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Dataset card Data Studio Files
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MUSIC IN: EXT. STREET - DAY CARTER: (INTO PHONE) What do you think I said? Oh. I told Sydney she's more than welcome to freeze her own head when she dies, but mine is being cremated and scattered at the nearest Hooters. Yeah, I know. She's crazy! Even if it works, who wants to live forever! Live fast, die young, you know? (SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH) (SFX: CAR HORN HONKS) CARTER: Hey! What are you doing? The sign said walk! MILLS: No way! My light was green! (F/X: TRAFFIC SIGNAL FLASHES) CARTER: You ever see a street light malfunction like that before? MILLS: That's not a malfunction. (BEAT) That's an S.O.S. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) MUSIC IN: EXT. STREET INTERSECTION - DAY CARTER: The lights went crazy. They all started blinking. MILLS: And my light was green, so it surprised me that anybody... (FLASHBULBS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. UNDERGROUND - DAY MCGEE: City engineers traced the disturbance to an underground power node. Back traced the source, they found this. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. JUNCTION ROOM - DAY (DOOR OPENS) TONY: Hey Boss. Meet Marine Officer Major John Maguire. At least that's what his I.D. says. It's hard to tell with the, you know, the one eye. GIBBS: Yeah, where's the missing one? TONY: Your guess is as good as mine. The Major worked under Marine Corps Systems Command as liaison to the civilian sector for NBC preparedness. MCGEE: Nuclear, biological, and chemical. TONY: Very good. I'm proud of you. Like a weird uncle. Hey, boss, you may not have noticed, but the... GIBBS: Door locks from the outside. TONY: Oh, so you noticed that. MCGEE: Meaning someone else locked him down here. GIBBS: Yeah, you really want to impress me, McGee, tell me why. He know where his S.O.S. was going? MCGEE: Not a chance. Shorting the power box was clever, but a shot in the dark. Lucky it worked at all. ZIVA: And someone was able to figure it out. DUCKY: That's precisely why S.O.S. was chosen, because it was so very recognizable. Dot-dot-dot, dash-dash-dash, dot-dot-dot. Unlike the old signal which was CQD, come quick distress. GIBBS: Just the S.O.S.? ZIVA: That's all he sent. MCGEE: Morse code's a dying art. ZIVA: Was for him. TONY: Well, he could have sent a longer message, but nobody would have recognized it. Present company excepted. GIBBS: Cause of death? DUCKY: Well, he didn't suffocate. There are no signs of cyanosis to indicate oxygen deprivation. No petechial hemorrhages that would indicate strangulation. There's no blunt or sharp force trauma. In fact, there is no sign of any trauma at all. MCGEE: Other than the missing eye. DUCKY: That would explain his death, Timothy. GIBBS: The blood came from somewhere. DUCKY: Yes, well, the blood on the hands is superficial, from several torn cuticles and pads. TONY: It looks like he literally tried to climb the walls. DUCKY: Oh, that's odd. Ninety-nine point one. It appears our corpse is running a slight fever. MCGEE: What happened down here? ZIVA: Whatever happened, someone wanted to watch. DUCKY: (V.O.) Though the idea... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: ... of the artificial eye was centuries old, it didn't really takeoff until the early twentieth century. Yes, a group of Germans toured the United States, custom fitting glass eyes to those who needed them. Yes, which would have included you, Major, had you still been alive. Sadly, the outbreak of war led to shortages, resulting in ill-fitting eyeballs, which had a tendency to pop out during rigorous interpersonal activity. TONY: Such as? DUCKY: I leave that to your imagination, Tony. But I do have a cause of death. GIBBS: I was hoping there was a reason you called me down here, Ducky. DUCKY: Yes, the Major's death occurred as a result of acute organ failure, brought about by hyperthermia. TONY: It wasn't that cold down there. DUCKY: No, hyperthermia, Tony. Not hypo. His body literally became too hot to handle. GIBBS: It wasn't that warm down there. DUCKY: DUCKY: No, indeed it wasn't, but the hyperthermia would explain the elevated body temperature I found at the crime scene. (CONT.) One mystery solved. Unfortunately, the Major does not appear to suffer from any of the risk factors involved in heat stroke. GIBBS: Well, he still managed to die from it. DUCKY: Yes, indeed, he did. You know, certain medications can interfere with the body's cooling processes, but we'll have to wait for Abby's toxicology report to see if that is a factor. TONY: (LAUGHS) I get it. Rigorous interpersonal activities. I get it. Maybe there's a trophy for the crypt keeper? DUCKY: The wound was self-inflicted. GIBBS: Are you saying that he-- DUCKY: He tore out his own eyeball. Now, I found traces of vitreous fluid under his fingernails. TONY: Well, where'd it go? We didn't find an eyeball at the crime scene. DUCKY: (CHUCKLES) It was at the crime scene, all right. Hiding in his stomach. GIBBS: You didn't find a toe in there too, did you, Duck? TONY: How'd it get in his stomach? DUCKY: Oh, I don't know, Tony. But there are only two pathways into the stomach. Neither possibility is particularly appetizing. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ABBY: ABBY: Gibbs! Thank God you're here. I really need your help. You've got to stop me from doing something stupid. I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. (BEAT) All these tattoos. You know, I get really nervous 'cause it's such a final decision. (CONT.) Should I go with something a little esoteric or I don't know, maybe a little Eastern? Huh, Ganesh. The Hindu god of wisdom, for me, the wise one. What do you think? GIBBS: I don't think I'm the one to ask about this. ABBY: But Gibbs, you know me better than anyone else! And when you're going to make a decision that's going to affect the rest of your life, you need the person around you that knows you best for guidance. Please? GIBBS: Where do you want to put the tattoo? ABBY: You're right. You're not the one to ask. Toxicology report. I heard about Ducky's unexplained hyperthermia. I can explain it. I found traces of three quinuclidynyl benzilate in Major Maguire's blood. NATO calls it MZ gas. We call it Agent Buzz. It's an incapacitating agent that causes hyperthermia, severe hallucinations and in large enough doses, death. It's a chemical weapon, Gibbs. GIBBS: Whose? ABBY: It's hard to tell. Chemical weapons are banned, but they're still allowed for research purposes. Even by our own government. GIBBS: Can you tell which lab it came from? ABBY: No, but I do have a lead. The camera that you pulled from the sewer is Wi-Fi based. It works by piggy-backing on local, unprotected networks. Once it's on the internet, it can be routed anywhere at will. And it makes it totally untraceable. GIBBS: But you traced it anyway. Let me know when you-- ABBY: I got an address. GIBBS: Yep. ABBY: No, I mean, I got an address. The killer watched the Major die from a bowling alley. Nineteen Bella Street. Of course, whoever was there is probably long... gone...right now. Hm... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - DAY (SFX: CAR ENGINE OUT) TONY: I've got a bad feeling about this. We let the Elf Lord go in, we may never get him out. MCGEE: It's getting old, Tony. GIBBS: Tony, you and Ziva take the back. Elf Lord, you're with me. (DOOR OPENS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BOWLING ALLEY - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS AND MCGEE WALK THROUGH THE BOWLING ALLEY) (SFX: VIDEO GAMES B.G.) MCGEE: I wonder where everyone is. GIBBS: (INTO RADIO) Talk to me, Ziva. ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) Rear service entrance clear. Standing by. REYNOLDS: (V.O.) Ask me again. I still don't believe you! Look, we can do this nice and easy, or not so nice and easy. Come on, man! Start talking! MANAGER: (V.O.) Hey, man. I said I didn't know! REYNOLDS: (V.O.) I don't believe you! (DOOR OPENS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BACK ROOM - DAY MCGEE: (SHOUTS) Federal agents! Drop it! GIBBS: (SHOUTS) Drop your weapons! AGENT: Nice and easy! REYNOLDS: Federal agents! Put them down! AGENT: Lower your weapons! TONY: NCIS!! Drop your weapons! MANN: Drop your weapons! REYNOLDS: Put it down! MANN: How about if we all drop our weapons, since clearly we're all on the same team? (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MANN: Mamoun Sharif. CID was able to trace an old lead from when Sharif was working as a paid informant for the CIA. The trail led to an alias which led to a credit card. GIBBS: Which led to a bowling alley. MANN: Yep. Funny us running into each other like that. GIBBS: Funny? MANN: Do you have a better word? GIBBS: A few come to mind. MANN: So the real question, are our cases connected. TONY: As connected as McGee and his cute little writing pipe. Prints on the computer that was used to monitor the sewer matched the prints on file from Sharif's CIA report. The Mad Bomber's back. ZIVA: Except he's not using bombs this time. MANN: So where did he get the BZ gas? TONY: One of the Major's duties was to deliver small quantities of weapon's grade gasses to civilian research labs. GIBBS: Ziva, you and Tony... ZIVA: Run down the list of the Major's deliveries starting with the most recent. GIBBS: And find out... TONY: If any of them were BZ gas. On it, Boss. MANN: They always finish your sentences for you? GIBBS: I teach them to anticipate. MANN: Well, they do it well. You must be a good teacher. GIBBS: Well, thank you very much. (LAUGHS) MCGEE: Ah, Boss, if Sharif was trying to cover his tracks, why would he go to all this trouble just to kill Major Maguire? MANN: It does seem unusual that Sharif would have wasted the BZ gas the way he did. GIBBS: He wasn't wasting it. He was testing it. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SHEPARD'S OFFICE - DAY SHEPARD: Testing it for what? GIBBS: It's a chemical weapon. Take a guess. SHEPARD: I meant do you have anything specific? A date? A target? MANN: No. Nothing yet. SHEPARD: Is there any hard intel suggesting that Sharif is planning an attack? GIBBS: You mean other than the dead guy in our morgue? MANN: If you're worried about the lack of chatter... GIBBS: Don't. MANN: ... the last time Sharif planned an attack, there was zero uptick. SHEPARD: He certainly proved last time that he was a pro at flying beneath our radar. MANN: Yes, but even if he's planning on not using the gas himself... GIBBS: Sell it to someone who will. MANN: Yep. SHEPARD: Homeland Security certainly loves non-specific threats. MANN: So how are we going to handle this? Our investigations have merged. Who is going to take the lead? SHEPARD: You'll be working under Agent Gibbs. Your boss and I flipped a coin for it. Is that a problem? MANN: No problem. I'm just... GIBBS: Used to being on top. MANN: In command, yes. But I've worked with Agent Gibbs before, and I'm happy to again. SHEPARD: Hmm. (SHEPARD NODS HER HEAD) (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HALLWAY - DAY MANN: You two have worked together a while, huh? GIBBS: Mm-hmm. MANN: How long? GIBBS: Reason you're asking? MANN: Just curious. (BEAT) Forget it. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/MANN AND SHEPARD WALK IN HALLWAY) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HALLWAY - DAY GORDON: Major Maguire was here last week. Secured delivery. Shame what happened. TONY: You seem real broken up. GORDON: Hey, I got my own problems. We upsized our operation after Nine Eleven. Things haven't quite panned out. Lines out the door for Game Box Three, and I got warehouses of this, no one wants, and creditors up the wazoo. ZIVA: Up wazoo? TONY: Good luck with that one. (SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) TONY: Oh, wait a minute. Give me a second. (INTO PHONE) Hi. ZIVA: He's got two cell phones, one for each ear. TONY: (INTO PHONE) Yeah. I can take a rain check. (V.O.) Everything all right? (INTO PHONE) All right, I'll talk to you later. ZIVA: Sounds like you have something up your wazoo. A doctor's probe, perhaps? GORDON: Look, I have a business to run. If you have any more questions, you can ask our chief engineer. He's in here. (DOOR OPENS) GORDON: Dane, tell them what they need to know. Okay? (BEAT) Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY DANE: What do you need to know? TONY: Well, my partner probably needs to know your home phone number. (F/X: ZIVA HITS TONY) (SFX: TONY GRUNTS) TONY: See, if you just let it go, he would have thought I was kidding. ZIVA: I don't want your number. DANE: What do you want? ZIVA: You got a delivery of BZ gas last week. TONY: We need to confirm shipment details. DANE: Invoice number? TONY: So if chemical weapons are banned, how come you guys are still doing research with them? DANE: Not everyone plays by the same rules as us. We still need to certify that our safety devices will be functional against a rogue attack. Military provides us with the samples, certify our devices. Then we do the testing. Here we go. Four kilograms of BZ concentrate. TONY: Four? According to SYSCOM records, it was fourteen. DANE: We asked for four. That's what the Major signed over to us. ZIVA: Ten kilograms missing. TONY: (WHISPERS) Is that a lot? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY MCGEE: So then the Colonel says to Gibbs, "Funny us running into each other like that." ABBY: McGee, you are reading way too much into this. MCGEE: Abby, you were not there. You did not see the look on Gibbs' face. GIBBS: Look at what, McGee? MCGEE: Hi, Boss. I was... I was just... MANN: Talking about us behind our backs? ABBY: Well, we were trying to. (SFX: COMPUTER BEEP TONES) GIBBS: What do you got on Sharif? MANN: Or Maguire? MCGEE: Well, we've been digging all day trying to find the connection. ABBY: Um, one possibility? GIBBS: A twenty thousand dollar deposit. MANN: Wired from an offshore bank account two days ago. GIBBS: Is Sharif the source of that wire? ABBY: Well, he didn't sign his name on it. MCGEE: If we can track the source, it might give us a lead on him. GIBBS: Yeah, do it. ABBY: Oh, wait! There's more! MCGEE: The Wi-Fi camera that Sharif used, it stream videoed Major Maguire in real time to Sharif's computer. ABBY: And we all know that the internet was designed to be a redundant communications protocol. MCGEE: And we were able to use that redundancy to find echoes of the original stream by locating the separated packets as they were routed from... (MCGEE CONTINUES B.G.) MANN: How long will they go on like this? GIBBS: Until we stop them. MCGEE: ...ISP to ISP... MANN: McGee! Bottom line. MCGEE: We've got the video Sharif took of Major Maguire before he died. ABBY: First he tried to pick the lock. MCGEE: Then he called for help. About a half hour later, he gets the idea to try and signal using the power box on the wall, which caused the traffic lights on the street to blink. ABBY: Watch what happens when the BZ goes into effect. MANN: Oh, he looks really agitated. MCGEE: The BZ gas causes severe hallucinations. ABBY: He is literally losing his mind. Now we know how an eyeball got in his stomach. MANN: How much? ABBY: This was the result of roughly ten milligrams of exposure. MCGEE: (BEAT) What? GIBBS: We're missing ten kilograms, McGee. MCGEE: That's like a million times more. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Good news, Boss. Gordon Gear ran a full inventory. ZIVA: The only thing unaccounted for was the BZ gas. GIBBS: Does that mean you found Sharif? TONY: I guess he's still unaccounted for, too. GIBBS: He's someplace doing something. Figure out where and find him! TONY: I've got an idea! Campfire! ZIVA: No! TONY: Yes! Campfire is where we all get together and in a free environment, you know, without hugging and everything, we uh... not a big fan of the campfire. MANN: And where's he going? MCGEE: Same place he always goes to think. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BASEMENT - DAY (DOOR OPENS) (KNOCK ON DOOR) MANN: I thought you'd like to know that Sharif made it to the top of every agency's most wanted list. Homeland Security's all over it. (BEAT) Where's your boat? GIBBS: Oh, had to move it to make some room. MANN: Yeah, but... GIBBS: They're covering their asses. MANN: But where...? GIBBS: It'll take them days to do anything. MANN: Yeah, well they want a briefing. Chemical weapons are notoriously difficult to deal with. And ten kilograms is a large amount. It could be a land-based attack. GIBBS: Or it's something else we haven't thought of yet. MANN: Well, that's what I'm here for. GIBBS: Is it? MANN: You say that like you were expecting something else. Or is it hoping? GIBBS: Whatcha got in the bag? MANN: Dinner. GIBBS: Why don't we start with that? MANN: So maybe Sharif is just going to sell the BZ. GIBBS: He's not. MANN: And you're so sure of that because? GIBBS: His eyes. MANN: His eyes? GIBBS: He doesn't want the money. He wants to kill. MANN: Who? Sharif's sold himself out to the highest bidder his whole life, no matter what side they were on. And what's changed? GIBBS: People get older. Realize that they want something different. MANN: And you can tell this just by looking into someone's eyes? GIBBS: Yeah. MANN: Okay. What do you see in my eyes? GIBBS: (LONG BEAT) You want me to kiss you. MANN: So are you going to? GIBBS: Yeah. MANN: When? GIBBS: After we catch Sharif. MANN: That's probably a good idea. GIBBS: Really? 'Cause I was hoping you wouldn't think that-- MANN: No, no, no. It's a good idea, and I'd better go before I change my mind. Ah, you know, we're a distraction to your team. We can't have anything interfering with finding Sharif. GIBBS: Yeah, we're going to find him. Then what? MANN: Interfere. (SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: (INTO PHONE) Hello, Agent Gibbs. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) What do you want, Sharif? (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: (INTO PHONE) No pleasantries? That's not very friendly, Agent Gibbs. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) You want friendly? The front door is open. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Bring coffee. MAMOUN SHARIF: (INTO PHONE) I did. But you weren't home. (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: (V.O./FILTERED) Nice place. Got some decorating tips, but first things first. (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: (INTO PHONE) I know you are aware I have almost ten kilograms of BZ gas in my possession. (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: (V.O./FILTERED) I wasn't expecting applause... (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: (INTO PHONE) ... but I was hoping for a little bit more. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) What do you want? MAMOUN SHARIF: (V.O./FILTERED) The United States Government is holding six alleged members of a Chechen separatist group... (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: (INTO PHONE) ... in a secret prison in Afghanistan. I want them released within the next twenty-four hours. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Not going to happen. MAMOUN SHARIF: (V.O./FILTERED) Because the United States does not negotiate with terrorists. (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: (INTO PHONE) But you misunderstand. We are not negotiating. (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: (V.O./FILTERED) Either you release those men.... (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: (INTO PHONE) ....or I will release more of the BZ gas. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) More? MAMOUN SHARIF: (V.O./FILTERED) It's hard to say how many have been exposed. (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: (INTO PHONE) Airborne weaponry is a tricky business. (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: (V.O./FILTERED) But I am sure the eleven o'clock news will have a pretty good figure by now. (SFX: GIBBS CLICKS ON THE TV) ZNN REPORTER: (ON TV) ... hospital. Authorities are not certain what has caused the mystery illness. There are no fatalities as of yet, but at least six people have fallen sick. (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: (INTO PHONE) Actually, counting you, Agent Gibbs, that makes seven. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. OUTER AUTOPSY - DAY ABBY: Poor Gibbs. First he loses his memory, and now he might lose his mind. ZIVA: Sharif is going to lose a lot more than that when Gibbs catches him. (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) ABBY: Is he going crazy? DUCKY: No, he's his usual self. Which some people might characterize as unconventional. I didn't find any trace of BZ gas in either of them. Sharif appears to be bluffing. You're welcome to... ABBY: Gibbs! I was so worried!(ABBY HUGS GIBBS) GIBBS: I'm okay, Abs. MANN: Yeah, me too. ZIVA: No fatalities at the hospital. The dose was too low. They're reporting it as food poisoning. But the word is already beginning to leak out. GIBBS: How did Sharif deliver the BZ?(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE) ABBY: I can't tell yet. The pattern of illnesses appears random. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ELEVATOR - DAY ZIVA: We're still trying to find a link between Sharif and the Chechen rebels. GIBBS: You won't find one. He's trying to distract us. MANN: From what? GIBBS: I don't know! MANN: Then what makes you so sure? ABBY: (BEAT/WHISPERS) Never question the gut. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY (ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE) MCGEE: Oh! GIBBS: Going somewhere, McGee? MCGEE: Actually, looking for you, Boss. I might've found a connection between Sharif's victims. Neighbors reported seeing the same truck outside of two of the houses. MANN: Well, you got a plate? MCGEE: Not enough of one. All I got is a red truck, some kind of logo. GIBBS: Ziva, you and Tony find out if anyone else saw - where the hell is Dinozzo? ZIVA: You tell me. Oh, that's right. You won't. GIBBS: Find him! (SHOUTS) Now! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT (KNOCK ON DOOR) TONY: Paging Miss Benoit. Miss Benoit, please report to your front door, please. (KNOCK ON DOOR) (SFX: CELL PHONE VIBRATES) ON CELL SCREEN: ZIVA CALLING TONY: There's a medical emergency requiring your assistance, Miss Benoit. Patient at your front door is dying of loneliness. JEANNE: So when I said rain check... TONY: That's weird. Because I thought you said brain checks. Some kind of breakfast cereal good for your brain. What's wrong? JEANNE: It doesn't have anything to do with you.(DOOR OPENS) TONY: That's not what I asked. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT (DOOR CLOSES) TONY: If you don't want to tell me, I can always look at your horoscope or read some team leaves. JEANNE: What is it about "no" that men refuse to understand!? TONY: Is this all men, or just me? JEANNE: I got an email from an old friend. TONY: And this old friend is not good at the no word? JEANNE: No, this friend isn't! TONY: This is starting to sound like this may have something to do with me. JEANNE: Not everything is about you. TONY: Okay, then! Enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think of me? JEANNE: Beaches. Bette Midler. Nineteen eighty-seven. TONY: Nineteen eighty-eight, actually. But I'm going to give it to you anyway 'cause you're kind of cute. And you win the prize. A night with Francois Truffaut. Well, actually probably a couple nights - maybe even a long weekend. We can start with the foreign blows. JEANNE: I love Truffaut. TONY: Just so we're clear. You know, to make sure there's no confusion in the future, when we use the word "rain check," we're saying "no" now, right? JEANNE: Not no with a capital, more like a lower case no. TONY: Yes, that's perfectly unclear. You see, this might be why men have trouble understand the feminine of the "no" word thingy. I'm digging myself a hole here. JEANNE: Yeah. TONY: You know, since I'm here, it's a shame to waste me. I vote for a group bath. (SFX: JEANNE CHUCKLES) TONY: Was that a yes or... JEANNE: It wasn't a no. TONY: Ah! Very good. (SFX: WATER RUNS B.G.) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY READS EMAILS ON THE COMPUTER) (SFX: CELL PHONE VIBRATES) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Hey. Is this about the mystery illness?(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) I don't know. You tell... (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) ...me. TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) I'm telling you... (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) I just got the news flash. Sharif? (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Yes. Where are you? (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Off duty. (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Okay, this is getting old, Tony. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) This is why I don't answer your calls. (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) McGee found a connection between victims. Their homes were fumigated by the same firm. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) All right, text me... (SCENE CUT) TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) ... the address ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Where are you?! (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (TONY STAMMERS INTO THE PHONE) JEANNE: (V.O.) Tony? (ON CAMERA) The water's getting cold. TONY: About that rain check. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY SHEPARD: (INTO PHONE) The pest control firm didn't realize that one of their commercial sprayers was missing, until I sent two of my agents to question them. We've IDed Sharif as one of their employees. GIBBS: Former employee. SHEPARD: (INTO PHONE) Call you back. MANN: Sharif hasn't shown for work since the attack. SHEPARD: SHEPARD: Probably because he's too busy preparing for his next one. The missing sprayer is truck-mounted. But it could easily be adapted for a small aircraft. (CONT.) I'm having mobile sensors deployed at every Marine and Naval base on the East Coast. MANN: F.A.A. finished grounding all small aircraft? SHEPARD: In the works. GIBBS: Ducky says there's an antitoxin. MANN: Needs to be delivered to all trauma ones and base hospitals. SHEPARD: In the works. MANN: I hope "in the works" means something different here than it does where I come from. GIBBS: Keep hoping. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. MTAC - HALLUCINATION GIBBS: (SHOUTS) You don't want this being seen? It's too late! Too late! Too late! MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. MTAC - DAY SHEPARD: Jethro? Are you okay? GIBBS: Yeah. Fine.(GIBBS WALKS O.S.) SHEPARD: Colonel Mann. MANN: Yes, Director? SHEPARD: He is not fine. MANN: Well, we're all under a lot of stress. SHEPARD: A word of advice: Agent Gibbs is one of the best agents around. But when it comes to dealing with bureaucracy, it's not one of his stronger points. MANN: Then your point? SHEPARD: My point is that I almost lost him six months ago, and I don't want a repeat. MANN: Well, with all due respect, Ma'am, I think Agent Gibbs can take care of himself. I think you know that. SHEPARD: Yes. I do. That will be all. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY REPORTER ON TV: (V.O.) ...about a possible terrorist attack. There has been no official confirmation, but the FAA continues to ground... (REPORTER CONTINUES B.G.) ABBY: (OVERLAP) Gibbs! We have news. MCGEE: We were able to back trace the wire transfer to Major Maguire. ABBY: It wasn't easy. Most offshore accounts use a block cipher as a security protocol. MCGEE: So what we did was we fooled their system by causing it-- GIBBS: You got a location on Sharif? ABBY: Gibbs, the wire transfer did not come from Sharif. MANN: Who did it come from? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM MCGEE: So this is the guy Ziva was drooling over. ZIVA: I wasn't drooling! TONY: Please. I saw you undressing him with your bedroom eyes. ZIVA: At least I'm not the one asking him if he waxed his eyebrows. TONY: It's important to appreciate the competition. (ZIVA LAUGHS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM (DOOR OPEN) DANE: I want a lawyer. (DOOR CLOSES) GIBBS: Why? You done something wrong? DANE: I'm admitting to nothing. MANN: You don't need to. We already know you wired twenty thousand dollars to Major Maguire. What we don't know is why? GIBBS: I'm gonna make this real simple for you. (V.O.) No lawyer. (ON CAMERA) No trial. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM MANN: (FILTERED) Just a room like this until you talk. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM MANN: That's the way it works for terrorists. DANE: I'm not a terrorist! GIBBS: Well, you better hope you can convince us otherwise. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM DANE: (FILTERED) All right. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM DANE: I diverted the BZ gas to Sharif, not the Major. When I went to cover my tracks... GIBBS: Major Maguire found out. DANE: Yeah. Sharif said he would take care of it. I got worried when the Major disappeared, because I knew the missing BZ would be traced back to me. MANN: So you made it look like Major Maguire sold the gas to Sharif by putting the money in his account. GIBBS: How much did Sharif pay you? DANE: Nothing. I paid him. MANN: What? You just like killing Americans? DANE: We weren't planning on killing anyone. The plan was to scare people! GIBBS: Hey, it's working. DANE: You guys don't get it, do you? Every time there's a catastrophe, someone cashes in. Katrina, the construction companies cleaned up. The tsunami, traders made a killing on tsunami detection stocks. MANN: And during a chemical scare... DANE: Have you checked the stock market today? My lab paid me in stock options. The phony attack that put six people in the hospital. Oh, that worked 'cause everybody is running out and buying gas masks now. The stock prices went through the roof. I'll be a millionaire by tomorrow's bell. GIBBS: You're going to be in prison by tomorrow's bell. MANN: You gave a terrorist deadly nerve gas. DANE: Just wait, all right? It's not what you think! I built in a safeguard. I denatured the enzyme, which makes it useless for an airborne attack. That's the only way that I would give him the BZ gas. GIBBS: Sharif knew? DANE: Stealing the bug sprayer was just to scare people. Sharif has the BZ but he can't even use it. I mean, if you ingest it, it'll kill you. But yea, last time I checked, bleach and bug spray will do the same thing, and you can buy that anywhere. There is no terrorist attack. GIBBS: Then why are there six people in the hospital right now? (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Boss, local LEOs found the stolen sprayers in an alley. No trace of BZ. (LONG BEAT) (TO TONY) I think maybe Dane was right. TONY: Wrong, Probie. This is Sharif. He wouldn't go to all the trouble if he didn't have a plan. And not knowing is driving Boss crazy. MCGEE: Then explain how Sharif is going to spread the BZ if it's been modified? ZIVA: Maybe it wasn't modified. MANN: It was. CID's chemical weapons specialist analyzed the blood of the victims at the hospital and confirmed the BZ's been modified. It's harmless unless ingested. ZIVA: Which is basically harmless. GIBBS: It wasn't harmless for Major Maguire and those six people. TONY: Sharif was in their houses. He could have spiked their O.J. with BZ. MCGEE: Or Sharif figured out a way to modify it back. (SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: (INTO PHONE) Why don't I wait for you to start the trace? (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: (V.O./FILTERED) I just called to see how you were feeling... (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: (INTO PHONE) ... Agent Gibbs. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Better than those six innocent people you put in the hospital MAMOUN SHARIF: (V.O./FILTERED) I'd stop by to pay my respects, but I'm on my way out of town. (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: How about I send you a postcard? I am planning on traveling .... (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: (V.O./FILTERED) ...quite a bit for my retirement. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) And your Chechen buddies? MAMOUN SHARIF: (V.O./FILTERED) I'm not... (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: (INTO PHONE) ... even sure where Chechnya is. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) We both know you're not retiring. MAMOUN SHARIF: (V.O./FILTERED) With what I need.. (SCENE CUT) MAMOUN SHARIF: (INTO PHONE) I plan to ... (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Who were they? (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Wife? (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Family? (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Come on, Sharif. I've been there. I know. It's not... (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) ... the money. It's payback. You won't stop until you get it. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) So who were they? (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: So this is all about payback? MANN: Oh, he's planning an attack. DUCKY: I believe I have a clue as to what that might be. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: Do you see the slight inflammation of the stratum corneum of his finger tips? MANN: Slight? TONY: Looks like he was grating cheese, forgot the cheese. DUCKY: DUCKY: Yes, well, most of the damage occurred when Major Maguire attempted to scale the walls of his crypt. (CONT.) But when I was learned that the BZ gas had been modified so it was no longer an airborne threat, I looked for other methods of exposure. MANN: He ingested it. DUCKY: That's a good guess, but also a wrong one. The answer lies in the Major's urine. Smell that. TONY: I'd prefer not to. GIBBS: (SNIFFS) Garlic. MANN: Sharif is spiking garlic with BZ toxin? DUCKY: No. The contents of his stomach showed that Major Maguire hadn't eaten anything, much less garlic. It appears that Sharif may have been testing a topical method of exposure. Like sunscreen or a body oil. If that is the case, then that would explain both the inflammation and the garlic odor byproduct. Of course, all this will require a specialized analysis from Abby to determine that that is indeed the case. I'm fairly certain that.... where'd they go? TONY: I'm guessing Abby's lab. DUCKY: I know that Gibbs always gets his man, but those two are unusually motivated to find Sharif. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ABBY: DMSO. Or as we professionals call it dimethylsulfoxide. It's an industrial strength solvent that has very interesting side effects. MANN: It carries whatever it comes in contact with directly into the blood stream. ABBY: Wow. Gold star for the Colonel. So it looks like Sharif has mixed BZ with DMSO, which means that all anyone has to do is come in contact with a coated surface to be exposed. The more BZ is in the mix, the faster it'll take effect. Anywhere from ten minutes to thirty-six hours. GIBBS: How many people? ABBY: The bad news, about a hundred thousand. MANN: Oh, well the good news better be really good. ABBY: Well, Sharif is going to have some serious distribution problems. If he were to go door-to-door - right? There's only so many people he can get to before we get him. He could do more damage with a shotgun. (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENE) (SFX: GUNSHOT) (SFX: VOICE SCREAMS) (SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) MANN: Are you going to get that? GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) We've got some tape on Sharif. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) We're on our way up. (TO MANN) Got a lead on Sharif. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: The guy's been a busy little banker. ZIVA: He spent the last three days going from bank to bank. GIBBS: Depositing or withdrawing? MCGEE: Withdrawing. And all of it in singles. ZIVA: Twelve transactions at twelve different banks. MCGEE: Which is why he was flagged. TONY: Anti-laundering law used to say any transaction over ten grand needs to be reported. MANN: But those are nine thousand each. MCGEE: Well, Sharif must have known about the limit. TONY: What he didn't know is that the Fed lowered the threshold to five grand last month. GIBBS: Since when do you know so much about anti-laundering laws, Dinozzo? TONY: Well, you should read your memos more often then, Boss. GIBBS: Or not. MANN: (V.O.) How much? ZIVA: One hundred and eight thousand. MCGEE: A lot of singles. ZIVA: About one hundred and eight thousand. TONY: I have an entirely inappropriate joke about strip clubs, but I'm going to save it for a less terrifying moment. MANN: He's putting the BZ on the money. GIBBS: And the way it changes hands within thirty-six hours... MANN: A lot more than a hundred thousand will be at risk. GIBBS: Dinozzo. TONY: I'll check casinos and racetracks. Best places to get rid of large amounts of cash quick. MANN: Agent McGee, airports. Train stations. Wherever Sharif can hit large groups of people. MCGEE: On it, Boss. Colonel. GIBBS: Ziva, coordinate roadblocks with local LEOs. MANN: We're going to have to issue a warning. It's going to wreak havoc on the economy. GIBBS: The economy is not what I'm worried about. MANN: He could be anywhere. We're not going to find him now. GIBBS: You're reneging on our deal? MANN: Huh. GIBBS: McGee! MCGEE: Yeah, Boss? GIBBS: What is this? MCGEE: (BEAT) Well, it looks like the cash. GIBBS: I can see that, McGee! No, that! Right there. What is that? That! MCGEE: Let me see this. Looks like a GBP. It's a GameBox Portable. TONY: Pest guy said Sharif was addicted to it. GIBBS: Is that a video game? MCGEE: Actually, it's a wireless handheld game console. GIBBS: Wireless? Does that mean it's traceable? MCGEE: If he's playing it, and we knew his online gaming ID. Yeah. MANN: We do. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY GIBBS: Abs? ABBY: Tony already called him on it. Looks like while Sharif was waiting for Major Maguire to pop his cork, he spent four hours at the bowling alley playing an online video game called Killer Kudsuckers. MCGEE: You got his handle? ABBY: Almost there. Oh, look. It's "Agent Gibbs." MCGEE: Accessing the multi-player registry. He's online. He's actually been online over an hour. ABBY: He's not in any rush. MANN: No, he's waiting for something. A plane or... MCGEE: A train! He's at the Amtrac station. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. STREET - DAY (SFX: CARS SCREECH TO A SOTP) MCGEE: He's still online. MANN: National Guard is sending in a response team with antidote. TONY: If someone wants to suggesting waiting for him outside I won't complain. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TRAIN STATION - DAY GIBBS: (V.O.) Ziva, lock the station down. (ON CAMERA) Nothing leaves. TONY: Which way, McGee? MCGEE: I don't know. He went offline. GIBBS: Dinozzo. TONY: Yeah, Boss? MANN: Have security block all exits. TONY: I'm on it! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. DELI COUNTER (MUSIC OVER ACTION/MAMOUN SHARIF COUNTS BILLS) MAMOUN SHARIF: Keep the change. CLERK: Thank you, Sir. ANNOUNCER: (OVER PA) Train number eighty-four.... is now boarding on track eighteen. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GRAND HALL - DAY (F/X: SLOW MOTION/GIBBS WALKS PAST MAMOUN SHARIF) (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENE) (SFX: GUNSHOT) MCGEE: (ECHO SFX) Boss, are you all right? GIBBS: (SHOUTS) NCIS! Get down on the ground, Sharif! (SFX: VOICES SHOUT B.G.) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/MAMOUN SHARIF RUNS/ THROWS MONEY INTO THE AIR) GIBBS: Get the money! MCGEE: What about Sharif!? GIBBS: I got him! I got him! MCGEE: Don't touch the money! MANN: (OVERLAP) The money's contaminated! Put it down! MCGEE: The money's been poisoned! Put it down. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HALLWAY - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/MAMOUN SHARIF RUNS INTO THE MEN'S ROOM/ GIBBS FOLLOWS/ STUMBLING) GIBBS: It's over, Sharif. (SFX: GIBBS STUMBLES AROUND THE BATHROOM) MAMOUN SHARIF: Is something wrong, Agent Gibbs? (SFX: GIBBS STUMBLES/FALLS) GIBBS: What did you do? MAMOUN SHARIF: Those lovely hand tools. Undetectable until it reaches your bloodstream. A little early, but I am not complaining. (SFX: GIBBS STRUGGLES WITH MAMOUN SHARIF) MAMOUN SHARIF: Their names were Cassandra, Dmitri, and Bashira. They were my family. Until one of your country's smart bombs was not too smart. Do you know what it's like to lose your family? They say everyone you kill, you just make ten more like me! But I think today, just one will be enough. (SFX: GUNFIRE) TONY: Hang on, Boss. National Guard's here. They've got the antidote. MCGEE: You're going to be all right, Boss. MUSICAL DISSOLVE TO: INT. MANN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT REPORTER: (ON TV) ... which happened today. Station officials have said certain areas will remain closed for further... (SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) MANN: (INTO PHONE) Hello? I thought you were still recuperating. Oh, I... yeah, I'll buzz you in. GIBBS: You know, you don't need to. Your door was unlocked. MANN: Yeah, but uh... my doorbell works. GIBBS: Well, then I guess we're even. MANN: So uh... you feeling better? GIBBS: Yeah, I'm ... sure feeling better than Dinozzo. He was about ready to kill himself when he had to burn that hundred grand. (SFX: MANN CHUCKLES) GIBBS: I came by to say thank you. MANN: You're welcome. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS AND MANN KISS) MANN: Is that all you came for? GIBBS: Well, it's a start. MANN: (BREATHLESSLY) Okay, before we do this, I just need to know one thing. How'd you get that damn boat out of your basement? (MUSIC UP AND OUT)
Plan: A: the NCIS team; Q: Who learns that the missing 10 kilograms of highly toxic chemical weapons are now in the hands of Mamoun Sharif? A: Mamoun Sharif; Q: Who is the terrorist from Sandblast? A: Sharif; Q: Who claims to have infected Gibbs with the chemical? A: Enzo Cilenti; Q: Who plays Mamoun Sharif? A: a way; Q: What will the NCIS team have to find to find Mamoun Sharif? A: the aid; Q: What does Hollis Mann provide to the NCIS team? A: Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann; Q: Who helps NCIS find Mamoun Sharif? A: constant phone calls; Q: How does Sharif communicate with NCIS? Summary: When the NCIS team learns that the missing 10 kilograms of highly toxic chemical weapons are now in the hands of Mamoun Sharif ( Enzo Cilenti ), the wanted terrorist from "Sandblast", they will have to find a way to find the man and stop him before it is too late with the aid from Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann and constant phone calls from Sharif himself, who claims to have infected Gibbs with the chemical.
Written by Dennis Spooner (Based on an idea by Terry Nation) 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. MIRA. JUNGLE (The DALEK glides forward and covers the travellers who are now outside the cave.) DALEK: You are surrounded. You will come with us. DOCTOR: I'm afraid, my friends, the Daleks have won. (Two DALEKS look up at the travellers.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. MIRA. ANOTHER PART OF THE JUNGLE (Nearby, the bushes are moved aside as the planets' invisible inhabitants move through the undergrowth.) DENNIS SPOONER From an idea by [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. MIRA. JUNGLE (The DOCTOR leads STEVEN and SARA KINGDOM out to stand before the squad of DALEKS. The patrol DALEK advances.) FIRST DALEK: You will hand over the Taranium Core. DOCTOR: If I do, what guarantee is there that you won't fire your guns afterwards, mm? FIRST DALEK: There is no guarantee. (Another DALEK, with a metal device replacing the usual sucker-hand, reports.) SECOND DALEK: Seismic detector shows that the object he is carrying is the Taranium! FIRST DALEK: You will surrender it! SARA KINGDOM: He will not! (She is menaced by the DALEKS' guns.) FIRST DALEK: Silence! You will not speak! DOCTOR: You dare not fire, because of this Taranium! To end this stalemate, may I suggest... FIRST DALEK: (Interrupts.) There will be no more discussion! The Core is to be handed over. (The patrol leader looks at the rest of the DALEKS.) FIRST DALEK: Re-form line! Prepare to exterminate them! (As the DALEKS start to line up, a roaring cacophony erupts behind the group.) FIRST DALEK: What is that noise? SECOND DALEK: The invisible creatures are attacking in force! (As this report is given, the DOCTOR gives a yell of command to his two companions. The DALEKS start to spin about trying to locate the Visians.) FIRST DALEK: Patrol alert! Patrol Alert! SECOND DALEK: Annihilate them! Annihilate them! (All the DALEKS fire their blasters, and the Visians briefly become visible as some of them die in the DALEKS' rays. Meanwhile, the DOCTOR, SARA and STEVEN sidle along the rocky outcrop, climb the tumbled rocks and elude both sets of alien creatures.) DOCTOR: There's a good boy! Keep going! (The DOCTOR, STEVEN and SARA humans disappear from view. The battle is short, the Visians being no match for the DALEKS who form a tight circle as they fire. All suddenly falls silent.) THIRD DALEK: The invisible creatures have been exterminated. FIRST DALEK: Search for the fugitives! They must not escape. DALEKS: We obey! (They move off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. CONTROL ROOM (The DALEK SUPREME enters as one of the control-room DALEKS turns from its communications panel.) DALEK: Communication received from the planet Mira. DALEK SUPREME: Are the fugitives still evading capture? DALEK: Yes, there has been no further contact. Reinforcements can be dispatched. DALEK SUPREME: Our force already there is sufficient for the task. Contact them and order that the Taranium is to be recovered. Failure will not be tolerated! [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. MIRA. JUNGLE. OUTSIDE DALEK PURSUIT SHIP (The DALEK ship rests in a jungle clearing. Several large exhaust ports lie on the side of the ship and there is a ramp which leads to the ground enclosed by several struts. A DALEK stands on guard. Looking through the leaves at the ship, the DOCTOR and STEVEN complete the final stages of a plan.) DOCTOR: There's only one guard. (To STEVEN.) Now you know what to do? STEVEN: (Whispers.) Yes. (The DOCTOR moves away from the group, allowing SARA to move next to STEVEN.) SARA KINGDOM: (Whispers.) It'll never work! STEVEN: (Whispers.) It will! It's got to! SARA KINGDOM: (Whispers.) The other Daleks will be back here before he can get started. STEVEN: (Whispers.) Why should they? They're out looking for us. They won't expect us to come back here. SARA KINGDOM: (Whispers.) Look, they're not complete fools! They know we've got to get off Mira - that their ship is our only chance. STEVEN: (Whispers.) Don't worry. Like most of the Doctor's plans, this one's simple, it won't take long. (SARA looks towards the ship and sees that there is no sign of the DOCTOR.) SARA KINGDOM: (Whispers.) Well, why doesn't he get started then? STEVEN: (Whispers.) Give him time. He's got to get round there. Look, you must learn to trust him. He's had dealings with the Daleks before. SARA KINGDOM: (Whispers.) I have no choice. Let's hope you're right. STEVEN: (Whispers.) He should be in position by now. Come on. (Both STEVEN and SARA start to move forward in their stage of their plan. The DALEK guard has moved near the pursuit ship, protecting the ramp. The sentry sweeps the immediate area with its eyepiece, which stops to focus on the DOCTOR, walking towards the ship.) FOURTH DALEK: Remain where you are. DOCTOR: (Obligingly.) I certainly will. I've come to give myself up. (The DALEK slowly advances to face the DOCTOR, some way from the ramp.) FOURTH DALEK: Do you have the Taranium? DOCTOR: I have. I realise, of course, that I am no match for the Daleks, so if I hand it over, will you help me and my friends to get away from this planet? FOURTH DALEK: Where are the others? DOCTOR: Oh, they will come when I call them, mm? (Behind the DALEK, STEVEN and SARA steal forward. To distract the DALEK from moving round to see them, the DOCTOR takes out the Taranium Core and displays it to the DALEK.) DOCTOR: The Taranium. Shall I give it to you or would you prefer me to hand it to you in your ship, hmm? FOURTH DALEK: You will wait there until the Patrol returns. The others are to join you. If you try to escape, you... (STEVEN gets nearer.) DOCTOR: Escape! Oh, my tin friend, never! You mustn't forget that I came here and surrendered of my own free will. (This allows STEVEN to get close enough, undetected, to slam a handful of mud onto the DALEK'S eyestalk. The DOCTOR, STEVEN and SARA all dive up the ramp into the DALEK ship. Blinded, the DALEK swings from side to side and starts firing randomly.) FOURTH DALEK: Ahh! DOCTOR: ... ! FOURTH DALEK: Ahh! Help! Help! Loss of vision! Loss of vision! I'm under attack! I'm under attack! Patrol alert! Patrol alert! (It is in danger of exterminating its leader, when the full DALEK patrol arrives at the pursuit ship's site.) FIRST DALEK: Cease firing before we sustain damage! Report! FOURTH DALEK: The fugitives boarded the Pursuit ship! [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. DALEK PURSUIT SHIP. CONTROL ROOM (SARA KINGDOM is anxiously looking round the vessel. One console stands against the wall on the left-hand side of the room and there is another in the middle of the floor towards the right of the room. Outside, the DALEKS shout orders to each other as STEVEN looks out of the doorway and down the ramp. The DOCTOR goes to one console.) FIRST DALEK: (OOV: Outside the ship.) Alert all patrols! SARA KINGDOM: Can you work it, Doctor? FIRST DALEK: (OOV: Outside the ship.) Alert all patrols! DOCTOR: Oh, one moment, my dear. I'm...quite accustomed to this...Dalek technique. FIRST DALEK: (OOV: Outside the ship.) Surround pursuit ship! (The DOCTOR points SARA to a control.) DOCTOR: Close the hatches, please. FIRST DALEK: (OOV: Outside the ship.) Surround pursuit ship! (SARA operates the door control but nothing happens.) SARA KINGDOM: The doors are not closing. DALEKS: (OOV: Outside the ship.) We obey. (She studies the strange instruments.) SARA KINGDOM: Vacuum-lock reading...two point two four. FIRST DALEK: (OOV: Outside the ship.) When firing, take maximum precautions against damaging ... DOCTOR: Oh, the power build-up is far too slow. Feed in that extra energy. (SARA does so and looks again at the figures.) SARA KINGDOM: Three point eight two, rising. FIRST DALEK: (OOV: Outside the ship.) Avoid firing in area of ... DOCTOR: Yes, it should activate at five, zero, zero. (STEVEN, who is guarding the ramp, shouts back at his companions.) STEVEN: They're lining up to attack! DALEKS: (OOV: Outside the ship.) We obey! SARA KINGDOM: Four point three two, still rising. FIRST DALEK: (OOV: Outside the ship.) Take up attack formation 'Z'! DOCTOR: Splendid! [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. MIRA. JUNGLE. OUTSIDE DALEK PURSUIT SHIP SECOND DALEK: Prepare to board the ship! FIRST DALEK: Exterminate them! Exterminate them! (They glide up the ramp...) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. DALEK PURSUIT SHIP. CONTROL ROOM (...but the doors close - right in front of the leading DALEK. STEVEN breathes a sigh of relief as the DOCTOR and SARA continue to operate controls.) STEVEN: That was close! It was too close! DOCTOR: Yes... (To SARA.) Auto-gyro...gyro-dynamo. SARA KINGDOM: Coding nine, two. Red, blue, blue. (The sound of a power build-up fills the room.) DOCTOR: Discharge. (SARA flicks some switches.) SARA KINGDOM: Coding one, zero, zero. All blue readings, take off... DOCTOR: Splendid! SARA KINGDOM: ...now! DOCTOR: Hold tight! (The power build-up reaches a crescendo as they all grip onto consoles for the ship's lift-off...) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. CONTROL ROOM (MAVIC CHEN has returned to Kembel. He walks into the control room but his reception by the DALEK SUPREME is not warm.) DALEK SUPREME: Mavic Chen, you have failed in your task. MAVIC CHEN: Failed! Is this my greeting? I agree that my mission was to return to Earth and recover the Taranium. This I have not done. DALEK SUPREME: Failure will not be tolerated! MAVIC CHEN: But I did notify you of the fugitives' whereabouts. The planet Mira. There the vital Core can be taken from them, without suspicion. Their presence on Earth was a constant danger! At anytime they could have contacted forces unsympathetic to our plans. DALEK SUPREME: You make your incompetence sound like an achievement. (CHEN stalks round the room.) MAVIC CHEN: (Furiously.) Incompetence now, is it? You forget that the original blunder was not of my doing. I journeyed to and from Earth to correct a failing your security force should have dealt with. The Core was stolen from here. My actions have brought about a situation which will allow you to recover the missing Taranium easily and simply. If that is a failure, then I have failed. (MAVIC CHEN out-stares the DALEK SUPREME as he explains his logic. The DALEK SUPREME swings towards a group of DALEKS as news of the DOCTOR'S escape starts to come through.) DALEK SUPREME: Report. DALEK: The fugitives have stolen our Pursuit ship and have left the planet Mira. (The DALEK SUPREME'S voice rises a couple of tones.) DALEK SUPREME: Stolen! Left the planet Mira! Is their course being computed? DALEK: It is. DALEK SUPREME: What news of our forces? DALEK: They are stranded on the planet and under constant attack from the invisible creatures that inhabit it. DALEK SUPREME: Dispatch a rescue ship to their aid. They will be dealt with on their return. Meanwhile, I will personally supervise recovery of the Core. DALEK: I obey. (This humiliation of the DALEKS spurs MAVIC CHEN onto the offensive...) MAVIC CHEN: And you had the audacity to accuse me, Mavic Chen, of incompetence! DALEK SUPREME: It is... MAVIC CHEN: (Interrupts.) A Dalek ship stolen... DALEK SUPREME: It is not... MAVIC CHEN: (Interrupts.) Really! DALEK SUPREME: (Angrily.) It is not an emergency! MAVIC CHEN: No. More like a catastrophe! DALEK SUPREME: (Even angrier.) They may believe that they have successfully escaped from us, but we, the Daleks, are still in command! [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. DALEK PURSUIT SHIP. CONTROL ROOM (With the buzzing noise of the ship in automatic flight, STEVEN moves from the main control room...) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. DALEK PURSUIT SHIP. LABORATORY AREA (...to a cramped laboratory area where the DOCTOR is wearing an eye-shade as he looks over the Taranium Core. SARA is with him as he makes notes on a pad.) STEVEN: Will it work, Doctor? DOCTOR: No, of course it won't, dear boy. That's the whole point. STEVEN: I mean your plan. DOCTOR: No, we shall have to make a copy. A copy so exact that we can deceive the Daleks. They'll still want this Taranium back, you know. They won't rest until they get it. STEVEN: Yes, but suppose... SARA KINGDOM: (Interrupts, coldly.) There isn't time to suppose. I'm sure the Doctor can copy it well enough. DOCTOR: Yes, thank you, thank you, my dear, thank you. I'll have a good try, and I think that'll give us sufficient breathing space. (The buzzing sound of the ship suddenly changes and starts to fluctuate.) DOCTOR: What's that? (They all rush to the control room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. DALEK PURSUIT SHIP. CONTROL ROOM (SARA rushes to the console and reads the instruments.) SARA KINGDOM: We're changing course! We're moving away on a selected route! (The DOCTOR examines the controls.) DOCTOR: (Shocked.) Good gracious, we're on the course for the planet Kembel. You know, I'm very much afraid that we're...under the Dalek influence. (STEVEN notes a unit on the console.) STEVEN: Yes, it's obviously this that's causing the damage. (He rips the unit out.) STEVEN: Ah, that settles that. SARA KINGDOM: Well, isn't that a rather a drastic way of dealing with things? STEVEN: Look, Sara, the technology of my age may be hundreds of years behind yours and the Doctor's, but there are still some things I can handle. DOCTOR: Yes, of course there is, dear boy. Of course there is! (Laughs, then to SARA.) Come along, young lady, let's get on with our mineral whilst we still have the time, hmm. (He leads her back to the laboratory area.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. CONTROL ROOM (The Communications DALEK turns from its readings.) DALEK: Pursuit ship has broken free of our control. DALEK SUPREME: Activate Magnetise Beam. (A bleeping noise starts up in the room as the DALEK operates a control.) DALEK: Magnetise Beam activated. (Overhearing this, CHEN steps forward.) MAVIC CHEN: I sincerely hope there's not been any further bungling? DALEK SUPREME: We have temporarily lost control, but once the Magnetise Beam reaches them it will pull them to Kembel, where they will be exterminated! MAVIC CHEN: After we have the Core of the Time Destructor...in our possession, I trust. DALEK SUPREME: Of course! Of course! (The DALEK SUPREME moves off swiftly, leaving MAVIC CHEN smiling.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: SPACE (The stolen Pursuit ship moves swiftly through space.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. DALEK PURSUIT SHIP. LABORATORY (Watched by SARA, the DOCTOR places a copy of the Core next to the original. There is, however, a problem - the copy doesn't glow like the real Core.) DOCTOR: Yes, I think so. Yes, yes, there - that's a good copy, although I say it myself, hmm? SARA KINGDOM: Yes, but there's still the problem of charging it. The Daleks will know immediately that it isn't the real Taranium. DOCTOR: I appreciate that, young lady, but this is the right balance and the right weight, mm? (STEVEN enters from the control room.) STEVEN: We're still on our own course. The Daleks haven't attempted to divert us yet. DOCTOR: Oh good, good, good. Well, you keep watching, there's a good fellow. (STEVEN spots the two Cores.) STEVEN: Hey! (He picks up one of them.) DOCTOR: (Smiling.) No, I should try that one. (Slightly embarrassed at his mistake, STEVEN puts the glowing original down and picks up the copy.) STEVEN: This is excellent. DOCTOR: (Smiling.) Hmm, hmm. Isn't it? STEVEN: How do you propose to activate it? (The DOCTOR looks at SARA.) DOCTOR: Oh, we're working on that. Yes, er, we're working on that. STEVEN: Well, you know, we...we could use the Gravity-force from the ship's power centre. (He points to a control bank.) STEVEN: Well, I mean, there's an outlet, here. SARA KINGDOM: (Laughing scornfully.) What? STEVEN: (Belligerently.) What's wrong with that? DOCTOR: Too primitive, my boy. Too primitive and far too dangerous. (The DOCTOR walks off to the control room as a smiling SARA turns to STEVEN.) SARA KINGDOM: Gravity-force as a source of energy was abandoned centuries ago. STEVEN: We were still using it! SARA KINGDOM: Oh yes, and the Romans used treadmills. (SARA saunters off after the DOCTOR, leaving STEVEN glowering after them both.) STEVEN: (To himself.) I still think G-force would do the trick. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. DALEK PURSUIT SHIP. CONTROL ROOM (Meanwhile, over at the controls, SARA reads the dials again.) SARA KINGDOM: We're changing course again. (The DOCTOR hurries over to join her and examines the instruments.) DOCTOR: Back to the...planet Kembel, what? hmm! Oh, you know, it appears that we're, er...affected by magnetisation. We're been held in a...very strong beam, hmm hmm! SARA KINGDOM: That will take us right back to the Daleks. DOCTOR: Well, let's try and break it, child, come along! (They start work.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. DALEK PURSUIT SHIP. LABORATORY (In the laboratory area, STEVEN looks over the false Core which he has wired up to the power outlet.) STEVEN: (To himself.) Now we'll see about those treadmills! (He flicks a switch. A loud buzz sounds and a brilliant flash leaps from the outlet, engulfing STEVEN. With a scream of agony, he collapses unconscious on the floor. Hearing this, the DOCTOR and SARA rush over to him from the control room.) SARA KINGDOM: Steven! DOCTOR: My dear boy! What is it? What's happened? (The DOCTOR listens for STEVEN'S heartbeat.) DOCTOR: He's still breathing. (SARA points to the pulsating G-Force outlet and she realises what STEVEN has done.) SARA KINGDOM: (Angrily.) The fool! DOCTOR: What? Hmm? SARA KINGDOM: He's tried his...his experiment, with G-force and reliance power! (The DOCTOR looks over the young astronaut.) DOCTOR: Oh, he's still alive, and lucky at that, hmm? (SARA carefully begins to open the fake Core cylinder. A bright glow radiates from it.) SARA KINGDOM: But it worked! Look, Doctor. It's just like real Taranium! DOCTOR: Oh, isn't that wonderful? That's wonderful. Steven's theory has proved successful. (Laughs.) What about the poor boy? Hmm? (The DOCTOR and SARA look at the unconscious man.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. CONTROL ROOM (The DALEKS in the control room relay reports from their instrument panels.) FIRST DALEK: Dalek pursuit ship has entered the atmosphere. SECOND DALEK: Reducing speed. Ten degrees of light... eight... six... (CHEN watches these developments with the DALEK SUPREME.) MAVIC CHEN: It appears that you have at last succeeded in getting the Taranium back. DALEK SUPREME: Of course. And we shall deal with these fugitives as with all those who oppose us. MAVIC CHEN: No! DALEK SUPREME: Do you challenge us? MAVIC CHEN: Of course not. But might it not be advisable for me to return them to Earth...for trial? DALEK SUPREME: Why? MAVIC CHEN: They will be tried...and found guilty as traitors to the Solar System. After all, the woman is from Earth. DALEK SUPREME: The Daleks will deal with them. There is no need for the delay in their extermination. MAVIC CHEN: Some people on Earth know that our traitors were transposed to Mira. If they disappear for good, those people will be curious and ask what happened to them? It's possible that they might find out...that the Daleks...executed them. Then your plans could be hindered. DALEK SUPREME: It is essential that you do not allow your Earth people to become curious. MAVIC CHEN: Human curiosity is something I can have no control over. DALEK SUPREME: You must forestall their questions until it is too late. MAVIC CHEN: Too late? DALEK SUPREME: Yes! We will have conquered the Solar System before our presence here is discovered. MAVIC CHEN: It is possible. DALEK SUPREME: Once we have the Taranium, there is nothing to stop us! MAVIC CHEN: Very well. I leave their fate to you. DALEK SUPREME: The Dalek reception force should now be in position at the specified landing point. MAVIC CHEN: Yes, they should. And I think it's about time we left to join them. Don't you? (The two leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. DALEK PURSUIT SHIP. CONTROL ROOM (SARA KINGDOM watches the Pursuit ship's instruments as it prepares for landing.) SARA KINGDOM: Height and speed reducing. DOCTOR: Yes, we should be landing in about five minutes. SARA KINGDOM: I'll see how Steven is. DOCTOR: Hmm. (She goes to the laboratory area, followed by the DOCTOR.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. DALEK PURSUIT SHIP. LABORATORY (STEVEN is now propped up in a corner, his eyes wide open but unseeing, his whole being now shielded within the field generated by reliance power and G-Force.) SARA KINGDOM: I think the effect's wearing off. DOCTOR: No, my dear. He's adapting to it. (To STEVEN.) Can you talk, my boy, mm? (There is no answer from the young man.) DOCTOR: No. He's...he's still under the influence of that force field. (To STEVEN again.) Nothing further will happen to you. Now don't worry, mm? (He leads SARA away.) DOCTOR: Yes, nothing further's going to happen to him but I must confess I...I have no cure for that condition, hmm. SARA KINGDOM: He's enclosed in a force-field. DOCTOR: Yes, yes, I'm afraid so. Hmm. Sara, bring me that fake Taranium, hmm? (SARA does so.) DOCTOR: Hmm. Yes, yes, yes. (He walks over and shows the Core to STEVEN.) DOCTOR: Now, listen to me, Steven. Try and understand. This is very important, so you must trust me. You do understand? (STEVEN tries to move his head.) DOCTOR: Just try and indicate. (STEVEN manages to blink his eyes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. KEMBEL. JUNGLE. LANDING AREA (A group of DALEKS including the DALEK SUPREME and MAVIC CHEN is standing in a glade in the jungle.) DALEK SUPREME: Pursuit ship is landing at precise point calculated. MAVIC CHEN: Well, it appears that everything's going according to plan. (The noise of the Pursuit ship's drive starts to fill the air.) DALEK SUPREME: The Taranium will be recovered. MAVIC CHEN: I hope you're right. DALEK SUPREME: This time, there will no error. (The whine of the descent grows louder.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. DALEK PURSUIT SHIP. CONTROL ROOM (Inside the ship, the DOCTOR and SARA brace themselves as the ship hits the ground. STEVEN stands immobile, holding the fake Core in his hand. The ship falls silent. The DOCTOR and SARA are tense.) DOCTOR: Well, we're here. Hmm hmm. Now we've got to face the Daleks. Open the doors, please. (SARA throws the switches. The door to the outside opens.) DOCTOR: Steven will lead the way. (The DOCTOR goes over to the silent man.) DOCTOR: This way, Steven. (STEVEN slowly moves towards the door.) SARA KINGDOM: But it won't... it can't work! DOCTOR: (Softly.) It's our only chance, my dear. And remember, I will do all the talking, hmm? (SARA nods and they follow STEVEN out of the ship.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: EXT. KEMBEL. JUNGLE. LANDING AREA (STEVEN moves forward down the ramp. MAVIC CHEN sees what is in STEVEN'S outstretched hand.) MAVIC CHEN: The Taranium! I would suggest that you give that to me, young man. DOCTOR: No. (CHEN watches as the DOCTOR and SARA move out of the ship, standing behind STEVEN.) DOCTOR: And remember, you cannot fire because of the Taranium. You'd have another fifty years work, hmm? MAVIC CHEN: Possibly, but you are still in no position to bargain. DOCTOR: I will hand over the Taranium outside my ship, the TARDIS. (CHEN turns to the DALEK SUPREME.) MAVIC CHEN: You heard the condition. DALEK SUPREME: (Enraged.) It is not acceptable! (CHEN turns back to the DOCTOR, smiling.) MAVIC CHEN: You heard what the Dalek Supreme said. DOCTOR: (Adamantly.) Outside my ship, the TARDIS, or nowhere! (Almost enjoying himself, CHEN turns back to the DALEK SUPREME.) MAVIC CHEN: He seems determined. Does it really matter? DALEK SUPREME: Very well. In front of his ship. DOCTOR: Thank you! Steven? (As STEVEN leads the DOCTOR and SARA down the ramp and into the jungle, CHEN sees SARA.) MAVIC CHEN: Kingdom? SARA KINGDOM: Traitor! (CHEN is taken aback and then follows the three travellers into the jungle with the DALEKS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. KEMBEL. JUNGLE CLEARING (By the TARDIS, the DOCTOR gives SARA the key to the ship.) DOCTOR: Sara, open the door please. (SARA does so and steps just inside the police box and watches the DOCTOR as he faces CHEN and the DALEK SUPREME.) DOCTOR: The young man will give you the Taranium when the girl and I are safely inside my ship, the TARDIS. DALEK SUPREME: Very well. MAVIC CHEN: Making sure of your escape, eh, Doctor? DOCTOR: (To STEVEN.) Remember to do exactly as I say, Steven. I will give you further instructions from inside my TARDIS. (STEVEN nods to indicate his understanding. The DOCTOR steps inside the ship and his disembodied - and slightly DALEK-like - tones, come from inside the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: (OOV: Inside the TARDIS.) Steven, hand the box over to Chen. Then come inside the TARDIS. (Stiffly, STEVEN walks towards MAVIC CHEN, extending his hand with the cylinder. Eagerly, MAVIC CHEN seizes the fake Core then, quickly shielding his eyes, opens it and peers inside. The fierce glow that comes from the interior satisfies the Guardian.) MAVIC CHEN: (Triumphantly.) This is it! The Core of the Time Destructor! (The DALEK SUPREME swings towards his troops.) DALEK SUPREME: Exterminate him! (All the DALEKS fire at STEVEN. To MAVIC CHEN'S and the DALEK SUPREME'S amazement, STEVEN continues to walk stiffly into the TARDIS, which immediately starts to dematerialise from Kembel..) DALEK SUPREME: (In amazement.) The ray guns did not take effect! DALEK: All were operated at full power. DALEK SUPREME: No human being can withstand their fire. (CHEN is impatient and triumphant as he holds the core...) MAVIC CHEN: What happened is unimportant! We have the Taranium! The invasion can go ahead! (Shouts.) The universe will be ours! [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The central column is moving up and down. SARA checks on STEVEN as he sits in a chair.) SARA KINGDOM: Are you sure you're all right? (STEVEN shakes his dazed head.) STEVEN: Yes, more or less. DOCTOR: The Dalek guns must have destroyed that force field completely. It's a good thing they didn't fire a second time. STEVEN: (Laughs gently.) I don't really know what happened. SARA KINGDOM: You were enclosed in a field of gravity force and reliance power. DOCTOR: You had a shield round, you know, similar to the one that protects the TARDIS. Oh, that reminds me. Where is that genuine Taranium, hmm? SARA KINGDOM: Oh, over here. (SARA goes to fetch it.) STEVEN: Well, it's a pity I blanked out. I mean, if we knew the ratio readings, we could use the same force again, to protect us from the Daleks. DOCTOR: (Crossly.) Certainly not! What you did was very dangerous and extremely stupid. STEVEN: Oh, come off it. It worked. DOCTOR: (Furious.) One more 'experiment' like that, and you really will be dead. STEVEN: Oh, nonsense... DOCTOR: (Nearly shouting.) Now, now, now, you listen to me, young man. I warned you it was dangerous before you tried it. You might have killed yourself...and blown up the spaceship. Then where would we all be, mm? STEVEN: Well, I know where I'd be, I don't know about you. DOCTOR: Now, now, now, now, don't be cheeky! STEVEN: (Interrupts.) Look, if it haven't been for me, how would you have charged the Taranium, and carried out the handover? I think we should experiment further. DOCTOR: I don't care what you think, we're not going to repeat it. Why do you think science turned down your discovery, hmm? (Shouts.) Because it isn't safe! So perhaps in future you'll pay attention to what I say and remember that I happen to be the leader of this 'expedition' and I don't want to keep on repeating myself. STEVEN: (Pleading.) But Doctor... DOCTOR: Never mind the buts! If you don't like it, you can get off! Mmm? Hmm! STEVEN: All right, Doctor, I promise that I won't experiment with it any further. DOCTOR: (Calming down.) I hope not. (SARA, meanwhile, has been watching the unfamiliar time column which is slowly coming to rest.) SARA KINGDOM: Something's gone wrong. DOCTOR: What's the matter, hm? SARA KINGDOM: It's stopped going up and down. STEVEN: Oh, that means that we've landed. (The DOCTOR presses the scanner switch but the picture is blank.) DOCTOR: Oh! (Tuts.) That scanner's not working. SARA KINGDOM: Can you mend it? DOCTOR: Yes, I shall have to repair it, of course, yes, yes, but that means... STEVEN: Let's get... DOCTOR: ...checking up on the whole circuit. STEVEN: Let's get on with it. (He puts his hand on the door control lever.) DOCTOR: Dah, dah, dah, dah! Don't you dare touch that. STEVEN: Why not? DOCTOR: Well, just look at those dials, look! (He points at the dials on the console.) DOCTOR: Look here, Sara. (SARA joins them.) DOCTOR: Do you see those dials? Now, do you know what that means? If either of you went outside, it would be extremely dangerous. The whole atmosphere is entirely poisonous!
Plan: A: Missing episode; Q: What is the name of the episode that was supposed to be in the year 4000? A: the year 4000; Q: In what year did the Daleks conspire to conquer the Solar System? A: treachery; Q: What is at the highest levels of the Daleks' scheme? A: a weapon; Q: What is the Daleks using to destroy the fabric of time? A: catastrophe; Q: What can only the Doctor and his friends prevent? A: no guarantee; Q: Is there a guarantee that the Doctor and his friends will escape with their lives? Summary: Missing episode In the year 4000, the Daleks conspire to conquer the Solar System. Their scheme involves treachery at the highest levels and a weapon capable of destroying the very fabric of time. Only the Doctor and his friends can prevent catastrophe - and there is no guarantee they will escape with their lives...
Broadcast: 30 May, 1964 Duration: 24 minutes 11 seconds [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. TEMPLE TERRACE TLOTOXL: No, no, this is not Yetaxa. This is a false goddess! ... (Quietly.) and I shall destroy her ... [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. TEMPLE. ANTE ROOM (BARBARA is alone, deep in thought. The DOCTOR walks in, furious.) DOCTOR: Well, young woman, I hope you're satisfied? A happy day for you, eh? BARBARA: Doctor, please ... DOCTOR: You wouldn't be advised, would you? Oh dear me no, you knew better! BARBARA: I couldn't stand by and watch that man being sacrificed! DOCTOR: Do you think we felt any differently? BARBARA: Of course not. DOCTOR: Then why not leave well alone? Human sacrifice is their tradition - their religion! There's nothing we can do about it. BARBARA: I had to try! DOCTOR: Yes, and what happened? Tlotoxl lost faith in you, our lives are in danger and Susan is locked up in some kind of seminary! BARBARA: Well at least she is safe there. DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Safe? Safe? My dear child, she was perfectly safe here until you started meddling! BARBARA: Look, I wanted it to rain without that man being killed! I wanted them to see that his death was unnecessary ... DOCTOR: Don't you realise he wanted to be offered to the gods? It made him feel one ... BARBARA: I just didn't think about it ... DOCTOR: Oh, that's just it - you didn't think! (BARBARA starts to break down, and sits on a chair.) BARBARA: (Sobbing.) Oh, go away ... leave me alone ... (The DOCTOR pats her gently on her arm.) DOCTOR: I'm sorry, my dear. I didn't mean to be so harsh with you. BARBARA: No, you had every right ... (He also sits.) DOCTOR: However, what's done is done. And now it's up to you what happens next. BARBARA: Me? DOCTOR: Yes. You'll have to hold Tlotoxl off. BARBARA: How can I? He's lost faith in me. He thinks I'm a false goddess. DOCTOR: Oh, not to Autloc. BARBARA: You want me to play them off against each other? DOCTOR: Yes, Th ... the more Tlotoxl doubts you, you more you must convince Autloc that you are Yetaxa. BARBARA: And Tlotoxl won't dare defy Autloc. DOCTOR: Exactly! BARBARA: What about you and Ian? DOCTOR: Oh, Ian can look after himself. And I think I shall know more about the entrance to the tomb tonight. I've met somebody that knows how the temple was built. (He gets to his feet.) DOCTOR: An Aztec lady. BARBARA: (Smiles and hugs him.) You're an old rogue! DOCTOR: Yes, but really it's up to you, Barbara. We're quite safe here so long as you're here, so ... (He stops as TLOTOXL walks into the chamber.) BARBARA: (Haughtily.) You enter unannounced. TLOTOXL: I proclaim myself only to my gods. (He gives the DOCTOR the briefest of glances.) TLOTOXL: Let the old man go down to the garden. BARBARA: (To the DOCTOR.) Enjoy the company of your new found friend. DOCTOR: (Bowing.) As Yetaxa commands. (He leaves.) TLOTOXL: I would ask you: How shall a man know his gods? BARBARA: By the signs of their divinity. TLOTOXL: And what if thieves walk among the gods? BARBARA: (Smiling.) Then indeed, how shall a man know? TLOTOXL: By the secrets of the gods' minds! BARBARA: That is true. Their knowledge will reveal them. TLOTOXL: How many heavens are there? BARBARA: (Smiles again.) Does Tlotoxl covet the mantle of the High Priest of Knowledge? TLOTOXL: How many heavens? BARBARA: Thirteen. TLOTOXL: Name them! BARBARA: If the truth of my divinity lies in my mind, let Autloc seek it. TLOTOXL: So he shall. Just as Ixta now challenges the servant of Yetaxa. BARBARA: For what reason? TLOTOXL: (Smiling.) To discover who shall live to command our armies. (He walks away from a worried BARBARA.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. BARRACKS (IXTA picks up a spear and throws it at a target on the wall as IAN and AUTLOC watch. IXTA points at his perfect aim.) IXTA: Thus shall my enemies fall. IAN: Real enemies can hit back. IXTA: I have no fear of death. IAN: Perhaps not. The dead never win. AUTLOC: (To IAN.) How would you attack? IAN: I should use more cunning. Surprise my enemy. (IXTA smiles and turns his back to IAN.) IXTA: This also I can do ... (He flashes a blade inches away from IAN who laughs and holds up his thumb.) IAN: This is all I need. AUTLOC: To win a victory with your thumb needs magic. IAN: To know your enemies weakness isn't magic. It's common sense. IXTA: (Shaking his head and grinning.) What weakness have I that is vulnerable to your thumb? IAN: You'd be surprised. (On IXTA'S look.) Oh, I won't kill you this time. Not this time, Ixta ... (IXTA stands up to IAN.) IXTA: You mock the arts of war. I defy you to harm me. IAN: (Nodding at the table.) Pick up your club. (IXTA does so and IAN grasps his neck with a nerve hold. IXTA gasps and crashes to the table, unconscious. AUTLOC looks on, amazed.) IAN: (Wiping his hands.) Don't worry. He'll be alright. (TLOTOXL enters.) TLOTOXL: Autloc, there is a ta ... (He stops dead in his tracks when she sees IXTA. He looks at AUTLOC.) AUTLOC: No, he sleeps. Yetaxas' servant won the victory with his thumb! TLOTOXL: You saw the blow? AUTLOC: There was no blow. He fought with his thumb! IAN: (Smiling.) Tell him to have a good rest when he wakes up. AUTLOC: Where do you go? IAN: For a walk. (The two of them walk out. IXTA starts to come round. TLOTOXL helps him up.) TLOTOXL: Could you not fight against it? IXTA: I was powerless ... (Another Priest walks in. This is TONILA, AUTLOC'S deputy.) TONILA: The Perfect Victim desires to be admitted. TLOTOXL: (With some impatience.) All his requests must be granted! (TONILA turns to the door and bows as a young and well built man walks into the room. TLOTOXL has suddenly realised something important in what he has just said.) TLOTOXL: (To himself.) " ... must be granted"? (He turns to the PERFECT VICTIM.) You grace us here with your presence. Ixta! (He nods at IXTA as he approaches.) Here is one who would be commander of our armies. His name is Ixta. TONILA: All have heard of the prowess and bravery of Ixta. TLOTOXL: There are those who say that the stories and the truth are ... (He holds up his hands in the air.) ... far apart. IXTA: No man can win against me! TLOTOXL: No man? (He holds up one finger.) Not one? IXTA: I shall lead the armies! It is my right! TLOTOXL: Yesterday, it would seem so ... (IXTA stalks to the other side of the table. TONILA slides up to TLOTOXL.) TONILA: (To TLOTOXL.) You would make an enemy? TLOTOXL: I? I only know that I have seen one that could defeat him. PERFECT VICTIM: Defeat Ixta? IXTA: Once - and by a trick (He glares at TLOTOXL.) I tell you face to face, I can pull him down! TLOTOXL: Perhaps PERFECT VICTIM: You drive the man. How often have you and Autloc instructed me that small failings in a man may be his saving graces? TLOTOXL: But you, O Perfect Victim, are as your name implies. When you meet the gods, you will be able to tell them of the Aztecs (To IXTA.) A commander should be as pure, so that his name may be held in very awe and dread. PERFECT VICTIM: Then he who defeated Ixta should be our commander ... IXTA: No! TLOTOXL: It may be that the other won by a trick. A second contest would show, but ... (He smiles at the PERFECT VICTIM.) ... I cannot order it ... TONILA: Only the Perfect Victim may be obeyed at all times. PERFECT VICTIM: My faith in Ixta is supreme. I wish to see him meet the other man. TLOTOXL: So be it. I shall arrange it at the sunset. TONILA: Ixta could challenge the other. PERFECT VICTIM: Let it be so. (He walks out of the room as all bow to him. TONILA leaves as well. IXTA makes to follow but TLOTOXL grabs his arm.) TLOTOXL: This I promise you. All honour and glory shall be yours ... if you destroy him. (He looks at him meaningfully but also with menace.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. GARDEN OF PEACE (As their elderly companions wander through the garden, the DOCTOR and CAMECA sit on a stone bench. The other inhabitants hover close to the two of them, interested in their conversation. The DOCTOR examines a leaf that he has plucked from a plant.) DOCTOR: What leaf is this? CAMECA: It's from a herb. The sap is used by our medicine men to induce sleep, but the leaves are harmless. DOCTOR: Hmm, I think I know about it. CAMECA: You are a healer? DOCTOR: No, no. They call me the Doctor. I'm a scientist, an engineer. I'm a builder of things. CAMECA: (Smiling.) Now I understand your interest in the temple. DOCTOR: Yes, there are one or two features inside the temple that intrigue me. (The DOCTOR and CAMECA become aware that they are being listened to and walk a small distance away.) CAMECA: I have some knowledge of it. DOCTOR: Yes. For instance, the tomb is s..sealed. (Yet again they are being closely listened to by an old man. They walk further away.) DOCTOR: The tomb is sealed. Now surely the builder had some way of opening it ... CAMECA: My knowledge is too limited to answer you, but the builder's son may know. DOCTOR: Yes, of course, I don't wish to pry in family matters ... CAMECA: No one could think that of you. I shall arrange a meeting. DOCTOR: Oh my dear, how charming of you. CAMECA: When shall it be? DOCTOR: Oh, any time ... er ... today? Mmm? CAMECA: An interested mind brooks no delay. DOCTOR: Yes, and I'm sure that's true of you, too, hmm? CAMECA: It was true. Now, I am content to spend the time here, like the others. DOCTOR: Oh, but their minds are old, Cameca. And that's something I'm sure yours will never be. CAMECA: (Blushing.) Your heart is young too, Doctor. (She walks off to find the builders son. Behind her, the DOCTOR gives out a sigh and a smile of contentment.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. TEMPLE. MAIN CHAMBER (TLOTOXL walks into the main chamber. BARBARA is sat on her throne flanked by the guards and their CAPTAIN.) TLOTOXL: (To CAPTAIN.) Leave us. CAPTAIN: Warriors! (They all file out leaving BARBARA alone with TLOTOXL. He walks right up to her and glares into her face.) TLOTOXL: The High Priest of knowledge will question you. BARBARA: If he finds I am the spirit of Yetaxa returned? TLOTOXL: Then I shall beg forgiveness of the gods. BARBARA: The High Priest of sacrifice has spoken. (Sharply.) I shall remember his words. TLOTOXL: Then remember this also. Whilst your divinity is in dispute, only those who serve the temple may approach you. BARBARA: My servants also? TLOTOXL: No, you must remain alone. BARBARA: Why? TLOTOXL: A false goddess and her servants could conspire against us. This is a danger we are not prepared to face. BARBARA: (Quietly but looking worried.) Then tell my servants that they may not enter here. TLOTOXL: (Smiling.) They shall be told. (He walks out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. BARRACKS (IXTA cradles a club in his hands whilst he rubs the back of his neck, still troubled by IAN'S victory. CAMECA walks in.) CAMECA: Ixta? (She bows.) You wished to see me? IXTA: (Also bows.) I greet you warmly, Cameca, and would seek your advice. CAMECA: If I can give it, I shall. IXTA: What do you know of magic? CAMECA: Nothing ... though it's my belief I know one who does. IXTA: Name him. CAMECA: The old servant of Yetaxa. IXTA: (Turns away.) He is of no use to me. CAMECA: But you can be of service to him. He seeks an interview with you. IXTA: To what end? CAMECA: He is interested in your fathers' work. IXTA: (Thoughtful.) Does he know my name? CAMECA: No. IXTA: Tell him I will speak with him. CAMECA: Where? IXTA: In the garden. CAMECA: (She bows.) I shall tell him, Ixta. (She leaves.) IXTA: What better way to destroy your enemies ... then to let them destroy themselves! (IXTA smiles and smashes his club into a target.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. SEMINARY (SUSAN, dressed in AZTEC robes with her hair in the native style, kneels on a straw mattress, reading a book of Aztec manners from a book of hieroglyphs. AUTLOC is instructing her.) AUTLOC: You have studied the code of the good housewife? SUSAN: I have. AUTLOC: I will hear it. SUSAN: (Remembering the text.) "Tend well your nurseries and your flowerbeds" ... ah ... "keep clean your pot and stewpan ... do not spend recklessly ... do not destroy or cheapen yourself" ... em ... em" (She stops as she has problems remembering the next line. TONILA enters the room and stands unseen in the doorway.) AUTLOC: (Prompting SUSAN gently.) "You will never have a house ... " SUSAN: Oh, yes! "You'll never have a house or a home of your own if you live like that." TONILA: She has learned it diligently, Autloc. AUTLOC: Susan is a good pupil. She uses her intelligence. (He gestures to the newcomer.) Susan, this is Tonila, one of the priests of knowledge. (SUSAN walks over to TONILA to shake hands.) AUTLOC: No no, do not greet your elders in such a manner. SUSAN: No? AUTLOC: No. You stand still, not looking around. You keep your eyes fixed on the person you are being introduced to - unless you are meeting your future husband for the first time, then you keep your eyes downcast. SUSAN: Well, how will I know? AUTLOC: You ... know what? SUSAN: That he's to be my husband? AUTLOC: You'll be told. SUSAN: Told! I'm not going to be told who to marry! AUTLOC: (Puzzled.) What say have you in the matter? SUSAN: It's my life! I'll spend it with whom I choose, not someone picked out for me. (Both priests stare at her in amazement.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. GARDEN OF PEACE (The DOCTOR is plucking another leaf from the herb plant that he discussed earlier with CAMECA. Unseen by the old man, IXTA enters in full Aztec uniform, including his Leopard headdress.) IXTA: You are the old servant of Yetaxa? (The DOCTOR jumps and scratches himself on the plant.) DOCTOR: Oh! (He rubs his hand.) Yes, ah, yes, uh, yes indeed, I am. IXTA: My father built the temple. DOCTOR: Oh, indeed, yes. Well, I find the entrance to the High Priests tomb a particularly fine piece of work. IXTA: Few temples have an entrance like it. DOCTOR: Oh, yes, ah, of course, yes yes indeed. He kept that secret, did he? IXTA: He has drawn it. DOCTOR: Really? Well, I ... I wonder if it would be at all possible that I might see the drawing, hmm? IXTA: (Smiles and bows.) Can a humble warrior deny the request of Yetaxa's servant? (The DOCTOR laughs.) IXTA: I will bring it to you after sunset, if the gods are willing. DOCTOR: Oh, I don't see why not, hmm? (IXTA looks around him before speaking again and leads the DOCTOR into a quiet corner.) IXTA: Tonight, at sunset, I have to meet another warrior in combat. DOCTOR: Oh, I hope ... er ... not to the death, hmm? (IXTA stills looks around him.) IXTA: No, but defeat would be disgrace. No man could look upon me or speak to me for many days. DOCTOR: Yes, I see. IXTA: My opponent has been selected. I know his name and I fear defeat. DOCTOR: And what weapons do you use? IXTA: Only my hands, My strength lies in the use of a spear or a club. DOCTOR: Oh yes, indeed. Ah, dear dear dear ... ha, and I would have loved to seen those drawings ... IXTA: No more than I desire a victory. DOCTOR: Yes, uh ... may I suggest that we assist each other, hmm? IXTA: (Smiles and salutes.) I thank the older servant of Yetaxa. (He leaves. The DOCTOR walks over to the plant he was examining earlier, reaches down and plucks and leaf from it. He pierces the stem with a needle and watches as the sap starts to run out of it.) DOCTOR: Yes, I think a little horticulture might go a long way ... (He laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. BARRACKS (TLOTOXL watches IAN'S practice drill with a club. IAN looks out of breath.) TLOTOXL: (With sarcasm.) Does fatigue affect the servant of the gods? IAN: Does the High Priest scorn my attempts to be worthy of command? (IXTA walks in and goes up to TLOTOXL.) TLOTOXL: (In a whisper to IXTA.) Can you conquer him? IXTA: I know it. (He walks up to IAN.) IXTA: Ian? IAN: Yes, Ixta? IXTA: I challenge you to a contest of strength. IAN: A fight? IXTA: Without weapons. Your hands have defeated me. Let mine try to win a victory over you. (IAN pauses, puzzled.) TLOTOXL: Will you deny him? IAN: (Pauses.) No. IXTA: We will fight here, as the sun sets. IAN: Alright. (IAN walks off to practice again.) TLOTOXL: (Whisper.) You are confident of victory? IXTA: (Whisper.) If you wish it, he shall die. TLOTOXL: (Smiles and nods.) Let him die. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. TEMPLE TERRACE (BARBARA and AUTLOC are alone.) BARBARA: I tell you, Tlotoxl is determined to destroy me. AUTLOC: He cannot while I believe you to be Yetaxa. BARBARA: Yet you question me at his bidding. AUTLOC: We both serve the gods ... BARBARA: Do you? Were you not angry when I forbade the sacrifice to the rain god? AUTLOC: No. BARBARA: Do you question the value of such sacrifice? AUTLOC: I accepted it. But we send messengers to the gods. Why should the gods not send messenger to us? BARBARA: To say there shall be no more human sacrifice? AUTLOC: I shall not oppose the gods if it is their will that such sacrifices cease. (BARBARA walks towards the sacrificial stone, thoughtful.) BARBARA: The High Priest of knowledge speaks with great wisdom. AUTLOC: If your words are denied, shall we not be living in defiance of the gods? BARBARA: (She looks into the distance.) Famine, drought and disaster will come, and more and more sacrifices will be made. I see a time when ten thousand will die in one day. AUTLOC: (Shocked.) Where will it end, Yetaxa? BARBARA: In total destruction. Your civilisation will pass forever from the land. AUTLOC: Your prophesy our doom ... ? BARBARA: Yes. AUTLOC: Let me think upon these words, great spirit. BARBARA: As the High Priest desires. (She leaves a shaken AUTLOC and walks off back into the temple.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. TEMPLE. MAIN CHAMBER (BARBARA crosses to the throne and rests her troubled head against its back ... ) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. GARDEN OF PEACE (The DOCTOR passes IXTA the pierced leaf.) IXTA: The thorn of a cactus will give me victory? DOCTOR: Yes ... and make sure that you don't scratch yourself. IXTA: The aged servant of Yetaxa offers poison? DOCTOR: No, it won't kill ... it will slowly drain away the strength of your opponent. (He point to his own wrist.) And scratch here. IXTA: (Salutes.) I thank you. (IXTA starts to leave.) DOCTOR: Oh, and young man ... you, ah, won't forget the drawing, hmm? IXTA: I shall be here after sunset. (He leaves.) DOCTOR: Yes, so shall I ... (He smells a flower.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: EXT. TEMPLE TERRACE (AUTLOC and TLOTOXL are discussing BARBARA'S words.) TLOTOXL: She prophesied our doom? AUTLOC: Yes.. TLOTOXL: To avert her own! I tell you, she is a false goddess! AUTLOC: I do not know it. TLOTOXL: You will question her again? AUTLOC: Yes. (The Doctor is coming up the steps behind them...Tlotoxl notices him and reacts quickly.) TLOTOXL: (To AUTLOC.) Conceal yourself. (They hide behind a corner as the Doctor walks into the main chamber.) DOCTOR: Barbara? Barbara? [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. TEMPLE. ANTEROOM (The DOCTOR enters and find BARBARA pacing the room.) DOCTOR: Ah... BARBARA: Doctor, go away! DOCTOR: What? BARBARA: You're not allowed in here! DOCTOR: Oh, nonsense. I'm supposed to be one of your servants? BARBARA: Well, hasn't Tlotoxl told you that while I'm being questioned no one is allowed to see me? DOCTOR: All right, I'll go. But first ... I think I shall know more about the entrance to the tomb tonight. BARBARA: Good. DOCTOR: All I had to do was make certain some warrior won a fight. BARBARA: (Suspicious.) What warrior? DOCTOR: I don't know...but he had sort of a mask, or a face like a cat... BARBARA: But that's Ixta! And he's fighting Ian! DOCTOR: (Shocked.) Ixta...Ixta...I must warn Ian! (The DOCTOR rushes out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. TEMPLE. MAIN CHAMBER (Heeding BARBARA'S warning he crosses the main chamber slowly and quietly but TLOTOXL is hiding in the doorway to the terrace.) TLOTOXL: Hold him - he has transgressed the law! (Warriors seize him. He starts to struggle and shout.) DOCTOR: Sir, I will not have you ... CAPTAIN: Do you wish him confined or taken to the barracks? TLOTOXL: Take him to the barracks. DOCTOR: (Shouting as he's hauled off.) I demand to be release! Take your hands off me, Sir! How dare you! How dare you! (The DOCTOR is dragged away. An angry BARBARA walks up to a troubled AUTLOC.) BARBARA: He had no right to arrest my servant. AUTLOC: The old man transgressed the law. BARBARA: He did not know it. No one told him. AUTLOC: If that is so, to hold him prisoner would be unjust. I shall obtain his release. (He bows.) BARBARA: Thank you. (He starts to go.) Autloc? There is to be a contest between Ian and Ixta. AUTLOC: Yes? BARBARA: I forbid it. AUTLOC: Great Spirit, it cannot be avoided. Only one of them can command our army. BARBARA: Then let it be Ixta. AUTLOC: You deny your servant honour? BARBARA: The contest is ill-timed. Ixta has been trained for many months. AUTLOC: Yet, I have seen your servant defeat him, and it is not a mortal combat. BARBARA: Then see that it remains so. AUTLOC: (He bows.) The spirit of Yetaxa has spoken. (He leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. BARRACKS (The room starts to fill with warriors. IAN and IXTA face each other. The Aztecs bow to first IXTA and then IAN. Both return the salute. The PERFECT VICTIM takes two ceremonial sticks in his hands.) PERFECT VICTIM: Let the contest begin! (He clacks the sticks together. The two warriors bow to and salute each other, and then square off. IXTA makes the first move, but IAN reverses it and flips him over. They lock up again, and after several seconds IAN hip-tosses him. Again they crash together, with IXTA getting an arm around IAN'S neck. Again IAN throws him down. Leaning against a table, IXTA pulls out the tranquiliser cactus thorn. At that moment, TLOTOXL and the DOCTOR walk in - the DOCTOR rushes to IAN and grabs him by the wrist.) DOCTOR: Ian, don't let him scratch you! IAN: What? (The CAPTAIN grabs the DOCTOR backs and holds him by the arms as IXTA uses the diversion to sink the thorn into IAN'S wrist, drawing blood. IAN rubs his wrist and then lunges at IXTA, crashing against the spectators to the fight.) DOCTOR: (Shouting.) Tlotoxl! Stop this nonsense! Stop it! TLOTOXL: No! DOCTOR: Ixta is using the ... that magic I gave him! TLOTOXL: Then you should rejoice! Ixta will win! (AUTLOC walks in. IAN is fighting valiantly, but he is tiring. Even after one of his arms is twisted almost out of its socket by IAN, IXTA is getting the upper hand. He tackles IAN down to the ground, regains his feet, and starts choking him with his foot.) DOCTOR: Autloc, stop this! TLOTOXL: No! Let it continue - to the death! (IAN'S getting weaker...but manages to fling IXTA off him. He staggers to his feet, swaying. IXTA gets him into a bear hug, but IAN chops at his ribs and forces him off. He goes for IXTA'S arm again, but IXTA reverses the hold, flings him onto the table ... seizes up a club to bash IAN'S skull in ... ) TLOTOXL: Destroy him, Ixta! AUTLOC: Yetaxa forbids it! TLOTOXL: A false goddess forbids it! (To IXTA.) Destroy him! BARBARA: (Behind them all.) Stop! (She has entered the room unseen by all. The fight stops. She walks up to TLOTOXL, who looks at her with contempt.) TLOTOXL: Your place is in the temple. BARBARA: I am loyal to those who serve me. TLOTOXL: (Points at the fight.) If you are Yetaxa...save him! (BARBARA looks down uncertainly at the groggy IAN...)
Plan: A: the TARDIS; Q: What vehicle leads the Doctor and his companions to the Aztec people? A: 15th century; Q: When did the TARDIS arrive in Mexico? A: the crew; Q: Who is led to the Aztec people? A: the doomed Aztec people; Q: What people do the Doctor and Barbara meet in Mexico? A: brutal savagery; Q: What is the Aztec people a mixture of high culture and? A: Matters; Q: What is further complicated when Barbara is mistaken for a god? A: the Doctor; Q: Who becomes engaged to be married? Summary: The arrival of the TARDIS in 15th century Mexico leads the crew to the doomed Aztec people, a mixture of high culture and brutal savagery. Matters are further complicated when Barbara is mistaken for a god and the Doctor becomes engaged to be married.
