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AITA for changing my daughters middle name while my wife was asleep?	my wife and i just had our second child, a baby girl. when we had kids we decided i would name the first boy and she would name the first girl. the only thing we didn’t agree on was middle names. my wife decided because she had carried the children she would decide both of their middle names. she wanted to pass on a family traditional name on her mothers side and wanted to pass on her paternal grandmothers middle name as well. our first child, a boy, has the family traditional middle name from her mothers side. it’s a unisex name that always goes to the first born child. at first i didn’t care about the middle names but while my wife was pregnant with our second my grandmother passed. i asked her if we could give the baby my grandmothers middle name and she said no. we fought but i gave up. until the nurse came in with the papers to name the child. my wife was passed out asleep and the nurse just asked if we had a name picked out. i said yes and filled out the form with my grandmothers middle name. when my wife woke up an hour later i decided to tell her the truth immediately instead of hide it. she was pissed. we got into a huge fight and she claimed she’d be changing it but she can’t because you need both parents to sign off on a name change. it’s been three days and my wife is giving me the silent treatment. along with her visiting family. even my family said it was a cruel thing to do while she was asleep. am i the asshole??	3,987	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t2eyg3/aita_for_changing_my_daughters_middle_name_while/	2022-02-27 03:38:34	yta obviously. your wife just gave birth and passed out and you use it as an opportunity to get your way in an argument? you two seriously need to work on your conflict resolution skills, this is so bad.	yta, i think your grandmother would be ashamed of you for being a sneaky asshole. your wife was probably still in pain after giving birth instead of being there to comfort her, you pull this move.	yta my dad bullied my mom about my name. it lead to their divorce, and as an adult with my own kids, and i resent my dad for it too, same with other people whose fathers acted so underhandedly against our mothers when they were so vulnerable. at least he didn’t do it behind her back. this isn’t going away, and your daughter will associate your grandmother’s name with you betraying her mother when she was born. sounds like a great memorial .	yta. whose last name do the kids have? my guess is yours. if both kids have a family name from you, it makes sense that she would want to pass down a family name from her side using the middle names.	dear reddit: i took advantage of my wife being passed out after giving birth to unilaterally make a decision about our child that i knew the wifey would not be happy with. aita? where in this scenario do you think you are not ta? yta.	this is the second post of a dad changing a babies name ive seen today. do you guys not know you can, in fact, give a child 2 middle names? just a thought. but esh learn comprimise and yta for being sneaky when you knew you were wrong, if it was right you would have done it while she was awake.	yta. you disenfranchised your wife when she was recovering from a major physical trauma. how is she supposed to trust you? this was an outrageous breach of trust. you need to arrive at a consensus. neither of you should be acting unilaterally.	well, i hope that was a great marriage for you.	yta. you had an agreement and when she was asleep recovering from childbirth, in her most vulnerable state you betrayed her.	so let me get this right… she says yta, her family says yta, and your family says yta, but you’re not sure if yta?!?! what you did was horrible and cruel. she carried a human being for 9 months and just birthed it so you decided to take advantage when she was out of it just to get your way? and then you tell your wife that she can’t change it because it would require your sign off? are you trying to torpedo your marriage? honestly, at this point, agree to change it. it’s your best chance to save your marriage. you have just crossed the line so majorly that i don’t know that you can come back from it. and you should want to make it right, but the fact that there’s still a part of you that thinks you were justified in your actions makes me believe that you don’t care.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	ESH	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	0.000485	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my wife and i just had our second child, a baby girl. when we had kids we decided i would name the first boy and she would name the first girl. the only thing we didn’t agree on was middle names. my wife decided because she had carried the children she would decide both of their middle names. she wanted to pass on a family traditional name on her mothers side and wanted to pass on her paternal grandmothers middle name as well. our first child, a boy, has the family traditional middle name from her mothers side. it’s a unisex name that always goes to the first born child. at first i didn’t care about the middle names but while my wife was pregnant with our second my grandmother passed. i asked her if we could give the baby my grandmothers middle name and she said no. we fought but i gave up. until the nurse came in with the papers to name the child. my wife was passed out asleep and the nurse just asked if we had a name picked out. i said yes and filled out the form with my grandmothers middle name. when my wife woke up an hour later i decided to tell her the truth immediately instead of hide it. she was pissed. we got into a huge fight and she claimed she’d be changing it but she can’t because you need both parents to sign off on a name change. it’s been three days and my wife is giving me the silent treatment. along with her visiting family. even my family said it was a cruel thing to do while she was asleep. am i the asshole??	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my wife and i just had our second child, a baby girl. when we had kids we decided i would name the first boy and she would name the first girl. the only thing we didn’t agree on was middle names. my wife decided because she had carried the children she would decide both of their middle names. she wanted to pass on a family traditional name on her mothers side and wanted to pass on her paternal grandmothers middle name as well. our first child, a boy, has the family traditional middle name from her mothers side. it’s a unisex name that always goes to the first born child. at first i didn’t care about the middle names but while my wife was pregnant with our second my grandmother passed. i asked her if we could give the baby my grandmothers middle name and she said no. we fought but i gave up. until the nurse came in with the papers to name the child. my wife was passed out asleep and the nurse just asked if we had a name picked out. i said yes and filled out the form with my grandmothers middle name. when my wife woke up an hour later i decided to tell her the truth immediately instead of hide it. she was pissed. we got into a huge fight and she claimed she’d be changing it but she can’t because you need both parents to sign off on a name change. it’s been three days and my wife is giving me the silent treatment. along with her visiting family. even my family said it was a cruel thing to do while she was asleep. am i the asshole?? [/INST] yta obviously. your wife just gave birth and passed out and you use it as an opportunity to get your way in an argument? you two seriously need to work on your conflict resolution skills, this is so bad. </s>
AITA for asking my wife to stop mispronouncing our son’s name?	my wife and i are mexican-american. i’m third-generation and she came here when she was eight. as a result, she’s a quite a bit more “hispanic” than me, and we’ve clashed at times because i’m apparently insufficiently enthusiastic about my heritage. after we got married, we agreed that we’d have two kids and take turns naming them. she went first and gave our daughter a fairly traditional name (rosa maría). last year, our son was born. i named him daniel. ever since he was born, she’s been calling him by the spanish pronunciation of his name, with an emphasis on the n. (kind of like daahn-ni-yell instead of dan-yell like i imagined.) she also calls him dani while i call him danny. she introduces him as daahn-ni-yell to everyone else and now everyone’s just following her pronunciation, which is frustrating because it was my turn to name the baby and i feel like she didn’t respect my choice. when i confronted her, she said she doesn’t want our kids to have anglicized names because they’re mexican. i mean, it’s not that i have a problem with them having spanish names. i don’t call rosa maría rose or rosemary. but it was (as agreed) my turn to name daniel and she should respect the fact that i didn’t factor in our heritage while naming him. aita for wanting my son’s name pronounced the way i intended it to be pronounced?	4,940	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rw74ib/aita_for_asking_my_wife_to_stop_mispronouncing/	2022-01-04 22:52:11	yta. you named him daniel, she calls him daniel. why do you want her accent to somehow disappear when speaking her son's name? > she should respect the fact that i didn’t factor in our heritage while naming him what on fucking earth is that, my dude?	nta. your wife's response, that she simply doesn't like your choice and won't adhere to it, indicates that she's violating the deal.	nta, and i'm really surprised at all the votes going the other way. firstly, have any of y'all actually met a person who immigrated at 8 years old before? they generally have zero accent speaking english, and in the vast majority of cases, they are way better at & more comfortable speaking english than their native language. secondly, pronunciation is an integral part of a name and i don't know why we're all suddenly pretending otherwise? there are names which have multiple "valid" pronunciations even in the same language, and the correct pronunciation is whatever the person (or their parents if they're a baby) say it is. it would be wrong and super rude for people to call them by a different pronunciation, even if the alternate pronunciation is also a common/valid one for that name. that said, i agree that maybe op shouldn't be dying on this hill. once the kid is older, he'll decide what he wants to be called, so it's probably not worth it to have this fight now.	>she came here when she was eight. i'm guessing she learned spanish first. that's what comes naturally to her, so she's going to use those vowel sounds first. nah, but you getting so upset about it almost makes you ta.	nta . though this is a hard one. it’s your son and you chose the name, so i don’t feel like you’re out of line. i feel like cultural views should have been talked about a bit more before you had kids tbh.	yta. "you name one kid, i name the other" is just unrealistic. you're both parents of your children, you get an equal say on the name of each of the children. she's not calling him by a different name. she's calling him by the name you gave him, as it would be pronounced in the culture she's from. disrespecting your choice would be calling him by a different name entirely. if you wanted a name that was pronounced the same or very similarly in both spanish and english, you should have chosen one where that was the case, like your wife did. (	nta because you had a deal. you got to pick your sons name and she can't now ignore that fact and intentionally mispronounce it which given what she's said about the name is clearly what's happening.	nta i get it is frustrating hearing your family pronounce it differently than you intended. having said that, i don't know if the pronunciation of his name is a hill to die on. eventually, when your son gets older he will have a preference as to how he wants his name pronounced and his nicknames. (i have a coworker who goes by joshua. absolutely refuses to go by josh. he will correct you on the spot if you call him josh.)	i'm going to go against the grain for this one, and probably get drowned out, and say nta based on some of your comments - it might be a good idea to update your main post in regards to her accent. you do not anglicize the name she picked for your daughter, and pronounce it in the exact same way as she does. she speaks in an american accent, even when speak spanish mostly (with a slight tinge from her family, as you put it). she has had no issues pronouncing the name in the english/american way for other people with the same name, so it does sound like she is making a point to keep his name more in line with his hispanic heritage. i for example have a name which, although effectively the same in english, french and italian (and probably others), can have varied pronunciations depending on the country of origin. i have an italian co-worker who is also fluent in french, and yet she makes the best effort to pronounce my name in the more english way (although i answer to owt nowadays so...). i genuinely think this runs deeper than just the pronunciation of the name. perhaps you need to sit down and speak with her about why she feels so strongly about the pronunciation of the name, even though you have said it's not what you wished for. i am not hispanic, i'm whiter than a polar bears arse so i may be completely wrong when i say this but from what i've seen of people of such culture, culture and heritage is extremely important and she may be worrying about her children not having such a strong connection to their roots? you also need to think if this is really a hill you want to die on, or if you can just call him how you believe it should be pronounced and your wife how she does, if he ends up going to a predominately white school the chances are he'll be called the more anglicised version anyway, and it can be up to him how he wishes for his name to be pronounced. though this can have blow-backs as well, of course. my mum has an unusual name (at least in our country) of "tabitha" my nana, who is a saint in all her kooky wonder, could never decide how she wanted it pronounced. for the most part, and what my mum identifies with, it's "tab-i-tha" (short i sound), but every so often nana likes to go against the grain and call her "tab-ee-tha", and it p\*sses my mum off to no end. edited my essay to add: "you name one/i'll name the other" sucks and this goes to show it doesn't work, names should be a mutual decision among with any other things related to parenting. edited again: thank you so much for the award! i didn't think my verdict would be liked as much as it has been! 100% this couple needs to talk	you're nta, but i don't think you're going to win in the short run. where you might find your "win" (if it exists) is once he starts school, if it's in the u.s. it's likely that every teacher and other students will be calling him dan-yell... your wife has flat out defied whatever deal you had, name-wise. not sure how to "maturely" handle that aspect. she's happy she found a loophole, you're not happy and she could give a hoot.	YTA	NTA	NTA	NAH	NTA	YTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0.15977	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my wife and i are mexican-american. i’m third-generation and she came here when she was eight. as a result, she’s a quite a bit more “hispanic” than me, and we’ve clashed at times because i’m apparently insufficiently enthusiastic about my heritage. after we got married, we agreed that we’d have two kids and take turns naming them. she went first and gave our daughter a fairly traditional name (rosa maría). last year, our son was born. i named him daniel. ever since he was born, she’s been calling him by the spanish pronunciation of his name, with an emphasis on the n. (kind of like daahn-ni-yell instead of dan-yell like i imagined.) she also calls him dani while i call him danny. she introduces him as daahn-ni-yell to everyone else and now everyone’s just following her pronunciation, which is frustrating because it was my turn to name the baby and i feel like she didn’t respect my choice. when i confronted her, she said she doesn’t want our kids to have anglicized names because they’re mexican. i mean, it’s not that i have a problem with them having spanish names. i don’t call rosa maría rose or rosemary. but it was (as agreed) my turn to name daniel and she should respect the fact that i didn’t factor in our heritage while naming him. aita for wanting my son’s name pronounced the way i intended it to be pronounced?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my wife and i are mexican-american. i’m third-generation and she came here when she was eight. as a result, she’s a quite a bit more “hispanic” than me, and we’ve clashed at times because i’m apparently insufficiently enthusiastic about my heritage. after we got married, we agreed that we’d have two kids and take turns naming them. she went first and gave our daughter a fairly traditional name (rosa maría). last year, our son was born. i named him daniel. ever since he was born, she’s been calling him by the spanish pronunciation of his name, with an emphasis on the n. (kind of like daahn-ni-yell instead of dan-yell like i imagined.) she also calls him dani while i call him danny. she introduces him as daahn-ni-yell to everyone else and now everyone’s just following her pronunciation, which is frustrating because it was my turn to name the baby and i feel like she didn’t respect my choice. when i confronted her, she said she doesn’t want our kids to have anglicized names because they’re mexican. i mean, it’s not that i have a problem with them having spanish names. i don’t call rosa maría rose or rosemary. but it was (as agreed) my turn to name daniel and she should respect the fact that i didn’t factor in our heritage while naming him. aita for wanting my son’s name pronounced the way i intended it to be pronounced? [/INST] yta. you named him daniel, she calls him daniel. why do you want her accent to somehow disappear when speaking her son's name? > she should respect the fact that i didn’t factor in our heritage while naming him what on fucking earth is that, my dude? </s>
AITA for telling my SO she's not Chinese?	my so of 4 years and i (both in our 20s) were having a conversation about culture. she was born in china and immigrated to canada when she was a baby with her family, and is very white-washed. she is a canadian citizen and has only been to china a few times to visit. she acts the same as anyone else, doesn't have an accent, doesn't watch chinese tv/movies/news. i am white, my ancestors were one of the first settle to canada as traced by genealogy. so the conversation goes, she says "hey it would be nice if you learned a bit of chinese" and i don't want to do it. i have no patience an a bit lazy, and tell her this. she responds "well it'd be nice if you did it, because it's part of my culture." and then i ask her, "what's your culture?" she responds, "i'm chinese" to which i say "no you're not, you're white." because honestly apart from the chinese food she sometimes eats, there's nothing "chinese" about her. when she comes over to my family for holidays, she is the same as the rest of my family. she does speak chinese to her parents when they are together. she speaks mostly english to her sibling. when we went to university together and there were chinese international students, she did not hang out with them. anyway, when i told her this, she got very upset. she said "how dare you tell someone what their culture is or isn't. you are in no place to say that and it's highly offensive and out of line." i was just trying to say that i think she's as canadian/white as me, and when we are together i don't see her as "chinese". am i the asshole for pointing this out?	3,949	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ci4kjd/aita_for_telling_my_so_shes_not_chinese/	2019-07-26 15:50:18	yta. i was born in canada and never visited china. i’m still chinese. how the fuck is she white?	yta - her family is chinese, she was born in china, she speaks chinese, clearly chinese culture is more important to her than you realized, you don't know what aspects of her culture are a big part of her families life and it sounds like you would rather she just pretend she isn't chinese because she was brought here as a baby and you'd rather she left that in her past which is honestly just...terrible. don't date a chinese girl if you don't want to date a chinese girl.	yta. her cultural identity is not for you to choose.	yta. she was born in china. her parents are chinese. she speaks chinese. she quite reasonably identifies as both canadian and chinese. >i ask her, "what's your culture?" she responds, "i'm chinese" to which i say "no you're not, you're white." please tell me you know "white" isn't a culture.	> apart from the chinese food she sometimes eats, there's nothing "chinese" about her. > she does speak chinese to her parents when they are together. maybe it's because she's chinese? you idiot. yta	[deleted]	[deleted]	yta. she’s chinese.	[removed]	where's the part where you might not be an asshole?	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	null	YTA	null	null	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my so of 4 years and i (both in our 20s) were having a conversation about culture. she was born in china and immigrated to canada when she was a baby with her family, and is very white-washed. she is a canadian citizen and has only been to china a few times to visit. she acts the same as anyone else, doesn't have an accent, doesn't watch chinese tv/movies/news. i am white, my ancestors were one of the first settle to canada as traced by genealogy. so the conversation goes, she says "hey it would be nice if you learned a bit of chinese" and i don't want to do it. i have no patience an a bit lazy, and tell her this. she responds "well it'd be nice if you did it, because it's part of my culture." and then i ask her, "what's your culture?" she responds, "i'm chinese" to which i say "no you're not, you're white." because honestly apart from the chinese food she sometimes eats, there's nothing "chinese" about her. when she comes over to my family for holidays, she is the same as the rest of my family. she does speak chinese to her parents when they are together. she speaks mostly english to her sibling. when we went to university together and there were chinese international students, she did not hang out with them. anyway, when i told her this, she got very upset. she said "how dare you tell someone what their culture is or isn't. you are in no place to say that and it's highly offensive and out of line." i was just trying to say that i think she's as canadian/white as me, and when we are together i don't see her as "chinese". am i the asshole for pointing this out?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my so of 4 years and i (both in our 20s) were having a conversation about culture. she was born in china and immigrated to canada when she was a baby with her family, and is very white-washed. she is a canadian citizen and has only been to china a few times to visit. she acts the same as anyone else, doesn't have an accent, doesn't watch chinese tv/movies/news. i am white, my ancestors were one of the first settle to canada as traced by genealogy. so the conversation goes, she says "hey it would be nice if you learned a bit of chinese" and i don't want to do it. i have no patience an a bit lazy, and tell her this. she responds "well it'd be nice if you did it, because it's part of my culture." and then i ask her, "what's your culture?" she responds, "i'm chinese" to which i say "no you're not, you're white." because honestly apart from the chinese food she sometimes eats, there's nothing "chinese" about her. when she comes over to my family for holidays, she is the same as the rest of my family. she does speak chinese to her parents when they are together. she speaks mostly english to her sibling. when we went to university together and there were chinese international students, she did not hang out with them. anyway, when i told her this, she got very upset. she said "how dare you tell someone what their culture is or isn't. you are in no place to say that and it's highly offensive and out of line." i was just trying to say that i think she's as canadian/white as me, and when we are together i don't see her as "chinese". am i the asshole for pointing this out? [/INST] yta. i was born in canada and never visited china. i’m still chinese. how the fuck is she white? </s>
AITA for getting a 26yo woman from a 25 and under support group?	my college has these support groups where students can, well, get help and support each other in the presence of a counselor. the one i attend is supposed to be for people 25 who moved for college and is going through adjustments related to moving. most of the participants are (like myself) freshman. there is one girl who is a graduate student and she also moved to this town for college. she was 25 back when the semester began so she was allowed to join. she mostly talks about like adjusting to life here in the new town, finding a part time job , struggling with her imposter syndrome and about missing her boyfriend who is going to move to join her this year etc. but the thing is....since she's older, it makes me (and some of the others although we don't say it out loud) uncomfortable that she's there. like it just seems like she has different issues with adjusting. i honestly don't know why she bothers coming since it must be clear that none of us can relate and most of us kind of find her issues are in a different stage of life. so anyway, i discovered that her birthday was in december which means she turned 26 already so i went to the counselor and told her this. counselor said she was aware of it and that she had spoken to the 26yo and she asked to be allowed to join in until the end of this semester (which ends in late march). i wasn't entirely happy with that since they are breaking the rules so i let the admin section in charge of the support groups know this and well, they emailed her and she doesn't come anymore. the counselor must've also got reprimanded or something cause the last session she made a "statement" regarding how she was sorry for allowing someone to violate our safe space. she didn't say anything to me directly but during her statement she said she was only trying to help someone and that's why she did it. i couldn't help feel a little bad since well, 26yo is also a new student and all that but at the same time \she\ was breaking the rules. a couple of other students have mentioned that they missed her and even arranged to hang out with her. i though that was weird since she is older. like why is this 26yo hanging out with 19yo's? she does hang out with people her own age but i still find it strange. aita?	8,192	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/slvx36/aita_for_getting_a_26yo_woman_from_a_25_and_under/	2022-02-06 12:49:45	yta. go out and touch some grass, friend.	yta. you have no compassion for someone who is struggling. she turned 26 2 months ago. what difference does 2 months make? you clearly need to work on yourself and how to treat others. and when does it matter that you have to have friends exactly your age?! people have friends of all ages. doesn’t mean it’s odd. seriously, your thinking is messed up.	yta. that was a very petty thing to do. people don’t suddenly change unrecognisably on their 26th birthday and that group could have been important to her. it seems that you only did it out of personally disliking her, and i doubt she is an ah if other people from the group are missing her.	yta. i’m confused. her issues seem totally compatible with 19 year olds. > adjusting to life here in the new town, finding a part time job, struggling with her imposter syndrome and about missing her boyfriend… she was going to phase out of the support group anyway. i don’t see why you couldn’t have done her the courtesy of just waiting another month. seems like other students weren’t uncomfortable with her being a few months older than the age limit.	yta. you couldn't even let her finish out the semester. she clearly was there because she needed the support and it's very shit of you to take that away from her for the sake of a few months.	yta why did you even have to ask? what is the huge difference between 25 and 26 and what is the specific harm to you? this woman was looking for a so-called safe space and you kicked her out like a dog. nice. so much for safe space, not with you around.	yta. >it makes me (and some of the others although we don't say it out loud) uncomfortable that she's there. >most of us kind of find her issues are in a different stage of life. >a couple of other students have mentioned that they missed her and even arranged to hang out with her. this definitely comes off as you being the only person bothered she is there, and so you lied and spoke for the group. after all, if you never speak it out loud how do you have any idea what other people think? some to most were uncomfortable with her presence but others missed her so much they hang out after? and your surprised by this, which makes it seem like you haven't talked to anyone else at all. i find it hard to believe that one person taking a small amount of time to talk about something not super relevant to you was ruining the whole experience for you. what would you do if someone else was the same age but also had different problems? try to get them kicked too? you're hiding behind these "rules" but actually you're just being incredibly self centered.	i don't get it. she was 25 when she joined. are you supposed to leave the group on your 26th birthday even if the semester isn't over? what exactly are the rules?	this might be the shittiest, pettiest thing i’ve ever seen on here. yeah a lot of other stuff is way more extreme but those are usually situations where people at least have an emotional investment in whatever they’re being an asshole about. i’m not excusing asshole behaviour but at least i can see a thought process behind them being an asshole. you literally got someone kicked out of a therapy group for no reason. their presence their made zero difference to you and if she’d been allowed to join by the counsellor it was probably because she was struggling with specific issues that the counsellor (someone eminently more qualified to make this decision than you are) had thought the therapy group could help her. i’d advise you to grow the hell up and mind your own. i’m currently 27 at at university; some of my pals are my age and some of my pals are 19-22, if you think that’s shocking you’ll be in for an even bigger surprise when you get a job and find that you might, horror of horrors, have to share an office with someone in their 30’s, and hang out with them, like, all day. additionally, it sounds less like her problems weren’t relatable (how is missing your boyfriend not a relatable problem) and more like you just didn’t want to have to bother yourself with listening to them. you might wanna try and work out why you think someone being 5/6 years older than you is such a big difference (it isn’t - maybe if you were talking about romantic partners then i could sort of see where you’re coming from) that you’d class them as in a ‘different stage of life’ when you’re all at fucking college to begin with. yta, hands down. you got someone kicked out of therapy, probably got your counsellor in trouble and honestly, if you told anyone it was you who reported the counsellor then people will see that as a huge red flag for potential friendships.	yta. this is horrible. someone joined a support group for new students and was obviously benefitting from the group since she kept attending. it is weird of you to assume you have nothing in common with someone a few years older- or to assume that they couldn’t offer anything to the group.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my college has these support groups where students can, well, get help and support each other in the presence of a counselor. the one i attend is supposed to be for people 25 who moved for college and is going through adjustments related to moving. most of the participants are (like myself) freshman. there is one girl who is a graduate student and she also moved to this town for college. she was 25 back when the semester began so she was allowed to join. she mostly talks about like adjusting to life here in the new town, finding a part time job , struggling with her imposter syndrome and about missing her boyfriend who is going to move to join her this year etc. but the thing is....since she's older, it makes me (and some of the others although we don't say it out loud) uncomfortable that she's there. like it just seems like she has different issues with adjusting. i honestly don't know why she bothers coming since it must be clear that none of us can relate and most of us kind of find her issues are in a different stage of life. so anyway, i discovered that her birthday was in december which means she turned 26 already so i went to the counselor and told her this. counselor said she was aware of it and that she had spoken to the 26yo and she asked to be allowed to join in until the end of this semester (which ends in late march). i wasn't entirely happy with that since they are breaking the rules so i let the admin section in charge of the support groups know this and well, they emailed her and she doesn't come anymore. the counselor must've also got reprimanded or something cause the last session she made a "statement" regarding how she was sorry for allowing someone to violate our safe space. she didn't say anything to me directly but during her statement she said she was only trying to help someone and that's why she did it. i couldn't help feel a little bad since well, 26yo is also a new student and all that but at the same time \she\ was breaking the rules. a couple of other students have mentioned that they missed her and even arranged to hang out with her. i though that was weird since she is older. like why is this 26yo hanging out with 19yo's? she does hang out with people her own age but i still find it strange. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my college has these support groups where students can, well, get help and support each other in the presence of a counselor. the one i attend is supposed to be for people 25 who moved for college and is going through adjustments related to moving. most of the participants are (like myself) freshman. there is one girl who is a graduate student and she also moved to this town for college. she was 25 back when the semester began so she was allowed to join. she mostly talks about like adjusting to life here in the new town, finding a part time job , struggling with her imposter syndrome and about missing her boyfriend who is going to move to join her this year etc. but the thing is....since she's older, it makes me (and some of the others although we don't say it out loud) uncomfortable that she's there. like it just seems like she has different issues with adjusting. i honestly don't know why she bothers coming since it must be clear that none of us can relate and most of us kind of find her issues are in a different stage of life. so anyway, i discovered that her birthday was in december which means she turned 26 already so i went to the counselor and told her this. counselor said she was aware of it and that she had spoken to the 26yo and she asked to be allowed to join in until the end of this semester (which ends in late march). i wasn't entirely happy with that since they are breaking the rules so i let the admin section in charge of the support groups know this and well, they emailed her and she doesn't come anymore. the counselor must've also got reprimanded or something cause the last session she made a "statement" regarding how she was sorry for allowing someone to violate our safe space. she didn't say anything to me directly but during her statement she said she was only trying to help someone and that's why she did it. i couldn't help feel a little bad since well, 26yo is also a new student and all that but at the same time \she\ was breaking the rules. a couple of other students have mentioned that they missed her and even arranged to hang out with her. i though that was weird since she is older. like why is this 26yo hanging out with 19yo's? she does hang out with people her own age but i still find it strange. aita? [/INST] yta. go out and touch some grass, friend. </s>
AITA for not wanting my dad/uncles poly partners at my wedding?	i (27f) am getting married in a few months. my dad's side of the family has a very normalized "multiple wife/gf" way of life. my grandfather had 2 women he called his wives in addition to my grandmother(his actual wife) and a girlfriend. after my grandfather died in 2014 my grandmother came out and said that she'd never agreed to the relationship and had been trapped because she had my dad too young and was forced to marry my grandfather. my dad and his 2 younger brothers shunned her and cut contact after she said this. about a year later my mum said the same thing and filed for divorce. after they divorced i ended up going no contact with my dad for several years until he reached out to me in 2019 because he was diagnosed with lung cancer. we have since redeveloped a relationship but i'm clear i have no interest in meeting his 3 "girlfriends". when we sent out wedding invitations we offered all the adults a single plus 1 option. there was no issue at the time. then my dad called this week asking about how far our venue was from a specific road because he was struggling to find an airbnb bug enough for him and his brothers. i was confused because i assumed there would be a max of 6 people and i knew several airbnbs in the area that size. he then said that he was bringing all 3 of his gfs, uncle 1 was bringing his wife and his gf and uncle 2 was bringing both his gfs as well. i calmly reminded him that he was only allowed a single plus 1 and i wasn't going to pay for 4 extra women i'd never met to drink and eat at my wedding. he said he though the plus 1 was a joke because he knew my mum was bringing her husband as well as her 6yo and newborn so he assumed he got 3 guests too. i said 2 children who i'm very close to and 1 of whom is my flower girl, were completely different to 4 extra random women. he then flipped his shit and accused me of discriminating against his lifestyle and siding with mum and holding a grudge about their divorce. aita for not letting him bring extra guests?	18,349	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ntesfa/aita_for_not_wanting_my_daduncles_poly_partners/	2021-06-06 05:47:50	nta. you might want to look into hiring security, because these men will likely show up with all of their wives and gfs.	nta. basically your father is being completely unreasonable. you decide who comes to your wedding not him. draw firm boundaries.	nta imo. it’s your wedding, you can choose who you want there or not. your father obviously knew you didn’t want to meet the girlfriends, and to do it at your wedding is a serious ah move. i don’t care what you think about how they live their life, if you aren’t comfortable with someone going to your wedding, they shouldn’t go!	info is there cult shit involved?	nta: i was all prepared to call you an asshole as a polyamorous person but this sounds like an entire clown car. it's one thing if you were on good terms with your father's partners to not invite them or force him to choose but it sounds like you have no relationship with these people and expecting invitations for every single person your family happens to date that is polyamorous is absolutely ridiculous! your father is an asshole and exactly why the movement gets a bad name i hope you have a wonderful wedding.	[deleted]	nta. you were clear. he felt the rules didn’t apply to him. he didn’t communicate, and acted like a child when you wouldn’t accommodate him. honestly, it’s your wedding; invite or disinvite who you want.	nta, i cant believe your dad is counting children as plus 1s, what's wrong with him	nta i am in a poly triad and if someone invites one of my partners+1 to a wedding we respect that. we figure it’s a cute date for two of us, and the third gets to have a me-party at home with the cat.	“he knew my mum was being her husband as well as her 6yo and newborn.” your dad can’t compare his concubines to your half siblings. those aren’t the same by any means whatsoever. nta op, and tell your dad that just like he wants others to respect his choices, he should respect others as well.	NTA	NTA	NTA	INFO	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0.00388	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (27f) am getting married in a few months. my dad's side of the family has a very normalized "multiple wife/gf" way of life. my grandfather had 2 women he called his wives in addition to my grandmother(his actual wife) and a girlfriend. after my grandfather died in 2014 my grandmother came out and said that she'd never agreed to the relationship and had been trapped because she had my dad too young and was forced to marry my grandfather. my dad and his 2 younger brothers shunned her and cut contact after she said this. about a year later my mum said the same thing and filed for divorce. after they divorced i ended up going no contact with my dad for several years until he reached out to me in 2019 because he was diagnosed with lung cancer. we have since redeveloped a relationship but i'm clear i have no interest in meeting his 3 "girlfriends". when we sent out wedding invitations we offered all the adults a single plus 1 option. there was no issue at the time. then my dad called this week asking about how far our venue was from a specific road because he was struggling to find an airbnb bug enough for him and his brothers. i was confused because i assumed there would be a max of 6 people and i knew several airbnbs in the area that size. he then said that he was bringing all 3 of his gfs, uncle 1 was bringing his wife and his gf and uncle 2 was bringing both his gfs as well. i calmly reminded him that he was only allowed a single plus 1 and i wasn't going to pay for 4 extra women i'd never met to drink and eat at my wedding. he said he though the plus 1 was a joke because he knew my mum was bringing her husband as well as her 6yo and newborn so he assumed he got 3 guests too. i said 2 children who i'm very close to and 1 of whom is my flower girl, were completely different to 4 extra random women. he then flipped his shit and accused me of discriminating against his lifestyle and siding with mum and holding a grudge about their divorce. aita for not letting him bring extra guests?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i (27f) am getting married in a few months. my dad's side of the family has a very normalized "multiple wife/gf" way of life. my grandfather had 2 women he called his wives in addition to my grandmother(his actual wife) and a girlfriend. after my grandfather died in 2014 my grandmother came out and said that she'd never agreed to the relationship and had been trapped because she had my dad too young and was forced to marry my grandfather. my dad and his 2 younger brothers shunned her and cut contact after she said this. about a year later my mum said the same thing and filed for divorce. after they divorced i ended up going no contact with my dad for several years until he reached out to me in 2019 because he was diagnosed with lung cancer. we have since redeveloped a relationship but i'm clear i have no interest in meeting his 3 "girlfriends". when we sent out wedding invitations we offered all the adults a single plus 1 option. there was no issue at the time. then my dad called this week asking about how far our venue was from a specific road because he was struggling to find an airbnb bug enough for him and his brothers. i was confused because i assumed there would be a max of 6 people and i knew several airbnbs in the area that size. he then said that he was bringing all 3 of his gfs, uncle 1 was bringing his wife and his gf and uncle 2 was bringing both his gfs as well. i calmly reminded him that he was only allowed a single plus 1 and i wasn't going to pay for 4 extra women i'd never met to drink and eat at my wedding. he said he though the plus 1 was a joke because he knew my mum was bringing her husband as well as her 6yo and newborn so he assumed he got 3 guests too. i said 2 children who i'm very close to and 1 of whom is my flower girl, were completely different to 4 extra random women. he then flipped his shit and accused me of discriminating against his lifestyle and siding with mum and holding a grudge about their divorce. aita for not letting him bring extra guests? [/INST] nta. you might want to look into hiring security, because these men will likely show up with all of their wives and gfs. </s>
AITA for telling my roommates gf that she's not woke if she's wrong	**	25,502	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/lltqwg/aita_for_telling_my_roommates_gf_that_shes_not/	2021-02-17 12:47:32	nta. not woke? she’s straight up racist. ask her if she’d be buying you beans and a sombrero if you were puerto rican. seriously though, she needs a frank talk about what racism is.	nta. “.... so colonised we’ve forgotten our roots & should be embracing our culture.” if someone said that to me (i’m of indian heritage, born and raised in the uk), i’d tell them to f*** off. that’s personal to me, and so not something that a relative stranger gets to judge about me.	nta. you’re a hell of a lot nicer than i am. i would have snapped a lot sooner. i absolutely detest people thinking they know more about your own culture and acting all woke when they’re a)annoying and b) ignorant	nta. she repeatedly ignored that you and your so were not the stereotypical people she assumed you were in favor of attempting to bulldoze you with the way she decided things should be. your reaction is understandable. and tbh she sounds less "woke" and more "i did a five second google search for this topic and now i'm an expert".	nta - she wants to pretend she’s so “woke” yet she instantly turns to white woman tears when she doesn’t get her way telling other people how their culture is done.	nta. love how she’s white-splaining how to be asian. what a dumbass	nat. your roommate is racist. treating anyone differently (positive in or negative) based on their race....is racist. they are clearly overcompensating for how they truely feel about asians now, or in the past.	holy white savior complex batman! nta, almost all of the worlds culture is a result of some form of invasion or colonization, hell england at one point was a very colonized land, between the romans, the saxons, the vikings. i love how the white woke just assume anyone who isn't white is so incapable of understanding where their culture comes and all choices they make aren't theirs because of "colonialism". its perfectly acceptable to look at where your culture comes from, the good and the bad, and accept it for what it is because all of that is what makes your culture unique.	nta - she’s racist also, i’m also sea and celebrate chinese new year, and plastering hell notes on the walls of your house and writing your names on banners for dead people is not only pretty morbid, it is inviting bad luck into your home.	what did i just read.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	null	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: **	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> ** [/INST] nta. not woke? she’s straight up racist. ask her if she’d be buying you beans and a sombrero if you were puerto rican. seriously though, she needs a frank talk about what racism is. </s>
AITA for waking my husband up to drive me to pick up my car when I left my keys in my locker at work?	a couple of weeks ago i accidentally left my car keys in my uniform pants at work, and left my pants in my locker (i don’t wear my uniform home for multiple reasons. i just bring it home to wash - i have 2) i realized when i got to the subway station, where i’d parked, that i’d left my keys back at work - a half hour train ride and no guarantee i’d be able to get back in the building (it was after midnight). i called my husband to ask him to bring me the spare key. twenty-two times. i tried my son, but he was asleep (he’s 19 and has a car) and didn’t wake up when i called a second time. and i tried a friend. i didn’t want to call too many people because again, it was after midnight. i kept calling my husband hoping eventually he’d hear his phone. i wound up taking an uber home. i needed to go get my car because they ticket after 2 am usually. so, when i got home, and i was pretty upset that i’d called 22 times and he hadn’t answered. i continued trying to call him the whole way home in the uber. when i got home, i went inside and up to the bedroom and woke him up. i was pissed that had this been a serious emergency, i wouldn’t have been able to get through to him. he kept saying he had my number in his “favourites” so that if i called twice, the second time it would go through. but he had the phone on silent! and then put it on top of something soft. so he didn’t hear it vibrating. he complained that i was mad at him for something i did. i replied that no, i was mad at me for forgetting my keys. that was 100% on me. i was mad at him for not having his phone on and that he’s unreliable in an emergency, which thankfully, this wasn’t a huge one. so, aita for waking him up and being pissed that i couldn’t reach him in what wasn’t a big emergency, but what if it had been?	14,032	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y3aph8/aita_for_waking_my_husband_up_to_drive_me_to_pick/	2022-10-13 21:29:45	yta. he's right: your mad at him for something you did. him having his phone in silent was an accident, just like you forgetting your keys. no one except you did anything to you here.	i don’t get the y t a ‘s. nta i get what you are saying. my dad went through a very serious emergency a few years ago, and i live out of state. my mom kept trying to call my sister who lives 20 minutes from them, but her phone was dead (even though she was at home). so all she was able to get was the daughter a plane ride away who could do very little to help until i flew out (which i did within a few hours of course). there are settings on phones for this exact purpose to allow families to get in touch with you in an emergency. and while yours was not a true emergency this time, i understand why you are worried about what you would do if you had a true emergency in the future. also let’s be honest, waiting for an uber alone late at night as a woman is definitely a little uncomfortable. i would have wanted my partner to at least know what was going on/stay on the phone with me while waiting for the uber. anyways, he needs to figure out a better system. especially since it sounds like you work late nights often.	yta. your first move here should have been taking an uber home. calling someone 22 times in a row should be reserved for emergencies only. and calling friends after midnight over a minor inconvenience is totally innapropriate. you could have 100% solved this non-emergency situation yourself. but you decided to make it everyone else's problem.	nta. this is a weird one. i didn’t realize so many people would be okay with their spouse being out of reach (unless it was something you both knew about ahead of time). the recent aita about the dude whose fiancé was mia for nine hours - he was quite right (from all replies) to flip because he couldn’t get in touch, but this person shouldn’t be mad, because… i don’t know. if i were stranded somewhere and tried to call my partner and they ignored me, i’d be upset too. i’d also point out to them that if i had been calling for an emergency - say i was hospitalized and trying to get ahold of them - they would’ve missed my call, and that going forward they need to be more responsible about it. but that’s an expectation for me, not you. if your spouse didn’t know you expected support…	nah people here responding telling op to call 911 if it was an emergency don’t get the point. the point is that op’s partner was unable to be contacted. if there had been an emergency and emergency services were calling and calling, he still wouldn’t have answered. that is what op means when they worry about him not responding during an emergency. op was not saying their partner should act as emergency services. on the other side, her husband didn’t do it intentionally. there wasn’t malice here. everyone is so mad in the comments. take a break, guys.	yta. you took one moment where everything was stacked against your husband that he didn’t hear his phone go off, ignored his reasonable explanation, and jumped to “you’re unreliable in an emergency.” that’s not a reasonable way to talk through a conflict	yta. this wasn't an emergency...so you woke him up after midnight to yell at him for not waking up? charming. what was so bad about waiting until morning to speak to him and ask he recheck his settings? not sure why you preferred to stew on your way home and start an argument at an ungodly hour over a mistake you made. you forgot your keys. you could have called an uber and gone back to your work eith spare keys if you really wanted to.	yta. i don’t think i know a single person who has ever put their phone on silent who hasn’t at one point forgotten they’ve done so. it happens. also you do not call people 22 times for ‘forgotten keys’, especially not after midnight. emergency’s after midnight are for the emergency services. if it’s not for the emergency’s services then it’s not a true emergency. you had your phone and the means to pay for a ride home. it was never an emergency, merely an inconvenience that you caused yourself.	you. must. chill. seriously. you called him 22 times?!?! you’re still mad two weeks later? that’s excessive. why did you even call him to pick you up in the first place when you could have uber’d? knowing he was asleep? that’s pretty inconsiderate. you want him to be concerned about you, but you weren’t concerned about him - you literally wanted to wake him up to do what an uber could (and did) do for you. please try to think about other people, and get a hold of your anger. 22 times. how are you not embarrassed?	yta he did not ignore your call, it was not an emergency, and now you can have a discussion about your expectations when you are out of the house and he is sleeping.	YTA	YTA	YTA	NTA	NAH	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	0.111464	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: a couple of weeks ago i accidentally left my car keys in my uniform pants at work, and left my pants in my locker (i don’t wear my uniform home for multiple reasons. i just bring it home to wash - i have 2) i realized when i got to the subway station, where i’d parked, that i’d left my keys back at work - a half hour train ride and no guarantee i’d be able to get back in the building (it was after midnight). i called my husband to ask him to bring me the spare key. twenty-two times. i tried my son, but he was asleep (he’s 19 and has a car) and didn’t wake up when i called a second time. and i tried a friend. i didn’t want to call too many people because again, it was after midnight. i kept calling my husband hoping eventually he’d hear his phone. i wound up taking an uber home. i needed to go get my car because they ticket after 2 am usually. so, when i got home, and i was pretty upset that i’d called 22 times and he hadn’t answered. i continued trying to call him the whole way home in the uber. when i got home, i went inside and up to the bedroom and woke him up. i was pissed that had this been a serious emergency, i wouldn’t have been able to get through to him. he kept saying he had my number in his “favourites” so that if i called twice, the second time it would go through. but he had the phone on silent! and then put it on top of something soft. so he didn’t hear it vibrating. he complained that i was mad at him for something i did. i replied that no, i was mad at me for forgetting my keys. that was 100% on me. i was mad at him for not having his phone on and that he’s unreliable in an emergency, which thankfully, this wasn’t a huge one. so, aita for waking him up and being pissed that i couldn’t reach him in what wasn’t a big emergency, but what if it had been?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> a couple of weeks ago i accidentally left my car keys in my uniform pants at work, and left my pants in my locker (i don’t wear my uniform home for multiple reasons. i just bring it home to wash - i have 2) i realized when i got to the subway station, where i’d parked, that i’d left my keys back at work - a half hour train ride and no guarantee i’d be able to get back in the building (it was after midnight). i called my husband to ask him to bring me the spare key. twenty-two times. i tried my son, but he was asleep (he’s 19 and has a car) and didn’t wake up when i called a second time. and i tried a friend. i didn’t want to call too many people because again, it was after midnight. i kept calling my husband hoping eventually he’d hear his phone. i wound up taking an uber home. i needed to go get my car because they ticket after 2 am usually. so, when i got home, and i was pretty upset that i’d called 22 times and he hadn’t answered. i continued trying to call him the whole way home in the uber. when i got home, i went inside and up to the bedroom and woke him up. i was pissed that had this been a serious emergency, i wouldn’t have been able to get through to him. he kept saying he had my number in his “favourites” so that if i called twice, the second time it would go through. but he had the phone on silent! and then put it on top of something soft. so he didn’t hear it vibrating. he complained that i was mad at him for something i did. i replied that no, i was mad at me for forgetting my keys. that was 100% on me. i was mad at him for not having his phone on and that he’s unreliable in an emergency, which thankfully, this wasn’t a huge one. so, aita for waking him up and being pissed that i couldn’t reach him in what wasn’t a big emergency, but what if it had been? [/INST] yta. he's right: your mad at him for something you did. him having his phone in silent was an accident, just like you forgetting your keys. no one except you did anything to you here. </s>
AITA for ruining my sister’s wedding dress shopping experience?	i [28f] got married to my wife [34f] last year and received a very lukewarm response from my parents. i come from a super religious christian family and i don’t think my parents expected that i would be with a woman. they knew i was liberal and an lgbt ally, but i had only ever dated men. when i told them i was marrying a woman (via text) their reaction wasn’t exactly positive but it also wasn’t negative. my mom just replied “oh, you’re getting married?” and my dad just said “oh ok.” despite our differences in opinions, my mom did agree to help me plan the wedding and my dad agreed to walk me down the aisle. my mom went dress shopping with me but didn’t offer any opinions. she just agreed with what ever i liked (flowers, cake, dress, decorations, etc.) but offered to chip in financially. she wasn’t rude about anything, but i could tell at times that she was faking her enthusiasm to please me. the wedding was the best day of my life even though it hurt that my grandparents refused to attend for religious reasons (i used to be close to them). fast forward to now and my sister [24f] is marrying her fiancé [27m] in april. once she told us that she was engaged, my parents were so excited. i have overheard my mom offering opinions on the wedding details. it hurts because she was so disconnected from my wedding planning. my dad also cried when my sister talked about her wedding itinerary and mentioned that he’d be walking her down the aisle. when i asked him to walk me down the aisle he agreed, but he didn’t show much emotion besides a small smile. i just feel so cheated and yet i feel like i don’t have any right to feel this way. my parents accepted me despite their beliefs and i’m grateful for that and how nice they are to my wife, but i feel like i missed out on the full wedding planning experience because they weren’t excited that i was marrying a woman. it hurts me so much every time my dad talks about hanging out with my sisters’ fiancé and how emotional he gets when he talks about her getting married and what a huge milestone it is for the family. i feel like my parents are proud when they think about my sister’s marriage but they aren’t proud of me for mine. recently i went wedding dress shopping with my sister and i snapped at and said that all of the dresses looked the same because she and our mom wouldn’t stop debating about some details in the dress style for a few of her choices. my sister seemed upset by that and i apologized to her, but i sarcastically told my mom “i don’t think you were this interested in my wedding dress.” my mom then got upset and started crying, saying that she really tried hard to help with my wedding and to come to every planning appointment and offering to pay just to make me happy. i immediately felt horrible that both my mom and sister are now in tears in the bridal shop and i’ve ruined the wedding dress shopping experience for my sister. aita?	3,360	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r0f3fa/aita_for_ruining_my_sisters_wedding_dress/	2021-11-23 15:00:23	yta. not your sister's fault. if you had issues with your parents, you should've found time to address them with them. you owe your sister an apology.	yta i never read anything about how your sister treated you before, during, after the wedding. so i am hoping it was with loving arms. your parents did not even know you were bi / gay. you just texted them you were getting married to a woman. you skipped a few steps - coming out, letting your wife meet the family etc. usually these steps help some people get over their initial reactions. your outburst (which again you helped to create by skipping steps) was just built up against your mother and unfortunately your sister was in the middle of it.	esh (except sister) clearly. you need to work out your issues with your mother separately. tell your sister, "i have unresolved issues with mom about how they approached my wedding, but it was wrong of me to use your time on that. i will not do it again. also, i'm really happy for you and i want everything to be beautiful and perfect for you. completely my fault, i hope you can forgive me." then you are the nicest sister you can imagine being from now on. and you also need to set aside time for mom and dad to let them know how you feel about this. and also ask them if they see the distinction.	info: had your parents met your now wife or known about her before you announced via text that you were getting married? *	yta. your sister will never get that wedding dress shopping experience back. you ruined it for her, forever. at this point, because of your actions, your experience was the better one. you ruined hers solely because she was getting a better one than you. you were happy with your experience until she got a better one than you. how petty!	yta ? yes. you purposefully ruined her wedding shopping because your mom wasn't interested in yours. she tried her best to support you but you burnt the bridge. they aren't obligated to support you, they went against their beliefs to make you happy yet here you are. apologize to them, all of them	yta - you're getting upset because your parents are excited about your sister's wedding and decided to be ms poopy pants about it and make a stink during the dress shopping. you purposely made a comment to hurt your mom. and your sister's experience is worse for it because you have a chip on your shoulder. >it hurts me so much every time my dad talks about hanging out with my sisters’ fiancé maybe dad just has more in common with him? >i feel like my parents are proud when they think about my sister’s marriage but they aren’t proud of me for mine. have they said that? have they showed that? they were at the wedding, they participated, they helped pay, they treat you and your wife with respect, they accept you. >i feel like i don’t have any right to feel this way. bingo.	i feel really bad for you and for your parents to be honest; this is one of the circumstances where no one wins. i don’t say that as i sympathise with your parents views by the way. they have tried to support you, are kind to your wife but when it really comes down to it, they just don’t see your wedding and marriage as the same and as ‘legitimate’ as your sisters. and you can’t control peoples feelings or police their thoughts no matter how unfair they are - you have the right to be respected, your wife to be treated fairly and treated with equality to your sister and it sounds like you have been no more and no less, it’s impossible to insist that their emotional response is also exactly as you would wish. i wish it was easier for you and yta for taking that out on your sister, it’s not her fault. but i can imagine how tough it is and i am heart sorry for you	yta, it sounds like your family is rather religious and conservative and your parents have handled you marrying a woman very well. it also sounds like you didn't tell them you were dating a woman until you announced you were getting married through text. did you just expect your parents to not be at least a little surprised or shocked at this news and have issues getting into your wedding planning? maybe if you hadn't of hidden who you were then just expected them to immediately accept it and be thrilled and excited for you because you decided to get married they would have had a different response. there was no reason for you take out your issues with who you are and you lack of maturity with handling it on your sister.	sadly i have to say, yeah you kind of are your parents worked probably very hard in accepting you and at least tried to help you with your wedding. your sister doesn't deserve getting snapped at either, she didn't do anything wrong. i know it sucks hard, that she gets more attention because she has a straight marriage but you should consider that your parents stood against their beliefs to support you, which is probably very big for them.	YTA	YTA	ESH	INFO	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	0.009259	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i [28f] got married to my wife [34f] last year and received a very lukewarm response from my parents. i come from a super religious christian family and i don’t think my parents expected that i would be with a woman. they knew i was liberal and an lgbt ally, but i had only ever dated men. when i told them i was marrying a woman (via text) their reaction wasn’t exactly positive but it also wasn’t negative. my mom just replied “oh, you’re getting married?” and my dad just said “oh ok.” despite our differences in opinions, my mom did agree to help me plan the wedding and my dad agreed to walk me down the aisle. my mom went dress shopping with me but didn’t offer any opinions. she just agreed with what ever i liked (flowers, cake, dress, decorations, etc.) but offered to chip in financially. she wasn’t rude about anything, but i could tell at times that she was faking her enthusiasm to please me. the wedding was the best day of my life even though it hurt that my grandparents refused to attend for religious reasons (i used to be close to them). fast forward to now and my sister [24f] is marrying her fiancé [27m] in april. once she told us that she was engaged, my parents were so excited. i have overheard my mom offering opinions on the wedding details. it hurts because she was so disconnected from my wedding planning. my dad also cried when my sister talked about her wedding itinerary and mentioned that he’d be walking her down the aisle. when i asked him to walk me down the aisle he agreed, but he didn’t show much emotion besides a small smile. i just feel so cheated and yet i feel like i don’t have any right to feel this way. my parents accepted me despite their beliefs and i’m grateful for that and how nice they are to my wife, but i feel like i missed out on the full wedding planning experience because they weren’t excited that i was marrying a woman. it hurts me so much every time my dad talks about hanging out with my sisters’ fiancé and how emotional he gets when he talks about her getting married and what a huge milestone it is for the family. i feel like my parents are proud when they think about my sister’s marriage but they aren’t proud of me for mine. recently i went wedding dress shopping with my sister and i snapped at and said that all of the dresses looked the same because she and our mom wouldn’t stop debating about some details in the dress style for a few of her choices. my sister seemed upset by that and i apologized to her, but i sarcastically told my mom “i don’t think you were this interested in my wedding dress.” my mom then got upset and started crying, saying that she really tried hard to help with my wedding and to come to every planning appointment and offering to pay just to make me happy. i immediately felt horrible that both my mom and sister are now in tears in the bridal shop and i’ve ruined the wedding dress shopping experience for my sister. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i [28f] got married to my wife [34f] last year and received a very lukewarm response from my parents. i come from a super religious christian family and i don’t think my parents expected that i would be with a woman. they knew i was liberal and an lgbt ally, but i had only ever dated men. when i told them i was marrying a woman (via text) their reaction wasn’t exactly positive but it also wasn’t negative. my mom just replied “oh, you’re getting married?” and my dad just said “oh ok.” despite our differences in opinions, my mom did agree to help me plan the wedding and my dad agreed to walk me down the aisle. my mom went dress shopping with me but didn’t offer any opinions. she just agreed with what ever i liked (flowers, cake, dress, decorations, etc.) but offered to chip in financially. she wasn’t rude about anything, but i could tell at times that she was faking her enthusiasm to please me. the wedding was the best day of my life even though it hurt that my grandparents refused to attend for religious reasons (i used to be close to them). fast forward to now and my sister [24f] is marrying her fiancé [27m] in april. once she told us that she was engaged, my parents were so excited. i have overheard my mom offering opinions on the wedding details. it hurts because she was so disconnected from my wedding planning. my dad also cried when my sister talked about her wedding itinerary and mentioned that he’d be walking her down the aisle. when i asked him to walk me down the aisle he agreed, but he didn’t show much emotion besides a small smile. i just feel so cheated and yet i feel like i don’t have any right to feel this way. my parents accepted me despite their beliefs and i’m grateful for that and how nice they are to my wife, but i feel like i missed out on the full wedding planning experience because they weren’t excited that i was marrying a woman. it hurts me so much every time my dad talks about hanging out with my sisters’ fiancé and how emotional he gets when he talks about her getting married and what a huge milestone it is for the family. i feel like my parents are proud when they think about my sister’s marriage but they aren’t proud of me for mine. recently i went wedding dress shopping with my sister and i snapped at and said that all of the dresses looked the same because she and our mom wouldn’t stop debating about some details in the dress style for a few of her choices. my sister seemed upset by that and i apologized to her, but i sarcastically told my mom “i don’t think you were this interested in my wedding dress.” my mom then got upset and started crying, saying that she really tried hard to help with my wedding and to come to every planning appointment and offering to pay just to make me happy. i immediately felt horrible that both my mom and sister are now in tears in the bridal shop and i’ve ruined the wedding dress shopping experience for my sister. aita? [/INST] yta. not your sister's fault. if you had issues with your parents, you should've found time to address them with them. you owe your sister an apology. </s>
Aita For leaving in an Uber after my engagement party?	my fiance and i got engaged a week ago, it was an absolute disaster, i never wanted a party but my fiance's mom insisted, and wanted to have the engagement party at a restuarant that is expensive (to me) and made my fiance pull money out of his saving accaunt to buy a house just so she could show herself off to her family, she: • picked a restaurant of her choice • invited her whole family while i was only allowed to invite mom & dad • she didn't even order meals until later, because she was arguing about how her favorites weren't on the menu • lied to my parents about food and said in her invitation “join us in celebrating jake and sarah's engagement with desserts and champagne” only!. • she said "no kids" but brought sil's kids with her. she sat in the middle, next to my fiance, and they were both having a toast without me, i was feeling so uncomfertable and super pissed that i couldn't even hide it. my parents were the first to leave, they were upset, can't blame them, it was awful. we were about to leave, my mother in law wanted us to give her a ride home because bil left with his cousin, my fiance said “sure” next thing i knew, she got into the passenger seat, sil tagged along and stuffed her kids in the back where i supposed to sit, i found this so damn inappropriate and humiliating, i asked my fiance if he was serious, i told him i belonged in the passenger seat, but mother in law said i was being disrespectful and refused to sit in the back, and threw some comments at me. i lost it, literally called an uber and told them to go, my fiance lashed out and called me crazy and told me to get in the car because i was embarrassing him, we yelled at each other, he refused to leave, i got in my uber as they watched and went to my parents, cried my eyes out, and refused to answer my phone. to spare myself the shaming. it was awful, awful so awful that i regret not leaving early, i hate them all, they're treating me like trash and i've had it. i'm 24 and my fiance is 27. edit to clearify that (1 she took some of our savings for a new house and spent it on the party (2 she sat in the passenger seat and wanted me to sit in the back. my fiance took her side and said i was embarrassing him.	25,588	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ilwc99/aita_for_leaving_in_an_uber_after_my_engagement/	2020-09-03 16:06:27	nta. why would you marry someone who allows his family to treat you this way? sounds like he’s more interested in his relationship with his mother anyway.	the party was for the love of your fiance's life. the problem: that person isn't you. nta obviously, and you need to evaluate whether this is something you want to have governing your life going forward, because it will not stop. your possibly future mil is making sure that you know your place in the hierarchy, and if she's the most important person at \your engagement party\, it's not going to change.	nta. and husband-to-be didn't back you up at all. honey, it's not too late to change your mind!	🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 do not marry him nta	nta. it sounds like your fiance has a mama's boy complex. and please don't be one of those women who think that marrying him will make him shape up and be better about compartmentalizing his relationship with his mother. nope. she'll be the 3rd person in your marriage. it's going to be a 3-way marriage with you as the least priority.	nta- this is what your marriage will look like. it will not get better. you are under no obligation to go through with it. you do not have to suffer being treated like trash then acting grateful for it. they are doing you a favor and warning you before it's too late. take their warning.	nta. the real problem here is your fiancé, who allowed his mother to literally put you in the back seat. his mother is flexing her “i’m still the most important woman in my son’s life” muscles by dictating how he spends his savings, who he sits with, and, crucially, whether her happiness and comfort is more important than yours. but, his mother wouldn’t be able to flex that strength if your fiancé didn’t allow her to have it. during dinner, and probably still, she was the more important woman to him. i had to deal with something similar. it almost ended my marriage. the reason we’re still together is my husband eventually realized that i was more important to him than his mother. part of making amends for that was a conversation with his mom: ”this situation made my wife feel awful. it’s threatened our marriage, and i’m never, ever going to allow you to threaten our marriage again.“ that was just the start. it took me another six months to a year to fully forgive him; but i now have full confidence it won’t happen again. he knows it can’t if he wants to remain married. when someone tells you that you are not important to them, you should listen. feel free to pm if you want to talk. good luck.	you’re definitely nta. you handled this situation a lot better than i would have. you said at the end that the whole family was treating you like trash and that you’ve had it. so i assume this has been going on a long time. based on your fiancés actions in this situation, two things seem clear to me. 1 - he’s close with his family (especially his mom), so you’re probably going to be around these people a lot. it’s not like it’s an occasional visit or holiday which may be tolerable. it seems like you genuinely will be marrying his family if you marry him. and they’ll likely continue to act this way. 2 - your fiancé does not respect you. i don’t see that he stepped in anywhere in the planning or during the party to tell his mother she wasn’t including you in a party about your engagement. the end result with riding home speaks for itself as well. it sounds like you’re in a toxic environment. i would seriously reconsider your relationship. think about how hurt you are now. can you imagine dealing with this regularly over years?	wait wait wait, this woman insisted on throwing you an engagement party/dinner and then made you pay for it? nta the fact that your fiance was on her side here is very concerning.	nta. here's a brief overview of what marrying him is going to be like: your wedding will be planned by her. you will not get a say in anything. you might be able to pick your dress, but whatever you pick will not be good enough. do not be surprised if she shows up in white. your reception will be all about her. she will make a toast that will creepily sound like it's her wedding to her son, not yours. she will ignore you throughout the entire night, unless it's to look good for someone else. your first child will be named after her or someone important in her family. you might get a say in the middle name, though i doubt it. she will demand to be at the birth. any birthing plans you make will get tossed. raising your kids will always be wrong. even if you and your husband agreed on things beforehand, she will steamroll you about everything. obviously she is a better mother, look how her son turned out. any problems in the marriage? your fault. your husband is a saint. he cheats? your fault. he works too much? your fault. he doesn't help with kids? your fault. she will literally control you, your life and your kids through your husband. she's a master manipulater, and she plays dirty. she will get her way with your fiance every.single.time. you do not matter. only her and her son matter. i can not stress enough how you need to get out of that relationship as quickly as possible and not look back.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my fiance and i got engaged a week ago, it was an absolute disaster, i never wanted a party but my fiance's mom insisted, and wanted to have the engagement party at a restuarant that is expensive (to me) and made my fiance pull money out of his saving accaunt to buy a house just so she could show herself off to her family, she: • picked a restaurant of her choice • invited her whole family while i was only allowed to invite mom & dad • she didn't even order meals until later, because she was arguing about how her favorites weren't on the menu • lied to my parents about food and said in her invitation “join us in celebrating jake and sarah's engagement with desserts and champagne” only!. • she said "no kids" but brought sil's kids with her. she sat in the middle, next to my fiance, and they were both having a toast without me, i was feeling so uncomfertable and super pissed that i couldn't even hide it. my parents were the first to leave, they were upset, can't blame them, it was awful. we were about to leave, my mother in law wanted us to give her a ride home because bil left with his cousin, my fiance said “sure” next thing i knew, she got into the passenger seat, sil tagged along and stuffed her kids in the back where i supposed to sit, i found this so damn inappropriate and humiliating, i asked my fiance if he was serious, i told him i belonged in the passenger seat, but mother in law said i was being disrespectful and refused to sit in the back, and threw some comments at me. i lost it, literally called an uber and told them to go, my fiance lashed out and called me crazy and told me to get in the car because i was embarrassing him, we yelled at each other, he refused to leave, i got in my uber as they watched and went to my parents, cried my eyes out, and refused to answer my phone. to spare myself the shaming. it was awful, awful so awful that i regret not leaving early, i hate them all, they're treating me like trash and i've had it. i'm 24 and my fiance is 27. edit to clearify that (1 she took some of our savings for a new house and spent it on the party (2 she sat in the passenger seat and wanted me to sit in the back. my fiance took her side and said i was embarrassing him.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my fiance and i got engaged a week ago, it was an absolute disaster, i never wanted a party but my fiance's mom insisted, and wanted to have the engagement party at a restuarant that is expensive (to me) and made my fiance pull money out of his saving accaunt to buy a house just so she could show herself off to her family, she: • picked a restaurant of her choice • invited her whole family while i was only allowed to invite mom & dad • she didn't even order meals until later, because she was arguing about how her favorites weren't on the menu • lied to my parents about food and said in her invitation “join us in celebrating jake and sarah's engagement with desserts and champagne” only!. • she said "no kids" but brought sil's kids with her. she sat in the middle, next to my fiance, and they were both having a toast without me, i was feeling so uncomfertable and super pissed that i couldn't even hide it. my parents were the first to leave, they were upset, can't blame them, it was awful. we were about to leave, my mother in law wanted us to give her a ride home because bil left with his cousin, my fiance said “sure” next thing i knew, she got into the passenger seat, sil tagged along and stuffed her kids in the back where i supposed to sit, i found this so damn inappropriate and humiliating, i asked my fiance if he was serious, i told him i belonged in the passenger seat, but mother in law said i was being disrespectful and refused to sit in the back, and threw some comments at me. i lost it, literally called an uber and told them to go, my fiance lashed out and called me crazy and told me to get in the car because i was embarrassing him, we yelled at each other, he refused to leave, i got in my uber as they watched and went to my parents, cried my eyes out, and refused to answer my phone. to spare myself the shaming. it was awful, awful so awful that i regret not leaving early, i hate them all, they're treating me like trash and i've had it. i'm 24 and my fiance is 27. edit to clearify that (1 she took some of our savings for a new house and spent it on the party (2 she sat in the passenger seat and wanted me to sit in the back. my fiance took her side and said i was embarrassing him. [/INST] nta. why would you marry someone who allows his family to treat you this way? sounds like he’s more interested in his relationship with his mother anyway. </s>
AITA for pressing charges?	my cousin turned 18 recently. she’s in high school. she doesn’t have a car, and during her birthday weekend, thought her parents were going to buy her one. they didn’t get her one and she was pretty upset. i should note that i’m not very close with my cousin. or the rest of my extended family for that matter. i only heard about this through the grapevine from my dad. anyway my cousin texts me on the friday before her birthday asking if she can take my car (i just leased a new ford escape) to the mall and then for an out of town road trip with her friends over the weekend. i tell her no. she begs and pleads with me. i tell her no again. my car is for me to drive and for me only. if she wants her own car she can save up and buy one. she calls me a bitch and says that i ruined her birthday and that she’s embarrassed because her friends think she got a car for her birthday and she doesn’t have one. i don’t respond to her and think nothing of it. the weekend comes and i sleep in very late on that saturday, waking up at 1:00 pm (don’t judge lol). even though my car is parked in my driveway and my gate is closed, i come to realize that someone egged and tp’d my car. with many, many eggs and 5-6 rolls of tp. and since the weather was warm outside, the raw egg baked into my car, along with the dried up toilet paper, destroying the paint. since i have security cameras around my house, i decide to go back and watch. at around nine thirtyish that morning, i see my cousin and a bunch of her stupid friends vandalizing my car. i’m surprise she didn’t smash the windows and poke holes in the tires too. to save my post from the 3000 character limit, i obviously pressed charges and my cousin is in legal trouble. her and her parents are pissed off at me for pressing charges, her parents telling me that she’s “just a kid” and that she’s been through a lot of ‘emotional stress’ doing virtual schooling for this past year and that i should take that into consideration, and that i should be ashamed of myself for pressing legal charges against my baby cousin, that i’m almost 30 and dont i remember what i was like at that age? (i do remember, and i wasn’t stupid enough to egg anyone’s car) and can’t she work something out with me like doing chores around my house for money if i drop the charges... that she’s young, that she doesn’t need a felony on her record, etc. and that it was just a prank. right after i press charges, my cousin was calling and texting me over and over saying that this could’ve been avoided had i let her take my car. am i the asshole in this situation? i need to add that my cousin already has a felony on her record, a dui. she’s not remorseful of anything. also, my aunt and uncle will not pay me for the damages. they just want me to drop the charges and pay for everything myself like nothing happened. they are cheap.	26,063	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jn5elo/aita_for_pressing_charges/	2020-11-03 06:26:22	nta. sure, you could have spoken with them first before pressing charges, but that last sentence was very telling. that she would text you and basically retroactively threaten you to let her take the car or she’d vandalize it says a lot about her character, and she’d probably have charges pressed against her at some point in the future anyway. hopefully she learns a lesson to avoid that happening again. also, chores around the house to make up for it? it’s called community service ordered by the judge.	nta please update us as well, i wanna hear her suffering the consequences of her actions.	nta i was "just a kid" once and didn't egg anything. also, ruined paint on a vehicle isn't something one works off with chores. it's something one gets a job and pays for with money.	nta. your cousin is a gaping asshole for blaming you, and her parents are assholes for enabling her bs. press charges and make her pay for the damage.	nta she's 18 and is an adult. if she's going to act like that she can deal with the consequences.	she lied to her friends, refused to accept no for an answer, trespassed and committed vandalism and property damage.....and you are the asshole??..... i'm trying desperately to understand that leap..... anyone else??	nta. she's not "just a kid". she's old enough to understand action = consequences.	nta. she decided to do something criminal because you said “no” and her parents are trying to enable her. her excuse is... well if you didn’t say no i wouldn’t have done it? no. you are not to blame for this.	nta - and the fact that she's blaming you because you refused to lend her the car says that her parents have been running interference for her entitled behavior for too long. she's 18, she's a legal adult - play stupid games, win stupid prizes.	nta. and with how enabling her parents are, i am genuinely surprised they didn’t get her a car.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my cousin turned 18 recently. she’s in high school. she doesn’t have a car, and during her birthday weekend, thought her parents were going to buy her one. they didn’t get her one and she was pretty upset. i should note that i’m not very close with my cousin. or the rest of my extended family for that matter. i only heard about this through the grapevine from my dad. anyway my cousin texts me on the friday before her birthday asking if she can take my car (i just leased a new ford escape) to the mall and then for an out of town road trip with her friends over the weekend. i tell her no. she begs and pleads with me. i tell her no again. my car is for me to drive and for me only. if she wants her own car she can save up and buy one. she calls me a bitch and says that i ruined her birthday and that she’s embarrassed because her friends think she got a car for her birthday and she doesn’t have one. i don’t respond to her and think nothing of it. the weekend comes and i sleep in very late on that saturday, waking up at 1:00 pm (don’t judge lol). even though my car is parked in my driveway and my gate is closed, i come to realize that someone egged and tp’d my car. with many, many eggs and 5-6 rolls of tp. and since the weather was warm outside, the raw egg baked into my car, along with the dried up toilet paper, destroying the paint. since i have security cameras around my house, i decide to go back and watch. at around nine thirtyish that morning, i see my cousin and a bunch of her stupid friends vandalizing my car. i’m surprise she didn’t smash the windows and poke holes in the tires too. to save my post from the 3000 character limit, i obviously pressed charges and my cousin is in legal trouble. her and her parents are pissed off at me for pressing charges, her parents telling me that she’s “just a kid” and that she’s been through a lot of ‘emotional stress’ doing virtual schooling for this past year and that i should take that into consideration, and that i should be ashamed of myself for pressing legal charges against my baby cousin, that i’m almost 30 and dont i remember what i was like at that age? (i do remember, and i wasn’t stupid enough to egg anyone’s car) and can’t she work something out with me like doing chores around my house for money if i drop the charges... that she’s young, that she doesn’t need a felony on her record, etc. and that it was just a prank. right after i press charges, my cousin was calling and texting me over and over saying that this could’ve been avoided had i let her take my car. am i the asshole in this situation? i need to add that my cousin already has a felony on her record, a dui. she’s not remorseful of anything. also, my aunt and uncle will not pay me for the damages. they just want me to drop the charges and pay for everything myself like nothing happened. they are cheap.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my cousin turned 18 recently. she’s in high school. she doesn’t have a car, and during her birthday weekend, thought her parents were going to buy her one. they didn’t get her one and she was pretty upset. i should note that i’m not very close with my cousin. or the rest of my extended family for that matter. i only heard about this through the grapevine from my dad. anyway my cousin texts me on the friday before her birthday asking if she can take my car (i just leased a new ford escape) to the mall and then for an out of town road trip with her friends over the weekend. i tell her no. she begs and pleads with me. i tell her no again. my car is for me to drive and for me only. if she wants her own car she can save up and buy one. she calls me a bitch and says that i ruined her birthday and that she’s embarrassed because her friends think she got a car for her birthday and she doesn’t have one. i don’t respond to her and think nothing of it. the weekend comes and i sleep in very late on that saturday, waking up at 1:00 pm (don’t judge lol). even though my car is parked in my driveway and my gate is closed, i come to realize that someone egged and tp’d my car. with many, many eggs and 5-6 rolls of tp. and since the weather was warm outside, the raw egg baked into my car, along with the dried up toilet paper, destroying the paint. since i have security cameras around my house, i decide to go back and watch. at around nine thirtyish that morning, i see my cousin and a bunch of her stupid friends vandalizing my car. i’m surprise she didn’t smash the windows and poke holes in the tires too. to save my post from the 3000 character limit, i obviously pressed charges and my cousin is in legal trouble. her and her parents are pissed off at me for pressing charges, her parents telling me that she’s “just a kid” and that she’s been through a lot of ‘emotional stress’ doing virtual schooling for this past year and that i should take that into consideration, and that i should be ashamed of myself for pressing legal charges against my baby cousin, that i’m almost 30 and dont i remember what i was like at that age? (i do remember, and i wasn’t stupid enough to egg anyone’s car) and can’t she work something out with me like doing chores around my house for money if i drop the charges... that she’s young, that she doesn’t need a felony on her record, etc. and that it was just a prank. right after i press charges, my cousin was calling and texting me over and over saying that this could’ve been avoided had i let her take my car. am i the asshole in this situation? i need to add that my cousin already has a felony on her record, a dui. she’s not remorseful of anything. also, my aunt and uncle will not pay me for the damages. they just want me to drop the charges and pay for everything myself like nothing happened. they are cheap. [/INST] nta. sure, you could have spoken with them first before pressing charges, but that last sentence was very telling. that she would text you and basically retroactively threaten you to let her take the car or she’d vandalize it says a lot about her character, and she’d probably have charges pressed against her at some point in the future anyway. hopefully she learns a lesson to avoid that happening again. also, chores around the house to make up for it? it’s called community service ordered by the judge. </s>
AITA for confronting a woman for staring at my husband on the train?	this happened yesterday. i was on my way to the mall with my husband and toddler. there was this woman standing near us on the train that kept looking at my husband. it seemed to me like she was checking him out. our entire ride lasted about 20-25 minutes and she was looking at him almost the entire time. my husband didn’t seem to notice but he’s oblivious when it comes to things like that. the woman got off at the same stop that we did. at this stop you have to walk up to the top platform to exit. and by this time i’m watching the woman as well. and she still keeps looking! at this point i’m convinced she’s trying to make eye contact. when we all got up the stairs i decided to say something. my husband had my daughter in his arms and i asked him if he could go refill our metro card. while he was occupied, i walked up to the woman and asked why she kept staring at my husband. she goes “oh i wasn’t. i was just zoned out”. i can’t remember my exact phrasing but i basically said “well you should probably watch how you stare at men when they’re out with their families.” after that i just walked off. i have this bad tendency to replay situations over and over so i’ve been thinking about that incident again this morning. some opinions on whether i was in the wrong would be much appreciated. *	3,922	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/c19z1b/aita_for_confronting_a_woman_for_staring_at_my/	2019-06-16 13:37:52	yta. not everyone wants to fuck your husband. relax.	[removed]	yta. leave people alone and let them zone out without having some crazy spouse chasing after them. even if she was looking, your husband didn't respond, so literally nothing was going to come of it.	yta - it’s public transportation, she made no attempt to actually initiate conversation. i think you need to work on your jealousy issues.	yta. this is such a non-issue, op. she probably didn’t realise she was doing it, the situation certainly didn’t warrant you going over to confront her like that.	yta. why are you taking your insecurity out on this woman? even if she was staring at him, he’s not gonna do anything about it. and if you think he would, her staring is not the problem.	yta you acted like a crazy, possessive, insecure, arsehole. and what, pray tell, was your plan of action if she'd gotten aggressive? thankfully, she just went on her way - no doubt dying to tell her friends about the crazy lady she encountered on the train! ^^	[removed]	yta she may have just been zoned out, and even if she wasn’t nothing she did actually hurt you in any way. maybe she thought he looked familiar and was trying to figure out if she knew him from somewhere. maybe he looked like an old friend of hers who died and she was feeling nostalgic. or maybe she thought he was hot and was enjoying the view. how does that hurt you? why cause trouble?	yta. why did you send your husband away? afraid he’d see your crazy? do it right in front of him next time. grow a pair. i’m a daydreamer and zone out a lot. i honestly don’t even realize where my eyes are sometimes because i’m somewhere else entirely in my brain.	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: this happened yesterday. i was on my way to the mall with my husband and toddler. there was this woman standing near us on the train that kept looking at my husband. it seemed to me like she was checking him out. our entire ride lasted about 20-25 minutes and she was looking at him almost the entire time. my husband didn’t seem to notice but he’s oblivious when it comes to things like that. the woman got off at the same stop that we did. at this stop you have to walk up to the top platform to exit. and by this time i’m watching the woman as well. and she still keeps looking! at this point i’m convinced she’s trying to make eye contact. when we all got up the stairs i decided to say something. my husband had my daughter in his arms and i asked him if he could go refill our metro card. while he was occupied, i walked up to the woman and asked why she kept staring at my husband. she goes “oh i wasn’t. i was just zoned out”. i can’t remember my exact phrasing but i basically said “well you should probably watch how you stare at men when they’re out with their families.” after that i just walked off. i have this bad tendency to replay situations over and over so i’ve been thinking about that incident again this morning. some opinions on whether i was in the wrong would be much appreciated. *	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> this happened yesterday. i was on my way to the mall with my husband and toddler. there was this woman standing near us on the train that kept looking at my husband. it seemed to me like she was checking him out. our entire ride lasted about 20-25 minutes and she was looking at him almost the entire time. my husband didn’t seem to notice but he’s oblivious when it comes to things like that. the woman got off at the same stop that we did. at this stop you have to walk up to the top platform to exit. and by this time i’m watching the woman as well. and she still keeps looking! at this point i’m convinced she’s trying to make eye contact. when we all got up the stairs i decided to say something. my husband had my daughter in his arms and i asked him if he could go refill our metro card. while he was occupied, i walked up to the woman and asked why she kept staring at my husband. she goes “oh i wasn’t. i was just zoned out”. i can’t remember my exact phrasing but i basically said “well you should probably watch how you stare at men when they’re out with their families.” after that i just walked off. i have this bad tendency to replay situations over and over so i’ve been thinking about that incident again this morning. some opinions on whether i was in the wrong would be much appreciated. * [/INST] yta. not everyone wants to fuck your husband. relax. </s>
AITA for refusing to apologize to my husband in writing after I cancelled all his family invitations to a Christmas celebration at our house?	tldr at bottom. so to give some context, i (f32) have been married to my husband (m39) for 4 years. i work a full time job while he does a 3 times a week night shift. we have a 2 year old and i'm 6 months pregnant. this whole drama started days ago. my husband has a large family. and on every christmas they'd gather at his father's house. my father in law passed away a year ago and this year my husband decided as the man of the family to host christmas at our house. unbeknowest to me, he sent out invitations for a 5 day christmas celebration to his entire family which are about 26 members in total. i found out about by accident and i was too shocked to react. i confronted him on it and he said i shouldn't be surprised and just get used to it because after his father's death he's now the family's "head" and all major family events will be held in our house and in his presence. i freaked out and said no this is wrong and he should've talked to me first before sending out any invitations to his family knowing i have other commitments like work and taking care of the house and our son. he said we'll manage if i took time off work but that means more workload later and it'd take away from my maternity leave. i demanded he cancel the invitations but he refused saying "over my dead body" then walked out. i ended up sending a mass text to everyone who recieved an invitation explaining that we will not be hosting christmas this year. he found out and went off on me calling my behabior outragously appalling and said that i broke his word to his family and made him look small and with no authority. i in a very strict tone replied that i didn't sign up to host a celebration and accomadate 26 people while pregnant, taking care of a toddler and working. and i don't care if he became the head of family after his father's death because it means nothing to me. he took offense to that and walked out almost crying. he later talked about how i disrespected his father and him with what i said and demanded a hand written apology for cancelling the event and for being insensitive towards him and underminning his authority infront of his family but i said no apology from me in any form and the issue is still up especially with my mil giving me a stern talk about how out of line i was for disrespecting my husband's decisions regarding the holiday celebration with family. tldr: my husband invited his family without telling me so i cancelled and he wants a formal apology. eta to put this out there he planned on sitting and telling stories of his dad while i handle everything and his family believe that as guests it's rude to ask them to help.	25,625	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r76491/aita_for_refusing_to_apologize_to_my_husband_in/	2021-12-02 12:11:23	nta... is he delusional? a written apology? what are you his servant? jesus christ, that's repulsive.	dearest husband. i am sorry that you do not consider me a partner and that you have operated under the misguided notion that i am a baby maker and child raiser that you can also task to organize, cater, and run complex and large scale family events without consultation or consideration. i apologize for allowing an environment to exist that led you to believe that making such a big decision without discussing it with me and your resulting behaviour and callous disregard for your pregnant wife could exist. rest assured that this will not continue. all the best and happy holidays. - your wife, who is going to have a nap while you cook us all dinner. nta	unless your husband was planning on doing all the cooking, hosting, entertaining and taking care of the kids, nta!! i would seriously probably leave my husband if he spoke to me like this or acted this way. you’re the one doing everything, if anything, you’re the man of the family now. you work, take care of the kids, run the house, you’re the one who has the authority. not him. and he comes from a family who thinks the same stupid stuff. i also probably would have carried on as life as usual and let him deal with the fallout of having to cook and entertain, as he gave you no notice and you have a job and a life. i’d show up home every day like a guest. lol. seriously this man and his family are raising your children with the same mentality. consider whether you want your kids to be like them. if you want to continue to endure this wild behavior. you can walk away and leave him to it.	leave him for the love of god. do you want to raise your kids with this man? have them see him disrespect you like this? a written apology ffs, you are not his bloody staff. nta nta nta	nta- but your husband is ah. wtf was he thinking? he needs to apologize to you.	>made him look small and with no authority >underminning his authority infront of his family so he is straight up saying that he should have authority over you. i think there needs to be a larger discussion about expectations about your marriage and life in general. nta.	you work full time, have a toddler, and you are pregnant. he expects you to not go to work which will impact your maternity leave with your new baby so that you can host 26 people for almost a week??? nope! you did the right thing! no real man would have invited that many people without consulting his wife first. no real man would expect his pregnant working wife to do all that! the only other thing you could have done was let him do everything on his own. he could do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, and entertaining for you and his guests. let him do everything while you rest in bed. what he did was wrong!	i read ‘5 day christmas celebration for 26 members in total’ and i started screaming in my own head . it doesn’t matter if he even did all the work; that’s not something you pull the trigger on without consulting your partner. you’re pregnant, working partner who is already caring for a toddler the fact that he expected you to do all the work blows me away. his reaction to expecting ‘you to get over it’, blows me away. his mother’s reaction blows me away. and his insistence on a handwritten apology blows me away. like, this is so egregious i don’t even have the words. nta	nta. reinvite everyone and then take your kid to a hotel for the duration. he can entertain his family by himself if he thinks that's so important.	info : did husband offer to handle hosting responsibilities?	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	INFO	0.00388	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: tldr at bottom. so to give some context, i (f32) have been married to my husband (m39) for 4 years. i work a full time job while he does a 3 times a week night shift. we have a 2 year old and i'm 6 months pregnant. this whole drama started days ago. my husband has a large family. and on every christmas they'd gather at his father's house. my father in law passed away a year ago and this year my husband decided as the man of the family to host christmas at our house. unbeknowest to me, he sent out invitations for a 5 day christmas celebration to his entire family which are about 26 members in total. i found out about by accident and i was too shocked to react. i confronted him on it and he said i shouldn't be surprised and just get used to it because after his father's death he's now the family's "head" and all major family events will be held in our house and in his presence. i freaked out and said no this is wrong and he should've talked to me first before sending out any invitations to his family knowing i have other commitments like work and taking care of the house and our son. he said we'll manage if i took time off work but that means more workload later and it'd take away from my maternity leave. i demanded he cancel the invitations but he refused saying "over my dead body" then walked out. i ended up sending a mass text to everyone who recieved an invitation explaining that we will not be hosting christmas this year. he found out and went off on me calling my behabior outragously appalling and said that i broke his word to his family and made him look small and with no authority. i in a very strict tone replied that i didn't sign up to host a celebration and accomadate 26 people while pregnant, taking care of a toddler and working. and i don't care if he became the head of family after his father's death because it means nothing to me. he took offense to that and walked out almost crying. he later talked about how i disrespected his father and him with what i said and demanded a hand written apology for cancelling the event and for being insensitive towards him and underminning his authority infront of his family but i said no apology from me in any form and the issue is still up especially with my mil giving me a stern talk about how out of line i was for disrespecting my husband's decisions regarding the holiday celebration with family. tldr: my husband invited his family without telling me so i cancelled and he wants a formal apology. eta to put this out there he planned on sitting and telling stories of his dad while i handle everything and his family believe that as guests it's rude to ask them to help.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> tldr at bottom. so to give some context, i (f32) have been married to my husband (m39) for 4 years. i work a full time job while he does a 3 times a week night shift. we have a 2 year old and i'm 6 months pregnant. this whole drama started days ago. my husband has a large family. and on every christmas they'd gather at his father's house. my father in law passed away a year ago and this year my husband decided as the man of the family to host christmas at our house. unbeknowest to me, he sent out invitations for a 5 day christmas celebration to his entire family which are about 26 members in total. i found out about by accident and i was too shocked to react. i confronted him on it and he said i shouldn't be surprised and just get used to it because after his father's death he's now the family's "head" and all major family events will be held in our house and in his presence. i freaked out and said no this is wrong and he should've talked to me first before sending out any invitations to his family knowing i have other commitments like work and taking care of the house and our son. he said we'll manage if i took time off work but that means more workload later and it'd take away from my maternity leave. i demanded he cancel the invitations but he refused saying "over my dead body" then walked out. i ended up sending a mass text to everyone who recieved an invitation explaining that we will not be hosting christmas this year. he found out and went off on me calling my behabior outragously appalling and said that i broke his word to his family and made him look small and with no authority. i in a very strict tone replied that i didn't sign up to host a celebration and accomadate 26 people while pregnant, taking care of a toddler and working. and i don't care if he became the head of family after his father's death because it means nothing to me. he took offense to that and walked out almost crying. he later talked about how i disrespected his father and him with what i said and demanded a hand written apology for cancelling the event and for being insensitive towards him and underminning his authority infront of his family but i said no apology from me in any form and the issue is still up especially with my mil giving me a stern talk about how out of line i was for disrespecting my husband's decisions regarding the holiday celebration with family. tldr: my husband invited his family without telling me so i cancelled and he wants a formal apology. eta to put this out there he planned on sitting and telling stories of his dad while i handle everything and his family believe that as guests it's rude to ask them to help. [/INST] nta... is he delusional? a written apology? what are you his servant? jesus christ, that's repulsive. </s>
