesgirl showed me was a completely different dress altogether. it was a corset / bustier style which obviously is rather different.
after double checking there hadn’t been a mix up, i called my daughter and told her i was very sorry but she’d need to find another way to pay for the rest of her dress because she broke the understanding we had.
she was very upset, understandably, being as the dress is very expensive, but in my eyes i agreed to something and the way she tried to dupe me with something else was underhanded and wrong. she can wear whatever dress she chooses to, but i cannot and will not be the one financing it. however my entire family excepting my husband are against me on this and think although she was wrong, i should just suck it up and pay the rest of the amount for her dress.
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cqyrfz/aita_i_want_to_withdraw_financial_support_for_my/
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2019-08-16 00:37:57
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nta, you had an agreement and she broke it. no deal.
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nta because she lied. you were clear about what you needed to be willing to pay and already paid half. if she couldn't afford without your help she should have chosen another dress.
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nta, given that you were explicit about the understanding that it would be modest according to your faith.
i would be \*very\* careful about accusing her of trying to dupe you, which i feel like is going to take this to a whole different level, but you made your standards for paying for the dress very clear and she decided not to meet them. it's not like you're refusing to attend the wedding or anything. it's absolutely your place to say that if you don't want to live up to the standards i've set for paying for your wedding dress, pay for it yourself.
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nta
usually i would say it's her wedding, but she came to you to ask for you to pay for an expensive dress and were upfront with the stipulation. she went behind your back to use the money for a dress against the agreement and now is upset that you are holding her to it.
this isnt a case of dangling money to get your way at her wedding, she came to you and said she would to get the cash, which is deceitful on her part.
you mentioned that she had to find another way to pay for the rest of the dress. that gives me the impression that you have paid part of it already. i would not ask for that money already paid back just to not sour the relationship. (im assuming it was a downpayment and not the full amount)
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nta
while i find your values to be antiquated - that's not the issue here - if you clearly communicated the conditions of your financial support and she broke the agreement in bad faith, then you have every right to renege on the agreement.
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nta for not paying, which is the question. yta for expecting your adult daughter to abide by the strict and sexist tenets of your faith, but there's no obligation for you to pay for the dress.
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nta. i feel like i’m the perfect person to weigh in here haha. you are already being extremely accepting by jewish standards, she agreed to your terms then broke them.
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nta
you seem like you are being very reasonable and still being supportive/apart of the process even though you do not agree with everything. it was completely wrong for her to plan to use your money and go behind your back to get a different dress than was agreed upon. it would have been awful if you did not find out prior to the wedding day!
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nta. she made a deal with you and then broke it behind your back. i agree with others saying that at this point asking for the down payment back would be harmful to your relationship with her, but seriously i'm annoyed on your behalf that you were "forced" in this way to pay at all for a dress totally not in line with your standards.
for the people getting snippy about how you are "enforcing your archaic values on her", frankly i find that ridiculous. i'm a practicing orthodox jew. i totally hear that it is disappointing and hurtful to you that she is marrying a non-jew and dropping everything to do with your religion. i think that the fact that you are doing your best to support her, love her, and accept this wedding and her lifestyle choices says a lot of wonderful things about you. there are many people who would find that too conflicting with their own belief system and would not be able to come to terms with it (a la fiddler on the roof). that being said, there is a big difference between swallowing your unhappiness and reservations out of love for your daughter and a desire to continue to have her in your life, and actively financing and enabling her values over yours. showing up at the wedding, holding your tongue, and putting on a happy face is being a mature, loving, and wise mother. having to pay for a dress that is basically a slap in the face to your values -is quite another.
i would compare it, religion aside, to a daughter asking you to fund her drug/ alcohol/gambling addiction. as a mother, it would clearly hurt you to see your daughter involved in dangerous life choices. no one would fault you for saying "i love you dearly but i understand that you are an adult and free to make your own choices in life, i long for you to choose otherwise but it's not my place to make these decisions for you." (in fact, people would probably be upset at you for not stepping in with an intervention, but whatever, getting back on track here.) but nobody would expect you to actively fund such an addiction! nobody would fault you for saying "i don't feel morally ok with supporting something so not in line with my values, i refuse to give you money to be spent that way!"
yet because religion is involved, people expect you to totally ignore any standards and values you have in order to give your daughter whatever she wants. why is it not ok to say, "honey, it's your wedding, your life, your choices, you know i don't agree with it but i love you so i will still show up for your big day, however, i do not feel ok with actively enabling choices that are directly against my values"?
in summary, the dress was not a gift you offered. she came to you and asked you for it, you were uncomfortable, (and as someone religious i can understand that, i believe some secular people just never will) and yet you found a way for the two of you to agree on a compromise of sorts. and then she sneakily broke that deal behind your back. you are nta, 1000%.
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nta. you had a specific understanding with your daughter about the kind of wedding dress you would financially support and she betrayed that trust to buy something she wanted. if she wanted a dress that you would not approve of, she was more than free to buy it for herself.
when she accepted your money, she accepted your conditions.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i am a practising jew. some might believe our rules to be quite archaic and unimportant in today’s world, but as with any religion, adherents like myself try and find a balance to best live our lives. my daughter is marrying a non jewish man, and has blown a sizeable amount of money on her dream wedding. many of the wedding customs that she’s chosen to incorporate are things that either directly go against my faith (and the faith she was raised in) or are in very murky waters. i have said nothing to her because i want to be supportive and it’s not my wedding, it’s hers. she approached me recently asking if i would consider buying her her wedding dress as the one she wants is *very* expensive. i hesitated over it, and said to my daughter after some deliberation that i would love to buy her her dress on the understanding it would be modest according to my faith, as if i bought her the garment and it wasn’t in keeping with jewish law, i would be aiding in both violating my observance of our faith and another jews. in our culture/ faith, it doesn’t matter if she’s not a practicing jew, she is still jewish by blood. she agreed, and my stipulations were a higher neckline and covered arms. i trusted her enough not to go to every bridal appointment, paid half the deposit on the first one where my daughter and the stylist went through our requirements, but a few weeks ago i thought i may as well pop into the store to see how her dress was coming along as i was going past and to my extreme surprise the dress that the salesgirl showed me was a completely different dress altogether. it was a corset / bustier style which obviously is rather different. after double checking there hadn’t been a mix up, i called my daughter and told her i was very sorry but she’d need to find another way to pay for the rest of her dress because she broke the understanding we had. she was very upset, understandably, being as the dress is very expensive, but in my eyes i agreed to something and the way she tried to dupe me with something else was underhanded and wrong. she can wear whatever dress she chooses to, but i cannot and will not be the one financing it. however my entire family excepting my husband are against me on this and think although she was wrong, i should just suck it up and pay the rest of the amount for her dress.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i am a practising jew. some might believe our rules to be quite archaic and unimportant in today’s world, but as with any religion, adherents like myself try and find a balance to best live our lives. my daughter is marrying a non jewish man, and has blown a sizeable amount of money on her dream wedding. many of the wedding customs that she’s chosen to incorporate are things that either directly go against my faith (and the faith she was raised in) or are in very murky waters. i have said nothing to her because i want to be supportive and it’s not my wedding, it’s hers. she approached me recently asking if i would consider buying her her wedding dress as the one she wants is *very* expensive. i hesitated over it, and said to my daughter after some deliberation that i would love to buy her her dress on the understanding it would be modest according to my faith, as if i bought her the garment and it wasn’t in keeping with jewish law, i would be aiding in both violating my observance of our faith and another jews. in our culture/ faith, it doesn’t matter if she’s not a practicing jew, she is still jewish by blood. she agreed, and my stipulations were a higher neckline and covered arms. i trusted her enough not to go to every bridal appointment, paid half the deposit on the first one where my daughter and the stylist went through our requirements, but a few weeks ago i thought i may as well pop into the store to see how her dress was coming along as i was going past and to my extreme surprise the dress that the salesgirl showed me was a completely different dress altogether. it was a corset / bustier style which obviously is rather different. after double checking there hadn’t been a mix up, i called my daughter and told her i was very sorry but she’d need to find another way to pay for the rest of her dress because she broke the understanding we had. she was very upset, understandably, being as the dress is very expensive, but in my eyes i agreed to something and the way she tried to dupe me with something else was underhanded and wrong. she can wear whatever dress she chooses to, but i cannot and will not be the one financing it. however my entire family excepting my husband are against me on this and think although she was wrong, i should just suck it up and pay the rest of the amount for her dress. [/INST] nta, you had an agreement and she broke it. no deal. </s>
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AITA for calling out my GF on a bad gift, and telling her what I want?
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some context: i’ve been with my gf for a year and half. she’s pretty standard for what gifts she likes: clothes/ jewelry. i’m a little more nuanced ( hobbies range from gaming/ reading/ i play guitar and i have a weird thing for hot sauce). our first bday together she got me some fancy cuff links. it’s a sweet first gift, not something i’d get super excited over, but nice because i needed them. now we get to her birthday- i get her a pair of over the knee boots that were in her freaking shopping cart. like i nailed it. also, got a year long rosetta stone subscription to learn spanish because she said we wanted to learn a language together. another holiday rolls around and she gets me a hot sauce making kit. this is the sweetest gift i might have ever gotten. not expensive, just really thoughtful. almost moved to tears. and i say so. fast forward to my birthday this year. she completely backslides gets me a wallet which is in the same vain as the gift from the year previous. she also books a day of activities of couples massage and a dinner. here’s the thing though- at first it was just the wallet. it just felt so impersonal and that it was more for her because she wanted me to have a nicer wallet (old one was a little ratty). it was upsetting- at this point she knows what i like, she knows i am financially strapped and i wouldn’t be able to spend money on some of my more expensive hobbies like gaming. anyway she says she’ll never get me video game stuff because she doesn’t want to buy me things she buys her 11 yr old brother. that was kind of insulting. i say when i buy gifts i don’t consider myself i only consider what would the other person happiest. she said i made her feel bad, on my birthday...i don’t know..even typing this i feel like i’m being whiny and immature. it would just be so nice if i had someone who wanted to get me these things so they could see the joy in my face. i felt shitty after when i found out about the rest of the stuff, but after she said those things it left a bad taste in my mouth. anyway her birthday just passed and i got her a nice necklace i knew she wanted, and we went to dinner. we ended up fighting somewhat about the gifts thing (i kept saying things like “yea birthdays are only for the other person, so i don’t consider myself”). so aita, should i just give up on hoping to get gifts i like?
tl;dr gf got me something i wasn’t into, called her out on it, she said she’s not going to indulge my video game hobby, ever.
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ag83wx/aita_for_calling_out_my_gf_on_a_bad_gift_and/
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2019-01-15 12:43:02
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yta. your behavior is pure selfishness. turning a birthday celebration into being whiny and petulant over not getting the perfect gift? come on. my wife doesn’t always hit the mark but i don’t tell her that and i certainly don’t shit all over her for it. she went out of her way to get me a gift and that’s what counts in the end.
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yta. she got you nice stuff and all you're doing is complaining. tracking your mutual gift history is a bad idea too, sounds like you just want to hold it against her when something isn't perfect. if you never specifically told her what you want, you can't get mad when she gets you something else that she thought of.
and maybe you should revisit your financial situation if video games are that important to you instead of assuming your girlfriend will support your hobby.
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"i feel like i’m being whiny and immature. "
you are correct.
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yta, for reasons everybody else has mentioned.
but also: it sounds like your strategy for getting her gifts is to just go into her cart or wish list and pick something. doing that doesn’t take any thought or insight or creativity. it doesn’t make you a great gift-giver.
she, on the other hand, observed something that you probably needed to upgrade, without you even mentioning it. was the wallet a swing and miss this time? yeah, probably. but it showed she was trying, and was thinking about you. in the long run, i‘m confident she’ll be a much better gift-giver than you.
everybody gets lame gifts from time to time from people we love. but continuing to bitch about it on her birthday? she honestly should dump you.
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esh. you sounded pretty entitled with this statement: "she knows i am financially strapped and i wouldn't be able to spend money on some of my more expensive hobbies like gaming." it's not her job to pay for shit that you can't afford.
she sucks because of the whole "she doesn't want to buy me things she buys her 11 yr old brother." that's just silly and immature. and if she *really* did buy the wallet because she was embarrassed by your ratty wallet then she definitely sucks the most here.
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yta. i mean, really? acting passive aggressive on her birthday and making shitty snide comments? that’s fucked up.
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yta. 100%. you seriously expect her to magically know that she was supposed to buy you video games just because you're broke? and then you accuse her to her face of not even trying to consider what you wanted? huge asshole. yes, her mocking your hobby is kind of rude. but that doesn't magically give you the right to be a combative dickhead and completely and utterly ignore basic manners when it comes to receiving gifts.
yta also for arguing with every person in this thread who's calling you out for being an asshole to her. you know you're being whiny and immature! you even say so in your original post! and yet when other people agree with you all of a sudden you want to argue with them. yikes dude.
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yta. her video game comment was a little mean, but putting that aside you have three options.
1. tell her exactly what you want for every occasion. this will make sure you always get a gift you want. though it will be impersonal.
2. suck it up and take what she gives you, even though its not always the most fun gift ever.
3. have an adult conversation with her without being accusatory. tell her that gifts mean a lot to you and that you'd like her to put a little more thought into them.
though those are just solutions to help your relationship. you are materialistic and that's gonna take some personal work to get through. the thought of the gift is what matters. it says that the person cares about you. and while cuff links and a wallet aren't the most flashy or fun gifts, they were things you needed and show that she was taking your needs into account.
tl;dr: stop being a selfish materialistic asshole and your relationship will survive.
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i like how you said her likes were standard, but yours were more 'nuanced' and then listed the most basic male hobbies. if i asked my bf, brother, or stepdad what their hobbies were they would literally say the exact same things.
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yta. dude the more of that i read the more you started to sound like dennis reynolds. if you're honestly disappointed with perfectly reasonable gifts (you admitted yourself you needed a new wallet) then lord almighty i'd dread to think what other narcissistic personality traits you may have.
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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ESH
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
| 0.000646 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: some context: i’ve been with my gf for a year and half. she’s pretty standard for what gifts she likes: clothes/ jewelry. i’m a little more nuanced ( hobbies range from gaming/ reading/ i play guitar and i have a weird thing for hot sauce). our first bday together she got me some fancy cuff links. it’s a sweet first gift, not something i’d get super excited over, but nice because i needed them. now we get to her birthday- i get her a pair of over the knee boots that were in her freaking shopping cart. like i nailed it. also, got a year long rosetta stone subscription to learn spanish because she said we wanted to learn a language together. another holiday rolls around and she gets me a hot sauce making kit. this is the sweetest gift i might have ever gotten. not expensive, just really thoughtful. almost moved to tears. and i say so. fast forward to my birthday this year. she completely backslides gets me a wallet which is in the same vain as the gift from the year previous. she also books a day of activities of couples massage and a dinner. here’s the thing though- at first it was just the wallet. it just felt so impersonal and that it was more for her because she wanted me to have a nicer wallet (old one was a little ratty). it was upsetting- at this point she knows what i like, she knows i am financially strapped and i wouldn’t be able to spend money on some of my more expensive hobbies like gaming. anyway she says she’ll never get me video game stuff because she doesn’t want to buy me things she buys her 11 yr old brother. that was kind of insulting. i say when i buy gifts i don’t consider myself i only consider what would the other person happiest. she said i made her feel bad, on my birthday...i don’t know..even typing this i feel like i’m being whiny and immature. it would just be so nice if i had someone who wanted to get me these things so they could see the joy in my face. i felt shitty after when i found out about the rest of the stuff, but after she said those things it left a bad taste in my mouth. anyway her birthday just passed and i got her a nice necklace i knew she wanted, and we went to dinner. we ended up fighting somewhat about the gifts thing (i kept saying things like “yea birthdays are only for the other person, so i don’t consider myself”). so aita, should i just give up on hoping to get gifts i like? tl;dr gf got me something i wasn’t into, called her out on it, she said she’s not going to indulge my video game hobby, ever.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
some context: i’ve been with my gf for a year and half. she’s pretty standard for what gifts she likes: clothes/ jewelry. i’m a little more nuanced ( hobbies range from gaming/ reading/ i play guitar and i have a weird thing for hot sauce). our first bday together she got me some fancy cuff links. it’s a sweet first gift, not something i’d get super excited over, but nice because i needed them. now we get to her birthday- i get her a pair of over the knee boots that were in her freaking shopping cart. like i nailed it. also, got a year long rosetta stone subscription to learn spanish because she said we wanted to learn a language together. another holiday rolls around and she gets me a hot sauce making kit. this is the sweetest gift i might have ever gotten. not expensive, just really thoughtful. almost moved to tears. and i say so. fast forward to my birthday this year. she completely backslides gets me a wallet which is in the same vain as the gift from the year previous. she also books a day of activities of couples massage and a dinner. here’s the thing though- at first it was just the wallet. it just felt so impersonal and that it was more for her because she wanted me to have a nicer wallet (old one was a little ratty). it was upsetting- at this point she knows what i like, she knows i am financially strapped and i wouldn’t be able to spend money on some of my more expensive hobbies like gaming. anyway she says she’ll never get me video game stuff because she doesn’t want to buy me things she buys her 11 yr old brother. that was kind of insulting. i say when i buy gifts i don’t consider myself i only consider what would the other person happiest. she said i made her feel bad, on my birthday...i don’t know..even typing this i feel like i’m being whiny and immature. it would just be so nice if i had someone who wanted to get me these things so they could see the joy in my face. i felt shitty after when i found out about the rest of the stuff, but after she said those things it left a bad taste in my mouth. anyway her birthday just passed and i got her a nice necklace i knew she wanted, and we went to dinner. we ended up fighting somewhat about the gifts thing (i kept saying things like “yea birthdays are only for the other person, so i don’t consider myself”). so aita, should i just give up on hoping to get gifts i like? tl;dr gf got me something i wasn’t into, called her out on it, she said she’s not going to indulge my video game hobby, ever. [/INST] yta. your behavior is pure selfishness. turning a birthday celebration into being whiny and petulant over not getting the perfect gift? come on. my wife doesn’t always hit the mark but i don’t tell her that and i certainly don’t shit all over her for it. she went out of her way to get me a gift and that’s what counts in the end. </s>
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AITA For not letting my husband go on a postponed bachelor party trip
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one of my husband's closest friends got married in a courthouse ceremony last year. they debated postponing their entire ceremony, but decided to just do a courthouse wedding to save money. they threw a smallish reception like party in their backyard to celebrate with friends and family instead.
since they also both had to cancel their bachelor/bachelorette parties, they decided to use some of the money they saved from the wedding to go on trips with their friends. my husband's friend decided he wanted to go to vegas. he sent out an email to everyone invited, detailing the trip. his friend would book and pay for an entire villa suite so the only thing the attendees would have to pay for would be airfare and spending cash.
when my husband told me about it he was so excited as he's never been to vegas and this seemed like the perfect trip since his friend was covering a huge expense. however, we have 2 young kids at home, a 3-year old and a 6-week newborn. the trip is in 6 weeks and my husband's friend wants for sure answers on who is going by the end of this week so he can finalize reservations.
i told my husband i don't want him to go because i need his help at home. he pretty much begged me but i did not give in. i do not think i can handle the needs of both kids by myself. neither of us has family nearby, and i'm pretty much estranged from all of my family anyway. the only real option we have for help is his mom and she lives 3,000 miles away. he offered to pay for her to come stay to help but i told him we can't afford it, which he should know.
i was also upset that he thought we had the money to pay for this at all. we have 2 kids, we shouldn't be spending our money on gambling party trips. i pretty much put my foot down and told my husband he can't go and that there is nothing he can do to convince me that he should or that it's even an idea worth entertaining.
he's still been trying to convince me and come up with ideas that he thinks will make it work, no matter how many times i tell him to stop. i finally snapped at him and told him to drop it because he's not going and there's nothing he can do to convince me otherwise. i told him his priority needs to be his family right now, not going off with friends to blow money on drinks and gambling.
he called me a controlling jerk and that i'm depriving him of a once-in-a-lifetime trip. i told him if he went he would be missing out on once-in-a-lifetime moments with his kids and that's what he needs to focus on. i told him he just needs to drop and it tell his friend he can't go and be done with it.
he told me that he hopes i remember this when there's something that i really want to do, because he would never deprive me of an experience like this. he did finally tell his friend he can't go, but now he is barely talking to me, and pretty much only about things related to the kids. i can't even understand why he thought going would be a good idea, but am i the asshole here?
| 5,891 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q2qq5z/aita_for_not_letting_my_husband_go_on_a_postponed/
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2021-10-06 18:45:07
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yta. sounds like you're dictating terms, not discussing them ... no wonder he's barely speaking to you ... what's the point of dialogue with someone whose mind is already made up, about everything.
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you need couples counseling, not reddit's approval.
seriously, big stuff here. this is bigger than a trip. having people tell you you're nta isn't going to help the issue.
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as someone who single parented kids born 17 months apart, even when they were infants - with zero family support - i feel you, but if it’s not too late i gently urge you to reconsider for the sake of your marriage. you’ll make it through 3 nights, even if it will be damn hard, and he’ll take over when he gets back, eternally grateful to you. no, it isn’t fair that he gets a break while you do double the work and lose twice the sleep. but showing him you can do it and will go through it for him will strengthen your marriage at a time that sounds like you guys are disconnected. it doesn’t really sound like it’s about the money, unless he has a history of irresponsible solo spending?
let him go, and expect to be the goddess thereafter.
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nta.
i see why he wants to go but newborns are hard. both parents, not just the mother, should be fully expected to sacrifice all of thier social events temporarily after having a baby. it's what you sign up for when you choose to impregnate someone. your life is no longer your own. your kids needs come first. and it sounds like the kids needs can't be met at this stage by just one parent. both toddlers and newborns are hard work and sleep is in short supply. the needs of your family,of your children to be cared for,and of your wife to get sleep and be healthy mentally are first over friends. newborns have high needs around the clock. leaving them is unrealistic at this age. you can't just dump off your newborn on the other parent for days because of a once in a life time opportunity to party. when you are a parent you pass those opportunities up because you made that choice when you made a kid.
you will be sleep deprived alone with no breaks for 3 days. 12 weeks is way too little to be left for days at a time. if this trip was planned at any other time than a few weeks after childbirth i'd vote different. but dumping all the baby care on your partner to fuck off and party 12 weeks post partum in the most difficult months of a parents life is very selfish and inconsiderate.
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info: honesty was any of his other ideas provided you with the help you need and not hurt your two financially?
edit till i get a response: leaning to yta, if your partner is attempting to compromise where you aren't being hurt financially and he's able to find you help with the kids than you're not being a partner instead you're being a dictator saying what you says goes.
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nta. you made the decision together to have a second child together and he needs to honor the commitment of being a father and supporting his newborn. especially when it's a gambling trip and not like... camping in the woods where there's no possibility of draining away funds on gambling.
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yta. you are his wife...not his mom. you are forbidding him? you expect him to stop living? stop spending time with his friends and focus only on his family? the issue is not that you prefer he not go but that you aren't talking to him about it or looking at ways to make it work. you are dismissing his feelings. that is what he will hold onto. the fact he really wanted something and even if it would have ended up not working out, you completely disregarded how he felt about it. it is controlling. remember you only have kids in your day to day life for approximately 18 years but hopefully will have your husband for the rest of your life. his feelings and wants should also be important to you.
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something that i haven't seen mentioned here is the fact that vegas is the perfect environment for covid to spread and op has two children too young to be vaccinated. that taken together with childcare and financial restraints are all very legitimate concerns. probably worth having a conversation about how to mitigate the covid risk, find support for childcare, and together decide on a budget for his spending money.
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nta if your youngest were a bit older i would understand him wanting to leave but at 6 weeks it should be an all hands on deck thing.
at 6 weeks the baby’s schedule is still erratic and all over the place so consecutive sleep for parents will match that, plus the complications of having another toddler running around and also any recovery depending on the birth. not to mention work. so i don’t think it’s controlling to ask your partner to be there during the earliest and most chaotic time of a baby’s life. maybe you should have said it nicer but he should know better than to badger you over it after you said you need help.
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nta. when you’re a parent of a newborn you don’t get to take solo vacations spanning 3 days. if it was 1 night, yeah okay, you’re being a butthole, but 3 nights? absolutely not.
it’s clear from these comments that most of these people don’t have kids. it’s *normal* for a 12 week old baby to wake up 2-6 times to feed every night, you’ve lucked out if your kid is getting up twice a night. they need to be fed every 3-4 hours, which means op will need to focus solely on the baby for about 30 mins. what’s the toddler going to do? run wild. a two year old requires a bed time routine, it’s normal for that to take 30-60 minutes. how’s she going to bathe two kids who need constant supervision by herself? how’s she going to cook meals? do laundry? shower herself?
‘but my mother was a single mother’ ‘my auntie had a dead beat husband’ congratulations, your mother/auntie suffered because of shitty men who didn’t parent.
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YTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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INFO
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NTA
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YTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
| 0.334749 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: one of my husband's closest friends got married in a courthouse ceremony last year. they debated postponing their entire ceremony, but decided to just do a courthouse wedding to save money. they threw a smallish reception like party in their backyard to celebrate with friends and family instead. since they also both had to cancel their bachelor/bachelorette parties, they decided to use some of the money they saved from the wedding to go on trips with their friends. my husband's friend decided he wanted to go to vegas. he sent out an email to everyone invited, detailing the trip. his friend would book and pay for an entire villa suite so the only thing the attendees would have to pay for would be airfare and spending cash. when my husband told me about it he was so excited as he's never been to vegas and this seemed like the perfect trip since his friend was covering a huge expense. however, we have 2 young kids at home, a 3-year old and a 6-week newborn. the trip is in 6 weeks and my husband's friend wants for sure answers on who is going by the end of this week so he can finalize reservations. i told my husband i don't want him to go because i need his help at home. he pretty much begged me but i did not give in. i do not think i can handle the needs of both kids by myself. neither of us has family nearby, and i'm pretty much estranged from all of my family anyway. the only real option we have for help is his mom and she lives 3,000 miles away. he offered to pay for her to come stay to help but i told him we can't afford it, which he should know. i was also upset that he thought we had the money to pay for this at all. we have 2 kids, we shouldn't be spending our money on gambling party trips. i pretty much put my foot down and told my husband he can't go and that there is nothing he can do to convince me that he should or that it's even an idea worth entertaining. he's still been trying to convince me and come up with ideas that he thinks will make it work, no matter how many times i tell him to stop. i finally snapped at him and told him to drop it because he's not going and there's nothing he can do to convince me otherwise. i told him his priority needs to be his family right now, not going off with friends to blow money on drinks and gambling. he called me a controlling jerk and that i'm depriving him of a once-in-a-lifetime trip. i told him if he went he would be missing out on once-in-a-lifetime moments with his kids and that's what he needs to focus on. i told him he just needs to drop and it tell his friend he can't go and be done with it. he told me that he hopes i remember this when there's something that i really want to do, because he would never deprive me of an experience like this. he did finally tell his friend he can't go, but now he is barely talking to me, and pretty much only about things related to the kids. i can't even understand why he thought going would be a good idea, but am i the asshole here?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
one of my husband's closest friends got married in a courthouse ceremony last year. they debated postponing their entire ceremony, but decided to just do a courthouse wedding to save money. they threw a smallish reception like party in their backyard to celebrate with friends and family instead. since they also both had to cancel their bachelor/bachelorette parties, they decided to use some of the money they saved from the wedding to go on trips with their friends. my husband's friend decided he wanted to go to vegas. he sent out an email to everyone invited, detailing the trip. his friend would book and pay for an entire villa suite so the only thing the attendees would have to pay for would be airfare and spending cash. when my husband told me about it he was so excited as he's never been to vegas and this seemed like the perfect trip since his friend was covering a huge expense. however, we have 2 young kids at home, a 3-year old and a 6-week newborn. the trip is in 6 weeks and my husband's friend wants for sure answers on who is going by the end of this week so he can finalize reservations. i told my husband i don't want him to go because i need his help at home. he pretty much begged me but i did not give in. i do not think i can handle the needs of both kids by myself. neither of us has family nearby, and i'm pretty much estranged from all of my family anyway. the only real option we have for help is his mom and she lives 3,000 miles away. he offered to pay for her to come stay to help but i told him we can't afford it, which he should know. i was also upset that he thought we had the money to pay for this at all. we have 2 kids, we shouldn't be spending our money on gambling party trips. i pretty much put my foot down and told my husband he can't go and that there is nothing he can do to convince me that he should or that it's even an idea worth entertaining. he's still been trying to convince me and come up with ideas that he thinks will make it work, no matter how many times i tell him to stop. i finally snapped at him and told him to drop it because he's not going and there's nothing he can do to convince me otherwise. i told him his priority needs to be his family right now, not going off with friends to blow money on drinks and gambling. he called me a controlling jerk and that i'm depriving him of a once-in-a-lifetime trip. i told him if he went he would be missing out on once-in-a-lifetime moments with his kids and that's what he needs to focus on. i told him he just needs to drop and it tell his friend he can't go and be done with it. he told me that he hopes i remember this when there's something that i really want to do, because he would never deprive me of an experience like this. he did finally tell his friend he can't go, but now he is barely talking to me, and pretty much only about things related to the kids. i can't even understand why he thought going would be a good idea, but am i the asshole here? [/INST] yta. sounds like you're dictating terms, not discussing them ... no wonder he's barely speaking to you ... what's the point of dialogue with someone whose mind is already made up, about everything. </s>
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AITA for ignoring a really rude customer at work?
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i work at a supermarket. the other day i was manning the self-checkout area, which consists of walking around in circles and helping people with the machines (mostly just clearing error messages that pop up).
usually if i’m at the other end or have my back turned, a customer who needs help will call out “excuse me” or “over here” and i’ll go over and help them out.
but the other day, it was very busy and as i was helping someone else out at the other end, i heard a guy whistle out, like he was calling a dog. i was really taken aback and i just continued to help the person i was with, without turning around or acknowledging it.
a few seconds later, there’s a second, more persistent whistle. i realize that it‘s someone trying to get my attention, but i’m also a bit offended that they think it’s okay to whistle me over like a dog. so i actively choose to ignore them until they use their words.
one more whistle later they actually call out “i have a problem over here!” and i finally go over to help them.
was i the asshole for ignoring them until they addressed me in a way that i thought was more appropriate?
| 767 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/f0a2jb/aita_for_ignoring_a_really_rude_customer_at_work/
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2020-02-07 12:52:44
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nta
in my head this guy looks like captain von trapp.
people don’t answer to whistles. fraulein maria said so.
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nta. i used to work as a server and would ignore people who snapped or whistled at me. it's a weird power play where they are trying to tell you you are below them.
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nta, fuck them for treating you so rudely, especially when you were actively helping another customer. they could have some basic manners, and they'd get helped sooner.
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i had a boyfriend who used to do this. had.
nta
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nta
i do this at work all the time. people choose to treat others with disrespect i choose to have nothing to do with them.
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nta - i always use the self check-outs, and the amount of people who simply don't know how they work still amazes me. the self check-out area is probably hell to watch over!
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nta
people should really learn how to behave with people who work in customer service.
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nta people have voices, they could use them
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nta and good for you. that's totally disrespectful
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nta
nope. what the actual f? you aren’t a dog and people don’t get to behave that way. i wouldn’t have helped at all after that. whistling at me would have made him permanently invisible, like for the rest of his life.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i work at a supermarket. the other day i was manning the self-checkout area, which consists of walking around in circles and helping people with the machines (mostly just clearing error messages that pop up). usually if i’m at the other end or have my back turned, a customer who needs help will call out “excuse me” or “over here” and i’ll go over and help them out. but the other day, it was very busy and as i was helping someone else out at the other end, i heard a guy whistle out, like he was calling a dog. i was really taken aback and i just continued to help the person i was with, without turning around or acknowledging it. a few seconds later, there’s a second, more persistent whistle. i realize that it‘s someone trying to get my attention, but i’m also a bit offended that they think it’s okay to whistle me over like a dog. so i actively choose to ignore them until they use their words. one more whistle later they actually call out “i have a problem over here!” and i finally go over to help them. was i the asshole for ignoring them until they addressed me in a way that i thought was more appropriate?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i work at a supermarket. the other day i was manning the self-checkout area, which consists of walking around in circles and helping people with the machines (mostly just clearing error messages that pop up). usually if i’m at the other end or have my back turned, a customer who needs help will call out “excuse me” or “over here” and i’ll go over and help them out. but the other day, it was very busy and as i was helping someone else out at the other end, i heard a guy whistle out, like he was calling a dog. i was really taken aback and i just continued to help the person i was with, without turning around or acknowledging it. a few seconds later, there’s a second, more persistent whistle. i realize that it‘s someone trying to get my attention, but i’m also a bit offended that they think it’s okay to whistle me over like a dog. so i actively choose to ignore them until they use their words. one more whistle later they actually call out “i have a problem over here!” and i finally go over to help them. was i the asshole for ignoring them until they addressed me in a way that i thought was more appropriate? [/INST] nta in my head this guy looks like captain von trapp. people don’t answer to whistles. fraulein maria said so. </s>
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AITA for telling my in-laws that it was disrespectful to leave half used toiletries as a “gift” for our hotel room cleaner?
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had a family holiday and stayed at a hotel for 2 weeks, at the end of our stay we still had some half used toiletries left and didn’t want to take them back home with us since we were running short for space in our luggage.
the in-laws wanted to leave the half used toiletries like soap, shampoo, conditioner, and unfinished packets of makeup wipes, facial tissues etc. in a little hamper basket with a card to say thanks for cleaning up the room during our stay.
i totally understand where they’re coming from about not wanting to waste stuff and they thought it was a good gesture but i just don’t think it’s right to dress it all up like that when they’re half used and unwanted.
i don’t know if it makes sense to you but to me, it seems like they’re valuing the cleaner below themselves, like, you wouldn’t gift half used toiletries to your family or friends so why would you do it to a cleaner? wouldn’t it have been better to just leave them there instead? it almost seems like they have to make it nice because they think that’s all the cleaner can afford or something, i would be insulted if i was the cleaner :(
the only reason why they’re “gifting” it is because it’s unwanted, and if we had none left then they wouldn’t have bothered leaving new gifts anyway.
i told them i don’t have a problem with them leaving the stuff but maybe they shouldn’t have put it in a hamper and added a card, also to me it felt like they assumed that said cleaner can’t afford their own toiletries just because they are a cleaner.
if the cleaners wanted to take the stuff then they could have done so if we just left it neatly arranged by the sink or something, we left food in the fridge freezer like an unopened packet of ham that we didn’t eat and a soft taco kit on the counter.
obviously i wasn’t going to throw away the basket and card because they paid for it all and made it look nice so we left it where it was and went on our way, but told them i did disagree with the way they went about it and how the cleaner could be offended.
i have since apologised as i felt a little bad about shutting them down straight away when they probably put some thought into it. but i still stand my my original opinion.
my point in short it that i think it’s disrespectful to “gift” half used toiletries to a cleaner because you wouldn’t do the same for friends or family and the cleaner might be insulted if they’re being given them because (1) they’re unwanted and (2) just because they clean hotel rooms doesn’t mean they can’t afford their own toiletries
i feel as if i haven’t worded my thoughts very well but i just want to know if anyone gets where i’m coming from or aita?
edit; i did leave a tip in the jar at the front desk when checking out so i don’t know if it will be split or what but i did contribute too
| 699 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cw2f6f/aita_for_telling_my_inlaws_that_it_was/
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2019-08-27 10:16:38
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nta
packaging your half-used shampoo bottles as a 'gift' is really weird and condescending. just leave them behind, and i suppose they can then be taken if someone would like that.
there's nothing wrong with leaving a gift, there's nothing wrong with leaving behind half-used toiletries - but they are definitely not the same thing.
whilst their intentions are good, it's still condescending and i think that you were right to voice concern. but also, you were right to not overrule them.
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nta. i think that's really tacky to put it all in a hamper like they are being generous by leaving a "gift" of the stuff they have left behind.
they should have just left it on the side, i'm sure the cleaners would keep what they wanted (if they wanted it).
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nta. i worked as a housekeeper for several months last year, i would have thought this was very condescending, especially presenting it as a gift. you either properly make a gift to say thanks or you just don’t. either is fine, but presenting non wanted, half finished products as gift is really crappy.
furthermore, using half used products can be really gross, the same way you don’t want to finish half a pizza left by guest in the fridge.
you are right op.
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nah.
having worked in hospitality, cleaners (at least, in developing countries; not sure where this happened) love getting leftover toiletries and things. however, presenting them in a little basket with a card is kind of like rolling a turd in glitter and then presenting that as a gift.
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nta - i think you make your point clear (maybe rambled a little) and i agree with your arguments - you don't dress up what you're essentially leavings as trash as a gift. you leave it and if someone is interested, they can have it. otherwise, it is a little demeaning.
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nta. this is tacky and gross. leave a cash tip to thank the cleaner.
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nta and this baffles me. i could not imagine giving my half used shit that i didn't want to drag along as a gift. not only is it insulting but i find that to be gross. most places it is the rule to throw away anything like that left behind as it is. it's wild to me that people are saying yta. trust me, you're not. next time even 2 bucks with a thank you means more than used toiletries. omg lol.
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nta i'm speechless.
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nta- how hygienic is partially used toiletries? this was tacky and insulting. these people have serious issues to not see how this isn’t a ‘gift’ in the slightest.
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nta.
i'm actually a cleaner for a similar sort of place. it's nice that they wanted to leave the stuff there, but putting it all in a basket like a "gift" is really, really weird. half-used leftovers isn't a gift. dressing it all up like that comes across like they think it's some great gift for us "poor people" to get their leftovers. as if they think the cleaners can't afford that stuff for themselves. personally, i wouldn't feel too insulted by it, but i'd definitely be very weirded out if someone did that.
we get people leave half empty bottles of stuff all the time. or unopened packets that guests didn't want to take. most of the staff where i work are happy to take certain stuff and use it. usually only if it hasn't been opened though, or something that's still good even after opening. most things that are already open get thrown out for sanitary reasons, but some of our staff are braver than others when it comes to trusting what we find. we mainly take stuff to stop it from going to waste, but also because there's no reason not to, and it's nice when we find things we can use. and it's also nice when people leave "thank you" notes. we keep those pinned to the wall in our staff room. it's nice. the best thing for them to do would have been to just leave the stuff on the counter, so the cleaners could decide whether to take it or throw it away. and if they wanted to add a card, they could have left that on a table or something. putting it all in a gift basket is condescending.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0.000375 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: had a family holiday and stayed at a hotel for 2 weeks, at the end of our stay we still had some half used toiletries left and didn’t want to take them back home with us since we were running short for space in our luggage. the in-laws wanted to leave the half used toiletries like soap, shampoo, conditioner, and unfinished packets of makeup wipes, facial tissues etc. in a little hamper basket with a card to say thanks for cleaning up the room during our stay. i totally understand where they’re coming from about not wanting to waste stuff and they thought it was a good gesture but i just don’t think it’s right to dress it all up like that when they’re half used and unwanted. i don’t know if it makes sense to you but to me, it seems like they’re valuing the cleaner below themselves, like, you wouldn’t gift half used toiletries to your family or friends so why would you do it to a cleaner? wouldn’t it have been better to just leave them there instead? it almost seems like they have to make it nice because they think that’s all the cleaner can afford or something, i would be insulted if i was the cleaner :( the only reason why they’re “gifting” it is because it’s unwanted, and if we had none left then they wouldn’t have bothered leaving new gifts anyway. i told them i don’t have a problem with them leaving the stuff but maybe they shouldn’t have put it in a hamper and added a card, also to me it felt like they assumed that said cleaner can’t afford their own toiletries just because they are a cleaner. if the cleaners wanted to take the stuff then they could have done so if we just left it neatly arranged by the sink or something, we left food in the fridge freezer like an unopened packet of ham that we didn’t eat and a soft taco kit on the counter. obviously i wasn’t going to throw away the basket and card because they paid for it all and made it look nice so we left it where it was and went on our way, but told them i did disagree with the way they went about it and how the cleaner could be offended. i have since apologised as i felt a little bad about shutting them down straight away when they probably put some thought into it. but i still stand my my original opinion. my point in short it that i think it’s disrespectful to “gift” half used toiletries to a cleaner because you wouldn’t do the same for friends or family and the cleaner might be insulted if they’re being given them because (1) they’re unwanted and (2) just because they clean hotel rooms doesn’t mean they can’t afford their own toiletries i feel as if i haven’t worded my thoughts very well but i just want to know if anyone gets where i’m coming from or aita? edit; i did leave a tip in the jar at the front desk when checking out so i don’t know if it will be split or what but i did contribute too
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
had a family holiday and stayed at a hotel for 2 weeks, at the end of our stay we still had some half used toiletries left and didn’t want to take them back home with us since we were running short for space in our luggage. the in-laws wanted to leave the half used toiletries like soap, shampoo, conditioner, and unfinished packets of makeup wipes, facial tissues etc. in a little hamper basket with a card to say thanks for cleaning up the room during our stay. i totally understand where they’re coming from about not wanting to waste stuff and they thought it was a good gesture but i just don’t think it’s right to dress it all up like that when they’re half used and unwanted. i don’t know if it makes sense to you but to me, it seems like they’re valuing the cleaner below themselves, like, you wouldn’t gift half used toiletries to your family or friends so why would you do it to a cleaner? wouldn’t it have been better to just leave them there instead? it almost seems like they have to make it nice because they think that’s all the cleaner can afford or something, i would be insulted if i was the cleaner :( the only reason why they’re “gifting” it is because it’s unwanted, and if we had none left then they wouldn’t have bothered leaving new gifts anyway. i told them i don’t have a problem with them leaving the stuff but maybe they shouldn’t have put it in a hamper and added a card, also to me it felt like they assumed that said cleaner can’t afford their own toiletries just because they are a cleaner. if the cleaners wanted to take the stuff then they could have done so if we just left it neatly arranged by the sink or something, we left food in the fridge freezer like an unopened packet of ham that we didn’t eat and a soft taco kit on the counter. obviously i wasn’t going to throw away the basket and card because they paid for it all and made it look nice so we left it where it was and went on our way, but told them i did disagree with the way they went about it and how the cleaner could be offended. i have since apologised as i felt a little bad about shutting them down straight away when they probably put some thought into it. but i still stand my my original opinion. my point in short it that i think it’s disrespectful to “gift” half used toiletries to a cleaner because you wouldn’t do the same for friends or family and the cleaner might be insulted if they’re being given them because (1) they’re unwanted and (2) just because they clean hotel rooms doesn’t mean they can’t afford their own toiletries i feel as if i haven’t worded my thoughts very well but i just want to know if anyone gets where i’m coming from or aita? edit; i did leave a tip in the jar at the front desk when checking out so i don’t know if it will be split or what but i did contribute too [/INST] nta packaging your half-used shampoo bottles as a 'gift' is really weird and condescending. just leave them behind, and i suppose they can then be taken if someone would like that. there's nothing wrong with leaving a gift, there's nothing wrong with leaving behind half-used toiletries - but they are definitely not the same thing. whilst their intentions are good, it's still condescending and i think that you were right to voice concern. but also, you were right to not overrule them. </s>
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AITA for not wanting anything to do with my half sister?
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i(17f), have divorced parents. my mom divorced my dad because he apparently had been cheating for 2 years and he finally fucked up by getting the other women pregnant. when i found out why they divorced i gained resentment towards my dad and the other women.(for some context she did know that my dad was married when he cheated) since they divorced when i was 14 i got to decide who i wanted to stay with, of course i chose my mom. my dad and the other women got married 3 months after the divorce and i guess as an attempt to bond with me they invited me and offered me to be a bridesmaid. i didn’t go because cause i wanted nothing to do with my dad or her.
after the wedding day my dad called giving me an ear full saying that i upset my stepmom. he went on to tell me about how i should be more grateful and nice towards her since she’s carrying my future sibling. i told him that i don’t care if she’s upset because i don’t know her and i don’t want to be nice to a woman who’s carrying the product of an affair. for some reason this must have ticked my dad off more because he went to court to fight for 50/50 custody because he believed that my mom was filling “bad ideas” into my head. unfortunately he won and i had to spend weekends with them.
during these weekends i never talked to him or my stepmom, i just locked myself in my room. my stepmom would constantly attempt to do stuff with like, ask me to go baby shopping with her, ask me to go to doctors appointments with her and my dad, and even ask to go for a girls day with me. whenever she did this i never responded, i just talked past her. after having spilt custody for 2 months my father gave up because my stepmom came to him crying about how she “can’t believe that i hate her this much”, and he gave me the option to stay with my mom or be nice and do stuff with my stepmom because all the stress i was putting on her could cause her to miscarriage. i went back to live with my mom but time to time, once or twice a month i would go with my stepmom and dad.
a few months later my stepmom gave birth to my new “sister” and named her juliette, she named her this because she thought it would be cute for both of us to have names that start with a j. i went extremely low contact with my dad and my stepmom until this year when my dad called me out of the blue saying that he thinks that i should finally meet juliette. i asked him why and he explained that juliette has seen photos of me when i was young in their house and has been asking who i am because of how similar i looked to my dad(me and my dad are basically clones of each other, red hair, hazel eyes, hollow face etc). my dad didn’t lie to her and told her that i was her sister and now he wants me to meet her because she won’t stop asking about me. i told him no because i can only see juliette as an affair baby and not my “little sister”. he called me heartless and selfish then hung up.
so aita??
| 4,608 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u7t0xq/aita_for_not_wanting_anything_to_do_with_my_half/
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2022-04-20 10:03:54
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nta. your dad went to court to *force* you to have a relationship with his mistress. the 50/50 wasn’t an attempt to repair his relationship with *you*, but to create a relationship with the person that broke up your family.
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nta
its not your responsibility to have a relationship with someone, even a younger half sibling, just to make others happy.
it sucks for her but i'm guessing when she gets older she'll find out why. she's innocent in this but so were you when your dad decided to dip his dick elsewhere.
life ain't all sunshine and daisies and your dad can't have everyone playing happy families after his actions.
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nta
i agree that juliette is innocent in all this. but actually so are you.
just because juliette is asking questions and wants to meet you doesn’t make you obligated to meet her.
i’m not sure why juliette’s feelings would override yours.
you have a choice. and you can go peacefully throughout your life without meeting juliette. if that’s what you choose. as long as you are able to go peacefully.
regardless of whether you decide to meet juliette, some counselling might help you work through your anger and hurt - which are valid feelings but not great if they consume.
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nta. your parents divorced because your father had an affair and his affair partner became pregnant. your father and his now-wife don’t acknowledge the ridiculousness of demanding that you feign approval of their relationship.
your father’s refusal to accept responsibility for having damaged your relationship is…astounding.
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when juliette is older she can make the decision to contact you and not be used by her parents to bridge the gap as assuage their guilt.
in the meantime you need to heal from their betrayal. their betrayal. of both you and your mom. you are nta for wanting nothing to do with either of them.
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nta.
you don't have to live with other people's mistakes. you didn't ask for your entire life to be imploded by a selfish man who chose to throw his family away for the thrill of an illicit affair, nor did you ask for him to marry his affair partner or have a baby with her. that's all on him.
you have the right to go low or no contact just for that betrayal alone. the people saying he betrayed your mother and not you are forgetting, his selfish decisions robbed you of an intact family and cause untold misery for you personally. he doesn't deserve a free pass for that.
the child he made with his affair partner might be innocent but why are her feelings so much more important than yours? her feelings are not your responsibility. he created the affair baby, so it's on him to deal with the mess he made all by himself.
he's got some nerve to call a 17-year-old heartless and selfish. if anyone is selfish and heartless, it's the man who betrayed his marital vow and ended up estranged from his young daughter.
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nta. none of this is juliette’s fault and sure, she might grow up missing a “big sister”, but who’s telling her about this big sister? who is telling her what she’s missing? your father. he’s the one controlling the information juliette has. sounds like your father is trying to use juliette as a bargaining chip to get you to resume contact with him and your stepmother. you don’t owe any of them anything.
that said, you do owe yourself a chance to make peace with this mess for your own sake. a messy painful divorce and then immediate remarrying is difficult as hell and i hope you’ve got some support or therapy to give you the best chance to get through it
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kind of a hard call but nta. your father and stepmother have been pressuring you to accept and normalize their relationship, including their past cheating, and now they are roping their child into it. it’s unfortunate and it’s not her fault, and it will hurt her, but that’s on them, not you, and you are not obligated to play their games just because they are using the child as a pawn.
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nta. you have no obligation to entertain the desires of your father’s daughter.
i always wanted to know my maternal grandfather but since he and my mother had no relationship, i didn’t.
it’s not your problem frankly. your dad had his cake and now he wants to eat it too by having his daughters and current wife all get along quietly.
sorry pops, you invite more women into your life you invite their emotions, issues, and noise too.
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nta if he calls you "heartless" just snap back with "oh you mean like how stepmom is heartless as well cuz she knowingly spread her legs for a married man! great than i guess we have one thing in common! i hope you enjoy your life because once i'm 18 i never want to see you again, that means you aren't coming to my graduation, wedding, and you'll never meet any kids i have your dead to me, as long as your married to her. the only way i'd even consider even talking to you again is if you divorce her or cheat on her to show her how it feels because a leopard can't change their spots, and imagine howd you feel if either if juliette got cheated on are you going going want a relationship with the man who broke her heart? because she is nothing but a heartless whore who ruined my life and i'll never forgive her or you, how you hurt your oldest child like this why did you cheat?"
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i(17f), have divorced parents. my mom divorced my dad because he apparently had been cheating for 2 years and he finally fucked up by getting the other women pregnant. when i found out why they divorced i gained resentment towards my dad and the other women.(for some context she did know that my dad was married when he cheated) since they divorced when i was 14 i got to decide who i wanted to stay with, of course i chose my mom. my dad and the other women got married 3 months after the divorce and i guess as an attempt to bond with me they invited me and offered me to be a bridesmaid. i didn’t go because cause i wanted nothing to do with my dad or her. after the wedding day my dad called giving me an ear full saying that i upset my stepmom. he went on to tell me about how i should be more grateful and nice towards her since she’s carrying my future sibling. i told him that i don’t care if she’s upset because i don’t know her and i don’t want to be nice to a woman who’s carrying the product of an affair. for some reason this must have ticked my dad off more because he went to court to fight for 50/50 custody because he believed that my mom was filling “bad ideas” into my head. unfortunately he won and i had to spend weekends with them. during these weekends i never talked to him or my stepmom, i just locked myself in my room. my stepmom would constantly attempt to do stuff with like, ask me to go baby shopping with her, ask me to go to doctors appointments with her and my dad, and even ask to go for a girls day with me. whenever she did this i never responded, i just talked past her. after having spilt custody for 2 months my father gave up because my stepmom came to him crying about how she “can’t believe that i hate her this much”, and he gave me the option to stay with my mom or be nice and do stuff with my stepmom because all the stress i was putting on her could cause her to miscarriage. i went back to live with my mom but time to time, once or twice a month i would go with my stepmom and dad. a few months later my stepmom gave birth to my new “sister” and named her juliette, she named her this because she thought it would be cute for both of us to have names that start with a j. i went extremely low contact with my dad and my stepmom until this year when my dad called me out of the blue saying that he thinks that i should finally meet juliette. i asked him why and he explained that juliette has seen photos of me when i was young in their house and has been asking who i am because of how similar i looked to my dad(me and my dad are basically clones of each other, red hair, hazel eyes, hollow face etc). my dad didn’t lie to her and told her that i was her sister and now he wants me to meet her because she won’t stop asking about me. i told him no because i can only see juliette as an affair baby and not my “little sister”. he called me heartless and selfish then hung up. so aita??
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i(17f), have divorced parents. my mom divorced my dad because he apparently had been cheating for 2 years and he finally fucked up by getting the other women pregnant. when i found out why they divorced i gained resentment towards my dad and the other women.(for some context she did know that my dad was married when he cheated) since they divorced when i was 14 i got to decide who i wanted to stay with, of course i chose my mom. my dad and the other women got married 3 months after the divorce and i guess as an attempt to bond with me they invited me and offered me to be a bridesmaid. i didn’t go because cause i wanted nothing to do with my dad or her. after the wedding day my dad called giving me an ear full saying that i upset my stepmom. he went on to tell me about how i should be more grateful and nice towards her since she’s carrying my future sibling. i told him that i don’t care if she’s upset because i don’t know her and i don’t want to be nice to a woman who’s carrying the product of an affair. for some reason this must have ticked my dad off more because he went to court to fight for 50/50 custody because he believed that my mom was filling “bad ideas” into my head. unfortunately he won and i had to spend weekends with them. during these weekends i never talked to him or my stepmom, i just locked myself in my room. my stepmom would constantly attempt to do stuff with like, ask me to go baby shopping with her, ask me to go to doctors appointments with her and my dad, and even ask to go for a girls day with me. whenever she did this i never responded, i just talked past her. after having spilt custody for 2 months my father gave up because my stepmom came to him crying about how she “can’t believe that i hate her this much”, and he gave me the option to stay with my mom or be nice and do stuff with my stepmom because all the stress i was putting on her could cause her to miscarriage. i went back to live with my mom but time to time, once or twice a month i would go with my stepmom and dad. a few months later my stepmom gave birth to my new “sister” and named her juliette, she named her this because she thought it would be cute for both of us to have names that start with a j. i went extremely low contact with my dad and my stepmom until this year when my dad called me out of the blue saying that he thinks that i should finally meet juliette. i asked him why and he explained that juliette has seen photos of me when i was young in their house and has been asking who i am because of how similar i looked to my dad(me and my dad are basically clones of each other, red hair, hazel eyes, hollow face etc). my dad didn’t lie to her and told her that i was her sister and now he wants me to meet her because she won’t stop asking about me. i told him no because i can only see juliette as an affair baby and not my “little sister”. he called me heartless and selfish then hung up. so aita?? [/INST] nta. your dad went to court to *force* you to have a relationship with his mistress. the 50/50 wasn’t an attempt to repair his relationship with *you*, but to create a relationship with the person that broke up your family. </s>
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AITA for calling my grandma out on her threat to not come to my wedding?
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my grandma (dads mum) is a cow. worse than that is a manipulate wench. she hates my mum for some reason and my little sister. however she loves me and my cousin (dad's brother kid). i am getting married and i have a policy of 'no ring no bring' to limit numbers and avoid a situation where i don't know who is in the pics at my wedding. a month before my wedding my grandma calls me and demands j allow my cousin gf (of four months who i have never met) to attend the wedding. i say no and she says she won't attend.... i said fine but now my dad is upset his mother isn't coming.... aita?
| 344 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/f5zqn8/aita_for_calling_my_grandma_out_on_her_threat_to/
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2020-02-18 22:06:27
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nta - she tried to flex and got shut down. get wrecked gram gram
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nta. if she’s going to pull that kind of ultimatum, she needs to live with it.
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nta. your wedding, your party. grandma will almost definitely be there. it's a shame she has to do this and upset your dad, but again, your wedding, your choice.
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nta. your grandma picked a stupid hill to die on. if you cave you're just enabling her behavior. you can tell your dad that grandma is the one deciding not to come.
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nta your wedding, you decide who comes. ultimately weddings can get expensive and an extra plate isn’t necessarily something to scoff at.
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tell your dad he should be upset with his mom, since she is choosing not to come.
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nta your wedding.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null | null | null | 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my grandma (dads mum) is a cow. worse than that is a manipulate wench. she hates my mum for some reason and my little sister. however she loves me and my cousin (dad's brother kid). i am getting married and i have a policy of 'no ring no bring' to limit numbers and avoid a situation where i don't know who is in the pics at my wedding. a month before my wedding my grandma calls me and demands j allow my cousin gf (of four months who i have never met) to attend the wedding. i say no and she says she won't attend.... i said fine but now my dad is upset his mother isn't coming.... aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
my grandma (dads mum) is a cow. worse than that is a manipulate wench. she hates my mum for some reason and my little sister. however she loves me and my cousin (dad's brother kid). i am getting married and i have a policy of 'no ring no bring' to limit numbers and avoid a situation where i don't know who is in the pics at my wedding. a month before my wedding my grandma calls me and demands j allow my cousin gf (of four months who i have never met) to attend the wedding. i say no and she says she won't attend.... i said fine but now my dad is upset his mother isn't coming.... aita? [/INST] nta - she tried to flex and got shut down. get wrecked gram gram </s>
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AITA for shouting 'I need to take an enormous shit!" on my sister's Zoom?
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a little bit of context: i (19m) and my sister (22f) are still living with our parents because of the pandemic. my sister does zoom meetings with her coworkers and boss. on to the story.
i went on a grocery store run when i started to feel nature's fury building up in my guts, so i finished shopping and drove home in a desperate haze. every muscle clenching the dam shut, i sprinted to the bathroom to unleash hurricane brown. in my rush, i tripped over the power cord of my sister's computer. she was sitting at her computer. she had mentioned earlier that she was going to be doing a zoom call, but i completely forgot in my all-encompassing need to use the toilet.
"are you ok?" she asked. "i need to take an enormous shit!" i responded, and laughter erupted from her computer. i made it to the bathroom, and after i was finished, i came out to realize my sister was definitely on a zoom call. not really sure what to do, i awkwardly went to my room.
she came up later and told me i'd embarrassed her and made her look unprofessional. i apologized and told her i didn't realize she was on a call, but she insisted that she'd told me earlier she had a call and besides, it's common courtesy to not shout about needing to take a shit. my parents and i think it's not a big deal, but my sister is annoyed at me and making the occasional rude remark.
why i might be ta: she had told me she was on a call, and i embarrassed her. i probably could've done more to apologize and maybe it's a bigger deal than i realize and i shouldn't think she's being petty.
aita?
edit and
| 364 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/n95les/aita_for_shouting_i_need_to_take_an_enormous_shit/
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2021-05-10 14:17:57
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yta - you're a grown-ass adult. you don't need to be charging around mommy's house yelling "i gotta poopy!!!" like a toddler.
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yeah, yta. your sister is trying to establish herself professionally and you embarrassed her. also, you are old enough to know that no one wants to hear about your bowel movements, and there is no need to announce them.
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yta if this story is even real. you're a grown ass person, you don't need to announce you needing to take a shit, let alone an enormous shit. also, you know she does zoom meetings, so you almost seem like you were embarrassing her on purpose.
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yta big time
and you know why. don't be an ass.
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yta. there’s no reason for you to announce to anyone that you need to take an enormous shit. “gotta get to the bathroom” is the most you could have possibly needed to say. you’re an adult now, it’s time to start acting like one.
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yta. we've had a year of working like this and it's not acceptable to do this to her.
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a literal shitpost
yta.
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mild yta - she warned you in advance that she would be on the phone call with the intent of preventing something like what ended up happening.
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yta. no one needs that precise a reason.
people have been consistently zooming for over a year, and she was on her computer, you knew.
but it seems like you just like talking about poop, hopefully you’ll grow out of it.
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nah
you forgot your sister was on a call and had urgent needs to attend, there was no malicious intent just giving an honest answer. in the great scheme of things, it's not a big deal. this sort of thing will happen to folks all over the world with so many working from home. you must have seen some of the clips of people being interviewed on news programs and having silly stuff happen in the background. no-one really cares.
that said, i totally get your sister being embarrassed. remember, she's a young woman starting out on her career. many young women feel under extra pressure at work because we still live in a patriarchal society, so anything that looks remotely unprofessional is potentially a big deal for them.
i would suggest you apologise profusely, accept that you have embarrassed and upset her, make it clear you realise that and you're sorry. then, without using it to invalidate her feelings, gently suggest that hopefully if anyone thinks anything of it they'll just think she has an idiot for a brother, and nothing bad about her.
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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NAH
| 0.010125 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: a little bit of context: i (19m) and my sister (22f) are still living with our parents because of the pandemic. my sister does zoom meetings with her coworkers and boss. on to the story. i went on a grocery store run when i started to feel nature's fury building up in my guts, so i finished shopping and drove home in a desperate haze. every muscle clenching the dam shut, i sprinted to the bathroom to unleash hurricane brown. in my rush, i tripped over the power cord of my sister's computer. she was sitting at her computer. she had mentioned earlier that she was going to be doing a zoom call, but i completely forgot in my all-encompassing need to use the toilet. "are you ok?" she asked. "i need to take an enormous shit!" i responded, and laughter erupted from her computer. i made it to the bathroom, and after i was finished, i came out to realize my sister was definitely on a zoom call. not really sure what to do, i awkwardly went to my room. she came up later and told me i'd embarrassed her and made her look unprofessional. i apologized and told her i didn't realize she was on a call, but she insisted that she'd told me earlier she had a call and besides, it's common courtesy to not shout about needing to take a shit. my parents and i think it's not a big deal, but my sister is annoyed at me and making the occasional rude remark. why i might be ta: she had told me she was on a call, and i embarrassed her. i probably could've done more to apologize and maybe it's a bigger deal than i realize and i shouldn't think she's being petty. aita? edit and
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
a little bit of context: i (19m) and my sister (22f) are still living with our parents because of the pandemic. my sister does zoom meetings with her coworkers and boss. on to the story. i went on a grocery store run when i started to feel nature's fury building up in my guts, so i finished shopping and drove home in a desperate haze. every muscle clenching the dam shut, i sprinted to the bathroom to unleash hurricane brown. in my rush, i tripped over the power cord of my sister's computer. she was sitting at her computer. she had mentioned earlier that she was going to be doing a zoom call, but i completely forgot in my all-encompassing need to use the toilet. "are you ok?" she asked. "i need to take an enormous shit!" i responded, and laughter erupted from her computer. i made it to the bathroom, and after i was finished, i came out to realize my sister was definitely on a zoom call. not really sure what to do, i awkwardly went to my room. she came up later and told me i'd embarrassed her and made her look unprofessional. i apologized and told her i didn't realize she was on a call, but she insisted that she'd told me earlier she had a call and besides, it's common courtesy to not shout about needing to take a shit. my parents and i think it's not a big deal, but my sister is annoyed at me and making the occasional rude remark. why i might be ta: she had told me she was on a call, and i embarrassed her. i probably could've done more to apologize and maybe it's a bigger deal than i realize and i shouldn't think she's being petty. aita? edit and [/INST] yta - you're a grown-ass adult. you don't need to be charging around mommy's house yelling "i gotta poopy!!!" like a toddler. </s>
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AITA for refusing to wear a bra at home?
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i (17f) got into an argument with my mother because she wants me to wear a bra at home, but i refused because i simply don't want that hassle.
most of the time when i'm at home i am braless, because i just find it uncomfortable, and it's just my mom, dad, and sister whom i live with. i'm pretty sure a majority of women around their house without bras, and it's not like i'm just flashing everybody or going to see people other than my family without one on. if people come over, or i'm working out, or i'm in public, i always wear a bra. i just don't want to have to wear one when i'm minding my own business and doing nothing that requires a bra. i also don't have that many bras and i don't want to keep having to wash them every day if i don't need to.
my mom keeps complaining that it's unhealthy. apparently since i'm growing, my chest will become injured and i will get back pain as i'm older because i don't wear a bra for 16 hours straight (she's okay if i don't wear one when i'm sleeping). i'd understand this if i had a large chest or something but i'm like a b cup at most and i don't think sitting at a desk and doing homework without a bra on is going to give me back problems.
she says that my younger sister does it without complaints, so i should be able to as well. she also said that i am not old enough to make this decision for myself, even though i'm going to literally be an adult next year. my father and my sister are on her side though and say that she's only looking out for me, so i'm not sure anymore. aita?
| 2,164 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tusdco/aita_for_refusing_to_wear_a_bra_at_home/
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2022-04-02 20:27:34
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nta. i'm old, a dd cup, and i don't wear a bra at home. in fact, since the pandemic started, i haven't worn a bra much at all, just a camisole or tank top under my shirts and sweaters. you will not become "injured" from not wearing a bra - women didn't start wearing them at all until 1889.
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nta there is absolutely nothing unhealthy about not wearing a bra all day at home. you are not going to injure your back or your boobs. wearing a bra is a personal choice.
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nta. although i will say i don’t think most women wash their bra after each wear, i wash mine like twice a month. unless you’re super active or something.
but yeah. not wearing a bra will not impact your back or breast health whatsoever. your mom is wrong.
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lmao your mom is making shit up nta
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nta
its actually bad for you to wear a bra all the time as it constricts your rib cage. as a woman with latger breast you are good. but maybe go get some comfy sports bras just to shut your mother up for the next year. but in the end its your body your choice
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nta. this is ridiculous. there is nothing unhealthy about this. if you are a b cup, yu are not going to get injured or have back pain. your mother is just being controlling. your body, your rules.
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i can't get past an entire family discussing a 17yo's underwear. tell your mom you're going to agree, if she gets a note from a reputable doctor. nta.
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your moms wrong. there are a lot of studies showing how being bra-less more often is actually quite beneficial to the betterness of the ta-ta's!
nta. tell your mom shes not a doctor and as long as your not inappropriate around people your fine.
she's making up the back pain excuse to hide the fact her and her generation are uncomfortable with... gasp.. nipples!
i only say that because my mom and women in her gen in my family, are all super adamant about never showing nip. ever! even going as far as bra inserts. man, it was hot an exhausting. now i live 1200 miles from their chaos and enjoy being free in my own home! good luck op!
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nta- wearing a bra can cause back pain. going braless wont cause anything to happen.
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nta. you wouldn't be ta even if you had double f cups. you're fine
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (17f) got into an argument with my mother because she wants me to wear a bra at home, but i refused because i simply don't want that hassle. most of the time when i'm at home i am braless, because i just find it uncomfortable, and it's just my mom, dad, and sister whom i live with. i'm pretty sure a majority of women around their house without bras, and it's not like i'm just flashing everybody or going to see people other than my family without one on. if people come over, or i'm working out, or i'm in public, i always wear a bra. i just don't want to have to wear one when i'm minding my own business and doing nothing that requires a bra. i also don't have that many bras and i don't want to keep having to wash them every day if i don't need to. my mom keeps complaining that it's unhealthy. apparently since i'm growing, my chest will become injured and i will get back pain as i'm older because i don't wear a bra for 16 hours straight (she's okay if i don't wear one when i'm sleeping). i'd understand this if i had a large chest or something but i'm like a b cup at most and i don't think sitting at a desk and doing homework without a bra on is going to give me back problems. she says that my younger sister does it without complaints, so i should be able to as well. she also said that i am not old enough to make this decision for myself, even though i'm going to literally be an adult next year. my father and my sister are on her side though and say that she's only looking out for me, so i'm not sure anymore. aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i (17f) got into an argument with my mother because she wants me to wear a bra at home, but i refused because i simply don't want that hassle. most of the time when i'm at home i am braless, because i just find it uncomfortable, and it's just my mom, dad, and sister whom i live with. i'm pretty sure a majority of women around their house without bras, and it's not like i'm just flashing everybody or going to see people other than my family without one on. if people come over, or i'm working out, or i'm in public, i always wear a bra. i just don't want to have to wear one when i'm minding my own business and doing nothing that requires a bra. i also don't have that many bras and i don't want to keep having to wash them every day if i don't need to. my mom keeps complaining that it's unhealthy. apparently since i'm growing, my chest will become injured and i will get back pain as i'm older because i don't wear a bra for 16 hours straight (she's okay if i don't wear one when i'm sleeping). i'd understand this if i had a large chest or something but i'm like a b cup at most and i don't think sitting at a desk and doing homework without a bra on is going to give me back problems. she says that my younger sister does it without complaints, so i should be able to as well. she also said that i am not old enough to make this decision for myself, even though i'm going to literally be an adult next year. my father and my sister are on her side though and say that she's only looking out for me, so i'm not sure anymore. aita? [/INST] nta. i'm old, a dd cup, and i don't wear a bra at home. in fact, since the pandemic started, i haven't worn a bra much at all, just a camisole or tank top under my shirts and sweaters. you will not become "injured" from not wearing a bra - women didn't start wearing them at all until 1889. </s>
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AITA for not inviting ex-SIL?
