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AITA for cancelling the payments for my daughter's wedding after she told me my wife isn't invited?	my daughter (27f) is getting married in the fall. i (58m, het dad) am supposed to pay for the wedding, that's what we agreed on. we got the save the date invitations a few days after i put the payments through my bank (they need to be approved, so no money has been paid yet). my wife isn't invited to the wedding. i have been divorced for 15 years and married to my wife now for 8 years. my daughter never really liked my wife, they didn't get along well. my other two kids love her. i called my daughter and asked her why my wife isn't invited. she said that it's her wedding day and she only wants to invite her real family. i said "well did you invite mom's bf?" and she said yes. i said "well okay, then you should invite my wife too, or i am not paying for the wedding". she declined and said she isn't inviting my wife. i told her i'll cancel the payments then, and she didn't believe me. i cancelled them and my daughter is now super pissed at me, as is my ex wife. aita? eta1: my wife is 61, i met her 5 years after my divorce eta2: my daughter and wife never got along, she took her mom's side during the divorce and our relationship has been rocky ever since	19,048	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/viylx4/aita_for_cancelling_the_payments_for_my_daughters/	2022-06-23 14:46:31	nta you didn’t ask for your wife to be part of the wedding party, just a guest. your daughter has the right to not invite your wife but then she has to pay for her wedding.	you: "i'll cancel your wedding payments if you don't invite my wife" her: "no you won't and she's still not invited, lol" you: cancels payments her: surprised pikachu face nta	nta she has every right to decide who is at her wedding but you have every right to decide to support your wife in this. especially if she doesn't like her simply because you married after her mother	nta - why should you, and presumably your wife, pay for something that she’s not invited to. that’s not how it works. if she wants to exclude your wife then she can pay for it herself.	nah. your money and you get to spend it how you want. your daughter can decide who she wants at her wedding and you can decide not to pay for it.	nta. your daughter is being flat out rude. and where she has the right to decide who’s invited, you have the right to decide not to pay. stick to your guns and i wouldn’t go back and agree to pay if she decides to invite your wife. she’ll take your money and make it hell on your wife. she’s not going to suddenly decide to start playing nice. let the mom’s bf pay. she obviously thinks of him as family.	i am laughing at all the comments that are suggesting they support dad having to pay in spite of the no-invite for his wife because the daughter may have a "good reason" for disliking his wife. this sub regularly tells people that if people do not like the strings being attached to a monetary gift, then don't accept the gift. daughter is fully within her rights to decide her guest list, agreed there. dad is perfectly within reasonable assumptions to have not expected he would have to spell out that his paying is contingent on his wife being his plus one, given they have been married for 8 years. the post suggests that dad & daughter have been in discussion about the wedding plans & his financial contributions to it for a while. that the daughter chose not to advise him upfront that she didn't intend to invite his wife suggests she understood that this would be something her dad would be not happy about. she was banking on it being too late for him to back out of paying by the time he was made aware. the only way the daughter would not be the ass here would be if she had stated upfront that his wife would not be invited & dad chose to gift money fully aware of this. if he knew about it before he promised funds, then changed his mind, i'd agree he was an ass. as it stands, nta dad - she is welcome to choose her guest list. and she is welcome to not accept the small strings he's attached to his contributions towards the wedding (it's not like he's insisting on choosing the whole list or the venue or the menu or any of the other details that make a wedding). but she doesn't get to complain he won't pay because his one condition is being rejected. she gambled, she lost. play stupid games, win stupid prizes. if she can't afford the wedding without dad's money, then her choices are allow the wife to come so that dad pays or change her plans to accommodate a smaller budget without dad's money. her reasons for not wanting the wife there are irrelevant here.	is there a reason why your daughter never really liked your wife?	nta she has no right to be mad at you. you warned her if your wife is excluded you’re not coming to the wedding and no longer funding it either. she got to choose her guest list. you in turn chose how you wanted to spend your money. actions have consequences.	nta. partners get invited together, and that goes about 100x if it's the partner of someone who is paying for the event. all established partners get invited (not just marrieds) and the only exception is actual toxic people.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NAH	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	0.000485	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my daughter (27f) is getting married in the fall. i (58m, het dad) am supposed to pay for the wedding, that's what we agreed on. we got the save the date invitations a few days after i put the payments through my bank (they need to be approved, so no money has been paid yet). my wife isn't invited to the wedding. i have been divorced for 15 years and married to my wife now for 8 years. my daughter never really liked my wife, they didn't get along well. my other two kids love her. i called my daughter and asked her why my wife isn't invited. she said that it's her wedding day and she only wants to invite her real family. i said "well did you invite mom's bf?" and she said yes. i said "well okay, then you should invite my wife too, or i am not paying for the wedding". she declined and said she isn't inviting my wife. i told her i'll cancel the payments then, and she didn't believe me. i cancelled them and my daughter is now super pissed at me, as is my ex wife. aita? eta1: my wife is 61, i met her 5 years after my divorce eta2: my daughter and wife never got along, she took her mom's side during the divorce and our relationship has been rocky ever since	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my daughter (27f) is getting married in the fall. i (58m, het dad) am supposed to pay for the wedding, that's what we agreed on. we got the save the date invitations a few days after i put the payments through my bank (they need to be approved, so no money has been paid yet). my wife isn't invited to the wedding. i have been divorced for 15 years and married to my wife now for 8 years. my daughter never really liked my wife, they didn't get along well. my other two kids love her. i called my daughter and asked her why my wife isn't invited. she said that it's her wedding day and she only wants to invite her real family. i said "well did you invite mom's bf?" and she said yes. i said "well okay, then you should invite my wife too, or i am not paying for the wedding". she declined and said she isn't inviting my wife. i told her i'll cancel the payments then, and she didn't believe me. i cancelled them and my daughter is now super pissed at me, as is my ex wife. aita? eta1: my wife is 61, i met her 5 years after my divorce eta2: my daughter and wife never got along, she took her mom's side during the divorce and our relationship has been rocky ever since [/INST] nta you didn’t ask for your wife to be part of the wedding party, just a guest. your daughter has the right to not invite your wife but then she has to pay for her wedding. </s>
AITA for refusing to change my necklace?	i have worn a necklace for the last ten years. my friend, who is pagan, gave it to me as a gift when we first met. this friend passed away last year. the necklace is a pentagram. i do not believe it has magic. i am agnostic. i do not believe in any religion being better than another, because i don't think any religion is right. but i keep this to myself. i just like the necklace and my friend was/is important to me. it is the only jewelry i wear. i recently met my brother (måns) for dinner and he introduced his girlfriend eva (early 30s). she is christian. she believes in very many things i do not. she was very polite, but my brother told me she was uncomfortable. he said she comes from a culture where those things are evil. she does not want it in her life. i said i am not evil. i am wearing a star. it is rude. i did not ask her to take off her crucifix, which had a dead man nailed on it. which creeps me out a little. he told me that eva would be coming to dinner next sunday. it would be at our parents' home. they do not believe either. måns asked them to please talk to me. they said no. in their home i will wear what i like. they have said they would not pray either, like måns has asked. our sister greta has asked måns not to bring around someone ignorant. måns is mad at me for not removing the necklace. i believe that it is not evil, that saying someone is evil because of a star is wrong. and i do not like his girlfriend for demanding suck things. aita	22,221	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jdoiv2/aita_for_refusing_to_change_my_necklace/	2020-10-18 21:17:17	nta - people need to chill out about their own religion.	nta. it’s pretty entitled to expect other people to avoid wearing or doing things just because you may not be comfortable with. you should be able to wear what you like.	nta, your brother's girlfriend sounds like a lunatic.	nta. pentagrams were neutral symbols of protection before christianity ascribed a negative connotation to them. i'm sure she also thinks reversed crusifixes are a sign of devil worship and not the martyrdom of st. peter.	nta. his gf sounds high maintenance.	nta it’s a star and it literally has no more power than anyone gives it. i’m also fairly certain that a normal pentagram in and of itself is evil, it’s the inverted one that’s considered evil, though i have no proof of this other than ”i think i read something somewhere”	[removed]	nta. your sister is right, she is ignorant and an asshole for trying to make others bend to her beliefs.	“hey! i’m on a diet! you can’t eat that donut!” that’s what your brother and eva sound like. how ridiculous. nta.	nta. people like that are what's wrong in the world.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i have worn a necklace for the last ten years. my friend, who is pagan, gave it to me as a gift when we first met. this friend passed away last year. the necklace is a pentagram. i do not believe it has magic. i am agnostic. i do not believe in any religion being better than another, because i don't think any religion is right. but i keep this to myself. i just like the necklace and my friend was/is important to me. it is the only jewelry i wear. i recently met my brother (måns) for dinner and he introduced his girlfriend eva (early 30s). she is christian. she believes in very many things i do not. she was very polite, but my brother told me she was uncomfortable. he said she comes from a culture where those things are evil. she does not want it in her life. i said i am not evil. i am wearing a star. it is rude. i did not ask her to take off her crucifix, which had a dead man nailed on it. which creeps me out a little. he told me that eva would be coming to dinner next sunday. it would be at our parents' home. they do not believe either. måns asked them to please talk to me. they said no. in their home i will wear what i like. they have said they would not pray either, like måns has asked. our sister greta has asked måns not to bring around someone ignorant. måns is mad at me for not removing the necklace. i believe that it is not evil, that saying someone is evil because of a star is wrong. and i do not like his girlfriend for demanding suck things. aita	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i have worn a necklace for the last ten years. my friend, who is pagan, gave it to me as a gift when we first met. this friend passed away last year. the necklace is a pentagram. i do not believe it has magic. i am agnostic. i do not believe in any religion being better than another, because i don't think any religion is right. but i keep this to myself. i just like the necklace and my friend was/is important to me. it is the only jewelry i wear. i recently met my brother (måns) for dinner and he introduced his girlfriend eva (early 30s). she is christian. she believes in very many things i do not. she was very polite, but my brother told me she was uncomfortable. he said she comes from a culture where those things are evil. she does not want it in her life. i said i am not evil. i am wearing a star. it is rude. i did not ask her to take off her crucifix, which had a dead man nailed on it. which creeps me out a little. he told me that eva would be coming to dinner next sunday. it would be at our parents' home. they do not believe either. måns asked them to please talk to me. they said no. in their home i will wear what i like. they have said they would not pray either, like måns has asked. our sister greta has asked måns not to bring around someone ignorant. måns is mad at me for not removing the necklace. i believe that it is not evil, that saying someone is evil because of a star is wrong. and i do not like his girlfriend for demanding suck things. aita [/INST] nta - people need to chill out about their own religion. </s>
AITA for telling my dad his decision to move on fast is the reason we feel the way we do?	hi guys. me (15f) and my brother (17m) lost our mom 8 years ago. our dad remarried six months after her death. we both found it really hard to come to terms with and i'll admit we have been very cold and sometimes mean because of it. our dad just moved on and he expected us to move on after six months. it's been a pretty shitty few years for us. and earlier this year our dad decided we all needed family therapy and so we ended up there... and my brother doesn't want to talk. he sits and says nothing the whole time but the therapist a few weeks ago (back in early october) asked me if i was willing to talk and so i did. i said my brother and i were angry our dad remarried after six months. that he and his wife thought six month was enough for us to come to terms with our moms loss and be ready for someone new living with us and trying to parent us. i said the fact they never saw anything wrong with it made us dislike them both and that the reason neither of us bonded with the new members of our family was we were still really angry and hurt about it and no matter how long has since passed, it doesn't erase what happened. i also said it was insulting to us that they thought she would be our new mom and that we would love her the same especially after the way they made everything happened when they moved so fast. my dad asked if i loved my stepmom now and i said no. my brother didn't answer the question. he then asked why we were still holding onto it after so long. i told him because he might have needed to move fast for him but he did so at our expense and that was not something we could just forget about or get over like it didn't matter. things have been tense since. my brother is grounded for not opening up and i was grounded for being rude. the therapist knows all this and has asked if we wanted to do individual sessions but our dad's wife said no. then my dad said we're doing it as a family so we can be a family. aita? just adding some notes here because some things were asked multiple times. my mom's death was sudden (car accident). i am pretty sure there was no affair but i can't say for sure. we believe they met at work after my mom died (my dad went back a week after she died and a couple of days after that he mentioned a new co-worker). we found them in bed together a month after my mom died. we think it was a ons. that then became more because a month later she was introduced to us as his girlfriend and she was unemployed and he mentioned just before that the new co-worker left.	18,637	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/k9oqt3/aita_for_telling_my_dad_his_decision_to_move_on/	2020-12-09 09:16:51	nta, this is made especially clear by the fact that you got grounded for what you said in therapy .	nta but wow, your dad is. 6 months is crazy fast, and therapy should be a safe space, the fact that you're grounded for being rude and your brother is grounded for not opening up speaks volumes. i'm sorry you're going through this.	nta. your father was and is very selfish. he may have been ready to move on after six months (less, given that he presumably dated this woman before marrying her) but he had no possible right to demand that you and your brother process your grief at his convenience. now he’s punishing you because you’re not playing into his happy family fantasy. it wouldn’t be surprising if he is one of those who piously tells himself that he remarried “for the kids”, not for self-gratification, and resents that you and your brother aren’t playing along. your stepmother is a fool if she thinks that love can be commanded and nothing in your post suggests that she is worthy of your love.	>i was grounded for being rude. how were you rude? you were encouraged to open up and you did. if they didn't like hearing it, they shouldn't have tried therapy at all. looks like your dad thinks you guys need therapy, not he or his wife. maybe he thinks you're harboring some kind of juvenile resentment? idk nta	nta. grounding both of you for opening up during therapy is literally the worst thing you can do while still trying to actively encourage family therapy sessions. you both are absolutely valid in your feelings and should be allowed individual sessions throughout this process as well. your dad’s wife should have no say in your mental health/treatment and that’s a real shame she feels so entitled to it. i hope things get easier, op.	nta sorry, you were grounded for opening up and your brother was grounded for not opening up? thats sound logic if i've ever seen it smh. you are in no way the asshole here, your dad wanted you to open up and did family therapy to further get you to open up about the problems so you did. it even sounded like you were just being honest without purposely trying to make him feel bad. i am glad that you managed to open up about this in therapy as that is important but how your dad is handling the infomation is bad. he should continue to take you and your brother to family therapy where hopefully you can take about his reaction to you opening up about your feelings. i hope that maybe the grounding was more of an initial reaction and that it wasnt fully thought out.	nta. your dad, and his wife, however, total a$$holes, imo, both for the way they handled their getting together, and the fact that they've punished you, and your brother, for things that happened in therapy. is the therapist aware that they did this?	nta, considering your brother is 17, he's probably counting down the days till he can legally leave home. your dad will probably never see him again especially with the incidents leading up to his legal adulthood.	nta. your father and stepmother don't want therapy. they want a reputable 3rd party to convince you your hurt and anger are misplaced and he and wife did nothing wrong. that's beyond fucked up. therapy is supposed to be a safe escape to talk about your feelings. if he's gonna go and ground you afterwards, that's beyound fucked up twice. at the next session, i would start by telling the therapist about the grounding and see what s/he says, if they "side" with your father/stepmom, that's likely classified as malpractice and beyond fucked up three times. isn't there anyone in the family you can ask for support? or maybe a caring teacher?	nta. i recently lost a family member, coming to terms to the loss of a family member takes more than 6 months, i can't imagine how long it would take to come to terms with the loss of your mom. you have every right to be angry, and he should understand where you are coming from.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: hi guys. me (15f) and my brother (17m) lost our mom 8 years ago. our dad remarried six months after her death. we both found it really hard to come to terms with and i'll admit we have been very cold and sometimes mean because of it. our dad just moved on and he expected us to move on after six months. it's been a pretty shitty few years for us. and earlier this year our dad decided we all needed family therapy and so we ended up there... and my brother doesn't want to talk. he sits and says nothing the whole time but the therapist a few weeks ago (back in early october) asked me if i was willing to talk and so i did. i said my brother and i were angry our dad remarried after six months. that he and his wife thought six month was enough for us to come to terms with our moms loss and be ready for someone new living with us and trying to parent us. i said the fact they never saw anything wrong with it made us dislike them both and that the reason neither of us bonded with the new members of our family was we were still really angry and hurt about it and no matter how long has since passed, it doesn't erase what happened. i also said it was insulting to us that they thought she would be our new mom and that we would love her the same especially after the way they made everything happened when they moved so fast. my dad asked if i loved my stepmom now and i said no. my brother didn't answer the question. he then asked why we were still holding onto it after so long. i told him because he might have needed to move fast for him but he did so at our expense and that was not something we could just forget about or get over like it didn't matter. things have been tense since. my brother is grounded for not opening up and i was grounded for being rude. the therapist knows all this and has asked if we wanted to do individual sessions but our dad's wife said no. then my dad said we're doing it as a family so we can be a family. aita? just adding some notes here because some things were asked multiple times. my mom's death was sudden (car accident). i am pretty sure there was no affair but i can't say for sure. we believe they met at work after my mom died (my dad went back a week after she died and a couple of days after that he mentioned a new co-worker). we found them in bed together a month after my mom died. we think it was a ons. that then became more because a month later she was introduced to us as his girlfriend and she was unemployed and he mentioned just before that the new co-worker left.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> hi guys. me (15f) and my brother (17m) lost our mom 8 years ago. our dad remarried six months after her death. we both found it really hard to come to terms with and i'll admit we have been very cold and sometimes mean because of it. our dad just moved on and he expected us to move on after six months. it's been a pretty shitty few years for us. and earlier this year our dad decided we all needed family therapy and so we ended up there... and my brother doesn't want to talk. he sits and says nothing the whole time but the therapist a few weeks ago (back in early october) asked me if i was willing to talk and so i did. i said my brother and i were angry our dad remarried after six months. that he and his wife thought six month was enough for us to come to terms with our moms loss and be ready for someone new living with us and trying to parent us. i said the fact they never saw anything wrong with it made us dislike them both and that the reason neither of us bonded with the new members of our family was we were still really angry and hurt about it and no matter how long has since passed, it doesn't erase what happened. i also said it was insulting to us that they thought she would be our new mom and that we would love her the same especially after the way they made everything happened when they moved so fast. my dad asked if i loved my stepmom now and i said no. my brother didn't answer the question. he then asked why we were still holding onto it after so long. i told him because he might have needed to move fast for him but he did so at our expense and that was not something we could just forget about or get over like it didn't matter. things have been tense since. my brother is grounded for not opening up and i was grounded for being rude. the therapist knows all this and has asked if we wanted to do individual sessions but our dad's wife said no. then my dad said we're doing it as a family so we can be a family. aita? just adding some notes here because some things were asked multiple times. my mom's death was sudden (car accident). i am pretty sure there was no affair but i can't say for sure. we believe they met at work after my mom died (my dad went back a week after she died and a couple of days after that he mentioned a new co-worker). we found them in bed together a month after my mom died. we think it was a ons. that then became more because a month later she was introduced to us as his girlfriend and she was unemployed and he mentioned just before that the new co-worker left. [/INST] nta, this is made especially clear by the fact that you got grounded for what you said in therapy . </s>
AITA for telling my wife that I do not miss her?	my wife and i have a great relationship, generally. we work together but today she wasn't in the office because she was at an all-day social gathering with a person who sometimes causes her anxiety. based on my call log, my wife called me at 9:28 a.m. and we talked for 2-and-a-half minutes, she called at 10:56 a.m. and we talked for less than a minute, she called at 11:50 a.m. and we talked for 12 minutes, she called at 12:31 p.m. and we talked for 21 minutes, she called at 1:39 p.m. and we talked less than a minute, she called at 2:01 p.m. and we talked less than a minute, she called at 3:49 p.m. and we talked less than a minute, and she called at 6:20 p.m. and we talked for 34 minutes. during this final call, she was driving to the office. we hung up while she was in the office with me. she walked over and hugged me and said, "did you miss me?" i hesitated. "uhhhh ... sure, i guess." she got angry. "you didn't miss me?" "well, baby," i said, "i've talked to you more than i've talked to anyone else today." "no you didn't," she said. i pulled out my call log and showed her. "well, i'm going to find a man who appreciates my calls!" "i didn't say i don't appreciate your calls," i said. "it's just not logical to be talking to someone all day and then ask them if they missed you." that got me nowhere. i was probably using too much logic. she was clearly seeking comfort because she was in an uncomfortable situation all day. when she returned to me, she was probably looking for a little celebration and support, since she made it through today's emotional difficulties. i didn't give it to her, thereby making me the asshole. now she's in her office talking to someone else on the phone. and i'm in my office justifying myself on reddit.	6,199	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pg8cdq/aita_for_telling_my_wife_that_i_do_not_miss_her/	2021-09-02 02:04:20	yta for your condescension. “i was probably using too much logic” tells me everything i need to know about how you view your wife.	[deleted]	[deleted]	nah because i genuinely believe this is just two people interpreting the situation differently. however, just a suggestion for you. you clearly did not enjoy her calls, and instead of just saying that to her, you essentially said "i didn't miss you because you wouldn't stfu" at the end of the day. that's why she's mad. just say after the second call next time "i'm sorry, i have something i need to get done today. can i call you later or talk when you get back?" there, done. your wife doesn't know she's annoying you unless you say something to her.	"i was probably using too much logic." .....esh. she sounds exhausting, but you sound like you think of your wife as a lesser person.	completely nta. she says that she will find a man who misses her? in what world is this even close to being acceptable to say? even though it most probably wasnt with complete seriousness, she was threatening to replace you, over such a little incident. besides, you just said the truth, just because you didnt miss her, it doesnt mean, that you dont love her/value her/appreciate her presents. besides its great that you assisted her with so many calls.	you both sound exhausting, to be honest. honey did you miss me? of course i did, darling! how hard is that? on the other hand, how long has she known you? i imagine she should be used to your non-abstract thinking.	nta when did you have time to miss her? she called 7 times during a 9 hour period when there was not a family emergency. she sounds insecure and needy. good luck	"yes so much, it was just awful without you" it's not that hard dude but i won't say you're ah for it only slightly stupid. nah	>she was clearly seeking comfort because she was in an uncomfortable situation all day. you are probably correct. that many calls indicates she needed your strength to help her through the day. nah	YTA	null	null	NAH	ESH	NTA	null	NTA	NAH	NAH	0.357068	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my wife and i have a great relationship, generally. we work together but today she wasn't in the office because she was at an all-day social gathering with a person who sometimes causes her anxiety. based on my call log, my wife called me at 9:28 a.m. and we talked for 2-and-a-half minutes, she called at 10:56 a.m. and we talked for less than a minute, she called at 11:50 a.m. and we talked for 12 minutes, she called at 12:31 p.m. and we talked for 21 minutes, she called at 1:39 p.m. and we talked less than a minute, she called at 2:01 p.m. and we talked less than a minute, she called at 3:49 p.m. and we talked less than a minute, and she called at 6:20 p.m. and we talked for 34 minutes. during this final call, she was driving to the office. we hung up while she was in the office with me. she walked over and hugged me and said, "did you miss me?" i hesitated. "uhhhh ... sure, i guess." she got angry. "you didn't miss me?" "well, baby," i said, "i've talked to you more than i've talked to anyone else today." "no you didn't," she said. i pulled out my call log and showed her. "well, i'm going to find a man who appreciates my calls!" "i didn't say i don't appreciate your calls," i said. "it's just not logical to be talking to someone all day and then ask them if they missed you." that got me nowhere. i was probably using too much logic. she was clearly seeking comfort because she was in an uncomfortable situation all day. when she returned to me, she was probably looking for a little celebration and support, since she made it through today's emotional difficulties. i didn't give it to her, thereby making me the asshole. now she's in her office talking to someone else on the phone. and i'm in my office justifying myself on reddit.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my wife and i have a great relationship, generally. we work together but today she wasn't in the office because she was at an all-day social gathering with a person who sometimes causes her anxiety. based on my call log, my wife called me at 9:28 a.m. and we talked for 2-and-a-half minutes, she called at 10:56 a.m. and we talked for less than a minute, she called at 11:50 a.m. and we talked for 12 minutes, she called at 12:31 p.m. and we talked for 21 minutes, she called at 1:39 p.m. and we talked less than a minute, she called at 2:01 p.m. and we talked less than a minute, she called at 3:49 p.m. and we talked less than a minute, and she called at 6:20 p.m. and we talked for 34 minutes. during this final call, she was driving to the office. we hung up while she was in the office with me. she walked over and hugged me and said, "did you miss me?" i hesitated. "uhhhh ... sure, i guess." she got angry. "you didn't miss me?" "well, baby," i said, "i've talked to you more than i've talked to anyone else today." "no you didn't," she said. i pulled out my call log and showed her. "well, i'm going to find a man who appreciates my calls!" "i didn't say i don't appreciate your calls," i said. "it's just not logical to be talking to someone all day and then ask them if they missed you." that got me nowhere. i was probably using too much logic. she was clearly seeking comfort because she was in an uncomfortable situation all day. when she returned to me, she was probably looking for a little celebration and support, since she made it through today's emotional difficulties. i didn't give it to her, thereby making me the asshole. now she's in her office talking to someone else on the phone. and i'm in my office justifying myself on reddit. [/INST] yta for your condescension. “i was probably using too much logic” tells me everything i need to know about how you view your wife. </s>
AITA for firing an employee returning from maternity leave?	i feel like the devil right now, so i’ll accept whatever judgement you all have. i run a team of about 6 people. our company offers a large amount of maternity leave, 10 months. one of my employees got pregnant recently, i’ll call her jess. our team does project based work and in the period between her leaving for ml we finished up the project we were working on when she left, and started working on a project without her. during this period, our team had to adapt to working without her expertise in certain matters. we adapted and eventually some of us developed the skills needed to do some of her workload. the situation we have now is me, and 2 others split half the work that jess used to do, and we hired someone new to come in to the team to handle the other part of jess’s workload and then some. this new employee came at significantly reduced cost, as he was straight out of uni and we pay him a fraction of what jess costs currently. now jess has come back to the team, but there is another issue. our firm has informed us that for some fucking reason we no longer have the budget for a 7 person team, and will have to let someone go. this news came about when i submitted the paperwork for jess’s return. we are 5 months into a project that should take an estimated 10 months, and my decision came down to jess and the man we hired to replace her. the reason we hired a replacement, which is not normally what we do, is because we anticipated that for this project the workload would be far greater than our current capacity, which it is not. as you can tell by the title, i chose the replacement. i did so for the following reasons: * far cheaper, thus freeing up a lot more money than keeping jess on * he was up to date with the project and we would be able to move forward seamlessly, whereas with jess we would have to take time catching her up to speed on half the project * the clients already knew and liked working with him, whereas they didn’t know jess at all * she has been out of the field for a prolonged period, whilst he has been here for the past 9 months, so she may, or may not, find it hard to adapt back to work life, whilst with him it isn’t a question * he performed his work better than she did hers and interacted better with the team. obviously, the ideal situation which i wanted was to keep both and not put a new single mother with no other job lined up out in the cold, but i had to do right by the team and firm. i told her i’d write her a brilliant letter of recommendation, and that in a few months she could try and apply for a job at our firm, hopefully we’ll have the budget, but she snapped at me and told me not to bother, and called me a cunt and left. i know i sound cold and heartless but i had to be fair to both employees, not just jess, right? aita?	15,070	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xp3733/aita_for_firing_an_employee_returning_from/	2022-09-27 02:00:42	yta. every single reason you mentioned was only true because she had been gone on maternity leave which legally cannot be a reason to terminate someone. yet it is the cause behind everyone reason you gave. be prepared for a lawsuit.	i’m going to go with yta. even though you listed your reasons, it won’t play that way in court. will any woman feel safe in her job at your company if she gets pregnant now?	you're punishing her for having a baby and taking the maternity leave that your business offers. you knew she was coming back, why didn't you hire a temp replacement until that time? you're not going save money after she takes legal action for being fired because she's a mother. yta	what's the point of having a maternity leave policy if you just replace and fire the person taking maternity leave? yta	yta precisely for this: “she has been out of the field for a prolonged period.” it’s called having a baby. this is is what women have to do to have a family; this is why laws protecting women on maternity leave exist in the first place. i bet you call yourself a person who believes in equality; i bet you don’t think of yourself as a sexist at all. but you are one.	yta underpay someone increase everyone’s workload without increased pay punish a woman for spending time with her baby and you’re seriously questioning if you’re an ah? then again most in management are.	yta. what is the point of the company maternity leave policy if the person offered the leave and guaranteed a job to return to is fired before her return? that isn't a maternity leave policy if you can just fire someone for using said leave. which in the end, is what you did. also, the new guy is only doing part of the job. the other team members have taken on additional responsibilities that jess would have taken back upon her return. so they now have more work with the same pay. and yes, your "fairness" is towards the actual employee. not the temp. the temp is just that, a temp. someone to gain some experience in part of a job. that's it. basically a substitute for the person who actually has the job. good luck when she sues!	yta. instead of hiring a contract or temporary worker to take over for a staff member who was out on medical/maternity leave, you hired a full time employee. you found someone younger, with less experience, who would work for less money. so, you fired your long term employee, in favor of the cheaper one. your budget was for a 6 person team before jess went on maternity leave, was for 6 people while she was out, and, gee what a shock, "for some reason" still only has a budget for 6 people when jess is ready to come back. you're discriminating against a woman for getting pregnant. she should sue your rear end off.	yta. here's hoping jess finds this post for her wrongful termination suit, assuming you live in a place with fair laws about that kind of thing.	yta. you traded one person for someone else because the new guy is cheaper. if jess had been injured and was on sick leave for several months would you have hired a replacement? probably not. your reasoning is lame and you act like you care about nothing but money. jess has every reason to sue for wrongful termination and the only one to blame will be you.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i feel like the devil right now, so i’ll accept whatever judgement you all have. i run a team of about 6 people. our company offers a large amount of maternity leave, 10 months. one of my employees got pregnant recently, i’ll call her jess. our team does project based work and in the period between her leaving for ml we finished up the project we were working on when she left, and started working on a project without her. during this period, our team had to adapt to working without her expertise in certain matters. we adapted and eventually some of us developed the skills needed to do some of her workload. the situation we have now is me, and 2 others split half the work that jess used to do, and we hired someone new to come in to the team to handle the other part of jess’s workload and then some. this new employee came at significantly reduced cost, as he was straight out of uni and we pay him a fraction of what jess costs currently. now jess has come back to the team, but there is another issue. our firm has informed us that for some fucking reason we no longer have the budget for a 7 person team, and will have to let someone go. this news came about when i submitted the paperwork for jess’s return. we are 5 months into a project that should take an estimated 10 months, and my decision came down to jess and the man we hired to replace her. the reason we hired a replacement, which is not normally what we do, is because we anticipated that for this project the workload would be far greater than our current capacity, which it is not. as you can tell by the title, i chose the replacement. i did so for the following reasons: * far cheaper, thus freeing up a lot more money than keeping jess on * he was up to date with the project and we would be able to move forward seamlessly, whereas with jess we would have to take time catching her up to speed on half the project * the clients already knew and liked working with him, whereas they didn’t know jess at all * she has been out of the field for a prolonged period, whilst he has been here for the past 9 months, so she may, or may not, find it hard to adapt back to work life, whilst with him it isn’t a question * he performed his work better than she did hers and interacted better with the team. obviously, the ideal situation which i wanted was to keep both and not put a new single mother with no other job lined up out in the cold, but i had to do right by the team and firm. i told her i’d write her a brilliant letter of recommendation, and that in a few months she could try and apply for a job at our firm, hopefully we’ll have the budget, but she snapped at me and told me not to bother, and called me a cunt and left. i know i sound cold and heartless but i had to be fair to both employees, not just jess, right? aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i feel like the devil right now, so i’ll accept whatever judgement you all have. i run a team of about 6 people. our company offers a large amount of maternity leave, 10 months. one of my employees got pregnant recently, i’ll call her jess. our team does project based work and in the period between her leaving for ml we finished up the project we were working on when she left, and started working on a project without her. during this period, our team had to adapt to working without her expertise in certain matters. we adapted and eventually some of us developed the skills needed to do some of her workload. the situation we have now is me, and 2 others split half the work that jess used to do, and we hired someone new to come in to the team to handle the other part of jess’s workload and then some. this new employee came at significantly reduced cost, as he was straight out of uni and we pay him a fraction of what jess costs currently. now jess has come back to the team, but there is another issue. our firm has informed us that for some fucking reason we no longer have the budget for a 7 person team, and will have to let someone go. this news came about when i submitted the paperwork for jess’s return. we are 5 months into a project that should take an estimated 10 months, and my decision came down to jess and the man we hired to replace her. the reason we hired a replacement, which is not normally what we do, is because we anticipated that for this project the workload would be far greater than our current capacity, which it is not. as you can tell by the title, i chose the replacement. i did so for the following reasons: * far cheaper, thus freeing up a lot more money than keeping jess on * he was up to date with the project and we would be able to move forward seamlessly, whereas with jess we would have to take time catching her up to speed on half the project * the clients already knew and liked working with him, whereas they didn’t know jess at all * she has been out of the field for a prolonged period, whilst he has been here for the past 9 months, so she may, or may not, find it hard to adapt back to work life, whilst with him it isn’t a question * he performed his work better than she did hers and interacted better with the team. obviously, the ideal situation which i wanted was to keep both and not put a new single mother with no other job lined up out in the cold, but i had to do right by the team and firm. i told her i’d write her a brilliant letter of recommendation, and that in a few months she could try and apply for a job at our firm, hopefully we’ll have the budget, but she snapped at me and told me not to bother, and called me a cunt and left. i know i sound cold and heartless but i had to be fair to both employees, not just jess, right? aita? [/INST] yta. every single reason you mentioned was only true because she had been gone on maternity leave which legally cannot be a reason to terminate someone. yet it is the cause behind everyone reason you gave. be prepared for a lawsuit. </s>
AITA for getting upset at something I had originally said is ok regarding my wedding	hello. i was supposed to get married last year but due to the obvious issue it had to be cancelled and we moved it to this year. finally my area is doing well in terms of covid, the cases are lower every day, the vaccination process is going well and the regulations are relaxed and everything is almost back to normal. i'm getting married in a month and i couldn't be happier. i have a no kids wedding and i had notified everyone that it's a no kids wedding so they could tell me whether they'll be able to attend or not. i said it's fine if you can't find a babysitter for the day and i won't judge if you can't afford to have a sitter or you can't find one and you won't be able to attend, i just said i'd like to be notified at least two weeks prior to the wedding because that's when i'm gonna give the list of the guests to the venue. 4 of my friends and a cousin of mine called me earlier this week to tell me they won't be able to attend because they can't find or afford a babysitter. they wished me well on the wedding. i got very upset. they knew for an entire year that i was planning a no kids wedding and they couldn't figure something out which tells me they don't actually care about me. the phone calls of the 4 friends were separate and happened in the span of 2 days and my cousin actually visited me to give me the wedding gift and tell me she won't be able to attend. my cousin was the last one to tell me and i went off. i told her how i feel like my wedding is not important to them if they can't figure out how to leave their kids alone for one day. my cousin then said how i'm being unfair because i had previously said its fine if we can't attend because of the kids for whatever reason and then i said that i'm being notified last minute and she pulled the argument that they notified way before the two weeks notice before the wedding and that they notified more than a month before it. i told my cousin to leave my house because i needed to think. i called my mom to ask for advice and also consulted my fiancé but they both told me that i'm overreacting because the girls met my wishes and notified one month prior and how i was the one that said its not a problem if you can't attend because of the kids. i said i felt it was unfair that they'd put their kids above my wedding when it was just for one night and my mom scolded me and said i'm being too entitled for expecting people to put their kids needs or their financial issues aside because i'm getting married and that my wedding might be the most important thing to me but it's not the most important thing to everyone else and if someone has to attend 10 weddings a year it's natural they won't be able to meet the needs of every single one. so aita for getting upset at something i previously said i wouldn't mind	4,817	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o0bot6/aita_for_getting_upset_at_something_i_had/	2021-06-15 11:02:33	yta because of this attitude "i said i felt it was unfair that they'd put their kids above my wedding" if there is someone out there that doesn't put their kids over your wedding -- or any wedding -- then they are shitty parents i understand why you want a kid free wedding, and that is your right. the other side of that coin is that some people with kids won't come to the wedding for lots of reasons involving their kids. that is their right. you asked for notice, and they were polite enough to give it to you.	yta, you said it was ok and gave them a deadline and now you went back on that. childcare is hard to keep and often people won’t know for sure if they have it until a week or two before an event. you’ve given no reason why you aren’t the asshole here, and every reason that you are.	yta you gave a deadline. they followed it. an invitation is an invitation, not a summons. with the pandemic, people's lives have changed, particularly financially. and it's been really tough on kids. it might be harder to find a babysitter because of other people's lives changing. maybe they are not comfortable going to a big wedding due to covid and are just trying to say it's because of a babysitter because you had said that initially. also, maybe you're just a bridezilla in general and they are using this because they don't want to go.	yta. don’t plan a no-kids wedding and then throw a tantrum because people with kids can’t attend.	yta even if you hadn’t said you were ok with it earlier, which you did, you’re still being unreasonable. especially for those who can’t afford the sitter. your wedding may be the centre of your universe but other people have lives outside of you. you’re the one ruining your special day with your attitude. let it go and enjoy the day or spend it sulking - your choice. and apologise to your poor cousin.	> i won't judge oh good > i got very upset. they knew for an entire year that i was planning a no kids wedding and they couldn't figure something out which tells me they don't actually care about me. so that was a lie. yta.	yta. and a hypocritical one at that. first you told them it was ok if they couldn't attend due to childcare or financial constraints and then you blow up when they dare to take you at your word?! this has not been a typical year, and it's been financially and emotionally difficult for so many people. your wedding is not as important to others as it is to you, and your complete lack of understanding or any smidgen of graciousness has probably earned you the bridezilla title after your little tantrum at a cousin who was kind enough to hand deliver a gift to you. time to apologize and realize that the world does not revolve around your nuptials	yta- everyone is doing more than what you asked them to do. not only did these folx inform you waaayyyy before the two week deadline, one even brought you a wedding present. you specifically told people that it was okay to not attend if they weren't able to come without their children. you specifically told people that if there were issue to let you know two weeks before the wedding. and so because people are doing exactly as you asked you feel entitled to lose it at them? i get it. you're stressed. it's been a horrible year. pandemic has and will continue to effect everyone as globally the number of people vaccinated is still very low. you are now deciding that you know people's emotions better than they do based on them doing exactly what you asked them to do. would you feel more loved of they showed up with kids? would you feel better if they told you 'too bad it's adults only, my kids have to come'? probably not. you asked people to do exactly what they are doing and now you want to punish them or judge them for doing what you told them to do. it's a no win situation for anyone invited to your wedding.	yta. sorry, i know it’s sucks when everyone on reddit is saying it. i was also the arsehole on one of these when i asked a question. apologise to your cousin and explain that she was the last person to tell you, and she got the brunt of all the cancellations.	yta. your mom said it all.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: hello. i was supposed to get married last year but due to the obvious issue it had to be cancelled and we moved it to this year. finally my area is doing well in terms of covid, the cases are lower every day, the vaccination process is going well and the regulations are relaxed and everything is almost back to normal. i'm getting married in a month and i couldn't be happier. i have a no kids wedding and i had notified everyone that it's a no kids wedding so they could tell me whether they'll be able to attend or not. i said it's fine if you can't find a babysitter for the day and i won't judge if you can't afford to have a sitter or you can't find one and you won't be able to attend, i just said i'd like to be notified at least two weeks prior to the wedding because that's when i'm gonna give the list of the guests to the venue. 4 of my friends and a cousin of mine called me earlier this week to tell me they won't be able to attend because they can't find or afford a babysitter. they wished me well on the wedding. i got very upset. they knew for an entire year that i was planning a no kids wedding and they couldn't figure something out which tells me they don't actually care about me. the phone calls of the 4 friends were separate and happened in the span of 2 days and my cousin actually visited me to give me the wedding gift and tell me she won't be able to attend. my cousin was the last one to tell me and i went off. i told her how i feel like my wedding is not important to them if they can't figure out how to leave their kids alone for one day. my cousin then said how i'm being unfair because i had previously said its fine if we can't attend because of the kids for whatever reason and then i said that i'm being notified last minute and she pulled the argument that they notified way before the two weeks notice before the wedding and that they notified more than a month before it. i told my cousin to leave my house because i needed to think. i called my mom to ask for advice and also consulted my fiancé but they both told me that i'm overreacting because the girls met my wishes and notified one month prior and how i was the one that said its not a problem if you can't attend because of the kids. i said i felt it was unfair that they'd put their kids above my wedding when it was just for one night and my mom scolded me and said i'm being too entitled for expecting people to put their kids needs or their financial issues aside because i'm getting married and that my wedding might be the most important thing to me but it's not the most important thing to everyone else and if someone has to attend 10 weddings a year it's natural they won't be able to meet the needs of every single one. so aita for getting upset at something i previously said i wouldn't mind	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> hello. i was supposed to get married last year but due to the obvious issue it had to be cancelled and we moved it to this year. finally my area is doing well in terms of covid, the cases are lower every day, the vaccination process is going well and the regulations are relaxed and everything is almost back to normal. i'm getting married in a month and i couldn't be happier. i have a no kids wedding and i had notified everyone that it's a no kids wedding so they could tell me whether they'll be able to attend or not. i said it's fine if you can't find a babysitter for the day and i won't judge if you can't afford to have a sitter or you can't find one and you won't be able to attend, i just said i'd like to be notified at least two weeks prior to the wedding because that's when i'm gonna give the list of the guests to the venue. 4 of my friends and a cousin of mine called me earlier this week to tell me they won't be able to attend because they can't find or afford a babysitter. they wished me well on the wedding. i got very upset. they knew for an entire year that i was planning a no kids wedding and they couldn't figure something out which tells me they don't actually care about me. the phone calls of the 4 friends were separate and happened in the span of 2 days and my cousin actually visited me to give me the wedding gift and tell me she won't be able to attend. my cousin was the last one to tell me and i went off. i told her how i feel like my wedding is not important to them if they can't figure out how to leave their kids alone for one day. my cousin then said how i'm being unfair because i had previously said its fine if we can't attend because of the kids for whatever reason and then i said that i'm being notified last minute and she pulled the argument that they notified way before the two weeks notice before the wedding and that they notified more than a month before it. i told my cousin to leave my house because i needed to think. i called my mom to ask for advice and also consulted my fiancé but they both told me that i'm overreacting because the girls met my wishes and notified one month prior and how i was the one that said its not a problem if you can't attend because of the kids. i said i felt it was unfair that they'd put their kids above my wedding when it was just for one night and my mom scolded me and said i'm being too entitled for expecting people to put their kids needs or their financial issues aside because i'm getting married and that my wedding might be the most important thing to me but it's not the most important thing to everyone else and if someone has to attend 10 weddings a year it's natural they won't be able to meet the needs of every single one. so aita for getting upset at something i previously said i wouldn't mind [/INST] yta because of this attitude "i said i felt it was unfair that they'd put their kids above my wedding" if there is someone out there that doesn't put their kids over your wedding -- or any wedding -- then they are shitty parents i understand why you want a kid free wedding, and that is your right. the other side of that coin is that some people with kids won't come to the wedding for lots of reasons involving their kids. that is their right. you asked for notice, and they were polite enough to give it to you. </s>
AITA for telling my new co worker it was misleading of him to be wearing his wedding band when he's a widower?	hi. a couple of weeks ago we had a new employee hired at the company. he's a good guy and a widower named "james" (36) and to my knowledge his late wife passed away 8 months ago. me (f32) and the other coworkers got along well with him. however i noticed that he is still wearing his wedding band on his finger. it kind of confused me a bit and i couldn't help but bring it up with him while on lunch break. we talked and i pointed out that he was being misleading by still wearing his wedding band when he's a widower. he looked quite bothered by what i said but i tried to explain that i think that he was giving people the wrong idea or impression about his relationship status since he's technically single and on his own right now (don't want to sound cruel but i'm speaking from technical angle). james said that he didn't give it much thought (meaning he don't care what people think) and that even if he wasn't wearing his wedding band and some woman approached him he'd still turn them down since he's obviously not interested. for some reason things got awkward and everyone stopped eating and just stared at james and me. i told him i don't know but that really really felt generally misleading of him as in making people think he is in a relationship (married) when he is not regardless of how he felt about being in a relationship. he got upset, called me rude, and said that i repeatedly disrespected his marriage and his late wife's memory with what i said then took his stuff and walked away. my co workers said regardless of who is right or wrong (though some said he overreacted) there was no reason for me to bring this up on the first place and cause a scene and make james upset with us like that now he's not speaking to me and others who sided with me. aita? did i overstep or did he overreact? this was just a conversation we were casually having with the other co workers and i didn't use any insensitive tones or anything but we had a discussion and it suddenly turned into an argument. i tried to let things calm down but the situation got out of my hand unexpectedly.	22,457	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rq451r/aita_for_telling_my_new_co_worker_it_was/	2021-12-28 02:24:38	yta. a wedding ring isn’t a sign to others you aren’t available it’s a commitment to a person you love. his wife might be dead but if he’s not ready to move on than he’s still committed to her. your confusion about his status isn’t his concern.	yta "i couldn't help but bring it up" yes you could. just stop talking. help it next time. "for some reason things got awkward" the reason is that you're an ah and he doesn't ever want to speak to you again	yta. he’s not going to fuck you	yta and you most certainly overstepped. his wife only passed eight months ago, it’s no surprise that he is still wearing his wedding band. he is not “misleading” anyone and it doesn’t matter what people assume when they see the ring - what matters is that he still wants to wear it. how he feels about it is the only thing that matters.	omg. how horrible. why is this your business or bother you at all. also, he can wear for her memory. yta	yta. omg!!! yta! he is still in a relationship. he still feels married. he has only been a widower for 8 months! he does not owe anyone information about whether he is single or otherwise. the point is that he is not available. for being 32 years old, you haven't learned a lot, have you? just be quiet. you don't know what you are talking about. i am embarrassed for you.	yta. you have no right to tell someone how to represent themselves or grieve after losing their partner. you called them out on a “technicality” instead of being a compassionate person. the only one in the wrong here is you.	yta. you’re insanely rude. to the point where i can’t believe you actually don’t realize that what you said is extremely inappropriate.	yta his marital status is none of your business and he is still married technically since his wife passed away. they were married and not divorced when she died. you were grossly overstepping and being very unprofessional. i would report you to hr. what does his marital status have anything to do with your job and he wasn’t soliciting your advice. he was even polite about your very uncouth behavior. you are completely wrong. james didn’t overreact and you are lucky that you are not in front of hr explaining your hostile/inappropriate behavior.	obviously yta. james isn’t single, he’s grieving. stop telling him how to do so. his relationship status is the very definition of none of your business.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: hi. a couple of weeks ago we had a new employee hired at the company. he's a good guy and a widower named "james" (36) and to my knowledge his late wife passed away 8 months ago. me (f32) and the other coworkers got along well with him. however i noticed that he is still wearing his wedding band on his finger. it kind of confused me a bit and i couldn't help but bring it up with him while on lunch break. we talked and i pointed out that he was being misleading by still wearing his wedding band when he's a widower. he looked quite bothered by what i said but i tried to explain that i think that he was giving people the wrong idea or impression about his relationship status since he's technically single and on his own right now (don't want to sound cruel but i'm speaking from technical angle). james said that he didn't give it much thought (meaning he don't care what people think) and that even if he wasn't wearing his wedding band and some woman approached him he'd still turn them down since he's obviously not interested. for some reason things got awkward and everyone stopped eating and just stared at james and me. i told him i don't know but that really really felt generally misleading of him as in making people think he is in a relationship (married) when he is not regardless of how he felt about being in a relationship. he got upset, called me rude, and said that i repeatedly disrespected his marriage and his late wife's memory with what i said then took his stuff and walked away. my co workers said regardless of who is right or wrong (though some said he overreacted) there was no reason for me to bring this up on the first place and cause a scene and make james upset with us like that now he's not speaking to me and others who sided with me. aita? did i overstep or did he overreact? this was just a conversation we were casually having with the other co workers and i didn't use any insensitive tones or anything but we had a discussion and it suddenly turned into an argument. i tried to let things calm down but the situation got out of my hand unexpectedly.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> hi. a couple of weeks ago we had a new employee hired at the company. he's a good guy and a widower named "james" (36) and to my knowledge his late wife passed away 8 months ago. me (f32) and the other coworkers got along well with him. however i noticed that he is still wearing his wedding band on his finger. it kind of confused me a bit and i couldn't help but bring it up with him while on lunch break. we talked and i pointed out that he was being misleading by still wearing his wedding band when he's a widower. he looked quite bothered by what i said but i tried to explain that i think that he was giving people the wrong idea or impression about his relationship status since he's technically single and on his own right now (don't want to sound cruel but i'm speaking from technical angle). james said that he didn't give it much thought (meaning he don't care what people think) and that even if he wasn't wearing his wedding band and some woman approached him he'd still turn them down since he's obviously not interested. for some reason things got awkward and everyone stopped eating and just stared at james and me. i told him i don't know but that really really felt generally misleading of him as in making people think he is in a relationship (married) when he is not regardless of how he felt about being in a relationship. he got upset, called me rude, and said that i repeatedly disrespected his marriage and his late wife's memory with what i said then took his stuff and walked away. my co workers said regardless of who is right or wrong (though some said he overreacted) there was no reason for me to bring this up on the first place and cause a scene and make james upset with us like that now he's not speaking to me and others who sided with me. aita? did i overstep or did he overreact? this was just a conversation we were casually having with the other co workers and i didn't use any insensitive tones or anything but we had a discussion and it suddenly turned into an argument. i tried to let things calm down but the situation got out of my hand unexpectedly. [/INST] yta. a wedding ring isn’t a sign to others you aren’t available it’s a commitment to a person you love. his wife might be dead but if he’s not ready to move on than he’s still committed to her. your confusion about his status isn’t his concern. </s>
AITA for calling police on a neighbour after she keyed my car because of books I write	i am a single woman in my early 30s, making my living writing and self-publishing adult fiction. by adult fiction, i mean, adult fiction with majority of the ‘plot’ being steamy. i don’t typically tell people what i write but i do tell them i write books for a living under a pen name (and if you’re questioning my writing abilities, i have an editor to correct my mistakes). i am not hiding it per se but i am not telling everyone i meet what i do for a living and none of my neighbours knew, only a bunch of friends. i live in a house alone, pretty much of all my neighbours are either young families or retired couples. my next door neighbour is a young couple. we’ve been polite to each other but haven’t been close or anything. lately, the husband, let’s call him roger, became very friendly towards me which i tried to ignore but he’s been getting too flirty for my liking, and i started avoiding him. they had a bbq over the bank holiday weekend, and i was taking rubbish out to put in my bin, roger looked at me, waved ‘hi’ and whispered something to his friend and they both watched me very carefully which was incredibly creepy. on my way through my garden, i saw roger’s wife (dalia) leaving the house with her friend and they both looked at me with disgust and whispered something to each other. it was weird and i hurried back inside. the next morning, i found some religious leaflets put through my letter box. they were just printed on normal printer paper and were warning about lustful behaviour leading to hell, etc. threw them away but kept finding similar leaflets put through my letter box for the next week. since i am working from home, i decided to see who’s leaving those leaflets and to my surprise, it was dalia. i decided to confront her and ask to stop putting religious leaflets through my door. despite me being polite, she was not happy. she told me that i should rethink my life because what i write is disgusting (it’s pretty vanilla) and she found her husband reading it at night and you can imagine doing what. she kept going on and on how i am going to burn in hell, how i have no morals, etc. well, i told her to stay away from me and discuss this with her husband and i closed the door in her face. don’t know who, but someone told them what i do for a living. a day later, i found the word ‘slt’ painted on my door. a few days later, i caught her keying my car, she was almost done with the word ‘whre.’ well, i called the police on her and since i installed cameras after the ‘sl*t’ incident, she is being taken to court over keying my car. i talked to my other neighbour (she asked about the police) about it and she told me that i went overboard, that dalia was clearly insecure but she’s a lovely woman and great mother and i should have talked to her instead of calling the police and give her a chance to change her behaviour. aita for calling the police and not giving dalia a chance?	21,955	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ul1d7q/aita_for_calling_police_on_a_neighbour_after_she/	2022-05-08 13:09:15	nta - when people harass you and commit crimes against you, you call the police. absolute zero shades of grey in that.	if she’s keying your car and painting rude names on your door she is not a “lovely woman”. just because she doesn’t like what you write doesn’t give her the right to destroy your property. it appears that the behavior was escalating so getting the police involved was necessary. nta.	nta. you did talk to dalla. you did give her a chance. and she upp'ed the game to keying your car. i'd be worried that talking to her again would just get her to up her game further; to violence, or more vandalism.	nta- she’s not a lovely person, she’s an insecure freak who pushes her beliefs onto others. if she really wanted to correct this ‘behavior,’ she would have started with her husband. her reasoning for being upset has nothing to do with you and shouldn’t have led to the extreme of vandalizing your things. if anything, start sending leaflets to dalia about how wrath is a sin and will lead her to hell as well.	nta dalia committed a crime. you called the police. that was the appropriate response. she started out by gossiping about you, then by giving you leaflets. then moved on to defacing your property. her behaviour was clearly escalating. you did the right thing to protect yourself before her behaviour escalated any further. hopefully she will get help.	nta, if your neighbor wants to play big girl games she gets to win big girl prizes. don't vandalize people's property and you won't end up in court. maybe she should be more concerned about what your "pretty vanilla" books are giving her husband that she's not if it's that deep because she sounds kind of like a prude 🤷🏾‍♀️	nta. please use it as a plot to your next book. it could be a thriller with a psycho neighbour. probably dont do that, she nuts and she might think you want her sleezy husband.	nta that’s criminal damage and harassment, what you are doing is free speech, and there is no reason for her or her husband to read your work. you aren’t hurting anyone, she is.	nta- criminal acts deserve criminal consequences. i wonder what her god thinks of her actions?	nta. give her no chance. no sane person would key a person's car. especially when she blames you for her husbands actions. that's fucked up. you did the right thing calling the police.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i am a single woman in my early 30s, making my living writing and self-publishing adult fiction. by adult fiction, i mean, adult fiction with majority of the ‘plot’ being steamy. i don’t typically tell people what i write but i do tell them i write books for a living under a pen name (and if you’re questioning my writing abilities, i have an editor to correct my mistakes). i am not hiding it per se but i am not telling everyone i meet what i do for a living and none of my neighbours knew, only a bunch of friends. i live in a house alone, pretty much of all my neighbours are either young families or retired couples. my next door neighbour is a young couple. we’ve been polite to each other but haven’t been close or anything. lately, the husband, let’s call him roger, became very friendly towards me which i tried to ignore but he’s been getting too flirty for my liking, and i started avoiding him. they had a bbq over the bank holiday weekend, and i was taking rubbish out to put in my bin, roger looked at me, waved ‘hi’ and whispered something to his friend and they both watched me very carefully which was incredibly creepy. on my way through my garden, i saw roger’s wife (dalia) leaving the house with her friend and they both looked at me with disgust and whispered something to each other. it was weird and i hurried back inside. the next morning, i found some religious leaflets put through my letter box. they were just printed on normal printer paper and were warning about lustful behaviour leading to hell, etc. threw them away but kept finding similar leaflets put through my letter box for the next week. since i am working from home, i decided to see who’s leaving those leaflets and to my surprise, it was dalia. i decided to confront her and ask to stop putting religious leaflets through my door. despite me being polite, she was not happy. she told me that i should rethink my life because what i write is disgusting (it’s pretty vanilla) and she found her husband reading it at night and you can imagine doing what. she kept going on and on how i am going to burn in hell, how i have no morals, etc. well, i told her to stay away from me and discuss this with her husband and i closed the door in her face. don’t know who, but someone told them what i do for a living. a day later, i found the word ‘slt’ painted on my door. a few days later, i caught her keying my car, she was almost done with the word ‘whre.’ well, i called the police on her and since i installed cameras after the ‘sl*t’ incident, she is being taken to court over keying my car. i talked to my other neighbour (she asked about the police) about it and she told me that i went overboard, that dalia was clearly insecure but she’s a lovely woman and great mother and i should have talked to her instead of calling the police and give her a chance to change her behaviour. aita for calling the police and not giving dalia a chance?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i am a single woman in my early 30s, making my living writing and self-publishing adult fiction. by adult fiction, i mean, adult fiction with majority of the ‘plot’ being steamy. i don’t typically tell people what i write but i do tell them i write books for a living under a pen name (and if you’re questioning my writing abilities, i have an editor to correct my mistakes). i am not hiding it per se but i am not telling everyone i meet what i do for a living and none of my neighbours knew, only a bunch of friends. i live in a house alone, pretty much of all my neighbours are either young families or retired couples. my next door neighbour is a young couple. we’ve been polite to each other but haven’t been close or anything. lately, the husband, let’s call him roger, became very friendly towards me which i tried to ignore but he’s been getting too flirty for my liking, and i started avoiding him. they had a bbq over the bank holiday weekend, and i was taking rubbish out to put in my bin, roger looked at me, waved ‘hi’ and whispered something to his friend and they both watched me very carefully which was incredibly creepy. on my way through my garden, i saw roger’s wife (dalia) leaving the house with her friend and they both looked at me with disgust and whispered something to each other. it was weird and i hurried back inside. the next morning, i found some religious leaflets put through my letter box. they were just printed on normal printer paper and were warning about lustful behaviour leading to hell, etc. threw them away but kept finding similar leaflets put through my letter box for the next week. since i am working from home, i decided to see who’s leaving those leaflets and to my surprise, it was dalia. i decided to confront her and ask to stop putting religious leaflets through my door. despite me being polite, she was not happy. she told me that i should rethink my life because what i write is disgusting (it’s pretty vanilla) and she found her husband reading it at night and you can imagine doing what. she kept going on and on how i am going to burn in hell, how i have no morals, etc. well, i told her to stay away from me and discuss this with her husband and i closed the door in her face. don’t know who, but someone told them what i do for a living. a day later, i found the word ‘slt’ painted on my door. a few days later, i caught her keying my car, she was almost done with the word ‘whre.’ well, i called the police on her and since i installed cameras after the ‘sl*t’ incident, she is being taken to court over keying my car. i talked to my other neighbour (she asked about the police) about it and she told me that i went overboard, that dalia was clearly insecure but she’s a lovely woman and great mother and i should have talked to her instead of calling the police and give her a chance to change her behaviour. aita for calling the police and not giving dalia a chance? [/INST] nta - when people harass you and commit crimes against you, you call the police. absolute zero shades of grey in that. </s>
AITA for telling my son about why his mom and I aren't together	my son just turned 10. his mom and i broke up when he was 2. we never married. the deal was that, for us, instant physical attraction carried the relationship entirely. we basically went from her " you're really cute" me:" god damn, you're pretty" to having a kid very quickly. we tried to flesh out the relationship after he was born. it caused a lot of arguments and we figured out that we were just too different of people. we share custody and the only times i'm ever really around her for what i'd call an extended period of time, is when we're doing something for christmas or his birthday, things like that. the way i parent, i'm very honest with him. i don't see much of a reason to give him a bunch of word salad answers to questions. last week, he asked what happened between his mom and i. i told him that, his mom is one of those people where if she's not choreographing and directing everything around her, she's not happy. i told him i just felt like i was losing myself the more i was around her. i thought it was a pretty tame answer. i didn't rant, rave, cuss up a storm, or anything. i also assumed he'd keep it between us. last night, i get a phone call from my ex telling me that, in the heat of an argument with her about cleaning up his room, he'd let it fly about what i said. she said i should've passed on the question, then told her he asked it, so that we could be on the same page. my point to her was, i don't believe i said anything toxic or outlandish. she had me talk to him and i told him to apologize to her & pick up his room. aita?	5,829	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w2hcq1/aita_for_telling_my_son_about_why_his_mom_and_i/	2022-07-19 02:31:16	yta - you took a shit on your ex rather than saying "it just didn't work out, that happens sometimes". granted, it was a mild shit, but not really appropriate to tell a 10 year old &#x200b; (thanks for the award!)	in the beginning of your post, you tell us that it didn't work out with your son's mom because you figured out that you were too different people. when your son asked you, the reason you gave put the blame solely on your wife for being too controlling. why didn't your son get the version about you being incompatible for mutual reasons? edit to add judgment since op responded: yta	yta. a simple "we weren't compatible and discovered we are better parents for you when we aren't together" would have sufficed. kids don't need to know the ugly details; that's information for grown-ups only.	“your mom and i had a lot of chemistry at first but later realized our personalities and lifestyles weren’t compatible, and we were happier people and better parents once we weren’t together.” fixed that for you to a version that’s not word salad, not placing blame, and appropriate for a 10yo. your answer was - at best - more fitting for an adult, and if you’re going to be “very honest” with him about the shortcomings of his mom, try doing the same with him about your own shortcomings. yta.	yta wow. you realize your kid is not an adult, right? and you’re talking about an adult relationship with him, something he’s not going to really understand, and you put all the blame on his mom. you could’ve just said, we weren’t good for each other, and left it at that, but she’s not happy unless she’s directing everything around her? how did you think that wasn’t going to backfire? you pretty much gave him ammunition for any argument he had with her trying to discipline him. i can just hear it. “dad was right, you can’t be happy unless you’re directing people.” really, there’s a reason why “word salad answers” exist and it’s to avoid these situations.	[deleted]	yta - my first husband and the biodad of my oldest child was an abusive alcoholic who put me and our 2 year old son out on the street when he got bored of me. he had severe ptsd from military deployment and was not capable of parenting. when my kid would ask me why we weren't together or why his dad didn't want to see him my answer was always the same. it just didn't work out between us, that happens sometimes. and he realized he might not be a very good daddy full time so he just visits now and then. it's okay, he still loves you, he's just sick a lot. no need to say anything more about the other parent. eventually i remarried, he signed off his parental rights and my husband adopted and raised my oldest. but i didn't tell my son the full story until he was 17 and asked for the full truth.	yta you blamed her entirely, you tell us that you were too different and physical attraction carried your relationship but you tell your son that his mother is controlling and you lost yourself? that's a terrible thing to tell a child and you could have said a million things that were still accurate and didn't put her in the hot seat.	yta there were many ways you could have said this e.g. "she's a type a personality, i'm a type b" or "the way we approach life was just too different" or "we had different priorities" all say basically the same thing. why didn't you save yourself some time and just say "you're mother's a control freak"? you don't badmouth the other parent. that is a basic. otherwise you end up with situations like this.	yta this is what you told your son >his mom is one of those people where if she's not choreographing and directing everything around her, she's not happy. i told him i just felt like i was losing myself the more i was around her. this is what you should have told your son: >the deal was that, for us, instant physical attraction carried the relationship entirely. we basically went from >her " you're really cute" >me:" god damn, you're pretty" >to having a kid very quickly. we tried to flesh out the relationship after he was born. it caused a lot of arguments and we figured out that we were just too different of people.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my son just turned 10. his mom and i broke up when he was 2. we never married. the deal was that, for us, instant physical attraction carried the relationship entirely. we basically went from her " you're really cute" me:" god damn, you're pretty" to having a kid very quickly. we tried to flesh out the relationship after he was born. it caused a lot of arguments and we figured out that we were just too different of people. we share custody and the only times i'm ever really around her for what i'd call an extended period of time, is when we're doing something for christmas or his birthday, things like that. the way i parent, i'm very honest with him. i don't see much of a reason to give him a bunch of word salad answers to questions. last week, he asked what happened between his mom and i. i told him that, his mom is one of those people where if she's not choreographing and directing everything around her, she's not happy. i told him i just felt like i was losing myself the more i was around her. i thought it was a pretty tame answer. i didn't rant, rave, cuss up a storm, or anything. i also assumed he'd keep it between us. last night, i get a phone call from my ex telling me that, in the heat of an argument with her about cleaning up his room, he'd let it fly about what i said. she said i should've passed on the question, then told her he asked it, so that we could be on the same page. my point to her was, i don't believe i said anything toxic or outlandish. she had me talk to him and i told him to apologize to her & pick up his room. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my son just turned 10. his mom and i broke up when he was 2. we never married. the deal was that, for us, instant physical attraction carried the relationship entirely. we basically went from her " you're really cute" me:" god damn, you're pretty" to having a kid very quickly. we tried to flesh out the relationship after he was born. it caused a lot of arguments and we figured out that we were just too different of people. we share custody and the only times i'm ever really around her for what i'd call an extended period of time, is when we're doing something for christmas or his birthday, things like that. the way i parent, i'm very honest with him. i don't see much of a reason to give him a bunch of word salad answers to questions. last week, he asked what happened between his mom and i. i told him that, his mom is one of those people where if she's not choreographing and directing everything around her, she's not happy. i told him i just felt like i was losing myself the more i was around her. i thought it was a pretty tame answer. i didn't rant, rave, cuss up a storm, or anything. i also assumed he'd keep it between us. last night, i get a phone call from my ex telling me that, in the heat of an argument with her about cleaning up his room, he'd let it fly about what i said. she said i should've passed on the question, then told her he asked it, so that we could be on the same page. my point to her was, i don't believe i said anything toxic or outlandish. she had me talk to him and i told him to apologize to her & pick up his room. aita? [/INST] yta - you took a shit on your ex rather than saying "it just didn't work out, that happens sometimes". granted, it was a mild shit, but not really appropriate to tell a 10 year old &#x200b; (thanks for the award!) </s>
AITA for asking a 47 year old man who is dating my 22 year old niece some pointed questions that made him “uncomfortable”?	using a throwaway. some context; i live in ca, and my wife’s niece wanted to come visit us for a few weeks. she’s 22, i’ve known her since she was 4. her dad walked out on her family when she was 8. she’s very sheltered by her mother. anyway, i told my wife it was fine with me if she visits. she’s a good kid, and our 5 year old son loves his cousin and really wanted to see her. but then my wife goes, “and she (the niece) wants to bring her bf.....he’s 47.” i’m 41, my wife is 42. i was like “you’re kidding, right?” she wasn’t kidding. at first, i was like “hell no.” but after about a week of talking, i gave in....with one caveat. i told my wife that if this dude is staying in our house, i’m going to ask some questions he might not like. she wanted to know what kind of questions, and i gave her some. 1. how did you guys meet and who made the first move? (if the dude made the first move, it’s weird). 2. has the dude been married, does he have kids? 3. why are you (the dude) dating such a young woman? 4. are you (the dude) aware of the young woman’s history with her father? 5. what’s the end game here? a serious relationship, marriage? have you (the dude) discussed what will happen if the young woman gets pregnant? i know, i’m not the girl’s father, but no one else in her family is asking these questions. her mother is fine with the relationship (which boggles my mind). so, fast forward to the visit. niece and old dude show up. i’m cordial. i wait till evening, after everything is settled and dinner is over, and i invite the dude to join me on the porch for a beer. just me and him. then i start asking my questions. after only my second question, the guy starts getting defensive. he told me this is “none of my business.” i got a little pissed at that. i told him he’s staying in my home for a week, i can ask him a few questions. and the girl is my niece, i’m not out of bounds here. he told me i was making him “uncomfortable”. i replied that i’m uncomfortable having a dude who’s clearly taking advantage of a young girl stay in my home. i said you can answer my questions and act like you’re a stand-up guy, or feel free to hit the fucking road. well, he left. my wife and niece were upset with me. they said i acted like a jerk and that if my niece is happy, to let it go. again, i was told it’s none of my business. they have since broken up, which i am glad about. not sure if my actions were the cause. so am i an asshole for questioning this guy?	26,263	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dpppvj/aita_for_asking_a_47_year_old_man_who_is_dating/	2019-10-31 16:09:21	nta — yes, she’s an adult, yes she can do what she wants. but she clearly has daddy issues and the guy’s taking advantage of that vulnerability. with an age gap like this, it’s hard for there not to be a power imbalance, which can be hard to see for someone at 22 with little experience with relationships and adult life, as it’s all pretty new. asking some pointed questions while the man was staying in your house seems fair enough to me, as long as you weren’t being too accusatory. that he quickly became defensive may be telling.	nta, a 25 year age gap seems a bit weird anyway, and the fact he got 'uncomfortable' being asked simple questions about the relationship makes it seem like he was taking advantage of your niece and didn't like being called out on it	>her dad walked out on her family when she was 8. # >[now] she’s 22 # >her bf.....he’s 47. 🤔💡	[removed]	nta the fact he got defensive is a red flag. it's not a huge deal to have an age gap as it's becoming more prominent. however, i can understand where he may have become uncomfortable. but in the past my bf's have been questioned. and i've been questioned about my intentions with someone's son, aswell. i personally feel it's just something you become accustomed to when you start dating. (not every family does this. but a vast majority of people go though this phase with their so family)	[removed]	yta. not because i think your assessment is wrong, or because i wouldn't have the same questions, but because you should have talked to the niece about it first. acting like you were cool with having him stay and then springing an interrogation on someone she invited, without letting her know that was a condition of him being a guest in your home, was unnecessarily rude, and i'm sure it embarrassed the hell out of her. i totally support you pushing back on this relationship, but she is an adult, if a young one, and she deserved to be treated like an active agent in this situation. ** edited to add that i would have said "everyone sucks here" if the only people in the consideration were you and creepy boyfriend, but i didn't want to loop the niece and wife into it.	yta, but i would probably do the same thing	nta. odds are in your favor that he's there for the wrong reasons. you would be justified in having questions and given the circumstance, you were justified for asking them. they agreed to let you do it, and a 47 year old man should be able to answer them without getting uncomfortable. further, your questions are totally reasonable in even a normal relationship.	nta. you did your job as a male relative. "either answer the questions like a stand up guy or hit the fucking road" he chose the road so that's on him.	NTA	NTA	null	null	NTA	null	YTA	YTA	NTA	NTA	0.295023	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: using a throwaway. some context; i live in ca, and my wife’s niece wanted to come visit us for a few weeks. she’s 22, i’ve known her since she was 4. her dad walked out on her family when she was 8. she’s very sheltered by her mother. anyway, i told my wife it was fine with me if she visits. she’s a good kid, and our 5 year old son loves his cousin and really wanted to see her. but then my wife goes, “and she (the niece) wants to bring her bf.....he’s 47.” i’m 41, my wife is 42. i was like “you’re kidding, right?” she wasn’t kidding. at first, i was like “hell no.” but after about a week of talking, i gave in....with one caveat. i told my wife that if this dude is staying in our house, i’m going to ask some questions he might not like. she wanted to know what kind of questions, and i gave her some. 1. how did you guys meet and who made the first move? (if the dude made the first move, it’s weird). 2. has the dude been married, does he have kids? 3. why are you (the dude) dating such a young woman? 4. are you (the dude) aware of the young woman’s history with her father? 5. what’s the end game here? a serious relationship, marriage? have you (the dude) discussed what will happen if the young woman gets pregnant? i know, i’m not the girl’s father, but no one else in her family is asking these questions. her mother is fine with the relationship (which boggles my mind). so, fast forward to the visit. niece and old dude show up. i’m cordial. i wait till evening, after everything is settled and dinner is over, and i invite the dude to join me on the porch for a beer. just me and him. then i start asking my questions. after only my second question, the guy starts getting defensive. he told me this is “none of my business.” i got a little pissed at that. i told him he’s staying in my home for a week, i can ask him a few questions. and the girl is my niece, i’m not out of bounds here. he told me i was making him “uncomfortable”. i replied that i’m uncomfortable having a dude who’s clearly taking advantage of a young girl stay in my home. i said you can answer my questions and act like you’re a stand-up guy, or feel free to hit the fucking road. well, he left. my wife and niece were upset with me. they said i acted like a jerk and that if my niece is happy, to let it go. again, i was told it’s none of my business. they have since broken up, which i am glad about. not sure if my actions were the cause. so am i an asshole for questioning this guy?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> using a throwaway. some context; i live in ca, and my wife’s niece wanted to come visit us for a few weeks. she’s 22, i’ve known her since she was 4. her dad walked out on her family when she was 8. she’s very sheltered by her mother. anyway, i told my wife it was fine with me if she visits. she’s a good kid, and our 5 year old son loves his cousin and really wanted to see her. but then my wife goes, “and she (the niece) wants to bring her bf.....he’s 47.” i’m 41, my wife is 42. i was like “you’re kidding, right?” she wasn’t kidding. at first, i was like “hell no.” but after about a week of talking, i gave in....with one caveat. i told my wife that if this dude is staying in our house, i’m going to ask some questions he might not like. she wanted to know what kind of questions, and i gave her some. 1. how did you guys meet and who made the first move? (if the dude made the first move, it’s weird). 2. has the dude been married, does he have kids? 3. why are you (the dude) dating such a young woman? 4. are you (the dude) aware of the young woman’s history with her father? 5. what’s the end game here? a serious relationship, marriage? have you (the dude) discussed what will happen if the young woman gets pregnant? i know, i’m not the girl’s father, but no one else in her family is asking these questions. her mother is fine with the relationship (which boggles my mind). so, fast forward to the visit. niece and old dude show up. i’m cordial. i wait till evening, after everything is settled and dinner is over, and i invite the dude to join me on the porch for a beer. just me and him. then i start asking my questions. after only my second question, the guy starts getting defensive. he told me this is “none of my business.” i got a little pissed at that. i told him he’s staying in my home for a week, i can ask him a few questions. and the girl is my niece, i’m not out of bounds here. he told me i was making him “uncomfortable”. i replied that i’m uncomfortable having a dude who’s clearly taking advantage of a young girl stay in my home. i said you can answer my questions and act like you’re a stand-up guy, or feel free to hit the fucking road. well, he left. my wife and niece were upset with me. they said i acted like a jerk and that if my niece is happy, to let it go. again, i was told it’s none of my business. they have since broken up, which i am glad about. not sure if my actions were the cause. so am i an asshole for questioning this guy? [/INST] nta — yes, she’s an adult, yes she can do what she wants. but she clearly has daddy issues and the guy’s taking advantage of that vulnerability. with an age gap like this, it’s hard for there not to be a power imbalance, which can be hard to see for someone at 22 with little experience with relationships and adult life, as it’s all pretty new. asking some pointed questions while the man was staying in your house seems fair enough to me, as long as you weren’t being too accusatory. that he quickly became defensive may be telling. </s>
AITA for calling the Police on my fiancé?	my fiance (28m) and i (30f) have been together for 3 years, i used to live close to work and used public transportation but after i moved in to his house which is hours away from work i bought myself a car since i'm a nurse and also since there isn't any hospitals close to where we live that i could transfer to. my fiance's car hasn't been working for close to 2 months now, it requires so much money to get it fixed and he refused my fiancial help when i offered it. instead, he would ask to use my car every now and then and i agreed as long as it's when i'm not working and also, since he only uses it for trips to the supermarket etc. on new years eve, he told me he wanted to use my car to go hang out with his friends and celebrate but i declined because i had to cover a night shift and needed my car to travel to work. he insisted and even suggested i take the night off or swap shifts with another nurse but i couldn't do that last minute. i thought he dropped it then but when i went into the shower and got out i couldn't find him nor my car, i freaked out and started calling for half an hour but he didn't answer me, i tried again til one of his friends picked up, i demanded he give the phone to my fiance but he said they were out and confirmed that he took my car and told me that my fiance said that it's better that i skip my shift and he'll be back with my car later. i couldn't take it i felt so enraged i had my fiance on the phone telling him i did not consent for him to take my car to go hang out with friends and said i'd call the police to get it back if he refused to come back with it, but he didn't take me seriously so i ended up calling the police and he and his friends were picked up at the bar where they were hanging out, then were taken to the police department. i got my car from there and still went to my shift, my fiance was let go hours after i left and he blew up my phone with missed calls and texts about how i was out of my mind to call the police on him and put him in this situation. i did not respond but when i got off work the next day we got into an argument and he said he couldn't believe i'd do this to him but i told him he made me do this to which he responded that i was petty and callous because not only did i ruin his new years celebration, but all his friends aren't speaking to him after i put them in this situation as well and he then kept giving me silence about it. i did consider this a form of theft especially since he went behind my back after getting a "no" from me, but he was shocked that i'd even imply that he was a thief and said what's yours is mine and vice versa so i shouldn't be using the terms "theft and stealing".	27,863	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rv11ws/aita_for_calling_the_police_on_my_fiancé/	2022-01-03 12:52:16	nta. girl why are you with a man who cannot take care of his own basic needs and insists that you call off work so he can go party? he is using you and you can do way better. do not offer financial help to people like this either. he has money to go out with his friends then he has money for a car. eta his friends put themselves in to this situation by getting in to a stolen car. do you really think they weren’t all sitting around laughing at you before this happened?	um. he got you to move far away from public transport and work opportunities into his house, refuses to fix his car so there is now only 1 between you, didn't listen to your no, took your car without permission, endangered your job by forcing you to miss nye shift when there is no way you could get cover, yelled at you when he was in the wrong, didn't defend you to his friends, is now giving you the silent treatment. no you are nta, but your boyfriend is giving off some warning signs that you should look at very closely before marrying him.	nta - please leave him. he’s a thief that belittles your job if he thinks you can call out as a nurse just do he can go out with his friends. what about his friends? don’t they have cars? ps - thank you for being a nurse!	[removed]	this is actually wild. good on you for calling the police. the utter disrespect that man has for you and your career is appalling.	'yours and mine' my ass. that was your car and you needed it for work. he stole it and he knows it. fuck him. nta.	nta!!! not even a little bit. you moved to where he was even though it meant a massive commute for you, for what? his convenience? you let him use your car instead of getting his fixed because he couldn't man up and accept help? how dare you. now this little shit steals your car like a teenager who doesn't understand how being employed works to go out for a rip with his buds?? and tells you "don't worry man, just like, don't go" ????????	nta he does know that hospital staff are front line workers and need to go when the hospitals demand them to. you need to dump him as hes got no respect for you or your work	nta and i can't believe he did this to you. you clearly said no. he broke your boundaries. why is he even driving on nye anyway, he should be ubering or if he's dd then he should be driving his friend's car.	nta, he stole your car. he’s still your fiancé?	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my fiance (28m) and i (30f) have been together for 3 years, i used to live close to work and used public transportation but after i moved in to his house which is hours away from work i bought myself a car since i'm a nurse and also since there isn't any hospitals close to where we live that i could transfer to. my fiance's car hasn't been working for close to 2 months now, it requires so much money to get it fixed and he refused my fiancial help when i offered it. instead, he would ask to use my car every now and then and i agreed as long as it's when i'm not working and also, since he only uses it for trips to the supermarket etc. on new years eve, he told me he wanted to use my car to go hang out with his friends and celebrate but i declined because i had to cover a night shift and needed my car to travel to work. he insisted and even suggested i take the night off or swap shifts with another nurse but i couldn't do that last minute. i thought he dropped it then but when i went into the shower and got out i couldn't find him nor my car, i freaked out and started calling for half an hour but he didn't answer me, i tried again til one of his friends picked up, i demanded he give the phone to my fiance but he said they were out and confirmed that he took my car and told me that my fiance said that it's better that i skip my shift and he'll be back with my car later. i couldn't take it i felt so enraged i had my fiance on the phone telling him i did not consent for him to take my car to go hang out with friends and said i'd call the police to get it back if he refused to come back with it, but he didn't take me seriously so i ended up calling the police and he and his friends were picked up at the bar where they were hanging out, then were taken to the police department. i got my car from there and still went to my shift, my fiance was let go hours after i left and he blew up my phone with missed calls and texts about how i was out of my mind to call the police on him and put him in this situation. i did not respond but when i got off work the next day we got into an argument and he said he couldn't believe i'd do this to him but i told him he made me do this to which he responded that i was petty and callous because not only did i ruin his new years celebration, but all his friends aren't speaking to him after i put them in this situation as well and he then kept giving me silence about it. i did consider this a form of theft especially since he went behind my back after getting a "no" from me, but he was shocked that i'd even imply that he was a thief and said what's yours is mine and vice versa so i shouldn't be using the terms "theft and stealing".	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my fiance (28m) and i (30f) have been together for 3 years, i used to live close to work and used public transportation but after i moved in to his house which is hours away from work i bought myself a car since i'm a nurse and also since there isn't any hospitals close to where we live that i could transfer to. my fiance's car hasn't been working for close to 2 months now, it requires so much money to get it fixed and he refused my fiancial help when i offered it. instead, he would ask to use my car every now and then and i agreed as long as it's when i'm not working and also, since he only uses it for trips to the supermarket etc. on new years eve, he told me he wanted to use my car to go hang out with his friends and celebrate but i declined because i had to cover a night shift and needed my car to travel to work. he insisted and even suggested i take the night off or swap shifts with another nurse but i couldn't do that last minute. i thought he dropped it then but when i went into the shower and got out i couldn't find him nor my car, i freaked out and started calling for half an hour but he didn't answer me, i tried again til one of his friends picked up, i demanded he give the phone to my fiance but he said they were out and confirmed that he took my car and told me that my fiance said that it's better that i skip my shift and he'll be back with my car later. i couldn't take it i felt so enraged i had my fiance on the phone telling him i did not consent for him to take my car to go hang out with friends and said i'd call the police to get it back if he refused to come back with it, but he didn't take me seriously so i ended up calling the police and he and his friends were picked up at the bar where they were hanging out, then were taken to the police department. i got my car from there and still went to my shift, my fiance was let go hours after i left and he blew up my phone with missed calls and texts about how i was out of my mind to call the police on him and put him in this situation. i did not respond but when i got off work the next day we got into an argument and he said he couldn't believe i'd do this to him but i told him he made me do this to which he responded that i was petty and callous because not only did i ruin his new years celebration, but all his friends aren't speaking to him after i put them in this situation as well and he then kept giving me silence about it. i did consider this a form of theft especially since he went behind my back after getting a "no" from me, but he was shocked that i'd even imply that he was a thief and said what's yours is mine and vice versa so i shouldn't be using the terms "theft and stealing". [/INST] nta. girl why are you with a man who cannot take care of his own basic needs and insists that you call off work so he can go party? he is using you and you can do way better. do not offer financial help to people like this either. he has money to go out with his friends then he has money for a car. eta his friends put themselves in to this situation by getting in to a stolen car. do you really think they weren’t all sitting around laughing at you before this happened? </s>
AITA for calling my dad's girlfriend 'his mistress'?	my mom died of brain aneurysm 2 years ago. she was 39 at the time. she and dad (ben 42m) were no longer together before she died because dad had an affair with his work colleague (amanda 37f). they were getting a divorce but mom died before it was finalized. i was 18 when mom died and to be honest i resented my dad because of the heartache he caused my mother and i blamed him for her death. after mom's funeral i refused to talk to him until recently he contacted me and we started to reconnect. he and amanda are still together and i have started to accept their relationship because i saw how happy my father is with her. last month dad informed me that he and amanda had gotten engaged and he wanted to let me know first before he shares the news to everyone. i told him i am happy for them. last week they had an engagement party where they invited some of our relatives and friends. during the toast dad said something like "i just can't wait to marry the perfect woman. i thank god for giving me the love of my life after all those years that i wasted with someone else." i walked out of the room after hearing what my father said. he basically considered his marriage to my late mother a 'waste of his time'. it broke my heart and i wanted to leave right away but dad's friend (my godfather) and amanda followed me. amanda said that dad wants me to give a message but i told her i can't do that and i need to go as i feel sick. my godfather tried to convince me to stay and say a few words, i got tired of holding my anger in and i just said " i have no good words to say about my cheating father and his mistress. i need to go." amanda got angry with me and called me an asshole and i need to get over the past. i didn't even say anything and just left them behind. i was with my boyfriend who picked me up when dad called and he was very furious with me. apparently what i said made amanda cry and he's now demanding an apology. he also accused me of ruining his engagement party. i told him i could have made a scene but i didn't and there is no way i am apologizing for stating facts. aita? did i overreact and ruined their party? my boyfriend said he understands how i feel but my grandparents (dad's side) are disappointed with me for overreacting and calling amanda a mistress.	19,547	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ptruh2/aita_for_calling_my_dads_girlfriend_his_mistress/	2021-09-23 09:55:33	nta - what he said was disgusting.	your father stood up and announced to a room full of people that his first marriage--and by extension, you (a product of that marriage)--was a 'waste of time.' where is his apology for you? nta.	"dad, i wouldn't have done that, and was prepared to give a nice speech, until i heard you say you wasted your life with mom, which means having me was a waste too. that's your truth and you own it now. you did cheat and she was your mistress. i was truthful too." rinse and repeat for grandma and grandpa. nta.	he said out loud that he wasted his life with your dead mother that he cheated on? oh my goodness! somebody owes somebody an apology and it’s not op. nta	nta. you tried to leave when your dad made his tactless speech and people tried to stop you and force you to play happy families. i’m sorry for your loss and i hope you have more insightful family members who can support you.	nta, your cheating father referred to his first marriage, of which you are a product as a waste of his time. you reacted better than i would have.	nta - your dad speaking ill of the dead while their daughter was attending makes him a huge ah. maybe you said some things you shouldn’t have said in anger, but otherwise you have been completely respectful of their relationship and in no way ‘ruined’ their party.	nta he owes you a huge apology for including that comment about your mom. so much for him moving on apparently. that was just a dig at you and i understand why you would have felt so hurt. you tried to leave quietly and others kept pushing you to stay and say a few things. i think you should have said something.... "thanks for that dad, apparently i must have been a waste too". that's how i would feel if i heard those words. i think going back to no contact would be a good thing. we are not required to set ourselves on fire to keep other people warm. your "dad" is a narcissistic pig and truth he told.... she is his mistress. he cheated on your mom, the "other woman" is a mistress. that doesn't stop just because of a death or divorce or even an engagement. i wish them many years of wedded misery. once a cheater always a cheater.	nta but info: does your dad's side of the family not know that your dad had an affair with amanda while married to your mom? because i don't get how they are disappointed with you calling amanda a mistress? also, i have no clue why they wanted you to speak after your dad insulted your mom, like what??? amost sounds like you were set-up and your dad just wanted to be cruel and hurtful to you	nta. let's be clear here. he married your mother and had you. while married, your dad had an affair with amanda. then, during the engagement party he replied with: >"i just can't wait to marry the perfect woman. i thank god for giving me the love of my life after all those years that i wasted with someone else." for him to say that shows a concerning lack of emotional intelligence and maturity, as well as him having an issue when his fiancee and your godfather needled you after you tried to leave. you're so nta here and i wonder if it's worth going nc with dad until he understands just how badly he screwed up. or that he has (per a scene in harry potter: order of the phoenix) more than the emotional range of a teaspoon. &#x200b;	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my mom died of brain aneurysm 2 years ago. she was 39 at the time. she and dad (ben 42m) were no longer together before she died because dad had an affair with his work colleague (amanda 37f). they were getting a divorce but mom died before it was finalized. i was 18 when mom died and to be honest i resented my dad because of the heartache he caused my mother and i blamed him for her death. after mom's funeral i refused to talk to him until recently he contacted me and we started to reconnect. he and amanda are still together and i have started to accept their relationship because i saw how happy my father is with her. last month dad informed me that he and amanda had gotten engaged and he wanted to let me know first before he shares the news to everyone. i told him i am happy for them. last week they had an engagement party where they invited some of our relatives and friends. during the toast dad said something like "i just can't wait to marry the perfect woman. i thank god for giving me the love of my life after all those years that i wasted with someone else." i walked out of the room after hearing what my father said. he basically considered his marriage to my late mother a 'waste of his time'. it broke my heart and i wanted to leave right away but dad's friend (my godfather) and amanda followed me. amanda said that dad wants me to give a message but i told her i can't do that and i need to go as i feel sick. my godfather tried to convince me to stay and say a few words, i got tired of holding my anger in and i just said " i have no good words to say about my cheating father and his mistress. i need to go." amanda got angry with me and called me an asshole and i need to get over the past. i didn't even say anything and just left them behind. i was with my boyfriend who picked me up when dad called and he was very furious with me. apparently what i said made amanda cry and he's now demanding an apology. he also accused me of ruining his engagement party. i told him i could have made a scene but i didn't and there is no way i am apologizing for stating facts. aita? did i overreact and ruined their party? my boyfriend said he understands how i feel but my grandparents (dad's side) are disappointed with me for overreacting and calling amanda a mistress.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my mom died of brain aneurysm 2 years ago. she was 39 at the time. she and dad (ben 42m) were no longer together before she died because dad had an affair with his work colleague (amanda 37f). they were getting a divorce but mom died before it was finalized. i was 18 when mom died and to be honest i resented my dad because of the heartache he caused my mother and i blamed him for her death. after mom's funeral i refused to talk to him until recently he contacted me and we started to reconnect. he and amanda are still together and i have started to accept their relationship because i saw how happy my father is with her. last month dad informed me that he and amanda had gotten engaged and he wanted to let me know first before he shares the news to everyone. i told him i am happy for them. last week they had an engagement party where they invited some of our relatives and friends. during the toast dad said something like "i just can't wait to marry the perfect woman. i thank god for giving me the love of my life after all those years that i wasted with someone else." i walked out of the room after hearing what my father said. he basically considered his marriage to my late mother a 'waste of his time'. it broke my heart and i wanted to leave right away but dad's friend (my godfather) and amanda followed me. amanda said that dad wants me to give a message but i told her i can't do that and i need to go as i feel sick. my godfather tried to convince me to stay and say a few words, i got tired of holding my anger in and i just said " i have no good words to say about my cheating father and his mistress. i need to go." amanda got angry with me and called me an asshole and i need to get over the past. i didn't even say anything and just left them behind. i was with my boyfriend who picked me up when dad called and he was very furious with me. apparently what i said made amanda cry and he's now demanding an apology. he also accused me of ruining his engagement party. i told him i could have made a scene but i didn't and there is no way i am apologizing for stating facts. aita? did i overreact and ruined their party? my boyfriend said he understands how i feel but my grandparents (dad's side) are disappointed with me for overreacting and calling amanda a mistress. [/INST] nta - what he said was disgusting. </s>