[Gilbert's house/Salvatore's house] (Elena and Stefan are preparing themselves for founder's day. She puts her necklace. Jenna helps Elena putting her dress) Elena: Ouch, this dress hurts Jenna: Suck it in baby [Mystic Falls' high school] (Everybody is preparing founder's day. Carol Lockwood is supervising everything) Carol Lockwood: No, no, no, no, no! It's all wrong! The marching band should be in front at the historic society. Matt get up on the float. Boys, I asked you to put chairs on the founder's float (Stefan is standing alone, waiting. Damon arrives) Damon: Look at you, all retro Stefan: What are you doing here? Damon: Why wouldn't I be here? Bonnie deactivated the gilbert invention, Isobel is gone and it's founder's day! I'm here to pick candy and steal your girl Stefan: Don't start with me Damon Damon: Oh, you started this Stefan with that whole 'I'm insecure, leave Elena alone" speech. I'm enjoying that Stefan: As long as you heard it Damon: What? You've no sense of humor Stefan Stefan: Actually I've no sense of Damon humor Damon: Damon humor... Hey look, I get it, I get it. I'm the better, hotter, superior choice and you're scared, now that Katherine is out of the picture, that I'm turning all my attention to Elena. But don't worry, Elena is not Katherine Stefan: You're right, she's not (Damon looks at something, he looks surprised; Stefan turns his head, they both look at Elena. She looks exactly like Katherine. She looks at them and smiles) [Gilbert's house] (Jeremy is in his bedroom, putting his clothes on for founder's day. Anna arrives) Jeremy: Anna Anna: Look at you Jeremy: I know it's stupid uh? I'm part of the parade but how are you? I've been so worried and I feel awful Anna: Why? You didn't kill my mother, you uncle did Jeremy: Are you sure it was him? Anna: Who else would have done it? John: He doesn't understand Anna, it's who he is. He hates all vampires. He's just doing what's he thinks is right Anna: Are you defending him? Jeremy: No, no way. It's just... I do understand where he's coming from. He's convinced all the tomb vampires want revenge on this town and he's just... trying to protect it Anna: They do want revenge or at least they did but that's why we separated from them. My mom wasn't after revenge; she just wanted her life back. I have to get out of this town Jeremy Jeremy: You're leaving? Anna: I've been thinking, you can come with me, I could turn you. I mean, you said you wanted me to. There (She gives him a flask with her blood) Anna: It's my blood. If you die with it in your system you'll come back Jeremy: Anna... Anna: I know you, what it's like for you... being alone, always feeling empty inside, no one to understand. But when you're a vampire you don't have to feel that way, you can shut it off. I can show you how Jeremy: I wanted to, I did. (He turns himself to not have to look at Anna. She looks sad) Jeremy: But I don't think I can. Sorry (He looks at the flask. He looks at his bedroom, Anna is gone) [Mystic Falls' high school] (Elena and Stefan are talking) Elena: John?! Is that even possible? Stefan: There is no proof but he dated Isobel when she was a teenager and he was the one who brought her to your dad's office for the delivery Elena: My whole life I've never like this man. I... Stefan: Sorry, I'm sorry. I just... I wanted to tell you before Damon drop it on you on some typically inappropriate way Elena: No, I'm happy that you told me I just... I really hope that it's not true. What I am supposed to do? Do I just... confront him and say "are you my biological father?" Stefan: Yes when you're ready Elena: I'm never gonna be ready. Stefan, I have enough problems with the family that I actually care about. Jeremy hates me and why wouldn't he? My journal gave him every single reason to Stefan: He's just hurt, he's confused Elena: He's never going to forgive me for Vicky, for taking away his memory, for lying to him. Stefan: He's your brother, he'll forgive you. Just give him some time (Caroline is taking pictures with Matt) Bonnie: Say cheese! Caroline (to Matt): Oh wait! Hide your cast, it's not era appropriate Matt: Seriously? Caroline: Yes Matt: Okay, fine (Bonnie takes the picture, Tyler arrives) Caroline: I want one with Bonnie now Tyler: Here, I can take it (Matt looks at him) Matt: I'll be on the float (Tyler looks at Caroline and smile) Tyler: I said I was sorry Caroline: You made out with his mother and then you beat him to a plop. You're gonna have to do a little bit better than sorry (She looks at him and leaves) (Elena is running after Jeremy) Elena: Jeremy! I was wondering where you were. You look great and you did a really great job on the float Jeremy: Go away Elena Elena: Jeremy come on please! I don't want it to be like this between us Jeremy: Why don't you have Damon raise my memory again? Then I could go back to be your inner dark little brother Elena: Jer, please Jeremy: Just don't! You can't fix this that easily; something like this doesn't just get fixed (He looks at her and leaves) (The floats are parading. Carol Lockwood comments everything) Carol Lockwood: Let's get a big applause to the Mystic Fall's high school Marching Band! (The marching band and the cheerleaders parade, everyone applause and scream) Carol Lockwood: And for a little local history, Mr. Saltzman students have recreated Virginia's battle of Little Creek (The float arrives in the street. Jeremy and Tyler are in it, they say hi to everyone) Carol Lockwood: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome our stunning Miss Mystic Falls court and their handsome escort (Elena, Stefan, Caroline and Matt are on the float; they laugh and say hi to everyone) Carol Lockwood: This is Caroline Forbes, Miss Mystic Falls. Aren't they beautiful? (Bonnie is in the crowd. She smiles and says hi to Elena. Elena smiles and says hi to Bonnie. Damon arrives and smiles and says hi to Elena. She looks a little uncomfortable and she doesn't looks at him. She looks at Stefan and says hi to the rest of the crowd. Damon turns himself and sees Bonnie) Bonnie: What do you want? Damon: Just watching the parade (She begins to leave) Damon: Where are you going? Bonnie: Away from you Damon: I wanted to say something to you Bonnie: Just leave me alone Damon: Thank you. The device that Emily spelled could have killed me. I don't take what you did lightly so... thank you Bonnie: I did it for Elena Damon: I know that but I'm still very grateful and... I owe you (They look at each other for a while) Damon: Enjoy the parade (He leaves) Carol Lockwood: Let's cheer for the Mystic Fall's high school football team. Alright! Let's show them our support everybody! (The float and the cheerleaders arrives) [Grayson's Gilbert's office] (John is with Mayor Lockwood, he's preparing the device) John: This is the key. Once inserted, the device will be activated. It will work only once for an estimated time of 5 minutes Mayor Lockwood: Yes, how does it work? John: It's a high pitch frequency that humans can't hear. Any vampires in a five block radius will be incapacitated, exposing them. At that time the sheriff V5 DPTS will inject them with vervain and bring them here, when we will finish them all Mayor Lockwood: And you're certain they're attacking tonight? John: I had a source. One of the vampires from the tomb confirmed the attack [A building] (The vampires from the tomb are doing a meeting. Their chief is speaking) The chief: Everybody listen up! Plan stays the same. We wait until the firework start, until then we blend in. Stay apart of the celebration; they'll never see us coming [Grayson Gilbert's office] John: They want revenge for what our ancestors did in 1864. It makes us their target [A building] (The chief is showing the others vampires a plan of the Mystic Fall's square) The chief: This area here is the stage. This were the founding families are gonna be. Any questions? [Grayson Gilbert's office] Mayor Lockwood: We're taking an enormous risk. We're talking about our families John! [A building] (Anna arrives) The chief: Anna? What are you doing here? [Grayson Gilbert's office] John: This is the only way to drew all them out and kill them... all of them [Mystic Grill] (Damon is standing alone, Elena arrives, and he looks at her. Elena has changed her clothe) Damon: I like you better like this. Period look, it... didn't suit you Elena: Is that an insult? Damon: Actually Elena, it is a compliment of the highest order Elena: Look, o know Stefan is worried about our... friendship Damon: Did he mention that to you too? Elena: No, did he mention something to you? Damon: No, nothing worth repeating Elena: So, I think you should stop with the flirty little comments and that eye thing that you do Damon (smiling): What eye thing? Elena: Don't make me regret being your friend okay? (He seems hurt. Elena looks at Jeremy who's siting alone. She looks at him and goes toward Jeremy. Damon looks at them) Elena: I don't believe that we can't fix this. I lied, I was wrong but you're my brother Jer and I love you and I have to fix it. So just tell me, what can I do? Jeremy: You can to hell Elena (He gets up and leaves. Damon looks at him) [Mystic Falls' square] (Jeremy is walking, Damon walks behind him) Damon (mocking at Jeremy): "I have so many emotions, but I don't have any way to express them. Being a teenager is so hard!" Jeremy: You dick! Damon: You do not talk to me like that! I'm not your sister. And for now on (He catches his arm) don't talk to your sister that way Jeremy: So, you're going to kill me just 'cause I hurt Elena's feelings? Damon: Got her some snack Jeremy: She raised my memory Damon: No, I did! She was protecting you Jeremy: It wasn't her call to make (He tries to live but Damon holds his arm) Jeremy: let go of me before I call a scene Damon: You'll be unconscious before you even got a word out (Stefan arrives) Stefan: Let him go (Damon releases him. Stefan puts himself between them and looks at Jeremy) Stefan: Are you alright? Jeremy: Yeah Stefan (looking at Damon): What my brother is trying to say is don't blame Elena for this. Damon turned Vicky, I killed her. She was a threat to you and she was a threat to your sister. I'm sorry that it happened, I wish that it hadn't (Damon looks at Stefan) Jeremy: She won't have me forget (He leaves) Damon: Good cab, bad cab, I like it Stefan: What are you doing? Damon: He's been a punk Stefan: Elena's relationship with her brother is not even your business. Stay out of it! Damon: Oh, there's only one "too good here" role available. My bad I'm sorry (He laughs) Stefan: Get over yourself. We both know you're not doing this for the right reasons Damon: You see, there you go with that jealousy act again. What are the right reasons Stefan? In light me please! Stefan: Well, see Damon, it's only real when it comes from your desire to do the right thing for nothing in return and I know that it is an entirely foreign concept to you. I completely understand that you wouldn't get it (He looks at him and leaves) [Sheriff's office] (Sheriff Forbes is talking with John and Mayor Lockwood) Sheriff Forbes: You want to use our town as bait? It's too dangerous, too insane (She closes the door) Mayor Lockwood: You've got over the plans with you DPDS, they're all on board Sheriff Forbes: You've gone behind me? Mayor Lockwood: Yeah because we know this is exactly how you'd react Sheriff Forbes: Our children are here John: Liz, we need to do this. We have no choice; this is the reason for the secret council. Our founding fathers created the secret council for just this purpose (Long pause. They look at each other) Sheriff Forbes: I'm the Sheriff, it's my call and I say no John: Richard, let me speak to the Sheriff alone (He looks at them and leaves) Sheriff Forbes: John, you're not thinking clearly, I'm not gonna change my mind about this (She turns her back and goes toward her desk. John hits her behind the head; she's unconscious. He removes her guns and attaches her with her handcuffs. He looks at her and leaves) [Mystic Falls' square] (Its night, Damon is looking everywhere, walking when he falls into Anna) Damon: You're still around? Anna: There's something you need to know. The vampires from the tomb are planning an attack tonight Damon: How do you know this? Anna: I went to them. They think I'm with them but I'm not. They want the founding families dead Damon: When is it supposed to happen? Anna: When the firework start (Long pause) Damon: John Gilbert wants to use that invention on them Anna: Then we can't be here Damon: It doesn't work, it's deactivated Anna: Well, then a lot of people are gonna die Damon: Where are they right now? Anna: They're already here Damon (The tomb vampires doing a meeting in front of a building) The chief: Remember, we don't know which of them injects vervain. It's not about the feed, it's about the kill. You know what to do (They go in the crowd) (Damon is walking toward Alaric) Damon: Rick! Alaric: Yeah? Damon: You keep those naughty little vampires darts in the car? Alaric: Yeah, why do you ask? Damon: Because this square is crawling with tomb vampires. I think we might need a stake or two Alaric: Yeah, got it (Alaric leaves, Damon sees Stefan and Elena. He goes toward them and takes Elena's hand) Elena: What are you doing? Damon: Saving your life. Fifteen words or less... Tomb vamps are here, founding families are their target. (To Stefan) Get her out of here, now! (Damon starts to leave) Stefan: Wait, where are you going? Damon: It's more than fifteen words Stefan (He leaves) Elena: Wait, Jeremy is out here somewhere Stefan: Let's go find him, come on! [Mystic Grill] (Tyler is at the pool table. Matt and Caroline are sitting at a table, they look at him) Caroline: There this time, freshman year, when Bonnie and I were in a fight and we swore that you would never talk again Matt: Caroline, give it a rest (Mayor Lockwood arrives at the Mystic Grill. He goes toward Tyler) Mayor Lockwood: What are you doing here? I told you to go home Tyler: I decided not to Mayor Lockwood: If I tell you to do something you do it! (He catches Tyler's arm and begins to scream) Tyler: Let go of me! (Caroline arrives) Caroline: Mayor, is everything okay? (Matt arrives too; the mayor looks at them) Mayor Lockwood: Please Tyler; I need you to go home, now. Take your friends with you Matt: why? What's going on? Mayor Lockwood: I can't explain. All of you need to get home, now. Please Tyler: Yeah, okay (The mayor gives him his car's keys) Mayor Lockwood: Here, take my car, it's on back. Caroline, Matt go with him (They look at him and leave) (Jeremy is in front of the restrooms. Anna goes toward him) Jeremy: Anna what are you doing here? My uncle could see you Anna: I don't care about that. I needed to find you. Come here (They go in the restrooms) [Mystic Falls' square] (Mayor Lockwood is doing his speech) Mayor Lockwood: For one hundred and fifty years, Mystic Falls has been the kind of town that everybody want to call home, safe, prospers, welcoming. And we have the founders to thank for that. That's why I'd like to dedicate this evening's firework display to their legacy (Everyone applause, the tomb vampires on in the crowd, looking at the Mayor. He looks at one of the DPDS) [Grayson Gilbert's office] (John is waiting for the signal. One of the DPDS is with him) John: Get position (The DPD goes out. John goes toward the device and looks at it) [Mystic Falls' square] Mayor Lockwood: Enjoy the show! (The firework starts. Mayor Lockwood and his wife are leaving. Tomb vampires are following them. Bonnie falls into one of them) The chief: Excuse me, I'm sorry Bonnie: I'm sorry (He leaves, she looks at him. She understands what she is and follows him) [Grayson Gilbert's office] (John is preparing the device, Damon arrives) Damon: Do you have any idea of what you've done? John: Yeah, as a matter of fact I do (Damon goes toward him, John activates the device. Damon falls, he holds his head and screams) [Mystic falls' square] (Stefan falls) Elena: Stefan, what's going on? What's happening? Stefan: My head Elena: What? Stefan: My head [Grayson Gilbert's office] (Damon is on the floor, holding his head and screaming. John is preparing a syringe with vervain) [Mystic Grill] (Anna and Jeremy are in the restrooms. Anna holds her head and begins to scream) Jeremy: Anna what's wrong? Anna: Please make it stop! (We see a succession of images: Stefan is holding his head, Damon is holding his head. Anna is in Jeremy's arms screaming. The tomb vampires' chief falls, one of the DPDS injects him vervain. John injects vervain to Damon) [Mystic Falls] (Tyler is driving when he suddenly heard the device) Tyler: What the hell is that? Caroline: What's the matter? Tyler: That noise Matt: Wait, what noise? (Tyler holds his head and begins to scream) Caroline: Tyler! Tyler! (He loses the control of the car) Matt: Caroline, the wheel! (She tries to hold the wheel, Tyler screams. The car crashes against a wall) [Mystic Falls' square] (Stefan is on the floor, holding his head. Elena's with him. A DPDS runs toward him but Alaric arrives and talks to him) Alaric: Hey, I got this one. There's one over there. Take this, go! (The DPD leaves. Alaric goes toward them and helps Stefan to get up. They go toward the stairs) Elena: I don't know what happened, he just dropped Alaric: Yeah, he's not the only one. The cabs have gotten everyone who's gone down, they injected them vervain Elena: What? (Long pause, they look at Stefan) Elena: They're running up the vampires (Carol Lockwood is with her husband. He's on the floor) Carol Lockwood: Please help him, he just went down (The DPDS inject him vervain) [Mystic Grill] (Anna and Jeremy are still in the restrooms) Anna: ahhhhhhhh my head! (She screams. One of the DPDS enters) DPD (to the radio): I got one (They inject her vervain, the other holds Jeremy) Jeremy: Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing? Hey, leave her alone! (The DPD takes her, the other stays with Jeremy) Jeremy: Leave her alone! Anna! [Grayson Gilbert's office] (The device is stopped. John takes everything back and goes in the basement. Damon is on the floor, unconscious. DPDS are bringing more vampires) John: The device is done; the only thing that keeps them down is vervain. We don't have much time, let's finish this. (Damon begins to wake up; one of the DPDS is putting gasoline everywhere. John begins to leave but Anna catches his leg. She's on the floor. He looks at her) John: Anna (Damon turns his head and looks at them) John (to the DPD): You can head up; I'll take it from here (The DPD leaves, Anna tries to get up, Damon is still looking at them. John takes a stake from his back) Anna: Please...no! (He stakes her, Damon looks at him. John puts more gasoline. He goes up the stairs and puts gasoline on them. He goes out the basement and put the fire. Some of the vampires begin to burn. Damon looks at them) [SCENE_BREAK] [Mystic Falls' square] (Stefan is better, he's talking with Elena) Elena: Are you okay? Stefan: It's like needles were piercing my skull and it just stopped (Alaric arrives) Alaric: I saw at least 5 vampires go down. They're taking them to your old family's building Stefan: It's the Gilbert's device. It has to be Elena: But how did he get it to work? Bonnie in spelled it Alaric: Maybe she didn't Elena: She did, we saw her do it Stefan: No, no, no he's right. Think about it. We asked Bonnie to deactivate a device that could protect people against vampires Elena: So we could protect you Stefan: And Damon. Vampires. Where is Damon? Alaric: I don't know. I haven't seen him since this started Elena: Can you get my brother, take him home? Alaric: Of course Elena: Let's go [Sheriff's office] (Sheriff Forbes is still attached to the radiator. Carol Lockwood arrives) Carol Lockwood: Liz, are you okay? Sheriff Forbes: There's a key on my... Carol Lockwood: What's going on?! Sheriff Forbes: There's a key in my belt, I need you to take it (She takes the key) Carol Lockwood: I've been looking everywhere for you, something happened to Richard. They took him Sheriff Forbes: who took him? Carol Lockwood: Your DPDS. I don't understand, he's not a vampire (Sheriff Forbes opens her handcuffs and gets up) Sheriff Forbes: Let's go [Grayson Gilbert's office] (The basement is on fire. Damon looks around him and sees the mayor) Damon: Mayor. Is that you? Mayor Lockwood: What are you doing here? Damon: I'm a vampire. What's your excuse? No, really. The vervain doesn't affect you, you're not a vampire, what the hell are you? (The mayor goes back; he tries to get away from Damon. He falls into the tomb vampires' chief) The chief: Mayor Lockwood! (He kills him) [Mystic Falls] (Matt and Caroline are out of the car; an ambulance is here, Tyler is on the floor, unconscious) Matt: Hey, are you okay? Caroline: I'm fine, I'm fine Matt: No, they need to check you out Caroline: No, I'm fine I'm fine. They're helping Tyler (The doctors are examining Tyler. One of the doctors opens one of his eyes, he is black, red, yellow and orange) Doctor 1: What the hell?! Matt: What's wrong? Doctor 1: His eyes (They look at him when suddenly Tyler wakes up) Tyler: What happened? Matt: Dude, don't scare me like that (Matt turns his head, Caroline is on the floor, unconscious) Matt: Caroline! Guys over here! Caroline wake up! [Mystic Falls' square] (Elena and Damon are walking when suddenly Stefan hear the fire) Stefan: Wait, wait, wait, I can hear them. The building is on fire Elena: What? [Grayson Gilbert's office] (The building is still on fire. Damon tries to gets up but a beam falls on his head) [Mystic Falls' square] (Elena and Stefan go toward John, talking to him) Elena: Where is Damon? John: With the rest of them where he should be. It's over for Damon Elena: You're crazy John: Why? Because I'm doing what should have been done a hundred and fifty five years ago? This is the right thing Elena (Stefan is looking at the building. John looks at him) John: Go ahead, you won't make it out. It'll save me the trouble of killing you myself (Stefan looks at Elena) Stefan: You now the building well, is there another entrance in? Elena: The emergency door, she's on the side (He goes toward the building, Elena follows him but John catches her arm) John: You take one more step and I tell those DPDS that they missed a vampire Elena: I'm asking you not to John: That doesn't mean anything to me Elena: As my father it should (Long pause, they look at each other) John: You know Elena: I wasn't sure but now I am (She looks at him and goes toward the building) [Grayson Gilbert's office] (Stefan runs on the emergency door but Bonnie arrives) Bonnie: Hey, you can't go in there! (Stefan opens the door) Bonnie: Fire will take you out Stefan: He's my brother Bonnie (He goes into the building, he tries to open the basement's door but the doorknob is too hot. Bonnie is looking at the building when Elena arrives) Elena: Stefan! Bonnie: Elena, you can't go in there! Elena: Bonnie, what are you doing? Bonnie: I'm sorry I lied to you (She catches Elena's arm, closes her eyes and begins to recite a spell) Elena: Bonnie I've got to get in there! (Bonnie is still reciting the spell. In the building, Stefan can finally open the door but the fire is too big. Suddenly the flames diminish, thanks to Bonnie's spell. Stefan goes into the basement and finds Damon) Stefan: Damon! Come on, hurry (He catches him and they go out of the basement. Outside bonnie finishes her spell and looks at Elena) Elena: Bonnie... Bonnie what is it? Are they gonna be okay? (Stefan and Damon go out of the building, Elena runs toward them) Elena: Oh my god! [Mystic Grill] (Elena is standing alone, Stefan rejoins her) Elena: The fire is out. Story is that building's old wirings caused it Stefan: Did you see where Damon went? Elena: No, he just kind of disappeared (She embraces him) Elena: I'm so glad you're okay Stefan: I try so hard... to hate him. Now I guess it's just pointless Elena: You care about him, so do I but I love you Stefan and I know that you are worried about that Stefan: I just... you know, I know my brother Elena: But I love you Stefan Stefan: I know the trouble he can cause (She takes his face in her hands) Elena: I love you Stefan, you! (They look at each other and she kisses him) Elena: You have nothing to worry about okay? (She kisses him again) Elena: Jenna called, Jeremy's home, I'm just gonna run over the school to pick up my dress, my clothe and the rest of my stuff and then I'll check on him [Gilbert's house] (Jeremy is on his bed; he looks at the flask, gets up and puts it in his drawer. He turns his head: Damon is here) Jeremy: What are you doing here? Damon: Anna's dead Jeremy: I figured that once they took her away Damon: I know you cared about her Jeremy: Yeah I did Damon: I saw her killed. I was watching and all I could think about was... I wanted to help her but I couldn't Jeremy: Why are you telling me all this? Damon: I took away your suffering once before, I can do it again but it's your choice Jeremy: Look, I know you think you took it away but it's still there. Even if I can't remember why I still feel empty, alone and making me forget won't fix it. It won't fix what's really wrong Damon: What I did to Vicky was wrong. Sorry for my part Jeremy: Anna said that don't have to feel pain; that they could turn it off if they shut out their humanity Damon: It's very true. Jeremy: Is it easier that way? Damon: Is what easier? Jeremy: Life Damon: Life sucks either way Jeremy but at least if you're a vampire you don't have to feel bad about it if you don't want to Jeremy: Is that what you did? Damon: I did it for a... I did it for a very long time and life was a lot easier (He looks at Jeremy and leaves) [Mystic Falls' hospital] (Matt is sitting alone, Tyler rejoins him) Tyler: Hey man. I'm so sorry. Look, I don't even know what happened Matt: It's okay man (Tyler sits down with him, sheriff Forbes arrives. Matt gets up) Matt: What's happening, is she alright? Sheriff Forbes: There was some internal bleeding; they're taking her to surgery Matt: What else did they say? Is she gonna be okay? Sheriff Forbes: They're gonna do everything they can (He looks at her and sits down) Sheriff Forbes: Tyler, have you talk to your mom? Tyler: I left a message telling I was here Sheriff Forbes: You need to call her Tyler: What is it? Sheriff Forbes: it's your dad [Gilbert's house] (Jeremy is in the bathroom, looking in the mirror. He has the flask in his hand. He opens it and drinks the blood. He finds pills and looks at them) [Mystic grill] (Stefan goes out, Bonnie arrives) Stefan: oh hey Bonnie: Hey Stefan: You... you just missed Elena Bonnie: I was looking for you actually Stefan: Oh Bonnie: Elena is my best friend and because she loves you I couldn't let you and Damon die in that fire Stefan: I'm very grateful Bonnie, I hope you know that Bonnie: I do but I hope you know that things have to change. Damon has to change Stefan: We both want the same thing Bonnie: We both want to protect the people we care about. The difference is, for you Damon is one of them. You saw what I was able to do tonight, I know who I am now and if Damon spills so much as one drop of innocent blood, I'll take him down even if I have to take you with him Stefan: Let's hope it doesn't come to that Bonnie: Let's hope it doesn't [Gilbert's house] (Damon goes out of the house. Elena arrives, she's holding her dress) Elena: What are you doing here? Damon: Failed and feeble attempt of doing the right thing Elena: which was...? Damon: It's not important. Let me take this for you (He takes the dress) Elena: Thank you Damon: You know, I came in this town wanting to destroy it. Tonight I found myself wanting to protect it. How does that happen? I'm not a hero, Elena. I don't do good. It's not in me Elena: Maybe it is Damon: No. Nah, it's reserved for my brother, and you...and Bonnie... Even though she has every reason to hate me, still helped Stefan save me Elena: Why do you sound so surprised? Damon: Because she did it for you. Which means that somewhere along the way you decided that I was worth saving. And I wanted to thank you for that Elena: You're welcome (He kisses her on the cheek; they look at each other, he hesitates and then he kisses her. They kiss each other and then Jenna opens the door and interrupts them. They stop and Damon tries to hide himself) Elena: Hi Jenna: It's late, you should probably come inside (She looks at Damon, grabs her dress and goes into the house. Jenna closes the door) Jenna: What are you doing? Elena: I don't want to talk about it (Outside, Damon looks at the house, touches his lips and leaves) (Jeremy is in the bathroom, he's taken all the pills. He goes in his bedroom, lays on the bed and closes his eyes) (John is in the kitchen, he opens the fridge and when he closes it Elena is here) John: You scared me Elena: Sorry John: You know, I first met Isobel when I was a teenager. I fall in love with her instantly although I'm pretty sure she never loved me. She was special. A part why I hate the vampires so much is because of what she became, how it ruined her and I never would have sent her to Damon if I had known she wanted to turn. (She looks at him) John: It's my fault. I'm telling you this because I hoped maybe you'd understand Elena: Thank you John: Can I help? (She looks at his ring) Elena: Sure (She cuts his fingers with a knife and pushes him against the sick .John screams) John: Katherine?! Katherine: Hello, John. Goodbye, John (Her face changes; she stabs him) (Elena opens the door; she's on the phone with Stefan) Elena: I looked everywhere. Yeah, someone definitely took my stuff. I'm just gonna check on Jeremy before I'll go to the hospital. Can you meet me there? Okay, I love you Stefan (She enters the house to check on Jeremy) Elena: Jeremy?! Are you up? (She hears noise coming from the kitchen. She goes toward the kitchen)
Plan: A: Founder's Day; Q: What holiday is Elena preparing for? A: Jeremy; Q: Who drinks Anna's blood and overdoses on pain pills? A: Anna's company; Q: What does Jeremy seek after Elena's lie? A: Damon and Alaric team; Q: Who teamed up to stop John Gilbert from using the mysterious device to kill vampires? A: Damon; Q: Who kisses a person whom he believes to be Elena? A: motion; Q: What does John Gilbert set his plan in? A: a chaotic, destructive, and deadly end; Q: What happens to the Founder's Day celebration? A: a high-pitched hertz signal; Q: What does the device generate? A: the car; Q: What does Tyler lose control of when he succumbs to the device? A: the crash; Q: What event caused Caroline to be injured? A: Tyler's father; Q: Who dies along with Tyler and Caroline? A: Mayor Lockwood; Q: Who is Tyler's father? A: his brother; Q: Who does Stefan realize he loves despite everything Damon has done? A: Bonnie; Q: Who saves Stefan and Damon from John's rampage? A: Elena's sake; Q: Why did Bonnie save Stefan and Damon from John's rampage? A: another innocent person; Q: Bonnie tells Stefan that if Damon kills what, she will take him down? A: a better person; Q: What does Damon want to become? A: pain pills; Q: What did Jeremy overdose on after learning of Anna's death? A: his emotional pain; Q: What does Jeremy hope to ease by becoming a vampire? A: Jenna; Q: Who invited the Elena doppelgänger into Elena's house? A: Katherine; Q: Who is the doppelgänger of Elena that stabs John Gilbert? A: the kitchen; Q: Where does Elena go after John Gilbert? Summary: It is Founder's Day, and everyone is preparing for floats and fireworks. Jeremy, still angry at Elena for lying to him about everything, seeks Anna's company; Anna gives him a vial of her blood and offers him the choice of becoming a vampire. Though Damon and Alaric team up to try to stop John Gilbert from utilizing the mysterious device to kill vampires, John sets his plan in motion, leading to a chaotic, destructive, and deadly end to the Founder's Day celebration. Tyler, Caroline and Matt are in a car when Tyler suddenly succumbs to the device, which generates a high-pitched hertz signal, causing him to lose control of the car. Caroline is severely injured in the crash. Tyler's father, Mayor Lockwood, also succumbs to the signal. John kills Anna and burns many of the tomb vampires alive in the basement of an old building. Tyler's father dies along with them. Stefan realizes that, despite everything Damon has done, he does love his brother. Elena confronts John with the fact that he is her father, which was confirmed previously by Stefan. Bonnie saves Stefan and Damon from John's rampage for Elena's sake but tells Stefan that if Damon kills another innocent person, she will not hesitate to take him or Stefan down. Damon finally realizes that there is some good in him, and that he may actually want to become a better person. Jeremy learns of Anna's death; he drinks Anna's blood and overdoses on pain pills, hoping that his emotional pain will ease if he becomes a vampire. Damon kisses a person whom he believes to be Elena, who is then invited into Elena's house by Jenna. The Elena doppelgänger stabs John Gilbert, who recognizes her as Katherine, pretending to be Elena. The season ends with the real Elena entering the house and going toward the kitchen, where Katherine is waiting...
LUCAS: (v.o) Previously on One Tree Hill. [INT. DAVIS SCOTT APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Haley is sitting on the couch, playing her guitar.) PEYTON: (v.o) If you are gonna help me- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ELLIE'S HOUSE - CLOSET - DAY] (Peyton stands at Ellie's music and talks to her.) PEYTON: -with Haley's record... well you could... maybe move into the house with me? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - FRONT DOOR - EVENING] (Ellie is standing in the doorway.) ELLIE: It's a business arrangement. PEYTON: (humouring her) Of course. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - THE GYM - EVENING] (Mouth and Gigi sit at the announcer's table.) MOUTH: With me tonight in my new colour announcer - Gigi Silveri.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DECREPIT GYM - DAY] (Whitey stands in the middle of the wrecked gym and smirks at his players.) NATHAN: You really expect us to practice in this dump? WHITEY: Not only practise. (Cut to Lucas' confused face.) WHITEY: Till further notice- (Lucas looks down and sees a huge rat run across the other side of the gym.) WHITEY: -you're gonna play all your games in here. (smirks as the rat runs along) (Whitey laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - EVENING] (Lucas sits on his bed and empties out the last HCM pill he has left.) LUCAS: If you tell Whitey... I have a heart condition... I'm off the team. HALEY: Yeah, and if I don't tell Whitey- [SCENE_BREAK] [THE RIVERCOURT - ROCKS - EVENING] (Close-up of Lucas wrapping his hand around his medicine tub.) HALEY: (v.o) -about your heart condition- (Lucas pitches the tub into the river.) HALEY: (v.o) You're off the planet! BROOKE: (v.o) It was you, wasn't it? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS SCOTT APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Brooke holds up her dress which Rachel's just finished sewing and smiles.) BROOKE: (v.o) The dress I designed. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH - NOTICE BOARD - DAY] (Rachel is sitting on a wall next to the notice board, talking to Brooke.) BROOKE: The one you made. It got me into Rouge Vogue. RACHEL: Your clothes are good. (Brooke frowns at her, shocked.) RACHEL: But if you're afraid to go... BROOKE: Oh no, I'm gonna go... and I'm gonna win. (She smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - NATHAN'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Nathan hovers over Haley. She takes hold of his necklace with his wedding ring on it and pulls him down.) NATHAN: (v.o) Did you think about it? (Haley and Nathan kiss.) NATHAN: (v.o) Having a baby to stay together? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS SCOTT APARTMENT - KITCHEN - EVENING] (Nathan is sitting at the counter.) NATHAN: Let me see the pills(!) HALEY: (sighs and walks to her bag) I can not believe you still don't believe me(!) (She rummages around, pulls them out and advances on him.) HALEY: Here, (slams them into his chest) take em! I don't need em anymore! (stalks to the door) NATHAN: Haley(!) HALEY: (turns around) Your future as a basketball player is totally secure, your future as my husband, not so much! (She tearfully slams out of the apartment.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - DINING AREA - DAY] (Keith and Karen are at the floor, cleaning up the mess she made.) KEITH: (smiling) You know, I thought about you every day I was gone. (Karen smiles at him.) KEITH: And you're even... prettier than I remembered. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROE RESIDENCE - FRONT DOOR - EVENING] (Keith and Karen are standing at the front door, kissing.) COP1: Keith Scott? (Keith looks at the cop confusedly.) COP1: Put your hands behind your head. (Keith does as he's told, still confused.) KEITH: What the hell is this?! COP1: You're under arrest for the- (Karen sees Dan and glares.) COP1: -attempted murder of Dan Scott. (Dan is standing far away, grinning and nodding at the scene.) FADE TO BLACK: END OF PREVIOUSLY ON: OPENING CREDITS ROLL: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] (Shot of the door which has GUIDANCE COUNSELOR stamped across the glass. The door opens and she steps half out.) COUNSELOR: You're next. Haley? (Haley's is sitting in the waiting room, dozing. She jerks awake and looks at the counselor.) COUNSELOR: (smiles) You're next. HALEY: Oh(!) (She smiles, grabs her bag and follows the counselor inside. They take their respective seats.) COUNSELOR: So, have you given any thought to which college you'd like to attend? HALEY: Yeah, actually, um, I've been looking at Stanford(!) (smiles and holds up a Stanford leaflet) (The counselor laughs raucously. Haley's smile falls.) COUNSELOR: (stops abruptly) Oh, you're serious? (nods) Well, Stanford may not be too realistic for you, Faily. HALEY: ... Haley. COUNSELOR: What? HALEY: I think you just called my Faily. I'm-my name's Haley. (smiles tightly) COUNSELOR: My mistake. I must have thought that was your name because you failed every class. (She holds up a paper with a big red FAILED stamped across the front of it.) HALEY: (leans forward, stunned) I didn't fail anything! COUNSELOR: No? What about your marriage? HALEY: Well, (scoffs and sits back, snatching her Stanford leaflet back) that is none of your business. COUNSELOR: Then there was the HCM test. (Haley looks at her) You failed that too. HALEY: No, I didn't. COUNSELOR: Oh, that's right, you failed the friendship test by letting Lucas play basketball with a serious heart condition. Such a shame. (Haley gapes. There's a loud sound off-screen. Haley turns her head as the door swings open. Lucas is lying on a hospital bed with Dan standing over him acting as the doctor and Tim beside Dan, dressed as a nurse. Dan grabs the pedals Tim holds out. Haley's eyes widen as she watches.) (Dan puts the paddles on Lucas' chest.) DAN: (shouting behind him) CLEAR! (He shocks Lucas whose body wretches before falling back on the bed. His eyes are open and he turns to face Haley - his face devoid of emotion and life. The monitor flat-lines.) (Tim looks at Lucas over Dan's shoulder.) TIM: Oh, he's eighty-sixed, yo. DAN: (pulls his mask off) Just say he's dead, Tim(!) (Tim pouts as Dan reaches over and shuts Lucas' eyes. Cut back to Haley as she watches, distressed. Dan looks at Haley and smirks.) DAN: You're next(!) (Tim sneers.) (The door slams shut and the scene blacks out.) COUNSELOR: (v.o) Haley? (Haley's back in the waiting room; eyes closed as she dreams.) COUNSELOR: (o.s) Haley? (Haley jerks awake and the counsellor smiles at her.) COUNSELOR: You're next. HALEY: Oh. (She grabs her bag and follows the counselor.) COUNSELOR: (sitting in her seat) So, have you given any thought to which college you'd like to attend? (Haley smiles at her self-consciously.) HALEY: (nervously holding up the leaflet) S-s-Stanford? COUNSELOR: (stops and looks at her) ... That's a great school for you. (Haley closes her eyes and sighs, relieved.) COUNSELOR: Are you OK? (pause) Coz you seem a little sketchy. KEITH: (v.o) Me? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NEW BRUNSWICK COUNTY JAIL - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY] (Keith is sitting opposite the detective looking relaxed and uncaring.) KEITH: No, no, actually, I'm fine. I just... (smiles humourlessly) love sleeping in jail cells. (The shot cuts to the two-way mirror where the detective and Keith's reflection are seen. The camera pans back to them as the detective leans forward.) DETECTIVE: You understand that we have you on tape... buying a bottle of liquor the day of the fire? KEITH: I-I-I've seen it, it was stimulating(!) DETECTIVE: Yeah, (nods) we also know that you bought a gun. KEITH: (fake stunned) Oh my god! Was Dan shot?! (gasps) Or, wait,... no, no, no, no, no, it was a fire, yeah. (He's taking the piss out of the detective. He smiles. The detective leans back again.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. NEW BRUNSWICK COUNTY JAIL - ENTRANCE - DAY] (Lucas is leaning against the wall, waiting. He moves off, sighs, and walks to his mother, spreading his hands.) KAREN: (hands him coffee) It's gonna be fine. You need to get to school. I'll call you if I hear something. LUCAS: Oh, come on, mom, it's Keith. This is important! KAREN: Your future is important. Don't you have a meeting with your guidance counselor today? (he nods) Talk about colleges? DAN: (appearing) Oh, you wouldn't wanna miss that! (They look at him.) DAN: I mean look; Keith didn't go to college and look where he ended up. (Lucas shakes his head and Karen advances on Dan.) KAREN: (fuming) What the hell is wrong with you? He's your brother, for god's sake! DAN: (walks forward) Exactly. Someone shoulda told him that before he tried to light me on fire(!) LUCAS: Keith had nothing to do with that! DAN: How would you know?! Were you there? (Lucas looks down and steps away.) KAREN: Lucas, go to school. (turns her head and glares at Dan) Don't waste your breath on him. DAN: You wasted more than that. (Lucas drops his cup and advances on his father.) DAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, now come on, you don't wanna get hurt before the big game tomorrow. (smiles) There's gonna be scouts there. Oh, but then they're there to see Nathan, not you. (tsks) Well, gotta run; don't wanna be late for the Keith Show. (walks to the entrance) In today's episode, Keith Scott learns - you play with fire, you're gonna get burned. (Karen and Lucas watch him walk in - disgustedly.) DAN: (o.s) Dun, dun, dun(!) BROOKE: (v.o) Sorry,- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] (Brooke is sitting where Haley sat previously.) BROOKE: -why am I here again? I mean, not that I'm not grateful for the 'get out of jail free' card, but... what's the catch? (The camera pans and continues to do so when it cuts to the counselor.) COUNSLEOR: You're here so I can help you decided which college is best for you. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] (Peyton has taken Brooke's place.) PEYTON: I doubt I'll even go to college so... (smiles) you're wasting your breath. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NEW BRUNSWICK COUNTY JAIL - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY] (The detective is still interrogating Keith.) DETECTIVE: And you're wasting my time. (pause) Why do you think your brother would accuse you of trying to kill him? KEITH: Maybe he's still mad at me for sleeping with his wife? (shrugs) COUNSELOR: (v.o) And is your wife gonna factor in to- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] (Nathan is sitting opposite the counselor.) COUNSELOR: -the college you pick? NATHAN: (frowning) That's not really your business, is it? Anyway, colleges come to me, I don't go to them. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NEW BRUNSWICK COUNTY JAIL - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY] DETECTIVE: And why'd you come back to Tree Hill? KEITH: Coz I live here? COUNSELOR: (v.o) And do you wanna stay close to home? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] (Lucas is now being interviewed by the counselor.) LUCAS: Probably. I mean, I can't really afford to go to college out of state. DETECTIVE: (v.o) Well, you're not going anywhere- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NEW BRUNSWICK COUNTY JAIL - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY] DETECTIVE: (o.s) -until we sort this out. KEITH: (putting his hands up) OK, OK, just stop, (smiles) alright? I wanna talk to my brother. I-I know he's out there. COME ON, DANNY! COME ON IN! (pause) Danny! (The door opens and Dan walks in.) KEITH: (leans back and spreads his arms) Ah! DAN: You ready to confess? (The detective looks back at Keith.) KEITH: Yeah, OK. OK,... I confess. (Dan looks away and nods.) KEITH: I, um,... bought a bottle of liquor. I was... I was just so thirsty. (mocks) I'm sorry, Dan, can you forgive me? (Keith laughs. Dan leans down.) DAN: You think this is funny?! (Keith continues to laugh. Dan grabs him by the front of his jumpsuit and slams him against the wall.) DAN: Son of a bitch! (The detective stands and tries to pull Dan off Keith.) DETECTIVE: OK. KEITH: (struggling to breathe) There's no need to bring mom into this, Danny. DETECTIVE: (trying to pull Dan off) OK, that's enough(!) (Dan continues to talk.) DETECTIVE: That's enough, I said. (Keith struggles more and the detective finally manages to pull Dan off. They stand back.) KEITH: (turning away and mocking some more) Help, police(!) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] (Peyton is back in the seat opposite the counselor.) PEYTON: Well, I guess I just don't really get the point of college. COUNSELOR: The point is to find something you love and hopefully make a career of it. What makes you happy? PEYTON: (thinks) I don't know. Music, I guess. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Peyton is standing in her room and talking on the phone.) PEYTON: But everyone loves your stuff, you know that, right? (pause) I just think this would be a great opportunity for you. (She listens, sighs and crosses a name off the board.) PEYTON: OK, we'll talk later, then. (Peyton turns away from the board. Ellie's lying on her bed.) ELLIE: Musicians can be so neurotic. PEYTON: (smiling and capping the pen) No, that was Brooke. She's got this fashion show thing coming up (sits on the bed) and so she calls me every second she has a new idea which is pretty much every second. (pause) I didn't think I'd hear from her again now that her and Lucas have stopped this whole 'non-exclusive' crap. ELLIE: 'Non-exclusive' meaning? PEYTON: Basically, friends with benefits. (Ellie thinks, gets it and laughs.) ELLIE: Friends with benefits. (shakes her head) Isn't that just sleeping around? PEYTON: No, it's like... it's like being friends with someone you get to have s*x with but... you can still hook up with other people too. (Ellie raises her eyebrows and looks at Peyton pointedly.) PEYTON: OK, (grins) so you're right. It's the same. (Ellie smiles to herself. Peyton puts her CD case down and gets off the bed. She walks back to the board.) ELLIE: And what about you? (Peyton looks back at her.) ELLIE: Do you have any beneficial friends? PEYTON: No. I dated this guy, Nathan, for a while but we were more benefits than we were friends. Um, (quickly) but we're just friends - no benefits - now. (laughs) And then... there was this other guy but... but he was more than that. (Her smile is strained as she turns back to the board. Ellie smiles and walks to her.) ELLIE: Were you in love with him? (Peyton nods.) ELLIE: Hmmm. That's the hard part. s*x - easy. (pause) But if you find someone you're in love with who's also your friend, wouldn't that be the greatest benefit? PEYTON: I don't know, it's a fairytale, I guess. ELLIE: (shrugs) Well, there's nothing wrong with fairytales. (touches Peyton's shoulder) Everyone ends up happily ever after. (Ellie walks away and Peyton smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] (Haley is back in the office.) HALEY: When I was little, my parents took us to California so my sister could look at colleges and Stanford was just one of our stops and... I was only eight but I just... fell in love. (smiles) I... I had never seen anything like it growing up in Tree Hill; all those different people in one place and I just thought to myself;... wow, this... this must be what the world is like. This is where I wanna be. (nods) And ever since then, I've just... wanted to go there. (There's a pause.) COUNSELOR: Where does your husband wanna go? (Haley smiles, completely unsure.) HALEY: (v.o) Hey, uh,- [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH - BENCHES - DAY] (Close-up of the table.) HALEY: (o.s) -this came to the apartment for you. Guess they think you still live there. (Cut back to show Nathan working at one of the tables. He turns the envelope and looks at it.) NATHAN: Thanks. HALEY: Two thousand, seven-hundred and ninety-eight miles. That's how far apart our dream schools are. (She drops her bag onto the bench.) NATHAN: Yeah. (She sits.) HALEY: Nathan, I said some things the other night- NATHAN: I said some things too. (nods) I'm sorry. HALEY: ... Me too. NATHAN: (sighs) I guess we can add this to the list of things we shoulda talked about. HALEY: (smiles) We can talk about it now. NATHAN: (v.o) I didn't realise I was supposed- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] (Nathan is back in the seat.) NATHAN: -to figure out my entire future today. COUNSELOR: (looking up from her file) You should at least be thinking about it. NATHAN: Trust me, I've been thinking about it ever since I could shoot a basketball. (Nathan looks at her seriously.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NEW BRUNSWICK COUNTY JAIL - OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY] (The detective and Dan are standing in another room. Keith can be seen through the two-way mirror.) DETECTIVE: Look, Mayor Scott, the arrest was a favour, but without anything solid, I can't hold him. (pause) In fact, the only charges I could bring would be against you for assaulting your brother. (Keith takes his legs off the table. The door in his room opens and he looks at a cop.) DAN: (annoyed) Can I fire you? DETECTIVE: No. (Keith walks up to the two-way mirror and salutes.) KEITH: It's good seeing ya, Danny. (Dan looks at the mirror.) KEITH: Oh, um,... could this visit take the place of Christmas this year? (Keith puts his hands in his pockets and smiles before exiting the room. The cops leave too. Dan is left alone to fume.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH - GROUNDS - DAY] (Two girls walk across the grounds.) HALEY: (o.s) Stanford is, like, my dream school. It's where I've wanted to go since I played... pretend SATs! (Haley and Lucas walk into the shot.) LUCAS: Man, I forgot how much of a nerd you were. (Haley scoffs and hits him.) HALEY: Oh, whatever, Rambo! LUCAS: No Rambo was cool! (Haley laughs.) HALEY: Ohh, I don't feel like I'm picking... a college as much as I feel like I'm picking a future. LUCAS: Yeah, but didn't you kinda pick a future when you married Nathan? HALEY: Watch it, mister(!) (Lucas throws his arms up in defeat.) HALEY: Hey, by the way, you're, um,... like, feeling alright and everything, right? LUCAS: Yeah, I'm fine, why? HALEY: I just had this dream that you... had a heart attack and... you're buying your medicine and you don't need to borrow any money or anything, right? LUCAS: (holds her arm) Yes, I'm fine, but thank you. BROOKE: (appears) S'up, boyfriend? (takes his arm) (to Haley) Faily. HALEY: And I'm never telling you anything again, ever. BROOKE: Speaking of, though, what is the deal with these meetings today? I mean, college is like a million years away. HALEY: (sighs) And three thousand miles. (turns away cattily) Bye(!) (leaves) BROOKE: (turning to Lucas) OK, I don't get it. LUCAS: She just realised that she and Nathan wanna go to college across the country from each other. BROOKE: They just figured that out? Isn't that the sort of thing couples talk about? LUCAS: Yes,... so... what are your plans after high school? BROOKE: (considers) Well, I always figured I'd... marry a millionaire and he'd whisk me away to his private island (Lucas raises an eyebrow) in the Bahamas. Where are you going anyway? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] (Lucas is back in the chair.) LUCAS: How's the fashion institute's basketball team? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] BROOKE: Is there a good fashion programme at, like,... (frowns) basketball school? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY] (Mouth is sitting outside the counselor's office, writing quickly. Rachel approaches him.) RACHEL: Mouth! (He looks up and smiles.) RACHEL: (whispering) You're totally screwed(!) (His smile falls.) RACHEL: Principle Turner wants to see you. (Mouth considers for a beat before picking up his stuff and following her.) MOUTH: I don't think I did anything wrong. I mean, did he say what he wants? RACHEL: (frowning) No because he didn't actually send me. (they stop) I just need your help. MOUTH: But I had an appointment with the guidance counselor. (makes to turn back) (Rachel stops him.) RACHEL: Why would you let some... burn-out in a dead-end job tell you where to go to college? (drags him away) I mean, college obviously didn't work for her. MOUTH: (stops and turns to her) Rachel, that burn-out's my mom. (Rachel looks away, speechless.) MOUTH: See, I can joke too. But, seriously, I need to get back. RACHEL: (sighs) OK, but seriously, just catch the counselor on her lunch hour at the soup kitchen. I need your help. (She drags him off-screen. The counselor's door opens.) COUNSELOR: (stepping out) Marvin McFadden? (She looks around but he's gone.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. NEW BRUNSWICK COUNTY JAIL - ENTRANCE - DAY] (Karen is sitting on a low wall, massaging her head. She looks left and stands.) KAREN: Keith,... (She walks to him and hugs him. He laughs and hugs her back.) KAREN: (letting go) Are you OK? KEITH: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Tree Hill Jail isn't exactly Attica. (pause) Though, you know, you didn't have to wait for me. (Karen looks at him for a beat.) KAREN: We can't let Dan get away with this. (turns away to get her bag) We should probably sue him or call the news! (he walks up behind her) Or maybe even hi- KEITH: Go out? (She stops ranting and turns to him, perplexed.) KEITH: The Ravens are playing tomorrow night and... I was thinking that maybe we should go together. KAREN: (bewildered) You're asking me out on a date? (Keith nods.) KAREN: (amused) Keith, Dan is trying to convict you of murder! KEITH: I didn't kill anyone. Dan is just trying to rattle me. Besides... nothing would make me happier than taking you out. (pause) And, nothing would make Dan angrier than seeing me happy. KAREN: Well, OK, then. I'd love to. But, for the record, I'll be doing it for the first reason. KEITH: (considers) OK. (He holds his arm out and she takes it.) KEITH: The second reason will just be a bonus. (She laughs and they walk off-screen.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] (The counselor is interviewing Brooke again.) COUNSELOR: So, you're interested in fashion design? BROOKE: Yes, but, I'm... interested in a lotta things. (smiles) COUNSELOR: Such as? BROOKE: I'm student council president, captain of the cheerleaders, founder of 'DW not I' and girlfriend of Ravens star shooting guard - Lucas Scott. (smiles brightly) COUNSELOR: And what're your plans after high school? BROOKE: (looking at the counselor as if she's stupid) After high school I have cheer practice. (There's a beat before the camera jerks left and pans.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH - CEMENT QUAD - DAY] (Mouth is standing if front of the cheerleaders as he shows them some new moves. Brooke is not there.) MOUTH: Five, six, seven, eight - (starts jumping) cross front, cross back, (turns in a jump) turn around. (They move their arms.) MOUTH: Arms cross, crank it up. (Rachel looks back at him and smiles.) BROOKE: (appearing) Whoa, stop, halt, cut! (stops the music) Why is everybody here early? (Peyton and Haley frown at her.) BEVIN: (smiling) Early? You're like an hour late. BROOKE: I don't think so. (Mouth doesn't meet her eyes) Unlike you, I've never thought there was a thirteen o'clock. (Rachel puts her hair behind her ear.) HALEY: Brooke, Rachel said you wanted us here an hour early. (Brooke looks at Peyton and Haley, hurt. She walks forward.) BROOKE: And, where did you two think I was this whole time? PEYTON: (cautiously) Late, as usual. RACHEL: Brooke, the classic's coming up and we don't have a routine yet. (pause) And I figured since Mouth helped you out last year, we could maybe come up with one and surprise you. (beams) So... surprise(!) BROOKE: (cattily) The only way I'd be surprised right now is if you were actually wearing underwear(!) RACHEL: (bites her lip) Guess no surprises, then. BROOKE: (scoffs) OK, I am the captain of this squad; it is my job to come up with a routine for the tournament w- RACHEL: (sickly sweet) But the tournament is the same weekend as Rouge Vogue. (Both Haley and Peyton look at Rachel.) RACHEL: You'll be in New York City. (There's a beat as Brooke absorbs the news.) BROOKE: (understanding) That's why you submitted my fashion designs. (nods) (Rachel smiles and shrugs.) RACHEL: Surprise. (Peyton and Haley look back at Brooke, waiting for her reaction. Brooke's face is filled with sharp betrayal as she turns and walks away. Mouth and the cheerleaders watch her silently.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] (Lucas is sitting in the chair, thinking.) LUCAS: I mean, I could probably get some... academic scholarship interest... (shrugs) but I'm really hoping to still play basketball. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - BLACKTOP - DAY] (Lucas jumps and throws the ball. It misses and he drops his arm.) LUCAS: (v.o) I guess I'm not ready to give it up. KEITH: (o.s) Hmmm. You know, (Lucas turns) in jail, a shot like that would make you will make you somebody's girlfriend. (The camera pans around fast as Lucas turns. He smiles happily.) LUCAS: Yeah, we'll you'd know. (Cut to Keith who's standing there, smiling.) LUCAS: I was worried about you. Are you OK? KEITH: Yeah, I'm fine. Anyway, you're a kid, Luke. You should worry about kid stuff. LUCAS: Oh, you mean like... school, money, mom,... (breathes in and picks something off Keith's collar) college scholarships, scouts? KEITH: Wow, its tough being a kid these days. LUCAS: Hmm. KEITH: (walking to the ball) Since when do you worry about scouts? LUCAS: Since I realised if I get a basketball scholarship, my mom won't have to worry. KEITH: (turning back with the ball) Well, she likes to worry about you. LUCAS: I don't want her to. (pause) You know what, college is expensive. KEITH: We'll manage. We always have. (Lucas laughs and looks away, nodding.) KEITH: What? LUCAS: You said 'we'. (Keith doesn't answer. He looks down at the ball in his hand.) KEITH: I, um,... (walks to him) asked your mom out on a date. (smiles) Hope that's OK with you. LUCAS: I think it's great. What'd she say? KEITH: Funny. (nods) I guess you had to ask the question. I mean, my track record with your mom is about as bad as the Ravens'. LUCAS: Argh(!) KEITH: Hm, so, (tosses the ball at him) do me a favour - win tomorrow night. I was gonna say score but I didn't think that was appropriate. LUCAS: Oh. (He jumps and gets the ball through the hoop this time. Keith nods at him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS SCOTT APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Brooke walks across the living room, nose in the air. She opens the door to Mouth.) BROOKE: (turns and walks away from the door) Oh, hi, come on in. Have you seen my friend Mouth? He looks just like you only he has a skank attached to his hip(!) MOUTH: I'm sorry, Brooke. (shuts the door) I was trying to help all the cheerleaders; including you. BROOKE: Well, for the record, when you're helping Rachel, you are not helping me. (She fiddles with a new dress she's making. It's on a mannequin.) MOUTH: I don't think she tried to set you up. (Brooke gapes at him.) MOUTH: She said she had no idea it was the same weekend when she submitted your designs. BROOKE: (annoyed) And you believed her? Mouth, she is lying! OK, if you weren't so busy trying to see through her shirt, you would see through her BS. (points) She's using you. MOUTH: How? BROOKE: I don't know. I am not a conniving bitch! But I know that if she's being nice to you, it is for a reason and not a good one. I mean, if you want a new friend, why don't you hang out with the raisin girl? MOUTH: (visibly hurt) Her name is Gigi. BROOKE: Yes. Gigi - good; Rachel - bad(!) MOUTH: So I should stick with my own kind. (nodding and glaring) BROOKE: I'm not saying that. I just know how someone like her sees someone like you. MOUTH: Someone like me? (Brooke inclines her head but doesn't respond.) MOUTH: (shrugs forcefully) I get it, a hot girl would never hang out with someone like me unless she wanted something. (walks to the front door) BROOKE: (follows) No, Mouth, wait. Th- MOUTH: Why, do you have more furniture for me to move? (slams the door behind him) (Brooke gapes, trying to figure out what just happened.) COUNSELOR: (v.o) Your parents aren't around? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] (Brooke shrugs.) BROOKE: No, but that's not unusual for Tree Hill. (pause) (smiles) We should have milk cartons with missing parents on them. COUNSELOR: It must be difficult being alone. BROOKE: I'm not alone. (The counselor just listens.) BROOKE: I hate being alone. I have my roommate and... my squad, my friends; my Peyton, my Lucas. (smiles and shrugs) (A door shuts off-screen.) LUCAS: (v.o) Hey,- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS SCOTT RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Lucas walks in carrying a brown bag.) LUCAS: -didn't know what to get you so I got a little bit of everything. (sighs) (Brooke groans and he sets the bag in front of her - on the counter.) BROOKE: Is there a kick in the head in there, coz that's what I deserve. (He laughs and takes food out.) LUCAS: What's wrong? BROOKE: Mouth came over here earlier and I went all 'Mean Girls' on him. (Lucas closes his eyes and thinks.) LUCAS: Wait a second, you were mean to Mouth? BROOKE: I- LUCAS: (looks in the bag) Yeah, you know, there might be a kick in the head here somewhere. (reaches into the bag) BROOKE: It's just, he's gotten all buddy-buddy with that escort wanna-be - Rachel - who I found out only entered me in Rouge Vogue because it's the same weekend as the classic! LUCAS: So, do em both. BROOKE: I can't. I need you to help me decide. (pulls out chopsticks) I mean, this is my last year to take my squad to the classic and win but Rogue Vogue could be my only chance at showing my designs. LUCAS: (walks back with sauce) You know what I would do if I was you? (She grumbles in response. He sets the bottle down and leans down a bit.) LUCAS: Do em both. BROOKE: (irritated) You are not helping! (chews) LUCAS: OK, they're in different states but... I mean, they're during different times of the weekend. BROOKE: And I would still have to be in two places at once. I'm not supergirl, I can't... (straightens as an idea strikes) (Lucas waits for it.) BROOKE: I could fly. (pause) Oh my god, this could totally work. I could win two trophies and keep one on my dresser and shove the other one up Rachel's- (Lucas moves forward.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH - ENTRANCE - DAY] (Close-up of Dan's ass as he bangs on the Sunkist drinks machine, trying to get his soda. It drops out and he turns, bending to take it out. He looks up.) DAN: Hello, Peyton. (Cut to Haley, glaring at him.) DAN: Oops, I mean Haley. (laughing) It's hard to keep all of Nathan's girlfriends straight. You know, I'll probably call the next one you. (Haley smiles misleadingly.) HALEY: So, what're you doing here? DAN: Oh, just some official mayor business. Wouldn't wanna bore you. HALEY: Oh, thanks. (walks past him) DAN: How's my new song doing, anyway? (Haley stops and turns back.) HALEY: (playing along) What're you talking about? DAN: The song you're recording. Nathan's paying Chris Keller to work with you and since I'm paying Nathan's allowance for being such a good little boy, it's kinda mine. (Haley's expression slips and Dan understands what he obviously already knew.) DAN: Oh, (walks forward) you didn't know where the money was coming from. Don't you and Nathan talk about anything? HALEY: (straightening her bag) Yeah, mostly we talk about how happy he is to be away from you. DAN: You know, that's not exactly the thank you I was expecting after dropping thousands of dollars on your career. (Haley scoffs, turns and walks away.) DAN: (leering) I'll see you in class. (Haley looks back briefly but keeps on walking.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - CORRIDOR - DAY] (Nathan walks through the doors.) HALEY: Nathan? (Nathan turns and spots Haley who's approached him.) HALEY: (not upset) Did you pay Chris to help me with my music? (They walk down the corridor together.) NATHAN: (evading) Good morning to you, too. HALEY: I just ran into your dad. Is that true? NATHAN: Yeah. HALEY: Why didn't you tell me, Nathan? I want us to be honest with each other about everything. NATHAN: So, what, every time I wanna do something nice for you, I have to ask first? HALEY: No, that's not the point! It was very nice but you, like, totally went behind my back, and it felt like something Dan would do. (Nathan looks away from her and spots his father talking to some people at the other end of the corridor. Haley turns her head when she sees Nathan's attention averted. Before she can say anything, Nathan takes off.) NATHAN: (walking purposely to Dan) Do I have to change the locks at school now? DAN: (laughs) I'm the mayor, I have the keys to the city. (slaps him lightly with the folder) Besides, is that any way to talk to your new teacher? (Nathan frowns.) DAN: Principle Turner asked me to speak to your Political Science class. (Nathan looks away, annoyed.) NATHAN: You're kidding(!) NATHAN: (v.o) I need to get away from my dad.- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] (Nathan is talking to the counselor again.) NATHAN: -And basketball's the way out. (pause) The plan's always been: high school, and then Duke... then the NBA. COUNSELOR: Who came up with this plan? NATHAN: (thinks and realises) ... My dad. DAN: (v.o) Whoa,- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - CORRIDOR - DAY] (Nathan's turned his back and is walking away.) DAN: -where're you going? You just gonna skip class? NATHAN: (without looking back) I've heard you speak, dad - waste of time(!) (He walks past Haley. Haley looks at Dad, angry. Dan just leers at her again. She turns slowly and walks away. Dan, now standing alone in the corridor, smiles to himself. He turns around.) FADE TO BLACK: [SCENE_BREAK] COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] (Peyton sits with her arms crossed, waiting.) COUNSELOR: Have you talked to your parents about college? PEYTON: ... Well, I mean, my birth-mom's really the only one that's around right now and... (smiles) she didn't go. COUNSELOR: What did she do after high school? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Ellie is sitting on the couch.) ELLIE: Drugs(!) (She scowls and sits back. Peyton is sitting on the couch too, eating.) PEYTON: Well, you didn't go to college and you're doing just fine. ELLIE: I'm a free-lance writer who lives pay-check to pay-check. I've done okay, but I could have done better. (shakes her head) You don't wanna go to college? PEYTON: Does that surprise you?! ELLIE: Actually, it does; I just assumed you'd go. (Peyton stops eating and sits back.) PEYTON: Why? ELLIE: Because you can. (Ellie sighs and grabs their plates.) ELLIE: I never understood people who had the chance to go and chose not to. (Ellie walks to the kitchen.) PEYTON: Well, I don't understand people that waste four years in school when they could be out living life! (yelling to be heard) ELLIE: What's the hurry? From what I hear, college is fun. I can see you majoring in art or music. Or business(!) PEYTON: Really? You see all that without tarot card or a Ouija Board? What else do you see? ELLIE: I see you being late for cheerleading. (Peyton looks at her watch and then looks up.) PEYTON: I guess you really are a psychic. (stands) Alright, well, how bout this? (picks up the board with band's names on it) Do you, by any chance, see a name for this album? ELLIE: Hopefully something better than This Album. PEYTON: I don't know, it's kinda growing on me. (She smiles and puts the board down.) ELLIE: OK, have fun. Don't benefit any friends... and do good cheering. PEYTON: (mocking) Go Ravens(!) (waves and walks to her door) ELLIE: You know, I'm starting to doubt my powers coz I never woulda see you as a cheerleader. PEYTON: (pauses and smiles fondly) My mom was a cheerleader. (Ellie nods and Peyton waves again - leaving.) LUCAS: (v.o) You know, I just want my mom to...- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] LUCAS: -stop worrying and enjoy life. (smiles and shrugs) She deserves that much. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - KAREN'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Lucas enters the room, buttoning his cuffs. He looks down and laughs. Karen is sitting at her vanity mirror, putting make-up on.) LUCAS: (bends down) So, tonight's the big night. Are you excited? I mean, Keith is like the most popular kid in school. (Karen looks at him for a long moment.) KAREN: Don't make fun of me. (Lucas laughs.) KAREN: I'm too nervous. (Lucas pats her on the arm and walks further into the room. Karen puts lipstick on and Lucas sits on her bed.) KAREN: Right, now, (pause) how do I look? LUCAS: (shrugs) Like my mom. KAREN: (sighs forcefully) I'm serious! LUCAS: You look great, ma. (Karen smiles.) LUCAS: You looked great the last time you asked me and the time before that. KAREN: (beat) And, what about the time before that? LUCAS: (thinks hard) Oh, so-so. (Karen smiles and looks down.) KAREN: (nervously) Shouldn't dating get easier? (The doorbell rings.) KAREN: (frantic) Oh, um,... OK. (gets off the stool) LUCAS: Do you want me to have a little talk with him? You know, make sure his intentions are... (massages his fists teasingly) honourable. (Karen stops the spraying of her perfume to look at her son exasperatedly.) KAREN: I got it from here. (She sprays the perfume and then puts it back on the dresser.) KAREN: Alright, um,... (takes her bag) good luck at the game. You will be joining us for dinner afterwards? LUCAS: I'll be there. (Karen smiles.) KAREN: OK. (She walks out of the door.) LUCAS: (calling after her) You know, this is getting pretty serious, huh - bringing him home to meet the fam(!)? KAREN: (pokes her head in for a beat) Enough(!) (Lucas laughs and stands. She opens the front door to Keith. She smiles delightedly.) KAREN: Keith. You look... KEITH: You look... too. (smiles nervously) (Karen bites her lip and Keith laughs. She shuts the door behind her and walks down the front porch with him.) KAREN: I, uh,... have a confession; I was, uh,... pretty nervous about tonight. KEITH: Oh, yeah, me too. I actually changed my shirt three times and... I was gonna change again and then I realised I only have three shirts. (Karen laughs.) KAREN: Well, I like that one. (Karen looks at the car, stunned.) KAREN: This is yours?(!) KEITH: This is the car I've always dreamed about... which... makes it prefect for tonight. KAREN: What made you finally decide to buy it? (Keith holds open the door for her.) KEITH: Lately I've been... less about talking and more about doing. (They smile and Karen gets into the car. There's a shot of the rear of the car as the red Mustang drives away.) COUNSELOR: (v.o) So, why don't you like to talk about college? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] (Brooke smiles, strained, and shrugs.) BROOKE: Coz it... freaks me out,... (pause) OK? I, um,... I like high school. I'm good at high school. You know, I know who my friends are and who my enemy is. (shrugs again) Got this place down. (Brooke looks on, silently nervous.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH - GROUNDS - EVENING] (Brooke is dressed in her cheerleader outfit with a heavy bag slung over her shoulder. She walks up with a fake smile in place.) BROOKE: Rachel. (Rachel turns from talking to the cheerleaders. The other girls leave.) BROOKE: Question: what do Rogue Vogue and the classic have in common? Answer: Brooke Davis. Nice try but I'm doing both. RACHEL: (uncaringly) How're you gonna do that? BROOKE: It called 'you're an idiot'; one's on Saturday, one's on Sunday and there's a flight smack-dab in the middle. So you're gonna have to try harder next time you practice bitch-craft. RACHEL: (seething) Well, won't you just be the busiest girl in hobusiness?(!) BROOKE: And you'll be taking a backseat; but I guess you're used to that. (Rachel looks over Brooke's shoulder, smiles and waves. Mouth walks up behind, waves and smiles back. Brooke looks over her shoulder and spots him. He ignores her and walks past. Rachel smirks and follows him.) (Brooke watches them wordlessly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE GYM - EVENING] (Nathan jumps and puts the basketball through the hoop of the formerly decrepit gym. All of the team are practising before the game.) KEITH: Oh, this gym's nearly as old as you are. WHITEY: Yeah, but I look better. (Whitey turns to look at Keith and Karen.) KAREN: (smiling) Hey Whitey. (Whitey walks to them.) KEITH: (grinning) Gonna win one for us tonight? WHITEY: Well, it depends; are you gonna stick around and watch? KEITH: (nods) Yeah, I'll be here. (smiles at Karen) (Whitey laughs silently.) WHITEY: I bet you will. (Lucas puts a ball through the hoop as Nathan stands under it.) WHITEY: Good to have you home, Keith. All I need now is a win to make this night perfect. (Whitey scowls and walks forward as he watches Nathan put another ball through the hoop. The shot freezes before the ball goes through.) COUNSELOR: (v.o) Your basketball career could end, just like that. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] COUNSELOR: You need to think about your education, too. NATHAN: (sits up) No, you don't get it - without basketball... I'm not gonna have an education. I'm not gonna get into college based on my grades. Basketball's all I've got. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE GYM - EVENING] (The frozen shot unfreezes and Nathan puts the ball through the hoop. All of the cheerleaders walk into the gym, laughing and grinning. Brooke enters with Peyton and they slow down to a halt. Brooke looks around at the gym in disgust.) BROOKE: This place is disgusting. I can actually see the germs in the air. (Peyton's expression isn't much better. Dan charges in and pushes his way between the pair. Brooke winces and glares at his back.) PEYTON: (watching Dan) Yeah, me too. (Peyton puts her hand to Brooke's shoulder and they move out of the shot. Dan walks to Nathan.) DAN: Nathan. (Nathan looks at him as he takes his jacket off.) DAN: Good news. NATHAN: (poker face) What, I'm adopted? DAN: (pointing off-screen) David Shay is here. NATHAN: What?(!) (Nathan turns and sees David Shay talking and shaking hands with the referee.) DAN: You wanna play for any basketball powerhouse on the East Coast, that's the scout you wanna impress. (Nathan nods and tucks his shirt in.) DAN: It seems all those phone calls I made on your behalf (grins) paid off. NATHAN: (irritated) This has nothing to do with you. If he's here, it's because of me. (appraises him) You can't own this one. (He leaves Dan standing there and runs onto the court.) WHITEY: (clapping and talking to the players) Aright, come on, move, move, move, move. GIGI SILVERI: (at the announcers table with Mouth) This is Gigi Silveri. Now that the Ravens have stripped outta their street clothes (smiles fondly) and... put on tight shorts that... caress their firm buttocks... (Mouth looks at her mutely, not happy.) GIGI SILVERI: We're ready to get underway. (looks at Mouth) Mouth? MOUTH: That was... good. (Gigi turns away, grinning.) WHITEY: Alright, here's the deal: you wanna go back to playing in a gym that doesn't smell like mouldy cheese,... well go out there and win a game for a change! (The team nod.) WHITEY: (holds his fist out) Alright, on three. (The team put their fists in.) WHITEY: One, two, three: THE TEAM: WINNERS! (The team move to the benches and Whitey stops Nathan.) WHITEY: Nathan, (Nathan stops and looks at him.) WHITEY: not tonight. You have a seat. NATHAN: (confused) What? Why? WHITEY: (staring hard) I understand you skipped Political Science this morning. NATHAN: Coach, my dad was there; he knew I was skipping. WHITEY: I didn't. You know the policy - you miss school, you miss the game. No exceptions. (looks at a guy on the bench) Dustin, you're in. (Lucas looks on unhappily. Nathan pursues Whitey.) NATHAN: No, no, no, Coach, there's a big-time scout here. I have to play tonight. WHITEY: (stops and turns to him) Nathan,... SIT DOWN! (pause) Now. (The cheerleaders stop their stretches and watch. Close-up of Haley's bemused face. Dan looks on, thankfully quiet for once. Nathan can't believe it as he takes the bench. Dan looks between Nathan and Lucas. Lucas glares at Dan. Nathan looks at his brother.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREEHILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] COUNSELOR: What if basketball doesn't work out? (Lucas moves around in his seat and laughs to himself.) LUCAS: Uh, I don't expect it to. (looks down) But, if it can help me get into a good college, and help my mom out at the same time, I'm gonna throw everything I have into it. (Cheering sounds off-screen.) CHEERLEADERS: (v.o) De-fence! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE GYM - EVENING] (Pan down for the Ravens logo where the cheerleaders are standing off to one side, cheering.) CHEERLEADERS: De-fence! De-fence! (The players are getting ready.) CHEERLEADERS: De-fence! De-fence! (Tim passes the ball to Lucas. Lucas throws it and gets it through the hoop. The Ravens supporters jump up and cheer. As do the cheerleaders.) KEITH: (leaning forward) Yeah! Oh yeah! (Cut to the scoreboard, which shows Ravens with 29 points and Visitor with 37. The Raven's points go up to 31.) (The opposing team get another basket.) (Dan discreetly walks up to Whitey.) DAN: Piece of advice for you, gramps - (Whitey rolls his eyes) most Coach's play their leading scorers. Kinda helps them, you know (shakes his head) win(!) WHITEY: (sarcastically) Wow, Mayor's talking to me. What an honour(!) (Whitey ignores him and walks away. Nathan looks at them disappointedly.) (The game continues through a series of fade-outs. Lucas gets the ball and gets another basket. Karen claps and Keith yells them to 'come on' again. Whitey claps too.) (Cut back to the scoreboard which now shows Ravens with 32 and Visitor with 37. Raven's score bumps up to 34 and the buzzer sounds as time runs out for the second period.) (Cut to Mouth and Gigi at the announcer's table.) MOUTH: And there's the end of the first half. The Ravens trail on a close one: 37 to 34. We'll be back in a few minutes with the start of the second half. (Mouth takes his headphones off and looks at the cheerleaders. Brooke smiles brightly and waves at him. He turns to Gigi.) MOUTH: I'll be right back. (He gets out of his seat, steps off the stage and walks away from the cheerleaders - studiously ignoring the cheerleaders and Brooke. Brooke drops her hands and looks away sadly. The team are walking to the locker rooms. Lucas comes up next to Whitey and they walk together.) LUCAS: Can I talk to you, Coach? WHITEY: Not if it's about your brother, Ferris Bueller. LUCAS: (exasperated) Look, the only reason Nathan skipped class was because of Dan and the only way to get him away from Dan is to let the scout see him play. WHITEY: It's not your place to defend him. LUCAS: Yes, it is; (points at him) you made me co-captain, didn't you? Well, he's my team-mate and the team needs him. WHITEY: I appreciate your concern for your team-mate, but rules are rules and you're gonna have to find a way to win without him. (Lucas looks down defeatedly and Whitey enters the gym. Lucas looks sideways and glares before following Whitey.) (A toilet flushes off-screen.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE GYM - TOILETS - EVENING] (Mouth walks to the sink and turns the tap on. Brooke walks into the toilet and locks the door.) BROOKE: (innocently) Funny running into you here. (Mouth pauses for a moment, completely lost and confused.) MOUTH: Am I in the right bathroom? BROOKE: Mouth, I'm really, really, really, sorry. (Mouth sighs and leans against the sink.) BROOKE: OK, I didn't mean to hurt you. I just meant... a guy like you is... one of my very best friends. (Mouth nods, listening.) BROOKE: And I was just trying to protect you from one of my very un-best friends. (She waits and Mouth smiles.) MOUTH: It's OK, Brooke. BROOKE: Can I make it up to you? (shrugs) Hang out after the game? MOUTH: (laughs) I never though I'd be propositioned in a men's room. (Brooke laughs.) MOUTH: And like it, anyway. BROOKE: (smiling) Is that a yes? MOUTH: (smile falls) Well,... I kinda have plans. BROOKE: (beat) With Rachel. MOUTH: ... I'd invite you,... but- BROOKE: It's OK. (shrugs) Be careful, Mouth. (There's a knock on the door. Brooke turns to it, winks at Mouth and opens the door. Mouth smiles.) BROOKE: Oh(!) (A few guys enter the bathroom. Brooke smiles and exits. Mouth turns back to the sink.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE GYM - ENTRANCE - EVENING] (Dan walks out of the gym and spots the scout.) DAN: (pointing) David Shay? (Walks down the steps and takes David Shay's hand.) DAN: Mayor Dan Scott. Nathan's father. DAVID SHAY: Oh, I was looking forward to seeing your son play. DAN: Well who wasn't? (puts his arm around David's shoulder and makes him walk with him) Uh, listen, David. The truth is, Coach Durham has a personal issue with me. Unfortunately, he's punishing Nathan for it. It's sad, really. DAVID SHAY: Ah, Lucas was playing well. DAN: That part's even sadder. (Keith shoulder moves partially onto the screen.) KEITH: Are you talking about Lucas? (David Shay nods.) KEITH: Coz I'm, uh, (looks at Dan and shakes David Shay's hand) Keith, Lucas' uncle. DAVID SHAY: He's having quite a night. KEITH: Yeah, he's a really good kid and he's got great grades too. DAVID SHAY: That's nice to hear. Well, uh,... I gotta get back inside. It's nice to meet you two. (Dan nods.) KEITH: You too. (David Shay walks back into the gym. Karen walks up to Keith and he puts his arm around her shoulders. Dan laughs.) DAN: Ohhh, (smiles) you both could do better. KAREN: (looks at him pointedly) God knows I've done worse. (She walks past him. Keith looks at her and his smile grows. He smirks at Dan and follows her. Dan waits a beat.) DAN: Hey, Keith? (Karen and Keith stop and turn.) DAN: (back to them) I wouldn't leave town if I were you. KEITH: (laughs) Well, I'm not going anywhere, Danny. (beams at Karen) I wouldn't dream of it. (Keith puts his hand at Karen's waist and leads her back into the gym. Dan turns away, glaring hard.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE GYM - EVENING] (Play has resumed on the court. The Ravens are scattered on it. Tim tosses the ball to Lucas who gets the ball through the basket.) KEITH: YEAH! (Karen claps. Nathan looks down, unhappy that he's not part of it.) HALEY: (v.o) I-I feel like I can't win. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] HALEY: I mean, d-do I-do I go on without him? Do I beg him to come with me? Follow him wherever he goes? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE GYM - EVENING] (Nathan looks around at the players, sadly.) HALEY: (v.o) I don't think you ever realise how much you love something- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDNACE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] HALEY: -till you have to give it up. (She sits there.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE GYM - EVENING] (Cut back to the gym where Lucas gets another basket.) BROOKE: (impressed) What is that boy on? HALEY: (worried) Or not on. MOUTH: (o.s) OK, time winding down on the fourth quarter. The Ravens need a basket. (Lucas bounces the ball into the wing.) MOUTH: (o.s) Lucas Scott drives into the wing, he puts a shot up and SCORES and the Ravens are down by one! (Shot of the scoreboard which now reads Ravens 74 and Visitor 75 with nine seconds left on the clock.) MOUTH: (v.o) Nine seconds left in the game. (Whitey calls the team in, clapping. The players gather around him.) WHITEY: Move, move, move, move! Alright, now I want you guys to take a good look around you. Take a good hard look. Because once in a while, you have to ask yourself how you got to this place. O for 2; playing in this place... (scowls) crummy, sweat-box of a gym(!) (pause) Well, I'll tell you how you got there - you got there by playing selfishly and losing. (Lucas looks down and nods.) WHITEY: But, for the next nine seconds, if you change the first thing, you'll change the second. (holds his fist out) Alright, let's go. (The rest of the team follow suit.) WHITEY: One, two, three. THE TEAM: RAVENS! (The whistle sounds. Nathan turns his head and sees his father looking at him. Dan's frowning at him.) COUNSELOR: (v.o) Did your father go to Duke? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] (Nathan thinks.) NATHAN: No. (pause) But I'm better than him. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE GYM - EVENING] (Nathan looks away from his father and turns to his brother.) NATHAN: Lucas! (Lucas stops and looks at him. He runs back.) NATHAN: The dead-spot. (Lucas leans in closer) Fleming has no left. (pause) Alright? He'll go to his right. So if you force him into the dead-spot, you'll be able to pick his pocket. (Lucas smiles and pats his brother on the shoulder before running back onto the court. Nathan looks at Whitey. Whitey looks and him and smiles before turning his head away, his smile growing more proud and fond. Dan's having trouble figuring out what's going on.) (Cut to a close-up of the clock on the scoreboard as it counts down. The opposing team has the advantage. The Ravens wait in a nervous huddle as Lucas blocks the opponent.) (The shot cuts to slow motion as Lucas forces the other member into the dead spot. The opposing player shoulders him but Lucas stays his ground. The other player turns with the ball.) (Lucas grabs the ball easily and runs the opposite way with it. Nathan holds his arms up in triumph and stands with the crowd.) (Close-up of the clock as it counts down from 5 to 4.) (Lucas runs with the ball. Dan watches him.) (The clock counts down from 3 to 2. Brooke waits in anticipation as Lucas jumps and puts the ball through the hoop as the count down ends and the buzzer sounds. The cheerleaders jump up ecstatically. The crowd jumps up ecstatically and a kid drops popcorn everywhere. Karen and Keith scream delightedly and look at each other.) (Cut to a shot from under the hoop. Lucas drops back to the floor.) LUCAS: (v.o) I never would have joined the basketball team if it wasn't for my uncle Keith. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] (Lucas looks off to the side, contemplating.) LUCAS: You know, he wanted me to be a part of something. (pause) To feel like I belonged. (He looks at the counselor soberly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE GYM - EVENING] (The cheerleaders are still screaming. Whitey is yelling, red-faced with delight. Mouth takes his headset off and hugs Gigi. Lucas is hoisted up onto the shoulders of him team-mates.) (Dan can only watch, wishing it were Nathan up there. He looks over at Nathan who's clapping. Nathan spares an uncaring look at Dan before walking to his players. Lucas holds his arm up.) COUNSELOR: (v.o) It sounds like he really cares about you. (Cut to Karen and Keith who are hugging and kissing.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] (Lucas looks down and smiles fondly.) LUCAS: Yeah, he's like a father to me. (He looks up and smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE GYM - EVENING] (The team walk with Lucas still on their shoulders. The cheerleaders surround the players and the frame freezes.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE GYM - EVENING] (The players walk out of the changing rooms and onto the deserted court. They have changed into their normal clothes. Lucas walks out as Brooke rushes to him, occasionally jumping. She puts her arms around him and kisses him.) BROOKE: You keep playing like that and you might have a chance with the captain of the cheerleaders. LUCAS: (looks beyond her) Really? She say something? BROOKE: Yeah, she said this: (kisses him again) (He puts his arm around her shoulders and they walk together.) BROOKE: Comin' over tonight? LUCAS: I don't know; I... I'm gonna have dinner with Keith and my mom. BROOKE: So,... how bout after that? I mean, you don't wanna hang around and be a third wheel if they wanna get freaky. (Lucas cringes and groans.) LUCAS: Oh! That's my mom. Not a visual I wanna have in my head. BROOKE: Then, so, how bout you come over... and I'll give you a better one. LUCAS: Oh yeah? BROOKE: Yeah. (They kiss.) BROOKE: Have fun with your family. (Lucas laughs as she bounces away again.) (Shot of Haley who's been watching them from a distance. Nathan exits last and sees her. He walks to her.) NATHAN: You OK? HALEY: (smiles distractedly) Yeah. (looks back at Lucas) Just worried about Lucas. (laughs to herself) (Lucas is being patted and congratulated by a fellow player as he's about to exit.) HALEY: Sorry you didn't get to play today. I know you wanted to impress that scout. NATHAN: (grinning) Why? You don't think he was impressed with my, uh, bench-sitting skills? (Haley laughs and Nathan sighs.) NATHAN: Haley, I'm sorry. (pause) I wish I had an answer for all this school stuff. It's just,... if I tell you not to go to Stanford, I'm telling you not to follow your dreams, again. If I tell you to go, I'm saying I don't wanna be with you. (pause) So whaddaya want me to say? HALEY: ... Say you love me? NATHAN: (smiling) Of course I love you. (puts a hand on her shoulder) DAVID SHAY: (o.s) Scott? (Nathan and Haley look sideways as David Shay approaches Lucas.) DAVID SHAY: (holds out a hand) Dave Shay. (Lucas shakes his hand.) DAVID SHAY: You played a great game today. (Haley's watching them but Nathan's watching her. He can't watch that scene.) LUCAS: (o.s) Uh, thanks, I, uh,... (sighs) had a lot of help. (Nathan smiles tightly and studies his shoes. Lucas looks over at Nathan.) LUCAS: ... You know, you should meet my brother, (points) though. Um,... hey, Nathan! (Nathan looks over and Haley looks at Nathan, grinning. She silently urges him to go. They smile as Nathan complies. Haley watches him proudly.) NATHAN: Hey, how're you doing? (shakes David Shay's hand) DAVID SHAY: Alright. Good to meet you. (Lucas and Nathan stand together.) NATHAN: Pretty great game, huh? DAVID SHAY: Fantastic. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] BROOKE: (looking directly at the camera) The truth is, I don't really like to think about college. (pause) Coz that means high school's over. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE GYM - EVENING] (Brooke's hugging herself and she walks out, alone. She watches Lucas, Karen and Keith getting into the car.) BROOKE: (v.o) After graduation, everyone will probably go play basketball. (pause) Or sing or start record labels,- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] BROOKE: -and I'll have to start all over. (pause) Alone. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE GYM - EVENING] (Brooke smiles to herself and walks to her car. The shot rises until she is seen through a birds eye view.) BROOKE: (v.o) I'm sure I'll be fine. (There's a partial fade where Brooke is visible walking alone but also sitting in the guidance counselor's office.) BROOKE: But like I said, I don't like to think about it. (The shot of her walking pauses first. There's a beat before the other shot freezes too.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - DINING AREA - EVENING] (Karen and Keith are sitting at the table. Lucas walks over with another plate full of dessert. He hands them out.) LUCAS: (v.o) At the end of the day, I just... wanna be with my family and friends. I just wanna play basketball and- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] LUCAS: -I wanna go to college. (pause) (grins) That's... not too much to ask, is it? (The shot pauses.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] NATHAN: It's just hard because... the game's the only thing that ever mattered to me... until Haley came along. (The shot pauses.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - WHITEY'S OFFICE - EVENING] (Whitey is seen at his desk through his window. He has his glasses on and is reading. Nathan walks in.) NATHAN: Coach? (Whitey looks up.) NATHAN: I wanted to talk to you about not playing me tonight. (Whitey scowls, opens a drawer and discreetly put the glass of alcohol inside.) WHITEY: I'm not having this conversation again. (shuts the drawer) NATHAN: (nods) It was the right thing to do. (Whitey takes his glasses off and throws them onto the desk.) WHITEY: Well, that was a good tip you gave to Lucas. (pause) It may have won us the game. (Nathan smiles and looks down.) WHITEY: Tonight, you put the team ahead of yourself. (proud) That's what a true leader does. (pointedly) And that's something your father never learned. (Nathan nods.) WHITEY: Now don't worry about that scout. (pause) I'll see he comes back. You'll get your shot. NATHAN: (smiles) Thanks Coach, but, uh,... I was hoping maybe... you could call somebody at Stanford. (Whitey waits a beat before laughing.) WHITEY: Alright, I'll make a call. (nods) (Nathan smiles gratefully. The shot freezes.) HALEY: (v.o) It's just hard- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] HALEY: -because before I was married, I thought Stanford was my future. (Close-up of Haley writing down a list for pros and cons for Duke and Stanford. Under Duke, her pro is 'Nathan'. Under Stanford, her con is 'No Nathan'.) HALEY: But all those different faces I remember; all those different people, (pause) none of them are Nathan. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS SCOTT APARTMENT - BROOKE AND HALEY'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Haley is sitting up in bed, writing down her list. She looks down seriously as she thinks.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Peyton walks into the room, looking around. Ellie is sitting at the dining table.) ELLIE: Hey! PEYTON: Hi. ELLIE: How was the game? (Peyton leans on the doorframe and shrugs.) PEYTON: (smiles) Yeah, it was OK. ELLIE: (smiling with red eyes) Was it exciting watching the Ravens get their first win? (Peyton looks at her mutely.) ELLIE: (nods sadly) I was there. (Ellie is obviously upset.) PEYTON: Well, why didn't you come say hi? ELLIE: Oh, I just wanted to watch you do your thing. (Peyton looks away, embarrassed.) ELLIE: You were great! PEYTON: Yeah, I can go pom to pom with the cheeriest. (smiles) ELLIE: I'm serious, Peyton. You're smart, you're funny, you're beautiful and what I can see, there's nothing that you're not good at. PEYTON: (scowls) You want something? ELLIE: Except talking compliments, apparently. (Peyton laughs and looks down.) PEYTON: No, I'm sorry, I just... I'm not used to it. (Peyton walks forward and pulls a chair out.) ELLIE: As I watched you tonight, I thought to myself: (pause) 'this girl has so much to offer the world. (pause) If only she could see it'. (Peyton looks at her worriedly. It's painfully obvious that Ellie's been crying.) PEYTON: (lightly) You sure you're OK? ELLIE: Yeah, I'm fine. I, um,... I came up with a possible album title and took a shot at the cover art. (She passes the sketchpad over. Peyton takes it and looks at it. It's a sketch of a dark background with Peyton dressed as the angel of death, holding pom-poms and with 2 pigtails. She's sitting on the floor. There's a tattoo of the breast cancer ribbon on her right arm. Her flaming red heart is at the top left of the sketch and the title reads 'Friends with Benefit'.) ELLIE: (smiles sadly) Whaddaya think? PEYTON: (awed) Friends with Benefit. (nods) (looks up) I love it. (She laughs as the camera pans down.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH - GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY] (Peyton looks down and smiles.) PEYTON: So, I think I wanna study art and music... and maybe business. (pause) Any suggestions? (The shot freezes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - FRONT DOOR - EVENING] (Karen, Lucas and Keith can be seen through the door. Keith looks out of the window briefly. The shot slowly zooms out as they eat. Keith excuses himself.) (Someone walks past the door. Cut to Dan sitting in his car, watching the scene. He looks away and then back again. A shoulder appears on his side of the car, just outside of his window. Keith taps on the window.) (Dan looks at him a beat before lowering the window. Keith isn't smiling.) KEITH: I hope you got your pants on. (Dan doesn't say anything. It's pouring outside and Keith ignores it as he sighs.) KEITH: Go home, Danny. (pause) This isn't you life. (Dan looks away and starts the car.)
Plan: A: the school counselor; Q: Who do the students meet with to plan for the future? A: Nathan; Q: Which student and Haley want to attend college across the country from each other? A: colleges; Q: What do Nathan and Haley decide to attend across the country from one another? A: Brooke; Q: Who discovers Rachel's reasons for submitting her designs to Rogue Vogue? A: Meanwhile, Ellie and Peyton bond; Q: What happens as Ellie and Peyton finish the benefit album? A: Otis Redding; Q: Whose song is the episode named after? Summary: As the students meet with the school counselor to plan for the future, Nathan and Haley realize they want to attend colleges across the country from one another. Brooke discovers Rachel's reasons for submitting her designs to Rogue Vogue. Meanwhile, Ellie and Peyton bond as they finish the benefit album. This episode is named after a song by Otis Redding .
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. RESERVOIR (STOCK) - DAY] VARIOUS CUTS OF: (A woman turns on the kitchen tap. Clear, fresh water pours into the glass. The woman takes a pill and drinks it down with the water.) CLOSE-UP (A toilet flushes. The water spins down the bowl.) SHOWER HEAD (A woman takes a bath. The water runs down her body.) [EXT. RESIDENTIAL AREA - DAY] (A man waters his bushes.) (Another man washes his boat.) (The water runs down the drain.) CGI ZOOM down through the sewers, following the water through the various treatment pipes. RESUME (The water rushes out the drainpipe.) PULL BACK and DOWN into the murky waters. A fish swims by. The fish is pulled out of the water by a fisherman's net. (The fisherman in the boat puts his net down and sees the body dangling from the tree off shore.) FLASH TO: [EXT. LAKE - DAY] (David Phillips tends to the body. Grissom and Nick are at the site while Brass fills them in.) Brass: Guy in a boat spotted him this morning. No witnesses. Nick: How did he get up there? (Grissom snaps a photo of the tire tracks on the dirt.) Grissom: I think maybe somebody gave him a lift. (Nick takes his knife out.) Nick: Okay, super, I'm ready to cut. (David Phillips holds the body as Nick cuts the rope. The body is put on the gurney. David examines the body.) Grissom: Lacerations to his chest. Brass: Stabbed and then hanged. I guess he wasn't dead enough. David Phillips: Rope burns on both palms. Nick: He probably tried to pull himself up. Grissom: Lift his shirt up, will you, David? (David lifts the shirt and sees the victim's breasts.) David Phillips: Whoa! I ... thought this ... guy was a guy. Grissom: Check the plumping. David Phillips: Full male genitalia. Nick: Mutilated tranny strung up in a tree. (Quick flash to: Some men hang up the victim as he cries and struggles.) Man: Go! Go! Go! Go! (They drive away, leaving the victim hanging from the tree.) (End flash.) Nick: Bet I know how he got up there. Grissom: Hate? FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAKE -- DAY] (Nick removes the tire print cast off the ground. He sets it aside and stands up to look around the area. He puts evidence marker #2 on the ground near some blood.) (He puts evidence marker #3 on the ground near more blood. He puts evidence marker #4 near a pair of shoes. Nick picks up the cell phone left inside the shoe. He checks it and sees the message: INBOX PCYDEN: I NEED IT TONIGHT (He scrolls back.) INBOX: TO PCYDEN: CAN YOU GIVE ME MORE MONEY THIS TIME? PCYDEN: OKAY. (Nick puts the cell phone down. He continues looking around. He puts evidence marker #5 down near a couple of empty alcoholic bottles on the sand. Nick picks up a broken bottle and looks at the sharp glass edge.) (Quick flash to: Someone breaks the glass bottle against the rock and slashes Brian Towne in the chest.) END FLASH [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY] (Robbins pulls out a small piece of glass from the laceration.) Robbins: Lacerations aren't deep enough to have killed him. Ligature furrows canted upward. Scratches ... consistent with struggling to get free. (Grissom picks up the rope and looks at it.) Robbins: Preliminary COD's suffocation from hanging. (Grissom looks at the driver's license.) TOWNE, BRIAN 6487 HILLIS STREET VERDANT GLEN, NV 89110 EXPIRES: 4-13-2008 WEIGHT 140 EYES GRN HAIR BRN Grissom: Eighteen years old. (Robbins snaps photos.) Grissom: Brian Towne. Lived in Verdant Glen. Robbins: Hmm. Twenty years ago, my wife wanted to buy out there, but there was no 215 freeway back then. The commute would've killed me. No physical signs of Klinefelter syndrome. Grissom: So he's not an XXY. Robbins: No, he's all skin and muscle. These can't be fatty deposits ... this is glandular tissue. His mammaries are swollen. Grissom: Gynecomastia. Pre-op transsexuals take a lot of estrogen. Robbins: I'll run an expanded tox panel, send out for a hormone screen. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] (The block where the Rampart Casino once stood is now a construction area.) [EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE -- DAY] (The SIGN reads: COMING SOON SPRING 2008 ECLIPSE HOTEL & CASINO (Catherine and her mother, Lily Flynn, stand near the sign as they watch the construction going on in front of them.) Lily: It wasn't easy being a Copa girl. When the curtain came down, we had to stay and decorate the Sands Casino into the wee hours. Catherine: Ugly guys do gamble more when there's pretty girls to look at. Lily: They weren't all ugly. And your father, in that tuxedo ... giving me the eye, trying not to grin, 'cause he thought floor managers had to be tough. Catherine: So, Mom, who made the first move? Lily: Sam. (She holds a chip.) Stuck this five-dollar chip in my hand and said, "Take it, you can't miss." I shot craps all night with Peter Lawford and cleaned up. I was right here the day Sam opened the Rampart, his first casino. INSERT: FLASHBACK (A young Sam cuts the tape.) Lily: (V.O.) And we were going to be right here again when he opened the Eclipse. (Sam turns and hugs Lily.) END FLASHBACK. Lily: I know you wanted to be buried with this, but I just couldn't let go. I can now. They're going to build your dream on it, honey. (She kisses the chip.) Lily: Take it. (whispers) You can't miss. (She tosses the chip into the construction pit. The chip hits the sand.) FLASH TO: [EXT. RAMPART - NIGHT] (The lights of the RAMPART Hotel and Casino flash in the night.) INSERT: VARIOUS FLASHES OF SAM (Lily wipes the lipstick off Sam's lips.) (Sam walks with his arm around Catherine.) (Cut to: Sam turns around.) (Catherine waves to him.) (Sam and Catherine) (Sam dabs Lily's mouth with the edge of his napkin.) (A gun fires. Someone shoots Sam. He falls backward. Catherine breaks his fall.) (The RAMPART explodes and falls as the observers cheer.) END FLASHBACKS. [EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE -- DAY] (A couple of police cars arrive at the bottom of the pit. Their sirens wail as they arrive. Catherine and Lily stand on top near the sign as they watch.) (Catherine goes down to find out what's going on.) (The foreman talks with his worker.) Foreman: I don't care if it's Jimmy Louise Hoffa. I want you to grab that jackhammer and bust up this concrete. (Catherine shows the officer nearby her ID.) Catherine: Supervisor Willows from Crime Lab. What's going on here? Officer: Worker found a body. Worker: I'm just following protocol. You find a body, call you guys. (Catherine looks at the hand sticking out of the ground.) Foreman: How do you know this is one of the Marquis Chimps? Catherine: 'Cause they played the Frontier in Ronald Reagan's act. And only humans have a saddle joint. In fact, that's how we were able to swing out of trees and end up here. Opposable thumbs. Foreman: Well, these casinos weren't built by saints, you know. (Catherine takes her phone out.) Catherine: Oh, I know. My dad built this one. (She makes the call.) Man: (on phone) Crime Lab. Catherine: (to phone) Yeah, this is CSI Willows. I need to hand a case off to swing. Conflict of interest. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAKE (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. TOWNE RESIDENCE - BRIAN'S BEDROOM -- DAY] (Warrick snaps photos in the bedroom. He closes the dresser drawer. He turns and opens the bedside table driver and finds a half-empty tray of bullets.) (He looks at one of the bullets.) (Warrick pulls the pillows off the bed as he looks for the gun. He checks under the mattress and finds a box. Inside the box, he finds the VERDANT GLEN WATER TREATMENT PLANT, the ANNUAL WATER ANALYSIS 2007 MEMO. The report is signed by JONAH QUINN, General Manager.) (He puts the report aside. Also inside the box, he finds a tray with vials of water samples.) (Warrick finds a second box under the bed filled with cash. He snaps a photo of it. Warrick counts the money.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TOWNE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN -- DAY] (Brian's mother, Lynn Towne, takes a glass out of the cupboard. She talks with Brass.) Lynn Towne: I want to know who did this. Brass: Well, that's what we're trying to find out. (She fills her glass with water from the tap and drinks.) Brass: Mrs. Towne, it would be of help if you could tell me a little bit more about your son Brian. Lynn Towne: He was kind ... and sweet and ... didn't have an enemy in the world. Brass: What about friends? Lynn Towne: Not really. He was always so busy putting in overtime down at the ... water treatment plant. He loved to take long runs. Exercise is a natural cure for depression. Brass: Was he depressed? I mean, there's a lot of medications here. Are these Brian's? Lynn Towne: No. These are all mine. I had a mastectomy eight years ago. Cancer came back three months ago. Brass: Oh. I'm... I'm sorry to hear that. Lynn Towne: I never thought I'd outlive my son. Is there anything else? Brass: Did you know a person with the last name Cyden? C-Y-D-E-N? Lynn Towne: Paul Cyden. He's a family friend; he lives a couple blocks over. Brass: So Brian knew him, too? Lynn Towne: Oh, he was like a father to Brian after my husband died. (Warrick enters the kitchen.) Lynn Towne: Why are you asking about Paul? Warrick: Ma'am, your son had a good deal of cash stashed away in his bedroom. Was he saving up for something? Lynn Towne: I don't know. (Warrick and Brass exchange looks.) What's going on here? Brass: Mrs. Towne, we think Brian was saving up for a s*x change operation. Were you aware of this? Lynn Towne: My son was not a freak. Brass: No, I didn't say that. Warrick: Ma'am, we're not trying to upset you in any way. Lynn Towne: (upset) I volunteered to let you in my house! And now I want you to leave. I want you to leave right now! [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE -- DAY] (Sara and Ronnie work on excavating the body while the construction workers continue working at other areas of the site. Ronnie puts the large stones aside.) Ronnie Lake: In college, I wanted to be an archeologist, until I did a summer on a dig in Tunisia. Hot. But that got me into forensics. What made you pick Vegas? Sara: Well, it.. uh.. it kind of picked me. (Sara snaps some photos.) (The foreman stands on the side and watches them. Ronnie uncovers a piece of jewelry.) Ronnie Lake: Hey, check this out. (Sara snaps a photo. Ronnie picks it up.) Ronnie Lake: Turquoise and silver beads. I got the matching necklace at the Indian market in Santa Fe. Sara: (shouts) Everybody stop! (Ronnie is surprised.) Stop what you're doing! Foreman: What is the problem now? Sara: We have just found evidence that this might be a Native American burial site. We have to notify the Inter-Tribal Council. Until they say so, nobody touches anything. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Grissom turns the corner. Henry catches him.) Henry: Hey, Grissom. About your hanging victim. The one with the "chesticals." (jokes) The man boobs ... uh, the ... (sees Grissom's serious look) ... gynecomastia, sorry. (Henry gives him the report.) Henry: Quant hormone report. Androgen's low. Estradiol's high. It's 250 picograms per milliliter. Arogester one, too. Grissom: Estrogen level is five times the normal amount for an adult male. Henry: It's consistent with a pre-op transsexual. Grissom: Yeah, but there's no other pre-op drugs in his system. No spironolactone, no flutamide, progesterone. Henry: Maybe he's a "do-it-yourselfer." (Grissom looks at Henry.) Henry: Okay. (Henry turns and leaves. Grissom continues down the hallway.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAKE -- DAY] (Paul Cyden puts his cooler in the boat. His phone rings. He answers it.) Paul Cyden: (to phone) Hello? Brass: (from phone) Paul Cyden? Paul Cyden: (to phone) This is he. (Brass hangs up as he and Catherine walk on the dock toward Cyden. He sees them.) Brass: Paul Cyden. I'm Detective Jim Brass, this is Catherine Willows, from the Crime Lab. I'd like to ask you a couple questions about Brian Towne. Paul Cyden: What a great kid. I can't believe he's gone. Brass: When was the last time you talked with him? Paul Cyden: Oh ... uh ... honestly, I don't remember. Catherine: Oh, you don't remember yesterday? Calling him? Texting him? Paul Cyden: Brian occasionally does odd jobs for me. Catherine: How odd? Paul Cyden: I ... uh ... study water. I'm a hydrologist, retired, but I still do consulting. Brian was helping me with a project. Brass: Well, it seems to me, according to your messages, Brian was the project. Paul Cyden: You're way off base. Catherine: Then you won't mind giving us your fingerprints and DNA? Paul Cyden: Not if you have a court order. (Brass's phone rings.) Brass: Look, you can do this the hard way or the easy way. But trust me, we're going to get this done. (Brass answers his phone.) Brass: (to phone) Yeah, what's up, Doc? INTERCUT WITH: [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY] (Robbins is on the phone.) Robbins: (to phone) Yeah, Brian Towne's mother is here. She wants to see the body. Brass: (to phone) Okay. If anything of interest pops up, why don't you text me? Robbins: (from phone) All right. (Brass hangs up.) [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY] (Robbins opens the morgue cabinet for Lynn Towne. She looks at her son and touches his hair.) Lynn Towne: He needed a haircut. (She starts to lift up the sheet and she stops.) (She cries.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- DAY] (Wendy is working on the two beer bottles found at the lake. Nick appears in the doorway and looks inside. He lingers. As the computer trills, Wendy turns and looks at him. Nick's back is to the door as he waits for the results.) Wendy: Are you lurking around here for results? Nick: No. No, no. I wouldn't do that. I was just ... uh... I was getting a cup of coffee. Wendy: Actually. You can come in. (Nick walks in.) Nick: Why, do you got something? Wendy: I do. I got a two-fer. I got epithelials from the rope from multiple contributors, and one of them ... drank from the bloody beer bottle. (She pulls up the ID results.) Nick: Larry Ludwig. Convicted of aggravated assault and DUI. Bring up his parole record. Wendy: Okay. (The record appears on screen.) Nick: There you go. He works at the same water treatment plant as my victim. Wendy: Thought you were getting coffee. (Nick looks at his cup.) Nick: Right. (He picks up his cup and heads out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. VERDENT GLEN WATER TREATMENT PLANT - NIGHT] (Larry Ludwig walks up to Warrick and Nick.) Larry Ludwig: You sure you fellas don't want masks? The smell in here makes some people puke. Warrick: Mr. Ludwig, can we see your palms, please? Larry Ludwig: What, you gonna tell me my future or something? Warrick: Depends on what I see. Larry Ludwig: I don't think so. (The manager, Jonah Quinn, joins them.) Jonah Quinn: Gentlemen? Larry Ludwig: Hey, I was just getting back to work, Mr. Quinn. Jonah Quinn: Jonah Quinn. General Manager. Warrick: I'm Warrick Brown. Nick: And I'm Nick Stokes, we're with the Vegas Crime Lab. We're here investigating the death of one of your employees, Brian Towne. Larry Ludwig: I told them I had nothing to say, sir. Jonah Quinn: You have my permission to question and search any of my employees. Larry Ludwig: They don't have warrant, Mr. Quinn. They're just... they're just fishing around, sir. Anybody who doesn't want to cooperate with the police in trying to find out who killed Brian - (shouts back to everyone else watching and listening to them) -- can clean out their lockers and search for another job! (quietly to Larry) Weren't they asking you a question? (Larry nods.) Nick: Go ahead and take off your gloves. Show us your palms. (Larry takes his gloves off and shows them the marks on the palms of his hands.) Warrick: Well, now, they look like rope burns. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (Robbins and Sara talk over the bones.) Robbins: Did you know that there's a Paiute reservation in the heart of Las Vegas? It's only an acre, but it's right up on North Main. Sara: Do you think that we found the bones of one of their ancestors? Robbins: Well, the fusing of the plates and shape of the skull indicate a 30-year-old of the Mongoloid race. Sara: Which does include Native Americans. Robbins: And Southeast Asians, Pacific Islanders. But take a look at the teeth. (Sara looks at the teeth under the light.) Sara: I don't see any dental work. Robbins: But there are caries. Sara: Cavities. Robbins: Right. Teeth from ancient tribal graves usually have distinctive wear marks ... uh ... grooves from pipe-smoking, rope-making -- but no cavities. You look disappointed. Sara: I was ... hoping, just once, Vegas would have to honor its past. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (Nick and Warrick talk with Larry Ludwig. Larry fidgets with his ring.) Nick: These tire treads were under a tree where Brian's body was found. (Nick puts the photos on the table.) They're from a Chevy Colorado. Isn't that what you drive? Larry Ludwig: Yeah. Warrick: You're putting a nice polish on that wedding band. Larry Ludwig: Hey, this is between us, right? Nick: Yeah, absolutely. Warrick: Oh, yeah. Larry Ludwig: All right... I did see Brian last night. Me and my buddy, we started out at a bar, threw a few back, you know, met some ladies. And the hot one, she said, "Let's go swimming." (Quick flashback to: Larry drives his truck over to the lake with his friend and the girls in the back.) (Brian sits on the bank with his beer. They join him.) Larry Ludwig: Brian. What's shaking? Brian Towne: Not much. (Brian shares his beer.) Brian Towne: Anybody want one? Larry Ludwig: Yes, please. END FLASHBACK. Larry Ludwig: So the girls, they wanted to play Tarzan. So I pull my pickup truck underneath the tree, I grabbed a rope out of my utility box, and we all started stripping down and everything ... (Quick flashback to: The girls grab the rope and swing into the lake.) Girls: Whoo! Come on, it's fun! (Brian grabs the rope and swings into the lake. He stands up and the girls laugh when they see his breasts through his t-shirt.) Girls: Oh, my God. Brian Towne: What? (He tries to cover himself and the guys see it too and they start laughing as well.) END FLASHBACK. Larry Ludwig: I mean, the guy had boobs, man. I mean, you could see 'em right through the t-shirt. (He starts to laugh, but stops when he sees Nick and Warrick both don't find it amusing at all.) Larry Ludwig: I mean, we were all kind of cracking up about it, but ... um ... uh ... it kind of broke the party up a little bit. Nick: No, you kind of broke up the party, man, when you cut him up with a beer bottle and you hanged him in a tree. Larry Ludwig: Hey, man, I mean ... he ran off and we left. All right, I-I-I don't know what else I can tell you. I mean, you can ask Tony -- he works with me, too. Warrick: Where did you go? Larry Ludwig: I went to the ... I went to a motel with one of, one of the girls. Warrick: These girls have names? Larry Ludwig: Yeah, mine was ... uh ... she was named after some city in Texas. I don't know, like ... uh ... Dallas or Houston or something like that. The other one, she really wasn't that hot, so I don't know what her name was. (Warrick stands up.) Warrick: You better hope we find these girls. Nick: We better not find any of Brian's blood in your flatbed. (Nick also stands up. He and Warrick leave the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM -- NIGHT] (Sara has the original Rampart plans spread out on the table as she works the layout of the construction site in proportion to the old hotel. Greg drifts into the room and looks at the plans. It hits him what he's looking at.) Greg: Wow! (excited) The original plans for the Rampart. Opening day, New Year's Eve, 1964. Half of the hotel tower was still under construction, but Sam decided to have the party anyway. He's got the Midas touch, and help from the boys in Kansas City. (Greg walks around Sara to look at the rest of the plans.) Greg: This is the ultimate. Sara: Don't you have work to do? Greg: Deal me in. Sara: Well ... the workers found the bones here ... (she points to her site layout) -- which corresponds to this area. (Sara points to the plans. As she talks, a CGI IMAGE of the hotel building rises up from the plans. In the visualization, a body falls from the top and hits the bottom.) END VISUALIZATION. Greg: Bottom of the construction shaft. Wonder if it's Gus "the Beauty" Finkel. Snitch, disappeared in '64. Sara: The skull shape is Mongoloid. Greg: Maybe it's Eddie Chang, the Peking Pimp. Caught Dean at the Sands, went out for eggs, never came back. Sara: Did the Peking Pimp ever wear anything like this on his arm? (She shows him the photo of the bracelet.) Greg: Nope. Just French cuffs and platinum blondes. (Sara starts to roll the plans up.) Greg: Careful with those. They're like the Dead Sea Scrolls of Las Vegas. Sara: I have to go back to the scene. Greg: I'm off the clock. You ... uh ... need a hand? (Sara smiles at him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE (STOCK) -- NIGHT] [EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE -- NIGHT] (Sara and Ronnie measure the length of the skeleton as Greg watches.) Ronnie Lake: 67.5 inches. Greg: (sighs):Not the Peking Pimp. He was only five-two. Sara: It looks like every bone in his body is broken. (Ronnie snaps photos of the skeleton.) Ronnie Lake: Check out the third vertebrosternal rib, left side. Isn't that a bullet hole? Sara: Exit wound. Good call. Document it. Greg: Nothing says "Mob hit" like shot in the chest, thrown down a construction shaft, and tucked in under a concrete blanket. Ronnie Lake: For real? My first Mob hit. Cool. Sara: You know, only the bones at the point of impact should be broken. Greg: Then the implosion must have busted up the rest of him. (Sara brushes away dirt from something she finds.) Sara: Hey, Ronnie? Will you take a picture of this for me, please? Ronnie Lake: Yeah. (She snaps a photo. Sara picks it up.) Sara: It looks like ... treated hide. Ronnie Lake: Buckskin. Maybe your ME was wrong. Sara: Well, only if the ancient tribes used sewing machines. The stitches are uniform. Greg: You know, the showroom had this Wild West Revue with cowboys, and horses, and rifles, a real stagecoach. And Indians who shot flaming arrows that ripped off the dance hall girls' clothes. It ran from the day the Rampart opened until (Sara stands up and looks at Greg.) Sara: An Indian playing an Indian? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. CYDEN RESIDENCE - FRONT -- DAY] (Catherine and the officer head for the front door.) Catherine: When I was growing up, there weren't any lakes in Vegas, just hotel swimming pools. (She knocks. There's no answer.) Catherine: I think Mr. Cyden might be dodging us. (She peeks in through the window.) Catherine: We've got a 419. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CYDEN RESIDENCE - FRONT -- DAY] Catherine takes photos of Paul Cyden's body on the floor.) Catherine: So you think that's a message or his dinner? Nick: Well, that's carp. Nobody really eats those. David Phillips: Body's in full rigor. Been dead at least ten hours. Appears to be ... one, two, three gunshot wounds to the torso. Catherine: Probably rules out suicide. David Phillips: No exit wounds. Nick: I don't see a gun or cartridge casings anywhere. He has some fairly dense gunshot residue patterns. Shooter was only a couple of feet away, practically face-to-face. Catherine: No signs of forced entry, no signs of struggle. Nick: I bet he knew his killer. Catherine: Maybe the same person who killed the tranny killed the boyfriend. (Catherine looks at the photos.) Catherine: Offer to buy his house dated... yesterday. Who tears up an offer in this tough market? "Purchaser: Jonah Quinn." Nick: That's Brian's boss. I met him. This notebook charts hormone levels. No names, just numbers. There's over 40 test subjects here. If this guy was running some kind of underground clinic here, then where are the drugs? (Catherine picks up one of the vials in the tray.) Catherine: These could be hormones. Nick: Warrick found vials like that in Brian's bedroom. Check that freezer. (Catherine opens the freezer.) Catherine: Carpe diem. Lots of them. Numbered and dated. Nick: Shoot me a number. Catherine: "R-41" (Nick checks the notebook.) Nick: "June 20, 2007." Catherine: Why would he be giving hormones to fish? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB -- DAY] (Hodges is looking through a scope when Sara walks in.) Sara: Hodges? Here's the problem ... Hodges: You know, that's just what Mom says when all I ask is to come home for Thanksgiving. Sara: My John Doe is from 1964. Hodges: Well, to quote Sherlock Sanders, "This town was built on dead bodies." Sara: The National Missing Persons Database only lists four persons in '64, none of which are a match. It might help if we knew where he was from. Hodges: Do I look like the Ghost Whisperer? Sara: Every geographic area has specific levels of oxygen isotopes due to rainfall, climate and vegetation. And you can identify those isotopes in bones. Hodges: You do know that those isotopes will only tell you where he spent the last three years or so of his life. (Sara slides the container with the bone sample inside.) Sara: I'll take it. It's more then we have now. Hodges: If this works, I write the paper for the Forensics Journal, sole credit. Sara: Deal. (Sara walks away. Hodges picks up the sample and looks at it.) Hodges: Me and my big mouth. VARIOUS CUTS OF HODGES PROCESSING THE SAMPLE INTERCUT WITH: [INT. CSI - GARAGE - DAY] (Greg is going through the large rock pieces around the skeleton.) (Hodges continues processing the sample.) (Greg puts the rock pieces together and makes a cast.) (Hodges looks up the areas on the computer map. He finds something interesting.) (Greg pries the rock pieces apart. Ronnie walks in.) Ronnie Lake: Sara told me to document the detritus, but I see you beat me to it. Greg: Oh, sorry, yeah, I kind of got carried away, but look at this-- it's the vic's right hand. He was holding on to something and when they poured the concrete on top of him, it made kind of a fossil. Ronnie Lake: Whatever it was, we must have collected it, right? It's definitely not a gun. Greg: No, you didn't find one of those. (They look through the items.) Ronnie Lake: Cigarette lighter? (They compare the two. It doesn't match.) Greg: No. (Greg finds it.) Greg: Hey. It's film. Uh, 35 millimeters used to come in a screw-top metal can like this. Whatever's on it must be important enough for Mr. Bones to hang on to it while taking a header. Later. (Greg leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (Archie looks at the film while Greg sits at the computer monitor.) Archie: Black and white Tri-X stock. It's pretty grainy. Photographers like it 'cause you can shoot fast. (Archie puts the film on the scanner.) Greg: It's like finding pictures of Lincoln at Ford's Theatre. (The film negatives appear on the monitor. They reverse the image.) Greg: The party was on the rooftop. Bring up that last shot on the roll. Archie: Hmm. (Archie enhances the image.) Archie: Let's see if we can take a better look at that. (He clears it up and it shows a ledger: TOTAL $58,720.00 STATE $ 2,771.00 FERGUS $ 1,900.00 Greg: Looks like the casino take on opening day. Everybody got a cut -- the feds, the state -- and something called Fergus. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. COVERED GREENERY AREA -- DAY] (Grissom is at the worktable. He's wearing coveralls and a beekeeper's mask. He picks up a smoker. Sara walks in. She's also wearing coveralls and a beekeeper's mask.) Grissom: Oh, I love it when you dress up. (Sara laughs) (Grissom carries the smoker over to the bees. Sara follows him.) Sara: Well, you know, whatever it takes to get some time with you. How's the study going? Any sign of Colony Collapse Disorder? Grissom: Nope, so far it's healthy. (He uses the smoker.) Sara: Nothing too healthy about smoking. (He puts the smoker aside.) Grissom: Well, the scent confuses the guard bees. They won't emit the pheromone that tells the colony there's an intruder. (He opens the box to show the frames and bees inside.) Sara: Don't worry, he's harmless. (Grissom takes out a frame.) Sara: Who's who? Grissom: These are the workers -- infertile females. Sara: They don't sting? Grissom: No, not unless you swat one, or close one up in your hand, or freak out. Go ahead, take off your glove. Sara: Eh... all right, I trust you. (Sara takes her glove off. A bee lands on her hand.) Grissom: See? It's cool. (Sara smiles and watches a bee walk along the back of her hand.) Grissom: The worker bees defend the hive, procure the pollen, make the honey, nurture the larvae and pupae in each of these brood cells. (Sara watches the bee on her hand. Grissom watches Sara.) Grissom: You know, maybe we should get married. (Surprised, Sara looks at Grissom. He looks at her.) Sara: Ouch! (She turns her hand over to show the swelling on the palm of her hand.) Sara: Oh, oh ... Ow. Grissom: I'm sorry. Sara: Ow. (Grissom picks up the smoker and uses it.) (Sara laughs.) Grissom: No, no, don't, don't, don't pick it out. Makes it worse, releases the venom into the bloodstream. It's better to scrape it. (Grissom takes out his pocketknife and starts scraping the sting from Sara's hand. He works intently. Sara watches him.) Grissom: So, uh... what do you think, you know, about... Sara: Yes. Let's do it. Grissom: Yeah? (They lean forward to kiss - and their masks bump.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Hodges finds Sara walking through the hallway.) Hodges: Hi, Sara. You look like you're having a good day. Sara: Thanks. Hodges: Got your isotope results. (She looks at the results.) Sara: My John Doe lived in Southeast Asia? Hodges: Yeah ... uh ... more specifically, southern Vietnam. Like I said, this test only dates back to the last three years of his life. Sara: In '64 ... soldier? Consultant, refugee? Thanks. Hmm. (Sara leaves.) Hodges: Let me know if you get an ID. It'd be a great touch for the article. (Hodges turns and heads back into his lab.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY] (Catherine pushes the cooler on a cart past the doorway to Grissom's office. She looks in and sees Grissom at his desk, daydreaming.) Catherine: Hey, what are you up to? (He looks at her.) Grissom: Nothing. Why? (Catherine looks at the cooler. Grissom stands up.) Grissom: What's in the cooler? (She opens it.) Catherine: Carp. Paul Cyden died holding one. He had a freezer full of them, some kind of an experiment. Grissom: Huh. (Grissom walks over.) Grissom: I can process those fish if you like. Catherine: Do I know how to turn you on or what? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAKROOM -- DAY] (Warrick is eating lunch when Nick walks in.) Nick: Hey. Heard you were looking for me. Warrick: Yeah, our friend Larry Ludwig -- he's sharp as a marble, but his alibi checked out. We found the motel and the girl. Nick: Really? (Nick sits down and sighs.) Nick: What's her name? Warrick: (amused) Tucson. Nick: Ah, yes. Tucson, the capital of Texas. (They both chuckle.) Nick: Well, Paul Cyden's DNA and fingerprints finally arrived. Warrick: Well, I'll run it, but I don't think it'll matter. I think Brian killed himself. Nick: You think he just climbed that big ol' tree all by himself? Warrick: Yeah. Nick: Okay, yeah. What about the mutilation? Warrick: Self-inflicted. It took a while, but Mandy was able to recover some prints from the beer bottle, but it came back to Brian. (Quick flashback: Using the broken bottle, Brian uses the sharp edges to try and cut his breasts out.) (He looks up at the rope hanging from the tree. He climbs up and puts the rope around his neck. He jumps off the branch.) (End flashback.) Nick: So this was a hate crime. Warrick: Yeah. He hated himself. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY] (Grissom is working on the carp when Hodges walks in and looks over his shoulders.) Grissom: Yes? Hodges: Oh, sorry, just a bad habit from ... um ... when we worked the Miniature case together. Grissom: That was fun, wasn't it? Hodges: I thought so. (Grissom points to the carp.) Grissom: What do you see? Hodges: Well, those are eggs-- it's a girl. (Grissom opens up the fish.) Hodges: And those white organs would be gonads. Male and female parts. Simultaneous hermaphroditism? Stop me if you already know this, but some fish do change s*x naturally. Grissom: Not carp. Hodges: I heard of a study when I was attending a forensics consortium in DC. Feminized male bass were found in the wastewater effluent of the Potomac River. (Grissom's eyes widen. He turns and picks up a vial of water from the tray.) Grissom: It's the water. Hodges: Yeah, it was full of excreted pharmaceuticals and what they called "personal care products," all of which supposedly altered the endocrine system of the fish and their young. Grissom: Good, Hodges. Well, now that we're working together again ... (Grissom opens the cooler and takes a carp out. He puts it on Hodges' outstretched hand.) Grissom: ... take at least two organ samples along with blood. Send them with these water samples to our clinical lab for hormone quants. (Grissom puts the tray of water vials in Hodges' other hand. He leaves the room.) Hodges: You got it, partner. (Hodges is left holding the carp.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- BREAKROOM -- DAY] (Greg talks with Lily Flynn. She points to a man in one of the photos.) Lily: Melvin Fergus. He was a gaming commissioner. "Honest Melvin." Greg: Well, it looks like Honest Melvin was on the take. Bribing a public official could cost you your gaming license. Maybe our dead guy found out about it and somebody found out about him finding out about it. Lily: Who was this dead guy? Greg: Some wisenheimer with extortion on the brain. Maybe a reporter. (Sara walks in.) Sara: Hi, Lily. Lily: Hi. Sara: Uh, Wendy ran that tooth. Pre-CODIS, but DNA confirms that our John Doe was Native American, so it was one Indian's burial ground. Lily: There was a reporter and I'm pretty sure he was an Indian. (pause) Lee George. He'd just come back from Vietnam for Life magazine and he was doing a piece on Vegas. Greg: Do you remember if he was at the party? Lily: Yeah, in this little Indian costume -- bracelets on his biceps, and boy, did he have biceps. Trust me. If anybody hurt him, it was Benny Dunbar, Sam's bodyguard. (She points to him in the picture.) That lump in his jacket ain't a heart full of love. INSERT: FLASHBACK (It's the grand opening of the Rampart. The ribbon is cut. The crowd cheers. Lee George snaps a photo along with the others. The party continues.) FLASH TO: (Lee George is in the back office looking through the ledger. He finds a torn piece of it and takes a photo of it. He immediately takes the film out of the camera and puts the film in the metal film container. He puts his camera back together.) (He hears a sound and picks up the camera to pretend to take a photo of the ledger. Benny Dunbar walks in.) Benny Dunbar: I'll take that camera, kemosabe. (Lee George tosses the camera at Benny Dunbar and runs out of the room.) FLASH TO: (Lee George is up in the unfinished areas of the hotel. He tries opening the door only to find it locked. He runs to the next door. Benny Dunbar turns the corner. He shoots Lee George in the back.) (He tosses Lee George off the building and down the shaft. He turns and leaves.) END FLASHBACK. Sara: Either Benny tossed him or he jumped. We'll never know. (Greg picks up his hat.) Greg: This is great stuff for my book. Sara: Your what? Greg: Oh, this little piece on Vegas history -- stories that didn't make the papers. Lily: Honey, if you need to know anything, just ask me. I was there. Greg: Well, how about if I take you to dinner tonight? A bottle and a bird. We'll talk about the Peking Pimp. (Greg and Lily leave the room arm-in-arm.) Lily: Eddie Chang. They shipped him home in pieces. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM -- DAY] (Grissom shows the Verdant Glen community and stream as he talks about the plant with Nick, Warrick and Catherine.) Grissom: Twenty years ago, Verdant Glen was far enough outside Vegas to get the right to use well water for drinking. They also got approval to remove waste water at a private plant. There, it was cleaned, creating "grey water," which was used for secondary purposes -- watering lawns, washing cars, everything but drinking. The treatment plant then stored excess grey water in the reservoir. Nick: Where they let the kids fish and swim. Grissom: It passed every water quality test. Catherine: And the carp from Paul Cyden's freezer had high levels of estrogen plus other prescription drugs. Grissom: Brian's level and tox panel correlate to the carp. Cyden was collecting water samples from the reservoir, the tap, and the treatment plant. Nick: Thanks to Brian. Grissom: According to Cyden's research, the hormone levels in the tap water are nearly equal to the water in the reservoir. Catherine: I thought they drink ground water. Grissom: They do. Cyden was convinced that the ground water was contaminated. Catherine: How? Grissom: He discovered that the reservoir was improperly lined, allowing the grey water to leech into the ground water. Nick: Well, if that's the case, then why didn't the other boys develop breasts? Grissom: There's a good chance that others have been affected, especially children who were born to women who were living there while they were pregnant. Catherine: Because the womb is the only place a human lives in fluid ... like a fish. Nick: That reservoir is supposed to be lined to prevent contamination. Grissom: Obviously, it's not. Or the lining's defective. Which is the decision I think Cyden had come to right before he was shot. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Nick and Brass talk with Jonah Quinn.) Jonah Quinn: You don't know where he got those samples. Cyden could have pulled them from raw sewage for all I know. And just for the record, that reservoir was built to code. You show me one complaint, one documented illness from that water. Nick: What about Brian Towne? Jonah Quinn: Listen ... it's a tragedy ... but his mother has breast cancer. You don't think it's that gene pool that might be polluted? Brass: Let me ask you something. Why did you offer to pay such a big price for Paul Cyden's house? Jonah Quinn: He's a nut. He was trying to sink me. His research was wrong, but perception is reality these days. I admit it. I was trying to buy him off. Would have been money well spent. Nick: But he turned you down. Is that why you shot him? Brass: I mean, with Brian gone, you're in the clear. Jonah Quinn: Look, I don't need a gun; I've got lawyers. And I would like to speak to them now. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB - DAY] (Catherine gives the bullet to Warrick.) Catherine: Here's the bullets pulled from Paul Cyden. Warrick: Thanks. (He looks at them under the magnifying glass.) Warrick: Well, all three are jacketed hollow points with a center post. Hydra- Shok. Only one company makes them--Federal. You know what? Cath, I found a box of this same ammo in Brian Towne's bedroom. Five bullets missing. (Catherine sits down and checks the computer to see if Brian Towne bought a gun. Warrick looks at the bullet under the scope.) Warrick: Got five lands and grooves, right-hand twist. Could've been fired from a Smith and Wesson, Ruger, or a Taurus. (Catherine comes up with a computer result.) Catherine: Brian bought a Ruger SP 101 revolver two weeks ago. Warrick: Damn. The mother had access to that gun and motive. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HOSPITAL (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. HOSPITAL] (Catherine talks with Lynn Towne.) Lynn Towne: I was too busy taking care of me ... to see what was wrong with him. The signs were there. Catherine: Mrs. Towne, don't blame yourself. You had a teenager who was depressed and not communicating and you push too hard and they pull away ... Lynn Towne: I should have pushed. If I had gone through his room before he died ... maybe then ... Catherine: Is that when you found his gun? Lynn Towne: I was trying to understand why. I went through his e-mails. Paul was taking him to LA. I trusted him, and all those years that he pretended to be our friend ... He killed my son. Catherine: Mrs. Towne ... he was trying to save your son, not hurt him. We found this letter on Paul's computer. You need to read it. (Catherine gives the letter to Lynn.) Paul Cyden: (V.O.) "I have decided to alert you to this grave matter prior to contacting the EPA. It is my professional conclusion that the water in this community contains unsafe levels of pharmaceutical contaminants, which have caused irreparable harm to wildlife and humans. One specific example is the case of Brian Towne. His endocrine system and physical body have been 'feminized' due to chronic ingestion of the water at Verdant Glen." Catherine: He was going to blow the whistle. I think that's what Paul was trying to explain to you when you went over to confront him. Lynn Towne: I worked two jobs to keep us in our house because ... because Brian loved it so much. And being there is what killed him. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- NIGHT] (Grissom and Catherine talk with ADA Kirkson.) Kirkson: The feds have already swooped in to investigate the water problem. Grissom: Do they plan to prosecute Jonah Quinn? Kirkson: They'll try, but Quinn isn't the only one involved. Verdant Glen is now owned by a conglomerate -- the Altimera World Group. They'll bring in experts to contradict the research, discredit witnesses. They'll say that there are chemicals in everything that we eat, touch, breathe. It'll be in litigation for years. Catherine: What about Brian's mother? Grissom: Are you going to prosecute her? Kirkson: Did you recover the murder weapon, find her prints in blood at Cyden's house, or get a signed confession? Catherine: Her son's gun plus motive -- that's not enough? Kirkson: She's a widow with breast cancer who lost her only kid. (Kirkson stands up.) Kirkson: No way I'd get her in front of a jury and ask them to convict. Nice work though. (She leaves.) Catherine: Lynn Towne goes free. Grissom: It's all out of our hands now. Catherine: That's not enough for me. If their lawyers can hog-tie the EPA for years, someone's got to go around them. They've got to take Brian's story and the research to the press. I mean, if ... if it's happened here, what's to say there aren't other Brians out there? Grissom: You can't give information about a case to the media. You'll get fired. Catherine: As a mother, maybe I don't care.
