ejjaffe/onion_headlines_2_sources · Datasets at Fast360

text stringlengths 1 926
life: ready to feel young and fat? the dad from ‘malcolm in the middle’ just turned 8 years old and weighs 17 pounds
man wouldn't have worn costume to work if he'd known he was getting laid off
nation’s cable companies announce they’re just going to take $100 from everyone
marilu henner named u.s. secretary of mid-level talent
girl power! american girl has released a new doll who was alive during the civil rights movement but didn’t really help at all
swiss unable to maintain neutrality toward delicious pastries
boy's whale-song imitation not helping anything
salad suppliers pledge to continue including just enough in bag that some will go bad if you’re single
life: must-see tv: bill maher spent the entirety of last night’s ‘real time’ episode tearfully trying to free himself from a chinese finger trap
discouraged bush begins seeking approval of other nations
kid honors grandpa's memory with solemn cannonball
god wondering how far he could throw earth
roger goodell lays wreath at national football league cemetery in super bowl tradition
tim ryan attempting to stand out from other candidates on debate stage by wearing blue power ranger costume
‘the onion’ has obtained donald trump’s tax returns and has chosen to destroy them
indianapolis motor speedway forced to lower speed limit to 20 mph after elementary school opens next to straightaway
mit researchers create ‘psychopath’ ai by feeding it reddit data
video: heartbreaking: strongman gets locked in an empty room with no heavy things to lift
area man to attend grad school to find a girlfriend
unclear if grandma just friends with 81-year-old widowed man
supreme court rules gay rights do not extend to dessert
baited someone on facebook in response to a feel good animal story
glitch in country allows citizens to temporarily walk through tables
jaws of death used to stuff woman into burning car
‘diversity was the real winner last night,’ report hundreds of dumbasses whose very existence insults the name of journalism
dignified cat dressed in adorable, painful sweater
man nothing but lumbering golem of rewards cards
news: no stone unturned: parents of missing children are petitioning shaq to give his suit just one good shake in case their missing children are lost in there
pope francis donates clothing to needy refugees
teddy bear feels terrible for sparking 'what are we?' conversation
podcaster makes solemn promise to improve sound quality next episode
census adds question asking participants to identify any unpatriotic neighbor
judge sentences lori loughlin to 100 hours of community theater
area man needs two more trips to best buy to beat xbox 360 game
‘rolling stone’ offering readers 6-month free trial period for buying company
man's alcoholism getting a little out of hand
grandma defiantly taking scone recipe to grave
university suspends all lightweights from campus following fraternity hazing death
freakonomist keeps close eye on ge stock versus height of mexican weightlifters
3 dozen chemical, emotional responses activated by phrase 'pigs in a blanket'
pharmaceutical rep assures doctor he personally tries every drug he promotes
life: be prepared: experts warn that this polyamorous relationship could expand to cover all of seattle by 2021
justice scalia endorses new easton gaveling gloves
dad thought he could make it out of zoo without buying kids light-up shit
rate of uninformed conversations about navy seals skyrockets
same americans who made taylor swift popular polled on constitutionality of health care reform
area photo 201 students all take pictures of same homeless guy
9 signs you’re destined to be single
u.s. closes final wwii internment camp
choking man can already tell good samaritan has no fucking clue what they're doing
76 million baby boomers abscond to fiji after draining nation's social security, medicare accounts
allergy sufferer dies after being stung by dog
news: all in: pennsylvania has eradicated all plant life but one pomegranate tree in a desperate bid to rebrand as the pomegranate state
trump administration announces new $20 bill design honoring harriet tubman's owners
new bar to feature 'sports' theme
study finds paint aisle at lowe's best place to have complete meltdown
dead daughter would have wanted $220 million liability settlement
body positivity win: dad is changing out of his swimsuit in the beach parking lot with his bare ass in plain view of everyone
mysterious necrotic skin disease continues to eat away at baby's face weeks after being kissed by ted cruz
friend of friend better friend than friend
old friends from high school meet up every year to say names of former classmates
fey rights group demands distinction from homosexuals
realistic day planner only includes first couple weeks after purchase
mtv promotes, airs, condemns controversial new video
girl slept with for her sake
friend tells depressing details of how he's covered by freelancers union
tim kaine found riding conveyor belt during factory campaign stop
the 10 things all indian parents said in unison yesterday without knowing why
argument about capital of australia occurs 10 feet from encyclopedia
study: red meat takes years off of cow's life
mad lib filled with swears
vatican quickly performs damage control on pope's tolerant remarks
experts warn beef could act as gateway meat to human flesh
steve kerr reminds warriors to seem sad demarcus cousins injured
john mccain requests ashes be launched into iraq
mom not joking when she says she wants picture of grown kids in bath for old time's sake
bertolli packaging promises empty ravioli floating in filling-saturated water in just 5 minutes
take that, drumpf lovers! a research team at mit has conclusively proved that trump = voldemort
87% of eagles home crowd listening to nfc championship on car radio after getting thrown out of stadium
lunch barely misses area man's vital organs
seaworld responds to california drought by draining animal tanks halfway
'onion book of known knowledge' contains cure for hiv
man checks to make sure no one home before recording song into laptop
narrow gaps in bathroom stall doors to be widened monday
news: huge blunder: cnn just accidentally published the article they have prepared for when jesus christ returns to earth
i don’t vaccinate my child because it’s my right to decide what eliminated diseases come roaring back
breakup survival tips
defense needs to be more physical, reports man slumped on couch for past 5 hours
naked, dripping wet tom brady thrilled by judge's decision to overturn suspension, imagines judge
even consumer's subconscious can tell banner ad campaign ineffective
man overjoyed he no longer has to purchase entire day’s worth of egg mcmuffins in morning
local woman has story about how she got these shoes
parents also proud of unsuccessful child
date’s flaws coming at woman faster than she can rationalize them
employees given list of doctors shitty enough to accept company's health insurance plan
u.s. to give every iraqi $3,544.91, let free-market capitalism do the rest
americans demand crispier outside
12-year-old hispanic boy not sure if he's supposed to be looking up to marco rubio
songs that are always on in background expected to win big at grammys
huntsman drops out, endorses huntsman