AITA for telling my BF that his daughter can't have her own room in our house?	so my boyfriend (30m) and i (24f) have been together for two years, and we just bought our first house together. we move in at the end of the month. my boyfriend has a four year old daughter "kate" from a previous relationship. i love kate with all my heart. she lives with my bf's ex, and comes to visit us for short stays and sleepovers, more often in the summer time. our new house is about a 30 minute drive from kate's mom's house. it has three bedrooms: a master bedroom and two smaller bedrooms. we are converting one of the rooms to be an office for my bf and me to work from. that leaves just one spare bedroom. kate was really nervous about us moving so far away, and my bf has reassured her that she will still get to visit all the time - and she will have her own bedroom waiting for her whenever she wants. my issue with this is that i don't want kate to treat the only spare bedroom as her personal bedroom. rather, i want it to be thought of as a "guest" bedroom. of course kate can stay there whenever she wants to. this isn't part of the debate, i want her to feel welcome all the time. but i don't want it to be only her room. i don't want it to be filled with her toys and clothes, so nobody else feels comfortable to sleep in there. i don't think it's fair that a room is reserved for someone who is not there 90% of the time. in addition, my bf and i are planning to have a child of our own, and i want to make sure that when that happens, we will have space for them to live. i can only imagine the circus in a few years if we have to tell kate we are taking away her room to give to her new sibling. that's why i want to set expectations now - that kate is always welcome, but she will be welcome as a "guest." my boyfriend thinks i'm being unreasonable, that kate needs her own room for stability, especially as she feels we are moving away from her. he says we can keep a pull-out sofa in our office for guests to stay on, and call the spare room "kate's room." i still don't think it's fair to have a room just for kate when she won't use it very often. and i think it's reasonable to be worried at the prospect of eventually giving kate's room away to a future child.	10,372	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pgk8l7/aita_for_telling_my_bf_that_his_daughter_cant/	2021-09-02 15:32:24	yta. you are not ready for this relationship. his daughter is not a guest, she's a part of his life. and by acting the way you are, you are not making her feel welcome. 🤦‍♀️	yta she is a member of the family and deserves her own space. and how did you not have this conversation before buying the house? isn't how many rooms & what they'll be used for one of the first things discussed before looking at homes to buy?	yta she is a child. a 4 year old. and you want to make sure she knows that isn’t her room. marinate on that. you want to make sure a four year old isn’t too comfortable or at home in her dads home. if i were him i’d leave you.	yta. she's not a guest, she's his daughter. my stepson lives 4 hours away and we get him on school breaks and during the summer, the rest of the time his room is closed off (so the cats can't wreak havoc). it's not wasted space, it's his room, and when he comes back he knows his nerf guns and video games and other toys are safely awaiting him in his room. you say you want her to feel welcome, but how is she supposed to feel that when she's not even worthy of having her own space? shit like this is why stepparents get such a bad rep.	yta. i am not surprised that you didn’t discuss this beforehand because it would be obvious to anyone with a heart that a four year old is not a guest in her father’s house. it is her other home. of course she gets a room there. seriously, you should go apologize profusely to your boyfriend and his daughter, if you have already spoken to her about this.	>that's why i want to set expectations now - that kate is always welcome, but she will be welcome as a "guest." okay evil stepmother. tell us more about how your hypothetical future child's sibling is not part of your family.	>i love kate with all my heart. >in addition, my bf and i are planning to have a child of our own, and i want to make sure that when that happens, we will have space for them to live. you do not love kate with all your heart. you love the idea of reproducing and are using kate as a stand in. she is not a guest, she is his first child, she should have a room, and you sound awful. yta.	yta. her dad's home is her home. she should have her own room and her own space. you want her to feel safe and comfortable, not like a guest. daughter trumps guests.	yta but how did this never come up when you were looking at houses??? you found a place with 3 rooms for a reason, was he just assuming the 3rd was for his kid and that never occurred to you? what was your living situation before this? did she have a room there? are you taking it away?	yta yta, and your bf is ta for being with you. the kid was here first. and frankly your bf sucks for being with someone who thinks of his daughter as an interloper.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so my boyfriend (30m) and i (24f) have been together for two years, and we just bought our first house together. we move in at the end of the month. my boyfriend has a four year old daughter "kate" from a previous relationship. i love kate with all my heart. she lives with my bf's ex, and comes to visit us for short stays and sleepovers, more often in the summer time. our new house is about a 30 minute drive from kate's mom's house. it has three bedrooms: a master bedroom and two smaller bedrooms. we are converting one of the rooms to be an office for my bf and me to work from. that leaves just one spare bedroom. kate was really nervous about us moving so far away, and my bf has reassured her that she will still get to visit all the time - and she will have her own bedroom waiting for her whenever she wants. my issue with this is that i don't want kate to treat the only spare bedroom as her personal bedroom. rather, i want it to be thought of as a "guest" bedroom. of course kate can stay there whenever she wants to. this isn't part of the debate, i want her to feel welcome all the time. but i don't want it to be only her room. i don't want it to be filled with her toys and clothes, so nobody else feels comfortable to sleep in there. i don't think it's fair that a room is reserved for someone who is not there 90% of the time. in addition, my bf and i are planning to have a child of our own, and i want to make sure that when that happens, we will have space for them to live. i can only imagine the circus in a few years if we have to tell kate we are taking away her room to give to her new sibling. that's why i want to set expectations now - that kate is always welcome, but she will be welcome as a "guest." my boyfriend thinks i'm being unreasonable, that kate needs her own room for stability, especially as she feels we are moving away from her. he says we can keep a pull-out sofa in our office for guests to stay on, and call the spare room "kate's room." i still don't think it's fair to have a room just for kate when she won't use it very often. and i think it's reasonable to be worried at the prospect of eventually giving kate's room away to a future child.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> so my boyfriend (30m) and i (24f) have been together for two years, and we just bought our first house together. we move in at the end of the month. my boyfriend has a four year old daughter "kate" from a previous relationship. i love kate with all my heart. she lives with my bf's ex, and comes to visit us for short stays and sleepovers, more often in the summer time. our new house is about a 30 minute drive from kate's mom's house. it has three bedrooms: a master bedroom and two smaller bedrooms. we are converting one of the rooms to be an office for my bf and me to work from. that leaves just one spare bedroom. kate was really nervous about us moving so far away, and my bf has reassured her that she will still get to visit all the time - and she will have her own bedroom waiting for her whenever she wants. my issue with this is that i don't want kate to treat the only spare bedroom as her personal bedroom. rather, i want it to be thought of as a "guest" bedroom. of course kate can stay there whenever she wants to. this isn't part of the debate, i want her to feel welcome all the time. but i don't want it to be only her room. i don't want it to be filled with her toys and clothes, so nobody else feels comfortable to sleep in there. i don't think it's fair that a room is reserved for someone who is not there 90% of the time. in addition, my bf and i are planning to have a child of our own, and i want to make sure that when that happens, we will have space for them to live. i can only imagine the circus in a few years if we have to tell kate we are taking away her room to give to her new sibling. that's why i want to set expectations now - that kate is always welcome, but she will be welcome as a "guest." my boyfriend thinks i'm being unreasonable, that kate needs her own room for stability, especially as she feels we are moving away from her. he says we can keep a pull-out sofa in our office for guests to stay on, and call the spare room "kate's room." i still don't think it's fair to have a room just for kate when she won't use it very often. and i think it's reasonable to be worried at the prospect of eventually giving kate's room away to a future child. [/INST] yta. you are not ready for this relationship. his daughter is not a guest, she's a part of his life. and by acting the way you are, you are not making her feel welcome. 🤦‍♀️ </s>
AITA for turning on the washing machine before I leave for work?	my girlfriend and i moved in together a few months ago. everything is going well, but we seem to be hitting a wall when it comes to division of housework. she has some weekdays off due to her shift work, and i work 9-5. before i go to work, i load the washing machine before i leave, and as she's home during the day she hangs out the washing. the other day she confronted me abruptly when i was about to load the washer with our clothes and leave for work, and told me that i should wait until we are both home before turning it on, rather than putting it in and leaving it all for her to hang out. we argued over this - if i'm putting it in, it doesn't take much to hang it out on her day off when she's home. she stopped me putting on the load and has been angry with me since. i just cannot understand why we must wait for us both to have a day off for a washing load to be done, when the washing basket is clearly full. aita?	5,926	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z663vj/aita_for_turning_on_the_washing_machine_before_i/	2022-11-27 16:53:16	yta. you should never ever decide about your partners time without checking first. you're not her manager.	yta, putting the laundry in the machine is like 5% of the work, and you're consistently leaving her to do the remaining 95%	info: why don’t you ask her to load it, and you hang it out when you get home? if loading it is 50% of the work and hanging it is 50% of the work, you should find this a good compromise.	yta. putting it in is nothing compared to taking it all out, hanging it up to dry, taking it down, folding it. so ‘it doesn’t take much’ is complete bullshit. let alone, it’s forcing her to do it asap, because otherwise, it’ll start to smell if it’s not dealt with. these jobs are nowhere near equitable. do the laundry or don’t, but stop kidding yourself that you’re doing an equal share of the laundry.	yta. loading the machine is nothing. having to hang it out is the actual work. so maybe switch, and then ask yourself if that is a fair division of chores.	info: how do you do the rest of chores? turning on the machine is the easy part, but being the only one who hangs it can be annoying and i know how she feels. you decided without any discussion that she should do it and that's unfair. kinda ta	yta. piling clothes in the machine and turning it on takes two minutes. that's not remotely "equal."	yta for just assuming it's fine for her to deal with. > everything is going well, but we seem to be hitting a wall when it comes to division of housework. there is a discussion that needs to be had. you don't get to just delegate what you think is fair for her, and leave her to it. discuss. as in have an actual conversation where you both have your say. come to a compromise that you're both happy with.	yta, if you think that throwing clothes in the washer is the same effort as hanging everything to dry. switch to washing it over night and you can hang them to dry before you go to work. if it’s “no big deal” then that’s the solution.	yta - i didn't have a dryer until i was in my 20s. pushing a button is not even 10% of the job when it's hanging a full load of wet laundry up. it's like "i stacked the dishes to make them easier to clean" or "i picked up my socks so you can sweep and mop" you aren't helping with the housework, you are leaving her chores to do without assistance.	YTA	YTA	INFO	YTA	YTA	INFO	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0.016	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my girlfriend and i moved in together a few months ago. everything is going well, but we seem to be hitting a wall when it comes to division of housework. she has some weekdays off due to her shift work, and i work 9-5. before i go to work, i load the washing machine before i leave, and as she's home during the day she hangs out the washing. the other day she confronted me abruptly when i was about to load the washer with our clothes and leave for work, and told me that i should wait until we are both home before turning it on, rather than putting it in and leaving it all for her to hang out. we argued over this - if i'm putting it in, it doesn't take much to hang it out on her day off when she's home. she stopped me putting on the load and has been angry with me since. i just cannot understand why we must wait for us both to have a day off for a washing load to be done, when the washing basket is clearly full. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my girlfriend and i moved in together a few months ago. everything is going well, but we seem to be hitting a wall when it comes to division of housework. she has some weekdays off due to her shift work, and i work 9-5. before i go to work, i load the washing machine before i leave, and as she's home during the day she hangs out the washing. the other day she confronted me abruptly when i was about to load the washer with our clothes and leave for work, and told me that i should wait until we are both home before turning it on, rather than putting it in and leaving it all for her to hang out. we argued over this - if i'm putting it in, it doesn't take much to hang it out on her day off when she's home. she stopped me putting on the load and has been angry with me since. i just cannot understand why we must wait for us both to have a day off for a washing load to be done, when the washing basket is clearly full. aita? [/INST] yta. you should never ever decide about your partners time without checking first. you're not her manager. </s>
AITA for saying that my kids are not my “greatest accomplishment” and that I resent the assumption they are?	i love my kids, but they are not my everything. i had a whole lifetime before. i ran marathons, climbed mountains, wrote a novel that was published and did moderately successful in the 00s, and have a mfa in creative writing. chatting with some folks in the neighborhood, we got to talking about our greatest accomplishments. when it came to me, tom said “oh, well we know what your greatest accomplishment is, obviously. you have three beautiful, well-behaved children.” i was honestly shocked, and i said no, that’s not my greatest accomplishment. he looked just as shocked, and i said what my greatest accomplishment is, and then said “and by the way, i resent the assumption that having kids is my greatest accomplishment. you have kids, why didn’t you say that?” he said how he didn’t birth the kids, and how that’s a miracle of life and all that gag-me shit. i just rolled my eyes and said “let’s not boil women down to their biological functions, kay?” jen, who has kids, chimed in and said “well, my kids are my greatest accomplishment. i can’t imagine thinking anything else.” tom looked super smug, others including other moms chimed in. all of the moms agreed their kids were their greatest accomplishment. i kind of stewed about it. after that, the woman who chimed in sent me a message asking me if i needed to talk to someone, and asked if i was depressed, because my statement was worrisome. she ended up reaching out to my husband to encourage me to get help, because it seems i’m unhappy being a mom and that puts my kids at risk. am i really the asshole here for thinking being a mom isn’t the end all be all of my life? like… wtf? **	25,485	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/m3prac/aita_for_saying_that_my_kids_are_not_my_greatest/	2021-03-12 20:00:15	nta you are spot on. these women are defining themselves by a biological function. in theory, it’s the raising of those offspring that would count more, and include smug faced tom (if he has kids).	[removed]	nta. tom and jen are absolutely the ahs here. holy cow. i’m a mom and it strikes me so oddly that people call kids an accomplishment. like they’re a step to check off or something. they’re human beings to raise and shape into good people, not things. i honestly can’t get over the nerve of jen to message your husband that garbage and i sincerely hope he told her to eff off.	nta! if anything it sounds like they might be a little bitter over the fact that you have accomplished so much	who wants to take bets on the likelihood that those women just said what they thought was meant to be said... nta	nta. children are people, not an accomplishment.	i get a different read from your story than most. they were giving you a compliment, “you have three beautiful, well-behaved children” and while you may not have had the default answer of your kids being your biggest accomplishment, i think you feel the need to pick a fight because they are assuming you might have the same perspective that they have. if you feel the need to correct them, go for it, but perhaps you use it as a moment to teach them rather than being combative and the whole “gag-me shit”.	nta i hate the assumption that everyone has to think exactly the same when it comes to kids. i’m pregnant and half of my workmates seem baffled that i’m not coo-ing and desperately fighting other people to hold babies when people bring them into the office! i would assume that you did mention that you’re proud of your kids at some point in the conversation? but that you found raising them less of a challenge than x or y? each to their own - as long as your kids are cared for, loved and supported, no one has any right to tell you how to feel.	esh. honestly, you all sound insufferable	[deleted]	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	ESH	null	0.024102	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i love my kids, but they are not my everything. i had a whole lifetime before. i ran marathons, climbed mountains, wrote a novel that was published and did moderately successful in the 00s, and have a mfa in creative writing. chatting with some folks in the neighborhood, we got to talking about our greatest accomplishments. when it came to me, tom said “oh, well we know what your greatest accomplishment is, obviously. you have three beautiful, well-behaved children.” i was honestly shocked, and i said no, that’s not my greatest accomplishment. he looked just as shocked, and i said what my greatest accomplishment is, and then said “and by the way, i resent the assumption that having kids is my greatest accomplishment. you have kids, why didn’t you say that?” he said how he didn’t birth the kids, and how that’s a miracle of life and all that gag-me shit. i just rolled my eyes and said “let’s not boil women down to their biological functions, kay?” jen, who has kids, chimed in and said “well, my kids are my greatest accomplishment. i can’t imagine thinking anything else.” tom looked super smug, others including other moms chimed in. all of the moms agreed their kids were their greatest accomplishment. i kind of stewed about it. after that, the woman who chimed in sent me a message asking me if i needed to talk to someone, and asked if i was depressed, because my statement was worrisome. she ended up reaching out to my husband to encourage me to get help, because it seems i’m unhappy being a mom and that puts my kids at risk. am i really the asshole here for thinking being a mom isn’t the end all be all of my life? like… wtf? **	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i love my kids, but they are not my everything. i had a whole lifetime before. i ran marathons, climbed mountains, wrote a novel that was published and did moderately successful in the 00s, and have a mfa in creative writing. chatting with some folks in the neighborhood, we got to talking about our greatest accomplishments. when it came to me, tom said “oh, well we know what your greatest accomplishment is, obviously. you have three beautiful, well-behaved children.” i was honestly shocked, and i said no, that’s not my greatest accomplishment. he looked just as shocked, and i said what my greatest accomplishment is, and then said “and by the way, i resent the assumption that having kids is my greatest accomplishment. you have kids, why didn’t you say that?” he said how he didn’t birth the kids, and how that’s a miracle of life and all that gag-me shit. i just rolled my eyes and said “let’s not boil women down to their biological functions, kay?” jen, who has kids, chimed in and said “well, my kids are my greatest accomplishment. i can’t imagine thinking anything else.” tom looked super smug, others including other moms chimed in. all of the moms agreed their kids were their greatest accomplishment. i kind of stewed about it. after that, the woman who chimed in sent me a message asking me if i needed to talk to someone, and asked if i was depressed, because my statement was worrisome. she ended up reaching out to my husband to encourage me to get help, because it seems i’m unhappy being a mom and that puts my kids at risk. am i really the asshole here for thinking being a mom isn’t the end all be all of my life? like… wtf? ** [/INST] nta you are spot on. these women are defining themselves by a biological function. in theory, it’s the raising of those offspring that would count more, and include smug faced tom (if he has kids). </s>
AITA for smearing cake on my daughter’s face on her birthday?	my daughter’s 18th birthday was yesterday. on the eve of her birthday, my son(who is 16) told me about his idea to smash cake and whipped cream on his big sister’s face when she woke up. i thought this would be funny and make my daughter laugh first thing on her birthday, so i agreed to do it with my son. i would say my biggest regret here is not telling my wife know about the plan. my daughter woke up at 8 yesterday and when she first came to the breakfast table, my son and i were waiting. we pounced and we each grabbed a slice of chocolate cake and smeared it onto her face and i yelled happy birthday. my wife came to our daughter’s rescue and started yelling at me all the while my daughter was just dumbfounded and shocked. my son and i realized we made a mistake and we apologized, and my daughter went to take a shower. the rest of the day was smooth sailing and my daughter had a fun birthday besides the morning incident but she was clearly upset at her brother and i. my wife lectured me before we slept about what happened. i get the feeling that my daughter is still upset at my son and i. aita? we thought we would make her birthday more memorable.	3,453	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vk3gh1/aita_for_smearing_cake_on_my_daughters_face_on/	2022-06-25 01:15:55	yta. how is this funny?	yta. you started your daughter's birthday off with a deeply unpleasant experience and then laughed at her distress. if your biggest regret is that you didn't tell your wife beforehand, you're even more yta pranks are usually only funny to the people who get to torment/humiliate the victim.	yta. what's the punchline and why would your daughter find it funny? if the target isn't laughing it's bullying, and you enabled your son.	wtf. this was her birthday, a particularly special one. and how exactly was she supposed to enjoy this? by that logic, on your 40th birthday you should get a surprise proctology exam. it'll be so memorable!	yta. what was funny or memorable in a good way about your childish and rude stunt?	yta i am going to be kind-ish here. there are people who would have enjoyed this prank. now... i am going to take a wild guess here and argue, that , had you stopped a moment to think on it, maybe just checking if your daughter is that type of person, would have come up with a no. now... okay... let's continue to be kind-ish. the second you and your son pounced and that cake was all over her face... did you check to see if she was laughing? if the other party is not laughing, you did not pull a prank, you did something extremely unfunny. now, depending on what type of girl your daughter is, there is even a chance that she had picked out a special birthday outfit as that was a special birthday. so, if she came out in anything other than her pjs, odds are, that outfit was part of her day plan. &#x200b; i mean, maybe there was a slim chance that your daughter's humor stretched far enough, to endure a violation of her bodily autonomy. maybe ther was a sliver of it going "yeah, the best way to feel like a young adult is having cake smeared all over me". ... but you know who - other than your - daughter got caught up in it: your wife. your wife is the person, who likely at some point ran interference on your behalf and soothed your daughter. your wife is the one, who organized or maybe even baked the cake, your wife is the person needs to get the chocolate stain out of your daughter's clothing - at least she likely is. you and your son owe your wife an apology. then, you and your son go out. shopping. for a gift card for your daughter's favorite clothing store, a set of her favorite skin care products. then you go home, and you bake - yes bake ... a cake together. then you present all of that plus a permission that she can cake her brother when he turns 18, provided it leaves him enough time to change for school. and then you apologize again. and all of that is considered an "we're sorry for being immature boys"-gift, not a birthday gift. got it?	yta. how have you known your daughter for 18 years and need your wife to tell you that an obviously bad idea would upset her?	yta grow up. set a better example for your son.	yup. yta not. funny. eta 18th birthday. special day. maybe you've dressed up. maybe you've put on your make-up. a couple of assholes mess up your face. idiot.	yta i’ve never understood why people think this type of thing is funny.	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my daughter’s 18th birthday was yesterday. on the eve of her birthday, my son(who is 16) told me about his idea to smash cake and whipped cream on his big sister’s face when she woke up. i thought this would be funny and make my daughter laugh first thing on her birthday, so i agreed to do it with my son. i would say my biggest regret here is not telling my wife know about the plan. my daughter woke up at 8 yesterday and when she first came to the breakfast table, my son and i were waiting. we pounced and we each grabbed a slice of chocolate cake and smeared it onto her face and i yelled happy birthday. my wife came to our daughter’s rescue and started yelling at me all the while my daughter was just dumbfounded and shocked. my son and i realized we made a mistake and we apologized, and my daughter went to take a shower. the rest of the day was smooth sailing and my daughter had a fun birthday besides the morning incident but she was clearly upset at her brother and i. my wife lectured me before we slept about what happened. i get the feeling that my daughter is still upset at my son and i. aita? we thought we would make her birthday more memorable.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my daughter’s 18th birthday was yesterday. on the eve of her birthday, my son(who is 16) told me about his idea to smash cake and whipped cream on his big sister’s face when she woke up. i thought this would be funny and make my daughter laugh first thing on her birthday, so i agreed to do it with my son. i would say my biggest regret here is not telling my wife know about the plan. my daughter woke up at 8 yesterday and when she first came to the breakfast table, my son and i were waiting. we pounced and we each grabbed a slice of chocolate cake and smeared it onto her face and i yelled happy birthday. my wife came to our daughter’s rescue and started yelling at me all the while my daughter was just dumbfounded and shocked. my son and i realized we made a mistake and we apologized, and my daughter went to take a shower. the rest of the day was smooth sailing and my daughter had a fun birthday besides the morning incident but she was clearly upset at her brother and i. my wife lectured me before we slept about what happened. i get the feeling that my daughter is still upset at my son and i. aita? we thought we would make her birthday more memorable. [/INST] yta. how is this funny? </s>
AITA for not packing my husband's bags so he could go spend Xmas with his family without me?	i (f30) have been with my husband ted (m34) for 4 years and we got married 2 years ago. his family and i haven't really gotten along too well. they're rich and are all about image. i only see them on occasions but that's when the drama is at it's highest rate. last christmas ted & i traveled to spend xmas with them and it was awkward for some reason. after we went back to the hotel his mom sent me a list of all the things i've done wrong at her house like bringing wrong types of desserts and wearing "inappropriate" clothes (um i wore a blouse and leather jacket) and not standing up when guests arrived. this year mother inlaw only sent an invitation to ted to spend xmas with family. he told me his mom didn't invite me because of my last year's "negative points" and would rather have just him there this year. i was flabbergasted i asked if he was actually considering going after his mom excluded me and he shrugged and said yes because he never spent xmas away from family his entire life and isn't "about to break the cycle now". he suggested i go out, invite regina (my best friend) over or just plan my own celebration and said "but nothing too crazy, capeesh?". i was upset but hey! if they don't want me then i shouldn't force it and tried to not feel hurt and offended. yesterday ted came home asking if his bags were ready since it was time to go. i said i don't know and he was stunned. he freaked out saying i knew he was going to travel to his hometown and i should've packed his bags like i always do. i admit that packing his bags is what i do but only when we're traveling together and i figured since he was traveling on his own then he should pack them himself. he lost it saying i just caused him to be late and ruined all the (flight/hotel/other reservations) arrangements he had just because i was being bitter because i wasn't invited to xmas celebration with his family. we had a heated argument and he said "look, you're really overreacting right now because it's not like i'm going away on a vacation to another country to spend time with some strippers and whatnot though i'm pretty certain you wouldn't be as half pissed and agitated as you are now. i'm just going to spend time with my family and quite frankly, i don't know what it is with you anymore". then proceeded to call me petty and say i got him in trouble and "punished" him by not packing his bags for him knowing he was going to travel. he packed his bags in a rush and ended up forgetting most of the gifts he got for his family. he's now not speaking to me. aita?	24,556	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rmtv59/aita_for_not_packing_my_husbands_bags_so_he_could/	2021-12-23 11:38:26	nta - change the locks while he is at his parents and hire a divorce lawyer is what i would do if my wife did what your husband did	nta. so let me get this straight, he is a grown up man who threw a tantrum because he had to do something himself. he is so in the wrong.	nta and why are you with this guy again? he wants to spend christmas with his family, but you're his family now. he doesn't defend you when his mother makes rediculous demands and he should have. and he expects you to pack his bags like a good little housewife/ maid. it doesn't sound like he respects you, or you are even a priority to him.	pack your bags and be gone when he comes back. he is a tool. nta.	yta. staying married to this man when he clearly should be married to your mother-in-law is just an asshole move. apologize when he gets back, get divorced and let those two lovebirds get on with their lives.	honey, here is what you do. pack up the rest of his belongings. everything! your friend regina can help. tomorrow you call and wish him merry christmas and while he is there tell him you need to look for somewhere to live. your stuff is packed and you are not coming back here. get a storage locker and put all of his stuff there. today you call a lawyer and file for divorce. your marriage is over and you have a life of hell if you even consider staying with this guy. get moving and start packing. you have plenty of time.	nta if i'm understanding things here correctly, your spouse was expecting you to pack his bags for a vacation you weren't invited to. as well as he just expected you to pack his stuff for him for some reason? why is he being so irresponsible and dependent? he's not a child who's going out on their very first vacation, he's supposed to be an adult.	the "kapeesh" alone (in that situation) would've initiated my fight or flight mode. he sounds like a real prize asshole, along with the rest of his family. nta and from my experience, around year 4 is when some partners tend to show their true colors. please do not put up with being treated like this, you deserve better. they did you a favor by not inviting you.	sounds like it's time to pack your own bag while he's out of town.	you are nta but you are in a rubbish marriage, get out now. no decent spouse would leave their partner behind after they were not invited. please take this alone time to re think things, this is not a nice relationship.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	YTA	null	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	0.04134	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (f30) have been with my husband ted (m34) for 4 years and we got married 2 years ago. his family and i haven't really gotten along too well. they're rich and are all about image. i only see them on occasions but that's when the drama is at it's highest rate. last christmas ted & i traveled to spend xmas with them and it was awkward for some reason. after we went back to the hotel his mom sent me a list of all the things i've done wrong at her house like bringing wrong types of desserts and wearing "inappropriate" clothes (um i wore a blouse and leather jacket) and not standing up when guests arrived. this year mother inlaw only sent an invitation to ted to spend xmas with family. he told me his mom didn't invite me because of my last year's "negative points" and would rather have just him there this year. i was flabbergasted i asked if he was actually considering going after his mom excluded me and he shrugged and said yes because he never spent xmas away from family his entire life and isn't "about to break the cycle now". he suggested i go out, invite regina (my best friend) over or just plan my own celebration and said "but nothing too crazy, capeesh?". i was upset but hey! if they don't want me then i shouldn't force it and tried to not feel hurt and offended. yesterday ted came home asking if his bags were ready since it was time to go. i said i don't know and he was stunned. he freaked out saying i knew he was going to travel to his hometown and i should've packed his bags like i always do. i admit that packing his bags is what i do but only when we're traveling together and i figured since he was traveling on his own then he should pack them himself. he lost it saying i just caused him to be late and ruined all the (flight/hotel/other reservations) arrangements he had just because i was being bitter because i wasn't invited to xmas celebration with his family. we had a heated argument and he said "look, you're really overreacting right now because it's not like i'm going away on a vacation to another country to spend time with some strippers and whatnot though i'm pretty certain you wouldn't be as half pissed and agitated as you are now. i'm just going to spend time with my family and quite frankly, i don't know what it is with you anymore". then proceeded to call me petty and say i got him in trouble and "punished" him by not packing his bags for him knowing he was going to travel. he packed his bags in a rush and ended up forgetting most of the gifts he got for his family. he's now not speaking to me. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i (f30) have been with my husband ted (m34) for 4 years and we got married 2 years ago. his family and i haven't really gotten along too well. they're rich and are all about image. i only see them on occasions but that's when the drama is at it's highest rate. last christmas ted & i traveled to spend xmas with them and it was awkward for some reason. after we went back to the hotel his mom sent me a list of all the things i've done wrong at her house like bringing wrong types of desserts and wearing "inappropriate" clothes (um i wore a blouse and leather jacket) and not standing up when guests arrived. this year mother inlaw only sent an invitation to ted to spend xmas with family. he told me his mom didn't invite me because of my last year's "negative points" and would rather have just him there this year. i was flabbergasted i asked if he was actually considering going after his mom excluded me and he shrugged and said yes because he never spent xmas away from family his entire life and isn't "about to break the cycle now". he suggested i go out, invite regina (my best friend) over or just plan my own celebration and said "but nothing too crazy, capeesh?". i was upset but hey! if they don't want me then i shouldn't force it and tried to not feel hurt and offended. yesterday ted came home asking if his bags were ready since it was time to go. i said i don't know and he was stunned. he freaked out saying i knew he was going to travel to his hometown and i should've packed his bags like i always do. i admit that packing his bags is what i do but only when we're traveling together and i figured since he was traveling on his own then he should pack them himself. he lost it saying i just caused him to be late and ruined all the (flight/hotel/other reservations) arrangements he had just because i was being bitter because i wasn't invited to xmas celebration with his family. we had a heated argument and he said "look, you're really overreacting right now because it's not like i'm going away on a vacation to another country to spend time with some strippers and whatnot though i'm pretty certain you wouldn't be as half pissed and agitated as you are now. i'm just going to spend time with my family and quite frankly, i don't know what it is with you anymore". then proceeded to call me petty and say i got him in trouble and "punished" him by not packing his bags for him knowing he was going to travel. he packed his bags in a rush and ended up forgetting most of the gifts he got for his family. he's now not speaking to me. aita? [/INST] nta - change the locks while he is at his parents and hire a divorce lawyer is what i would do if my wife did what your husband did </s>
AITA for yelling at a wildlife sanctuary owner/ fox owner, for making the fox adoption process so difficult on me?	since i was about 16 i've known i've wanted a pet fox. i've read up on them, know they're a lot of work and that many owners are irresponsible, and that they can be destructive, but i've known i want one anyways. now i've graduated with my degree, paid off all my debt, live alone in a house, and i finally started looking into getting a pet fox. i contacted a large wildlife sanctuary here (one of the only licensed sellers of pet foxes in my state) who have taken in many pet foxes that previous owners surrendered to them, and began the adoption process. that was more than 4 months ago, and the woman who runs constantly made things difficult for me. in every phone call she seems skeptical of my intentions. first i had to pay a large cash deposit to even begin the adoption process. then i had to agree to have a background check and submit proof of income. then i had to give a virtual home tour by some outsourced service to make sure the environment was "suitable for a fox," and pay for the cost of the service. i've had at least 3 separate phone interviews now where i had to answer a bunch of questions about responsible ownership and get quizzed on how to care for a fox. i thought i was finally nearing the end of this process, when i then got told that the next step is purchasing 2 bottles of fox urine(apparently you can buy it online...i looked it up), place them inside my house, open the lids on the bottles, and leave them to sit open for a week. since apparently "63% of new red fox owners surrender the fox within one year, and the primary reason is a lack of willingness or ability to deal with fox odor." at this point i went off on her and yelled that i've been going through this stupid process for months, she has a fox, i have the money, why the hell can't i give you the money for the fox and call it a day instead of playing all these stupid games. she just gruffly told me that she had every right to keep my deposit and withhold the fox if i chose to "behave this way", until or unless i apologized and agreed to her process. aita? i feel like i've reasonably demonstrated that i'm willing and able to care for a fox without filling my home with fox piss....	4,828	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hznujc/aita_for_yelling_at_a_wildlife_sanctuary_owner/	2020-07-28 21:48:51	yta honestly what she did is reasonable and if you aren’t willing to be patient with her, you’re probably not going to be patient with the fox. you know she’s the only licensed seller yet you still yelled at her??? a fox is not an item, it’s a living being.	yta. ...have you ever actually smelled fox? if not, she's doing you a favor. i had to step inside a small, unventilated room at a rehab facility once where they were temporarily keeping 3 foxes, and i found it hard to breathe at all without feeling sick. when you breathe through your mouth the air tastes like fox musk. shudder	yta. owning a fox isn’t easy - that’s why the adoption process is hard. they are making it tough to weed out the impatient and unsuitable prospective fox owners and you failed. a lot of the stuff you mentioned is common fare for prospective cat owners and cats are meant to be pets, no wonder they make it harder for fucking foxes.	yta. the reason that they want you do to this is because . . . spoiler alert . . . owning a red fox is going to fill your house with fox piss, and this is why two-thirds of owners surrender their animal. there is a reason they have this policy. you are trying to adopt a wild animal. they are trying to make sure that animal has the care that it needs. if you can't be bothered to go through their vetting process, then you're demonstrating it might not.	well i think you've proven to her you don't have the temperament for a pet fox. yta	is this real? lol. people own foxes as pets? yta for wanting to own a fox as a pet. 😁	yeah, yta. she's saying "your fox run is gonna smell like a fox lives there" and she wants proof that you're okay with that before an animal is involved. if you can't live with the smell for a week, then it's reasonable to worry that you'll avoid the fox's home and neglect their needs.	yta. these steps are taken to protect the animals from shitty owners.	yta. tf do you think your house will smell like after you get a pet fox?	yes, yta. there's a reason she has surrendered fox to sell. you may make a phenomenal owner, but she's doing her due diligence for the people who won't make great owners.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: since i was about 16 i've known i've wanted a pet fox. i've read up on them, know they're a lot of work and that many owners are irresponsible, and that they can be destructive, but i've known i want one anyways. now i've graduated with my degree, paid off all my debt, live alone in a house, and i finally started looking into getting a pet fox. i contacted a large wildlife sanctuary here (one of the only licensed sellers of pet foxes in my state) who have taken in many pet foxes that previous owners surrendered to them, and began the adoption process. that was more than 4 months ago, and the woman who runs constantly made things difficult for me. in every phone call she seems skeptical of my intentions. first i had to pay a large cash deposit to even begin the adoption process. then i had to agree to have a background check and submit proof of income. then i had to give a virtual home tour by some outsourced service to make sure the environment was "suitable for a fox," and pay for the cost of the service. i've had at least 3 separate phone interviews now where i had to answer a bunch of questions about responsible ownership and get quizzed on how to care for a fox. i thought i was finally nearing the end of this process, when i then got told that the next step is purchasing 2 bottles of fox urine(apparently you can buy it online...i looked it up), place them inside my house, open the lids on the bottles, and leave them to sit open for a week. since apparently "63% of new red fox owners surrender the fox within one year, and the primary reason is a lack of willingness or ability to deal with fox odor." at this point i went off on her and yelled that i've been going through this stupid process for months, she has a fox, i have the money, why the hell can't i give you the money for the fox and call it a day instead of playing all these stupid games. she just gruffly told me that she had every right to keep my deposit and withhold the fox if i chose to "behave this way", until or unless i apologized and agreed to her process. aita? i feel like i've reasonably demonstrated that i'm willing and able to care for a fox without filling my home with fox piss....	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> since i was about 16 i've known i've wanted a pet fox. i've read up on them, know they're a lot of work and that many owners are irresponsible, and that they can be destructive, but i've known i want one anyways. now i've graduated with my degree, paid off all my debt, live alone in a house, and i finally started looking into getting a pet fox. i contacted a large wildlife sanctuary here (one of the only licensed sellers of pet foxes in my state) who have taken in many pet foxes that previous owners surrendered to them, and began the adoption process. that was more than 4 months ago, and the woman who runs constantly made things difficult for me. in every phone call she seems skeptical of my intentions. first i had to pay a large cash deposit to even begin the adoption process. then i had to agree to have a background check and submit proof of income. then i had to give a virtual home tour by some outsourced service to make sure the environment was "suitable for a fox," and pay for the cost of the service. i've had at least 3 separate phone interviews now where i had to answer a bunch of questions about responsible ownership and get quizzed on how to care for a fox. i thought i was finally nearing the end of this process, when i then got told that the next step is purchasing 2 bottles of fox urine(apparently you can buy it online...i looked it up), place them inside my house, open the lids on the bottles, and leave them to sit open for a week. since apparently "63% of new red fox owners surrender the fox within one year, and the primary reason is a lack of willingness or ability to deal with fox odor." at this point i went off on her and yelled that i've been going through this stupid process for months, she has a fox, i have the money, why the hell can't i give you the money for the fox and call it a day instead of playing all these stupid games. she just gruffly told me that she had every right to keep my deposit and withhold the fox if i chose to "behave this way", until or unless i apologized and agreed to her process. aita? i feel like i've reasonably demonstrated that i'm willing and able to care for a fox without filling my home with fox piss.... [/INST] yta honestly what she did is reasonable and if you aren’t willing to be patient with her, you’re probably not going to be patient with the fox. you know she’s the only licensed seller yet you still yelled at her??? a fox is not an item, it’s a living being. </s>
AITA for "backing out" of an agreement I never made?	2 months ago my dad (54m) approached me with an opportunity to buy a female labrador puppy from his friend (let's call him joe) who shows and breeds pedigree labradors. according to my dad, joe was offering me the labrador puppy for a heavily discounted rate ($80) because i was his friends daughter. nothing else was mentioned to me about why the puppy was so cheap but i assumed my dads friend joe was just being generous. looking back i was definitely naive but i'd been wanting a labrador pup for a long time and the offer was just too good to pass up. that same day i drove over 2 hours to joes farm to collect my new 3 month old labrador puppy and sign the paperwork transferring the ownership of the pup to me. joe never mentioned anything else about the terms of the sale and i never signed any other paperwork or contract regarding further terms. i want to stress that in the period directly after the sale, neither joe or my dad discussed with me the apparent "extra terms" i had supposedly agreed to. until recently. i mentioned to my dad that i had booked jennifer (name of pup) for her desexing next month and my dad immediately told me i had to cancel. he went on to explain that he had agreed (on my behalf) to allow joe to use my labrador to breed more pups for him to sell. this is apparently why i was able to buy jennifer for such a discounted rate. i was shocked but frankly not surprised since my dad has a long history of neglecting to mention important details/lying by omission. as far as i'm concerned, i never agreed to these terms so i'm not bound to them. dad and joe may have had a verbal agreement but i am the legal owner of jennifer and there was no verbal (or written) agreement between me and joe so i don't care. i called joe and made it crystal clear to him that i absolutely was not planning to breed jennifer, let alone give him the puppies to sell. he was upset, called me a few choice names, and demanded i pay back the difference between the discounted rate and the normal rate for jennifer since i wasn't breeding her for him. i refused because i legally own jennifer now and the sale is over. if he wanted me to breed jennifer he should have talked to me about this personally because i was the buyer, not my dad. joe is apparently fuming, my dad is angry because he doesn't understand why its a big deal, and other extended family members who know joe think i'm being a bitch and should at least pay him back the difference. but i honestly just don't feel like i'm obligated to. it's their fault , especially joe, for not mentioning these extra terms to me before the sale. he's the seller and he show know better when conducting his business. also according to the "agreement" i would have to breed jennifer whenever joe wanted (so i'm guessing nonstop). plus joe would not have to pay for jennifers medical expenses when pregnant and that would all come out of my pocket. hard pass.	20,598	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kpsy8o/aita_for_backing_out_of_an_agreement_i_never_made/	2021-01-03 21:00:34	nta. make sure you have your dog chipped and some sort of tracking device on the collar. i wouldn’t trust joe or your father not to try to take the dog back. maybe also look into getting some cameras put up at your place.	nta have your dad pay the difference, as he was the one who deliberately lied by omission.	nta - the dog is your dog, and you do not owe anyone anything. you are absolutely correct that if the terms of the sale included making the dog available for breeding, that the transfer of ownership paperwork needed to include that information. it didn’t, and nothing else was signed. there isn’t shit anyone can do, legally. do be careful though, because i wouldn’t put it past a scorned byb (and frankly, that’s what he sounds like with this attempt to force you to breed dogs for him) to steel your dog. make sure that she’s never outside alone, be careful at dog parks, be sure she’s chipped, and be clear with any groomers, daycare or boarding centers that you and only you are to pick up your dog.	nta - he sounds like a backyard breeder who doesn’t actually care about the health of the breed. real breeders would charge extra for a puppy with breeding rights and a legal document would be drawn up. you should only breed a female dog 3 times or else it’ll start to heavily impact her health. he doesn’t care about the health of these dogs. go through with the desexing and don’t pay that guy anything.	nta that’s on joes dumbass for not mentioning such a huge detail to you.	nta - this sounds like the craziest nonsense i've ever heard. i've heard of breeders having new owners specifically sign contracts saying the won't breed the dogs, i've never heard of someone trying to force the new owner to be part of their puppy mill...	nta. and is there any organisation you can report joe to? where i live, selling puppies like this would be illegal. also, you do owe us jennifer tax ;) i hope she'll have a good, long, healthy life with you.	nta. in addition to this not being your legal obligation, and the medicinal fees for your dog, i assume that this would also include taking care of her puppies. from my understanding puppies aren’t to leave their moms side for 3 months after birth. so essentially you’d have two options: giving your dog back to him for months every time she gives birth or taking care of puppies for three months each time. or traumatizing the puppies by separating them before their ready. did your dad and joe talk about that part? i’m with you - hard pass.	nta - what kind of idiot breeder doesn't state such a significant point up front. and breeding a female dog (and keeping a female dog not neutered) is not insignificant in terms of what it means in terms of your taking care of the dog. it is ironic since many of the higher quality breeders actually require that dogs they sell be neutered unless they are of a quality intended for show. but this is a condition of the sale along and stated up front.	esh joe and your dad obviously. but seriously. this guy is an obviously puppy mill and by buying his puppies (even at a discount) you're supporting the industry.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	ESH	0.010125	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: 2 months ago my dad (54m) approached me with an opportunity to buy a female labrador puppy from his friend (let's call him joe) who shows and breeds pedigree labradors. according to my dad, joe was offering me the labrador puppy for a heavily discounted rate ($80) because i was his friends daughter. nothing else was mentioned to me about why the puppy was so cheap but i assumed my dads friend joe was just being generous. looking back i was definitely naive but i'd been wanting a labrador pup for a long time and the offer was just too good to pass up. that same day i drove over 2 hours to joes farm to collect my new 3 month old labrador puppy and sign the paperwork transferring the ownership of the pup to me. joe never mentioned anything else about the terms of the sale and i never signed any other paperwork or contract regarding further terms. i want to stress that in the period directly after the sale, neither joe or my dad discussed with me the apparent "extra terms" i had supposedly agreed to. until recently. i mentioned to my dad that i had booked jennifer (name of pup) for her desexing next month and my dad immediately told me i had to cancel. he went on to explain that he had agreed (on my behalf) to allow joe to use my labrador to breed more pups for him to sell. this is apparently why i was able to buy jennifer for such a discounted rate. i was shocked but frankly not surprised since my dad has a long history of neglecting to mention important details/lying by omission. as far as i'm concerned, i never agreed to these terms so i'm not bound to them. dad and joe may have had a verbal agreement but i am the legal owner of jennifer and there was no verbal (or written) agreement between me and joe so i don't care. i called joe and made it crystal clear to him that i absolutely was not planning to breed jennifer, let alone give him the puppies to sell. he was upset, called me a few choice names, and demanded i pay back the difference between the discounted rate and the normal rate for jennifer since i wasn't breeding her for him. i refused because i legally own jennifer now and the sale is over. if he wanted me to breed jennifer he should have talked to me about this personally because i was the buyer, not my dad. joe is apparently fuming, my dad is angry because he doesn't understand why its a big deal, and other extended family members who know joe think i'm being a bitch and should at least pay him back the difference. but i honestly just don't feel like i'm obligated to. it's their fault , especially joe, for not mentioning these extra terms to me before the sale. he's the seller and he show know better when conducting his business. also according to the "agreement" i would have to breed jennifer whenever joe wanted (so i'm guessing nonstop). plus joe would not have to pay for jennifers medical expenses when pregnant and that would all come out of my pocket. hard pass.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> 2 months ago my dad (54m) approached me with an opportunity to buy a female labrador puppy from his friend (let's call him joe) who shows and breeds pedigree labradors. according to my dad, joe was offering me the labrador puppy for a heavily discounted rate ($80) because i was his friends daughter. nothing else was mentioned to me about why the puppy was so cheap but i assumed my dads friend joe was just being generous. looking back i was definitely naive but i'd been wanting a labrador pup for a long time and the offer was just too good to pass up. that same day i drove over 2 hours to joes farm to collect my new 3 month old labrador puppy and sign the paperwork transferring the ownership of the pup to me. joe never mentioned anything else about the terms of the sale and i never signed any other paperwork or contract regarding further terms. i want to stress that in the period directly after the sale, neither joe or my dad discussed with me the apparent "extra terms" i had supposedly agreed to. until recently. i mentioned to my dad that i had booked jennifer (name of pup) for her desexing next month and my dad immediately told me i had to cancel. he went on to explain that he had agreed (on my behalf) to allow joe to use my labrador to breed more pups for him to sell. this is apparently why i was able to buy jennifer for such a discounted rate. i was shocked but frankly not surprised since my dad has a long history of neglecting to mention important details/lying by omission. as far as i'm concerned, i never agreed to these terms so i'm not bound to them. dad and joe may have had a verbal agreement but i am the legal owner of jennifer and there was no verbal (or written) agreement between me and joe so i don't care. i called joe and made it crystal clear to him that i absolutely was not planning to breed jennifer, let alone give him the puppies to sell. he was upset, called me a few choice names, and demanded i pay back the difference between the discounted rate and the normal rate for jennifer since i wasn't breeding her for him. i refused because i legally own jennifer now and the sale is over. if he wanted me to breed jennifer he should have talked to me about this personally because i was the buyer, not my dad. joe is apparently fuming, my dad is angry because he doesn't understand why its a big deal, and other extended family members who know joe think i'm being a bitch and should at least pay him back the difference. but i honestly just don't feel like i'm obligated to. it's their fault , especially joe, for not mentioning these extra terms to me before the sale. he's the seller and he show know better when conducting his business. also according to the "agreement" i would have to breed jennifer whenever joe wanted (so i'm guessing nonstop). plus joe would not have to pay for jennifers medical expenses when pregnant and that would all come out of my pocket. hard pass. [/INST] nta. make sure you have your dog chipped and some sort of tracking device on the collar. i wouldn’t trust joe or your father not to try to take the dog back. maybe also look into getting some cameras put up at your place. </s>
AITA for letting my MIL and SIL find our (hubby's and mine) bedroom toys because I suspected they snooped in my drawers?	my (27f) husband (32m) and i have been dating for 6 years and married for 4, we have a 3 year old baby boy and since we don't plan on having more children, i told my husband that i wanted to get my boobs redone because i wanted them more perky and i had surgery last year. my mil has always been sniffy because my husband is her only son, we've gone lc over the years because she's overbearing with him and dismissing with me, things got a little better when our baby was born, but after my surgery? oof, it's like i wrote in my forehead ''look at my boobs, i want to cheat on my husband'', she's always implying that i did it for male validation (yeah, your son's ffs), that i'll leave my husband, that i look like a hooker because i wear stuff that shows cleavage, that i could've gotten them a little smaller, everything. she also complaint about my clothes (and underwear) a lot, because ''no married woman with a child should dress like this''. and see, that's what stung me because, how could she know? i suspected she was going in my drawers, but my husband told me that she could never, she made a comment about a cute set of lingerie that shows basically everything and i was confused, i asked how'd she knows i have it and she said ''she saw it in the washing machine'' but i prefer to wash my sets by hand so the lace last longer. anyway, we recently changed our bedroom and i had an idea to put an end to this, when i was restocking my drawers, i used one in my vanity to put all of my husband's and mines sex toys, a few sets and a dirty letter he wrote to me once. my mil visited us a few times and said nothing, so i did felt bad for accusing her, but yesterday she was here with my sil and my husband and i were in the kitchen cooking for them. we heard my mil calling us and when we went to our room they were standing next to my open drawer, i just snorted, looked at my husband and said ''see? she snoops.'' my husband got red in the face, berated my mil and my sil and they both left after calling me indecent. my husband is mad at them, but he's mad at me too because he says i shouldn't have set a trap for his family and is saying we three need to apologize to each other, so maybe aita?	22,925	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u5u6fz/aita_for_letting_my_mil_and_sil_find_our_hubbys/	2022-04-17 19:24:08	nta. they're acting like you put a dildo in the cutlery drawer and waited for them to discover it while cooking dinner. it's not a trap, it's just another drawer in your bedroom.	if your husband didn’t want you to set a trap, he should’ve have taken your concerns seriously instead of dismissing them. you tried to talk to him first. he didn’t listen. were you supposed to just ignore your suspicions that your overbearing mil was invading your privacy?? also, after the first comment about your breasts, that woman should have been banned from your house. imagine going into someone else’s home, criticizing their body, talking about their underwear, and insinuating they’re a slut?! holy cow. that audacity of that woman. you’re nta but you and your husband need to establish new boundaries with mil. and he needs to have your back because this shit cannot keep happening.	nta. they really called you in to your own bedroom to berate you over what you keep in your own drawers? never let these people back in to your home again.	it's not a trap, it's your drawer and your toys	nta, you kept your stuff in your drawer in your house. if you go looking through someone else's stuff you can't complain about what you find.	nta. your husband is a problem though- on what planet was that your fault??? his family shouldn’t be allowed back in your house because they invade your privacy and slut shame you regularly, they do it in front of him, and his reaction is for you to apologize too smdh. that’s outrageous. you have every right to not be around people who demean you and violate your boundaries and to not want your children around them as well. i would go no contact instead of low.	nta it's indecent for you to have sex toys tucked away in a drawer in the privacy of your own bedroom but her behavior isn't? she keeps intentionally snooping, trying to sniff out anything sexually related? what the hell is her fascination with you and her own son's sex life? maybe you should ask her. also, it's not entrapment to put stuff in a damn drawer in a dresser you own, in your bedroom, in your house. are you just supposed to fill it with socks and hide everything else under a floorboard, lest mommy's prying eyes find something to be offended over? your husband needed a slap of reality. he got it, but he's still not wanting to fully acknowledge or deal with it, because yeah he may be "mad at them" but he's also still trying to put this on you. it's your fault he can't continue to ignore it now. he gets a y t a too albeit a softer one than nosy mil and sil.	nta this is hilarious and exactly what you should have done. if he wasnt willing to listen that they were anooping you had evrry right to trap them. also, you hwve every right to out in your drawers what you want. it is your house and your drawers. gross od mil and sil your husband needs to apologize to you and put his mama in her place	nta. when a normal person accidently opens a drawer in someone's bedroom, say to borrow a hairbrush or hand cream, and discovers something "scandalous" instead, they quickly close it and pretend they never saw it in the first place. stashing handcuffs and thongs in the pantry is a trap. moving your sex toys to a drawer in your bedroom is not.	hey are you planning to show this to your husband with all of our opinions about how awful his mom is? because she majorly sucks. and i think it'd be a nice eye opener for him.	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my (27f) husband (32m) and i have been dating for 6 years and married for 4, we have a 3 year old baby boy and since we don't plan on having more children, i told my husband that i wanted to get my boobs redone because i wanted them more perky and i had surgery last year. my mil has always been sniffy because my husband is her only son, we've gone lc over the years because she's overbearing with him and dismissing with me, things got a little better when our baby was born, but after my surgery? oof, it's like i wrote in my forehead ''look at my boobs, i want to cheat on my husband'', she's always implying that i did it for male validation (yeah, your son's ffs), that i'll leave my husband, that i look like a hooker because i wear stuff that shows cleavage, that i could've gotten them a little smaller, everything. she also complaint about my clothes (and underwear) a lot, because ''no married woman with a child should dress like this''. and see, that's what stung me because, how could she know? i suspected she was going in my drawers, but my husband told me that she could never, she made a comment about a cute set of lingerie that shows basically everything and i was confused, i asked how'd she knows i have it and she said ''she saw it in the washing machine'' but i prefer to wash my sets by hand so the lace last longer. anyway, we recently changed our bedroom and i had an idea to put an end to this, when i was restocking my drawers, i used one in my vanity to put all of my husband's and mines sex toys, a few sets and a dirty letter he wrote to me once. my mil visited us a few times and said nothing, so i did felt bad for accusing her, but yesterday she was here with my sil and my husband and i were in the kitchen cooking for them. we heard my mil calling us and when we went to our room they were standing next to my open drawer, i just snorted, looked at my husband and said ''see? she snoops.'' my husband got red in the face, berated my mil and my sil and they both left after calling me indecent. my husband is mad at them, but he's mad at me too because he says i shouldn't have set a trap for his family and is saying we three need to apologize to each other, so maybe aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my (27f) husband (32m) and i have been dating for 6 years and married for 4, we have a 3 year old baby boy and since we don't plan on having more children, i told my husband that i wanted to get my boobs redone because i wanted them more perky and i had surgery last year. my mil has always been sniffy because my husband is her only son, we've gone lc over the years because she's overbearing with him and dismissing with me, things got a little better when our baby was born, but after my surgery? oof, it's like i wrote in my forehead ''look at my boobs, i want to cheat on my husband'', she's always implying that i did it for male validation (yeah, your son's ffs), that i'll leave my husband, that i look like a hooker because i wear stuff that shows cleavage, that i could've gotten them a little smaller, everything. she also complaint about my clothes (and underwear) a lot, because ''no married woman with a child should dress like this''. and see, that's what stung me because, how could she know? i suspected she was going in my drawers, but my husband told me that she could never, she made a comment about a cute set of lingerie that shows basically everything and i was confused, i asked how'd she knows i have it and she said ''she saw it in the washing machine'' but i prefer to wash my sets by hand so the lace last longer. anyway, we recently changed our bedroom and i had an idea to put an end to this, when i was restocking my drawers, i used one in my vanity to put all of my husband's and mines sex toys, a few sets and a dirty letter he wrote to me once. my mil visited us a few times and said nothing, so i did felt bad for accusing her, but yesterday she was here with my sil and my husband and i were in the kitchen cooking for them. we heard my mil calling us and when we went to our room they were standing next to my open drawer, i just snorted, looked at my husband and said ''see? she snoops.'' my husband got red in the face, berated my mil and my sil and they both left after calling me indecent. my husband is mad at them, but he's mad at me too because he says i shouldn't have set a trap for his family and is saying we three need to apologize to each other, so maybe aita? [/INST] nta. they're acting like you put a dildo in the cutlery drawer and waited for them to discover it while cooking dinner. it's not a trap, it's just another drawer in your bedroom. </s>
AITA for confronting my friend's unsanitary behavior regarding her cats?	throwaway, i don't want my family to see this. me (16f) and my best friend (also 16f) have known each other since 3rd grade and we love each other to the core. we have been through thick and thin, and i just want the best for her. about 2 years ago she convinced her parents to finally get a pet, and she didn't get 1, but 2 kittens. i was a little bothered since i expressed my dislike for cats throughout the entire time we knew each other, but whatever. anyway, we haven't really been able to visit each other from 2020-2021 for reasons that i can't mention due to this subreddit's \*14th rule, but when i finally visited her 3 days ago, i saw how she acts regarding her two cats: 1. whenever she washes the cats' bowls, she washes them in the kitchen sink, the same place where her family puts their dishes. 2. she doesn't give her cats baths, even though they are indoor-outdoor cats. 3. she lets the cats sit and sleep on the couches and kitchen chairs. 4. she actually kisses her cats. the first things i noticed were 2 and 3, and i've expressed how they make me uncomfortable, and how it might make other guest uncomfortable in their house. she shrugged it off, saying that she doesn't give her cats baths because they bathe themselves, and she doesn't see an issue with where the cats sit as long as it wasn't on any tables where they eat. i cringed but i dropped it. then later, i saw her kiss her cat, and i reasonably said "gross!", but she glared at me saying she didn't know what the big deal was, she only kissed him on the forehead, not the lips; to which i said that is still very gross. the only time i actually got angry was when i saw her wash her cats' bowls in the kitchen sink, when i look at her surprised, and asked her if she knew what the hell she was doing. she looked puzzled and said that she was washing her cats' bowls, and i just said, no, no, you cannot do that, this is very much not okay. the plate that i ate pizza on earlier literally came into contact with cat spit. she gave excuses, like how there weren't any other dishes in the sink at the time, she never puts the cats' bowls in the dishwasher itself, she always cleans the sink thoroughly afterward, but i was not having this. i told her that no matter what, this wasn't okay at all, but she refused to listen to me, saying that if i didn't like it, i could bring my own paper plates here to eat off of, and i'm like.....why tf would i buy paper plates just to not get sick with some disease her cats carried when she could easily just not do all this gross stuff? anyway, she went on this rant all of this stuff was her business and that this shouldn't concern it, and i told her that if i wake up tomorrow morning with some sickness, i will 100% know it came from her cats, and then i left. most of our friends are saying i'm the ah, but i now idk anymore. am i the asshole?	4,362	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tgds9v/aita_for_confronting_my_friends_unsanitary/	2022-03-17 16:13:14	yta you are being extremely demanding, paranoid and judgmental. she's not doing anything wrong or out of the ordinary. cats don't need to be bathed very often because they groom themselves. if it's a dealbreaker for you, fine, end the friendship but you're being silly.	yta where did you get your notions about how to care for cats? i seriously thought i was gonna be reading about how someone never washed their bowls or changed the litter. she sounds like a great cat owner.	yta if the dish is washed why does it matter? cat salvia, human saliva all contains germs but may be eliminated with a good clean. > about 2 years ago she convinced her parents to finally get a pet, and she didn't get 1, but 2 kittens. i was a little bothered since i expressed my dislike for cats throughout the entire time we knew each other, but whatever. you crazy, you complaining about your friend getting a cat in her home.	yta you don't know much about owning cats, do you?	oh please try to bath a cat. i can’t wait to hear the damage they inflict for that. and how dare she treat her cats like family!	oh honey. yta. this is very normal behavior and you're going to get a lot of anger from pet owners here.	yta what business is it of yours to dictate what she does in her own house. you sound like an entitled whiny pain in the ass, and you're being dramatic. i completely agree with your friend telling you to bring paper plates. she was being kind - you wouldn't be welcome in my home	yta.. 1) where else is she supposed to wash the bowls? 2) you don't bathe cats 3) so what that they sleep on couches and chairs 4) people who love their cats will kiss their cat, this is normal i hate cats, butttt i don't see anything wrong with what your friend is doing? unsanitary? thats a bit extreme....	where else do you expect her to wash the cat bowls?! in the toilet? you need to gtfo. yta	yta. i can see you aren’t a cat person, which is okay and valid, we are a unique bunch. but there’s no reason for you to react so aggressively. she loves them. accept that. and avoid what you don’t want.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: throwaway, i don't want my family to see this. me (16f) and my best friend (also 16f) have known each other since 3rd grade and we love each other to the core. we have been through thick and thin, and i just want the best for her. about 2 years ago she convinced her parents to finally get a pet, and she didn't get 1, but 2 kittens. i was a little bothered since i expressed my dislike for cats throughout the entire time we knew each other, but whatever. anyway, we haven't really been able to visit each other from 2020-2021 for reasons that i can't mention due to this subreddit's \*14th rule, but when i finally visited her 3 days ago, i saw how she acts regarding her two cats: 1. whenever she washes the cats' bowls, she washes them in the kitchen sink, the same place where her family puts their dishes. 2. she doesn't give her cats baths, even though they are indoor-outdoor cats. 3. she lets the cats sit and sleep on the couches and kitchen chairs. 4. she actually kisses her cats. the first things i noticed were 2 and 3, and i've expressed how they make me uncomfortable, and how it might make other guest uncomfortable in their house. she shrugged it off, saying that she doesn't give her cats baths because they bathe themselves, and she doesn't see an issue with where the cats sit as long as it wasn't on any tables where they eat. i cringed but i dropped it. then later, i saw her kiss her cat, and i reasonably said "gross!", but she glared at me saying she didn't know what the big deal was, she only kissed him on the forehead, not the lips; to which i said that is still very gross. the only time i actually got angry was when i saw her wash her cats' bowls in the kitchen sink, when i look at her surprised, and asked her if she knew what the hell she was doing. she looked puzzled and said that she was washing her cats' bowls, and i just said, no, no, you cannot do that, this is very much not okay. the plate that i ate pizza on earlier literally came into contact with cat spit. she gave excuses, like how there weren't any other dishes in the sink at the time, she never puts the cats' bowls in the dishwasher itself, she always cleans the sink thoroughly afterward, but i was not having this. i told her that no matter what, this wasn't okay at all, but she refused to listen to me, saying that if i didn't like it, i could bring my own paper plates here to eat off of, and i'm like.....why tf would i buy paper plates just to not get sick with some disease her cats carried when she could easily just not do all this gross stuff? anyway, she went on this rant all of this stuff was her business and that this shouldn't concern it, and i told her that if i wake up tomorrow morning with some sickness, i will 100% know it came from her cats, and then i left. most of our friends are saying i'm the ah, but i now idk anymore. am i the asshole?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> throwaway, i don't want my family to see this. me (16f) and my best friend (also 16f) have known each other since 3rd grade and we love each other to the core. we have been through thick and thin, and i just want the best for her. about 2 years ago she convinced her parents to finally get a pet, and she didn't get 1, but 2 kittens. i was a little bothered since i expressed my dislike for cats throughout the entire time we knew each other, but whatever. anyway, we haven't really been able to visit each other from 2020-2021 for reasons that i can't mention due to this subreddit's \*14th rule, but when i finally visited her 3 days ago, i saw how she acts regarding her two cats: 1. whenever she washes the cats' bowls, she washes them in the kitchen sink, the same place where her family puts their dishes. 2. she doesn't give her cats baths, even though they are indoor-outdoor cats. 3. she lets the cats sit and sleep on the couches and kitchen chairs. 4. she actually kisses her cats. the first things i noticed were 2 and 3, and i've expressed how they make me uncomfortable, and how it might make other guest uncomfortable in their house. she shrugged it off, saying that she doesn't give her cats baths because they bathe themselves, and she doesn't see an issue with where the cats sit as long as it wasn't on any tables where they eat. i cringed but i dropped it. then later, i saw her kiss her cat, and i reasonably said "gross!", but she glared at me saying she didn't know what the big deal was, she only kissed him on the forehead, not the lips; to which i said that is still very gross. the only time i actually got angry was when i saw her wash her cats' bowls in the kitchen sink, when i look at her surprised, and asked her if she knew what the hell she was doing. she looked puzzled and said that she was washing her cats' bowls, and i just said, no, no, you cannot do that, this is very much not okay. the plate that i ate pizza on earlier literally came into contact with cat spit. she gave excuses, like how there weren't any other dishes in the sink at the time, she never puts the cats' bowls in the dishwasher itself, she always cleans the sink thoroughly afterward, but i was not having this. i told her that no matter what, this wasn't okay at all, but she refused to listen to me, saying that if i didn't like it, i could bring my own paper plates here to eat off of, and i'm like.....why tf would i buy paper plates just to not get sick with some disease her cats carried when she could easily just not do all this gross stuff? anyway, she went on this rant all of this stuff was her business and that this shouldn't concern it, and i told her that if i wake up tomorrow morning with some sickness, i will 100% know it came from her cats, and then i left. most of our friends are saying i'm the ah, but i now idk anymore. am i the asshole? [/INST] yta you are being extremely demanding, paranoid and judgmental. she's not doing anything wrong or out of the ordinary. cats don't need to be bathed very often because they groom themselves. if it's a dealbreaker for you, fine, end the friendship but you're being silly. </s>
AITA for asking my daughter for help?		12,181	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zp7xtj/aita_for_asking_my_daughter_for_help/	2022-12-18 20:46:04	yta >am i correct that my daughter is self centered and childish? nope that's a mirror you are looking at.	yta. this must be a joke… too many ridiculous assertions. the first, suggesting that sitting at a computer isn’t work/hard work. mainly, that you can be surprised she doesn’t want to visit when you just use her as an errand girl when she does. also, none of your requests were urgent so why on earth can’t she get them done in her own time?? if you’re asking a favour,don’t be so demanding.	yta. op, you’re only 54 and are expecting your daughter to run errands for you like she’s a paid shopping assistant. you played the “i’m your mom and you must obey me” card and you lost. i’m pushing 80 and i never ask my young relatives to do something for me that i’m capable of doing myself or hiring done. my mother had your philosophy — children are supposed to do for their mother — and she died alone in a nursing home because nobody could stand to be around her. read and learn.	yta how can you not see what a major ah you're being? she's a 28 year old grown woman and you're trying to boss her around like she's 14. she is very busy with her phd, yet you seem to think she's sitting on her ass doing nothing all day. guess what? she doesn't have to do a thing you tell her to do, just because you say it. get over yourself, you're not the center of the universe. i hope you're happy that you drove her out of the house and won't see her over the holidays, all over not being able to accept that she's now an adult with her own life.	yta, bucko. you raised a woman who takes her work seriously and now you can't handle it. your shopping issues don't take precedence just because you want them to.	yta you daughter is an adult woman who is nice enough to come visit you, which she doesn’t have to. it is not an obligation to spend time with you. she has tone of work to do and instead of respecting her work and respecting her boundaries, you demean her, her work and her efforts. if you need all those chores be done, why wouldn’t you do it yourself? 54 is more than capable to do simple tasks. would you ask guests who you invite to your house to do those tasks? i doubt it. but you think it’s ok to ask your adult daughter who is working on vacation because of highly demanding career she has. “she is sitting on her ass all day in from of computer” that’s what becoming a doctor takes. she is doing work on her vacation. phd is a very hard work, and you just demeaning all her work. you sound like a horrible dad. i wouldn’t be surprised that in few months you post here “my daughter went no contact, but all i have been is a loving father”. i am really surprised how some parents think they can treat a 28 y/o about to be a doctor like a high school kid who is playing video games all day.	you sound horrible. she is not your employee, she is a grown woman who owes you nothing. you checked her work calendar??? how dare you? for that gross overstep alone, you would not see me for at least 6 months. unbelievable lack of respect for her boundaries. yta	yta. she is grading, and those have to be submitted within (usually) 48 hours after the final exam takes place. she may be "sitting on her ass in front of a computer" but getting your phd is no joke. if it were easy, everyone would have one. it's hard work. also, she is an adult and is more than capable of deciding what to do with her day. she is not your personal assistant simply because she is home from school for the break.	"she said that she needs to have her grades done by today but i looked it up on the website and she has until monday evening so i called her on her bs, and she said she had "other work" due on monday so she needed to get the grading done today (but wouldn't enlighten me on what this mysterious "other work" is)." she won't enlighten you because it's none of your business. your daughter is busy and doesn't have time to run errands for you. read your post again and see if you can figure out who is self-centered and childish. yta.	>asking my daughter for help ok >i called my older daughter from work on friday and told her she needed to run and exchange it for a different one yta already for just blatantly lying to reddit when you've clearly just ordered her. >she said ok, she'd do it the next day. that's nice of her >i said it needed to be done that day i see you've joined r/choosingbeggars >i said i was busy to and didn't feel like running out what? she's also busy. you don't know everything that grad school is making her do. so if you're not just having a pissing contest with a grad student's workload, you're just self-importantly asserting that your time is more valuable than hers. >i said well tough, this needs to be picked up today tough what? you're the person that merely wants someone else to do your bidding for your nonessential tasks. >she can't constantly live like she's the only person on the planet this is projection.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context:	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> [/INST] yta >am i correct that my daughter is self centered and childish? nope that's a mirror you are looking at. </s>
AITA for not telling my daughter that we bought her brother a laptop?	my kids (f14, m17) have been insisting that i buy a laptop for them. they both have tablets that they use for school but they complained that they need a laptop. i could only afford one laptop and knowing my kids, they will fight over it every day if i make them share so i had to give it to one of them and i knew that my son needs it a lot more than my daughter so i bought one for him and to avoid drama i told him to just use it in his room and not to let his sister see it it was fine for a few days but then my daughter started to get suspicious about why my son spends all his time in his room so yesterday she ran to his room and opened the door without knocking and caught him using his laptop she literally threw a tantrum, like crying and screaming at us until i sent her to her room. she called her grandparents and told them about it and while they are on our side they say we are assholes for keeping it a secret so aita?	4,645	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y29ov7/aita_for_not_telling_my_daughter_that_we_bought/	2022-10-12 17:16:09	yta. of course your daughter found out. and of course she's upset - her parent went behind her back and got an (expensive) gift for her brother and then lied by omission about it. guess what you taught her: that her needs don't matter compared to her brother, you'll lie to her so she can't trust you, and she can't trust her brother either. adults would have sat down and had a conversation or worked out a schedule for them to share. too bad if it's harder for you. grow up.	yta i’m sorry but i’m just howling here trying to figure out what your long game was. did you actually not think this was going to blow up completely in your face??? it sucks not being able to afford two laptops but come on, are you seriously asking us right now if we’re surprised by the outcome of the situation you created??	yta for trying to keep it a secret. that was never going to work, and only going to cause more issues when she found out. but i think it’s reasonable to have bought it for your son since he needs it more now and, presumably, will shortly need an actual computer to take with him to college. you should have just told her that up front. not everyone always gets the same thing when they have different needs. equality v equity.	yta. lazy parenting. you could have easily bought a laptop, kept in a common area and given each child assigned times they could use for school work until you could afford to get another one.	yta. why in the world would you hide that you thought the laptop?	yta. here's how a non aha handles it. son is getting a laptop for school. it will help with college applications and such. daughter, when you are 17, you can get one too.	yta. my parents did this all the time with my siblings and now none of us talk to each other. you may think she is overreacting but you’re showing her where she stands in your life. be an adult and do better.	yta you dealt with the problem in the laziest way possible and now are dealing with the consequences. it sounds like your reason for giving your son the laptop was not based upon favoritism but you sure made it looked that way by asking him to lie and keeping weird little secrets from your daughter. you could have easily explained that she will get one when she is his age and facing the same type of need, a great lesson to teach a child.	yta for how you handled it! it's not wrong giving your oldest child a laptop first. but you should have explained for them both that you couldn't afford them a laptop each and since your son is older, he will get one first and you're saving for the next one. or just bought a laptop for you that you lent to them according to certain rules connected to school work and behavior. now you just learned your children that it's ok to lie and hide things.	yta. this is the laziest version of parenting i’ve ever seen someone openly admit to. tell your daughter that you could only afford 1 laptop and that you will get her one when she’s 17. honestly anything would have been better than lying. i would imagine that her piss poor reaction is the consequence of her lazy ass parents not teaching her healthy ways to deal with her emotions and then deciding it’s got to be easier to just lie than to be the actual adult here.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my kids (f14, m17) have been insisting that i buy a laptop for them. they both have tablets that they use for school but they complained that they need a laptop. i could only afford one laptop and knowing my kids, they will fight over it every day if i make them share so i had to give it to one of them and i knew that my son needs it a lot more than my daughter so i bought one for him and to avoid drama i told him to just use it in his room and not to let his sister see it it was fine for a few days but then my daughter started to get suspicious about why my son spends all his time in his room so yesterday she ran to his room and opened the door without knocking and caught him using his laptop she literally threw a tantrum, like crying and screaming at us until i sent her to her room. she called her grandparents and told them about it and while they are on our side they say we are assholes for keeping it a secret so aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my kids (f14, m17) have been insisting that i buy a laptop for them. they both have tablets that they use for school but they complained that they need a laptop. i could only afford one laptop and knowing my kids, they will fight over it every day if i make them share so i had to give it to one of them and i knew that my son needs it a lot more than my daughter so i bought one for him and to avoid drama i told him to just use it in his room and not to let his sister see it it was fine for a few days but then my daughter started to get suspicious about why my son spends all his time in his room so yesterday she ran to his room and opened the door without knocking and caught him using his laptop she literally threw a tantrum, like crying and screaming at us until i sent her to her room. she called her grandparents and told them about it and while they are on our side they say we are assholes for keeping it a secret so aita? [/INST] yta. of course your daughter found out. and of course she's upset - her parent went behind her back and got an (expensive) gift for her brother and then lied by omission about it. guess what you taught her: that her needs don't matter compared to her brother, you'll lie to her so she can't trust you, and she can't trust her brother either. adults would have sat down and had a conversation or worked out a schedule for them to share. too bad if it's harder for you. grow up. </s>
AITA for eating the only food at home that my little brother could eat?	we came back from our trip last night. it was late and my little brother neil(5m) and i(17f) were hungry. my parents bought two sandwiches for us. (i need to add that my parents are against fast food. the number of times i have eaten fast food in my entire life is less than 10 and i really love fast food) we got home and neil wes running around as usual while my parents tried to get him to sit down and eat but he grabbed the sandwich and ran. at one point he went to the bathroom and accidently dropped the sandwich there. he couldn't eat it anymore so my parents looked for something else for him to eat but we only had eggs at home and he doesn't eat eggs (sensory issues) and it was too late to get anything for him. my parents told me to give my sandwich to my brother and eat eggs instead. they said if i do this they will buy one for me tomorrow. i know they wouldn't because thats what they always do. every time i give neil something the next day i ask them when they are buying it for me and they say "oh we are not actually gonna buy it for you" so before anyone could take it i grabbed it went to my room locked the door and ate it. now i'm grounded and they say it was an ah move to make my little brother go to bed hungry	20,019	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wuoh27/aita_for_eating_the_only_food_at_home_that_my/	2022-08-22 09:02:14	nta. your parents need to realise that they can't "promise/unpromise" like that, and they need to have more in the house than just "eggs".	nta. they need to parent your brother better and not demand you give up your food while lying about replacing it. it’s just easier for them to reason with a 17-year-old than manage a 5-year-old who they clearly don’t set boundaries for.	nta your parents suck for not having enough food at home and for expecting you to go without dinner because they didn't supervise your little brother.	nta. it's your food and you were hungry. not only is it your parents responsibility to provide for both their children, it is also your parents responsibility to discipline their child without depriving their other child of everything. they could have bought your brother something else if they didn't have anything on hand for him. that being said, you did mention there were eggs at home for you to eat, so you suck slightly for that, but not enough that you tip into asshole territory. i'm only saying that because you noted that your parents have a track record with lying about getting things back to you that they force you to give away. edit to add: another reason i say nta is because they specifically grounded you for both their failure to parent (curbing your brother from being disobedient) and their refusal to provide for the both of you, which doubled as punishing you for fulfilling a basic need. you are their child, you were hungry, you needed to eat — just as your brother does. it is not your responsibility to forgo basic necessities to provide for your brother. it is their responsibility to provide for both of you. **	nta. you wouldn't have had to go hide in your room if your parents didn't regularly lie to you. also, you didn't let your brother go to bed hungry. they did. if they saw you go and eat the sandwich and their response was "well, nothing to be done. 5 yr old is gonna be super hungry, i guess" they are very obviously ta. they could go out and get another sandwich. plus, what was he going to eat for breakfast? if there was literally no food in the house apart from one thing he can't eat, they were going to run into the exact same situation tomorrow morning before they got to the shop.	how regularly are you having to give up food for your brother? apparently every time this happens they lie, so i'm curious as to how many times this has happened?	nta you wanted a sandwich. your parents bought you a sandwich. they then failed to parent their younger child. they then lied to you about buying you another sandwich and grounded you for eating the food they bought you.	nta. what makes your brother and his needs more important than yours? why take one child's food and give it to another? you parents should be better prepared with foods and items that your brother can eat. i am assuming he has some issues and that is why he only eats specific foods and that he is not just spoilt as the the youngest? it was completely wrong of your parents to demand you hand over your food and then to ground you when you did not.	nta i was saying asshole first, because though it was your sandwich he didn't drop his intentionally as he is so young and you could've compromised if your parents offered you another. but then i read that they only say it and never pull through. so it's really their fault you didn't give in again and be the idiot in the end because they lied again.	nta... you could have compromised and maybe would have if your parents were following through and actually would replace the sandwich. though they really need to parent to your brother. he needs to learn how and when to eat properly and not running around with food.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: we came back from our trip last night. it was late and my little brother neil(5m) and i(17f) were hungry. my parents bought two sandwiches for us. (i need to add that my parents are against fast food. the number of times i have eaten fast food in my entire life is less than 10 and i really love fast food) we got home and neil wes running around as usual while my parents tried to get him to sit down and eat but he grabbed the sandwich and ran. at one point he went to the bathroom and accidently dropped the sandwich there. he couldn't eat it anymore so my parents looked for something else for him to eat but we only had eggs at home and he doesn't eat eggs (sensory issues) and it was too late to get anything for him. my parents told me to give my sandwich to my brother and eat eggs instead. they said if i do this they will buy one for me tomorrow. i know they wouldn't because thats what they always do. every time i give neil something the next day i ask them when they are buying it for me and they say "oh we are not actually gonna buy it for you" so before anyone could take it i grabbed it went to my room locked the door and ate it. now i'm grounded and they say it was an ah move to make my little brother go to bed hungry	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> we came back from our trip last night. it was late and my little brother neil(5m) and i(17f) were hungry. my parents bought two sandwiches for us. (i need to add that my parents are against fast food. the number of times i have eaten fast food in my entire life is less than 10 and i really love fast food) we got home and neil wes running around as usual while my parents tried to get him to sit down and eat but he grabbed the sandwich and ran. at one point he went to the bathroom and accidently dropped the sandwich there. he couldn't eat it anymore so my parents looked for something else for him to eat but we only had eggs at home and he doesn't eat eggs (sensory issues) and it was too late to get anything for him. my parents told me to give my sandwich to my brother and eat eggs instead. they said if i do this they will buy one for me tomorrow. i know they wouldn't because thats what they always do. every time i give neil something the next day i ask them when they are buying it for me and they say "oh we are not actually gonna buy it for you" so before anyone could take it i grabbed it went to my room locked the door and ate it. now i'm grounded and they say it was an ah move to make my little brother go to bed hungry [/INST] nta. your parents need to realise that they can't "promise/unpromise" like that, and they need to have more in the house than just "eggs". </s>
AITA for kissing the homies goodnight?	this originated about two or three months ago, or whenever that “kissing your homies goodnight” meme was popular. my friends and i would always joke about it, and we thought it was funny, so whenever we would hang out, we started kissing each other goodbye. just a short peck, nothing serious or anything. it became sort of a tradition at the end of every hang out, and we kept doing it even after the meme died because we still thought it was funny. yesterday, i brought my girlfriend to hang out with us since she had never met these friends before. we all went to dinner, talked, and went back to one of my friend’s houses to watch tv. when it was time to leave, i kissed the homies, as is custom, and said goodbye. my girlfriend was not pleased. i had told her that we did it before, but she had assumed i wasn’t serious and was just referencing the meme. it escalated slightly, but i really don’t think it’s that bad. i equate it to kissing a family member, but she thinks it’s really weird. none of us are actually gay, and there is no attraction involved whatsoever. it might be a matter of personal opinion, but aita?	19,477	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/e8kend/aita_for_kissing_the_homies_goodnight/	2019-12-10 02:39:52	nta. stop shaming men for showing affection. i hug and kiss my friends all the time. my roommate kisses me goodnight every night. and it's seen as fine because i present femme. but as soon as a guy does it it's gay or not okay??? ridiculous. love your fucking friends.	nta keep ya homies and ditch ya girl, nothing wrong especially since you see it equivalent to kissing a family member. i dont get why people get so angry when they see dudes showing each other affection, get that stick outta your ass and kiss ur fuckin homies	nta. i'm in a couple of bands and we're all pretty manly men. we have beards down to our stomachs. we work tough jobs. we're electricians, tilers, plumbers, painters, tree guys, and office weenies (me). but we hug and tell each other to drive safe at the end of the night and never part company without a "love you, bro." homie love is legit love. never let anyone shame you for it.	yta....for only kissing the homies goodnight. they deserve better.	nah. maybe im in the minority here but every relationship has its boundaries, and for most people one of those boundaries is not kissing other people. i know u say that its just a peck for fun with ur friends but thats irrelevant, i would not be chill with watching my bf kiss someone else in front of me (even if its his "homies"). i dont think its wrong but i dont think its ok to do it if not kissing people is one of your gfs (reasonable) boundaries. she has communicated to you that she is uncomfortable with this, now you can choose whether to disregard her feelings and boundaries if this is a deal-breaker for you, or respect her boundaries here.	hahahaha if this is real, nta, my friends and i kiss on the cheek and stuff. it's just like family.	dude, a kiss on the cheek is ok, a kiss on the lips is not. and this is true for both men and women, it's not normal to kiss friends on the lips, and i can see why your girl was upset.	info: is this on the lips? this may not be a gendered thing, it may be that she's not used to seeing friends kiss on the lips. i'm a woman and while i have no problem with platonic lip kisses with female friends, it's also not a common thing at all for me or my friend group. perhaps it's just different approaches to platonic affection?	yta. i literally cannot believe the stance everyone has taken on this. you're kissing other people on the mouth while in a relationship? it has nothing to do with you being a man showing affection to your friends, you're kissing someone while you're dating someone for the memes. you're kissing someone you're not related to on the lips, she's not okay with it. she's not being controlling, she's expecting the bare minimum of "don't kiss a friend on the lips that's not me"	[removed]	NTA	NTA	NTA	YTA	NAH	NTA	null	INFO	YTA	null	0.390791	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: this originated about two or three months ago, or whenever that “kissing your homies goodnight” meme was popular. my friends and i would always joke about it, and we thought it was funny, so whenever we would hang out, we started kissing each other goodbye. just a short peck, nothing serious or anything. it became sort of a tradition at the end of every hang out, and we kept doing it even after the meme died because we still thought it was funny. yesterday, i brought my girlfriend to hang out with us since she had never met these friends before. we all went to dinner, talked, and went back to one of my friend’s houses to watch tv. when it was time to leave, i kissed the homies, as is custom, and said goodbye. my girlfriend was not pleased. i had told her that we did it before, but she had assumed i wasn’t serious and was just referencing the meme. it escalated slightly, but i really don’t think it’s that bad. i equate it to kissing a family member, but she thinks it’s really weird. none of us are actually gay, and there is no attraction involved whatsoever. it might be a matter of personal opinion, but aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> this originated about two or three months ago, or whenever that “kissing your homies goodnight” meme was popular. my friends and i would always joke about it, and we thought it was funny, so whenever we would hang out, we started kissing each other goodbye. just a short peck, nothing serious or anything. it became sort of a tradition at the end of every hang out, and we kept doing it even after the meme died because we still thought it was funny. yesterday, i brought my girlfriend to hang out with us since she had never met these friends before. we all went to dinner, talked, and went back to one of my friend’s houses to watch tv. when it was time to leave, i kissed the homies, as is custom, and said goodbye. my girlfriend was not pleased. i had told her that we did it before, but she had assumed i wasn’t serious and was just referencing the meme. it escalated slightly, but i really don’t think it’s that bad. i equate it to kissing a family member, but she thinks it’s really weird. none of us are actually gay, and there is no attraction involved whatsoever. it might be a matter of personal opinion, but aita? [/INST] nta. stop shaming men for showing affection. i hug and kiss my friends all the time. my roommate kisses me goodnight every night. and it's seen as fine because i present femme. but as soon as a guy does it it's gay or not okay??? ridiculous. love your fucking friends. </s>