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bil (husband's brother) and sil's divorce (we'll call them jim and kate) was finalized about six months ago. it was not a good or happy divorce (and one initiated by kate), but it is done. jim and kate are civil with each other because they have three children together (2 are adults, one is finishing hs). when they were married, i was cordial with kate. i liked her well enough and the fact that she lived two states away and i saw her only 1-2 times her year made it much easier to be cordial. though i've known her for almost 20 years, i would not consider us “close” in any way. we are very different people.
otoh, my mil is still pretty close with kate and they live in the same town. they see each other for lunch, take some classes (yoga, art) together, visit with one another. that's great, but as far as i'm concerned, kate is no longer part of my and my husband's life now that the divorce is finalized. she also put jim through a lot and we just don't really want to have any continued relationship with her.
so, we will be having a small birthday party for my younger son (within covid guidelines) in late november. i contacted everyone to let them know the date and to see if the could come. when i called mil, she said “oh, while you're on the phone, let me give you kate's new contact information so you can get a hold of her.” i said, “mil, i know you and kate are still close, but now that the divorce is finalized, i don't really consider her part of my circle anymore. we weren't close to start with and now that she's no longer married to jim, there's really no connection for me. i don't plan to invite her to the party or to any other of our family functions.” mil was silent for a few seconds, but then just changed the subject and we continued our conversation (mil isn't really a confrontational person).
now, in reality, kate is only close with mil at this point as far as my husband's family goes. my husband never liked her, i could take or leave her, fil despised her. at this point, i feel their kids (aged 24,22 and 18) are old enough where it's not necessary to have kate at these functions. my kids don't really know her all that well as jim and kate never lived close to us and they've only probably seen kate about 8-10 times in their entire lives.
aita for excluding kate?
| 737 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jieam3/aita_for_not_inviting_exsil/
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2020-10-26 13:13:34
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nta. she's not part of your family anymore. no reason you should invite her. also it would be unfair on jim to have her attend family events when the divorce wasn't amicable.
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nta.
reasons to invite kate:
* your mil wants her there.
reasons not to invite kate:
* nobody else does
* with covid going on, the fewer people at a gathering, the better
sorry mil but the wants of the many outweigh the wants of the few.
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nta. your communication sounded clear and direct without accusation about your mil choosing to remain friends with her. hope your son has a good, safe, birthday.
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nta
your husband's mother is ta for putting you on the spot and trying to get you to invite a person *she* wants to your home. she is ta for trying to inflict a nasty ex on the family. she knows the ex is unliked and unwanted. this is passive aggressive hostility towards her son.
don't invite her. don't discuss it with mil. if she tries to bring it up, "i'm afraid that won't be possible" is a stock answer you can repeat as necessary. and if you *do* have to repeat it, then you are "too busy" to talk and get off the phone. every single time.
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nta at all. it’s fine for mil to be friends with her that’s her own business, but regardless of whether or not you want to invite her to things you are hosting, why on earth is mil encouraging her to be invited when she knows it’s likely to be unpleasant for her son. you said they are cordial for the kids but that doesn’t mean he will be happy about still having her at events and things.
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nta
she is not part of family anymore and you are not even close with her.
she is friend of your mil's ,not yours
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nta. honestly, kate will probably be relieved to not have to be part of kids' birthday parties, anymore
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nta and i love how you so clearly and kindly communicated your thoughts and your boundaries.
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nta. you can invite whoever you want. you’re not close, she’s no longer married into the family. you’re under no obligation to have her there...in fact, it would probably be pretty awkward for some family members if she did come.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null | 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: bil (husband's brother) and sil's divorce (we'll call them jim and kate) was finalized about six months ago. it was not a good or happy divorce (and one initiated by kate), but it is done. jim and kate are civil with each other because they have three children together (2 are adults, one is finishing hs). when they were married, i was cordial with kate. i liked her well enough and the fact that she lived two states away and i saw her only 1-2 times her year made it much easier to be cordial. though i've known her for almost 20 years, i would not consider us “close” in any way. we are very different people. otoh, my mil is still pretty close with kate and they live in the same town. they see each other for lunch, take some classes (yoga, art) together, visit with one another. that's great, but as far as i'm concerned, kate is no longer part of my and my husband's life now that the divorce is finalized. she also put jim through a lot and we just don't really want to have any continued relationship with her. so, we will be having a small birthday party for my younger son (within covid guidelines) in late november. i contacted everyone to let them know the date and to see if the could come. when i called mil, she said “oh, while you're on the phone, let me give you kate's new contact information so you can get a hold of her.” i said, “mil, i know you and kate are still close, but now that the divorce is finalized, i don't really consider her part of my circle anymore. we weren't close to start with and now that she's no longer married to jim, there's really no connection for me. i don't plan to invite her to the party or to any other of our family functions.” mil was silent for a few seconds, but then just changed the subject and we continued our conversation (mil isn't really a confrontational person). now, in reality, kate is only close with mil at this point as far as my husband's family goes. my husband never liked her, i could take or leave her, fil despised her. at this point, i feel their kids (aged 24,22 and 18) are old enough where it's not necessary to have kate at these functions. my kids don't really know her all that well as jim and kate never lived close to us and they've only probably seen kate about 8-10 times in their entire lives. aita for excluding kate?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
bil (husband's brother) and sil's divorce (we'll call them jim and kate) was finalized about six months ago. it was not a good or happy divorce (and one initiated by kate), but it is done. jim and kate are civil with each other because they have three children together (2 are adults, one is finishing hs). when they were married, i was cordial with kate. i liked her well enough and the fact that she lived two states away and i saw her only 1-2 times her year made it much easier to be cordial. though i've known her for almost 20 years, i would not consider us “close” in any way. we are very different people. otoh, my mil is still pretty close with kate and they live in the same town. they see each other for lunch, take some classes (yoga, art) together, visit with one another. that's great, but as far as i'm concerned, kate is no longer part of my and my husband's life now that the divorce is finalized. she also put jim through a lot and we just don't really want to have any continued relationship with her. so, we will be having a small birthday party for my younger son (within covid guidelines) in late november. i contacted everyone to let them know the date and to see if the could come. when i called mil, she said “oh, while you're on the phone, let me give you kate's new contact information so you can get a hold of her.” i said, “mil, i know you and kate are still close, but now that the divorce is finalized, i don't really consider her part of my circle anymore. we weren't close to start with and now that she's no longer married to jim, there's really no connection for me. i don't plan to invite her to the party or to any other of our family functions.” mil was silent for a few seconds, but then just changed the subject and we continued our conversation (mil isn't really a confrontational person). now, in reality, kate is only close with mil at this point as far as my husband's family goes. my husband never liked her, i could take or leave her, fil despised her. at this point, i feel their kids (aged 24,22 and 18) are old enough where it's not necessary to have kate at these functions. my kids don't really know her all that well as jim and kate never lived close to us and they've only probably seen kate about 8-10 times in their entire lives. aita for excluding kate? [/INST] nta. she's not part of your family anymore. no reason you should invite her. also it would be unfair on jim to have her attend family events when the divorce wasn't amicable. </s>
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AITA for talking back to family members after they keep rubbing it in my face the fact that I got pregnant early and a single mom?
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i live in a country where extended families living under one roof is common. my daughter (3f) and i(23f) are currently living with my grandmother, an uncle, and aunt (with husband and 2kids). the reason why i haven't moved out yet is because of my grandmother. i have a high-paying stable job and can move out anytime but my uncle (the eldest who's paying for the bills as well) pleaded for me to stay with my grandmother. she's 89 and i take care of her as well.
yesterday, i got into a fight with my aunt because i confronted her about them not buying fruits for their mother (i can do it myself but because i have a sickly daughter, i won't risk going out) my grandmother receives a monthly stipend from the government and my aunt "manages the finances". i don't touch even a single cent of that stipend. i buy my own groceries but also includes my grandmother. i pay for the electricity of the entire household and sometimes the water bill. i also give weekly allowances to my aunt's 2 teenage kids.
my uncle, my aunt and her husband ganged up on me and said a lot of hurtful things about me in front of my daughter. they kept on rubbing it in my face that i got pregnant at 19 and a single mom at that. i got so fed up that i told them **"at least i didn't ask other people to pay for my family's needs."** i added after that, **"i can move out here anytime and won't worry about where to get food and where to get money to pay the bills. i don't know if i can say the same thing about you all"** i never asked them for help financially and worked hard to where i am now. my statement resulted in another round of shouting and them constantly telling me how rude i was.
i grabbed my daughter away from them and locked ourselves in my room. since i'm paying for the internet bill, out of anger, i changed the password and they haven't connected since then. i feel like i was too harsh when i said those words to them. aita?
| 9,311 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/fxr50q/aita_for_talking_back_to_family_members_after/
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2020-04-09 11:57:26
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nta and id move out, maybe take grandma if you want to but leave the rest to fend on their own.
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so, you got pregnant early (but not earth-shatteringly so) and did well for yourself and your daughter. you're taking care of your grandmother and paying for lots of stuff for the entire extended family.
considering all of that, you may have been slightly harsh but **very** understandably so. you might want to tell them in no uncertain terms that you won't take their bullshit anymore.
nta, of course.
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nta. you should not be giving your aunt's teenagers an allowance. that is her responsibility.
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nta. you carry the household only retaliate, never instigate. and considering your only retaliation is limiting their access to something you pay for, definitely definitely nta.
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nta, if you are the primary provider for your grandmother then you should have access to the stipend. if your aunt is using it for herself she is most likely committing fraud.
regardless, if you move out then the stipend should cover her costs anyways. it seems like your aunt and uncle are using you as a bank and nanny.
if you’re scared for your grandmothers care maybe look into moving out with her, or possibly evicting your aunt and uncle (not sure if they’re on the paperwork of anything).
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nta
i come from that type of culture, and i'm latina so don't apologize because ppl like your family will take it as a weakness, let them know that you won't tolerate disrespectful words or actions towards you or your daughter. also, they're being parasitic and taking advantage of you. they need you, but you don't need them, so use that as a leverage, whether they like it or not, tell them that no matter what they have no right to mistreat you or disrespect you. set rules, abide by them, they refuse/don't follow, then move. when a person depends upon someone's finances in order to live they better treat the person with respect. you deserve respect and kindness and consideration, so does your daughter. what you described is pretty typical in dominican 🇩🇴 culture, so stop it, no culture or family is worth the disrespect. you got pregnant at 19, and had a kid, not ideal, but you have a job, a good one, you're responsible, hard working, you're a good person, intelligent, kind, sweet, you help your family, so if i were your friend or family i would be proud of you.
much love and respect, and blessings of love, health, and joy :)
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they're using your gm to get free stuff from you. free internet and whatever bills you pay, from what i gather you pay for it all apart from your groceries. take your grandmother, your child and gtfo there. if they pull you out onto the side in front of your own child to scold at you for no reason, it just shows you should've moved out ages ago.
but don't leave your grandma with people who won't look after her.
nta
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you need to move out. nta.
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nta. i would move out with your grandma and get away from this toxic situation. also, why the hell are you giving your aunts children allowance?! you’re letting them walk all over you and take advantage of you monetarily and if you did stay there, you should make it clear that they have to be financially responsible for their kid
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nta.
i am half-asian - i can understand this type of culture and lived in this growing up. you are going to get a very "westernized" viewpoint here on reddit/this sub - *all very valid but easier said than done* \- that you should up and leave the family, they're abusing/gaslighting you, you need to stand up to them, cut ties, stop giving them money, get a lawyer, etc... but i know that because of the strong family ties in the culture, it's not going to be easy. it's a traditional mindset where you're supposed to take care of (extended) family and support them no matter what. since you have historically given so many things (internet, allowance, etc), it will be difficult for you to take them back. elders in the culture always think they have a right to your money and will tell you you're being rude/disrespectful and that is just how things are. it's a terrible cycle of "crab" mentality.
you are nta for what you did - they deserved it! based on what you've posted, i know you're going to have a hard time moving out and taking your grandma with you also will be complicated. i know you feel the "obligation" to contribute and to give back - that's part of the culture and mentality that will be hard to get away from.
if you're going to continue living with them, you need to slowly but surely establish "new" boundaries and have hard conversations. let your aunt and uncle know explicitly and specifically that you are only going to be paying for this, this, and this. nothing more. if you want to give your cousins an allowance, do so. pay for your grandma's grocery, do so. pay some rent? pay part of the utilities? sure. but don't pay for anything else. you need to work on your confidence and stand your ground on decisions so they start "respecting" you and knowing they can't bully or push you over anymore because everyone knows how much they actually rely on you. start there and then make the boundaries bigger and work your way to eventually moving out. if it gives you peace of mind and supports your inclination to help them, you can still commit to giving your cousins allowance and get your grandma food - you can still help and provide some support, you just don't need to live with them in that toxic environment.
(edited for a typo!)
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i live in a country where extended families living under one roof is common. my daughter (3f) and i(23f) are currently living with my grandmother, an uncle, and aunt (with husband and 2kids). the reason why i haven't moved out yet is because of my grandmother. i have a high-paying stable job and can move out anytime but my uncle (the eldest who's paying for the bills as well) pleaded for me to stay with my grandmother. she's 89 and i take care of her as well. yesterday, i got into a fight with my aunt because i confronted her about them not buying fruits for their mother (i can do it myself but because i have a sickly daughter, i won't risk going out) my grandmother receives a monthly stipend from the government and my aunt "manages the finances". i don't touch even a single cent of that stipend. i buy my own groceries but also includes my grandmother. i pay for the electricity of the entire household and sometimes the water bill. i also give weekly allowances to my aunt's 2 teenage kids. my uncle, my aunt and her husband ganged up on me and said a lot of hurtful things about me in front of my daughter. they kept on rubbing it in my face that i got pregnant at 19 and a single mom at that. i got so fed up that i told them **"at least i didn't ask other people to pay for my family's needs."** i added after that, **"i can move out here anytime and won't worry about where to get food and where to get money to pay the bills. i don't know if i can say the same thing about you all"** i never asked them for help financially and worked hard to where i am now. my statement resulted in another round of shouting and them constantly telling me how rude i was. i grabbed my daughter away from them and locked ourselves in my room. since i'm paying for the internet bill, out of anger, i changed the password and they haven't connected since then. i feel like i was too harsh when i said those words to them. aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i live in a country where extended families living under one roof is common. my daughter (3f) and i(23f) are currently living with my grandmother, an uncle, and aunt (with husband and 2kids). the reason why i haven't moved out yet is because of my grandmother. i have a high-paying stable job and can move out anytime but my uncle (the eldest who's paying for the bills as well) pleaded for me to stay with my grandmother. she's 89 and i take care of her as well. yesterday, i got into a fight with my aunt because i confronted her about them not buying fruits for their mother (i can do it myself but because i have a sickly daughter, i won't risk going out) my grandmother receives a monthly stipend from the government and my aunt "manages the finances". i don't touch even a single cent of that stipend. i buy my own groceries but also includes my grandmother. i pay for the electricity of the entire household and sometimes the water bill. i also give weekly allowances to my aunt's 2 teenage kids. my uncle, my aunt and her husband ganged up on me and said a lot of hurtful things about me in front of my daughter. they kept on rubbing it in my face that i got pregnant at 19 and a single mom at that. i got so fed up that i told them **"at least i didn't ask other people to pay for my family's needs."** i added after that, **"i can move out here anytime and won't worry about where to get food and where to get money to pay the bills. i don't know if i can say the same thing about you all"** i never asked them for help financially and worked hard to where i am now. my statement resulted in another round of shouting and them constantly telling me how rude i was. i grabbed my daughter away from them and locked ourselves in my room. since i'm paying for the internet bill, out of anger, i changed the password and they haven't connected since then. i feel like i was too harsh when i said those words to them. aita? [/INST] nta and id move out, maybe take grandma if you want to but leave the rest to fend on their own. </s>
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AITA for letting my sons do something special for me on Mother’s Day?
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i’m a young, single father of two boys (from two different woman if that’s relevant). my older (elementary school age) son decided that since it’s on me i work twice as hard at being a parent. he wanted to honour me today for all i do, so i let him, he picked out a cookie cake for me, made me a card with his brother and help make breakfast with me this morning.
i posted a picture of what they did for me on facebook. i was surprised at the amount of negative messages i got from people about my post. several people told me that it was rude to make this day about me when i already have father’s day to celebrate.
am i the asshole for letting my kids do something special for me today?
| 507 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gh9ghj/aita_for_letting_my_sons_do_something_special_for/
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2020-05-10 20:58:27
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nta. nothing wrong with your kids wanting to support you. if they don’t have a mom to support today, it’s much healthier to support you than sit around bereft all day.
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nta! i wouldn't post it on facebook next time, but you absolutely do the work of 2 parents and it is sweet of them to do something for you. i can see why someone might feel iffy, because it's mother's day, but i can't imagine why anyone would call you out on it.
edited from: inf0: are their mothers still in their lives?
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nta.
haters gonna hate.
i'm the child of a single father, and you bet he got a mother's day card and present every year from me. he did twice the work, he gets twice the credit.
people always want to be salty when thinking something belongs exclusively to them- being a parent with a partner is already a full time job. you're doing both jobs on your own.
happy mother's day!
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nta at all. my sister and i used to do similar on father’s day for our single mom.
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nta. who criticizes kids for choosing to honor a parent on a holiday for honoring parents? your sex doesn't matter, the focus should be on your sons' touching expressions of gratitude.
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nta i can not understand why people would want to ruin a lovely thing that your sons chose to do for you. they sound like wonderful kids.
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nta - mother's day is about celebrating the people who love and raise us. your sons wanted to honour you and you should be proud of that. it means you are doing an amazing job. you really need to cut those haters out of your life. you didn't make the day about you, your children did and that is absolutely adorable.
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nta
that is adorable! i’m glad you have two loving sons, who have such a great father.
cheers to all of you.
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nta -
my daughter, i'm 48f for ref., wished me happy father's day last year and with a wonderful message (first time) as she got older and decided to do it herself. was a surprise and i cried everytime i read it and showed all my friends.
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nta what thing to be judgemental about. you're a single father with kids that want to honor you today. just shows how random facebook can be.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i’m a young, single father of two boys (from two different woman if that’s relevant). my older (elementary school age) son decided that since it’s on me i work twice as hard at being a parent. he wanted to honour me today for all i do, so i let him, he picked out a cookie cake for me, made me a card with his brother and help make breakfast with me this morning. i posted a picture of what they did for me on facebook. i was surprised at the amount of negative messages i got from people about my post. several people told me that it was rude to make this day about me when i already have father’s day to celebrate. am i the asshole for letting my kids do something special for me today?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i’m a young, single father of two boys (from two different woman if that’s relevant). my older (elementary school age) son decided that since it’s on me i work twice as hard at being a parent. he wanted to honour me today for all i do, so i let him, he picked out a cookie cake for me, made me a card with his brother and help make breakfast with me this morning. i posted a picture of what they did for me on facebook. i was surprised at the amount of negative messages i got from people about my post. several people told me that it was rude to make this day about me when i already have father’s day to celebrate. am i the asshole for letting my kids do something special for me today? [/INST] nta. nothing wrong with your kids wanting to support you. if they don’t have a mom to support today, it’s much healthier to support you than sit around bereft all day. </s>
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AITA for telling my mom she should feel like a bad mom because she is one?
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i’m just gonna to add here i’m going to talk about periods so if that’s bothersome i’d suggest you not read.
i (f18) have 3 siblings (17m, 15f, 14f). my mom has never been involved in our lives she was around sometimes and when my dad passed 5 years ago, she was almost unbothered and continued to live her life. a year later, she married an old friend of my dad’s.
together, they went on all sorts of trips, made plans with just them, & my siblings and i were at my grandparents house almost everyday. the *few* times my mom cared to be around us was when she wanted to take family pictures to post online.
because of my mom being absent my sisters relied on me to teach them about their periods and i gave them “the talk” as well. i’ve been discussed those things nearly 2-3 years ago and did my best to explain everything i knew at 16 and it seemed to have done the job.
since quarantine, my mom has been forced to stay at home and she pouted about it the first few months. around july last year, she found out my youngest sister was having periods and she got annoyed she wasn’t the first to know. (my sister has been having them for over two years)
lately, my mom has been trying to talk to my sisters and offer them “motherly advice” as she calls it. she’s had no success but still pushes it almost daily. last night my sister was having a really off day and went to bed earlier than normal. my mom kept bothering her and telling her it was too early to sleep (it was 9pm) and my sister blew up at her and told her to basically piss off.
she came downstairs where my brother and i were at and she started going on how she blamed my dad for making us choose him as the favorite parent and if it weren’t for him she’d have a better relationship with us. that much ticked me off cause she chose to live some child free lifestyle rather than be around us. she kept going how she missed so many milestones in our lives like my sisters getting their first period or my brother getting his first gf.
not once did she try to acknowledge she was the main reason she missed those things. here’s where i feel like an asshole, i blew up at her, completely lost it. i told her she needed not to blame my dead dad and if she wanted to know the real reason she missed out, she should look in the mirror. she started crying and said i’m making her look like a bad mother. i ended it with she should feel like a bad mother because she is one. ive since felt awful for what i said and i think i might’ve been too hard on her. aita?
~~~
| 9,239 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/llvb5i/aita_for_telling_my_mom_she_should_feel_like_a/
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2021-02-17 14:10:31
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nta, you didn't make her look like a bad mother she did.
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nta. you were harsh, but it sounds true. she didn’t know one of her daughters had already had her periods for *2 years*. if she really wants to take steps to repair relationships, the first step is to apologize, the second is to take steps to change, and the third is likely therapy. she’d also have to understand that simply saying you’re a family again doesn’t mean everything is fixed.
sorry for everything you’ve gone through. sounds like you’ve been a stellar big sister though
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nta.
your mother seems to have confused you and your siblings with dolls, and thought that she could basically ignore you for years and that you'd still be waiting in the toybox when she decided that she wanted to play with you again.
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nta. your “mother” doesn’t even deserve the title. you and your grandparents have had to fill the void because she wanted to live without the “burden” of her own children. her tears are not your fault or your problem- just because someone cries, doesn’t make them a victim. i’m sorry you didn’t get the mother you deserve.
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nta you told her the truth, she is an absent mother, of course she’s a bad mother. don’t feel bad for telling her that.
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nta. yes, you blew up, but it was fully understandable. you lost your father and your mother abandoned you rather than be there for you when you needed her to be. you had to take on very adult responsibilities very young when it came to your siblings because your mother wasn't doing it. you've been bearing the weight of her selfishness and neglect for years. so to have her come to you complaining about the effects of her own choices without acknowledging that they are her fault and without acknowledging that you have been suffering because of her choices for years would be enough to make anyone snap.
and you're not wrong. she's a bad mother. plenty of parents who miss milestones with their kids because of things like illness or having to work a ton to keep food on the table would kill to be able to have those moments. she could have, and by all means *should* have, and she made the choice to throw them away out of pure selfishness.
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nta. your mother neglected you and believed her own social media hype about you being a happy family. she doesn’t get to have a relationship with you that’s meaningful unless she takes a hard look at herself and changes.
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nta. your words were hard but deserved. she has a moral and legal obligation to take care of you all as you are minors and she didn't really care about that.
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nta
truth hurts.
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nta - your mother wouldn't even know any of this happened if it wasn't for being forced to stay home because of covid. you said nothing wrong. she sounds like a really selfish person, and i'm so sorry you've been neglected all these years.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i’m just gonna to add here i’m going to talk about periods so if that’s bothersome i’d suggest you not read. i (f18) have 3 siblings (17m, 15f, 14f). my mom has never been involved in our lives she was around sometimes and when my dad passed 5 years ago, she was almost unbothered and continued to live her life. a year later, she married an old friend of my dad’s. together, they went on all sorts of trips, made plans with just them, & my siblings and i were at my grandparents house almost everyday. the *few* times my mom cared to be around us was when she wanted to take family pictures to post online. because of my mom being absent my sisters relied on me to teach them about their periods and i gave them “the talk” as well. i’ve been discussed those things nearly 2-3 years ago and did my best to explain everything i knew at 16 and it seemed to have done the job. since quarantine, my mom has been forced to stay at home and she pouted about it the first few months. around july last year, she found out my youngest sister was having periods and she got annoyed she wasn’t the first to know. (my sister has been having them for over two years) lately, my mom has been trying to talk to my sisters and offer them “motherly advice” as she calls it. she’s had no success but still pushes it almost daily. last night my sister was having a really off day and went to bed earlier than normal. my mom kept bothering her and telling her it was too early to sleep (it was 9pm) and my sister blew up at her and told her to basically piss off. she came downstairs where my brother and i were at and she started going on how she blamed my dad for making us choose him as the favorite parent and if it weren’t for him she’d have a better relationship with us. that much ticked me off cause she chose to live some child free lifestyle rather than be around us. she kept going how she missed so many milestones in our lives like my sisters getting their first period or my brother getting his first gf. not once did she try to acknowledge she was the main reason she missed those things. here’s where i feel like an asshole, i blew up at her, completely lost it. i told her she needed not to blame my dead dad and if she wanted to know the real reason she missed out, she should look in the mirror. she started crying and said i’m making her look like a bad mother. i ended it with she should feel like a bad mother because she is one. ive since felt awful for what i said and i think i might’ve been too hard on her. aita? ~~~
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i’m just gonna to add here i’m going to talk about periods so if that’s bothersome i’d suggest you not read. i (f18) have 3 siblings (17m, 15f, 14f). my mom has never been involved in our lives she was around sometimes and when my dad passed 5 years ago, she was almost unbothered and continued to live her life. a year later, she married an old friend of my dad’s. together, they went on all sorts of trips, made plans with just them, & my siblings and i were at my grandparents house almost everyday. the *few* times my mom cared to be around us was when she wanted to take family pictures to post online. because of my mom being absent my sisters relied on me to teach them about their periods and i gave them “the talk” as well. i’ve been discussed those things nearly 2-3 years ago and did my best to explain everything i knew at 16 and it seemed to have done the job. since quarantine, my mom has been forced to stay at home and she pouted about it the first few months. around july last year, she found out my youngest sister was having periods and she got annoyed she wasn’t the first to know. (my sister has been having them for over two years) lately, my mom has been trying to talk to my sisters and offer them “motherly advice” as she calls it. she’s had no success but still pushes it almost daily. last night my sister was having a really off day and went to bed earlier than normal. my mom kept bothering her and telling her it was too early to sleep (it was 9pm) and my sister blew up at her and told her to basically piss off. she came downstairs where my brother and i were at and she started going on how she blamed my dad for making us choose him as the favorite parent and if it weren’t for him she’d have a better relationship with us. that much ticked me off cause she chose to live some child free lifestyle rather than be around us. she kept going how she missed so many milestones in our lives like my sisters getting their first period or my brother getting his first gf. not once did she try to acknowledge she was the main reason she missed those things. here’s where i feel like an asshole, i blew up at her, completely lost it. i told her she needed not to blame my dead dad and if she wanted to know the real reason she missed out, she should look in the mirror. she started crying and said i’m making her look like a bad mother. i ended it with she should feel like a bad mother because she is one. ive since felt awful for what i said and i think i might’ve been too hard on her. aita? ~~~ [/INST] nta, you didn't make her look like a bad mother she did. </s>
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AITA for not sending my mom my childhood pictures?
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recently one of my brothers sent me a couple of my old childhood pictures which were taken by one of his friends. it obviously brought back a lot of memories and i excitedly showed some of the pictures to my mom who absolutely adored them.
well, the thing is she asked if she could have some of the pictures so she can post them online. while i love those pictures myself, i have to admit that most of them were not the sort i'd want anyone but my family and relatives to see. i was firm on not sending the pictures to her and even offered to create physical copies if it was simply to have something for her album and to remember me by, but she insisted i sent her digital copies and that i am being ridiculous over some pictures which have made me wonder if i am overreacting or is my mother trying a bit too hard?
i truly believe none of us are the assholes, but her insistence has made me very uncomfortable despite my attempts at compromise by offering physical copies. i know she's my mom, but still.
| 147 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/fi1cu6/aita_for_not_sending_my_mom_my_childhood_pictures/
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2020-03-13 15:26:29
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nta, if you don't want images of you shared online you have every right to try to control that. she's ta for insisting.
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nta but she's kinda an asshole, even if not the biggest one in this sub.
i mean, it's your photo, ad you already told her no, the case should already be closed
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nta i'm very careful about what gets published online about my son. he only a year and a half. but i dont want him to be embarrassed or humiliated.
your mom should respect your boundaries.
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nta - your mom needs to learn to take "no" for an answer.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null | null | null | null | null | null | 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: recently one of my brothers sent me a couple of my old childhood pictures which were taken by one of his friends. it obviously brought back a lot of memories and i excitedly showed some of the pictures to my mom who absolutely adored them. well, the thing is she asked if she could have some of the pictures so she can post them online. while i love those pictures myself, i have to admit that most of them were not the sort i'd want anyone but my family and relatives to see. i was firm on not sending the pictures to her and even offered to create physical copies if it was simply to have something for her album and to remember me by, but she insisted i sent her digital copies and that i am being ridiculous over some pictures which have made me wonder if i am overreacting or is my mother trying a bit too hard? i truly believe none of us are the assholes, but her insistence has made me very uncomfortable despite my attempts at compromise by offering physical copies. i know she's my mom, but still.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
recently one of my brothers sent me a couple of my old childhood pictures which were taken by one of his friends. it obviously brought back a lot of memories and i excitedly showed some of the pictures to my mom who absolutely adored them. well, the thing is she asked if she could have some of the pictures so she can post them online. while i love those pictures myself, i have to admit that most of them were not the sort i'd want anyone but my family and relatives to see. i was firm on not sending the pictures to her and even offered to create physical copies if it was simply to have something for her album and to remember me by, but she insisted i sent her digital copies and that i am being ridiculous over some pictures which have made me wonder if i am overreacting or is my mother trying a bit too hard? i truly believe none of us are the assholes, but her insistence has made me very uncomfortable despite my attempts at compromise by offering physical copies. i know she's my mom, but still. [/INST] nta, if you don't want images of you shared online you have every right to try to control that. she's ta for insisting. </s>
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AITA for refusing to give some frat boys a couch?
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six months ago my old roommate dipped without paying his last month of rent and bills. he left two leather couches amongst some other shit that i hereby decided to keep. last night i got a text from one of his frat buddies demanding that i give him one of my couches because “he kinda needs it” and that they weren’t mine to begin with. mans also called me a child in the whole exchange, so i’ve decided to say fuck it and keep the whole lot. aita?
| 659 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/inl5di/aita_for_refusing_to_give_some_frat_boys_a_couch/
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2020-09-06 12:24:34
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nta - tell them that when the roommate pays for the rent he skipped out on because you 'kind of need it', he's free to pick it up whenever he wants.
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nta
he doesn't have any right to demand a free couch.
is it possible the ex-roommate is using the guy to get his couch back without paying rent?
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nta. screw that guy, and at this point, the couches are yours as payment for screwing you the last month. also because he was disrespectful while demanding free stuff from you
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i should also mention that this dude will be my supervisor at the bar that i work at - frat boy dilemmas have layers!
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nta - not you're fault he needs it. you got stiffed, this is payment.
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nta he left it behind for 6 months, his buddies don't get to decide they want it now after you've stored it for 6 months.
i'd be telling them they can have it, if he pays his bills and rent.
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nta. it's abandoned property, you're not a storage unit where he can leave his stuff until he needs it. his loss.
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nta
o hell no!
they left you to deal with the rent and bills, didn't have the decency to take their stuff with them, and now they have decided that they still have use for it!
absolutely not. not only did they stiff you on the money, they figured they could just use you as free storage. storing large furniture costs money.
do check with a local lawyer if you are within your rights legally though.
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nta
i would return it with a dead fish sewn into the cushions.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null | 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: six months ago my old roommate dipped without paying his last month of rent and bills. he left two leather couches amongst some other shit that i hereby decided to keep. last night i got a text from one of his frat buddies demanding that i give him one of my couches because “he kinda needs it” and that they weren’t mine to begin with. mans also called me a child in the whole exchange, so i’ve decided to say fuck it and keep the whole lot. aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
six months ago my old roommate dipped without paying his last month of rent and bills. he left two leather couches amongst some other shit that i hereby decided to keep. last night i got a text from one of his frat buddies demanding that i give him one of my couches because “he kinda needs it” and that they weren’t mine to begin with. mans also called me a child in the whole exchange, so i’ve decided to say fuck it and keep the whole lot. aita? [/INST] nta - tell them that when the roommate pays for the rent he skipped out on because you 'kind of need it', he's free to pick it up whenever he wants. </s>
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AITA for having the same bag as my sister when she’s lost hers?
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me (f19) and my older sister (f21) don’t talk. mainly because i think she’s a nasty person so i simply don’t want to be involved, but also because she’s been attending uni for 3 years and has only just permanently moved back home.
i bought a bag in january. a very popular one, not the designer one everyone is raving about online, but like a cargo utility type bag? when she got back from uni, i saw the same bag on her person. i was like oh i have that and she didn’t pay much attention. we didn’t speak much more for a couple of weeks until she calls me up at work and asks if i’ve seen her bag, she’s lost it and can’t find it. i hadn’t and i told her that, but she asked me the same thing every day because her debit card and id were apparently in it. fair enough to be stressed but freeze the card and go everywhere you’ve been and check lost property. i’d be pissed too but i’m barely home because i stay at my boyfriend’s and always work. i even let go the fact she had our mother go through my bedroom to try and find it because i get the frustration of losing something valuable.
i go into my favourite restaurant today and it turns out she works here. no problem, i start up general chat about how she is, is she looking forward to her festival in a couple of weeks. she then asks to go through my bag to see if it’s hers. i allow it, i just can’t be bothered to beef her when she’s working. she then exclaims it’s hers and now i know, due to our parents’ favouritism, i can’t go home for a couple of weeks. brilliant. but i know this is mine; i have pictures with it and the order reference from months ago.
she’s glaring and stropping and storming around and i’m just trying to eat my food and get out of here because maybe she’s having a bad day, i don’t know but i know working in service is awful sometimes as i do as well, i don’t like her but i’m not gonna make shit harder for her. so aita for having the same bag.
| 2,316 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wwkdl2/aita_for_having_the_same_bag_as_my_sister_when/
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2022-08-24 14:01:33
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nta. don’t get me wrong your sister is a total asshole, but your parents are senior assholes. it’s seems that their favouritism has cause your sister's toxic behaviour. you seriously can’t go home for a few weeks because of this?
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nta for having the same bag. nta for anything really but seriously put your foot down and tell her and your parents off if they start shit about this bag
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this is hilarious. please know you absolutely didn’t do anything wrong! like at all. print out the order information, pictures with the bag, and ask your boyfriend and friends to vouch for you.
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nta - offer to show the receipt/order no. you have from months ago, your bank statement that shows the withdrawal (if you have this. i can go back up to 2 years worth of transactions on my mobile app - not sure if you have something similar), show dated pics, etc. and tell her, in no uncertain terms, that the conversation is over and that you’re not to blame for her irresponsibility/lack of ability to keep track of her own things. preferably, you would show her all of this and tell her to knock it the fuck off in front of your parents so the situation/your words can’t get twisted if there is a favoritism thing going on.
you provided her with proof of ownership even though you weren’t obligated to, allowed her to have your room searched/permitted her to go through your bag, etc. if she wants someone to be pissed at, she can be pissed at herself since she isn’t responsible enough to keep track of her own shit and feels the need to lay the blame on others. she sounds exhausting.
do not leave your bag laying around and do not loan it to her. your bag will “get misplaced” at the exact same time hers magically turns up.
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nta
sure she didn't swap your bags at some earlier point so that she could blame you for stealing it? or, if she actually lost it, so that she had a backup she could "take back" from you?
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nta and over a bag? your sisters terrible
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can't believe no one has asked for a bag tax.
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how would you be ta exactly? this is ridiculous.
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nta. i find it amusing when my twin and i buy the same thing and we are states away. sometimes it’s baffling, like “how did you know?”
| null |
NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null | null |
NTA
| null | 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: me (f19) and my older sister (f21) don’t talk. mainly because i think she’s a nasty person so i simply don’t want to be involved, but also because she’s been attending uni for 3 years and has only just permanently moved back home. i bought a bag in january. a very popular one, not the designer one everyone is raving about online, but like a cargo utility type bag? when she got back from uni, i saw the same bag on her person. i was like oh i have that and she didn’t pay much attention. we didn’t speak much more for a couple of weeks until she calls me up at work and asks if i’ve seen her bag, she’s lost it and can’t find it. i hadn’t and i told her that, but she asked me the same thing every day because her debit card and id were apparently in it. fair enough to be stressed but freeze the card and go everywhere you’ve been and check lost property. i’d be pissed too but i’m barely home because i stay at my boyfriend’s and always work. i even let go the fact she had our mother go through my bedroom to try and find it because i get the frustration of losing something valuable. i go into my favourite restaurant today and it turns out she works here. no problem, i start up general chat about how she is, is she looking forward to her festival in a couple of weeks. she then asks to go through my bag to see if it’s hers. i allow it, i just can’t be bothered to beef her when she’s working. she then exclaims it’s hers and now i know, due to our parents’ favouritism, i can’t go home for a couple of weeks. brilliant. but i know this is mine; i have pictures with it and the order reference from months ago. she’s glaring and stropping and storming around and i’m just trying to eat my food and get out of here because maybe she’s having a bad day, i don’t know but i know working in service is awful sometimes as i do as well, i don’t like her but i’m not gonna make shit harder for her. so aita for having the same bag.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
me (f19) and my older sister (f21) don’t talk. mainly because i think she’s a nasty person so i simply don’t want to be involved, but also because she’s been attending uni for 3 years and has only just permanently moved back home. i bought a bag in january. a very popular one, not the designer one everyone is raving about online, but like a cargo utility type bag? when she got back from uni, i saw the same bag on her person. i was like oh i have that and she didn’t pay much attention. we didn’t speak much more for a couple of weeks until she calls me up at work and asks if i’ve seen her bag, she’s lost it and can’t find it. i hadn’t and i told her that, but she asked me the same thing every day because her debit card and id were apparently in it. fair enough to be stressed but freeze the card and go everywhere you’ve been and check lost property. i’d be pissed too but i’m barely home because i stay at my boyfriend’s and always work. i even let go the fact she had our mother go through my bedroom to try and find it because i get the frustration of losing something valuable. i go into my favourite restaurant today and it turns out she works here. no problem, i start up general chat about how she is, is she looking forward to her festival in a couple of weeks. she then asks to go through my bag to see if it’s hers. i allow it, i just can’t be bothered to beef her when she’s working. she then exclaims it’s hers and now i know, due to our parents’ favouritism, i can’t go home for a couple of weeks. brilliant. but i know this is mine; i have pictures with it and the order reference from months ago. she’s glaring and stropping and storming around and i’m just trying to eat my food and get out of here because maybe she’s having a bad day, i don’t know but i know working in service is awful sometimes as i do as well, i don’t like her but i’m not gonna make shit harder for her. so aita for having the same bag. [/INST] nta. don’t get me wrong your sister is a total asshole, but your parents are senior assholes. it’s seems that their favouritism has cause your sister's toxic behaviour. you seriously can’t go home for a few weeks because of this? </s>
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AITA For refusing to pay the extra amount on the power bill.
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so me and my roommate have been living together for 2 years.
last bill was 30$ more then usual and i paid my half as usual, but i got pretty suspicious as something would of been running the power bill that high.
a few nights ago i woke up at around 2 and found our that my roommate leaves the heater on for most of the night. it's not an energy saver one so that's why we have gotten such a huge power bill.
when i asked her about it i was told that it gets cold at night and she needs to stay warm.
i told her today that i will pay the regular amount but nothing more.
she flipped out on me and told me i had to pay but i'm still refusing.
i will be paying the regular amount just not the extra amount.
i'm 24m and my roommate is 23f
| 208 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cwyhq5/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_the_extra_amount_on_the/
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2019-08-29 09:27:05
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nta its her being wasteful she should pay the extra amount
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nta - tell her to buy a blanket.
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for judgment sake, i guess yta if you didn't talk about it in a conciliatory tone first? depends on how you approached it. $30 a month for a heater is a lot of energy. are you sure it isn't something else in combination?
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of course he has a right to express his displeasure (i think i said that?), but there’s a difference between the bill coming in high, sitting down to chat about changes they can make and coming to an agreement, and out of nowhere mid-month saying “i’m not paying my half of the bill i previously agreed to pay half of. i am arbitrarily assuming the only change in the bill is your heater, and paying only half of what the bill already was before it got cold. i am making this decision unilaterally, and i expect you to abide by it.” anyone who’s ever paid an electric bill knows it goes up in the colder months anyway, so op’s stated solution seems far from fair by assuming roommate bears the only responsibility.
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yta - no way to know that it is 100% the heater. and flipping your shit over $15 is silly.
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info: did you test this theory using a smart meter and turning everything in one at a time to prove it was the heater?
| null | null | null | null |
NTA
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NTA
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YTA
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YTA
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INFO
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so me and my roommate have been living together for 2 years. last bill was 30$ more then usual and i paid my half as usual, but i got pretty suspicious as something would of been running the power bill that high. a few nights ago i woke up at around 2 and found our that my roommate leaves the heater on for most of the night. it's not an energy saver one so that's why we have gotten such a huge power bill. when i asked her about it i was told that it gets cold at night and she needs to stay warm. i told her today that i will pay the regular amount but nothing more. she flipped out on me and told me i had to pay but i'm still refusing. i will be paying the regular amount just not the extra amount. i'm 24m and my roommate is 23f
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
so me and my roommate have been living together for 2 years. last bill was 30$ more then usual and i paid my half as usual, but i got pretty suspicious as something would of been running the power bill that high. a few nights ago i woke up at around 2 and found our that my roommate leaves the heater on for most of the night. it's not an energy saver one so that's why we have gotten such a huge power bill. when i asked her about it i was told that it gets cold at night and she needs to stay warm. i told her today that i will pay the regular amount but nothing more. she flipped out on me and told me i had to pay but i'm still refusing. i will be paying the regular amount just not the extra amount. i'm 24m and my roommate is 23f [/INST] nta its her being wasteful she should pay the extra amount </s>
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AITA for asking my sister to wait to introduce her 11 month old to my newborn
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hi everyone- long post sorry. tldr at the bottom.
my wife and i just celebrated the birth of our daughter last week and have recently brought her home. about a week before her birth, i advised my sister that my wife and i would like to wait a few weeks to introduce our daughter to our 11 months old nephew.
a bit of background - our nephew is constantly sick (ear infections, upper respiratory issues, colds) he goes to daycare so this is expected as they are cesspools. this past wednesday, he was diagnosed with croup, which can be very contagious. we had even asked the midwife at the hospital if it would be wise to wait to introduce the two. the midwife said it’s best practice to wait at least 30 days after a baby is born to introduce them to another baby who had just been sick.
during the conversation we had before her birth, my sister seemed very understanding about waiting to introduce, especially because she knew her son has been sick recently. however, the day of the birth, things changed. she had asked if she could come to the hospital with her son to meet our daughter, exclaiming that he’s not sick because he’d been on antibiotics for a few days. my wife and i stood firm and we said no. my sister tried to guilt trip us, but it didn’t work. my sister was able to find a babysitter and came to visit our daughter the next day and all seemed fine.
fast forward to today. our nephew was diagnosed with croup two days ago, and my sister had planned to get a babysitter so she could come visit us again at home tomorrow. we had everything setup and all seemed great. then, out of nowhere she asked if she could bring her son because her babysitter fell through. she asked this knowing that he still had croup, even though he’s apparently past the incubation period. we stood firm again and said no. queue the guilt tripping. she proceeded to text and text and text me all morning stating that my wife and i were targeting her son and how we had no problem introducing our newborn to other people ( all adults and none are sick). she proceeded to say that the doctor was wrong and how that was the dumbest advice she’s ever heard and that doctors just say things to say them sometimes.
may i also add that we had a conversation with my wife’s side of the family about the same thing in not allowing anyone who was sick to meet her.
tldr; we are parents to a newborn daughter and advised my sister wed like to wait to introduce her to our 11 month nephew who is sick all the time. my sister agreed at first but as soon as it became inconvenient for her she became hostile.
| 349 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/eww0kb/aita_for_asking_my_sister_to_wait_to_introduce/
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2020-01-31 22:17:28
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nta oh my god, do not let a sick person around a newborn baby. the other child will not know one way or another, considering he's 11 months old (it's not like he's old enough to know he's missing out). his mother can find another babysitter or wait for next time.
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nta. at this point, i think you need to tell her that she gets to see the baby when *you* decide you're ready to deal with her, and block her number if she continues to harass you via text. if she attempts to drag in the rest of the family, tell them you're the parents: you decide what you are and aren't comfortable exposing your child to, and if they have an issue with that, they can go on time-out too.
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nta. rsv and similar illnesses can be deadly for newborns. stand your ground and keep your baby safe. an 11 month old meeting a newborn shouldn't be high on anyone's priority list. it's not like they'll remember the meeting or be able to play. at most, the 11 month old will look at the newborn and move on to the next thing that grabs his attention, like a toy.
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um nta. your baby, your rules... and no sane person would ever bring a sick kid around a newborn, minimum one week after they are completely healthy. your sister also sounds like the type of person who would have a fit if these roles were reversed.
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nta. your sister should know better especially with her kid being in childcare. these places usually have illness policies where you can't (or at least aren't supposed to) bring your sick kid into the centre to reduce the risk of spreading illness to the other children. does she think your newborn is magically immune to becoming sick?
good for you for being firm about this.
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nta. especially with it being peak rs virus season, you need to prevent your little one from coming into contact with sick people.
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nta. why is she so insistent? sounds like she missed being the one with the newest baby/center of attention.
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yup it’s a total bummer that you are not allowing the 11 month old potentially contagious child to meet his cousin. this will scar him for life.
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nta your sister is being recklessly selfish by insisting to bring her son. newborn babies are considered an immunocompromised person and any illness that might be "fine" for an older baby can have potentially deadly consequences.
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nta
i wouldn't even allow anyone who lives in the same home as your nephew visit while he's sick.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: hi everyone- long post sorry. tldr at the bottom. my wife and i just celebrated the birth of our daughter last week and have recently brought her home. about a week before her birth, i advised my sister that my wife and i would like to wait a few weeks to introduce our daughter to our 11 months old nephew. a bit of background - our nephew is constantly sick (ear infections, upper respiratory issues, colds) he goes to daycare so this is expected as they are cesspools. this past wednesday, he was diagnosed with croup, which can be very contagious. we had even asked the midwife at the hospital if it would be wise to wait to introduce the two. the midwife said it’s best practice to wait at least 30 days after a baby is born to introduce them to another baby who had just been sick. during the conversation we had before her birth, my sister seemed very understanding about waiting to introduce, especially because she knew her son has been sick recently. however, the day of the birth, things changed. she had asked if she could come to the hospital with her son to meet our daughter, exclaiming that he’s not sick because he’d been on antibiotics for a few days. my wife and i stood firm and we said no. my sister tried to guilt trip us, but it didn’t work. my sister was able to find a babysitter and came to visit our daughter the next day and all seemed fine. fast forward to today. our nephew was diagnosed with croup two days ago, and my sister had planned to get a babysitter so she could come visit us again at home tomorrow. we had everything setup and all seemed great. then, out of nowhere she asked if she could bring her son because her babysitter fell through. she asked this knowing that he still had croup, even though he’s apparently past the incubation period. we stood firm again and said no. queue the guilt tripping. she proceeded to text and text and text me all morning stating that my wife and i were targeting her son and how we had no problem introducing our newborn to other people ( all adults and none are sick). she proceeded to say that the doctor was wrong and how that was the dumbest advice she’s ever heard and that doctors just say things to say them sometimes. may i also add that we had a conversation with my wife’s side of the family about the same thing in not allowing anyone who was sick to meet her. tldr; we are parents to a newborn daughter and advised my sister wed like to wait to introduce her to our 11 month nephew who is sick all the time. my sister agreed at first but as soon as it became inconvenient for her she became hostile.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
hi everyone- long post sorry. tldr at the bottom. my wife and i just celebrated the birth of our daughter last week and have recently brought her home. about a week before her birth, i advised my sister that my wife and i would like to wait a few weeks to introduce our daughter to our 11 months old nephew. a bit of background - our nephew is constantly sick (ear infections, upper respiratory issues, colds) he goes to daycare so this is expected as they are cesspools. this past wednesday, he was diagnosed with croup, which can be very contagious. we had even asked the midwife at the hospital if it would be wise to wait to introduce the two. the midwife said it’s best practice to wait at least 30 days after a baby is born to introduce them to another baby who had just been sick. during the conversation we had before her birth, my sister seemed very understanding about waiting to introduce, especially because she knew her son has been sick recently. however, the day of the birth, things changed. she had asked if she could come to the hospital with her son to meet our daughter, exclaiming that he’s not sick because he’d been on antibiotics for a few days. my wife and i stood firm and we said no. my sister tried to guilt trip us, but it didn’t work. my sister was able to find a babysitter and came to visit our daughter the next day and all seemed fine. fast forward to today. our nephew was diagnosed with croup two days ago, and my sister had planned to get a babysitter so she could come visit us again at home tomorrow. we had everything setup and all seemed great. then, out of nowhere she asked if she could bring her son because her babysitter fell through. she asked this knowing that he still had croup, even though he’s apparently past the incubation period. we stood firm again and said no. queue the guilt tripping. she proceeded to text and text and text me all morning stating that my wife and i were targeting her son and how we had no problem introducing our newborn to other people ( all adults and none are sick). she proceeded to say that the doctor was wrong and how that was the dumbest advice she’s ever heard and that doctors just say things to say them sometimes. may i also add that we had a conversation with my wife’s side of the family about the same thing in not allowing anyone who was sick to meet her. tldr; we are parents to a newborn daughter and advised my sister wed like to wait to introduce her to our 11 month nephew who is sick all the time. my sister agreed at first but as soon as it became inconvenient for her she became hostile. [/INST] nta oh my god, do not let a sick person around a newborn baby. the other child will not know one way or another, considering he's 11 months old (it's not like he's old enough to know he's missing out). his mother can find another babysitter or wait for next time. </s>
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AITA for not allowing my daughter to be friends with my highschool bully's son?
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i have moved a year ago and unfortunately ended up moving not too far away from my highschool bully.
my high school bully made my life a living hell in highschool and i still hate her for that, she was an awful manipulative person who would pretend to be your friend and share all secrets to gain popularity.
my daughter (15) started hanging out with her son (16), they met at the skatepark, my daughter started going to the skate park everyday to see him and even gotten his phone number, my daughter gotten really close to him and ended up inviting him over which was the first time i seen him and something about him seemed fairly familiar about him it was very offsetting to me.
like a little over a week after my daughter and i go to the grocery store together and we happen to see my highschool bully and her son, of course my daughter goes to say hello and i just stand there glaring at her, trying to control my anger.
she ends up recognizing me and greets me by my name and even had the audacity to apologize, i tell her it's a little too late for that and turn towards my daughter and tell her that she can say goodbye to her little friend because that'll be the last time she'll see him.
she looks at me confused and say what do you mean so i explain to her that his mom is a bully and that she doesn't need that kinda influence in her life.
my daughter looks visually upset like she's almost on the verge of tears and asks me for the keys so she can wait in the car.
later on that day my husband who heared from my daughter about what happened tells it's unfair for me to stop our daughter from seeing her new friend just because i have issues with his mom and that he seemed like a nice gentleman.
i told him that i feel as if my concerns of my daughter being around such toxic people are vailed. he replied back telling me it been years since highschool and that i need to get over myself because people change and life moves on
maybe he's right, maybe i shouldn't hold my daughter back from a good friendship just because some issues i have in the past
aita?
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w2iqfs/aita_for_not_allowing_my_daughter_to_be_friends/
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2022-07-19 03:40:27
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yta. do you not remember how valuable a real friend was at 15? the kid hasn't done anything to your daughter. *you* have.
i'm sorry the woman treated you with cruelty. you don't have to see or interact with her at all. let your kid have a friend.
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well, a couple of things here:
1) i’m sorry you were bullied. that’s bullshit and she is wrong for that. however, your daughter and her son have nothing to do with it. they weren’t even alive then. they shouldn’t be punished because of your trauma. are you really worried about your daughter “being around toxic people like that” or being around your high school bully? one is for the protection of your daughter, the other is for the protection of your feelings. i’d think on which one it truly is. also, she is trying to hang out with her son, not her. again, this is about her and the other kid, not the adults here.
2) telling your daughter she can’t see someone (especially someone who has personally done nothing to harm her or her family) is a sure-fire way to make sure she sneaks around behind your back so she can see him. you have to know that.
3) “tell her that she can say goodbye to her little friend because that’ll be the last time she’ll be seeing him.” well, that’s quite humiliating for your daughter (and the other kid), in a public place no less. if anyone were to come across that encounter, the only bully they would see in that situation is you.
yta and you’re going to push your daughter away over your own personal trauma. fix it. and go to therapy please so you can finally heal.
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yta
for a start, they're 15 and 16. it's not like you need to talk to the other parent to set up play dates or whatever. i'm sorry you ran into your high school bully at the supermarket, but you don't need to talk to her.
you're punishing 2 kids for the fact that someone bullied you as a teen. you don't need to forgive her or talk to her, but you need to stop punishing innocent kids for something that they had nothing to do with.
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no one ever changes.
no one ever grows.
no one ever learns from their mistakes.
no one ever feels bad about past behavior.
says the op… probably.
if you are still this hung up on something seek therapy. especially if you are going to control your daughter’s life because of your own past experiences.
teenagers are assholes.
sometimes they don’t even realize they’re assholes at the time. it takes growing and maturing and an “ah ha” moment to realize they made mistakes.
it doesn’t make what this person did to you ok, but come on, it’s not really fair to call them a bully in the present tense after they apologize to you for their behavior as a kid.
their kid is not them.
your child is not you.
don’t be that person.
yta
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yta— it’s fine if you don’t want to associate with your hs bully, but dragging your kids into it is way out of line. your daughter isn’t you and your bully’s son isn’t her.
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yta- it’s time to let it go. you don’t need to buy her mary kay, but your trauma is not your kid’s burden to bear
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yta. op, have you not changed at all since high school? people grow up. let’s say she didn’t change, though. you daughter likes her son enough to want to be friends with him, and that should be worth something. i don’t think it’s fair to judge the boy based on how his mother behaved over a decade ago. also, you likely do not know enough about him to call him toxic. you owe your daughter an apology.
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yta. if the first thing she did upon recognizing you was to apologize, it's entirely possible she's changed for the better. no one is saying you need to associate with her, but as long as you trust your daughter's judgment (and you probably should if you trust your parent skills), then let her be friends with the other kid.
warning her would be fine, but unless there's proof the son's high school trajectory is comparable to the mothers, let the friendship be.
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yta - you're holding the son accountable for their mothers behaviour. if you don't want to see the bully then that's fine and understandable, but let your kid have their friend.
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so you're holding a grudge against a kid who had nothing to do with your bullying? seek therapy.
yta and your daughter will remember this
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i have moved a year ago and unfortunately ended up moving not too far away from my highschool bully. my high school bully made my life a living hell in highschool and i still hate her for that, she was an awful manipulative person who would pretend to be your friend and share all secrets to gain popularity. my daughter (15) started hanging out with her son (16), they met at the skatepark, my daughter started going to the skate park everyday to see him and even gotten his phone number, my daughter gotten really close to him and ended up inviting him over which was the first time i seen him and something about him seemed fairly familiar about him it was very offsetting to me. like a little over a week after my daughter and i go to the grocery store together and we happen to see my highschool bully and her son, of course my daughter goes to say hello and i just stand there glaring at her, trying to control my anger. she ends up recognizing me and greets me by my name and even had the audacity to apologize, i tell her it's a little too late for that and turn towards my daughter and tell her that she can say goodbye to her little friend because that'll be the last time she'll see him. she looks at me confused and say what do you mean so i explain to her that his mom is a bully and that she doesn't need that kinda influence in her life. my daughter looks visually upset like she's almost on the verge of tears and asks me for the keys so she can wait in the car. later on that day my husband who heared from my daughter about what happened tells it's unfair for me to stop our daughter from seeing her new friend just because i have issues with his mom and that he seemed like a nice gentleman. i told him that i feel as if my concerns of my daughter being around such toxic people are vailed. he replied back telling me it been years since highschool and that i need to get over myself because people change and life moves on maybe he's right, maybe i shouldn't hold my daughter back from a good friendship just because some issues i have in the past aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i have moved a year ago and unfortunately ended up moving not too far away from my highschool bully. my high school bully made my life a living hell in highschool and i still hate her for that, she was an awful manipulative person who would pretend to be your friend and share all secrets to gain popularity. my daughter (15) started hanging out with her son (16), they met at the skatepark, my daughter started going to the skate park everyday to see him and even gotten his phone number, my daughter gotten really close to him and ended up inviting him over which was the first time i seen him and something about him seemed fairly familiar about him it was very offsetting to me. like a little over a week after my daughter and i go to the grocery store together and we happen to see my highschool bully and her son, of course my daughter goes to say hello and i just stand there glaring at her, trying to control my anger. she ends up recognizing me and greets me by my name and even had the audacity to apologize, i tell her it's a little too late for that and turn towards my daughter and tell her that she can say goodbye to her little friend because that'll be the last time she'll see him. she looks at me confused and say what do you mean so i explain to her that his mom is a bully and that she doesn't need that kinda influence in her life. my daughter looks visually upset like she's almost on the verge of tears and asks me for the keys so she can wait in the car. later on that day my husband who heared from my daughter about what happened tells it's unfair for me to stop our daughter from seeing her new friend just because i have issues with his mom and that he seemed like a nice gentleman. i told him that i feel as if my concerns of my daughter being around such toxic people are vailed. he replied back telling me it been years since highschool and that i need to get over myself because people change and life moves on maybe he's right, maybe i shouldn't hold my daughter back from a good friendship just because some issues i have in the past aita? [/INST] yta. do you not remember how valuable a real friend was at 15? the kid hasn't done anything to your daughter. *you* have. i'm sorry the woman treated you with cruelty. you don't have to see or interact with her at all. let your kid have a friend. </s>
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AITA For leaving my date at the dance suddenly?
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recently, my college had a dance held in one of the buildings for the students, and i brought my partner with me. things were going well, we had some food and treats, until i saw some of my friends dancing behind us. i decided to ask my partner if they wanted to dance and at first they said sure.
however, when they stood up, they pointed out the fact that i am disabled and said that i can’t dance because of it. i said that i can still dance, it would just require some adjusting and improvising, and that it really was just all in good fun. i suggested some ideas, tried to show them some ways we could dance and emphasized that i really just wanted to have fun. but they just said it was “too cringe” because i can’t dance “normally”.
i told them that this was really important to me - because of me being disabled with a poor immune system i’ve always missed out on events and didn’t have a senior dance in high school because of lack of accessibility- and that i really just wanted one short dance, to just let loose and have some fun. but they repeated that it was “still too cringe and embarrassing” and they “don’t like dancing anyways”. (yet they seemed unopposed to dancing with my friends when asked to)
this made me feel pretty upset and i hate feeling like i’m being excluded from an experience because of my disability, which in this case was the simple act of dancing with my date to the dance. at this point i wasn’t having fun anymore, so i just left.
after changing into pjs in my dorm, i explained to some people who were messaging me why i left, and some said that i shouldn’t have done that and i’m starting to worry that maybe my actions were petty. though i was really hurt by what my partner said and how they acted.
| 245 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xtciew/aita_for_leaving_my_date_at_the_dance_suddenly/
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2022-10-02 01:58:41
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nta at all. i’m so sorry this happened to you, how awful. i do wish you would have gone and joined the group and danced your butt off anyways and had fun without your miserable ‘date’ but i also completely understand why you weren’t in the mood anymore. keep dancing man
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nta. your date was an asshole. i hope you don’t plan on seeing them again.
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nta. your date however? major ah. sorry he was such a jerk. i hope you get to dance sometime in the near future with someone who doesn't have their head in their ass.
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nta. oh honey, as a fellow disabled person, i’m flinching at what your partner said. that was ableist and cruel. i’m wondering what else they think that you aren’t good enough for - this kind of “disability shouldn’t be seen” attitude rarely only affects one area of life. will they also tell you that you shouldn’t go to the beach or the pool, or tell you that adaptive sports are “cringe”? you deserve a partner who is understanding when you can’t participate due to your disability and glad when you can join in, even if you do things a bit different.
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you didn’t leave fast enough or run far enough from someone who would say that.
as they say - dance like no one’s watching. too bad your (ex??) partner is hung up on his insecurities.
nta
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nta. "so she can't dance with me because would be "cringe" for her but i must stay seated seeing everyone dancing even her without me even though it will be "cringe" for me?" yeah, no.
your friends should see both sides. yes, if she didn't want to dance with you she doesn't have to, at the same time if you don't want to be there anymore, you dont have to.
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you-nta
your partner-a big smelly ah
good for you for leaving the dance. your partner is embarrassed by your disability. i think that you should do some more good for yourself and leave your partner.
you want to live your life as you see fit. you want to dance because it makes you happy. your partner should be happy to dance with the person they love and care about in whatever capacity possible.
your partners refusal to dance with you is totally cringe.
how does the saying go...? dance like no one is watching.
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nta, however your date was pretty ableist (if thats the right word) for that comment
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99.9% of the time the person calling things “cringe” wouldn’t know cool if it hit them in the face. you need to dance on out of their life with someone who has an iota of self esteem nta
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nta ! your date treated you with total disrespect, and was completely ableist! they disregarded your feelings and needs so why should you be concerned with theirs?
if i were you i would have told them this date is over and i'll be dancing with my friends now. i probably wouldn't have left but have made it clear that you are leaving the date. it is tough to do that though when you are young and already feeling upset about being left out. next time make sure to put your wants and needs out of an experience before a rude dates experience. this time in your life is for you to get these experiences so don't let people with limited views of your abilities get you down!
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: recently, my college had a dance held in one of the buildings for the students, and i brought my partner with me. things were going well, we had some food and treats, until i saw some of my friends dancing behind us. i decided to ask my partner if they wanted to dance and at first they said sure. however, when they stood up, they pointed out the fact that i am disabled and said that i can’t dance because of it. i said that i can still dance, it would just require some adjusting and improvising, and that it really was just all in good fun. i suggested some ideas, tried to show them some ways we could dance and emphasized that i really just wanted to have fun. but they just said it was “too cringe” because i can’t dance “normally”. i told them that this was really important to me - because of me being disabled with a poor immune system i’ve always missed out on events and didn’t have a senior dance in high school because of lack of accessibility- and that i really just wanted one short dance, to just let loose and have some fun. but they repeated that it was “still too cringe and embarrassing” and they “don’t like dancing anyways”. (yet they seemed unopposed to dancing with my friends when asked to) this made me feel pretty upset and i hate feeling like i’m being excluded from an experience because of my disability, which in this case was the simple act of dancing with my date to the dance. at this point i wasn’t having fun anymore, so i just left. after changing into pjs in my dorm, i explained to some people who were messaging me why i left, and some said that i shouldn’t have done that and i’m starting to worry that maybe my actions were petty. though i was really hurt by what my partner said and how they acted.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
recently, my college had a dance held in one of the buildings for the students, and i brought my partner with me. things were going well, we had some food and treats, until i saw some of my friends dancing behind us. i decided to ask my partner if they wanted to dance and at first they said sure. however, when they stood up, they pointed out the fact that i am disabled and said that i can’t dance because of it. i said that i can still dance, it would just require some adjusting and improvising, and that it really was just all in good fun. i suggested some ideas, tried to show them some ways we could dance and emphasized that i really just wanted to have fun. but they just said it was “too cringe” because i can’t dance “normally”. i told them that this was really important to me - because of me being disabled with a poor immune system i’ve always missed out on events and didn’t have a senior dance in high school because of lack of accessibility- and that i really just wanted one short dance, to just let loose and have some fun. but they repeated that it was “still too cringe and embarrassing” and they “don’t like dancing anyways”. (yet they seemed unopposed to dancing with my friends when asked to) this made me feel pretty upset and i hate feeling like i’m being excluded from an experience because of my disability, which in this case was the simple act of dancing with my date to the dance. at this point i wasn’t having fun anymore, so i just left. after changing into pjs in my dorm, i explained to some people who were messaging me why i left, and some said that i shouldn’t have done that and i’m starting to worry that maybe my actions were petty. though i was really hurt by what my partner said and how they acted. [/INST] nta at all. i’m so sorry this happened to you, how awful. i do wish you would have gone and joined the group and danced your butt off anyways and had fun without your miserable ‘date’ but i also completely understand why you weren’t in the mood anymore. keep dancing man </s>
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AITA for not letting an acquaintance take my car to see his dying mother?
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i attend a big state college and live in a dorm. i share a room with another person (who i will call roommate). there is another room, connected to my room by a shared bathroom, occupied by 2 other people (who i will call bathroom-mates).
we all are civil and friendly with each other and most of the time get along just fine, although my roommate and i don’t often talk to the bathroom-mates unless necessary. it is also important to note that a few months ago, one of the bathroom-mates (who is the “acquaintance” from the title) poked his head into my room to ask something and saw a bottle of vodka sitting on a table. he didn’t say anything of it to me or my roommate at the time but proceeded to tell the residential assistant, causing me and roommate to get caught with the alcohol in our room and get into lots of trouble with the university and the police, as well as pay hundreds of dollars in fines. for this i hold a lot of anger/resentment against him.
last week i am at a friend’s place and pretty drunk when i get a call from the same bathroom-mate. he asks if he can borrow my car to drive to a city 3 hours away. apparently his mother had gotten in a car accident and was in a coma and it was unsure whether she would survive. i told him no and ended the call. these were my reasons. (1) there are long distance shuttle busses that run between our college and this city several times every day. in addition, there are ubers and rental cars available on/near our campus. (2) he went out of the way to make my (and my roommates) lives extremely difficult by telling the ra about the alcohol in our room, something that literally had zero negative impact on his life or his affairs. i don’t see why i should help him out when he actively hinders me. (3) my car is a 100,000$ bmw and i do not trust my close friends (or anyone besides me) to drive it, let alone a person i don’t know too well and dislike/distrust. i also use this car to go to school every day.
so... aita?
| 182 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ef6uo4/aita_for_not_letting_an_acquaintance_take_my_car/
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2019-12-24 20:45:45
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nta
if i had a $100,000 car i wouldn't let anyone i didn't know drive it either.
he could have rented a car, taken a bus or asked someone else for a ride.
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nta - i find it odd that you were the person he called in this situation.