life: ready to feel young and fat? the dad from ‘malcolm in the middle’ just turned 8 years old and weighs 17 pounds

man wouldn't have worn costume to work if he'd known he was getting laid off

nation’s cable companies announce they’re just going to take $100 from everyone

marilu henner named u.s. secretary of mid-level talent

girl power! american girl has released a new doll who was alive during the civil rights movement but didn’t really help at all

swiss unable to maintain neutrality toward delicious pastries

boy's whale-song imitation not helping anything

salad suppliers pledge to continue including just enough in bag that some will go bad if you’re single

life: must-see tv: bill maher spent the entirety of last night’s ‘real time’ episode tearfully trying to free himself from a chinese finger trap

discouraged bush begins seeking approval of other nations

kid honors grandpa's memory with solemn cannonball

god wondering how far he could throw earth

roger goodell lays wreath at national football league cemetery in super bowl tradition

tim ryan attempting to stand out from other candidates on debate stage by wearing blue power ranger costume

‘the onion’ has obtained donald trump’s tax returns and has chosen to destroy them

indianapolis motor speedway forced to lower speed limit to 20 mph after elementary school opens next to straightaway

mit researchers create ‘psychopath’ ai by feeding it reddit data

video: heartbreaking: strongman gets locked in an empty room with no heavy things to lift

area man to attend grad school to find a girlfriend

unclear if grandma just friends with 81-year-old widowed man

supreme court rules gay rights do not extend to dessert

baited someone on facebook in response to a feel good animal story

glitch in country allows citizens to temporarily walk through tables

jaws of death used to stuff woman into burning car

‘diversity was the real winner last night,’ report hundreds of dumbasses whose very existence insults the name of journalism

dignified cat dressed in adorable, painful sweater

man nothing but lumbering golem of rewards cards

news: no stone unturned: parents of missing children are petitioning shaq to give his suit just one good shake in case their missing children are lost in there