AITA for taking my daughter to get her hair cut when I knew it would upset my wife?	me (29m) and my wife (30f) have a little girl (8f) who i'll be calling anna. now, anna has very thick, blonde and curly hair that my wife adores. ever since she was a toddler, she'd spend hours doing her hair every day, braiding it, straightening it and styling it in all sorts of ways. our bathroom cabinets are always filled to the brim with a bunch of hair lotions, oils, creams and other fancy products i don't even know the names of. so i think it's more than fair to say that my wife's a bit obsessed with the whole hair thing. anna, however, has never been too fond of getting her hair done, or of anything that involves having to sit still for more than a few minutes. before she got it cut, her hair used to reach past her waist. and while it looked lovely, she hated getting it brushed and every morning used to be a screaming fest between her and my wife. lately, she'd been begging for a shorter haircut. my wife ignored her whenever the topic was brought up in hopes that she'd forget about it, but none of that ended up happening. i think anna realized she was getting nowhere with her mom, because she started asking me to take her instead. i was reluctant to at first because i didn't know how my wife would react, but i agreed when i saw just how excited the kid was over something as simple as a haircut. so yesterday i drove her to the hairdresser, where she got to flip through a lot of magazines and pick a picture of a haircut. and when she chose a really short clipper cut, i knew i was gonna be in deep shit with my wife. at that point though, there was no turning back. i mean, what could i have really done? told her that no, she can't get the haircut she was so over the moon about, all because her mom wouldn't like it? i couldn't do that. so we went ahead with the haircut, and by the end of it anna couldn't stop smiling. she went around the salon showing it off to everyone and even asked me to take a bunch of pictures even though she normally hates having pictures taken of her. we did get one rude comment from an older woman at the salon, something along the lines of 'you can't even tell if she's a boy or a girl now', but anna was way too excited about her hair to notice, and if she did notice she didn't care. when my wife got home from work that day though, things quickly took a turn for the worse. she refused to even look at anna, locked herself in her room and cried then got in the car and drove off. it's been a day now and she's still not back, it's honestly starting to worry me. i knew she wouldn't react well to the haircut but i wasn't expecting her to take it this badly. the kid's upset too and no matter how much i reassure her she still thinks she's in trouble for getting her hair cut. aita? i realize how attached my wife was to anna's hair, but at the end of the day i still think it's just hair. the kid's old enough to decide these things for herself and she was really happy with the haircut, so i don't think i did something wrong here.	25,752	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uarm30/aita_for_taking_my_daughter_to_get_her_hair_cut/	2022-04-24 10:10:17	nta, but crying, locking herself away, and driving off are not normal responses, even for someone who is really upset. is something else going on with your wife?	this isn’t about anna’s hair. it’s about her body autonomy. i’ve made a few comments elsewhere, but this situation has been sitting on my mind. what your wife has been doing and is continuing to do is sending the message to anna that her body is not her own, and despite her own desires, she should put other people’s feeling about what she does with her body first. is this really the message you want your daughter learning? think about the long term implications of learning to give in to other people’s wants about her body. the other thing that is really concerning me is that you say that anna doesn’t like to sit for more than a few minutes. so how is her mum making her sit for hours getting her hair braided? bribery? manipulation? invalidation of her feelings? braiding can hurt if strands are accidentally pulled or it’s done too tight. if anna’s expressing that the styling is hurting what is happening? does it stop or does her mother get frustrated and ignore or dismiss her? there’s a whole boat load of concerning behaviours here from your wife that seriously need to be dealt with, but right now you need to make sure anna knows that she did the right thing, her hair is beautiful and none of this is her fault or responsibility.	is your wife a freaking mother gothel from tangled? does she love the child or does she love the hair ffs? nta, a kid has their right to choose what's being done with their body.	nta for taking her. she's 8 and she should have a say in how she wears her hair. but y t a for doing it behind your wife's back. btw your wife needs to seek professional help if this is how she reacts to a haircut.	nta. my mom never let me choose how i got my haircut, i’m now over 40 and still resent her for it. it’s just hair. your wife is being way over dramatic	nta. it was either you took her to get it cut or she got in the drawer and used the scissors.	nta you're a good parent for listening to your kid. you need to talk to your wife though because her reaction to a haircut is not healthy behavior.	nta i think it is actually insane that your wife is throwing a fit, and emphasize fit because i feel she is actually extremely childlike based on her reaction you described, over your child getting her hair cut. this actually even more ridiculous because it isn’t even something you we’re forcing on your child but something that she wanted. and to top it all off her hair will just grow back eventually if your child decides she doesn’t like it short. also in regards to another comment that another user made; you really should talk to your wife about her reaction because it is just ridiculous. tldr: nta, good for you for listening to your child and letting her explore different ways of expressing herself.	nta, your wife had plenty of time to prepare for this outcome when anna started asking her for a haircut. you listened to your daughter and helped her get what she needed. this is probably the time for your wife to learn that anna is her own person and has her own preferences. please don't stop advocating for your daughter.	soft yta, but not for letting the kid have a haircut she wanted, that part is fine. for not taking the time and effort to sit down with your wife first and talk it out, try and see why she was so attached to the hair, try and get her to see that it's really the kid's call, look for a solution. because this has to be about more than just hair, that is not a normal reaction to a child getting a haircut no matter how much you dislike it. you're gonna have to do that now and it's gonna be so much harder... and it's gonna be so much more upsetting for the kid who is now in danger of believing she has to choose between bodily autonomy and a relationship with her mother.	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	YTA	0.031039	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: me (29m) and my wife (30f) have a little girl (8f) who i'll be calling anna. now, anna has very thick, blonde and curly hair that my wife adores. ever since she was a toddler, she'd spend hours doing her hair every day, braiding it, straightening it and styling it in all sorts of ways. our bathroom cabinets are always filled to the brim with a bunch of hair lotions, oils, creams and other fancy products i don't even know the names of. so i think it's more than fair to say that my wife's a bit obsessed with the whole hair thing. anna, however, has never been too fond of getting her hair done, or of anything that involves having to sit still for more than a few minutes. before she got it cut, her hair used to reach past her waist. and while it looked lovely, she hated getting it brushed and every morning used to be a screaming fest between her and my wife. lately, she'd been begging for a shorter haircut. my wife ignored her whenever the topic was brought up in hopes that she'd forget about it, but none of that ended up happening. i think anna realized she was getting nowhere with her mom, because she started asking me to take her instead. i was reluctant to at first because i didn't know how my wife would react, but i agreed when i saw just how excited the kid was over something as simple as a haircut. so yesterday i drove her to the hairdresser, where she got to flip through a lot of magazines and pick a picture of a haircut. and when she chose a really short clipper cut, i knew i was gonna be in deep shit with my wife. at that point though, there was no turning back. i mean, what could i have really done? told her that no, she can't get the haircut she was so over the moon about, all because her mom wouldn't like it? i couldn't do that. so we went ahead with the haircut, and by the end of it anna couldn't stop smiling. she went around the salon showing it off to everyone and even asked me to take a bunch of pictures even though she normally hates having pictures taken of her. we did get one rude comment from an older woman at the salon, something along the lines of 'you can't even tell if she's a boy or a girl now', but anna was way too excited about her hair to notice, and if she did notice she didn't care. when my wife got home from work that day though, things quickly took a turn for the worse. she refused to even look at anna, locked herself in her room and cried then got in the car and drove off. it's been a day now and she's still not back, it's honestly starting to worry me. i knew she wouldn't react well to the haircut but i wasn't expecting her to take it this badly. the kid's upset too and no matter how much i reassure her she still thinks she's in trouble for getting her hair cut. aita? i realize how attached my wife was to anna's hair, but at the end of the day i still think it's just hair. the kid's old enough to decide these things for herself and she was really happy with the haircut, so i don't think i did something wrong here.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> me (29m) and my wife (30f) have a little girl (8f) who i'll be calling anna. now, anna has very thick, blonde and curly hair that my wife adores. ever since she was a toddler, she'd spend hours doing her hair every day, braiding it, straightening it and styling it in all sorts of ways. our bathroom cabinets are always filled to the brim with a bunch of hair lotions, oils, creams and other fancy products i don't even know the names of. so i think it's more than fair to say that my wife's a bit obsessed with the whole hair thing. anna, however, has never been too fond of getting her hair done, or of anything that involves having to sit still for more than a few minutes. before she got it cut, her hair used to reach past her waist. and while it looked lovely, she hated getting it brushed and every morning used to be a screaming fest between her and my wife. lately, she'd been begging for a shorter haircut. my wife ignored her whenever the topic was brought up in hopes that she'd forget about it, but none of that ended up happening. i think anna realized she was getting nowhere with her mom, because she started asking me to take her instead. i was reluctant to at first because i didn't know how my wife would react, but i agreed when i saw just how excited the kid was over something as simple as a haircut. so yesterday i drove her to the hairdresser, where she got to flip through a lot of magazines and pick a picture of a haircut. and when she chose a really short clipper cut, i knew i was gonna be in deep shit with my wife. at that point though, there was no turning back. i mean, what could i have really done? told her that no, she can't get the haircut she was so over the moon about, all because her mom wouldn't like it? i couldn't do that. so we went ahead with the haircut, and by the end of it anna couldn't stop smiling. she went around the salon showing it off to everyone and even asked me to take a bunch of pictures even though she normally hates having pictures taken of her. we did get one rude comment from an older woman at the salon, something along the lines of 'you can't even tell if she's a boy or a girl now', but anna was way too excited about her hair to notice, and if she did notice she didn't care. when my wife got home from work that day though, things quickly took a turn for the worse. she refused to even look at anna, locked herself in her room and cried then got in the car and drove off. it's been a day now and she's still not back, it's honestly starting to worry me. i knew she wouldn't react well to the haircut but i wasn't expecting her to take it this badly. the kid's upset too and no matter how much i reassure her she still thinks she's in trouble for getting her hair cut. aita? i realize how attached my wife was to anna's hair, but at the end of the day i still think it's just hair. the kid's old enough to decide these things for herself and she was really happy with the haircut, so i don't think i did something wrong here. [/INST] nta, but crying, locking herself away, and driving off are not normal responses, even for someone who is really upset. is something else going on with your wife? </s>
AITA for giving my best friend my money without consulting my wife?		3,988	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/leama0/aita_for_giving_my_best_friend_my_money_without/	2021-02-07 00:13:00	yta. 1. even though you don't normally consult your wife for every monetary transaction, this is different. you gave money to a girl that your wife feels is too close to you, and thinks is in love with you. even if she is wrong about sarah being in love with you, her feelings are understandable given how close you are, but you decided not to consider her feelings at all. 2. the fact that you didn't tell your wife means you knew she wouldn't be okay with it, and you did it anyway. 3. the fact that a mutual friend knew before your wife is a slap in the face to your wife.	yta let's shoe is on the other foot this. your wife has a male friend she's known since she was a kid. they're extremely close and lived together for years. you don't like this man, and you feel he's harboring some sort of more than friend feelings for your wife. you expressed this to your wife, she brushes it off and maintains the close bond she has with the man. so you try to suck it up and play nice, because hey they've been friends for years, and just maybe you aren't so sure if it came down to it, that your wife would distance herself from him if you asked. even though you're supposed to be life partners, and have a child together. it's a source of tension and insecurity. then you find out one day, from some one else that your wife gave him money and never mentioned it. didn't bring up that the friend is having a hard time. didn't mention in passing she was thinking of giving him money. didn't mention that money was given. didn't mention that, she told him not to worry about paying it back. depending on how much money we're talking, the lack of consulting is not the problem. the shit ass communication is. (if it's a "large" sum, you fucked up twice) if your friend is a sore point in your marriage, hiding when/what you do with said friend is not a good life choice. it's going to make it worse. do you hear me? worse. knock it off. stop undermining your marriage. if you have to hide it from your partner you should not be doing it.	yta do you not trust your wife enough to tell her who you loaned this to? you humiliated her by having her find out from a friend. you look like you went behind her back instead of rationally telling her. even if it isn’t from a joint account, you do realize paying to support another woman looks bad, right. this is why open communication exists within marriage.	yta. for me it wouldn’t be the consultation as in asking for permission. it would be the fact you did this without being open with your wife. how humiliating to find out from a mutual friend.	info: were you deliberately keeping it a secret from your wife?	yta. you’re not only paying for another woman’s application expenses - a significant expense - but you did it without telling your wife first. you didn’t tell your wife because you knew she wouldn’t like it. now it looks like you did it behind her back.	while i admire you helping out a friend, yta here op, because _whether or not there was a basis for your wife’s assertion, you knew your wife did not feel entirely comfortable with sarah._ because of that, it makes it extra shitty that you did this without discussing it with your wife - bonus shittiness because you then hid it, and _at best_ you were doing so to avoid her potentially criticising your decision - as though the “hassle” justifies your lies of omission over something massive. also if you’re trying to reassure your wife that there’s no reason to feel insecure about sarah, you literally couldn’t have gone about it in a worse way, so it feels like gaslighting. aside from the money itself, it’s the fact that you didn’t trust or care enough about your wife to believe that if you communicated, she would understand where you were coming from with your decision making and even if she didn’t love the idea, at least she would know why. instead, you just took her out of the equation, and then she had to hear about it from a third party. to say nothing of the fact that this was a gift and not a loan. not only that, but it doesn’t sit right with me that sarah was happy to keep this secret and not pay you back. proximity siblings or no, it’s weird that she supports you lying to your wife - a move that discourages her from _ever_ having a better relationship with erin, which would solve a lot of problems.	yta. one: you’re married. you should have talked to her. two: she didn’t even find out from you. i don’t know about her, but if i was in your wife’s shoes, i would be thinking that there’s something going on between the two of you. what you did was sketchy as hell.	nta " we get to spend the remainder of our money on whatever we want. i don’t consult her when i use my money and neither does she. " there you have it. it is not a secret unilateral decision using joint funds or wife's funds.	nta so, from new things you’ve added: -this money came from your own discretionary spending, not a joint account -you and your wife have both given money to people in the past without consulting one another -the sum of money was 3k—not even close to a month’s salary for you your wife’s problem here is not that you gave money to someone. it’s that you gave money to sarah, a person that she has major unfounded jealousy around simply because sarah is a friend you’ve had since childhood who happens to be a woman. your wife is being a major ah. you did nothing wrong.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	INFO	YTA	YTA	YTA	NTA	NTA	0.201556	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context:	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> [/INST] yta. 1. even though you don't normally consult your wife for every monetary transaction, this is different. you gave money to a girl that your wife feels is too close to you, and thinks is in love with you. even if she is wrong about sarah being in love with you, her feelings are understandable given how close you are, but you decided not to consider her feelings at all. 2. the fact that you didn't tell your wife means you knew she wouldn't be okay with it, and you did it anyway. 3. the fact that a mutual friend knew before your wife is a slap in the face to your wife. </s>
WIBTA for refusing to stop cooking bacon in my kitchen due to my teenage daughters vegan lifestyle?	dad here, old fart, loves his daughter to pieces but i’m struggling to see eye to eye with my teenager and wife on this one. we’ve always been a meat eating family, we live in the rural midwest and bacon for breakfast is pretty much a given. this year my 14 y/o daughter decided to go vegan, and i jumped onto her support team with enthusiasm. we learned how to substitute ingredients, cook new things, try new things, i adjusted our budget to include more expensive vegan substitutes for her, etc. none of this has been a problem for me until recently. she saw me cook bacon in a pan, and then i rinsed it out to load in the dishwasher. she exploded in anger (teen years, i’m not too fussed about the anger explosion, i know she doesn’t mean it) and said that that was her pan for vegan food. i was completely floored and said, kiddo this here is a family pan, older than you, it’s not your pan. she asked me to purchase her a pan that she can solely use for vegan food. i didn’t want her to feel weird about food, so i said sure, and ordered her a few colored ones that are only for her. the reason they’re colored is so it helps me remember that i’m not to touch them unless i’m cooking vegan. that wasn’t good enough. now apparently the dishwasher is ‘contaminated’ with animal product, and the fridge has ‘bacon grease fingers’ on it (because i eat bacon and then touch the fridge) and she’s asked me and her mom to completely stop eating meat at home. i don’t mean i literally touch the fridge with greasy bacon hands, because i wash my hands, but it’s clearly enough that it upsets my daughter. frankly i’m on team hell no, her mom is much more amenable and strongly wants me to consider taking our daughter up on the request. my wife’s reasoning is that both our parents live close so we can eat meat products there, and that she doesn’t want our daughter to feel uncomfortable in the kitchen. my daughter says she is fine with cheese and butter in the fridge, but it’s specifically meat products that make her feel sick. now i’m sorry for her, but i feel like she just needs to adapt and live side by side, because i’m not going to stop eating bacon in my own house.	51,279	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dkqv29/wibta_for_refusing_to_stop_cooking_bacon_in_my/	2019-10-20 22:19:11	nta. get her a special sponge she can use to wash her own dishes so she didn't have to use the "tainted" dishwasher.	as a teen who’s trying to go vegetarian, your daughter is acting ridiculous. “the dish washing machine’s tainted”? what kind of bull is that? and she shouldn’t be forcing you guys to go vegan in your own house if you don’t want to. you’ve been very supportive as it is, buying separate pans. ywnbta	nta, and i say that as a vegan. "cross contamination" is bs that militant vegans make up to make themselves feel superior to other vegans. and she has to understand that there's going to be meat around. i get that it upsets her, really, but unless she only lives with vegans for the rest of her life this is something she is going to have to get used to. a compromise might be too keep the meat in a drawer in the fridge rather than getting rid of it altogether. she's young, and a new vegan, so the good news is that she will probably grow out of/ease up on it. when you first go vegan you're so excited and feel so enlightened, like no one ever figured this out before you. then you get a little jaded and relax a bit. try to tough it out and keep talking to her. but no, you do not need to stop making/storing meat in your house just for her.	nta. she's 14. there is no middle ground at 14. my condolences, as it's going to be a long winter.	pfft had a vegan roommate in the past. he used the fridge and dishwasher just fine. time for a real world lesson for her - she's not always gonna live with people who share her food lifestyle. she's got to learn to compromise. there is no reason to inconvenience yourselves and others because she's being a dramatic teen. compromise - she has her own cookware and her own meat free section of the fridge.	nta. you're already being as supporting as you can, but at the end of the day it's your house. you don't need to bend the knee to your daughter over this.	nta, obviously. you've been supportive of her new diet choice and have been very accommodating by getting her pans to use for vegan food. she can't expect you to change your whole lifestyle to cater to her. meat needs to be kept in the fridge, and if the dishwasher is tainted then maybe she should try washing a dish by hand gasp.	you know the answer, i'm assuming this is for your wife 😄 you are accommodating despite it being irrational. it's now being pushed to a new level of irrational. explain to your daughter that you're trying to be as accommodating as possible but this is too far for you and there's no grounds for farther arguing because you don't have the same perspective as her. she might be mad at you, but when she has her own living space and gets to make the rules, she might understand why you don't want to be forced to go elsewhere to eat.	nta many vegans cohabitate successfully with meat eaters, your daughter is pushing the line here and being unreasonable. you have gone out of your way to support her dietary choices (i'm assuming that she washes her own pans and dishes by hand herself rather than using the contaminated dishwasher lol) it is time for her to learn how to coexist peacefully with people that dont think exactly like she does. i think you wife is 100% wrong here and is trying to take the easy way to avoiding an angsty teenager being difficult....this is a fantastic learning experience for your daughter in tolerance and compromise.	nta, but this actually sounds really complicated. teenage girls can have very contentious relationships with food, and that can express themselves in a lot of ways. i think you need to get more information going forward. she might just be a teen pushing limits and seeing what she can control. she might also genuinely be struggling with ideas about, “cleanliness” as it related to food.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: dad here, old fart, loves his daughter to pieces but i’m struggling to see eye to eye with my teenager and wife on this one. we’ve always been a meat eating family, we live in the rural midwest and bacon for breakfast is pretty much a given. this year my 14 y/o daughter decided to go vegan, and i jumped onto her support team with enthusiasm. we learned how to substitute ingredients, cook new things, try new things, i adjusted our budget to include more expensive vegan substitutes for her, etc. none of this has been a problem for me until recently. she saw me cook bacon in a pan, and then i rinsed it out to load in the dishwasher. she exploded in anger (teen years, i’m not too fussed about the anger explosion, i know she doesn’t mean it) and said that that was her pan for vegan food. i was completely floored and said, kiddo this here is a family pan, older than you, it’s not your pan. she asked me to purchase her a pan that she can solely use for vegan food. i didn’t want her to feel weird about food, so i said sure, and ordered her a few colored ones that are only for her. the reason they’re colored is so it helps me remember that i’m not to touch them unless i’m cooking vegan. that wasn’t good enough. now apparently the dishwasher is ‘contaminated’ with animal product, and the fridge has ‘bacon grease fingers’ on it (because i eat bacon and then touch the fridge) and she’s asked me and her mom to completely stop eating meat at home. i don’t mean i literally touch the fridge with greasy bacon hands, because i wash my hands, but it’s clearly enough that it upsets my daughter. frankly i’m on team hell no, her mom is much more amenable and strongly wants me to consider taking our daughter up on the request. my wife’s reasoning is that both our parents live close so we can eat meat products there, and that she doesn’t want our daughter to feel uncomfortable in the kitchen. my daughter says she is fine with cheese and butter in the fridge, but it’s specifically meat products that make her feel sick. now i’m sorry for her, but i feel like she just needs to adapt and live side by side, because i’m not going to stop eating bacon in my own house.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> dad here, old fart, loves his daughter to pieces but i’m struggling to see eye to eye with my teenager and wife on this one. we’ve always been a meat eating family, we live in the rural midwest and bacon for breakfast is pretty much a given. this year my 14 y/o daughter decided to go vegan, and i jumped onto her support team with enthusiasm. we learned how to substitute ingredients, cook new things, try new things, i adjusted our budget to include more expensive vegan substitutes for her, etc. none of this has been a problem for me until recently. she saw me cook bacon in a pan, and then i rinsed it out to load in the dishwasher. she exploded in anger (teen years, i’m not too fussed about the anger explosion, i know she doesn’t mean it) and said that that was her pan for vegan food. i was completely floored and said, kiddo this here is a family pan, older than you, it’s not your pan. she asked me to purchase her a pan that she can solely use for vegan food. i didn’t want her to feel weird about food, so i said sure, and ordered her a few colored ones that are only for her. the reason they’re colored is so it helps me remember that i’m not to touch them unless i’m cooking vegan. that wasn’t good enough. now apparently the dishwasher is ‘contaminated’ with animal product, and the fridge has ‘bacon grease fingers’ on it (because i eat bacon and then touch the fridge) and she’s asked me and her mom to completely stop eating meat at home. i don’t mean i literally touch the fridge with greasy bacon hands, because i wash my hands, but it’s clearly enough that it upsets my daughter. frankly i’m on team hell no, her mom is much more amenable and strongly wants me to consider taking our daughter up on the request. my wife’s reasoning is that both our parents live close so we can eat meat products there, and that she doesn’t want our daughter to feel uncomfortable in the kitchen. my daughter says she is fine with cheese and butter in the fridge, but it’s specifically meat products that make her feel sick. now i’m sorry for her, but i feel like she just needs to adapt and live side by side, because i’m not going to stop eating bacon in my own house. [/INST] nta. get her a special sponge she can use to wash her own dishes so she didn't have to use the "tainted" dishwasher. </s>
WIBTA to ask someone to return a baby gift i want a more expensive version of?	im having my first child in a couple of weeks and my in laws asked what i was missing to buy for the baby. i sent a link to a playpen that i wanted to get for the baby which is $125 on sale from $180. it is the color i want, with music and vibration features. it has multiple pockets and a big space for pampers bottles etc. plus it has near perfect reviews. yesterday my sil showed me the one they got me which is $90 but in a color i don’t like, with a smaller area to put baby things and no outside pocket. it was like they didn’t put in the effort to order the one i wanted and ordered the first one they saw at target. personally i feel awkward with these things and just said thank you and its cute but i truly don’t want it. wibta to request they return it and get the one i asked for and sent the link to?	5,293	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ysd99c/wibta_to_ask_someone_to_return_a_baby_gift_i_want/	2022-11-11 15:14:18	yta. in those situations, you return the gift yourself and pay the difference.	yta holy crap you sound entitled. return the gift yourself once they give it to you if you are that pressed about it.	ywbta. take the gift, return it and buy what you want.	absolutely yta. return it yourself if you want a better version, and pay the difference. this is terrible manners. frankly, if you asked me to return it for a better one, i'd just kinda... let it slide forever, because 1. you wouldn't deserve a gift anymore, and 2. i'd be afraid of getting the wrong thing again. sheesh	ywbta by asking them to return it and buy the one you want. you're not ta for wanting particular things. there are so many versions of so many baby products, and it can take such a long time to research and select the one that fits your growing family the best. but if you want something specific, don't ask someone else to get it for you. either keep it as an extra to keep at the grandparents house, or return it yourself and purchase the one you want. be appreciative of the fact that you have family that wants to help, as not everyone has that.	hey!’ i’ve been there. first kid jitters. you have this awesome mental image of what you want and need in your head, how it will work out, what’s best in your home, etc. i get it. however ywbta. ask for a gift receipt, or just exchange/return it. as long as it’s unopened most places will let you. alternately, if they really won’t give you a receipt even if it’s “jic i need it for the warranty” reasons, sell it online. donate it to a shelter. etc. when you’ve got this great mental image of your nursery and stuff and are so freaking excited it’s hard to separate that “but it’s not right” feeling from “how would i feel if” feeling. ask for a gift receipt, get your own playpen :) *we’ve used the same playpen for both kiddos. i used it primarily as a bassinet and then for the rare travel occasion. 🤷🏻‍♀️ the storage space is nice now, but i have a three tier rolling cart i love way more. diaper stuff on top. crib sheets in the middle. bath stuff on the bottom and it rolls room to room!	nta for wanting to return/exchange it but ywbta if you ask them to do it. if it's new and unopened you can likely return it yourself even without a receipt and then just pay the difference	woah you are a massive ah...cool down the ungrateful hormones your obviously a first time mom because you would know you won't ever use those features. maybe once or twice but most likely not...	nta some may say you should just be grateful that they got you anything; however, the time and energy that you put into researching baby items to determine which ones are the ones you want and the reasons why are completely valid. i did this as well when i had my kids and ended up never using things that people got me but were "their version" of what was either requested or on the registry. realistically you'll most likely end up getting the one you researched already and the one they bought you will end up not used. if money is an issue, you can ask for a gift receipt so you can return it and get the version you researched and decided on.	"your gift isn't good enough/not the one i wanted!" ywbta	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	NTA	null	NTA	YTA	0.164243	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: im having my first child in a couple of weeks and my in laws asked what i was missing to buy for the baby. i sent a link to a playpen that i wanted to get for the baby which is $125 on sale from $180. it is the color i want, with music and vibration features. it has multiple pockets and a big space for pampers bottles etc. plus it has near perfect reviews. yesterday my sil showed me the one they got me which is $90 but in a color i don’t like, with a smaller area to put baby things and no outside pocket. it was like they didn’t put in the effort to order the one i wanted and ordered the first one they saw at target. personally i feel awkward with these things and just said thank you and its cute but i truly don’t want it. wibta to request they return it and get the one i asked for and sent the link to?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> im having my first child in a couple of weeks and my in laws asked what i was missing to buy for the baby. i sent a link to a playpen that i wanted to get for the baby which is $125 on sale from $180. it is the color i want, with music and vibration features. it has multiple pockets and a big space for pampers bottles etc. plus it has near perfect reviews. yesterday my sil showed me the one they got me which is $90 but in a color i don’t like, with a smaller area to put baby things and no outside pocket. it was like they didn’t put in the effort to order the one i wanted and ordered the first one they saw at target. personally i feel awkward with these things and just said thank you and its cute but i truly don’t want it. wibta to request they return it and get the one i asked for and sent the link to? [/INST] yta. in those situations, you return the gift yourself and pay the difference. </s>
AITA for agreeing to go to a restaurant that only serves spicy food when I can’t handle anything spicy?	my (37m) wife’s (35f) birthday was this past weekend and she wanted to go to this specialty sichuan restaurant because she is from that region. sichuan food is known to be really spicy, and is a lot more than i can handle. she knows i can’t do spicy, and we’ve been trying to work on my tolerance with her cooking, but it’s still not that good. i told her this and suggested we go to a regular chinese restaurant, but she claimed it’s not the same. she said there will be non spicy options and at worst, she can ask them to make it not spicy. she clung to me and gave me those cute eyes that i couldn’t say no to, so i gave in and agreed. it’s her birthday so i didn’t want to ruin her day. well turns out i did anyway. we were at the restaurant and the entire menu was in chinese. they had an english one but it didn’t really tell me what was spicy and what wasn’t. i let her order a few dishes, the food came, and it was all spicy. even the ones she said weren’t. i tried to eat it, but i couldn’t so i asked her if she can ask them to make it less spicy. she told me to take it slowly and to eat more rice. but i wasn’t enjoying it and asked her again. she got a little huffy but called the waiter over. the waiter kind of gave me a look, like one of those confused “why are you here?” looks, but took a dish back. it came back out and it was not as spicy but still has a kick. i think it was the sauce they’re using or something. i told the waiter it’s still spicy for me, and the waiter said they can’t make it any less spicy than that. my wife was getting embarrassed i think, because the tables next to us were all looking now. when the waiter went away, i asked her if we can go to another restaurant. she said she didn’t want to, since we’re already here and we already have food on the table. i may be ta here because i started getting frustrated and saying that we’ve been out all day, and i haven’t eaten and now i won’t be able to eat because everything is spicy. she told me to just eat the rice and we’ll get something for me after. i got really offended by that and got up and left, walked around for a bit to cool down then came back to see her by our car. she was furious and said i embarrassed her. i said she knew i couldn’t handle spicy, and she said i shouldn’t have agreed to the restaurant. aita for agreeing? in hindsight, i could’ve probably eaten the dish that came back with a lot of rice…but i wouldn’t enjoy it. i don’t think i can get used to spicy food.	5,024	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s2ea0l/aita_for_agreeing_to_go_to_a_restaurant_that_only/	2022-01-12 19:12:24	yta. your wife is homesick and this was her birthday. you could have just eaten the rice, or held out until dessert, or get mcdonalds afterwards. this seemed really important to her, and you made a scene, come on dude. you could have planned for this by yes, not agreeing, inviting some additional friends and eating beforehand, or tried to find a compromise. she even told you how to not ruin the evening, but you threw a tantrum. that really wasn't fair here and you owe her an apology. &#x200b; i/n/f/o: does your wife miss her home region? could you have sucked it up and just eaten the rice?	i don't eat spicy food and in your place, i would have suck it up and eaten plain rice. it was her birthday, her day to be happy and she wanted to eat food from her region, it was one meal >in hindsight, i could’ve probably eaten the dish that came back with a lot of rice… exactly >but i wouldn’t enjoy it. whatever!!!! who cares???? man... it was her birthday, her day and you made/ still make it all about you and ruined it!! >i don’t think i can get used to spicy food. again, whatever!! yta	i actually was on your side until the end. you were a great partner to go with her, and to play the game. she was a good partner to reorder a dish for you and you gamely try to eat it. where it all fell apart is the moment you threw a little snit/tantrum. 1. it was your wife's birthday. 2. this was her choice of restaurant, for her birthday. 3. which you agreed to. 4. she tried to accommodate you after you had not only sat down but ordered and received your food. 5. she gave you a second reasonable accommodation: eat the rice, we'll get you something afterwards. and also an implied reason to stay: we've already ordered, this was my choice, i'm still hungry, and i still want to eat, and if any day should be about me it's today and you're making it about you. 6. you then (a) "got frustrated" (pitched a lil hanger fit), (b) got up and left, and (c) didnt come back until she was at the car!!! probably waiting for you! on her birthday! yeah. yta.	yta. it's her birthday. suck it up for one day a year and just eat the fucking rice and stop complaining.	yta. it was her birthday. just eat some rice and soup for the hour and get something afterwards? you telling me you couldn't handle eating an appetizer or two on your wife's birthday for one hour to make her happy?	yeah yta i can’t tell you how many places i’ve gone to for peoples birthdays where i wasn’t into or couldn’t eat mains. you suck it up, celebrate their birthday by letting them eat something they love and have a side dish and a drink. you had a tantrum and stormed off like a toddler.	yta for the way you acted after agreeing, not because you agreed. asking the waiter once to have your food redone was the only acceptable way to deal with this. complaining, asking to leave, and getting up from the table were all inappropriate and extremely immature. you're an adult, you could have simply waited until after the dinner to eat something. you owe your wife a huge apology.	esh. there were a bunch of ways to make this work, but neither of you really put the effort in. she backed off as soon as getting you something non-spicy was mildly inconvenient, then spun it as you being the issue. and you knew you were going to a restaurant where you might not get a full meal, and you didn't prepare, and then you blamed your wife even though you're an adult. observe: "husband, i would like to go to this restaurant for my birthday. i know you might not be able to find something that isn't spicy, but it would mean a lot to me. i'll do my best to get you something mild but i can't make any promises. at the very least i won't be embarrassed to make that request because i don't think it's problematic for you to have a reasonable dietary preference." "wife, i consider this plan to be reasonable. i will make sure i have a late lunch or bring snacks, because i am grown ass man who can take care of himself. i will resign myself to eating white rice to tide myself over, and i won't whine about it and make everything about me because it's your birthday." end scene.	esh you could have handled it better and so could your wife. for the future try telling the waiter this right in the beginning: i'm so sorry for asking. it's quite embarrassing but i can't handle spicy food. it's my wife's birthday and i want to make her happy. if it is at all possible could you just steam some vegetables for me and i will eat them with some soy sauce and rice. i would really appreciate it. and then tip him like crazy in advance!	yta you should have let her enjoy her dinner, relaxed and had fun spending the evening with her, and picked something else up for yourself on the way home. instead, you made the evening uncomfortable for everyone.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	ESH	ESH	YTA	0.002	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my (37m) wife’s (35f) birthday was this past weekend and she wanted to go to this specialty sichuan restaurant because she is from that region. sichuan food is known to be really spicy, and is a lot more than i can handle. she knows i can’t do spicy, and we’ve been trying to work on my tolerance with her cooking, but it’s still not that good. i told her this and suggested we go to a regular chinese restaurant, but she claimed it’s not the same. she said there will be non spicy options and at worst, she can ask them to make it not spicy. she clung to me and gave me those cute eyes that i couldn’t say no to, so i gave in and agreed. it’s her birthday so i didn’t want to ruin her day. well turns out i did anyway. we were at the restaurant and the entire menu was in chinese. they had an english one but it didn’t really tell me what was spicy and what wasn’t. i let her order a few dishes, the food came, and it was all spicy. even the ones she said weren’t. i tried to eat it, but i couldn’t so i asked her if she can ask them to make it less spicy. she told me to take it slowly and to eat more rice. but i wasn’t enjoying it and asked her again. she got a little huffy but called the waiter over. the waiter kind of gave me a look, like one of those confused “why are you here?” looks, but took a dish back. it came back out and it was not as spicy but still has a kick. i think it was the sauce they’re using or something. i told the waiter it’s still spicy for me, and the waiter said they can’t make it any less spicy than that. my wife was getting embarrassed i think, because the tables next to us were all looking now. when the waiter went away, i asked her if we can go to another restaurant. she said she didn’t want to, since we’re already here and we already have food on the table. i may be ta here because i started getting frustrated and saying that we’ve been out all day, and i haven’t eaten and now i won’t be able to eat because everything is spicy. she told me to just eat the rice and we’ll get something for me after. i got really offended by that and got up and left, walked around for a bit to cool down then came back to see her by our car. she was furious and said i embarrassed her. i said she knew i couldn’t handle spicy, and she said i shouldn’t have agreed to the restaurant. aita for agreeing? in hindsight, i could’ve probably eaten the dish that came back with a lot of rice…but i wouldn’t enjoy it. i don’t think i can get used to spicy food.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my (37m) wife’s (35f) birthday was this past weekend and she wanted to go to this specialty sichuan restaurant because she is from that region. sichuan food is known to be really spicy, and is a lot more than i can handle. she knows i can’t do spicy, and we’ve been trying to work on my tolerance with her cooking, but it’s still not that good. i told her this and suggested we go to a regular chinese restaurant, but she claimed it’s not the same. she said there will be non spicy options and at worst, she can ask them to make it not spicy. she clung to me and gave me those cute eyes that i couldn’t say no to, so i gave in and agreed. it’s her birthday so i didn’t want to ruin her day. well turns out i did anyway. we were at the restaurant and the entire menu was in chinese. they had an english one but it didn’t really tell me what was spicy and what wasn’t. i let her order a few dishes, the food came, and it was all spicy. even the ones she said weren’t. i tried to eat it, but i couldn’t so i asked her if she can ask them to make it less spicy. she told me to take it slowly and to eat more rice. but i wasn’t enjoying it and asked her again. she got a little huffy but called the waiter over. the waiter kind of gave me a look, like one of those confused “why are you here?” looks, but took a dish back. it came back out and it was not as spicy but still has a kick. i think it was the sauce they’re using or something. i told the waiter it’s still spicy for me, and the waiter said they can’t make it any less spicy than that. my wife was getting embarrassed i think, because the tables next to us were all looking now. when the waiter went away, i asked her if we can go to another restaurant. she said she didn’t want to, since we’re already here and we already have food on the table. i may be ta here because i started getting frustrated and saying that we’ve been out all day, and i haven’t eaten and now i won’t be able to eat because everything is spicy. she told me to just eat the rice and we’ll get something for me after. i got really offended by that and got up and left, walked around for a bit to cool down then came back to see her by our car. she was furious and said i embarrassed her. i said she knew i couldn’t handle spicy, and she said i shouldn’t have agreed to the restaurant. aita for agreeing? in hindsight, i could’ve probably eaten the dish that came back with a lot of rice…but i wouldn’t enjoy it. i don’t think i can get used to spicy food. [/INST] yta. your wife is homesick and this was her birthday. you could have just eaten the rice, or held out until dessert, or get mcdonalds afterwards. this seemed really important to her, and you made a scene, come on dude. you could have planned for this by yes, not agreeing, inviting some additional friends and eating beforehand, or tried to find a compromise. she even told you how to not ruin the evening, but you threw a tantrum. that really wasn't fair here and you owe her an apology. &#x200b; i/n/f/o: does your wife miss her home region? could you have sucked it up and just eaten the rice? </s>
AITA for telling my SIL I needed the guest house more than her son?	i 24f is currently living with my brother and his family. they have 6, yes, 6 kids from age 19 to 1 1/2. the youngest is the only girl. i moved in with my brother after my relationship went sour. it was horrible. we were never close because he is 16 years older than me. after my 4 year relationship ended, i had nowhere to go and i asked my brother if he could help me out. he invited me into his house. they have a guest house which he said i could stay but he said it needed renovations first so i got a room in the main house. while my brother and his family are quite comfy and earns a lot. as i said, 6 kids and they are loud and i prefer a quiet space. the house is quite huge and i have my own bedroom but it is just awful honestly. sil is a sahm and she is great with the kids, they listen to her and whatnot but they are just too much and too loud. renovations happened and sil has been saying her oldest child should move in so he can have his own space. sil told her son about it and he was quite excited to have his own space. i spoke to my brother since i thought i'd get it but he told me his son needs space and whatnot. i went to sil and asked her about it last night and she told me no. i explained it to her and she still said no. i told her i needed it more. the kids had everything handed down to them and my brother told me i could stay at the guest house. it's just so upsetting. saying i needed it more is causing some issues. aita? after explaining my side, my friends agreed with me.	7,437	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uc4t5l/aita_for_telling_my_sil_i_needed_the_guest_house/	2022-04-26 04:57:31	yta. you're upset that your aid package isn't larger. your brother is under no obligation to house you, let alone provide you with the guest house.	yta. move out if you want your own space, you are an adult and your brother shouldn’t have to support you. unless you have a lease and pay rent for the guest house it’s their house/guest house, they decide who gets it. honestly sounds like they have a 7th child.	yta. it’s their house. they choose what to be done with it. end of story. if you want more explanation: you begged for a place to stay when sh*t hit the fan. despite not being close, he/they still took you in. it’s not good enough for you? then move out. (personally, if i’m concerned a guest is going to be overstaying their welcome, i’m not giving them a guest house.)	are you paying for rent/utilities/groceries or helping with chores or the children?	yta. for someone with no leg to stand on you sure are entitled. of course your idiot friends would back you. go stay with them if you want space.	yta. you aren't owed their guest house, and this may be a not so discrete message to you from sil that you should be thinking about finding your own place.	yta! your brother let you move in to his house, and you bitch and moan about their kids, and you feel that you should get the guest house because the kids have everything handed to them? your entitlement boggles my mind. you are 21; you are an adult! go find your own place if you want peace and quiet.	yta - you should cross post this to r/choosingbeggars	yta. this isn't something you can demand when your brother and his family are doing you a favor. do you think your sil wants you getting more comfy staying with them? i'd bet that's a big nope. are you renting or just child #7?	yta. i know i'm in the minority on this sub, because while i don't think your brother should have any official obligation to help you, i do think that in general, family members should help one another if they can without serious hardship, and if the family member isn't an ungrateful ah about it. you've just moved into ungrateful ah territory. they're letting you live with them, and don't think i didn't notice you not specifying how long you've been staying, or if you've been contributing in any way. i'm not saying you need to kiss the ground your brother walks on, but you do need to realize when someone's doing you a favor, and not try to complain and be greedy.	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i 24f is currently living with my brother and his family. they have 6, yes, 6 kids from age 19 to 1 1/2. the youngest is the only girl. i moved in with my brother after my relationship went sour. it was horrible. we were never close because he is 16 years older than me. after my 4 year relationship ended, i had nowhere to go and i asked my brother if he could help me out. he invited me into his house. they have a guest house which he said i could stay but he said it needed renovations first so i got a room in the main house. while my brother and his family are quite comfy and earns a lot. as i said, 6 kids and they are loud and i prefer a quiet space. the house is quite huge and i have my own bedroom but it is just awful honestly. sil is a sahm and she is great with the kids, they listen to her and whatnot but they are just too much and too loud. renovations happened and sil has been saying her oldest child should move in so he can have his own space. sil told her son about it and he was quite excited to have his own space. i spoke to my brother since i thought i'd get it but he told me his son needs space and whatnot. i went to sil and asked her about it last night and she told me no. i explained it to her and she still said no. i told her i needed it more. the kids had everything handed down to them and my brother told me i could stay at the guest house. it's just so upsetting. saying i needed it more is causing some issues. aita? after explaining my side, my friends agreed with me.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i 24f is currently living with my brother and his family. they have 6, yes, 6 kids from age 19 to 1 1/2. the youngest is the only girl. i moved in with my brother after my relationship went sour. it was horrible. we were never close because he is 16 years older than me. after my 4 year relationship ended, i had nowhere to go and i asked my brother if he could help me out. he invited me into his house. they have a guest house which he said i could stay but he said it needed renovations first so i got a room in the main house. while my brother and his family are quite comfy and earns a lot. as i said, 6 kids and they are loud and i prefer a quiet space. the house is quite huge and i have my own bedroom but it is just awful honestly. sil is a sahm and she is great with the kids, they listen to her and whatnot but they are just too much and too loud. renovations happened and sil has been saying her oldest child should move in so he can have his own space. sil told her son about it and he was quite excited to have his own space. i spoke to my brother since i thought i'd get it but he told me his son needs space and whatnot. i went to sil and asked her about it last night and she told me no. i explained it to her and she still said no. i told her i needed it more. the kids had everything handed down to them and my brother told me i could stay at the guest house. it's just so upsetting. saying i needed it more is causing some issues. aita? after explaining my side, my friends agreed with me. [/INST] yta. you're upset that your aid package isn't larger. your brother is under no obligation to house you, let alone provide you with the guest house. </s>
AITA: did not want bad coffee as a gift	my friend went to a foreign country outside of the united states in europe and came back with gifts. my friend knew i like coffee so he got me coffee that i know i won't drink. it's a dark roast and there's no roast by date, which means it's not fresh. i gently put it back in the bag and politely told them why i don't drink that kind of coffee. him and his friends said i was being ungrateful and rude and that i shouldn't have thrown the coffee in the bag, which i didn't. tl/dr aita for not accepting a gift i wouldn't use?	13,233	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ym9pow/aita_did_not_want_bad_coffee_as_a_gift/	2022-11-04 20:37:22	yta. jeez, could you have been more snobby? you could have just accepted it and not used it rather than your pretentious “i only use fresh beans.	yta- it was a gift. it’s the thought that counts. you should have just graciously accepted it and thrown it away/given it away when they aren’t around.	when you’re all alone on holidays and your birthday and no one gets you a gift, remember this post.	yta. the correct response would have been "thank you for the thoughtful gift." then do what you want with it later. but instead, you sounded like a pretentious ah. they called you out on this so you already know yta.	maybe you’ll accept the judgment from me. i’m a coffee snob. i check the water temperature, only use fresh beans that i grind myself right before brewing and yes. i don’t “make coffee”. i brew it. and this exact thing happened to me. word for word. and i said “oh wow, thank you for thinking of me and bringing me a bag of coffee from 2000 miles away”. yta	yta, you could have either accepted and given it away later or gotten rid of it. your reaction is somewhat rude and unappreciative. gifts are more about the thoughtfulness. also, you could have tried it.	you said, i only use fresh coffee beans, what your friend hears, what kind of moron are you? don’t you know what kind of coffee i drink? keep your worthless gift, idiot.yta	yta - are you a child? you accept a gift, say thank you, and smile. then you deal with it privately if it’s something you don’t like. polite society…. what’s happened to manners?	yta. your friend did a thoughtful thing. the kind thing would have been to accept it and dispose of or repurpose it later. look, i'm a snob when it comes to coffee and lots of other foodstuffs. when someone gives me something that i know i won't like i just suck it up and say thanks. btw, i've been given less than stellar coffee in the past and i just made cold brew because you can't tell the difference in bean quality with cold brew and it's the best way to use up stale beans without wasting them.	yta and based on your responses, i'm shocked that you have friends who buy you gifts. you have no idea when the beans were roasted, they could have been fresh. say thank you, try a cup, and if it's no good then toss it. simple. you don't need to insult your friend by returning the gift	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my friend went to a foreign country outside of the united states in europe and came back with gifts. my friend knew i like coffee so he got me coffee that i know i won't drink. it's a dark roast and there's no roast by date, which means it's not fresh. i gently put it back in the bag and politely told them why i don't drink that kind of coffee. him and his friends said i was being ungrateful and rude and that i shouldn't have thrown the coffee in the bag, which i didn't. tl/dr aita for not accepting a gift i wouldn't use?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my friend went to a foreign country outside of the united states in europe and came back with gifts. my friend knew i like coffee so he got me coffee that i know i won't drink. it's a dark roast and there's no roast by date, which means it's not fresh. i gently put it back in the bag and politely told them why i don't drink that kind of coffee. him and his friends said i was being ungrateful and rude and that i shouldn't have thrown the coffee in the bag, which i didn't. tl/dr aita for not accepting a gift i wouldn't use? [/INST] yta. jeez, could you have been more snobby? you could have just accepted it and not used it rather than your pretentious “i only use fresh beans. </s>
AITA for leaving a $0 tip at a restaurant?	so my wife (34f) forgets her id and i (33m) order a drink at a restaurant we frequent often. obviously they wouldn’t serve my wife a drink because she couldn’t present an id. we could be considered regulars with how often we are there. regularly spend $150-200 a night and tip 20-30%. the people working tonight are not the regular staff. my wife has maybe 3 discreet sips of my drink (not in front of the server) and i want to order another drink. the server refuses to give me another drink because he says we are sharing drinks and watching our table like we are little kids. mind you the whole time he sets up people in the restaurant to police us and watch our table when he can’t. barely gives any service. except when we’re done with our food. i have no problem with them not serving my wife because yes the law says no drinks if you don’t have id, but you deny me a grown 33 year old man with a wedding ring on a second drink. even if the liquor board is there they check to make sure people who are drinking are id’ed. they’re not going to make a fuss if someone has a sip who is obviously over 21. none of your business what happens at our table. you’re not top flight security. left a $0 tip. aita?	6,446	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uc23vn/aita_for_leaving_a_0_tip_at_a_restaurant/	2022-04-26 02:25:45	yta. it's your wife's fault not the server. alcohol laws are strict and businesses can lose their license over people like you. then you leave no tip for someone making 3 dollars an hour because your wife forgot her id.	yta. if you forget your id, you cannot drink. your wife forgot her id. you should have either gone back for it or not ordered drinks. the restaurant could lose its liquor license for serving you without an id. i wouldn't go back to that restaurant, btw. you made a fuss over your mistake and then didn't tip, and if you go back to that restaurant your food will be 80% spit by volume.	yta. for all they know, you’re undercover cops testing them	yta. it actually is their business what happens at your table with the alcohol they served you. the only person to blame for your wife forgetting her id is her. you decided not to tip because they were following the law. grow up. learn to face the consequences of your own actions.	yta. the server and bartender could have lost their jobs and the restaurant could have lost their liquor license if they had served you. those laws are pretty strict, and the people who check are undercover most of the time. it’s not the server’s fault that your wife forgot her id, but you decided to punish them anyway for it. of course they were all watching you, you were blatantly ignoring the rules. chances are good that if they were all watching you that closely, someone got fired there recently for serving someone without id or they were due for an undercover visit soon. totally not worth the restaurant losing their liquor license just because one person or couple feels entitled to drink at a time when it’s against the rules for them to do so. you being a regular doesn’t matter, the restaurant can vouch for you all they want, but if you can’t prove you are of age with id, they are the ones who bear legal responsibility.	yta. it is absolutely the waitstaff's business what happens at your table, that's their job. to wait on your table. also, most jurisdictions have harsh and chilling penalties for serving people who don't present id - in mine, the restaurant can be fined $50,000 and the server can be fined $10,000 for violating this rule, and the government sends mystery shoppers around to ensure compliance. your server values their job.	info: what does wearing a ring have to do with anything? 18 year olds are getting married these days, and people that aren't married also wear rings on their ring finger. if its law you need id to indulge in alcohol, then the server is right. you are not. yta for not tipping because you had a tantrum over being denied a second drink.	nta. everyone saying yta is acting like he left no tip because they didn't serve his wife that wasn't why he left no tip. did nobody read the part where even after he refused to serve him another drink he stationed others around the room to watch them. why? what did he think they were going to do? and then they barely got the basic service that is expected at any restaurant. i wouldn't have tipped them either	yta. the server, bartender, and restaurant can all get fined for serving alcohol to someone without an id.	you're lucky they didn't kick you out of the restaurant. they are required to verify the age of everyone consuming alcohol, not just the person who orders. not only does it put the restaurant's liquor license at stake, but the server can have their service permit revoked or even face legal penalties. yta.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	INFO	NTA	YTA	YTA	0.057628	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so my wife (34f) forgets her id and i (33m) order a drink at a restaurant we frequent often. obviously they wouldn’t serve my wife a drink because she couldn’t present an id. we could be considered regulars with how often we are there. regularly spend $150-200 a night and tip 20-30%. the people working tonight are not the regular staff. my wife has maybe 3 discreet sips of my drink (not in front of the server) and i want to order another drink. the server refuses to give me another drink because he says we are sharing drinks and watching our table like we are little kids. mind you the whole time he sets up people in the restaurant to police us and watch our table when he can’t. barely gives any service. except when we’re done with our food. i have no problem with them not serving my wife because yes the law says no drinks if you don’t have id, but you deny me a grown 33 year old man with a wedding ring on a second drink. even if the liquor board is there they check to make sure people who are drinking are id’ed. they’re not going to make a fuss if someone has a sip who is obviously over 21. none of your business what happens at our table. you’re not top flight security. left a $0 tip. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> so my wife (34f) forgets her id and i (33m) order a drink at a restaurant we frequent often. obviously they wouldn’t serve my wife a drink because she couldn’t present an id. we could be considered regulars with how often we are there. regularly spend $150-200 a night and tip 20-30%. the people working tonight are not the regular staff. my wife has maybe 3 discreet sips of my drink (not in front of the server) and i want to order another drink. the server refuses to give me another drink because he says we are sharing drinks and watching our table like we are little kids. mind you the whole time he sets up people in the restaurant to police us and watch our table when he can’t. barely gives any service. except when we’re done with our food. i have no problem with them not serving my wife because yes the law says no drinks if you don’t have id, but you deny me a grown 33 year old man with a wedding ring on a second drink. even if the liquor board is there they check to make sure people who are drinking are id’ed. they’re not going to make a fuss if someone has a sip who is obviously over 21. none of your business what happens at our table. you’re not top flight security. left a $0 tip. aita? [/INST] yta. it's your wife's fault not the server. alcohol laws are strict and businesses can lose their license over people like you. then you leave no tip for someone making 3 dollars an hour because your wife forgot her id. </s>
AITA for refusing to pay for my mother’s hospital bills?	shortly after my fifth birthday my dad found out that i was not biologically his, he immediately threw me and my mother out of his life which now looking back i can’t really blame him. it would be a nightmare to raise someone who was a constant reminder of your wife cheating. shortly after that, we moved from a mansion to a very small apartment and my life has been absolutely lonely and horrible since then, the love that my mother had for me disappeared in an instant and she and my half siblings(constantly blame me for being the reason for the divorce)have hated me since, i was constantly told by my own family including my mother that they all wish that i would die and would have never been born and things like that. i try not to get my half siblings words get to me since they were kids as well, but it still hurts to this date. my mother married my stepdad when i was 10 and he and his kids, my stepsiblings, have made it very clear they didn’t like me and things got even worse, i was given the smallest room, no new clothes or things, and constantly ignored if not being bullied by my family. both my stepfamily and half siblings went on great and fantastic trips and were given all the latest gadgets and everything as well while i was left behind. it actually came to the point where no one had wished me even a happy birthday since i was 8 years old. i had no friends at school as well, i was that ’quite’ kid who was always isolated and left out of everything. i(27m now) managed to get a full ride to dream college and am now financially quite secure. i now have very good friend and an amazing fiancé with whom i have a 3 year old son and her family has adopted me as one of their own. my finance also convinced me to go to therapy for which i am very grateful as well and i am basically doing great in life and have moved past everything. recently my mother contacted me a few days ago saying she needed my help (money actually) cause she has cancer and i firmly but politely refused her saying that while i sympathize with her situation, it is not my responsibility and she should lose my number and never contact me again. i am now hounded by my stepfamily and even my half siblings that i shouldn’t refuse and my response was pretty much the same and have blocked them as well. yesterday my mother called me from her friends phone this time ordering me to pay since she has sacrificed so much for me to which i replied, “you never sacrificed anything, you gave away everything you had cause you just couldn’t keep your legs closed.” and hung up on her. i have blocked them all’ and now just keep receiving messages calling me an asshole among other things from new numbers which i promptly block, but now occasionally i feel quite guilty, what my mother did was horrible yes, but no one deserves to die for such things. so, reddit aita for refusing to pay my mothers hospital bill even though it may lead to her death?	18,421	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/naonw9/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_for_my_mothers_hospital/	2021-05-12 13:28:30	nta. you don't owe anything to your abusers. and everyone has to die eventually. it is no coincidence that they're trying to get back into your life at this precise moment, when they need money and you have it. please continue to enjoy the wonderful life you have built for yourself and leave these people behind.	[removed]	nta. sometimes your horrible mistreatment of your own children can come back to haunt you. i'd have said: "pretend i was never born like you always wished for and never call me again. just like you wished i didn't exist, i really don't gaf what happens to you now. go ask the other kids you showed love to for money." it'd be the ultimate revenge if you were able to develop some sort of friendly relationship with her former husband who she cheated on. just tell him that his success inspired you to want to be successful and thank him for all that he did because he was actually the best parent you ever had. idk if that could lead to something nice, but it might.	nta, your were abused by not only your mother but all of your siblings and your step family for your mother's mistake. then years later the only reason she's calling you is because you're successful and can pay her medical bills? ha!	nta. you didn’t ask to be born, and yet your mom thinks that all of the things she did for you (read:the bare minimum) entitles her to the value of your hard work. it just further reiterates that she and the rest of your “family” are toxic. i’m glad you didn’t let the circumstances of your birth hold you back from being a healthy, successful individual. you should be really proud of yourself!	nta if you choose to answer the phone in the future you should just ask "who is this? sorry i don't know anyone by that name, hope you find who you are looking for!" and then just hang up. if they call back and say its a family member just respond with "i'm sorry you haven't found who you are looking for but i was orphaned around 5 years old and don't have any family"	nta. she made her choice to treat you like crap. she has her husband and step family. they can provide for her. how can not paying the bill lead to her death? if she, and her new family, need help, that's what federal and state agencies are for. they can also do a go fund me.	nta- not at all, good on you for getting away from them.. stand strong and don’t let them get to you. what goes around comes around, and it is now biting your awful family hard in the ass!!	nta i am so sorry you had to grow up that way and you handled that situation way better than i could have. i think that was a perfect response and you should just keep blocking everyone who contacts you about the money. your mother won’t die because you aren’t helping pay for her treatments- your step siblings and half siblings should be the ones helping her. you just keep doing you and living your life!	nta - although i'm not sure i really believe this story.	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: shortly after my fifth birthday my dad found out that i was not biologically his, he immediately threw me and my mother out of his life which now looking back i can’t really blame him. it would be a nightmare to raise someone who was a constant reminder of your wife cheating. shortly after that, we moved from a mansion to a very small apartment and my life has been absolutely lonely and horrible since then, the love that my mother had for me disappeared in an instant and she and my half siblings(constantly blame me for being the reason for the divorce)have hated me since, i was constantly told by my own family including my mother that they all wish that i would die and would have never been born and things like that. i try not to get my half siblings words get to me since they were kids as well, but it still hurts to this date. my mother married my stepdad when i was 10 and he and his kids, my stepsiblings, have made it very clear they didn’t like me and things got even worse, i was given the smallest room, no new clothes or things, and constantly ignored if not being bullied by my family. both my stepfamily and half siblings went on great and fantastic trips and were given all the latest gadgets and everything as well while i was left behind. it actually came to the point where no one had wished me even a happy birthday since i was 8 years old. i had no friends at school as well, i was that ’quite’ kid who was always isolated and left out of everything. i(27m now) managed to get a full ride to dream college and am now financially quite secure. i now have very good friend and an amazing fiancé with whom i have a 3 year old son and her family has adopted me as one of their own. my finance also convinced me to go to therapy for which i am very grateful as well and i am basically doing great in life and have moved past everything. recently my mother contacted me a few days ago saying she needed my help (money actually) cause she has cancer and i firmly but politely refused her saying that while i sympathize with her situation, it is not my responsibility and she should lose my number and never contact me again. i am now hounded by my stepfamily and even my half siblings that i shouldn’t refuse and my response was pretty much the same and have blocked them as well. yesterday my mother called me from her friends phone this time ordering me to pay since she has sacrificed so much for me to which i replied, “you never sacrificed anything, you gave away everything you had cause you just couldn’t keep your legs closed.” and hung up on her. i have blocked them all’ and now just keep receiving messages calling me an asshole among other things from new numbers which i promptly block, but now occasionally i feel quite guilty, what my mother did was horrible yes, but no one deserves to die for such things. so, reddit aita for refusing to pay my mothers hospital bill even though it may lead to her death?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> shortly after my fifth birthday my dad found out that i was not biologically his, he immediately threw me and my mother out of his life which now looking back i can’t really blame him. it would be a nightmare to raise someone who was a constant reminder of your wife cheating. shortly after that, we moved from a mansion to a very small apartment and my life has been absolutely lonely and horrible since then, the love that my mother had for me disappeared in an instant and she and my half siblings(constantly blame me for being the reason for the divorce)have hated me since, i was constantly told by my own family including my mother that they all wish that i would die and would have never been born and things like that. i try not to get my half siblings words get to me since they were kids as well, but it still hurts to this date. my mother married my stepdad when i was 10 and he and his kids, my stepsiblings, have made it very clear they didn’t like me and things got even worse, i was given the smallest room, no new clothes or things, and constantly ignored if not being bullied by my family. both my stepfamily and half siblings went on great and fantastic trips and were given all the latest gadgets and everything as well while i was left behind. it actually came to the point where no one had wished me even a happy birthday since i was 8 years old. i had no friends at school as well, i was that ’quite’ kid who was always isolated and left out of everything. i(27m now) managed to get a full ride to dream college and am now financially quite secure. i now have very good friend and an amazing fiancé with whom i have a 3 year old son and her family has adopted me as one of their own. my finance also convinced me to go to therapy for which i am very grateful as well and i am basically doing great in life and have moved past everything. recently my mother contacted me a few days ago saying she needed my help (money actually) cause she has cancer and i firmly but politely refused her saying that while i sympathize with her situation, it is not my responsibility and she should lose my number and never contact me again. i am now hounded by my stepfamily and even my half siblings that i shouldn’t refuse and my response was pretty much the same and have blocked them as well. yesterday my mother called me from her friends phone this time ordering me to pay since she has sacrificed so much for me to which i replied, “you never sacrificed anything, you gave away everything you had cause you just couldn’t keep your legs closed.” and hung up on her. i have blocked them all’ and now just keep receiving messages calling me an asshole among other things from new numbers which i promptly block, but now occasionally i feel quite guilty, what my mother did was horrible yes, but no one deserves to die for such things. so, reddit aita for refusing to pay my mothers hospital bill even though it may lead to her death? [/INST] nta. you don't owe anything to your abusers. and everyone has to die eventually. it is no coincidence that they're trying to get back into your life at this precise moment, when they need money and you have it. please continue to enjoy the wonderful life you have built for yourself and leave these people behind. </s>
AITA for not wanting my kids every weekend?	my ex husband and i share custody of our 10 year old daughter and 12 year old son. we have a 2-2-3 schedule which usually looks like i have the kids friday after school and then he gets them monday after school. i get them back wednesday after school and then he gets them friday after school and then the week flip flops. we've done this since our divorce 5 years ago and it works well. i'm a nurse in the or so i schedule my shifts for the days during the week when they are with their dad and my one call weekend every 6 weeks is a weekend they are with their dad. recently, the kids said they want to try splitting up on the weekends, so instead of both of them being with one us during the weekend, one will go with dad and one will be with me. my son said he would make sure he was with me on call weekends because he can stay by himself if i have to get called in or can hang out at the hospital until i'm done. my ex is on board with this because he says it will allow us to spend one on one time with the kids and will allow the kids a break from each other (they squabble occasionally and annoy one another). while they have a point- sometimes it is hard to not feel like you are disappointing one by trying to accommodate the other, i do not want to give up my free weekends. it took me a few months to get used to not having my kids all the time after the divorce but now my weekends without them are filled with activities or travel. my ex agreed if there was a weekend trip i wanted to take he would be fine having both the kids that weekend but i honestly don't want to have to take his schedule into consideration when planning my trips, and sometimes they are spontaneous trips. i was talking to my family about this at breakfast this morning and they are all kind of appalled by me not wanting to do this. my sister pointed out that if i was still married, then i wouldn't have all the child free time i have now and many mothers don't get a break from their kids like i do. my mom said she can't believe i'd deny my children quality time with their parents for selfish reasons like not wanting to give up my weekends. my sil seemed to understand where i was coming from but said that she would still do it and just incorporate the child into whatever i was doing and pointed out my daughter would love to go on the nyc shopping trip i had planned for december and my son would happily join me for my saturday morning spin classes. i considered that but my sil loves taking her kids everywhere so i don't know that she is aware of how nice it is to just be an adult without the responsibility of a child wherever you go. they were really making me feel like an asshole though. aita?	20,732	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dx7hty/aita_for_not_wanting_my_kids_every_weekend/	2019-11-16 14:25:28	yta- i know it feels great to have your time alone but you decided to have your kids and they need to feel loved by you. it is sad that you'd prefer to do things on your own and not have obligations. not gonna lie, it would make me really sad if my mom told me this. you just have to make do with the time that you do have and take into consideration your ex's schedule when planning stuff.	oh yta without a doubt and your family was being nice to you. like seriously you're treating and talking about your kids like they're some acquaintance. your sil offered you solutions , but because they care enough to bother to be around their kids you don't think they really count? and before people start insisting "you're forcing her life to be kid centered!" this literally isn't that, it's a fuckin weekend. grow up and actually be a mom and stop pretending your trips are more important.	yta. you are their mum, you made the choice to have them, whether or not you are separated from their dad you still have the responsibility of being a parent. you can't pick or choose when you want to be a parent	when you decided to have kids, you agreed to put them before yourself for at least the next 20 years or so. in the meantime you got a few years with free weekends, which i’m sure was nice once you got used to it - lucky you. so be grateful that you had that, and then be grateful that your kids still want to see you every weekend. listen to your ex-husband, your mom, your sister and your sil; they’re all right. yta. i love my kids, and i love my partner. and my favourite thing in the whole world is spending time with just one of them. any one, doesn’t matter which. and you get to do that for a whole weekend!! it’s a real shame you don’t realise how lucky you are. get this right and you will become so unbelievably close to them. miss out on it and i don’t doubt you will regret it one day.	yta- your kids clearly feel they are having too much moving and change. they clearly want to spend more quality time with you and your son has even considered your rota!	i'm sorry yta. i get it, i've got kids and free time without them is awesome. but you don't get to prioritise your free time over theirs. when your kids are 15+ youll have all the free time you want, they won't want to hang out with you, they can be left home alone etc. but now, when they're still young but old enough to be social with you, you should be including them and enjoying or at least trying to enjoy the time you have with them. if you think they can't tell what a burden they are to you, you're mistaken. please show your children with your actions that they are the most important people in the world to you.	yta you literally know why this would be good for them, they want this change, and you don't care because 'muh trips'. selfish.	nah for wanting to keep the schedule as is, but you would be ta if you refused to make some revisions to give the kids 1:1 time with each parent or compromise at all because putting your desires ahead of everyone else's would be selfishness. like why not suggest that the kids do two weekends apart and then two weekends together (m-d, d-m, m-m, d-d)? then you would still have one free weekend and they would get the time they need. find a new balance.	100% yta. you chose to have kids and wether you want to give up your weekends or not, that’s what being a good parent is about. involve your kids and appreciate that they actually want to be involved in your life.	yta. your sister is right, this is a privilege that you have, not a right - and your kids should come first. if you were still married this wouldn’t even be an option for you. you’re just going to have to plan in advance and take your kids into consideration like most parents have to. your kids won’t be this age forever and you don’t know how long the split weekends will last so just go with it, eventually you will get your free time back. this is what you signed up for when you had kids.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	NAH	YTA	YTA	0.010125	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my ex husband and i share custody of our 10 year old daughter and 12 year old son. we have a 2-2-3 schedule which usually looks like i have the kids friday after school and then he gets them monday after school. i get them back wednesday after school and then he gets them friday after school and then the week flip flops. we've done this since our divorce 5 years ago and it works well. i'm a nurse in the or so i schedule my shifts for the days during the week when they are with their dad and my one call weekend every 6 weeks is a weekend they are with their dad. recently, the kids said they want to try splitting up on the weekends, so instead of both of them being with one us during the weekend, one will go with dad and one will be with me. my son said he would make sure he was with me on call weekends because he can stay by himself if i have to get called in or can hang out at the hospital until i'm done. my ex is on board with this because he says it will allow us to spend one on one time with the kids and will allow the kids a break from each other (they squabble occasionally and annoy one another). while they have a point- sometimes it is hard to not feel like you are disappointing one by trying to accommodate the other, i do not want to give up my free weekends. it took me a few months to get used to not having my kids all the time after the divorce but now my weekends without them are filled with activities or travel. my ex agreed if there was a weekend trip i wanted to take he would be fine having both the kids that weekend but i honestly don't want to have to take his schedule into consideration when planning my trips, and sometimes they are spontaneous trips. i was talking to my family about this at breakfast this morning and they are all kind of appalled by me not wanting to do this. my sister pointed out that if i was still married, then i wouldn't have all the child free time i have now and many mothers don't get a break from their kids like i do. my mom said she can't believe i'd deny my children quality time with their parents for selfish reasons like not wanting to give up my weekends. my sil seemed to understand where i was coming from but said that she would still do it and just incorporate the child into whatever i was doing and pointed out my daughter would love to go on the nyc shopping trip i had planned for december and my son would happily join me for my saturday morning spin classes. i considered that but my sil loves taking her kids everywhere so i don't know that she is aware of how nice it is to just be an adult without the responsibility of a child wherever you go. they were really making me feel like an asshole though. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my ex husband and i share custody of our 10 year old daughter and 12 year old son. we have a 2-2-3 schedule which usually looks like i have the kids friday after school and then he gets them monday after school. i get them back wednesday after school and then he gets them friday after school and then the week flip flops. we've done this since our divorce 5 years ago and it works well. i'm a nurse in the or so i schedule my shifts for the days during the week when they are with their dad and my one call weekend every 6 weeks is a weekend they are with their dad. recently, the kids said they want to try splitting up on the weekends, so instead of both of them being with one us during the weekend, one will go with dad and one will be with me. my son said he would make sure he was with me on call weekends because he can stay by himself if i have to get called in or can hang out at the hospital until i'm done. my ex is on board with this because he says it will allow us to spend one on one time with the kids and will allow the kids a break from each other (they squabble occasionally and annoy one another). while they have a point- sometimes it is hard to not feel like you are disappointing one by trying to accommodate the other, i do not want to give up my free weekends. it took me a few months to get used to not having my kids all the time after the divorce but now my weekends without them are filled with activities or travel. my ex agreed if there was a weekend trip i wanted to take he would be fine having both the kids that weekend but i honestly don't want to have to take his schedule into consideration when planning my trips, and sometimes they are spontaneous trips. i was talking to my family about this at breakfast this morning and they are all kind of appalled by me not wanting to do this. my sister pointed out that if i was still married, then i wouldn't have all the child free time i have now and many mothers don't get a break from their kids like i do. my mom said she can't believe i'd deny my children quality time with their parents for selfish reasons like not wanting to give up my weekends. my sil seemed to understand where i was coming from but said that she would still do it and just incorporate the child into whatever i was doing and pointed out my daughter would love to go on the nyc shopping trip i had planned for december and my son would happily join me for my saturday morning spin classes. i considered that but my sil loves taking her kids everywhere so i don't know that she is aware of how nice it is to just be an adult without the responsibility of a child wherever you go. they were really making me feel like an asshole though. aita? [/INST] yta- i know it feels great to have your time alone but you decided to have your kids and they need to feel loved by you. it is sad that you'd prefer to do things on your own and not have obligations. not gonna lie, it would make me really sad if my mom told me this. you just have to make do with the time that you do have and take into consideration your ex's schedule when planning stuff. </s>
AITA for charging my sister £2500 for one of my paintings after her kid ruined it?	backstory, i’m 26 and a fairly successful artist. my sister, “lucy” (24) and her child “ethan” (9) were at my house during a late new years celebration. i had a sign posted on my art studio saying “do not enter” and specifically made it clear to all guests that nobody was to enter that room. i’d also like to note that all my guests were asked to leave their kids at home as this was for adults but ‘lucy’ couldn’t do that because she couldn’t find a sitter. anyway. note : i also set up my boyfriends ps4 for him to play on so he wouldn’t be bored. it’s 10pm, and i hear a loud crash from my studio, i run up and see paint all over my recently work that so far had taken 15 hours to do. ethan was sat there laughing, rubbing paint into my work, it’s now unsalvageable and i have to restart the work, as it was a specific request from a client. which also puts me behind for the rest of my work now!! i immediately asked ethan and lucy to leave, and the next day i sent her a bill for the work. £2500 (which is lower than i would’ve gotten for the work anyway). she’s absolutely screaming about it, the whole family is divided. my mom hates me, my dad completely agrees with me. surprise, my dad is an artist, my mum is more ‘smart smart’. my sisters husband agrees with me. i will admittedly say, i don’t enjoy kids. or their company. but i’ve always been a great auntie, presents at christmas, gifts from vacation, everything he’s wanted. am i the asshole for charging my sister £2500?	23,002	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/eqxekx/aita_for_charging_my_sister_2500_for_one_of_my/	2020-01-19 15:13:19	nta. a) kids weren’t welcome at your event. she chose to bring her child. b) you clearly marked off the room c) she wasn’t supervising her child, which is how he was able to gain entrance to a blocked off room, and destroy your work you absolutely deserve to be compensated for your work. eta (because it got buried in the comments): d). the kid is nine. not a toddler. well into the age to differentiate right from wrong.	nta. it was already an issue that she brought her kid, but you were understanding about that. the least she could've done was watch her damn kid while there and respected your wishes of no one going in there. when you bring kids to an adult party it's your responsibility to watch them, not the host or other guests unless other kids are involved	nta - this is your livelihood, art supplies aren't cheap, and not to mention the time it'll take you to recreate what was lost. the kid's 9 and still straight up disobeyed you in your own home? yeah, i'd be pissed off, too. also, your sister sounds like one of those moms that can't be bothered to take responsibility for her own children, so maybe this'll open her eyes a bit.	nta. nine is old enough to know how to read a do not enter sign, and to know that destroying others’ property is unacceptable. if they were younger, the blame would be a little more questionable but there is no mistake about this. you should certainly be compensated, but i might lower the price to be proportionate to how much time you actually spent, not a loose figure around the price that you would have gotten.	nta: the kid is nine not three, he's old enough to know better. can they afford to give you 2,500? can you afford to live without the 2,500? if they legitimately don't have 2,500 maybe you could let him work off some of the debt by helping you clean or doing other chores for you?	nta, while it sounds shitty written out to a lot of people, that's the same as if you ran a dealership or a high end gallery, and someone let their kid run around scratching cars or fingerprinting on museum pieces. you said no kids, that had to be worked around, okay, but then the kid wasn't even supervised, he realistically could have been killed toppling stuff like that. what the people saying yta don't realize it's that this is your livelihood. before i met my wife who is an artist, i might have said yta, but i couldn't fathom discrediting someone's hard work like that now.	oh man, reading that made me cringe. you backed yourself up so tthat something like this wouldn't happen. you specified no kids, you made it clear that that room was off limits, and you set up a gaming system to accomodate your sister after she broke the first rule. my sister is an artist, and painting stuff is expensive. i'm not the type to really understand the world behind selling paintings, but i do know there's often a lot of dedication behind it. and wtf, 9 years old is old enough to know that what he was doing was bad. i might of offered more sympathy towards your sister if we were talking 3 or 4 years old ( and even then, the kid wasn't supervised so maybe not so much). nta	nta. he's 9. 9-year-old children know better. he was doing this to be an asshole.	nta what’s...wrong with her child? at 9, intentionally destroying art like this isn’t normal. is ethan developmentally typical? the only thing i can think of is that ethan has some sort of developmental challenges and that’s why you are being expected to drop this.	is anyone going to comment about how old her sister and her sister's kid are? 24 and 9? she got pregnant at 14? only me? please i need to comprehend this and cannot do it alone.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: backstory, i’m 26 and a fairly successful artist. my sister, “lucy” (24) and her child “ethan” (9) were at my house during a late new years celebration. i had a sign posted on my art studio saying “do not enter” and specifically made it clear to all guests that nobody was to enter that room. i’d also like to note that all my guests were asked to leave their kids at home as this was for adults but ‘lucy’ couldn’t do that because she couldn’t find a sitter. anyway. note : i also set up my boyfriends ps4 for him to play on so he wouldn’t be bored. it’s 10pm, and i hear a loud crash from my studio, i run up and see paint all over my recently work that so far had taken 15 hours to do. ethan was sat there laughing, rubbing paint into my work, it’s now unsalvageable and i have to restart the work, as it was a specific request from a client. which also puts me behind for the rest of my work now!! i immediately asked ethan and lucy to leave, and the next day i sent her a bill for the work. £2500 (which is lower than i would’ve gotten for the work anyway). she’s absolutely screaming about it, the whole family is divided. my mom hates me, my dad completely agrees with me. surprise, my dad is an artist, my mum is more ‘smart smart’. my sisters husband agrees with me. i will admittedly say, i don’t enjoy kids. or their company. but i’ve always been a great auntie, presents at christmas, gifts from vacation, everything he’s wanted. am i the asshole for charging my sister £2500?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> backstory, i’m 26 and a fairly successful artist. my sister, “lucy” (24) and her child “ethan” (9) were at my house during a late new years celebration. i had a sign posted on my art studio saying “do not enter” and specifically made it clear to all guests that nobody was to enter that room. i’d also like to note that all my guests were asked to leave their kids at home as this was for adults but ‘lucy’ couldn’t do that because she couldn’t find a sitter. anyway. note : i also set up my boyfriends ps4 for him to play on so he wouldn’t be bored. it’s 10pm, and i hear a loud crash from my studio, i run up and see paint all over my recently work that so far had taken 15 hours to do. ethan was sat there laughing, rubbing paint into my work, it’s now unsalvageable and i have to restart the work, as it was a specific request from a client. which also puts me behind for the rest of my work now!! i immediately asked ethan and lucy to leave, and the next day i sent her a bill for the work. £2500 (which is lower than i would’ve gotten for the work anyway). she’s absolutely screaming about it, the whole family is divided. my mom hates me, my dad completely agrees with me. surprise, my dad is an artist, my mum is more ‘smart smart’. my sisters husband agrees with me. i will admittedly say, i don’t enjoy kids. or their company. but i’ve always been a great auntie, presents at christmas, gifts from vacation, everything he’s wanted. am i the asshole for charging my sister £2500? [/INST] nta. a) kids weren’t welcome at your event. she chose to bring her child. b) you clearly marked off the room c) she wasn’t supervising her child, which is how he was able to gain entrance to a blocked off room, and destroy your work you absolutely deserve to be compensated for your work. eta (because it got buried in the comments): d). the kid is nine. not a toddler. well into the age to differentiate right from wrong. </s>
AITA for getting my neighbor's partner arrested?	about a week ago, my cat got out and went missing for a few days. i was heartbroken; i put his litter box outside, hung flyers everywhere, and literally cried non-stop. it was bad. then i noticed someone was taking down my flyers. this made me really upset, so i started knocking on people's doors. one neighbor told me that she overhead her neighbor's kid excitedly thanking his mom for a new cat, and when i walked up their driveway, what do you know my cat was sitting in their windowsill. he immediately starting pawing at the glass when he saw me, and it broke my heart. i knocked on the front door and explained to the lady that answered that this was my cat, he's chipped and everything, so i have proof he's mine. she literally laughed in my face and slammed the door. i knocked again, and this time a huge dude answered and told me "this is my son's cat, now go away" and slammed the door in my face. i went home and bawled like a baby. i called my dad (he's the county sheriff) to tell him what happened and to ask what i should do. he told me to stay home, and that he would send over a deputy to take care of it. well, apparently the deputy let it slip that i was the county sheriff's daughter, and now the catnapper lady is telling everyone in the neighborhood i'm a spoiled brat who went crying to her daddy. but the thing is, i would have called the cops regardless. the only reason i called my dad first is because i was bawling and didn't want to sob on the phone to a stranger if i could avoid it, plus i wanted his advice on how to get my cat back. apparently the kid's dad also went to jail because the deputy ran his plates and saw he had a warrant, so this woman is also telling everyone i got her partner arrested, too. but how was i supposed to know the guy had a freaking warrant?? i just wanted my cat back. aita? edited for cat tax: https://imgur.com/urgwzpv	19,291	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/iu0k6j/aita_for_getting_my_neighbors_partner_arrested/	2020-09-16 17:47:44	nta he got what you deserved, he stole your cat. are you gonna get your cat back?	nta, they stole your cat. whatever they get after that is completely their own fault. keep your kitty indoors though, so they can’t get to it again.	nta, shouldn't have stolen something. especially with a warrent.	nta. this is the epitome of "play stupid games, win stupid prizes." they stole your cat and tried to refuse to keep him. it's not your fault that they did that. it's definitely not your fault that the guy was evading arrest. keep your cat indoors in case they try again, and know that you did everything right.	nta. and thank you for correctly using bawled instead of “balled.” people with warrants shouldn’t be catnappers. those are rules.	nta she stole your cat!! were you able to get him back?	nta- please keep your cat inside for awhile i’m worried they will retaliate against you by hurting him.	nta - anyone in the neighborhood who mentions he to you, make sure you tell them exactly what you told reddit. they're thieves who wouldn't return your stolen property. the police intervened because that's what they do in cases of theft. that her husband had an arrest warrant out wasn't your fault, but it does show that his word shouldn't be trusted when it comes to the outright theft they committed. if anyone insists about the dad angle in all this, remind them that he didn't do the arrest. he sent a neutral deputy to investigate, and the deputy made that arrest.	nta she stole your cat. your chipped cat. and she actively worked to retain said stolen property by taking down your fliers. this is her own fault. btw, your cat is beautiful!!	nta she stole something from you and she is calling you a brat? your in the right here op dont think any other way.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: about a week ago, my cat got out and went missing for a few days. i was heartbroken; i put his litter box outside, hung flyers everywhere, and literally cried non-stop. it was bad. then i noticed someone was taking down my flyers. this made me really upset, so i started knocking on people's doors. one neighbor told me that she overhead her neighbor's kid excitedly thanking his mom for a new cat, and when i walked up their driveway, what do you know my cat was sitting in their windowsill. he immediately starting pawing at the glass when he saw me, and it broke my heart. i knocked on the front door and explained to the lady that answered that this was my cat, he's chipped and everything, so i have proof he's mine. she literally laughed in my face and slammed the door. i knocked again, and this time a huge dude answered and told me "this is my son's cat, now go away" and slammed the door in my face. i went home and bawled like a baby. i called my dad (he's the county sheriff) to tell him what happened and to ask what i should do. he told me to stay home, and that he would send over a deputy to take care of it. well, apparently the deputy let it slip that i was the county sheriff's daughter, and now the catnapper lady is telling everyone in the neighborhood i'm a spoiled brat who went crying to her daddy. but the thing is, i would have called the cops regardless. the only reason i called my dad first is because i was bawling and didn't want to sob on the phone to a stranger if i could avoid it, plus i wanted his advice on how to get my cat back. apparently the kid's dad also went to jail because the deputy ran his plates and saw he had a warrant, so this woman is also telling everyone i got her partner arrested, too. but how was i supposed to know the guy had a freaking warrant?? i just wanted my cat back. aita? edited for cat tax: https://imgur.com/urgwzpv	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> about a week ago, my cat got out and went missing for a few days. i was heartbroken; i put his litter box outside, hung flyers everywhere, and literally cried non-stop. it was bad. then i noticed someone was taking down my flyers. this made me really upset, so i started knocking on people's doors. one neighbor told me that she overhead her neighbor's kid excitedly thanking his mom for a new cat, and when i walked up their driveway, what do you know my cat was sitting in their windowsill. he immediately starting pawing at the glass when he saw me, and it broke my heart. i knocked on the front door and explained to the lady that answered that this was my cat, he's chipped and everything, so i have proof he's mine. she literally laughed in my face and slammed the door. i knocked again, and this time a huge dude answered and told me "this is my son's cat, now go away" and slammed the door in my face. i went home and bawled like a baby. i called my dad (he's the county sheriff) to tell him what happened and to ask what i should do. he told me to stay home, and that he would send over a deputy to take care of it. well, apparently the deputy let it slip that i was the county sheriff's daughter, and now the catnapper lady is telling everyone in the neighborhood i'm a spoiled brat who went crying to her daddy. but the thing is, i would have called the cops regardless. the only reason i called my dad first is because i was bawling and didn't want to sob on the phone to a stranger if i could avoid it, plus i wanted his advice on how to get my cat back. apparently the kid's dad also went to jail because the deputy ran his plates and saw he had a warrant, so this woman is also telling everyone i got her partner arrested, too. but how was i supposed to know the guy had a freaking warrant?? i just wanted my cat back. aita? edited for cat tax: https://imgur.com/urgwzpv [/INST] nta he got what you deserved, he stole your cat. are you gonna get your cat back? </s>
AITA for being honest about honeymoon sex	my fiancé and i (i’m 26, he’s 28) are taking an 8 day honeymoon in brazil, which is where he is originally from. this trip has been in the works for a long time, and a few weeks ago i learned that his parents were hoping to stop by and visit us during our honeymoon and even asked to stay with us (we have rented a 3 bedroom place near a beach) for 2 of the nights. i said absolutely not, and my husband agreed. he told them no, that it’s because we want our privacy. his parents, who i have grown very close to, sent me a separate text asking, in a lighthearted way (i thought!), if it was really a big problem and if i agreed with him, and i said yes, i did agree. his mom asked me why, and i was honest - i said i want to be able to be open and free with him with without thinking about houseguests. she said “so this is about sex?” i thought she was still being lighthearted, and i replied “if i’m being honest, i’m going to fuck his brains out in every room of that house.” no response. so, this has become a whole thing. my mother in law thinks i’m disrespectful, my father in law thinks i’m a sex monster of some kind, my husband thinks it was way too far of me. aita? do i owe them an apology?	17,979	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xaopda/aita_for_being_honest_about_honeymoon_sex/	2022-09-10 12:54:16	nta i think it's hilarious, and i probably would have done the same thing. your fiance needs to be the one to put his foot down. it seems like the parents have the impression that you're the "bad guy" who needs to be "won over", and i'm sure your fiance has deflected enough to make it seem like that to them. also, how weird? why would anyone want to go on someone else's honeymoon.	i wouldn't call your response "light-hearted". you chose to be a bit vulgar, and sometimes that comes with the social consequences. nah.	nta. sometimes this sub really makes me laugh. they act like the only way not be an asshole is to have the formality of the prince of wales even when op is subjected to intrusive, appalling people op’s answer was just the right amount of direct for someone who asked (twice, after being rejected once by husband) to visit on a a honeymoon the people telling you ‘you could have been more subtle’ are laughable. your mil literally asked you about sex.	[deleted]	nta. she kept pushing and pushing not taking no for an answer, and she brought up sex. if she couldn't handle the topic, she shouldn't have brought it up.	nta who the hell wants to stay with a couple on their honeymoon? and what exactly did they think you would be doing?	nta, everyone knows that is what a honeymoon is for and she was trying to embarrass you into giving her her way. she was also disrespectful of your husband's stated boundaries and trying to go behind his back. you served up justice and it doesn't matter if everyone else was offended because what you had to deal with from fmil is more offensive.	esh. depending on the relationship between your mil, that joke may be a bit too far. i wouldve kept it at "we want to enjoy our honeymoon as a couple to celebrate our marriage and cant wait to celebrate with you once we return". you were a bit vulgar, but your mil shouldve taken the hint its a honeymoon. couldve been a cultural difference	esh they need to learn to take the first no. but why, the fuck, would you think that is an appropriate responce??? it's not like they were harassing you for weeks it was 3 texts and you took the nuclear option.	esh. your response was definitely a little tmi and you should apologize for being so explicit. however, it’s insane to me that your in-laws would think it’s okay for them to come to your honeymoon. do they know what a honeymoon is???	NTA	NAH	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	ESH	ESH	ESH	0.2114	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my fiancé and i (i’m 26, he’s 28) are taking an 8 day honeymoon in brazil, which is where he is originally from. this trip has been in the works for a long time, and a few weeks ago i learned that his parents were hoping to stop by and visit us during our honeymoon and even asked to stay with us (we have rented a 3 bedroom place near a beach) for 2 of the nights. i said absolutely not, and my husband agreed. he told them no, that it’s because we want our privacy. his parents, who i have grown very close to, sent me a separate text asking, in a lighthearted way (i thought!), if it was really a big problem and if i agreed with him, and i said yes, i did agree. his mom asked me why, and i was honest - i said i want to be able to be open and free with him with without thinking about houseguests. she said “so this is about sex?” i thought she was still being lighthearted, and i replied “if i’m being honest, i’m going to fuck his brains out in every room of that house.” no response. so, this has become a whole thing. my mother in law thinks i’m disrespectful, my father in law thinks i’m a sex monster of some kind, my husband thinks it was way too far of me. aita? do i owe them an apology?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my fiancé and i (i’m 26, he’s 28) are taking an 8 day honeymoon in brazil, which is where he is originally from. this trip has been in the works for a long time, and a few weeks ago i learned that his parents were hoping to stop by and visit us during our honeymoon and even asked to stay with us (we have rented a 3 bedroom place near a beach) for 2 of the nights. i said absolutely not, and my husband agreed. he told them no, that it’s because we want our privacy. his parents, who i have grown very close to, sent me a separate text asking, in a lighthearted way (i thought!), if it was really a big problem and if i agreed with him, and i said yes, i did agree. his mom asked me why, and i was honest - i said i want to be able to be open and free with him with without thinking about houseguests. she said “so this is about sex?” i thought she was still being lighthearted, and i replied “if i’m being honest, i’m going to fuck his brains out in every room of that house.” no response. so, this has become a whole thing. my mother in law thinks i’m disrespectful, my father in law thinks i’m a sex monster of some kind, my husband thinks it was way too far of me. aita? do i owe them an apology? [/INST] nta i think it's hilarious, and i probably would have done the same thing. your fiance needs to be the one to put his foot down. it seems like the parents have the impression that you're the "bad guy" who needs to be "won over", and i'm sure your fiance has deflected enough to make it seem like that to them. also, how weird? why would anyone want to go on someone else's honeymoon. </s>