AITA for not wanting my flat to be "kink-friendly" and potentially getting my flatmates evicted.	so i'm 20(m) and have just moved in with three people at uni. sarah, joey and michelle. fake names obviously. sarah and joey are dating and part of a fairly sizeable fetish community locally and they go to a lot of gatherings and are generally fairly openly kinky. grand, you do you, go nuts. we moved in together for the upcoming year and all was going pretty well until two days ago when i came home and michelle immediately pulled me into her room to explain that sarah and joey had put up a ton of lgbt and fetish related flags all over the living room (side note til about fetish pride flags, there are a lot of them). they are only those little hand sized flags but they're in a big chain thing across one wall of the living room. then there's some "art". it's just close up pictures of genitals that i am 100% certain include the two of them and the other people from their little club. then there's a shelf that used to have a couple of tiny cactii on it that now has a leather mask, riding crop, and condom bowl. i don't think it's unreasonable to say that we were both obviously beyond uncomfortable with the entire situation. we sat joey and sarah down and told them we were uncomfortable and it all had to go. they said it was unfair because it was their lifestyle and they wanted people who came over to the flat to know it was "a kink friendly place to be yourself" for any guests or additional partners that might come over and that the living room shouldn't be a place of oppression (unless it's consensual). i said it absolutely fucking wasn't and the only "kink friendly place to be yourself" was your private spaces, and that the living room wasn't a place for sex when it's shared. they feel like they'd made their lifestyle clear before we moved in and that the living room is shared and therefore they can do what they like in it. michelle and i explained the situation to the housing company we're living in and asked if we could break the lease and move into a two bed together. the manager we spoke to went nuts and screamed at joey and sarah that he wanted them out and was going to contact his lawyer. i think he's under the impression that they're going to have loads of people over for sex parties all the time and we can only have a limited number of guests. also that it's disgusting. some of our mutual friends are furious that we've potentially made them homeless over "a few flags and kink things" so aita reddit?	21,777	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/horvdu/aita_for_not_wanting_my_flat_to_be_kinkfriendly/	2020-07-10 16:18:56	nta. consent in the kink community is massive. you don't get to involve vanillas against their will. shared spaces are not for sexy stuff in rented accommodation and they are being gross expecting this. you can be friendly and welcoming without kink paraphernalia. a comdom bowl? fuck that. let them all ride each other in their bedroom not on the shared couch.	nta. they violated the spirit of their own ethic of informed, enthusiastic consent by not consulting with you ahead of time and negotiating an arrangement that made everyone comfortable in your living space. "you knew what were were in advance." is utter asshattery. you are clearly vanilla af and can't possibly be expected to know what any given group of kinksters were going to want to do without being clearly informed. they were being shit room mates and a bad example of alternative lifestyle followers.	nta- though i might just have a personal bias against people that use kink pride flags but, the living room is an open and shared space, not a sex den.	nta - sarah and joey were getting off on passive aggressively making you and michelle be part of their "kink friendly" flat. the whole "you're oppressing me if you don't let me put this close up picture of my dick over the mantle" is just gross and lame. good riddance.	nta. common spaces are areas you share with other people and whatever goes there has to be okayed by everyone involved.	nta. this is the opposite of “everyone must give consent” part of kink.	nta. little pride flags are one thing- i think that’s fairly benign and categorically different from the other items you described. everyone who lives with roommates needs to compromise. and, within reason, items in shared spaces should be okay with everyone.	nta joey and sarah included you and michelle in their kinks without your consent, which is like, the #1 no fucking way in the community. furthermore, a lot of people are in situations where their kinks becoming public knowledge could be extremely dangerous, and that is not okay to involve other people in. me and my kinky friends would be disgusted with them. also, the art thing? absolutely disgusting. tasteful nudes is one thing, but putting a blown-up picture of your genitals on the wall is literally the most asinine thing i've ever heard lmao.	[deleted]	nta >i think he's under the impression that they're going to have loads of people over for sex parties all the time and we can only have a limited number of guests that sounds exactly like what they were planning on doing. why else would there need to be a fucking condom bowl in the living room?	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so i'm 20(m) and have just moved in with three people at uni. sarah, joey and michelle. fake names obviously. sarah and joey are dating and part of a fairly sizeable fetish community locally and they go to a lot of gatherings and are generally fairly openly kinky. grand, you do you, go nuts. we moved in together for the upcoming year and all was going pretty well until two days ago when i came home and michelle immediately pulled me into her room to explain that sarah and joey had put up a ton of lgbt and fetish related flags all over the living room (side note til about fetish pride flags, there are a lot of them). they are only those little hand sized flags but they're in a big chain thing across one wall of the living room. then there's some "art". it's just close up pictures of genitals that i am 100% certain include the two of them and the other people from their little club. then there's a shelf that used to have a couple of tiny cactii on it that now has a leather mask, riding crop, and condom bowl. i don't think it's unreasonable to say that we were both obviously beyond uncomfortable with the entire situation. we sat joey and sarah down and told them we were uncomfortable and it all had to go. they said it was unfair because it was their lifestyle and they wanted people who came over to the flat to know it was "a kink friendly place to be yourself" for any guests or additional partners that might come over and that the living room shouldn't be a place of oppression (unless it's consensual). i said it absolutely fucking wasn't and the only "kink friendly place to be yourself" was your private spaces, and that the living room wasn't a place for sex when it's shared. they feel like they'd made their lifestyle clear before we moved in and that the living room is shared and therefore they can do what they like in it. michelle and i explained the situation to the housing company we're living in and asked if we could break the lease and move into a two bed together. the manager we spoke to went nuts and screamed at joey and sarah that he wanted them out and was going to contact his lawyer. i think he's under the impression that they're going to have loads of people over for sex parties all the time and we can only have a limited number of guests. also that it's disgusting. some of our mutual friends are furious that we've potentially made them homeless over "a few flags and kink things" so aita reddit?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> so i'm 20(m) and have just moved in with three people at uni. sarah, joey and michelle. fake names obviously. sarah and joey are dating and part of a fairly sizeable fetish community locally and they go to a lot of gatherings and are generally fairly openly kinky. grand, you do you, go nuts. we moved in together for the upcoming year and all was going pretty well until two days ago when i came home and michelle immediately pulled me into her room to explain that sarah and joey had put up a ton of lgbt and fetish related flags all over the living room (side note til about fetish pride flags, there are a lot of them). they are only those little hand sized flags but they're in a big chain thing across one wall of the living room. then there's some "art". it's just close up pictures of genitals that i am 100% certain include the two of them and the other people from their little club. then there's a shelf that used to have a couple of tiny cactii on it that now has a leather mask, riding crop, and condom bowl. i don't think it's unreasonable to say that we were both obviously beyond uncomfortable with the entire situation. we sat joey and sarah down and told them we were uncomfortable and it all had to go. they said it was unfair because it was their lifestyle and they wanted people who came over to the flat to know it was "a kink friendly place to be yourself" for any guests or additional partners that might come over and that the living room shouldn't be a place of oppression (unless it's consensual). i said it absolutely fucking wasn't and the only "kink friendly place to be yourself" was your private spaces, and that the living room wasn't a place for sex when it's shared. they feel like they'd made their lifestyle clear before we moved in and that the living room is shared and therefore they can do what they like in it. michelle and i explained the situation to the housing company we're living in and asked if we could break the lease and move into a two bed together. the manager we spoke to went nuts and screamed at joey and sarah that he wanted them out and was going to contact his lawyer. i think he's under the impression that they're going to have loads of people over for sex parties all the time and we can only have a limited number of guests. also that it's disgusting. some of our mutual friends are furious that we've potentially made them homeless over "a few flags and kink things" so aita reddit? [/INST] nta. consent in the kink community is massive. you don't get to involve vanillas against their will. shared spaces are not for sexy stuff in rented accommodation and they are being gross expecting this. you can be friendly and welcoming without kink paraphernalia. a comdom bowl? fuck that. let them all ride each other in their bedroom not on the shared couch. </s>
AITA for yelling at our sitter?	my wife and i are at odds over this and though i believe i am in the right, i’m open to others opinion. our kids are 2 1/2 and quite a handful. they have speech delay, don’t really listen, and aren’t potty trained. i tend to just give in to avoid their crying and tantrums. my wife believes discipline will help but it just leads to more tears and no progress. recently we’ve start going back into work and hired a college student to watch the kids. she’s very caring and obviously loves working with the kids and my wife considers her a good friend we can trust with the children but i haven’t seen improvement. we’ve told her how we want the kids potty trained and talking soon and while she definitely takes good care of the kids... there’s no improvement. the other day i came home to the twins crying and the sitter told me that one of them had ripped her clothes off and gone to the bathroom on the floor during nap time and i lost my temper and told her that that wouldn’t have happened if she had worked with the kids the way she should have. i told her that i expected the kids to have been progressing more by now. she left soon after and must have texted my wife that night apologizing because my wife is pissed. she said it isn’t a college students problem to raise our kids, she’s here to watch them and add on to what we build as parents. while i understand they are our kids i don’t think my wife is right. i think if you’re in charge of the kids you should be teaching them manners and speech and potty training them. aita?	3,923	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/l66pk0/aita_for_yelling_at_our_sitter/	2021-01-27 15:23:26	yta and this must be a joke. potty training is your job and they might not be ready. speech delays? get them professional help. if you seriously want to outsource those duties you need to pay someone with loads of experience and not a college kid. you sound like a nightmare and i sure hope college kid quits on you like yesterday.	yta it is your job as parents to potty-train your kids and to teach them how to talk and manners. >i tend to just give in to avoid their crying and tantrums. you are not doing your job and expect your babysitter to do pick up the slack.	"i completely, and on a regular basis, sabotage my wife's efforts to discipline/teach our children by giving in whenever they have a tantrum. also, i screamed at a college student because she didn't live up to my unreasonable expectations of being a super nanny/speech therapist/surrogate parent. aita?" yes, yes, you are. yta.	yta. she's the sitter, not an au pair or nanny or a child behavioural expert you hired. raising the children and improving their development is not her job, that's yours as a parent. you pay her to look after the children when you.or your wife are not available, not to stimulate their development.	yta - you're about to get obliterated in these comments. its 100% your job to raise your own children, not hire a college student and expect to behave like a 3rd parent. you not what never works when training children, when both parents believe things should be done in completely separate ways.	yta - the whole way through this i just kept thinking the same thing your wife said. it isn’t a babysitter’s responsibility to raise your kids for you. potty train your own kids, if they’re ready. they may not be. and get your kids into proper speech therapy. a random college student is not qualified to provide speech therapy services to your children. be a goddamn parent instead of expecting the babysitter to do it for you. edit because i feel this needs to be added. the reason you don’t see any progress with the kids’ behavior when your wife disciplines them is for two reasons. first, it takes time. children aren’t vending machines, it isn’t money in, candy out. it isn’t discipline in, behavior out. the single most important thing is consistency, and you are consistently undoing your wife’s progress by just giving in every time the kids have a tantrum. you’re actively participating in something that will create entitled monsters instead of well behaved children. knock that shit off, your wife clearly knows what she’s doing, and you very clearly have no fucking clue how parenting works. i also suggest parenting classes for you.	yta. this has to be fake or the most oblivious person. a babysitter's job is to make sure the child is safe, clean, and fed while you're gone. it is not to potty train (except to carry on whatever you're doing), and it isn't to teach them to talk or have speech therapy. that's your job - get your kids some assistance with speech if they need it and read a parenting book about potty training. your wife is right.	are you kidding me? yta. by a lot. unless this college student has certifications in speech pathology and early childhood development, she is a babysitter. if you are having behavioral and development delays with your children, you need to take them to see experts and not yell at a babysitter for not succeeding at a job she is not qualified for. you should be ashamed of yourself.	yta. they're your kids, not hers. a sitter is not a third parent, a sitter is a sitter. if you want them to learn while being watched, send them to a daycare. and on top of your ridiculous expectations, you yelled at her, and even with your wife upset at you, you fail to see that you're in the wrong. your children are probably making no progress because of their childish father.	yta, don't pawn off teaching your kids on someone else. "i avoid their crying and tantrums" that's not how you handle raising kids.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my wife and i are at odds over this and though i believe i am in the right, i’m open to others opinion. our kids are 2 1/2 and quite a handful. they have speech delay, don’t really listen, and aren’t potty trained. i tend to just give in to avoid their crying and tantrums. my wife believes discipline will help but it just leads to more tears and no progress. recently we’ve start going back into work and hired a college student to watch the kids. she’s very caring and obviously loves working with the kids and my wife considers her a good friend we can trust with the children but i haven’t seen improvement. we’ve told her how we want the kids potty trained and talking soon and while she definitely takes good care of the kids... there’s no improvement. the other day i came home to the twins crying and the sitter told me that one of them had ripped her clothes off and gone to the bathroom on the floor during nap time and i lost my temper and told her that that wouldn’t have happened if she had worked with the kids the way she should have. i told her that i expected the kids to have been progressing more by now. she left soon after and must have texted my wife that night apologizing because my wife is pissed. she said it isn’t a college students problem to raise our kids, she’s here to watch them and add on to what we build as parents. while i understand they are our kids i don’t think my wife is right. i think if you’re in charge of the kids you should be teaching them manners and speech and potty training them. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my wife and i are at odds over this and though i believe i am in the right, i’m open to others opinion. our kids are 2 1/2 and quite a handful. they have speech delay, don’t really listen, and aren’t potty trained. i tend to just give in to avoid their crying and tantrums. my wife believes discipline will help but it just leads to more tears and no progress. recently we’ve start going back into work and hired a college student to watch the kids. she’s very caring and obviously loves working with the kids and my wife considers her a good friend we can trust with the children but i haven’t seen improvement. we’ve told her how we want the kids potty trained and talking soon and while she definitely takes good care of the kids... there’s no improvement. the other day i came home to the twins crying and the sitter told me that one of them had ripped her clothes off and gone to the bathroom on the floor during nap time and i lost my temper and told her that that wouldn’t have happened if she had worked with the kids the way she should have. i told her that i expected the kids to have been progressing more by now. she left soon after and must have texted my wife that night apologizing because my wife is pissed. she said it isn’t a college students problem to raise our kids, she’s here to watch them and add on to what we build as parents. while i understand they are our kids i don’t think my wife is right. i think if you’re in charge of the kids you should be teaching them manners and speech and potty training them. aita? [/INST] yta and this must be a joke. potty training is your job and they might not be ready. speech delays? get them professional help. if you seriously want to outsource those duties you need to pay someone with loads of experience and not a college kid. you sound like a nightmare and i sure hope college kid quits on you like yesterday. </s>
AITA for selling my late husbands home out from under his parents?	last year my husband died in a car accident. we were separated for about a year prior but not officially divorced, so i was named the administrator of his estate. i have my own home and i’m financially independent. we had two children together. in late summer of last year i learned that his parents were the beneficiaries and received a boat load of money. since his death his parents have told me that they have wanted to buy the home. i have been waiting for them to go through with the purchase since august, i have been paying the mortgage on his home ever since. in february i warned them that i was sick of paying for two mortgages and that i needed them to go through with the purchase, they have dragged their feet ever since and told me that it was in their lawyers hands and they had no control. my lawyer has not received any kind of formal offer from them, other than their lawyer stating they were interested. last week i was approached by a gentleman willing to pay good money for the home. i warned them hoping it would make them move forward on their end but they scoffed and told me that i just needed to be patient and wait. it has been an entire year of waiting, of them letting me pay the mortgage on his home and support our children while they go on vacations, make large purchases and pay off their debt with the life insurance. am i the asshole for accepting an offer from someone that isn’t them? is selling the home of their dead son wrong?	18,357	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u467sc/aita_for_selling_my_late_husbands_home_out_from/	2022-04-15 11:46:00	nta. they have been given more than enough time to respond and as administrator you need to close the estate. check with your lawyer about getting reimbursed out of the sale proceeds for the mortgage payments you made after death. also check with your lawyer about whether you can get statutory payments for being an executor.	if they wanted the home they’d be paying the mortgage. you should’ve been sold it. y’all’s child should’ve been his beneficiaries. nta	nta. you've given them fair warning. if you want to be generous, let them know about the other offer and give a deadline for pulling the trigger. all communication through an attorney.	nta they had a year. they chose to go on holidays and make large purchases. why should you pay two mortgages while they do all that?	i was soooooo ready to call you out but no nta hou gave the ample time and they mucked about. too bad so sad, sorry not sorry	nta. seems like something is going in behind the scenes that you don’t know about. you’ve given them an adequate amount of time. no lawyer drags butt like this.	"i have been given an actual offer. unless you guys put in an actual offer within x date, the house is going on the market. i, the mother of your grandchildren, cannot and will not pay double mortgage while you frag your asses any longer. this is not negotiable. make an offer or the house goes to the highest bidder" i'd send them that nta	[deleted]	nta - honestly it sounds like you have a kind heart or this wouldn't bother you at all. you have waited a year that's plenty of time for them to get things in order. if they couldn't put in the paperwork and get things in order to buy it the least they could have done is offer to pay the mortgage while their waiting. do what you think is best for you and your family. if they dont like it then they can get over it.	nta. if they received a large sum of money from the estate, they should have used that to purchase the home if they truly wanted it. if there were legal issues, they should have been more open about communication.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: last year my husband died in a car accident. we were separated for about a year prior but not officially divorced, so i was named the administrator of his estate. i have my own home and i’m financially independent. we had two children together. in late summer of last year i learned that his parents were the beneficiaries and received a boat load of money. since his death his parents have told me that they have wanted to buy the home. i have been waiting for them to go through with the purchase since august, i have been paying the mortgage on his home ever since. in february i warned them that i was sick of paying for two mortgages and that i needed them to go through with the purchase, they have dragged their feet ever since and told me that it was in their lawyers hands and they had no control. my lawyer has not received any kind of formal offer from them, other than their lawyer stating they were interested. last week i was approached by a gentleman willing to pay good money for the home. i warned them hoping it would make them move forward on their end but they scoffed and told me that i just needed to be patient and wait. it has been an entire year of waiting, of them letting me pay the mortgage on his home and support our children while they go on vacations, make large purchases and pay off their debt with the life insurance. am i the asshole for accepting an offer from someone that isn’t them? is selling the home of their dead son wrong?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> last year my husband died in a car accident. we were separated for about a year prior but not officially divorced, so i was named the administrator of his estate. i have my own home and i’m financially independent. we had two children together. in late summer of last year i learned that his parents were the beneficiaries and received a boat load of money. since his death his parents have told me that they have wanted to buy the home. i have been waiting for them to go through with the purchase since august, i have been paying the mortgage on his home ever since. in february i warned them that i was sick of paying for two mortgages and that i needed them to go through with the purchase, they have dragged their feet ever since and told me that it was in their lawyers hands and they had no control. my lawyer has not received any kind of formal offer from them, other than their lawyer stating they were interested. last week i was approached by a gentleman willing to pay good money for the home. i warned them hoping it would make them move forward on their end but they scoffed and told me that i just needed to be patient and wait. it has been an entire year of waiting, of them letting me pay the mortgage on his home and support our children while they go on vacations, make large purchases and pay off their debt with the life insurance. am i the asshole for accepting an offer from someone that isn’t them? is selling the home of their dead son wrong? [/INST] nta. they have been given more than enough time to respond and as administrator you need to close the estate. check with your lawyer about getting reimbursed out of the sale proceeds for the mortgage payments you made after death. also check with your lawyer about whether you can get statutory payments for being an executor. </s>
AITA for kicking my daughter out after she crossed a line?	i(m51) have 3 children, 1 girl,1 boy, and one child is gender neutral, my son eric(m22) is the oldest, eva(m20) is the middle child, and charlie(17) is my youngest(i'm still very new to the whole lgbtq thing so please correct me if i say something wrong) , now sadly when the children were all young (11,9,6) there mother/my wife passed away in a car accident and i'v been raising them by myself ever since as i'v chosen to never remarry since my wife was/is the love of my life i'll say i'm definitely not a perfect father but i'v done the best i could to raise my children, now eva has always been a bit more wild then her other siblings even before her mothers passing, i'v tried everything ranging from having sit down talks with her to putting her in therapy as well as taking parenting classes and reading books to see what i could possibly do to help, therapy did seem to help a little bit but decided to stop soon after she turned 18, now let me tell you the story as to why i'm here now my daughter eva still lives with me and charlie as she goes to school, and has definitely been home more due to the pandemic, but has started to go out more now that they are letting up on some of the regulations, now i was out getting dinner with an old high school buddy of mine when i get a panicked call from my son who had been at my house hanging out with his siblings, to summarize what he told me, he got into an argument with eva and charlie sided with him, eva became very volatile and even called charlie a slur, which is a big hell no for me, so i headed home and tried to calm everything down i told eva i didn't care about what they had been arguing about, and that she wasn't allowed to disrespect charlie or eric like that, me and eva ended up now being the ones to start arguing but i soon shut it down when i realized it wasn't gonna help, i forced her to apologize and took away her car privileges until she could learn to respect her siblings and i thought it was the end of that, well the next morning after work i ended up coming home and finding scraps of papers all over, at first i didn't get it but then soon found out that she cut up about half a dozen letters her mother had written me when i was much younger, i was livid, (i know it was her because i have a couple cameras in my house) i just walked into her room and told her to get out, she was smug and rolled her eyes but then i yelled "get the fuck out of my house" and she realized i was serious, she was crying and screaming but i had felt sorta numb at that point and she left with a friend of hers but now i feel like i was being too harsh but i wanna stand my ground aita for this? (edit, she did know about the cameras, but they're really just there for my dog) (another edit, woah i just checked back in on this post after a long day and was not expecting so many people to respond, i promise ill try and read everything as fast as i can!)	25,639	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o0daip/aita_for_kicking_my_daughter_out_after_she/	2021-06-15 12:33:52	nta. she's 20 which is old enough to grasp the maliciousness of her actions as well as the potential repercussions. i'm sorry that you lost the letters, that sounds pretty devastating. maybe they can be salvaged as a collage art piece?	alright, i'm putting this together after reading through many of the other comments, and i'll be using info i've grabbed from them to help me in my rating. 1st: the original argument between charlie and eva occurred because she scratched their car and refused to apologize. (	i can’t imagine the pain you’ve gone through and dealing with a child like her. we’re any actions here ok? no, i think in the heat of the moment it is really hard to control yourself over the loss of such a treasure you had from your wife. when it’s cooled down and you feel the regret for acting harsh towards your daughter i think you should have a boundary meeting between you and your other children about this and get their input. then you talk to eva and lay it all out. her shenanigans are over. she needs to atone and apologize. does she get to move back in? no, i think it’s time she felt repercussions. does that mean you cut her off? no, it does mean you are very selective in how you financially support her and setting rule for your continued support. if she fails y’all i’d cut her off. good luck. nta thank you all for the awards	nta. she is an adult and can find her own way if she is that disrespectful. as the child of a mother who passed when i was 10 i do find it very odd that any child would destroy anything like this that was left from their mother....unless they are completely psychotic, this cannot possibly be real.	nta. this would definitely tame her and set her upright. side note: i belong to the lgbt community and would like to tell you that you might have just saved charlie's heart from a break. for your daughter, it might have been a callous throw of slur, but for charlie, it'd have been a hurtful blow. let your daughter in once she's realised how hurtful she's been and apologises to you all. she'd beware that next time she crosses the line, that'd be it for her. also, i am really sorry, man, for those letters shredded. and tbh, your action was justified in response.	nta at 20 years of age she’s a adult and this kind in behaviour towards you and charlie is unacceptable. this could be a serious life lesson for her and one she desperately needs. also i’m sorry for your loss	that seems like a really ridiculous thing for her to do over a single argument. also, she lives there but she doesn't know that you have cameras in your house? surely there's more to this story.		nta, i don’t blame you for kicking your adult child out of your home for that kind of irreparable transgression. that’s fucked up.	nta. as a former nightmare daughter she really does need tough love. my parents enabled me and that dragged everything out for years. i will say that i didn’t become a nightmare just “because”. i was absolutely acting out plus i was dealing with undiagnosed anxiety and adhd. so i’d just keep that in mind. good luck. i got better, anyone can!	NTA	INFO	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	null	NTA	NTA	0.005167	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i(m51) have 3 children, 1 girl,1 boy, and one child is gender neutral, my son eric(m22) is the oldest, eva(m20) is the middle child, and charlie(17) is my youngest(i'm still very new to the whole lgbtq thing so please correct me if i say something wrong) , now sadly when the children were all young (11,9,6) there mother/my wife passed away in a car accident and i'v been raising them by myself ever since as i'v chosen to never remarry since my wife was/is the love of my life i'll say i'm definitely not a perfect father but i'v done the best i could to raise my children, now eva has always been a bit more wild then her other siblings even before her mothers passing, i'v tried everything ranging from having sit down talks with her to putting her in therapy as well as taking parenting classes and reading books to see what i could possibly do to help, therapy did seem to help a little bit but decided to stop soon after she turned 18, now let me tell you the story as to why i'm here now my daughter eva still lives with me and charlie as she goes to school, and has definitely been home more due to the pandemic, but has started to go out more now that they are letting up on some of the regulations, now i was out getting dinner with an old high school buddy of mine when i get a panicked call from my son who had been at my house hanging out with his siblings, to summarize what he told me, he got into an argument with eva and charlie sided with him, eva became very volatile and even called charlie a slur, which is a big hell no for me, so i headed home and tried to calm everything down i told eva i didn't care about what they had been arguing about, and that she wasn't allowed to disrespect charlie or eric like that, me and eva ended up now being the ones to start arguing but i soon shut it down when i realized it wasn't gonna help, i forced her to apologize and took away her car privileges until she could learn to respect her siblings and i thought it was the end of that, well the next morning after work i ended up coming home and finding scraps of papers all over, at first i didn't get it but then soon found out that she cut up about half a dozen letters her mother had written me when i was much younger, i was livid, (i know it was her because i have a couple cameras in my house) i just walked into her room and told her to get out, she was smug and rolled her eyes but then i yelled "get the fuck out of my house" and she realized i was serious, she was crying and screaming but i had felt sorta numb at that point and she left with a friend of hers but now i feel like i was being too harsh but i wanna stand my ground aita for this? (edit, she did know about the cameras, but they're really just there for my dog) (another edit, woah i just checked back in on this post after a long day and was not expecting so many people to respond, i promise ill try and read everything as fast as i can!)	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i(m51) have 3 children, 1 girl,1 boy, and one child is gender neutral, my son eric(m22) is the oldest, eva(m20) is the middle child, and charlie(17) is my youngest(i'm still very new to the whole lgbtq thing so please correct me if i say something wrong) , now sadly when the children were all young (11,9,6) there mother/my wife passed away in a car accident and i'v been raising them by myself ever since as i'v chosen to never remarry since my wife was/is the love of my life i'll say i'm definitely not a perfect father but i'v done the best i could to raise my children, now eva has always been a bit more wild then her other siblings even before her mothers passing, i'v tried everything ranging from having sit down talks with her to putting her in therapy as well as taking parenting classes and reading books to see what i could possibly do to help, therapy did seem to help a little bit but decided to stop soon after she turned 18, now let me tell you the story as to why i'm here now my daughter eva still lives with me and charlie as she goes to school, and has definitely been home more due to the pandemic, but has started to go out more now that they are letting up on some of the regulations, now i was out getting dinner with an old high school buddy of mine when i get a panicked call from my son who had been at my house hanging out with his siblings, to summarize what he told me, he got into an argument with eva and charlie sided with him, eva became very volatile and even called charlie a slur, which is a big hell no for me, so i headed home and tried to calm everything down i told eva i didn't care about what they had been arguing about, and that she wasn't allowed to disrespect charlie or eric like that, me and eva ended up now being the ones to start arguing but i soon shut it down when i realized it wasn't gonna help, i forced her to apologize and took away her car privileges until she could learn to respect her siblings and i thought it was the end of that, well the next morning after work i ended up coming home and finding scraps of papers all over, at first i didn't get it but then soon found out that she cut up about half a dozen letters her mother had written me when i was much younger, i was livid, (i know it was her because i have a couple cameras in my house) i just walked into her room and told her to get out, she was smug and rolled her eyes but then i yelled "get the fuck out of my house" and she realized i was serious, she was crying and screaming but i had felt sorta numb at that point and she left with a friend of hers but now i feel like i was being too harsh but i wanna stand my ground aita for this? (edit, she did know about the cameras, but they're really just there for my dog) (another edit, woah i just checked back in on this post after a long day and was not expecting so many people to respond, i promise ill try and read everything as fast as i can!) [/INST] nta. she's 20 which is old enough to grasp the maliciousness of her actions as well as the potential repercussions. i'm sorry that you lost the letters, that sounds pretty devastating. maybe they can be salvaged as a collage art piece? </s>
AITA for being a "brat" about not wanting garlic in my food?	so i (18f) just got back from college for winter break and this situation happened so i want to know if i am in the wrong. my and my parents do not get along, i was a good kid and got good grades but we started fighting a lot when i was in highschool. long story short i went to a college four states away to get away from the family. my sister (15) was the one to suggets it. anyways i have been back for about a week now and my mom makes this exteremly good chicken pot pie, it basically takes all day to make and it is one of my favorite meals. i hate garlic, i don't know why but i refuse to eat anything if i can smell it in the food. my mom is making the chicken pot pie and i walked into the kitchen and could smell the garlic. i made the comment, wow gone for a few months and you forgot a hate garlic. she just said wow, its like you don't cook and don't know what is in your food, the pasta i made two days ago had garlic and you loved that. this started an arguement, i was mad that she could hold off on the garlic when i am hear and that she tricked me into eating it. the agruement continues and she called me a brat that can cook her own food from now on. my sister heard the whole thing and basically said i am an ass and that i am the problem in the house not our parents so aita or problem	3,493	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zmvym6/aita_for_being_a_brat_about_not_wanting_garlic_in/	2022-12-15 21:00:52	yta. you got called out on eating food eating food with garlic in it and loving it. i bet your mom has been using the same recipe for the pot pie all your life and it has garlic in it.	yta. your extremely good favourite chicken pie has always had garlic in it.	>she tricked me into eating it unless she told you there wasn't garlic in it when there was, she didn't trick you. if you mom was trying to feed you alligator or something every meal, i could understand expecting her to not serve it to you. but, garlic is a basic ingredient in most meals, if you don't want it, you need to cook for yourself. you're an adult. yta	yta in this situation. you're being unnecessarily picky about an ingredient that is the base of sooooo many dishes. it sounds like a mental barrier for you knowing it's there rather than it truly being about it being in the food. you're also not allergic. get over it or make your own food. not getting along with your parents is something i can relate to but it sounds like you jumped at the chance to make a dig at your mum. do you actually want a relationship with your parents? cause you're going about it all wrong.	yta. why would you start off with the passive aggression like that? that's not smart. saying "wow gone for a few months and you forgot i hate garlic." and since you aren't allergic and you have and can eat garlic (like in the pasta), it sounds like this is you being a picky eater. that's fine--no reason you need to like all foods. but insisting that your family should all be accommodating your pickiness (instead of you picking the garlic out of the food they all enjoy) is a bit too much.	yta how about cooking for yourself if you want to mess up a meal for everyone	yta you realize your mom's exteremly good chicken pie has always had gatlic in it right?	sorry but yta, because you obviously can eat garlic like you did with the pasta. i suspect your parents have been sneaking it in for a long time and you haven’t noticed. this issue seems to be in your head and you need to deal with it. also, garlic is so basic in food. if you don’t want to deal with it you have to cook for yourself. however, maybe this isn’t about garlic? there seems to be some tension in the house.	yta. you’re grown enough to make your own food and not be a snarky ass when others cook for you.	yta you can cook your own food if you hate garlic that much. but news flash most dishes you’ll eat will have some form or garlic in it especially garlic powder, eaten at a restaurant? you’ve probably eaten garlic there.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so i (18f) just got back from college for winter break and this situation happened so i want to know if i am in the wrong. my and my parents do not get along, i was a good kid and got good grades but we started fighting a lot when i was in highschool. long story short i went to a college four states away to get away from the family. my sister (15) was the one to suggets it. anyways i have been back for about a week now and my mom makes this exteremly good chicken pot pie, it basically takes all day to make and it is one of my favorite meals. i hate garlic, i don't know why but i refuse to eat anything if i can smell it in the food. my mom is making the chicken pot pie and i walked into the kitchen and could smell the garlic. i made the comment, wow gone for a few months and you forgot a hate garlic. she just said wow, its like you don't cook and don't know what is in your food, the pasta i made two days ago had garlic and you loved that. this started an arguement, i was mad that she could hold off on the garlic when i am hear and that she tricked me into eating it. the agruement continues and she called me a brat that can cook her own food from now on. my sister heard the whole thing and basically said i am an ass and that i am the problem in the house not our parents so aita or problem	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> so i (18f) just got back from college for winter break and this situation happened so i want to know if i am in the wrong. my and my parents do not get along, i was a good kid and got good grades but we started fighting a lot when i was in highschool. long story short i went to a college four states away to get away from the family. my sister (15) was the one to suggets it. anyways i have been back for about a week now and my mom makes this exteremly good chicken pot pie, it basically takes all day to make and it is one of my favorite meals. i hate garlic, i don't know why but i refuse to eat anything if i can smell it in the food. my mom is making the chicken pot pie and i walked into the kitchen and could smell the garlic. i made the comment, wow gone for a few months and you forgot a hate garlic. she just said wow, its like you don't cook and don't know what is in your food, the pasta i made two days ago had garlic and you loved that. this started an arguement, i was mad that she could hold off on the garlic when i am hear and that she tricked me into eating it. the agruement continues and she called me a brat that can cook her own food from now on. my sister heard the whole thing and basically said i am an ass and that i am the problem in the house not our parents so aita or problem [/INST] yta. you got called out on eating food eating food with garlic in it and loving it. i bet your mom has been using the same recipe for the pot pie all your life and it has garlic in it. </s>
AITA for telling my son that he doesn't have to drink the milk after eating his cereal at his friend's house?	my son trevor [10] has a best friend in the same grade as him, armin [10]. armin's parents are from iran and he is a second-generation american. their house and home culture are quite different from our own, but i always thought that was a good experience for trevor to visit. he really enjoys playing with armin at his house so he goes there often. the one thing that gives trevor anxiety about having a sleepover with armin is that after eating cereal in the morning, armin's father always makes trevor drink the milk from his bowl. trevor hates this. his mother (we're separated) has guessed that armin's parents might have faced food insecurity in the past or it may be from their home culture, but all we know is that armin's father is incredibly insistent on this and will not let a bowl go to the sink with anything left in it. over the weekend armin had a small birthday party, and trevor was getting anxious about breakfast the next morning. i told him that he didn't have to drink the milk if he didn't want to. he asked what he should do about armin's father, so i responded that he should hold his ground and just refuse. there is realistically nothing armin's father could do to force him to drink the milk, so just drive the point home: no. trevor held his ground the next morning. i got a call from armin's father at around 11am that started off nice enough until i told him i was the one that said trevor didn't have to do anything he didn't want to do. this led to a short argument where armin's father said it was bad manners. this led to me going to pick him up. now trevor's mother is furious at me. armin's father is too. i honestly just think teaching a child to be able to say "no" to something he/she doesn't want to do is fine, but i'm kind of alone on this. did i step out of line here or has everyone else just completely missed the mark? **	6,815	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/txj6ke/aita_for_telling_my_son_that_he_doesnt_have_to/	2022-04-06 10:37:49	yta for sending your kid to deal with this on his own instead of talking to armin's dad about it ahead of time.	nta for not wanting your child forced to do something he doesn't like. but... yta for having your already anxious child deal with that alone. what you should have done was call his friends parents beforehand and explained to them he doesn't like it and you have decided you don't want him to feel forced to eat/drink something he doesn't want to. so you would appreciate it if they let this slide as you would be letting him know this wasn't something he was required to do. yes there might have been an argument between parents at this point, but it's something you could have kept the kids away from. instead it seems to have been a call that likely happened in front of your son, which likely caused more upset for him and resulted in what would seem quite a dramatic exit for the children. it's absolutely fine to have your own expectations of your children and to want other parents to respect that. but i don't think it was ok to leave it to a 10 year old to face a man you already described as pretty strict and intimidating.	esh here is why… n t a for telling your son he can say no. but, y t a for not calling the family yourself to explain so your son doesn’t have to navigate this on his own and/or to come up with solutions with him such as using less milk. the other father is ta for being furious because that seems completely unreasonable for the relative amount of food waste. it is a good thing to learn to take what we think we will consume rather than allow it to go to waste.	esh armins farther for trying to force his personal beliefs on someone elses child. you for having no spine and not speaking to armins father yourself. what kind if parent expects a 10 year old to fight their own fights against another adult, his friends parent no less.	why didn't you tell armin's father yourself since you knew it would be a problem?	esh. one of the parents should have spoken to armin’s parents so the ten year old didn’t have to square off in a battle of wills against a grown man.	esh - you or your wife should have contacted armin’s parents ahead of time and let them know ahead of time that trevor does not like to drink milk. - armin’s parents for forcing a young guest to drink milk except your son — i also like milk in my cereal but will not drink any leftovers. my solution is to only put enough milk to saturate the cereal to ensure there is no extra leftover milk.	esh, some communication would help. if armin's parents are first-gen immigrants who have known hardship and food insecurity, insisting on pouring milk down the sink will come across as rude and wasteful. instead of teaching your child to disrespect other people's house rules when he doesn't like them, you should've communicated with armin's parents to take away the root of the problem. use less milk on his cereal, let trevor eat something that doesn't involve a bowl of milk at all, anything. he's 10, that's old enough to make himself a sandwich in the morning. you're the ah for flat out telling your kid to say no instead of working with armin's parents to find a solution. armin's parents are the ah for continuing to feed him cereal for breakfast instead of something else if they know he's just going to pour away the milk in his bowl.	esh you needed to speak to the other parents....you sent your kid into fight with other adults....not cool. i agree that he should not have to drink the milk...strange hill to die on for the other parents but it was an adult conversation to have.	yta for setting up this ridiculous conflict. if your child says they have a problem with another child’s parent encouraging them to fight an adult is a bad plan. just text the adult and let them know what’s up and come up with a compromise instead of knowing a conflict will happen doing nothing to avoid it and tell your kid it’s ok to fight adults in their house on their family rules because you said so, setting this entire thing up. should the kid be able to not drink the milk, sure. did you set up conflict instead of telling your child to ask for no or little milk and teach them to communicate instead- absolutely!	YTA	NTA	ESH	ESH	null	ESH	ESH	ESH	ESH	YTA	0.169744	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my son trevor [10] has a best friend in the same grade as him, armin [10]. armin's parents are from iran and he is a second-generation american. their house and home culture are quite different from our own, but i always thought that was a good experience for trevor to visit. he really enjoys playing with armin at his house so he goes there often. the one thing that gives trevor anxiety about having a sleepover with armin is that after eating cereal in the morning, armin's father always makes trevor drink the milk from his bowl. trevor hates this. his mother (we're separated) has guessed that armin's parents might have faced food insecurity in the past or it may be from their home culture, but all we know is that armin's father is incredibly insistent on this and will not let a bowl go to the sink with anything left in it. over the weekend armin had a small birthday party, and trevor was getting anxious about breakfast the next morning. i told him that he didn't have to drink the milk if he didn't want to. he asked what he should do about armin's father, so i responded that he should hold his ground and just refuse. there is realistically nothing armin's father could do to force him to drink the milk, so just drive the point home: no. trevor held his ground the next morning. i got a call from armin's father at around 11am that started off nice enough until i told him i was the one that said trevor didn't have to do anything he didn't want to do. this led to a short argument where armin's father said it was bad manners. this led to me going to pick him up. now trevor's mother is furious at me. armin's father is too. i honestly just think teaching a child to be able to say "no" to something he/she doesn't want to do is fine, but i'm kind of alone on this. did i step out of line here or has everyone else just completely missed the mark? **	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my son trevor [10] has a best friend in the same grade as him, armin [10]. armin's parents are from iran and he is a second-generation american. their house and home culture are quite different from our own, but i always thought that was a good experience for trevor to visit. he really enjoys playing with armin at his house so he goes there often. the one thing that gives trevor anxiety about having a sleepover with armin is that after eating cereal in the morning, armin's father always makes trevor drink the milk from his bowl. trevor hates this. his mother (we're separated) has guessed that armin's parents might have faced food insecurity in the past or it may be from their home culture, but all we know is that armin's father is incredibly insistent on this and will not let a bowl go to the sink with anything left in it. over the weekend armin had a small birthday party, and trevor was getting anxious about breakfast the next morning. i told him that he didn't have to drink the milk if he didn't want to. he asked what he should do about armin's father, so i responded that he should hold his ground and just refuse. there is realistically nothing armin's father could do to force him to drink the milk, so just drive the point home: no. trevor held his ground the next morning. i got a call from armin's father at around 11am that started off nice enough until i told him i was the one that said trevor didn't have to do anything he didn't want to do. this led to a short argument where armin's father said it was bad manners. this led to me going to pick him up. now trevor's mother is furious at me. armin's father is too. i honestly just think teaching a child to be able to say "no" to something he/she doesn't want to do is fine, but i'm kind of alone on this. did i step out of line here or has everyone else just completely missed the mark? ** [/INST] yta for sending your kid to deal with this on his own instead of talking to armin's dad about it ahead of time. </s>
AITA for ruining dinner with my joke?	so my husband and i recently moved back to his hometown and bought a house near his parents. so we decided to host his family for dinner. i cooked up a few dishes, including french onion soup. the soup was a hit. his mom asked me for a recipe, and i jokingly said that the secret ingredient is my tears (because onions). his mom stopped eating, stared at me. i tried to ease the tension by explaining that it was a joke, but she didn’t respond. after a few minutes they got up and left. i knew she was strict about knowing where her food came from, making sure that they’re organic and non-gmo and such. we actually went grocery shopping with her before dinner as reassurance. but i didn’t realize an obvious onion joke would set her off. my husband has been trying to get her to talk to me but she refuses. aita?	19,193	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ufm56d/aita_for_ruining_dinner_with_my_joke/	2022-04-30 22:53:54	nta. that’s actually a pretty funny joke. and even if she didn’t understand it initially, she should’ve been receptive to your explanation. she sounds like a pain.	nta. you made a bad joke (a terrible joke) and she completely overreacted. their reaction was weird tbh. as for the jokes - please never change.	mil's parents were murdered by a rogue onion, she was so upset being reminded about it that she walked out. nta.	nta. just tell mil that your tears are certified non gmo, all organic. that should perk her right the f**k up.	the title made me wonder if you were gonna try to defend a racist joke or one about religion, disabilities, or old age. and we find out the thread is all about the lack of a sense of humor. 🤣🤣🤣	[removed]	nta. do her jokes have to be organic and non-gmo too?	that's the most harmless joke i've heard all week. lord. nta	nta. in any way, shape, or form. if your mil is that uptight that she takes offense at something that silly, she won't be missed. wow.	i read the title and was fully prepared to declare you the asshole. then i read what the joke was, and was like "that was the problem?" seriously, it's a totally inoffensive joke that anyone might make. you're fine, and at this point it's time for your husband to stop pushing and let his parents sort themselves out. because this is definitely a "them" issue, and not a "you" issue. totally nta.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so my husband and i recently moved back to his hometown and bought a house near his parents. so we decided to host his family for dinner. i cooked up a few dishes, including french onion soup. the soup was a hit. his mom asked me for a recipe, and i jokingly said that the secret ingredient is my tears (because onions). his mom stopped eating, stared at me. i tried to ease the tension by explaining that it was a joke, but she didn’t respond. after a few minutes they got up and left. i knew she was strict about knowing where her food came from, making sure that they’re organic and non-gmo and such. we actually went grocery shopping with her before dinner as reassurance. but i didn’t realize an obvious onion joke would set her off. my husband has been trying to get her to talk to me but she refuses. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> so my husband and i recently moved back to his hometown and bought a house near his parents. so we decided to host his family for dinner. i cooked up a few dishes, including french onion soup. the soup was a hit. his mom asked me for a recipe, and i jokingly said that the secret ingredient is my tears (because onions). his mom stopped eating, stared at me. i tried to ease the tension by explaining that it was a joke, but she didn’t respond. after a few minutes they got up and left. i knew she was strict about knowing where her food came from, making sure that they’re organic and non-gmo and such. we actually went grocery shopping with her before dinner as reassurance. but i didn’t realize an obvious onion joke would set her off. my husband has been trying to get her to talk to me but she refuses. aita? [/INST] nta. that’s actually a pretty funny joke. and even if she didn’t understand it initially, she should’ve been receptive to your explanation. she sounds like a pain. </s>
AITA for telling my boyfriend he shouldn't grab food from my kitchen without asking first?	so basically i've (m25) been dating with this amazing guy for about a year now. recently, i got covid and my boyfriend was hanging out at my house while i found out. we decided to quarantine together in my apartment to prevent further spreading. one day, my boyfriend just stood up and told me he was going to grab a snack. i stopped him from doing that because i felt like it was very rude of him to just walk to my kitchen and grab stuff he didn't buy. after that, he became noticeably irritated but he didn't talk about it. it started to annoy me too because he should just ask before grabbing something that isn't his right? i told him to stop acting like a spoiled brat. since then we haven't been talking very much and i feel like he's just waiting until he can go home again. aita in this situation?	3,638	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uavinf/aita_for_telling_my_boyfriend_he_shouldnt_grab/	2022-04-24 14:07:04	yta. he's living in your house for two weeks, you really expect him to ask your permission every time he's hungry? you presumably bought the toilet paper too, does he need your permission to wipe his ass?	yta - of course he's just waiting until he can go home. you agreed to quarantine together, which means he can't just run out and get food, and you're acting like he's stealing from you because he wants a snack. gtfo. you've been dating a year and you can't share your food with him when he's quarantining with you and you called him a spoiled brat for being annoyed by your response? you'll be lucky if you still have a boyfriend after quarantine.	yta. you sound like my stepfather, who accused me of stealing food if i helped myself to anything to eat without explicit permission, even if it was in the fridge or on the counter. just because he bought it so it was his food, and i was stealing by eating any of it unless he said i could. you’re way too controlling. he’s your boyfriend, not some random stranger. i hope your boyfriend recognizes this as the major red flag it is.	yta. is he your boyfriend or your prisoner?	yta. so you possibly gave him covid (and the long term effects associated with even mild cases), you quarantine together, and then expect him to beg for food like oliver twist? is this your first boyfriend? or even friend? when he dumps you and goes no contact take some time for self reflection and be single for a long, long time.	yta, you are quarantining together. how else is he supposed to get any food? calling him a spoiled brat also seems completely unnecessary. just talk to him normally.	yta. you're dating and quarantined to your home together... does he literally have to ask to eat every single time the entire time you're stuck together?! you're right, you're being possessive and controlling, about food. i would apologize and explain you realize how you reacted was ridiculous... but there must be some reason for it... offer it up, you're in a relationship, so you should be honest.	yta. you’re both staying together while you quarantine. he shouldn’t have to feel like he has to ask for consent just to get a snack. if you’re worried about what groceries cost, have a conversation about that and sharing the expense. when you’re staying with someone for a prolonged period of time, it isn’t acting like a “spoiled brat” to just go and get yourself a snack. do you often call him names like that? it’s rather worrying to read. if my significant other behaved like this and called me a “spoiled brat” for getting myself a snack i would definitely just be waiting to return home.	yta you don't invite someone to stay with you for several days and expect them to ask permission to have a snack. you can totally ask him to pitch in on the cost of food and do a delivery order together. also you're a bad host, if you're trying to follow the formal etiquette for guests (that they may not get their own food) you are obligated to offer food and drinks so often they would never have to ask for a snack.	yta - ur treating him like a 5yr old by making him ask for permission... for a snack? 🤦🏻‍♀️ what if next time he says what do u want for dinner, picks up a pizza, and says "ur half of this is $8, pay up or u dont get any?" do u make him carry all his toiletries and toilet paper in a caddy as if he's living in a dorm with a community bathroom? i guarantee u his buddies will be telling him to ditch u, and he's probably considering it.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so basically i've (m25) been dating with this amazing guy for about a year now. recently, i got covid and my boyfriend was hanging out at my house while i found out. we decided to quarantine together in my apartment to prevent further spreading. one day, my boyfriend just stood up and told me he was going to grab a snack. i stopped him from doing that because i felt like it was very rude of him to just walk to my kitchen and grab stuff he didn't buy. after that, he became noticeably irritated but he didn't talk about it. it started to annoy me too because he should just ask before grabbing something that isn't his right? i told him to stop acting like a spoiled brat. since then we haven't been talking very much and i feel like he's just waiting until he can go home again. aita in this situation?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> so basically i've (m25) been dating with this amazing guy for about a year now. recently, i got covid and my boyfriend was hanging out at my house while i found out. we decided to quarantine together in my apartment to prevent further spreading. one day, my boyfriend just stood up and told me he was going to grab a snack. i stopped him from doing that because i felt like it was very rude of him to just walk to my kitchen and grab stuff he didn't buy. after that, he became noticeably irritated but he didn't talk about it. it started to annoy me too because he should just ask before grabbing something that isn't his right? i told him to stop acting like a spoiled brat. since then we haven't been talking very much and i feel like he's just waiting until he can go home again. aita in this situation? [/INST] yta. he's living in your house for two weeks, you really expect him to ask your permission every time he's hungry? you presumably bought the toilet paper too, does he need your permission to wipe his ass? </s>
AITA for telling my ex to stop giving my daughter lunch money	i have a daughter, emily (16f) with my ex. she chose to live with my ex and his wife and kids the majority of the time because she has to share her room with her step sister laura (15) at my house. my ex gives emily $25 a week to buy lunch. emily's and laura's school is down the street from a lot of restaurants so, instead of buying school lunches, she leaves campus to buy herself and her friends lunch. the problem is she sees laura at school and won't get her anything even though she gets her friends lunch all the time. i talked to emily about it and she said it's because her friends pay her back and laura can't. emily knows we can't afford to give laura that kind of money and i know she works part time and gets an extra allowance from her dad so i asked her to occasionally buy laura lunch to make her feel better. she refused. i called her dad and hoped that as a parent, he's understand what i was trying to do but he said laura's feelings are not his or emily's responsibility and that if she wants to buy lunch off campus, she should get a part time job like emily. i tried to explain that laura is in sports and she has adhd and depression so it would be hard for her to work but he said that's my and my husband's problem and hung up. laura came home crying the other day because emily came back with food from her favorite restaurant and didn't give her anything or offer to share so i called my ex and told him that he needs to stop giving emily lunch money and have her make her own lunches because she was hurting laura. he refused to listen to me and told emily that i'm telling him to not let her go out at lunch because of laura and emily hasn't spoken to me except to say that she's going to stay at her dad's full time for a while. [update](https://www.reddit.com/user/daughterlunch/comments/tdaax9/update_aita_for_telling_my_ex_to_stop_giving_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)	8,140	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s8nqkc/aita_for_telling_my_ex_to_stop_giving_my_daughter/	2022-01-20 17:08:57	yta. are you even listening to yourself right now? i see why she's living with your ex... your childs' happiness is your responsibility. why should someone else need to stop giving a child lunch money because your spawn is unhappy? that is not how the world works.	>her friends pay her back and laura can't enough said. 25 dollars a week is 5 dollars per school day. emily isn't swimming in money, and she works for what she has, she doesn't have to be funding your stepdaughter's wants. laura doesn't work because she is in sports, that is her choice and not emily's nor her dad's responsability. laura is old enough to understand that, and the main reason she is getting hurt right now is because you are leading her to think she is entitled to somebody else's money. every time that laura comes crying due to this, look at yourself and at your husband, because your parenting is the reason she is getting heart broken at not getting what you lead her to think she is entitled to have.	yta your ex is right. laura's feelings about your not being able to provide lunch money isn't emily's or your ex's problem. your ex can parent the way he wants to in his house. you don't have a right to tell him how to parent on his own time.	yta why isn’t your husband giving laura money then? it’s not your daughters job and your ex’s job to get laura lunch. and having adhd and depression isn’t an excuse for not working. you find healthy ways to manage that. sounds like you’ve thrown your actual kid aside.	yta. $25 is not a lot of money for a week’s worth of food. i highly doubt she’s making it rain at the club with that.	yta. why is your ex responsible for your new husbands child?	i can see why she's living with your ex. her money that she earns & her father gives her, your other child is not entitled too, sorry but she's not. plenty of kids with adhd work. let your daughter get a job. it will be good for her	yta. laura's feelings about this are none of your ex's concern. i'm also wondering why laura takes so much time to notice what emily gets for lunch every day? that's kind of odd. don't they have different friends?	[removed]	yta laura is going to have to learn life isn’t fair, emily works laura doesn’t…$25 allowance is nothing it is her job that gives her the most disposable income. you can use laura’s depression and adhd as an excuse now but what happens when she is an adult and has to support herself? should emily forgo a nice car, beautiful home and vacations because laura can’t afford it? you should concentrate more on getting laura whatever therapy and medication she needs to get better, the answer isn’t making emily suffer because laura is jealous.	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	null	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i have a daughter, emily (16f) with my ex. she chose to live with my ex and his wife and kids the majority of the time because she has to share her room with her step sister laura (15) at my house. my ex gives emily $25 a week to buy lunch. emily's and laura's school is down the street from a lot of restaurants so, instead of buying school lunches, she leaves campus to buy herself and her friends lunch. the problem is she sees laura at school and won't get her anything even though she gets her friends lunch all the time. i talked to emily about it and she said it's because her friends pay her back and laura can't. emily knows we can't afford to give laura that kind of money and i know she works part time and gets an extra allowance from her dad so i asked her to occasionally buy laura lunch to make her feel better. she refused. i called her dad and hoped that as a parent, he's understand what i was trying to do but he said laura's feelings are not his or emily's responsibility and that if she wants to buy lunch off campus, she should get a part time job like emily. i tried to explain that laura is in sports and she has adhd and depression so it would be hard for her to work but he said that's my and my husband's problem and hung up. laura came home crying the other day because emily came back with food from her favorite restaurant and didn't give her anything or offer to share so i called my ex and told him that he needs to stop giving emily lunch money and have her make her own lunches because she was hurting laura. he refused to listen to me and told emily that i'm telling him to not let her go out at lunch because of laura and emily hasn't spoken to me except to say that she's going to stay at her dad's full time for a while. [update](https://www.reddit.com/user/daughterlunch/comments/tdaax9/update_aita_for_telling_my_ex_to_stop_giving_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i have a daughter, emily (16f) with my ex. she chose to live with my ex and his wife and kids the majority of the time because she has to share her room with her step sister laura (15) at my house. my ex gives emily $25 a week to buy lunch. emily's and laura's school is down the street from a lot of restaurants so, instead of buying school lunches, she leaves campus to buy herself and her friends lunch. the problem is she sees laura at school and won't get her anything even though she gets her friends lunch all the time. i talked to emily about it and she said it's because her friends pay her back and laura can't. emily knows we can't afford to give laura that kind of money and i know she works part time and gets an extra allowance from her dad so i asked her to occasionally buy laura lunch to make her feel better. she refused. i called her dad and hoped that as a parent, he's understand what i was trying to do but he said laura's feelings are not his or emily's responsibility and that if she wants to buy lunch off campus, she should get a part time job like emily. i tried to explain that laura is in sports and she has adhd and depression so it would be hard for her to work but he said that's my and my husband's problem and hung up. laura came home crying the other day because emily came back with food from her favorite restaurant and didn't give her anything or offer to share so i called my ex and told him that he needs to stop giving emily lunch money and have her make her own lunches because she was hurting laura. he refused to listen to me and told emily that i'm telling him to not let her go out at lunch because of laura and emily hasn't spoken to me except to say that she's going to stay at her dad's full time for a while. [update](https://www.reddit.com/user/daughterlunch/comments/tdaax9/update_aita_for_telling_my_ex_to_stop_giving_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) [/INST] yta. are you even listening to yourself right now? i see why she's living with your ex... your childs' happiness is your responsibility. why should someone else need to stop giving a child lunch money because your spawn is unhappy? that is not how the world works. </s>
AITA for asking a guy why he gained so much weight over the years?		16,080	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/fdhv4l/aita_for_asking_a_guy_why_he_gained_so_much/	2020-03-04 19:02:50	yta. on what planet is that an okay thing to say to anybody, friend or family or complete stranger or worst enemy?! you humiliated him in front of your group - of course everybody thinks you’re an asshole - you are one!	yta >normally i get told to leave him alone but as long as he’s fine i don’t think i’m hurting anybody. maybe he's too polite to tell you to back off. if other people tell you to back off, you should listen. >i was shocked and pointed out that he used to look really good and asked him what happened. i don't know how there is any confusion. of course you're an asshole for saying that. one, you said that something is wrong with him now. two, his medical history is none of your business.	[removed]	yta. you say multiple times that you basically fat shame the guy. even if he says its ok, it's not. he might be defending you for any number of reasons because thats what a real friend would do...even if they're in the wrong.	yta. definitely. you don't ever ask anyone "what happened" whether they be thin or overweight. that is an extremely personal question. (	ooooh boy yta. you are wilfully embarrassing and condescending him and have been pulled up on it several times by friends but still giving it the ‘what’s the big deal?’ response.. what is his reaction supposed to be? tears? tantrums? punch you in the face? he may have wanted to do all of those things but he has taken the high road and glossed over it, y’know why? because you are humiliating him and he is deflecting attention from it. he is doing you a massive favour by being gracious when you are clearly an almighty ah and insist on teasing him and belittling him publicly. consider this: you don’t like being singled out and ostracised because of your mean- spirited and thoughtless comments so why would he like it because of his weight? treat other people how you want to be treated.	yta you asked because you have no idea, but that is exactly the point. it could be that he has new a medical condition that can cause obesity. it could be from a medication. it could be psych related. you asked a very derogatory and intimate question, even if you didn't realize it at the time. he doesn't owe you an explanation at all.	“normally i get told to leave him alone” so in a normal setting, you’re joking about this guy’s weight frequently enough that you are regularly told to ease up... but so long as mark doesn’t have a nuclear reaction to it you will continue. are you that unfunny that you cant find another way to connect with this dude who otherwise seems extremely wholesome? yta, like would you even be making this post if mark weren’t a man? also, the way you introduced mark in your post really makes it seem like you have no idea how he is part of this new friend group of yours “since he doesn’t go to the gym” but “comes along to all the other stuff” and that comes off extremely shallow.	yta, and more than likely mark doesn't appreciate your teasing.	[removed]	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context:	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> [/INST] yta. on what planet is that an okay thing to say to anybody, friend or family or complete stranger or worst enemy?! you humiliated him in front of your group - of course everybody thinks you’re an asshole - you are one! </s>
AITA for getting upset at my boyfriend for posting pictures of himself and his sister when they went on a road trip together?	my[25f] boyfriend[25m] of 1 and a half years went on a road trip with his sister[27f i think?] this past week, and while i wanted to go as well, i knew it wasn’t in my rights to force them to take me so i said nothing. however, my boyfriend and his sister posted a lot of pictures on her social media of their experiences in the road trip. there are some really weird pictures though. most notably, one of the pictures show my boyfriend’s sister kissing him on the cheek and some other photos show her with her arm around his neck. i feel like many may interpret them as a couple rather than a sister-brother relationship. when my boyfriend got back yesterday, i got pissed at him and asked him about the photos. he said that i was being weird but i pressed on for a couple times and he got pissed and called me a pervert. he hasn’t called or texted me since. aita? i mean i feel like the pictures were kind of weird.	7,819	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tt7igo/aita_for_getting_upset_at_my_boyfriend_for/	2022-03-31 19:24:33	yta. there's still time to take this down.	a kiss on the cheek and an arm around her neck? oh my god in my family we are all lovers then. yta and if i was him i would seriously have a talk and re evaluate the relationship	yta. why are you sexualizing this? like your family has never kissed you on the cheek. they were having a good time, and you let your jealousy get the better of you. yta yta yta.	you are accusing him of an incestuous relationship with his sister because you think sibling affection is weird, you got some issues you should talk to a professional about.	yta, they're brother and sister. not friends, not exes. some families show affection a bit more than others but it means nothing. you're coming off as jealous and needing of reassurance.	yta. getting jealous of a sibling, and reaching for it to be sexual when it’s not, is on a whole other level of toxic that i frankly didn’t think was possible until now. stop caring about what other people think and work on your own shit.	yta. more to the point, you need help with a really weird type of jealousy. you're so jealous that normal affection between family members is setting you off. that's not good for you, or anyone else who's in a relationship with you.	yta that's his sister.. his.. older. sister you sound like you need therapy, whether that is for the weird assumption but it also sounds like you're jealous you couldn't go along	yta - that is some next-level jealousy. he won't stick around long if you keep that up.	lmfao!!!!! yta. your bf is hopefully trying to figure out how to dump you	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my[25f] boyfriend[25m] of 1 and a half years went on a road trip with his sister[27f i think?] this past week, and while i wanted to go as well, i knew it wasn’t in my rights to force them to take me so i said nothing. however, my boyfriend and his sister posted a lot of pictures on her social media of their experiences in the road trip. there are some really weird pictures though. most notably, one of the pictures show my boyfriend’s sister kissing him on the cheek and some other photos show her with her arm around his neck. i feel like many may interpret them as a couple rather than a sister-brother relationship. when my boyfriend got back yesterday, i got pissed at him and asked him about the photos. he said that i was being weird but i pressed on for a couple times and he got pissed and called me a pervert. he hasn’t called or texted me since. aita? i mean i feel like the pictures were kind of weird.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my[25f] boyfriend[25m] of 1 and a half years went on a road trip with his sister[27f i think?] this past week, and while i wanted to go as well, i knew it wasn’t in my rights to force them to take me so i said nothing. however, my boyfriend and his sister posted a lot of pictures on her social media of their experiences in the road trip. there are some really weird pictures though. most notably, one of the pictures show my boyfriend’s sister kissing him on the cheek and some other photos show her with her arm around his neck. i feel like many may interpret them as a couple rather than a sister-brother relationship. when my boyfriend got back yesterday, i got pissed at him and asked him about the photos. he said that i was being weird but i pressed on for a couple times and he got pissed and called me a pervert. he hasn’t called or texted me since. aita? i mean i feel like the pictures were kind of weird. [/INST] yta. there's still time to take this down. </s>
AITA for telling my brother that his wife ruined her own (and his) life?	today i went with my brother (i'll call him sam) to visit his wife (i'll call her amanda) in prison. why she's in there is a long story. basically, sam and amanda are very different people. he's quite a simple man. he's got an ok job (welder) which he enjoys and isn't particarly ambitious. he enjoys just having fun with his family (they have a four year old daughter, lexi). he's practically a giant child himself and loves just running around and being silly and making lexi laugh. he's a hopeless romantic who doesn't care what kind of life he lives so long as it's with amanda and lexi. amanda is the total opposite. she's a very ambitious and competitive person. she works at a senior/executive role at a big company and loves it. she loves the finer things in life. she's got a huge collection of gorgeous clothes, shoes, bags etc and always dresses beautifully. opposites attract in their case, but it's good because they've always brought out the best and stopped the worst in each other. she stops him from treating everything as fun and games and reminds him to have some ambitions like fitness etc. he stops her from getting too ambitious and competitive and gives her a lot of support with work stress. i won't say exactly what amanda did to get sent to prison. all i will say is that she did go too far in her attempt to reach a goal, and crossed a boundary into something illegal. as amanda was by far the higher earner, they've lost quite a big chunk of income since her employment was terminated. they've still got more than enough money saved up and sam is on a decent salary. the prison she's in is a 3 hour drive from where they live, but he tries to take lexi to see amanda as much as possible. when i saw her in prison i barely recognised her. she's a shell of the person i knew. obviously her career is destroyed and she has no idea what to do when she gets out. this is the first time i've seen her since she got locked up and she was crying her eyes out. sam was crying with her and hugging her and promising his "sweetheart" that all would be well. obviously i held her hands and told her it would all be ok, but when we left and were in the car home, i told sam i didn't feel sorry for his wife at all. she chose to screw people over to get what she wanted. she had a great job, a husband who adored her and a beautiful child. but that wasn't enough for her. she still wanted more and committed crimes to get it, and that has ruined their lives. sam was enraged. he dropped me home and told me that he doesn't want to hear from me at all unless i apologise. my husband thinks i should, because he's still hurting and misses her. i don't think what i said was wrong. sam needs to accept his wife's own role in where she's ended up.	5,635	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jtm3gu/aita_for_telling_my_brother_that_his_wife_ruined/	2020-11-13 19:12:17	yta—- read the room. to quote the big lebowski, “you’re not wrong, you’re just an asshole.”	info: did sam ask your opinion?	yta. you're not wrong, but you're still an asshole. there is a time and a place for conversations like that, and you clearly lacked the tact to recognize that the car ride home after an emotional meeting was not it.	i mean you’re not wrong to feel how you feel, but yta. way to kick your brother when he’s down. why would you even say something so tactless to him when you know how much he misses his wife? i don’t blame him for being angry with you. keep your opinions to yourself.	info: are you one of those delightful people who pride themselves on being “brutally honest” but mostly just enjoy the “brutal” part?	yta. your brother knows all that already. but he loves his wife, their daughter loves her mum, and why would you be so heartless about your brother's suffering? you can be kind to your brother without condoning his wife's crimes	info: did you actually say all that in front of lexi?	yta there was literally no reason for you to say this to your brother. it may be 100% true, but my god, sam didn't do anything wrong, you know he utterly adores his wife and he didn't need to hear this. it was not necessary in any way. unless you left out some really important parts here - sam didn't say she shouldn't be jail. he wasn't denying her culpability or saying she was framed. he comforted his wife. you comforted his wife. but you need to say this to him so he accepts her role in her own downfall? in what way has he indicated he hasn't accepted and more importantly - what does it matter and why do you see it as your job to make sure he's accepted this? if he continues to believe amanda walks on water, what difference does that make to you or anyone? you were hurtful and unkind to no purpose.	yta your statement might have made sense but i felt you said it way too soon. especially given how much he loved his wife, you should have chosen your timings and words more carefully, he's right to be mad	yta- why bother offering such a hurtful opinion during such a vulnerable time. it may be true and she may have hurt people but your brother is hurting and you essentially kicked him while he’s down. if you want a relationship with him you should apologise even if what you said isn’t untrue. he knows she messed up but he’s trying to keep things together.	YTA	INFO	YTA	YTA	INFO	YTA	INFO	YTA	YTA	YTA	0.041243	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: today i went with my brother (i'll call him sam) to visit his wife (i'll call her amanda) in prison. why she's in there is a long story. basically, sam and amanda are very different people. he's quite a simple man. he's got an ok job (welder) which he enjoys and isn't particarly ambitious. he enjoys just having fun with his family (they have a four year old daughter, lexi). he's practically a giant child himself and loves just running around and being silly and making lexi laugh. he's a hopeless romantic who doesn't care what kind of life he lives so long as it's with amanda and lexi. amanda is the total opposite. she's a very ambitious and competitive person. she works at a senior/executive role at a big company and loves it. she loves the finer things in life. she's got a huge collection of gorgeous clothes, shoes, bags etc and always dresses beautifully. opposites attract in their case, but it's good because they've always brought out the best and stopped the worst in each other. she stops him from treating everything as fun and games and reminds him to have some ambitions like fitness etc. he stops her from getting too ambitious and competitive and gives her a lot of support with work stress. i won't say exactly what amanda did to get sent to prison. all i will say is that she did go too far in her attempt to reach a goal, and crossed a boundary into something illegal. as amanda was by far the higher earner, they've lost quite a big chunk of income since her employment was terminated. they've still got more than enough money saved up and sam is on a decent salary. the prison she's in is a 3 hour drive from where they live, but he tries to take lexi to see amanda as much as possible. when i saw her in prison i barely recognised her. she's a shell of the person i knew. obviously her career is destroyed and she has no idea what to do when she gets out. this is the first time i've seen her since she got locked up and she was crying her eyes out. sam was crying with her and hugging her and promising his "sweetheart" that all would be well. obviously i held her hands and told her it would all be ok, but when we left and were in the car home, i told sam i didn't feel sorry for his wife at all. she chose to screw people over to get what she wanted. she had a great job, a husband who adored her and a beautiful child. but that wasn't enough for her. she still wanted more and committed crimes to get it, and that has ruined their lives. sam was enraged. he dropped me home and told me that he doesn't want to hear from me at all unless i apologise. my husband thinks i should, because he's still hurting and misses her. i don't think what i said was wrong. sam needs to accept his wife's own role in where she's ended up.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> today i went with my brother (i'll call him sam) to visit his wife (i'll call her amanda) in prison. why she's in there is a long story. basically, sam and amanda are very different people. he's quite a simple man. he's got an ok job (welder) which he enjoys and isn't particarly ambitious. he enjoys just having fun with his family (they have a four year old daughter, lexi). he's practically a giant child himself and loves just running around and being silly and making lexi laugh. he's a hopeless romantic who doesn't care what kind of life he lives so long as it's with amanda and lexi. amanda is the total opposite. she's a very ambitious and competitive person. she works at a senior/executive role at a big company and loves it. she loves the finer things in life. she's got a huge collection of gorgeous clothes, shoes, bags etc and always dresses beautifully. opposites attract in their case, but it's good because they've always brought out the best and stopped the worst in each other. she stops him from treating everything as fun and games and reminds him to have some ambitions like fitness etc. he stops her from getting too ambitious and competitive and gives her a lot of support with work stress. i won't say exactly what amanda did to get sent to prison. all i will say is that she did go too far in her attempt to reach a goal, and crossed a boundary into something illegal. as amanda was by far the higher earner, they've lost quite a big chunk of income since her employment was terminated. they've still got more than enough money saved up and sam is on a decent salary. the prison she's in is a 3 hour drive from where they live, but he tries to take lexi to see amanda as much as possible. when i saw her in prison i barely recognised her. she's a shell of the person i knew. obviously her career is destroyed and she has no idea what to do when she gets out. this is the first time i've seen her since she got locked up and she was crying her eyes out. sam was crying with her and hugging her and promising his "sweetheart" that all would be well. obviously i held her hands and told her it would all be ok, but when we left and were in the car home, i told sam i didn't feel sorry for his wife at all. she chose to screw people over to get what she wanted. she had a great job, a husband who adored her and a beautiful child. but that wasn't enough for her. she still wanted more and committed crimes to get it, and that has ruined their lives. sam was enraged. he dropped me home and told me that he doesn't want to hear from me at all unless i apologise. my husband thinks i should, because he's still hurting and misses her. i don't think what i said was wrong. sam needs to accept his wife's own role in where she's ended up. [/INST] yta—- read the room. to quote the big lebowski, “you’re not wrong, you’re just an asshole.” </s>
AITA for letting my toddler destroy 200$?	at my 1yo child's birthday some relative gave him 200$. (i) said i'll take it and (r)elative denied. i: don't worry, i spend it on him or put it in his saving account; r: no, i want to give him money myself; i: surprised pikachu face that's not the best idea, he will eat it or something; r: but that's his money and i want him to have it. at this point i'm just tired of this fruitless conversation and said sure, go ahead. and then i watched my son grabbing this money, rotate it in his little hands and tear it to pieces in like 3 sec. relative called me names because "i knew it's gonna happen" and i obviously knew so i couldn't denied. but really is it that shocking, he's 1 for fuck sake and i told her to not give him this money (on mobile and not native speaker, of course it wasn't 200$ but equivalent in my currency)	22,845	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ia7s4c/aita_for_letting_my_toddler_destroy_200/	2020-08-15 13:57:54	nta. i mean, you told him not to give it to her, what did he think you were trying to do?	yta don't tell your son what to do with his money	nta. you hand a toddler a toy, not actual money.	nta you said he’d eat it or something, the relative insisted on giving it to him. when the relative said you knew he would do that, did you reply, “yes, i knew and i told you less than 5 minutes ago.”	nta it’s your child, and if you don’t want something in his mouth, don’t allow someone to bully you into them putting it in their mouth. you knew what was gonna happen.	lmaooo nta-why give money in bare cash to a 1-year old, kids that age either put everything in their mouth or fuck shit up.	nta- what did they think was going to happen, that the 1 year old was going put that money in the stock market?	thank you all for answers, i, in fact, keep the pieces for a entertaining purposes and try replace it in a bank following your advice. some of you wonder why i let this happen and this can't be real, well, i'm kinda tired-of-your-shit person and that's my way to cope with dumb persons - i let her do her ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ have great day everyone and don't let toddlers to dig in your wallet	nta, of course! what did they expect?! although i originally read this as "aita for letting my toddler destroy 2020?" and my immediate reaction was that's a pretty outrageous burden to lay at the feet of a young child.	x: don't do it, that is a bad idea y: i am going to do it x: don't do it y: i am going to do it x: fine. y: how dare you let me do it?!?! wtf? nta	NTA	YTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	0.031039	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: at my 1yo child's birthday some relative gave him 200$. (i) said i'll take it and (r)elative denied. i: don't worry, i spend it on him or put it in his saving account; r: no, i want to give him money myself; i: surprised pikachu face that's not the best idea, he will eat it or something; r: but that's his money and i want him to have it. at this point i'm just tired of this fruitless conversation and said sure, go ahead. and then i watched my son grabbing this money, rotate it in his little hands and tear it to pieces in like 3 sec. relative called me names because "i knew it's gonna happen" and i obviously knew so i couldn't denied. but really is it that shocking, he's 1 for fuck sake and i told her to not give him this money (on mobile and not native speaker, of course it wasn't 200$ but equivalent in my currency)	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> at my 1yo child's birthday some relative gave him 200$. (i) said i'll take it and (r)elative denied. i: don't worry, i spend it on him or put it in his saving account; r: no, i want to give him money myself; i: surprised pikachu face that's not the best idea, he will eat it or something; r: but that's his money and i want him to have it. at this point i'm just tired of this fruitless conversation and said sure, go ahead. and then i watched my son grabbing this money, rotate it in his little hands and tear it to pieces in like 3 sec. relative called me names because "i knew it's gonna happen" and i obviously knew so i couldn't denied. but really is it that shocking, he's 1 for fuck sake and i told her to not give him this money (on mobile and not native speaker, of course it wasn't 200$ but equivalent in my currency) [/INST] nta. i mean, you told him not to give it to her, what did he think you were trying to do? </s>
AITA for letting my fiance spend my sons birthday with him instead of my ex?	i have a daughter(8) and a son(10) with my ex wife. i recently got engaged to my fiance(23f). 2 days ago was my sons birthday. the kids were staying with me but unfortunately i had to go to another city for work and couldnt spend the day with him. this also happpened for my daughters 6th birthday in which i let them go to their moms home because i didnt want her to be alone for her birthday. well this year my fiance suggested spending the day with the kids and i thought it would be a good idea. they like her and its a good chance to bond with her even more so why not? from what ive heard the kids enjoyed it however my ex is really angry. she called me an asshole because she thinks the kids should have spent the day with her and not my fiance. she blew up t me and said a lot of rude things about me and my fiance. i think she is being unreasonable because it was the kids time with me so i get to decide what to do not her	4,318	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zkumrd/aita_for_letting_my_fiance_spend_my_sons_birthday/	2022-12-13 12:33:41	yta - it was the kids time with you, and you weren’t there. given how it was your son’s bday, you should have checked with the ex to see if she wanted to spend time with him that day. put your kids first. would you think a kid would want to spend their birthday getting to know someone new or rather with another parent who knows what their interests are and can make their birthday special.	yta. it was your time with the kids and you couldn’t be there, which already makes you yta if you could‘ve prevented that but didn’t bother to try/put effort into it. and when you can‘t spend the time with your children, the biological mother comes next in line. that‘s also in the interest of the children!	hopefully your ex goes to court and gets rofr, right of first refusal, so when you can not be around, they come to her.	info: what's the age gap here? in another comment you say she's been around for 2 years meaning she was 21 but you have a 10 year old so...how old are you? how did you start the relationship ship with your fiance? what's the relationship between your ex wife and your fiance? is your fiance trying to force a mothering role on your children?	your custody agreement is for you spending time with kids, not for random people who are not family. yta. you could’ve planned to spend this day with your kids, you could’ve rearranged plans with your ex, instead someone else took care of the kid on his bday.	info: did you ask him where he wanted to spend his birthday?	yta for continuing to work on your kids birthdays instead of prioritizing them for literally one day a year	i think yta . she's their mother ffs. you should've asker her if she wanted to have them since it was also her sons birthday. you don't have to be this strict with dad or mom days if she's doing a good job being a mom, kids love her etc.	yta. the day a child is born is an important event for a child but also a big deal for the person who gave birth to them. it’s good that you want them to bond with your fiancée, but in your absence i really think you should offer mom an opportunity to take the child for the day or at the very least join in the celebration.	yta so you abandon your kids on their birthday. and: have you ever even considered asking the kids what they want? &#x200b; you are an ah and a shitty parent.	YTA	YTA	null	INFO	YTA	INFO	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0.02053	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i have a daughter(8) and a son(10) with my ex wife. i recently got engaged to my fiance(23f). 2 days ago was my sons birthday. the kids were staying with me but unfortunately i had to go to another city for work and couldnt spend the day with him. this also happpened for my daughters 6th birthday in which i let them go to their moms home because i didnt want her to be alone for her birthday. well this year my fiance suggested spending the day with the kids and i thought it would be a good idea. they like her and its a good chance to bond with her even more so why not? from what ive heard the kids enjoyed it however my ex is really angry. she called me an asshole because she thinks the kids should have spent the day with her and not my fiance. she blew up t me and said a lot of rude things about me and my fiance. i think she is being unreasonable because it was the kids time with me so i get to decide what to do not her	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i have a daughter(8) and a son(10) with my ex wife. i recently got engaged to my fiance(23f). 2 days ago was my sons birthday. the kids were staying with me but unfortunately i had to go to another city for work and couldnt spend the day with him. this also happpened for my daughters 6th birthday in which i let them go to their moms home because i didnt want her to be alone for her birthday. well this year my fiance suggested spending the day with the kids and i thought it would be a good idea. they like her and its a good chance to bond with her even more so why not? from what ive heard the kids enjoyed it however my ex is really angry. she called me an asshole because she thinks the kids should have spent the day with her and not my fiance. she blew up t me and said a lot of rude things about me and my fiance. i think she is being unreasonable because it was the kids time with me so i get to decide what to do not her [/INST] yta - it was the kids time with you, and you weren’t there. given how it was your son’s bday, you should have checked with the ex to see if she wanted to spend time with him that day. put your kids first. would you think a kid would want to spend their birthday getting to know someone new or rather with another parent who knows what their interests are and can make their birthday special. </s>
WIBTA if I don’t let my daughter put a lock on her door?	my daughter has recently turned 16 and, for a couple of months now, has been constantly asking for a lock to be put on her door. she says it’s to keep her brother out - who barges into her room every now and then to bother her - but i’m not sure if the benefit is worth having the lock in place. i don’t like the secrecy of her locking herself in her room and i’m worried she’s trying to hide something from me or that she’ll take the opportunity to lock me out. i admit that i’ve forgotten to knock sometimes but other than that i see no reason as to why she’d need a lock. the way i see it, it’s my house and i am simply unwilling to have any locks put in anywhere. she’s young, and doesn’t really know what’s she’s asking for. so, wibta if i don’t let her get the lock installed?	20,083	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cj8qg9/wibta_if_i_dont_let_my_daughter_put_a_lock_on_her/	2019-07-29 09:08:32	yta, kids need privacy. keep a spare key in case of emergency's (don't use it for grabbing clothes for a wash) if you are not gonna let her have secrets in her own room she is gonna have them outside where your control is 0.0%	yta lol. let her fap without having to worry about anyone coming in	yta and this is a massive part of the reason that i moved out of my parents house as soon as i could. i'm not being crude but your daughter needs her privacy, she could be doing anything in there, or changing clothes, and does not want anyone barging in on her. especially with a brother who barges in and probably roots through her things. i can assure you she wants that lock not because shes up to no good, but because she needs her space. there is nothing more mentally depreciating than not being allowed privacy in your own home. -----‐ edit thanks for the silver! i'm overwhelmed with all the comments on this from people who had a really shitty time with privacy growing up. i'm so sorry to hear a lot of your stories and super extreme sounding parents. i dont personally want kids myself, but i always think if i had them i would do so many things differently to how i was raised.	>doesn't really know what she's asking for she wants a lock on her door. that is what she is asking for. yta	\> i admit that i’ve forgotten to knock sometimes but other than that i see no reason as to why she’d need a lock. \> she says it’s to keep her brother out - who barges into her room every now and then to bother her you're a bit dense. \> she’s young, and doesn’t really know what’s she’s asking for. and you think your child is an idiot. 16 year olds aren't as stupid as you think. yta. you aren't legally required to give your daughter that much privacy but you're simply telling her that her privacy isn't important to you. and you think she's an idiot.	yta she's 16, old enough for privacy. or would you prefer that her little brother finds her sex toys or that you walk in on her masturbating?	yta- you admit yourself you don’t knock and her brother goes in too, give her a lock. she might not even use it, but knowing she has the possibility of using it can make all the difference.	yta. 1. she's a sixteen-year-old girl whose brother is barging in on her. that is a reason. how the hell would you like it if a family member you didn't like - especially a male family member - got to barge in on you at random moments when you might be getting dressed or anything, and you had no right to stop her? 2. not old enough? she's 16! who doesn't understand what a lock is at 16? 3. here's the hardest part... yes, as your children get older they sometimes will have things that they don't want to talk about with you. that's a normal part of growing up and differentiating yourselves from your parents. i was pretty much a model 16-year-old - working at school, well-behaved, wasn't even dating - and i still did not want to tell my parents everything about my life, and i certainly wanted my privacy! that is normal! it sounds as though you're having a very hard time accepting that your daughter is growing up and starting to have parts of her life separate from yours. and that is difficult; i'm a parent and i also struggle with it. but, i repeat... this stage is necessary. a good parent will accept it and will work on maintaining a good relationship so that their child will feel comfortable talking to them about stuff going on in their lives. those are the parents whose children are more likely to be able to talk to them. some parents are too controlling to handle this stage well; they try to stop their children going through this normal part of growing up. apart from this being a rotten way to treat someone, it also backfires; it means they have children who don't feel safe or comfortable talking to them when there's a problem, and who are more likely to keep secrets and get into trouble. so, the choice is yours; which type of parent are you going to be? (books i can recommend: 'parenting without power struggles' by stiffelman, and 'how to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk' by faber and mazlish.)	yta - my brother use to barge into my room when i was 16 and he was 4ish. i hated it so much, but because he broke the frame, the door only needed to be pushed hard for it to open. the lock was useless. my mom and his dad thought it was hilarious and so did he because he would do it constantly. i hated taking showers at home because he would open and close the door multiple times until i would snap and yell at him. then, of course, i would get into trouble for yelling. it was all very humiliating. get your kid a lock on her door. don't be an asshole.	yta if you don't install a lock and don't also consistently enforce privacy rules in your house. i never had a lock on my door, but that's because my parents a) let me keep my door shut, b) always knocked, c) waited until i actually said "come in" or opened the door for them before they walked in, and d) enforced these rules for everyone in the household. if one of my brothers had insisted on barging into my room regularly, i wouldn't feel safe, and i would have needed a lock. so, if you can't prevent your son (and yourself) from entering her room without her express permission, get her a lock so she can get changed in peace.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my daughter has recently turned 16 and, for a couple of months now, has been constantly asking for a lock to be put on her door. she says it’s to keep her brother out - who barges into her room every now and then to bother her - but i’m not sure if the benefit is worth having the lock in place. i don’t like the secrecy of her locking herself in her room and i’m worried she’s trying to hide something from me or that she’ll take the opportunity to lock me out. i admit that i’ve forgotten to knock sometimes but other than that i see no reason as to why she’d need a lock. the way i see it, it’s my house and i am simply unwilling to have any locks put in anywhere. she’s young, and doesn’t really know what’s she’s asking for. so, wibta if i don’t let her get the lock installed?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my daughter has recently turned 16 and, for a couple of months now, has been constantly asking for a lock to be put on her door. she says it’s to keep her brother out - who barges into her room every now and then to bother her - but i’m not sure if the benefit is worth having the lock in place. i don’t like the secrecy of her locking herself in her room and i’m worried she’s trying to hide something from me or that she’ll take the opportunity to lock me out. i admit that i’ve forgotten to knock sometimes but other than that i see no reason as to why she’d need a lock. the way i see it, it’s my house and i am simply unwilling to have any locks put in anywhere. she’s young, and doesn’t really know what’s she’s asking for. so, wibta if i don’t let her get the lock installed? [/INST] yta, kids need privacy. keep a spare key in case of emergency's (don't use it for grabbing clothes for a wash) if you are not gonna let her have secrets in her own room she is gonna have them outside where your control is 0.0% </s>
AITA for not wanting to pass down my enggement ring to my future DIL?	my son, sam, (26) and his longtime girlfriend, now fiancee, emily, (26) finally decided to get married. they had announced their engagement privately to my husband and me, and after the initial excitement, they said they had something important to talk to me about. sam wanted my engagement ring to give to emily. sam said this would be a great way to keep him from starting his marriage in debt from having to buy a new expensive diamond ring. emily also added that she has liked the look of my ring a lot and would love for me to pass it down to her. i love my engagement ring. i have worn it everyday since my husband proposed to me with it and to be honest, i still have plenty of years to live that i want to keep wearing it until i am old and grey. also, my ring is not a family heirloom. my husband chose and bought this ring for me many years ago. so, i told them that i appreciated them wanting my ring, but no, i wanted to keep it. i listed out the reasons above and how i don't want to part with my ring yet for the rest of my still-long life. however, when i am old, i would be more than happy to give it to their future children. well, sam and emily weren't happy with my answer and sam actually called me selfish and materialistic. he said that diamonds are a scam and asked how i could let him go into debt to buy a new ring. emily was disappointed and said that she had hoped that my ring could become a family heirloom and it would be a token of accepting her into our family (i have always liked emily and we got along great). they also said that i could keep my wedding band so it wasn't like they were leaving me without any rings to wear. aita?	18,835	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pdaril/aita_for_not_wanting_to_pass_down_my_enggement/	2021-08-28 14:29:07	nta how “generous” of them to say you could keep your wedding band. what a pair of entitled children!!! your engagement ring has lots of emotional value to you, and you wear it daily. they have no right to it at all, and you shouldn’t feel the slightest bit of guilt for kindly declining to offer it. i’m sorry that your son is being so awful to you over this. wear your ring with joy and pride, and let your son and his fiancée sort their ring issues without your assistance.	[deleted]	wait till they ask for your house to avoid mortgage debt! nta	nta if your son thinks diamonds are a scam then he shouldn’t worry about getting her an engagement ring at all. just give her a simple wedding band on the day of the ceremony. it would be different if this were a family heirloom sitting in a jewelry box somewhere but it’s not. the self-entitlement is real here. the fact that they have been together for a while and “finally decided to get married” tells me that he had time to save for a ring of her own. the audacity to ask for the ring off your hand blows my mind.	>sam actually called me selfish and materialistic. he said that diamonds are a scam and asked how i could let him go into debt to buy a new ring. i've always marveled at how people can have the audacity to call someone selfish for wanting to keep their own possessions while at the same time demanding that others should hand over their money or property to them. your son doesn't believe or buy any of that bullshit he's saying. he's just throwing every manipulation at the wall to see what sticks. nta.	nta this is crazy, the cheek they had to even ask! i could understand if they were asking for grandma’s ring which you wore after she died or something but not your own engagement ring!! rings become passed down after death in the family, not whilst people are still married and alive. even more worrying is their reaction to you saying no.	lmao what a scam mom i have a great idea. i don't want to buy my own shit. give me yours no? well it's shit junk anyways and you suck for owning it. op. your son missed his calling as a televangelist. nta	nta how could anyone possibly be so selfishly unaware as to argue that he \must\ have your ring while also arguing that diamonds are a scam. i have never heard of engagement or wedding rings being given to children when the woman is still alive. when i opened this thread i assumed it was some form of jewelry that was passed along to the daughters in the family and therefore you wanted to keep that tradition by giving it to your daughter and not your son. i couldn't believe that it was your actual ring that you still wore. what a manipulative vulture.	nta. they are not entitled to the ring off of your finger. your husband gave that ring to you, and it's important to you. it's time for sam and emily to figure out their own preferences, etc. as for "diamonds are a scam," if they don't want to buy a diamond engagement ring for her, then don't get her a diamond engagement ring. there are moissanite rings, there are sapphire rings, and any other stone that they would like. if they think that giving away mom's engagement ring is such a great idea, then they can give their future daughter-in-law her ring off of her finger when that time comes. my most treasured items are my grandmother's jewellery that i'd inherited... including her wedding ring. trying to rip a bridal set off of someone's finger is infuriating to me. i will part with my own bridal set when it's cut off of my cold, dead hand. (hell, my mother had an accident about 30 years ago: a knife went through her hand. the doctor wanted her wedding ring off... but it didn't come off because she'd gained weight, developed arthritis, etc, over the years. when he wanted to cut it off, my mother told him that it was only happening if they cut off her entire finger, so kindly work around it. wedding sets are sacred, damn it.)	nta >he said that diamonds are a scam and asked how i could let him go into debt to buy a new ring. so he knows diamonds are a scam but he still wants one? tell him to go buy a ring with cubic zirconias in it then. it's your ring, don't let him guilt you into handing it over.	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my son, sam, (26) and his longtime girlfriend, now fiancee, emily, (26) finally decided to get married. they had announced their engagement privately to my husband and me, and after the initial excitement, they said they had something important to talk to me about. sam wanted my engagement ring to give to emily. sam said this would be a great way to keep him from starting his marriage in debt from having to buy a new expensive diamond ring. emily also added that she has liked the look of my ring a lot and would love for me to pass it down to her. i love my engagement ring. i have worn it everyday since my husband proposed to me with it and to be honest, i still have plenty of years to live that i want to keep wearing it until i am old and grey. also, my ring is not a family heirloom. my husband chose and bought this ring for me many years ago. so, i told them that i appreciated them wanting my ring, but no, i wanted to keep it. i listed out the reasons above and how i don't want to part with my ring yet for the rest of my still-long life. however, when i am old, i would be more than happy to give it to their future children. well, sam and emily weren't happy with my answer and sam actually called me selfish and materialistic. he said that diamonds are a scam and asked how i could let him go into debt to buy a new ring. emily was disappointed and said that she had hoped that my ring could become a family heirloom and it would be a token of accepting her into our family (i have always liked emily and we got along great). they also said that i could keep my wedding band so it wasn't like they were leaving me without any rings to wear. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my son, sam, (26) and his longtime girlfriend, now fiancee, emily, (26) finally decided to get married. they had announced their engagement privately to my husband and me, and after the initial excitement, they said they had something important to talk to me about. sam wanted my engagement ring to give to emily. sam said this would be a great way to keep him from starting his marriage in debt from having to buy a new expensive diamond ring. emily also added that she has liked the look of my ring a lot and would love for me to pass it down to her. i love my engagement ring. i have worn it everyday since my husband proposed to me with it and to be honest, i still have plenty of years to live that i want to keep wearing it until i am old and grey. also, my ring is not a family heirloom. my husband chose and bought this ring for me many years ago. so, i told them that i appreciated them wanting my ring, but no, i wanted to keep it. i listed out the reasons above and how i don't want to part with my ring yet for the rest of my still-long life. however, when i am old, i would be more than happy to give it to their future children. well, sam and emily weren't happy with my answer and sam actually called me selfish and materialistic. he said that diamonds are a scam and asked how i could let him go into debt to buy a new ring. emily was disappointed and said that she had hoped that my ring could become a family heirloom and it would be a token of accepting her into our family (i have always liked emily and we got along great). they also said that i could keep my wedding band so it wasn't like they were leaving me without any rings to wear. aita? [/INST] nta how “generous” of them to say you could keep your wedding band. what a pair of entitled children!!! your engagement ring has lots of emotional value to you, and you wear it daily. they have no right to it at all, and you shouldn’t feel the slightest bit of guilt for kindly declining to offer it. i’m sorry that your son is being so awful to you over this. wear your ring with joy and pride, and let your son and his fiancée sort their ring issues without your assistance. </s>