Plan: A: a tainted water supply; Q: What is the hanging death of a possibly hermaphroditic male connected to? A: the day crew; Q: Who investigates 40-year-old skeletal remains found at the site of a recently imploded casino? A: Grissom; Q: Who proposes to Sara? A: Greg; Q: Who reveals he is writing a book about the history of Las Vegas? Summary: The hanging death of a possibly hermaphroditic male is connected to a tainted water supply, while the day crew investigates 40-year-old skeletal remains found at the site of a recently imploded casino. Grissom proposes to Sara, and she accepts; Greg reveals he is writing a book about the history of Las Vegas.
HOSPITAL RYAN: Can we get some help over here?! MALE NURSE: He get hit with a baseball bat or something? RYAN: No, no. MALE NURSE: How long's he been unconscious? RYAN: I got him here as soon as I could. MALE NURSE: Do you know them? The guys who did this, do you know who they are? KEVIN: Got jumped. Didn't see them. Look, I'm okay. MALE NURSE: Come on, buddy. Glad you're alive, but we still got to check you out. Police will have some questions for you, too. RYAN: Yeah, okay. KEVIN: Meet me at my place tomorrow. This ain't over. MALE NURSE: Where's your friend? KEVIN: He's not my friend. GENERIC MARISSA'S ROOM MARISSA: Kait... Kaitlin? KAITLIN: Hey, sis. MARISSA: Hey. You just calling to say hi? KAITLIN: Totally. So how's your life? How's Ryan? What'd you do last night? Give me all the deets. MARISSA: Well, Ryan and I broke up and my prom date got with another girl. KAITLIN: Ah, really? That's great. Listen, I'm actually calling you to ask you a favor. MARISSA: What, your friend Megan needs another abortion? KAITLIN: I wish. But, um, actually, my school sent Mom a letter and I kind of need you to get it for me. MARISSA: And by "get," do you mean keep it from her? KAITLIN: Look, I'm totally all over this situation. I just need a little bit more time. MARISSA: Oh, Kaitlin... KAITLIN: Look, Marissa, I'm begging you. If you have one sisterly bone in your body, you will do this for me. Please? MARISSA: Fine, I'll see if it's there, but you have to promise to tell me why. KAITLIN: Oh, thank you. I love you. MARISSA: Okay, I love you... too. POOLHOUSE RYAN: Hi. THERESA: Hi, what are you doing? RYAN: Nothing much. How 'bout you? THERESA: Just got off the phone with the guy. RYAN: Oh. The, uh... work guy. How'd that go? THERESA: Oh, not well. It's kind of hard for a 28-year-old to understand prom. RYAN: I get that. You don't regret going, do you? THERESA: No, not at all. I had fun. And after you left, things got pretty interesting in the limo with Taylor and the dates... and I don't know what the Korean word for "threesome" is, but I'm pretty sure it was used. Ryan? RYAN: Yep. THERESA: That thing that you had to take care of last night... RYAN: It's taken care of. THERESA: Okay. Do you want to hang out today? RYAN: I have to do something this afternoon. I'm not sure how long it's gonna take. THERESA: Well, how about later for dinner? I could bring over takeout. RYAN: Yeah, that sounds good. THERESA: Okay. RYAN: Yeah, okay. SETH: Hey, man. Today's a good day for me, Ryan. I finally came clean, told the truth about not getting into Brown and things are great. Life is so much better when you're honest. You just mean what you say, you say what you mean. I feel like you. RYAN: Well, now that you're on a roll, you gonna tell Sandy and Kirsten about Brown, too? SETH: Yeah, I don't think so. I'm going to wait a little bit on that one. I think it'll go down a bit easier with an acceptance letter to RISD in my hand. RYAN: And what if they find out first? SETH: They won't. Things are finally going good between Summer and I. Can't this family have one weekend without a major crisis? SUMMER'S ROOM MARISSA: Hey, Summ. How are you? SUMMER: I wish I could pluck out my eyeballs with a fork and rinse them in a tall glass of ice water. MARISSA: Yeah, that's a hangover. You were pretty wasted last night. SUMMER: I was, wasn't I? I don't even remember getting home. I woke up this morning and my ears were ringing and I realized it was your phone. MARISSA: Yeah, Kaitlin was calling 'cause there's this letter from her school that she wants me to grab. SUMMER: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, the letter. MARISSA: What? How do you know what it is? SUMMER: No, no, Cohen's confession. I left it in an envelope on Sandy's desk. MARISSA: Oh, so call Seth. Tell him to grab it. SUMMER: I can't. Things are finally normal again between us. Oh, my gosh, once he realizes what I did. I gotta go. Oh, my God, nausea tsunami. COHEN HOUSE SANDY: Well, it's a little unexpected. I mean, this hospital project has been, uh... it's been complicated. Oh, well... I'm glad to hear it. I look forward to tomorrow night. Thank you. You're not going to believe this. I am Riviera magazine's Man of the Year. Try not to faint. KIRSTEN: I'm sorry, it's just given everything that's happened... SANDY: They're calling the hospital phase one of Orange County's renaissance, thinking it could be a model for responsible development for the entire country. KIRSTEN: Responsible development? Sandy, the only thing it's responsible for is a lot of sleepless nights and Matt Ramsey's black eye. You know my father was Man of the Year. SANDY: The irony is not lost on me, believe me. But, hey, this could mean that maybe the dark days are over, that something good is coming from all this. KIRSTEN: I'd like to think so. But I honestly doubt it. SANDY: Well, I wasn't expecting your blessing. But until we have proof to the contrary, let's try to be optimistic. RYAN: Hey. KIRSTEN: Why don't you say good morning to Newport's Man of the Year? SETH: I knew it was only a matter of time before this town recognized my contribution to the community. RYAN: Have to be a man first. Congratulations, Sandy. SANDY: Thank you. Big party tomorrow night. Everybody's got to dress up and represent. KIRSTEN: And just think, I couldn't get you to wear a tie at cotillion. SANDY: College letters, senior prom... this family's on a streak. Let's try to enjoy it. RYAN: I gotta go. SANDY: Me, too. SETH: You excited? KIRSTEN: It'll be good for your father's career. [SCENE_BREAK] SUMMER: Oh, my God, Mr. C, you totally scared me. SANDY: Sometimes I scare myself, Summer. Seth's in the kitchen. SUMMER: I'll just go right in. SANDY: All right. SETH: What are you doing? SUMMER: Nothing. Looking for stamps. SETH: Are you mailing a letter? SUMMER: Not without stamps. Let's go make out upstairs. COFFEE SHOP MARISSA: Hey, is everything okay? You sounded weird on the phone. RYAN: You can give that to Taylor. MARISSA: What, her after-party money? RYAN: Yeah, it was stolen at the prom. MARISSA: Kevin... I can't believe he stole that. I should go over there and kick his... RYAN: No, no, no, no. We got the money, so forget it. Uh, just, uh, I don't really want to talk about it. But if you could just give that to Taylor, no questions ask, that'd be good. MARISSA: Yeah. You can count on me. I need to focus on other stuff anyway. I was gonna take a road trip this weekend. So, maybe I should just go home and pack. RYAN: Can I buy you breakfast? MARISSA: Sure. SETH'S ROOM SUMMER: Where is your dad going this morning? SETH: You thinking about my dad? SUMMER: He had his briefcase with him. Does he usually keep important papers in there? SETH: Whoa, you turned me on. SUMMER: I'm sorry. Cohen, there's something I need to tell you. SETH: You're using me to get to my father? SUMMER: Serious. SETH: So is this. We just got back together. The window for a makeup hookup is rapidly closing unless you want to break up again. SUMMER: No, definitely not. SETH: Okay, so what do you have to tell me? SUMMER: I want to be on top this time. SETH: You are always on top. ROBERTS HOUSE JULIE: Of course, we'll be there. Hey, it's something to celebrate. Okay, bye, Kiks. Huh. NEIL: Hey, good news? JULIE: Yes. Sandy Cohen has just been named Newport's Man of the Year. There's a party for him tomorrow night at the yacht club. NEIL: Well, that ought to be interesting. JULIE: What do you mean? NEIL: Sandy's being investigated by the DA. They're filing charges against Henry Griffin. And Sandy's been working very closely with him. JULIE: Oh, wow. I mean, Sandy is obviously very involved with the hospital, but I can't imagine him doing anything unethical. He can be self-righteous, pompous and annoying, but... Sandy is very moral. NEIL: Well, we'll find out. I'm sitting down with the district attorney tomorrow. JULIE: So we have to warn Sandy. NEIL: I already did. JULIE: Then why doesn't Kirsten know? KEVIN'S PLACE RYAN: How you doing? KEVIN: Seven stitches, couple of broken ribs... I'll live. RYAN: I'm glad. I didn't mean to, uh... Well, not that bad anyway. KEVIN: It's not like I didn't ask for it. RYAN: So the money is returned, you got your stitches and... we're good, right? KEVIN: Not quite. I need some help. I'm supposed to have picked something up from this guy. RYAN: No, no, no, no... KEVIN: Just be my lookout, drive and wait in the car. RYAN: Whatever you're into, drugs, guns... KEVIN: It's none of your business. RYAN: I know, and I don't want it to be. KEVIN: Right, 'cause you got the good life now. Graduation... college... You know all that change when you're charged with assault. RYAN: You tell the cops about me, and I'll tell them about the money. KEVIN: Money? What money ? I-I don't see any money. RYAN: Nobody's gonna believe you? KEVIN: I don't care if they do, 'cause I've got nothing to lose. And you've got everything. That's why you're a little bitch. And that's why you'll help me out tomorrow night. RYAN: No, no, I can't tomorrow night. Sandy's Man of the Year's big party. KEVIN: And I guess they'll be cuffing you in your suit. KAITLIN'S MANSION HADLEY: Daddy, you can't do this to yourself every time you get the ratings. It's my dad. You know The Valley? That's a show. What do you expect when you beat the same love triangle to the ground for three years? Who are you? MARISSA: Oh, uh... Marissa. Kaitlin's sister. HADLEY: Hey, bitch, your sister is here. Nice to meet you. I'm Hadley. Dad, I thought I told you to stay off the message boards. KAITLIN: Marissa, what are you doing here? MARISSA: Waiting for you to explain this. ROBERTS HOUSE JULIE: Thanks for coming by, Kiks. I didn't want to talk to you about this on the phone. KIRSTEN: No, of course, no problem. What's going on? JULIE: Um, sit down. Uh, it's Sandy. He's being investigated by the DA. KIRSTEN: Let me guess: the hospital. JULIE: Yeah. Neil is meeting with the DA tomorrow. It seems serious. I'm so sorry, Kirsten. I just thought you should know. KIRSTEN: No, of course. Especially with Sandy being Man of the Year. It'll be in all the papers. JULIE: And speaking of someone who's had to manage more than her share of scandal, you need to contain this ASAP. KIRSTEN: Julie, I appreciate the heads-up. Sandy's going to take this really hard. JULIE: Sandy knows. Neil told him at dinner last night. POOLHOUSE RYAN: So your mom has the baby? THERESA: Mm. The nanny. What, when we were growing up stealing all those empties to buy Sour Patch Kids, you didn't imagine me as the kind of girl hat would have a nanny? RYAN: Uh, you've come a long way, is all. THERESA: So have you. You're graduating on Monday and Berkeley in the fall. So last night after you left me with Taylor... RYAN: Just don't, okay? THERESA: Look, Ryan, there's only one thing that could have done that to your hand, and that's another guy's face. That kid stole the money, and you went to fight him. Go ahead. Answer it. RYAN: Hi. No, no, no, I cannot right now, okay? Well, give me a couple of hours at least. THERESA: You should have told them you'd be right there. RYAN: Teresa, Teresa! Look, there's things that I... that I can't tell the Cohens or Seth because they wouldn't understand it, but you... THERESA: My life has totally changed since we were kids. RYAN: So has mine. THERESA: No, Ryan, there are guys out there that don't get in fights, not ever, not any. RYAN: Like the guy at work? THERESA: Look, I have a child to think about now, okay? And I cannot be with someone like my brother or yours. RYAN: Well, I'm not like him. THERESA: Maybe on your good days, you're not, but right now, my life isn't built for the bad ones. I will always love you, Ryan. Keep safe. NEWPORT GROUP KIRSTEN: You walked into the kitchen the morning and asked me to be optimistic. SANDY: Well, they can't have much of a case, not against Griffin and certainly not against me. I'm hoping the whole thing will go away, and maybe the Man of the Year thing will help that. KIRSTEN: Well, it's not. Neil Roberts is meeting with the district attorney tomorrow. SAND: Well, I'll talk to Greg Otis; he'll tell me what's going on. Honey, I promise you I'll do everything in my power not to let this land on the family. KIRSTEN: It already has. KAITLIN'S MANSION KAITLIN: His name is Trevor Knightly, and he's the captain of the lacrosse team. HADLEY: Yeah, those girls are like his groupies. Lacrosse-stitutes. KAITLIN: He's a total perv, and really into Adderall. MARISSA: So what's he got against you? Or should I even ask? KAITLIN: He gave me a personal invitation to a lipstick party, and I declined. HADLEY: Obvie. Lipstick parties are for pervs and skanks. So heinous. Lipstick parties and Adderall. MARISSA: I'm sensing a generation gap. KAITLIN: So the next morning, he was all telling the headmistress that he saw me taking the crest above her office. MARISSA: Well, it sounds like it's his word against yours. HADLEY: Oh, obvie, but he totally hides his evilness. Straight A's, varsity athlete. And Kaitlin's, well... KAITLIN: Not exactly the perfect student. MARISSA: You don't say. KAITLIN: Look, Marissa, this will be my third strike, and I really don't feel like getting kicked out. I mean, I know it may not be as bad as shooting somebody, but I'm pretty sure Mom would freak out. And by the way, I really don't feel like getting locked up during summer. HADLEY: Obvie. I get so horny in the summertime. KAITLIN: Oh, honey, you're always horny. HADLEY: Shut up. KAITLIN: You shut up. MARISSA: Okay, both of you shut up. So what's the deal with this crest thing? KAITLIN: I'm pretty sure it's in his room, but there's no way that he or any of his army of probably-gay and totally-in-love-with-him homeboys would let me in there. MARISSA: Well, I'm not usually one to come up with a plan, but do you have one of those skirts? KEVIN'S PLACE RYAN: Hi. KEVIN: Hey. Here's Ryan. He's helping me. MAN: I'll leave the garage door unlocked when I finish work. It'll be inside. KEVIN: Thank you. MAN: Good luck, man. KEVIN: All right, man. This is the address. You'll need it for the pickup. RYAN: This is my neighborhood. KEVIN: That's why you're driving. COHEN HOUSE SETH: Mom, I'm going to go get something to eat with Summer. Are you decent? If I come in, am I inviting years of therapy? Sorry. Mom? SUMMER: There you are, you... Ooh. Sorry. Cohen, is your mom sick or something? SETH: Yeah, she is. I'm going to have to stay and take care of her. SUMMER: Okay, well, then why don't I just go pick us up food, and I'll bring it back. Do you think your mom needs anything? SETH: Just peace and quiet. We're gonna have to rain-check dinner. SUMMER: Cohen, you're acting really weird. SETH: I feel weird, you know? Maybe whatever my mom has is contagious, and I'd hate for you to catch it and feel weird, too. You know? SUMMER: Well, okay. KAITLIN'S MANSION MARISSA: Hi. Are you Trevor? TREVOR: Yeah. MARISSA: I'm Marissa, the new foreign exchange student. I just got here from London. TREVOR: I love... London. MARISSA: Well, I was hoping you could give me a tour. Starting with your dorm room? TREVOR: Ooh, sounds good. But I did my junior year abroad at Oxford. I don't buy that phony English accent for a second. MARISSA: Okay, fine, I'm a stripper. Your friends hired me for your birthday. TREVOR: My birthday's not for six months. MARISSA: Do you want to see me take my clothes off or not? [SCENE_BREAK] COHEN HOUSE SETH: Hey. Can I talk to you for a second? KIRSTEN: Sure. Oh, you mean right now. SETH: Yeah. Well, you know, just kinda... KIRSTEN: Well, can it wait till after? Because I'm on my way to a meeting with my group. SETH: Yeah, how is that going? KIRSTEN: Well, you know what they say. One day at a time. That's why I have meetings. RESTAURANT SANDY: Greg Otis, my favorite DA. Now, this is a cozy spot. The lighting's a lot more flattering than an interrogation room. GREG: No one's being interrogated. Dr. Roberts and I are just going to talk. It's good to see you. SANDY: Good to see you. GREG: The courtroom misses Sandy Cohen. SANDY: Oh, not as much as he misses the courtroom, believe me. We've known each other a long time, Otis. What am I dealing with here? GREG: The case against Griffin's not strong. Everyone's got stories, but there's not a lot of hard evidence. SANDY: Well, where do I fit in the picture? GREG: You're in bed with him on that hospital. Until I have proof otherwise, his improprieties are yours, too. SANDY: Well, what if you had receipts, e-mails? An eyewitness? GREG: That would help a lot. SANDY: In exchange for my cooperation, could you let The Newport Group finish the hospital? GREG: Griffin goes down, so does the hospital. No way around that. SANDY: So I could keep my mouth shut and hope you lose. GREG: Or you can help bury that crook, say good-bye to the hospital. Dr. Roberts. SANDY: Thanks for your time, Otis. I'm gonna leave you two to your discussion. Good to see you, Neil. NEIL: Sandy. CAR KEVIN: That's the house. Now I just gotta wait for him to leave. RYAN: You said we were picking something up. KEVIN: Yeah, well. He doesn't exactly know it. WOMAN: Ryan, is that you? RYAN: Hey. WOMAN: Well, I was just coming back from my tennis lesson and I thought, isn't that the Cohens' car? RYAN: It is. WOMAN: Well, save me a dance at Sandy's party tonight. RYAN: Will do. WOMAN: And, uh... bring your friend. He's hot. A neighbor? KEVIN: Ah, told you this was a good plan. KAITLIN'S MANSION TREVOR: This isn't my dorm room. MARISSA: Yeah, well, you don't want people to walk in on us, do you? So, take off your pants. TREVOR: I thought you were going to strip for me. MARISSA: Haven't you ever been to Vegas? In your boxers, or I'll have to give those guys their money back. TREVOR: That would be a waste. Do they do this in Vegas, too? MARISSA: They do everything in Vegas. Okay. Now, I just have to go change. TREVOR: But you're wearing a costume. Hey! Come back here! KAITLIN: Did you get 'em? MARISSA: Yeah. KAITLIN: All right. MARISSA: We gotta go. COHEN HOUSE SANDY: Hey. SUMMER: Hi, Mr. Cohen. Is Seth around? SANDY: No. I don't think so. Is it okay if I just, um, wait here for him? SANDY: Sure. Make yourself at home. SUMMER: Do you mind if I-I wait here with you? SANDY: I'm... I'm working, but, uh... suit yourself. SUMMER: So, uh, how's Mrs. Cohen? She feeling any better? SANDY: I didn't know she was sick. SUMMER: Huh. Must have been like a 24-hour thing. SANDY: So what's this? SUMMER: That is a card for Seth congratulating him on having a dad who was Man of the Year. SANDY: Even though it's addressed to Kirsten and me? SUMMER: Okay, that is actually like a really big mistake, and I would do anything to take it back. SANDY: "The most recent and troubling lies include..." Oh, Summer. SUMMER: Seth gave it to me on Valentine's Day when we got in a fight, and he said that if he ever screwed up again, that I should give it to you. Only he didn't screw up again. I did. SANDY: This is serious. SUMMER: I did it out of spite. He told me that he wasn't going to Brown and then I saw him there with Anna. SANDY: He said he wasn't going to Brown? SUMMER: Well, yeah, because he didn't get in but that was before RISD. SANDY: What do you mean, he didn't get in? SUMMER: I thought he only lied about that to me. A.A. KIRSTEN: The only thing worse than relapsing... is that my husband doesn't know. He's involved in this business deal and... it's gotten very ugly and, uh... Well, he might even be arrested. And I'm not blaming anyone. I'm the only one with the power to drink or not drink. I just... really need the man I married right now. COHEN HOUSE SANDY: I want to talk to you. SETH: Good, I want to talk to you. SANDY: I love you... and I'm worried about you. SETH: Right back at you. SANDY: You smoked pot in our home. SETH: Would you rather I do it somewhere else, like my college dorm? SANDY: That would require you getting into college. SETH: Well, do you think it's such a great idea, me going away to college when Mom's been drinking again? SANDY: What are you talking about? SETH: Maybe if you paid attention to anything other than that stupid hospital, you'd notice Mom's been passing out before dinner. SANDY: Don't talk to your father like that. SETH: That would require you to act like my father. CAR KEVIN: That's our guy. RYAN: All right, go ahead. I'll be waiting. KEVIN: Come on. You're my cover. Besides, I can't go with my face like this. What? You're just taking a little walk out in your neighborhood. GARAGE KEVIN: All right, I'll just be a minute. You just wait right there. RYAN: All right, let's go. Where is it? KEVIN: You're looking at it. RYAN: The car? You got to be kidding me. KEVIN: 120Gs is no joke. RYAN: No. No way, man. I'm not doing this. KEVIN: Too late. RYAN: Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! KEVIN: They're supposed to be next to the keys, but I can't find them! RYAN: There's a patrol car up the street! KEVIN: I got this! RYAN: They're coming! Let's go! What are you doing?! KEVIN: Shut up! RYAN: Let's go! Come on! KEVIN: Get in! Don't be a little bitch. KAITLIN'S MANSION MARISSA: You guys better get that back to the headmistress' office before someone sees it here. KAITLIN: Oh, yeah. We will. And thanks again. That was pretty cool. HADLEY: Yeah. I mean, when we came and talked about you, I thought you'd be totally wasted and have all these problems. MARISSA: Right. Well, I'm glad you guys aren't going to get in trouble. I actually kind of had fun. KAITLIN: Wow. I suspected as much, but it's actually kind of nice to hear you say it out loud. I think we're having a moment? HADLEY: Oh, my God! My phone just totally stepped on your moment. Um... I'll just... I'll take it outside. Hey, bitch! You never call me back. What's up? KAITLIN: Yeah, I liked hanging out, too. It sucks you're going to go to college next year. MARISSA: Um... We'll see about that. KAITLIN: Oh. Well, whatever you decide, I will miss you. And I mean it this time. MARISSA: Oh, me, too. COHEN HOUSE KIRSTEN: I'm sorry I'm late. I'll... I'll hurry. SANDY: Hey, have a seat. So... Have you been drinking again? No explanation, no... no judgment. I just want to know. Oh, I wish you'd talk to me. KIRSTEN: I tried. SANDY: That night you called? I wish I had known. KIRSTEN: Then you would have come? Because the only thing that would actually get you to talk to me was the threat of a relapse? SANDY: I hope you know that's not true. KIRSTEN: I don't know that. Oh, Sandy, I'm sorry. For everything. Especially the relapse. And, more importantly, for keeping it a secret. SANDY: I'm sorry, too. SETH'S ROOM KIRSTEN: I know you know about my drinking. SETH: And I assume you know about Brown? Sorry to rat you out to Dad. It was kind of a heat-of-the-moment thing. KIRSTEN: I'm glad you did. I know things have been difficult, but we're still a family. SETH: Yeah. We're a great family: Mom's drinking. Dad's about to go to jail. Giving the Outfit a run for their money. KIRSTEN: I haven't given up on us, and neither has your father. SETH: My God! Apologize for that guy. I don't even want to be in the same room as him. KIRSTEN: I'm asking you to. SETH: I attend his Man of the Year party? Don't you think that's a hypocritical way to start the Cohen family clean slate? KIRSTEN: Will you do it for me? SETH: Fine. But I want my own table, and my applause for his speech will be so tepid. KIRSTEN: Thank you. Will you stop by the Newport Group? There's a concept drawing for the hospital that your father needs for his presentation. I'd ask Ryan, but he said he'd be late. I believe your father is going to fix this. SETH: That makes one of us. CAR MARISSA: Ryan. RYAN: Hi. Hey, where are you right now? MARISSA: I'm driving back from Montecito. Are you okay? RYAN: Yeah. Can you, uh... Can you meet me at your place? MARISSA: Yeah. Sure. There's a key under the mat by the pool. Just let yourself in, and wait in my room. I'll be there as soon as I can. RYAN: Thanks. MARISSA: Hey, Ryan... RYAN: I... It's okay. It's okay. Um... Thanks. ROBERTS HOUSE JULIE: Neil, why aren't you ready for the party? We should be leaving. NEIL: I'm not going, darling. Julie, I spent the entire afternoon with the DA. Griffin's about to be arrested, and Sandy's future is far from certain. JULIE: All the more reason to be there for him and Kirsten. NEIL: It feels like a conflict of interest. I might have to testify against the man. I'm sorry. But I'm sure they'll understand. JULIE: Well, I don't. The Cohens are like family, Neil. NEIL: Maybe they're about to become the black sheep. JULIE: Hmm. Well, I don't know about you, but I support the people I care about. I don't judge them. I'll call a cab. NEWPORT GROUP SETH: Hello. KIRSTEN: Hey. I was wondering if you have an ETA. Your father's about to take the stage. SETH: I'll be right there. KIRSTEN: Did you get the drawing? Okay. I'll see you soon. RESTAURANT SANDY: Well, you're very sweet to say that, thank you. KIRSTEN: Excuse me. Can I borrow my husband for a moment? SANDY: Excuse me. KIRSTEN: Isn't that Greg Otis? SANDY: Oh, maybe he's here to arrest me. Wouldn't be the first time somebody left a Newport party in handcuffs. I'm going to go practice my speech anyway. MARISSA'S ROOM MARISSA: Hey, what's going on? RYAN: I was with you tonight. If anyone asks, can you say that? MARISSA: Ryan... RYAN: Just yes or no? Will you do it? MARISSA: Yeah, of course. RESTAURANT JULIE: You changed your mind? NEIL: No, you changed it. You're a very passionate woman. Surprisingly principled. JULIE: I'd like to think so. NEIL: If you feel so strongly about family, how could I not want to be part of yours? SANDY: Good evening, everyone. And thank you so much for coming out tonight, and thanks to Riviera Magazine for bestowing upon me this... this wonderful honor that I... I cannot accept. I used to think I was better than this place. You know, I came from outside the bubble, so I thought I was fit to judge it. So when it came time for me to run the Newport Group, I wasn't worried at all about losing my way. But I learned that despite the wide streets and the sunny views, you take one wrong turn in this town, and you can end up totally lost. Oh, thank you, Seth. Thanks, Kirsten. This drawing is as close to fully realized as Newport Mercy will ever be, because in the next few months, I'm going to be cooperating with the District Attorney's investigation of Dr. Henry Griffin and the hospital he and I were going to build. SUMMER: I'm so sorry, Cohen. SETH: No, it's okay. I think it's for the best. SANDY: I'm truly flattered to be held in such high esteem by this community, but I'm going to step aside, because I'm going to pursue an order that is closer to my heart: Father and Husband of the Year. Thank you. GREG: That was quite a speech. SANDY: And you... are going to have quite a case. I'll be in touch. KIRSTEN: You were wonderful. SANDY: Thanks. SETH: I thought it was wordy in the middle, but I think the end was nice. SANDY: Yeah? SANDY: Maybe I'm too late. CAR RYAN: They're here for me. MARISSA: Well, it's a good thing you were with me all night then, right? RESTAURANT SANDY: Do not ask him any questions unless I'm present. COP: Who are you, his lawyer? SANDY: I'm his father. RYAN: What happened? SANDY: There's been a fire at the Newport Group. They think Seth did it.
Plan: A: the DA; Q: Who wants Sandy's picture on the cover of Riviera? A: Volchok; Q: Who blackmails Ryan into a crime? A: Kirsten; Q: Who is drinking? A: Seth; Q: Who burns down his dad's office? Summary: Sandy's picture will be on the cover of Riviera . Or, if the DA has his way, a mugshot. More troubles: Volchok blackmails Ryan into a crime, Kirsten is drinking and Seth burns down his dad's office. Didn't mean to. Honest.
Opening scene - Cohen kitchen - Sandy goes to the cupboard and takes out a glass, he then goes to the fridge takes the juice out of the fridge and as he closes the fridge door we see Kirsten standing in her PJ's with a big red bow an arrow (Cupids arrow) she shoots him in the face with it, and Sandy isn't impressed. Kirsten: (shoots arrow) ooooh (laughs, excited) Happy Valentines Day someone just got struck by Cupids arrow (kisses him on the cheek) mwa (Sandy is emotionless) Happy Valentines day Sandy: (bends down & picks up the arrow) Valentines Days not till tomorrow sweetie (hands Kirsten the arrow) Kirsten: (disappointed) you're not excited Sandy: I am, I am I'm just uh (sighs) still thinkin about Oliver with that gun (pours himself a juice) Kirsten: yeah I know Sandy: who knows what coulda happened Kirsten: but it didn't an Dr Kim lifted Ryan's suspension so the best thing for everyone is for everything to return to normal (dramatic) an in this house that means celebrating the holidays Sandy: Valentines days not a holiday (Kirsten looks at him) Rosh Hashanah that's a holiday memorial day yes a holiday, you know who invented Valentines Day Kirsten: Saint Valentine Sandy: Hershey's an Hallmark, if your single it's designed ta make ya depressed if your lucky enough to be in love start shellin out, chocolate flowers lingerie Kirsten: you never bought me lingerie Sandy: an see how upset you are! I hate this holiday (Seth comes in) Seth: dad must be talkin about Valentines Day Sandy: I am indeed, I hate the holiday (Kirsten shoots Seth with 'Cupids arrow') Seth: (with little enthusiasm) hey...you got me (makes cutesy face) Kirsten: (excited) guess who jus got shot by Cupids arrow (raises her eyebrows for emphasis) Seth: Is someone going overboard with this holiday (gives arrow back) Kirsten: oh like your one to talk, Chrismukkah anyone Sandy: well...at least that's a real holiday Seth: (hits Sandy on the arm) tell her dad (points) it's two Kirsten: Seth made that word up when he was six (they are all talking over each other so this is the best I could do) Sandy: its one'a the most important things in the (?) Christian calendar, festival of lights, birth of Jesus Kirsten: this is an important holiday, its Valentines Day Seth: where Jewishness fuses with Christianity ok Sandy: do the math (they all go quiet because Ryan has come in, he goes to the cupboard and gets the cereal out) Sandy: how ya doin kid? Ryan: uh y'know ok I guess Kirsten: well your about to be great because tomorrow is the (emphasis) big Valentines Day singles gala, the benefit for Newport memorials heart department (excited) big party, you guys are gonna dress up (Sandy & Seth don't look happy) everyone's gonna be there... (smiles) jus like normal...huh...yessss (Ryan doesn't look happy either) (Sandy & Seth just stand there) I'm gonna go... Theme song - California by Phantom Planet Harbor School - we hear the bell go then we see Ryan walking in the halls, Marissa is behind him Marissa: (smiles) Ryan, hey Ryan: hey (Marissa's goes to kiss him but Ryan moves his head so that they hug instead) Marissa: um...were you able ta sleep at all Ryan: not much Marissa: me either I jus kept going over everything in my head Ryan: yeah, yeah well he's in the hospital so hopefully he'll get better Marissa: (nods) I hope so...cause I'm ready for everything ta just go back to normal...the way it was (Ryan doesn't say anything) (cheery) right so uh Valentines Day, tomorrow Ryan: yeah, ah-huh Marissa: what we're you gonna do (unsure) cause I didn't know if you wanted to... Ryan: yeah no uh Kirsten's hosting this singles dance Marissa: for the hospital Ryan: I-I told her I'd go (unsure) cause I didn't know if you... Marissa: of course...right well then uh ill go to (Ryan nods) (playfully touches him) who knows maybe we'll uh meet somebody there Ryan: (sort of laughs) yeah, who knows (smiles) (bell goes) alright I should-I should get ta (motions down the hall) Marissa: yep no, me too (they both stand there quiet for a little bit, Ryan walks one way and Marissa walks the other, they both frown as they are walking off) CUT TO: Student lounge - Summer is playing a video game (as in the pacman type) and Seth comes in Seth: hey Summer Summer: god Cohen you made me mess up, I'm going for the high score Seth: hey...it's good to see ya too...um tomorrows Valentines Day Summer: (sarcastic) oh really god you know, I didn't know tomorrow was Valentines Day, but hey thanks for reminding me (pushes the buttons harder) have fun with Anna! Seth: Anna's in Pittsburgh for the weekend Summer: on Valentines Day, hey now that's commitment Seth: actually Anna an I broke up (Summer stops playing) an I jus I wanted to see what you were doing maybe tomorrow Summer: ah-huh (walks to the food/drink bit) so you guys broke up Seth: (follows) yeah Summer: and (to person serving) coffee (to Seth) your single now an you wanna know what I'm doing for Valentines Day Seth: yep Summer: mm so Anna dumps you an you think you can choose me...and I'd still be interested in you Seth: ok first of all what makes you think that Anna dumped me (Summer looks at him) never mind second of all...kind of...yes Summer: yeah...no, no way, I'm not gonna be your sloppy seconds ass face, b'sides I'm busy tomorrow I'll be at the singles dance Seth: oh hey whadda y'know so will I Summer: I don't care Seth: great ill see you there Summer: no if I see you first Seth: ok, hopefully we'll both meet someone special Summer: oh yeah maybe, as long as his name isn't Cohen! (walks away) Seth: oh, oh snap (makes motion with his fingers for emphasis) (shakes his head) CUT TO: Kirsten's office - Kirsten is in there working and Sandy comes in Sandy: I'm sorry I'm late, crusading for the rich an dysfunctional is extremely time consuming Kirsten: uh let me jus dot my I's an cross my T's Sandy: (complaining) oh c'mon I'm starvin I've ben thinkin about nothin but crab cakes for the last hour Kirsten: are-are you gonna be around tomorrow ta help with the set up Sandy: for what Kirsten: for the Valentines Day single dance gala thing Sandy: oh no I-I cant do it sweetie (Kirsten looks at him) I got this petty nuisance law suit infact I-I'm pretty booked this weekend so...I might be a little late to the Valentines Day dance singles gala singles Kirsten: (correcting) singles dance gala, why? we said we were gonna go together Sandy: its restaurant stuff, we got the zoning inspectors comin by before we can expand the deck Kirsten: on Saturday Sandy: I guess these city council guys are really busy Kirsten: no, I forbid it Sandy: (shocked) you what? Kirsten: with whatever wifely authority I have vested in me on this most holy an romantic of days, no Sandy: it's only a holiday, its not even a real holiday Kirsten: not this again (shakes her head) not on an empty stomach (gets up from her desk) Sandy: how bout Arbor Day, trees that's a good cause or secretary's day or how bout our anniversary Kirsten: (upset) which we might not make it to! Sandy: come on you know your gonna have so much more fun there without me Kirsten: no, you're going! Sandy this is important ta me Sandy: y'know there's alotta things that are important ta me that you don't do Kirsten: like what? Sandy: like golfing lots'a couples golf together Kirsten: shortly before dying of old age Sandy: surfing! how many times have I tried'ta get you in the ocean Kirsten: with the fish ugh Sandy: an still I'm patient, I'm forgiving Kirsten: you're joking! Sandy: I patiently put up with your father! Kirsten: (sarcastic) you're eligible for saint hood any day now! Sandy: I forgive your snoring Kirsten: (getting angry) (yells) I - do not - snore Sandy: oh yeah, you do, like a freight train roarin through the house Kirsten: you wanted to do this restaurant I supported you, you wanted to go into private practice who had your back? Sandy: I put up with your father! Kirsten: (complaining) you never wanna do anything that I like! (angry) everything's a fight, everything's an argument, my life, my job Sandy: yeah, yeah yeah an I'm still here Kirsten: (yells) don't do me any favors Sandy: (yells) I won't Kirsten: (yells) fine Sandy: (yells) perfect (confused) w-what're we fighting about Kirsten: (packing up) I am not sure, but its serious (picks up her things) you're on your own for lunch (leaves) Sandy: (with attitude) Happy Valentines Day CUT TO: Jimmy's house - Marissa is lying on the couch reading and Jimmy comes in the door Jimmy: hey, kiddo (shuts the door) the glasser came ta the restaurant today, made a total mess, but progress is being made, how was school (kisses her on the forehead) Marissa: (smiles) mm, ok Jimmy: yeah Marissa: hey you got something (sits up and gets it) it was left for you at the door (hands him a red heart shaped box) Jimmy: hmm (puts it to his ear) well its not ticking so...it can't be from your mom (reads the card) hope your not too lonely this Valentines Day (frowns) x o x o your secret admirer, Marissa your so sweet, you didn't have'ta do that Marissa: I didn't Jimmy: (confused) well...who else woulda left something...nice Marissa: that is a good question, but this year I'm doing my best to avoid Valentines Day completely Jimmy: what you an Ryan are... Marissa: I...don't really wanna talk about it...an neither does he Jimmy: hm well, it is Valentines Day, sometimes the big romantic gesture is more effective then talking (sighs) (Marissa thinks) (takes the lid off the box) ooh, there's no way your mom gave me these right (offers Marissa one) no she doesn't make her distain for me a secret much less her admiration Marissa: well have you kissed anyone recently (eats cookie) (Jimmy doesn't say anything, but he looks as though he's thinking) CUT TO: Summer's bedroom - Summer is lying on her bed watching The Valley. there's a knock at the door Summer: (yells) I'm busy...studying...naked Seth: was that suppose'ta keep me away? Summer: (unsure) Cohen? (gets off the bed) (opens the door) you're at my house Seth: an you are dressed I wonder who's more disappointed (pokes his head in) um can I come in? Summer: no Seth: thanks (walks in) Summer: uh (shrugs) what're you doing here Seth: (picks up a 'my little pony' off her table) who is this? Summer: no one Seth: (girly voice, moves the pony) I'm not no one Summer: (gives in) princess sparkle, what'do you want Seth: I think she's just Captain Oat's type Summer: well you tell (snatches the pony from him) him ta keep his hooves off! (yells) an as for you! Seth: wait-wait before you kick me out can ya jus, please give me a second to explain (Summer folds her arms) ok listen Summer...its not like...like now that me an Anna broke up I'm now choosing you, ok (Summer rolls her eyes) cause the whole reason that we broke up...is cause for me...(sincerely) its always ben you Summer (Summer's expression softens) its always ben you...an I've tried'a fight it an I've tried ta deny it an I cant, I cant do it...your undeniable (Summer kisses him and pushes him onto her bed. she sits up and takes her jacket off then kisses him again. they are heavily making out) Summer: Cohen (heavy breathing) Seth: yeah Summer: do you happen (kisses him) to have...you know... Seth: oh (kisses her) yeah I do (kisses her) in my wallet Summer: yeah Seth: I was beginning to view it as a uh sort of a rabbits foot for good luck only but that's- Summer: (covers his mouth with her hand) (softly) your about ta get lucky (kisses him) (Summer sits up and takes her singlet/tank top off, Seth is on his elbows just watching her in awe, and her hair falls on her bare shoulders) Seth: whatever you say Summer, yes...yes (Summer smiles and her head disappears from the shot) CUT TO: Beautiful shots of the sun setting on Newport, then we are at Julie's house, its now night - Julie answers the door and Luke is there Julie: (suprised) Luke, hi Luke: (smiles) hi Mrs. Cooper Julie: what're you doing here? Luke: uh w (laughs) d-d-did you know I-I was wondering did-did Marissa bring her bio text book home Julie: Marissa doesn't live here anymore Luke, you know that Luke: right... (nods head) I musta forgot Julie ah-huh right ok well, goodnight Luke: uh tomorrow um is the Valentines Day party (looks down) I w- are you gonna go...cause I'm gonna go an I thought if you needed a ride... Julie: uh actually, everything that's happened with Caleb an me I think its best I stay home, avoid this holiday Luke: yeah, it's just another day of the week right (Julie raises her eyebrows) ok um goodnight Mrs. Cooper Julie: goodnight (Luke walks off, shaking his head. Julie watches him walk away, smiling) CUT TO: Summer's bedroom - Summer and Seth are lying on her bed next to each other, under the sheet. Seth is holding the sheet to cover his chest, Summer has hers covering her chest with both hands resting on to. we are seeing them from above the bed, they both look awkward/not sure. definitely not anything you'd expect Seth: so...that was s*x Summer: yep Seth: I'm gonna go... Summer: (frowns) me too Seth: but you live here Summer: I meant down stairs Seth: oh ok Summer: perfect (Summer pulls the sheet to go with her as she gets up, this pulls what Seth had off him, we see him completely naked from only just above his waist. he has his hands clasped together on his chest. he looks down then grabs Summers pillow and puts it just below his chest. he sits up holding the pillow there then gets off the bed but we don't see anything passed him on the side of the bed, he just disappears out of the shot after that) CUT TO: The pool house - Ryan is sitting on his bed studying, Marissa knocks then walks in. Ryan: hi (Marissa doesn't say anything, she is holding a single red rose and walks over to him, smiling. when Marissa reaches Ryan he is almost standing, she kisses him, breathing heavily and pushes him back on the bed. she continues kissing him. Ryan looks shocked) Marissa: (undoes the buttons on his shirt) I love you so much (she sits up and takes her top off so she's just in her singlet/tank top) we've waited a long time to (kisses him) mmm (smiles) you know (Ryan doesn't look happy) (unbuttons more buttons) an I thought maybe we could start Valentines Day early (kisses him) mm (she runs her hand down his top, to the waist of his pants, Ryan stops her) Ryan: (stops kissing) mm no wait, wait hold on Marissa: (gets off him a bit) what, don't you wann'to Ryan: no (Marissa sits down on the bed, hurt) Ryan: (frowning) no I mean yeah (sits up) yeah of course but uh, with everything that's happened it just uh (sighs) it jus seems a little soon Marissa: (closes her eyes) I jus wish it hadn't happened, that we could still be like we were (Ryan doesn't say anything) an I just wanted ta make it up to you Ryan: you don't have ta...do this Marissa: (embarrassed) (stands up) no your right (picks up her top) so um I guess ill uh...go...cause this is just really- Ryan: wrong Marissa: (putting her top on) I was gonna say embarrassing but I guess...wrong works...so it was nice ta see you an I guess ill uh...see you again...tomorrow (leaves) (Ryan sits there) CUT TO: The pool house the next morning - Ryan is sitting on the bed, Seth comes in Seth: hey buddy, got some big news Ryan: yeah I was just about to head over, set up for the party aren't you comin Seth: yeah that's a whole lotta lifting, it's not really my thing (excited) an I don't know if I jus mentioned this but I have - some - big - news Ryan: yeah so I heard (stands) what's up Seth: well Ryan (puts his hands in the air) I'm a man, an not just like an after your Bahmitzva man but a man man (Ryan looks at him) (puts his fist in the air) I had s*x with a girl, Summer to be more specific Ryan: (impressed) how was it Seth: (whispers) I had s*x Ryan: that bad (walking) Seth: (follows him) no - not that bad, it was...just kinda weird Ryan: weird Seth: yeah but not kinky weird more like weird awkward (Ryan frowns) but hey you know what it was my first time she's a more experienced woman that's to be expected, an I did (nods)...make some faces in the middle that I wish that (laughs) I could uh take back but I cant and there's also sort of a whiney noise that came out towards the end (Ryan looks at him with a T.M.I expression) that uh that probably wasn't my finest hour. an I sucked SO-BAD. I was like a fish floppin around on dry land. Ryan I was Nemo an I just wanted ta go home Ryan: well don't worry about it you'll get another chance Seth: yeah that's the thing though I'm not sure that I will, the situation with Summer's murkier now then it was before the awful fish - s*x Ryan: I wouldn't refer to it as fish s*x ever again Seth: that's a good point, that's somethin that I was hopin to get a little bit more of uh tips, tricks of the trade, I think Summers use'ta drivin a higher performance vehicle Ryan: yeah I don't know if I'm the guy ta talk to about romance these days Seth: why, what's up Ryan: me an Marissa its-its definitely different now post Oliver Seth: yeah, you wanna talk about it Ryan: nah I should get over to set up Seth: hey so do ya have any tips or words'a wisdom for me Ryan: do it again (leaves) Seth: that's...what I was afraid of CUT TO: The Beach - Marissa and Summer are sun baking and talking Marissa: an then we both jus decided to wait because you know we were really tired, well you know how it goes Summer: ...I wish we had waited Marissa: what? who Summer: me an Cohen...we had s*x Marissa: (shocked) wait, what! you guys did what (Summer waves it off) I've ben with you an hour how did this not come up Summer: I must've forgotten Marissa: (sighs) ok so I lied (Summer looks at her) things last night with Ryan went terribly, I think he hates me Summer: he doesn't hate you Marissa: he turned down s*x Summer: you might be onto something (Marissa looks sad) hey you can't beat yourself up over it, no one knew that Oliver was gonna turn out to be such a looney tune Marissa: except Ryan an I didn't listen (Summer sighs) I don't know (shrugs) maybe we jus weren't meant to be together Summer: maybe we were jus chasing after the wrong boys (they both look at each other) CUT TO: Cohen house - Kirsten is working on decorations for the singles dance. Sandy comes in Sandy: (cheery) hellooo (Kirsten doesn't acknowledge him, nor stop what she is doing. Sandy goes to the fridge and takes out some meat, he stands there eating it and watching her) Sandy: so how long will this continue Kirsten: you ruined - my favourite holiday so, until Valentines Day is over we have nothing to talk about (Seth comes in from outside) Sandy: alright Seth: hey dad're you busy Sandy: I'm just enjoying your mothers company Seth: awesome I need'a talk to you Sandy: what's goin on? Seth: nothin just need'a talk to you uh...girl stuff Sandy: well...you've come to the master (Kirsten laughs) hey I got you Kirsten: I was young, impressionable an drunk Seth: (puts his hand up) only child right here (door bell) Kirsten: ill get it, I need a little fresh air Seth: well I never thought that I would have'ta... (swallows) say this but I think that we...need ta have (softer) the talk Sandy: (shocked) now? Seth: (nods) it's gonna be as hard for me as it is for you (Kirsten answering the door, it's Jimmy) Jimmy: hey Kirsten: hey Jimmy: Happy Valentines Day (hands her the cookie things from before) Kirsten: (gasps) that's what I like a little holiday spirit around here (smiles) thanks Jimmy: sure Kirsten: mm I love these, you know what there called forgotten kisses an you know who use'ta make these, Hailey Jimmy: Hailey Kirsten: mm-hmm (eats one) Jimmy: huh, an how's she doin? you heard from her at all Kirsten: ah no an I don't expect I will (sits on the couch) cause when she left she left angry (Jimmy frowns) an who knows she's probably in South East Asia or New York Jimmy: quite the...globe trotter Kirsten: (eating) sometimes, one time we thought she was in London an it turned out that she was on her friends boat jus down here in the Harbor Jimmy: (thinking) boat huh Kirsten: mm-hmm CUT TO: Dining room table - Sandy and Seth are sitting opposite each other Sandy: wow, well di-did you uh (Seth cringes) you know did you...wear uh-...protection Seth: (cringes and covers his ears) (eyes closed) oh my god yes (Sandy nods, relieved) oh my god yes, I don't believe you just asked me that Sandy: well I'm sorry but I had to, it's so good that ya did, if your gonna have s*x ya gotta be responsible Seth: (slowly uncovers his ears) yes responsible an (opens his eyes) awkward Sandy: oh (waves it off) well that's ta be expected Seth: (relieved) it is Sandy: yeah Seth: see that's what I thought Sandy: hey listen, you were lucky ta be able'ta hang in there after all that foreplay Seth: (confused) fore-what now? Sandy: fore-play (Seth shakes his head) oh uh yeah you know uh m-massaging y'know or um...you know nibbling the neck. look here's the point, just cause you're ready to go it doesn't mean she is Seth: I'm always ready ta go Sandy: well you're my son, we Cohen's are very sexual beings Seth: (cringes) oh, my god Sandy: virile, get used to it Seth: just disgusting...foreplay huh? Sandy: oh I'm tellin ya, the appetiser is as good as the main course Seth: (swallows) jus swallowed a little bit of throw up, well I'm gonna pretend we never had this conversation but...thanks dad (gets up) Sandy: hey Seth Seth, so you don't mind my askin who'd you uh...who'd ya sleep with, I mean you got so many girls these days (Seth moves his head) Summer? (Seth raises his eyebrows) oooh you dog you (Seth looks at him, Sandy smiles) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: The singles dance gala - Ryan and Luke are there helping set up Luke: so man, how's everything with you an Marissa, is she comin to the party tonight Ryan: I don't know, fifty fifty Luke: (nods) w-what about her mom, do'ya think she's comin'a night Ryan: I have no idea (frowns) Luke: (laughs) I was jus tryin'a get a head count for the event (leaves) (Ryan stands there frowning, he walks away and runs into a caterer who has a crate covering her face) Ryan: whoa, whoa hey sorry Theresa: Ryan (smiles) Ryan: (shocked) Theresa uh what are- uh Hi Theresa: you always had a way with words Ryan: (smiles) are you uh you workin here Theresa: yeah I figured what better way to celebrate Valentines Day then serve pâté to a bunch of rich people (Ryan doesn't say anything) Theresa: oh, these are your friends an neighbours, sorry Ryan: (smiles) its good to see you (they both look at each other, smiling) CUT TO: Summer's bedroom - Summer is lying on her bed listening to CD's. there's a knock at her door, Seth walks in Summer: Cohen, what're you doing? Seth: I need'a talk to you (sits next to her on the bed) about what happened, you remember the...s*x Summer: (frowns) I'm tryin'a forget Seth: right, right that's actually why I'm here, see I feel you didn't get your moneys worth last night Summer: if you make a bang for your buck joke right now you're gone Seth: no jokes, there should be nothin funny about...what goes on right here Summer: (confused) you want another shot? Seth: that's what I'm saying (Seth kisses her, he pulls back, hopeful) Summer: pretty good, not as slobbery as (laughs) yesterday (Summer goes to kiss him and he moves behind her and massages her shoulders) Seth: oooh, oooh a little tense, a little tense sshhh Summer: ow, ow what're you, what's up with the Vulcan nerve pinch Seth: (kisses the back of her head) a little massage (he pulls her hair away from her neck and begins to kiss up her neck) Summer: ok no your (laughs) totally tickling me stop Seth: shhhh (Summer elbows him in the stomach) Summer: stop (realises what she did) Seth: (winded) I'm stopping, I'm stopping (he blows in her hair) Summer: (turns around to face him) ok what the hell are you doing! Seth: its just a little something that I like ta call foreplay Summer: (grabs him) no uh-uh (pushes him on the bed and sits on top of him) Seth: ugh I knew not to listen'a my dad (Summer unzips her jacket & takes it off) not that I listen to my dad cause I would never talk about that stuff with him y'know what I'm sayin I maybe- Summer: (takes off her bikini top) no more talking, Cohen Seth: whatever you say Summer (Summer smiles) CUT TO: The singles dance - Ryan and Theresa are sitting outside on the steps talking Ryan: (sighs) so now he's in the hospital, he could be there a while Theresa: wow, that's unbelievable, no wonder you're so pissed off Ryan: ah I'm not Theresa: sure you are, I'd be (Ryan looks at her) your best friend didn't believe you, the people you live with didn't listen to you an your girlfriend didn't trust you Ryan: when you put it that way Theresa: sorry, it's none of my business Ryan: no, no it feels good ta talk about it, I haven't really with anyone else (Theresa nods & smiles) (Marissa comes out and sees Ryan, but not Theresa) Marissa: hey Luke didn't know if you'd (they both stand, revealing Theresa is there as well) Theresa: hi Marissa, Theresa, thanksgiving we Marissa: uh yeah, yeah no I remember Theresa: I'm helping cater the event Ryan: she's a caterer (nods) Marissa: oh well that's really great um so I guess ill just talk to you tonight (shrugs) you'll be here? Ryan: yeah Marissa: (to Theresa) an so will you Theresa: (smiles) yeah Marissa: ok bye (goes to go back inside) Theresa: I should get back to Ryan: yeah, see ya tonight (Marissa opens the door for a guy coming out, Theresa is now at the door wanting to go in as well. Marissa motions for Theresa to go first, Theresa motions for Marissa to go, they both decide to accept the others offer and end up trying to get through at once) Marissa: sorry (walks off to the right) (Theresa goes off to the left and Ryan watches, cringing, then he raises his eyebrows) CUT TO: The pool house - Ryan is fixing his tie in the mirror and Seth comes in Seth: (sighs) one day when I'm reflecting back on my life (sits in the chair) I think I'm gonna remember these chats before the big events as my favourite times Ryan: what's this one about (Seth rubs his eye & squints what'did you do to your eye Seth: mm it's just a little bit blurry, Summer poked me in it with her big toe Ryan: what, why (sits on the bed) Seth: I don't know man it was an accident there were limbs everywhere, I'm lucky I can still see Ryan: so you guys did the deed again Seth: technically yes, but it wasn't pretty I think I suffered a spinal injury to (moves his back) Ryan: maybe next time you should wear a helmet, mouth guard Seth: I don't think there's gonna be a next time, not after this latest debacle I think it might be over, an what sucks about that though is that I know I have so much more ta give Ryan: (looks at him) I don't need ta know that Seth: fair enough, what about you, you wanna skip the event Ryan: nah I would but there's someone there I wanna see (Seth looks at him) just...an old friend CUT TO: Jimmy's house - Marissa and Summer are getting ready Summer: hey if you wanna skip it I would be more then happy to believe me Marissa: (sighs) I don't wanna go either Summer: (excited) great! Marissa: but I have to, Ryan's ex is gonna be there, she's a caterer tonight Summer: an you want to what? spy Marissa: not exactly (Summer folds her arms) yes, look I don't know Sum (sits down) I don't know what's going on between us, an now this girl is gonna be there Summer: hug? (limps over to her) Marissa: are you limping Summer: yeah, Cohen kneed me in the leg Marissa: why? (hugs Summer) Summer: (frowns) he...must've read it in the karma sutra Marissa: ah, so you guys had s*x again Summer: if you can call it that, there were like limbs...everywhere... (frowns) love hurts Marissa: yeah tell me about it CUT TO: The dock - Jimmy is looking for Hailey's friend's boat Jimmy: um Girl: are you a cop? Jimmy: am I- no uh no I'm jus looking for someone who's um who's staying here (Hailey comes out) Hailey: Jimmy Jimmy: (smiles) hey...Hailey (Girl goes back inside) Jimmy: ok, interesting company you keep there Hailey: (smiles) you tracked me down, I'm impressed Jimmy: well look those cookies...were so good that I couldn't let you leave without giving me the recipe, I mean there definitely gonna be on the menu at my-my new restaurant Hailey: (curious) your new restaurant Jimmy: yeah, as a matter'a fact I was wondering if you-if you wanted to be the...the first customer I'm y'know sorta experimenting with some dishes an I thought maybe y'know you could be the guinea pig (raises eyebrows) Hailey: (laughs) ok, let me go get changed (smiles) an ill be right back (Jimmy smiles and waits) CUT TO: The V Day singles dance gala - Sandy is talking to a group of men, he finishes talking to them and sees Kirsten, he smiles but she looks away, he keeps walking to where Seth and Ryan are standing Sandy: hey, if I teach you guy's anything, don't ever get married Ryan: I've heard that from you before Sandy: oh you'll hear it again...ill be at the bar (walks off) Seth: no sign of our opponents Ryan: yeah, you ready ta go? Seth: yeah, since before we got here (Theresa walks up with hors d'oeuvres) Theresa: hi guys Seth: hi there Theresa: want some'a this uh...actually (laughs) I have no idea what this is Seth: odds are mushroom leek crescent, crab an brie phyllo (Theresa nods) it usually is Ryan: Seth this is my friend Theresa (Seth looks at him, Ryan nods) Seth: (smiles) oh, this is your friend (to Theresa) Theresa, hi how are you...so I'm gonna go with (we pan up to Marissa and Summer watching them from above) Marissa: that's her Summer: that's her? she's hot! (Marissa looks at her) for Chino Marissa: no she is, she's beautiful...an nice...an smart an funny an did I mention they've ben friends forever Summer: only a few times Marissa: they did musicals together, an went to the winter dance Summer: (suprised) Ryan did musicals? Marissa: she was peppermint patty... (sad) Ryan was snoopy (Summer sighs and looks at Marissa, concerned) (Theresa walks past Kirsten and Julie, with the hors d'oeuvres. they are both unhappy) Julie: (sighs) god I hate Valentines Day Kirsten: I don't know why we celebrate anything around here (looks at Julie) my dad didn't show up huh Julie: nope, so I'm gonna go home an run a warm bath an either slit my wrists or drink a bottle of wine Kirsten: wine, definitely (drinks hers) Julie: good thing Kaitlin's at a sleep over, ill be blasting Bob Segar tonight Kirsten: (smiles) we'll keep our windows closed (Julie smiles) Julie: bye (walks off) Kirsten: bye (the camera pans to show Luke standing on the stairs watching Julie walk off. we then pan to show Ryan looking bored, he goes out of focus and in the background we see Marissa looking for him, she walks over to him and smiles, he smiles back) Marissa: can we just...start over Ryan: start over... (smiles) Marissa: (puts her hand out) hi I'm Marissa, you go to Harbor right Ryan: (stands) I know what your trying to do and...I cant (Marissa looks upset) I'm sorry (walks away) (Marissa closes her eyes and sits down. the camera pans to Ryan rushing out, he goes past Summer who is standing by herself. Seth comes over) Seth: um can I-can I talk to you for a second Summer: look if you want another shot I really- Seth: no, no believe me I get it, uh clearly...something's not working an it's me, an it's fine, it's my fault Summer: what're you tryin ta say? Seth: I don't know maybe in a few years you know what I mean, ill be uh...(sighs) I guess ill be ready for you I don't know but uh...in the mean time I think I'm jus gonna (nods) I'm jus gonna bow out (Summer looks sad, Seth walks away) CUT TO: The light house - Jimmy and Hailey are sitting there in the dark, the only light is coming from 2 candles at their table Jimmy: no that's not asbestos that's uh, those are called floaties Hailey: (laughs) asbestos an champagne (Jimmy laughs) what could be more romantic Jimmy: well it's a-it's a work in progress an there's (sighs) actually nothing on the menu right now but the cookies are good Hailey: (nods) this place is gonna be great Jimmy Jimmy: yeah I know-I know I-I feel like for the first time in a while that my life is uh you know its coming together, so I-I don't understand uh you know uh I thought you couldn't get outta here fast enough Hailey: yeah...until I realised I had nowhere ta go, no one ta see Jimmy: Hailey you can get stuck here, you-you-you drive down the same streets you go to the same places an it feels like time isn't passing but it is, an it'll pass you right by. you owe it to yourself get out, get free...make the life for yourself Hailey: (smiles) why do I need ta leave...your here Jimmy: (sighs) yes I am...I mean you know we-we can't Hailey: (softly) well (louder) why not Jimmy: because I feel guilty enough lying to Kirsten about the cookies led alone... Hailey: (closes her eyes) right Jimmy: (sincerely) but believe me...I wish we could Hailey: (smiles) I believe you (they both smile at each other) CUT TO: Out the front of the V. dance - Ryan is standing near the steps looking lost. Theresa comes out of the door and goes over to him Theresa: hey (Ryan turns around) you ok? (Ryan nods) cigarette? Ryan: I quit Theresa: (puts them back) Ryan Atwood...look at yourself, new clothes, new hair cut, dating the homecoming queen (Ryan motions with his head as if to say 'no, not anymore') was dating? Ryan: I guess, I don't know Theresa: (walks over & touches his hair) I like the hair cut by the way Ryan: (smiles) yeah (looks at her) Theresa: you ever think about coming home Ryan: ...sometimes, more lately...you ever think about leavin Theresa: yeah, all the time...but I don't know how Ryan: so when you took this particular catering job... Theresa: I needed the money (Ryan looks at her) and (laughs) yes (Ryan laughs) I was hoping I'd run inta you (shrugs) homes lonely these days (they both look at each other) Ryan: are you on a break? Theresa: yeah appetisers are finished I'm free until clean up Ryan: you wanna get outta here (Theresa nods, Ryan smiles) CUT TO: Inside the dance - Sandy is by himself and he sees Marissa by herself at the table crying Sandy: (walks over to her) is it ok if I hang here? Marissa: (wipes her eyes) yeah sure, of course Sandy: (sits) Valentines Day is wonderful isn't it (Marissa laughs) you know the thing about Ryan- Marissa: oh, no no this isn't...its not I-I'm fine Sandy: I know, but the thing about Ran, is whenever things have gotten tough...everyone in his life has abandoned him Marissa: yeah that's what he thinks I did Sandy: so suprise him show him you didn't, that your not gonna give up on him Marissa: he wants me to Sandy: well...only because he expects ya to, it's crazy, love is crazy, it's always challenging, it's never easy (Kirsten watches) Marissa: yeah but is it always this hard Sandy: sometimes you know but ya hang in there anyway, if your havin the worst fight in the world or even...some stupid argument that neither of you can even remember what its about, cause its...(sincerely) its worth it (Marissa nods) oh you guys have ben through so much already, why quit now (Marissa smiles) (Summer walks up) Summer: hey Mr. Cohen Sandy: hello Summer Summer: hi (to Marissa) Coop you ready ta go? Marisa: (smiles) yeah Sandy: you ok kiddo? Marissa: yeah, thanks (Summer and Marissa walk off. Sandy turns around and sees Kirsten standing there, smiling) Sandy: oh Kirsten: sometimes you make it hard ta hate you (sits on his lap) Sandy: I know, it's all-its-its all part'a my charm Kirsten: sometimes you make it easy Sandy: (laughs) charming to, no? Kirsten: mm...let's go home CUT TO: Out the front of the V. dance - Theresa pulls up in her car and Ryan gets in. we see Marissa and Summer at the front door talking to each other, Marissa sees Ryan and Theresa drive off together and she looks hurt CUT TO: The pool house - Ryan and Theresa are on the bed talking. Ryan is lying one way and Theresa the other, so they are facing each other Theresa: (laughing) then you tried'ta jump that fence an your pants got caught Ryan: I-I was pretty graceful Theresa: yeah especially when you face planted Ryan: (laughing) glad to see you enjoy my pain Theresa: (laughing) an we had no ice an we had to use that frozen bag of peas Ryan: yeah frozen vegetables, miracle cure Theresa: it's pretty amazing us running into each on Valentines Day (Ryan looks at her) (checks watch, sits up) I gotta get back, help clean up (Ryan sits up) so do you go to alotta these kinds of...events Ryan: (nods) pretty much every week Theresa: well then maybe ill run into you again (Ryan raises his eyebrows) plus, I know where you live (they smile at each other) CUT TO: Julie's house - Julie opens the front door and Luke is standing there Julie: ...oh god Luke: (nervous) I know I...shouldn't be here Julie: no you shouldn't Luke Luke: but its jus, I don't know you looked so sad when you left I couldn't bear the thought of you being alone on Valentines Day Julie: (expression softens) most people would enjoy that thought (drinks her wine) Luke: not me (Julie looks at him) Mrs. Cooper you are an amazing girl (walks closer) ...woman...lady uh an-an if Mr. Nichol doesn't appreciate you Julie: no he sure doesn't (drinks) Luke: (worked up) that's because he's-he's to old ta see what he's lucky enough ta have (Julie looks at him) an you should also know that you have always ben the coolest mom Julie: (laughs) Luke... Luke: no it's true you-you've always let us listen ta whatever we wanted to in the car pool an-an an you let us watch R rated movies an w-whenever we played ultimatum Julie: (confused) ultimatum? Luke: ...you know who of...all your friends moms would you rather do Julie: (amused) that's a game Luke: (nods) an whenever we played it...you always won Julie: (suprised) really? I beat Kirsten Luke: an I just thought you should know the truth on Valentines Day...goodnight Julie: wait (grabs his arm) uh (they look at each other) ooooh (finishes her wine) thankyou (they smile at each other, Julie walks towards him and kisses him. Luke is stunned, then closes his eyes and enjoys the kiss) Julie: (softly) would you like ta come in (Luke walks inside and Julie looks out as if she is paranoid, before shutting the door) CUT TO: Cohen house - Kirsten and Sandy come into the house and head up to their bedroom Kirsten: I guess you're happy that today is over Sandy: oh, absolutely (smiles & follows her up the stairs) (Kirsten enters their bedroom and is speechless, there are lit candles everywhere, vases of roses, rose petals cover the bed as well as a tied bunch of roses and a huge love heart shaped box of chocolates) Kirsten: (gasps, suprised) oh my god Sandy Sandy: well somebody's gotta keep Hershey's an Hallmark in business (smiles) (Kirsten walks over to the bed) Kirsten: oh (laughs) (gets on the bed and opens the box) (Sandy shoots her with Cupids arrow - aww - Kirsten jumps then realises what he did and laughs) Sandy: so you wanna be my Valentine Kirsten: yes, just as soon as I have some of these caramel chocolates there my favourite! mm Sandy: (points) there square ones, I like the ones with the nuts CUT TO: Seth's bedroom - Seth is sitting on his bed talking to Captain Oats Seth: not to rub it in man but I think princess sparkle is your type...yeah I blew it for us both...what's that...yeah are you kidding, great hooves (Seth's door opens, Summer comes in) Summer: Cohen Seth: (sits up) Summer Summer: hey um (sits next to him on the bed) (sighs) Seth: hey Summer: (stands) no (turns around and faces him) the other night...when we...had s*x Seth: yeah Summer: (sighs) (frowns) you weren't the only virgin in the room Seth: (looks around) there was someone else in the room? (softly) like, like filming us? Summer: ME jackass...I'm...a virgin (Seth looks at her confused) or I...was a virgin Seth: (shocked) ...why didn't you tell me Summer: (shrugs) I don't know uh (sits next to him) I guess...I felt like I had this reputation ta uphold an...I figured you'd think less'a me or something Seth: no! are you kidding not at all, I'm jus I'm shocked...god never in a million years did I think that you of all people (Summer glares at him) not that n...that is not what's important here (thinks) this was a huge moment in both our lives an we just blew past it Summer: really really quickly Seth: hey, not that quickly (Summer looks at him) pretty quickly yes (sighs) an it was a big deal Summer: (shrugs) I think that it shoulda ben special...an we rushed it Seth: well what if...we were ta slow it down a little bit...maybe um...start from the beginning Summer: what'do you mean? (Seth puts one finger up as if to say 'one second' he gets off the bed and puts his record player on, a version of the song 'wonderwall' begins to play. he motions for Summer to join him) Summer: (laughs) you are so cheesy, Cohen Seth: c'mon I'm sweeping you off your feet (takes her hand) Summer: (stands & sighs) well...the sad part is...you kind of are (Summer is holding him with her head on his shoulder, and Seth is holding her around her waist his head is in her hair. they are slowly moving to the music - aww. we fade to Marissa in the Cohen's backyard. she stops outside the pool house, then opens the door) Marissa: (worked up) where is she? Ryan: (on the bed) what? (stands up) Marissa: Theresa if she's here I want her to know I'm not gonna lose you...I'm not gonna give up on you Ryan: she left Marissa: (goes over to him) I'm so sorry (her hands are on his chest) Ryan: I know, (rubs her hands) I know (Marissa kisses him on the cheek, Ryan pulls her hand away from his cheek) Marissa: (crying) cant you...just forgive me Ryan: how?...I don't know if...if we should be together (Marissa looks down) I mean look how easy it was for someone to come into our lives...an come between us (Marissa looks at him helpless) how do I know it won't happen again Marissa: (goes to him) it wont...you have ta trust me Ryan: like you trusted me? Marissa: (crying) Ryan...so that's it? Ryan: ...I-I can't pretend it didn't happen (Marissa nods and rushes out, still crying, she wipes her eyes. Ryan walks to the door and watches her leave, then closes the door - fade out)
Plan: A: trust; Q: What do Ryan and Marissa need to rebuild after the incident with Oliver? A: Theresa; Q: Who comes to town and makes it hard for Ryan and Marissa to rebuild trust? A: Jimmy; Q: Who discovers he has a secret admirer? A: Luke; Q: Who spends the night with Julie? A: terms; Q: What do Seth and Summer come to with their feelings for each other? A: their relationship; Q: What do Seth and Summer consummate? Summary: Ryan and Marissa need to rebuild trust after the incident with Oliver, but it's hard when Theresa comes to town. Jimmy discovers he has a secret admirer, while Luke spends the night with Julie. Meanwhile, Seth and Summer come to terms with their feelings for each other and consummate their relationship.
At Marco and Dylan's, during Dylan's goodbye party (A friend of his gives him a hockey poster with Dylan's face on it.) Dylan's friend: Ah yeah! Dylan: That's awesome. Thanks. Marco: Is that brie? Paige: Only the best for my darling bro on the occasion of his moving to Sweden. Dylan: Your brain's clearly already redecorating my bedroom. It's Switzerland Paige, as in Zurich. Marco: Yeah as in 6497k away. Paige: James I hear you are looking for a new manager. Someone to whip Squatch Designs into shape. Jimmy: Yes Marco told you. (Paige nods.) Jimmy: Okay good so we can get together and talk about it tomorrow morning? Paige: Résumé's printed and alpha already. (Paige and Spinner smile at each other.) Ellie: Thank you for implying that I'm boring. Jesse: I wasn't implying that you're boring just because you don't like dancing, okay? Ellie: Can we not fight about this now? It's embarrassing. Alex: So you're moving in, eh? Paige: A funky downtown address to go with my hopefully new job. Chin, chin. So where is the lovely Carla tonight? Alex: Pottery class. Yeah my girlfriend ditched me to make a bowl. Paige: Well at least you have somebody. I however have been walking through a romantic desert and my feet are tired. Alex: Well don't look at me to rub them, but I'm sure we can find a hot guy or two to warm up your cool autumn nights. Paige: Well cheers to that dear cupid. (She looks at Spinner who smiles.) At the newspaper office Jesse: Paige Michalchuck. Paige: Jesse Stefanovich. You are the one I speak to about putting an add in the core? Jesse: For Jimmy and Spinner's store. Paige: Yeah you are looking at their new manager. Jesse: Congrats. Um these are our rates. Paige: Yes. Uh rates. Funny thing. There is a minor issue of cash at present. Mainly that we are lacking it. Jesse: As issues go, far from mine. Paige: Well what if I told you that in lue of cash, our designer Jimmy Brooks will design t-shirts for the Core. I'm sure you could use them for promotions and once we fix our cash flow issue, we are going to present concerts by local bands under the Squatch banner. Core could co-sponsor. Jesse: Good ideas. Great ideas. Paige: Thank you. So do we have a deal? Jesse: Count on it. (They shake hands and smile at each other.) At Degrassi Mr. Simpson: Thank you for that incisive treatise on celebrity facelifts. Next class: Liberty and Emma. Emma: Ouch. I haven't even started. Manny: Didn't know lazy was in your vocab. Emma: I'm not lazy, just distracted. Manny: Don't tell me, too many late night sessions at Casa Cameron. Emma: Keep a secret? Sean and I are taking things to the next level. Manny: Maybe you don't realize, but you've told me this before. Emma: Maybe you don't realize that this time I mean it. (She shows Manny a prescription for birth control pills.) Manny: Wow. You're not messing around sister. At the mall Alex: So I hope you're ready. Today's the first episode of Project Paige. Paige: My life is a reality TV show? Alex: In your case it's The Bachelorette and we're looking for guys hey, not the other flavour. Paige: Guys will do thank you. I like them cute, funny, worldly. Oh and to fill out a vintage rock tee just so. Alex: Sounds delish...in a hetero kind of way. Thing is Paige you've got to keep it cas'. Don't get attached to anyone. Play the field. Be a pimp. Paige: Oh I am the maddest of pimps and here comes my date. (Spinner walks over.) Alex: Spinner! Cute, funny... worldly? Paige: Lose the lesbian filter hon. He is cute and funny. It's two out of three. Give my best to dear Carla. At the newspaper office Jesse: Why is it every time I bring something up, a joke, a story idea, anything, you just shoot it down? You can be so negative, Ellie. Ellie: Guess so. Jesse: You guess so? Taurus much? Ellie: Whatever. I don't want to argue anymore. It's all we've done for weeks. Arguing was better than this. Jesse: Not to mention all the movies and dinners and laughs we used to have. Ellie: That's why we need to end this before it ruins what's left of us. Jesse: See you at the staff meeting? (She nods and leaves.) At the pharmacy (Sean is looking at condoms while Emma gets her pills.) Sean: These have sensual in the name. Is that a good thing? Emma: Uh are we really gonna do this? Sean: s*x is an expression of our intimacy and closeness. Emma: Your nose is so growing right now. (Snake sees them.) Mr. Simpson: Em! Sean! What are you doing here? Sean: Well I'm, I'm late for work. (He leaves quickly.) Mr. Simpson: Later Sean. Em are you, are you sick or...? Emma: No. It's just that...well Sean and I are...Snake! (She holds up the condoms and birth control pills.) Mr. Simpson: Oh! Oh, oh god. I'm an idiot. Sorry. Um does your mom know about this? Emma: Yeah. We had the talk. Mr. Simpson: Cool. I just you know...I, I didn't know. Emma: Well I will see you at home for dinner. Mr. Simpson: Sure thing. Later skater. At the mall (Paige and Spinner are signing up for a booth for their store.) Spinner: Thank you. Entrepreneurs fair booth 112. You played the mall lady like a drum. Paige: Thanks hon. You helped too. Spinner: No I don't have the 'Paige power of persuasion', but we make a good team, huh? (Paige kisses him.) Spinner: Not looking a horse gift in the mouth here, but what's going on? Paige: Banting was less than fun for me, so to paraphrase Sheryl Crow, I just want to have some fun. Spinner: Fun's good. It's just the last time we did this, last year...it ended weird. Paige: Because we had no ground rules. This time we do. We are just friends. Friends with a benefits package. Spinner: Those are benefits I can live with. Paige: It's the best of both worlds. Cas' is the way we rock it. At the store Alex: You said that without laughing? Paige: The moment overtook. It just felt so good to mack on Spinner with impunity. Alex: I have class with him in 20 minutes. I'll try to ignore his big, dumb grinning face. Paige: Jesse! Hey. Jesse: Hey. Uh latest edition. Add's on page 3 and I asked Nina to write a piece on you guys for her fashion column. Paige: This is wow! Thank you so much. Jesse: The Core and Squatch Designs could have a future together in business. (Alex taps her pen impatiently.) Paige: Alex! Um you know Jesse, right? Alex: Yeah you're Ellie's boyfriend. Jesse: Was. Ellie didn't tell you we broke up? Paige: She keeps to herself a lot. Jesse: Yeah she's like that. Well I've got to run. Interviewing a friend's band. Paige: How journalist of you. What are they like? Jesse: Kind of an alt-country vibe. Yeah they're playing tonight, campus club. If you're into it, you should come. (Paige nods and shrieks excitedly after he leaves.) At Emma's house Mr. Simpson: So I ran into Emma at the pharmacy today with Sean, picking up birth control. You know, the pill? Spike: Really? (She keeps eating.) Mr. Simpson: Right. She told me she asked you. Spike: Well we had the talk a while ago. I told her to go on the pill whenever she was ready. Mr. Simpson: And I was left out of this conversation, why? Don't we talk about these types of things as a family? Spike: I wasn't sure if you could handle this type of thing or if you'd even want to. It's a woman thing. Mr. Simpson: It's a parent thing and I want to contribute. Emma: You contribute delicious nutritious dinners nightly. (Snake doesn't say anything.) Emma: Kidding! Mr. Simpson: Uh Emma you uh, you lied to me this afternoon. Emma: I didn't lie! There's just some things you don't need to know, okay? Mr. Simpson: Oh well pardon me for being concerned about my teenage daughter who's made mistakes and feels the need to hide things from me. Emma: Step-daughter! Mr. Simpson: Whatever. I deserve to be a part of your life! (Emma walks away.) Mr. Simpson: Hey. Spike: Snake this is exactly why sometimes you aren't. Emma, wait! Emma: I'm meeting Sean. Don't wait up. (She leaves and Spike looks at Snake.) At the concert Jesse: Really in the pocket. Like in the groove. Paige: I, I like how relaxed they are. Jesse: Totally vibe-ing off each other. Paige: In the moment, yes! It is the only way to be. Hey let's dance. Jesse: Sure. (They start dancing.) Jesse: This is good. I almost forgot what it feels like. Ellie hated dancing. Paige: Well it's too bad because you are a natural. Move over Antonio Banderas. Jesse: Ain't seen nothing yet, Michalchuk. [SCENE_BREAK] At the store Paige: Thank you. Alex: Tell me again why you need me to model at the dumb fair. Paige: Because Marco looks lousy in pink. Alex: So uh you and Jesse dancing up a storm last night. Did it end there? Paige: There was coffee at his place. Had an amazing convo...and then some other stuff. Alex: And bachelor #1 knows about bachelor #2, IE Spinner? Paige: Bachelors 1 and 2 both know the score. As a matter of fact, I am seeing them both tonight. Alex: Oh ménage Paige. Paige: Not quite. Spinner is my 7:00 and Jesse's my 9. Alex: Hey you uh wanna come to my place when you're done for a post-game wrap-up? We got the good ice cream. Paige: Sure hon. Love to. (They look in the mirror and Paige puts her arms around Alex.) Paige: Pretty in pink. Just like the movie. In the media immersion room Emma: Hey. Thought we could maybe talk. Mr. Simpson: Emma my server blew a hard drive. Emma: Look I'm sorry about last night, but I'm old enough to make my own decisions. Hello?! I'm trying to have a conversation here. Mr. Simpson: Emma! No hard drive means no server means no classes for the day. I need to handle this right now. Emma: 'Cause you obviously can't handle the fact that I'm a sexual being and you can't keep avoiding it forever. At Spinner's (Paige and Spinner are making out.) Paige: Oh not that this isn't fun, but I really need to get going. Spinner: Gotta go see the other guy, Jesse Stupid-face. Paige: Spinner you know the deal. Spinner: Yeah I know. It's just being with you feels so right and I always go by my feelings. Paige: Spin don't trust your feelings, okay? Feelings are the enemy. Honey, sweetie you are clearly new to the ways of friends with benefits. Maybe it's better if we just stop. Spinner: No. No it's cool. I'll, I'll get used to it. Paige: See you at the fair tomorrow. (She kisses him goodbye.) At a club (Jesse is reading Paige's palm.) Jesse: Like what I'm seeing here. Lots of adventures. Paige: Of the freshman flameout kind? Kind of on 'adulthood: take 2'. Jesse: Really? I did that two years ago and thought everything was ruined, but it kind of opens up the road, you know? Paige: That is exactly how I feel. Just hit the gas and go. Jesse: Totally! But I'm a cautious driver. Paige: Let's dance, okay? Show me some more of those moves. Jesse: Okay. (They start dancing.) At the fashion show Paige: Afternoon Ms. Nuñez. Ready to rock the catwalk with insouciant smile? Alex: Yeah whatever. Let's just get it over with. Paige: Um is it everyone hates Paige day? Alex: Maybe seeing it was ditch Alex and don't even call her last night. Paige: Hon I forgot. I'm sorry. (She looks at Marco.) Paige: Babe could you just straighten our sign a bit? Alex: Don't tell me your 9:00 with Jesse became a 10, then an 11, 12, 1... Paige: I said I'm sorry. It's just I think things are becoming a bit more than cas' with Jesse. He's kind of special. Alex: Rush into stuff much? Pathetic Paige. Pathetic. In the media immersion classroom Liberty: Hence the inevitability of environmental collapse. Thank you. Mr. Simpson: Okay. Thanks Liberty. Uh Emma you're up. (Emma starts her presentation.) Mr. Simpson: Your theme? Emma: Women and s*x. More specifically it's about how men have stifled women's sexual expression throughout history. Manny: Right on sister. Emma: When men think of girls, this is what they see... (She shows a picture of herself looking completely innocent.) Emma: But when confronted with something like this... (She shows a couple steamy pictures of herself and Sean.) Emma: A healthy natural expression of physical intimacy, men can't handle it...at all. They feel free to ride their instincts, but when women stand up and declare their right to be sexual, it's this... (She shows a picture of herself with tape covering her mouth.) Emma: A typical double standard. Men don't want to hear it. At the fashion show Paige: Are you sure you want to model Jimmy's fab designs with that un-fab pout? Spinner: I'm not pouting. Okay I am, but Paige here's the deal. I need all of you or none at all. Paige: Babe I'm sorry. I should have known this would happen. It's just ultimatums make me itchy. Spinner: It's not an ultimatum Paige, but if you don't break it off with Jesse right now, we're through. Paige: And now I'm itchy. Don't make me choose. You won't like my choice. Spinner: Then you pick stupid Jesse with his stupid hair and his stupid shirts and his stupid face! Alex: Five minute warning and you've got a visitor Paige. Paige: Jesse um what a crazy surprise. Jesse: Wanted to wish you luck and get a quote for the Core. Paige: Now is not such a great time hon. Spinner: Yeah go drink a latte, emo boy. Paige: Spinner could we please be grown up about this? Spinner: Yeah. No. Get out of here loser. Jesse: Oh I'm a loser? Okay Spinner. Spinner: You'll be cursing my name when I kick your ass. (They keep arguing as Paige starts having a panic attack and Alex calms her down.) Alex: Come on aim for 10. 1, 2, 3. That's it. Spinner: I mean whatever. You suck! Alex: Will you both shut up?! You go stand out front. You go put on the rest of your outfit and a smile because we have to go model these freaking clothes. Clear?! Paige: Alex. Alex: Save it. (Alex storms off.) At Emma's house Emma: Got a minute for someone who's mean, cruel and hurtful? Mr. Simpson: I have all the time in the world because you are none of those things. Emma: I'm sorry for what I did in class. I know it kind of hurt. Mr. Simpson: It's fine because you were right and your presentation, by the way, was good. Not very subtle, but good. Emma I've known you since you were in a stroller and the idea of you growing up, it's...it's a trip. Emma: For me too! I mean I'll be moving away, going to university. I'm not a little kid anymore. Mr. Simpson: I just thought this was going to be easier. I guess I better get used to it. Emma: So dad, do you want to have the talk? Mr. Simpson: You know what? I think I'm good. At the Dot Jimmy: Well here's to our first fireworks-filled fashion show, but hey three new buyers came through. Cheers! Paige: So Spin spoke to me after the show. All apologies for freaking out, but we both know that it just, it wasn't mean to be. But Jesse is still into the cas' thing, so what say you wise counsel? Alex: I say they both suck and for that matter, so do you. (Alex leaves and Paige follows her.) Paige: You know what Alex? You suck too. Alex: Sorry! Paige: Oh your apology is killing me with its plaintive sincerity! Alex: God I hate your thesaurus. Paige: And I hate how you're acting right now. Why are you doing this? (Alex kisses her.) Alex: Because I love you, you idiot. So much it scares the crap out of me. Paige: Why? Just why did you tell me to go on all those dates?! Alex: Because I thought you being cas' with guys was nothing serious and a lot better than you with some other girl. Paige: I just can't with you right now. I really do...I really have to go back inside. Scenes for next week Spinner: Every cent I had went into the store. Marco: Don't worry. I have a plan. Voiceover: A get-rich-quick scheme. Spinner: This is your plan? Playing online poker? Voiceover: Becomes a dangerous addiction. Marco: Everybody goes bust. Spinner: You just lost $1100! Voiceover: That threatens to destroy a friendship forever. Police officer: Is this a friend of yours? Spinner: No. (Marco is being led away in handcuffs.)
Plan: A: her pre-Banting glory; Q: What is Paige trying to return to? A: casual dates; Q: What type of dates does Paige go on with Spinner and Jesse? A: newly-single Jesse; Q: Along with Spinner, with whom does Paige go on dates? A: Alex; Q: Who is jealous of Paige's dates? A: Snake; Q: Who is not comfortable with Sean and Emma's level of intimacy? Summary: In an attempt to return to her pre-Banting glory, Paige goes on casual dates with both Spinner and newly-single Jesse, which makes Alex jealous. Meanwhile, Snake isn't comfortable with Sean and Emma's level of intimacy.