AITA for telling my brother that his crush dislikes him because he’s an asshole, not because he’s “too smart”?	so i have a younger brother (13) who is a child prodigy. i won’t give too many details but he’s well known in the academic circles of our country and attends an institute of higher education. naturally people are impressed with his intelligence and he’s quite popular and makes friends easily. our parents dote on him and have never told him “no”. as a result he has become very arrogant, condescending and disrespectful to people he deems below him...that’s just about everyone. lately he’s been openly talking about a girl he’s crushing on and much to his dismay she’s quite unimpressed with him. he often complains to my parents and i about his failed attempts to befriend her. i understand why she dislikes him. on one occasion he invited her over for a school project and i overheard their interaction. he was constantly talking over her, dismissing her ideas and even calling them stupid. 99% of the time he was talking about himself and his accomplishments, being in news articles, his future plans are etc. the poor girl obviously seemed uncomfortable. he quizzed her about her career aspirations and when she answered he proceeded to point out it’s a bad career path. today he was once again complaining about her and said that she’s obviously intimidated by his superior intellect. he claimed that all girls only like “stupid guys” and that “women are emotional”. sadly my parents agreed and kept assuring him that this girl is obviously uncomfortable with the fact he’s so accomplished and awesome. after hearing this nonsense many times, i finally told him that his crush dislikes him because he behaves like an obnoxious, know-it-all asshole. i explained that he’d probably have a chance if he showed some modesty instead of talking down on this girl so much. so my parents obviously think i’m an asshole for saying this. they said that it was horrible of me to say this to a 13 year old and that he’s just a child. i told them that he needs to realise that his personality is becoming a problem and that his crush dislikes him because he’s an ah, not because he’s “too smart”. aita?	27,602	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/m3wkmq/aita_for_telling_my_brother_that_his_crush/	2021-03-13 01:54:09	nta- you actually are doing him a favor for him to learn this lesson now. your parent's are setting him up for failure. regardless of intelligence and ability, a huge part of success is also likeability and the ability to get along with others. i have seen several brilliant people get nowhere because of their complete lack of emotional intelligence.	this reminds me of a scene in “the social network”: “you are probably going to be a very successful computer person. but you're going to go through life thinking that girls don't like you because you're a nerd. and i want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won't be true. it'll be because you're an asshole.” nta. sometimes the truth hurts.	nta. your parents are most at fault, however. they're raising a narcissistic monster. they need to teach him manners before it's too late.	he's on the path of becoming an incel if he starts blaming the woman/ lying about rejection. nta best he's told like it is because if it progresses his mindset on the whole thing will get more damaging	nta, please continue giving your brother a dose of reality since your parents seem to be determined to raise him into an incel.	nta, your brother is old enough for some tough love. and although your parents could stand to be more firm with your brother, this advice is probably more effective coming from you.	absolutely nta. the kid needed to hear that. yeah, he's young, but coddling him will do no good. hopefully he'll grow out of it and will thank you for your honesty.	nta. maybe sit him down and go through what you heard when she was over? explain what social cues he missed? would that help him?	nta - your brother is and your parents are bigger ones. you brothers behaviour is such an asshole more, he is turning into one the guys that complains he never can get girls because they are all below him or slurs or whatever just because they don't like his personality or find him attractive. glad you are trying to put a stop to it now because lord knows he will not have a good life like that, it'll be harder to hear when he is older & set in his ways. your parents are bigger assholes because the coddling (agreeing he is too smart for the girl), is what's turning him into one of those guys. instead of trying to make him modest or teach him that girls can just say no because they mean no. lord (no religious anymore but going to pray to the lord here), let them stop because if they carry on, they could create a real monster! if he doesn't learn no is a no just because and not because you are too smart or whatever, he could develop some messed up behaviors. good on you and although you may get called an ass, don't let your brother turn into one of those people. even though it's not your job, your parents are failing him	nta - hopefully one day when his personal life is crumbling around him or nil and void he'll remember what you said and seek you out. if you can find other opportunities to sneak that shit in during non-dramatic moments or in positive ways, keep doing it. you're his only hope by the sound of it lol	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so i have a younger brother (13) who is a child prodigy. i won’t give too many details but he’s well known in the academic circles of our country and attends an institute of higher education. naturally people are impressed with his intelligence and he’s quite popular and makes friends easily. our parents dote on him and have never told him “no”. as a result he has become very arrogant, condescending and disrespectful to people he deems below him...that’s just about everyone. lately he’s been openly talking about a girl he’s crushing on and much to his dismay she’s quite unimpressed with him. he often complains to my parents and i about his failed attempts to befriend her. i understand why she dislikes him. on one occasion he invited her over for a school project and i overheard their interaction. he was constantly talking over her, dismissing her ideas and even calling them stupid. 99% of the time he was talking about himself and his accomplishments, being in news articles, his future plans are etc. the poor girl obviously seemed uncomfortable. he quizzed her about her career aspirations and when she answered he proceeded to point out it’s a bad career path. today he was once again complaining about her and said that she’s obviously intimidated by his superior intellect. he claimed that all girls only like “stupid guys” and that “women are emotional”. sadly my parents agreed and kept assuring him that this girl is obviously uncomfortable with the fact he’s so accomplished and awesome. after hearing this nonsense many times, i finally told him that his crush dislikes him because he behaves like an obnoxious, know-it-all asshole. i explained that he’d probably have a chance if he showed some modesty instead of talking down on this girl so much. so my parents obviously think i’m an asshole for saying this. they said that it was horrible of me to say this to a 13 year old and that he’s just a child. i told them that he needs to realise that his personality is becoming a problem and that his crush dislikes him because he’s an ah, not because he’s “too smart”. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> so i have a younger brother (13) who is a child prodigy. i won’t give too many details but he’s well known in the academic circles of our country and attends an institute of higher education. naturally people are impressed with his intelligence and he’s quite popular and makes friends easily. our parents dote on him and have never told him “no”. as a result he has become very arrogant, condescending and disrespectful to people he deems below him...that’s just about everyone. lately he’s been openly talking about a girl he’s crushing on and much to his dismay she’s quite unimpressed with him. he often complains to my parents and i about his failed attempts to befriend her. i understand why she dislikes him. on one occasion he invited her over for a school project and i overheard their interaction. he was constantly talking over her, dismissing her ideas and even calling them stupid. 99% of the time he was talking about himself and his accomplishments, being in news articles, his future plans are etc. the poor girl obviously seemed uncomfortable. he quizzed her about her career aspirations and when she answered he proceeded to point out it’s a bad career path. today he was once again complaining about her and said that she’s obviously intimidated by his superior intellect. he claimed that all girls only like “stupid guys” and that “women are emotional”. sadly my parents agreed and kept assuring him that this girl is obviously uncomfortable with the fact he’s so accomplished and awesome. after hearing this nonsense many times, i finally told him that his crush dislikes him because he behaves like an obnoxious, know-it-all asshole. i explained that he’d probably have a chance if he showed some modesty instead of talking down on this girl so much. so my parents obviously think i’m an asshole for saying this. they said that it was horrible of me to say this to a 13 year old and that he’s just a child. i told them that he needs to realise that his personality is becoming a problem and that his crush dislikes him because he’s an ah, not because he’s “too smart”. aita? [/INST] nta- you actually are doing him a favor for him to learn this lesson now. your parent's are setting him up for failure. regardless of intelligence and ability, a huge part of success is also likeability and the ability to get along with others. i have seen several brilliant people get nowhere because of their complete lack of emotional intelligence. </s>
AITA not wanting my husband's 17 yo brother to come with us on our vacation?	for context: my f25 husband's m27 remaining parent passed away about 4 months ago. he has a 17 yo brother (ryan) who is now living with their aunt. he's autistic and i kind of find it hard to interact with him and being around him generally gives me anxiety. anyways, my husband and i planned to go on vacation and he told me that he would like to take ryan with us to cheer him up a bit after all that he's been through. i declined but he went on about how this isn't a couple's getaway and that he was okay with me bringing my friend with us and asked why he can't bring ryan. i told him that first of, i already stated how i can't handle ryan's autism and also, i've never been on vacation with him and i don't know how he would behave. my husband got offended and called me cruel to think it's ok to exclude his brother who is now so orphan basically just because of slight inconveniences. i told him to drop it but he lectured me about how he's the one paying for it which really irked me because i'd paid for so many things in the past. his aunt called to give me "stern talk" about this saying that ryan did nothing to me and that it was cruel of me to try to exclude him and ignore my husband's wishes. we're still arguing about it and my friend thinks that my husband is trying to control me by using the fact that he is the one paying to spring whoever he wants on me on the vacation.	10,259	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wj806d/aita_not_wanting_my_husbands_17_yo_brother_to/	2022-08-08 12:47:02	yta. the ableism is strong here. and your friend is enabling your bullshit.	yta. kid lost his parent, your friend is coming, husband is paying? yeah. also, info needed: why does his autism make you anxious?	if i were your husband, i’d leave you at home and take the brother. you’re what he needs a vacation from.	yta, how people treat the disabled says alot about their character. my bro in law is autistic as well and i would never exclude him because he is different and can have small episodes at times. i'm not surprised your husband is mad, you sound like a spoiled child.	yta the kid (and your husband) just lost their parent ffs.	yta i don’t think your husband is trying to sub you into the idea because he’s paying, he’s obviously angry because he’s trying to do something nice for his brother who he loves, because they’ve been through a tough time. why can’t they go together without you? that’s what i’d do.	info: what about your 17yo orphaned brother in law's autism makes him worth excluding?	yta. 'he's autistic and i kind of find it hard to interact with him and being around him generally gives me anxiety.' this is a you issue, and one to speak to a therapist about. it's not ok to exclude someone because they have autism. and that is what you are doing. your husband's comment about paying for the holiday was shitty. but no, he is not trying to control you. he's trying to include his little brother who lost his parents 4months ago. sometimes sucking it up and being kind is the best thing to do. if you weren't bringing a friend i'd have considered saying nta.	nta. my adult bil is severely autistic and any trip outside of his normal routine would trigger over stimulation. it would be unpleasant for everyone including him to be there. we don't know the extent of your bil's autism, but your feelings should be considered. if care of your bil was not something you signed up for, or are willing to help with, you need to be clear with your husband. this may be a deal breaker for you both.	yta >i've never been on vacation with him and i don't know how he would behave you won't find out if you don't go on vacation with him	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	INFO	YTA	NTA	YTA	0.074074	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: for context: my f25 husband's m27 remaining parent passed away about 4 months ago. he has a 17 yo brother (ryan) who is now living with their aunt. he's autistic and i kind of find it hard to interact with him and being around him generally gives me anxiety. anyways, my husband and i planned to go on vacation and he told me that he would like to take ryan with us to cheer him up a bit after all that he's been through. i declined but he went on about how this isn't a couple's getaway and that he was okay with me bringing my friend with us and asked why he can't bring ryan. i told him that first of, i already stated how i can't handle ryan's autism and also, i've never been on vacation with him and i don't know how he would behave. my husband got offended and called me cruel to think it's ok to exclude his brother who is now so orphan basically just because of slight inconveniences. i told him to drop it but he lectured me about how he's the one paying for it which really irked me because i'd paid for so many things in the past. his aunt called to give me "stern talk" about this saying that ryan did nothing to me and that it was cruel of me to try to exclude him and ignore my husband's wishes. we're still arguing about it and my friend thinks that my husband is trying to control me by using the fact that he is the one paying to spring whoever he wants on me on the vacation.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> for context: my f25 husband's m27 remaining parent passed away about 4 months ago. he has a 17 yo brother (ryan) who is now living with their aunt. he's autistic and i kind of find it hard to interact with him and being around him generally gives me anxiety. anyways, my husband and i planned to go on vacation and he told me that he would like to take ryan with us to cheer him up a bit after all that he's been through. i declined but he went on about how this isn't a couple's getaway and that he was okay with me bringing my friend with us and asked why he can't bring ryan. i told him that first of, i already stated how i can't handle ryan's autism and also, i've never been on vacation with him and i don't know how he would behave. my husband got offended and called me cruel to think it's ok to exclude his brother who is now so orphan basically just because of slight inconveniences. i told him to drop it but he lectured me about how he's the one paying for it which really irked me because i'd paid for so many things in the past. his aunt called to give me "stern talk" about this saying that ryan did nothing to me and that it was cruel of me to try to exclude him and ignore my husband's wishes. we're still arguing about it and my friend thinks that my husband is trying to control me by using the fact that he is the one paying to spring whoever he wants on me on the vacation. [/INST] yta. the ableism is strong here. and your friend is enabling your bullshit. </s>
AITA for asking my wife to quit her job after her boss tried to kiss her?	so i am m24 and my wife is f25. she is my highschool sweetheart, we´ve been together since we were 18 and went through uni together too. we married last year and overall everything is going really well. this year she started a job in a fashion store (its her first job ever) and she really enjoys it there. so she frequently goes to after work dinners and drinks with her co-workers, most of which are male. im fine with that of course, i fully trust her and know she would never want to cheat on me. also she always tells me everything and doesnt leave out details. i know all of her co-workers, including her boss, ive met them a few times before. so the other day she tells me that after one of those evening outs with her co-workers she was walking with her boss back to the store to pick something up at around 4am, and he tried to kiss her. she of course pulled away right away (i believe her) and she went home to me to tell me straight away. of course i am freaking out, i dont like this one bit, her boss knows me, he knows we are married. so the next morning i gathered my thoughts and told her straight up that i would like her to quit her job. i dont feel comfortable her working there anymore. she says im overreacting, she would never do anything with him and she loves her job and enjoys getting paid of course. she is not even considering looking for something else, she really wants to stay there but i feel super uncomfortable. she said she wouldnt go for drinks alone with her boss anymore, but honestly thats not enough for me. aita for asking her to quit her job?	6,966	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ox5h2y/aita_for_asking_my_wife_to_quit_her_job_after_her/	2021-08-03 15:12:04	yta. her boss should be puished, not her. but it isn't normal for people to be out with their boss until 4 a.m. either. this sounds off.	yta you don't get to dictate whether or not she quits her job. you can tell her you're worried about her safety or encourage her to report her boss to hr or explore other job options, but you don't get to tell you want her to quit.	she should report him. he should be the one to leave not her. yta a woman shouldn’t take consequences for a man’s actions or vice versa	yta. i mean, the boss sucks, but in the conflict between you and your wife, yta. this is 100% her call. if she doesn't feel comfortable, she can make the choice to leave, but it sounds like she's handling the situation just fine. >she said she wouldnt go for drinks alone with her boss anymore, but honestly thats not enough for me. it sounds like you're afraid your wife will cheat on you. that's your issue to fix, not hers.	yta there was a situation, she handled it correctly and you are trying to punish her for it this is how you make sure she doesn’t tell you in the future by being this controlling and unreasonable	nta-you want to be in protective mode, but you need to be in supportive mode. your wife shared what happened and that goes to show she trusts you to have her back and to be a firm support to her. you say you trust her, so trust her to make the right decision and to continue to let you know what’s happening. instead of quitting, you both can sit and develop a specific plan of action if her boss tries again or does something else.	she shouldn’t have to lose her job due to a man. encourage her to go to hr or whatever, not to quit.	yta and the boss too. the boss for what he did and you for trying to make your wife quit. why should she? she didn't do anything wrong, if she wanted to report it she could. i don't see why she needs to give up something she enjoys because of her boss and your insecurity. you said you trust her but you're not taking her words for it.	so... wife is in danger and has literally just been sexually assaulted and people are ragging on op for not wanting her to remain in that situation? are we just skipping over this little tidbit? its not about control like many are making it seem, it's about concern. would any of you want any of your loved ones to remain in a situation where they have actively been sexually assaulted? boss already knew the boundaries and crossed them anyway. nah. i get her wanting to keep the job she likes, but i also side with op. this shit, if it's just going to be swept under the rug, isn't healthy and if she isn't going to pursue anything from it then i wouldn't want my so there either.	yta. she shouldn't have to quit because someone else tried to kiss her. her boss could be fired for what happened why would you ask her to quit?	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	NTA	null	YTA	NAH	YTA	0.111464	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so i am m24 and my wife is f25. she is my highschool sweetheart, we´ve been together since we were 18 and went through uni together too. we married last year and overall everything is going really well. this year she started a job in a fashion store (its her first job ever) and she really enjoys it there. so she frequently goes to after work dinners and drinks with her co-workers, most of which are male. im fine with that of course, i fully trust her and know she would never want to cheat on me. also she always tells me everything and doesnt leave out details. i know all of her co-workers, including her boss, ive met them a few times before. so the other day she tells me that after one of those evening outs with her co-workers she was walking with her boss back to the store to pick something up at around 4am, and he tried to kiss her. she of course pulled away right away (i believe her) and she went home to me to tell me straight away. of course i am freaking out, i dont like this one bit, her boss knows me, he knows we are married. so the next morning i gathered my thoughts and told her straight up that i would like her to quit her job. i dont feel comfortable her working there anymore. she says im overreacting, she would never do anything with him and she loves her job and enjoys getting paid of course. she is not even considering looking for something else, she really wants to stay there but i feel super uncomfortable. she said she wouldnt go for drinks alone with her boss anymore, but honestly thats not enough for me. aita for asking her to quit her job?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> so i am m24 and my wife is f25. she is my highschool sweetheart, we´ve been together since we were 18 and went through uni together too. we married last year and overall everything is going really well. this year she started a job in a fashion store (its her first job ever) and she really enjoys it there. so she frequently goes to after work dinners and drinks with her co-workers, most of which are male. im fine with that of course, i fully trust her and know she would never want to cheat on me. also she always tells me everything and doesnt leave out details. i know all of her co-workers, including her boss, ive met them a few times before. so the other day she tells me that after one of those evening outs with her co-workers she was walking with her boss back to the store to pick something up at around 4am, and he tried to kiss her. she of course pulled away right away (i believe her) and she went home to me to tell me straight away. of course i am freaking out, i dont like this one bit, her boss knows me, he knows we are married. so the next morning i gathered my thoughts and told her straight up that i would like her to quit her job. i dont feel comfortable her working there anymore. she says im overreacting, she would never do anything with him and she loves her job and enjoys getting paid of course. she is not even considering looking for something else, she really wants to stay there but i feel super uncomfortable. she said she wouldnt go for drinks alone with her boss anymore, but honestly thats not enough for me. aita for asking her to quit her job? [/INST] yta. her boss should be puished, not her. but it isn't normal for people to be out with their boss until 4 a.m. either. this sounds off. </s>
AITA for getting mad my bridesmaid won't come to my Bachelorette party?	i'm getting married in a week. one of my bridesmaids, june, is pretty much the opposite of me. shes very reserved whereas i am a party type gal--love going out to clubs with my fiance! anyways, for my bachelorette party, i wanted to go hire male strippers. everyone thought it was a great idea...except june. june said she was happy i was happy, but she wouldn't be attending that type of event. i asked her why, i made sure to plan it on a day everyone could come. she said it wasn't something she was comfortable with. i got upset and told her its not about her comfort, its about attending to support me. she told me she would be very upset if her husband attended a party with strippers and so she woule never even ask to do the same. it would be "hypocritical" of her to hold him to those standards but expect to be able to do what she wanted just bc it was my bachelorette. june told me she'd be happy to attend once they left but there was no way she'd disrespect her husband like that. she also said that even if he wasn't in the picture, shes not comfortable with it. i got very upset and told her she was a bad friend for completely refusing to even ask her husband or to put aside her goody-two-shoes attitude for one night thats for me, not her or her husband. aita for getting mad? **	5,507	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/j4zfam/aita_for_getting_mad_my_bridesmaid_wont_come_to/	2020-10-04 14:04:34	yta not everyone is comfortable with nudity, i am, but i realize that not everybody is me. so stop forcing and peer-pressuring your friend into male nudity. she said she would attend once they leave to support you. that doesn't make her a bad friend. i mean i find strippers incredibly tacky and there is a literal pandemic, but i guess you do your bachelorette party	yta. you’re trying to force her into doing something that’s clearly over the line for her. she gets to have boundaries just like anyone else. she’s not stopping you, she just doesn’t want to do it. calling her a bad friend makes you a huge a.	yta - you really aren't important enough to disrespect someone's marriage for some stupid party. also, there is a global pandemic. why the hell are you inviting strangers to come rub themselves all over you? not only are you vain, but irresponsible too.	yta. she clearly states that she is not comfortable attending a party with strippers and she even explains why, with reasons which i think are good reasons to not attend such an event. she says she is willing to join the party after the strippers leave, so what is the big deal? that way both of you can have what you want: you have your strippers, she doesn't need to see them. you're an absolute asshole for putting your friend in a position she clearly does not want to be in when she even offers an option that would suit both of you.	yta. a major me me me bridezilla ah. so basically you want your friend to get into an uncomfortable sexual situation just to make you happy...and you really have to ask if yta?	i mean, she’s trying to be respectful to her husband and honor her marriage as she sees fit. maybe tell her thanks for the free pre-marriage lesson ? she offered a compromise as well (also needed in marriage) and you’re having a tantrum. come on, op. stop being ta.	yta. you know she’s a reserved person. there’s nothing wrong with her not wanting to do it. i see your responses to posts get sidetracked on her husband controlling her whatever. he seems to have nothing to do with that it’s just not something she wants to do for her own reasons. you’re turning this into a friendship test. that’s crappy. she said she’ll come for the after party. is nothing good enough for you?	info: what "support" do you need on a bachelorette party?!	you’re such an asshole. i hope she dumps you. i would. yta	wow. just wow. ok so first off: yta. i’ve read some of your comments, and my god i hope you’re a troll. if not i’m nominating you for biggest douche of the universe. you say “people are getting mad about strippers.” no, we aren’t. we are saying it’s not right for you to ask, nay demand, that your friend do something she is deeply uncomfortable with. it doesn’t matter if it’s strippers or swimming with sharks, if the person is uncomfortable that’s the end of discussion. if she is that uncomfortable why would you want her there? sure she could suck it up, but would she really be that much of a comfort to you if she’s quiet and withdrawn? also why do you need support for strippers? if your friend does go, how is that supporting you? is she going to be behind you screaming “yeah, slap that ass!!” you came to a sub asking if you were the asshole. it’s unanimous, yta. stop getting upset about it. you just wanted us to say “nooooooooooooooo you’re right. you’re definitely not a bridezilla. you should %100 keep steamrolling over your friends cause what they want/need pales in comparison to you, you beautiful white butterfly!” when that didn’t happen you doubled down. sit down and rethink your life choice up to this point.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	INFO	YTA	YTA	0.00388	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i'm getting married in a week. one of my bridesmaids, june, is pretty much the opposite of me. shes very reserved whereas i am a party type gal--love going out to clubs with my fiance! anyways, for my bachelorette party, i wanted to go hire male strippers. everyone thought it was a great idea...except june. june said she was happy i was happy, but she wouldn't be attending that type of event. i asked her why, i made sure to plan it on a day everyone could come. she said it wasn't something she was comfortable with. i got upset and told her its not about her comfort, its about attending to support me. she told me she would be very upset if her husband attended a party with strippers and so she woule never even ask to do the same. it would be "hypocritical" of her to hold him to those standards but expect to be able to do what she wanted just bc it was my bachelorette. june told me she'd be happy to attend once they left but there was no way she'd disrespect her husband like that. she also said that even if he wasn't in the picture, shes not comfortable with it. i got very upset and told her she was a bad friend for completely refusing to even ask her husband or to put aside her goody-two-shoes attitude for one night thats for me, not her or her husband. aita for getting mad? **	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i'm getting married in a week. one of my bridesmaids, june, is pretty much the opposite of me. shes very reserved whereas i am a party type gal--love going out to clubs with my fiance! anyways, for my bachelorette party, i wanted to go hire male strippers. everyone thought it was a great idea...except june. june said she was happy i was happy, but she wouldn't be attending that type of event. i asked her why, i made sure to plan it on a day everyone could come. she said it wasn't something she was comfortable with. i got upset and told her its not about her comfort, its about attending to support me. she told me she would be very upset if her husband attended a party with strippers and so she woule never even ask to do the same. it would be "hypocritical" of her to hold him to those standards but expect to be able to do what she wanted just bc it was my bachelorette. june told me she'd be happy to attend once they left but there was no way she'd disrespect her husband like that. she also said that even if he wasn't in the picture, shes not comfortable with it. i got very upset and told her she was a bad friend for completely refusing to even ask her husband or to put aside her goody-two-shoes attitude for one night thats for me, not her or her husband. aita for getting mad? ** [/INST] yta not everyone is comfortable with nudity, i am, but i realize that not everybody is me. so stop forcing and peer-pressuring your friend into male nudity. she said she would attend once they leave to support you. that doesn't make her a bad friend. i mean i find strippers incredibly tacky and there is a literal pandemic, but i guess you do your bachelorette party </s>
AITA For uninviting my mom, then my aunt then my sister to my wedding after they wanted my fiancee to do this at the wedding?	me m30 and my soon-to be wife f28 are expecting our first baby together. all my family are hardcore christians. so they weren't happy with us having a baby before getting married. my fiancee and i decided to have the wedding before our baby arrives. thankfully everyone in the family supported this decision and wanted to help. we're getting married on march. however the problem started when my fiancee was showing the women in my family pictures of her wedding dress. mom and my aunt got mad at her for picking a dress that's 'revealing' and said that it'd show guests her pregnancy and they didn't want that. said that they won't accept that and demanded she return/replace it with another wedding gown to cover up. my fiancee was crying saying that my mom was pressuring her and coming up with other-wedding dress suggestions that aren't her style. i told my mom she was overstepping hugely. and that it's funny she thinks of her grandbaby as something to hide and be ashamed of. my mom got into an argument with me. lashed out and said i should not be putting them in this awful position. i told her she was uninvited since she refused to stop. she got my aunt(ie) involved. i simply replied to her shaming text by telling her she too got uninvited to the wedding. i kid you not my sister kept berating me and claiming my fiancee is being the problem and a bride-zilla. i told her she too was uninvited and i let it be known that everyone will be uninvited too if they try to get involved. that's when shit hit the fan. now dad and the others are furious saying "jayyyysus adam you messed up big time" and went to call me un-effin-reasonable. saying i need to re-invite my mom , aunt , sister asap and get my fiancee to return her 'offensive' dress because that's the least i could do for them. in fact they said i should be on my knees begging them to show up after i made them look bad for getting my fiancee pregnant before getting married. i haven't talked to them yet. they made my fiancee feel bad about every choice we made. including uninviting the family. my little sister likes my fiancee's dress. at least there's a supportive member in my family. my brother and his wife just keep parroting my mom's hurtful words and calling me a doormat for doing this.	21,004	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/lo8ulp/aita_for_uninviting_my_mom_then_my_aunt_then_my/	2021-02-20 15:01:54	nta, uninvite the whole frickin family. you'll have a better time without them	nta. and while you're at it, you might wanna uninvite your dad as well.	nta. sounds like you’re well on your way to being a wonderful husband and father who knows how to set boundaries for his family.	nta. i love how staunchly you're supporting your partner. go you good person!	nta. first, good for you standing up for your fiancee. second, look at this from a training/learning perspective. if you do what they are asking you will teach them that they can bully you and they will ultimately get their way. they will not back down after this. it will get worse. and omg i am imagining the arguing about how you parent and what they are entitled to as grandparents. you won't get a say. you need to keep this boundary. you can offer an olive branch that they will be welcome at the wedding if (and only if) they apologize to the bride. that's it. for the male members of the family - "i am not discussing this with you." and end the call/walk away, every time.	nta. do they expect you to keep hiding the baby after they're born too? ugh. good on you for standing up for your fiancee!	nta. calling her a bride-zilla just because she wants her own dress and not their pick? are they real ? my own sister was pregnant for her wedding and she wore a form fitting dress. she was gorgeous. some might say uninvating them is extrême but i don't think so. if you had let them come, they would have ruined your wedding with their entilted attitude. enjoy your wedding. it's your day, not theirs. and if your family wants to meet their grandkid, have them apologize to you and your wife for their attitude.	nta. your family are, but you know that. a 'wedding' function is for others, the marriage is for you and your soon to be wife. consider eloping, fiancee can wear her beautiful dress with pride and love, you can both relax and enjoy your lovely ceremony. all the best to you both, and your little bundle of joy.	nta uninvite the lot of them. go nc with the entire lot. your wedding with your girlfriend, your choice. your fiance being pregnant is nothing to be ashamed of. ask yourself if you really want these narrow minded bigots at your special day? do you really want these people around to influence your child? your wedding should include people who not only love but support you. these people want to force the two of you to conform to their narrow standards. you are better off without these people at your wedding and more than likely, in your life. congratulations!!!! tell them to kick rocks and go live your life with your wife, the way you want to live!!!!	what's that old biblical saying: " for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, " perhaps your parents and extended christian family would do well to remember it, along with "judge not, that ye be not judged." the way they are treating your fiancee' is unwarranted and unfair, and you are rightly standing up for her against their attacks. so, nta on the other hand, i would not be one to immediately jump on the "you're uninvited" bandwagon. my first response would be something like this: "this is the dress df wants and loves, and i will hear no more about it. you are more than welcome to join in our joy, but if the whole thing is too embarrassing for you, or you don't feel that you can attend with good grace and good will, then please do not come to ruin this happy day for us. i will leave that up to you. attend, and be nice, or you will be asked to leave." you could still do that.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: me m30 and my soon-to be wife f28 are expecting our first baby together. all my family are hardcore christians. so they weren't happy with us having a baby before getting married. my fiancee and i decided to have the wedding before our baby arrives. thankfully everyone in the family supported this decision and wanted to help. we're getting married on march. however the problem started when my fiancee was showing the women in my family pictures of her wedding dress. mom and my aunt got mad at her for picking a dress that's 'revealing' and said that it'd show guests her pregnancy and they didn't want that. said that they won't accept that and demanded she return/replace it with another wedding gown to cover up. my fiancee was crying saying that my mom was pressuring her and coming up with other-wedding dress suggestions that aren't her style. i told my mom she was overstepping hugely. and that it's funny she thinks of her grandbaby as something to hide and be ashamed of. my mom got into an argument with me. lashed out and said i should not be putting them in this awful position. i told her she was uninvited since she refused to stop. she got my aunt(ie) involved. i simply replied to her shaming text by telling her she too got uninvited to the wedding. i kid you not my sister kept berating me and claiming my fiancee is being the problem and a bride-zilla. i told her she too was uninvited and i let it be known that everyone will be uninvited too if they try to get involved. that's when shit hit the fan. now dad and the others are furious saying "jayyyysus adam you messed up big time" and went to call me un-effin-reasonable. saying i need to re-invite my mom , aunt , sister asap and get my fiancee to return her 'offensive' dress because that's the least i could do for them. in fact they said i should be on my knees begging them to show up after i made them look bad for getting my fiancee pregnant before getting married. i haven't talked to them yet. they made my fiancee feel bad about every choice we made. including uninviting the family. my little sister likes my fiancee's dress. at least there's a supportive member in my family. my brother and his wife just keep parroting my mom's hurtful words and calling me a doormat for doing this.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> me m30 and my soon-to be wife f28 are expecting our first baby together. all my family are hardcore christians. so they weren't happy with us having a baby before getting married. my fiancee and i decided to have the wedding before our baby arrives. thankfully everyone in the family supported this decision and wanted to help. we're getting married on march. however the problem started when my fiancee was showing the women in my family pictures of her wedding dress. mom and my aunt got mad at her for picking a dress that's 'revealing' and said that it'd show guests her pregnancy and they didn't want that. said that they won't accept that and demanded she return/replace it with another wedding gown to cover up. my fiancee was crying saying that my mom was pressuring her and coming up with other-wedding dress suggestions that aren't her style. i told my mom she was overstepping hugely. and that it's funny she thinks of her grandbaby as something to hide and be ashamed of. my mom got into an argument with me. lashed out and said i should not be putting them in this awful position. i told her she was uninvited since she refused to stop. she got my aunt(ie) involved. i simply replied to her shaming text by telling her she too got uninvited to the wedding. i kid you not my sister kept berating me and claiming my fiancee is being the problem and a bride-zilla. i told her she too was uninvited and i let it be known that everyone will be uninvited too if they try to get involved. that's when shit hit the fan. now dad and the others are furious saying "jayyyysus adam you messed up big time" and went to call me un-effin-reasonable. saying i need to re-invite my mom , aunt , sister asap and get my fiancee to return her 'offensive' dress because that's the least i could do for them. in fact they said i should be on my knees begging them to show up after i made them look bad for getting my fiancee pregnant before getting married. i haven't talked to them yet. they made my fiancee feel bad about every choice we made. including uninviting the family. my little sister likes my fiancee's dress. at least there's a supportive member in my family. my brother and his wife just keep parroting my mom's hurtful words and calling me a doormat for doing this. [/INST] nta, uninvite the whole frickin family. you'll have a better time without them </s>
AITA for using my BFs last name, even though we're not yet married?	i've created a throwaway because i usually lurk here but don't have a main reddit account. this is not a big dramatic situation, but i'm curious about what people will think since this has really divided people in my life. i (30f) work as a copywriter in a fairly competitive field. i write in english even though i'm not an english native, but i have been working in this field and in english for over 6 years. now, a couple of years ago i was looking for a new job and having difficulty getting interviews. after some time, i realized it may have been because my last name is very typical of my country (think martinez or similar) and people were screening me assuming my english level. to a/b test this theory, i asked my boyfriend, who is white and english-native, if i could use his last name to apply for jobs. i didn't see it as a big deal as we're planning on getting married and me taking his last name anyway. to be clear: other than the name on the cv, i made no claims to be an actual english native, just native-level, and i'm always honest about my background in interviews. well, guess what? it worked. i got my current job based on that cv, and now use his last name on linkedin and all professional channels. recently, i shared this story with a (white, english-native) friend of mine and they were extremely offended. firstly they accused me of denying my culture, birth country, and trying to be white. then they said i was lying to companies and misrepresenting myself, and that i could be stealing this job from more deserving people. he even implied that he would go to my current company and "reveal my secret" which is ridiculous as i've provided my id to them, so they know that this is not my "official" name?? i was taken aback at how seriously angry he got at this, and i wanted to know... am i the asshole for using my bf's last name professionally?	20,148	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jstemd/aita_for_using_my_bfs_last_name_even_though_were/	2020-11-12 12:00:03	nta, sure the change in last name might have gotten them to look at your cv a bit closer, but your achievements and experience don’t lie, you got that job on your own merit and for him to suggest that you are taking this job away from someone “more deserving” that actually does have a white last name is problematic and racist in itself.	nta -- and you could tell your friend that actual studies have been done about this exact issue and people with "ethnic" names get called back less than half as much as people with "white" names. i'd also reply, "and if i wanted to be white i'd have to learn how to invade peaceful countries to control their oil resources," but i'm snarky like that.	nta. i think your friend should be more concerned the obvious hidden racism/bias going on here (that's you were experiencing). there's studies that confirm your exact situation: that using a less "foreign" sounding name results in more job responses. i wonder if this "friend" would have the same reaction if you changed your name after marriage? this is a very over the top reaction honestly, over a last name.	nta. holy s\\t..."stealing this job from more deserving people", because someone might have been chosen over you for having a more nationally typical last name? the only way i can make sense of that is if your friend is an open racist, who thinks people deserve jobs based on their national/ethnic/cultural background. from my american perspective, while such hiring discrimination is extremely common, it's relatively rare for someone to openly argue that it's unethical not to encourage such discrimination. that places your friend firmly in the asshole category. i'm surprised you still refer to them as your friend...that should be a quick ticket to "former friend" status.	nta, and your friend is speaking from a place of privilege. in the book racism without racists you can find a study about how ethnic names on otherwise identical resumes are commonly rejected over "white " sounding names. it's not your fault society is racist. you found an ethical workaround. your friend needs to chill.	nta. your friend is being ridiculous and i would consider whether that’s the kind of friend you want.	nta. wanting to feel connected to your culture is a perfectly legit reason to keep your last name. but if you don’t feel the need to do that i don’t see how it’s rejecting your culture. my italian mum took my dads last name and she still feels very connected to her italian culture. in fact if you already know you were getting married and taking his last name in the future it’s pretty practical to change it professionally anyway. i read a story on reddit a while ago where a phd student legally changed her name to her fiancé’s last name because she knew she wanted to after they got married and she didn’t want her first academic paper in one name and her future papers in another name. i know someone else who decided but to take her husbands last name specifically because she already had been academically published under her last name and didn’t want to have different names on her work.	nta. as a black man with a misspelled french last name and fluent in code switching, i've lost count of the times i walked into an interview and they clearly were expecting anything but an nfl linebacker in front of them.	nta. your friend needs to check his privledge. if you are "scamming" companies by using a "white-typical" name to get a job, the problem lies with the company's implicit biases, not with you. my bf is a white british male but has an unusual dutch name and similar assumptions have been made about him. he changed his first name on his cv to a more typical english one and noticed he was getting through to interview stages more frequently. again he's not scamming companies, just doing what he's gotta do to get in a door and show people his worth. it's not right, but the fault is on the company's side not yours.	nta- i think what you did is smart and doing your best to navigate a system rigged against you. your “friend” is being a jerk. congratulations on your new job! i’m sure you will rock at it!	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i've created a throwaway because i usually lurk here but don't have a main reddit account. this is not a big dramatic situation, but i'm curious about what people will think since this has really divided people in my life. i (30f) work as a copywriter in a fairly competitive field. i write in english even though i'm not an english native, but i have been working in this field and in english for over 6 years. now, a couple of years ago i was looking for a new job and having difficulty getting interviews. after some time, i realized it may have been because my last name is very typical of my country (think martinez or similar) and people were screening me assuming my english level. to a/b test this theory, i asked my boyfriend, who is white and english-native, if i could use his last name to apply for jobs. i didn't see it as a big deal as we're planning on getting married and me taking his last name anyway. to be clear: other than the name on the cv, i made no claims to be an actual english native, just native-level, and i'm always honest about my background in interviews. well, guess what? it worked. i got my current job based on that cv, and now use his last name on linkedin and all professional channels. recently, i shared this story with a (white, english-native) friend of mine and they were extremely offended. firstly they accused me of denying my culture, birth country, and trying to be white. then they said i was lying to companies and misrepresenting myself, and that i could be stealing this job from more deserving people. he even implied that he would go to my current company and "reveal my secret" which is ridiculous as i've provided my id to them, so they know that this is not my "official" name?? i was taken aback at how seriously angry he got at this, and i wanted to know... am i the asshole for using my bf's last name professionally?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i've created a throwaway because i usually lurk here but don't have a main reddit account. this is not a big dramatic situation, but i'm curious about what people will think since this has really divided people in my life. i (30f) work as a copywriter in a fairly competitive field. i write in english even though i'm not an english native, but i have been working in this field and in english for over 6 years. now, a couple of years ago i was looking for a new job and having difficulty getting interviews. after some time, i realized it may have been because my last name is very typical of my country (think martinez or similar) and people were screening me assuming my english level. to a/b test this theory, i asked my boyfriend, who is white and english-native, if i could use his last name to apply for jobs. i didn't see it as a big deal as we're planning on getting married and me taking his last name anyway. to be clear: other than the name on the cv, i made no claims to be an actual english native, just native-level, and i'm always honest about my background in interviews. well, guess what? it worked. i got my current job based on that cv, and now use his last name on linkedin and all professional channels. recently, i shared this story with a (white, english-native) friend of mine and they were extremely offended. firstly they accused me of denying my culture, birth country, and trying to be white. then they said i was lying to companies and misrepresenting myself, and that i could be stealing this job from more deserving people. he even implied that he would go to my current company and "reveal my secret" which is ridiculous as i've provided my id to them, so they know that this is not my "official" name?? i was taken aback at how seriously angry he got at this, and i wanted to know... am i the asshole for using my bf's last name professionally? [/INST] nta, sure the change in last name might have gotten them to look at your cv a bit closer, but your achievements and experience don’t lie, you got that job on your own merit and for him to suggest that you are taking this job away from someone “more deserving” that actually does have a white last name is problematic and racist in itself. </s>
AITA for choosing a football game over a wedding?	so my wife's friend has a wedding coming up this sunday that is a few hours away from where we live. the bride is a close friend of my wife's from college but i've only met her a handful of times and to be honest she kind of sucks. when we rsvp'd a year ago i wasn't exactly thrilled to be traveling three hours and spending hundreds of dollars for someone i don't even really like. the other thing is that when i rsvp'd a year ago the nfl schedule wasn't out. i know that sounds silly but for anyone who follows football this is a special, special week in sports history because tom brady is returning to play the new england patriots. (for the brits/non sports people: tom brady was the quarterback for the new england patriots for 20 seasons and won 6 "championships" with them. he won a "championship" last year in his first season with tampa bay and has yet to return to new england. until this sunday). i won't get further into the drama (goat vs rookie qb, the brady/belichick debate) but suffice to say this game is monumental and is going to be quite literally historical. a once in a lifetime game for any football fan and especially for a diehard patriots fan like myself. i can't miss it. to be honest i totally forgot about the wedding day until a few weeks ago and when i realize the date i was devastated but i didn't know how to approach the wife. i knew it would look bad so last week i reached out to her gay best friend tito and asked if he had any plans for this sunday. he didn't and was actually thrilled at the idea of accompanying my wife as a plus one cause he loves dancing. so i floated this to her. and she flipped her shit. she told me it was rude and disrespectful and also downplayed the importance of the game just like i knew she would. i told her tito was happy to attend but she just gawked at me then started crying. i know i \look\ like the asshole here but am i? i'm not friends with the bride, my wife is, and watching brady growing up has effected my life more than the bride ever has or ever will. i also get that bailing on a wedding costs the bride and groom money so to prevent that i went out of my way to find a replacement. i told my wife she could tell the bride i was sick and nobody's gonna question that these days but she's still livid. so aita? or am i falling victim to a belief system that simply views football as a stupid game and nothing more? like i said, this game is literally once in a lifetime, something i'd tell my kids about.	7,524	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pyrskb/aita_for_choosing_a_football_game_over_a_wedding/	2021-09-30 20:09:28	yta it doesn't matter how much you like this friend of your wife's or how well you know her. this is part of being married. you go to events because you are a good partner, not necessarily because you really want to go yourself. i'm a huge football fan too, and while this game is historical, it is still just a week ~~3~~ 4 regular season game. if you want to see it then record it and watch it later. there is nothing about it that will be spoiled by not being able to watch it live.	yta - is tom brady going to give a shit about you missing the game? no because he doesn’t know who you are. you made a commitment to your wife and now you’re upset that you jumped the gun and the the wedding happens to be on such a “monumental” day. >i can’t miss it you can miss the game, you simply don’t want to because of your view of this friend and her wedding. well guess what, this isn’t about the friend or her wedding, it’s about your relationship with your wife. also, it’s pretty sly of you to get tito excited for the wedding before even discussing this with your wife. >i know i look like the asshole here, but am i? yes. you don’t look like anything, you just are the asshole here and you appear to already see that.	yta dude, i like football too, hell lots of people do, but this whole situation has nothing to do with football or your wife's shitty friend. it's about your wife and your relationship with her. you made a commitment to spend time with your wife that day. what you do is completely irrelevant. dude, you man the hell up and go to your wife's shitty friends wedding and sit there with a huge shit-eating grin on your face looking like you're having the greatest time of your life. not for you, or for football or for your wife's shitty friend. but for your wife. because you love her and want her to be happy.	individual commitment to a group effort - that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work. -lombardi yta. you and your wife are a team. you've pulled your self of the field and put in a sub. the sub is good, but not the dream team. you'd leave her standing in the end zone alone. be on her team. record the game. edit to say thanks for the awards! 😊	unless you are playing in this football game, yta.	yta have you lost your fucking mind	yta. i know you don't care about the people getting married, fine, but your wife does. that is what is important. not to mention you rsvp'd and committed. it's a wedding invitation. prioritize your marriage and her feelings over some stupid ball-throwing game, dude.	yta, you agreed to go. you knew 10 years ago that a sunday in october was going to have football games on the schedule. tom brady is not your friend hopefully your wife still is.	yta. you can record the game. it'll be played on tv more than once. it's not like you were going in person. you don't care for or about the bride, but your wife does. why are you so willing for her to drive 6 hours by herself and not have a date at the wedding? has tom brady affected you more than your wife?	yta for being a patriots fan :p	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so my wife's friend has a wedding coming up this sunday that is a few hours away from where we live. the bride is a close friend of my wife's from college but i've only met her a handful of times and to be honest she kind of sucks. when we rsvp'd a year ago i wasn't exactly thrilled to be traveling three hours and spending hundreds of dollars for someone i don't even really like. the other thing is that when i rsvp'd a year ago the nfl schedule wasn't out. i know that sounds silly but for anyone who follows football this is a special, special week in sports history because tom brady is returning to play the new england patriots. (for the brits/non sports people: tom brady was the quarterback for the new england patriots for 20 seasons and won 6 "championships" with them. he won a "championship" last year in his first season with tampa bay and has yet to return to new england. until this sunday). i won't get further into the drama (goat vs rookie qb, the brady/belichick debate) but suffice to say this game is monumental and is going to be quite literally historical. a once in a lifetime game for any football fan and especially for a diehard patriots fan like myself. i can't miss it. to be honest i totally forgot about the wedding day until a few weeks ago and when i realize the date i was devastated but i didn't know how to approach the wife. i knew it would look bad so last week i reached out to her gay best friend tito and asked if he had any plans for this sunday. he didn't and was actually thrilled at the idea of accompanying my wife as a plus one cause he loves dancing. so i floated this to her. and she flipped her shit. she told me it was rude and disrespectful and also downplayed the importance of the game just like i knew she would. i told her tito was happy to attend but she just gawked at me then started crying. i know i \look\ like the asshole here but am i? i'm not friends with the bride, my wife is, and watching brady growing up has effected my life more than the bride ever has or ever will. i also get that bailing on a wedding costs the bride and groom money so to prevent that i went out of my way to find a replacement. i told my wife she could tell the bride i was sick and nobody's gonna question that these days but she's still livid. so aita? or am i falling victim to a belief system that simply views football as a stupid game and nothing more? like i said, this game is literally once in a lifetime, something i'd tell my kids about.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> so my wife's friend has a wedding coming up this sunday that is a few hours away from where we live. the bride is a close friend of my wife's from college but i've only met her a handful of times and to be honest she kind of sucks. when we rsvp'd a year ago i wasn't exactly thrilled to be traveling three hours and spending hundreds of dollars for someone i don't even really like. the other thing is that when i rsvp'd a year ago the nfl schedule wasn't out. i know that sounds silly but for anyone who follows football this is a special, special week in sports history because tom brady is returning to play the new england patriots. (for the brits/non sports people: tom brady was the quarterback for the new england patriots for 20 seasons and won 6 "championships" with them. he won a "championship" last year in his first season with tampa bay and has yet to return to new england. until this sunday). i won't get further into the drama (goat vs rookie qb, the brady/belichick debate) but suffice to say this game is monumental and is going to be quite literally historical. a once in a lifetime game for any football fan and especially for a diehard patriots fan like myself. i can't miss it. to be honest i totally forgot about the wedding day until a few weeks ago and when i realize the date i was devastated but i didn't know how to approach the wife. i knew it would look bad so last week i reached out to her gay best friend tito and asked if he had any plans for this sunday. he didn't and was actually thrilled at the idea of accompanying my wife as a plus one cause he loves dancing. so i floated this to her. and she flipped her shit. she told me it was rude and disrespectful and also downplayed the importance of the game just like i knew she would. i told her tito was happy to attend but she just gawked at me then started crying. i know i \look\ like the asshole here but am i? i'm not friends with the bride, my wife is, and watching brady growing up has effected my life more than the bride ever has or ever will. i also get that bailing on a wedding costs the bride and groom money so to prevent that i went out of my way to find a replacement. i told my wife she could tell the bride i was sick and nobody's gonna question that these days but she's still livid. so aita? or am i falling victim to a belief system that simply views football as a stupid game and nothing more? like i said, this game is literally once in a lifetime, something i'd tell my kids about. [/INST] yta it doesn't matter how much you like this friend of your wife's or how well you know her. this is part of being married. you go to events because you are a good partner, not necessarily because you really want to go yourself. i'm a huge football fan too, and while this game is historical, it is still just a week ~~3~~ 4 regular season game. if you want to see it then record it and watch it later. there is nothing about it that will be spoiled by not being able to watch it live. </s>
AITA for telling my sister I'd rather die virgin then have kids like hers?	my f16 sister f31 has 2 kids ages 4 & 6. she had them after several miscarriges. they're living with us (me & my parents) now and let me just say thatthey. are. brats. literally and my sister and her husband (a doctor who's stuck in student debts still!!) spoil them rotten. i'm annoyed that they're with us but can't do anything about it so i just bear & grin^ but it all came to head yesterday...the youngest was complaining about wanting to watch tv while i was watching my show. my sister tasked me to let her kids watch tv i said no and told her to go away. she insisted and i still decline and she called me selfish but i called her an enabler but she replied saying she wasn't and that her kids come first and 'll understand when i have my own one day. i just told her "huh! i'd rather die virgin then have kids like yours" she was shocked she got mom involved and an argument ensued. mom told me to apologize immediately but i refused then my sister proceeded to cry calling me horrid for saying this infront of her kids then rushed upstairs and took the kids. mom said i was rude and selfish since i spent hours watching tv already and should've just let the kids having instead of acting rude not to mention the messed up thing i told my sister who had her kids after she and her husband had gone through a lot. aita?	6,511	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qyt18d/aita_for_telling_my_sister_id_rather_die_virgin/	2021-11-21 11:23:17	yta. no matter how annoyed you were, that's an incredibly messed up thing to say. >her husband (a doctor who's stuck in student debts still!!) what does this have to do with anything? most people who went to medical school are still in debt in their 30s. >my sister proceeded to cry calling me horrid for saying this infront of her kids you said it in front of your nieces/nephews? what a great way to make them feel loved by their aunt. you're acting like a brat just as much as they are.	if you really had been on the tv for hours before this, yta. the tv doesn't belong to you, it belongs to everyone. for saying that in front of the kids, yta again. for saying that to your sister who'd been through so many miscarriages, ah again. so, basically i'm wondering now who the real brat in that house is. the 4 and 6 year old little kids, or the person who's two years away from adulthood and is more immature than they are. in case i didn't make myself clear, yta	esh. you for what you said your sister for believing the phrase "kids come first" means you give them everything they want and spoil them. that isn't what it means at all	yta. if you'd been watching tv for hours then yes, that was selfish. let someone else have a turn at choosing a programme. you haven't given any examples of the kids acting like spoilt brats, only an example of yourself acting like a spoilt brat. what you said to your sister was spiteful. you know what she's been through and yet you don't seem to care. saying it in front of the kids was just awful, and it's bizarre that you can't see how hurtful this was. was your tv programme really so important that you had to upset everyone else? 'a doctor who's stuck in student debts still!!' - yes, medical school is expensive...so what?	"he's a doctor still in debt"...do you even know how much medical school costs ?	esh. your sister's kids may be spoilt, but you also acted entitled. from what you write, there are 4 adults and 3 kids in your home, and it seems all your nerves are getting frayed as a result of your cramped circumstances. perhaps you all need to sit down and discuss a schedule of not only tasks/chores, but access to shared "privileges" e.g. tv time. this is something all of you, including your niblings, can participate in. you could also include "rules" about privacy (e.g. who gets access to your room, why, and when).	yta, why would you need to say such a thing? why the need to say something so horrible over tv time? i understand the kids might be spoiled, but honestly, you're a decade older. take the high road here and try to restrain yourself from comments that will make you ta, they're not helping your case at all nor winning people over. honestly, you sound a bit immature here, which is understandable since you're super young, but this comment was way over the line. the way you comment about her husband not being free from debt makes you also sound judgemental and inexperienced. if i assume her husband is around her age, or even a decade older, then honestly, do you understand how young 30-ish is in a doctor career? medical education can be insanely expensive, and it's almost laughable to use his debt against him when it's got literally nothing to do with this situation. tip: always stick to the argument itself. otherwise you just revert to kindergarten name calling and solving nothing.	your house has too many people in it, with too disparate of ages, for 1 tv. your sister needs a tv and dvd player in her room or a playroom/rec room so the kids can watch "baby shark" all day long and not annoy all of the adults. money may be tight, but surely this can be managed, these things are much less expensive than they used to be. or they can let the kids have the one in the living room, and give you a tv for your own room, where you can have privacy and quiet. it seems to me that just adding 1 tv and 1 dvd player to your household would cause a massive decrease of friction and confrontation. such a simple solution. your sister also needs to have it pointed out to her that "the kids come first" is for the parents to follow. it's probably even something that the grandparents should follow, within reason. but aunts and uncles? no. while they should be considerate of the kids, they're allowed to put their main priority on themselves. they didn't volunteer to sacrifice their lives for these kids the way the parents did. frankly, i agree with your virgin sentiment, but you were an asshole to say it to a woman who's had several miscarriages, and especially an asshole for saying it in front of the kids. esh.	nta. if it was so important for her kids to watch tv at that exact moment she could have put a show on her phone/computer/tablet for them. if that wasn't an option then they just have to wait as you were there first. it's also a bit weird that a grown woman has to resort to telling your mom instead of resolving it between you two.	nta. you didn't have kids before you could afford them. you didnt enable your adult children by letting them move in with you. you are just a teenager in a situation you got stuck with. you do not need to participate in this shit-show. nor do you need to worry about what kids want, you will have plenty of time in the future (if that's your choice). focus on yourself because it sounds like everyone else is distracted.	YTA	YTA	ESH	YTA	null	ESH	YTA	ESH	NTA	NTA	0.288981	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my f16 sister f31 has 2 kids ages 4 & 6. she had them after several miscarriges. they're living with us (me & my parents) now and let me just say thatthey. are. brats. literally and my sister and her husband (a doctor who's stuck in student debts still!!) spoil them rotten. i'm annoyed that they're with us but can't do anything about it so i just bear & grin^ but it all came to head yesterday...the youngest was complaining about wanting to watch tv while i was watching my show. my sister tasked me to let her kids watch tv i said no and told her to go away. she insisted and i still decline and she called me selfish but i called her an enabler but she replied saying she wasn't and that her kids come first and 'll understand when i have my own one day. i just told her "huh! i'd rather die virgin then have kids like yours" she was shocked she got mom involved and an argument ensued. mom told me to apologize immediately but i refused then my sister proceeded to cry calling me horrid for saying this infront of her kids then rushed upstairs and took the kids. mom said i was rude and selfish since i spent hours watching tv already and should've just let the kids having instead of acting rude not to mention the messed up thing i told my sister who had her kids after she and her husband had gone through a lot. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my f16 sister f31 has 2 kids ages 4 & 6. she had them after several miscarriges. they're living with us (me & my parents) now and let me just say thatthey. are. brats. literally and my sister and her husband (a doctor who's stuck in student debts still!!) spoil them rotten. i'm annoyed that they're with us but can't do anything about it so i just bear & grin^ but it all came to head yesterday...the youngest was complaining about wanting to watch tv while i was watching my show. my sister tasked me to let her kids watch tv i said no and told her to go away. she insisted and i still decline and she called me selfish but i called her an enabler but she replied saying she wasn't and that her kids come first and 'll understand when i have my own one day. i just told her "huh! i'd rather die virgin then have kids like yours" she was shocked she got mom involved and an argument ensued. mom told me to apologize immediately but i refused then my sister proceeded to cry calling me horrid for saying this infront of her kids then rushed upstairs and took the kids. mom said i was rude and selfish since i spent hours watching tv already and should've just let the kids having instead of acting rude not to mention the messed up thing i told my sister who had her kids after she and her husband had gone through a lot. aita? [/INST] yta. no matter how annoyed you were, that's an incredibly messed up thing to say. >her husband (a doctor who's stuck in student debts still!!) what does this have to do with anything? most people who went to medical school are still in debt in their 30s. >my sister proceeded to cry calling me horrid for saying this infront of her kids you said it in front of your nieces/nephews? what a great way to make them feel loved by their aunt. you're acting like a brat just as much as they are. </s>
AITA for refusing to put my packaged snacks back in the fridge per my husband's request?	hi. i, f34, am diabetic and keeping packaged snacks near me is essential, because often times i get low blood suger, due to issues i have with appetite (i don't eat lunch or dinner properly). my brother in law and his pregnant wife moved in with us a month ago, the issue began when my sil started eating my snacks that i usually keep inside the fridge, i tried buying more snacks but sometimes they run out and i end up drinking water mixed with sugar in the middle of the night because i don't have anything else to eat and my husband won't go out to the store and get me anything. i told my husband and he told me to be patient with his brother's wife because she's pregnant and is considered "sort of sick" so she needs to be cut some slack. i had it to be honest, i moved all my snacks into the bedroom and inside a box just to keep them safe. sil said it was strange that i no longer buy snacks but i told her that i actually still do, i just keep them safe in my room so no one can touch them. she side-eyed me then an argument ensued after my husband and his brother came home. my husband berated me for being rude to sil and childish for moving the snacks and keeping them in the bedroom. i told him why i did that though, he know what was up but he said i overreacted and that there was no harm in sharing. he demanded i put whatever snacks i have back into the fridge and stop acting like a child but i said that i won't and if his sil and her husband get upset then they need to understand that i'm diabetic and need those snacks essentially. he yelled in my face calling me childish then walked out. bil and sil are cold shouldering me. and my husband keeps pushing for me to put the snacks back into the fridge where they belong or he won't speak to me as well. aita?	19,879	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/syv7bx/aita_for_refusing_to_put_my_packaged_snacks_back/	2022-02-22 18:54:11	nta. she can buy her own damn snacks. she’s gestating a baby, not turning into one.	nta lemme get this straight: two adults who are about to bring another human into the world are having a meltdown b/c you won't share your snacks? please tell me there is a plan for them to move out soon, b/c this will not get better when the baby shows up. they are going to have a laundry list of things you should be doing for them.	your pregnant sil needs to buy her own damned snacks. your pregnant sil needs to keep her hands off your snacks. your husband needs to back you up- you are drinking sugar water in the middle of the night because there is nothing else? this is wrong. your pregnant sil heeds to be grateful and respectful that you took her in. her entitled behavior is only going to get worse when the baby comes. i am so sorry. nta and tell your husband to pound sand and buy a mini fridge and get a lock on it and you don’t have to care if anybody likes it. take care of your own health first. it doesn’t sound much like anybody else cares about you and your diabetes. :(	nta you moved a medical product that you require to a location that ensures you'd have it when available. but if sil also needs snacks so badly, she can get her own supply & you can promise not to eat those like she did yours. mild y t a for telling sil that you were actually still buying snack. you should have just agreed with her, "yes, it is funny i don't get them any longer, isn't it?" and moved on. bunches of red flags waving about your husband, though. sil is considered 'sort of sick' due to her pregnancy and needs special treatment, but you're not considered actually sick because of your diabetes and given the same special treatment? your husband won't even run out to get you a medically necessary supply? he's putting sil's health above your own? he calls you 'childish' for doing the responsible thing in making sure your medical supplies are on hand when you need them? i mean...r/justnoso is calling you....	info: why can't sil buy her own snacks?	nta. your sil and bil can buy their own snacks. they're adults.	nta this is insane. i have a bin in my fridge labeled diabetic snacks, big sign on fridge diabetic snacks for diabetics only (we have diabetic friends who come over and they are welcome to those if they need them). we have a regular snack drawer in the pantry with very similar snacks. but everyone knows don’t mess with my snacks. i go out of my way to make sure the snacks in my box and the snack drawer stay full so this is never an issue. i could maybe see your sil taking a snack because she’s pregnant and hungry as long as it was replaced within 24 hours. also why are you responsible for providing them with food? the fact that your husband doesn’t seem to get that “snack” = lifesaving medicine for diabetics is insane to me. you have every right to protect yourself and safe guard your health. sil not getting to eat your designated snacks would do nothing to her. so very much nta.	as a type 1 diabetic of over 20 years, i can safely say that you are nta here under any circumstances. you keep snacks for medicinal purposes. i also keep snacks by my bed, in my bag, at work etc etc etc. if they can't see that you need sugary snacks sometimes for an actual health condition (pregnancy is not a fkin illness), then something is wrong with them.	nta. your husband is showing signs of being abusive.	>he said \[...\] there was no harm in sharing there... literally is though? nta, not at all. you're just looking out for your medical needs. (bc no one else will, apparently.)	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	INFO	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0.003	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: hi. i, f34, am diabetic and keeping packaged snacks near me is essential, because often times i get low blood suger, due to issues i have with appetite (i don't eat lunch or dinner properly). my brother in law and his pregnant wife moved in with us a month ago, the issue began when my sil started eating my snacks that i usually keep inside the fridge, i tried buying more snacks but sometimes they run out and i end up drinking water mixed with sugar in the middle of the night because i don't have anything else to eat and my husband won't go out to the store and get me anything. i told my husband and he told me to be patient with his brother's wife because she's pregnant and is considered "sort of sick" so she needs to be cut some slack. i had it to be honest, i moved all my snacks into the bedroom and inside a box just to keep them safe. sil said it was strange that i no longer buy snacks but i told her that i actually still do, i just keep them safe in my room so no one can touch them. she side-eyed me then an argument ensued after my husband and his brother came home. my husband berated me for being rude to sil and childish for moving the snacks and keeping them in the bedroom. i told him why i did that though, he know what was up but he said i overreacted and that there was no harm in sharing. he demanded i put whatever snacks i have back into the fridge and stop acting like a child but i said that i won't and if his sil and her husband get upset then they need to understand that i'm diabetic and need those snacks essentially. he yelled in my face calling me childish then walked out. bil and sil are cold shouldering me. and my husband keeps pushing for me to put the snacks back into the fridge where they belong or he won't speak to me as well. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> hi. i, f34, am diabetic and keeping packaged snacks near me is essential, because often times i get low blood suger, due to issues i have with appetite (i don't eat lunch or dinner properly). my brother in law and his pregnant wife moved in with us a month ago, the issue began when my sil started eating my snacks that i usually keep inside the fridge, i tried buying more snacks but sometimes they run out and i end up drinking water mixed with sugar in the middle of the night because i don't have anything else to eat and my husband won't go out to the store and get me anything. i told my husband and he told me to be patient with his brother's wife because she's pregnant and is considered "sort of sick" so she needs to be cut some slack. i had it to be honest, i moved all my snacks into the bedroom and inside a box just to keep them safe. sil said it was strange that i no longer buy snacks but i told her that i actually still do, i just keep them safe in my room so no one can touch them. she side-eyed me then an argument ensued after my husband and his brother came home. my husband berated me for being rude to sil and childish for moving the snacks and keeping them in the bedroom. i told him why i did that though, he know what was up but he said i overreacted and that there was no harm in sharing. he demanded i put whatever snacks i have back into the fridge and stop acting like a child but i said that i won't and if his sil and her husband get upset then they need to understand that i'm diabetic and need those snacks essentially. he yelled in my face calling me childish then walked out. bil and sil are cold shouldering me. and my husband keeps pushing for me to put the snacks back into the fridge where they belong or he won't speak to me as well. aita? [/INST] nta. she can buy her own damn snacks. she’s gestating a baby, not turning into one. </s>
AITA for making my SIL pay above average rent for one bedroom?	i am 100% being petty here but curious if i am actually wrong. most of my husbands family think i am being childish and "need to let the past go", as my sil can't afford this but her behavior toward us in the past makes me feel this is warranted. 2 years ago my house burnt to the ground after being struck by lightening. thankfully it was during the day so our 3 kids were at school and my husband and i were at work. we lost everything but we were safe. it took almost 11 months for the insurance to pay out. the insurance covered 1 month worth of hotel stays but after that we were made to fend for ourselves and the only option we had was to move in with my sil. she tells us we can have her spare room and her office space, since she used neither of the rooms and her stipulations was we needed to purchase all of our own food and pay her $100 a week. by week 3 all of that changed. she then decides we need to pay her $250 a week and we can only use one room. so all 5 of us were crammed in to the smallest room she had, which was the size of a glorified closet space and didn't even fit a twin bed and a small dresser (so we lived out of trash bags and slept on the floor) for close to $1000 a month some months and still had to purchase all of our own food, despite her claiming my children on her foodstamps. she also had no bills outside of her land tax ($450 a year), electric and heating oil (which she hardly ever filled). so we were essentially paying her so she could do leisure activities. it was the worst 8 months of my life. 3 months ago my grandmother decided that she wanted to go to assisted living after a fall and transferred the deed of her house to me and basically said it was mine now. it is a 5 bedroom farmhouse. my boys insist on sharing a room so we have 2 extra bedrooms. well, my sil lost her house last month due to not paying her land tax for several years and asked if her and her step daughter could stay with us until they get enough money to move down south. i said sure, 1 bedroom, $800 a month and you have to buy and cook all your food separately because my daughter is vegan. she looked at me like i had 10 heads and said that she and her step daughter should not be made to share a room when there are 2 extra rooms and stated she cannot afford a rent of $800 while purchasing all of her own food on top of it. i said "neither could we but we managed to cram 5 people in to a glorified closet space while you were getting $1000 and foodstamps. take it or leave it." she decided to leave. again, i am being told i am childish. aita?	29,356	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uur9ho/aita_for_making_my_sil_pay_above_average_rent_for/	2022-05-21 17:01:02	nta. it’s $250/month for the room and $750/month for you having to see her stupid face every day. you’re giving her an 80% discount on the rent because she’s family.	wow i was really going the other way when i read the title but yeah you are nta. you simply treated you sil how she treated you. not worse and not better. if she thinks it’s unfair then it shows she knew what she did was wrong first. screw anybody who says you should accommodate. best thing ever that she left. enjoy your farm house!	childish and petty as hell? oh yeah. but also nta. tell your sil and everyone else that you reap what you sow. imo, you're being extremely generous in requesting that she pay $200 less than what you paid for 1 room. this is also a good one for r/pettyrevenge	nta. love the sweet sweet smell of karma in the morning.	nta you stated that you had 5 people crammed in a room and she managed to moan and complaint sharing one with her step daughter... she seems like s free loader and shouldn't be enabled to just mooch off others and float by. where is her husband/step daughters dad? did she not once apologize to you for the cramming you in a small room and upcharging you? $800 a month is basically the price of a room rental in most places. you are nta at all.	nta classic double standards here. so it's ok for her to extort you when you need help in an emergency situation, but it's not ok for you to charge her that much because she lost her house because of her being unreliable? absolutely not. while i must say it is petty, she had it coming. screw her.	nta. she took advantage of your family at a very low time. maybe your delivery was not polite, but who cares? this doesn’t sound like someone you need in your home.	love it, you rock. don't back down you know karma is a bitch and your sil just got served. tell the family they can let her live with them. also make sure they know 5 of you lived in a bedroom and paid $1,000 a month plus food while she received food stamps for your kids.	nta seems like what goes around comes around. she took advantage and didn't like it when it came back on her. guess she should have saved the money she charged you so she could pay her taxes. she got 8k from you. she had plenty of money to pay taxes for many years and chose not to. that's on her.	nta:omg i don’t understand how some people can be so dumb? why wouldn’t she have just paid the annual land tax and kept her free housing?	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i am 100% being petty here but curious if i am actually wrong. most of my husbands family think i am being childish and "need to let the past go", as my sil can't afford this but her behavior toward us in the past makes me feel this is warranted. 2 years ago my house burnt to the ground after being struck by lightening. thankfully it was during the day so our 3 kids were at school and my husband and i were at work. we lost everything but we were safe. it took almost 11 months for the insurance to pay out. the insurance covered 1 month worth of hotel stays but after that we were made to fend for ourselves and the only option we had was to move in with my sil. she tells us we can have her spare room and her office space, since she used neither of the rooms and her stipulations was we needed to purchase all of our own food and pay her $100 a week. by week 3 all of that changed. she then decides we need to pay her $250 a week and we can only use one room. so all 5 of us were crammed in to the smallest room she had, which was the size of a glorified closet space and didn't even fit a twin bed and a small dresser (so we lived out of trash bags and slept on the floor) for close to $1000 a month some months and still had to purchase all of our own food, despite her claiming my children on her foodstamps. she also had no bills outside of her land tax ($450 a year), electric and heating oil (which she hardly ever filled). so we were essentially paying her so she could do leisure activities. it was the worst 8 months of my life. 3 months ago my grandmother decided that she wanted to go to assisted living after a fall and transferred the deed of her house to me and basically said it was mine now. it is a 5 bedroom farmhouse. my boys insist on sharing a room so we have 2 extra bedrooms. well, my sil lost her house last month due to not paying her land tax for several years and asked if her and her step daughter could stay with us until they get enough money to move down south. i said sure, 1 bedroom, $800 a month and you have to buy and cook all your food separately because my daughter is vegan. she looked at me like i had 10 heads and said that she and her step daughter should not be made to share a room when there are 2 extra rooms and stated she cannot afford a rent of $800 while purchasing all of her own food on top of it. i said "neither could we but we managed to cram 5 people in to a glorified closet space while you were getting $1000 and foodstamps. take it or leave it." she decided to leave. again, i am being told i am childish. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i am 100% being petty here but curious if i am actually wrong. most of my husbands family think i am being childish and "need to let the past go", as my sil can't afford this but her behavior toward us in the past makes me feel this is warranted. 2 years ago my house burnt to the ground after being struck by lightening. thankfully it was during the day so our 3 kids were at school and my husband and i were at work. we lost everything but we were safe. it took almost 11 months for the insurance to pay out. the insurance covered 1 month worth of hotel stays but after that we were made to fend for ourselves and the only option we had was to move in with my sil. she tells us we can have her spare room and her office space, since she used neither of the rooms and her stipulations was we needed to purchase all of our own food and pay her $100 a week. by week 3 all of that changed. she then decides we need to pay her $250 a week and we can only use one room. so all 5 of us were crammed in to the smallest room she had, which was the size of a glorified closet space and didn't even fit a twin bed and a small dresser (so we lived out of trash bags and slept on the floor) for close to $1000 a month some months and still had to purchase all of our own food, despite her claiming my children on her foodstamps. she also had no bills outside of her land tax ($450 a year), electric and heating oil (which she hardly ever filled). so we were essentially paying her so she could do leisure activities. it was the worst 8 months of my life. 3 months ago my grandmother decided that she wanted to go to assisted living after a fall and transferred the deed of her house to me and basically said it was mine now. it is a 5 bedroom farmhouse. my boys insist on sharing a room so we have 2 extra bedrooms. well, my sil lost her house last month due to not paying her land tax for several years and asked if her and her step daughter could stay with us until they get enough money to move down south. i said sure, 1 bedroom, $800 a month and you have to buy and cook all your food separately because my daughter is vegan. she looked at me like i had 10 heads and said that she and her step daughter should not be made to share a room when there are 2 extra rooms and stated she cannot afford a rent of $800 while purchasing all of her own food on top of it. i said "neither could we but we managed to cram 5 people in to a glorified closet space while you were getting $1000 and foodstamps. take it or leave it." she decided to leave. again, i am being told i am childish. aita? [/INST] nta. it’s $250/month for the room and $750/month for you having to see her stupid face every day. you’re giving her an 80% discount on the rent because she’s family. </s>
AITA for leaving a bad review on a small store	so my boyfriend and i have a tradition for our anniversary that we each go to a store and separate, and after we buy each other gifts we exchange in the car. it’s silly and cute. we walked into this new mom & pop anime store (i am a huge anime nerd and my boyfriend likes video games which they also sell) we separate and i go look at stuff for my boyfriend. a worker walks up to me and starts chatting, then points at my leg. i have a pretty big tattoo of kakashi from naruto on my thigh, among other anime tattoos. he asks if i got that for my boyfriend and i said no, i’ve always loved naruto and then showed him my other tattoos which included the leaf village symbol, gaara of the sands gourd, and a piece on my arm of asuma sarutobi. he started quizzing me on the lore of the anime and i told him i wouldn’t have spent $1000 on tattoos of an anime i didn’t know about, and i didn’t appreciate him trying to catch me in a “gotcha” moment. he told me he didn’t believe a girl could ever fully understand the real story of naruto and the depth behind it (lol) i told him i didn’t need his services and he can go back to the front desk. he told me i was a “rude wannabe bitch” and walked into the back and i continued purchasing my items. i left a review later, tldr: if you’re feminine presenting enter with caution, one of the employees will call you a bitch when you don’t want to prove your “nerd cred” to him. the owner left a comment on my review asking for an email conversation and asked that i take down my review because people have started complaining about this employee as well and his sale revenue has dropped. i told him i wouldn’t and maybe he shouldn’t hire misogynists if he doesn’t want bad reviews. my friends tell me i’m over reacting. aita?	22,068	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w2wju5/aita_for_leaving_a_bad_review_on_a_small_store/	2022-07-19 16:14:20	nta. as if naruto is some grand epic that's hard to understand. a 12 year old could understand it.	nta. you're not 'overreacting'. if the store owner wants to get his revenue back, he can fire the misogynist. you are under no responsibility to put up with men treating you poorly just because you're female-presenting. don't let anyone tell you otherwise.	nta. i'd edit my review to add what the owner did, with screenshots.	nta reviews exist for a reason. people want to go somewhere that feels accepting. it sucks that the owner's sales have dropped, but that's not your problem. clearly that employee is causing people to feel unwelcome.	nta. misogynists deserve to be called out and if the owner doesn’t like it, then they’re part of the problem as well.	nta. the obvious solution for the store owner is to apologize on the review and say that that employee has either been fired or at the very least spoken to about this. there’s no reason to keep on employees who are rude to customers, and if they’re going to do that they deserve poor reviews.	nta. woman anime nerd here and let me tell you that the gate-keeping in the community by men is insane. i have yet to understand why any of these try-hards feel they have to quiz fellow nerds of the opposing gender like they can be the only ones to know anything on this particular media. i have had my fair share of roasting these kinds of guys and i’m never sorry about it. now we, as women, certainly don’t have to prove anything or flaunt our nerd cred to make a point to these douch-canoes but personally, i enjoy talking circles around people like them. it is frustrating and you were right to leave the review and refuse the owner’s “request” because if you’re willing to back a misogynistic employee, then it speaks volumes on your character as the business owner for refusing to put two and two together. clearly you weren’t an isolated incident and word spreads in the nerd community fast.	nta. as a woman who's into anime (especially naruto) and video games, i'd want to see a review just like this as warning. if i were in you'r shoes i'd want to know that my sweet tradition with my partner wasn't going to be ruined. especially by an employee assuming i can't grasp the depth of an anime for preteen boys.	nta. why doesn't he just fire the employee? i'm thinking nepotism. he's probably related to the owner... so this problem will never go away.	nta. if the owner really wanted to remedy the situation he would fire the employee for harassing you. at the very least force the worker to apologize to you. on a side note can we stop acting like a person needs to know every minute detail of series, show, movie, or whatever to be a fan? seriously not everyone is going to be super obsessed to know every little thing about a show, but can still enjoy it just the same. it's one of the most annoying things about liking things. i just want to enjoy things, i don't want to study them.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so my boyfriend and i have a tradition for our anniversary that we each go to a store and separate, and after we buy each other gifts we exchange in the car. it’s silly and cute. we walked into this new mom & pop anime store (i am a huge anime nerd and my boyfriend likes video games which they also sell) we separate and i go look at stuff for my boyfriend. a worker walks up to me and starts chatting, then points at my leg. i have a pretty big tattoo of kakashi from naruto on my thigh, among other anime tattoos. he asks if i got that for my boyfriend and i said no, i’ve always loved naruto and then showed him my other tattoos which included the leaf village symbol, gaara of the sands gourd, and a piece on my arm of asuma sarutobi. he started quizzing me on the lore of the anime and i told him i wouldn’t have spent $1000 on tattoos of an anime i didn’t know about, and i didn’t appreciate him trying to catch me in a “gotcha” moment. he told me he didn’t believe a girl could ever fully understand the real story of naruto and the depth behind it (lol) i told him i didn’t need his services and he can go back to the front desk. he told me i was a “rude wannabe bitch” and walked into the back and i continued purchasing my items. i left a review later, tldr: if you’re feminine presenting enter with caution, one of the employees will call you a bitch when you don’t want to prove your “nerd cred” to him. the owner left a comment on my review asking for an email conversation and asked that i take down my review because people have started complaining about this employee as well and his sale revenue has dropped. i told him i wouldn’t and maybe he shouldn’t hire misogynists if he doesn’t want bad reviews. my friends tell me i’m over reacting. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> so my boyfriend and i have a tradition for our anniversary that we each go to a store and separate, and after we buy each other gifts we exchange in the car. it’s silly and cute. we walked into this new mom & pop anime store (i am a huge anime nerd and my boyfriend likes video games which they also sell) we separate and i go look at stuff for my boyfriend. a worker walks up to me and starts chatting, then points at my leg. i have a pretty big tattoo of kakashi from naruto on my thigh, among other anime tattoos. he asks if i got that for my boyfriend and i said no, i’ve always loved naruto and then showed him my other tattoos which included the leaf village symbol, gaara of the sands gourd, and a piece on my arm of asuma sarutobi. he started quizzing me on the lore of the anime and i told him i wouldn’t have spent $1000 on tattoos of an anime i didn’t know about, and i didn’t appreciate him trying to catch me in a “gotcha” moment. he told me he didn’t believe a girl could ever fully understand the real story of naruto and the depth behind it (lol) i told him i didn’t need his services and he can go back to the front desk. he told me i was a “rude wannabe bitch” and walked into the back and i continued purchasing my items. i left a review later, tldr: if you’re feminine presenting enter with caution, one of the employees will call you a bitch when you don’t want to prove your “nerd cred” to him. the owner left a comment on my review asking for an email conversation and asked that i take down my review because people have started complaining about this employee as well and his sale revenue has dropped. i told him i wouldn’t and maybe he shouldn’t hire misogynists if he doesn’t want bad reviews. my friends tell me i’m over reacting. aita? [/INST] nta. as if naruto is some grand epic that's hard to understand. a 12 year old could understand it. </s>
AITA for sitting in the front seat with my friend and telling his gf to sit in the back?	we were heading somewhere with my friend and his gf and i called shotgun and runned in front of her and took the passenger front seat. my friend said we're not doing shot guns and the front seat only goes to his gf or his grandma when either of them is present and that even his mom gives up the front seat out of respect for the gf and their relationship. i said i don't care about that overdramatic stuff, i'm sitting in the front. he told me i either go to the back or he's not taking me,his car his rules. his gf stood there silent the whole time but i could tell she was annoyed. i felt awkward and when i feel awkward my brain freezes and i told his gf to go sit in the back and let this drama go. i sat in the front and told my friend to get in and drive. he told me to get out of the car and find another way to get myself to our destination since i have no respect. aita?	8,068	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qrpy3j/aita_for_sitting_in_the_front_seat_with_my_friend/	2021-11-11 17:12:34	yta. definitely. you may not care about that “overdramatic stuff” but they clearly do and it’s just social etiquette. you should’ve just respected that instead of being a douche about it and making things awkward.	yta. it’s his car. it’s common courtesy that your so sits up front. the only time i have ever made a girlfriend sit in the back is if my mother is with me. i would have absolutely kicked you out of the car as well. you not only disrespected your friend’s girlfriend but your friend as well. you have no right to demand a seat or a ride in someone else vehicle and no right to tell his girlfriend to sit in the back. i don’t know if this is how you act frequently but in this post you’re the ah big time. chivalry isn’t dead, but it is with you.	dude, how old are you? 6? yta	gee, your brain didn't freeze when you kept insisting that his girlfriend sit in the back,right? being anxious isn't an excuse to be a shitty person. coming from an over anxious person: yta.	yta. it’s his car, he told you his rules, you didn’t listen.	yta- honestly, you're the only one that seems to be creating drama when there didn't need to be any. it was fine to call shotgun, but once your friend said he didn't do shotguns and asked you to sit in the back, everything you did was disrespectful to him. (it already seemed like he was doing you a favor by giving you a ride).	yeah, yta. if it’s legit. when he’s with his partner, you’re the third person there, the third wheel or the “guest” if you will and you don’t really get a say in those things. that isn’t to say the front seat would be completely off limits, but it’s not a decision you automatically make for everyone when you’re not the one who’s supposed to. apart from that, you were also (again, if real) very impolite to your friend and especially his partner, which as a “friend”…it’s something you just don’t do.	absolute weirdo. yta	yta. driver's choice, always. you made this a big scene for.. why? seems totally pointless. i expect you've lost a friend.	yta, it might not seem important to you, but just because something isn't important to you doesn't mean it's not important to others. if their mom even sits in the back out of respect and for her to have that seat, then that should say something. im sure she did just stand there and didn't say anything, she probably felt really awkward that you were making a deal out of where everyone was sitting in the car. also, being awakward doesn't excuse you from being a jerk. you can't just tell her what to do like she has to listen to you. that's just weird and not okay. to sum up, it really sounds like you're jealous of their relationship and possibly feel like you're losing your friend and aren't a priority. i promise you, if you keep acting like an asshat you will lose your friend. you should be happy that your friend is with someone that makes them happy. they want to make that person a priority and that's their decision. they're doing it because of their feelings for their significant other and that's completely valid. it really doesn't have anything negative to do with you. what isn't valid is you actively trying to disrupt that because it isn't about you. tldr: yta, you're in the wrong. if you value the friendship you have with this person, apologize to both him and his girlfriend. otherwise, he's probably not going to be your friend for long.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: we were heading somewhere with my friend and his gf and i called shotgun and runned in front of her and took the passenger front seat. my friend said we're not doing shot guns and the front seat only goes to his gf or his grandma when either of them is present and that even his mom gives up the front seat out of respect for the gf and their relationship. i said i don't care about that overdramatic stuff, i'm sitting in the front. he told me i either go to the back or he's not taking me,his car his rules. his gf stood there silent the whole time but i could tell she was annoyed. i felt awkward and when i feel awkward my brain freezes and i told his gf to go sit in the back and let this drama go. i sat in the front and told my friend to get in and drive. he told me to get out of the car and find another way to get myself to our destination since i have no respect. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> we were heading somewhere with my friend and his gf and i called shotgun and runned in front of her and took the passenger front seat. my friend said we're not doing shot guns and the front seat only goes to his gf or his grandma when either of them is present and that even his mom gives up the front seat out of respect for the gf and their relationship. i said i don't care about that overdramatic stuff, i'm sitting in the front. he told me i either go to the back or he's not taking me,his car his rules. his gf stood there silent the whole time but i could tell she was annoyed. i felt awkward and when i feel awkward my brain freezes and i told his gf to go sit in the back and let this drama go. i sat in the front and told my friend to get in and drive. he told me to get out of the car and find another way to get myself to our destination since i have no respect. aita? [/INST] yta. definitely. you may not care about that “overdramatic stuff” but they clearly do and it’s just social etiquette. you should’ve just respected that instead of being a douche about it and making things awkward. </s>
AITA for hiding baby food from my girlfriend	my girlfriend was getting ready to feed our 6 month old son, and put the food down to run to the bathroom. when she came back she asked where the food and spoon went, and i shrugged my shoulders. i put it in a cabinet, and laughed a little bit to myself as she looked all over for it. when she went to the bathroom to see if she set it down in there, i pulled it out of the cabinet and put it on the counter. my girlfriend came back in and looked around again, and must’ve missed it on the counter. i pointed it out and she said “what i swore i looked in here already”. she kept asking if i moved it and i kept saying no. she sat down and started feeding our son and randomly started crying, saying how mentally exhausted she was. i started rubbing her back and confessed to hiding the baby food. she got up immediately and left our son there in the high chair. i finished feeding him, then grabbed him and asked what her problem was. she started going off about how that wasn’t funny, and all i did was make her feel like she was losing her mind even more. i felt bad and told her it was just a joke, and she kept saying it wasn’t funny and to leave her alone. she was honestly being pretty rude about it and wouldn’t even talk to me much since then. i feel bad that she was crying but i also feel like she was being very rude considering it was just a joke.	4,586	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jvx3hh/aita_for_hiding_baby_food_from_my_girlfriend/	2020-11-17 17:24:28	yta - it was annoying and gaslight-ish behavior. i get how normally this could be quite funny and playful but if you haven't picked up on her being stressed then you are ta all the more so. she has basically told you she is feeling the pressure and you are still salty because your joke wasn't taken well? again, yta. now is the time to step up, take off some of the load from her and stop being another child she has to worry about.	yta. you know what would have been a great prank? as you had the time? taking the baby food and spoon and feeding the baby yourself. as you had so much time.	it was only funny to you. but then again, that's all that mattered to you, right? it doesn't matter to you that she told you she was "mentally exhausted" and felt like "she was losing her mind even more." she's taking care of a 6-month old after 9-months of pregnancy. if you want to be funny, then make sure it's funny to both of you. buy a joke book if you need to learn what is actually 'funny,' but don't fuck with your gf right now when she needs peace of mind and emotional stability. also, since she's so exhausted, you might want to take on more baby and house chores than you might be doing now. give her a break. she's apparently taking care of two babies right now. yta.	omg, yta!!! pranks are only fun when both people are left laughing. instead, you had your tired, overrun gf start questioning her sanity. kids are a lot of work and she's more likely than not, exhausted. when you start feeling like you're forgetting things, it makes you question everything and now she doesn't know if she can trust you. pranks can be fun, but don't mess with her sense of reality.	wow. you're a colossal asshole. she's fucking exhausted from taking care of her child. she had every right to be pissed off and "rude". grow the fuck up and act like a goddamned adult. she already has one child. she doesn't a second.	yta you don't get to minimise her feelings just because your joke didn't land	yta, you were being rude not your girlfriend. a joke is only a joke if it's funny. you just caused her unnecessary stress. you have no right to call her rude because she was fed up with what you did.	yta. it's hard enough to take care of an infant without throwing an extra adult child into the mix. be a dad, and help out next time instead of making an excruciatingly difficult job even harder. given your lack of understanding over her anger, i can only assume that she's been taking on the lion's share of the child care and then some.	yta not for wanting to make a joke, but because you're blaming her when she's obviously stretched thin. why couldn't you just say sorry? it sounds like you unnecessarily refusing to take accountability is the issue here.	yta not funny, cute or remotely caring to a woman (who you love, right?) under a great deal of stress. grow up.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my girlfriend was getting ready to feed our 6 month old son, and put the food down to run to the bathroom. when she came back she asked where the food and spoon went, and i shrugged my shoulders. i put it in a cabinet, and laughed a little bit to myself as she looked all over for it. when she went to the bathroom to see if she set it down in there, i pulled it out of the cabinet and put it on the counter. my girlfriend came back in and looked around again, and must’ve missed it on the counter. i pointed it out and she said “what i swore i looked in here already”. she kept asking if i moved it and i kept saying no. she sat down and started feeding our son and randomly started crying, saying how mentally exhausted she was. i started rubbing her back and confessed to hiding the baby food. she got up immediately and left our son there in the high chair. i finished feeding him, then grabbed him and asked what her problem was. she started going off about how that wasn’t funny, and all i did was make her feel like she was losing her mind even more. i felt bad and told her it was just a joke, and she kept saying it wasn’t funny and to leave her alone. she was honestly being pretty rude about it and wouldn’t even talk to me much since then. i feel bad that she was crying but i also feel like she was being very rude considering it was just a joke.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my girlfriend was getting ready to feed our 6 month old son, and put the food down to run to the bathroom. when she came back she asked where the food and spoon went, and i shrugged my shoulders. i put it in a cabinet, and laughed a little bit to myself as she looked all over for it. when she went to the bathroom to see if she set it down in there, i pulled it out of the cabinet and put it on the counter. my girlfriend came back in and looked around again, and must’ve missed it on the counter. i pointed it out and she said “what i swore i looked in here already”. she kept asking if i moved it and i kept saying no. she sat down and started feeding our son and randomly started crying, saying how mentally exhausted she was. i started rubbing her back and confessed to hiding the baby food. she got up immediately and left our son there in the high chair. i finished feeding him, then grabbed him and asked what her problem was. she started going off about how that wasn’t funny, and all i did was make her feel like she was losing her mind even more. i felt bad and told her it was just a joke, and she kept saying it wasn’t funny and to leave her alone. she was honestly being pretty rude about it and wouldn’t even talk to me much since then. i feel bad that she was crying but i also feel like she was being very rude considering it was just a joke. [/INST] yta - it was annoying and gaslight-ish behavior. i get how normally this could be quite funny and playful but if you haven't picked up on her being stressed then you are ta all the more so. she has basically told you she is feeling the pressure and you are still salty because your joke wasn't taken well? again, yta. now is the time to step up, take off some of the load from her and stop being another child she has to worry about. </s>