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nta uber exists and you told him that. better $11 than a 100k bmw getting wrecked. you have a say in who drives your car because of your insurance.
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nta. it's your car and your responsibility if anything happens to it **even** if someone else is driving it. don't lend it out if you aren't fully comfortable, no matter the circumstance.
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nta - even if you wanted to lend it to him, your insurance might not cover anyone besides you driving it. most policies that i am aware of have exceptions for family members, but not acquaintances.
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i mean i guess technically nta but honestly this makes you sound pretty petty to me
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this isn’t adding up, although for sure you don’t owe this guy the use of your car.
why do you drive to school when you live in a dorm? why the heck such an expensive car on campus (i had a new car when i was in college, but nowhere near as expensive!) i almost never drove because parking was such a hassle.
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nta i wouldn't let him drive my car if it was $100. if anything were to happen then the insurance would jack your rates up. not to mention having to answer to your parents about what happen. yeah pretty ballys ask for a guy to borrow your $100,000 car that just turned you in to the ra.
| null | null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
| null | null | 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i attend a big state college and live in a dorm. i share a room with another person (who i will call roommate). there is another room, connected to my room by a shared bathroom, occupied by 2 other people (who i will call bathroom-mates). we all are civil and friendly with each other and most of the time get along just fine, although my roommate and i don’t often talk to the bathroom-mates unless necessary. it is also important to note that a few months ago, one of the bathroom-mates (who is the “acquaintance” from the title) poked his head into my room to ask something and saw a bottle of vodka sitting on a table. he didn’t say anything of it to me or my roommate at the time but proceeded to tell the residential assistant, causing me and roommate to get caught with the alcohol in our room and get into lots of trouble with the university and the police, as well as pay hundreds of dollars in fines. for this i hold a lot of anger/resentment against him. last week i am at a friend’s place and pretty drunk when i get a call from the same bathroom-mate. he asks if he can borrow my car to drive to a city 3 hours away. apparently his mother had gotten in a car accident and was in a coma and it was unsure whether she would survive. i told him no and ended the call. these were my reasons. (1) there are long distance shuttle busses that run between our college and this city several times every day. in addition, there are ubers and rental cars available on/near our campus. (2) he went out of the way to make my (and my roommates) lives extremely difficult by telling the ra about the alcohol in our room, something that literally had zero negative impact on his life or his affairs. i don’t see why i should help him out when he actively hinders me. (3) my car is a 100,000$ bmw and i do not trust my close friends (or anyone besides me) to drive it, let alone a person i don’t know too well and dislike/distrust. i also use this car to go to school every day. so... aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i attend a big state college and live in a dorm. i share a room with another person (who i will call roommate). there is another room, connected to my room by a shared bathroom, occupied by 2 other people (who i will call bathroom-mates). we all are civil and friendly with each other and most of the time get along just fine, although my roommate and i don’t often talk to the bathroom-mates unless necessary. it is also important to note that a few months ago, one of the bathroom-mates (who is the “acquaintance” from the title) poked his head into my room to ask something and saw a bottle of vodka sitting on a table. he didn’t say anything of it to me or my roommate at the time but proceeded to tell the residential assistant, causing me and roommate to get caught with the alcohol in our room and get into lots of trouble with the university and the police, as well as pay hundreds of dollars in fines. for this i hold a lot of anger/resentment against him. last week i am at a friend’s place and pretty drunk when i get a call from the same bathroom-mate. he asks if he can borrow my car to drive to a city 3 hours away. apparently his mother had gotten in a car accident and was in a coma and it was unsure whether she would survive. i told him no and ended the call. these were my reasons. (1) there are long distance shuttle busses that run between our college and this city several times every day. in addition, there are ubers and rental cars available on/near our campus. (2) he went out of the way to make my (and my roommates) lives extremely difficult by telling the ra about the alcohol in our room, something that literally had zero negative impact on his life or his affairs. i don’t see why i should help him out when he actively hinders me. (3) my car is a 100,000$ bmw and i do not trust my close friends (or anyone besides me) to drive it, let alone a person i don’t know too well and dislike/distrust. i also use this car to go to school every day. so... aita? [/INST] nta if i had a $100,000 car i wouldn't let anyone i didn't know drive it either. he could have rented a car, taken a bus or asked someone else for a ride. </s>
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AITA for telling a recruiter to go eff themselves?
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i turned up for the agency recruitment ten minutes early. i waited for my appointment. i had done the paperwork side on line, i had been assured all images and docs and info was fine. i just had to do the hse induction and job orientation.
well, firstly there was the disorganised fuck about of them trying to get the slow as fuck assessement software running. half hour later it starts running as a painfully slow process. get it done, go upstairs and get assigned to karen.
i have been told everything is fine and i don't need to bring anything else other than my passport due to online sign up. so she gives me all the sign up forms. i point out that they're already done on the system. she says that i need to fill them out. i point out again that i have been told that everything is fine and the paperwork side is done. she says she needs x form filled in because it's for payroll. i point out that info is already on the system. she gets sharp.
i think i filled two forms in out of 15, a medical tick box and the confirmation to say. in the meantime she tells me my doc pictures aren't good enough. bare in mind i have already been told it's all fine so i haven't brought those with me. so, i say that the pictures will have to wait till i get home, she says she still needs my passport photo. so i give it to her. she says she needs me to do it. i say that if my photography is not good enough she can use the camera app on my phone to take the photo to an acceptable standard. she says it's not using the agency app. i point out that i can take a photo from my phone then upload through the agency app. she says it's not the app. i ask for my passport back. i point out that this is a disorganised wind up and i have had enough. as i am walking out i get a sarcastic enjoy the rest of your day. i just respond with go fuck yourself. the sound of shocked surprise and the laughter of the people waiting was pretty much immediate.
am i the asshole?
[edit]
whoa, nta? wow 😊 thanks guys.
| 341 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w43fww/aita_for_telling_a_recruiter_to_go_eff_themselves/
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2022-07-21 01:24:52
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nta
🤷🏼♀️ these jobs make you jump thru all sorts of hoops and act passive aggressive
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nta.
that laughter indicates she deserved what you said to her. i hope it gets back to her boss.
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nta. i wouldn't have been so nice.
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nta if they are this disorganized from the get go of what should be an easy process, then think about how awful they will be in the future.
i see others saying that all recruiters are like that. sounds like there’s a golden opportunity for someone to start an organized, streamlined recruiting agency.
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nta.
if they're that disorganized, then it's not a good sign if you being paid on time and that sort of thing. best to cut your losses and let people know that sarcastic garbage won't be tolerated.
| null | null | null | null | null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null | null | null | null | null | 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i turned up for the agency recruitment ten minutes early. i waited for my appointment. i had done the paperwork side on line, i had been assured all images and docs and info was fine. i just had to do the hse induction and job orientation. well, firstly there was the disorganised fuck about of them trying to get the slow as fuck assessement software running. half hour later it starts running as a painfully slow process. get it done, go upstairs and get assigned to karen. i have been told everything is fine and i don't need to bring anything else other than my passport due to online sign up. so she gives me all the sign up forms. i point out that they're already done on the system. she says that i need to fill them out. i point out again that i have been told that everything is fine and the paperwork side is done. she says she needs x form filled in because it's for payroll. i point out that info is already on the system. she gets sharp. i think i filled two forms in out of 15, a medical tick box and the confirmation to say. in the meantime she tells me my doc pictures aren't good enough. bare in mind i have already been told it's all fine so i haven't brought those with me. so, i say that the pictures will have to wait till i get home, she says she still needs my passport photo. so i give it to her. she says she needs me to do it. i say that if my photography is not good enough she can use the camera app on my phone to take the photo to an acceptable standard. she says it's not using the agency app. i point out that i can take a photo from my phone then upload through the agency app. she says it's not the app. i ask for my passport back. i point out that this is a disorganised wind up and i have had enough. as i am walking out i get a sarcastic enjoy the rest of your day. i just respond with go fuck yourself. the sound of shocked surprise and the laughter of the people waiting was pretty much immediate. am i the asshole? [edit] whoa, nta? wow 😊 thanks guys.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i turned up for the agency recruitment ten minutes early. i waited for my appointment. i had done the paperwork side on line, i had been assured all images and docs and info was fine. i just had to do the hse induction and job orientation. well, firstly there was the disorganised fuck about of them trying to get the slow as fuck assessement software running. half hour later it starts running as a painfully slow process. get it done, go upstairs and get assigned to karen. i have been told everything is fine and i don't need to bring anything else other than my passport due to online sign up. so she gives me all the sign up forms. i point out that they're already done on the system. she says that i need to fill them out. i point out again that i have been told that everything is fine and the paperwork side is done. she says she needs x form filled in because it's for payroll. i point out that info is already on the system. she gets sharp. i think i filled two forms in out of 15, a medical tick box and the confirmation to say. in the meantime she tells me my doc pictures aren't good enough. bare in mind i have already been told it's all fine so i haven't brought those with me. so, i say that the pictures will have to wait till i get home, she says she still needs my passport photo. so i give it to her. she says she needs me to do it. i say that if my photography is not good enough she can use the camera app on my phone to take the photo to an acceptable standard. she says it's not using the agency app. i point out that i can take a photo from my phone then upload through the agency app. she says it's not the app. i ask for my passport back. i point out that this is a disorganised wind up and i have had enough. as i am walking out i get a sarcastic enjoy the rest of your day. i just respond with go fuck yourself. the sound of shocked surprise and the laughter of the people waiting was pretty much immediate. am i the asshole? [edit] whoa, nta? wow 😊 thanks guys. [/INST] nta 🤷🏼♀️ these jobs make you jump thru all sorts of hoops and act passive aggressive </s>
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WIBTA If I kicked out my roommates on their original move out day?
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for context i’m 21 living with 4 other roommates who have all been my friends since hs. we have been here for a year & agreed that we would potentially live at the property for another year. we agreed that we’d communicate if any of us wanted to move out, that way we can know ahead of time. we were given the option to renew the lease or find individual homes, however we all agreed to stay and renew the lease minus 1 roommate who already moved out.
on july 12, everyone decided they wanted to go their separate ways.
i have a family who lives in apartments, so moving back wasn’t a option. again they informed me this 2 weeks prior to lease ending thus forcing me to look for places on my own. they continued to make comments like “i’ve been looking for a bit so i’ll be gone by next month and if you didn’t search for houses by now it’s irresponsible of you.” me relying on them renewing the lease, i didnt search as we all agreed we’d renew. they did not answer my texts and would simply hide in their rooms when i was home.
i was able to renew the lease on my own since i found ppl to fill each room. however the roommate that moved out prior to this, left an absolute mess and since then had given us a bug infestation. i called him and asked to come clean it as i need to show off property. he said he would do it on his own time when he wanted. to give you an idea on the state of the room, it looks as if someone dumped trash. there was a moldy ketchup bottle, food wrappers and more. there is no furniture in the room, as he has been moved out for 3 months.
he also demanded i give him deposit for his room back even though he has yet to clean it out to begin with. the lease ends the 31st so technically he has time but it’s just trash. when he first moved out, there was a bigger mess and he threw away all of our forks/dishes because he refused to clean them. there is not 1 fork in the house now! he imposes a health risk and violates lease agreement so if i wanted to, i can report to landlord and have him fined $600.
since then all roommates have become hostile now asking and stating they don’t have a place to go until sepetember because that is their move in date. they have turned to me asking if they can stay a month because they have nowhere to go and were expecting their parents to help. in my eyes they didnt communicate about the lease agreement until 2 weeks ago forcing me to find a home and stress over my livelihood. now that i secured the home, (the one they didn’t want to renew the lease at) two of them have asked to stay.
i already have people who signed the lease so i must abide by it and give them the room they paid for . wibta for wanting the previous tenants to move out on their scheduled date, and wibta if i sent pictures to the landlord to show him the mess and hazard the previous tenant left behind?
| 184 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/onncnb/wibta_if_i_kicked_out_my_roommates_on_their/
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2021-07-19 21:11:22
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nta these guys are jerks. did they actually renew the lease or just say they were going to? it sounds like your friends haven’t learned how adulthood works. they need to take responsibility for their actions
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nta
if he doesn't clean charge him.
boot em. they didn't mind leaving you high and dry, highschool friends very rarely last as real life friends specifically because of stuff like this.
i had a large group of "brothers for life" and i want nothing to do with any of them. all i got out of that friendship was a drinking problem and a serious distrust of people in general. takes a long time for me to fully consider someone a friend these days and i'm less forgiving of stuff like this.
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nta. this sounds like an issue for the landlord to resolve since the new lease is between yourself/new tenants and the landlord.
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nta: they said they’re leaving and someone else legally paid for the room and they’re going to be out when they have to
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nta you need better friends. heres to hoping your next roommates are better people
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null | null | null | null | null | 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: for context i’m 21 living with 4 other roommates who have all been my friends since hs. we have been here for a year & agreed that we would potentially live at the property for another year. we agreed that we’d communicate if any of us wanted to move out, that way we can know ahead of time. we were given the option to renew the lease or find individual homes, however we all agreed to stay and renew the lease minus 1 roommate who already moved out. on july 12, everyone decided they wanted to go their separate ways. i have a family who lives in apartments, so moving back wasn’t a option. again they informed me this 2 weeks prior to lease ending thus forcing me to look for places on my own. they continued to make comments like “i’ve been looking for a bit so i’ll be gone by next month and if you didn’t search for houses by now it’s irresponsible of you.” me relying on them renewing the lease, i didnt search as we all agreed we’d renew. they did not answer my texts and would simply hide in their rooms when i was home. i was able to renew the lease on my own since i found ppl to fill each room. however the roommate that moved out prior to this, left an absolute mess and since then had given us a bug infestation. i called him and asked to come clean it as i need to show off property. he said he would do it on his own time when he wanted. to give you an idea on the state of the room, it looks as if someone dumped trash. there was a moldy ketchup bottle, food wrappers and more. there is no furniture in the room, as he has been moved out for 3 months. he also demanded i give him deposit for his room back even though he has yet to clean it out to begin with. the lease ends the 31st so technically he has time but it’s just trash. when he first moved out, there was a bigger mess and he threw away all of our forks/dishes because he refused to clean them. there is not 1 fork in the house now! he imposes a health risk and violates lease agreement so if i wanted to, i can report to landlord and have him fined $600. since then all roommates have become hostile now asking and stating they don’t have a place to go until sepetember because that is their move in date. they have turned to me asking if they can stay a month because they have nowhere to go and were expecting their parents to help. in my eyes they didnt communicate about the lease agreement until 2 weeks ago forcing me to find a home and stress over my livelihood. now that i secured the home, (the one they didn’t want to renew the lease at) two of them have asked to stay. i already have people who signed the lease so i must abide by it and give them the room they paid for . wibta for wanting the previous tenants to move out on their scheduled date, and wibta if i sent pictures to the landlord to show him the mess and hazard the previous tenant left behind?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
for context i’m 21 living with 4 other roommates who have all been my friends since hs. we have been here for a year & agreed that we would potentially live at the property for another year. we agreed that we’d communicate if any of us wanted to move out, that way we can know ahead of time. we were given the option to renew the lease or find individual homes, however we all agreed to stay and renew the lease minus 1 roommate who already moved out. on july 12, everyone decided they wanted to go their separate ways. i have a family who lives in apartments, so moving back wasn’t a option. again they informed me this 2 weeks prior to lease ending thus forcing me to look for places on my own. they continued to make comments like “i’ve been looking for a bit so i’ll be gone by next month and if you didn’t search for houses by now it’s irresponsible of you.” me relying on them renewing the lease, i didnt search as we all agreed we’d renew. they did not answer my texts and would simply hide in their rooms when i was home. i was able to renew the lease on my own since i found ppl to fill each room. however the roommate that moved out prior to this, left an absolute mess and since then had given us a bug infestation. i called him and asked to come clean it as i need to show off property. he said he would do it on his own time when he wanted. to give you an idea on the state of the room, it looks as if someone dumped trash. there was a moldy ketchup bottle, food wrappers and more. there is no furniture in the room, as he has been moved out for 3 months. he also demanded i give him deposit for his room back even though he has yet to clean it out to begin with. the lease ends the 31st so technically he has time but it’s just trash. when he first moved out, there was a bigger mess and he threw away all of our forks/dishes because he refused to clean them. there is not 1 fork in the house now! he imposes a health risk and violates lease agreement so if i wanted to, i can report to landlord and have him fined $600. since then all roommates have become hostile now asking and stating they don’t have a place to go until sepetember because that is their move in date. they have turned to me asking if they can stay a month because they have nowhere to go and were expecting their parents to help. in my eyes they didnt communicate about the lease agreement until 2 weeks ago forcing me to find a home and stress over my livelihood. now that i secured the home, (the one they didn’t want to renew the lease at) two of them have asked to stay. i already have people who signed the lease so i must abide by it and give them the room they paid for . wibta for wanting the previous tenants to move out on their scheduled date, and wibta if i sent pictures to the landlord to show him the mess and hazard the previous tenant left behind? [/INST] nta these guys are jerks. did they actually renew the lease or just say they were going to? it sounds like your friends haven’t learned how adulthood works. they need to take responsibility for their actions </s>
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AITA for letting some neighbour's kids play with my dogs but not others?
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i(24m) have 2 dogs, a rhodesian ridgeback female 18month old and an 11yo gsd male. both are fixed(if that matters).
i live at the top end of a cul de sac that has a big grassy lawn in the middle and and some trees and benches. i've lived here since i left home 5 years ago so i know all the neighbour's pretty well. in particular there's 1 family with youngish kids(14, 11 and 5) that live the dogs and take them for walks often and play tug of war with my ridgeback(my gsd is getting a bit stiff for games).
because i know the parents well i don't mind this and the parents have known my ridgeback since a puppy and understand that she still has her puppy moments where she can get a bit too hyper. also the youngest never plays with the dogs without the supervision of the oldest.
however a new family has moved in just recently with their 2 kids(approx 5 and 7). they saw family 1 playing with the dogs on the grass and asked if their kids could too. the 14yo explained that they didn't own the dogs and pointed out my house. then let the kids play with the dogs while she watched.
the problem came about because the 2 kids came to my house yesterday and asked to take the dogs outside to play. prior to this i'd never met them and didn't know their parents so i declined and told them to get their parents to come talk to me. at 10pm last night the dad showed up at my house and went absolutely ape at me for not letting his kids(strangers to me!) take the dogs and that it was unfair i let other kids play with the dogs and not his kids. i tried to explain that i just didn't know them and the ridgeback was still young and could be hyper sometimes and he yelled over me that if my dogs weren't safe around kids that they should be pts 🙄 i told him to go away or i'd call the police and that after his outburst his kids would never be allowed to play with my dogs(for obvious reasons).
now i'm in a tricky situation though. i want to continue letting family 1 play with the dogs but i also don't want to put miss 14 in an awkward position if family 2 tries to harass her. aita if i let family 1 play with the dogs even though i won't let family 2?
| 315 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o6rdgv/aita_for_letting_some_neighbours_kids_play_with/
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2021-06-24 02:10:59
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nta. you know and trust family 1. family 2 has just shown you that they should never be allowed near your dogs. i’d tell family 1 what happened and not to let family 2 around the dogs when they have them.
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nta i would explain the situation to family 1, particularly miss 14 so they are all aware.
don’t lose any sleep over family 2.
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nta i can not believe someone would be upset you declined to let their children play with dogs they do not know. your dogs know the children next door. no one leaves the five year old with the dog's unsupervised. do not approach a dog you do not know, it is a lesson every parent needs to teach their children. even the most docile dog can become aggressive when provoked.
he caught you off guard, if anyone is daft enough to to send their children over to your house to "play" with dogs they don't know, tell the person, your insurance agent requires a signed and notarized hold harmless agreement before you will even consider the request. mr. going ape would make a claim against your homeowners insurance in a heartbeat if your dog nipped at his precious children. i can not get over the gall and stupidity of people when it comes to dogs.
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nta. dad sounds like he has some serious entitlement issues.
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nta but i wouldn’t let anyone play with them without watching myself. kids can be rough and his are way too young to be alone with dogs. the nicest dog will defend himself if threatened or hurt. i feel it’s safe to say that guy has not taught his kids to respect anyone let alone animals. he’s a lawsuit waiting to happen which could also result in your dogs being punished for human behaviors. i’d hate to say no kids playing at all as i’m sure your dogs will miss them but i’d be very careful and always watch.
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nta. i wouldn’t let anyone i didn’t trust care for my dogs. you don’t know these people and now you don’t want too. i would tell the kids you trust to come get you if the newbies come trying to play or become pushy. they might have an issue where the dogs try to protect the kids because they know them. either way you don’t want these people starting anything, so keep a close eye.
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nta
you had a very good reason(s) for not allowing the kids to play with your dogs. the ridgeback is still young and rambunctious, which could cause an injury to a child, especially if she isn't used to the kids. you don't know this family, so you don't trust them. completely different situations from family 1.
the father's outburst would absolutely solidify my decision not to allow his kids to play with your dogs.
speak with family 1 and let the parent know that family 2 may be a problem and to warn the teenager and let her know what to do if that happens.
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nta, this dude has some major problems. you don’t know these people and how they treat dogs and other animals, so how do you know if they are gonna treat your dog right. also they don’t know you or your dogs or the temperament of your dogs. i find it crazy that that dad would really think he has a right to your dogs.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i(24m) have 2 dogs, a rhodesian ridgeback female 18month old and an 11yo gsd male. both are fixed(if that matters). i live at the top end of a cul de sac that has a big grassy lawn in the middle and and some trees and benches. i've lived here since i left home 5 years ago so i know all the neighbour's pretty well. in particular there's 1 family with youngish kids(14, 11 and 5) that live the dogs and take them for walks often and play tug of war with my ridgeback(my gsd is getting a bit stiff for games). because i know the parents well i don't mind this and the parents have known my ridgeback since a puppy and understand that she still has her puppy moments where she can get a bit too hyper. also the youngest never plays with the dogs without the supervision of the oldest. however a new family has moved in just recently with their 2 kids(approx 5 and 7). they saw family 1 playing with the dogs on the grass and asked if their kids could too. the 14yo explained that they didn't own the dogs and pointed out my house. then let the kids play with the dogs while she watched. the problem came about because the 2 kids came to my house yesterday and asked to take the dogs outside to play. prior to this i'd never met them and didn't know their parents so i declined and told them to get their parents to come talk to me. at 10pm last night the dad showed up at my house and went absolutely ape at me for not letting his kids(strangers to me!) take the dogs and that it was unfair i let other kids play with the dogs and not his kids. i tried to explain that i just didn't know them and the ridgeback was still young and could be hyper sometimes and he yelled over me that if my dogs weren't safe around kids that they should be pts 🙄 i told him to go away or i'd call the police and that after his outburst his kids would never be allowed to play with my dogs(for obvious reasons). now i'm in a tricky situation though. i want to continue letting family 1 play with the dogs but i also don't want to put miss 14 in an awkward position if family 2 tries to harass her. aita if i let family 1 play with the dogs even though i won't let family 2?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i(24m) have 2 dogs, a rhodesian ridgeback female 18month old and an 11yo gsd male. both are fixed(if that matters). i live at the top end of a cul de sac that has a big grassy lawn in the middle and and some trees and benches. i've lived here since i left home 5 years ago so i know all the neighbour's pretty well. in particular there's 1 family with youngish kids(14, 11 and 5) that live the dogs and take them for walks often and play tug of war with my ridgeback(my gsd is getting a bit stiff for games). because i know the parents well i don't mind this and the parents have known my ridgeback since a puppy and understand that she still has her puppy moments where she can get a bit too hyper. also the youngest never plays with the dogs without the supervision of the oldest. however a new family has moved in just recently with their 2 kids(approx 5 and 7). they saw family 1 playing with the dogs on the grass and asked if their kids could too. the 14yo explained that they didn't own the dogs and pointed out my house. then let the kids play with the dogs while she watched. the problem came about because the 2 kids came to my house yesterday and asked to take the dogs outside to play. prior to this i'd never met them and didn't know their parents so i declined and told them to get their parents to come talk to me. at 10pm last night the dad showed up at my house and went absolutely ape at me for not letting his kids(strangers to me!) take the dogs and that it was unfair i let other kids play with the dogs and not his kids. i tried to explain that i just didn't know them and the ridgeback was still young and could be hyper sometimes and he yelled over me that if my dogs weren't safe around kids that they should be pts 🙄 i told him to go away or i'd call the police and that after his outburst his kids would never be allowed to play with my dogs(for obvious reasons). now i'm in a tricky situation though. i want to continue letting family 1 play with the dogs but i also don't want to put miss 14 in an awkward position if family 2 tries to harass her. aita if i let family 1 play with the dogs even though i won't let family 2? [/INST] nta. you know and trust family 1. family 2 has just shown you that they should never be allowed near your dogs. i’d tell family 1 what happened and not to let family 2 around the dogs when they have them. </s>
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AITA for talking about my family on a podcast?
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i am a small time actor living in la (don't worry, you haven't seen me in anything) and i lead a pretty open and somewhat public life. i do podcasts and interviews, etc, regularly. i'm used to being public and open and i really don't mind it. i grew up very religiously and recently did a pretty in depth interview about why i chose to leave the religion. i also spoke about my sex life..the religion i grew up in believes you must remain a virgin until you marry. these are things i have chosen to do differently. i spoke very openly about my negative experiences in the church, but i truly believe i did this is a very respectful way.
here's the kicker..my whole family is still in the religion. they have been absolutely devastated by what i said. so much so that one of my brothers told me i was no longer a part of his life and couldn't see his children anymore. i did speak about some of the things we were taught in my parents household, but i made a point of saying 3 times that my parents were incredible parents and were deeply kind and worked hard for us. i think my family feels i ruined their reputation. i think they feel embarrassed. they feel i am ungrateful for the way i grew up when they worked so hard to give us a good childhood. my mom said to me 'you don't know the damage you've done' and that has stuck with me.
i absolutely do not want to cause damage to my family. i really don't. i also do think it can be a very harmful religion and i don't feel bad about talking about that openly.
idk...help me.
| 173 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/lk8k96/aita_for_talking_about_my_family_on_a_podcast/
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2021-02-15 07:34:30
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nta.
i don't think you were wrong in speaking your truth, but if your parents are entrenched in that religion and under its control, it makes sense they've reacted as they have.
the best thing to do is let it cool off for a while. your parents will see that the sky hasn't fallen because you took your pants off with another human being and played with each other's fun parts.
your parents might never fully accept that you have chosen a different path. but if they love you, they'll at least hopefully relax somewhat.
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this seems to be unpopular, but nah.
you’re allowed to share your experience with the religion freely and even made a point to praise your parents. but the rest of your family are still allowed to feel sad and betrayed that you dissed something so important to their lives. do i think it’s a symptom of a too-strict religion that your brother thinks you being openly against it warrants you being distanced from his children? yes. but i don’t want to call him an ah for it since it’s very likely he’s doing what he thinks best for them in a moment of heighten emotion. i don’t know whether this is a situation where you might consider him brainwashed from the religion, or whether you think he refuses to hear criticism of it because it upholds his status in the family unit/gives him control or power/etc. i’m choosing to believe the best of him since you clearly love your family.
if their negative behaviour ramps up then i would change my rating to n.t.a. (especially since i suspect they’ve been the ah in other instances where religion influenced your upbringing and how they treated you) but until then i think this instance is just everyone being rightfully upset. i’m atheist btw, in case that affects how anyone views my judgement. i hope this calms down for you once your family has had time to breathe.
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nah you have a right to talk about your life, buuuuuut i would straight up hate it if someone close to me started sharing everything about me for public consumption. what if an ex of yours started making the podcast rounds and airing all your dirty laundry? would you still want to be close friends and apart of their life after that?
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if you talked about your experiences, then you're nta. sometimes people are hurt by things we say and do, even if we have the best of intentions and take as much care as we can. you can understand that they're hurt, but you don't need to take that hurt onboard as your burden. all you can do is reiterate that you believed your parents were kind and did their best, and you didn't intend to hurt them but your experience stands.
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nah
you're allowed to talk about your upbringing. but your family is allowed to be upset with you that you talked about them in a public venue, without their permission it sounds like.
you're allowed to talk about any part of your life you want...but it affected them too so you have to accept the consequences of their reactions, no matter how negative those consequences are.
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info
did you have your family's permission, or at least give them a heads up, before speaking about them?
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nah. you can go in a podcast and speak about intimate parts of your childhood and sex life. your private, religious family is allowed to be upset by that. look, there’s nothing inherently wrong with speaking your truth. but you mention being an actor in la. you chose to go on a podcast for a reason. if you exploit the “oddity” of your background for clout or exposure, you need to be prepared for the characters you used to be upset. it is what it is.
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nta. you've said it yourself, it can be a quite harmful religion and you're now experiencing possible consequences from it.
it sounds like they have a problem with two things:
- you talking negatively about their religion
- you talking bad about your upbringing in this religion
so two things they were/are involved with.
now they could have ignored it or tried to show you how it affects their life positively, but they instead tried to shame you for speaking about your own experience, not realising that this is exactly why you feel this way about their religion. why is the problem you talking about it and not you feeling this way?
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NTA
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NAH
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NAH
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NTA
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NAH
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INFO
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NAH
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NTA
| null | null | 0.046507 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i am a small time actor living in la (don't worry, you haven't seen me in anything) and i lead a pretty open and somewhat public life. i do podcasts and interviews, etc, regularly. i'm used to being public and open and i really don't mind it. i grew up very religiously and recently did a pretty in depth interview about why i chose to leave the religion. i also spoke about my sex life..the religion i grew up in believes you must remain a virgin until you marry. these are things i have chosen to do differently. i spoke very openly about my negative experiences in the church, but i truly believe i did this is a very respectful way. here's the kicker..my whole family is still in the religion. they have been absolutely devastated by what i said. so much so that one of my brothers told me i was no longer a part of his life and couldn't see his children anymore. i did speak about some of the things we were taught in my parents household, but i made a point of saying 3 times that my parents were incredible parents and were deeply kind and worked hard for us. i think my family feels i ruined their reputation. i think they feel embarrassed. they feel i am ungrateful for the way i grew up when they worked so hard to give us a good childhood. my mom said to me 'you don't know the damage you've done' and that has stuck with me. i absolutely do not want to cause damage to my family. i really don't. i also do think it can be a very harmful religion and i don't feel bad about talking about that openly. idk...help me.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i am a small time actor living in la (don't worry, you haven't seen me in anything) and i lead a pretty open and somewhat public life. i do podcasts and interviews, etc, regularly. i'm used to being public and open and i really don't mind it. i grew up very religiously and recently did a pretty in depth interview about why i chose to leave the religion. i also spoke about my sex life..the religion i grew up in believes you must remain a virgin until you marry. these are things i have chosen to do differently. i spoke very openly about my negative experiences in the church, but i truly believe i did this is a very respectful way. here's the kicker..my whole family is still in the religion. they have been absolutely devastated by what i said. so much so that one of my brothers told me i was no longer a part of his life and couldn't see his children anymore. i did speak about some of the things we were taught in my parents household, but i made a point of saying 3 times that my parents were incredible parents and were deeply kind and worked hard for us. i think my family feels i ruined their reputation. i think they feel embarrassed. they feel i am ungrateful for the way i grew up when they worked so hard to give us a good childhood. my mom said to me 'you don't know the damage you've done' and that has stuck with me. i absolutely do not want to cause damage to my family. i really don't. i also do think it can be a very harmful religion and i don't feel bad about talking about that openly. idk...help me. [/INST] nta. i don't think you were wrong in speaking your truth, but if your parents are entrenched in that religion and under its control, it makes sense they've reacted as they have. the best thing to do is let it cool off for a while. your parents will see that the sky hasn't fallen because you took your pants off with another human being and played with each other's fun parts. your parents might never fully accept that you have chosen a different path. but if they love you, they'll at least hopefully relax somewhat. </s>
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WIBTA if I refuse to rekindle My relationship with my daughter ? She initizted no contact and now I don’t want her in my life, I like it better
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english is not my primary language
i have 5 children. 3 of them ( angrydzughter who was 38, sons 1 and 2 who were both 27) decided to be childfree, lastdaughter is undecided and middle daughter (let’s call her twinsmom, and she was 26 at the time) gave birth to lovely twins. they are my only grandchildren so of course i’m absolutely crazy about them.
i have no problem with the life choices of my kids. i don’t think you should have kids if you don’t want them ( i was not wanted by my parents so i can’t wish that for anybody). but angrydaughter became awful to twinmom since the moment she accidentally fell pregnant (twinmom is/was child free too ). i didn’t realize the bullying until a few weeks after the birth of the twins when tm burst into crying and told me that her sister has been relentlessly trying to get her to abort/gave the children for adoption the entire pregnancy. she would send her messages about how the kids ruined her life/body/career. i was furious because even though i don’t really get along with ad (i’ll explain later why), she is usually wonderful with her siblings who really admire her, and gives sound advice. ad’s bullying did not stop with the birth of my grandchildren.
anyway i confronted ad and this led to a huge argument. she insisted on being right and trying to save my daughter from a life of misery. i told her that she had to stop immediately and she refused. her brothers and other sister also tried to reason her and she felt attacked and said horrible things about the kids. i threatened to kick her out of the flat she’s living in with her boyfriend and that i own if she didn’t apologize then really did. she decided to block us all and go no contact.
she has been in contact with my other kids (even tm) after 7 years and they encouraged her to reach out to me. the thing is... i love the peace her absence caused. i love talking about what i like in family meetings without being judged or looked down. i love the fact that not all conversation turns political. i feel so peaceful since she left and i’m not sure i want a relationship with her again. i think i really love her but i don’t like her and i don’t want the negativity back into my life.
on the other hand, i basically raised her and we’re the only family she has left. if i don’t want to reunite with her, she will not come to family gatherings, holidays, ...
wibta if i refuse to rekindle our relationship?
| 269 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/h8yqyo/wibta_if_i_refuse_to_rekindle_my_relationship/
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2020-06-14 18:17:01
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nta, she started no contact so why should she expect to just suddenly be back in your life
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more info :
i don’t go along with ad because i’m religious, love kids, am anti drugs, gave up my career to support my late husband’s and am a pretty basic middle aged woman. she is the contrary of me and feels attacked by my life choices.
ad is much more like her parents and especially her mother, who is a strongly independent force of nature, a successful business woman and a strong willed person. i sincerely admire her even if i don’t want to be her if that makes sense. i m way more traditional. ad is the only one who is not biologically mine by the way. i never adopted her but if she’s my husband’s kid she’s mine too even if we never succeed to connect. her father did not cheat on her mother with me but with the woman before. she came to fully live with us when she was 12 and her mother wanted to live overseas.
anyway i was very sad for very long because i never wanted that and i had promised both of her parents to look after her. i tried to reach out a few times but she never responded and finally blocked her others siblings because they were still siding with tm and i.
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nta.
she's the one who stopped contacting you in the first place. if things are overall better without her then i think you have your answer.
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nta. she bullied your pregnant daughter, tried to convince her to abort or giveaway her children and then railed against all of you when called out for her horrific behaviour. cutting out toxic people is sometimes necessary but in this case she cut herself out and you feel like a weight has been lifted. you're under no obligation to do anything for her just because she's feeling alone.
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not passing a judgement because this is too complex for that.
ad has clearly been affected by being abandoned by her birth mother and the fact that her father cheated on said birth mother. she needs proper help.
it isn't your responsibility to provide that though.
the best thing you can do for all your children is put proper boundaries in and demonstrate them in action. be clear with yourself about what you are willing to tolerate from ad and what your are not.
good luck.
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nta. she sounds horrible. if you can’t have peaceful life ones your kids are grown then what is the point? she sounds agressive and awful. child free doesn’t equal verbally abusive child hater. she’s confused.
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nta she sounds miserable
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NTA
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INFO
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
| null | null | null | 0.010352 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: english is not my primary language i have 5 children. 3 of them ( angrydzughter who was 38, sons 1 and 2 who were both 27) decided to be childfree, lastdaughter is undecided and middle daughter (let’s call her twinsmom, and she was 26 at the time) gave birth to lovely twins. they are my only grandchildren so of course i’m absolutely crazy about them. i have no problem with the life choices of my kids. i don’t think you should have kids if you don’t want them ( i was not wanted by my parents so i can’t wish that for anybody). but angrydaughter became awful to twinmom since the moment she accidentally fell pregnant (twinmom is/was child free too ). i didn’t realize the bullying until a few weeks after the birth of the twins when tm burst into crying and told me that her sister has been relentlessly trying to get her to abort/gave the children for adoption the entire pregnancy. she would send her messages about how the kids ruined her life/body/career. i was furious because even though i don’t really get along with ad (i’ll explain later why), she is usually wonderful with her siblings who really admire her, and gives sound advice. ad’s bullying did not stop with the birth of my grandchildren. anyway i confronted ad and this led to a huge argument. she insisted on being right and trying to save my daughter from a life of misery. i told her that she had to stop immediately and she refused. her brothers and other sister also tried to reason her and she felt attacked and said horrible things about the kids. i threatened to kick her out of the flat she’s living in with her boyfriend and that i own if she didn’t apologize then really did. she decided to block us all and go no contact. she has been in contact with my other kids (even tm) after 7 years and they encouraged her to reach out to me. the thing is... i love the peace her absence caused. i love talking about what i like in family meetings without being judged or looked down. i love the fact that not all conversation turns political. i feel so peaceful since she left and i’m not sure i want a relationship with her again. i think i really love her but i don’t like her and i don’t want the negativity back into my life. on the other hand, i basically raised her and we’re the only family she has left. if i don’t want to reunite with her, she will not come to family gatherings, holidays, ... wibta if i refuse to rekindle our relationship?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
english is not my primary language i have 5 children. 3 of them ( angrydzughter who was 38, sons 1 and 2 who were both 27) decided to be childfree, lastdaughter is undecided and middle daughter (let’s call her twinsmom, and she was 26 at the time) gave birth to lovely twins. they are my only grandchildren so of course i’m absolutely crazy about them. i have no problem with the life choices of my kids. i don’t think you should have kids if you don’t want them ( i was not wanted by my parents so i can’t wish that for anybody). but angrydaughter became awful to twinmom since the moment she accidentally fell pregnant (twinmom is/was child free too ). i didn’t realize the bullying until a few weeks after the birth of the twins when tm burst into crying and told me that her sister has been relentlessly trying to get her to abort/gave the children for adoption the entire pregnancy. she would send her messages about how the kids ruined her life/body/career. i was furious because even though i don’t really get along with ad (i’ll explain later why), she is usually wonderful with her siblings who really admire her, and gives sound advice. ad’s bullying did not stop with the birth of my grandchildren. anyway i confronted ad and this led to a huge argument. she insisted on being right and trying to save my daughter from a life of misery. i told her that she had to stop immediately and she refused. her brothers and other sister also tried to reason her and she felt attacked and said horrible things about the kids. i threatened to kick her out of the flat she’s living in with her boyfriend and that i own if she didn’t apologize then really did. she decided to block us all and go no contact. she has been in contact with my other kids (even tm) after 7 years and they encouraged her to reach out to me. the thing is... i love the peace her absence caused. i love talking about what i like in family meetings without being judged or looked down. i love the fact that not all conversation turns political. i feel so peaceful since she left and i’m not sure i want a relationship with her again. i think i really love her but i don’t like her and i don’t want the negativity back into my life. on the other hand, i basically raised her and we’re the only family she has left. if i don’t want to reunite with her, she will not come to family gatherings, holidays, ... wibta if i refuse to rekindle our relationship? [/INST] nta, she started no contact so why should she expect to just suddenly be back in your life </s>
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AITA for getting pissed that GF shared netflix account with family who keep logging on in another country?
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i've had a couple of issues with accounts getting hacked, before being with current gf but she is aware that for me this has been issue, and that i reticent about sharing accounts because of this.
i originally started sharing a netflix account with her. a few months later i suddenly get a warning that someone logged in on netflix on another country. worried about it, but seeing as it was from my gf's homecountry, i asked her about it and yes, she had given account access to her mother. i told her i didn't appreciate it the fact that she didn't ask me about it first, honestly if she had done so i wouldn't have had an issue with it.
about a week later, i get another notification, same country. took me longer to find out, but apparently her mother had given her brother the account as well. now i was pissed, because at this point i felt like i had no control over who was using my account. she was telling me her mother didn't think anything of it, which fine, i think it's rude but let's give her the benefit of the doubt. i told my gf that if there were going to be more new login or access requests to please tell me first and i would be fine with it. it costs me nothing per month, and it's a major plus for them.
but then this dude started to log in on different devices, and i got in about 2 weeks repeated log in notifications from netflix (about one every 2-3 days), and every time i would ask my gf to please check with her family. every time it was. the tipping point came when my subscription got changed, supposedly i guess because the maximum number of simultaneous devices had been reached, and her bro (according to her not knowing english) just saw some pop-up and clicked "ok" to continue and watch whatever.
i was mad at this, i felt that at the very best case scenario her brother did not give a shit about using someone else's service, not understanding that this was lent as a favor, and should be letting me or my gf know before hand when logging in or asking if he didn't know what he was doing. at the worst, i now had a bunch of unknowns using my account.
my gf ended up getting her own netflix account, which to me is a relief. but she still says i am a mayor asshole for making a big deal out of nothing and still gets incredibly upset when the topic comes up.
i honestly fail to see how sharing something of mine with people i have never met, but asking the to notify me on whatsapp/fb/skype/whatever before logging in on different devices is asking for that much. especially having told my gf time and again that sharing accounts and passwords is difficult for me in general.
&#x200b;
am i a paranoid asshole here? or is she being unfairly critical of what she sees as distrust in her family? i honestly would be just as mad if it were my siblings or best friends doing this.
| 437 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/aufevx/aita_for_getting_pissed_that_gf_shared_netflix/
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2019-02-25 01:47:35
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nta
this may be a major red flag for things to come. might want consider how this type of thing could affect you throughout a relationship. the worst offender is your gf for a complete lack of respect.
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nta. your girlfriend is. she's being unfairly critical because she feels she's entitled to share something that *she doesn't pay for* with other people. i'd watch out for this behavior, if i was you. this kind of entitlement has a tendency to creep into other areas of the relationship.
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nta that was totally uncool of her to pass on your password to poeple you dont even know that's a major breach of privacy. what if you were lazy with security and used the same password for most of your accounts? now they know your password. she should have asked you first. she is in the wrong, way in the wrong.
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nta your stuff was not treated with respect. i find it worrisome she can't understand that.
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nta. my stepsister pulled that and i changed the password.
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nta
your account, your money. your gf could have been more considerate, especially when you started being charged more
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nta. she and her family abused your trust and are the only assholes here.
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nta. i hope you aren't sharing a netflix account with her anymore, since she obviously can't be trusted not to give the password to her entire friggin family.
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nta
you set a boundary, that boundary was broken due to her actions, so she is to blame. what will you do the next time she breaks a boundary of yours for her family?
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nta if she wanted to do a family account all she had to do was spend the $15 herself instead of expecting you to let your account be passed all over.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i've had a couple of issues with accounts getting hacked, before being with current gf but she is aware that for me this has been issue, and that i reticent about sharing accounts because of this. i originally started sharing a netflix account with her. a few months later i suddenly get a warning that someone logged in on netflix on another country. worried about it, but seeing as it was from my gf's homecountry, i asked her about it and yes, she had given account access to her mother. i told her i didn't appreciate it the fact that she didn't ask me about it first, honestly if she had done so i wouldn't have had an issue with it. about a week later, i get another notification, same country. took me longer to find out, but apparently her mother had given her brother the account as well. now i was pissed, because at this point i felt like i had no control over who was using my account. she was telling me her mother didn't think anything of it, which fine, i think it's rude but let's give her the benefit of the doubt. i told my gf that if there were going to be more new login or access requests to please tell me first and i would be fine with it. it costs me nothing per month, and it's a major plus for them. but then this dude started to log in on different devices, and i got in about 2 weeks repeated log in notifications from netflix (about one every 2-3 days), and every time i would ask my gf to please check with her family. every time it was. the tipping point came when my subscription got changed, supposedly i guess because the maximum number of simultaneous devices had been reached, and her bro (according to her not knowing english) just saw some pop-up and clicked "ok" to continue and watch whatever. i was mad at this, i felt that at the very best case scenario her brother did not give a shit about using someone else's service, not understanding that this was lent as a favor, and should be letting me or my gf know before hand when logging in or asking if he didn't know what he was doing. at the worst, i now had a bunch of unknowns using my account. my gf ended up getting her own netflix account, which to me is a relief. but she still says i am a mayor asshole for making a big deal out of nothing and still gets incredibly upset when the topic comes up. i honestly fail to see how sharing something of mine with people i have never met, but asking the to notify me on whatsapp/fb/skype/whatever before logging in on different devices is asking for that much. especially having told my gf time and again that sharing accounts and passwords is difficult for me in general. &#x200b; am i a paranoid asshole here? or is she being unfairly critical of what she sees as distrust in her family? i honestly would be just as mad if it were my siblings or best friends doing this.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i've had a couple of issues with accounts getting hacked, before being with current gf but she is aware that for me this has been issue, and that i reticent about sharing accounts because of this. i originally started sharing a netflix account with her. a few months later i suddenly get a warning that someone logged in on netflix on another country. worried about it, but seeing as it was from my gf's homecountry, i asked her about it and yes, she had given account access to her mother. i told her i didn't appreciate it the fact that she didn't ask me about it first, honestly if she had done so i wouldn't have had an issue with it. about a week later, i get another notification, same country. took me longer to find out, but apparently her mother had given her brother the account as well. now i was pissed, because at this point i felt like i had no control over who was using my account. she was telling me her mother didn't think anything of it, which fine, i think it's rude but let's give her the benefit of the doubt. i told my gf that if there were going to be more new login or access requests to please tell me first and i would be fine with it. it costs me nothing per month, and it's a major plus for them. but then this dude started to log in on different devices, and i got in about 2 weeks repeated log in notifications from netflix (about one every 2-3 days), and every time i would ask my gf to please check with her family. every time it was. the tipping point came when my subscription got changed, supposedly i guess because the maximum number of simultaneous devices had been reached, and her bro (according to her not knowing english) just saw some pop-up and clicked "ok" to continue and watch whatever. i was mad at this, i felt that at the very best case scenario her brother did not give a shit about using someone else's service, not understanding that this was lent as a favor, and should be letting me or my gf know before hand when logging in or asking if he didn't know what he was doing. at the worst, i now had a bunch of unknowns using my account. my gf ended up getting her own netflix account, which to me is a relief. but she still says i am a mayor asshole for making a big deal out of nothing and still gets incredibly upset when the topic comes up. i honestly fail to see how sharing something of mine with people i have never met, but asking the to notify me on whatsapp/fb/skype/whatever before logging in on different devices is asking for that much. especially having told my gf time and again that sharing accounts and passwords is difficult for me in general. &#x200b; am i a paranoid asshole here? or is she being unfairly critical of what she sees as distrust in her family? i honestly would be just as mad if it were my siblings or best friends doing this. [/INST] nta this may be a major red flag for things to come. might want consider how this type of thing could affect you throughout a relationship. the worst offender is your gf for a complete lack of respect. </s>
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AITA for moving into my own apartment because my boyfriend didn’t want a dog?
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hey! i (25f) recently moved in to my boyfriend’s (27m) house with him. everything has been going well, except for our pet situation!
so my boyfriend has a 12 year old cat named charlie who he loves very much. charlie hates other animals though, especially dogs. he gets really upset when dogs walk by the house or bark. it sucks because it’s always been my dream to get a dog and my boyfriend knows this but has always been adamant that “we are not getting a dog until charlie dies.”
i really don’t even bring it up often, but i do live a pretty active lifestyle so every now and then i will just daydream and mention that it would be awesome to have a dog to join me on all my adventures one day, to which he immediately responds that we can’t until charlie dies. and ever since i moved in he’s been saying things like “and if you don’t like it you can leave at any time.”
so i actually thought more about it and he’s right - we can just go back to living separately so i can finally have my dog, we can still be together and charlie is happy. i thought it was a good compromise but when i told my boyfriend that i was considering moving out, he flipped out. he said i was “being immature” and “choosing a dog over him.” but it’s not like i want to break up with him? i just want to live in a space where i can get a dog if i want to. besides, he said if i don’t like it i can leave…
i’m going to look at two apartments this evening and my boyfriend told me i can stay with my mom until i find a place. i really don’t want to feel like i’m choosing between him or a dog, but he’s kinda making it that way imo.
so reddit aita if i go through with moving out to get a dog?
| 947 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vz1cv6/aita_for_moving_into_my_own_apartment_because_my/
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2022-07-14 17:26:19
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nta. you're both adults and you both have your own ideas of what you want and what you won't tolerate. i don't understand people saying the opposite, that cat could live another 9 years easy. you're not asking him to get rid of the cat. there is no assholish behavior here.
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nah. i don't get all the comments about how you're the asshole because you moved in knowing his position. moving in wasn't a promise to never change your own mind about what you want, nor a commitment to continue living together until the cat dies.
you're allowed to decide, "you know what? i do want a dog, and it's important enough to me to move out even if my boyfriend doesn't want me to do that." as others have said, just realize the relationship likely won't survive as a result. you are not the asshole just because you are okay with that.
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so i interpret this differently to how you did. i think that when he said ‘if you don’t like it you can leave’, he wasn’t offering a compromise, he was saying that if you don’t like it you should break up.
by moving out you’re taking your relationship back a step and putting it in limbo for as long at charlie is alive. it can’t move forward to cohabitation, marriage or kids while you have incompatible pets, you will at best be dating, probably for the next five to ten years. what’s the point of having a relationship if it can’t move forward?
so by moving out and getting a dog, you are choosing an unknown dog over your long term partner which is probably very hurtful, you’ve wasted his time by agreeing to not get a dog and then changing your mind down the line (when he probably would not have started dating you if he’d known you’d do this), and to add insult to injury you’re acting like that’s no big deal because ‘you can just live separately’.
esh, him for being unnecessarily abrasive and you for acting like he has no reason to be hurt and annoyed that you wasted his time.
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i may get downvoted for this, but yeah yta. he had that cat prior to dating you, i'm assuming. i wouldn't give up my elderly cat just so someone could add a brand new animal. he has a bond with the cat, while you don't have a dog yet. you knew the rule when you moved it, but still decided to. now when forced to pick between living with him and getting a new dog, you pick dog, and basically said that you don't want to live with him for (possibly) years. i'd be hurt too.
he's not exactly innocent if he told you to leave if you don't like it. but i can understand it too. so maybe a bit esh. you do you, of course. you're not forced to live with him or date him. but it doesn't look good for you guys to continue in this relationship based on this.
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sounds like you and your bf should break up tbh.
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nah. his desire to protect his cat doesn't make him an ahole and neither does your desire for a dog. when you adopt an animal, you have a responsibility to it.
there is no absolute requirement that people live together. of course, once you have a dog, it will make sleeping over at his house infinitely harder bc a dog requires a lot of care and attention in a way a cat never does and you won't be able to take a dog to his house. so it will definitely have a significant impact on your relationship. if having a dog is important enough that you are willing to sacrifice time with your so, maybe he's not he one for you?
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question: how long have you two been together and how long have you lived together?
i don’t know why people are making it seem like yta for wanting a dog. having your own pet can be such a rewarding experience and i don’t think it’s fair for you to have to wait an unknown amount of time to do that.
your boyfriend quite literally told you to get out if you didn’t like it. you don’t like it, so you took his advice and now he’s upset. that’s on him.
i don’t believe anyone is necessarily the ah here. he has a right to maintain a calm environment for his pet and you have the right to move out and get your own. if you moving out so you can get a dog means the end of your relationship, then you’ll have to decide what choice matters more to you.
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nta but you will be single.
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he told you if you didn’t like it, you can leave. i absolutely hate when people say things like that to someone they supposedly care about. anyway, you took him up on the option he presented and now he’s so mad that if you choose it, the relationship is over, he can’t have it both ways. he’s in ah territory for that.
nta
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nah. you want a dog, but he already has a pet incompatible with dogs. by saying you'll move out so you can have a dog, you're exercising your right. however, you're also communicating to him that you weren't living with him because you want to be closer with him. instead, you're saying you were living with him because it was convenient. since it's no longer convenient for you, you're willing to leave. this is painful for him because he thought the two of you were on the same page about your relationship, and he just discovered that you aren't. you need to understand that you've hurt him, and then you should probably break up with him so that you can have the dog you really want, and he can find a partner who feels the same way about him as he feels about her.
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NTA
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NAH
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ESH
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YTA
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NAH
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YTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NAH
| 0.475284 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: hey! i (25f) recently moved in to my boyfriend’s (27m) house with him. everything has been going well, except for our pet situation! so my boyfriend has a 12 year old cat named charlie who he loves very much. charlie hates other animals though, especially dogs. he gets really upset when dogs walk by the house or bark. it sucks because it’s always been my dream to get a dog and my boyfriend knows this but has always been adamant that “we are not getting a dog until charlie dies.” i really don’t even bring it up often, but i do live a pretty active lifestyle so every now and then i will just daydream and mention that it would be awesome to have a dog to join me on all my adventures one day, to which he immediately responds that we can’t until charlie dies. and ever since i moved in he’s been saying things like “and if you don’t like it you can leave at any time.” so i actually thought more about it and he’s right - we can just go back to living separately so i can finally have my dog, we can still be together and charlie is happy. i thought it was a good compromise but when i told my boyfriend that i was considering moving out, he flipped out. he said i was “being immature” and “choosing a dog over him.” but it’s not like i want to break up with him? i just want to live in a space where i can get a dog if i want to. besides, he said if i don’t like it i can leave… i’m going to look at two apartments this evening and my boyfriend told me i can stay with my mom until i find a place. i really don’t want to feel like i’m choosing between him or a dog, but he’s kinda making it that way imo. so reddit aita if i go through with moving out to get a dog?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
hey! i (25f) recently moved in to my boyfriend’s (27m) house with him. everything has been going well, except for our pet situation! so my boyfriend has a 12 year old cat named charlie who he loves very much. charlie hates other animals though, especially dogs. he gets really upset when dogs walk by the house or bark. it sucks because it’s always been my dream to get a dog and my boyfriend knows this but has always been adamant that “we are not getting a dog until charlie dies.” i really don’t even bring it up often, but i do live a pretty active lifestyle so every now and then i will just daydream and mention that it would be awesome to have a dog to join me on all my adventures one day, to which he immediately responds that we can’t until charlie dies. and ever since i moved in he’s been saying things like “and if you don’t like it you can leave at any time.” so i actually thought more about it and he’s right - we can just go back to living separately so i can finally have my dog, we can still be together and charlie is happy. i thought it was a good compromise but when i told my boyfriend that i was considering moving out, he flipped out. he said i was “being immature” and “choosing a dog over him.” but it’s not like i want to break up with him? i just want to live in a space where i can get a dog if i want to. besides, he said if i don’t like it i can leave… i’m going to look at two apartments this evening and my boyfriend told me i can stay with my mom until i find a place. i really don’t want to feel like i’m choosing between him or a dog, but he’s kinda making it that way imo. so reddit aita if i go through with moving out to get a dog? [/INST] nta. you're both adults and you both have your own ideas of what you want and what you won't tolerate. i don't understand people saying the opposite, that cat could live another 9 years easy. you're not asking him to get rid of the cat. there is no assholish behavior here. </s>
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AITA for not inviting my family to my wedding
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i (28f) met my fiance (35m) on tinder, back in 2017. after some failed dates, i met him, and the connection was just natural. we have similar tastes, thoughts, political views, future plans, etc. - all the importants: a match.
4 months after we started dating, we made our relationship a 'formal' thing (family introductions and such), and 6 months later we moved in together. i'm latina, so my parents weren't very happy about me:
1. dating over tinder
2. moving in with him before marriage
one time, while we were casually dating, i posted a photo on ig with some sexy song lyrics as caption. an uncle ss the post, sent to my mother saying how bad a parent she was for letting me 'expose' myself that way. this led to a very heated argument with my mother, where she insinuated my bf was not trustworthy bc we met online, and he's from out of town. after this, i decided to block/remove all family but parents and siblings off of social media.
fast forward to 2020, my fiance and i proposed to each other, and we are planing a wedding for 50 people tops; considering covid
i must say that we are doing great at our jobs, i even earn more than my fiance, so money for a bigger wedding is not an issue. so when i shared these plans with my mother, she flipped, of course. she gave me this speech about blood being thicker than water, about her expectations for what my wedding would be, how she had a small wedding herself and has since regretted it. then she told me that if money was the issue, they (my parents) could pay for the extra people, but at least allow them to invite their siblings (20 extra people). we are alredy pushing it with 50 people, covid restrictions and fines are stupidly high where i live, so 20 extra people is just a no-no.
now, all this time since i moved out, my parents have not mentioned a word of it to their siblings. yes, my aunts and uncles believe i still live home with my parents, and they (parents) have even asked me not to mention a word just so that 'nobody talks shit about our family'. since i don't have any aunt, uncle, cousin on social media, idgaf what they say. but my mother has been guilt-tripping me, saying how inconsiderate i'm being towards her, her family, her feelings, despite her keeping 'my secret'.
so, reddit, aita?
| 1,396 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ld6b17/aita_for_not_inviting_my_family_to_my_wedding/
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2021-02-05 12:39:07
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nta. your wedding, your choice. “this is what i have decided is happening, mom.”
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nta - this is your life, not theirs. if i were you, i would elope. i wouldn't want any of them with their judgments at my wedding.
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nta your (and your partner's) wedding, your rules. considering your family were never really supportive of your partnership i don't think they've earnt the right to attend the formal ceremonial joining of that partnership.
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nta also the saying blood is thicker than water isn’t true the original saying was the blood of the convent is thicker than the water of the womb. which means the family you choose is stronger than the one you were born in
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nta. your mum didn’t rat you out, not for your sake but really for her own. she’s more concerned about how she’s viewed and what others will say about her. your wedding is for you and your partner and as long as you own your decisions and have considered what your mum shared (assuming your mother makes a valid point about why she regrets), i say plan a wedding you can enjoy, remember and look back fondly on. i think i have only one question regarding your relatives. did your uncles and aunts play a role in your upbringing? i’m asking because i’m also planning to have a small wedding but out of respect to my uncles and aunts who have had a role (even if it’s really tiny) in my upbringing, i’ll invite them. so even though i really only want to invite my favourite aunts and uncles, i don’t want it to get political. the solution would be to just invite my elders (yes i’m asian).
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nta. there's a *pandemic*. and your mom is projecting her own issues onto you. you do you, op, and make all decisions with your husband, the family you're choosing to make, not the one that's ashamed of you for, you know, being 28, in love, and in a relationship.
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yta for considering a 50 person wedding during covid-19 times.
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nta. your life, your wedding. live it how you want and don’t care what anyone says. blood may be thicker than water, but blood is also 90 percent water so...
i can’t blame you for *not wanting to invite people who may not be 100% happy for you on your day. also if she keeps pushing, and you give in, make it be known that she will be responsible for any covid fines you receive and make sure it’s in writing (maybe notarized as well just to be petty).
*edited to correct verbiage
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"but my mother has been guilt-tripping me, saying how inconsiderate i'm being towards her, her family, her feelings"
there you go, op. all you need to know. your mom is making this all about her, when in fact it's all about you and your fiancé. you can accommodate whatever traditions you want, but you cannot be forced to accept those you don't want, and for the love of jesus, you cannot be forced to accept those that are literally illegal right now. nta and have a house of stone, as we say in my country.
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nta for that but yta for having a wedding during covid. idc how "small" it is. we continue to have to live in a pandemic cuz of people like you. who are entitled and think covid wont affect their group. but then it does and you just spread and lengthen the amount of time living like this.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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YTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0.024 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (28f) met my fiance (35m) on tinder, back in 2017. after some failed dates, i met him, and the connection was just natural. we have similar tastes, thoughts, political views, future plans, etc. - all the importants: a match. 4 months after we started dating, we made our relationship a 'formal' thing (family introductions and such), and 6 months later we moved in together. i'm latina, so my parents weren't very happy about me: 1. dating over tinder 2. moving in with him before marriage one time, while we were casually dating, i posted a photo on ig with some sexy song lyrics as caption. an uncle ss the post, sent to my mother saying how bad a parent she was for letting me 'expose' myself that way. this led to a very heated argument with my mother, where she insinuated my bf was not trustworthy bc we met online, and he's from out of town. after this, i decided to block/remove all family but parents and siblings off of social media. fast forward to 2020, my fiance and i proposed to each other, and we are planing a wedding for 50 people tops; considering covid i must say that we are doing great at our jobs, i even earn more than my fiance, so money for a bigger wedding is not an issue. so when i shared these plans with my mother, she flipped, of course. she gave me this speech about blood being thicker than water, about her expectations for what my wedding would be, how she had a small wedding herself and has since regretted it. then she told me that if money was the issue, they (my parents) could pay for the extra people, but at least allow them to invite their siblings (20 extra people). we are alredy pushing it with 50 people, covid restrictions and fines are stupidly high where i live, so 20 extra people is just a no-no. now, all this time since i moved out, my parents have not mentioned a word of it to their siblings. yes, my aunts and uncles believe i still live home with my parents, and they (parents) have even asked me not to mention a word just so that 'nobody talks shit about our family'. since i don't have any aunt, uncle, cousin on social media, idgaf what they say. but my mother has been guilt-tripping me, saying how inconsiderate i'm being towards her, her family, her feelings, despite her keeping 'my secret'. so, reddit, aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i (28f) met my fiance (35m) on tinder, back in 2017. after some failed dates, i met him, and the connection was just natural. we have similar tastes, thoughts, political views, future plans, etc. - all the importants: a match. 4 months after we started dating, we made our relationship a 'formal' thing (family introductions and such), and 6 months later we moved in together. i'm latina, so my parents weren't very happy about me: 1. dating over tinder 2. moving in with him before marriage one time, while we were casually dating, i posted a photo on ig with some sexy song lyrics as caption. an uncle ss the post, sent to my mother saying how bad a parent she was for letting me 'expose' myself that way. this led to a very heated argument with my mother, where she insinuated my bf was not trustworthy bc we met online, and he's from out of town. after this, i decided to block/remove all family but parents and siblings off of social media. fast forward to 2020, my fiance and i proposed to each other, and we are planing a wedding for 50 people tops; considering covid i must say that we are doing great at our jobs, i even earn more than my fiance, so money for a bigger wedding is not an issue. so when i shared these plans with my mother, she flipped, of course. she gave me this speech about blood being thicker than water, about her expectations for what my wedding would be, how she had a small wedding herself and has since regretted it. then she told me that if money was the issue, they (my parents) could pay for the extra people, but at least allow them to invite their siblings (20 extra people). we are alredy pushing it with 50 people, covid restrictions and fines are stupidly high where i live, so 20 extra people is just a no-no. now, all this time since i moved out, my parents have not mentioned a word of it to their siblings. yes, my aunts and uncles believe i still live home with my parents, and they (parents) have even asked me not to mention a word just so that 'nobody talks shit about our family'. since i don't have any aunt, uncle, cousin on social media, idgaf what they say. but my mother has been guilt-tripping me, saying how inconsiderate i'm being towards her, her family, her feelings, despite her keeping 'my secret'. so, reddit, aita? [/INST] nta. your wedding, your choice. “this is what i have decided is happening, mom.” </s>
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AITA for splitting my food into 2 plates
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i and my wife have been married for 4 years. she's 26 weeks pregnant now.
recently, she's started to pick food off my plate whenever we go out to eat. the thing is i really don't mind sharing food with others i just don't like it when someone puts their hand/fork/spoon into my plate. i feel like i'm in a competition and i've to eat fast or i'll not get to eat enough food. i've explained my feelings to her but she says it's not a big deal and that spouses should always share food with each other.
today, we had gone out to dinner. while ordering, i asked her if she wants me to order the same for her but she said no. she ordered a different thing for herself. when the good arrived, she took a bite of my food to see how it tastes. she said it's really good and started eating off my plate. i offered to let her eat my food and that i'd take her plate of food but she said no and that she wanted just a bit of my food. she didn't eat a lot of my food tbh but as i was eating, she kept picking food off my plate. at one point i got frustrated and asked the waiter for an empty plate. i took half of my food from my plate and put it on that extra plate and handed the plate to her so that she stops picking food from my plate. she got extremely angry and walked out of the restaurant.
when we got home, she said that i made her feel like a glutton by giving her a separate plate. she's not talking to me now
aita?
| 5,228 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ty29p3/aita_for_splitting_my_food_into_2_plates/
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2022-04-07 02:03:21
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nta. nobody, spouse or not, should be eating off your plate without your permission. it’s rude. period.
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nta.
you set your boundaries, and those boundaries did not include "not sharing".
stick to your guns on this. i know she's pregnant but that doesn't mean you have to be a doormat.
it seems like you communicated well enough, so keep up the good communication, but don't apologize for anything and keep enforcing your very reasonable boundaries.
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nta
"if its not a big deal why can't you stop doing it when you know it bothers me this much?"
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>i've explained my feelings to her but she says it's not a big deal and that spouses should always share food with each other.
she doesn't get to dictate how you need to feel about something nta
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nta.
the correct answer is "joey doesn't share food."
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nta that is rude af to me. me and my husband don't mind offering each other taste, but to keep eating the food i chose would infuriate me. i ordered what i got bc i'm hungry. you offered her solutions and she's being a bit of a brat about it.
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nta. this is coming from someone who had back-to-back pregnancies with food cravings that made me want to murderize everyone in my line of sight. you set your boundaries, you sounded like you were very understanding of her feelings while enforcing them. i would hope that, giving her the benefit of the doubt, she was just pregnancy hangry and she’ll come back and apologize later. but from what you’ve written here, it sounds like you handled it really well.
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nta. pregnant or not, picking off of someone's plate is rude. a fetus doesn't give you an automatic pass on manners nor bulldozing someone's feelings.
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nta
i am pregnant and still have control over my manners. i will ask my bf for a bite if i think something looks good but i ask and if you have made it clear you dont like it then she needs to be respectful.