AITA for giving my wife an ultimatum about getting a dog?	i had a dog when my wife and i got married. i loved her, she was my buddy. when my wife got pregnant, she became increasingly paranoid that the dog would be a danger to the baby. she brought up rehoming, and i refused. she was an "aggressive breed", but she was trained. one day, she called me crying at work that the dog ran away and she couldn't run after her. i believed her. i looked for that dog for weeks. i finally just accepted it because we had to go to the hospital to welcome our child and there were just other pressing concerns. it's been 5 years since then, and we now have three children. i've wanted to get a new dog, but the kids take a lot of energy and time. my wife has always had a new excuse not to get another dog. i found out recently that my dog didn't run away, my wife and her father took the dog to the pound while i was at work because her parents agreed with her about the dog being "dangerous". i'm furious. she was my dog, my baby. she wasn't dangerous. i would never have agreed to that. she probably never got adopted. i'm honestly mad enough to consider a separation if not for the kids and practical reasons. i've told her that the only way to make it up even a little bit is for us to get a dog. she ultimately doesn't want a dog at all, and complained that she would have to do too much with it. i'm not planning to let up on this one this time.	28,634	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hreyxc/aita_for_giving_my_wife_an_ultimatum_about/	2020-07-15 02:05:19	nta get a dog after your divorce dude.	nta i can't believe she would go out of her way to make family plans to destroy your trust. i would never be with someone who disrespected me to that degree, wow. don't get a dog with this woman, she didn't care about getting rid of your dog before what's to stop her from just doing the same thing again?	nta honestly, it sounds like your marriage has serious issues and you should see a couple's counselor. your wife is okay with lying to you to get her way... that's bigger than just this dog issue	esh. as soon as i read that your dog "ran away," i knew your wife had gotten rid of it. the reasons she is an ah is abundantly clear, so i'm not going to get into that. why are you an ah, too? you don't bring in a pet into a home where it won't be accepted and loved by everyone. this will create and/or increase the wedge between you and your wife. she will hate the dog, and i can guarantee that the dog will have an "accident" at some point. you fail to realize this near-certainty. if you get a dog now, you're going to get it killed. i'm so sorry that you can't separate from your wife at this time, but she showed you who she is, so while circumstances now may now allow it, it won't stay that way forever. don't stay "for the kids." you can be a better father and a better person not sharing a bed with a woman who went behind your back and lied to your face about it.	nta but, i don’t think it’s wise to get a dog while in that relationship. how would your wife treat and care for the dog? would she find a way for this one to disappear too? not only did she send your dog to the pound, and lie about it for years, she also appears not to have any remorse for having done so. i would seriously consider a divorce. trade in your wife for a new dog.	nta dont get another dog yet. wait until after you divorce her. she is a sociopath.	nta. "the kids" are not a reason to stay married if the relationship is toxic, imo. that is something i personally could never forgive. if you are going to stick it out, please seek couple's counseling. you either need to find your way past it or end it; living with resentment won't be good for anyone involved.	esh, if the issue of having a dog was too big a bloody hill to die on for both of you, you should have resolved it before having a child. now that’s come and gone, one of you is going to have to compromise and with you issuing an ultimatum, who’s to say your next dog isn’t going to ‘run away’ as well? i don’t blame you for wanting another dog, what she did was a huge betrayal and one that if my husband did, i would never forgive. that being said, i cannot in good conscience be ok with forcing a dog on your wife when she so clearly dislikes them. she will most likely find another way to get rid of that one as well. i think couples counseling or a temporary separation till you both resolved this would be much better.	op you keep saying how its too hard to leave her, her parents own the house, you would never get the kids, etc. does she tell you these things? does she say things like "you would never make it without me. you'd have nowhere to live and good luck getting the kids" etc? i dont want to make assumptions but its a pretty terrible thing she did and you seem to be making some lame excuses as to why you can't leave. i'm concerned there is more underlying here... maybe research some signs of emotional abuse and see if any of them ring true for you. either way i hope things work out for you https://www.gosmartlife.com/emotional-abuse-test	nta. i honestly don't know if i could forgive her.	NTA	NTA	NTA	ESH	NTA	NTA	NTA	ESH	null	NTA	0.06929	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i had a dog when my wife and i got married. i loved her, she was my buddy. when my wife got pregnant, she became increasingly paranoid that the dog would be a danger to the baby. she brought up rehoming, and i refused. she was an "aggressive breed", but she was trained. one day, she called me crying at work that the dog ran away and she couldn't run after her. i believed her. i looked for that dog for weeks. i finally just accepted it because we had to go to the hospital to welcome our child and there were just other pressing concerns. it's been 5 years since then, and we now have three children. i've wanted to get a new dog, but the kids take a lot of energy and time. my wife has always had a new excuse not to get another dog. i found out recently that my dog didn't run away, my wife and her father took the dog to the pound while i was at work because her parents agreed with her about the dog being "dangerous". i'm furious. she was my dog, my baby. she wasn't dangerous. i would never have agreed to that. she probably never got adopted. i'm honestly mad enough to consider a separation if not for the kids and practical reasons. i've told her that the only way to make it up even a little bit is for us to get a dog. she ultimately doesn't want a dog at all, and complained that she would have to do too much with it. i'm not planning to let up on this one this time.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i had a dog when my wife and i got married. i loved her, she was my buddy. when my wife got pregnant, she became increasingly paranoid that the dog would be a danger to the baby. she brought up rehoming, and i refused. she was an "aggressive breed", but she was trained. one day, she called me crying at work that the dog ran away and she couldn't run after her. i believed her. i looked for that dog for weeks. i finally just accepted it because we had to go to the hospital to welcome our child and there were just other pressing concerns. it's been 5 years since then, and we now have three children. i've wanted to get a new dog, but the kids take a lot of energy and time. my wife has always had a new excuse not to get another dog. i found out recently that my dog didn't run away, my wife and her father took the dog to the pound while i was at work because her parents agreed with her about the dog being "dangerous". i'm furious. she was my dog, my baby. she wasn't dangerous. i would never have agreed to that. she probably never got adopted. i'm honestly mad enough to consider a separation if not for the kids and practical reasons. i've told her that the only way to make it up even a little bit is for us to get a dog. she ultimately doesn't want a dog at all, and complained that she would have to do too much with it. i'm not planning to let up on this one this time. [/INST] nta get a dog after your divorce dude. </s>
AITA for not doing anything for my daughters birthday?	my daughter (let’s call her thea) turned 15 last saturday and due to the pandemic we couldn’t really celebrate it. i asked her a few days before if there was something special she wanted to do and she said no. on the day of her birthday i asked her if she wanted me to order cake and she refused that too. she’s introverted and doesn’t like making a big deal of things so i let it be. she spent most of her day talking to her friends on call and i cooked a nice dinner for her and my son. my wife is usually the one who organises birthdays and stuff but she’s been living with her mother for the past few days (due to some health issues). on most birthdays my wife is also met with the “i want nothing” by my daughter but she does stuff anyways. she usually bakes a cake, buys some gifts and cooks all her favourite foods. the next day, on call she asked me what i did for thea’s birthday and when i told her my daughter didn’t want a celebration- she blew up on me. according to her my daughter is “too shy” to ask for things and doesn’t like asking people to make a fuss about her birthday. she was very angry that i didn’t even buy cake even after i repeatedly told her thea said she didn’t want cake. according to her these are things that should be done without asking. i would like to mention that my wife coddles my children a lot. i thought that was the end of the conversation. later in the evening, my brother in law showed up with cake and gifts for thea. my wife probably asked him to do so but he’s very close to the kids so i didn’t think much of it but then he jokingly said to me, “what kind of father doesn’t buy cake for his kids birthday?” i told him the same thing again and he said that having your birthday during the pandemic was horrible enough and i should have just bought some cake. i agree it is but she said she didn’t want it! it’s been annoying me a lot. i hate how both my wife and bil keep implying that i don’t know what my own damn kid wants. i just want to know am i really the asshole? i just did what my daughter asked. more information: 1. i did not do “nothing” for my daughter. i made pizza for dinner which she loves. i also sang her the birthday song and hugged her really tight. there was someone who had a problem with that: my daughter isn’t big on physical contact but she likes to hug people on their birthdays. it’s a tradition she started. i was not forcing her to do something she didn’t want to do. 2. the whole “buying the cake on the same day.” i don’t know how it is where you live but as long as i can remember cakes are bought on the day of the birthday. i did not know this was something people didn’t do. unless of course it’s a customised cake and we haven’t done that for the kids since they were 10. 3. my wife is not a horrible person. a little bit overbearing sure. she did wish my daughter in the morning but she’s busy taking care of her mother.	4,351	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/islx0g/aita_for_not_doing_anything_for_my_daughters/	2020-09-14 14:28:59	yta the reasonable question is "what kind of cake do you want" not "do you want a cake". my dad did this stuff to me - i also refused, not because i didn't want a cake but because he made me feel like a burden. it's your kid's birthday and your wife is correct - somethings don't need to be asked. it sounds like you didn't get her a gift either - did you just leave that out or did you really do literally nothing for your child's birthday?	yta. seriously? who doesn’t get their 15 y/o anything for her bday? these are things that should go without saying. you shouldn’t even have to ask.	gentle yta. your wife is probably right - your daughter is too shy or polite to tell you what she wants you to do for her birthday (don’t even get me started on how society conditions women to make themselves small for men’s comfort). mom always made sure she was celebrated so daughter likely thought she could “decline” your offers and it would happen anyway. it sounds like your wife struck a good balance between making the day special without causing thea to feel uncomfortable. celebrating a child’s birthday, even if they politely say you don’t have to do anything, is not coddling them. i suggest you plan a special activity with your daughter to remind her that you value her and her special day.	yta i am like your daughter - someone asking whether they should buy me a cake makes me think “oh if i say yes, they might be buying the cake only because i asked for it, not because they really wanted to buy me a cake”. part of this is on your daughter for not communicating her actual needs (tho it doesn’t seem like she actually reacted negatively because your bil stepped in). but as a parent, sometimes you have to step up and make certain moments special even when she claims she doesn’t want it. in this instance, yta rather than no one being an asshole bc you knew she always says this but gets cake anyways (presumably eats/enjoys it)and decided to change the status quo by not getting one so that she wouldn’t be “coddled”. this is already a stressful time and i don’t get why you wouldn’t fill in for your wife who couldn’t be there and just get a cake.	not enough info. the only person whose opinion matters is your daughter’s. it’s possible you were being dense. it’s also possible that she really does not want to celebrate her birthday and it would then disrespectful for you to ignore her wishes.	info: tell me more about the nice dinner you made? was it thea's favorite? do you make a nice dinner every night or was this specifically nicer so as to count as a "birthday" dinner? did you sing "happy birthday" or acknowledge it in any way with a toast or some kind words?	[deleted]	nah- but asking someone “do you want cake on your birthday” is kinda weird. i would feel weird saying yes i want one, because i don’t like being the center of attention and that feels like saying i want you to go out of your way to do something for me. i would have asked “what kind of cake do you want this year”. i don’t think you’re an asshole though, and i wouldn’t berate you for it, i just probably am more similar to your wife and would have done the birthday stuff on my own.	absolutely nta. my god, i’m blown away by these comments saying yta. as someone who has been like op’s daughter for the last decade, when i say i don’t want to celebrate my birthday, i fucking mean it. and do you know how many times that has been respected? twice in a decade. i’m horrible at receiving gifts (no matter how much i might love the gift itself), so i don’t like being given them, i hate being the center of attention, i loathe the song happy birthday, and i hate people making a fuss about me for multiple reasons. when i genuinely bring this up, people get mad because “your birthday is about people celebrating you! don’t deprive them of it!” so basically who cares what i want? last time this happened was at work and i refused to tell people my birthday (because they tend to throw small parties for birthdays) so they snuck into my wallet to find my id and birthday and proceeded to throw me a massive surprise party. i smiled through it and then went home and cried for hours because why couldn't people just respect my wishes? op’s daughter said she didn’t want to celebrate her bday. op still made it somewhat special by making her her favourite meal for dinner and giving her a quiet bday celebration therefore he acknowledged it and still made it special. asking her if she wanted a cake was a little odd and i can see how that might be weird but op’s daughter also has a voice and she said a week prior that she didn’t want to celebrate it. op listened to his daughter and respected her wishes. plus, op’s daughter apparently never gave any indication she was unhappy with how he handled her birthday. if op’s mother wants to celebrate it her own way then she can do that but i wonder if she ever asked her daughter what she wanted to do on her birthday? maybe the daughter hates the big celebration? massive nta. edited so my nta vote gets counted	nta - my therapist and i actually had a similar discussion about this. she said, basically everyone deals with this kind of thing differently. if you ask some people what they want for their birthday/a holiday, sometimes they'll tell you, and other times they say "oh, i don't really want anything". then they expect you to automatically know that they actually do want something. it's a difference in how your mind works. some people take others at face value and try to respect what they've just said. others take it upon themselves to do the complete opposite and make a celebration anyway. your mind working differently than your wife's doesn't make you an asshole.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	INFO	INFO	null	NAH	NTA	NTA	0.567012	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my daughter (let’s call her thea) turned 15 last saturday and due to the pandemic we couldn’t really celebrate it. i asked her a few days before if there was something special she wanted to do and she said no. on the day of her birthday i asked her if she wanted me to order cake and she refused that too. she’s introverted and doesn’t like making a big deal of things so i let it be. she spent most of her day talking to her friends on call and i cooked a nice dinner for her and my son. my wife is usually the one who organises birthdays and stuff but she’s been living with her mother for the past few days (due to some health issues). on most birthdays my wife is also met with the “i want nothing” by my daughter but she does stuff anyways. she usually bakes a cake, buys some gifts and cooks all her favourite foods. the next day, on call she asked me what i did for thea’s birthday and when i told her my daughter didn’t want a celebration- she blew up on me. according to her my daughter is “too shy” to ask for things and doesn’t like asking people to make a fuss about her birthday. she was very angry that i didn’t even buy cake even after i repeatedly told her thea said she didn’t want cake. according to her these are things that should be done without asking. i would like to mention that my wife coddles my children a lot. i thought that was the end of the conversation. later in the evening, my brother in law showed up with cake and gifts for thea. my wife probably asked him to do so but he’s very close to the kids so i didn’t think much of it but then he jokingly said to me, “what kind of father doesn’t buy cake for his kids birthday?” i told him the same thing again and he said that having your birthday during the pandemic was horrible enough and i should have just bought some cake. i agree it is but she said she didn’t want it! it’s been annoying me a lot. i hate how both my wife and bil keep implying that i don’t know what my own damn kid wants. i just want to know am i really the asshole? i just did what my daughter asked. more information: 1. i did not do “nothing” for my daughter. i made pizza for dinner which she loves. i also sang her the birthday song and hugged her really tight. there was someone who had a problem with that: my daughter isn’t big on physical contact but she likes to hug people on their birthdays. it’s a tradition she started. i was not forcing her to do something she didn’t want to do. 2. the whole “buying the cake on the same day.” i don’t know how it is where you live but as long as i can remember cakes are bought on the day of the birthday. i did not know this was something people didn’t do. unless of course it’s a customised cake and we haven’t done that for the kids since they were 10. 3. my wife is not a horrible person. a little bit overbearing sure. she did wish my daughter in the morning but she’s busy taking care of her mother.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my daughter (let’s call her thea) turned 15 last saturday and due to the pandemic we couldn’t really celebrate it. i asked her a few days before if there was something special she wanted to do and she said no. on the day of her birthday i asked her if she wanted me to order cake and she refused that too. she’s introverted and doesn’t like making a big deal of things so i let it be. she spent most of her day talking to her friends on call and i cooked a nice dinner for her and my son. my wife is usually the one who organises birthdays and stuff but she’s been living with her mother for the past few days (due to some health issues). on most birthdays my wife is also met with the “i want nothing” by my daughter but she does stuff anyways. she usually bakes a cake, buys some gifts and cooks all her favourite foods. the next day, on call she asked me what i did for thea’s birthday and when i told her my daughter didn’t want a celebration- she blew up on me. according to her my daughter is “too shy” to ask for things and doesn’t like asking people to make a fuss about her birthday. she was very angry that i didn’t even buy cake even after i repeatedly told her thea said she didn’t want cake. according to her these are things that should be done without asking. i would like to mention that my wife coddles my children a lot. i thought that was the end of the conversation. later in the evening, my brother in law showed up with cake and gifts for thea. my wife probably asked him to do so but he’s very close to the kids so i didn’t think much of it but then he jokingly said to me, “what kind of father doesn’t buy cake for his kids birthday?” i told him the same thing again and he said that having your birthday during the pandemic was horrible enough and i should have just bought some cake. i agree it is but she said she didn’t want it! it’s been annoying me a lot. i hate how both my wife and bil keep implying that i don’t know what my own damn kid wants. i just want to know am i really the asshole? i just did what my daughter asked. more information: 1. i did not do “nothing” for my daughter. i made pizza for dinner which she loves. i also sang her the birthday song and hugged her really tight. there was someone who had a problem with that: my daughter isn’t big on physical contact but she likes to hug people on their birthdays. it’s a tradition she started. i was not forcing her to do something she didn’t want to do. 2. the whole “buying the cake on the same day.” i don’t know how it is where you live but as long as i can remember cakes are bought on the day of the birthday. i did not know this was something people didn’t do. unless of course it’s a customised cake and we haven’t done that for the kids since they were 10. 3. my wife is not a horrible person. a little bit overbearing sure. she did wish my daughter in the morning but she’s busy taking care of her mother. [/INST] yta the reasonable question is "what kind of cake do you want" not "do you want a cake". my dad did this stuff to me - i also refused, not because i didn't want a cake but because he made me feel like a burden. it's your kid's birthday and your wife is correct - somethings don't need to be asked. it sounds like you didn't get her a gift either - did you just leave that out or did you really do literally nothing for your child's birthday? </s>
AITA? My husband and I are getting my stepson a car for his birthday. His mother wants to chip in and say that the car is from all of us, but I don’t want to do that.	my stepson is turning 18 soon and my husband and i decided that we will be getting him a car. i make more than my husband does and we will be splitting the cost of the car 70/30. that’s fine with me. his mother is a woman who i make the effort to be civil with but don’t like. i am much younger than she and my husband are, and come from a more privileged background; she had a lot of things to say about that. she called me her ex’s cash cow and that’s one of the better things she said about me. we are not friends and i won’t even describe her as nice to me. when my husband told her that we will buy my stepson a car for his birthday, she said she wants to chip in 5% of the cost and then we could tell my stepson that the gift is from all of his parents and step parents. i don’t want to do that. i don’t need her 5% and my stepson knows that his mom and step dad are not in a position to equally share the cost of buying the car. i don’t want recognition for paying 70% of his gift’s cost but i don’t want to share my and my husband’s gift to my stepson with a woman who has always been antagonistic to me. i don’t know why she wants us to gift the car jointly now because we’ve never given my stepson a gift jointly before. and i don’t understand what’s so bad about getting separate gifts from me and his dad, and his mom and his stepdad. i know that many people will say that it’s better for my stepson to see that all his parents and step parents are getting along. i’m civil to his mom and i never talk negatively about her to him. is that not enough? am i incapable of being a good step mother to him if i’m not best friends with his mom? do i have to let his mom get her way whenever she asks in the name of all parents getting along?	29,338	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dfzi7d/aita_my_husband_and_i_are_getting_my_stepson_a/	2019-10-10 15:18:02	nta she wants to take credit for the gift, and with the way you described her, there is a big chance that she is gonna milk this if you let her pay. if she wants to be part of it so much, just let her buy seat covers, air freshener or something similar that's within her budget and could be used for the car. this way she technically was part of the gift, but you can easily seperate her part as "me and my husband bought you this car, and that accesory for it is from your mom". nice and civil.	nta. if she was offering to pay 33% i'd feel differently. she just wants to piggy back off your gift.	nta. if she wants to contribute she can cover his insurance for the first year.	nta "why don't you put that 5% toward a gift that he will appreciate that comes solely from you?"	this fucking sub! of course you are an asshole. it doesn’t mean that you don’t have your reasons but you are still an asshole. the non asshole thing would be to let her join. i don’t understand this subs morality. it’s more like “is it ok i’m an asshole?” not “am i am asshole”. also it seems you are holding money over their heads to make yourself seem superior while at the same time saying they are the ones with money issues. you are, or you wouldn’t give a shit, you want the kid to know that you paid and they can’t. there is a ton of assholery here. fuck reddit, it has the morality of a 16 year old.	nta it’s a gift from you and your husband. she can contribute by accenting the gift- getting seat covers, steering wheel cover, air fresheners, trunk organizer, emergency roadside kit, etc and it will be more authentic than if she tried to put a pittance towards the car. she could even cover insurance or give him a gas card. but trying to nudge her way in with such a small amount is ridiculous.	esh a bit. she shouldn't expect credit for the gift if she's only chipping in 5% of the cost. but i also think the stepmother buying her son a 70%-of-a-car is pretty rough on the biological mother, who clearly can't afford such an extravagant gift, and potentially on the son, who will instantly perceive this and may feel guilty, or awkward, or caught in the middle, or all of the above. >and i don’t understand what’s so bad about getting separate gifts from me and his dad, and his mom and his stepdad. what's so bad is that you don't like his mother, and you're buying him a gift that will leave hers in the dust (perhaps literally). i think giving a car to a son is a decision that both biological parents should have discussed and agreed on.	yta. stepson knows y'all don't get along. so, when his birthday comes and he thanks you for the car, if you can say, "your mom, your dad and i got this for you together. we all love you," then think about what that tells this kid. as opposed to turning his birthday into a pissing contest. you set up a false either/or in your post. you don't have to be her friend. you just need to model good behavior for the young man who is learning how to be an adult from you all.	yta >i don’t know why she wants us to gift the car jointly now because we’ve never given my stepson a gift jointly before. because it's a fucking car. you can't possibly be oblivious as to why she'd want to be part of that gift. first, it's probably one of the bigger gifts (if not biggest gift) he has received in his life, but his first car is a big deal. it's totally understandable she'd want to be involved in this. this isn't about your relationship with the mom, it's about her relationship with her son.	yta. my wife makes a great living, and my oldest daughter's mother married a guy with money issues so they are... broke. when my daughter was 16 we bought a car for her. her mom wanted to help pay for it but she was not in a position to do so. we all gave her the car for her birthday. she is the kids mom. he is a child not a point of leverage. my wife makes more in a year that my daughters mom has made in the last ten. maybe you are nta, but you are not a great human being either. when it comes to kids, pretend to be a better person.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	ESH	YTA	YTA	YTA	0.654729	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my stepson is turning 18 soon and my husband and i decided that we will be getting him a car. i make more than my husband does and we will be splitting the cost of the car 70/30. that’s fine with me. his mother is a woman who i make the effort to be civil with but don’t like. i am much younger than she and my husband are, and come from a more privileged background; she had a lot of things to say about that. she called me her ex’s cash cow and that’s one of the better things she said about me. we are not friends and i won’t even describe her as nice to me. when my husband told her that we will buy my stepson a car for his birthday, she said she wants to chip in 5% of the cost and then we could tell my stepson that the gift is from all of his parents and step parents. i don’t want to do that. i don’t need her 5% and my stepson knows that his mom and step dad are not in a position to equally share the cost of buying the car. i don’t want recognition for paying 70% of his gift’s cost but i don’t want to share my and my husband’s gift to my stepson with a woman who has always been antagonistic to me. i don’t know why she wants us to gift the car jointly now because we’ve never given my stepson a gift jointly before. and i don’t understand what’s so bad about getting separate gifts from me and his dad, and his mom and his stepdad. i know that many people will say that it’s better for my stepson to see that all his parents and step parents are getting along. i’m civil to his mom and i never talk negatively about her to him. is that not enough? am i incapable of being a good step mother to him if i’m not best friends with his mom? do i have to let his mom get her way whenever she asks in the name of all parents getting along?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my stepson is turning 18 soon and my husband and i decided that we will be getting him a car. i make more than my husband does and we will be splitting the cost of the car 70/30. that’s fine with me. his mother is a woman who i make the effort to be civil with but don’t like. i am much younger than she and my husband are, and come from a more privileged background; she had a lot of things to say about that. she called me her ex’s cash cow and that’s one of the better things she said about me. we are not friends and i won’t even describe her as nice to me. when my husband told her that we will buy my stepson a car for his birthday, she said she wants to chip in 5% of the cost and then we could tell my stepson that the gift is from all of his parents and step parents. i don’t want to do that. i don’t need her 5% and my stepson knows that his mom and step dad are not in a position to equally share the cost of buying the car. i don’t want recognition for paying 70% of his gift’s cost but i don’t want to share my and my husband’s gift to my stepson with a woman who has always been antagonistic to me. i don’t know why she wants us to gift the car jointly now because we’ve never given my stepson a gift jointly before. and i don’t understand what’s so bad about getting separate gifts from me and his dad, and his mom and his stepdad. i know that many people will say that it’s better for my stepson to see that all his parents and step parents are getting along. i’m civil to his mom and i never talk negatively about her to him. is that not enough? am i incapable of being a good step mother to him if i’m not best friends with his mom? do i have to let his mom get her way whenever she asks in the name of all parents getting along? [/INST] nta she wants to take credit for the gift, and with the way you described her, there is a big chance that she is gonna milk this if you let her pay. if she wants to be part of it so much, just let her buy seat covers, air freshener or something similar that's within her budget and could be used for the car. this way she technically was part of the gift, but you can easily seperate her part as "me and my husband bought you this car, and that accesory for it is from your mom". nice and civil. </s>
AITA for asking my daughter to contribute to her siblings' college funds?	i (50f) have three children: 30f, 17m, and 16f. my oldest has a different father from the other two, and was obviously fairly grown once her siblings were born. i will admit that, during her teen years, my oldest took on a lot of babysitting duties in the house. i worked during the afternoons and evenings, so she would pick the babies up from daycare and watch them until i got home at night. this unfortunately has led to my daughter and i having somewhat of a strained relationship as she's become an adult. she has told me that i used her as a second parent, and that it caused her a lot of stress and stunted her social life during adolescence. i know that i made mistakes as a mother during that time. we were struggling financially, and she always seemed eager to help with the babies, but i shouldn't have taken advantage of her like that. we've discussed it a lot in the years since, and though we still have problems between us, i like to think our relationship has made progress. since graduating college, my daughter has become a financial consultant with an excellent salary. i'm incredibly proud of her and everything she's achieved. as someone who myself never attended college, and who has lived near the poverty line my entire life, it's so rewarding to see my daughter move up in the world. as my younger two children have been approaching college, however, i've been beginning to question how i'm possibly going to pay to put them through school. in all likelihood, they'll have to take out heavy student loans. i'd like to avoid this if at all possible; we all know how damaging student debt can be to young people. i approached my oldest, and asked her whether she might be willing to contribute somewhat to her siblings' tuition. i emphasized that she could absolutely say no, or we could discuss the possibility of us paying her back over a period of years. i said multiple times that i was only asking because i wanted to consider all options, but if she wasn't comfortable with it i would drop it and look for alternatives. my daughter became very upset with me. she said that it was entirely inappropriate for me to ask, and that the only reason i would ever consider asking is because i've always considered her a second parent rather than a child. she said that my asking her for this has shown her that i've never learned from my parenting mistakes when she was a teenager. but i really don't think it's the same thing. like, honestly, she's rich. she has the money. i don't think it's absurd that i might ask her if she's willing to do me a favor for the sake of her siblings, especially since i made it very clear i wouldn't be angry or upset if she said no. thoughts?	9,936	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hmoftu/aita_for_asking_my_daughter_to_contribute_to_her/	2020-07-07 05:22:02	yta. you admit to yourself you took advantage of your daughter when she was younger and now have the gall to ask her to be a parent to her siblings again? she’s right. you asking was extremely inappropriate.	yta, summed up by two sentences: “like, honestly, she’s rich. she has the money.” you used her as a second parent and now want her to pay for their college “so they don’t have the burden of student loans” and because “she’s rich.” it’s not “a favor” to ask someone to drop tens of thousands on college for kids that they’re barely related to. the more i read it, the more your post and attitude towards your daughter disgusts me.	yta. she succeeded in spite of you, and now you want her to keep picking up your slack. you haven't learned anything from your earlier shortcomings as a parent.	yta a favor would have been for you to have asked for advice 5 years ago about how to save for your younger children's college. or to ask about scholarship leads and schools with financial aid packages. >he ran off just after my youngest was born. haven't heard anything from him since. i couldn't tell you where he might be right now. you said you were considering all options? maybe you should have pursued him for child support instead of expecting your child to be your in-home nanny. who knows, the kids might even be eligible for ss survivors payments today.	santa says yta. so not only did she raise her siblings, now she is expected to pay their way thru school?	yta you take advantage of her her entire life, it takes you years to build up an ok relationship with her and then you drop another bomb where you want her do for her siblings yet again. i’m sure that helped your relationship...	yta. you took advantage of her once before and you are trying to once again. your other kids don’t have to go to college. college isn’t for everyone. if they want to go that is on you and then. if she offered to help that is different. i offered to co-sign my sister’s loan because i trust her and my credit score was good. you are asking her for something that is none of her responsibility after taking advantage of her for much of her life	yta. don't have kids if you can't fund them afterwards.	yta- you knew she was sensitive about being used, and you asked for money anyways. your younger kids can get through the same way she did. she owes you nothing, and i wouldn’t be surprised if she decided it were better to just cut you out if her life. i say this as a much older sister who came from a low income family to do well and offered to cover my baby sister’s college. but i can tell you if i got a whiff of entitlement or expectation from my parents, they’d be on their own. if you hadn’t asked, she may have offered something, but for you to ask, knowing your history, makes you the ah.	yta. i know you said you wanted to “consider all your options” but this shouldn’t have been an option. she’s a sibling, not a mom, and a half sibling at that. it was incredibly inappropriate for you to ask. she didn’t have two kids, you did. you’re lucky she helped you out when she was younger. they’re not her kids and she has no real reason she should pay for their education	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (50f) have three children: 30f, 17m, and 16f. my oldest has a different father from the other two, and was obviously fairly grown once her siblings were born. i will admit that, during her teen years, my oldest took on a lot of babysitting duties in the house. i worked during the afternoons and evenings, so she would pick the babies up from daycare and watch them until i got home at night. this unfortunately has led to my daughter and i having somewhat of a strained relationship as she's become an adult. she has told me that i used her as a second parent, and that it caused her a lot of stress and stunted her social life during adolescence. i know that i made mistakes as a mother during that time. we were struggling financially, and she always seemed eager to help with the babies, but i shouldn't have taken advantage of her like that. we've discussed it a lot in the years since, and though we still have problems between us, i like to think our relationship has made progress. since graduating college, my daughter has become a financial consultant with an excellent salary. i'm incredibly proud of her and everything she's achieved. as someone who myself never attended college, and who has lived near the poverty line my entire life, it's so rewarding to see my daughter move up in the world. as my younger two children have been approaching college, however, i've been beginning to question how i'm possibly going to pay to put them through school. in all likelihood, they'll have to take out heavy student loans. i'd like to avoid this if at all possible; we all know how damaging student debt can be to young people. i approached my oldest, and asked her whether she might be willing to contribute somewhat to her siblings' tuition. i emphasized that she could absolutely say no, or we could discuss the possibility of us paying her back over a period of years. i said multiple times that i was only asking because i wanted to consider all options, but if she wasn't comfortable with it i would drop it and look for alternatives. my daughter became very upset with me. she said that it was entirely inappropriate for me to ask, and that the only reason i would ever consider asking is because i've always considered her a second parent rather than a child. she said that my asking her for this has shown her that i've never learned from my parenting mistakes when she was a teenager. but i really don't think it's the same thing. like, honestly, she's rich. she has the money. i don't think it's absurd that i might ask her if she's willing to do me a favor for the sake of her siblings, especially since i made it very clear i wouldn't be angry or upset if she said no. thoughts?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i (50f) have three children: 30f, 17m, and 16f. my oldest has a different father from the other two, and was obviously fairly grown once her siblings were born. i will admit that, during her teen years, my oldest took on a lot of babysitting duties in the house. i worked during the afternoons and evenings, so she would pick the babies up from daycare and watch them until i got home at night. this unfortunately has led to my daughter and i having somewhat of a strained relationship as she's become an adult. she has told me that i used her as a second parent, and that it caused her a lot of stress and stunted her social life during adolescence. i know that i made mistakes as a mother during that time. we were struggling financially, and she always seemed eager to help with the babies, but i shouldn't have taken advantage of her like that. we've discussed it a lot in the years since, and though we still have problems between us, i like to think our relationship has made progress. since graduating college, my daughter has become a financial consultant with an excellent salary. i'm incredibly proud of her and everything she's achieved. as someone who myself never attended college, and who has lived near the poverty line my entire life, it's so rewarding to see my daughter move up in the world. as my younger two children have been approaching college, however, i've been beginning to question how i'm possibly going to pay to put them through school. in all likelihood, they'll have to take out heavy student loans. i'd like to avoid this if at all possible; we all know how damaging student debt can be to young people. i approached my oldest, and asked her whether she might be willing to contribute somewhat to her siblings' tuition. i emphasized that she could absolutely say no, or we could discuss the possibility of us paying her back over a period of years. i said multiple times that i was only asking because i wanted to consider all options, but if she wasn't comfortable with it i would drop it and look for alternatives. my daughter became very upset with me. she said that it was entirely inappropriate for me to ask, and that the only reason i would ever consider asking is because i've always considered her a second parent rather than a child. she said that my asking her for this has shown her that i've never learned from my parenting mistakes when she was a teenager. but i really don't think it's the same thing. like, honestly, she's rich. she has the money. i don't think it's absurd that i might ask her if she's willing to do me a favor for the sake of her siblings, especially since i made it very clear i wouldn't be angry or upset if she said no. thoughts? [/INST] yta. you admit to yourself you took advantage of your daughter when she was younger and now have the gall to ask her to be a parent to her siblings again? she’s right. you asking was extremely inappropriate. </s>
AITA for not telling my wife and daughter that I’m dying?	hi reddit. i’ll try and keep this brief, last august i found out i have brain cancer, i won’t survive. i’m not taking any treatment as i don’t want to draw it out so it’s going to be a brief ordeal. my wife and daughter have no idea, i’ve done a good job at trying to act like everything is normal and for the most part it has been, my daughter is on track to get into a top tier university this september and my wife and i recently had a great anniversary at home, we went all out and heated up some ready meals and watched netflix. my reasoning for deceiving them is this, they don’t need to know and knowing right now will make things difficult, there isn’t a person alive who can stop this from happening so me telling them beforehand just causes them unnecessary pain. my wife is really busy with work and my daughter is working really hard in school, i don’t think it’s right to distract them from that. here’s where i think i may be ta. i’m actively lying to the two women i love the most every day by not telling them about this, they are living a normal happy life and have no idea that i won’t be there by christmas, i may not make it to see my daughter move out. this is going to be a massive shock to them both and i’m concerned for how they will take this. unsure what else to say as that’s basically everything. aita here?	4,623	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/l4agg0/aita_for_not_telling_my_wife_and_daughter_that_im/	2021-01-24 23:26:19	yta in the nicest way possible. you think you're helping them or trying to protect them but you're just going to make it worse for them. lying about it isn't going to stop you from dying either. you need to tell them so they can start to process and prepare for the inevitable. it may be harder for you but it will make things better for them in the long run.	in what universe except reddit can i tell a nice dying person they’re an ah? yta > they don’t need to know this is where you’re wrong. of course it will be awful, terrible and difficult. why deprive them of the opportunity, as you have, to come to terms with it, and spend the precious time left with you in a meaningful way? you can all comfort each other, which will ultimately help them later when you’re gone.	i hate to say it, but yta here. the very fact you have come to reddit to discuss this shit situation makes me think that you need someone in your life to talk to, and you aren't letting your family be there for you. i think this is something that you will all regret.	i'm so very sorry this is happening to you but yta. my father died 8 years ago from cancer. it was so fast i had 4 days between finding out about it and him dying while i held his hand. the thing i wish for most is that i'd known how little time i had left with him so i could've treasured the moments i had while i had them. i would've made different choices about how i spent my time. i would've asked him so many questions that i thought i had years to ask. i would've taken more photos, more videos, i would've recorded his voice. there are people on here saying "at least tell your wife" but i beg of you, tell your daughter too. do not rob her of the opportunity to ask you things and spend time with you. she can take an extra year of high school; that will matter so much less in the long run.	i can't give a rating for the reason that this is your choice. be aware that long before you are aware of the cancer getting worse, you will be compromised intellectually and emotionally. you will not know that you are acting oddly and your partner and your daughter will spend a lot of time trying to figure out what is wrong with you. my mother married an older man and she was very happy with him, a few months after they got married (and he retired) he started to change. he became angry and violent. she was preparing to divorce him when he was diagnosed with brain cancer. please put all your wishes in writing now before you are compromised. my step father's estranged daughter (hadn't talked in 15 years) showed up a week or so before he died and got him to agree to give her a bunch of his things when he died. people and family will come out of the woodwork and try to prey on you and your family in that time. if you won't tell them what is happening now, please please write (and have notarized) what your wishes are.	personally i believe yta: you're denying your daughter and wife of closure of spending the last few months with you and making memories. they are going to be hurt and pissed about that. i understand why you're doing this. but please while you're in good health tell them so they have that chance to make the memories, spend the time with you they deserve, also to start therapy, and support eachother. your daughter is going to be effected by this no matter what, its best she let's it run its course now and she just explains during her interviews with the colleges what is going on.	yta gently. the only person you are saving from pain is yourself. i was able to come to terms with my mother's inoperable brain tumors more gently because i was told the moment she was diagnosed. i had the opportunity to speak with her and tell her i loved her before she passed and came to terms to it. when she passed, it felt more like she wasn't suffering anymore. sure it hurt, but there was a sense of calm that the struggle was over. i have no clue what i would have done if it was kept from me until the day she died. i would have felt betrayal because i wasn't trusted to know, sorrow that i couldn't help give support, confusion dealing with death so suddenly, and resentment that i was denied the opportunity to say goodbye. it will be so much more painful for them if you do not tell. you are saving your own feelings not wanting to hurt them only to cause them much greater pain when you are gone. please let them know.	yta. i think you already know this. here's why i say so. if i were in your wife or your daughter's shoes, i'd want to know. hell, you'd want to know. i'm sorry that this has happened to you, and its extremely unfair to you. you're within your right to be selfish and spend your last few days in happiness and see your family smile along with you, but it would be way too hard on them for years after you're gone. they'd wonder why you lied, they'd wish you told them the truth, they'd wish they could tell you how much they loved you, they'd regret fighting with you or being mad at you, they'd have tons of things left unsaid... think about your daughter who'd go to the university with grief, you're happy for her now that she is doing well but do you really want to ruin her university over your death? sudden deaths are the most painful. if they know you're sick, they'd be in pain for about a few days and it would be hard for you to see, but they'd reach acceptance and all of you will cherish your remaining time together. youll finish your checklist and have the best possible time you've left. they'll tell you how much they love you as you go and you'd to the same. you'll be at peace knowing that. and when you go, they'll be in grief but they'd be prepared for the moment, so it would be less hard on them. so please tell them. i can understand where you're coming from, but nevertheless, don't be selfish and let them cherish the time they've left with you.	in the kindest way possible, yta. i know you want to spare them pain and not stress them out while they work, but i think losing you unexpectedly and discovering you hadn't told them about it would, in the end, cause them more pain and trauma. re: your daughter for example, she would have to start university and be grieving you without having had time to prepare for it at all, which would ultimately distract her from schooling more than giving her advance notice and time to prepare would.	i can't judge you. my mother died of cancer and it was took awhile and was absolutely horrible. but i was able to appreciate my relationship with her, really appreciate it during that time because i knew our time was so short. we were able to connect with an honestly we didn't have before. and by the time it was done i was at peace with our relationship and utterly grateful that she wasn't suffering anymore. i think if your daughter and wife find out about this at the very end they might feel that there is alot they wish they could have had the chance to tell you, or talk to you about but couldn't. you are denying them closure.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: hi reddit. i’ll try and keep this brief, last august i found out i have brain cancer, i won’t survive. i’m not taking any treatment as i don’t want to draw it out so it’s going to be a brief ordeal. my wife and daughter have no idea, i’ve done a good job at trying to act like everything is normal and for the most part it has been, my daughter is on track to get into a top tier university this september and my wife and i recently had a great anniversary at home, we went all out and heated up some ready meals and watched netflix. my reasoning for deceiving them is this, they don’t need to know and knowing right now will make things difficult, there isn’t a person alive who can stop this from happening so me telling them beforehand just causes them unnecessary pain. my wife is really busy with work and my daughter is working really hard in school, i don’t think it’s right to distract them from that. here’s where i think i may be ta. i’m actively lying to the two women i love the most every day by not telling them about this, they are living a normal happy life and have no idea that i won’t be there by christmas, i may not make it to see my daughter move out. this is going to be a massive shock to them both and i’m concerned for how they will take this. unsure what else to say as that’s basically everything. aita here?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> hi reddit. i’ll try and keep this brief, last august i found out i have brain cancer, i won’t survive. i’m not taking any treatment as i don’t want to draw it out so it’s going to be a brief ordeal. my wife and daughter have no idea, i’ve done a good job at trying to act like everything is normal and for the most part it has been, my daughter is on track to get into a top tier university this september and my wife and i recently had a great anniversary at home, we went all out and heated up some ready meals and watched netflix. my reasoning for deceiving them is this, they don’t need to know and knowing right now will make things difficult, there isn’t a person alive who can stop this from happening so me telling them beforehand just causes them unnecessary pain. my wife is really busy with work and my daughter is working really hard in school, i don’t think it’s right to distract them from that. here’s where i think i may be ta. i’m actively lying to the two women i love the most every day by not telling them about this, they are living a normal happy life and have no idea that i won’t be there by christmas, i may not make it to see my daughter move out. this is going to be a massive shock to them both and i’m concerned for how they will take this. unsure what else to say as that’s basically everything. aita here? [/INST] yta in the nicest way possible. you think you're helping them or trying to protect them but you're just going to make it worse for them. lying about it isn't going to stop you from dying either. you need to tell them so they can start to process and prepare for the inevitable. it may be harder for you but it will make things better for them in the long run. </s>
AITA for shutting down talk about having kids with “purposely controversial statements?”	our region has done well handling covid, so my husband and i had a small group of family over for a backyard bbq a month ago. we’re the only ones in the family “left” who don’t have kids. we’re not going to. we prefer our lives as mountaineers. his family thinks we'll change our minds. mind you, husband had the snip. mil jokingly mentioned that maybe with all the “alone time” we’d be giving the family a little bundle of joy. we shut the idea down with good humor. she kept pressing, and sil chimed in with “come on, this is the perfect time to get started!” husband: we’ve talked about this already. let’s drop it. mil: well, i don’t care. husband: again, drop it. mil: i hope it happens! husband: thankfully we’re very careful. mil: accidents happen. it isn’t always up to you. husband: yes, it is. i had a vasectomy. like i said, discussion over. can we move on? we do, but mil and sil are whispering with each other and shooting glances, looking at their phones, etc. bil and i are laughing about something dumb on tv, seems like everything is fine. until sil says, “vasectomies can fail, you know! it’s not a 100% thing.” it gets quiet, mil & sil look smug. mil: so there’s still a chance you can get pregnant, you can never be sure! husband & i lock eyes. party’s over. me: that is exactly what abortions are for. cue screaming and yelling, i’m an evil, cruel bitch, what kind of monster, etc. his family are all supposedly pro-choice. husband yells at them to gtfo, don’t talk to me like that. mil gets up in his face and yells that i said i would kill her grandbabies, how could he stand to hear it. husband: and i would hold her fucking hand the entire time because it’s what both of us would want. party’s over. cue fb shitstorm. mil’s post tags us, says: “we were having a nice family get together and op and husband had bait us with purposely controversial statements. every mom lives to see her babies have babies. yesterday i was told that my cruel dil would murder my grandbabies if she got pregnant and my son would hold her hand while she did it.” i do not feel like we’re assholes, even for how we handled the situation. there was no getting through to them without being direct and final. this isn’t the first time we tried to get them to drop the subject. however, other family members really think we are in the wrong and that i went over the line. reddit, we are the assholes here?	23,961	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hklj0n/aita_for_shutting_down_talk_about_having_kids/	2020-07-03 15:55:56	nta. you both are probably going to have to block her and cut her out for a while. life is too short for this kind of drama.	nta at all; they started it. i also would've asked them why they're so interested in your sex life lol. long term though you may consider using the grey rock method with them which might have more sustainable results.	nta. kids aren’t for everyone and i hate the culture of pushing people to have them. people don’t realize that if those child free people are forced to have children they don’t want, terrible things happen (i’m not saying in every instance, but it does happen). abuse, neglect, maybe not criminal neglect, but there is definitely the feeling of being unwanted.	nta, but you have an extremely wonderful husband.	nta why can't your mother in law accept that you two don't want kids.	>and sil chimed in with “come on, this is the perfect time to get started!” the perfect time to start working on a baby is when you're quarantined because of a lethal pandemic with no end in sight? lol okay. >husband: and i would hold her fucking hand the entire time because it’s what both of us would want. great job to the husband, wow 🏆 anyway, nta, they were salivating over the thought of you getting accidentally knocked up and they're mad that you mention abortion? literally the fuck do they expect.	nta. that’s some r/justnomil material right there. your in laws actively and purposefully refused to respect your boundaries and reproductive choices.	nta they were boundary stomping and repeatedly asked to stop. play stupid games, win stupid prizes.	nta - and no not "every mom lives to see her babies have babies" i have 2 kids, both of whom are entry level adults, both of whom want to be childfree forever. i told them great! don't want them please don't have them! if i get a "need to be a grandma" bug then my grandpets can get many toys and treats!	nta, i came off as a child-hater for years even tho i’ve been great at caring for kids for most of my life. i did it because i wanted people to leave us the hell alone about having them. 14yrs(12 in marriage)into our relationship we decided to have a child, she’ll be 1yo soon, it was just the right time for us and we’re happy. however, this shit is no joke, it’s hard and frustrating and it is perfectly fine if you don’t ever want it. people outside of your marriage don’t get a say, you shot it down over and over and they wouldn’t let it go. they’re ta’s for that, you did good!	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: our region has done well handling covid, so my husband and i had a small group of family over for a backyard bbq a month ago. we’re the only ones in the family “left” who don’t have kids. we’re not going to. we prefer our lives as mountaineers. his family thinks we'll change our minds. mind you, husband had the snip. mil jokingly mentioned that maybe with all the “alone time” we’d be giving the family a little bundle of joy. we shut the idea down with good humor. she kept pressing, and sil chimed in with “come on, this is the perfect time to get started!” husband: we’ve talked about this already. let’s drop it. mil: well, i don’t care. husband: again, drop it. mil: i hope it happens! husband: thankfully we’re very careful. mil: accidents happen. it isn’t always up to you. husband: yes, it is. i had a vasectomy. like i said, discussion over. can we move on? we do, but mil and sil are whispering with each other and shooting glances, looking at their phones, etc. bil and i are laughing about something dumb on tv, seems like everything is fine. until sil says, “vasectomies can fail, you know! it’s not a 100% thing.” it gets quiet, mil & sil look smug. mil: so there’s still a chance you can get pregnant, you can never be sure! husband & i lock eyes. party’s over. me: that is exactly what abortions are for. cue screaming and yelling, i’m an evil, cruel bitch, what kind of monster, etc. his family are all supposedly pro-choice. husband yells at them to gtfo, don’t talk to me like that. mil gets up in his face and yells that i said i would kill her grandbabies, how could he stand to hear it. husband: and i would hold her fucking hand the entire time because it’s what both of us would want. party’s over. cue fb shitstorm. mil’s post tags us, says: “we were having a nice family get together and op and husband had bait us with purposely controversial statements. every mom lives to see her babies have babies. yesterday i was told that my cruel dil would murder my grandbabies if she got pregnant and my son would hold her hand while she did it.” i do not feel like we’re assholes, even for how we handled the situation. there was no getting through to them without being direct and final. this isn’t the first time we tried to get them to drop the subject. however, other family members really think we are in the wrong and that i went over the line. reddit, we are the assholes here?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> our region has done well handling covid, so my husband and i had a small group of family over for a backyard bbq a month ago. we’re the only ones in the family “left” who don’t have kids. we’re not going to. we prefer our lives as mountaineers. his family thinks we'll change our minds. mind you, husband had the snip. mil jokingly mentioned that maybe with all the “alone time” we’d be giving the family a little bundle of joy. we shut the idea down with good humor. she kept pressing, and sil chimed in with “come on, this is the perfect time to get started!” husband: we’ve talked about this already. let’s drop it. mil: well, i don’t care. husband: again, drop it. mil: i hope it happens! husband: thankfully we’re very careful. mil: accidents happen. it isn’t always up to you. husband: yes, it is. i had a vasectomy. like i said, discussion over. can we move on? we do, but mil and sil are whispering with each other and shooting glances, looking at their phones, etc. bil and i are laughing about something dumb on tv, seems like everything is fine. until sil says, “vasectomies can fail, you know! it’s not a 100% thing.” it gets quiet, mil & sil look smug. mil: so there’s still a chance you can get pregnant, you can never be sure! husband & i lock eyes. party’s over. me: that is exactly what abortions are for. cue screaming and yelling, i’m an evil, cruel bitch, what kind of monster, etc. his family are all supposedly pro-choice. husband yells at them to gtfo, don’t talk to me like that. mil gets up in his face and yells that i said i would kill her grandbabies, how could he stand to hear it. husband: and i would hold her fucking hand the entire time because it’s what both of us would want. party’s over. cue fb shitstorm. mil’s post tags us, says: “we were having a nice family get together and op and husband had bait us with purposely controversial statements. every mom lives to see her babies have babies. yesterday i was told that my cruel dil would murder my grandbabies if she got pregnant and my son would hold her hand while she did it.” i do not feel like we’re assholes, even for how we handled the situation. there was no getting through to them without being direct and final. this isn’t the first time we tried to get them to drop the subject. however, other family members really think we are in the wrong and that i went over the line. reddit, we are the assholes here? [/INST] nta. you both are probably going to have to block her and cut her out for a while. life is too short for this kind of drama. </s>
AITA for firing a female employee who posts provocative underwear pictures on her Instagram?	i (m29) run a successful event planning business that i started with my ex wife about 7 years ago. when my ex wife and i divorced, she also divorced the business, and i then employed about 9 people to work for me. we now have offices and we have a tight group of employees who are almost like family to me now. about 6 months ago one of my employees told me she was pregnant, and as a result was going to leave the business to be a full time stay at home mom. i had no issue with this, but it meant i had to find a new employee to take her place. i interviewed a lot of people before finding olivia, who i went on to employ. olivia has lots of experience and is absolutely fantastic at her job. the clients love her and she’s really in tune with what the clients needs and desires are. the nature of our work is to build a rapport with our clients, which sometimes means social media is added by clients. for my other employees this has never been an issue. they post respectable pictures of their families or travelling, it’s never been a cause for concern. olivia, on the other hand, thinks herself as a bit of an amateur underwear model, and posts these pictures on her instagram in very provocative poses. usually i wouldn’t have an issue with this, but i don’t want clients seeing them and immediately looking down on my business. i have olivia a warning about a month after she started working for me and told her to stop posting pictures like that as it was bad for the image of the company. she said okay and for a while she did, but then after a month she started posting them again, even more than she did before. when quarantine began we were extremely busy as a lot of clients were calling worried their events were going to be cancelled, and during this time olivia was posting a provocative picture once every few days. out of pure stress i fired her and told her i didn’t want her to work for me anymore, and she said she was going to sue me for “discrimination” and claimed i was being sexist which i definitely wasn’t. the rest of my employees are threatening to leave in solidarity with olivia. aita?	4,893	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/h7k5tb/aita_for_firing_a_female_employee_who_posts/	2020-06-12 12:54:15	yta if you want them to share their social media you should have them create work accounts	yta- not sure why you’re having clients add employees on social media but it’s her platform not your businesses. provide a work account or something	yta "olivia has lots of experience and is absolutely fantastic at her job" thats what matters. you cannot dictate what employees have on their private insta. you could dictate that people shouldn't give their private insta to their business clients. but you actually encourage the opposite. sorry, but you can't have that much influence on your employees personal lives. pretty sure she'll get somewhere with her lawsuit.	nah. this is going to be controversial, but this is how the world works. you can choose to employ her or not. she can choose in her personal life to do what she wants. if those two things are not compatible, you can choose to fire her. posting nude or near-nude photos on instagram in public does not make you a member of a protected class. no way in hell is olivia winning a lawsuit. you may decide that her image is not appropriate for your business, and that's your choice. (personally, i think underwear photos are fine.) but you may want to think about a policy as your company grows. incidentally, for all.of you saying that she can't be fired legally, what would you say if she had photos with a confederate flag? or a nazi flag? people's choices have consequences.	yta - if you’re company doesn’t have a policy on social media, it is entirely up to her what she posts. do not have your clients follow personal social media- that is far too intimate for a client relationship unless there is a specific social media account for the entire company. what you are targeting here is the content she posts. “other employees post respectable photos of their families” great! that’s wonderful! but what they post is none of your clients (or even coworkers) business. as long as she doesn’t do that in the office or purposely show clients those photos there should be no issue. you are firing her on something you have no say over. if they were swimwear rather than underwear your view may have been slightly altered, and if not, same deal. it follows instagram guidelines? she should be allowed to post what she wants as long as it doesn’t target anyone again unless you have a policy and she knows about it. she sounds like a wonderful employee and i would seriously reconsider firing her and maybe rehire her after an apology and discussion. in the future, get a policy if you specifically want clients to have access to your employees social media- that the employees can deny. if they deny to agree with the policy, all they have to do is not show their sm to clients and not advertise that they work for your company on there. if they do agree, they can freely share their sm with clients. win win.	nta. i'm guessing everyone saying that you are the asshole has never known someone who had the cops called on them because of social media posts. yes, your social media is your private life, but because it's now in full view of the public you have to be careful what you post. most employers have a clause about being able to fire you because of your posts. we see stories about people being fired every day because of their social media. basically: be careful, put your account on private, and use fake names/private accounts	i’m in sales and i haven’t had a facebook account in 5 years, and my instagram is under a nickname, private, and not tied to my phone number. why? because customers kept adding me and making things unprofessional. it is incredibly difficult to build a close working relationship with customers only for them to leave suggestive comments on innocent photos, or send you messages asking you out. customers don’t think they’re doing anything wrong as long as it isn’t done on a company computer. once shit happens you’re screwed. you can’t block them because they take it incredibly personal, and you can’t tell them to fuck off. so then you have to pretend that the guy you have to bring to lunch every other week isn’t a creep. company hr protects you from harassment from fellow employees, but they can’t do shit about customers. she sucks because she can’t seem to separate her professional and personal/aspirational image. use your real name professionally, and use a nickname or fake name on a personal account. i know it sucks, but your name is your image. freedom of speech/expression does not protect you from how other people perceive you. do you want your underwear photos to be the first thing your customer thinks of when they hear your name? no? then don’t post them. you suck because you obviously did not research her before hiring her. had you done so this could have been addressed at that time. you also saw a problem and failed to implement a social media policy for all employees. unpopular opinion, but esh. downvote away.	nta -- your employees reflect on you, and you have the right not to employ someone whose activity on social media reflects badly on you, in your opinion. it would be different if it were protected speech in some way -- political, religious, related to ability issues, etc. but this is just a mismatch in business goals, i think. best of luck to both of you.	info, social media is an evolving landscape, silicon valley's ethics & culture emphasized blurring the line between work/personal life. office beers were encouraged, working into the evening was a normal occurrence. start-up's made wild promises in exchange for 70 hours a week. ... and people loved it. they were eager to make work more like home and failed to consider the opposite effect. what happens when your cell phone has a soft-phone app linked to your work line? what happens when coronavirus turns your home computer into your work computer and your employer has you install a vpn with remote access? &#x200b; so here's the info we need: we need to know what policies you have outlined in your employee handbook that address this issue. typically, employers will have a "social media" section in the handbook which outlines; 1. guidelines & considerations 2. references to the conduct & ethics sections highlighting their relationship to social media 3. company policies for using social media at work / tagging social media accounts ... etc we also need to know the state of registration for your business, each state has different laws with regards to social media. lastly, i would recommend saving any and all emails, texts, chats, etc. of any and all discussions related to this event. until we have that information it's not helpful to pass judgement.	once again this sub has lost its collective mind. no, you're nta for not wanting your business represented by an amateur underwear model.	YTA	YTA	YTA	NAH	YTA	NTA	ESH	NTA	INFO	NTA	0.696788	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (m29) run a successful event planning business that i started with my ex wife about 7 years ago. when my ex wife and i divorced, she also divorced the business, and i then employed about 9 people to work for me. we now have offices and we have a tight group of employees who are almost like family to me now. about 6 months ago one of my employees told me she was pregnant, and as a result was going to leave the business to be a full time stay at home mom. i had no issue with this, but it meant i had to find a new employee to take her place. i interviewed a lot of people before finding olivia, who i went on to employ. olivia has lots of experience and is absolutely fantastic at her job. the clients love her and she’s really in tune with what the clients needs and desires are. the nature of our work is to build a rapport with our clients, which sometimes means social media is added by clients. for my other employees this has never been an issue. they post respectable pictures of their families or travelling, it’s never been a cause for concern. olivia, on the other hand, thinks herself as a bit of an amateur underwear model, and posts these pictures on her instagram in very provocative poses. usually i wouldn’t have an issue with this, but i don’t want clients seeing them and immediately looking down on my business. i have olivia a warning about a month after she started working for me and told her to stop posting pictures like that as it was bad for the image of the company. she said okay and for a while she did, but then after a month she started posting them again, even more than she did before. when quarantine began we were extremely busy as a lot of clients were calling worried their events were going to be cancelled, and during this time olivia was posting a provocative picture once every few days. out of pure stress i fired her and told her i didn’t want her to work for me anymore, and she said she was going to sue me for “discrimination” and claimed i was being sexist which i definitely wasn’t. the rest of my employees are threatening to leave in solidarity with olivia. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i (m29) run a successful event planning business that i started with my ex wife about 7 years ago. when my ex wife and i divorced, she also divorced the business, and i then employed about 9 people to work for me. we now have offices and we have a tight group of employees who are almost like family to me now. about 6 months ago one of my employees told me she was pregnant, and as a result was going to leave the business to be a full time stay at home mom. i had no issue with this, but it meant i had to find a new employee to take her place. i interviewed a lot of people before finding olivia, who i went on to employ. olivia has lots of experience and is absolutely fantastic at her job. the clients love her and she’s really in tune with what the clients needs and desires are. the nature of our work is to build a rapport with our clients, which sometimes means social media is added by clients. for my other employees this has never been an issue. they post respectable pictures of their families or travelling, it’s never been a cause for concern. olivia, on the other hand, thinks herself as a bit of an amateur underwear model, and posts these pictures on her instagram in very provocative poses. usually i wouldn’t have an issue with this, but i don’t want clients seeing them and immediately looking down on my business. i have olivia a warning about a month after she started working for me and told her to stop posting pictures like that as it was bad for the image of the company. she said okay and for a while she did, but then after a month she started posting them again, even more than she did before. when quarantine began we were extremely busy as a lot of clients were calling worried their events were going to be cancelled, and during this time olivia was posting a provocative picture once every few days. out of pure stress i fired her and told her i didn’t want her to work for me anymore, and she said she was going to sue me for “discrimination” and claimed i was being sexist which i definitely wasn’t. the rest of my employees are threatening to leave in solidarity with olivia. aita? [/INST] yta if you want them to share their social media you should have them create work accounts </s>
AITA for yelling at my wife for drinking?	i (28m) am i recovering alcoholic. my father was an alcoholic when i was a child and i guess i caught it from him. i've been sober for about a year now, and i attend this recovery group once a week that is held by the mormon church. i've been gaining an interest in their beliefs and have been considering conversion, but that's another conversation. my wife (26f) went out with her friends this weekend and i found out from her friend's instagram post that she had been drinking. she held a glass of wine in the photo, but she didn't appear drunk when she got home. i saw the post today, and i'm going to be honest, i freaked out. she has been so helpful and supportive during my recovery, and i can't believe she would do this to me. i confronted her as soon as i saw it, and she told me that because she wasn't drinking around me, it wasn't an issue. i told her that when we got married, we promised to support eachother through everything and this wasn't being supportive and a direct violation of our vows. she told me to get over myself and i lost it and told her that was a bad wife and that she wasn't committed to us and our relationship (we've been together for four years, married for one). i told her that if she was pregnant, i wouldn't eat all of the food she couldn't eat to be supportive and she told me that she wouldn't expect that from me so i can't expect her to be sober and that i was being an asshole. after that, i just left and contacted the group leader from my recovery group and he let me chill at his house while i cooled down. aita?	11,670	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wu9b42/aita_for_yelling_at_my_wife_for_drinking/	2022-08-21 20:24:33	yta you’re the recovering alcoholic, not her. she’s allowed to drink when she’s not with you.	i was under the impression she had drunk in front of you, which was not the case. you are wrong. she did nothing to harm you or jeopardize your recovery. yta	yta this is not about you. she didn't do this "to you", she did it for herself when you were safely far away. it's good she supports you, spouses should support each other, but at the end of the day this is your affliction, and it's not reasonable for you to criticise her drinking. she's not the one with a problem. she's suffered enough from your alcholism without you abusing her on top of it. you're on thin ice, mate. watch out. you need to apologise and hard. also please, please go visit r/exmormon and see what an appalling abusive nonsensical destructive scam mormonism is. don't be seduced by it just because they don't drink. if you become mormon, your marriage will be over.	yta. she wasn't around you and was a glass of wine, i think the fact that your are thinking of becoming a mormon are their belief of the role of wife's might be clouding your expectations from her.	yta she's allowed to drink when not around you. you are being the bad partner here.	yta just because you’re an alcoholic doesn’t mean she has to stop drinking. recovery is 100% on you. she doesn’t have the drinking problem. you do.	yta she didn't 'do this to you'. she was enjoying a glass away from you with friends, like adults sometimes do. instead of putting this on her how about attending a non-religious help group and actually work on your issues? you freaking out about what she does on her own time sounds like a you-problem.	yta for all the reasons already mentioned. your sobriety is your responsibility, and she is being supportive by not drinking in your presence. the way you describe her as a bad wife and violator of your vows, along with a mormon support group you attend and are considering converting to, leads me to believe you're replacing one addiction with another. how does she feel about your budding religious interest? i grew up lds; that particular organization has no problem forcing the entire family into following their beliefs whether they are shared or not with the threat of being ostracized from their community. are you intending to coerce her into joining with you? are you going to label her a bad wife and not supportive of you is she doesn't share your newfound belief? she's already supported you by not leaving when you were drinking. she already supported you throughout the last year while you were getting sober, which is an achievement you should be proud of. it's not easy. are you going to flip out at her for enjoying a cup of coffee? hot caffeinated drinks are forbidden, but it's fine to guzzle diet coke by the gallon in lds. you found a support system and as long as it's working for you, that's great. but you can't force it upon her when she doesn't want or need it.	you're jut replacing one addiction with another (religion). that's why you're still full of rage. (also the mormon church isn't known to be easy on women and you're following suit).	>yelling at my wife yta.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (28m) am i recovering alcoholic. my father was an alcoholic when i was a child and i guess i caught it from him. i've been sober for about a year now, and i attend this recovery group once a week that is held by the mormon church. i've been gaining an interest in their beliefs and have been considering conversion, but that's another conversation. my wife (26f) went out with her friends this weekend and i found out from her friend's instagram post that she had been drinking. she held a glass of wine in the photo, but she didn't appear drunk when she got home. i saw the post today, and i'm going to be honest, i freaked out. she has been so helpful and supportive during my recovery, and i can't believe she would do this to me. i confronted her as soon as i saw it, and she told me that because she wasn't drinking around me, it wasn't an issue. i told her that when we got married, we promised to support eachother through everything and this wasn't being supportive and a direct violation of our vows. she told me to get over myself and i lost it and told her that was a bad wife and that she wasn't committed to us and our relationship (we've been together for four years, married for one). i told her that if she was pregnant, i wouldn't eat all of the food she couldn't eat to be supportive and she told me that she wouldn't expect that from me so i can't expect her to be sober and that i was being an asshole. after that, i just left and contacted the group leader from my recovery group and he let me chill at his house while i cooled down. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i (28m) am i recovering alcoholic. my father was an alcoholic when i was a child and i guess i caught it from him. i've been sober for about a year now, and i attend this recovery group once a week that is held by the mormon church. i've been gaining an interest in their beliefs and have been considering conversion, but that's another conversation. my wife (26f) went out with her friends this weekend and i found out from her friend's instagram post that she had been drinking. she held a glass of wine in the photo, but she didn't appear drunk when she got home. i saw the post today, and i'm going to be honest, i freaked out. she has been so helpful and supportive during my recovery, and i can't believe she would do this to me. i confronted her as soon as i saw it, and she told me that because she wasn't drinking around me, it wasn't an issue. i told her that when we got married, we promised to support eachother through everything and this wasn't being supportive and a direct violation of our vows. she told me to get over myself and i lost it and told her that was a bad wife and that she wasn't committed to us and our relationship (we've been together for four years, married for one). i told her that if she was pregnant, i wouldn't eat all of the food she couldn't eat to be supportive and she told me that she wouldn't expect that from me so i can't expect her to be sober and that i was being an asshole. after that, i just left and contacted the group leader from my recovery group and he let me chill at his house while i cooled down. aita? [/INST] yta you’re the recovering alcoholic, not her. she’s allowed to drink when she’s not with you. </s>
AITA for wanting another child?	throwaway because i'm sure some people will find this controversial and i don't want it tied to my main. when my wife and i got married we agreed that we would have 2 kids unless both were girls, then we'd have a 3rd to try for a boy. i'm a guy's guy and i grew up with only brothers so i feel strongly that i want a son to bond with. that's not to say that i don't love my daughter equally. i just want to raise someone to follow in my footsteps with sports and girls and stuff. after some convincing, my wife agreed to this but said that if the 3rd kid was a girl, we'd stop trying. anyway, we ended up having one boy (8 years old) and one girl (5 years old). this background is important because you need to know that having a 3rd kid was something that was on the table. last month, our son told us that he likes boys. this is totally fine, i'm not a homophobe, but i'm starting to feel like i want to have a 3rd kid so we can try to have a straight boy. i love my son more than anything and i wouldn't love a straight kid more than him, but at the end of the day i wanted to be able to bond with one of my kids over traditional masculine stuff, which includes women. my wife doesn't think that this is a good reason to have a 3rd kid. she said that she would be open to having a 3rd kid but that she finds my reasoning disgusting and she doesn't think she can go through with it knowing the reason for me wanting one. i don't think she understands how special it is for a father to have a son who can follow in his footsteps. am i the asshole or is she overreacting?	12,195	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/c3sx03/aita_for_wanting_another_child/	2019-06-22 18:11:51	yta. your reasons for wanting to try for another kid are sexist (you make it sound like anyone but a straight male can’t like sports etc), and absolutely send the message to your other children that they are not enough for you.	yta for the black and white thinking. also you’re basically saying “i want to have a traditional son so we can bond over who he smashes.” that is absolutely disgusting. i, a female, grew up fishing, playing in the woods, and loving the outdoors. thank goodness my dad didn’t think like you. you can share your interests with any of your children.	yta. you're having kids until you get one you approve of. that's a horrific message to send to your existing kids - that they were imperfect so you needed to keep trying to get the one you wanted. not only that but if you did have a 3rd and it was what you wanted, he'd become such an insufferable, spoiled golden child nobody would want to be around him. love the kids you have and stop being an a.	yta whether this is a shitpost or not. first, your son is 8. he may or may not end up being gay. but whether he is or not, you're an asshole for thinking you can't bond over "traditional masculine stuff" with a gay son. maybe not women (although with your attitude, you shouldn't want to pass that on to any child), but about other "masculine stuff". lots of gay men like "traditional masculine stuff", you know. heck, some professional athletes are actually gay! omg! /s and here's some news for you...you can also bond with your daughter over things like sports! who knew? honestly, based on your post, your footsteps aren't really worth following. your wife is correct and not over-reacting, and you are the asshole.	you can still do "masculine" things with a gay son, man up.	yta there is no guarantee ever that your kid is going to follow in your footsteps. maybe you'll get lucky and your daughter will be a butch lesbian. also...overpopulation is a thing.	yta what the hell? you’re asking her to go through months of bullshit to pop out a kid hoping it’s a straight boy. you’re a parent, these kids are for you to raise you don’t get to pick who you do and don’t want to bond with based on gender or sexuality. you’re wife is right that’s a disgusting reason to want a third child.	yta. for posting this shitpost. if this isn't a shitpost you're still an asshole. seriously?	y'know, aside from everything everyone's already said, a couple of things. what happens if the next kid's a girl? or another gay boy? do you push for another kid, even if (most likely) your wife will be older and the pregnancy more dangerous for her? what happens when your kids grow up and find out - and trust me, they will - why you decided to have another kid? there go those two relationships, btw. what if you do get the straight boy next? you might not be obvious about it, but you're clearly going to favour him going by your op and replies in the comments. again, there go your relationships with the older kids. and what about the new kid's relationship w/ their older siblings? you're dooming them to what will like be relationships build on resentment from the sides of the kids you didn't love enough (and i don't care what you say, that's how they'll perceive it when your reasoning comes out) and say you convince your wife to have a kid she clearly doesn't want. what if she starts resenting them for existing? what if she starts favouring her older kids to make up for your favouritism towards the younger one? what about your daughter? the way you're treating being a parent right now, you're pushing her towards a resentful relationship with her brother and any future brothers because you clearly favour boys. what if you get the straight boy you're hoping for but it turns out that aside from an interest in women you have nothing in common - in that he's interested in more traditionally 'feminine' things? are you going to want to keep trying until you hit the 'perfect mix' you want? yta for your whole perspective towards parenting. my advice? find a therapist. work through your emotions on parenting, masculinity, and life in general. you need it. because right now? you're so much the asshole i don't even have words for it.	yta for believing the two kids you already have aren’t good enough for you. you want to create an entire whole human person just so you can, what—possibly have a handful of bonding moments in fifteen or twenty years that you think you won’t have with the two kids you’ve already got? that seems incredibly selfish to me. assuming your wife agrees to a third pregnancy, there’s no guarantee that #3 is going to be the cis-het-y-chromosome-jock you think you “deserve.” kids are not something you get to special order. pull your head out of your ass and be grateful for the two healthy children you do have.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: throwaway because i'm sure some people will find this controversial and i don't want it tied to my main. when my wife and i got married we agreed that we would have 2 kids unless both were girls, then we'd have a 3rd to try for a boy. i'm a guy's guy and i grew up with only brothers so i feel strongly that i want a son to bond with. that's not to say that i don't love my daughter equally. i just want to raise someone to follow in my footsteps with sports and girls and stuff. after some convincing, my wife agreed to this but said that if the 3rd kid was a girl, we'd stop trying. anyway, we ended up having one boy (8 years old) and one girl (5 years old). this background is important because you need to know that having a 3rd kid was something that was on the table. last month, our son told us that he likes boys. this is totally fine, i'm not a homophobe, but i'm starting to feel like i want to have a 3rd kid so we can try to have a straight boy. i love my son more than anything and i wouldn't love a straight kid more than him, but at the end of the day i wanted to be able to bond with one of my kids over traditional masculine stuff, which includes women. my wife doesn't think that this is a good reason to have a 3rd kid. she said that she would be open to having a 3rd kid but that she finds my reasoning disgusting and she doesn't think she can go through with it knowing the reason for me wanting one. i don't think she understands how special it is for a father to have a son who can follow in his footsteps. am i the asshole or is she overreacting?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> throwaway because i'm sure some people will find this controversial and i don't want it tied to my main. when my wife and i got married we agreed that we would have 2 kids unless both were girls, then we'd have a 3rd to try for a boy. i'm a guy's guy and i grew up with only brothers so i feel strongly that i want a son to bond with. that's not to say that i don't love my daughter equally. i just want to raise someone to follow in my footsteps with sports and girls and stuff. after some convincing, my wife agreed to this but said that if the 3rd kid was a girl, we'd stop trying. anyway, we ended up having one boy (8 years old) and one girl (5 years old). this background is important because you need to know that having a 3rd kid was something that was on the table. last month, our son told us that he likes boys. this is totally fine, i'm not a homophobe, but i'm starting to feel like i want to have a 3rd kid so we can try to have a straight boy. i love my son more than anything and i wouldn't love a straight kid more than him, but at the end of the day i wanted to be able to bond with one of my kids over traditional masculine stuff, which includes women. my wife doesn't think that this is a good reason to have a 3rd kid. she said that she would be open to having a 3rd kid but that she finds my reasoning disgusting and she doesn't think she can go through with it knowing the reason for me wanting one. i don't think she understands how special it is for a father to have a son who can follow in his footsteps. am i the asshole or is she overreacting? [/INST] yta. your reasons for wanting to try for another kid are sexist (you make it sound like anyone but a straight male can’t like sports etc), and absolutely send the message to your other children that they are not enough for you. </s>
AITA for refusing to eat food I don't like?	i (56m) have a son (28m) who spent a lot of time traveling overseas in his college years. he went all around the world, including several trips to the middle east, where he studied for his minor in arabic language and literature. a few years ago, my son found out that a woman he knew in pakistan had a son (9m). she claimed this son was his, which i doubted. my son, however, believed her without question. he asked this woman to send her son to the us to stay with my son so they could get to know each other. he has spent the last few summers here. recently, the boy moved in with my son fulltime, a decision i strongly urged against. my son enrolled him in the same private school we sent him to at that age, which is very expensive. i have tried to support my son's decision, but it has been hard. i really want my son to get a dna test, but he stubbornly keeps refusing. recently, things came to a head at a family dinner my son invited us to. he said the boy was feeling homesick, so they cooked pakistani food together. my son wanted the whole family to eat this food, because he said it would make the boy feel like he and his culture were accepted by the whole family. now, i don't like middle eastern food. i don't like strong spices. my son begged me to just try some of it, or to at least eat the bread they made. the bread had flecks of all kinds of weird spices on it though, so i refused. my son got mad and asked me to please eat something just to "make your grandson happy." he pulled me aside for this, so the boy wasn't present to hear our conversation. i told my son that i have no proof he is my grandson, and even if i did, i shouldn't have to eat food i don't like. my son called me a selfish, stubborn a and then asked me to leave. so, i did. my wife stayed though. my wife agrees with me that i shouldn't have to eat food i don't like, but she said i could have at least tried a bite to appease our son. she thinks i was just being stubborn to be stubborn. i wasn't though. i don't like middle eastern food, that's all. how can i be the a for that? still, my son isn't speaking to me right now. should i have just tried some bread?	11,592	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rtkzk5/aita_for_refusing_to_eat_food_i_dont_like/	2022-01-01 14:59:02	yta, pakistan isn’t even middle eastern lol it’s south asian but aight 😭😭😭 btw i’d also be angry if i reached middle age and couldn’t handle the “weird spices” on bread	yta for not even trying the food before deciding you don't like it, and for thinking your opinion matters in regard to whether this child is his son or not. gah, you're my exact age, and the stupendous, self-absorbed immaturity in your post...that breeze you feel is not evidence that the universe revolves around you. i have to wonder if you'd be as dismissive of this kid if he were white.	this isn't about food, this is about you refusing to believe a kid is your grandson because of his race. at least admit to yourself that if the grandson was your same race, you wouldn't be denying it so vehemently. yta	you don't just not like middle eastern food, you don't like middle eastern people. you didn't give any reason, why you doubt the boy is your grandson, except that his mother is pakistani. god forbid, you didn't spell it out, but it's in big letters between the lines. obviously your son loves the boy, so even if he wasn't his, you could try to learn a bit about him and his culture. you cannot even be bothered to try bread because it has spices on it, to help a homesick child? i guess you would even refuse mint tea, if somebody told you it was middle eastern drink. you are not only ta, you are a racist asshole. yta yta yta	“the bread had flecks of all kinds of weird spices on it.” i guess you took off your bib, got down from your booster seat, and toddled away. seriously? it’s bread and you could have tried it. let’s get to the real issue here, which isn’t the food. for whatever reason we aren’t privy to, this boy is your son’s child. instead of fighting this, why not embrace him and develop a relationship with him? you can state that these conversations about his dna are out of earshot of the boy, but i can guarantee you that this child can sense your disdain for him. and what’s his crime? being pakistani? i feel so sorry for the little boy and your son. you are unsupportive and, at worst, racist. oh, and ridiculously picky. yta.	yta and supposedly an adult. act like one. you don’t snub the host of a dinner by refusing to even try a bite of the meal they made for everyone just because you don’t like spices. get over yourself.	yta. for all the reasons all the other good ppl of reddit are saying. but what’s annoying me the most? the xenophobia that clearly shines through when you are equating pakistan as middle east. there may be overlap in cultures and religion, especially as you go west from pakistan geographically towards the ‘middle east’ but yo. not. the. same. it would be like saying ‘ugh they tried to make me eat burgers (or insert some very american food) i didn’t want to cos i don’t like european food okay?‘ not a perfect analogy but as senseless. biryani vs kabsa/mandi. samosa vs falafel. naan vs pita. if you are gonna be a racist, at least get your facts straight??	yta. you sound like a child complaining about specks on bread that you don’t like despite never actually trying. your son loves this boy like family, that should be enough for you.	this doesn't seem to be about food so much as your refusal to acknowledge this boy as family. your son seems to have come to the conclusion that blood or not, he's acting as a father figure to the boy. you seem to strongly resent that. this is driving a wedge between you and your son. any adult who is repulsed by "flecks of weird spices" would be annoying to deal with. yta. you could have found something or even sat at the table and had tea or water to participate. i think at the end of the day, the point is you didn't want to participate and you don't want your son to take on this boy as a responsibility and you have refused to tell him so.	info: do you think mayonnaise is spicy?	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	INFO	0.003	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (56m) have a son (28m) who spent a lot of time traveling overseas in his college years. he went all around the world, including several trips to the middle east, where he studied for his minor in arabic language and literature. a few years ago, my son found out that a woman he knew in pakistan had a son (9m). she claimed this son was his, which i doubted. my son, however, believed her without question. he asked this woman to send her son to the us to stay with my son so they could get to know each other. he has spent the last few summers here. recently, the boy moved in with my son fulltime, a decision i strongly urged against. my son enrolled him in the same private school we sent him to at that age, which is very expensive. i have tried to support my son's decision, but it has been hard. i really want my son to get a dna test, but he stubbornly keeps refusing. recently, things came to a head at a family dinner my son invited us to. he said the boy was feeling homesick, so they cooked pakistani food together. my son wanted the whole family to eat this food, because he said it would make the boy feel like he and his culture were accepted by the whole family. now, i don't like middle eastern food. i don't like strong spices. my son begged me to just try some of it, or to at least eat the bread they made. the bread had flecks of all kinds of weird spices on it though, so i refused. my son got mad and asked me to please eat something just to "make your grandson happy." he pulled me aside for this, so the boy wasn't present to hear our conversation. i told my son that i have no proof he is my grandson, and even if i did, i shouldn't have to eat food i don't like. my son called me a selfish, stubborn a and then asked me to leave. so, i did. my wife stayed though. my wife agrees with me that i shouldn't have to eat food i don't like, but she said i could have at least tried a bite to appease our son. she thinks i was just being stubborn to be stubborn. i wasn't though. i don't like middle eastern food, that's all. how can i be the a for that? still, my son isn't speaking to me right now. should i have just tried some bread?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i (56m) have a son (28m) who spent a lot of time traveling overseas in his college years. he went all around the world, including several trips to the middle east, where he studied for his minor in arabic language and literature. a few years ago, my son found out that a woman he knew in pakistan had a son (9m). she claimed this son was his, which i doubted. my son, however, believed her without question. he asked this woman to send her son to the us to stay with my son so they could get to know each other. he has spent the last few summers here. recently, the boy moved in with my son fulltime, a decision i strongly urged against. my son enrolled him in the same private school we sent him to at that age, which is very expensive. i have tried to support my son's decision, but it has been hard. i really want my son to get a dna test, but he stubbornly keeps refusing. recently, things came to a head at a family dinner my son invited us to. he said the boy was feeling homesick, so they cooked pakistani food together. my son wanted the whole family to eat this food, because he said it would make the boy feel like he and his culture were accepted by the whole family. now, i don't like middle eastern food. i don't like strong spices. my son begged me to just try some of it, or to at least eat the bread they made. the bread had flecks of all kinds of weird spices on it though, so i refused. my son got mad and asked me to please eat something just to "make your grandson happy." he pulled me aside for this, so the boy wasn't present to hear our conversation. i told my son that i have no proof he is my grandson, and even if i did, i shouldn't have to eat food i don't like. my son called me a selfish, stubborn a and then asked me to leave. so, i did. my wife stayed though. my wife agrees with me that i shouldn't have to eat food i don't like, but she said i could have at least tried a bite to appease our son. she thinks i was just being stubborn to be stubborn. i wasn't though. i don't like middle eastern food, that's all. how can i be the a for that? still, my son isn't speaking to me right now. should i have just tried some bread? [/INST] yta, pakistan isn’t even middle eastern lol it’s south asian but aight 😭😭😭 btw i’d also be angry if i reached middle age and couldn’t handle the “weird spices” on bread </s>
AITA for telling my bf I don't like the way he cuddles with his sister?	i saw a similar post and the judgment made me think more about my own story so here we go. my(23f) bf (24m)'s sister (26f) had her first kid quite young at 21. her daughter is now 5and has developed a cancerous brain tumour. her fiance and the baby daddy un-fianced her ( i don't know the proper term because i don't think break up works here). it's obviously all been really hard on her so my bfs been comforting her but i don't like that he cuddles her. like she'll hug him he will put his arm around her and stroke her back or something and she'll just cry into his chest. im not jealous because he cuddles a lot with me as well but i just think it's weird. i understand that it is his sister and she is going through a hard time, but i still thought it was weird and felt a little uncomfortable. so i went and talked to him about it and said it made me uncomfortable. he said that's my sister and im just trying to help her. i said that it still makes me uncomfortable. he asked me what i want him to do. i said just don't cuddle her give her support in other ways. he said that it was a good way of giving support and it helped her and that i need to calm down so i said fine and left it at that. at first, i thought he was being stubborn but now that ive thought about it more i think he may be right and i probably should calm down and try to help him instead of bothering him like this.	6,647	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oowhd1/aita_for_telling_my_bf_i_dont_like_the_way_he/	2021-07-21 18:57:47	yta - god you suck. some people need physical comfort. that’s his sister and she’s going through something unimaginable. in hope he sees the human shaped bag of red flag that you are.	yta i thought they were gonna be spooning or something based on your title, but that just sounds like a good hug. he sounds like a good brother to be honest.	yta. > *i said just don't cuddle her give her support in other ways.* he's right: you need to calm down. this is his sister we're talking about. it isn't your place to tell him what is or isn't weird. if it were truly inappropriate or whatever, they wouldn't do it in front of you. you don't feel comfortable when she's crying into her brother's chest? her 5-year-old-daughter got a brain tumor. the baby daddy is nowhere to be seen. if you wanna talk about your comfort, you need to get in line. it's a long one. # besides, who the hell are you? # just his girlfriend. # you're not even his fiancée. # even if you were, you know by now that people can get unfiancéd in a heartbeat. # you are not an exception.	[deleted]	yta- your bf nephew has brain cancer and you don’t like that he hugs his sister. seriously?	yta and it’s a bit creepy that you consider an hug between siblings something “inappropriate”	yta. the biggest. you’re sexualizing the way he comforts her. that’s his sister! he’s her brother. they have been in each other’s lives much longer than you have been there. don’t be insensitive.	yta. brothers and sisters can hug. do you honestly think they are having a sexual relationship? no? then what makes you uncomfortable doesn't really matter. keep your mouth shut and let him comfort his sister whose child has cancer!	\sigh\ yta and you know it. are you seriously jealous of his sister for christsakes?!?	he's right. you need to calm down. his sister is going through multiple unimaginable difficulties and her brother is comforting her in an effective and appropriate way. yta.	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i saw a similar post and the judgment made me think more about my own story so here we go. my(23f) bf (24m)'s sister (26f) had her first kid quite young at 21. her daughter is now 5and has developed a cancerous brain tumour. her fiance and the baby daddy un-fianced her ( i don't know the proper term because i don't think break up works here). it's obviously all been really hard on her so my bfs been comforting her but i don't like that he cuddles her. like she'll hug him he will put his arm around her and stroke her back or something and she'll just cry into his chest. im not jealous because he cuddles a lot with me as well but i just think it's weird. i understand that it is his sister and she is going through a hard time, but i still thought it was weird and felt a little uncomfortable. so i went and talked to him about it and said it made me uncomfortable. he said that's my sister and im just trying to help her. i said that it still makes me uncomfortable. he asked me what i want him to do. i said just don't cuddle her give her support in other ways. he said that it was a good way of giving support and it helped her and that i need to calm down so i said fine and left it at that. at first, i thought he was being stubborn but now that ive thought about it more i think he may be right and i probably should calm down and try to help him instead of bothering him like this.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i saw a similar post and the judgment made me think more about my own story so here we go. my(23f) bf (24m)'s sister (26f) had her first kid quite young at 21. her daughter is now 5and has developed a cancerous brain tumour. her fiance and the baby daddy un-fianced her ( i don't know the proper term because i don't think break up works here). it's obviously all been really hard on her so my bfs been comforting her but i don't like that he cuddles her. like she'll hug him he will put his arm around her and stroke her back or something and she'll just cry into his chest. im not jealous because he cuddles a lot with me as well but i just think it's weird. i understand that it is his sister and she is going through a hard time, but i still thought it was weird and felt a little uncomfortable. so i went and talked to him about it and said it made me uncomfortable. he said that's my sister and im just trying to help her. i said that it still makes me uncomfortable. he asked me what i want him to do. i said just don't cuddle her give her support in other ways. he said that it was a good way of giving support and it helped her and that i need to calm down so i said fine and left it at that. at first, i thought he was being stubborn but now that ive thought about it more i think he may be right and i probably should calm down and try to help him instead of bothering him like this. [/INST] yta - god you suck. some people need physical comfort. that’s his sister and she’s going through something unimaginable. in hope he sees the human shaped bag of red flag that you are. </s>