Sandollar Productions, Kuzui Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television and the WB Television Network. [SCENE_BREAK] Night, in front of the cinema. Marquee: Le Banquet D'Amelia. Buffy and Angel walk out amidst other moviegoers. Buffy: Well. Angel: Well. Buffy: That was very ... artistic. Angel: Yeah. Buffy: Wasn't what I expected. I've never actually seen... Well, from the title I thought it was about food. Angel: Well there was food. Buffy: Right. The, the scene with the, the food. So, feel like getting some hot chocolate? Or some cold shower? Angel: I'm sorry. I wanted to take you out somewhere fun. It's been a long time since I've been to the movies. They changed. Buffy: A little scary. And a little not, which is also scary. I'm sorry. I just, I don't like getting you worked up like that. We can't actually do any of those things. You'd lose your soul. Besides, I don't even own a kimono. Angel: Buffy, you don't have to worry about me. Buffy: Just don't like to rub your nose in it. Suddenly wondering where that expression comes from. Angel: Look, I don't need to see movies to get worked up. Just being around you does that just fine. Doesn't mean that I'm gonna lose control, that I'm going to be frustrated around you. It feels nice, just to feel. Buffy: It doesn't drive you crazy, when we're close? Angel: Watch this. (long kiss) See? Safe as houses. (more kisses) Faith: Check out the lust bunnies. Buffy: Patrol? Faith nods. Angel: Council has you back on active duty? Faith: Finally. They want us down by Mercer. Buffy: Okay. (to Angel) Goodnight. Angel: I'll see you soon. Faith: Don't worry, big guy. Just keeping her warm for you. Faith and Buffy leave, arm in arm. Cut to a cemetary. Buffy and Faith walk together. Faith: Gotta tell you, B. The willpower thing, nice job. Buffy: Thanks. Faith: But, the close but no cigar thing with Angel. I don't know if I could handle, you know, the way you're not handling it. Buffy: Faith, when it comes to Angel, do me a favor. Duck! Faith ducks and Buffy punches a demon behind her. Demon: Ow! Ooh! What are you, nuts? Going around punching people? Buffy pulls off its hat to reveal two horns growing out of its forehead. Buffy: People? Demon: So what, I'm a demon. That makes it okay? Both Slayers ready their stakes. Demon: Hold it, whoa! Stake me now, and you never find out what I got for ya, huh? Think about it. Demon seeks Slayers, highly unusual? Faith: Talk fast. Demon: How would you like to get your hands on the Books of Ascension? Buffy: Never heard of 'em. Demon: Books of Ascension. Very powerful works and I'm not talking about the prose. They deal with some, ah, dark stuff. And the Mayor (Faith frowns) would hate for somebody to get ahold before he, ah, well you know. Buffy: Don't know. Before he what? Demon: Hey, hey, read 'em and weep. That's all I got to say. Tomorrow, I get the books. Meet me here and if the price is right, well I give the books to you. Buffy: Not really looking to trade with a demon. Demon: And if this were still a barter economy, that would be a problem. I want cash, princess, five large for the whole set. Faith: So you can buy, I'm guessing here, some skin care products. Demon: Plane ticket. Out of the Hellmouth before its adios, Slayer Loco. So, five G's, what do you say? Faith: I think "Die Fiend" sums it up, wouldn't you say. The Demon jumps between them and runs away. Buffy: Oh, let him go. I don't think he falls into the deadly threat to humanity category. Faith: A demon's a demon. Buffy: I'd like to know about these Books of Ascension. Anything that would pin the Mayor down would be great. Faith: Yeah. It'd be great. Opening credits. [SCENE_BREAK] Mayor's office. Faith sits. The Mayor paces. Mayor: And what exactly did this demon look like? Faith: Demonic? Mayor: Ah. And you say he has the Books of Ascension, or will soon, and he was, what, willing to sell them? Faith: That's what I said. Mayor: Hmm. You know what I wish? I wish you'd pull your hair back. I know, I know, fashion's not exactly my thing, but, gosh darn it, you know, you've got such a nice face. I can't understand why you hide it. Faith: Yeah, sure. Whatever. It's just a matter of time before this demon guy is gonna spill. Then Buffy and the superfriends are gonna... Mayor: You know, you worry too much for a girl for your age. That's unnecessary stress. Luckily, I've got just the thing. The Mayor pours a glass of milk and hands it to Faith. Mayor: There you go. Now, first you load up on calcium. Then find this demon, kill the heck out of him, and bring the books to me. Faith looks at the milk and sets the glass down, untouched. Faith: And if Buffy gets to him first? Mayor: Oh, well. Frankly I don't like to think about that. I like good, positive, up thoughts. If you fail me in that way. Well, you know, replacing Mr. Trick was chore enough. (chuckles) Oh, come on, don't worry. Drink up. There's nothing uncool about healty teeth and bones. [SCENE_BREAK] In the library. Buffy, Xander, and Willow sit at the table. Wesley stands by it. Giles stands in the door of his office. Wesley: And you say this demon wanted cash? That's very unusual. Giles: Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore. Buffy: Well, he said the books were worth the price. Xander: What's this Ascenscion mean? Wesley looks at Giles. Giles: I'm not sure. Wesley: No, not really a common term in demonology. Willow: Ooh ooh! The Marenschadt Text. I think in the section on genocide, they mention Ascenscion. Buffy: Well, we have a winner. Xander: And, more importantly, two losers. Giles: Where did you find that volume? Willow: In the top of your book cabinet with the stuff you try to keep hidden. Giles disappears into his office to get the book. Xander: Hidden? Are there any engravings I should know about? Uh, frolicking nymphs of some kind? Willow: No. Just magic secrets Giles doesn't think I'm ready for. Giles returns with the book. Giles: Ah, yes, yes, here we are. There's a reference here to the journal of Desmond Kane, pastor of a town called Sharpsville. "May 26, 1723. Tomorrow is the Ascenscion. God help us all." It was the last anyone heard. Wesley: Of Kane? Giles: Of Sharpsville. The town more or less disappeared. Buffy: So Ascenscion possibly not a love-in. Giles: I think you should meet with this demon, Buffy. Buffy: Yeah? Anybody got five thousand dollars? Cordelia enters and approaches Wesley. Cordelia: I have something important to ask you. Xander: Important? Let's start calculating those odds, people. Cordelia: What are you doing Friday night? Wesley: Uh, I, uh, as always my sacred duty as a Watcher prevents me from, ah... Why? Cordelia: I have a paper to write for English and you're English, so I thought ... (sees the looks from Buffy and Xander) What? Is it so wrong to be getting an insider's perspective? (to Wesley) I study best in a good restaurant, around eightish? Think it over? Wesley is speechless. Cordelia exits. Xander: And on the day the words "flimsy excuse" were redefined, we stood in awe and watched. Wesley: Right! Books of Ascenscion, Mayor, slaughter. Tell you what. Why don't we try to find this demon sooner rather than later? Perhaps persuade him to lend us the books free of charge. Buffy: I think Faith might be useful in that persuasion part. Wesley: I imagine so. Where is Faith anyway? [SCENE_BREAK] The demon is frantically packing a suitcase. Faith kicks open the door of the room. Demon: Hey, Slayer! You know, I wasn't expecting company. Give me a minute and I'll have the place tidied up for you. Faith: You got the books? Demon: Well, that depends. You got my money? Faith slugs him. Demon: You're tough in negotiations and I respect that. Check 'em out. Now ah, that is quality merchandise. That's worth five grand easy. Faith: Books of Ascenscion. Demon: Mm hmm. Original editions and everything. Uh, great condition. Okay, it's a little worn on one spine, some slight foxing, but otherwise, perfect. Now, the five grand, it's ah, you know, negotiable. Faith: I don't like to haggle. She pulls a knife and stabs the demon. He struggles, they roll on the floor, but she finally kills him. She stares at the blood on her hands. [SCENE_BREAK] Night, in Angel's mansion. Angel is reading. Faith enters. Angel: Faith. Faith: Angel. I got nowhere else to go. Look, I hate asking for help, but I'm asking, cause, uh, I'm in trouble. I'm in trouble. The real bad kind. Angel: It's okay. Faith: No, it's a couple of county lines over from okay, believe me. Angel: Look, just talk. Come on. Start from the beginning. Faith: Mind if I skip past the 'mom never loved me' part and get right to it? I'm scaring myself. Angel: I know the feeling. Faith: That's why I came to you. I don't want to get all twelve steppy, but remember when you told me that killing people would make me feel like some kind of god? (shows him her bloody hands) I think I just came down to earth. It's not human if that's what you're thinking. Not that that makes me feel any better or this guy any less dead. Angel: Faith, you need help. You can't do this alone. Faith: I know. For real now, I'm scared. Scared of what I am, what I'm turning into. Cold-blooded straight up killer. Like you. Angel: Not like me. I didn't have a choice. But you do. You can stop this. Faith: Believe me, I don't want to end up the way everybody said I would, dead or alone or a loser. Angel: No, you don't have to. Faith: I don't know. Maybe it's too late for me. Angel: It's not. Faith: Angel, I'm so scared. (hugs him) Angel: It's alright, shh, it's okay. They hug for a moment, then as they part, they hesitate, almost kissing. Angel pulls away. Angel: Whoa. Faith, I, look, I can be here for you. But not like that, alright? I'm with Buffy. Faith: Buffy, yeah. I didn't mean it like that. Maybe I did, but I wouldn't press it. You love her, don't you. Angel: I love her. Faith: Good for you. The two of you, you're lucky. Friends? Angel: Yeah, we're friends. Faith: Then I'm lucky too. I'd better go. Angel: Where? Faith: I need to cool down. Spend some time alone. Don't worry about me. You've been a big help. Just knowing somebody cares. Hey, I know I shouldn't be asking this, but do you think if things were different that things between you and me would be different, too? Angel: We'll never know. Faith: Right. How could we? Angel: Take care of yourself. Faith: Lifetime of practice. Faith kisses Angel on the cheek, then leaves. Buffy appears outside the mansion in time to see the kiss. [SCENE_BREAK] Night, in Faith's new apartment. Faith: It's not like I wasn't trying, okay? Mayor: Hey, there's no need to convince me. I'm sure you gave it your level best. I just don't understand what that boy could be thinking? Faith: Try Buffy Summers, like in a big, fat, one track way. Mayor: Hey, come on, don't be discouraged. You're a bright, young, energetic girl with a whole life ahead of her. And I won't tolerate brooding. So you couldn't give him that one moment of true happiness. Faith: I was thinking more along the lines of a long weekend, but okay. Mayor: And he spurns your advances. So be it. There's more than one way to skin a cat. And I happen to know that's factually true. We want to take Angel's soul away. If we can't do it by giving him happiness, well, by golly, we'll just have to do it in the most painful way imaginable. Fade to commercial. [SCENE_BREAK] In the library. Wesley: Find anything? Giles: Six course banquet of nothing with a scoop of sod-all as a palate closer. Wesley: I've had no better luck. There must be something about this Ascescion somewhere. Giles: Perhaps I should contact the Council, maybe run a search... Wesley: No. I don't, uh, it should be I that ... The Council isn't entirely aware that I'm letting you work for me (off Giles's look) um, with me. I don't think they'd be very happy at the idea of the two of us collaborating. Giles: Well I wasn't about to burst into glorious song about it myself. Why don't you call? Buffy enters, dispirited. Wesley: I think the most expedient plan would be to find these Books of Ascenscion themselves. Buffy, you and Faith must find this demon, and soon. Buffy: Well, I'll go back to the scene, see if I can track him. Wesley: Wait for Faith. Buffy: That could be hours. The girl makes Godot look punctual. I'll just go myself. Wesley: Buffy, this is a job for the both of you. This demon could be anywhere. Giles gives Buffy a look of concern. Wesley: If these books are important as he says, he has good reason to hide. (Xander enters) Finding him is going to be extremely difficult. Xander: Found your demon. Buffy: Fashion tip, Wes. Mouth looks better closed. Xander: Got the address. (hands Buffy a slip of paper) I beat it out of Willy the snitch personally. Buffy: You beat up Willy? Xander: Sure! Well, actually, let's just say I applied some pressure. Or more accurately, that I asked politely, and then, uh, okay, I bribed him. Buffy: How much? Xander: Twenty-eight bucks. (to Giles) Does the Council reimburse for that kind of stuff? Giles: Did you get a receipt? Xander: Damn. Buffy: I know this. It's down by the bus station. Not the nicest part of town. Giles: Again. See, no standards. I mean, any self-respecting demon should be living in a pit of filth or a nice crypt. Buffy: I'll remember to mention that. Faith enters. Faith: Mention what? Where we going, girlfriend? Buffy: (pulls her arm away from Faith) Actually, I can handle this one solo. Faith: Why should you get to have all the fun? Share, share, that's fair, right? Buffy: Right. Got our demon. Faith: Oh, well, let's go look him up. Buffy marches away and Faith follows her. Xander: Is it me or did it just get really cold in here? [SCENE_BREAK] Buffy and Faith enter the demon's room. Buffy: Faith, careful. Faith: Right. Buffy: Missed you last night. Faith: Yeah, I was patrolling. No shortage of scum you gotta watch in Sunnydale, right? Buffy: So I've heard. Faith reaches around a doorway for a light switch without looking. Buffy notices but doesn't say anything. They see the body. Buffy: Looks like somebody got here first. Faith: Betting they got the books, too. Some hit. Buffy: This wasn't just a hit. This was somebody's idea of a party. Faith: Maybe the guy put up a fight. We gotta get going. Come on, nothing we can do here now. You coming? [SCENE_BREAK] Daylight. In the Mayor's office. Across from him sits a mage concealed behind Bedouin robes. Only his eyes and upper nose are visible. The eyes seem serpentine. Mayor: Mint? Didn't think so. Well, scheduling a man of your talents is quite the chore, I'll tell you. Between the chanting and the sacrifice, oh, my golf game is shot. But heeere you are. You know why I've summoned you. Can you do it? (Mage nods) Need anything from me? (Mage shakes his head) Mage: You have risked great danger in calling on me. The deadliest magics are needed to rob this creature of its soul. Mayor: Big job alright. Mage: And so it shall be done. Mayor: Oh, that's just swell. Listen, you sure you don't want any? Cause they're, they're low calorie. Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Daylight. In a school lounge. Buffy and Willow sit together on a couch. Willow: Are you okay? You seem a little on edge. Is there anything that's wrong? Buffy: It's nothing. (Willow looks) It's nothing. (Willow looks) Alright, alright, stop with the third degree. It's Faith. Willow: What about her? Buffy: I went to Angel's last night and Faith was there. They looked sort of intimate. Willow: No way. I know what you're thinking and no way! Buffy: You're right. Faith would never do that. Willow: Faith would totally do that. Faith was built to do that. She's the do that girl. Buffy: Comfort, remember comfort, here? Willow: I mean, please, does Angel come up to Faith's standards for a guy? Let's see, is he breathing? Buffy: Actually, no. Willow: But Buffy, Angel. There's no way he would ever do that. I mean, you're the only thing in the world to him. Buffy: Sometimes I wonder. Angel and Faith have a lot in common. And there's so much he doesn't tell me. Willow: But it's so clear the way he feels about you. Buffy, I too know the love of a taciturn man and you have to look at their actions. Buffy: I was. Willow: Well, what did he say? Buffy: Say? You mean when I straightforwardly asked him what was going on? Willow: So you bailed? Buffy: I couldn't. I mean, not ... Willow: Enough. Stop with the crazy. Go talk to Angel. Buffy: But I ... Willow: No. Go. I give you leave to go. (points her finger away) Buffy: Thank you. Buffy leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] Night. In Angel's mansion. Faith enters. Angel: Faith. Faith: Hey. Sorry to bust in uninvited. Angel: What do you want. Faith: Look, I'm not so good at apologies. Mostly because I think the world's out to screw me so I'm generally more owed than owing. But I've been thinking about last night and I want you to know I was really sorry. Angel: It's alright, Faith. Faith: No, it's not alright. Yeah, I was freaked and needed somebody, but you're with Buffy. I should know better. Angel: Yeah, okay. When Faith gets within arm's reach, Angel backs away. Faith: You don't trust me. Angel: It's not that. Faith: Hey, no problem. Join the club. She turns her back. He approaches her. Angel: Look, Faith. I know what you're going through, alright, and how hard it can be. It's important you have somebody who's been there and who understands what you're going through. (He grasps Faith by the shoulders and turns her around.) Look, I want to trust you. Faith: Chump. She has a vial of blood in her hand and splashes it on his chest. Out of the shadows steps the Mage. His skin is blue and his eyes shine yellow. He starts chanting a spell. Angel: Faith! Faith: I wanted to do this the old-fashioned way, but hey, your loss. Lucky I've got some tricks Buffy don't know yet. Angel: You don't have to do this. Faith: I know, but it's fun. Now relax, it'll be over soon. The Mage continues chanting. Lights flow from his hand and congeal around Angel's body. The lights fade and the Mage disappears into the shadows. Angel falls to the floor. He gets up and his face is vamped. Angel and Faith kiss. Fade to commercial. [SCENE_BREAK] The kiss continues. Angel: Thanks, so much. (slaps Faith away) It's good to have the taste of a Slayer back in my mouth. It's like cigarettes, you know, just when I thought I'd quit. (kicks Faith in the side) No, don't get up. It's good to be back in Sunnydale. Nice climate, plenty to eat, no tortured humanity to hold me down. (Faith flips herself up.) But you know what bothers me? (Angel grabs her by the neck) You don't seem to be getting the big picture here, Faith. Now I don't know why you turned me, but I'm just glad you did. Faith breaks free and kicks him away. She pulls out a stake. Faith: I've got my reasons. Angel: Let me guess. You summoned back the true Angelus because you need a new boy toy. Doesn't work that way. They exchange blows. They stand, Angel holding Faith's stake arm up. Faith: You wanna be smart? You listen to me. Angel: Funny thing about vampires, Faith. We don't establish meaningful dialogue with Slayers. Faith: Not how Buffy tells it. Faith kicks him in the knee, driving him to the ground, and jumps astride him, threatening him with the stake. Angel: (chuckles) I should have known you'd like it on top. Faith: You want to listen or you want to die? Angel: As long as you're there, I mostly want you to wriggle. But I'm listening. Faith: Last time you got like this, Buffy kicked your ass all the way back to hell. You want to do better this time? Angel: Still listening. (his face shifts to human) Faith: Good boy. Now all you got to do is play nice and call truce and I'll hook you up with the real power in this town. Interested? Angel: Very. Faith: Then get ready to meet the new boss. They kiss. [SCENE_BREAK] In the library. Buffy, Willow, Oz, Xander, and Cordelia (really bored) sit at the table. Wesley stands in front. Giles stands in the background. Wesley: Our enemy has us at a disadvantage. We seem to be consistently one step behind him. Now he has the Books of Ascenscion. We must take definitive action. Cordelia: You have the greatest voice. Have you ever thought about doing books on tape? Xander: Way to focus CC. Wesley: Yes, let's, uh, let's try to stay on track. We need everyone working together here. Where's Angel? Buffy: I don't know. I went to the mansion but he wasn't there. Wesley: And Faith? Buffy: She's missing too. Willow: Which means nothing. Two unconnected events. Buffy: What should we do? Giles: Buffy, I think you should try to retrieve the Books of Ascenscion. Check out the Mayor's office but be damned careful. Do not confront the Mayor. We don't know a thing about him. Buffy: I'll go home and stock up on weapons. Slip into something a little more break-and-enterish. Giles: Right. Willow, how far did you get with the Mayor's files? Cordelia: Excuse me, I believe Wesley is running this meeting. Wesley: It's, uh, it's quite alright. Willow? Willow: It's all bad news. By the time I got through the encryptions, the files were empty. Guess he saw me coming. Oz: What about the Hall of Records? Go to the source. Wesley: Good idea. There must be information on the Mayor there. Giles: Wesley, why don't you take the group and start looking? Wesley: Right. Cordelia: (pops up) I'm in Wesley's group. Giles: There is just the one group. Cordelia: Yes! And I am in it. Xander: Anyone mind if I skip the trip? I'm gonna cruise town, keep my ear to the ground, and I think five's a crowd. Cordelia: It really is. Oz: I'll drive. Willow: (proud of Oz) They liked your plan. Giles: Anyone finds anything, check in with me. (to Buffy) Be careful. [SCENE_BREAK] In the Mayor's office. The Mayor sits behind his desk. Faith and Angel stand in front of it. Faith: So, can I keep him? Mayor: Let's just take things step by step for the moment. Now then, Angelus, may I call you Angel? Angel: Well, actually, I'm thinking more along the lines of you calling me Master. Mayor: (unfazed) Ah. You know, Angelus, attitude may get you attention, but courtesy wins respect. (chuckles) I am the one responsible for your new attitude. Angel picks up a letter opener, drags it across the desk surface. He starts prowling around the office. Angel: That's why I'm here. Mayor: No problems with the transition? No side effects? Angel: Had a soul, now I'm free. Mayor: That's terrific! Poetic too. Not that I read much poetry except for those little ones in the Reader's Digest. You know, some of those are quite catchy. (chuckles) Angel: Hey, I don't mean to rush things here but are you trying to get to some kind of point? Mayor: Kids today. Rush rush rush. Well the point, Angel, is you're a very powerful young man, good for Faith, and there just may be future for you in Sunnydale. I see you're admiring my letter opener. Angel: Well, actually, I was thinking of stabbing you through the heart with it. The Mayor turns his chair to face Angel and spreads his hands. Mayor: Please do. Angel throws the blade at the Mayor's chest. The Mayor brings his right hand in front of it and the blade embeds itself up to the handle though his palm. Mayor: Nice shot. The Mayor pulls the blade out of his hand and holds his palm up so they can see the wound heal itself in seconds. Mayor: You see, I'm what you might call impervious. Can't be killed, or harmed in any way. (wipes the blade with a tissue) And that's just a cornerstone in my plans for this great town of ours. Angel: Mmmm. Can't be killed, but you don't like germs? Mayor: Uck, eew, awful things, unsanitary. But my question is, now that Faith has brought you back, what are your intentions? Angel: Well, gee, sir, I thought I'd find that Slayer that's given you so much trouble and torture, maim, and kill her. Mayor: Fine! You know it's nice to see you're not one of those slacker types running around town today. Torture Buffy. Killing her's fine, just make it a slow one. Angel: My favorite kind. Mayor: Wonderful, wonderful. We don't want a replacement Slayer anytime soon. They can't all turn out like my girl Faith. (Faith smiles) Have fun. Faith: Let's do it. Mayor: Uh, try to have her home by eleven. Angel and Faith leave. Mayor: She's not a little girl anymore. [SCENE_BREAK] Night. Xander is walking in a deserted street. Xander: I love when you talk, Wesley. I love when you sing, Wesley. Can you say the words jailbait, Wesley? Limey b*st*rd. (sees Angel and Faith approach) Hey guys! Man, where you been? You gotta find Buffy. She's going to her place and stocking up on ... Angel casually smacks Xander in the jaw without breaking stride. Xander falls limply to the ground. Faith doesn't even look at him. Angel: That guy just bugs me. [SCENE_BREAK] Night. Angel knocks on Buffy's front door and Joyce opens it. Joyce: Faith. Angel. Angel: Hi, Joyce, nice to see you. Is Buffy home? Joyce: Upstairs. Please tell me it's not some vampire thing. Angel: The only vampire here is me, Joyce. Say, you change your hair? Joyce: (shrugs) Highlights. Angel: Nice. Cut to Buffy's room. She's loading a bag with weapons. Faith and Angel enter. Faith: Knock knock. Buffy: Where have you guys been? Angel: Been looking for you. Good thing we found you before we left. (kisses the top of Buffy's head) Faith: We got the books. Angel: They're at the mansion. Faith: We'd take 'em to Giles ourselves, but I think strength in numbers is the way to go. Come on. Angel: (Takes the weapons bag) Let me get those for you. Cut to the mansion. The trio enters. Buffy: Okay, let's get the books someplace safe. Where are they? Angel: Actually, there's been a slight change in plan, Buff. Buffy: Buff? You just called ... What's the matter with you? Faith stands back and watches the show with a little smile. Angel: Nothing. (his face has vamped) Matter of act, I haven't felt this good in a long time. Buffy: Angel? Angel: You know, I never properly thanked you for sending me to hell. Buffy: No. Angel: Yeah, and I'm just wondering where do I start? Card? Fruit basket? Evisceration? (grasps Buffy's arms) Buffy: No. Angel: Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Maybe there's still some good deep down inside of me that remembers and loves you. If only you could reach me. Then again, we have reality. Buffy breaks away from him. Buffy: I will kill you before I let you touch me. Faith, we need to get out of here, now. Faith: Speak for yourself, B. Me, I like it here. Angel growls and Buffy turns to him. He knocks her out with a roundhouse blow. Angel: One thing I learned about Buffy, she's so cute when she's sleeping. Fade to commercial. [SCENE_BREAK] In the Hall of Records. Wesley, Cordelia, and Willow sit at a table pouring over books. Cordelia: Hey! I know a way to make investigating the Mayor even more boring. On second thought, no, I don't. Oz brings a book to the table with an old picture of the Mayor. Oz: Hey, whoa. Willow: Whoa. Big hey whoa. Guys, check this out. Wow, like father, like son. They compare a shiny new photo of the Mayor with the old photo. Oz: How about like exact same guy, like exact same guy? Wesley: Mayor Wilkins is over one hundred years old. He's not human. Xander enters. Xander: I, uh, hate to spoil the mood, but this is so much worse than you think. Willow: Xander, what happened to you? Xander: You know how some people hate to say I told you so? Not me. I told you so. Angel's back in the really bad sense, and uh, I told you so. Wesley: Angelus has turned? Xander, this is terribly serious. Are you sure? Xander: Gee, let me think. Kind of hard to tell. Last thing I remember was his fist. Wesley: We must contact Giles immediately. Xander: Good thinking. Let's waste time with a lively debate. Leave Buffy alone. See how dead she gets. Cordelia: Slow down, Xander. This isn't Wesley's fault. Xander: Actually, it is. Faith was your responsibility. Guess who's Angel's new playmate? Willow: Faith and Angel? Together? Xander: Imagine the possibilities. [SCENE_BREAK] In the mansion. Angel (human face) is chaining Buffy to the wall. Faith watches. Angel: Morning, sleepyhead. You know what I just can't believe? All of our time together and we never tried chains. Well, can't dwell on the past, especially with the future we have ahead. Faith: Bondage looks good on you, B. The outfit's all wrong, but, hey! Buffy: You don't know what you're doing. Faith: Really? Weird, because something about all this just feels so right. Maybe it's one of those unhappy childhood things. See, when I was a kid I used to beg my mom for a dog. Didn't matter what kind. I just wanted, you know, something to love. (kisses Angel) A dog's all I wanted. Well, that and toys. (lifts a blanket to reveal torture instruments) But mom was so busy, you know, enjoying the drinking and passing out parts of life, that I never really got what I wanted, until now. Buffy: Faith, listen to me very closely. Angel's a killer. When he's done with me, he'll turn on you. Angel: She's right. I probably will. Faith: Yeah? Hunh. Guess we'll just have to keep you around for a while then. Before we get started, I just want you to know, if you're a screamer, feel free. Buffy: Why, Faith? What's in it for you? Faith: What isn't? You know, I come to Sunnydale. I'm the Slayer. I do my job kicking ass better than anyone. What do I hear about everywhere I go? Buffy. So I slay, I behave, I do the good little girl routine. And who's everybody thank? Buffy. Buffy: It's not my fault. Faith: Everybody always asks, why can't you be more like Buffy? But did anyone ever ask if you could be more like me? Angel: I know I didn't. Faith: You get the Watcher. You get the mom. You get the little Scooby gang. What do I get? Jack squat. This is supposed to be my town! Buffy: Faith, listen to me! Faith: Why? So you can impart some special Buffy wisdom, that it? Do you think you're better than me? Do you? Say it, you think you're better than me. Buffy: I am. Always have been. Faith: Um, maybe you didn't notice. Angel's with me. Buffy: And how did you get him, Faith? Magic? Cast some sort of spell? Cause in the real world, Angel would never touch you and we both know it. Faith backhands Buffy. Buffy: You had to tie me up to beat me. There's a word for people like you, Faith. Loser. Faith: Uh huh. You're just trying to make me mad so I'll kill you. I'm too smart for that. Stick around. Buffy: For what? Your boss's lame Ascenscion. Like I couldn't stop it. Faith: You can't. Buffy: I will. Faith: Keep dreaming. No one can stop the Ascenscion. Mayor's got it wired, B. He built this town for demons to feed on and come graduation day, he's getting paid. And I'll be sitting at his right hand. Assuming he has hands after the transformation. I'm not too clear on that part. And all your little lame ass friends are going to be kibbles'n'bits. Think about that when your boyfriends cutting into you. Buffy: I never knew you had so much rage in you. Faith: What can I say? I'm the world's best actor. Angel: Second best. Faith turns to Angel in surprise. Buffy: Graduation day. You think we missed anything? Angel: I think we know everything she knows. Buffy: May I say something? (pulls her hands free) Psych! Faith: You played me. You played me! The Scooby gang bursts in the front door. Faith throws Angel into the gang's path. Faith and Buffy fight. The gang wards off Angelus with crosses and stakes. Buffy and Faith end in a standoff, each holding a knife to the other's throat. Faith: What are you gonna do, B, kill me? You become me. You're not ready for that, yet. Faith grabs Buffy's neck and kisses her on the forehead. Faith runs away. Willow: Are you okay? Buffy looks at Angel. Angel avoids her gaze. [SCENE_BREAK] In the library. The Scooby gang and Wesley. Giles and the Mage stand face to face. Mage: The task is finished. Giles: Yes. Thank you for coming to me and for that rather effective light show you put on. Mage: This restores the balance between us, Rupert Giles. My debt to you is now repaid in full. Do not call upon me. Giles: I shan't. Peace with you. Mage: And with you. The Mage walks backward, fading into thin air. Willow: His debt to you is repaid? What did you do? Giles: I introduced him to his wife. Wesley: Well, I for one protest. You pitted Slayer against Slayer in a dangerous charade that could've gotten them both killed, without informing me! I'm telling the Council! (storms off) Giles: I think you should. (Wesley stops) We have a rogue Slayer on our hands. I can't think of anything more dangerous. Buffy: At least now we know. Giles: And we know a little bit more about the Ascenscion. Willow: Graduation day. There's a big scary un-fun. At least Angel's not bad, though. That's good, right? Xander: Yes, I feel so much better knowing that he broke my face in a good way. It's a good bruise. Buffy: (sad) He was only acting, Xander. It was just an act. [SCENE_BREAK] Daylight. In Faith's new apartment. Mayor: Well, you win some, you lose some. From where I'm sitting, it's batting average that counts. So you lost some friends. Faith: I wouldn't exactly call them friends. Mayor: Well, what are you worried about? Chin up! You don't see me looking disappointed. Heck, no. You know why? Because I know you'll always have me, Faith. I'm the best, the most important friend you'll ever have. Besides, you know, once the Ascenscion starts, the 'in' crowd you're so concerned about? Whoo! They'll be lucky if there's enough left of them to fill a pothole. Promise. Still unhappy? Okey doke. I've got two words that are going to make all the pain go away. Miniature golf. (grins) Faith shakes her head and breaks into a big smile. [SCENE_BREAK] In Angel's mansion. Buffy enters. Angel: How you doing? Buffy: Been better. Angel: Not hard to believe. You were a real soldier last night, Buffy. Buffy: That's me. One of the troops. Angel: I know how hard it was for you. Buffy: I really doubt that. Angel: Is there anything I can do to make it better? Buffy: Look, I know you only did what I asked. And we, we got what we wanted. Angel: I never wanted it to go that far. Buffy: I know that. It's not even a question of that. It's just, after ... I need a little bit of a break. Please. (walks away) Angel: You still my girl? Buffy: Always. (leaves) End credits.
Plan: A: The Mayor; Q: Who is Harry Groener? A: Angelus; Q: Who is the demon that Faith and the Mayor use to steal Angel's soul? A: Buffy; Q: Who does Angelus want to remove from the picture? Summary: The Mayor ( Harry Groener ) and Faith plot to use a demon to steal Angel's soul and let Angelus remove Buffy from the picture.
SUNDAY... SOUTH DILLON CHURCH Pastor: It is a blessing to be in the house of the Lord amongst believers. All: Amen. Pastor: We do know that on Friday night, one of our brothers, brother Jason, was injured in the football game. The doctors are saying that possible he could be paralyzed. But we know of a doctor who's greater than any doctor. All: Yes, yes. DILLON CHURCH Pastor: I have prayed with Mitchell and Joanne Street. And as an entire community, we have come together in prayer and hope. And faith. And with these prayers, this faith, this hope, I believe Jason Street will once again walk in on his own two feet and join this congregation and rejoice with us. EXT. DILLON Billy drives his pick-up and Tim is in back... Billy: I saw that tackle, little brother. I saw him hit that turf. Tell you what I think. He's talking about wanting to play football. He ain't ever gonna walk again. EXT DILLON CHURCH Lyla: And we know he's gonna be fine. He's gonna walk again. Tami (to Jason's mom): We're prayin' for him. Buddy: Best case scenario, Jason's probably out for a month. You know, it's probably a lot longer than that. But, uh, we need a plan for Friday night. Heck, we... Heck, we need a...need a plan for the rest of the season, is what we need, Eric. So tell me, you think little Matt Saracen can get it done? Eric: I guess we're fixin' to find out. Buddy: Yep. Eric: That was a nice sermon, wasn't it? Hey, Matt. Come here. Matt: How's it goin', Coach? Eric: We got a lotta work to do, son. Matt: Yes sir. [ Credits ] MONDAY... HOSPITAL Receptionnist: Hey, Lyla. Lyla: Hi. HOSPITAL - Jason's room Lyla: There he is. How you doing? Jason: Better now. Lyla: You ever hear of Nathan Foreman? Jason: Who? Lyla: Scuse me, doc. Can you come help me with this, please? Just grab this side, please. Have you ever heard of Nathan Foreman? Jason: Uh, no. Lyla: I was on the Internet last night reading about this guy. Had a terrible spinal injury, kinda like yours. He now playing varsity basketball for UC San Diego. I'm surprised you never heard of this. Jason: No, I'm...I'm oncology, actually. I'm just... I was just passing. Lyla: Oh, right. Well, can you hold this up for me, please, while I tape this? Thanks. Isn't this amazing? The cheerleaders and rally girls have actually joined forces. Jason: It's real nice. Lyla: Thanks so much. You know, Nathan Foreman missed one season, and the NCAA voted to give him an extra year of eligibility. Look at me, Jason. Look at me. This is gonna be okay. Jason: Yeah. Lyla: Okay? Jason: Okay. Lyla: I love you. Jason: I love you, too. EXT DILLON - Eric's car Radio on air... Sammy: Well, there's no silver lining to this one. This is just a tragic blow to the season,, any way you slice it. Jason Street is the Panthers. The team's been built around him. Now you've got this kid, this 160-pound sophomore? Matt Sorenson? EXT DILLON - Landry's car Radio on air... Landry (to Matt): They didn't even get your name right. Sammy: I think he just closed his eyes and threw that ball. The kid comes in with three minutes left in the fourth quarter. With that nd of adrenaline rush, anyone can throw one nice pass. Well, Hawk says you better go to church and do a little prayin. PANTHERS' HOME - Cloakrooms Eric: We're still waitin' to hear. They got a specialist's comin' in from Houston. In the meantime, it doesn't make any sense and it does nobody any good to make any predictions one way or the other until we get the official word. Understood? Players: Yes, sir. Eric: As far as football, we got a game Friday. We got a lotta work to do. FOOTBALL PRACTICE - On the field Matt: Ready? Break. Let's go, one! Number two! Two, two, two, two, two. Set! Blue, eight. Blue, eight. Hut! Eric: Hit 'im deep! Hit 'im deep. Mc Gill: Time! Eric: Matt, you gotta throw faster, son. If Dolia's open on the break, you gotta hit him on the break. Matt: Sorry, Coach. I thought... Eric: I don't want you to say sorry. I don't want you thinkin' out here. I want you to throw the ball. Dolia runs deep, hit him deep. He's open on the break, hit him on the break. Mc Gill: You got four seconds or a five-step drop, Matt! All right, come on. Let's do it again. Player: Go, go, go, go, go! Eric: Oh, ho, ho, ho. Mc Gill: God's sakes, Matt! Eric: Come here. What happened? Matt: I...I didn't see the linebacker. Eric: You didn't what? Mc Gill: He's bigger than my front door, Matt! Eric: South Milbank runs a five-three. They're gonna drop the linebackers. We set up in the gun. You got that? Matt: All right, Coach. I gotta...I gotta work on reading the cover... Eric: You need to look at the wide receiver comin' underneath the linebacker. Matt: Yes, sir. Eric: Timing patterns. Hit 'em on the breaks. Hit them on the breaks and play faster. Matt: Yes, sir. Hut! Eric: Saracen. I need you to work a little bit harder. You need to learn this offense, son. You need to know this offense in your mind, in your body. You need to know this offense so well that your children are gonna know this offense in their own DNA. Do you understand me? You understand? Matt: Yes, sir. Eric: All right. Go on. COACH'S HOUSE - Living room Tami: Okay, y'all, I'm outta here. Julie: I'm telling you, you shouldn't go to this book club, Mom. They're just gonna turn you into a pod. Tami: I know. I'm just gonna go one time, show them my literary prowess. And then I'll be done with it. Eric: Hey, come here. Come here. Tami: I love you. Eric: I love you, too, babe. WOMAN'S HOUSE - Girls' night All: To the girls' night. Girls. Cheers. We are thrilled that you're here with our book club. Tami: Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. I love the book. Woman: Oh, no. Oh, that's great. We don't really read the book. Tami: Y'all didn't read the book? Woman: We're just here to have fun. Tell me, how's your husband feeling about the team? Exactly, let's talk about what's important. Tami: He's...he lo... he's, um... excited about the team. Woman: Well, you know, are you sure? Tami: Listen. He should play my Robbie D. more. What he should be doin'... He should be running more dives than counters straight ahead. Do you have any idea what his plans are for Robbie? I don't. Smash-mouth football. Smash-mouth football. Three yards and a cloud of dust. This boy is ready to rumble. TUESDAY... DILLON RESTAURANT Smash: So look, you got my math homework? Rally-girl: yeah. Smash: Where is it? Rally-girl: At my home. Smash: I gotta come to your house and pick it up, huh? Well, you gonna be there? Rally-girl: Of course. Okay, all righty. All righty. Girl: Can't believe it. Just three days ago, we were right here. Jason Street was literally sitting right over there. Tyra: Could they be more annoying? I mean, seriously. Hey. Hey, yeah, you. You don't even know Jason Street. So stop crying. Okay, no. Seriously, stop. So. Just how drunk are you right now? Smash: Look, we can't... we can't just sit around and cry about it. Somebody's gotta take control. You know, like when one person drops the ball, somebody's gotta jump on the fumble. You pointin' at me. That's me, right? Players: That's you, man. Smash: That's me, baby. I know what I gotta do. We can't afford to lose this. This is ours. I wanna get to state. Girl: Hey, Matt. So, I'm yours. Matt: S-sorry? Girl: Well, now that you're first string, you get a first string rally girl. So the way this usually works is you tell me what you like, and I'll provide it. What do you like, Matt? Matt: Uh, I don't... I like, um... Girl: I make a mean chocolate coconut cake. Made with real butter. Matt: Well, that's... that sounds... Girl: Tell you what. Why don't you try it, see what you think, and we'll go from there. Matt: Yeah, that sounds good. Landry: Okay, can we just pause for a second and reflect on thE implications of this? Matt: No, no, no. I can...no. I can't think about girls right now. 'Cause I got a big game on Friday, so... Landry: I mean, this is it. We gotta seize our opportunity. I mean, you're QB1 now. You know, me and you. Me and you? Matt: What do you even have to do with it? Besides, it doesn't seem right with Jason sittin' there in that hospital, just layin' there and all. Landry: Well, maybe it's not right, but it's what we got. You know? Four or five weeks, he's back on the team. You're second string again. You know, the rally girls, they pack up their little tent and they move right down the road. Smash: You think this team needs a leader? Players: Yeah, it does, man. Look no further. I'm gonna lead this team. I know what I gotta do. Y'all gonna be wit' me? I'm gonna take us straight to state. Just because Street went down don't mean we just stop playin'. Look. Everybody get behind the Smash, and we won't miss a beat, baby. Tyra: Tim, no. Sit down. Don't do this. Smash: I'm sayin' we need to hit the weight room tomorrow hard. You gotta step it up. Look, you gotta run your rocks. Hey, wassup, Rig? Tim: Get up. Smash: What? Tim: You're sittin' in Street's booth. Get up. Smash: Look, what you talkin' 'bout, man? Tim: You heard what I said. Smash: Why don't you go home and sleep it off, Rig? Be on time at practice for a change. Tim: You're right. You guys enjoy the rest of your evening, okay? Smash: Hey, smile, Rig. God don't like ugly. Man, what's wrong with you? Girl: No, no. Tyra: What's the matter with you? Go on, Riggins! COACH'S HOUSE - Living room Tami (on phone): No, I think it's a great case. Well, sure. I'd love to help out. All right i can do thatRice Krispie Treats? No, I th...I... Rice Krisp Treats are great, and I do prefer 'em with the M and Ms in. Yeah. I'll probably just make 'em out of a box. Oh, that many? Eric: It's broken. Tami (on phone): Okay. I would be happy to do that, sure. All right, and thank you so much again for last night. It was just wonderful. Okay. I'll talk to you later. Bye! Tammy hangs up... Tami: I swear, I've gotta make 200 Rice Krispie Treats by Saturday. Went to that book club meeting last night. I'm on 12 committees now. Julie: Told you. It's a slippery slope. Tami: How's the AC? Eric: It's broken. You were right. Call the guy. I'm sorry. Tami: Sugar? I think it's time for me to get a job. I mean, we talked about it. We're settled. I think it's all right. Eric: You gonna do it now? Tami: Yeah, I think now. I'm gonna put out some feelers, all right? Eric: All right. Tami: All right. Eric: That's great. Tami: Nothin' you need to worry about. DILLON RESTAURANT Mayor Rodell: Now, those boys, those boys have always been weak against the run. And this year is no different. They cannot defend against the ground game. Am I right, Rich? Man: That's exactly right. Mayor Rodell: So it's simple. You give Smash the ball. You let him do his thing. Man: Yeah, and don't let Saracen throw the ball. Mayor Rodell: I know. We don't want any more of our boys beaned in the helmet. Buddy: That was funny. Man: That boy can not do the job. I mean, you can't just... You can't just sit back and close your eyes and expect miracles to happen every time you throw the football. Just ain't gonna happen. Mayor Rodell: That boy will lose us ball games. Buddy: Hey, now. Ease off on all these pearls of football wisdom down there, and let Eric finish his riblets. Mayor Rodell: That's right. He's right. Buddy: Uh-huh, because, I mean, he knows what it takes on Friday night. Eric: That's right. Buddy: A big ol' W. Eric: You know, I just wanna say... I'm gonna keep all this in mind. And thank you very much for this meal. This is a fantastic meal. Mayor Rodell: Oh, it's our pleasure. Eric: Fantastic meal. FOOTBALL PRACTICE Mc Gill: Ball, ball! Aww. Oh, for God's sakes, Matt! Watch the way you throw the ball! Don't you think we oughta start focusing on our ground game? We give this kid too much to think about, he's gonna fall apart in front of our eyes. Big time. Eric: Let's go! Thanks, Coach. I'll run the practice today. I right power 26. Matt: Hut! Mc Gill: Hit somebody! Player: What's going on over there, Coach? Coach: I seen my granddaddy make better blocks playing checkers. Tim: Yeah, if you could run as fast as you talk, we'd probably score every play. Smash: Look, you got some--you got somethin' to say to me? Tim: You need to start gettin' behind my blocks, right behind me. I can't keep doin' all this. And you need to quit... Coach: Hey, what's wrong with you guys? What the hell you doin'? Knock it off. Hey, get outta here! South side of Dillon, baby, for real! EXT. DILLON RESTAURANT Tyra: Hey, Smash. Smash: Hey. Look. Your boyfriend's a real piece of work. Tyra: Well, at the moment, I wouldn't really call him my boyfriend. EXT. SMASH'S HOUSE Regina: Why are you empty-handed, girl? G'on back there and get some bags outta that car. You know I'm not supposed to put stress on my back. Smash's sister: Why me? Regina: So you're not around to get the back of my hand is why. Smash's sister: Brian never has to do anything. Regina: Brian, turn down that junk! That's not music. It's the devil's work, is what it is. SMASH HOUSE - Living room Regina: Have you lost your mind? Tyra: You must be Mrs. Williams. Regina: Yes, I am. Messin' with white girls after gettin' in a fight at practice.You're comin' with me. Move. This to get back at Tim Riggins? Tyra: What are you, a shrink? Regina: Oh, I'd be nice. I work at Planned Parenthood. You probably haven't seen the last of me. Tyra: Hey, I know how to use protection. I'm not some piece of trash. Regina: Oh, no, you a class act all the way. Tyra: What in the hell is that supposed to mean? Regina: It means you're safe to walk from here. HOSPITAL - Jason's room Jason: Come on. Come on. Eric: Hey. Jason: Hey, Coach. Eric: How you feelin'? Jason: Well, I'm, uh... not really feelin' too much... right now. Eric: I, uh... The guys. All the guys signed it up for ya. Oh, yeah. They all say hello. Jason: Did Riggins sign that? Eric: Riggins signed. Everyone signed it. Huh. Jason: When'd you teach him how to write his name? Eric: Well, he scrawled on there. He didn't really... Jason: Well, that's really nice, Coach. Eric: Here, I'm gonna just set it down here. Thank you. Damn, son. Look, I don't think anyone needs to tell you, but you know we're savin' your spot over there. You know whatever it takes, however long it takes... Yeah. We, uh... Jason: How's, uh... how's Saracen doin'? Eric: Saracen's doin' fine. He's throwin' like a girl, but he's doin' fine. He's doin' fine. It'll take some time. Jason: Well, uh... You know, when I was... when I was kinda like that kid? You know? I don't know. He's a lot different. He doesn't need it real bad, like I do, I think. He's kinda creative. You know? Listens to Bob Dylan and draws pictures and...stuff.I don't know. He's a... He's a good kid, I think. You free him up a little bit out there on that field, he'll, uh... he'll make some things happen for you. Eric: You're a good man. You're a good man. You're what makes guys like me wanna coach. You are a good man. Jason: Thank you. I'm sorry if I... sorry if I let you down. Let the team down. Eric: Damn, son. You didn't let me down. You did not let me down. WEDNESDAY... EXT. MATT'S HOUSE Landry: You know, the problem is, is that they keep comparing you to Jason Street. Know what I mean? That's like... That's like comparin' my music to the Red Hot Chili Peppers or something. I mean, I'm not...I'm not the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I mean...I mean, I'm my own thing. Matt: I'm not any better or any worse. Landry: It's just different. No, you're definitelya whole lot worse. Okay, well, that's not the point, all right? The point is, you gotta learn how to work the media. You know, let them know who Matt Saracen is. I mean, right now, the bitches can't even get your name right. Matt: All right, well, who is Matt Saracen? Landry: Who is Matt Saracen? Matt Saracen is QB1. And when the cameras start rollin', just start spewin' stuff out. You know what I mean? I mean... just be out there. The weirder you are, the better, really. [SCENE_BREAK] FOOTBALL PRACTISE Matt: Not everyone's gonna be the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I mean... Jason Street is a great guy. And everyone knows what he's all about. So he's like...he's like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Um, but... and everyone likes that, and that's good, but that's not me. Journalist: Well, if Jason Street is the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who are you? Matt: Uh... Exactly. I mean, who am I? Who...who am I? Cheerleaders: Big G, little O. Go, go! Sharp arms! Big G, little O. Go, go! Last time. Big G, little O. Go, go. Lyla: Hey, Tim. Tim. Hey. Tim: Hey. Lyla: How you doin' with all this? Tim: Well, you know. Lyla: Yeah. Look, I know you're not a chatterbox when it comes to your feelings, but I'm here. Tim: Yeah, cool. Lyla: You know, Jason's been asking about you. Tim: Yeah. How, uh... how is J.? Lyla: He's good. He's good? He's real good. He's still Jason. Tim: I know. Lyla: I was gonna go over there later, around 8:00. Visiting hours are over at 6:00, but I kinda got the place wired. You wanna come with? You know, you wait too long, he might start takin' it personal, Tim. HOSPITAL - Jason's room Doctor: The MRI shows damage to the cord at the C7-T1 junction. It could be much worse. Jason, you're fortunate that the fracture was low enough that you'll still be able to use your arms and hands. Jason: It's okay. What about my legs, doc? Jason's mom: Well, we'll just keep prayin'. And then once you start physical therapy... Jason: Ma. Look, Dr. Kroll. I just wanna know if I'm gonna be able to walk again. Please. Look, I can take it. All you gotta do is tell me the truth. DILLON RESTAURANT Woman: Tami, Tami. Hi! Tami: Hey! How are you? Woman: Good, how are you? Tami: Good. Woman: Good to see you the other night. Tami: You, too. Y'all have a good dinner. Woman: Okay, you, too. Tami: Hey. Eric: I'm so sorry. Tami: It's all right. It's all right. I, uh... I made a couple of dates for next week, one with a hog farmer from Rio Tinto... Hog farmer from Rio Tinto. Mm-hmm. That's a new one. Eric: Where's my daughter? Tami: I've always liked hog farmers. Your daughter is at dance rehearsal, which I've told you about 20 times. Eric: Oh. Tami: How was your day? Eric: Um, my day... my day... Tami: Sweetheart, would you take your hat off at the table, please? You look so cute. Eric: You go first. Tami: Okay, you want the good news or the bad news? Eric: No, good news. Tami: Always the good news. All right, I'll give you the bad news. AC? Done. Like I said, we need a new unit. $3,000, minimum. Eric: What's the good news? Tami: There a cold front movin' in? No, the good news is that I think I might be able to help you pay for the new unit 'cause I think I got myself a job. Eric: Really? Tami: Mm-hmm. Eric: That fast, you got a job? Tami: Yeah. Eric: Where'd you get the job? Tami: I..I...at the school. Eric: What school? Tami: At the high school. Eric: W... At my high school? Tami: I wasn't aware that you had bought it, but yeah. I'm the new guidance counselor at the high school Eric: You know that guidance counselors can be a nuisance, and that means... Tami: Eric. Eric: We're gonna have some interaction, and... Tami: Well, that's good. Eric: Guidance counselors have interaction. Tami: I think that's great that we're gonna have some interaction. Eric: Well, I just think that we... we should probably talk about-- Tami: Well, I've taken the job already. Eric: See, what happened to the consultant we were gonna have? Hello, Coach Taylor. Yeah. Thank you. It's the hospital calling about Jason. Yeah. Hi. Yep. THURSDAY... FOOTBALL PRACTISE - Cloakrooms Eric: Uh... Jason's paralyzed. Uh...they say with physical therapy, he'll regain use of his arms, his hands, his upper body. But they don't think he's gonna regain use of his legs. Now, listen up. Any of you need to talk to me, you'll find me in my office. Or you call me any time. Do not hesitate. Now, that's all for today. We'll... We'll pick it up tomorrow. ALAMO FREEZE Landry: Okay, I right 44 lead bronco. Matt: Uh, open right, um...open right, draw to the tailback, off the right, uh, tackle. Landry: Okay, there you go. You got one. Pro left, motion, X-Y eagle. Matt: Uh, five-step drop, X-receiver runs the five yard out, um...Uh... and the wide receiver runs the button. Landry: Close .The fullback releases. Matt: The fullback releases under the outside linebackers. Damn it. Landry: Why are you yellin' at me? Matt: I'm not. Landry: I mean, you only got, like, 250 or so variations to go after this. Man: You gonna give me my fries anytime soon? Matt: Um, I'm sorry. Sorry. Here. Here, you can have a free drink. Sorry about the wait. I'm sorry. HOSPITAL - Jason's room Jason: God. Lyla. Lyla: I know, I should go. I'll be back at 6:00, okay? Jason: That's not what I'm sayin'. Uh... Lyla: What? Jason: We have to talk about this. All right? About me. Lyla: I spoke to Dr. Kroll. He didn't say it was impossible. Jason: Lyla. It would take a miracle for me to walk again. I mean, it's just not gonna happen. Lyla: You know what I think? I don't think Dr. Kroll realizes who you are. We are gonna go out, and we are gonna find the best doctors out there. That's what we're gonna do. Jason: Lyla, doctors don't... Lyla: You are Jason Street. And I am Lyla Garrity. And everything is gonna work out just the way we planned it. Thank you, Lord, for all that You have given to Jason and myself. We don't know yet why You are putting us through this test, but I know that You'll find a way to show us. And we will pull through this test. Whatever it takes. Amen. Jason: Amen. Amen. COACH'S OFFICE Eric: I saw you pullin' up. Tami: Mm-hmm. Thought you might. Eric: What are you doin'? Tami: Field's empty. Let's go make out. How you doin'? Eric: Matt Saracen isn't ready for this. Tami: Mm-hmm. Eric: This... this town. Oh, this town expects, this town expects state. They expect nothin' less, babe. Tami: I know. Eric: I tell you what. Right now, I have no idea whether or not we can even win a game and I'm serious when I say that. Tami: Yeah, well... I know what you're gonna do. I know that you're gonna mold that boy. You are gonna mold Matt Saracen, same way you did with Jason Street. You did it with Jeff Perell back in Macedonia. You took that kid in. I mean, he didn't know the difference between a skinny post and an out-and-up. You made him the best quarterback in the league. You did that. Eric: Yeah, well, I also had close to a year to get him ready. This is a little bit different. I-- Tami: Well? Eric: I got no time here. I got no time. I lose a game, I'm on the road. I lose a couple more, we're packin' our bags. And I tell you what. What they say, it's right. I mean, I... Jason Street, he was my meal ticket. He's the only reason I got this job, and God bless that boy. But I am screwed. Tami: You know what? Eric: I... Tami: There is not a person in the world that could do this, except for you. This is what you do. I've seen you do it with my own eyes. I believe in you. I believe in you with every cell in my being. MATT'S HOUSE - Living room TV is on ... Tame the wild beast. I...I like that. Tame the wild beast. You know, I can't, in good conscience,not go through any more... Matt: Uh, Grandma, you...you need to go into your room for a minute, okay? Grandma: Hmm? Who is it? Matt: Grandma, please... Grandma: Who is it, honey? Matt: Uh, who is it? Eric: Matt, it's Coach Taylor. Matt: Who? Eric: It's Coach Taylor. Matt: Uh, hey, Coach. Grandma: Coach Taylor's here? Matt: Oh. Eric: How you doin'? How's it going? Matt: Good, good. Eric: Gonna open the door? Matt: Oh, yeah, how 'bout... How 'bout if we just go outside? Eric: I think I'd like to come inside. Matt: Okay. Um... So, uh, I'm fine. I'm fine. Uh, w...what's goin' on? Eric: Oh, not much. I just thought I'd stop by. I wanted to have a chat with you. Matt: Oh, it's, um... Okay, okay. Um, is everything all right? Eric: I thought maybe we'd go over... Grandma: Hi, how are you, Coach? Eric: Hello, how are you? Grandma: Very nice to be here. Eric: Thank you. Oh, nice to see you. Grandma: Sit down. Honey, move those books. Eric: Oh, sorry. Grandma: And I brought you some cake. I hope you'll enjoy it. Eric: Oh, no. Grandma: Sit down, have some. Eric: I appreciate that. I... I tell you what. I, uh, I... Grandma: Oh, wasn't he wonderful Friday night? Eric: Ma'am, he was. Matt: Thanks, Grandma. Grandma: I'm so proud of him. Eric: You should be proud of him. Uh... I'll tell you what. If it's okay with you, I'd like to take Matt off your hands for about an hour. There's something I'd like to discuss with him as far as the football game this week. Grandma: Oh. Yes, you do have a big game, and yes, you can take him. Eric: Thank you, ma'am. I'll have him back soon. Grandma: But I want you to come back. Eric: I will come back. I'll come back for some more cake. Grandma: All right. You'll better do that. Eric: Next time, I'm gonna have the milk, too. Grandma: I'll get you some milk. Eric: All right. Grandma: And I've got hot chocolate and everything you could want. Matt: All right, you get some rest, Grandma, okay? Grandma: All right. I'll wait for you. Matt: Okay. Grandma: Now, you listen. You listen to him. Matt: I will. I'll be home... Grandma: Move your feet. Move your feet more. Matt: Right. I love you, Grandma. Grandma: Love you. Eric: Will do. Grandma: Coach Taylor. FOOTBALL FIELD Eric: I could never sleep the night before a game. In my head, I'd go over the plays over and over. It'd drive me crazy. I'd read. Bought a book on meditation. That didn't work. Your dad in Iraq, that must be hard. Matt: It's not so bad, sir. Eric: I tell you what. My dad, he was anything but in Iraq. My dad... my dad was on me day in, day out. Still thinks I shoulda made the NFL. But as much as I complain about him, I don't know where I'd be without him. You know, you... I don't know how you do it. I mean, you got your time commitments. You got your pressures. You got your studies. All that, and being the man of the house, too. Matt: Yes, sir. Eric: I'll tell you somethin'. I know you didn't want me to step foot in your house tonight. But I'll tell you somethin' else, and don't you ever forget this: You should feel proud. You should feel real proud. Matt: Yes, sir. Eric: This is all yours for the takin'. Depends on how much you want it. It's yours for the takin'. You know, the other night, you played for a few minutes. Tomorrow, four quarters. You can't be distracted by anything. You're gonna have a lot of distractions. You're gonna have our fans, their fans. You got the band. You got the cheerleaders, with their pretty,young-shaped legs bouncin' up and down. You got a job to do. Nothing else. Your teammates gonna need to hear you! You call the plays! You gonna be able to call the plays? Matt: Yes, sir. Eric: 22 rocket on hit. Matt: 22. 20... 22 rock... Eric: I can't hear you. Matt: 22. Eric: I can't hear you. Matt: 22! 22 rocket... Eric: This should be... You're QB1 of the Dillon Panthers. Your teammates, if they can hear you, they will believe in you. Now, you let it out until it hurts! You understand me? Matt: 22! 22 rocket! Hit, hit, hit! Eric: 44 crossfire on red. Matt: 44! 44 crossfire! Red, red, red! Eric: What's your name? Matt: Matt Saracen! Eric: What you play? Matt: QB1! Eric: And how do you play it? Matt: Perfectly! Eric: We'll see about that. Who do you play for, Saracen? Matt: Dillon Panthers! Eric: How much do you want this? Matt: I want it, Coach. Eric: How much do you want this? Matt: I want it! Eric: Then take it! Do it again! Matt: 44 crossfire! Hit, hit, hit, hit! FRIDAY ... AUTOMOBILE GARRITY'S Buddy: Well, Eric, you know, you and I've known each other a long time. I've known you since, well, I was just a salesman here, and you were the junior high coach over there. And, uh, well, you probably liked me a lot more then, didn't you? Eric: I wouldn't say that. I don't know. Buddy: Well, I like you, Eric. I just want you to always know that. I like you, and I believe in you, and I'm glad you're back here with us. Eric: Good. I appreciate that. Buddy: So. It's Friday night. You feel it? You ready for it? Game night? Eric: Yep, mm....hmm. Buddy: Right? You ready to go? We're gonna give 'em our best, you bet. Well, I don't want to hear that. Now, this is not just some game. You realize that. After what's happened with Jason. I mean, this is about tradition. It's about this town. It's about the spirit, and keepin' this town alive. That's football. That's all we got. Now, if we lose this game, this town's just gonna be in a turmoil. And I don't need that. Eric: Nah, we don't... we don't need that. Buddy: No. This team needs a W. This town needs a W. Hey. Always friends. All right. Good. Go get 'em tonight, Coach. Always friends. Always and ever. Always. FOOTBALL GAME - Cloakroom Eric: All right, listen up. We've suffered a big loss. A big loss. Some of you may be scared. And that's natural. Now, some of you may be really pissed off. One good thing about football is we get to channel that energy. This team has never been about one player. It's about all of us. Every single one of us. And if we're gonna come back from this loss, we're gonna need every one of us. Not one man. Every single one of us. Together. All right, let's pray. Dear Lord, please let us have a successful night tonight. A safe game. Please let us all play to our fullest potential. Please look over Jason Street. Let him know that he's in all of our hearts. We love him. And we miss him. Thine is the kingdom, the power, the glory, forever and ever. Amen. Players: Amen! Eric: Clear eyes, full hearts... Players: ...can't lose! Eric: Let's get 'em! (ALL YELLING) Let's get 'em out there, now! Y'all take care. Players: Coach, good luck. Eric: You up for this? Matt: Yes, sir. Eric: Let me ask you one question. Last Friday night, when you threw that pass, that...that winning pass... did you close your eyes? Matt: No, sir. My eyes were open, sir. My eyes were wide open. Eric: Let's go play football. Come on. (DRUMMING) (WHISTLE BLOWING)
Plan: A: the town; Q: Who turns to faith and prayer to deal with star quarterback Jason Street's serious injury? A: Coach Taylor; Q: Who turns to an untested backup quarterback to anchor the team? A: Matt Saracen; Q: Who is the backup quarterback for the team? A: the boiling point; Q: What do tensions between Tim Riggins and Brian "Smash" Williams reach? A: teammates; Q: What are Tim Riggins and Brian "Smash" Williams? A: Lyla Garrity; Q: Who is Jason Street's girlfriend? A: her fallen boyfriend; Q: Who does Lyla Garrity provide support to? Summary: As the town turns to faith and prayer to deal with star quarterback Jason Street's serious injury, Coach Taylor turns to an untested backup quarterback, Matt Saracen, to anchor the team. Meanwhile, tensions reach the boiling point between teammates Tim Riggins and Brian "Smash" Williams, and Jason's girlfriend, Lyla Garrity, provides support to her fallen boyfriend.
Dwight: [yelling] Attention everyone! Jim and I, on behalf of-- Jim: Too loud. Dwight: --the party planning committee... Jim: Too, too loud. Too Loud. Dwight: But effective, look! [everyone turns to pay attention] On behalf of Jim and I, Merry Christmas. Everyone: Merry Christmas. Dwight: Merry Christmas. Good. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: My diabolical plot is on hold for Christmas. My heart just melts with the sound of children singing. Hmmph! [laughs] Not really! I'm just tired. The days are short. I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: It is time to unveil the tree. Oscar: Hey, Rockefeller Center! Jim: Yeah. Ryan: Uh, I have actually been to Rock Center, and this is nothing like that. Jim: This is all we have. Ryan: Ugh. Jim: No, it's not "ugh." It is... office camaraderie. Dwight: It is warm feelings. Meredith: Why don't we talk more about it instead of doing it? Dwight: Thirty! Twenty-nine! Twenty-eight! [others join] Jim: Why would you start so high? Dwight: Twenty- seven! Twenty-six! ... Jim: Three, two, one! [pulls sheet to reveal Christmas tree] Phyllis: Ooh. Pam: Ah! Phyllis: You didn't decorate it? Jim: No. Dwight: Exactly. Jim: We didn't, because we think it'd be better to do it together. Dwight: Everyone. Andy: Why would you wrap it in a sheet, if you're not covering anything up? Pam: Is it, is it fake? Jim: Pam! Dwight: Yes, we are unveiling, an artificial tree, that will never die... Jim: Yes. Dwight: Like the spirit of Christmas! Stanley: We're supposed to applaud you for taking a giant diaper off fake tree? Dwight: This was a successful unveiling! Go back to work! Merry Christmas! [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Hello. Sorry guys. [louder, face is scratched up.] Sorry guys. I'm not sure I've earned the right to make announcements yet. But whoever is giving me the Twelve Days of Christmas? As my Secret Santa? Please stop. I can't take it anymore. My cat killed a turtledove; the French hens have started pulling out my hair to make a nest. Please. Stop. Kelly: What psycho would send that as a gift? [Kelly hugs Erin] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I begged Dwight and Jim to give me Erin for Secret Santa. And I decided to give Erin the Twelve days of Christmas. Is it my fault that the first eight days is basically thirty birds? [six geese are inside Erin's car] [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas boys and girls! It's me, Santa Claus! Dwight: Hey Santa! Oscar: They finally let you do it! Phyllis: Yeah! Kevin: Congrats Phil! Erin: It's so edgy! [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: I have been wanting to be Santa for years. I believe I have the right temperament, and the figure to do the job well. I slipped a note to Jim eleven weeks ago, and he said I could do it. [she awkwardly hugs Jim] It's been a long journey... but [sniffles] I'm Santa Claus! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: So Santa, what can we expect from this party? Phyllis: It's going to be a very jolly time if you've been good! Creed: What if you've been bad? Phyllis: Oh then nothing but a lump of coal for you! Creed: What if you've been really, really bad? More evil, and strictly wrong? Jim: Hey, Creed, we covered it. Lump of coal! Phyllis: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea, for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it, to find himself... in jail! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: You know Oscar every time I make this lasagna people ask me if it's a family recipe, but really, I just get the recipe from the box! Oscar: That's funny. Pam: Is it funny? I thought it was more ...interesting, than funny. [she walks over to see Oscar at the window looking down on man catching a football in parking lot] I think my water just broke! Oscar: That's too funny. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Oscar and the warehouse guy! Go Oscar! Go gay warehouse guy! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Heeeeeere's Santa! Hey little girl, what would you like for Christmas? Ooh, you have been a very naughty girl, I see. [points to Pam's' pregnant tummy] Pam: Michael, we already have a Santa, Phyllis. Michael: What the hell is going on? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Phyllis, Jim? Phyllis is Santa? Jim: Yeah. Michael: Phyllis? Jim: Yeah I told her a long time ago she could do it. Michael: Take it back. That is absurd. Jim: No, I'm not gonna do that. Michael: No? No! Jim! Come on! Jim: I think she's doing a good job. Michael: It's insane! A woman Santa, where does it stop? No! Jim, this may be the last Christmas that we have here, doesn't it make you a tiny bit anxious, me NOT playing Santa? Come on! Jim: I'm not gonna go tell Phyllis that she can't be Santa. Michael: Fine! Then do it anonymously. Ransom note style. You can- I -you know what, I have a bunch of letters cut out of magazines in my desk. You can use those. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: If this were Russia, yeah sure. Everyone would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block and once you sat on her lap and she'd ask you what you wanted, you would say probably "freedom." At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [santa voice] Ho ho ho! Why pay more to sit next to old Tranny Claus over there, when you can sit on my lap. Phyllis is only ... pretending to be a man, I'm the real thing. Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt! Group: [mutters] Okay... Michael: No it's not, not like penis-wise. [as Santa] Hello little boy, what's your name? Kevin: Michael it's me, Kevin. Phyllis says I'm too big for her lap. Michael: Oh! I am so sorry that Phyllis hates you. And hates your body. But, Santa remembers a reindeer that was just a tiny bit different as well. Kevin: When can I sit on your lap? Michael: Right now! Come on over here, big boy! There we go. [Kevin sits on his lap. It's a struggle] Oh my God. Kevin: That's really comfortable. [Michael gasps] Michael: What would you like for Christmas little boy? Kevin: I don't know. I didn't know you were gonna ask me that. Michael: What did you think was going to happen? Kevin: I didn't know. Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before. Michael: All right, just say "some toys" please. Kevin: Can you give me some choices? Cause I really don't want to mess up on this list. Michael: Damn it Kevin, come on. Kevin: What about if I tell you the things I don't want? Michael: Okay get off, get off! [pushes Kevin off] Oh! Oh, God! Kevin: I didn't even get to tell you what I wanted! Michael: Okay you know what you get? You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you so Santa doesn't have to go through this again. Kevin: Awesome. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Well? Jim: I'm trying Phyllis. You're Santa. Phyllis: The only Santa. Jim: That's what I want. Phyllis: You promised me this. Don't make me get Bob involved! Jim: What would Bob do? Phyllis: Never mind, I shouldn't have said that. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Does it hurt? Erin: It stings a lot. Andy: Hmm. Erin: I keep trying to figure out who's sending me these gifts. Andy: I know, right? Erin: So far no one will admit to it. Andy: Huh! Erin: Is it you? [Andy stage face, eyes pop, big mouth smile, Erin laughs] Andy: Yeah! Totally! I admit it! It's me. Erin: Seriously? Andy: "Seriously?" Are you serious? Erin: What? Andy: Yeah! Totally serious! I'm your Secret Santa! Busted! [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: There he is. Daryl: Hey. Oscar: Is Matt around? I got his check. Daryl: Uh, Matt is on a delivery. Just leave it here, I'll take it. Oscar: Ah, I'll just... wait for him. Daryl: Matt's a pretty good-looking dude, don't you think? Oscar: I'll just leave it here with you. [drops checks, leaves. Daryl smirks] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ryan come here! Ryan: Whoa, whoa. Michael: Come on, come on. Ryan: I'm doing something over here. Michael: Ahhh... Ho ho ho! [struggles to pull Ryan towards him] Come on I need this. Come over here! Ryan: What are you talking about? Michael: Just sit down! Ryan: No no no. Jim: Hey hey hey. Everything okay? Michael: Yup. Ryan and I are just having some fun! Jim: Can I just talk to you for a second? Michael: Whoop! Okay, what? Jim: You can't yell out "I need this, I need this" as you pin down an employee on your lap! Michael: Okay. You know what Jim, there are two Santas in the room. Things get ruthless! Jim: Yup. Michael: Do you understand, you forced my hand? Jim: Michael, it's Phyllis. We want Phyllis as Santa. Michael: Oh, do we? Do "We?" Is that what "we" want? Why don't "we" take a vote on it? Jim: Great! Michael: Hey! Okay! Everybody! The office is being pulled apart! I realize that. There are traditions at stake. And there are-- Jim: Who wants Phyllis as Santa? [most everyone raises their hand] Michael: No no no wait! No! There are other choices, there is information that we --[Dwight counts the raised hands] Are you kidding me? Kevin? After you almost killed me? Kevin: Michael I had you. I just want to try Phyllis. Jim: And if you want Michael as Santa, raise your hand. [Michael, then Dwight raises hand] Can I get you some punch? Michael: I'll get some punch. That looks delicious. [shoves Santa hat into punch] Office: Aw, Michael! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Excuse me. Whoever has been sending me the parts to this gun, I think you sent me a gear instead of a trigger. Phyllis: How do you know it's a gun? Dwight: What else does it look like? Stanley: Not a gun. Dwight: Well I don't have all the pieces yet. Stanley: Well, unless the missing piece is a gun, you don't have a gun. Dwight: Not a gun. [crosses gun off his "what could it be" list] [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: In the North Pole I spend many nights alone tinkering with toys. So today, let's put a twinkle in Ole Kris Kringle's eye! Let the party begin! [Dwight plugs in tree lights, office applauds.] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I don't ask for much for Christmas, I really don't. It's not like I'm begging people to buy me diamonds and ...broach pendants. "Oh buy me something expensive or I'm gonna kill myself." That's not - I don't care about that. All I want to be is Santa. And, you want to take that away from me? Fine. Go ahead. But when you need my help because I am ruining everything, don't look at me. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Behold! [extends his arms] Jesus Christ. And I bring to you glad Christmas tidings. I want to remind everyone the true meaning of Christmas. [Angela claps] Those of you who wish to join me, that's great. I'm excited by that. And those of you who don't, I forgive you. But I never forget. Toby: Wow Michael, like this must be obvious how wrong this is. Michael: Oh the Anti-Christ! Toby: You can't, [Michael touches his forehead and makes sizzling noise] Ow. Look, you cannot push religion. Michael: Oh but I can push drugs in here? Is that what you're saying? Toby: No! Michael: Well you have to pick one or the other. Your choice. Pick your poison. Get back to me. In the meantime, I am going to spread my goodness all over this company! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hey Phyllis, could you not reveal to Erin that I'm her Secret Santa? Phyllis: All right sweetie, I'll tell her its Michael. Andy: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly and Erin: [singing] I saw three ships come sailing in, on Christmas day, on Christmas day... Pam: Have you talked to him? Oscar: Who? Pam: Matt? Oscar: Is it that obvious? [Pam starts towards Matt] No- hey... Pam: Mmm! Good pate, right? [Matt nods yes] Oscar made it. Have you met Oscar? Matt: I don't think so. Pam: Hey, Oscar, come here. Oscar, this is Matt, and um, Matt loves your pate. Matt: I had some. Pam: Oscar's pate is great. I could eat it all day, every day. Mmm. How come the good ones are never straight, right? Oscar: Okay Pam. Pam: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Yes! They're the only two gay guys I know. But they should be together. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: This just arrived from the Dunder Mifflin North Pole branch! Dwight: We don't have a North Pole branch. Idiot. [grabs package] Michael: [on karaoke microphone] Uh oh, what's Dwight gonna get? What is iiiit? Dwight: Yes! [Dwight opens package to reveal another machine part] Michael: Oh yes. It's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend! [sings] Deck the halls with crappy gifts... Phyllis: Ho ho ho! For Stanley! Ho ho ho! You've been very good this year - Stanley: I have. Michael: [on microphone] Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up in the Bible people. What'd you get? Kevin: He got scented candles! Michael: [on microphone] Oh, that's appropriate. Lot of fire where you're going. Better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockey sticks. You're going to Hell Stanley. Angela: Amen. Phyllis: And this brings us to you, little one. Michael: [on microphone] I can't see from here people. Somebody shout it out, don't make me get up. Angela: It's fabric! I really wanted this. Michael: [on microphone] That's fantastic. You can make another dress that goes past your feet. Angela: Andy, is this you? Michael: [on microphone] No! Phyllis: It's a secret. Michael: [on microphone] Andy had Erin. Andy: Nnnnya. Michael: [on microphone] What? Was I not supposed to say it? [Jim unplugs mic] What? Turn it back on. Jim: No. [Michael gets up and walks into his office] [SCENE_BREAK] David: Yes Michael, what is so urgent? Michael: David, guess who I'm sitting here dressed as. David: I'm not going to guess. You can tell me or I am going to hang up. Michael: I'll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards. David: Michael... Michael: I'm Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis, a woman, has uslurped my role as Santa. David: Michael- Michael: What? David: This is a very very bad time. Michael: Really? What's going on? David: Stephanie, can you hop off please? Stephanie: Sure David. [disconnect] Michael: What the hell? How rude! Does she do that all the time? Erin: Do you want me off the call too Michael? Michael: Hey! Get off! Get off the phone! David: Listen, I shouldn't tell you this, but the company has a buyer. The board will have no choice to approve. They are going to clean house. Michael: What does that mean? David: I'll be fired. Michael: Well, can't Alan protect you? David: Alan will be out too. All of us. Michael: All of us? David: Goodbye Michael. Michael: Oh my God. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Earlier today this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. And now, it needs a Michael. And that's one suit Phyllis cannot fit into. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey. How's everybody doing? Jim: Not great. You heckled Santa for an hour and a half. Michael: That was a different guy. That was Jesus. Jesus sort of ruined the party. Hurt petulant Jesus. Angela: Are you serious? This is so offensive. Michael: You know what's even more offensive, is baling on this party because some... jerk ruined the first part of it. Dwight come here. Here's my debit card, I want you to go pick up a bunch of pizzas and meet me in the conference room. Dwight: What's your pin number? Michael: I don't want to say. But, "it's fun to stay at the -" [nods to fill in blank, but Dwight doesn't know] Michael: "It's fun to stay at the -" Dwight: Where? Holiday Inn? I don't ... Michael: [gestures the YMCA dance] Mmm, mm mm mm. [Dwight smirks, leaves] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I, I thought that you would like it. Erin: It was a little much Andy. Andy: Well it's the thought that counts. Erin: What were you thinking? [Andy freezes] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I suppose a gentlemen might... throw in the towel, at this point. Guess what? Not gonna happen. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You know what, Christmas isn't about Santa, or Jesus. It's about the workplace. All of you feel like my family. Ryan, you are my son. And Pam, you're my wife. And Jim. And Angela and Phyllis, you are my Grandmas. And Stanley, you're our mailman. And I can't help but look at all your wonderful beautiful faces and think, "How could they do this to us?" Jim: What? Pam: How could we do what? [general murmur] Michael: It's not... Nevermind. Nothing. [arguing voices] Stanley: We deserve to know. Michael: I didn't say anything! Angela: If you know something Michael... Michael: We're going out of business! Group: WHAT? Jim: What? Dwight: You are kidding me! Jim: Wait wait wait, who said that? Michael: David told me on the phone. David told me. Dwight: When? When did he tell you? Today? Michael: Earlier today. Dwight: Awww! Michael: He said, we have been sold. [upset murmurs] Jim: What? Dwight: Aaaarrhh! [kicks over Christmas tree] Michael: Dwight! Jesus! Angela: Come on! Jim: Michael, wait. So they said we are sold? Michael: David's gone. Alan's gone. We're all gone. Jim: Okay. We haven't gone under. We've been sold and that can mean many different things. Michael: It's hard for me to imagine a scenario, where Meredith Palmer keeps her job and David Wallace does not - no offense Meredith. Meredith: No, I get it. Michael: I'll call him. I'll call David. Jim: No, you won't, because he's not picking up his phone. Michael: Yes, I will. Because I always know how to get through to him. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: He told me where his kids go to school. I call the school, I tell them I'm a pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my little girl voice. Badda bing, badda boom. [SCENE_BREAK] David: Hey Sweetie, what is it? Michael: It's not sweetie, it's Michael Scott. David: What the hell? Michael: Stephanie could you hop off please? David: Michael, I have never- Michael: David! David: Ever, ever... Michael: David, you are on speakerphone with the entire branch, and the warehouse. Dwight: Hey David. Kelly: Hi David! [group hellos] David: Hello everyone. Michael: David, they do not believe me. When you told me everyone was canned. David: You weren't supposed to tell anyone Michael. Michael: Well I think we're past that now. David: I am not supposed to... Okay. Guys. I was really only talking about Alan, myself, a few other execs you don't know. Jim: Oh my God, David. That's horrible. Meredith: How 'bout us? It's Meredith. By the way, your wife is a very lucky woman. David: Look. They're buying the company for the distribution. You guys are the only thing about this company that works. So congratulations. Michael: We're not fired? David: No! No, and congratulations. Michael: Yeah! [office erupts in cheers and applause and hugs] It's a Christmas miracle! Dwight: Yeah! Michael: Woo hoo! [climbs on desk, stage dives into crowd of employees] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [singing] I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known. Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone. [Meredith and Madge help right the Christmas tree] Dwight: It's true. We all walk alone. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: [opens "New Moon" poster] Jim.... Jim! [Hugs him] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [singing] My shadow's the only one that walks beside me. My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating... [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: [opening kite from Ryan] Wow! Cause... [reveals Kite Runner book] Ryan: Yeah! That was the idea. Toby: Thank you! Ryan: Awesome! Toby: Thanks man! [awkwardly tries to hug Ryan, pats him on the back] [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [singing] Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, thy leaves are so unchanging... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh! You got it? What is that? [Dwight building his gift] Dwight: I have no idea. Michael: Huh. Well, maybe those will help. [puts bag of walnuts on his desk] Dwight: Michael? Please! Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] Matt: Nice to meet you Oscar. Oscar: Nice to meet you Mark! Matt: It's Matt. Oscar: Right, Matt. [Matt leaves] I know what I'm doing, Pam. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Oh man! [Dwight dropped a walnut into the nutcracker] I can use this for so many nuts! Macadamias, Brazil nuts, pecans, almonds. Clams, snails... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hi Santa. Phyllis: Hi Michael. [Michael sits on her lap] Mm. 'kay. Michael: I'd like to make a wish. Phyllis: What? Michael: I would like an Xbox, and a TV that's compatible with an Xbox. And, I'm sorry. Phyllis: An Xbox it is. Because I've decided you're a good boy. Bob Vance: Scott! What in the hell is going on here? [Bob enters dressed as Santa too] Phyllis: No Bob, we worked it out. Michael: You called Bob? Phyllis: I'm sorry, Michael: Come on! Phyllis! Phyllis: I'm really sorry. It was earlier today. Michael: Okay. Phyllis: Hi sweetie. Bob: You okay baby? Phyllis: I'm good baby. [they kiss, both dressed as Santa] Michael: Oh God. Get a room Santas! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Thank you Santa. Happy Holidays. Dwight: It's real slippery out here. [sound of drummer's starts] Jim: Oh my God! Pam: Twelve drummers drumming. [marching drum band lines up to perform, Andy steps out with cymbals] Andy: Merry Christmas Erin! Take it away boys! [dances along to the drumming]
Plan: A: Michael; Q: Who is outraged when Jim allows Phyllis to be Santa? A: Phyllis; Q: Who is Santa at the office Christmas party? A: Jesus; Q: What did Michael dress as after Santa? A: David; Q: Who tells Michael that there is a buyer for Dunder Mifflin? A: the Scranton staff; Q: Who will stay on, much to their relief? A: Scranton; Q: Which staff is relieved to hear that Michael will not be fired? A: Matt; Q: Who is the new gay warehouse worker that Oscar has a crush on? A: Erin; Q: Who does Andy continue to flirt with? A: the birds; Q: What attacks Erin when Andy gives her "The Twelve Days of Christmas"? A: twelve; Q: How many drummers are there in the song? Summary: Michael is outraged when Jim allows Phyllis to be Santa at the office Christmas party, and retaliates by dressing first as Santa, then Jesus. David reveals to Michael that there is a buyer for Dunder Mifflin. He will most likely be fired; the Scranton staff will stay on, much to their relief. Meanwhile, Oscar has a crush on Matt, the new gay warehouse worker, and Andy and Erin continue to flirt, which starts out badly when Andy gives her "the Twelve Days of Christmas" and the birds from the first few attack her, but picks back up with the twelve drummers drumming.
[Outside Babylon. Brian pounces on Justin.] Brian: I'm gonna f*ck you. I'm gonna f*ck you all night long. [ They make out.] Justin: Aren't you getting enough? Brian: Never, enough. Justin: Why we can't save it until the weekend? Brian: Why should we save it? So, we're get the car. Justin: I was thinking that we could go away, just we two of us. Snowboarding. Brian: Cool! Except there is no snow. Justin: In Vermont. Daphne was just there with her boyfriend. She said it was amazing. They stay in the awesome place. There was a Jacuzzi and a fireplace in every room. Brian: Did they have little mints on the pillows? Justin: I forgot. Brian Kinney doesn't do romance. Brian: I don't need any excuse to f*ck. Justin: You also doesn't need an excuse to turn me down. Why just you admit you don't wanna go away with me for the weekend? Brian: I don't wanna go with you for the weekend. Justin: No need to so open. Brian: I wanna go away with you the whole f*ckin' week. Justin: Right! Brian: Hey, if you're not interested I can find somebody who will. [Brian smarms up to a stranger.] Brian: A week with me in Vermont with Jacuzzis and fireplaces? I guess it's just the two of us. Justin: Are you serious? Brian: We're on your Spring Break and I'm make some partner which makes me more than entire week of snowboarding. [Justin jumps into Brian's arms and they kiss.] [Mel and Lindz. Mel wears a glas and read something.] Mel: Did you put Gus down? Lindsay: Yep, he's snuckling up in his bed. Now it's my turn. [Lindsay pounces the bed and rolls on Melanie's work. Mel takes off her glasses and pets Lindsay's head.] Mel: Baby, you look exhausted. Lindsay: So do you. Mel: Roll over. Lindsay: What for? Mel: Go ahead. Go on! [Mel sits on Lindsay's back and grabs a bottle of lotion.] Mel: You are goin' to love this. Lindsay: [moan] Mmmh, this feels good. Mel: Let all the tension go. [Just as Mel lifts Lindsay's shirt mostly up her back, Leda walks right into their bedroom.] Leda: I just finished the floors in green. Mel: That's nice. Leda: Night. Lindsay: Night. [Leda is away] Maybe we should I've should gone with wood instead of the pie. Mel: Don't think about it. Just relax. [Melanie makes Lindsay roll over so she can start massaging Lindsay's breasts.] Mel: This is a special form of massage. It's called foreplay. Lindsay: Oh, I've missed this. Mel: Oh, you're so hot. [Lindsay yawns.] Lindsay: Sorry. [Mel curls her hands around Lindsay's breasts and rests her head in between them. They're asleep.] [Liberty Diner. Emmett has decided to balance his checkbook.] Emmett: You know, the thing about checkbooks it allows you to take a trip down Purchase Lane. Ted: Let me see. In the future? Balance before you buy. How much cost me this time? Emmett: Mmmh, fifty? Close back to eighty if I want my phone back. Michael: Try a hundred if you had to pay your electric. [Some guy walks into the diner and makes incredibly obvious eyes at Brian, who watches him back.] Ted: So, is he good as he looks? And spare us your mindless saying answers. Brian: First I made him worship my cock for an hour. [Michael looks up.] Then I let him rim me for a good forty-five minutes. After that, I f*cked him so hard he passed out. I'm surprised he's up and walking around. Ted: Ups, cancel the s*x talk. Lesbian approaching. [Mel walks up with a to-go cup of coffee.] Michael: Are you kidding? Mel and Lindsay are a couple of s*x machines. They soak the sheets. Mel: I don't care to discuss my self life with a bunch of foul-mouthed fags. Emmett: Something is on the wax. Brian: Or maybe not any. Mel: You see how much you get when you have a family to support, a kid to raise and a major renovation under the roof but of course you never will since your only resonsiblity is to your dicks. Brian: That's why I'm smiling and you're not. Ted: Sounds to me like a case of LBD. Michael: What the hell is that? Mel: Lesbian Bed Death? Emmett: First it dries up. Then it shrivels up. Then it closes up. And then it disappears. Michael: How come I never heard of that? Mel: Because it only exists in the minds of cunty gay men. Ted: Don't worry Mel, there's research and new developments every day. Brian: There's going to be a telethon. Emmett: Yeah, we all can wear a little ribbons on our lapels. [Mel goes away.] [Ryder Advertising.] Cynthia: He wants you see you, right away. Brian: What's the rush? Cynthia: He's on the phone all morning with his attorney and that can only mean one thing. Brian: He's divorcing his wife? Cynthia: He's making you a partner. Brian: What are you so exciting about it? Cynthia: I'm happy for you. And a partner assistent gets to be a important bitch to everybody. Now get in there. And good luck, partner. [She opens the door to Ryder.] Ryder: Brian. Brian: What's up? Ryder: Big change up. Brian: How? Ryder: I sold the agency. Brian: What? Ryder: To Gardner Aven. It's been on my telephon for years finding me an offer that I couldn't refuse. Now I can buy a place in Bermuda for retire and play golf until I drop. Brian: Congratulations. Ryder: Thank you. Brian: What about me? You made me a promise if we had another 5 million place this year... Ryder: Look, I had no choice. I had to sell. Brian: You wouldn't have a company to buying without me. I brought you over 4th of your accounts. Ryder: And I made sure that Vance knows about that. You're are gonna be his guy. He needs you. I give you my word. [Brian smirks, pouts, and stomps off.] [The bank. At the ATM.] Emmett: With the money Teddy loaned me, my new balance should be $147.16. Michael: So, were your calculations accurate? Emmett: Just a switch off. This time I have $10,000,146.16. Michael: Huh? Obviously that's a mistake. Emmett: Not necessarily. This is just a borrowing account. Michael: What are you doing? Emmett: Only I way to find out. [He do it again. With an new coupon. He see it and he must laugh.] [Mel and Lindz. At the living room.] Leda: Lesbian Bed Death. What kind of bullshit is that? Mel: It must be something to it. We're not like other couples who stopped having s*x. Leda: Every couple goes through hot and cold spells. [Leda takes her clothes off in the living room. She's only in her wife-beater.] Leda: How long you've been together? Lindsay: Seven years. Leda: I consider yourself as lucky. Listen, I'm not an authority on long-term relationships, in fact I tried to avoid them. But I do know a thing or two about s*x. And I can tell you this. Your battery isn't dead, it just needs recharging. [she crouches down and holds a beer bottle between Lindz legs] What you need is shake things up, do something different, bein' spontaneous. Mel: Spontaneous? Leda: Yeah, a couple of fuckable babes like you? You shouldn't have any problem. [Leda gives her beer bottle head and then walks upstairs. Mel and Lindz sit there for a while. Lindsay's blushing, and Mel's neck is getting an erection.] [Woddy's. Justin, Michael, Ted and Brian are they] Justin: I found this gay B&B. Ted: Sounds suspiciously lesbian. Justin: It's the best snowboarding in Vermont. [to Brian] This is the first time we've ever gone away together. Ted: Is that such good idea when your company are taking over? Brian: They need me more than you know. Ted: I guess you got bigger balls than I do. Brian: Was that ever a question? [Emmett flits into his seat.] Emmett: What'll be boys? Drinks are on me. Ted: Is that what you're gonna do with the hundred bucks I gave you? [Emmett returns the money to Ted.] Emmett; I won't be needing any financial assistence. Michael: Someone accidentally deposited ten million dollars in his account. Justin: f*ck. Ted: I hope you didn't touch any of it! Emmett: Only a measly three hundred. Ted: Do you know what you've done? It's committed bank fraud, That's a federal offense. Emmett: Oh! Oh, my God! Michael: I've warned you. Emmett: What I'm gonna do? Ted: Tomorrow you gonna go back to the bank, return back every cent. Emmett: Do you mind if I borrow back the hundred. There is that fabulous Gucci belt. [Brian's at work. Now he works for Vanguard Advertising. Cynthia stands in front of him. Speachless. Brian goes in for his meeting.] Gardner: Gardner Vince. Brian: Brian Kinney. Gardner: Sit. Ryder tells me that you've the best account exec he's got. Brian: He's right. Gardner: That's why I'm fired everyone else. Brian: I've always hated those long lines at the water cooler. Gardner: He also telly me that you are arrogant, willful, and insubordinate. Brian: I try my best to live up my reputation. Gardner: Why you stop and telling me why I shouldn't fire you, to. Brian: For one thing, I know more about this company than you do. For another I had the relationship with the clients. If I go, they go. And finally we both know you get more from me than from talentless boys for a half the price. Gardner: Before I quit this I learned everything about it. Everything. I was contacted everyone of your clients and they agreed to stay with or without you. The results of my hiring some tody. At least they give me the one thing you're never will. They willty. Are they other reasons why I shouldn't fire you to? Brian: I can't think of one. [He stands up and try to leave.] Gardner: You've got a week prove to me that you're worth with.. Brian: That long? Gardner: Oh by the way rumor has it that you're gay. Brian: The rumor's right. But unless I'm f*cking you, it's none of your business. [He leaves with that.] [The bank. Emmett and Ted are groveling to a bank teller.] Ted: There is this slide misunderstanding. Emmett: Very, very slide. Tiny. Itsy-bitsy winsy. Ted: Yeah, seems Mr.Honeycut unintentionally drew money that didn't belong to him. [The teller reads from her monitor.] Emmett: But here is the money. I'll have to cash like never happen. Have a nice day. Teller: Wait! Right there. Emmett: Oh my god, they're arrest me. Ted: Just calm down. You're gonna play dumb. Emmett: I can do that. Ted: You can say, you drew the money and never realising it wasn't yours which you come by and return it. Emmett: That's... that's perfect. They're sure believe me. Ted: But if they don't try a cell with Southern exposure. Bank manager: Which of you is Mr.Honeycut? Emmett: I...I...i... Ted: He is. Bank manager: Please come with me. [In the office.] Emmett: I did it. I stole the money. I'm guilty. I'm so sorry. [He sobs into his hand.] Ted: It was a mistake. Bank manager: Oh, that was no mistake. The money was correctly deposit in your account. All ten million dollars. Emmett: I... I need to consult with my accountant. [to Ted] What exactly did he mean by that? Ted: What exactly did you mean by that? Bank manager: The money was left to you by George Schickle. Emmett: George? [The manager pulls the Tape of Exposition out of his file cabinet and hands it over to Emmett.] Bank manager: He also wanted you to have this. [Emmett slowly, very slowly takes the tape.] [Vance add company. Brian and his assistant Cynthia in his office.] Cynthia: Find anything? Brian: Gardner Vance,41, gratuated Harvard business school. Start with his copyright for DBD in New York, then junior ad assec. Then Chicago. What about you? What you've find? Cynthia: Mostly the same as you plus feature article of one of the Chicago papers. Brian: Divorced twice. Boxing fanatic. Wow. Straight guy. Cynthia: Well, there is an intersting quote though, I circle it. Brian: Of one ask if there was an accounted he'd never able to win, Vince said, "Yeah, Brown Athletics." [he thinks over that.] [Brian stands up.] Cynthia: Where d'you goin'? Brian: See a few of my hottest tricks. Cynthia: You're going to the baths now. You'll f*ck us both out of a job. [A nasty, pay-by-the-hour motel.] Lindsay: This is the filthiest, the slieciest, the most disgusting motel I've ever seen! Mel: You expected a Hilton? Lindsay: Uh-huh. [she wants to go.] Mel: Hey, where'd you goin'? Lindsay: Home? Mel: We're just walked in! Lindsay: And now we're just walking out! Mel: But we already paid! Lindsay: By the hour. What kind of motel has hourly raise? Mel: That kind were you stick away for a quicky with some chickie and hope it doesn't find out. Take off your coat. We're stay a while. Lindsay: But they are stained on the bed spread and in the carpet. And it smells! Mel: Now it's sleazy, sponteanious. Lindsay: Can't we sponteanious in some place else like where they chance the sheets and they have room-service? Mel: This is the room service. A complete line of s*x toys including anyone flavors of lubrican in the front desk. [They kiss. Moaning. Groping. Pulling. Mel yanks Lindsay up as she opens Lindsay's shirt. Kissing. Moaning. Yanking. Mel takes off her shirt. Lindsay touches Mel's breasts. The girls stop making out when they hear someone else having s*x in another room. It's a woman's moaning.] Mel: I call the manager. Lindsay: No. We put the TV on instead to drown them out. [Every channel at the hotel is showing p0rn. Mel cups her own breasts into her hands.] Mel: Are those things real? Lindsay: I hope not. [They keep changing the channel until they find a cooking show.] Lindsay: Oh, the cooking show! He's preparing mandarine duck. I always wanted to know how to do it. [Emmett, Ted, and Michael are watching George's video.] George: "Hey, Emmett." Emmett: Hi, George. George: "I miss you." Emmett: I miss you, too. George: "Now, you must'n cry." Emmett: I'll try not to. George: "Let me see your smiling." Emmett: I didn't know if I can. George: "Emmett, you can do better." [He smiles a little.] George: "That's better. Well, did you received my little gift?" Emmett: A little? I couldn't believe it. Michael: Neither could we. George: "See, you always say, 'f*ck 'em all'. Well to do that you got have my f*cking all money." Emmett: What I'm gonna suppose to do with it? George: "Whatever you want. Whatever makes you happy." Emmett: You'll make me happy. George: "You too. More than you know." Ted: Ten mills are a clear indication. George: "Well, I... I guess that's it. You offered your adventure, I'm offer mine." [George blows Emmett a kiss.] [Brian's add fotoshooting. Many most naked men are there] Brian: [to the photographer] I need those in 3 hours. Photographer: I'm not a rusher. Brian: Please. Photographer: I've try. [He does. He takes picture of the guys in sport pose. Cynthia comes in.] Cynthia: Here are your tickets. I don't think you'll be needing it. I called Browns office. They said he doesn't accept unsolicited pitches. Do you want me to cancel? [Next scene. At Debbie at home. Emmett gives Lindsay a car key.] Lindsay: Oh Emmett! You can't do this! Mel: People don't get their friends a car! Michael: Ask this question in a game show! Emmett: It's not just a car - it's a Subaru SUV. I've read it that this is the number 1 choice for lesbians. Debbie: I'm sure Mr. Subaru would be thrilled! Emmett: Um, Justin this is for you. Justin: A trip to Italy? Emmett: Yeah, George and I were planing... never mind. You're goin' as art for centuries to the eternal city, to Florence, to Venice. It is there, that you've discover your soul. Ted: Then see what the statues of naked men too Emmett: When you and Brian are in Milan he can use this. Is a gift of the Armani fall collection. Justin: Oh, he love the new series. Emmett: The entire collection. Never wonder what you wear again. And Debbie this is for you. [Emmett hands Debbie a diamond tennis bracelet.] Debbie: Oh sh1t, you're gonna make me cry. No, Emmett, no. Emmett: Yeah! Now when you slinging that hash everyone will think you were a princess. Debbie: Thank you. Emmett: Michael. [he opens a envelope.] Michael: Jesus, Em. He paid the mortage on my comic book store for the next 5 years! You've changed my life! [Mel and Lindsay are kissing in the corner.] Ted: Oh, I guess there is nothing left in the bag for me. Emmett: What I really want for you I couldn't get. Someone wonderful to spend your life with. Ted : Well, there's always a golden retriever. [He looks at a paper, Emmett's givin' him.] Ted: Lifetime orchestra seats at the opera. Emmett: Two left seats. Cause I know you find someone. [Ted embrace his friend and starts to cry. Mel walks over and hugs Ted.] Mel: What about yourself, Emmett? Lindsay: I hope you got yourself something. Emmett: Oh no, no. It's much better to give than to receive. Except in bed. [Everyone laughs.] Emmett: There was a little something that catch my eyes. George wanted to be "f*ck 'em all" money. Well Georgie would love this! [Emmett jumps back into the room wearing a black velvet coat. Emmett dances in a circle.] [Lindsay walks downstairs in her darkened living room and bumps into Leda.] Lindsay: Oh, hey. I was just on my way to the kitchen to make myself a sandwhich. Leda: Come, try mine. Lindsay: I didn't expect you be here. I figured you out and painting the town red or whatever color they paint towns these days. Leda: All the hot gals are home with their wives and getting on. How about you guys? Lindsay: We'd tried going to a motel. Leda: [laughs] No sh1t! Did they have you hear screaming through the walls? Lindsay: That was someone else. We were the one who's watching the cooking show. Leda: When I've were there, I would have pinned you both to the bed and done a dozen dozen: twelve orgasms from twelve different positions. [Lindsay chokes on Leda's sandwich. Leda rubs Lindsay's shoulder.] Leda: You're okay? Lindsay: Just went down the wrong way. Leda: Christ, you're tight! We're need to loosing it up. Lindsay: No, no, no, no. It's okay. Leda: No, just let me wrap your shoulders. I get all the stress get out and then you and the missed can spontaneously can bust. You know what you need? Jujietsu. Or even better Tantra. Have you ever had a deep rectal massage? Lindsay: Not recently. Leda: You have no idea how much tension people carry in their sphincters. [Mel slowly walks down the stairs in the dark and watches Leda lying on top of Lindsay as they giggle and touch each other.] [Back in Brian's loft.] Justin: Emmett get everyone the coolest stuff. Cars, trips. He even get Debbie a diamond bracer. Brian: I really have hand it to him. He must givin' George a hell of a blowjob. Have you seen my Prota tie? Justin: f*ck the tie. You're got the entire Armani collection. Brian: Yeah, but what I'm supposed to wear until them? Justin: He got me a trip to Italy to see all the Masters. Brian: I've heard they have a big lether scene there. Justin: Why you are bringing a tie when we're snowboarding? Brian: I'm not going snowboarding. I'm going to Chicago. Justin: Chicago? What the hell is in Chicago? Brian: My new account. Justin: But we're going to Vermont. Brian: Some other time. Justin: C'mon, you're promised. Brian: It's business. Justin: f*ck business! Brian: That's exactly who you're f*cking. It's business. It's my business. It pays for this loft, it pays for snowboarding in Vermont, it pays for the Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts. Now, when I'm not get in this plane, I'm gonna be collecting unemployment and my f*cking Armani folk collection. [Justin is pissed off. Brian leaves.] [At the attic. Leda is finishing the floors. Mel has walked up.] Leda: Hey, sweets. What do you think? Mel: Looks great. Leda: Lindsay's all happy too. Mel: You're doin' an amazing job. Leda: Thanks. Mel: She entire eternally grateful. Leda: Anything for you guys, you know that. Mel: But, you know, it's not fair you asking to do all this by yourself. Leda: I'm loving at. Mel: No, really. It's too big a job. We can find a carpenter or handyman to coming in and finished up. Leda: Sugar, there is no handyman at the moment here than me. Mel: I know about your handy work. Like the job you're doin' on Lindsay last night. Leda: That was just a friendly little massage. Mel: Looks more than a little friendly for me. Leda: Jesus, is that the jealous wife routine? Mel: She fell asleep. You rubber and she purse. Leda: Oh so, now I'm to blamem for your lesbian bed death. Mel: All I know is everything was just fine before you moved in. Leda: Who the hell invited me? Mel: I did. And... now I'm asking you to leave. [Justin and Michael are having breakfast at Michael's place.] Michael: You want some? [he means cereal.] Justin: I'm not hungry. Michael: What are you trying to do, starve yourself to death? Justin: You sound like Deb. Michael: I wonder how that happened. C'mon, eat. Wanna hear my secret fantasy? Justin: I don't like to discuss kink on empty stomach. Michael: I see Rage on a box. Preferably on the Froot Loops. With action figur inside. Justin: Collect all three. Michael: It could happened. Anything is possible. Justin: Except Brian and I actually spending the time together. Michael: I'm sure he would rather gone with you. He had no choice. Justin: Do you always defend him? Michael: Look, if he doesn't make it now, he never will. Justin: He's already made it. He has money, success, a killer of loft what else would he want? Michael: To be the best. If he gets this account, he'll be a star. If he doesn't he'll be out of a job. It won't be that easy to starting over a new firm. You know, all those new guys, younger guys coming up all the time. Justin: So what about me? Where do I fit in? I don't want away. I want a boyfriend who only wants to be with me. Who wants to stay home every once in the while. At least gets jealous when some other guy sucking my dick right in front of him. Michael: That's not Brian. He never will be. [Brown Athletics. A young secretary in front of Brian.] Secretary: I'm sorry, Mr.Kinney. But he left work to your assistant that Mr.Brown wasn't interested in meeting with you. Brian: I'm all the way from Pittsburgh just to see him. Secretary: Unfortunately he's in closed door meeting and can't be disturb. Brian: Are we? Secretary: He's out of house. Brian: I'm sure if he saw my presentation... Secretary: Look, I'm trying to say that you're wasting your time. Brian: No, you're wasting his time because the sooner you get me in to see him the sooner I can show him these. [He's taking his pictures out from the shooting.] Secretary: Interesting. Brian: I can see you impressed. Maybe you like a copy for yourself? [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut to the copy room. Brian f*cks him at the copy machine.] Secretary: Mr.Brown eats lunch at the club. [Cut to the club. Brian goes right to him. He's siting at his table. He's reading the newspaper.] Mr.Brown: Who the hell are you? Brian: Brian Kinney. Vangard advertising. Your assistant said I've find you here. Mr.Brown: I thoughed I tell him to tell you that I wasn't interested in. Brian: Really? He was into it. Mr.Brown: [to the bartender] Herman, would you kind show this gentlemen out? Brian: Herman, would you kindly bring us some of dom. On Vengard of course. We're celebrating Brown new athletics ad campaign. Mr.Brown: If you're here to convince me to be more hip you're wasting your time. I'll be damn if I make a pair of sneakers that light up when you bounce. Brian: Leave tendious to the other guys. What you sell is good old american tradition. But you need something with more head. [Brian shows him a bunch of pictures] Mr.Brown: Young man, there is no heat in baseball caps and wind breakers. Brian: You're right, there is not. But it's my job to make them think that they're is. Mr.Brown: "The one thing to wear". Brian: We're running these in all the top magazines. We're appeal the women because they do the most spending AND to the new gay market. [He shows him a guy with a jock strap on. And he shows us his butt.] Brian: Herman, would you bring me a steak? Medium rare. [Liberty diner. Debbie pours water on Michaels glass.] Debbie: You've notices how I call the attention on it without following attention on it? It's called classy. Ted: You've got any ice? Debbie: Whaddaya call this? Ted: For my water! Debbie: Coming right up. Hey, Mr.Moneybags, what can I give for you? Emmett: Uh, a donut please. Debbie: You've got it. Michael: You're shopping? Ted: Of course he has! What else have a faggot of leisure to do all day except shop? Emmett: Too many people, too tiering, too cold. Ted: And complained? Emmett: Well, I've seen a few interesting sales but then I realised that I don't need balancing anymore and it all seem suddenly so empty. Debbie: One queer donut on the house. Emmett: Thanks, Deb. So, I'm begin to think. Ted: Oh, it's a dangerous sign. Emmett: I can more than waste some of money. I have a responsibility. I mean I broughed presents for everyone except for the one person who make that possible. George. Michael: Em, George is dead. Emmett: I know. I mean, I can't buy him a car or a watch but I can honor his memory. Michael: Well he's already have such of things to honor of him. Ted: Concert hall. Debbie: And the pickle. Emmett: I was thinking of more belong of lines "George Schickle Home for Gay and Lesbian Youth". Debbie: George sure knew what he's doin' when he's giving the money to you, honey. [Debbie kisses Emmett full on the mouth] Debbie: Hello. Get you anything? Man: Emmett Honeycutt? Emmett: I'm Emmett Honeycutt. But I'm not on the menu. Man: This is for you. [he gives him some papers and leaves] Michael: What is it? Emmett: Something about the Schickle heir. Ted: Let me see that. Yada yada. Debbie: Yada, yada what? Ted: The Schickle family is contesting Emmett's inheritance. Emmett: What? They can't do that. He left it to me. Ted: Well apperently they think he should left it to them. They frozen your account. Emmett: What is that all mean? Ted: That means maybe you should passed up those sales quite so quickly. [Back at Mel and Linds.] Lindsay: You told her to leaving without asking me?! Mel: You never wanted her in the first place! Lindsay: Well I like her when she's here now. Mel: I bet you do! Lindsay: She's doin' an amazing job! Mel: And not just in the attic! Lindsay: Excuse me? Mel: The reason that we're not feeling very sexual is because we're too tired, that we have to much in the lines when I realize that in your minds it was her! Lindsay: That is ridiculous! Mel: God! Don't lie to me! I live with you for seven years I know you. Lindsay: So maybe I do find her... attractiv. What about you? Mel: Me? That was years ago! Lindsay: Now, who's lieing? And then she's back in your life and you couldn't wait to jump on her back of her motocycle. Mel: All right. So she's hot. So what? [Leda knocks on their bedroom] Leda: You know, you two have a sound proof the boudoir can hear every word. Mel: Christ. Leda: I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for any grief. [Before Leda has walked away, Mel gets the timing to say something] Mel: Uh, Leda? I have the feeling that we've been friends for too long. Lindsay: We don't want you to leave like this. Leda: You're right. It's bullshit. [Girls start kissing, grabbing, groping. Leda pushes Mel and Lindsay's mouths together. The girls are kissing and making out. Leda's kissing Mel and has her thumb jammed into Lindsay's mouth. Everybody grabs a handful of buttons and gets to undressing.] [Gardner Vance ad agency.] Gardner: 200 dollars for lunch? What the hell we're doin' in Chicago? [Brian calls a number of his telephon.] Brian: Say hello to our newest client. Leo Brown. Mr.Brown: Hello? Gardner: Mr.Brown? Gardner Vince. I just wanted to welcome you upboard. Oh, yes. He... he suddenly is. Yes. Absolutely I will so. Thank you. [he hangs up] He sends his regards. I've been after him for years. How did you managed that? Brian: Did my homework. Gardner: Well, I suppose get calls for a prize. Brian: I think it calls more from that. Brown signs the two years commitment based on on conditioncy. Gardner: What's that? [Brian goes away and Gardner looks through the agreement.] >[Brian's loft. Brian's back and carries a bottle of champagne] Brian: Hey, Sunshine! Come gratulate me. Your partner just made partner. [The loft is empty.] [Babylon. At the entrance.] Emmett: Hey, can you loan me a ten? Ted: Oh, how the mighty have fallen. [The boys stand in a blue light, just as Brian appears.] Michael: Look who it is! Emmett: Hey, what are you're doin' here? Ted: The face looks familiar. Brian: Shut the f*ck up. Ted: Unfortunately the voice sounds the same. Michael: When you get back? Brian: A few hours ago. Where's Justin? Emmett: He's not here. Brian: Where is he? I have big news. Michael: He went to Vermont. Emmett: Snowboarding. Brian: Alone? Michael: Alone. Ted: So, what's the big news? Brian: Nothing. [Brian goes away. We watch lonely, dejected Brian walk away for a very long time down the very wide, crowded alley behind Babylon] Music: Queen #Good Old Fashioned Loverboy #Ooh love - Ooh Loverboy What're you doin' tonight, hey boy - Set my alarm, turn on my charm That's because I'm a good old-fashioned loverboy Ooh let me feel your heartbeat (grow faster, faster) Ooh Ooh let me feel your love heat Come on and sit on my hot-seat of love And tell me how do you feel right after-all I'd like for you and I to go romancing Say the word - your wish is my command Ooh love - Ooh loverboy What're you doin' tonight, hey boy Write my letter Feel much better I'll use my fancy patter on the telephone When I'm not with you I think of you always I miss you - (I miss those long hot summer nights) When I'm not with you Think of me always I love you - Love you Hey boy where do you get it from Hey boy where did you go? I learned my passion in the good old fashioned school of loverboys-#
Plan: A: Brian; Q: Who has to cancel plans with Justin to impress his new boss at work? A: Emmett; Q: Who receives a very generous gift from the late George? A: the dreaded Lesbian Bed Death; Q: What do Melanie and Lindsay fight off? Summary: Brian has to cancel plans with Justin to impress his new boss at work. Emmett receives a VERY generous gift from the late George. Melanie and Lindsay fight off the dreaded Lesbian Bed Death.