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nta
it sounds like you’ve tried to explain to her why it bothers you and you are still willing to share.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i and my wife have been married for 4 years. she's 26 weeks pregnant now. recently, she's started to pick food off my plate whenever we go out to eat. the thing is i really don't mind sharing food with others i just don't like it when someone puts their hand/fork/spoon into my plate. i feel like i'm in a competition and i've to eat fast or i'll not get to eat enough food. i've explained my feelings to her but she says it's not a big deal and that spouses should always share food with each other. today, we had gone out to dinner. while ordering, i asked her if she wants me to order the same for her but she said no. she ordered a different thing for herself. when the good arrived, she took a bite of my food to see how it tastes. she said it's really good and started eating off my plate. i offered to let her eat my food and that i'd take her plate of food but she said no and that she wanted just a bit of my food. she didn't eat a lot of my food tbh but as i was eating, she kept picking food off my plate. at one point i got frustrated and asked the waiter for an empty plate. i took half of my food from my plate and put it on that extra plate and handed the plate to her so that she stops picking food from my plate. she got extremely angry and walked out of the restaurant. when we got home, she said that i made her feel like a glutton by giving her a separate plate. she's not talking to me now aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i and my wife have been married for 4 years. she's 26 weeks pregnant now. recently, she's started to pick food off my plate whenever we go out to eat. the thing is i really don't mind sharing food with others i just don't like it when someone puts their hand/fork/spoon into my plate. i feel like i'm in a competition and i've to eat fast or i'll not get to eat enough food. i've explained my feelings to her but she says it's not a big deal and that spouses should always share food with each other. today, we had gone out to dinner. while ordering, i asked her if she wants me to order the same for her but she said no. she ordered a different thing for herself. when the good arrived, she took a bite of my food to see how it tastes. she said it's really good and started eating off my plate. i offered to let her eat my food and that i'd take her plate of food but she said no and that she wanted just a bit of my food. she didn't eat a lot of my food tbh but as i was eating, she kept picking food off my plate. at one point i got frustrated and asked the waiter for an empty plate. i took half of my food from my plate and put it on that extra plate and handed the plate to her so that she stops picking food from my plate. she got extremely angry and walked out of the restaurant. when we got home, she said that i made her feel like a glutton by giving her a separate plate. she's not talking to me now aita? [/INST] nta. nobody, spouse or not, should be eating off your plate without your permission. it’s rude. period. </s>
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AITA for calling my mom out for not being there for me as a kid
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my parents both worked a shit ton when i was a kid. like 60 hours a week, each. i spent all my time in after school programs because my mom didn’t have the time to pick me up, or be a room mom, or do any of that stuff. i told my mom recently that i tucking hate her for never being there for me. she said she was sorry but then she called me sexist because my dad also wasn’t there, but my dad was doing as he should to provide and my mother did not nurture me as she should. my dad was working so much that my mom didn’t need to work too, she did it for herself instead of thinking of me and what i needed. i am not speaking to her currently because of her response. am i the asshole for cutting her out for her behavior?
| 1,171 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bvt683/aita_for_calling_my_mom_out_for_not_being_there/
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2019-06-02 03:20:04
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yta:
bills, rent, food, clothes, internet ain't free. 60 hours a week is brutal.
dad works = that's fine he's "doing as he should"
mom works = you didn't nurture me!
your mom busted her ass and worked. both parents could and should work (and also be there for their kids) but obviously neither seemed to have done that yet you have a problem with only one and tell them that 'you fucking hate them' and call them out?
you're lucky you weren't homeless on the street. ungrateful child.
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yta. that is a sexist thing to say. parenting is a partnership when both parents can participate. maybe your dad has more earning potential, but there’s potentially a lot more to this that we don’t know from your post. perhaps your mom never wanted a child, and only did because your dad wanted one?
maybe she worked because it was her dream or passion to? maybe you think she didn’t need to, but that extra money supplemented the household income enough to provide for you all.
anyways, calling her out alone does seem awfully one sided. and really it just sounds like you omitted a ton of surrounding drama and info because it doesn’t make you sound like the victim or something.
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yta
if both your parents were working 60+ hours a week, has it not occurred to you that they needed to?
>my dad was working so much that my mom didn’t need to work too, she did it for herself instead of thinking of me and what i needed.
you know their finances, you know that for sure?
>she said she was sorry but then she called me sexist because my dad also wasn’t there, but my dad was doing as he should to provide and my mother did not nurture me as she should.
this *is* sexist.
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yta for being ridiculously sexist and spoiled:
1. you keep saying your dad is a doctor so your mom shouldn't have to work. but your dad being a doctor does not mean that your mom wants to stay at home and do nothing.
2. to go along with 1, you seem to think that women should stay home and live for the happiness of their children. guess what, we don't only exist to pop out babies.
3. they both worked a lot. your dad could have worked less too. but apparently only women can nurture.
4. you are deliberately not telling us what your mom does for a living. you don't think it's valuable. maybe her job pays just as much as your dads. maybe she has degrees and schooling that she wants to put to good use.
5. you implied that you did not have your needs fulfilled. you had food, shelter, clothing, and you've had plenty of opportunities at school that many kids can only dream about. try to be grateful.
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yta: show some respect for your parents and like you said she was was working 60 hours a week.
your mum working 60 hours a week is to help look after your family and cover all the costs. i doubt anyone would ever want to work that much. you sound like a brat.
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yta. i am so unbelievably pissed about this. both your parents worked and provided for you. but somehow, your dad was doing what he should....and your mom has somehow ruined you for not being there for you. how about thanking your parents for providing for you.
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i'm going to go against the grain and say esh.
first of all why you suck: you're an entitled brat. no two ways about it. you obviously grew up pretty privileged. dad's a doctor, double income family. could of things you need to realize though: not all doctors make a ton of money and most doctors are in student debt will into their 30s unless they're parents paid for school for them. med school is expensive. so they may have needed that second income and you just weren't aware that it was needed. also even if they didn't need the money, working makes some parents better parents because the time away from their kids helps them to appreciate the time with their kids more.
why do your parents suck? they managed to raise an misogynistic spoiled entitled brat despite having a lot of resources at their disposal. like seriously, you're over the top.
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yta and spoiled. see how many times in this you talk about yourself.
>****my**** parents both worked a shit ton when ****i**** was a kid. like 60 hours a week, each. ****i**** spent all ****my**** time in after school programs because ****my**** mom didn’t have the time to pick ****me**** up, or be a room mom, or do any of that stuff. ****i**** told ****my**** mom recently that ****i**** tucking hate her for never being there for ****me****. she said she was sorry but then she called ****me**** sexist because ****my**** dad also wasn’t there, but ****my**** dad was doing as he should to provide and ****my**** mother did not nurture ****me**** as she should. ****my**** dad was working so much that ****my**** mom didn’t need to work too, she did it for herself instead of thinking of ****me**** and what ****i**** needed. ****i**** am not speaking to her currently because of her response. am i the asshole for cutting her out for her behavior?
you do realize she is a human being right? not someone here just to serve you?
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yta. and based on your multiple responses to comments i can see why your mom didn’t want to spend any time with you. jesus.
you keep saying that your dad made the money to provide but clearly that’s not the case. she worked because she had to.
do you have any idea how expensive kids are and homes and student loans and utilities and everything else is?
seriously. stop whining. it’s not a good look.
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yta. just because your dad is a doctor doesn't mean your mom didn't need to work. for all you know they had massive debts (like student loans for your dad) to pay off. you don't actually know their financial situation, you're just making assumptions and you're being incredibly selfish. accept your judgement or delete your post, you know the damn rules.
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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ESH
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
| 0.000375 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my parents both worked a shit ton when i was a kid. like 60 hours a week, each. i spent all my time in after school programs because my mom didn’t have the time to pick me up, or be a room mom, or do any of that stuff. i told my mom recently that i tucking hate her for never being there for me. she said she was sorry but then she called me sexist because my dad also wasn’t there, but my dad was doing as he should to provide and my mother did not nurture me as she should. my dad was working so much that my mom didn’t need to work too, she did it for herself instead of thinking of me and what i needed. i am not speaking to her currently because of her response. am i the asshole for cutting her out for her behavior?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
my parents both worked a shit ton when i was a kid. like 60 hours a week, each. i spent all my time in after school programs because my mom didn’t have the time to pick me up, or be a room mom, or do any of that stuff. i told my mom recently that i tucking hate her for never being there for me. she said she was sorry but then she called me sexist because my dad also wasn’t there, but my dad was doing as he should to provide and my mother did not nurture me as she should. my dad was working so much that my mom didn’t need to work too, she did it for herself instead of thinking of me and what i needed. i am not speaking to her currently because of her response. am i the asshole for cutting her out for her behavior? [/INST] yta: bills, rent, food, clothes, internet ain't free. 60 hours a week is brutal. dad works = that's fine he's "doing as he should" mom works = you didn't nurture me! your mom busted her ass and worked. both parents could and should work (and also be there for their kids) but obviously neither seemed to have done that yet you have a problem with only one and tell them that 'you fucking hate them' and call them out? you're lucky you weren't homeless on the street. ungrateful child. </s>
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AITA for shutting my sister out after she told our mom something I admitted to her in confidence?
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my sister (15f) and i (16f) lost our dad 8 years ago. 4 years ago our mom remarried. her husband came with two kids of his own (11m) and (7f) and they have a baby together (4mo m). i admitted to my sister a while ago that i hadn't been on board when our mom first told us she was getting married again, and that i really only accept it for her, but not for me. i admitted i don't love them or see them the same as i see her, mom or dad. and that i will probably always be detached because this is not the way i would have ever chosen my family to me. but i don't want to ruin mom's happiness. i admitted this to her because my sister always suspected. she noticed differences. remembered how i would always invite her into my bed when she had nightmares vs not really doing anything like that if one of our stepsiblings did. or how i am affectionate with her and not them or our half brother. and how i never really tell our mom's husband anything about me like i do mom, and how most stuff comes through her to him. she pressed and i was honest. i told her not to tell them because it didn't need to be a big deal. she promised she wouldn't.
well, she told our mom. pretty much everything. and then my mom decided the three of us (me, her and her husband) need family therapy so they can figure out a way to get me to welcome them into my heart the way she wants me to. and now i'm stuck in family therapy with them trying to achieve a goal i don't want to achieve.
and i am so pissed off with my sister. she told me she did it so we could be one big happy family and i told her she betrayed my trust and she can never ever expect me to come to her again because i know she won't keep a promise to herself. she was upset and now she's even more upset because i am not the same with her anymore. the way i look at it is she broke my trust when i wasn't going to tell her anyway, but then she pushed and then promised to keep it and she didn't. my mom told me i'm being mean and that my sister did the right thing telling her. she told me i should have been open with her so we could have done therapy together sooner. i told her i never wanted to go to therapy with them and i didn't want this big deal being made out of it. she told me that regardless, i shouldn't shut my sister out and it's hurtful and mean.
aita?
| 16,625 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/nrikjy/aita_for_shutting_my_sister_out_after_she_told/
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2021-06-03 17:12:12
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nta
your mother and your sister are for trying to force something.
take a try at therapy and see if you can find a happy spot for you and if it doesn't work you need to show your mother that if she didn't realize for over 4 years, it means that you are respectful to the rest of your family and you have preferences and that isn't a bad thing.
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nta, but be honest in therapy. the therapist may be able to set your mom straight about not being able to force family feelings.
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nah.
you’re 16 and your sister is 15. i am not going to insult your intelligence or maturity by pointing out how young you both are but please keep that in mind.
you sound mature for your age, and your sister sounds like a 15 year old trying to understand the dynamic of what’s going on and looked to her big sister. she was misguided and wrong for what she did, but not malicious. your anger isn’t wrong or not warranted but use that advanced maturity for some perspective. your mom and step dad are whatever, deal with the therapy but be clear that you don’t want to be there. your sister on the other hand deserves a hug and a talk about how you and her are a team and need to have each others back. she didn’t do something to hurt you, she thought, with her 15 yr. old brain that she was actually helping.
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nah. you do need therapy. you all do. that doesn't mean it's okay to betray each other's trust or force someone to do something they don't want. it's also not cool to let your preferential treatment cause emotional damage to your step and half family. you and your sister are both very young and still learning what is and isn't okay. this is a complicated situation. your sister recognized preferential treatment which is likely to cause damage to your other siblings, especially if they see you in full as a sister. she was worried for you and about losing you if you were to turn your back on the family as an adult later on, which is approaching fast. it could also influence your sister's perspective on those family members. that baby is likely to grow up admiring you and being heartbroken that you don't care, and they'll eventually pick up on it the same way your sister did. your step siblings may not have picked up on it yet, but retrospection is a bitch and a blessing. there are better ways to handle this all the way around, but everyone makes mistakes. family therapy would help everyone properly come to a mutual understanding, but again this should be a choice
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nta -being betrayed sucks. you don't have to trust anyone, let alone someone who proved themselves untrustworthy.
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wow. i’m sorry op. nta and i don’t blame you for feeling like she broke your trust because that’s exactly what she did. i think they’re well meaning but you can’t force someone to feel something they don’t and it sounds like you were treating everyone respectfully. relationships take time and they’re going about this by pushing you. i’m sorry. i don’t have advice - therapy may be good but individual therapy not group.
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nah.
look, you're 16 and your sister is 15. i totally see a scenario where you interpret things into being forced to love your step family and you feel you were perfectly happy before, but that may not be the case.
your sister noticed things. she may not be the only one. you may seem unhappy and you may be actively hurting your step family. you don't have to love them but if you're especially cold and distant when you don't have to be, yes, you may need some family therapy for your sake and the rest of your family.
just be clear in your own needs in therapy. no competent therapist will even think they can make you love your family. you are obviously unhappy, so take advantage of this to be honest with your own feelings because up until now, you've admitted you've been sacrificing them for your mother's sake.
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nta. there is nothing wrong with how you feel. your mom and stepdad should not be validating their feelings by invalidating yours.
your sister broke your trust and a promise she made to you. you don’t have to forgive her and it doesn’t make you an asshole if you don’t. it’s up to you when you trust her again (if ever) and up to her to prove to you she’s trustworthy. your sister and family don’t get to dictate your feelings or timeline for acceptance. you were also already “one big happy family” before your sister meddled. you were fine with your step-family in your own way and respected them. it also doesn’t seem that anyone was complaining or bothered about your behavior before your sister’s confession.
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nah
op, i think it's important for you to understand that it's not wrong for your sibling to want a big happy family. or for your mom to want her daughter to accept her siblings.
it's understandable that you're angry at the situation, your sisters actions were wrong but honestly they're mostly misguided.
i understand that you don't want to go to family therapy but it would really help you to give it a chance and explore why you feel the way you feel. and if at the end of it, you still do not want the family then you're anyway going to move out soon and it won't be an issue.
also, considering that your sister caught up with the difference in your behaviour towards your step siblings, it's very likely that they will too, so please try to be mindful of that.
i am so sorry for your loss and i really wish the best for you.
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nta. there wasn’t anything wrong with your feelings, and your mom and sister are ta for trying to force this on you. it’s completely understandable why you’d be wary of confiding in your sister again. she used something you told her in confidence to manipulate you into getting the family she wants.
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NTA
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NTA
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NAH
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
| 0.009798 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my sister (15f) and i (16f) lost our dad 8 years ago. 4 years ago our mom remarried. her husband came with two kids of his own (11m) and (7f) and they have a baby together (4mo m). i admitted to my sister a while ago that i hadn't been on board when our mom first told us she was getting married again, and that i really only accept it for her, but not for me. i admitted i don't love them or see them the same as i see her, mom or dad. and that i will probably always be detached because this is not the way i would have ever chosen my family to me. but i don't want to ruin mom's happiness. i admitted this to her because my sister always suspected. she noticed differences. remembered how i would always invite her into my bed when she had nightmares vs not really doing anything like that if one of our stepsiblings did. or how i am affectionate with her and not them or our half brother. and how i never really tell our mom's husband anything about me like i do mom, and how most stuff comes through her to him. she pressed and i was honest. i told her not to tell them because it didn't need to be a big deal. she promised she wouldn't. well, she told our mom. pretty much everything. and then my mom decided the three of us (me, her and her husband) need family therapy so they can figure out a way to get me to welcome them into my heart the way she wants me to. and now i'm stuck in family therapy with them trying to achieve a goal i don't want to achieve. and i am so pissed off with my sister. she told me she did it so we could be one big happy family and i told her she betrayed my trust and she can never ever expect me to come to her again because i know she won't keep a promise to herself. she was upset and now she's even more upset because i am not the same with her anymore. the way i look at it is she broke my trust when i wasn't going to tell her anyway, but then she pushed and then promised to keep it and she didn't. my mom told me i'm being mean and that my sister did the right thing telling her. she told me i should have been open with her so we could have done therapy together sooner. i told her i never wanted to go to therapy with them and i didn't want this big deal being made out of it. she told me that regardless, i shouldn't shut my sister out and it's hurtful and mean. aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
my sister (15f) and i (16f) lost our dad 8 years ago. 4 years ago our mom remarried. her husband came with two kids of his own (11m) and (7f) and they have a baby together (4mo m). i admitted to my sister a while ago that i hadn't been on board when our mom first told us she was getting married again, and that i really only accept it for her, but not for me. i admitted i don't love them or see them the same as i see her, mom or dad. and that i will probably always be detached because this is not the way i would have ever chosen my family to me. but i don't want to ruin mom's happiness. i admitted this to her because my sister always suspected. she noticed differences. remembered how i would always invite her into my bed when she had nightmares vs not really doing anything like that if one of our stepsiblings did. or how i am affectionate with her and not them or our half brother. and how i never really tell our mom's husband anything about me like i do mom, and how most stuff comes through her to him. she pressed and i was honest. i told her not to tell them because it didn't need to be a big deal. she promised she wouldn't. well, she told our mom. pretty much everything. and then my mom decided the three of us (me, her and her husband) need family therapy so they can figure out a way to get me to welcome them into my heart the way she wants me to. and now i'm stuck in family therapy with them trying to achieve a goal i don't want to achieve. and i am so pissed off with my sister. she told me she did it so we could be one big happy family and i told her she betrayed my trust and she can never ever expect me to come to her again because i know she won't keep a promise to herself. she was upset and now she's even more upset because i am not the same with her anymore. the way i look at it is she broke my trust when i wasn't going to tell her anyway, but then she pushed and then promised to keep it and she didn't. my mom told me i'm being mean and that my sister did the right thing telling her. she told me i should have been open with her so we could have done therapy together sooner. i told her i never wanted to go to therapy with them and i didn't want this big deal being made out of it. she told me that regardless, i shouldn't shut my sister out and it's hurtful and mean. aita? [/INST] nta your mother and your sister are for trying to force something. take a try at therapy and see if you can find a happy spot for you and if it doesn't work you need to show your mother that if she didn't realize for over 4 years, it means that you are respectful to the rest of your family and you have preferences and that isn't a bad thing. </s>
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AITA for “tattling” on my coworker to our boss?
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so i have a coworker who is about 4 months pregnant. she transferred to the location i have worked out for 8 months about a month and a half ago. when she first arrived she basically rubbed it in everyone’s faces that the owner told her she could take breaks because she’s “preggers” (yes, she actually used that word and i cringed because she also used a catty voice). so ever since then every shift her and i have worked together (4/7 days of the week) she has taken a break that was 10min+. there was never clarifying from her on how long her breaks could be or if she had to clock out.
today was the day i snapped and finally decided i needed to ask my boss about if she needed to clock out and here’s why. she took a break at 2 because one of the cooks asked her to go get him starbucks (in the same parking lot) and about 10min later she comes back inside while talking to someone on her phone. we had gotten a line so i called her from the back saying i needed her help. she helped pass out orders as ready orders started to pile up (which is why i called her to the front as it was only her and i there to do it). as soon as the line is gone she goes straight to the back and gets on a phone call with the same person again. i go the back and act like i am on my phone for a quick min to listen and see if it’s an important call since she called right back again (which i would’ve had absolutely no problem with, emergencies happen). as i listen i figure out she’s talking to a friend about how her day is going. so instead of working since she has been on the clock this whole time she is having a chat on the phone with a friend just because. the cook comes back and tells her it’s been 20min she needs to get off the phone and work. she makes the comment of “oh really? well the fist 10min don’t count because i went to starbucks for (coworker).” and she starts to laugh. at this point i got mad and said “yes it does. there’s no reason for you to be gone that long.” she looks at me and rudely says “obviously i know that, i’ll get off the phone.” i ended up clocking out of my shift not too much later and sent a message to my boss asking if she needs to clock out during her breaks.
the conversation basically revealed him almost saying without saying it that he didn’t know she was taking breaks, and when i explained what happened today he said that was not ok and that he would be looking at the cameras in the morning.
aita for “tattling” on my coworker?
| 201 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/fhplo9/aita_for_tattling_on_my_coworker_to_our_boss/
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2020-03-12 23:08:44
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nta-if they’re doing something they’re not supposed to, while affecting everyone else, it wouldn’t be an a-hole.
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nta. she's abusing the leniency that she was given due to her condition.
also, at 4 months pregnant, her ass doesn't need any accommodations yet. the first trimester, sure you're tired and pukey, but second trimester you get to feel like a human again. third trimester, she's likely going to need a load of accommodations and will regret crying wolf so early in her pregnancy.
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nta
i'm a mother of three, and had gestational diabetes early on with baby #3
i was allowed to take my breaks based on when i needed to eat (the diet with gd is very strict) and it was awful. but this woman is 100% using her pregnancy as an excuse to get paid for sitting around. if she's on break, she needs to be clocked out.
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nta the rest of you have been doing her work when she's been on her breaks pretty much...
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nta.
the definition of “tattling” i’ve always heard is reporting something that had minimal impact for the primary purpose of getting that person in trouble, rather than to stop the specific behavior. i see how an argument could be made for this being one of those cases, but if her “breaks” are frequent enough that it’s shifting extra work on to you and others, it’s not harmless anymore.
i’ve never been pregnant, so i can’t speak for certainty, but it sounds like she’s taking advantage of her pregnant status to avoid work, rather than taking necessary accommodations. walking to starbucks is *definitely* not an acceptable way to take a “break” while on the clock. using this as an excuse is indirectly detrimental to any future pregnant women who will now be subject to doubt and scrutiny as to the necessity of their breaks.
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nta
she's blatantly abusing the system because she thinks she can get away with it because she's pregnant.
where i work if you're taking any breaks you have to mark yourself as being on break. if you're pregnant you get more leniency for bathroom breaks and such but they'll still make sure you're not taking the piss.
which she obviously is.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so i have a coworker who is about 4 months pregnant. she transferred to the location i have worked out for 8 months about a month and a half ago. when she first arrived she basically rubbed it in everyone’s faces that the owner told her she could take breaks because she’s “preggers” (yes, she actually used that word and i cringed because she also used a catty voice). so ever since then every shift her and i have worked together (4/7 days of the week) she has taken a break that was 10min+. there was never clarifying from her on how long her breaks could be or if she had to clock out. today was the day i snapped and finally decided i needed to ask my boss about if she needed to clock out and here’s why. she took a break at 2 because one of the cooks asked her to go get him starbucks (in the same parking lot) and about 10min later she comes back inside while talking to someone on her phone. we had gotten a line so i called her from the back saying i needed her help. she helped pass out orders as ready orders started to pile up (which is why i called her to the front as it was only her and i there to do it). as soon as the line is gone she goes straight to the back and gets on a phone call with the same person again. i go the back and act like i am on my phone for a quick min to listen and see if it’s an important call since she called right back again (which i would’ve had absolutely no problem with, emergencies happen). as i listen i figure out she’s talking to a friend about how her day is going. so instead of working since she has been on the clock this whole time she is having a chat on the phone with a friend just because. the cook comes back and tells her it’s been 20min she needs to get off the phone and work. she makes the comment of “oh really? well the fist 10min don’t count because i went to starbucks for (coworker).” and she starts to laugh. at this point i got mad and said “yes it does. there’s no reason for you to be gone that long.” she looks at me and rudely says “obviously i know that, i’ll get off the phone.” i ended up clocking out of my shift not too much later and sent a message to my boss asking if she needs to clock out during her breaks. the conversation basically revealed him almost saying without saying it that he didn’t know she was taking breaks, and when i explained what happened today he said that was not ok and that he would be looking at the cameras in the morning. aita for “tattling” on my coworker?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
so i have a coworker who is about 4 months pregnant. she transferred to the location i have worked out for 8 months about a month and a half ago. when she first arrived she basically rubbed it in everyone’s faces that the owner told her she could take breaks because she’s “preggers” (yes, she actually used that word and i cringed because she also used a catty voice). so ever since then every shift her and i have worked together (4/7 days of the week) she has taken a break that was 10min+. there was never clarifying from her on how long her breaks could be or if she had to clock out. today was the day i snapped and finally decided i needed to ask my boss about if she needed to clock out and here’s why. she took a break at 2 because one of the cooks asked her to go get him starbucks (in the same parking lot) and about 10min later she comes back inside while talking to someone on her phone. we had gotten a line so i called her from the back saying i needed her help. she helped pass out orders as ready orders started to pile up (which is why i called her to the front as it was only her and i there to do it). as soon as the line is gone she goes straight to the back and gets on a phone call with the same person again. i go the back and act like i am on my phone for a quick min to listen and see if it’s an important call since she called right back again (which i would’ve had absolutely no problem with, emergencies happen). as i listen i figure out she’s talking to a friend about how her day is going. so instead of working since she has been on the clock this whole time she is having a chat on the phone with a friend just because. the cook comes back and tells her it’s been 20min she needs to get off the phone and work. she makes the comment of “oh really? well the fist 10min don’t count because i went to starbucks for (coworker).” and she starts to laugh. at this point i got mad and said “yes it does. there’s no reason for you to be gone that long.” she looks at me and rudely says “obviously i know that, i’ll get off the phone.” i ended up clocking out of my shift not too much later and sent a message to my boss asking if she needs to clock out during her breaks. the conversation basically revealed him almost saying without saying it that he didn’t know she was taking breaks, and when i explained what happened today he said that was not ok and that he would be looking at the cameras in the morning. aita for “tattling” on my coworker? [/INST] nta-if they’re doing something they’re not supposed to, while affecting everyone else, it wouldn’t be an a-hole. </s>
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AITA for serving my boyfriend's parents pizza for dinner?
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hi. so this happened last night. i'm still hella confused by this whole thing.
so, i f28 have been dating my boyfriend m31 for 7 months. his family are of italian origins and they take a lot of pride in it.
they invited me over to their house several times. last night, his parents came over to the apt for the first time. they said they were visiting a friend and decided to stop by for dinner. i freaked out when they said dinner because it was late, and i was working and had no time to cook. so i ordered pizza for all of us.
the second his parents saw the pizza they got pissed. his dad gave me a nasty stare then said that i "intentionally" served them pizza just because they were "italians" in other words he claimed i was mocking them and their food and assuming that just cause they're italian then they'd only eat italian food which he called "racist". i was confused i said i didn't think it was interepreted that way but he said "if you have asian guests over do you serve them susi? how would you like if we only serve you macdonalds and fries every time you visit since that's what americans eat?" i was stunned by his words. basically, he was saying that just because they're italian then i shouldn't assume they'd like to have pizza but...who doesn't like pizza?. he and my boyfriend's mom got up and said they wanted to leave. my boyfriend tried to get them to stay and take it easy but they left eventually. he blew up saying i messed by serving them pizza and "insulting them indirectly" he told me to call and apologize but i said no and that i didn't have time to cook anything after they showed up unexpectedly. he got more upset and asked if his parents needed permission to visit *him* i backed off thinking he'd call down. nut he kept saying i insulted his parents and i need to apologize.
i'm utterly and genuinly confused. aita,?
| 19,576 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xr7f2d/aita_for_serving_my_boyfriends_parents_pizza_for/
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2022-09-29 13:08:05
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nta. i mean, if your boyfriend was so upset that his parents got pizza, why didn't he cook for them?
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nta
it sounds like they were looking for a reason to be upset.
when people don't have time to cook, they order pizza. your guests being of italian origin makes no difference, and they are just being assholes
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pro tip:
him: my parents/friends/colleagues have just dropped by for dinner!
you: cool, what are you cooking?
beginning and end of it.
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nta
ordering out for pizza is as "american" as it gets. they were just looking for an excuse to be insulted.
anyway, why was it your responsibility to order dinner? your boyfriend was there, and they're *his* parents; *he* should have been responsible for providing dinner.
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nta! why didn’t your boyfriend prepare dinner for his parents? they decided to stop by last minute “uninvited” for dinner.
your boyfriend and his parents are tas.
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nta—there are a lot of red flags here.
1. why was it assumed to be your responsibility to arrange dinner for his parents?
2. why do his parents believe it’s ok to stop by unexpectedly and on top of that, that dinner would be provided?
3. why didn’t your boyfriend stand up for you and tell his parents that when they stop by with no notice they should expect something easy (like pizza)?
4. he yelled at you after they left instead of apologizing for them stopping by unannounced and then getting angry with you.
get out now. it will only get worse from here.
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literal marinara flags!
nta. i'm italian and a chicagoan to boot, so i have feelings about pizza. the only way someone ordering me a pizza could be insulting would be if they put pineapple on it.
(i kid, i'll eat pretty much anything)
bf's parents suck and it probably won't get much better. if they are so proudly italian they might be way more involved in his life than you realize. sometimes that's great! but these parents? oof.
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nta-
also italian isn't a race so you can't be "racist". also unless they were born in italy, they are not italian they are (insert whatever country they are in).
also your boyfriend is a jerk-off. he's a 31 year old but still has to protect mommy and daddy?
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nta why didn’t your boyfriend make his parents dinner if he’s so worried about it? ordering pizza for unexpected dinner guests is pretty normal. his parents sound exhausting. marina flag.
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please tell me after only 7 months you aren’t living with this asshole.
nta.
he and his parents are rude af though.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: hi. so this happened last night. i'm still hella confused by this whole thing. so, i f28 have been dating my boyfriend m31 for 7 months. his family are of italian origins and they take a lot of pride in it. they invited me over to their house several times. last night, his parents came over to the apt for the first time. they said they were visiting a friend and decided to stop by for dinner. i freaked out when they said dinner because it was late, and i was working and had no time to cook. so i ordered pizza for all of us. the second his parents saw the pizza they got pissed. his dad gave me a nasty stare then said that i "intentionally" served them pizza just because they were "italians" in other words he claimed i was mocking them and their food and assuming that just cause they're italian then they'd only eat italian food which he called "racist". i was confused i said i didn't think it was interepreted that way but he said "if you have asian guests over do you serve them susi? how would you like if we only serve you macdonalds and fries every time you visit since that's what americans eat?" i was stunned by his words. basically, he was saying that just because they're italian then i shouldn't assume they'd like to have pizza but...who doesn't like pizza?. he and my boyfriend's mom got up and said they wanted to leave. my boyfriend tried to get them to stay and take it easy but they left eventually. he blew up saying i messed by serving them pizza and "insulting them indirectly" he told me to call and apologize but i said no and that i didn't have time to cook anything after they showed up unexpectedly. he got more upset and asked if his parents needed permission to visit *him* i backed off thinking he'd call down. nut he kept saying i insulted his parents and i need to apologize. i'm utterly and genuinly confused. aita,?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
hi. so this happened last night. i'm still hella confused by this whole thing. so, i f28 have been dating my boyfriend m31 for 7 months. his family are of italian origins and they take a lot of pride in it. they invited me over to their house several times. last night, his parents came over to the apt for the first time. they said they were visiting a friend and decided to stop by for dinner. i freaked out when they said dinner because it was late, and i was working and had no time to cook. so i ordered pizza for all of us. the second his parents saw the pizza they got pissed. his dad gave me a nasty stare then said that i "intentionally" served them pizza just because they were "italians" in other words he claimed i was mocking them and their food and assuming that just cause they're italian then they'd only eat italian food which he called "racist". i was confused i said i didn't think it was interepreted that way but he said "if you have asian guests over do you serve them susi? how would you like if we only serve you macdonalds and fries every time you visit since that's what americans eat?" i was stunned by his words. basically, he was saying that just because they're italian then i shouldn't assume they'd like to have pizza but...who doesn't like pizza?. he and my boyfriend's mom got up and said they wanted to leave. my boyfriend tried to get them to stay and take it easy but they left eventually. he blew up saying i messed by serving them pizza and "insulting them indirectly" he told me to call and apologize but i said no and that i didn't have time to cook anything after they showed up unexpectedly. he got more upset and asked if his parents needed permission to visit *him* i backed off thinking he'd call down. nut he kept saying i insulted his parents and i need to apologize. i'm utterly and genuinly confused. aita,? [/INST] nta. i mean, if your boyfriend was so upset that his parents got pizza, why didn't he cook for them? </s>
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AITA for not asking the bride's permission cut my hair into a pixie crop?
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i'm not going to lie, my cousin mallory and i didn't have a good relationship growing up. i had leukemia as a kid, and she always resented me for getting all the attention from our relatives for it. i tried to maintain a good relationship in our teens and in adulthood, but she was not interested in reciprocating. it hurt and i still feel guilty that i had a hand in ruining her childhood, but there's nothing i can do fix it. whatever i do is never good enough for her. so i guess i just gave up.
mallory is getting married in june. she told me straight up not to expect me being a bridesmaid since she doesn't want me in the limelight. i understand. it sucks, especially since our sisters and cousins all have roles, but i get where she is coming from. i'm still welcome to attend the wedding though. so there's that.
onto today's problem. i do cosplay as a hobby, primarily for a certain series about a wizard school. there's a new movie coming out, and me and my friends want to cosplay as the characters when we go see it. i normally cosplay as this one character, and in the new movie she has platinum blonde hair. i didn't see the point in spending money on a wig i'd never wear again so i thought i'd bleach my hair. plus i hate wearing wigs in general and try to avoid them when i can. bad idea. terrible, stupid idea. the dye fried my hair and now i'm back to having a really short pixie crop.
mallory saw the pics of my new hair cut on instagram and blew up my voice mail. she swore at me and cursed at me for doing that to my hair. basically, "how dare [i] do that before her wedding. [i] just couldn't resist the idea of upstaging her and getting all the attention on [me]." first off, it was a mistake on my part and i wholly, truthfully regret it. and also, i didn't want to cut my hair off in the first place. it was the last resort after all attempts to save it failed. not to mention, i'm not in the wedding party. i'm just the cousin who wouldn't be in any pictures if mallory has a say in it. i'd just be another guest off to the side. i know my new haircut is extreme, but we've all seen me sans hair already.
my mum and aunts (bless her) says that mallory is just being out of line. i don't need to ask her permission to change my hair since i'm just a guest, not a bridesmaid or anything. but my sisters and our cousins are on her side and say i should have asked her permission for doing what i did to my hair.
at this point, maybe i should just not go to the wedding. mallory would probably prefer it that way.
aita for not asking mallory, as the bride's, permission to cut my hair into a pixie crop before her wedding?
| 4,686 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tue12c/aita_for_not_asking_the_brides_permission_cut_my/
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2022-04-02 08:24:55
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nta, and mallory is bat sh\*t crazy (all the time by the sound of it) and is being a prime example of a bridezilla right now.
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scrolled down here to comment as soon as i read when you said you ruined her childhood.
you did not ruin her childhood! did you choose to become sick? did you choose for people to care about you? please don't ever think that. her behaviour and attitude is on her!!
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nta
i don’t understand bridezillas in general but she sounds unhinged to begin with. you had cancer and she hated you for the attention you got…and you feel guilty? i get kids being jealous and not fully grasping certain situations but she’s a grown ass woman now. she sounds like an extremely unhappy person who takes it out on you and god knows who else.
i don’t even know you and i want to literally fight all these people for you. why? because you are being so hard on yourself for no reason other than you have shitty people in your life (not everyone but definitely her and the weirdos saying you shouldn’t have cut your hair). please please please stop being so hard on yourself. it’s your hair. you don’t need permission from anyone to do what you want with it.
personally i’m an ah so i would go to the wedding because i’m petty. but i think if going to the wedding is too stressful for you or if you just don’t want to be around her (god knows you have every right to stay the fuck away from that monster), then don’t go.
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>she told me straight up not to expect me being a bridesmaid since she doesn't want me in the limelight.
she can just screw herself right up a coconut tree, is what she can do.
nta and i would not even give her the grace of attendance. your hair is just that. yours. you don't need to pass anything by her.
pfft "i don't want you to be a bridesmaid". why did she even feel the need to bring it up?
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nta. asking the bride for permission to get a haircut is not a thing, especially if you aren’t in the wedding party.
i get that being overlooked as a kid can mess you up - but her blame is misplaced. that, and almost everybody gets messed up by something in their childhood. it isn’t a valid reason to maliciously single somebody out as an adult.
*she* is the person who is making her wedding about you by focusing so much on this nonsense. if she really thinks that all of her loved ones will ignore her on her wedding day because somebody has short hair, then she has way bigger problems than you anyway.
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okay here i was thinking i’d come here and you’d done this maybe a week before the wedding and you were in the bridal party.. maybe after hair and make-up trials? otherwise how on earth could you be the ah for this?!
clear cut nta. maybe some coupons for a decent therapist as a wedding gift?
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wtf of course nta
your cousin has personal issues she needs to work through on her own, it’s not your responsibility cater to her attention complex
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nta i’m not sure why she even invited others’ if she’s that insecure she thinks a haircut is enough to upstage a wedding wtf
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she's getting married in june.
april jut started.
i mean, she wouldn't be in the right even if it was the day before her wedding but like. how long does she think she gets special bride privileges???
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nta and your sisters and cousins are awful. being a bride doesn’t give her control over her guests’ hair. that’s weird, entitled, and massively rude.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i'm not going to lie, my cousin mallory and i didn't have a good relationship growing up. i had leukemia as a kid, and she always resented me for getting all the attention from our relatives for it. i tried to maintain a good relationship in our teens and in adulthood, but she was not interested in reciprocating. it hurt and i still feel guilty that i had a hand in ruining her childhood, but there's nothing i can do fix it. whatever i do is never good enough for her. so i guess i just gave up. mallory is getting married in june. she told me straight up not to expect me being a bridesmaid since she doesn't want me in the limelight. i understand. it sucks, especially since our sisters and cousins all have roles, but i get where she is coming from. i'm still welcome to attend the wedding though. so there's that. onto today's problem. i do cosplay as a hobby, primarily for a certain series about a wizard school. there's a new movie coming out, and me and my friends want to cosplay as the characters when we go see it. i normally cosplay as this one character, and in the new movie she has platinum blonde hair. i didn't see the point in spending money on a wig i'd never wear again so i thought i'd bleach my hair. plus i hate wearing wigs in general and try to avoid them when i can. bad idea. terrible, stupid idea. the dye fried my hair and now i'm back to having a really short pixie crop. mallory saw the pics of my new hair cut on instagram and blew up my voice mail. she swore at me and cursed at me for doing that to my hair. basically, "how dare [i] do that before her wedding. [i] just couldn't resist the idea of upstaging her and getting all the attention on [me]." first off, it was a mistake on my part and i wholly, truthfully regret it. and also, i didn't want to cut my hair off in the first place. it was the last resort after all attempts to save it failed. not to mention, i'm not in the wedding party. i'm just the cousin who wouldn't be in any pictures if mallory has a say in it. i'd just be another guest off to the side. i know my new haircut is extreme, but we've all seen me sans hair already. my mum and aunts (bless her) says that mallory is just being out of line. i don't need to ask her permission to change my hair since i'm just a guest, not a bridesmaid or anything. but my sisters and our cousins are on her side and say i should have asked her permission for doing what i did to my hair. at this point, maybe i should just not go to the wedding. mallory would probably prefer it that way. aita for not asking mallory, as the bride's, permission to cut my hair into a pixie crop before her wedding?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i'm not going to lie, my cousin mallory and i didn't have a good relationship growing up. i had leukemia as a kid, and she always resented me for getting all the attention from our relatives for it. i tried to maintain a good relationship in our teens and in adulthood, but she was not interested in reciprocating. it hurt and i still feel guilty that i had a hand in ruining her childhood, but there's nothing i can do fix it. whatever i do is never good enough for her. so i guess i just gave up. mallory is getting married in june. she told me straight up not to expect me being a bridesmaid since she doesn't want me in the limelight. i understand. it sucks, especially since our sisters and cousins all have roles, but i get where she is coming from. i'm still welcome to attend the wedding though. so there's that. onto today's problem. i do cosplay as a hobby, primarily for a certain series about a wizard school. there's a new movie coming out, and me and my friends want to cosplay as the characters when we go see it. i normally cosplay as this one character, and in the new movie she has platinum blonde hair. i didn't see the point in spending money on a wig i'd never wear again so i thought i'd bleach my hair. plus i hate wearing wigs in general and try to avoid them when i can. bad idea. terrible, stupid idea. the dye fried my hair and now i'm back to having a really short pixie crop. mallory saw the pics of my new hair cut on instagram and blew up my voice mail. she swore at me and cursed at me for doing that to my hair. basically, "how dare [i] do that before her wedding. [i] just couldn't resist the idea of upstaging her and getting all the attention on [me]." first off, it was a mistake on my part and i wholly, truthfully regret it. and also, i didn't want to cut my hair off in the first place. it was the last resort after all attempts to save it failed. not to mention, i'm not in the wedding party. i'm just the cousin who wouldn't be in any pictures if mallory has a say in it. i'd just be another guest off to the side. i know my new haircut is extreme, but we've all seen me sans hair already. my mum and aunts (bless her) says that mallory is just being out of line. i don't need to ask her permission to change my hair since i'm just a guest, not a bridesmaid or anything. but my sisters and our cousins are on her side and say i should have asked her permission for doing what i did to my hair. at this point, maybe i should just not go to the wedding. mallory would probably prefer it that way. aita for not asking mallory, as the bride's, permission to cut my hair into a pixie crop before her wedding? [/INST] nta, and mallory is bat sh\*t crazy (all the time by the sound of it) and is being a prime example of a bridezilla right now. </s>
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AITA for lying and hiding from my family the job I had while I was in college?
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context
when i (31m) was 18 in college, had job in tech support and i lived with my parents. my family believed that i had a regular job and did odd jobs on the weekends, but in reality, my side job was working as an escort for women.
i worked in tech support for one year but i quit when i was 19 to become a full-time escort. i move out from my parents to avoid suspicion; they continued to believe that i still had my regular job and side gigs. i stopped doing it after i finishing college and the only people who know are my father and my wife.
now, my 3 sisters and me with our families are staying with our parents to spend the holidays together.
a few days ago, i was hanging out with my father and 2 bils. bils asked me what i did during college to make my career and finances skyrocket. i told them the same things i said to my parents but my father laughed and i ended up telling them the truth, but not before asking them to keep it to themselves.
well, they opened their mouths to my sisters and they told my parents and grandfather. they confronted me yesterday and asked me a lot of questions; in the end, they asked me why i lied and i answered that i did it to prevent them from making a big deal out of it like they are doing right now; it’s none of their business and because you know, it’s awkward as hell.
somehow my mother and sisters ended up mad at me; it doesn’t help that my grandpa high fives me every time he sees me lol and the wife of one them is on my side. i don’t think i’m in the wrong but my wife says that they (my mom and sisters) think something bad could have happened and they always worry about me, so i don’t know, maybe i am.
| 294 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zm67ft/aita_for_lying_and_hiding_from_my_family_the_job/
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2022-12-14 23:50:12
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nta
&#x200b;
their exact reaction is why you probably didn't tell them.
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nta. if you’re an adult, then it’s your own decision, especially if you’re living under your own roof. as for them worrying or thinking that something bad could’ve happened-if you’re not in the industry anymore, what do they have to worry about?
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nta. you were a consenting adult providing a service to other consenting adults willing to pay for the privilege of sharing your company. it was none of your parents business and you apparently made it out safely. this happened more than a decade ago. why is anyone so upset about something that isn't even happening anymore. i understand why you kept this from your family because they sound very judgmental and overbearing.
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nta,
got to love your grandpa lol!
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nta. and if it’s illegal where you live, tell them to keep their mouths shut.
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nta. - tell mom and sisters to get over it! gotta say grandpa’s a trip.
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nta and lol!! i was a stripper for 15 years and told my mother i was a bartender. i do not drink and don't know a buttery nipple or a fireball from a hole in the ground😂😂. only my sister knew, and i don't think my mother knows to this day! tell your family to simmer down. it's not like you were a contract killer for fucks sake!
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nta
they can be surprised, shocked, even disgusted (though that would be hateful and mean), but they can't be hurt. it's your life and your job. regardless of how they feel about the job, they should be able to understand your reasoning and respect your privacy.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: context when i (31m) was 18 in college, had job in tech support and i lived with my parents. my family believed that i had a regular job and did odd jobs on the weekends, but in reality, my side job was working as an escort for women. i worked in tech support for one year but i quit when i was 19 to become a full-time escort. i move out from my parents to avoid suspicion; they continued to believe that i still had my regular job and side gigs. i stopped doing it after i finishing college and the only people who know are my father and my wife. now, my 3 sisters and me with our families are staying with our parents to spend the holidays together. a few days ago, i was hanging out with my father and 2 bils. bils asked me what i did during college to make my career and finances skyrocket. i told them the same things i said to my parents but my father laughed and i ended up telling them the truth, but not before asking them to keep it to themselves. well, they opened their mouths to my sisters and they told my parents and grandfather. they confronted me yesterday and asked me a lot of questions; in the end, they asked me why i lied and i answered that i did it to prevent them from making a big deal out of it like they are doing right now; it’s none of their business and because you know, it’s awkward as hell. somehow my mother and sisters ended up mad at me; it doesn’t help that my grandpa high fives me every time he sees me lol and the wife of one them is on my side. i don’t think i’m in the wrong but my wife says that they (my mom and sisters) think something bad could have happened and they always worry about me, so i don’t know, maybe i am.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
context when i (31m) was 18 in college, had job in tech support and i lived with my parents. my family believed that i had a regular job and did odd jobs on the weekends, but in reality, my side job was working as an escort for women. i worked in tech support for one year but i quit when i was 19 to become a full-time escort. i move out from my parents to avoid suspicion; they continued to believe that i still had my regular job and side gigs. i stopped doing it after i finishing college and the only people who know are my father and my wife. now, my 3 sisters and me with our families are staying with our parents to spend the holidays together. a few days ago, i was hanging out with my father and 2 bils. bils asked me what i did during college to make my career and finances skyrocket. i told them the same things i said to my parents but my father laughed and i ended up telling them the truth, but not before asking them to keep it to themselves. well, they opened their mouths to my sisters and they told my parents and grandfather. they confronted me yesterday and asked me a lot of questions; in the end, they asked me why i lied and i answered that i did it to prevent them from making a big deal out of it like they are doing right now; it’s none of their business and because you know, it’s awkward as hell. somehow my mother and sisters ended up mad at me; it doesn’t help that my grandpa high fives me every time he sees me lol and the wife of one them is on my side. i don’t think i’m in the wrong but my wife says that they (my mom and sisters) think something bad could have happened and they always worry about me, so i don’t know, maybe i am. [/INST] nta &#x200b; their exact reaction is why you probably didn't tell them. </s>
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AITA for refusing to help my sister after she had a stillbirth?
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my sister has always been baby crazy while i had always been on the fence about being childfree. while we were growing up she would dream about being a sahm and having 3 kids while i would say that i wanted to travel and not have any responsibilities.
i was very adamant and my mom accepted very early on that i probably won't have kids and that my sister would be the first to have a child in our family.
my sister has been trying to have a child for the past couple of years with no luck. they are undergoing some treatments.
everything went ape shit when i found out that i was pregnant. i told my mom and i told her that i wasn't sure what i was going to do. she told my sister. my sister spoke to me. she reminded me about why i have always said that i didn't want kids. she told me that having kids is something that i should be 100 percent sure about.
me and my partner had a long discussion after that. in the end, we decided to keep the baby. i told my sister first. she blew up on me. she told me that i didn't deserve to have a baby as i have never wanted one. she yelled some really horrible things. she admitted that she had hoped that i would abort. she even said that i am probably going to have a miscarriage or still birth because there is no way that the universe was going to bless me with a baby instead of her. she kept this up during the entirety of my pregnancy.
i cut off contact with her few weeks before my due date. she was becoming increasingly hostile and i didn't trust her around me or my family after that. the only few times i have seen her in the past 3 years was during my mom's last days and funeral.
my sister left me a message recently and said that she had a still birth. she cried and begged me to help her as she didn't have anyone else.
i sent out a message saying that i was sorry for her loss. she again asked me if wasn't even going to help her. i told her that we haven't been sisters in a long time and it's not fair that she is expecting me to help. she just said that i am cruel person and hung up.
for the past week, i have been receiving a lot of messages. sometimes, she just begs me to help. sometimes, she yells at me for not helping her. i haven't responded since the initial exchange.
aita here?
| 7,077 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jmtdkf/aita_for_refusing_to_help_my_sister_after_she_had/
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2020-11-02 18:39:23
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nta.
she's bordering on harassment. its kinda sad that she based her entire life on motherhood. but she needs to chill out.
what happened to her husband/partner?
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something snaps in women who desperately want to be pregnant but can't. it's like they turn more bad more into some horrible monsters as time goes by. i have seen it happen to my own sister, who was always a calm, collected and straight up great girl. she always wanted three kids. i didn't care much, i liked to live in the moment and loved my career. but i got pregnant by accident. then we immediately had a second kid, because we didn't want the kid to grow up without a sibling. we had the opposite of fertility problems. i got pregnant through birth control pills and when we wanted the second one, i didn't even get my first period to start counting, i was already pregnant.
my sister was still very young then, not even in a serious relationship, but already a bit jealous, but she adored the kids. every friday, she'd come to my house to bathe the kids, she really enjoyed that special time. then a few years later she changed. she finally had a serious boyfriend, but because he worked in a rather dangerous field, which he could only do for a few years due to corruption risk and stuff, he didn't want to have kids yet. after his term they would start trying. my sister was disappointed, but understanding, and waited out the term. she started coming over to my house less and less. soon, i only saw her at family gatherings, it hurt, but it was her decision. when our kids were 6 and 8, we decided we wanted to have a second "go" as we felt we were young and struggling with our first kids, and in a better mental and financial situation, and we didn't feel like we were "done" having kids. so we decided to have one more. my sister was trying to get pregnant too at that time, but she never told anyone. so of course there wasn't a "first period" again and we had our third child. we also wanted a sibling for him, and while we were still talking and decided when exactly, there was the positive test already. then i decided to go for a sterilization, because "we have 4 kids now and it's the right thing to do". at the appointment with the gynaecologist, there was a little surprise. you can guess what, i was pregnant again. shocked, but happy. in 3 years, i had 3 kids, back-to-back. my sister still wasn't pregnant, and i didn't know she was trying.
after my 5th healthy baby, she kind of... snapped. she was incredibly hostile and didn't even want to see me and the kids at family gatherings anymore. she would ask my dad when i would come, and make sure she would be gone by that time. it was really weird, because we were so close before, and we never had an argument or anything. then she got pregnant. at first, it seemed to calm her down, she even visited me to tell me she was pregnant, i was over the moon and so happy for her! then at the 20 week echography, she got bad news, there was something wrong with the baby's head and the baby might be handicapped. i of course immediately went to her house to comfort her and ask what i could do for her, just trying to "be there for her". i was met with "what are you doing here?" she was cold and distant. i gave her some baby stuff that had been passed on for a few generations, which she put in her nursery, and i tried talking to her a bit, and then left.
then all hell broke loose. the police came to our house, she had gone to the police to tell them she saw my husband hitting and kicking me and the children on numerous occasions, and she even took our youngest sister with her, who claimed my husband raped her when she was a minor, and all kinds of horrible things. i never saw my husband cry more than at that time. he is an amazing father, never once hit me or the kids, not even yelled or whatever. also the case of our youngest sister was quickly done, because my husband wasn't even in the country when she claimed it happened. but the accusations hit very very hard. especially because he came out of a very abusive household.
we decided to move away to another country after clearing our names (i of course was also accused of endangering the kids), but these kinds of false accusations kind of "stick", because people always continue to gossip. we are doing fine now, but i haven't heard from my sister in years. i know she gave birth to a baby girl, but i have no idea how she's doing. it sometimes makes me sad, because this could have been so different. but i also decided that i will never ever get in any kind of contact with her again.
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info: what sort of help is she expecting? emotional? financial? surrogacy?
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nta. while her trauma is real, so is yours - and she’s been the cause of so much misery to you that it’s probably in your best interest to stay low contact until she can get through her pain and talk to you without being hostile. i’m sorry for her loss of her baby, but i’m also sorry for your loss of a supportive family structure.
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nta! she decided to be hateful towards you, that was her decision. i think it’s very mature and wise for your little family to continue not having toxic people in your life. she sounds like a real self centered person who needs some professional help to reflect why she directed her anger of not having children onto you. best of luck with your baby & partner!
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definitely leaning towards nta, but i need info - what kind of help does she need, that she thinks you can provide?
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nta
she was the one who pushed you away first by being selfish, jealous, and abusive towards you when you were pregnant.
she had 3 years to apologize to you and she still hasn't. even now she's alternating between being abusive and begging for help. you don't owe her squat
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wow. i'm having trouble with this one. your sister was nasty and cruel - she wished death on a child! now she's going through what she wished on you. but losing a child is the hardest thing anyone can go through. my nephew died of cancer a little over a year ago. he was 10. my sister . . . she's still not ok. she probably never will be.
i say nta unless your sister sincerely aplogizes for her previous behavior. wanting a child and being unable to have one is a hard thing to go through, but that doesn't excuse the way she treated you. she was a complete monster. but now she's truly suffering and i feel for her, but it's not ok for her to expect you to just forget her cruelty.
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nta.
unfortunately, a large part of the fertility problem community has let their issues turn them into horrible rude people. it really makes infertile people (and just people struggling to conceive in general) look bad.
>my sister left me a message recently and said that she had a still birth. she cried and begged me to help her as she didn't have anyone else.
and she deservedly doesn't have you either.
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i would tell her, very bluntly, that the only help she going to get is you repeating some home truths:
1. what she said to you about losing your baby or having a stillbirth was unhinged
2. what she said about the universe punishing people was equally unhinged.
3. nothing she did or did not do could have cause or prevented this stillbirth.
4. the universe doesn't care about her because the universe *can't* care because it isn't a person that can have feelings.
5. but you *are* a person who has feelings, and what she said to you is not forgivable, especially because she has never, not once, apologized.
and then tell her to never contact you again.
you are nta, op, and i wouldn't want to have anything to do with her either.
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NTA
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INFO
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0.00388 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my sister has always been baby crazy while i had always been on the fence about being childfree. while we were growing up she would dream about being a sahm and having 3 kids while i would say that i wanted to travel and not have any responsibilities. i was very adamant and my mom accepted very early on that i probably won't have kids and that my sister would be the first to have a child in our family. my sister has been trying to have a child for the past couple of years with no luck. they are undergoing some treatments. everything went ape shit when i found out that i was pregnant. i told my mom and i told her that i wasn't sure what i was going to do. she told my sister. my sister spoke to me. she reminded me about why i have always said that i didn't want kids. she told me that having kids is something that i should be 100 percent sure about. me and my partner had a long discussion after that. in the end, we decided to keep the baby. i told my sister first. she blew up on me. she told me that i didn't deserve to have a baby as i have never wanted one. she yelled some really horrible things. she admitted that she had hoped that i would abort. she even said that i am probably going to have a miscarriage or still birth because there is no way that the universe was going to bless me with a baby instead of her. she kept this up during the entirety of my pregnancy. i cut off contact with her few weeks before my due date. she was becoming increasingly hostile and i didn't trust her around me or my family after that. the only few times i have seen her in the past 3 years was during my mom's last days and funeral. my sister left me a message recently and said that she had a still birth. she cried and begged me to help her as she didn't have anyone else. i sent out a message saying that i was sorry for her loss. she again asked me if wasn't even going to help her. i told her that we haven't been sisters in a long time and it's not fair that she is expecting me to help. she just said that i am cruel person and hung up. for the past week, i have been receiving a lot of messages. sometimes, she just begs me to help. sometimes, she yells at me for not helping her. i haven't responded since the initial exchange. aita here?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
my sister has always been baby crazy while i had always been on the fence about being childfree. while we were growing up she would dream about being a sahm and having 3 kids while i would say that i wanted to travel and not have any responsibilities. i was very adamant and my mom accepted very early on that i probably won't have kids and that my sister would be the first to have a child in our family. my sister has been trying to have a child for the past couple of years with no luck. they are undergoing some treatments. everything went ape shit when i found out that i was pregnant. i told my mom and i told her that i wasn't sure what i was going to do. she told my sister. my sister spoke to me. she reminded me about why i have always said that i didn't want kids. she told me that having kids is something that i should be 100 percent sure about. me and my partner had a long discussion after that. in the end, we decided to keep the baby. i told my sister first. she blew up on me. she told me that i didn't deserve to have a baby as i have never wanted one. she yelled some really horrible things. she admitted that she had hoped that i would abort. she even said that i am probably going to have a miscarriage or still birth because there is no way that the universe was going to bless me with a baby instead of her. she kept this up during the entirety of my pregnancy. i cut off contact with her few weeks before my due date. she was becoming increasingly hostile and i didn't trust her around me or my family after that. the only few times i have seen her in the past 3 years was during my mom's last days and funeral. my sister left me a message recently and said that she had a still birth. she cried and begged me to help her as she didn't have anyone else. i sent out a message saying that i was sorry for her loss. she again asked me if wasn't even going to help her. i told her that we haven't been sisters in a long time and it's not fair that she is expecting me to help. she just said that i am cruel person and hung up. for the past week, i have been receiving a lot of messages. sometimes, she just begs me to help. sometimes, she yells at me for not helping her. i haven't responded since the initial exchange. aita here? [/INST] nta. she's bordering on harassment. its kinda sad that she based her entire life on motherhood. but she needs to chill out. what happened to her husband/partner? </s>
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AITA for refusing to go to my uncle's wedding because his future wife told me I won't be in her wedding party unless I lose weight and later tried to take credit for my weight loss? I caused huge family trauma.
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i'm 16.
my uncle barry (35) is getting married to olivia (31). they announced their engagement 18 months ago and the wedding is in a few of months. apparantly uncle barry wanted me to be in the wedding party and olivia told me that i can't be unless i lose a good amount of weight because i'd ruin the pictures otherwise.
at that time i was a little on the heavier side but i was already losing weight (had lost about 30lbs). i didn't like what she said but i didn't care, i never asked to be in the wedding party anyway.
i have since lost more (bmi 21), olivia didn't know as they live in a different city. she texted me asking if i've managed to lose some weight because she needed to know if she can include me or not. i didn't reply as i thought she was mean, and they were going to visit us the very next day.
when olivia saw me she told me she's so excited that i can be in her wedding party which sounded weird because she was the one coming up with the arbitrary exclusion rule. later that day she told me that she's happy that she could motivate me to lose weight and said it's a great feeling when you see how you've influenced someone to better their lives and she hopes that i get to influence someone this way too. at that point i figured she was probably a narcissist trying to take credit for my weight loss!
anyway, i politely thanked her for the consideration but told her that i won't be part of the wedding party because she makes me uncomfortable and i don't enjoy being in her company. she seemed offended, but asked why? i said i'm just not comfortable. she said "barry wanted you there, not me and anyone in your position would've been thrilled, you're weird."
later that day i decided to not participate in any wedding related activities at all because i didn't like how she treated me. so i said that in a text to my uncle and olivia. uncle barry called me immediately asking me what's going on and i told him that i felt bullied by olivia (both back then and now) and if we don't get along then what's the point of being there if it makes both of us uncomfortable. when he asked for specifics i told him everything (both her ultimatum from last year and then now trying to take credit for it).
uncle barry agreed she was wrong on both counts, but asked me to forgive her for him. i told him that he can't apologize on her behalf and after all of this i've lost all excitements so what's the point.
apparently uncle barry and olivia had a fight because he was upset, and olivia called my mom telling her that i lied to uncle barry that she mistreated me. word of this has spread, and now my 3 other cousins have also said they won't participate in solidarity with me (i never asked them to do this) but olivia accused me of organizing it anyway.
my mom has taken olivia's side and believes i'm being too dramatic and i should apologize to her and just participate like a normal person would, and said that all this is my fault and i'm ruining my uncle's wedding.
| 6,066 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wodue1/aita_for_refusing_to_go_to_my_uncles_wedding/
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2022-08-14 18:59:09
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nta.
she is for insisting you lose weight to join a family wedding party. that's awful.
and good for you on taking healthy actions for you and not for anyone else, who is so selfish that they claim your own accomplishments as their own.
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nta and shame on your mother for telling you otherwise.
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nta. if you were 26 instead of 16, no one in your family would be treating you this way, olivia included. she thinks she can push you around because you're a kid, and your mother is probably trying to make you act like nothing is wrong because she thinks your behavior reflects badly on her as a parent. but she should be thinking the exact opposite, that she has done well in teaching you to stick up for yourself rather than be a doormat to keep other people happy.
stick to your guns on this. your parents may in the end require you to attend, but you do not have to be in the wedding party, and you don't have to pretend like everything is okay when it isn't. also if olivia tries taking credit for "motivating" you to lose weight again, say loudly for anyone to overhear, "you did not shame me into losing weight, olivia. i just started eating better and grew some and it came off naturally, so stop taking credit for things that have nothing to do with you."
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nta, oh and i hope he breaks off the engagement bc that’s foul she’s treating her fiancés niece like that. go out and eat a nice meal on their wedding day if it’s still happening, you deserve the best!!
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nta. and your mom should be on your side. kudos to your uncle for being on your side. he sounds wonderful!
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nta
it’s your uncle’s funeral not yours.
remain firm on your decision.
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nta.
it is not olivia's responsibility nor place to try to regulate the weight of someone else's minor child. completely innapropriate for her to now try and take credit for your hard work
the fact that she didn't want someone heavier in her wedding pictures because it would "ruin" them just speaks to the kind of person she is.
she's made her own bed, now time for her to lay in it. and shame on your mother for siding with her.
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nta. what a presumptuous thing for her to say, that *she* motivated you? by insulting you?? the fact that you were on your journey doesn't make her words any less harmful—trying to sweep it under the rug for "family's" sake is a good way to get yourself walked all over till you actually do blow up. olivia is ruining her and your uncle's own wedding.
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nta she is totally out of line and seemingly not remorseful for how she's treated you. as for you causing 'huge family trauma', i call bullshit. you didn't create this situation, bigoted olivia did. furthermore, you're not in control of how other people react so don't see how you can be held accountable for your cousins' decisions.
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nta
f her and her bullshit. you're losing weight for your own well being and don't ever let anyone take credit for your accomplishments. and your mother is just reinforcing the stupidity your future aunt is trying to project. it's nice to see some of your family has your back and fully supports you and your feelings in this matter. and never even consider apologizing to her and her shitty attitude until she apologizes to you for shaming you in the past and thinking she played any role in your weight loss journey.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i'm 16. my uncle barry (35) is getting married to olivia (31). they announced their engagement 18 months ago and the wedding is in a few of months. apparantly uncle barry wanted me to be in the wedding party and olivia told me that i can't be unless i lose a good amount of weight because i'd ruin the pictures otherwise. at that time i was a little on the heavier side but i was already losing weight (had lost about 30lbs). i didn't like what she said but i didn't care, i never asked to be in the wedding party anyway. i have since lost more (bmi 21), olivia didn't know as they live in a different city. she texted me asking if i've managed to lose some weight because she needed to know if she can include me or not. i didn't reply as i thought she was mean, and they were going to visit us the very next day. when olivia saw me she told me she's so excited that i can be in her wedding party which sounded weird because she was the one coming up with the arbitrary exclusion rule. later that day she told me that she's happy that she could motivate me to lose weight and said it's a great feeling when you see how you've influenced someone to better their lives and she hopes that i get to influence someone this way too. at that point i figured she was probably a narcissist trying to take credit for my weight loss! anyway, i politely thanked her for the consideration but told her that i won't be part of the wedding party because she makes me uncomfortable and i don't enjoy being in her company. she seemed offended, but asked why? i said i'm just not comfortable. she said "barry wanted you there, not me and anyone in your position would've been thrilled, you're weird." later that day i decided to not participate in any wedding related activities at all because i didn't like how she treated me. so i said that in a text to my uncle and olivia. uncle barry called me immediately asking me what's going on and i told him that i felt bullied by olivia (both back then and now) and if we don't get along then what's the point of being there if it makes both of us uncomfortable. when he asked for specifics i told him everything (both her ultimatum from last year and then now trying to take credit for it). uncle barry agreed she was wrong on both counts, but asked me to forgive her for him. i told him that he can't apologize on her behalf and after all of this i've lost all excitements so what's the point. apparently uncle barry and olivia had a fight because he was upset, and olivia called my mom telling her that i lied to uncle barry that she mistreated me. word of this has spread, and now my 3 other cousins have also said they won't participate in solidarity with me (i never asked them to do this) but olivia accused me of organizing it anyway. my mom has taken olivia's side and believes i'm being too dramatic and i should apologize to her and just participate like a normal person would, and said that all this is my fault and i'm ruining my uncle's wedding.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i'm 16. my uncle barry (35) is getting married to olivia (31). they announced their engagement 18 months ago and the wedding is in a few of months. apparantly uncle barry wanted me to be in the wedding party and olivia told me that i can't be unless i lose a good amount of weight because i'd ruin the pictures otherwise. at that time i was a little on the heavier side but i was already losing weight (had lost about 30lbs). i didn't like what she said but i didn't care, i never asked to be in the wedding party anyway. i have since lost more (bmi 21), olivia didn't know as they live in a different city. she texted me asking if i've managed to lose some weight because she needed to know if she can include me or not. i didn't reply as i thought she was mean, and they were going to visit us the very next day. when olivia saw me she told me she's so excited that i can be in her wedding party which sounded weird because she was the one coming up with the arbitrary exclusion rule. later that day she told me that she's happy that she could motivate me to lose weight and said it's a great feeling when you see how you've influenced someone to better their lives and she hopes that i get to influence someone this way too. at that point i figured she was probably a narcissist trying to take credit for my weight loss! anyway, i politely thanked her for the consideration but told her that i won't be part of the wedding party because she makes me uncomfortable and i don't enjoy being in her company. she seemed offended, but asked why? i said i'm just not comfortable. she said "barry wanted you there, not me and anyone in your position would've been thrilled, you're weird." later that day i decided to not participate in any wedding related activities at all because i didn't like how she treated me. so i said that in a text to my uncle and olivia. uncle barry called me immediately asking me what's going on and i told him that i felt bullied by olivia (both back then and now) and if we don't get along then what's the point of being there if it makes both of us uncomfortable. when he asked for specifics i told him everything (both her ultimatum from last year and then now trying to take credit for it). uncle barry agreed she was wrong on both counts, but asked me to forgive her for him. i told him that he can't apologize on her behalf and after all of this i've lost all excitements so what's the point. apparently uncle barry and olivia had a fight because he was upset, and olivia called my mom telling her that i lied to uncle barry that she mistreated me. word of this has spread, and now my 3 other cousins have also said they won't participate in solidarity with me (i never asked them to do this) but olivia accused me of organizing it anyway. my mom has taken olivia's side and believes i'm being too dramatic and i should apologize to her and just participate like a normal person would, and said that all this is my fault and i'm ruining my uncle's wedding. [/INST] nta. she is for insisting you lose weight to join a family wedding party. that's awful. and good for you on taking healthy actions for you and not for anyone else, who is so selfish that they claim your own accomplishments as their own. </s>
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AITA for not sharing my investments with my family?
