ejjaffe/onion_headlines_2_sources · Datasets at Fast360

text stringlengths 1 926
pope nervous for annual performance review with god
bus passenger suspects man in next seat might be having conversation with him
report: china to overtake u.s. as world's biggest asshole by 2020
rescue dog adopted for couple weeks
mayor of phoenix apologizes for naming berlin germany of 1941 as sister city
life: heartwarming! this police officer wasn’t sure how to reach out to the black youth in his community so he put a pumpkin in front of the park where they hang out sometimes
man nervous about telling date he has her kids
revealing spring attire reminds man he nothing more than weak, hormonal ogre
6 pictures of scarlett johansson that will make you say ‘this is a picture of a boat’
pros and cons of vaccinating children
call from daycare can't be good
petsmart introduces heart-shaped puppy for valentine's day
pregnant woman glows with rage
donald trump: when you're feeling low, just remember i'll be dead in about 15 or 20 years
police satisfied after drunk man assures them there’s no problem - the onion - america's finest news source
sitcom resorts to wizard of oz-themed fantasy episode
kfc responds to stockpiling trend with 576-piece bucket
area loner to dwell on past
tokyo portal outage delays millions of japanese warp commuters
life: genius marketing: poland spring is putting apple juice in its bottles because it tastes better
detective trying to get into mind of litterer
news: marketing win! trojan’s new ad campaign points out that you can also put condoms on your fingers to pick up dead bugs
gimp tied to pole on curb outside coffee shop while owner inside
first holiday season without grandma incredible
playstation classic to include friend who always whooped your ass to complete retro gaming experience
report: your father currently typing 'naked women' into yahoo images search bar
this bitch: of course margot’s only skin routine is splashing her face with water at night
new 23andme feature connects users to others who share genetic tendency to get billed for $199
news: major headache: the blue angels got trapped inside a costco, and no one knows how to get them back outside
‘any song can be sad if it has sad memories attached to it,’ report newly single sources
white house carefully screening any gun control town hall questions that address obama as 'mein führer'
smug new mom going to start a blog
quaker oats assembly-line worker fired for 'oops! all berries' incident
trump selects longtime personal plane to head faa
halliburton gets contract to pry gold fillings from new orleans corpses' teeth
kavanaugh panicking after botching part of confirmation where he asked if he rejects satan
man guessing he's stared at giant sequoia long enough to appreciate it
man asks every trick-or-treater if they’re the real dracula just in case
centipede tearing ass across floor must be really late for something
a nod to the past: ‘the force awakens’ features a scene where george lucas’ lifeless body can be seen drifting through space
picky refugee just expects to be reunited with exact same family as before
gop officials urge calmer, more reasonable death threats toward kavanaugh accuser
no way old man in park not thinking about dead wife
area dad didn't shell out $100 at aquarium for lecture about ecosystem
life: major flub: dave matthews band has been jamming on the ‘ants marching’ riff onstage for 3 weeks while dave tries to remember the fiddle player’s name and finish introducing the band
friends can't stand couple's public displays of hostility
jeremy piven outraged microsoft word doesn't recognize his name
woman barista getting a lot better at avoiding touching male patrons’ hands when they pay
i'm going to space camp! yayyyyyaaawwwww...
god loses decision-making coin
part of the 1%: bernie sanders is tanking in the polls after a dna test revealed that he’s king
ed mcmahon endorses another depressing product
report: there probably not the best place to stand
dnc committee throws bound jay inslee onto melting iceberg before pushing him out to sea
hillary clinton hints at presidential ambitions by concealing information from american people
john kerry sits in shadows of kiev café awaiting woman known only as dasha
crowd can't believe balls on frontman who waited till third song to ask them how they're doing
oscar countdown 2002 begins
tensions mount after north korea destroys all of asia
study: best method of finding job still excitedly circling newspaper listing in red marker
supreme court told to take down tip jar
nation wishes it could just once be reminded of preciousness of life without mass shooting
obama supporter has perfectly improbable explanation absolving president from blame for scandals
severe allergic reaction causes florida to swell up to twice normal size
you take away guns, and someone’s just gonna invent, manufacture, and use a high-powered knife launcher
salamanders bravely offer to go extinct in place of better animal
environmental study finds air in chicago now 75% bullets
area waitress has one hell of an ass on her, local man will tell you that right now
boss’s clout evaporates after he’s seen in shorts at company picnic
passersby can’t help but stare at woman’s huge kids
area 93-year-old has death-after-life experience
nemesis lands alumni magazine cover
magical office worker able to turn everything he touches into more work for colleagues
nation's gynecologists assure women that whatever gets stuck in there they can get out
boyfriend plans magical evening down to first detail
backstreet boys release first single since 2013
entertainment writer has knack for making complex pop culture concepts accessible to lay readers
laura bush publishes courageous op-ed calling for imprisonment of whoever created ice
i didn't think it was the onion at first, it seems realistic... new facebook feature scans profile to pinpoint exactly when things went wrong
fd&c blue #5 to restore beauty of world's oceans
report: average american has just 20% of what it takes
alleged nazi war criminal deported back to germany
matt lauer returns to today show following 2-day suspension
metlife, goodyear tragically merge
woman already off to bad start as mother after requesting epidural
news: the last hurdle: congress has informed puerto rico it can’t be the 51st state until it gets its obesity rate up to the u.s. average
queen elizabeth frantically trying to preserve european alliances by arranging great-grandchildren's marriages
can’t go on reddit at work? this man checks it out for you
area man already knows which chicken tender he's saving for last
melania trump stumbles upon dozens of husband’s haunting, macabre self-portraits
george w. bush debuts new paintings of dogs, friends, ghost of iraqi child that follows him everywhere\| the onion
concept car designers struggling to think of cool new ways for doors to open
nation's dads announce plans to trade in the dodge for something with a little more zip
laughter now exclusively used to mask feelings
10 things your parents were right about
house conservatives introduce resolution to impale rod rosenstein
fascinating lore: nintendo revealed that the reason mario always comes back to life after he dies is because both heaven and hell reject his soul
joe paterno's name to remain on joe paterno center for covering up sexual abuse
man prone to lying beds woman prone to lying prone
woman who visited kenya once struts confidently into african store