pope francis donates clothing to needy refugees

teddy bear feels terrible for sparking 'what are we?' conversation

podcaster makes solemn promise to improve sound quality next episode

census adds question asking participants to identify any unpatriotic neighbor

judge sentences lori loughlin to 100 hours of community theater

area man needs two more trips to best buy to beat xbox 360 game

‘rolling stone’ offering readers 6-month free trial period for buying company

man's alcoholism getting a little out of hand

grandma defiantly taking scone recipe to grave

university suspends all lightweights from campus following fraternity hazing death

freakonomist keeps close eye on ge stock versus height of mexican weightlifters

3 dozen chemical, emotional responses activated by phrase 'pigs in a blanket'

pharmaceutical rep assures doctor he personally tries every drug he promotes

life: be prepared: experts warn that this polyamorous relationship could expand to cover all of seattle by 2021

justice scalia endorses new easton gaveling gloves

dad thought he could make it out of zoo without buying kids light-up shit

rate of uninformed conversations about navy seals skyrockets

same americans who made taylor swift popular polled on constitutionality of health care reform

area photo 201 students all take pictures of same homeless guy

9 signs you’re destined to be single

u.s. closes final wwii internment camp

choking man can already tell good samaritan has no fucking clue what they're doing

76 million baby boomers abscond to fiji after draining nation's social security, medicare accounts

allergy sufferer dies after being stung by dog

news: all in: pennsylvania has eradicated all plant life but one pomegranate tree in a desperate bid to rebrand as the pomegranate state

trump administration announces new $20 bill design honoring harriet tubman's owners

new bar to feature 'sports' theme

study finds paint aisle at lowe's best place to have complete meltdown

dead daughter would have wanted $220 million liability settlement

body positivity win: dad is changing out of his swimsuit in the beach parking lot with his bare ass in plain view of everyone

mysterious necrotic skin disease continues to eat away at baby's face weeks after being kissed by ted cruz

friend of friend better friend than friend

old friends from high school meet up every year to say names of former classmates

fey rights group demands distinction from homosexuals

realistic day planner only includes first couple weeks after purchase

mtv promotes, airs, condemns controversial new video

girl slept with for her sake

friend tells depressing details of how he's covered by freelancers union

tim kaine found riding conveyor belt during factory campaign stop

the 10 things all indian parents said in unison yesterday without knowing why

argument about capital of australia occurs 10 feet from encyclopedia

study: red meat takes years off of cow's life

mad lib filled with swears

vatican quickly performs damage control on pope's tolerant remarks

experts warn beef could act as gateway meat to human flesh

steve kerr reminds warriors to seem sad demarcus cousins injured

john mccain requests ashes be launched into iraq

mom not joking when she says she wants picture of grown kids in bath for old time's sake

bertolli packaging promises empty ravioli floating in filling-saturated water in just 5 minutes

take that, drumpf lovers! a research team at mit has conclusively proved that trump = voldemort

87% of eagles home crowd listening to nfc championship on car radio after getting thrown out of stadium

lunch barely misses area man's vital organs

seaworld responds to california drought by draining animal tanks halfway

'onion book of known knowledge' contains cure for hiv

man checks to make sure no one home before recording song into laptop

narrow gaps in bathroom stall doors to be widened monday

news: huge blunder: cnn just accidentally published the article they have prepared for when jesus christ returns to earth

i don’t vaccinate my child because it’s my right to decide what eliminated diseases come roaring back

breakup survival tips

defense needs to be more physical, reports man slumped on couch for past 5 hours

naked, dripping wet tom brady thrilled by judge's decision to overturn suspension, imagines judge

even consumer's subconscious can tell banner ad campaign ineffective

man overjoyed he no longer has to purchase entire day’s worth of egg mcmuffins in morning

local woman has story about how she got these shoes

parents also proud of unsuccessful child

date’s flaws coming at woman faster than she can rationalize them

employees given list of doctors shitty enough to accept company's health insurance plan

u.s. to give every iraqi $3,544.91, let free-market capitalism do the rest

americans demand crispier outside

12-year-old hispanic boy not sure if he's supposed to be looking up to marco rubio

songs that are always on in background expected to win big at grammys

huntsman drops out, endorses huntsman