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so this problem originated a few months ago, but i’m still getting flack about it and starting to feel quite guilty. a friend suggested i post my story here.
i (17m) will be moving out and heading to university this year in a city about 1.5 hours from where i currently live with my mom, stepdad and stepbrother (18m). my stepbrother is also moving to the same city, and going to the same university (there aren’t too many universities in our province, and this is the one he was accepted to, we didn’t plan it).
my plan for the past couple of years has been to buy a relatively large house when i go to university, which i did a few months ago, so that i could rent out some rooms to cover the mortgage/property tax. it’s a 5 bedroom. i'll be living in one and i’ve rented the 4 other rooms out at break even cost. i’ve also received a scholarship that covers my tuition, and so by working through summers for spending money, my hope is to come out with no debt + whatever equity is built on my home through mortgage payments.
before you ask, i wasn't given any money to do this. my family is not well off, either on my moms or dads side, but we do live comfortably. i did this by saving my own money for a downpayment through high school. also, no i did not give up my childhood or anything like that. i only worked about 10-12 hours a week on average (2 x 5-6 hour shifts) at my uncles (dads side) restaurant, starting at the beginning of grade 9. i worked as a server, and since we do not serve much alcohol, i was able to get by without breaking any laws (my coworkers would deliver any beer orders to the table for me, since you can't do that until you're 18 here). on average, including wage+tips, i was able to make about 300/shift, or 600/week. i was able to save and invest nearly all of it, since my parents covered most of my basic needs (like food, clothes etc.) and i only used some for fun spending money (like alcohol, eating out, whatever). when i pulled everything out of the market a few months ago, i had 120k for the downpayment. since i'll have no income as a student, my uncle cosigned my mortgage.
on to the issue. i never told my family about my plans, as i did not want them to interfere. i only told them about a month before i started to set the purchase into motion. my parents and step brother seemed a little envious about it, as he will be "wasting his money on rent, while i'll be paying off a mortgage". i mean duh, that's why i'm doing this. they then asked me if i would cut him into the house, or at least let him live there for free. this would totally screw up my plans, so i said hell no. they've ever since been making me feel extremely guilty about it, because unlike me he is not on a scholarship, and my parents never planned to save up for our schooling, so he will come out with a bunch of debt. the reason i feel bad is he didn't have the same opportunity as me with my uncle (but he did have a job and chose to spend his money on other things). aita?
| 3,250 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/iji0hj/aita_for_not_sharing_my_investments_with_my_family/
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2020-08-30 18:46:13
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nta - it's a good thing that the rooms are already rented! your parents do not have any say in this. depending on how much you trust your brother, he could potentially move in when one of your other renters leaves, but there's no way you should kick anyone out for him.
although i think you should not be charging your tenants a break-even rent because that means any repairs and maintenance to the property will still come out of your pocket.
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nta. it’s not your fault that he spent his money for entertainment while you saved it. it’s a shitty thing to guilt trip you while not even attempting to save anything. seems like you will do a lot better financially if you just focus on yourself.
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info: wait how much was your uncle paying you that you were netting $60/hr as a teenage server? is this fake?
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nta and well done! reap the rewards of your planning, intelligence and sacrifice, and do not feel guilty about your decision. from your story it is apparent your step brother will be able to attend university without your support, so you are not denying him the opportunity. but i see no reason your low-margin investment (charging break even rent) should be jeopardized by offering him a free ride. that would provide him only a slightly better graduation situation while putting your ability to pay the mortgage at risk.
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nta. their failure to plan does not constitute an emergency in your part.
you’ve made incredibly smart choices for someone your age and are under no obligation to anyone.
you want to live your life and have a plan for that. good for you! go to college, enjoy your life, and do not let your step brother move in. if you give in to this, it’ll be virtually impossible to get him to leave and they’ll just keep asking for more and more from you.
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so you made... 50-60 bucks an hour at a place that barely sold alcohol?? that seems off..
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nta. you made a decision regarding what to do with your earnings to setup this stage of your life. that’s a mature thing to do and i applaud you for it. don’t let others that made different decisions make you feel guilty. best of luck.
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nta. people forget that internet is a thing now, that people can utilize to learn and educate themselves. your brother could have taken responsibility of his life at an early age, instead he blew it off. you worked hard and smart and used your money wisely. congratulations for thinking way ahead of time.
and follow your plan, don’t be guilt-tripped. what others do with their life is not your responsibility.
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nta. you get to do with your money what you want to do.
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nta. you saved your money for this. it’s your house, and it sounds like a great plan to me.
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NTA
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NTA
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INFO
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0.00388 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so this problem originated a few months ago, but i’m still getting flack about it and starting to feel quite guilty. a friend suggested i post my story here. i (17m) will be moving out and heading to university this year in a city about 1.5 hours from where i currently live with my mom, stepdad and stepbrother (18m). my stepbrother is also moving to the same city, and going to the same university (there aren’t too many universities in our province, and this is the one he was accepted to, we didn’t plan it). my plan for the past couple of years has been to buy a relatively large house when i go to university, which i did a few months ago, so that i could rent out some rooms to cover the mortgage/property tax. it’s a 5 bedroom. i'll be living in one and i’ve rented the 4 other rooms out at break even cost. i’ve also received a scholarship that covers my tuition, and so by working through summers for spending money, my hope is to come out with no debt + whatever equity is built on my home through mortgage payments. before you ask, i wasn't given any money to do this. my family is not well off, either on my moms or dads side, but we do live comfortably. i did this by saving my own money for a downpayment through high school. also, no i did not give up my childhood or anything like that. i only worked about 10-12 hours a week on average (2 x 5-6 hour shifts) at my uncles (dads side) restaurant, starting at the beginning of grade 9. i worked as a server, and since we do not serve much alcohol, i was able to get by without breaking any laws (my coworkers would deliver any beer orders to the table for me, since you can't do that until you're 18 here). on average, including wage+tips, i was able to make about 300/shift, or 600/week. i was able to save and invest nearly all of it, since my parents covered most of my basic needs (like food, clothes etc.) and i only used some for fun spending money (like alcohol, eating out, whatever). when i pulled everything out of the market a few months ago, i had 120k for the downpayment. since i'll have no income as a student, my uncle cosigned my mortgage. on to the issue. i never told my family about my plans, as i did not want them to interfere. i only told them about a month before i started to set the purchase into motion. my parents and step brother seemed a little envious about it, as he will be "wasting his money on rent, while i'll be paying off a mortgage". i mean duh, that's why i'm doing this. they then asked me if i would cut him into the house, or at least let him live there for free. this would totally screw up my plans, so i said hell no. they've ever since been making me feel extremely guilty about it, because unlike me he is not on a scholarship, and my parents never planned to save up for our schooling, so he will come out with a bunch of debt. the reason i feel bad is he didn't have the same opportunity as me with my uncle (but he did have a job and chose to spend his money on other things). aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
so this problem originated a few months ago, but i’m still getting flack about it and starting to feel quite guilty. a friend suggested i post my story here. i (17m) will be moving out and heading to university this year in a city about 1.5 hours from where i currently live with my mom, stepdad and stepbrother (18m). my stepbrother is also moving to the same city, and going to the same university (there aren’t too many universities in our province, and this is the one he was accepted to, we didn’t plan it). my plan for the past couple of years has been to buy a relatively large house when i go to university, which i did a few months ago, so that i could rent out some rooms to cover the mortgage/property tax. it’s a 5 bedroom. i'll be living in one and i’ve rented the 4 other rooms out at break even cost. i’ve also received a scholarship that covers my tuition, and so by working through summers for spending money, my hope is to come out with no debt + whatever equity is built on my home through mortgage payments. before you ask, i wasn't given any money to do this. my family is not well off, either on my moms or dads side, but we do live comfortably. i did this by saving my own money for a downpayment through high school. also, no i did not give up my childhood or anything like that. i only worked about 10-12 hours a week on average (2 x 5-6 hour shifts) at my uncles (dads side) restaurant, starting at the beginning of grade 9. i worked as a server, and since we do not serve much alcohol, i was able to get by without breaking any laws (my coworkers would deliver any beer orders to the table for me, since you can't do that until you're 18 here). on average, including wage+tips, i was able to make about 300/shift, or 600/week. i was able to save and invest nearly all of it, since my parents covered most of my basic needs (like food, clothes etc.) and i only used some for fun spending money (like alcohol, eating out, whatever). when i pulled everything out of the market a few months ago, i had 120k for the downpayment. since i'll have no income as a student, my uncle cosigned my mortgage. on to the issue. i never told my family about my plans, as i did not want them to interfere. i only told them about a month before i started to set the purchase into motion. my parents and step brother seemed a little envious about it, as he will be "wasting his money on rent, while i'll be paying off a mortgage". i mean duh, that's why i'm doing this. they then asked me if i would cut him into the house, or at least let him live there for free. this would totally screw up my plans, so i said hell no. they've ever since been making me feel extremely guilty about it, because unlike me he is not on a scholarship, and my parents never planned to save up for our schooling, so he will come out with a bunch of debt. the reason i feel bad is he didn't have the same opportunity as me with my uncle (but he did have a job and chose to spend his money on other things). aita? [/INST] nta - it's a good thing that the rooms are already rented! your parents do not have any say in this. depending on how much you trust your brother, he could potentially move in when one of your other renters leaves, but there's no way you should kick anyone out for him. although i think you should not be charging your tenants a break-even rent because that means any repairs and maintenance to the property will still come out of your pocket. </s>
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AITA for not getting a customer a refill while I wasn’t working?
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so i work at a certain fast food restaurant. i was there an hour before my shift started and i wasn’t in full uniform. i had the shirt on, which is how they knew i worked there, but i had different pants on and i was not wearing my nonslip shoes. we’re technically not allowed to go behind the counter not wearing nonslips. i had ordered food and i was sitting down to eat it when i realized i needed napkins. i got up and went to the condiment stand, and a customer stopped me and asked me for sauces, a bag, and a refill of their drink. my food waiting on the table, i politely informed her that i was not currently working. she gave me a death glare and then went back to her own table, loudly proclaiming that i was rude, and that this fast food chain should fire and ban me. i just wanted to eat, and i suppose the reason she was so upset was that this one is known for hospitality, but i was eating and wasn’t in uniform in the first place. aita?
| 440 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/d49yqq/aita_for_not_getting_a_customer_a_refill_while_i/
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2019-09-14 19:42:28
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nta. it’s illegal for you to work off the clock. don’t mind the entitled people.
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nta. your break is yours. she is not entitled to your time when you are off the clock.
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nta- you're off the clock. in certain places it's even illegal for you to serve a customer when you're not on duty. and for everyone saying esh no. hes not working atm and so it's not his duty to surve someone when he is not working. many workers ware their uniforms when taking a break or in before their scheduled hours. i'm not comfortable changing in the bathroom with giant ass slits inbetween the door and floor (america)
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nta, though it might be smart not to wear elements of your work uniform when you're off-duty.
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nta. in a fast food place, you get your own refill. she's just lazy and entitled.
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nta, you don't do work off the clock, period. ignore the entitled karen.
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nta, but having worked in fast food i just want to say that unless you work at one of the few places that have easily distinguishable uniform pants, having your uniform shirt on means you are in uniform. if the uniform pants are black slacks & you were wearing black/dark blue pants of almost any kind, most customers would think you're in full uniform (and with the exception of few places, customers only really see or pay attention to the employees from the waist up anyways). nobody can tell if you're wearing nonslips or not and unless you fall, nobody is going to check. where i worked, we wore t-shirts under the uniform shirt and didn't put the uniform shirt on until right before clocking in. we removed the uniform shirt just before/after clocking out. otherwise, it's almost guaranteed someone will ask you for something after/before your shift or while you're on lunch break.
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nta but i would suggest in future not wearing your top whilst not on duty.
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obviously nta.
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nta and anyone saying you are, are probably as entitled as the karen in your story
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so i work at a certain fast food restaurant. i was there an hour before my shift started and i wasn’t in full uniform. i had the shirt on, which is how they knew i worked there, but i had different pants on and i was not wearing my nonslip shoes. we’re technically not allowed to go behind the counter not wearing nonslips. i had ordered food and i was sitting down to eat it when i realized i needed napkins. i got up and went to the condiment stand, and a customer stopped me and asked me for sauces, a bag, and a refill of their drink. my food waiting on the table, i politely informed her that i was not currently working. she gave me a death glare and then went back to her own table, loudly proclaiming that i was rude, and that this fast food chain should fire and ban me. i just wanted to eat, and i suppose the reason she was so upset was that this one is known for hospitality, but i was eating and wasn’t in uniform in the first place. aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
so i work at a certain fast food restaurant. i was there an hour before my shift started and i wasn’t in full uniform. i had the shirt on, which is how they knew i worked there, but i had different pants on and i was not wearing my nonslip shoes. we’re technically not allowed to go behind the counter not wearing nonslips. i had ordered food and i was sitting down to eat it when i realized i needed napkins. i got up and went to the condiment stand, and a customer stopped me and asked me for sauces, a bag, and a refill of their drink. my food waiting on the table, i politely informed her that i was not currently working. she gave me a death glare and then went back to her own table, loudly proclaiming that i was rude, and that this fast food chain should fire and ban me. i just wanted to eat, and i suppose the reason she was so upset was that this one is known for hospitality, but i was eating and wasn’t in uniform in the first place. aita? [/INST] nta. it’s illegal for you to work off the clock. don’t mind the entitled people. </s>
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AITA for asking my pregnant girlfriend to pay for or replace my meal because she ate all of it?
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i've (26m) been with my girlfriend (29f) for going on two years. before we ever met she and her sister had been working on her being a surrogate for her sister and her sister's husband. global things delayed that, we talked about her agreement before we got together and now she's pregnant for them. she is staying with them for now but she comes over to my place frequently to spend time with me when she's free. its not so bad but either she raids my kitchen or she complains nothing looks good and wanted me to keep some of her for-sure cravings on hand.
my parents came to visit me and asked me if i wanted them to pick anything up for me on their way. they had to pass one of my favorite restaurants to get here so i said yes. they showed up, we visited with each other. i ate a little bit of what they brought me since i wasn't really hungry yet and put the rest in the fridge for dinner that night. my girlfriend wound up coming over for a bit after they left. she got hungry and wanted a snack, and came out with the container i put my leftovers in and goes "can i have some of this?"
i told her yes. she came back with a plate and she didn't take some of it, she took all of it and put all kinds of shit on it so we couldn't even share. i told her that i said she could have some and she just ate all of what i intended to have for dinner so i asked her to either send me money to pay for so i could go get some myself, or she could make the drive and get me another order. she didn't want to drive that far and she didn't think she should have to pay me anything. i told her she should because it'd just be nice of her to do since i get she gets cravings but it's not like she's pregnant with my kid or we live together. she left at that point, left half the food uneaten and i wouldn't eat it cause of what she put on it. a couple hours later my mother called. my gf text her about what happened. my mom gave me an earful about how i have no idea what its like for my gf right now and i need to be supportive and let things go.
| 13,169 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zl4vlt/aita_for_asking_my_pregnant_girlfriend_to_pay_for/
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2022-12-13 19:44:46
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nta. regardless of how special the meal was, or your willingness to share it, or how much it cost you, or whatever her condiments did to its palatability, she didn't think anything about taking your whole dinner and not replacing it.
then she used her pregnancy as the excuse.
you don't live together, so i'm guessing you don't share expenses or grocery shopping. (
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nta. and when you have a disagreement your gf calls your mom so she can scold you???
dump the gf.
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this is like aita bingo. we have: a pregnant woman stealing food, man taking care of someone else's baby/pregnancy, super special food, throwaway account, and a weirdly involved parent taking the opposing side!
now we just need an obviously poorly behaving parent and their spoiled child and an extreme age gap relationship.
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nta your gf is. being pregnant does not mean you can raid the fridge of a house you don't live in. she should ask prior to her fridge raiding and replace items when asked.
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nta. you need to leave this relationship. she's got waaaaaaay too much going on.
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i’m pregnant right now and have been several times before, here to say you are nta. pregnancy isn’t an excuse to walk all over people and be a jerk. she stole & ruined your food, she ought to replace it and not complain about it.
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nta.
this seems like a part of a larger issue. being pregnant doesn’t excuse her from common courtesy when at someone else’s house - even,and honestly, especially, if that person is her partner. it doesn’t feel like she’s taking any responsibility here, like buying the stuff she craves to keep at your place and make sure you’re stocked, or being considerate of your wants and needs.
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nta. when someone is nice enough to say they will share some of their food, only an asshole would take all of it.
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nta, this pregnancy has nothing to do with you, so none of the usual rules apply
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going against the grain here and saying yta. it's food, and you said she could eat it (you didn't say all of it, but it sounds like you didn't specify that you planned on eating it beforehand). it's not something worth having an argument over, it's something you could just say "hey maybe next time just check to make sure i didn't have plans for that meal before you eat it". it sounds to me like you overreacted because of a misunderstanding.
if you've been dating for two years, she's not 'stealing your food', you should be comfortable enough to share things.
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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YTA
| 0.031039 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i've (26m) been with my girlfriend (29f) for going on two years. before we ever met she and her sister had been working on her being a surrogate for her sister and her sister's husband. global things delayed that, we talked about her agreement before we got together and now she's pregnant for them. she is staying with them for now but she comes over to my place frequently to spend time with me when she's free. its not so bad but either she raids my kitchen or she complains nothing looks good and wanted me to keep some of her for-sure cravings on hand. my parents came to visit me and asked me if i wanted them to pick anything up for me on their way. they had to pass one of my favorite restaurants to get here so i said yes. they showed up, we visited with each other. i ate a little bit of what they brought me since i wasn't really hungry yet and put the rest in the fridge for dinner that night. my girlfriend wound up coming over for a bit after they left. she got hungry and wanted a snack, and came out with the container i put my leftovers in and goes "can i have some of this?" i told her yes. she came back with a plate and she didn't take some of it, she took all of it and put all kinds of shit on it so we couldn't even share. i told her that i said she could have some and she just ate all of what i intended to have for dinner so i asked her to either send me money to pay for so i could go get some myself, or she could make the drive and get me another order. she didn't want to drive that far and she didn't think she should have to pay me anything. i told her she should because it'd just be nice of her to do since i get she gets cravings but it's not like she's pregnant with my kid or we live together. she left at that point, left half the food uneaten and i wouldn't eat it cause of what she put on it. a couple hours later my mother called. my gf text her about what happened. my mom gave me an earful about how i have no idea what its like for my gf right now and i need to be supportive and let things go.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i've (26m) been with my girlfriend (29f) for going on two years. before we ever met she and her sister had been working on her being a surrogate for her sister and her sister's husband. global things delayed that, we talked about her agreement before we got together and now she's pregnant for them. she is staying with them for now but she comes over to my place frequently to spend time with me when she's free. its not so bad but either she raids my kitchen or she complains nothing looks good and wanted me to keep some of her for-sure cravings on hand. my parents came to visit me and asked me if i wanted them to pick anything up for me on their way. they had to pass one of my favorite restaurants to get here so i said yes. they showed up, we visited with each other. i ate a little bit of what they brought me since i wasn't really hungry yet and put the rest in the fridge for dinner that night. my girlfriend wound up coming over for a bit after they left. she got hungry and wanted a snack, and came out with the container i put my leftovers in and goes "can i have some of this?" i told her yes. she came back with a plate and she didn't take some of it, she took all of it and put all kinds of shit on it so we couldn't even share. i told her that i said she could have some and she just ate all of what i intended to have for dinner so i asked her to either send me money to pay for so i could go get some myself, or she could make the drive and get me another order. she didn't want to drive that far and she didn't think she should have to pay me anything. i told her she should because it'd just be nice of her to do since i get she gets cravings but it's not like she's pregnant with my kid or we live together. she left at that point, left half the food uneaten and i wouldn't eat it cause of what she put on it. a couple hours later my mother called. my gf text her about what happened. my mom gave me an earful about how i have no idea what its like for my gf right now and i need to be supportive and let things go. [/INST] nta. regardless of how special the meal was, or your willingness to share it, or how much it cost you, or whatever her condiments did to its palatability, she didn't think anything about taking your whole dinner and not replacing it. then she used her pregnancy as the excuse. you don't live together, so i'm guessing you don't share expenses or grocery shopping. ( </s>
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AITA for talking about my tubal infront of my aunt
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so i (21f) had a bisalp (my fallopian tubes removed) back in november completely by choice as i don’t want children.
because of covid my extended family hasn’t all gotten together in over a year until last week we had a backyard bbq. we of course we’re all catching up on everything that happened and my one uncle mentioned how he’d recently had a vasectomy (he has 2 kids) and talked about his recovery time and how easy it was for him.
so i brought up my surgery and we started comparing how differently our experiences were and this lead to the family asking me questions about why i had it, why i didn’t wait, what if i regret it, etc. and i was honest with them saying i never want children, pregnancy freaks me out and how i’d be a terrible parent anyways.
well unknown to anyone else but my mom, my aunt and her husband had been trying to get pregnant for nearly 3 years and were struggling.
after we all left i went back to my parents to hangout and my mom said that it was really rude of me to talk about it infront of them and that i was “rubbing it in that i could have had kids but threw that away” and “why did i have to make a spectacle about my choices” and “i should think about what others are going through before running my mouth” in the end i was advised that from now on i should just keep my lifestyle to myself.
so aita for talking about my choice to get sterilized infront of my aunt and anyone’s else?
| 3,092 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oj6lyg/aita_for_talking_about_my_tubal_infront_of_my_aunt/
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2021-07-13 02:49:29
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nta. why is it okay for uncle to bring it up and not you? oh right, because all women everywhere are expected to want to have kids. you were catching up with family, which was the point of the evening, and talking to people asking questions. you weren't going up and shoving your face in your aunt's and demeaning her or even bringing her up at all. i get that it's hard to want what comes so easily to others and not get it, but that doesn't mean everyone who can get pregnant should. not wanting to is valid. anyone that makes someone else's life and life choices about themselves have bigger problems, imo.
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your "lifestyle"? your lifestyle of... making medical decision about your own body?
also good goddamn i hate the attitude of "you'll regret/how could you throw away" , it's so reductive! you are more than your potential to make a baby!
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nta.
the blatant sexism in your family is obscenely cringy. you were awful for deciding what to do with your body but nobody paid mind to the uncle with a vasectomy? ridiculous.
then there is this gem...
>i was “rubbing it in that i could have had kids but threw that away”
but if you had kids and brought them, that wouldn't at all rub in the fact that they are struggling with conception while you got pregnant with ease?
my heart goes to those that struggle to conceive, right up until they start deflecting their issues onto those that have child or choose not to.
edit to fix typo.
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nta. how is it \_your fault\_ for talking about something that your uncle brought up? you didn't walk out of the house yelling "i don't want and can't have babies" you just joined a conversation. your aunt's situation is sad but nobody even knew about it, she can't expect everyone to tiptoe around a subject they don't know to avoid.
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nta. it sounds like your mom got offended on your aunt and uncle’s behalf. you didn’t know about their troubles. it’s not like you getting sterilized made it harder for them to get pregnant.
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nta! major sexism going on here; they went off on you for choosing not to have kids, but didn't say a word to your uncle who made the same decision? it's only freakout worthy if it's a woman, apparently. fuck those people.
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nta. i’m infertile and have been a member of the ivf community for 5 fucking years, and at no point would i ever oppress another uterus-haver from making a decision against having children just because i can’t have that choice.
our bodies, our rules.
it’s honestly disgusting they are holding their infertility health issues against your autonomy.
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congrats! i got a hysterectomy last july at 31 completely by choice. 💕 oh. um nta!!
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nta, just because she cant get pregnant doesn't mean she can get salty over someone else not wanting kids. besides, you weren't even rubbing it in. you just said why and that's where it should have ended.
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nta. you didn’t know. they can’t have it both ways - wanting people to be mindful of their sensitivities *and* wanting to keep the issue private. you get one or the other, because people literally can’t accommodate you if they don’t know there’s an issue.
and, even if you did know, your fallopian tubes have literally nothing to do with their fertility struggles. makes about as much sense as if you yelled at people for having kids when you don’t want any.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so i (21f) had a bisalp (my fallopian tubes removed) back in november completely by choice as i don’t want children. because of covid my extended family hasn’t all gotten together in over a year until last week we had a backyard bbq. we of course we’re all catching up on everything that happened and my one uncle mentioned how he’d recently had a vasectomy (he has 2 kids) and talked about his recovery time and how easy it was for him. so i brought up my surgery and we started comparing how differently our experiences were and this lead to the family asking me questions about why i had it, why i didn’t wait, what if i regret it, etc. and i was honest with them saying i never want children, pregnancy freaks me out and how i’d be a terrible parent anyways. well unknown to anyone else but my mom, my aunt and her husband had been trying to get pregnant for nearly 3 years and were struggling. after we all left i went back to my parents to hangout and my mom said that it was really rude of me to talk about it infront of them and that i was “rubbing it in that i could have had kids but threw that away” and “why did i have to make a spectacle about my choices” and “i should think about what others are going through before running my mouth” in the end i was advised that from now on i should just keep my lifestyle to myself. so aita for talking about my choice to get sterilized infront of my aunt and anyone’s else?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
so i (21f) had a bisalp (my fallopian tubes removed) back in november completely by choice as i don’t want children. because of covid my extended family hasn’t all gotten together in over a year until last week we had a backyard bbq. we of course we’re all catching up on everything that happened and my one uncle mentioned how he’d recently had a vasectomy (he has 2 kids) and talked about his recovery time and how easy it was for him. so i brought up my surgery and we started comparing how differently our experiences were and this lead to the family asking me questions about why i had it, why i didn’t wait, what if i regret it, etc. and i was honest with them saying i never want children, pregnancy freaks me out and how i’d be a terrible parent anyways. well unknown to anyone else but my mom, my aunt and her husband had been trying to get pregnant for nearly 3 years and were struggling. after we all left i went back to my parents to hangout and my mom said that it was really rude of me to talk about it infront of them and that i was “rubbing it in that i could have had kids but threw that away” and “why did i have to make a spectacle about my choices” and “i should think about what others are going through before running my mouth” in the end i was advised that from now on i should just keep my lifestyle to myself. so aita for talking about my choice to get sterilized infront of my aunt and anyone’s else? [/INST] nta. why is it okay for uncle to bring it up and not you? oh right, because all women everywhere are expected to want to have kids. you were catching up with family, which was the point of the evening, and talking to people asking questions. you weren't going up and shoving your face in your aunt's and demeaning her or even bringing her up at all. i get that it's hard to want what comes so easily to others and not get it, but that doesn't mean everyone who can get pregnant should. not wanting to is valid. anyone that makes someone else's life and life choices about themselves have bigger problems, imo. </s>
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AITA for not giving my mom access to my money?
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my uncle and my mom have been arguing over this, and i feel terrible. i don't know what to think.
so, my mom let me get anything under 25$ to easter, given it's on amazon. i got a small mini 'atm' of sorts. it has a 4 digit passcode, and makes noise when someone attempts to open it and even louder if you fail. plus it automatically sucks in your money, like an atm would.
i had been looking at this for awhile, saving up my allowance and planning to get it. since it was under the price range, so i asked and she got it for me.
it came in yesterday, and i put the batteries in, set the code and already put the money i had in it (i get a 10 dollar allowance, and if i do certain tasks i get an extra 10-20 dollars.) which is only about 10 bucks right now.
my mom asked for the passcode, which frankly i thought was a joke, so i told her a fake one. i just thought it was her messing with me and trying to get me to laugh.
she came home today, and did her inspection of my room. (i have been spending the past few days working on the rest of the house, so haven't gotten a chance to). i didn't think she would try anything, so i continued making myself some sandwiches for a late brunch. it was 10 am, i couldn't care less.
then i heard the noise it made when you failed the passcode, i tested it night prior just in case, and rushed to my room. what i see is my mom trying to get into it, then turned to me and glared. "you told me the passcode was 1234! why isn't it working?!" i was confused and taken back. like, who expects this from their mom?
i got upset aswell and yelled at her to get the f out of my room and away from my money! she left in a huff, and when my uncle came home he got his ear talked (practically yelled) off for it. he says i shouldn't of lied, but i didn't have to give her the passcode.
now those two are arguing and i feel really bad for causing it. aita?
&#x200b;
| 9,161 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/te4wni/aita_for_not_giving_my_mom_access_to_my_money/
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2022-03-14 18:58:20
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nta at all
your mother is pissed off at you because she couldn’t break into what amounts to your piggy bank and steal back your allowance. that’s next level assholery.
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nta
the real question is why your mum is trying to steal your money!
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nta have to say better check your credit score with your ss#. good job on safe, wow. trust nobody with your money...period.
btw tell her it's nunya.
none ya business.
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nta! why does she need to know the passcode? don't give it to her. i had parents who stole our money from our own savings accounts. money we saved through holidays and birthdays and actually money earned from working odd jobs. remind your uncle that he may think you're a liar, but that your mom is a thief. which is worse? not you!
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nta
this is bizarre. did she offer an explanation for why she would want to get into it?
it sounds like either she's a petty thief, or she was irrationally paranoid, thinking you hid drugs in it or something. either way, she's in the wrong. you and your uncle are right.
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nta
&#x200b;
but hide most of your money somewhere else.
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nta, why tf does your mother check your room? did you do something in the past before? hide your money bro
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nta. your mom needs to stay fuck out of your atm thing.
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nta. you probably should not have lied. you just should have said no. on the other hand, you thought she was joking and/or would not actually try to take your money.
regardless, i would advise, if she brings this up again, just say, "this is not open for discussion" and walk away.
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maybe she thinks you’re hiding drugs inside 🤣😂
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my uncle and my mom have been arguing over this, and i feel terrible. i don't know what to think. so, my mom let me get anything under 25$ to easter, given it's on amazon. i got a small mini 'atm' of sorts. it has a 4 digit passcode, and makes noise when someone attempts to open it and even louder if you fail. plus it automatically sucks in your money, like an atm would. i had been looking at this for awhile, saving up my allowance and planning to get it. since it was under the price range, so i asked and she got it for me. it came in yesterday, and i put the batteries in, set the code and already put the money i had in it (i get a 10 dollar allowance, and if i do certain tasks i get an extra 10-20 dollars.) which is only about 10 bucks right now. my mom asked for the passcode, which frankly i thought was a joke, so i told her a fake one. i just thought it was her messing with me and trying to get me to laugh. she came home today, and did her inspection of my room. (i have been spending the past few days working on the rest of the house, so haven't gotten a chance to). i didn't think she would try anything, so i continued making myself some sandwiches for a late brunch. it was 10 am, i couldn't care less. then i heard the noise it made when you failed the passcode, i tested it night prior just in case, and rushed to my room. what i see is my mom trying to get into it, then turned to me and glared. "you told me the passcode was 1234! why isn't it working?!" i was confused and taken back. like, who expects this from their mom? i got upset aswell and yelled at her to get the f out of my room and away from my money! she left in a huff, and when my uncle came home he got his ear talked (practically yelled) off for it. he says i shouldn't of lied, but i didn't have to give her the passcode. now those two are arguing and i feel really bad for causing it. aita? &#x200b;
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
my uncle and my mom have been arguing over this, and i feel terrible. i don't know what to think. so, my mom let me get anything under 25$ to easter, given it's on amazon. i got a small mini 'atm' of sorts. it has a 4 digit passcode, and makes noise when someone attempts to open it and even louder if you fail. plus it automatically sucks in your money, like an atm would. i had been looking at this for awhile, saving up my allowance and planning to get it. since it was under the price range, so i asked and she got it for me. it came in yesterday, and i put the batteries in, set the code and already put the money i had in it (i get a 10 dollar allowance, and if i do certain tasks i get an extra 10-20 dollars.) which is only about 10 bucks right now. my mom asked for the passcode, which frankly i thought was a joke, so i told her a fake one. i just thought it was her messing with me and trying to get me to laugh. she came home today, and did her inspection of my room. (i have been spending the past few days working on the rest of the house, so haven't gotten a chance to). i didn't think she would try anything, so i continued making myself some sandwiches for a late brunch. it was 10 am, i couldn't care less. then i heard the noise it made when you failed the passcode, i tested it night prior just in case, and rushed to my room. what i see is my mom trying to get into it, then turned to me and glared. "you told me the passcode was 1234! why isn't it working?!" i was confused and taken back. like, who expects this from their mom? i got upset aswell and yelled at her to get the f out of my room and away from my money! she left in a huff, and when my uncle came home he got his ear talked (practically yelled) off for it. he says i shouldn't of lied, but i didn't have to give her the passcode. now those two are arguing and i feel really bad for causing it. aita? &#x200b; [/INST] nta at all your mother is pissed off at you because she couldn’t break into what amounts to your piggy bank and steal back your allowance. that’s next level assholery. </s>
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AITA for refusing to pay for a gravestone?
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i (m27) live with my wife (f27) in a flat that we rent. we both work a lot of hours and are saving up to get a deposit on a house. we've saved up quite a bit of money so far and are very pleased with ourselves.
i have a younger sister esme (f24). esme also lives with her spouse, and unfortunately recently lost a baby boy who they named oscar. esme went into labour very early and the baby was stillborn. she and her husband were heartbroken and i feel awful for them.
they held a small funeral service for oscar with close family, and my wife and i attended.
esme's husband reached out to me a few days ago and asked if i could do him a favour.
i asked what he needed. he explained that he and esme got oscar cremated and have been keeping his ashes in an urn at home, but decided they want to get a gravestone for oscar at the local cemetery.
he explained that the gravestone prices are very high, and getting the gravestone that they want would cost around £2,500. he asked me if me and my wife could find it in our hearts to pay for the gravestone as a gift to him, to esme and to oscar. i told him i would talk to my wife about it.
i talked to my wife and we agreed that although the situation is very sad, we can't just shell out 2.5 grand for this. esme started sending me lots of pictures of the style of gravestone that they wanted.
i talked to esme and her husband in person and in private. i tried to approach this as delicately as possible because i know they're still grieving. i told them that i'm sorry but me and my wife can't pay for the gravestone.
esme was distraut and said that she knows we're saving up for a house deposit, and pointed out things we've spent our money on recently (me buying trainers, my wife getting her hair done, etc). i told esme that those things don't amount to 2.5k, i told her i'm sorry that she's upset but this isn't a helpful conversation for anyone. esme's husband started yelling at me and told me that i'm a pos brother and that i should be ashamed of myself.
they both stormed out, and have been making passive aggressive posts on social media that are obviously about me. i feel terrible and can't stop thinking about the conversation, and wondering if i should apologise again.
my wife says i'm overthinking and that esme and her husband are just acting out because of their grief and will come to their senses.
was i the ah?
| 1,755 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xhiauh/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_for_a_gravestone/
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2022-09-18 14:35:48
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nta. he could get a burial plot without a gravestone if he wished, and pay for the stone later.
edit to add: i wonder if the cemetery tried to con him into paying for the plot and gravestone together, without mentioning that he could buy the plot alone.
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nta. although this couple are grieving the loss of a child (and i'm sorry for their loss and prayers over the family)..**.it is not their job to make a list of how you and your wife spend your money, how you spend or save your money.** if they want a gravesite, aren't their ways to make payments for something like this? perhaps they can save up and do a headstone at the 1st year anniversary as a memorial? but nta, this is not your responsibility. you said 'no', you said you could not budget this in. that is enough.
to be perfectly blunt (and i'm sorry again for saying this!): the money they (should have?) had saved towards everything their baby would need (crib, clothes, all baby things that expectant parents buy and save for) could be used for the gravesite headstone they want.
i am very sorry for their loss and all of the family's grieving. prayers.
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nta. my husband and i lost a child in 2014. she was born premature and passed away 4 months later. i wanted a cremation, but my husband wanted a burial. i went with my husband’s decision as i felt it was what he needed.
she doesn’t have a headstone as we don’t have the funds to afford one, but we have decorated her resting place with a pretty fence and toys etc. not once have i thought to ask someone else to cover the cost. she was our daughter, it was our loss and therefore our responsibility to provide her with a headstone when we have saved the money. (we probably would have had the money by now, but we were blessed with a son in 2015 and are both on minimum wage. boy, kids aren’t cheap!)
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nta. while i understand that they are grieving, they are being manipulative. they have no right to decide how you spend your money.
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nta at all. i think your wife is spot on. they are grieving, understandably so, and perhaps looking at a gravestone as a material replacement for oscar, proof that he was here and that he mattered. i'm so sorry for their loss. let some time go by.
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nta.
like other commenters said: there are charity groups that help for situations like these. they can ask several people in the family to help instead of just one (instead of just you, op).
>he asked me if me and my wife could find it in our hearts to pay for the gravestone as a gift to him, to esme and to oscar.
when they formed the question like this, they expected and counted on the answer to be an immediate yes. they even made themselves believe it was a yes. why wouldn't a loving uncle "gift" his dead nephew with an expensive headstone? it's confirmed by the fact they didn't take your respectful and gracious real answer of "no."
this whole ordeal of asking for a favor and gift, "out of the goodness of your heart" and then guilt tripping you after you said you couldn't is wrong. i understand they're grieving, but it's not an excuse to guilt trip good family membets.
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>esme and her husband are just acting out because of their grief
mehhh...they're also making this demand because they know way too much about your finances, including the fact that you have a tidy sum tucked away towards your house, and that you recently bought running shoes, etc. they wouldn't ask a poor relative to do this, but they asked you.
nta to refuse, op. and never, ever discuss your finances with these folks again -- it won't end well.
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nta
they are grieving so may not be themselves right now but they're trying to manipulate you/ guilt you and judge you on how you're spending your own earnings which is bs.
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nta
that's a lot of money. they could get a big rock, hammer and chisel for a lot less.
point being. they don't get to make demands from others for burial funds. if they don't have the money. they make do with what they can afford. i'm sure there's also charities which help with burial funds for this sort of situation.
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nta. they should not be expecting you to foot the entire bill for the gravestone. i don't even understand why they think they are entitled to your money that way. they could have asked for a contribution but to ask for the whole amount is too much.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (m27) live with my wife (f27) in a flat that we rent. we both work a lot of hours and are saving up to get a deposit on a house. we've saved up quite a bit of money so far and are very pleased with ourselves. i have a younger sister esme (f24). esme also lives with her spouse, and unfortunately recently lost a baby boy who they named oscar. esme went into labour very early and the baby was stillborn. she and her husband were heartbroken and i feel awful for them. they held a small funeral service for oscar with close family, and my wife and i attended. esme's husband reached out to me a few days ago and asked if i could do him a favour. i asked what he needed. he explained that he and esme got oscar cremated and have been keeping his ashes in an urn at home, but decided they want to get a gravestone for oscar at the local cemetery. he explained that the gravestone prices are very high, and getting the gravestone that they want would cost around £2,500. he asked me if me and my wife could find it in our hearts to pay for the gravestone as a gift to him, to esme and to oscar. i told him i would talk to my wife about it. i talked to my wife and we agreed that although the situation is very sad, we can't just shell out 2.5 grand for this. esme started sending me lots of pictures of the style of gravestone that they wanted. i talked to esme and her husband in person and in private. i tried to approach this as delicately as possible because i know they're still grieving. i told them that i'm sorry but me and my wife can't pay for the gravestone. esme was distraut and said that she knows we're saving up for a house deposit, and pointed out things we've spent our money on recently (me buying trainers, my wife getting her hair done, etc). i told esme that those things don't amount to 2.5k, i told her i'm sorry that she's upset but this isn't a helpful conversation for anyone. esme's husband started yelling at me and told me that i'm a pos brother and that i should be ashamed of myself. they both stormed out, and have been making passive aggressive posts on social media that are obviously about me. i feel terrible and can't stop thinking about the conversation, and wondering if i should apologise again. my wife says i'm overthinking and that esme and her husband are just acting out because of their grief and will come to their senses. was i the ah?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i (m27) live with my wife (f27) in a flat that we rent. we both work a lot of hours and are saving up to get a deposit on a house. we've saved up quite a bit of money so far and are very pleased with ourselves. i have a younger sister esme (f24). esme also lives with her spouse, and unfortunately recently lost a baby boy who they named oscar. esme went into labour very early and the baby was stillborn. she and her husband were heartbroken and i feel awful for them. they held a small funeral service for oscar with close family, and my wife and i attended. esme's husband reached out to me a few days ago and asked if i could do him a favour. i asked what he needed. he explained that he and esme got oscar cremated and have been keeping his ashes in an urn at home, but decided they want to get a gravestone for oscar at the local cemetery. he explained that the gravestone prices are very high, and getting the gravestone that they want would cost around £2,500. he asked me if me and my wife could find it in our hearts to pay for the gravestone as a gift to him, to esme and to oscar. i told him i would talk to my wife about it. i talked to my wife and we agreed that although the situation is very sad, we can't just shell out 2.5 grand for this. esme started sending me lots of pictures of the style of gravestone that they wanted. i talked to esme and her husband in person and in private. i tried to approach this as delicately as possible because i know they're still grieving. i told them that i'm sorry but me and my wife can't pay for the gravestone. esme was distraut and said that she knows we're saving up for a house deposit, and pointed out things we've spent our money on recently (me buying trainers, my wife getting her hair done, etc). i told esme that those things don't amount to 2.5k, i told her i'm sorry that she's upset but this isn't a helpful conversation for anyone. esme's husband started yelling at me and told me that i'm a pos brother and that i should be ashamed of myself. they both stormed out, and have been making passive aggressive posts on social media that are obviously about me. i feel terrible and can't stop thinking about the conversation, and wondering if i should apologise again. my wife says i'm overthinking and that esme and her husband are just acting out because of their grief and will come to their senses. was i the ah? [/INST] nta. he could get a burial plot without a gravestone if he wished, and pay for the stone later. edit to add: i wonder if the cemetery tried to con him into paying for the plot and gravestone together, without mentioning that he could buy the plot alone. </s>
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AITA for letting my mom in on my son birth but not my MIL
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english is not my first language and throwaway because a fell friends know my main
in january i (27f) gave birth to my first baby, a lovely boy, the first grandchild of my side and the first boy on my husband family.
my initial plan was only my husband (31m) could be with me during the birth and family could come and await or be called when the baby arrives. both of our parents decided to come.
after 10 hours the birth was more hard them the expected, i was tired, scared, literally crying. so i gave up and asked my husband to call my mom, i just fell like i needed her there. not much later the baby was born. i was holding my mom's hand so hard that one of her fingers broke.
in the other day when she came visit me and the baby she was pretty cold with me but i was too happy to give attention to it. but after that i noticed i was receiving the cold treatment in every single family event. when i asked what was the problem she simple said "nothing" or "i don't know what you are talking about".
during this time for obvious reasons i am not permitting any visitors, but i offered my mil to facetime with her so she can see the baby, this have been working fine, until yesterday. my mom is staying with us, my father is a first responder and was afraid of infect my mom, she have asthma. i was bathing and asked my mom to accept the call when she call, when i was out of the bath my mom was showing the baby and everything was fine, my mom said "look (my name) finished" and pointed the camera to me, i waived for her she disconnected the call, i sent a message asking if she wanted to call again, she sent me "no, that was enough". (she normally always bargain more time)
this morning i was lot more inpatient, i called her:
me - what is the problem and don't say nothing.
mil - you really didn't found the problem?
me - no, i can't read your mind, you don't say it, how am i suppose to know?
mil - your favoritism over your mom is the problem
me - what are you even talking about?
mil - she was with you when the baby born and i couldn't, she can visit the baby and i can't.
me - she was not visiting, she is staying here.
mil - why you didn't told me?
me - because i don't need to tell you when we have guests. you have treated me so bad because i didn't let you in while i was giving birth? by the love of god. i was vulnerable, in pain, and naked, i didn't wanted no one in there, she only entered because i was scared and really needed her!
mil - i was there for all my grandchildren birth, you make me break the tradition
me - i was in pain and trying to push a baby out of my body! you know what i am tired of this, you can get over this or pass the rest of your life with that crap attitude.
my husband told me that she really was in the room in all the others deliveries, and since i called my mom it would be a nice gesture permit her to get in too. but i still had the right to choose that.
so i was the asshole?
| 3,214 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/fsy823/aita_for_letting_my_mom_in_on_my_son_birth_but/
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2020-04-01 11:44:39
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nta. she's being a big baby. being in the room is a privilege, not a right.
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nta is it really so common to have the mil in the delivery room? i see so many of these where mils are upset they aren't in the delivery room, but i wasn't aware that that was even a thing. of course you want your own mom with you when your scared.
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nta. your mother was there for you. your mil wanted to be there for herself.
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nta. when you are in labor & delivery, you’re the boss. it’s totally understandable that you would want you own mother when you were in pain. she can just get over it or not be a part of her grandson’s life. it’s not like you can go back and change it.
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nta
the woman pushing a human out of her body is the only one who gets to decide which family members are there.
mil can take her ‘tradition’ and go jump.
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from your mil perspective. the babe is a wanted resource that needs to be shared.
so your mom gained access to something she wanted that she didn't get. she felt cheated losing on the expected "moment" of birth.
your mil is selfish and this pov is wrong. she's free to be disappointed and even hurt that she missed out on that moment, but you're a human being and as soon as a person is thinking "well yeah, it could have been fair" are expecting an inhuman response.
you were scared, and you wanted your mom.
anyone that expects a mother in a hard birth to think about shit like who is getting equal timing, those are people that will probably never respect your autonomy as a person now that the baby is here.
if you're now just "mother of \[child\]" to your mil now, good riddance to her then.
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nta and you should talk to your husband about dealing with this on your behalf.
your mil is unreasonable to be upset about any of this, plus she should be asking questions if she's bothered, not being cold with you and expecting you to know.
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nta you get to decide who is in the delivery room, mil is not entitled to be there if you dont want her there. your mom would not have been there either if it had been an easier birth right? it is the fact that you needed extra support and reached out to your mom and that should be completely understandable. mil needs to grow up and quit being so selfish.
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nta no one is entitled to be in the room with you. period. your husband should be backing you up here, not siding with his mom. you should address that with him because it's not ok.
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nta
having your own mother comfort you in that time makes 100% sense. having your mil there for her own wacky tradition sounds exhausting.
birth is not a spectator sport!!
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: english is not my first language and throwaway because a fell friends know my main in january i (27f) gave birth to my first baby, a lovely boy, the first grandchild of my side and the first boy on my husband family. my initial plan was only my husband (31m) could be with me during the birth and family could come and await or be called when the baby arrives. both of our parents decided to come. after 10 hours the birth was more hard them the expected, i was tired, scared, literally crying. so i gave up and asked my husband to call my mom, i just fell like i needed her there. not much later the baby was born. i was holding my mom's hand so hard that one of her fingers broke. in the other day when she came visit me and the baby she was pretty cold with me but i was too happy to give attention to it. but after that i noticed i was receiving the cold treatment in every single family event. when i asked what was the problem she simple said "nothing" or "i don't know what you are talking about". during this time for obvious reasons i am not permitting any visitors, but i offered my mil to facetime with her so she can see the baby, this have been working fine, until yesterday. my mom is staying with us, my father is a first responder and was afraid of infect my mom, she have asthma. i was bathing and asked my mom to accept the call when she call, when i was out of the bath my mom was showing the baby and everything was fine, my mom said "look (my name) finished" and pointed the camera to me, i waived for her she disconnected the call, i sent a message asking if she wanted to call again, she sent me "no, that was enough". (she normally always bargain more time) this morning i was lot more inpatient, i called her: me - what is the problem and don't say nothing. mil - you really didn't found the problem? me - no, i can't read your mind, you don't say it, how am i suppose to know? mil - your favoritism over your mom is the problem me - what are you even talking about? mil - she was with you when the baby born and i couldn't, she can visit the baby and i can't. me - she was not visiting, she is staying here. mil - why you didn't told me? me - because i don't need to tell you when we have guests. you have treated me so bad because i didn't let you in while i was giving birth? by the love of god. i was vulnerable, in pain, and naked, i didn't wanted no one in there, she only entered because i was scared and really needed her! mil - i was there for all my grandchildren birth, you make me break the tradition me - i was in pain and trying to push a baby out of my body! you know what i am tired of this, you can get over this or pass the rest of your life with that crap attitude. my husband told me that she really was in the room in all the others deliveries, and since i called my mom it would be a nice gesture permit her to get in too. but i still had the right to choose that. so i was the asshole?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
english is not my first language and throwaway because a fell friends know my main in january i (27f) gave birth to my first baby, a lovely boy, the first grandchild of my side and the first boy on my husband family. my initial plan was only my husband (31m) could be with me during the birth and family could come and await or be called when the baby arrives. both of our parents decided to come. after 10 hours the birth was more hard them the expected, i was tired, scared, literally crying. so i gave up and asked my husband to call my mom, i just fell like i needed her there. not much later the baby was born. i was holding my mom's hand so hard that one of her fingers broke. in the other day when she came visit me and the baby she was pretty cold with me but i was too happy to give attention to it. but after that i noticed i was receiving the cold treatment in every single family event. when i asked what was the problem she simple said "nothing" or "i don't know what you are talking about". during this time for obvious reasons i am not permitting any visitors, but i offered my mil to facetime with her so she can see the baby, this have been working fine, until yesterday. my mom is staying with us, my father is a first responder and was afraid of infect my mom, she have asthma. i was bathing and asked my mom to accept the call when she call, when i was out of the bath my mom was showing the baby and everything was fine, my mom said "look (my name) finished" and pointed the camera to me, i waived for her she disconnected the call, i sent a message asking if she wanted to call again, she sent me "no, that was enough". (she normally always bargain more time) this morning i was lot more inpatient, i called her: me - what is the problem and don't say nothing. mil - you really didn't found the problem? me - no, i can't read your mind, you don't say it, how am i suppose to know? mil - your favoritism over your mom is the problem me - what are you even talking about? mil - she was with you when the baby born and i couldn't, she can visit the baby and i can't. me - she was not visiting, she is staying here. mil - why you didn't told me? me - because i don't need to tell you when we have guests. you have treated me so bad because i didn't let you in while i was giving birth? by the love of god. i was vulnerable, in pain, and naked, i didn't wanted no one in there, she only entered because i was scared and really needed her! mil - i was there for all my grandchildren birth, you make me break the tradition me - i was in pain and trying to push a baby out of my body! you know what i am tired of this, you can get over this or pass the rest of your life with that crap attitude. my husband told me that she really was in the room in all the others deliveries, and since i called my mom it would be a nice gesture permit her to get in too. but i still had the right to choose that. so i was the asshole? [/INST] nta. she's being a big baby. being in the room is a privilege, not a right. </s>
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AITA for causing an imbalance the local rates?
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this is a very weird situation and i didn't know how else to phrase it.
i (48f) am a second generation american indian. my parents were born in india and we haven't been there in decades, but they taught me hindi so i could get by in india when we went their for vacations.
my parents recently passed away and they have a decently big house in india which automatically went to me.
international flights opened up again and i was able to go to india. the house needed some renovation(plaster repair, repainting etc.) and heavy cleaning done after decades of not being used. luckily, there was a construction project going on nearby and i found some workers who were willing to work outside of their work hours for extra pay. i also approached 2 househelps/ cleaners as they were leaving after finishing jobs at neighbouring houses and they agreed to work for me.
a week passed and everything is going great. however i was visited by a neighbour this morning and she told me that i was paying the cleaners too much and that they were threatening to leave their jobs at a few other houses too if they dint get more pay. i was a bit confused, but i told her i'll see what i can do. we live in a neighborhood full of other fairly big houses and the cost of living in india isn't very high,so i don't think anyone is really struggling financially here.
after she left, i went online and found out somethings. india has a large income disparity so manual labour is done by people from lower income families. since housekeeping is extremely expensive in the states, i wasn't aware of how much the indian rate was. i paid them daily by converting the amount i would've paid a worker in the states for such work into indian rupees. apparently this was more than 10 times of what the cleaners are paid by the locals here (the neighbour told me how much h the other neighbours and she paid).
all the workers are doing great jobs and don't mind going out of their way to help me with extra tasks like moving furniture around. both me and my partner earn well so it isn't a financial burden for us. caste is a sensitive issue in india and opportunities received here unfortunately depend heavily on your caste. most workers and low income households are of lower castes and i'm a bit empathetic because my parents were disowned by their families for marrying outside their caste.
however, i'm conflicted because we'll be here for 3 months and don't know what will happen to our neighbours if the other workers start demanding higher pay too.
aita?
| 823 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jd9vn5/aita_for_causing_an_imbalance_the_local_rates/
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2020-10-18 04:24:20
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nta, but please make them aware that you will only be employing them for 3 months.
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nta - you are paying them what you think is fair. what the others are paying them is not your concern. what the workers decide to do outside of your employ because of money issues is also not your concern.
if they want to quit their other jobs, that is their right. you would be an asshole to start paying them less in order to force them to not quit their other job.
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nta but this is such a hard topic because:
1. you literally gave these people another chance at a good livelihood because you were generous enough to pay them a us rate
but
2. will probably throw off the entire "economy" of the rich people living around you
to me, nta because there is nothing right about exploiting those that work for you, regardless of your outdated views. i don't know much about the caste system in india other than you're stuck in that level for the rest of your life and if your generosity is giving them the courage to ask for better pay then so be it. good on you
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nta. your neighbours are trying to uphold some silly caste system. i’d say keep paying them what you’re currently paying now, they deserve more and i imagine they have families to take care of.
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nta but the indian caste system is a deranged joke... that people will kill to uphold... so be careful. maybe discuss it with the workers and see if you can find a way to pay them more discreetly.
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nta but maybe next time do a bit of research beforehand.
there is nothing wrong with paying people a wage you can afford. i don't think your neighbors are going to lose their employees because unless you are about to hire them they are not going to be able to find a job with that pay raise somewhere else.
essentially, you may have made a few enemies in the neighborhood but you also may have changed the lives of a few people who are going to have a bit of a windfall.
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pay the workers what you think is fair. if you can afford to pay them well, do it. like you said, it's for 3 months and the extra money is certainly appreciated. nta
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i never comment on here though i often read the sub. but in this case, this is something my wife and i deal with. in this case i'm saying yta. you aren't intentionally, and i totally get where you're coming from.
we live in a poorer area of brazil. we have a house helper a couple of days a week. we pay workers to do home improvements, yard work, and other things. i'm used to sing this all myself, but the expectation here is that we hire people to help the local community.
when moving to brazil some other expats gave us the advice to ask around for the going rate for a particular type of work, find someone to hire, and ask them their rate. invariably they ask for a bit more than the normal rate since we are americans. i joke it's the american tax. as long as their rate is reasonable (maybe 10-15% more than the average worker) and it's someone we think will do a good job we just roll with it. we can afford to pay a little higher than average. we pay well and consistently, but to pay someone even 2x the going rate can cause issues in the community. instead what we do is quietly give bonuses or help those we hire out. for someone doing a construction project or repair, i'll pay for the specialized tool they need but don't have and then give it to them. or give them the leftover material of they want it. i'll give them a bonus at the end of the work. for our house helper we have paid for her son to go to the doctor, we've paid her two weeks of salary when she couldn't work because her grandma was sick and she was caring for her (and then burying her thanks to a stroke). we bring her kids presents from the us.
there economic disparity here isn't as bad as in india, but it's pretty bad. we don't make much working for a non-profit, but we do what we can to help others. but paying 10x the normal rate isn't helping. it's setting them up to burn bridges with other employers and it's giving them work that is unsustainable. instead consider paying above the normal rate, but not that much. and then give them a good bonus.
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nta but you should make it clear to the people you're employing what the end of term is for this job. if they're getting life changing money, they might start changing their life without knowing that the job is temporary.
also, you could let them know that you're going to continue paying them this amount but it's unlikely anyone else would, so just be thankful.
and between you and me (and the rest of reddit i guess), i do hope you change some lives, because caste systems and forced poverty can go to hell.
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nta. if their help is worth it to you and you like giving them a little extra help, pay them. you're just one person. you're not going to upset the whole local economy in 3 months.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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YTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0.024 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: this is a very weird situation and i didn't know how else to phrase it. i (48f) am a second generation american indian. my parents were born in india and we haven't been there in decades, but they taught me hindi so i could get by in india when we went their for vacations. my parents recently passed away and they have a decently big house in india which automatically went to me. international flights opened up again and i was able to go to india. the house needed some renovation(plaster repair, repainting etc.) and heavy cleaning done after decades of not being used. luckily, there was a construction project going on nearby and i found some workers who were willing to work outside of their work hours for extra pay. i also approached 2 househelps/ cleaners as they were leaving after finishing jobs at neighbouring houses and they agreed to work for me. a week passed and everything is going great. however i was visited by a neighbour this morning and she told me that i was paying the cleaners too much and that they were threatening to leave their jobs at a few other houses too if they dint get more pay. i was a bit confused, but i told her i'll see what i can do. we live in a neighborhood full of other fairly big houses and the cost of living in india isn't very high,so i don't think anyone is really struggling financially here. after she left, i went online and found out somethings. india has a large income disparity so manual labour is done by people from lower income families. since housekeeping is extremely expensive in the states, i wasn't aware of how much the indian rate was. i paid them daily by converting the amount i would've paid a worker in the states for such work into indian rupees. apparently this was more than 10 times of what the cleaners are paid by the locals here (the neighbour told me how much h the other neighbours and she paid). all the workers are doing great jobs and don't mind going out of their way to help me with extra tasks like moving furniture around. both me and my partner earn well so it isn't a financial burden for us. caste is a sensitive issue in india and opportunities received here unfortunately depend heavily on your caste. most workers and low income households are of lower castes and i'm a bit empathetic because my parents were disowned by their families for marrying outside their caste. however, i'm conflicted because we'll be here for 3 months and don't know what will happen to our neighbours if the other workers start demanding higher pay too. aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
this is a very weird situation and i didn't know how else to phrase it. i (48f) am a second generation american indian. my parents were born in india and we haven't been there in decades, but they taught me hindi so i could get by in india when we went their for vacations. my parents recently passed away and they have a decently big house in india which automatically went to me. international flights opened up again and i was able to go to india. the house needed some renovation(plaster repair, repainting etc.) and heavy cleaning done after decades of not being used. luckily, there was a construction project going on nearby and i found some workers who were willing to work outside of their work hours for extra pay. i also approached 2 househelps/ cleaners as they were leaving after finishing jobs at neighbouring houses and they agreed to work for me. a week passed and everything is going great. however i was visited by a neighbour this morning and she told me that i was paying the cleaners too much and that they were threatening to leave their jobs at a few other houses too if they dint get more pay. i was a bit confused, but i told her i'll see what i can do. we live in a neighborhood full of other fairly big houses and the cost of living in india isn't very high,so i don't think anyone is really struggling financially here. after she left, i went online and found out somethings. india has a large income disparity so manual labour is done by people from lower income families. since housekeeping is extremely expensive in the states, i wasn't aware of how much the indian rate was. i paid them daily by converting the amount i would've paid a worker in the states for such work into indian rupees. apparently this was more than 10 times of what the cleaners are paid by the locals here (the neighbour told me how much h the other neighbours and she paid). all the workers are doing great jobs and don't mind going out of their way to help me with extra tasks like moving furniture around. both me and my partner earn well so it isn't a financial burden for us. caste is a sensitive issue in india and opportunities received here unfortunately depend heavily on your caste. most workers and low income households are of lower castes and i'm a bit empathetic because my parents were disowned by their families for marrying outside their caste. however, i'm conflicted because we'll be here for 3 months and don't know what will happen to our neighbours if the other workers start demanding higher pay too. aita? [/INST] nta, but please make them aware that you will only be employing them for 3 months. </s>
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AITA: For Refusing to call One of my Parents, Mom.
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i’m 19 and my brother is 22.
two years ago, my parents got divorced. four months later it was revealed that the reason for the divorce was that my dad was transgender. in the matter of a minute, the man i grew up with died and replaced by a completely different person named kate.
my brother did not take the news well and cut kate out his life for a while. for me, i have been supportive of her transition, while grieving at the same time.
for thanksgiving, kate invited my brother and i over for dinner with her partner. it took a lot of convincing to get my brother to go. dinner was going okay, until kate stated it would be her greatest wish if we called her mom. my brother yelled absolutely not and stormed out. when kate looked at me for support, i told her that i would never call her mom or see her as such
later that night, i received a text from kate’s partner, who said kate was extremely hurt by the rejection. i didn’t know how to handle the text, so i showed it to my brother. he called kate and yelled at her for trying to emotionally manipulate me.
since thanksgiving night, neither of us has talked to kate. when i recounted the story to one of my friends, she said that i was technically an asshole for siccing my brother on kate and never standing up for her or acknowledging her wish. after hearing that, my emotions have become more complicated, so i decided on a second opinion. so, what am i reddit?
| 1,665 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/e7aapw/aita_for_refusing_to_call_one_of_my_parents_mom/
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2019-12-07 05:18:11
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nta.
it’s tough for transgendered people today in our climate, especially when it comes to family members accepting them.
but your father (still your father by birth) needs to understand you went 17 years knowing him as dad. she was dad. she can’t expect you to at the drop of a hat change all that. on top of that, her partner is trying to push that and is being manipulative by messaging you that. they’re trying to guilt trip you. your brothers reaction seemed over the top but you were not. these things take time and your father needs to understand what she erasing with asking you to call her “mom”
edit* fixed pro-nouns
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she's not your mom. this isn't a case of you and your brother misgendering or deadnaming her... she's just not your mom. it's wonderful that you're being supportive of things for which it is reasonable to be supportive, but this is asking a lot. nah. i think you two doing your best to try to maintain a relationship with kate is a pretty great, even as you mourn the loss of your relationship with a dad, and though it could have been handled better (by your brother especially) it just seems like this is just going to be one of the areas where you kind of have to carve out a new dynamic, and that takes time.
edited to change judgment, bc while both parties could have handled things better, i don't think anyone's an actual asshole except for maybe ops brother.
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nah. this is a seriously life-altering event for your father, you brother, and yourself.
>i have been supportive of her transition
it is lovely that you are able to support her during this difficult transitional period in your lives. power to you, i hope you keep it up.
>kate stated it would be her greatest wish if we called her mom.
i mean, she's just being honest. whether or not it's appropriate, that's above reddit here imo.
you do not have to call her mother by any means if you do not so choose. this was not the role she played in your life up until now, and if it doesn't feel right, then it may not be in your best interest, but you may want to find another parental term for her. calling her "dad" or "father" maybe not be the right fit for what you are looking for either. maybe you two can come to a compromise of what makes you both comfortable.
thank you op, for trying to support your parent in this sensitive time.
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i’m gonna go with nah, but honestly i’m not really here to pass judgement.
as a fellow trans person, i’m just here to try to maybe help you understand kate’s perspective on this.
everyone’s journey is different and i can’t speak on the specifics of kate’s, but what i can tell you is that it assuredly involved a long period of struggling to figure out who and what the hell she was, followed by a long period of being absolutely terrified of losing everything and everyone she ever cared about.
but once you get through all that, you go through a different kind of pain: regret. for you, it feels like you’re mourning the father you had up until now. kate, on the other hand, is mourning the woman she never got to be all those years.
it’s hard coming to grips with all the experiences you never got to have, and the older you transition, the harder it is. kate never got to grow up as a girl. she never got to have slumber parties or go to prom in a pretty dress. she never got to walk down the aisle in a white dress. she never got to be pregnant and give birth to her children. she never got to be a mom.
until now, that is. she has this opportunity now, after all this time, to be the mother she always wished she could be for you and your brother.
i know it’s difficult for you to completely rewire the way you think about someone so important to you. you’re not an asshole for having a hard time with it, and you’re not even an asshole if you decide you can’t do it at all. but maybe, for her sake, consider what it would feel like for her if you did?
also, feel free to pm me whenever if you want to talk about trans stuff. it can be easier sometimes to ask the awkward questions to someone you have no personal connection to.
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nta continue calling her kate until you are comfortable calling her mom. everybody's life in this situation has experienced a huge change. sometimes these things take time. it's a complicated situation for everyone.
kate needs to understand that life for her children got turned upside down and she needs to practice patience.
edited to add...
maybe a pet name or variation of mother in the future instead of mom since that name is firmly taken.
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nta- kate isn’t your mother full stop!! you have a mum, kate isn’t and will never be. it’s not a matter of gender here, or anything to do with transgender- maybe try explaining this to kate. caitlyn jenner is still dad to her kids and will always be- this could be an easy example when explaining it. i hope you sort it all out! but in this case; you are 100% right and shouldn’t feel guilty about your decision.
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nah
kate wasn't your mum until recently. this is hard, but i can understand not wanting to call someone who wasn't a mother to you mom.
at the same time, kate's role is still of a parent, so it makes sense that she wants to be able to use the gendered title that fits her identity.
can you two find a midground - parent, new mum, or some other kind of name that both acknowledges her role now and your experience as a child?
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nta
you have a mother. she is your mom. this person is your dad. your father has transitioned to a woman and doesn’t want to be call that.
okay.. well, your other parent doesn’t get to co-opt the word “mom”. that title belongs to the woman who was impregnated by kate and raised you.
tell kate she can pick another title but mom is reserved for your mother only.
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i’m in the uk and have been watching i’m a celebrity with caitlyn jenner. she was asked what her children call her and she said ‘dad’ - she said because that was what her children had always called her when growing up and the word is special to her, that they already have a mom but they will only ever have one dad. maybe you could point out that you already have a mom and that perhaps you could compromise and call her kate instead?
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nta- kate and her partner need to accept that the transition, the new partner and the divorce are all major things and to let you and your brother go at your own paces. it's not all about kate and her feelings but yours and your brother's as well. kate was dad your entire life and it was a big step for your brother to even show up to dinner. she went a step too far too soon with both of you. you both are dealing with a lot of change and shouldn't be expected to accept all of it with the snap of a finger just because kate wishes it. her partner was being very manipulative and needed to stay out of it.
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NTA
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NAH
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NAH
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
| null |
NTA
| 0.012269 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i’m 19 and my brother is 22. two years ago, my parents got divorced. four months later it was revealed that the reason for the divorce was that my dad was transgender. in the matter of a minute, the man i grew up with died and replaced by a completely different person named kate. my brother did not take the news well and cut kate out his life for a while. for me, i have been supportive of her transition, while grieving at the same time. for thanksgiving, kate invited my brother and i over for dinner with her partner. it took a lot of convincing to get my brother to go. dinner was going okay, until kate stated it would be her greatest wish if we called her mom. my brother yelled absolutely not and stormed out. when kate looked at me for support, i told her that i would never call her mom or see her as such later that night, i received a text from kate’s partner, who said kate was extremely hurt by the rejection. i didn’t know how to handle the text, so i showed it to my brother. he called kate and yelled at her for trying to emotionally manipulate me. since thanksgiving night, neither of us has talked to kate. when i recounted the story to one of my friends, she said that i was technically an asshole for siccing my brother on kate and never standing up for her or acknowledging her wish. after hearing that, my emotions have become more complicated, so i decided on a second opinion. so, what am i reddit?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i’m 19 and my brother is 22. two years ago, my parents got divorced. four months later it was revealed that the reason for the divorce was that my dad was transgender. in the matter of a minute, the man i grew up with died and replaced by a completely different person named kate. my brother did not take the news well and cut kate out his life for a while. for me, i have been supportive of her transition, while grieving at the same time. for thanksgiving, kate invited my brother and i over for dinner with her partner. it took a lot of convincing to get my brother to go. dinner was going okay, until kate stated it would be her greatest wish if we called her mom. my brother yelled absolutely not and stormed out. when kate looked at me for support, i told her that i would never call her mom or see her as such later that night, i received a text from kate’s partner, who said kate was extremely hurt by the rejection. i didn’t know how to handle the text, so i showed it to my brother. he called kate and yelled at her for trying to emotionally manipulate me. since thanksgiving night, neither of us has talked to kate. when i recounted the story to one of my friends, she said that i was technically an asshole for siccing my brother on kate and never standing up for her or acknowledging her wish. after hearing that, my emotions have become more complicated, so i decided on a second opinion. so, what am i reddit? [/INST] nta. it’s tough for transgendered people today in our climate, especially when it comes to family members accepting them. but your father (still your father by birth) needs to understand you went 17 years knowing him as dad. she was dad. she can’t expect you to at the drop of a hat change all that. on top of that, her partner is trying to push that and is being manipulative by messaging you that. they’re trying to guilt trip you. your brothers reaction seemed over the top but you were not. these things take time and your father needs to understand what she erasing with asking you to call her “mom” edit* fixed pro-nouns </s>
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AITA for breaking into the bathroom?