Ted from 2030: Kids, the heart is a mysterious muscle. You never really know what's going on in there. So after Uncle Marshall lost his father, he decided to get his heart checked. And so did I... and so did Lily... and so did Robin. And then Marshall went again, just to be sure. There was only one holdout. The Bar Barney: I don't need to go to a heart doctor. I drink every day, I sleep three hours every night, and I have multiple s*x partners. I'm doing everything right. Ted: Barney, come on, this is important. We need you around for a long time. Without you, we'd have to find some other sex-fueled, depraved animal to entertain us. Robin: Actually, I'm thinking about getting a dog again. Lily: Oh, can she? Can she get a dog, please Dad? Ted: No. If you get a dog, I'm going to be the one stuck taking care of it. Robin: You wouldn't have to take care of it. Ted: Really? And who watered the philodendron on your bookcase and sang it back to life? Robin: Yeah, that was made out of silk, Ted. Marshall: Okay, Robin, what you need is indeed something that buries a bone, but I'm not talking about a dog. I'm talking about a man. Robin: Here we go. Marshall: You're clearly trying to fill a hole... in her heart. You feel like the seventh wheel, because now Ted is with Zoey and Barney's with Nora and Lily's with Big Fudge. Barney: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Big Fudge. "With"? I am not "with" Nora. Wrong preposition. Later tonight I'm hoping to be on Nora, right? Or under Nora, right? Or, we're all adults, I'll just say it... behind Nora. Robin: I don't know. This will be your second date. Lily: Oh, Barney's got feeling for a girl. Barney: Yeah. pen1s feelings. Because she's hot. Guys, as you know, I only have one rule... Ted from 2030: Barney said this a lot. [FLASHBACK] Barney: If you're gonna get it on in a Port-O-Potty, do it early in the day [...] Never screw over a girl whose last name ends in a vowel. 'Cause she's got brothers [...] Never date a girl with a hook for a hand [...] [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: Never go out with the same girl more than once. Lily: Then why are you going out with Nora again? Barney: There is an exception. Ted from 2030: And it was always the same exception. [FLASHBACK] Barney:...unless she's hot [...]...unless she's hot [...]...unless she's hot. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: And she is indeed hot. Which is why nothing, not even God himself... yeah, I said it, Beardy... is going to stand in the way of tonight being legend... Wait for it. (He sneezes) [OPENING CREDITS] Barney: Hey, Nora, sorry I'm late. I'm just, uh, just getting over a cold. Nora: Oh, no. How long have you been sick? Barney: About 20 minutes. Can't seem to shake it. Nora: Okay, 'cause I was going to say you look a little... Barney: Handsome? Rich? Well-endowed? Nora: Huh, let's say well-endowed... with phlegm. All right, let's go. It's bedtime. Barney: The bed... that's where all the...happens. Nora: Come on, let's get you sorted out. Ted from 2030: That night, Barney didn't take care of business. Instead, Nora took care of Barney. Barney's appartment Barney: Ah. Thank you. Nora: Good night, Barney. Barney: Good night, Mommy. Ted's appartment Lily: Wow, she nursed you back to health? Barney: No. I didn't even see her boobs. She just took care of me. Robin: Oh, hey, guys. This is Nate. Nate, these are my friends. Nate: What's up. guys? Nate Scooberman. But everyone calls me Scooby. I'd love to hang out, but I really gotta hit the john. Ted: Uh, yeah, it's right in here... Scooby. Nate: Thanks, brah. I like you guys. Marshall: Oh, Robin, if you weren't so much stronger than me, I would slap you. Robin: What? You told me to meet someone. Marshall: I know, and, look, he seems plenty nice, but I didn't mean bring home the first guy you bump into on the street. Robin: Actually, I met him in the park. Ted: Should have just let you get a dog. Barney: Oh, oh, I should go. Lily, can I talk to you for a second? So, um, I made an appointment with that cardiologist. Lily: Aw, and you want me to go with you 'cause you're a little scared? Barney: No. Lily: Do you want me to go with you because you're a lot scared? Barney: Yes! Lily: Okay, fine. On one condition. You have to promise me you won't lie to Nora. She seems like something special. Barney: Okay, I promise I won't lie to her. I may, however, lie on her. I said, bang-bang, bangity-bang.* Bang-bang-bang, bangity-bang * At the cardiologist Barney: * Bang, bang, bangity bang... * The cardiologist: Are we done? Barney: * A bang-bang, bangity-bang. * The cardiologist: Well, Barney, your heart sounds fine. Barney: See, Lily? She was worried. The cardiologist: Although it seems like you might have a slight arrhythmia. Lily: Ow! Nails, nails! The cardiologist: It's probably nothing to worry about, but I'd like you to wear this heart monitor for the next 24 hours. Barney: Twen... Flag on the play, Doc. I have a date tonight. The cardiologist: Don't worry. It's totally safe. Unless part of your big date involves connecting yourself to a car battery. Barney: Well, now it doesn't. Ted from 2030: And exactly 24 hours later, they returned for the results. 24 hours later... The cardiologist: Okay, everything looks fine here, although I did notice a few irregularities. There's nothing to be...alarmed about. Barney: Go on, Doctor. The cardiologist: What happened at 8:46 p.m. last night? Barney: Well, let's see... uh, Wheel of Fortune, naked push-ups, naked chin-ups... I was at dinner. [FLASHBACK] Nora: This might be a little forward, but do you have a bomb strapped to your chest? Barney: This? No, no. It's a heart monitor. It's a medical thing. Nora: Oh, I'm so sorry. I've been trying not to stare at your chest all night. Barney: What's that like? Nora: So is everything okay? Barney: My friend's dad passed away from a sudden heart attack. So I'm just getting myself checked out, too. Nora: Oh, I am so sorry. Barney: Thanks. Nora: Um, Barney, what I'm about to say is going to sound a little weird, but I think I'm starting to like you, so I have to say it. Barney: Well, for what it's worth, I'm not easily shocked. Unless you dump water on me, 'cause I'll just... No. What is it? Nora: I want to get married. I mean, not tonight, or even to you, necessarily. But that's what I want. And if that's going to scare you off, then I'd rather it scare you off now. I want a family, and I want to live in a little house with a garden and a tree for the kids to climb. And I want to go to sleep every night with the same person by my side, and wake up next to him in the morning every morning for the rest of our lives. Just thought you should know that. Lily: You have to promise me you won't lie to Nora! Barney: That's exactly what I want, too. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily slaps Barney The Bar Nate: I'm really into gardening, but these squirrels keep messing with my tomatoes. Every time I see them in the backyard, I'm like, "get out of here!" And they run off, but sure enough, a few minutes later, there they are again. And I'm like, "get out of here!" So annoying. I smell food. Does this place have a kitchen? I'll be right back. (He walks away) Robin: Okay, but you have to admit that he is a lot of fun. Marshall: Oh, I actually think he's quite intelligent for what he is. Robin: And what is he? Marshall: He's a dog. Ted: He's totally a dog. Robin: What? You saw him hitting on someone? Marshall: No, I didn't say, "He a dawg." I said, "He's a dog." As in, a dog. I think we've all noticed a few curious mannerisms. Or rather, doggerisms. [FLASHBACK] Ted: Uh, Scooby, the tag's still on your jeans. Nate: Where? Marshall: Okay, Scooby, you ready? Ted: Good boy! [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: That last one did not happen. Marshall: Okay, you're right. He dropped it. Robin: He's not a dog. Ted: Robin, it's fine. You said you wanted a dog and you got one. And the best part is, he got his shots. Nate: Hey, guys, got my shots. Marshall: You are so playful. Ted: Nice job fetching those. Lily: Yeah, guys, cut it out. Scooby, sit. Marshall: So, Scooby, we were thinking if you're going to be hanging out with our Robin, you should be properly vetted. Ted: Uh, yeah. We hope our nosiness doesn't give you "paws." Lily: How did you meet? Marshall: Tell us the "tail" Ted:Yes, how did you "whisker" off her feet? Shed a little light on the matter. Lily: Did you send her an e-mail, or did you "collar"? Robin: Guys, just stop hounding him. Oh, geez. Marshall: No, no, you're right, Robin. We don't want your new guy to "flea." Lily: We're just trying to make sure he's not a heel. Ted: So, moving from Canada, that transition must have been pretty "ruff." Nate: Sure was. My part of Canada's pretty different from New York. Lily: Oh, I bet it was an "Incredible Journey"" Marshall: What part of Canada is that? Speak. Nate: Labrador. Lily: This isn't happening. Robin: Hey, Nate, why don't you go play some music on the jukebox. Nate: No, I'm good. Robin: Oh, shoot, dropped my keys. Nate: I'll get 'em. [SCENE_BREAK] (Barney arrives, with Nora) Barney: Hey, guys, this is Nora. Nora: We were just passing by, and I wanted to pop in for two reasons. First, I wanted to let you know that your friend Barney is being a perfect gentleman. Robin: Well, it's still early. Nora: I'm being serious. I had no idea that deep down, he's such a romantic. Lily: I had no idea he had a deep down. Nora: Oh, you should have heard him at dinner. [FLASHBACK] Barney: I mean, I like being single, but secretly, I want to have kids. Nora: How many do you want? Barney: Three... one of each. You? Nora: Three. All in an old stone house. Barney: Yeah, with ivy growing on it. Cocktails on the patio. Barney: And we must have a pool. Nora: We? A pool sounds brilliant. Are you for real, Barney? Barney: I really am. [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: Unbelievable. Nora: I know, right? And the second reason we popped in is 'cause I need to use the loo. But when I get back, I'm dying to hear all about Mr. Softy here. Barney: I assure you, that's not a nickname that I... (Lily hits Barney's stomach really hard) The cardiologist: And that explains your 14-second cardiac arrest. Lily: Barney, you promised you wouldn't lie. Barney: I'm not lying! Guys, Nora's really special. In fact... I think I'm... falling in love with her. Guys! I'm serious. Lily: I'm not going to let you do this. When Nora gets back here, I'm blowing the whistle. Marshall: Just make sure it's not a high-frequency whistle, because we don't want to torture Robin's boyfriend. Barney: Guys, this is real. And if you don't make me look good in front of Nora, just remember: I've got dirt on each of you, and I am not afraid to spill it. Lily: Barney, you can't blackmail us into lying to Nora. Barney: Really, Lily? Even if I were to mention, oh, I don't know... your kindergarten class's pet guinea pig? Lily: Mr. Buttons? Oh, you son of a bitch. Fine. I'll be nice. Barney: Marshall? Marshall: You got nothing on me. Barney: The calzone? Marshall: Checkmate. Barney: Robin. Robin: Don't say the Mr. T dream, don't say the Mr. T dream, don't say the Mr. T dream... Barney: The Mr. T dream... Robin: I'm lost. Barney: Ted? Ted: Go ahead. Give me your best. My life's an open book. Barney: The ballet class. Ted: I once took a ballet class. Not ashamed. Barney: The 'N Sync concert. Ted: 1998. Cleveland's Gund Arena, front row. Caught JC's shirt. What else you got? Barney: Okay, Ted. The thermos. Ted: I suppose it's possible Barney has real feelings for Nora. Barney: I do! So be cool! Nora: There's a man back there who seems fascinated by the records flipping in the jukebox. Robin: Sorry, toots. He's taken. Nora: So. How do you all know Barney? Lily: Oh, I don't know how we know Barney. How does anyone know how they know anyone? I like your pretty hair, help me. Marshall: We did not meet him at a strip club. No, sir. Because... Barney don't go to no strip clubs. Nora: Oh, come on. Barney's been to a strip club once. Ted: Once? Barney: Thermos. Ted: Nope. Not even once. Nora: Really? So Barney really is a genuinely a nice guy. Lily: I don't recall. Marshall: Okay, I think that we're done here, I think that we have adequately established that Barney is... the kind of guy that you would bring home to meet your parents. Okay? So... let's just drop it, all right? Nora: It's funny you should say that, because, as it happens, my parents are in town. They're only here like once a year. We're getting brunch tomorrow. Do you want to meet them? Ted from 2030: This was a big deal for Barney. [FLASHBACK] Barney: I only have one rule. Never, ever, ever meet a girl's parents. Ted: Not even if she's hot? Barney: Not even if her mom's hot. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: I'd love to meet your parents. Nora: It's a date. Well, we should get going. Walk me home? Nate: Walk? Somebody say walk? I'll go for a walk. I love a good walk. Barney: No, Scooby, you, uh... stay! Robin: Oh, no. I got called back in to work. Can you keep an eye on him until I get back? He's new to the city, and he doesn't really know anyone. Ted: I knew it. I knew it. I knew if you got a dog, I'd wind up taking care of it. Robin: He's not a... Good night. Nate: What do we do now? Oh! I got an idea. I was in the park today, and this guy sold me a big bag of... Ted from 2030: Kids, it was a big bag of sandwiches. Marshall: Whoa. Put that away. Nate: You guys want to fire these up? Lily: Scooby, we're in our 30s. We don't smoke sandwiches anymore. Ted: Sandwich brownies? Nate: Okay. Ted's apparrtment Marshall: Sandwiches make me hungry. Ted: Truth. Hey. I have a question. Marshall: Yeah? Ted: What did Barney mean when he said "calzone"? Marshall: Okay, I'll tell you. Okay. One time Barney saw me drop a calzone on the sidewalk, pick it up, and then keep eating it. It feels so good to finally say that out loud. I... Ted: Dude. Listen to me. You have nothing to be ashamed of. That calzone sounds amazing. Lily: Guys, I found this on the floor. Ted: Oh, my God. Scooby ate the whole tray. Wait. Where is he, anyway? (The entry door is open) Lily: Scooby got out! In front of Nora's Nora: Here we are. I had a really great time tonight. Barney: Yeah, me, too. Nora: Do you want to come upstairs? Barney: I'd love to. (He kisses her) There's just one little thing, and it probably doesn't matter, but... I don't want to get married. I've been saying that all night just to get in your pants. (Nora slaps him) (Lily slaps him again) Barney: Can you believe... (The cardiologist slaps him) Lily: Oh, my God! I found Scooby's wallet. Marshall: Oh, no! That means the poor guy's out there with no identification. Ted, on the phone with Robin:Robin! Hey. Hey, um, remember Scooby? Uh, well, he got out. Robin: "Got out"? What do you mean? Ted: He just walked out of the apartment. Someone must've left the door open. Marshall: It wasn't me. Lily: Me neither. He must've figured out how to open it himself. Ted: He's so smart. We should get him on Letterman doing tricks. Marshall: I know Paul Schaffer's sandwich guy. This could happen. Robin: Guys. Get yourselves together and start looking for Scooby. I'm on my way home. Ted: Wait wait! Robin. Can you pick up some calzones? Barney: Wait... Nora, wait. Wait. I'm sorry I misled you. Nora: Misled? You lied to me! You had your friends lie to me! Barney: I was on the spot. This is your fault. Nora: My fault? Barney: Yeah, with the whole "I want to get married" thing. You can't just tell someone exactly what you want out of a relationship. This... isn't England. Nora: Good-bye, Barney. In the street Ted: Great idea. Marshall: No, great idea! Lily: Okay. If you were new in town and had just ingested an eighth of sandwich, where would you go? Marshall: Of course. Back to the pizza place! Ted: Yeah! Maybe that's where Scooby went. Marshall: Who's Scooby? Robin: Hey, have you seen Scooby? Barney: Uh, yeah. Isn't that him taking a leak on that fire hydrant? Marshall: Scooby! Nate: Oh, hey! It's my friends! The cardiologist: And that explains 12:51 a.m. Okay. None of this suggests a systemic issue. Your heart's fine. With a healthy diet, you can live a long and happy life. If nobody stabs you. Lily: Day's not over. Barney: Okay. Lily, I'm sorry that I lied about wanting to settle down. Lily: No, that wasn't the lie. The lie was when you told Nora you were lying. Because you weren't. You want that stuff, Barney, I know you do. Barney: Okay. Maybe, eventually, I could settle down. 50 years from now, if I have like a Hefner thing going on with some really hot twins. But those twins won't even be born for another... 32 years. I mean... Nora's great. She's wonderful. But... Lily: What time was your dinner reservation? Barney: Last night? 8:30. The cardiologist: What did his heart do at 8:30? It... literally skipped a beat. Lily: Your heart's talking to you, Barney. Do you have the guts to listen to it. In a restaurant Barney: I lied. Nora: Barney. Barney: When I said I lied, that was a lie, and I'm sorry. Nora: I'm confused. Barney: So am I. This, all of this, this is totally new to me, but I know it's what I want. I want to be confused. With you. Nora: Mom, Dad... this is Barney. Barney: Hi. I'm Barney. Great to meet you. Hey, you want to see a magic trick? Barney is outside the restaurant where Nora is eating, he turns around. In 2006, Marshall is walking in the street, and drops his calzone. He bends down, picks it up, then eats it while Barney is watching him.
Plan: A: Barney; Q: Who worries that he has a problem with his heart? A: real feelings; Q: What does Barney start to have for Nora? A: his heart; Q: What does Barney worry is wrong when he starts to have feelings for Nora? A: Robyn; Q: Who starts dating a guy who acts like a dog? A: a lot; Q: How much does the guy Robyn is dating act like a dog? Summary: When Barney starts to have real feelings for Nora, he worries that there is something wrong with his heart. Meanwhile, Robyn starts dating a guy who acts a lot like a dog.
CARNIVAL OF MONSTERS BY: ROBERT HOLMES 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. INTER MINOR. SPACE PORT (An alien looks up expectantly into the sky of his planet. Almost bald-headed except for a fringe of hair which skirts the edge of his head, his eyes and lips have a red tinge within a face that is otherwise as grey as his hair. He has thick grey eyebrows. His clothing is also grey or pinstriped with a white, metallic-coloured top and black boots. The impression of the individual is that of a colourless bureaucrat. His watch is rewarded as a space rocket comes to dock on a platform in the port. Long and pointed, it lands on three legs with a jet of fire beneath it to slow its descent. The buildings that surround it are as grey as the watcher, covered in rivets and with some structures that resemble iron cacti. The alien - ORUM - walks along down some steps and onto an elevated walkway built into the rock and sand of the planet and up to another of his kind. This individual - KALIK - walks with a stiff and erect bearing, making him even more of a parody of a civil servant than the slightly bumbling ORUM. KALIK speaks in a clipped thin tone...) KALIK: Well, the cargo shuttle has arrived...at last. ORUM: One must prepare oneself to encounter the aliens. KALIK: Reluctantly, one agrees. (Below the elevated walkway, within the panelled buildings of the port, the silver boxed cargo from the shuttle comes down a ramp and out of a square hatch onto the ground. Immediately a functionary - the lower caste of the planet - rushes forward. He starts to pull forward others of his kind - identical, with grey heads, unfinished features, flat noses and tunic like uniforms - and exhorts them to start work with a mixture of grunts. They start to put the boxes onto a conveyer belt, taking little notice of the next "item" which falls from the hatch. It is a young woman, dressed in a grey and silver space suit with an air tube attached but with green and pink bobbles adorning her grey-blonde hair and brightly coloured make-up and glitter on her face. She looks non-too pleased at her form of arrival. A moment later, an older man falls from the hatch. He too wears a spacesuit. He has glasses and a thick luxuriant moustache. He holds his hand to his head in vexation at their tumbled entrance.) VORG: Oh, oh, oh dear. Oh... (The young woman stands up and starts to harangue him...) SHIRNA: "Top of the bill", he says! VORG: Ahh.. SHIRNA: "Received like Princes", he says! VORG: Now, now, Shirna, don't be so... (A thought strikes him and he snaps his gloved fingers.) VORG: The scope! Come on! (He rushes to the cargo hatch.) VORG: Come on, give me a hand. (A cylindrical machine is coming down the ramp and out of the hatch. The base is a round column, on top of which at waist height is a control panel and topped by a large globe, sliced down one side to give a viewing screen which is yellow in colour. Some functionaries start to assist the two humanoids with the machine.) VORG: Oh...oh dear, careful now. Please be careful. (The functionaries start to roughly push the machine away from the hatch area.) VORG: Now have a care with that, please? It cost a lot of credit bars. (The man and woman start to collect the remainder of their copious luggage - multi-coloured plastic bags, a large cylindrical silver case and a toolkit - as the functionaries push the machine under an archway and into a quiet corner of the spaceport. The man follows the machine as the girl looks upwards to the elevated landing, sees someone approaching, and runs after the man.) SHIRNA: Look out, here they come. (KALIK and ORUM walk into the hatch area. They coldly watch the work for a second. Suddenly, one of the functionaries clutches his head and pushes his way through his colleagues and through the archway through which the two observers have just come. He appears a moment later on one of the elevated walkways, grunting and gesticulating to his brethren below in a "speech" of defiance. They in turn start to push their way towards the archway as if to try and join the rogue functionary. ORUM desperately tries to hold them from doing so.) ORUM: No, no! Come on! Back! Back! Back! Back! (Meanwhile, the more calculating KALIK reaches for a weapon which hangs from a holder on his waist. Silver, it has two prongs which emanate from the core and meet back in the middle. KALIK fires, there is a red glow and the air distorts into a frenzy of oscillating waves. The functionary clutches his chest and plunges from the walkway, falling to the ground below.) ORUM: (Relieved.) Very good. You have eradicated him. KALIK: No, no, no, merely rendered him unconscious. ORUM: But he will be disposed of? KALIK: Naturally. But first his mental and nervous systems will be subjected to analysis. ORUM: Yes, of course. Now, one must deal with the aliens... (They turn and stare at the two terrified arrivals...) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. OCEAN (A two-masted steamship floats on a calm sunlit sea.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. SS BERNICE. CARGO HOLD (The TARDIS materialises in a hold filled with a cargo of a very different nature to that in the spaceport. Wooden crates and barrels are scattered around the metal hull and the throb of the ship's engines constantly fill the room. The DOCTOR strides out in a green smoking jacket and brown cloak. Jo follows, wearing a blue jacket and denim jeans over dark blue boots.) DOCTOR: Look, I tell you there's no need for a test, Jo. I've been here before and the air is perfectly... JO: (Interrupts.) Phew, it smells! (She sniffs the stale air.) DOCTOR: Yeah, that's odd. JO: Sort of..."farmy". DOCTOR: Yes... (He sniffs the air again.) DOCTOR: Yes, gaseous sulphides - low concentration. Nothing to worry about. (He strides off. JO looks sceptical to say the least.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. INTER MINOR. SPACE PORT (In their corner of the now quiet space port, the girl - SHIRNA - starts to divest herself of her spacesuit. Underneath she wears a garish costume of a blue, lime green and pink stage costume, covered with small bobbles and with darker green boots on her feet. The functionaries start to gather to watch with interest. The man - VORG - starts to pull off his own spacesuit. Under that he wears an incredible costume of orange bell-bottoms, purple boots, and a pink and green chevroned waistcoat topped off by an overcoat of multiple patchwork and multi-coloured plastic circles. SHIRNA notices the functionaries staring at them.) SHIRNA: (Nervously.) Hey, Vorg? (VORG, ever the showman, smiles in delight.) VORG: Well, well, well! We're getting a crowd! Better start the pitch. SHIRNA: Here? VORG: Well, there's no point in wasting any time. (He dons a plastic transparent bowler hat. SHIRNA picks up a blue flat squarish tambourine like device from out of her luggage and starts to tap on it as VORG begins the performance...) VORG: Roll up! Roll up and see the monster show! Roll up and see the monster show! A carnival of monsters, all living in their natural habitat, wild in this little box of mine! (He taps the cylindrical machine and raises his hands...) VORG: A miracle of intragalactic technology! Roll up! Roll up! Roll... (His voices tails off as a stern-looking KALIK and ORUM stride up behind the group of functionaries who immediately begin to disperse. VORG falls silent and drops his upraised hands. SHIRNA drops her tambourine back into her luggage. KALIK turns in disgust to ORUM.) KALIK: So...those are Lurmans. ORUM: The male is called Vorg, it seems. The female: Shirna. KALIK: Ridiculous names! But at least their physiology is familiar. One was afraid they might have four heads, huh! ORUM: No doubt that is why President Zarb decreed that Lurmans should be our first alien visitors. KALIK: (Snorts.) No good can come from fratinising with these...inferior races. ORUM: Nevertheless, Commissioner Kalik, one has one's duty to perform, no matter how unpleasant. KALIK: Mmm. One thinks one will wait for Plectrac. He is chairman of this tribunal. Let him do his duty. (Meanwhile, a red light starts to flash on VORG'S machine and it gives off a bleeping noise.) SHIRNA: Vorg, look. VORG: Mmm? (He walks over from his luggage.) VORG: Oh, that's nothing. (He starts to bang the side of the machine.) VORG: I'm sure it's nothing. SHIRNA: It indicates a systems defect, doesn't it? VORG: It's just a loose connection somewhere. (He starts to kick the machine.) VORG: Nothing of any importance. SHIRNA: (Archly.) A systems defect. VORG: Of all the times to go wrong! [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. SS BERNICE. CARGO HOLD (The DOCTOR and JO are still in the hold.) DOCTOR: Well, I can assure you that the last time I was here, the air was... (He kisses his fingers.) DOCTOR: Like wine. JO: Are you certain we are here? DOCTOR: Where? JO: Well, where you think we are. Are you sure you can steer that TARDIS properly? DOCTOR: Jo, I don't steer the TARDIS - I program it. And according to program, this is Metebelis Three, the famous blue planet of the Acteon group. (JO suddenly becomes aware of the rumble of the ship's engines.) JO: Shh - listen! (The DOCTOR listens.) DOCTOR: It's extraordinary. We appear to be in some kind of a machine. JO: Yes, and it's moving - I can feel it. DOCTOR: Yes, you're right. Come on. (He heads to a door-hatch.) JO: Where are you going? DOCTOR: Well, to find out where we are, of course. JO: I thought you knew? DOCTOR: (Sheepishly.) Yes, well we may have slightly overshot the blue planet, but we must be on one of planets in the group. We'll soon see. (He heads again for the door. JO is about to follow but suddenly hears a noise across the hold and cries out in fear...) JO: Doctor! (He comes back.) DOCTOR: What is it? JO: There's something alive over there! (She points into the darkness across the hold from where they can hear animal noises.) DOCTOR: Well, let's take a look, shall we? (The object of JO'S fear is a wooden cage full of chickens. She smiles in delight.) JO: Chickens! (The DOCTOR holds up a hand in salute.) DOCTOR: Greetings! (The chickens show signs of panic...) DOCTOR: Alright, alright, alright, we're friends! JO: Try clucking. DOCTOR: (Patiently.) Jo, when you've travelled as much as I have, you'll learn never to judge by appearances. These creatures may look like chickens, but for all we know, they're the intelligent life form on this planet. JO: They not only look like chickens, they are chickens. (She notices the crate that the cage stands on.) JO: And what about this? (Across the crate is stenciled in paint a place name. The DOCTOR reads it.) DOCTOR: Singapore. JO: The Acteon galaxy, you said, Doctor? (He gives her a rueful look and heads for the doorway. JO makes clucking noises at the chickens.) DOCTOR: Oh, Jo, do come on! JO: (To the chickens.) Bye. (She follows him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. SS BERNICE. PASSAGE OUTSIDE CARGO HOLD (They start to climb a metal wall ladder to the decks above.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. SS BERNICE. MAIN DECK (An Indian sailor climbs down from the for'ard deck and walks past a metal door. After he has gone, the door opens and the DOCTOR and JO peer out into the sunshine. They watch the sailor walk off.) JO: Hey... DOCTOR: Shh! JO: Well, it's just an ordinary ship. DOCTOR: Appearances can be very deceiving, Jo. No, there's something wrong here. JO: We're still on Earth, aren't we? DOCTOR: No, that's impossible. JO: Don't you ever admit that you're wrong? DOCTOR: No, that's impossible too. (They see the sailor climb up another flight of steps to the upper rear deck.) DOCTOR: Come on, but keep low. (Doing so, he comes out of the doorway and moves off, crouching down. JO grins and follows. They make their way past a large deck hatch leading to the cargo hold below, using it for cover. Coming to the end of the hatch, they pause in hiding to watch a mess hand throwing the contents of a bucket over the side. Once he has gone, they too start to climb the steps taken by the first sailor and find themselves next to an open cabin. The DOCTOR presses against the wall as he hears a voice coming from ahead speaking in a clipped English accent.) MAJOR DALY: (OOV.) That was a splendid dinner, absolutely topping. (The DOCTOR indicates to JO with a nod of the head to duck inside the cabin and he follows. A moment later, three people come along the gangway. The speaker is a typical MAJOR of the British Empire, dressed in a white tropical suit with a panama hat. A young girl, dressed in the style of a flapper walks with him holding onto his arm and they are followed by a handsome young officer in a white uniform.) MAJOR DALY: Oh, there's nothing like a good curry. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. SS BERNICE. PASSENGER SALOON (The DOCTOR and JO have entered a comfortable saloon cabin. Teak furniture and bookshelves line the wooden room. The two hide behind a wooden bench seat and listen as the three people enter the room.) MAJOR DALY: Do you say the cook's a Madrassi, Andrews? JOHN ANDREWS: I believe so, sir. MAJOR DALY: Oh, I find the Madrassi's a bit idle meself. Won't have them on the plantation. (He heads straight for a drinks tray.) MAJOR DALY: Still, I must admit your fellow does know how to curry a chicken. (He opens a whisky bottle and picks up an empty glass.) MAJOR DALY: Sundowner? JOHN ANDREWS: Er, not for me, sir. MAJOR DALY: Claire? CLAIRE DALY: No, thank you, daddy. John and I thought we'd take a turn around the deck. JOHN ANDREWS: Would you care to join us, sir? It's a glorious evening. MAJOR DALY: No, no, no, you two run along. I'm going to do a spot of reading. (He takes a swig of his drink and sits on a leather bench in front of a book. He takes out his spectacles.) MAJOR DALY: Determined to finish this book before we reach Bombay. CLAIRE DALY: Well, we're due there tomorrow. How much have you got left? MAJOR DALY: Only another two chapters. JOHN ANDREWS: Well, we'll see you later then, sir. MAJOR DALY: (Not listening.) Yeah... (ANDREWS offers CLAIRE his arm and leads her back out of the saloon and onto the gangway.) JOHN ANDREWS: Twenty times round the deck is a mile, Claire. So, if we put our best feet forward... (His voice tails off and they walk away. The MAJOR takes another drink and opens his book. He starts to read but soon starts yawning. Within seconds his eyes start to drop as the DOCTOR and JO wait patiently. They cautiously raise their heads but quickly drop down again as CLAIRE and ANDREWS make the first of their twenty passages past the door.) CLAIRE DALY: Really, though, I love musical plays! I saw "Lady, be good" four times, and don't you think that young American chap was marvellous - you know, Fred somebody? Fred Astaire! JOHN ANDREWS: Personally, I think musicals are a lot of nonsense... (They move off again out of earshot. The DOCTOR indicates to JO that she can rise and she does so with him as the strains of a gramophone playing "Five-Foot Two, Eyes of Blue" reach them. They are about to head for the open doorway when the MAJOR mutters in his sleep. The DOCTOR stares at the sleeping man.) DOCTOR: (Quietly.) No, there's only one explanation. JO: (Whispers.) What's that? DOCTOR: (Quietly.) This isn't Earth - it just looks like it. JO: (Whispers.) Alright, Doctor, I'll convince you. (She creeps forward as the MAJOR again mutters under his breath. She takes a magazine off the table and returns to the DOCTOR with it, tapping the wrap-around cover.) JO: (Whispers.) There. Take a look at that. (The DOCTOR opens the magazine to its title page. It is "The Illustrated London News" with a dateline of Saturday, April 3, 1926.) DOCTOR: (Quietly.) 1926? Mmm... JO: (Whispers.) Convinced? DOCTOR: (Quietly.) No. JO: (Quietly.) Oh, Doctor, you're so...stubborn! And you ought to have an 'L' plate for that police box of yours! You don't even know where you're going in it. DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Come on, Jo. JO: (Quietly.) Where to? DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Back to the TARDIS. JO: (Quietly.) And what for? DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Well, I don't know what's happening here, but I don't like it. Why do you want to stay? JO: (Quietly.) I just want you to admit the truth, that's all. Well, instead of swanning around some distant galaxy, we've slipped back about forty years in time and we're on a little cargo boat in the middle of the Indian Ocean. (She is interrupted by a loud roar outside, followed by a scream from CLAIRE. The DOCTOR and JO again dive into their hiding place behind the bench as the two noises wake the MAJOR up.) MAJOR DALY: Yeah...what...what? What? What? What? (He jumps to his feet as CLAIRE, distraught, and ANDREWS come running back into the saloon.) CLAIRE DALY: (Terrified.) Daddy, oh, Daddy, there's something terrible out there in the sea! MAJOR DALY: (Shouts.) What's going on? JOHN ANDREWS: Some kind of monster! (Outside the cabin, they can see as a prehistoric monster rises into view from the surface of the sea, roaring at the boat. CLAIRE finds comfort in JOHN'S arms as they stand agog.) MAJOR DALY: What the deuce is it?! (The DOCTOR and JO can also see it from their hiding place. The DOCTOR is as shocked as the occupants of the saloon.) DOCTOR: (To JO.) It's a plesiosaurus! JO: What? DOCTOR: It's incredible! If this really is 1926, the plesiosaurus has been extinct for one hundred and thirty million years! (The monster roars again and falls below the level of the gangway. The MAJOR gingerly steps to the door and looks out.) MAJOR DALY: It's gone back in the sea! JOHN ANDREWS: I'd better get a rifle, Major. It might attack again! Here, sir, if you'll just look after Claire a moment? MAJOR DALY: Yes, yes, yes, of course. (He hugs his daughter as ANDREW'S rushes off. From outside the cabin, they can hear the yells of the shocked sailors.) MAJOR DALY: I say! What a monstrous beast! CLAIRE DALY: (Tearfully.) It was awful, horrible! MAJOR DALY: There, there, there, my child. (He leads her to a chair.) MAJOR DALY: You'd better come and sit down. I've never seen anything like it in me life! I wonder if it'll come back? CLAIRE DALY: Oh no! MAJOR DALY: Mmm? Oh, you look as if you need a peg. (He goes to the drinks tray. The DOCTOR sees that the way is now clear for them to leave and they start to stand up and make their way to the open door.) MAJOR DALY: Might get a shot at the beast next time. What a head, eh?! Gad, I'd love to have that on the club wall, what? (But CLAIRE turns her head at the wrong moment and gives a cry of alarm as she sees the two. Caught, they stand stock still as the MAJOR looks at them in puzzlement.) MAJOR DALY: Hello? DOCTOR: (Smiles.) Hello! Topping day, what? (He heads for the door again.) MAJOR DALY: Er, just a minute - you two passengers? (The DOCTOR halts.) DOCTOR: Er, yes, but...only temporarily. MAJOR DALY: What? JO: Oh, he means only to Bombay. MAJOR DALY: (Laughs.) But, I thought my daughter and I were the only passengers? CLAIRE DALY: Where did you come aboard? JO: Port Said. CLAIRE DALY: But I don't understand. Why haven't we met before? JO: Ah, well you see, my...my uncle hasn't been terribly well, so... MAJOR DALY: (Smiles.) Ah, poor traveller, eh? Not used to it, I suppose? DOCTOR: (Riled.) On that contrary, sir... MAJOR DALY: (Good humouredly.) Well, never mind. We've now got a fourth for bridge, what? DOCTOR: Yes! (The DOCTOR and JO laugh.) MAJOR DALY: Or would you prefer Mah Jong? DOCTOR: Yes. (Smiling, he heads for the door again - just as ANDREWS comes back with an Indian sailor. They are both armed.) JOHN ANDREWS: Not a sign of the beast, Major... (He sees the DOCTOR and JO.) JOHN ANDREWS: Who are these people? MAJOR DALY: (Puzzled.) Well, don't you know, Andrews? CLAIRE DALY: (Puzzled.) They said they joined the ship at Port Said? JOHN ANDREWS: Stowaways, eh? MAJOR DALY: (Booms.) Stowaways! JOHN ANDREWS: Where have you been hiding? (The DOCTOR and JO are seemingly lost for words, but...) JO: (To the DOCTOR.) You tell them, uncle! (He looks at her in astonishment.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. INTER MINOR. SPACE PORT (Another of the grey bureaucratic aliens traverses an upper level walkway and down some steps. He is identical in looks and dress to his two comrades bar a full length grey-silver cloak with a pleated front that denotes his senior rank. He joins his two comrades and speaks to them in his continuously worried and fussy manner.) PLETRAC: Another functionary has dared to ascend to the higher level. KALIK: One, er, witnessed the event. ORUM: One cannot understand why they do it. KALIK: But then, one is not a functionary. PLETRAC: It is a growing problem. As members of the official species, we must all share President Zarb's concern. ORUM: They've no sense of responsibility. Give them a hygiene chamber and they store fossil fuel in it. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. SS BERNICE. PASSENGER SALOON MAJOR DALY: Look, let...let's all have a drink and...discuss this thing like civilised people, what? (He turns back to the much-used drinks tray.) DOCTOR: Yes, that's an excellent idea, Major. I'll have a large scotch. JOHN ANDREWS: (Interrupts firmly.) Major Daly, these people are stowaways. Quite possibly even criminals, and either unable or unwilling to give a satisfactory account of themselves. MAJOR DALY: Hang it all, Andrews! The fellah is a sahib, you know! JOHN ANDREWS: This is not a social occasion, Major. MAJOR DALY: Oh, all right. (He mutters as he starts to pour himself another drink.) MAJOR DALY: Have it your own way, though we can't extend back hospitality to a couple of poor wretched people in the... (ANDREWS talks over him...) JOHN ANDREWS: Well, actually, sir, I should like to extend to them the hospitality of your cabin. MAJOR DALY: What! JOHN ANDREWS: Until the Captain is free to see them. (The MAJOR frowns as he considers, but then resumes his hearty manner.) MAJOR DALY: Yes, very well. You may certainly have my cabin! JOHN ANDREWS: Thank you, sir. (To the DOCTOR and JO.) In that case, you two follow me. (To the sailor.) You bring up the rear. SAILOR: Yes, sir. (He heads to a door that leads into the boat.) DOCTOR: (To JO.) I told you we should have left I wanted to. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. SS BERNICE. PASSENGE OUTSIDE SALOON (ANDREWS leads the way, JO, the DOCTOR and the sailor following as they descend some steps below deck.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. SS BERNICE. LOWER DECK PASSAGE OUTSIDE CABIN (Once down, ANDREWS leads them through a bulkhead door and along a passageway. The DOCTOR spots something on the floor.) DOCTOR: Here, Jo. Look at this. (ANDREWS waits at an open doorway.) JOHN ANDREWS: Come along - in here. DOCTOR: Any more of these about on the ship, or is this the only one? JOHN ANDREWS: What? DOCTOR: These. (At his feet is a hexagonal silver plate, some three feet wide.) DOCTOR: Is this the only one? JOHN ANDREWS: Well, there's nothing there! (JO looks at him in surprise.) JO: Do you mean you can't see it? (ANDREWS loses his temper with her.) JOHN ANDREWS: Get into this cabin! (He gestures through an open doorway. JO goes in but the DOCTOR doesn't move.) JOHN ANDREWS: And you! (The DOCTOR, a look of intense thought on his face, follows her.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. SS BERNICE. MAJOR DALY'S CABIN (They are in a cramped but comfortable cabin. Apart from two chairs - one with a few clothes on a it - the only items are a bed that JO sits on, a wall calendar, a clock that reads twenty-five to eight and a wallplan of the ship marked "SS BERNICE". The DOCTOR stares at this.) JOHN ANDREWS: I have a crew of lascars who try to make a fool of me on every trip. Well, they've never managed it yet, and neither will you. DOCTOR: Don't underestimate us, sir. (He gestures at the wallplan.) DOCTOR: Tell me, is this ship the "SS Bernice"? JOHN ANDREWS: You trying to pretend you didn't even know that? DOCTOR: I didn't, but I do now. Makes everything much clearer - thank you. JOHN ANDREWS: Alright, now I'm going to lock you in here until the Captain is ready to see you, and that might not be for a long time. He's a busy man. (He closes and locks the louvered door. The DOCTOR sits in one of the chairs.) JO: Alright, Doctor, what's clear? DOCTOR: Mmm? JO: You said everything seemed much clearer now. DOCTOR: Yes, relatively speaking. An extinct monster, that plate out there on the deck - yes, this is all most interesting. JO: Do you really believe Andrews couldn't see it? DOCTOR: What? JO: Well, the plate in the floor. DOCTOR: Oh yes, it's been blocked from his consciousness. Yes, if I'm right, it would have to be. It's certainly no part of the fabric of this ship. JO: I'd say it was very much a part of the ship. A great lump of... (She pauses.) DOCTOR: A great lump of what? It's not steel, copper or iron. And that metal is unknown on Earth, Jo. JO: But we are on Earth, we must be! I mean, this ship, the people, the chickens... Oh, come on, Doctor, you're not going to tell me that Major Daly is an alien from another planet, are you? DOCTOR: (Smiles.) No. JO: Well then? (He gets up and points to the wall calendar. It shows the month of June 1926 with the first three dates crossed off.) DOCTOR: Oh, look. Old Daly's been keeping track of the date. (He sits on the bed.) DOCTOR: I suppose the name of this ship means nothing to you, Jo, eh? JO: No, should it? DOCTOR: Well, in its time, the "SS Bernice" was as famous a sea mystery as the "Marie Celeste". JO: Why, what happened? DOCTOR: Nobody really knows. A freak tidal wave was the popular explanation, although the Indian Ocean was as flat as a millpond on that night. JO: You mean she sank? DOCTOR: No, she vanished, Jo. Two days out from Bombay on June the 4th, 1926, the "SS Bernice" just disappeared off the face of the Earth. JO: Disappeared on June the... (She looks at the calendar.) JO: June the 4th? But according to that calendar, that's today! DOCTOR: Yes, intriguing, isn't it? (She stares at the wall clock.) JO: Shall I tell you something else intriguing? DOCTOR: Mmm hmm. JO: When we came in here, that clock said twenty-five to eight. DOCTOR: Well? JO: Well, now look at it. (The DOCTOR gets up and looks at the clock which has gone back fifty-five minutes and now has hands pointing to twenty to seven.) DOCTOR: Oh, you've noticed that, have you? Well done! Shall I tell you something that you may not have noticed? It's broad daylight outside. JO: So? DOCTOR: If this really is after dinner, and we are in the Indian Ocean, it should be pitch dark. (He heads for the door leaving a puzzled JO.) JO: I don't get it? (She looks on as he examines the lock.) JO: Sonic screwdriver? DOCTOR: No, that only works on electronic locks, Jo. We need something far more primitive. JO: Skeleton keys. DOCTOR: Well, they'd do fine if only we had any. (She takes a set out of her jacket pocket with a smile and holds them up.) JO: Allow me, Doctor. (The DOCTOR grins in delight.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. INTER MINOR. SPACE PORT (VORG fusses with the controls of his machine as SHIRNA nervously watches. She scuttles behind him as the three aliens approach.) PLETRAC: From your data disks, it appear that you travel from planet to planet performing some kind of ritual with, er, this machine? For what purpose? (SHIRNA steps forward with a smile.) SHIRNA: We are entertainers. PLETRAC: Entertainers? Explain the term. SHIRNA: We put on a show - you understand? (She does a small tap dance with ends with a flourish and a smile.) PLETRAC: (Coldly.) No. VORG: Our purpose is to amuse, simply to amuse. Nothing serious, nothing political. (The three shocked aliens stare at each other in astonishment. They move quickly out of earshot and confer quietly.) KALIK: Amusement is prohibited. It's purposeless. PLETRAC: Zarb is considering lifting that restriction. The latest thinking is that the latest outbreak of violence among the functionaries is caused through lack of amusement. KALIK: Oh, more anti-productive legislation! ORUM: Where will it end? KALIK: One can see where it will end, Orum. Ultimately, the functionaries will take over. ORUM: (Shocked.) Take over! PLETRAC: It is not the functionaries who dream of power, Kalik? KALIK: Huh? (He smiles ingratiatingly.) KALIK: One simply speaks one's thoughts. PLETRAC: Your thoughts are as clear as your ambitions! KALIK: How dare...! ORUM: (Interrupts.) Please! One is simply here to decide whether to grant these Lurmans an entrance visa. KALIK: Since their presence here is clearly subversive, one moves that their presence here be rejected. PLETRAC: Opposed. ORUM: Supported! (PLETRAC frowns as he sees that the fawning ORUM has helped outvote him.) PLETRAC: Oh, very well. (They return to VORG and SHIRNA.) PLETRAC: You application for a visa has been rejected. You will be allotted space on the next outbound cargo thruster. VORG: (Shocked.) But your worship, please! I beg you! We spent our last credit bar on the journey here! KALIK: That was unwise... VORG: Your worship, please...? (He pulls a cassette from his pocket.) VORG: I have a document here...micrographed by the great Zarb himself. If you will do...just do me the honour of considering it. (He passes the cassette to an astonished PLETRAC.) PLETRAC: President Zarb? (He turns and stares at his two colleagues and then, without a word, rushes off into the buildings of the port. VORG smiles as he watches him go but SHIRNA hisses over his shoulder.) SHIRNA: Wasn't the great Zarb that Walarian wrestler we met at the instellar exhibition? VORG: Shh! Shut up! SHIRNA: Oh, you've got a nerve, Vorg, passing that off. [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. SS BERNICE. LOWER DECK PASSAGE OUTSIDE CABIN (Having got out of the cabin, the DOCTOR and JO are examining the mysterious floorplate.) DOCTOR: Well, it slides open. JO: Mmm, how does it work? DOCTOR: Anti-magnetic conhesion, I should think. JO: Never heard of it. DOCTOR: No, you wouldn't have done, Jo. You were born about a thousand years too early for that. JO: Oh, I do love being with you, Doctor - you make me feel so young! (They giggle.) JO: Can you open it? DOCTOR: (Sighs.) Without a magnetic core extractor, no. JO: Ah well, that's that then, isn't it? DOCTOR: On the contrary. I happen to have got one in the TARDIS. JO: Oh, I knew you wouldn't travel anywhere without one! But there's one tiny little problem? DOCTOR: Yes, I know - getting to the TARDIS. JO: Right, means we've gotta go through the saloon. DOCTOR: Well, they can only lock us up again, can't they? JO: True. DOCTOR: Come on. (They head back up the passageway.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. SS BERNICE. PASSENGER SALOON (MAJOR DALY, CLAIRE and ANDREWS enter the saloon from the gangway.) MAJOR DALY: You say the cook's a Madrassi, Andrews? JOHN ANDREWS: I believe so, sir. MAJOR DALY: Oh, I find the Madrassi's a bit idle meself. (He heads straight for a drinks tray as CLAIRE and ANDREWS whisper conspiratorially.) MAJOR DALY: Won't have them on the plantation. Still, I must admit your fellow knows how to curry a chicken. Sundowner? JOHN ANDREWS: Er, not for me, sir. MAJOR DALY: Claire? CLAIRE DALY: No, thank you, daddy. John and I thought we'd take a turn around the deck. JOHN ANDREWS: Would you care to join us, sir? It's a glorious evening. [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. SS BERNICE. PASSENGE OUTSIDE SALOON (Having climbed up from the lower deck, the DOCTOR frowns as he hears the repeated conversation.) MAJOR DALY: (Inside saloon.) No, no, no, no, you two run along. I'm going to do a spot of reading. (He ducks into hiding beside the door to the saloon.) MAJOR DALY: (Inside saloon.) Determined to finish this book before we reach Bombay. CLAIRE DALY: (Inside saloon.) Well, we're due there tomorrow. How much have you got left? (The DOCTOR signals to JO to join him.) MAJOR DALY: (Inside saloon.) Only another two chapters. (She does so.) JOHN ANDREWS: (Inside saloon.) Well, we'll see you later then, sir. MAJOR DALY: (Inside saloon.) Right. JOHN ANDREWS: (Inside saloon.) Twenty times round the deck is a mile, Claire. So, if we put our best feet forward... (JO frowns in astonishment as she hears events replayed. ANDREWS' voice tails off as he and CLAIRE leave the saloon.) JO: (Quietly.) Doctor! They're saying exactly the same things as before! DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Yes, I know. JO: (Quietly.) But if he would... DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Shh! (He glances through into the saloon...) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. SS BERNICE. PASSENGER SALOON (...where MAJOR DALY is again yawning over his book. CLAIRE and ANDREWS walk past the door again...) CLAIRE DALY: No, really, I love musical plays! I saw "Lady, be good" four times, and don't you think that young American chap was marvellous - you know, Fred somebody? [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. SS BERNICE. PASSENGE OUTSIDE SALOON CLAIRE DALY: (OOV: Outside saloon.) Fred Astaire! JOHN ANDREWS: (OOV: Outside saloon.) Personally, I think... (As they move off, the DOCTOR mouths to JO "Come on" to follow him into the saloon. They creep back in.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. SS BERNICE. PASSENGER SALOON (The DOCTOR goes up to the sleeping MAJOR.) JO: (Whispers.) Come on, Doctor. Let's get out of here! DOCTOR: (Whispers.) In a minute, Jo. If my theory's right, we should be getting confirmation any minute now. JO: (Quietly.) Theory? What theory? DOCTOR: (Quietly.) About what's happening to this ship. JO: (Quietly.) Well, what is happening? I mean, it's like a gramophone record - a stuck gramophone record. DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Yes, well naturally. As if they've all been programmed to repeat a simple behaviour pattern. JO: (Quietly.) And that monster, the...the plesiosaurus - that was programmed too? DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Very probably. JO: (Quietly.) But that was from a different time. They weren't any plesiosaurus's in 1926. DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Yes, exactly. Historically speaking, this collection is a bit of a jumble, I must admit. JO: (Quietly.) Do you mean that...well, this ship is part of a collection? (She looks round.) JO: (Quietly.) But it all seems so ordinary. DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Jo, have you ever seen any small boys collecting sea creatures and putting them into a rock pool? JO: (Nods.) Mmm. DOCTOR: (Quietly.) And after a minute all the sea creatures settle down and behave quite normally, quite naturally. It's only the small boys looking down from above that see the change in the environment. JO: (Quietly.) Well, yes, but that's different. Human beings are slightly more intelligent than whelks. DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Yes, and they were collected by a slightly more sophisticated means than a bucket of water. But everything is relative, Jo. (She tuts and shakes her head.) JO: I'm sorry, Doctor, I just can't take it in. DOCTOR: Yes, well, don't worry about it. (He checks his wristwatch.) DOCTOR: Right, stand by for blasting. JO: Oh, wait a minute, do you mean...? DOCTOR: Shh! (He makes a final check of his watch.) DOCTOR: Right, go and hide. (They run to their previous hiding place. The DOCTOR looks down at his watch. After a few seconds, time carries on repeating itself when the peace of the ship is disturbed by the roar of the monster and CLAIRE'S scream. The MAJOR wakes up...) MAJOR DALY: Yeah...what...what? What? What? What? (He jumps to his feet as CLAIRE, distraught, and ANDREWS again come running back into the saloon.) CLAIRE DALY: Daddy, oh, Daddy, there's something dreadful out there! MAJOR DALY: What's going on? JOHN ANDREWS: Some kind of monster! (The plesiosaurus again makes its appearance.) MAJOR DALY: What the deuce is it?! (The creature roars again and once more falls back into the sea as the DOCTOR and JO wait. The MAJOR goes to the doorway.) MAJOR DALY: It's gone back in the sea! JOHN ANDREWS: I'd better get a rifle, Major. It might attack again! Here, Major, if you'll just look after Claire a moment? MAJOR DALY: Oh, yes, yes, of course. (He hugs his daughter as ANDREWS rushes off. From outside the cabin, they can hear the yells of the shocked sailors.) MAJOR DALY: I say! What a monstrous beast! CLAIRE DALY: (Tearfully.) Yes, it was awful, horrible! MAJOR DALY: There, there, there, child. (He leads her to a chair.) MAJOR DALY: You'd better come and sit down. I've never seen anything like it in me life! I wonder if it'll come back? (The DOCTOR signals to JO to rise and follow him.) CLAIRE DALY: Oh no! MAJOR DALY: Oh, oh, you look as if you need a peg. Might get a shot at the beast next time. (They run out of the cabin as DALY pours a drink for his daughter.) MAJOR DALY: What a head, eh?! By gad, I'd love to have that on the club wall! What? [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. SS BERNICE. CARGO HOLD (Having safely made their way back, the DOCTOR and JO re-enter the ship's hold.) DOCTOR: Hang on a minute, Jo. I'll get the magnetic core extractor. (He enters the TARDIS.) JO: Doctor, do we have to stay here? Can't we just leave? DOCTOR: (OOV: Inside the TARDIS.) Where's your scientific curiosity, Jo? Don't you want to know what's going on? JO: Not much, no. (She suddenly hears a rumbling from above and looks up in shock.) JO: Doctor! DOCTOR: (OOV: Inside the TARDIS.) What is it now? JO: (Screams.) Doctor! (Light floods the hold as the DOCTOR rushes out of the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: What is it, Jo? JO: (Gasps.) Look! (She points upwards as a gigantic hand reaches down from above and grasps the TARDIS, starting to lift it away...)
Plan: A: Jo to Metebelis Three; Q: What does the Doctor take to test his new dematerialisation circuit? A: the hold; Q: Where does the TARDIS arrive on a 1920s cargo ship? Summary: The Doctor attempts to test his new dematerialisation circuit by taking Jo to Metebelis Three but instead the TARDIS arrives in the hold of a 1920s cargo ship.
3.05 - Eight O'Clock at the Oasis OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW [Lorelai and Rory are walking down the street toward the diner] LORELAI: And the rabbit says, ‘How about that schnitzel!' Well? RORY: Well what? There's no punchline. LORELAI: That is the punchline. RORY: ‘How about that schnitzel!' – that's the punchline? LORELAI: Well, no, not when you say it like that. RORY: How am I supposed to say it? LORELAI: Like a punchline. RORY: How about that schnitzel! LORELAI: Oh, forget it. RORY: What? LORELAI: You ruined my joke. RORY: Um, no, the punchline ruined your joke. LORELAI: Ha! RORY: What? LORELAI: You admit it's a punchline. RORY: Oh my God. LORELAI: Ha, I am vindicated. ‘How about that schnitzel!' has officially been declared a punchline. RORY: A really bad punchline. LORELAI: No one asked for the Norton Critical Edition. All the schnitzel and I wanted was some recognition and now we have it. [they walk into Luke's Diner] LORELAI: Oh, man, it's packed in here. RORY: I guess we counter it. LORELAI: Oh, I guess we do. [they sit down at the counter] LUKE: What? LORELAI: What do you know, your face really can freeze that way. RORY: Are you okay? LUKE: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm great. It's a big fat happy sunshine day for me. LORELAI: Business looks good. RORY: Yeah, the place is packed. LUKE: Sure, it's been taken over by the J. Crew catalog. [Several families with little kids are seated at the tables] RORY: Oh, look, babies! LORELAI: I never wanna hear that come out of your mouth again. WOMAN: Find the yellow ball. MAN: [searching through a diaper bag] Yellow ball, yellow ball, yellow ball. . .ah, yellow duck. WOMAN: Ball. MAN: Yellow ball, yellow ball, yellow ball. LUKE: Every weekend, the same stupid group comes in here and take up all my tables and every chair they can get their sticky hands on, and they do that. They sit, they stand, one person holds the kid, another person holds the kid. MAN 2: I've got Choo-Choo Joe. LUKE: This guy runs in and out and back and forth, the other guy never takes his head out of that stupid bag, the women can't figure out which kid is which, and they do it all morning long, and then order two iced teas to go, and that is it. LORELAI: I'm sure you're exaggerating. LUKE: I am not exaggerating. WOMAN 2: Oh god. LUKE: Oh, now, this is good, you see – Choo-Choo Joe will not be working. WOMAN 2: Get the Bongo Bear. Get the Bongo Bear. RORY: How'd you know that? LUKE: Because Joe has not been working for the last six months. Personally, I don't think he's broken, I think he killed himself to get away from that family. LORELAI: Oh, now that kid's a major drooler. RORY: Yeah, it's like a fountain. LUKE: Okay, that's it, they have to go. LORELAI: Luke, come on, it's just spit. Pretend you're at a baseball game. LUKE: No no no, I've had enough. Let them go not spend money at Al's, I'm through. [He starts to walk toward the people when a woman stands up and starts unbuttoning her shirt. Luke walks back to Lorelai and Rory] LUKE: Is that woman doing what I think she's doing? [the woman has started nursing her baby] LORELAI: Um, well, I can't be a hundred percent sure, but. . .oh yeah, that's lunch. LUKE: Why, why do they do this? This is a public place, people are eating here. RORY: They sure are. LUKE: This cannot be sanitary. LORELAI: I agree. You don't know where that thing's been. LUKE: When did that become acceptable? In the old days, a woman would never consider doing that in public. They'd go find a barn or a cave or something. I mean, it's indecent. This is a diner not a peep show! LORELAI: Hey, consider making it a combo. You could charge more for your cheeseburgers. Of course, no one would ever feel the same ordering a glass of milk again, but . . . LUKE: I have to do something. I just can't stand here and let the lactating continue. LORELAI: Luke. RORY: Gross! LUKE: I'm gross? I'm not the one exposing myself for the entire world to see. That's it. [Luke starts to walk over to the woman, then walks back to the counter] LUKE: You go make her stop. LORELAI: I'm not going over there. LUKE: Why not? You're a woman. LORELAI: So what? LUKE: So you have the same parts. LORELAI: What? LUKE: You shouldn't be scared of it. LORELAI: Scared of it? You know, you're gonna be a bachelor for a really long time. LUKE: I am being taken advantage of here, and I do not like being taken advantage of. I hate this! [Jess walks down into the diner and sees the woman nursing] JESS: Oh geez! [Jess quickly turns around and walks back upstairs] LUKE: Okay, well, that was kind of fun. [opening credits] CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Lorelai walks into the lobby as Michel walks in from another direction carrying some pillows] LORELAI: Aw, is it your nap time? MICHEL: The Tylers in twelve asked to have their toxic pillows removed. LORELAI: Our pillows aren't toxic. MICHEL: According to the complimentary travel magazine that we put in their room, down pillows can carry airborne diseases and mold. LORELAI: Unbelievable – I didn't think anyone ever read those magazines. MICHEL: I think she had to, there was a picture of a roast chicken on the cover. LORELAI: Michel. MICHEL: She is large. LORELAI: Michel. MICHEL: And her husband in ugly. LORELAI: Hey! MICHEL: They threw pillows at me! [phone rings] LORELAI: Independence inn. EMILY: You really should identify yourself when you answer the phone at work. LORELAI: Sorry. Independence Inn, major disappointment speaking. Better? EMILY: Yes, thank you. Now I wanna talk to you about something. LORELAI: Shoot. EMILY: I'm in charge of the Society Matron's League's annual antique auction next Tuesday and I thought maybe you'd like to come. LORELAI: Society Matron's League? That's quite a name. EMILY: And what is wrong with that name, Lorelai? LORELAI: Nothing, it just sounds so serious. Brings to mind a room full of old ladies wearing black dresses and cameos and pushing spoonfuls of cod liver oil on the kids. EMILY: That's a very flattering portrait of my friends you're painting. LORELAI: I didn't mean your friends. I meant the other old ladies in the league, the ones who don't like you and your friends ‘cause you guys are so young. EMILY: Kindly wrap this up soon, Lorelai. LORELAI: Consider it wrapped. EMILY: Thank you. As I was saying, all the proceeds from the auction go to the children's hospital, and we're going to be offering some lovely pieces which I think would like very nice in that inn of yours. LORELAI: What sort of pieces? EMILY: Basically a lot canes and shawls, a couple of walkers. I believe we finally talked Old Lady Rollins into giving up her teeth. LORELAI: What sort of pieces, Mom? EMILY: We have a couple of wonderful writing desks, and some French end tables, rocking chairs, picture frames, lamps, davenports. LORELAI: Well EMILY: The worst that can happen is you won't find anything you like and you've wasted a couple of hours. And who knows, you might find something you love. Plus, I will be way too busy to sit with you if that is of concern. LORELAI: That is not a concern. Define ‘way too busy.' EMILY: Are you interested or not? LORELAI: When is this auction? EMILY: Tuesday at one o'clock. LORELAI: I'll think about it. EMILY: I'll see you Tuesday. LORELAI: Bye. [hangs up] MICHEL: I'm sorry, did I hear you mention something about an auction? LORELAI: Uh, my mother's women's group is having one next week. MICHEL: Oh, well, you know – I love a good auction. The drama, the strategy. LORELAI: The strategy? MICHEL: Oh, yes. First, you mustn't be too eager because that drives the price way up. LORELAI: Don't be too eager, got it. MICHEL: And you must always be extremely careful of your paddle movements. LORELAI: Well, that certainly calls for a "Dirty!" MICHEL: Mm, how's your arm raise? Good? LORELAI: Pretty good. MICHEL: Ah, I have an excellent arm raise. LORELAI: That's what it says on the bathroom wall. MICHEL: Yes, well, if you need some tips. . . LORELAI: I'll give you a call. MICHEL: Good. Take me to the auction! LORELAI: Michel. MICHEL: Take me, I insist you take me! LORELAI: You don't even know if it's gonna be any good. It's just a bunch of society women. MICHEL: If your mother's involved, it will be impeccable and I haven't been to an impeccable auction in over a year. LORELAI: Well, I don't know. MICHEL: What do you want? LORELAI: Michel, I don't want anything. MICHEL: Stop playing coy with me. I want into that auction, you name your price. LORELAI: Okay, you have to work weekends for the rest of this month. MICHEL: Done. LORELAI: And you have to answer the phone when it rings. MICHEL: Done. LORELAI: And you have to answer it in English, unless the person is actually foreign. MICHEL: Done. LORELAI: And you have to oversee the nature hikers next week. MICHEL: No. LORELAI: Michel, if you wanna go to this auction, you have to be in the lobby at six o'clock Friday morning. You have to hand out towels and water bottles, you have to show them the hiking trails, and you have to let them give you a nature name. MICHEL: Fine, I will let them give me a nature name. LORELAI: All right, then, you can come. MICHEL: Thank you. LORELAI: Buttercup. MICHEL: You cannot give them suggestions! CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT YARD [Lorelai and Rory get out of the Jeep; Lorelai is carrying a pizza, Rory is carrying a brown takeout bag] RORY: I can't believe you got into a fight with Pete. LORELAI: Hey, you do not suddenly decide that garlic is an extra topping, not after five years, not after all we've been through. We single-handedly helped Pete pay for that new delivery truck of his, and I thought he needed to be reminded of that fact. RORY: Very loudly. LORELAI: Not that loudly. RORY: Dogs started barking. LORELAI: Because they heard about the garlic incident, and no one likes getting screwed, Rory, not even a Schnauzer. Pete's a swindler. He takes advantage of single mothers and their innocent children and for that, he must pay – what? RORY: He gave us free cheesy bread. LORELAI: He did? Oh! RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: I love the cheesy bread. RORY: I know you do. LORELAI: It's all hot, too. RORY: Now doesn't someone feel a little silly? LORELAI: Me? RORY: Should we call Pete tonight? LORELAI: Okay, after cheesy bread. RORY: Fine, after the cheesy bread. LORELAI: I'm gonna go get the mail – go on inside. RORY: Okay, I'm gonna go melt some more cheese on the pizza. LORELAI: Melt away. [Rory goes inside. Lorelai walks to the mailbox as a man walks across the yard] DWIGHT: Hey! Hello there, neighbor! LORELAI: Hi. I'm sorry, are we neighbors? DWIGHT: Yes, yes we are. I just moved in across the way. LORELAI: Oh, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, Beenie Morrison's old place. DWIGHT: That's right, Beenie Morrison's old place. LORELAI: Aw. DWIGHT: Beenie Morrison's old place. I live in Beenie Morrison's old place. Isn't that great? LORELAI: Only if Beenie Morrison didn't want to live there anymore. DWIGHT: Oh no, I paid him a very good price. Overpaid, actually, but it was worth it. I've been dreaming about a place like Beenie Morrison's old place for a long time, and then I found it. I'm sorry, I'm just really excited. LORELAI: That's okay, it's nice. DWIGHT: It's a great neighborhood. LORELAI: Yes, it is. DWIGHT: Everyone's so friendly. Babette – do you know Babette? LORELAI: Everybody knows Babette. DWIGHT: Oh, she's a great lady. Oh, uh, anyhow, I'm Dwight. LORELAI: I'm Lorelai. And if you see a teen walking around with a halo and a book, that's my daughter Rory. DWIGHT: Very nice to meet you, Lorelai. LORELAI: Nice to meet you too, Dwight. Welcome to the neighborhood. If there's anything I can do to help out, let me know. DWIGHT: Really? LORELAI: Sure. DWIGHT: Well, that's great. Actually, I have this little favor I'd love to ask. LORELAI: Oh, right now? DWIGHT: Well, this week. You know, I just got this beautiful lawn put in, really amazing shade of green, and the guy who put it in for me, he told me that I have to keep each bade of grass very moist for the first few days while the roots take, but I have to go on a business trip for a few days. Huh, last minute, and believe me, I tried to get out of it but my boss said, ‘Dwight, get off your keister and go make us some money', so I gotta go. LORELAI: Well, sure, when the word keister's being thrown around, what are you gonna do? DWIGHT: Exactly. So I was wondering if maybe you could water my lawn? LORELAI: Oh. DWIGHT: Only for a few days. You know, a little in the morning, a little in the late afternoon or evening, depending on your schedule. It would be a really big favor. LORELAI: Uh, well, I guess, I could water your lawn, Dwight – sure. DWIGHT: Boy, that is something. If I would have asked somebody back where I used to live to water my lawn, I would've gotten a much more HBO kind of answer. I love it here! Uh, so, uh, can you come on over now? LORELAI: Excuse me? DWIGHT: So I can show you where the on/off nozzle is. It'll only take a second. LORELAI: Oh, my daughter's waiting inside for me, I – DWIGHT: Oh, uh, well, we can do it tomorrow before I leave. LORELAI: Great. What time are you leaving tomorrow? DWIGHT: Six a.m. LORELAI: Now sounds fine. DWIGHT: That's so terrific. Uh, follow me. LORELAI: Okay. [Lorelai follows Dwight across the yard] DWIGHT: You just gotta go over here and make a right. LORELAI: Yeah. Oh, yeah, I know where it is. CUT TO DWIGHT'S FRONT YARD [Lorelai follows Dwight up the front pathway of his house] DWIGHT: Welcome to The Oasis! That's what I named this place, The Oasis, my oasis, a little slice of heaven right here on Earth. Gosh, I swear, I still can't believe I'm here. I was in a terrible marriage, you know. LORELAI: Actually, I didn't. DWIGHT: Oh, yeah, horrible, like a punishment out of Greek mythology. The women had five heads, suffering, agony. You know, I used to be taller? LORELAI: Really, she shrunk you? DWIGHT: I used to have more hair, too. LORELAI: Uh huh. DWIGHT: And higher arches. LORELAI: Wow. DWIGHT: But through all the screaming and the name calling, the berating and the humiliation, somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew someday I would have it – my oasis. Oh, that's what got me through. That's what kept me from sticking my head through a plate glass window every night when I got home. LORELAI: Well, that's a really nice story, Dwight. It's very inspiring and. . .oh, hey, this looks like it does something. DWIGHT: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah, this is the on/off spigot. LORELAI: Aha. DWIGHT: You just turn it to the right for on. LORELAI: Oh. DWIGHT: And the left for off. LORELAI: Seems simple. DWIGHT: It's very simple. LORELAI: Okay, so, twice a day. DWIGHT: Yeah, for a good fifteen minute soaking. LORELAI: I will soak my best. DWIGHT: I really appreciate it. LORELAI: Okay, well, you have a good trip. DWIGHT: I owe ya. [Lorelai walks back to her house; Rory is waiting on the porch] RORY: Where have you been? LORELAI: Get in the house. RORY: I thought you were gonna go get the mail. LORELAI: Go, go, go! RORY: What are you doing? LORELAI: Don't look around, stare straight ahead, no more talking to people ever! RORY: Mom! [Lorelai pushes Rory into the house] CUT TO AUCTION [An auctioneer stands on a stage running the auction; Lorelai and Michel are sitting in the audience.] AUCTIONEER: Next up, we have an occasional table from a distinguished, family-owned company in Vermont, circa 1912. We shall start the bidding at two hundred-fifty dollars. Do I hear two-fifty? Two hundred fifty, thank you. LORELAI: Wow, lots of garbage at these things. MICHEL: Always. You've got to be patient and wait for what you want to appear, then pounce. LORELAI: Hm, true at an auction, true at a singles bar. MICHEL: To put it crudely, yes. LORELAI: Crap, crap, crap that makes the previous two items not seem like crap. MICHEL: Could you keep your crap commentaries to yourself? AUCTIONEER: Four hundred dollars, we have four hundred, four hundred – going once, going twice, sold to bidder number sixty-five. LORELAI: Aw, wow, that was a good table. MICHEL: It was a good table, not a great table. LORELAI: We should've gone for it. MICHEL: Too expensive and too many scratches. LORELAI: We could've buffed the scratches out. MICHEL: Look, if you want it that bad, it's quite obvious that the buyer's children will be selling it at his probate in the very near future. LORELAI: You're awful. MICHEL: And he's old, now be quiet. [Emily walks over to them] EMILY: Lorelai? LORELAI: Oh, hey Mom, you remember Michel? EMILY: Yes, from the inn. MICHEL: Hello Mrs. Gilmore. EMILY: Didn't you see me waving at you before? LORELAI: Yeah. EMILY: You didn't wave back. LORELAI: It's dangerous to wave at an auction. You didn't see before, but when you waved you bought a motorcycle and a sidecar. EMILY: I did not. LORELAI: Circa 1912. Now would you drive it or would you sit in the sidecar? [A woman walks up to them] NATALIE: There she is, the Cobra. EMILY: Oh, now, Natalie. LORELAI: The what? NATALIE: This woman gets her way or she squeezes ‘til you comply. LORELAI: Like a superhero. EMILY: Ignore her, Natalie is just being Natalie. My daughter, Lorelai. LORELAI: Nice to meet you. NATALIE: Your mother's got such spunk. You must love her. LORELAI: I think she'd squeeze me to death if I didn't. EMILY: Natalie, you're embarrassing me. NATALIE: Oh, hush, Emily. Listen to this. . . our auctioneer calls in sick this morning, they are such flakes, and what is an auction without an auctioneer? LORELAI: Just a bunch of nuts with paddles surrounded by mismatched furniture? NATALIE: Exactly. But your mother got on the horn with that lazy Charlie and she squeezed and squeezed ‘til – voila – he suddenly felt better. The Cobra. LORELAI: The Cobra. EMILY: Oh, now, stop it. NATALIE: You're humble, don't be. Nice to meet you. LORELAI: Same here. NATALIE: Edna's group wants to give you kudos, too, Emily. Make sure to swing by. EMILY: I will. [Natalie leaves] EMILY: I should make the rounds. Say goodbye before you leave. LORELAI: Hm, I will, Cobra. EMILY: Stop it. LORELAI: It goes with the motorcycle thing, too. [Emily walks away, Lorelai sits down] AUCTIONEER: Do I have two hundred-fifty? Two hundred-fifty, thank you. Do I have three hundred? Three hundred, thank you very much. LORELAI: Oh, is this our end tables? MICHEL: Shh! AUCTIONEER: Moving on to three-fifty? Three-fifty, do we have four? LORELAI: Let me do the paddle. MICHEL: No. LORELAI: I just wanna hold it, it's still your thing. MICHEL: I'm losing my concentration. LORELAI: Fine. I'm gonna go get a drink. MICHEL: Please. AUCTIONEER: Do we have five hundred? [Lorelai walks up to the bar as a man is ordering a drink] PEYTON: Can I get a Merlot, please? BARTENDER: Yes sir. LORELAI: Oh, that sounds great, make it two. BARTENDER: [pouring drink] Got just enough for one and this is the last of the red, sorry. LORELAI: Aw. I'll give you two bucks for it. BARTENDER: They're free. LORELAI: Which makes two bucks a great offer, and this is an auction, right? BARTENDER: Yes. PEYTON: Three. BARTENDER: What? PEYTON: I'll give you three for it. LORELAI: Four. PEYTON: Five. LORELAI: Six. PEYTON: Six-fifty LORELAI: Ooh, losing steam. PEYTON: Just weighing cost versus benefit. LORELAI: Well, you've gotta think about these things. PEYTON: How about this? Can I get an empty glass? BARTENDER: Yes, sir. [Peyton pours some of the wine into the second glass] LORELAI: Aw. You're the Solomon of wine. PEYTON: Everybody's gotta be something. I got a few things coming up that I'm bidding on. LORELAI: Oh, oh. Great, the bartender and I are the only ones in the building that don't get to hold a paddle. PEYTON: Why don't you put a bid on one of the paddles? LORELAI: What would I use to bid on it? PEYTON: I'm Solomon, not Einstein. LORELAI: Bye Solomon. [Peyton walks away as the bartender pulls out another bottle of wine] BARTENDER: Oops, I had a spare bottle all the time. LORELAI: Oh, thanks. This was better. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai walks into the kitchen while talking on the phone] LORELAI: Hi, yes, I was at your auction yesterday and I was wondering if you could help me. Um, I met a man there and I would like to contact him but I didn't get his name and I wondered if you could look it up for me. He was paddle number seventeen, and. . .Oh right, confidential, got it. . .Well, you know, actually, I misspoke earlier because this isn't a complete stranger I'm trying to contact here, he's an old friend from school. . . Good question. Well, I don't know his name because I only knew him by his nickname. . .Uh, Shamu. We called him Shamu. He was kind of, um, a big guy in high school, but he's slimmed down quite a bit. . .No, see, I don't have time to contact the high school alumni committee because time is of the essence. . . See, Shamu and I went to a liquor store after the auction and we bought a lottery ticket together and we tore it and I took half and he took half, and I'll be damned if the thing didn't win! . . .Fourteen million dollars! . . .Really, but see, we have to claim it by four p.m. today or we forfeit. . .Ah, yes. . .Oh, well, but there's one more thing that I forgot to tell you. See, um, my blood type is o-negative and he's o-negative and I have a medical condition that. . .All right, then. Well, thank you anyway. Bye. [hangs up] RORY: So. . . LORELAI: Yes? RORY: You ran into your old friend Shamu? LORELAI: Mmhmm. RORY: And you won millions of dollars? LORELAI: Yup. RORY: And you need a transfusion? LORELAI: I'm just trying to get the name of a really cool guy I met at this auction, but they won't give it to me. RORY: Wow, that's a lot of effort. Must've been cute. LORELAI: And witty – you don't meet that everyday. RORY: You know who would have his name? LORELAI: Who? RORY: Grandma. LORELAI: Ah, no, she only knows the Bitty's, she doesn't know the young ones. RORY: She knows everyone at these kinds of things. You know Grandma. LORELAI: I cannot ask her for this. RORY: Then kiss Shamu goodbye. LORELAI: But maybe you could ask her. RORY: What? LORELAI: Come on, ask her, do me a favor! RORY: You want me to ask Grandma for the name of a man that I didn't meet at a function that I didn't attend? LORELAI: I'll share my lottery winnings with you. RORY: It's ridiculously transparent. LORELAI: Fourteen million dollars. RORY: But you're sharing half with him and taxes will take a huge chunk, and oh yeah – you didn't win the lottery. Ask her yourself. LORELAI: You're mean. RORY: Did you call information and ask them for paddle seventeen's listing? CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai, Rory, Emily and Richard are eating dinner] EMILY: What do you think of the pork? Rory? RORY: It's good. EMILY: I'm not sure. Richard? RICHARD: It's fine. EMILY: I'm not sure. LORELAI: It's really good, Mom. EMILY: Yes, well, I'm not sure. RICHARD: Pork is bred leaner these days. It has a different taste. Less fat equals less flavor. Yet another example of the great advances man has made, flavorless pork. Hurrah for the opposable thumbs. EMILY: All right, enough talk about pork. Please, someone change the subject. RORY: Mom had a really good time at the auction the other day. EMILY: Did you? LORELAI: Yes, yes, I did. EMILY: Well, I'm glad. Did you see anything you liked? RORY: Yeah, Mom, anything look good to you there? LORELAI: Yes, actually, I, uh, bought a couple of end tables for the inn. EMILY: I must say I was very impressed with the selection this year. I even wound up purchasing a couple of pieces for myself. RICHARD: Yes, how nice to have yet another chair you can't sit in. EMILY: It's one hundred years old. RICHARD: Wonderful. We can put it next to the two-hundred-year-old footstool you can't put your foot on. EMILY: Oh, Richard, please. RICHARD: I'm only teasing, Emily. It is one of the great pleasures of my life to be able to surround you with a house full of useless objects. No, I'm never happier than when we're standing in the corner staring at our furniture. EMILY: Eat your pork, please. RORY: You know, I believe there was something at the auction that Mom wanted but she didn't get. Isn't that right, Mom? EMILY: Oh really? What was that? LORELAI: I think it was a steamer trunk for Rory to take with her to military school, wasn't it, honey? EMILY: I don't remember a steamer trunk, but I can check on it for you if you like. LORELAI: That's not necessary, Mom. Uh, so, Mom, it was a very nice bunch of people you had at that auction. EMILY: Yes, very nice. LORELAI: I was surprised at how many young people were there. I mean, you know, younger people. Um, in fact, uh, like, for instance, this guy that I talked to for quite awhile, he was. . .younger. EMILY: What man was that? LORELAI: Oh, I didn't get his name, but he was a nice looking guy. He had a gray suit and he was paddle number seventeen. He likes Merlot. EMILY: Are you talking about Peyton Sanders? LORELAI: Oh, I don't know, maybe. EMILY: Wait one second, I'll look it up. LORELAI: Oh, no no no, Mom, you don't have to . . .she's looking it up. EMILY: Paddle number seventeen, Peyton Sanders. LORELAI: Oh great, oh, Peyton Sanders. Well, that's great that it's Peyton Sanders. . . ‘cause that's, uh, great. How well do you know this Peyton Sanders? EMILY: Why? LORELAI: What? EMILY: Why do you wanna know how well I know Peyton Sanders? LORELAI: I don't wanna know. I was just mentioning that he was, you know, seemed. . .uh, you know. . . EMILY: Young. LORELAI: Yes, young. Okay, Mom, uh, Peyton and I kind of hit it off and I wondered if you possibly had his number. . .okay, there, I said it. Pass the flavorless pork. EMILY: You're asking me for his number? LORELAI: If it's not a big deal, then yes. EMILY: Well, well, well. Richard, Lorelai's asking me for a man's number. RICHARD: So I heard. LORELAI: But if it's a big deal, forget it. EMILY: It's not a big deal at all. I don't have his number. LORELAI: Okay, then, never mind. EMILY: I can get his number. Would you like me to get his number? LORELAI: Um, it's up to you. EMILY: It can't be up to me. I didn't ask for his number, you asked for his number, therefore it has to be up to you as to whether or not I get his number. LORELAI: Okay, Mom. EMILY: Would you like me to get his number? LORELAI: Yes, if you don't mind. EMILY: I don't mind at all. LORELAI: Thank you. EMILY: You're welcome. LORELAI: I wasn't kidding about that military school. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai rushes down the steps] LORELAI: Okay, the clock is right! If we hurry, we still have time to hit Luke's for breakfast. What'd I forget? RORY: [rushing into the living room] Pants. LORELAI: Uh! Ooh, don't do that. Come on, let's go! RORY: I can't. LORELAI: You can't have breakfast? You have to have breakfast. RORY: The clock is wrong, I'll miss my bus. LORELAI: Forget your bus, I'll drive you to school. RORY: You will? LORELAI: Yes. Oh shoot! RORY: What? LORELAI: Dwight's lawn. RORY: Aw, there goes the breakfast sandwich. LORELAI: No, no, let's hurry, we can still do Luke's. RORY: Mom! LORELAI: Let's go! RORY: Agh, my shoes! LORELAI: You don't need shoes! In my day, we walked twenty miles in the snow just to get to our shoes! RORY: Aw, come on. CUT TO DWIGHT'S FRONT YARD [Lorelai and Rory walk up the front pathway.] LORELAI: Okay, come on, sprinkle. [turns on the sprinkler] There, drink up boys, we've got a breakfast to get to. [Rory walks to the porch and finds an envelope] RORY: Mom. LORELAI: What? RORY: I think this is for you. LORELAI: Lorelai? No, it must be someone else. Hey, don't read that. Do not read that. I'm telling you, no good can come from you reading that. RORY: ‘Dear Lorelai. . .' LORELAI: And she's reading it. RORY: ‘Just a couple of things that came to mind after we talked.' LORELAI: Oh great. RORY: ‘First of all, thank you for this very kind favor you're doing me. I still can't believe that any one person would be so kind to someone they just met.' LORELAI: Yeah, apparently Dwight's last home was Oz, and not as in ‘The Wizard Of.' RORY: ‘Second, since you are already coming over to take care of my lawn, I was hoping you wouldn't mind stopping inside and watering my African violets. I have written the directions on a separate piece of paper, there's a key in the planter by the door. Please go in, make yourself at home. I have food in the fridge, satellite TV, and a great collection of board games. My oasis is your oasis.' LORELAI: I'm not going in that house. Rory, do not pick up that key. RORY: But we have to water the violets. LORELAI: No, I didn't agree to violets. He threw the violets in after he'd already rooked me into watering his lawn. RORY: Don't you at least wanna see what his house looks like? LORELAI: Absolutely not. Key, please. Let me just say, if we walk in there and his dead mother is sitting in a rocking chair, not a bit surprised. [cut to inside Dwight's house] LORELAI: Oh, yeah, Dwight. RORY: This place is great. LORELAI: Someone took the whole lounge craze very seriously. [they see a large cabinet filled with board games] RORY: Oh my. LORELAI: Oh geez, he wasn't kidding. RORY: I have never seen this many board games. He's got Monopoly from every country in the world. LORELAI: Hey, when you finally meet him? RORY: Yeah? LORELAI: Remember he owns Twister – there's a great visual awaiting you. RORY: Got it. Hey, how come we don't have a tiki bar? LORELAI: Well, we are not two wild and crazy guys. RORY: You like pina coladas. LORELAI: And getting lost in the rain. RORY: I love it here. LORELAI: It's quite a statement, I'll give him that. RORY: Hey, African violets. LORELAI: Oh yeah, right. [cell phone rings] Just a sec. [answers phone] Hello?. . .Hi Peyton, thanks for calling me back. . .Well, I hope it was a good surprise. [whispers to Rory] It was a good surprise. RORY: Yay. LORELAI: [on phone] You just flew back on your jet, huh? . . .From Maui? Sounds great. . . Yes, I would love to get together with you. . .Um, I'm pretty flexible next week. What'd you have in mind? . . . David Bowie? RORY: What? LORELAI: I love David Bowie, I would love to go. . . Oh, well, yeah, it is a ways away, but. . .No, I think that sounds just crazy enough. RORY: What sounds crazy enough? LORELAI: Well, that sounds great, Peyton. It's a plan. . . I'll see you then, okay, bye. [hangs up] We're having dinner tomorrow. RORY: What were you saying about David Bowie? LORELAI: Well, first, he asked me to the David Bowie concert next week. RORY: You're so lucky! LORELAI: I know! And once that was set, he said that a week was an awfully long time to wait. RORY: He did not. LORELAI: So we're having dinner tomorrow. RORY: And Bowie next week. LORELAI: And Bowie next week. RORY: Two dates in one phone call. Talk about not wasting any time. LORELAI: He sounds very cool, and not just ‘cause he owns his own jet. RORY: Well, remember to tell him that the way to get to you is through your daughter, who desperately wants to go to Amsterdam. LORELAI: I will remember. RORY: I think this place is lucky. LORELAI: I think you may be right. Of course, creepy's the other word that comes to mind. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO LORELAI'S BEDROOM [Lorelai is getting dressed in the closet as Rory reads on the bed] LORELAI: [from inside the closet] The red skirt is not working. RORY: Try the blue. LORELAI: Blue let me down ten minutes ago, I think it's conspiring with the red. RORY: I wish you'd just wear the dress we picked out this morning. LORELAI: No, you know as well as I do, the morning butt and evening butt are two completely different butts. RORY: Well, whatever butt you've got tonight had better hurry because he's gonna be here any minute. LORELAI: Rats. Fine, okay, striped skirt, burgundy sweater, that's it. [walks out of closet] What do you think? And remember, I'm wearing this no matter what because I cannot spend one more second deciding what to wear, so the answer has to be, ‘You look fantastic.' RORY: You look fantastic. LORELAI: [grabs a shirt from the bed] Pink and black. RORY: With a flippy skirt. LORELAI: Grab a necklace? [Lorelai walks back into the closet to change] LORELAI: Um, okay, here is my concern. RORY: Voice it. LORELAI: Well, you know, I only saw this guy once for like ten minutes and the lighting was only so-so and I hadn't eaten anything, and, like, what if I'm remembering him a lot cuter than he was? RORY: I'm sure you're not. LORELAI: Yeah, but what if I am? You know how these things are. You get bored, you need a diversion, so you superimpose a really cute guy's face over a really scary looking guy. RORY: Well, then you'll just have to strike up a conversation with him and find out what kind of a man he is beneath the surface. LORELAI: What? On the first date – what will he think of me? RORY: Just order an extra dessert. LORELAI: Okay, fine. Well? RORY: I like the brown. LORELAI: Come here a sec, you've got some dirt on your forehead. I'm sorry, it's just the sign of the devil, my mistake. RORY: You look beautiful. LORELAI: Thank you. [they hear a car pull up] I think that's him. [they look out the window] Well, the car sure is pretty. RORY: Come on. [cut to them walking down the stairs] LORELAI: Okay now, if for some reason, he does turn out to have like a horn in the middle of his forehead, you will call me in one hour with a very high fever. RORY: Deal. LORELAI: God, I'm nervous. Why am I nervous? RORY: Because you're crazy. LORELAI: Yes, good, thank you. [Lorelai pulls open the door] PEYTON: Hi. LORELAI: [to Rory] You're feeling just fine. [to Peyton] Hey Peyton. PEYTON: Am I early? LORELAI: No, you're right on time. Peyton, I want you to meet my daughter, Rory. PEYTON: It's a pleasure, Rory. RORY: Hi. LORELAI: Okay, so, don't wait up and remember only two or three crackheads at the most, they eat all the good cereal. RORY: Deal. Have fun. PEYTON: It was nice meeting you, Rory. [to Lorelai] You look wonderful. LORELAI: Oh, so do you Peyton. So do you. CUT TO RORY'S BEDROOM [Rory is in bed, Lorelai knocks on the door] LORELAI: You up? RORY: What time is it? LORELAI: 10:15. RORY: Oops. LORELAI: Yup. RORY: What happened? He was hornless. [Lorelai sits down on Rory's bed] LORELAI: No, he had no horns, he also had no personality. RORY: Yikes. LORELAI: And no sense of humor. RORY: Gross. LORELAI: And no idea how boring he was. RORY: I'm sorry. LORELAI: That's okay. The evening started well enough – that is, until we got to the car. . .a Jaguar XJ8 convertible with a 290 horsepower engine, in case you were wondering. You weren't? Funny, neither was I. However, he told me anyhow. He told me a lot of other things about the car, also. Like, did you know how many inches the pistons are? I do! I also know the correct oil to use for it, how to treat the leather interior, and how to load it onto a flatbed truck in case of a flat tire. RORY: Geez, did he talk about anything else but the car? LORELAI: Not until we got to the restaurant . . .and the wine list. RORY: Oh no, he's a wine-y? LORELAI: Yes, he sniffed, swirled, swished, and did every other pretentious and borderline-disgusting thing that you can do with a glass of wine in a public place, and he did it all while describing to me the vintage discrepancies and the wood they use for the barrels in Palermo and the grape crop projections for the following year. And I, in turn, chimed in with my story about getting sick on Andre Cold Duck in the back of Peter Cutler's car in ninth grade. He didn't find that quite as charming. RORY: I can't believe that. That is one of your best anecdotes. LORELAI: I know! So I stopped talking. He continued talking and I just sat there thinking about Peter Cutler. How was Peter Cutler? Where was Peter Cutler? Was there any chance that Peter Cutler would appear and kill the man sitting across from me talking about torque? RORY: Was the food good at least? LORELAI: Tiny portions, weird sauces. RORY: I'm sorry. LORELAI: That's okay. You don't know until you try, right? Anyhow, I am going to go to bed now and dream of Peter Cutler. Hopefully, it will be dirty. RORY: What about Bowie? LORELAI: Unh uh! I'm not sharing Peter Cutler with Bowie. RORY: Are you still going? LORELAI: No. There's no way I could stand this guy for another night. I'll catch Bowie the next time he does a farewell tour. RORY: Bummer. LORELAI: I know. RORY: Night Mom. LORELAI: Night babe. Oh, and hey, tomorrow, I'll fill you in on how many hours you have to clock to get your pilot's license. RORY: I cannot wait. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Lorelai and Michel are at the front desk] LORELAI: Well, the quilting convention is sitting down to tea. MICHEL: Uh, I'm doing internal cartwheels. LORELAI: Any messages? MICHEL: Your mother called. The auction people dropped the lamp that we bought at her place and dropped hers off here and she's desperate to have it for some soiree at her house this evening. LORELAI: Oh, swell. Well, I guess I can take it to her when I do my other errands. I can pick up Rory, too. [picks up a bowl] This is cool. MICHEL: Yes, it was a personal purchase. LORELAI: I want it, what is it? MICHEL: An eighteenth century bleeding bowl. LORELAI: A bleeding bowl? MICHEL: When doctors bled patients, the blood had to go somewhere, no? LORELAI: Okay – return lamp, pick up Rory, boil right hand. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [The doorbell rings, Emily answers. Lorelai is holding a lamp] LORELAI: Hey Mom, I think this is yours. EMILY: Ah! Yes, it is. And I believe this is yours. LORELAI: Yes, it is. EMILY: That auction house is usually so good with deliveries. I'm surprised at the mix up. LORELAI: Oh, well, Gilmore and Gilmore – there's kind of a connection there. EMILY: Yes, I suppose there is. LORELAI: Okay, well, I have to pick up Rory in a little while, so we'll see you Friday. EMILY: Would you like to sit down, maybe have some coffee? LORELAI: Oh, I don't wanna leave her standing there. EMILY: Well, Rory doesn't get out for another half an hour. You've got a little time. LORELAI: Okay, I guess I can stay a minute. EMILY: Wonderful. I'll get you a stopwatch so you can keep exact time. LORELAI: Uh, that won't be necessary, Mom. [they walk to the living room and sit down] EMILY: So, how is everything? LORELAI: Everything's fine. EMILY: And how's everything with Rory? LORELAI: Everything with Rory's fine. EMILY: And how's everything at the inn? LORELAI: Everything at the inn is fine. EMILY: And how was your date? LORELAI: My what? EMILY: Your date with Peyton. LORELAI: Well, my date was, shockingly enough, fine. How did you know about his date? EMILY: His mother told me. LORELAI: You know his mother? EMILY: A little. LORELAI: Oh good. EMILY: So, tell me, what did you do? LORELAI: When? EMILY: On your date. LORELAI: Oh, well, we just went to dinner, that's all. EMILY: I heard you went driving around afterward. LORELAI: Well, sure, uh, you know, we drove in the direction of my house. I guess you could call that driving around. EMILY: I heard Peyton had a lovely time. LORELAI: Did he? Well, that's nice, I'm glad. I should really get going, Mom. EMILY: Oh, you have a little more time. I wanna hear more about your date. LORELAI: Well, it was just a date, you know, nothing special. Two people eating and talking – one person talking slightly more than the other. EMILY: Had he called you since? LORELAI: No, but – EMILY: Oh, well, it was only last night, there's time. I just think this is so exciting. LORELAI: You know what, Mom, I wouldn't get too excited if I were you. EMILY: Why not? LORELAI: Well, because we didn't really hit it off that well. EMILY: What? LORELAI: No one's fault, he's just not really my type. EMILY: What do you mean he's not your type? LORELAI: Well, we just don't have any of the same interests, and we didn't find a whole lot to talk about. You know, basically the date was kind of a dud. EMILY: Oh, well, that's too bad. LORELAI: Yeah. EMILY: Well, you'll just have to try a little harder on the next date. LORELAI: Excuse me? EMILY: Aren't you going to a concert together next week? LORELAI: Ah, that Peyton's a real Mama's boy, isn't he? EMILY: Just because he shares his life with his mother doesn't make him a Mama's boy, Lorelai. LORELAI: I'm not gonna go to the concert with him, Mom. EMILY: But I thought you had a plan. LORELAI: We did, but that was before we spent any time together and realized we can't spend any time together. EMILY: You're not gonna cancel on him. LORELAI: Mom, believe me, he won't be surprised. He didn't have that great a time either. EMILY: Lorelai, you have to go to the concert. You made a commitment to someone, you have to honor it. LORELAI: Mom, this is my business, okay? EMILY: Ugh, this is so like you. LORELAI: What is so like me? EMILY: You spend five seconds with a person and if they say one wrong thing, you turn on them and never give them a second chance. LORELAI: What? EMILY: You are extremely judgmental, Lorelai. LORELAI: I'm not extremely judgmental of the pot calling the kettle black. I spent two and a half hours with a man who talked about nothing but himself, his place, his car. . . EMILY: He's proud of his accomplishments. What's wrong with that? LORELAI: He didn't end world hunger, Mom. He simply made the grueling decision to spring for the bigger tires. EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: Mom, you know what, I have to go. EMILY: We're not finished discussing this. LORELAI: There's nothing to discuss. Rory's waiting. I'll see you Friday. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table] LORELAI: Ooh, I got you a present. RORY: What? LORELAI: In my purse. [Rory reaches into Lorelai's purse and pulls out a videotape] RORY: Cardio Salsa. LORELAI: Yeah, they play the Miami Sound Machine and you dance around, you get a really great workout. RORY: Why would you buy me this? LORELAI: Because I'll feel stupid doing in alone. RORY: Too bad. LORELAI: Come on. RORY: No way. LORELAI: Salsa with me. Pretend I'm Antonio Banderas. RORY: If you were standing in back of Antonio Banderas, I couldn't pretend that you were Antonio Banderas. LORELAI: Don't you want your mother to live a long and healthy life? RORY: Not if I have to do Cardio Salsa. LORELAI: What? RORY: Nice knowing you, senora. Adios. [Lorelai's cell phone rings] LORELAI: I would salsa for you. RORY: Well, luckily, you'll never have to. LORELAI: [answers phone] Hello. . .oh, Dwight, hi, it's nice to hear from you, too. . .yeah, hey, how did you get my cell phone number? . . . oh, yeah, gotta love that Babette, huh? . . . oh, the lawn's fine. . .okay. . .okay. . .sure, Dwight, you have a safe trip. . .yeah, bye. [hangs up] It seems that Dwight has been checking the weather reports and Stars Hollow is going to be extra sunny for the next few days, so he was wondering if instead of watering the lawn twice a day for fifteen minutes, we could water it three times a day for ten minutes. RORY: He should really get a dog. LORELAI: Only if that dog doesn't mind using the bathroom at the gas station ‘cause that lawn is definitely off limits. RORY: True. LORELAI: So, I have to get back to the inn. . .could you, um, water for me? RORY: It was your idea to do it. LORELAI: I can't, I have a China shipment coming in. RORY: Do it tonight. LORELAI: Dwight says it needs it now, and if we let that lawn die, he's gonna vibe us for the rest of our lives. RORY: Not me, I'm going off to college next year. LORELAI: You'll be home for holidays. RORY: Maybe not now. LORELAI: You would stay away from me on holidays just because of Dwight? RORY: Hey, nobody wants vibing on the holidays. LORELAI: Rory, please? I'm gonna be seriously late if I have to go all the way home. RORY: Fine. LORELAI: Thank you. You're my favorite daughter. RORY: You say that to all your daughters. LORELAI: Yes, I do, but I only mean it with you. RORY: Bye. LORELAI: Bye. [Rory leaves; Lorelai's cell phone rings again] LORELAI: Oh, Dwight, please, you are on a business trip – get a hooker. [answers phone] Hello? RICHARD: Lorelai, good, I'm glad I got you. I just wanted you to know that I am playing golf with Peyton's father Brennan on Sunday. LORELAI: Okay. [pause] Wear sunscreen. RICHARD: I will call you afterward and we can evaluate how to proceed from there. LORELAI: What are you talking about? RICHARD: Well, I'm not sure how much damage has been done so I need some time with the man to assess whether or not a simple apology will work. LORELAI: Apology from who? RICHARD: From you. LORELAI: For what? RICHARD: For the way you treated Peyton. LORELAI: Are you serious? RICHARD: Of course I'm serious. LORELAI: Dad, this is none of your business. RICHARD: It certainly is my business. [Lorelai walks outside] LORELAI: No, who I date or do not date is absolutely none of your business. RICHARD: Peyton's mother is in the DAR with your mother. LORELAI: I know that. RICHARD: She's also on the Opera Committee with your mother, the hospital board with your mother, the horticultural society with your mother. LORELAI: I get it, they hang, what's the point? RICHARD: This woman is a very important person in our social circle. She may have taken what you did the wrong way, which could affect her relationship with your mother. LORELAI: Dad, all I did was not go on a second date with her fully grown son. There's no way she's gonna be mad at Mom for that. RICHARD: Lorelai, you obviously do not understand the way things work in your mother's world. There is a certain protocol that must be followed, social rules that dictate proper behavior, and these rules must be very strictly adhered to. LORELAI: Dad, I'm not going out with Peyton again, period. RICHARD: Lorelai, let me tell you a little story. Now, two years ago, Sally Wallington's check for the winter formal bounced. LORELAI: So? RICHARD: It took her two weeks to replace the check. LORELAI: So? RICHARD: When Sally attended the next DAR meeting, she was served the last cup of tea. LORELAI: Soooo? RICHARD: Before this unfortunate incident, Sally Wallington always received the first cup of tea. When she was suddenly demoted, your mother moved up to the prime tea spot, and she's held that spot ever since. Now, she's very proud of that spot, and now she's afraid that this little incident may jeopardize it. LORELAI: Dad, I explained this to Mom and I'll explain it to you. I'm not sixteen, I don't live with you anymore, I've been making my own decisions, romantic and otherwise, for a long time now and you can play all the golf you want but the subject better be letting chicks into the Augusta Golf Club because my love life is officially off limits. RICHARD: Didn't you hear what I just said? LORELAI: About the tea? Yes, I heard it, and I'm sorry, but it sounds insane. RICHARD: Of course it sounds insane! It is insane, that is not the point. LORELAI: Okay, then what's the point? RICHARD: The point is your mother is upset, and I don't want her to be upset. Now, you may not understand her world, I may not understand her world, but it is her world, and in her world it is very, very important that she have the first cup of tea. And I don't care about your independence or what you told your mother or anything else you have to say – if my wife wants the first cup of tea, she's going to have the first cup of tea, that's it! Now, I will call you after I play golf. [hangs up] CUT TO DWIGHT'S FRONT YARD [Rory turns on the sprinklers, then walks into the house. The phone rings] DWIGHT: [on answering machine] Hey, it's Dwight, leave a message, I'm listening. WOMAN: [on answering machine] Dwight, hi it's Doris. Doris, your wife, remember me? The woman who was asleep in bed when you snuck out the window like a spineless little worm! How dare you sneak out like that, you sniveling little pond scum sample! I should call Erin Brockovich to bring a lawsuit against your parents, you steaming lump of toxic waste! You really thought you could get away from me? From me? I would've found you sooner if I had bothered to look, but now I have, I found you, and all I can say is this – I want my board games back! I want them back and I want them back now! And I will hunt you down to the ends of the Earth until I get them back – especially the Trivial Pursuit! [Rory walks outside and tries to turn the sprinklers off, but instead turns them up higher] RORY: Whoa! Agh! [she tries to turn them off] Whoa, gross! [she gives up and pulls out her text pager] Dean, please have your pager with you, please, come on. Dean, come on! Damn you and your Unabomber tendencies! Aw man! [runs away from the house] CUT TO SIDEWALK [Rory, soaked from the sprinklers, runs down the street and bumps into Jess] JESS: Whoa, whoa, slow down. RORY: Get out of my way. JESS: I like the new look. It's very Blue Crush. RORY: Hilarious. JESS: What's the matter? RORY: Nothing. JESS: You're walking pretty fast for nothing. RORY: Well, our president said exercise and I am very patriotic. JESS: And completely soaked. RORY: Where is everyone? JESS: Who are you looking for? RORY: No one. JESS: Rory, stop. What's the matter – other than the fact that you're obviously out of towels. RORY: This guy moved in across the way from us and we said we'd water his lawn and the grass can only be watered in ten minute increments, otherwise the lawn drowns, and the thing is stuck and it won't turn off and I have to find someone, Luke or Taylor or . . .[Jess starts walking away] Where are you going? Jess! CUT TO DWIGHT'S FRONT YARD [Rory follows Jess up the pathway to the spigot] RORY: You don't have to do this. I didn't ask you to do this. I can just find someone else to do it. [Jess turns off the sprinkler] Aw, you made it look so easy. JESS: Yeah, it was loose. You just had to press down and give it a good twist, that's all. RORY: Well, thank you. JESS: You're welcome. So things are good? RORY: Oh, yeah, really good. JESS: School? RORY: Good. JESS: Still gonna do the Harvard thing? RORY: Yeah. JESS: Good. RORY: Yeah, good. So. . .[pager goes off] My pager. JESS: Yeah, I figured. [Rory checks the pager, then puts it away] JESS: Who is it? RORY: It's, uh, Dean. I paged him earlier to come over and help me and he just got the message, so he's. . . JESS: Coming over to help. RORY: Yeah. JESS: Okay. [Jess turns the sprinkler back on and walks away] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [The doorbell rings, Emily answers the door] LORELAI: Hi Mom. EMILY: Hello Lorelai. RORY: Hi Grandma. EMILY: Hello Rory. That's a pretty sweater. RORY: Thank you. [they start walking to the living room] EMILY: I do love you in blue, you should wear blue more often. Buy her more blue, Lorelai. LORELAI: Oh, I'll get right on it. So, I brought you something Mom. EMILY: Oh really? Soda, Rory? RORY: Yes, please. LORELAI: Um, these are some pictures from Sookie's wedding. There's a great one of you and Dad dancing. I put them in an album for you. EMILY: Well, that's very nice, thank you. LORELAI: You wanna see? EMILY: I'm making drinks right now, Lorelai. LORELAI: Right, later it is. EMILY: [hands Rory a glass] Here you go. [hands Lorelai a glass] Here. LORELAI: Oh, guess I'm having wine. EMILY: You didn't want wine? LORELAI: Wine's fine. EMILY: Give it back, I'll get you something else. LORELAI: No, I'm good with wine, Mom. EMILY: I can make you a martini, would you like a martini? LORELAI: No, I just – you usually ask me what I want, and tonight you didn't ask me what I wanted so I didn't have a chance to tell you how much I would love some wine. EMILY: I bought some cheese to have before dinner. RORY: Great, we love cheese. LORELAI: It goes great with wine. EMILY: I will be right back. [leaves room] LORELAI: Boy, it's cold in here. RORY: It's a lot colder where you're sitting. LORELAI: Ugh. She's mad at me. RORY: Yup. LORELAI: Think she's gonna be mad at me all night? RORY: Yup. LORELAI: I guess I should go in there and talk to her. RORY: Yup. LORELAI: You wouldn't wanna go in there and talk to her for me? RORY: Nope. LORELAI: Good thing you don't get paid by the word. RORY: The sooner you get in there, the sooner you get cheese. LORELAI: Fine. CUT TO KITCHEN [Emily is preparing a plate of cheese as Lorelai walks in] LORELAI: Need some help? EMILY: No, I'm fine, thank you. LORELAI: Mom, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. EMILY: Sorry for what? LORELAI: Sorry about the whole Peyton thing. When I asked you for his number, I didn't think. . . EMILY: Think about what? LORELAI: Think about what would happen if things didn't work out with us. I mean, I know his mom is your friend, and I shouldn't have even gotten mixed up in this whole thing if I wasn't prepared to remember that what I do will affect you, and to me it's just a Bowie concert, but to you, it's not. I was a little thoughtless and I'm sorry, but you have to understand that I was not lying when I said we had a bad time. We had a really, really, really, really, really bad time. I swear, it was one of the worst times I've ever had, it was awful. Do you remember skiing with the Danners and their Dobermans? EMILY: Oh, God, yes. LORELAI: This was worse. And, by the way, not just for me – it was pretty bad for him, too. It wasn't like he was in love and I was miserable. We were both in pain – deep pain, Marathon Man kind of pain. But despite all of this horrible pain that we were both in, and would be in again if we had to spend one more second together, if you really want me to, I will go to the Bowie concert with him. EMILY: Well, your saying that means a lot. LORELAI: Hm. EMILY: Thank you, Lorelai. Borrow Rory's sweater when you go. [leaves room] LORELAI: [sings] Ground control to Major Tom. . .