AITA for making my chronically late friend miss her seminar?	my friend [25f] is constantly late for everything. be it work-related or fun activities, she will always be at least 15-20 minute late. she does not have a car, and so oftentimes i [25m] will pick her up from her house (i work at a university and she is a phd student there, and her place is along the way for me). last time i offered her a ride to work, she ended up being 20 minutes late after i've already arrived at her place. because of that, i ended up being late for work. she is always very apologetic about her lateness, but never changes. this week she was supposed to give a seminar at the university which is a crucial part of her phd program. she asked me if i could give her a ride to work that day. i told her sure, but that i was picking her up at 8 am and she must be there exactly at 8 am, and not a minute later. she chuckled, but i told her i wasn't joking, and she promised that she will be there. the morning of her seminar, i drove to her place and got there at 7:55, and texted her that i was here, and she told me should would be out in "just a minute". at 8:00, there was no indication that she would come out (and she didn't text anything), so at 8:01, i drove off. at around 8:20, she called me asking me where i was. i told her i was at work and that i wasn't joking when i told her that she had to be ready right that minute. she started screaming and crying over the phone, and told me that she was having a hard time that morning couldn't be ready right at 8 am. she then begged me to come back to pick up her, as her seminar is at 9 am and she needed to be at the school before then. i could've done it quick enough to pick her up and drop her off without affecting my work, but i decided i didn't want to do that, and told her that i won't. she was crying and hyperventilating at that point and said she'd promise to never be late for anything else again, and reemphasized that this seminar was crucial for her phd and that she absolutely cannot miss it without severe consequence. i responded "oh well", and hung up. i then went about my day at work normally. i feel like could've went back and picked her up in this scenario since it wouldn't have been detrimental to me and at the same time this was something very important for her. on the other hand, i feel like this should be a wake-up call for her chronic lateness.	24,971	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xhmshd/aita_for_making_my_chronically_late_friend_miss/	2022-09-18 17:33:04	nta. you warned her. she also had 40 minutes to make other arrangements even after all her procrastination could you have been kinder? yes. could you have reminded her about your time restrictions? yes could you have given her a “final notice” with an “i’m going to drive away at 8:00”. yes is it rude af to be continuously late? hell yes is she an adult? yes is it your problem to manage her time? no still nta	when you said you left at 8:01 i was thinking ah, but when she didn't call you until 8:20 i laughed and thought oh no definitely nta. your friend needs to learn that punctuality in the professional world is important. also her chronic lateness should not be affecting you getting to work on time.	nta. why didn’t she just call an uber or taxi? if it was that important, she had other options available to her.	nta. i had a friend like this. i was left at the movies, restaurants, train stations - she was never ever on time, always apologetic, etc. etc. finally i just started leaving after 15 minutes (which even that seemed like a long time when you're waiting at a restaurant). i was also told after i left the first time "i'll never be late again, i promise". but she was. and then the friendship faded away. which was ok by me, my stomach was always in knots and i was always frustrated and angry by the time she showed up that i finally realized i wasn't enjoying myself. clearly your friend showed up at 8:20 and expected you to idly wait for her like her chauffeur. it is so disrespectful of your time. frankly, i'd be ok with not having this "friend".	nta, and i will die on this hill. chronically late people drive me absolutely insane. it’s inconsiderate as fuck, and when you finally put your foot down and have boundaries, you are the asshole instead of them. nope.	nta. i mean, i feel for her missing such an important event. but hey … if it was that important she should have been ready early, not just on time. and her “minute” was actually 20. you could have picked a less painful time to do this but i honestly think it would have continued until you ended up doing this at another crucial event for her.	nta. if someone's a phd candidate, that person is capable of setting an alarm, and should know the importance of time management. it's not as if you didn't warn her.	nta- welcome to your new shiny spine. personally, i hate mornings. they can all die in a fire. my body hurts, my brain is in a fog. i can’t think. it sucks. you know what sucks worse? being fired for constant tardiness. your friend needs to figure her shit out. at 25 this is a major adulting/survival skill she is missing and you are not doing her any favors by driving her. you are just going to get yourself in trouble by being distracted by her.	if the phd was really that important to her, she should have been ready on time. nta	nta. apologies don't mean anything if they don't actually put in the work to making amends. your friend performatively apologizes and then doesn't put in any work to change her lateness, even though it negatively affected you. you did communicate with her that you were going to leave, she laughed at you. she then had the audacity to call you up at 8:20 to ask where you were? you need to see that she lied to you, and didn't come down for 19 minutes. that's very inconsiderate of your time. she was the one who was late, if she had ordered a car to come and get her that person more than likely would have left as well or given her a late charge. it is not your responsibility to take her disrespect. but you should stop offering rides to her if you actually want to stay friends with her. because of her being late and inconsiderate is only a problem when she knows she has you ather beck and call, stop being at her beck and call	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my friend [25f] is constantly late for everything. be it work-related or fun activities, she will always be at least 15-20 minute late. she does not have a car, and so oftentimes i [25m] will pick her up from her house (i work at a university and she is a phd student there, and her place is along the way for me). last time i offered her a ride to work, she ended up being 20 minutes late after i've already arrived at her place. because of that, i ended up being late for work. she is always very apologetic about her lateness, but never changes. this week she was supposed to give a seminar at the university which is a crucial part of her phd program. she asked me if i could give her a ride to work that day. i told her sure, but that i was picking her up at 8 am and she must be there exactly at 8 am, and not a minute later. she chuckled, but i told her i wasn't joking, and she promised that she will be there. the morning of her seminar, i drove to her place and got there at 7:55, and texted her that i was here, and she told me should would be out in "just a minute". at 8:00, there was no indication that she would come out (and she didn't text anything), so at 8:01, i drove off. at around 8:20, she called me asking me where i was. i told her i was at work and that i wasn't joking when i told her that she had to be ready right that minute. she started screaming and crying over the phone, and told me that she was having a hard time that morning couldn't be ready right at 8 am. she then begged me to come back to pick up her, as her seminar is at 9 am and she needed to be at the school before then. i could've done it quick enough to pick her up and drop her off without affecting my work, but i decided i didn't want to do that, and told her that i won't. she was crying and hyperventilating at that point and said she'd promise to never be late for anything else again, and reemphasized that this seminar was crucial for her phd and that she absolutely cannot miss it without severe consequence. i responded "oh well", and hung up. i then went about my day at work normally. i feel like could've went back and picked her up in this scenario since it wouldn't have been detrimental to me and at the same time this was something very important for her. on the other hand, i feel like this should be a wake-up call for her chronic lateness.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my friend [25f] is constantly late for everything. be it work-related or fun activities, she will always be at least 15-20 minute late. she does not have a car, and so oftentimes i [25m] will pick her up from her house (i work at a university and she is a phd student there, and her place is along the way for me). last time i offered her a ride to work, she ended up being 20 minutes late after i've already arrived at her place. because of that, i ended up being late for work. she is always very apologetic about her lateness, but never changes. this week she was supposed to give a seminar at the university which is a crucial part of her phd program. she asked me if i could give her a ride to work that day. i told her sure, but that i was picking her up at 8 am and she must be there exactly at 8 am, and not a minute later. she chuckled, but i told her i wasn't joking, and she promised that she will be there. the morning of her seminar, i drove to her place and got there at 7:55, and texted her that i was here, and she told me should would be out in "just a minute". at 8:00, there was no indication that she would come out (and she didn't text anything), so at 8:01, i drove off. at around 8:20, she called me asking me where i was. i told her i was at work and that i wasn't joking when i told her that she had to be ready right that minute. she started screaming and crying over the phone, and told me that she was having a hard time that morning couldn't be ready right at 8 am. she then begged me to come back to pick up her, as her seminar is at 9 am and she needed to be at the school before then. i could've done it quick enough to pick her up and drop her off without affecting my work, but i decided i didn't want to do that, and told her that i won't. she was crying and hyperventilating at that point and said she'd promise to never be late for anything else again, and reemphasized that this seminar was crucial for her phd and that she absolutely cannot miss it without severe consequence. i responded "oh well", and hung up. i then went about my day at work normally. i feel like could've went back and picked her up in this scenario since it wouldn't have been detrimental to me and at the same time this was something very important for her. on the other hand, i feel like this should be a wake-up call for her chronic lateness. [/INST] nta. you warned her. she also had 40 minutes to make other arrangements even after all her procrastination could you have been kinder? yes. could you have reminded her about your time restrictions? yes could you have given her a “final notice” with an “i’m going to drive away at 8:00”. yes is it rude af to be continuously late? hell yes is she an adult? yes is it your problem to manage her time? no still nta </s>
AITA for “mansplaining” my dates disability?	at the beginning of lockdown i was bored and on tinder, not unusual, and met this woman called lara. we began talking and agreed that we should meet up once restrictions had lifted. she very early into talking warned me that she was severely deaf, but i’ve met deaf people before so this didn’t bother me. she came over to my apartment and we at the beginning really got on. she didn’t look exactly like her pictures but i thought it wouldn’t hurt getting to know her a little bit. a few minutes after we got situated and comfortable with each other, i asked her some questions about herself, which she didn’t answer as she said they were too personal. she then made a comment about her deafness, so i took that as an opportunity to tell her what i knew and ask her if she’d ever considered a cochlear implant and such. she rudely interrupted me and told me i was getting some of my facts wrong and when i asked her how she’d became deaf, she said it was meningitis which i was unaware could cause deafness, so in the moment i laughed and said that wasn’t true. she left half an hour after getting to my place, and said i wasn’t listening to her nor was i getting my facts right. i got quite irritated by this as i thought it was quite rude so told her i’d walk her back to hers, to which she refused saying it was fine. i checked my phone later that evening and she’d sent me a long text before blocking me on everything basically saying i’m a massive ass. when i’ve told my friends about the date they’ve all said that too. aita?	6,200	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/h0z6mw/aita_for_mansplaining_my_dates_disability/	2020-06-11 13:20:37	yta you asked a deaf person how she became deaf, and then laughed at her and called her a liar because of your own lack of knowledge about the situation. the correct response would have been, "oh, i didn't know meningitis could cause deafness," not "haha, no, you're wrong about the cause of your own disability."	"she rudely interrupted me" - imagine having the audacity to interrupt someone as they try to explain your disability to you /s you're a troll or this really happened, either way yta.	i'm sorry, when she told you meningitis led to her losing her hearing you laughed and told her she was wrong? jesus dude. yta. as if you honestly think its perfectly ok to explain a person's disability to the person with the disability. can you even hear yourself?	lol. yta. i hope this is fake.	yta for sure. really? you're going to take it on yourself to try and explain something you've never experienced to someone who is living it...? please.	info is there some argument for you not being an asshole? how is this a question?	yta no one wants medical advice from some bro they met in tinder. then you laughed at her getting meningitis and told her that's not what caused her to become deaf? how are you even not sure who ta is in this situation? there are a lot of "mansplaining" posts here that are murky or the word gets overused or misused but this is correct use of mansplaining for anyone who isn't sure.	yta. it's her disability, i can guarantee that she knows more about it than you.	yta all the way. this is like when i was vomiting my guts our from a staph infection and some jerk told me that staph infections couldn't cause nausea. yes, they can. i guarantee that she knows more about being deaf than you do and that she knows her options. when she told you you had your facts wrong, you should have accepted that and moved on.	yta. i feel sorry for this poor girl. imagine telling someone about your personal path deafness and being laughed at and called a liar.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	INFO	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0.003	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: at the beginning of lockdown i was bored and on tinder, not unusual, and met this woman called lara. we began talking and agreed that we should meet up once restrictions had lifted. she very early into talking warned me that she was severely deaf, but i’ve met deaf people before so this didn’t bother me. she came over to my apartment and we at the beginning really got on. she didn’t look exactly like her pictures but i thought it wouldn’t hurt getting to know her a little bit. a few minutes after we got situated and comfortable with each other, i asked her some questions about herself, which she didn’t answer as she said they were too personal. she then made a comment about her deafness, so i took that as an opportunity to tell her what i knew and ask her if she’d ever considered a cochlear implant and such. she rudely interrupted me and told me i was getting some of my facts wrong and when i asked her how she’d became deaf, she said it was meningitis which i was unaware could cause deafness, so in the moment i laughed and said that wasn’t true. she left half an hour after getting to my place, and said i wasn’t listening to her nor was i getting my facts right. i got quite irritated by this as i thought it was quite rude so told her i’d walk her back to hers, to which she refused saying it was fine. i checked my phone later that evening and she’d sent me a long text before blocking me on everything basically saying i’m a massive ass. when i’ve told my friends about the date they’ve all said that too. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> at the beginning of lockdown i was bored and on tinder, not unusual, and met this woman called lara. we began talking and agreed that we should meet up once restrictions had lifted. she very early into talking warned me that she was severely deaf, but i’ve met deaf people before so this didn’t bother me. she came over to my apartment and we at the beginning really got on. she didn’t look exactly like her pictures but i thought it wouldn’t hurt getting to know her a little bit. a few minutes after we got situated and comfortable with each other, i asked her some questions about herself, which she didn’t answer as she said they were too personal. she then made a comment about her deafness, so i took that as an opportunity to tell her what i knew and ask her if she’d ever considered a cochlear implant and such. she rudely interrupted me and told me i was getting some of my facts wrong and when i asked her how she’d became deaf, she said it was meningitis which i was unaware could cause deafness, so in the moment i laughed and said that wasn’t true. she left half an hour after getting to my place, and said i wasn’t listening to her nor was i getting my facts right. i got quite irritated by this as i thought it was quite rude so told her i’d walk her back to hers, to which she refused saying it was fine. i checked my phone later that evening and she’d sent me a long text before blocking me on everything basically saying i’m a massive ass. when i’ve told my friends about the date they’ve all said that too. aita? [/INST] yta you asked a deaf person how she became deaf, and then laughed at her and called her a liar because of your own lack of knowledge about the situation. the correct response would have been, "oh, i didn't know meningitis could cause deafness," not "haha, no, you're wrong about the cause of your own disability." </s>
AITA for asking my roommate to stop putting her washable pads in our communal wash machine?	live with my best friend and his girlfriend in a 2 bedroom apartment. everything has always been smooth and our arrangement works out fine for the most part, everyone split rent evenly. we have 2 bathrooms so one they use in their room and i took over the other one. last night it was my turn to do laundry and i needed to switch everything over but my boy’s gf still had clothes in the dryer. she was at work and forgot so she texted me if i can just dump her clothes on top of the dryer and she will take care of it later. i had no problem with this but when i started taking her clothes out i saw these button pad things in there. i was kinda weirded out because they looked like diapers so when she got home i asked her what those are for. she told me they are washable pads. like for her period. i wasn’t mean or tried to be rude but i asked her if she’s seriously washing used bloody pads in our communal laundry. she said yes. i was honest and told her that’s a little gross and that i thought pads were meant to be disposable for a reason. she got upset and said there’s no reason why she shouldn’t wash them with the rest of her clothes and if i expected her to go to a laundromat. i told her no of course not but maybe to hand wash them next time in her bathroom. she told her bf about it and he said i crossed a line and to apologize. just to keep the peace i did but she’s been giving me attitude since. i don’t think it was unreasonable to ask her to just clean them in her bathroom because they are essentially covered in blood. i would never ask her to pay money or make a trip to go to the laundromat but at least wash private things like that in private. i’ve always been uncomfortable with blood and it makes me uneasy. we all pay rent and i would never do something that made her uncomfortable	4,913	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/d4grrh/aita_for_asking_my_roommate_to_stop_putting_her/	2019-09-15 06:08:43	yta. she's not washing them with your clothes mixed in, she lives there too and she's entitled to use the machine to wash a machine washable product. i've lived with guys who would toss jizz crusted sheets in the wash all the time. not pleasant to think about, but it's what the machine is for.	yta, big time. she can start hand washing her pads when you start hand washing your cum crusted boxers. do you see how that would be unreasonable to ask of someone? you can wash your smelly socks and your gym clothes like a normal person but because blood makes you squeamish she can’t wash her own items? i really hope that you’re just ignorant and don’t understand that there’s many reasons for reusable pads like comfort, affordability, and health reasons. it doesn’t make them any more gross than underwear when they’re being washed properly. you’re usually suppose to rinse them first before they go in to get most of the blood off. it’s not like she’s dumping shit in your washer. a wash machine’s job is to wash things, you won’t get cooties from it. i would do a little research and educate yourself. then go and give her an authentic apology.	yta. sorry bro, but not sorry. ywbta on the single principle that she pays to live there and use the machine the same as everybody else, alone. however, let me get into the other reasons why yta! 1. it's no different than washing her panties, which i'm sure you realize that on occasion, women bleed onto their underwear accidentally. also, it's not uncommon for women to have some vaginal discharge at some point in the month, which is surely also washed in the machine, and it's not always practical nor comfortable to "just wear a pad/liner" every day. 2. it's no different than washing anything with any of your bodily fluids, which i'm sure is fine by you. i have removed comments about male pheromones adherence. i was apparently mistaken, having picked up misinformation along the way. however, i do stand by the fact that they do exist, as there is much evidence, identification and some known functions of them, as well as a sensory detection in our olfactory system than registers them. it's just no longer relevant with the other half being of questionable validity. thank you to those who corrected me. 3. she can't help having a period. what she can help is using non-eco-friendly, disposable, mixed material, chemically bleached and laden material, that is expensive, every month. reusable pads are sanitary, safe, comfortable, eco-friendly and money saving. a similar alternative is the period cup, which she would be boiling in a pot on the stove. some women aren't comfortable with inserted cups and some women use both or neither product, but it's her choice what is most comfortable and financially feasible for her each month. 4. it's a washing machine. have you any idea, the rigorous cycle that they put materials through? how many agitations, how much draining and then rinsing they put clothing through? it's not like it's leaving blood all over inside. 5. since this is you problem and not a her problem, the onus is on you to be an adult about it. if it squicks you out so much, you can run a cycle after she washes her pads, empty, with bleach, to clean out the machine. it's unnecessary but since this is a purely psychological, immaturity-based problem, perhaps it would alleviate your concerns. these are just some of the reasons yta in this scenario, dude. women have periods, it's a fact of life, and they do the best they can to cope comfortably with it. they don't need someone who can't get past it and be an adult making it harder for them every month. either take my above suggestion or go to the laundromat, or, let it go as a mature adult.	yta - to be honest this sounds fake. i don't know a single person who doesn't know that you wash blood out of clothing in the washer just like every other kind of stain causing agent out there. you just set it on cold so that it doesn't bake into the fabric. also, she's washing it with her clothing, not yours. so, i'm really confused on why you think that affects you.	yta. to try to help you understand this situation: when we wash things, we use soap. soap is like magic. all the gross stuff we don’t like is attracted to soap. the soap scoops up it’s dirty acolytes and whisks them away to somewhere nicer. when it’s done, there are no dirty acolytes left. sometimes we need to use soap twice, but that’s because sometimes stains happen and stains aren’t dangerous just ugly. or soap has two ends, hydrophilic and hydrophobic. the hydrophilic end of soap bonds to water. the hydrophobic end binds to dirt, grease, etc.. when clothes are put into a machine with soap, all the blood, dirt, grease, and so on, bind the soap. the soap also binds to the water. the machine “beats” the clothing using friction and jostling to break any stuck on grime. it all goes out with the water, because it's stuck to something stuck to the water. there’s nothing special about blood that would make the machine less effective, or the soap. the worst you’d see is a stain on the reusable pad. this is discoloration, not dangerous (or gross) dirt and pathogens. there’s no solid reason to stop her unless she has a blood illness. the only other reasons are the “eww” factor, but that’s not a good reason. i hate lobster but it’s not like the pot is contaminated just because my husband boiled some in it.	yta. when you wet the bed as a kid, did you expect your parents to wash sheets elsewhere? if you get vomit on your clothes do you wash yhem in another washing machine? no, they go in the washing machine everyone uses. the fact that you had no idea it was happening until you touched her clean clothes means that there hasn't been any impact on you. grow up.	you would never do something to make her uncomfortable, yet you asked her to clarify on what you thought might be a diaper? you didn't think that could make her uncomfortable? yta.	boy this attempt at a validation post backfired on you hard didn't it	yta. your sweaty balls underwear goes in the communal wash machine, does it not? it’s a machine that washes things with hot water and detergent. it’s fine. they’re not in with your clothes.	yta. it’s a washing machine. it washes all your undies which can be stained with literal piss and shit, plus sweaty clothes and used towels. there’s no difference. she’s not asking you to hand wash them or even put them in the machine. get over it.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: live with my best friend and his girlfriend in a 2 bedroom apartment. everything has always been smooth and our arrangement works out fine for the most part, everyone split rent evenly. we have 2 bathrooms so one they use in their room and i took over the other one. last night it was my turn to do laundry and i needed to switch everything over but my boy’s gf still had clothes in the dryer. she was at work and forgot so she texted me if i can just dump her clothes on top of the dryer and she will take care of it later. i had no problem with this but when i started taking her clothes out i saw these button pad things in there. i was kinda weirded out because they looked like diapers so when she got home i asked her what those are for. she told me they are washable pads. like for her period. i wasn’t mean or tried to be rude but i asked her if she’s seriously washing used bloody pads in our communal laundry. she said yes. i was honest and told her that’s a little gross and that i thought pads were meant to be disposable for a reason. she got upset and said there’s no reason why she shouldn’t wash them with the rest of her clothes and if i expected her to go to a laundromat. i told her no of course not but maybe to hand wash them next time in her bathroom. she told her bf about it and he said i crossed a line and to apologize. just to keep the peace i did but she’s been giving me attitude since. i don’t think it was unreasonable to ask her to just clean them in her bathroom because they are essentially covered in blood. i would never ask her to pay money or make a trip to go to the laundromat but at least wash private things like that in private. i’ve always been uncomfortable with blood and it makes me uneasy. we all pay rent and i would never do something that made her uncomfortable	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> live with my best friend and his girlfriend in a 2 bedroom apartment. everything has always been smooth and our arrangement works out fine for the most part, everyone split rent evenly. we have 2 bathrooms so one they use in their room and i took over the other one. last night it was my turn to do laundry and i needed to switch everything over but my boy’s gf still had clothes in the dryer. she was at work and forgot so she texted me if i can just dump her clothes on top of the dryer and she will take care of it later. i had no problem with this but when i started taking her clothes out i saw these button pad things in there. i was kinda weirded out because they looked like diapers so when she got home i asked her what those are for. she told me they are washable pads. like for her period. i wasn’t mean or tried to be rude but i asked her if she’s seriously washing used bloody pads in our communal laundry. she said yes. i was honest and told her that’s a little gross and that i thought pads were meant to be disposable for a reason. she got upset and said there’s no reason why she shouldn’t wash them with the rest of her clothes and if i expected her to go to a laundromat. i told her no of course not but maybe to hand wash them next time in her bathroom. she told her bf about it and he said i crossed a line and to apologize. just to keep the peace i did but she’s been giving me attitude since. i don’t think it was unreasonable to ask her to just clean them in her bathroom because they are essentially covered in blood. i would never ask her to pay money or make a trip to go to the laundromat but at least wash private things like that in private. i’ve always been uncomfortable with blood and it makes me uneasy. we all pay rent and i would never do something that made her uncomfortable [/INST] yta. she's not washing them with your clothes mixed in, she lives there too and she's entitled to use the machine to wash a machine washable product. i've lived with guys who would toss jizz crusted sheets in the wash all the time. not pleasant to think about, but it's what the machine is for. </s>
AITA for not eating "home cooked" food at a pot luck?	so every month or so at work my colleagues will bring in their homemade food and everyone will eat and pat each other on the back about the various food. now i usually come up with an excuse to get out of eating, but i will bring in cookies or drinks to "contribute", and it had worked up until today. my co-workers basically confronted me about how i never eat because i'm "too good for their food" and other ridiculous peer pressure tactics and wouldn't leave it alone. so i straight up told them something like, "i don't know how you live, you could have roaches. you could have pets that you pet then go back to cooking, and i've personally seen a few of you leave the bathroom without washing your hands. it's not just your food i don't eat anyone's food unless i know their sanitary standards." then i proceeded to read the tsb on my laptop. i glanced up and everyone was staring at me like i just said the most offensive thing they've ever heard. so aita? edit 1: tsb stands for technical service bulletin edit 2: i work at a power plant so the people i work with have thicker skin than most.	4,043	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/b4d8lv/aita_for_not_eating_home_cooked_food_at_a_pot_luck/	2019-03-23 01:23:45	yta for figuring out the least tactful thing to say to the people that you have to work with on a daily basis.	yta. "hey, why don't you eat our pot luck food?" "because you guys are gross." how is it not totally obvious that this is an offensive thing to say?	yta for your explanation. i get where you're coming from, and i don't really like to eat home-cooked meals from acquaintances either, but you went about it in a really bad way.	yta you're delusional if you think every restaurant you've ever eaten at had top notch hygiene	holy shit yta!!! i mean, you could have said you were a fussy eater or had weird dietary restrictions or any other dang thing but you went straight to ‘yer a bunch of pigs that live in filth and i’m not eating your slop!’ so, yah. scorched earth was probably not necessary in this circumstance, yah know?	esh i'm picky with food too, and people are assholes about it. they were in the wrong but you're response was awful and insulting.	esh. you're allowed to not participate and they shouldn't have pressed you about it. you also said it in the most vicious way possible. as an aside, i agree 300% about the ones who don't wash their hands. people like that are disgusting freaks.	yta. you have no social tact. there's a million better ways to say that. you also sound like a snob with your "homemade food and pat each other on the back" comment.	yta, not for the fact that you’re wary of people’s cleanliness, that’s totally fine, but because your explanation was blunt assholish.	yta. pretty clear cut on this one. you're an asshole op.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	ESH	ESH	YTA	YTA	YTA	0.002	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so every month or so at work my colleagues will bring in their homemade food and everyone will eat and pat each other on the back about the various food. now i usually come up with an excuse to get out of eating, but i will bring in cookies or drinks to "contribute", and it had worked up until today. my co-workers basically confronted me about how i never eat because i'm "too good for their food" and other ridiculous peer pressure tactics and wouldn't leave it alone. so i straight up told them something like, "i don't know how you live, you could have roaches. you could have pets that you pet then go back to cooking, and i've personally seen a few of you leave the bathroom without washing your hands. it's not just your food i don't eat anyone's food unless i know their sanitary standards." then i proceeded to read the tsb on my laptop. i glanced up and everyone was staring at me like i just said the most offensive thing they've ever heard. so aita? edit 1: tsb stands for technical service bulletin edit 2: i work at a power plant so the people i work with have thicker skin than most.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> so every month or so at work my colleagues will bring in their homemade food and everyone will eat and pat each other on the back about the various food. now i usually come up with an excuse to get out of eating, but i will bring in cookies or drinks to "contribute", and it had worked up until today. my co-workers basically confronted me about how i never eat because i'm "too good for their food" and other ridiculous peer pressure tactics and wouldn't leave it alone. so i straight up told them something like, "i don't know how you live, you could have roaches. you could have pets that you pet then go back to cooking, and i've personally seen a few of you leave the bathroom without washing your hands. it's not just your food i don't eat anyone's food unless i know their sanitary standards." then i proceeded to read the tsb on my laptop. i glanced up and everyone was staring at me like i just said the most offensive thing they've ever heard. so aita? edit 1: tsb stands for technical service bulletin edit 2: i work at a power plant so the people i work with have thicker skin than most. [/INST] yta for figuring out the least tactful thing to say to the people that you have to work with on a daily basis. </s>
AITA for not promising to change some of my perfectly harmless behaviors just because my mother-in-law is staying with us?	for some background, my husband (36m) and i (27f) have been married for a little over a year, and we recently bought a nice house. it has a pool and a hottub and one of the things i've enjoyed is unwinding after a long day. my work has been really busy and stressful (working at a startup). my family has always been very comfortable with nudity, so i find it really irritating and completely unnecessary to be told to restrict some perfectly harmless things. such as swimming / hot-tubbing nude, topless sunbathing, having to wear a bra whenever guests are over. now, my husband's old mom who is from a different world (a southern lady who is super prudish and very passive aggressive) is staying with us for a month. my husband wants me to stop sunbathing / swimming / hot-tubbing topless and "dressing up a little more" when having breakfast and dinner. i flat out refused. i told her she's a guest in our house and i won't be rude or inappropriate, but i am not going to change things, especially when its going to cut off a crucial way in which i relax and unwind. i genuinely think my mental health and work will suffer if this avenue is cut off (i spent 10-15 min swimming and another 10-15 min relaxing in the tub every day without fail). aita here? i am willing to be accommodating with my cooking (she hates vegetarian food, so i'm going to be cooking more meat) among other things, including moving my office setup to a different room to get her a downstairs bedroom (stairs are tough). these make sense, the prudishness, no!	4,986	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/usjbwq/aita_for_not_promising_to_change_some_of_my/	2022-05-18 18:23:58	yta - not wanting to see people naked isn’t “prudish”. i would draw the line with the dressing up part or needing to wear a bra. but it’s not unreasonable to not want you to be naked. if your mental health tanks because you’re wearing a bikini instead of naked there’s bigger issues here.	> i genuinely think my mental health and work will suffer if this avenue is cut off (i spent 10-15 min swimming and another 10-15 min relaxing in the tub every day without fail). yta. nobody said you can’t do this. they’re just asking you to wear a swimsuit. it’s really not that serious. people all make compromises for guests, and this is like the easiest thing to do.	yta not being nude infront of guests, especially if they are uncomfortable, is just basic decency. clearly you're lacking it.	yta. your mental health is not going to suffer because you have to wear a bathing suit, ffs. it’s not prudish to not want to see your daughter in law naked. you are being rude and ridiculous and unwelcoming.	yta - no one is telling you not to go in the pool or hot tub. throwing a bikini top on is not going to impact these experiences. if you need to feel water on your nipples 10-15mins a day inorder to prevent you from suffering a mental breakdown then go sit in the bathtub.	yta, your guest shouldn't have to deal with seeing you nude in common areas. i don't think it's an unreasonable ask and a swimsuit isn't that restrictive that it will affect your mental health and ability to relax. go lay in your bathroom tub where it's private if being naked in warm water is so vital to your mental health.	info: can you please explain how your mental health will suffer if you have to swim with a bathing suit on?	yta. you’re being dramatic. your mental health will not plummet if you wear a top to swim or sun bathe. you just sound incredibly hostile and rude. do you wear a bra and top to work? do you wear a top or bra to your friends house for parties? if so… how has your mental health not gone rock bottom? again you’re being over dramatic. it’s not being a prude for not wanting to see your tits, or for being uncomfortable the moment you walk into the house because it seems like the moment the front door closes you’re stripping through the house till you get to the pool. learn how to be a host.	yta. in comments you say “dressing up for meals” means wearing more than a shirt and panties. yeah, that’s a completely reasonable ask. if it’s too hot, your husband can compromise by turning up the ac. you should be willing to wear a cover and be wrapped up to and from the hot tub. your mil can just not look out the window for 30 minutes while you are submerged anyway.	yta. if you are prepared to compromise your vegetarianism (something i would never do) to accommodate your mil, then you most certainly can compromise by not being nude around her. i get it, body autonomy in ones own home is very important, but so is being a decent person towards people who are guests in our homes.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	INFO	YTA	YTA	YTA	0.003	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: for some background, my husband (36m) and i (27f) have been married for a little over a year, and we recently bought a nice house. it has a pool and a hottub and one of the things i've enjoyed is unwinding after a long day. my work has been really busy and stressful (working at a startup). my family has always been very comfortable with nudity, so i find it really irritating and completely unnecessary to be told to restrict some perfectly harmless things. such as swimming / hot-tubbing nude, topless sunbathing, having to wear a bra whenever guests are over. now, my husband's old mom who is from a different world (a southern lady who is super prudish and very passive aggressive) is staying with us for a month. my husband wants me to stop sunbathing / swimming / hot-tubbing topless and "dressing up a little more" when having breakfast and dinner. i flat out refused. i told her she's a guest in our house and i won't be rude or inappropriate, but i am not going to change things, especially when its going to cut off a crucial way in which i relax and unwind. i genuinely think my mental health and work will suffer if this avenue is cut off (i spent 10-15 min swimming and another 10-15 min relaxing in the tub every day without fail). aita here? i am willing to be accommodating with my cooking (she hates vegetarian food, so i'm going to be cooking more meat) among other things, including moving my office setup to a different room to get her a downstairs bedroom (stairs are tough). these make sense, the prudishness, no!	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> for some background, my husband (36m) and i (27f) have been married for a little over a year, and we recently bought a nice house. it has a pool and a hottub and one of the things i've enjoyed is unwinding after a long day. my work has been really busy and stressful (working at a startup). my family has always been very comfortable with nudity, so i find it really irritating and completely unnecessary to be told to restrict some perfectly harmless things. such as swimming / hot-tubbing nude, topless sunbathing, having to wear a bra whenever guests are over. now, my husband's old mom who is from a different world (a southern lady who is super prudish and very passive aggressive) is staying with us for a month. my husband wants me to stop sunbathing / swimming / hot-tubbing topless and "dressing up a little more" when having breakfast and dinner. i flat out refused. i told her she's a guest in our house and i won't be rude or inappropriate, but i am not going to change things, especially when its going to cut off a crucial way in which i relax and unwind. i genuinely think my mental health and work will suffer if this avenue is cut off (i spent 10-15 min swimming and another 10-15 min relaxing in the tub every day without fail). aita here? i am willing to be accommodating with my cooking (she hates vegetarian food, so i'm going to be cooking more meat) among other things, including moving my office setup to a different room to get her a downstairs bedroom (stairs are tough). these make sense, the prudishness, no! [/INST] yta - not wanting to see people naked isn’t “prudish”. i would draw the line with the dressing up part or needing to wear a bra. but it’s not unreasonable to not want you to be naked. if your mental health tanks because you’re wearing a bikini instead of naked there’s bigger issues here. </s>
AITA for defending my friend and saying my wife needs to work on her insecurities?	i've been married to "jessica" for 13 years and we have two girls, 12 and 5. i have a female friend "madison" who i have known since before i was with jessica. this has never caused much of an issue, because i met madison through her ex husband, who is still one of her best friends, and we usually hang out in a group, so jessica has never felt jealous or threatened. she doesn't like madison though due to clashing personalities. she feels madison and our mutual friend (her ex)'s wife look down on her, but she can't come up with any examples and admits it is just a gut feeling. i don't know what to believe there, because other people have told me they felt that it was jessica who hated the two other women. madison has a glamorous life. she used to work in fashion and married a guy with fuck you money, so my 12 year old has always been in awe of her just due to the clothes and the parties. this annoys jessica, but we never thought much of it. jessica is more the girl next door type and looks down on madison for some of the glamor. my 5 year old has been having some behavioral issues lately, so we are working on that, but everyone is a little tense. madison and her current husband stopped by saturday night after attending some sort of gala fundraiser, because he lent me some something and needed it back. madison was dressed up from the gala. our 5 year old hear the noise and it woke her up. we had been having a tough day with her behavior and my wife was burnt out. she saw madison and said "you look like a princess. you are so pretty and your dresses are so pretty. i wish you were my mom." madison laughed and was like aww thank you, which jessica thought was insensitive. when they left she went off about what a bitch madison was. i thought it would blow over, but she has been pressuring me to distance myself from the friendship. i argued madison didn't even do anything and it was about a dress, not my wife, but jessica says that it doesn't matter what madison did. she is my wife and she is uncomfortable, so that should be my priority. today she brought it up again and i snapped at he that she needs to work on her insecurity. no one did anything wrong, and i am entitled to a life and friendships which don't get to be dictated by her insecurities. obviously that did not go over well.	6,477	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/umjs1s/aita_for_defending_my_friend_and_saying_my_wife/	2022-05-10 14:18:17	yta. your child said this: >i wish you were my mom. and you did nothing to correct either your kid or maddison? you did worse than that, you allowed this random woman to encourage the comment and validated with her and your wife. do you even like your wife? cause you certainly don't have her back at all. disgraceful.	esh i think but i think some of the other points folks are making are valid too. 1. your wife sucks for trying to dictate your friendships, though it does sound like she's sort of reached a final straw kind of attitude after a lot of resentment has built up toward this woman. even if it's coming from a place of insecurity, that's just unfortunately where she's at now and it's not the most mature. 2. madison sucks for not sticking up for your wife in the eyes of your daughter. i realize that's petty and not truly her fault but if someone's daughter said "i wish you were my mom", with their mom stood right there, i would kindly remind her that her mom is beautiful and hype her up instead. i can 100% see why your wife's feelings would be hurt by that. 3. you kinda suck for not better understanding where your wife is coming from and not doing more to reassure her and hype her up within your own family. in the above scenario for example you could have said something like "well your mom is my favorite princess" and given her a kiss or something. again i realize it might seem silly but that little gesture of your love and support would have gone a long way to alleviate this i bet. just seems like lots of ongoing insensitivity and poor communication has resulted in a blow-up and you could both be respecting and supporting each other better. edit to add: for anyone who doesn't want to deep dive into op's comments. he has stated, among other things: \-that he married jessica primarily because she got pregnant and because she fit ok into his lifestyle; not because of love. \-they maintain separate lives; he states he doesn't want to lose his independence to fatherhood and husbandhood. so her friends hardly know him, his friends hardly know her. they go out separately. he has dinner with madison 1-2 times a week. \-madison is a dealbreaker for him. he has proposed divorce to his wife but believes she's simply staying with him to continue to have things paid for as a sahm. so in short, my assessment of him sucking was pretty correct. he doesn't like his wife very much and is prioritizing his friendship with madison over everything else. no wonder there's some insecurity on his wife's part.	unpopular opinion but nta. maddison brushed off the comment and laughed, that’s not an inappropriate reaction. i think most kids will say something similar at one point, especially at 5 years old.	i am puzzled to make a judgment here but i am even more surprised at the number of people who say the girl s comment is heartbreaking. i mean : kids do say this. - they tell their parents they hate them when they are not allowed to stay up or another candy bar. - they tell them they wish they were born to another, much cooler, family. - they make comments about our bodies (my number 2 à few months after my 3rd pregnancy : "mummy it s funny how your belly has become normal again but your behind is still huge" - take that post-partum body image) it doesnt mean anything and i consider my job as a parent to be secure enough in my relationship to them to be able to take this comment as it is : either no-filter or expression of a strong emotion (frustration, anger,...) that has in fact very little to do with me.	nta. if i had a quarter for every time a child said something less than sensitive, i’d be able to afford those fancy dresses, too. it’s natural for a child to see the shiny pretty thing and want that. your wife is the one with the problem and yes, should get some therapy to sort it out. it’s not your responsibility to make your wife feel better - actually, you can’t. you could cut the whole world out and she would likely still find something to feel insecure about because she’s looking externally to fix an internal issue. couples counseling would be a good way to navigate finding the balance between being supporting and being an emotional crutch. editing to say that after op added a lot more context - he’s an ah.	honestly? nta. yes she is your wife. yes she should be your priority. but if she can give no real reason why she dislikes madison, or any situation where madison has actually been mean to her, she is being petty and irrational. partners should never dictate who you are and aren't friends with. male, female, or otherwise.	nta. the only people i see giving ah votes seem to be people who are old fashioned and expect you to go along with everything your wife says. you didn't do anything wrong and your friend didn't either. yes, you could've been a tad gentler with your wife but you're right, she is jealous and insecure and that's her issue to work on. you can only support.	nta i hate it when people project their insecurities onto others. she may need therapy. hold your ground because if she forces you to do one thing due to her insecurities, it will be the start of many and the resentment will build.	nta. you would be ta though, if you caved to jessica's controlling behavior on this one. i mean, she's right that, generally speaking, your wife should be your priority -- but that kind of assumes your wife isn't behaving in an irrational, controlling manner, which jessica is.	okay so i was with you for the whole thing until the "i wish you were my mom" and the fact you said nothing, let maddison say nothing, and then accuse your wife of jealousy. pretty sure she is not even jealous because of your friendship with her, but because of the kids. how hurtful is it to hear "i wish you were my mom/dad" when adressed to a random person. it was probably heartbreaking for your wife and you just let it slide. would you take it well if both your kids admired another man, to the point where one tell him she wished he was her dad ? it went further than jealousy between adults, your wife is hurt and you said nothing, making it worse. yta	YTA	ESH	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	YTA	0.326734	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i've been married to "jessica" for 13 years and we have two girls, 12 and 5. i have a female friend "madison" who i have known since before i was with jessica. this has never caused much of an issue, because i met madison through her ex husband, who is still one of her best friends, and we usually hang out in a group, so jessica has never felt jealous or threatened. she doesn't like madison though due to clashing personalities. she feels madison and our mutual friend (her ex)'s wife look down on her, but she can't come up with any examples and admits it is just a gut feeling. i don't know what to believe there, because other people have told me they felt that it was jessica who hated the two other women. madison has a glamorous life. she used to work in fashion and married a guy with fuck you money, so my 12 year old has always been in awe of her just due to the clothes and the parties. this annoys jessica, but we never thought much of it. jessica is more the girl next door type and looks down on madison for some of the glamor. my 5 year old has been having some behavioral issues lately, so we are working on that, but everyone is a little tense. madison and her current husband stopped by saturday night after attending some sort of gala fundraiser, because he lent me some something and needed it back. madison was dressed up from the gala. our 5 year old hear the noise and it woke her up. we had been having a tough day with her behavior and my wife was burnt out. she saw madison and said "you look like a princess. you are so pretty and your dresses are so pretty. i wish you were my mom." madison laughed and was like aww thank you, which jessica thought was insensitive. when they left she went off about what a bitch madison was. i thought it would blow over, but she has been pressuring me to distance myself from the friendship. i argued madison didn't even do anything and it was about a dress, not my wife, but jessica says that it doesn't matter what madison did. she is my wife and she is uncomfortable, so that should be my priority. today she brought it up again and i snapped at he that she needs to work on her insecurity. no one did anything wrong, and i am entitled to a life and friendships which don't get to be dictated by her insecurities. obviously that did not go over well.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i've been married to "jessica" for 13 years and we have two girls, 12 and 5. i have a female friend "madison" who i have known since before i was with jessica. this has never caused much of an issue, because i met madison through her ex husband, who is still one of her best friends, and we usually hang out in a group, so jessica has never felt jealous or threatened. she doesn't like madison though due to clashing personalities. she feels madison and our mutual friend (her ex)'s wife look down on her, but she can't come up with any examples and admits it is just a gut feeling. i don't know what to believe there, because other people have told me they felt that it was jessica who hated the two other women. madison has a glamorous life. she used to work in fashion and married a guy with fuck you money, so my 12 year old has always been in awe of her just due to the clothes and the parties. this annoys jessica, but we never thought much of it. jessica is more the girl next door type and looks down on madison for some of the glamor. my 5 year old has been having some behavioral issues lately, so we are working on that, but everyone is a little tense. madison and her current husband stopped by saturday night after attending some sort of gala fundraiser, because he lent me some something and needed it back. madison was dressed up from the gala. our 5 year old hear the noise and it woke her up. we had been having a tough day with her behavior and my wife was burnt out. she saw madison and said "you look like a princess. you are so pretty and your dresses are so pretty. i wish you were my mom." madison laughed and was like aww thank you, which jessica thought was insensitive. when they left she went off about what a bitch madison was. i thought it would blow over, but she has been pressuring me to distance myself from the friendship. i argued madison didn't even do anything and it was about a dress, not my wife, but jessica says that it doesn't matter what madison did. she is my wife and she is uncomfortable, so that should be my priority. today she brought it up again and i snapped at he that she needs to work on her insecurity. no one did anything wrong, and i am entitled to a life and friendships which don't get to be dictated by her insecurities. obviously that did not go over well. [/INST] yta. your child said this: >i wish you were my mom. and you did nothing to correct either your kid or maddison? you did worse than that, you allowed this random woman to encourage the comment and validated with her and your wife. do you even like your wife? cause you certainly don't have her back at all. disgraceful. </s>
AITA for having a boyfriend but getting coffee with some guy because he said he’d pay me 600$?	i was close to getting off work when a costumer came in and started being kinda flirty. i dealt with it by being professional. i mentioned that i was getting off work soon when he asked, and he offered to pay me six hundred dollars to get coffee. i could tell he had money because he was throwing it around the store, and i figured why not? it’s not like anything is going to happen in a busy coffee shop, and the coffee shop he was offering to take me to was right next door. so, i went and listening to him talk for two straight hours. i just nodded along, and he just kept talking, and talking, and ranting about work, and stuff like that. i must have said ten words the entire conversation. at the end, he said we should make an “arrangement” and do this again. i said sure, but i was really not planning on doing this ever again. he gave me six hundred dollars, and then i left. i didn’t tell my boyfriend because he’d have freaked the hell out and told me not to go. probably showed up at my work. i did tell him afterwords, though, and he was (obviously) really upset with me. he’s really mad, but i don’t really get why? i didn’t do anything with this guy. i just had coffee, listened to him talk for an hour, got six hundred dollars, and that was that. if some “sugar momma” was going to pay him six hundred dollars just to have coffee, i wouldn’t have a problem with it. i did nothing i wouldn’t do with a friend. speaking of rich coffee dude, i messaged him after talking to my boyfriend and i told him that i couldn’t do this again. sorry about that. he replied and said it was cool. so, at least he was a nice guy about the whole thing. so, am i the asshole?	4,160	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dbxhru/aita_for_having_a_boyfriend_but_getting_coffee/	2019-10-01 18:30:42	yta - and i definitely get why your boyfriend is upset. you just proved you can be bought.	yta you knew this would upset your boyfriend since you didn't tell him beforehand, so saying you don't get why he's mad is disingenuous. you obviously knew it was crossing some sort of boundary or you wouldn't have kept it from him before going. you went on a date with this guy; that's very clearly what it was and i suspect you are well aware of it given you say he started off by being "super flirty". it's probably upsetting your boyfriend more that you're trying to defend your actions as though you did nothing wrong. apologize to him and use the money to treat him to a nice dinner date. > i did nothing i wouldn’t do with a friend are your friends in the habit of paying you $600 for your time?	yta. i will break with the others and say this. yta not for going. i agree, with you cause i am also a weirdo who sees the cash and is like "fuck it, we can be weird, daddy wants a 80 inch tv." but yta cause > he’s really mad and i don’t get why. you don't get why? seriously? are we going to pretend that we are this divorced for society that we don't get why someone would be mad at doing this? you know why, you just value the money over the absurdity, thats something you too could talk through. gaslighting him that you don't see the problem though is akin to what this creep is trying to do with the 600 payola.	> i did nothing i wouldn’t do with a friend. where can i find friends that pay me $600 to get coffee? there is a word i am forgetting, it describes people who are paid to keep company to really rich men they aren't interested in. that is what you are.	> i didn’t tell my boyfriend because he’d have freaked tf out you knew this would hurt him, yet you did it anyway. yta. > if some sugar momma was going to pay him six hundred dollars just to have coffee, i wouldn’t have a problem with it. irrelevant.	you’re not ta for going out to coffee for $600. yta for doing it knowing your boyfriend wouldn’t like it, telling him after the fact, then acting like it’s no big deal despite the fact you’re being untrustworthy. when you’re in a relationship, your actions affect other people directly. you’re still your own person, but your actions have a lot more weight to them.	nah i would be proud if my girlfriend came in with $600 for talking to a stranger in a coffee shop for 2 hours. just buy him something nice like a new xbox one x or ps4 pro or something and pocket the rest and it'll all be okay.	[deleted]	yta. let me break this down. 1.you let a guy who was flirting with you pay you money 2. he's richer than your bf otherwise you wouldn't have been tempted and weak minded on what was appropriate or not. 3. you knew your bf would get mad but still went anyways without telling him 4. you said he wouldn't have reacted favorably to the situation. you are an asshole and you need to evaluate your priorities in the relationship. from your boyfriend's point of view, you just sold yourself to a guy, a rich guy to give him a coffee date. to him, you overstepped a boundary and showed that he meant nothing to you . you got tempted and then took the bait like a desperate cash grab woman. there is nothing wrong with dating and being an escort but there is something wrong with dating and being an escort behind your boyfriend's back, telling him afterwards, flashing the money(figuratively) and then expecting him not to be upset when that wasn't a previous conversation nor an arrangement with him. and not to mention, you could have gotten hurt. people go missing in public places, people get drugged in public places. anything could have happened. that was stupid and sketchy as all hell and not to mention..again your boyfriend. whom if something happened to you,(hopefully) would have been worried sick. your family. friends. whoever. that was incredibly wrong and selfish. you plan on being an escort, you do it right and keep communication open. you need to sincerely apologize and hope you can move on from this without it causing you problems.	nta - holy shit people. she's not a prostitute because she let someone buy her coffee and listened to him for 2 hours. you're all being fucking ridiculous.	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	NAH	null	YTA	NTA	0.147002	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i was close to getting off work when a costumer came in and started being kinda flirty. i dealt with it by being professional. i mentioned that i was getting off work soon when he asked, and he offered to pay me six hundred dollars to get coffee. i could tell he had money because he was throwing it around the store, and i figured why not? it’s not like anything is going to happen in a busy coffee shop, and the coffee shop he was offering to take me to was right next door. so, i went and listening to him talk for two straight hours. i just nodded along, and he just kept talking, and talking, and ranting about work, and stuff like that. i must have said ten words the entire conversation. at the end, he said we should make an “arrangement” and do this again. i said sure, but i was really not planning on doing this ever again. he gave me six hundred dollars, and then i left. i didn’t tell my boyfriend because he’d have freaked the hell out and told me not to go. probably showed up at my work. i did tell him afterwords, though, and he was (obviously) really upset with me. he’s really mad, but i don’t really get why? i didn’t do anything with this guy. i just had coffee, listened to him talk for an hour, got six hundred dollars, and that was that. if some “sugar momma” was going to pay him six hundred dollars just to have coffee, i wouldn’t have a problem with it. i did nothing i wouldn’t do with a friend. speaking of rich coffee dude, i messaged him after talking to my boyfriend and i told him that i couldn’t do this again. sorry about that. he replied and said it was cool. so, at least he was a nice guy about the whole thing. so, am i the asshole?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i was close to getting off work when a costumer came in and started being kinda flirty. i dealt with it by being professional. i mentioned that i was getting off work soon when he asked, and he offered to pay me six hundred dollars to get coffee. i could tell he had money because he was throwing it around the store, and i figured why not? it’s not like anything is going to happen in a busy coffee shop, and the coffee shop he was offering to take me to was right next door. so, i went and listening to him talk for two straight hours. i just nodded along, and he just kept talking, and talking, and ranting about work, and stuff like that. i must have said ten words the entire conversation. at the end, he said we should make an “arrangement” and do this again. i said sure, but i was really not planning on doing this ever again. he gave me six hundred dollars, and then i left. i didn’t tell my boyfriend because he’d have freaked the hell out and told me not to go. probably showed up at my work. i did tell him afterwords, though, and he was (obviously) really upset with me. he’s really mad, but i don’t really get why? i didn’t do anything with this guy. i just had coffee, listened to him talk for an hour, got six hundred dollars, and that was that. if some “sugar momma” was going to pay him six hundred dollars just to have coffee, i wouldn’t have a problem with it. i did nothing i wouldn’t do with a friend. speaking of rich coffee dude, i messaged him after talking to my boyfriend and i told him that i couldn’t do this again. sorry about that. he replied and said it was cool. so, at least he was a nice guy about the whole thing. so, am i the asshole? [/INST] yta - and i definitely get why your boyfriend is upset. you just proved you can be bought. </s>
AITA for putting pressure on my wife to get surgery	using a throwaway because this is a sensitive topic. my wife and i have always wanted biological children. we were both clear about that when we got married. she got pregnant soon after we married, but we lost the pregnancy. we learned that the reason is that she has an issue with her uterus (not getting specific for anonymity reasons). the issue can likely be remedied with surgery. however, any pregnancy post surgery would automatically be classified as "high risk." my wife refuses to get the surgery. she's scared off by the idea of surgery and "high risk" pregnancy. i have been putting pressure on her to get the surgery for the last year because i think she owes it to us to at least try, since we got married with the understanding that we wanted biological children. she exploded at me yesterday and accused me of thinking of her as an incubator. i certainly don't, but i do feel cheated that she's not putting in her all to follow the plan that we both explicitly wanted at marriage. am i the asshole for pressuring her into following our original plans?	6,932	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bzv1x3/aita_for_putting_pressure_on_my_wife_to_get/	2019-06-12 18:48:55	yta - there are huge risks with surgery, like death. you are pressuring your wife to literally risk her life. then of course there are the high risks - like, again, your wife dying, or your baby dying. she doesn't owe you her life, and she also doesn't owe you a high risk pregnancy that could result in a late-term miscarriage. this is hugely fucked up bro, surely you recognize that? you can adopt, or have a surrogate if it must be biological, but please stop pressuring your wife to do this.	yta. you say: >i do feel cheated that she's not putting in her all to follow the plan that we both explicitly wanted at marriage but unless her having surgery to get pregnant was an explicit part of your plans, you're far outside your original agreement territory and out of line.	yta. seriously. please listen to me. i had a surgery for somewhat similar reasons. it was supposed to be a routine, only moderately-complicated surgery. it went very badly. i ended up with a hysterectomy and 10 further surgeries within the year. the surgeon accidentally 'kinked off' my urethra and i had to be catheterized for most of the next two years. i was completely unable to do anything, including lifting my infant son. it was awful. horrible. lots of pain, problems never fully resolved. these were risks for the surgery involved--and not very uncommon. my point is, this type of surgery has a lot of potential complications and saying she "owes you" to go through this is just unbelievably selfish. there's a lot more to it than you think, and she's right to be concerned. you need to stop pressuring her and let her make her own decisions about her own body. if things go badly, \she's\ the one who will suffer.	yta she doesn't "owe" you surgery. high risk pregnancies and surgeries put her health at risk. you have no right to try to guilt her into getting a procedure.	are you for real? yta, dude. i'm really sorry this happened, but you're complaining that she isn't willing to put her life at risk twice (her life - not your life) because that's what you both decided you wanted before she knew it was a risk.	yta. unintentionally or not, you are treating her like an incubator. it’s up to her to decide if she’s willing to take on the risks that would be needed for her to even try to have biological children. you can make suggestions but if she’s clearly against it, you have to let it go. if you really want biological kids that badly, maybe this isn’t the woman for you.	yta. surgeries are scary, and even if it is successful, then any subsequent pregnancy is going to be high risk, which means your wife could die, the baby could die, and a whole slew of other things. you guys suffered a miscarriage and it's quite understandable if your wife doesn't want to get the surgery in order to spare the possible trauma of more miscarriages. if having a biological child is so important, you could find a surrogate to carry the child. things change and you can't always stick to your original plans. your wife is probably very upset about all of this and might need someone to talk to instead of listening to you pressure her into a surgery.	>because i think she owes it to us to at least try, disgusting. she is a person, not a brood-mare. yta.	yta. she does not "owe" you anything in regards to her body. it is very sad for the both of you of her risk factors, but you are asking her to do something she is uncomfortable doing. she is the one who would have to go under. she is the one who would have to carry the pregnancy and risk her life. you have no risk. what you are pressuring her into is unfair and wrong. if you were worried about her health as the reason for the surgery, that would be different. but she doesn't "owe you" anything.	yta. pregnancy could kill your wife and you are still pressuring her to have surgery. get over having to have a biological child. adoption is a great alternative. my mom and her 2 brothers and sister are adopted and no one in the family cares.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: using a throwaway because this is a sensitive topic. my wife and i have always wanted biological children. we were both clear about that when we got married. she got pregnant soon after we married, but we lost the pregnancy. we learned that the reason is that she has an issue with her uterus (not getting specific for anonymity reasons). the issue can likely be remedied with surgery. however, any pregnancy post surgery would automatically be classified as "high risk." my wife refuses to get the surgery. she's scared off by the idea of surgery and "high risk" pregnancy. i have been putting pressure on her to get the surgery for the last year because i think she owes it to us to at least try, since we got married with the understanding that we wanted biological children. she exploded at me yesterday and accused me of thinking of her as an incubator. i certainly don't, but i do feel cheated that she's not putting in her all to follow the plan that we both explicitly wanted at marriage. am i the asshole for pressuring her into following our original plans?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> using a throwaway because this is a sensitive topic. my wife and i have always wanted biological children. we were both clear about that when we got married. she got pregnant soon after we married, but we lost the pregnancy. we learned that the reason is that she has an issue with her uterus (not getting specific for anonymity reasons). the issue can likely be remedied with surgery. however, any pregnancy post surgery would automatically be classified as "high risk." my wife refuses to get the surgery. she's scared off by the idea of surgery and "high risk" pregnancy. i have been putting pressure on her to get the surgery for the last year because i think she owes it to us to at least try, since we got married with the understanding that we wanted biological children. she exploded at me yesterday and accused me of thinking of her as an incubator. i certainly don't, but i do feel cheated that she's not putting in her all to follow the plan that we both explicitly wanted at marriage. am i the asshole for pressuring her into following our original plans? [/INST] yta - there are huge risks with surgery, like death. you are pressuring your wife to literally risk her life. then of course there are the high risks - like, again, your wife dying, or your baby dying. she doesn't owe you her life, and she also doesn't owe you a high risk pregnancy that could result in a late-term miscarriage. this is hugely fucked up bro, surely you recognize that? you can adopt, or have a surrogate if it must be biological, but please stop pressuring your wife to do this. </s>
AITA for refusing to help my partner financially?	i(43f) have been with my partner(50m) for 6 years now. we have been living together for 5 of them. we are not married and we do not plan to marry in the future. i have a son(19m) that is currently a highschool senior. my partner has a daughter(21f) who is going to college. the background you need to understand the issue: when i met my partner i was a widow of 3 years. i am lucky enough to have a very lucrative business and some family money. also my late husband left a substantial estate, including the house we live in. the house is a family home so it passed to my son as the only heir. my partner also makes good money and the difference in our lifestyles was pretty much negligible. but while i and my late husband made sure to not spoil our son (he was responsible for keeping his room clean even though we have a house keeper, he had chores during the weekends, we taught him how to cook, his allowance is reasonable, he has to save for expensive purchases like a car, a ps5...etc). my current partner and his ex-wife spoil their daughter rotten. due to an incident when we first moved in together (she demanded my son's bedroom since it was the second biggest, got rejected since it was his home and she only spends the weekend), and after some family therapy we agreed that she will be treated like a guest by me. she will have to follow the house rules and that it the extent of our relationship. now while she is spoiled she is a good girl, academically excellent, except for the aforementioned incident very respectful and just a pleasant young woman. the probelm is that i did not know the extent to which my partner spent money on her. he pays some money as "rent" that i put into my son's college fund and we split the common bills in half. everything else is our own responsibility so we don't know much about each other's finances. now my son is planning to do a tour of east asia during the summer and i was happy to give him the money to do so (as a gift for getting into a very prestigious college). when my stepdaughter heard about it she asked her dad to pay for a tour of europe since he didn't send her on one after she got into college. he agreed because he never says no, but he came to me asking me to lend him close to $30k because he can't afford the trip on his own. i am not even giving that much to my son and his plane tickets are more expensive. i refused. i said that since this wasn't an emergency he can save and send her on the trip after she graduates college. now he is not talking to me, saying that i am chosing favourites (i have no relationship with his daughter so i don't know how that even is applicable) and that i am putting money over his happiness and relationship with his daughter. so aita? i can easily afford to lend him the full amount i just don't want to, because his reasons are not convincing enough.	23,285	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/udy594/aita_for_refusing_to_help_my_partner_financially/	2022-04-28 15:51:26	nta. wtf. my first european vacation was when i was 31 years old and cost a total of roughly $2500 including airfare. jesus christ.	nta. congratulations to your son for doing well and getting into a great school! traveling is such a great experience for the soul! however, your partner is super out of touch. good luck.	nta. $30k for a vacation?!!?? that’s a year’s rent at $2500/month. that’s insane. if he’s not talking to you, then count your blessings.	nta. to clear this up- your son wants to go on a trip and you offered to pay as a gift for his hard work. a+ parenting and also being a cool parent. because of this, your partners daughter felt entitled to a trip. which happens to cost twice as much for some reason (i don't really know if its double but whatever) however, your partner cannot afford the trip. so instead of being an adult and telling his daughter. giving her the option of a cheaper trip, she pitch in, or waiting while he saves. your partner thinks it makes more sense to demand 30 grand from you. that about sums it up? i- i can't even fathom what your partner is thinking. does saying no once, seriously mean his daughter will love him less? he sees no issue with having a transactional relationship with his child? was this not the wake up call he needs to see how toxic the relationship he has with his daughter is? please, let me know if i missed anything. because i don't know how your partner could be an even bigger ass but i'm sure he'll suprise us and you at this rate.	in your split financial setup, you aren't 'playing favorites'. you are giving your son a gift. he can give his daughter a similar gift if he chooses, but it'd be on him to pay for it. this makes my head hurt. obviously things would be different if you had shared finances, but you don't. hard nta.	info generally, you pay for your son and he pays for his daughter? i'm inclined to nta. you haven't combined your finances. it's your money, you get to do what you want.	nta what in the world?? how/why would a trip around europe cost that much for a college-aged person?? eurrail pass and stay in hostels!! also your boyfriend should ask his ex-wife about helping to fund this extravagant trip that he clearly can't afford before asking you. or he should just say no and get a spine.	nta your his partner not a bank atm. he needs to live within his means and if he wants to spoil his daughter he can do it on his own dime. $30k for a trip to europe for a 21 year old is ridiculous.	nta. you have separate finances and your kids are separate. this is not your problem. also, the fact he needs a loan is a red flag concerning whether he is preparing for retirement or planning for you to pay for it. this is a good limit to set as it makes clear that he truly is responsible for his own finances.	nta, you response was very reasonable. if he wants to spend big bucks on his daughter then he can save to do so.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	INFO	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0.003	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i(43f) have been with my partner(50m) for 6 years now. we have been living together for 5 of them. we are not married and we do not plan to marry in the future. i have a son(19m) that is currently a highschool senior. my partner has a daughter(21f) who is going to college. the background you need to understand the issue: when i met my partner i was a widow of 3 years. i am lucky enough to have a very lucrative business and some family money. also my late husband left a substantial estate, including the house we live in. the house is a family home so it passed to my son as the only heir. my partner also makes good money and the difference in our lifestyles was pretty much negligible. but while i and my late husband made sure to not spoil our son (he was responsible for keeping his room clean even though we have a house keeper, he had chores during the weekends, we taught him how to cook, his allowance is reasonable, he has to save for expensive purchases like a car, a ps5...etc). my current partner and his ex-wife spoil their daughter rotten. due to an incident when we first moved in together (she demanded my son's bedroom since it was the second biggest, got rejected since it was his home and she only spends the weekend), and after some family therapy we agreed that she will be treated like a guest by me. she will have to follow the house rules and that it the extent of our relationship. now while she is spoiled she is a good girl, academically excellent, except for the aforementioned incident very respectful and just a pleasant young woman. the probelm is that i did not know the extent to which my partner spent money on her. he pays some money as "rent" that i put into my son's college fund and we split the common bills in half. everything else is our own responsibility so we don't know much about each other's finances. now my son is planning to do a tour of east asia during the summer and i was happy to give him the money to do so (as a gift for getting into a very prestigious college). when my stepdaughter heard about it she asked her dad to pay for a tour of europe since he didn't send her on one after she got into college. he agreed because he never says no, but he came to me asking me to lend him close to $30k because he can't afford the trip on his own. i am not even giving that much to my son and his plane tickets are more expensive. i refused. i said that since this wasn't an emergency he can save and send her on the trip after she graduates college. now he is not talking to me, saying that i am chosing favourites (i have no relationship with his daughter so i don't know how that even is applicable) and that i am putting money over his happiness and relationship with his daughter. so aita? i can easily afford to lend him the full amount i just don't want to, because his reasons are not convincing enough.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i(43f) have been with my partner(50m) for 6 years now. we have been living together for 5 of them. we are not married and we do not plan to marry in the future. i have a son(19m) that is currently a highschool senior. my partner has a daughter(21f) who is going to college. the background you need to understand the issue: when i met my partner i was a widow of 3 years. i am lucky enough to have a very lucrative business and some family money. also my late husband left a substantial estate, including the house we live in. the house is a family home so it passed to my son as the only heir. my partner also makes good money and the difference in our lifestyles was pretty much negligible. but while i and my late husband made sure to not spoil our son (he was responsible for keeping his room clean even though we have a house keeper, he had chores during the weekends, we taught him how to cook, his allowance is reasonable, he has to save for expensive purchases like a car, a ps5...etc). my current partner and his ex-wife spoil their daughter rotten. due to an incident when we first moved in together (she demanded my son's bedroom since it was the second biggest, got rejected since it was his home and she only spends the weekend), and after some family therapy we agreed that she will be treated like a guest by me. she will have to follow the house rules and that it the extent of our relationship. now while she is spoiled she is a good girl, academically excellent, except for the aforementioned incident very respectful and just a pleasant young woman. the probelm is that i did not know the extent to which my partner spent money on her. he pays some money as "rent" that i put into my son's college fund and we split the common bills in half. everything else is our own responsibility so we don't know much about each other's finances. now my son is planning to do a tour of east asia during the summer and i was happy to give him the money to do so (as a gift for getting into a very prestigious college). when my stepdaughter heard about it she asked her dad to pay for a tour of europe since he didn't send her on one after she got into college. he agreed because he never says no, but he came to me asking me to lend him close to $30k because he can't afford the trip on his own. i am not even giving that much to my son and his plane tickets are more expensive. i refused. i said that since this wasn't an emergency he can save and send her on the trip after she graduates college. now he is not talking to me, saying that i am chosing favourites (i have no relationship with his daughter so i don't know how that even is applicable) and that i am putting money over his happiness and relationship with his daughter. so aita? i can easily afford to lend him the full amount i just don't want to, because his reasons are not convincing enough. [/INST] nta. wtf. my first european vacation was when i was 31 years old and cost a total of roughly $2500 including airfare. jesus christ. </s>
AITA for naming my daughter the name I chose years ago?	i had my daughter a week ago. i had chosen her name a long while ago because it had a very personal meaning for me. before i was pregnant my sister and i had been talking about what we'd like to name our kids and i told her the girl name i really wanted to use. she complimented me on it and then we didn't talk about it again. she gave birth to my niece five months ago and guess what name she used? that's right. the name i had chosen so long ago. i didn't care. was a little annoyed by it but i wasn't going to let it stop me from using the name. now she's annoyed i used the name too. she told me it was weird that i would use it and that the cousins have the same first, middle and last name. i told her i wasn't going to change the name i had wanted for a long time, that had a deep meaning for me, just because she decided to use it after i told her the name. she said as the first one to have a baby she got dibs. i told her to get over it and it was a name anyone could use. aita? i don't think she's an asshole fyi. i think she's entitled to use the name. but she's kinda being assholeish when she knows how i felt about the name. editing to add details i provided below so i it doesn't keep getting asked. my husband took my name when we got married and my sister is a single mom, hence the same name. we live 2 hours from each other. the first name was my best friends name. she died when we were 14 and i always planned to name a daughter after her to honor her. so it is very special. the middle name holds important significance due to a trauma i suffered and the healing it brought in a situation (it's a weird story i will admit and i shared more detail in reply to someone but i'm not in the mental state to write it out again). the discussion was 3ish years ago. it was the full name i mentioned. she is spelling the middle name slightly different.	22,200	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/i8jqkz/aita_for_naming_my_daughter_the_name_i_chose/	2020-08-12 18:56:47	nta. she's ta on this. in fact she's a double ta, once for using the name you told her, twice for giving you s\\t and saying she named first so she had dibs. "i don't think she's an asshole fyi" - i think you're too close to the situation to judge objectively. maybe if you had 100 sisters, you'd realize that this one is defective. i mean this is only one issue, but anyone who could think like that has problems; i guarantee she'd rank in the bottom 10 of those 100 sisters.	nta! just because she used it first does not mean you’re expected to change the plans that she literally knew about. it’s your choice	using the same first name is not a problem for me. in large families, there is bound to be multiple relatives with similar or the same names. but, having said that, your kid will have the exact same name and last name as her cousin, do you not worry she may face some kind of legal repercussion or confusion because of this? it might get confusing if they go to the same school, apply for similar positions. anyway, you would have to check the legislation on your area, but this seems a little ah to your daughter and her cousin (not to your sister). i mean, it might make their lives harder. (i have even heard of people being wrongfully imprisioned because they had a similar name or the same name as a wanted person)	nta. you chose it first and she knew that. if she didn’t want it to be weird and she knew that’s the name you would go with, she shouldn’t have used it.	slightly controversial opinion but, esh - she's obviously an asshole for using the name you had told her you really liked and that had personal meaning to you. she knew you wanted to use it and she used it for her child regardless. however, you're forgetting that you're giving that name to a real person. it might not cause problems for the cousins to share the same name however you don't seem to be considering the possibility that your child may dislike having the same name as their cousin or how your sister may act towards your child if she holds this resentment long-term (although it's her problem to hold the resentment, you have a responsibility to ensure your child is not unfairly treated).	nta you: "i really like this name, i plan on using it for my baby" your sister: "oh i like it hurrr durr, if i use the name first then she can't" pikachu face when you use it anyway your sister is ta for thinking she could steal the name, and you would just abandon it. then she has the nerve to get offended about it? that's called shooting yourself in the foot	esh - your sister for scooping the name you obviously wanted. even if she thought you had forgotten about it, or that you may have changed your mind, or that it was possible you never would have a daughter to give it to, its a low class move to use it without wvwn talking to you. and op - you are not being an ah to your sister, but to your kid. you are saddling her with a name that will be a constant reminder of the fued between you and your sister. a name that is certain to cause confusion on legal documents and background checks and credit reports. i have the same first and last name as my mom andy grandmother and we share a family doctor. i have gotten calls about their appointments because the doctor failed to check the birthdates. imagine the trouble she'd have having the exact same (first, last, and middle!) name as her close in age cousin. imagine being at family gatherings and calling your child and having them both come running. or both ignore you, claiming they thought you were calling the other one. i guarantee you, your daughter is going to hate having the same name as her cousin. please think of your child more and less about your irritation with your sister. there are many beautiful names to chose from, ones that will allow your daughter to have her own identity and will not be used as a way to show up her aunt.	nta. she knew that you wanted the name and used it anyway. then she got mad at you for using the name that you thought of first. she needs to get over it.	this right here is the reason to never share the name until it's on the birth certificate.	nta. seriously, dibs? she needs to grow up. yeah, she was being an asshole naming her daughter the name she knew you wanted to give to yours, then actually getting annoyed because you did what you told her you would. not really such a big deal about cousins having same names either. it's pretty common where i'm from and i've never heard people taking an issue with such trivial things.	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	ESH	NTA	ESH	NTA	null	NTA	0.091339	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i had my daughter a week ago. i had chosen her name a long while ago because it had a very personal meaning for me. before i was pregnant my sister and i had been talking about what we'd like to name our kids and i told her the girl name i really wanted to use. she complimented me on it and then we didn't talk about it again. she gave birth to my niece five months ago and guess what name she used? that's right. the name i had chosen so long ago. i didn't care. was a little annoyed by it but i wasn't going to let it stop me from using the name. now she's annoyed i used the name too. she told me it was weird that i would use it and that the cousins have the same first, middle and last name. i told her i wasn't going to change the name i had wanted for a long time, that had a deep meaning for me, just because she decided to use it after i told her the name. she said as the first one to have a baby she got dibs. i told her to get over it and it was a name anyone could use. aita? i don't think she's an asshole fyi. i think she's entitled to use the name. but she's kinda being assholeish when she knows how i felt about the name. editing to add details i provided below so i it doesn't keep getting asked. my husband took my name when we got married and my sister is a single mom, hence the same name. we live 2 hours from each other. the first name was my best friends name. she died when we were 14 and i always planned to name a daughter after her to honor her. so it is very special. the middle name holds important significance due to a trauma i suffered and the healing it brought in a situation (it's a weird story i will admit and i shared more detail in reply to someone but i'm not in the mental state to write it out again). the discussion was 3ish years ago. it was the full name i mentioned. she is spelling the middle name slightly different.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i had my daughter a week ago. i had chosen her name a long while ago because it had a very personal meaning for me. before i was pregnant my sister and i had been talking about what we'd like to name our kids and i told her the girl name i really wanted to use. she complimented me on it and then we didn't talk about it again. she gave birth to my niece five months ago and guess what name she used? that's right. the name i had chosen so long ago. i didn't care. was a little annoyed by it but i wasn't going to let it stop me from using the name. now she's annoyed i used the name too. she told me it was weird that i would use it and that the cousins have the same first, middle and last name. i told her i wasn't going to change the name i had wanted for a long time, that had a deep meaning for me, just because she decided to use it after i told her the name. she said as the first one to have a baby she got dibs. i told her to get over it and it was a name anyone could use. aita? i don't think she's an asshole fyi. i think she's entitled to use the name. but she's kinda being assholeish when she knows how i felt about the name. editing to add details i provided below so i it doesn't keep getting asked. my husband took my name when we got married and my sister is a single mom, hence the same name. we live 2 hours from each other. the first name was my best friends name. she died when we were 14 and i always planned to name a daughter after her to honor her. so it is very special. the middle name holds important significance due to a trauma i suffered and the healing it brought in a situation (it's a weird story i will admit and i shared more detail in reply to someone but i'm not in the mental state to write it out again). the discussion was 3ish years ago. it was the full name i mentioned. she is spelling the middle name slightly different. [/INST] nta. she's ta on this. in fact she's a double ta, once for using the name you told her, twice for giving you s\\t and saying she named first so she had dibs. "i don't think she's an asshole fyi" - i think you're too close to the situation to judge objectively. maybe if you had 100 sisters, you'd realize that this one is defective. i mean this is only one issue, but anyone who could think like that has problems; i guarantee she'd rank in the bottom 10 of those 100 sisters. </s>
AITA For not doing the activity my husband picked on vacation even though he did the one I wanted	my husband and i recently went on a long-overdue vacation to a tropical island. we stayed at an all-inclusive resort but we also wanted to get out and actually explore the island as well. so we decided that each of us could pick an activity to do that would get us off the resort for a day. i picked a hike that would bring us up into the mountainous interior of the island and through some rainforests. my husband is not a big hiker, but he agreed to do it with me. my husband narrowed his choices down to two options, a catamaran trip to go snorkeling and dune buggy riding. i get horrible motion sickness. we had some mild turbulence on our flight to the island and even with the dramamine i took before we took off, i still got nauseous and lightheaded. i told my husband that both of the ideas he picked are things that i know for a fact would make me motion sick. he told me that it probably wouldn't be that bad but i told him that i know my body and i know without a doubt that both of those activities would make me sick. i asked him if there were any other activities that he was interested in, but he said those 2 were the only ones that piqued his interest. he eventually agreed to go on the hike trip first and then we can figure out the activity that he wants to do. while on our hike we started talking with another couple that was also staying at our resort. they had been there a couple of times before and my husband asked if they had done either of the activities that he wanted to do. they had done both and said that both were a lot of fun. but the wife did say that the catamaran trip was pretty rough at times and a couple of people on their trip got seasick. she also said that the dune buggy was fun because you get to drive it yourself, but it's mostly on dirt tracks that can get pretty bumpy. from the way she described it, i knew that if i did either of those things, i would get sick. when we got back from the hike, i told my husband that i don't want to do either of the activities he wants to do and asked again if he can please pick something else for us to do. he said those were the only 2 things he liked, and if i don't want to do them, we won't because he doesn't want to go alone. i knew he was upset because he was really excited talking about both the things he wanted to do and after i told him i wouldn't do them, his demeanor definitely changed. i wouldn't say he was sulking, but he was definitely less animated and not his usual fun self. he pretty much spent the rest of our trip just sitting around the pool doing nothing. i tried to get him to do things with me, like get a massage, but he told me to go do that myself. when he didn't change his attitude i finally asked him what was up and he told me that he went outside of his comfort zone to go on a hike with me, but i wouldn't do the same for him. i told him that hiking doesn't make him sick so that's a big difference but he told me i could have at least tried one of them.	8,494	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zxmiba/aita_for_not_doing_the_activity_my_husband_picked/	2022-12-28 22:05:09	yta. you could have tried the dune buggy with him and stopped if it was a problem (at which time he might have been happy continuing on his own) or driven your own behind him and gone slower. you didn’t even try.	going with esh. i 100% understand you not wanting to risk motion sickness on your vacation, and i think your husband is an ah for expecting you to "just try it" when you're getting nauseated on airplane rides.	yta. what is the point of making a deal when you refuse his first 2 picks? you can take damamine and ginger, etc that helps with motion sickness.	i can get why you wouldn't go on a catamaran, but a buggy ride where you are completely in control of the movement of the vehicle? you have a great husband for putting up with you, i'll tell you that.	nta. i think a lot of the y t a votes are from people who don't suffer from motion sickness. i get it playing some games, and i feel miserable for hours. and both activities sound like once you start, you can't just stop. i think your husband was an asshole for not just doing one activity by himself and then selecting something both of you can do.	these y t a votes are absolutely wild. the lack of basic empathy and complete ignorance of how debilitating motion sickness can be is so disappointing to read. i mean how selfish do you have to be to prioritize a vacation activity over the well being of someone you are supposed to love? is op married to homer simpson or something? the people minimizing motion sickness as being no big deal and easily addressed with dramamine have no idea what they are talking about (and how the hell is op supposed to "just try" a freaking catamaran boat? is she supposed to jump off and swim back when she gets sick?) i'm sorry that your husband and these reddit commenters don't seem to care about your suffering. the reddit community is often disappointing but your husband should love you better than that. he's a grown-ass adult who can go on a buggy ride by himself ffs. nta	i feel like there’s a loooottt of people on this post who don’t get motion sick! i did a side by side rental with my husband once where we went on very bumpy roads and i have never been more sick. once i started, we had to pull over every 30 mins to puke, no matter how slow we were going. once you get motion sick, it doesn’t just go away once you stop the activity. i was sick for the next day and a half! “going out of your comfort zone” is not the same freaking thing as doing something that will likely make you vomit for 48 hours! nta.	nta. frankly i think your husband is kind of an asshole for being unwilling to budge on choosing activities that he knows will most likely make you physically ill.	nah but you really should have planned this trip better before you left. you each proposed activities the other didn’t much want to do. he “eventually” agreed on the hike (you don’t say how much he really objected) and you flatly refused his ideas because of motion sickness. apparently there was nothing you both wanted to do. so then he lost enthusiasm for the rest of the trip. not everybody likes massages (i don’t) so i don’t fault him for declining that. i don’t want to call either of you an ah for having different visions for your vacation. next time you’ll know to plan farther ahead.	as someone who also feels nauseated very easily (i puked during flight turbulence when no one else on the plane did) i understand your position. i would have made the choice not to go as well, and you did ask him to pick alternatives. him going on a hike he wasn't excited about isn't comparable to your getting seasick in order to make him happy. (i would not be happy if my partner was seasick, even if i felt great.) it is perhaps telling he spent several days	YTA	ESH	YTA	null	NTA	YTA	NTA	NTA	NAH	null	0.901388	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my husband and i recently went on a long-overdue vacation to a tropical island. we stayed at an all-inclusive resort but we also wanted to get out and actually explore the island as well. so we decided that each of us could pick an activity to do that would get us off the resort for a day. i picked a hike that would bring us up into the mountainous interior of the island and through some rainforests. my husband is not a big hiker, but he agreed to do it with me. my husband narrowed his choices down to two options, a catamaran trip to go snorkeling and dune buggy riding. i get horrible motion sickness. we had some mild turbulence on our flight to the island and even with the dramamine i took before we took off, i still got nauseous and lightheaded. i told my husband that both of the ideas he picked are things that i know for a fact would make me motion sick. he told me that it probably wouldn't be that bad but i told him that i know my body and i know without a doubt that both of those activities would make me sick. i asked him if there were any other activities that he was interested in, but he said those 2 were the only ones that piqued his interest. he eventually agreed to go on the hike trip first and then we can figure out the activity that he wants to do. while on our hike we started talking with another couple that was also staying at our resort. they had been there a couple of times before and my husband asked if they had done either of the activities that he wanted to do. they had done both and said that both were a lot of fun. but the wife did say that the catamaran trip was pretty rough at times and a couple of people on their trip got seasick. she also said that the dune buggy was fun because you get to drive it yourself, but it's mostly on dirt tracks that can get pretty bumpy. from the way she described it, i knew that if i did either of those things, i would get sick. when we got back from the hike, i told my husband that i don't want to do either of the activities he wants to do and asked again if he can please pick something else for us to do. he said those were the only 2 things he liked, and if i don't want to do them, we won't because he doesn't want to go alone. i knew he was upset because he was really excited talking about both the things he wanted to do and after i told him i wouldn't do them, his demeanor definitely changed. i wouldn't say he was sulking, but he was definitely less animated and not his usual fun self. he pretty much spent the rest of our trip just sitting around the pool doing nothing. i tried to get him to do things with me, like get a massage, but he told me to go do that myself. when he didn't change his attitude i finally asked him what was up and he told me that he went outside of his comfort zone to go on a hike with me, but i wouldn't do the same for him. i told him that hiking doesn't make him sick so that's a big difference but he told me i could have at least tried one of them.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my husband and i recently went on a long-overdue vacation to a tropical island. we stayed at an all-inclusive resort but we also wanted to get out and actually explore the island as well. so we decided that each of us could pick an activity to do that would get us off the resort for a day. i picked a hike that would bring us up into the mountainous interior of the island and through some rainforests. my husband is not a big hiker, but he agreed to do it with me. my husband narrowed his choices down to two options, a catamaran trip to go snorkeling and dune buggy riding. i get horrible motion sickness. we had some mild turbulence on our flight to the island and even with the dramamine i took before we took off, i still got nauseous and lightheaded. i told my husband that both of the ideas he picked are things that i know for a fact would make me motion sick. he told me that it probably wouldn't be that bad but i told him that i know my body and i know without a doubt that both of those activities would make me sick. i asked him if there were any other activities that he was interested in, but he said those 2 were the only ones that piqued his interest. he eventually agreed to go on the hike trip first and then we can figure out the activity that he wants to do. while on our hike we started talking with another couple that was also staying at our resort. they had been there a couple of times before and my husband asked if they had done either of the activities that he wanted to do. they had done both and said that both were a lot of fun. but the wife did say that the catamaran trip was pretty rough at times and a couple of people on their trip got seasick. she also said that the dune buggy was fun because you get to drive it yourself, but it's mostly on dirt tracks that can get pretty bumpy. from the way she described it, i knew that if i did either of those things, i would get sick. when we got back from the hike, i told my husband that i don't want to do either of the activities he wants to do and asked again if he can please pick something else for us to do. he said those were the only 2 things he liked, and if i don't want to do them, we won't because he doesn't want to go alone. i knew he was upset because he was really excited talking about both the things he wanted to do and after i told him i wouldn't do them, his demeanor definitely changed. i wouldn't say he was sulking, but he was definitely less animated and not his usual fun self. he pretty much spent the rest of our trip just sitting around the pool doing nothing. i tried to get him to do things with me, like get a massage, but he told me to go do that myself. when he didn't change his attitude i finally asked him what was up and he told me that he went outside of his comfort zone to go on a hike with me, but i wouldn't do the same for him. i told him that hiking doesn't make him sick so that's a big difference but he told me i could have at least tried one of them. [/INST] yta. you could have tried the dune buggy with him and stopped if it was a problem (at which time he might have been happy continuing on his own) or driven your own behind him and gone slower. you didn’t even try. </s>
AITA for telling my girlfriend that when we have kids they will have my surname and not be double barrelled?	backstory: i’ll try and make this as non-biased as possible. this conversation came up very early in our relationship. i told her from the start that i want my children to have my surname and i didn’t want any hyphenation. it was a short lived talk but it seemed like she understood. we have rarely ever had arguments in our relationship (could count them on 1 hand!) and we are solid ‘life partners’. this conversation came up again last night which became a little heated. she didn’t realise how strongly i felt about this and i didn’t realise the same with her. she doesn’t want her family name to die (from her step father) as all his children are women and have not given the name to their children or kept it themselves. ever since i wanted children i have always wanted them to take my surname, i’ve never seen it any other way. i understand this is selfish but i had made it clear from the get-go this was what i wanted. in the end she ‘gave in’ and said i can take it but did say various comments about me being stubborn and never compromising. in my head this is one of the very few things that i am dead set on…. but now it’s got me questioning if i am just a stubborn piece of shit usually, i don’t feel it is though. am i the asshole? do i need to compromise? i think if i did double barrel the surname i would start to despise the name/children and it wouldn’t be healthy for any of the relationships. i know this seems rather silly but it means a lot to me.	3,781	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/b82y1l/aita_for_telling_my_girlfriend_that_when_we_have/	2019-04-01 14:16:35	yta > i think if i did double barrel the surname i would start to despise the name/children and it wouldn’t be healthy for any of the relationships. this makes you the asshole. wtf is wrong with you? you'd resent children for a name they had no say in, just because it wasn't only yours. they (when they exist) are people. not your personal property with your name tattooed on their butts. wtf. seriously.	yta because you don’t “tell” a partner “this is how it’s going to be and that’s it” regarding a major life decision. you discuss it and compromise. you both feel strongly about this. you have your views, she has hers. she’s not a pet or an object you own, you don’t get to dictate to her.	yta. if your children having a hyphenated surname would cause you to despise them, you have some serious issues you need to work out.	yta. you expect your girlfriend to agree with you when this is as important to her as it is to you. double names won't hurt the child and both of you can give their name to the next generation. if you really think you would despise your children because of a fucking name you shouldn't have kids in the first place though.	yta if you can't come up with a reason other than "i've never seen it any other way" and "i would start to despise the children". your girlfriend has valid reasons. what are your valid reasons? these are nonsense reasons.	yta how can you simultaneously say that it's silly but also that you'd hate/despise your children if you don't get your way? that immediately makes it not silly. also her reason for wanting her kids to have her last name seems way more pressing than yours, also she's not the one claiming their full surname. so ofcourse yta on this, she made a reasonable request which in itself is a compromise (one of the most famous ones actually) and you completely shut it down because you need to happen what you want to happen a 100% instead of 50%. why is your opinion worth more than hers here?	yta jesus fucking christ yta. why hasnt she left you yet?	yta. > ever since i wanted children i have always wanted them to take my surname, i’ve never seen it any other way. her too, but apparently, you think your wishes are more important than hers. or any kind of compromise, or share, in which hey, the kids could have both names. you're definitely the asshole. > i think if i did double barrel the surname i would start to despise the name/children and it wouldn’t be healthy for any of the relationships. also, apparently, you are incredibly shallow and would be a terrible father. you shouldn't have children if anything small or large (and this? is small) could make you "despise" them. seriously. don't. your girlfriend should dump you and find a new "life partner" who respects her wishes, is capable of compromise, and wouldn't despise his own children.	yta. which statement sounds more like something an asshole would say? a) our children will have my surname and my surname only, and if they don't i will despise them. b) it's important to me that our children will have your surname and my surname, and if they don't my father's name will be lost forever. do you see it?	yta. your post reaks of "i'm the man, do as i say" bullshit.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: backstory: i’ll try and make this as non-biased as possible. this conversation came up very early in our relationship. i told her from the start that i want my children to have my surname and i didn’t want any hyphenation. it was a short lived talk but it seemed like she understood. we have rarely ever had arguments in our relationship (could count them on 1 hand!) and we are solid ‘life partners’. this conversation came up again last night which became a little heated. she didn’t realise how strongly i felt about this and i didn’t realise the same with her. she doesn’t want her family name to die (from her step father) as all his children are women and have not given the name to their children or kept it themselves. ever since i wanted children i have always wanted them to take my surname, i’ve never seen it any other way. i understand this is selfish but i had made it clear from the get-go this was what i wanted. in the end she ‘gave in’ and said i can take it but did say various comments about me being stubborn and never compromising. in my head this is one of the very few things that i am dead set on…. but now it’s got me questioning if i am just a stubborn piece of shit usually, i don’t feel it is though. am i the asshole? do i need to compromise? i think if i did double barrel the surname i would start to despise the name/children and it wouldn’t be healthy for any of the relationships. i know this seems rather silly but it means a lot to me.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> backstory: i’ll try and make this as non-biased as possible. this conversation came up very early in our relationship. i told her from the start that i want my children to have my surname and i didn’t want any hyphenation. it was a short lived talk but it seemed like she understood. we have rarely ever had arguments in our relationship (could count them on 1 hand!) and we are solid ‘life partners’. this conversation came up again last night which became a little heated. she didn’t realise how strongly i felt about this and i didn’t realise the same with her. she doesn’t want her family name to die (from her step father) as all his children are women and have not given the name to their children or kept it themselves. ever since i wanted children i have always wanted them to take my surname, i’ve never seen it any other way. i understand this is selfish but i had made it clear from the get-go this was what i wanted. in the end she ‘gave in’ and said i can take it but did say various comments about me being stubborn and never compromising. in my head this is one of the very few things that i am dead set on…. but now it’s got me questioning if i am just a stubborn piece of shit usually, i don’t feel it is though. am i the asshole? do i need to compromise? i think if i did double barrel the surname i would start to despise the name/children and it wouldn’t be healthy for any of the relationships. i know this seems rather silly but it means a lot to me. [/INST] yta > i think if i did double barrel the surname i would start to despise the name/children and it wouldn’t be healthy for any of the relationships. this makes you the asshole. wtf is wrong with you? you'd resent children for a name they had no say in, just because it wasn't only yours. they (when they exist) are people. not your personal property with your name tattooed on their butts. wtf. seriously. </s>