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i (28f) went to a small get-together on friday night. there was me, my childhood friend d (29m), his girlfriend h (28f), and his mom s (50sf). d is an alcoholic that has been known in the past to have health issues due to drinking.
d was acting a little off and at one point disappeared to the bathroom. about 30 minutes later, he is still in the only bathroom and the shower is on - it's been on for about 20 minutes at this point. both s and h were expressing concern for d. s had tried to open the door, but it was locked. h tried banging on the door, telling him to stop being an ass because other people have to pee.
at this point i'm concerned. he's wasted, he's not responding, he's been in the bathroom for over half an hour, he may or may not be underwater.
i decide to snag a butterknife and unlock the bathroom door and go in.
d is drunk naked on the bathroom floor. he turns and looks at me and says "wtf are you doing?"
i tell him we were all worried about him.
he screams at me to close the door and i do.
i tell his mom and gf that he's alive and go get myself a drink from the kitchen.
d then comes storming out of the bathroom with his clothes on and starts yelling at me for violating his space. he demands an apology. i tell him, "i'm sorry if you were embarrassed but i'm not sorry for what i did. i will do it again if need be to make sure my friends are safe."
he got pissed and kicked me out of the apartment. his gf and mom both think i should apologize. i think i need to find new friends.
| 150 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t4k7bw/aita_for_breaking_into_the_bathroom/
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2022-03-01 22:27:07
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nta
you think correctly.
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i agree with you. you're too good to hang with an embarrassed drunk.
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nta but remember your friend is an alcoholic and has problems and this will happen again and again. you can stop hanging out with him or just give distance but you have nothing to be sorry for.
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nta
agree. you need new friends.
safety before pride.
i lost a friend for a very long time over a drunken night, where sober me made a safety call and didn't let a very drunk person go home or stay in possession of their keys (reason for that emotional instability would have had them driving totally s-faced or running nekkid down the streets in a sketchy part of town).
sad, but you did what was right.
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nta. i’m assuming it was d’s residence?? d is ta and so is gf and mom. why didn’t girlfriend enter the bathroom when you unlocked it? that would have been more appropriate. d obviously has an alcohol issue and needs help. only he can make that decision. yes, you need new friends! don’t look back!
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nta.
why was his mother not checking on him? i can see why he's an alcoholic.
you do need new friends.
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listen, i understand he feels like you violated his privacy (opening a locked door) but let's be fair, his drinking is a problem to his well-being. for all you know he could have been hurt/unconsious/in a life threatening situation. him not responding to your calls raised your concern. i think your actions are justified and you are nta.
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[deleted]
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nta someone who is drunk and non responsive in a locked bathroom is lucky you were there to check they weren’t unconscious or worse.
not responding is on him so when you open the door and he’s naked; that’s also on him. he could have easily just said whatever.
as others have said; get different friends you can’t help such a person until they realise they are the problem and the asshole.
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so nta. you're a good friend. find better ones.
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (28f) went to a small get-together on friday night. there was me, my childhood friend d (29m), his girlfriend h (28f), and his mom s (50sf). d is an alcoholic that has been known in the past to have health issues due to drinking. d was acting a little off and at one point disappeared to the bathroom. about 30 minutes later, he is still in the only bathroom and the shower is on - it's been on for about 20 minutes at this point. both s and h were expressing concern for d. s had tried to open the door, but it was locked. h tried banging on the door, telling him to stop being an ass because other people have to pee. at this point i'm concerned. he's wasted, he's not responding, he's been in the bathroom for over half an hour, he may or may not be underwater. i decide to snag a butterknife and unlock the bathroom door and go in. d is drunk naked on the bathroom floor. he turns and looks at me and says "wtf are you doing?" i tell him we were all worried about him. he screams at me to close the door and i do. i tell his mom and gf that he's alive and go get myself a drink from the kitchen. d then comes storming out of the bathroom with his clothes on and starts yelling at me for violating his space. he demands an apology. i tell him, "i'm sorry if you were embarrassed but i'm not sorry for what i did. i will do it again if need be to make sure my friends are safe." he got pissed and kicked me out of the apartment. his gf and mom both think i should apologize. i think i need to find new friends.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i (28f) went to a small get-together on friday night. there was me, my childhood friend d (29m), his girlfriend h (28f), and his mom s (50sf). d is an alcoholic that has been known in the past to have health issues due to drinking. d was acting a little off and at one point disappeared to the bathroom. about 30 minutes later, he is still in the only bathroom and the shower is on - it's been on for about 20 minutes at this point. both s and h were expressing concern for d. s had tried to open the door, but it was locked. h tried banging on the door, telling him to stop being an ass because other people have to pee. at this point i'm concerned. he's wasted, he's not responding, he's been in the bathroom for over half an hour, he may or may not be underwater. i decide to snag a butterknife and unlock the bathroom door and go in. d is drunk naked on the bathroom floor. he turns and looks at me and says "wtf are you doing?" i tell him we were all worried about him. he screams at me to close the door and i do. i tell his mom and gf that he's alive and go get myself a drink from the kitchen. d then comes storming out of the bathroom with his clothes on and starts yelling at me for violating his space. he demands an apology. i tell him, "i'm sorry if you were embarrassed but i'm not sorry for what i did. i will do it again if need be to make sure my friends are safe." he got pissed and kicked me out of the apartment. his gf and mom both think i should apologize. i think i need to find new friends. [/INST] nta you think correctly. </s>
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AITA for walking out on a bartender that insisted I order a drink
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my gf and i are going on vacation. we get through security in the airport and start searching for a place to eat. we quickly decide on this cuban place and we grab a seat at a high top right in front of the bar. we sit down and the bartender kinda hollers across the bar (packed bar, about 10 feet away) and says the kitchen is closing but it’s last call for drinks.
the bartender looks at my gf and says “i bet you want a tito’s & soda with a splash of cranberry” then looks at me and says “i bet you want an ipa”.
we’re fucking starving so i turn to my gf and say “what do you wanna do” and she said she wants to stay. so i’m like ok whatever no big deal we’ll find some food after a drink. my gf looks at the bartender and says “i’ll have an old fashioned” and then he asks me what i want. i say “i’ll just have a coke” and he goes “with what?” and i say just a coke please. then he says “ah what cmon man you’re a grown man no one likes just a coke”. i reply “really? i feel like everyone likes coke!”.
at this point everyone in the restaurant is staring at this whole thing going down and i’m fucking pissed because i just want a coke and this guy is insulting me for not ordering an alcoholic drink in front of all these people.
so i start grabbing my bags and shit and he’s like “wooooow really it was just a joke” and i say “dude if you don’t want my money that’s fine i just wanted a coke” and walked out.
who’s the asshole here?
| 1,073 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r7lz1s/aita_for_walking_out_on_a_bartender_that_insisted/
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2021-12-03 00:47:21
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nta! as someone who has a lot of sober people in my family, for many different reasons (including myself) i’d have been really annoyed, probably even pissed too. he could have been actively pressuring an alcoholic into drinking, if someone says they just want a coke, give them a coke and don’t question it. beyond that, someone could just not be in the mood for alcohol. definitely nta.
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nta
why someone doesn't want alcohol is not something that should be questioned or mocked.
you were absolutely in bounds.
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nta. from the title i thought you meant that you were sitting at a table simply taking up space and not ordering anything (which is jerk behavior), but you ordered something. a bartender doesn’t get to dictate if you drink alcohol or not.
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nta as someone who used to be a bartender, there is no reason to force you to drink. hell if you were a dd food and drink was usually on me.
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nta. what a weird exchange? does he make a commission off of alcohol or something?
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it’s never cool to pressure someone into drinking alcohol especially when they’ve made it clear they don’t want it. and it’s not like you sat down to take up space at a busy place with the intent of not spending any money, you still ordered a drink and the person you were there with did too so idk what the bartenders problem was. nta.
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nta, bartender should have just poured the damn coke. it's not his job to judge customers, if i were the business owner i would have been pissed.
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nta, i’m 24 and i really don’t drink much so that would’ve pissed me off too. sometimes adults just want a non-alcoholic drink.
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wow, that bartender was a butthead! i can't stand people like that! he was trying to embarrass you in front of your gf and strangers. i would have left, too. don't feel bad about that jerk.
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null | null | 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my gf and i are going on vacation. we get through security in the airport and start searching for a place to eat. we quickly decide on this cuban place and we grab a seat at a high top right in front of the bar. we sit down and the bartender kinda hollers across the bar (packed bar, about 10 feet away) and says the kitchen is closing but it’s last call for drinks. the bartender looks at my gf and says “i bet you want a tito’s & soda with a splash of cranberry” then looks at me and says “i bet you want an ipa”. we’re fucking starving so i turn to my gf and say “what do you wanna do” and she said she wants to stay. so i’m like ok whatever no big deal we’ll find some food after a drink. my gf looks at the bartender and says “i’ll have an old fashioned” and then he asks me what i want. i say “i’ll just have a coke” and he goes “with what?” and i say just a coke please. then he says “ah what cmon man you’re a grown man no one likes just a coke”. i reply “really? i feel like everyone likes coke!”. at this point everyone in the restaurant is staring at this whole thing going down and i’m fucking pissed because i just want a coke and this guy is insulting me for not ordering an alcoholic drink in front of all these people. so i start grabbing my bags and shit and he’s like “wooooow really it was just a joke” and i say “dude if you don’t want my money that’s fine i just wanted a coke” and walked out. who’s the asshole here?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
my gf and i are going on vacation. we get through security in the airport and start searching for a place to eat. we quickly decide on this cuban place and we grab a seat at a high top right in front of the bar. we sit down and the bartender kinda hollers across the bar (packed bar, about 10 feet away) and says the kitchen is closing but it’s last call for drinks. the bartender looks at my gf and says “i bet you want a tito’s & soda with a splash of cranberry” then looks at me and says “i bet you want an ipa”. we’re fucking starving so i turn to my gf and say “what do you wanna do” and she said she wants to stay. so i’m like ok whatever no big deal we’ll find some food after a drink. my gf looks at the bartender and says “i’ll have an old fashioned” and then he asks me what i want. i say “i’ll just have a coke” and he goes “with what?” and i say just a coke please. then he says “ah what cmon man you’re a grown man no one likes just a coke”. i reply “really? i feel like everyone likes coke!”. at this point everyone in the restaurant is staring at this whole thing going down and i’m fucking pissed because i just want a coke and this guy is insulting me for not ordering an alcoholic drink in front of all these people. so i start grabbing my bags and shit and he’s like “wooooow really it was just a joke” and i say “dude if you don’t want my money that’s fine i just wanted a coke” and walked out. who’s the asshole here? [/INST] nta! as someone who has a lot of sober people in my family, for many different reasons (including myself) i’d have been really annoyed, probably even pissed too. he could have been actively pressuring an alcoholic into drinking, if someone says they just want a coke, give them a coke and don’t question it. beyond that, someone could just not be in the mood for alcohol. definitely nta. </s>
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AITA for giving (wanted) advice about breaking up instead of pressing girlfriend into having children?
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at my work it’s not uncommon to bring personal dilemmas to discussion. unhealthy af, but not the point.
i’m a child free 27f, my coworker is 32m and his girlfriend is 24f, they have been together for 3 years, live together, and seem to have a fine relationship.
coworker has always wanted to be a dad. he feels like he’s “on the right age” to start having kids, and talked about it with gf. he vents about how she said she’s “not sure” about having kids yet.
he makes reasonable money to support a couple of adults, but not to give a child a nice life and idk what additional debts he might have; they are not homeowners and his gf never went to college, doesn’t intend to, and she makes/sells cake. they are good but this is her only income and it’s pretty variable.
also, he wants kids, **plural**. 3 or 4 kids. said he’d be up to adopting eventually but want “some” bio children.
everyone gave advice i considered shitty and misogynistic, like
“you should start trying, she’ll start loving being a mother along the way” (but what she doesn’t?)
“just take her to see your nephews more frequently, she’ll see how amazing it is to have kids” (yeah, taking care of a child 24/7 and visiting someone else’s kid is exactly the same)
“she says that because she’s too young, of course she wants kids” (if she’s too young to know how is she old enough to care for another life?)
“the first pregnancy is so good she’ll want more kids in to time” (wtf, your experiences are not universal)
“there’s no love without giving in, you’ll find a way” (thanks captain obvious, i didn’t know you were a couple’s counselor now!)
“you should meet halfway and have only 2 children” (that’s still having children, dammit!)
now, i usually don’t take part in those; my co-worker l (a woman on her 50s who’s really open minded) always gives advice i agree to, but this time, she only said he should wait a little more to see if she’ll change her mind.
as a child-free woman, i know that a lot of times “i’m not sure” is what you say when you’re sure you don’t want children so people won’t talk shit.
it might not be the case, but he still could benefit from a different pov from everyone else, so… i said something along these lines:
“if she gets pregnant because she feels pressed, it will likely make her miserable and affect your relationship. if you two want different things in life, it’s better to break up while you don’t have a child to be affected by it. that, or maybe you can consider adapting for her instead”.
now everyone looks at me like i advised him to punch his grandmother, because they “kids are a blessing”, “really love each other” and “can make it work somehow”.
i wasn’t even harsh, i was very calm and polite. even if my advice was shitty (which i don’t think it was!), if he asked everyone, no one should be publically upset with my advice.
aita?
| 4,116 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/d49q04/aita_for_giving_wanted_advice_about_breaking_up/
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2019-09-14 19:23:01
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nta. people are telling him what he wants to hear, but the reality is that she may never want to have children.
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nta
obviously. it's an *opinion*. you gave it because *he asked*.
everyone else is coming from the presupposition that she will want kids, must want kids. and you know what? she might. she's still pretty young, so she still might. but they don't *know* that. they gave her what i'd call incomplete advice because they were working from the assumption that may be incorrect. you provided a balance to that. what if she never wants to have kids? what if? he needs to hear both sides.
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nta- the rest were trying to convince him that an oops!pregnancy was a hot ticket for fixing his problem. and that would have been terrible.
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nta, but i think the elephant in the room is that your coworker and his gf are fairly far apart in age. it is unclear if she is interested in kids or not, but at her age it is likely she isn't interested for the next few years. your coworker is ta for trying to convince her to have kids she may not want or may not want now. also, having three or more kids is being ta to the environment.
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nta. i'm a child free woman as well and the stigma surrounding the idea of not wanting to shit a baby out is so exhausting. he shouldn't be pressuring his gf and no one should be telling him to. you did the right thing by playing "devil's advocate," even if your coworkers disagree with you.
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nta - some of this advice is extremely dangerous - offering a common sense perspective when asked seemed to be much needed here.
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nta.
you didn't say anything rude or unreasonable. as. cf woman myself, i thank you for offering the perspective of a woman who may not want children and potentially would be coerced/tricked into having kids, and what that might do to their relationship and *her* mental health.
i don't know why people expect women to give up what they want to have children, regardless of their wishes. they also all expect that once pregnant, a magical switch will flip and the woman will immediately love any and all children and want to have more. they also romanticize pregnancy when in reality, for many women, it is at minimal intensely uncomfortable mentally or physically, and on the worse end, debilitating and potentially life-threatening. it's not a "fun" and "beautiful" thing for all women, only *some* women.
you gave him the most practical and respectful advice when he asked for input. out of all of the other offerings, yours was the only one that was respectful of wife's potential feelings and experience, and the only one that wasn't, in some manner, a baby trap.
doing it anyway and assuming she'll just be a glowing expectant mother and happy with raising children is not only unrealistic and archaic, but frankly, the worst, irresponsible and selfish advice to take. this is a major life commitment that last near-on forever to some extent, and trying to manipulate her out of her choice in the matter is gross. you did a good job trying to be the voice of reason here.
absolutely nta.
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why is it that when people want good and honest advice, they're taken a back when they get a reality check?
he's 32. he didn't want to have kids at 24, so why does he think that his gf would? the resentment and drama that would come with the pressing of the "issue", can i just say yikes?
your advice is very sound and a good reality check. but i wouldn't be surprised if his gf would dump him if he starts to pressure her. you're nta.
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nta. what i’d like to know is, how was he supposed to follow this suggestion:
“you should start trying. she’ll start loving being a mother along the way...”
was he supposed to sabotage her birth control? or poke holes in his condoms? how do you start trying for a baby with someone who doesn’t want one yet?
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nta they need to shut the fuck up and leave the poor woman alone. you can't force someone to have motherly instinctings. she may not change her mind ever.
if she doesn't want them then she doesn't want them and they need to break up.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: at my work it’s not uncommon to bring personal dilemmas to discussion. unhealthy af, but not the point. i’m a child free 27f, my coworker is 32m and his girlfriend is 24f, they have been together for 3 years, live together, and seem to have a fine relationship. coworker has always wanted to be a dad. he feels like he’s “on the right age” to start having kids, and talked about it with gf. he vents about how she said she’s “not sure” about having kids yet. he makes reasonable money to support a couple of adults, but not to give a child a nice life and idk what additional debts he might have; they are not homeowners and his gf never went to college, doesn’t intend to, and she makes/sells cake. they are good but this is her only income and it’s pretty variable. also, he wants kids, **plural**. 3 or 4 kids. said he’d be up to adopting eventually but want “some” bio children. everyone gave advice i considered shitty and misogynistic, like “you should start trying, she’ll start loving being a mother along the way” (but what she doesn’t?) “just take her to see your nephews more frequently, she’ll see how amazing it is to have kids” (yeah, taking care of a child 24/7 and visiting someone else’s kid is exactly the same) “she says that because she’s too young, of course she wants kids” (if she’s too young to know how is she old enough to care for another life?) “the first pregnancy is so good she’ll want more kids in to time” (wtf, your experiences are not universal) “there’s no love without giving in, you’ll find a way” (thanks captain obvious, i didn’t know you were a couple’s counselor now!) “you should meet halfway and have only 2 children” (that’s still having children, dammit!) now, i usually don’t take part in those; my co-worker l (a woman on her 50s who’s really open minded) always gives advice i agree to, but this time, she only said he should wait a little more to see if she’ll change her mind. as a child-free woman, i know that a lot of times “i’m not sure” is what you say when you’re sure you don’t want children so people won’t talk shit. it might not be the case, but he still could benefit from a different pov from everyone else, so… i said something along these lines: “if she gets pregnant because she feels pressed, it will likely make her miserable and affect your relationship. if you two want different things in life, it’s better to break up while you don’t have a child to be affected by it. that, or maybe you can consider adapting for her instead”. now everyone looks at me like i advised him to punch his grandmother, because they “kids are a blessing”, “really love each other” and “can make it work somehow”. i wasn’t even harsh, i was very calm and polite. even if my advice was shitty (which i don’t think it was!), if he asked everyone, no one should be publically upset with my advice. aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
at my work it’s not uncommon to bring personal dilemmas to discussion. unhealthy af, but not the point. i’m a child free 27f, my coworker is 32m and his girlfriend is 24f, they have been together for 3 years, live together, and seem to have a fine relationship. coworker has always wanted to be a dad. he feels like he’s “on the right age” to start having kids, and talked about it with gf. he vents about how she said she’s “not sure” about having kids yet. he makes reasonable money to support a couple of adults, but not to give a child a nice life and idk what additional debts he might have; they are not homeowners and his gf never went to college, doesn’t intend to, and she makes/sells cake. they are good but this is her only income and it’s pretty variable. also, he wants kids, **plural**. 3 or 4 kids. said he’d be up to adopting eventually but want “some” bio children. everyone gave advice i considered shitty and misogynistic, like “you should start trying, she’ll start loving being a mother along the way” (but what she doesn’t?) “just take her to see your nephews more frequently, she’ll see how amazing it is to have kids” (yeah, taking care of a child 24/7 and visiting someone else’s kid is exactly the same) “she says that because she’s too young, of course she wants kids” (if she’s too young to know how is she old enough to care for another life?) “the first pregnancy is so good she’ll want more kids in to time” (wtf, your experiences are not universal) “there’s no love without giving in, you’ll find a way” (thanks captain obvious, i didn’t know you were a couple’s counselor now!) “you should meet halfway and have only 2 children” (that’s still having children, dammit!) now, i usually don’t take part in those; my co-worker l (a woman on her 50s who’s really open minded) always gives advice i agree to, but this time, she only said he should wait a little more to see if she’ll change her mind. as a child-free woman, i know that a lot of times “i’m not sure” is what you say when you’re sure you don’t want children so people won’t talk shit. it might not be the case, but he still could benefit from a different pov from everyone else, so… i said something along these lines: “if she gets pregnant because she feels pressed, it will likely make her miserable and affect your relationship. if you two want different things in life, it’s better to break up while you don’t have a child to be affected by it. that, or maybe you can consider adapting for her instead”. now everyone looks at me like i advised him to punch his grandmother, because they “kids are a blessing”, “really love each other” and “can make it work somehow”. i wasn’t even harsh, i was very calm and polite. even if my advice was shitty (which i don’t think it was!), if he asked everyone, no one should be publically upset with my advice. aita? [/INST] nta. people are telling him what he wants to hear, but the reality is that she may never want to have children. </s>
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AITA for saying no for a boob job and nose job my wife want she called me controlling
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throwaway as wife uses this sub.
recently my wife wants to get a nose job and boob job in order to change her body as she feels insecure. due to covid my wife lost her job and i am the only one working. today my wife told me this and i said no. i told her we don't have that kind of money to spend on things like that. i told her if we get that we would have to downsize and move which is bad for our son during this time. i told her when things go to normal and she found a job she can have it and until then no.
\\ my wife started yelling and other stuff and saying why does she have to sacrifice her happiness when i don't have to sacrifice mine. i told her i sacrificed my hobby and i use my fun budget and give it to the house and i don't use it for my hobby anymore . my wife then started screaming and saying how controlling i am and calling me a bad husband. this made me feel bad which is why i came here. aita for saying no for a boob job and nose job my wife want she called me controlling
| 779 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/i5zm41/aita_for_saying_no_for_a_boob_job_and_nose_job_my/
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2020-08-08 14:01:39
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nta
practical economic reality at play.
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i'm sure you'll get lots of controversy on "should my wife get a boob job when we're struggling financially"
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throwaway is kind of useless this is way too specific xd. anyways since you are the one financing nta
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i was prepared to say y t a, but this is a totally valid reason. if she wants it, she should raise the money for it, after all it's her body, her choice, her money.
nta. but really, have your wife talk to a therapist. her angry response could be rooted in her own insecurities and more about her than about you. this is not an excuse for her, what she said was terrible, but she should really work on her self esteem issues.
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nta. telling her she can have these procedures when things go back to normal and she finds a job was the right answer.
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nta asking her to wait until your finances are better is perfectly reasonable. it’s not like she’s going out to buy a pair of shoes. plastic surgery is known to be expensive and with only one person working it’s kind of selfish of her to want that in your family’s current situation.
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nta. it sounds very reasonable.
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nta
you don't have the money is fiscally irresponsible to do it now. why risk your house etc for a cosmetic procedure.
it seems like you handled this right by saying not now but when we're both in work then yes.
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nta at all. "wait until the economy is less uncertain" is a totally reasonable response. sounds like wife is having some pandemic burnout. i don't find you controlling, from the way you wrote your post.
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is today "international complain about my wifes plastic surgery" day or something? 2 threads in the same day.
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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YTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null | 0.04134 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: throwaway as wife uses this sub. recently my wife wants to get a nose job and boob job in order to change her body as she feels insecure. due to covid my wife lost her job and i am the only one working. today my wife told me this and i said no. i told her we don't have that kind of money to spend on things like that. i told her if we get that we would have to downsize and move which is bad for our son during this time. i told her when things go to normal and she found a job she can have it and until then no. \\ my wife started yelling and other stuff and saying why does she have to sacrifice her happiness when i don't have to sacrifice mine. i told her i sacrificed my hobby and i use my fun budget and give it to the house and i don't use it for my hobby anymore . my wife then started screaming and saying how controlling i am and calling me a bad husband. this made me feel bad which is why i came here. aita for saying no for a boob job and nose job my wife want she called me controlling
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
throwaway as wife uses this sub. recently my wife wants to get a nose job and boob job in order to change her body as she feels insecure. due to covid my wife lost her job and i am the only one working. today my wife told me this and i said no. i told her we don't have that kind of money to spend on things like that. i told her if we get that we would have to downsize and move which is bad for our son during this time. i told her when things go to normal and she found a job she can have it and until then no. \\ my wife started yelling and other stuff and saying why does she have to sacrifice her happiness when i don't have to sacrifice mine. i told her i sacrificed my hobby and i use my fun budget and give it to the house and i don't use it for my hobby anymore . my wife then started screaming and saying how controlling i am and calling me a bad husband. this made me feel bad which is why i came here. aita for saying no for a boob job and nose job my wife want she called me controlling [/INST] nta practical economic reality at play. </s>
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AITA for yelling at a boy who yelled at my son?
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i was at the park with my children yesterday (7 and 5). my daughter always goes straight to the swings. we get there and there's a boy there, roughly 12-13 there swinging. the other was being occupied by a younger boy, around 5-6 ish. we wait...the 5 year old eventually leaves after 8 or so minutes of swinging and a girl that was there goes "i was waiting for it next..." i just nodded and just continued waiting with my daughter. the 12-13 year old begins rapping really raunchy lyrics and in certain moments begins literally screaming the lyrics. i'm annoyed and bend down to my daughter and go "hunny can't we just go play something else and wait for this boy to leave and then come back?" to which my daughter replies "but why mommy? i'm being so patient.."
this kid stops rapping as another kid shows up wearing the same shirt as him. theyre both from a camp and there as a group apparently. this boy to the swinging boy "come on dude, youre hogging that swing, just stop" to which the spawn of satan replies "tell you what, leave me alone and i'll force someone to be your friend for a change" i blurt out "whoa. hey that's not cool to say to anyone" this kid turns to me and begins screaming his song again. at this i grab my daughters hand and go "lets go” she begins following me and this is when things go south... what i didn't notice was my older son had gone in the swing area and was watching everything..he turns to the boy and goes "hey, let my sister use the swing please" the kid turns to him and screams in his face as he swung close to him "nooo!" so i blurt out "what the hell is wrong with you?!" the kid jumps off the swing going "excuse me?" i then go "your behavior is really out of line and you need to leave right now!" he goes "no!" and tries grabbing the swing seat to swing it over the top railing so no one else can swing but fails at which i go "what do you think your counselors have to say to the way youre being, is that them over there?" and i point to what i thought were them. to this he runs out of the swing area like his life depends on it. as he leaves my daughter hops on. my kids just sort of swung silently but eventually loosened up and began laughing and playing again.
as we were leaving the swing area a while later the boy comes back and has the cojones to come to me and go "are you the lady that was here before ? i didn’t appreciate what you said to me earlier”. at which i snap back "and i dont appreciate a bully yelling at one of my children, so behave your self, your too old for that!" and walked out. i told this story to two people and both agree that i said what needed said. but then why the hell did that entire ordeal leave me feeling so shitty? was i right in yelling? i mean i could have just walked away. i was the adult, i felt like i stooped to a low level.
tl;dr: yelled at a kid in the park because he yelled at my kid and i feel like an asshole
| 152 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ccj0mc/aita_for_yelling_at_a_boy_who_yelled_at_my_son/
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2019-07-13 00:38:27
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nta. kids needs to checked. usually by their parents but in the absence of a parent, this was the right call.
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nta
the fact that you feel guilt kinda goes to show you’re a good person and you didn’t want to be pushed to the point of screaming at the kid
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nta. hell, i would've gone right ahead and talked to the camp counselors (if they ended up being who you were pointing at) about it. one can only imagine how he's like in other places...
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you're not the asshole. sounds like that kid needs a lesson in respect.
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nta. it takes a village to raise these little assholes.
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nta. someone needs to straighten the little fucks out, if their parents won't do it.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i was at the park with my children yesterday (7 and 5). my daughter always goes straight to the swings. we get there and there's a boy there, roughly 12-13 there swinging. the other was being occupied by a younger boy, around 5-6 ish. we wait...the 5 year old eventually leaves after 8 or so minutes of swinging and a girl that was there goes "i was waiting for it next..." i just nodded and just continued waiting with my daughter. the 12-13 year old begins rapping really raunchy lyrics and in certain moments begins literally screaming the lyrics. i'm annoyed and bend down to my daughter and go "hunny can't we just go play something else and wait for this boy to leave and then come back?" to which my daughter replies "but why mommy? i'm being so patient.." this kid stops rapping as another kid shows up wearing the same shirt as him. theyre both from a camp and there as a group apparently. this boy to the swinging boy "come on dude, youre hogging that swing, just stop" to which the spawn of satan replies "tell you what, leave me alone and i'll force someone to be your friend for a change" i blurt out "whoa. hey that's not cool to say to anyone" this kid turns to me and begins screaming his song again. at this i grab my daughters hand and go "lets go” she begins following me and this is when things go south... what i didn't notice was my older son had gone in the swing area and was watching everything..he turns to the boy and goes "hey, let my sister use the swing please" the kid turns to him and screams in his face as he swung close to him "nooo!" so i blurt out "what the hell is wrong with you?!" the kid jumps off the swing going "excuse me?" i then go "your behavior is really out of line and you need to leave right now!" he goes "no!" and tries grabbing the swing seat to swing it over the top railing so no one else can swing but fails at which i go "what do you think your counselors have to say to the way youre being, is that them over there?" and i point to what i thought were them. to this he runs out of the swing area like his life depends on it. as he leaves my daughter hops on. my kids just sort of swung silently but eventually loosened up and began laughing and playing again. as we were leaving the swing area a while later the boy comes back and has the cojones to come to me and go "are you the lady that was here before ? i didn’t appreciate what you said to me earlier”. at which i snap back "and i dont appreciate a bully yelling at one of my children, so behave your self, your too old for that!" and walked out. i told this story to two people and both agree that i said what needed said. but then why the hell did that entire ordeal leave me feeling so shitty? was i right in yelling? i mean i could have just walked away. i was the adult, i felt like i stooped to a low level. tl;dr: yelled at a kid in the park because he yelled at my kid and i feel like an asshole
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i was at the park with my children yesterday (7 and 5). my daughter always goes straight to the swings. we get there and there's a boy there, roughly 12-13 there swinging. the other was being occupied by a younger boy, around 5-6 ish. we wait...the 5 year old eventually leaves after 8 or so minutes of swinging and a girl that was there goes "i was waiting for it next..." i just nodded and just continued waiting with my daughter. the 12-13 year old begins rapping really raunchy lyrics and in certain moments begins literally screaming the lyrics. i'm annoyed and bend down to my daughter and go "hunny can't we just go play something else and wait for this boy to leave and then come back?" to which my daughter replies "but why mommy? i'm being so patient.." this kid stops rapping as another kid shows up wearing the same shirt as him. theyre both from a camp and there as a group apparently. this boy to the swinging boy "come on dude, youre hogging that swing, just stop" to which the spawn of satan replies "tell you what, leave me alone and i'll force someone to be your friend for a change" i blurt out "whoa. hey that's not cool to say to anyone" this kid turns to me and begins screaming his song again. at this i grab my daughters hand and go "lets go” she begins following me and this is when things go south... what i didn't notice was my older son had gone in the swing area and was watching everything..he turns to the boy and goes "hey, let my sister use the swing please" the kid turns to him and screams in his face as he swung close to him "nooo!" so i blurt out "what the hell is wrong with you?!" the kid jumps off the swing going "excuse me?" i then go "your behavior is really out of line and you need to leave right now!" he goes "no!" and tries grabbing the swing seat to swing it over the top railing so no one else can swing but fails at which i go "what do you think your counselors have to say to the way youre being, is that them over there?" and i point to what i thought were them. to this he runs out of the swing area like his life depends on it. as he leaves my daughter hops on. my kids just sort of swung silently but eventually loosened up and began laughing and playing again. as we were leaving the swing area a while later the boy comes back and has the cojones to come to me and go "are you the lady that was here before ? i didn’t appreciate what you said to me earlier”. at which i snap back "and i dont appreciate a bully yelling at one of my children, so behave your self, your too old for that!" and walked out. i told this story to two people and both agree that i said what needed said. but then why the hell did that entire ordeal leave me feeling so shitty? was i right in yelling? i mean i could have just walked away. i was the adult, i felt like i stooped to a low level. tl;dr: yelled at a kid in the park because he yelled at my kid and i feel like an asshole [/INST] nta. kids needs to checked. usually by their parents but in the absence of a parent, this was the right call. </s>
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AITA for telling my son I can’t trust him?
| 9,666 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yddhnl/aita_for_telling_my_son_i_cant_trust_him/
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2022-10-25 19:31:30
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nta
if this had been someone other than your son, i'd be calling it abuse and assault. certinally negligent. he is clearly unreliable and i'd be very upset.
the fact you let your son talk to you in such a manner is alarming as well.
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nta. he needs a therapist. cruelty without remorse isn't normal. possible guesses- he's been through a recent trauma, he has a new addiction (video games, [or drugs, or alcohol, or insert your fav here] for example), he has executive dysfunction (i.e. his brain wouldn't let him make/order food) and is lying to cover up for it. that last one's a little out there, granted, but i mention it jic.
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i have an almost 15 year old daughter, and unless he is on some kind of spectrum, he knew what he did was wrong. i would have woke him up and made him clean up his sister's puke. he called them little snitches, so he knew and remembered they couldn't have peanut butter. and he just handed them the jar? didn't make a sandwich or anything?
his continuously saying he was cruel and you can't trust him, is his way of "punishing" you for saying something he doesn't want to believe is true about himself. he is trying to make you feel guilty for saying them in the first place. maybe that hurt his feelings, maybe because he didn't see it that way at first and now realizes that maybe he was and doesn't want to face that.
i would sit him down and have a conversation. make sure your husband is there and ignore all eye rolling. tell him if he doesn't want the responsibility of taking care of his sisters, then he needs to say so and not put their lives in jeopardy, which he could have done. that yes, he was cruel and you can't trust him to be responsible for his sisters anymore. maybe you were "being dramatic," but if they were allergic to peanuts this could have been deadly.
was there a reason behind this? is something going on? maybe he is jealous of the twins, maybe they get more attention. maybe he doesn't actually want to be a babysitter, and doesn't want to tell you. maybe something is going on at school and he is acting out.
15 years old usually means high school. in one year he could get his license. three years until being considered an adult. this conversation needs to happen now.
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nta but i'm concerned about all the kids involved here. has there been a sharp change in his behavior recently? is there possibly a need of his that's not being met? perhaps he feels like the twins are getting preferential treatment? i'd explore that route first. something is not right if he's all of a sudden causing intentional harm to his younger siblings. keep the younger one's safe and have a real talk with the older one. if he's not willing to talk to you, take him to a professional.
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you’re nta but honestly at 8 the twins can heat up leftovers. this is the time to teach them stuff like this. it’s a good learning moment to go through basic kitchen stuff like hey, don’t shove metal in the toaster or microwave, don’t touch the knives or stove and if you need to heat something up you do xyz.
your son though at minimum should should have rung you to organise take out.
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nta
please please please please take all the peanut butter out of the house. they are allergic. just because it doesn’t show in the ‘well known’ ways doesn’t mean they aren’t. that’s the thing with allergies. sometimes the symptoms are mild.
sometimes they’re deadly.
you’re very very very lucky that their reaction wasn’t much worse. especially with that much peanut butter. its lucky you came home to puking and crying and not just crying. or silence.
allergic reactions are not always asphyxiation and gives but you don’t want that reaction to happen.
i beg of you get rid of the peanut butter and take them to an allergy specialist to see if there’s anything else that they’re allergic to.
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nta- ah your son is hitting that teenage phase where he's just arbitrarily being an asshole.
no, what he did was cruel and honestly a little punishment should be in order. if he's taken care of his sisters before and knows how to do so responsibly, then he was absolutely out of line forcing them to eat something that would make them sick.
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nta - but is there more going on here? like a jar of peanut butter isn’t food, even teenagers don’t forget allergies especially since twins told him so.
but how often is he asked to watch them? is he compensated in any way?
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nta. but it seems odd they would eat peanut butter even if hungry. i mean i know 8 year olds don't tend to be chefs, but was there no cereal or crackers? bread and lunch meat? granola bars or even junk food??
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nta, but i'd get to the bottom of his sudden change in behavior. it could just be normal teenage stuff, but if this isn't standard, something else might be going on. maybe he resents the babysitting, maybe he's experimenting with drugs, maybe he was having a really bad day. i'm not suggesting you let him off the hook because i think there should be consequences for treating his sisters so badly and how disrespectfully he responded when you called him on it. maybe he thinks if he does a bad enough job, you won't expect him to babysit anymore.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context:
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
[/INST] nta if this had been someone other than your son, i'd be calling it abuse and assault. certinally negligent. he is clearly unreliable and i'd be very upset. the fact you let your son talk to you in such a manner is alarming as well. </s>
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AITA for kicking my sister out of my wedding
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so i'm (m28) getting married in two weeks and both of my sister's are in the wedding. they have gotten close to my future wife and she was happy to include them as bridesmaids.
overall, my older sister (f31) has had a difficult life for a variety of reasons and many of them have been out of her control. i feel immense pain for what she's gone through and have always hoped for her to figure things out and get settled in life. she doesn't have a consistent job and has always been in and out of relationships.
as a result of her lack of stability, planning for a wedding has been tough. for example, for the bachelorette she 'accidentally' used my credit card to make $200 worth of purchases on clothes for the bachelorette. on top of it, she never paid the maid of honor back for her expenses on the bachelorette. so overall, things have been off to a rough start.
because we knew money was tight, we all combined our money to pay for her bridesmaid dress as a birthday gift and had it shipped to her friend's house, where she was living. well by the time it arrived (a month and a half ago), she no longer lived there and is living with her boyfriend. the problem was she has been telling us for weeks she was going to pick it up and still hasn't (were less than two weeks out). she has said her friend broke her knee (which we did confirm is true).
but we're very stressed because the dress likely has to be altered.
i finally got fed up.and text her that if she doesn't have the dress and get it altered, she won't be in the wedding.
so aita?
tldr: my sister still doesn't have her bridesmaid dress and i told her she can't be in the wedding if she doesn't get her dress in time to alter it.
| 187 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xae64l/aita_for_kicking_my_sister_out_of_my_wedding/
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2022-09-10 02:56:10
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nta. not sure what else you can do at this point. whatever the reason, it seems your wedding is not a priority for her. if it was, she would have found some way to get the dress so she could be prepared.
your demand is entirely reasonable.
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nta
that's awful she purchased items on your credit card and most likely won't be paying back the moh. she sounds like a treat.
you did the right thing. even if she gets the dress this weekend it may be hard for her to find someone to alter it before the big day. being in your wedding has no priority in her life.
congrats on the upcoming wedding!
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nta. your sister isn’t making your wedding a priority, and is costing people money. no one “accidentally” spends $200 on someone else’s credit card without immediate transferring them the money or canceling the order. your sister sounds like she might be the problem in her life.
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nta what does your fiancé think?
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so i'm (m28) getting married in two weeks and both of my sister's are in the wedding. they have gotten close to my future wife and she was happy to include them as bridesmaids. overall, my older sister (f31) has had a difficult life for a variety of reasons and many of them have been out of her control. i feel immense pain for what she's gone through and have always hoped for her to figure things out and get settled in life. she doesn't have a consistent job and has always been in and out of relationships. as a result of her lack of stability, planning for a wedding has been tough. for example, for the bachelorette she 'accidentally' used my credit card to make $200 worth of purchases on clothes for the bachelorette. on top of it, she never paid the maid of honor back for her expenses on the bachelorette. so overall, things have been off to a rough start. because we knew money was tight, we all combined our money to pay for her bridesmaid dress as a birthday gift and had it shipped to her friend's house, where she was living. well by the time it arrived (a month and a half ago), she no longer lived there and is living with her boyfriend. the problem was she has been telling us for weeks she was going to pick it up and still hasn't (were less than two weeks out). she has said her friend broke her knee (which we did confirm is true). but we're very stressed because the dress likely has to be altered. i finally got fed up.and text her that if she doesn't have the dress and get it altered, she won't be in the wedding. so aita? tldr: my sister still doesn't have her bridesmaid dress and i told her she can't be in the wedding if she doesn't get her dress in time to alter it.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
so i'm (m28) getting married in two weeks and both of my sister's are in the wedding. they have gotten close to my future wife and she was happy to include them as bridesmaids. overall, my older sister (f31) has had a difficult life for a variety of reasons and many of them have been out of her control. i feel immense pain for what she's gone through and have always hoped for her to figure things out and get settled in life. she doesn't have a consistent job and has always been in and out of relationships. as a result of her lack of stability, planning for a wedding has been tough. for example, for the bachelorette she 'accidentally' used my credit card to make $200 worth of purchases on clothes for the bachelorette. on top of it, she never paid the maid of honor back for her expenses on the bachelorette. so overall, things have been off to a rough start. because we knew money was tight, we all combined our money to pay for her bridesmaid dress as a birthday gift and had it shipped to her friend's house, where she was living. well by the time it arrived (a month and a half ago), she no longer lived there and is living with her boyfriend. the problem was she has been telling us for weeks she was going to pick it up and still hasn't (were less than two weeks out). she has said her friend broke her knee (which we did confirm is true). but we're very stressed because the dress likely has to be altered. i finally got fed up.and text her that if she doesn't have the dress and get it altered, she won't be in the wedding. so aita? tldr: my sister still doesn't have her bridesmaid dress and i told her she can't be in the wedding if she doesn't get her dress in time to alter it. [/INST] nta. not sure what else you can do at this point. whatever the reason, it seems your wedding is not a priority for her. if it was, she would have found some way to get the dress so she could be prepared. your demand is entirely reasonable. </s>
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AITA for giving very cynical advice to my niece and nephew?
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my parents grew up in poverty and i am the only one who was able to get a college education. i have been able to build a solid career for myself, i am tutoring my niece and nephew. we also have conversations about work and life in general. they both are in high school and my niece will go to college next year.
we were discussing racism and how i dealt with it. i told them that it was very hard to deal with and you had to pick your battles when you don't have any leverage and i worked in a traditionally conservative sector and things were probably better now.
i told them about the first job i had after college. it was in a great company with a reputation which opened doors. i was one of three direct reports working under my boss but he was less open with me while he was very open and helpful with his white subordinates. i had the best numbers but i still got worse reviews than either of them. i thought it was my fault until one of the other subordinates told me that she has heard him crack a racist joke about me.
i didn't do anything about it and it was hard working under someone like that but i still did great work and i knew that i had to do better than my colleagues. it was a hard tradeoff to make as the three years i spent there set up the next 10 years of my career.
i also talked about how the same person who told me about the racist boss and was sympathetic about it complained and called me a token hire when we were up for a promotion. i told them that there was no right answer to these situations and i would do something different if it had been happening to someone else and i was able to deal more proactively with racism after i reached a certain level of seniority in my career and i had a hard time tolerating racism against people than other than myself.
i also told them about my time where my friend complained about racism and it got her boss fired but even then she found herself locked out of promotions, she felt that he was fired not because he was racist but because he was too dumb to hide it well. i also told them that having a white guy supporting these claims would really help be taken seriously. i
my wife overheard it and she feels like i am being too cynical and giving them cold and calculative advice which would just blunt their optimism and things were probably different now. i feel guilty because i wanted to be real about how things work in the corporate world and not give them advice that had worked for me but i think i was overly cynical about it.
| 1,808 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rz0q3n/aita_for_giving_very_cynical_advice_to_my_niece/
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2022-01-08 14:12:20
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nta
you're giving them a dose of reality. racism still exists.
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nta
as a woman in male dominated field, i can assure you those things do happen still.
dose of reality never hurt anyone.
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nta
they sound old enough to hear about your real life experiences.
is your wife the same race as you guys?
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nta, you are giving them real advice based on real experience, your experience.
>my wife overheard it and she feels like i am being too cynical and giving them cold and calculative advice which would just blunt their optimism and things were probably different now.
some people give flowery advice meant to paint a bright picture and view the world through rose colored glasses. you did the opposite. nta, nothing wrong with your approach.
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nta. idk what race or ethnicity you are, but i'm black and i'll tell you something that has been drilled into my head and the heads of all of my black friends as well.
to make it in america, you have to be twice as good as your white counterpart. why? bc a lot of people will not see past the color of your skin. you can get straight a's in school and still be called a hood rat. people will still react with surprise when they discover that you're "well spoken." if you get pulled over by the police you're more likely to be treated like a criminal and got to jail or be shot.
it's obviously better now, but not better enough. when you go out into a field that is dominated by non-poc, you suddenly become the representative for every person that looks like you. if you don't have any allies, it's exhausting and you find yourself doing to utmost to show your people in a positive light even though it's not your responsibility. you have to sit through microagressions ("why do you talk like that?" "why don't you straighten your hair so it looks neater?" "you don't wash your hair everyday? gross." ) and you have to take it.
it's fucked up and that's why code-switching is a thing. we switch up our mannerisms and language usage to fit into a society that isn't really built for us. and you do a disservice to your children (or nieces and nephews in your case) if you don't prepare them for this.
and this comment will likely be downvoted. but i hope you see it and know that you're not the asshole. you can't send children out into the world with rose-colored glasses and expect them to be okay. prepare them for reality and be there for them when bad shit happens. encourage them to fight for change. that's all we can really do.
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nta you told the truth.
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nta
things might be different now but they are not ok. the new generation needs to be aware of what came before them. that's the only way they can be prepared, recognize the situation and handle it better.
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nta. i have had similar conversations with my daughters, albeit regarding different -ism's. part of preparing young adults for real life is helping them understand reality. we each made decisions we thought were best for us at the time. some were good, some were bad. it's not a bad thing to discuss with willing teenagers. i hope their world is better, but with the rise of outward racism these days, i am only cautiously hopeful.
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nta it's better that they go into the world realizing that things rarely happen fairly. if you've got a white racist with seniority and/or connections in charge, there's a good chance that trying to have him held responsible for racist/sexist/homophobic/etc. comments will not only not get him fired, but like your friend found out, could seriously hurt their career development. feel good stories about people finally getting what they "deserve" after years of one type of abuse or another, are great! but that's rarely the way it goes. it's better your niece and nephew know this and learn to pick their battles before they go into something thinking they'll get justice, only to tank their prospects and possibly be ostracized from that entire field.
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nope nta, you're right and they're asking you for advice. no need to sugar coat or gloss over things.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my parents grew up in poverty and i am the only one who was able to get a college education. i have been able to build a solid career for myself, i am tutoring my niece and nephew. we also have conversations about work and life in general. they both are in high school and my niece will go to college next year. we were discussing racism and how i dealt with it. i told them that it was very hard to deal with and you had to pick your battles when you don't have any leverage and i worked in a traditionally conservative sector and things were probably better now. i told them about the first job i had after college. it was in a great company with a reputation which opened doors. i was one of three direct reports working under my boss but he was less open with me while he was very open and helpful with his white subordinates. i had the best numbers but i still got worse reviews than either of them. i thought it was my fault until one of the other subordinates told me that she has heard him crack a racist joke about me. i didn't do anything about it and it was hard working under someone like that but i still did great work and i knew that i had to do better than my colleagues. it was a hard tradeoff to make as the three years i spent there set up the next 10 years of my career. i also talked about how the same person who told me about the racist boss and was sympathetic about it complained and called me a token hire when we were up for a promotion. i told them that there was no right answer to these situations and i would do something different if it had been happening to someone else and i was able to deal more proactively with racism after i reached a certain level of seniority in my career and i had a hard time tolerating racism against people than other than myself. i also told them about my time where my friend complained about racism and it got her boss fired but even then she found herself locked out of promotions, she felt that he was fired not because he was racist but because he was too dumb to hide it well. i also told them that having a white guy supporting these claims would really help be taken seriously. i my wife overheard it and she feels like i am being too cynical and giving them cold and calculative advice which would just blunt their optimism and things were probably different now. i feel guilty because i wanted to be real about how things work in the corporate world and not give them advice that had worked for me but i think i was overly cynical about it.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
my parents grew up in poverty and i am the only one who was able to get a college education. i have been able to build a solid career for myself, i am tutoring my niece and nephew. we also have conversations about work and life in general. they both are in high school and my niece will go to college next year. we were discussing racism and how i dealt with it. i told them that it was very hard to deal with and you had to pick your battles when you don't have any leverage and i worked in a traditionally conservative sector and things were probably better now. i told them about the first job i had after college. it was in a great company with a reputation which opened doors. i was one of three direct reports working under my boss but he was less open with me while he was very open and helpful with his white subordinates. i had the best numbers but i still got worse reviews than either of them. i thought it was my fault until one of the other subordinates told me that she has heard him crack a racist joke about me. i didn't do anything about it and it was hard working under someone like that but i still did great work and i knew that i had to do better than my colleagues. it was a hard tradeoff to make as the three years i spent there set up the next 10 years of my career. i also talked about how the same person who told me about the racist boss and was sympathetic about it complained and called me a token hire when we were up for a promotion. i told them that there was no right answer to these situations and i would do something different if it had been happening to someone else and i was able to deal more proactively with racism after i reached a certain level of seniority in my career and i had a hard time tolerating racism against people than other than myself. i also told them about my time where my friend complained about racism and it got her boss fired but even then she found herself locked out of promotions, she felt that he was fired not because he was racist but because he was too dumb to hide it well. i also told them that having a white guy supporting these claims would really help be taken seriously. i my wife overheard it and she feels like i am being too cynical and giving them cold and calculative advice which would just blunt their optimism and things were probably different now. i feel guilty because i wanted to be real about how things work in the corporate world and not give them advice that had worked for me but i think i was overly cynical about it. [/INST] nta you're giving them a dose of reality. racism still exists. </s>
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AITA for telling my MIL that once she reads up on basic 6th grade biology, she’s free to give me a call and apologize?
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i (28f) have been married to my husband cam (32m) for two years, and we’ve been together for 4 in total. he was a friend of my older brother, so i’ve known him even longer.
cam and i decided to try for a baby, and now i’m currently 20wks with our first. when we told my mil the news, the first thing she mentioned was that every woman in the family had a son before they had a daughter, so she thought the baby would be a boy.
cam and i told her we didn’t care what we were having, we just wanted a happy and healthy child.
well i’m having a girl, and we informed my mil of this earlier in the evening. cam and i weren’t onboard with the idea of a huge dramatic gender reveal so we just decided to go with casual announcements. mil immediately seemed upset at this and she told me that next time i need to try harder to give my husband a son. i laughed and said i didn’t really have much of a choice in the matter, so if and when we have another child, there’s nothing i could do to make sure we had a boy then either.
she said that it was a fault on my end, because she had a boy first (she had all boys), all of her other sons wives had boys first, so that meant i was the odd one out.
cam told his mom that he didn’t care about having a son or not, and that she needed to stop blaming me for something that couldn’t possibly be my fault but then she started getting onto him about how he should want a child that can carry on the family name instead of a daughter that will just be given away.
the whole thing was absolutely ridiculous, so i told her that once she looks into getting a refresher course and reading up on basic biology she should have learned in the 6th grade, she’s free to give me a call and apologize for being absolutely ridiculous.
my husband and i left after that, and in the car he said that while he understood my frustration, he didn’t appreciate me speaking to his mother like that because i basically implied that she was an idiot.
i told him that i didn’t appreciate the way she was speaking to me and that he should be upset on behalf of our daughter since his mom clearly seems to think less of our child before she’s even been born.
the rest of the car ride was silent, and honestly we haven’t talked since getting back home either.
he did defend me to her, so i know he’s on my side, but i know he wouldn’t have brought up the way i spoke to her unless he really thought it was out of line. i feel like a bit of an ah now, and i’m not sure if i should apologize to her or not.
| 18,242 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xyf71y/aita_for_telling_my_mil_that_once_she_reads_up_on/
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2022-10-08 00:52:48
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nta she's treating your baby like she's less than before she's even born.
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nta
as one of two daughters tell your husband he needs to step up now, because this not going to be the last time someone out right says he should want a boy and that daughters are basically worthless.
that’s what your mil said ‘daughters get given away’.
it’s 2022 your daughter can have any name she wants, have any career she wants, choose who her family will be.
this is a hill to wage war on. mama bear up. your daughter needs you.
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[removed]
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nta
you were not rude, and it's true, if she knew basic biology she would know that the sperm determines the sex of the baby. there is nothing a woman can do.
she honestly is trying to make you feel inadequate that you couldn't give them a grandson, and that is out of line. honestly i wouldn't have been as nice as you. i would have brought out some google and made sure the text was in a large font and show her the science.
at this rate i hope you have all girls lol
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[removed]
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nta. "mil, you realize that by your logic, you were just given away and didn't carry on your father's name too. your mother must have not tried hard enough, otherwise you would be a man.
but in all seriousness, it sounds like she is from a culture that doesn't put as much value on women. i can get your husband thinking what you said is out of line, but when you remind him that mil thinks less of your child just because of their sex, hopefully that will set him straight.
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nta but if all her other kids have had sons first… then the family name is being carried on?? so what’s her deal? also your daughter could choose to keep her last name or hyphenate. mil is definitely a piece of work and needs to brush up on women’s studies along with biology lmfao
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[removed]
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nta.
what is this, the 1800’s where we need a prince to carry on the legacy of royalty or something?
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[removed]
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null | 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (28f) have been married to my husband cam (32m) for two years, and we’ve been together for 4 in total. he was a friend of my older brother, so i’ve known him even longer. cam and i decided to try for a baby, and now i’m currently 20wks with our first. when we told my mil the news, the first thing she mentioned was that every woman in the family had a son before they had a daughter, so she thought the baby would be a boy. cam and i told her we didn’t care what we were having, we just wanted a happy and healthy child. well i’m having a girl, and we informed my mil of this earlier in the evening. cam and i weren’t onboard with the idea of a huge dramatic gender reveal so we just decided to go with casual announcements. mil immediately seemed upset at this and she told me that next time i need to try harder to give my husband a son. i laughed and said i didn’t really have much of a choice in the matter, so if and when we have another child, there’s nothing i could do to make sure we had a boy then either. she said that it was a fault on my end, because she had a boy first (she had all boys), all of her other sons wives had boys first, so that meant i was the odd one out. cam told his mom that he didn’t care about having a son or not, and that she needed to stop blaming me for something that couldn’t possibly be my fault but then she started getting onto him about how he should want a child that can carry on the family name instead of a daughter that will just be given away. the whole thing was absolutely ridiculous, so i told her that once she looks into getting a refresher course and reading up on basic biology she should have learned in the 6th grade, she’s free to give me a call and apologize for being absolutely ridiculous. my husband and i left after that, and in the car he said that while he understood my frustration, he didn’t appreciate me speaking to his mother like that because i basically implied that she was an idiot. i told him that i didn’t appreciate the way she was speaking to me and that he should be upset on behalf of our daughter since his mom clearly seems to think less of our child before she’s even been born. the rest of the car ride was silent, and honestly we haven’t talked since getting back home either. he did defend me to her, so i know he’s on my side, but i know he wouldn’t have brought up the way i spoke to her unless he really thought it was out of line. i feel like a bit of an ah now, and i’m not sure if i should apologize to her or not.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i (28f) have been married to my husband cam (32m) for two years, and we’ve been together for 4 in total. he was a friend of my older brother, so i’ve known him even longer. cam and i decided to try for a baby, and now i’m currently 20wks with our first. when we told my mil the news, the first thing she mentioned was that every woman in the family had a son before they had a daughter, so she thought the baby would be a boy. cam and i told her we didn’t care what we were having, we just wanted a happy and healthy child. well i’m having a girl, and we informed my mil of this earlier in the evening. cam and i weren’t onboard with the idea of a huge dramatic gender reveal so we just decided to go with casual announcements. mil immediately seemed upset at this and she told me that next time i need to try harder to give my husband a son. i laughed and said i didn’t really have much of a choice in the matter, so if and when we have another child, there’s nothing i could do to make sure we had a boy then either. she said that it was a fault on my end, because she had a boy first (she had all boys), all of her other sons wives had boys first, so that meant i was the odd one out. cam told his mom that he didn’t care about having a son or not, and that she needed to stop blaming me for something that couldn’t possibly be my fault but then she started getting onto him about how he should want a child that can carry on the family name instead of a daughter that will just be given away. the whole thing was absolutely ridiculous, so i told her that once she looks into getting a refresher course and reading up on basic biology she should have learned in the 6th grade, she’s free to give me a call and apologize for being absolutely ridiculous. my husband and i left after that, and in the car he said that while he understood my frustration, he didn’t appreciate me speaking to his mother like that because i basically implied that she was an idiot. i told him that i didn’t appreciate the way she was speaking to me and that he should be upset on behalf of our daughter since his mom clearly seems to think less of our child before she’s even been born. the rest of the car ride was silent, and honestly we haven’t talked since getting back home either. he did defend me to her, so i know he’s on my side, but i know he wouldn’t have brought up the way i spoke to her unless he really thought it was out of line. i feel like a bit of an ah now, and i’m not sure if i should apologize to her or not. [/INST] nta she's treating your baby like she's less than before she's even born. </s>
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AITA for not punishing my son for cursing at my parents?
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my son's father and i were set up by our mothers who are best friends, we split up soon after our son turned 1. we are now remarried to other people and are very happy.
his father is married to a chinese woman. he has two half siblings and he was always aware of his paternal grandparents favouring him. he was too young to really understand why but he is 16 now and his grandfather tried to preach to him about the importance of marrying a white girl.
my son lost it and i think he was blind to why his grandparents treated him well for along time but that woke him up. he returned the gifts they had bought for christmas, he called them racists assholes and has cut them off.
my parents visited me and they tried to convice him that he needs to get back in touch with his paternal grandparents. he explained what had transpired and when they insisted, he lost his temper and told them to fuck off and that was not going to get back in touch with people who didn't consider his mom and siblings to be humans.
my parents were very flustered and they have complained to me for not punishing him and they want him to apologize. i have talked to him that he needed to be calmner and he couldn't yell to solve every problem. i think he is starting to get it but he told me that he was not going to make up or apololgize to either of his grandparents. i feel guilty because my parents are very upset and they adore my son and he wasn't very nice to them. i know they deserved it but they are still my parents.
| 1,011 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s2zyqm/aita_for_not_punishing_my_son_for_cursing_at_my/
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2022-01-13 13:54:42
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nta. oh god, please do not make your son apologise. adults can be wrong, they are wrong in this instance. children do not owe adults unwavering obedience to keep them happy.
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you son could apologize for swearing at them while also making it clear that he still stands by what he said. eg i’m sorry i swore at you. i still stand by my decision to not continue a relationship with other grandparents as i have zero tolerance for racism. i could have explained that to you in a calmer way and i hope you understand that this isn’t a topic i wish to discuss with you further.
you should tell your parents to butt out of this btw. they have no business trying to tell your son anything about his relationship with his other grandparents.
i will say light yta bc you don’t seem to be fully 100% behind your son and seem more worried about how your parents feel rather than concerning yourself with the fact that your son is dealing with a lot emotionally having realized the true reason for his paternal grandparents favouritism of him.
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nta, i'd be well proud of my son standing up to racism.
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your son is a wonderful man. you should be proud of him. and you should follow his exemple and not support racist people. why should he be punished for? standing up for his family? putting his brothers above some presents? not enabling disgusting people like your parents and ex inlaws?? the world is a better place with him in it. stop trying to guilt trip him. if you are a spineless person who is not strong enough to put some racist pigs in their place, that's your problem. thank whatever deity you believe in that he took after his father.
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nta. you talked about appropriate ways to communicate and how yelling isn't the way to go. older generations love to complain about swearing despite the fact that (at least the "lesser" swears) it's no longer seen as the epitome of offensive anymore.
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nta, welcome to the future where we don't pull rank in families anymore and we stand up for what's right.
maybe have your son apologize for his tone and cursing but allow him the space to emphatically defend his stance on not accepting their racist behavior.
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**nta** your parents wanted your son to apologize to his **racist** grandparents. he correctly stood up for his half-siblings and rather than applauding him, they wanted him punished. seems like both sets of grandparents have similar values. just because they’re nice doesn’t excuse their behaviors/values. like your son, imo racists deserve no mercy.
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yta. you should have stopped your parents, not your son. why does a 16 yo have to contend with racism among his grandparents, especially directed at his mom and siblings?
tell your son you stand by him, and then do so.
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nta. he wasn’t very nice to them with reason.
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nta. your son is learning his voice, his values. i was raised to always be nice to my elders and it got me gaslighted and depressed. being silent is stupid. don’t pressure him to apologize or makeup to them. what they did was deplorable.
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NTA
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YTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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YTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0.164243 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my son's father and i were set up by our mothers who are best friends, we split up soon after our son turned 1. we are now remarried to other people and are very happy. his father is married to a chinese woman. he has two half siblings and he was always aware of his paternal grandparents favouring him. he was too young to really understand why but he is 16 now and his grandfather tried to preach to him about the importance of marrying a white girl. my son lost it and i think he was blind to why his grandparents treated him well for along time but that woke him up. he returned the gifts they had bought for christmas, he called them racists assholes and has cut them off. my parents visited me and they tried to convice him that he needs to get back in touch with his paternal grandparents. he explained what had transpired and when they insisted, he lost his temper and told them to fuck off and that was not going to get back in touch with people who didn't consider his mom and siblings to be humans. my parents were very flustered and they have complained to me for not punishing him and they want him to apologize. i have talked to him that he needed to be calmner and he couldn't yell to solve every problem. i think he is starting to get it but he told me that he was not going to make up or apololgize to either of his grandparents. i feel guilty because my parents are very upset and they adore my son and he wasn't very nice to them. i know they deserved it but they are still my parents.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
my son's father and i were set up by our mothers who are best friends, we split up soon after our son turned 1. we are now remarried to other people and are very happy. his father is married to a chinese woman. he has two half siblings and he was always aware of his paternal grandparents favouring him. he was too young to really understand why but he is 16 now and his grandfather tried to preach to him about the importance of marrying a white girl. my son lost it and i think he was blind to why his grandparents treated him well for along time but that woke him up. he returned the gifts they had bought for christmas, he called them racists assholes and has cut them off. my parents visited me and they tried to convice him that he needs to get back in touch with his paternal grandparents. he explained what had transpired and when they insisted, he lost his temper and told them to fuck off and that was not going to get back in touch with people who didn't consider his mom and siblings to be humans. my parents were very flustered and they have complained to me for not punishing him and they want him to apologize. i have talked to him that he needed to be calmner and he couldn't yell to solve every problem. i think he is starting to get it but he told me that he was not going to make up or apololgize to either of his grandparents. i feel guilty because my parents are very upset and they adore my son and he wasn't very nice to them. i know they deserved it but they are still my parents. [/INST] nta. oh god, please do not make your son apologise. adults can be wrong, they are wrong in this instance. children do not owe adults unwavering obedience to keep them happy. </s>
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AITA sister blocks me after I bring up she only speaks to me for money
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tldr: am i the asshole because i was upset my sister really only spoke to me to ask for money and she blocked me on everything for bringing that up?
okay so background, my sister (22) and i (20) are both in the military. she’s been in longer than me and since being in has become a single mom. she’s always in my opinion struggled with budgeting and prioritizing with how to spend. i love my niece so naturally i let her borrow money because i wanted my niece to be taken care of. well shit started hitting the fan in the middle of my deployment. i’m on the uss theodore roosevelt and was one of the people on the ship that got sick with covid. during this time it really hit that... no one in my family checks on me like i do them? i message them randomly that i love them but they’ve literally never done that for me. well anyway my sister, while i was sick and still at the beginning of covid so very scared, asked me for 1k. i couldn’t give he that much and she apologized for asking the next day but since ive gotten home i had a falling out with my family that they never really checked up on me like i did them. i brought up that my sister only speaks to me for money. somehow that was the straw that broke the camels back for her and after some arguing my sister blocked me on literally everything and said she’ll unblock me when i apologize. i don’t think i have anything to apologize for? i’m about to deploy again very soon and she still has me blocked on everything. i’m confused because this is my big sister and all i wanted was for them to say i love you randomly like i would for them. that’s all. but instead i get blocked and ignored before i got out to sea for seven months in what is about to be an even worse deployment. i don’t feel like the ass but idk i’m hurt
| 278 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jy67h2/aita_sister_blocks_me_after_i_bring_up_she_only/
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2020-11-21 06:33:49
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nta - as soon as you noticed she was using you as an atm she didn't see a reason to have contact with you anymore. she is proving your point.
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nta. was your sister the favorite? that would probably explain it. hugs.
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you are an atm for her, nta definitely.
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nta.
i'm sorry, to feel like you don't have your family's support and are giving more in your relationships than you're getting back, that's very rough in a normal situation.
in your case: you caught a potentially deadly illness while far away from home and they left you hanging. now they (or just your sister, at least) is punishing you for bringing up your (very warranted, imo) feelings of hurt and disappointment, right before you're supposed to deploy again. that sounds incredibly upsetting, you don't deserve that.
i do wanna acknowledge that everyone has different love languages. my family never exchanges "i love you"s or shows affection, so if one started asking me to show my love in that way, i'd feel very uncomfortable. it doesn't mean i don't love them or care about them, it just means that's not my style. i show my love to my family through acts of service, personally. there's many different styles.
if they're not making you feel loved and valued through other avenues and you really need them to show their love in this specific way, then they should acknowledge the hurt they've caused you and at least try to do it because it'd mean a lot to you.
i'd bet your sister is overreacting because she feels called out, embarrassed and is now prioritizing her pride over your feelings/relationship. tell her that you're not shaming her for asking for financial help, that you're just asking for a little more support, that you don't think you should be sorry for having emotional needs and that you hope she understands because you value your relationship.
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> after some arguing my sister blocked me on literally everything and said she’ll unblock me when i apologize
lol no, she'll unblock you when she wants money again.
nta
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nta - speaking from experience here - cut them off as soon as you can. it’s not worth hanging on and hoping for change. unfortunately there never is any change. might be small changes that make you think things will be fine but eventually they will gravitate towards their usual behaviour and you’ll get hurt all over again. been on this rollercoaster for 2 decades and this summer i finally decided that this time i cut them off permanently and you know what, i feel like a weight lifted off me and i focused on myself rather than waiting for messages during birthdays and holidays, getting none and then two days later being asked for money and no mention of the birthday or holiday that just passed.
your sister blocked you? her loss. your family don’t show any care or love for you, their loss. i’ve created my own family who love me unconditionally and i’m grateful for them every day. you’re a loving, caring person and deserve better. all the best!