Plan: A: Lorelai; Q: Who attends Emily's society auction? A: Emily's society auction; Q: Where does Lorelai meet a handsome man? A: her mother; Q: Who did Lorelai have to ask for the number of the man she met at Emily's auction? A: first; Q: What date did Lorelai have that was disastrous? A: a lot; Q: How much did Emily and Richard have invested in Lorelai dating the son of their friends? A: their new neighbor's lawn; Q: What do Lorelai and Rory agree to water while he's out of town? A: Jess; Q: Who comes to Rory's rescue when the lawn sprinkler system malfunctions? Summary: Lorelai attends Emily's society auction where she meets a very handsome man but neglects to get his number, forcing her to ask her mother for it; after a disastrous first date, Lorelai turns down an invitation to another, not realizing that Emily and Richard have a lot invested in her dating this son of their friends; after Lorelai and Rory agree to water their new neighbor's lawn while he's out of town, Jess comes to Rory's rescue when the lawn's sprinker system malfunctions.
"Full Moon Rising" Cast Dawson: James Van Der Beek Grams: Mary Beth Peil Joey: Kaite Holmes Tamara: Lee Ann Hunley Pacey: Joshua Jackson Mitch: John Wesely Shipp Jen: Michelle Williams Gail: Mary-Margaret Humes Andie: Meredith Monroe Jack: Kerr Smith *Dawson's room: on the television, a wolf is jumping over a cliff and there's a full moon in the background.* Dawson: Is there anything more beautiful than a full moon? It looks close enough to touch but it's a million miles away. *The camera starts zooming around the room leaving Dawson and Joey nowhere to be seen but still heard.* Joey: It's actually only 240,000 miles away, Dawson, and it won't be completely full until tomorrow night. *The camera focuses on the open window* Dawson: Well... *Wind blows through the window then CUT TO Dawson and Joey outside sitting on the roof with the reflection of an almost-full moon in the window behind them.* Dawson: (cont.) It's still romantic. Joey: *makes a face* How did the moon become the state flower for romance? I mean, it's just a natural satellite that reflects the sun's light. Dawson: Well, casting it's peaceful and silent glow over a chaotic world. I love a full moon. Joey: But peaceful, Dawson? A full moon turns everything off-kilter it turns everything upside-down. I mean, weird things always happen during a full moon. Dawson: Is Joey Potter being superstitious? Joey: *defensively* No, scientific. Dawson: *perplexed* How do you figure that? Joey: Human beings are made up of 70% water, right? Dawson: Yeah. *He kisses her on the chin.* Joey: *smiles* And the moon controls the time. Dawson: Mm-hm. *Dawson kisses her on the lips* Joey: Pulling great bodies of water back and forth, it does the same thing to us. Dawson: *still kissing Joey* Really? Joey: Pulls us in different directions, disrupting the normal flow of things, and Dawson? Dawson: Yeah? Joey: I'm telling you. Weird things always happen during a full moon. Dawson: You're scaring me. *Dawson slips on the roof.* Dawson: Oop! *he laughs* Joey: *seriously* Very funny. *Joey looks back up at the full moon.* [Opening Credits] *Mitch and Tamara are walking in downtown Capeside* Mitch: Can I see those plans one more time? Tamara: Absolutely. Mitch, I don't mean to sound desperate, but I really am anxious to sell this place, so if you're at all interested, I will make you the fairest offer known to man. Mitch: Is it that bad being here? Tamara: Let's just say Capeside really is a bridge I should burn. Mitch: Tell you what? Give me one more look at those plans, and I promise you I'll make a decision. *Cut to Jen walking and Vincent catches up with her* Vincent: Hey Jen. Jen: Hey. How's it going? Vincent: Where's your evil other half? Jen: Oh, Abby? Abby and I are in a trial separation period right now. Vincent: Lucky you. So Jennifer...I'm desperate. You've got to help me. What goes on in this town? Jen: Not much. Vincent: You know...I've been here a week now, and you're the first breath of fresh air that's blown through and you probably think I'm flirting with you. Jen: And you're not? Vincent: I am, but I thought I would acknowledge it and smooth things out a little. Jen: It helped....a little. Vincent: Wait. Look, I'm not very good at this so please bear with me. I have been at sea for the last 18 days with a bunch of ill-mannered, drunken idiots, and I would really love to reacquaint my brain with the simple pleasures of life. Jen: Which are? Vincent: Well, conversations that don't offend my mother's virtue with 4-letter words and an exotic cup of ground roast coffee. So, please, if you have any compassion for the working man, say you'll show me the gentler side of Capeside. Jen: Well, I suppose it would be my civic duty. Vincent: Tonight? Jen: *makes a face like she can't* Ohhh. *gives in* 7:30. 22 Seafare Drive. Vincent: I'll be there. *Cut to Andie walking into the video store where Pacey is watching a porno.* Pacey: Well, if it isn't Little Miss McPhee. Andie: I'm just here to get a video, Pacey. Pacey: Can I help you? Andie: Don't bother.. I can help myself. Why don't you just go back to your....Debbie Does Dallas? Pacey: It's, uh, Jacuzzi Floozies, actually. You ever notice how the most interesting part of a p0rn movie is the title? Think about it. You got The Sperminator, Romancing the Bone, Little Oral Annie... Andie: I don't know why they bother being clever. I mean, they're all the same to me. They should have the same title: Women Pacey Will Never Do. Pacey: Ouch. You know, McPhee, we really should just bite the bullet. Andie: Meaning? Pacey: All this verbal sparring we're doing is getting a little dangerous so we should just go out on a date before somebody gets hurt. Andie: Forget it. Pacey: Come on. You know you want to. Andie: Well, maybe if I was asked politely. Pacey: Okay. Andie..would you like to go on a date with me tonight? Andie: Okay. Pacey: *sarcastically* Well, don't sound too enthused. Andie: I'll try to restrain myself. So where are we going? Pacey: Uh, how about the movies? That way we don't have to talk to each other too much, less chance of punches being thrown. Andie: Good idea. Pacey: Great. I'll pick you up at 7:30. You live on Windsor, right? Andie: *panicked* Um, I'll meet you there. Pacey: No, it's okay. It's a date. I can pick you up. Andie: Okay, well, how about we meet at the Icehouse? I mean, neutral ground. Pacey: Andie, it's fine. Your house is on my way. Andie: Well, maybe we shouldn't do this. Pacey: Come on, Andie. Don't wuss out on me now. Andie: *hesitant* Well, okay. Um, 7:30. See you there. Don't be late. Pacey: *looks confused, then smiles* Cool. *Cut to Andie outside the video store smiling.* *Cut to Jen in a drugstore looking at make up. Abby walks in* Abby: Hey! So you're not still mad at me, are you? Jen: What? For calling me a desperate loser? Gee, why should I be? Abby: I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I always get a little wiggy around this time of the month. *steals a lipstick* Oops. Look, let's never let a guy come between us again. Men will come and go, but you and I are kindred spirits. We're rebels bound together by the common need to break out of this small town abyss. Jen: Alright. Are you sure that you're okay with this whole guy thing? Abby: Absolutely. Jen: Okay. Great 'cause I've been dying to tell somebody. I've got a date with Vincent. Abby: You bitch. Jen: What? Abby: After everything I've done for you...how could you go and steal him from me? Jen: Are you out of your mind? He doesn't even know that you exist, Abby. *They leave the drugstore* Abby: You might want to stop and pick up some condoms. You're in the big leagues now, babe. I mean, that guy probably has illegitimate kids scattered up and down the eastern seaboard. Jen: Shut up, Abby. Abby: Yeah, he probably likes it kinky, oh but that's right. You're the girl from New York City, right? Jen: I'm warning you, back off. Abby: Yeah, ol' Vincent probably knows an easy lay when he sees one. *Jen turns around and bitchslaps Abby.* Jen: Don't you ever talk to me again! Ever! *Cut to the Leery's kitch. Gail is cooking and Joey and Dawson are doing homework at the kitchen table. Mitch walks in* Mitch: Hey guys. Dawson: Hi Dad. Joey: Hi Mr. Leery. Mitch: What is with the Betty Crocker routine? Gail: I'm playing ambassador to a visiting reporter from the city. Happens every couple of months. This time, rather than going out, I thought I'd have him over here for dinner. Mitch: Him? Gail: Yeah, him. Gary Somers. He's going to be our New York roamer and affiliate. Mitch: It's Saturday, Gail. That sounds more like a Thursday night excursion. Dawson: What are Thursdays? Gail: It's work, Mitch. It's for work. Mitch: You know, somehow the fact that he's a coworker doesn't provide me much comfort. I wonder why. Gail: At least I have coworkers. Mitch: Meaning? Gail: Meaning, I work. Therefore, I have coworkers. Mitch: Oh, Gail. You can do better than that. Joey: I gotta go to work. Dawson: I'll go with you. *Dawson and Joey exit into the hallway* Joey: What was that all about? That Thursday night stuff again. Dawson: Joey, my parents are scaring the hell out of me. Joey: Don't worry about it, Dawson. It's just the full moon. It puts everyone on edge. I gotta go. Bye. *Joey leaves and Mitch storms down the hallway.* Dawson: Dad, what was that all about? Mitch: *angrily* Not now, Dawson. *He goes upstairs* *Cut to Jen applying makeup in her mirror* Grams: You sure you don't want to come to bible study, dear? It's the Book of John. Tonight he baptizes the sinners. Jen: I'll pass, Grams. Grams: If you ignore the religious ramifications, you might find it simply entertaining. Jen: Nice try, Grams. Grams: Well, I won't be late, dear. *timelapse...knock on Jen's door. Jen opens it and it's Abby. She walks in.* Abby: I cannot believe that you would hit me. Me! Your best friend! Jen: Well, need I remind you that in the past two days you've called me a bitch, a slut, and a loser. Abby: Yeah, but I would never hit you! Jen: You're warped. You know what? Why don't you just go home? Abby: Why? Is the dork from the docks comin' a-callin'? Jen: Yes, he is. See ya later. *Cut to Gail and Gary in the Leery living room.* Gary: The Atlanta convention? A total disaster. 600 reporters without reservations, erased. Imagine that chaos. Gail: Wow. *Doorbell.* Gail: Oh, excuse me, Gary. I'll be right back. *Gail opens the door revealing...Tamara* Tamara: Hi. I'm here to see Mitch. Gail: Oh. Really? Tamara: Yes, I'm-- *Mitch cuts her off* Mitch: Tamara. Come in. Tamara: Hi Mitch. I'm leaving tomorrow, so I thought you might want to take another look at the blueprints for the warehouse while you're making your decision. Sorry to sound so desperate. Mitch: No. Let's take a look. Gail, you've met Tamara. Gail: *angrily* PTA meeting. *Cut to Icehouse where Joey is sketching a lone customer while Jack makes oragami figures out of paper. Joey stops and counts her tips.* Joey: $2.08...Saturday night. Where is everyone? Jack: Relax. Enjoy the quiet. Joey: If Mr. Bottomless Cup of Coffee would leave, I'd close the place. Jack: You really don't like being a waitress, do you? Joey: What gave you the first clue? Jack: Your utter disdain for our customers. Joey: And you find this new vocation stimulating? Jack: Absolutely. Come on. At what other time in your life are you ever going to be exposed to so many different walks of life, so many different people that just randomly cross your path, each with a different story, different set of hopes, different set of dreams... Joey: Ways to blame you for their food being cold, there are not enough clams in the chowder.. Jack: Why are you so angry? Joey: It's just the full moon. It's got me freaked. Jack: Not just tonight. All the time. *Jack walks off and Joey ponders what he just said.* *Cut to Jen and Vincent. Jen hands him a cup of coffee* Jen: Here you go. Just a touch of milk. Vincent: Thank you. Ah, it's nice being off the boat for a night. Jen: You enjoy that? I mean, being out at sea for such long periods of time? Vincent: No. Saving up for law school. My uncle owns the marina over in Bayboro and he hooked me up with the job. Jen: You're going to be a lawyer? Vincent: I know. You would have never guessed, would you? Jen: No. Vincent: No? Jen: I'm sorry, no, I don't mean to be rude. I just.. Vincent: I know. Appearance is everything. Jen: Unfortunate, isn't it? Vincent: Not from where I'm sitting. Jen: Are you flirting with me again?,br> Vincent: I can stop. Jen: Where would the fun be in that? Vincent: That's a good point. *Cut to Leery's. Tamara and Mitch are looking at the blueprints. Dawson looks in.* Tamara: Okay, well, with the entrance here, and this area has excellent ventilation, I think that would be a good place for the kitchen. Mitch: Right. How high are the ceilings back here? Tamara: What did I say? 17? 20? *Dawson moves and looks in at his mom, confused.* Gary: We were trying to get... Gail: Get a statement from him in the middle of the worst snowstorm New England had seen in 40 years. Gary: *laughing* And he was on the next plane out of here. *Cut to the kitchen when Mitch walks in and finds Dawson.* Mitch: What are you doing? Dawson: Nothing. Gail: *in other room* Would you like another glass of wine? Gary: Yeah, sure. Mitch: What is your mom up to? Dawson: Same as you. *Gail comes in* Gail: Same as who? Mitch: Oh, nothing. Dawson: Nothing. Gail: So Mitch, you really think that you are going to buy this condemned building to open up a restaurant? Mitch: Yes, I do. Gail: Who are you fooling? It's clear what's going on here. You jumped down my throat for having over a guest when it is obvious that your Thursday night escapades are overflowing into the weekend. Dawson: All right. What's going on? What are Thursday nights? Mitch: Go to your room, Dawson. Dawson: No. I... Gail: Honey, now. Mitch: I'm planning on opening a restaurant. Now, you know this. Gail: And how are you going to buy the building? Mitch: I got a loan, Gail. Gail: That's good because I'm getting tired of indulging in the dreams of a man who can hardly look me in the eye. Mitch: Well, I am sorry that I have been such a burden to you. While you've been in there playing with Gary or Bobby or whoever it is this evening, I've been indulging some of my own dreams. Gail: Oh and those dreams...they involve Dawson's english teacher? Mitch: They involve a damn restaurant. Not everything is about s*x, Gail. At least not to me. *Cut to Dawson laying on his bed.* Abby: Great. *Dawson flies up in shock discovering Abby peering out his window into Jen's house with binoculars.* Dawson: Oh my God! What the hell are you doing in my room? *Cut to Pacey at Andie's. He knocks on the door. Andie's mom answers* Andie's Mom: Yes? Pacey: Hi. I'm here for Andie. We have a date tonight. Andie's Mom: You must be Pacey. Come in, please. Pacey: Thanks. She's not mad at me, is she? I just...I got kind of mixed up between the Icehouse, movie house, your house. It's confusing really. Andie's Mom: I'm sure she'll be along soon. Pacey: Oh. You know, we're going to miss the movie now. She's going to annihilate me. Andie's Mom: I'm sure you can talk her out of it. She's very taken with you. Pacey: She is? Andie's Mom: She talks about you all the time and Will, that's Andie's father, he'll be home any minute. I'm sure he wants to give you the third degree. And Tim! You should meet Tim! *yelling* Tim! Tim! *to Pacey* He's got those darn headphones on. Pacey: Who's Tim? Andie's Mom: Andie and Jack's older brother. He goes to Columbia. He comes home some weekends. I'll tell you what? You can stay for dinner. You finish the table. Include Andie and yourself. Pacey: Sure. Andie's Mom: Tim? Tim! *Andie's Mom goes upstairs looking for Tim* Pacey: Okay. This just became a bizarre first date. [SCENE_BREAK] *Cut to the Icehouse. Jack is tapping at the lobster tank.* Joey: Hey. How's our lone customer? *The lights go out...then come back on.* Joey: *looking around* Oh my God! The pump is down! Jack, if the lobsters die, we're going to lose a fortune. Jack: I...I didn't touch it. Joey: We have to remove these from the tank and put them into some ice. Can you go get that tub over there? Jack: Hey, why don't we just throw 'em back in the ocean. Give them another chance at life. Joey: Yeah, if you do that, you can just jump right in with them. Hurry up! *Andie comes into the Icehouse* Andie: Is he here? Jack: Who? Andie: Pacey Joey: I haven't seen him. Andie: Well, I was supposed to meet with him tonight, so I went to the movie theater and I waited til after the show started, and he never showed up. *notices them lifting out the lobsters* What are you guys doing? *They ignore her* Uh, so anyway. Then I remembered that we were supposed to meet here, but now he's not here either. So that must mean he's either totally blowing me off or...Oh my God! Jack: What? What's the matter? Andie: Jack, the house! He said he wanted to pick me up! What if he goes to the house?! Joey: Good. It's about time Pacey showed some etiquette. Jack: Andie, look. Don't worry about it, alright? It's okay. Andie: Are you crazy? If he shows up and she's...oh my God.... *She runs out* Jack: Andie! Andie!! *Cut to Jen's house at her kitchen table* Jen: Okay. Alright. *Vincent laughing* Jen: My turn. My turn. Okay, uhhh most...most embarrasing sexual encounter. Vincent: Oh, no. Jen: Oh, come on. Vincent: Okay. I can tell you this because I'm a secure man. Jen: Mm-hm. Vincent: One night, in New Orleans, I got so drunk...couldn't see straight. I met this woman. She was beautiful. We went back to her place and, uh, you know, we started getting closer and closer to.. Jen: The moment? Vincent: The moment. And she tells me...she's a he. Jen: *laughs* Mmm. Vincent: Yes. I swear. 100% knockout beauty, crying game drag queen. Jen: So, what'd you do? Vincent: Well, nothing you know. I mean, he or she or whatever was actually really great about it. We stayed up all night drinking and laughing. Turned out to be a really nice guy. I heard his whole story. Abusive father and, um, so now, whenever I'm in New Orleans, I have a free couch. Now, your turn. Jen: Hmm, most embarressing sexual encounter. Well, um, I got caught doing it on my parents' bed. Vincent: Hmm. Jen: With an ex. Vincent: Yeah. Jen: Right on my dad's 300-thread count. Did not go over well. Vincent: Mm-hm. Jen: And plus, it completely spoiled the moment. Vincent: Bummer. Jen: Yeah. My dad can be kind of harsh sometimes. I guess me and your drag queen friend have got something in common. *They kiss* Vincent: I hope that's the only thing you two have in common. *They start kissing again* *Cut back to Dawson's room.* Abby: Oh my God! Dawson: Abby. Okay, Abby? One more time, you're in my room because..why? *Abby gets up* Abby: Cute room, Dawson. Dawson: I'm not asking again. Abby: Alright. But you can't tell anyone. Jen is on a date with this older guy, and quite frankly, I'm concerned. Dawson: So you're spying on her? Abby: Well of course. Dawson: Go away, Abby. Abby: Parents getting you down? I heard the screaming. Dawson: I think the dead heard. Abby: Well, don't stress. Just let them fight, and soon they'll wise up, get a divorce, and everything will get better. Dawson: A divorce is better? Abby: Yeah, it's certainly a home improvement. My dad has never been happier, my mom went out and got herself a life, and my allowance has quadrupled. You're so tense, Dawson. *She gets back behind him* Mm, you smell good, Dawson. Dawson: No offense, Abby. But this isn't going to happen. Abby: Why? Joey doesn't have to know. Dawson: What?! Abby: Alright. Well, the, can we just kiss in front of the window so that Jen can see? Dawson: Abby. Abby: Alright, alright. Well, can you just tell Jen that we made out? Dawson: Jen would never buy it. Abby: Well, you can make it sound clever so she'd believe you. Just, um, tell her that you and Joey have decided to have an open relationship and that you and I have hooked up. Very legit. *Abby leaves and Dawson thinks about what she said and he comes to a realization.* *Back downstairs. Dawson walks into the room where Tamara and Mitch are talking.* Tamara: Very legit. Mitch: Well, I have to talk to my lender but.. Dawson: Hey dad. Can I talk to you for a second? Mitch: Yeah, sure. Excuse me. *Mitch walks out of the room and Dawson shuts the doors* *Cut to Dawson walking into where Gail and Gary are talking.* Gail: Yes, all the reporters prefer it. Dawson: Mom, can I talk to you for a second? It's very important. Gail: Uh, excuse me. Gary: Sure. *Gail walks out of the room and Dawson shuts the doors.* Mitch: What is this all about, Dawson? Gail: Yes, honey. We have guests. We're being rude. Dawson: Are you two having an open marriage? *Cut back to Jen's house* Jen: Um, okay. Alright. I think that we've taken it far enough. Vincent: What do you mean...far enough? Jen: Well I mean, don't you think? Vincent: Yeah, well, the blood's out of my head. Jen: Mm, you know? I think it's kind of getting late. Vincent: What happened? We were just getting to the good stuff. You're not serious. Jen: Look, I'm 16, okay? How's that going to look on your law school application? Vincent: You're what?! Grams: 16 years old. Vincent: Oh my God. Grams: Not even God will be able to save you if you don't get your hands off my granddaughter right this instant! Vincent: Okay. *Cut to Andie's house. Andie walks in.* Pacey: Hey, you're here. Andie: Hi. What are you doing here? Pacey: Listen, I'm sorry. I kind of got confused where I was supposed to pick you up. But don't worry. Your mom's being real cool about it. Andie: Okay, good. Let's just go. Pacey: Actually, I kind of told your mom that we'd stay for dinner. Andie: Okay, well, w-we'll just sneak out. They'll never miss us. Pacey: Um, don't you think we should tell her first? She said she'd be right down. Andie: Look, you have no right to be here, okay? You were not invited. My family is none of your business. And what's with my mother? What did you say to her? Pacey: Slow down a bit. What's the problem here? Andie: What did she say to you? Pacey: Nothing. Okay? She just invited me into this normal Rockweel painting, better known aw your home, and politely invited me to dinner. It seems like unlike her spoiled, rich society girl of a daughter, I'm actually worthy in her eyes of meeting the Country Club father and the Ivy League brother. Andie: Okay, look, let's just go them. Pacey: No. We're not leaving, okay? That's rude. Andie: Please, Pacey, please. Pacey: What? Are you so ashamed of me you don't even want me to meet your own brother? Andie: No. Just...not now, okay? Pacey: Andie? Andie! Andie: What? Pacey: What's the problem? Andie: Tim died. He's dead, okay! *Cut back to the Icehouse* Joey: Look we have about 10 minutes before these lobsters take a back swim. I'm screwed. No, I'm dead. Jack: Okay. Joey: Uh... *Jack is trying to fix it* Jack: Alright. Okay...there. I think I got it. *The power goes out.* Joey: Nice going, Einstein. Customer: Try unplugging the power source and then plugging it back in. *Jack does it and it works.* Joey: Thank you Mister. Jack: Okay, that's weird. Joey: Full moon, remember? Jack: Yeah right. Joey: I just wish he'd leave. I mean, how much coffee can a person consume? Jack: Joey, I don't think he's really here for coffee. Joey: Well, he didn't order any food. Jack: I think he just doesn't have any other place to go. Or, you know, maybe he doesn't have a family or, um, you know maybe he did, but they're gone now. We really don't know anything about him. Joey: Maybe he lost his wife or something. Jack: Or a child. *Camera goes back to the table and the customer is gone* Joey: That was weird! It's like he just.. Jack: Disappeared. Joey: Yeah....no tip. *Jack holds back and picks up a napkin and under it there was a $100 bill.* Jack: Joey! Joey: $100?! Oh my God! Jack, we're rich! *Joey hugs Jack* Oh my God. Jack: Hey, look at this. Look what else he left. Joey: *reading* By moonlight many years ago my true love did I know, and by that moon I begged her wait but that night did she go. So, young lovers, heed my words, don't squander love away. The moon is changinger ever still, soon comes the light of day. *Joey starts to walk away when Jack grabs her by the arm and kisses her* *Cut back to the Leery kitchen* Mitch: It's not what you think, Dawson. Dawson: What I'm thinking is that you two have completely lost your minds. When were you planning on telling me? When you had the revolving door installed? What were you thinking? Gail: Do you hear that, Mitch? Our son wants to know why we're having an open marriage. You know what, sweetheart? So would I. Talk to your father. Mitch: Look, it's complicated, alright? Your mother and I were attempting to heal some areas in our marriage. Dawson: And you think an open marriage was the answer? Mitch: Okay, I admit it was a mistake Dawson: It doesn't take a degree in psychobabble to figure that one out, Dad. Gail: My thoughts exactly. Mitch: Now, exactly where do you get off being angry? You did this, Gail, I didn't. We wouldn't be in this position if you hadn't put us here. Gail: I give up. I can't apoligize anymore. I've got a colleague in the other room. Dawson: Mom, stop! Stay here. You have to stay here, and you've got to fix this! Gail: No. I have to get back to work if I'm going to continue to support your father and his pipe dreams. Mitch: You have never supported me! Ever! Gail: I have been supporting you for years. Mitch: There's more than one way to support someone, Gail. You stand behind them, and you encourage them, and you believe in them. You don't turn your back on them and jump into somebody else's bed! Dawson: Dad! Gail: I'm sorry, Dawson. Dawson: Mom! *Gail leaves.* Dawson: *yelling* God, dad! You can't just let it go, can you? Look, she made a mistake alright? I know that, you know that, she knows that. She's been trying to get you to forgive her and you won't let her off the hook! You've got to...you've got to get beyond your own ego and just forgive her. Make the decision alright? Commit, forgive her, and then go in there and fix this family. Dad, you've got to fix this. Mitch: I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do, and I don't have any answers. I thought I did, but I don't. My dad...your granddad had answers, man. To every question. He taught me so much. He taught me how to shave...you know? He taught me...how to drive a car...save money...build a house, even. But, you know, he never...told me what to do if my wife cheated on me. *crying* I didn't know to ask. I didn't know...oh, god... *Dawson gets up and puts his hand on his father's shoulder for whatever little comfort it holds.* *Cut to Jen on her porch steps. Grams comes out.* Grams: I do not know what to do with you anymore, child. Jen: Please don't preach to me right now. Grams: Oh, there'll be no talk of God. I'll leave him out of it. This is between you and me. What I witnessed tonight is something I never want to see again. Jen: I had that situation under control, okay? You don't have to get upset at me. Grams: Oh! I am not upset, child. I am sick. I will NOT allow you to slide back into your reprehensible New York behavior. Not while you're under my care. You will not disrespect me. Jen: Wait a minute, that's not.. Grams: You wait a minute, Jennifer. This behavior will NOT be tolerated. You will treat me with respect and you will act like a lady. You will not degrade yourself. Not under my roof and not in my lifetime. Have you no respect for yourself? *Cut to the Icehouse. Joey walks outside and finds Dawson and is suprised* Joey: Dawson! What are you doing here? Dawson: I had to get out of that house. Hey Jack. Jack: Hey. Uh, Joey, why don't you, uh, why don't you take off? I'll finish up. Joey: Okay. *Joey and Dawson walk away and Joey looks back at Jack* *Cut back to Andie's house. Andie and Pacey are talking* Andie: Columbia had just beaten Cornell. It was homecoming almost exactly a year ago. Dad had had one too many tailgate martinis so Mom was driving. Jack and I were fighting for Tim's attention. We were always fighting for his attention. And, um....she didn't see the truck. Please don't say anything to anyone, Pacey, because I don't want my mom to become the town gossip. Pacey: I won't say a word. Is your mother getting any help? Andie: We've tried. She was in the hospital for a little while. Dad kind of bailed and, um, he checks in once a week. He lives in Providence with the business, which is going under, so he's hurting, too. So it's basically just me. I mean, Jack helps, you know, some. But he kind of lives in this fantasy world where if you don't think about it, then it just didn't happen. I mean, she's not always like this. I mean, sometimes she's fine. But you just never know, and I'm the only one who can handle her, and sometimes that just gets really hard. *She starts crying* Pacey: *trying to hug her* Come here. Come here. *Andie pushes him away.* Andie: No. Don't pity me, okay? Pacey: Andie, come here. Andie: No. Pacey: Come here. *Pacey hugs Andie* It's okay. It's okay. *Cut back to Dawson's house. Joey and Dawson are climbing up the ladder.* Dawson: You were so right about that moon. Joey: Yeah? *Joey starts going through the window and Dawson stops her.* Dawson: Hey, can we just sit outside for a couple minutes? Joey: Are you okay? You seem a little spooked. Dawson: I just, I don't want to go back in that house. It's like the house of despair. Joey: Dawson, um, I had a really weird night, too. Dawson: You know, let's just forget about everything. All I want to do for the rest of this godforsaken night is just stare at your face in the moonlight because that's the only thing that matters to me. *They kiss* Dawson: Hey, look up in the sky. What do you see? *Joey looks up at the sky.* Joey: The moon? Dawson: No, no. Look at...look at the moon. Close your eyes. Now what do you see? *Joey doesn't say anything.* Dawson: It's the man. Joey: Who? Dawson: The man, remember? Joey: Oh, right, right, right. The man in the moon. I get it. I get it. Oh, but wait! Dawson: What? Joey: It's not a man, Dawson. It's a...woman. *They kiss* Dawson? Dawson: What? Joey: Look I think *she starts to tell him about Jack but sees the depressed look on his face and stops*....you're right. It's a....it's a really beautiful moon. *Cut to Mitch and Gail in the living room* Mitch: Our guests have jumped ship. Gail: It's time, Mitch. Mitch: I know. So.. Gail: Do you want me to.. Mitch: Mm, I'll go. *Cut to: "Hands" by Jewel playing in the background. Cut to Dawson and Joey on the roof staring up at the moon. Dawson starts crying and leans his head on Joey's shoulder. Joey pulls him close. Cut to Jack reading the note the customer left and then looking up at the moon. Cut to Pacey still hugging Andie. Cut to Mitch laying on his bed. Cut to Gail out on the porch in her chair, rocking back and forth. Cut to Jen on her porch steps. Cut back to Dawson and Joey. Joey pulls Dawson closer and looks up at the moon. Cut to a shot of the moon with fog moving over it covering it up*
Plan: A: Parental problems; Q: What casts a shadow over Dawson and Joey's new romance? A: a shadow; Q: What do Dawson and Joey's problems cast over their new romance? A: Pacey; Q: Who struggles to comfort Andie when she unloads her emotions on him? A: the McPhee's homelife; Q: What is Pacey troubled by? A: a date; Q: What does Jen have that makes Abby jealous? A: a late night kiss; Q: What do Joey and Jack share? Summary: Parental problems cast a shadow over Dawson and Joey's new romance. Pacey is troubled when he sees the McPhee's homelife and struggles to comfort Andie when she unloads her emotions onto him. Jen has a date that makes Abby jealous and Joey and Jack share a late night kiss.
OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Quinn: I don't know how you take it, cream or sugar, so I brought both. Amanda: I don't take it. Do they always do this? Quinn: Yeah. They do that. Amanda: Good. God. I was starting to think it was me or something. Quinn: It is you. They're talking about you, Amanda. Everyone's gonna be talking about you. Stephen: No. No way. Abby: Are you kidding? Stephen: What if she's lying? Abby: What if she's not? I vote yes. Olivia: We're not voting. Stephen: It's Monica all over again, except without the blue dress, without any kind of proof. Abby: Who needs proof? The girl said she slept with the president. Stephen: Liv worked at the white house. That alone makes it a giant conflict of interest. Abby: Oh, please call me when you grow a pair. Olivia: We're not voting. Huck: She seems scared. I'd vote yes if we were voting. Harrison: It's Sandra Harding. Her son didn't make it to court. Day one can you believe it? Who are we voting on? Olivia: We're not voting. She's ours. We're keeping her. It's done. Olivia: Sandra, we'll find him. Stephen: I'll go to court and help the defense stall. Olivia: You're gonna have to get creative. Harrison, you're with me. Huck, find Gideon Wallace at the "D.C. Sun" I want to talk to him today. Abby, take Amanda home, pack up her things, make sure - Abby: No one no one is following her and set her up at your apartment. Got it. [SCENE_BREAK] COURTHOUSE Judge: I'm losing my patience, Mr. Cole. Mr. Cole: Uh, I'm told he'll be here very soon, your honor. A Presidential motorcade is blocking Massachusetts Avenue. Judge: Ah. Yet, here we are. Attorney: Perhaps the defendant should take one of his helicopters, your honor. Stephen: We're running out of time, Liv. [SCENE_BREAK] HOTEL Olivia: Well, keep stalling. Harrison: Room service. We've got your breakfast. Girl: I don't think we ordered any. Harrison: I love my job. Olivia: You might want to put on some clothes for this. Excuse me. Olivia: Up and at 'em, Trav! Travis: Oh-ho-ho! Livvie! How the hell are ya? Olivia: I'm fine. You're late. Travis: Hey, do you know who this is?! This is the Olivia Pope. She's amazing. She works for the...Who do you work for now, the White House, CIA, FBI? Olivia: Today? Your mother. Travis: Oh, crap. Olivia: She's not too thrilled about the fact that you were late for court on your first day of trial. Olivia: Is this what you're looking for? Travis: Just give me, like, two minutes. All right? Where are my pants? Harrison: Whoa. Why don't we why don't we rinse the booze off first? Judge will appreciate that. Travis: I know I've been hitting it pretty hard lately, going out. I've just been so stressed out. Olivia: A rape charge does it to the best of us. Travis: I didn't do it. I no- Olivia: I know. I believe you. Now let's go work on that judge and jury. Olivia: You. May I ask a favor? [SCENE_BREAK] COURTHOUSE Judge: Court's adjourned. Back here at 2:00 with your defendant, or I'll lock him up for the rest of the trial. Mr. Cole: Thank you, your honor. Stephen: How are you holding up, Sandra? Sandra: I can't lose him, Stephen. I won't lose him. Stephen: I know. I know. [SCENE_BREAK] HOTEL Harrison: Get my good side, gentlemen. [SCENE_BREAK] HOTEL - UNDERGROUND Travis: Is there anything you didn't take care of, Liv? Olivia: Your hotel bell. It's a doozy. Travis: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Sandra: He really did forget what time the trial started. Olivia: Sandra. Sandra: You're right. He screwed up. Olivia: He's lucky the judge didn't throw him back in jail. This isn't a parking ticket. He's on trial for rape. Sandra: He didn't do it. He didn't rape that girl. Olivia: I believe you, but if I'm the jury, I'm already resenting him for wasting my time. Sandra: Which is why I would like you on this thing. You can guide our defense team, keep Travis in line. Olivia: Unh-unh. No way. Today was just a favor. Sandra: Liv. Olivia: Sandra, I love you. I love your son. But I am on retainer for your company, not your family. I help with mergers and P.R. I don't babysit 27 year olds. Sandra: I know that Travis is irresponsible. I know that. I try to tell him that he has to step up, fix his own mistakes. Part of it is on me. After Hal died, he went through a very rough time, and I didn't always have the time to help him sort through all of that stuff. And these girls see the son of a rich C.E.O., and they get dollar signs in their eyes. That girl is not the victim here. Travis is. Please. You've handled difficult clients before. Olivia: Not ones who didn't show up in court. And I already got Travis one of the best defense lawyers in Washington. He doesn't need me. Sandra: I need you. I spend all day listening to people who tell me what they think I want to hear. You are the only one who will give it to me straight. He could be in a lot of trouble here, Liv. I need someone on our side who I can trust. Olivia: People don't say no to you very often, do they? Sandra: Probably about as often as they say no to you. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - PRIVATE RESIDENCE Fitz: What's happening? Mellie: Morning, honey. Fitz: What's happening? Mellie: I called Mrs. Hanley and I canceled your morning schedule. Fitz: Uh. Oh, for the love of... Mellie: You haven't been sleeping. You paced until 4:00 A.M. I wanted you to get some sleep. Fitz: I had a video conference on hunger in the developing world. Mandela got outta bed. Mandela was waiting for me. Mellie: People die if they don't get enough sleep. Fitz: The chairman of the joint chiefs and I had a meeting, I was sitting with the economic advisors. Mellie: You needed one chance to sleep in. Fitz: I am the leader of the free world! I do not sleep in! Mellie: Why aren't you sleeping? Fitz: Mel... Mellie: I just want you to have what you need. You know that. I'm doing a tour of D.C. homeless shelters this afternoon. I have to give a speech. Wish me luck. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Gideon: Hey. Quinn: What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here. You have to stop showing up here. Gideon: Are you always this high-strung? Quinn: No. I'm just new. Gideon: It's kind of charming. Relax. I have a meeting with your boss. Quinn: Um, Olivia, I... Gideon: Hey, where are you going? We have a meeting. Olivia: No, we don't. Gideon: You called me. Your guy said that you wanted to talk to me about- Olivia: Why would I want to do that? Gideon: I don't know. I imagine so you can try to kill my story about Amanda Tanner, which there is no way in hell I am gonna let you do. Olivia: I don't have to kill your story, Gideon. You're going to kill it yourself. As soon as you publish even anything remotely interesting about my client, all of the real reporters at your paper are going to snatch it right out of your cub reporter hands. By the way, great piece yesterday about how the cherry blossoms are so late to bloom this year. I do hope they come soon. This is how this works. You're gonna leave Amanda alone and keep her name out of your paper for the next 72 hours. You do that, and I will give you some background on her. And if you're lucky, a quote. Gideon: That sounds fair. Okay. Good meeting. Olivia: There was no meeting. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Amanda: You bring a lot of clients to your home? Olivia: Just the ones that need to be kept out of the public eye. Amanda: So, what happens next? Olivia: Next we talk about things. Amanda: Okay. Olivia: Not bad things. Just things that will help me. For instance, I need to know if you have any proof of what went on with you and the President. Amanda: Why do you need that? Olivia: Because if it ever came down to his word against yours, we'll need proof of what happened, because even though I believe you, others won't. Amanda: I have something, yeah. I'm not ready to tell you what it is. Olivia: Amanda. Amanda: My terms. You said we could do this on my terms. I'm not telling you until I'm ready. Olivia: Okay. Hopefully, it won't come to that. Hopefully, we'll figure this out, which brings me to the second thing I need. What's the end game? Amanda: The end game? Olivia: A question I ask every client what they want. What's your best outcome? Do you want money? Do you want to stay in Washington? Do you want your job back? You have options. Amanda: I want to see the President. Olivia: Excuse me? Amanda: I want to see the President. I want one meeting with him, alone, face-to-face. [SCENE_BREAK] RESTAURANT Cyrus: No. No, it was the caucus. We were in Des Moines debating, and the moderator raises the question. Billy: Mm-hmm. Cyrus: And Fitz just looked ... Olivia. Olivia: Oh, please. Billy, can you give us a minute? Billy: Um, I'm, uh, eating shrimp scampi, so, no. Olivia: Billy. Billy: Liv, I'm eating, and he's paying. Do you know how rare that is? Look, you used to be the work wife, but word on the street is, your spots open, so you really think I'm leaving this table? Olivia: Billy, leave the table. Cyrus: Billy, leave the table. Cyrus: Work wife. I suppose that's true. Olivia: It is true. Was true. Cyrus: He's not sleeping. Olivia: Not my problem. Cyrus: So what does my ex-work wife want? Olivia: Amanda Tanner wants a sit-down. Fifteen minutes with him. Cyrus: You and I both know- Olivia: And then she goes away, for good. This is legit, Cyrus. Cyrus: And then this goes away? Olivia: Then you'll buy scampi only for me. Cyrus: We made a President together. Olivia: We did. Cyrus: I miss you. Olivia: Yeah. Me, too. Cyrus: He's not sleeping. Olivia: Cyrus, neither am I. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Mr. Cole: The woman's name is Helen Fisher. She went home with Travis willingly. Claims that things got out of hand, he wouldn't take no for an answer. Stephen: How are you explaining the bruises? Mr. Cole: Self-inflicted. After the fact. Travis is innocent. Abby: Aren't they all? Mr. Cole: No. Hell, no. But Travis is. I have tried millions of these cases. It's a classic he said, she said. It'll all come down to Olivia: Perception. These cases always do. And you're how do I say this? You're being perceived by the public, and more importantly, by the jury, as an entitled rich boy who thinks he can get away with anything. To change that, you play by my rules. Harrison's your babysitter. You do not drink. You don't go out. No more blondes, as charming as she was. Travis: Whatever you say, Liv. [SCENE_BREAK] OUTSIDE DAVID ROSEN'S APARTMENT David: You're obsessed. Do I need a restraining order? Olivia: A restraining order? For a friend who brings you free coffee? David: We're not friends, and that coffee is not free. What do you want? Olivia: Jane Powell she's prosecuting the Harding rape case. You got any- David: Dirt? Dirt on Jane Powell, my friend and colleague? So you can threaten or intimidate her? Olivia: Oh, please, you hate Jane Powell. Jane Powell is gunning for your job. You're so touchy pre-coffee. David: Beat it, stalker. Olivia: That's no way to treat a friend. David: We're not friends. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: No luck with the U.S. attorney. I got nothing on the prosecution. Where's the jury? Stephen: Uh, these ten are voting guilty. Quinn: But the trial's not even over. How can you say that for sure? Stephen: Demographics, body language, sociological, and psychological factors. We've ruled out all but two as potential non-guilty votes uh, juror 4 freelance graphic designer, bartender, voted for Nader. Olivia: He's independent, contrarian. Good. Stephen: And juror 6, uh, N.R.A. member, retired marine, winces every time the prosecution speaks. Olivia: So he's an Alpha male with a grudge against the female prosecutor. Great. Love it. Huck, what'd you get? [SCENE_BREAK] DRY CLEANERS Juror: I can't discuss it. That's final. When the guy is in jail, you can ask me anything you want. [SCENE_BREAK] LAUNDROMAT Juror: No, man. He is a total date raper. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Huck: Jury's set to hang him high. Stephen: Day three of trial, and we've lost them already. Olivia: Abby, what do we have on Helen? Abby: I went to her work. [SCENE_BREAK] NONPROFIT CHILDREN'S ORGANIZATION Woman: Thursdays at Tony's. Helen and I had a longstanding weekly drinks date. Abby: Oh, I know the drill. I used to be so hungover on Fridays during law school. Woman: It wasn't like that. Helen would have one, maybe two drinks. She never wanted to be hungover around the kids. Plus, working here, for a nonprofit? It's all she could afford. Excuse me. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Abby: The bad? Helen's a Saint. Special ED advocate. Head of the American University Alumni Club for D.C. A saint. Which I might add, you have to be to win a he said, she said case without coming out looking like a regretful slut who was asking for it. Olivia: You're killing me. What's the good? Abby: The good is she's broke. I checked her credit reports. She's over 250 grand between student loans and credit cards, and financially, the girl's drowning. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Sandra: You want me to settle? Olivia, that's out of the question. Olivia: Helen is an airtight witness. We need to stop her from cooperating with the prosecution any further, and we've already lost the jury. Sandra: He is innocent. The evidence is paper-thin. Olivia: Photographs of bruises on a pretty girl prove to be very effective. In a case like this, perception is more important than evidence. The truth doesn't matter. He looks guilty. He is guilty. Sandra: We'll win on appeal. Olivia: That'll take two years, minimum. In the meantime, Travis will be in prison. We've got an opportunity here. The girl needs money. You have a lot of money. You only have one son. Settle. Sandra: Do whatever you have to do. [SCENE_BREAK] COURTROOM Olivia: That's $8 million in three installments. Mr. Cole: In a way which makes it clear. The attorney representing Mr. Harding was totally unaware. Stephen: The gag order and confidentiality clause are standard. As Charles here's hopefully explained, It means you stop cooperating as a witness. Mr. Cole: I am not here. I was in the building on another case. I just- Stephen: Which will force the prosecution to drop the case. Olivia: They've offered to throw in an extra $500,000 to the special education charity of your choice if we leave here with an agreement. Lawyer: Ten. Mr. Cole: Ten? That is preposterous! You must-I'm sorry. Ignore me. I'm not here. Lawyer: Ten. Up front, one payment. Olivia: I can sell 9. No more. Lawyer: Done. Helen: No. Lawyer: Helen, we're not going to get a better offer. Helen: I said no. Olivia: You're angry, Helen. I understand that. But the quickest way to put this behind you is to settle this now or you're looking at years of appeals, years of unfinished anger- Helen: How much would you take, Ms. Pope? Olivia: I'm sorry? Helen: If you were me, how much would it take you to be able to forget? To forget you'd been strangled, had your clothes ripped off, had some guy pin you down while he forced his fist inside your mouth so hard, you could taste your own blood? How much would it take you to be able to forget all that? To be able to even think of having s*x with somebody again? To wake up every morning and not want to kill yourself when you realize it wasn't just a dream, it actually happened? How much would it take you to forget all that? $10 million? 20? How much would you be worth? Hmm? How much? Olivia: Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Fitz: Thank you for your service. Military: Thank you, Mr. President. Fitz: Thank you. Thank you for your service. Military: It's an honor, Mr. President. Fitz: Gentlemen, thank you all. Cyrus: Thank you. Fitz: Did you see that? Cyrus: Hmm? Fitz: They had prosthetic hands. That man saluted me with his left hand because his right hand was blown off by an I.E.D. while he was busy keeping us safe. This country. Its heart. Cyrus: I wish you were a cynic. Being President is easier for a cynic. Olivia wants a meeting. One sit-down with Amanda Tanner, and it all goes away. I think, I think it's worth it. We do it casually, discreet, somewhere off the grounds. You hear her out, and then it's done. We're free. This is a chance to put Amanda Tanner behind you. Fitz: Olivia will be there? Cyrus: Like I said, your life would be so much easier if you were a cynic. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Harrison: Three days out, we let this go to jury and we're screwed. Stephen: Well, it's going to because she won't settle. Quinn: So we lost? I mean what happens when we lose? We're just done? Olivia: We're never done. If we lose this round, we prep him for appeal. If we lose that, we prep him for a second appeal, because whatever happens, there's always another move. Whatever happens, we do not give up. It is my name on that door, and I do not give up. Abby: It's not personal. Olivia: She really doesn't like the word "lose". [SCENE_BREAK] HARDING HOUSE Travis: It feels kinda cheap. Harrison: It is. Juries have a natural bias against the exceedingly rich. Travis: Well, I have a natural bias against rayon. But hey, if it'll help me look as innocent as I am, I love it. Hey, man, be straight with me. What's the point of all this? I mean, if she won't settle, I'm going to prison, aren't I? Harrison: No more yellow ties. Blue. You can trust a man in blue. Travis: But maybe we didn't go high enough. Maybe we should try again. I mean, they always take the money in the end. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA'S APARTMENT Amanda: Okay, I can't talk. Not now. You have to stop calling me. Olivia: Who are you talking to? Amanda: That reporter from the "Sun". He keeps calling me. Olivia: Look, I'm not gonna take your phone away, but I cannot stress the importance that you only take calls from your parents and my staff. You cannot answer your phone, not even to tell someone to go away. Damn it. He knows something. He's chomping at the bit. He must have something. Quinn: He likes me. Olivia: What? Quinn: The reporter. Gideon. I think he likes me. Maybe I could talk to him, find out what he knows? Olivia: Harrison? Harrison: I want permission to look into Travis' finances. Olivia: What are you thinking? Harrison: He said something about settlements, how they always take the money. I think we should know if he's speaking from experience. Olivia: Be careful. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Harrison: In '08, he made 3 payments of $200,000 to a woman in Arlington. Abby: Her name's Rachel Kline. 23 year old waitress at Darcy's in Georgetown. Olivia: Let's track her down, find out what the money was for. Abby: Can't. She's dead. Stephen: Committed suicide three years ago. Pills. Harrison: 600 grand is one hell of a tip for your favorite waitress, huh? Huck: All the marks of a cover-up here. Quinn: Covering up what? Stephen: Liv, I know Sandra's your friend, but- Olivia: If he raped that girl and paid her off, it makes it a lot more likely he raped Helen, too. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - CYRUS BEENE'S OFFICE Fitz: Looks like we're gonna get 458 pass from the Senate. A nice victory for bipartisanship. What? Cyrus: I thought we were good, problem solved. But this just came in my mail my personal mail. Fitz: What is it? Cyrus: It's an audiotape. Do they call them audiotapes now, what, with CDS and all? I'm old. Fitz: Cyrus, you're rambling. You don't ramble, so now I'm nervous. Cyrus: Sir, you'll want to hear this. Fitz: Cy... Cyrus: From that first day when you asked me to run your campaign, I dreamed a lot of dreams, big dreams. I knew you were going to be President, but, I never dreamed I'd be listening to a tape of you moaning with a White House aide. That's what that is, right, you with your pants down, having s*x with Amanda Tanner? Fitz: Cyrus, I... Cyrus: You don't talk. You don't talk anymore. Someone sent this to me. You get that? Amanda Tanner is blackmailing you, which means that Olivia Pope is blackmailing you. Fitz: This isn't Liv. Liv didn't do this. She wouldn't do this. Cyrus: Mr. President. Fitz: Liv wouldn't do this. Cyrus: I don't want to believe it either, but... Fitz: Liv is not behind this. She wanted a meeting. She wanted to put this to bed. Cyrus: You know what happens at that meeting? They ambush you. There were no demands that came with this. Just the tape. The demands come in the meeting when you're face-to-face, when they have you by the balls, when they're in control. We both know that's how Olivia Pope works. There isn't gonna be a happy ending. Liv isn't coming home. Fitz: Okay. Cyrus: She's not gonna forgive you. Fitz: Okay. Cyrus: She's going to take a knife and she's going to gut you, and she's going to walk away. Fitz: I said okay! Oh, my God. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES/WASHINGTON, D.C. STREET Abby: I just left Rachel's parents' house. Harrison: The mother tell you anything? Abby: She wouldn't talk, but she didn't have to. She's a fourth grade teacher, and there's an S-Class in the driveway. Looks like a 2007, maybe a 2008. Harrison: That's an $80,000 car that came out the year her daughter was paid off. It must have been Rachel's. Abby: Exactly. You want to know the best part? There's an American University sticker on it. Harrison: Helen went to American. Abby: Harrison, I'm gonna need you to get- Harrison: Already on it. LAB: Worker: You're not a cop. Harrison: Not even close. Worker: Usually, all we get down here are cops. Sometimes lawyers, but you're not a lawyer, either. Harrison: I'm definitely not a cop. Some days I'm a lawyer. But today I'm just a single man looking for evidence. An old rape kit from a few years ago, if you even have it. The name Rachel Kline. Worker: You flirting with me? 'Cause I test rape kits all day, hundreds of 'em, backlogged so bad, it'll be ten years before some of them even get opened. You know what's in a rape kit, guy who's sometimes a lawyer, but not a cop? Swabs from her lips, her cheeks, her thighs, her hair, her cervix, the panties she was wearing when he pulled 'em down, the little bits of him they combed off her body, and the comb they used to do it. So if can give you something that's gonna get some justice for one these women whose pain and shame is in these bags, just ask me. I'll do it. But if you want anything else, you've come to the wrong place. Harrison: The rape kit will be fine. Thank you, ma'am. Worker: Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Quinn: Hey, Gideon. Hi. It's, uh, Quinn Perkins from Olivia Pope and Associates. I was wondering if you wanted to grab a drink with me tonight if you're not busy. If you are, it's completely and totally fine. We could do it another time tomorrow, or next week, or never at all, ever. Okay. Sure. Bye. Quinn: What? Huck: You're weird. Quinn: I'm not weird. Huck: Weird is good. Quinn: Thank you! [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES/WHITE HOUSE Stephen: Amanda settling in okay? Olivia: I'm sorry we didn't vote. Stephen: We never vote. Not really. Olivia: Trust me. We're on the right side of this. Stephen: Whose side, Liv, the white house's, Amanda's? You have a conflict of interest so big in this thing, I don't even think there's a word for it. Olivia: Mellie. Mellie: I hope I'm not catching you at a bad time. Olivia: No, not at all. What can I do for you? Mellie: Well, you know we have that state dinner tonight, and I checked, and I couldn't believe it, but it looks you didn't receive an invitation. Which was an oversight, I swear. Olivia: I'm flattered, truly, but... Mellie: Eight o'clock! See you then! Harrison: You're gonna want to see this. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Abby: She met Travis in a bar in Adams Morgan. Stephen: She was just out of American, working at a lobbying firm. After a night of heavy drinking, Rachel went home with Travis, and he raped her. Harrison: She filed a police report, rape kit and all. Two days later, he made payments three payments to her account. Bought her an S-Class to sweeten the deal. Huck: She recanted her story to the police, thought she could just move on, but she couldn't function. Had to move back in with her parents. Abby: And then one night about a year later, she swallowed enough Seconal to end her life. She was found by a friend. Her best friend. She changed her hair from brunette to blonde, but it's still- Olivia: Helen Fisher. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: You were right about Helen. She was after Travis, but not for the money. She was after Travis because four years ago, he raped her best friend. Her name was Rachel Kline, and you destroyed her life, Travis. But you're not guilty of raping Helen, and Rachel can never testify against you, so you'll go free. Sandra: Is this true? Travis: M-mom Sandra: Answer me, honey. Travis: I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to disappoint you any more than I. I'm sorry. I screwed up, and I tried to fix it. I tried. You told me, you, you always said, I should fix my mistakes, so I took care of it. I handled it. [SCENE_BREAK] COURTROOM Mr. Cole: You went to Tony's on Thursdays because the defendant went there on Thursdays. Isn't that right? Helen: No! It- Mr. Cole: You went every Thursday for six months. Isn't that correct? Helen: Yes, but you're Mr. Cole: You stalked him, didn't you? Lawyer: Objection. Argumentative. Judge: Sustained. Mr. Cole: You approached him as a brunette, and then, when he didn't respond, you changed your hair color so he would notice you. Helen: No, he hurt me! He pinned me down. He- Judge: Ms. Fisher, stick to the questions. Mr. Cole: You were obsessed. You change your hair color, you follow Travis around. So you could seduce him. You went home with him, you had consensual s*x with him, and then you set him up. Set all of us up. [SCENE_BREAK] COURTHOUSE Sandra: He's gonna get off isn't he? They're destroying that girl in there. Travis is gonna be just fine. I signed him up for everything when he was a kid. Hockey, soccer, lacrosse. I figured, if I couldn't be around, at least he'd stay busy, maybe he wouldn't notice. He was great at everything, made every all-star team. In ten years, I never made it to a single game. Olivia: It's not your fault. Travis: He hurt someone, Liv. He held her down and he-My son did that. He's a...What should I do? Tell me. Olivia: There's nothing you can do. Who he is, what he is, it's not your fault. [SCENE_BREAK] WASHINGTON, D.C. BAR Bartender: Here you go. Huck: Hey. Quinn: What, what are you doing here? Huck: Setting you up. Quinn: Setting me up? Huck: Virgin margaritas for the lady all night, and whatever her date orders gets a 3-finger pour of booze in it. Put your hair down and take that jacket off. Flirt just enough, but not too much, and do not let him see you home. Quinn: I can handle myself, you know? Huck: Oh, I heard you on the phone. You need to be set up. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - STATE DINNER Fitz: Lovely to see you. Here's the prime minister. Hello. It's wonderful to see you again. Hi. Fitz: What's Olivia doing here? Mellie: I invited her. Fitz: How are you, Bill? Good to see you. You two know each other. Mellie: Liv. You look lovely. Olivia: Oh. Mellie: Oh. Mm. Doesn't she look lovely? Fitz: Of course, yeah. I'm so happy you could come. Olivia: I wouldn't miss it, Mr. President. Olivia: Prime minister, delightful to see you. How is the new baby? Fitz: Good to see you. Thank you so much for coming. Olivia: Oh, hi. Oh. Great to see you. Olivia: You're better than I expected. Billy: Oh, they had ballroom dancing at Andover. It was the only way I could get near a girl back then, so I took it twice. Olivia: Glad to see it's working out for you. What? Billy: I'm trying to figure out how I can sexually harass you and get away with it. Olivia: Billy. Billy: What? You don't work here anymore. You could date me. I'm a catch. Or Is there another guy? Mellie: I'd like a turn with the best dancer in the west wing. No offense, Fitz. Fitz: None taken. Mellie: You mind? Olivia: No. Cyrus: Keep 'em coming. Waiter: Yes, sir. Olivia: Don't look at me. Fitz: How come? Olivia: Because everyone will know. Fitz: I can't not look at you. Olivia: The song will be over in a minute. Fitz: This is ridiculous. Everything is ridiculous. How did it all get so ...? Damn it, just look at me. Look at me. Meet me in our spot in ten minutes. Olivia: No. Fitz: I am not spending any more time away from you. Olivia: Stop it. We're in public. Look away. Fitz: Look I know I don't have the right. I know. I know you don't trust me. I-I love you. Olivia: Your wife is 10 feet away. Fitz: I love you. Olivia: What about Amanda? Fitz: I. Love. You. Our spot, ten minutes. Olivia: You can't leave your own state dinner. Fitz: Watch me. [SCENE_BREAK] WASHINGTON, D.C. BAR Gideon: Generous bartender. Quinn: I know. I'm so buzzed. Gideon: So should we get to it? Quinn: I'm sorry? Gideon: I know why you called. Quinn: You do. Gideon: To find out what I know, dig around, find my weak spots. Let me save you some time. I have tried every drug but the needle drugs, but I'm only addicted to "SportsCenter" and my BlackBerry, I talked my way out of a D.U.I. in Lubbock, but the arrest record is still on file. Texas! And in eighth grade, I stuffed the ballot box in an attempt to rig the student council election, but I did it to get closer to Jenny Marconi, not for the power. Still lost. Quinn: Okay. Gideon: I'm not giving up this story. It's my ticket off of Metro and on to national, and don't tell me it's not a story, 'cause that would insult what little intelligence I have, and I wouldn't believe you anyway, 'cause your boss is involved, and you're a terrible liar who's not the least bit buzzed, and I know that because you've had as much as I've had, and while I am genuinely buzzed, you are coiled like a cobra 'cause you're so freakin' tense. Now that you know everything, let's forget about work for a couple of hours, get you a real drink... Quinn: Why did you break the deal with Olivia? What are you talking about? You called Amanda. I was there when she got the call. Gideon: Don't get me wrong, I'm digging. I called Amanda's college roommate, I called her friends at the White House, but I absolutely, positively did not call Amanda. I'm keeping my promise. I want that quote. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - STATE DINNER Olivia: Oh, Cyrus. Hello. Cyrus: I don't know what you think you're playing at, Liv, but I don't take kindly to blackmail. Olivia: Uh, I'm sorry. What? Cyrus: I never took you for the "hell hath no fury" type. It's a little trashy, but so is having an affair with a married man. Olivia; You want to be careful, Cyrus, with how you speak to me, because I might forget that we are friends. Now if you'll excuse me. Cyrus: What happened, you danced, he said he loved you? What, are you gonna go meet him right now? He's good. He has you in the palm of his hand. You're being played. You're being played by the best politician in the world. The upside? The tell-all book that you can write when you're old "the President's whore" it's all very dirty and best seller. These very nice agents are gonna escort you off the White House grounds. And you can tell Amanda Tanner that the meeting with the President is off. [SCENE_BREAK] HARDING HOUSE Olivia: I was wrong before. Sandra: Livvie, it's late. Olivia: I was wrong before about it not being your fault. It is your fault. Sandra: What? Olivia: You love him. You do. But you can't fix everything for him. You can't. He's playing you because you let him. You give him everything he asks for and you clean up his messes and you believe him even when he lies to you, and that is, that is not love. Love is making him face who he is. The best thing you can do for him is to do the best thing for him. It's not your fault, what he did, but letting him get away with it, that is your fault. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - ROSE GARDEN Cyrus: Mr. President. Fitz: Cyrus. This is not a good time. Cyrus: Olivia's not coming. Fitz: What? She canceled the meeting with Amanda Tanner. She was playing you, twisting the knife. I'm sorry, sir. Fitz: I need to get back to the prime minister. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Travis: You want me to turn myself in? That's a little drastic. Right? Mom? Sandra: You raped that girl, Travis. She killed herself. Travis: But that wasn't my fault. It wasn't. Sandra: Travis, please. This is hard enough. Travis: So I made a couple of payments? They can't put me away for that. Olivia: There's a rape kit. It's got your D.N.A. all over it. Travis: She never pressed charges. They don't even have my name. It happened once. It'll never happen again. I promise. Olivia: Travis- Travis: I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to my mother. I'll go away. How's that sound? I'll go to Europe for a couple of years. And then I'll come back and run the company. That was always the plan anyway. That's a good compromise, right? Sandra: That's what I thought you'd say. Travis: Well, good. That takes care of the problem. Sandra: I've already taken care of it, honey. Travis: You didn't. Mom? Mom, don't do this, mom! Mom! Don't do this. Mom, listen to me. Please! This is crazy. David: Jane Powell, my friend? Got transferred to misdemeanors. Olivia: Oh? David: Something about incompetence, didn't research the defendant well. Olivia: How sad for you. David: Okay, maybe. Olivia: Maybe what? David: Maybe we can be friends. Maybe. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Mellie: You okay? Fitz: Why did you invite her to the State Dinner? Mellie: Olivia? Fitz: Why would you do that? Mellie: Because you needed to see her. I trust that tonight, you'll sleep like a baby. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Gideon: Wait. Where's Amanda? Olivia: Change of plan. You're not getting a quote from Amanda. Gideon: Screwed by Olivia Pope. Why am I not surprised? Olivia: You're getting something better. Something that will actually help your career. An interview with Sandra Harding. Have you heard of her? Gideon: H.D.X., right? Her company's worth $300 million. Olivia: About an hour ago, she turned her son into the U.S. attorney for rape. Tomorrow she's going to resign. She's agreed to tell you and only you her side of the story. Not only will your byline be on the front page of your paper, but this story, your exclusive story, will be chased by every major newspaper in the country. And they'll get nothing. I know it's not cherry blossoms, but... Gideon: Thank you. Thank you. Olivia: Gideon, that was a meeting. Quinn: You know, I've been meaning to tell you, it's probably nothing, but Gideon said this thing at drinks about how he never called Amanda, not once, and my gut says to believe him. My gut says he's not lying. Olivia: Reporters lie, Quinn. Quinn: My gut says she's lying. I don't think Amanda's telling you everything. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Amanda: He's mad at me. I get that. But if I could just have five minutes alone with him, I know that I could explain. Olivia: I know how hard this is. Amanda: I'm sure you do. Olivia: You're afraid that it was nothing, that he's forgotten it already, tossed you like yesterday's paper, and moved on without another thought, and if he's forgotten, then it's almost as if it never happened, that what you had with him wasn't real, and that makes you feel completely and utterly alone. But I haven't forgotten. I know what happened. I know it was real. And whatever you decide to do here, however you want to play this thing out, I will stand beside you every step of the way. If you ask me to, I will make him remember and you will never, ever be alone in this again, but I'm gonna need everything. Every truth, every detail. If I'm gonna stand with you, Amanda, I need to hear all of it. Amanda: I'm pregnant.
Plan: A: rape; Q: What is Pope & Associates' current client being charged with? A: the stories; Q: What doesn't add up in the case of Pope & Associates' client? A: Mellie; Q: Who invites Olivia to the Presidential Ball? A: Fitz; Q: Who finds out that Mellie knew about his affair with Olivia? A: Amanda; Q: Who moves in with Olivia? A: a meeting; Q: What does Amanda want to have with the President? A: the 'rape; Q: What is Harrison investigating? A: the defendant's best friend; Q: Who committed suicide after being raped by Pope & Associates' client? A: revenge; Q: Why did Amanda frame her client for rape? A: Gideon; Q: Quinn starts flirting with who in an effort to find out information about Amanda? A: the police; Q: Who does Olivia convince her client to turn her son into? A: Cyrus; Q: Who talked Olivia out of meeting with the president at 'their spot'? A: sex; Q: What did Cyrus find that Fitz and Amanda were having? A: the president's child; Q: What does Amanda confess to Olivia she's pregnant with? Summary: Pope & Associates' current client is a man who is being charged with rape, even though the stories don't add up. Mellie begins to worry about Fitz when she finds that he isn't sleeping anymore. Amanda moves in with Olivia and requests that she have a meeting with the President. While investigating the 'rape', Harrison finds that the defendant's best friend committed suicide after being raped by their client, and that she was framing him for rape to get revenge. Mellie invites Olivia to the Presidential Ball, finding that he'll be able to sleep now; Quinn starts flirting with Gideon in an effort to find out the information that he knows on Amanda. After talking to her client, Olivia convinces her to turn her son into the police, even though the woman he raped is already dead; Cyrus talks Olivia out of meeting with the president at 'their spot'; Fitz finds that Mellie knew about his affair with Olivia the entire time. Even with Olivia canceling the meeting, Amanda requests that the meeting be put back on; Cyrus finds that someone recorded Fitz and Amanda having sex. Amanda confesses to Olivia that she's pregnant with the president's child.
THE TIME MEDDLER DENNIS SPOONER 5:40pm - 6:05pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. MONASTERY. PASSAGEWAY OUTSIDE CELL (NIGHT) (STEVEN succeeds in picking the lock. He and VICKI rush inside the cell...) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. MONASTERY. CELL (NIGHT) (On the bed, the DOCTOR'S cloak covers his form.) VICKI: Doctor, wake up, we're here! Doctor? (She pulls the cloak back. Underneath is just a pile of furs...) VICKI: He's gone! He's gone! [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. MONASTERY. CHAMBER (NIGHT) (WULNOTH supports ELDRED as the MONK leads them into a chamber where straw covers a shelf in an alcove.) MONK: Make him comfortable here, my son. I'll return soon and tend his wounds. WULNOTH: Oh, thank you father. (The MONK watches nervously as WULNOTH settles ELDRED. Unseen by the two Saxons, he leaves the chamber.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. MONASTERY. CELL (NIGHT) VICKI: Well, this is definitely his cloak. (STEVEN has been looking through the open cell door. He now shuts it closed.) STEVEN: Yes, he was in here all right, Vicki. What's happened to him? VICKI: The door was locked wasn't it? STEVEN: Of course it was. You saw me open it myself. The Monk thought he was in here too. VICKI: What? Because the clothes of the bed hadn't been moved? STEVEN: Well, it makes sense doesn't it? How did he get out? (He sits on the edge of the bed.) VICKI: There's only one possible answer. STEVEN: What? VICKI: A secret passage. STEVEN: (Incredulously.) A secret p...? Oh no! VICKI: Listen, they always have them in castles and monasteries and things in case of siege or...fire, or...something. We'll, don't just sit there. Help me look! (VICKI starts to examine the walls. STEVEN sighs and does the same. After some time...) VICKI: Hey, Steven! Come and look at this! Steven? A loose stone! (STEVEN joins her.) VICKI: What did I say? (He manages to pull a doorway open at the back of the cell.) STEVEN: Huh, who's a clever girl then? (VICKI makes a face. They walk through the secret exit and STEVEN pulls the door to behind them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. MONASTERY. PASSAGEWAY OUTSIDE CELL (NIGHT) (The MONK walks smiling down a passageway. He reaches the cell. He opens the hatchway to look inside and the door, to his surprise, swings open under his touch...) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. MONASTERY. CELL (NIGHT) (He hesitates then, with a cry, jumps into the cell to tackle however he thinks lies concealed behind the cell door. Seeing no-one, he next tries looking under the bed. Then, growing increasingly frustrated, he pulls the furs off the bed. Utterly baffled, he leaves the cell.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. MONASTERY. PASSAGEWAY OUTSIDE CELL (NIGHT) (Outside the cell, he checks the lock. He is pondering his problem when WULNOTH'S voice reaches him...) WULNOTH: (OOV.) Father? Father, where are you? (He coughs gently and assumes his serene air.) MONK: Coming, my son! Coming! (Looking puzzled again at the loss of his prisoner, he walks off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. TUNNEL (NIGHT) (STEVEN and VICKI make their way down the secret passage from the monastery. Water drips from the ceiling and tree roots fill the space around them.) VICKI: Ah...ah! How much longer does this thing go on? STEVEN: It must go on for quite a way, Vicki, if only to get clear of the monastery up there. VICKI: It's damp. STEVEN: Yes, well, we'd better get out of here quickly. You know couldn't find the Doctor at the end of this. VICKI: If I know the Doctor, it's not going to be as simple as that. (They move on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. HUT (NIGHT) (The DOCTOR is back at EDITH and WULNOTH's hut. EDITH is now fully conscious although she tends her bruised face with a cloth.) DOCTOR: Well, from what you've just said, you've saved me quite a journey. Hmm. EDITH: To meet your friends, you mean? DOCTOR: Yes, indeed so. I told them quite specifically to meet me outside the TAR...yes, the, er, pre-arranged, er, place, er. I was going along to tell them that I'd come to no harm whilst I was making investigations, as we might say. But, er, well now, now you tell me they came here and they've gone on to the monastery. Hmm? EDITH: Oh, I can't think how you missed them. DOCTOR: Oh, it's all perfectly simple. I left at the rear...entrance. That reminds me. I really think I ought to be wending my way. Mmm. It's a good thing I saw the smoke rising from your fire. (Laughs.) I'm becoming quite a regular visitor, I think. EDITH: (Melancholy.) You've been my only visitor tonight. DOCTOR: Hmm. EDITH: But, you don't know. My husband and the men from the village have gone after the Vikings. (This causes the DOCTOR to stop and think.) DOCTOR: You've seen them, and er, their fleet? EDITH: Oh, no, no, not a fleet, this was just a small band of men. They must have come from one ship. DOCTOR: Er, I see, yes, I see. Hmm. (The DOCTOR walks outside the hut.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. SAXON SETTLEMENT (NIGHT) (The DOCTOR ponders in the night as an owl hoots nearby. EDITH follows him out.) EDITH: You speak of a fleet as though you knew it existed? DOCTOR: What? What was that? I've already told you, my dear, that I've learned of varied plans from all the places that I've visited before. EDITH: Plans of a Viking invasion? DOCTOR: Yes, yes, I'm afraid so. EDITH: So that's why Harold got ... forming an army. Our men have travelled south already to join it. (Tuts.) Ah, I thought it was William of Normandy's invasion across the channel, not a Viking invasion he feared. DOCTOR: (To himself.) Mmm. the Monk in this situation just can't be a coincidence. EDITH: The Monk? Did you say the Monk? DOCTOR: (Turning to her.) Yes, I must face him. I, er, realise that I've got far short a time than I thought I had. Erm, I'm always leaving you in a hurry, I'm afraid, but the matter has some urgency. EDITH: Well, won't you stay and have some...some, er, some venison? DOCTOR: Oh, no, thank you, thank you indeed. It's very kind of you. I must go, yes, goodbye. Oh, and, er, don't worry, don't worry. The Vikings will land south of here, in the Humber. Ah, King Harold will defeat them. (Laughs.) (The DOCTOR walks a few paces away and talks to himself as EDITH watches.) DOCTOR: Yes, in a few weeks time, he loses the battle of Hastings to William the Conqueror. (Laughs.) Well, at least that's what the history books said happened. Hmm. (He walks off into the night...) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. FOREST (NIGHT) (STEVEN and VICKI emerge from the tunnel into the forest. VICKI sighs with relief, then looks round and calls out...) VICKI: Doctor! Doctor! (Getting no response, they walk on a few paces through the trees.) STEVEN: No, you were right, Vicki. The Doctor wouldn't wait for us here. VICKI: He must have gone back to the TARDIS. STEVEN: Yes, probably. You know... (VICKI has walked off a few paces. STEVEN follows her.) STEVEN: You know there's something very peculiar going on. Now I've got to accept something, so all right, I accept you've got a time machine... VICKI: Ha! Hooray! STEVEN: But a Watch, the gramophone, the Saxons, that doesn't add up. It must be something to do with that Monk. You know, I think we should go back to the monastery. VICKI: Oh no. Because the Doctor will want to investigate just as much as you, probably more. Let's find him and all three do it together, hmm? STEVEN: OK. Go on, you lead the way. (They carry on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. MONASTERY. CHAMBER (NIGHT) (The MONK sorts through a first aid box. Taking out a bottle he shakes some tablets out of it into his hand. WULNOTH stands nearby but he does not catch sight of the box.. Covering this with a small basket, the MONK carries a torch to WULNOTH for better light. He then sits next to ELDRED and puts the tablets in his semi-conscious patients mouth. MONK: Eldred? Swallow these. WULNOTH: (Pointing with his sword.) Er, what are those, father? MONK: (Muttering.) Oh it's just some Penicillin... (Louder.) It's a...it's a sort of herb. (The MONK looks at the sword that WULNOTH is carrying.) MONK: Wulnoth, I wish you'd take that outside. This is a monastery. Can't you see I'm trying to tend a sick man? WULNOTH: Oh, I'm sorry father. (WULNOTH walks out. The MONK watches him go, then tries to rouse ELDRED.) MONK: Eldred? Eldred? (Getting no response, he gently pats his face.) MONK: Eldred? Eldred? Listen - the Vikings you met, now if they were a scouting party, how soon would it be before the other ships arrived? ELDRED: (Weakly.) If they...if they were part of the main fleet, two...three days, father. MONK: Thank you, thank you. (The MONK walks away to a corner of the chamber, rubbing his hands and muttering to himself.) MONK: Two or three days...I'm on schedule. I'm on schedule! (WULNOTH has come back, without the sword and is examining ELDRED. Whilst the MONK ponders his plan, WULNOTH tries to move ELDRED but without success.) WULNOTH: He'll have to stay here for a while, father. He's very weak. MONK: (Speaking without thinking as his mind is on the Vikings.) Yes, of course, he's weak. He's lost a lot of blood. If I could have given him a blood transfusion, but... WULNOTH: Blood trans...fu...sion? (The MONK starts as he realises what he has said.) MONK: My son, all we can do now for Eldred is to wait and pray. WULNOTH: But father... MONK: Now listen to what I have to say now, my son. This is what I want to say: take your friend home and give thanks that within these sacred walls... WULNOTH: He'll have to stay for a day or two, father. He's very weak. MONK: Stay here? WULNOTH: Oh, don't worry, father. My wife, Edith, will call regularly and attend to any additional work and...and I will come to if, if work permits. MONK: Now, look here, my son, I... WULNOTH: Yes, father? MONK: (Seeing he has no choice.) Oh nothing! Nothing, nothing, nothing... WULNOTH: Oh, er, goodbye and, er, thank you father. MONK: Goodbye my son. (WULNOTH leaves. The MONK glances at ELDRED and a look of concern appears on his face as he considers a possible disruption to his scheme.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: EXT. FOREST (NIGHT) (ULF and SVEN, now much more sober and more cautious, run through the forest. They constantly check all around them. They stop and rest.) ULF: As soon as its light, every Saxon for miles around will be looking for us. SVEN: We'll stay here a while, then travel south. ULF: Why the south? SVEN: If we put enough distance between the Saxons and ourselves, we can still complete our task. ULF: Sven, we have failed! Leave it to Radnor. Let us think of our own safety. SVEN: We were landed here for a reason. ULF: What good can the two of us do now? If we meet up with the Saxons again, they will kill us easily. SVEN: And what would you have us do? ULF: We could hide. (SVEN grabs ULF and raises a rock.) SVEN: Coward! ULF: Kill me! Go on, kill me! If you don't, the Saxons will. And you'll be dead too if you don't listen to what I say. (SVEN lets go of ULF.) ULF: Nothing has changed. Our army will still land. Then think what will happen when we come before the King! We can meet up with him once he is inland. Say we were attacked and held. (SVEN stands, kicks ULF over and walks off a small distance. ULF follows.) ULF: Don't pretend that it is only me. I'm saying what we both think. Our army will still land, even if we'd all been killed back in the forest. SVEN: (With contempt.) I suppose you've already thought of a place to hide. ULF: Yes - the monastery. SVEN: (Angrily.) And ask for what - sanctuary? ULF: They can't refuse us. SVEN: Even if they do, you'd rather do battle with a band of monks than with Saxons? ULF: They'll hide us. Once inside, we can take hostages. (SVEN is calmer at this thought.) SVEN: If you thought as much of our task as you did of our own safety. ULF: And yours, Sven. And yours... [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. MONASTERY. MAIN HALL (NIGHT) (In the main hall of the monastery, a roller-chart hangs on the wall. It is headed "PROGESS CHART" and lists eight items. Items 1 and 2 - "Arrival in Northumbria" and "Position atomic cannon" are already ticked off. The MONK adds a tick next to item 3 - "Sight Vikings". Un-ticked are items 4 to 8 - "Light Beacon Fires", " Destroy Viking Fleet", "Norman Landing", "Battle of Hastings" and " Meet King Harold". MONK: Fight Vikings, ahh, we're up to date, we're up to date. Now then, light beacon fires? I can...get the villagers to help me with that. (The MONK pulls a cord and the chart rolls up.) MONK: Ho ho! Everything's going on marvellously! (Laughs.) According to plan! (The MONK takes the chart off the wall and carries over to a flat stone sarcophagus. Other charts and maps cover the top of the sarcophagus.) MONK: Now, I'll have to work this ridiculous thing into miles. (The MONK calculates positions on a map.) MONK: Four, certain measurements miles, kilometres, don't know where we are. There... (There is a sudden knocking on the main door.) MONK: Oh, oh no more visitors. It's getting...it's getting so that you can't call a monastery your own! (The knocking is repeated. In a temper, the MONK collects together all the charts and puts them under the top of the sarcophagus in whatever space is there. The knocking is heard again.) MONK: (Angrily.) All right! All right! I'm coming! (He puts another chart below the sarcophagus...) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. MONASTERY. MAIN HALLWAY (NIGHT) (The MONK arrives at the main door and unbolts it. He opens it...but there is no one there. He steps outside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. MONASTERY (NIGHT) (Puzzled, he looks immediately around the immediate area outside the door. There is no sign of the visitor. He goes back inside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. MONASTERY. MAIN HALLWAY (NIGHT) (Once inside, he re-bolts the door. Immediately, there is a furious knock on the door. He un-locks it again and pulls it open. Still, there is no one outside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: EXT. MONASTERY (NIGHT) (More cautiously, the MONK steps outside. A branch prods into the middle of his back and the DOCTOR steps out of hiding. Thinking the stick is a gun, the MONK raises his hands. The DOCTOR nods to the monastery to indicate that they should go inside. They do so, the DOCTOR carefully holding the stick in order that the MONK doesn't see it for what it is.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. MONASTERY. ENTRANCE HALLWAY (NIGHT) (Once inside, the MONK makes a move to counter the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: Da, ha! I have a Winshetser...73, right in the middle of your spinal cord! (Holding the branch with one hand, the DOCTOR uses the other to shut and lock the door. .) DOCTOR: Proceed! (They walk forward under an archway, the DOCTOR smiling all the time at his 'captor'.) DOCTOR: Wait. MONK: I thought I'd seen the last of you, Doctor. DOCTOR: Oh, did you now? Well, as it happens, I happen to be a very curious fellow. Yes, very curious. Now then, I have some questions for you and I want them answered. Continue, hmm! (They walk on, the MONK smiling slyly.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. CLIFFTOP (DAWN) (As the sky gets lighter, VICKI and STEVEN emerge from the forest at the top of the cliff above where the TARDIS landed. VICKI kneels and looks over the edge. STEVEN joins her.) VICKI: It was somewhere about here. STEVEN: I can't tell for the surf but I think this is an easy way down. VICKI: The tide, Steven, the tide's come in! STEVEN: Yes, well, it usually does. VICKI: Yes, but...the TARDIS was down there! Oh no, the tide - nobody thought of that. STEVEN: Well, it's a bit late to think of it now. VICKI: Yes, but what shall we do? STEVEN: Look, if the Doctor cam back here, he'd have moved it. He wouldn't have left it on the beach. (VICKI looks at STEVEN who clearly doesn't understand.) VICKI: The only way the Doctor could move the TARDIS...would be to dematerialise. STEVEN: So? VICKI: If the Doctor left here in the TARDIS, he couldn't get back. (Distraught.) Oh, it can't be that, it can't be! (STEVEN thinks about what he has just been told about the DOCTOR'S control over the TARDIS, then...) STEVEN: Look, there's no point in us sitting here. I think we should go back to the monastery. VICKI: The monastery. What's the point of that now? STEVEN: Well, at least we'd be doing something practical. Whatever's happened down there, it has happened. There's no point in moping about it. VICKI: (Sharply.) I'm not moping! You don't know what the TARDIS meant. (STEVEN pauses, then stands.) STEVEN: Come on... (Leaving VICKI at the cliff edge, STEVEN walks a small distance along the precipice. He suddenly comes along a bazooka gun set up in the bushes at the cliff top.) STEVEN: What's this? (He gets closer to examine the gun.) STEVEN: Vicki, come and take a look at this. VICKI: (Sharply again.) What? STEVEN: Just come and look! (Reluctantly she gets up and joins STEVEN.) STEVEN: What do you make of that? VICKI: (Amazed.) It's a...it's a gun - of sorts? STEVEN: Trained out to sea, hidden by the bushes. Look, in Saxon times, th...they used swords and bows and arrows, not things like this, didn't they? VICKI: Yes, you're right. STEVEN: The Monk, it must be. You still say there's no point in going back to the monastery? Come on. (They turn back.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. MONASTERY. PASSAGEWAY (The DOCTOR and the MONK are traversing the corridors of the ruined monastery. The MONK'S arms still up in the air as the DOCTOR keeps the branch in his back.) DOCTOR: All right. That will do. You know, I believe we've come through this corridor twice already. It's no use you playing for time, you know. I want some answers! (The MONK jumps round to grab the "rifle" and sees that it is in fact a branch in the DOCTOR'S hands.) DOCTOR: Ah ha! Now, I wouldn't do that if I were you. This may not be a gun but I can still do you a considerable amount of harm. MONK: (Serenely.) Oh, a man of violence! I'm surprised at you... DOCTOR: Er, never mind about all that. What is it you're doing here? Hmm? What are you up to? (There is a knock at the main door. The MONK makes to go and answer it but the DOCTOR stands in his way.) MONK: The door - I must go... DOCTOR: Er, just leave that, shall we? Hmm? MONK: But if I don't go, they'll get suspicious. DOCTOR: Then we'll both go. I'll open the door, then I can keep an eye on you. Hmm? MONK: You open the door? No Doctor, that's not a very good idea. DOCTOR: Oh, isn't it? Why not? MONK: Because you're not wearing the right sort of clothes... DOCTOR: Oh... (The knocking is repeated.) DOCTOR: Yes, I see, I see. First, you want to open the door, then you want the chance to reverse the position with the help of whoever it is outside? Secondly, you want to get me into a monk's habit so that whoever that is, would recognise me as an imposter. MONK: Dear me, dear me, what an untrusting nature you have, my son! DOCTOR: Yes, and you can drop the monks act! MONK: I'm only trying to help. Whoever it is, it's probably as traveller knocking for shelter. Who else could it be? Doctor, I must remind you this is a monastery, a place of refuge, sanctuary. DOCTOR: Yes, very well, if you have another cloak with the same type of cowl? Proceed, hmm? MONK: Of course. DOCTOR: And remember, no more monkery! (The MONK walks off with his hands in the air again, the DOCTOR following.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. MONASTERY. ENTRANCE HALLWAY (A SHORT TIME LATER) (The knocking continues as the MONK - his arms still raised - and the DOCTOR enter. The DOCTOR is now dressed in a monks habit and still holds the branch in the MONK'S back. As they near the front door, the DOCTOR holds him back.) DOCTOR: Wait there...and be quiet. MONK: Doctor? (The MONK looks the DOCTOR up and down.) MONK: It suits you! (The DOCTOR glances disdainfully at the MONK. He walks over to the door and pulls the bolt back. When he opens the door, SVEN immediately holds a sword to his throat.) DOCTOR: What is the meaning of this, sir! What... SVEN: Silence, you old fool! DOCTOR: Wha... (SVEN takes the branch out of the DOCTOR'S hands and passes it to ULF who enters behind him and locks the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT MONASTERY. PASSAGEWAY OUTSIDE CELL (At sword point, the DOCTOR walks through the monastery. They approach the cell where the DOCTOR was previously incarcerated. He turns to SVEN.) DOCTOR: This is no way to treat a man in my position! SVEN: (Grabbing him.) Quiet old man. (ULF looks through the door hatch.) ULF: This cell will do. Lock him in here. DOCTOR: Hmm! (SVEN pushes a defiant looking DOCTOR into the cell.) ULF: Oh, there's no key. You guard him. I'll give our terms to the rest of the monks. Hide us...or he dies. (As ULF walks off, SVEN pulls the door shut.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. MONASTERY. CELL (The DOCTOR listens at the door, then sets to work...) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. MONASTERY. MAIN HALLWAY (Sword in hand, ULF enters the main hall, but there is no sign of anyone else. As he approaches the sarcophagus, the MONK stands up from behind it and cracks a piece of wood over ULF'S head. The Viking falls to the ground. Tutting the MONK unravels a piece of rope with which to tie him up.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: EXT. FOREST (VICKI and STEVEN look round the forest for the entrance to the tunnel.) VICKI: It all looks so different in daylight. (STEVEN looks behind them.) STEVEN: Ah ha! Here it is. VICKI: Oh, don't tell me we have to crawl down that thing again. STEVEN: Well we can hardly go and knock on the front door now, can we? VICKI: I suppose not. STEVEN: Come on. (STEVEN holds the branches back whilst VICKI enters the tunnel.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. MONASTERY. PASSAGEWAY OUTSIDE CELL (SVEN has fallen asleep outside the DOCTOR'S cell. A cock crow awakes him.) SVEN: Ulf? Ulf? (He staggers up. He pulls the hatch door on the cell open, looks through and hurriedly opens the cell up, stepping inside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. MONASTERY. CELL (The secret passage at the back of the cell is open. SVEN walks over to it and looks down the tunnel. Behind him, the DOCTOR, hidden behind the door, steps out of hiding, kicks SVEN and hits him over the head also with a plank of wood. Just like his companion, SVEN falls to the ground.) DOCTOR: (Laughs.) My dear man, you had me quite worried. I thought you were never coming in! (He leaves the cell.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: EXT. SAXON SETTLEMENT (The MONK approaches WULNOTH'S hut. Seeing that he cannot knock on the cloth entrance, he bangs his fist on the door support.) MONK: Wulnoth? Wulnoth, are you there? (In a panic, EDITH comes out.) EDITH: Oh, it's you, father. MONK: I'm sorry to call so early my child, but, er, I must speak to your husband. EDITH: Yes. (Half-dressed, WULNOTH comes out of the hut.) WULNOTH: Is anything wrong with Eldred? MONK: No, no! No, Eldred is splendid. No, Wulnoth, I've come here to ask for your help and...and that of the men of the village. WULNOTH: Oh, we'll help if we can, father. MONK: Oh, you can, Wulnoth, you most certainly can. I'd have come here a bit later but seeing as I'm going to be rather busy up at the monastery... WULNOTH: What is it that you want us to do? MONK: Prepare beacon fires on the cliff tops. (WULNOTH and EDITH look at each other.) WULNOTH: (Surprised.) Beacon fires? MONK: Oh, don't worry, don't worry Wulnoth. I'm expecting some building materials for reconstructing the monastery. They're coming by sea and I promised I'd give the ship our exact location. WULNOTH: Well, when are you expecting the ship? It'll take a little while to prepare a beacon. MONK: In a day or two, maybe three. Now Wulnoth, you will light the fires when I ask, won't you, and keep them burning? (WULNOTH looks at EDITH then, with a hint of suspicion in his voice...) WULNOTH: If you say so, father. MONK: Splendid! Splendid! Now I must go back to the monastery. Eldred needs rather special care. Good day, my children. (He leaves. EDITH and WULNOTH are still suspicious.) EDITH: Good day WULNOTH: Good day, father. (He turns to his wife.) What did the old man say of the Vikings? EDITH: He spoke of a planned invasion - of many hundred ships... WULNOTH: (To himself.) Beacon fires...on the cliff tops...? [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. MONASTERY. CELL (VICKI and STEVEN have come across the unconscious SVEN inside the cell.) VICKI: Viking? STEVEN: Well, however he is, he's lost an argument with somebody. Anyway, we can't bother about him. (He picks up SVEN'S sword.) Let's go and have a look around. VICKI: What are we looking for anyway? STEVEN: Oh, we'll know when we find it, won't we? (They leave the cell.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. MONASTERY. ENTRANCE HALLWAY (The MONK enters the monastery quietly singing to himself. He shuts the door, turns a corner and comes across a bound and gagged ULF. He kneels by him.) MONK: Oh, ha, ha, ha! You still here, are you? Good, all I've got to do now is take care of you, your friend and the Doctor. Oh, by the way, you'll be please to know I've arranged the fires for your colleagues. Ha! (He suddenly feels a sword at this throat. He rises - it is the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: There you are, my dear fellow. I knew you'd come back! (Angrily.) Now which fires? What are they for? Hmm? [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. MONASTERY. MAIN HALLWAY (VICKI and STEVEN enter the main hall.) STEVEN: Oh, it's going to take us hours to search this place properly. (VICKI crouches on the ground next to the sarcophagus.) VICKI: Hey Steven! Look at this. I think it's a cable! (STEVEN joins her.) STEVEN: It is. Well, that's strange. (He follows the cable round to the sarcophagus.) STEVEN: What's it doing coming out of here? (He walk to the back of the sarcophagus where they find...) VICKI: A door! STEVEN: Let me have look. (He pulls the doors fully open.) STEVEN: We can get inside. (They crouch down and walk inside the sarcophagus.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. MONK'S TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (They push open the doors and stand up straight as they find themselves in a familiar looking gleaming control room.) VICKI: (Totally amazed.) It's a TARDIS. The Monk's got a TARDIS!
Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who is Steven Taylor's new companion? A: Saxon Northumbria; Q: Where do The Doctor, Vicki, and Steven Taylor arrive in 1066? A: the Viking and Norman invasions; Q: What is happening in Saxon Northumbria? A: British; Q: What country's history is 1066 a pivotal moment in? A: Monk; Q: What is the name of the mysterious person who is at work in the nearby monastery? Summary: The Doctor, Vicki, and new companion Steven Taylor arrive in Saxon Northumbria on the eve of the Viking and Norman invasions. It is 1066, a pivotal moment in British history. The hand of a mysterious Monk is at work in the nearby monastery, intending that history takes a different course.