AITA for breaking my promise to my stepkids, and "abandoning and traumatizing" them because I did not want to parent them anymore?	i met "will" when i was 22. will was 29, with 2 kids, and had newly been widowed. we had whirlwind courtship where he introduced me to the kids and got me involved in their lives very early (first few days after i met him.) will said really quickly he was sure i was "the one," not only for himself but also for his kids. that we'd have an incredible, happy family life. we got married when i was 23, will was 30, and his kids were 8 and 6. our wedding ceremony also included me and the kids making promises to each other, which was will's idea. soon will shoved all the childcare onto me. i wasn't a stay at home spouse, i worked full time and always have. but he always had "reasons" for me to do the childcare - him being sore from doing a physical job, me being "better" at it since i babysat kids this age in the past and he never had. or "girl stuff" for his daughter. or cooking or anything. he always had some reason and it ended up always on me. he started playing video games and "relaxing" from getting home until bed, because he was "tired" and he was "bringing in the money and keeping the roof over everyone's heads," though that wasn't really true. he said he deserved to relax. then he went out with his friends or brought them back to drink beer and watch loud tv. he developed a major attitude with me, and encouraged same in the kids. they found it funny. he started openly disrespecting me and encouraged them to also. he was the ultimate "fun dad" and i got put in the role of the mean witch. sometimes they all ganged up on me and mocked me. but also all expected me to serve them and constantly be jumping up to care for them. by the end of the first year i realized the marriage was a big mistake, but felt guilty leaving because of my promises to the kids. another year went by and i realized that no matter how i tried, and how i knew they were only kids and i didn't really blame them, i genuinely hated both of the kids. and i could not lie to myself any more and pretend that i loved them. i did not, and i never would. one day i just walked out, packed up everything of mine and moved out while nobody was at home. i left a note explaining it wasn't working and saying goodbye. that was the end. cue shitstorm from my ex and a bitter divorce, but we both walked away with what we went into the marriage with (not much for either of us). i had never legally adopted the kids so i had no rights or responsibilies about them and i never reached out to any of them again. honestly i was overjoyed to be rid of all of them. 15 years have gone by and that seems like a lifetime ago, or another person's life, but i'm still in my 30's. i was recently shocked to get a message from tamara, will's daughter, now 25. tamara said i betrayed and traumatized her for life for "abandoning them" after my promises to them. she said i had a "responsibility to never leave no matter what." i know she remembers the horrible way she treated me though.	25,301	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p69l4d/aita_for_breaking_my_promise_to_my_stepkids_and/	2021-08-17 18:40:37	nta. there is never a responsibility to never leave, that is ridiculous. sure, a 10-year-old may reasonably think so, but a 25-year-old should know better.	nta. your husband didn’t want a wife - he chose a younger woman and whisked her off her feet to be his live in maid, nanny and cook. he knew what he was doing when he asked you to make that promise to the kids, emotionally manipulating you into staying even though he treated you like crap. it’s sad that the children lost their mother, but their father encouraging them to treat you like the evil stepmom was cruel to both you and them. clearly the behaviour he showed continued after left, and he kept telling tamara and her brother how awful you were. you got yourself out of there: well done for being strong and wise enough to do so. many people don’t have the strength to do that.	message her back and explain it was a toxic marriage, that their dad set you up to be the family punching bag and nanny. that he wasn’t looking for love or a partner but a door mat and he encouraged you kids to do the same. tell her their hangups are their own and then say that you are done with that chapter of your life and will never again allow their father to drag your life down. nta those kids have been fed lies and delusions about what that marriage was like	nta - - good for you for leaving. - good for you for not attempting to talk to him in advance - good for you for not getting sucked in by more lies - good for you for not letting yourself get strung along any longer sorry the kids didn’t have anyone other than this dude, but blaming that on you is going way too far and i hope you just ignore that message and any others she sends.	this girl has spent well over a decade being told how you abandoned them and that all their problems are her fault...not their fathers. everything was your fault. all the bad women their father brought home after you is your fault cus you left. i guarantee their father has been driving this home for years and years. so you can't really blame her for feeling the way she feels she's been brainwashed her entire life. and no amount of logic or maturity is going to convince her otherwise best to just ignore her and let her go on believing what she believes because nothing is ever going to change her mind one way or the other nta	nta and i would recommend you messaging her back and reminding her of herself and her family treatment of you.	nta i’ve seen this before, a lot of men aren’t looking for love but someone to cook, clean and watch the kids while they play cod and drink beer. it’s not fair to the kids, but it’s not your responsibility to be a live in sex maid / babysitter either.	nta sounds like your ex has a major gaslighting problem.	nta the dad blamed his shitty parenting on his job and had you do everything. with you leaving, it just further showed how incompetent will was. but instead of ever taking responsibility, will blamed it on you and now tamara blamed you too. it was never your fault, will tool advantage of you and is gaslighting his own children. i'm glad you left, block tamara and keep doing what you got to do with your life	it was a bad situation all around. he was too rushed in marrying after his wife died (obviously wanted a mom formhismkids and a maid for himself). you were too young and inexperienced to realize what the rush was all about because it felt like true love to a young lady. tamara was traumatized. she was a young child who,lost her mom and then her step mom just walked out. she could not have understood what was going on and why you had to leave it was just abandonment. now, in our world of self care amd mental health discussions, tamara is dealing with her issues and the childhood experiences that shaped her. she needs to do this. she has said her peace. move on now. no judgement as for who is or is not an a,,,h,,,because this is too complicated to be reduced to that.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i met "will" when i was 22. will was 29, with 2 kids, and had newly been widowed. we had whirlwind courtship where he introduced me to the kids and got me involved in their lives very early (first few days after i met him.) will said really quickly he was sure i was "the one," not only for himself but also for his kids. that we'd have an incredible, happy family life. we got married when i was 23, will was 30, and his kids were 8 and 6. our wedding ceremony also included me and the kids making promises to each other, which was will's idea. soon will shoved all the childcare onto me. i wasn't a stay at home spouse, i worked full time and always have. but he always had "reasons" for me to do the childcare - him being sore from doing a physical job, me being "better" at it since i babysat kids this age in the past and he never had. or "girl stuff" for his daughter. or cooking or anything. he always had some reason and it ended up always on me. he started playing video games and "relaxing" from getting home until bed, because he was "tired" and he was "bringing in the money and keeping the roof over everyone's heads," though that wasn't really true. he said he deserved to relax. then he went out with his friends or brought them back to drink beer and watch loud tv. he developed a major attitude with me, and encouraged same in the kids. they found it funny. he started openly disrespecting me and encouraged them to also. he was the ultimate "fun dad" and i got put in the role of the mean witch. sometimes they all ganged up on me and mocked me. but also all expected me to serve them and constantly be jumping up to care for them. by the end of the first year i realized the marriage was a big mistake, but felt guilty leaving because of my promises to the kids. another year went by and i realized that no matter how i tried, and how i knew they were only kids and i didn't really blame them, i genuinely hated both of the kids. and i could not lie to myself any more and pretend that i loved them. i did not, and i never would. one day i just walked out, packed up everything of mine and moved out while nobody was at home. i left a note explaining it wasn't working and saying goodbye. that was the end. cue shitstorm from my ex and a bitter divorce, but we both walked away with what we went into the marriage with (not much for either of us). i had never legally adopted the kids so i had no rights or responsibilies about them and i never reached out to any of them again. honestly i was overjoyed to be rid of all of them. 15 years have gone by and that seems like a lifetime ago, or another person's life, but i'm still in my 30's. i was recently shocked to get a message from tamara, will's daughter, now 25. tamara said i betrayed and traumatized her for life for "abandoning them" after my promises to them. she said i had a "responsibility to never leave no matter what." i know she remembers the horrible way she treated me though.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i met "will" when i was 22. will was 29, with 2 kids, and had newly been widowed. we had whirlwind courtship where he introduced me to the kids and got me involved in their lives very early (first few days after i met him.) will said really quickly he was sure i was "the one," not only for himself but also for his kids. that we'd have an incredible, happy family life. we got married when i was 23, will was 30, and his kids were 8 and 6. our wedding ceremony also included me and the kids making promises to each other, which was will's idea. soon will shoved all the childcare onto me. i wasn't a stay at home spouse, i worked full time and always have. but he always had "reasons" for me to do the childcare - him being sore from doing a physical job, me being "better" at it since i babysat kids this age in the past and he never had. or "girl stuff" for his daughter. or cooking or anything. he always had some reason and it ended up always on me. he started playing video games and "relaxing" from getting home until bed, because he was "tired" and he was "bringing in the money and keeping the roof over everyone's heads," though that wasn't really true. he said he deserved to relax. then he went out with his friends or brought them back to drink beer and watch loud tv. he developed a major attitude with me, and encouraged same in the kids. they found it funny. he started openly disrespecting me and encouraged them to also. he was the ultimate "fun dad" and i got put in the role of the mean witch. sometimes they all ganged up on me and mocked me. but also all expected me to serve them and constantly be jumping up to care for them. by the end of the first year i realized the marriage was a big mistake, but felt guilty leaving because of my promises to the kids. another year went by and i realized that no matter how i tried, and how i knew they were only kids and i didn't really blame them, i genuinely hated both of the kids. and i could not lie to myself any more and pretend that i loved them. i did not, and i never would. one day i just walked out, packed up everything of mine and moved out while nobody was at home. i left a note explaining it wasn't working and saying goodbye. that was the end. cue shitstorm from my ex and a bitter divorce, but we both walked away with what we went into the marriage with (not much for either of us). i had never legally adopted the kids so i had no rights or responsibilies about them and i never reached out to any of them again. honestly i was overjoyed to be rid of all of them. 15 years have gone by and that seems like a lifetime ago, or another person's life, but i'm still in my 30's. i was recently shocked to get a message from tamara, will's daughter, now 25. tamara said i betrayed and traumatized her for life for "abandoning them" after my promises to them. she said i had a "responsibility to never leave no matter what." i know she remembers the horrible way she treated me though. [/INST] nta. there is never a responsibility to never leave, that is ridiculous. sure, a 10-year-old may reasonably think so, but a 25-year-old should know better. </s>
AITA for telling a social worker the real reason my sister wants a foster kid?	so this is a throw away account. while my sister doesn't use reddit, we have mutual friends who do. i'm a 28f and i have a sister (36f) for the sake of story, i'll just call jane. jane is married to "bob" and they have two kids, boy and a girl. my niece and nephew are wonderful kids and no trouble at all. they fight as siblings do but nothing big. i love them. now for about two years, i did live with my sister. it was a miserable time that really effected our relationship. she saw me as free labor, money and babysitting. even when i managed to get a small part time job, she demanded i hand over nearly half my pay or get out. it was hell as she took completely advantage of me. i moved out as soon as i could and we have little contact outside of family gatherings. now after i moved out, she started complaining how "she has no help with the kids and never gets a break!" i babysit sometimes but i have made it clear, just cause i am off work, doesn't mean i want an 8 hour day with my niece and nephew. anyway she started talking about how she wanted to foster a kid. not a kid but a teenager. i pressed her for more info on this. she wants to adopt a teenager so she has a live in babysitter for her kids. this is her logic: "i want a kid around 16 or 17, you know someone who may have been in the system for awhile. they can share a room with your nephew (she only has a three 3 bedroom house) or sleep in the garage. they can help me with house work, chores, cook and help me with my business.(she bakes and sells cookies) also babysit the kids so me and bob can go out sometimes or have some alone time. they'll be so grateful for a home and won't complain. i won't have to pay them at all. and then when they turn 18, i can just sign up for another foster kid! a teenager will be so much easier than a little kid, they will be grateful just to have a roof, food, siblings if they have been separated from their real ones and clothes." i was horrified! told her it was a horrible idea! she didn't listen to me. she went on with it anyway. about a month ago, a social worker showed up at my apartment to ask me some questions about my sister. she had put me down as a character witness or something like that. i immediately told the social worker why my sister really wanted to foster a kid and how she treated me when i lived with her. the lady thanked me. my sister called crying saying that she wouldn't be considered for any adoptions or fosters. the social worker told her that they felt her home and her weren't a good fit. she asked if i said anything and i told the truth. she went off on me, hung up and we haven't spoken since. she has sent some angry texts. a couple family members are on her side. they think foster kids are fucking dogs or something and would be so happy just to have a roof and would gladly do all the housework. so aita here?	42,225	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hsdpho/aita_for_telling_a_social_worker_the_real_reason/	2020-07-16 17:14:01	nta. you told the truth and saved a teenager from a terrible life of being used and dumped for another, which is no way to treat anyone. it is a foster child, not a slave.	nta. wtf is wrong with your sister wtf..??	nta. kids aren't slaves and shouldn't be treated as such. i'm glad you got out of living with your sister, because she sounds difficult to live with, and you absolutely did the right thing to prevent a child from being treated like you did!	nta. what you did was the only ethical option. not only is this treating another human being like a literal house slave(and a disposable one at that), but older fosters tend to have been through a horrifying amount of abuse that means they often need a lot of help themselves. honestly, the plan to have him live in the same room as the younger children is generally not allowed for that exact reason--its incredibly common for sexually abused children to repeat the behavior to other children because they don't know better and its been normalized(and i'm guessing the garage plan wasn't even mentioned to the social worker because that is right out). older foster children are generally harder to place exactly because they generally need so much work, but all your sister sees is free labor. unless she somehow lucks out with actual cinderella, her flippant plan is not only cruel but exposing her own children to potential physical and sexual abuse, drugs, whatever horrible things the foster child had to do to survive. also, i'd extremely not trust any family member that is on her side. you shouldn't be celebrated by adopting a child for your own gain--this is a just a genteel version of victorian men scooping up orphans and forcing them to work as chimney sweeps and coal miners then discarding them when they get too big to do the work.	nta . your sister is insane. what happens if she learns about au pairs :/	nta!!!!! too many foster kids end up in homes like that and its digusting! people should only take in a kid of they're willing to treat them like their own kid and provide a loving and fun home. you absloutly did the right thing, saving a kid from being subjected to being a maid and nanny.	holy shit, nta. my husband and i have talked about adopting teenagers. the first thing we talked about was that we weren’t asking them to babysit. it’s not their job, and foster kids have gone through so much. making them a live in, unpaid nanny is just disgusting and your sister should be ashamed of herself.	nta i’m so tired of people using the foster care system for their own narcissistic needs, usually it’s money in this case it’s labor. just as bad as people who have more children just so they can take care of their siblings etc. you absolutely did the right thing in making sure no foster kid ever goes into that abusing household.	nta i'm just going to say it, you sister is a very bad person.	nta your sister sounds horrible a foster child doesn't want need a roof over there head they need a family to love then not to be treated as a slave. you did the right thing.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so this is a throw away account. while my sister doesn't use reddit, we have mutual friends who do. i'm a 28f and i have a sister (36f) for the sake of story, i'll just call jane. jane is married to "bob" and they have two kids, boy and a girl. my niece and nephew are wonderful kids and no trouble at all. they fight as siblings do but nothing big. i love them. now for about two years, i did live with my sister. it was a miserable time that really effected our relationship. she saw me as free labor, money and babysitting. even when i managed to get a small part time job, she demanded i hand over nearly half my pay or get out. it was hell as she took completely advantage of me. i moved out as soon as i could and we have little contact outside of family gatherings. now after i moved out, she started complaining how "she has no help with the kids and never gets a break!" i babysit sometimes but i have made it clear, just cause i am off work, doesn't mean i want an 8 hour day with my niece and nephew. anyway she started talking about how she wanted to foster a kid. not a kid but a teenager. i pressed her for more info on this. she wants to adopt a teenager so she has a live in babysitter for her kids. this is her logic: "i want a kid around 16 or 17, you know someone who may have been in the system for awhile. they can share a room with your nephew (she only has a three 3 bedroom house) or sleep in the garage. they can help me with house work, chores, cook and help me with my business.(she bakes and sells cookies) also babysit the kids so me and bob can go out sometimes or have some alone time. they'll be so grateful for a home and won't complain. i won't have to pay them at all. and then when they turn 18, i can just sign up for another foster kid! a teenager will be so much easier than a little kid, they will be grateful just to have a roof, food, siblings if they have been separated from their real ones and clothes." i was horrified! told her it was a horrible idea! she didn't listen to me. she went on with it anyway. about a month ago, a social worker showed up at my apartment to ask me some questions about my sister. she had put me down as a character witness or something like that. i immediately told the social worker why my sister really wanted to foster a kid and how she treated me when i lived with her. the lady thanked me. my sister called crying saying that she wouldn't be considered for any adoptions or fosters. the social worker told her that they felt her home and her weren't a good fit. she asked if i said anything and i told the truth. she went off on me, hung up and we haven't spoken since. she has sent some angry texts. a couple family members are on her side. they think foster kids are fucking dogs or something and would be so happy just to have a roof and would gladly do all the housework. so aita here?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> so this is a throw away account. while my sister doesn't use reddit, we have mutual friends who do. i'm a 28f and i have a sister (36f) for the sake of story, i'll just call jane. jane is married to "bob" and they have two kids, boy and a girl. my niece and nephew are wonderful kids and no trouble at all. they fight as siblings do but nothing big. i love them. now for about two years, i did live with my sister. it was a miserable time that really effected our relationship. she saw me as free labor, money and babysitting. even when i managed to get a small part time job, she demanded i hand over nearly half my pay or get out. it was hell as she took completely advantage of me. i moved out as soon as i could and we have little contact outside of family gatherings. now after i moved out, she started complaining how "she has no help with the kids and never gets a break!" i babysit sometimes but i have made it clear, just cause i am off work, doesn't mean i want an 8 hour day with my niece and nephew. anyway she started talking about how she wanted to foster a kid. not a kid but a teenager. i pressed her for more info on this. she wants to adopt a teenager so she has a live in babysitter for her kids. this is her logic: "i want a kid around 16 or 17, you know someone who may have been in the system for awhile. they can share a room with your nephew (she only has a three 3 bedroom house) or sleep in the garage. they can help me with house work, chores, cook and help me with my business.(she bakes and sells cookies) also babysit the kids so me and bob can go out sometimes or have some alone time. they'll be so grateful for a home and won't complain. i won't have to pay them at all. and then when they turn 18, i can just sign up for another foster kid! a teenager will be so much easier than a little kid, they will be grateful just to have a roof, food, siblings if they have been separated from their real ones and clothes." i was horrified! told her it was a horrible idea! she didn't listen to me. she went on with it anyway. about a month ago, a social worker showed up at my apartment to ask me some questions about my sister. she had put me down as a character witness or something like that. i immediately told the social worker why my sister really wanted to foster a kid and how she treated me when i lived with her. the lady thanked me. my sister called crying saying that she wouldn't be considered for any adoptions or fosters. the social worker told her that they felt her home and her weren't a good fit. she asked if i said anything and i told the truth. she went off on me, hung up and we haven't spoken since. she has sent some angry texts. a couple family members are on her side. they think foster kids are fucking dogs or something and would be so happy just to have a roof and would gladly do all the housework. so aita here? [/INST] nta. you told the truth and saved a teenager from a terrible life of being used and dumped for another, which is no way to treat anyone. it is a foster child, not a slave. </s>
AITA for being mad that my birthday gift was sex?	on my gf's birthday i gave her a necklace that i spent $400 on. i wasn't expecting her to spend the same as me, but i was expecting something. here's how it went down. after dinner she asked me if i was ready for my gift, i said yes and she started giving me oral. she doesn't like giving oral and i'm ok with it. she was giving bad oral and honestly i just wanted her to stop, then she gets up and pulls me into my room and we have sex. i feel disappointed. i don't think sex is a gift. i didn't expect a gift that was equal to what i spent, but i wanted a least something.	25,143	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/anhw1b/aita_for_being_mad_that_my_birthday_gift_was_sex/	2019-02-05 19:46:32	nta. sounds like she couldnt be bothered to think about you and went with the laziest possible option. bad head is worse than no head.	nta lazy on her part. my s/o assumed dudes are always wanting sex 24/7 and gifted me with some last year as well, but i declined because snuggling and watching flash sounded like a much more relaxing gift. when her birthday comes around next year gift her a hug.	nta. sex is more of a common expectation in a relationship (see: most non-abstaining relationships), not a gift.	nta - sex shouldn’t be a compulsory act. it sounds like she put very little thought into your gift and while you shouldn’t expect a gift of equivalent value (because that negates the purpose of a gift) the same amount of thought is reasonable to expect. it sounds like she’s bought into some really old tv trope where “special sex” is all men want.	nta - though her heart was in the right place, i agree that sex isn't a gift. and furthermore, bad oral is worse than no oral. &#x200b;	nta your girlfriend is either cheap or lazy. but let this be a lesson to you and don't drop $400 on a birthday present for someone who pulls crap like this.	nah, hear me out. you probably have different love languages. gifts are important to you, while acts of service/physical touch are more important to her. this is a communication issue, so i recommend talking about it.	nta. that’s not remotely fair. if she’s broke, that’s one thing, but assuming that sex is an adequate gift in a relationship (unless otherwise mutually agreed) is beyond the scope of fairness	nta. valentine’s day you should paint your dick like a single red rose and your balls like chocolate.	nta. i feel sex is only a gift after a wonderful day/night out celebrating your birthday. it kinda feels lazy that she only had sex as a gift.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NAH	NTA	NTA	NTA	0.000375	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: on my gf's birthday i gave her a necklace that i spent $400 on. i wasn't expecting her to spend the same as me, but i was expecting something. here's how it went down. after dinner she asked me if i was ready for my gift, i said yes and she started giving me oral. she doesn't like giving oral and i'm ok with it. she was giving bad oral and honestly i just wanted her to stop, then she gets up and pulls me into my room and we have sex. i feel disappointed. i don't think sex is a gift. i didn't expect a gift that was equal to what i spent, but i wanted a least something.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> on my gf's birthday i gave her a necklace that i spent $400 on. i wasn't expecting her to spend the same as me, but i was expecting something. here's how it went down. after dinner she asked me if i was ready for my gift, i said yes and she started giving me oral. she doesn't like giving oral and i'm ok with it. she was giving bad oral and honestly i just wanted her to stop, then she gets up and pulls me into my room and we have sex. i feel disappointed. i don't think sex is a gift. i didn't expect a gift that was equal to what i spent, but i wanted a least something. [/INST] nta. sounds like she couldnt be bothered to think about you and went with the laziest possible option. bad head is worse than no head. </s>
AITA for not getting on a flight upon finding out that he put my kids in economy?	so, my fiancee has 3 kids from his former marriage whilst i have 2, from my former marriage as well. i quit my job to start focusing on getting my degree. he's become the "breadwinner" if you will although i still contribute with my savings! i also do 80% of child-care and chores. long story short, he wanted me and my kids to attend thanksgiving with his family who are located across country and we were supposed to go yesterday (ahead of time to get a rental place). he bokked our tickets and everything but later, before the flight i found out that he, his kids and myself were put in 1st class whilst my 2 kids (14) & (10) were put in economy. i was stunned, he acted like it was a no big deal and told us it's just few hours and the kids could "just hang in there for a little while". i asked how he could think this was acceptable and he got mad and said he's the one paying for tickets then we go by his rules. i immediately turned around and took the kids and made my way out of the airport. he started following us screaming at me to go back but i refused and told him that i no longer felt like spending thanksgiving with his folks after this. my youngest cried because she never flew without me. he went with his kids. my and the kids are home. he has not stop calling trying to berate me and even had his mom text that i needed to get over myself and stop teaching my kids to be spoiled and entitled. she said that the fact that i was "willing" to miss thanksgiving with the family over something so trivial shows my real character and perseonality and mindset or "lack thereof". i have not replied but i feel horrible. aita, should i have just let it slide and just went? in case i wasn't clear, me and the kids left our family/hometown so we could go celebrate with his family in his hometown. my kids weren't too excited leaving their granparents for a week or so. update i'm currently getting myself and the kids packed so that we go stay with my mother. this has happened before in other instances but i kept thinking to myself "this is not right but i have invested too much time and effort in this relationship so maybe this shouldn't get in the way"..and i'd try to minimize most situations where i find my kids being put last. not only that but he tried to give me an ultimatum regarding getting my degree and what was my response? "this isn't right...." but kept making light of it and letting go. now he's probably badmouthing me to the whole family (and so is his mom, bless her effing heart)the kids and i are leaving, he'll be coming back to an empty home...except he'll find some company with the engagement ring that i took off and left on the nightstand. distance and some re-evaluation is needed right now. thank ypu to all who reached out with helpful input and prespectives. you're right, my kids come first and that's what i keep trying to do and i hope i won't ever fail. thank you so much for the support.	21,002	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ywyb7n/aita_for_not_getting_on_a_flight_upon_finding_out/	2022-11-16 16:31:46	nta. his kids in first class, your kids in economy? that's a bad sign for the future. then his response is to berate you and future mil calling your kids spoiled and entitled? even worse. it would not have ended here. i would be done with that relationship.	noooo you are right and not the ah. either all kids fly one way or no dice. if you can afford first class for 4 you can afford first class for 6 or all fly economy if you dont want kids to feel entitled. he has clearly shown where your kids rate to him especially over his kids. you may want to rethink marriage to an ah like that.	nta. your fiancé seems to missing the point: it's not that you expected your kids to be in 1st class, but that once everyone else was in 1st class, it was not okay to put them in economy. i would be very worried about how he treats your kids in comparison to his own from now on. my brother's widow is remarried to someone who makes a lot of money. i can assure that he treats her kids exactly as how he treats his own.	nta. first strike: wrong for him to segregate your kids downward. second strike: wrong for him to seat minor children away from a parent without that parent's knowledge. last strike: that he and his mother have teamed up to attack you. that this guy (or his family) doesn't even consider any of his actions wrong and are doubling down instead - is a huge red flag. he is not marriage material. his sense of entitlement and control along with his poor communication skills will make for a lot more situations like this as your kids grow and transition into adulthood. sorry you got a bad lemon, no lemonade to be made here.	nta i would seriously reconsider marrying a man who treats your children as less than. i would also seriously reconsider marrying a momma’s boy.	nta. he is though. he will never treat your kids well. if you stay with him know that your kids will always be second class citizens in his home.	the deeper issue here isn’t about economy class vs business class. it’s about financial control. “my money my rules” is a quick pathway to financial abuse. you did the right thing by choosing “my kids, my choice”. also, the raised voice. the refusal to even consult with you first. and the implications of how he views your kids..all of these are red flags, op. nta.	~~i n f o: how old are his children?~~ nta. if they were babies, obviously you need them up with you, while the older kids could sit in economy. and if they were adults, i could see them benefiting more from first class. but since they are around the same age as your children, there was no (non-asshole) reason to have them sit separately. i could see putting all of the kids together in economy, for a little unsupervised fun and extra independence (of course, he would need to notify you of this in advance). but there's no excuse for giving his own kids the luxury seats and sending yours to the back, let alone not telling you he was doing so.	nta. he could have put all the kids in coach or all of you in coach. his arrangement sent a message to his children that they out rank yours. not acceptable. i’d be hurt and not get on the plane either. your future mil should have kept out of it. i hope you aren’t now financially dependent upon him. you gave up your income and contributing out of savings. sound very insecure for you. please take care of you and your kids. eta spelling	run! do not make this awful person a permanent part of your childrens lives. he has shown you who he is and how little he thinks of your children compared to his own and he will always treat your children like they are not worth the time of day whilst giving his own children the world. nta as long as you get your children away from this man, if you dont you most certainly are the ah here.	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so, my fiancee has 3 kids from his former marriage whilst i have 2, from my former marriage as well. i quit my job to start focusing on getting my degree. he's become the "breadwinner" if you will although i still contribute with my savings! i also do 80% of child-care and chores. long story short, he wanted me and my kids to attend thanksgiving with his family who are located across country and we were supposed to go yesterday (ahead of time to get a rental place). he bokked our tickets and everything but later, before the flight i found out that he, his kids and myself were put in 1st class whilst my 2 kids (14) & (10) were put in economy. i was stunned, he acted like it was a no big deal and told us it's just few hours and the kids could "just hang in there for a little while". i asked how he could think this was acceptable and he got mad and said he's the one paying for tickets then we go by his rules. i immediately turned around and took the kids and made my way out of the airport. he started following us screaming at me to go back but i refused and told him that i no longer felt like spending thanksgiving with his folks after this. my youngest cried because she never flew without me. he went with his kids. my and the kids are home. he has not stop calling trying to berate me and even had his mom text that i needed to get over myself and stop teaching my kids to be spoiled and entitled. she said that the fact that i was "willing" to miss thanksgiving with the family over something so trivial shows my real character and perseonality and mindset or "lack thereof". i have not replied but i feel horrible. aita, should i have just let it slide and just went? in case i wasn't clear, me and the kids left our family/hometown so we could go celebrate with his family in his hometown. my kids weren't too excited leaving their granparents for a week or so. update i'm currently getting myself and the kids packed so that we go stay with my mother. this has happened before in other instances but i kept thinking to myself "this is not right but i have invested too much time and effort in this relationship so maybe this shouldn't get in the way"..and i'd try to minimize most situations where i find my kids being put last. not only that but he tried to give me an ultimatum regarding getting my degree and what was my response? "this isn't right...." but kept making light of it and letting go. now he's probably badmouthing me to the whole family (and so is his mom, bless her effing heart)the kids and i are leaving, he'll be coming back to an empty home...except he'll find some company with the engagement ring that i took off and left on the nightstand. distance and some re-evaluation is needed right now. thank ypu to all who reached out with helpful input and prespectives. you're right, my kids come first and that's what i keep trying to do and i hope i won't ever fail. thank you so much for the support.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> so, my fiancee has 3 kids from his former marriage whilst i have 2, from my former marriage as well. i quit my job to start focusing on getting my degree. he's become the "breadwinner" if you will although i still contribute with my savings! i also do 80% of child-care and chores. long story short, he wanted me and my kids to attend thanksgiving with his family who are located across country and we were supposed to go yesterday (ahead of time to get a rental place). he bokked our tickets and everything but later, before the flight i found out that he, his kids and myself were put in 1st class whilst my 2 kids (14) & (10) were put in economy. i was stunned, he acted like it was a no big deal and told us it's just few hours and the kids could "just hang in there for a little while". i asked how he could think this was acceptable and he got mad and said he's the one paying for tickets then we go by his rules. i immediately turned around and took the kids and made my way out of the airport. he started following us screaming at me to go back but i refused and told him that i no longer felt like spending thanksgiving with his folks after this. my youngest cried because she never flew without me. he went with his kids. my and the kids are home. he has not stop calling trying to berate me and even had his mom text that i needed to get over myself and stop teaching my kids to be spoiled and entitled. she said that the fact that i was "willing" to miss thanksgiving with the family over something so trivial shows my real character and perseonality and mindset or "lack thereof". i have not replied but i feel horrible. aita, should i have just let it slide and just went? in case i wasn't clear, me and the kids left our family/hometown so we could go celebrate with his family in his hometown. my kids weren't too excited leaving their granparents for a week or so. update i'm currently getting myself and the kids packed so that we go stay with my mother. this has happened before in other instances but i kept thinking to myself "this is not right but i have invested too much time and effort in this relationship so maybe this shouldn't get in the way"..and i'd try to minimize most situations where i find my kids being put last. not only that but he tried to give me an ultimatum regarding getting my degree and what was my response? "this isn't right...." but kept making light of it and letting go. now he's probably badmouthing me to the whole family (and so is his mom, bless her effing heart)the kids and i are leaving, he'll be coming back to an empty home...except he'll find some company with the engagement ring that i took off and left on the nightstand. distance and some re-evaluation is needed right now. thank ypu to all who reached out with helpful input and prespectives. you're right, my kids come first and that's what i keep trying to do and i hope i won't ever fail. thank you so much for the support. [/INST] nta. his kids in first class, your kids in economy? that's a bad sign for the future. then his response is to berate you and future mil calling your kids spoiled and entitled? even worse. it would not have ended here. i would be done with that relationship. </s>
WIBTA if I quit my job, sell my share in company and retire to be a ski patroler? I would essentially leave my adult kids (18 and 22) to fend for themselves with no way to pay for college. Ex wife as well.	so years and years of backstory here. ex wife has bpd and life with her has been a continuous struggle. we are in the middle of a divorce because while she’s lied, stolen, abused, hit, etc... she never cheated. but she crossed that line and enough was enough. divorce is bitter and ugly. for financial reasons we had set kids college savings up with my wife as custodian. i implored kids to go to the brokerage companies to remove wife as a custodian now they were adults. the both blew me off and “yeah yeahed” me for almost a year. ex cleaned out every penny of the accounts, probably to buy her new house. instead of my kids even asking thier mom why, let alone taking legal action they both held their hands out to me and expected me to make up for it. then getting mad at me when i said i had far too much on my plate to add another battle with thier mom, they had to handle it. since there was no way to pay for school this semester, both have essentially become shut ins at home. i’ve had it because niether shows an iota of interest in thier future. on a lark i called my college roommate who is head ski patrol at a small resort in nm. he said i’m hired. i talked to my partner and he’d gladly buy my half of the business. with the 50% id have to give my ex wife i could live modest and comfortably for the rest of my life. i could spend my summers hiking, my winters working and maybe just not spend 15 hours a day at a desk working for 3 people who just see me as a wallet. kids would be cut off. i wouldn’t be able to afford any help. they have avenues and legal recourse with thier mom, whether they take it is up to them. but they’d have to grow up and fast. would i be the asshole if i do this?	24,033	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/blich3/wibta_if_i_quit_my_job_sell_my_share_in_company/	2019-05-06 22:01:49	nta but you might cause irreparable damage to your relationship with your children.	nta: go for it, if you have to pay your ex wife a share of your 50% then she can use that to pay for/towards their education	[removed]	“hey reddit, wibta if i cut off my vulnerable family and left them to be a ski patroller?”	info: do you have any sympathy for your children who were raised by an abusive mother, seem to still be living with her, and therefore, might have issues of their own preventing them from being emotionally mature? because it seems like you don't give a fuck about them at all, really.	nta. you already provided a way to pay for school for them, you tried to warn them that their mother should be taken off, they didn’t listen. they are adults now. it’s not your responsibility to come up with the money for college (again). loans exist. tuition management system (tms) exists for most of the us and it’s a months payment, a semester at a time, no loans, no interests. granted that means working while in school, but its doable. you tried, you did your duty as a parent, it’s up to them now.	esh i can certainly see why op is bitter, but i think completely abandoning his kids like this is over the line. he says he suffered from his wife's bpd. what effect does he think she had on his kids? at a minimum, he can talk with an attorney to arrange it so that wife's share of the business is used to reimburse his kids for the money that wife stole. he's the one that put ex in charge of brokerage accounts so she could access them. he could have warned the brokerage to prevent abuse of funds. 18 and 20 year olds are nowhere near savvy enough to protect themselves in this legal situation, and telling them to go after their mother puts them in a terrible emotional and legal position. they lack any funds to hire an attorney to protect their interests. they are also in the middle of a nasty divorce between their parents. exhibit at least a little concern for your kids and help them manage difficult legal problems and an emotional nightmare before leaving for greener pastures.	yta. you chose a shitty abusive partner, not your kids. they have had to put up with your bad choice for their whole life and now that your legal obligation is done you are playing a game to make yourself not feel responsible. as a father you should fight for your children on their behalf. if you are telling your kids to sue their mom, that should be your first clue. you know, most people don't want to sue their own mother, even if she is an abusive liar. also bear in mind that years of maltreatment at the hands of an abusive bpd mom have likely caused them to think in totally fucked up ways. you're in the clear, legally speaking, though.	nta but you need to know that this will not be a repairable thing with your kids. if you dip you are done. really think about this decision. your kids are adults, but they are still very young. do you want to help them grow and make something of themselves or do you want to cut all ties. they are your children and you have fulfilled your legal obligation to provide for them. now you need to assess if you have a moral obligation to help them as they become adults. divorce is not easy on kids, no matter the age. they may have done dumb things, but i bet you after what happened with their mother they'd be more receptive to your advice.	i’m gonna go against the grain and say yta. your children were raised in an abusive household (mom) with a father who seems to have checked out of their lives and the situation a long time ago. how can you expect them to just have grown up to be well adjusted and responsible adults without proper role models? yes some people beat the odds and become phenomenal adults, but why even put them in that position in the first place? i understand trying to protect yourself, i also get that at least the 22 y/o should try to do better, but it comes off like neither of you actually tried to parent them. understand that if you do make this decision, your relationship with your kids may effectively be over, although i don’t really get the impression it matters.	NTA	NTA	null	null	INFO	NTA	ESH	YTA	NTA	YTA	0.570221	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so years and years of backstory here. ex wife has bpd and life with her has been a continuous struggle. we are in the middle of a divorce because while she’s lied, stolen, abused, hit, etc... she never cheated. but she crossed that line and enough was enough. divorce is bitter and ugly. for financial reasons we had set kids college savings up with my wife as custodian. i implored kids to go to the brokerage companies to remove wife as a custodian now they were adults. the both blew me off and “yeah yeahed” me for almost a year. ex cleaned out every penny of the accounts, probably to buy her new house. instead of my kids even asking thier mom why, let alone taking legal action they both held their hands out to me and expected me to make up for it. then getting mad at me when i said i had far too much on my plate to add another battle with thier mom, they had to handle it. since there was no way to pay for school this semester, both have essentially become shut ins at home. i’ve had it because niether shows an iota of interest in thier future. on a lark i called my college roommate who is head ski patrol at a small resort in nm. he said i’m hired. i talked to my partner and he’d gladly buy my half of the business. with the 50% id have to give my ex wife i could live modest and comfortably for the rest of my life. i could spend my summers hiking, my winters working and maybe just not spend 15 hours a day at a desk working for 3 people who just see me as a wallet. kids would be cut off. i wouldn’t be able to afford any help. they have avenues and legal recourse with thier mom, whether they take it is up to them. but they’d have to grow up and fast. would i be the asshole if i do this?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> so years and years of backstory here. ex wife has bpd and life with her has been a continuous struggle. we are in the middle of a divorce because while she’s lied, stolen, abused, hit, etc... she never cheated. but she crossed that line and enough was enough. divorce is bitter and ugly. for financial reasons we had set kids college savings up with my wife as custodian. i implored kids to go to the brokerage companies to remove wife as a custodian now they were adults. the both blew me off and “yeah yeahed” me for almost a year. ex cleaned out every penny of the accounts, probably to buy her new house. instead of my kids even asking thier mom why, let alone taking legal action they both held their hands out to me and expected me to make up for it. then getting mad at me when i said i had far too much on my plate to add another battle with thier mom, they had to handle it. since there was no way to pay for school this semester, both have essentially become shut ins at home. i’ve had it because niether shows an iota of interest in thier future. on a lark i called my college roommate who is head ski patrol at a small resort in nm. he said i’m hired. i talked to my partner and he’d gladly buy my half of the business. with the 50% id have to give my ex wife i could live modest and comfortably for the rest of my life. i could spend my summers hiking, my winters working and maybe just not spend 15 hours a day at a desk working for 3 people who just see me as a wallet. kids would be cut off. i wouldn’t be able to afford any help. they have avenues and legal recourse with thier mom, whether they take it is up to them. but they’d have to grow up and fast. would i be the asshole if i do this? [/INST] nta but you might cause irreparable damage to your relationship with your children. </s>
Aita for not making my daughter invite the special needs student in her class to her birthday party.	my daughter is in the second grade, her birthday is coming up and we have a pool party planned at our park district for her birthday with her classmates. one student in her class, let’s call him tyler, is nonverbal autistic. i’ve met him a few times, and he’s a sweet kid, but yeah nonverbal autistic. he is in my daughters class partially but leaves midway through the day to go to a special program or something. now i told my daughter she can either invite all the girls, or the entire class. i am not letting her invite specific people and single anyone out. she ended up choosing the whole class, but my daughter, as respectfully as a second grader could be, asked me if it was okay if tyler did not receive an invite. she said he’s barely in her class and doesn’t really know anyone, and it might be tough for him to be at a pool party. i talked to my husband about this and we ended up deciding that she does not have to invite him. she has to give out her invitations through mail however, because i do not want him seeing her giving invitations out. anyways, i was talking about this at my work with a couple other nurses and a few of them thought i was being horrible by telling her she didn’t need to include the child with special needs. i said that i do not have any experience handling special needs children, and i didn’t know if he would need special assistance or even need his mom or a caretaker there the whole time. a coworker told me i made a huge mistake by “teaching my daughter that it’s okay to exclude those who are different”. idk if i’d read that much into it. aita?	7,493	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/fcj7ju/aita_for_not_making_my_daughter_invite_the/	2020-03-02 21:20:07	yta you are definitely teaching your daughter that it's okay to exclude people who are different. it's not your choice if he can handle the party or not. he should absolutely receive an invite and his parents/caregivers can decide if he's capable of attending.	yta how hard would it have been to speak to tyler's parents and understand what his needs were and ask for their opinion. basically you have taught your daughter it's ok to exclude people who are different without actually making the effort to understand whether atyler could attend or not. proper dick move!	yta. >now i told my daughter she can either invite all the girls, or the entire class. i am not letting her invite specific people and single anyone out. except for excluding the kid with autism? yeah, no. your daughter is at an age where kids are developing empathy and learning how to interact with people, and imo this is absolutely the wrong message to give her. you told her she's not allowed to exclude specific people, but you're bending that rule to allow her to exclude the one "different" kid in her class. it isn't just about your daughter. it's about the message that it sends to all of the other kids who are invited, and the message it sends to tyler. and even if tyler doesn't find out or isn't able to understand the social implications of being excluded, how much might it mean to tyler's parents that his classmates chose to include him? invite the kid.	yta 100% when i was 7, a classmate (2nd grade) had an awesome-sounding birthday pool party. she invited the entire class. except for me. why? because i was the "fat kid". everyone talked about the party at school, and i knew just how horrible a person i was. it made school that much harder for me. it made me hate myself so much. so, where do you draw the line? i'm sure her parents thought to themselves "well, the fat kid probably wouldn't want to wear a bathing suit around all of these thin kids" or some similar garbage. it sounds like the pool party hasn't happened, yet? send the kid an invite. encourage the kid's parents to attend. don't teach your kid that it's ok to exclude someone like this.	hello i’m autistic myself and have come to give my two cents on this matter i can definitely understand a 7 year old not wanting to invite someone she doesn’t know very well and doesn’t spend the whole day in the class. and i can totally understand your concerns about his safety and his potential need for a caretaker or other special requirements. however i find it cruel to just decide that this is alright without further thought. in my opinion you should have contacted tyler’s parents and asked them what they thought. chances are if tyler does require a caretaker or more attention they will let you know and probably even provide for these things, or even offer to chaperone themselves. in my opinion tyler would be very hurt when/if he finds out later that the whole class went to this party but not him. he probably already experienced a lot of stigma for leaving school halfway for this program and i strongly feel like that is also not helping him feel like he’s a part of his class i won’t be leaving a judgement because i don’t think it’s my place but i will suggest what would be in my opinion the most correct course of action talk to his parents, see what they say. a pool party is actually the kind of activity that autistic children tend to enjoy because being underwater doesn’t require verbal communication and marco polo is also quite a simple game which tends to lend itself easily to the autistic spectrum but i digress. furthermore, should the parents be against tyler’s attendance, ask them how they would feel if he received an invitation anyway. stuff like that can really help him feel accepted, although i would encourage you to ask the parents what they think of this since it could put them in an uncomfortable position. best of luck	serious question, when the heck did it become the norm to have to invite everyone in a class to a birthday party? every birthday party i went to (with a single exception) was usually 8-10 people (in my case girls, since i happen to be female), and the kid basically got to pick who to invite.	yta. you gave her the option of just the girls or the entire class, she choose the entire class but you're allowing her to exclude one single person for something they cannot help. . .not a bully, but a 2nd grader with a disability. i'm really disgusted you think this is ok.	yta- i’m inviting everyone from my class... except for you because you’re autistic.	yta you literally said she can't pick and choose unless you deem them different enough and then they can the only child in the class who gets excluded. if you're worried about how he'll cope discuss it with his mom, she'll tell you he'll be fine, she'll come along to support or thank you for trying but it won't work. the fact he's non verbal autistic does not preclude him from enjoying a party or feeling the pain of being excluded from one.	nah i know i'm in the minority on this one but i think it needs to be said. op you aren't in the wrong at all for not inviting tyler. starting with the basics both you and your daughter don't feel comfortable having him there. which imo is reason enough, but to top it off he is non verball which not only makes logistics and ensuring safety harder it makes it more difficult for your daughter to connect with him and insure that both of them are having a good time.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	NAH	0.01744	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my daughter is in the second grade, her birthday is coming up and we have a pool party planned at our park district for her birthday with her classmates. one student in her class, let’s call him tyler, is nonverbal autistic. i’ve met him a few times, and he’s a sweet kid, but yeah nonverbal autistic. he is in my daughters class partially but leaves midway through the day to go to a special program or something. now i told my daughter she can either invite all the girls, or the entire class. i am not letting her invite specific people and single anyone out. she ended up choosing the whole class, but my daughter, as respectfully as a second grader could be, asked me if it was okay if tyler did not receive an invite. she said he’s barely in her class and doesn’t really know anyone, and it might be tough for him to be at a pool party. i talked to my husband about this and we ended up deciding that she does not have to invite him. she has to give out her invitations through mail however, because i do not want him seeing her giving invitations out. anyways, i was talking about this at my work with a couple other nurses and a few of them thought i was being horrible by telling her she didn’t need to include the child with special needs. i said that i do not have any experience handling special needs children, and i didn’t know if he would need special assistance or even need his mom or a caretaker there the whole time. a coworker told me i made a huge mistake by “teaching my daughter that it’s okay to exclude those who are different”. idk if i’d read that much into it. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my daughter is in the second grade, her birthday is coming up and we have a pool party planned at our park district for her birthday with her classmates. one student in her class, let’s call him tyler, is nonverbal autistic. i’ve met him a few times, and he’s a sweet kid, but yeah nonverbal autistic. he is in my daughters class partially but leaves midway through the day to go to a special program or something. now i told my daughter she can either invite all the girls, or the entire class. i am not letting her invite specific people and single anyone out. she ended up choosing the whole class, but my daughter, as respectfully as a second grader could be, asked me if it was okay if tyler did not receive an invite. she said he’s barely in her class and doesn’t really know anyone, and it might be tough for him to be at a pool party. i talked to my husband about this and we ended up deciding that she does not have to invite him. she has to give out her invitations through mail however, because i do not want him seeing her giving invitations out. anyways, i was talking about this at my work with a couple other nurses and a few of them thought i was being horrible by telling her she didn’t need to include the child with special needs. i said that i do not have any experience handling special needs children, and i didn’t know if he would need special assistance or even need his mom or a caretaker there the whole time. a coworker told me i made a huge mistake by “teaching my daughter that it’s okay to exclude those who are different”. idk if i’d read that much into it. aita? [/INST] yta you are definitely teaching your daughter that it's okay to exclude people who are different. it's not your choice if he can handle the party or not. he should absolutely receive an invite and his parents/caregivers can decide if he's capable of attending. </s>
AITA for throwing away my pad at an acquaintances house?	throwaway because i'm sorry of embarrassed about this. i met a dude on tinder a few weeks ago, and we seemed to really hit it off. we had a lot of the same hobbies, and i felt a spark between us that i'm sure he felt too. after we got passed the talking phase, we decided to meet at his house for coffee. it was great when i arrived. we talked loads, and even held hands! however, i was on the third day of my period, and after a couple hours i needed to change my pad. i ask for the bathroom, and he directs me to it. after i finish changing, i notice his trashcan is pretty full. not sure what to do i wrap it in toilet paper and sort of smooth it into the trash can so it isn't sitting on the edge. we hang out for about an hour more and be excuses himself to the bathroom. a few minutes pass by and he comes out, and says he needs to talk with me. he says that i shouldn't of thrown away my pad because he might touch it when taking out the trash, and that it was gross and unsanitary. apparently he saw that the trash looked different, unwrapped the toilet paper, and saw my used pad. i was mortified. i apologized profusely, and he seemed to take it well. he just told me not to do it again, and if i needed to, just walk a few blocks to a nearby grocery store to change. i left after that, not think too much of it. however, i've recounted the events to a few friends, and they think he's a major asshole. i'm not entirely sure. he was really kind about it, and didn't seem to get angry, but i'm also starting to see their point too. it's a normal body process for people with a uterus and i agree, should be more normalized. i'm just not sure what to think, and any judgement would be greatly appreciated.	21,719	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p2wvg3/aita_for_throwing_away_my_pad_at_an_acquaintances/	2021-08-12 10:11:16	nta. you didn't put it bloody side up on the top. you wrapped it in toilet paper and pushed it into the trash. he had to go out of his way to find out what it was. his rummaging through the trash and unwrapping it made his complaint that he might have touched it taking out the trash utterly ridiculous. his behavior was really weird. disturbingly weird.	this has to be complete bullshit. his trash looked different so he dug through and fished out your used maxi pad? then insisted you walk several blocks next time to a store's bathroom to change it? and you apologized??	nta. your ~~boyfriend~~ boyquaintance went through the bathroom trash, took a piece of it out, unwrapped it, and he's worried that what you did was "gross and unsanitary?"	nta- wrap that man in toilet paper and throw him in the bin.	nta \- i can't help but wonder if he god forbid were to live with a woman, would he demand she walk a few blocks several times a day to dispose of her pads? and a neatly wrapped pad in the garbage is not in any way unsanitary, him digging through the trash on the other hand is. seriously. i can't even.	what the hell???? you apologized for being a woman. he went through his trash, unwrapped your pad, and you were the one to apologize? he's all sorts of creepy assholeness. and then he says next time walk down the street to the store? in what warped version of this reality would he think any woman would come back for more of his bs? drop him, block him, and be glad he showed you who he was so fast. dodged a bullet there.	nta i am tired of men being grossed out by women's periods. you cleaned up after yourself, you wrapped it. what were you supposed to do? take it home with you? i bet if you put it in your purse he'd ask what it was and then get grossed out about that.	nta wow he needs to grow up. he went through the trash because it looked different? sounds like he's a control freak and/or has some seriously unhealthy hang-ups about women. go to a grocery store to change your pad? are you kidding? wow, just wow. run op, he just waved a big red flag in your face.	nta but he is, though i suppose it could be inexperience. how old is he? effectively he’s telling you that that all women are gross and unsanitary - whatever his age, he has some growing up to do.	from a guys perspective… eff that guy. you did absolutely nothing wrong.	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: throwaway because i'm sorry of embarrassed about this. i met a dude on tinder a few weeks ago, and we seemed to really hit it off. we had a lot of the same hobbies, and i felt a spark between us that i'm sure he felt too. after we got passed the talking phase, we decided to meet at his house for coffee. it was great when i arrived. we talked loads, and even held hands! however, i was on the third day of my period, and after a couple hours i needed to change my pad. i ask for the bathroom, and he directs me to it. after i finish changing, i notice his trashcan is pretty full. not sure what to do i wrap it in toilet paper and sort of smooth it into the trash can so it isn't sitting on the edge. we hang out for about an hour more and be excuses himself to the bathroom. a few minutes pass by and he comes out, and says he needs to talk with me. he says that i shouldn't of thrown away my pad because he might touch it when taking out the trash, and that it was gross and unsanitary. apparently he saw that the trash looked different, unwrapped the toilet paper, and saw my used pad. i was mortified. i apologized profusely, and he seemed to take it well. he just told me not to do it again, and if i needed to, just walk a few blocks to a nearby grocery store to change. i left after that, not think too much of it. however, i've recounted the events to a few friends, and they think he's a major asshole. i'm not entirely sure. he was really kind about it, and didn't seem to get angry, but i'm also starting to see their point too. it's a normal body process for people with a uterus and i agree, should be more normalized. i'm just not sure what to think, and any judgement would be greatly appreciated.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> throwaway because i'm sorry of embarrassed about this. i met a dude on tinder a few weeks ago, and we seemed to really hit it off. we had a lot of the same hobbies, and i felt a spark between us that i'm sure he felt too. after we got passed the talking phase, we decided to meet at his house for coffee. it was great when i arrived. we talked loads, and even held hands! however, i was on the third day of my period, and after a couple hours i needed to change my pad. i ask for the bathroom, and he directs me to it. after i finish changing, i notice his trashcan is pretty full. not sure what to do i wrap it in toilet paper and sort of smooth it into the trash can so it isn't sitting on the edge. we hang out for about an hour more and be excuses himself to the bathroom. a few minutes pass by and he comes out, and says he needs to talk with me. he says that i shouldn't of thrown away my pad because he might touch it when taking out the trash, and that it was gross and unsanitary. apparently he saw that the trash looked different, unwrapped the toilet paper, and saw my used pad. i was mortified. i apologized profusely, and he seemed to take it well. he just told me not to do it again, and if i needed to, just walk a few blocks to a nearby grocery store to change. i left after that, not think too much of it. however, i've recounted the events to a few friends, and they think he's a major asshole. i'm not entirely sure. he was really kind about it, and didn't seem to get angry, but i'm also starting to see their point too. it's a normal body process for people with a uterus and i agree, should be more normalized. i'm just not sure what to think, and any judgement would be greatly appreciated. [/INST] nta. you didn't put it bloody side up on the top. you wrapped it in toilet paper and pushed it into the trash. he had to go out of his way to find out what it was. his rummaging through the trash and unwrapping it made his complaint that he might have touched it taking out the trash utterly ridiculous. his behavior was really weird. disturbingly weird. </s>
AITA for telling my wife it’s ridiculous to cry over soup?	my wife is four months pregnant with our fifth child. we have a 7 year old girl, 6 year old girl, 4 year old boy and a 2 year old boy now. since childcare is so expensive she has been staying home. money is tight right now and her car broke down so we have been relying on mine. she texted me and told me she was craving a particular can of soup so i bought it and brought it home. she placed it on the counter and said she would make it after she gave the kids a bath. while she was upstairs my dad came over and mentioned he was hungry so i told him to help himself to anything in the kitchen as we had made dinner shortly before. well he ended up leaving to go home and my wife came downstairs then i heard her frantically searching for something. i asked what she was doing and she was looking for the soup she left out. i told her i haven’t seen it and that my dad came over but he usually doesn’t eat canned foods. i called him and he admitted he did in fact take it and that he was sorry because he was unaware she was saving it. when i told her this she started sobbing and saying “she can never have one thing in this house and how bad she was craving it and wanting it so bad” she cried for almost an hour over it. later i told her that she was being ridiculous and that she was an adult and crying over something as stupid as a can of soup was for children. she told me i didn’t understand and she’s feeling very emotional lately and stressed. i talked to my mom who told me i needed to give her grace and that my words were very a holeish. aita?	13,879	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wg7hti/aita_for_telling_my_wife_its_ridiculous_to_cry/	2022-08-04 17:46:57	yta. >my wife is four months pregnant with our fifth child. it's not about the soup, dude.	[removed]	yta she's pregnant. she's been touched, grabbed, screamed at, followed, questioned, etc all day by four little tyrants. she feels unattractive and she had a craving for some soup, as a comfort and probably because she didn't get to finish a meal all day. the correct response should have been "i'm sorry, it looks like dad ate it! go sit down & but your feet up give me 30 minutes & i will bring you a bowl" then get in the car, get the soup (plus a few extra cans & maybe her favor candy bar or something) and pamper her. what you did was mean. don't invalidate people's feelings.	yta, like...of course. you don't get how pregnancy works yet after having a litter of children?	yta >my wife is four months pregnant with our fifth child you'd think by now you'd know how hormones work and how emotional the pregnant women get...	yta how can you watch and experience your wife being pregnant 5 times and have developed no awareness of hormone fluctuations or cravings?	yta your mom was right. even if your wife wasn't pregnant and dealing with hormones, she's already taking care of four kids all under the age of 8! four kids under the age of eight!!! that's enough to make a grown man cry. and the only thing that she was looking forward to was a simple can of soup. that's it, soup! >"she started sobbing and saying “she can never have one thing in this house" this is your clue that she’s already feeling overburdened. go to the store or ask your dad to pick up a bunch of cans of soup. then go to her and grovel for forgiveness.	yta holy fucking shit. your pregnant wife is spending all day watching your 4 kids and all she asked for was a fucking can of soup, that you couldn't be bothered to tell your dad not to eat, and then when she gets upset you ridicule her.	yta you let someone take away the food that you knew your pregnant wife was craving. then when she got upset about it, you lectured her and insulted her by calling her ridiculous and childish. and you want to know if yta?	yta. she’s hormonal and growing an entire new human being. plus when you’re a mother you end up giving everything to your kids. you open a bag of crisps and they want to taste them. chocolate bar? ooh mummy that looks yummy can we try some?! you buy yourself some ice cream and the kids eat it. nothing is your own. not even your own body. this was hers. only hers. and somebody took it. again. as per bloody usual.	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my wife is four months pregnant with our fifth child. we have a 7 year old girl, 6 year old girl, 4 year old boy and a 2 year old boy now. since childcare is so expensive she has been staying home. money is tight right now and her car broke down so we have been relying on mine. she texted me and told me she was craving a particular can of soup so i bought it and brought it home. she placed it on the counter and said she would make it after she gave the kids a bath. while she was upstairs my dad came over and mentioned he was hungry so i told him to help himself to anything in the kitchen as we had made dinner shortly before. well he ended up leaving to go home and my wife came downstairs then i heard her frantically searching for something. i asked what she was doing and she was looking for the soup she left out. i told her i haven’t seen it and that my dad came over but he usually doesn’t eat canned foods. i called him and he admitted he did in fact take it and that he was sorry because he was unaware she was saving it. when i told her this she started sobbing and saying “she can never have one thing in this house and how bad she was craving it and wanting it so bad” she cried for almost an hour over it. later i told her that she was being ridiculous and that she was an adult and crying over something as stupid as a can of soup was for children. she told me i didn’t understand and she’s feeling very emotional lately and stressed. i talked to my mom who told me i needed to give her grace and that my words were very a holeish. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my wife is four months pregnant with our fifth child. we have a 7 year old girl, 6 year old girl, 4 year old boy and a 2 year old boy now. since childcare is so expensive she has been staying home. money is tight right now and her car broke down so we have been relying on mine. she texted me and told me she was craving a particular can of soup so i bought it and brought it home. she placed it on the counter and said she would make it after she gave the kids a bath. while she was upstairs my dad came over and mentioned he was hungry so i told him to help himself to anything in the kitchen as we had made dinner shortly before. well he ended up leaving to go home and my wife came downstairs then i heard her frantically searching for something. i asked what she was doing and she was looking for the soup she left out. i told her i haven’t seen it and that my dad came over but he usually doesn’t eat canned foods. i called him and he admitted he did in fact take it and that he was sorry because he was unaware she was saving it. when i told her this she started sobbing and saying “she can never have one thing in this house and how bad she was craving it and wanting it so bad” she cried for almost an hour over it. later i told her that she was being ridiculous and that she was an adult and crying over something as stupid as a can of soup was for children. she told me i didn’t understand and she’s feeling very emotional lately and stressed. i talked to my mom who told me i needed to give her grace and that my words were very a holeish. aita? [/INST] yta. >my wife is four months pregnant with our fifth child. it's not about the soup, dude. </s>
AITA for wanting a cash bar at our wedding?	ok so me (f25) and my fiance (m24) are getting married next year and like many people our age we are pretty grossed out by the wedding industry and are trying to keep our wedding as cheap as possible. so for example we are having the ceremony and reception at my uncle’s farm (free of charge) out in the country, my good friend from college who owns a catering business agreed to do our catering for free as a wedding gift, and my fiancé’s good friends with a band that will play at our wedding for free also as a wedding gift. we got my dress and his suit from goodwill and got them altered. everything said and done we will be paying less than $2k for our wedding. now we get to the alcohol. we’re having a semi-big wedding (150 people - we have a ton of friends and family coming from all over) and the idea of paying for all of that booze is making us stressed out. it’d be at least $1k. we thought about it and decided to do a cash bar. we figured we could buy the booze and pay one of my cousins to be bartender for the night, and we realized we could probably recoup some of our costs on the other wedding expenses by charging moderate prices for drinks - win-win! we were set on this idea until i brought it up with one of my bridesmaids and she flipped out and said that would be incredibly tacky. i was sort of taken aback by this. i’ve looked online and cash bars at weddings are pretty common. it seems ridiculous to pay to get everyone drunk. my other friends and family seem pretty split and i’m starting to wonder if this is actually a faux pas. am i the asshole?	5,542	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dfm7sx/aita_for_wanting_a_cash_bar_at_our_wedding/	2019-10-09 19:41:11	yta. it would be a different thing if you were to just sell the drinks at the price you bought them for and break even(which is still a little tacky) but instead, you are charging your friends and family more than the drink is worth in order to make a profit	so you're saying you already have a free venue, food, and entertainment... and also want to make a profit from your guests?? yta	yta no one including i'm guessing the bridesmaid had the problem with you having a cash bar but making money of it is distasteful, rude, cheap and even illegal. you could be sued for it if i'm not wrong. edit : also to add you're getting a free location, band, caterer (for 150 people) yet you are being stingy about it?	yta - big time a. “hey guys, come to our wedding so we can make money off you.” people spend an incredible amount of time and effort to attend weddings, especially if they’re from out of town. the least you can do is buy the drinks. and not to mention, you have months to save $1,000. it really isn’t that hard to pick up an extra job or extra shifts to make money. delivering pizzas for month will easily bring $1,000.	yta. not for having a cash bar but for thinking you can profit from your friends and family to recoup the cost of you incredibly cheap (because you're rather fortunate) wedding.	yta in general i think that the budget a couple sets for their wedding is totally up to them but i think your demeanor totally sets the tone here. you're having 150 people at your wedding where you're getting your ceremony for free, food. . .for free \[which is a huge fucking cost by the way for that amount of people, as somebody getting married in 4 days\], and the music. . .for free. you're asking your friends to drive to your wedding, very likely give you gifts \[which is very common\] and you have pretty much not spent a single dime on any of your guests. frankly at 150 people and at your current costs you're very likely to make money throwing this wedding and it's exceedingly tacky to literally spend not a dime on people you're inviting to celebrate your nuptials. in regards to hosted versus a cash bar in a normal situation what is accepted depends entirely on where you live and it sounds like it's tacky where you live.	yta for wanting to profit off your guests. they're there to celebrate with you, not to pay for your wedding.	yta. trying to pay for your wedding by profiting on the alcohol sold there is tacky as fuck. if you care so damn much about saving money, the better move would be to trim that 150 person guest list down.	yta not for wanting a cash bar, but for your reasoning. you're getting pretty much everything for free by asking friends and family to help you out. venue, food, band, etc. that's great! good for you for having awesome people in your life who are willing to put in their time, effort, and expertise to allow you to save a few bucks! but then you go and say you want to charge guests for drinks so that you can make some money off them. not cool. also, you might want to check liquor laws where you are because usually you need a liquor license to charge people for alcohol. so if you're going to costco and buying a shitload of bottles and beer, then charging your friends and family for it at your wedding, you're likely committing a crime. you're already saving a lot of money on this wedding, literally thousands of dollars, because of the generosity of friends and family. don't cancel all that goodwill out by charging people for drinks.	yta for the plan of buying alcohol and charging your friends. i'm not a huge fan of cash bars but that doesn't make you ta. buying and selling your own to make money makes yta.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: ok so me (f25) and my fiance (m24) are getting married next year and like many people our age we are pretty grossed out by the wedding industry and are trying to keep our wedding as cheap as possible. so for example we are having the ceremony and reception at my uncle’s farm (free of charge) out in the country, my good friend from college who owns a catering business agreed to do our catering for free as a wedding gift, and my fiancé’s good friends with a band that will play at our wedding for free also as a wedding gift. we got my dress and his suit from goodwill and got them altered. everything said and done we will be paying less than $2k for our wedding. now we get to the alcohol. we’re having a semi-big wedding (150 people - we have a ton of friends and family coming from all over) and the idea of paying for all of that booze is making us stressed out. it’d be at least $1k. we thought about it and decided to do a cash bar. we figured we could buy the booze and pay one of my cousins to be bartender for the night, and we realized we could probably recoup some of our costs on the other wedding expenses by charging moderate prices for drinks - win-win! we were set on this idea until i brought it up with one of my bridesmaids and she flipped out and said that would be incredibly tacky. i was sort of taken aback by this. i’ve looked online and cash bars at weddings are pretty common. it seems ridiculous to pay to get everyone drunk. my other friends and family seem pretty split and i’m starting to wonder if this is actually a faux pas. am i the asshole?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> ok so me (f25) and my fiance (m24) are getting married next year and like many people our age we are pretty grossed out by the wedding industry and are trying to keep our wedding as cheap as possible. so for example we are having the ceremony and reception at my uncle’s farm (free of charge) out in the country, my good friend from college who owns a catering business agreed to do our catering for free as a wedding gift, and my fiancé’s good friends with a band that will play at our wedding for free also as a wedding gift. we got my dress and his suit from goodwill and got them altered. everything said and done we will be paying less than $2k for our wedding. now we get to the alcohol. we’re having a semi-big wedding (150 people - we have a ton of friends and family coming from all over) and the idea of paying for all of that booze is making us stressed out. it’d be at least $1k. we thought about it and decided to do a cash bar. we figured we could buy the booze and pay one of my cousins to be bartender for the night, and we realized we could probably recoup some of our costs on the other wedding expenses by charging moderate prices for drinks - win-win! we were set on this idea until i brought it up with one of my bridesmaids and she flipped out and said that would be incredibly tacky. i was sort of taken aback by this. i’ve looked online and cash bars at weddings are pretty common. it seems ridiculous to pay to get everyone drunk. my other friends and family seem pretty split and i’m starting to wonder if this is actually a faux pas. am i the asshole? [/INST] yta. it would be a different thing if you were to just sell the drinks at the price you bought them for and break even(which is still a little tacky) but instead, you are charging your friends and family more than the drink is worth in order to make a profit </s>
AITA for uninviting my transgender sister to my wedding?	some background: i have a trans sister came out to us around a year ago but had been on hormones for longer and hid it from us until she had moved out into her own place, probably because our parents are very conservative and known to be transphobic. as a result, there was this huge fight and a ton of people in our family (including our parents) cut her off and don't talk to her anymore. i like to think i've been pretty supportive of her so far, using her pronouns and her name and all that (which has been hard, considering our fam gives me shit for doing so). i even make it a point to visit her every so often, while she hasn't seen most of our other family since last year. i also promised her that, if and when i got married in the future, she'd still be invited despite any tension with our family. me and my fiancé got engaged a while back. my parents (especially my dad) absolutely adore this guy, and since my sister came out, they've almost seen him as the substitute son. almost as a result, he's definitely more on their side of the situation, and he's made it clear he doesn't really agree with, or like, my sister all that much. after the proposal (which was very elaborate and surprising and orchestrated by my parents), my parents, who are wedding planners, started talking with me about planning the big day and even offered to pay for everything. i mentioned wanting to invite my sister, and they shut the idea down immediately, talking about how she disrespected the family and cut them off and all that. they basically gave me an ultimatum: have my wedding planned and paid for by them or have my sister there and they don't come at all. i took my parents' offer, because i can't really afford to pay for an entire wedding and because my fiancé pressured me to accept it. i broke the news to my sister, and she's very understandably upset, but i'm still inviting her to a smaller afterparty over zoom so we can still be together on the big day. i still feel really guilty about this, though, so, reddit, aita?	14,549	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rqiv9y/aita_for_uninviting_my_transgender_sister_to_my/	2021-12-28 15:54:19	yta why marry a transphobic guy	if it were me, i'd diy the whole thing to spite them. assholes like that don't need enabling. in ten years, what are you going to remember more - that you had nice centerpieces paid for by your parents, or your sister was banned from the wedding?	yta. "i'd like to think i'm very supportive of her". you aren't, you turned her away in favor of your toxic parents who are also ahs for some money.	yta - either you support your sister or you don’t. using her pronouns and “even visiting her every so often” (what a saint! /s) isn’t the incredible work you think it is. it’s truly the bare minimum. and with your parents giving you a check with strings shows that you can be bought off.	yta. how can you be okay with marrying somebody who is a bigot? is it because it doesn’t inconvenience you? do you feel anything about shunning your sister for mommy’s and daddy’s money?	yta --- your edit....... why post this if the thought of losing your parents money and love means more than losing your sister. whether or not yta doesn't even matter. you made your choice.	[deleted]	yta. it kinda goes further than the wedding thing tbh, if your parents disowned your sister for coming out and you still want to be supportive of her, it’s kinda weird that you’re okay with the man you’re marrying siding with the parents?	yta. so is your fiancé. so is your family. your fiancé has made it clear he doesn’t like your sister and is okay with being a “substitute son”? he’s not a substitute son. he’s a replacement child because your family is outcasting your sister. if you really loved and supported your sister, you wouldn’t tolerate this kind of behavior from the one you’re supposed to marry nevermind your family. people can’t choose family but you’re willingly and knowingly bringing in this person to hurt your sister more. and going back on your promise (which i’m sure meant a lot and felt like a big stand to her) as you celebrate bringing in that person just to compound all of it. but hey she can hop on zoom to see y’all having the extravagant fun your parents bribed you to exclude her with. salt in the wounds. don’t have what you can’t afford. is your “dream wedding” a big monetary day surrounded by whoever benefits you or a special and sentimental day surrounded by everyone you love? if going back on your promise and finalizing the wedge between your sister and your family is worth an 8 hour rental fondue fountain then, by all means.	perhaps ironically, given jk rowling’s rather questionable position on transgender people, i am reminded of two dumbledore quotes: > i takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends > there will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right. i can empathize the difficult position you may be in, but anybody can be supportive when there is no cost to them. yta for not being supportive when it actually matters.	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: some background: i have a trans sister came out to us around a year ago but had been on hormones for longer and hid it from us until she had moved out into her own place, probably because our parents are very conservative and known to be transphobic. as a result, there was this huge fight and a ton of people in our family (including our parents) cut her off and don't talk to her anymore. i like to think i've been pretty supportive of her so far, using her pronouns and her name and all that (which has been hard, considering our fam gives me shit for doing so). i even make it a point to visit her every so often, while she hasn't seen most of our other family since last year. i also promised her that, if and when i got married in the future, she'd still be invited despite any tension with our family. me and my fiancé got engaged a while back. my parents (especially my dad) absolutely adore this guy, and since my sister came out, they've almost seen him as the substitute son. almost as a result, he's definitely more on their side of the situation, and he's made it clear he doesn't really agree with, or like, my sister all that much. after the proposal (which was very elaborate and surprising and orchestrated by my parents), my parents, who are wedding planners, started talking with me about planning the big day and even offered to pay for everything. i mentioned wanting to invite my sister, and they shut the idea down immediately, talking about how she disrespected the family and cut them off and all that. they basically gave me an ultimatum: have my wedding planned and paid for by them or have my sister there and they don't come at all. i took my parents' offer, because i can't really afford to pay for an entire wedding and because my fiancé pressured me to accept it. i broke the news to my sister, and she's very understandably upset, but i'm still inviting her to a smaller afterparty over zoom so we can still be together on the big day. i still feel really guilty about this, though, so, reddit, aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> some background: i have a trans sister came out to us around a year ago but had been on hormones for longer and hid it from us until she had moved out into her own place, probably because our parents are very conservative and known to be transphobic. as a result, there was this huge fight and a ton of people in our family (including our parents) cut her off and don't talk to her anymore. i like to think i've been pretty supportive of her so far, using her pronouns and her name and all that (which has been hard, considering our fam gives me shit for doing so). i even make it a point to visit her every so often, while she hasn't seen most of our other family since last year. i also promised her that, if and when i got married in the future, she'd still be invited despite any tension with our family. me and my fiancé got engaged a while back. my parents (especially my dad) absolutely adore this guy, and since my sister came out, they've almost seen him as the substitute son. almost as a result, he's definitely more on their side of the situation, and he's made it clear he doesn't really agree with, or like, my sister all that much. after the proposal (which was very elaborate and surprising and orchestrated by my parents), my parents, who are wedding planners, started talking with me about planning the big day and even offered to pay for everything. i mentioned wanting to invite my sister, and they shut the idea down immediately, talking about how she disrespected the family and cut them off and all that. they basically gave me an ultimatum: have my wedding planned and paid for by them or have my sister there and they don't come at all. i took my parents' offer, because i can't really afford to pay for an entire wedding and because my fiancé pressured me to accept it. i broke the news to my sister, and she's very understandably upset, but i'm still inviting her to a smaller afterparty over zoom so we can still be together on the big day. i still feel really guilty about this, though, so, reddit, aita? [/INST] yta why marry a transphobic guy </s>
AITA for wanting to tell my stepdaughter's dad about the cameras my wife planted in his house while he was away?	i m34 got married to my wife claire 2 years ago, she has a 6 year daughter (my stepdaughter) that she shares custody of with her ex husband adam. so adam has not dated anyone eversince he and claire got separated, claire always talked about how this was a good thing because she believes that my stepdaughter is better off without a witch stepmom to boss her around and abuse her. then, adam started seeing his now girlfriend about 8 months ago, claire wasn't happy about it-in fact- she was livid that adam introduced my stepdaughter to his girlfriend so soon. claire demanded meetings with adam's girlfriend to test and see what kind of stepmom she will be for my stepdaughter, i didn't give it much attention because of the drama and always having mil involved as well. however, i very recently found out that claire installed several cameras in adam's house while he and his girlfriend were away on a trip, claire had the key to adam's house because most of my stepdaughter's stuff is there. keep in mind that i found out by looking at the chat claire had with mil so she was in on it too, it irked me because that is a total breach of privacy but when i confronted claire she said she did this because adam's girlfriend was going to move in soon and she wanted to see how she treats my stepdaughter, i told her this was wrong but she said it was all temporary til adam's girlfriend is in "the clear". i still wasn't convinced and suggested she remove the cameras because of the huge legal troubles once adam finds out but she lost her temper on me saying i should stay out of it because i clearly don't care about my stepdaughter's wellbeing and happiness, but she had no evidence or even reason to believe adam's girlfriend might mistreat my stepdaughter. claire said she just wants to "double check" and adam does not need to know. but i disagreed and said that i will tell him if she won't remove the cameras which made her lose it on me and get mil to shut me down and get me to stay in my lane but i couldn't. claire said if i tell adam then we gonna have a problem and urged me to mind my own business because adam isn't more important than my relationship with her so i shouldn't even entertain the idea of telling him and upsetting claire who is just trying to make sure her daughter's future stepmom isn't some witch stepmom in the making. i still want to tell him but given claire's reaction, i'm going to get hell for this and it may not be worth it since me and adam aren't on good terms.	20,346	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s0k2ul/aita_for_wanting_to_tell_my_stepdaughters_dad/	2022-01-10 13:30:49	nta, you need to tell him. this is illegal and you could get in trouble now if you knew and took no action.	nta - tell adam, this is a total breach of privacy. depending on the law in the country you are from you could have serious legal issues if adam finds out. i'd reconsider staying married to this woman if this is what she's willing to do. the goal doesn't justify the means.	nta - this is beyond crazy and quite frankly disturbing. if i were you, i would take a long hard look at your wife and ask yourself if she is really over the ex. the fact she celebrated him not having a relationship and moving on and how she reacted when the girlfriend came in to the picture. worse case scenario, she not over her ex. best case scenario, she is a controll freak with no boundaries. lots of red flags here, you should be very concerned.	nta- what she did was extremely illegal in most states and morally disgusting everywhere. you need to tell him. also, are there cameras in your house that you don’t know about?	dude, you already have a problem: your wife is batshit crazy. you need to tell her ex immediately if for no reason other than to protect yourself. nta and good luck, this is insane.	nta and you need to seriously consider if you want to stay in a relationship with someone who would be willing to break the law to spy on her ex husband. you have a moral obligation to tell adam the truth and yes, you will catch hell, but sometimes standing up for what is right is worth it.	nta and youre right to be concerned legally as well. i would tell him honestly.	info: what made you marry this... person	nta. ask claire what she wants to do when adam finds the cameras and she's in jail.	so... your wife has committed a crime...	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	INFO	NTA	null	0.00388	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i m34 got married to my wife claire 2 years ago, she has a 6 year daughter (my stepdaughter) that she shares custody of with her ex husband adam. so adam has not dated anyone eversince he and claire got separated, claire always talked about how this was a good thing because she believes that my stepdaughter is better off without a witch stepmom to boss her around and abuse her. then, adam started seeing his now girlfriend about 8 months ago, claire wasn't happy about it-in fact- she was livid that adam introduced my stepdaughter to his girlfriend so soon. claire demanded meetings with adam's girlfriend to test and see what kind of stepmom she will be for my stepdaughter, i didn't give it much attention because of the drama and always having mil involved as well. however, i very recently found out that claire installed several cameras in adam's house while he and his girlfriend were away on a trip, claire had the key to adam's house because most of my stepdaughter's stuff is there. keep in mind that i found out by looking at the chat claire had with mil so she was in on it too, it irked me because that is a total breach of privacy but when i confronted claire she said she did this because adam's girlfriend was going to move in soon and she wanted to see how she treats my stepdaughter, i told her this was wrong but she said it was all temporary til adam's girlfriend is in "the clear". i still wasn't convinced and suggested she remove the cameras because of the huge legal troubles once adam finds out but she lost her temper on me saying i should stay out of it because i clearly don't care about my stepdaughter's wellbeing and happiness, but she had no evidence or even reason to believe adam's girlfriend might mistreat my stepdaughter. claire said she just wants to "double check" and adam does not need to know. but i disagreed and said that i will tell him if she won't remove the cameras which made her lose it on me and get mil to shut me down and get me to stay in my lane but i couldn't. claire said if i tell adam then we gonna have a problem and urged me to mind my own business because adam isn't more important than my relationship with her so i shouldn't even entertain the idea of telling him and upsetting claire who is just trying to make sure her daughter's future stepmom isn't some witch stepmom in the making. i still want to tell him but given claire's reaction, i'm going to get hell for this and it may not be worth it since me and adam aren't on good terms.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i m34 got married to my wife claire 2 years ago, she has a 6 year daughter (my stepdaughter) that she shares custody of with her ex husband adam. so adam has not dated anyone eversince he and claire got separated, claire always talked about how this was a good thing because she believes that my stepdaughter is better off without a witch stepmom to boss her around and abuse her. then, adam started seeing his now girlfriend about 8 months ago, claire wasn't happy about it-in fact- she was livid that adam introduced my stepdaughter to his girlfriend so soon. claire demanded meetings with adam's girlfriend to test and see what kind of stepmom she will be for my stepdaughter, i didn't give it much attention because of the drama and always having mil involved as well. however, i very recently found out that claire installed several cameras in adam's house while he and his girlfriend were away on a trip, claire had the key to adam's house because most of my stepdaughter's stuff is there. keep in mind that i found out by looking at the chat claire had with mil so she was in on it too, it irked me because that is a total breach of privacy but when i confronted claire she said she did this because adam's girlfriend was going to move in soon and she wanted to see how she treats my stepdaughter, i told her this was wrong but she said it was all temporary til adam's girlfriend is in "the clear". i still wasn't convinced and suggested she remove the cameras because of the huge legal troubles once adam finds out but she lost her temper on me saying i should stay out of it because i clearly don't care about my stepdaughter's wellbeing and happiness, but she had no evidence or even reason to believe adam's girlfriend might mistreat my stepdaughter. claire said she just wants to "double check" and adam does not need to know. but i disagreed and said that i will tell him if she won't remove the cameras which made her lose it on me and get mil to shut me down and get me to stay in my lane but i couldn't. claire said if i tell adam then we gonna have a problem and urged me to mind my own business because adam isn't more important than my relationship with her so i shouldn't even entertain the idea of telling him and upsetting claire who is just trying to make sure her daughter's future stepmom isn't some witch stepmom in the making. i still want to tell him but given claire's reaction, i'm going to get hell for this and it may not be worth it since me and adam aren't on good terms. [/INST] nta, you need to tell him. this is illegal and you could get in trouble now if you knew and took no action. </s>
AITA for holding a text (I read by snooping) against my dad and stepmom for 6 years now?	when i was 13, i was using my dad's phone and i was dumb and very clearly wrong when i opened a text that popped up from my stepmom. she was a few months pregnant at the time. a few texts up i saw that my dad had sent a text saying: "alice (my mom) is being a bitch again. i'm so glad i get to have a baby with someone i actually love." to which my stepmom replied: "and i can't wait to have a kid without her awful genes mixed in." which my dad found very funny based on his response. the reason i remember these texts so clearly is because i sent a copy of them to my mom. i knew my dad and mom hated each other. but i felt extremely insulted and betrayed by the texts because they directly involved me. i refused to stay at my dad's house ever since and when my dad took my mom to court, i told the judge that i can't live with him anymore. my dad and stepmom spent a very long time apologizing. he does seem genuinely sorry because he has cried in front of me. but i can't really bring myself to forgive him. i also know i shouldn't have snooped. but i can't unsee those texts. aita?	21,562	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/laxxdo/aita_for_holding_a_text_i_read_by_snooping/	2021-02-02 15:18:33	nta you shouldn't have snooped (or forwarded on the messages), sure, but you were 13. > "and i can't wait to have a kid without her awful genes mixed in." your step-mom insulted your mum and you. and rather than defend his child from such an ugly comment he reacted with amusement. -------------------------------------------	nta. that’s no way for a parent to talk about their child. as a mother, i would never indulge a partner at the expense of my child, even if i thought they’d never find out. that’s inexcusable. for the record, you don’t have shitty genes, you have a shitty stepmom.	nta. he ruined his own relationship with you. it was dick move for him to laugh. you were 13, a little snooping can be excused. don't feel bad about it. you learned how they really saw you and got out of spending time with someone who alks about you like that. you were 13, they were grown adults. they should have known better. it wouldn't hurt for you to ask him why he didn't defend you. why he allowed her to insult you. but you don't have to. info: did step mom have anything to do with the divorce?	wow, i guess i am the only one who thinks esh. i am going to drop some hard truths. everyone who is in a crappy situation has made a dark humored joke. everyone. it helps us cope as humans in situations we have no control over. the amount of covid jokes i have said to make me get through this would horrify people if they found out. i do not mean them, but it is a coping mechanism. you unfortunately overheard one of these jokes and took it seriously and personally, so much so that in 6 years you have still not let it go. yes, they suck for saying it, but in the end, dealing with a divorce i don't think your dad meant it. you have seen him cry over this so i do believe that he did not mean it and is seriously sorry for it. please think about your past. have you ever said something that would hurt someone close to you? what would you do if someone secretly recorded you, and then aired it out to everyone. you would look like a monster. we all would. it is up to you to forgive, but just know that if this ever happens to you, you really deserve the same treatment that you are giving.	ordinarily, i would say that you shouldn't snoop but what they were saying was vile, especially your stepmother's snipe about your mother's genes. they're not sorry for what they texted. they're sorry they were caught. it is entirely up to you whether or not you can forgive them. nta.	nta your dad should have defended you, he's an asshole	nta she called your mom a bitch then called you half a bitch while putting her new baby on this pedestal. then your dad laughed about it. i wonder if he'll find it funny if the same things are said about the new kid.	nta. what a horribly hurtful thing to say, both he and his wife. you shouldn’t have read the text message, but he never should have said it in the first place. i’m so sorry, op. i’m not sure id be able to forgive either. his wife sounds resentful that you even exist and dad’s resentment towards your mom is fueling a lot of it.	nta. you were saving them the trouble of having to interact with your mom’s “awful genes”. even if the text was private, what kind of two faced person says that about a kid that they have in their care?	nta. a text from your stepmom popped up while you were using your dad's phone. should you have read it? no. but also, you were a kid; kids snoop. you ground them for it and you move on. it's not your fault the contents of that text were so horrible. your father and stepmother had a responsibility to be the adults in that situation and they failed in that responsibility. horribly so. to your dad's credit, it sounds like he knows this was his fault. forgiveness isn't something you can force. it has to come when you're ready. if you haven't already, you may want to consider talking to a therapist about all this. that was a traumatic thing to go through and there's nothing wrong with getting some help processing your feelings about it.	NTA	NTA	NTA	ESH	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0.010125	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: when i was 13, i was using my dad's phone and i was dumb and very clearly wrong when i opened a text that popped up from my stepmom. she was a few months pregnant at the time. a few texts up i saw that my dad had sent a text saying: "alice (my mom) is being a bitch again. i'm so glad i get to have a baby with someone i actually love." to which my stepmom replied: "and i can't wait to have a kid without her awful genes mixed in." which my dad found very funny based on his response. the reason i remember these texts so clearly is because i sent a copy of them to my mom. i knew my dad and mom hated each other. but i felt extremely insulted and betrayed by the texts because they directly involved me. i refused to stay at my dad's house ever since and when my dad took my mom to court, i told the judge that i can't live with him anymore. my dad and stepmom spent a very long time apologizing. he does seem genuinely sorry because he has cried in front of me. but i can't really bring myself to forgive him. i also know i shouldn't have snooped. but i can't unsee those texts. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> when i was 13, i was using my dad's phone and i was dumb and very clearly wrong when i opened a text that popped up from my stepmom. she was a few months pregnant at the time. a few texts up i saw that my dad had sent a text saying: "alice (my mom) is being a bitch again. i'm so glad i get to have a baby with someone i actually love." to which my stepmom replied: "and i can't wait to have a kid without her awful genes mixed in." which my dad found very funny based on his response. the reason i remember these texts so clearly is because i sent a copy of them to my mom. i knew my dad and mom hated each other. but i felt extremely insulted and betrayed by the texts because they directly involved me. i refused to stay at my dad's house ever since and when my dad took my mom to court, i told the judge that i can't live with him anymore. my dad and stepmom spent a very long time apologizing. he does seem genuinely sorry because he has cried in front of me. but i can't really bring myself to forgive him. i also know i shouldn't have snooped. but i can't unsee those texts. aita? [/INST] nta you shouldn't have snooped (or forwarded on the messages), sure, but you were 13. > "and i can't wait to have a kid without her awful genes mixed in." your step-mom insulted your mum and you. and rather than defend his child from such an ugly comment he reacted with amusement. ------------------------------------------- </s>