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nta. you called out your sister and she responded accordingly. you have a right to not let her use you.
| null | null | null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null | null | null | 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: tldr: am i the asshole because i was upset my sister really only spoke to me to ask for money and she blocked me on everything for bringing that up? okay so background, my sister (22) and i (20) are both in the military. she’s been in longer than me and since being in has become a single mom. she’s always in my opinion struggled with budgeting and prioritizing with how to spend. i love my niece so naturally i let her borrow money because i wanted my niece to be taken care of. well shit started hitting the fan in the middle of my deployment. i’m on the uss theodore roosevelt and was one of the people on the ship that got sick with covid. during this time it really hit that... no one in my family checks on me like i do them? i message them randomly that i love them but they’ve literally never done that for me. well anyway my sister, while i was sick and still at the beginning of covid so very scared, asked me for 1k. i couldn’t give he that much and she apologized for asking the next day but since ive gotten home i had a falling out with my family that they never really checked up on me like i did them. i brought up that my sister only speaks to me for money. somehow that was the straw that broke the camels back for her and after some arguing my sister blocked me on literally everything and said she’ll unblock me when i apologize. i don’t think i have anything to apologize for? i’m about to deploy again very soon and she still has me blocked on everything. i’m confused because this is my big sister and all i wanted was for them to say i love you randomly like i would for them. that’s all. but instead i get blocked and ignored before i got out to sea for seven months in what is about to be an even worse deployment. i don’t feel like the ass but idk i’m hurt
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
tldr: am i the asshole because i was upset my sister really only spoke to me to ask for money and she blocked me on everything for bringing that up? okay so background, my sister (22) and i (20) are both in the military. she’s been in longer than me and since being in has become a single mom. she’s always in my opinion struggled with budgeting and prioritizing with how to spend. i love my niece so naturally i let her borrow money because i wanted my niece to be taken care of. well shit started hitting the fan in the middle of my deployment. i’m on the uss theodore roosevelt and was one of the people on the ship that got sick with covid. during this time it really hit that... no one in my family checks on me like i do them? i message them randomly that i love them but they’ve literally never done that for me. well anyway my sister, while i was sick and still at the beginning of covid so very scared, asked me for 1k. i couldn’t give he that much and she apologized for asking the next day but since ive gotten home i had a falling out with my family that they never really checked up on me like i did them. i brought up that my sister only speaks to me for money. somehow that was the straw that broke the camels back for her and after some arguing my sister blocked me on literally everything and said she’ll unblock me when i apologize. i don’t think i have anything to apologize for? i’m about to deploy again very soon and she still has me blocked on everything. i’m confused because this is my big sister and all i wanted was for them to say i love you randomly like i would for them. that’s all. but instead i get blocked and ignored before i got out to sea for seven months in what is about to be an even worse deployment. i don’t feel like the ass but idk i’m hurt [/INST] nta - as soon as you noticed she was using you as an atm she didn't see a reason to have contact with you anymore. she is proving your point. </s>
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AITA for telling my parents that I hated being a girl (F22) when they told me they were so happy that I was born a girl?
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my parents always wanted to have all daughters and no sons because if they had a son, they would have to treat him equally to me, and then he might hate them because the entire world values men over women. they said that and they got their wish. all their children are women and have no sons.
however, i hate being a woman because nothing about being a woman is good. periods suck. being emotional sucks. cramps are horrible. everyone in my family treats women as vulnerable little creatures. people think they get a say in who i date, that i must choose certain types of guys for "security". they told my boyfriend (m23) that he wasn't 'manly' enough because he let me plan a date. they are constantly telling me to learn how to cook and clean because that is the "role of women", and if i didn't i would be unable to "fulfill my role in life".
they know i hated being a girl and so when they told me that they had always wished that i would be a girl, i was angry and told them i hated being a woman and that they should've wished that i would be a guy so that i can finish studying university and doing the things i like without being guilted into feeling that i will not be good enough for any guy because i genuinely despise the gender roles. they got really mad and told me that i am being unappreciative and unable to realize that being a woman is the best thing because everyone "protects me" and that i will always be valued. apparently, a daughter is the most precious person to a father, and that the relationship is only of love because a father has no expectations of his daughter i.e. passing his last name because apparently once the woman gets married she "leaves her family to join the man's family".my mom was saying that i can give my husband a child while men can't give me the same and honestly, does it not take to make a child? plus, the idea of having to suffer 9 months to have a child *to give it to my husband* is the stupidest thing i've ever heard. i haven't met a guy that would make me want to ruin my body for him. (my boyfriend and i just recently started dating, i don't know if he's "the one" yet).
my parents got really mad and told me that i can no longer see my boyfriend anymore and that i will have to have "weekly talks with them" so they can "cure me of my illness". of course, i told them i was an adult, i'm 22 and that i can see whoever i want. my dad told me that i'm a woman and that i'm under their control until i get married (talk about giving me reasons to not hate being a woman). so i walked out of the house to go out.
note: i don't really mind hating my gender. i have dealt with this issue for years now. i am okay being a girl as long as my boyfriend doesn't attempt to enforce any type of gender role on me.
note: my parents are really sweet who really value their daughters and genuinely want the best for them. sometimes they can be a bit too traditional, but overall they're the best parents i could've ever asked for.
| 175 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kpsxrc/aita_for_telling_my_parents_that_i_hated_being_a/
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2021-01-03 21:00:02
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nta. but what you hate isn't being a woman, what you hate is having to live in a place with truly shitty gender roles.
it's not you that's wrong. you're fine. it's them.
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nta - your parents are sexist. you should move out asap. you’re also in the fog if you think what they’re doing is good and normal. they’re basically holding you captive because you’re a woman.
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nta
your parents are ta for saying "curing you of your illness".
there are a few things that objectively suck a being female, at it seems like your family are only rubbing it in.
you're 22, you need to move the hell away from them. they might be "sweet" but it's not healthy at this age. you mentioned something about studying. do you have any job prospects?
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nta
as a woman, let me tell you this. your parents are wrong. their ideas stem from decades ago. as a woman you can go to uni, you can build a career, you can be successful. cramps ar not supposed to be horrible (seriously, go see an ob-gyn asap!), ok, hormones suck, but so does getting a boner at awkward times. periods also suck. carrying a child was, for me, one of the best experiences of my life (this is not the same for every woman). i have 2 bachelor degrees and a master degree. i have career. i am a parent. me nor my husband "own" our child, he is his own individual. we care for him, look after him, love him, but we don't _own_ him and we can't _give him_ to someone else as if he is someone's belonging.
there are many successful woman who had to fight for their rights. or maybe they didn't have to fight but just worked incredibly hard. start reading up on them, see what you can achieve!
angela merkel, the bundeskanselier of germany for god knows how long. marie curie, who was brilliant at science and had break through research. mother theresa. tiera guinn. rachel carson. jane goodall. chien shiung wu. aletta jacobs. margaret thatcher (yes her politics are much discussed, not saying she was right, but she did make it to pm). maryam marzakhani. vera rubin... i could go on and on and on!
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nta.
if everyone "protects" women, that would be new to all the victims of violence around the world.
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okay nta but by saying only women are emotional is incorrect. saying that men aren’t emotional is an example of toxic masculinity. also have you ever considered maybe your trans?
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women are not inherently more emotional than men. society just teaches us that throwing angry tantrums is rational when men do it.
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nta. but hey uh, op, i don't think your family is as great as you think :( you love them, and that's great! love - platonic, familial, romantic, whatever - is great! but their attitude towards gender roles is really, really awful because it's undermining you as an *individual*.
the comments "*my dad told me that i'm a woman and that i'm under their control until i get married"* and "*so they can "cure me of my illness"* sets off a lot of alarm bells specifically. your family is really sexist and they **don't** value "their daughters and genuinely want the best for them," they see you as property that is theirs until your married and can give them grandchildren. you're a person... not a goat.
they're not prioritizing ***your*** development, they're prioritizing their gender roles and expanding their family. i'm sure they may love you, but they don't *respect* you.
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nta
>they're the best parents i could've ever asked for.
dream higher yo.
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
| null | 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my parents always wanted to have all daughters and no sons because if they had a son, they would have to treat him equally to me, and then he might hate them because the entire world values men over women. they said that and they got their wish. all their children are women and have no sons. however, i hate being a woman because nothing about being a woman is good. periods suck. being emotional sucks. cramps are horrible. everyone in my family treats women as vulnerable little creatures. people think they get a say in who i date, that i must choose certain types of guys for "security". they told my boyfriend (m23) that he wasn't 'manly' enough because he let me plan a date. they are constantly telling me to learn how to cook and clean because that is the "role of women", and if i didn't i would be unable to "fulfill my role in life". they know i hated being a girl and so when they told me that they had always wished that i would be a girl, i was angry and told them i hated being a woman and that they should've wished that i would be a guy so that i can finish studying university and doing the things i like without being guilted into feeling that i will not be good enough for any guy because i genuinely despise the gender roles. they got really mad and told me that i am being unappreciative and unable to realize that being a woman is the best thing because everyone "protects me" and that i will always be valued. apparently, a daughter is the most precious person to a father, and that the relationship is only of love because a father has no expectations of his daughter i.e. passing his last name because apparently once the woman gets married she "leaves her family to join the man's family".my mom was saying that i can give my husband a child while men can't give me the same and honestly, does it not take to make a child? plus, the idea of having to suffer 9 months to have a child *to give it to my husband* is the stupidest thing i've ever heard. i haven't met a guy that would make me want to ruin my body for him. (my boyfriend and i just recently started dating, i don't know if he's "the one" yet). my parents got really mad and told me that i can no longer see my boyfriend anymore and that i will have to have "weekly talks with them" so they can "cure me of my illness". of course, i told them i was an adult, i'm 22 and that i can see whoever i want. my dad told me that i'm a woman and that i'm under their control until i get married (talk about giving me reasons to not hate being a woman). so i walked out of the house to go out. note: i don't really mind hating my gender. i have dealt with this issue for years now. i am okay being a girl as long as my boyfriend doesn't attempt to enforce any type of gender role on me. note: my parents are really sweet who really value their daughters and genuinely want the best for them. sometimes they can be a bit too traditional, but overall they're the best parents i could've ever asked for.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
my parents always wanted to have all daughters and no sons because if they had a son, they would have to treat him equally to me, and then he might hate them because the entire world values men over women. they said that and they got their wish. all their children are women and have no sons. however, i hate being a woman because nothing about being a woman is good. periods suck. being emotional sucks. cramps are horrible. everyone in my family treats women as vulnerable little creatures. people think they get a say in who i date, that i must choose certain types of guys for "security". they told my boyfriend (m23) that he wasn't 'manly' enough because he let me plan a date. they are constantly telling me to learn how to cook and clean because that is the "role of women", and if i didn't i would be unable to "fulfill my role in life". they know i hated being a girl and so when they told me that they had always wished that i would be a girl, i was angry and told them i hated being a woman and that they should've wished that i would be a guy so that i can finish studying university and doing the things i like without being guilted into feeling that i will not be good enough for any guy because i genuinely despise the gender roles. they got really mad and told me that i am being unappreciative and unable to realize that being a woman is the best thing because everyone "protects me" and that i will always be valued. apparently, a daughter is the most precious person to a father, and that the relationship is only of love because a father has no expectations of his daughter i.e. passing his last name because apparently once the woman gets married she "leaves her family to join the man's family".my mom was saying that i can give my husband a child while men can't give me the same and honestly, does it not take to make a child? plus, the idea of having to suffer 9 months to have a child *to give it to my husband* is the stupidest thing i've ever heard. i haven't met a guy that would make me want to ruin my body for him. (my boyfriend and i just recently started dating, i don't know if he's "the one" yet). my parents got really mad and told me that i can no longer see my boyfriend anymore and that i will have to have "weekly talks with them" so they can "cure me of my illness". of course, i told them i was an adult, i'm 22 and that i can see whoever i want. my dad told me that i'm a woman and that i'm under their control until i get married (talk about giving me reasons to not hate being a woman). so i walked out of the house to go out. note: i don't really mind hating my gender. i have dealt with this issue for years now. i am okay being a girl as long as my boyfriend doesn't attempt to enforce any type of gender role on me. note: my parents are really sweet who really value their daughters and genuinely want the best for them. sometimes they can be a bit too traditional, but overall they're the best parents i could've ever asked for. [/INST] nta. but what you hate isn't being a woman, what you hate is having to live in a place with truly shitty gender roles. it's not you that's wrong. you're fine. it's them. </s>
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AITA for asking my grandson to get a job?
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i have 2 sons sam(39) and jack(37). sam has a daughter emma(16) and jack has a son kai(17).
i have a job that pays well so i never had a problem with giving my sons a good life however i didn't want them to be spoiled so when they turned 14 i would tell them to get a part time job but i still provided everything for them.
emma's mom died when she was 1 years old and sam moved in with us because he couldn't handle a baby alone and he ended up living with us after that. i did the same thing with emma, when she turned 14 i asked her to get a job. she chose to work for me
a few montha ago jack called us and told us they had some problems and lost everything and asked for our help. i told him he can move in with us and i will help them.
last night we were talking and i asked kai when he is going to get a job. jack asked me if i'm serious and i said yes of course i am, you know the rule, anyone over 14 must have a job. he called me an asshole and asked me why i had no problem paying for emma for years but i can't support his son for a few months. i reminded him that emma also has a job and he snapped at me and said it doesn't count because she works for me and basically gets paid for doing nothing. i told him that's not true and she works. now they think i'm an asshole and playing favorites
| 1,254 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xtt9kd/aita_for_asking_my_grandson_to_get_a_job/
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2022-10-02 16:38:16
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nta
the problem jack has is that you **aren't** playing favorites and changing your rules for kai.
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nta. it's perfectly reasonable for a 17 year old to have a part time job, especially as you're going to provide him with everything he needs, and the job is just to prove responsibility.
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nta. how is it "playing favorites" to treat everyone exactly the same?
let kai work for you as well, if that's the issue.
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nta
everyone has had a job at 14 (though i think it should be 16, but this isn't about that and doesn't change the nta status) and it's the same expectation across the board. there's no favouritism going on there, just a set in stone expectation. he brought up granddaughter because he obviously doesn't know what she does or how hard he works and wants to use that to his advantage.
nta for setting expectations and asking a question.
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yta. 14? many places its not even legal & even when it is, its only an hour or 2. it is important to teach your children responsibility but its more important to let kids be kids. esp in a world that is trying to force them to be adults from the time they can walk. he has his entire life to work. he has only months left of being a child. being carefree. being irresponsible or to just not worry abt adult stuff. you have robbed your children & your granddaughter of their childhood. 14 is beyond extreme. 14. many havent even hit puberty but you want them to go to work after working in school all day? they have to study, shower, eat have a little down time as well as play time. and many help w chores around the house as well. what you are expecting is absurd. its crazy & its cruel. 14?!
i don't think its as big as a deal to expect him to work at 17 though. im honestly more worried abt your granddaughter.
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yta. being a high school student is a full-time job. after school hours, most kids have some sort of extracurricular or sport, and even the ones that don't have homework. teenagers don't get nearly enough sleep, and they are at high risk for depression and anxiety. they need time to do nothing and time to relax and time to just be a person.
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nta, you have rules and provide support. i had the same requirement in college from my parents. if i had a job, they helped. it showed them that i had skin in the game of taking care of my own stuff.
the only way i’d say you were tah is if the one working for you is truly skating and if the other grandkid is so bogged down with sports and school that they have no free time.
but if there is time to lean? there is time to clean.
if they don’t like the rules, they can find another benefactor to cover their room and board.
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info: how many hours a week are they expected to work? is this during the school year or just the summer break? how many hours of homework are they typically assigned? how much sleep do they get at night? do they have any extracurricular activities or hobbies? is working at 14 typical in your community?
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info: does kai also have the option to work for you?
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**yta.** massively so.
you have repeatedly, in the comments, used the excuse that these children "live under your roof and have to follow your rules". but you are not their parent, ethically it is not for you to parent them or make "rules" for them that don't specifically apply to their comportment within your home and how they treat your belongings. and more importantly, what you're demanding of them is illegal in most places.
with regards to "they live under my roof," those children didn't get to decide whether they moved into your home. they are minors, forced to go where their parents take them. your argument is ridiculous on the face of it. under your roof or not, you are not their legal guardian, you are at best their parents' landlord. you do not get to make demands about the children's time or activities.
more importantly, if you are in north america or one of countless western countries, there are laws about forcing minors to work at all, much less at the peril of losing their home. what you're insisting - that these minor children get jobs, or potentially be evicted from their homes in retaliation if they do not, is likely criminal. even if it weren't, the threat of it is monstrous.
literally nothing you're doing is "for their own good". this is not how you teach responsibility. it's abusive af. you can talk to kids about getting jobs (though frankly i don't think that making kids work potentially to the detriment of schoolwork as minors is always the best choice), but demanding it through threats is outrageous. yta.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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YTA
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YTA
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NTA
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INFO
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INFO
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YTA
| 0.557939 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i have 2 sons sam(39) and jack(37). sam has a daughter emma(16) and jack has a son kai(17). i have a job that pays well so i never had a problem with giving my sons a good life however i didn't want them to be spoiled so when they turned 14 i would tell them to get a part time job but i still provided everything for them. emma's mom died when she was 1 years old and sam moved in with us because he couldn't handle a baby alone and he ended up living with us after that. i did the same thing with emma, when she turned 14 i asked her to get a job. she chose to work for me a few montha ago jack called us and told us they had some problems and lost everything and asked for our help. i told him he can move in with us and i will help them. last night we were talking and i asked kai when he is going to get a job. jack asked me if i'm serious and i said yes of course i am, you know the rule, anyone over 14 must have a job. he called me an asshole and asked me why i had no problem paying for emma for years but i can't support his son for a few months. i reminded him that emma also has a job and he snapped at me and said it doesn't count because she works for me and basically gets paid for doing nothing. i told him that's not true and she works. now they think i'm an asshole and playing favorites
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i have 2 sons sam(39) and jack(37). sam has a daughter emma(16) and jack has a son kai(17). i have a job that pays well so i never had a problem with giving my sons a good life however i didn't want them to be spoiled so when they turned 14 i would tell them to get a part time job but i still provided everything for them. emma's mom died when she was 1 years old and sam moved in with us because he couldn't handle a baby alone and he ended up living with us after that. i did the same thing with emma, when she turned 14 i asked her to get a job. she chose to work for me a few montha ago jack called us and told us they had some problems and lost everything and asked for our help. i told him he can move in with us and i will help them. last night we were talking and i asked kai when he is going to get a job. jack asked me if i'm serious and i said yes of course i am, you know the rule, anyone over 14 must have a job. he called me an asshole and asked me why i had no problem paying for emma for years but i can't support his son for a few months. i reminded him that emma also has a job and he snapped at me and said it doesn't count because she works for me and basically gets paid for doing nothing. i told him that's not true and she works. now they think i'm an asshole and playing favorites [/INST] nta the problem jack has is that you **aren't** playing favorites and changing your rules for kai. </s>
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AITA for getting upset when my husband policed my choice of meals?
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i've (33f) been losing weight by counting calories and walking. i'm currently down 40 pounds! i started at 240 but now i'm 198.
my husband, dave (33m) and i planned on getting something to eat today. so i had a light breakfast and planned on a light dinner so i could eat essentially what i wanted at lunch. i'm also less restrictive on sundays.
while looking at the menu i decided i wanted to get chicken and a side. in my mind i was looking at grilled chicken and a salad. i guess he assumed fried chicken and fries or something because he said "that's probably to many calories for you today". in front of a bunch of people too!
i was extremely embarrassed and wanted to just leave.
he thinks he was just being helpful.
cried a bit on the way home after i attempted to explain why i was upset. he told me to stop using tears as a means of emotionally manipulating him. which i 100% was not doing. i'm not able to cry on demand. i started crying only after he was completely unapologetic and refused to listen to what i was saying.
he is now upset at me for making him take me home.
so, aita for getting upset when my husband policed my choice of meals?
| 6,400 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/k3ibyb/aita_for_getting_upset_when_my_husband_policed_my/
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2020-11-29 22:00:59
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nta at all. you've managed to lose 40 pounds without his help, so why would you need it now? the fact that he accused you of trying to manipulate him when you got upset is a huge red flag. don't just let this go.
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nta
what makes him think he can tell you what you're allowed to eat? what makes him think that's *helpful*? why would you, a grown up, who has successfully lost 40lbs by making your own food and exercise choices, need him, a man who is not your nutritionist and doesn't even know what you're eating or how many calories is in it, to tell you what you can and can't eat?
it's completely degrading to insinuate in public that you can't be trusted to choose your own meal, or that you're not allowed to eat some things because of your weight. it's completely out of line for him to make himself the gatekeeper of your diet, which it doesn't sound like he's educated on anyway.
this is like mansplaining meets concern trolling. and to top it off, he told *you* off for being upset enough to cry about it. as if you're responsible for the insensitive thing that *he* said?
next time he tries to control your diet to "help" you, just tell him 'thanks dr atkins, but i've lost 40lbs without your assistance, i think i got this'.
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nta.
he shamed what he assumed to be your food choices. he did so based on a calorie allotment that is not his to police. and he did it in front of other people.
even if you had planned on eating 10,000 calories in this meal, it's not his place to shame you publicly about it.
also, having the occasional "cheat" meal while watching your diet has been shown to help, so that you don't feel deprived and go balls out every day.
congratulations on your weight loss! i'm sorry your spouse is an ass.
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nta- the most important part of dieting is creating a healthy relationship with food. you can't do this if he decides what you eat. your diet is between you and your nutritionist. he doesn't have any part in it other than observing the results. his willfulness to provide unsolicited advice on your diet is already disturbing, especially in a public setting, but saying that your well deserved distress to this behavior is manipulative? that's abhorrent, and a big nasty red flag that needs to be dealt with immediately. be firm and set your boundaries when *your* (not his) diet is in question. and if he thinks your feelings aren't valid then perhaps a marriage counselor can inform him otherwise.
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oh hell no. nta. i don’t care if you wanted fried chicken, fries, a burger, pie and ice cream, and wash it down with a giant milkshake. that’s your prerogative. it’s none of his business how many calories you choose to eat and it’s certainly not anybody’s within earshot of him.
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100% nta. regardless of if he was trying to help, the second you said it upset you he should of apologized. the fact that he then tried to accuse you of emotional manipulation, blaming you, is a massive red flag. is this an isolated incident or does he typically act this callously?
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nta, and the comment is just a symptom of the problem. he sounds extremely dismissive of you.
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congratulations on your weight loss! this internet stranger is proud of you, dieting is hard work.
i'm going against the grain and saying nah though. assuming you are losing weight for you and not him then he doesn't mind what weight you are and in his mind he was trying to be supportive by his statement. maybe it was a little loud and maybe his tone set you off but i don't think that makes him ta. i understand this would be a sensitive topic for you so you would feel hurt and undermined but (saying this from experience with my own husband) he has been with you on your journey from the start and has seen your struggle and worries firsthand. so i do think he was genuinely trying to support you and just thought of it as a gentle reminder. (again this is from my experience with my husband but he would hate to hear me complain about any regrets i would have from breaking my diet out of my own fault.) walking that balance of trying to be supportive by being encouraging and being a hard taskmaster while still telling you you are perfect the way you are is a tough one filled with mistakes.
he was probably upset that he tried to support you, and has been trying to support you, but that backfired majorly. so i hope the emotional manipulation comment came from him being upset, perhaps because you upset him too but he isn't crying, and isn't a sign of anything bad.
i think you both need to have a conversation, that may include some crying, but hopefully you come to the conclusion that he's just trying to help but you got upset because you were embarrassed. embarrassment seemed to be the greater issue, enough to make you cry, but i could be wrong.
this is my personal preference, everyone's different, but i think if he's trying to be good and supportive then forbidding him from making any comments on your diet is harder than letting him make comments that could end up hit or miss. you would just need to remember that he's trying to support you in those moments of misses and explain why that particular comment made you upset that day.
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nta. tears aren't a manipulation tool. they're an expression of emotions. don't feel bad and don't feel guilty. he's being an aggressive butt hole because he saw your point so he did the only thing he could.... gaslighting.
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nta
he can police himself. you’re doing just fine on your own. congratulations on your loss! that’s awesome!
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
| 0.000375 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i've (33f) been losing weight by counting calories and walking. i'm currently down 40 pounds! i started at 240 but now i'm 198. my husband, dave (33m) and i planned on getting something to eat today. so i had a light breakfast and planned on a light dinner so i could eat essentially what i wanted at lunch. i'm also less restrictive on sundays. while looking at the menu i decided i wanted to get chicken and a side. in my mind i was looking at grilled chicken and a salad. i guess he assumed fried chicken and fries or something because he said "that's probably to many calories for you today". in front of a bunch of people too! i was extremely embarrassed and wanted to just leave. he thinks he was just being helpful. cried a bit on the way home after i attempted to explain why i was upset. he told me to stop using tears as a means of emotionally manipulating him. which i 100% was not doing. i'm not able to cry on demand. i started crying only after he was completely unapologetic and refused to listen to what i was saying. he is now upset at me for making him take me home. so, aita for getting upset when my husband policed my choice of meals?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i've (33f) been losing weight by counting calories and walking. i'm currently down 40 pounds! i started at 240 but now i'm 198. my husband, dave (33m) and i planned on getting something to eat today. so i had a light breakfast and planned on a light dinner so i could eat essentially what i wanted at lunch. i'm also less restrictive on sundays. while looking at the menu i decided i wanted to get chicken and a side. in my mind i was looking at grilled chicken and a salad. i guess he assumed fried chicken and fries or something because he said "that's probably to many calories for you today". in front of a bunch of people too! i was extremely embarrassed and wanted to just leave. he thinks he was just being helpful. cried a bit on the way home after i attempted to explain why i was upset. he told me to stop using tears as a means of emotionally manipulating him. which i 100% was not doing. i'm not able to cry on demand. i started crying only after he was completely unapologetic and refused to listen to what i was saying. he is now upset at me for making him take me home. so, aita for getting upset when my husband policed my choice of meals? [/INST] nta at all. you've managed to lose 40 pounds without his help, so why would you need it now? the fact that he accused you of trying to manipulate him when you got upset is a huge red flag. don't just let this go. </s>
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AITA for getting mad at my girlfriend for always ruining plans?
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so a bit of backstory. me (23m) and my girlfriend (22f) have been dating for nearly a year now and i have to have a bit of patience with her. i try not to get mad at her but this time i just cracked. for the whole relationship she always made plans with other people last minute even though we already made some.
this time i had had enough. so we had made some plans for the weekend a week prior and she agreed on them. fast forward to now, i was getting ready to go out and my girlfriend just sitting on the sofa. i stand at the door asking her if she's ready to go and the reply i got was, "i'm not going out with you today, i'm going out with friends". now, i know this sounds like i'm being dramatic but she's done this multiple times before.
after i get that reply i grab my phone and my keys and unlock the door. she tries to get me to stay by saying "i'll go out with you on tuesday!" i told her i have had enough of our plans being ruined so i walk out the door, get in my car and leave. i texted my girlfriend saying that i will come back when i'm ready.
now i'm staying at my friends house and getting calls from her and her girls saying that i'm a dickhead. so this is why i ask the question:
am i the asshole?
| 1,237 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wiiz0p/aita_for_getting_mad_at_my_girlfriend_for_always/
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2022-08-07 15:56:20
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nta.
seems like she has a better relationship with her friends than with you.
looks like you're overdue to end it and move on.
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nta
her unilaterally changing plans that she's already agreed to shows that she doesn't respect you. if this was the first time then i'd say you're overreacting. but since it's a pattern, then nta.
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nta. sounds like she thinks she can change joint plans without even telling you, and expect you to just stay home. it never occurred to her you might just make plans without her.
start doing that more often, op. get together with other people without her. and then decide how much you both bring to the relationship.
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nta
sounds like she values her friends more than you. likely they're only available to party on the weekend and she prioritizes that over time with you. figuring you're there whenever she wants you anyway.
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nta - but you need to ask yourself if these are really honest mistakes or if you are just a placeholder until she finds something better to do.
if she’s truly a spacey person, make a shared calendar. and take time to talk through your week and put things down in writing so there are no mistakes.
but the fact she wasn’t even apologetic, would suggest it was not a simple accident and she just sees you as someone to kill time with until something better comes along.
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i done it! i got the courage to kick her ass out of my house.
now it's time for me to work on myself and my mindset.
healthy me, here i come.
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nta
and it's not dramatic. when i make plans with someone i expect them to keep them.
as far as i'm concerned this is a huge level of disrespect.
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nta
it doesn't sound like she is dating you.
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nta. you had plans and she doesn’t bother to tell you she made other plans until it is literally time to leave? she is rude and you aren’t her priority.
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nta, she has shown you that you are not her priority.
believe her
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so a bit of backstory. me (23m) and my girlfriend (22f) have been dating for nearly a year now and i have to have a bit of patience with her. i try not to get mad at her but this time i just cracked. for the whole relationship she always made plans with other people last minute even though we already made some. this time i had had enough. so we had made some plans for the weekend a week prior and she agreed on them. fast forward to now, i was getting ready to go out and my girlfriend just sitting on the sofa. i stand at the door asking her if she's ready to go and the reply i got was, "i'm not going out with you today, i'm going out with friends". now, i know this sounds like i'm being dramatic but she's done this multiple times before. after i get that reply i grab my phone and my keys and unlock the door. she tries to get me to stay by saying "i'll go out with you on tuesday!" i told her i have had enough of our plans being ruined so i walk out the door, get in my car and leave. i texted my girlfriend saying that i will come back when i'm ready. now i'm staying at my friends house and getting calls from her and her girls saying that i'm a dickhead. so this is why i ask the question: am i the asshole?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
so a bit of backstory. me (23m) and my girlfriend (22f) have been dating for nearly a year now and i have to have a bit of patience with her. i try not to get mad at her but this time i just cracked. for the whole relationship she always made plans with other people last minute even though we already made some. this time i had had enough. so we had made some plans for the weekend a week prior and she agreed on them. fast forward to now, i was getting ready to go out and my girlfriend just sitting on the sofa. i stand at the door asking her if she's ready to go and the reply i got was, "i'm not going out with you today, i'm going out with friends". now, i know this sounds like i'm being dramatic but she's done this multiple times before. after i get that reply i grab my phone and my keys and unlock the door. she tries to get me to stay by saying "i'll go out with you on tuesday!" i told her i have had enough of our plans being ruined so i walk out the door, get in my car and leave. i texted my girlfriend saying that i will come back when i'm ready. now i'm staying at my friends house and getting calls from her and her girls saying that i'm a dickhead. so this is why i ask the question: am i the asshole? [/INST] nta. seems like she has a better relationship with her friends than with you. looks like you're overdue to end it and move on. </s>
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AITA for not greeting my coworker the same as I do another?
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this is a stupid conversation but i've been told i was an ass so many times i'm beginning to doubt myself.
i have a deaf coworker who's only real hearing ability is in deep vibrations even without her cochlear. i don't have a very deep voice but i can make a really deep death rattle noise that gets her attention. so whenever i see her i make a little death rattle sound and that's how we greet each other. she makes one back at me as best she can and it's our little special thing. one of my coworkers asked me why i greet her like that and not everyone else, or at the very least, create a special greeting for others too. i said it was just a thing for her since she can'y really hear me when i say hi. he said i could still try to make others feel included and the special greeting feels a bit "cliquey?"
aita?
| 10,567 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/n934tj/aita_for_not_greeting_my_coworker_the_same_as_i/
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2021-05-10 12:21:23
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nta, lol. coworker #2 needs a hobby.
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nta.
but your other co-worker is 100% the ah for this:
>**he said i could still try to make others feel included and the special greeting feels a bit "cliquey?"**
being accommodating to someone's disability isn't being cliquey, and whoever thinks so is either effectively waving a giant red flag, or is under the age of five.
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nta
this isn't some "in group we're so cool" secret handshake.
it's literally a necessity to be able to casually communicate with her.
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[removed]
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nta
... and start to greet that one coworker with "hey babygirl".
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hahaha what a tool. “hey why don’t you greet me like a deaf person?”
any other disabilities he wants you to pretend he has?
nta.
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good lord no you are not the asshole and your coworker is a freaking moron. good luck at your employment cause damn.
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[deleted]
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nta, you've done something due to a disability, if other people feel excluded by your effort to be inclusive then that's their problem.
this wouldn't even be an issue even if your coworker wasn't deaf, nobody will ever greet everyone in 100% the same way, but the fact that it's an effort to make things easier for her just makes it more ridiculous.
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nta, you’re making her feel seen and maybe even appreciated as a human being, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
also, kind of curious how this death rattle was discovered😅
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: this is a stupid conversation but i've been told i was an ass so many times i'm beginning to doubt myself. i have a deaf coworker who's only real hearing ability is in deep vibrations even without her cochlear. i don't have a very deep voice but i can make a really deep death rattle noise that gets her attention. so whenever i see her i make a little death rattle sound and that's how we greet each other. she makes one back at me as best she can and it's our little special thing. one of my coworkers asked me why i greet her like that and not everyone else, or at the very least, create a special greeting for others too. i said it was just a thing for her since she can'y really hear me when i say hi. he said i could still try to make others feel included and the special greeting feels a bit "cliquey?" aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
this is a stupid conversation but i've been told i was an ass so many times i'm beginning to doubt myself. i have a deaf coworker who's only real hearing ability is in deep vibrations even without her cochlear. i don't have a very deep voice but i can make a really deep death rattle noise that gets her attention. so whenever i see her i make a little death rattle sound and that's how we greet each other. she makes one back at me as best she can and it's our little special thing. one of my coworkers asked me why i greet her like that and not everyone else, or at the very least, create a special greeting for others too. i said it was just a thing for her since she can'y really hear me when i say hi. he said i could still try to make others feel included and the special greeting feels a bit "cliquey?" aita? [/INST] nta, lol. coworker #2 needs a hobby. </s>
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AITA for not giving half of my inheritance to my grandmother
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my father recently passed away and i received a small inheritance along with my sister. it wasn’t much, but i would be able to pay all my student loans with the amount and have some left over. the issue is that my grandmother wants about 30k from me and my sister.
my grandmother said that she loaned my father 30k to my dad for a car, and my dad had confirmed that this was true; however, i wish not to give them money for a couple reasons. the first being that i don’t get along with my grandmother. my father had a past of cheating on my mom, and ended up having another kid with someone else who he basically disowned. whenever my mom comes over to family events, my grandmother will remind her of this fact and basically torture her with the information.
the second reason is that she just plans to give the money to other family members for some reason, and if it wasn’t evident, my other family members would be quite irresponsible with money (gambling issues, drug and alcohol issues, etc). it doesn’t help that they seem to be adding more and more “loans” that my dad borrowed from them, all of which they failed to mention until after his death.
i do feel kind of petty about withholding money that is legitimately owed to them, but i feel paying off my student debt would be of better use.
| 688 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ouznyw/aita_for_not_giving_half_of_my_inheritance_to_my/
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2021-07-31 03:09:48
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nta-if you’re in the usa his estate will have to go through probate before it’s dispersed. they can contest his will if he has one there and show any outstanding debts with proof of documentation then. if his estate has already gone through probate and none of this was mentioned and validated at the time it was in probate, then tell all of them to kick rocks. you don’t have to do any of this. if you’re under 18 you’ll have to have someone manage this money for you. i get the impression you aren’t a minor and this is family pressure.
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nta, don’t give it to her. she should have sorted it out with your father before he passed on. this is not your problem to solve now that he’s gone.
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nope. your dad owed her money. not you. was the responsibility of paying her back in your dad's will? i'm betting not. if she truly does that shit to your mother, do.not.pay.her.a.single.fucking.cent.
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block her. go ahead. it’s perfectly ok. and tell sis go fo it to. it’s not like she’s gonna leave you anything and tbh i’d have cut her off for crapping on my mom.
just block block block.
if anyone asks you can you don’t know what they’re saying and walk away.
nta
edit words need coffee to type clear.
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nta
>her response was that she shouldn't need a lawyer to get her money
sorry, g-ma. it's not your money. you should have gotten repaid before your son passed away.
do not give her the money. you know what she's up to.
pay your debts , save the rest. tell her it's gone.
her rotten family does not deserve it.
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is your inheritance a cash payment or from insurance? because if it’s insurance, that’s your money and i believe not part of the estate disbursement. if it’s cash (bank account, other assets) grandma needs to file a claim with the probate court. either way, you’re nta, just don’t give her any money till she’s gone through the courts.
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gonna say nah because of your grandma has a right to the money, it’s not your responsibility to give it to her. it’s her responsibility to contest the will and lawyers will deal with outstanding debts. idk why people are saying yta when your grandma should know better than to just ask for the money straight up, and when it literally isn’t your legal responsibility.
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block her. go ahead. it’s perfectly ok. and tell sis go fo it to. it’s not like she’s gonna leave you anything and tbh i’d have cut her off for crapping on my mom.
just block block block.
if anyone asks you can you don’t know d we hat they’re saying and walk away.
nta
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nta.
you are not responsible for the debts of others - this debt was between your grandmother and your father, not you and your grandmother.
you are correct that this is between your grandmother and your father's estate; there's a reason that there are laws and procedures around this thing.
it \*may\* be that since you have received the inheritance that probate is already closed. it might be that your grandmother didn't get around to making the claim or it may be that she doesn't actually have proof of a valid claim. neither of these are your fault.
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question: in many countries a will goes through probate. debts are settled and taxes are paid. was that already done? have you already received the money?
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
| null | 0.000646 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my father recently passed away and i received a small inheritance along with my sister. it wasn’t much, but i would be able to pay all my student loans with the amount and have some left over. the issue is that my grandmother wants about 30k from me and my sister. my grandmother said that she loaned my father 30k to my dad for a car, and my dad had confirmed that this was true; however, i wish not to give them money for a couple reasons. the first being that i don’t get along with my grandmother. my father had a past of cheating on my mom, and ended up having another kid with someone else who he basically disowned. whenever my mom comes over to family events, my grandmother will remind her of this fact and basically torture her with the information. the second reason is that she just plans to give the money to other family members for some reason, and if it wasn’t evident, my other family members would be quite irresponsible with money (gambling issues, drug and alcohol issues, etc). it doesn’t help that they seem to be adding more and more “loans” that my dad borrowed from them, all of which they failed to mention until after his death. i do feel kind of petty about withholding money that is legitimately owed to them, but i feel paying off my student debt would be of better use.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
my father recently passed away and i received a small inheritance along with my sister. it wasn’t much, but i would be able to pay all my student loans with the amount and have some left over. the issue is that my grandmother wants about 30k from me and my sister. my grandmother said that she loaned my father 30k to my dad for a car, and my dad had confirmed that this was true; however, i wish not to give them money for a couple reasons. the first being that i don’t get along with my grandmother. my father had a past of cheating on my mom, and ended up having another kid with someone else who he basically disowned. whenever my mom comes over to family events, my grandmother will remind her of this fact and basically torture her with the information. the second reason is that she just plans to give the money to other family members for some reason, and if it wasn’t evident, my other family members would be quite irresponsible with money (gambling issues, drug and alcohol issues, etc). it doesn’t help that they seem to be adding more and more “loans” that my dad borrowed from them, all of which they failed to mention until after his death. i do feel kind of petty about withholding money that is legitimately owed to them, but i feel paying off my student debt would be of better use. [/INST] nta-if you’re in the usa his estate will have to go through probate before it’s dispersed. they can contest his will if he has one there and show any outstanding debts with proof of documentation then. if his estate has already gone through probate and none of this was mentioned and validated at the time it was in probate, then tell all of them to kick rocks. you don’t have to do any of this. if you’re under 18 you’ll have to have someone manage this money for you. i get the impression you aren’t a minor and this is family pressure. </s>
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AITA for refusing to give my parents my passwords now that I'm an adult?
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this happened a few months ago and my dad is insistent that i'm the asshole here.
my parents have always been kind of overprotective. ever since i was old enough to make my first social media accounts, they insisted that they had to have the passwords to them. being around 11 years old at the time, i agreed. i soon got upset though, since i started noticing messages being sent that weren't typed by me on my account. if my friends swore, my parents would send them a message acting as if they were me, being rude to them and telling them that i didn't want to be friends with them anymore. this caused a lot of fights between me and my friends. meanwhile, my parents stated that it was for the best.
as i got older, this behaviour just got worse. around high school, my dad installed security cameras in the house. he said it was for keeping us safe, but honestly, it feels like i'm in prison. the cameras are all in different angles to make sure there are no blind spots. they're placed in the kitchen, living room and all the hallways. none in the bedrooms or bathrooms though. he can check them on his phone along with use them as an intercom system to get upset at me if i'm doing something he doesn't like.
he made me install an app onto my phone that logs where i go, for how long and how i got there. it keeps this information for about a week and notifies him if i turn off my location sharing. he checks it often and then asks me about it almost daily. (ex. "i saw you went to x's house today. how was that?"
he also keeps a paper in the house with all my usernames and passwords for every social media account i have that they know about. they make me update it yearly and test it before letting me go to make sure that it all works. they say that it's for safety reasons, so that if i go missing or something, they can check who i was talking to.
however, i'm 21 now. i live with them to save money since i'm still a full time university student. recently, my dad asked me to update the passwords and i told him no, because i would like to have some privacy now. he got extremely upset and used his parental controls on the wifi to cut my devices from getting connected for a week. i wasn't able to do my homework properly and i couldn't call with friends or anything because i don't have much data in my phone plan.
i got upset with my dad and got into a pretty bad argument with him. he said that he was just protecting me and that as my father it was his job to make sure that he always knew where i was and what i was doing. i tried talking to my mom about this, but she said that i shouldn't keep seeing the both of them as the bad guys and that i would eventually understand. she cried during our conversation and kept telling me how much i hurt my dad by implying that i don't trust him.
i've always been introverted and never go anywhere without telling them. i don't think i need to be surveilled this heavily but i do feel bad for upsetting my mom so much.
aita?
| 12,047 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jz4iu1/aita_for_refusing_to_give_my_parents_my_passwords/
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2020-11-22 21:59:36
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nta. this is abuse.
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nta.
honestly i have no words for how bad and toxic their behavior is.
please, for your own sake: move out, change all your passwords and show them some boundaries.
this is not a healthy relationship and you are a grown adult. don't tolerate this anymore.
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nta. i've worked in domestic abuse/violence homes before and they would absolutely take you in for a few months while you figure things out. this is toxic and abusive, even if good intentions are in play. no parent should be that controlling of their child, especially once you get old enough to be an adult.
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nta
even when you were a child this was extreme and controlling and incredibly troubling. you're 21. get the hell out of there. this is textbook abuse and he won't stop with just cutting the wifi.
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nta. this is from a parent. a parents job is to prepare them for adulthood, which sometimes means not being protective. your are 21 and this is way passed overkill. even living at home, which does come with some strings, this is too much.
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nta - he is actively hindering your development into a fuctioning adult.
the parental controls may be fine up untill a child turns 16, same goes for sharing passwords, but after that it is just insulting, and only shows that he has done a bad job teaching you about the internet.
the mobile apps can be gotten rid of by wiping the phone and setting up a new apple id/google account.
them sending emails as you is an extremely big breach of trust, and it shows that they can never ever be let into you email agian.
there are ways to bypass the router block, i don't want to say anything specific, if your dad reads this, but there are ways.
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dude nta this isn’t normal like, at. all. that sounds like a horrible situation i’d want to get out of at the earliest opportunity. even if they are paying for your phone, tablet, laptop or whatever etc...you have absolutely no obligation to do as they ask. you have a right to privacy regardless of whether or not you live under their roof and they sound controlling and frankly kind of abusive and *very* manipulative. yeah your dad does kind of have a right to switch off the internet because he pays for it i assume, but the reason he did it was manipulative and vindictive. living in a place where your every move is recorded and monitored so closely to boot...doing that has to be illegal on some level especially when you’re an adult who can rescind your consent to that.
like...start saving up money to get out of there. you’re old enough to drink legally for goodness sake (if you’re in the us).
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nta
that's controlling abusive behaviour.
turn it around and tell them they don't trust you.
run.
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wow, nta. this sounds like such a toxic environment that your dad’s created that i kind of hope this is a shitpost. carefully plan your escape. go to therapy. once you’re out and stable, consider if your mother may also need to escape. best wishes for healthier days ahead 💌🍀
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nta - how long till you graduate? can you get a pt job to at least pay for your own phone/data plan? that way you can do your work properly.
this is not normal. the fact they are pestering you to get home from the university, where the library is and limiting access to your professors and peers, is disturbing too.
you are obviously not in a shut down area, do you have other family members to turn to for support? please keep us posted.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: this happened a few months ago and my dad is insistent that i'm the asshole here. my parents have always been kind of overprotective. ever since i was old enough to make my first social media accounts, they insisted that they had to have the passwords to them. being around 11 years old at the time, i agreed. i soon got upset though, since i started noticing messages being sent that weren't typed by me on my account. if my friends swore, my parents would send them a message acting as if they were me, being rude to them and telling them that i didn't want to be friends with them anymore. this caused a lot of fights between me and my friends. meanwhile, my parents stated that it was for the best. as i got older, this behaviour just got worse. around high school, my dad installed security cameras in the house. he said it was for keeping us safe, but honestly, it feels like i'm in prison. the cameras are all in different angles to make sure there are no blind spots. they're placed in the kitchen, living room and all the hallways. none in the bedrooms or bathrooms though. he can check them on his phone along with use them as an intercom system to get upset at me if i'm doing something he doesn't like. he made me install an app onto my phone that logs where i go, for how long and how i got there. it keeps this information for about a week and notifies him if i turn off my location sharing. he checks it often and then asks me about it almost daily. (ex. "i saw you went to x's house today. how was that?" he also keeps a paper in the house with all my usernames and passwords for every social media account i have that they know about. they make me update it yearly and test it before letting me go to make sure that it all works. they say that it's for safety reasons, so that if i go missing or something, they can check who i was talking to. however, i'm 21 now. i live with them to save money since i'm still a full time university student. recently, my dad asked me to update the passwords and i told him no, because i would like to have some privacy now. he got extremely upset and used his parental controls on the wifi to cut my devices from getting connected for a week. i wasn't able to do my homework properly and i couldn't call with friends or anything because i don't have much data in my phone plan. i got upset with my dad and got into a pretty bad argument with him. he said that he was just protecting me and that as my father it was his job to make sure that he always knew where i was and what i was doing. i tried talking to my mom about this, but she said that i shouldn't keep seeing the both of them as the bad guys and that i would eventually understand. she cried during our conversation and kept telling me how much i hurt my dad by implying that i don't trust him. i've always been introverted and never go anywhere without telling them. i don't think i need to be surveilled this heavily but i do feel bad for upsetting my mom so much. aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
this happened a few months ago and my dad is insistent that i'm the asshole here. my parents have always been kind of overprotective. ever since i was old enough to make my first social media accounts, they insisted that they had to have the passwords to them. being around 11 years old at the time, i agreed. i soon got upset though, since i started noticing messages being sent that weren't typed by me on my account. if my friends swore, my parents would send them a message acting as if they were me, being rude to them and telling them that i didn't want to be friends with them anymore. this caused a lot of fights between me and my friends. meanwhile, my parents stated that it was for the best. as i got older, this behaviour just got worse. around high school, my dad installed security cameras in the house. he said it was for keeping us safe, but honestly, it feels like i'm in prison. the cameras are all in different angles to make sure there are no blind spots. they're placed in the kitchen, living room and all the hallways. none in the bedrooms or bathrooms though. he can check them on his phone along with use them as an intercom system to get upset at me if i'm doing something he doesn't like. he made me install an app onto my phone that logs where i go, for how long and how i got there. it keeps this information for about a week and notifies him if i turn off my location sharing. he checks it often and then asks me about it almost daily. (ex. "i saw you went to x's house today. how was that?" he also keeps a paper in the house with all my usernames and passwords for every social media account i have that they know about. they make me update it yearly and test it before letting me go to make sure that it all works. they say that it's for safety reasons, so that if i go missing or something, they can check who i was talking to. however, i'm 21 now. i live with them to save money since i'm still a full time university student. recently, my dad asked me to update the passwords and i told him no, because i would like to have some privacy now. he got extremely upset and used his parental controls on the wifi to cut my devices from getting connected for a week. i wasn't able to do my homework properly and i couldn't call with friends or anything because i don't have much data in my phone plan. i got upset with my dad and got into a pretty bad argument with him. he said that he was just protecting me and that as my father it was his job to make sure that he always knew where i was and what i was doing. i tried talking to my mom about this, but she said that i shouldn't keep seeing the both of them as the bad guys and that i would eventually understand. she cried during our conversation and kept telling me how much i hurt my dad by implying that i don't trust him. i've always been introverted and never go anywhere without telling them. i don't think i need to be surveilled this heavily but i do feel bad for upsetting my mom so much. aita? [/INST] nta. this is abuse. </s>
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AITA for not wanting to take in my husband's grandchild?
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i (33f) told my husband (38) i didn’t want kids before we got married. he was fine with it. in 2014 (a year into our marriage), we found out he had a 10-year-old daughter from a college fling when her mom reached out to us for child support.
my husband has tried to be a father figure to her but she lives in another state and their relationship has been pretty awkward. then 2 months ago, she started calling my husband more often and now they talk every day. she’s been hinting at wanting to come live with us and my husband has begged me to consider it.
my husband is in the military and often goes away for weeks at a time and has 6 more years before he can retire. i have a job i love and work about 50-60 hours a week. i’m not ready to live with a troubled teenager who, according to her mom, runs away, skips school, sneaks boys into her room, calls her and her teachers a bitch, etc. our lifestyle also isn’t super conducive to kids. she’s obviously at an age where she doesn’t need a babysitter, but i don’t feel comfortable leaving her alone in my home for so many hours a day. despite being biologically related to my husband, she’s still basically a stranger to us.
turns out the reason she wants to live with us is because she’s 4.5 months pregnant. her mom wants her to give it up for adoption. she wants to keep it. i found out last night my husband proposed a compromise where she moves in with us to finish high school and goes to college, but we legally adopt her child with the understanding that she can see it whenever she wants. she’ll help with the baby until she goes to college, but we’ll be the “real parents.”
i’m skeptical it will work out the way he plans. nothing about my step-daughter leads me to think she’ll help with the baby at all. he says we should give her a chance and he will help her with all the late-night feedings, diaper changes, etc.—*when he’s home*. but even when he isn’t gone for weeks, he still has a regular m-f job. he leaves at 6:30 a.m. for pt and doesn’t get home until around 6:00. so at best, he could only ever do half the work, and that’s assuming we really split it that way.
i threatened leave and he hasn’t spoken to me since. i have to wonder if i'm right here. the baby never asked for any of this and i really believe that he would pull his weight when he is home, but he obviously can't do it alone and we can't afford a nanny. i just have no idea how i could give up another 5-6 years of my working life to raise a baby i didn't want while my husband finishes his time in the military.
**tl;dr** **i never wanted kids but my husband is adamant that his daughter and grandchild should come live with us.** **aita for not wanting to adopt my husband’s grandchild?**
**edit for clarification: i didn't realize that it wasn't clear initially that my step-daughter is no longer 10 years old. she is 16. she was 10 when my husband found out she existed, but that was 6 years ago. and yes, she has been confirmed as his biological daughter.**
| 3,482 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gompx1/aita_for_not_wanting_to_take_in_my_husbands/
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2020-05-22 16:39:11
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nta
the fact that he made the deal with her before talking to you about it is super messed up.
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nta
it's gut check time, op.
you can't compromise on kids and it sounds like you'd be doing most of the work with that kid. divorce is the nuclear option but it may be time to hit that button to show the husband how serious you are about not wanting to deal with them. parenthood royally sucks too.
if you never wanted kids, stand up for yourself and don't deal with them. you're not being selfish at all either. this daughter of your husband is an exceptionally bad decision maker and i wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole. heading for the exits would be the best option.
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nta in that he should clearly have discussed this with you before hand, not volunteered you to be a mom. but this could easily end your marriage. if he is put in a position of caring for his grandchild vs being with you, he would not be ta to pick his grandchild, particularly since his daughter is clearly unequipped at this age to raise a child.
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nta. you already made this decision before getting married and your husband was well aware of that. it’s not fair to you at all. sorry, hope it’s works out somehow
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nta and i’m sorry you are in this position. i wouldn’t be willing to adopt the baby or raise the teenager either, but the father is welcome to.
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i'm going with nta because him coming up with that solution behind your back is unfair. that is a huge burden to ask of someone who made it clear that they didn't want children. at the end of the day i think it's a cruddy situation but you're not obligated to adopt a child and take care of a teen who you really don't know. if he were really home and could actually help i could understand his side more, but i think you're right to assume the responsibility would mostly fall to you and that's simply not fair to expect if someone. at the same time i can absolutely understand his feeling of obligation to his daughter, but his compromise is unfair to you.
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nta - you and your husband had an arrangement about children when you were married. there's really no good way to handle this situation, it's all going to come down to hard conversations and hard choices. this would be nah, but your husband shouldn't have made the proposal without fully discussing this with you first.
it sounds like your husband had no way of knowing he had a daughter and what kind of situation that would have been and is trying to do his best to cover what he feels are his obligations. going from the prospect of not having children to suddenly having a daughter and potentially a granddaughter is a life-altering switch. if he wants that to be a part of his life now, you need to figure out if that works for your relationship.
your perspective makes sense. you never had any intention of having children, and then suddenly having a teenager and a baby to deal with is the same level of life-shattering change. it sounds like the daughter will absolutely be a handful and isn't making great life decisions. that will add a lot of stress to your life and as you suggested, will almost certainly mean you become the parents and primary caregivers to a baby with a mom who prefers to act her age rather than be a responsible parent.
have long conversations with your husband. try to keep emotions out of it as much as possible. point out facts that are relevant, and your concerns with the daughter's behavior, and decide what's right for you. if you can't or won't become a full time caregiver for a baby and somewhat for a teenage daughter, make that clear, but know your husband may not be able to make that same decision.
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i want to offer you the perspective of a teen mom. i got pregnant at 19 and my son was born just before i turned 20. i was always very grown up and responsible and my parents have supported me every step of the way. my son's father is not in the picture because he was not mature enough to be a dad. and my son and i are better off that way. my parents help as much as they can, but i am the mother. i do the midnight feedings. i do the dirty diapers. i do the showers and the crying and the teething anger. i deal with the tantrums and the screaming. the only time my son gets passed off is when i'm sick or i have made arrangements to do something (like schoolwork). there is no way to be a parent and a traditional college student. it isn't possible. if your husband does not understand this, he is in for a shock. his daughter is definitely expecting him to raise her child. in my opinion, at that point, she's a surrogate not a mother. you shouldn't have to deal with that if you didn't want kids. now, he is allowed to chose his daughter, but you should explain to him that even if he does, you are allowed to leave. love sometimes isn't enough.
i wish you the best of luck, and ultimately it sounds like the baby will either be given up for adoption or taken care of by your husband so hopefully it works out well.
oh and nta!
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nta. why does he make all these plans to take care of the baby without your consent? honestly if it’s a deal breaker for you, then you should leave. taking in a troubled kid and a baby you didn’t sign up for is just gonna end up with resentment or pend up frustration.
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nta.
holy cow i would be so overwhelmed with all of this if i were you.
i think you and your husband deserve to see a third party, maybe they could be of some assistance. a professional understander of feelings. a therapist.
because your feelings are not wrong or selfish.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (33f) told my husband (38) i didn’t want kids before we got married. he was fine with it. in 2014 (a year into our marriage), we found out he had a 10-year-old daughter from a college fling when her mom reached out to us for child support. my husband has tried to be a father figure to her but she lives in another state and their relationship has been pretty awkward. then 2 months ago, she started calling my husband more often and now they talk every day. she’s been hinting at wanting to come live with us and my husband has begged me to consider it. my husband is in the military and often goes away for weeks at a time and has 6 more years before he can retire. i have a job i love and work about 50-60 hours a week. i’m not ready to live with a troubled teenager who, according to her mom, runs away, skips school, sneaks boys into her room, calls her and her teachers a bitch, etc. our lifestyle also isn’t super conducive to kids. she’s obviously at an age where she doesn’t need a babysitter, but i don’t feel comfortable leaving her alone in my home for so many hours a day. despite being biologically related to my husband, she’s still basically a stranger to us. turns out the reason she wants to live with us is because she’s 4.5 months pregnant. her mom wants her to give it up for adoption. she wants to keep it. i found out last night my husband proposed a compromise where she moves in with us to finish high school and goes to college, but we legally adopt her child with the understanding that she can see it whenever she wants. she’ll help with the baby until she goes to college, but we’ll be the “real parents.” i’m skeptical it will work out the way he plans. nothing about my step-daughter leads me to think she’ll help with the baby at all. he says we should give her a chance and he will help her with all the late-night feedings, diaper changes, etc.—*when he’s home*. but even when he isn’t gone for weeks, he still has a regular m-f job. he leaves at 6:30 a.m. for pt and doesn’t get home until around 6:00. so at best, he could only ever do half the work, and that’s assuming we really split it that way. i threatened leave and he hasn’t spoken to me since. i have to wonder if i'm right here. the baby never asked for any of this and i really believe that he would pull his weight when he is home, but he obviously can't do it alone and we can't afford a nanny. i just have no idea how i could give up another 5-6 years of my working life to raise a baby i didn't want while my husband finishes his time in the military. **tl;dr** **i never wanted kids but my husband is adamant that his daughter and grandchild should come live with us.** **aita for not wanting to adopt my husband’s grandchild?** **edit for clarification: i didn't realize that it wasn't clear initially that my step-daughter is no longer 10 years old. she is 16. she was 10 when my husband found out she existed, but that was 6 years ago. and yes, she has been confirmed as his biological daughter.**
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i (33f) told my husband (38) i didn’t want kids before we got married. he was fine with it. in 2014 (a year into our marriage), we found out he had a 10-year-old daughter from a college fling when her mom reached out to us for child support. my husband has tried to be a father figure to her but she lives in another state and their relationship has been pretty awkward. then 2 months ago, she started calling my husband more often and now they talk every day. she’s been hinting at wanting to come live with us and my husband has begged me to consider it. my husband is in the military and often goes away for weeks at a time and has 6 more years before he can retire. i have a job i love and work about 50-60 hours a week. i’m not ready to live with a troubled teenager who, according to her mom, runs away, skips school, sneaks boys into her room, calls her and her teachers a bitch, etc. our lifestyle also isn’t super conducive to kids. she’s obviously at an age where she doesn’t need a babysitter, but i don’t feel comfortable leaving her alone in my home for so many hours a day. despite being biologically related to my husband, she’s still basically a stranger to us. turns out the reason she wants to live with us is because she’s 4.5 months pregnant. her mom wants her to give it up for adoption. she wants to keep it. i found out last night my husband proposed a compromise where she moves in with us to finish high school and goes to college, but we legally adopt her child with the understanding that she can see it whenever she wants. she’ll help with the baby until she goes to college, but we’ll be the “real parents.” i’m skeptical it will work out the way he plans. nothing about my step-daughter leads me to think she’ll help with the baby at all. he says we should give her a chance and he will help her with all the late-night feedings, diaper changes, etc.—*when he’s home*. but even when he isn’t gone for weeks, he still has a regular m-f job. he leaves at 6:30 a.m. for pt and doesn’t get home until around 6:00. so at best, he could only ever do half the work, and that’s assuming we really split it that way. i threatened leave and he hasn’t spoken to me since. i have to wonder if i'm right here. the baby never asked for any of this and i really believe that he would pull his weight when he is home, but he obviously can't do it alone and we can't afford a nanny. i just have no idea how i could give up another 5-6 years of my working life to raise a baby i didn't want while my husband finishes his time in the military. **tl;dr** **i never wanted kids but my husband is adamant that his daughter and grandchild should come live with us.** **aita for not wanting to adopt my husband’s grandchild?** **edit for clarification: i didn't realize that it wasn't clear initially that my step-daughter is no longer 10 years old. she is 16. she was 10 when my husband found out she existed, but that was 6 years ago. and yes, she has been confirmed as his biological daughter.** [/INST] nta the fact that he made the deal with her before talking to you about it is super messed up. </s>
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AITA for milking my "golden grandchild" status to help my family out?
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i know about narcissistic parents and all of that, but in this case, it's my grandmother who is the narc. she is very vain, very much a big jesus fan and is cheap as hell 50% of the time.
i'm the favourite grandchild by a longshot. she doesn't like who my aunt married (the mum of my two cousins) and she also doesn't like my cousins' partners. my uncle, grandmother's son, never had children.
grandmother was completely unenthusiastic about her greatgrandaughters from cousin a (cassie) and barely enthusiastic about her greatgrandson from cousin b (laura). she hardly acknowledges any of them, makes disparaging remarks and barely seems to give a shit about any of them.
me on the other hand, she'll give me almost anything. including access to her credit card and a bank account she hardly uses. she told me i could buy whatever i wanted as long as it wasn't illegal and it didn't clear out above a certain amount every month.
recently, cassie's apartment suffered severe fire damage and laura had her son this year. she wasn't inclined to help either of them saying that the fire wasn't her fault and laura could handle her own shit.
yet she will donate to strangers and favoured family members.
so, i used that same credit card and bank account. cassie got a couple hundred dollars towards the gofundme set up for her family and replacements for some of the things the girls lost. laura got some sweet, sweet baby supplies.
grandmother found out recently though and is hopping mad that i used her money to help them. the same money she told me that i could do whatever i wanted with. she's not threatening to cut me off (yet) but she's made her displeasure with me clear. she says i should know better than to help *them*. i pointed out that she said i could do what i wanted.
aita here?
edit (faq edition):
1) why not use gift cards/give them cash/the gifts directly? we live in different countries. i had intended to go there myself on my own dime earlier this year, but the *thing* stopped ne.
2) why not use your own money? i kinda did as well. say i gave cassie $1,000. $500 of it was my money. i used grandmother's account to give them extra.
3) my relationship with grandmother? i love her, but despite everything she's done for me, she's also had her foul moods against me as well. she doesn't like it when i call her out on it, but then after she gets it out her system, it's back to being her usual self. i am also her pa of sorts. driving, appointments, bills (sometimes with my money when she refuses to pay them), pet care, etc. plus my actual job.
4) cousin's/aunt's relationship with grandmother? cordial. they send messages, pictures, call occasionally and visit when they can. she once got mad they couldn't come to visit her because they couldn't afford it at the time.
| 3,746 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ju4ulg/aita_for_milking_my_golden_grandchild_status_to/
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2020-11-14 16:43:40
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nta. don’t hate the player, hate the game.
when my grandpa gives me $$ i buy something nice for my grandma, his ex wife because he beat the shit out of her and she deserves every cent.
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this is the way.
with great power comes great responsibility.
you chose well.
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nta. get back in her good graces, then continue to help out the others. just don’t get caught in the future.
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nta and that’s amazing that you used that privilege for the better to help out your family.
i know people in that kind of position that would take advantage and just use it to better themselves.
if she makes a big display about this it’s going to make her look awful so i doubt you’ll be in the bad books with other family members, but i do reckon you will be cut off if you don’t provide something to her (like help her with groceries, housework and she needs you around).
if you’re dependant on her for financial support i’d suggest making plans!
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nta-you stuck to her rules and didn't do anything illegal or did you go over budget.
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whilst it does feel kind of icky to have done what you did, overall i'd say nta.
nta, but flip it back to her like "i understand what you're saying grandma, but i remember you talking about *some bible passage regarding charity* once and thought you meant you wanted me to donate in your honour. i'm sorry, i misunderstood. you're so generous and kind, i thought that's what you meant". something to make her at least think about how this looks to others. maybe brag subtly/slip a little prayer suggestion to her church leaders to thank the lord for such a gracious and magnanimous woman.
is this route kinda slimy and underhanded? yeah. but you can, if you play your cards right, use it to turn your grandmas attitude into a positive, and potentially open the door for further do-gooding that she ends up sanctioning out of her own narcissism.
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nta you're using your evil powers for good! keep doing it and never, ever let your grandmother know
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do not use her money to help them. use your own money, and use her money to pay your phone bill or whatever. nta.
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[removed]
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i will say a light yta. you didn't do bad by helping but you could've withdraw the money and send. she clearly doesn't want to help or look like she helps. there's probably more to that than you know. you should have known better and she doesn't need to give a reasoning for being mad.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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YTA
| 0.04134 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i know about narcissistic parents and all of that, but in this case, it's my grandmother who is the narc. she is very vain, very much a big jesus fan and is cheap as hell 50% of the time. i'm the favourite grandchild by a longshot. she doesn't like who my aunt married (the mum of my two cousins) and she also doesn't like my cousins' partners. my uncle, grandmother's son, never had children. grandmother was completely unenthusiastic about her greatgrandaughters from cousin a (cassie) and barely enthusiastic about her greatgrandson from cousin b (laura). she hardly acknowledges any of them, makes disparaging remarks and barely seems to give a shit about any of them. me on the other hand, she'll give me almost anything. including access to her credit card and a bank account she hardly uses. she told me i could buy whatever i wanted as long as it wasn't illegal and it didn't clear out above a certain amount every month. recently, cassie's apartment suffered severe fire damage and laura had her son this year. she wasn't inclined to help either of them saying that the fire wasn't her fault and laura could handle her own shit. yet she will donate to strangers and favoured family members. so, i used that same credit card and bank account. cassie got a couple hundred dollars towards the gofundme set up for her family and replacements for some of the things the girls lost. laura got some sweet, sweet baby supplies. grandmother found out recently though and is hopping mad that i used her money to help them. the same money she told me that i could do whatever i wanted with. she's not threatening to cut me off (yet) but she's made her displeasure with me clear. she says i should know better than to help *them*. i pointed out that she said i could do what i wanted. aita here? edit (faq edition): 1) why not use gift cards/give them cash/the gifts directly? we live in different countries. i had intended to go there myself on my own dime earlier this year, but the *thing* stopped ne. 2) why not use your own money? i kinda did as well. say i gave cassie $1,000. $500 of it was my money. i used grandmother's account to give them extra. 3) my relationship with grandmother? i love her, but despite everything she's done for me, she's also had her foul moods against me as well. she doesn't like it when i call her out on it, but then after she gets it out her system, it's back to being her usual self. i am also her pa of sorts. driving, appointments, bills (sometimes with my money when she refuses to pay them), pet care, etc. plus my actual job. 4) cousin's/aunt's relationship with grandmother? cordial. they send messages, pictures, call occasionally and visit when they can. she once got mad they couldn't come to visit her because they couldn't afford it at the time.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i know about narcissistic parents and all of that, but in this case, it's my grandmother who is the narc. she is very vain, very much a big jesus fan and is cheap as hell 50% of the time. i'm the favourite grandchild by a longshot. she doesn't like who my aunt married (the mum of my two cousins) and she also doesn't like my cousins' partners. my uncle, grandmother's son, never had children. grandmother was completely unenthusiastic about her greatgrandaughters from cousin a (cassie) and barely enthusiastic about her greatgrandson from cousin b (laura). she hardly acknowledges any of them, makes disparaging remarks and barely seems to give a shit about any of them. me on the other hand, she'll give me almost anything. including access to her credit card and a bank account she hardly uses. she told me i could buy whatever i wanted as long as it wasn't illegal and it didn't clear out above a certain amount every month. recently, cassie's apartment suffered severe fire damage and laura had her son this year. she wasn't inclined to help either of them saying that the fire wasn't her fault and laura could handle her own shit. yet she will donate to strangers and favoured family members. so, i used that same credit card and bank account. cassie got a couple hundred dollars towards the gofundme set up for her family and replacements for some of the things the girls lost. laura got some sweet, sweet baby supplies. grandmother found out recently though and is hopping mad that i used her money to help them. the same money she told me that i could do whatever i wanted with. she's not threatening to cut me off (yet) but she's made her displeasure with me clear. she says i should know better than to help *them*. i pointed out that she said i could do what i wanted. aita here? edit (faq edition): 1) why not use gift cards/give them cash/the gifts directly? we live in different countries. i had intended to go there myself on my own dime earlier this year, but the *thing* stopped ne. 2) why not use your own money? i kinda did as well. say i gave cassie $1,000. $500 of it was my money. i used grandmother's account to give them extra. 3) my relationship with grandmother? i love her, but despite everything she's done for me, she's also had her foul moods against me as well. she doesn't like it when i call her out on it, but then after she gets it out her system, it's back to being her usual self. i am also her pa of sorts. driving, appointments, bills (sometimes with my money when she refuses to pay them), pet care, etc. plus my actual job. 4) cousin's/aunt's relationship with grandmother? cordial. they send messages, pictures, call occasionally and visit when they can. she once got mad they couldn't come to visit her because they couldn't afford it at the time. [/INST] nta. don’t hate the player, hate the game. when my grandpa gives me $$ i buy something nice for my grandma, his ex wife because he beat the shit out of her and she deserves every cent. </s>
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AITA for disowning my maid of honor after her behavior at my wedding?