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang's all there. Ross has a slip of paper that he throws on the ground tying to get Rachel's attention.] Ross: (picking up the slip of paper) Hello! What's this? Oh right its that girl's phone number. (Rachel ignores him) Yeah-yeah, there it is, just a phone number a really hot girl gave me. (He holds it so that Rachel can see it, she continues to ignore him) It's no big deal, I mean it is her home phone number, but...(Rachel still ignores him) Whoa! (Throws it in her lap) Whoa-whoops, I almost lost this baby! Yeah, the lovely Amanda gives me her number and I-I go and drop it. (He waves it in front of Rachel's face. Then suddenly Phoebe has to sneeze and Rachel quickly grabs the slip of paper and gives it to Phoebe for her to sneeze into.) Phoebe: Thank you. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk, the next morning. Chandler, Monica, Ross, and Rachel are there.] Gunther: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah? Gunther: When's your birthday? Rachel: May fifth, why? Gunther: Oh, I-I'm just making a list of people's birthdays. Ross: Oh, mine's December... Gunther: Yeah, whatever. (Walks away) (Chandler is talking to Monica and notices a beautiful woman.) Chandler: Ohh, she's pretty. Pretty ahh, pretty girl, the pretty--she's pretty. Monica: Just go up to her and ask her out. (Chandler laughs) Oh, what's the worst thing that could happen? Chandler: I could die. Ross: Yeah, it's-it's tough being single. That's why I'm so glad I found Amanda. Rachel: Ross, you guys went out once. You took your kids to Chucky Cheese, and you didn't even kiss her. (Ross glares at Chandler.) Chandler: I tell people secrets. It makes them like me. Phoebe: (entering) Oh. Chandler: Hey! (Phoebe sneezes) Monica: Phoebe! You're sick, you shouldn't play. You should just go home, get in bed, and stay there. Phoebe: (in a nasally voice, from her cold) But I'm unemployed, my music is all I really have now. Well music, and making my own shoes. (She puts her shoe on the table, and it's horribly decorated) Pretty, huh? (Sneezes) Chandler: All right, I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna get shot down. Any advice? Monica: Just be yourself. But, not too much. Chandler: (gets up) (softly) Wish me luck. Ross: (loudly) Good luck! Chandler: Wish it! (To the woman, Kathy, he likes) Hi. Hi, I-I was just sitting over there, and uhh, Chandler. My name is Chandler. Did I say that? Kathy: No, you didn't. Hi, I'm Kathy. Chandler: Uh Kathy, with K or a C? Kathy: With a K. Chandler: Oh-oh-hey! Kathy: Wow! You are really good at this. Chandler: Hey, come on, give me a break, I'm out on a limb here. Kathy: I'm sorry, you're right, I apologize, but I should tell you that I'm waiting for a date. (Joey enters) Oh, and there he is now. Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Hey, hey-hey, hey. (Joey kisses Kathy.) Joey: Hey, I see you guys already met, huh? Chandler: Yes-yes, I was just trying to figure out a way to uh, demonstrate how I could get my exceptionally large feet into my even bigger mouth. Joey: Didn't I tell ya? Always showin' off. Phoebe: Before I start, I just wanna say that umm, I have a cold, so if I sneeze in the middle of song, it's not on purpose. Oh, except the last verse of Pepper People. (Starts to sing) Smelly cat, smelly cat. What are they feeding you? (Stops singing) This chick sounds good. (Singing) Smelly cat, smelly--(stops singing) Hey Gunther, be a good little boy and bring me a whiskey. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is walking into the living room having just gotten up in the middle of the night.] Chandler: (sees Kathy is up watching TV) Hi! Kathy: Hi. Chandler: Jeez, at 2:30 in the morning, I didn't expect to have to fight over the remote. Kathy: I'm sorry, it's just this Ernie Cofax thing on in a few minutes I wanted to watch. Chandler: Oh my God! That's why I got up too! Kathy: You're kidding! Oh, I love him. Chandler: Hey, listen, I'm sorry about this afternoon, y'know, if I would've known you guys were... I never would've... Kathy: Oh please! Chandler: So ah, Joey tells me you two met in acting class. Kathy: Yeah, they teamed us up as partners. Joey picked three scenes for us to do; all of them had us making out. Chandler: That's a good thing actually, because ah, he used to have me rehearse with him. Kathy: (laughs) Oh-oh-oh-oh! Chandler: Is it on? Kathy: No, but this wonder broom is amazing! Chandler: Hey! (Runs over and gets his wonder broom) Kathy: Oh my God! Chandler: Oh! It's on! It's on! (Chandler jumps into the canoe and sits down. The chick starts chirping and Chandler reaches down to pick him up.) Chandler: There we go little fella. Kathy: (laughs) What about the duck? Chandler: Well the duck can swim. Kathy: Oh, jeez. (Hits him) [Scene: Central Perk, the next night, Phoebe is finishing up her set.] Phoebe: (singing, drunk) My sticky shoes, my sticky-sticky shoes, why do you stick on me, ba-a-by! Thanks for the lights honey. All: Way to go, Phoebe! Monica: That cold makes you sound so great. Phoebe: It's fun, God I love how sexy I am. (Coughs really loudly.) Joey: Oh, Kath, we should get going. We're going to by hamsters. All: Ooh, that's great, I love those little guys. Kathy: No, no, it's not like that. I, I work for a medical researcher. Rachel: Well, have fun! Kathy: Okay. Phoebe: Well, I think it's great that the medical community is finally trying to help sick hamsters. Monica: Y'know what, I like Kathy. Chandler: Oh yeah, me too, she's so cool and pretty. Rachel: Yeah, she's... Chandler: She's smart and funny, y'know? We were up all last night talking, she said the funniest thing about--what? Rachel: You love her. Monica: Chandler: No, I don't. Phoebe: Yes, you do. Chandler loves Kathy. Ross: Come on, Pheebs lay off him. Chandler: Thank you, Ross. Ross: Yeah, he's a little sensitive right now, `cause he's so in love. Chandler: All right. All: Ohh! Chandler: All right. Monica: (turning around and doing that, "I'm making out with someone," thing with her hands) Ooh, umm, oh Kathy! Kathy, I love you! Oh! (She turns around and sees Gunther staring at her and stops suddenly.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are there.] Phoebe: So, I need to write some depressing stuff to go along with my new floozy voice, but nothing that sad has ever really happened to me. Monica: Oh umm, how about your mom dying, or having to live on the streets when you were 14? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Oh, yeah, I could write about the time my hair did that "Woo-hoo" thing. Ross: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey. Ross: (loudly) So I'm going over to Amanda's tonight! Monica: Rachel's not here. Ross: Oh. Monica: How's it going with her? Ross: Great, actually. I'm thinking tonight, maybe the night. Yeah, I mean ah, the kids are gonna play together and then when they're asleep, I'm thinking Amanda and I break open a bottle of wine, and do a little "playing" ourselves. Rachel: (entering, with a guy) Hi guys! This is Josh. Josh, these are my friends, and that's Ross. Monica: Hi, Josh. Phoebe: Hi. Josh: Dudes. Monica: So, did you play in college? (She points to his NYU Soccer (football for the rest of the world) sweatshirt he's wearing.) Josh: Oh, I still do. Next year, I hope to make varsity though. Rachel: Ross, didn't you ah, play soccer in High School? Oh no wait, that's right. You just organized their game schedules on your Commodore 64. Josh: Well, it's getting late, I've got to get to the game, so I'm gonna... head. Rachel: Okay. (He starts to leave, and Rachel grabs him and gives him a passionate kiss.) I'll miss you. Josh: Dope! (exits) Phoebe: Wow, cute one! Monica: Very! Rachel: I know, isn't he great? It's so nice to finally be in a fun relationship, y'know? There's nothing boring about him, and ah, I bet he's never set foot in a museum. Ross: Well maybe he'll get to go soon, like on a class trip or something. Rachel: Y'know what else is really great about him, oh, what is the word for the adult that doesn't have dinosaur toys in their bedroom? Ross: Oh! (He bangs his fists together.) Rachel: What was that? Ross: Monica knows. Monica: It's this dumb thing that Ross made up `cause he was trying to fool our parents. It's a way of giving the finger, without actually having to give it. I remember I cried the night you made it up, `cause it was the first time that I realized that I was actually cooler than my older brother. Ross: Well, I'm gonna go get ready, (Gives Monica the fist thing.) for my date tonight, so ah, I'll just_ head. Phoebe: Yeah, I should go to, `cause I'm playing in one hour. Hey, (clears her voice and in her normal voice) you guys should come hear me, ooh hear me. Ooh, (tries to sing) My sticky shoes--eww! Eww! I lost my sexy phlegm! [Scene: Amanda's apartment, Ross is arriving with Ben.] Amanda: (opening the door) Hi! Ross: Hi! Amanda: Hi Ben! Ross: Wow! You-you look great! Amanda: Thanks! Ross: (she lets him in) Okay! (to her son) Hey Tommy. Amanda: I am so glad that you could come over tonight. Ross: Oh no-no-no, it's my pleasure. Amanda: Okay, well, my cell phone number is right here on the counter, please help yourself to anything in the fridge. Ross: What? Amanda: I appreciate this soo much, I've been trying to go out with this guy for like a month. Ross: I-I-I... Amanda: (noticing the bottle of wine he has) Oh, I don't mean to be a square, but I'd really appreciate it if you wait and drink your wine after the kids are asleep? Oh uh, thanks for this, I hope I can do the same for you sometime. (She leaves) Ross: Who wants to make some long distance calls? [Scene: A street, Chandler is buying a newspaper and notices Kathy running by.] Chandler: Kathy! Kathy! Hi!! Kathy! Kathy! (She doesn't hear him and keeps running, Chandler starts chasing her as the theme to The Mod Squad starts to play. First, a car almost hits him and then gets mustard splashed on him as he runs by a hot dog vendor.) Kathy! (He keeps running and gets tangled up in the leashes of five dogs, in desperation he throws his paper.) Fetch! Fetch it! (He frees himself and resumes the chase) Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! (He now trips and falls into a pile of garbage, he tries to get up and scream her name again but he has a piece of spinach in his mouth. He gets out of the garbage and starts crossing the street by running over the hoods of a couple of cabs.) Kathy! (He jumps in front of her and out of breath he says) Kathy. Kathy: Hey, Chandler! What are you doing here? Chandler: Oh, I just wanted to say, "Hey!" Kathy: Hey! Chandler: Okay. (He walks away disgusted with himself.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is telling Monica about his new baby sitting job.] Monica: Oh come on! You're making it sound worse than it actually was. Ross: Her date tipped me ten dollars. (Monica laughs) (Phoebe runs into the kitchen with wet hair, opens the window, and sticks her head outside.) Ross: Pheebs, what are you doing? Phoebe: Okay, I wanna be sexy again so I'm trying to catch a cold. It should be easy, supposedly they're pretty common. Monica: Phoebe, you'll catch pneumonia. Chandler: (entering) Okay. You were right. I'm in love with Joey's girlfriend. Phoebe: What?! Ross: Are you serious? Phoebe: Well, how-how-how is that possible? You barely know her! Chandler: I don't know. I can't--I just, I can't get her out of my head. Y'know? I mean, I'm a very bad person. I'm a very, very bad person. I'm a horrible person. (he waits for a reaction, when he doesn't get one) No you're not Chandler! We still love you Chandler! Monica: (sneezes) Oh gosh, Phoebe, I think I caught your cold. Phoebe: You mean you stole it! (Monica sneezes again) Don't cover your mouth when you do that! (Joey and Kathy enter, laughing) Joey: Hey. Kathy: (to Chandler) We were just talking about you. Chandler: Really?! Joey: Yeah-yeah, I told her about the time you got drunk and fell asleep with your head in the toilet. Chandler: (laughs) Right in there! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is playing Hide-and-Go-Seek with the chick and the duck.] Chandler: 99...100! Ready or not, here I come! (He opens his eyes and sees that the chick and the duck are still sitting in front of him) All right, let's go over the concept one more time. Joey: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey guys. (to Chandler) Listen uh, you wanna get some dinner with me and Kathy tonight? Chandler: Ohh, umm, y'know what, I already ate. Joey: It's 4:30. Chandler: Y'know I had a big meal on Monday, y'know. So that's just gonna get me straight through the week. Joey: Okay, I see what's going on here. Chandler: You-you do? Joey: Yeah! You don't like Kathy. Chandler: You got me. Joey: Yeah, you've been avoiding her ever since we started going out. Look, I made an effort to like Janice, now I think it's your turn to make an effort to like Kathy by going out to dinner with us. Right? Chandler: Yeah. Right. Joey: Good, and hey! My treat. (He turns to go into his bedroom then stops.) But that's only because you're not eating anything, right? Chandler: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning from a date with Josh, and when they get the door open, Rachel turns and passionately kisses Josh.] Monica: (lying on the couch suffering from her cold) Ross isn't here. Rachel: Oh. (She tries to walk away from Josh, by he keeps holding her) Stop it! Josh: So I'll see you at the party? Beer's beer man, 24, 7!! Rachel: Yeah! (Monica gives a sarcastic thumbs up) (Josh leaves) I am soo gonna marry that guy. (looking in her wallet) Ohhh! Monica: What? Rachel: I think he's stealing from me. Monica: Why? Rachel: Because he's stealing from me! Phoebe: (entering) Hi! It's me. And soup. (to Rachel) Hey, I just saw Josh, he looks so yummy in your leather jacket. Rachel: Ughh! (Storms out after him) Phoebe: (to Monica) Here, now I don't eat chicken, so it's just noodle soup. And there's no chicken in the broth either, so it's really just... noodle water. Monica: Thank you so much Phoebe. Phoebe: (picking up Monica's used Kleenex and putting some in her pocket.) Sure. Monica: What are you doing with those?! Phoebe: But, I need your germs! I want my cold back! I miss my sexy voice. Monica: Sorry, Phoebe. Phoebe: It's okay. How's the soup? Monica: Umm. (nodding her head, "Good.") (Monica sets the soup down and Phoebe picks it up and licks the rim.) Monica: Ohhhh!! Gross!! [Scene: A nightclub, Chandler is having dinner with Kathy and Joey.] Kathy: Ohh, God, guys, check it out, you can see that girl's underwear! Joey: Is she great or what? Kathy: (to Chandler) So? Huh? What do you think? Chandler: Ohh, she's-she's not really my type. Kathy: Not your type?! She's gorgeous! Chandler: Y'know what I think it is? It's the fishnet stockings. Y'know? Whenever I see a girl in fishnet stockings it reminds me of my father in fishnet stockings. Kathy: Okay. Understanding a little more why you're single. Ohh! Y'know, I have a friend you would like, she's really pretty. And then we could double date! Chandler: Uhh, no-no thanks. Kathy: Okay, I've got some ugly friends, and they're all available too. Chandler: Listen, I-I'm gonna grab a beer. (Leaves) Joey: (to Kathy) I'll be right back. (to Chandler) What was that? Chandler: What? Joey: Kathy was being really nice and you just walked away. I thought we had a deal. Chandler: Hey, look, what do you want from me? Joey: I want you to like her! But if that's too damned difficult for you, then the least you can do is pretend. Chandler: I am pretending. Joey: Well then, do it better! Chandler: Okay, what do you saw I go over there and say how much I like her? (Joey gives him a thumbs up) No-no it'll be good, I can tell her much I've been thinking about her. That I haven't stopped thinking about her since the moment I met her. That I'm so fantastically, over-the-top, wanna-slit-my-own-throat in love with her, that for every minute of every hour of every day I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!! Joey: Well, that's pretty good. But you might wanna tone it down a little. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are there.] Ross: (entering) Hey! So, uhh, Amanda just-just dropped me off. Yeah, that's one of the things I love about her, she's...uh, she's old enough to drive. (to Monica) So uhh, I guess you're not going to mom and dad's tonight? Monica: No, sorry. Rachel: Well where's Amanda? Monica: Hey Rach, could you get me some cough drops? Rachel: I mean y'know, I'm thinking. You could bring her, and you guys could go up to your old room, and not make out. Monica: Ross, cough drops, please? Ross: At least I know she's not going out with me to get into R rated movies. Rachel: Why don't you just marry her? Oh no, wait a minute you can't, I'm sorry I forgot, she's not a lesbian. Ross: You see Amanda and I have a very special... Monica: (interrupting) You have nothing! You're not even going out! You're her baby sitter! You have a 12-year-old girl's job! Rachel: (laughing) Ohh, that is soo sad. Monica: And what are you laughing at, Miss `My-keg-sucking-boyfriend-is-stealing-from-me!' (Ross starts laughing) Rachel: Hey, so he stole a couple bucks from me! At least he bought me something with it! (Shows her, her ring) Monica: That's mine!! Now, would you both please start acting like adults? And get me my cough drops! Ross: Fine. Rachel: Sorry. Ross: Here. (Hands her, her cough drops) (to Rachel) At least I made ten bucks in my relationship. Rachel: Y'know... (She does Ross's little gesture. In response Ross puts his hands behind his neck with his arms sticking straight out and starts flapping them together.) [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with her guitar.] Phoebe: (singing) Platting goats are platting. Platting down the street. Platting goats are platting, leaving little treats. (to Gunther) Does it even work without my sexy voice? Gunther: I like it. (sneezes) Phoebe: Gunther, kiss me. Gunther: What? (Phoebe grabs Gunther and kisses him. He then falls to the couch in shock.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV as Joey and Kathy are laughing in Joey's bedroom. They get to be pretty loud so Chandler turns the TV way up.] Joey: (opening the door wearing nothing but a sock, and holding a dart board over the `Little General.') Hey! (Chandler turns down the TV) Now, we're not actually gonna be sleeping in her, but do you mind? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, with a blanket draped over her shoulders, opens the door to a similarly clad Chandler.] Chandler: Can I sleep on your couch? (Monica nods `Yes.' And they both walk to the couch looking all depressed.) CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing, with everyone else present.] Phoebe: (singing) And I'm still waiting for my paper mache man. Thank you my babies. (applause) Gunther: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah. Gunther: I don't know if you heard about what happened between me and Phoebe the other day_ Rachel: No! Gunther: Well, we kissed. I-I-I didn't initiate the kiss, but-but I also didn't stop it, and I've been feeling guilty. Rachel: (confused) Okay. Gunther: So umm, are we cool? Rachel: (really confused) Okay. Gunther: I knew you'd understand. (Gunther walks away, leaving Rachel with a `What just happened?' look on her face.)
Plan: A: Phoebe; Q: Who has a cold that she thinks improves her singing voice? A: Monica; Q: Who does Phoebe try to catch a cold from? A: Ross; Q: Who tries to make Rachel jealous by dating Amanda? A: a beautiful woman; Q: What is Amanda? A: a child Ben's age; Q: What does Amanda have? A: her babysitter; Q: What does Amanda think Ross is? A: an immature guy; Q: Who does Rachel date? A: Chandler; Q: Who is smitten with Joey's new actress girlfriend? A: Kathy; Q: Who is Joey's new girlfriend? Summary: Phoebe has a cold that she thinks improves her singing voice only to be frustrated when her "sexy phlegm" disappears. She then tries to catch Monica's cold. Ross attempts to make Rachel jealous by dating Amanda, a beautiful woman with a child Ben's age, only to discover she thinks he is her babysitter. Rachel dates an immature guy who is stealing from her and the other friends. Chandler is smitten with Joey's new actress girlfriend, Kathy.
SCENE: Past, one year ago. The Enchanted Forest. Prince Phillip rides through the woods. Aurora prepares a picnic. [SCENE_BREAK] Aurora: You're late. Prince Phillip: I came as quickly as I could. Aurora: I'm hungry and I miss you. (Phillip embraces her. They kiss.) Prince Phillip: (Looking at Aurora's belly, gently stroking it) You're always hungry now. Aurora: And cranky. I'm sorry. I know, there are royal responsibilities. Prince Phillip: None that match my responsibilities to you. Our family. I'm the one who should be sorry. (In the distance, thunder and rumbling can be heard. Purple clouds rise.) Aurora: (Looking up to the sky) What is that? Is it a storm? (Their horses flee the scene in panic. Lightning hits the ground.) Prince Phillip: That's not a storm. It's magic. Come. We need to get you to safety. Now. (They turn to run. With one final rumbling the purple clouds disappear.) Are you alright? Aurora: Yeah, I think so. What was that? Prince Phillip: I don't know. (They turn around and face a group of former Storybrooke residents, including Snow White, Prince Charming, the Dwarves, The Evil Queen, Neal Cassidy, Hook and Belle). Aurora: (Surprised) Snow? What happened? Snow White: We're back. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Land Without Magic. Present day. New York City. Restaurant „Ostria". Emma Swan enters. A man awaits her. [SCENE_BREAK] Man: Hey. Emma: Sorry, I'm late. (The man stands up and embraces Emma) Man: I guess that means you caught the guy. Emma: So optimistic. I like it. Man: If you hadn't you'd have cancelled. Emma: You know me too well. Man: Emma Swan always gets her man. (A waiter serves a glass of wine) Emma: And apparently my drink. Thank you. Man: Thank you. How did Henry's volcano do at science fair? Emma: It was Pompeii all over again. Thank you for your help (They clink glasses.) Man: Come on. All I did was convince him not to use real lava. Emma: His teachers did appreciate that. Let's eat. I'm starving. Man: Let's do it. (Emma looks at the menu enlisting small plates. The scene changes to both of them enjoying a meal.) Are you happy? With your food - are you happy? Emma: We are happy. Man: I'll be right back. (standing up.) Emma: Okay. (A waiter takes the plate away.) Thanks. (Emma's cell phone beeps.) Hang on, I'll just finish one quick work thing. (Hook sits down opposite to Emma.) You! Hook: (interrupting) I can explain. Emma: (angry) You are a stalker! Hook: Don't scream. Just hear me out. I don't do this very often. So treasure it, love. I've come to apologize. Emma: For trying to kiss me? Hook: I was simply trying to jog your memory. Emma: It's time for you to go. Now. Hook: Your parents are in great danger, Emma. Emma: You really have no idea what you're talking about. Hook: Cause you think you're an orphan? Because that's haunted you your whole life? I'm here to tell you everything yo believed is wrong. Emma: You don't know me. Hook: Alas, I know you better than you know yourself. I have proof. Take a gander. (He hands Emma s small piece of paper.) Here's an address. If you wanna know who you really are, who your parents are, go there. Emma: Leave. Now. Hook: You've been there before. A year ago. You just don't remember. Emma: A year ago I was in Boston. Till a fire destroyed my apartment and I moved to New York to have a fresh start with my son. Hook: Regina did really a number on you. Emma: You're a crazy person. Or a liar. Or both. Hook: I prefer dashing rapscallion. Scoundrel? Emma: Give me one good reason not to punch you in the face. Hook: You really don't believe me? (He leans a bit closer) Try using your superpower. Yep, I know about that. Use it. See that I'm telling the truth. Emma: Just because you believe something is true, does not make it real. Hook: Maybe. Maybe not. I know you, Swan. You sense something's off. Go to that address. Take a chance. Then you'll want to talk. When you do I'll be in Central Park. By the entrance of the zoo. Don't do it for me. Or you. Do it for your family. They need your help. (Hook leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past, one year ago. Aurora and Prince Phillip welcome the arrived group. [SCENE_BREAK] Snow White: How've things been since we left? The Ogres? Aurora: Defeated. We're restoring our kingdom and our lives. Snow White: (nods) And congratulations. Aurora: (smiling) Is it that obvious? Snow White: You are glowing. The Evil Queen: Why is she pregnant and I'm the one who's sick? Prince Phillip: We have much to celebrate. And know that you and your friends are welcome in our kingdom. If you need anything we're at your service. Prince Charming: Thank you, but all we need is horses. We have our own kingdom. Our own castle. Snow White: (resting a hand on Charming's shoulder) Our castle was destroyed in the curse. Hook: Well played, your Majesty. You laid waste to everything. Aurora: Not everything. Her castle still stands. The Evil Queen: Of course it does. I protected it. Prince Charming: Well, technically, the castle doesn't belong to her. It was Snow's before she took it. The Evil Queen: Well, to be fair, I married into it. Snow White: That you did. And now, we're taking it back. (smiling she takes a step towards The Evil Queen) And you are coming with us. The Evil Queen: You can't be serious. Snow White: Everyone out there is scared and confused. They need hope. What better way to do that then to return united? You're coming with us. I know you don't like it. You'll learn to. For our good. For yours. Prince Charming: (to Phillip and Aurora) Thank you again for your hospitality. We should begin preparations. Prince Phillip: Good luck to all of you. (Prince Charming, The Evil Queen, Hook and Snow White walk away.) Aurora: (worried) You know we can't pretend this didn't happen. They've returned. We have to tell her. Prince Phillip: Aurora, we can't. You know what'll happen to them. What she'll do. Aurora: We both know if she ever found out we hid this, she would take it out on our child. We have no choice. She has to know. We have to trust that they can take care of themselves. It's not up to us to save them. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Land Without Magic. Present day. New York City. Restaurant „Ostria". The man returns and sits down again. He notices Emma reading Hook's note [SCENE_BREAK] Man: Hey. What's that? (sits down.) Emma: (pockets the paper.) Nothing. (A waiter serves Emma a dessert.) Man: Hope you're still hungry. Emma: Walsh, I couldn't eat another bite. Walsh: You remember our first date? You were being you. (chuckles) So I couldn't swing a dinner. I brought you here for lunch, which didn't stop you from ordering an ice-cream sundae, which wasn't on the menu. I bribed the chef. They made one up. Emma: I remember. I was nervous. Now I'm full. Walsh: Will you at least look at it? (He turns the sundae around so that Emma can see a engagement ring placed on the plate.) Emma, I don't want to freak you out, but I couldn't wait any longer. I love you. I love Henry. I love our lives together and I wanna have a future together. (He stands up and kneels down taking Emma's hand.) Emma Swan, will you marry me? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Land Without Magic. Present day. New York City. Emma leaves the restaurant. Walsh catches up with Emma. [SCENE_BREAK] Walsh: I thought the worst thing that could happen was you'd say no but I never thought you'd walk out on the bill. Emma: Walsh. Walsh: No, no, no. I was gonna pay. It was- I'm kidding. Emma: I'm sorry. This wasn't- You just took me by surprise. That's all. A lot of things took me by surprise tonight. Walsh: Look, surprise was kind of part of the plan but I can see now it was not a great plan. So- Emma: Doesn't it all just seem a little fast to you? I mean, we've only been together eight months. I've had leftovers in my fridge for longer than that. Walsh: I know. I threw them out. Might have saved your life. Emma: How do you (pauses) we (pauses) know that this is right? Walsh: Emma, speaking for myself, I've known this was right since the moment you walked into my furniture shop. Why do you think your order was ready two weeks early? Emma: You commitment to excellence? Walsh: (chuckles) I couldn't wait to ask you out. It seemed the most non stalkery way to speed things up. Emma: I do love that end table. Walsh: That's a start. Emma: I do love you. You know that, right? Walsh: Yeah, I do. And I love you. Emma: I'm not good at fast. Walsh: I know. I knew who I was proposing to. I knew you would say this is too fast and that's why we don't have to get married anytime soon. We can wait a year. Or more. Look, I don't care if we don't get married until we're 65 years old and Henry already has kids. Okay? All I know is that I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. Emma: Can I have some time to think? Walsh: Take as much time as you need. I will be here when you're ready. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Land Without Magic. New York City. Present day. Emma's apartment. Emma enters and enters the living room. Henry plays video games. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Ms. Cuse said you were quiet tonight. Henry: Not quiet. Concentrating. I've finally reached level 23. Emma: Do you mind if a fifth-level wizard joins you? Henry: At level 23? Good luck with that. (Emma joins the game.) So what did you say? To Walsh? Emma: You knew? How? Henry: Come on, mom. First date restaurant. A special night out. Writing was on the wall. Emma: Technically, the writing was on the dessert. Henry: So, what did you say? (Emma remains silent.) Poor guy. Emma: I didn't say no. Henry: If you didn't say yes, I stand by my poor guy assessment. Emma: I just need some time to think about it. I mean, it's like a big step, kid. We've got a good thing going here, just the two of us. Henry: Yeah, and we'd still have a good thing if it was just the three of us. Emma: You think Walsh is worthy of joining our little family? Henry: He's okay. (Henry pauses the game and turns around to face Emma) Mom, not every guy is like my dad. Not every guy is just gonna leave you. Emma: He didn't just leave. He set me up to take the fall for his crime and left me in jail. He doesn't even know you exist. He doesn't deserve to. Henry: This guy is not that guy. He wants to be with you. Us. He wants us to be his home. And anyways, I know you like him. Emma: How? Henry: Cause he's the first guy you've dated I've ever met. (Henry resumes the game.) Emma: When did you get so wise? Henry: Somewhere after Level 16 when I became a knight. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past, one year ago. Travel preparations are under way. [SCENE_BREAK] Sneezy: Grumpy, look at us. We're back to normal. Happy: We're handsome again. (Jiminy Cricket lands on Grumpy's shoulder.) Grumpy: Hey Jiminy, is that you? (Jiminy chirps affirmative.) Where you've been? (Jiminy chirps again.) Really? No kidding? (Jiminy chirps.) Okay. Okay. (to Prince Charming) Hey, Your Highness. According to Jiminy 50 more Storybrooke folk landed not two miles from here. They're popping back all over the place. Prince Charming: That's good. At this rate we'll have the whole kingdom back in no time. Grumpy, you and the dwarves, spread the word. All new arrivals make haste for the Queen's Castle. Grumpy: Consider it done. (The dwarves leave and Prince Charming joins Capt. Hook.) Prince Charming: That's a lot of supplies you have there, Hook. Hook: Well, you know what they say about preparation and all that. Prince Charming: There's no need to overload your horse. The Queen's castle is less than a day's ride from here. We'll have everything we need once we get there. Hook: Aye. That would be lovely if I were going to the Queen's castle. Prince Charming: You're not coming with us? Hook: You're a perceptive prince, aren't you? Prince Charming: Where are you going? Hook: Listen, mate. The Enchanted Forest is your home. Mine is the Jolly Roger. Prince Charming: Hook, you don't even know, if it's - Hook: (interrupting) Regina told me how that bloody thing worked. It returned all of our belongings to this land as well as us. It means that somewhere out there is my ship. All I have to do is find her. Prince Charming: And what if you can't? Hook: I'll just have to take another one, then, won't I? That's what pirates do. (He finishes his preparations.) Prince Charming: (stepping back) Huh. And here I thought you're gone and changed. Hook: (mounts his horse) I tried the hero thing. Didn't take. Snow White: So, that's it? Emma's gone. You're gonna go back to be a pirate? Hook: Back, my lady? I've always been a pirate. (He spurs his horse.) Neal: Hey. What Hook said just now about all of our stuff being brought back here - is that true? Prince Charming: What are you looking for? Neal: I was thinking maybe we can stop by my father's place on the way to the Queen's castle. Prince Charming: Neal, I know you're hurt, but Rumplestiltskin is gone. Neal: Maybe. Maybe not. And if he's not maybe he can get me back to Emma. Snow White: Neal, it's impossible. Regina was clear. The price of our return was a complete reset. No more portals. This is our realm for good. There's no way to cross over. Not without another curse. Prince Charming: We have to move on. This is our home now. Now, I know, you miss them. So do we. Even if there were some way to get to them, they wouldn't remember us. The best thing we can do for Emma and Henry is the only thing we can do: Let them be and know we gave them their best chances. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Land Without Magic. The next morning. New York City. Emma's apartment. Henry gets ready for school. Emma tidies up the kitchen. [SCENE_BREAK] Henry: Mom, do you have it? My permission slip? It's due today and if I don't hand it in I'll miss the museum trip next week. Emma: Yeah, your permission slip is right here. (Emma takes a look at Hook's note.) Henry: Mom, is there something going on? Emma: No, nothing. Henry: No. You're doing it again. You're worrying. Emma: No, I'm not. I'm thinking. There's a difference. Henry: Are you thinking about Walsh? Emma: No, I- (hesitates) Yeah, I am. Can you blame me for taking 24 hours to think through making a life-altering decision? Just want to make sure that nothing is wrong. Henry: You're always look for something to be wrong. You don't have to do that you know. Sometimes it's okay to accept things are good. Henry: I got to go. I'm gonna be late. See you. Love you. Emma: Love you, too. (Emma reads Hooks note. It reads: '89 Wooster Street. New York. NY 10012') [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Land Without Magic. Present day. New York City. Neal's apartment. Emma breaks in the apartment and looks around. She notices a Dream Catcher hanging in the window. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: (picks up the Dream Catcher) Flypaper for nightmares. Neal. (Emma walks around, picking up some letters. Again, she notices they're addressed to Neal Cassidy. Walking around a bit further she picks up a key chain. Henry's name is embroidered on it.) That's not possible. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Land Without Magic. Present day. New York City. Central Park. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: (relieved) Swan, I knew that'd work.It's good to see you again. Emma: (angry) Why didn't you tell me it was Neal's place? Hook: I think the tone of your voice answers that quite clearly. You never would have gone if I had. Emma: What does Neal have you up to? Is he trying to get into Henry's life? How does he even know about him? Hook: I've already told I'm not here because of Neal. I'm here because your parents are in trouble. Their entire kingdom has been cursed, ripped back to Storybrooke. Emma: What are you talking about? (doubtful) My parents? Their kingdom? A curse? Do you know what you sound like? Hook: Like a mad man, I'm sure. But it's true. Your parents need you. You're the only one who can save them. If you don't believe me at all, why did you come here? Emma: Because Neal has a cameo with my son's name on it. (Emma shows Hook the key chain she'd picked up earlier.) How? Hook: Don't you see? That is proof of what I'm saying. Henry must have left that in the apartment when you were in New York last year. Emma: Not good enough. I want answers. Real ones. Hook: There's only one way you'll get those. Drink this. (Hook hands Emma a memory potion.) Emma: Drink the thing the crazy guy just offered me? No, thank you. Hook: It'll help you remember everything you have lost. If one small part of you senses that, don't you owe it to yourself to find out, if I'm right? What do you say, love? Take a leap of faith. Give it a go. Emma: Call me love one more time and you'll lose the other hand. (Emma cuffs Hook.) Hook: Swan, what are you doing? Emma: Making sure that you never bother my son and me again. (Emma whistles. Two police officers approach. Emma turns towards the officers.) This is the guy. The one who assaulted me. Hook: It was a kiss. Emma: There. He confessed. (Emma turns to leave.) Police Man: Your under arrest for assault and criminal harassment, sir. You have the right to remain silent. Hook: Swan, please. You're making a mistake. A terrible, terrible mistake. Swan, you family needs you. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past, one year ago. Nearby the Dark Palace. Belle approaches Neal. [SCENE_BREAK] Belle: You'll see them again. Emma and Henry. Neal: Well, let's hope I don't have to curse an entire kingdom to get back to them. Belle: I heard you talking to David about Rumple. You know, we never saw his knife. I think we can get him back. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past, one year ago. Nearby the Dark Palace. [SCENE_BREAK] Snow White: Regina's castle is just beyond the mountains. Prince Charming: I think you mean our castle. Snow White: That's going to take some getting used to. The last time I was there was just after my father's death. And I've always dreamed of returning. I just never imagined it would be with Regina by our side. (Grumpy approaches Snow White.) Grumpy: I wouldn't count on that, sister. The Queen - she's missing. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past, one year ago. Elsewhere in the woods. The Evil Queen buries something. Snow White approaches her. [SCENE_BREAK] Snow White: What are you doing? The Evil Queen: (sighs) So, now you're following me? Snow White: We were worried. And it looks like we were right to be. What are you burying? The Evil Queen: Nothing that concerns you. Snow White: Why does that make me think it does? What have you done? (Digging The Evil Queen shifts her weight and Snow White is able to glimpse something red lying on the ground.) Is that a heart? The Evil Queen: (angry) Go away! Snow White: It's your heart, isn't it? The Evil Queen: I'm not having this conversation with you. Snow White: I know you miss Henry. The Evil Queen: (standing up) Not as much as I did when that was still beating in my chest. Snow White: But, Regina, this isn't the answer. No matter how much pain you may feel, you can't just bury it in the woods. The Evil Queen: Watch me. (kneeling down again she resumes her work.) Snow White: You won't feel better. You won't feel anything. The Evil Queen: (standing up) That's the point. I can't keep walking around knowing that I'll never see Henry, that he doesn't even remember who I am. Snow White: I know exactly how you're feeling. I just said good-bye to my daughter. For the second time. Henry, too.But I promise you it will get better. (pointing at Regina's heart) With that. Right now, it might be causing you pain, but I promise you, it will let you feel something else soon enough. The Evil Queen: What's that? Snow White: The one thing Henry always wanted you to find. Happiness. The Evil Queen: I can't be happy without him. Snow White: Find a way. For Henry. (The Evil Queen sighs. She picks up her heart and restores it.) The Evil Queen: Now let's get back to our castle. (The Evil Queen leads the way, Snow White follows her. Both of them are unaware to a peering red eye in the undergrowth behind them. As the creature flies off, rustling can be heard.) Snow White: Did you hear that? There was something there. (The Evil Queen turns around and joins Snow White.) In that bush. The Evil Queen: (briefly examining the undergrowth) There's nothing here, unless it flew away. Snow White: (looking up to the sky) It did. (A flying monkey attacks them.) We need to find cover! The Evil Queen: No. I don't run from monsters. They run from me. (launches a fireball at the flying monkey. Winging sideways the monkey is able to avoid the fire ball. Once again the monkey dives. It snatches The Evil Queen from the ground lifting her a few feet up in the air.) Snow White: Regina! Regina! (Forcefully, Snow White pulls The Evil Queen down. Breaking free the monkey tears her sleeve and draws blood.) It's too fast. The Evil Queen: I'm open to suggestions. Man: (shouting) Get down! (Snow White and the Evil Queen duck. The flying monkey is struck by an arrow. Shrieking in pain it turns around and flees.) Man: (reaching out to The Evil Queen) Milady. (noticing the claw mark) You're injured. The Evil Queen: It's Your Majesty. And I'm fine. Man: A simple thank you would suffice. The Evil Queen: We didn't ask for your help. (standing up) Snow White: Well, I'm grateful for the assistance. (The man pulls her up.) Man: (shaking her hand) Robin. Robin of Locksley. (turning to his companions) And these are a few of my Merry Men. Snow White: (introducing herself) Snow White. Robin Hood: At last we meet. You know, there was a time when our faces graced Wanted posters side by side. Little John: (nods into the Evil Queen's direction) If you're really Snow White, why are you with her? The Evil Queen: Her? Show some respect. Or at least some restraint at the buffet. Robin Hood: You'll have to excuse Little John, but before you cursed this land we spent many a day running from your Black Knights. The Evil Queen: Well, I'm sure you deserved it. (looking up to the sky) What the hell was that thing? Robin Hood: I have no idea. We've never encountered the likes of it before. (In the distance a monkey shrieks again.) Snow White: Come on. This way. We need to warn the others. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Land Without Magic. New York City. Present day. Emma and Henry walk to school together. [SCENE_BREAK] Henry: You wanna talk to me about Walsh, don't you? Emma: How would you say that? Henry: (holding a candy bar in his hands) You bought me candy at the drug store. Emma: Okay. Maybe you're right. I have been thinking about him. Maybe what happened in my past with your birth father has kept me from living my life now. Maybe it's time for me to start looking forward. We start looking forward. Henry: So, does that mean you gonna marry him? (Emma smiles) So, that's a yes. How are you gonna tell him. Emma: Wait. Wait. First, I didn't say that I - Henry: You could tell him at dinner tonight. Emma: We're not having dinner. Henry: I might have send him a text from your phone this morning. He's coming over at eight and I arranged to sleep over by Avery's so the two of you could be alone. It's okay, mum. If your gut's telling you to marry him, trust it. Emma: Crap, I forgot to pick something up. Here. Take this. (She hands him a bag.) Go. See, if you can beat Level 24. I'll meet you up there. See ya. Henry: (entering) See ya. (Emma takes a closer look at some photographs.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Land Without Magic. Present day. New York City. Hook leaves the 35. New York Police Department. Emma is waiting for him outside. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Hey. We need to talk. Hook: I knew you wouldn't let me rot in that cage. I've been in my fair share of brigs, but none as barbaric as that. They force-fed me something called bologna. Emma: (showing him the photos) What the hell are these? (confused) We never lived in a town called Storybrooke. We never took a flight from Boston to New York. We never did any of this. Hook: So you believe me, then. Emma: I don't know. You could have photoshopped these pictures? Hook: (confused) Photoshopped? Emma: Faked. Hook: If you think these are forgeries, then why'd you spring me from the brig? Because as much as you deny it, deep down, you know something's wrong. Deep down, you know I'm right. Emma: It's not possible. How can I forget all of this? Hook: I promise you there's an explanation. Emma: Not one that' ll make sense. Hook: (offering her the memory potion) If you drink this, it will. Emma: If- If what you're saying is true I'd have to give up my life here. Hook: It's all based on lies. Emma: It's real and it's pretty good. I have Henry. A job. A guy I love. Hook: Perhaps there's a man that you love in the life you've lost. Regardless, if you wanna find the truth, drink up. Do you really want to live a life of lies? You know this isn't right. Trust your gut, Swan. It will tell you what to do. Emma: Henry always says that. Hook: Then if you won't listen to me, then listen to your boy. (Emma takes the potion and drinks it. Emma remembers Henry visiting her in Boston, her arrival in Storybrooke, fighting a dragon, breaking the Dark Curse, an encounter with the Wraith, Neal falling through a portal, Regina erasing Storybrooke.) Emma: Hook. Hook: (smiles) Did you miss me? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past, one year ago. Nearby the Dark Palace. [SCENE_BREAK] Neal: Good to see you again, Robin. Robin Hood: You too, Baelfire. Belle: (clears throat) Well, we've come a long way, haven't we? Robin Hood: (joyful) Belle! (embraces Belle, then he turns to Neal) I believe you already know she was treating a poor thief far better than I deserved. Neal: She does that a lot. Robin Hood: And what of you? What of your journey? Were you able to find your son in Neverland? Neal: Yes, thank you. Robin Hood: I don't mean to pry, but I don't see the boy. Neal: It's complicated but - uh, he's safe. He's with his mother. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past, one year ago. Nearby the Dark Palace. Snow White and the Evil Queen walk together. [SCENE_BREAK] The Evil Queen: (turning around, she briefly watches Robin Hood) So, what do you think of our new friend? Can we trust him? He's a thief. Snow White: Think of it from his perspective. How do you think he looks at you? The Evil Queen: Point taken. Snow White: He's kind of cute, mhm? The Evil Queen: He smells like forest. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past, one year ago. Outside the Dark Palace. [SCENE_BREAK] Prince Charming: Look! Snow White: What happened? The Evil Queen: That's exactly what I'm about to find out. (The Evil Queen walks up to the crossroads and touches the air. Crackling a protection spell materializes.) A protection spell. The entire castle is encircled by it. Prince Charming: Didn't you do this? Undo it. The Evil Queen: Well, don't you think, if I could I'd be half way home by now? No, someone hijacked it. Snow White: Who? Who's in there? The Evil Queen: I don't know, but I'm gonna find out whoever 's eating my porridge. Nobody sits in my chair. Nobody takes our castle. Prince Charming: Hey. We've got a lot of people looking to us. They're scared and rightfully so. Let's get them to safety first. The Evil Queen: They'll be safe when whoever is in there is dead. Snow White: Rushing in there is a bad plan, Regina. You know that. Robin Hood: I can offer save harbor in Sherwood Forest. It's not far. We can offer food, shelter, and a thick canopy no creature will spy you under. Prince Charming: Do you have weapons? Robin Hood: We're lousy with them. The Evil Queen: Fine. Lead the way. But we're coming back. And whoever did this is going to suffer. Snow White: Regina, it's our home. We'll make it save again. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Land Without Magic. Present day. New York City. Emma's apartment. The kitchen. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: Snow and the Queen settled their differences. Frankly, I was bored. I had a life to get back to. A pirate's life. Emma: Glad to see you haven't changed. Hook: There wasn't anything for me in the Enchanted Forest. Why would I stay? (They clink glasses) All was well until I got a message. A message saying that there was a new curse and that everyone had been returned to Storybrooke. The message told me that the only hope was you. Emma: You came all the way back here to save my family? Hook: I came back to save you. Emma: Who could have done this? Hook: (shrugs) Someone powerful enough to reach into this world. Emma: Any more specific thoughts? Hook: Alas, you're the savior, not me. Emma: You know what I was yesterday? A mother. Till you showed up and started pocking holes in everything I thought was real. When I drank that potion it was like waking up from a dream. A really good dream. Hook: Well, you have what matters most. Your son. Emma: Now, I have to figure out how to explain this to him. Hook: Alas, I could only scavenge together enough for one dose of memory potion. Emma: Better start figuring out what I'm gonna tell him. (Doorbell rings.) Hook: Who's that? Emma: Walsh. Henry invited him. Hook: (intending to stand up.) I could get rid of him. Emma: No. My memories might not be real, but he is and so are the eight months we spent together. (sighs) I owe him an explanation. Hook: What are you gonna say to him? Emma: (sighs) I don't know. But I care about him too much to drag him into all this. Wait here. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Land Without Magic. Present day. New York City. Emma's apartment. Rooftop terrace. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Sorry, my place is just kind of a mess right now. Walsh: Emma, it's okay to make a bold, romantic gesture without passing it off as a housekeeping malfunction. Emma: Walsh, I can't marry you. Walsh: It's too soon, huh? Emma: It's not that? I need to go home and take care of some things. Walsh: Home? You said you were an orphan. You said it was just you and Henry, that this was your home. Emma: That wasn't a lie.There's a part of my life that I've been blocking out, and I think it would be impossible for you to understand. Walsh: Come on. How do you know that? What changed overnight? Emma: Someone from my past showed up. Walsh: Henry's father? Another ex? Emma: It's nothing like that. He's- He's more like a ghost. Walsh: Okay, so that's how I'm supposed to sleep at night? You're trading me in for a ghost? Emma: It kills me to have to make this choice at all, to leave us behind my whole life. Walsh: Emma. If you love this life, than keep it. Stay. Just stay. Emma: I can't. I wish you could see this the way I see it. Walsh: And I wish you hadn't drank that potion. Emma: (surprised) What? Walsh: (knocks a chair aside) You just couldn't leave well enough alone. Emma: (confused) What are you talking about? Walsh: It's too bad. I actually kind of liked you. Emma: Who are you? (Briefly Walsh's pupils change to a red color. He leaps forward attacking Emma. Emma ducks. Walsh falls over the parapet. Looking down Emma notices a flying monkey winging back upwards.) Really? (Emma picks up an iron bar. For a few moments Emma wrestles with the monkey. Finally, she's able to push it over the parapet. As it hits the ground it crumbles into dust.) Hook: Swan! What the blazes was that? Emma: A reminder that I was never save. All that I wanted, that I thought I could have was not in the cards for the savior. We leave in the morning. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Land Without Magic. The next morning. New York City. Emma's apartment. The kitchen. Emma prepares breakfast for Henry. [SCENE_BREAK] Henry: Mom! Mom! You're hurting the eggs. Emma: Right. May I ask you something? Henry: Sure. Emma: Do you believe in magic? Henry: Of course.And the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. If it gets me a present, I believe.You're not sure you made the right decision, are you? Emma: I just didn't feel like pancakes. Henry: About Walsh. Emma: Oh. (laughs) I made the right decision. I'm certain. It's gonna be you and me, kid, for a little while. Here you go (serves Henry the pancakes) Henry: As long as you're happy. (standing up) Tasty. But I've got to run. I'm gonna be late for school. You kind of overslept. Emma: Nope. How about we go on a trip? Henry: Like a vacation? (sits down again) Emma: Like I have a new case, and it's in Maine, and it might take me awhile, and I think we should go. It would be an adventure. Henry: No school? A trip with you? Sold. Emma: Good, 'cause I already packed. Henry: When do we leave? Emma: Now. (Knocking.) Henry: Are you expecting someone? Emma: Yeah. (Emma opens the door. Hook is standing outside.) Hook: You're ready, Swan? Emma: Henry. This is Killian. He's- I'm, uhm. I'm helping him with his case. Henry: Did you skip bail? Hook: Oh, he's still a little spitfire. Henry: Still? Emma: He's not a perp. He's a client. Henry: Why are you dressed like that? Hook: Why are you dressed like that? Emma: Alright. Alright. Just make yourself useful, Killian, and get our bags.Henry, lend him a hand. Henry: Wait. We're already going? (Emma hands him his coat) Emma: Yes, I just need one last thing. (Walking over to her wardrobe she picks up her red leather jacket.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Land Without Magic. Storybrooke. Present day. Emma drives down the main street. She parks the car. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: It's really back. I'm really back. Hook: As quaint and homey as you remember? Emma: As cursed as I remember. Hook: (attaches his hook) That's more like it, isn't it, Swan? Emma: How you gonna explain that to him? Hook: Well, that's more your concern. Perhaps it'll jog his memory. Emma: Or give him nightmares. Last time, this curse took away everyone's memories. Hook: This time we don't know what it did. Emma: Then I'll find out. Stay here and watch Henry. Don't wake him or scare him or just let him sleep. Hook: Aye. Where are you going? Emma: To talk to my parents. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Land Without Magic. Storybrooke. Present day. Blanchard Apartment. Emma knocks. David opens the door. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Hi. Don't close the door. I- My name is- David: Emma. Emma: David. David: (hugs her) You remember? Emma: You remember. David: Of course. What are you doing here? Emma: Well, Hook found me. He brought me here. He said you were cursed. David: Yeah, we're back. Or never left. We don't know. We're trapped again. Emma: You know who you are. David: Emma, this curse we don't know who did it. Or why. All we know is our last year it's been wiped away. Emma: Wiped away? David: All we remember is saying good-bye to you. It feels like yesterday. Emma: But if you can't remember, then how do you know that it's been a - Mary Margaret: Emma? Emma. Emma: year. David: (He puts a protective arm around a pregnant Mary Margaret) As you can see, a lot's happened. Mary Margaret: We just don't know what. The whole year is gone. Emma: Who the hell would have done this? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past, one year ago. Dark Palace. Regina's private chambers. The Wicked Witch is accompanied by a flying monkey. [SCENE_BREAK] Wicked Witch of the West: Did you get what I need? (Flying monkey screeches) Show me. (The creature holds up his claw.) That's her blood? The Queen's? (The monkey nods.) Lovely. (The Wicked Witch picks up a small bottle and the monkey pours the blood in) Now, I shall get my revenge. Of course, I will. The Queen may be evil, but I'm wicked. And wicked always wins.
Plan: A: Rumplestiltskin; Q: Who sacrificed his life to stop Pan from enacting another curse? A: Regina; Q: Who erased the original curse of Pan? A: Storybrooke; Q: What did Regina's curse erase from existence? A: Fairy Tale Land - leaving Emma; Q: Where did Regina send the residents of Storybrooke? A: New York City; Q: Where does Hook visit Emma in order to jog her memory? A: a desperate situation; Q: What is Emma trying to help her family and friends out of? Summary: After Rumplestiltskin sacrificed his life to stop Pan from enacting another curse, Regina obliterated her original curse, which erased Storybrooke from existence and whisked its residents back to Fairy Tale Land - leaving Emma and Henry back in our world with no memories of Storybrooke. But all is not well back in the Enchanted Forest when Hook comes calling on Emma in New York City in an attempt to jog her memory so that she can once again help her fairy tale family and friends out of a desperate situation.
[The Boys stroll down Liberty Avenue after work. Brian has an arm slung around Mike's shoulder, and he points to an old bug-eyed leather queen walking towards them.] Brian: See that guy? He just turned thirty. That's what you're look in a couple of days, Mike. Emmett: Oh, don't listen to him. You look like you're ten. Brian: Yeah, but the strange things happens your thirties. You look great the night before and when you wake up the next morning your ass falls down to here and your dick disappears. Ted: Well, I'm thirty three. What does that make me? Brian: Did you guys somebody hear something? Like a voice from the dead? Michael: I'm glad I'm not moving in with David. I don't know how much time I have left. Ted: Maybe you're lure by the prospect of all that chiropractic s*x. Michael: s*x wasn't that great. Emmett: Has nobody seen to remember about talented tongue. Ted: Yeah, and fantastic fingers. Emmett: Orgasms without... Michael: Alright the s*x was great, but it gets boring, you know, with the same person. Brian: Oh, who wouldn't know? Michael: Now, I'm ready to go out and do all those things you can't do with a boyfriend -- you know, go to the clubs, go out dancing. Ted: Go home alone. Brian: Hey, busboy! [Zoom in on Justin, busing a table across the diner. Justin, mouth wide open again, flips Brian off. The whole table, except Mike, laughs.] Brian: Do you think we can get some water? [Debbie saunters over, chuckling. Her t-shirt has a drawing of a headless figure on it, with "Need head?" written underneath.] Michael: What is he doin' here? Debbie: Isn't he adorable? The customers love him. His ass gets more compliments than the burgers. Ted: At least his buns are fresh. [Justin returns with four glasses of water, and since he's carrying them with two hands, yes, his fingers are dipping into each glass.] Michael: Jesus! You viving in my room at my mother's house, working where I eat -- I just can't get rid of you, can I? Justin: Blame him. [to Brian] He the one who make me do this. Brian: He just paying out the charge he make on my credit card. Michael: Couldn't you send him to prison? Debbie: This is worse. Where is David? Michael: Um, I think he has a patient. Debbie: Don't bullshit me. OK, so Emmett how about those blueberry pancakes you love, honey? Emmett: Uh, yes, yum! [Cut to the pharmacy later on; Emmett's not so happy anymore. Holding his tummy, he burps.] Emmett: Why I eat those goddamn pancakes? They're repeating more than I Love Lucy. Ted: I need to refill my claritin. [When a hunky guy passes them on the way to the pharmacist's counter. Ted's eyes go wide with recognition.] Ted: Hey, you see that guy? Emmett: Honey, I caught him the minute he came in. Ted: I had s*x with him. Emmett: You didn't have. Ted: I do. Emmett: Stop it. Tell me details. Ted: It was six months ago, after work, I stopped off to pick some bottle water on the way home, you know before I start using the Brita filter. Emmett: OK, not evey detail. [In a flashback, we see Ted reaching for the water inside the cooler, when this guy's arm snakes around his to get another bottle. Ted and Water Guy's eyes meet. ] Ted: Sorry. Guy: No problem. Ted: I don't wanna face that morning without water. Guy: Really? [Ted's getting screwed in the back of a Range Rover, and having a damn good time of it, too. Back in the present.] Ted: And that's the story. Emmett: I need to go into a phone booth and jerk off. Ted: I probably looked good to him because he didn't have his contacts in. Emmett: Honey, take it any way you can. Ted: Oh, I did. [As they go up to the counter, they hear Water Guy asking the pharmacist.] Guy: How many times I should take this protease-inhibiting medicine? Emmett: He must be positive. That's why he has such a good body. They put them on steroids, you know. [Ted leans against a shelf, in shock.] Emmett: What? You're safe, aren't you? [Ted's face pretty much answers that question.] [The Big Q Mart. Mike's on the floor when Marlys comes running up.] Marly: Michael, we need you in the back. There is a fire. Michael: A fire? Holy sh1t! [Mike races back with her...] Michael: Where is the fire? Tracy: [yells] Over here! [He finds that the "fire" is a bunch of candles on a makeshift birthday cake. All the Q-Martyrs yell "Surprise!" and clap in their little blue vests.] Tracy: Surprise! Happy birthday! Michael: You guys. How did you ... Marly: Tracy found out. She knows everything about you. Michael: Oh, really? Tracy: Not everything. Make a wish. [Mike blows out the candles, and Tracy kisses him sweetly on the mouth.] Tracy: Happy birtday, Mike. [Mike and Brian hit the sauna. Lots of heavily breathing men share the sauna with them.] Michael: They threw a party for me at work. Brian: Oh, that's cute! Michael: Right, that's knowing that all my best years are behind me. [Brian's still not caring, but in a way that allows him to check out the naked guy who just sat down next to him.] Michael: You're not planing some pittiest birthday surprise, are you? Brian: Why would I celebrate a tragic event like that? Michael: Good. Cause I want that day to pass without a single reminder that I'll never be young and cute again. [Brian's done paying attention, and checks out another guy who's sat down next to the naked guy.] Brian: Well, that's why you should have kept the good doctor around; you'll always be younger and cuter than him. Michael: I thought you couldn't stand him. Brian: When did I ever say that? Michael: Every chance you got? Brian: Maybe he wasn't such a bad guy I though. Michael: Well, now's a hell of a time to tell me! Brian: Why? You didn't break up you can't make it. Michael: Of course not. Brian: That's good. Because we can't spend the rest of our f*cking lives together. [Sauna Guy Two and Naked Guy start pawing each other, looking straight at Brian the whole time. Brian casually gets up in mid-conversation and walks out. Two and Naked follow him. Mike is left alone, shaking his head.] [At the clinic, Emmett slow dances with the skeleton while Ted nervously sits on the examination table.] Emmett: How could you do that? How could you lapsed? Ted: I wasn't thinking. There was no time to think. Emmett: Well, that's not an excuse. I always have condoms, spermicidal lubricant... Ted: A bottle of hydrogen peroxide and witch hazel. Great. So, you're the Safe s*x poster boy, and I'm the Happy Hooker. Emmett: I'm just saying you have to be careful. Ted: Alright, already! Emmett: I'm serious! If anything happened to you...you're too important to me. Ted: Thanks. [In walks the cutest medic in the world, all tall and broad-shouldered, but not overly so. Emmett starts provocatively chewing on a tongue depressor. The medic smiles.] Doctor: OK, let's go. Emmett: Hi. Doctor: Hi. You aren't a regular patient, are you? Ted: He's not a regular of anything. Emmett: I'm just tested for moral support. I mean I've tested every six months. Which is silly, really, because most of my s*x is cyber. Doctor: What is you insurance situation? Emmett: I'm pay by check. Address, phone number right across the top. Ted: I'm can't do this. Emmett: He's nervous. Doctor: I'm sure you'll be fine. Emmett: That's what I'm told him. Doctor: OK, we're all done. And now... Ted: ...we'll wait. [At Debbie's, Debbie hands Justin two Kleenex boxes to go put in his room.] Debbie: Sunshine! Do this up in your room. Michael: MY room. Debbie: C'mon sweety. Back off. You're back to be thirty years old. Justin: [mouths] So old. Michael: Don't remind me. [Mike drops a packet of pills in front of Vic, who's sitting at the table.] Debbie: What are those? Michael: His meds. Debbie: I thoughed you just got some. Vic: Those pills don't go far when you're popping fifty pills a day. Michael: You're in your last refill. Vic: I'll call the doctor. Debbie: Speaking of Doctors -- Michael: That's a subtle segue. Look, I don't want discuss this, it doesn't concern you. Debbie: Oh no? I just lost a potential son-in-law. Michael: All you lost was free treatment for osteoporosis. Debbie: Michael Charles Novotny! Vic: Oh, oh! Middle name! Look out! [As Vic gets out of the way, Debbie grasps Mike's face with both hands.] Debbie: Do listen to me and listen carefully! Do not f*ck this up. Now, I want you to call David right now, and apologize for whatever it is that you did. Michael: What makes you think I did anything! Debbie: I'm your mother! Michael: Mom, David and I had nothing in common except Pantene shampoo and conditioner in one, and I had to give up my entire life. I couldn't see my friends, I couldn't go to clubs. Vic: Good. Get out before they kick you out. Before you turn invisible. Debbie: See? Listen to your uncle. You wanna be like him? You know what I mean. Listen, in a few days, you're not going to be a kid anymore, hanging out with Brian. Michael: Why is it always Brian? Debbie: You tell me. I mean, David really cared for you. You could see it in his eyes. Ah Vic, couldn't you? Vic: I didn't noticed. I was too busy looking at his chest. Michael: There'll be someone else! Debbie: There will always be someone else! But there won't be someone like David every day. [Mike crumples a shopping bag and stomps out. Later at his apartment, Mike sits on his bed and stares at the phone. Eventually, he picks it up and dials a number. The screen splits to show Mike on his bed and David in his own living room.] David: Hello? Hello? [Mike doesn't say anything back. David looks at his phone.] David: Michael. I have Caller ID. Michael: Sorry, I must have pushed the wrong number. [He hangs up. David sighs heavily and tosses the phone across the room.] [Brian's. Brian lets Debbie in.] Debbie: You've ruined my kid's life! Brian: What, no hello kiss? Debbie: I mean it! You got some fizzy? I'll remember the first time I heard your name. Michael says, 'There is this new boy in school - Brian Kinney. For weeks, that's all he could talk about. Brian Kinney this, and Brian Kinney that. And then the next thing I knew, you were cutting classes. And then I come home from work one day, and there you were, fourteen and drunk. It was then that I knew you were trouble. And you haven't disappointed me a day since then. Brian: Well, at least you can't accuse me of being inconsistent. Debbie: Consistent heartbreak! Brian: C'mon Deb, you know I've looked out for Mikey. Debbie: I never said you weren't there for him. You've been there too much! Always giving him those little extra tidbits of your affection, huh? To make him believing that maybe, someday, you'd be his. Brian: Who knows, maybe we'll end up a couple of old queens in Palm Springs. Debbie: Only what's he supposed to do until then? He had a chance with David but you had f*ck it up! Brian: He wasn't have any fun! Debbie: He has enough fun! You've all had enough fun! It's time for him to be a man! Brian: What do you want me to do about that? Debbie: Well, I don't know! Some! You owe my kid some! Brian: OK, I'll do something. It's Mikey's thirtieth birthday. He should have a party he never forgets. [A sex-novelty store called "Seduction." Ted and Melanie are hanging out, looking for a birthday present for Michael. Melanie's twisting the pen1s on a mannequin gussied up in a leather harness.] Mel: Would you look at this? It lift and separate. Ted: Sounds like the I-Can't-Believe-It's-A-Bra. Mel: Same principle. It's the I-Can't Believe-It's-A-Harness. Ted: Well somehow, I can't see Michael trussed up like a turkey. Mel: So, what are we doin' here? Ted: Michael's one of my best friends. I can't let his thirtieth birthday go by without getting him something cheap and demeaning. Mel: How about some ben-wa balls? Ted: Well, he is a bit of a tight-ass. I wonder what Brian will get him. Mel: If he's lucky, a farewell f*ck, once and for all... Ted: Nice! Mel: Well, after all, it is something he wants, but would never get for himself. [Melanie picks up a rotating vibrator.] Mel: What do you think of this? Ted: I think he already has one. Mel: No I mean for Lindsay and me. Ted: Sorry, not my area. Mel: It hasn't been mine, either, lately. Ted: Well give it time. After a woman gives birth, it may take several months before she feels sexual again. Mel: Oh god, I really wish you'd stop reading Redbook. Ted: McCall's. The s*x tips are better. Did you know that there are ten ways to please a man without opening your mouth? Go figure. Mel: It's not just the s*x. I don't know, I feel like she's shutting me out. I just die how long I can take it. Ted: Look, I don't wanna hear this. Mel: Why can't I share? Ted: Because the minute you start telling your friends your relationship problems, it's the beginning of the end. Find a shrink! Mel: I've been in therapy for six years. Ted: Are you covered by insurance? Mel: Yep. Ted: Great! Then have a breakdown. You can afford it. Mel: Jesus, what is it with you? You're so negative! Ted: From your lips to God's ears. [A cell phone rings, and they both grab for theirs. It's Ted's, and Medic Guy has called to give him good news.] Ted: Hello? Doctor: Hey Ted, it's Steve from Dr.Ross office. You're results are in. Ted: God, that was fast. So, do you want me to come in? Doctor: No, no need to. Everything's fine. Ted: Thanks. I'm negative. I'm negative! Mel: That's okay, happy people can be really annoying. [Later, Ted and Emmett walk across a leaf-strewn park.] Ted: OK, we got to prepare our stories to Michael. I don't trust you to think on the spot. Emmett: What is it to you? You're so negative. Ted: Funny, that's what the doctor said. Emmett: You heard? Oh Ted, my god, that's fabulous! Now I hope you're learned your lesson. Ted: Yes, mother. Emmett: Oh my god, you see what I got for Michael. A vintage Easy-Cake Oven! Ted: Why you get him that? Emmett: Every gay boy wanted an Easy-Cake Oven. Ted: Uh-huh. Emmett: Didn't you? Ted: Uh-uh. So, they're already called you? Emmett: Oh, I haven't checked my messages yet. Steve, Cutie from Dr.Ross office. He wants me to... Ted: What? Emmett: He wants me to come in as soon as possible. Ted: Well, I'm sure it can't mean what you think it means because you said yourself you never do anything. Emmett: All you have to do is ONE thing. Ted: I'm sure your fine, Emmett. Emmett: Then why he didn't say that? Ted: It's probably a procedure with new patients. Emmett: Bullshit! Everybody knows that when they tell you to come in, it means something's wrong. f*ck, the office is closed for the weekend... I have... I have to wait 'till monday? I'll have to wait for f*cking monday?! The whole f*cking weekend?! Ted: OK, so we're just remain calm and... Emmett: Oh my god, why is this happening to me? Ted: Okay, this is good, too. [David's house. In the pouring rain, Brian smoke a cigarette under his umbrella, and leans against his Jeep, parked in David's driveway. David comes jogging up the street.] Brian: Hey, Doc. You got all sweaty without me. David: Well, I went for a jog. Brian: Yeah, I know how hard it is to stay in shape after a certain age. David: Look, I know you wouldn't come all the way out here just to insult me, and we're not battling it out over Michael's attention, anymore -- you won -- so why are you here? Brian: For forgot RSVP? You know the surprise party. I wrote it on the message. David: Oh yeah, I though it would be a joke. Brian: Why would it be a joke? David: Look, I don't think Michael would feel to comfortable with me be there. Quite frankly I don't think I feel to comfortable be there myself. Brian: Doc, you're always welcome in my place. David: Thanks, but no thanks. Brian: Come on, you're not going to give up that easily, are you? David: Hey, I didn't give up. It was his decision. Brian: Mikey doesn't always known what's best for him. David: No sh1t! Brian: Sometimes he need a little push. So, you'll come by around nine? [T&E at Emmett's and Mike's place. Ted and Emmett are sitting on the sofa.] Emmett: I've never been in Paris. I always want to see Paris. Ted: You still get there. Even if you're positive it doesn't mean you're gonna dropped it tomorrow. Emmett: Oh my god, you said it. You've said 'You're positive.' Ted: I said 'even if' to imply the lack of possibility. Emmett: I known a guy in P-town. He sticking his fingers in my mouth or maybe at the Gymn. Ted: I though you'd did anything. Emmett: I know guys who f*ck a hundred times a week. Five or six times isn't anything. Ted: Emmett, you cannot be infected. No-one in the world is more HIVphobic than you. You're practically boiling the sheets! Emmett: Well, that still doesn't explain why their wanna see me. God, how the f*ck can I make this weekend? Oh Ted, I'm so scared. Ted: Look, maybe we should skip Michael's party. Emmett: No! No, I don't wanna spoil his day. Ted: Are you sure? Emmett: Yeah, yeah. I take my line up, thanks. Please, don't tell him. Ted: OK, but remember the story is, we're picking up Brian and goin' for diner and goin' to Babylon. Emmett: One last dance of death. Ted: Emmett... [Just then, the birthday boy arrives, grumpy as all hell -- grumpier, even.] Emmett: Hey, hey, birthday boy. Michael: f*ck you, I'm goin' to bed! Ted: You can't. We're to pick up Brian and goin' diner to Babylon. Michael: I don't want to see anybody! Emmett: Now, now, Mr.Grumpy Puss. Don't you want gonna go out? Michal: No! I don't wanna go out! Emmett: This is a very special occasion. You know, its a once-in-a-lifetime event. A night of nights. Michael: Yeah, well I plan on sleeping through every miserable minute and you guys can tell me all about tomorrow. Emmett: We need to celebrate. Michael: Celebrate what? That I'm turning into a geezer? That my life is over?! Emmett: Think to what you're gonna look forward to. Michael: Flattuance? Incontinence?... Ted: Oh, for Christ's sake, would you shut up already and come to your goddamn surprise party?! [Mike looks back and forth between the two of them, shocked and pleased.] Emmett: Surprise. [SCENE_BREAK] [Brian's door. As it opens up into complete darkness.] Michael: Hi, we're here and we're ready to go to Babylon! [As T&E gamely smile behind him. Brian takes one look at Mike, and then glares at T&E.] Brian: Assholes. You told him. [He shoves the door open and pulls Mike in. Brian turns on a light. The loft filled with people.] All: Surprise! [Music is on.] Michael: Who are all those people? Brian: Well, if I invited just your friends, it would have been six people here. I had to open it up to s*x partners... Michael: I haven't have slept with any of these peoples! Brian: My s*x partners. Happy birthday, Mikey. [He gives him a nice kiss. That starts a reception line of "happy birthday"s and kisses from Lindsay (who's holding the baby), Melanie, Debbie, and Vic.] Debbie: Exactly thirty years ago my legs were in stripes and my face was like this. [she make a grimace.] [Behind them all, Mike spots David walking across the loft towards him.] Michael: Wow, this really is a surprise party. [David hands Mike's present to Justin, and comes over.] David: Thirty, huh? Michael: Yeah. David: Well, I hope I look as good when I'm your age. [David kisses Mike sweetly, too. Brian, who can only take so much, drags Mike away to go open his presents.] Brian: C'mon, Mikey, you have presents. [At the bar.] Mel: Margarita, no salt. Justin: Right up. Mel: Hey, how do you know how to mix drinks? Justin: I'm from the gentile country-club set. [The camera zooms over to Mike and Brian, who gather everyone around to watch Mikey open his presents.] Michael: Oh my god! An Easy-Cake Oven. I always want one of those. Thanks, Em. I love it. Emmett: Happy birthday, sweety. [Ted chortles as Mike opens his gift -- a g-string shaped like an elephant.] Ted: Oh, that's mine. Go open it. [Ted thinks it's hysterical; everyone else is pretty much embarrassed for him.] Ted: [laughs] You're dick were the trunks is. Michael: It is funny. Brian: Moving on. Michael: Who is this one from? David: Oh, that is from me. [It's a really expensive, grown-up, water-resistant watch.] Michael: This is... this is really... Debbie: Expensive. David: I thoughed you hadn't one of these. It's focused on the water proof features. Brian: Hey, Mikey. Someone here is to see you. [As Mike turns around, Brian steps aside to reveal...Captain Astro! The crowd is delighted.] Captain Astro: I heard it was your birthday, so I thought I'd fly by and bring you something special. [He hands Mike a comic book.] Michael: Oh my god, Captain Astro. "Astro Comics #1"? This is the first appearance of Captain Astro in print. Do you know how much it is worth?! Brian: Anything for my best friend. [Mike gives him a big ole hug. David, shown up, sulks in the corner with Debbie.] Michael: I can't believe it. I never though I find it. Brian: So Cap, don't fly away. Stay and boogy with the birthday boy. [he kisses Mikey] Enjoy Mikey. [Justin and Mel drinking some margaritas at the bar. Mikey and Captain Astro boogy on the dancefloor. Besides them a depressed David and Debbie.] Debbie: [to David] It's a beautiful watch, David, and a beautiful thought. David: Thanks. [Brian smiles at Mike and Astro getting down, and shoots a look at David, who drifts away. Debbie, dancing with Vic, glares at Brian. Emmett kisses Lindsay and the baby. HDGBs in grape-covered underwear (no, seriously) gyrate on top of the kitchen counter. Justin and Melanie bond over cigarettes and margaritas. David looks like he's about to go over to Brian and say something, but Brian slowly turns away and leans on a pole on the other side of the loft. ] [Ted finds Brian alone.] Ted: Nice going on the gift. Couldn't have been more perfect... Brian: Thanks. Ted: Yeah, David's present didn't stand a chance. But then again, neither did he. Brian: f*ck off! Ted: You just can't help yourself, can you? You have to make sure that Michael regresses permanently to the age of twelve. He's thirty, for Christ's sake, Brian. Don't you think it's time you let him go? Brian: Well, I'll tell you what. I will if you will. Ted: What? Brian: Tell him that you've been in love with him for years. Ted: What are you talking about? Brian: You know what I mean!The boys saw your pictures. They saw your little shrine to Mikey when you're in your coma. Of course, I always knew. So, like I said, you let him go and so will I. Ladies first. [Emmett and Vic schmooze over drinks.] Vic: Is this candy or drugs? Emmett: Candy. [Vic drops it in his drink.] Vic: You'd think with all the pills that I take that I'd know. Emmett: So how are you feeling? Vic: Fit as a fiddle and ready for love. Why do you ask? [Vic gracefully stumbles away to find the best view of the nearest fruit-loined HDGB. Emmett sits next to him on the couch.] Vic: Listen, why are you so interested in me all the time? Emmett: I just wondering. Vic: Bullshit. You boys never talk to anyone over forty unless you have to. Emmett: I think I have it. Vic: 'It' doesn't mean what it used to... Emmett: What they said is that people still... Vic: Die, all the time. But they die from other things, too. You can think about that. Emmett: I just can't believe this is happening to me. I mean I'm not promiscuous. Vic: Let me tell you about prmiscuous. 'Promiscuous' is anyone having more s*x than you. Emmett: I thoughed I was been safe. Careful. Vic: s*x isn't careful. If it is, you're doing it wrong. It's messy. And it's human. And it's mixed up with other things. It's a genie that won't stay in the bottle. Listen, Emmett, if you think you made a mistake, move on. And accept it like a man. [Emmett gets up and bolts away, passing David, who appears to be heading for the nearest exit. Gotta cross the dance floor in order to do that, but Mike stops him and they start dancing. Astro walks off the dance floor and off with two guys, who are all about checking out what's under that spandex. The camera circles around the ex-couple.] [The camera circles around the ex-couple until it finds Melanie, crossing the floor behind them. The camera follows Melanie as she walks over to Lindsay and Debbie. Lindsay's breastfeeding the baby.] Debbie: Thirty years ago, I was you. Thirty years from now, you'll be me. Thirty years seems impossible to believe. He's a man, but he still feels as tiny and precious to me as Gus does to you. Lindsay: I can't even imagine... Debbie: Goes by like a dream. So, does anybody breastfeeds these days, huh? Lindsay: Yeah, it creates a real bond. Debbie: I never give that with Michael. But they are pretty f*cking tight. [Behind Lindsay, Melanie -- lit off her ass -- is having trouble with her shoes. Debbie pats Melanie's arm.] Debbie: [to Mel] Sorry honey, are you feeling left out? Mel: Me, left out? Not with what it's costing me a month. Lindsay: You know, they say sometimes the non-birth mother lactates as well. Mel: If I did, it would be margaritas. Put some salt around my nipple and take a sip. [She starts drunkenly pawing Lindsay, who tries to pull away and calm her down at the same time.] Lindsay: Mel, please no. Mel: Ooops, I'm being inappropriate. Lindsay is never inappropriate. Debbie: Don't remind me. I would known if appropriate. Mel: Can I give you a little drinky? Drinky? Lindsay: No thanks. You wouldn't have one when you were me. Mel: Hey, I'm not breastfeeding. Ain't my problem. [The camera follows Melanie and then picks up with Emmett, who briefly dances with Mike before moving on. In the back area, he finds Captain Astro getting it on with those two guys, moaning and groaning to beat the band. Emmett runs out of there and into the bathroom. He splashes water on his face, a sea of candles.] Emmett: Please god, please let me be negative. If you do I promise, promise, promise... Mel: [shouts] Is somebody in there? [Melanie interrupts him, pushing him aside so she can yack into the toilet.] [Outside Brian's building, Tracy pushes the intercom button. Vic answers the intercom.] Vic: Come on up. And get your cock out. [At the bar, Ted thoughtfully drinks his beer. On the dance floor, Mike abruptly breaks away from David to go talk to Ted.] Michael: Hey Teddy. Thanks again for the elephant underwear. It's really funny. Ted: Yeah. Right! Michael: No, really. Ted: I bet you weren't expect David here, are you? Michael: Yeah, talk about surprises! Ted: So, you think you might... you know. Michael: I don't... I don't think so. Ted: That's too bad. Say, listen. I know that there's this part of us that thinks that we don't deserve to be loved... Michael: What are you talking about? Ted: Let me finished. So, we fall in love with someone that we know we can't have and who's never going to love us. And, we fantasize about the day when all of a sudden he realizes what he's been missing, and all of our dreams come true. Only, that day never comes, and before you know it, it's your fortieth birthday, it's your fiftieth, and you're still alone. Don't let that happen to you, Michael. Love someone for real. Someone who loves you. [Michael and Ted give each other a big, mutually understanding hug.] [Just then, Mike sees Tracy over Ted's shoulder.] Michael: Oh my god! [Mike bolts across the loft, attempting to head her off at the pass.] Michael: Tracy, what are you doin' here? Tracy: Happy birthday, Mike. Michael: Thanks, it's really wild. They're all a little drunk. I really -- I only know six of them. Tracy: You're friend Brian called me. He ask me to come. Michael: Look, are you hungry? There is this Burgerplace we could diner... Brian: Tracy, I'm sooo happy that you could make it to Mikey's surprise party! Let me introduce you to some of our guests. [Before Mike can say anything, Brian grabs her hand and leads her to the dance floor. Specifically, to David on the dance floor.] Brian: David. David, this is Tracy. Tracy, this is David. David: Tracy yeah, we're met. Tracy: Right. You're Mike's chiropractor. [Brian swings an arm around David's brawny shoulders.] Brian: He's also Mike's boyfriend. Oh excuse me, ex-boyfriend. [Tracy doesn't quite understand what's going on, so Brian continues, right when Mike catches up with them.] Brian: You know, the first time they f*cked, Michael came like, three times. [Michael's eyes widen in horror. David punches Brian in the face. Brian wipes the blood off his mouth.] Brian: Why don't you get your friend Tracy a drink? Looks like she could use one. [Tracy runs out of the loft. Mike shakes his head and takes off after her.] Brian: Don't go yet,Mikey, you even haven't had your cake! Michael: f*ck off! [Tracy runs out, looking for a cab, or a machine gun, or something, Mike hot on her heels.] Michael: Tracy! It's true. David was my boyfriend. Tracy: Do you laugh at me? You and your friends, The Boys, do you laugh at me? Michael: No. No. Tracy: I must be a big joke to you, huh? The girl at work, who has the big crush? She's so funny, because she's so stupid! Michael: It's not like that! I swear! Tracy: You're a liar, Mike! A liar. [Tracy rennt raus und sucht nach einem Taxi oder so. Mike kommt herausgelaufen.] Michael: Tracy! Es ist wahr. David war mein Freund. Tracy: Hattest du deinen Spaß? Du und deine Freunde, die Jungs, habt ihr über mich gelacht? Michael: Nein. Nein. Tracy: Ich muß ein toller Witz gewesen sein, was? Das Mädchen von der Arbeit, die verliebt in mich war? Sie ist so witzig, weil sie so dumm ist! Michael: So war's nicht! Ich schwöre. Tracy: Du bist ein Lügner, Mike! Ein Lügner. [Meanwhile, back at the party, Brian's sniffing coke in order to make his face feel better. Or just maybe because it's there. Ted, standing next to him, rolls his eyes in disgust. Mike walks up to them, mad as all hell.] Brian: Hey, look what I hooked up for this special occasion. Michael: [to David] I wanna get out of here. How about you? David: Sure. [Justin holds up the comic book.] Justin: You forget this. Michael: I don't want it. [Mike then stomps up to Brian.] Michael: [to Brian] Thanks for the party(!) [Brian watches him go, turning back just in time for Ted to walk up.] Ted: Well, Brian, you really know how to throw a birthday bash. Emmett: Too bad all good things must come to an end. [Then Melanie weaves up to Brian.] Mel: Well, well, well. Is anyone surprised? Look at the way he treats people. Am I right? Is there anyone here tonight who hasn't been f*cked by Brian Kinney in one way or another? Vic: Well, what do you know? Now Michael has been, too. Debbie: So you finally gave him what he wanted? Good for you! [Brian wearily shakes his head. But the anti-reception line isn't over yet; it's Lindsay's turn.] Lindsay: How could you have done it to him, Brian? Your best friend in the whole world. Brian: [to Justin] Well? Aren't you going to make your big exit, too? Justin: No. You're going to need someone to help you clean up this mess. [Michael and David are in David's living room.] David: Come in and take up some things. Relax. Michael: Thanks. David: Would you like some drink? Michael: You know, I think I had enough. It was some party, huh? David: It had its moments. Michael: Like when you punched him! David: He deserved it. Michael: He deserve worse. David: I don't want talk about him right now. Michael: I'm missed you. David: Have you? Michael: Yeah, I have. [Then Michael kisses him. But he has to stand on his tiptoes, in his sneakers. David push him away.] David: I'm...I'm... I'm not sure what's happening right now. Michael: I wanna take up your offer, to live together. I want to give it a shot. David: I'm not a consolation prize. Michael: I know that. You're first prize. David: You sure? Michael: I'm thirty. It's time I settled down and took on some responsibility. David: Now you're making me sound like life insurance. Michael: Well, in a way, you are. Do you still love me? Because, I love you. [They kiss each other.] [Next morning, back at the loft, Brian walks into the living room and finds Debbie picking up Mike's presents. Justin's passed out on the bed -- fully clothed.] Debbie: He asked me to pick up the stuff he left. Hey sunshine! You got some tables to buzz. Justin: I don't feel sick. Margaritas are definitely my drink. Brian: Get up! [Justin scampers into the bathroom. Brian swigs out of a bottle of scotch.] Brian: [sheepishly] You want some coffee? Debbie: No, thanks. [Hands on hips.] Christ, I was pissed at you last night. Everybody was, is. But right in the middle of my cussing you out, I finally figured it out. You can't do anything quietly, can you? Everything's got to be a spectacle, a drama. You couldn't have pushed him softly. You had to shove him off a f*cking cliff. Brian: Yeah, I had to. Otherwise, he would have followed me around forever. Debbie: Yeah, I guess he will have. Justin! Justin: [from the bath] I'm brushing my teeth! Debbie: You loaned him your toothbrush? Brian: I have a supply. It was the only way. Debbie: This David, he is good for him. Brian: Yeah, that won't last. Debbie: Maybe not, but he should last give it a try. Brian: So, how's he doin'? Debbie: Try to figured out why his best friend would betray him. But he doesn't realize that it's the best thing that could ever happen. That you did him a favor. That maybe now he can finally have a chance to have a life. [Justin walks out of the bedroom.] Justin: OK, I'm ready to go. [Debbie hugs and kisses Brian.] Debbie: You take care, kiddo. Thank you. [The clinic. Emmett can't sit still, and Ted can't do anything to make him sit still. Cute Medic Guy approaches them.] Doctor: Hi. Emmett: Yeah, yeah. Let's skip the small talk. We're waiting for an hour. Ted: An hour and a half. Emmett: Just... just give it to me straight. Doctor: Oh the message I left for you friday. Emmett: Yeah. Doctor: Well, here is the situation. Emmett: OK, spare me that you know warming-up, letting down, easy speech. Just tell me. Doctor: You're check bounced. Emmett: What? Doctor: You're check bounced. Insuppician founds. Ted: Perfect. How much? Doctor: Sixty. Ted: Here. [to Emmett] You're payin' me back. Emmett: OK, who gives a sh1t about sixty bucks, I'll leave it to you in my will, can I have my test results, please? Doctor: You're fine. Congratulations. [Emmett starting crying] Emmett: Oh my god. Ted: I told you. Doctor: So, uh, how would you like to celebrate? Emmett: You know? I'm sorry, I can't. I'm busy. Doctor: OK, well, see you around, guys. Have a nice day. [The doc leaves them alone.] Ted: He's cute. If you don't want him, I'll take him. Emmett: You can have him. I made a promise to God. Ted: Promise to God? What promise to God? Emmett: I prayed and told god, that if I would negative I would never have s*x with another man. And I'm negative. So, I can never touch a man again. Ted: Uh-huh. [Back at the loft, Brian lies on the floor with the botttle of scotch. He flips through the Captain Astro comic he gave Mike, and as the camera pulls away across the floor, we see these big mural-size pictures stuck to the wall for the party: Mike at different ages, Mike and Brian together and laughing, Mike and Brian, Brian and Mike, as David Bowie's plays When your a Boy.]
Plan: A: Michael; Q: Who ends the relationship with Dr. David? A: Emmett; Q: Who makes a pact with God? A: HIV; Q: What do Ted and Emmett get tested for? A: Brian; Q: Who throws Michael a surprise 30th birthday party? Summary: Michael ends the relationship with Dr. David; Ted and Emmett get tested for HIV; Brian throws Michael a surprise 30th birthday party and outs Michael to his co-worker; Emmett makes a pact with God.