AITA for telling my mother that my step dad will not be walking me down the aisle because I hate him, and in turn ripping my family apart?	i (23) am getting married to my boyfriend of 6 years in june. we're having quite a large wedding (fiance has a big family, and we have a lot of friends), but my family is very small. my only family is my mom (never met my dad), and i have an aunt and uncle who are childfree. since i was little, having no father i always wanted my uncle to walk me down the aisle. my mom married my step dad when i was 12, and i've never liked him. he's a bully. he says horrible things to people, says racist, sexist, transphobic things for attention, and heavily contributed to my mental illness and eating disorder as a teenager. my mom knows that we don't get along, and she knows i didn't like him, but i gave up on confiding in her about how much i disliked him when i was around 15, because she would always insist that despite having a nasty mouth, he was a really good guy and he would never hurt us. so, it's been around 8 years since i've told my mom i hate him. i moved out when i was 19 with my boyfriend. i visit my mom maybe 3-4 times a week, i would try to time this around my step dad working so i wouldn't see him. as a result of seeing him less, i was more able to ignore his horribleness and we stopped arguing. i mostly stopped talking to him. he still refers to me as his daughter and my mother insists he loves me. it is not mutual, but everyone has assumed that i love him too and our relationship is just based on 'banter' rather than tormenting. so, when i got engaged, i asked my uncle almost straight away if he would walk me down the aisle. he was over the moon, but my aunt was like 'oh, you aren't picking step dad?' and i said no, i've always wanted uncle to do it. a few hours later, my mom called me crying asking why i wouldn't want step dad to do it, saying it's broken his heart. i told her that i've always dreamed of having uncle do it. she pressed on about how heartbroken he is, saying he always thought we had a good, funny relationship. this is where i feel like an ass. i said, 'there was nothing funny about him ruining my self esteem and teenage years. i hate him and if it were up to me, he wouldn't even be at the wedding'. my mom said that she's horrified that i still feel this way, once again spouting that he's a good guy and he loves me. i repeated that i hate the guy, and she said she'll tell him to back off. he's now angry at me and has asked my uncle not to walk me. my uncle is now not speaking to him, and i feel like i've torn what little family i have apart. aita?	24,806	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ekwwcq/aita_for_telling_my_mother_that_my_step_dad_will/	2020-01-06 17:06:00	nta. your wedding. he doesn't have to even be there. it's your day. you're making memories for your family. he's not part of that. the fact he's tried to ruin it by getting your uncle involved days a lot about him.	nta. it's your wedding. >if it were up to me, he wouldn't even be at the wedding' is the guest list not up to you...?	nta. i’m sorry. your mom has been going to a lot of trouble to convince herself everything has been fine. you don’t owe her that illusion. it’s lovely that you have a good relationship with your uncle. i hope you have a wonderful wedding day. (i’d recommend not jumping to “i’ve torn my family apart,” though, ok? you’ve just stopped drinking the kool aid. you’re not responsible for their reactions. don’t let them bully you into pretending and don’t take on more of this than what’s fair.)	nta. wow. >he's now angry at me and has asked my uncle not to walk me. way to demonstrate how his relationship with you has been funny banter instead of emotionally abusive	nta the step-dunce abused you. you have every right to choose who walks you down the aisle. they're trying to get you to feel guilty about it. don't fall into that trap.	nta it’s your wedding and you get to choose. your stepfather is out of line for contacting your uncle about this. you owe no one an explanation or justification. your decision is made and it’s not open for debate. next time your mother brings it up, shut it down; “my decision is made and i don’t want to discuss it.” if she persists, tell her that you’ll talk to her later and politely end the conversation. boundaries only exist if they’re enforced. i’m sorry this is happening to you.	> she would always insist that despite having a nasty mouth, he was a really good guy and he would never hurt us. i am the father of two wonderful, grown-up kids. if the best that can be said of a father is "he would never hurt us" that's just a shame. you are nta. i hope your wedding is the beginning of a wonderful life.	nta. though i do think it's time for you to have a long, honest talk with your mother about his past actions and how deeply they affected you, if things calm down enough. you don't have to include anyone in your wedding that you don't want to. your wedding is for you and your partner - you both deserve to have the wedding you wish. glad to hear that your uncle is standing by you on this.	nta - your mom was in denial. she shouldn't have married a man who gets along so poorly with her daughter.	[deleted]	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (23) am getting married to my boyfriend of 6 years in june. we're having quite a large wedding (fiance has a big family, and we have a lot of friends), but my family is very small. my only family is my mom (never met my dad), and i have an aunt and uncle who are childfree. since i was little, having no father i always wanted my uncle to walk me down the aisle. my mom married my step dad when i was 12, and i've never liked him. he's a bully. he says horrible things to people, says racist, sexist, transphobic things for attention, and heavily contributed to my mental illness and eating disorder as a teenager. my mom knows that we don't get along, and she knows i didn't like him, but i gave up on confiding in her about how much i disliked him when i was around 15, because she would always insist that despite having a nasty mouth, he was a really good guy and he would never hurt us. so, it's been around 8 years since i've told my mom i hate him. i moved out when i was 19 with my boyfriend. i visit my mom maybe 3-4 times a week, i would try to time this around my step dad working so i wouldn't see him. as a result of seeing him less, i was more able to ignore his horribleness and we stopped arguing. i mostly stopped talking to him. he still refers to me as his daughter and my mother insists he loves me. it is not mutual, but everyone has assumed that i love him too and our relationship is just based on 'banter' rather than tormenting. so, when i got engaged, i asked my uncle almost straight away if he would walk me down the aisle. he was over the moon, but my aunt was like 'oh, you aren't picking step dad?' and i said no, i've always wanted uncle to do it. a few hours later, my mom called me crying asking why i wouldn't want step dad to do it, saying it's broken his heart. i told her that i've always dreamed of having uncle do it. she pressed on about how heartbroken he is, saying he always thought we had a good, funny relationship. this is where i feel like an ass. i said, 'there was nothing funny about him ruining my self esteem and teenage years. i hate him and if it were up to me, he wouldn't even be at the wedding'. my mom said that she's horrified that i still feel this way, once again spouting that he's a good guy and he loves me. i repeated that i hate the guy, and she said she'll tell him to back off. he's now angry at me and has asked my uncle not to walk me. my uncle is now not speaking to him, and i feel like i've torn what little family i have apart. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i (23) am getting married to my boyfriend of 6 years in june. we're having quite a large wedding (fiance has a big family, and we have a lot of friends), but my family is very small. my only family is my mom (never met my dad), and i have an aunt and uncle who are childfree. since i was little, having no father i always wanted my uncle to walk me down the aisle. my mom married my step dad when i was 12, and i've never liked him. he's a bully. he says horrible things to people, says racist, sexist, transphobic things for attention, and heavily contributed to my mental illness and eating disorder as a teenager. my mom knows that we don't get along, and she knows i didn't like him, but i gave up on confiding in her about how much i disliked him when i was around 15, because she would always insist that despite having a nasty mouth, he was a really good guy and he would never hurt us. so, it's been around 8 years since i've told my mom i hate him. i moved out when i was 19 with my boyfriend. i visit my mom maybe 3-4 times a week, i would try to time this around my step dad working so i wouldn't see him. as a result of seeing him less, i was more able to ignore his horribleness and we stopped arguing. i mostly stopped talking to him. he still refers to me as his daughter and my mother insists he loves me. it is not mutual, but everyone has assumed that i love him too and our relationship is just based on 'banter' rather than tormenting. so, when i got engaged, i asked my uncle almost straight away if he would walk me down the aisle. he was over the moon, but my aunt was like 'oh, you aren't picking step dad?' and i said no, i've always wanted uncle to do it. a few hours later, my mom called me crying asking why i wouldn't want step dad to do it, saying it's broken his heart. i told her that i've always dreamed of having uncle do it. she pressed on about how heartbroken he is, saying he always thought we had a good, funny relationship. this is where i feel like an ass. i said, 'there was nothing funny about him ruining my self esteem and teenage years. i hate him and if it were up to me, he wouldn't even be at the wedding'. my mom said that she's horrified that i still feel this way, once again spouting that he's a good guy and he loves me. i repeated that i hate the guy, and she said she'll tell him to back off. he's now angry at me and has asked my uncle not to walk me. my uncle is now not speaking to him, and i feel like i've torn what little family i have apart. aita? [/INST] nta. your wedding. he doesn't have to even be there. it's your day. you're making memories for your family. he's not part of that. the fact he's tried to ruin it by getting your uncle involved days a lot about him. </s>
AITA for not giving my cat for adoption because my GF has a phobia?	my gf of two years is scared of cats, and i mean really scared of cats. i have had this cat for 7 years. at first when she came to my place i had to take the cat outside, close all windows or doors and make sure my cat didn't sneak up to play with me or something like that. long story short, she couldn't take it anymore and told me that she feels really uncomfortable knowing that there is a cat lurking around and that she wouldn't come to my place again if i didnt get rid of my cat. we tried therapy but it looks like the therapy is for me to cope with the loss of my pet., i don't want to give my cat away so last saturday we talked about this and broke up ..now i feel like shit for ruining my relationship. aita? [kitty](https://i.imgur.com/obgaopm.jpg) not knowing what is going on :( edit1: holly crap! i didn't expect this amount of response! thank you everyone for taking the time and leave your comment. it is hard to understand that things and plans sometimes doesn't work or go the way we want and that is fine, that is life. it is harder when feelings are involved.	20,693	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/huppsn/aita_for_not_giving_my_cat_for_adoption_because/	2020-07-20 17:39:03	nta. but personally if i had to choose between a pet of 7 years or a girl i’m choosing the pet 10/10 times.	nta, kitty was there first, and gf sounds like she needs the therapy if she is going to freak out about being anywhere near a cat. your cat is freakin adorable btw	nah. pets are forever. you've had your cat for five years longer than your gf and i'm not sure why you perused a relationship for so long with a huge red flag for both of you. you didn't ruin anything and neither did she unless she led you to believe that she would work on her phobia while you were together. you guys were simply incompatible.	nah pets are forever commitments and your gf can't help her phobia. it sounds like you two are just incompatible right now.	nta, it sounds like your living situation is not compatible. it's not reasonable for your girlfriend to expect you to get rid of a treasured pet. it's a sad thing but i think you made the best choice with the options you had.	she thought it was a better idea for you to give away your bf of 7 years as opposed to her getting therapy for an irrational fear...100% you are nta...	nta. one of the shitty things about life is that sometimes relationships end even though you care about each other, because you just couldn't overcome a basic incompatibility — like someone not wanting kids, or someone wanting to live in a different country, or someone being an asshole who expects people to abandon their pet in order to cater to their untreated phobia.	omfg, look at this cat. keep the cat, and find someone else who loves your kitty as much as you do.	nah. neither of you "ruined" the relationship--a relationship doesn't have to be ruined to just plain not work out.	nah phobias are hard to break and its understandable that she doesn't want to. however, you dont just abandon your pet either. you two are incompatible and you need to tell her as much.	NTA	NTA	NAH	NAH	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NAH	NAH	0.012269	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my gf of two years is scared of cats, and i mean really scared of cats. i have had this cat for 7 years. at first when she came to my place i had to take the cat outside, close all windows or doors and make sure my cat didn't sneak up to play with me or something like that. long story short, she couldn't take it anymore and told me that she feels really uncomfortable knowing that there is a cat lurking around and that she wouldn't come to my place again if i didnt get rid of my cat. we tried therapy but it looks like the therapy is for me to cope with the loss of my pet., i don't want to give my cat away so last saturday we talked about this and broke up ..now i feel like shit for ruining my relationship. aita? [kitty](https://i.imgur.com/obgaopm.jpg) not knowing what is going on :( edit1: holly crap! i didn't expect this amount of response! thank you everyone for taking the time and leave your comment. it is hard to understand that things and plans sometimes doesn't work or go the way we want and that is fine, that is life. it is harder when feelings are involved.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my gf of two years is scared of cats, and i mean really scared of cats. i have had this cat for 7 years. at first when she came to my place i had to take the cat outside, close all windows or doors and make sure my cat didn't sneak up to play with me or something like that. long story short, she couldn't take it anymore and told me that she feels really uncomfortable knowing that there is a cat lurking around and that she wouldn't come to my place again if i didnt get rid of my cat. we tried therapy but it looks like the therapy is for me to cope with the loss of my pet., i don't want to give my cat away so last saturday we talked about this and broke up ..now i feel like shit for ruining my relationship. aita? [kitty](https://i.imgur.com/obgaopm.jpg) not knowing what is going on :( edit1: holly crap! i didn't expect this amount of response! thank you everyone for taking the time and leave your comment. it is hard to understand that things and plans sometimes doesn't work or go the way we want and that is fine, that is life. it is harder when feelings are involved. [/INST] nta. but personally if i had to choose between a pet of 7 years or a girl i’m choosing the pet 10/10 times. </s>
AITA for talking to a girl in Swedish, who claimed she spoke it?	i'm swedish and have lived in the u.s for about 5 years. met my girlfriend 3 years ago and hit it off immediately. last week we celebrated her birthday and she had, like usual, invited friends to the party. one of them we can call linda. the evening was going well, we had talks, games and fun. my girlfriend and linda spoke about some new acquaintance from germany or something, and linda reached out aid said she had swedish heritage and was really proud because she spoke the language fluently because her "mormor" (grandma in swedish, mom's sida) taught her. well, you can imagine i was thrilled since the only times i get to speak swedish now is on the phone and online in chats with friends. so i proclaimed "ballt! då kan vi ju snacka lite svenska om du har lust. länge sedan jag fick prata svenska med någon i verkligheten!", which translates to "cool! then we can talk a bit swedish if you want. it's been a long time since i could speak swedish with somebody in real life!". she looked at me, and you could immediately tell from her expression "oh shit...". she tried to get back on track and said "sorry, you caught me off guard. i didn't know you were swedish. could you repeat that?", so i said "ja, jag tänkte att vi kunde snacka svenska lite granna?", which means "yeah, i thought would could talk a little swedish?". she then said "jag... eh, linda namn är... hur du mår?", which made it obvious that she knew a few words, but definitely not on a conversational level. she said "jag... eh, linda namn är... hur du mår?", which while understandable is not correct swedish. the correct sentence would be "jag heter linda, hur mår du?" for "my name is linda, how are you?". the rest of the night was... tense, to say the least. she kept looking at me like i had ruined her plan and made her the villain. i don't even care if she could speak it or not, i just wanted to talk to someone. evening went by and they all left. the next day, after my girlfriend had a talk with her, she explained that linda was really mad at me for "embarassing her" in front of everybody. i told my girlfriend that i did in no way do that, since all i did was ask her if she wanted to talk to me, and then i repeat myself since i thought she didn't hear me the first time. i thought she just hadn't "activated" her ear for other languages, which happens to me all the time. i get just as surprised and miss out on what is said if someone suddenly speaks in another language that i understand. now i'm the bad guy apparently. what do you think? aita?	18,626	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pefvot/aita_for_talking_to_a_girl_in_swedish_who_claimed/	2021-08-30 11:05:20	nta. she should have realised that there was a non-zero chance of this happening some day, and quietly retired the lie.	nta. linda is a liar.	nta, she's embarrassed yes but it's not your fault. that's the risk of claiming to speak a language you don't actually, you may get caught by someone who does. it's perfectly normal for you to get excited and want to speak with her. she's butt hurt because she was trying to look cool and ended up looking dumb	nta, i'll never understand why people lie about knowing languages when it's so easy to prove if they do or don't. "i know a bit of swedish from my mormor" is just as impressive and seems to be true, she didn't need to claim to be fully fluent.	y t a for not talking to her in swedish for the rest of the night 😂 i would have lol	nta! wouldn’t you be pissed if you hired a plumber who said they could fix your toilet , come to the house day of the job and then starts asking you what different tools are called?	nta you didn't do it out of malice or to be a dick so no. you were just excited which is perfectly understandable !! linda is a dick for lying she put herself in that position	nta, she embarrassed herself.	nta. she was caught out in a lie and is majorly embarrassed about it!	nta. i totally get the whole ‘other ear ‘ thing. if i don’t expect another language i understand i don’t understand it and need it repeated too.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	YTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0.024	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i'm swedish and have lived in the u.s for about 5 years. met my girlfriend 3 years ago and hit it off immediately. last week we celebrated her birthday and she had, like usual, invited friends to the party. one of them we can call linda. the evening was going well, we had talks, games and fun. my girlfriend and linda spoke about some new acquaintance from germany or something, and linda reached out aid said she had swedish heritage and was really proud because she spoke the language fluently because her "mormor" (grandma in swedish, mom's sida) taught her. well, you can imagine i was thrilled since the only times i get to speak swedish now is on the phone and online in chats with friends. so i proclaimed "ballt! då kan vi ju snacka lite svenska om du har lust. länge sedan jag fick prata svenska med någon i verkligheten!", which translates to "cool! then we can talk a bit swedish if you want. it's been a long time since i could speak swedish with somebody in real life!". she looked at me, and you could immediately tell from her expression "oh shit...". she tried to get back on track and said "sorry, you caught me off guard. i didn't know you were swedish. could you repeat that?", so i said "ja, jag tänkte att vi kunde snacka svenska lite granna?", which means "yeah, i thought would could talk a little swedish?". she then said "jag... eh, linda namn är... hur du mår?", which made it obvious that she knew a few words, but definitely not on a conversational level. she said "jag... eh, linda namn är... hur du mår?", which while understandable is not correct swedish. the correct sentence would be "jag heter linda, hur mår du?" for "my name is linda, how are you?". the rest of the night was... tense, to say the least. she kept looking at me like i had ruined her plan and made her the villain. i don't even care if she could speak it or not, i just wanted to talk to someone. evening went by and they all left. the next day, after my girlfriend had a talk with her, she explained that linda was really mad at me for "embarassing her" in front of everybody. i told my girlfriend that i did in no way do that, since all i did was ask her if she wanted to talk to me, and then i repeat myself since i thought she didn't hear me the first time. i thought she just hadn't "activated" her ear for other languages, which happens to me all the time. i get just as surprised and miss out on what is said if someone suddenly speaks in another language that i understand. now i'm the bad guy apparently. what do you think? aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i'm swedish and have lived in the u.s for about 5 years. met my girlfriend 3 years ago and hit it off immediately. last week we celebrated her birthday and she had, like usual, invited friends to the party. one of them we can call linda. the evening was going well, we had talks, games and fun. my girlfriend and linda spoke about some new acquaintance from germany or something, and linda reached out aid said she had swedish heritage and was really proud because she spoke the language fluently because her "mormor" (grandma in swedish, mom's sida) taught her. well, you can imagine i was thrilled since the only times i get to speak swedish now is on the phone and online in chats with friends. so i proclaimed "ballt! då kan vi ju snacka lite svenska om du har lust. länge sedan jag fick prata svenska med någon i verkligheten!", which translates to "cool! then we can talk a bit swedish if you want. it's been a long time since i could speak swedish with somebody in real life!". she looked at me, and you could immediately tell from her expression "oh shit...". she tried to get back on track and said "sorry, you caught me off guard. i didn't know you were swedish. could you repeat that?", so i said "ja, jag tänkte att vi kunde snacka svenska lite granna?", which means "yeah, i thought would could talk a little swedish?". she then said "jag... eh, linda namn är... hur du mår?", which made it obvious that she knew a few words, but definitely not on a conversational level. she said "jag... eh, linda namn är... hur du mår?", which while understandable is not correct swedish. the correct sentence would be "jag heter linda, hur mår du?" for "my name is linda, how are you?". the rest of the night was... tense, to say the least. she kept looking at me like i had ruined her plan and made her the villain. i don't even care if she could speak it or not, i just wanted to talk to someone. evening went by and they all left. the next day, after my girlfriend had a talk with her, she explained that linda was really mad at me for "embarassing her" in front of everybody. i told my girlfriend that i did in no way do that, since all i did was ask her if she wanted to talk to me, and then i repeat myself since i thought she didn't hear me the first time. i thought she just hadn't "activated" her ear for other languages, which happens to me all the time. i get just as surprised and miss out on what is said if someone suddenly speaks in another language that i understand. now i'm the bad guy apparently. what do you think? aita? [/INST] nta. she should have realised that there was a non-zero chance of this happening some day, and quietly retired the lie. </s>
AITA for not wanting to pay for my wife's spending money?	throwaway because people who know me are on here. before the birth of our daughter, my wife and i both worked full time in low-middle earning jobs with my wife earning a bit more than i but not by much. my wife returned to work out of necessity when our daughter was 3 months old. her mental health became pretty bad and she has a minor disability that makes work life a little hard and she found it a bit worse after having our daughter but we had to do what we had to do. my wife's nan who sort of raised her and was her only family passed away sadly when our daughter was 6 months old. my wife inherited everything she owned. it was a big inheritance. not enough for us both to immediately retire but a lot. enough for us to buy a decent house outright, a new car each and to put some away for a comfortable retirement. shortly after her nan died, my wife stopped working and became a stay at home mom. partially due to grief and struggles at her job, and a bit because she always would have preferred to stay home with our daughter. thing is though, i'd rather not work and be a stay at home dad too but i've been sucking it up because we still need an income to get by. my wife spoke with me recently about how to budget so we can live off just my income (she'd been dipping into savings to pull her weight but that's all tied up in investments now). i said if i'm the one who has to work (and i'd rather not) i don't think i should have to spend my money funding her hobbies and spending money. if she chooses not to work then she can buy clothes at the charity shop instead of new and get a friend to cut her hair for free etc. or she can get a job working a night shift or start an online business or something to fund her spending money. i don't see why i should have to pay for stuff like her sewing materials and gym membership since i don't benefit from them and they're not my responsibility. i'm happy to pay for stuff for our daughter seeing as she's my responsibility so i don't think i'm being unreasonable here. i work 36 hours a week and i already pay for the bills and food. she said that's not fair if i get to enjoy my gym membership and hobbies like video games but the difference is i'm paying for them with my money. my wife said her inheritance was worth more than if she spent her whole life working and without that, both of us would be working anyway and having higher expenses from paying a mortgage and car loans so i should count that as her contribution and share my money with her. aita?	10,461	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/x2466v/aita_for_not_wanting_to_pay_for_my_wifes_spending/	2022-08-31 04:27:16	yta you are aware that the inheritance belonged solely to your wife? right? she didn’t have to buy you a house, car or fund your retirement.	so your wife bought you a house, two cars, fully funded your retirement, and is raising your kid but you don't think you should pay for things she enjoys? maybe she should take back the house and cars.	yta. your wife paid for the house you live in & the car you drive but you won’t give her money to buy clothes or get her hair cut. wow, hypocrite much? fyi, your wife is working. she is taking care of your daughter & i suspect she is doing all the work to cook & clean & run the household, too. and did i mention that she gave you a house to live in & a car to drive? don’t be so cheap that you drive off your wife. when she leaves you, she’ll take the rest of her inheritance with her along with your daughter.	yta. you are a family and it is your responsibility to care for each other. she’s taking care of your child and you’re expecting her to beg people for free haircuts? humiliating. it’s not like she blew her inheritance on needless things for herself. she bought you a house and a car. and she is investing it, assumingly for a good future life for you, your daughter, and herself. be a partner.	so with her inheritance money she got you a new car but you don’t want pay for her gym membership or sewing? okayy, give her back the car so she can sell it and use that to fund her hobby. yta	yta you're completely out of line. she bought you a new car, she paid for the house you live in, she birthed your daughter. let's start with the clothes thing. restricting her from buying clothing from anywhere other than a second hand store is a way of making her feel like she's worthless, so nice job there. and the sewing stuff, maybe consider she could make clothes, fix clothes, make things she might choose to sell as a small home business as she raises your daughter? earning a little cash when she's established and feels confident. i'm sure she's not just filling the house she bought with ruffled pillows. you do understand that raising a child is a full time job right? feeding, cleaning, educating, giving them the attention they need. not to mention tidying the house, cleaning everyone's clothes, cooking etc do you go to your daughter when she cried at night? do night time feeds? burp/cuddle? interact with her for more than 30 seconds? 36hours a week, i remember my first part time job.	info: so, would you be upset if by your logic, she takes away the car she bought for you? because why should she fund your enjoyment? or is what you’re saying what’s hers is both of yours but what yours is just yours?	nta of course you should not have to pay for her hobbies. she can just take that out of the rent you pay to live in her house.	yta—inheritance is not marital property. you have a house because she paid for it and i’m guessing she doesn’t charge you rent. you have a new car because she bought it. she’s taking care of your child. she could’ve just kept all that money to herself and spent it on her hobbies. i hope she didn’t put you on the deed to the house or registration for either of the cars. remember you have what you have because of her. your ungrateful.	i feel like you should support your disabled, grief stricken homemaker of a wife a lot more. she's taking care of your home and child right? paying for childcare would wipe out her salary most likely.	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	INFO	NTA	YTA	null	0.097871	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: throwaway because people who know me are on here. before the birth of our daughter, my wife and i both worked full time in low-middle earning jobs with my wife earning a bit more than i but not by much. my wife returned to work out of necessity when our daughter was 3 months old. her mental health became pretty bad and she has a minor disability that makes work life a little hard and she found it a bit worse after having our daughter but we had to do what we had to do. my wife's nan who sort of raised her and was her only family passed away sadly when our daughter was 6 months old. my wife inherited everything she owned. it was a big inheritance. not enough for us both to immediately retire but a lot. enough for us to buy a decent house outright, a new car each and to put some away for a comfortable retirement. shortly after her nan died, my wife stopped working and became a stay at home mom. partially due to grief and struggles at her job, and a bit because she always would have preferred to stay home with our daughter. thing is though, i'd rather not work and be a stay at home dad too but i've been sucking it up because we still need an income to get by. my wife spoke with me recently about how to budget so we can live off just my income (she'd been dipping into savings to pull her weight but that's all tied up in investments now). i said if i'm the one who has to work (and i'd rather not) i don't think i should have to spend my money funding her hobbies and spending money. if she chooses not to work then she can buy clothes at the charity shop instead of new and get a friend to cut her hair for free etc. or she can get a job working a night shift or start an online business or something to fund her spending money. i don't see why i should have to pay for stuff like her sewing materials and gym membership since i don't benefit from them and they're not my responsibility. i'm happy to pay for stuff for our daughter seeing as she's my responsibility so i don't think i'm being unreasonable here. i work 36 hours a week and i already pay for the bills and food. she said that's not fair if i get to enjoy my gym membership and hobbies like video games but the difference is i'm paying for them with my money. my wife said her inheritance was worth more than if she spent her whole life working and without that, both of us would be working anyway and having higher expenses from paying a mortgage and car loans so i should count that as her contribution and share my money with her. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> throwaway because people who know me are on here. before the birth of our daughter, my wife and i both worked full time in low-middle earning jobs with my wife earning a bit more than i but not by much. my wife returned to work out of necessity when our daughter was 3 months old. her mental health became pretty bad and she has a minor disability that makes work life a little hard and she found it a bit worse after having our daughter but we had to do what we had to do. my wife's nan who sort of raised her and was her only family passed away sadly when our daughter was 6 months old. my wife inherited everything she owned. it was a big inheritance. not enough for us both to immediately retire but a lot. enough for us to buy a decent house outright, a new car each and to put some away for a comfortable retirement. shortly after her nan died, my wife stopped working and became a stay at home mom. partially due to grief and struggles at her job, and a bit because she always would have preferred to stay home with our daughter. thing is though, i'd rather not work and be a stay at home dad too but i've been sucking it up because we still need an income to get by. my wife spoke with me recently about how to budget so we can live off just my income (she'd been dipping into savings to pull her weight but that's all tied up in investments now). i said if i'm the one who has to work (and i'd rather not) i don't think i should have to spend my money funding her hobbies and spending money. if she chooses not to work then she can buy clothes at the charity shop instead of new and get a friend to cut her hair for free etc. or she can get a job working a night shift or start an online business or something to fund her spending money. i don't see why i should have to pay for stuff like her sewing materials and gym membership since i don't benefit from them and they're not my responsibility. i'm happy to pay for stuff for our daughter seeing as she's my responsibility so i don't think i'm being unreasonable here. i work 36 hours a week and i already pay for the bills and food. she said that's not fair if i get to enjoy my gym membership and hobbies like video games but the difference is i'm paying for them with my money. my wife said her inheritance was worth more than if she spent her whole life working and without that, both of us would be working anyway and having higher expenses from paying a mortgage and car loans so i should count that as her contribution and share my money with her. aita? [/INST] yta you are aware that the inheritance belonged solely to your wife? right? she didn’t have to buy you a house, car or fund your retirement. </s>
AITA for exposing my parents' favoritism	my parents have always favored my younger brother. i was by no means unloved. but it was blatantly obvious who they cared about more. i worked a part time job to get my first car, but my brother got one as a present. it wasn't new, but was much newer than my car. it was the same with just about anything else, like clothes, video games and cell phones. i'm 18 and am taking a gap year before community college to work a full time job and save money for tuition. but a while back i heard my parents talking about how much they were going to pay for my brother's tuition. i secretly recorded the conversation from around the corner and then came out asking my parents why they were gonna pay for my brother's college, but not mine. they didn't notice my phone was recording and just said that my brother needs more help. i asked how so when i wasn't getting any sort of scholarship, and he likely wouldn't either. then i asked a few more questions about why things have always been this way. they got mad and my father told me that perhaps it's time i moved out because they are sick of keeping a roof over my head. i pointed out i pay rent. but they didn't care. i left the room and in a fit of rage uploaded the video to two different social medias i have and ranted about how this is how my parents have always been. well a few hours my parents were pounding at my door. my dad was screaming at me about how i made them look bad. we fought some more and they left the room fuming. my grandparents contacted me later and said they were appalled, then came to visit with a lot of the family the next day. there was a huge family intervention and my parents were made to sit on the couch and look at their feet while being told off. it was then i found out they'd been receiving money for years from my grandparents to help with family expenses. my brother looked like he didn't know what to do. so he sided with the rest of the family and said he's noticed how i'm treated as well. my parents gave me a huge apology that sounded forced. my grandparents have offered that i come live with them soon and will cut off the monthly payments to my parents, my father told me i should have never told the rest of the family and now won't talk to me, and my mother has been crying for days. so i'm starting to wonder if i went to far. so aita for exposing my parents favoritism?	26,469	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qhedvt/aita_for_exposing_my_parents_favoritism/	2021-10-28 03:57:39	nta. your parents are just pissed because people know the truth about them and they’re no longer going to be receiving handouts from your grandparents. that’s what they’re really upset about: losing the free money. go live with your grandparents. they sound awesome with how quickly they backed you.	nta all the way!!! as someone who was cast aside because my parents favored my younger sibling over my brother and i, i applaud you loud and clear! go live with your grandparents if that's what you want or go stay with friends. i have a feeling you're going to be just fine and excel at whatever career you choose! you didn't "go too far." you conquered!!!	nta go live with your grandparents, save your money and get your education. you didn't cause this - they did. good luck and hugs	>now i feel like if i move in with my grandparents i may just be running away. running away from what, exactly? your parents are extracting rent from you instead of helping you with college fees. your grandparents are family too, and clearly care for you, which is more than you can say for your parents.	nta, they were given monthly payments for family expenses not their favorite child expenses. plus if they didn't do anything wrong, they wouldn't be upset about you telling the rest of the family nor would there be an intervention. favouritism is horrible and causes a lot of damage. i mean you are getting kicked for asking why your little brother was getting help and you weren't. i hope you take your grandparent's offer to move out and save money to pay tuition fees. oh, and don't feel guilty about anything. your parents made this bed and they have to lay in it not you.	nta don’t feel bad for those crocodile tears. they are not sad that they treated you poorly and favored one kid over the other, they are sad that they are being cut off from further financial help and that their shitty actions were exposed. they made their bed and now they can lay in it. go live with your grandparents, save your money and get your education. i’m glad you have family members that will care for you the way your parents should have been caring for you but chose not to.	imo nta, and hearing that your grandparents sent your parents money makes it even more so. they deserved to know that their money wasn’t being used properly and for what they intended/how they intended. you are nta because your parents are upset they have to face a consequence.	>there was a huge family intervention and my parents were made to sit on the couch and look at their feet while being told off. it was then i found out they'd been receiving money for years from my grandparents to help with family expenses. ooooooooo...that's a parents worst nightmare. total respect of authority shattered. they treated you like a burden and then you find out none of them are even remotely financially stable and are living beyond their means by doting on your younger brother. >my father told me i should have never told the rest of the family and now won't talk to me, and my mother has been crying for days petty of him, and pathetic of her, but not reason enough to make you the asshole. your parents were effectively leeching off their greater family and throwing money they didn't actually have at your brother just to coddle him. more than that they were mistreating you. they don't get to cry and complain about shattered respect or reputation when they obtained it through a false front. you're nta from my perspective. parents should not expect you to perform loyalty of silence out of some form of respect towards them when they don't respect you. a parent literally calling you a burden to your face is some seriously horrible mistreatment.	you’re 18 & you pay rent? & when you confronted them about paying for your brother’s education but not yours, they just said “ah well maybe you should move out then, we don’t want you here anymore”??? nta. i’m glad the rest of the family banded together (so quickly too!) to check your parents’ behavior. how they’re treating you is not okay. it’s disgusting. your parents are just upset because they got caught & are blaming you because they’re in denial about what they’ve done wrong. put some distance between you & your parents. take your grandparents up on their offer. depending on your relationship with your brother, i would have a serious conversation with him about all of this. he’s likely to feel some after-effects from the parents, & if your relationship with him is important, it’ll be good having laid everything out in the open so he’ll continue to have your back & avoid resenting you.	>they got mad and my father told me that perhaps it's time i moved out because they are sick of keeping a roof over my head. i pointed out i pay rent. but they didn't care. op, maybe you should have a talk with your grandparents on what happened during your birth. about why your dad is this hostile to you. is there something that happened at your birth that made him feel this way? no matter what, it's never your fault though. your parents esp dad are just sus. nta btw	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my parents have always favored my younger brother. i was by no means unloved. but it was blatantly obvious who they cared about more. i worked a part time job to get my first car, but my brother got one as a present. it wasn't new, but was much newer than my car. it was the same with just about anything else, like clothes, video games and cell phones. i'm 18 and am taking a gap year before community college to work a full time job and save money for tuition. but a while back i heard my parents talking about how much they were going to pay for my brother's tuition. i secretly recorded the conversation from around the corner and then came out asking my parents why they were gonna pay for my brother's college, but not mine. they didn't notice my phone was recording and just said that my brother needs more help. i asked how so when i wasn't getting any sort of scholarship, and he likely wouldn't either. then i asked a few more questions about why things have always been this way. they got mad and my father told me that perhaps it's time i moved out because they are sick of keeping a roof over my head. i pointed out i pay rent. but they didn't care. i left the room and in a fit of rage uploaded the video to two different social medias i have and ranted about how this is how my parents have always been. well a few hours my parents were pounding at my door. my dad was screaming at me about how i made them look bad. we fought some more and they left the room fuming. my grandparents contacted me later and said they were appalled, then came to visit with a lot of the family the next day. there was a huge family intervention and my parents were made to sit on the couch and look at their feet while being told off. it was then i found out they'd been receiving money for years from my grandparents to help with family expenses. my brother looked like he didn't know what to do. so he sided with the rest of the family and said he's noticed how i'm treated as well. my parents gave me a huge apology that sounded forced. my grandparents have offered that i come live with them soon and will cut off the monthly payments to my parents, my father told me i should have never told the rest of the family and now won't talk to me, and my mother has been crying for days. so i'm starting to wonder if i went to far. so aita for exposing my parents favoritism?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my parents have always favored my younger brother. i was by no means unloved. but it was blatantly obvious who they cared about more. i worked a part time job to get my first car, but my brother got one as a present. it wasn't new, but was much newer than my car. it was the same with just about anything else, like clothes, video games and cell phones. i'm 18 and am taking a gap year before community college to work a full time job and save money for tuition. but a while back i heard my parents talking about how much they were going to pay for my brother's tuition. i secretly recorded the conversation from around the corner and then came out asking my parents why they were gonna pay for my brother's college, but not mine. they didn't notice my phone was recording and just said that my brother needs more help. i asked how so when i wasn't getting any sort of scholarship, and he likely wouldn't either. then i asked a few more questions about why things have always been this way. they got mad and my father told me that perhaps it's time i moved out because they are sick of keeping a roof over my head. i pointed out i pay rent. but they didn't care. i left the room and in a fit of rage uploaded the video to two different social medias i have and ranted about how this is how my parents have always been. well a few hours my parents were pounding at my door. my dad was screaming at me about how i made them look bad. we fought some more and they left the room fuming. my grandparents contacted me later and said they were appalled, then came to visit with a lot of the family the next day. there was a huge family intervention and my parents were made to sit on the couch and look at their feet while being told off. it was then i found out they'd been receiving money for years from my grandparents to help with family expenses. my brother looked like he didn't know what to do. so he sided with the rest of the family and said he's noticed how i'm treated as well. my parents gave me a huge apology that sounded forced. my grandparents have offered that i come live with them soon and will cut off the monthly payments to my parents, my father told me i should have never told the rest of the family and now won't talk to me, and my mother has been crying for days. so i'm starting to wonder if i went to far. so aita for exposing my parents favoritism? [/INST] nta. your parents are just pissed because people know the truth about them and they’re no longer going to be receiving handouts from your grandparents. that’s what they’re really upset about: losing the free money. go live with your grandparents. they sound awesome with how quickly they backed you. </s>
AITA for not paying my employee for the week after she left early?	i'm posting this at the request of my teenaged daughter. i own a restaurant, and employ around 5 girls that work most nights. the employee in question (m) has been working with me for 6 years (my senior employee) and works 6 nights a week. she's an excellent and reliable worker, i even make her temporary manager when i can't make it into work a few times a year. last week, during the night with myself and two other girls, m got a call from her brother saying he had accidentally left their 4yo sister at home by herself, and he and their parents (i dont know where they were) wouldn't be back for at least two or three hours. of course, m panicked and told me that she had to leave. i initially was hesitant, but m wouldn't stop begging and even offered to not receive payment for the hours she had worked this week. i accepted then and she went home to look after her sister. when i told my daughter what had happened, she was shocked that i had agreed to not pay m. my view is that m was the one who wanted to go home for the 'family emergency' and she event suggested not getting paid. my daughter called me an asshole and stubborn, and a few other words i have punished her for. tl;dr - an employee of mine wanted to leave early because of a family emergency and said she didn't want to be paid for the week if i let her leave early. i accepted her offer, and my daughter is calling me an asshole.	6,930	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/fcnwhm/aita_for_not_paying_my_employee_for_the_week/	2020-03-03 02:46:48	yta. 1. you didn't want to let one of your best workers go attend to a neglected child. 2. you stole wages that were offered out of desperation and arguably under duress. asshole. asshole. asshole.	yta you put "family emergency" in quotes because you dont think a 4 year old left at home alone is an emergency??? what the fuck. its probably illegal that you didnt pay her for her hours last week too.	yta. she suggested it only because she saw no other way of getting home to the 4 year old. she put her family before her job as she should. sure, don't pay her for the time she wasn't at work, but pay her for while she was at work the rest of the week.	1. yta 2. your daughter rightfully thinks less of you 3. what you did is 100% illegal 4. whatever your daughter said to you is correct and you should apologize for punishing her 5. pay your employee for the time worked or i hoe she sues you because she'll win 6. stop being such an ah	yta- that’s infuriating and illegal. pay her or don’t be surprised if you get an anonymous tip to the labor board. i hope she takes on a job where her consistency and good work are better appreciated.	yta dont pay her for the hours she missed, but to refuse to pat her for any hours worked during the weem is not only an asshole move, but illegal and just down right scummy. i hope she finds a better job because your a horrible boss	i n f o: the pay for the week or the pay for the rest of the night?	yta how the hell did you not immediately tell her to leave? there was a four year old left home alone. the payment bs is just icing on your asshole cake.	wow! you probably don’t offer bonuses, 401k and adequate health care benefits and an exemplary employee had to beg you to “allow” her to leave during an emergency? this is the person that you trust with your business when you are out of town and you didn’t even consider paying her for the few hours she was gone? how do you even motivate your employees? i say this being a military and business leader for over 30 years. yta.	yta and i fully hope you're reported to the labour board of whichever country you're in. it doesn't matter how good or poor of an employee this person is, you're contractually obligated to pay them for the hours they've worked. you took full advantage of an emergency situation and showed zero compassion toward both a vulnerable child and her caretakers.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i'm posting this at the request of my teenaged daughter. i own a restaurant, and employ around 5 girls that work most nights. the employee in question (m) has been working with me for 6 years (my senior employee) and works 6 nights a week. she's an excellent and reliable worker, i even make her temporary manager when i can't make it into work a few times a year. last week, during the night with myself and two other girls, m got a call from her brother saying he had accidentally left their 4yo sister at home by herself, and he and their parents (i dont know where they were) wouldn't be back for at least two or three hours. of course, m panicked and told me that she had to leave. i initially was hesitant, but m wouldn't stop begging and even offered to not receive payment for the hours she had worked this week. i accepted then and she went home to look after her sister. when i told my daughter what had happened, she was shocked that i had agreed to not pay m. my view is that m was the one who wanted to go home for the 'family emergency' and she event suggested not getting paid. my daughter called me an asshole and stubborn, and a few other words i have punished her for. tl;dr - an employee of mine wanted to leave early because of a family emergency and said she didn't want to be paid for the week if i let her leave early. i accepted her offer, and my daughter is calling me an asshole.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i'm posting this at the request of my teenaged daughter. i own a restaurant, and employ around 5 girls that work most nights. the employee in question (m) has been working with me for 6 years (my senior employee) and works 6 nights a week. she's an excellent and reliable worker, i even make her temporary manager when i can't make it into work a few times a year. last week, during the night with myself and two other girls, m got a call from her brother saying he had accidentally left their 4yo sister at home by herself, and he and their parents (i dont know where they were) wouldn't be back for at least two or three hours. of course, m panicked and told me that she had to leave. i initially was hesitant, but m wouldn't stop begging and even offered to not receive payment for the hours she had worked this week. i accepted then and she went home to look after her sister. when i told my daughter what had happened, she was shocked that i had agreed to not pay m. my view is that m was the one who wanted to go home for the 'family emergency' and she event suggested not getting paid. my daughter called me an asshole and stubborn, and a few other words i have punished her for. tl;dr - an employee of mine wanted to leave early because of a family emergency and said she didn't want to be paid for the week if i let her leave early. i accepted her offer, and my daughter is calling me an asshole. [/INST] yta. 1. you didn't want to let one of your best workers go attend to a neglected child. 2. you stole wages that were offered out of desperation and arguably under duress. asshole. asshole. asshole. </s>
AITA? Neighbor says I'm making them uncomfortable being around their kids	this is my first time posting sorry if i mess anything up. i(40m) live in a somewhat rural place. decent land between houses, and a lot of forest. in between me and my neighbors land there's a decent sized pond. technically it's all on my land but one side of it is surrounded by neighbor land. there's a dock on it, i upgraded it about 15 years ago so it's somewhat nice. it's right next to the property boundary if that's important. i go down there somewhat often, i usually am down there for a few hours in the evening with my dog, my work computer, and sometimes a drink. my neighbors are in their late 20s/early 30s, moved in a few years ago. they have a pair of young kids, both under ten(i'd guess maybe 5/6 and 8/9). their backyard is not far from where i am in the evening, and neither yard is fenced in. every few days the kids come outside when i am down by the pond. i ignore them, but about a week ago my neighbors approached me and asked if i would go inside or somewhere else when their kids were outside. they said i made them feel uncomfortable letting their kids go in the backyard, and that their kids are also scared of my dog. i do not pay any attention to their kids, i usually am facing away from them, and never directly facing them. i do get why they would not want their kids outside alone with me nearby, as much as it sucks(because this seems to have been misunderstood, i am not on any registry nor do i have any criminal history, however i get that they may feel uneasy about their kids being around a man that they do not know very well). my dog is always tied up when he's on the dock with me. he never barks when we're down there usually he naps. he is a fairly large dog(75-80 pounds), but there is almost no chance he could or would hurt them. they also expressed concern about me drinking. i do not get anywhere near the point of being intoxicated, it's at most 1 drink when i do have it(and i have it maybe a couple times a month). i told them that i appreciate them reaching out to me but i'm not going to stop. this week i kept doing it, and i got a somewhat angry letter. i'm honestly starting to doubt if i should just head inside when they come out. aita for not listening to them and wibta if i kept doing what i'm doing?	18,438	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p8yldh/aita_neighbor_says_im_making_them_uncomfortable/	2021-08-21 20:23:52	nta. if they send another nasty letter, get a solicitor to send a cease and desist letter. they're harassing you and trying to dictate what you do on your own land. unreal.	[deleted]	how dare you enjoy a nice evening in your own backyard. think of the children that will watch you type something on your computer, or drink something. nta if they want to not see you that much, they can build a fence. you arent streaking or getting wasted so they have no right to tell you what you can and cant do on your property.	nta. put up no trespassing signs and make the parents aware that you cannot be responsible for the kids being on your property. you are worried that the children could fall into the pond or that the dog may misinterpret their presence. you need to protect yourself against a future lawsuit if one of them were to drown. make it known in no uncertain terms that the children aren't welcome unaccompanied on your property and that you have signs posted. they are old enough to read. i'm a former paralegal, by the way. you have what is known as an 'attractive nuisance' on your land, and if something were to happen, well, you and/or your insurance are going to be on the hook.	nta. it’s your dock and your property. how entitled can they be?	if you’re on your own land and not interacting or going near their children then they have no right to tell you you can’t sit on your own dock and have a drink quietly in the evening with your restrained dog next to you. we had neighbours once who’s teenage son had a literal circle jerk with his buddies around the fire pit that was next to the chain link fence separating our properties. now that was a problem 😐	nta. if they had a problem with seeing a guy and his dog on a dock, they shouldnt have bought a house that overlooks a pond and dock. or budgeted for a privacy fence around their back yard area.	nta. its your dock to sit on if you want. they can build a fence. their kids make me uncomfortable.	nta at all! it's your property. they have no business telling you what to do so long as you aren't invading their privacy or causing them harm. i would casually, in a civil tone, tell them that it is your property, and you are not interacting with their kids, or them in any way. remind them you're simply working from home outside when it's nice, and your dog also needs fresh air and time outside of the house under your supervision. remind them you are not interacting with their kids, and your dog is appropriately contained and no threat to them. advise them that if they still, for some reason, have issue with this, you can refer them to a contractor that will help them get a fence built separating the properties. otherwise, you aren't even interacting with them, so they can keep it to themselves, or take their kids out when you aren't outside if it's such a big deal.	nta. sounds like heaven to me, don't let them interfere in your enjoyment of life.	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: this is my first time posting sorry if i mess anything up. i(40m) live in a somewhat rural place. decent land between houses, and a lot of forest. in between me and my neighbors land there's a decent sized pond. technically it's all on my land but one side of it is surrounded by neighbor land. there's a dock on it, i upgraded it about 15 years ago so it's somewhat nice. it's right next to the property boundary if that's important. i go down there somewhat often, i usually am down there for a few hours in the evening with my dog, my work computer, and sometimes a drink. my neighbors are in their late 20s/early 30s, moved in a few years ago. they have a pair of young kids, both under ten(i'd guess maybe 5/6 and 8/9). their backyard is not far from where i am in the evening, and neither yard is fenced in. every few days the kids come outside when i am down by the pond. i ignore them, but about a week ago my neighbors approached me and asked if i would go inside or somewhere else when their kids were outside. they said i made them feel uncomfortable letting their kids go in the backyard, and that their kids are also scared of my dog. i do not pay any attention to their kids, i usually am facing away from them, and never directly facing them. i do get why they would not want their kids outside alone with me nearby, as much as it sucks(because this seems to have been misunderstood, i am not on any registry nor do i have any criminal history, however i get that they may feel uneasy about their kids being around a man that they do not know very well). my dog is always tied up when he's on the dock with me. he never barks when we're down there usually he naps. he is a fairly large dog(75-80 pounds), but there is almost no chance he could or would hurt them. they also expressed concern about me drinking. i do not get anywhere near the point of being intoxicated, it's at most 1 drink when i do have it(and i have it maybe a couple times a month). i told them that i appreciate them reaching out to me but i'm not going to stop. this week i kept doing it, and i got a somewhat angry letter. i'm honestly starting to doubt if i should just head inside when they come out. aita for not listening to them and wibta if i kept doing what i'm doing?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> this is my first time posting sorry if i mess anything up. i(40m) live in a somewhat rural place. decent land between houses, and a lot of forest. in between me and my neighbors land there's a decent sized pond. technically it's all on my land but one side of it is surrounded by neighbor land. there's a dock on it, i upgraded it about 15 years ago so it's somewhat nice. it's right next to the property boundary if that's important. i go down there somewhat often, i usually am down there for a few hours in the evening with my dog, my work computer, and sometimes a drink. my neighbors are in their late 20s/early 30s, moved in a few years ago. they have a pair of young kids, both under ten(i'd guess maybe 5/6 and 8/9). their backyard is not far from where i am in the evening, and neither yard is fenced in. every few days the kids come outside when i am down by the pond. i ignore them, but about a week ago my neighbors approached me and asked if i would go inside or somewhere else when their kids were outside. they said i made them feel uncomfortable letting their kids go in the backyard, and that their kids are also scared of my dog. i do not pay any attention to their kids, i usually am facing away from them, and never directly facing them. i do get why they would not want their kids outside alone with me nearby, as much as it sucks(because this seems to have been misunderstood, i am not on any registry nor do i have any criminal history, however i get that they may feel uneasy about their kids being around a man that they do not know very well). my dog is always tied up when he's on the dock with me. he never barks when we're down there usually he naps. he is a fairly large dog(75-80 pounds), but there is almost no chance he could or would hurt them. they also expressed concern about me drinking. i do not get anywhere near the point of being intoxicated, it's at most 1 drink when i do have it(and i have it maybe a couple times a month). i told them that i appreciate them reaching out to me but i'm not going to stop. this week i kept doing it, and i got a somewhat angry letter. i'm honestly starting to doubt if i should just head inside when they come out. aita for not listening to them and wibta if i kept doing what i'm doing? [/INST] nta. if they send another nasty letter, get a solicitor to send a cease and desist letter. they're harassing you and trying to dictate what you do on your own land. unreal. </s>
AITA for eating sushi in front of my pregnant wife?	before my wife got pregnant, we used to go out to the same sushi place and order the same thing, but our usual order has raw fish, so she can't eat it now. she also can't drink obviously, which we used to do here. we went to the same restaurant because she still loves japanese food but she has to order something different. she asked me if i would not order our usual because it makes her sad that she can't eat it, but i'm a picky eater so i ordered it anyway because i don't really like trying new things, especially sushi which can be hit or miss. she told me i was being inconsiderate for eating the things she can't in front of her. aita?	3,823	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ahpper/aita_for_eating_sushi_in_front_of_my_pregnant_wife/	2019-01-19 20:09:54	yta - you took her to a sushi place and she asked if you could at least order something she didn’t have to lust after and you couldn’t even change your order to make your hormonal, pregnant wife less sad. damn man, just go to olive garden next time.	yta you should put some consideration into your wife who is growing a human instead of your pickiness. what are you, twelve?	yta. the woman is carrying your child and dealing with all the physical and mental stress that brings with it and you couldn't even be a big boy enough to order something that wasn't your first choice. "i'm a picky eater" - you're a grown man, not a toddler. you need to figure out a way to grow the fuck up fast before your child arrives.	you left some pretty major details out of your story telling that add some pretty important context to this story, op. so let’s lay out some facts as fully revealed in your comments - you knew your wife’s doctor had said no raw fish - you nevertheless decided to surprise her by taking her to your mutual favourite sushi restaurant - she requested that you not eat your usual meal in front of her because it would make her sad (so to recap, you brought her here without her knowledge knowing full well she couldn’t eat her favourite meal and basically asked you not to taunt her with it) - you said no and ordered it anyway there was a stunning lack of consideration about your wife’s thoughts, needs, emotions and pregnancy limitations in this chain of decision making, on a level that makes me seriously question your quality as a partner. yta, big time.	yta,you chose picky eating over your pregnant wife's wishes	yta without a doubt. she is giving up a lot to carry and birth this child and you can't forgo one meal?	~~info~~. when did she ask you not to order and did you agree then order what you wanted? &#x200b; ~~n t a. this should have been a conversation before they sat down to eat. side note, hibachi is always a good choice. its basically a stir fry with your choice of meat, veggies and rice or noddles~~ &#x200b; yta. wow you took her there knowing full well she couldn't have sushi?! it would have been different if it was her choice. but you took her there and ate sushi in front of her even though she asked you not to. that is a a move. you are a pretty good manipulator though, you purposely gave just enough information to imply it was all her choice. terrible.	yes, yta. your hormonal pregnant wife asked you to do her a favor and you threw it in her face. i agree with her, you were definitely inconsiderate.	yta. she’s carrying your child and making a huge sacrifice (being physically sick, constipated, in pain and can’t eat a lot of things) and you’re being a huge asshole by refusing to make one adjustment to your diet for 8 months. like i honestly can’t even understand why you think you’re not the asshole in this situation. be kind and loving to your poor wife jeez....	yta- while i never asked my husband not to eat or drink things i could 't during my 2 pregnancies. he was considerate of the sacrifices i was making. your wife was struggling with the burden of carrying a baby that is both of yours, and instead of showing support you essentially said, "i don't care."	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	INFO	YTA	YTA	YTA	0.003	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: before my wife got pregnant, we used to go out to the same sushi place and order the same thing, but our usual order has raw fish, so she can't eat it now. she also can't drink obviously, which we used to do here. we went to the same restaurant because she still loves japanese food but she has to order something different. she asked me if i would not order our usual because it makes her sad that she can't eat it, but i'm a picky eater so i ordered it anyway because i don't really like trying new things, especially sushi which can be hit or miss. she told me i was being inconsiderate for eating the things she can't in front of her. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> before my wife got pregnant, we used to go out to the same sushi place and order the same thing, but our usual order has raw fish, so she can't eat it now. she also can't drink obviously, which we used to do here. we went to the same restaurant because she still loves japanese food but she has to order something different. she asked me if i would not order our usual because it makes her sad that she can't eat it, but i'm a picky eater so i ordered it anyway because i don't really like trying new things, especially sushi which can be hit or miss. she told me i was being inconsiderate for eating the things she can't in front of her. aita? [/INST] yta - you took her to a sushi place and she asked if you could at least order something she didn’t have to lust after and you couldn’t even change your order to make your hormonal, pregnant wife less sad. damn man, just go to olive garden next time. </s>
AITA for refusing to cook meat when my husband broke our (lonely) daughter’s only friendship because he hates vegans?	obligatory throwaway because i don’t want angry vegans in my inbox.my husband is from the south and let me just say this, he hates vegans. his family is a stereotypical country one and they get ridiculously mad when they see beyond meat etc adverts on the tv. they’re practically vegan phobic and hate any menu which says suitable for vegetarians or vegans etc. this never really bothered me and i thought it was funny because i ate meat and i didnt think it was a big deal. my daughter (now6) was born allergic to a lot of things, like eggs and is also intolerant to lactose and grass, pollen etc. she rarely got to go to birthday parties because we couldn’t let her eat anything there. when she was a baby my husband ate an egg sandwich and kissed her and she broke out in hives and we had to take her to the doctor. all new foods were tried under medical supervision. while she can eat meat she can’t eat any fun meat like nuggets because of egg contact. one of the kids she recently met with is our new neighbour who is around four houses away. they are completely vegan and their son doesn’t eat anything they don’t. so at his birthday she could eat the actual cake and not a muffin i’d sent. it cheered her up and they had play dates even when we weren’t supposed to. i was glad she made a friend. his parents hadn’t called for a while and didn’t pick up ours. when i saw his dad while i was out i was like ‘hey what’s wrong‘ and he was really hostile, telling me to never talk to him or his wife again and that he’d pray for my daughter. i thought that was crossing the line. he pulled his phone out and showed me a very rude text from my husband. i didn’t believe his story that my husband started a fight, but when i asked him about it he was proud that shelia wasn’t hanging out with hippies. i remembered the vegan hate and i was like until he apologized to that family and they agreed to let their kid play with ours i’d never cook meat again. he said i needed to get over it and do my job but i am cooking, just not what he would like. aita	26,147	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kajk15/aita_for_refusing_to_cook_meat_when_my_husband/	2020-12-10 17:23:38	nta and wha.... a spouse telling me to "do your job" in reference to a household chore would put me right on strike. i wouldn't stop cooking meat for the guy, i'd stop cooking for him. he sounds like an objectively horrible person to be so callous toward your daughter's friendship and so proud of picking a fight and insulting others. of course, the fact that you thought this kind of hatred was just sort of funny until it impacted your child makes me wonder a little about you....	n t a, but i almost want to call you the asshole for staying with someone so nasty. your husband literally ruined your daughter's one friendship over something insanely petty, and your only way of dealing with that is not cooking him meat? that sounds like an insane underreaction to me. esh because it's pretty clear op doesn't actually care much to ~~correct~~ deal with (poor word choice on correct) her husband's behavior and defends him at every turn.	esh except the vegan family and your daughter. i’ve read your comments and you make so many excuses for your husband. you excused his hate for vegans and his behavior until it personally impacted you. i wonder what else you excuse because it hasn’t personally impacted you. your husband is an ah for obvious reasons.	you don’t want angry vegans in your inbox, but you married into a family that gets “ridiculously mad” at tv adverts and they hate menus?! christ. i’ve never been that mad at either of those things. you’re nta but it’s worrying that your husband has put his own rage, stupidity and fragile masculinity ahead of his own daughters serious dietary restrictions	esh you didn’t have a problem with your bully of a husband until your child had to suffer the consequences. you’re just as pathetic as he is.	nta, it's kinda, teensy bit petty, but so is being proud that you ruined your 6 year old kid's only safe friendship!!! wtf. my son is ridiculously allergic to gluten. like i get that people think gluten-free diets are fads and to be mocked along the same sides as veganism but my kid would literally break out in hives if he put his arms on the desks at school when he was in kindergarten unless they got wiped down first. it's bad, and people think you are blowing it out of proportion or you're some new age freak instead of a parent who doesn't want their kid to have to use an epipen today. my wife, coincidentally enough is allergic to eggs, so we literally can't eat anywhere. when we find people willing to accommodate us and really understand us it's a godsend, and i can't believe someone would ruin that for you and your daughter, and that someone is your husband. the rules of this forum prohibit me from saying what i'd actually suggest you do to your husband, so i'm glad he's gotta be unintentionally vegan. i just worry if he's that obtuse you're putting yourself in harm's way when he doesn't get his way.	nta. also: couples counseling is probably cheaper than divorce and it sounds like you need one or the other.	nta why are you still with him	well, you sound like a doormat for your sexist pig of a husband. esh, except your daughter. your husband clearly sucks because of his attitudes towards everything. you suck for enabling his attitudes, and i kinda think the neighbor sucks a little too for banning a child from his house because of what the idiot father said. neighbor sucks the least. op, you suck the most for allowing shitty behavior for so long until it directly affected your child.	nta. your husband is not only an embarrassment, but a complete asshole. he went out of his way to antagonize his seemingly pleasant neighbors because of their diet and has no remorse for destroying your daughters only friendship. your husbands "pride" of his hatred towards others is pathetic.	NTA	NTA	ESH	NTA	ESH	NTA	NTA	NTA	ESH	NTA	0.139196	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: obligatory throwaway because i don’t want angry vegans in my inbox.my husband is from the south and let me just say this, he hates vegans. his family is a stereotypical country one and they get ridiculously mad when they see beyond meat etc adverts on the tv. they’re practically vegan phobic and hate any menu which says suitable for vegetarians or vegans etc. this never really bothered me and i thought it was funny because i ate meat and i didnt think it was a big deal. my daughter (now6) was born allergic to a lot of things, like eggs and is also intolerant to lactose and grass, pollen etc. she rarely got to go to birthday parties because we couldn’t let her eat anything there. when she was a baby my husband ate an egg sandwich and kissed her and she broke out in hives and we had to take her to the doctor. all new foods were tried under medical supervision. while she can eat meat she can’t eat any fun meat like nuggets because of egg contact. one of the kids she recently met with is our new neighbour who is around four houses away. they are completely vegan and their son doesn’t eat anything they don’t. so at his birthday she could eat the actual cake and not a muffin i’d sent. it cheered her up and they had play dates even when we weren’t supposed to. i was glad she made a friend. his parents hadn’t called for a while and didn’t pick up ours. when i saw his dad while i was out i was like ‘hey what’s wrong‘ and he was really hostile, telling me to never talk to him or his wife again and that he’d pray for my daughter. i thought that was crossing the line. he pulled his phone out and showed me a very rude text from my husband. i didn’t believe his story that my husband started a fight, but when i asked him about it he was proud that shelia wasn’t hanging out with hippies. i remembered the vegan hate and i was like until he apologized to that family and they agreed to let their kid play with ours i’d never cook meat again. he said i needed to get over it and do my job but i am cooking, just not what he would like. aita	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> obligatory throwaway because i don’t want angry vegans in my inbox.my husband is from the south and let me just say this, he hates vegans. his family is a stereotypical country one and they get ridiculously mad when they see beyond meat etc adverts on the tv. they’re practically vegan phobic and hate any menu which says suitable for vegetarians or vegans etc. this never really bothered me and i thought it was funny because i ate meat and i didnt think it was a big deal. my daughter (now6) was born allergic to a lot of things, like eggs and is also intolerant to lactose and grass, pollen etc. she rarely got to go to birthday parties because we couldn’t let her eat anything there. when she was a baby my husband ate an egg sandwich and kissed her and she broke out in hives and we had to take her to the doctor. all new foods were tried under medical supervision. while she can eat meat she can’t eat any fun meat like nuggets because of egg contact. one of the kids she recently met with is our new neighbour who is around four houses away. they are completely vegan and their son doesn’t eat anything they don’t. so at his birthday she could eat the actual cake and not a muffin i’d sent. it cheered her up and they had play dates even when we weren’t supposed to. i was glad she made a friend. his parents hadn’t called for a while and didn’t pick up ours. when i saw his dad while i was out i was like ‘hey what’s wrong‘ and he was really hostile, telling me to never talk to him or his wife again and that he’d pray for my daughter. i thought that was crossing the line. he pulled his phone out and showed me a very rude text from my husband. i didn’t believe his story that my husband started a fight, but when i asked him about it he was proud that shelia wasn’t hanging out with hippies. i remembered the vegan hate and i was like until he apologized to that family and they agreed to let their kid play with ours i’d never cook meat again. he said i needed to get over it and do my job but i am cooking, just not what he would like. aita [/INST] nta and wha.... a spouse telling me to "do your job" in reference to a household chore would put me right on strike. i wouldn't stop cooking meat for the guy, i'd stop cooking for him. he sounds like an objectively horrible person to be so callous toward your daughter's friendship and so proud of picking a fight and insulting others. of course, the fact that you thought this kind of hatred was just sort of funny until it impacted your child makes me wonder a little about you.... </s>
AITA for telling my gf to stop making excuses and clean her apartment?	my (22m) gf (19f) crochets quite a lot and i've encouraged her to start like an etsy shop or something but she hasn't. the issue is that she spends all this money on yarn (even though she always buys the really cheap big rolls at michaels), it adds up. instead of making something that someone would actually want as a gift like a dish cloth, blanket, sweater, etc., she choses to make these dumb little stuffed animals. the other day she finished crocheting a 13 ft long daschund so she has these baskets and shelves of these stuffed animals that she refuses to give away or sell, but also hardly uses after they're done. the other day, she was hanging around her apartment and it was a mess. she claims her roommate made the mess, but i guess she was just hanging out in it. instead of cleaning it, she's crocheting. when i brought up the mess, she said her roommate would clean it up and proceeded to pull this binder she has full of polaroids of her finished project and each of their names and was talking about them. i couldn't stand it and i snapped and told her she needed to focus on cleaning up and that i didn't care about her toys. she said her roommate would and i told her that she is acting like a child. by the time i left she was crying. it's been almost a week now and she isn't answering my messages. aita here for wanting her to live in a clean apartment?	3,751	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/sxz4yc/aita_for_telling_my_gf_to_stop_making_excuses_and/	2022-02-21 17:29:29	yta. i hope your girlfriend dumps you and finds a nice boyfriend who supports her cool hobbies. and that you never have a girlfriend again until you change your fundamental attitude towards women, because you’re an asshole.	>it's been almost a week now and she isn't answering my messages. &#x200b; so what are you complaining about? she took out the trash, just like you wanted. &#x200b; yta.	yta it's not your house so you don't get to tell her how to live in it. you have a right to not go there if it bothers you. you sound controlling and overbearing. for her sake i hope she's ghosted you permanently.	yta, and this post is all over the place. she obviously doesn't want to start an etsy shop and wants to let her hobby remain a hobby. stop pushing her to do thing just because you think she should. you aren't her parent. and tbh, sounds like you aren't her boyfriend anymore, either.	a 13 foot long daschund? yta, big time.	[deleted]	i’m mainly confused about why you’re calling her your gf? i mean she’s obviously your ex now so	>i couldn't stand it and i snapped and told her she needed to focus on cleaning up and that i didn't care about her toys. she said her roommate would and i told her that she is acting like a child yta. quite bold of bold of you to say someone is acting like a child after throwing a tantrum that their apartment wasn't clean enough for you.	yta. sounds like you can’t let your girlfriend enjoy something that clearly makes her very happy. it’s not her mess, so why should she clean it?	yta, big time. 1, you come off as controlling because your tone implies that she needs to make money from her hobby in order for it to be valid. 2, you clearly don't support her interests by deciding that because she's making stuffed animals her skills are useless. 3, she told you it's her roommate's mess and if that's the case, it really isn't her responsibility to clean it. 4, even if it is her mess, unless it's literally endangering her (like mold or similar) or is similar to a hoarding behavior, it's not your responsibility or place to intervene.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my (22m) gf (19f) crochets quite a lot and i've encouraged her to start like an etsy shop or something but she hasn't. the issue is that she spends all this money on yarn (even though she always buys the really cheap big rolls at michaels), it adds up. instead of making something that someone would actually want as a gift like a dish cloth, blanket, sweater, etc., she choses to make these dumb little stuffed animals. the other day she finished crocheting a 13 ft long daschund so she has these baskets and shelves of these stuffed animals that she refuses to give away or sell, but also hardly uses after they're done. the other day, she was hanging around her apartment and it was a mess. she claims her roommate made the mess, but i guess she was just hanging out in it. instead of cleaning it, she's crocheting. when i brought up the mess, she said her roommate would clean it up and proceeded to pull this binder she has full of polaroids of her finished project and each of their names and was talking about them. i couldn't stand it and i snapped and told her she needed to focus on cleaning up and that i didn't care about her toys. she said her roommate would and i told her that she is acting like a child. by the time i left she was crying. it's been almost a week now and she isn't answering my messages. aita here for wanting her to live in a clean apartment?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my (22m) gf (19f) crochets quite a lot and i've encouraged her to start like an etsy shop or something but she hasn't. the issue is that she spends all this money on yarn (even though she always buys the really cheap big rolls at michaels), it adds up. instead of making something that someone would actually want as a gift like a dish cloth, blanket, sweater, etc., she choses to make these dumb little stuffed animals. the other day she finished crocheting a 13 ft long daschund so she has these baskets and shelves of these stuffed animals that she refuses to give away or sell, but also hardly uses after they're done. the other day, she was hanging around her apartment and it was a mess. she claims her roommate made the mess, but i guess she was just hanging out in it. instead of cleaning it, she's crocheting. when i brought up the mess, she said her roommate would clean it up and proceeded to pull this binder she has full of polaroids of her finished project and each of their names and was talking about them. i couldn't stand it and i snapped and told her she needed to focus on cleaning up and that i didn't care about her toys. she said her roommate would and i told her that she is acting like a child. by the time i left she was crying. it's been almost a week now and she isn't answering my messages. aita here for wanting her to live in a clean apartment? [/INST] yta. i hope your girlfriend dumps you and finds a nice boyfriend who supports her cool hobbies. and that you never have a girlfriend again until you change your fundamental attitude towards women, because you’re an asshole. </s>
AITA for only wanting my Niece at my Wedding and not my Nephews?	in five months, my (25f) fiancé (26m) and i will be getting married. we are obviously ecstatic, but the planning has been chaotic. from the start, we agreed that we didn't want any children there except for my fiancé's little sister, who i thought was going to be my flower girl. my brother (35m) and i have never been close because of our age gap, so it really wasn't a big deal when he decided to stay home with his kids (12m, 10f, 8m) instead of coming. well, my fiancé's little sister decided she didn't want to be the flower girl, which has left me scrambling for another one. all of my female relatives are either my age or older, and my fiancé doesn't have any other sisters and it would be awkward asking a cousin of his, so i decided to ask my brother if his daughter would like to do it. we talked about it all over skype, and my niece doesn't like weddings but she does like wearing fancy dresses so she decided she wanted to think about it. well, i didn't mention to my brother that i only wanted my niece there and that he needed to find child case for my nephews. when the topic was brought up, he suddenly turned cold towards the idea and said that it would be cruel to bring his daughter and exclude his sons, because they'd been upset that they weren't allowed at the wedding. i'm pretty sure he was lying because theres no way in my mind that those kids would be so upset about a wedding, but my brother told me that it was a jerk move for me to only want one child there and to exclude her brothers, and told me he'd think about it. well, he hasn't messages me in several days. i don't think i really did anything wrong, it's my wedding and my brother can't dictate it, and i don't want a bunch of kids there being chaotic and making everything about them, but i don't want to ruin the wedding because of this. so, i am being an ass over this?	5,574	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/omdpsa/aita_for_only_wanting_my_niece_at_my_wedding_and/	2021-07-17 21:59:58	yta flower girls are not a requirement at weddings and treating children like props is shitty. you seem to just want a female child, rather than to honor a child who is important to you. so yes, you are an asshole. it is rude to have her and still exclude her siblings, especially so when it’s clear you don’t actually want her, so much as little girl who will look cute in a dress. you don’t want kids at your wedding? then forgo the flower girl at the ceremony.	yta if you want a childfree wedding then don’t have a flower girl	mmmmm...yeah, my thoughts are that it's weird you want the child there as purely an interchangeable accessory, not because of any affection or relationship. and yes, it's awkward to ask your brother to bring his daughter and leave his sons with a babysitter. i think yta if you push this and that you should probably just find a way to do without a flower girl if you want an otherwise childfree wedding.	yta. have a childfree wedding or don’t.	yta. nice way to build a relationship with your family. you didn't invite the kids originally and now are using your niece and ignoring your nephews. your brother had the right idea from the beginning of staying home	yta. just go without a flower girl, or do something like a "flower grandma". it's rude to the nephews and niece to just invite the niece because you need a prop for your wedding.	yta you’re treating the child like a prop for your perfect wedding. your brother is right to be frustrated at you and your plans.	yta - it should’ve been obvious that he would assume that you were inviting all of them so you should’ve said something upfront. and yes children get really upset when one child gets something and they don’t. you also toss around child care a little flippantly without regard for finding adequate care and the expense involved you’re entitled to having your wedding the way you want it but not entitled to treat your brother rudely	yta i have never heard of a child free wedding that included a flower girl. how boring for that girl and how insulting to everyone else and their kids.	yta. you know you don't have to have a flower girl, right?	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: in five months, my (25f) fiancé (26m) and i will be getting married. we are obviously ecstatic, but the planning has been chaotic. from the start, we agreed that we didn't want any children there except for my fiancé's little sister, who i thought was going to be my flower girl. my brother (35m) and i have never been close because of our age gap, so it really wasn't a big deal when he decided to stay home with his kids (12m, 10f, 8m) instead of coming. well, my fiancé's little sister decided she didn't want to be the flower girl, which has left me scrambling for another one. all of my female relatives are either my age or older, and my fiancé doesn't have any other sisters and it would be awkward asking a cousin of his, so i decided to ask my brother if his daughter would like to do it. we talked about it all over skype, and my niece doesn't like weddings but she does like wearing fancy dresses so she decided she wanted to think about it. well, i didn't mention to my brother that i only wanted my niece there and that he needed to find child case for my nephews. when the topic was brought up, he suddenly turned cold towards the idea and said that it would be cruel to bring his daughter and exclude his sons, because they'd been upset that they weren't allowed at the wedding. i'm pretty sure he was lying because theres no way in my mind that those kids would be so upset about a wedding, but my brother told me that it was a jerk move for me to only want one child there and to exclude her brothers, and told me he'd think about it. well, he hasn't messages me in several days. i don't think i really did anything wrong, it's my wedding and my brother can't dictate it, and i don't want a bunch of kids there being chaotic and making everything about them, but i don't want to ruin the wedding because of this. so, i am being an ass over this?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> in five months, my (25f) fiancé (26m) and i will be getting married. we are obviously ecstatic, but the planning has been chaotic. from the start, we agreed that we didn't want any children there except for my fiancé's little sister, who i thought was going to be my flower girl. my brother (35m) and i have never been close because of our age gap, so it really wasn't a big deal when he decided to stay home with his kids (12m, 10f, 8m) instead of coming. well, my fiancé's little sister decided she didn't want to be the flower girl, which has left me scrambling for another one. all of my female relatives are either my age or older, and my fiancé doesn't have any other sisters and it would be awkward asking a cousin of his, so i decided to ask my brother if his daughter would like to do it. we talked about it all over skype, and my niece doesn't like weddings but she does like wearing fancy dresses so she decided she wanted to think about it. well, i didn't mention to my brother that i only wanted my niece there and that he needed to find child case for my nephews. when the topic was brought up, he suddenly turned cold towards the idea and said that it would be cruel to bring his daughter and exclude his sons, because they'd been upset that they weren't allowed at the wedding. i'm pretty sure he was lying because theres no way in my mind that those kids would be so upset about a wedding, but my brother told me that it was a jerk move for me to only want one child there and to exclude her brothers, and told me he'd think about it. well, he hasn't messages me in several days. i don't think i really did anything wrong, it's my wedding and my brother can't dictate it, and i don't want a bunch of kids there being chaotic and making everything about them, but i don't want to ruin the wedding because of this. so, i am being an ass over this? [/INST] yta flower girls are not a requirement at weddings and treating children like props is shitty. you seem to just want a female child, rather than to honor a child who is important to you. so yes, you are an asshole. it is rude to have her and still exclude her siblings, especially so when it’s clear you don’t actually want her, so much as little girl who will look cute in a dress. you don’t want kids at your wedding? then forgo the flower girl at the ceremony. </s>
AITA for banning my MIL from the house after I discovered that she's installed a camera in the bedroom?	my husband (m33) got into a car accident almost a month ago, he's been bedridden due to a back injury and i've been his primary caregiver. the pressure has been too much from my mil, she keeps telling me to take care of him and be there for him constantly. she begged me to take time of work and i did, asked me to send her hourly updates about his condition (first 2 weeks) but when i don't she'd get mad and cause an issue. she visits everyday but doesn't do anything to help, alternatively, she'd list all the things i should or shouldn't do. the family keeps telling me she's just worried sick for her son so i try to stay calm. days ago, she called to berate me about not replacing the sheets quickly, i had no idea how she found out since my husband didn't call her. my sister inlaw called me to tell me that her mom installed a camera in the bedroom to see if i was taking proper care of her son. i was stunned, after searching the room i found the camera, i called my mil and had a huge fight with her. she admitted it and said she was just feeling concerned and wanted to make sure her son was being cared for (despite him calling her everyday) i yelled at her telling her that she's no longer allowed into my home after this. she lost it and went on a rant about how i'm stopping her from seeing her son and that not seeing him will literally make her sick herself. the family called me later to get me to back out of this decision but i told them she breached my privacy and took advantage of the situation, they said i'm taking it too personally and that i can't blame a concerned mother for wanting to make sure her son's fine, especially since she listed things she thought i was doing wrong. i ended the conversation but my husband is upset telling me i'm being vindictive and that if his mom can't come then he'll move there with her. we argued then i went outside and he's been silent eversince. aita.?	25,113	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tcf97q/aita_for_banning_my_mil_from_the_house_after_i/	2022-03-12 12:18:41	nta. report it to the police. let your husband go home to his mummy.	nta. let your husband move out then. that woman should be arrested! what kind of family is this???? get tf out of dodge before you are entangled with children.	nta jesus. i have a sick feeling she never would have uninstalled it. check the rest of your house and block anyone who doesn’t respect your autonomy and privacy.	nta. your husband just asked for a divorce. let him stay married to his mother. there are better fish in the sea.	nta let him move, problem solved 🤷🏼‍♀️ where’s the conflict? the relationship is probably over, but have you not realised your husband knew about the camera? she installed it while he was in the room.	nta. time for him to go live with mummy. f that report to police ad file for divorce. that family is crazy.	nta wtf. you could have been getting dressed. you could have had some 'alone time'. you could have helped your husband beat some meat. so many things she could have seen that she had no right to. i don't even think i'd talk to her.	nta and tbh i think what she did was illegal???? if neither you nor your husband consented to it, it feels really really illegal you’re not stopping her from seeing her son, you’re preventing her from literally breaching your privacy in one of the worst ways she could possibly do again she had no right to install a camera in your bedroom let alone anywhere in your house whatsoever just bc she was concerned she should’ve just offered to help whenever she came over instead of just giving you a list (i’m sure you know how to care for your own husband) and secretly installing a camera edit to add: if your husband says he’ll move in with his mom, let him let her take care of him since she’s this worried about him and he seems unbothered by the fact that she installed a camera in your own bedroom without you knowing	nta i think your husband moving in with his mom while recovering is the best idea, as he will receive the proper care his family thinks he deserves. he wants it, mil wants it, let them have it. just let him know you will take him back anytime he wants it	nta, let him move in with her. he has shown you where your feelings rank with him.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my husband (m33) got into a car accident almost a month ago, he's been bedridden due to a back injury and i've been his primary caregiver. the pressure has been too much from my mil, she keeps telling me to take care of him and be there for him constantly. she begged me to take time of work and i did, asked me to send her hourly updates about his condition (first 2 weeks) but when i don't she'd get mad and cause an issue. she visits everyday but doesn't do anything to help, alternatively, she'd list all the things i should or shouldn't do. the family keeps telling me she's just worried sick for her son so i try to stay calm. days ago, she called to berate me about not replacing the sheets quickly, i had no idea how she found out since my husband didn't call her. my sister inlaw called me to tell me that her mom installed a camera in the bedroom to see if i was taking proper care of her son. i was stunned, after searching the room i found the camera, i called my mil and had a huge fight with her. she admitted it and said she was just feeling concerned and wanted to make sure her son was being cared for (despite him calling her everyday) i yelled at her telling her that she's no longer allowed into my home after this. she lost it and went on a rant about how i'm stopping her from seeing her son and that not seeing him will literally make her sick herself. the family called me later to get me to back out of this decision but i told them she breached my privacy and took advantage of the situation, they said i'm taking it too personally and that i can't blame a concerned mother for wanting to make sure her son's fine, especially since she listed things she thought i was doing wrong. i ended the conversation but my husband is upset telling me i'm being vindictive and that if his mom can't come then he'll move there with her. we argued then i went outside and he's been silent eversince. aita.?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my husband (m33) got into a car accident almost a month ago, he's been bedridden due to a back injury and i've been his primary caregiver. the pressure has been too much from my mil, she keeps telling me to take care of him and be there for him constantly. she begged me to take time of work and i did, asked me to send her hourly updates about his condition (first 2 weeks) but when i don't she'd get mad and cause an issue. she visits everyday but doesn't do anything to help, alternatively, she'd list all the things i should or shouldn't do. the family keeps telling me she's just worried sick for her son so i try to stay calm. days ago, she called to berate me about not replacing the sheets quickly, i had no idea how she found out since my husband didn't call her. my sister inlaw called me to tell me that her mom installed a camera in the bedroom to see if i was taking proper care of her son. i was stunned, after searching the room i found the camera, i called my mil and had a huge fight with her. she admitted it and said she was just feeling concerned and wanted to make sure her son was being cared for (despite him calling her everyday) i yelled at her telling her that she's no longer allowed into my home after this. she lost it and went on a rant about how i'm stopping her from seeing her son and that not seeing him will literally make her sick herself. the family called me later to get me to back out of this decision but i told them she breached my privacy and took advantage of the situation, they said i'm taking it too personally and that i can't blame a concerned mother for wanting to make sure her son's fine, especially since she listed things she thought i was doing wrong. i ended the conversation but my husband is upset telling me i'm being vindictive and that if his mom can't come then he'll move there with her. we argued then i went outside and he's been silent eversince. aita.? [/INST] nta. report it to the police. let your husband go home to his mummy. </s>
Aita for "setting up" my ex-husband look like a bad father?	i'll keep this short. when my and ex's daughter "megan" was turning 13 she wanted a tiered harry potter cake (she loves the movies). she was very specific in what she wanted. i told her as gently as i could that i didn't think we'd be able to afford that. and my ex took that opportunity to be the "fun parent" and said in a doting voice "oh baby don't worry, daddy will get you your cake." she was all smiles and ran off to get her bags. i told him if he was going to promise this to order it early, cuz bakeries require advance order. he got all huffy and said he "knew what the fuck \[he\] was doing" and i should mind my business. i said anything involving our daughter is my business. he said he didn't need my help, and i should just handle the birthday party and he'd get the cake. i said okay then they left for the weekend. i know my ex. he puts things off that aren't about him. i knew he was going to forget to order. usually i'd pester him so he wouldn't forget. but he said he didn't need my help so i decided to not bring it up unless he did. but i did call a friend i have who started decorating cakes to order the cake from her. it cost a bit more than i'd have liked but not as much as i'd been worried it would. well he never brought the cake up again. at least not until the day before her birthday. where he called me, frantic. he forgot to order the cake. and now none of the bakeries will take his order without tacking on a massive fee cuz there's no way they can have the cake ready unless they focus their full staff on one cake. i was going to tell him not to worry, i ordered the cake for him. but then he says *"why didn't you remind me?!"* i just snapped and said he needed to figure this out and he better have a cake tomorrow, then i hung up. he brought a cake... a plain white sheet cake with red trim and one of those print out sugar decals on the front of harry potter and his two friends. and a wax '11' candle.... she was turning 13. he revealed the cake during her party so everyone was sitting quiet and megan looked heartbroken and tried to be nice but she asked what happened to the cake she wanted. ex floundered and i let him for a few seconds before laughing "haha just kidding!" and then i went and pulled the cake i ordered from the kitchen. megan lit up and everyone laughed and it was just one huge joke and the rest of the party went great. but after everyone went home and megan was in her room ex tried to lay into me about "humiliating him" and "letting him look like a bad father" and i told him the only one who made him look bad was him. i think i was justified but some mutual friends think i should have just told him i got the cake to keep things civil between us. aita? **	20,454	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jefbmk/aita_for_setting_up_my_exhusband_look_like_a_bad/	2020-10-20 01:07:08	nta. um...you actually saved him from 'looking' like a bad father (putting that in quotes because he doesn't look like one, he is one) by having the cake she wanted ready and making it look like his shitty contribution was just a joke. i am extremely glad that this man is your ex and that you are there to be a real parent to your daughter.	nta. it sounds like to everyone on the outside that you two were in on it and just teasing your daughter. he's the only one that had to sit there and shit his pants because he fucked up. he should have dropped to his knees and thanked you and asked how much he owed you for the damned cake.	nta dude was seriously embarrassed that his poor behavior was so easy to predict that you had a contingency plan. your friends are wrong, but they are coming from a place of sympathy for their friend, and because they want to keep peace in the friend group. it’s understandable, but still wrong. good for you, mama.	nta. your ex set himself up to fail, you just made sure that your daughters birthday didn't become a sacrifice to his grand gestures and ego. prior preparation and planning prevents piss poor performance. you planned ahead. your ex didn't. your daughter was happy and that's what matters in this scenario.	nta and people need to stop excusing deadbeat fathers for their bad time management. you saved the day because you knew how he was, it's not your job to keep holding his hand while he keeps on acting as if you're the bad guy. sounds like he's used to you saving his ass. maybe next time, let him fail. he exposed himself and sounds like your friends need to stop making excuses for him.	nta guy makes a promise, he needs to keep it. you didn't set him up, he did. it's blatant why he's the ex. and wtf is "civil between [you two]" supposed to mean? >i was going to tell him not to worry, i ordered the cake for him. but then he says "why didn't you remind me?!" "because presumably you're an adult who can keep track of what you said you'll do." i have adhd. i write that shit down and put it in the calendar so i don't have to remember.	nta. not your job to save his ass or "remind" him of anything. he's an adult. you were preventing your kid from seeing what a disorganized mess he is-at least for a while.	nta. you planned for your daughter knowing he’d screw it up. and you saved him in the end by making it a joke. you’re a good parent as those things are directly for your child and not to screw him over. the added benefit of him getting bent was just gravy.	nta. what got me was him forgetting his child's age. even i remembered she was turning 13 before you mentioned it.	nta. you might have set him up to be “the ah” in his mind but you saved the day for your daughter. she would have been absolutely devastated with that other cake.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i'll keep this short. when my and ex's daughter "megan" was turning 13 she wanted a tiered harry potter cake (she loves the movies). she was very specific in what she wanted. i told her as gently as i could that i didn't think we'd be able to afford that. and my ex took that opportunity to be the "fun parent" and said in a doting voice "oh baby don't worry, daddy will get you your cake." she was all smiles and ran off to get her bags. i told him if he was going to promise this to order it early, cuz bakeries require advance order. he got all huffy and said he "knew what the fuck \[he\] was doing" and i should mind my business. i said anything involving our daughter is my business. he said he didn't need my help, and i should just handle the birthday party and he'd get the cake. i said okay then they left for the weekend. i know my ex. he puts things off that aren't about him. i knew he was going to forget to order. usually i'd pester him so he wouldn't forget. but he said he didn't need my help so i decided to not bring it up unless he did. but i did call a friend i have who started decorating cakes to order the cake from her. it cost a bit more than i'd have liked but not as much as i'd been worried it would. well he never brought the cake up again. at least not until the day before her birthday. where he called me, frantic. he forgot to order the cake. and now none of the bakeries will take his order without tacking on a massive fee cuz there's no way they can have the cake ready unless they focus their full staff on one cake. i was going to tell him not to worry, i ordered the cake for him. but then he says *"why didn't you remind me?!"* i just snapped and said he needed to figure this out and he better have a cake tomorrow, then i hung up. he brought a cake... a plain white sheet cake with red trim and one of those print out sugar decals on the front of harry potter and his two friends. and a wax '11' candle.... she was turning 13. he revealed the cake during her party so everyone was sitting quiet and megan looked heartbroken and tried to be nice but she asked what happened to the cake she wanted. ex floundered and i let him for a few seconds before laughing "haha just kidding!" and then i went and pulled the cake i ordered from the kitchen. megan lit up and everyone laughed and it was just one huge joke and the rest of the party went great. but after everyone went home and megan was in her room ex tried to lay into me about "humiliating him" and "letting him look like a bad father" and i told him the only one who made him look bad was him. i think i was justified but some mutual friends think i should have just told him i got the cake to keep things civil between us. aita? **	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i'll keep this short. when my and ex's daughter "megan" was turning 13 she wanted a tiered harry potter cake (she loves the movies). she was very specific in what she wanted. i told her as gently as i could that i didn't think we'd be able to afford that. and my ex took that opportunity to be the "fun parent" and said in a doting voice "oh baby don't worry, daddy will get you your cake." she was all smiles and ran off to get her bags. i told him if he was going to promise this to order it early, cuz bakeries require advance order. he got all huffy and said he "knew what the fuck \[he\] was doing" and i should mind my business. i said anything involving our daughter is my business. he said he didn't need my help, and i should just handle the birthday party and he'd get the cake. i said okay then they left for the weekend. i know my ex. he puts things off that aren't about him. i knew he was going to forget to order. usually i'd pester him so he wouldn't forget. but he said he didn't need my help so i decided to not bring it up unless he did. but i did call a friend i have who started decorating cakes to order the cake from her. it cost a bit more than i'd have liked but not as much as i'd been worried it would. well he never brought the cake up again. at least not until the day before her birthday. where he called me, frantic. he forgot to order the cake. and now none of the bakeries will take his order without tacking on a massive fee cuz there's no way they can have the cake ready unless they focus their full staff on one cake. i was going to tell him not to worry, i ordered the cake for him. but then he says *"why didn't you remind me?!"* i just snapped and said he needed to figure this out and he better have a cake tomorrow, then i hung up. he brought a cake... a plain white sheet cake with red trim and one of those print out sugar decals on the front of harry potter and his two friends. and a wax '11' candle.... she was turning 13. he revealed the cake during her party so everyone was sitting quiet and megan looked heartbroken and tried to be nice but she asked what happened to the cake she wanted. ex floundered and i let him for a few seconds before laughing "haha just kidding!" and then i went and pulled the cake i ordered from the kitchen. megan lit up and everyone laughed and it was just one huge joke and the rest of the party went great. but after everyone went home and megan was in her room ex tried to lay into me about "humiliating him" and "letting him look like a bad father" and i told him the only one who made him look bad was him. i think i was justified but some mutual friends think i should have just told him i got the cake to keep things civil between us. aita? ** [/INST] nta. um...you actually saved him from 'looking' like a bad father (putting that in quotes because he doesn't look like one, he is one) by having the cake she wanted ready and making it look like his shitty contribution was just a joke. i am extremely glad that this man is your ex and that you are there to be a real parent to your daughter. </s>