AITA for not lifting a finger while my girlfriend clean the house?	before i start i want to mention that i would’ve totally helped out if she asked but she didn’t ask me. and forgive me english is not really my first language. anyway my girlfriend was cleaning the house today. she started early in the morning and i wasn’t awake when she started. today is my day off so i would really like to relax, i slept in today until 11am. i expected to wake up peacefully but not really i heard the vacuum very loudly but i just decided to ignore it. i put some headphones on and that was it. my girlfriend is coming in and out of the room to clean and i notice she is looking annoyed. well she walks in one last time and is all angy with me, and she starts complaining that she’s busting her has cleaning the whole house and that i don’t have the decency to lift a finger to help her. well i got really mad at that and i told her this is my day off and i simply want to enjoy it but instead i wake up to the vacuum running and now my girlfriend nagging me. i told her she could’ve asked me if she want help but it’s not my response lability. she got even more pissed and then left the house and now my mood is absolutely ruined. i just wanted a nice day off. aita for not lifting a finger to help her on my day off even though she didn’t ask me???	11,295	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cyfze2/aita_for_not_lifting_a_finger_while_my_girlfriend/	2019-09-01 21:40:32	yta, 100% the thing is, nobody asked her to do it either. she shouldn't be needing to ask you to help her. you should do it out of yourself. the house needs to be cleaned every once in a while, and it's both of you guys responsibility to clean it. so many guys still think this way. "i would've helped if she asked." she shouldn't have to ask in the first place.	yta. it is your responsibility as you also live in this house. adulthood is calling, friend. most of us don’t sleep until 11 on our days off.	yta ffs. when you see your gf cleaning up around you, you dont need an invitation to help. this "she didn't ask for help" is the oldest cop out in the book for lazy a-holes. get out of bed (before 11!) and make yourself useful.	yta- sounds like it was her day off too but she’s an adult and knows she needs to clean. she didn’t need to ask it should be expected	>it’s not my response lability it's not your responsibility? since when? she's not your servant. if this is your home, you're equally responsible for its upkeep. it's not a matter of being asked - it's maturity. i certainly hope you're not implying that only women are supposed to maintain the household. you already get one yta for being lazy. i hope i don't have to award another for sexism.	yta - she didn’t vacuum at 8am, 11am is a perfectly good time to do so. even if you weren’t wanting to get straight into cleaning right there and then simply asking if your girlfriend would like a hand cleaning would have been a great thing to do. more to the point, if both of you clean the house then you can have more time to enjoy a day off together...	yta. totally. she shouldn’t need to ask you to clean, you live there too.	yta. read this multiple times. [https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/](https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/)	yta and you know it - she shouldn't have to ask you, you should have helped her automatically.	info: what do you usually do for the household and how are the adult responsibilities divided? in other words, are you the money-earner while she's stay-at-home? do you usually take care of day-to-day stuff (cook, wash dishes, pick up at the end of the night) while she handles the larger weekly cleaning (scrubbing toilets, vacuuming)? your post reads as if your so is your default maid without explanation as to how things got that way. assuming weekly cleaning is her division of labor, then expecting her asking you for help is completely reasonable.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	INFO	0.003	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: before i start i want to mention that i would’ve totally helped out if she asked but she didn’t ask me. and forgive me english is not really my first language. anyway my girlfriend was cleaning the house today. she started early in the morning and i wasn’t awake when she started. today is my day off so i would really like to relax, i slept in today until 11am. i expected to wake up peacefully but not really i heard the vacuum very loudly but i just decided to ignore it. i put some headphones on and that was it. my girlfriend is coming in and out of the room to clean and i notice she is looking annoyed. well she walks in one last time and is all angy with me, and she starts complaining that she’s busting her has cleaning the whole house and that i don’t have the decency to lift a finger to help her. well i got really mad at that and i told her this is my day off and i simply want to enjoy it but instead i wake up to the vacuum running and now my girlfriend nagging me. i told her she could’ve asked me if she want help but it’s not my response lability. she got even more pissed and then left the house and now my mood is absolutely ruined. i just wanted a nice day off. aita for not lifting a finger to help her on my day off even though she didn’t ask me???	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> before i start i want to mention that i would’ve totally helped out if she asked but she didn’t ask me. and forgive me english is not really my first language. anyway my girlfriend was cleaning the house today. she started early in the morning and i wasn’t awake when she started. today is my day off so i would really like to relax, i slept in today until 11am. i expected to wake up peacefully but not really i heard the vacuum very loudly but i just decided to ignore it. i put some headphones on and that was it. my girlfriend is coming in and out of the room to clean and i notice she is looking annoyed. well she walks in one last time and is all angy with me, and she starts complaining that she’s busting her has cleaning the whole house and that i don’t have the decency to lift a finger to help her. well i got really mad at that and i told her this is my day off and i simply want to enjoy it but instead i wake up to the vacuum running and now my girlfriend nagging me. i told her she could’ve asked me if she want help but it’s not my response lability. she got even more pissed and then left the house and now my mood is absolutely ruined. i just wanted a nice day off. aita for not lifting a finger to help her on my day off even though she didn’t ask me??? [/INST] yta, 100% the thing is, nobody asked her to do it either. she shouldn't be needing to ask you to help her. you should do it out of yourself. the house needs to be cleaned every once in a while, and it's both of you guys responsibility to clean it. so many guys still think this way. "i would've helped if she asked." she shouldn't have to ask in the first place. </s>
AITA for making a real life Pokédex of girls at my university?	so freshman year of college, i began working on this project casually. i like to keep notes on women i talk to about their favorite things, activities they enjoy, gifts/candy they like, sappy shit like that. i suck at remembering things like that so i decided to keep a spreadsheet. eventually after getting a handful of entries. i offhandedly mentioned it to my friend group. one had the idea that i share it with them so we could all keep new entries as they “caught” different entries. so this expanded further. right now about 40 guys have access to it and it’s mainly the guys in my frat, and the women featured are girls from different sororities. we also added more information such as like where you should take them if you really wanna impress them. we don’t keep this information for any nefarious or scumbaggy reasons. just to help us know what to do if we want to impress certain girls. like the original idea of this was just to keep information like favorite color so i didn’t every forget their favorite colors. now it’s helping a lot of guys. somehow, a girl who was on the list found out and she was pissed tf off. she was eventually able to trace it back to me so i assume someone who was simping for her snitched when the pokédex wasn’t making the girl like him. so she’s pissed off and she made it out to be a guide to hooking up with women, when it’s most definitely not that. it’s just to make impressing them on dates easier. that’s it. she’s made a big deal of this telling so many girls around campus and now they’re all saying that by the start of the fall semester, none of them will be visiting our fraternity or going to our parties. now all the guys are mad at me, when i’m not even the one who told girls about the list and they were all also using the list. i also think it’s unfair to say the list was all about sex when it wasn’t at all. aita?	11,761	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vo6tey/aita_for_making_a_real_life_pokédex_of_girls_at/	2022-06-30 12:07:49	yta-but mainly for thinking everyone is too stupid the see the real intention behind the list. there isn't a person on here who believes this list isn't for sexual or nefarious reasons	yta. you said it was created to help you remember stuff about the girls you were dating and it wasn't for nefarious reasons, but you also say that a guy probably gave up the fact that your "pokedex" existed because the info on it wasn't getting her to like him. that sounds like manipulation and that is nefarious.	> we also added more information such as like where you should take them if you really wanna impress them. > we don’t keep this information for any nefarious or scumbaggy reasons. so you don't think keeping a secret spreadsheet of the likes and dislikes of a bunch of girls is scumbaggy when the list exists solely to help your frat bros pretend to really know them? yta and so are the rest of the guys with "access" to this list. grow up.	dude, it's creepy and gross. if course it's a hook up guide don't pretend it isn't. yta	ooookay, let me see if i can explain this... imagine you're a girl. imagine talking to a guy, maybe going on a date or two, whatever, and he seems nice. you two get along and seem compatible. then you find out that all those nice things he did was because he had access to a database of information about your likes and dislikes and other information. not only yours, but a bunch of other womens info too. and not only that, but loads of guys have access to this info. now, as a girl, you are hyper aware of the danger of sexual assault, stalking, etc. quite probably you have female friends and/or family with traumatic experiences regarding this. one of the few ways you have to keep yourself safe is to share information about yourself wisely. and suddenly, you realise that tons of guys, guys you do not know and do not trust, have had all this information about you to try and win you over. that is fucking terrifying, for what i hope are obvious reasons. there is plenty of other things wrong with this (you've basically set out a goddamn menu of women for men to pick and choose from, describing it as a "pokedex"), but hopefully this might give you somewhere to start. yta. delete this database immediately. your "convenience" does not trump women's safety.	yta. that’s just creepy. and the fact that you shared it with other people and allowed them to edit it is disgusting. also..”entries”?? these aren’t “entries” these are actual people you’re talking about here. “the pokédex wasn’t making the girl like him” so much for it not being for nefarious reasons edit to add after your comment saying nothing on there can hurt people: you have a list of several women’s favourite places, so places they are likely to often go to and now approx 40 people have access to that information, and now know the most likely place to find these girls. how is that not information that could result in them getting hurt!	yta. you and all the boys who wanted access to this 'pokedex'. did any of you think that gosh...maybe...maybe talking to the girls and finding out through normal communication of what they like? sure, noting down what they like after talking to them for personal use is fine (e.g. likes a certain flower that can be used for a gift). however, literally having a 'collect them all' pokedex which allows the other guys to put no effort into talking to the girls is weird and makes it sound like you are all treating this as a dating sim.	yta it's creepy. if you just made note of one person you were dating it'd be ok but information on lots of women is gross	seeing as the information on your list are things that a guy should put in the effort to learn from the girl, face to face, not a cheat sheet… this is creepy. if i was approached by a guy who knew a bunch of stuff about me, i’d be suspicious too. why? because why would you want to impress me? likely because you want to get in my pants. if you had good intentions to date me and get to know me, the cheat sheet you made would be irrelevant since the fun is in going on dates and finding out who i am first hand. instead your pokédex (which by the way is kind of an insult unto itself “gotta catch them all” barf), is bordering on stalker level creepy and sad-level desperate. wait! but then you shared it with others?! ok so now you’ve created a legion of creeps who, instead of having the courage to talk to these girls themselves, have a sheet and they can pretend to be into the same things so that maybe they’d have a shot with them?!… not only are yta, but in you making this and sharing it, it’s such a red flag. compounded by the fact that you see nothing wrong with making it and sharing is a red flag showing your lack of compassion, empathy and self awareness… because at the end of the day, the vibe doesn’t check out, the pokédex would make any normal, sane woman feel unsafe. you’ve systematized the getting-to-know you phase of a potential romance. quite frankly, in you doing that, you’ve robbed yourself and your bro-gang the chance to develop genuine connection (read chemistry) with someone which is half the fun of getting to know a potential new date. here’s the kicker, on some level, you know that women love feeling seen and someone getting to know them… but this is supposed to be a natural process that comes from spending time with someone. so when he’s faking that phase because of joke pokédex and she finds out, the entire experience is marred and ominous because he was being disingenuous about connecting with her. this is the lack of empathy, therefore it is creepy, which leads to feelings of unsafe. good luck man…. you’ll be wanting to change schools. no way the news of this won’t spread like wildfire amongst the women at your school.	yep...yta. if it was for yourself then you could possibly get a pass depending on the information. but the fact you shared it around and allowed others to edit and use it. that alone makes yta	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	INFO	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0.003	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so freshman year of college, i began working on this project casually. i like to keep notes on women i talk to about their favorite things, activities they enjoy, gifts/candy they like, sappy shit like that. i suck at remembering things like that so i decided to keep a spreadsheet. eventually after getting a handful of entries. i offhandedly mentioned it to my friend group. one had the idea that i share it with them so we could all keep new entries as they “caught” different entries. so this expanded further. right now about 40 guys have access to it and it’s mainly the guys in my frat, and the women featured are girls from different sororities. we also added more information such as like where you should take them if you really wanna impress them. we don’t keep this information for any nefarious or scumbaggy reasons. just to help us know what to do if we want to impress certain girls. like the original idea of this was just to keep information like favorite color so i didn’t every forget their favorite colors. now it’s helping a lot of guys. somehow, a girl who was on the list found out and she was pissed tf off. she was eventually able to trace it back to me so i assume someone who was simping for her snitched when the pokédex wasn’t making the girl like him. so she’s pissed off and she made it out to be a guide to hooking up with women, when it’s most definitely not that. it’s just to make impressing them on dates easier. that’s it. she’s made a big deal of this telling so many girls around campus and now they’re all saying that by the start of the fall semester, none of them will be visiting our fraternity or going to our parties. now all the guys are mad at me, when i’m not even the one who told girls about the list and they were all also using the list. i also think it’s unfair to say the list was all about sex when it wasn’t at all. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> so freshman year of college, i began working on this project casually. i like to keep notes on women i talk to about their favorite things, activities they enjoy, gifts/candy they like, sappy shit like that. i suck at remembering things like that so i decided to keep a spreadsheet. eventually after getting a handful of entries. i offhandedly mentioned it to my friend group. one had the idea that i share it with them so we could all keep new entries as they “caught” different entries. so this expanded further. right now about 40 guys have access to it and it’s mainly the guys in my frat, and the women featured are girls from different sororities. we also added more information such as like where you should take them if you really wanna impress them. we don’t keep this information for any nefarious or scumbaggy reasons. just to help us know what to do if we want to impress certain girls. like the original idea of this was just to keep information like favorite color so i didn’t every forget their favorite colors. now it’s helping a lot of guys. somehow, a girl who was on the list found out and she was pissed tf off. she was eventually able to trace it back to me so i assume someone who was simping for her snitched when the pokédex wasn’t making the girl like him. so she’s pissed off and she made it out to be a guide to hooking up with women, when it’s most definitely not that. it’s just to make impressing them on dates easier. that’s it. she’s made a big deal of this telling so many girls around campus and now they’re all saying that by the start of the fall semester, none of them will be visiting our fraternity or going to our parties. now all the guys are mad at me, when i’m not even the one who told girls about the list and they were all also using the list. i also think it’s unfair to say the list was all about sex when it wasn’t at all. aita? [/INST] yta-but mainly for thinking everyone is too stupid the see the real intention behind the list. there isn't a person on here who believes this list isn't for sexual or nefarious reasons </s>
AITA for telling my daughter that I can’t compete with her stepmom and that if she can’t cope with it, she should live there full time	15 years ago, i (19 at the time) dated this guy, mark (25 at the time). i got pregnant after a few months with him. i wasn’t ready for a kid so i gave mark full custody of our daughter, natalie (now 14), and i’d visit a couple times a year. mark is from a good family and already had a great job when we first met. he quickly climbed up the ladder and is able to give natalie a very privileged life. when natalie was 2, he met amy and they got married when natalie was 4. natalie and amy have always been very close and amy is very involved in her life. she’s room mom, head of the pta, she was the soccer coach, the softball coach, head of the theater guild, and found a way to be part of everything natalie was involved in. she also drives natalie to school early in the mornings so they could stop for breakfast first and she packs natalies lunch every day, and not something like peanut butter and jelly and a bag of chips. she makes natalie steak or quiche or lettuce wraps with a side of salad with homemade dressing, fresh fruit, and homemade dessert. natalie doesn’t understand that the only reason amy is able to do all of this is because she doesn’t work and she doesn’t have to do much around the house (they have a cleaning service come multiple times a week). i recently got an apartment close to mark and amy’s house and i have natalie 1 week out of the month now. it was pretty hard for both of us at first. natalie had a hard time understanding that we’re not stopping for breakfast before school and the best thing she’s going to get from me for lunch is a turkey sandwich, cookie from the grocery store i work at, a bag of chips, and an apple. she was also not used to the fact that she has to clean up after herself. natalie was here last week and we were already not getting along because she had an event at school that week that she told amy about and not me, because she refused to clean her room, and because i found out that she’s been throwing away the lunches i make for her and asking amy to bring her lunch since she started staying with me. she had a sore throat on wednesday and i let her stay home from school then started to get ready to leave for work. when i was about to leave she made a comment that amy always stays home with her when she doesn’t feel well. i said it’s a sore throat and she’ll be fine but she got an attitude and said that i should try to be a good mom like amy. we ended up arguing and i told her that i can’t compete with amy and that if she can’t handle that, she needs to go back to her dad’s house. so she called amy to pick her up and i haven’t heard from her since. i was supposed to take her out for dinner this saturday but now she doesn’t want to go so i wanted to know if i was the asshole.	6,826	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uh3wqe/aita_for_telling_my_daughter_that_i_cant_compete/	2022-05-03 00:32:32	yta. your daughter may have your dna, but you aren't her mother. she has been through a dramatic (and possibly traumatic) change when you stepped back into her life. because of that your expectations for this relationship aren't realistic. she is 14, and you literally abandoned her at birth. you have a golden opportunity to get to know the young woman she is becoming, but you have turned this situation into a competition between you and her mother. you cannot blame her at all for not wanting to spend time with you.	nah. i think you need to full stop and try to imagine how you’d feel if you were your daughter. she has been given a very nice life by her father and stepmom. you were rarely in the picture, and that’s when it suited you. now you decided to be a mom, and you think this human whom you birthed should be so happy to have you in her life. i wouldn’t. i’d be pissed if i had to leave the comfort of my home to go stay with a stranger for a week every month, simply because she decides to move close enough that it’s convenient for her. you’ve uprooted her, you’ve not helped her adapt, you expect her to be happy you’re around. and you’re mad because she isn’t. you pull her away from her comfort for an entire week, and take her to a place that’s clearly less than she is accustom to, and you’re mad because she’s not happy. she’s 14. fourteen year olds aren’t happy anyway, and you’re giving her way more reasons to be unhappy.	from here, all i see is a teenage daughter that wants to connect more with you, and is constantly being met with “i am not willing to try, go get your needs met elsewhere”. then she does (by asking amy to bring her lunch), and you also get angry. she was not feeling well and needed someone to take care of her, she asked you (as another way to connect), and you dismissed her once again. she doesn’t want you to compete with amy, she wants her mother to make her feel like she is a priority.	yta. you are the mother and the adult. it's your job to make this work. you left your daughter with her father. amy has raised her. you have a lot of ground to make up. >natalie had a hard time understanding that we’re not stopping for breakfast before school and the best thing she’s going to get from me for lunch is a turkey sandwich, cookie from the grocery store i work at, a bag of chips, and an apple. you have her one week a month. you can't make a minimum effort to make her something she might like? i don't mean gourmet lunch, but couldn't you take her to the store with you to shop together? >i found out that she’s been throwing away the lunches i make for her and asking amy to bring her lunch since she started staying with me. this is an issue the adults need to work out. you should talk to her father and make an agreement either that amy will keep providing lunches or that when she's at your house, amy will not undermine you by delivering lunches. that's not your daughter's fault. >we ended up arguing and i told her that i can’t compete with amy and that if she can’t handle that, she needs to go back to her dad’s house. so she called amy to pick her up and i haven’t heard from her since. quality parenting there. you opened the door and basically shooed her out. you owe your daughter an apology for so many things, starting with the fact that you were not there for her when she was a small child. if you actually want a relationship with her, you have to try harder. she's a kid. you're the adult. you want to take her to dinner? then go talk to her. and, finally, you have to find a way to not let your (totally understandable) jealousy over amy's situation color your relationship with your daughter. good luck!!	info: when did you come back into your daughter's life, and why? i'm not feeling any love for your daughter coming through your post. it sounds like you're upset that she likes the life she's been living without you, which, well, why shouldn't she?	nah. it's rough for everyone. everyone is having a hard time adjusting. all of you. she's been raised as a spoiled brat and can't deal with not having the good life. if you had forced her to stay where she didn't want to be, she'd resent you more. telling her she could leave if she wanted to just opened the door for her. it didn't shove her through it. but at the same time, you have to understand you gave her up for 14 years and walked away from her except for a visit a few times a year. of course, she's gonna act out. she's gonna push and kick and scream because she needs to know you're not gonna leave her again and that you will fight to stay in her life this time. you did not raise her like her step-mom did. you are not her mom to her yet. you haven't earned that title in her eyes yet. you are her biological female parent. you can't expect her to be happy and giggly and smiles. not only is she a teenage girl, she is spoiled and going through a huge upheaval. family and individual counseling for all of you can go a long way to establish a new combined family dynamic. talking, not arguing, with her dad and amy could be beneficial. perhaps you can talk to them about working together for your daughter's best interests it will help with the adjustments you all have to go through. it sounds like she has a great step mom who loves her very much. if you ask her, she may help you because she loves natalie too.	yta, you’re no different than a majority of the absent-father posts that we see every day in this subreddit. you chose to be an absent parent, you chose to put in bare minimum effort, you chose to give the father full custody, and you chose to just not be a parent at all. and now you’re choosing to go the same route even though you live closer, and you’re unhappy with your daughter for being unhappy with bare minimum? you’re not her parent, you’re her birth mother and a person in her life. amy is the true mother here - she didn’t have to do all the things for your daughter that she does, and she’s not doing it for anyone else but your daughter. your daughter is her number one priority and your daughter knows that - and now she knows she’s not a priority to you at all so there’s really no need for her to bother with you anymore. not when she already has everything she needs at home.	yta. i’m a grown up now but i was raised in a very similar situation. my mom also deeply resents my stepmom. it’s like she didn’t want to be my parent and she didn’t want anyone else to parent me either. your response to your daughter is really immature. it’s the most natural thing ever for her to act like at brat at age 14. the idea is that you foster a relationship before the teen years and get through them from that groundwork. you skipped that part.	yta: it was hard when you got pregnant, so you gave up any custody rights toward your daughter. now that you have taken on a custody role, as soon as it got hard you told her to leave. you have now abandoned this child twice. no wonder she is drawn to amy, since amy has been her mom for the entire time she has been aware. being a mom is about seeing it through. yes, amy and mark have spoiled her, but you aren't going to change that in one week a month.	yta i don’t think this is really about turkey sandwiches. you left her once already and now, at the first bump, you’ve told her to go back to her dad. you’ve literally ditched her again because it was too hard. and really, they have a cleaning service and her stepmom makes her nice lunches. are they privileged? sure, but your contempt for the woman who raised her is….a lot. would you rather her have grown up with a stepmom who resented her? i think it’s commendable you want to be in your daughters life but you need to take baby steps here.	YTA	NAH	null	YTA	INFO	NAH	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0.127033	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: 15 years ago, i (19 at the time) dated this guy, mark (25 at the time). i got pregnant after a few months with him. i wasn’t ready for a kid so i gave mark full custody of our daughter, natalie (now 14), and i’d visit a couple times a year. mark is from a good family and already had a great job when we first met. he quickly climbed up the ladder and is able to give natalie a very privileged life. when natalie was 2, he met amy and they got married when natalie was 4. natalie and amy have always been very close and amy is very involved in her life. she’s room mom, head of the pta, she was the soccer coach, the softball coach, head of the theater guild, and found a way to be part of everything natalie was involved in. she also drives natalie to school early in the mornings so they could stop for breakfast first and she packs natalies lunch every day, and not something like peanut butter and jelly and a bag of chips. she makes natalie steak or quiche or lettuce wraps with a side of salad with homemade dressing, fresh fruit, and homemade dessert. natalie doesn’t understand that the only reason amy is able to do all of this is because she doesn’t work and she doesn’t have to do much around the house (they have a cleaning service come multiple times a week). i recently got an apartment close to mark and amy’s house and i have natalie 1 week out of the month now. it was pretty hard for both of us at first. natalie had a hard time understanding that we’re not stopping for breakfast before school and the best thing she’s going to get from me for lunch is a turkey sandwich, cookie from the grocery store i work at, a bag of chips, and an apple. she was also not used to the fact that she has to clean up after herself. natalie was here last week and we were already not getting along because she had an event at school that week that she told amy about and not me, because she refused to clean her room, and because i found out that she’s been throwing away the lunches i make for her and asking amy to bring her lunch since she started staying with me. she had a sore throat on wednesday and i let her stay home from school then started to get ready to leave for work. when i was about to leave she made a comment that amy always stays home with her when she doesn’t feel well. i said it’s a sore throat and she’ll be fine but she got an attitude and said that i should try to be a good mom like amy. we ended up arguing and i told her that i can’t compete with amy and that if she can’t handle that, she needs to go back to her dad’s house. so she called amy to pick her up and i haven’t heard from her since. i was supposed to take her out for dinner this saturday but now she doesn’t want to go so i wanted to know if i was the asshole.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> 15 years ago, i (19 at the time) dated this guy, mark (25 at the time). i got pregnant after a few months with him. i wasn’t ready for a kid so i gave mark full custody of our daughter, natalie (now 14), and i’d visit a couple times a year. mark is from a good family and already had a great job when we first met. he quickly climbed up the ladder and is able to give natalie a very privileged life. when natalie was 2, he met amy and they got married when natalie was 4. natalie and amy have always been very close and amy is very involved in her life. she’s room mom, head of the pta, she was the soccer coach, the softball coach, head of the theater guild, and found a way to be part of everything natalie was involved in. she also drives natalie to school early in the mornings so they could stop for breakfast first and she packs natalies lunch every day, and not something like peanut butter and jelly and a bag of chips. she makes natalie steak or quiche or lettuce wraps with a side of salad with homemade dressing, fresh fruit, and homemade dessert. natalie doesn’t understand that the only reason amy is able to do all of this is because she doesn’t work and she doesn’t have to do much around the house (they have a cleaning service come multiple times a week). i recently got an apartment close to mark and amy’s house and i have natalie 1 week out of the month now. it was pretty hard for both of us at first. natalie had a hard time understanding that we’re not stopping for breakfast before school and the best thing she’s going to get from me for lunch is a turkey sandwich, cookie from the grocery store i work at, a bag of chips, and an apple. she was also not used to the fact that she has to clean up after herself. natalie was here last week and we were already not getting along because she had an event at school that week that she told amy about and not me, because she refused to clean her room, and because i found out that she’s been throwing away the lunches i make for her and asking amy to bring her lunch since she started staying with me. she had a sore throat on wednesday and i let her stay home from school then started to get ready to leave for work. when i was about to leave she made a comment that amy always stays home with her when she doesn’t feel well. i said it’s a sore throat and she’ll be fine but she got an attitude and said that i should try to be a good mom like amy. we ended up arguing and i told her that i can’t compete with amy and that if she can’t handle that, she needs to go back to her dad’s house. so she called amy to pick her up and i haven’t heard from her since. i was supposed to take her out for dinner this saturday but now she doesn’t want to go so i wanted to know if i was the asshole. [/INST] yta. your daughter may have your dna, but you aren't her mother. she has been through a dramatic (and possibly traumatic) change when you stepped back into her life. because of that your expectations for this relationship aren't realistic. she is 14, and you literally abandoned her at birth. you have a golden opportunity to get to know the young woman she is becoming, but you have turned this situation into a competition between you and her mother. you cannot blame her at all for not wanting to spend time with you. </s>
AITA for walking out of my sister's birthday party after she announced she was pregnant?	growing up, my sister (26) and i (23 f), were not that close. she was my parent's favorite daughter. i have always been a little overweight, i had pcos, my sister was slim and fit. i always held that resentment towards her, especially when she belittled me with my mom. not letting me eat more than one serving of dinner or more than one serving of dessert. telling me that sleeping in was making me gain weight. she always overshadowed my accomplishments. my sister married when she was 23 to a wealthy man (28) from our community. we're indian, her marriage was arranged. they have 3 beautiful kids. i love my niece and nephews more than anything i married my husband (26) two years ago and we have been trying for a baby for almost one year. my sister always said that it was because i brought shame to my parents for marrying outside our culture that i couldn't have a baby. after many negative pregnancy tests, a few months ago, we finally had a positive pregnancy test. unfortunately, when i was four months, i had a miscarriage. i was devastated. i couldn't believe what was going on. two months after our tragedy, my family threw my sister a birthday party. there she and her husband announced they were pregnant. my heart did ache, but i was happy for them as the evening went on, my sister kept making comments like, "we weren't even trying for a baby", "it so funny how we get pregnant so easily". just as i thought things couldn't get worse. we were standing with cousins when my sister said "we didn't even want more kids, i was almost contemplating having an abortion" she said all that while looking at me. i am all for women having abortions, but having my sister use it as a weapon against me. showing off how fertile she is, how she was contemplating having an abortion after they decided to keep the baby and announce it. that really hurt me. i was so upset and frustrated. my husband noticed the change in my emotions immediately. we said goodbye to my parents and let the party immediately. i got many texts from my sister and our cousins calling me jealous and an asshole for walking out on my sister's birthday party, and not being part of their pregnancy celebration. my husband and our friends say that i had all the rights to feel the way i did, but i'm not sure. so, am i the asshole?	18,778	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t4mkkg/aita_for_walking_out_of_my_sisters_birthday_party/	2022-03-02 00:14:22	nta your family sounds like they suck.	nta. first of all im sorry for your loss, and second, she stepped way too far to call you jealous. good for you for leaving, put you first :)	nta and i'd announce at the baby's first birthday that you're so glad she didn't abort after all.	nta. i would cut ties with my sister if she behaved like that. she doesn't deserve to have you in her life, and you deserve to be free of her.	nta-you should heavily consider going low to no contact. your sister sounds horrid. truly horrid. she has years of knowing what things to say to push your buttons and how to hurt you. don't let her have that much power over you. she had an arranged marriage and you married someone you loved. you have more going for you than she does and that burns her britches. imo, i'd send one big group text to the sister and cousins and simply tell the truth. you didn't leave because you were jealous, you left because your sister knowing you recently had a loss decided to intentionally say things to bait you and put you down and you weren't going to stand for it and while you're happy for her, that doesn't mean you have to put yourself on the hot end of her hatefulness. then, i'd totally block their ass on my phone and restrict their ability to reach me on any social app.	thank you all for your comments. i did forget to add that i have totally cut off my sister from my life. i have blocked her and my cousins who had messaged me. it's a bit hard for me to cut off my parent, especially due to how i was brought up. my husband has been a rock through all of this. my in-laws support me like their own. thank you so much for your support!	nta. your sister seems extremely bitter and clearly she’s sad and lonely if she needs to make you feel bad to make herself feel better. have you decided to cut her out of your life and anyone else who’s making negative comments towards you? it may suck at the beginning to do so but you’ll feel tons better by having positive people only in your life.	fellow indian with pcos who married a non-indian. first of all, hun, your family is toxic. time to set some boundaries. two, no you are most certainly nta. your family disregard your pain and your sister did what she did specifically to get a rise out of you. you left and she was able to use that against you. which leads me back to the first point - boundaries! do not share so much. the less they know the better. tum kaise, hum kaise and that’s it. lastly, im sorry about the miscarriage and wish you nothing but luck on this journey. hugs!	nta she's practically shoving it in your face	nta. not even a little bit. i'm so sorry for your loss.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: growing up, my sister (26) and i (23 f), were not that close. she was my parent's favorite daughter. i have always been a little overweight, i had pcos, my sister was slim and fit. i always held that resentment towards her, especially when she belittled me with my mom. not letting me eat more than one serving of dinner or more than one serving of dessert. telling me that sleeping in was making me gain weight. she always overshadowed my accomplishments. my sister married when she was 23 to a wealthy man (28) from our community. we're indian, her marriage was arranged. they have 3 beautiful kids. i love my niece and nephews more than anything i married my husband (26) two years ago and we have been trying for a baby for almost one year. my sister always said that it was because i brought shame to my parents for marrying outside our culture that i couldn't have a baby. after many negative pregnancy tests, a few months ago, we finally had a positive pregnancy test. unfortunately, when i was four months, i had a miscarriage. i was devastated. i couldn't believe what was going on. two months after our tragedy, my family threw my sister a birthday party. there she and her husband announced they were pregnant. my heart did ache, but i was happy for them as the evening went on, my sister kept making comments like, "we weren't even trying for a baby", "it so funny how we get pregnant so easily". just as i thought things couldn't get worse. we were standing with cousins when my sister said "we didn't even want more kids, i was almost contemplating having an abortion" she said all that while looking at me. i am all for women having abortions, but having my sister use it as a weapon against me. showing off how fertile she is, how she was contemplating having an abortion after they decided to keep the baby and announce it. that really hurt me. i was so upset and frustrated. my husband noticed the change in my emotions immediately. we said goodbye to my parents and let the party immediately. i got many texts from my sister and our cousins calling me jealous and an asshole for walking out on my sister's birthday party, and not being part of their pregnancy celebration. my husband and our friends say that i had all the rights to feel the way i did, but i'm not sure. so, am i the asshole?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> growing up, my sister (26) and i (23 f), were not that close. she was my parent's favorite daughter. i have always been a little overweight, i had pcos, my sister was slim and fit. i always held that resentment towards her, especially when she belittled me with my mom. not letting me eat more than one serving of dinner or more than one serving of dessert. telling me that sleeping in was making me gain weight. she always overshadowed my accomplishments. my sister married when she was 23 to a wealthy man (28) from our community. we're indian, her marriage was arranged. they have 3 beautiful kids. i love my niece and nephews more than anything i married my husband (26) two years ago and we have been trying for a baby for almost one year. my sister always said that it was because i brought shame to my parents for marrying outside our culture that i couldn't have a baby. after many negative pregnancy tests, a few months ago, we finally had a positive pregnancy test. unfortunately, when i was four months, i had a miscarriage. i was devastated. i couldn't believe what was going on. two months after our tragedy, my family threw my sister a birthday party. there she and her husband announced they were pregnant. my heart did ache, but i was happy for them as the evening went on, my sister kept making comments like, "we weren't even trying for a baby", "it so funny how we get pregnant so easily". just as i thought things couldn't get worse. we were standing with cousins when my sister said "we didn't even want more kids, i was almost contemplating having an abortion" she said all that while looking at me. i am all for women having abortions, but having my sister use it as a weapon against me. showing off how fertile she is, how she was contemplating having an abortion after they decided to keep the baby and announce it. that really hurt me. i was so upset and frustrated. my husband noticed the change in my emotions immediately. we said goodbye to my parents and let the party immediately. i got many texts from my sister and our cousins calling me jealous and an asshole for walking out on my sister's birthday party, and not being part of their pregnancy celebration. my husband and our friends say that i had all the rights to feel the way i did, but i'm not sure. so, am i the asshole? [/INST] nta your family sounds like they suck. </s>
AITA for telling my sister my cat is family, but her child isnt?	actually the title isn't all but yeah do forgive me for my tone and any grammar mistakes because i am really pissed right now and i might need some rational opinion. i am single living alone with 2 cats and some fishes. my younger sister is a 23 year old single mother of a 2 year old with some medical conditions that requires some expensive treatment until, if, their condition improves and they grow out of it. my sister is like a child herself, too spoilt and naive for this world. my parents enabled her going on her own ways and she insisted on having the child despite being told the risks and having the man dumped her over it, somehow believing that a baby would make him stay. she is now living with my parents and my parents are providing for both of them. as for me, i moved out of the house years ago for my terrible relationship with my sister. i was the only one to scold her for her mistakes when nobody else would and she always had our parents to back her up. yeah i am always the asshole to them, and i don't regret leaving, though we still keep in contact. my sister came to me begging me for money, as my parents are now on a tough spot and they have trouble providing for her child, they may need to switch to a cheaper but lesser effective alternative to treat them. i warned her that time that she shouldn't keep the child but she insisted and now it became like this. i need to provide for myself and my pets too, especially since one of my cat has some health issues. i refused to give my sister any money and she ended up bringing family onto the plate, saying how we should help each other in times like this. i told her that my cat is my family, and her child isn't. i am now rather regretting what i have said but at the same time, half of me is telling me that she really deserved it, i am not her parent.	4,128	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/g1268l/aita_for_telling_my_sister_my_cat_is_family_but/	2020-04-14 09:04:00	yta. you are alright not to give your sister money but don't hate your neice for having a bad mother.	if you can't afford to help her than fine, but absolutely yta for not considering your niece family. that's fucked up. what's that kid done to you?	yta. that comment is way too harsh. you're not responsible for her child, that's true. but i don't think she "deserved" it. the fact that your parents have enabled her for all these years is not her fault either, she is getting a sense of the real world now and it might be a lot to take in at once. in no way are you obliged to help her, but just don't be an ass about not doing it. also, don't forget that her child can't help this whole situation either. and whether you like it or not, her child is your family too. either you'll be a nice aunt or the mean and bitter aunt.	yta i don't think you owe her any money as you're never required to help your family. but to me (and obviously i don't know your situation more than from what i can read) it sounds like a lot of this is about her not having an abortion that everyone around her tried to pressure her into having. you calling your fish more family than her child sounds like "i told you to kill it when it was still just a fetus, so now it's your problem". i don’t think it’s an easy decision to abort your child when you’re pregnant, and to be shamed or get the “i told you so” must make it a lot worse - especially when it comes from both the father of the child and the family. (again, if i understand the situation correctly). but again, what you do with your money is your choice	esh, but you more. the only thing you said your sister has done other than live her life is coming to you and asking for help, and maybe a bit of a guilt trip attempt. you are more than free to say no, which you have done. your attitude sucks though, you are so judgmental it is leaping off the page- you literally said you were trying to parent her because you thought you were better at that than your actual parents, and when they tried to parent you (by telling you to stop and by defending your sister) you refused to listen, which actually makes you the difficult child in that situation.	nta - i am baffled at all those hatefull posts. being related means nothing, you can choose to not consider your sister and her offspring family.	yta it sounds like you just hate your sister which sucks because there’s a sick kid tangled into the whole dynamic who has no fault here but needs help.	nta. she's bow tied to that child when she accepted that potential risks and those risks have occured, it is up to her on how to deal with what she put on her own plate. you and your sister are obviously not connected relationship wise that well. stuff happens if the kid needs care she can take out a loan because shes got 18+ years to deal with what she knew what was coming. just because you're blood related doesn't mean you're an atm.	yta that's just a terrible thing to say about a 2 year old.	nta, financially you want to provide for members of your own household before another one that you chose to leave. you may have worded it a bit harshly though, remember that it's not the child's fault she exists.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	ESH	NTA	YTA	NTA	YTA	NTA	0.378485	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: actually the title isn't all but yeah do forgive me for my tone and any grammar mistakes because i am really pissed right now and i might need some rational opinion. i am single living alone with 2 cats and some fishes. my younger sister is a 23 year old single mother of a 2 year old with some medical conditions that requires some expensive treatment until, if, their condition improves and they grow out of it. my sister is like a child herself, too spoilt and naive for this world. my parents enabled her going on her own ways and she insisted on having the child despite being told the risks and having the man dumped her over it, somehow believing that a baby would make him stay. she is now living with my parents and my parents are providing for both of them. as for me, i moved out of the house years ago for my terrible relationship with my sister. i was the only one to scold her for her mistakes when nobody else would and she always had our parents to back her up. yeah i am always the asshole to them, and i don't regret leaving, though we still keep in contact. my sister came to me begging me for money, as my parents are now on a tough spot and they have trouble providing for her child, they may need to switch to a cheaper but lesser effective alternative to treat them. i warned her that time that she shouldn't keep the child but she insisted and now it became like this. i need to provide for myself and my pets too, especially since one of my cat has some health issues. i refused to give my sister any money and she ended up bringing family onto the plate, saying how we should help each other in times like this. i told her that my cat is my family, and her child isn't. i am now rather regretting what i have said but at the same time, half of me is telling me that she really deserved it, i am not her parent.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> actually the title isn't all but yeah do forgive me for my tone and any grammar mistakes because i am really pissed right now and i might need some rational opinion. i am single living alone with 2 cats and some fishes. my younger sister is a 23 year old single mother of a 2 year old with some medical conditions that requires some expensive treatment until, if, their condition improves and they grow out of it. my sister is like a child herself, too spoilt and naive for this world. my parents enabled her going on her own ways and she insisted on having the child despite being told the risks and having the man dumped her over it, somehow believing that a baby would make him stay. she is now living with my parents and my parents are providing for both of them. as for me, i moved out of the house years ago for my terrible relationship with my sister. i was the only one to scold her for her mistakes when nobody else would and she always had our parents to back her up. yeah i am always the asshole to them, and i don't regret leaving, though we still keep in contact. my sister came to me begging me for money, as my parents are now on a tough spot and they have trouble providing for her child, they may need to switch to a cheaper but lesser effective alternative to treat them. i warned her that time that she shouldn't keep the child but she insisted and now it became like this. i need to provide for myself and my pets too, especially since one of my cat has some health issues. i refused to give my sister any money and she ended up bringing family onto the plate, saying how we should help each other in times like this. i told her that my cat is my family, and her child isn't. i am now rather regretting what i have said but at the same time, half of me is telling me that she really deserved it, i am not her parent. [/INST] yta. you are alright not to give your sister money but don't hate your neice for having a bad mother. </s>
AITA for causing my girlfriend's friend to have a severe allergic reaction	please read before answering. two days ago my (29m) girlfriend (24f) came over my place and her friend (24f) tagged along, we just had a heatwave so my gf and i were in the pool (her friend wasn't). i'm a little bit of a jokester and i thought it'd be funny to push her friend into the pool. as soon as i did this, both of them started freaking out. i was pretty confused and my girlfriend helped her friend out. this is when things went to hell. her friend started developing hives and my gf was yelling at me to call an ambulance because she's having an allergic reaction i was still confused but i called triple zero. this is when my girlfriend informed me that her friend had 'cold urticaria' (an allergy to cold) and is reacting to the cold water. i didn't even know that was a thing. everything happened so fast, her friend started complaining about being dizzy and having shortness of breath. thankfully the paramedics showed up, injected an epipen and then took her to hospital - she is fine now. just to be clear - i had no idea about her friend's allergy but now my girlfriend is mad at me because "i shouldn't be pushing people into pools anyway" and she's making me feel even more guilty by calling me a jerk etc. aita?	3,858	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/k3aw2w/aita_for_causing_my_girlfriends_friend_to_have_a/	2020-11-29 15:11:14	yta and shouldn't be pushing people into pools anyway other people's distress is not entertainment	yta. if someone is dry, and does not intend to get into the pool you are a big asshole for pushing them in. yes, with certain friends that you are close to and everyone is getting in and out of the pool, pushing someone (already wet) in is acceptable (again, depending on group and closeness) but getting someone wet who intended to stay dry is a big jerk move. did you even bother to ask her or care why she wasn't getting in the pool? there are also people who have bad reactions to chlorine, who have wounds or skin conditions that can't be in chlorinated water- even an inability to swim or a fear of water. don't go messing with people you don't know.	yta - don’t push people into pools. she could have been hurt even if she wasn’t allergic. if you can’t make jokes without it being at someone else’s expense, it means you’re not funny.	yta - why you pranking people by pushing them into pools? i agree with gf, even though you didn’t know she has that allergy you shouldn’t push people in pools.	yta don't push people into the pool even if they don't have an allergy. it's rude and obnoxous.	yta - what if she's carrying her phone in her pocket? in 1960 pushing people into pools was great fun, nowadays, everyone knows there's probably electronics on each person	yta come on man, if someone's not getting in the pool, there's probably a reason for it. you need to apologize.	yta. people have many reasons for not wanting to be pushed in a pool. just don't do it. it's not funny.	“i’m a bit of a jokester” no no no you’re a bit of an asshole. trying to be funny by being mean is school children level and you should really aim higher as an adult. yta	if making someone get wet who doesn't want to be wet, for whatever reason or no reason at all, is your idea of funny, yta. and you might be a nine year old boy trapped in a 29 year old body.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: please read before answering. two days ago my (29m) girlfriend (24f) came over my place and her friend (24f) tagged along, we just had a heatwave so my gf and i were in the pool (her friend wasn't). i'm a little bit of a jokester and i thought it'd be funny to push her friend into the pool. as soon as i did this, both of them started freaking out. i was pretty confused and my girlfriend helped her friend out. this is when things went to hell. her friend started developing hives and my gf was yelling at me to call an ambulance because she's having an allergic reaction i was still confused but i called triple zero. this is when my girlfriend informed me that her friend had 'cold urticaria' (an allergy to cold) and is reacting to the cold water. i didn't even know that was a thing. everything happened so fast, her friend started complaining about being dizzy and having shortness of breath. thankfully the paramedics showed up, injected an epipen and then took her to hospital - she is fine now. just to be clear - i had no idea about her friend's allergy but now my girlfriend is mad at me because "i shouldn't be pushing people into pools anyway" and she's making me feel even more guilty by calling me a jerk etc. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> please read before answering. two days ago my (29m) girlfriend (24f) came over my place and her friend (24f) tagged along, we just had a heatwave so my gf and i were in the pool (her friend wasn't). i'm a little bit of a jokester and i thought it'd be funny to push her friend into the pool. as soon as i did this, both of them started freaking out. i was pretty confused and my girlfriend helped her friend out. this is when things went to hell. her friend started developing hives and my gf was yelling at me to call an ambulance because she's having an allergic reaction i was still confused but i called triple zero. this is when my girlfriend informed me that her friend had 'cold urticaria' (an allergy to cold) and is reacting to the cold water. i didn't even know that was a thing. everything happened so fast, her friend started complaining about being dizzy and having shortness of breath. thankfully the paramedics showed up, injected an epipen and then took her to hospital - she is fine now. just to be clear - i had no idea about her friend's allergy but now my girlfriend is mad at me because "i shouldn't be pushing people into pools anyway" and she's making me feel even more guilty by calling me a jerk etc. aita? [/INST] yta and shouldn't be pushing people into pools anyway other people's distress is not entertainment </s>
AITA for refusing to pay $1300 on a wig for my cousin's wedding after a slight mishap with hair extensions?	my 22 f cousin milly 28 f is getting married in 2 month's time. milly has brown hair to around the middle of her back but wanted her hair longer for her wedding day. she was originally going to use clip in extensions but as i'm currently training to be a hair dresser i advised something longer term so she has them for her honeymoon. milly agreed this was a good idea, the only setback was the cost, after doing some research i decided nano extensions would be best and found a local salon but they charged $1450 !! so as i already have alot of hair knowledge i put this offer to milly. i said i would order some extensions offline and fit them for her for half the cost of the salon, i found some gorgeous extensions that cost $600 so that's what we did. so 2 days ago the hair arrived, milly was ecstatic the hair was fantastic quality and the exact same that the salon uses called beauty works. i decided to do them for her the day they arrived, around 1 hour in i was already really struggling, you have to use a little clamp over and over and it hurts. but i powered on and finished the whole set and it looked amazing. milly was super happy with them at the time. and then it all went to shit, the next day milly calls me absolutely freaking out saying there's something wrong with the extensions, i go straight to her house and it's bedlam. her hair looks horrificly matted and weirdly greasy, i ask her what she did to it but she said nothing, she just slept on it with it tied back, wich is hard to believe as it looked amazing when i did it. i set to work combing it out and as i start to pull the brush through the individual extension strands just start slipping down the hair and coming out. i read that this can happen and to expect to lose a few but after around 15 had fallen out milly asked me to stop because she was in pain. a weird goo was all throughout her hair, it was sticky and what was clearly causing the matting. so milly decided to get an urgent appointment at her local salon wich she was lucky to get although i was quite insulted that she didnt give me more time to see what what had gone wrong. later that day milly turns up at my house and my jaw all but hit the floor because she had a pixie cut. she came storming over hysterical telling me the salon said i used the wrong kind of bonding glue and that i shouldn't have been using glue at all for the extension method i was using. that is 100% bs as i watched tutorials before i did her hair, as the wedding is in just a few week's milly won't be able to grow her hair, so she and her fiancee have asked that i pay for a good quality wig for the wedding day and general use. i don't think i should have to do this! i followed the tutorials and seriously don't know what went wrong i did this to help her and now she's asking i pay an insane amount on a wig aita	4,109	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/esizgo/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_1300_on_a_wig_for_my/	2020-01-22 22:00:00	yta - you oversold your skills and messed up her hair so badly she had to get a pixie cut. there's a reason that hair dressers are required to graduate before practicing. you were practicing without a license. be glad she hasn't contacted your school and gotten you expelled for this stunt. pay for the wig.	yta. you ruined her hair. she was happy with her plans to get clip in extensions, you talked her into getting different extensions, you talk her in to letting you put them in for her, you evidently did it wrong, you got insulted at her making an appointment instead of waiting for you to make things worse, and you're refusing to believe the actual professionals who say you messed up because you watched tutorials online???? did you at the very least offer to refund the money she paid you for this hack job???	yta. first you talked her into more permanent extensions when she was happy with clip-ins. then you let her spend $600 on extensions that you learned how to put in using online tutorials. had you even learned to do this process in hairdresser training? it sounds like it was a brand new skill you tried to teach yourself. that's an awfully big gamble to take with a process that 1) involves glue 2) involves wedding hair and 3) costs $600. some people are saying your cousin sucks too, but i don't think so. with the tone of your post, i'm sure you sounded incredibly confident when describing this plan to her and she probably thought you were farther along in hairdresser school than you obviously are. i don't blame her for trusting you or asking for money for a wig. yta if you don't give her the money for the wig and if you don't at least pay her back the $600 for the extensions then you're the major ah.	yta. you fucked up big time. if you have only "watched tutorials" you don't charge someone $600 and do their wedding hair extensions. you owe her at minimum the $600 plus the cost of the salon visit to get the extensions out. the cost of the wig is not an unreasonable ask.	yta. there’s a reason you need to go to school and be trained to do this stuff. watching a video tutorial doesn’t count as official training. would you let me do surgery on you from learning it from a video tutorial? no. you shouldn’t be doing something for your first time in somebody right before her wedding. it is kinda your fault. you should probably for for the wig.	yta 100% yta you say youre training to a hairdresser so you should know how it requires practice and how easy it is to screw it all up. hair is delicate and takes ages to grow back. you screwed up big time. you oversold yourself shes now paying for your mistake	oh please tell me this didn’t happen. there is no way someone would be so flippant about me ruining someone’s hair weeks before the wedding. i’m begging this not to be true, but if it is yta.	yta. i’m a stylist, and a tutorial is not a formal education. that stuff is serious and it’s extremely likely you used the wrong kind extensions are bonded at the scalp - of course they had to give her a pixie. their request is not unreasonable, and although i’d say you can find a quality wig for less - you really should just get the one she wants.	yta!! ive been a stylist for 15yrs and this is fucking ridiculous. i hope this is a real life lesson for you. to carelessly assume that,you,as a beauty school student with zero training or certification in extensions, could execute that properly is appalling. pay for the wig. you have a lot to learn. be humble. consider yourself lucky that she didnt turn you into state board.	yta. you’ve obviously tried to glue in extensions which were for microbeads. her hair is ruined because you assumed you could just do it without training or experience. lesson learned. pay for the wig.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my 22 f cousin milly 28 f is getting married in 2 month's time. milly has brown hair to around the middle of her back but wanted her hair longer for her wedding day. she was originally going to use clip in extensions but as i'm currently training to be a hair dresser i advised something longer term so she has them for her honeymoon. milly agreed this was a good idea, the only setback was the cost, after doing some research i decided nano extensions would be best and found a local salon but they charged $1450 !! so as i already have alot of hair knowledge i put this offer to milly. i said i would order some extensions offline and fit them for her for half the cost of the salon, i found some gorgeous extensions that cost $600 so that's what we did. so 2 days ago the hair arrived, milly was ecstatic the hair was fantastic quality and the exact same that the salon uses called beauty works. i decided to do them for her the day they arrived, around 1 hour in i was already really struggling, you have to use a little clamp over and over and it hurts. but i powered on and finished the whole set and it looked amazing. milly was super happy with them at the time. and then it all went to shit, the next day milly calls me absolutely freaking out saying there's something wrong with the extensions, i go straight to her house and it's bedlam. her hair looks horrificly matted and weirdly greasy, i ask her what she did to it but she said nothing, she just slept on it with it tied back, wich is hard to believe as it looked amazing when i did it. i set to work combing it out and as i start to pull the brush through the individual extension strands just start slipping down the hair and coming out. i read that this can happen and to expect to lose a few but after around 15 had fallen out milly asked me to stop because she was in pain. a weird goo was all throughout her hair, it was sticky and what was clearly causing the matting. so milly decided to get an urgent appointment at her local salon wich she was lucky to get although i was quite insulted that she didnt give me more time to see what what had gone wrong. later that day milly turns up at my house and my jaw all but hit the floor because she had a pixie cut. she came storming over hysterical telling me the salon said i used the wrong kind of bonding glue and that i shouldn't have been using glue at all for the extension method i was using. that is 100% bs as i watched tutorials before i did her hair, as the wedding is in just a few week's milly won't be able to grow her hair, so she and her fiancee have asked that i pay for a good quality wig for the wedding day and general use. i don't think i should have to do this! i followed the tutorials and seriously don't know what went wrong i did this to help her and now she's asking i pay an insane amount on a wig aita	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my 22 f cousin milly 28 f is getting married in 2 month's time. milly has brown hair to around the middle of her back but wanted her hair longer for her wedding day. she was originally going to use clip in extensions but as i'm currently training to be a hair dresser i advised something longer term so she has them for her honeymoon. milly agreed this was a good idea, the only setback was the cost, after doing some research i decided nano extensions would be best and found a local salon but they charged $1450 !! so as i already have alot of hair knowledge i put this offer to milly. i said i would order some extensions offline and fit them for her for half the cost of the salon, i found some gorgeous extensions that cost $600 so that's what we did. so 2 days ago the hair arrived, milly was ecstatic the hair was fantastic quality and the exact same that the salon uses called beauty works. i decided to do them for her the day they arrived, around 1 hour in i was already really struggling, you have to use a little clamp over and over and it hurts. but i powered on and finished the whole set and it looked amazing. milly was super happy with them at the time. and then it all went to shit, the next day milly calls me absolutely freaking out saying there's something wrong with the extensions, i go straight to her house and it's bedlam. her hair looks horrificly matted and weirdly greasy, i ask her what she did to it but she said nothing, she just slept on it with it tied back, wich is hard to believe as it looked amazing when i did it. i set to work combing it out and as i start to pull the brush through the individual extension strands just start slipping down the hair and coming out. i read that this can happen and to expect to lose a few but after around 15 had fallen out milly asked me to stop because she was in pain. a weird goo was all throughout her hair, it was sticky and what was clearly causing the matting. so milly decided to get an urgent appointment at her local salon wich she was lucky to get although i was quite insulted that she didnt give me more time to see what what had gone wrong. later that day milly turns up at my house and my jaw all but hit the floor because she had a pixie cut. she came storming over hysterical telling me the salon said i used the wrong kind of bonding glue and that i shouldn't have been using glue at all for the extension method i was using. that is 100% bs as i watched tutorials before i did her hair, as the wedding is in just a few week's milly won't be able to grow her hair, so she and her fiancee have asked that i pay for a good quality wig for the wedding day and general use. i don't think i should have to do this! i followed the tutorials and seriously don't know what went wrong i did this to help her and now she's asking i pay an insane amount on a wig aita [/INST] yta - you oversold your skills and messed up her hair so badly she had to get a pixie cut. there's a reason that hair dressers are required to graduate before practicing. you were practicing without a license. be glad she hasn't contacted your school and gotten you expelled for this stunt. pay for the wig. </s>
AITA for having made a fake Instagram account, managed to make my gf a follower, and posting inspirational quotes that help me?	my gf(24) is a bit naive/shallow, she started to follow a 'guru' on instagram and she seemed to act according to what he suggested (even giving answers to her questions). the majority of her questions were about our relationship, and he always answered to her, and however only to somewhat attractive girls. my gf and i are of different backgrounds (she's from an immigrant family), so this guy always said to her "better to stay with someone similar to you" "think of your family" etc. for a time he seemed to make post specifically about her and she always commented asking for more suggestions. i think this guy was trying to hit on her. i made another account, posing as a girl, easily managed to get 150 followers, started to follow her and posted quotes in my favor. like "don't trust people suggesting you to break with your man" and so. she unfollowed him, now i make a post a day that happen to support what i do. like "better to stay with him for an hour than make things boring" if she was upset i've been too much time with my friends, or "true love is when he doesn't want to let you alone, even for a second" when i think another man wants to know her and i take her with me even to buy an ice-cream at the park. somehow, things are better now. only downside, i often think how long i could continue to do this, and if she would ever change - stop to listen to unknown people on instagram. tl,dr: i made a fake instagram account to influence my gf opinions about me	3,896	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bmx58a/aita_for_having_made_a_fake_instagram_account/	2019-05-10 11:33:02	yta - dishonest and manipulative people are such assholes.	yta. why didn't you just talk to her about this instead of going this weird roundabout way? also, if you're calling your girlfriend naive and shallow, it seems like you don't have a very loving attitude toward her as a person.	yta >true love is when he doesn't want to let you alone, even for a second" when i think another man wants to know her eww. manipulative and possessive af	yta this is the definition of manipulation. there are some deep issues here.	yta. this is manipulative. it will not end well for you when she finds out, and you know she’s going to find out.	yta you manipulate and groom your girlfriend to rely on you. that's so messed up.	yta - a manipulative, self-absorbed and deceitful asshole. you’re exploiting her naïveté! don’t you dare claiming that you simply want her to overcome her gullibility and dependency on other’s advice! even calling those whose guidance she chooses to follow manipulators (in response to someone’s comment) is an audacity! you seem to be just fine with her being manipulated, as long as it’s in your favor!	yta. you should also think about seeking professional help. it's not ok to manipulate someone like that. that's some next level crazy you're starting on there.	yta wonder if you'll post next "anal sex makes your hole weak, but for your man its his whole week"	i’m going to go with yta here. why not just talk to her directly in person instead of going behind her back and manipulating her into acting the way you want her to?	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my gf(24) is a bit naive/shallow, she started to follow a 'guru' on instagram and she seemed to act according to what he suggested (even giving answers to her questions). the majority of her questions were about our relationship, and he always answered to her, and however only to somewhat attractive girls. my gf and i are of different backgrounds (she's from an immigrant family), so this guy always said to her "better to stay with someone similar to you" "think of your family" etc. for a time he seemed to make post specifically about her and she always commented asking for more suggestions. i think this guy was trying to hit on her. i made another account, posing as a girl, easily managed to get 150 followers, started to follow her and posted quotes in my favor. like "don't trust people suggesting you to break with your man" and so. she unfollowed him, now i make a post a day that happen to support what i do. like "better to stay with him for an hour than make things boring" if she was upset i've been too much time with my friends, or "true love is when he doesn't want to let you alone, even for a second" when i think another man wants to know her and i take her with me even to buy an ice-cream at the park. somehow, things are better now. only downside, i often think how long i could continue to do this, and if she would ever change - stop to listen to unknown people on instagram. tl,dr: i made a fake instagram account to influence my gf opinions about me	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my gf(24) is a bit naive/shallow, she started to follow a 'guru' on instagram and she seemed to act according to what he suggested (even giving answers to her questions). the majority of her questions were about our relationship, and he always answered to her, and however only to somewhat attractive girls. my gf and i are of different backgrounds (she's from an immigrant family), so this guy always said to her "better to stay with someone similar to you" "think of your family" etc. for a time he seemed to make post specifically about her and she always commented asking for more suggestions. i think this guy was trying to hit on her. i made another account, posing as a girl, easily managed to get 150 followers, started to follow her and posted quotes in my favor. like "don't trust people suggesting you to break with your man" and so. she unfollowed him, now i make a post a day that happen to support what i do. like "better to stay with him for an hour than make things boring" if she was upset i've been too much time with my friends, or "true love is when he doesn't want to let you alone, even for a second" when i think another man wants to know her and i take her with me even to buy an ice-cream at the park. somehow, things are better now. only downside, i often think how long i could continue to do this, and if she would ever change - stop to listen to unknown people on instagram. tl,dr: i made a fake instagram account to influence my gf opinions about me [/INST] yta - dishonest and manipulative people are such assholes. </s>
AITA for asking my sister and BIL to move out after three years of supporting them after family tragedy?	about 3 years ago, my sister and her husband lost their three young children in a really bad car accident. my sister barely survived but pulled through. they had two daughters who were 8 and 6 and a 3 year old son. i won’t go into specifics surrounding the accident or their deaths because it’s quite frankly horrific. my sister and i are 10 months apart and have always been extremely close. at the time of my nieces and nephews deaths, i was living alone in a 3 bedroom home and offered for them to live with me. they were both, understandably, too unable to function to go back to work and we all needed each other. i didn’t want them to have to worry about money or losing their home after what had happened. i’ve supported them emotionally and financially pretty much ever since it happened. they both refuse to go to therapy, and still both aren’t working. i have a good job, but it’s not an easily manageable thing, and i really didn’t expect it to go on so long. about a year and a half ago, i met my current fiancé. we clicked immediately and got engaged six months later. we’re due to get married next october. i’ve been trying to drop hints to my sister about wanting my house back to myself to live in with my fiancé but she’s not picked up on it. my fiancé has grown increasingly frustrated with me, saying i’m very obviously being taken advantage of. last weekend, i straight up told my sister i needed to talk to her, and told her that i wanted my house back and to live with my partner alone before getting married and starting to have children. she got upset and went running to our mom, who called me an asshole for not considering how my sister would feel about that. it hasn’t been mentioned since, but both my sister and bil are hardly talking to me. aita?	20,376	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r50ioi/aita_for_asking_my_sister_and_bil_to_move_out/	2021-11-29 17:13:22	nta. three years is long enough. if they still aren’t ready to go out on their own, your mother can take them in.	nta what are their plans for the future besides to mooch off of you? it's been 3 years. it's completely fair for you to ask them what their plans are. yes they went through something horrible, but you have been incredibly accommodating and have given them lots of time to heal. giving you silent treatment in your own home is unacceptable.	>i’ve been trying to drop hints ... but she’s not picked up on it oh, she has. she's just ignoring them. >my sister and bil are hardly talking to me unacceptable when they are mooching off you. your mother can take them if she's so concerned. they should have offered to leave when you got serious with your fiancé. of course you want to live alone with him. nta	nta if your mother is so concerned with your sisters feelings she can let them stay there	nta and furthermore they will likely never break out of this cycle unless they are forced to in the long run this will be much better for them (maybe have a talk with your mom so she understands more clearly and doesn't become their next roommate)	nta. they have suffered an unspeakable tragedy that will never leave them. find a therapist for them to go to together and apart, many us counties have free mental health services for those without insurance or money. it might take some work, just keep calling the number until you get a response from a person. explain the situation and make an appointment. tell them both you made the appointment and you are taking them. i have done this with a few people who were so depressed they couldn’t summon the energy to navigate the system but when approached with the actual appointment being made, followed up. take them to the appointment and when they are done make sure they set up a follow-up and if not, do it for them. get your mom on board, in these cases, any action is a step in the right direction. they are suffering still but continuing to hide away and immersing themselves in grief for years will never bring them peace. working through grief is torture and theirs is unimaginable but they (unfortunately probably in their minds) did not die with their children and burying themselves will not ease their pain. like i said, get online and ask around if your area for therapists specializing in grief counseling. make the appointment and give them an ultimatum that if they don’t go, they have to move out immediately. tell them if they go, they can stay until (pick a date). in the meantime, start finding alternative living arrangements for them. can your mom let them move in, are there church friends with a space they could “rent” for 6 months until they get in their feet? what did they do before the accident? look around for similar jobs and give them a list. i think they are overwhelmed by the idea of moving on and all the details so you are probably going to have to do the groundwork and push them a little to move forward. get your mom and any family and friends to take a role in the planning. it takes a village for a lot of things and this is one of them. you’re a wonderful sister, good luck!	nta you can’t stop your entire life for them. are you supposed to never marry, never have children and just take care of them for the rest of their lives? i guarantee that if they don’t get counseling asap there’s going to be massive drama the first time you get pregnant.	nta is your mums door wide open for them??	nta can't understand why they'd not want their own space tbh. i'm curious as to how long they thought this arrangement was going to last. did they envisage you putting your life on hold forever? would they try to tell you it's insensitive to 'thrust your own kids in their faces'? you've done far more for them than anyone else in the family. they can go stay with your mum if she feels that strongly about giving them board and lodging	nta. if your mom is so offended she should take them in. also if you can, please encourage them to get grief counselling	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: about 3 years ago, my sister and her husband lost their three young children in a really bad car accident. my sister barely survived but pulled through. they had two daughters who were 8 and 6 and a 3 year old son. i won’t go into specifics surrounding the accident or their deaths because it’s quite frankly horrific. my sister and i are 10 months apart and have always been extremely close. at the time of my nieces and nephews deaths, i was living alone in a 3 bedroom home and offered for them to live with me. they were both, understandably, too unable to function to go back to work and we all needed each other. i didn’t want them to have to worry about money or losing their home after what had happened. i’ve supported them emotionally and financially pretty much ever since it happened. they both refuse to go to therapy, and still both aren’t working. i have a good job, but it’s not an easily manageable thing, and i really didn’t expect it to go on so long. about a year and a half ago, i met my current fiancé. we clicked immediately and got engaged six months later. we’re due to get married next october. i’ve been trying to drop hints to my sister about wanting my house back to myself to live in with my fiancé but she’s not picked up on it. my fiancé has grown increasingly frustrated with me, saying i’m very obviously being taken advantage of. last weekend, i straight up told my sister i needed to talk to her, and told her that i wanted my house back and to live with my partner alone before getting married and starting to have children. she got upset and went running to our mom, who called me an asshole for not considering how my sister would feel about that. it hasn’t been mentioned since, but both my sister and bil are hardly talking to me. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> about 3 years ago, my sister and her husband lost their three young children in a really bad car accident. my sister barely survived but pulled through. they had two daughters who were 8 and 6 and a 3 year old son. i won’t go into specifics surrounding the accident or their deaths because it’s quite frankly horrific. my sister and i are 10 months apart and have always been extremely close. at the time of my nieces and nephews deaths, i was living alone in a 3 bedroom home and offered for them to live with me. they were both, understandably, too unable to function to go back to work and we all needed each other. i didn’t want them to have to worry about money or losing their home after what had happened. i’ve supported them emotionally and financially pretty much ever since it happened. they both refuse to go to therapy, and still both aren’t working. i have a good job, but it’s not an easily manageable thing, and i really didn’t expect it to go on so long. about a year and a half ago, i met my current fiancé. we clicked immediately and got engaged six months later. we’re due to get married next october. i’ve been trying to drop hints to my sister about wanting my house back to myself to live in with my fiancé but she’s not picked up on it. my fiancé has grown increasingly frustrated with me, saying i’m very obviously being taken advantage of. last weekend, i straight up told my sister i needed to talk to her, and told her that i wanted my house back and to live with my partner alone before getting married and starting to have children. she got upset and went running to our mom, who called me an asshole for not considering how my sister would feel about that. it hasn’t been mentioned since, but both my sister and bil are hardly talking to me. aita? [/INST] nta. three years is long enough. if they still aren’t ready to go out on their own, your mother can take them in. </s>
AITA for asking my friend not to name her cat after a criminal?	my(21f) roommate, aly, rescued a cat a few weeks ago. it is her cat but i help with taking care of her. we've compiled a list of potential names for the cat. she's orange, so a lot of the names are themed around her color. one of them is orange juice. aly wants to name this cat orange juice, and call her oj for short. i don't think this is a good idea because of oj simpson. aly thinks its the best name ever and since the cat is an escape artist then she wants to be able to say "the juice is loose". i told her i think its a bad name and that i don't want her naming the cat that. she got mad at me and said i have no say in the naming process of her cat. i think she shouldn't name her that because i still am around the cat. i still have to live with the cat and i don't want a cat named after a criminal. aita for asking her to name it something else?	3,627	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tik2n8/aita_for_asking_my_friend_not_to_name_her_cat/	2022-03-20 12:33:29	yta for your request and you're also wrong: the name is mega cute, and i doubt a single other person will connect it to oj simpson. also you don't get to name things that you are around; that logic is ridiculous.	"oj" stood for "orange juice" before the other guy came along. and it's not like anyone stopped using "oj" as an acronym for orange juice since then yta sorry	yta, your roommate is a creative genius and you are a party pooper.	i mean, you don’t have a right to ask her to name her cat something else. you have no say in what she names her cat. none. doesn’t matter if you’re around the cat. you also don’t have a say in what your brother or sister name their child, your neighbor’s names, etc. are you worried the cat is going to put on tiny gloves and murder you and your boyfriend, and the kardashian’s are going to show up? yta	reading the title i for sure this was going to be someone trying to name their cat bundy or dahmer or son of sam or btk. but instead they just want to name their kitty orange juice. … yta.	yta- you’re way too uptight, sit down have some oj, reflect, repeat. not your business what her cats name is, at least she isn’t considering hitler or bin laden as names.	yta. his name is orenthal james simpson, not orange juice simpson.	yta you do realize that orange juice was a thing that existed before oj simpson, right?	yta your friend finds it funny. and the name is actually orange juice it's not even on the nose as you think. do you think people stopped buying orange juice because of oj? lol you'd have a case if the name was hitler or something but it's not. just find something else to be upset about and leave your friend and their cat alone.	yta: from the title i thought she wanted to name him dahmer or something. simpson didn't create the name oj, would you be fine with her naming him james? because that's what the "j" stands for with oj simpson you need some vitamin c ;)	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my(21f) roommate, aly, rescued a cat a few weeks ago. it is her cat but i help with taking care of her. we've compiled a list of potential names for the cat. she's orange, so a lot of the names are themed around her color. one of them is orange juice. aly wants to name this cat orange juice, and call her oj for short. i don't think this is a good idea because of oj simpson. aly thinks its the best name ever and since the cat is an escape artist then she wants to be able to say "the juice is loose". i told her i think its a bad name and that i don't want her naming the cat that. she got mad at me and said i have no say in the naming process of her cat. i think she shouldn't name her that because i still am around the cat. i still have to live with the cat and i don't want a cat named after a criminal. aita for asking her to name it something else?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my(21f) roommate, aly, rescued a cat a few weeks ago. it is her cat but i help with taking care of her. we've compiled a list of potential names for the cat. she's orange, so a lot of the names are themed around her color. one of them is orange juice. aly wants to name this cat orange juice, and call her oj for short. i don't think this is a good idea because of oj simpson. aly thinks its the best name ever and since the cat is an escape artist then she wants to be able to say "the juice is loose". i told her i think its a bad name and that i don't want her naming the cat that. she got mad at me and said i have no say in the naming process of her cat. i think she shouldn't name her that because i still am around the cat. i still have to live with the cat and i don't want a cat named after a criminal. aita for asking her to name it something else? [/INST] yta for your request and you're also wrong: the name is mega cute, and i doubt a single other person will connect it to oj simpson. also you don't get to name things that you are around; that logic is ridiculous. </s>
AITA for not letting my boyfriend name our daughter Renesmae?	my boyfriend and i are both 18, and 35w pregnant with our daughter. since the day i found out we were having a girl he was hell bent on naming her renesmae, absolutely refuses to compromise. he's a massive twilight fan, i personally hate it and would much rather that we don't name our baby after a fictional character. it kinda hit boiling point last night, for weeks i've been telling him we are coming up with something else becaudr i'm not naming my child that. i went onto instagram where he had posted a picture of us and said in the caption "i can't wait to meet you renesmae." i got really really mad my this. i told him to delete that, or change the caption because i'm not naming our daughter that. he refused, saying his friends knew now so we had to stick with it. i said "i haven't fucking agreed to naming our daughter after some stupid made up character from the worst books ever fucking made. delete the post now or get the fuck out of my house". he left to spend the night at a friends and my parents who heard the argument said i should just let him name our daughter that, saying it probably means a lot to him and that i'm being an unreasonable asshole. aita?	27,090	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/lmp6fs/aita_for_not_letting_my_boyfriend_name_our/	2021-02-18 15:25:24	nta baby names fall into the "two yeses, one no" category. he absolutely sucks for the post and trying to use that as leverage to get his way. be careful about someone who uses such a tactic. your parents also suck for telling you to just go along with the name. at the hospital (presuming you're giving birth in one) i would tell the nurses not to let him sign the birth certificate without you eta your edit makes it even worse.. they get extra ah points for saying you should just go along with a name you don't want nor can you pronounce	info: he named your daughter after the lochness monster?!?	nta if he's getting this bent out of shape over figuring out a name you both can agree on, then i worry about his general preparedness for parenthood. your parents taking his side is concerning. he's wrong, you're right. find a name you both can agree on. if he digs his heels in and says it's renesmae or nothing, then effectively, he's waiving his right to a say. >"i can't wait to meet you renesmae." also, just for clarity, the twilight's character's name is renesmee. if it's him misspelling it, then how big a fan could he be?	nta. twilight discourse has ebbed, thank god, but your daughter will cop hell for being a renesmae, just like all the little samwises of this world. also, you both get a say. she's not his daughter. she is the daughter of you both. renee is a pretty nice name, though.	nta and this is a huge warning sign. if he refuses to let you have a say in your own babies name, how controlling is he going to be of you when you're raising a child together? you're 18 so yes you are an adult, and judging from what you've posted you're fairly mature, but is this guy seriously the one you want to spend your entire life with? he sounds like a 4 year old. anyways, nta and he needs to get a grip. it's your baby too, not just his. when you go into labour, make sure you inform everyone that he is not allowed to name the child in the event that you fall unconscious or are taken away for any kind of emergency treatment, incase he tries to pull something behind your back.	nta - also, make sure you give the baby your last name. your boyfriend doesn’t sound too bright, and doesn’t sound like he cares about you. i wouldn’t bet on the longevity of this relationship or him sticking around. in the hospital, you get to choose all of the babies names. as the person giving birth, and an unwed mother, you have all the legal rights.	other ppl will probably disagree with me but nta bc i agree that that is a really stupid name and a really terrible series ;) good luck!	nta he may have his heart set on this name but he shouldn't be posting on social media like that and trying to steamroll you. your parents are out of line too. i'm sure they are just freaking out because their 18-year-old pregnant daughter looks like she might be dumping the boyfriend and trying to figure out how to deal with that. letting him name your daughter the name that you hate is not a good idea, it's just the easiest way out of the conflict. if you were my daughter i would say that your boyfriend's behavior over this name issue is a red flag and it makes me worried that he's going to act out in the same way over and over again whenever you disagree. he's going to be the baby's father no matter what, so you are going to have to learn to set boundaries and stand your ground, so you did the right thing.	nta. as many, many, many previous posts on baby names - especially pop culture baby names - have established, if one parent doesn't like the name, it's time to move on to a new option. besides, even the majority of twilight fans i've encountered don't like reneesme as a name.	nta standard rule for baby naming is that either parent can veto a name. and that name is godawful so you should 100% veto it.	NTA	INFO	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0.003	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my boyfriend and i are both 18, and 35w pregnant with our daughter. since the day i found out we were having a girl he was hell bent on naming her renesmae, absolutely refuses to compromise. he's a massive twilight fan, i personally hate it and would much rather that we don't name our baby after a fictional character. it kinda hit boiling point last night, for weeks i've been telling him we are coming up with something else becaudr i'm not naming my child that. i went onto instagram where he had posted a picture of us and said in the caption "i can't wait to meet you renesmae." i got really really mad my this. i told him to delete that, or change the caption because i'm not naming our daughter that. he refused, saying his friends knew now so we had to stick with it. i said "i haven't fucking agreed to naming our daughter after some stupid made up character from the worst books ever fucking made. delete the post now or get the fuck out of my house". he left to spend the night at a friends and my parents who heard the argument said i should just let him name our daughter that, saying it probably means a lot to him and that i'm being an unreasonable asshole. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my boyfriend and i are both 18, and 35w pregnant with our daughter. since the day i found out we were having a girl he was hell bent on naming her renesmae, absolutely refuses to compromise. he's a massive twilight fan, i personally hate it and would much rather that we don't name our baby after a fictional character. it kinda hit boiling point last night, for weeks i've been telling him we are coming up with something else becaudr i'm not naming my child that. i went onto instagram where he had posted a picture of us and said in the caption "i can't wait to meet you renesmae." i got really really mad my this. i told him to delete that, or change the caption because i'm not naming our daughter that. he refused, saying his friends knew now so we had to stick with it. i said "i haven't fucking agreed to naming our daughter after some stupid made up character from the worst books ever fucking made. delete the post now or get the fuck out of my house". he left to spend the night at a friends and my parents who heard the argument said i should just let him name our daughter that, saying it probably means a lot to him and that i'm being an unreasonable asshole. aita? [/INST] nta baby names fall into the "two yeses, one no" category. he absolutely sucks for the post and trying to use that as leverage to get his way. be careful about someone who uses such a tactic. your parents also suck for telling you to just go along with the name. at the hospital (presuming you're giving birth in one) i would tell the nurses not to let him sign the birth certificate without you eta your edit makes it even worse.. they get extra ah points for saying you should just go along with a name you don't want nor can you pronounce </s>
AITA for hiding my finances from future MIL	i recently got engaged to my boyfriend of 3 years. for background, he’s an oncologist, his parents divorced when he was 5, mil never remarried or had more kids but fil did and so fiancé has a younger half-brother and a step mom. i have a ba and mba from decent schools, but i quit my conventional office job to be a yoga teacher and eventually opened my own yoga studio. mil was not outwardly hostile towards me, more like polite but very cold. she told fiancé it was because a yoga teacher wasn’t good enough for him. why couldn’t he find a nice “lady doctor” or nurse at work, etc. fiancé told me this because we don’t keep secrets but i never mentioned it to mil, i just stopped trying so hard. she would periodically warn fiancé i was out for his money, because he’s a doctor, he needs someone “on the same level.” what mil did not learn until after we were engaged is that, through my grandfather, i have a substantial trust fund. i have zero student loans, a paid off home, car, and own my studio with no debt. i keep this information private from most people because i don’t want to be judged for it. i didn’t tell fiancé until about 15 months into our relationship. when we got engaged she was telling fiancé he needs a pre-nup and that’s when he told her about my finances. she lost her mind. told him he and i should not have withheld that information, we were disrespectful, deceitful, manipulative, etc. she then started trying to act like my best friend. i maintained a polite distance. she asked fiancé why and he told her that i knew he didn’t like me because a “yoga teacher isn’t good enough.” y’all, she turned on the waterworks, tears, sobs, said he should not have told me and that he ruined her relationship with her future dil. i think she’s full of it. his father and step-mom have been kind, accepting, warm and loving to me since the day we met. it didn’t matter that i’m just a yoga teacher. his mother insists i and my fiancé are cruel and deceitful. i think people like her are the reason i am right to hide my financial situation. fiancé thinks we should apologize just to smooth things over and clean the slate. i have no interest in doing so. aita?	19,577	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hiw0ot/aita_for_hiding_my_finances_from_future_mil/	2020-06-30 20:51:18	nta. keep on eye on how much fiancé wants to placate his mother. that he thinks you should apologize for her bad behavior just to keep the peace is worrisome. your finances as a single person & the finances of both of you as a married couple are none of her concern. she was wrong to ask about them & she was wrong to try to tell her son what to do. any truthful apology that i can think of would probably not suit. “i am sorry for thinking that you meant it when you said a yoga teacher wasn’t good enough for your son.” “i apologize for not realizing how interested you are in things that are none of your business like my finances.”	nta. her son loving you wasn’t good enough for her, she basically has stated that she thinks she only has to be kind to people in her life if they meet her standards of “good enough.” also - anyone who uses the phrase “lady doctor” in a serious way needs to take a time machine back to 1953.	i think you should get a pre-nup though. just in case. it would protect both of you. as for your mil, just keep maintaining a polite distance. i don't know why your fiance wants you to apologize to his mother. is he a mama's boy? you didn't do anything wrong. clean the slate? i don't know, because she showed you her true colors. so it's kind of too late to put the toothpaste into that tube, isn't it. just continue being civil. your fiance should be satisfied with that. so should she.	nta i think you figured out why you have a step mother-in-law	nta i've learned from many years of personal experience to keep my finances private from everyone but my wife; particularly in-laws. the same goes for you and your fiance/husband. absolute code of silence on that.	nta. do not apologize. if fiance tries to force you to apologize, reconsider the marriage.	nta. sounds like the mother in law wants to be financially dependent on her son in retirement. and your finances have absolutely zero things in common with either of your in laws. you don’t need to apologize for her being condescending, assuming, and nosy.	damm that was a 180 degree change simply based on your wealth not ur character or personality. >when we got engaged she was telling fiancé he needs a pre-nup and that’s when he told her about my finances. she lost her mind. told him he and i should not have withheld that information, we were disrespectful, deceitful, manipulative, this feels like a projection of her flaws, nta.	nta fuck your mil. cut her out of your life as far as possible. tell her straight up you don't want to be around her because she didn't like you before she learned of your trust fund, now she is gold digging. sorry to the husband, but seriously, distance yourself as much as you can. she's likely to try any old trick giving how other stories have been.	nta, and to be honest, she sounds fucking awful. y’alls finances have nothing to do with her, and if she’s and about it, that’s her own problem.	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i recently got engaged to my boyfriend of 3 years. for background, he’s an oncologist, his parents divorced when he was 5, mil never remarried or had more kids but fil did and so fiancé has a younger half-brother and a step mom. i have a ba and mba from decent schools, but i quit my conventional office job to be a yoga teacher and eventually opened my own yoga studio. mil was not outwardly hostile towards me, more like polite but very cold. she told fiancé it was because a yoga teacher wasn’t good enough for him. why couldn’t he find a nice “lady doctor” or nurse at work, etc. fiancé told me this because we don’t keep secrets but i never mentioned it to mil, i just stopped trying so hard. she would periodically warn fiancé i was out for his money, because he’s a doctor, he needs someone “on the same level.” what mil did not learn until after we were engaged is that, through my grandfather, i have a substantial trust fund. i have zero student loans, a paid off home, car, and own my studio with no debt. i keep this information private from most people because i don’t want to be judged for it. i didn’t tell fiancé until about 15 months into our relationship. when we got engaged she was telling fiancé he needs a pre-nup and that’s when he told her about my finances. she lost her mind. told him he and i should not have withheld that information, we were disrespectful, deceitful, manipulative, etc. she then started trying to act like my best friend. i maintained a polite distance. she asked fiancé why and he told her that i knew he didn’t like me because a “yoga teacher isn’t good enough.” y’all, she turned on the waterworks, tears, sobs, said he should not have told me and that he ruined her relationship with her future dil. i think she’s full of it. his father and step-mom have been kind, accepting, warm and loving to me since the day we met. it didn’t matter that i’m just a yoga teacher. his mother insists i and my fiancé are cruel and deceitful. i think people like her are the reason i am right to hide my financial situation. fiancé thinks we should apologize just to smooth things over and clean the slate. i have no interest in doing so. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i recently got engaged to my boyfriend of 3 years. for background, he’s an oncologist, his parents divorced when he was 5, mil never remarried or had more kids but fil did and so fiancé has a younger half-brother and a step mom. i have a ba and mba from decent schools, but i quit my conventional office job to be a yoga teacher and eventually opened my own yoga studio. mil was not outwardly hostile towards me, more like polite but very cold. she told fiancé it was because a yoga teacher wasn’t good enough for him. why couldn’t he find a nice “lady doctor” or nurse at work, etc. fiancé told me this because we don’t keep secrets but i never mentioned it to mil, i just stopped trying so hard. she would periodically warn fiancé i was out for his money, because he’s a doctor, he needs someone “on the same level.” what mil did not learn until after we were engaged is that, through my grandfather, i have a substantial trust fund. i have zero student loans, a paid off home, car, and own my studio with no debt. i keep this information private from most people because i don’t want to be judged for it. i didn’t tell fiancé until about 15 months into our relationship. when we got engaged she was telling fiancé he needs a pre-nup and that’s when he told her about my finances. she lost her mind. told him he and i should not have withheld that information, we were disrespectful, deceitful, manipulative, etc. she then started trying to act like my best friend. i maintained a polite distance. she asked fiancé why and he told her that i knew he didn’t like me because a “yoga teacher isn’t good enough.” y’all, she turned on the waterworks, tears, sobs, said he should not have told me and that he ruined her relationship with her future dil. i think she’s full of it. his father and step-mom have been kind, accepting, warm and loving to me since the day we met. it didn’t matter that i’m just a yoga teacher. his mother insists i and my fiancé are cruel and deceitful. i think people like her are the reason i am right to hide my financial situation. fiancé thinks we should apologize just to smooth things over and clean the slate. i have no interest in doing so. aita? [/INST] nta. keep on eye on how much fiancé wants to placate his mother. that he thinks you should apologize for her bad behavior just to keep the peace is worrisome. your finances as a single person & the finances of both of you as a married couple are none of her concern. she was wrong to ask about them & she was wrong to try to tell her son what to do. any truthful apology that i can think of would probably not suit. “i am sorry for thinking that you meant it when you said a yoga teacher wasn’t good enough for your son.” “i apologize for not realizing how interested you are in things that are none of your business like my finances.” </s>