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i \[32f\] got married last month and it was almost perfect....except for my maid of honor \[28f\] "carly." for context, we've been friends 9 years, she has a domineering personality (i'm more quiet), she recently started making tons of money ($170k), and she complains when other people can't afford to go to nice places she wants.
carly and her husband eloped last year (only family was invited to the ceremony) and had a reception at a nice restaurant 6 months later. we paid $1600 on travel to be there & $300 on registry gifts because they're our best friends, even though the costs were too much for our current budget (we figured it was worth it for a once-in-a-lifetime event for our favorite people).
bachelorette party - carly kept dragging bridesmaids into political arguments and privately joked to me about how silly it was about how religious one girl is. during brunch, carly got in a huge fight with her mom over the phone (she stepped outside then came back and loudly ranted to any girl who would listen). i tried ending the conversation but carly doesn't like being told to wait to talk about something and in the past has accused me of being unsupportive when i asked if we could talk about something later.
wedding weekend: i rented a big house for all the girls & hubby rented a house for the guys but carly & her husband decided they'd rather stay in a nicer hotel nearby. morning of, carly was late for make-up and asked me if the artist could also do her hair (we were on a tight schedule). my other bridesmaids got starbucks for everyone and cooked breakfast and cleaned up the kitchen while carly walked around on her phone and interrupted the make-up artist to ask when they could start on her.
carly eventually convinced the make-up artist to do her hair, but then she was pissed about the "crooked braid" and i heard her complaining 3 different times about what a bad job they did when were busy trying to get ready in the bridal suite (she also complained to my husband later that night). lastly, we received their gift 2 weeks after the wedding: a set of nice wine glasses worth $80. we never asked for wine glasses because we have 30 already. i would've preferred a thoughtful card at that point.
now that the wedding's over, i just want to move on with my life. she's not the kind of person who accepts constructive criticism (turns into a barrage of "it didn't happen that way" or "you're wrong because x"), so i don't feel like exerting the mental energy & emotional labor required to reason with someone who'll blame me (that's how our conflicts have gone over in the past, but i'm an introvert with a few close friends so i never felt like it was worth the possibility of her nuking our friendship). i still care about her, so i feel like an asshole, but i'm also tired of being treated like crap.
| 2,622 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dyrojk/aita_for_disowning_my_maid_of_honor_after_her/
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2019-11-19 22:05:05
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nta, she sounds insufferable and exhausting to be around. i don't even understand why you're friends with her in the first place other than just length of time you've known her maybe.
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esh - let's be clear, she's a bully and probably a crappy person. her behavior sounds very selfish.
but when you constantly avoid every opportunity to call her on her crap, you basically allow it to go on. now you want to drop her because she's not worth a fight that you've already rehearsed and decided in your mind. that's a crappy way to handle conflict.
handling conflict sucks. especially when you're not naturally good at it. but when we decide to have friends, we sometimes have to have awkward, tight talks to work through problems. maybe had you done this year's ago, you would not have had this drama at your wedding.
sit down and have the tough talk with her. be clear, be nice, be firm, and give her the chance to apologize and try to make things right. at least then if she's a jerk, you know you did your part to try to fix the problem.
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nta
she is not worth the investment of your time and emotion.
cut her loose and don't look back.
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esh. carly is a snob but you really need to grow a pair. introvert or not you considered her a friend, a very close one even as you made her maid of honor. if you can't tell her no to her face write at least a message or a letter.
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nta, wow what a piece of work. she has been showing you who she really is for awhile. you deserve better from your friend. i'm so glad your other bridesmaids were great!
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esh. something is off in this post. you're not the asshole for not wanting to be friends with her because she was inconsiderate. i think getting an $80 gift that wasn't on the registry compared to your $300 gift is kind of crappy. it shouldn't be tit for tat but because she could have at least chosen something you registered. it's shitty to know you tried really hard to get her something useful that she wanted, and she didn't bother to get anything nice. her behavior overall sounds embarrassing,
however,
> that's how our conflicts have gone over in the past, but i'm an introvert with a few close friends so i never felt like it was worth the possibility of her nuking our friendship
it sounds like she's been kind of a crappy friend your entire friendship. why would you choose her as a maid of honor? i have a hard time believing she hasn't shown major red flags before this event. honestly it seems like you've been dragging this friendship out. you're the asshole to yourself for putting up with it and encouraging the friendship by picking her as the maid of honor.
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nta
***she*** was behaving like the bridezilla! if you don't completely disown her, you may at least want to step back on the level of friendship a bit.
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nta, just do what is best for you. if you really are losing sleep over it, then there is probably more you should consider. talk to some people you trust and see what they think. maybe they can settle your unease.
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nta. you don’t owe her an explanation or anything like that. it just sounds like you have grown and there just isn’t much room for her anymore. and there’s nothing. wrong with that. if a relationship is more draining than uplifting, i think you’re doing the right thing for you. also it just shows that you probably care more about her than she does of you. or else she would have acted so much differently. if you want to avoid the nuclear blowout that she would have. i wouldn’t just cut her off , just slowly stop replying to texts, don’t answer phone calls. just text and say you’re too busy and don’t try to make any future plans. and then you just move on! good luck!
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!nta
.she's basically dan aykroyd from the great outdoors. what a tool.
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NTA
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ESH
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NTA
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ESH
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NTA
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ESH
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0.139196 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i \[32f\] got married last month and it was almost perfect....except for my maid of honor \[28f\] "carly." for context, we've been friends 9 years, she has a domineering personality (i'm more quiet), she recently started making tons of money ($170k), and she complains when other people can't afford to go to nice places she wants. carly and her husband eloped last year (only family was invited to the ceremony) and had a reception at a nice restaurant 6 months later. we paid $1600 on travel to be there & $300 on registry gifts because they're our best friends, even though the costs were too much for our current budget (we figured it was worth it for a once-in-a-lifetime event for our favorite people). bachelorette party - carly kept dragging bridesmaids into political arguments and privately joked to me about how silly it was about how religious one girl is. during brunch, carly got in a huge fight with her mom over the phone (she stepped outside then came back and loudly ranted to any girl who would listen). i tried ending the conversation but carly doesn't like being told to wait to talk about something and in the past has accused me of being unsupportive when i asked if we could talk about something later. wedding weekend: i rented a big house for all the girls & hubby rented a house for the guys but carly & her husband decided they'd rather stay in a nicer hotel nearby. morning of, carly was late for make-up and asked me if the artist could also do her hair (we were on a tight schedule). my other bridesmaids got starbucks for everyone and cooked breakfast and cleaned up the kitchen while carly walked around on her phone and interrupted the make-up artist to ask when they could start on her. carly eventually convinced the make-up artist to do her hair, but then she was pissed about the "crooked braid" and i heard her complaining 3 different times about what a bad job they did when were busy trying to get ready in the bridal suite (she also complained to my husband later that night). lastly, we received their gift 2 weeks after the wedding: a set of nice wine glasses worth $80. we never asked for wine glasses because we have 30 already. i would've preferred a thoughtful card at that point. now that the wedding's over, i just want to move on with my life. she's not the kind of person who accepts constructive criticism (turns into a barrage of "it didn't happen that way" or "you're wrong because x"), so i don't feel like exerting the mental energy & emotional labor required to reason with someone who'll blame me (that's how our conflicts have gone over in the past, but i'm an introvert with a few close friends so i never felt like it was worth the possibility of her nuking our friendship). i still care about her, so i feel like an asshole, but i'm also tired of being treated like crap.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i \[32f\] got married last month and it was almost perfect....except for my maid of honor \[28f\] "carly." for context, we've been friends 9 years, she has a domineering personality (i'm more quiet), she recently started making tons of money ($170k), and she complains when other people can't afford to go to nice places she wants. carly and her husband eloped last year (only family was invited to the ceremony) and had a reception at a nice restaurant 6 months later. we paid $1600 on travel to be there & $300 on registry gifts because they're our best friends, even though the costs were too much for our current budget (we figured it was worth it for a once-in-a-lifetime event for our favorite people). bachelorette party - carly kept dragging bridesmaids into political arguments and privately joked to me about how silly it was about how religious one girl is. during brunch, carly got in a huge fight with her mom over the phone (she stepped outside then came back and loudly ranted to any girl who would listen). i tried ending the conversation but carly doesn't like being told to wait to talk about something and in the past has accused me of being unsupportive when i asked if we could talk about something later. wedding weekend: i rented a big house for all the girls & hubby rented a house for the guys but carly & her husband decided they'd rather stay in a nicer hotel nearby. morning of, carly was late for make-up and asked me if the artist could also do her hair (we were on a tight schedule). my other bridesmaids got starbucks for everyone and cooked breakfast and cleaned up the kitchen while carly walked around on her phone and interrupted the make-up artist to ask when they could start on her. carly eventually convinced the make-up artist to do her hair, but then she was pissed about the "crooked braid" and i heard her complaining 3 different times about what a bad job they did when were busy trying to get ready in the bridal suite (she also complained to my husband later that night). lastly, we received their gift 2 weeks after the wedding: a set of nice wine glasses worth $80. we never asked for wine glasses because we have 30 already. i would've preferred a thoughtful card at that point. now that the wedding's over, i just want to move on with my life. she's not the kind of person who accepts constructive criticism (turns into a barrage of "it didn't happen that way" or "you're wrong because x"), so i don't feel like exerting the mental energy & emotional labor required to reason with someone who'll blame me (that's how our conflicts have gone over in the past, but i'm an introvert with a few close friends so i never felt like it was worth the possibility of her nuking our friendship). i still care about her, so i feel like an asshole, but i'm also tired of being treated like crap. [/INST] nta, she sounds insufferable and exhausting to be around. i don't even understand why you're friends with her in the first place other than just length of time you've known her maybe. </s>
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AITA for eating my roomate's food?
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my roomate and i aren't the most well off people but i like to save a bit of cash and buy the good stuff. butter instead of margerine, fresh instead of packaged. it's like the one thing i splurge on to try and be healthy.
i asked if it was cool to have our own shelves in the fridge since we often buy similar things and it's easy to forget who's is who's. also because he used this as a frequent excuse as to why he ate my things. (he will eventually replace it but it's always the unhealthy cheap version, not what i actually bought. he agreed.
he keeps putting his stuff on my shelf, and then eating my food saying he "forgot" and that he thought it was his. i reminded him multiple times mentioning "hey man, i'm not rich, i can't feed us both :p " he laughs and agrees.
so the other day a bunch of my stuff was missing again and a bunch of his stuff was on my shelf (probably a prepped setup for the "oh i mistaken the items since it's all mixed!" excuse) .
instead of bringing it up i just ate the things he put on my shelf. and he got really upset saying he can't afford that.
i feel bad now, but at the time it felt justified. to be clear i'm not against sharing my stuff, but to be *asked* would be nice. plus i like my own space to be able to see what i still have / what i need etc. i don't know if i'm overreacting because it's just a shelf, but i'm a broke student and it seems like a good way to keep track of my stuff.
am i the asshole?
| 284 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ftzajd/aita_for_eating_my_roomates_food/
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2020-04-03 01:48:37
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nta. play stupid games, win stupid prizes. maybe he’ll stop with the stupid, transparent excuses now.
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nta. why is it fine for him to eat your food, but the second the shoes on the other foot he packs a sad? this will hopefully teach him some boundaries!
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nta.
you did exactly what he does to you, he never actually replaces the items (buying someone something crappier than what they owned is not replacing it) and is benefitting from "forgetting" the organization rule all the time.
so, this time you did it too.
were you actually an asshole? well... yeah. but you needed to be because talking to him hasn't solved the problem and he is taking advantange of you. if this is what you did from the start, i'd say you all suck, but he knows wtf he is doing.
so overall, morally, nta!
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this story made me laugh for some reason, i mean, he put it on your shelf. he’s technically donating food to you. like, how hard is it to just not put things in your space? his fault, not yours.
nta
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nta. you’ve clearly laid out some roommate rules which is totally acceptable and it sounds like you’ve made it pretty easy for him to recognize yours versus his but he’s just being lazy about it. maybe consider buying some plastic tupperware and label them? that will definitely help separate
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you are not the asshole. sometimes people need a taste of their own medicine to realize what assholes they are being.
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nta. but heads up, your roommate didn't forget, he just doesn't care. without consequences he'll keep doing it.
get some cheap plastic bins with lids to put your stuff in the fridge with your name on it, if he takes it from there he can't deny that he's stealing your food. making deniability more difficult may curb his behavior.
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nta considering the double standards.
some ways to remedy the situation:
buy yourself a fridge and keep it in your bedroom.
get a label maker and stick it on the shelves (ops name and roommates name).
make it a habit to lick all of your food in front of the roommate to publicly mark your territory. or sandwich it in your armpits, or rub it on your butt. keep the crazy train going lol
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you should check on amazon for some storage bins for organization your refrigerator they’re not that expensive. i bought some with my old roommate because she’d do the same thing opps i didn’t realize that was yours. when she’d eat my stuff. so when i put my stuff in bins on the shelf’s she had no excuse to eat my stuff.
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nta. use this to communicate that how he's feeling is exactly how you feel whenever he eats your food. if he keeps eating yours, you'll eat his. or he can respect the boundary of only eating his own food and leaving your food alone. and as soon as the lease is up, ditch him as a roommate because he sucks. he knows exactly what food is his. he's just being a selfish asshole.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my roomate and i aren't the most well off people but i like to save a bit of cash and buy the good stuff. butter instead of margerine, fresh instead of packaged. it's like the one thing i splurge on to try and be healthy. i asked if it was cool to have our own shelves in the fridge since we often buy similar things and it's easy to forget who's is who's. also because he used this as a frequent excuse as to why he ate my things. (he will eventually replace it but it's always the unhealthy cheap version, not what i actually bought. he agreed. he keeps putting his stuff on my shelf, and then eating my food saying he "forgot" and that he thought it was his. i reminded him multiple times mentioning "hey man, i'm not rich, i can't feed us both :p " he laughs and agrees. so the other day a bunch of my stuff was missing again and a bunch of his stuff was on my shelf (probably a prepped setup for the "oh i mistaken the items since it's all mixed!" excuse) . instead of bringing it up i just ate the things he put on my shelf. and he got really upset saying he can't afford that. i feel bad now, but at the time it felt justified. to be clear i'm not against sharing my stuff, but to be *asked* would be nice. plus i like my own space to be able to see what i still have / what i need etc. i don't know if i'm overreacting because it's just a shelf, but i'm a broke student and it seems like a good way to keep track of my stuff. am i the asshole?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
my roomate and i aren't the most well off people but i like to save a bit of cash and buy the good stuff. butter instead of margerine, fresh instead of packaged. it's like the one thing i splurge on to try and be healthy. i asked if it was cool to have our own shelves in the fridge since we often buy similar things and it's easy to forget who's is who's. also because he used this as a frequent excuse as to why he ate my things. (he will eventually replace it but it's always the unhealthy cheap version, not what i actually bought. he agreed. he keeps putting his stuff on my shelf, and then eating my food saying he "forgot" and that he thought it was his. i reminded him multiple times mentioning "hey man, i'm not rich, i can't feed us both :p " he laughs and agrees. so the other day a bunch of my stuff was missing again and a bunch of his stuff was on my shelf (probably a prepped setup for the "oh i mistaken the items since it's all mixed!" excuse) . instead of bringing it up i just ate the things he put on my shelf. and he got really upset saying he can't afford that. i feel bad now, but at the time it felt justified. to be clear i'm not against sharing my stuff, but to be *asked* would be nice. plus i like my own space to be able to see what i still have / what i need etc. i don't know if i'm overreacting because it's just a shelf, but i'm a broke student and it seems like a good way to keep track of my stuff. am i the asshole? [/INST] nta. play stupid games, win stupid prizes. maybe he’ll stop with the stupid, transparent excuses now. </s>
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AITA for treating my children "differently"?
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my wife died a few years ago, leaving me to fend for my daughter and son, who are twins, and it was hard, but now we are stable financially, and this has caused my son and daughter to be eachothers best friends i guess. i wasn't there for them when they were younger, since i had to put a few jobs in, but now we are better so i have been trying to get to know them better.
they (17 f & 17m) both have the same friend group, same school, same extra activities, and hang out together too.
that being said, they tell eachother eveything. if i had to find out something about one of them, i just have to ask the other.
it's creepy sometimes.
anyway, recently i've taken my son fishing, even signed him up for soccer etc.
not my daughter, i thought she wouldn't want to go. but my she asked why i'm not taking her and i told her that i have just been wanting to make up for some lost time with my son. she said then i should take her too, and that if he gets to have soccer why can't she do some archery or something.
i said i knew she wouldn't like it, so i didn't bother to ask. anyway she let it go and let me and my son go spend some time together.
then a few days ago we hung out again and my daughter confided when i came back and she wants to learn fencing after the whole pandemic.
she used the argument that fencing has many good benefits and it's totally safe. i told her that it's going to be a waste of time, and that there's no point in doing it and to concentrate on her swimming. we have a pool.
note- the twins both do swimming and skating, but my son has been doing soccer. social distancing of course and only in a small course. since they can't go swimming outside, they've taken to practicing in the pool.
she kept arguing saying that if her brother gets to do soccer why can't she do somehting of her liking. again it turned into a fight and she accused me of liking my son better. i love them both, but she won't like doing the things me and my son do.
i told her she isn't entitled to learn any of this. again she told me that i'm being bias here and my son found out and they were both mad at me, but then i agreed to do it, because my son did put in a fine argument for his sister.
and then:
my daughter wasn't happy and told me that i only did it to please her brother. it's not my fault my son can put up a nice argument, and she told me that her brother used the same argument as her and "i'm bias and sexist and should have gave her away to someone else because it's obvious i have a dream kid already." maybe my son did say the same things she said but it's easier to agree when it's not a big fight. they are both good academicly, physically , and socially, and i think she's being a little overboard because i have nothing to complain about besides my daughters attitude here.
they're both still mad at me.
aita?
| 446 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hovl0c/aita_for_treating_my_children_differently/
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2020-07-10 19:36:19
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yta. your post has made it absolutely clear you favor your son. why is he the only one you need to make up lost time with but not your daughter? why can’t she take part in a sport of her choosing but your son can? you couldn’t show him anymore favoritism if you tried it’s so blatant. it’s going to make her resent the hell out of you, especially assuming what she does or doesn’t like without asking her.
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yta.
come on, man.
> i love them both, but she won't like doing the things me and my son do.
she's *telling you* that she likes those things. and you *are* treating your son better than your daughter.
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yta.
why are you reaching out to do extra things for your son, and not your daughter? why are you buying his argument that he'll like soccer, but not her argument that she'll like archery? why would her being an archer be a waste of time?
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> , i thought she wouldn't want to go
so you didn't even ask you just assumed.
> i have just been wanting to make up for some lost time with my son.
what have you been doing to make up for lost time with her?
> i told her that it's going to be a waste of time, and that there's no point in doing it and to concentrate on her swimming
great support there, she could have gone to test it out but you just knocked her down.
> because my son did put in a fine argument for his sister.
what could he have possibly said to sway you?
> maybe my son did say the same things she said but it's easier to agree when it's not a big fight
of course you are the asshole, god forbid your daughter is bothered by your lack of interest in her and her likes.
yta.
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yta. why are you not letting her do extracurricular activities too? taking your son out to do new things and then not your daughter, and expecting her to be complacent is delusional and poor parenting.
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yta.
i'm sorry for your loss and i'm sure you feel you're doing the best you can, but you're letting your son do something new and exciting, and actively supporting him to do so. she basically told you she wanted to be included which you didn't take her up on. she then was remarkably constructive and actually suggested a new, different hobby that she would like to take up, that wouldn't disturb "your" time with your son which you apparently value quite a bit.
and you say no? why on earth would you let him do something new and exciting, but not her. why is fencing a waste of time, but not soccer. come on.
you *are* absolutely favouring your son, whether you're doing so consciously and intentionally or not. please try to do better.
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dude yta. let your daughter do some stuff she likes. it is clear you favorite your son and are excluding your daughter. best thing you can do is apologize and take her with you guys on trips if she wants to go. or let her do fencing.
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yta, you're not listening to your kids and favoriting your son. kids aren't dumb, she's probably going to cut contact with you eventually over this
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yta
what lost time with your son? why are you wanting to make sure to spend more time with him but not worried about time with her?
planning lots of extra time with your son and shutting your daughter out of it while also shutting down her other attempts to spend time seems pretty inexplicable. wtf?
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yta you do sound biased. she doesn't like what your son likes? ok, then let her do things she *does* like instead of letting your son do soccer and not letting your daughter to fencing. both of them liking different things is not a valid reason to only appeal to one child.
saying it's a waste of time is not an argument when you already do things that are arguably a waste of time on your son. you very obviously favor the son and her attitude is a result of your favoritism. of course both of them are mad at you, you are biased and you are treating them differently.
and not asking is a dick move. instead of assuming and deciding her mind for her, just ask???
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my wife died a few years ago, leaving me to fend for my daughter and son, who are twins, and it was hard, but now we are stable financially, and this has caused my son and daughter to be eachothers best friends i guess. i wasn't there for them when they were younger, since i had to put a few jobs in, but now we are better so i have been trying to get to know them better. they (17 f & 17m) both have the same friend group, same school, same extra activities, and hang out together too. that being said, they tell eachother eveything. if i had to find out something about one of them, i just have to ask the other. it's creepy sometimes. anyway, recently i've taken my son fishing, even signed him up for soccer etc. not my daughter, i thought she wouldn't want to go. but my she asked why i'm not taking her and i told her that i have just been wanting to make up for some lost time with my son. she said then i should take her too, and that if he gets to have soccer why can't she do some archery or something. i said i knew she wouldn't like it, so i didn't bother to ask. anyway she let it go and let me and my son go spend some time together. then a few days ago we hung out again and my daughter confided when i came back and she wants to learn fencing after the whole pandemic. she used the argument that fencing has many good benefits and it's totally safe. i told her that it's going to be a waste of time, and that there's no point in doing it and to concentrate on her swimming. we have a pool. note- the twins both do swimming and skating, but my son has been doing soccer. social distancing of course and only in a small course. since they can't go swimming outside, they've taken to practicing in the pool. she kept arguing saying that if her brother gets to do soccer why can't she do somehting of her liking. again it turned into a fight and she accused me of liking my son better. i love them both, but she won't like doing the things me and my son do. i told her she isn't entitled to learn any of this. again she told me that i'm being bias here and my son found out and they were both mad at me, but then i agreed to do it, because my son did put in a fine argument for his sister. and then: my daughter wasn't happy and told me that i only did it to please her brother. it's not my fault my son can put up a nice argument, and she told me that her brother used the same argument as her and "i'm bias and sexist and should have gave her away to someone else because it's obvious i have a dream kid already." maybe my son did say the same things she said but it's easier to agree when it's not a big fight. they are both good academicly, physically , and socially, and i think she's being a little overboard because i have nothing to complain about besides my daughters attitude here. they're both still mad at me. aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
my wife died a few years ago, leaving me to fend for my daughter and son, who are twins, and it was hard, but now we are stable financially, and this has caused my son and daughter to be eachothers best friends i guess. i wasn't there for them when they were younger, since i had to put a few jobs in, but now we are better so i have been trying to get to know them better. they (17 f & 17m) both have the same friend group, same school, same extra activities, and hang out together too. that being said, they tell eachother eveything. if i had to find out something about one of them, i just have to ask the other. it's creepy sometimes. anyway, recently i've taken my son fishing, even signed him up for soccer etc. not my daughter, i thought she wouldn't want to go. but my she asked why i'm not taking her and i told her that i have just been wanting to make up for some lost time with my son. she said then i should take her too, and that if he gets to have soccer why can't she do some archery or something. i said i knew she wouldn't like it, so i didn't bother to ask. anyway she let it go and let me and my son go spend some time together. then a few days ago we hung out again and my daughter confided when i came back and she wants to learn fencing after the whole pandemic. she used the argument that fencing has many good benefits and it's totally safe. i told her that it's going to be a waste of time, and that there's no point in doing it and to concentrate on her swimming. we have a pool. note- the twins both do swimming and skating, but my son has been doing soccer. social distancing of course and only in a small course. since they can't go swimming outside, they've taken to practicing in the pool. she kept arguing saying that if her brother gets to do soccer why can't she do somehting of her liking. again it turned into a fight and she accused me of liking my son better. i love them both, but she won't like doing the things me and my son do. i told her she isn't entitled to learn any of this. again she told me that i'm being bias here and my son found out and they were both mad at me, but then i agreed to do it, because my son did put in a fine argument for his sister. and then: my daughter wasn't happy and told me that i only did it to please her brother. it's not my fault my son can put up a nice argument, and she told me that her brother used the same argument as her and "i'm bias and sexist and should have gave her away to someone else because it's obvious i have a dream kid already." maybe my son did say the same things she said but it's easier to agree when it's not a big fight. they are both good academicly, physically , and socially, and i think she's being a little overboard because i have nothing to complain about besides my daughters attitude here. they're both still mad at me. aita? [/INST] yta. your post has made it absolutely clear you favor your son. why is he the only one you need to make up lost time with but not your daughter? why can’t she take part in a sport of her choosing but your son can? you couldn’t show him anymore favoritism if you tried it’s so blatant. it’s going to make her resent the hell out of you, especially assuming what she does or doesn’t like without asking her. </s>
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AITA for keeping gifts from my ex boyfriends
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i recently got into a spat with my current boyfriend over this topic.
it started because he wanted to know where i got my tony chopper plushy from as he wanted to buy one for his sister and i told him that i didn't know because it was a gift from my high school boyfriend. he got kinda bummed out and asked me if i had any other stuff from exes and i was honest. a few books, a chanel parfumé and some of my earring (not that expensive stuff). we then got in an argument about keeping things from exes. he belives that once the relationship is over you shouldn't keep anything from them because that means that you moved on. my stance is.... that they are objects that i like and throwing them away /gifting them is unnecessary. i don't connect those things to my exes and i don't think about them when i use them. maybe this comes from the pov that his relationships ended badly where as mine just didn't. my high school bf and i broke up because we were just stupid kids and the other 2 and i noticed we were not going in the same directions so we had a clean cut and are on good terms. we don't talk or anything but if we ever run arround the same circle we can be cordial. his ex cheated on him and the ex before ghosted him so maybe that is that?
so aita for keeping things from my ex boyfriends?
edit : guys thanks for your input.... but i don't understand why you are interpreting more to this story? this is really just a spat... a little disagreement we have. it's not relationship breaking... we are not mad at each other or anything. he is not a manipulative controlling asshole that i should dump. he is insecure yes... and i am going to talk to him about this.. yes... but damn... y'all need to chill out.
thanks for most of the comments that were insightful
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/fsxc6g/aita_for_keeping_gifts_from_my_ex_boyfriends/
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2020-04-01 10:33:39
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nta, certainly not over the sort of things that you’re describing. i have things i’ve been gifted by exes that i chose to get rid of because they were deeply personal and it felt inappropriate to keep them but what you’re describing is pretty normal gift items. how long ago did you split up with your high school bf out of interest
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nta. your bf is either being manipulative or is just insecure, either way you are not doing anything wrong at all. i could understand his point if it was about something like a sex toy but books & earrings???
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nta. they were gifts and they’re yours now. enjoy them!
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nta
using your boyfriend's logic, there's a whole lot of stuff i would need to get rid of that my exhusband gave to me or that we bought together. i did get rid of the stuff that he gave to me that i never really liked but kept and used because i didn't want to hurt his feelings, lol.
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[deleted]
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nta, but this exact scenario was an episode of how i met your mother lol
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nta. based on your comments, i feel a tiny bit sympathetic for him instead of immediately suspicious (!), but he does still sound insecure. he has to realize that, yes, you’ve had previous partners before and that history doesn’t go away just because he’s in the picture now—in fact all of your past, for better and worse, is what’s lead you to be with him at this moment. (and besides, if you really wanted to be with someone else instead of him...you probably would be!)
the gifts you mentioned aren’t super sentimental, and they aren’t anything sex-related, so why throw out things you enjoy having? and at what point do you stop cutting out things you might associate with exes? when you stop listening to music or watching shows they might have introduced you to? stopped going to places you might have gone to together?
(i’m also going to go out on a limb and assume that if he replaced those things himself, you wouldn’t necessarily enjoy them any more just because they came from him...)
have another chat with him. he is allowed to have his anxieties as we all do, but it’s not really fair to make you responsible for managing them when they aren’t really based in reality.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i recently got into a spat with my current boyfriend over this topic. it started because he wanted to know where i got my tony chopper plushy from as he wanted to buy one for his sister and i told him that i didn't know because it was a gift from my high school boyfriend. he got kinda bummed out and asked me if i had any other stuff from exes and i was honest. a few books, a chanel parfumé and some of my earring (not that expensive stuff). we then got in an argument about keeping things from exes. he belives that once the relationship is over you shouldn't keep anything from them because that means that you moved on. my stance is.... that they are objects that i like and throwing them away /gifting them is unnecessary. i don't connect those things to my exes and i don't think about them when i use them. maybe this comes from the pov that his relationships ended badly where as mine just didn't. my high school bf and i broke up because we were just stupid kids and the other 2 and i noticed we were not going in the same directions so we had a clean cut and are on good terms. we don't talk or anything but if we ever run arround the same circle we can be cordial. his ex cheated on him and the ex before ghosted him so maybe that is that? so aita for keeping things from my ex boyfriends? edit : guys thanks for your input.... but i don't understand why you are interpreting more to this story? this is really just a spat... a little disagreement we have. it's not relationship breaking... we are not mad at each other or anything. he is not a manipulative controlling asshole that i should dump. he is insecure yes... and i am going to talk to him about this.. yes... but damn... y'all need to chill out. thanks for most of the comments that were insightful
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i recently got into a spat with my current boyfriend over this topic. it started because he wanted to know where i got my tony chopper plushy from as he wanted to buy one for his sister and i told him that i didn't know because it was a gift from my high school boyfriend. he got kinda bummed out and asked me if i had any other stuff from exes and i was honest. a few books, a chanel parfumé and some of my earring (not that expensive stuff). we then got in an argument about keeping things from exes. he belives that once the relationship is over you shouldn't keep anything from them because that means that you moved on. my stance is.... that they are objects that i like and throwing them away /gifting them is unnecessary. i don't connect those things to my exes and i don't think about them when i use them. maybe this comes from the pov that his relationships ended badly where as mine just didn't. my high school bf and i broke up because we were just stupid kids and the other 2 and i noticed we were not going in the same directions so we had a clean cut and are on good terms. we don't talk or anything but if we ever run arround the same circle we can be cordial. his ex cheated on him and the ex before ghosted him so maybe that is that? so aita for keeping things from my ex boyfriends? edit : guys thanks for your input.... but i don't understand why you are interpreting more to this story? this is really just a spat... a little disagreement we have. it's not relationship breaking... we are not mad at each other or anything. he is not a manipulative controlling asshole that i should dump. he is insecure yes... and i am going to talk to him about this.. yes... but damn... y'all need to chill out. thanks for most of the comments that were insightful [/INST] nta, certainly not over the sort of things that you’re describing. i have things i’ve been gifted by exes that i chose to get rid of because they were deeply personal and it felt inappropriate to keep them but what you’re describing is pretty normal gift items. how long ago did you split up with your high school bf out of interest </s>
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AITA for telling my living mother she’s dead to me?
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there’s a lot to this story but i will try my best to keep it concise. if there are further details needed, let me know in the comments.
mine (27f) and my mother’s (62f) relationship has been difficult for about 13 years due to many reasons. recently, i let her come to a bridal gown appt where everyone there- including myself and her- loved a certain dress i picked out. later, she stated it was awful and “showed cellulite on my ass” (i am sporty and a uk 10-12 but have suffered like many women with my body image and trying to convince myself that i am not crazily obese when i look in the mirror). this started a feud between her and i where i tried to make her accountable for the hurtful comment (she made it again about the bridal dress i actually ended up buying on a later occasion) which led to her denying she made the comment at all and that it’s not her fault for the way i have misinterpreted her words (the comment above is a direct quote). a few weeks later, she wrote ridiculously long messages over the span of an hour identifying every single time over the past 3 years where i have accordingly “wronged” her- many of these times it was my retaliation to something she had said or done. due to my lack of sincerity to her response, she is now trying to claim i stole her wedding ring which she had gifted me months prior to all this. i told her i would return it when i had the chance (i work full time and have a busy social life this time of year due to it being almost christmas). this was not good enough and she told my brother she will be ringing the police to have me arrested at my workplace for theft and elderly abuse. i ended up messaging her stating how her plan would have failed as i had begun my holidays the day prior to her plan and how this whole stunt of police involvement was low even for her. i then went on to say how she is simply a life giver and not a mother to me and i’m happily ready to live my life like she is already dead.
am i the asshole?
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zgo56x/aita_for_telling_my_living_mother_shes_dead_to_me/
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2022-12-09 05:35:47
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nta. she's a gas lighter and all gifts come with strings. cutting her out of your life will save loads of drama. if you have any screenshots, save them and send them to the inevitable people who cry "but family!!!"
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if you are prepared to follow through, nta. these are not words that you throw around to get a reaction. but if you legitimately are ready to move on with your life and leave this toxicity behind, what you said sounds like a reasonable, factual statement and needed to be said.
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nta. it is not okay for her to try to manipulate you or involve the police in an attempt to get what she wants.
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nta. she's trying to be manipulative and you aren't letting her.
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nta!!
you have a toxic mother. don't let anyone tell you, to put up with her abuse just because she's your mother. that's b.s. blood does not make you family. please go on, save your mental health and be happy living your life without this toxic person in your life.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: there’s a lot to this story but i will try my best to keep it concise. if there are further details needed, let me know in the comments. mine (27f) and my mother’s (62f) relationship has been difficult for about 13 years due to many reasons. recently, i let her come to a bridal gown appt where everyone there- including myself and her- loved a certain dress i picked out. later, she stated it was awful and “showed cellulite on my ass” (i am sporty and a uk 10-12 but have suffered like many women with my body image and trying to convince myself that i am not crazily obese when i look in the mirror). this started a feud between her and i where i tried to make her accountable for the hurtful comment (she made it again about the bridal dress i actually ended up buying on a later occasion) which led to her denying she made the comment at all and that it’s not her fault for the way i have misinterpreted her words (the comment above is a direct quote). a few weeks later, she wrote ridiculously long messages over the span of an hour identifying every single time over the past 3 years where i have accordingly “wronged” her- many of these times it was my retaliation to something she had said or done. due to my lack of sincerity to her response, she is now trying to claim i stole her wedding ring which she had gifted me months prior to all this. i told her i would return it when i had the chance (i work full time and have a busy social life this time of year due to it being almost christmas). this was not good enough and she told my brother she will be ringing the police to have me arrested at my workplace for theft and elderly abuse. i ended up messaging her stating how her plan would have failed as i had begun my holidays the day prior to her plan and how this whole stunt of police involvement was low even for her. i then went on to say how she is simply a life giver and not a mother to me and i’m happily ready to live my life like she is already dead. am i the asshole?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
there’s a lot to this story but i will try my best to keep it concise. if there are further details needed, let me know in the comments. mine (27f) and my mother’s (62f) relationship has been difficult for about 13 years due to many reasons. recently, i let her come to a bridal gown appt where everyone there- including myself and her- loved a certain dress i picked out. later, she stated it was awful and “showed cellulite on my ass” (i am sporty and a uk 10-12 but have suffered like many women with my body image and trying to convince myself that i am not crazily obese when i look in the mirror). this started a feud between her and i where i tried to make her accountable for the hurtful comment (she made it again about the bridal dress i actually ended up buying on a later occasion) which led to her denying she made the comment at all and that it’s not her fault for the way i have misinterpreted her words (the comment above is a direct quote). a few weeks later, she wrote ridiculously long messages over the span of an hour identifying every single time over the past 3 years where i have accordingly “wronged” her- many of these times it was my retaliation to something she had said or done. due to my lack of sincerity to her response, she is now trying to claim i stole her wedding ring which she had gifted me months prior to all this. i told her i would return it when i had the chance (i work full time and have a busy social life this time of year due to it being almost christmas). this was not good enough and she told my brother she will be ringing the police to have me arrested at my workplace for theft and elderly abuse. i ended up messaging her stating how her plan would have failed as i had begun my holidays the day prior to her plan and how this whole stunt of police involvement was low even for her. i then went on to say how she is simply a life giver and not a mother to me and i’m happily ready to live my life like she is already dead. am i the asshole? [/INST] nta. she's a gas lighter and all gifts come with strings. cutting her out of your life will save loads of drama. if you have any screenshots, save them and send them to the inevitable people who cry "but family!!!" </s>
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WIBTA for boycotting a child’s first birthday?
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this is my first ever post on reddit so please bare with me here. a little backstory: i (32f) and my husband john (32m) have been married for 2.5 years. he has a long standing family run business in partnership with another friend of ours called pete (33m). pete and john’s fathers started the business together and the families are very close. pete and i have also known each other since middle school and i was the one who introduced pete to his wife cheryl and now we are all part of the same social group. john and pete have been like brothers; however, cheryl and i don’t really get along but we do what’s socially needed so the business is never affected.
a few nights ago while i was out with pete, cheryl and a few other friends (my husband was away on business), pete called me out in front of everyone and tells me that whilst everyone on the table will be invited to his daughter’s first birthday party, he’s not going to invite me as i have not had a child yet.
i was extremely taken aback because i felt like i was being publicly shamed for not having a child. they also regularly make plans with our friends with kids but always exclude us. to add to that, pete’s mom keeps taunting my mil that she’s missing out as she is not a grandmother which puts more pressure on me and my husband.
things have changed and now i and my family have all been invited to the 1st birthday party. i absolutely refuse to go. my husband is in support of me but the greater family worries it’s a petty move and will create a rift in the family and business relationship. thoughts, reddit community?
| 320 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pvaf33/wibta_for_boycotting_a_childs_first_birthday/
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2021-09-25 16:38:53
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nta. cheryl and pete are shitty friends. also who tf publicly calls out a person that they arent invited to a party, shitty friends that's who. also they did publicly shame you for not having a child
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nta
it's fine to politely decline the invitation at a party where the host didn't want to do invite you.
but i'm left wondering what changed so that they invited you?
also, if you end up attending, i highly recommend giving the most noisy, annoying, gift that you can find... something the child will love but the parents will hate. for instance, a firetruck with loud alarms and lights or a stuffed bear that sings the same song over and over or a toy electric piano.
as the child gets older, messy craft supplies (finger paint and glitter) are also great revenge gifts.
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nta pete has a big mouth, probably egged on by cheryl. who knows what he'll say at the actual party. also, if the business relationship ends, so be it. his big mouth might get you in trouble with a childless customer.
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nta
with friends and business partners like these, who needs enemies. maybe time to strike out on your own business wise and friend wise.
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nta - they are perfectly entitled to make plans with other friends with kids and exclude you. that just makes sense sometimes.
however where he became ta was by calling you out and shaming you for not having kids. that's just shitty and he needs to keep his mouth shut about it in the future.
i wouldn't go to the party after his behavior either.
if you want to make them all feel really bad about their behavior (which they should already) you can just pretend to break down next time they make fun of you for not having kids and say it's a medical thing and them berating you about it hurts so much. that would shut them up.
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nta
so they changed their minds? great. did they apologize for their public shaming thing? did they apologize to mil? did they curb the part, where they exclude you?
odds are, they´ll shame you even more at the event. and maybe pete should think next time before opening his big mouth because if anything has damaged relationships...it´s that.
tell the family: i am not putting a target on my back. i don´t feel emotionally safe considering they already publicly shamed me once. i am not a doormat, i have self-respect and until i and mil have received apologies for the taunts and the bullying, i don´t see how i should mend a relationship they broke. but point out, that once they´ve apologized and have proven themselves to be better people, you are more than willing to re-engage. and no... it´s not you that´s creating a rift, the rift got created by pete and co. they created it, they fix the situation.
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i would not go, and i also would not lift a finger to choose or wrap a gift. if your husband wants to go for business reasons he can handle it.
i'd also start backing away slowly from this whole enmeshed shitshow. if your h is in business with them he can deal with all the social crap that comes along with it alone. you don't work there.
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nta, sod ‘em. why would you go after that.
i agree with another comment, get the most annoying gift you can find. plus fine glitter is better than normal glitter, it is a nightmare to hoover up.
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nta.
they’re clearly bullying you over lacking in a child. there’s no need to do that unless they’re doing something specifically for the kids. but given their daughter is turning 1, i doubt that’s the case. they just want to act like superior ahs because they’re parents. whether you and your husband want to have kids doesn’t matter. their actions of trying to ostracize you from your friend group over it is stupid and any reaction you are having to it is a consequence of their actions against the “family” business. your husband thinks it might be rude to not go? how rude was it to go “haha you don’t have a kid so you can’t come to this social event to celebrate the year our child has been alive”? even if they’ve changed their mind now, they did it in the first place already and should sit with the consequences of that.
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>things have changed and now i and my family have all been invited to the 1st birthday party
info
what changed that he would go back on his highly public choice to not invite you in the first place?
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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INFO
| 0.00388 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: this is my first ever post on reddit so please bare with me here. a little backstory: i (32f) and my husband john (32m) have been married for 2.5 years. he has a long standing family run business in partnership with another friend of ours called pete (33m). pete and john’s fathers started the business together and the families are very close. pete and i have also known each other since middle school and i was the one who introduced pete to his wife cheryl and now we are all part of the same social group. john and pete have been like brothers; however, cheryl and i don’t really get along but we do what’s socially needed so the business is never affected. a few nights ago while i was out with pete, cheryl and a few other friends (my husband was away on business), pete called me out in front of everyone and tells me that whilst everyone on the table will be invited to his daughter’s first birthday party, he’s not going to invite me as i have not had a child yet. i was extremely taken aback because i felt like i was being publicly shamed for not having a child. they also regularly make plans with our friends with kids but always exclude us. to add to that, pete’s mom keeps taunting my mil that she’s missing out as she is not a grandmother which puts more pressure on me and my husband. things have changed and now i and my family have all been invited to the 1st birthday party. i absolutely refuse to go. my husband is in support of me but the greater family worries it’s a petty move and will create a rift in the family and business relationship. thoughts, reddit community?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
this is my first ever post on reddit so please bare with me here. a little backstory: i (32f) and my husband john (32m) have been married for 2.5 years. he has a long standing family run business in partnership with another friend of ours called pete (33m). pete and john’s fathers started the business together and the families are very close. pete and i have also known each other since middle school and i was the one who introduced pete to his wife cheryl and now we are all part of the same social group. john and pete have been like brothers; however, cheryl and i don’t really get along but we do what’s socially needed so the business is never affected. a few nights ago while i was out with pete, cheryl and a few other friends (my husband was away on business), pete called me out in front of everyone and tells me that whilst everyone on the table will be invited to his daughter’s first birthday party, he’s not going to invite me as i have not had a child yet. i was extremely taken aback because i felt like i was being publicly shamed for not having a child. they also regularly make plans with our friends with kids but always exclude us. to add to that, pete’s mom keeps taunting my mil that she’s missing out as she is not a grandmother which puts more pressure on me and my husband. things have changed and now i and my family have all been invited to the 1st birthday party. i absolutely refuse to go. my husband is in support of me but the greater family worries it’s a petty move and will create a rift in the family and business relationship. thoughts, reddit community? [/INST] nta. cheryl and pete are shitty friends. also who tf publicly calls out a person that they arent invited to a party, shitty friends that's who. also they did publicly shame you for not having a child </s>
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AITA For refusing to take my brother with me to the cemetery?
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my mom passed away two years ago, and i moved in with my dad. him and his new wife have a whole bunch of wild kids. my dad is a pretty decent guy and managed to wrangle me having my own room, but my step mom isn't too happy about it (their girls are crammed five into one room, instead of having three of us on each) but dad put his foot down and said i needed my space.
my parents were friends, and he was really my sperm donor. he never really acted as my dad, and i only started calling him it once i moved in here. he took custody because he knows how shitty the system is.
anyway, my mother is buried in the cemetery about a forty five minute walk from the house. i visit her a lot (a few times a week) and one of my brothers (11) is obsessed with the cemetery.
i hate taking him, though, because he's incredibly disrespectful. my mom was pretty spiritual, and we have to treat the deceased with as much respect as you'd treat them with it they were alive, and he likes playing on the graves.
my step mom insists i take him because he needs to get out of the house etc. i refuse and leave without him, but my stepmom is getting increasingly angry with me. even my dad is stepping in and saying i need to start taking him and helping out with the kids.
it turned into a huge fight, at which point i said somethings along the lines of "you don't even love me, i'm just here because you feel bad, they aren't my siblings so i shouldn't have to take responsibility for them," etc. i understand that what i said isn't necessarily true, but they aren't my family, really. i just kind of live here.
aita? for what i said and for refusing to take my sort of brother to the cemetery with me.
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/l6a4gg/aita_for_refusing_to_take_my_brother_with_me_to/
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2021-01-27 17:46:09
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nta-it’s not your responsibility to be a third parent or a babysitter for a child old enough to understand that a cemetery is not a playground and should not be treated as such.
i’m sorry for your loss.
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nta but i would keep stressing you would take him if he’d be respectful and as his parents it is their job to teach him respect, not yours. if they teach him respect you’ll take him.
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nta-going to the cemetery isn't an outing for you, it's something personal. taking a rowdy 11-year old is not your job. it is his parents' job to make sure all the kids get out and get fresh air and exercise, not yours. i would suggest either going early or late so you can be on your own. i'm so sorry for your mum's loss.
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nta. your brother getting out of the house is not more important than you getting your alone time and time to mourn. would it be good for the overall family dynamics if you helped out a bit at the house and with their kids? sure it would, and i do recommend that you help them out a bit if you feel comfortable.
but that doesn't mean you -owe- them babysitting. it's kind of them to take you in but when they chose to do that, they chose to raise you, not to use you as a babysitter for their kids.
(i'm guessing you're a minor, i don't see you mentioning your age).
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nta although i think it’s messed they stuffed five children in one room
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info: how old are you and your dads kids? can you all not move into a bigger house (3 to a room is bad, 5 to a room is insane, at least where i’m from)? could you not move in with another relative? this whole situation sucks tbh. i’m leaning towards n t a/n a h.
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nta at all.
>my mom was pretty spiritual, and we have to treat the deceased with as much respect as you'd treat them with it they were alive
i'm sorry for your loss, and your mom's right. your brother needs to learn respect.
| null | null | null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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INFO
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NTA
| null | null | null | 0.007141 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my mom passed away two years ago, and i moved in with my dad. him and his new wife have a whole bunch of wild kids. my dad is a pretty decent guy and managed to wrangle me having my own room, but my step mom isn't too happy about it (their girls are crammed five into one room, instead of having three of us on each) but dad put his foot down and said i needed my space. my parents were friends, and he was really my sperm donor. he never really acted as my dad, and i only started calling him it once i moved in here. he took custody because he knows how shitty the system is. anyway, my mother is buried in the cemetery about a forty five minute walk from the house. i visit her a lot (a few times a week) and one of my brothers (11) is obsessed with the cemetery. i hate taking him, though, because he's incredibly disrespectful. my mom was pretty spiritual, and we have to treat the deceased with as much respect as you'd treat them with it they were alive, and he likes playing on the graves. my step mom insists i take him because he needs to get out of the house etc. i refuse and leave without him, but my stepmom is getting increasingly angry with me. even my dad is stepping in and saying i need to start taking him and helping out with the kids. it turned into a huge fight, at which point i said somethings along the lines of "you don't even love me, i'm just here because you feel bad, they aren't my siblings so i shouldn't have to take responsibility for them," etc. i understand that what i said isn't necessarily true, but they aren't my family, really. i just kind of live here. aita? for what i said and for refusing to take my sort of brother to the cemetery with me.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
my mom passed away two years ago, and i moved in with my dad. him and his new wife have a whole bunch of wild kids. my dad is a pretty decent guy and managed to wrangle me having my own room, but my step mom isn't too happy about it (their girls are crammed five into one room, instead of having three of us on each) but dad put his foot down and said i needed my space. my parents were friends, and he was really my sperm donor. he never really acted as my dad, and i only started calling him it once i moved in here. he took custody because he knows how shitty the system is. anyway, my mother is buried in the cemetery about a forty five minute walk from the house. i visit her a lot (a few times a week) and one of my brothers (11) is obsessed with the cemetery. i hate taking him, though, because he's incredibly disrespectful. my mom was pretty spiritual, and we have to treat the deceased with as much respect as you'd treat them with it they were alive, and he likes playing on the graves. my step mom insists i take him because he needs to get out of the house etc. i refuse and leave without him, but my stepmom is getting increasingly angry with me. even my dad is stepping in and saying i need to start taking him and helping out with the kids. it turned into a huge fight, at which point i said somethings along the lines of "you don't even love me, i'm just here because you feel bad, they aren't my siblings so i shouldn't have to take responsibility for them," etc. i understand that what i said isn't necessarily true, but they aren't my family, really. i just kind of live here. aita? for what i said and for refusing to take my sort of brother to the cemetery with me. [/INST] nta-it’s not your responsibility to be a third parent or a babysitter for a child old enough to understand that a cemetery is not a playground and should not be treated as such. i’m sorry for your loss. </s>
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AITA for ruining family dinner because I didn't want to talk about my ex and suggested we talk about everyone's exes?
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had a family dinner this past weekend. it included myself, my fiance, my sister, her boyfriend, and our parents. my sister got divorced maybe a year ago and has a boyfriend. i really like him, he's great. and they are so great together! i'm happy that she is finally happy. i've known my fiance for 10 years and have been 'together' for 6 or 7 years. things are great with us, too.
at dinner, we were talking about old memories and laughing. generally having a good time all around. we eventually talked about how much dating has changed over the years and now the majority of people meet online/through an app. i should mention here that my sister met her boyfriend on a dating app. nothing wrong with that, it is 2019. then my sister brought up my ex because i had met my ex online but before all these apps were status quo (12+ years ago).
back then, i got sooo much shit from my family about how i met my ex. they all were less than nice to me and to him and it's something i've never forgotten. that relationship lasted 2.5 years but eventually we broke up but for other reasons. when i look back, i do have the 'what the hell was i thinking' reaction that everyone has when they think about their exes but i also have a bit of sadness and anger towards my family about how i was treated. so obviously, i don't like going back there. my sister just kept talking about my ex and how unsafe meeting people online was back then and i'm so lucky he didn't end up being a sexual predator or serial killer! she and my parents were talking about my ex and how horrible he was while myself, my fiance, and her bf just stayed quiet. honestly, my ex was a nice guy, just not for me, so i took offense to what was being said as i was also being painted as being foolish.
i'm not proud of what i did but i loudly said something like "ahhh, this must be the portion of the family dinner where we all talk about our past relationships! does anyone else want to talk about their exes? dad, how about your exwife from when you got married at 20? mom, anyone? bf and fiance... do you want to talk about any of your exes? sister, how about we talk about your exhusband or exbf? i heard exhusband is finally selling the house."
it was dead quiet for what seemed like an eternity until i was told i was wildly inappropriate. i mentioned that i thought it was wildly inappropriate at all to bring up anyone's ex while everyone's significant other is sitting right there. there was an argument. fiance and i excused ourselves and we went home.
got some texts afterwards about how i ruined dinner and i should apologize but i don't think i'm the one who should be apologizing. i see this as a 'you can serve it but not take it' situation so i don't feel i owe anyone an apology. aita?
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/b2yjac/aita_for_ruining_family_dinner_because_i_didnt/
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2019-03-19 15:08:11
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nta you did not ruin dinner. they could have taken it in good grace and then changed the topic, but they didn’t.
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esh. i was on nta until you mentioned including asking your fiance and sister's boyfriend about their exes. they didn't do anything to deserve your family's drama. everyone sucks except for the two of them.
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nta. you were standing up for yourself. i like the way you handled it.
i personally would have a word with the participants and suggest they may want to knock it off in future as you'll handle it exactly the same in future.
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nta, and i rather think you have something of a flair for the appropriate.
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info
did you say "can we talk about something else" (or something similar) or try to change the topic somehow before you said that?
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esh. op did an asshole move, but it's definitely more justified than what his/her family did.
that said, you could've diffused that situation in a much more peaceful way,by trying to switch topics, or saying you're uncomfortable talking about your ex.
in case that doesn't work, then you could've resorted to this.
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nta you did not ruin dinner, they did. if they don’t want want to talk about things that make themselves uncomfortable they shouldn’t force the conversation into others.
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esh. they shouldn't be talking about ex's at a family dinner. you could have handled it better though.
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nta. they totally deserved it.
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nta, and in fact i think you did them a service by throwing back exactly what they dished out. if they really press for an apology, i would probably sit down and calmly explain why that was fucked up of them. but you literally pointed out their wrong, particularly since your so was there. good on you for having a spine.
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NTA
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ESH
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NTA
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NTA
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INFO
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ESH
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NTA
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ESH
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NTA
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NTA
| 0.207934 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: had a family dinner this past weekend. it included myself, my fiance, my sister, her boyfriend, and our parents. my sister got divorced maybe a year ago and has a boyfriend. i really like him, he's great. and they are so great together! i'm happy that she is finally happy. i've known my fiance for 10 years and have been 'together' for 6 or 7 years. things are great with us, too. at dinner, we were talking about old memories and laughing. generally having a good time all around. we eventually talked about how much dating has changed over the years and now the majority of people meet online/through an app. i should mention here that my sister met her boyfriend on a dating app. nothing wrong with that, it is 2019. then my sister brought up my ex because i had met my ex online but before all these apps were status quo (12+ years ago). back then, i got sooo much shit from my family about how i met my ex. they all were less than nice to me and to him and it's something i've never forgotten. that relationship lasted 2.5 years but eventually we broke up but for other reasons. when i look back, i do have the 'what the hell was i thinking' reaction that everyone has when they think about their exes but i also have a bit of sadness and anger towards my family about how i was treated. so obviously, i don't like going back there. my sister just kept talking about my ex and how unsafe meeting people online was back then and i'm so lucky he didn't end up being a sexual predator or serial killer! she and my parents were talking about my ex and how horrible he was while myself, my fiance, and her bf just stayed quiet. honestly, my ex was a nice guy, just not for me, so i took offense to what was being said as i was also being painted as being foolish. i'm not proud of what i did but i loudly said something like "ahhh, this must be the portion of the family dinner where we all talk about our past relationships! does anyone else want to talk about their exes? dad, how about your exwife from when you got married at 20? mom, anyone? bf and fiance... do you want to talk about any of your exes? sister, how about we talk about your exhusband or exbf? i heard exhusband is finally selling the house." it was dead quiet for what seemed like an eternity until i was told i was wildly inappropriate. i mentioned that i thought it was wildly inappropriate at all to bring up anyone's ex while everyone's significant other is sitting right there. there was an argument. fiance and i excused ourselves and we went home. got some texts afterwards about how i ruined dinner and i should apologize but i don't think i'm the one who should be apologizing. i see this as a 'you can serve it but not take it' situation so i don't feel i owe anyone an apology. aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
had a family dinner this past weekend. it included myself, my fiance, my sister, her boyfriend, and our parents. my sister got divorced maybe a year ago and has a boyfriend. i really like him, he's great. and they are so great together! i'm happy that she is finally happy. i've known my fiance for 10 years and have been 'together' for 6 or 7 years. things are great with us, too. at dinner, we were talking about old memories and laughing. generally having a good time all around. we eventually talked about how much dating has changed over the years and now the majority of people meet online/through an app. i should mention here that my sister met her boyfriend on a dating app. nothing wrong with that, it is 2019. then my sister brought up my ex because i had met my ex online but before all these apps were status quo (12+ years ago). back then, i got sooo much shit from my family about how i met my ex. they all were less than nice to me and to him and it's something i've never forgotten. that relationship lasted 2.5 years but eventually we broke up but for other reasons. when i look back, i do have the 'what the hell was i thinking' reaction that everyone has when they think about their exes but i also have a bit of sadness and anger towards my family about how i was treated. so obviously, i don't like going back there. my sister just kept talking about my ex and how unsafe meeting people online was back then and i'm so lucky he didn't end up being a sexual predator or serial killer! she and my parents were talking about my ex and how horrible he was while myself, my fiance, and her bf just stayed quiet. honestly, my ex was a nice guy, just not for me, so i took offense to what was being said as i was also being painted as being foolish. i'm not proud of what i did but i loudly said something like "ahhh, this must be the portion of the family dinner where we all talk about our past relationships! does anyone else want to talk about their exes? dad, how about your exwife from when you got married at 20? mom, anyone? bf and fiance... do you want to talk about any of your exes? sister, how about we talk about your exhusband or exbf? i heard exhusband is finally selling the house." it was dead quiet for what seemed like an eternity until i was told i was wildly inappropriate. i mentioned that i thought it was wildly inappropriate at all to bring up anyone's ex while everyone's significant other is sitting right there. there was an argument. fiance and i excused ourselves and we went home. got some texts afterwards about how i ruined dinner and i should apologize but i don't think i'm the one who should be apologizing. i see this as a 'you can serve it but not take it' situation so i don't feel i owe anyone an apology. aita? [/INST] nta you did not ruin dinner. they could have taken it in good grace and then changed the topic, but they didn’t. </s>
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AITA for threatening to move out and stop supporting my mother if she doesn't put her foot down with my brother?
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i (29f) have been living with my mother (53f) since august of this year. i moved in because she has been having a very hard year health wise and because of that has been struggling with bills as she's been in and out of hospital, has had multiple surgeries and hasn't been able to work much.
my brother (25m) has been staying with us on and off throughout this time in between his on again off again relationship. when they're broken up, he's here. his girlfriend (29f) is not allowed near this house or my mother. so when they've been arguing/have broken up he comes to stay here for a few days instead of going back to his house.
the problem lies in that my brother has always been...entitled. he never respects other people's property or the wishes of my mother. i used to try and stand up for mom, but she would always get mad at me for it so i've since backed off and just encourage her to handle it. however, it's gotten to the point where it's starting to effect my health.
you see i have always struggled with weak lungs. i've had asthma from childhood and every winter i struggle with my health because of it. my brother is a chain smoker. he smokes a very powerful menthol cigarette that permeates the whole house when he smokes and he smokes all day.
i tend to be an introvert and spend most of my time in my room doing my own thing, but when he's here i feel like i'm suffocating because of the smoke even though he's in the livingroom. i have went to my mother multiple times about how his smoking habits are effecting my lungs and how he needs to stop. she agreed and talked to him about it. his argument is that my mother also smokes inside. which is true. however, she only smokes 4 cigarettes a day. she smokes them at night before going to bed and she does so in her room that is on the opposite side of the house so as not to bother me. usually i can't even smell it when she's smoking unless i have to go to her room for something.
despite being explained this, and told multiple times to smoke outside, he continued to ignore our request and smoked in the house. mom has shrugged her shoulders, claiming she told him to stop and if he isn't going to there's nothing she can do about it. i've told her if he's going to be disrespectful and not care about my health, he needs to find somewhere else to go.
right now he is currently staying with his on again/off again girlfriend and my lungs have been given a break. however, i told my mother i will move out and stop helping support her if he comes back to stay again and continues smoking inside. my brother does not help with bills or anything so i know she will likely fall behind very quickly if i do this. especially with her health still being the way it is and limiting her ability to work. aita?
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kogspw/aita_for_threatening_to_move_out_and_stop/
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2021-01-01 19:02:14
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nta. you're not being heard and so you need to make a boundary. you're doing what's you need to, even though it's hard.
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nta
start saving up now. because your mom is definitely going to let him back in.
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nta
your health and ability to breathe is more important than your mother and brothers' desires to live off of you.
how does she think she will make it if this triggers something serious and you can't work? her health is important, but if all she actually values with your relationship is your money instead of your wellbeing, then all she is is a leech.
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you are helping and looking out for your mom but she is not doing the same for you. i get the feeling she just does not take your health seriously enough. by all means, tell her you will be moving out, and then you must follow through with that if he returns.
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she can do something, tell him he isn't welcome anymore if he continues to smoke inside. she just doesn't want to.
nta.
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nta. you love your mother and want to support her, but you can't put your own health are risk. you aren't asking for your brother to quit smoking. you're just asking him to take it outside. that is a perfectly reasonable request. if your mother and brother won't make your health a priority to them, then you need to do whatever you need to protect yourself.
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nta.
you have asthma ffs.
this entitled brat ruins further the health of your lungs, you catch a cold, but this time its way more serious because hello, weaker than usual lungs. you need a ventilator. guess what? at the nearest hospital they are all in use due to the current un-blessing. next hospital? the same. will you be alive when you arrive at the third? do you really want to bet your life on it?
not to mention what happens if you catch the bug. your chances to survive are already low but with the damage your brother is doing to your lungs i would say check if you paid your life-insurance and put your mom as the beneficiary so that she is taken care of when you are six feet under.
move as long as you are able to.
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nta
he is making life unbearable in *your* home.
this is the home of two disabled people where you provide mutual support, but it is the home of the two of you.
you need to have a discussion with your mom about the boundaries and privileges you have as a member of her household for the next foreseeable future.
**if this is going to be your home for a while where you pay the bills and take care of your mother then you should have the same say as a spouse or a roommate does.**
you are no longer there as a child needing a place to stay now that you are paying the bills and taking care of her. you are a full, valid member of the household, unlike your brother.
this is your home too and you should have yourself put on some of the bills and register the address so it is established when eventually your mother passes on.
you could make a sign with a place for your mom's signature where she establishes that she is the only one who can smoke inside of the house.
establish a space outside where your brother can smoke, set up an ashtray and a chair if you can so there is a designated smoking area.
bottom line is that a) the rules are established by the owner of the house b) he has a place to smoke and c) you have the authority and means to enforce the rules with your new squirt gun.
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nta. everyone here is an adult. it's high time your brother starts acting like one. good on you for trying to help your family. if your mom won't hold firm, tell her you will and she needs to back you a 100%. no one smokes in the house anymore, your mom or your brother. else you are out of there. be even more entitled than your brother and do not back down.
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nta. my advice is to get a spray bottle and start squirting him with water every time he lights up indoors.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0 |
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (29f) have been living with my mother (53f) since august of this year. i moved in because she has been having a very hard year health wise and because of that has been struggling with bills as she's been in and out of hospital, has had multiple surgeries and hasn't been able to work much. my brother (25m) has been staying with us on and off throughout this time in between his on again off again relationship. when they're broken up, he's here. his girlfriend (29f) is not allowed near this house or my mother. so when they've been arguing/have broken up he comes to stay here for a few days instead of going back to his house. the problem lies in that my brother has always been...entitled. he never respects other people's property or the wishes of my mother. i used to try and stand up for mom, but she would always get mad at me for it so i've since backed off and just encourage her to handle it. however, it's gotten to the point where it's starting to effect my health. you see i have always struggled with weak lungs. i've had asthma from childhood and every winter i struggle with my health because of it. my brother is a chain smoker. he smokes a very powerful menthol cigarette that permeates the whole house when he smokes and he smokes all day. i tend to be an introvert and spend most of my time in my room doing my own thing, but when he's here i feel like i'm suffocating because of the smoke even though he's in the livingroom. i have went to my mother multiple times about how his smoking habits are effecting my lungs and how he needs to stop. she agreed and talked to him about it. his argument is that my mother also smokes inside. which is true. however, she only smokes 4 cigarettes a day. she smokes them at night before going to bed and she does so in her room that is on the opposite side of the house so as not to bother me. usually i can't even smell it when she's smoking unless i have to go to her room for something. despite being explained this, and told multiple times to smoke outside, he continued to ignore our request and smoked in the house. mom has shrugged her shoulders, claiming she told him to stop and if he isn't going to there's nothing she can do about it. i've told her if he's going to be disrespectful and not care about my health, he needs to find somewhere else to go. right now he is currently staying with his on again/off again girlfriend and my lungs have been given a break. however, i told my mother i will move out and stop helping support her if he comes back to stay again and continues smoking inside. my brother does not help with bills or anything so i know she will likely fall behind very quickly if i do this. especially with her health still being the way it is and limiting her ability to work. aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the a**hole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the a**hole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice.
<</SYS>>
i (29f) have been living with my mother (53f) since august of this year. i moved in because she has been having a very hard year health wise and because of that has been struggling with bills as she's been in and out of hospital, has had multiple surgeries and hasn't been able to work much. my brother (25m) has been staying with us on and off throughout this time in between his on again off again relationship. when they're broken up, he's here. his girlfriend (29f) is not allowed near this house or my mother. so when they've been arguing/have broken up he comes to stay here for a few days instead of going back to his house. the problem lies in that my brother has always been...entitled. he never respects other people's property or the wishes of my mother. i used to try and stand up for mom, but she would always get mad at me for it so i've since backed off and just encourage her to handle it. however, it's gotten to the point where it's starting to effect my health. you see i have always struggled with weak lungs. i've had asthma from childhood and every winter i struggle with my health because of it. my brother is a chain smoker. he smokes a very powerful menthol cigarette that permeates the whole house when he smokes and he smokes all day. i tend to be an introvert and spend most of my time in my room doing my own thing, but when he's here i feel like i'm suffocating because of the smoke even though he's in the livingroom. i have went to my mother multiple times about how his smoking habits are effecting my lungs and how he needs to stop. she agreed and talked to him about it. his argument is that my mother also smokes inside. which is true. however, she only smokes 4 cigarettes a day. she smokes them at night before going to bed and she does so in her room that is on the opposite side of the house so as not to bother me. usually i can't even smell it when she's smoking unless i have to go to her room for something. despite being explained this, and told multiple times to smoke outside, he continued to ignore our request and smoked in the house. mom has shrugged her shoulders, claiming she told him to stop and if he isn't going to there's nothing she can do about it. i've told her if he's going to be disrespectful and not care about my health, he needs to find somewhere else to go. right now he is currently staying with his on again/off again girlfriend and my lungs have been given a break. however, i told my mother i will move out and stop helping support her if he comes back to stay again and continues smoking inside. my brother does not help with bills or anything so i know she will likely fall behind very quickly if i do this. especially with her health still being the way it is and limiting her ability to work. aita? [/INST] nta. you're not being heard and so you need to make a boundary. you're doing what's you need to, even though it's hard. </s>
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