pope nervous for annual performance review with god

bus passenger suspects man in next seat might be having conversation with him

report: china to overtake u.s. as world's biggest asshole by 2020

rescue dog adopted for couple weeks

mayor of phoenix apologizes for naming berlin germany of 1941 as sister city

life: heartwarming! this police officer wasn’t sure how to reach out to the black youth in his community so he put a pumpkin in front of the park where they hang out sometimes

man nervous about telling date he has her kids

revealing spring attire reminds man he nothing more than weak, hormonal ogre

6 pictures of scarlett johansson that will make you say ‘this is a picture of a boat’

pros and cons of vaccinating children

call from daycare can't be good

petsmart introduces heart-shaped puppy for valentine's day

pregnant woman glows with rage

donald trump: when you're feeling low, just remember i'll be dead in about 15 or 20 years

police satisfied after drunk man assures them there’s no problem - the onion - america's finest news source

sitcom resorts to wizard of oz-themed fantasy episode

kfc responds to stockpiling trend with 576-piece bucket

area loner to dwell on past

tokyo portal outage delays millions of japanese warp commuters

life: genius marketing: poland spring is putting apple juice in its bottles because it tastes better

detective trying to get into mind of litterer

news: marketing win! trojan’s new ad campaign points out that you can also put condoms on your fingers to pick up dead bugs

gimp tied to pole on curb outside coffee shop while owner inside

first holiday season without grandma incredible

playstation classic to include friend who always whooped your ass to complete retro gaming experience

report: your father currently typing 'naked women' into yahoo images search bar

this bitch: of course margot’s only skin routine is splashing her face with water at night

new 23andme feature connects users to others who share genetic tendency to get billed for $199

news: major headache: the blue angels got trapped inside a costco, and no one knows how to get them back outside