AITA for telling my brother I can't babysit my niece, because me and my boyfriend planned a date night?	(throwaway) [update here](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwaway_aita_5212/comments/y7w59b/update_aita_for_telling_my_brother_i_cant_babysit/) the place i (28f) worked at downsized and i lost my job earlier this year. i found another but it pays significantly less. me and my boyfriend 'rob' (38m) recently moved out as the rent was too high, and we've been looking for a more affordable place. my brother 'jack' (36m) let us stay at his place while we sort everything out and we're grateful to him. jack's profession means his work hours are all over the place. my niece 'lacey' (3f) usually stays with a sitter or with her maternal grandparents while jack's at work. since i've been staying here i've also looked after her a couple of times when i don't have other plans. a couple of days ago jack got called in unexpectedly and he asked if we could look after lacey. the issue was that me and rob were planning to go out for dinner and a movie later. i said sorry, but we couldn't. jack got extremely pushy and said to take lacey with us and he'll pay, but obviously me and rob weren't onboard with this as it's supposed to be a date night, on top of the movie not being suitable for kids. he also told us to reschedule, but we did end up going. side note, it wasn't an emergency. jack was able to call in and say he couldn't make it, but he's been really pissed at me and apparently his seniors aren't too happy with him. again, we did apologize, and rob later said jack should've planned better. he's still pretty mad at us, so aita?	5,337	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y75oyb/aita_for_telling_my_brother_i_cant_babysit_my/	2022-10-18 12:26:39	yta rob said jack should of planned better.. rob and you are living in his bloody house and have a nerve to say he should have planned better lol	yta- while i agree i it’s on jack to find childcare for his kid, he is letting you live rent free. his help for you is significantly more than you babysitting for him a handful of times. i get that if you don’t have advanced notice there’s no reason to expect to be babysitting your niece on a whim. that said, your excuse not to babysit wasn’t a very good excuse. i’d say the welfare of your niece trumps a date night that could easily be rescheduled. i get that you don’t view this as an emergency but it was for jack. you put your plans to go have dinner and a movie over helping out your niece for jack’s work emergency, which worsened his career relationships it sounds like. i can see why jack was upset seeing as he’s helping you out a ton, but you tell him no to watching his daughter for date night. the absolute least you could have done was watch her. you act like jack asking and pleading didn’t matter, but that date night did. yta	[deleted]	yta you have been living with your brother rent free for months and can't repay the favor by moving your date night. he needed you to step up and all you thought about is yourself. if you were my sister i would have kicked you out after what you did.	yta. you're grateful to him for his generosity in letting you and your bf stay at his place. last-minute requests for babysitting mean that you help out unless you've got nonrefundable, price-y tickets or are going somewhere others are dependent on you attending. dinner and a movie can - and should be - rescheduled, despite you looking forward to it. it just sounds like you need to work on being a bit more flexible when life interferes with what you were planning to do in your head.	yta " my brother 'jack' (36m) let us stay at his place while we sort everything out and we're grateful to him." you don't sound grateful at all. when jack needed your help because he got called to go to work, you refused, because you were going to movies. if i was jack, i'd take note, and if your level of gratefulness continues, i'd stop helping you out too, and would tell you to move out.	yta. i get that you had planned a date night, but it doesn’t sound like this was the only night you could have done this - while your brother’s need - though not an emergency - was time-sensitive. you’re staying in his home and it sounds like you and your bf aren’t paying rent. i get it would have been disappointing to delay your date to a different night, but it wouldn’t have been that hard and was kinda the least you could do.	op: asks brother for huge favor of indefinite length of time bro:asks op for small favor for one evening(and offered to pay) i love that op's boyfriend has the nerve to critique the guy who's only letting him stay for the sake of his baby sister. yta even if you couldn't do it out of gratitude for this massive favor your brother is doing you, you should've done it out of practicality:ie helping him do the job keeping a roof over you and your grown adult boyfriend's heads.	oof. this is a tough one. i love that you have solid boundaries, and that you're not letting yourself be walked over for childcare because your brother took you in. but the problem is, your brother really has not been taking advantage of you at all. like not even a little. he's only been giving and generous. i'm sure it's not super convenient having two more people in the house, and i'm guessing his house bills are also going up. doesn't sound like he's holding any of that over your head. he didn't even throw it in your face when he was clearly compromising his position at work. considering he hasn't ever put you in this kind of situation before, i think it was your turn to give back and compromise one date night as a thank you, to let him know that you don't take his generosity for granted. instead, as sweet and conflicted as you sound, you ultimately came off as a bit entitled. i know you likely haven't had a date night in ages, and are under quite a bit of stress. that doesn't excuse the selfishness. you're both going to have to suck it up, and just understand that you might have to make sacrifices like this sometimes while you navigate this stage.	i find it hilarious that ‘rob’ the guy 2 years older than the brother says ‘jack’ should have planned better. i feel the almost 40 year old man should have planned better in life so he wouldn’t have to couchsurf. the audacity. truly hope your brother kicks you out. yta big time	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: (throwaway) [update here](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwaway_aita_5212/comments/y7w59b/update_aita_for_telling_my_brother_i_cant_babysit/) the place i (28f) worked at downsized and i lost my job earlier this year. i found another but it pays significantly less. me and my boyfriend 'rob' (38m) recently moved out as the rent was too high, and we've been looking for a more affordable place. my brother 'jack' (36m) let us stay at his place while we sort everything out and we're grateful to him. jack's profession means his work hours are all over the place. my niece 'lacey' (3f) usually stays with a sitter or with her maternal grandparents while jack's at work. since i've been staying here i've also looked after her a couple of times when i don't have other plans. a couple of days ago jack got called in unexpectedly and he asked if we could look after lacey. the issue was that me and rob were planning to go out for dinner and a movie later. i said sorry, but we couldn't. jack got extremely pushy and said to take lacey with us and he'll pay, but obviously me and rob weren't onboard with this as it's supposed to be a date night, on top of the movie not being suitable for kids. he also told us to reschedule, but we did end up going. side note, it wasn't an emergency. jack was able to call in and say he couldn't make it, but he's been really pissed at me and apparently his seniors aren't too happy with him. again, we did apologize, and rob later said jack should've planned better. he's still pretty mad at us, so aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> (throwaway) [update here](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwaway_aita_5212/comments/y7w59b/update_aita_for_telling_my_brother_i_cant_babysit/) the place i (28f) worked at downsized and i lost my job earlier this year. i found another but it pays significantly less. me and my boyfriend 'rob' (38m) recently moved out as the rent was too high, and we've been looking for a more affordable place. my brother 'jack' (36m) let us stay at his place while we sort everything out and we're grateful to him. jack's profession means his work hours are all over the place. my niece 'lacey' (3f) usually stays with a sitter or with her maternal grandparents while jack's at work. since i've been staying here i've also looked after her a couple of times when i don't have other plans. a couple of days ago jack got called in unexpectedly and he asked if we could look after lacey. the issue was that me and rob were planning to go out for dinner and a movie later. i said sorry, but we couldn't. jack got extremely pushy and said to take lacey with us and he'll pay, but obviously me and rob weren't onboard with this as it's supposed to be a date night, on top of the movie not being suitable for kids. he also told us to reschedule, but we did end up going. side note, it wasn't an emergency. jack was able to call in and say he couldn't make it, but he's been really pissed at me and apparently his seniors aren't too happy with him. again, we did apologize, and rob later said jack should've planned better. he's still pretty mad at us, so aita? [/INST] yta rob said jack should of planned better.. rob and you are living in his bloody house and have a nerve to say he should have planned better lol </s>
AITA for telling my fiance's daughter the truth?	i (23f) recently became engaged to my boyfriend james (36m) of 8-months. he's been married two times before me. his first wife died during the birth of their daughter anna, now 12, and he and his second wife laura finalised their divorce 4 months ago. i've always loved children and since james and i started dating, i've tried my best to win anna over, but she's at the age where she's ridiculously stubborn and thinks of me as the enemy. since the divorce and subsequent engagement, we have been trying to ease anna in to thinking of me as a mother figure, but she flat out refuses. previously she'd just given me the silent treatment, but recently, she'd escalated to snapping at me and saying quite vile things to me (calling me a gold-digger, home-wrecker). she spent christmas with laura but came to stay with us for the new year, and kept up the typical pre-teen attitude the entire time. after refusing to help set the table for dinner, i scolded her and she screamed that i wasn't her mother. in the heat of the moment, i snapped back that laura wasn't her mother either and she immediately went and told her father. he's furious with me and says i had no right to tell anna that. i realise i may have overstepped but it was the truth. i haven't spoken to him any further about it; he took anna over to his ex's this morning after telling me she'd cried herself to sleep. i feel awful that she was upset, but i had no idea it would affect her like that. am i the asshole for losing my temper and telling her the truth?	3,907	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kp2154/aita_for_telling_my_fiances_daughter_the_truth/	2021-01-02 17:55:52	yta. you describe this teen as seeing you as the enemy....well maybe you are considering her 'mum' and dad only got divorced 4 months ago plus you have only been with him 8 months are already engaged. like...give the girl a chance to actually understand what's going on. also, she doesn't need a mother figure and you don't need to be one for her. i also can't get to grips with the 'came to stay with us for new year'. does she not live with you? if she does, she didn't 'come to stay'. honestly? seems you're too young to be involved in a relationship like this.	wow. yta. how could you do that to a 12 year old?! 8 months of being with this man and you think his child should be open to this change so quickly?! 8 months is not that long! you are a very immature, spiteful, little girl who is not ready for this kind of commitment and at this point, i’m hoping your fiancé cancels the wedding.	yta. because anna’s bio mom died giving birth, laura is the only mother anna has known. you’ve only been in her life for a matter of months, whereas laura has presumably been a mother figure to her for years. regardless of who gave birth to anna, laura is her mother and your outburst was childish and cruel.	yta. her mum died giving birth to her and laura has been the only mother she knows. therefore, laura is her mother. you are not. you have no right to try and force being the new “mother” onto your partners child, at all, period. you’re not ready to be a mother, either. you know what you said and how much it would hurt her because you feel some perceived sleight that she doesn’t want to regard you, pretty much a stranger, as her new “mother”. 23 years old with the emotional maturity of a child. anna deserves better than you.	you’re dating someone with a daughter closer to your age than his. you’ve been dating him 8 months. she’s calling it like she sees it, and yta.	yta “a preteen has a bad attitude, so i told her that the only mother she knew wasn’t really her mother.” you wanted to be her mother figure, you need to grow up first. wonder why she hasn’t warmed up to you yet.	yep, yta and too immature to be anyone’s parent or step parent. you act like a 12 year old.	yta. you realize that part of being a parent is being an adult right? you threw the death of a child's mother in her face in an attempt to what? establish you dominance over the situation? prove to her that you demand to play the role of mother? clearly you don't deserve the title step mother, and you should do some real soul searching as to why. grow up.	yta 1) a mother is not defined by blood or someone who birthed you. it was someone who was there when it mattered. 2) trying to ease her into thinking of you as a motherly figure is not the way to go. she will come to terms with liking you as a person when you give her reasons to like you. you can’t ease someone into seeing you as a mother that title is earned. 3) if you’re going to be in this girls life you’re going to need a lot more patience then this because it only goes downhill with the attitude from here especially if you aren’t giving her a reason to like you. finally just because you are marrying her father does not make you her mother or a mother figure to this girl. that’s for her to decide and as of now she does not see you this way. eta this was not the “truth” this is a temper tantrum of a child who thought she was going to just waltz right in and become a parent. she obviously has a mother so why not attempt to be her friend	11 years between you and the kid, 13 years between you and your fiance who you started dating when he was married and got engaged to after 8 months. you have got to be kidding me with this?! but even disregarding the relationship math, the kid already has a stepmom who might be disappearing from her life now, depending on how the divorce goes. and since he started dating someone 13 years younger before the divorce was finalised, i'm gonna guess it's not amicable. stepmoms aren't like school teachers that are replaced every so often and the kids just have to deal and treat them all the same. honestly, your age is showing when you think you can just swoop in and demand to be treated as a parent. yta	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (23f) recently became engaged to my boyfriend james (36m) of 8-months. he's been married two times before me. his first wife died during the birth of their daughter anna, now 12, and he and his second wife laura finalised their divorce 4 months ago. i've always loved children and since james and i started dating, i've tried my best to win anna over, but she's at the age where she's ridiculously stubborn and thinks of me as the enemy. since the divorce and subsequent engagement, we have been trying to ease anna in to thinking of me as a mother figure, but she flat out refuses. previously she'd just given me the silent treatment, but recently, she'd escalated to snapping at me and saying quite vile things to me (calling me a gold-digger, home-wrecker). she spent christmas with laura but came to stay with us for the new year, and kept up the typical pre-teen attitude the entire time. after refusing to help set the table for dinner, i scolded her and she screamed that i wasn't her mother. in the heat of the moment, i snapped back that laura wasn't her mother either and she immediately went and told her father. he's furious with me and says i had no right to tell anna that. i realise i may have overstepped but it was the truth. i haven't spoken to him any further about it; he took anna over to his ex's this morning after telling me she'd cried herself to sleep. i feel awful that she was upset, but i had no idea it would affect her like that. am i the asshole for losing my temper and telling her the truth?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i (23f) recently became engaged to my boyfriend james (36m) of 8-months. he's been married two times before me. his first wife died during the birth of their daughter anna, now 12, and he and his second wife laura finalised their divorce 4 months ago. i've always loved children and since james and i started dating, i've tried my best to win anna over, but she's at the age where she's ridiculously stubborn and thinks of me as the enemy. since the divorce and subsequent engagement, we have been trying to ease anna in to thinking of me as a mother figure, but she flat out refuses. previously she'd just given me the silent treatment, but recently, she'd escalated to snapping at me and saying quite vile things to me (calling me a gold-digger, home-wrecker). she spent christmas with laura but came to stay with us for the new year, and kept up the typical pre-teen attitude the entire time. after refusing to help set the table for dinner, i scolded her and she screamed that i wasn't her mother. in the heat of the moment, i snapped back that laura wasn't her mother either and she immediately went and told her father. he's furious with me and says i had no right to tell anna that. i realise i may have overstepped but it was the truth. i haven't spoken to him any further about it; he took anna over to his ex's this morning after telling me she'd cried herself to sleep. i feel awful that she was upset, but i had no idea it would affect her like that. am i the asshole for losing my temper and telling her the truth? [/INST] yta. you describe this teen as seeing you as the enemy....well maybe you are considering her 'mum' and dad only got divorced 4 months ago plus you have only been with him 8 months are already engaged. like...give the girl a chance to actually understand what's going on. also, she doesn't need a mother figure and you don't need to be one for her. i also can't get to grips with the 'came to stay with us for new year'. does she not live with you? if she does, she didn't 'come to stay'. honestly? seems you're too young to be involved in a relationship like this. </s>
AITA For laughing my ass off at my wife's expense?	just for context, i am 6'2 and my wife is 4'11. she is insecure about her height and while i try my best to tell her that she is stupendously beautiful the way she is, she got bullied about it pretty bad and it's just an aspect she doesn't like about herself. with this in mind, we recently went to one of my favorite places to eat. now, this restaurant has a really large counter and my wife is petite, so the cashier couldn't really see her. we ordered our food, and were heading out when the cashier held out a giant piece of candy and said 'for your lovely daughter' to me. i honestly couldn't help but burst out laughing to the point that i had tears in my eyes and i had to compose myself before driving back home. my wife was obviously pretty pissed. aita?	24,773	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dmcw3y/aita_for_laughing_my_ass_off_at_my_wifes_expense/	2019-10-24 07:23:27	yta &#x200b; dude, come on! you know this is a point of pain and insecurity for your wife. like she's told you that she's been bullied for this and you laugh at this to the point where there were tears? and you haven't apologised for this? she's your wife man. so yeah. you're the a-hole here bud.	“i laughed at my wife in public about her biggest insecurity that she was bullied for throughout her life” yeah yta	yta i can understand an initial laugh, but really, you know it upsets her and it's a sore spot for her, and you're just going to laugh hysterically? that's pretty mean, and in her place, i'd be pretty pissed at you too.	yta. my boyfriend is the same height as you and i'm 4'11. it's extremely frustrating to not be taken seriously your whole life based on your height. we've heard every short joke in the world. i'm not insecure about my height, but it's definitely colored the way people treat me in my life. it gets extremely annoying and old sometimes. i can imagine how demeaning it felt for your wife when she saw you laugh so hard over her lifelong insecurity.	yta - not for the initial outburst but it takes more than a few seconds to get to the point of tears in your eyes and that’s plenty of time to have composed yourself	nah - honestly, sometimes shit is just funny and laughter that brings tears to your eyes isnt easily stopped. one time i laughed my arse off at the expense of my child. full tears, hands on knees, gasping for breath hysterics. i had to gesture to my husband to console him because i couldnt pick him up i was laughing so hard. (6 yrs old, held his sandwhich above his head so the little monkey couldnt get it. monkey scaled my child, shot up his wee arm, and snatch his ham and cheese. kid wailed, mother died laughing) i'm sorry she was bullied, that's real shit and the effects can last a long time. sometimes inappropriate laughter is very hard to stop however, so while i dont think you're an arsehole i do think you've a shit tonne of sucking up to do.	yta, you're not the asshole for the initial laughter but you know this is a sore spot for your wife you could have been considerate	nah / very soft yta. i'm a petite girl, i understand the pain of being taken as a kid. being mistaken as your daughter is understandably very funny, but it's a soft point for your wife and you should've tried to keep it in. (still though, i chuckled)	seems like people here think laughter is completly voluntary. were you guys never in school and couldn't stop from laughing even though you really wanted to? i would go for nah, depending on how you behaved after. but just so you know i understand why you laughed and sometimes there is nothing you do about it. the fact that you shouldn't / don't want to laugh means nothing usually, because it only makes you laugh harder. hope you and your wife can talk about it. it seems as if you're usually very understanding about her insecurities concering her height.	yta if she's insecure about her height having you laugh at that isn't going to make her feel any better and she will just be more insecure in the future.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	NAH	YTA	NAH	NAH	YTA	0.139196	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: just for context, i am 6'2 and my wife is 4'11. she is insecure about her height and while i try my best to tell her that she is stupendously beautiful the way she is, she got bullied about it pretty bad and it's just an aspect she doesn't like about herself. with this in mind, we recently went to one of my favorite places to eat. now, this restaurant has a really large counter and my wife is petite, so the cashier couldn't really see her. we ordered our food, and were heading out when the cashier held out a giant piece of candy and said 'for your lovely daughter' to me. i honestly couldn't help but burst out laughing to the point that i had tears in my eyes and i had to compose myself before driving back home. my wife was obviously pretty pissed. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> just for context, i am 6'2 and my wife is 4'11. she is insecure about her height and while i try my best to tell her that she is stupendously beautiful the way she is, she got bullied about it pretty bad and it's just an aspect she doesn't like about herself. with this in mind, we recently went to one of my favorite places to eat. now, this restaurant has a really large counter and my wife is petite, so the cashier couldn't really see her. we ordered our food, and were heading out when the cashier held out a giant piece of candy and said 'for your lovely daughter' to me. i honestly couldn't help but burst out laughing to the point that i had tears in my eyes and i had to compose myself before driving back home. my wife was obviously pretty pissed. aita? [/INST] yta &#x200b; dude, come on! you know this is a point of pain and insecurity for your wife. like she's told you that she's been bullied for this and you laugh at this to the point where there were tears? and you haven't apologised for this? she's your wife man. so yeah. you're the a-hole here bud. </s>
AITA for laughing at my SO during sex?	2 things first: -she just got a smart watch. -she is not the most active during sex so my so and i were having sex. i'm on top and it's the usual, which is fine. i am always the one to suggest other positions and stuff, otherwise it would just be missionary/done. i've already got her off and i say "hey babe, wanna get on top?" her" not really, if that's okay" me "okay" (continues in/out) suddenly her watch starts vibrating and chiming. me "what's up with that?" her(without thinking)"oh it just does that when it thinks i've been sedentary too long" i bust out laughing. can't stop. she get super grumpy about it. we stop. i don't really care cause i appreciate the comedy. now her feeling are kinda hurt :/....	32,117	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ahhlzx/aita_for_laughing_at_my_so_during_sex/	2019-01-19 01:51:58	nta, if she can't see how funny that is. 😂😂😂😂😂	nta - honestly, this is objectively funny, and a cute couple-y inside joke that i hope y'all can fondly look back on in the future. she should try to lighten up about this one.	nta but apologize and make it clear you weren't laughing at her. some people are particularly vulnerable to feeling humiliated during sex.	nta - that shit is funny. she can lighten up	nta, but appologize to her to make her feel better.	nta- omg. having a chuckle during sex is awesome. me and my wife (lesbians here) laugh during sex a bit. she once farted when she came and we about died laughing. she was embarrassed at first but i told her she farts around me all the time; she just had impeccable timing. lol. sex doesn’t always have to be like this romantic and serious thing. explain that it was just funny, why you found it funny, and that you weren’t trying to make fun of her. she may just be really embarrassed and may take your laughing as something negative about her. hope it work out bud.	nah. you didn't intend to hurt her feelings. and this is next level perfect in terms of comedy. however, you should consider her side. when a partner laughs during sex, it can come off as playful, or it can come off as bit mocking or cruel. obviously i haven't heard the laughter, but she could have felt very humiliated/mortified. having that happen during sex can be a powerfully negative experience. you should apologize and ask her to talk about how it made her feel.	nta she can't just starfish and then get mad when her watch calls her out on it. that's hilarious. maybe she'll up her game now.	nta i laughed reading this	lmao i think she’s just a little embarrassed and playing frowny face saves her ego. it’s funny and i’m sure she will see it that way one day.. even if she won’t admit it haha	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NAH	NTA	NTA	null	0.000485	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: 2 things first: -she just got a smart watch. -she is not the most active during sex so my so and i were having sex. i'm on top and it's the usual, which is fine. i am always the one to suggest other positions and stuff, otherwise it would just be missionary/done. i've already got her off and i say "hey babe, wanna get on top?" her" not really, if that's okay" me "okay" (continues in/out) suddenly her watch starts vibrating and chiming. me "what's up with that?" her(without thinking)"oh it just does that when it thinks i've been sedentary too long" i bust out laughing. can't stop. she get super grumpy about it. we stop. i don't really care cause i appreciate the comedy. now her feeling are kinda hurt :/....	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> 2 things first: -she just got a smart watch. -she is not the most active during sex so my so and i were having sex. i'm on top and it's the usual, which is fine. i am always the one to suggest other positions and stuff, otherwise it would just be missionary/done. i've already got her off and i say "hey babe, wanna get on top?" her" not really, if that's okay" me "okay" (continues in/out) suddenly her watch starts vibrating and chiming. me "what's up with that?" her(without thinking)"oh it just does that when it thinks i've been sedentary too long" i bust out laughing. can't stop. she get super grumpy about it. we stop. i don't really care cause i appreciate the comedy. now her feeling are kinda hurt :/.... [/INST] nta, if she can't see how funny that is. 😂😂😂😂😂 </s>
AITA for still not letting my sister into my house after she made me miss daughter’s birth?	frankly i don’t know if i’m being an asshole. family seems to think i am so just want to know what others here think. my sister (25f) was going to meet her dad (not my dad by the way) for the first time in almost 18/19 yrs and she was really nervous. she asked me to go with her for support. he was staying at some hotel about 30 mins away and the whole ride over there, my sister had my phone to give me directions. my wife was calling me because she’d gone into labor. then my mil was calling me too. my sister put my phone on do not disturb without me knowing and erased the notifications. i didn’t even realize it until after we were leaving from having lunch with him an hour and a half later that she’d been calling me. all my sister told me was i had a missed call (more like dozens). when i found out i was yelling at her the whole ride to the hospital. she apologized many times. her only excuse was this was a big emotional moment for her meeting her dad and she was scared doing it alone knowing how her anxiety is. this was the only time they’d have to see each since he was leaving in a few days and wouldn’t be back for months. i really couldn’t believe it. by the time we got there, my daughter had already been born a half hour. don’t get me wrong i was so happy to know my daughter and wife were okay but i was also devastated to have missed the birth of my first child. couldn’t look at my sister, all i told her was to get an uber to take her home because i didn’t want her near me right now. my daughter is almost 4 weeks old and almost everyone (vaccinated) has come to see her. last weekend my parents came over with my sister in the car but i said i don’t want her in my home right now. they got mad and left early. i keep hearing it from my family that i’m being completely unfair treating my sister like an outcast by not letting her in my home. but i’m just still angry at her right now and don’t think i have it in me to be in her presence. aita?	21,428	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/nqelbr/aita_for_still_not_letting_my_sister_into_my/	2021-06-02 05:46:06	nta, she knew exactly what she was doing. she made you miss something once in a lifetime, and i can't imagine how important that must've been for you. and the fact she did it to go see her deadbeat father. that's tragic and ironic. and your parents can't even see it your way a little it seems. you have every right to be furious.	nta. you know what else is a 'big emotional moment'? the birth of your child. she didn't have the right to prioritize meeting her dad over you being present for a huge moment in your life. you can choose how you respond to that, they don't get to manage how you feel.	nta - she didn't just make you miss the birth of your baby. she is personally responsible for your wife being denied the comfort of having her partner by her side during labor and delivery. birth is still potentially deadly for both mothers and babies, and your sister risked your wife's and daughter's health and lives by interfering in your ability to be contacted. the fact that your family is sticking up for her makes me think she's got some sort of spoiled princess complex and will likely never apologize, and if she doesn't, your relationship with her is probably not salvageable.	nta that's fucking disgusting behaviour from your sister. i'm so sorry you missed such a magical moment, i'm so sorry for your wife who missed out on your support and sharing that moment with you.	nta . your sister decided that leaving a woman give birth while stressing out about where the father is was less important than her own stress and tampered with your phone . a birth is a once in a lifetime event. there is no redoing it and even if your wife and in laws hopefully understood, it will never erase the feelings they had at the moment. being rage or stress. i would be so worried that you’d have been in an accident if you don’t answer to that many calls while you know to keep your phone close around the birth due date. your sister is owed nothing. she was the builder of her own misery	nta, it might have been months before she could see her birth father again, but you will never again have the chance to support your wife and see your first child be born.	nta. she should have told you about the calls - she could have rescheduled the meeting if she was that desperate to have you with her. you need to focus on yourself, your wife, and your new baby right now. don’t worry about anyone else! although eventually you’ll have to decide whether you can forgive your sister and move past it, or if your relationship with her is over. and congratulations dad!	nta! wow, that is next level narcissism. the fact that she actually turned up at your house means that she has no clue or care of just what she has done. what if something had gone wrong or there had been a complication. thank god it didn’t but just the thought that she knew your wife was heavily pregnant and she put your phone on do not disturb and deleted notifications. that is irresponsible beyond belief and utterly selfish. she needs to back off and let you and your wife work through this. your rage is absolutely understandable and if your parents don’t get that then maybe they need some time out too. don’t they realise that you and your wife have lost a precious memory, not to mention the incredible stress and worry it probably added to your wife’s experience that she couldn’t reach you. i’m actually angry on your behalf!	nta, the birth of your first child is a once in a life time event. she made decisions that had lifetime consequences. if i were your wife i might never want to see her again. very selfish of your sister.	nta. that's so selfish of her. she's an adult who should be able to handle her own damn business.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: frankly i don’t know if i’m being an asshole. family seems to think i am so just want to know what others here think. my sister (25f) was going to meet her dad (not my dad by the way) for the first time in almost 18/19 yrs and she was really nervous. she asked me to go with her for support. he was staying at some hotel about 30 mins away and the whole ride over there, my sister had my phone to give me directions. my wife was calling me because she’d gone into labor. then my mil was calling me too. my sister put my phone on do not disturb without me knowing and erased the notifications. i didn’t even realize it until after we were leaving from having lunch with him an hour and a half later that she’d been calling me. all my sister told me was i had a missed call (more like dozens). when i found out i was yelling at her the whole ride to the hospital. she apologized many times. her only excuse was this was a big emotional moment for her meeting her dad and she was scared doing it alone knowing how her anxiety is. this was the only time they’d have to see each since he was leaving in a few days and wouldn’t be back for months. i really couldn’t believe it. by the time we got there, my daughter had already been born a half hour. don’t get me wrong i was so happy to know my daughter and wife were okay but i was also devastated to have missed the birth of my first child. couldn’t look at my sister, all i told her was to get an uber to take her home because i didn’t want her near me right now. my daughter is almost 4 weeks old and almost everyone (vaccinated) has come to see her. last weekend my parents came over with my sister in the car but i said i don’t want her in my home right now. they got mad and left early. i keep hearing it from my family that i’m being completely unfair treating my sister like an outcast by not letting her in my home. but i’m just still angry at her right now and don’t think i have it in me to be in her presence. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> frankly i don’t know if i’m being an asshole. family seems to think i am so just want to know what others here think. my sister (25f) was going to meet her dad (not my dad by the way) for the first time in almost 18/19 yrs and she was really nervous. she asked me to go with her for support. he was staying at some hotel about 30 mins away and the whole ride over there, my sister had my phone to give me directions. my wife was calling me because she’d gone into labor. then my mil was calling me too. my sister put my phone on do not disturb without me knowing and erased the notifications. i didn’t even realize it until after we were leaving from having lunch with him an hour and a half later that she’d been calling me. all my sister told me was i had a missed call (more like dozens). when i found out i was yelling at her the whole ride to the hospital. she apologized many times. her only excuse was this was a big emotional moment for her meeting her dad and she was scared doing it alone knowing how her anxiety is. this was the only time they’d have to see each since he was leaving in a few days and wouldn’t be back for months. i really couldn’t believe it. by the time we got there, my daughter had already been born a half hour. don’t get me wrong i was so happy to know my daughter and wife were okay but i was also devastated to have missed the birth of my first child. couldn’t look at my sister, all i told her was to get an uber to take her home because i didn’t want her near me right now. my daughter is almost 4 weeks old and almost everyone (vaccinated) has come to see her. last weekend my parents came over with my sister in the car but i said i don’t want her in my home right now. they got mad and left early. i keep hearing it from my family that i’m being completely unfair treating my sister like an outcast by not letting her in my home. but i’m just still angry at her right now and don’t think i have it in me to be in her presence. aita? [/INST] nta, she knew exactly what she was doing. she made you miss something once in a lifetime, and i can't imagine how important that must've been for you. and the fact she did it to go see her deadbeat father. that's tragic and ironic. and your parents can't even see it your way a little it seems. you have every right to be furious. </s>
AITA for choosing to not get involved when my daughter threw away my wife's shampoo collection?	for context: i 39, got married to my wife "nelly" 36, months ago. i have to say that nelly and my daughter (her stepdaughter) "megan" 16, never gotten along. they have lots of disagreements and nothing in common and it was obvious since the first say they met but i didn't do anything about it thinking they'd move past their differences and warm up to each other the longer they spend time together. i was wrong because once we moved in together the fights got worse. nelly would complain from megan throwing away stuff of her's just because she thought it didn't belong there. it's been basically a mouse and cat game and i've lost track on who's right and who's wrong. i did try tk establish some boundaries to try to bring back peace to my home and had them agree that each stays in their own lane and not bother each other. nelly said that i was wrong tk think that what megan is doing is okay but i told her to let it slide. nelly has especial type of haircare products for her sensitive hair. shampoo, conditioner etc etc. she put them in the bathroom but megan ended up throwing them away saying that nelly had no right to store her products in the bathroom cause it's not her house. to keep the peace i asked nelly to just keep her stuff in the bedroom and take it with her whenever she wants to take a shower to which she agreed. last night nelly took a shower and forgot her hair products in the bathroom. megan ended up going in there and then the shampoo collection was gone. nelly freaked out and then had a fight after megan told her she dumped them out saying she already warned her about leaving her stuff laying around in the bathroom. nelly broke down and when i said i choose to stay out of this because of how petty it was, she blew up at me. she yelled about how i keep letting megan get away with bad attitude and unjustified misbehavior. told me to stop enabling her and start setting consequences for her actions. i told her she shouldve been more careful knowing how megan is so i feel like this was preventable. but she said that she forgot her stuff there and didn't think megan would go that far. we had an argument and that was it. megan is acting nonchalant sdespite me talking to her and nelly went tj stay with her parents saying i need to step up and do something.	13,659	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vtqorz/aita_for_choosing_to_not_get_involved_when_my/	2022-07-07 19:22:42	yta here absolutely. she’s your child, you should be acting like a parent. why would you act like they should work it out when it’s literally your house and your child.	yta. prepare to be a divorcee.	looool yes yta!!! "she yelled about how i keep letting megan get away with bad attitude and unjustified misbehavior. told me to stop enabling her and start setting consequences for her actions. i told her she shouldve been more careful knowing how megan is but she said that she forgot her stuff there and didn't think megan would go that far." your wife is 100% right. what you're allowing is unacceptable.	[removed]	yta big time! just to be clear, you're okay with your daughter telling your wife she doesn't have the right to keep shampoo in her bathroom because she doesn't belong? thats keeping the peace? your daughter ruined your wifes property and you stayed out of it? you're enabling your daughter to keep this up. your wife should run, she is clearly not a priority to you and not welcome in her own home.	yta. is this for real? you let your 16 year old daughter dictate where your wife keeps her shampoo, you let her say it's not your wife's house, you let her get away with throwing stuff away? it's past time to address this directly. apologize to your wife, set clear boundaries for your daughter, and follow through.	yup, yta and you've done nothing as a dad and husband to help create a happy home. you let your daughter run the house and get away with being totally shitty towards your new wife. you 100% need to step up, set 'real' boundaries for your daughter, and maybe do some family counselling. a great way to start is by telling them both 'i am a huge ah for how i've handled the blending of our family. i want to help make it right for you both'.	yta for obvious bait, no one is this dumb.	yta. you should back your wife - imagine if this was reversed and she had a child throwing your things out because 'it's not your house'. obviously megan is young and not taking this very well, but that doesn't excuse her behaviour and you shouldn't let it slide. i actually feel sorry for your wife. as a husband you should be supporting her as it is clearly making her upset to the point of breaking down. 'keeping out of it' isn't really an option here. it's not her biological daughter and megan clearly does not respect her as a parental figure, thus, you have to step in.	just so we’re clear, you’re letting your teenage daughter terrorize your wife without even attempting to course-correct because you can’t be bothered to parent her? you might as well start referring to “nelly” as your soon-to-be-ex wife because there’s no way in hell she’s going to stick around when you’ve shown her that you don’t have her back at all. yta.	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: for context: i 39, got married to my wife "nelly" 36, months ago. i have to say that nelly and my daughter (her stepdaughter) "megan" 16, never gotten along. they have lots of disagreements and nothing in common and it was obvious since the first say they met but i didn't do anything about it thinking they'd move past their differences and warm up to each other the longer they spend time together. i was wrong because once we moved in together the fights got worse. nelly would complain from megan throwing away stuff of her's just because she thought it didn't belong there. it's been basically a mouse and cat game and i've lost track on who's right and who's wrong. i did try tk establish some boundaries to try to bring back peace to my home and had them agree that each stays in their own lane and not bother each other. nelly said that i was wrong tk think that what megan is doing is okay but i told her to let it slide. nelly has especial type of haircare products for her sensitive hair. shampoo, conditioner etc etc. she put them in the bathroom but megan ended up throwing them away saying that nelly had no right to store her products in the bathroom cause it's not her house. to keep the peace i asked nelly to just keep her stuff in the bedroom and take it with her whenever she wants to take a shower to which she agreed. last night nelly took a shower and forgot her hair products in the bathroom. megan ended up going in there and then the shampoo collection was gone. nelly freaked out and then had a fight after megan told her she dumped them out saying she already warned her about leaving her stuff laying around in the bathroom. nelly broke down and when i said i choose to stay out of this because of how petty it was, she blew up at me. she yelled about how i keep letting megan get away with bad attitude and unjustified misbehavior. told me to stop enabling her and start setting consequences for her actions. i told her she shouldve been more careful knowing how megan is so i feel like this was preventable. but she said that she forgot her stuff there and didn't think megan would go that far. we had an argument and that was it. megan is acting nonchalant sdespite me talking to her and nelly went tj stay with her parents saying i need to step up and do something.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> for context: i 39, got married to my wife "nelly" 36, months ago. i have to say that nelly and my daughter (her stepdaughter) "megan" 16, never gotten along. they have lots of disagreements and nothing in common and it was obvious since the first say they met but i didn't do anything about it thinking they'd move past their differences and warm up to each other the longer they spend time together. i was wrong because once we moved in together the fights got worse. nelly would complain from megan throwing away stuff of her's just because she thought it didn't belong there. it's been basically a mouse and cat game and i've lost track on who's right and who's wrong. i did try tk establish some boundaries to try to bring back peace to my home and had them agree that each stays in their own lane and not bother each other. nelly said that i was wrong tk think that what megan is doing is okay but i told her to let it slide. nelly has especial type of haircare products for her sensitive hair. shampoo, conditioner etc etc. she put them in the bathroom but megan ended up throwing them away saying that nelly had no right to store her products in the bathroom cause it's not her house. to keep the peace i asked nelly to just keep her stuff in the bedroom and take it with her whenever she wants to take a shower to which she agreed. last night nelly took a shower and forgot her hair products in the bathroom. megan ended up going in there and then the shampoo collection was gone. nelly freaked out and then had a fight after megan told her she dumped them out saying she already warned her about leaving her stuff laying around in the bathroom. nelly broke down and when i said i choose to stay out of this because of how petty it was, she blew up at me. she yelled about how i keep letting megan get away with bad attitude and unjustified misbehavior. told me to stop enabling her and start setting consequences for her actions. i told her she shouldve been more careful knowing how megan is so i feel like this was preventable. but she said that she forgot her stuff there and didn't think megan would go that far. we had an argument and that was it. megan is acting nonchalant sdespite me talking to her and nelly went tj stay with her parents saying i need to step up and do something. [/INST] yta here absolutely. she’s your child, you should be acting like a parent. why would you act like they should work it out when it’s literally your house and your child. </s>
AITA for not letting my roommate wear something she stole from me?	last night my roommate was about to leave for some fancy dinner she was attending at her boyfriend’s parent’s house and i noticed she was wearing my dress. i asked her if it was mine and she said yes. i asked her if she had gone into my room while i wasn’t there and taken it and she sheepishly said yes. just to be clear, we don’t have that kind of relationship, we’re friendly but not friends, so this felt like a huge violation. i told her to take it off and find something else to wear. she began crying and said she had nothing else to wear that would work for the event. i said too bad if she had asked me first it would have been a totally different story. i’m not cool with her just taking my things without permission. she ended up having a temper tantrum and not going. her boyfriend texted me later on and said i was an asshole. aita here?	24,686	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/i6hs86/aita_for_not_letting_my_roommate_wear_something/	2020-08-09 11:24:11	nta lol, she’s a thief who’s trying to guilt-trip you. people like that are just looking for people to take advantage of. they want you to think you’re the ah so they can pull stuff like this on you again in the future.	nta. get a lock and key for your door	>she ended up having a temper tantrum and not going nta. this is her fault 100%, all she had to do was ask first.	nta you are definitely not the asshole your roommate stole from you and then threw a tantrum when you asked for your dress back. she sounds extremely entitled.	nta, and this still wouldn't be fine if you were friends. you ask before you use someone else's things?	her boyfriend texted you because she couldn't look presentable enough for dinner at his parents house? i feel like it's not exactly your task to provide her with nice clothes if he has that kind of standards. nta.	nta. i would be looking for a new roommate. that is a huge violation of trust.	nta. wtf. she didn't have the basic decency to ask you if she could borrow it. she invaded your privacy - when you weren't home and then has the audacity to blame you for her not going to that dinner and not herself? yeesh.	info- how are you sharing a lease with a toddler?	classic aita. obviously you’re not and know it. why are friends and family always getting involved and calling the op in these stories?	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	INFO	null	0.00388	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: last night my roommate was about to leave for some fancy dinner she was attending at her boyfriend’s parent’s house and i noticed she was wearing my dress. i asked her if it was mine and she said yes. i asked her if she had gone into my room while i wasn’t there and taken it and she sheepishly said yes. just to be clear, we don’t have that kind of relationship, we’re friendly but not friends, so this felt like a huge violation. i told her to take it off and find something else to wear. she began crying and said she had nothing else to wear that would work for the event. i said too bad if she had asked me first it would have been a totally different story. i’m not cool with her just taking my things without permission. she ended up having a temper tantrum and not going. her boyfriend texted me later on and said i was an asshole. aita here?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> last night my roommate was about to leave for some fancy dinner she was attending at her boyfriend’s parent’s house and i noticed she was wearing my dress. i asked her if it was mine and she said yes. i asked her if she had gone into my room while i wasn’t there and taken it and she sheepishly said yes. just to be clear, we don’t have that kind of relationship, we’re friendly but not friends, so this felt like a huge violation. i told her to take it off and find something else to wear. she began crying and said she had nothing else to wear that would work for the event. i said too bad if she had asked me first it would have been a totally different story. i’m not cool with her just taking my things without permission. she ended up having a temper tantrum and not going. her boyfriend texted me later on and said i was an asshole. aita here? [/INST] nta lol, she’s a thief who’s trying to guilt-trip you. people like that are just looking for people to take advantage of. they want you to think you’re the ah so they can pull stuff like this on you again in the future. </s>
AITA For kicking my brother in law out and reporting my therapist?	let me explain. even though i don't like to talk about it. i (male) 25 was involved in an auto accident (i was the one driving) and lost my dad who was with me at the time. i had untreated ptsd for nearly a year. i couldn't speak about it to anyone. my sister got me in therapy 2 months ago because she said that i needed it. this is our first holidays without dad and i wasn't intending on doing anything this year but the family decided to come and spend time with me. my aunt, my cousin and her kids, my sister and my brother in law, and my mom. my brother in law started bringing up the accident in detail exactly the way i'd describe it like he heard it from me, the number of sessions i've attended so far. brought up the name of my therapist and asked if he's the one i been seeing. then he started asking me how i'm doing/if my therapy sessions are benefiting me or not/and telling the exact time i got into therapy. and then casually said that i shouldn't tell people that i feel responsibility for what happened implying that i told my therapist that. i was taken aback i asked how he knew all that. my sister said she didn't tell him and i didn't tell anyone. my brother in law looked confused when he noticed how upset i was and said that it was a "coincidence" the therapist happens to be one of his friend's brother. he's known my therapist for 5 years and that's how he knew since his friend said my name sounded familiar. i was shocked. everyone was looking at me and my aunt started talking about me "telling everyone" about the accident. i was so infuriated i found myself lashing out at my brother in law and he started talking about how i need to deal my anger issues disregarding that he told the entire family about my sessions. after arguing with him and listening to him blaming me for how i reacted. i ended up telling him to leave. my sister sided with him then they both left my aunt defended him and said that i shouldn't have yelled at him and hurt my sister's feelings. that he was just worried about me. i was so mad especially when they all started guilt tripping me and berating me for what i did. i sent my therapist an e--mail telling him what happened after i couldn't get a hold of him and mentioned that i will be reporting him and file a complaint against him for disclosing information without my consent. so far i haven't heard from him and what bothers me is that i'm not close with those people and hearing them gossip about me like that is not okay. my brother in law has always been like this but it never occured to me that he'd do this. the family said i ruined dinner for them and that i overreacted and was lashing out at everyone for no reason. i feel terrible. they said they gathered to comfort me and i caused a scene.	22,243	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kk90d7/aita_for_kicking_my_brother_in_law_out_and/	2020-12-26 00:25:07	nta your therapist definitely should be reported and hopefully lose their license. therapists should never be sharing their clients' names, much less going into detail about what the clients are sharing with them. the people who 'ruined' dinner are the people who 'decided to spend time with you' and then did not stop your bil from deciding to share what is going on with your therapy to the rest of your family. you rightfully wished that your privacy be valued, but he couldn't be bothered to show you that respect. the person who 'ruined' dinner was your bil, and everyone who sided with him.	nta - i’m sorry this happened to you. you’re not the ass at all. your therapist violated your confidentiality and that’s a very serious thing. report them and let them suffer the consequences. focus on your betterment and it doesn’t matter what others say. you didn’t ruin christmas. i really hope you’re able to find peace someday.	nta report the therapist and cut ties with your bil if that means sister goes to that's her fault for siding with bil.	nta - hipaa laws exist for a reason. your therapist is an idiot and your bil is a terrible person. how can you pry into someone's personal pain and then weaponize it in front of others. honestly i can't fathom your pain op - i hope you find a way to cope for this situation is totally unfair to you.	nta. report him and contact an attorney. you may not want to sue him but not only do you need the money back from the therapy that you paid for but he should be paying for the extra therapy you're now going to need because he has violated a ton of oaths.	nta. follow through on reporting him. i know your trust was betrayed but please find another therapist. don't let this despicable excuse for a therapist keep you from getting help. maybe a referral from your primary care doctor? what about your sister, she got you into therapy - did she choose the therapist? seems too coincidental to me.	as a mental health professional myself yeah, you're within your rights to report.i legally cannot confirm or deny if someone is my client without written consent from them, it breaks hippa. we're trained on this, the therapist should know better.it honestly makes me mad, because this is why people avoid therapy. i'm guessing after this you'll have some trrust issues about going at all. who wants to worry about their therapist gossiping about them with friends? it's messed up.	nta there are laws to avoid exactly this. report the therapist and said to bil that the therapist will lose the job because of him. you don't tell people what others said in a therapeutic season.	you are the only one in this story who's nta. therapists are legally bound to confidentiality. they're not supposed to go gossiping about the stuff their clients tell them. your bil has zero social skills if he thinks this is appropriate christmas dinner talk, even if you'd told him these things yourself. and the rest of your family should have been on your side. i'm sorry about everything.	nta but wow is tour therapist / bil ah. i’m really sorry you had to go through this. please try and find another therapist because the right one can work wonders and really help when you’re grieving.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: let me explain. even though i don't like to talk about it. i (male) 25 was involved in an auto accident (i was the one driving) and lost my dad who was with me at the time. i had untreated ptsd for nearly a year. i couldn't speak about it to anyone. my sister got me in therapy 2 months ago because she said that i needed it. this is our first holidays without dad and i wasn't intending on doing anything this year but the family decided to come and spend time with me. my aunt, my cousin and her kids, my sister and my brother in law, and my mom. my brother in law started bringing up the accident in detail exactly the way i'd describe it like he heard it from me, the number of sessions i've attended so far. brought up the name of my therapist and asked if he's the one i been seeing. then he started asking me how i'm doing/if my therapy sessions are benefiting me or not/and telling the exact time i got into therapy. and then casually said that i shouldn't tell people that i feel responsibility for what happened implying that i told my therapist that. i was taken aback i asked how he knew all that. my sister said she didn't tell him and i didn't tell anyone. my brother in law looked confused when he noticed how upset i was and said that it was a "coincidence" the therapist happens to be one of his friend's brother. he's known my therapist for 5 years and that's how he knew since his friend said my name sounded familiar. i was shocked. everyone was looking at me and my aunt started talking about me "telling everyone" about the accident. i was so infuriated i found myself lashing out at my brother in law and he started talking about how i need to deal my anger issues disregarding that he told the entire family about my sessions. after arguing with him and listening to him blaming me for how i reacted. i ended up telling him to leave. my sister sided with him then they both left my aunt defended him and said that i shouldn't have yelled at him and hurt my sister's feelings. that he was just worried about me. i was so mad especially when they all started guilt tripping me and berating me for what i did. i sent my therapist an e--mail telling him what happened after i couldn't get a hold of him and mentioned that i will be reporting him and file a complaint against him for disclosing information without my consent. so far i haven't heard from him and what bothers me is that i'm not close with those people and hearing them gossip about me like that is not okay. my brother in law has always been like this but it never occured to me that he'd do this. the family said i ruined dinner for them and that i overreacted and was lashing out at everyone for no reason. i feel terrible. they said they gathered to comfort me and i caused a scene.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> let me explain. even though i don't like to talk about it. i (male) 25 was involved in an auto accident (i was the one driving) and lost my dad who was with me at the time. i had untreated ptsd for nearly a year. i couldn't speak about it to anyone. my sister got me in therapy 2 months ago because she said that i needed it. this is our first holidays without dad and i wasn't intending on doing anything this year but the family decided to come and spend time with me. my aunt, my cousin and her kids, my sister and my brother in law, and my mom. my brother in law started bringing up the accident in detail exactly the way i'd describe it like he heard it from me, the number of sessions i've attended so far. brought up the name of my therapist and asked if he's the one i been seeing. then he started asking me how i'm doing/if my therapy sessions are benefiting me or not/and telling the exact time i got into therapy. and then casually said that i shouldn't tell people that i feel responsibility for what happened implying that i told my therapist that. i was taken aback i asked how he knew all that. my sister said she didn't tell him and i didn't tell anyone. my brother in law looked confused when he noticed how upset i was and said that it was a "coincidence" the therapist happens to be one of his friend's brother. he's known my therapist for 5 years and that's how he knew since his friend said my name sounded familiar. i was shocked. everyone was looking at me and my aunt started talking about me "telling everyone" about the accident. i was so infuriated i found myself lashing out at my brother in law and he started talking about how i need to deal my anger issues disregarding that he told the entire family about my sessions. after arguing with him and listening to him blaming me for how i reacted. i ended up telling him to leave. my sister sided with him then they both left my aunt defended him and said that i shouldn't have yelled at him and hurt my sister's feelings. that he was just worried about me. i was so mad especially when they all started guilt tripping me and berating me for what i did. i sent my therapist an e--mail telling him what happened after i couldn't get a hold of him and mentioned that i will be reporting him and file a complaint against him for disclosing information without my consent. so far i haven't heard from him and what bothers me is that i'm not close with those people and hearing them gossip about me like that is not okay. my brother in law has always been like this but it never occured to me that he'd do this. the family said i ruined dinner for them and that i overreacted and was lashing out at everyone for no reason. i feel terrible. they said they gathered to comfort me and i caused a scene. [/INST] nta your therapist definitely should be reported and hopefully lose their license. therapists should never be sharing their clients' names, much less going into detail about what the clients are sharing with them. the people who 'ruined' dinner are the people who 'decided to spend time with you' and then did not stop your bil from deciding to share what is going on with your therapy to the rest of your family. you rightfully wished that your privacy be valued, but he couldn't be bothered to show you that respect. the person who 'ruined' dinner was your bil, and everyone who sided with him. </s>
AITA for telling my daughter I didn’t marry her dad for love?	i have a seventeen year old daughter who has been kind of difficult lately. she is getting really into social issues and just doesn’t stop when i ask her to. we were having a conversation last night about relationships and i admitted that i didn’t love her father when i married him and i married him entirely for his money and she got very upset. i always assumed she kind of knew. we have a 25 year age difference, got married after less than a year of knowing each other and she’s heard stories from family about the crazy fights we used to have. she got really mad at me which i can’t figure out because she knows how much i love him right now. she just kept saying that was terrible and i set women back. she called me a prostitute which my husband overheard and began screaming and tried to ground her for two weeks, but i talked him out of that. right now she is still mad at me but not mad at him for blowing up on her. my husband says i shouldn’t have told her when i knew she was going through this phase.	4,599	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/izj3a9/aita_for_telling_my_daughter_i_didnt_marry_her/	2020-09-25 13:07:19	yta for giving your 17-year-old daughter some very complicated information that she couldn’t possibly begin to understand. just because she knows there’s a 25 year age difference between you and your husband, doesn’t mean she knows that you married him purely for money. honestly, i think you’re an asshole for doing that too, but it’s not why you came here. even if it’s true and even if subconsciously your daughter knew that, no kid would enjoy being told one of their parents didn’t love the other parent when they got married. not everything is for your kids to hear, no matter how old they are. you are an asshole. your husband is right. and your daughter has every reason to be upset with you.	yta. why would you think a 17 year old is prepared to hear something like this? you just dumped your skeletons on her like it was nothing, and then expect her to be okay? shame on you for being superficial in your marriage, and now for involving your child. parents should not ever include their children in conversations about their marital affairs. it's a great way to ruin a kid's perception of their parents, or family in general.	yta. >she got really mad at me which i can’t figure out because she knows how much i love him right now. you certainly didn't indicate that with your word choice. >she is getting really into social issues and just doesn’t stop when i ask her to. why do you ask her to?	yta also this line >she is getting really into social issues and just doesn’t stop when i ask her to. is the icing on this very fucked up cake.	(edit) nta. redacted due to new information edit. my bad. apparently op has a comment now saying the guy knew beforehand that she was with him for the money and all that. my bad op and my bad to you commenters. i was just informed by a commenter of my comments below. i will be changing with from yta to nta.	nta. i think there’s such a double standard in society surrounding this. it’s not okay for women to marry men for money, but it’s okay for older men to marry young women because they’re young and attractive? as long as both parties understand and have an agreement on the relationship and expectations, there’s nothing wrong and it’s not anybody else’s business. maybe you shouldn’t have told your daughter at that moment, but you are two consenting adults and don’t owe anyone anything regarding your relationship	yta i don't understand why you thought telling her was a good idea ... did you expect her to be happy for you?!	i welcome the deluge of downvotes. people need to get off this lady's back about her marriage. there is nothing wrong with getting married for practical reasons, as long as they've been good partners to each other. if that arrangement works for them, great. most of us have been raised on so much disney that we can't tell the difference between love and hormones. then we get divorced when the feelings vanish. that said...unfortunately...yta. it sounds like she's too young to understand your situation and you put it somewhat indelicately.	nta but you definitely could have thought about what you wanted to say (or not say) before you dropped a bombshell on her.	these replies man.... your marriage is valid. you all are assuming op’s husband wasn’t aware why op married him. i don’t think anyone is the asshole here maybe you are mildy because i do think it was a stupid idea to tell your daughter this info. she’s clearly not ready for it neither is it anything she should know tbh. nah	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	NTA	NTA	YTA	YTA	NTA	INFO	0.441	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i have a seventeen year old daughter who has been kind of difficult lately. she is getting really into social issues and just doesn’t stop when i ask her to. we were having a conversation last night about relationships and i admitted that i didn’t love her father when i married him and i married him entirely for his money and she got very upset. i always assumed she kind of knew. we have a 25 year age difference, got married after less than a year of knowing each other and she’s heard stories from family about the crazy fights we used to have. she got really mad at me which i can’t figure out because she knows how much i love him right now. she just kept saying that was terrible and i set women back. she called me a prostitute which my husband overheard and began screaming and tried to ground her for two weeks, but i talked him out of that. right now she is still mad at me but not mad at him for blowing up on her. my husband says i shouldn’t have told her when i knew she was going through this phase.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i have a seventeen year old daughter who has been kind of difficult lately. she is getting really into social issues and just doesn’t stop when i ask her to. we were having a conversation last night about relationships and i admitted that i didn’t love her father when i married him and i married him entirely for his money and she got very upset. i always assumed she kind of knew. we have a 25 year age difference, got married after less than a year of knowing each other and she’s heard stories from family about the crazy fights we used to have. she got really mad at me which i can’t figure out because she knows how much i love him right now. she just kept saying that was terrible and i set women back. she called me a prostitute which my husband overheard and began screaming and tried to ground her for two weeks, but i talked him out of that. right now she is still mad at me but not mad at him for blowing up on her. my husband says i shouldn’t have told her when i knew she was going through this phase. [/INST] yta for giving your 17-year-old daughter some very complicated information that she couldn’t possibly begin to understand. just because she knows there’s a 25 year age difference between you and your husband, doesn’t mean she knows that you married him purely for money. honestly, i think you’re an asshole for doing that too, but it’s not why you came here. even if it’s true and even if subconsciously your daughter knew that, no kid would enjoy being told one of their parents didn’t love the other parent when they got married. not everything is for your kids to hear, no matter how old they are. you are an asshole. your husband is right. and your daughter has every reason to be upset with you. </s>
AITA for secretly feeding my sister vegetables?	my sister is 16 and heavily overweight. she's 5'2 or 5'3 but 170+lbs. she's already pre-diabetic and if she doesn't lose weight pronto she'll have to go on metformin. diabetes runs in our family (my mom and grandma both have it) and as it is she already has really low energy levels and clumps of her hair is falling out!! i'm really worried about her and have tried to introduce her to various forms of "fun" exercises (like swimming, those weird indoor cycling classes with the edm and the lights and shit, 30-minute walks, wall climbing) but she absolutely hated it all. the other thing is, she doesn't eat any fruits or vegetables, except maybe potatoes, and bananas when they're in "acceptable" forms like in chocolate-banana smoothies or in banana bread. as a last-ditch attempt, a couple of days ago i decided to just take over the family menu and feed her dishes that secretly have vegetables in them. for breakfast i made green smoothies but add lots of (sugar-free) matcha to explain the "green" color and mask the flavors of the fruits and veggies. i make "cheese" sauces out of pumpkin and carrots and flavor them with nutritional yeast. i mix crushed cauliflower into fried rice, etc etc. i have to lie about them because even if it tastes good, if she knows there are fruits or veggies she doesn't like in the dish, she'll immediately stop eating it. it was going well until our mom found out the dishes secretly had vegetables in it. she started this whole argument about how it was "unethical" to lie to my sister about what we were feeding her and it escalated into a yelling match where i told my mom she clearly wasn't worried enough about my sister's health and that she knew nothing about nutrition. (she thinks apple pie is healthy???) my mom has banned me from preparing the meals and is guilt-tripping me for lying, but i really think i was making an honest effort to help? i feel bad for yelling at my mom but i dunno, was i really such an asshole for lying about the vegetables? **	26,234	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/duadu9/aita_for_secretly_feeding_my_sister_vegetables/	2019-11-10 11:33:05	nta. you were trying to save your sister's life/health, and your mom should not have yelled at you. frankly, your mother's refusal to enforce a healthy diet on your sister verges on child abuse/neglect. i can't pretend to understand her motives, but her behavior is incredibly irresponsible.	nta \- can you cook for me lol? but for real i mean you are the cook, your sister doesn't have to eat it if she doesn't like it not like your forcing it down her throat... but obviously your good enough of a cook to make veggies taste good so i don't see why your mom has a problem with it. i don't understand your sisters logic though, if something tastes really good yet has veggies in it will she just not eat it out of pure spite of veggies? idk ur mom sounds like an ultra boomer haha.	nta. if she was vegan and you were sneaking meat into her food, that would be a different matter but getting a few veggies down her isn't a problem. it sounds like she has the eating habits of a toddler so treating her a such sounds reasonable to me.	esh. she’s 16 not five; you’re trying to help but she needs a long term sustainable solution. which is probably a nutritionist to scare the hell out of her. your mum shouldn’t be yelling at you for good intentions. your sister is troubled.	>she already has really low energy levels and clumps of her hair is falling out!! i had the same symptoms which turned out to be caused by my thyroid becoming underactive as a side effect of some meds i was on. if she hasn't already, it might be a good idea for her to get her thyroid function checked.	nta. diabetes isn’t the only thing she has to worry about: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.smh.com.au/lifestyle/health-and-wellness/picky-teen-goes-blind-after-diet-of-only-fries-and-chips-study-says-20190904-p52noe.html	nta you seem to be the only person in her life actually trying to help her.	hey i don’t have a judgment but i suggest getting your sisters real weight. i’m 5’3” and 175lbs and my doctors don’t even say anything about my weight anymore. maybe it’s because i’m active and a cosmetologist so i’m moving all the time, but if these issues are happening to her at 170-180lbs there might be deeper issues than what she eats. i personally have pcos and at one time was 270lbs. i lost weight because i found out i have celiacs and cut out all breads and fast food. even with eating no bread or desserts for two years i cannot get below 170/180 without a regular work out routine.	this is not at all related to my ethical dilemma lol but i am getting a lot of pms asking me for my recipes and i am all for encouraging healthy eating haha. i don't really follow recipes, i just adapt recipes i find online and change stuff along the way so this is the best i can explain: pumpkin-carrot cheese sauce: i adapted this recipe from the vegan mac & cheese recipe of chocolate covered katie (literally the first link that pops up on google search when you google "vegan mac & cheese"). but instead of purely using pumpkin puree i used 1/2 pumpkin puree and 1/2 carrot puree (pumpkin is kinda starchy i think so i wanted to add something more nutritious). then instead of cashews i used silken tofu (i read that cashews are high-calorie and pretty fatty even if it's the good kind of fat), the texture came out creamy and you can't really taste the tofu once you add the nutritional yeast (aka vegan cheese) so be liberal with the yeast for that cheese flavor green smoothies: honestly the best way to fill yourself with greens without actually tasting the greens. do not use watery fruits like apples/watermelons/pears—have tried adding these before and just makes it taste disgusting. bananas/avocados are a great creamy base and then you can add fruits that match it like bananas+strawberry or avocado+peaches and blend them with a non-dairy milk (i use oat milk) then add a handful of leafy greens (i usually use spinach and romaine lettuce.) if you like matcha then mango+bananas+coconut milk (full cream) and spinach is the best combo, then you can add as much matcha powder as you like. if you don't like non-dairy milk then whey powder is also a good option, i personally use a berry flavored whey powder and mix it with a frozen banana, oat milk, and spinach! cauliflower fried rice: you can get any ole' fried rice recipe and just switch out the rice for 1/2 rice and 1/2 crushed cauliflower. crushing the cauliflower in a food processor is the easiest way but you can do it by hand, it's just time-consuming. you can also replace the rice entirely with cauliflower if you like. saute the cauliflower (and rice if you're still adding it) with some garlic and white onions, then add 1 meat (shrimp, chicken strips, beef cubes, etc) and some vegetables of your choice (brocolli, cauliflower, diced carrots, etc). when i made this for my sister i just used shrimp lol. &#x200b; please live healthy lives!!! diabetes is awful!!	esh. you have good intentions, but i don’t think dishonesty and food tampering is the way to help someone. food issues can be like drug addictions. you can’t coerce, trick, beg, shame, or educate someone into getting help or changing their diet if they don’t want to. it has to come from a place of true self-motivation. i know it’s hard and it’s really, really frustrating when someone you love is hurting themselves and won’t listen to advise, but sneaking vegetables into her meal is not going to make her magically want to change. it will just cause distrust and resentment.	NTA	NTA	NTA	ESH	null	NTA	NTA	null	null	ESH	0.124463	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my sister is 16 and heavily overweight. she's 5'2 or 5'3 but 170+lbs. she's already pre-diabetic and if she doesn't lose weight pronto she'll have to go on metformin. diabetes runs in our family (my mom and grandma both have it) and as it is she already has really low energy levels and clumps of her hair is falling out!! i'm really worried about her and have tried to introduce her to various forms of "fun" exercises (like swimming, those weird indoor cycling classes with the edm and the lights and shit, 30-minute walks, wall climbing) but she absolutely hated it all. the other thing is, she doesn't eat any fruits or vegetables, except maybe potatoes, and bananas when they're in "acceptable" forms like in chocolate-banana smoothies or in banana bread. as a last-ditch attempt, a couple of days ago i decided to just take over the family menu and feed her dishes that secretly have vegetables in them. for breakfast i made green smoothies but add lots of (sugar-free) matcha to explain the "green" color and mask the flavors of the fruits and veggies. i make "cheese" sauces out of pumpkin and carrots and flavor them with nutritional yeast. i mix crushed cauliflower into fried rice, etc etc. i have to lie about them because even if it tastes good, if she knows there are fruits or veggies she doesn't like in the dish, she'll immediately stop eating it. it was going well until our mom found out the dishes secretly had vegetables in it. she started this whole argument about how it was "unethical" to lie to my sister about what we were feeding her and it escalated into a yelling match where i told my mom she clearly wasn't worried enough about my sister's health and that she knew nothing about nutrition. (she thinks apple pie is healthy???) my mom has banned me from preparing the meals and is guilt-tripping me for lying, but i really think i was making an honest effort to help? i feel bad for yelling at my mom but i dunno, was i really such an asshole for lying about the vegetables? **	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my sister is 16 and heavily overweight. she's 5'2 or 5'3 but 170+lbs. she's already pre-diabetic and if she doesn't lose weight pronto she'll have to go on metformin. diabetes runs in our family (my mom and grandma both have it) and as it is she already has really low energy levels and clumps of her hair is falling out!! i'm really worried about her and have tried to introduce her to various forms of "fun" exercises (like swimming, those weird indoor cycling classes with the edm and the lights and shit, 30-minute walks, wall climbing) but she absolutely hated it all. the other thing is, she doesn't eat any fruits or vegetables, except maybe potatoes, and bananas when they're in "acceptable" forms like in chocolate-banana smoothies or in banana bread. as a last-ditch attempt, a couple of days ago i decided to just take over the family menu and feed her dishes that secretly have vegetables in them. for breakfast i made green smoothies but add lots of (sugar-free) matcha to explain the "green" color and mask the flavors of the fruits and veggies. i make "cheese" sauces out of pumpkin and carrots and flavor them with nutritional yeast. i mix crushed cauliflower into fried rice, etc etc. i have to lie about them because even if it tastes good, if she knows there are fruits or veggies she doesn't like in the dish, she'll immediately stop eating it. it was going well until our mom found out the dishes secretly had vegetables in it. she started this whole argument about how it was "unethical" to lie to my sister about what we were feeding her and it escalated into a yelling match where i told my mom she clearly wasn't worried enough about my sister's health and that she knew nothing about nutrition. (she thinks apple pie is healthy???) my mom has banned me from preparing the meals and is guilt-tripping me for lying, but i really think i was making an honest effort to help? i feel bad for yelling at my mom but i dunno, was i really such an asshole for lying about the vegetables? ** [/INST] nta. you were trying to save your sister's life/health, and your mom should not have yelled at you. frankly, your mother's refusal to enforce a healthy diet on your sister verges on child abuse/neglect. i can't pretend to understand her motives, but her behavior is incredibly irresponsible. </s>
AITA for posting a video of the mayor of my town driving like an idiot to YouTube?	i have a dashcam and sometimes i upload videos of dumb shit i see to youtube. anyway, i was driving home from work a few days ago and saw a really expensive audi cut across three lanes in one move, and cut into the exit lane i was in, barely squeezing in between me and the start of the barrier. i slammed the brakes, and there wasn't any accident but it shook me up. it was the closest call i've ever had. the driver pulled off into a gas station and i pulled over by the side of the road so i could turn my dashcam and get a clear video of the driver's face as he pumped gas, so i could confirm his identity. i had been wanting to make a report for reckless driving because the guy had almost caused a really bad accident. i had never reported something before, but this was probably the scariest close call i'd ever had and i thought it would be a good idea to. i reported it to the police non emergency line, and they said they'd get back to me but i didn't hear anything yet. i also put the video on youtube titled "crazy audi driver in hometownname" anyway, a few days later, someone commented on the video saying that was the mayor. i didn't believe it at first but then i looked up pictures of him, and was certian. it was definitely the same guy, he'd even been photographed by a local reporter near his audi. i edited the video title and description and said that it was the mayor of the town! and i guess because it's such a small town and the video got shared around, it's one of the earlier results if you look this guy up. it's apparently gotten shared in some facebook groups like a local mother's group, and a community group, and the guy is getting a lot of shit for it. i didn't see the reposts myself, i'm not on facebook. but i got a call from one. of the mayor's employees asking me to take the video down. i said i'd like to talk to the guy, like i wanted to just have a chat with the person who nearly killled me, and then wouldn't even call me himself to apologise? and she got really defensive but also formal like "i'm afraid that isn't possible at the moment" anyway, some of my coworkers think it was kinda shitty of me to follow the guy, film him, and put his name on the internet. and i guess i get that; but i also feel like as a public figure and a representative this guy should be held to a higher standard. aita for leaving the video of the mayor driving like an idiot up on youtube?	18,204	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gz2a70/aita_for_posting_a_video_of_the_mayor_of_my_town/	2020-06-08 16:14:15	nta. he’s a government official and should have more respect for the laws. also, when you’re in that field, you know your life will be in the spotlight. he could’ve spoken to you but chose to be a coward so next time he shouldn’t drive like a jerk	> but i got a call from one. of the mayor's employees asking me to take the video down. i said i'd like to talk to the guy, like i wanted to just have a chat with the person who nearly killled me, and then wouldn't even call me himself to apologise? and she got really defensive but also formal like "i'm afraid that isn't possible at the moment" just because he's an "important" person doesn't mean he is unable to talk to you. decide what your bottom line is here and stick to it.	nta, serves him right. he’s not above the law	>and she got really defensive but also formal like "i'm afraid that isn't possible at the moment" "so, can you take the video down?" 'i'm afraid that isn't possible at the moment' nta.	nta. in this environment in which there are cameras everywhere sooner or later your bad behavior will get called out. his time has come. what is it about audi drivers anyway?	nta. i bet when you reported it, it got squashed by the police.	nta. hit up your local news station and see if they're interested in buying the video.	because he's a public servant, he's held up to higher standards, he also doesnt have the same expectation of privacy. everyone has bad days, or even days when for one reason or another they were distracted when they shouldn't be. if he had called you himself, apologized, and had been compassionate i might feel different. leave it up, he's shown you more than once what kind of person he is. i think his community needs to see it too. nta	nta. as a public figure, he should know better and try to drive like a decent human being. he could injure or kill someone.	nta. in my experience, calling the police for reckless driving is totally pointless. i had a guy run me off the road, slow down to try and keep me there, then brandished a pistol at me for whatever reason he saw fit. this was because he tried to change lanes and almost clipped my front bumper. to this day i still don’t know what i did wrong but he was big time mad. i called the cops and they literally said “what do you want us to do? chase him down?” ah yes, that’s why i called. he’s pointing a gun at me after driving like an absolute clown. no idea how you actually get these ass hat drivers to face the consequences of their actions without having video proof. so yeah, nta and leave that shit up.	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i have a dashcam and sometimes i upload videos of dumb shit i see to youtube. anyway, i was driving home from work a few days ago and saw a really expensive audi cut across three lanes in one move, and cut into the exit lane i was in, barely squeezing in between me and the start of the barrier. i slammed the brakes, and there wasn't any accident but it shook me up. it was the closest call i've ever had. the driver pulled off into a gas station and i pulled over by the side of the road so i could turn my dashcam and get a clear video of the driver's face as he pumped gas, so i could confirm his identity. i had been wanting to make a report for reckless driving because the guy had almost caused a really bad accident. i had never reported something before, but this was probably the scariest close call i'd ever had and i thought it would be a good idea to. i reported it to the police non emergency line, and they said they'd get back to me but i didn't hear anything yet. i also put the video on youtube titled "crazy audi driver in hometownname" anyway, a few days later, someone commented on the video saying that was the mayor. i didn't believe it at first but then i looked up pictures of him, and was certian. it was definitely the same guy, he'd even been photographed by a local reporter near his audi. i edited the video title and description and said that it was the mayor of the town! and i guess because it's such a small town and the video got shared around, it's one of the earlier results if you look this guy up. it's apparently gotten shared in some facebook groups like a local mother's group, and a community group, and the guy is getting a lot of shit for it. i didn't see the reposts myself, i'm not on facebook. but i got a call from one. of the mayor's employees asking me to take the video down. i said i'd like to talk to the guy, like i wanted to just have a chat with the person who nearly killled me, and then wouldn't even call me himself to apologise? and she got really defensive but also formal like "i'm afraid that isn't possible at the moment" anyway, some of my coworkers think it was kinda shitty of me to follow the guy, film him, and put his name on the internet. and i guess i get that; but i also feel like as a public figure and a representative this guy should be held to a higher standard. aita for leaving the video of the mayor driving like an idiot up on youtube?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i have a dashcam and sometimes i upload videos of dumb shit i see to youtube. anyway, i was driving home from work a few days ago and saw a really expensive audi cut across three lanes in one move, and cut into the exit lane i was in, barely squeezing in between me and the start of the barrier. i slammed the brakes, and there wasn't any accident but it shook me up. it was the closest call i've ever had. the driver pulled off into a gas station and i pulled over by the side of the road so i could turn my dashcam and get a clear video of the driver's face as he pumped gas, so i could confirm his identity. i had been wanting to make a report for reckless driving because the guy had almost caused a really bad accident. i had never reported something before, but this was probably the scariest close call i'd ever had and i thought it would be a good idea to. i reported it to the police non emergency line, and they said they'd get back to me but i didn't hear anything yet. i also put the video on youtube titled "crazy audi driver in hometownname" anyway, a few days later, someone commented on the video saying that was the mayor. i didn't believe it at first but then i looked up pictures of him, and was certian. it was definitely the same guy, he'd even been photographed by a local reporter near his audi. i edited the video title and description and said that it was the mayor of the town! and i guess because it's such a small town and the video got shared around, it's one of the earlier results if you look this guy up. it's apparently gotten shared in some facebook groups like a local mother's group, and a community group, and the guy is getting a lot of shit for it. i didn't see the reposts myself, i'm not on facebook. but i got a call from one. of the mayor's employees asking me to take the video down. i said i'd like to talk to the guy, like i wanted to just have a chat with the person who nearly killled me, and then wouldn't even call me himself to apologise? and she got really defensive but also formal like "i'm afraid that isn't possible at the moment" anyway, some of my coworkers think it was kinda shitty of me to follow the guy, film him, and put his name on the internet. and i guess i get that; but i also feel like as a public figure and a representative this guy should be held to a higher standard. aita for leaving the video of the mayor driving like an idiot up on youtube? [/INST] nta. he’s a government official and should have more respect for the laws. also, when you’re in that field, you know your life will be in the spotlight. he could’ve spoken to you but chose to be a coward so next time he shouldn’t drive like a jerk </s>
Aita for telling my daughter that she can't have kids while she still lives in my house	i know it sounds bad but here's the story. i (62f) live with my husband (65m) who i my kids stepfather. i had 3 kids with my first husband who passed away a few years ago, they are all relatively successful. 2 of them have moved out but one still lives with me, which i don't mind, but i think it's time that they be on their own as the others are. oldest kid: 30 male. moved out years ago, lives with his wife and the recently had their first baby. middle kid: 27 female. married for 2 years, her and her husband live with me while they save up for a place. youngest: 22 female. lives in a college dorm in another city. ever since my son and dil had their baby, my oldest daughter has been baby crazy and has been constantly talking about how she can't wait to be a mom. i love my daughter but i don't want a baby in the house. i stopped at 3 for a reason. i don't want her to live here forever, i want her and her husband to have their own lives, while my husband and i to have our own lives by ourselves. a couple nights ago at dinner i sat her down and told her my reasoning and told her that if she wants a baby that badly then her and her husband need to start looking for their own place. she didn't take it too well and called me selfish and that i only think about myself. which right now is true, for 30 years i've put my kids first and now i want to put myself first. i hardly think i'm selfish for that. i tried to explain my reasoning and her husband said he understood but i know he was angry too. my husband is on my side and says i'm nta. for the past week my daughter and son in law have been ignoring me an only talks to me when its necessary. i told some friends about what happened and most understand where i'm coming from but a couple said that i am ta as it wouldn't matter because its not my baby so i wouldn't have any responsibility towards it. i don't know what to do, i don't want my daughter to hate me but i'm getting older and i would like for my kids to be independent while my husband and i can enjoy retirement together. aita?	20,167	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/eaq61q/aita_for_telling_my_daughter_that_she_cant_have/	2019-12-14 22:11:35	nta if they can't afford a home, they can't afford a child. only shitty people purposefully have children when their life isn't in order yet (being able to provide all basic needs for a themselves). if the child was a legit accident or they were in a good position, had a baby, and then some bad luck came around, it'd be a different story. shit happens and i'm not going to judge people as assholes for situations that are out of their control. but if she and her husband try for a baby right now, they suck.	nta she's almost 30, her husband presumably as well. they don't need to be imposing extra family members in your home. it's your home, and raising a child is not peaceful. it's crazy and disruptive.	nta. even if the baby wouldn't technically be your responsibility, it's still a huge lifestyle adjustment to have a baby in the house, and as the grandma you would probably end up helping out a lot. i hardly see how they can call you selfish as you're letting them live in your house!	nta. at all! you and your husband deserve time to yourselves and to live out your lives as you see fite. frankly, your daughter and her husband do need to get out sooner rather than later. they dont have any reason to be getting pregnant right now. they need to get out. and you do have the right to practice tough love and force them out.	hard nta - it’s time she moves out on her own and stops being coddled. that is so immature to act like this to your parents when you are almost 30 and living in their home still.	nta except maybe that you've let your middle kid mooch off of you for much too long. she's feeling entitled now. it's time for you to be the stern mother who kicks out the last lingering kid for their own good, as well as for yours.	nta. she’s almost thirty and is capable to find a place of her own and responsible enough. you have had three kids already! she should understand.	nta. it's your house, your rules. she can have a baby if she wants but she'll need to find a new place to live.	nta. you have given them a place to live and get finances together. don’t let them walk over you and have a kid. you’ve done so much hard work, nows the time to relax.	[deleted]	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i know it sounds bad but here's the story. i (62f) live with my husband (65m) who i my kids stepfather. i had 3 kids with my first husband who passed away a few years ago, they are all relatively successful. 2 of them have moved out but one still lives with me, which i don't mind, but i think it's time that they be on their own as the others are. oldest kid: 30 male. moved out years ago, lives with his wife and the recently had their first baby. middle kid: 27 female. married for 2 years, her and her husband live with me while they save up for a place. youngest: 22 female. lives in a college dorm in another city. ever since my son and dil had their baby, my oldest daughter has been baby crazy and has been constantly talking about how she can't wait to be a mom. i love my daughter but i don't want a baby in the house. i stopped at 3 for a reason. i don't want her to live here forever, i want her and her husband to have their own lives, while my husband and i to have our own lives by ourselves. a couple nights ago at dinner i sat her down and told her my reasoning and told her that if she wants a baby that badly then her and her husband need to start looking for their own place. she didn't take it too well and called me selfish and that i only think about myself. which right now is true, for 30 years i've put my kids first and now i want to put myself first. i hardly think i'm selfish for that. i tried to explain my reasoning and her husband said he understood but i know he was angry too. my husband is on my side and says i'm nta. for the past week my daughter and son in law have been ignoring me an only talks to me when its necessary. i told some friends about what happened and most understand where i'm coming from but a couple said that i am ta as it wouldn't matter because its not my baby so i wouldn't have any responsibility towards it. i don't know what to do, i don't want my daughter to hate me but i'm getting older and i would like for my kids to be independent while my husband and i can enjoy retirement together. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i know it sounds bad but here's the story. i (62f) live with my husband (65m) who i my kids stepfather. i had 3 kids with my first husband who passed away a few years ago, they are all relatively successful. 2 of them have moved out but one still lives with me, which i don't mind, but i think it's time that they be on their own as the others are. oldest kid: 30 male. moved out years ago, lives with his wife and the recently had their first baby. middle kid: 27 female. married for 2 years, her and her husband live with me while they save up for a place. youngest: 22 female. lives in a college dorm in another city. ever since my son and dil had their baby, my oldest daughter has been baby crazy and has been constantly talking about how she can't wait to be a mom. i love my daughter but i don't want a baby in the house. i stopped at 3 for a reason. i don't want her to live here forever, i want her and her husband to have their own lives, while my husband and i to have our own lives by ourselves. a couple nights ago at dinner i sat her down and told her my reasoning and told her that if she wants a baby that badly then her and her husband need to start looking for their own place. she didn't take it too well and called me selfish and that i only think about myself. which right now is true, for 30 years i've put my kids first and now i want to put myself first. i hardly think i'm selfish for that. i tried to explain my reasoning and her husband said he understood but i know he was angry too. my husband is on my side and says i'm nta. for the past week my daughter and son in law have been ignoring me an only talks to me when its necessary. i told some friends about what happened and most understand where i'm coming from but a couple said that i am ta as it wouldn't matter because its not my baby so i wouldn't have any responsibility towards it. i don't know what to do, i don't want my daughter to hate me but i'm getting older and i would like for my kids to be independent while my husband and i can enjoy retirement together. aita? [/INST] nta if they can't afford a home, they can't afford a child. only shitty people purposefully have children when their life isn't in order yet (being able to provide all basic needs for a themselves). if the child was a legit accident or they were in a good position, had a baby, and then some bad luck came around, it'd be a different story. shit happens and i'm not going to judge people as assholes for situations that are out of their control. but if she and her husband try for a baby right now, they suck. </s>
AITA for not letting my wife have mothers day after she "canceled" fathers day?	so, this is a little strange of a situation but hear me out. &#x200b; i've been married to my wife for almost 7 years now and we have 2 children, one 6 and the other 4. i love her but she is a bit strange sometimes. she is very heavy anti-corporation/government (you know the type. i will give her credit and say she's very moderate with these views though and not crazy). one of her big beliefs though is with holidays. she still celebrates holidays with the family (christmas, easter, etc) but likes to keep them minimalist and not embrace the "money" side of things. we're not monsters though, we still buy our kids stuff for christmas and for their birthdays but we've tried to make them know this is now what these days should be about and that generosity, not materials, should be what we thing about. last year in june my wife told me she doesn't want to celebrate fathers day. her reasoning was simple, she wanted our children to respect us everyday and not make one day a special occasion for celebrating fathers or mothers. i was a little hesitant but i agreed and we took the day to try to teach them that. well, now that mothers day is coming around she's changing her tune. all of the sudden she wants me and the kids to take her out for breakfast, buy her gifts, and do other things for her. i obviously told her no, that we didn't celebrate fathers day and this was her idea to begin with. all of the sudden she got super upset and is claiming i'm the asshole here. she's now saying we should celebrate both days and that it's unfair to her that we aren't celebrating mothers day. we fought about this last night and she's still mad about it. &#x200b; am i being unfair here?	19,985	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bkrxqk/aita_for_not_letting_my_wife_have_mothers_day/	2019-05-05 00:49:16	nta at best she skips mother’s day this year and you pick back up with father’s day this year. if she can’t agree to this chances are she tries and cancels father’s day after celebrating mother’s day this year. this is major red flag stuff if she can’t understand what an asshole she is on this.	nta. either agree to do them or not, but she’s being a brat now that it’s her turn.	nta. she can’t have her cake and eat it too...she canceled father’s day so fair is fair. she’s being a hypocrite.	nta - but just stop. celebrate the damned thing and make it clear that you get reciprocation next year. if she refuses, come back here and we'll revisit the situation. why be right when the reward is so unsatisfying?	nta - your stance is perfectly legit. however, if your wife realizes she's being a hypocrite and was wrong to take father's day away from you and she's apologizes, there's no reason not to celebrate both again this year. don't be petty.	nta. your wife is hypocrite. > well, now that mothers day is coming around she's changing her tune. all of the sudden she wants me and the kids to take her out for breakfast, buy her gifts, and do other things for her. sounds like she didn't want to do the same for you. and if you follow her whim, i bet you she'd going to end up "cancelling" father's day again when the time comes around.	nta, but i’d probably still do it. cause wooooo boy i’d start to make some ridiculous demands this year for father’s day. 7 pounds of bacon for breakfast in bed. 14 ounce bone in filet for dinner. have her and the children play a 92 square game of hopscotch for sport and your entertainment. one of those roomba lawnmowers an 8k tv have her refer to me as “saint thelegend5, the creator and completer of all my dreams” bake 7 of my favorite pies/deserts only for my consumption	nta. this reminds me of the year my wife asked me what i wanted for father's day and i told her "not to be hassled." she decided that was code for "invite all our extended family over for an all-day party" and i ended up spending the day before cleaning the house and the day of entertaining our guests.	esh - dude, why are so many people on this sub obsessed with negative reciprocity with their significant others. sometimes i come here and think i’m the only one with a semi-healthy relationship. in someone else’s words, just drop it. yeah it’s lame that she decided a month after mother’s day last year that she didn’t want to help your kids show you appreciation but that was 11 months ago. make it clear it was a little shitty, she owes you this year, then give her a kiss and move on.	nta, but what a strange way to operate. kids aren't harmed by celebrating holidays like normal people. what they are harmed by is petty rigid parents who argue about nonsense. keep it up and in 20 years, your kids will be celebrating mother's and father's day like normal people, with their in laws	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	ESH	NTA	0.010125	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so, this is a little strange of a situation but hear me out. &#x200b; i've been married to my wife for almost 7 years now and we have 2 children, one 6 and the other 4. i love her but she is a bit strange sometimes. she is very heavy anti-corporation/government (you know the type. i will give her credit and say she's very moderate with these views though and not crazy). one of her big beliefs though is with holidays. she still celebrates holidays with the family (christmas, easter, etc) but likes to keep them minimalist and not embrace the "money" side of things. we're not monsters though, we still buy our kids stuff for christmas and for their birthdays but we've tried to make them know this is now what these days should be about and that generosity, not materials, should be what we thing about. last year in june my wife told me she doesn't want to celebrate fathers day. her reasoning was simple, she wanted our children to respect us everyday and not make one day a special occasion for celebrating fathers or mothers. i was a little hesitant but i agreed and we took the day to try to teach them that. well, now that mothers day is coming around she's changing her tune. all of the sudden she wants me and the kids to take her out for breakfast, buy her gifts, and do other things for her. i obviously told her no, that we didn't celebrate fathers day and this was her idea to begin with. all of the sudden she got super upset and is claiming i'm the asshole here. she's now saying we should celebrate both days and that it's unfair to her that we aren't celebrating mothers day. we fought about this last night and she's still mad about it. &#x200b; am i being unfair here?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> so, this is a little strange of a situation but hear me out. &#x200b; i've been married to my wife for almost 7 years now and we have 2 children, one 6 and the other 4. i love her but she is a bit strange sometimes. she is very heavy anti-corporation/government (you know the type. i will give her credit and say she's very moderate with these views though and not crazy). one of her big beliefs though is with holidays. she still celebrates holidays with the family (christmas, easter, etc) but likes to keep them minimalist and not embrace the "money" side of things. we're not monsters though, we still buy our kids stuff for christmas and for their birthdays but we've tried to make them know this is now what these days should be about and that generosity, not materials, should be what we thing about. last year in june my wife told me she doesn't want to celebrate fathers day. her reasoning was simple, she wanted our children to respect us everyday and not make one day a special occasion for celebrating fathers or mothers. i was a little hesitant but i agreed and we took the day to try to teach them that. well, now that mothers day is coming around she's changing her tune. all of the sudden she wants me and the kids to take her out for breakfast, buy her gifts, and do other things for her. i obviously told her no, that we didn't celebrate fathers day and this was her idea to begin with. all of the sudden she got super upset and is claiming i'm the asshole here. she's now saying we should celebrate both days and that it's unfair to her that we aren't celebrating mothers day. we fought about this last night and she's still mad about it. &#x200b; am i being unfair here? [/INST] nta at best she skips mother’s day this year and you pick back up with father’s day this year. if she can’t agree to this chances are she tries and cancels father’s day after celebrating mother’s day this year. this is major red flag stuff if she can’t understand what an asshole she is on this. </s>
AITA for telling my mom she's the reason I don't want any kids?	i (23f) am the oldest of 4 siblings. my dad passed away when i was 14, leaving us and my mom. there's a bit of an age gap between me and my siblings. so when my dad passed my mom looked at me for babysitting duties. walking them to school, getting them ready in the morning, cooking for them, helping them with homework, getting them in bed at the right time, all that. if i had to guess i'd say i spend 4 hours a day minimum taking care of them, most days more. plus an hour or so on chores. now i love my siblings, and i love my mom. but from when i was 14 till i moved out at 19 i had no social life, no hobbies, barely any friends. all there was was taking care of them, chores, school, and from 16 to later work too. i'm on good terms with my mom, we meet for coffee about twice a month to catch up. i've been in a steady relationship for over 2.5 years, so whenever we meet my mom brings up marriage and kids. i've politely told her i don't want any of that yet, possibly ever, so she can stop asking. when she kept pushing (spread out over several visits after i told her to stop asking) i told her "giving up my youth to take care of someone else's kids because they couldn't ruined the idea of having kids myself for me." i didn't mean to be rude, but it's true. she cried. i told her i don't blame her, but that it still wasn't a good position to be put in as a teen. i didn't apologise. aita?	21,444	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dshdji/aita_for_telling_my_mom_shes_the_reason_i_dont/	2019-11-06 14:54:18	nta. that was the truth. you weren’t being mean, you were being honest.	nta, being a child carer is an abuse. your mother essentially made you a co-parent and she needs to face that. it’s a hard truth and she needs to give you space to not be a carer. if, in time, you decide you want marriage and kids, it should be on your terms not hers. she likely just wants you to be happy but can only see you being happy the way she was through marriage and kids.	nta. losing her husband must have been hard but you also lost a parent. you shouldn’t have had to step in as a provider, maybe just helping out. but you were a kid yourself. you could’ve said it nicer, but it’s how you feel.	nta don't give kids adult problems. your decision is the result of her (as desperate and non malicious as it was) decision to have you care for siblings at such a young age.	nah. your wording could have been a little bit better, but not really an asshole move just a measure of nuance. i had a similar childhood after my dad left us and my mom was forced to rejoin the workforce. we had a similar conversation when i left the house at 18 and my mom cried too. she explained later that she didn't cry because i had hurt her by what i'd said, but because she recognized the truth of it and felt sorry for having to rely on me so much when i was a teenager and because i didn't get to do a lot of the traditional teenager activities. i'm almost certain your mom is crying for the same reason. i wouldn't worry too much about it.	nta - you should never have been put in that position by your mum. i had to do something similar and it is the whole reason why i will never have kids.	nta i would have had more tact in how i say it, but if you don't want to have kids, then you don't want to have kids. \edit to add\ also, she kept needling and pushing you for an answer. you tried being nice about it, but she wasn't having that, so yeah, go ahead and let her know what's good.	nta. you obviously don't harbor resentment towards her or you wouldn't be meeting for coffee and maintaining a relationship, so i'm a bit confused by all the backlash people seem to be giving you for that. she kept asking/pushing/pressuring you for something that you respectfully declined to answer/discuss, and then when the real answer came she was shocked. i don't think you saying that was with the intention to hurt her, i think you saying that was with the intention to tell her the truth, and i'm willing to bet she won't ask again. if you lashed out at her about it, my judgment might be different, but it sounds like it was all conversational in nature. nta.	>whenever we meet my mom brings up marriage and kids. i've politely told her i don't want any of that yet, possibly ever, so she can stop asking. when she kept pushing (spread out over several visits after i told her to stop asking) nta this part is key, to me. you tried politely to get her to stop asking, not once but several times. it is a harsh lesson to learn, but if you really push a question, you had better be ready for the real answer.	this reddit thread is cut throat against your mom. also, people, the mods made it clear not to downvote comments just because you disagree with them. for my answer, i say esh. unless your mom was using you as a babysitter so she could gamble or do drugs, she was likely working to keep a roof over everyone's heads. (please correct me if i'm wrong). writing off your siblings as "someone else's kids" shows a pretty clear disconnect between you and your family. everyone here claiming abuse, wth could the mom have done differently? get a real nanny? do you think mom can support paying a nanny and supporting all her kids? seriously? the only other alternative would be losing the house and staying with other family or being homeless. mom is still out of line for pushing the prospect of kids on you, but most moms do so it's not exactly unique. most people just deal with it. also, it's common in tons of other cultures for the eldest child to help with child rearing (aka raising the younger children). so i have a hard time believing this is abuse.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NAH	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	ESH	0.01833	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (23f) am the oldest of 4 siblings. my dad passed away when i was 14, leaving us and my mom. there's a bit of an age gap between me and my siblings. so when my dad passed my mom looked at me for babysitting duties. walking them to school, getting them ready in the morning, cooking for them, helping them with homework, getting them in bed at the right time, all that. if i had to guess i'd say i spend 4 hours a day minimum taking care of them, most days more. plus an hour or so on chores. now i love my siblings, and i love my mom. but from when i was 14 till i moved out at 19 i had no social life, no hobbies, barely any friends. all there was was taking care of them, chores, school, and from 16 to later work too. i'm on good terms with my mom, we meet for coffee about twice a month to catch up. i've been in a steady relationship for over 2.5 years, so whenever we meet my mom brings up marriage and kids. i've politely told her i don't want any of that yet, possibly ever, so she can stop asking. when she kept pushing (spread out over several visits after i told her to stop asking) i told her "giving up my youth to take care of someone else's kids because they couldn't ruined the idea of having kids myself for me." i didn't mean to be rude, but it's true. she cried. i told her i don't blame her, but that it still wasn't a good position to be put in as a teen. i didn't apologise. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i (23f) am the oldest of 4 siblings. my dad passed away when i was 14, leaving us and my mom. there's a bit of an age gap between me and my siblings. so when my dad passed my mom looked at me for babysitting duties. walking them to school, getting them ready in the morning, cooking for them, helping them with homework, getting them in bed at the right time, all that. if i had to guess i'd say i spend 4 hours a day minimum taking care of them, most days more. plus an hour or so on chores. now i love my siblings, and i love my mom. but from when i was 14 till i moved out at 19 i had no social life, no hobbies, barely any friends. all there was was taking care of them, chores, school, and from 16 to later work too. i'm on good terms with my mom, we meet for coffee about twice a month to catch up. i've been in a steady relationship for over 2.5 years, so whenever we meet my mom brings up marriage and kids. i've politely told her i don't want any of that yet, possibly ever, so she can stop asking. when she kept pushing (spread out over several visits after i told her to stop asking) i told her "giving up my youth to take care of someone else's kids because they couldn't ruined the idea of having kids myself for me." i didn't mean to be rude, but it's true. she cried. i told her i don't blame her, but that it still wasn't a good position to be put in as a teen. i didn't apologise. aita? [/INST] nta. that was the truth. you weren’t being mean, you were being honest. </s>