AITA for canceling the AirBnB and leaving SIL basically stranded after she brought her dog?	i booked an airbnb retreat for me, my husband, my sil and her husband about 4 months ago. the airbnb was not dog friendly and i made that perfectly clear, as my sil thinks her dog should be welcomed everywhere, no matter the cost. she said she would find a dog sitter and i had no reason to question it. the airbnb was out of state, about 15 hours away on a really nice beach in tampa. my husband and i flew down and my sil insisted on driving so she left roughly 24 hours prior to our flight. she said it was cheaper to drive than it was to fly. when my husband and i arrived my sil and her husband were already sitting in the driveway. when they saw me pull in she had asked if we got the keys yet, which we had because we met up with the owner along the way and she said "oh good, give them to me quick so i can get brute instead without being seen". i just stopped dead in my tracks and was like "are you fucking kidding me right now?" she kept saying things like "what? i couldnt find anyone to watch him." or "he is fucking old and house broken. i dont know why anyone would be ignorant enough to say no pets allowed." and basically just kept making excuses as to why she was in the right. my husband is just sitting there completely dumbfounded and shaking his head. i just got back in my rental car and left. i got a refund from airbnb and dropped the keys off with the woman and explained the situation. she told me i could still stay there because i've been honest but i told her no, the place was too big for just my husband and myself. we end up staying at a significantly less expensive hotel (i paid almost $4k for the week for the airbnb but only spent $1800 for the week at the hotel). during this whole time my sil is blowing us up saying she cant afford to stay down here (my husband and i make a lot more than sil and her husband so we had agreed to pay for everything) and says she didnt bring anything with her to snack on and couldnt afford prices of shit here and whatever. i just straight up ignored her because in my eyes, she tried ruining my trip that i 100% paid for. my mil is down our throats saying the least we could have done was give them some money for food instead of leaving them stranded and i told her "nope, they can just drive back home and get food there." aita?	20,329	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vy67oz/aita_for_canceling_the_airbnb_and_leaving_sil/	2022-07-13 15:39:38	nta if a person can't find a dog sitter they stay home. if a person can't afford snacks or food they absolutely have zero zero excuse for going on vacation.	nta - she ruined her own plans by refusing to follow explicit rules that she clearly knew she was violating. she left a day before you so she had plenty of time to discuss bringing the dog if she really had issues finding someone to watch it. it seems to me that she never seriously considered leaving the dog behind and thought she would get away with it if she didn't mention it before arriving.	nta, i hate dog people like this.	nta. people like your sil give those of us who travel with our dogs and rent vacation homes a bad name. if it doesn’t allow dogs i don’t rent it period. i would never ever pull the kind of selfish stunt she did.	if i rent out an apartment and say no pets, it seriously means no pets! i have a serious allergy to the point where dogs and cats induce asthma attacks, and it makes a place super uncomfortable for me to be in. now if i found someone had brought a pet into my property i’d be livid… thank you for your honesty nta	nta i'm a dog person and i tend to take my dog everywhere, so i understand why she wanted her dog. but she literally had one rule. she's the one who messed up her vacation, not you. she sure can drive back home and get food there.	info: so lady just fully refunded you $4000 on the same day you should've checked in and basically lost $4000?	nta- this one falls under "play stupid games, win stupid prizes". when you unilaterally decide to ignore the terms and conditions whether that's "no parking" or "no pets" you don't get to be pissed when your car is towed or your offer to stay is revoked.	nta your sister is what other people hate in dog owners. also, stop doing things for your sister. you are obviously just a cash cow to her. i hope you enjoyed your vacation. tampa is lovely!!	you’re saying that the owner of the property gave you a full refund on a $4000 rental, after you had already checked in, no problem? ya right. that is a huge loss for the property owner and there’s no way they would simply roll over and fork over their profits. it would be difficult if not impossible for them to recoup that and no owner is going to do that. yta this is a lie.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	INFO	NTA	NTA	YTA	0.057628	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i booked an airbnb retreat for me, my husband, my sil and her husband about 4 months ago. the airbnb was not dog friendly and i made that perfectly clear, as my sil thinks her dog should be welcomed everywhere, no matter the cost. she said she would find a dog sitter and i had no reason to question it. the airbnb was out of state, about 15 hours away on a really nice beach in tampa. my husband and i flew down and my sil insisted on driving so she left roughly 24 hours prior to our flight. she said it was cheaper to drive than it was to fly. when my husband and i arrived my sil and her husband were already sitting in the driveway. when they saw me pull in she had asked if we got the keys yet, which we had because we met up with the owner along the way and she said "oh good, give them to me quick so i can get brute instead without being seen". i just stopped dead in my tracks and was like "are you fucking kidding me right now?" she kept saying things like "what? i couldnt find anyone to watch him." or "he is fucking old and house broken. i dont know why anyone would be ignorant enough to say no pets allowed." and basically just kept making excuses as to why she was in the right. my husband is just sitting there completely dumbfounded and shaking his head. i just got back in my rental car and left. i got a refund from airbnb and dropped the keys off with the woman and explained the situation. she told me i could still stay there because i've been honest but i told her no, the place was too big for just my husband and myself. we end up staying at a significantly less expensive hotel (i paid almost $4k for the week for the airbnb but only spent $1800 for the week at the hotel). during this whole time my sil is blowing us up saying she cant afford to stay down here (my husband and i make a lot more than sil and her husband so we had agreed to pay for everything) and says she didnt bring anything with her to snack on and couldnt afford prices of shit here and whatever. i just straight up ignored her because in my eyes, she tried ruining my trip that i 100% paid for. my mil is down our throats saying the least we could have done was give them some money for food instead of leaving them stranded and i told her "nope, they can just drive back home and get food there." aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i booked an airbnb retreat for me, my husband, my sil and her husband about 4 months ago. the airbnb was not dog friendly and i made that perfectly clear, as my sil thinks her dog should be welcomed everywhere, no matter the cost. she said she would find a dog sitter and i had no reason to question it. the airbnb was out of state, about 15 hours away on a really nice beach in tampa. my husband and i flew down and my sil insisted on driving so she left roughly 24 hours prior to our flight. she said it was cheaper to drive than it was to fly. when my husband and i arrived my sil and her husband were already sitting in the driveway. when they saw me pull in she had asked if we got the keys yet, which we had because we met up with the owner along the way and she said "oh good, give them to me quick so i can get brute instead without being seen". i just stopped dead in my tracks and was like "are you fucking kidding me right now?" she kept saying things like "what? i couldnt find anyone to watch him." or "he is fucking old and house broken. i dont know why anyone would be ignorant enough to say no pets allowed." and basically just kept making excuses as to why she was in the right. my husband is just sitting there completely dumbfounded and shaking his head. i just got back in my rental car and left. i got a refund from airbnb and dropped the keys off with the woman and explained the situation. she told me i could still stay there because i've been honest but i told her no, the place was too big for just my husband and myself. we end up staying at a significantly less expensive hotel (i paid almost $4k for the week for the airbnb but only spent $1800 for the week at the hotel). during this whole time my sil is blowing us up saying she cant afford to stay down here (my husband and i make a lot more than sil and her husband so we had agreed to pay for everything) and says she didnt bring anything with her to snack on and couldnt afford prices of shit here and whatever. i just straight up ignored her because in my eyes, she tried ruining my trip that i 100% paid for. my mil is down our throats saying the least we could have done was give them some money for food instead of leaving them stranded and i told her "nope, they can just drive back home and get food there." aita? [/INST] nta if a person can't find a dog sitter they stay home. if a person can't afford snacks or food they absolutely have zero zero excuse for going on vacation. </s>
AITA for asking my brother's entire family to move out because my nephew set my bathroom on fire for a tiktok?	my (32f) brother (43m), his wife (40?f), and their two kids (9f and 15m) have been staying with me for a little over two weeks now because they lost their jobs due to coronavirus and were evicted. four people is obviously a large addition, but i didn't want them to be homeless and they assured me it'd be a temporary stay. two days ago, my nephew set my bathroom on fire for a tiktok. from what he told me after, there's some kind of trend where you draw a shape on your mirror with hairspray and then you light it on fire, and it's supposed to go out on it's own without any damage. well, his fire spread onto a nearby stack of towels and got out of control. we all had to evacuate, but luckily i live relatively close to a firestation so the damage wasn't that bad. my guest bathroom is scorched and will need repairs, but the rest of my home is okay. i think that my brother and sil had to have been wildly negligible to allow this to happen, especially considering the lighter he used was my brother's, meaning he must have taken it from him at some point. i'm asking them to leave within the next week because i don't want to risk something of this nature happening again. they've apologized and asked me to reconsider because it was an accident, no one was hurt in the end, they'd be homeless if i kicked them out now, and to think of my niece who did nothing. i'm not going to charge them for the repairs because they flat out can't afford it, but i no longer feel safe living with them.	20,226	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/l0xiqa/aita_for_asking_my_brothers_entire_family_to_move/	2021-01-20 00:36:43	nta. he lit your house on fire for an internet trend. he's lucky he didn't kill someone. sounds like someone dangerous to have in the house. 😬	" i no longer feel safe living with them." nta. that's the only reason you ever need. this isn't a candle that got out of hand situation - insurance doesn't cover intentional* dumbassery. it wasn’t an accident and he could've killed someone. for a tiktok.	info do you think the kid learned their lesson and won't do it again? do you think they will do something stupid again? these are the questions you should be asking yourself, not strangers on the internet. if the answer is no, he didn't learn, kick them out. if the answer is yes, i don't think he will screw up again, let them stay. also, do you really think its 'wildly negligible' to have your 15 year old leave your sight for the 45 seconds it takes to spray and light hairspray? you realize you're basically suggesting they watch their children use the bathroom right? look what he did was wrong, and they are ultimately responsible, but to say 'wildly negligible' to let a 15 year old have privacy in the bathroom, when they have presumably never done anything like this before, makes no sense at all. perhaps now it would be negligent to let him go into the bathroom unsupervised. but it certainly wasn't before, since you've listed no previous bad behavior.	honestly amazed that everyone is saying nta here. yta unless the parents did absolutely nothing to discipline their child after this. 15 y/os are dumb that is pure and simple. him doing some stupid shit for a tiktok trend is not grounds for you to kick a family of 4 out onto the street with a week to sort out their affairs.	nta. it's completely fair for you to want them gone after this, and you're being generous to give them a week and not charge them for the damages. however... i don't think bro & sil were negligent. 15yos are supposed to have a degree of independence; that's how they learn to be adults. following them around like a helicopter parent usually screws them up. unfortunately some 15yos fumble their independence the first few times you try to give it to them by doing incredibly dumb things. poor impulse control and being easily led (by tiktok followers or trends) are just part of being a teenager. doesn't usually end up burning the house down, granted. i guess what would make a difference to me is what the parents did after the kid set the bathroom on fire. did they immediately tell him he was wrong and discipline him in some way? he's not quite old enough to get a job and pay for the bathroom (i don't think, legal age to work is 16 where i live but might be younger elsewhere), but he could be given all the housework for the rest of the year, or something. if the parents did nothing, however, and just pulled a "boys will be boys," then yeah, get 'em all out, because that situation is 100% unsafe. if they're truly going to end up homeless instead of in a hotel or at another relative's, then maybe offer to let the 9yo stay? if you're comfortable with that.	nta-yeah the fact you aren’t going to charge them for damages is incredibly nice of you. i get they lost their place and that sucks. but if they feel it’s ok to set fires for a video then they’ll do other stupid shit too.	nta. 15 is old enough to know better. we all did stupid crap at 15, but out of us didn't almost burn a house down. they are lucky you aren't making them cover your insurance deductible or pay for the repairs. also, they are huge ahs for trying to use their daughter to guilt you. maybe offer to let dad or mom and daughter stay if they're that desperate. the other parent and son can go stay with someone else. its easier to house 2 people than 4.	info is your nephew normally like this? 15 is still pretty young and it doesn't seem like he intended this to be bad. also it's incredibly easy for a 15 year old to get a lighter, so calling the parents negligent seems out of line imo. it's your house to do with as you please, but i think some punishment and consequences that aren't making them homeless can be arranged.	op: please reconsider this. i’m going to say yta, but the kid is also somewhat ta, and i want op and the n/t/a people in the comments here to please just hear me out: have you actually seen the trend that this all stemmed from? here’s an [example video](https://www.tiktok.com/@jackjerry/video/6900607321211211014). there are tons of these, and every single time, it’s a flame that goes no more than 6 inches from the mirror and goes out completely within ~5 seconds. all of those videos make it look about as risky as one of those high-alcohol content drinks that bartenders will light at fancy bars. there is a 95% chance that the kid genuinely had no idea that it could cause as much damage as it did, and would never have done it if he knew what was going to happen. this is not, as many people have interpreted it, a malicious or incredibly irresponsible out-of-control teenager who poses a significant risk to your household. this is a kid who just lost his home and is likely a bit more desperate than usual for something that could make him happy, and then saw something cool on tiktok and wanted to recreate it, and what he expected to be harmless fun went terribly, terribly wrong. how on earth do so many people here think a fully reasonable response to a likely well-intentioned kid making one mistake is to make his entire family homeless? yes, he should have known better, and doing anything even the tiniest bit risky makes him definitely an ah as well, but not one that merits that severe a consequence. and re: the parental negligence thing, come on, we’ve all been 15 before, it is not hard for a kid to find a lighter somewhere without his parents noticing. op, i completely understand your concern here, and i absolutely feel for you. this whole situation massively sucks. but what this kid needs is a strong talking to about fire safety and the importance of being extremely careful when using other people’s property. deactivate his tiktok account for a while! hell, i think it’d be fully reasonable to make the kid get a job and eventually pay you back for the damage himself! but don’t put an entire family - 3 out of 4 members of which appear to have done absolutely nothing wrong! - out on the streets because 1 of the 4 made one stupid mistake. if he does anything like this again, then you wouldn’t be ta. but please give them a second chance. eta disclaimer: if the parents haven’t had a serious talk with the son and are trying to avoid punishing him at all or trying to act like nothing ever happened, then op would not be ta for kicking them out.	info: how is this kid being punished? if his parents are letting him off easy because no one was hurt in the end, yeah, that’s terrible and unsafe parenting and you’re right not to have them in the house. i don’t think it’s necessarily negligent parenting since he’s past the age that parents usually have to watch their kids like hawks but if they are usually lax parents i completely understand your anger.	NTA	NTA	INFO	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	INFO	YTA	INFO	0.167705	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my (32f) brother (43m), his wife (40?f), and their two kids (9f and 15m) have been staying with me for a little over two weeks now because they lost their jobs due to coronavirus and were evicted. four people is obviously a large addition, but i didn't want them to be homeless and they assured me it'd be a temporary stay. two days ago, my nephew set my bathroom on fire for a tiktok. from what he told me after, there's some kind of trend where you draw a shape on your mirror with hairspray and then you light it on fire, and it's supposed to go out on it's own without any damage. well, his fire spread onto a nearby stack of towels and got out of control. we all had to evacuate, but luckily i live relatively close to a firestation so the damage wasn't that bad. my guest bathroom is scorched and will need repairs, but the rest of my home is okay. i think that my brother and sil had to have been wildly negligible to allow this to happen, especially considering the lighter he used was my brother's, meaning he must have taken it from him at some point. i'm asking them to leave within the next week because i don't want to risk something of this nature happening again. they've apologized and asked me to reconsider because it was an accident, no one was hurt in the end, they'd be homeless if i kicked them out now, and to think of my niece who did nothing. i'm not going to charge them for the repairs because they flat out can't afford it, but i no longer feel safe living with them.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my (32f) brother (43m), his wife (40?f), and their two kids (9f and 15m) have been staying with me for a little over two weeks now because they lost their jobs due to coronavirus and were evicted. four people is obviously a large addition, but i didn't want them to be homeless and they assured me it'd be a temporary stay. two days ago, my nephew set my bathroom on fire for a tiktok. from what he told me after, there's some kind of trend where you draw a shape on your mirror with hairspray and then you light it on fire, and it's supposed to go out on it's own without any damage. well, his fire spread onto a nearby stack of towels and got out of control. we all had to evacuate, but luckily i live relatively close to a firestation so the damage wasn't that bad. my guest bathroom is scorched and will need repairs, but the rest of my home is okay. i think that my brother and sil had to have been wildly negligible to allow this to happen, especially considering the lighter he used was my brother's, meaning he must have taken it from him at some point. i'm asking them to leave within the next week because i don't want to risk something of this nature happening again. they've apologized and asked me to reconsider because it was an accident, no one was hurt in the end, they'd be homeless if i kicked them out now, and to think of my niece who did nothing. i'm not going to charge them for the repairs because they flat out can't afford it, but i no longer feel safe living with them. [/INST] nta. he lit your house on fire for an internet trend. he's lucky he didn't kill someone. sounds like someone dangerous to have in the house. 😬 </s>
AITA for sitting on my husband's lap during Thanksgiving dinner because all chairs at the table were taken?	i (f, 28) have been with my husband "shaun" (m, 33) for 2 years, married for 5 months. most of his family are decent people but his mom can be a little of a passive-aggressive and tends to criticize me a lot. shaun sees it as "her still not getting used to me being around" but idk because she treats his ex "julissa" good. mil says that julissa has been around the family for age and her past with shaun never affected her relationship with her. fine, i never minded her attending every holiday and being around til yesterday. we had thanksgiving dinner at my mil's house. shaun went there before me and when i arrived it was already dinner time. everyone was seated and i saw that all chairs were taken. i asked mil why she didn't save me a seat and she said "sorry" and that one of her granddaughters decided to show up last minute and the chair was taken. i looked at her then at julissa who was sitting next to shaun and tried to point out how i was more deserving of her chair since i'm the dil (i know shouldn't have said it i know..i know) mil flatout said that julissa is as much family as me, and that it was rude to imply otherwise. julissa was nodding confidently while glancing at me. i was so upset i wanted to leave but decided to just sit on my husband's lap and act as casual as possible. i sat on his lap asking if he was okay with it (don't worry i'm petite, he's strong built) and started eating so casually while smiling and complimenting the food and mentioning to shaun how warm and comfortable his lap was now and then. the table went awkwardly silence. bil would try to break the silence and change the subject but it somehow goes back to being awkward. mil and julissa were barely eating and were staring at each other than at me eyes wide open. minutes later, julissa excused herself to the bathroom and so did mil. it was still awkward but i did my best to focus on dinner. shaun was eating as well. later, there was just so much tension and mil was barely able to speak after julissa left (early, like right after dinner). shaun and i went home and mil tried calling but then called shaun and texted me saying what i did was inappropriate and that i ruined thanksgiving dinner and made it awkward. she said it wasn't her fault chairs were taken and i could've dragged a chair from the kitchen but acted childishly and made julissa (and family) uncomfortable with how inappropriate i was.	23,831	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z55m2b/aita_for_sitting_on_my_husbands_lap_during/	2022-11-26 11:43:15	nta, but the whole ordeal could have been avoided had your husband done what he should have done, and gave you his seat while he went to fetch another one. in fact, he should have already had an empty seat beside him waiting for you. i can’t imagine putting my wife in such an awkward situation.	info: why did your husband not notice there was no chair for you until you showed up? did he just forget you existed?? surely you just go and get another chair. this whole situation is ridiculous.	nta. 1. i am not petite and i would have still done the same thing. my husband is a full blown gorilla/walrus hybrid so it doesn’t matter but even if he was smaller than me, i still would have done it. 2. i am never going to be accused of being a wilting flower and no one would dare try this on me- bc this is exactly how i would react. right or wrong, i don’t care. sometimes our statement needs to be loud and clear. 3. i would have played like i was fine there but, believe you me, this convo would have carried on in private with my husband. he would hear from me loud and clear. 4. bc i am truly not a wilting flower, i would be absolutely fine with reading between the lines with my husbands actions/lack of actions and acting however i felt was appropriate. take that how you feel is appropriate, op. 5. most importantly- pay attention, op- i would never have to do any of this bc my husband would never put me in the position to have to do any of this. you have a husband problem, op.	nta. but husband massively failed here. why isn't he managing his mom and shutting down her match making with his ex? ultimately thus needs to go through him and seemed very passive in all this.	[removed]	nta. mil suggests after the fact that op could have dragged a chair from the kitchen? it was mil's job, as host, to do that herself; failure to do so was an obvious attempt to make op ill at ease. op responded delightfully. it was mil's fault that it turned out the way it did.	hahahaha. she got outplayed. tell her that if she wants to play games she has to deal with the consequences. plus its up to her the host to have a seat for her daughter in law. nta.	your husband should have got up immediately and either fetch the chair for his wife or given you his whiile walked around making it all as awkward as possible. or he could have taken one of the empty chairs when the women went to the bathroom. musical chairs could be the new family tradition.	nta, you were just playing her game. your husband seriously needs to start putting his foot down and standing up for you though, he should have told julissa to move and he was saving the seat for you.	nta. i feel like i missed something. does he have children with his ex who she bought to thanksgiving dinner? minus that i have no clue what she was there for.	NTA	INFO	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	0.005167	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (f, 28) have been with my husband "shaun" (m, 33) for 2 years, married for 5 months. most of his family are decent people but his mom can be a little of a passive-aggressive and tends to criticize me a lot. shaun sees it as "her still not getting used to me being around" but idk because she treats his ex "julissa" good. mil says that julissa has been around the family for age and her past with shaun never affected her relationship with her. fine, i never minded her attending every holiday and being around til yesterday. we had thanksgiving dinner at my mil's house. shaun went there before me and when i arrived it was already dinner time. everyone was seated and i saw that all chairs were taken. i asked mil why she didn't save me a seat and she said "sorry" and that one of her granddaughters decided to show up last minute and the chair was taken. i looked at her then at julissa who was sitting next to shaun and tried to point out how i was more deserving of her chair since i'm the dil (i know shouldn't have said it i know..i know) mil flatout said that julissa is as much family as me, and that it was rude to imply otherwise. julissa was nodding confidently while glancing at me. i was so upset i wanted to leave but decided to just sit on my husband's lap and act as casual as possible. i sat on his lap asking if he was okay with it (don't worry i'm petite, he's strong built) and started eating so casually while smiling and complimenting the food and mentioning to shaun how warm and comfortable his lap was now and then. the table went awkwardly silence. bil would try to break the silence and change the subject but it somehow goes back to being awkward. mil and julissa were barely eating and were staring at each other than at me eyes wide open. minutes later, julissa excused herself to the bathroom and so did mil. it was still awkward but i did my best to focus on dinner. shaun was eating as well. later, there was just so much tension and mil was barely able to speak after julissa left (early, like right after dinner). shaun and i went home and mil tried calling but then called shaun and texted me saying what i did was inappropriate and that i ruined thanksgiving dinner and made it awkward. she said it wasn't her fault chairs were taken and i could've dragged a chair from the kitchen but acted childishly and made julissa (and family) uncomfortable with how inappropriate i was.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i (f, 28) have been with my husband "shaun" (m, 33) for 2 years, married for 5 months. most of his family are decent people but his mom can be a little of a passive-aggressive and tends to criticize me a lot. shaun sees it as "her still not getting used to me being around" but idk because she treats his ex "julissa" good. mil says that julissa has been around the family for age and her past with shaun never affected her relationship with her. fine, i never minded her attending every holiday and being around til yesterday. we had thanksgiving dinner at my mil's house. shaun went there before me and when i arrived it was already dinner time. everyone was seated and i saw that all chairs were taken. i asked mil why she didn't save me a seat and she said "sorry" and that one of her granddaughters decided to show up last minute and the chair was taken. i looked at her then at julissa who was sitting next to shaun and tried to point out how i was more deserving of her chair since i'm the dil (i know shouldn't have said it i know..i know) mil flatout said that julissa is as much family as me, and that it was rude to imply otherwise. julissa was nodding confidently while glancing at me. i was so upset i wanted to leave but decided to just sit on my husband's lap and act as casual as possible. i sat on his lap asking if he was okay with it (don't worry i'm petite, he's strong built) and started eating so casually while smiling and complimenting the food and mentioning to shaun how warm and comfortable his lap was now and then. the table went awkwardly silence. bil would try to break the silence and change the subject but it somehow goes back to being awkward. mil and julissa were barely eating and were staring at each other than at me eyes wide open. minutes later, julissa excused herself to the bathroom and so did mil. it was still awkward but i did my best to focus on dinner. shaun was eating as well. later, there was just so much tension and mil was barely able to speak after julissa left (early, like right after dinner). shaun and i went home and mil tried calling but then called shaun and texted me saying what i did was inappropriate and that i ruined thanksgiving dinner and made it awkward. she said it wasn't her fault chairs were taken and i could've dragged a chair from the kitchen but acted childishly and made julissa (and family) uncomfortable with how inappropriate i was. [/INST] nta, but the whole ordeal could have been avoided had your husband done what he should have done, and gave you his seat while he went to fetch another one. in fact, he should have already had an empty seat beside him waiting for you. i can’t imagine putting my wife in such an awkward situation. </s>
AITA for wanting my partner to get a paternity test?	i'm getting married next spring to my fiancé (30m), who has primary custody of his 5 year old daughter, chloe. chloe's bio mom is in and out of the picture, but has only seen her a handful of times this year, and last year was the same. chloe's mom is now with another man and has two other children (aged 1 and 2). she does not pay child support. since we've been engaged, i've been nudging my fiance to get a paternity test for chloe. he and chloe's mom broke up because she was cheating on him, and he acknowledges there's a possibility chloe isn't biologically his. i just want proof she's his before we get married. i'm not sure what i would do if she wasn't his, but i feel like i should be allowed to know the full situation since i'm paying for half her upbringing. aita?	4,001	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cmrwys/aita_for_wanting_my_partner_to_get_a_paternity/	2019-08-06 15:19:52	yta. sounds like you want to get rid of the kid.	yta. it’s clear your fiancé wants this young child in his life. she’s not going anywhere. this is the package deal. you are either in or you are out.	yta, he probably doesn't want to know if she is or isn't. it will 100% break his heart if she isn't. have some sympathy for the man.	yta. since: a) he is happy raising chloe as his daughter and doesn't want to give her up b) the mother is disinterested and clearly didn't get custody for a reason so it's not like chloe could go back to her anyway c) given a) and b), you will be paying for half of chloe's upbringing if you stay with him no matter her paternity what exactly would getting a paternity test accomplish? only flipping a coin to potentially destroy his relationship with his child, along with the stress of a lengthy and expensive court battle if he feels spited enough to sue for child support afterwards. let the man continue to have faith that chloe is his daughter if that's what he wants.	yta - you don't want proof she's his, you want proof she isn't his. he has raised and loved this little girl as his daughter for 5 years and you waltz in and start questioning whether she's his "real" daughter. you're a dick. "since i'm paying for half her upbringing" jfc you better hope your fiance doesn't see this shit. honestly i'm pissed off for him. unbelievable.	yta. because maybe he loves his daughter even if she’s not his bio daughter. you do not need to share dna with someone in order to be a parent.	yta, big time. she's his daughter, biological or not. he has chosen to take primary custody of her and has been her dad for five years. what do you mean "i'm not sure what i would do if she wasn't his"? unless the answer is "marry him anyway and treat her exactly the same because genetics don't make someone a dad" then i would take a really hard look at yourself. he doesn't care if she's his biologically, so why do you?	yta - what does it matter if the child is biologically his? it's still his child. he's her father. he's chosen to take care of her and love her. if your partner had adopted a child, would you feel the same? >i'm not sure what i would do if she wasn't his i'll tell you what you should do. love her! your decision to care for this child shouldn't depend on whether or not she shares genes with your partner. she doesn't share blood with you regardless, are you saying she doesn't deserve love and caring and protection from you? >i feel like i should be allowed to know the full situation you do. your partner has a child. it doesn't matter if its 'biologically' his. your partner has a 5 year old daughter. period.	yta you say " i'm not sure what i would do if she wasn't his" but that's a pretty fucking important question to answer if you're going to put your fiance and \his\ daughter through something like that. and that's the thing here - it's his kid, he's raised her - her biological mother clearly isn't up to the task, and the question is kind of irrelevant at this point, unless you think that chloe is better off with the mother (which from the sound of things clearly isn't true). she's his daughter whether it's biological or not, and it really sounds like you're just looking for a way to get between them.	yta have you ever stopped to consider that perhaps he also worried he may not be her biological father but doesnt want to know? as far as he is concerned that's his kid. end of story. what happens if he's not her biological father? that would likely crush him. and for what, so you can then push him to stop supporting her because she's "not his real daughter?" ask yourself what your end game is and if you actually care about his feelings at all.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i'm getting married next spring to my fiancé (30m), who has primary custody of his 5 year old daughter, chloe. chloe's bio mom is in and out of the picture, but has only seen her a handful of times this year, and last year was the same. chloe's mom is now with another man and has two other children (aged 1 and 2). she does not pay child support. since we've been engaged, i've been nudging my fiance to get a paternity test for chloe. he and chloe's mom broke up because she was cheating on him, and he acknowledges there's a possibility chloe isn't biologically his. i just want proof she's his before we get married. i'm not sure what i would do if she wasn't his, but i feel like i should be allowed to know the full situation since i'm paying for half her upbringing. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i'm getting married next spring to my fiancé (30m), who has primary custody of his 5 year old daughter, chloe. chloe's bio mom is in and out of the picture, but has only seen her a handful of times this year, and last year was the same. chloe's mom is now with another man and has two other children (aged 1 and 2). she does not pay child support. since we've been engaged, i've been nudging my fiance to get a paternity test for chloe. he and chloe's mom broke up because she was cheating on him, and he acknowledges there's a possibility chloe isn't biologically his. i just want proof she's his before we get married. i'm not sure what i would do if she wasn't his, but i feel like i should be allowed to know the full situation since i'm paying for half her upbringing. aita? [/INST] yta. sounds like you want to get rid of the kid. </s>
AITA for telling my mother-in-law that she can't control how I act in my home?	my mother-in-law moved in with us about three months ago. it's been ok. she and i are clashing personalities and cultures, and it's come up more often now that we share a similar space. she is a traditional hispanic woman with a strong sense of decorum and family hierarchy. i am white, liberal in all ways, and agnostic about most traditions, including and especially the need to obey elders. before, out of consideration to my spouse and out of a belief in the my "my house, my rules adage," i used to watch what i said around her very carefully because we only visited with her about once a month. but when my spouse asked if she could live with us, i said i was okay with it as long as i no longer had to walk on eggshells around her. my spouse agreed and told their mother that she needs to respect that we do and say things differently in our home than she may like. i don't know how her mother responded to that but it never came up again. last week, my 10-year-old and i were chatting while having breakfast while she was in the kitchen. we were goofing around and making bodily function sounds to each other. we are very mature, i know. but when i said, "i fart in your general direction!" and made a loud raspberry sound at her (she was giggling like crazy), my mother-in-law slammed down her coffee mug and said, in spanish, "don't you dare teach my granddaughter to be so disrespectful. i will not allow this kind of vulgarity in my home any longer." and i said, in english (i can understand spanish but can't speak it well), "this is my home. you don't get a say in how i interact with my kids, or how any of us speak or act." she stormed away and now isn't speaking to me. my spouse says ita because i embarrassed her in front of our daughter and because i expected her to accept too much, too quickly. they also say that i am being a little culturally insensitive and that i need to respect that abuela will be deeply offended by how i spoke to her, so i need to apologize. but i think it was important for her to see that i will stand up for our interactions/myself and also to stick to what we originally agreed on--that i won't be policed in my own home.	19,086	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/aw9sou/aita_for_telling_my_motherinlaw_that_she_cant/	2019-03-01 21:12:48	nta. you're a legend for teaching your daughter about monty python!	nta i don’t think yta because the mil is overstepping here, big time. maybe you could’ve handled it better if you spoke to her alone but i don’t think you behaved unreasonably at all given the circumstances	nta - culture clash be damned, if you're going to move into someone else's home, you deal with how they run their house, or you gtfo. as long as you're not maliciously trying to offend her, she's just butthurt and needs to buckup.	nta. "and now isn't speaking to me." sounds like problem solved. don't apologize and stand your ground.	nta > "don't you dare teach my granddaughter to be so disrespectful. i will not allow this kind of vulgarity in my home any longer." she needs to respect your house, maybe she doesn't like it, but she needs to have a conversation with you like an adult and not just go off like that to you. even if it was her house, there are ways to go about things, and she did it all wrong. she's acting more immature than any one. &#x200b;	>my spouse says ita because i embarrassed her in front of our daughter and because i expected her to accept too much, too quickly. they also say that i am being a little culturally insensitive and that i need to respect that abuela will be deeply offended by how i spoke to her, so i need to apologize. nta the moment she decided to live with you is the moment she agreed to letting you choose how you live. family or not, she has no say in your home, no matter the cultural background. if anyone should apologize it's her for raising her voice out of nowhere (potentionally scaring your daughter while she was having fun) and claiming it's her home. especially after this had been agreed: >but when my spouse asked if she could live with us, i said i was okay with it as long as i no longer had to walk on eggshells around her. my spouse agreed and told their mother that she needs to respect that we do and say things differently in our home than she may like.	r/justnomil stop by sometime.	nta! it's your home and your kid. she needs to adapt, and fast, to the way you do things in your home. you aren't being "culturally insensitive", she is trying to be controlling.	nta. >"don't you dare teach my granddaughter to be so disrespectful. i will not allow this kind of vulgarity in my home any longer." "so when are you moving out?" seriously, i'd be kicking her out every time she tries to exert her nonexistant authority. stand up for yourself, and don't back down to either your wife or her mother.	it's your house i think your mil is the asshole not you at all. it's your house your rules your kids you will raise them how you want. she needs to shut up and deal with it. that was supposed to of been made clear before she moved in	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	null	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my mother-in-law moved in with us about three months ago. it's been ok. she and i are clashing personalities and cultures, and it's come up more often now that we share a similar space. she is a traditional hispanic woman with a strong sense of decorum and family hierarchy. i am white, liberal in all ways, and agnostic about most traditions, including and especially the need to obey elders. before, out of consideration to my spouse and out of a belief in the my "my house, my rules adage," i used to watch what i said around her very carefully because we only visited with her about once a month. but when my spouse asked if she could live with us, i said i was okay with it as long as i no longer had to walk on eggshells around her. my spouse agreed and told their mother that she needs to respect that we do and say things differently in our home than she may like. i don't know how her mother responded to that but it never came up again. last week, my 10-year-old and i were chatting while having breakfast while she was in the kitchen. we were goofing around and making bodily function sounds to each other. we are very mature, i know. but when i said, "i fart in your general direction!" and made a loud raspberry sound at her (she was giggling like crazy), my mother-in-law slammed down her coffee mug and said, in spanish, "don't you dare teach my granddaughter to be so disrespectful. i will not allow this kind of vulgarity in my home any longer." and i said, in english (i can understand spanish but can't speak it well), "this is my home. you don't get a say in how i interact with my kids, or how any of us speak or act." she stormed away and now isn't speaking to me. my spouse says ita because i embarrassed her in front of our daughter and because i expected her to accept too much, too quickly. they also say that i am being a little culturally insensitive and that i need to respect that abuela will be deeply offended by how i spoke to her, so i need to apologize. but i think it was important for her to see that i will stand up for our interactions/myself and also to stick to what we originally agreed on--that i won't be policed in my own home.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my mother-in-law moved in with us about three months ago. it's been ok. she and i are clashing personalities and cultures, and it's come up more often now that we share a similar space. she is a traditional hispanic woman with a strong sense of decorum and family hierarchy. i am white, liberal in all ways, and agnostic about most traditions, including and especially the need to obey elders. before, out of consideration to my spouse and out of a belief in the my "my house, my rules adage," i used to watch what i said around her very carefully because we only visited with her about once a month. but when my spouse asked if she could live with us, i said i was okay with it as long as i no longer had to walk on eggshells around her. my spouse agreed and told their mother that she needs to respect that we do and say things differently in our home than she may like. i don't know how her mother responded to that but it never came up again. last week, my 10-year-old and i were chatting while having breakfast while she was in the kitchen. we were goofing around and making bodily function sounds to each other. we are very mature, i know. but when i said, "i fart in your general direction!" and made a loud raspberry sound at her (she was giggling like crazy), my mother-in-law slammed down her coffee mug and said, in spanish, "don't you dare teach my granddaughter to be so disrespectful. i will not allow this kind of vulgarity in my home any longer." and i said, in english (i can understand spanish but can't speak it well), "this is my home. you don't get a say in how i interact with my kids, or how any of us speak or act." she stormed away and now isn't speaking to me. my spouse says ita because i embarrassed her in front of our daughter and because i expected her to accept too much, too quickly. they also say that i am being a little culturally insensitive and that i need to respect that abuela will be deeply offended by how i spoke to her, so i need to apologize. but i think it was important for her to see that i will stand up for our interactions/myself and also to stick to what we originally agreed on--that i won't be policed in my own home. [/INST] nta. you're a legend for teaching your daughter about monty python! </s>
AITA for refusing to let my overweight friend ride my horse?	for background, i have 2 horses. both are older (mid to late 20s), but one is very old (nearing 30), small (just above pony size and just under 1000 lbs) and has some back and hip issues. she is still in great shape for her age, is very muscular, and still enjoys riding. we trail ride up the mountains near our barn, usually 1.5-2 hours a ride, and they can be difficult and steep, but she does great with me (i am taller but weigh around 115 lbs). when i bring friends riding, they ride the smaller, older horse and i ride the younger one. this is because the younger horse is very sensitive and not beginner friendly whereas the older one is not sensitive and great for all levels of riding. because of aforementioned issues, i am selective about who i let ride her as it’s difficult for her to carry too much weight, especially up the steep hills and for an extended period of time. i have a friend who is well over 200 lbs, does not know anything about horses, and asked to ride with me. i said no and was honest about why, but still offered for her to come groom them and spend time with them on the ground. she went straight to the body shaming tactic, i was skinny so i don’t understand, the horse is fine if she’s always galloping around with me, bigger people deserve to ride too, she’s shorter than me so it evens out, i’m gate keeping horses, etc. i just told her my horse was an animal with limitations, not a machine, and that i’m not going to sacrifice her welfare to spare her feelings. she was furious and we haven’t spoken since. some friends (who all re also not into horses) think one ride would be fine and i’m being an asshole about her weight. i strongly disagree, i even agreed with her that bigger people can ride, they just need a horse suitable for their size and my horse is not that. so, aita?	18,922	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gqgyqi/aita_for_refusing_to_let_my_overweight_friend/	2020-05-25 19:00:36	nta. the animal's welfare comes before someone's feelings. it's a shitty situation you found yourself in but you did the right thing. there was no "nice" way of telling her no. what more can you do?	nta, and i say that as a plus size rider. an older, pony-size horse is not an appropriate mount for a heavier beginner.	nta - horses are not cars. weight matters	nta. (horse girl here) it’s your horse and you know their limitations and it’s your decision ultimately	nta. i'm lighter than your friend but still overweight, and if someone asks my weight for riding (i go every year or two) i will tack on an extra 15-20 pounds because i don't want to be near the limit of what that horse can carry. i want to be relatively easy on the horse.	ffs. that stupid fucking ‘body shaming’ chestnut needs to get in the bin. ‘bigger people deserve to ride too’ but no horse deserves to have its back broken or otherwise be injured for the sake of your feefees. nta. and what the fuck does ‘gatekeeping horses’ mean? they’re your horses, it’s your job to keep them safe and healthy. of course you’re fucking gatekeeping them.	nta my ex girlfriend owned and rode horses. she offered to let me ride one of the older horses and i declined. i didn't feel right putting my 225 pounds on the poor thing. you know your horse better than anyone. and it's your responsibility to care for its welfare and happiness. you absolutely did the right thing. it's too bad that your friend took it how she did but she's probably sensitive about her body. it sounds like a bummer all the way around.	yta for reposting an old story	nta i am a horse person and i would not be putting a 200lb person on something smaller than a draft cross.	nta, you know what's best for your horse. you shouldn't be expected to sacrifice the welfare of your horse to please her. if she's overweight that's her problem, you're not body shaming her. she obviously doesn't care about horses because nobody who genuinely cared about horses would put their own egos over it's health.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	YTA	NTA	NTA	0.024	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: for background, i have 2 horses. both are older (mid to late 20s), but one is very old (nearing 30), small (just above pony size and just under 1000 lbs) and has some back and hip issues. she is still in great shape for her age, is very muscular, and still enjoys riding. we trail ride up the mountains near our barn, usually 1.5-2 hours a ride, and they can be difficult and steep, but she does great with me (i am taller but weigh around 115 lbs). when i bring friends riding, they ride the smaller, older horse and i ride the younger one. this is because the younger horse is very sensitive and not beginner friendly whereas the older one is not sensitive and great for all levels of riding. because of aforementioned issues, i am selective about who i let ride her as it’s difficult for her to carry too much weight, especially up the steep hills and for an extended period of time. i have a friend who is well over 200 lbs, does not know anything about horses, and asked to ride with me. i said no and was honest about why, but still offered for her to come groom them and spend time with them on the ground. she went straight to the body shaming tactic, i was skinny so i don’t understand, the horse is fine if she’s always galloping around with me, bigger people deserve to ride too, she’s shorter than me so it evens out, i’m gate keeping horses, etc. i just told her my horse was an animal with limitations, not a machine, and that i’m not going to sacrifice her welfare to spare her feelings. she was furious and we haven’t spoken since. some friends (who all re also not into horses) think one ride would be fine and i’m being an asshole about her weight. i strongly disagree, i even agreed with her that bigger people can ride, they just need a horse suitable for their size and my horse is not that. so, aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> for background, i have 2 horses. both are older (mid to late 20s), but one is very old (nearing 30), small (just above pony size and just under 1000 lbs) and has some back and hip issues. she is still in great shape for her age, is very muscular, and still enjoys riding. we trail ride up the mountains near our barn, usually 1.5-2 hours a ride, and they can be difficult and steep, but she does great with me (i am taller but weigh around 115 lbs). when i bring friends riding, they ride the smaller, older horse and i ride the younger one. this is because the younger horse is very sensitive and not beginner friendly whereas the older one is not sensitive and great for all levels of riding. because of aforementioned issues, i am selective about who i let ride her as it’s difficult for her to carry too much weight, especially up the steep hills and for an extended period of time. i have a friend who is well over 200 lbs, does not know anything about horses, and asked to ride with me. i said no and was honest about why, but still offered for her to come groom them and spend time with them on the ground. she went straight to the body shaming tactic, i was skinny so i don’t understand, the horse is fine if she’s always galloping around with me, bigger people deserve to ride too, she’s shorter than me so it evens out, i’m gate keeping horses, etc. i just told her my horse was an animal with limitations, not a machine, and that i’m not going to sacrifice her welfare to spare her feelings. she was furious and we haven’t spoken since. some friends (who all re also not into horses) think one ride would be fine and i’m being an asshole about her weight. i strongly disagree, i even agreed with her that bigger people can ride, they just need a horse suitable for their size and my horse is not that. so, aita? [/INST] nta. the animal's welfare comes before someone's feelings. it's a shitty situation you found yourself in but you did the right thing. there was no "nice" way of telling her no. what more can you do? </s>
AITA for asking my girlfriend to start making me breakfast every morning?	i (27m) have been living with my girlfriend (29f) for several months now. for the most part things are really good and i plan to propose soon and hopefully have at least a couple of kids with her. however we've run up against a conflict. she's an absolute morning person. i hate mornings. by the time i force myself out of bed in the morning and into the shower she's already been up for at least 30 minutes--even though she has to be at work later than i do--and is at the stove making breakfast. she likes a huge breakfast in the morning. she usually has eggs, either french toast or pancakes, hashbrowns or breakfast potatoes, and sausage or bacon. sometimes on weekends it's ham or steak. she eats almost nothing for lunch and usually has a smallish dinner but she loves a huge breakfast. meanwhile i only ever have cold cereal for breakfast, or maybe if i'm feeling really ambitious some instant oatmeal and orange juice. i only even start to come alive halfway through my second cup of coffee and definitely don't feel like cooking in the morning. however my girlfriend obviously does. so recently i asked her if she'd start making breakfast for me, too. she asked if we were going to trade off and if i'd sometimes make breakfast for her, too. i told her "no" but reminded her that i do often make dinner for her. she said that since we trade off making dinner we should trade off making breakfast, too. i told her that there is no way i'll ever be able to muster that kind of energy first thing in the morning, but that since she obviously can that she should just make me breakfast too. i said that it would take next to no extra effort on her part to throw in a couple more eggs, strips of bacon, an extra portion of hashbrowns, etc since she's already doing it for herself, anyway. but it started a fight, with her saying that it wasn't fair for me to expect her to think of me in the morning since i don't do the same for her. she seems to think that her making breakfast for me should figure into our division of labor and that i should do something extra in return. but i think that since she makes a huge breakfast for herself every morning anyway that throwing an extra portion of whatever she's making on for me would take next-to no effort on her part, so why should i have to do more for her in return than i already do?	18,085	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z5ys4j/aita_for_asking_my_girlfriend_to_start_making_me/	2022-11-27 11:17:42	yta lmfao "oh so we'll take turns making breakfast for each other? :d" "oh.. no you'll just make food for me, it's no extra effort for you anyways" the cheek on you.	yta. you should make dinner every night if you want her to make you breakfast daily.	you’re talking about proposing and kids. will she never get a morning off from kids because you hate mornings? she’s already up so she should be the one to pack bags and lunches and cook everyone breakfast? she’s breastfeeding so you never need to cover the night wake ups? she’s home earlier “often” and that’s the person who starts dinner and picks up the kids and deals with the homework but you’re totally doing 50/50. she’s washing her clothes anyway so it’s no extra effort to put yours in - then fold them and put them away cause she’s doing that for the rest of the load right? it sounds like she already feels like she’s doing more and now you’re asking for something else. if it would require effort and energy for you to do it, it requires effort and energy for her to do it. this may be a small amount of additional energy for this one thing but it makes me wonder if she’s already feeling that she’s putting out significantly more effort for household duties as it stands.	i’m trying to understand because i didn’t get it. you want her to maker breakfast for two in the morning because you don’t have the strength to but it’s not supposed to count as a chore like the rest?	yta. if you want her to cook you breakfast every morning, you should cook dinner every night.	if waking up 30 min earlier and helping make breakfast feels impossible—and you somehow think you’ll have kids someday and preserve this childish preference—then yta.	ah, i remember the early days of counting up all you do and all they do. the worst part, but natural to have to get past. my problem here is your unwillingness to try. or to say, is there anything else i could do because i'd appreciate it so much even if you could make me a breakfast every once and a while. also that you think it's going to be 0 less effort. not true, nor is the cost. there's bound to be a way to sort it but it's about your attitudes. good luck.	you are not an asshole for asking. you are absolutely an asshole for insisting after she made a very reasonable suggestion. you already share dinner cooking responsibilities, so it is perfectly reasonable to request the same for breakfast. you just want to take advantage of the fact she is up. and no it isn't just slapping down some extra food. all the planning and prep work also changes. so no, it isn't just slap on a couple of extra things and call it good. if you don't want to share in that work too, then i don't blame her at all for turning you down. yta	idk i mean i would never cook food in our house while my boyfriend is home without offering to make some for him. but at the same time something about your attitude in this post makes me think she has her reasons for not wanting to do something nice for you. the thing you’re asking for is generally reasonable but your whole tone about it is weirdly entitled and annoying. does she agree that things are really good in your relationship? i’d be questioning that assumption right now if i were you. a person who feels loved and happy in their relationship is generally glad to do something like this for their partner. the fact that she went to asking you to do something to balance it out makes me think there’s an imbalance in other parts of your relationship. either that or she’s just very transactional about things. hard to give a judgement on this one without knowing the people and relationship involved better.	>so why should i have to do more for her in return than i already do? because you are asking her to do something for you. like, obviously you should offer do something for her too. if she makes breakfast every morning you do dinner every night, or some other mutually agreed upon task. yta	YTA	YTA	null	null	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	null	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (27m) have been living with my girlfriend (29f) for several months now. for the most part things are really good and i plan to propose soon and hopefully have at least a couple of kids with her. however we've run up against a conflict. she's an absolute morning person. i hate mornings. by the time i force myself out of bed in the morning and into the shower she's already been up for at least 30 minutes--even though she has to be at work later than i do--and is at the stove making breakfast. she likes a huge breakfast in the morning. she usually has eggs, either french toast or pancakes, hashbrowns or breakfast potatoes, and sausage or bacon. sometimes on weekends it's ham or steak. she eats almost nothing for lunch and usually has a smallish dinner but she loves a huge breakfast. meanwhile i only ever have cold cereal for breakfast, or maybe if i'm feeling really ambitious some instant oatmeal and orange juice. i only even start to come alive halfway through my second cup of coffee and definitely don't feel like cooking in the morning. however my girlfriend obviously does. so recently i asked her if she'd start making breakfast for me, too. she asked if we were going to trade off and if i'd sometimes make breakfast for her, too. i told her "no" but reminded her that i do often make dinner for her. she said that since we trade off making dinner we should trade off making breakfast, too. i told her that there is no way i'll ever be able to muster that kind of energy first thing in the morning, but that since she obviously can that she should just make me breakfast too. i said that it would take next to no extra effort on her part to throw in a couple more eggs, strips of bacon, an extra portion of hashbrowns, etc since she's already doing it for herself, anyway. but it started a fight, with her saying that it wasn't fair for me to expect her to think of me in the morning since i don't do the same for her. she seems to think that her making breakfast for me should figure into our division of labor and that i should do something extra in return. but i think that since she makes a huge breakfast for herself every morning anyway that throwing an extra portion of whatever she's making on for me would take next-to no effort on her part, so why should i have to do more for her in return than i already do?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i (27m) have been living with my girlfriend (29f) for several months now. for the most part things are really good and i plan to propose soon and hopefully have at least a couple of kids with her. however we've run up against a conflict. she's an absolute morning person. i hate mornings. by the time i force myself out of bed in the morning and into the shower she's already been up for at least 30 minutes--even though she has to be at work later than i do--and is at the stove making breakfast. she likes a huge breakfast in the morning. she usually has eggs, either french toast or pancakes, hashbrowns or breakfast potatoes, and sausage or bacon. sometimes on weekends it's ham or steak. she eats almost nothing for lunch and usually has a smallish dinner but she loves a huge breakfast. meanwhile i only ever have cold cereal for breakfast, or maybe if i'm feeling really ambitious some instant oatmeal and orange juice. i only even start to come alive halfway through my second cup of coffee and definitely don't feel like cooking in the morning. however my girlfriend obviously does. so recently i asked her if she'd start making breakfast for me, too. she asked if we were going to trade off and if i'd sometimes make breakfast for her, too. i told her "no" but reminded her that i do often make dinner for her. she said that since we trade off making dinner we should trade off making breakfast, too. i told her that there is no way i'll ever be able to muster that kind of energy first thing in the morning, but that since she obviously can that she should just make me breakfast too. i said that it would take next to no extra effort on her part to throw in a couple more eggs, strips of bacon, an extra portion of hashbrowns, etc since she's already doing it for herself, anyway. but it started a fight, with her saying that it wasn't fair for me to expect her to think of me in the morning since i don't do the same for her. she seems to think that her making breakfast for me should figure into our division of labor and that i should do something extra in return. but i think that since she makes a huge breakfast for herself every morning anyway that throwing an extra portion of whatever she's making on for me would take next-to no effort on her part, so why should i have to do more for her in return than i already do? [/INST] yta lmfao "oh so we'll take turns making breakfast for each other? :d" "oh.. no you'll just make food for me, it's no extra effort for you anyways" the cheek on you. </s>
AITA for siding with my friend after he cheated on his wife?	throwaway acct for anonymity. my (27m) friend (24m) and his wife have been married for 3 years and have two small babies. recently, another woman reached out to his wife to tell her that a few years back while they were living in separate states (he was in the military) they slept together. this has caused a great deal of havoc to their marriage and things have been super tense. however, the wife has been extremely toxic lately and although i understand she is hurt, she is taking advantage of this situation to get her way on everything. most recently, she basically guilt tripped my friend into buying an expensive cat because in her words she “deserves it”. they already have 5 other cats and two small babies, and not a lot of economic resources to add another expensive cat into the mix. my buddy agreed as a way to keep the peace. he’s trying to save his marriage, but at what cost? she’s doing whatever she wants (leaving him the kids to go out late, making him do extra work around the house even though he works a very physical job, and now the whole cat situation). i told my wife the situation and how i think she’s being unreasonable but my wife says that his wife is probably very hurt and isn’t dealing well with all the emotions that come from finding out he cheated. as i said, i can empathize, but this is no excuse to treat my friend like dirt. there’s a healthy and unhealthy way to deal with the situation, and she’s choosing the unhealthy way to go about it and causing more damage. my wife is now mad at me… she said she will take the wife’s side on everything and support her in whatever she needs. he’s the one that messed up after all, and he needs to deal with the consequences of his actions. she says he should give her whatever she wants…. but where do you even draw the line? when will he stop paying for a mistake from years ago?? this has now created a rift between me and my wife… but i don’t think i’m being ta here for taking my friends side. look, i know what he did was awful, but two wrongs don’t make a right and she’s just being spiteful and selfish, getting her way in everything she wants and guilting him into big decisions that will only hurt their family even more.	3,846	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/x4n4dg/aita_for_siding_with_my_friend_after_he_cheated/	2022-09-03 06:03:17	yta > this is no excuse to treat my friend like dirt. my dude, it absolutely is. you're right that his wife is not reacting appropriately, since this marriage is clearly long dead. she should just divorce him. but your friend is the one responsible for killing it, and now he has to face the consequences of his own actions. i can understand helping him out if he needs a place to stay or something, but do not take his side. he is absolutely the one in the wrong.	info are you aware that picking the cheaters side in this is giving your wife the impression that you don't think cheating is that bad? even your language about it implies that it wasn't that bad >when will he stop paying for a mistake from years ago??	>when will he stop paying for a mistake from years ago?? the "mistake" might have been a few years ago but the wife just found out about it. him keeping it a secret for all these years shouldn't lessen the anger she rightfully feels.	you basically told your wife that cheating isn’t a big deal and that the wife should get over it. your friend screwed up his marriage. he is reaping what he sowed. you are dumb enough to put your marriage on the line to defend him? if you don’t separate yourself from your friend’s affair issues, you wife will draw that line for you.	wait. they've been married for 3 years, he cheated 'a few years back' and they have 2 small children? so, did he cheat right before or after the wedding? was she pregnant with his child or had she just given birth at the time? this sounds pretty sus from the, 'but he's a great guy' pov you seem to have. your idiot friend destroyed his relationship, and it seems like you think she just has to 'get over it'. yeah, no. the situation is radioactive. are you willing to have it bleed into your own relationship, too?	yta and sound like you're perfectly ok with his cheating and think his wife should just suck it up. as someone that divorced my cheating ex, you have no idea what she's going through or will continue to go through every time he deploys. he broke her trust. now he has to deal with the consequences. if a new kitty helps, then so be it. however, you are 100% indicating to your own wife that this is no big deal and i wouldn't be surprised if she starts watching you like a hawk. the best thing you can do is butt out of their business and stop taking sides. your friend shouldn't have slept with another woman. that's just such a huge game changer. he deserves what's she dishes out at him.	i am leaning more towards yta. i agree that she can’t continuously made demands as repayment for him cheating. they need couples counseling to explore healthy ways to work through the marriage. either she wants to stay and work things out or leave. however, you can’t dictate how people cope with trauma. she has two babies at home and there was at least one incident of confirmed cheating. does cheating a few years back mean when she was pregnant with baby # 1 or right after they got married??? the military is known for cheating. i can guarantee she will think he’s cheating during every deployment. also, if your friend doesn’t care about his wife’s behavior why do you care so much? your friend is tah for cheating to begin with.	she’s better than me i would’ve left his ass then and there and took everything he had 🤷🏼‍♀️	yta your friend is lucky she didn't kick him out and take him for everything he's got. but please, advise him that she's wrong and watch him agree and her kick him out finally. who do you think he will place some of the blame on for giving him bad advice? do you have any idea how long most cheaters have to grovel to be forgiven? imagine your wife. imagine her shaving her bits and putting on that favorite pair of panties and little bra you love. ya see it? now imagine another man in your bed while you're at work, slowly removing them. how much groveling do you think she'd have to do to make it all ok? no really. i mean it. imagine. would you be able to forgive?	yta, your language clearly implies you don’t think what he did was that bad, and to your wife this probably sounds like you condone cheating. also, your friend obviously didn’t care about his wife, her feelings, or her well-being when he chose to sleep around on her, so i don’t think she’s wrong to be putting herself first in this scenario	YTA	INFO	null	null	null	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	0.010352	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: throwaway acct for anonymity. my (27m) friend (24m) and his wife have been married for 3 years and have two small babies. recently, another woman reached out to his wife to tell her that a few years back while they were living in separate states (he was in the military) they slept together. this has caused a great deal of havoc to their marriage and things have been super tense. however, the wife has been extremely toxic lately and although i understand she is hurt, she is taking advantage of this situation to get her way on everything. most recently, she basically guilt tripped my friend into buying an expensive cat because in her words she “deserves it”. they already have 5 other cats and two small babies, and not a lot of economic resources to add another expensive cat into the mix. my buddy agreed as a way to keep the peace. he’s trying to save his marriage, but at what cost? she’s doing whatever she wants (leaving him the kids to go out late, making him do extra work around the house even though he works a very physical job, and now the whole cat situation). i told my wife the situation and how i think she’s being unreasonable but my wife says that his wife is probably very hurt and isn’t dealing well with all the emotions that come from finding out he cheated. as i said, i can empathize, but this is no excuse to treat my friend like dirt. there’s a healthy and unhealthy way to deal with the situation, and she’s choosing the unhealthy way to go about it and causing more damage. my wife is now mad at me… she said she will take the wife’s side on everything and support her in whatever she needs. he’s the one that messed up after all, and he needs to deal with the consequences of his actions. she says he should give her whatever she wants…. but where do you even draw the line? when will he stop paying for a mistake from years ago?? this has now created a rift between me and my wife… but i don’t think i’m being ta here for taking my friends side. look, i know what he did was awful, but two wrongs don’t make a right and she’s just being spiteful and selfish, getting her way in everything she wants and guilting him into big decisions that will only hurt their family even more.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> throwaway acct for anonymity. my (27m) friend (24m) and his wife have been married for 3 years and have two small babies. recently, another woman reached out to his wife to tell her that a few years back while they were living in separate states (he was in the military) they slept together. this has caused a great deal of havoc to their marriage and things have been super tense. however, the wife has been extremely toxic lately and although i understand she is hurt, she is taking advantage of this situation to get her way on everything. most recently, she basically guilt tripped my friend into buying an expensive cat because in her words she “deserves it”. they already have 5 other cats and two small babies, and not a lot of economic resources to add another expensive cat into the mix. my buddy agreed as a way to keep the peace. he’s trying to save his marriage, but at what cost? she’s doing whatever she wants (leaving him the kids to go out late, making him do extra work around the house even though he works a very physical job, and now the whole cat situation). i told my wife the situation and how i think she’s being unreasonable but my wife says that his wife is probably very hurt and isn’t dealing well with all the emotions that come from finding out he cheated. as i said, i can empathize, but this is no excuse to treat my friend like dirt. there’s a healthy and unhealthy way to deal with the situation, and she’s choosing the unhealthy way to go about it and causing more damage. my wife is now mad at me… she said she will take the wife’s side on everything and support her in whatever she needs. he’s the one that messed up after all, and he needs to deal with the consequences of his actions. she says he should give her whatever she wants…. but where do you even draw the line? when will he stop paying for a mistake from years ago?? this has now created a rift between me and my wife… but i don’t think i’m being ta here for taking my friends side. look, i know what he did was awful, but two wrongs don’t make a right and she’s just being spiteful and selfish, getting her way in everything she wants and guilting him into big decisions that will only hurt their family even more. [/INST] yta > this is no excuse to treat my friend like dirt. my dude, it absolutely is. you're right that his wife is not reacting appropriately, since this marriage is clearly long dead. she should just divorce him. but your friend is the one responsible for killing it, and now he has to face the consequences of his own actions. i can understand helping him out if he needs a place to stay or something, but do not take his side. he is absolutely the one in the wrong. </s>
AITA for uninviting my recently widowed brother to a family event?	my f29 brother's wife passed away recently from cancer about 8 weeks ago. he isolated himself from everyone for 2 weeks. mom and dad were so worried about him and so they started inviting him to family events at their house. he agrees to come but then at some point, someone mentions his wife even just her name and he begins to sob. i'm not exaggerating... as a result, dinner get awkward, and whatever event is being hosted gets interrupted. this happened 3 times already. last weekend was my turn to host dinner. ngl my husband and i were worried same thing will happen again. my husband said it'd be almost impossible that no one will mention my brother's wife at some point. so he suggested i let my brother sit this one out. in other words, just let him stay home and get the space he needs. i considered the idea then called my brother and apologized to him for cancelling his invite. he wasn't happy about it which was surprising to me because i thought he was basically forced to attend those events. my parents found out and went off on me calling my behavior disgraceful and saying that i was unsupportive and unfeeling to what my brother's going through to exclude him like that. i explained why i thought this was the best option but they claimed that i took away the comfort and support that my brother gets from the people around him. they said that i was selfish and have no regard for my brother's loss but i 100% do. my husband said that my parents obviously don't care about guests being uncomfortable watching my brother sob at every event and causing it to be cut short like that. they're still pretty much mad at me and demanding i apologize to my brother because i hurt his feelings.	9,498	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xvhtn3/aita_for_uninviting_my_recently_widowed_brother/	2022-10-04 15:19:00	yta it's been 8 weeks. you and your husband are callous, selfish assholes. >my husband said that my parents obviously don't care about guests being uncomfortable watching my brother sob at every event and causing it to be cut short like that. his wife died. wtf is wrong with you two?	yta - sorry your wife died but your sadness kinda bums everyone out so you just need to be alone.	because heaven forbid you bear with a little awkwardness to come together and support and comfort your grieving brother, right? sorry that his grief is such an inconvenience to you. the man lost her only 8 weeks ago. of course he's still struggling, especially since y'all can't help but bring up his wife in conversation, apparently. i'm autistic. i have a really hard time figuring out what to do/say when someone is upset. do i care about people though? absolutely. but i'm eternally awkward. and i don't really like being touched, and i don't like getting wet. well, my friend's dad has days left to live, and my friend is falling to pieces. what did i do? hugged her tight anyway for at least three minutes while she broke down and cried on my shoulder. because that's what you do when you love someone. you get prepared to be uncomfortable once in a while. you don't get to determine how someone gets "the space they need" and there's a big difference between giving someone the freedom to show up or not, and literally dis-inviting them from a family gathering. you sent a clear and concise message: 'you're not welcome'. yta **	holy shit, you and your husband are not just assholes, but whatever comes after that. yta. his grief is going to be uncomfortable for people because its raw and real. he needs people to be able to sit with his discomfort to be supportive. its been weeks, not years. you are so unsupportive and dismissive.	yta. "aita because i excluded my grieving brother from his only source of comfort because he cries like a baby when someone mentions his dead wife who passed a few weeks ago? i mean it's so awkward for us." fixed it for you.	yta. such a shame that your brother didn't get over the loss of his wife in a timeframe that makes you comfortable! uninviting your brother to a family dinner was rude and uncaring!	yta. his wife just died and you uninvited him to family dinners because he makes you feel uncomfortable at a time when needs family support. you basically said “bro, you arent invited because your dead wife situation bums me out.” maybe ya’ll can just not bring up her name unless he does, it’s really not that hard. sweet jesus.	"someone mentions his wife even just her name and he begins to sob. i'm not exaggerating..." where you expecting us to go omg so weird? dude it's normal, i tear up sometimes when i talk about my deceased grandmother and its been 24 years since it happened. its been 8 weeks for him, of course he's still grieving. yta and a very insensible and cruel person.	oh no, i’m so sorry that your sister in laws recent death and your brothers grief is awkward for you all, how terrible that must be for you. yta. the man just lost his wife, deal with the bloody awkwardness and be there for your brother! also, i’m certain you can go an evening and not mention his wife, how is it ‘impossible’?	yta it's weird you act like bringing up your brother's dead wife is inevitable? do you have no filter?	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my f29 brother's wife passed away recently from cancer about 8 weeks ago. he isolated himself from everyone for 2 weeks. mom and dad were so worried about him and so they started inviting him to family events at their house. he agrees to come but then at some point, someone mentions his wife even just her name and he begins to sob. i'm not exaggerating... as a result, dinner get awkward, and whatever event is being hosted gets interrupted. this happened 3 times already. last weekend was my turn to host dinner. ngl my husband and i were worried same thing will happen again. my husband said it'd be almost impossible that no one will mention my brother's wife at some point. so he suggested i let my brother sit this one out. in other words, just let him stay home and get the space he needs. i considered the idea then called my brother and apologized to him for cancelling his invite. he wasn't happy about it which was surprising to me because i thought he was basically forced to attend those events. my parents found out and went off on me calling my behavior disgraceful and saying that i was unsupportive and unfeeling to what my brother's going through to exclude him like that. i explained why i thought this was the best option but they claimed that i took away the comfort and support that my brother gets from the people around him. they said that i was selfish and have no regard for my brother's loss but i 100% do. my husband said that my parents obviously don't care about guests being uncomfortable watching my brother sob at every event and causing it to be cut short like that. they're still pretty much mad at me and demanding i apologize to my brother because i hurt his feelings.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my f29 brother's wife passed away recently from cancer about 8 weeks ago. he isolated himself from everyone for 2 weeks. mom and dad were so worried about him and so they started inviting him to family events at their house. he agrees to come but then at some point, someone mentions his wife even just her name and he begins to sob. i'm not exaggerating... as a result, dinner get awkward, and whatever event is being hosted gets interrupted. this happened 3 times already. last weekend was my turn to host dinner. ngl my husband and i were worried same thing will happen again. my husband said it'd be almost impossible that no one will mention my brother's wife at some point. so he suggested i let my brother sit this one out. in other words, just let him stay home and get the space he needs. i considered the idea then called my brother and apologized to him for cancelling his invite. he wasn't happy about it which was surprising to me because i thought he was basically forced to attend those events. my parents found out and went off on me calling my behavior disgraceful and saying that i was unsupportive and unfeeling to what my brother's going through to exclude him like that. i explained why i thought this was the best option but they claimed that i took away the comfort and support that my brother gets from the people around him. they said that i was selfish and have no regard for my brother's loss but i 100% do. my husband said that my parents obviously don't care about guests being uncomfortable watching my brother sob at every event and causing it to be cut short like that. they're still pretty much mad at me and demanding i apologize to my brother because i hurt his feelings. [/INST] yta it's been 8 weeks. you and your husband are callous, selfish assholes. >my husband said that my parents obviously don't care about guests being uncomfortable watching my brother sob at every event and causing it to be cut short like that. his wife died. wtf is wrong with you two? </s>
AITA ruining my friend's birthday party by taking back the cake I baked for her?	my friend is quirky. she was never diagnosed with anything but she is very clueless sometimes. i have had to spell things out for her a lot. few months back, she borrowed a dress of mine. i really love that dress. there isn't any sentimental value but i got it when we were on vacation few years ago. she also loved the dress and one day just transferred the money to my account and told me that she was keeping the dress. i spoke to her but she just told me that doesn't matter as she has paid me. her birthday was a week ago and her mom asked me to bake a big cake for her. i usually sell cakes cheap (little more than ingredients cost). on her birthday, i went over to her house with the cake 15 mins before the party was due to start and then decided to talk to her mother. like i said, sometimes my friend is really clueless sometimes and i was hoping her mom would speak to her and get my dress back. i was very shocked when she also said that as long as i was paid what does it matter. she told me to just move on as it was just a dress and that my friend really liked it. she told me as long the dress was paid for, what am i complaining about. i got really pissed off and pulled out the amount she paid me just paid me, put it on the table, picked up the cake and left. she got mad and started yelling at me that i was ruining the party. i kept walking back to my house. she kept telling me to give back the cake and that i couldn't take it back just because i want to be petty. i just asked what she was complaining about as i had paid back the money. my friend ended up having a cakeless 16th birthday because of this. aita here?	26,756	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jnxiz8/aita_ruining_my_friends_birthday_party_by_taking/	2020-11-04 14:23:01	nta obviously, but i'm dead laughing at this. they can have the "so what? it's paid for" mentality but if it comes back on them it's petty? lol	nta... but you should have just stolen the dress back while at the party and venmo’d her money back to her. now you have no ‘friend’ and no dress.	"it was not for sale. it cannot be replaced." end of discussion. she did not have a cakeless party. they just had to go to the store. nta. you were openly disrespected and stuck up for yourself.	petty? yes asshole? yes justified? also yes. it wasn't the kindest or most mature thing to do, but hey, you don't let people walk over you so respect for that.	nta i think you are a troll but this was way more satisfactory than most.	nta for demonstrating a fatal flaw in the families approach to logic. they’re wrong btw	nta- shes not a friend i'd like to have. doesn't matter if she sent you money, unless you specifically told her she could keep it the dress still belongs to you. seems like she can't do no wrong in her mother's eyes. i would definitely of done the same thing. if your friendship means anything to her she will give you your dress back.	nta - your friend is entitled af, but her mother is the real piece of work here - what the hell kind of parenting is this? her kid borrows something, refuses to give it back, and thinks that it's okay to just pay you and keep what she wants? she stole from you, her mother backed her up, so you canceled the job and gave her a refund. they are not entitled to your services in addition to stealing your dress.	>she also loved the dress and one day just transferred the money to my account and told me that she was keeping the dress. fuck that birthday nta	nta there wasn't an agreement to sell the dress. if it wasn't for sale, it cannot simply be bought. people can't just take something and give a random amount of money for it. even if that amount is close to or exceeding the value of the object, it was your property and you didn't want to part with it.	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my friend is quirky. she was never diagnosed with anything but she is very clueless sometimes. i have had to spell things out for her a lot. few months back, she borrowed a dress of mine. i really love that dress. there isn't any sentimental value but i got it when we were on vacation few years ago. she also loved the dress and one day just transferred the money to my account and told me that she was keeping the dress. i spoke to her but she just told me that doesn't matter as she has paid me. her birthday was a week ago and her mom asked me to bake a big cake for her. i usually sell cakes cheap (little more than ingredients cost). on her birthday, i went over to her house with the cake 15 mins before the party was due to start and then decided to talk to her mother. like i said, sometimes my friend is really clueless sometimes and i was hoping her mom would speak to her and get my dress back. i was very shocked when she also said that as long as i was paid what does it matter. she told me to just move on as it was just a dress and that my friend really liked it. she told me as long the dress was paid for, what am i complaining about. i got really pissed off and pulled out the amount she paid me just paid me, put it on the table, picked up the cake and left. she got mad and started yelling at me that i was ruining the party. i kept walking back to my house. she kept telling me to give back the cake and that i couldn't take it back just because i want to be petty. i just asked what she was complaining about as i had paid back the money. my friend ended up having a cakeless 16th birthday because of this. aita here?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my friend is quirky. she was never diagnosed with anything but she is very clueless sometimes. i have had to spell things out for her a lot. few months back, she borrowed a dress of mine. i really love that dress. there isn't any sentimental value but i got it when we were on vacation few years ago. she also loved the dress and one day just transferred the money to my account and told me that she was keeping the dress. i spoke to her but she just told me that doesn't matter as she has paid me. her birthday was a week ago and her mom asked me to bake a big cake for her. i usually sell cakes cheap (little more than ingredients cost). on her birthday, i went over to her house with the cake 15 mins before the party was due to start and then decided to talk to her mother. like i said, sometimes my friend is really clueless sometimes and i was hoping her mom would speak to her and get my dress back. i was very shocked when she also said that as long as i was paid what does it matter. she told me to just move on as it was just a dress and that my friend really liked it. she told me as long the dress was paid for, what am i complaining about. i got really pissed off and pulled out the amount she paid me just paid me, put it on the table, picked up the cake and left. she got mad and started yelling at me that i was ruining the party. i kept walking back to my house. she kept telling me to give back the cake and that i couldn't take it back just because i want to be petty. i just asked what she was complaining about as i had paid back the money. my friend ended up having a cakeless 16th birthday because of this. aita here? [/INST] nta obviously, but i'm dead laughing at this. they can have the "so what? it's paid for" mentality but if it comes back on them it's petty? lol </s>
AITA for not wanting a baby to sleep in my room?	i live in dallas and we're going through hell because of this winter storm. my family's house had to deal with rolling black-outs for the past few days, but yesterday is the day that it looked like our power was back on for good, which lead to my mom inviting our neighbors to stay with us. for whatever reason, their power hasn't been on for the past few days and my mom invited them to stay with us without even consulting anyone else in the family. these neighbors have three kids, one of which is a baby who's only a few months old and out of nowhere, my mom told me that the baby and its crib were going in my room. that pissed me the fuck off since she didn't even ask how i felt about that, but she wouldn't listen to my protests; she never does. last night i was trying to get to sleep, but the fucking baby was being noisy. she wasn't crying, she was just making random baby noises and i couldn't deal with it. she eventually fell asleep and so did i, but then she started crying, which woke me up. the parents came in and started consoling the baby back to sleep, but i was still up when the baby woke again and started making more baby noises. i decided to take action of my own. i ended up moving the crib into my sister's room and when she started crying again, it was definitely better for me. but i heard a bunch of confusion in the hallway. the baby's mom was wondering why the crib was in my sister's room and i just pretended to be asleep. but my mom slammed my door opened and immediately called me out. this lead to a giant argument between me and her in the hallway. i was arguing that it's not fair that the baby sleeps in my room, but once again, my fucking bitch mom already decided that she was in the right and that she's not to be questioned. then the neighbor's other kids woke up and the entire house was watching me and my mom scream at each other. things eventually calmed down and the baby went back in my room. but once she was asleep, i pushed the crib into the bathroom and she wasn't discovered until this morning when the baby's dad found her in there. now they're mad at me, but i'm pissed at them and my mom. my mom keeps calling me a brat and the neighbors have already scolded me for what i did, so i retorted by calling them shitty parents who want to pawn their baby off to me instead of taking care of her themselves. now my mom is blaming me for the current tension in the house. who's the bad guy here?	3,362	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/lm93p3/aita_for_not_wanting_a_baby_to_sleep_in_my_room/	2021-02-18 00:28:54	yta - you are 24 yrs old. your parents do not have to provide a roof over your head. do you pay rent? your city is in crisis. your mom is helping a family with children out so they don't freeze. you can handle a baby in your room for a couple of nights during an emergency.	yta. it's a fucking emergency that will be over soon. you are acting like they moved a baby in with you permanently. you are so selfish, you should be ashamed.	yta you should not have moved their child in the middle of the night without telling anyone. that is terrifying for a parent for their kid to not be where they think and to not know what happened. then you doubled down and put the baby in the bathroom? any sympathy i might have had over lack of sleep is gone. grab a pillow and blanket in sleep in the bathroom yourself if it’s so bad in your room	i read the post thinking op is probably 14 years old and just having a rough time. a brat? yes, but kinda understandable why he was upset. but then i see he is 24 years old!! a full grown adult moving a baby around without informing the parents, making the baby sleep in the bathroom, and having a screaming match with his mom in front of neighbors? yta!! a massive one. op, didn't you try asking your mom if the parents could sleep in your room with the baby? then you could've slept where the parents were. seriously, this is a couple of nights in the middle of the worst weather the state has seen in a century and you're worried about your sleep? that is just crazy selfish.	yta. and yep, 100% the brat. it’s literally unsafe for your neighbors to be at their house right now - i’m sure they don’t want to have to spend any time around you either. you’re 24 and far too old to be acting like this imo. grow up.	esh. it's weird that a baby that young would be put in your room instead of putting her crib wherever her parents are sleeping. and practically, it doesn't make a lot of sense. other than that, you do sound like a royal brat. your mother is trying to help out and be neighborly in a crisis. it's inconvenient, sure. but if the situation was reversed and your family was without heat for several days, you would be grateful for a neighbor to take you in.	yta & i wish i could type that in a larger font. this is a state of emergency, people are dying, and you're bitching about a baby in the room your parents allow your adult ass to sleep in?? i could go on, but i like to keep my blood pressure low. you are a selfish brat and should be ashamed of yourself. the end.	yta. not because you don’t want the baby in your room, but because you repeatedly moved the baby and the crib in the middle of the night without telling anyone instead of waiting til morning to have a normal conversation about it. you weren’t left to care for the baby, you said the parents came to care for her when she cried. then screaming and waking everyone up in the middle of the night? yeah, you were a brat about it.	yta, because you clearly are one, but also: what. a. shit. show. information: (i can't even believe i'm asking this. there is no acceptable answer that will justify it.) why wasn't the "few months old" baby sleeping in the room with its parents? or, at the very least, wherever its mother was? google sids. i see some other people have already raised this point—but there is no excuse. the baby should sleep in the same room as its parents, or at least as its mother. whatever had to happen to make that happen should have happened. i think you behaved badly (wtf you pushed the baby's crib into the bathroom? badly is an understatement!) but i think there is massive amounts of information missing here. if your room was the only one that was available that could fit an adult and a baby, then the mom and baby should have taken your room, and you should have slept somewhere else. what the fuck is this post?! if you are trolling well done because i fell hook, line, and sinker.	my only beef is why wasn’t the baby with the parents? i don’t trust a single fucking soul in this earth to have my baby sleep in their room without my presence.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	ESH	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	0.000485	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i live in dallas and we're going through hell because of this winter storm. my family's house had to deal with rolling black-outs for the past few days, but yesterday is the day that it looked like our power was back on for good, which lead to my mom inviting our neighbors to stay with us. for whatever reason, their power hasn't been on for the past few days and my mom invited them to stay with us without even consulting anyone else in the family. these neighbors have three kids, one of which is a baby who's only a few months old and out of nowhere, my mom told me that the baby and its crib were going in my room. that pissed me the fuck off since she didn't even ask how i felt about that, but she wouldn't listen to my protests; she never does. last night i was trying to get to sleep, but the fucking baby was being noisy. she wasn't crying, she was just making random baby noises and i couldn't deal with it. she eventually fell asleep and so did i, but then she started crying, which woke me up. the parents came in and started consoling the baby back to sleep, but i was still up when the baby woke again and started making more baby noises. i decided to take action of my own. i ended up moving the crib into my sister's room and when she started crying again, it was definitely better for me. but i heard a bunch of confusion in the hallway. the baby's mom was wondering why the crib was in my sister's room and i just pretended to be asleep. but my mom slammed my door opened and immediately called me out. this lead to a giant argument between me and her in the hallway. i was arguing that it's not fair that the baby sleeps in my room, but once again, my fucking bitch mom already decided that she was in the right and that she's not to be questioned. then the neighbor's other kids woke up and the entire house was watching me and my mom scream at each other. things eventually calmed down and the baby went back in my room. but once she was asleep, i pushed the crib into the bathroom and she wasn't discovered until this morning when the baby's dad found her in there. now they're mad at me, but i'm pissed at them and my mom. my mom keeps calling me a brat and the neighbors have already scolded me for what i did, so i retorted by calling them shitty parents who want to pawn their baby off to me instead of taking care of her themselves. now my mom is blaming me for the current tension in the house. who's the bad guy here?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i live in dallas and we're going through hell because of this winter storm. my family's house had to deal with rolling black-outs for the past few days, but yesterday is the day that it looked like our power was back on for good, which lead to my mom inviting our neighbors to stay with us. for whatever reason, their power hasn't been on for the past few days and my mom invited them to stay with us without even consulting anyone else in the family. these neighbors have three kids, one of which is a baby who's only a few months old and out of nowhere, my mom told me that the baby and its crib were going in my room. that pissed me the fuck off since she didn't even ask how i felt about that, but she wouldn't listen to my protests; she never does. last night i was trying to get to sleep, but the fucking baby was being noisy. she wasn't crying, she was just making random baby noises and i couldn't deal with it. she eventually fell asleep and so did i, but then she started crying, which woke me up. the parents came in and started consoling the baby back to sleep, but i was still up when the baby woke again and started making more baby noises. i decided to take action of my own. i ended up moving the crib into my sister's room and when she started crying again, it was definitely better for me. but i heard a bunch of confusion in the hallway. the baby's mom was wondering why the crib was in my sister's room and i just pretended to be asleep. but my mom slammed my door opened and immediately called me out. this lead to a giant argument between me and her in the hallway. i was arguing that it's not fair that the baby sleeps in my room, but once again, my fucking bitch mom already decided that she was in the right and that she's not to be questioned. then the neighbor's other kids woke up and the entire house was watching me and my mom scream at each other. things eventually calmed down and the baby went back in my room. but once she was asleep, i pushed the crib into the bathroom and she wasn't discovered until this morning when the baby's dad found her in there. now they're mad at me, but i'm pissed at them and my mom. my mom keeps calling me a brat and the neighbors have already scolded me for what i did, so i retorted by calling them shitty parents who want to pawn their baby off to me instead of taking care of her themselves. now my mom is blaming me for the current tension in the house. who's the bad guy here? [/INST] yta - you are 24 yrs old. your parents do not have to provide a roof over your head. do you pay rent? your city is in crisis. your mom is helping a family with children out so they don't freeze. you can handle a baby in your room for a couple of nights during an emergency. </s>
AITA for refusing to support my niece's lifestyle?	my sister and her husband were sent to prison at the start of this year, and sadly won't be released for a few years. that left me to look after their 15 year old daughter amy. i was perfectly happy to do this, but as most of their wealth was seized for being "ill gotten", it's meant that i've been having to care for her out of my own pocket. once again this doesn't bother me, but it's meant massive life changes for the kid. firstly, they sent her to a private school. i can't afford anywhere near those fees, so i had to transfer her to a local school. she was upset at this at first, but she quickly made friends and is excelling academically so this isn't a huge problem. she's been off school for the last few months anyway due to the situation. a bigger problem is clothing. like my sister amy loves fashion and designer stuff. she's still got a lot of stuff that her parents got her, but she's always on the lookout for new clothes. unfortunately, i can't afford anywhere near the sort of stuff she likes, and i also have two children of my own whose clothing i have to pay for. i have told my sister this, but she insists i should "make allowances" because her daughter is going through a tough time. amy also really doesn't get along with my daughter hannah, who is 11. she bullies her, calls her stupid and ugly, tells her none of her friends really like her etc. she has made her cry on many occasions and and often continues to taunt hannah while she cries. yesterday i caught amy trying to buy a dress costing over a thousand with my card. i was fuming and had a long conversation with her. she cried, and sobbed that she just wanted one nice thing. my sister called from the prison, and amy cried over the phone that she hates here and i treat her unfairly. i spoke to my sister afterwards and she begged me to go easy on her daughter because she's "still adjusting". i put food on this kid's plate. i buy her whatever clothes i can afford, even if they aren't to her taste. i take her to visit her parents as much as possible (they're held in different facilities) and i do all of that on top of working and looking after my own children. i told my sister that i was willing to look after her daughter for as long as she needs, but if anything like the card incident happens again, or if she continues to pick on my daughter, there will be serious consequences for her. my sister wanted to argue but they get limited time on the prison phone. i think what i'm doing is right. i get that the kid is going through a tough time, and i'm doing everything i can to be there for her. but i can't just tolerate bad behaviour or bullying, and i can't afford to pay for her expensive clothing. the fact that she's struggling to deal with what happened to her parents doesn't change that.	22,930	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/iao1c0/aita_for_refusing_to_support_my_nieces_lifestyle/	2020-08-16 07:02:18	nta, obviously. but how are you supporting this child’s transition? is she in therapy yet?	nta your sister is at a whole new level of entitlement here. her own choices have placed amy in this situation, and it's fallen on you to care for her. you have stepped up and it sounds like you're doing a bang-up job. your responsibilities are to ensure that amy is fed, clothed, housed, educated, and loved/supported. you're doing all those things. your responsibilities do not extend to buying amy designer clothing, much less a dress that costs $1,000 if you are on a budget. &#x200b; amy is indeed going through a tough time but she needs to learn a couple of tough lessons. namely, your income can't cover the same lifestyle that her mother's ill-gotten funds did, she is not owed designer clothes, using your credit card without your permission is absolutely stealing, and is not justified by "wanting one nice thing". &#x200b; good for you for role-modelling some sane and reasonable values for this poor girl before she grows up to repeat all of her mother's mistakes.	am i harsh? sit this kid down (15yo ffs) and give her a few home truths. her previous lifestyle was funded by the criminal proceeds of her criminal parents who because of their crimes are now banged up. now either get a bit of character and learn to adapt with grace to your new circumstances n budget or go into care. she's already showing criminal tenancies by taking your card w/out your consent. her choice. yta for letting this verucca salt continue to abuse your kids doing untold damage to your (previously happy) kids and making them feel unsafe in their own home.	nta is your niece in therapy?	nta. i know you said that money is kind of tight but you need to shell out for one more expense: therapy for amy. maybe you can get someone to see her on a sliding scale proportionate to your income. she’s bullying your daughter because she feels powerless and a younger child is the one person she can have power over. you’re a great aunt/uncle for going the distance. a lot of people would have let amy end up in foster care and not have thought twice about it. but, you have to get that girl professional help. as for your sister, her irresponsible behind doesn’t get a vote on anything after what she’s done. so, she can stop whining to you about going easy on amy. by the way, no 15 year-old needs a thousand dollar dress and you can tell her that i said so.	nah — amy isn’t a spoiled brat, as some less than kind people have been commenting here. she’s a traumatized teen who’s just lost both her parents to the prison system and now has to adapt to a very, very different way of life and it’s an extreme adjustment for someone to do without her parents by her side and in a totally new home with a “sibling” when she was used to being the only child. yes, amy’s behavior cannot continue this way and op and hannah do not deserve to be treated this way, but amy also more than deserves compassion from us commenters. i read in the comments that op is hopefully going to get amy therapy and i think that will help her a ton. op is also n t a here for setting boundaries and limits with amy, because she can’t afford amy’s old life and she also is now responsible for teaching amy how to live in the “real” world and she also will be responsible for showing amy what a real family is like, one that doesn’t rely on illegal behavior.	a $1000 dress is not a nice thing, it's a crazy caprice. 15 yo is old enough to understand that she was spoiled with ill-acquired money, that this was illegal and can't go on. you are doing the right thing by saying no. the problem is how to "force" her change, and most of all, to stop her from bullying your kids. i really don't know what you should do. is there some specialized educator you could get in touch with?	nta. did your sister ever explain to her daughter why her parents went to prison? it obviously had to do with having money they weren’t entitled to or it wouldn’t have been frozen. when she visits them do you know if her parents are telling her this is no big deal, everything’s cool, we’ll be back on top again really soon and everything will be like it was? if the daughter has not faced and isn’t facing what’s happening, that the money and lifestyle are gone and she better get right with you fast if she wants dinner and a roof over her head, this may need some sit downs between you and your sister to explain the way things are going to be. “your parents are in prison because they done wrong and took money that wasn’t theirs. it’s gone forever. you won’t get it from me and if you try to take it there will be consequences; look to your parents for reference.”	nta. you are putting up your best effort. amy is going through a lot, that doesn't excuse her misbehaviour. you are an adult, and taking care of her, for free, even though you are not required too. you could have said no. she shouldn't get away with trying to use or card or bullying your daughter. bullying is not forgivable. if amy wants expensive stuff, tell her to get a job, she is 15, she can do part time and spend her own money on designer clothes. and if your sister keeps wsking you to go easy on her, tell her to earn money herself, and send it to her daughter for spending. i am really proud of you for taking amy into your care and giving her a good life.	nta. firstly, the kid is old enough for a conversation. have you talked to her about the situation- i.e- your parents weren’t wealthy on their own- they stole from others? so her inflated sense of wealth is no longer? that you do not have that kind of money, and therefore she is going to have to deal with the current reality? that it is not at all acceptable that she steal from you or bully her younger cousin? that there will be consequences for continued evidence of either? i’m sure this seems rather obvious, but given the shock she’s been through maybe she hasn’t fully processed all this. and despite all of that, let her know that she is loved, which is why she has a place to live right now. and that, while it is unfortunate that she has been thrown into the mix of all this, it is what it is and she has to adjust to it. she has a minimal amount of time to position herself well for future goals and success so she’d better get to work. she no longer has her parent’s wealth to rely on to maintain her previous lifestyle. secondly, you need to have a conversation with your sister. not only is her daughter also paying for her crimes, but she did a job on her daughter. she has thus far raised a selfish and entitled mean girl who sees nothing wrong in trying to steal from the only family who can take her in, and bully her younger cousin. she is a product of their hubris and now this girl is set up badly for the life she will have to have. she will have to grow up rather quickly and realize that while none of this is her fault, it is what it is. her mom has to stop making excuses for her behavior and asking you to do so. it’s a really rotten situation for all. however, allowing the kid to live in denial about her situation will not help her overall. right now she has a roof over her head, food, clothes, and can see her parents. you will need to provide her a clear set of reasonable boundaries for her behavior and hold her accountable to them. and, you need to tell your sister the same. this is the reality of the situation. she needs to inform her daughter that she is lucky to have a place to live with family, and has to pull it together and adjust to the new reality, because life will never be as it was again. she is going to have to learn how to be successful on her own and in a legal way. she will likely need to grieve for the life she lost with her parents for a bit, but having those boundaries in place and holding her accountable will hopefully provide her the structure she needs to build a new life going forward. in the meantime, depending where you live, most cities have counseling services available on a sliding scale basis so if you cannot afford much then it may be low to free cost for her to be able to access. she is going to need to work through some issues to process everything that has tossed her world upside down. and, if the attempts at stealing or bullying continue, you will have to hold her accountable to that behavior. which may mean calling police, or getting children’s services involved and re-homing if it gets that bad. i would call children’s services and see what your options are if this behavior escalated and she puts your family at risk. you need to know what boundaries you can enforce. hopefully she will come to the realization that while her life will never be as it was, she is lucky that she has a soft place to land and start over.	NTA	NTA	YTA	NTA	NTA	NAH	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	0.048498	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my sister and her husband were sent to prison at the start of this year, and sadly won't be released for a few years. that left me to look after their 15 year old daughter amy. i was perfectly happy to do this, but as most of their wealth was seized for being "ill gotten", it's meant that i've been having to care for her out of my own pocket. once again this doesn't bother me, but it's meant massive life changes for the kid. firstly, they sent her to a private school. i can't afford anywhere near those fees, so i had to transfer her to a local school. she was upset at this at first, but she quickly made friends and is excelling academically so this isn't a huge problem. she's been off school for the last few months anyway due to the situation. a bigger problem is clothing. like my sister amy loves fashion and designer stuff. she's still got a lot of stuff that her parents got her, but she's always on the lookout for new clothes. unfortunately, i can't afford anywhere near the sort of stuff she likes, and i also have two children of my own whose clothing i have to pay for. i have told my sister this, but she insists i should "make allowances" because her daughter is going through a tough time. amy also really doesn't get along with my daughter hannah, who is 11. she bullies her, calls her stupid and ugly, tells her none of her friends really like her etc. she has made her cry on many occasions and and often continues to taunt hannah while she cries. yesterday i caught amy trying to buy a dress costing over a thousand with my card. i was fuming and had a long conversation with her. she cried, and sobbed that she just wanted one nice thing. my sister called from the prison, and amy cried over the phone that she hates here and i treat her unfairly. i spoke to my sister afterwards and she begged me to go easy on her daughter because she's "still adjusting". i put food on this kid's plate. i buy her whatever clothes i can afford, even if they aren't to her taste. i take her to visit her parents as much as possible (they're held in different facilities) and i do all of that on top of working and looking after my own children. i told my sister that i was willing to look after her daughter for as long as she needs, but if anything like the card incident happens again, or if she continues to pick on my daughter, there will be serious consequences for her. my sister wanted to argue but they get limited time on the prison phone. i think what i'm doing is right. i get that the kid is going through a tough time, and i'm doing everything i can to be there for her. but i can't just tolerate bad behaviour or bullying, and i can't afford to pay for her expensive clothing. the fact that she's struggling to deal with what happened to her parents doesn't change that.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my sister and her husband were sent to prison at the start of this year, and sadly won't be released for a few years. that left me to look after their 15 year old daughter amy. i was perfectly happy to do this, but as most of their wealth was seized for being "ill gotten", it's meant that i've been having to care for her out of my own pocket. once again this doesn't bother me, but it's meant massive life changes for the kid. firstly, they sent her to a private school. i can't afford anywhere near those fees, so i had to transfer her to a local school. she was upset at this at first, but she quickly made friends and is excelling academically so this isn't a huge problem. she's been off school for the last few months anyway due to the situation. a bigger problem is clothing. like my sister amy loves fashion and designer stuff. she's still got a lot of stuff that her parents got her, but she's always on the lookout for new clothes. unfortunately, i can't afford anywhere near the sort of stuff she likes, and i also have two children of my own whose clothing i have to pay for. i have told my sister this, but she insists i should "make allowances" because her daughter is going through a tough time. amy also really doesn't get along with my daughter hannah, who is 11. she bullies her, calls her stupid and ugly, tells her none of her friends really like her etc. she has made her cry on many occasions and and often continues to taunt hannah while she cries. yesterday i caught amy trying to buy a dress costing over a thousand with my card. i was fuming and had a long conversation with her. she cried, and sobbed that she just wanted one nice thing. my sister called from the prison, and amy cried over the phone that she hates here and i treat her unfairly. i spoke to my sister afterwards and she begged me to go easy on her daughter because she's "still adjusting". i put food on this kid's plate. i buy her whatever clothes i can afford, even if they aren't to her taste. i take her to visit her parents as much as possible (they're held in different facilities) and i do all of that on top of working and looking after my own children. i told my sister that i was willing to look after her daughter for as long as she needs, but if anything like the card incident happens again, or if she continues to pick on my daughter, there will be serious consequences for her. my sister wanted to argue but they get limited time on the prison phone. i think what i'm doing is right. i get that the kid is going through a tough time, and i'm doing everything i can to be there for her. but i can't just tolerate bad behaviour or bullying, and i can't afford to pay for her expensive clothing. the fact that she's struggling to deal with what happened to her parents doesn't change that. [/INST] nta, obviously. but how are you supporting this child’s transition? is she in therapy yet? </s>