‘any song can be sad if it has sad memories attached to it,’ report newly single sources

white house carefully screening any gun control town hall questions that address obama as 'mein führer'

smug new mom going to start a blog

quaker oats assembly-line worker fired for 'oops! all berries' incident

trump selects longtime personal plane to head faa

halliburton gets contract to pry gold fillings from new orleans corpses' teeth

kavanaugh panicking after botching part of confirmation where he asked if he rejects satan

man guessing he's stared at giant sequoia long enough to appreciate it

man asks every trick-or-treater if they’re the real dracula just in case

centipede tearing ass across floor must be really late for something

a nod to the past: ‘the force awakens’ features a scene where george lucas’ lifeless body can be seen drifting through space

picky refugee just expects to be reunited with exact same family as before

gop officials urge calmer, more reasonable death threats toward kavanaugh accuser

no way old man in park not thinking about dead wife

area dad didn't shell out $100 at aquarium for lecture about ecosystem

life: major flub: dave matthews band has been jamming on the ‘ants marching’ riff onstage for 3 weeks while dave tries to remember the fiddle player’s name and finish introducing the band

friends can't stand couple's public displays of hostility

jeremy piven outraged microsoft word doesn't recognize his name

woman barista getting a lot better at avoiding touching male patrons’ hands when they pay

i'm going to space camp! yayyyyyaaawwwww...

god loses decision-making coin

part of the 1%: bernie sanders is tanking in the polls after a dna test revealed that he’s king

ed mcmahon endorses another depressing product

report: there probably not the best place to stand

dnc committee throws bound jay inslee onto melting iceberg before pushing him out to sea

hillary clinton hints at presidential ambitions by concealing information from american people

john kerry sits in shadows of kiev café awaiting woman known only as dasha

crowd can't believe balls on frontman who waited till third song to ask them how they're doing

oscar countdown 2002 begins

tensions mount after north korea destroys all of asia

study: best method of finding job still excitedly circling newspaper listing in red marker

supreme court told to take down tip jar

nation wishes it could just once be reminded of preciousness of life without mass shooting

obama supporter has perfectly improbable explanation absolving president from blame for scandals

severe allergic reaction causes florida to swell up to twice normal size

you take away guns, and someone’s just gonna invent, manufacture, and use a high-powered knife launcher

salamanders bravely offer to go extinct in place of better animal

environmental study finds air in chicago now 75% bullets

area waitress has one hell of an ass on her, local man will tell you that right now

boss’s clout evaporates after he’s seen in shorts at company picnic

passersby can’t help but stare at woman’s huge kids

area 93-year-old has death-after-life experience

nemesis lands alumni magazine cover

magical office worker able to turn everything he touches into more work for colleagues

nation's gynecologists assure women that whatever gets stuck in there they can get out

boyfriend plans magical evening down to first detail

backstreet boys release first single since 2013

entertainment writer has knack for making complex pop culture concepts accessible to lay readers

laura bush publishes courageous op-ed calling for imprisonment of whoever created ice

i didn't think it was the onion at first, it seems realistic... new facebook feature scans profile to pinpoint exactly when things went wrong

fd&c blue #5 to restore beauty of world's oceans

report: average american has just 20% of what it takes

alleged nazi war criminal deported back to germany

matt lauer returns to today show following 2-day suspension

metlife, goodyear tragically merge

woman already off to bad start as mother after requesting epidural

news: the last hurdle: congress has informed puerto rico it can’t be the 51st state until it gets its obesity rate up to the u.s. average

queen elizabeth frantically trying to preserve european alliances by arranging great-grandchildren's marriages

can’t go on reddit at work? this man checks it out for you

area man already knows which chicken tender he's saving for last

melania trump stumbles upon dozens of husband’s haunting, macabre self-portraits

george w. bush debuts new paintings of dogs, friends, ghost of iraqi child that follows him everywhere| the onion

concept car designers struggling to think of cool new ways for doors to open

nation's dads announce plans to trade in the dodge for something with a little more zip

laughter now exclusively used to mask feelings

10 things your parents were right about

house conservatives introduce resolution to impale rod rosenstein

fascinating lore: nintendo revealed that the reason mario always comes back to life after he dies is because both heaven and hell reject his soul

joe paterno's name to remain on joe paterno center for covering up sexual abuse

man prone to lying beds woman prone to lying prone

woman who visited kenya once struts confidently into african store