AITA for walking out of my son’s therapy appointment after him and his therapist blamed me for his homophobia?	i came out as gay three years ago at 38 years old. it was the hardest thing i ever had to do, and i still can’t believe i had the strength to do so. i have faced backlash from my community, my friends, and my family, but i have learned to love myself and not blame myself anymore. before i was out i was married to a man. we had two kids together, but obviously divorced when i came out. two weeks ago , my son got expelled from his private school because him and his friends left disgusting notes in a gay kid’s locker. the notes said “fg” “ladyboy” “twnk” “aids” and other disgusting things. obviously, i was beyond hurt and disappointed at brian’s behavior. when i tried to talk to him, he said he “wouldn’t act this way if i wasn’t a fcking dke”. at this point, i realized his behavior was out of control decided to get him into a therapy appointment. we went to therapy yesterday, and brian said that the reason he lashed out was because i gave him negative associations with being gay because i hurt his father. i expected the therapist to shut that down instead of using the divorce as an excuse for homophobia (which is why i booked the appointment in the first place), but he never did that. he just made brian talk more about how my gayness hurt his life. i left the appointment. reddit, i am tired of being told that who i am justifies hate and homophobia in my loved ones. i already dealt with depression and alienation during that first year and i will not blame myself again. i love my son more than anything, but there is no “good reason” for homophobia and bullying. and i refuse to entertain a conversation that makes it seem like having a gay mom is a reasonable reason to be a homophobe. my ex texted me colorful words and told me that i’m not doing our son any favors, but i honestly don’t think it’s fair for me to have to sit there while his homophobia was being justified. aita here?	10,276	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/fmi0lp/aita_for_walking_out_of_my_sons_therapy/	2020-03-21 16:53:51	yta - part of therapy is first getting the subject to communicate what the underlying issues as they see them are. the therapist wasn't condoning what your son said or did, they were allowing them a safe space in which to open up and explore their underlying issues. by walking out you set the therapy back by making it clear that the space was not a safe one for your son to talk openly.	>we went to therapy yesterday, and brian said that the reason he lashed out was because i gave him negative associations with being gay because i hurt his father. this is how your son feels. that is what you're trying to change. >i expected the therapist to shut that down instead of using the divorce as an excuse for homophobia the therapist is not there to shut down on your son's feelings. he's there to get him to talk about his feelings. >which is why i booked the appointment in the first place yes, but you're not a therapist, or your son's therapist. let them work together. >but he never did that. he just made brian talk more about how my gayness hurt his life. of course he did! he's there to get your son to talk about his feelings! that's his job, and he's doing it. and you: >left the appointment. yta. he needs to be able to express his emotions. not feel like he has to shut them down. he has to be able to speak freely with his therapist. the therapist needs to gain your son's trust. he won't do that if he: >shut that down instead	yta. the therapist is trying to help your son work through his feelings, but you just had to make it about you. until you deal with the giant chip on your shoulder you will continue to hurt people around you, including your son.	yta therapists aren't there to change someone or fix them. especially not in 1 session, that's impossible. a therapist is meant to understand a person and there ideals and help them reach for a healthier mindset. your sons therapist was trying to understand where his pain came from and because your ego got in the way he missed that opportunity. you proved that you being gay was more important than your sons mental health.	yta - if you expected the therapist to come down on your son for acting out, or to wave the magic therapy wand and make your son suddenly understanding and filled with cotton candy and puppies, you are the problem. the therapist wasn’t there for you. the therapist was there for your son. you shouldn’t have even been in the room and i’m surprised the therapist let you attend a session for your son. the therapist was getting data. the therapist cannot help if they don’t have data. getting your son to talk in a judgment-free zone, seeing what he said about his pain, was the therapist establishing trust and getting that data. i understand you’ve been through a lot but you are not the only one hurting. your ex was hurt, your children were hurt. it’s a shitty situation all the way around but expecting them to just be okay with their entire world crumbling around them is short-sighted at best and narcissistic delusions at worst. you fucked this up. big time. you’re the asshole.	yta because it is not about homophobia. it is about being a kid whose family got destroyed. you still have to take responsibility for that. being gay is besides the point here	yes yta that is how therapy works. the first step is getting him to say in your own words “your gayness hurts his life” and the second step is making him realize that in fact the things he list are not truely hurting his life. you make them list why they “need something” in this case homophobic behavior then explain and show why they don’t need it, you can’t fix damaged and repressed emotions without exposing them. therapy in general isn’t pleasant, isn’t nice, doesn’t care about how you feel and in the end will only work if your son wants to change.	info: did the therapist blame you or just not address the statement?	yta. the therapist is right. >he just made brian talk more about how my gayness hurt his life. you made the decision to end your marriage and break up your family. it doesn't matter the reason for the end of your marriage. even if you just fell out of love, your son would still find a reason to blame you. it's not that he's homophobic, it's that he's hurt at the end of the family he's known. >i expected the therapist to shut that down therapists aren't supposed to shush their patients, they let them talk through their thoughts. you want your son to automatically be okay and accept your life choices, which isn't going to happen. your actions affect his life, stop being so selfish and thinking your choices are made in a vacuum. he needs time to get used to this new life with divorced parents.	yta. look you had every right to come out and to live happlily. but that doesn't negate your kid being hurt by the major disruption in his life. is he responding well to that hurt? no, absolutely not. but that's why he's in therapy - not to shut down those conversations, but to have constructive conversations where he can voice problematic thoughts and feelings and work through them. therapy isn't going to magically fix your kid without some hard work and potentially difficult discussions.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	INFO	YTA	YTA	0.003	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i came out as gay three years ago at 38 years old. it was the hardest thing i ever had to do, and i still can’t believe i had the strength to do so. i have faced backlash from my community, my friends, and my family, but i have learned to love myself and not blame myself anymore. before i was out i was married to a man. we had two kids together, but obviously divorced when i came out. two weeks ago , my son got expelled from his private school because him and his friends left disgusting notes in a gay kid’s locker. the notes said “fg” “ladyboy” “twnk” “aids” and other disgusting things. obviously, i was beyond hurt and disappointed at brian’s behavior. when i tried to talk to him, he said he “wouldn’t act this way if i wasn’t a fcking dke”. at this point, i realized his behavior was out of control decided to get him into a therapy appointment. we went to therapy yesterday, and brian said that the reason he lashed out was because i gave him negative associations with being gay because i hurt his father. i expected the therapist to shut that down instead of using the divorce as an excuse for homophobia (which is why i booked the appointment in the first place), but he never did that. he just made brian talk more about how my gayness hurt his life. i left the appointment. reddit, i am tired of being told that who i am justifies hate and homophobia in my loved ones. i already dealt with depression and alienation during that first year and i will not blame myself again. i love my son more than anything, but there is no “good reason” for homophobia and bullying. and i refuse to entertain a conversation that makes it seem like having a gay mom is a reasonable reason to be a homophobe. my ex texted me colorful words and told me that i’m not doing our son any favors, but i honestly don’t think it’s fair for me to have to sit there while his homophobia was being justified. aita here?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i came out as gay three years ago at 38 years old. it was the hardest thing i ever had to do, and i still can’t believe i had the strength to do so. i have faced backlash from my community, my friends, and my family, but i have learned to love myself and not blame myself anymore. before i was out i was married to a man. we had two kids together, but obviously divorced when i came out. two weeks ago , my son got expelled from his private school because him and his friends left disgusting notes in a gay kid’s locker. the notes said “fg” “ladyboy” “twnk” “aids” and other disgusting things. obviously, i was beyond hurt and disappointed at brian’s behavior. when i tried to talk to him, he said he “wouldn’t act this way if i wasn’t a fcking dke”. at this point, i realized his behavior was out of control decided to get him into a therapy appointment. we went to therapy yesterday, and brian said that the reason he lashed out was because i gave him negative associations with being gay because i hurt his father. i expected the therapist to shut that down instead of using the divorce as an excuse for homophobia (which is why i booked the appointment in the first place), but he never did that. he just made brian talk more about how my gayness hurt his life. i left the appointment. reddit, i am tired of being told that who i am justifies hate and homophobia in my loved ones. i already dealt with depression and alienation during that first year and i will not blame myself again. i love my son more than anything, but there is no “good reason” for homophobia and bullying. and i refuse to entertain a conversation that makes it seem like having a gay mom is a reasonable reason to be a homophobe. my ex texted me colorful words and told me that i’m not doing our son any favors, but i honestly don’t think it’s fair for me to have to sit there while his homophobia was being justified. aita here? [/INST] yta - part of therapy is first getting the subject to communicate what the underlying issues as they see them are. the therapist wasn't condoning what your son said or did, they were allowing them a safe space in which to open up and explore their underlying issues. by walking out you set the therapy back by making it clear that the space was not a safe one for your son to talk openly. </s>
AITA for refusing to return a tip AND telling a couple that I dont have time to play mediator?	i'm a 22 year old, female waitress at texas roadhouse. this is one of my two jobs to put myself through college. most days are fine but other days are a living hell. yesterday i was assigned a table that had a husband, wife and what appeared to be a teenage daughter (maybe 17). everything was going smooth at first and the wife ordered a margarita. the husband then tried ordering a beer. the wife instantly lost her noodles and said "uh, no. he will not have a beer. he will have a water." she then turned to him and said something along the lines of him not needing to drink because he was driving. he said no, the daughter could drive. it was childish. anyways, he keeps telling me he wants a beer. she keeps telling me no. in this industry, situations like this are a lose/lose for waitresses. if i get him the beer, wife wont tip. if i dont get him the beer, he wont tip. damned if i do, damned if i dont. so while they were arguing at me, i said "listen, i really dont have time to play mediator here." they went silent. i went and got both of them their alcohol. daughter gives me an apologetic look upon my return, presumably because her mother was acting bat shit crazy upon seeing me bring a beer in tow. flash forward to after their meals. husband has had 2 beers at this point. wife has stopped drinking and glares at me everytime i return. wife and daughter go to the car while husband pays. husband drops me a $40 tip on a $68 tab. i told him i couldnt accept it. he insisted. eventually i pocketed it. wife comes in an hour or so later demanding that i give her the $40 her husband gave me, stating that i was a terrible host and went against her and i dknt deserve a tip. she got my manager involved who said "she is not obligated to give you her tip. you left the restaurant and the tip has already been processed. have a nice night." she was fuming, screaming at me about how much of an ah i was for supplying her husband alcohol after she said no. other guests started chiming in saying that she was being ignorant and that i was doing my job, which is to provide guests with what they want and said that it wasnt my fault that she was a controlling wife. she storms out. given the fact that i was put on the spot like that, i feel insanely guilty. aita?	27,055	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/j1d4gn/aita_for_refusing_to_return_a_tip_and_telling_a/	2020-09-28 14:35:29	nta imo, manager has your back (which is good!) and the other customers as well. really she’s pissed at her husband not you.	nta nta nta! glad your manager backed you up.	[deleted]	you. did. perfect! fuck that lady. you're not responsible for her insane control issues or their terrible marriage. the mom is the asshole for sure. who comes back in demanding a refund on a tip they didn't give, the audacity. i'm glad your manager was cool about it too. spend that 40 frivolously on yourself, you absolutely deserve it.	absolutely nta. he gave you that tip, not her. he was probably glad you stood up to her because he can't. she seemed controlling and confrontational off the bat. my mum is like this, if anything doesn't go the way she wants it, she loses it with everyone around her. i'm 29, i can't even order a steak in front of her without her telling me it's wrong and changing my order like i'm a child. if i change it back, she throws a tantrum. btw, she does it wrong. she likes shit past well done. gross. not super relevant but another example of how controlling she is: i went on vacay with them, i didn't have much money, i just needed a break from reality for a while. covered my costs and food etc but didn't really have much for fancy day trips and more expensive meals. we came across a boat trip that was like €30 each, between me and my bf, that was €60 and majority of our spending money for the week. we declined, mother got huffy as fuck, throwing a tantrum about how we don't do anything with her but wouldn't pay for us. so it was a tantrum for tantrums sake. dad took us off to get an ice cream and slipped us the cash, told us to act like we did a recount and could afford it. did the trip, it was crap and definitely not worth it. a few days later my parents are arguing about how my dad is so careless and disgusting. asked what was up and she started screaming how my dad has lost €50 and he's reckless. they kept at it for a while until i shouted at her and told her the truth. she drmanded i paid them back when we got home then refused to speak to any of us for the entire day, just because he gave money to his own daughter without ok'ing it first..	how could you possibly be an asshole in this situation. did you just need a venue to vent this all happened? who in the history of ever would be guilty that a petulant customer came back to harass you and demand money back that her husband freely gave you? i get you are 22, but if you are a server surely you must realize people are horrible monsters and we all here wouldn't collective label you an asshole even if you punched the woman in the face? nta	nta, obviously, why did you even post here?	so this story is...”this lady was an asshole, but i was just doing my job. i dont think im the asshole, my manager says im not an asshole, random customers chimed in to say im not an asshole, jesus came down and spoke to me and told me im not an asshole, but im not sure! reddit, am i the asshole???”	nta, you did your job. you didn't make the husband give you the tip and you stated you tried to give it back. she had no right to come back getting mad at you, that was something she should have taken up with her husband	nta a lot of times, i used to think that embarrassment was built when i was younger. i had been pumped full of those happy little lies society tells woman, which is that we have to be pleasers. you shouldn't feel guilty. you were probably horrified and embarrassed and didn't know how to handle it. but everyone else had your side and that's amazing. don't let people make you feel bad about yourself because they can't handle their s***. she sounds like she is probably going to divorce that guy, and he would be lucky to be away from her	NTA	NTA	null	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i'm a 22 year old, female waitress at texas roadhouse. this is one of my two jobs to put myself through college. most days are fine but other days are a living hell. yesterday i was assigned a table that had a husband, wife and what appeared to be a teenage daughter (maybe 17). everything was going smooth at first and the wife ordered a margarita. the husband then tried ordering a beer. the wife instantly lost her noodles and said "uh, no. he will not have a beer. he will have a water." she then turned to him and said something along the lines of him not needing to drink because he was driving. he said no, the daughter could drive. it was childish. anyways, he keeps telling me he wants a beer. she keeps telling me no. in this industry, situations like this are a lose/lose for waitresses. if i get him the beer, wife wont tip. if i dont get him the beer, he wont tip. damned if i do, damned if i dont. so while they were arguing at me, i said "listen, i really dont have time to play mediator here." they went silent. i went and got both of them their alcohol. daughter gives me an apologetic look upon my return, presumably because her mother was acting bat shit crazy upon seeing me bring a beer in tow. flash forward to after their meals. husband has had 2 beers at this point. wife has stopped drinking and glares at me everytime i return. wife and daughter go to the car while husband pays. husband drops me a $40 tip on a $68 tab. i told him i couldnt accept it. he insisted. eventually i pocketed it. wife comes in an hour or so later demanding that i give her the $40 her husband gave me, stating that i was a terrible host and went against her and i dknt deserve a tip. she got my manager involved who said "she is not obligated to give you her tip. you left the restaurant and the tip has already been processed. have a nice night." she was fuming, screaming at me about how much of an ah i was for supplying her husband alcohol after she said no. other guests started chiming in saying that she was being ignorant and that i was doing my job, which is to provide guests with what they want and said that it wasnt my fault that she was a controlling wife. she storms out. given the fact that i was put on the spot like that, i feel insanely guilty. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i'm a 22 year old, female waitress at texas roadhouse. this is one of my two jobs to put myself through college. most days are fine but other days are a living hell. yesterday i was assigned a table that had a husband, wife and what appeared to be a teenage daughter (maybe 17). everything was going smooth at first and the wife ordered a margarita. the husband then tried ordering a beer. the wife instantly lost her noodles and said "uh, no. he will not have a beer. he will have a water." she then turned to him and said something along the lines of him not needing to drink because he was driving. he said no, the daughter could drive. it was childish. anyways, he keeps telling me he wants a beer. she keeps telling me no. in this industry, situations like this are a lose/lose for waitresses. if i get him the beer, wife wont tip. if i dont get him the beer, he wont tip. damned if i do, damned if i dont. so while they were arguing at me, i said "listen, i really dont have time to play mediator here." they went silent. i went and got both of them their alcohol. daughter gives me an apologetic look upon my return, presumably because her mother was acting bat shit crazy upon seeing me bring a beer in tow. flash forward to after their meals. husband has had 2 beers at this point. wife has stopped drinking and glares at me everytime i return. wife and daughter go to the car while husband pays. husband drops me a $40 tip on a $68 tab. i told him i couldnt accept it. he insisted. eventually i pocketed it. wife comes in an hour or so later demanding that i give her the $40 her husband gave me, stating that i was a terrible host and went against her and i dknt deserve a tip. she got my manager involved who said "she is not obligated to give you her tip. you left the restaurant and the tip has already been processed. have a nice night." she was fuming, screaming at me about how much of an ah i was for supplying her husband alcohol after she said no. other guests started chiming in saying that she was being ignorant and that i was doing my job, which is to provide guests with what they want and said that it wasnt my fault that she was a controlling wife. she storms out. given the fact that i was put on the spot like that, i feel insanely guilty. aita? [/INST] nta imo, manager has your back (which is good!) and the other customers as well. really she’s pissed at her husband not you. </s>
AITA for monitoring my son’s shower time and making him leave the door open		6,369	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/d7omtz/aita_for_monitoring_my_sons_shower_time_and/	2019-09-22 10:21:52	yta for the privacy part. turn off the hot water. or the water supply. he still gets privacy, you get results.	a 16 year old should be allowed privacy in the bathroom. no member of a household should be allowed 3.5 hours of bathroom time. could i suggest you find a different punishment (removal of privileges) for going over the 40 minutes.	nta. that's just a huge waste of water. honestly i can probably guess why he's doing it, but that's something he can do in his bedroom.	he’s blowing grass in there.	i'm not here to judge, i just want to say that long showers are often symptomatic of depression. watch out for other signs too and maybe try to have a talk if necessary. nobody takes that long just to wank...	nta 3.5 hours is just a fucking exaggeration that's coming from someone who was always told by his family that he takes long showers. i don't take more than 40 mins nowadays, but even back when i was a teenager, the highest time i've spent was about 1 hour and 15 minutes. and that was back when i used to rub one off while doing it. if he wants to stay 2-3 hours in the shower, he should at least give you the reason why.	info that is a long ass shower. whenever someone does something that bizarre, it is a good idea to do a mental health check in. he could be depressed, he could have some form of ocd that makes him need to shower compulsively and extensively. i mean this is just weird, especially since you said he has privacy in his room to do teenage boy activities. have you sat your son down and asked him why, in a non judgemental and receptive tone/body language, he feels such long showers are necessary? what is he getting out of this behavior? maybe it is his only way of de-stressing, in which case you could have a conversation about other healthy ways he could relax.	hey op, sometimes people take long showers like this when they’re suffering from depression/mental illness. check in with your kid.	nta. no one need 3.5 hours of showering time. no one should waste that gargantuan amount of water. no one needs to block the fucking bathroom for so long. this is about monitoring his showering time. now on the disrespecting his privacy thing, i definitely thing it's not ok for anyone to force them to leave the door unlocked and whatnot. still don't think it makes you an asshole for that, but you need to find another solution. turn off hot water if you can. subtract the time he overspends in the shower (what teenage boy needs longer than like 20 minutes in the shower anyways, 5 minutes to shower, brushing teeth and styling in like 10 minutes, 5 minutes for silly stuff or whacking one) from his time e.g. he can spend with friends or can play video games or whatever, but invading his privacy is something i would never recommend.	yta for threatening to walk in on him, especially at that age. you can buy shower timers that shut the water off once the timer limit is reached, and can’t be reactivated for whatever time period you set. my parents installed one when my sister and i were like that as teenagers, and it was definitely effective.	YTA	null	NTA	null	null	NTA	INFO	null	NTA	YTA	0.623283	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context:	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> [/INST] yta for the privacy part. turn off the hot water. or the water supply. he still gets privacy, you get results. </s>
AITA for embarrassing my wife in front of our friends by not going along with her lie?	when my wife and i got married, we were both working. once our first child was born, she wanted to quit (completely her decision). i started working more to compensate and she started taking care of the house and the kid. i am a pretty clean person and i help whenever i could or if she asked. i am an involved parent. the we had another kid and i started working even more. at the end of 2019, my wife flew to her home country to visit her parents. airports were shut down and all the flights were cancelled before she could come back. there was a lot of red tape to unravel here and we couldn't get her back home until may. like i said, the only reason i didn't do household works was because i was working too much and i discussed that with my wife and she was also ok with taking care of the household. i have lived alone for several years and until she quit her job i always did my share of everything. i am pretty far from helpless. at first, i freaked out a little as i couldn't wfh and i had kids (7m and 2f) to take care of. in the end, i figured it out. i was stretched a little thing but it was nothing unmanageable. my wife came back home in the beginning of may 2020. she was very happy to be home and we were all happy to have her back. there didn't seem to be any problem. few weeks ago, we have having dinner at our house with one of our couple friends when my wife told them that i was miserable without her, that the kids were miserable, that the house was a disaster, that she had so much stuff to clean up etc. she basically said that i was helpless without her and that i couldn't take care of anything while she was gone. i kinda chuckled awkwardly. i told her that the kids and i were definitely miserable sometimes because we missed her but nothing other than that was true. i told her not to lie about me or my ability take care of the kids. after dinner, she was extremely mad at me and told that i was a jerk and that i should have just played along. she told me that she felt awful that i could manage everything without her and she felt that the can't didn't need her and that she was insignificant. i obviously tried to tell her that it wasn't the case but she kept yelling at me and made me sleep on the couch. here is the thing. just because she isn't employed doesn't mean she can't work/doesn't know how to work. similarly, just because i don't do things now doesn't mean i can't do it. i think it's demeaning to have me pretend that i am a man child who has to be babied / doesn't know how to do basic things / cannot take care of my own children just so that she can feel better about herself. i don't think it right to portray me as an incompetent person because she feels insecure. however she is still really upset and i am not so sure anymore. aita? am i the asshole for not going along with the lie?	19,382	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kppblm/aita_for_embarrassing_my_wife_in_front_of_our/	2021-01-03 18:03:08	nta if i was in her position i would be non-stop bragging to people about how great you had been as a caring father & understanding husband. you were basically a single dad for a few months - that‘s not an easy task. she should be gloating non-stop about you, not tearing you down.	my dad banned the berenstein bears books from our house because he said all the stories were about how the dad was an idiot and he didn't want us learning that. it is now a fond memory of my dad being stubborn af about the power of stories. nta but. you have received some very important information here from your wife. she feels unnecessary and insignificant to your family. don't get caught up in the 'who was right at the dinner party' sideshow (you were, you were right), because it doesn't matter. she feels insignificant in your family. don't let this slide by. do you wanna lose a~~n arm~~ wife? because that's how you lose a wife. you need to put the kids to be a little early one weekend night and have a long talk about changing things - not because you don't appreciate her and what she does, but because your wife is desperately unhappy. this moment of her being an asshole is a signal flare. don't focus on the flare. help the woman who is drowning.	nta. she tried to throw you under the bus in front of your friends and expected you to just suck it up and play the poor useless husband who can't cope. ask yourself what she would have said had you done what she did and bought up how easily you coped without her and that she clearly didn't do much. how would she have reacted? would she have "just played along"?	nta. your wife wanted to make herself feel better by bringing you down in-front of her friends and then expecting you to go along with it. it’s not like she discussed this with you before you both had dinner with the friends. she’s mad because she got caught in her own lies and it’s her own fault. she’s being unreasonable and it’s not your fault you stepped up even more when she was unavailable. it sounds like she needs to seek help for those insecurities.	nta. lying about your competence as a parent/caregiver in front of your friends and humiliating you is not the way to make herself feel needed - that's actually really fucked up. i don't see how any reasonable person could blame you for refusing to along with the lie. your wife does not seem very emotionally mature. did you tell her you felt demeaned?	nta. i always speak up for my husband and relay all the things he has done for me and for our child. i let people know he is an exceptional father, husband, and helper. your wife is supposed to be your advocate and she is ta majorly for insulting you and trying to pass it off as a cute little man-hating joke. that's just me- i have left at least 3 friend groups in my 5 year marriage because all the women wanted to do was sit around and fuss about their husbands and try to belittle me for refusing to do the same. you deserve better treatment, op.	nta at all. it really says a lot about her that she would say that about you in front of friends. apparently her feelings are more valid than yours and you should be able to handle her saying demeaning things about you. good on you for standing up for yourself.	??? i swear i've seen this same exact post before. wtf? is it only me?	nta. good partners build each other up, not tear each other down. she basically shit all over how much hard work you put in to keeping things running while she was gone just to soothe her bruised ego.	nta. my husband is 100% capable of being an adult if i'm not around. the entertainment industry, for decades, has made fun of men that try to take care of the home. (just watch the movie "mr mom.") it infuriates me to see this. gender equality goes both ways. i adore taking care of my family, but i'm not naive enough to believe that if i go away for a few months my husband wouldn't be capable of adulting.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: when my wife and i got married, we were both working. once our first child was born, she wanted to quit (completely her decision). i started working more to compensate and she started taking care of the house and the kid. i am a pretty clean person and i help whenever i could or if she asked. i am an involved parent. the we had another kid and i started working even more. at the end of 2019, my wife flew to her home country to visit her parents. airports were shut down and all the flights were cancelled before she could come back. there was a lot of red tape to unravel here and we couldn't get her back home until may. like i said, the only reason i didn't do household works was because i was working too much and i discussed that with my wife and she was also ok with taking care of the household. i have lived alone for several years and until she quit her job i always did my share of everything. i am pretty far from helpless. at first, i freaked out a little as i couldn't wfh and i had kids (7m and 2f) to take care of. in the end, i figured it out. i was stretched a little thing but it was nothing unmanageable. my wife came back home in the beginning of may 2020. she was very happy to be home and we were all happy to have her back. there didn't seem to be any problem. few weeks ago, we have having dinner at our house with one of our couple friends when my wife told them that i was miserable without her, that the kids were miserable, that the house was a disaster, that she had so much stuff to clean up etc. she basically said that i was helpless without her and that i couldn't take care of anything while she was gone. i kinda chuckled awkwardly. i told her that the kids and i were definitely miserable sometimes because we missed her but nothing other than that was true. i told her not to lie about me or my ability take care of the kids. after dinner, she was extremely mad at me and told that i was a jerk and that i should have just played along. she told me that she felt awful that i could manage everything without her and she felt that the can't didn't need her and that she was insignificant. i obviously tried to tell her that it wasn't the case but she kept yelling at me and made me sleep on the couch. here is the thing. just because she isn't employed doesn't mean she can't work/doesn't know how to work. similarly, just because i don't do things now doesn't mean i can't do it. i think it's demeaning to have me pretend that i am a man child who has to be babied / doesn't know how to do basic things / cannot take care of my own children just so that she can feel better about herself. i don't think it right to portray me as an incompetent person because she feels insecure. however she is still really upset and i am not so sure anymore. aita? am i the asshole for not going along with the lie?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> when my wife and i got married, we were both working. once our first child was born, she wanted to quit (completely her decision). i started working more to compensate and she started taking care of the house and the kid. i am a pretty clean person and i help whenever i could or if she asked. i am an involved parent. the we had another kid and i started working even more. at the end of 2019, my wife flew to her home country to visit her parents. airports were shut down and all the flights were cancelled before she could come back. there was a lot of red tape to unravel here and we couldn't get her back home until may. like i said, the only reason i didn't do household works was because i was working too much and i discussed that with my wife and she was also ok with taking care of the household. i have lived alone for several years and until she quit her job i always did my share of everything. i am pretty far from helpless. at first, i freaked out a little as i couldn't wfh and i had kids (7m and 2f) to take care of. in the end, i figured it out. i was stretched a little thing but it was nothing unmanageable. my wife came back home in the beginning of may 2020. she was very happy to be home and we were all happy to have her back. there didn't seem to be any problem. few weeks ago, we have having dinner at our house with one of our couple friends when my wife told them that i was miserable without her, that the kids were miserable, that the house was a disaster, that she had so much stuff to clean up etc. she basically said that i was helpless without her and that i couldn't take care of anything while she was gone. i kinda chuckled awkwardly. i told her that the kids and i were definitely miserable sometimes because we missed her but nothing other than that was true. i told her not to lie about me or my ability take care of the kids. after dinner, she was extremely mad at me and told that i was a jerk and that i should have just played along. she told me that she felt awful that i could manage everything without her and she felt that the can't didn't need her and that she was insignificant. i obviously tried to tell her that it wasn't the case but she kept yelling at me and made me sleep on the couch. here is the thing. just because she isn't employed doesn't mean she can't work/doesn't know how to work. similarly, just because i don't do things now doesn't mean i can't do it. i think it's demeaning to have me pretend that i am a man child who has to be babied / doesn't know how to do basic things / cannot take care of my own children just so that she can feel better about herself. i don't think it right to portray me as an incompetent person because she feels insecure. however she is still really upset and i am not so sure anymore. aita? am i the asshole for not going along with the lie? [/INST] nta if i was in her position i would be non-stop bragging to people about how great you had been as a caring father & understanding husband. you were basically a single dad for a few months - that‘s not an easy task. she should be gloating non-stop about you, not tearing you down. </s>
Aita for calling stepmom out on her second wife syndrome after she ruined my dance studio	my parents have been divorced for 10 or so years, i am now 19 (f) my brother(16) and i have known our dads wife for 8 years now. we have grown up with her and i have a lot of fond memories of us doing stuff together because they couldn’t have kids. my dad is 56, step mom is 38, and having a younger step mom was always fun for me. 3 years ago, they had their first child. it was a miracle since doctors told her she wouldn’t be able to get pregnant. she ended up getting pregnant again a year and a half ago and had another kid. they now have 2 boys who are 3 and like 6 months. of course, after the boys were born, things started changing with step mom. she may have not meant it on purpose but my brother and i both agreed how obvious her disinterest in us had become. she even asked my dad if we could have 2 versions of our christmas cards, one of them having my brother and i in it and another with just my dad, step mom and 2 step brothers to go to step moms friends who don’t really know us. the issue at hand has been going on for about a month, step mom has been slowly turning my dance studio in my dads house into a play room. every weekend i’m there it’s like there are more and more toys in it. i still dance competitively, and though i live at college most of the time, when i’m home i live with my dad and need it for practice. i called stepmom out on this in our family group text for moving some of my brothers things to a box in the basement, because “with the boys we need more room”. i don’t think this is true, i think she just wants to get rid of the reminders of my brother and i. i told her that we know she’s condensing all of our space in the house. she tried to play it off all nice. i then said i’m sorry for being in the way of her cute little nuclear family, and that she shouldn’t have married a man with kids if we were gonna have these issues. my dad texted me individually and said i must apologize, i told him that we should have just as many rights in our dads house as his new kids do. he said nobody is taking our rights blah blah but aita for saying what i did to step mom?	6,310	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/fh8foy/aita_for_calling_stepmom_out_on_her_second_wife/	2020-03-12 01:34:53	yta. i’m sure there are serious dancers who don’t have their own dance studio at home and still manage to practice. she lives there full time. you live there part time. maybe she’s the asshole for some other stuff but in this situation it’s you. also they aren’t your step brothers they’re your half brothers.	i want to say e s h, but by god any woman who wants 2 separate christmas cards so one doesn't include the step children really pisses me off and clearly makes her the ah. this reminds me of that woman on facebook who wanted her stepson photoshopped out of the family photos. why do women act like this and why do men marry these women? and vice versa. but yeah, you're in college now. you don't need your own personal dance studio anymore and it rightly should be turned into a playroom for the boys.	yta. let me get this straight, you don't live at home anymore, and you want them to give up an entire room in the house dedicated for your practicing dance for the minimal time you are there? even though your little brothers live there full time and need a place to play? i get you're upset by the situation but you're an adult, you know renovating a dance room you used as a teenager to better fit the needs of their life in the home now has nothing to do with her trying to "get rid of reminders" of you and your brother.	you're a college student. you live at your college. the house will continue to evolve more and more and eventually most of your things will be in boxes in the basement waiting for you to take them to your own apartment. that's not because of babies or divorces or step-moms. that's the normal way it works regardless of those things. nah	yta. there is a lot of exaggeration and inaccuracies in your version of events. she did not 'ruin' your studio, she put out some toys. they are not your step brothers, they are your half brothers. they are your siblings! of course she focuses more on them. babies and toddlers take a ton of energy. you are an adult who has moved out.	my little sister took over my room when i went to college. when i came home i shoved her crap over. this is normal “go to college, lose your space” stuff, happens with or without a stepmom. yta.	yta. you don’t even live there and you expect your dad and stepmom to preserve empty space for your studio when your little brothers live there full time. sorry, honey, but you have siblings now. learn to share. when you are home, have your dad help you move their stuff over and dance.	esh. you aren't home enough for them to keep a permanent dance studio, as you get older you will be around less and less. but the thing with the christmas card is out of line. you need to have a sit down with your dad and stepmom to discuss how you are feeling. you've dealt with many family changes and that will make you feel more sensitive the more things change. listen to what they have to say with an open heart and mind. apologize for lashing out but be clear on your feelings. "i am sorry i lashed out. i think i did that because i am feeling excluded from our family. i am having trouble adjusting to being away to college and coming home to so many changes taking place without me realizing them. sometimes i just need to spend some time with just my dad because i'm feeling vulnerable. i want to be able to still have a place to call home until i have a more permanent place of my own and have a better handle on functioning in the adult world. i don't want to lose my connection to my family. can we please work together to help me find some balance between what needs to change and what i can count on to stay the same?"	esh. it's weird of her to take two sets of xmas photos. you say you mostly live at college, so there is no point in them not putting an empty room to use.	esh - she isn’t respecting your role in the family, coming in as a step parent means you treat any kids like your own. but simultaneously you simply don’t live there, nor do you own the property. she can do what she wants with it.	YTA	ESH	YTA	NAH	YTA	YTA	YTA	ESH	ESH	ESH	0.055125	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my parents have been divorced for 10 or so years, i am now 19 (f) my brother(16) and i have known our dads wife for 8 years now. we have grown up with her and i have a lot of fond memories of us doing stuff together because they couldn’t have kids. my dad is 56, step mom is 38, and having a younger step mom was always fun for me. 3 years ago, they had their first child. it was a miracle since doctors told her she wouldn’t be able to get pregnant. she ended up getting pregnant again a year and a half ago and had another kid. they now have 2 boys who are 3 and like 6 months. of course, after the boys were born, things started changing with step mom. she may have not meant it on purpose but my brother and i both agreed how obvious her disinterest in us had become. she even asked my dad if we could have 2 versions of our christmas cards, one of them having my brother and i in it and another with just my dad, step mom and 2 step brothers to go to step moms friends who don’t really know us. the issue at hand has been going on for about a month, step mom has been slowly turning my dance studio in my dads house into a play room. every weekend i’m there it’s like there are more and more toys in it. i still dance competitively, and though i live at college most of the time, when i’m home i live with my dad and need it for practice. i called stepmom out on this in our family group text for moving some of my brothers things to a box in the basement, because “with the boys we need more room”. i don’t think this is true, i think she just wants to get rid of the reminders of my brother and i. i told her that we know she’s condensing all of our space in the house. she tried to play it off all nice. i then said i’m sorry for being in the way of her cute little nuclear family, and that she shouldn’t have married a man with kids if we were gonna have these issues. my dad texted me individually and said i must apologize, i told him that we should have just as many rights in our dads house as his new kids do. he said nobody is taking our rights blah blah but aita for saying what i did to step mom?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my parents have been divorced for 10 or so years, i am now 19 (f) my brother(16) and i have known our dads wife for 8 years now. we have grown up with her and i have a lot of fond memories of us doing stuff together because they couldn’t have kids. my dad is 56, step mom is 38, and having a younger step mom was always fun for me. 3 years ago, they had their first child. it was a miracle since doctors told her she wouldn’t be able to get pregnant. she ended up getting pregnant again a year and a half ago and had another kid. they now have 2 boys who are 3 and like 6 months. of course, after the boys were born, things started changing with step mom. she may have not meant it on purpose but my brother and i both agreed how obvious her disinterest in us had become. she even asked my dad if we could have 2 versions of our christmas cards, one of them having my brother and i in it and another with just my dad, step mom and 2 step brothers to go to step moms friends who don’t really know us. the issue at hand has been going on for about a month, step mom has been slowly turning my dance studio in my dads house into a play room. every weekend i’m there it’s like there are more and more toys in it. i still dance competitively, and though i live at college most of the time, when i’m home i live with my dad and need it for practice. i called stepmom out on this in our family group text for moving some of my brothers things to a box in the basement, because “with the boys we need more room”. i don’t think this is true, i think she just wants to get rid of the reminders of my brother and i. i told her that we know she’s condensing all of our space in the house. she tried to play it off all nice. i then said i’m sorry for being in the way of her cute little nuclear family, and that she shouldn’t have married a man with kids if we were gonna have these issues. my dad texted me individually and said i must apologize, i told him that we should have just as many rights in our dads house as his new kids do. he said nobody is taking our rights blah blah but aita for saying what i did to step mom? [/INST] yta. i’m sure there are serious dancers who don’t have their own dance studio at home and still manage to practice. she lives there full time. you live there part time. maybe she’s the asshole for some other stuff but in this situation it’s you. also they aren’t your step brothers they’re your half brothers. </s>
AITA for contacting my aunt's EX when she wouldn't pay me for the damages their son did?	my(16) aunt and her husband just got divorced, i don't know the full details but my father mentioned that he cheated, actually, non of my business. they have a son(9) who is currently living with my aunt. my parents invited my aunt and cousin over to our place for a short stay because they have been under stress. i was supposed to play with my cousin as the adults have their conversations but we have nothing much in common, so i let him play on my laptop instead. he was playing some web games as i surfed on my phone nearby and he suddenly lost it. he slammed on the keyboards hard and swiped the laptop off the desk. when i picked it up the screen was broken, it was pixilated all over with a white crack across the middle. i yelled at him a little before my parents stopped me, telling me to be nice as he is just upset because of recent events. my aunt just kept telling him "it's all right. " and din't even look at me. i had the screen and keyboard fixed. the warranty covered the keyboard but not the screen, so it cost around $400. my parents gave me $100 to cover part of it but the rest was "my fault", which i didn't agree, i never asked to babysit an angry kid nor ask him to destroy my laptop. they made it sure that they were not going to give me more, so i asked my aunt instead, and got a scolding from them for being insensitive. insensitive or not, $300 isn't a small sum for me and since i figured nobody would pay me, i decided to contact my aunt's ex husband instead. after all, my cousin is his son too, so it's worth a try. in short, he did pay me the full bill, in which i returned the $100 back to my parents, but they were all fuming when they found out about it. it was like a great humiliation to my aunt, unhealthy for my cousin or something like that. maybe its bad but i don't really have much empathy for them, so aita?	20,826	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ib7t37/aita_for_contacting_my_aunts_ex_when_she_wouldnt/	2020-08-17 04:57:09	nta, you're pretty resourceful, especially for a 16 year old. good job recovering what was yours.	nta!!! he broke your laptop, he’s 9 but he is the parents responsibility. if my child broke something of someone’s, no matter what the cost, i know i would have to pay for it. no shame in asking for what is yours. in fact, they should be ashamed for making you pay for it. insensitive? absolutely not! what i think is insensitive is making you pay for something their son broke. good for you for contacting the father, they can cry about it all they want. you got your laptop fixed and you didn’t have to pay a dime. that’s how it should be, you break it, you buy it.	nta - everybody except you and your aunt's ex are ta. hate to break it to you, but your parents might be idiots if they think this was your fault at all. it's good that your aunt's ex stepped up. the real humiliation is your aunt's behavior.	nta-when an underage kid does damage to someone's property it is always the parent who is responsible. you're right, you didn't ask to babysit this kid, you were kind enough to let him play with your computer, how could you have known he got all ragey. if they didn't want to feel humiliated, your aunt should have taken up responsibility for her son's actions and paid for the fix.	nta - your parents on the other hand are tas. they told you to play with your cousin and when he had a temper tantrum, they blamed you... you need to talk to your parents and have a serious conversation with them about this.	nta your aunt feels embarrassed because she refused to take accountability for her child’s actions and now everyone knows it. let her bask in it.	nta. the 9 year-old should be taught to control his emotions and respect other’s property. i understand they’re going through a lot, but actions still have consequences. it was her responsibility to pay, and have her son ‘pay’ her back through chores and the like. since the mom did not step up and parent, you went to the dad. it is unhealthy for your cousin to be destructive without consequences.	nta - parents need to learn to take responsibility for anything their underage kids do, especially when family’s involved. at least her ex recognised the kid was in the wrong and payed you back	i'm surprised how nobody is suggesting that op would even partially be to blame for taking the responsibility of looking after the 9-year-old but relegating it to the laptop instead and apparently not paying much more attention. the 9-year-old was under the supervision of op. i wouldn't go on this angle if op had strongly established that he was not acting as the overseer in this situation, but he, to me, seemed to establish the polar opposite.	nta. it's a sad situation all around, but it's not fair to ask you to eat $300 in damages to make it better. they can handle the child's emotional needs with tact and empathy without refusing to help you.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my(16) aunt and her husband just got divorced, i don't know the full details but my father mentioned that he cheated, actually, non of my business. they have a son(9) who is currently living with my aunt. my parents invited my aunt and cousin over to our place for a short stay because they have been under stress. i was supposed to play with my cousin as the adults have their conversations but we have nothing much in common, so i let him play on my laptop instead. he was playing some web games as i surfed on my phone nearby and he suddenly lost it. he slammed on the keyboards hard and swiped the laptop off the desk. when i picked it up the screen was broken, it was pixilated all over with a white crack across the middle. i yelled at him a little before my parents stopped me, telling me to be nice as he is just upset because of recent events. my aunt just kept telling him "it's all right. " and din't even look at me. i had the screen and keyboard fixed. the warranty covered the keyboard but not the screen, so it cost around $400. my parents gave me $100 to cover part of it but the rest was "my fault", which i didn't agree, i never asked to babysit an angry kid nor ask him to destroy my laptop. they made it sure that they were not going to give me more, so i asked my aunt instead, and got a scolding from them for being insensitive. insensitive or not, $300 isn't a small sum for me and since i figured nobody would pay me, i decided to contact my aunt's ex husband instead. after all, my cousin is his son too, so it's worth a try. in short, he did pay me the full bill, in which i returned the $100 back to my parents, but they were all fuming when they found out about it. it was like a great humiliation to my aunt, unhealthy for my cousin or something like that. maybe its bad but i don't really have much empathy for them, so aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my(16) aunt and her husband just got divorced, i don't know the full details but my father mentioned that he cheated, actually, non of my business. they have a son(9) who is currently living with my aunt. my parents invited my aunt and cousin over to our place for a short stay because they have been under stress. i was supposed to play with my cousin as the adults have their conversations but we have nothing much in common, so i let him play on my laptop instead. he was playing some web games as i surfed on my phone nearby and he suddenly lost it. he slammed on the keyboards hard and swiped the laptop off the desk. when i picked it up the screen was broken, it was pixilated all over with a white crack across the middle. i yelled at him a little before my parents stopped me, telling me to be nice as he is just upset because of recent events. my aunt just kept telling him "it's all right. " and din't even look at me. i had the screen and keyboard fixed. the warranty covered the keyboard but not the screen, so it cost around $400. my parents gave me $100 to cover part of it but the rest was "my fault", which i didn't agree, i never asked to babysit an angry kid nor ask him to destroy my laptop. they made it sure that they were not going to give me more, so i asked my aunt instead, and got a scolding from them for being insensitive. insensitive or not, $300 isn't a small sum for me and since i figured nobody would pay me, i decided to contact my aunt's ex husband instead. after all, my cousin is his son too, so it's worth a try. in short, he did pay me the full bill, in which i returned the $100 back to my parents, but they were all fuming when they found out about it. it was like a great humiliation to my aunt, unhealthy for my cousin or something like that. maybe its bad but i don't really have much empathy for them, so aita? [/INST] nta, you're pretty resourceful, especially for a 16 year old. good job recovering what was yours. </s>
AITA for making my daughter cover up at home?	background info: i (58f) have a daughter (22f). i am very anti-tattoo and my daughter is very aware of this. when she left to go to college, i told her that as long as i was paying for her school, she was not allowed to get a tattoo. since i was paying for her undergrad, she followed my rules. when she was getting ready to start grad school about 1.5 years ago, which she was paying for, she apparently went out and got a tattoo of a butterfly on her shoulder that's about the size of my fist. i didn't know about it until about 6 months ago when she finally mentioned it. i absolutely hate it, i think it's ugly and gross. the current situation: my daughter is moving back in with me and my mother to complete her internship that is required for her masters degree. i told her that when she is in the house she has to wear clothing that covers the tattoo because i don't want to see it. she says that's not fair because it is very hot where we live and she likes to wear tank tops and stuff. i say it's my house so it's my rules and she is welcome to find other living arrangements if she doesn't like it. i know that she cannot find other arrangements because the internship is unpaid so she has no option exception living with me for free. my mother doesn't really like tattoos either, but she hasn't said anything about this situation except to say she is staying out of it. i think i might be the asshole because she is an adult who can make her own choices, but i cannot stand the tattoo and i'm so disappointed that she made the choice to get one. so, aita?	10,055	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pnhavw/aita_for_making_my_daughter_cover_up_at_home/	2021-09-13 15:06:24	yta. it may be your house, but its not your body. also, shes finishing up her masters. sounds like shes got a good head on her shoulders and is intelligent. why not be positive about that, instead of being negative about her tattoos. tbh, youre an adult, act like it. its not even an offensive tattoo yet youre willing to kick your child to the curb over it. shes a grown woman, in school, trying to make something of herself, and all you see is a butterfly tattoo?	yta. also, something to contemplate: which is bigger, your hatred of tattoos or your love for your daughter? because one of those two things is going to shape your relationship with her, your call which one. edited to say thanks so much for all the upvotes and awards! highlight of my week. (lockdown) 🤣	yta. yeah, sure it’s your money and your house and all that good shit. but my god woman, your daughter is not some auxiliary attachment of yours. she’s going to have her own morals and values and wants and you need to just get the hell over it. no one is making you get tatted, but your daughter is an adult who is allowed to make her own choices. she shouldn’t have to “cover up” in her place of living just because you’re too sensitive.	yta - do you actually have a legitimate reason behind hating tattoos or are you one of those parents that need to control every aspect of their child's life? why tf do you care about a small butterfly tattoo, how does it actually affect you? it's not like your daughter is a bum, it just sounds like you're making a mountain out of a mole hill.	yta. why is this so important to you? honestly you sound nuts and this is coming from a 56 year old who doesn’t like tattoos either.	yta, > i say it's my house so it's my rules it is not you body it is hers so her rules.	yta. out of curiosity is it your house, or your mothers house?	yta - op i get it, you dislike tattoos. my mother was the exact same way, but her reaction to my older sister's first ink was better than yours. it's your daughter, if you dislike part of your daughter, that's not going to end well for you both. i watched my sister separate herself and become more and more sneaky behind her/my mother's back. until once my mother realized she was being absurd, it's a drawing on her skin. if she got 'fuck you op' on her shoulder than maybe you'd be in the right here. other than that, you have to relax. you know as you mentioned that she can't live elsewhere, so why make her struggle while being at home. just get past the ink, times have changed love, tattoos no longer stop people from employment opportunities or anything like that. also just know this, she got that tattoo because she loves it. it wasn't to spite you, but she may get more to spite you if your behavior continues. don't give your kids a reason to spite you, especially over something so tolerable as a tattoo.	yta...and you know it " i think i might be the asshole because she is an adult who can make her own choices" you are punishing her for making a grown up choice you don't like...a choice she was perfectly entitled to make and you know that is what you are doing too " i'm so disappointed that she made the choice to get one." you are right it is your house so you can technically have any rules you like no matter how unreasonable as long as they are legal. but you know you are being an ah and don't be surprised if this tarnishes your relationship.	yta. enjoy this time while you have power over her because you're not likely to see her much once you don't.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: background info: i (58f) have a daughter (22f). i am very anti-tattoo and my daughter is very aware of this. when she left to go to college, i told her that as long as i was paying for her school, she was not allowed to get a tattoo. since i was paying for her undergrad, she followed my rules. when she was getting ready to start grad school about 1.5 years ago, which she was paying for, she apparently went out and got a tattoo of a butterfly on her shoulder that's about the size of my fist. i didn't know about it until about 6 months ago when she finally mentioned it. i absolutely hate it, i think it's ugly and gross. the current situation: my daughter is moving back in with me and my mother to complete her internship that is required for her masters degree. i told her that when she is in the house she has to wear clothing that covers the tattoo because i don't want to see it. she says that's not fair because it is very hot where we live and she likes to wear tank tops and stuff. i say it's my house so it's my rules and she is welcome to find other living arrangements if she doesn't like it. i know that she cannot find other arrangements because the internship is unpaid so she has no option exception living with me for free. my mother doesn't really like tattoos either, but she hasn't said anything about this situation except to say she is staying out of it. i think i might be the asshole because she is an adult who can make her own choices, but i cannot stand the tattoo and i'm so disappointed that she made the choice to get one. so, aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> background info: i (58f) have a daughter (22f). i am very anti-tattoo and my daughter is very aware of this. when she left to go to college, i told her that as long as i was paying for her school, she was not allowed to get a tattoo. since i was paying for her undergrad, she followed my rules. when she was getting ready to start grad school about 1.5 years ago, which she was paying for, she apparently went out and got a tattoo of a butterfly on her shoulder that's about the size of my fist. i didn't know about it until about 6 months ago when she finally mentioned it. i absolutely hate it, i think it's ugly and gross. the current situation: my daughter is moving back in with me and my mother to complete her internship that is required for her masters degree. i told her that when she is in the house she has to wear clothing that covers the tattoo because i don't want to see it. she says that's not fair because it is very hot where we live and she likes to wear tank tops and stuff. i say it's my house so it's my rules and she is welcome to find other living arrangements if she doesn't like it. i know that she cannot find other arrangements because the internship is unpaid so she has no option exception living with me for free. my mother doesn't really like tattoos either, but she hasn't said anything about this situation except to say she is staying out of it. i think i might be the asshole because she is an adult who can make her own choices, but i cannot stand the tattoo and i'm so disappointed that she made the choice to get one. so, aita? [/INST] yta. it may be your house, but its not your body. also, shes finishing up her masters. sounds like shes got a good head on her shoulders and is intelligent. why not be positive about that, instead of being negative about her tattoos. tbh, youre an adult, act like it. its not even an offensive tattoo yet youre willing to kick your child to the curb over it. shes a grown woman, in school, trying to make something of herself, and all you see is a butterfly tattoo? </s>
AITA for giving my son ~$15,000 when he turned 18 and moved out, but refuse to give the same amount to my daughter?	my 19-year old daughter vanessa called me this morning and told that her girlfriend proposed to her, and wants her to move to her apartment. now for context, my daughter met this woman online, and they’ve never don’t ever see each other besides a few quick weekend visits. moreover, they’ve only dated for a little more than a year. i told her i was happy for her, but then politely expressed my reservations. but i maintained that she was an adult, and that it was ultimately her decision. the problem lies when vanessa asked me for money. you see, when her older brother moved out and went to college, i decided to give him a little $500 a month stipend so he doesn’t have to worry about food (he managed to get a scholarship to cover the rest of his educational costs, so it was just the small expected parent contribution and his living expenses). that combined with the money he saved during the summers made it so he didn’t have to work at all during the school year. since i gave him $500 a month every month his university was in session, that amounted to around $16,000. i told vanessa that i was going to do the same when she moves out and goes to school. she now says that she’s moving out and that college was on the backburner for her. her girlfriend will support them (she is 23, already graduated, and works in it). she said that now she’s not going to school, she’d rather just take a lump sum, or give her $500 a month too, and just not get anything if she goes to school. i told her i cannot stop her from moving, but that money is for supporting her education only. if/when she realizes that this is a mistake and decides to go to school, or even if she decides to go to school when she’s married, i’ll be happy to contribute the money. but it’s not just a free handout. she’s got really mad that i rejected her and accused me of favoring her brother. to her credit, her brother and i have a closer relationship (he’s always been the studious rule-follower while vanessa was more the troublemaker), but i do love my children equally. i told her at the end of the day, that it was an educational stipend; if she feels like she has the independence to move out to her fiancé, then she has the independence to get a job and work for her own money. that if she ever wants to go school at any point of her life, i will fully support it financially. well we argued back and forth before she angrily hung up on me and told my wife. my wife thinks that we should give her something, but i told her that my thinking is that this relationship will fail, and i rather keep the $15,000 as an emergency blanket for if and when she has to move back home. i don’t want her to think i support this decision. she told me she sorta saw my point, but she’s not going to help me unravel this mess with my vanessa, she’s staying out of it. i, on the other hand, think she’s acting like a spoiled brat. aita for sticking to my guns on this?	24,240	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/c13jmx/aita_for_giving_my_son_15000_when_he_turned_18/	2019-06-15 23:29:27	nta. you said you'd give it to her if she went to go study. she's not going to study. you have been consistent in your behavior (in regards to giving money to your kids).	nta, that stipend was meant for an education for your son, and she isn't going to school. why does she deserve and education stipend if she isn't working on an education? moreover, you offered the stipend if she went back to school. so you are not being unfair	nta based on the info. it was an education based stipend. the real question for yourself is would you have given your son the money if he skipped college and would you have offered him a lump sum (large sums of money for young inexperienced people are usually different from monthly help)?	nta for only wanting to give the money to help support her through college. yta for the way you talk about her relationship. you keep saying when the relationship fails which is a pretty disrespectful way to phrase things. a year together before getting engaged is only slightly shorter than average. more importantly, we get a lot of parents on this sub asking if how they're treating their kids is "fair." frankly, it doesn't matter. what matters is that you're wilfully damaging your relationship with your daughter, because you're just so sure you know more about her relationship than she does.	nta and your reasoning is sound. you are not "refusing" to give your daughter the same amount of money you are merely not giving it to her without enforcing the same stipulations that the same amount of money was given to your son under. it's not like you just said "here's $15k son" there was a parental reason for the charity and there was a distinct need that it was given to fulfill.	you are not ta to want to attach the stipend to her education (nta). however, you are definitely an ass to be so unfairly judgemental about your daughter's relationship. to assume it will end in breakup/divorce. to belittle a year together. they could end up staying by each other for the rest of their lives. aren't you going to feel like a d*ck in that event?	info. does she have any other plans for herself that aren’t college??	[deleted]	nta for not giving your daughter the money. your standards for that are completely reasonable, and it’s only fair that she gets the money if and only if she goes to school. but, yta for the way you treat your daughter overall in this situation. you aren’t actually happy for her. you don’t actually support her. you’re lying to her face and you’re being a dick. if she’s happy with her girlfriend, then be happy for her. don’t have this preconceived notion that moving back home is a matter of when, not if. “i don’t want her to think i support her decision”?!? what? why wouldn’t you? clearly she’s happy, she loves her girlfriend, and if she’s dating someone who can provide for her then i’d say she’s doing pretty damn well. who cares if they only see each other on weekends? you should be proud of your daughter for making a relationship like that work.	info how do you show love and support to your daughter? from your post it looks like your attitude towards your son is more positive even if you do love them equally and your daughter is probably picking up on that. it's okay to naturally connect more with one child over another but that just means you have to work a little extra hard learning and understanding the other child. it sounds like your daughter didn't do as well in school but what are her talents? what is she interested in? what are her hobbies? what are all the awesome qualities in her fiance that makes her want to spend the rest of her life with her? do you even know the answers to these questions? you don't have to give her money but i agree with your wife that you should give her something and that something should be more support in her decisions, a congratulations on her engagement, and maybe a house warming gift for when she moves in with her fiancee. she's probably not feeling any support from you in any area of her life and that doesn't make her a spoiled brat for being upset about it.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	INFO	null	NTA	INFO	0.02053	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my 19-year old daughter vanessa called me this morning and told that her girlfriend proposed to her, and wants her to move to her apartment. now for context, my daughter met this woman online, and they’ve never don’t ever see each other besides a few quick weekend visits. moreover, they’ve only dated for a little more than a year. i told her i was happy for her, but then politely expressed my reservations. but i maintained that she was an adult, and that it was ultimately her decision. the problem lies when vanessa asked me for money. you see, when her older brother moved out and went to college, i decided to give him a little $500 a month stipend so he doesn’t have to worry about food (he managed to get a scholarship to cover the rest of his educational costs, so it was just the small expected parent contribution and his living expenses). that combined with the money he saved during the summers made it so he didn’t have to work at all during the school year. since i gave him $500 a month every month his university was in session, that amounted to around $16,000. i told vanessa that i was going to do the same when she moves out and goes to school. she now says that she’s moving out and that college was on the backburner for her. her girlfriend will support them (she is 23, already graduated, and works in it). she said that now she’s not going to school, she’d rather just take a lump sum, or give her $500 a month too, and just not get anything if she goes to school. i told her i cannot stop her from moving, but that money is for supporting her education only. if/when she realizes that this is a mistake and decides to go to school, or even if she decides to go to school when she’s married, i’ll be happy to contribute the money. but it’s not just a free handout. she’s got really mad that i rejected her and accused me of favoring her brother. to her credit, her brother and i have a closer relationship (he’s always been the studious rule-follower while vanessa was more the troublemaker), but i do love my children equally. i told her at the end of the day, that it was an educational stipend; if she feels like she has the independence to move out to her fiancé, then she has the independence to get a job and work for her own money. that if she ever wants to go school at any point of her life, i will fully support it financially. well we argued back and forth before she angrily hung up on me and told my wife. my wife thinks that we should give her something, but i told her that my thinking is that this relationship will fail, and i rather keep the $15,000 as an emergency blanket for if and when she has to move back home. i don’t want her to think i support this decision. she told me she sorta saw my point, but she’s not going to help me unravel this mess with my vanessa, she’s staying out of it. i, on the other hand, think she’s acting like a spoiled brat. aita for sticking to my guns on this?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my 19-year old daughter vanessa called me this morning and told that her girlfriend proposed to her, and wants her to move to her apartment. now for context, my daughter met this woman online, and they’ve never don’t ever see each other besides a few quick weekend visits. moreover, they’ve only dated for a little more than a year. i told her i was happy for her, but then politely expressed my reservations. but i maintained that she was an adult, and that it was ultimately her decision. the problem lies when vanessa asked me for money. you see, when her older brother moved out and went to college, i decided to give him a little $500 a month stipend so he doesn’t have to worry about food (he managed to get a scholarship to cover the rest of his educational costs, so it was just the small expected parent contribution and his living expenses). that combined with the money he saved during the summers made it so he didn’t have to work at all during the school year. since i gave him $500 a month every month his university was in session, that amounted to around $16,000. i told vanessa that i was going to do the same when she moves out and goes to school. she now says that she’s moving out and that college was on the backburner for her. her girlfriend will support them (she is 23, already graduated, and works in it). she said that now she’s not going to school, she’d rather just take a lump sum, or give her $500 a month too, and just not get anything if she goes to school. i told her i cannot stop her from moving, but that money is for supporting her education only. if/when she realizes that this is a mistake and decides to go to school, or even if she decides to go to school when she’s married, i’ll be happy to contribute the money. but it’s not just a free handout. she’s got really mad that i rejected her and accused me of favoring her brother. to her credit, her brother and i have a closer relationship (he’s always been the studious rule-follower while vanessa was more the troublemaker), but i do love my children equally. i told her at the end of the day, that it was an educational stipend; if she feels like she has the independence to move out to her fiancé, then she has the independence to get a job and work for her own money. that if she ever wants to go school at any point of her life, i will fully support it financially. well we argued back and forth before she angrily hung up on me and told my wife. my wife thinks that we should give her something, but i told her that my thinking is that this relationship will fail, and i rather keep the $15,000 as an emergency blanket for if and when she has to move back home. i don’t want her to think i support this decision. she told me she sorta saw my point, but she’s not going to help me unravel this mess with my vanessa, she’s staying out of it. i, on the other hand, think she’s acting like a spoiled brat. aita for sticking to my guns on this? [/INST] nta. you said you'd give it to her if she went to go study. she's not going to study. you have been consistent in your behavior (in regards to giving money to your kids). </s>
AITA for calling my son selfish for wanting to spend his birthday with his former nanny instead of his family?	my (44f) son is turning 21 in a few months. growing up, my husband was very busy with his business and i ran operations for him so we hired a nanny to help with my son and his sister (17) because we had work obligations or his business required us to travel halfway around the world. one nanny worked with us until my daughter was 2, after which she left after she had her own baby. her replacement, the ex nanny in question, worked for us until my son was 16, when we decided that both kids were self sufficient enough to stay home by themselves if we had to travel somewhere for a few days. now both kids are almost grown and i have been named ceo of my husband's company because he has been suffering from mobility issues and heart problems. his immune system is bad enough that now any type of minor cold turns into an issue where we have to worry about his heart and his lungs. we are dealing with the joy of our kids becoming kind and high achieving adults but are also dealing with grief from the fact that our kids now seem to have a whole separate life. my husband is also suffering from cognitive impairment problems, so i really think that we should savor any lucid moment we can have with our kids while we ( and especially he) still can. my son is approaching his milestone 21st birthday in a couple months and i have been planning to contract a party planner to organize a brunch party of sorts with family and close relatives and then afterwards we planned to pay for him and his friends to have a staycation at a local hotel. my son approached me today and said that he did not want a party and if i wanted to we could go out to eat for dinner and buy a cake, but that his ex nanny ( who is now 64) comes to town occasionally to visit her kids and he invited her to come up when she wished him an early happy birthday. he told me he was paying for her train ticket and was going to take her out to lunch and gifting her a bottle of wine or something. he also said he didn't want a staycation and can always see his friends to celebrate another day. to be honest, i was extremely hurt. i told him i wanted to plan a big 21st celebration for him and he said he wanted to celebrate with us too. now he's basically choosing somebody who isn't in his life over his parents. i called my son selfish and reminded him that we didn't know how long his dad had with us, or if he would be lucid for that time. my son got mad at me for pulling the " dad has a degenerative disease" card and stormed out, saying his mind is made up. my son goes to college in the city and lives in a nearby dorm but we don't see him very often, especially since his summer finance internship had him working crazy hours. and now even on special occasions he seems to be choosing others over me and his dad. aita?	4,223	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xa5hll/aita_for_calling_my_son_selfish_for_wanting_to/	2022-09-09 20:21:32	yta. "help, the child i didn't raise at all for his entire life is choosing to spend his milestone moments with the person who did! what should i do?"	yta you hired someone to raise your child and suddenly you're shocked that he bonded with that person more than he bonded with you.	yta. he’s not choosing someone who “isn’t in his life anymore”, he’s choosing someone who was there for him and cared for him when you and your husband weren’t. it appears you feel guilty for missing your son’s childhood and it’s not fair to put that on him. this is something you personally need work through. he’s also a grown adult and does not need his mother’s permission to make birthday plans. on top of all that, trying to manipulate him into doing what you want because of his father’s health issues is extremely inappropriate. yta.	🎶 the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon🎶	>that our kids now seem to have a whole separate life you left your kids to be raised by nannies from before they were able to form long-term memories. they’ve always had separate lives. you just used to get reports from the nanny. clearly your son has formed a much stronger attachment to the nanny than he did to his own parents and that’s extremely telling, but _this is your own doing_. yta for only just now waking up that you want a relationship with him when he gets to a milestone you consider significant.	if it's what he wants to do for his birthday, how does that make him selfish? you are telling him what you want to do for his birthday. you're making it all about yourself, when it isn't even your birthday. aka, you are the selfish one. yta.	yta. if i had to rephrase, your post would say “we outsourced a good deal of our parenting. now that the kids are grown, though, we’re shocked, shocked i say, to discover that they aren’t any closer or more available to us now then we were to them then.”	yta you have a successful business and that should make you very happy because that was the only priority in your life. your son is very lucky that he had a wonderful parent. sadly, his wonderful parent was neither of his actual parents. also, honestly, you are pretty transparent here. this big party you wanted to throw has nothing to do with your son. it isn’t even what he wants. it is just an event for you to parade your money and “perfect family” around. you just want your son there as a prop. throw your party anyway and use a cardboard cut out as a substitute for your son. it will still be exactly the party you want.	yta first, he still wants to spend his birthday with you— dinner and cake and such— he just doesn’t want the big party. it’s his birthday, so your desire to throw a brunch is irrelevant. and as a kid who grew up with a nanny… look, she’s my third parent, ok? she had just as much to do with raising me as my mom and dad did (if not more). i can’t speak for your son, but he clearly cares for and values her— she’s likely family to him. and that’s very normal and shouldn’t be something you degrade him for. you’re being very selfish.	let’s compare two of your statements in this post: > my son is approaching his milestone 21st birthday in a couple months and i have been planning to contract a party planner to organize a brunch party of sorts ok. > i told him i wanted to plan a big 21st celebration for him and he said he wanted to celebrate with us too. now he's basically choosing somebody who isn't in his life over his parents. do you see the difference? even according to you, you did not want to plan a party for your son. you wanted to pay someone else to plan a party for your son. which is how you’ve handled your kids for their entire lives. instead of being there for them yourselves, you paid other people to be there for them. which is why your son is now choosing to spend his birthday with the person who raised him. because she was in his life and you weren’t. > now he's basically choosing somebody who isn't in his life over his parents. nope. he’s choosing someone who was in his life over people who paid not to be. yta and it’s incredibly sad that this isn’t obvious to you.	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my (44f) son is turning 21 in a few months. growing up, my husband was very busy with his business and i ran operations for him so we hired a nanny to help with my son and his sister (17) because we had work obligations or his business required us to travel halfway around the world. one nanny worked with us until my daughter was 2, after which she left after she had her own baby. her replacement, the ex nanny in question, worked for us until my son was 16, when we decided that both kids were self sufficient enough to stay home by themselves if we had to travel somewhere for a few days. now both kids are almost grown and i have been named ceo of my husband's company because he has been suffering from mobility issues and heart problems. his immune system is bad enough that now any type of minor cold turns into an issue where we have to worry about his heart and his lungs. we are dealing with the joy of our kids becoming kind and high achieving adults but are also dealing with grief from the fact that our kids now seem to have a whole separate life. my husband is also suffering from cognitive impairment problems, so i really think that we should savor any lucid moment we can have with our kids while we ( and especially he) still can. my son is approaching his milestone 21st birthday in a couple months and i have been planning to contract a party planner to organize a brunch party of sorts with family and close relatives and then afterwards we planned to pay for him and his friends to have a staycation at a local hotel. my son approached me today and said that he did not want a party and if i wanted to we could go out to eat for dinner and buy a cake, but that his ex nanny ( who is now 64) comes to town occasionally to visit her kids and he invited her to come up when she wished him an early happy birthday. he told me he was paying for her train ticket and was going to take her out to lunch and gifting her a bottle of wine or something. he also said he didn't want a staycation and can always see his friends to celebrate another day. to be honest, i was extremely hurt. i told him i wanted to plan a big 21st celebration for him and he said he wanted to celebrate with us too. now he's basically choosing somebody who isn't in his life over his parents. i called my son selfish and reminded him that we didn't know how long his dad had with us, or if he would be lucid for that time. my son got mad at me for pulling the " dad has a degenerative disease" card and stormed out, saying his mind is made up. my son goes to college in the city and lives in a nearby dorm but we don't see him very often, especially since his summer finance internship had him working crazy hours. and now even on special occasions he seems to be choosing others over me and his dad. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my (44f) son is turning 21 in a few months. growing up, my husband was very busy with his business and i ran operations for him so we hired a nanny to help with my son and his sister (17) because we had work obligations or his business required us to travel halfway around the world. one nanny worked with us until my daughter was 2, after which she left after she had her own baby. her replacement, the ex nanny in question, worked for us until my son was 16, when we decided that both kids were self sufficient enough to stay home by themselves if we had to travel somewhere for a few days. now both kids are almost grown and i have been named ceo of my husband's company because he has been suffering from mobility issues and heart problems. his immune system is bad enough that now any type of minor cold turns into an issue where we have to worry about his heart and his lungs. we are dealing with the joy of our kids becoming kind and high achieving adults but are also dealing with grief from the fact that our kids now seem to have a whole separate life. my husband is also suffering from cognitive impairment problems, so i really think that we should savor any lucid moment we can have with our kids while we ( and especially he) still can. my son is approaching his milestone 21st birthday in a couple months and i have been planning to contract a party planner to organize a brunch party of sorts with family and close relatives and then afterwards we planned to pay for him and his friends to have a staycation at a local hotel. my son approached me today and said that he did not want a party and if i wanted to we could go out to eat for dinner and buy a cake, but that his ex nanny ( who is now 64) comes to town occasionally to visit her kids and he invited her to come up when she wished him an early happy birthday. he told me he was paying for her train ticket and was going to take her out to lunch and gifting her a bottle of wine or something. he also said he didn't want a staycation and can always see his friends to celebrate another day. to be honest, i was extremely hurt. i told him i wanted to plan a big 21st celebration for him and he said he wanted to celebrate with us too. now he's basically choosing somebody who isn't in his life over his parents. i called my son selfish and reminded him that we didn't know how long his dad had with us, or if he would be lucid for that time. my son got mad at me for pulling the " dad has a degenerative disease" card and stormed out, saying his mind is made up. my son goes to college in the city and lives in a nearby dorm but we don't see him very often, especially since his summer finance internship had him working crazy hours. and now even on special occasions he seems to be choosing others over me and his dad. aita? [/INST] yta. "help, the child i didn't raise at all for his entire life is choosing to spend his milestone moments with the person who did! what should i do?" </s>
AITA for ripping up something my son made because he did the same to his sister	so my 6 year old daughter gave my 8 year old son a piece of paper with a picture on it and he ripped it up and said “this means nothing to me.” right in her face and made her cry. so i grabbed a craft he made me yesterday (nothing sentimental and he didn’t work hard on it) and ripped it up and told him it meant nothing to me. he cried and ran to my wife and she told me i shouldn’t have done that and it’s different for a brother to be a jerk to their sister but i shouldn’t have stooped to his level but i feel like it was a needed lesson and he wouldn’t do it again because now he knows how it feels. aita?	8,832	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/deckav/aita_for_ripping_up_something_my_son_made_because/	2019-10-07 01:21:04	yta because it’s soooooo different coming from a parent vs sibling. there are different ways to help him see how his action made her feel. such as the next time she does something mean and hurtful (usually don’t have to wait long with siblings) comfort him but then remind him that she probably felt the same way when he did that to her. you say the craft you broke was something that wasn’t sentimental and didn’t work hard on- but that’s through your eyes. he’s an 8 year old and it’s probably a much bigger deal to him.	yta he was acting like a child because he is a child. why were you acting like a child?	yta sounds like he’s mirroring daddy’s behavior	yta! instead of teaching him that his behavior was wrong, you behaved the same way and hurt your child's feelings. this is cruel, and you're setting a terrible example for your kids.	yta -you are presumably and adult man and your child is 8. standards of behaviour are a tad different	yta. as a parent, you're supposed to be the mature one. you should've taught him that lesson in a less immature way..	yta. you need to do some reading before you damage your kids. that was an awful thing to do and a really fucking terrible way to teach a lesson	yta - so hurting people is ok as long as you are making a point? cause that's what you told him right now. that being a jackass is ok, as long as you are the one in power. that's some bad parenting	eh, i'm a little torn on this one. but i'm going to go with a more extreme situation and see if you still think that doing to him what he did to his sister is the right tactic... what if he hit his sister, punched her right in the face, is punching him in the face the right way to teach him that hitting is wrong? if you did it, he would certainly know how his little sister felt, is that the only way to teach him that? i understand your reasoning, but i also don't think you put a lot of thought into it before you did it, and i think you are here looking for validation after the fact. yta.	nta. when i was a kid some 40 years ago i broke something of my sister's because i was a little shit. my mom said, "ok, we'll break something of yours." i was immediately terrified and hid the teapot my grandmother had given me. it drove home the message that i had no right to break something that belonged to someone else. i don't find my mom's lesson cruel or over-the-top. i've remembered it to this day: respect the objects owned by other people. i think her lesson had a good effect; sometimes kids need to get a direct message to learn something.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	NTA	0.024	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: so my 6 year old daughter gave my 8 year old son a piece of paper with a picture on it and he ripped it up and said “this means nothing to me.” right in her face and made her cry. so i grabbed a craft he made me yesterday (nothing sentimental and he didn’t work hard on it) and ripped it up and told him it meant nothing to me. he cried and ran to my wife and she told me i shouldn’t have done that and it’s different for a brother to be a jerk to their sister but i shouldn’t have stooped to his level but i feel like it was a needed lesson and he wouldn’t do it again because now he knows how it feels. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> so my 6 year old daughter gave my 8 year old son a piece of paper with a picture on it and he ripped it up and said “this means nothing to me.” right in her face and made her cry. so i grabbed a craft he made me yesterday (nothing sentimental and he didn’t work hard on it) and ripped it up and told him it meant nothing to me. he cried and ran to my wife and she told me i shouldn’t have done that and it’s different for a brother to be a jerk to their sister but i shouldn’t have stooped to his level but i feel like it was a needed lesson and he wouldn’t do it again because now he knows how it feels. aita? [/INST] yta because it’s soooooo different coming from a parent vs sibling. there are different ways to help him see how his action made her feel. such as the next time she does something mean and hurtful (usually don’t have to wait long with siblings) comfort him but then remind him that she probably felt the same way when he did that to her. you say the craft you broke was something that wasn’t sentimental and didn’t work hard on- but that’s through your eyes. he’s an 8 year old and it’s probably a much bigger deal to him. </s>
AITA for bringing my garden with me when I moved?	i f(25) have been renting a house since i was 18 (7 years). when i moved in, the backyard was a large piece of dirt, no lawn or anything, just a decently big backyard with a fence all around. it was a cheap but not great house, but i signed because i wanted the backyard space. over the past few years i erected a small garden shed, greenhouse and pizza oven (transportables), planted lots of veggie gardens in big transportable garden beds, and put down some nice pavers, an aquaponics set up, and generally made the backyard a really green and beautiful place to be. it became the green oasis all my friends gathered at. a few months ago, my landlords let me know they were planning to sell, and my final move out day was a week ago. when i left, i brought my garden with me to my new place - nothing in my last backyard was directly planed into the ground, and nothing permanent. i dismantled the sheds and greenhouse, loaded up all the pots and garden beds onto a truck and cleared the backyard in three days with lots of help. my former landlords are furious over this, and demand that i return the backyard to the former state - apparently they’d listed the house for sale with pictures of the backyard and potential buyers were walking away from the house when they saw the barren backyard. they’re accusing me of stealing their plants, and wrecking the backyard. legally i’m fine - my contract said i could garden, and i have photos from the first real estate walkthrough before i moved in that show that the backyard was in the same state as i first found it (although with more fertile soil now probably). the same real estate agent signed off my final inspection, and i got my deposit back. i’ve received mixed responses though, because i saw the landlords taking pictures of my backyard before i left but didn’t make the connection because imho when pictures of a house has furniture in it, you don’t expect to also get free furniture. some of my coworkers suggested that iata because the house valuation certainly has fallen dramatically because i didn’t tell them i was taking my garden with me, so they couldn’t plan to landscape before lockdown hit. tl;dr aita for moving my garden that i build from my former rental house into my new house, upsetting my former landlords who didn’t expect me to take it with me?	29,744	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hbdi4l/aita_for_bringing_my_garden_with_me_when_i_moved/	2020-06-18 12:17:17	nta. this is a very classic story of landlord trying to benefit of home improvements paid for by the tenant. if your landlord was honest, he would have asked you how much you wanted to leave the garden as it was. you owe him nothing.	nta not at all. if the owners want the garden looking nice they pay up and put in the effort themselves. their house value is not your responsibility and any decent landlord/owner will put money into a property after a longterm tenant has been there.	"how dare you take away plants and outdoor furniture that you paid for! now we won't get extra money for something we didn't buy and set up in the first place!" nta.	nta. they used your property as a selling point. that's not your fault. they can easily hire someone to do some planting.	nta. you invested your time, money, and energy into creating your space. i assume your landlord did not compensate you for your gardening activities. therefore they have no claim to your garden. they should’ve asked you whether you’d be leaving your garden behind if they wanted to advertise their property properly. if i was in your position, i would also take the garden when i moved.	nta it's all temporary structures you paid for and can take with you. the landlord is just salty because he tried to pull a fast one and it didn't work. it reminds me of that story of the company that was asked to leave their premises and the landlord listed the building as 'ready to move in, just rebrand' and the company ripped out everything they'd installed and sold the goods to help pay wages during the current situation. tbh i'd love to see this written in a revenge subreddit	i can kinda see how they have have presumed that the garden was staying - i think people see gardens as being quite permanent, instead of being transient and changing. and, because it’s looked so green for so long, they might have forgotten the state of the backyard beforehand, so the shock might have been a jolt. that said, nta, because you literally own everything you took with you.	nta fuck i was hoping you literally took the backyard with you tho	nta i've rented for years, and like you have always ensured that any additions to the garden are temporary so that they could move with me. your crappy landlord could have easily asked/and paid you to leave your stuff behind (if you had been agreeable)	nta your landlord and coworkers are assholes. it's your property, they have no right to it. trying to sell the property with the additions you made is so pathetic.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i f(25) have been renting a house since i was 18 (7 years). when i moved in, the backyard was a large piece of dirt, no lawn or anything, just a decently big backyard with a fence all around. it was a cheap but not great house, but i signed because i wanted the backyard space. over the past few years i erected a small garden shed, greenhouse and pizza oven (transportables), planted lots of veggie gardens in big transportable garden beds, and put down some nice pavers, an aquaponics set up, and generally made the backyard a really green and beautiful place to be. it became the green oasis all my friends gathered at. a few months ago, my landlords let me know they were planning to sell, and my final move out day was a week ago. when i left, i brought my garden with me to my new place - nothing in my last backyard was directly planed into the ground, and nothing permanent. i dismantled the sheds and greenhouse, loaded up all the pots and garden beds onto a truck and cleared the backyard in three days with lots of help. my former landlords are furious over this, and demand that i return the backyard to the former state - apparently they’d listed the house for sale with pictures of the backyard and potential buyers were walking away from the house when they saw the barren backyard. they’re accusing me of stealing their plants, and wrecking the backyard. legally i’m fine - my contract said i could garden, and i have photos from the first real estate walkthrough before i moved in that show that the backyard was in the same state as i first found it (although with more fertile soil now probably). the same real estate agent signed off my final inspection, and i got my deposit back. i’ve received mixed responses though, because i saw the landlords taking pictures of my backyard before i left but didn’t make the connection because imho when pictures of a house has furniture in it, you don’t expect to also get free furniture. some of my coworkers suggested that iata because the house valuation certainly has fallen dramatically because i didn’t tell them i was taking my garden with me, so they couldn’t plan to landscape before lockdown hit. tl;dr aita for moving my garden that i build from my former rental house into my new house, upsetting my former landlords who didn’t expect me to take it with me?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i f(25) have been renting a house since i was 18 (7 years). when i moved in, the backyard was a large piece of dirt, no lawn or anything, just a decently big backyard with a fence all around. it was a cheap but not great house, but i signed because i wanted the backyard space. over the past few years i erected a small garden shed, greenhouse and pizza oven (transportables), planted lots of veggie gardens in big transportable garden beds, and put down some nice pavers, an aquaponics set up, and generally made the backyard a really green and beautiful place to be. it became the green oasis all my friends gathered at. a few months ago, my landlords let me know they were planning to sell, and my final move out day was a week ago. when i left, i brought my garden with me to my new place - nothing in my last backyard was directly planed into the ground, and nothing permanent. i dismantled the sheds and greenhouse, loaded up all the pots and garden beds onto a truck and cleared the backyard in three days with lots of help. my former landlords are furious over this, and demand that i return the backyard to the former state - apparently they’d listed the house for sale with pictures of the backyard and potential buyers were walking away from the house when they saw the barren backyard. they’re accusing me of stealing their plants, and wrecking the backyard. legally i’m fine - my contract said i could garden, and i have photos from the first real estate walkthrough before i moved in that show that the backyard was in the same state as i first found it (although with more fertile soil now probably). the same real estate agent signed off my final inspection, and i got my deposit back. i’ve received mixed responses though, because i saw the landlords taking pictures of my backyard before i left but didn’t make the connection because imho when pictures of a house has furniture in it, you don’t expect to also get free furniture. some of my coworkers suggested that iata because the house valuation certainly has fallen dramatically because i didn’t tell them i was taking my garden with me, so they couldn’t plan to landscape before lockdown hit. tl;dr aita for moving my garden that i build from my former rental house into my new house, upsetting my former landlords who didn’t expect me to take it with me? [/INST] nta. this is a very classic story of landlord trying to benefit of home improvements paid for by the tenant. if your landlord was honest, he would have asked you how much you wanted to leave the garden as it was. you owe him nothing. </s>