AITA for letting a girl believe regular brownies were “weed brownies” and letting her make a fool of herself all night in front of our friends?	so there’s this girl in my friend group. she has a tendency to be kind of over the top and stretches the truth a lot. we all were hanging out over the weekend to celebrate another friend’s birthday. apparently a few people had the idea to give her “pot brownies” and see how she’d react. the catch is that they had nothing in them at all. but they were banking on her acting high anyway to fit in with everyone else. i didn’t find out about this whole plan until i got there. everyone else pretended to be high and so did the girl, predictably. i didn’t participate in that part but i also didn’t tell her it was all a huge joke at her expense. at the end of the night someone told her and called her out on always being fake. she got really upset and ended up leaving the party early by herself. i do feel bad for her but i also feel like she kind of brings this on herself sometimes because she’s always trying too hard. again though, this wasn’t my prank and i probably wouldn’t have planned something like this myself. but it is what it is now. aita? **	12,340	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dbkeeh/aita_for_letting_a_girl_believe_regular_brownies/	2019-09-30 23:37:02	yta. there can be a placebo effect when people unknowingly drink non-alcoholic beer, i imagine something similar can happen when people are told they've ingested marijuana. even if she is over the top, an entire group of people came together to bully a girl. like that's it. she's insecure and her "friends" stood around mocking her. bravo.	yta. if you already know she stretches the truth and none of you like her, why are you even hanging out with her in the first place? so you can bully her? she’s obviously got her own flaws, but evidently so do you. grow up.	i mean, yta. preying on your friend's insecurities seems really mean.. i can't help but feel that the worst pranks are the ones that leave the prankee feeling like shit after. i'm not even involved and i feel bad.	yta. some “friends” you lot are.	yta if she is probably just insecure, and who wouldn't be woth friends like these assholes? y'all were totally cruel and for what reason, becuase she streches the truth sometimes. that's not malicious but y'all certainly are. you should all apologize.	yta (and all of her "friends") to start off - sounds like she needs to be called out, and reassured, in private, that she doesn't need to lie to kick it. to have a big group of people she trusts be in on this "plot" to expose her is just cruel. a group of people banded together (against her) with the sole purpose of "teaching her a lesson"... to be clear - she needs to know what she's doing is unnecessary and annoying. have a closer friend talk to her about this issue. reassure her that you all dig her as she is. call out obvious lies as they occur. (not in a group setting) .....also.... check in on her. this level of humiliation can cause people to do incredibly harmful things to themselves.	yta. a relatively mild one for the prank, since it wasn't your prank, you just didn't intervene. but you're a bigger ta for this: > i do feel bad for her but i also feel like she kind of brings this on herself sometimes because she’s always trying too hard. what exactly do you think this phrase even means? trying too hard? she's trying to have friends. to fit in. to have fun like everyone else. those aren't bad things to want or try to have or even put effort into getting! why do they warrant some sort of punishment? jfc who taught you and your friends that someone wanting to fit in was bad and wrong?	esh except the girl. that said, you don’t especially suck (the ones who planned it suck more) but you still suck for participating and being a part of humiliating her in a group setting. her being over the top doesn’t give everyone permission to be jerks to her for fun or to “teach her a lesson”. you were all bullies to her. this is the way movies like carrie come about.	wow, that's some mean girls level of behavior. yta and certainly not this poor girl's friends.	random note for the commenters here; bear in mind that if she did think they were pot brownies odds are she had at least some level of placebo effect going on	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	ESH	YTA	null	0.000485	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so there’s this girl in my friend group. she has a tendency to be kind of over the top and stretches the truth a lot. we all were hanging out over the weekend to celebrate another friend’s birthday. apparently a few people had the idea to give her “pot brownies” and see how she’d react. the catch is that they had nothing in them at all. but they were banking on her acting high anyway to fit in with everyone else. i didn’t find out about this whole plan until i got there. everyone else pretended to be high and so did the girl, predictably. i didn’t participate in that part but i also didn’t tell her it was all a huge joke at her expense. at the end of the night someone told her and called her out on always being fake. she got really upset and ended up leaving the party early by herself. i do feel bad for her but i also feel like she kind of brings this on herself sometimes because she’s always trying too hard. again though, this wasn’t my prank and i probably wouldn’t have planned something like this myself. but it is what it is now. aita? **	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> so there’s this girl in my friend group. she has a tendency to be kind of over the top and stretches the truth a lot. we all were hanging out over the weekend to celebrate another friend’s birthday. apparently a few people had the idea to give her “pot brownies” and see how she’d react. the catch is that they had nothing in them at all. but they were banking on her acting high anyway to fit in with everyone else. i didn’t find out about this whole plan until i got there. everyone else pretended to be high and so did the girl, predictably. i didn’t participate in that part but i also didn’t tell her it was all a huge joke at her expense. at the end of the night someone told her and called her out on always being fake. she got really upset and ended up leaving the party early by herself. i do feel bad for her but i also feel like she kind of brings this on herself sometimes because she’s always trying too hard. again though, this wasn’t my prank and i probably wouldn’t have planned something like this myself. but it is what it is now. aita? ** [/INST] yta. there can be a placebo effect when people unknowingly drink non-alcoholic beer, i imagine something similar can happen when people are told they've ingested marijuana. even if she is over the top, an entire group of people came together to bully a girl. like that's it. she's insecure and her "friends" stood around mocking her. bravo. </s>
AITA for telling my morbidly obese 10 year old sister to eat healthier?	so i'm 17 and i used to be morbidly obese. i was actually morbidly obese until last year when i decided to stop eating my parents food and make my own. i'm now at a normal healthy weight, going to the gym everyday and trying to build musey and i feel really great. i went from 130kg to 70kg and i'm 5ft 9 anyways my sister eats horribly. she is morbidly obese. my parents always buy her huge bags of sweets (in which she eats all of it), she eats an entire pizza for dinner, eats a huge doritos share bag all by herself, is practically allergic to water, burgers and oily drenched chips is a tradition in our house too anyways i saw her eating 5 white bread grilled cheese sandwhiches fried in a pan filled with butter. the sandwhiches were practically soaked with oily butter and with 2 packets of crisps on the side. my mother made it for her. 5 sandwhiches. it's absolutely insane i think and there was nice coke can to go with it. i told my sister that she could at least substitute the coke for water and that the volume of food was too much. i offered her a piece of tofu in which i was having for lunch. tofu is actually delicious. more people should try it. she told my mother and my mother screamed at me and told me that i'm ruining her childhood and that nobody told me to eat healthy when i was a child(i wish someone did). apparently eating junk and being huge is a good childhood. my mother said i wad being extremely offensive and that she might now not let me go off with my friends next week anymore for camping. was i in the wrong?	21,871	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bduq2d/aita_for_telling_my_morbidly_obese_10_year_old/	2019-04-16 14:42:34	nta. that’s actually a form of abuse that they’re feeding her massive enough amounts of junk food where she became obese. i don’t think you’ll have any luck helping them change right now, but good job on your own weight loss. keep it up.	nta > she told my mother and my mother screamed at me and told me that i'm ruining her childhood if your sister's fondest childhood memories are of her mother feeding her 5 grilled cheese sandwiches at a time, it's not you who is ruining her childhood.	yta - you need to tell your parents, not her. you and her have one thing in common: the same parents who taught you the same bad nutritional habits. telling a 10 year old who isn't in charge of the shopping and the cooking to "eat healthier" is going to do jack shit. telling a 10 year old to change the only habits they know doesn't work. at this point you're just making her feel like she is the problem. once again the problem is your parents. she is old enough to start seeing the link between food consumed and health, but she isn't old enough to change her whole life. you want to help her change? take up some of the cooking and shopping duties at home while you're still living there.	nta. i don't think you said anything horrible. i feel awful for your sister. at 10yrs old, your parents need to parent her and teach her proper nutrition. this is going to form habits that are so hard to break as she gets older. i still feel the affects from when i was overweight bordering on obese as a child. could you maybe take your sister with you on some activities? i think having her try your healthy food is a nice step as well.	nta. a little extra weight isn’t all that bad but it sounds like your sister has an eating disorder and if nobody speaks up she’s going to eat herself into a very early grave. what your mom is doing is child abuse.	esh this really isn’t something you can bring up to your sister and expect her to change on her own. she’s 10 years old. i’m assuming she doesn’t do most of the shopping/cooking so it’d be pretty hard for her to change all this on your own. you also shouldn’t make it about her being obese - some people are obese but still eat healthy. it’s really about health. i would bring it up with your parents and then encourage and support your sister to eat healthier, but don’t body shame her.	yta. she's a child and isn't the one who is creating her health issues. yelling at her is just compounding on the problem. &#x200b;	nta but.... > i offered her a piece of tofu in which i was having for lunch. tofu is actually delicious. more people should try it. &#x200b; why do people lie when trying to turn people onto healthy food? someone drilling 5 grilled cheeses into their face isn't going to go right to liking tofu. there is tons of good flavorful healthy food out there, try to start with something a little more appealing.	yta - i was a morbidly obese 10 year old. at 10 years old, your parents are still doing the providing and mine also did not see anything wrong with what they were doing. i lost the weight at 15 when i was better able to take control of what i ate and if my parents didn’t want to cook for me, i knew how to do so for myself. talk to your parents or help educate your sister on healthier eating	[removed]	NTA	NTA	YTA	NTA	NTA	ESH	YTA	NTA	YTA	null	0.654729	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so i'm 17 and i used to be morbidly obese. i was actually morbidly obese until last year when i decided to stop eating my parents food and make my own. i'm now at a normal healthy weight, going to the gym everyday and trying to build musey and i feel really great. i went from 130kg to 70kg and i'm 5ft 9 anyways my sister eats horribly. she is morbidly obese. my parents always buy her huge bags of sweets (in which she eats all of it), she eats an entire pizza for dinner, eats a huge doritos share bag all by herself, is practically allergic to water, burgers and oily drenched chips is a tradition in our house too anyways i saw her eating 5 white bread grilled cheese sandwhiches fried in a pan filled with butter. the sandwhiches were practically soaked with oily butter and with 2 packets of crisps on the side. my mother made it for her. 5 sandwhiches. it's absolutely insane i think and there was nice coke can to go with it. i told my sister that she could at least substitute the coke for water and that the volume of food was too much. i offered her a piece of tofu in which i was having for lunch. tofu is actually delicious. more people should try it. she told my mother and my mother screamed at me and told me that i'm ruining her childhood and that nobody told me to eat healthy when i was a child(i wish someone did). apparently eating junk and being huge is a good childhood. my mother said i wad being extremely offensive and that she might now not let me go off with my friends next week anymore for camping. was i in the wrong?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> so i'm 17 and i used to be morbidly obese. i was actually morbidly obese until last year when i decided to stop eating my parents food and make my own. i'm now at a normal healthy weight, going to the gym everyday and trying to build musey and i feel really great. i went from 130kg to 70kg and i'm 5ft 9 anyways my sister eats horribly. she is morbidly obese. my parents always buy her huge bags of sweets (in which she eats all of it), she eats an entire pizza for dinner, eats a huge doritos share bag all by herself, is practically allergic to water, burgers and oily drenched chips is a tradition in our house too anyways i saw her eating 5 white bread grilled cheese sandwhiches fried in a pan filled with butter. the sandwhiches were practically soaked with oily butter and with 2 packets of crisps on the side. my mother made it for her. 5 sandwhiches. it's absolutely insane i think and there was nice coke can to go with it. i told my sister that she could at least substitute the coke for water and that the volume of food was too much. i offered her a piece of tofu in which i was having for lunch. tofu is actually delicious. more people should try it. she told my mother and my mother screamed at me and told me that i'm ruining her childhood and that nobody told me to eat healthy when i was a child(i wish someone did). apparently eating junk and being huge is a good childhood. my mother said i wad being extremely offensive and that she might now not let me go off with my friends next week anymore for camping. was i in the wrong? [/INST] nta. that’s actually a form of abuse that they’re feeding her massive enough amounts of junk food where she became obese. i don’t think you’ll have any luck helping them change right now, but good job on your own weight loss. keep it up. </s>
AITA for selling my daughter's car after discovering her texting & driving?	when my daughter was 14, wife and i decided we would buy a car for her to use on her 16th if she proved herself to be responsible, got good grades, etc. there would be a "contract" of sorts to ensure we were all on the same page. the stipulations were continuing good grades, good attitude, she could only bring one friend with her somewhere (to begin with), we had to know where she was, and the obvious two: don't drink & drive, and don't text and drive. we made it clear that we were buying the car, but it was for her to use. we got the car, a 2012 honda civic. she has a summer job right now, it's summer break so she's out doing stuff with her friends, etc. in a few months she will be off to college. everything was going swimmingly. until someone on that nextdoor app started posting pictures and videos of bad drivers in the area. and lo and behold, my daughter was posted with her face down as she texted and rolled through a stop sign. once with her face down in her phone at a stoplight. i was livid. my wife was the one who showed it to me. we found out there were more instances (from her instagram stories) and we decided... no. wife and i up and sold the car. we didn't lose very much in the process, except of course our daughter completely came unraveled. it's so unfair, i didn't hurt anyone, everyone's doing it, how am i supposed to get to work, what about when i go to college? well, we said no, it's not unfair, you hurt us by being a shitty, irresponsible driver, no, not everyone's doing it, you can walk, ride your bike, or take the bus, and as for college, you don't need the car to get to and from classes, and again, ride your bike or walk. she tried to play the "how can you send your daughter to college without her safety in mind?" card and i said "well, well, well, now you're concerned about safety?" and she just up and screamed. this has everyone in our life up in arms and divided. her grandparents think we're being over the top and awful, that grounding her would have sufficed. they've threatened that they will buy her a car again if we try to send her to college without one. the car is already sold, so there's no going back. i think what we did was absolutely correct, that actions have consequences and we would be in the wrong to pull back from that. in terms of her going to college? well, she made that choice. she had a car, it came with certain stipulations, she disobeyed us, and now she pays the price. so aita?	30,323	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cb6xz4/aita_for_selling_my_daughters_car_after/	2019-07-09 21:11:32	nta. frankly i admire your restraint.	>her grandparents think we're being over the top and awful, that grounding her would have sufficed. they've threatened that they will buy her a car again if we try to send her to college without one. you better shut that shit down immediately. you and wife have done a good job and the punishment seems proportionate imo. distracted driving kills. full stop. old people love to spoil their relatives because it makes them feel involved. also it sounds like there might be some deeper need to undermine your authority as parents. hopefully, it isnt malicious and just misplaced desire to care for their granddaughter. nta &#x200b;	nta. you'd a contract and she violated it. > she tried to play the "how can you send your daughter to college without her safety in mind?" card and i said "well, well, well, now you're concerned about safety?" burrrrrrn	[deleted]	nta, and her sense of outrage and entitlement instead of shame and contrition at getting caught in the act should only reaffirm you made the right choice. she’s not sorry, she’s pissed. if it were me, i’d need to see a major and genuine attitude upgrade before even considering relenting and i’d be telling the grandparents that until she’s 18 there’s no way she’s driving a car from them either... and then they can put her on their insurance. sometimes you have to do unpopular things to teach your kids important lessons and help protect them from their own bad choices. they should be supporting you, not undermining you. ugh.	esh, i'm 100% sure half the nta have texted and drove at some point. i don't disagree with consequences but you've taken zero steps to make her a safer driver. texting and driving is serious but what's going to happen when she buys her own car and you're not around? one strike policies are generally bad ideas.	nta- actions have consequences. doesn’t stop you from buying her another car in the short/medium term future if she can show she’s learned from what happened	esh. you're kid is an idiot, but she's also a kid so its kind of a given. i don't know what lesson you think you're giving her, but selling the car is not gonna help her become a safer driver. is your plan just to wait until she buys her own car and then hope for the best? i think you've confused punishing with teaching here, and it makes you guys assholes. &#x200b;	nta. your daughter is being naïve. this natural for her. but she needs to understand, it doesn’t matter that no one was hurt, what matters is that someone could have very easily been hurt. she is wielding a deadly weapon, and she has consciously chosen to wield it with reckless disregard for the safety of those around her: your friends and neighbors. your grandparents also need to back off. they aren’t raising your daughter, you are. frankly, there isn’t any need for a college kid to have a car these days. you can get a place to sleep near the college and you can get most things you’d need delivered to your door. a car means you need to pay for parking, find a parking spot, maintain the car; it’s actually a bit of a hassle, honestly. this is a parenting decision. granted, after turning 18, you legally become an adult. but as kids remain dependent on their parents to age 25, especially college bound kids, they’re in your custody and you are in charge. are grandparents going to pay her tuition? do they want to adopt her? no, they are undermining your authority as a parent.	everyone’s saying nta here, so ima play devils advocate. ima say esh. your daughter sucked for texting and driving. and you sucked for selling the car. i understand you had a “contract”. i understand you’re trying to teach her a lesson. she should be taught a lesson. but selling the car? a bit overboard in my opinion. you could’ve took the keys from her and withheld her driving privileges for a month or two. hell, you could’ve taken her cell phone for a month as well. i bet that would’ve livened her ass up. but now you sold the car which was gonna be her primary means of transport in the future + college like she said. idk if you and your family just got money to blow or what, but i guess you don’t mind being out thousands of dollars to prove a point. if it were me, i’d have took the car and phone for a month or so. now, you have to buy her another car down the road (let’s be real, she’s gonna need a car, and at some point you’re all gonna move past this, she’ll have learned her lesson, and you’ll be buying another car) bc you sold the one you already bought to make a point. and let’s get something straight before people start downvoting and saying how bad texting and driving is - no shit. i agree. texting and driving is bad. common sense. but i’d bet my damn life we’ve all done it before at least once or twice. some people probably do it all the time but you’re still gonna say nta. op has probably texted and drove/drives. i understand the point you’re trying to make to your daughter, but to sell the car over it is just a bit over the top in my opinion. yes, she shouldn’t be texting and driving. should she be taught a lesson? yes. i just feel like there are better ways op could’ve went about it than selling the car. that’s all i’m trying to say.	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	ESH	NTA	ESH	NTA	NTA	0.06929	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: when my daughter was 14, wife and i decided we would buy a car for her to use on her 16th if she proved herself to be responsible, got good grades, etc. there would be a "contract" of sorts to ensure we were all on the same page. the stipulations were continuing good grades, good attitude, she could only bring one friend with her somewhere (to begin with), we had to know where she was, and the obvious two: don't drink & drive, and don't text and drive. we made it clear that we were buying the car, but it was for her to use. we got the car, a 2012 honda civic. she has a summer job right now, it's summer break so she's out doing stuff with her friends, etc. in a few months she will be off to college. everything was going swimmingly. until someone on that nextdoor app started posting pictures and videos of bad drivers in the area. and lo and behold, my daughter was posted with her face down as she texted and rolled through a stop sign. once with her face down in her phone at a stoplight. i was livid. my wife was the one who showed it to me. we found out there were more instances (from her instagram stories) and we decided... no. wife and i up and sold the car. we didn't lose very much in the process, except of course our daughter completely came unraveled. it's so unfair, i didn't hurt anyone, everyone's doing it, how am i supposed to get to work, what about when i go to college? well, we said no, it's not unfair, you hurt us by being a shitty, irresponsible driver, no, not everyone's doing it, you can walk, ride your bike, or take the bus, and as for college, you don't need the car to get to and from classes, and again, ride your bike or walk. she tried to play the "how can you send your daughter to college without her safety in mind?" card and i said "well, well, well, now you're concerned about safety?" and she just up and screamed. this has everyone in our life up in arms and divided. her grandparents think we're being over the top and awful, that grounding her would have sufficed. they've threatened that they will buy her a car again if we try to send her to college without one. the car is already sold, so there's no going back. i think what we did was absolutely correct, that actions have consequences and we would be in the wrong to pull back from that. in terms of her going to college? well, she made that choice. she had a car, it came with certain stipulations, she disobeyed us, and now she pays the price. so aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> when my daughter was 14, wife and i decided we would buy a car for her to use on her 16th if she proved herself to be responsible, got good grades, etc. there would be a "contract" of sorts to ensure we were all on the same page. the stipulations were continuing good grades, good attitude, she could only bring one friend with her somewhere (to begin with), we had to know where she was, and the obvious two: don't drink & drive, and don't text and drive. we made it clear that we were buying the car, but it was for her to use. we got the car, a 2012 honda civic. she has a summer job right now, it's summer break so she's out doing stuff with her friends, etc. in a few months she will be off to college. everything was going swimmingly. until someone on that nextdoor app started posting pictures and videos of bad drivers in the area. and lo and behold, my daughter was posted with her face down as she texted and rolled through a stop sign. once with her face down in her phone at a stoplight. i was livid. my wife was the one who showed it to me. we found out there were more instances (from her instagram stories) and we decided... no. wife and i up and sold the car. we didn't lose very much in the process, except of course our daughter completely came unraveled. it's so unfair, i didn't hurt anyone, everyone's doing it, how am i supposed to get to work, what about when i go to college? well, we said no, it's not unfair, you hurt us by being a shitty, irresponsible driver, no, not everyone's doing it, you can walk, ride your bike, or take the bus, and as for college, you don't need the car to get to and from classes, and again, ride your bike or walk. she tried to play the "how can you send your daughter to college without her safety in mind?" card and i said "well, well, well, now you're concerned about safety?" and she just up and screamed. this has everyone in our life up in arms and divided. her grandparents think we're being over the top and awful, that grounding her would have sufficed. they've threatened that they will buy her a car again if we try to send her to college without one. the car is already sold, so there's no going back. i think what we did was absolutely correct, that actions have consequences and we would be in the wrong to pull back from that. in terms of her going to college? well, she made that choice. she had a car, it came with certain stipulations, she disobeyed us, and now she pays the price. so aita? [/INST] nta. frankly i admire your restraint. </s>
AITA for being hostile and rude to my sister's boyfriend over a joke he told my wife?	my sister (26) brought her new boyfriend (30) over to our parents house to meet him for the first time, my wife and i came as well. we met the dude, he seemed ok-ish at first but he then started asking weird and personal questions. my wife had a breast cancer and got a single mastectomy last year. she told the story to my sister's boyfriend and he was like "oh" then he stared at my wife briefly then "playfully" said "without even asking, i can pretty much tell which one got the blow". we were floored, my wife could barely keep a straight face. she lied so she could leave the table cause she was literally about to tear up. i just looked at the dude and said "are you serious?" he said "what??!! i was just joking bro" i started asking him to explain the joke to me, he just stared. i asked him again to explain it to me in details but still got no answer. my sister asked me to stop because clearly he got uncomfortable, but i insisted he explain the joke to me cause clearly....my wife and i didn't get it. things got awkward with him avoiding eye contact while i just stared at him the entire time. i still insisted and asked him to explain the joke right there and then, but seconds later he said he needed to step outside to make a phone call. turns out he got in his car and left. my sister had a meltdown screaming and berating me for how i treated her boyfriend. calling me hostle with anger issues to scare her boyfriend out of our parents house. i told her he was overstepping and made my wife uncomfortable to the point of crying, she actually called me wife "such a princess" and said she is soft and can not take some teasing. i had an argument with her and my parents intervened, i took my wife and left. my dad called me later and said that he understood how hurt my wife felt but my sister's boyfriend was visiting for the first time and i showed hostility and agression instead of just ignoring him. he encouraged me to reach out to him and my sister later and talk it out but i declined. aita?	22,295	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t09je2/aita_for_being_hostile_and_rude_to_my_sisters/	2022-02-24 12:11:45	nta congratulations, you handled the situation perfectly. you simply asked the asshole to explain himself. he couldn't. you doubled down. he chose to not apologize which could have diffused the whole situation. > "what??!! i was just joking bro" this is always code for "i'm an asshole, but i'm going to let myself off the hook."	nta. what's so hostile about asking him to explain his stupid fucking "joke"?	nta, and i honestly commend your restraint. not sure i could have held back as much as you did in similar circumstances. sometimes people don't have anger issues, they just have wholly valid anger.	>my sister's boyfriend was visiting for the first time and he's already showing the kind of ah that he is. if it was me, i wouldn't encourage my daughter to date that kind of guy. nta, you simply stood up for your wife.	nta. if he can't explain his 'joke' it wasn't a joke. i swear 'teasing' is a cop out to say i'm being a massive asshole but don't want to be held accountable.	nta the fact he didnt immediately apologize, but instead snuck off and drove away, is extremely telling of his character.	nta. you do not """tease""" someone over their current/past illnesses that could've killed them if they got to the terminal stages. what the fuck did i just read......... edit : i forget to add,, ofc the ah are the bf, your sis, and your parents for not seeing how cruel the bf is. stay away from them, do not apologize (your wife is the one who deserves an apology), and take care of you wife. keep supporting her, like you do. wish you both well!	>i started asking him to explain the joke to me this is the best response to a situation like that, i applaud you! he couldn't explain the joke because the only joke is him. nta	[removed]	as a cancer survivor who gets way too many comments on my skinniness (stomach cancer) he can go fuck off. nta. glad your wife is ok cancer wise !	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my sister (26) brought her new boyfriend (30) over to our parents house to meet him for the first time, my wife and i came as well. we met the dude, he seemed ok-ish at first but he then started asking weird and personal questions. my wife had a breast cancer and got a single mastectomy last year. she told the story to my sister's boyfriend and he was like "oh" then he stared at my wife briefly then "playfully" said "without even asking, i can pretty much tell which one got the blow". we were floored, my wife could barely keep a straight face. she lied so she could leave the table cause she was literally about to tear up. i just looked at the dude and said "are you serious?" he said "what??!! i was just joking bro" i started asking him to explain the joke to me, he just stared. i asked him again to explain it to me in details but still got no answer. my sister asked me to stop because clearly he got uncomfortable, but i insisted he explain the joke to me cause clearly....my wife and i didn't get it. things got awkward with him avoiding eye contact while i just stared at him the entire time. i still insisted and asked him to explain the joke right there and then, but seconds later he said he needed to step outside to make a phone call. turns out he got in his car and left. my sister had a meltdown screaming and berating me for how i treated her boyfriend. calling me hostle with anger issues to scare her boyfriend out of our parents house. i told her he was overstepping and made my wife uncomfortable to the point of crying, she actually called me wife "such a princess" and said she is soft and can not take some teasing. i had an argument with her and my parents intervened, i took my wife and left. my dad called me later and said that he understood how hurt my wife felt but my sister's boyfriend was visiting for the first time and i showed hostility and agression instead of just ignoring him. he encouraged me to reach out to him and my sister later and talk it out but i declined. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my sister (26) brought her new boyfriend (30) over to our parents house to meet him for the first time, my wife and i came as well. we met the dude, he seemed ok-ish at first but he then started asking weird and personal questions. my wife had a breast cancer and got a single mastectomy last year. she told the story to my sister's boyfriend and he was like "oh" then he stared at my wife briefly then "playfully" said "without even asking, i can pretty much tell which one got the blow". we were floored, my wife could barely keep a straight face. she lied so she could leave the table cause she was literally about to tear up. i just looked at the dude and said "are you serious?" he said "what??!! i was just joking bro" i started asking him to explain the joke to me, he just stared. i asked him again to explain it to me in details but still got no answer. my sister asked me to stop because clearly he got uncomfortable, but i insisted he explain the joke to me cause clearly....my wife and i didn't get it. things got awkward with him avoiding eye contact while i just stared at him the entire time. i still insisted and asked him to explain the joke right there and then, but seconds later he said he needed to step outside to make a phone call. turns out he got in his car and left. my sister had a meltdown screaming and berating me for how i treated her boyfriend. calling me hostle with anger issues to scare her boyfriend out of our parents house. i told her he was overstepping and made my wife uncomfortable to the point of crying, she actually called me wife "such a princess" and said she is soft and can not take some teasing. i had an argument with her and my parents intervened, i took my wife and left. my dad called me later and said that he understood how hurt my wife felt but my sister's boyfriend was visiting for the first time and i showed hostility and agression instead of just ignoring him. he encouraged me to reach out to him and my sister later and talk it out but i declined. aita? [/INST] nta congratulations, you handled the situation perfectly. you simply asked the asshole to explain himself. he couldn't. you doubled down. he chose to not apologize which could have diffused the whole situation. > "what??!! i was just joking bro" this is always code for "i'm an asshole, but i'm going to let myself off the hook." </s>
AITA for pointing out that my co-worker is trans/doesn't pass?	alright. i'm a european woman in her mid-twenties who recently moved to san francisco for a fancy-pants internship. it was a huge culture shock, but in a way, a welcome one- i'm gay (the very girly type people don't really clock as gay, but still) and this is the first time i've ever been out at work. there is one co-worker who we shall call linda. she's a trans woman (mtf). linda's position means that me and she and i don't really interact at work often. therefore, i was told about her before i met her. one of my co-workers told me that she existed, i was due to meet her next week, and that she was a trans woman who uses she/her pronouns. i met linda, didn't even ask for her pronouns and just used she/her, everything went alright, i thought that was the end of it. now, linda does not pass as a cis woman. she's still a woman and i'd never misgender her, but it is objectively visible that this is probably a trans woman, not a cis one. this now caused an issue. a few of us had a halloween get-together and invited linda. at some point, she and i were alone at our table. we got talking about what it was like for me being this very girly gay woman in a male-dominated field in a conservative european country. at some point, i made a remark along the lines of 'but of course, you as a trans woman probably faced similar experiences'. her face just fell. she started hissing at me about how dare i presume she's trans, she hasn't been misgendered (i did not misgender her, at no point did i use 'he' or anything like that- i just said she was trans, which...she is) in years, and no one at work has ever had to ask for her pronouns etc. drunk idiot i was, i blurted out 'but...we all know?' which we do. i was extremely confused. apparently, out of the younger group of co-workers, no one ever actually asked her for her pronouns or gender identity because we all, just like me, got told by some colleague who'd been there longer that this was a trans woman who uses female pronouns. this somehow led linda to believe that we didn't 'clock' her, which was a huge source of self-esteem for her. linda now, and i say this without a hint of exaggeration, hates my guts. she confided to another coworker that she's extremely hurt by me pointing out that she doesn't pass and that it was invasive and rude and how dare i judge her. i, on the other hand, don't really know what the hell happened here. she is trans, that is a fact of life, everyone knows and it is clearly visible. aita for saying what i said?	19,936	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/do75t3/aita_for_pointing_out_that_my_coworker_is/	2019-10-28 10:49:00	nta. you didn't say she didn't pass, just that you know she's trans. i get trans people don't always want to be known as "trans", but instead as a regular woman / man. however, you were having a conversation about the struggles of lgbt in a male dominated conservative society. she could at least acknowledge she is indeed trans without taking offense and have an adult discussion about it.	nta. if she doesn't pass then that's something that could come up in a much more horrid scenario in the future, better she knows now. &#x200b; plus you didn't intend to insult her, you assumed she knew you knew	nah. you weren't to know that she thought people didn't know she was trans. but she is understandably upset by the situation.	nah - i used to live with a trans guy, not saying this makes me an expert, but i know bits and pieces, and it does fucking suck getting misgendered, and whilst you didn't use any incorrect pronouns what you implied is that everyone can still tell you were born with a penis at the end of the day,it is fair that you assumed she knew this if it is that obvious and it's a shame that she's been in this semi oblivious state because it was building her up to a big fall when she found out, it's a good thing that happened in a conversation where someone was trying to bond with her as opposed to hurt her but she is always going to be upset on the back of it sadly one of those issues that don't have an easy solution, but time should hopefully heal any wounds, and if she's still mid transition maybe time will lessen appearances somewhat also?	nta. i say this is a straight cis woman, so trans folks may disagree with me. but what you said, to me, seems completely innocent and in fact, seems like a genuine effort to connect with this lady. you didn’t explicitly tell her she didn’t pass. you made an innocent observation about how she probably understood what you - being a gay woman from a conservative country - have gone through. i know how painful it is for the trans/non-confirming community to be misgendered, but you very clearly weren’t trying to make her feel bad, and really, if she feels bad based on what you said.... i dunno if i’d even apologize if i were in your shoes, and i’m all about apologies in most cases. i guess you could apologize for hurting her feelings, but in my opinion, she’s looking for someone to be angry at. whether she passes or not is, to me, a non-issue. she is a trans woman and you made an effort to connect with her in a pretty understandable way. don’t feel bad.	nta. while the work thing is an honest misunderstanding ( people using her preferred pronouns without having to ask is something i think many people would prefer ), she has used it as evidence to prop up something she wanted to believe. the really sad thing is that you can almost guarantee that people in her private life have outright lied to her to spare her feelings. that might work in the short run, but something like this was bound to happen eventually. instead of her learning to deal, perhaps by taking steps to appear more feminine, or just taking steps to deal with her stress over not passing, she now has staked part of her identity on the idea that she does. it's going to be an issue now. if anything, whatever friends or family lied to her are the a-holes.	i’m really appreciating this thread because, as a cis-woman who has known few trans people, i’m learning a lot. so, this a genuine question if anyone could answer it: it seemed natural to me to assume that op knew coworker was trans because someone at work told her, but it does not seem to have occurred to coworker. should the original coworker have warned op about the proper pronouns while also warning her not to acknowledge said coworker was trans? or in general is it assumed that it is something you don’t acknowledge unless the other person acknowledges it first, even if you know?	nta there’s nothing wrong with being trans. but we need to stop pretending it isn’t obvious in most cases. it is fairly unusual to pass without others knowing. you said and did exactly what you were told to be respectful. you also didn’t accuse this person of not passing, you pointed out a universal truth- that she is transgendered. if she doesn’t like what others see of her, that’s a deeply rooted psychological problem you can’t help with.	>she confided to another coworker that she's extremely hurt by me pointing out that she doesn't pass and that it was invasive and rude and how dare i judge her. i, on the other hand, don't really know what the hell happened here. she is trans, that is a fact of life, everyone knows and it is clearly visible. this is a linda problem, not a you problem. you were making small talk with her about your unique experiences because of your 'differences' (for lack of a better word) from the other people in your workplace. you did nothing wrong, and her reaction was rude, aggressive, and assholey. nta.	info - do you think any other personal-descriptor would have been acceptable at that moment, or would it have read as very overly personal? so, for example: >but of course, you as a fat woman probably faced similar experiences >but of course, you as a beautiful woman probably faced similar experiences >but of course, you as an sexualized woman probably faced similar experiences >but of course, you as a poor woman probably faced similar experiences info #2: > she is trans, that is a fact of life, everyone knows and it is clearly visible. there are many facts about people that are visible that we don't plainly refer to. why would this be a situation in which the facts must be laid bare?	NTA	NTA	NAH	NAH	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	INFO	0.016912	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: alright. i'm a european woman in her mid-twenties who recently moved to san francisco for a fancy-pants internship. it was a huge culture shock, but in a way, a welcome one- i'm gay (the very girly type people don't really clock as gay, but still) and this is the first time i've ever been out at work. there is one co-worker who we shall call linda. she's a trans woman (mtf). linda's position means that me and she and i don't really interact at work often. therefore, i was told about her before i met her. one of my co-workers told me that she existed, i was due to meet her next week, and that she was a trans woman who uses she/her pronouns. i met linda, didn't even ask for her pronouns and just used she/her, everything went alright, i thought that was the end of it. now, linda does not pass as a cis woman. she's still a woman and i'd never misgender her, but it is objectively visible that this is probably a trans woman, not a cis one. this now caused an issue. a few of us had a halloween get-together and invited linda. at some point, she and i were alone at our table. we got talking about what it was like for me being this very girly gay woman in a male-dominated field in a conservative european country. at some point, i made a remark along the lines of 'but of course, you as a trans woman probably faced similar experiences'. her face just fell. she started hissing at me about how dare i presume she's trans, she hasn't been misgendered (i did not misgender her, at no point did i use 'he' or anything like that- i just said she was trans, which...she is) in years, and no one at work has ever had to ask for her pronouns etc. drunk idiot i was, i blurted out 'but...we all know?' which we do. i was extremely confused. apparently, out of the younger group of co-workers, no one ever actually asked her for her pronouns or gender identity because we all, just like me, got told by some colleague who'd been there longer that this was a trans woman who uses female pronouns. this somehow led linda to believe that we didn't 'clock' her, which was a huge source of self-esteem for her. linda now, and i say this without a hint of exaggeration, hates my guts. she confided to another coworker that she's extremely hurt by me pointing out that she doesn't pass and that it was invasive and rude and how dare i judge her. i, on the other hand, don't really know what the hell happened here. she is trans, that is a fact of life, everyone knows and it is clearly visible. aita for saying what i said?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> alright. i'm a european woman in her mid-twenties who recently moved to san francisco for a fancy-pants internship. it was a huge culture shock, but in a way, a welcome one- i'm gay (the very girly type people don't really clock as gay, but still) and this is the first time i've ever been out at work. there is one co-worker who we shall call linda. she's a trans woman (mtf). linda's position means that me and she and i don't really interact at work often. therefore, i was told about her before i met her. one of my co-workers told me that she existed, i was due to meet her next week, and that she was a trans woman who uses she/her pronouns. i met linda, didn't even ask for her pronouns and just used she/her, everything went alright, i thought that was the end of it. now, linda does not pass as a cis woman. she's still a woman and i'd never misgender her, but it is objectively visible that this is probably a trans woman, not a cis one. this now caused an issue. a few of us had a halloween get-together and invited linda. at some point, she and i were alone at our table. we got talking about what it was like for me being this very girly gay woman in a male-dominated field in a conservative european country. at some point, i made a remark along the lines of 'but of course, you as a trans woman probably faced similar experiences'. her face just fell. she started hissing at me about how dare i presume she's trans, she hasn't been misgendered (i did not misgender her, at no point did i use 'he' or anything like that- i just said she was trans, which...she is) in years, and no one at work has ever had to ask for her pronouns etc. drunk idiot i was, i blurted out 'but...we all know?' which we do. i was extremely confused. apparently, out of the younger group of co-workers, no one ever actually asked her for her pronouns or gender identity because we all, just like me, got told by some colleague who'd been there longer that this was a trans woman who uses female pronouns. this somehow led linda to believe that we didn't 'clock' her, which was a huge source of self-esteem for her. linda now, and i say this without a hint of exaggeration, hates my guts. she confided to another coworker that she's extremely hurt by me pointing out that she doesn't pass and that it was invasive and rude and how dare i judge her. i, on the other hand, don't really know what the hell happened here. she is trans, that is a fact of life, everyone knows and it is clearly visible. aita for saying what i said? [/INST] nta. you didn't say she didn't pass, just that you know she's trans. i get trans people don't always want to be known as "trans", but instead as a regular woman / man. however, you were having a conversation about the struggles of lgbt in a male dominated conservative society. she could at least acknowledge she is indeed trans without taking offense and have an adult discussion about it. </s>
AITA for not wanting my disabled sister at my wedding?	the title sounds awful but please read all the way til the end. do not speed read this. my (22f) sister "anna" (21) is "special need". she has severe autism and while she is verbal most of her communication is "physical" like sign language due to her social discomfort. she does speak around family though and has pretty bad cognitive skills. she can't comprehend boundaries and lives with our parents so they can best watch her. i am getting married in 3 months. we planned a simple wedding and reception at my fiance "michael's" parents barn and farm. since it's all gonna be diy and we aren't planning anything too expensive, we can do things pretty quickly since flowers, food and decor will be provided by his family. i sent out invites last week and i asked that anna not come. i told my parents i understood that would mean they may not show up but it was just a heads up. why no anna? she has an issue with touching michael and trying to kiss him. at times when we were at my parents house anna would try and grab michael's hands, try to lean in to kiss him or would have a really bad shutdowns if she wasn't allowed to be directly next to him. we've tried speaking to her but there's only so much we can do when she doesn't really understand. i told my parents i just want one day for michael to be my partner and not anna's comfort person. they called me selfish and asked how i expected them to agree to something like this. they told me anna is disabled and may never experience a wedding of her own and while i have michael for probably the rest of our lives she'll have no one and that michael and i can be a little more understanding to the reality of her life. i feel like a total ass and what they're saying has really gotten to me and i'm starting to question my decision. aita?	23,727	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q86ktj/aita_for_not_wanting_my_disabled_sister_at_my/	2021-10-14 19:12:59	nta. i don’t care if i get downvoted. you’re right, she is incapable of leaving your fiancé alone on the only day she needs to leave him alone. best wishes to you and your future husband!!	nta your partner deserves to not be sexually harassed every day, but especially on his wedding day. it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t understand, she still can’t do it. if your family won’t prevent her from doing things, than she isn’t allowed in those situations.	nta. neither is poor anna. it’s your parents. they told on themselves, because it sounds like they expect you to share your spouse with her to make her life more “fair” somehow. it really, really sounds like they’ve been secretly encouraging and supporting this behavior. the most charitable thing i can come up with is maybe they’ve deluded themselves into thinking “anything to avoid a meltdown”. but that way lies madness.	nta. it would be unfair and unkind to michael to force him to endure that on his wedding day. make it clear to your parents that you’re not looking for “agreement” — anna is not invited, period.	nta regardless of her disabilities, this day isn’t about her. if your parents can’t understand why she isn’t invited, then they can sit it out too.	nta it's your wedding and your sister doesn't have boundaries with the 1 person they need her to have boundaries with. >they told me anna is disabled and may never experience a wedding of her own so? life isn't fair and that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice what is likely yet another thing for anna. this is your day and there's no reasonable acommodation except maybe stream the wedding for anna to watch via a screen given anna's boundary problems.	nta. your fiancé deserves to feel safe and comfortable at his own wedding, instead of being worried about being accosted by your sister. have you spoken to your parents about their long term care plans for anna? i would make sure they're not planning for her to move in with you and michael, and to make sure she gets the appropriate time to be transitioned to her new situation.	i was about to y.t.. you into the ground but soo nta. if the genders were reversed there is no way anyone would expect someone's partner to be ok with being... well.. sexually harassed. she may not know exactly what she's doing but it is sexual / physical harrassment and that's not ok. nta and your parents need to find a therapeutic way to establish knowledge of physical boundaries especially since she obviously does not carry o this way with everyone she meets. she understands on some level.	nta. as an above commentor mentioned this isn't a disability problem it is on your parents for not reinforcing appropriate boundaries. this also isn't about just having your husband be yours. he shouldn't have to be sexually harassed on his wedding day. and just because she has a disability doesn't discount what is done to your husband. it might be pricy for your parents. but finding a disability savvy sitter for a few hours so the day could run smoothly wouldn't kill them.	nta. it’s unreasonable to ask you to spend the wedding managing her behavior. they can’t really expect you to “share” your husband whenever she’s around and need to figure out a way of teaching her not to do this for the long term.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: the title sounds awful but please read all the way til the end. do not speed read this. my (22f) sister "anna" (21) is "special need". she has severe autism and while she is verbal most of her communication is "physical" like sign language due to her social discomfort. she does speak around family though and has pretty bad cognitive skills. she can't comprehend boundaries and lives with our parents so they can best watch her. i am getting married in 3 months. we planned a simple wedding and reception at my fiance "michael's" parents barn and farm. since it's all gonna be diy and we aren't planning anything too expensive, we can do things pretty quickly since flowers, food and decor will be provided by his family. i sent out invites last week and i asked that anna not come. i told my parents i understood that would mean they may not show up but it was just a heads up. why no anna? she has an issue with touching michael and trying to kiss him. at times when we were at my parents house anna would try and grab michael's hands, try to lean in to kiss him or would have a really bad shutdowns if she wasn't allowed to be directly next to him. we've tried speaking to her but there's only so much we can do when she doesn't really understand. i told my parents i just want one day for michael to be my partner and not anna's comfort person. they called me selfish and asked how i expected them to agree to something like this. they told me anna is disabled and may never experience a wedding of her own and while i have michael for probably the rest of our lives she'll have no one and that michael and i can be a little more understanding to the reality of her life. i feel like a total ass and what they're saying has really gotten to me and i'm starting to question my decision. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> the title sounds awful but please read all the way til the end. do not speed read this. my (22f) sister "anna" (21) is "special need". she has severe autism and while she is verbal most of her communication is "physical" like sign language due to her social discomfort. she does speak around family though and has pretty bad cognitive skills. she can't comprehend boundaries and lives with our parents so they can best watch her. i am getting married in 3 months. we planned a simple wedding and reception at my fiance "michael's" parents barn and farm. since it's all gonna be diy and we aren't planning anything too expensive, we can do things pretty quickly since flowers, food and decor will be provided by his family. i sent out invites last week and i asked that anna not come. i told my parents i understood that would mean they may not show up but it was just a heads up. why no anna? she has an issue with touching michael and trying to kiss him. at times when we were at my parents house anna would try and grab michael's hands, try to lean in to kiss him or would have a really bad shutdowns if she wasn't allowed to be directly next to him. we've tried speaking to her but there's only so much we can do when she doesn't really understand. i told my parents i just want one day for michael to be my partner and not anna's comfort person. they called me selfish and asked how i expected them to agree to something like this. they told me anna is disabled and may never experience a wedding of her own and while i have michael for probably the rest of our lives she'll have no one and that michael and i can be a little more understanding to the reality of her life. i feel like a total ass and what they're saying has really gotten to me and i'm starting to question my decision. aita? [/INST] nta. i don’t care if i get downvoted. you’re right, she is incapable of leaving your fiancé alone on the only day she needs to leave him alone. best wishes to you and your future husband!! </s>
AITA for contesting an entire will to avoid a clause I didn't agree with?	using a throwaway. i am the only child of my parents. they set their will up to have me inherit about 70% of their estate, with the stipulation that i donate/tithe 10% of my portion to their church. my parents' siblings had the rest divided among them. here's the thing: i don't view churches to be a worthy cause to give to in general. i actually view it to be unethical to make the churches richer while actual worthy causes suffer. beyond that, that particular church had a horrible effect on my childhood that i'm still working through as an adult. i can't on moral or ethical grounds give money to my abusers. they had another clause where if someone contests the will, everyone's portion gets tied up in court and it's very possible that no-one gets anything. my case extended legal proceedings for almost 9 months longer than it would have been, but i was able to argue and win that the church could be substituted for any non profit charity. i chose planned parenthood, rainn, and saving our sisters, the three organizations that i felt best counteracted the religion i was raised in, and split 25% (15% extra) of my inheritance between them. i've been getting flak from all of my extended family, who say that i should have honoured my parents last wishes and not dragged everyone through months of court because i "couldn't control my emotions". i don't agree, and i honestly couldn't live with myself having given a single dime to a religious group or religious institution. i would have forfeited the entire thing if i had to to not do it.	18,597	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/f7d1as/aita_for_contesting_an_entire_will_to_avoid_a/	2020-02-21 15:53:50	nta i know there are a lot of verdicts of y t a with "not your money , not your decision " but even the court didn't take that view point and allowed you to donate to a different charitable organisation. i guess your parents knew about your troubled past with the church and still chose to ignore that. they might have thought "my money, my decision " but that decision makes them the a.	nta your parents were jerks; they could have left any amount of money directly to the church. attempting to force you to do so on their behalf was just mean. i think your solution was brilliant. bravo! the people who had to wait a few extra months for the free money they in no way earned can shut the hell up and see themselves out.	that was a really dumb way for it to be written. it's one thing if they allocate 70% to you, 10% to the church and 20% split among siblings, but different if they condition your share on you donating 10% of the 70% to the church. trying to control the living through your will is generally bad news.	nta i was going to say nah until >that particular church had a horrible effect on my childhood that i'm still working through as an adult giving money to an organization that caused you trouble well into adulthood is definitely something to fight against. if they wanted it to go to the church, they should have left it to them themselves.	nta. well done. and they are complaining that it took 9 months longer to get money that they were privileged to receive in the first place? nope. it wasn't a paycheck that they expected on a certain and budgeted for. they are lucky they got anything at all as siblings honestly. great charities. and feel free to cut your aunts and uncles out of your life if you so choose. but definitely set up boundaries that it isn't going to be discussed anymore.	this seems strange to me. why didn’t they just leave 10% straight to the church? did they know you had become disillusioned with it?	former mormon here. nta.	as an attorney who has a small estate planning practice, the attorney who drafted the will is ta. the decision to tie up a portion of what op receives instead of just making a specific bequest to the intended beneficiary (in this case, the church) is nonsensical. it is malpractice in my opinion. as a general rule, i think anyone who contests a will in an effort to deny the testator's intent is a bit of an asshole but i am not really going to hold that against you given the circumstances. regardless, as previously stated, this really falls on the attorney.	atheist here. yta. why should anyone write a will ever if people can change what they don't like after you're gone?	nta if they wanted it to go to the church they should have left it to them directly! not put it as a you have to share yours! thats just annoying	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	null	YTA	NTA	0.057131	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: using a throwaway. i am the only child of my parents. they set their will up to have me inherit about 70% of their estate, with the stipulation that i donate/tithe 10% of my portion to their church. my parents' siblings had the rest divided among them. here's the thing: i don't view churches to be a worthy cause to give to in general. i actually view it to be unethical to make the churches richer while actual worthy causes suffer. beyond that, that particular church had a horrible effect on my childhood that i'm still working through as an adult. i can't on moral or ethical grounds give money to my abusers. they had another clause where if someone contests the will, everyone's portion gets tied up in court and it's very possible that no-one gets anything. my case extended legal proceedings for almost 9 months longer than it would have been, but i was able to argue and win that the church could be substituted for any non profit charity. i chose planned parenthood, rainn, and saving our sisters, the three organizations that i felt best counteracted the religion i was raised in, and split 25% (15% extra) of my inheritance between them. i've been getting flak from all of my extended family, who say that i should have honoured my parents last wishes and not dragged everyone through months of court because i "couldn't control my emotions". i don't agree, and i honestly couldn't live with myself having given a single dime to a religious group or religious institution. i would have forfeited the entire thing if i had to to not do it.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> using a throwaway. i am the only child of my parents. they set their will up to have me inherit about 70% of their estate, with the stipulation that i donate/tithe 10% of my portion to their church. my parents' siblings had the rest divided among them. here's the thing: i don't view churches to be a worthy cause to give to in general. i actually view it to be unethical to make the churches richer while actual worthy causes suffer. beyond that, that particular church had a horrible effect on my childhood that i'm still working through as an adult. i can't on moral or ethical grounds give money to my abusers. they had another clause where if someone contests the will, everyone's portion gets tied up in court and it's very possible that no-one gets anything. my case extended legal proceedings for almost 9 months longer than it would have been, but i was able to argue and win that the church could be substituted for any non profit charity. i chose planned parenthood, rainn, and saving our sisters, the three organizations that i felt best counteracted the religion i was raised in, and split 25% (15% extra) of my inheritance between them. i've been getting flak from all of my extended family, who say that i should have honoured my parents last wishes and not dragged everyone through months of court because i "couldn't control my emotions". i don't agree, and i honestly couldn't live with myself having given a single dime to a religious group or religious institution. i would have forfeited the entire thing if i had to to not do it. [/INST] nta i know there are a lot of verdicts of y t a with "not your money , not your decision " but even the court didn't take that view point and allowed you to donate to a different charitable organisation. i guess your parents knew about your troubled past with the church and still chose to ignore that. they might have thought "my money, my decision " but that decision makes them the a. </s>
AITA for telling my roommate's boyfriend that she's been lying to him?	i (f21) am currently renting with a roommate (f20, vicky). unlike me, vicky is pro makeup, takes good care of her appearance and looks gorgeous all the time. she lately started having her new boyfriend (m24, ryan) come over for dinner. let me just say that ryan is quite polite, respectable and handsome. one important thing i learned about him is that he loves "natural beauty" and he actually thinks that vicky's long hair is real. he praises it every time and she goes along with it by saying she was born with long hair and that she takes care of it with hair masks and treatments. tbh, this just didn't sit well with me, something felt wrong everytime i hear ryan say her hair was "naturally" gorgeous. i told vicky about it and she laughed it off. 2 nights ago, she invited him and a friend over and ordered pizza and asked me to join so i could "meet" his friend and possibly talk to him. i wasn't up to it but was free anyway. 4 of us ate pizza and chattered and vicky's hair got brought up again. ryan was praising it to his friend and talking about how naturally long and healthy it was. i waited til vicky went into the kitchen then told ryan that actually, this wasn't her real hair, this was a 600$ sew-in hair extention. he looked at me baffled but we couldn't continue talking cause vicky came. ryan looked visibly upset til the visit ended then left with his friend. vicky wondered why ryan got so upset and started talking about wether the reason for that was her outfit, but later after he called her on the phone she knew why. she came into my room and was going batshit screaming asking what the hell i just did, i asked her to calm down but she cussed me out for "outing" her to ryan like that and said that i should never have talked to him about something so personal. i said she shouldn't have lied but she argued that she wasn't lying but was waiting to tell him and besides, this is none of my concern. now he's asking her for space and we both know what that meant. she went on about what a jealous, insecure bish i was for doing this just cause i couldn't stand her getting any attention. even said i had my eyes on ryan but that us where i told her to stop, cause this outcome was expected since ryan's always expressed being into natural beauty while she's the type that wears everything fake. fake nails, eyelashes, hair etc. i said if she couldn't change for him, then at least she should've been honest with him. she rushed out the room and we've both been on bad terms eversince. now i feel i might have messed up.	3,791	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/simjho/aita_for_telling_my_roommates_boyfriend_that_shes/	2022-02-02 11:36:38	yta mind your business. it seems you're jealous of your roommate and possibly have a crush on ryan yourself. your insecurities were loud and clear. take this as the lesson it is and learn from it. with time, she was going to be exposed for exactly who she is. you just got impatient and took it into your own hands.	yeeah yta, that was none of your business and if this dude’s dumb enough to think that makeup is real then that’s a he-problem.	esh. you deliberately tried to drive a wedge between two people happy in their relationship. vicky was consistently lying to ryan. ryan has a weird fixation on vicky’s hair. i’m not thrilled with anyone here.	yta you had no need to say anything. what your housemate tells her bf is nobody's business but theirs. you knew you were being ta when you told him as you intentionality waited for her to leave the room before saying anything. you also killed the conversation when she returned. if you're going to stir shit, at least have the decency to do it in front of her, rather than wait for her back to be turned. you created this drama and now you have to live with the consequences.	it's weird because you act like she cheated on him or kept a life changing secret that he deserved to know but it's just hair??? you got so worked up and made an enemy out of your roommate because you couldn't stand to hear her boyfriend praise her hair? yta. and a jealous one at that. mind your own business next time.	esh. some people have real problems to deal with. vicky and ryan sound superficial af. you are an interfering busybody.	yta ryan probably would have found out either way, and this isn't exactly a terrible secret anyway. if she was cheating on him, fair enough, but she was just wearing some hair extensions. for all you know, maybe not having natural long beautiful hair is a real insecurity for vicky. if she spends so much on her appearance there's a good chance she's quite insecure with her looks. and yeah, you do sound very jealous of her. this whole issue was none of your business. you did mess up.	yta this had nothing to do with you so there was no need to insert yourself into this situation. tbh this post does give the impression that you were motivated by jealousy	esh. weird story but if true, if you really wanted to be honest you wouldn’t wait til she left the room to talk behind her back. you’re roommates a liar. also, ryan’s obsession with hair is weird. what kind of weirdo brings a friend to hangout and then talks about their girlfriend’s hair. everyone in this story seems like a caricature.	i'm sorry, but yta big time. maybe you got tired of him prating about her hair, anyone would, but that was a rotten thing to do. ,	YTA	YTA	ESH	YTA	YTA	ESH	YTA	YTA	ESH	YTA	0.005155	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (f21) am currently renting with a roommate (f20, vicky). unlike me, vicky is pro makeup, takes good care of her appearance and looks gorgeous all the time. she lately started having her new boyfriend (m24, ryan) come over for dinner. let me just say that ryan is quite polite, respectable and handsome. one important thing i learned about him is that he loves "natural beauty" and he actually thinks that vicky's long hair is real. he praises it every time and she goes along with it by saying she was born with long hair and that she takes care of it with hair masks and treatments. tbh, this just didn't sit well with me, something felt wrong everytime i hear ryan say her hair was "naturally" gorgeous. i told vicky about it and she laughed it off. 2 nights ago, she invited him and a friend over and ordered pizza and asked me to join so i could "meet" his friend and possibly talk to him. i wasn't up to it but was free anyway. 4 of us ate pizza and chattered and vicky's hair got brought up again. ryan was praising it to his friend and talking about how naturally long and healthy it was. i waited til vicky went into the kitchen then told ryan that actually, this wasn't her real hair, this was a 600$ sew-in hair extention. he looked at me baffled but we couldn't continue talking cause vicky came. ryan looked visibly upset til the visit ended then left with his friend. vicky wondered why ryan got so upset and started talking about wether the reason for that was her outfit, but later after he called her on the phone she knew why. she came into my room and was going batshit screaming asking what the hell i just did, i asked her to calm down but she cussed me out for "outing" her to ryan like that and said that i should never have talked to him about something so personal. i said she shouldn't have lied but she argued that she wasn't lying but was waiting to tell him and besides, this is none of my concern. now he's asking her for space and we both know what that meant. she went on about what a jealous, insecure bish i was for doing this just cause i couldn't stand her getting any attention. even said i had my eyes on ryan but that us where i told her to stop, cause this outcome was expected since ryan's always expressed being into natural beauty while she's the type that wears everything fake. fake nails, eyelashes, hair etc. i said if she couldn't change for him, then at least she should've been honest with him. she rushed out the room and we've both been on bad terms eversince. now i feel i might have messed up.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i (f21) am currently renting with a roommate (f20, vicky). unlike me, vicky is pro makeup, takes good care of her appearance and looks gorgeous all the time. she lately started having her new boyfriend (m24, ryan) come over for dinner. let me just say that ryan is quite polite, respectable and handsome. one important thing i learned about him is that he loves "natural beauty" and he actually thinks that vicky's long hair is real. he praises it every time and she goes along with it by saying she was born with long hair and that she takes care of it with hair masks and treatments. tbh, this just didn't sit well with me, something felt wrong everytime i hear ryan say her hair was "naturally" gorgeous. i told vicky about it and she laughed it off. 2 nights ago, she invited him and a friend over and ordered pizza and asked me to join so i could "meet" his friend and possibly talk to him. i wasn't up to it but was free anyway. 4 of us ate pizza and chattered and vicky's hair got brought up again. ryan was praising it to his friend and talking about how naturally long and healthy it was. i waited til vicky went into the kitchen then told ryan that actually, this wasn't her real hair, this was a 600$ sew-in hair extention. he looked at me baffled but we couldn't continue talking cause vicky came. ryan looked visibly upset til the visit ended then left with his friend. vicky wondered why ryan got so upset and started talking about wether the reason for that was her outfit, but later after he called her on the phone she knew why. she came into my room and was going batshit screaming asking what the hell i just did, i asked her to calm down but she cussed me out for "outing" her to ryan like that and said that i should never have talked to him about something so personal. i said she shouldn't have lied but she argued that she wasn't lying but was waiting to tell him and besides, this is none of my concern. now he's asking her for space and we both know what that meant. she went on about what a jealous, insecure bish i was for doing this just cause i couldn't stand her getting any attention. even said i had my eyes on ryan but that us where i told her to stop, cause this outcome was expected since ryan's always expressed being into natural beauty while she's the type that wears everything fake. fake nails, eyelashes, hair etc. i said if she couldn't change for him, then at least she should've been honest with him. she rushed out the room and we've both been on bad terms eversince. now i feel i might have messed up. [/INST] yta mind your business. it seems you're jealous of your roommate and possibly have a crush on ryan yourself. your insecurities were loud and clear. take this as the lesson it is and learn from it. with time, she was going to be exposed for exactly who she is. you just got impatient and took it into your own hands. </s>
AITA for telling my best friend that I'm not happy for her	i dated my ex-boyfriend for a few years and we broke it off a few months before covid. we were both madly in love and i'm still not over him. my best friend knows this. a few months ago, she started getting distant from me and it's super unusual for me because she needs me for everything. like just a few things that i helped her do: find colleges, apply to colleges, help donate money for her college fund, help her build her resumé, find her therapy, find her a job, and countless other things. i even paid for a lot of stuff for her, like going on trips and such. she didn't really do much for me and was somewhat of an emotional support because we'd always talk about her, but then i really didn't mind and didn't care what i did for her. she was my bff and you love ur best friends. they're sisters. last month, she broke and told me that the reason that she's so distant is because she's quarantining with my ex and they're a thing. whatever hopes i had of getting back to my ex are squashed because i don't think i can get over him hooking up with my best friend. i'm super heartbroken and i know that you don't own people, but that doesn't mean that you can't be upset about their betrayal. yes, dating your best friend's ex that she still loves is a betrayal. she asked me if i was happy for her (wtf??) because she finally got a good job and a nice boyfriend. that job she has is solely because of me because i asked an old acquaintance to return a favor by hiring my best friend. he wanted to hire someone else, but i begged him to hire her. i know how people are sometimes hurt but then they say "..but i'm truly happy for you". i honest to god don't think they mean it and when i say i'm happy for someone, i want to mean it. i'm not happy for my friend. i just am not. i can't make myself be. i told her as such and told her to stop contacting me. she's now blowing up my emails and dms because she's so "hurt" by what i said to her. my dad said that i should've just kept this to myself since i know my best friend is a sensitive person and is hurt. but what about me? am i given a sensitivity pass because i've looked after my friend for so long. do my feelings just stop mattering at some point?	21,818	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/i3ee0t/aita_for_telling_my_best_friend_that_im_not_happy/	2020-08-04 06:41:55	nta with literally billions of us here, it's pretty easy to not date the one person your best friend has feelings for.	most definitely nta. that’s pretty messed up, especially considering how little time has passed and how much you’ve done for your friend. you don’t have to feel any particular way about it, just feel how you feel. if you’re upset, which i’d say you have every right to be, then just be upset. you’re your own person and you’re allowed to feel however you want. you don’t owe anyone anything. i genuinely hope you can heal from this situation, that absolutely sucks. and to be clear, healing from it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be okay with it nor be happy for either of them.	nta - but you have some shi**y friend. and why would you care about she being a "sensitive" person? i mean she didn't care about your feelings. i would recommend to stop being friends with her, i know it will be hard, but it's not healthy to keep in contact with her either.	nta: that girl is not your friend. i'm sorry.	your "friend" is a resource sucking vampire. we've all had them, they're usually charming, disarming or compelling. that person who gloms onto you without you realizing it, eventually, they've sucked up everything of value. like a tick, a bloated tick. then you're left humilated and bankrupt in some way, feeling like a rejected jackass who couldn't see that they didn't actually care about you. the knowledge that you've been used, that you simply filled a need is tough to take. you had to learn a very hard lesson and it will serve you well in the future, but for right now it's going to hurt like a bastard. as far as her asking if you were happy for her, that is either the most asinine thing i've ever heard or the nastiest, bitchiest, and cattiest. anything that she's doing now is side show bullshit, just block her on everything and move on. as for your ex, he sounds like a whole nother kettle of worthless and you will realize, eventually, that he did you a favor by removing himself from the field. you are nta in anyway and you will be so much better off without her.	nta. i can't quite remember the equivalent of bro code. i want to say sister code but i really don't know. either way if she was such a friend she would have asked you beforehand. isn't this an unwritten rule between friends or have things changed that much since i was single. either way you have every right to be upset. [edit] my daughter just told me it's called girl code.	nta, to ask you that, she's either totally oblivious or actively attempting to hurt you. either way she got an honest answer and it seems your friendship has run its course. as an aside, you seem to view your relationship with your "bff" rather transactionaly. something to reflect on .	nta - sounds like she knew it was kinda wrong and felt guilty to date your ex behind your back, thats why she distanced herself and after talking to you she gave 0 fucks for your feelings	people who can say y t a don’t know how feelings work, both with best friends and recent exes. you can’t be an asshole if you don’t even do anything negative towards them, just feel bad both because you didn’t expect betrayal from a friend and because you still love your ex. you’re allowed to feel that way and its perfectly reasonable. not being happy for them is okay, you were honest, and aren’t doing anything to sabotage anyone’s life even when you’re upset, just stating that you are hurt and there’s literally nothing wrong with that. definitely nta.	she doesn't want to be your friend, she wants to be you. she wants your money, your contacts, your experiences, your friends, your loved ones. these kinds of people can go from harmless/a mild annoyance to creepy or downright scary. nta. she was never your friend. cut contact and don't look back. enjoy your new found freedom and appreciate your real friends.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	YTA	NTA	0.024	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i dated my ex-boyfriend for a few years and we broke it off a few months before covid. we were both madly in love and i'm still not over him. my best friend knows this. a few months ago, she started getting distant from me and it's super unusual for me because she needs me for everything. like just a few things that i helped her do: find colleges, apply to colleges, help donate money for her college fund, help her build her resumé, find her therapy, find her a job, and countless other things. i even paid for a lot of stuff for her, like going on trips and such. she didn't really do much for me and was somewhat of an emotional support because we'd always talk about her, but then i really didn't mind and didn't care what i did for her. she was my bff and you love ur best friends. they're sisters. last month, she broke and told me that the reason that she's so distant is because she's quarantining with my ex and they're a thing. whatever hopes i had of getting back to my ex are squashed because i don't think i can get over him hooking up with my best friend. i'm super heartbroken and i know that you don't own people, but that doesn't mean that you can't be upset about their betrayal. yes, dating your best friend's ex that she still loves is a betrayal. she asked me if i was happy for her (wtf??) because she finally got a good job and a nice boyfriend. that job she has is solely because of me because i asked an old acquaintance to return a favor by hiring my best friend. he wanted to hire someone else, but i begged him to hire her. i know how people are sometimes hurt but then they say "..but i'm truly happy for you". i honest to god don't think they mean it and when i say i'm happy for someone, i want to mean it. i'm not happy for my friend. i just am not. i can't make myself be. i told her as such and told her to stop contacting me. she's now blowing up my emails and dms because she's so "hurt" by what i said to her. my dad said that i should've just kept this to myself since i know my best friend is a sensitive person and is hurt. but what about me? am i given a sensitivity pass because i've looked after my friend for so long. do my feelings just stop mattering at some point?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i dated my ex-boyfriend for a few years and we broke it off a few months before covid. we were both madly in love and i'm still not over him. my best friend knows this. a few months ago, she started getting distant from me and it's super unusual for me because she needs me for everything. like just a few things that i helped her do: find colleges, apply to colleges, help donate money for her college fund, help her build her resumé, find her therapy, find her a job, and countless other things. i even paid for a lot of stuff for her, like going on trips and such. she didn't really do much for me and was somewhat of an emotional support because we'd always talk about her, but then i really didn't mind and didn't care what i did for her. she was my bff and you love ur best friends. they're sisters. last month, she broke and told me that the reason that she's so distant is because she's quarantining with my ex and they're a thing. whatever hopes i had of getting back to my ex are squashed because i don't think i can get over him hooking up with my best friend. i'm super heartbroken and i know that you don't own people, but that doesn't mean that you can't be upset about their betrayal. yes, dating your best friend's ex that she still loves is a betrayal. she asked me if i was happy for her (wtf??) because she finally got a good job and a nice boyfriend. that job she has is solely because of me because i asked an old acquaintance to return a favor by hiring my best friend. he wanted to hire someone else, but i begged him to hire her. i know how people are sometimes hurt but then they say "..but i'm truly happy for you". i honest to god don't think they mean it and when i say i'm happy for someone, i want to mean it. i'm not happy for my friend. i just am not. i can't make myself be. i told her as such and told her to stop contacting me. she's now blowing up my emails and dms because she's so "hurt" by what i said to her. my dad said that i should've just kept this to myself since i know my best friend is a sensitive person and is hurt. but what about me? am i given a sensitivity pass because i've looked after my friend for so long. do my feelings just stop mattering at some point? [/INST] nta with literally billions of us here, it's pretty easy to not date the one person your best friend has feelings for. </s>
AITA for moving back out after my parents demanded I follow their rules	this is my first post and im on mobile so apologies if i get it wrong. i (22 male) just finished college and went back to my hometown while i figure out what i want to do next. i was planning to share an apartment with my old friends, but my parents wanted me to move in to help them out. covid has hid them hard and are struggling to pay their bills, so they wanted me to move in and pay rent. i said ok because i wanted to help them out. it all went well until 3 days after i moved in. my mother came in around 9 pm, saying 'i had enough screen time and need to go to bed'. i thought this was ridiculous, because i'm an adult paying rent, they have no right to demand this. she said 'your living under my roof, i make the rules'. i went along with it for the night, and the next morning i went and took my laptop back from their room. she proceeded to ground me, for 'disobeying her authority'. i had enough of this, called the people i was going to room with and asked if they still had a spot. they said yes, so i packed up and moved in with them. now my family is hounding me for 'not supporting my family'. edit 1: hello! when i posted this, it says it was removed, so i just left it. i went on the sub yesterday and saw that this actually went through! im going to go and respond to comments now.	27,894	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/nce479/aita_for_moving_back_out_after_my_parents/	2021-05-14 17:29:55	nta. grounding a 22 year old man and taking away his computer is totally ridiculous, even if you didn't pay rent (which you do!). you tried to help them out, they treated it like they were doing \you\ a favor. go go go and don't look back.	haha too funny. tell them to make an ad for a tenant and make sure to put in the ad that they'll be controlling that tenants screen- and bedtime, and must obey all house rules or else be grounded. nta.	nta. lois mcmaster bujold has a quote about adulthood that i like: >"adulthood isn't an award they'll give you for being a good child. you can waste...years, trying to get someone to give that respect to you, as though it were a sort of promotion or raise in pay. if only you do enough, if only you are good enough. no. you have to just...take it. give it to yourself, i suppose. say, i'm sorry you feel like that, and walk away. but that's hard.” they can't have you as an adult and have you as a child at the same time. at 22, parental authority should be taking an advisor role, not a dominator one. a lot of parents find this transition difficult (though frankly they should have started working on it years ago). but it being difficult for them is their problem, not yours. you're not causing fights, you're not straining against their rules, you're just refusing to be put into a position where you have to submit; that's reasonable, mature behavior.	nta. you put it perfectly. your mother was ridiculous. either you are an adult who is paying rent and therefore entitled to privacy, or you are a child who doesn't have to pay expenses. if they want your support, they need to respect your status as an adult.	nta > now my family is hounding me for 'not supporting my family'. "you move in and help them then."	nta, but dude, srsly? your mom took your laptop? you waited too long to move out.	oh this is ridiculous. absolutely nta. you’re a 22 year old college graduate, not a kid living under your parents roof. i’m guessing they were always like this? but you probably hoped that your being a college graduate and paying rent would have changed the dynamic a bit. i would absolutely not move back in. they’re treating you like a child.	nta. youre an adult paying rent, not a child that has to go to school tomorrow.	your mom acted like you're 12, not 22. bit of cognitive dissonance here - a mom can tell a 12 year old to go to bed, but that 12 year old isn't going to "support the family" by paying rent. cant have it both ways, mom. next time treat your 22 year old son like the rent paying adult he is. nta.	nta. you’re a fully grown adult which would be reasons enough, but on top of that you were paying rent. she has no authority to ground you, or take your property, you made the right call.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: this is my first post and im on mobile so apologies if i get it wrong. i (22 male) just finished college and went back to my hometown while i figure out what i want to do next. i was planning to share an apartment with my old friends, but my parents wanted me to move in to help them out. covid has hid them hard and are struggling to pay their bills, so they wanted me to move in and pay rent. i said ok because i wanted to help them out. it all went well until 3 days after i moved in. my mother came in around 9 pm, saying 'i had enough screen time and need to go to bed'. i thought this was ridiculous, because i'm an adult paying rent, they have no right to demand this. she said 'your living under my roof, i make the rules'. i went along with it for the night, and the next morning i went and took my laptop back from their room. she proceeded to ground me, for 'disobeying her authority'. i had enough of this, called the people i was going to room with and asked if they still had a spot. they said yes, so i packed up and moved in with them. now my family is hounding me for 'not supporting my family'. edit 1: hello! when i posted this, it says it was removed, so i just left it. i went on the sub yesterday and saw that this actually went through! im going to go and respond to comments now.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> this is my first post and im on mobile so apologies if i get it wrong. i (22 male) just finished college and went back to my hometown while i figure out what i want to do next. i was planning to share an apartment with my old friends, but my parents wanted me to move in to help them out. covid has hid them hard and are struggling to pay their bills, so they wanted me to move in and pay rent. i said ok because i wanted to help them out. it all went well until 3 days after i moved in. my mother came in around 9 pm, saying 'i had enough screen time and need to go to bed'. i thought this was ridiculous, because i'm an adult paying rent, they have no right to demand this. she said 'your living under my roof, i make the rules'. i went along with it for the night, and the next morning i went and took my laptop back from their room. she proceeded to ground me, for 'disobeying her authority'. i had enough of this, called the people i was going to room with and asked if they still had a spot. they said yes, so i packed up and moved in with them. now my family is hounding me for 'not supporting my family'. edit 1: hello! when i posted this, it says it was removed, so i just left it. i went on the sub yesterday and saw that this actually went through! im going to go and respond to comments now. [/INST] nta. grounding a 22 year old man and taking away his computer is totally ridiculous, even if you didn't pay rent (which you do!). you tried to help them out, they treated it like they were doing \you\ a favor. go go go and don't look back. </s>
AITA for buying personalized stationery for my daughter so it can’t be redistributed in class?	my little girl, mia (f9) has started a new school recently. we moved started and she had to start new school. i got a list of supplies that the teacher required plus extras like extra packs of crayons, etc. you know the deal. while i don’t necessarily agree with this, it’s not a hill i, willing to die on so i got everything on that list. however, i also got my child her own supplies. now, the list didn’t say to not label them. mia is very particular on what type of stationery she likes. i’ve heard horror stories of kids stuff being redistrubuted and them ending up with crappy supplies so i sat down with mia and we got her personalised binders and notebooks and pencils with her name on etsy. it’s all part of the item so can’t be removed and given to another kid (like i said, as requested, i bought extra binders, etc.). it turns out that i was right to do so. when mia got home, she brought a passive aggressive note from the teacher about mia’s supplies. apparently, she tried to gather all supplies and have kids pick another one. she requested that i switch mia’s supplies to generic ones which i’m refusing to do. the teacher now requested that i stop by to have a chat regarding mia’s supplies. i posted in local fb group and parents are divided so i need another opinion before i go meet with mia’s teacher. am i the asshole for buying my child personalized stationery so it cannot be taken away from her?	19,524	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wv1qwm/aita_for_buying_personalized_stationery_for_my/	2022-08-22 18:48:18	nta. i hated this as a kid. my parents would buy crayola and i would some how get the dollar tree brand. enough parents complained. like i'm sorry susan's parents bought the dollar tree brand but my parents got me this and that's what i want to use.	nta- you bought extra as requested and then personalized for your daughter. i don't know what the teacher has a problem with. she purposefully didn't mention that she was gonna switch up the kids supplies and is mad you foiled her plans?? then what are the extras for?	nta why spend all the money on\* buying good supplies for ur children and even getting extra binders for them if they're gonna end up w crappy ones due to exchanging... what exactly is their teacher trying to impart to them im confused... is this something that happens in every school?	nta. what the hell is going on this school? why aren't parents just buying supplies for their own children..? am i missing something?	nta. this trend of yankee swap in elementary schools is some nonsense. when you buy supplies for your kid, they go to . . . your kid. there's nothing for you and the teacher to discuss. your kid gets the premium supplies that you purchased.	info. you bought everything that was requested and mia's personalized supplies?	seeing as how you supplied the teacher with the requested items, nta. i'm all for helping out educators supply their classrooms with adequate supplies, but that doesn't mean i won't get my kids their own stuff. if my kids have plenty, they'll share anyway.	nta. um, no. what is this about? why should you fund supplies for someone else's children? i'm unfamiliar with this practice and it didn't happen when i was a kid.	nta. this shit drives me insane. imo, if teachers are going to do shit like this, it needs to be stated on the school supply form in bold print so parents and kids aren't stuck in positions like this. if everyone needs to have the same things, teachers need to make that clear. i had this happen in 5th grade. my mom bought me funky designed highlighters, coloured stinky notes, page dividers, etc. on top of the usual regular pencils, pens, and what not. well my teacher decided to make all of us put our stuff into bins and have everyone grab what they needed out of said bins. meaning, all the nice fancy stuff my mom bought for me was now taken by some random kid in the class. me and a few others started going up to kids and asking for our things back and when we were told no, we'd steal it with the excuse of "my mom bought this for me, not them." when getting in trouble for it. from what i remember, it became a slight shit storm with the teacher and other parents involved. so be prepared for that, but hold your ground.	nta- you bought the extra supplies for the classroom that were asked for, beyond that if you have the means to afford to give your child fancier or higher quality supplies and she enjoys that, you're not an ah for doing that.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	INFO	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0.003	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my little girl, mia (f9) has started a new school recently. we moved started and she had to start new school. i got a list of supplies that the teacher required plus extras like extra packs of crayons, etc. you know the deal. while i don’t necessarily agree with this, it’s not a hill i, willing to die on so i got everything on that list. however, i also got my child her own supplies. now, the list didn’t say to not label them. mia is very particular on what type of stationery she likes. i’ve heard horror stories of kids stuff being redistrubuted and them ending up with crappy supplies so i sat down with mia and we got her personalised binders and notebooks and pencils with her name on etsy. it’s all part of the item so can’t be removed and given to another kid (like i said, as requested, i bought extra binders, etc.). it turns out that i was right to do so. when mia got home, she brought a passive aggressive note from the teacher about mia’s supplies. apparently, she tried to gather all supplies and have kids pick another one. she requested that i switch mia’s supplies to generic ones which i’m refusing to do. the teacher now requested that i stop by to have a chat regarding mia’s supplies. i posted in local fb group and parents are divided so i need another opinion before i go meet with mia’s teacher. am i the asshole for buying my child personalized stationery so it cannot be taken away from her?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my little girl, mia (f9) has started a new school recently. we moved started and she had to start new school. i got a list of supplies that the teacher required plus extras like extra packs of crayons, etc. you know the deal. while i don’t necessarily agree with this, it’s not a hill i, willing to die on so i got everything on that list. however, i also got my child her own supplies. now, the list didn’t say to not label them. mia is very particular on what type of stationery she likes. i’ve heard horror stories of kids stuff being redistrubuted and them ending up with crappy supplies so i sat down with mia and we got her personalised binders and notebooks and pencils with her name on etsy. it’s all part of the item so can’t be removed and given to another kid (like i said, as requested, i bought extra binders, etc.). it turns out that i was right to do so. when mia got home, she brought a passive aggressive note from the teacher about mia’s supplies. apparently, she tried to gather all supplies and have kids pick another one. she requested that i switch mia’s supplies to generic ones which i’m refusing to do. the teacher now requested that i stop by to have a chat regarding mia’s supplies. i posted in local fb group and parents are divided so i need another opinion before i go meet with mia’s teacher. am i the asshole for buying my child personalized stationery so it cannot be taken away from her? [/INST] nta. i hated this as a kid. my parents would buy crayola and i would some how get the dollar tree brand. enough parents complained. like i'm sorry susan's parents bought the dollar tree brand but my parents got me this and that's what i want to use. </s>
AITA: For not wanting to hide my period from my step-brothers like my step-mum wants me too?	i (f20) recently had to move back in with my dad, step-mum and 2 of my step-brothers (15 and 17). the last time i lived here was 2-3 years ago. back then i remember getting very pissed off when my step-mum asked me to stop using the bin in the toilet to put my waste sanitary products and use the one in my room (on the other side of the house) because she didn’t want her boys to see it. now it’s not like i was leaving used tampons and pads out in the open, everything was and still is, wrapped up so no blood is on show. anyway i never stopped using the toilet bin. now i’m back she’s started a new thing. moving my small zip up bag full of my sanity products, that i keep next to the toilet, and slightly open (for easy access), when i’m on my period, to under the sink zipped up. i personally think i absolutely should not be hiding the fact i have a vagina and it bleeds. her boys will grow up thinking it’s gross and something that needs to be hidden. i would just feel sorry for the girls they end up with. and i just want to be comfortable in the house i’m living in.	23,742	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/clga5g/aita_for_not_wanting_to_hide_my_period_from_my/	2019-08-03 07:54:14	nta - it’s not like her boys are 8 years old (which shouldn’t really make a difference anyway) but they should 100% know what periods are at this point? this is a very odd request and your step mom is absolutely the asshole in this situation.	nta. she’s policing your wrapped up trash and hiding your stuff?? the boys are teenagers that have presumably taken sex ed and are aware of periods as a concept at bare minimum.	nta. wtf periods happen and those kids surely know about it by now?	nta. you’d think your step mom would be a bit more understanding since she also has a vagina that bleeds/once bled in her prime. she’s being, for lack of better terms, a bitchy snowflake. boys aren’t immediately repulsed by all things female, unless they’re raised that way. your step brothers are at the age where they should know that women have a monthly cycle, which causes them to bleed. if they don’t know by now, then jesus, you might as well have the talk with them yourself.	nta i would - whenever she moves your sanitary products again - go around the house asking loudly for everyone to hear that 'someone moved my tampons and i need them now, or i'll bleed all over the place'. see what your stepmom likes more...	nta. having been a 15-17 year old boy at one point in my life, i can assure you that they do far more indelicate things in the bathroom than have periods on a daily basis. they can handle it.	nta i am 2 years older than my sister who has special needs. she will never live on her own. naturally, when she hit puberty she would get her period. here i am, a 13-15 year old boy changing pads for my sister. there was no chance to hide it of course the dumb teenager thought it was gross at the time, but that was dwarfed by my desire to help my sister. i’ve grown up to be completely un-squeamish to periods now. needs pads or tampons? got it - need light, heavy? think you need to stop talking about it because i was in the room? nope. hell, i might even join in. understand why your emotions are bouncing around? i get it. my sister didn’t have the cognitive ability to understand what was happening, but man would her emotions swing during the time of the month. really hit home how women’s bodies seem out to get them :) by hiding this from her sons, she’s only harming them and their future partners. there should be a flow of information. (i’ll see myself out)	nta. is this an american thing? i don't know any european family being ashamed (?) with menstruation.	nta 1) she is doing her sons a disservice and 2) you should not have to act like your period is a dirty secret.	info: does she keep everything put away in the bathroom or are there things like extra toilet paper or tissues by the toilet. my mom's not squeamish about periods, but she'd be putting away the zip up bag away every time and be annoyed as hell that it was being left out. she just hates clutter. nta if it's accepted to leave things sitting out in the bathroom like razors, toothpaste, toiletries, etc. yta if all that is expected to be put away and you're leaving a bag of stuff out.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	INFO	0.003	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (f20) recently had to move back in with my dad, step-mum and 2 of my step-brothers (15 and 17). the last time i lived here was 2-3 years ago. back then i remember getting very pissed off when my step-mum asked me to stop using the bin in the toilet to put my waste sanitary products and use the one in my room (on the other side of the house) because she didn’t want her boys to see it. now it’s not like i was leaving used tampons and pads out in the open, everything was and still is, wrapped up so no blood is on show. anyway i never stopped using the toilet bin. now i’m back she’s started a new thing. moving my small zip up bag full of my sanity products, that i keep next to the toilet, and slightly open (for easy access), when i’m on my period, to under the sink zipped up. i personally think i absolutely should not be hiding the fact i have a vagina and it bleeds. her boys will grow up thinking it’s gross and something that needs to be hidden. i would just feel sorry for the girls they end up with. and i just want to be comfortable in the house i’m living in.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i (f20) recently had to move back in with my dad, step-mum and 2 of my step-brothers (15 and 17). the last time i lived here was 2-3 years ago. back then i remember getting very pissed off when my step-mum asked me to stop using the bin in the toilet to put my waste sanitary products and use the one in my room (on the other side of the house) because she didn’t want her boys to see it. now it’s not like i was leaving used tampons and pads out in the open, everything was and still is, wrapped up so no blood is on show. anyway i never stopped using the toilet bin. now i’m back she’s started a new thing. moving my small zip up bag full of my sanity products, that i keep next to the toilet, and slightly open (for easy access), when i’m on my period, to under the sink zipped up. i personally think i absolutely should not be hiding the fact i have a vagina and it bleeds. her boys will grow up thinking it’s gross and something that needs to be hidden. i would just feel sorry for the girls they end up with. and i just want to be comfortable in the house i’m living in. [/INST] nta - it’s not like her boys are 8 years old (which shouldn’t really make a difference anyway) but they should 100% know what periods are at this point? this is a very odd request and your step mom is absolutely the asshole in this situation. </s>

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