AITA for making my kids pay for part of our family vacation?	my family and i hosted an exchange student from prague a couple of years ago. last fall, his family offered for us to visit and stay in their flat in prague. i researched airfares and asked my two kids if they would be willing to pay $1000 each to cover their airfare. at first, they declined but subsequently agreed. they are 16 (twins) and have summer jobs. they each already had enough in savings to cover the cost. we are a middle class family (maybe more towards lower-middle class). my wife has a disability so we are a single-income family. we travel for vacations occasionally and i have never asked my kids to contribute to a vacation before. the airfare turned out to be $775 each. when i let my kids know this, i was surprised that my daughter was nearly in tears. her recollection was that i had told her the airfare was $375. this is the cost for the return airfare - i don't know where the miscommunication came in. she is very fastidious with her money and this extra cost really upset her. i explained that the original amount i told them was $1000 and that this was a deal. i told her that she would have to pay the $775 or that she could not go. if i offered her a reduced fare, i would have to do the same for her brother. the trip would then cost me an extra $800. my wife says that iata because parents shouldn't charge their kids to go on vacation. a couple of her friends went to europe with their families when they were teenagers and they didn't have to contribute financially. i feel that we wouldn't get to go otherwise and that most kids don't get to travel to europe. reddit - what say ye?	3,409	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ckx9cg/aita_for_making_my_kids_pay_for_part_of_our/	2019-08-02 01:11:47	yta based on age. high school kids shouldn't have to pay for a family vacation out of their savings! let them save that money for college.	yta. if you cant afford that huge trip... dont go?	yta for making children pay for a holiday. i get that they have dinner jobs, but those are usually considered to be for their own fun (shopping, video games, etc), for something they consider essential (laptops, phones, etc), or, and this is important, college savings. i doubt that you're paying for college given that you won't even take your own family on holiday, so what do you expect your children to do about that? it's hard for a teenager to save $1,000, let alone the cost of an entire education. your scheme here will see them both back where they started at the beginning of their savings. if you can't afford prague, then don't go.	yta - if it's a family vacation, parents pay. they are 16, not 26.	yta and here's why. your daughter is at an age where she is still going to feel very much left out of the family vacation if she can't go. she's not an adult who can take vacations in her own or with her so and choose not to go with the family. she's not in her own house with her own adult life while you're all in europe without her. she's sitting in the family home alone being excluded. or you don't exclude her but no one goes. then your 16 year old has ruined it for everyone, and she had to live with that. your kids should not have to pay you to be included in family life. and they shouldn't be blackmailed into spending their own money because "if you don't go, no one can go."	yta. if it’s a “family vacation,” parents should pay. if it’s every man for himself, don’t disguise it as a family vacation. you’re essentially saying “im going to prague, and if you’re willing to sacrifice your savings, you can tag along.” that’s not how family should work.	yta. who makes their kids pay for a family vacation? weird.	yta it's a family vacation and they're 16 kids don't pay for vacation period.	yta your kids are minors. you're expecting too much from them at their age and it kind of seems a bit greedy for you to want them to spend their savings or be left out. you should be proud of them for being able to save like that, and encourage them to keep it for something important (like a car, or college). being left out of a family vacation would have been terribly hurtful and upsetting to me at that age, and i would've felt pressured to do it-even if i didn't want to. a more fair deal would be to pay their airfare and have them contribute to their spending money, but you are asking for too much. i'm sure they feel like they don't really have a choice in the matter.	yta no shit she's crying, you're stressing them both out by basically saying, "pay $1000 or get left behind when we visit our friend." and of course she misheard because that's an awfully jarring thing to hear from your parents all of a sudden on top of a job, school, maybe eventually going on to a trade or college. i assume a large part of her didn't want that information to be true. if it was a class trip or a gap year that they themselves planned as an actual vacation, it would be not the asshole, but that's barely even a vacation. they're presumably around the foreign exchange students age, and are probably better if not just as good friends with them as you are. the vacation time is just a bonus to being able to visit someone they'll have a connection with for the rest of their life, and you want to make it one of the most stressful and sudden experiences of their life when they learn, "oh shit, apparently 18-20 isn't the time to grow up, my parents say it's now." on top of that, you mention they already had $1000 as savings. why are you making them cut out of their already made savings so you can save your own money to visit someone who was a child when you met them and is probably much closer to your own children than they are (the exchange student) to you? did you maybe think they're saving so they can develop their own life and create their own opportunities in their own country without suddenly having to worry about missing the experience of a life time or giving that up? yeah, you're right most kids don't get to travel to europe, but most kids these days don't have enough money saved to live even close to debt-free either and you're just dangling these two entirely different choices in front of their faces for no reason other than to save some money in your own already established and semi-wealthy pocket.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my family and i hosted an exchange student from prague a couple of years ago. last fall, his family offered for us to visit and stay in their flat in prague. i researched airfares and asked my two kids if they would be willing to pay $1000 each to cover their airfare. at first, they declined but subsequently agreed. they are 16 (twins) and have summer jobs. they each already had enough in savings to cover the cost. we are a middle class family (maybe more towards lower-middle class). my wife has a disability so we are a single-income family. we travel for vacations occasionally and i have never asked my kids to contribute to a vacation before. the airfare turned out to be $775 each. when i let my kids know this, i was surprised that my daughter was nearly in tears. her recollection was that i had told her the airfare was $375. this is the cost for the return airfare - i don't know where the miscommunication came in. she is very fastidious with her money and this extra cost really upset her. i explained that the original amount i told them was $1000 and that this was a deal. i told her that she would have to pay the $775 or that she could not go. if i offered her a reduced fare, i would have to do the same for her brother. the trip would then cost me an extra $800. my wife says that iata because parents shouldn't charge their kids to go on vacation. a couple of her friends went to europe with their families when they were teenagers and they didn't have to contribute financially. i feel that we wouldn't get to go otherwise and that most kids don't get to travel to europe. reddit - what say ye?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my family and i hosted an exchange student from prague a couple of years ago. last fall, his family offered for us to visit and stay in their flat in prague. i researched airfares and asked my two kids if they would be willing to pay $1000 each to cover their airfare. at first, they declined but subsequently agreed. they are 16 (twins) and have summer jobs. they each already had enough in savings to cover the cost. we are a middle class family (maybe more towards lower-middle class). my wife has a disability so we are a single-income family. we travel for vacations occasionally and i have never asked my kids to contribute to a vacation before. the airfare turned out to be $775 each. when i let my kids know this, i was surprised that my daughter was nearly in tears. her recollection was that i had told her the airfare was $375. this is the cost for the return airfare - i don't know where the miscommunication came in. she is very fastidious with her money and this extra cost really upset her. i explained that the original amount i told them was $1000 and that this was a deal. i told her that she would have to pay the $775 or that she could not go. if i offered her a reduced fare, i would have to do the same for her brother. the trip would then cost me an extra $800. my wife says that iata because parents shouldn't charge their kids to go on vacation. a couple of her friends went to europe with their families when they were teenagers and they didn't have to contribute financially. i feel that we wouldn't get to go otherwise and that most kids don't get to travel to europe. reddit - what say ye? [/INST] yta based on age. high school kids shouldn't have to pay for a family vacation out of their savings! let them save that money for college. </s>
AITA for telling my son to get over it?	english is not my first language my wife and i tried for a baby for a long time but couldn't have one. we finally decided to adopt and we adopted a 12 years old boy, jared(fake name). we weren't in a good financial situation but we tried to do our best. 4 years after that we had a daughter, jada. a few years after that i got a very good job. we were able to provide a very comfortable life for jada. also i admit that as jared was our first child we had no idea how to be parents and we were more strict like early curfews, being a little overprotective and things like that but with jada we had more exprience and didn't make those mistakes. now jared is 30 and jada is 14. jared keeps complaining about how unfair it is that jada has a better life. we apologized and told him we wish we could give him a better life but things were different back then. today he was at our home and jada was telling him about her boyfriend and he said "you have a boyfriend? i wasn't allowed to have a girlfriend when i was your age." then she told him about our trip and he told me "you take her to trips? you never treated me like this. guess we know who your favorite is" i just got mad and told him "can't you just be happy for your sister? stop acting like a kid you are 30. yes i couldn't afford trips back then just get over it." he called me an asshole and left. jada is on my side and thinks he was being childish but my wife said i'm the asshole and should apologize	5,710	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xbgsnq/aita_for_telling_my_son_to_get_over_it/	2022-09-11 12:03:33	yta. why didn’t you include him in this trip? you need to be more sensitive to your older son’s feelings instead of calling him names and telling him to get over it. sounds like you definitely favor your bio daughter over your adopted son, and he knows it.	soft yta "just get over it" has "man up" vibes, remind him that you choose him, maybe arrange some stuff for you to do with him. yes your circumstances have changed, yes you can give your daughter the life you want to, doesn't stop your son feeling the way he feels.	yta. you shouldn't have adopted a kid when you were in a bad financial position. and you should have read some parenting books or something. you don't just get to adopt a kid and then toss him out like a practice pancake.	did you invite your son on the trip? or perhaps save up to send him on one of his own? yta regardless, for dismissing his frustration because "he's 30". you caused the feelings of inadequacy. just because you didn't have the money then doesn't mean you shouldn't make an attempt to treat him equally now. i completely understand where he's coming from... seeing the younger sibling get spoiled after being raised by strict, financially struggling parents sucks. it's not his fault you weren't ready to be parents. you do owe him an apology... and probably a lot of money for the therapy he needs.	i dunno, i don't think that not letting your son date at the same age that you're letting your daughter date now has anything to do with how much money you're making. you have a favorite child--a do-over child, if you'd rather call her that. of course that's permanently impacted how jared sees you.	yta. you're his parent but acting like he was a placeholder. his resentment is, if rude, normal and justified. you could have and should have handled this better..	yta. wow op. everything about this screams an attempt to conceal favourite child vibes. he's not happy for his sister because he was never treated like this. all this early curfew and overprotection sounds like you either became a parent with no prior knowledge, which is very irresponsible, or worse, that you're concealing a favourite child dynamic. and now you've acted extremely dismissive of your son. your son felt very mistreated and instead of addressing the issue, you waved it off in favour of ignoring and mistreating your son even more. you're absolutely the asshole here.	yta you definitely favor your bio kid more than your adopted one.	yta. not because your financial circumstances changed. but because it sounds like you were really controlling and overbearing with your oldest and haven’t sufficiently apologized. and when he lashes out, you invalidate his experience.	yta & it seems your raised your daughter into a brat. she knew damn well what she was doing that’s why she’s agreeing with you.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	null	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: english is not my first language my wife and i tried for a baby for a long time but couldn't have one. we finally decided to adopt and we adopted a 12 years old boy, jared(fake name). we weren't in a good financial situation but we tried to do our best. 4 years after that we had a daughter, jada. a few years after that i got a very good job. we were able to provide a very comfortable life for jada. also i admit that as jared was our first child we had no idea how to be parents and we were more strict like early curfews, being a little overprotective and things like that but with jada we had more exprience and didn't make those mistakes. now jared is 30 and jada is 14. jared keeps complaining about how unfair it is that jada has a better life. we apologized and told him we wish we could give him a better life but things were different back then. today he was at our home and jada was telling him about her boyfriend and he said "you have a boyfriend? i wasn't allowed to have a girlfriend when i was your age." then she told him about our trip and he told me "you take her to trips? you never treated me like this. guess we know who your favorite is" i just got mad and told him "can't you just be happy for your sister? stop acting like a kid you are 30. yes i couldn't afford trips back then just get over it." he called me an asshole and left. jada is on my side and thinks he was being childish but my wife said i'm the asshole and should apologize	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> english is not my first language my wife and i tried for a baby for a long time but couldn't have one. we finally decided to adopt and we adopted a 12 years old boy, jared(fake name). we weren't in a good financial situation but we tried to do our best. 4 years after that we had a daughter, jada. a few years after that i got a very good job. we were able to provide a very comfortable life for jada. also i admit that as jared was our first child we had no idea how to be parents and we were more strict like early curfews, being a little overprotective and things like that but with jada we had more exprience and didn't make those mistakes. now jared is 30 and jada is 14. jared keeps complaining about how unfair it is that jada has a better life. we apologized and told him we wish we could give him a better life but things were different back then. today he was at our home and jada was telling him about her boyfriend and he said "you have a boyfriend? i wasn't allowed to have a girlfriend when i was your age." then she told him about our trip and he told me "you take her to trips? you never treated me like this. guess we know who your favorite is" i just got mad and told him "can't you just be happy for your sister? stop acting like a kid you are 30. yes i couldn't afford trips back then just get over it." he called me an asshole and left. jada is on my side and thinks he was being childish but my wife said i'm the asshole and should apologize [/INST] yta. why didn’t you include him in this trip? you need to be more sensitive to your older son’s feelings instead of calling him names and telling him to get over it. sounds like you definitely favor your bio daughter over your adopted son, and he knows it. </s>
AITA For telling my adopted sister to go back to her true family?	throwaway because my parents use reddit and know my reddit account. i know how the title sounds, but if you are not willing to read the full post before commenting then don’t comment at all. your perspective about this situation might change. being the only child in the family was awesome. i got to have my own room, friends, ipad, etc… which am now obligated to share with my so called sister (yes, even friends). they adopted her 1 year ago for a reason i till now fail to understand but i strongly believe it’s because i was not good enough for them. i’m really hurt because they never ever asked me if i want another sibling. i just had to accept the fact that i suddenly have a younger sister and should now share everything i have with her and treat her as part of the family. how am i supposed to do that? i can’t just start feeling close to her. and the fact that i am forced to involve her in all my plans infuriates me and makes me hate her even more. today my friends and i decided to challenge ourselves to stay awake all day by doing many different sort of things that will keep us from getting bored. obviously since we share the same room my sister heard this and told me she would like to join the activity. i was honestly hoping i could finally do something without her but of course she had to ruin it. i told her no and she said she is going to tell my parents about it. i then got mad and told her to get the fuck out of my house and go back to her biological family (excuse my language), her voice then changed and she told me she doesn’t know where they are but i told her to shut the fuck up (again excuse my language) and not get emotional with me because i really had it with her. she left the room and i started crying because of how stressed she makes me but realized i should whip my tears fast because my parents can’t see me like this. otherwise, they will believe my adopted sisters words and i’ll get punished for it. she obviously told them but i denied what i said. i normally don’t lie so they believed my words and are now talking to her, obviously without being harsh and will still not punish her because god forbid they treat my adopted sister wrongly. aita for the way i reacted? also, i’m not sure if i get to have this option, but i would like for auto mod not to copy my post in case i edit or delete. thank you. final edit before leaving wow. i am back after 7 hours and this happened. ok guys i got it, i am the asshole. no need for more yta comments or face palm/poop awards to let me know that what i did was wrong. also regarding the auto mod, the mods responded and told me they will not remove it so calm down. i won’t delete the post so you no longer need to upvote automod. this is embarrassing. also regarding the pms, i now reached 500 and might not be reading them. if you actually wrote something nice then i am sorry i didn’t get to respond.	16,449	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gcoc8s/aita_for_telling_my_adopted_sister_to_go_back_to/	2020-05-03 10:24:37	yta i'd like auto mod to permanently archive this post and it's contents so that it never leaves the internet.	yta. grow the fuck up. obviously i don’t understand the whole situation. and yes i can understand it must be very difficult to have your life changed like that with no input. but she is literally just trying to find a family, and make friends. she just wants someone she can connect with and she’s trying to do that with you. there are any number of reasons someone adopts a child, and it is rarely if ever because they aren’t happy with their current child. but even if that is the case you don’t take it out on her. if you have problems bring them up like a mature, reasonable person with your parents. don’t attack someone innocent in this whole situation with the cruelest thing you could possibly say.	^^^^automod *the following is a copy of the above post. this comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/amitheasshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2fr%2famitheasshole)* throwaway because my parents use reddit and know my reddit account. i know how the title sounds, but if you are not willing to read the full post before commenting then don’t comment at all. your perspective about this situation might change. being the only child in the family was awesome. i got to have my own room, friends, ipad, etc… which am now obligated to share with my so called sister (yes, even friends). they adopted her 1 year ago for a reason i till now fail to understand but i strongly believe it’s because i was not good enough for them. i’m really hurt because they never ever asked me if i want another sibling. i just had to accept the fact that i suddenly have a younger sister and should now share everything i have with her and treat her as part of the family. how am i supposed to do that? i can’t just start feeling close to her. and the fact that i am forced to involve her in all my plans infuriates me and makes me hate her even more. today my friends and i decided to challenge ourselves to stay awake all day by doing many different sort of things that will keep us from getting bored. obviously since we share the same room my sister heard this and told me she would like to join the activity. i was honestly hoping i could finally do something without her but of course she had to ruin it. i told her no and she said she is going to tell my parents about it. i then got mad and told her to get the fuck out of my house and go back to her biological family (excuse my language), her voice then changed and she told me she doesn’t know where they are but i told her to shut the fuck up (again excuse my language) and not get emotional with me because i really had it with her. she left the room and i started crying because of how stressed she makes me but realized i should whip my tears fast because my parents can’t see me like this. otherwise, they will believe my adopted sisters words and i’ll get punished for it. she obviously told them but i denied what i said. i normally don’t lie so they believed my words and are now talking to her, obviously without being harsh and will still not punish her because god forbid they treat my adopted sister wrongly. aita for the way i reacted? also, i’m not sure if i get to have this option, but i would like for auto mod not to copy my post in case i edit or delete. thank you. i am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/amitheasshole) if you have any questions or concerns.	esh, apart from your sister. you're being a massive ah towards her, but honestly i can understand why. your parents have done an awful job of making sure you're happy with this and it's clear you've got unresolved issues adjusting. . however, don't take it out on your adopted sister because it's not your fault. talk to your parents. it's completely normal to have difficulty adjusting to something like this, and to want your own space. it's ok to not do everything with her, but don't blow up about it, just say you'd rather not. if your parents insist you need to make them understand that you need your own things to do.	yta. you're the entire colon.	yta. reading the entire post was not necessary but out of fairness i did and wow, just wow....	yta. how sorry i feel for your sister oh my god, she must feel horrible. of course there are many, many other reasons to adopt a child without the fact that "our only child isn't good enough for us". it's a drastic change but with how you're feeling and taking it out on her? that comment about finding her parents was a real low blow.	esh except your little sister. it's clear that your parents haven't made a proper attempt to help form a connection between you and your sister and haven't properly reassured you that you are loved and enough. i'm unsure how old you are, but you sound very young which is impacting my opinion. your behaviour is wrong, though. you feel rejected by your parents but your sister was literally abandonned. and now the family she has is telling her to fuck off. it's not fair that your life has been changed drastically, your parents need to allow you space. but your sister is your sister now. it isnt her fault any of this is happening.	yta she's adopted and might already feel like a stranger that's why she tried to force herself in activities with you, in order to feel closer to you. also, your language is not excusable, it'll leave a scar on her and then you denying what you said in front of your parents and putting the blame on her, worsens the situation. you could have at least owned up to it and confronted your parents instead of taking it on your now sister.	[removed]	YTA	YTA	null	ESH	YTA	YTA	YTA	ESH	YTA	null	0.003383	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: throwaway because my parents use reddit and know my reddit account. i know how the title sounds, but if you are not willing to read the full post before commenting then don’t comment at all. your perspective about this situation might change. being the only child in the family was awesome. i got to have my own room, friends, ipad, etc… which am now obligated to share with my so called sister (yes, even friends). they adopted her 1 year ago for a reason i till now fail to understand but i strongly believe it’s because i was not good enough for them. i’m really hurt because they never ever asked me if i want another sibling. i just had to accept the fact that i suddenly have a younger sister and should now share everything i have with her and treat her as part of the family. how am i supposed to do that? i can’t just start feeling close to her. and the fact that i am forced to involve her in all my plans infuriates me and makes me hate her even more. today my friends and i decided to challenge ourselves to stay awake all day by doing many different sort of things that will keep us from getting bored. obviously since we share the same room my sister heard this and told me she would like to join the activity. i was honestly hoping i could finally do something without her but of course she had to ruin it. i told her no and she said she is going to tell my parents about it. i then got mad and told her to get the fuck out of my house and go back to her biological family (excuse my language), her voice then changed and she told me she doesn’t know where they are but i told her to shut the fuck up (again excuse my language) and not get emotional with me because i really had it with her. she left the room and i started crying because of how stressed she makes me but realized i should whip my tears fast because my parents can’t see me like this. otherwise, they will believe my adopted sisters words and i’ll get punished for it. she obviously told them but i denied what i said. i normally don’t lie so they believed my words and are now talking to her, obviously without being harsh and will still not punish her because god forbid they treat my adopted sister wrongly. aita for the way i reacted? also, i’m not sure if i get to have this option, but i would like for auto mod not to copy my post in case i edit or delete. thank you. final edit before leaving wow. i am back after 7 hours and this happened. ok guys i got it, i am the asshole. no need for more yta comments or face palm/poop awards to let me know that what i did was wrong. also regarding the auto mod, the mods responded and told me they will not remove it so calm down. i won’t delete the post so you no longer need to upvote automod. this is embarrassing. also regarding the pms, i now reached 500 and might not be reading them. if you actually wrote something nice then i am sorry i didn’t get to respond.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> throwaway because my parents use reddit and know my reddit account. i know how the title sounds, but if you are not willing to read the full post before commenting then don’t comment at all. your perspective about this situation might change. being the only child in the family was awesome. i got to have my own room, friends, ipad, etc… which am now obligated to share with my so called sister (yes, even friends). they adopted her 1 year ago for a reason i till now fail to understand but i strongly believe it’s because i was not good enough for them. i’m really hurt because they never ever asked me if i want another sibling. i just had to accept the fact that i suddenly have a younger sister and should now share everything i have with her and treat her as part of the family. how am i supposed to do that? i can’t just start feeling close to her. and the fact that i am forced to involve her in all my plans infuriates me and makes me hate her even more. today my friends and i decided to challenge ourselves to stay awake all day by doing many different sort of things that will keep us from getting bored. obviously since we share the same room my sister heard this and told me she would like to join the activity. i was honestly hoping i could finally do something without her but of course she had to ruin it. i told her no and she said she is going to tell my parents about it. i then got mad and told her to get the fuck out of my house and go back to her biological family (excuse my language), her voice then changed and she told me she doesn’t know where they are but i told her to shut the fuck up (again excuse my language) and not get emotional with me because i really had it with her. she left the room and i started crying because of how stressed she makes me but realized i should whip my tears fast because my parents can’t see me like this. otherwise, they will believe my adopted sisters words and i’ll get punished for it. she obviously told them but i denied what i said. i normally don’t lie so they believed my words and are now talking to her, obviously without being harsh and will still not punish her because god forbid they treat my adopted sister wrongly. aita for the way i reacted? also, i’m not sure if i get to have this option, but i would like for auto mod not to copy my post in case i edit or delete. thank you. final edit before leaving wow. i am back after 7 hours and this happened. ok guys i got it, i am the asshole. no need for more yta comments or face palm/poop awards to let me know that what i did was wrong. also regarding the auto mod, the mods responded and told me they will not remove it so calm down. i won’t delete the post so you no longer need to upvote automod. this is embarrassing. also regarding the pms, i now reached 500 and might not be reading them. if you actually wrote something nice then i am sorry i didn’t get to respond. [/INST] yta i'd like auto mod to permanently archive this post and it's contents so that it never leaves the internet. </s>
AITA for asking my girlfriend to stop smiling so widely for photos?	i (43m) met a woman (34f) online several months ago. we began talking and we really it off. she's a really pretty woman, but she does have a slight flaw to her physical appearance; she has a bad case of tmj which makes it so that when she gives a big smile one side of her mouth curls up into a huge grin while the other side basically stays still. every selfie we've taken together has her looking like this. while i absolutely accept that this is just a condition she has i wish she would do what she can to make it less noticeable. we've recently started talking about becoming engaged. both of our sets of parents are ecstatic since they both apparently thought that grandkids weren't happening from either of us. but when the subject of engagement photos came up i told her that she should not smile quite so broadly so as to let her true, natural beauty shine through. she got really, really angry at this and said that the curled up lip on one side \is\ her natural beauty, since it's her. she said that she isn't even sure if marrying me is a good idea. i'm the youngest of four kids in my family and the only boy. my father (71m) when he heard about his told me that "it was no wonder that none of my relationships have worked out through all these years" and that i need to apologize to her and beg her forgiveness. my mother (67f) said that i should have been nicer but that she understands. i know all of this sounds bad but i just really want her to be at her best. that's not for my sake, but for her's.	17,369	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ki6b0l/aita_for_asking_my_girlfriend_to_stop_smiling_so/	2020-12-22 14:26:20	yta- >i know all of this sounds bad but i just really want her to be at her best. that's not for my sake, but for her's. liar. your gf isn't uncomfortable with her smile. it actually sounds like she likes it. you are the one who is embarrassed. what would be best for her sake is if she didn't marry you because you put perfect photos ahead of her happiness.	yta and most likely will be single again real soon.	yta-your having an issue with how she is smiling? and from a medical condition no less omg kind reditor tysm for my very first award this absolutely made my day!!!	yta- you should never, ever do that! apologise right now. her smile is her natural beauty and if you’re offended by the pictures, she deserves better. you’re 43 years old and you should know better.	if you want her to be her best then let her smile however she wants. your dad is 100% correct and you are a huge asshole. yta.	yta. was already wary of you for having a 9 year age difference in your relationship. now you're dating a woman a practically a decade younger than you, who has probably been very self conscious of this aspect of her physical appearance, and instead of the "love of her life" accepting and supporting her he's worried about what their pictures will look like. yta. yta. yta!!!!!!!!!	>while i absolutely accept that this is just a condition she has i wish she would do what she can to make it less noticeable. accepting it means not trying to change it. you can't have it both ways. yta	yta. i'm genuinely worried for you and your future prospects for marriage. what is the big deal with the way she smiles? does it really bother you so much that you felt the need to say something? this is so incredibly selfish of you and i completely agree with your father.	yta. i'm not even sure it's worth taking the time to explain why to you, since if you really can't figure it out on your own, odds are you're just trolling. but on the .01% chance you are somehow genuinely clueless...her "true, natural beauty" is her true, natural expressions. you want her to tamp down her happiness because you don't find it aesthetically pleasing? if i were her, i'd be rethinking signing up for a lifetime of that, too. > my father (71m) when he heard about his told me that "it was no wonder that none of my relationships have worked out through all these years" well, nice to know this toxic attitude isn't inherited, at least.	yta. i would be surprised if she still married you. your father is 100 percent correct in his assessment. you're 43 dude... you really don't know why this was an asshole thing to say to her? you don't deserve to have a relationship with this wonderful woman. i hope she leaves you.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i (43m) met a woman (34f) online several months ago. we began talking and we really it off. she's a really pretty woman, but she does have a slight flaw to her physical appearance; she has a bad case of tmj which makes it so that when she gives a big smile one side of her mouth curls up into a huge grin while the other side basically stays still. every selfie we've taken together has her looking like this. while i absolutely accept that this is just a condition she has i wish she would do what she can to make it less noticeable. we've recently started talking about becoming engaged. both of our sets of parents are ecstatic since they both apparently thought that grandkids weren't happening from either of us. but when the subject of engagement photos came up i told her that she should not smile quite so broadly so as to let her true, natural beauty shine through. she got really, really angry at this and said that the curled up lip on one side \is\ her natural beauty, since it's her. she said that she isn't even sure if marrying me is a good idea. i'm the youngest of four kids in my family and the only boy. my father (71m) when he heard about his told me that "it was no wonder that none of my relationships have worked out through all these years" and that i need to apologize to her and beg her forgiveness. my mother (67f) said that i should have been nicer but that she understands. i know all of this sounds bad but i just really want her to be at her best. that's not for my sake, but for her's.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i (43m) met a woman (34f) online several months ago. we began talking and we really it off. she's a really pretty woman, but she does have a slight flaw to her physical appearance; she has a bad case of tmj which makes it so that when she gives a big smile one side of her mouth curls up into a huge grin while the other side basically stays still. every selfie we've taken together has her looking like this. while i absolutely accept that this is just a condition she has i wish she would do what she can to make it less noticeable. we've recently started talking about becoming engaged. both of our sets of parents are ecstatic since they both apparently thought that grandkids weren't happening from either of us. but when the subject of engagement photos came up i told her that she should not smile quite so broadly so as to let her true, natural beauty shine through. she got really, really angry at this and said that the curled up lip on one side \is\ her natural beauty, since it's her. she said that she isn't even sure if marrying me is a good idea. i'm the youngest of four kids in my family and the only boy. my father (71m) when he heard about his told me that "it was no wonder that none of my relationships have worked out through all these years" and that i need to apologize to her and beg her forgiveness. my mother (67f) said that i should have been nicer but that she understands. i know all of this sounds bad but i just really want her to be at her best. that's not for my sake, but for her's. [/INST] yta- >i know all of this sounds bad but i just really want her to be at her best. that's not for my sake, but for her's. liar. your gf isn't uncomfortable with her smile. it actually sounds like she likes it. you are the one who is embarrassed. what would be best for her sake is if she didn't marry you because you put perfect photos ahead of her happiness. </s>
AITA for not donating my liver due to a lawsuit and the person died?	my (24m) partner's (23f) close friend and boss (50'sm) at the mechanic shop needed a liver transplant. they had been on the list for a while and getting nowhere. lots of us got tested and i was a match. we were all happy and thrilled that this direct donation could take place. a week before the surgery date, police showed up at our house to arrest my partner as her boss (person who was getting a piece of my liver) had accused her of theft. claimed she'd stolen thousands from his bank account and stolen from the cash box. the police showed us the cctv in which she reaches into the box, takes money and walks out of frame. 15 times, 15 days, 15 accusations. the police admitted they had no proof it was theft and no clue on the amounts taken as she used the box to take customers money and change. the police also said they didn't see how she accessed the bank accounts, and that they felt this was some sort of insurance fraud and they needed a scape goat. i immediately rang the hospital and my transplant coordinator and backed out of the surgery. we got on with our lives, partner found a new job and attended the court date where the case was thrown out 6 months later. a week after the case was dismissed, we got word boss had died. no one else had been a match or willing to get tested after news got out, and they never found a match in the transplant system in time. i feel so guilty. i allowed someone to die, pretty much murdered them. i let pettiness get in the way of saving a life. partner and friends feel i did the right thing, none of this is on me and not giving a piece of me to the person possibly putting my partner in prison for a long time, a week before surgery, is my choice and the right choice. bosses friends and family have been ringing non-stop, harassing us at our jobs and posting online a lot how i'm a murderer and killed boss. that i should have given the liver anyway and been a good person. i feel i should have given it, but who bites the hand that feeds? i didn't want to get cut open, risk dying and other complications for someone who didn't care for me and mine, but now someone is dead from something i could have prevented. i'm conflicted and losing sleep over this. aita for not giving my liver to the person accusing partner of theft and them later dying?	26,573	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hysbcq/aita_for_not_donating_my_liver_due_to_a_lawsuit/	2020-07-27 13:31:57	nta. you don't owe anybody your organs. the boss did not care about your family, he didn't try to get your partner's side of the story before calling the police. report them for harassment if they keep pestering you. hypothetically, even if your partner was stealing, the boss should have let it go. a transplant is priceless.	you are nta. her boss had put your partner's life/freedom in jeopardy at the same time as you were arranging to help extend his. (now, if the accusations were founded, you would still be nta, but it would be more of a n a h scenario). if you feel bad, go donate blood. save other lives.	nta, you were literally going to save his life and he went and tried to get your partner arrested. pretty fucked up to me, looks like he did it to himself.	nta and he did this to himself. he is dead because of his own choice to go after your partner. what person in their right mind presses charges against the partner of the person donating part of their liver? how did he think that was going to end? block his friends and family. move on with your life. you did the right thing.	that is not murder, it’s karma. nta	nta. while there might be some people who could forgive what your partner's boss did, i doubt too many of them would consent to go through with an organ transplant, either. your first duty is to your partner and you owe absolutely nothing to the person who falsely accused her of various felonies and threatened her with prison. to save himself, no doubt. your partner's ex-boss and friend tried to save himself by destroying someone else. no one 'deserves' to die, but all of us make choices that contribute to how we die and why. that sad, pathetic, and selfish man died because of his actions, not yours.	nta you were willing to give a part of your liver to a person who isn't even related to you. this person repays you by sending police to your house. even if they were concerned about theft, the least they could have done was talk to you in person before they officially report it. i get why you feel guilty, but don't. you offered a really selfless thing and as a thank you they came after your family.	nta. he's not dead because of you. he's dead because of his disease first and foremost, over which you had no control whatsoever and no obligation to cure for him, and secondly because of his shitty behavior trying to frame your spouse for an insurance fraud scheme. if he hadn't have had your spouse falsey arrested he would have got his transplant. you are under no obligation to save the life of someone who would abuse you and ruine your own life in a heartbeat without a care. this horrible man kinda got what he deserved.	nta “let me risk his life to save mine and throw his wife in jail while im at it”	nta jesus. having read your comment that it was his wife stealing the money - his wife did this. if he believed the accusation that it was your partner, he should have come to you directly first. i don't think this will make you feel any better. but everything happens for a reason. his time was up. it turns out that there was nothing you could do to change this. his wife might have made his life a misery if he'd survived. now she has to sit and live with herself. i'm so sorry, op. i think you and your partner should get a harassment order against the former boss' family, maybe even a defamation suit since you owe them nothing. and maybe get joint counselling over having someone do this to you. best wishes to you.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my (24m) partner's (23f) close friend and boss (50'sm) at the mechanic shop needed a liver transplant. they had been on the list for a while and getting nowhere. lots of us got tested and i was a match. we were all happy and thrilled that this direct donation could take place. a week before the surgery date, police showed up at our house to arrest my partner as her boss (person who was getting a piece of my liver) had accused her of theft. claimed she'd stolen thousands from his bank account and stolen from the cash box. the police showed us the cctv in which she reaches into the box, takes money and walks out of frame. 15 times, 15 days, 15 accusations. the police admitted they had no proof it was theft and no clue on the amounts taken as she used the box to take customers money and change. the police also said they didn't see how she accessed the bank accounts, and that they felt this was some sort of insurance fraud and they needed a scape goat. i immediately rang the hospital and my transplant coordinator and backed out of the surgery. we got on with our lives, partner found a new job and attended the court date where the case was thrown out 6 months later. a week after the case was dismissed, we got word boss had died. no one else had been a match or willing to get tested after news got out, and they never found a match in the transplant system in time. i feel so guilty. i allowed someone to die, pretty much murdered them. i let pettiness get in the way of saving a life. partner and friends feel i did the right thing, none of this is on me and not giving a piece of me to the person possibly putting my partner in prison for a long time, a week before surgery, is my choice and the right choice. bosses friends and family have been ringing non-stop, harassing us at our jobs and posting online a lot how i'm a murderer and killed boss. that i should have given the liver anyway and been a good person. i feel i should have given it, but who bites the hand that feeds? i didn't want to get cut open, risk dying and other complications for someone who didn't care for me and mine, but now someone is dead from something i could have prevented. i'm conflicted and losing sleep over this. aita for not giving my liver to the person accusing partner of theft and them later dying?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my (24m) partner's (23f) close friend and boss (50'sm) at the mechanic shop needed a liver transplant. they had been on the list for a while and getting nowhere. lots of us got tested and i was a match. we were all happy and thrilled that this direct donation could take place. a week before the surgery date, police showed up at our house to arrest my partner as her boss (person who was getting a piece of my liver) had accused her of theft. claimed she'd stolen thousands from his bank account and stolen from the cash box. the police showed us the cctv in which she reaches into the box, takes money and walks out of frame. 15 times, 15 days, 15 accusations. the police admitted they had no proof it was theft and no clue on the amounts taken as she used the box to take customers money and change. the police also said they didn't see how she accessed the bank accounts, and that they felt this was some sort of insurance fraud and they needed a scape goat. i immediately rang the hospital and my transplant coordinator and backed out of the surgery. we got on with our lives, partner found a new job and attended the court date where the case was thrown out 6 months later. a week after the case was dismissed, we got word boss had died. no one else had been a match or willing to get tested after news got out, and they never found a match in the transplant system in time. i feel so guilty. i allowed someone to die, pretty much murdered them. i let pettiness get in the way of saving a life. partner and friends feel i did the right thing, none of this is on me and not giving a piece of me to the person possibly putting my partner in prison for a long time, a week before surgery, is my choice and the right choice. bosses friends and family have been ringing non-stop, harassing us at our jobs and posting online a lot how i'm a murderer and killed boss. that i should have given the liver anyway and been a good person. i feel i should have given it, but who bites the hand that feeds? i didn't want to get cut open, risk dying and other complications for someone who didn't care for me and mine, but now someone is dead from something i could have prevented. i'm conflicted and losing sleep over this. aita for not giving my liver to the person accusing partner of theft and them later dying? [/INST] nta. you don't owe anybody your organs. the boss did not care about your family, he didn't try to get your partner's side of the story before calling the police. report them for harassment if they keep pestering you. hypothetically, even if your partner was stealing, the boss should have let it go. a transplant is priceless. </s>
AITA for having my gf go home to change clothes after my grandpa made a comment about her?	k so i’ll start by saying i’m a 19 year old guy and she’s 18. my grandpa was over my house chilling with us and my gf came over in the afternoon. also, he never met her before this time. so she gets here and had on short shorts and a tank and he looked at me and he was like “wow they didn’t make them like that when i was your age”. i didn’t really know what to say and she was pretty shocked by the comment too. then i said to her about going back home and changing into something different, she didn’t like the idea, but i thought it would be best. she ended up staying home and told me that i was wrong and an asshole for suggesting that. i feel like things got blown out of proportion a bit. aita?	5,324	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/il9bo5/aita_for_having_my_gf_go_home_to_change_clothes/	2020-09-02 15:50:09	yta. men refusing to call out other men for inappropriate behavior, and instead expecting a woman to change hers (or her clothes) are so damn disappointing. way to perpetuate rape culture, my dude. nothing was blown out of proportion — you screwed up.	yta. she was wearing standard summer clothes. do you expect her to just run home and change every time someone makes a crass remark about her body and looks? i get that this is a family member, but it was your grandfather that was inappropriate, creepy and in the wrong. instead of even trying to stick up for your girlfriend, you essentially placed the blame on her shoulders while letting him get away with being an utter creep. you and your grandfather both displayed absolutely disgusting behavior.	yta waiting for the edit where you say she dumped you	yta. your grandfather was being extremely creepy and you put the responsibility on your girlfriend to cover up rather than on him for being gross. you should have made him leave.	yta - you can't tell your gf what she is allowed to wear. your grandpa was the rude one, if you asked anyone to leave it should have been him.	yta. nice job slut shaming your girlfriend and perpetuating rape culture instead of calling our your grandfather for lascivious comments.	yta huge asshole! your old grandpa that was raised to slut shame and victim shame girls and you let him abuse your girlfriend? i would never talk to you again!!! you had a real life opportunity to educate your grandpa on how times of changed and we don't judge people based on their clothing taste. shorts and a tank are appropriate for summer. you could have informed him that clothing shaming only leads to victim blaming - does he think your gf was asking for it if she'd been raped? this is a disgusting mindset and it needs rooted out not encouraged.	yta. if my so agreed with someone sexualizing a tank top and shorts, he would be my ex right there	your grandfather is an ah for making inappropriate remarks, and yta for telling your girlfriend to change. she should be able to wear what she wants, and both of you need to leave her alone.	totally, unequivocally the asshole. there’s no shades of grey here. your grandfather insulted your gf. instead of rebuking your grandpa and having your gf's back you added salt to the wound by shaming your gf. you think it would be for the best if your gf changes her clothes instead of your dirty grandpa changing his behaviour? why should your gf have to appease a rude old man. don’t be a jelly fish and shame women and victim blame. yta. i’m glad your gf stood her ground.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: k so i’ll start by saying i’m a 19 year old guy and she’s 18. my grandpa was over my house chilling with us and my gf came over in the afternoon. also, he never met her before this time. so she gets here and had on short shorts and a tank and he looked at me and he was like “wow they didn’t make them like that when i was your age”. i didn’t really know what to say and she was pretty shocked by the comment too. then i said to her about going back home and changing into something different, she didn’t like the idea, but i thought it would be best. she ended up staying home and told me that i was wrong and an asshole for suggesting that. i feel like things got blown out of proportion a bit. aita?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> k so i’ll start by saying i’m a 19 year old guy and she’s 18. my grandpa was over my house chilling with us and my gf came over in the afternoon. also, he never met her before this time. so she gets here and had on short shorts and a tank and he looked at me and he was like “wow they didn’t make them like that when i was your age”. i didn’t really know what to say and she was pretty shocked by the comment too. then i said to her about going back home and changing into something different, she didn’t like the idea, but i thought it would be best. she ended up staying home and told me that i was wrong and an asshole for suggesting that. i feel like things got blown out of proportion a bit. aita? [/INST] yta. men refusing to call out other men for inappropriate behavior, and instead expecting a woman to change hers (or her clothes) are so damn disappointing. way to perpetuate rape culture, my dude. nothing was blown out of proportion — you screwed up. </s>
AITA for throwing my daughter a second birthday party after the special needs girl I asked her to invite ruined her first party?	my daughter turned 12 a few weeks ago, and for her birthday party, she wanted pizza, a double feature movie at the drive in and ending the night with a sleepover and game night. i told her she could invite 4 friends. i suggested she invite "molly", a girl who just moved to the area and is in my daughter's class. i even admitted molly's mom had told me molly was having a hard time making friends since the move. molly has cerebral palsy and some developmental and intellectual delays, but overall seemed very sweet. my daughter agreed to invite molly, but i think it was only because i asked. while molly seemed to be a a very sweet kid, she was absolutely awful at the party. she cried when we we didn't get a pizza with her favorite toppings, and then stole the first slice of cake meant for my daughter. things got worse at the movie. the first movie (cruella) was too scary for molly and she started freaking out and crying multiple times throughout the movie. i tried to calm her down, suggesting we take a walk to the snack bar during the scary parts or close her eyes, but she was inconsolable. i tried calling molly's mom a few times to pick her up, but i didn't get an answer. eventually we ended up having to leave before the second movie(black widow) , which was the movie my daughter really wanted to see. that night at our house things still got worse. molly threw a wii remote after she lost at just dance, and didn't want to play any of the games the other girls did. the next morning i called molly's parents to pick her up early. her mom apologized for molly's behavior admitting she is prone to outburst when she gets overstimulated, but she had been doing so much better lately in her the therapy. a few days later though, molly's mom told me that she can't stop talking about the party and how much fun she had. that evening, after all the other girls had left, my daughter was clearly upset about having her birthday ruined. i felt bad for asking her to invite molly, so i told her the next weekend, i would take her and her friends out for pizza and to see black widow in the theater to make it up to her, but my partner thinks this is a real jerk move, he pointed out that sometimes life isn't fair and things get ruined. he also doesn't think it's a good idea to show our daughter it's ok to exclude people who are different. any way, i'm a little torn here.	22,709	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/otlxqy/aita_for_throwing_my_daughter_a_second_birthday/	2021-07-28 23:41:30	nta but molly mother knew what she was doing and was unreachable for a reason. i'm sure her daughter has difficulties with friends she all but intentionally ruined a little girls birthday.	nta. you’re not “re-doing” the birthday to exclude molly. you’re taking your daughter and friends out for pizza, and to see a movie they really want to see but molly doesn’t.	this is a tough one but nta. i think that molly isn't ready for a group setting such as a birthday party/sleepover type thing. i think it was terrible that molly's mother couldn't be reached and suspect that molly's mother already knew that her daughter behaved in this manner. she may need more therapy. it wasn't fair for your daughter to miss having such a great time for her birthday. i think it would be just fine for you to have another party for her.	>he pointed out that sometimes life isn't fair and things get ruined. he also doesn't think it's a good idea to show our daughter it's ok to exclude people who are different. if your partner is your daughter's parent, i have to question their worth at it. it is true that life isn't always fair, but it is a trash parent that uses that throwaway statement to justify their own unfair treatment of their own child. also, your daughter is not obligated to include people in her birthday for no better reason than they are different. you invited molly out of your own feeling of social obligation. you didn't do it for your daughter's sake and it ruined your daughter's party. so, you being a good parent--no, good person--wanted to be accountable for your mistake and make it right. if your partner isn't your daughter's parent, i'd really question how fit they are to live with your child and if they are a suitable partner for a parent. also, i'd cut ties with molly's mother. she knew what she was doing by being out of contact. totally unacceptable for her to do that.	nta. i don’t see how anyone thinks this is complicated. your daughter was nice enough to agree to invite a kid she barely knew who was having trouble making friends because you asked her to. that kid ruined your daughter’s birthday party. you are giving her a do-over because she deserves a better birthday than she had and, let’s face it, molly wouldn’t have been there in the first place had you not made her feel sympathetic towards her. your partner is an asshole. why are you with someone who thinks it’s ok for your daughter’s birthday to be ruined like that?	was one of the party games to seal a blood contract that henceforth, your daughter has to always invite all the girls present to whatever she's going to do in the future? no? well, in that case, your daughter is free to go out and have fun with the friends she wants to. might be one of the girls from that party, two, or completely different girls or maybe - gasp - she sometimes even wants to do something fun on her own. and yeah, life isn't fair. that's why molly got invited to one event with your daughter but not to all of them that might happen in the future. especially if it's something you all know molly wouldn't enjoy much anyway. or does your partner believe your daughter should only be allowed to watch movies and play games and eat things molly would enjoy? that's not how it works. you aren't throwing a party with a "hurray, no molly!" theme. you promised the girls to watch black widow, they didn't get to see the movie because it wasn't enjoyable for one kid that day, so now you keep your promise to the others. if it comforts your partner, assure him that there will be days, groups, events where your daughter won't be invited, be it for understandable or weird reasons. your daughter's job is to be friendly and civil around others who haven't done anything to her. if she and molly like each other (each other! mutual!) enough to chat or hang out again, good. if not, then that's that. otherwise, your partner thinks people who are different are charity cases and are entitled to pity friendships and that's disrespectful in its own way. nta	nta. you’re not throwing a second party, you’re just taking your daughter and friends out for pizza and a movie. you don’t need to invite everyone along for that.	nta. encourage your daughter to keep talking to molly though. maybe they can do things in a smaller setting or find some common ground with a craft or other activity versus a birthday party with a larger group or movies that molly isn't ready for. your kid totally deserves a do-over though! she handled this with a lot of grace.	nta. molly’s mother screwed you over. hell, she screwed molly over too. she knew her child couldn’t handle this kind of outing and wouldn’t be able to behave in a way that would allow her to make friends in that setting. she knew she’d get overstimulated, scared, and cry a lot. she knows her child. she set her up to fail. she could have chosen to go with you so that she could watch molly and take her home when she got overwhelmed. she could have declined and offered to set up a quieter event sometime to help molly make friends in a setting where she could succeed. she could have picked up the phone when you called. it was extremely irresponsible to not pick up the phone when your kid is off someplace. what if there had been an emergency? so - molly’s mom is the real ah here. as for the do-over? i think your partner is overthinking it. sure, things get ruined in life, but we regularly allow ourselves do overs when we can. hell, i had a pre-moving cross country meeting with friends recently. one brought their new boyfriend and we all hated him. no one had fun. everything was an argument. do you know what we adults did? we scheduled a do-over with just the core group that’s been meeting for years. as for exclusion - it would be unfair to molly to invite her to another outing that would make her cry and make her scared again. it’s also unfair to your daughter to decide she can’t have pizza with friends and see the movie she wants to see just because molly isn’t able to. if your daughter wants to, you can set up a quiet meeting that molly can handle. make sure her mom comes to help too.	nah. i think you've got to consider what's best for molly and what's best for your daughter. does your daughter want to maintain a friendship with molly? if she does, now you know that molly is a good friend to maybe spend time with at school or at shorter, lower-stress and lower-stakes activities. it would probably make a lot of difference to molly if your daughter did maintain a friendship, but it would be pretty brutal to start out a friendship out of guilt and then be half-hearted and drop her. i'd say sure, take your daughter and some friends for pizza and to see black widow - it's not like you're inviting them to another birthday party with a cake, etc, and just excluding molly. you're doing something that your daughter wanted to do but couldn't. as to life being unfair, look, life is going to show its unfairness to your daughter in all kinds of ways as she gets older. you will have many opportunities to let natural unfairness play out - when she has crushes that aren't reciprocated, when she's qualified for a program or a job but isn't chosen, when she notices a teacher playing favorites, when she notices that bad things do in fact happen to good people, etc. i think giving your kids good memories and as much security as you can manage is in fact good.	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NAH	0.000485	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: my daughter turned 12 a few weeks ago, and for her birthday party, she wanted pizza, a double feature movie at the drive in and ending the night with a sleepover and game night. i told her she could invite 4 friends. i suggested she invite "molly", a girl who just moved to the area and is in my daughter's class. i even admitted molly's mom had told me molly was having a hard time making friends since the move. molly has cerebral palsy and some developmental and intellectual delays, but overall seemed very sweet. my daughter agreed to invite molly, but i think it was only because i asked. while molly seemed to be a a very sweet kid, she was absolutely awful at the party. she cried when we we didn't get a pizza with her favorite toppings, and then stole the first slice of cake meant for my daughter. things got worse at the movie. the first movie (cruella) was too scary for molly and she started freaking out and crying multiple times throughout the movie. i tried to calm her down, suggesting we take a walk to the snack bar during the scary parts or close her eyes, but she was inconsolable. i tried calling molly's mom a few times to pick her up, but i didn't get an answer. eventually we ended up having to leave before the second movie(black widow) , which was the movie my daughter really wanted to see. that night at our house things still got worse. molly threw a wii remote after she lost at just dance, and didn't want to play any of the games the other girls did. the next morning i called molly's parents to pick her up early. her mom apologized for molly's behavior admitting she is prone to outburst when she gets overstimulated, but she had been doing so much better lately in her the therapy. a few days later though, molly's mom told me that she can't stop talking about the party and how much fun she had. that evening, after all the other girls had left, my daughter was clearly upset about having her birthday ruined. i felt bad for asking her to invite molly, so i told her the next weekend, i would take her and her friends out for pizza and to see black widow in the theater to make it up to her, but my partner thinks this is a real jerk move, he pointed out that sometimes life isn't fair and things get ruined. he also doesn't think it's a good idea to show our daughter it's ok to exclude people who are different. any way, i'm a little torn here.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> my daughter turned 12 a few weeks ago, and for her birthday party, she wanted pizza, a double feature movie at the drive in and ending the night with a sleepover and game night. i told her she could invite 4 friends. i suggested she invite "molly", a girl who just moved to the area and is in my daughter's class. i even admitted molly's mom had told me molly was having a hard time making friends since the move. molly has cerebral palsy and some developmental and intellectual delays, but overall seemed very sweet. my daughter agreed to invite molly, but i think it was only because i asked. while molly seemed to be a a very sweet kid, she was absolutely awful at the party. she cried when we we didn't get a pizza with her favorite toppings, and then stole the first slice of cake meant for my daughter. things got worse at the movie. the first movie (cruella) was too scary for molly and she started freaking out and crying multiple times throughout the movie. i tried to calm her down, suggesting we take a walk to the snack bar during the scary parts or close her eyes, but she was inconsolable. i tried calling molly's mom a few times to pick her up, but i didn't get an answer. eventually we ended up having to leave before the second movie(black widow) , which was the movie my daughter really wanted to see. that night at our house things still got worse. molly threw a wii remote after she lost at just dance, and didn't want to play any of the games the other girls did. the next morning i called molly's parents to pick her up early. her mom apologized for molly's behavior admitting she is prone to outburst when she gets overstimulated, but she had been doing so much better lately in her the therapy. a few days later though, molly's mom told me that she can't stop talking about the party and how much fun she had. that evening, after all the other girls had left, my daughter was clearly upset about having her birthday ruined. i felt bad for asking her to invite molly, so i told her the next weekend, i would take her and her friends out for pizza and to see black widow in the theater to make it up to her, but my partner thinks this is a real jerk move, he pointed out that sometimes life isn't fair and things get ruined. he also doesn't think it's a good idea to show our daughter it's ok to exclude people who are different. any way, i'm a little torn here. [/INST] nta but molly mother knew what she was doing and was unreachable for a reason. i'm sure her daughter has difficulties with friends she all but intentionally ruined a little girls birthday. </s>
AITA for Having Professional Hair and Makeup for a Wedding When the Bride Didn’t	hi, y’all. my brother (m40) and his wife (f35) got married on sunday. i (f22) am pretty close with my brother, but not his wife, so while i was a guest, i wasn’t in the bridal party. they got married at a somewhat local mansion, which is actually pretty affordable for a wedding venue. the dress code on the invitation was “formal.” for the three weddings i’ve been to with formal dress codes (and the eight i’ve been to semi-formal dress codes), the implication was always that it meant professional hair and makeup. that is how my whole family took the dress code, so we all coordinated appointments. a few of us actually went together and had a makeup artist from a few towns over come in, so my sil could hire locally. well, when we got there, her family looked good, but their hair and makeup were clearly not professionally done. when her bridesmaids came out, it was apparent they hadn’t used a professional either, nor had she. it was kind of awkward in pictures, but i didn’t really see a big deal. well, yesterday, i got a barrage of messages from the bridal party, her mother, and the bride herself about my family trying to “upstage her” and that sort of thing. quite a few other relatives got the messages too, including my grandmomma. (fyi, my brother thought i looked pretty and didn’t see an issue except “when did you become a woman?”) i’ve tried explaining that it was a miscommunication, but they’re having none of it. was i really a bitch?	18,673	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/d6elil/aita_for_having_professional_hair_and_makeup_for/	2019-09-19 14:10:59	nta, getting your hair and makeup done for a wedding is pretty normal, formal or not. i've been to alot of weddings where guests got done up because they wanted to respect the event. if the bride didn't feel the need to not get her hair and make-up professional done that's on her and her choice. she can't ask people to look "less than" her.	nta. never understood this whole thing. you shouldn't be relegated to coming looking like a slug to not upstage the bride. if you want to glow up, glow up. attraction to appearance is subjective anyway.	nta. what bride doesn't get hair and makeup? its basically a staple in the us. that is so unusual...	nta. formal obviously means something different to each side of the family. not your fault and not her’s either. just a misunderstanding.	i have never in my life known anyone to associate "formal dress code" to having it professionally done. what country are you from?	is it that easy to tell if it’s professionally done or not? sincerely, a dude	[deleted]	nta - they chose not to get hair and makeup done professionally. they can't blame you for doing so.	nta. &#x200b; this is appualing behaviour and i can't believe she thinks she can start her marriage by offloading at her husbands family about her fuck up. this wasn't miss-communication. this was her not knowing what formal meals. if hair etc isn't important to you then it shouldn't matter if you guys had professionally done stuff as they shouldn't have cared either way. if it was important to them they should have got professionally done. i mean my understanding is that formal would mean it isn't compulsory for the guests to get professionally done hair and make up but that the bridal party would have had this done themselves.	nta. they shouldn't have put "formal" if it wasn't formal.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	null	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: hi, y’all. my brother (m40) and his wife (f35) got married on sunday. i (f22) am pretty close with my brother, but not his wife, so while i was a guest, i wasn’t in the bridal party. they got married at a somewhat local mansion, which is actually pretty affordable for a wedding venue. the dress code on the invitation was “formal.” for the three weddings i’ve been to with formal dress codes (and the eight i’ve been to semi-formal dress codes), the implication was always that it meant professional hair and makeup. that is how my whole family took the dress code, so we all coordinated appointments. a few of us actually went together and had a makeup artist from a few towns over come in, so my sil could hire locally. well, when we got there, her family looked good, but their hair and makeup were clearly not professionally done. when her bridesmaids came out, it was apparent they hadn’t used a professional either, nor had she. it was kind of awkward in pictures, but i didn’t really see a big deal. well, yesterday, i got a barrage of messages from the bridal party, her mother, and the bride herself about my family trying to “upstage her” and that sort of thing. quite a few other relatives got the messages too, including my grandmomma. (fyi, my brother thought i looked pretty and didn’t see an issue except “when did you become a woman?”) i’ve tried explaining that it was a miscommunication, but they’re having none of it. was i really a bitch?	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> hi, y’all. my brother (m40) and his wife (f35) got married on sunday. i (f22) am pretty close with my brother, but not his wife, so while i was a guest, i wasn’t in the bridal party. they got married at a somewhat local mansion, which is actually pretty affordable for a wedding venue. the dress code on the invitation was “formal.” for the three weddings i’ve been to with formal dress codes (and the eight i’ve been to semi-formal dress codes), the implication was always that it meant professional hair and makeup. that is how my whole family took the dress code, so we all coordinated appointments. a few of us actually went together and had a makeup artist from a few towns over come in, so my sil could hire locally. well, when we got there, her family looked good, but their hair and makeup were clearly not professionally done. when her bridesmaids came out, it was apparent they hadn’t used a professional either, nor had she. it was kind of awkward in pictures, but i didn’t really see a big deal. well, yesterday, i got a barrage of messages from the bridal party, her mother, and the bride herself about my family trying to “upstage her” and that sort of thing. quite a few other relatives got the messages too, including my grandmomma. (fyi, my brother thought i looked pretty and didn’t see an issue except “when did you become a woman?”) i’ve tried explaining that it was a miscommunication, but they’re having none of it. was i really a bitch? [/INST] nta, getting your hair and makeup done for a wedding is pretty normal, formal or not. i've been to alot of weddings where guests got done up because they wanted to respect the event. if the bride didn't feel the need to not get her hair and make-up professional done that's on her and her choice. she can't ask people to look "less than" her. </s>
AITA for 100% refusing to let my dad/mom see my child for something done 10-15 years ago? /Petty	ok so this is kinda complex, i'll make it short. this acc is just for privacy reasons -i always had good grades in high-school, was home on time, cleaned the house etc. i never had problems with my parents before this. -i went to med school, still living with parents when i was 20, i dated someone who was 23 -dad was against this because be does not believe in dating people far older than you (so like don't date far from your own age) and says i cannot date j. -argument breaks out, dad says it's his house so either i agree or i move out. i say it's not fair as j has a job, goes to college, has future plans etc. dad kicks me out. mom agrees with his decision. little bro was only 14 at the time. -i moved with j, his family was supportive, helped me with my college (i went to another college due to financial reasons), finished my required years but still kept in touch with my lil bro -years later, me and j (with the help of his parents) got a small house. (like really small but i'm happy with it). i ended up giving birth to a sweet baby girl. i let my lil bro know that he could come see her when he was able to. he came a few times. -today, bro came to see the baby, and asked when i was going to let mom and dad see her since they wanted to reconnect. i said never and that i wasn't going to forgive them. bro says i'm being unreasonable as they were just strict and trying to protect me, i say that's bullshit because dad shouldn't have kicked me out over age. bro says i should at least let mom come because she didn't want to agree with it. i say mom was able to do something but didn't,but that bro's situation was different because he was only 15. bro is upset because he says mom and dad regret their decision and just want to reconnect and that i am dragging this entire situation. i told him that if he thinks i'm 'dragging it out' then he can stay out of my life too. he's angry and says that i need to move on and that i shouldn't be withholding them from seeing their grandchild. i say that they disowned me and so have no grandchild from a daughter that doesn't exist. aita? i don't hate my bro and i (kinda) get what he is saying, but i just have a resentment for my parents. it's not like i had a baby just to put it against them, but my lil bro thinks i'm going go die on a hill with them for something done several years ago and it's petty. i'm curious on what reddit thinks. i want a relationship with my bro, just not my mom and dad	30,632	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/daxa38/aita_for_100_refusing_to_let_my_dadmom_see_my/	2019-09-29 16:18:47	nta. two things; 23 isn't too far away from 20. holy shit. i feel like your parents just used that excuse as a way to control you. it's manipulative and gross to give your grown daughter ultimatums over who she dates. you have every right to be angry. you have every right to decide who your child sees and who it doesn't. if i were you, i'd tell your brother that this is your kid, and your decisions are to be respected and not discussed any further unless he wants to damage the relationship you guys have maintained.	nta - if your parents want to reconcile they can reach out themselves, rather than sending a messenger. they owe you a massive apology. you're not the one that's "dying on this hill," they're the ones that haven't made ammends for their actions. they made a huge, life altering mistake, and just because they regret it now doesn't mean they don't have to take responsibility for it.	nta. they kicked you out, and they don't even the decency to start up the reconnecting. they used your brother as a pawn because they know you still like him	nta they kicked you out for dating a guy three years older than you, which imo is absurd. it sounds more like they wanted to control you and when they couldn’t they kicked you to the curb. since then it doesn’t sound like they have reached out and tried to make amends at all. instead your brother is giving you a guilt trip about it. what have they done that suggests they deserve a second chance?	nta, but don't alienate your brother over this. he's in a difficult position. it's up to you whether you want to reconcile with your parents. it doesn't sound like they're actually sorry at this point, your brother just wants everyone to get along, which is understandable.	let me make sure i have this right: parents disapprove of your relationship and disown you over it and now want to be grandparents to the child that resulted from the same relationship they disowned you over? that about right? nta, disownment goes both ways.	esh. except your bro. and i'm going with you're the a-hole mostly for telling your brother that he can leave your life too. he's just trying to get his family to get along again. he's trying to be a diplomat in a stand off. you don't need to forgive your parents or anything (over a 3 year age gap????) but you should apologize to your brother.	nta/info, but i may have a slightly different perspective. one of the most important things to remember about toxic relationships is that past behavior is the best predictor. the one thing missing from your post is a continuous string of ultra controlling behavior. you said you never had any issues before this. what may have happened is they put their foot down when they shouldn't have, you called their bluff, and everything else has been downhill consequences. everyone in the comments is saying: "fuck them! they are controlling toxic people!" i don't see that. i see them making a single, heavy handed controlling move, and everything exploded from that. i don't know how much contact you allowed since that. i don't get a sense if they reached out over the years but it was still too raw for you. that's understandable, but it's different from careless tyrants who emotionally scarred you for 18 years. that's not what your parents sound like. this sounds like it may actually just be one momentous moment that has fed back on itself for a decade between two parties. people can disagree with me, but i think if you have prevented communication with them over this time, then you have also prevented the ability to mend the relationship. i used to hold white-hot grudges with people who had wronged me. i enjoyed the validation, and it allowed me to seethe on it and feel justified in continuing to refuse contact. i finally let go of that and realized there were definitely two camps of people. camp 1 were the people who continuously failed me at every turn, and could easily and accurately be predicted to do the shitty thing at every turn. camp 2 people usually involved one particular event that was a failure on their part. it's the camp 2 people that you should open bridges to, i promise you will always feel better. if you think that your situation with your parents is a camp 2 situation (i don't know what all the missing info is here), then i would take this opportunity to extend a bridge. if they are camp 1, then yes, i agree with everyone else here, do what you can to maintain and build a healthy relationship with your brother but make it clear that there's no room for your parents.	nta have they even ever checked on you? have they offered any support of any kind? if they can’t parent appropriately they don’t deserve the gift of being grandparents which is a far easier gig and they will be able to exert control via your daughter.	info i feel like you didn't explain this whole situation adequately. there is a big gap between "i lived with my parents until i was 20 and always got along with them fine" and then "i haven't talked to my parents over the multiple years since and had a child without telling them". what the hell happened? most people i knew who got in similarly heated arguments with their parents and they slept somewhere else for the night, they talk the next day and come to some sort of truce. what the hell happened? were both you and your parents stubborn and nobody tried to reach out and it just went on for years? or was maybe your mom trying to reach out and you were ignoring her? there is also the point that, sure your dad wants you to do what he thinks is best for you while he's paying for you, but once he's not paying for you anymore, does he still think he has standing to tell you what to do? too many suspicious gaps in this story to cast judgment. the way the post was written does't exclude the possibility the the parents had reached out over the years and the op had been ignoring them, which could potentially make her the asshole.	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	ESH	NTA	NTA	INFO	0.032022	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: ok so this is kinda complex, i'll make it short. this acc is just for privacy reasons -i always had good grades in high-school, was home on time, cleaned the house etc. i never had problems with my parents before this. -i went to med school, still living with parents when i was 20, i dated someone who was 23 -dad was against this because be does not believe in dating people far older than you (so like don't date far from your own age) and says i cannot date j. -argument breaks out, dad says it's his house so either i agree or i move out. i say it's not fair as j has a job, goes to college, has future plans etc. dad kicks me out. mom agrees with his decision. little bro was only 14 at the time. -i moved with j, his family was supportive, helped me with my college (i went to another college due to financial reasons), finished my required years but still kept in touch with my lil bro -years later, me and j (with the help of his parents) got a small house. (like really small but i'm happy with it). i ended up giving birth to a sweet baby girl. i let my lil bro know that he could come see her when he was able to. he came a few times. -today, bro came to see the baby, and asked when i was going to let mom and dad see her since they wanted to reconnect. i said never and that i wasn't going to forgive them. bro says i'm being unreasonable as they were just strict and trying to protect me, i say that's bullshit because dad shouldn't have kicked me out over age. bro says i should at least let mom come because she didn't want to agree with it. i say mom was able to do something but didn't,but that bro's situation was different because he was only 15. bro is upset because he says mom and dad regret their decision and just want to reconnect and that i am dragging this entire situation. i told him that if he thinks i'm 'dragging it out' then he can stay out of my life too. he's angry and says that i need to move on and that i shouldn't be withholding them from seeing their grandchild. i say that they disowned me and so have no grandchild from a daughter that doesn't exist. aita? i don't hate my bro and i (kinda) get what he is saying, but i just have a resentment for my parents. it's not like i had a baby just to put it against them, but my lil bro thinks i'm going go die on a hill with them for something done several years ago and it's petty. i'm curious on what reddit thinks. i want a relationship with my bro, just not my mom and dad	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> ok so this is kinda complex, i'll make it short. this acc is just for privacy reasons -i always had good grades in high-school, was home on time, cleaned the house etc. i never had problems with my parents before this. -i went to med school, still living with parents when i was 20, i dated someone who was 23 -dad was against this because be does not believe in dating people far older than you (so like don't date far from your own age) and says i cannot date j. -argument breaks out, dad says it's his house so either i agree or i move out. i say it's not fair as j has a job, goes to college, has future plans etc. dad kicks me out. mom agrees with his decision. little bro was only 14 at the time. -i moved with j, his family was supportive, helped me with my college (i went to another college due to financial reasons), finished my required years but still kept in touch with my lil bro -years later, me and j (with the help of his parents) got a small house. (like really small but i'm happy with it). i ended up giving birth to a sweet baby girl. i let my lil bro know that he could come see her when he was able to. he came a few times. -today, bro came to see the baby, and asked when i was going to let mom and dad see her since they wanted to reconnect. i said never and that i wasn't going to forgive them. bro says i'm being unreasonable as they were just strict and trying to protect me, i say that's bullshit because dad shouldn't have kicked me out over age. bro says i should at least let mom come because she didn't want to agree with it. i say mom was able to do something but didn't,but that bro's situation was different because he was only 15. bro is upset because he says mom and dad regret their decision and just want to reconnect and that i am dragging this entire situation. i told him that if he thinks i'm 'dragging it out' then he can stay out of my life too. he's angry and says that i need to move on and that i shouldn't be withholding them from seeing their grandchild. i say that they disowned me and so have no grandchild from a daughter that doesn't exist. aita? i don't hate my bro and i (kinda) get what he is saying, but i just have a resentment for my parents. it's not like i had a baby just to put it against them, but my lil bro thinks i'm going go die on a hill with them for something done several years ago and it's petty. i'm curious on what reddit thinks. i want a relationship with my bro, just not my mom and dad [/INST] nta. two things; 23 isn't too far away from 20. holy shit. i feel like your parents just used that excuse as a way to control you. it's manipulative and gross to give your grown daughter ultimatums over who she dates. you have every right to be angry. you have every right to decide who your child sees and who it doesn't. if i were you, i'd tell your brother that this is your kid, and your decisions are to be respected and not discussed any further unless he wants to damage the relationship you guys have maintained. </s>
AITA for cooking mushroom pasta when my bf doesn't like it?	throwaway, this is something pretty small that's kind of blowing up, so here i am me and my bf (we're both 30) moved in together a few months ago. we split chores, including cooking. my bf doesn't like mushrooms. he's not allergic or anything, and he'll eat it if he has to but he always avoids any dishes with mushrooms at parties, restaurants, etc. i'm the opposite, and one of my favorite dishes is chicken and mushroom pasta which i often make for dinner. i obviously don't make it every time, but when i do my bf usually eats a small amount or makes himself something else. he's said he doesn't like it so i try to make it less often. well, last night i made chicken and mushroom pasta. my bf saw and he got kind of mad, saying he told me he hates mushrooms and i should make something else. i replied i like it, but he said i should've put some away before adding the mushrooms or just left plain pasta for him. i said if he has such an issue he can always make something else.	5,202	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yl2r0r/aita_for_cooking_mushroom_pasta_when_my_bf_doesnt/	2022-11-03 13:22:51	yta since you guys take turns cooking for one another. he is correct that there is no reason you couldn't have put some aside for him before adding the mushrooms. that is quite easy and shows you care about your partner.	yta. you could had just put aside some chicken pasta without mushrooms for him since you guys split chores and yours were making dinner.	>i replied i like it, but he said i should've put some away before adding the mushrooms or just left plain pasta for him. how is this not like the easiest, lowest-effort, zero drama solution possible? it really amazes me how many aita posts i see about couples who genuinely just don't seem to like each other or want to make each other happy. yta.	i'm gonna go with yta simply because you split the chores and presuming he was under the impression you were making dinner. my ex was like your bf. didn't like mushrooms. couldn't force her to eat em if i tried. so i didn't make stuff with mushrooms and if i did, i made myself a portion with mushrooms and hers without. mushrooms take 5 minutes to cook if you cook em right. they're not supposed to steep to stay in hot food long. if the promise is you're making dinner but just want him to suck it up or make something else, that kind of makes you an ah. it's not hard to set aside mushrooms. you can also cook the mushrooms beforehand, put em in a bowl, then add to your pasta after you've portioned out some of it without. it's not difficult in the slightest.	>but he said i should've put some away before adding the mushrooms or just left plain pasta for him why are you not doing this? this is a good compromise. a relationship is supposed to be an equal partnership not a 'i like it, i do it, you deal with it' thing. yta	yta would it kill you to split the chicken in sauce into two saucepans and add mushrooms to only one of them? i love chilli, my wife hates it. so you know what, because i care about her likes and dislikes i don't add chilli to the food she eats. she does the same when cooking if there's coconut going in which i hate!	yeah yta. cook it when it's just for you, not when it's supposed to feed both of you.	info: would your pasta be worse if you added the mushrooms last and put some aside before adding the mushrooms as he suggests? does bf ever cook anything he knows you actively dislike when it's his turn? are there any evenings when only you are eating dinner when you could have this meal without him around? subject to the above, soft yta.	of course yta. what did you expect to hear? hes told you he doesn’t like it. he take very little portions every time or goes to cook for himself yet you continue to keep making it? if you split the chores, including cooking. that means you both cook for each other everytime you cook. why do you continue to make food he doesn’t like just because you like it? how selfish are you. your reply to him not liking it was to tell him go cook something else then? your bf was right you could have just set aside the meal before adding mushrooms into it and everything would have been fine. but apparently thats too much effort and everything revolves around you	in fairness yta, you could add the mushrooms late and take out a serving for him before you add them. it's such a simple thing, the kind of thoughful jesture you are supposed to make for the person you love.	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	INFO	YTA	YTA	0.003	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: throwaway, this is something pretty small that's kind of blowing up, so here i am me and my bf (we're both 30) moved in together a few months ago. we split chores, including cooking. my bf doesn't like mushrooms. he's not allergic or anything, and he'll eat it if he has to but he always avoids any dishes with mushrooms at parties, restaurants, etc. i'm the opposite, and one of my favorite dishes is chicken and mushroom pasta which i often make for dinner. i obviously don't make it every time, but when i do my bf usually eats a small amount or makes himself something else. he's said he doesn't like it so i try to make it less often. well, last night i made chicken and mushroom pasta. my bf saw and he got kind of mad, saying he told me he hates mushrooms and i should make something else. i replied i like it, but he said i should've put some away before adding the mushrooms or just left plain pasta for him. i said if he has such an issue he can always make something else.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> throwaway, this is something pretty small that's kind of blowing up, so here i am me and my bf (we're both 30) moved in together a few months ago. we split chores, including cooking. my bf doesn't like mushrooms. he's not allergic or anything, and he'll eat it if he has to but he always avoids any dishes with mushrooms at parties, restaurants, etc. i'm the opposite, and one of my favorite dishes is chicken and mushroom pasta which i often make for dinner. i obviously don't make it every time, but when i do my bf usually eats a small amount or makes himself something else. he's said he doesn't like it so i try to make it less often. well, last night i made chicken and mushroom pasta. my bf saw and he got kind of mad, saying he told me he hates mushrooms and i should make something else. i replied i like it, but he said i should've put some away before adding the mushrooms or just left plain pasta for him. i said if he has such an issue he can always make something else. [/INST] yta since you guys take turns cooking for one another. he is correct that there is no reason you couldn't have put some aside for him before adding the mushrooms. that is quite easy and shows you care about your partner. </s>
AITA refusing to use the word "pregnant" when I tell people my wife is going to have a baby or talk about her time carrying the baby?	i know this is a weird hang up, but i was raised by my grandparents and they never used the word "pregnant" because to them it was almost like a dirty word. it was basically seen as vulgar. everything was always "she's going to have a baby" or "she's expecting", so over time i developed an aversion to saying "pregnant" or "pregnancy". i am the same way with other words but those are not at issue here. i guess my wife never noticed or didn't think much of it until we found out we were going to have a baby. one day she asked me about it and i explained the same thing i wrote above about how it wasn't something i grew up saying. it seemed to bother her a lot more than i would have thought, and it's created a bigger disagreement than i would have ever expected. because of my explanation she says that by me not using those words it makes her think that i feel what she is doing is dirty or something shameful and to be hidden. she thinks i secretly judge her. weird take. i obviously don't feel this way and my hang up has nothing to do with her or the baby. it's purely about comfort and certain language not being part of my vocabulary. i really think she is making too much of this and perhaps it is being used by her as projection for her own insecurities. i don't think my language choices in this case make me ta. she disagrees and wants me to start using the "right" terms to describe what is happening.	3,458	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/i4x0wb/aita_refusing_to_use_the_word_pregnant_when_i/	2020-08-06 18:17:42	yta okay, so you’re grown up enough to get married, have sex, impreganate your wife but not able to say the word pregnant? she is literally pregnant. i would feel uncomfortable if the person who impregnated me was skirting around the word pregnant all the time. grow up.	yta anytime a partner says, on anything regardless of subject, “what you are saying is making me feel ashamed, can you please stop?” if your immediate reaction is not to stop and really hear that and change your behaviour, you gotta re-evaluate your priorities and functioning as a human being.	uh, yta. pregnant and pregnancy are medical terms, there’s nothing vulgar about them. just because you were raised a certain way doesn’t mean you have to stay that way.	hmmmm...i'm going to say nah, but you will be ta if you don't listen to her and change. i'm not eloquent enough to explain this, but here is a quote from an article talking about this issue: "terms like expecting and in a family way are more notable for what they don’t say, operating as vague descriptors that gloss over a truth long considered unseemly: women have sex. in previous centuries, it was scandalous for pregnant women to appear in public. when they did, they might wear “maternity corsets” that squeezed their swelling bellies out of sight. while a euphemism like expecting is polite, it is also a reminder that women’s sexuality, and the results of it, have been thought of as shameful. so what do we do? we can start by encouraging women to exert more influence over the language of pregnancy than they’ve had in the past." here's the link for the full article: [https://time.com/5587321/knocked-up-pregnant-synonyms/](https://time.com/5587321/knocked-up-pregnant-synonyms/) and if you want to learn more, just google "why is saying pregnant seen as vulgar". hope this helps.	yta. you think her stance is a “weird take”? this is not a mystery dude, you said this with your own words. >my grandparents ...never used the word "pregnant" because to them it was almost like a dirty word. it was basically seen as vulgar...so over time i developed an aversion to saying “pregnant” or “pregnancy”. “pregnant” is a clinical term, my dude. does your attitude bleed into the way you treat her now that she’s pregnant? i would advise you to do some serious self reflection.	yeah. you’re being sexist. this is like the post today where the stepdad called tampons “unmentionables”. yta	yta because you intellectually "know" that there is nothing unpleasant about the word "pregnancy", and you have picked a strange reason to refuse to use a correct and legitimate word, and have separately indicated that there are other correct words that you also have an issue with. this is a big red flag for me, and apparently for your wife. are you going to avoid teaching these correct words to your future child and instead burden him or her with this unnecessary generational shame? why aren't you working towards dealing with this, perhaps with the help of a mental health counselor? yta as well for flipping this back on "her own insecurities". no. this is new information that is causing her to have real concerns and doubts about you, as a functional adult. she is not making too much of this.	yta. she’s right though. think about if your grandparents had raised you to call black people by the n word because they’re dirty, etc. and so you call them that because you were ‘raised that way, but don’t worry i don’t actually think black people are bad’ sounds like a ridiculous excuse doesn’t it. i know that’s a more extreme example but the same point applies. you are the issue. you think women don’t get degraded on random ways all the time and throughout history especially for getting pregnant and then you have the balls to agree with the idea and not use the word? not using the word means you agree with the meaning behind it. you need therapy for it	it's not a weird take, because that's the root of the reason. it's an accurate take. yta. it's an antiquated, sexist thing. we don't call black people coloreds anymore. unlearn bad habits. (edit to turn an 'a' into an 'an')	yta considering the word vulgar is akin to considering the act vulgar. you're the one with a weird take here. it sounds like your grandparents are cool with the results of a pregnancy, but not the condition of being pregnant. that is extremely sexist and demotes your wife from human woman carrying a child to shameful, slutty incubator who dared to do the nasty. by only referring to the baby and classifying the term pregnancy as vulgar you are shaming your wife for being pregnant. you are going to cause a massive amount of resentment if you continue. not only that, but i'm sure your calous dismal of her feelings is causing a lot of stress. that is dangerous for both pregnancy and delivery. stress and feeling like an incubator are also both big triggers for ppd. in short, you are very very much the asshole.	YTA	YTA	YTA	NAH	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	YTA	0.010125	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i know this is a weird hang up, but i was raised by my grandparents and they never used the word "pregnant" because to them it was almost like a dirty word. it was basically seen as vulgar. everything was always "she's going to have a baby" or "she's expecting", so over time i developed an aversion to saying "pregnant" or "pregnancy". i am the same way with other words but those are not at issue here. i guess my wife never noticed or didn't think much of it until we found out we were going to have a baby. one day she asked me about it and i explained the same thing i wrote above about how it wasn't something i grew up saying. it seemed to bother her a lot more than i would have thought, and it's created a bigger disagreement than i would have ever expected. because of my explanation she says that by me not using those words it makes her think that i feel what she is doing is dirty or something shameful and to be hidden. she thinks i secretly judge her. weird take. i obviously don't feel this way and my hang up has nothing to do with her or the baby. it's purely about comfort and certain language not being part of my vocabulary. i really think she is making too much of this and perhaps it is being used by her as projection for her own insecurities. i don't think my language choices in this case make me ta. she disagrees and wants me to start using the "right" terms to describe what is happening.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i know this is a weird hang up, but i was raised by my grandparents and they never used the word "pregnant" because to them it was almost like a dirty word. it was basically seen as vulgar. everything was always "she's going to have a baby" or "she's expecting", so over time i developed an aversion to saying "pregnant" or "pregnancy". i am the same way with other words but those are not at issue here. i guess my wife never noticed or didn't think much of it until we found out we were going to have a baby. one day she asked me about it and i explained the same thing i wrote above about how it wasn't something i grew up saying. it seemed to bother her a lot more than i would have thought, and it's created a bigger disagreement than i would have ever expected. because of my explanation she says that by me not using those words it makes her think that i feel what she is doing is dirty or something shameful and to be hidden. she thinks i secretly judge her. weird take. i obviously don't feel this way and my hang up has nothing to do with her or the baby. it's purely about comfort and certain language not being part of my vocabulary. i really think she is making too much of this and perhaps it is being used by her as projection for her own insecurities. i don't think my language choices in this case make me ta. she disagrees and wants me to start using the "right" terms to describe what is happening. [/INST] yta okay, so you’re grown up enough to get married, have sex, impreganate your wife but not able to say the word pregnant? she is literally pregnant. i would feel uncomfortable if the person who impregnated me was skirting around the word pregnant all the time. grow up. </s>
AITA for leaving my sister and her husband on the side of the road?	i come from a very “sex-positive” household. my parents taught my sister and i about sex, sexuality, and their “non-vanilla” lifestyle from a young age. they were very affectionate and touchy with each other in public and didn’t (and still don’t) seem to care about others opinions. they lived a very… non-conventional lifestyle and weren’t afraid to flaunt it. on one hand, my parents never treated sex as a shameful subject, therefore, i received a very comprehensive, inclusive, form of sex education. on the other hand, i think i was introduced to many topics at a very young age. in many ways, my sister, “angie,” turned out like my parents. she proclaims that she’s “sex-positive,” and has no qualms with openly discussing sex in great detail at every opportunity. she believes that if a person is uncomfortable, they must be a “conservative virgin/prude who clearly hates all forms of self-expression.” (her words). my wife, “zara,” isn’t a huge fan of pda. other than hand-holding or occasional kisses on the cheek, she isn’t comfortable with doing much in public. we’re also not the type of people to discuss our sex-life with people, much less family. angie doesn’t like zara. she believes that zara is too “conservative/prudish” for our family. she often makes fun of zara for “looking embarrassed,” when she’s discussing, in excruciating detail, about sex. zara barely says anything, but angie still manages to make fun of her. i don’t speak to angie much. recently, zara’s brother passed away. angie’s husband, “bill,” knew his partner and wanted to pass on his condolences. zara, angie, bill, and i all wanted to attend his wake. instead of taking separate cars, angie suggested that we all go together. to be honest, i was not a huge fan of this idea. it was a two hour drive from where we live to our destination. also, we were planning on leaving very early so that we could help set up and were planning to leave late. we still managed to do it. at first, everything was alright. understandably, no one was speaking in the car and it was very quiet in the car. most people were keeping to themselves or sleeping. midway through the drive, angie and bill start making out in the backseat of our car. when i say “making out,” i mean, full-on, making out. they were pushing up against the car door and making all sorts of noises. zara and i were extremely uncomfortable. i pulled over and started yelling at angie. i told them that i was disgusted by their behaviour and that they were acting like horny little teenagers. angie said that they were grieving. i yelled at them to get out of my car. at first, they were protesting, but i was so angry and so tired of them already. i told them to find their way home by themselves. my parents think that i went too far with them and that zara needs to “loosen up,” in order to be a part of this family. obviously, angie and bill are still extremely pissed.	20,202	https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xzpkj5/aita_for_leaving_my_sister_and_her_husband_on_the/	2022-10-09 16:20:05	nta. sex positive means valuing consent, communication and being free to make informed choices about your body, without feeling judgement or shame. nothing about what your sister is doing is sex positive. continuing to discuss your sex life to someone in great detail, when they have expressed this makes them uncomfortable is not the one. making out in a car with other people there who are clearly not consenting to that is…odd. sounds like someone needs to go and rewatch (or watch) tea and consent.	nta- they may be sex positive but not consent positive.	nta. wait your wife’s brother died. and her in-laws f$cking in her car (on the way to his funeral!) is an expression of their grief. honey, i have no words. because i’d never deal with these idiots again. i would’t stop you from seeing your family. but they obviously don’t care about your wife.	all the y-t-a or e-s-h are batpoop crazy. they were in the car with zara whose brother has died and they are literally on the way to the wake. idgaf if people want to make out but certain situations are not the time or place. especially in the car with someone about to say goodbye to their family member who has already told you they aren’t comfortable. we harp on about consent but don’t seem to grasp that other people don’t consent to be spectators.	nta > angie said that they were grieving. you know how they say "everyone grieves in their own way?" well _this_ way, it turns out, is incorrect.	you did not consent to being part of their sexual activities. nta. i’m “sex positive” and i still don’t want to talk about sex in depth with family and friends. i can be sex positive and still like my privacy. i also don’t want to be subjected to other peoples’ sex lives. you don’t consent to your sister making sex moans in your ear and it doesn’t make you a prude to not want that.	nta. your sister and bil’s behavior was highly inappropriate. there is no way that falls under the definition of “sex-positive,” that’s just weird. i wonder if they behave like that with other people or if it was just meant to push your wife’s buttons.	nta. this was a pattern of behavior that they knew bothered zara, and they still couldn't restrain themselves for a couple hours to make her comfortable.	nta - there is a difference between being sex positive and forcing people into your sex life. they did the second. zara is perfectly fine the way she is. tell them to back off.	this has nothing to do with being “prudish” or “sex positive”. it is unbelievably fucking rude and inappropriate to be full on sucking face and moaning in the backseat of a car, on the way to a funeral, with the deceased’s grieving sister in the front seat!!! nta, jesus tap dancing christ what the fuck is wrong with some people??	NTA	NTA	NTA	null	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	NTA	0	Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. Conflict context: i come from a very “sex-positive” household. my parents taught my sister and i about sex, sexuality, and their “non-vanilla” lifestyle from a young age. they were very affectionate and touchy with each other in public and didn’t (and still don’t) seem to care about others opinions. they lived a very… non-conventional lifestyle and weren’t afraid to flaunt it. on one hand, my parents never treated sex as a shameful subject, therefore, i received a very comprehensive, inclusive, form of sex education. on the other hand, i think i was introduced to many topics at a very young age. in many ways, my sister, “angie,” turned out like my parents. she proclaims that she’s “sex-positive,” and has no qualms with openly discussing sex in great detail at every opportunity. she believes that if a person is uncomfortable, they must be a “conservative virgin/prude who clearly hates all forms of self-expression.” (her words). my wife, “zara,” isn’t a huge fan of pda. other than hand-holding or occasional kisses on the cheek, she isn’t comfortable with doing much in public. we’re also not the type of people to discuss our sex-life with people, much less family. angie doesn’t like zara. she believes that zara is too “conservative/prudish” for our family. she often makes fun of zara for “looking embarrassed,” when she’s discussing, in excruciating detail, about sex. zara barely says anything, but angie still manages to make fun of her. i don’t speak to angie much. recently, zara’s brother passed away. angie’s husband, “bill,” knew his partner and wanted to pass on his condolences. zara, angie, bill, and i all wanted to attend his wake. instead of taking separate cars, angie suggested that we all go together. to be honest, i was not a huge fan of this idea. it was a two hour drive from where we live to our destination. also, we were planning on leaving very early so that we could help set up and were planning to leave late. we still managed to do it. at first, everything was alright. understandably, no one was speaking in the car and it was very quiet in the car. most people were keeping to themselves or sleeping. midway through the drive, angie and bill start making out in the backseat of our car. when i say “making out,” i mean, full-on, making out. they were pushing up against the car door and making all sorts of noises. zara and i were extremely uncomfortable. i pulled over and started yelling at angie. i told them that i was disgusted by their behaviour and that they were acting like horny little teenagers. angie said that they were grieving. i yelled at them to get out of my car. at first, they were protesting, but i was so angry and so tired of them already. i told them to find their way home by themselves. my parents think that i went too far with them and that zara needs to “loosen up,” in order to be a part of this family. obviously, angie and bill are still extremely pissed.	<s>[INST] <<SYS>> Classify the interpersonal conflict as either 'you're the ahole (yta)' when the writer is causing the conflict or 'not the ahole (nta)' when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict and explain your choice. <</SYS>> i come from a very “sex-positive” household. my parents taught my sister and i about sex, sexuality, and their “non-vanilla” lifestyle from a young age. they were very affectionate and touchy with each other in public and didn’t (and still don’t) seem to care about others opinions. they lived a very… non-conventional lifestyle and weren’t afraid to flaunt it. on one hand, my parents never treated sex as a shameful subject, therefore, i received a very comprehensive, inclusive, form of sex education. on the other hand, i think i was introduced to many topics at a very young age. in many ways, my sister, “angie,” turned out like my parents. she proclaims that she’s “sex-positive,” and has no qualms with openly discussing sex in great detail at every opportunity. she believes that if a person is uncomfortable, they must be a “conservative virgin/prude who clearly hates all forms of self-expression.” (her words). my wife, “zara,” isn’t a huge fan of pda. other than hand-holding or occasional kisses on the cheek, she isn’t comfortable with doing much in public. we’re also not the type of people to discuss our sex-life with people, much less family. angie doesn’t like zara. she believes that zara is too “conservative/prudish” for our family. she often makes fun of zara for “looking embarrassed,” when she’s discussing, in excruciating detail, about sex. zara barely says anything, but angie still manages to make fun of her. i don’t speak to angie much. recently, zara’s brother passed away. angie’s husband, “bill,” knew his partner and wanted to pass on his condolences. zara, angie, bill, and i all wanted to attend his wake. instead of taking separate cars, angie suggested that we all go together. to be honest, i was not a huge fan of this idea. it was a two hour drive from where we live to our destination. also, we were planning on leaving very early so that we could help set up and were planning to leave late. we still managed to do it. at first, everything was alright. understandably, no one was speaking in the car and it was very quiet in the car. most people were keeping to themselves or sleeping. midway through the drive, angie and bill start making out in the backseat of our car. when i say “making out,” i mean, full-on, making out. they were pushing up against the car door and making all sorts of noises. zara and i were extremely uncomfortable. i pulled over and started yelling at angie. i told them that i was disgusted by their behaviour and that they were acting like horny little teenagers. angie said that they were grieving. i yelled at them to get out of my car. at first, they were protesting, but i was so angry and so tired of them already. i told them to find their way home by themselves. my parents think that i went too far with them and that zara needs to “loosen up,” in order to be a part of this family. obviously, angie and bill are still extremely pissed. [/INST] nta. sex positive means valuing consent, communication and being free to make informed choices about your body, without feeling judgement or shame. nothing about what your sister is doing is sex positive. continuing to discuss your sex life to someone in great detail, when they have expressed this makes them uncomfortable is not the one. making out in a car with other people there who are clearly not consenting to that is…odd. sounds like someone needs to go and rewatch (or watch) tea and consent. </s>

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