"Mummy in the Maze" [SCENE_BREAK] Teaser Ext. roadside halloween maze - day It's Halloween, and many kids have gathered around this maze dressed up in an assortment of costumes. The camera pans around a number of people as the host exclaims the rules of the game. host Come, my brave children, to the hideous Halloween maze. Avoid the creepies and the crawlies that live in every dark corner of the maze. And the first one to reach the centre and emerge alive will win the grand prize. AHA! A pistol is shot, declaring the beginning of the race, as the children break through the starting line and push past each other into the maze. The maze is covered with traps and dead ends. As the kids run around, the camera follows one boy, MATTY, a heavy-set boy dressed as a fuzzy bear. Matty is clearly lost and frightened as he runs around aimlessly in the maze. Matty comes across the hanging skeleton, scared by it turns in the other direction. Matty runs into the large witch at the intersection and he turns, once more, scared. Through the tunnels of the maze, you can see other children running about, trying to get to the centre. Matty whimpers and looks around, scared. Matty: Where am I? Matty looks down one of the pathways of the maze, and there sits a skeleton in an electric chair indicating a dead end. A woman dressed in a cat costume lunges out at Matty and scares him. Matty stands in front of the large black witch. Matty (CONT'D): I'm lost! Somebody help me! Matty begins to run. A GRIM REAPER jumps out at Matty. Matty screams and begins to run again. Matty runs passed the noose. The bottom half of a hanging mummy can be seen quickly. Matty comes face to face with the mummy. CLOSE ON The mummy's face. A spider crawls out of the eye socket. BACK TO SCENE Matty begins screaming. The spider falls on his nose. Matty faints. Ext. Halloween maze - night The maze is all lit up with hanging ornament lights. Sirens wail in the background, as witnesses are being interviewed. DR. POTOSKA leads BRENNAN and BOOTH into the maze. Potoska: Right this way, miss. Booth admires the costumes. Booth: Now, that's an excellent costume. What are you wearing? Brennan: What? Now? Booth: No, not now. At the Jeffersonian's Halloween Ball. Int. halloween maze - night Booth and Brennan followed Dr. Potoska. Brennan: What I always wear. Are you going this year? Booth: I'm the official unofficial FBI liaison to the Jeffersonian. Of course I'm going. Dr. Potoska notes the wolfman. Potoska walkies another officer. Potoska: We just passed the wolfman. Deputy (o.s.): Go straight towards the guillotine and veer left. Potoska turns to look at Booth and Brennan. Potoska: It's a maze. What can I do? Booth, Brennan and Potoska continue through the maze. Brennan: Dr. Potoska, how were the remains discovered? Potoska: A kid passed out. Brennan: What killed him? Potoska: Oh, the kid didn't die. He just fainted. Brennan: Then why am I here? They walk past a hanging skeleton. Potoska: Well, when Matty fainted, I was here with my own kids. I'm a pediatrician, but I'm also the coroner. Booth: Small town. They continue to walk through the maze. As Potoska begins, and continues to talk, Booth gets separated momentarily from Brennan and Potoska. Potoska: Yeah, well, Matty revived easily enough. Uh, he's what you call a nervous-type kid. But then I saw what it was that made him faint in the first place and I almost fainted too, because it was a mummy, which I told the sheriff, who called the FBI, who called the Jeffersonian. And now here we are, lost in this stupid maze looking for the mummy. Booth reappears and joins Brennan and Potoska. Booth: A mummy? Potoska (in walkie) Yeah, I do not see a guillotine. Potoska looks at a scarecrow wearing a cowboy hat. Potoska (CONT'D): What would you call that? Brennan: A cowboy? Booth: No, it's a scarecrow. Deputy (o.S.): Look, just keep turning to the right, all right? Let me know when you reach the dragon. The trio turn, and are greeted by a red and green monkey face with big white teeth. Potoska (to walkie): Dead end, with teeth. Deputy (o.S.): That's because you turned left at the globin. You were supposed to turn right. Potoska turns around. Booth: Look, when you say a mummy? You mean... ? Potoska: Wrapped in bandages, curse of King Tut. You know, a mummy. Brennan: No offense, but I'm not certain a pediatrician is qualified. Potoska: Pediatrician AND coroner. See that? Yeah. They stand in front of the electric chair. Potoska (CONT'D): (in walkie) Okay, we are at the electric chair. Deputy: There's an electric chair? Booth: Look, just tell the guy to throw his flashlight up in the air, will ya? Potoska: The FBI requests that you toss your flashlight into the air. The DEPUTY is with the mummy. Deputy: Ten-four. The Deputy tosses his flashlight into the air. Booth sees it. Booth: Ah! There it is. Potoska: Oh, let's see if we can get there this way. Potoska begins to walk in the opposite direction. Brennan follows him. Booth stops them both. Booth: Guys? They stop to turn and look at him. Booth turns around and knocks down the haystack wall. The Deputy stands on the other side of the now fallen wall. The Deputy stands next to the mummy. Booth climbs over the fallen hay bundles. Potoska (to Brennan): After you. Booth stumbles on the bales of hay, regains his balance and breaths in. He looks up and sees the mummy. Booth: Oh! Brennan and Potoska follow Booth and climb over the fallen hay bundles. Booth (CONT'D): What do you think, Bones? Brennan examines at the mummy. Brennan: Well, ocular contents dry, ramus collapsed, leathery skin. These are actual human remains. Potoska: A mummy. Brennan: How long will it take to get out of this maze? Booth: Not as long as you might think. Booth takes out his car keys and holds them up. Booth presses a button and his car alarm chirps. Booth turns around and knocks down the nearby hay wall. Booth's SUV is right on the opposite side of the now demolished wall. Booth climbs over the fallen hay bundlers and looks back to Brennan and lifts his arms with a look on his face that says 'it was that easy.' End of teaser Act I INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB / EXAMINATION TABLE CAM and ZACK examine the mummified remains. HODGINS, currently offscreen, is also on the platform. Cam: It takes a steady flow of dry air over a long period of time to achieve this kind of desiccated mummification. Zack: The Incan Ice Woman of Peru, the Tarim Basin mummies of China, the peat bog Tollund Man in Denmark. Zack turns to look at the x-rays up on the screen. HODGINS sits at a desk, his feet up, and a pumpkin full of candy in his lap. Hodgins is sucking on a lollipop. Hodgins: How old are we talking? Zack: Buttons, zipper, rivets. She's probably wearing jeans. Hodgins: So, freakazoid murder-mummification rather than fascinating history? Cam: She? Zack: Shape of the innominate bone indicates female. Cam: Now listen, boys. The Jeffersonian Halloween party, it's compulsory. Donors, patrons, angels, benefactors. So we all show up in costume and do our duty. Hodgins is about to say something but Cam silences him with a finger. Cam (CONT'D): I don't want any argument on this. Zack: I will be the back end of a cow. Hodgins: So, now costume? Zack: Naomi, from Paleontology, has agreed to be my front. Cam begins to cut the dressings from the mummy. Hodgins: Oh, so many jokes, so little time. Cam shakes her head as she smiles. Hodgins (CONT'D): It's fine. We're all in. I'll be Edward John Smith for Halloween. Cam looks up to Hodgins with a look of confusion on her face as she frowns. Zack notices. Zack: Ill-fated captain of the Titanic. Cam: What about Angela and Brennan? Zack: Dr. Brennan always wears the same costume to this things. She loves it. Cam: Help me remove these. Cam and Hodgins slowly pull the dressings apart. Hodgins: What's with the smell? Cam: Cedar oil? Zack: Also used in mummification. Cam: What about this clear coating over the skin? Hodgins: Lacquer? Cam: She was painted to death? Hodgins: The clothing came from a church-run thrift store. Cam: How could you possibly know that? Zack: There is no bug or slime specific to church thrift stores. Hodgins: You don't know that. I'm the bug and slime guy. You're just the auxiliary bone guy who dresses up like the back end of a cow. Cam: Hodgins? Hodgins sighs, and rips off the label on the clothing and holds it up for Cam to read. Cam (CONT'D): Free Church of America Thrift Store, huh? Tell Booth. Zack: I knew it wasn't bugs or slime. Hodgins: No, you didn't! And that's what makes me, King of the Lab! Cam glares at Hodgins. Hodgins (CONT'D): A loyal servant of the Empress. Hodgins nods respectively towards Cam. Cam smiles with content. Zack looks from Cam to Hodgins, raising an eyebrow. Int. Free church of american / thrift store - day Booth and Brennan walk among the clothing racks at the thrift store while talking with PASTOR BILL JONAS. Pastor: Clothes from this ministry were found on a dead body? Well, I'm afraid that happens fairly often. Brennan: Why? Pastor: Because we're a charitable congregation. Homeless people know that we'll provide them with what they need. Pastor: Jonas puts down the painting he was carrying as Brennan opens the case file and shows him photographs. Brennan: Do you, by any chance, remember these specific pieces of clothing? Pastor: This is from your murder victim? Brennan (nods) Mm-hmm. A TEENAGE BOY wearing a long black trench coat interrupts them. Boy: Jonas? Do you have anything like this in red? Pastor: You're looking for something that screams "Satan," right? Boy: Basically. Pastor: I think we have a pink cape in the back. Maybe we can dye it. The boy leaves. Booth: What kind of church dresses kids like Satanists? Pastor: Let me show you. At Halloween we do a Hell House. Fornication, theft, murder, gambling, usury, sodomy, abortion. The pastor shows them a miniature of the Hell House. Brennan: It's kind of horrific, isn't it? Pastor: Well, abandoning the path of righteousness is horrific, Dr. Brennan. This is our way of remaking a pagan holiday, Halloween, into a positive celebration of Christian values. (to girl) Excellent prostitute, Stephanie. A GIRL, dressed provocatively, walks by them and smiles. Stephanie: Hey. Booth: Anyone ever dress like a mummy? Pastor: We've never featured a "false idol" room, though, now that you mention it, it's not a bad idea. Brennan: Ancient Egyptian religious beliefs endured for almost 4,000 years, twice the length of Christianity. Booth: Look, any of your kids suddenly disappear? Pastor: No. Brennan: What if the children that you save from abortion grow up to be usurers and sodomites? Pastor: I don't respond to mocking semantics, Dr. Brennan. Booth: Nor do I, but she's serious. Pastor: In that case, my serious answer would be that in being given a chance to live a life, the aborted soul will have a multitude of opportunities to repent for their sins and live bathed in the Holy Spirit. Brennan nods. Brennan: Thank you. Booth: (surprised) Thank you? Brennan looks to Booth. Pastor (O.s.): You're welcome. Int. Royal diner - day ANGELA and Hodgins sit across the table from a red-headed woman named AMBER KIPPLER. Amber: My name is Amber Kippler. I'm a senior investigator with Doyley Private Investigations. Hodgins: Mr. Doyley assured me he'd be taking a personal interest in the search for Ms. Montenegro's husband. Amber: Interest, yes. But I'll be doing the actual footwork. Mr. Doyley is taking a very personal interest, only not from up close. Angela: Do you have a lot of experience at this kind of work? Amber: Angela Montenegro is not your birth name. You changed your name on your 18th birthday because it came to you in a dream. Angela's jaw drops. Angela: Um... Hodgins' eyes widen as he looks at Angela. Hodgins: You never told me that. Angela: I never told anybody that. Amber: If I can discover something nobody knew about a client I'm not being paid to investigate, imagine what I can do for real. Hodgins: Good point. Angela: (insisting) I never told anybody about that. Amber: Yes, you did, actually. A girl named Roxie whose heart you broke in second year art school. Angela: Oh... (smiles) Roxie. Angela chuckles. Hodgins: Wow! (to Amber) What do you know about me? Amber: Wouldn't it be better if we got to Ms. Montenegro's husband, Grayson "Birimbau" Barasa? Hodgins: You found something? Amber: I found the actual human man-in Florida, in the Keys. No Name Key, very remote. Angela: Did you talk to him? Amber: Absolutely not. Hodgins: Why? Amber: My instructions were to locate. That being achieved, we can now discuss contact. Hodgins: We want you to contact him. Angela: And get him to sign the divorce papers. Amber: By "get him" do you mean... Amber looks at Hodgins and Angela. Angela and Hodgins look at her as if insisting the rest of the sentence. Amber (CONT'D): ...force him to sign them? Hodgins: If necessary, do you have a gun? Angela: Or just remind him of who I am and ask him politely. Hodgins: What are you? Canadian? Amber: We'll do this one step at a time. Ext. road - day Booth's SUV is cruising down the road. Booth (O.S.): Didn't that pastor guy make you mad? Brennan: No. INT. BOOTH'S SUV - day Booth He's a fundamentalist. Brennan: I appreciate consistency. Booth: Oh what, the consistency of trying to scare kids into Christianity? Brennan: How do we keep kids from smoking? We tell them it gives them cancer. Booth: It does give them cancer. Brennan: According to science. Booth: You know, that's all you care about is science. Brennan: In the end, even someone who believes in empiricism and science has to take a leap of faith. Booth: What? Brennan: I believe in what I can hear, taste, see, touch and measure. You believe in what you feel. Pastor Jonas believes that God speaks to him through a sacred book. Booth's cell phone rings. Booth: Yeah, well, I feel like we're on the wrong side of the argument here. Booth checks his phone. Booth (CONT'D): Oh, it's Cam. Booth puts Cam on speakerphone. Booth (CONT'D): (to Cam) What's up? Cam (O.S.): I really need you to come back. Int. Medico-legal lab / outside brennan's office - day Cam is on the phone and walking. Cam: I got a couple here, says they think the mummy in the maze is their daughter. Booth: Oh, that'd save us some time on identification. Cam: Their daughter only disappeared last week. Brennan: The remains we found were at least a year old. Cam: Look, I'm great with corpses, but when it comes to loved ones, let's just say there's a reason why I'm not a pediatrician. So if you got a siren, turn it on. Booth: Right. Booth hangs up. Cam turns around to look at the couple in Brennan's office. Int. Medico-legal lab / Brennan's Office - day Booth and Brennan are talking to Megan Shaw's parents, DON SHAW and MARGIE SHAW. CLOSE ON Photo of a red-haired teenager. Don Shaw (o.S.): Megan is fourteen. She didn't run away. Margie Shaw (O.s.): Something terrible happened. Booth: She's a very pretty girl. Brennan: What makes you think the remains we found are your daughter? Margie Shaw: The news said that you found the body of a teenage girl in a fun house. I suddenly knew it was Megan. Brennan: Suddenly knew? Booth: Mr. and Mrs. Shaw, it wasn't a fun house. It was a maze. Brennan: And the remains we found are more than a year old. Margie Shaw: You're certain? Brennan: Yes. Don Shaw: Oh, I see. Angela knocks on the glass pane, gesturing that she wishes to talk with Booth. Booth: I'm sorry. Excuse me. Brennan: I don't understand why you're disappointed. Your daughter might still be alive. Margie Shaw: (her voice breaking) Megan is not still alive. Angela hands Booth the sketch. Brennan: How are you so certain? Margie Shaw: I just am. I can't explain it. I'm her mother. Booth takes a seat next to Margie and Don. Booth shows them Angela's sketch. Booth: I'm sorry. Does this face mean anything to you? Don Shaw: No. Margie Shaw: Does she have something to do with Megan? Booth: This is the girl that we found in the maze. Brennan's phone rings. Don Shaw: Definitely not Megan. Margie begins to cry. Brennan answers her phone. Brennan: Yes? Int. Medico-legal lab / cam's office Cam Dr. Brennan, another mummy has been found at Shoreline Amusement Park. Brennan turns and looks at Booth. Ext. Shoreline amusement park - night Brennan and Booth quickly make their way through the park. Brennan: Perhaps the fact that Megan Shaw disappeared from here and there's another mummy here is a coincidence. Booth: Fact, Bones, there are no coincidences in a murder investigation. Booth flashes his badge to the officer who points them towards the Dungeon of 1000 Corpses. Brennan: You do know the strict definition of a fact, right? It's not the same as a funny feeling. Booth: Just because somebody says they saw a mummy doesn't mean they actually did. Booth and Brennan walk up to a BREATHLESS WOMAN sitting on a gurney accompanied by an EMT, PETE GELLER. Breathless Woman: I know what I saw. Geller: Keep the mask on, please, ma'am. Brennan: What's wrong with her? Geller: Anxiety attack. Brought on by this dungeon here. I spend half my time on these calls. Brennan: (to the woman) You know it's not real, right? You're overreacting to an excessive amount of stimuli. Geller: Keep the mask in place, ma'am. Brennan: Plus, you should lose some weight. Geller (to Brennan): Um, ma'am? Booth: Bones, a little compassion. Breathless woman: I'm not overreacting. There's a dead body in there! Geller: A thousand of them, to be exact. Geller turns and motions to the sign. Close on Sign that indicates DUNGEON OF A 1000 CORPSES BACK TO SCENE Breathless woman There's a real one. I'm a nurse, trust me! I know a dead body when I see one. Brennan (to Geller): Did you see anything? Geller: Not much time for that. Just went in, got her, got her out. Booth leans in, and pulls the oxygen mask away from the woman so she can speak. Booth: Right. What did you see? Breathless woman: A corpse. Past the killer clown. Booth lets go of the mask, his eyes wide. Booth: (in a higher pitch than usual) Clown? Booth looks at Geller. Geller: You okay? Booth: Yeah. Booth stands up straighter, his posture stiff. Brennan: You sure? Booth: Sure. Brennan: Come on. Brennan heads to entire the dungeon as Booth points to the breathless woman. Booth: Clown. Int. Dungeon of 1000 corpses - night The inside of the dungeon has lights flashing, and a background sound of shrill screams. Booth walks in and stops when he sees the killer clown. The clown has wrinkly skin, and long sharp teeth. Brennan enters behind him. Brennan: What's wrong? Booth jumps and squeals. He pulls out his phone. Booth: Um... the phone rang. It's Cam on the phone. It's ringing. Brennan: Coulrophobia. Booth: Euh? Brennan: The fear of clowns. Coulrophobia. May explain why you shot that clown last year. Booth: Look, I have no problems with clowns. I can stand right here. See? Brennan: Uh-huh... Booth answers the call. Booth: On the phone. (brings the phone to his ear) Booth. Int. Medico-legal lab / cam's office Cam is on the phone with Booth. Cam: We got an ID on our maze victim off of Angela's sketch. Booth: Great. Uh, details to follow. Booth pulls the phone away from his ear, except Cam continues. Cam: I think you want to hear this now. Name's Stella Higgins, fifteen years old, disappeared a year ago today. Brennan: What's she saying? While on the phone, Booth is obviously uncomfortable with the clown. Booth keeps looking back to it as if expecting it to come alive. Booth: (to Brennan) ID and date of disappearance of our maze victim. Cam: Stella was last seen at Shoreline Amusement Park. Booth: Wow! Brennan: What wow? Booth: More coincidences. (to Cam) Uh.. Thanks! Booth hangs up the phone. Booth (CONT'D): The maze victim disappeared from here. So we just go right past the clown. I can walk right past the clown, like she said. Just right... Booth begins to walk past the clown, just as he is facing the clown, the clown begins to rotate and the clown's arm nearly touches Booth. Booth dodges the clown's arm as he lets out a scream. Booth and Brennan continue through the dungeon. Brennan: Torture dungeon. Brennan imitates the "evil laughter" coming from the speakers. Booth: Yeah, okay. Clown, scary. Not you. Booth and Brennan enter the torture chamber and begin to look through the various dummy corpses. Booth scoffs. Booth (CONT'D): Oh, gee! You're kidding me, right? Booth points to a mannequin strapped to a torture chair. Booth (CONT'D): Look at the eye, uh? It's a Ping-Pong ball. Brennan walks up to a pile of corpses, and looks at one in particular. Brennan: Not this one. Booth: How do you know? Brennan: Human remains, Booth, it's sort of my speciality. This is a dead person. End of act I Act II Int. Medico-legal lab / examination area Zack is examining the most recent victim when Cam walks across the platform towards him. Cam: Okay, the first thing Booth needs to know is if this is Megan Shaw. Zack: It is not Megan Shaw. Cam: I agree. It would be impossible to mummify a body like this in just a little more than a week. Zack: Dental records do not match. Zack begins to examine the victim's hand. Cam: Lacquer and cedar oil. Looks like the same murderer. Zack: That's leaping to a conclusion. Cam: I said looks like, Zack. Looks like is not leaping. Zack: Her phalanges, fingers, are broken. Metacarpals... cracked. Cam: You've seen something like this before? Zack: In Iraq, there were some remains. They'd been buried alive. Cam: This person was buried alive? Zack: (hesitantly) I'm not comfortable... Cam: It looks like this person was buried alive, correct? Angela interrupts them. She puts up a picture of a dark haired girl with a tattoo. She clips a second picture up underneath it, of a bird tattoo. Angela: The tattoo on the second victim's shoulder matches that of Judith Suzanne Evans. Sixteen when she went missing. Cam: How long ago? Angela: Two years, almost to the day. Cam: From? Angela: Shoreline Amusement Park. She was there with her big sister and a couple of her friends. Hodgins walks in holding a case file. Hodgins: Skin and hair removed from beneath Stella's fingernails turns out to be her own. Also, the lacquer used on both victims is completely generic. It's widely available. Zack: She pulled out her own hair? Angela: What makes somebody do that? Cam turns around and fiddles with the computer. Cam: There are small puncture marks, hundreds of them, all over her body. Like insect bites, but larger. CLOSE ON Computer screen; zoomed onto the victim's skin. Small puncture marks can be seen all over. BACK TO SCENE Hodgins In both cases, the lacquer was infused with a number of particulates including a spore I'm trying to identify. Cam addresses Zack. Cam: Are you ready to admit that it looks like both these girls were killed and mummified by the same person? Zack: I'm not prepared to... Cam/Angela/Hodgins: ... jump to that conclusion? Zack nods in agreement. Ext. Shoreline amusement park / dungeon of a 1000 corpses - night Booth gathered all the employees of the Dungeon and the manager. Among the employees there's a man wearing the same grim reaper costume from the maze. Manager: Come on. You expect me to know when one body appeared in a pile of bodies? That's not reasonable. Booth: An actual genuine corpse appears, and you don't notice? Manager: The place is called Dungeon of a 1000 Corpses. Booth: Which is why an entire FBI forensics team is sweeping this facility. The camera pans over a GOTH GIRL with several piercings named LOLA. Lola: This hole counts as a facility? Booth notices the grim reaper. Booth: I know you. Grim Reaper: No. Booth: Yeah. You were at the maze the other night. Same costume. Grim Reaper: Oh... yeah. Booth: Yeah. You're just recalling that, huh? What's your name? Grim Reaper: Gregg. Booth: Little hint. FBI asks for your name, you give the whole name. Manager: His name's Gregg Liscombe. He's worked here three years. You're not supposed to wear the costume to other gigs, dude. Dilutes the effect. An FBI forensic tech arrives. Forensic Tech: All the other bodies are fakes, Agent Booth. Booth: Okay, we'll just keep the entire fun house as a crime scene. Forensic Tech: Yes, sir. The FBI forensic tech leaves. Manager: In that case, can I send my people home? Booth: Oh, no, all your people have got to talk to my people. (to Gregg) And you're coming with me. Gregg: Why? Booth: Two places with dead bodies, and you're standing in the doorway dressed as the Grim Reaper. Gregg: It's my job, man. It's not like I adopt the persona. Lola: Don't say anything without a lawyer, Gregg. Manager: Tell you what else, Gregg's got the keys to the place. Lola: Shut up, Dan! (steps forward) He's got keys, too and so does cleaning crew and park security. Booth: Wow, how about you? You got keys? Lola: I got nothing else to say without a laywer present. Booth: Okay, that's great, pincushion, 'cause you were practically invisible until now. Now you're bucking as number one suspect. Lola rolls her eyes at Booth. Int. Medico-legal lab / EXAMINATION AREA - day Cam, Brennan and Zack are on the platform looking at their latest victim's photograph. The two mummies are on separate tables on the platform. Brennan: Judith Evans, age 16, our victim from the Dungeon of 1,000 Corpses. Zack explains his findings with the help of x-rays. Zack: I've identified stress fractures to both tibias, as well as tears to the medial collateral and anterior cruciate ligaments in both knees. Brennan: Catcher's knee. Cam: There's nothing in the bio about Judith Evans being a baseball player. Zack: Compressions to vertebrae C1 through C7 indicate that her neck was bent like this. Zack demonstrates by showing how her neck must have been bent. Brennan: But forced. Cam: I am not liking the picture that's forming inside my head. Phalanges cracked, and her fingernails shredded, her head forced that way, her knees jammed up against her chest. Do we think Judith Evans was buried alive? Hodgins enters the platform. Hodgins: I... uh... I have... another bad image of how Stella Higgins died. Brennan: Spiders? Hodgins: Tarantulas, to be specific. Cam: Poisonous spiders? Hodgins places a slide under a microscope and brings it up on the computer monitor as he explains. Hodgins: That's a common misconception, though the lack of poison doesn't make the bite any less painful. This is an urticating hair from the Theraphosinae family. Zack: It appears to be barbed. Hodgins: Yeah. It's very irritating. Hey, little-known fact: tarantula hair was the main ingredient in itching powder for decades. Zack: Is there any correlation between these hairs and the fact that Stella Higgins scratched herself so badly, and pulled out her own hair? Cam: She's bitten all over. There had to be dozens of tarantulas on her so, yeah, there's a correlation. Hodgins: I was operating under the assumption that the mysterious spore was transported by the tarantula, but I was wrong. Brennan: How do you know? Hodgins: Because there's no tarantula hairs on Judith Evans, but plenty of the spores and particulates. She has carcinogenic dibenzopyrene isomers, asbestos, polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons, manganese and barium and steel dust. Cam: Which adds up to? Zack: Internal combustion engines. Hodgins: Traffic, except for the steel dust. I have no clue about the steel dust. Cam walks over to the computer while discussing about the tox screens, and brings up both tox screens on the computer monitor for comparison. Cam: Well, Stella's tox results show chloroform, ephedrine, theophylline, clonydine and methamphetamine. Close on Computer screen with the victims tox screens. BACK TO SCENE CAM (CONT'D): Judith's remains show trace evidences of the same compounds, but in different concentrations. Brennan: Ephedrine is synthetic adrenaline. Hodgins: Most of those are heavy stimulants. Zack: Their metabolisms would race. Heart rates would accelerate dangerously. Cam: Spiders, live burial, drug-induced panic... is our murderer literally scaring girls to death? INT. FBI BUREAU / BOOTH'S OFFICE Booth is talking with a young woman. SANDY EVANS, Judith's sister. Sandy: I always felt, somehow, that Judy was still alive, even after two years. It's crazy, huh? Probably guilt, right? For letting my little sister out of my sight? Booth: Look, you can't blame yourself. Sandy: Did my sister suffer? Booth remains silent, not answering the question. Booth: You know, we got the best people in the world figuring out exactly what happened that night. Booth circles his desk, and takes a seat behind it. He goes through the case file. Booth (CONT'D): So, you and your sister went to the amusement park together? Sandy: It's kind of the thing to do on Halloween. My mom made me take her. I didn't want to. I mean, I loved Judy... Booth: But she was your kid sister, pain in the ass. Sandy: She made me take Judy, even though I didn't want to, and Mom never got over that. Booth: How did you and Judy get separated? Sandy: Judy got scared. She didn't want to go in the fun house. Booth: Why? Sandy: There was this huge monster above the door. Judy freaked. She said go ahead, she'd wait outside. Judy was claustrophobic. Booth: How bad? Sandy: Pretty bad. She wigged out when we were driving down. There were six of us jammed in a car. We had to stop and let her out a couple times. Booth: Do you remember if there was a Grim Reaper that night at the entrance? Sandy: Yeah, there was. Booth walks around his desk, sits next to Sandy and shows her Gregg's photo. Booth: Could that be him? Sandy takes the photo of Gregg. Sandy: Yeah. When we came out looking for Judy, he told us she had taken off with some guy. Booth: The police could never confirm that. Int. Fbi bureau / interROGATION ROOM Booth slams a mugshot of Gregg down on the interrogation table. Booth: Registered s*x offender. He was present at two places where the remains of young girls were found. Booth and Brennan are questioning Gregg. Gregg: Coincidence. Brennan: Statistically improbable. Booth: Scientifically improbable but, in the real world, impossible. Brennan: Do you recognize these two girls? Brennan places two photographs, one of Judith Evans, and one of Stella Higgins on the table infront of Gregg. Gregg: Man, every girl that comes in there talks to me. I don't remember them. Brennan: Why does every girl talk to you? Gregg: Cause I'm cute, scary. Booth: Yeah, you do pretty well with the teenage girls, don't you, Gregory? You get them all tingly? Gregg: All right, that s*x offender thing? It's a joke, man. Look it up. I got drunk, and I took a leak in a public fountain. Brennan: Yeah, we did look it up. There was a group of school girls on the other side of that fountain. Booth: Four times, you've been caught with your pants down, all around teenage girls. Coincidence? (points to Judith Evans photograph) Two years ago, you told this girl's sister that she took off with some guy. Brennan: Do you remember her? Gregg: Yeah, sure. It's the girl that disappeared. Booth: The thing about you guys, you're all the same. You sniff each other out. Who was the guy? Gregg doesn't say anything. Brennan: Judith Evans disappeared October 24th, two years ago. Stella Higgins, one year ago, a week before Halloween. Gregg: So? Brennan adds a third photo, Megan Shaw. Brennan: So, Megan Shaw vanished from the same place. Booth: You can see the common element here, can't you, Gregg? You. Gregg: Coincidence. Brennan: There are no coincidences in a murder investigation. Gregg: Well, it's got nothing to do with me. Booth slaps Gregg up the side of the head. Gregg (CONT'D): Ow! Geez, you can't... Did you see that? Brennan doesn't stop Booth from slapping Gregg upside the head again. Booth grabs Gregg by the shoulder and forces him to look at the photographs. Booth: Hey! Megan Shaw was 14 years old. Understand me? Who was the guy? Brennan looks at Booth, then slaps Gregg. Booth (CONT'D): Good shot, Bones. Brennan: (smiles) Thanks. Gregg: There was no guy! It was Lola. Booth: Lola? The girl with the piercings? Gregg: Yeah. Booth: What the hell were you doing with her? Gregg: It's not what you think. The girls come with me, maybe we get it on a little. Lola likes that. Brennan: Your girlfriend likes to see you with little girls? Gregg: She likes to interrupt. You know, maybe smack them around a little. Booth: Smack around? Gregg: Yeah. It gets Lola hot, for us, for later. Sometimes, maybe she goes a little too far. Booth and Brennan exchange a look. End of act II [SCENE_BREAK] Act III Int. Medico-legal lab / angelA'S OFFICE Angela and Hodgins follow Amber Kippler into Angela's office. Hodgins: How did you get to and from a remote, nameless Florida key so fast? Amber: It does have a name. Its name is No Name Key. Your confusion is natural. Amber takes a seat on one of the couch. Hodgins and Angela sit opposite of her. Angela: Uh, did you talk to my husband? Amber: Mr. Barasa was very pleasant, very pleasant. I mean, wow! He smelled exactly like a fresh wind just after a summer storm. Hodgins: You smelled him? Amber: Part of the private investigator credo, Dr. Hodgins, insure that the client, that's you. Amber looks to Angela. Angela: ... and him. Angela motions to Hodgins. Hodgins: I'm paying. Amber: The credo says make sure the client is committed to their objective at each step, ergo, fresh wind after summer storm reminder. Angela: Despite the storm, I want a divorce. Amber: In that case, the news is disappointing. Mr. Barasa was nice, but adamant, no divorce. Hodgins: Was it because he doesn't remember getting married? Amber: Mr. Barasa totally remembers everything. He built this for you. Amber pulls a folder out of her briefcase, and hands Angela a photograph. Amber (CONT'D): A house. Hodgins looks from Amber to Angela. He leans back and looks at the photograph. Hodgins: A shack! Amber: A whimsical cottage. Angela: It's darling. He built a house? For me? Hodgins: Okay, let's be honest. It's a shanty. Amber: Here's what Mr. Barasa said 100% verbatim, word for word. Hodgins: Verbatim means word for word. Amber: What? Hodgins: You sort of said it twice. Angela: Hodgins. Amber: I quote literally to the letter, Ever has it been that love does not know its own depth until the pain of separation? Hodgins: Wow. The guy writes poetry. Angela: (rolls her eyes) Please. Amber: He was talking about you, Ms. Montenegro, with tears in his eyes. Angela: He should get a grip. Amber picks up her things, and stands up. Amber: What would you like me to do next? Hodgins: What are you gonna do here, Ange? This guy built you a house. He cried a little bit. Amber: He smelled like a fresh wind after a summer storm, and you can practically see the lights of Havana from the porch of that cottage. Angela stands up and crosses her arms. Angela: I want a divorce. If I'm gonna shack up with anybody, it's this guy. Hodgins stands up, and surpresses a smile. He looks to Amber. Hodgins: We're gonna discuss this between ourselves, Miss Kippler. I'll let you know how we want to proceed. Amber: Okay. Amber begins to leave, but turns around before exiting. AMBER (CONT'D): Did I mention he's the most beautiful man I've ever seen? Don't blame me. PI code: Keep it real. Amber leaves, and Hodgins scoffs. Int. Fbi bureau Booth and Brennan exit Booth's office, and walk past several desks. Booth: That girl Lola gets off on inflicting pain. Brennan: Were you gonna hit her, too? Booth: No, not with a closed fist. Brennan: Why? Booth: Why? That leaves a mark. A SHORT STUBBY MAN walks up to Booth and Brennan. Burns: Agent Booth. Booth: Yeah? BURNs Spoke with the Shaws. Asked if their daughter had any specific phobias. Booth: Yeah? Burns: Snakes. Booth: Snakes. Burns: One crawled up out of the drain of her bathtub when she was a child. So since then... Booth: Okay, that's good. Just call all the pet shops, the reptile specialists... I don't know, the World of Snakes, and see who's been buying 'em all up. Burns stops walking, and then goes back on his tracks to do what Booth instructed him to. Booth and Brennan head towards the elevators. Brennan: Does Lola strike you as a snake person? Booth: Look, I'll deal with Lola. You go back to the lab. Brennan: Why? (presses the elevator button) I won't hit her unless you say so. Booth and Brennan walk into the elevator. Booth: Look, I'll do my street thing, you do your lab thing, all right? (presses the button) Together, we catch bad guys. That's good math. Booth sighs. Brennan gives Booth a sideways glance as the doors shut. Int. Medico-legal lab / EXAMINATION AREA Hodgins, dressed as the Captain of the Titanic, looks through a microscope. Cam, dressed as Catwoman, peers over his shoulder. Cam: The lacquer holds tarantula hairs, your mystery spores and particulates, which suggests heavy traffic. Hodgins: I'm aware of the parameters. I told you all that stuff. Cam: I'm thinking aloud. It's a technique. Brennan walks up to them. She isn't dressed in her costume yet. Brennan: Are you concentrating on the spores? Hodgins looks through his scope, slowly getting annoyed. Hodgins: Yes, I'm looking at them now. Cam: He's aware of the parameters. Brennan: And the unexplained source of the steel dust? Hodgins pries himself away from the scope. Hodgins: What I'd like is to look up from this microscope in about... hm... ten seconds and find myself totally alone and able to concentrate. Cam and Brennan take a couple of steps away from him, and patiently wait. Hodgins resumes his examination through the scope. HODGINS (CONT'D): Oh, not nearly far enough. Not even close. Brennan and Cam move to the far end of the platform. Brennan looks at Cam. Brennan: Is that your costume? Cam: Uh, yeah. Brennan: It's sexually alluring. Cam: Thank you. I'm Catwoman. Brennan looks at her blankly. Cam (CONT'D): ... the superhero. Brennan: Oh! Cam: One of the most powerful female superhero figures. Brennan: (scoffs) I don't think so. Cam: Are you kidding? Catwoman? Brennan: Can you fly? Cam: I have nine lives. Brennan: Super strength, super speed, force people to tell the truth? Cam: I think I'm pretty fast. Brennan: Pretty fast is not super speed. Hodgins walks up to them and rips off his gloves, in doing so interrupts their argument by catching their attention. Hodgins: Hawaii. Cam: Hawaii? Hodgins: The spore is Atronecium from the Haleahi Nebulae. It's a Hawaiian orchid hybrid. Brennan: The victims were mummified in Hawaii? Hodgins: How else would Hawaiian pollen get absorbed into the wet lacquer? Cam nods. Int. Shoreline amusement park / DUNGEON OF 1000 CORPSES - night CLOSE ON Sign : Dungeon of a 1000 Corpses BACK TO SCENE Booth walks up to Lola. Lola is fixing a display. Booth: Lola. Remember me? Booth flashes his badge. Lola: Not one word passes through these lips without a lawyer's okay. Booth: Right, and if you can't afford one, which is my guess, one will be provided. Probably a crappy one who studied law on the Internet. Lola: What do you want? Booth: You attacked both of those two dead girls. Lola: Oh... Did Gregg tell you that? Booth: Yeah, and this one, too. Booth pulls a photo of Megan from his pocket and shows it to Lola. Lola: I didn't kill anyone. Booth: That's right. It was Gregg who forced you to do that. You know what? If you don't tell me what I need to know in two seconds, I'm gonna start removing your piercings and I'm not gonna start with the ones on your face. Lola: Look, I roughed 'em up, all right? Booth: Oh? Lola: That's it! I was gone. I was out of there, man! Why do you think I'm never charged? Booth begins to handcuff Lola. Booth: Yeah, okay. Lola: I'm gone, man! Booth: Just remember, Maryland and Virginia both have the death penalties. Keep that in mind before we find Megan's body. Let's go. Lola: These are really tight, man! Booth escorts Lola out of the Dungeon. Ext. Washington - night Brennan (V.o.): Don't you have to put on your costume? Booth (v.o.): I already did. Int. Medico-legal lab - night Booth holds up a case folder. Booth: I got of the killer from Sweets. Booth is dressed up as a nerd squint. He wears a clean buttoned up shirt, with a Jeffersonian labcoat over top. He has dark thick rimmed glasses with white tape in the middle. BRENNAN (o.s.): You mean Dr. Sweets. ZOOM OUT Booth's complete assemble is finished off by the beige pants that are way to short for him and the ginormous calculator tucked into his belt. Booth: Well, it's only theory, Bones. I mean, it's what he's best at. I mean, he's only twelve. Sweets says the killer is definitely a male. BRENNAN (o.s.): Gregg is a male. Booth: No, Gregg and Lola work their sick little thing together. (reads the file) Sweets says that the killer works alone and has a respectable blue-collar job. In his public life, he's into saving people, he's unmarried. Oh, he has a police or military background. Brennan steps out dressed as Wonder Woman. Brennan: You do realize that Sweets is describing you, right? Booth turns around and sees Brennan. Booth: Wow! Brennan: How do I look? Booth: Good. Wonder-ful. Get it? Brennan: Yeah. Booth: 'Cause you're Wonder Woman. Brennan: I know. What are you supposed to be? Booth: Oh, I'm a nerd squint. Booth leans over, and pushes his glasses up. He pulls out his big calculator and pushes a few buttons. BOOTH (CONT'D): (nasal voice) You see, what is the rationale behind that conclusion? Brennan heads towards the platform. Booth follows. Brennan: That's not what they look or sound like. Booth: (nasal voice) You mean "we." That's not what 'we' look or sound like. Brennan: Okay. Booth: You see what I did right there? I corrected you, you know, in character... (laughs) ... as a squint! Brennan and Booth meet up with Zack. Zack is dressed up as the back end of a cow. Zack: Angela and Hodgins have a few things to show us before we go to the party. Zack stares at Booth. Booth: What? Zack doesn't answer Booth. Brennan and Zack turn and enter Angela's office. BOOTH (CONT'D): What? Int. Medico-legal lab / angela's office / imaging unit - continUOUS CLOSE ON The monitor indicates a location marked by a star. Angela (v.o.): This marks the location of Shoreline Amusement Park. Blinking yellow triangles appear on the map ANGELA (CONT'D): These are the locations of three pet shops the FBI says sold out of snakes in the last week. Angela is dressed up as Cher with a large shimmering, feathery, black headgear. She's clad in skimpy black outfit. She explains her findings to Cam, Zack, Brennan and Booth. Booth plays with his calculator as he listens. Brennan: How many snakes in total? Angela: Over a hundred. Cam: Let me guess, they all paid cash? Angela: Yep. Cam removes her Catwoman mask. ANGELA (CONT'D): And the last place sold out about an hour ago. Booth: Whoa. An hour ago? Booth takes off his glasses. Brennan: Booth, Megan Shaw is still alive! Booth: Wait a second. Both Gregg Liscombe and Lola are in custody. Sweets was right. They didn't do it. Cam shouts out the door. Cam: Hodgins! (to the others) Hodgins has been isolating locations where the dead girls could have been exposed to the metal particulates he found in the lacquer. Booth: Okay, how many? Cam: One hundred and twenty-six, not including Hawaii. Booth: (shaking his head) No, one hundred and twenty six, that's not good enough. Hodgins walks into Angela's office. Brennan: Megan Shaw's still alive. Hodgins: What do you want me to do? Zack: He wants us to guess. Hodgins: Well, my guess is Hawaii. Cam shakes her head. Cam: Not Hawaii. Booth steps up to Hosgins BOOTH Well guess again, but better. Hodgins: No, sorry. Angela: Booth, they don't guess. Booth: (turns to Angela) Who's they? Cam and Angela both point to Zack, Brennan and Hodgins. cam / angela Them! Booth: Well, that's just stupid. Zack: We do not guess. Booth: You know what? You're a horse's ass. Zack: Cow. I'm a cow. See my udder. Brennan: I need Zack and Hodgins. The rest of you can go to the party. Booth: How can we go to a party when a 14-year-old girl's being tortured to death by snakes? Brennan: People like us can't work at full capacity with people like you constantly interrupting with irrelevancies. Hodgins: (softly) It's true. (to Angela) I love you, but it's true. Angela nods. Cam: Okay, we're out of here. Angela: This is my office. Cam: Let's go, Cher. Cam looks at Angela as she heads for the door. Booth: Okay, well, I'll tell you what. I'll just sit right over here in this chair and I'll wait. Booth sits in a nearby chair. He crosses his arms over his chest. Brennan: Booth, no! Brennan rests her hands on her hips. Booth: Fine. (stands up) I'll wait outside, okay? With this chair. (grabs up the chair) I'll be outside with this chair. Booth walks out of the office with his chair. Once everyone left the room, Hodgins turns to face the others. Booth sits outside the office door. He faces them, intending to wait. Zack is at the computer while Hodgins and Brennan watch over his shoulder. Zack: I'm worried that Naomi from Paleontology will feel strange being only the front half of a cow. Hodgins: She got the good end of that deal. Hodgins takes off his captain hat, as he sets himself infront of a computer. Brennan: Who's stronger, Catwoman or Wonder Woman? Hodgins / Zack: Wonder Woman. Brennan: I concur vehemently. Hodgins: All right, now, ignoring the Hawaiian pollen, these 126 sites represent loci where the necessary concentrations of particulates can be found: underground garages, tunnels, etc. Brennan: Dr. Sweets says we can assume that the murderer works for a living. Hodgins: You want us to go on psychology? Brennan: Let's assume the killer has to get back and forth from his... Zack: In comic books, it's always called a lair. Brennan: ... from his lair in time for his job, sometimes during high traffic hours. Can you remove the sites which make that improbable? Zack: Assuming he needs to sleep. Hodgins: Say, six hours a night. Brennan: Twelve-hour shift. Zack: Leaving six hours for travel and torture. Hodgins: At a maximum of two hours travel time. So, what, remove everything more than a hundred miles away? Zack: Too simplistic. If it's on a highway, it could be up to 120 miles away. Secondary roads, taking traffic patterns into account, less than 50. Depending on the time of day and weather conditions... Brennan: It'll go faster if you do the calculations in your head, Zack, and don't explain it to us. Zack: Thank you. Zack begins to mentally calculate the possibilities. He works on the computer, and then it beeps. He's narrowed it down. Hodgins: How many does that leave? Zack: Thirty-one. Hodgins: No. No way the police can hit all those, not spread thin on Halloween. Brennan: We can narrow it down further. Factor, mummification. Zack: Yes, particulates plus mummification requires... Brennan: A steady, continuous supply of dry air. Hodgins: A large oven with blowers. Brennan: I'd like to assume that the automotive particulates arrived with the blowing air. Hodgins: Heated underground parking lots. Zack: How is that not guessing? Brennan: Einstein referred to such assumptions as acceptable "intuitive leaps." Zack: I acknowledge Einstein as a scientific authority. Zack turns back to the computer to continue his calculations and to factor in the new particulates. Hodgins watches him work. Zack: (CONT'd) (sighs) But he failed us this time. Brennan: The answer is in the anomalies. Hodgins: (mutters) The Hawaiian spore. Brennan: And steel dust. What makes it? Hodgins: Grinding, drilling, abrading. Zack: Scraping, milling. Hodgins: Train wheels. Hodgins looks at Zack and Brennan. Hodgins: (CONT'D) Okay, intuitive leap. When a train turns, it grinds the rails, creates a steel dust. Brennan: Subways which also provide warm, dry air. They're vented. Okay. What we need now are florists who carry Hodgins' Hawaiian flower which are situated directly over subway tracks. Brennan turns to leave. Hodgins: Wow. Hodgins turns to watch Zack, notices Brennan leaving. Hodgins: (CONT'D) (to Brennan) Hey, where you going? Brennan: To get Booth. Call me when you find the florist. Brennan leaves. Hodgins turns to exchange looks with Zack. End of act III Act IV EXT. STREET STOCK - NIGHT Booth's SUV. BOOTH (v.o.): You're sure about this? INT. BOOTH'S SUV - NIGHT Booth is driving. Brennan: Not at all. Booth: Because you guessed. Brennan: But we do not guess. Booth: I think you did. I dare you to put that lasso of truth around you. Brennan: Now you're being completely irrational. This lasso doesn't actually work. These bracelets aren't actually made of Amazonium. They're stainless steel. They can't stop a bullet. Brennan's phone rings. Booth: Oh-kay. She answers it on speakerphone. Brennan: Brennan. Cam (o.s.): Aloha Floral Supply between Friendship Heights and Bethesda. INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB / ANGELA'S OFFICE Angela grabs the phone from Cam. Angela: The store sits right over the Red Line. Brennan: Thank you. She hangs up. Booth is on the radio frequency walkie talkie. Booth: Dispatch, 22-7-0-5. Dispatch (man): Twenty-two 7-0-5, Dispatch. Booth: Twenty-two 7-0-5 requests backup and local units at Aloha Flowers between Friendship Heights and Bethesda. Brennan tugs on his shirt. Booth (CONT'D): Oh. Please be advised that agents are UC dressed as a Squint and Wonder Woman. Dispatch (man): Repeat, 22705. Booth: Just picture a scientist nerd brainiac dweeb, dork, whatever. Brennan: And Wonder Woman. Booth: And Wonder Woman. Dispatch (man): Acknowledge, 227-11. EXT. ROAD - NIGHT Booth's SUV. EXT. ALOHA FLORAL SUPPLY - NIGHT Booth (v.o.): (groans) Aahh. It's closed. Booth pulls the SUV up to the front, and parks it. Booth and Brennan exit the SUV. Booth (CONT'D): Go around the back. They go around the side of the building, and stop at a padlocked vent. Brennan: Dry air. Booth: Subway. Florist. Okay, stand back. Brennan steps back, as Booth shoots the lock. INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Booth and Brennan climb down the ladder into the basement. They look around and come to gate padlocked shut with a gain. Brennan cocks her big gun. Booth: Okay, where did you even find a place to carry that? She pushes him toward the padlocked and chained wire gate door. Brennan: Look, could I please shoot this one? Booth tugs on the chain and the padlock falls off. He opens the gate. They both enter the subway access area. Booth leads. Brennan follows. A train passes near them. Brennan notices an open door off to the side. Brennan (CONT'D): Booth? Brennan walks up the short stairs and enters the room. INT. SUBWAY ACCESS AREA / TORTURE ROOM Inside the room Booth and Brennan come across a worktable, several empty vials and syringes. Brennan smells the table. Brennan: Cedar oil, lacquer. This is where the killer mummified the bodies. Booth looks at the empty vials on the floor. Booth: Ephedrine, other... other drugs. Booth realizes who the murder is. Booth (CONT'D): I know who the murderer is. Brennan: Who? Booth hears footsteps and looks up. Booth: Let's get out of here. Booth rushes out of the room. Brennan follows. INT. SUBWAY ACCESS AREA - NIGHT BOOTH Lola beats up the girls, leaves them bleeding. Who shows up to help? Access to drugs. Brennan: The EMT. Smart. You should wear a lab coat at all times. Booth: Puts them in the back of his ambulance, he knocks them unconscious. A girl's scream can be heard. Booth (CONT'D): Just stay there. Booth reaches for the padlock on the door. It's locked. The girl screams again. Booth (CONT'D) Screams are coming from inside. Brennan: Can I shoot it? Booth: No! Brennan fires at the padlock! The bullet bounces off the lock and hits Booth. He yells, hoping up and down as he clutches his leg. Booth (CONT'D): Yow! Geez! Brennan: Oh! Sorry! Sorry, Booth! Booth: You shot me! Damn it! I said no! Don't shoot! No! Brennan: Are you all right? I think the bullet bounced off my bracelet. Just like Amazonium. Booth: Geez, Bones. Booth clutches his leg. Brennan takes the padlock off and opens the door. The floor is littered with snakes . Brennan screams as she jumps up on the nearby box. Booth (CONT'D): What are you doing? They're not poisonous. Brennan: I know. I know. Booth: Then why don't you come down? Brennan: It seems I'm not completely in control of my actions. Booth turns and offers his back to her. Booth: Just get on my back. Brennan climbs onto his back. Piggy back style. Booth (CONT'D): (groans) Ooh! God, Bones. Booth, with Brennan on his back, enters the room. INT. SUBWAY ACCESS AREA / SNAKE ROOM - NIGHT BOOTH Ow. Megan Shaw is in a far corner, attempting to stay away from the snakes. She's terrified. BOOTH (CONT'D): Megan? Brennan: It's okay. Booth: Can you understand me? Booth and Brennan approach Megan. Megan looks up and screams. Brennan glances over her shoulders and sees a KILLER CLOWN in the doorway. He cocks his shotgun. Brennan raises her gun and shoots. The shot hits the door as clown ducks back from the doorway. The backfire causes Booth to drop Brennan. Brennan falls back and hits her head against the wall. Brennan: Ugh! My head. Booth: Just stop shooting at things, Bones. Booth heads out of the room to chase after the clown. Brennan: But, he had a gun! Booth: You stay here. Anyone comes through that door, you shoot their heads off-except me. Brennan lifts her gun up towards Booth. Brennan: My gun is too big for me. Booth: I could've told you that a hundred times. Here, take mine. Booth exchanges guns with Brennan. Booth (CONT'D): Guard Megan. Booth heads towards the exit, his gun raised. Brennan reaches out towards Megan. Brennan: Come on, Megan. Come here. Megan and Brennan huddle in the corner. INT. SUBWAY ACCESS AREA / NIGHT Booth carefully and slowly leaves the room. Booth walks away from the room, searching for the killer clown. Both travels along the wall, his back to it, and his gun raised. Booth stops and hears the clown jump down from above. The clown cocks his gun. Booth turns around. The clown fires, misses , hitting the concrete near Booth. Booth ducks and fires. Inside the room, the shots can be heard. Megan whimpers. Brennan: It's okay. Booth turns and leans against the wall. Booth reaches for and holds his waist. The killer clown rushes forward. Booth: Damn it. Booth checks his side and he's been hit and is bleeding. The clown looks around the corner. Booth sees him and fires. Booth moves. The killer clown steps out and fires at Booth. The clown takes his mask off, the killer clown is EMT Pete Geller. Booth (CONT'D): How could a guy with military training miss with a scattergun? What were you, Navy? Geller removes the shells from his shotgun. Geller: Infantry. Geller drops the shells on the floor as he reloads his gun. Inside the room, Megan whimpers. Brennan silences her. Brennan: Okay. Geller: Which is how I know you're carrying the 50-caliber 500. Well, that's five shots. (cocks his gun.) And by my count... (snaps the gun.) ... you only got one shot left. Geller steps out and fires. Booth checks his gun and groans. Geller: (CONT'D) That's one dumbass gun to bring to a shootout! (taunts) Where's your backup, Booth? Shouldn't they be here by now? Inside the room, Brennan tries to get Megan to remain silence. Brennan: You need to be quiet. Can you do that, Megan? Megan nods. Brennan stands up. Megan and Brennan make their way towards the door. Outside, Geller hears Megan whimpering. Geller turns his head toward the snake room. Brennan and Megan reach the door just as Geller turns and fires at the door. His shots hit the door. Brennan and Megan scream. Booth: Bones, you all right? Brennan: We're okay. We're okay. He's using you to get to us. Geller: Not for long, Booth. I'm just gonna stick my scattergun in there and empty the barrels. Booth picks up an access panel and uses it as a shield as he makes his way back to the snake room. Geller: (CONT'D) Your girl is gonna look like hamburger. Geller turns around and fires at Booth, his shots hit the access panel. Booth falls back as he drops the panel. Geller ducks behind the open snake room's door. Booth gets uo. Booth cocks his gun and aims for Geller BOOTH One shot. Booth fires. The shot went right through the metal door and hit Geller. Geller grunts. Geller falls to the floor with a loud thud. Booth (CONT'D): One hell of a shot. Brennan and Megan finally exit the room. Brennan points her gun on Geller's motionless body. Booth (CONT'D): Now can you see why I hate clowns? EXT. WASHINGTON - NIGHT EXT. JEFFERSONIAN - NIGHT INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB / LOBBY - NIGHT Angela meets up with Amber Kippler. Angela: Ms. Kippler. Amber: Wow. Ms. Montenegro, you look amazing. Halloween, right? Angela: Look, Hodgins and I haven't really decided what we're gonna do next. Amber: I tried to seduce him, you know. Angela: Hodgins? Amber: Ew. No. Your husband. I took off my top and everything. Angela: Why? Amber: I've been told I have alabaster skin that's really impossible to resist touching. Angela: Isn't that some kind of conflict of interest? The PI code? Amber: On the contrary. I did it totally for you, the client. Angela: Mm-hmm. Amber: I was testing your husband with my wiles so that I could properly advise you. Angela: You are a very dedicated investigator. Amber: Which is why I have to tell you something I didn't want to say in front of Dr. Hodgkins. Angela: Hodgins. There's no k. Amber: Your husband is deeply, deeply in love with you. Also, he has incredible abs and forearms. So what I'm suggesting is that I take you down there, mediate a meeting, and see if any old sparks don't flare back into life. Angela: I'm in love with Hodgins. Amber: Now. Angela: Forever, Ms. Kippler. Amber: Did I mention the little catch in his throat when he said your name? Angela: Look, all I want out of him is a divorce, okay? So if you want to see him again and you want to rub your alabaster all over him and shake his snow globes, be my guest. All I want is the divorce. Angela begins to leave. Amber: I hear you. I believe you. I just wanted to make sure. Angela: And please don't ever say "ew" about Hodgins again. Amber: Beards. I don't like beards. Rspecially in conjunction with huge, blue eyes. Makes me feel like I'm staring into one of those Russian religious icons. Angela doesn't comment. She turns and leaves. Amber turns . Hodgins is walking towards her. Amber (CONT'D): Oh, Dr. Hodgkins. Hodgins: Hod-gins. Were you just talking to Angela? Amber: Yes. I was telling her that her husband is extremely physically attractive. Hodgins: Okay. Enough with that now. Quit trying to drive a wedge. Amber: It's a fact. On a scale of one to ten, he's ten to the tenth power. Hodgins: What am I? Amber: You're a solid 7.5, which is quite respectable. Hodgins: Your job is to help me and Angela to be together. Amber: Dr. Hodgkins, domestic issues make up the core of our business. And I have to tell you, most of the time they go back. Hodgins: They go back? Amber: They go back to their husbands or their wives most of the time. It's a fact. Hodgins: And you think Angela should go back to her husband? Amber: I don't have an opinion about should or should not. I'm more interested in will or won't. But in this case, in my opinion. I don't think she's going back to her husband. Hodgins: Even after you practically threw him at her? Amber: Exactly. Aren't you glad I did? Now you can sleep like a baby because of my thorough approach. Hodgins begins to leave. Amber smiles. Hodgins turns back. Hodgins: Thank you. Amber: That's right, "thank you." Hodgins and Amber both leave. INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB / LOBBY - NIGHT The lab is dark and empty. The doors open. Booth and Brennan walk into the Jeffersonian. Brennan: Where is everybody? Both Brennan and Booth look horrible. Booth: At the party, I guess. Brennan: We could still go. Booth: Ah, we look like hell. Brennan: It's a Halloween party. We could be Wonder Woman and, what's Superman's secret identity? Booth pulls his nerdy glasses out of his shirt pocket, and places them on his face. Booth: Clark Kent. Brennan: Yes. We could be Wonder Woman and Clark Kent after a really, really bad date. Brennan takes a seat on the steps. Booth: Yeah, bad date because you shot me. Brennan: It was only a flesh wound. And you dropped me on my head. Booth: After you shot me. Okay, I think I got you on this one. Okay, Wonder Woman? Booth removes his glasses and takes a seat next to Brennan. Booth sighs heavily, and Brennan looks at him. Brennan: I'm sorry you had to kill someone. I know you hate that. Booth: Yeah, he had it coming. Brennan: You hate it. I'm sorry that happened to you. Booth: We saved the girl. That's a pretty good date. Brennan: Except not really a date. Booth: I know. It was... Brennan: ... work. Not a date. Booth: Really, really hard one. Brennan: And we're not really Wonder Woman and Clark Kent. We're Brennan and Booth. Booth: Look, you're the one who brought up the date analogy. Brennan and Booth share a moment of silence. Brennan: You hungry? Booth puts on the nerdy glasses again. Booth: Yeah. Brennan: Me, too. Booth and Brennan get up. Booth leads, and Brennan lags behind. Booth: Okay, let's go grab a bite to eat. While Booth heads towards the door, Brennan stops, and begins to spin around in a circle with her arms up at her sides. Booth turns around. Booth (CONT'D): What the hell are you doing? Brennan stops spinning. Brennan: Nothing. They head out of the Jeffersonian. End.
Plan: A: The FBI; Q: Who is called to investigate the mummified remains of a teenage girl? A: a Halloween-themed maze; Q: Where were the mummified remains of a teenage girl found? A: approximately two years ago; Q: When were the remains of the second girl found at a Halloween amusement park funhouse? A: the Halloween holiday; Q: When does the FBI team have until to save a missing teenage girl? Summary: The FBI is called to investigate after the mummified remains of a teenage girl are found in a Halloween-themed maze. Brennan and her team determine the girl has been dead for about a year. Another mummified remains of a teenage girl are found at a Halloween amusement park funhouse, who they determine was killed approximately two years ago. When the team finds out a third teenage girl is missing, they realize they have until the Halloween holiday to save her.
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT] [EXT. SUGAR CANE RANCH - NIGHT] (Lorenzo "Happy" Morales punches the punching bag.) (CUT TO: In a boxing ring, Happy Morales spars with a partner.) (CUT TO: Happy Morales jumps rope.) [INT. SUGAR CANE RANCH - NIGHT] (CU: The bed sheets bounce and the bedsprings squeak rhythmically. The painting raps rhythmically against the wall. The headboard moves rhythmically.) (The door flings open. Happy Morales, sweaty from his workout, enters the room.) VARIOUS CUTS OF: (One of the girls, dressed in lingerie, falls back onto the bed.) (Cut to: Happy Morales is in the boxing ring sparring with someone.) (Cut to: Happy Morales has a cigarette with his eyes closed.) (Cut to: Happy Morales is in the boxing ring sparring with someone.) (Cut to: A woman in red lingerie falls back onto the bed. ) (Cut to: Happy Morales exercises.) (Cut to: Dreama Little is on the bed.) (VARIOUS CUTS OF: Happy Morales exercising.) (Cut to: A woman in leopard print lingerie falls back onto the bed.) (Cut to: The door opens and Happy Morales, sweaty from his workout, dances into the room.) (Cut to: Happy Morales throws a couple of punches.) (Cut to: Two women fall back onto the bed.) VARIOUS CUTS OF: The women look absolutely bored as they endure it.) (Happy Morales leans against the boxing ring ropes, sighs and puts his head down.) [SCENE_BREAK] [SWIMMING POOL] (The swimming pool water ripples. Happy Morales is face down dead in the water. A crowd of old people and working women from the cathouse gather along the edge of the pool.) FLASH TO: [EXT. SUGAR CANE RANCH - BACKYARD - NIGHT] (Sheriff Ned Bastille escorts Grissom and Sara to the swimming pool where the body is.) Sheriff Ned Bastille: Yeah. One of the gals fished him out of the pool, and the owner called me. No one's touched the body since. Grissom: Where's your coroner? Sheriff Ned Bastille: Oh, couldn't get him on the horn. Probably out in some barn, up to his elbows in a cow's v*g1n*. Sara: Excuse me? Sheriff Ned Bastille: Oh. Yeah. Coroner's a part-time gig here in Brime County. He's a veterinarian. That's his money gig. Sara: (to radio) Control, this is CSI Sidle. We're going to need a coroner for that 419 out at the Sugar Cane Ranch. Dispatch: (from radio) Copy that. (A crowd of women in their lingerie gathers outside near the pool. Ned cheerfully clears his throat.) Sheriff Ned Bastille: Excuse me, ladies. (The ladies move aside so Ned, Grissom and Sara can walk through.) Grissom: This is a strange crowd for a cathouse. Milton: (interrupts) Hey, Sheriff! (Milton, an elderly man in his robe, is standing in front of the neon sign.) Milton: Di-Did you hear about my wife? Somebody shot my wife. Yeah, I'm telling ya, they shot my wife. Sheriff Ned Bastille: Yeah. Okay. All right. Settle down, Milton. Settle down. Okay. (They continue on past Milton. The sheriff explains to Grissom and Sara.) Sheriff Ned Bastille: His wife died about ten years ago of a stroke. Sara: What is with all the old-timers out here tonight? Sheriff Ned Bastille: Oh, they live here. Yeah, all over these hills. Cheap rents, abundant sunshine. Life is good here in Brime County. (They stop in front of the body.) Sheriff Ned Bastille: Guy's name is Lorenzo Morales. Grissom: "Happy" Morales. I saw him fight LeRoi Steele at the Sands a couple of years ago. Took a vicious beating. Never touched the mat once. Sara: Well, he's definitely down for the count. Sheriff Ned Bastille: Listen. I want to tell you something. George and Doris Babinkian own this place. Run a real tight ship. Never had a problem in all the years they've been here. (Behind Ned, a working girl in tiny black two-piece lingerie walks up the steps toward him. She's carrying his gun belt. He doesn't see her.) Sheriff Ned Bastille: Just good people. Pay their taxes, provide employment, pillars of the community. You know, last month actually, they had a ... (Aimee taps Ned on his shoulder.) Aimee: Ned, you left this in my room again. (She gives him the belt and leaves.) Sheriff Ned Bastille: Oh. Thanks. Thanks, Aimee. (Ned turns and looks at Grissom.) Sheriff Ned Bastille: She ... (Grissom smiles back at him. Ned turns and leaves. Grissom turns and finds Sara smiling at him.) (They both turn their attention to the body.) Grissom: Look at this. Sara: Gunshot wound? Grissom: Maybe. (Grissom snaps a photo of it.) Sara: He's got a contusion over his right eye. Could be associated with the incident. Grissom: Well, he was a boxer. (Grissom takes more photos. Sara turns around and finds a broken lawn chair near the edge of the pool. She sticks her hand in the water.) Sara: Feels like bathwater. It's got to be 90 degrees. There's no way we're going to get an accurate TOD. Grissom: Places like this always keep their pools warm. Encourages the girls to swim topless. It's good for business. (Sara looks at Grissom.) (beat) Grissom: So they tell me. FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SUGAR CANE RANCH - NIGHT] (The sign reads: BINKY'S WORLD FAMOUS SUGAR CANE RANCH.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SUGAR CANE RANCH - DAY] (The coroners remove the body on the gurney and put it in the back of the black vehicle.) [INT. SUGAR CANE RANCH - DAY] (The ladies are relaxing in the lounge. Brass interviews George "Binky" Babinkian and his wife, Doris.) Brass: So when was the last time you saw the deceased? Binky Babinkian: It was, like, an hour ago, when they took him away on that cart. Brass: No, I ... you know, I meant the last time you saw him alive. Doris Babinkian: I saw him around noon yesterday. Made him his ... favorite meal. Meat. Brass: Yeah. Mr. Babinkian ... Binky Babinkian: Oh, you call me Binky. Everybody call me Binky. Brass: Okay, Binky, tell me about ... Binky Babinkian: Lorenzo? Everybody call him Happy. Brass: Mm-hmm. What? Does everybody have a nickname around here? Doris Babinkian: Not me. I'm just Doris. Nut? Brass: No, thank you, Doris. So tell me about Happy. Binky Babinkian: Oh, Happy, Happy. He was a fighter. He was a born boxer. He had speed, he had skills, he had heart, he had ... punch! You know, four years ago, he was a top-ranked middleweight. Doris Babinkian: That's right. Binky Babinkian: Yeah. But he... I don't know ... stumble into hard times. Brass: Oh, yeah? What do you mean? Binky Babinkian: You know. Boompa, boompa sniff, sniff. Like, party time. And I... I mean, I buy his contract, I take him out here, I give him a double-wide. I build him a gym to train him, and I train him. I can make him a champion. Doris Babinkian: He did that. Brass: You took a boxer who likes to party to a whorehouse to train? Do you think that was smart? Binky Babinkian: Well, in hindsight, maybe not so good idea. Brass: So, anybody have a grudge against Happy that you know of? Binky Babinkian: Everybody loved Happy. Doris Babinkian: Yes. Binky Babinkian: You ... I want you to catch this person. Find him, please. And, you know ... anytime your boys need a break, we have something here we call a cop special. (Doris winks at him.) Doris Babinkian: You'll like it. Binky Babinkian: Any girl, no charge and one complimentary drink ... (Doris slaps Binky's hand.) Doris Babinkian: Oh, two! Binky Babinkian: Okay, two complimentary drinks. And one appetizer of your choice here at the bar. Tonight, we have, uh ... ? Doris Babinkian: Baba ghanoush. Binky Babinkian: Yes. Brass: Well, thank you. Thank you very much. You two really run a mom-and-pop operation. Doris Babinkian: Oh, thank you. Brass: And now, if you don't mind, I'd like to talk to the hookers. Doris Babinkian: Hooking is what girls do out on the street. Here we prefer the term "pleasure provider." [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SUGAR CANE RANCH -BACKYARD -- DAY] (Nick and Sara are going through the pool side. Sara opens the filter.) Sara: Ooh! Beer caps, candy wrappers, cigarette butts, used condoms. (She snaps pictures of the pool filter.) Sara: This is one pool I am not feeling a pressing need to take a dip in. (Sara takes the filter out and tips it to show Nick all the stuff inside.) Nick: Ugh. Me either. This chair has taken quite a beating, and this cigarette looks like it was just left here and burned out. Hand me an evidence marker, will you? (Sara hands him evidence marker 2, which Nick puts next to the burned-out cigarette. He takes a photo of it.) Nick: There is a stain on the filter. Could be blood, could be lipstick. If this fellow was shot through the throat, and had a nasty lump on the head, -- (Quick flash to: A gunshot fires. Happy Morales falls into the pool.) Nick: (V.O.) -- could be how he ended up face down in the pool. (End of flash.) Sara: Yeah, but there's no blood by the pool. If he was shot here, you'd expect spatter. Nick: Back-splash could have washed it away when he hit the water. Sara: I kind of doubt it. The bloodstains on his shirt were straight up and down. They had time to settle in. I think he was shot somewhere else, and just got dumped in here. Nick: Well, it sounds like we need to play ... "Find the Bullet." [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SUGAR CANE RANCH - MAIN ROOM -- DAY] (The ladies are lined up and Greg takes DNA samples from them.) Greg: All right. Open up, please. (Greg holds up the swab.) Lulu: Honey, come see me later. I can show you a better way to get DNA. (The girls laugh as Greg takes the swab sample.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SUGAR CANE RANCH - DRESSING ROOM -- DAY] (Brass interviews the girls one-by-one.) Brass: So did you see Lorenzo "Happy" Morales last night? Tiff: Uh-uh. [SCENE_BREAK] Lulu: No. [SCENE_BREAK] Dreama Little: I don't think so. Brass: No? [SCENE_BREAK] Light Pink Robe Girl: No. [SCENE_BREAK] Aimee: Mm ... Mm-mm. Brass: Did you hear any gunshots? Any shouting? Anything unusual? [SCENE_BREAK] Dreama Little: No. [SCENE_BREAK] Aimee: No. [SCENE_BREAK] (Tiff thinks about it.) Brass: So what did you do last night? Aimee: A guy came in, and he brought his 18-year-old son, and I made him a man. I popped his man cherry. Light Pink Robe Girl: Oh, the usual stuff. I had a pretty good night. I tickled a guy. Brass: That's it? Dreama Little: I had a cold, so I stayed in my room and I read "Pride and Prejudice". (chuckles) I have a big fat crush on Mr. Darcy. Tiff: I had two ... no, three dates. Then I hung around the bar and watched TV. Brass: So, what did you think of Happy? Light Pink Robe Girl: He was fine. Lulu: Actually, he was kind of ... Aimee: Cute. And he was ... Dreama Little: I mean, I didn't have nothing against him. Brass: Let me make something clear for you. This is a homicide investigation. If you're lying to me, even a little bit, I'm going to come down on you like a load of bricks. (Aimee in the black lingerie bites her nails.) Brass: So let me ask you again. What did you think of Happy? (The light pink robe girl rattles off angrily in Spanish.) Light Pink Robe Girl: (subtitled) I couldn't stand him. If it was up to me, ... he could die in hell! He was a thief! Tiff: He was messed up, man. He took pills to get wood, then he couldn't even finish. Lulu: Plus, he had the windy problem. Brass: What does that mean? He talked too much? Tiff: No. He passed gas too much. Aimee: He smelled really bad. Lulu: I mean, I know you're not supposed to be sensitive in this line of work ... Tiff: -- but that guy could blister paint. Brass: Wow. Dreama Little: What pissed me off, he started coming around, and he just stopped paying for it. Aimee: He thought he could get anything and everything for free. Brass: So, did Doris and Binky have a problem with this? (Quick flashback to: [POOLSIDE] Binky approaches Happy, who is lounging in a chair next to the pool with a cigarette and a bottle of beer.) Girl: (V.O.) Binky had a big problem with it. Binky: You keep your hands off my girls. Okay? Happy Morales: Hey, this is a whorehouse. That's what they're here for. Binky: You lazy, fat bum. Why you don't make yourself useful around here, eh? Look at this piece of falling apart crap of a chair. (Binky grabs the chair and tilts it, causing Happy to stagger out Binky: You pick up a tool and fix it! All right? (Binky leaves. Happy drinks and burps.) (End of flashback.) Dreama Little: Doris, uh ... she had a little thing for Mr. Happy, if you know what I mean. Brass: Did he reciprocate? Tiff: What? Brass: Was it a one-way thing or a two-way thing? Aimee: I don't know what you're saying. Brass: Did Binky know? Dreama Little: (shrugs) I don't know. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SUGAR CANE RANCH - MAIN OFFICE -- DAY] (Grissom takes Doris's cigarette out of her mouth.) Grissom: May I? (He swabs her mouth, then puts her cigarette back in her mouth.) Grissom: Thank you. Doris: Mm-hmm. (Grissom notes the security video feeds.) Grissom: These monitors are live-feed only? Nothing taped? Doris: Absolutely not. If we did that, and word got out, we'd be out of business in about a week. (Grissom picks up the headphones.) Grissom: But I see that the rooms are wired for sound as well. Doris: Yeah. Well, that's for the girls' protection. Grissom: And to make sure that they don't short you on their financial transactions? Doris: I just spot-check from time to time. I trust my girls. Grissom: Did you hear anything unusual last night? Doris: Believe me, if I had heard anything, you'd have known about it already. I want to know what happened to that poor boy just as much ... just as much as anybody. Grissom: You cared about him. Doris: Happy was a child in a man's body, you know? He had no family. He had nobody. He was scared. His big comeback was going nowhere. He was finished, and he knew it. Happy knew it. Binky knew it. Everybody knew it. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SUGAR CANE RANCH -- DAY] (Grissom and Sara walk out of the main house on their way to Happy Morales's lodging.) Grissom: Twenty-five people here last night, and nobody sees anything. (A couple of working girls walk by.) Woman: (to Grissom) Nice hat, honey. (Grissom watches them go. He and Sara continue.) Sara: So you've been to a place like this before? Grissom: I worked a murder-suicide at the Naughty Kitty once. Sara: No, no, come on. You know what I mean. Grissom: As a customer? No. Sara: You never paid for s*x? Grissom: I have not. I find the whole idea very ... bleak. Sara: Really? How come? GRISSOM: s*x should provide the opportunity for human connection, but paid s*x does the opposite of that. To me, s*x without love is pointless. It makes you sad. Sara: Well, I'm pretty sure I don't make you sad. Grissom: No. You make me happy. (They head up the stairs to the lodge.) [INT. HAPPY MORALES'S ROOMS - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (The door opens. Sara and Grissom walk in and look around. They note the plate with various pills on it. On the table, Sara sees more pill bottles. Grissom walks over to the counter. Sara sees the old boxing posters on the wall.) (Grissom reads the hand-written labels on the label-less bottles.) Grissom: Methaqualone ... benziazepine; antidepressants. (Sara finds more pill bottles.) Sara: Anabolic steroids, beta blockers, high-blood-pressure meds, Prevalis. Grissom: There's no prescription labels. It's all written in Spanish. Looks like a lot of this stuff came from south of the border. Sara: Blood drops on the floor. Smears on the furniture and the walls. Grissom: This might be where they ran the opening bell. (She turns and looks at Happy Morales's picture on the poster.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (Happy Morales is dead on the autopsy table. Catherine snaps photos while Robbins and Warrick talk.) Robbins: Boxers all end up the same--beaten, broken and forgotten. Warrick: Hmm, yeah, Joe Louis, George Foreman, Ali, Marciano, Frazier, Tyson -- Who are those guys? (Warrick pulls off Happy's boxer shorts. Catherine stops taking photos.) Catherine: Whoa. Robbins: Genitals are distended and patchy and covered with large red welts. Testicles are swollen, roughly three times the average size. Scrotum is filled with fluid. It's consistent with cardio edema or an STD. Maybe an infection of some kind. Catherine: Either that or this guy's got the world's ugliest Johnson. (Warrick shakes his head and holds back a laugh.) Robbins: Okay, I'll just slice the scrotal sack and draw out a fluid sample. Warrick: Oh, Doc, could you wait till I leave? Thanks. Catherine: This guy's got a nasty crack on his head. (Catherine continues taking photos.) Robbins: Yeah. Probably a fracture. Wouldn't surprise me if there was a hematoma to go along with it. Catherine: There's linear markings on the contusion. (Warrick turns on the ALS and looks at the markings while Catherine snaps a photo.) Warrick: Looks like letters of some kind. What is that? Catherine: I think it's backwards. (She looks at the digital image on the camera and flips it.) Catherine: (reads) I-N-C-H. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SUGAR CANE RANCH - MAIN ROOM / ROOMS -- DAY] (Nick walks through the hallway on his way to the rooms while Binky rushes after him.) Binky: Please, listen. You make me close down my doors, cop cars in front! It's not good for the business. I know a man die here, but dead is dead. I lose my shirt. Nick: Are the girls allowed to keep any weapons in the room for self-defense? Binky: No weapons. Strictly forbidden. Nick: Then you won't mind if I check for myself, right? Binky: What do you mean, check for yourself? How long will this take? Nick: As long as it takes. (Nick enters the first bedroom and closes the door behind him, leaving Binky out in the hallway.) Binky: (mocking) As long as it takes. Your mother sleep with Azerbaijani. (Binky walks away.) [INT. SUGAR CANE RANCH - BEDROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (Nick looks around the room. He opens the drawer and finds condoms, some other stuff and pepper spray with UV dye. (Cut to: In a snake-shaped lamp, he finds brass knuckles.) (Cut to: He opens another drawer and finds a knife among the boxes of condoms.) (Cut to: He moves the sheets and lifts the mattress and finds an electric prod.) (Cut to: He finds a large knife.) (Cut to: He finds a stun gun in a drawer.) (Cut to: Under the bed, he finds high-heeled shoes, flimsy lingerie and a crowbar.) (Quick CGI flash: Along the grooves are splotches of red. We pull back and see: -I-N-C-H-. We pull back further and see: MADE IN CHINA. End of CGI flash FLASH TO: [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] Brass: (V.O.) Dreama Little. [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Brass interviews Dreama Little.) Brass: Is that your real name? Dreama Little: (sings) Stars shining bright above you, night breezes seem to whisper "I love you," birds singing in the sycamore tree, dream a little dream of me. Brass: Do I look like Paula Abdul to you? Dreama Little: My daddy gave me that name 'cause he liked that song. BRASS: (sighs) Happy was hit in the head with a crowbar we found in your room. You wiped off your fingerprints, but you didn't wipe off his blood from the grooves. Dreama Little: He was always ... coming up to my room, getting all up on me. He liked them other girls, but he was obsessed with me. Look, look what he did. (She lifts up her blouse to show Brass the bruise on her side.) Dreama Little: He punched me right there in the ribs just for fun. Stupid. (She shows him the bruise on her back.) Dreama Little: Then he flipped me over and then he started punching me back here. Every night, drunk, crazy, messed up--whether he could get it up or not. (Quick flash of: Dreama on her bed.) Dreama Little: (V.O.) Last night I was just about to take my week off to bleed, and I wasn't in the mood. (Happy bursts into the room. He throws Dreama on the bed. She reaches under the bed and grabs her crowbar.) Dreama Little: (V.O.) So yeah ... (She hits him on the head. Happy groans in pain.) Dreama Little: (V.O.) ... I hit him. (He staggers out of the room.) (End of flashback.) Dreama Little: So what? He deserved it. It didn't even drop him. He just wandered off. Brass: I'm going to let you in on a little secret. You don't get to decide whether you kill somebody or not. Dreama Little: I just explained to you ... Brass: You whacked him on the side of the head with a crowbar. Dreama Little: I know, but I didn't ... Brass: That's assault with a deadly weapon. Dreama Little: He came over ... Brass: It doesn't matter whether he wandered off or not. He's bleeding from the brain. If he dies later on, that's murder on you. Dreama Little: (shocked) I killed him? Brass: You know, a jury may take into account the fact that you were abused, and I hope they do. But you're not gonna just walk out of here. Dreama Little: (crying) I killed him! (He gives her a pen.) Brass: You know, sometimes it helps to write it down. Dreama Little: Okay. (She takes the pen and paper.) (Brass's phone buzzes. He looks at it and sees its DR. ROBBINS.) (Brass stands up to answer the phone.) Brass: (to phone) Yes. Robbins: (from phone) Understand you'll be talking to the girl who crowbarred the boxer. Brass: (to phone) Well, yes, Doctor, I'm actually with her right now. INTERCUT WITH: [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY] (Happy is on the table, his head cut opened and brain removed.) Robbins: Yeah? Well actually I'm with him right now. And that blow to the head wouldn't do him much good. But it's definitely not what killed him. (Robbins looks at Happy's brain.) (Brass hangs up. He turns and looks at Dreama, who has her head down on the table while she cries.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (Robbins shares his findings with Catherine.) Robbins: The blow to the forehead caused bruising to the right frontal lobe. It's significant, but definitely sub-lethal by itself. Catherine: And what are those gray spots? Robbins: Just old scar tissue. See it on boxers all the time. It's impossible to know what kind of brain damage the guy was already living with. Catherine: So what killed him? Robbins: In addition to the brain trauma and the holes in his throat, he has needle marks on his thighs, arms and buttocks. I don't know for certain what he was shooting up. Still waiting for tox. Catherine: Well, he was found floating face down in a pool, so let's start with the obvious. Any evidence of drowning? Robbins: His lungs were partially filled with blood and water. However, the neck wound transected the trachea below the epiglottis. (He sticks a pink tube through the holes in the neck.) Robbins: So the air and the water could have entered passively postmortem. Catherine: Well, the entry and the exit are the same size, but ... it doesn't look like a bullet wound to me. Robbins: No, it seems more like a straight-through puncture. The bruising here is more developed than here. At this point, all I can say for sure is the neck wound occurred before the blow to the head. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SUGAR CANE RANCH - DAY] (Sara walks outside the ranch, following the blood drops on the ground. She finds blood and puts evidence marker #14 down next to it. She takes a moment and looks around the spot. She continues looking around the area. She finds more blood drops and puts evidence marker #15 on the ground.) (Nick walks over. He's finishing his phone call.) Nick: (to phone) Okay. (to Sara) Hey. Catherine said we might not be looking for a bullet anymore. Sara: She happen to say at we are looking for? Nick: Not a bullet. Sara: Well, it looks like we have blood drops heading towards Happy's trailer. Nick: Mm-hmm. Milton: (o.s.) Hey! (Nick turns and looks at Milton, the old man, walking toward them.) Milton: You kids, you caught your, caught your guy? Nick: No, sir. Milton: You going to catch him? Sara: We certainly hope so. Milton: Well, think this might be of some help? (He shows them a photo of his wife with an arrow stuck in her forehead. Nick looks at Sara. They both stand up. He gives the photo and arrow to Nick.) Milton: I told you, somebody shot my wife. Come in. I'll show you. (He motions for them to follow him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MILTON'S TRAILER - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Nick hangs the framed photo back up on its spot on his wall. Sara snaps a photo of it.) Nick: There is what appears to be blood on the shaft. Milton: I told 'em. I told 'em, but would they listen? No, no, just an old man running off at the mouth. Sara: Did you see this happen? Milton: No. Woke up this morning and found it like that. I shot an arrow into the air, and it fell to Earth I know not where. (Nick glances at Sara. She turns away with her camera.) Milton: (quoting) Oh, so swiftly it flew, the sight could not follow it in its flight. Long, long ... Nick: (interrupts) Sir. That's, that's really sweet. Milton: That's Longfellow. (chuckles wryly) What do you kids know 'bout poetry? Sara: Nick, arrow came in through that window. (She turns to indicate the window on the other side of the trailer. Just outside is a short path next to a toolshed.) Nick: (nods) Yeah. (Nick heads out.) Milton: (mutters) Even an idiot could see that. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SUGAR CANE RANCH - TRAILERS -- DAY] (Nick walks away from Milton's trailer and heads over toward the path next to the nearby toolshed.) (He takes his glasses off and stops near the blood on the ground near evidence marker #15. He pauses and looks back at Milton's trailer. He looks over by the toolshed, then over by Happy's rooms. Nick puts his glasses on and heads over to the path by the toolshed.) (Nick stops. He finds a second arrow stuck in the ground near the side of the toolshed. He has a clear sight to Milton's trailer window. Nick leans up against a board and pretends to hold a crossbow.) (Quick visualization of: He shoots Happy. Then the arrow goes clear through the window and stops in the framed photo of Milton's wife. End of visualization.) (Nick walks over to the trailer window with the arrow.) Nick: Hey, Sara. Found another arrow shot in the ground near that old toolshed. Sara: Maybe the shooter got nervous. Nick: Well, to work in a brothel you're required to register your fingerprints, so ... Sara: I'm almost done here. I'll catch up. Nick: Okay. I'll let you know if we get lucky. (Nick takes the arrow and leaves. Sara turns back to the arrow in the photo.) Sara: A long time afterward, in an oak ... (Milton perks up.) Sara: ... found the arrow, still unbroke And the song, from beginning to end, (She removes the arrow from the picture.) Sara: I found again in the heart of a friend. (Milton looks at Sara.) Sara: Keep the faith, Milton. (Sara smiles and heads out. Milton smiles as he watches her go. He turns and winks at his wife's photo. We hold on the picture of his wife.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SUGAR CANE RANCH - DAY] (Nick finds a print off the arrow and scans it into the computer they've set up in the back of the SUV. He sends the print to: MANDY.WEBSTER(a)LVPDSCI.COM FILE # BIN30974-2946 (He exhales as he waits.) [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB - DAY] (Mandy receives the print and scans it through the database. She finds a POSITIVE MATCH to Connor Foster, a bartender at the Sugar Cane Ranch.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SUGAR CANE RANCH - DAY] (Doris and Nick walk up to the bar.) Doris: (whispers) Connor. Honey, are you asleep? (Connor, the bartender, has his head down on the bar.) Doris: Connor. (Connor wakes up.) Connor Foster: Hello, Doris. Doris: Are you drunk? Connor Foster: No. Not too much. (With her eyes, she indicates Nick standing just behind her. Connor looks at Nick.) Connor Foster: What's up, dude? Nick: Mr. Foster, we're going to need to talk to you down at the police station. Okay? Connor Foster: Okey-doke. (Connor stands up, then promptly falls on the floor.) (Nick smiles and looks at the officer behind him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT] (Brass interviews Connor Foster.) Connor Foster: Okay. So I shot Happy. I hated that guy. But it was self-defense. Brass: Self-defense, really? How? Connor Foster: I myself was trying to defend the girls. They needed me to protect them. They depended me on that. So that's what I done. (whispers) This guy was a monster! (Quick flashback to: [EXT. NIGHT (BLACK & WHITE)] Happy staggers off into the night. He roars.) Connor Foster: (V.O.) He was all puffed up ... (End of flashback.) Connor Foster: -- like some big-ass ... lizard monster guy. (Quick flashback to: [EXT. - NIGHT (BLACK & WHITE)] Connor aims at Happy through his crossbow. He shoots and hits Happy through the neck. Happy groans. He turns and sees Connor aiming to shoot him again.) (Connor gets scared and puts the crossbow down to put another arrow in. Happy charges over toward him. Connor gets scared and flees.) (End of flashback.) Brass: So this is your idea of an assassination attempt? This is your Lee Harvey? You hide behind a toolshed and shoot him with a crossbow, which we all know you own -- is that it? Connor Foster: Yeah, but he wouldn't die. And I'm glad he did. And anyway, I wasn't the one that killed him. (whispers) He just ... kept coming at me. He wouldn't lie down. Brass: Right. Connor Foster: It was horrible. Brass: Connor. You shot a guy in the neck, and you don't think you killed him? Connor Foster: Uh-huh. Brass: Well, how do you know you didn't kill him? How do you know he didn't stagger off somewhere and ... you know, drop dead in the pool? I'm liking you for Happy's murder. I'm liking you a lot. Connor Foster: But I didn't kill him! And I'd do it again if I had a chance! (Brass looks at him.) Connor Foster: (whispers) I killed him? Brass: Yeah. Connor Foster: I killed him? I killed him! (He covers his face with his hands and sobs loudly. Brass's phone buzzes. He looks at it and sees its DR. ROBBINS.) (Brass doesn't answer it.) Connor Foster: Are you gonna get that? Brass: Yeah. (Brass picks up the phone and answers it.) INTERCUT WITH: [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT] (Dr. Robbins has Happy's body open in front of him.) Brass: Listen, I just got a confession from the crossbow guy, so we're all set. Robbins: Well, then I am sorry to ruin your day, but I certainly appreciate the company. Your guy might be the shooter ... but he's not the killer. Brass: He-he's not ... What do you mean? Robbins: I mean ... It's not him. (Brass turns and looks at Connor. Connor sobs loudly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [FLASHBACK] (Happy staggers along the grounds. His throat is swollen.) Robbins: (V.O.) Happy was on the verge of anaphylactic shock. His trachea was almost completely blocked. (Quick CGI POV of: A view of the inside of Happy's swollen neck. The arrow pierces through his neck, letting air in and Happy can breathe again.) Robbins: (V.O.) And then he got shot. (Down in Happy's chest, his lungs fill with air.) Robbins: (V.O.) The arrow reopened his airway-- (End of flashback.) Robbins: -- in essence gave him an emergency tracheotomy. [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT] (Robbins goes over his new findings with Brass and Catherine.) Brass: So the guy took an arrow through the throat, and it prolonged his life? Robbins: Apparently. Catherine: And what are the odds of it not hitting a major artery? Robbins: Whatever comes right before zero. Catherine: So COD is anaphylactic shock? Robbins: Not entirely. The epiglottal tissues are only slightly swollen, which suggests the anaphylaxis had enough time to subside. (The door opens and David Phillips appears in the doorway. He clears his throat.) Robbins: Not now, David. David Phillips: I'm sorry, but Happy's antigen assay came back. The anaphylaxis was a reaction to shellfish. Robbins: I didn't find any seafood in his stomach or small intestine. Just six and a half pounds of undigested red meat. Brass: Well, that explains the flatulence. Catherine: And nothing else. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CSI - LAB - NIGHT] (Greg and Hodges go through the evidence gathered from the Sugar Cane Ranch.) Hodges: Anything? Greg: No shellfish yet, but plenty of used condoms, as well as antifungal powder, vaginal lubricant, hair balls, toenail clippings, hemorrhoid cream and lice-killing shampoo. Somehow, the whole brothel mystique is wearing thin. (Greg finds a syringe in a tampon tube. Hodges watches him.) Hodges: I found a couple of syringes, too. Greg: I thought these girls were supposed to be drug-free. Hodges: Well, maybe there's a legitimate medical reason for that. Greg: Yeah. That's why it was stuffed inside of a tampon applicator. (Greg snaps a photo of the syringe.) Greg: You know, I kind of feel bad for these girls. Hodges: Don't feel too bad. They have health benefits, good pay. Women get regular checkups. The industry is well-regulated, as opposed to picking a hooker up off the street. (rambles) Does she have a disease? Multiple diseases? Is she crazy? Is she gonna roll you? Where do you go? Do you do it in your car? Behind a building? Down a dark alley? So you drive around, scared out of your mind. You finally get the nerve up, pick one you like, call her over, she gets in - next thing you know, you're down on the pavement, cuffed, 'cause she's an undercover cop, but luckily, you're three months shy of your 18th birthday, so when you call your mom to come get you, it doesn't go on my permanent record. Greg: Okay. (Hodges lifts the newspaper and finds a partially eaten shrimp tail. He holds it up.) Hodges: We've got a winnah! [SCENE_BREAK] VARIOUS CUTS OF: (Hodges takes a swab of the lipstick around the shrimp tail. He takes a sample of the tail shell, spins it, takes a sample of the liquid and puts it in the machine for analysis.) (The machine finds the color of the lipstick: SUPERLA LUSTY LAVENDER LIPSTICK (Greg sprays the shrimp tails and hangs it in the hood. He finds a print.) (Quick flashback to: Doris and Binky clink glasses.) Grissom: (V.O.) The prints on the shrimp tails all came back to George Babinkian, but whoever was eating the shrimp was wearing lavender lipstick -- so I'm guessing it wasn't Binky. (Binky takes a cocktail shrimp and feeds it to Doris.) Brass: (V.O.) Well, that's Doris's color. (End of flashback.) [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT] (Grissom shares his findings with Brass.) Grissom: Doc was bothered there was no sign of shellfish in Happy's digestive tracts, so he went back and checked the genital area -- there are clear indications that the point of entry of the anaphylaxis ... was through the urethra. Brass: Oh ... Yeah. Oh. You know, when I talked to the girls, they told me that Doris and Happy had a thang. You add Binky into the mix, and that is one nasty little love triangle. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SUGAR CANE RANCH] (Grissom and Brass interview Binky and Doris.) Binky: So, are we making progress? Brass: Well, actually, it's a ... it's a very complicated case. We were hoping maybe you'd help us out a little. Binky: Well, of course, gentlemen, anything. Brass: Well, apparently, Happy was in the midst of a life-threatening anaphylactic collapse. Do you know what that means? (Doris and Binky look at each other.) Binky: Um ... Brass: It's a very heavy allergy attack ... to shellfish. (Doris stops.) Brass: But the strange thing is, the allergen, it seems, was introduced into Happy's system through oral-genital contact. Binky: I have no idea what you're talking about now. (But Doris does. She starts hyperventilating with anger. Grissom watches her reaction. Binky glances at her.) Binky: Now ... Uh ... gentlemen, she's very hot my wife. She was very fond of ... of this boxer. (Binky puts a hand on her shoulder and Doris grabs Binky.) Brass: Apparently. Binky: Will you excuse us? (Binky grabs Doris and pulls her up.) I would like to ... comfort and talk to my wife. Brass: Well, no, wait a minute, wait a minute. Grissom: No. I think it'll be all right. Go ahead. Binky: Thank you, thank you. Grissom: Take your time. (Binky and Doris exit the main room and head for one of the back rooms.) Brass: What was that about? Grissom: (motions) Come on. (Grissom walks over to the security desk with Brass. He watches Binky and Doris enter a back room and waits for the door to close.) Grissom: These rooms are all wired for sound. Brass: We can't use this as evidence. Grissom: They have no expectation of privacy in those rooms. Binky and Doris are the ones who wired them, and they listen to their clients all the time. (Grissom hands Brass the earphones. He puts on his own. He flips the switch for ROOM 3.) INTERCUT WITH: [INT. ROOM 3 -- CONTINUOUS] (Doris and Binky talk.) Doris: That's why you did it. That's why you fed me the shrimp. Binky: I feed you shrimps because I love you. And you love shrimp, no? Doris: Don't play dumb with me, George. Somehow you figured out that Happy was allergic. Binky: Oh, you crazy talk, crazy. Doris: No, it's all clear to me now. How long have you known? Binky: Known about what? Doris: About me and Happy. Binky: (oh) You were doing boxer? Doris: Screw you, George. You know damn well I was. Binky: I don't care if you have your flingy-flingys. We're living in America, no? I mean everybody's entitled to pursuit of happy. What's done is done, Doris. He was turning into big drag. He's dead now. May God take his soul and rest. Doris: You're setting me up, George. Binky: I ... (Binky turns and notices the mic. He shushes Doris, but she's too angry to notice.) Doris: Now don't you shush me, George. You know what? You've pulled some really out-to-lunch crap in your life, George, but this ... is ... (He grabs her face and turns her head and points to the mic. She stops.) (Grissom turns and looks at Brass.) George: What you just said ... Doris: I didn't mean it. That was just crazy talk. Brass: Yeah. Doris: Yeah. I mean, nobody would ever possibly believe, not for a single solitary moment, I mean not for a single solitary moment, that you, that I, that Happy ... Binky: Oh, come here, baby, baby, come. (Binky awkwardly holds Doris.) Doris: Oh. I love you. (Grissom and Brass take the earphones off.) Binky: I love you. Doris: (sobbing) I love you. Binky: I love you. (The door opens and Brass walks in.) Doris: (sobbing) I love you, too. Brass: And I love you both. Let's go. You're under arrest. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (Grissom walks and talks with Catherine.) Grissom: Binky used Doris to induce Happy's allergic reaction to shrimp as a sort of test of her fidelity ... Catherine: And Happy ends up dead. Not bad. Who's Brass going to charge? (Robbins appears behind them. They turn around.) Robbins: Don't bother. You can't charge either one. (Grissom looks at the report in Robbins' hands and he closes his eyes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT -- FLASHBACK] (Robbins is examining Happy's legs.) Robbins: (V.O.) On secondary examination of the body, I noticed a patch of necrotic skin on the right calf. Looked like a bite of some kind. (Robbins puts a ruler down near the wound marks.) Robbins: (V.O.) So I sent blood off for prothrombin time and blood venom ratio. (End of flashback.) [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT] (Robbins is talking with Catherine and Grissom.) Robbins: It came back positive for snake venom. Catherine: Smashed with a crowbar, shot by a crossbow, poisoned by shrimp and now bitten by a snake? Robbins: Sort of-- Happy had Western Diamondback Rattlesnake venom in his system -- the real deal -- but it wasn't from a bite. (Quick flashback of: Robbins cuts the piece of flesh off Happy's calf.) Robbins: (V.O.) I histo-ed the wound and checked the cross-section. (Cut to: Robbins is looking at the sample under the scope.) Robbins: (V.O.) Snake bite punctures are typically curved ... BACK TO SCENE. (Photo scope view of a cross-section of the puncture wounds.) Catherine: Yeah, these are straight. And one's deeper than the other. Look like needle marks. Robbins: As you can see, the tissue around he wound was pretty badly degraded. (Grissom finds a photo of the syringe.) Grissom: Greg found this in the trash of one of the girls' rooms. Catherine: Which girl? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM 1 - NIGHT] (Brass is interviewing Dreama Little.) Brass: So I think you'll be happy to know that your little crowbar stunt didn't kill Happy. Dreama Little: Really? Brass: Really. Dreama Little: Oh, that's great. That's like I told you. So can I go now? (She stands up.) Brass: Well, don't you even want to know how he died? (She sits down.) Dreama Little: Well ... yeah, okay. Brass: You know, it was the damnedest thing. He had snake venom in his system. Dreama Little: Huh. Brass: Hmm. Dreama Little: A snake bite. Isn't that a hoot? Brass: Yeah, that's just what it is -- a hoot. Dreama Little: You know, there's a bunch of those rattlers all up over those hills. I bet he just ... Brass: Oh, he wasn't bitten. No, he was injected. Yeah. Somebody took a syringe full of snake venom and injected it in his leg. Dreama Little: I don't know nothing about that. Brass: Oh, we found the syringe with the venom in it and your DNA on it in the tube you hid it in. I mean, you might have walked on the crowbar thing, but this is premeditated. And that can be very, very bad for you. Look, I know that you and Connor did this together. He's already going down for the crossbow shot. That's probably why he gave you up. Dreama Little: He-he blamed ... he blamed it on me? Brass: He said that you cooked up the whole thing from top to bottom. (She thinks about it and smiles.) Dreama Little: Mm ... Connor would never say that. He was in love with me. Brass: Are you saying that faking the snake bite was his idea? Dreama Little: No. Connor ain't that smart. It was my idea. (Quick flash of: [EXT. HOUSE] Dreama handles two snakes out of a crate and one is wrapped around her neck.) Dreama Little: (V.O.) My daddy was a serpent-handling preacher. My people all had the holy fire. I had it, too, but mine came from below. (She takes the venom from the snake.) (End of flashback.) Dreama Little: I caught and milked that rattler. INTERCUT WITH: [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM 2] Connor Foster: Dreama said she did it? By herself? Brass: That's right. You're going to walk out of here a free man. And she's going to jail, and you can visit her every third Thursday until she's a very old lady. Is that the way you want it to be? Connor Foster: No. Brass: Well, that's the way it's going to be. Unless you can convince me she's lying just to save your sorry ass. Connor Foster: That ain't the way it went down. Dreama thought it up, but I'm the one who stuck it in. (Quick flashback to: Happy is passed out on Dreama's bed. Connor prepares the syringe.) Dreama Little: Come on. DREAMA LITTLE: Put it in. (Connor injects Happy. He stirs and mumbles.) Dreama Little: (to Happy) That's okay. Shh. Go back sleep. Happy: (mumbles) Later, I'll get you later. Okay? Dreama Little: It's okay. (to Connor) Two holes. Connor Foster: Two holes. What? Dreama Little: Two holes. Connor Foster: Oh. (He injects Happy again.) (Cut to: Connor carries Happy's body.) Connor: And then I went and I dumped his body into the culvert. Me, by myself. (Connor runs away.) (End of flashback.) [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - NIGHT] (Grissom, Catherine and Nick look over the photos.) Grissom: Right now the DA's not sure who he's going to charge. What he needs from us is the most accurate timeline we can provide. Catherine: Well, according to Tox, the hemolytic component of the venom had time to break down tissue, which means that it had to have been in his system at least a few hours. Grissom: So the fake snake bite is around 1:00. (Quick flashback of: Happy is down in the culvert. His eyes open and he wakes up.) Grissom: (V.O.) Happy's down ... but not out. (Happy gets up and climbs out of the culvert.) (End of flashback.) Nick: Well, that gets Dreama and Connor for attempted murder with conspiracy to commit. Grissom: And earlier that night, Binky fed Doris some jumbo tiger shrimp, -- (Quick flash of: [INT. SUGAR CANE RANCH] Happy is in the hallway.) Grissom: (V.O.) -- knowing that she'd eventually find Happy for round two. Happy: (shouts) Dreama! (Doris steps out into the hallway.) Happy: Oye, mamita. I don't feel too good. Doris: Come here, baby. I know what you need. I'm going to make you feel all better. Come to Doris, baby. (Doris leads Happy into one of the rooms.) (End of flashback.) Catherine: Doris administers some very special first aid ... and Happy's little soldier swells to battalion size. Nick: Babinkian knew about that shellfish allergy -- that's intent, right? Grissom: In any event, Binky and Doris lawyered up. They're sticking together. Catherine: How romantic. So, now Happy is not so happy, because he'd heading into anaphylactic shock. (Quick flashback to: Happy staggers out into the night. His neck is swollen as he heads for his trailer.) Grissom: According to Narco, Happy had epinephrine in his trailer, which is probably what he was trying to get to in round two. (Connor fires the arrow and hits Happy in the throat. He aims for a second shot. Happy turns around and sees him.) (Connor tries to put in the second arrow and instead, turns and runs away.) (Happy runs to his trailer.) Nick: (V.O.) That's assault with a deadly weapon. Grissom: (V.O.) But not necessarily murder. (End of flashback.) Nick: So the field tracheotomy buys un-Happy enough time to get the epi. (Quick flashback to: Happy reaches his trailer and enters. He looks for the medicine and sticks himself in the leg. He sighs with relief and collapses on the floor.) (End of flashback.) Catherine: At this point, you'd think he would've just called it a night. Watched a little TV, hit the sack, but no. (Quick flashback to: Happy gets up again.) Happy: Dreama. I'm going to get you, you little bitch. (Cut to: Happy opens Dreama's room door and she hits him in the head with the crowbar.) (He turns and runs away.) (End of flashback.) Grissom: Which brings us to round four. (Quick flashback to: Happy staggers over to the pool. He sits down in the lawn chair, picks up a cigarette from the ground and lights it. He inhales. The smoke escapes out the holes in his neck.) (Happy takes a moment and just sits there.) (Then the lawn chair's broken leg gives way under him. Happy falls into the swimming pool with a SPLASH!) (End of flashback.) Grissom: The TKO. Nick: You do know what a good defense attorney is going to say to all this, don't you? Catherine: What? Nick: The lawn chair did it. (Catherine turns and shares a smile with Grissom.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT] (Robbins is typing up his final report.) (He types: SNAKE VENOM PUNCTURES.) INTERCUT WITH: [MORGUE DRAWER] (Happy is on the drawer and is pushed into the morgue cabinet. The cabinet door slams shut.) (Robbins continues typing.) 1A. First: LORENZO 1B. Last: MORALES 22. DEATH WAS CAUSED BY: UNKNOWN/ CARDIAC ARREST (Robbins shakes his head.) (Under: DUE TO, OR AS A CONSEQUENCE: (He types: FELL OFF A CHAIR (He continues typing: (Under: OTHER CONDITIONS: (He types: CONTUSION BFT - CROWBAR TRACHEA PUNCTURES CROSSBOW ANAPHYLAXSIS SHELLFISH (Robbins sighs as he continues typing - URETHRA - P.O.E. GENITALS DISTENDED (And as Robbins continues to type, we --
Plan: A: the murderer; Q: Who did the team try to identify? A: prostitutes; Q: What group of people detested the boxer? A: the team; Q: Who must establish which of several life-threatening acts enacted against the boxer that night actually killed him? Summary: In their attempt to identify the murderer of a has-been boxer who lived among a group of prostitutes who detested him, the team must establish which one of several life-threatening acts enacted against him that night actually killed him.
In a mall change room, Darcy is trying on a bikini and Spinner walks in on her Darcy: Spinner what are you doing? Spinner: Shh. Darcy: Someone needs a time out. Spinner: Someone's always getting a timeout. Darcy: So what do you think? It's for Friendship Club. Spinner: You're wearing a bikini to Friendship Club? You're gonna give poor baby Jesus a heartattack. Darcy: You know you shouldn't talk like that. Besides I meant for the camping trip this weekend. Spinner: Oh right. Camping with your bible buddies. So glad I'm missing that. Darcy: Spinner! You said you'd come. Spinner: Was I high at the time? (Spinner walks out of the store and sees Jay.) Jay: Spin what's up? You in there shopping for some nice new miniskirts? Spinner: Nah man. Checking out some man thongs. Jay: Ooh. Oh hey you missed a hell of a party Friday night. People were asking about you. Darcy: Jay. They let you out on parole? Jay: Time off for good behaviour. Oh hey Nuns 'R Us is having a black and white sale. You should really check that out. Spinner: Funny. You guys always have to do this? Jay: Oh hey Spin this weekend we're having a party in the ravine. We're getting a keg. Spinner: Dude I am so there...possibly...maybe...we'll see. Jay: Well you let me know when she makes up your mind for you. At Friendship Club meeting Linus: So we're all sinners, but you know if we accept Jesus into our hearts we'll be free. Spinner: But wait a sec. If we're all sinners then what can Jesus do? Kim: He can forgive you. Linus: Exactly and you know that way you'll get entrance to Heaven. Spinner: Yeah, but there are good people out there who don't believe in Jesus. What do they just go to Hell? (The bell rings.) Linus: Listen Spinner. That was a great debate. I'm looking forward to some more. Say uh tomorrow at the retreat? Spinner: Yeah um about that. I have plans to worship with a friend. Linus: That's great. Is your friend a believer? Spinner: Yeah he believes in things...like beer. In the media immersion room Jimmy: I come bearing morning bagels. Hazel: I've got our coffees. Two creams for you, two sugars for me. Jimmy: Okay Hazel. What's the big secret? Hazel: This summer, road trip! We hit the southern US of A! Orlando, Memphis, Atlanta. All summer! Ellie: All summer. Wow that's...that's great. Ms. Hatzilakos: (On the TV announcements) A year ago today tragedy struck Degrassi and since that day we've become a different school. Zero tolerance for bullying and an open door policy for student concerns. We did this together. (It flashes back to the year before.) Spinner: Jay listen. Raditch knows man! Jay: About Jimmy? Yeah I'm surprised nobody's figured it out yet. Jimmy set the whole thing up perfectly. (Jimmy is shown walking away from Rick and then getting shot.) Rick: You pretended to be my friend! (It flashes back to the present and Spinner looks at pictures of him and Darcy.) Ms. Hatzilakos: (On the TV announcements) I'd like to announce that out of the many proposals submitted, the winner is a new mural to be painted by Jimmy Brooks. Paige: That's amazing. Hazel: I didn't know you submitted a proposal. Jimmy: Actually it's, it's all on Ellie. She talked me into it. Hazel: Gee all these plans that I didn't know about. Ellie: Well Jimmy's such a good artist and with the shooting...we just thought it was right. Craig: Good job man. Jimmy: Thank you. Paige: So tell me when did Jimmy and Ellie become a 'we'? At Spinner's locker, Spinner finds a note that says 'I believe in you. Darcy' Craig: Someone left you a card. How sweet. Spinner: It's a note man, from my girlfriend. Hey Jimmy congratulations man, eh? Listen I want to help out. If there's anything I can do, whatever! Marco: Probably not a good idea Spin. Spinner: Come on guys. Let me help out! Jimmy: Look when I said you were dead to me I meant forever. You don't exist. At the Dot Jay: So this weekend you, me, dozens of horny honey's and an ice cold keg of beer sound good? Spinner: Dude do you ever think about what happened with you know the shooting, with Rick? Jay: Sure I do. Way I see it, we did the world a favor. Spinner: And Jimmy. We helped him too, right? Jay: Spin what are you doing? You're getting yourself all depressed. You got school for that. What you need is to get your mind off the depressing crap. Have some fun. Spinner: Dude you are so right. Outside Degrassi, Friendship Club is getting ready for camping Spinner: Hey um is my name still on the sign up sheet? Look under uh, I for Idiot. Darcy: I don't know Spin. There's volleyball, barbeque...I don't think you can handle it. (Spinner picks Darcy up playfully.) Spinner: Don't think I can handle it, what are you talking about?! At the camp grounds, Spinner and Linus are setting up a volleyball net Spinner: Well alright. Um so if I'm not on your team that puts me on the winning team right? Linus: That's funny. (Darcy waves at Spinner.) Linus: Lucky man. Spinner: Yeah. You're not hurting. (Kim waves at Linus.) Linus: Kim's my life. (He holds up his hand and shows a ring.) Spinner: Dude you're married? Linus: Married? No. No this is a, this is a pre-engagement ring. We gave them to each other last year when we pledged our abstinence. Spinner: So you willingly gave up...with her? Linus: Spinner, Kim and I love each other and we love Jesus. This is really the best way to show it man. Spinner: Yeah, but if Jesus didn't want us to have s*x he'd make every girl look like Quasimodo's sister. I mean... Linus: Relationships are not only about s*x. They're about spiritual connectedness man, come on. At the mural, Jimmy and Ellie are painting Ellie: So road trip this summer? Guess we'll put those art class on hold. Jimmy: I guess so. Ellie: I have a summer job anyway. There's this tiny comic book company...doing their website. Jimmy: You're kidding. That's amazing. Ellie: It's a job. I was gonna hire you to do the artwork, but whatev. (Hazel walks over to them.) Jimmy: Hazel! I did not know you were coming, but so glad to have you here. Marco: Okay the fountain's down and I am parched. Paige: And someone has got to wash these brushes. Marco and Paige: Ew! Hazel: Looks like this project could use a little more organization. Marco I have a case of water in my car. Why don't you go get it? Paige I'll wash these brushes...and Ellie why don't you keep doing what you're doing. [SCENE_BREAK] At the camping trip, Linus is playing his guitar Linus: Alright guys. Okay before I sing this song I want to talk about something. Fear. Spinner what scares you most? Spinner: Ms. Kwan? Linus: Be serious. Melinda? Melinda: I'm scared of dying. Kim: But why Melinda? I mean if you're forgiven by Jesus you'll go to Heaven. Linus: Yeah, but what if you die before you make peace. So before Jesus could forgive you? Kim: You'd go to hell. Linus: How do you feel about that Spinner? How do you feel? Don't you have uh anything you want to be forgiven for? Spinner: No. Not particulary. Linus: What about your friend Jimmy? What about him? Spinner: Nice Darcy. No brainwashing huh? (Spinner storms away and Darcy follows him.) Darcy: Spin I didn't tell him anything. Spinner: Yeah then how'd he know Darcy? He psychic? Darcy: I guess I mentioned it to Kim. Spinner: Oh that's great. Just spill my most private secrets to everybody. Darcy: Who are you calling? Spinner: Jay. My friend. I'm out of here. Darcy: Spinner please! I'm sorry that Linus ambushed you. He shouldn't have. It was a mistake. Spinner: No this weekend was a mistake. This, this whole relationship is a mistake. *On his cell phone* Jay what's up man? Um... At the retreat, Jay drives up in his car Spinner: It's about time buddy. Let's go! Jay: Sweet mother Mary. Who knew Christian girls could be so hot? Spinner: Yeah, but trust me this place is no party. Jay: Not yet. Spinner: No, no, no, no, no, no. What are you doing? Jay: I just drove two hours for you. At least let me join your Christian friends for a tasty hot dog or a cool, refreshing beverage. Spinner: One hot dog. Beer stays in the car, your mouth stays shut and something else stays in your pants. Clear? Jay: I don't know. Let me pray on it. Back at the mural Hazel: How come nothing rhymes with orange? It's such a lonely word. Jimmy: And what's not a lonely word? Hazel: Hazel 'cause it goes so perfectly with Jimmy. Jimmy: That doesn't even rhyme. So Ellie, this comic book website are you gonna use flash? Ellie: Uh it's all customized, but I'm also putting together templates. Hazel: I really like the Crimson Kid...Flash. The Crimson Kid. You guys were talking about comic books right? I've been reading up. Ellie: Um we're talking about flash animation. It's a computer thing. It's complicated. Hazel: Right and I wouldn't get that. Back at the retreat, Jay is talking to Melinda Jay: My dad just couldn't take it anymore so he took off on his hog. Melinda: And your mom, was she okay? Jay: Well I helped her through her painkiller addiction, but once she was in drug rehab it was like, like I was addicted. Addicted to helping people. Melinda: Really? Jay: Yeah. Melinda: So that's when you left school? Jay: And headed down to South America. Yes to the mountains of Ecuador. I built a church and a one room school and a well. It just felt so good you know? Spinner: Jay is quite the storyteller. Darcy: Yeah and Melinda's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Spinner: Hey listen I'm sorry for what I said before. I didn't mean it. (Darcy kisses him.) Darcy: I can party too you know, so don't think I'm a complete loser. Spinner: I don't think you're a loser. I think you're great. Jay: I just, I really feel like I can talk to you, you know? Just not here. Melinda: Let's go someplace private. Spinner: Jay can I talk to you? Just for a sec. Jay: Spinner slow down. I was just about to re-define bible thumping. Spinner: No man you were just about to take a hike. Jay: Praise the lord. God those freaks really got to you. Spinner: Have you always been this stupid or am I just noticing it now? Jay: Man ever since you met miss WWJD I don't even know who you are anymore. I mean what kind of a hold does she have on you anyways? Is she that good in bed? Spinner: It's not like that man. We don't...we don't even have s*x. Jay: No s*x? Nothing? Are you kidding me? What's her problem? Spinner: She believes in something alright? Is that impossible for you to get into your twisted little brain? Jay: No. Look whatever. I just want you to be happy. (Darcy walks over holding a couple beers.) Darcy: Hope you don't mind. I scooped these from your car. Jay: Mind? No I wasn't going anywhere. Darcy: Sometimes you gotta bend the rules. Just a little. (The three of them play frisbee while Spinner and Jay drink.) Spinner: Oh nice catch. Nice catch. Jay: Darcy you gonna partake? Darcy: Ugh it tastes like barf. Spinner: You've tried beer? Darcy: Yeah a bit too much of it one night. Ages ago. Hense, tastes like barf. Jay: Well cheers to that. Looks like we're gonna need another round. Darcy: I'll get it. Spinner: No. No no. I'll go. Jay: So underneath that nun's habit lies a living, breathing girl. Who knew? Darcy: Spinner. Jay: Yeah right, Spinner. He's all about you these days. I've never seen him like this, not about anybody. Darcy: Not Manny, Paige? Jay: Oh no he told me you're way better than Paige or Manny. The thing is- Darcy: What? Jay: It's Manny. She's moving in on him. Darcy: What? I thought she was with Craig. Jay: She wants something on the side with Spinner. I'm talking s*x. He keeps trying to fight her off, but how long can he keep fighting? I mean he's a guy and well if he doesn't get something soon, then game over. Look it's just like you said Darcy, sometimes you gotta bend the rules. (She takes a swig of beer and looks at Jay.) At the mural, Hazel is looking at it and sees one of the people is drawn to look like Ellie Hazel: You've got to be kidding me. (She walks over to Jimmy and throws orange paint on him.) At the campgrounds Spinner: Dude I got round two. Jay: Your lady awaits. (Jay takes a beer and walks away from him as Spinner walks over to Darcy.) Spinner: Hey. What's going on? (She pulls him down and starts kissing him.) Spinner: On second thought, no need to explain. (Darcy takes off her shirt and starts pulling down her bathing suit top Spinner: Darcy. I love you. (He kisses her as she starts crying.) Spinner: Are you okay? Darcy: I'm fine. Keep going. Spinner: Hey, hey what's wrong? What's wrong? Darcy: It's okay. Jay told me about Manny. About everything. Spinner: Wait. Wait! What Manny? I haven't spoken to Manny in like a year! Okay. Start at the beginning. What did Jay tell you exactly? (Jay is playing volleyball and Spinner walks over to him.) Jay: Oh! Oh! Who is your saviour now?! (Spinner punches Jay repeatedly and pushes him to the ground.) Jay: Spinner! Spinner: Why'd you do it? Jay: You said you wanted some action. I was just trying to help you get it. Spinner: No you just wanted to ruin it like you've ruined everything in my life. Jimmy and now Darcy. Jay: Oh yeah! Oh yeah I'm the devil. I'm the evil lowdown sinner. Somebody save me! Spinner: You know what? Get out of here. I never want to see you again, ever. Go! Go! (Jay leaves.) Outside Degrassi Hazel: So this whole thing, this mural. This was all about her? Jimmy: Of course not! I didn't even mean for that girl to be Ellie. I guess it looks a little bit like her- Hazel: A little bit? Jimmy that's her face, to a tee! Jimmy: I can paint it over. Hazel: That's not the point. Why did you paint it in the first place? Obviously you like her. Be honest. Jimmy: Okay Hazel look. I love you, but Ellie she...she inspires me. Hazel: I so did not need to hear that. Jimmy: Well you wanted honesty. I'm being honest! Hazel: No you're being a coward and if you won't say it, then I will. So here it is Jimmy. Ready? We're through. Back at the retreat Spinner: I'm sorry. For bringing Jay here. For what he said. For everything. Darcy: It's not your fault. You were trying to be his friend. His only friend because PS: he's a jerk. I love you Spin. Spinner: You shouldn't. I hurt everyone. You, Jimmy...I'm, I'm not worth it. Darcy: You are. I know it. Jesus knows it. Spinner: How can Jesus forgive someone who got his best friend shot? Darcy: Because he just does. All you need to do is believe. Spinner: It's too late. Darcy: No, it's not. We'll find Jesus together, okay? Spinner: Okay. Scenes for next week Paige: (To the camera) I think I like someone. Someone I'm not supposed to like. Voiceover: A movie premiere descends on Degrassi. Paige: Could you spare a teensy weensy extra golden ticket Mr. Smith, please for my friend? Voiceover: And Paige's new friendship... Alex: About before... Paige: We were just having fun. No big deal right? Voiceover: ...get's complicated. (Paige and Alex lean towards each other about to kiss.)
Plan: A: The one-year anniversary; Q: What anniversary of the school shooting opens up old wounds for everyone involved? A: Spinner; Q: Who goes with Darcy to the Friendship Club's annual retreat? A: his demons; Q: What does Spinner have to deal with at the Friendship Club's annual retreat? A: Jimmy; Q: Who has to decide what direction he wants to take when it comes to Hazel and Ellie? Summary: The one-year anniversary of the school shooting opens up old wounds for everyone involved. Spinner goes with Darcy to the Friendship Club's annual retreat, where he has to deal with his demons. Jimmy has to choose what direction he wants to take when it comes to Hazel and Ellie.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously, on Veronica Mars... Tom Griffith reports to Lamb in 206 Rat Saw God. DR GRIFFITH: I have information about that Mexican kid who got killed. I'm the one who made the anonymous call from the bridge. Logan is arrested at Gia's election night party, held in Duncan's suite. SACKS: You're under arrest for the murder of Felix Toombs. LOGAN: Ooh, I am having the weirdest dçjà vu. The bikers bitch as they walk down the hallway at Neptune High. HECTOR: Logan made bail in like two minutes. WEEVIL: Maybe it is time we did something about Logan Echolls. Veronica questions Weevil in 204 Green-Eyed Monster. WEEVIL: The Fitzpatricks are meth-head lunatics, but they're not gonna kill a bus full of kids over three grand. Their problem with Cervando woulda been solved in an alley with a baseball bat. Veronica searches for Meg's room at the hospital, not realising that Duncan is behind her. DUNCAN: Veronica? VERONICA: Duncan? How's Meg? Cut to later as the Mannings confront Duncan and Veronica. MR MANNING: If you really cared about Meg, she wouldn't have been on that bus. End previouslies. DREAM. White-gauzed and perfect, Meg faces and addresses the camera. MEG: Do you love me? Did you ever love me? On the bus, my life didn't flash before me. You did. Our first kiss. The last perfect moment we had together. Remember? On the beach. Meg, dressed in white, is sitting in a white chair. A dark figure skates past her. VERONICA: [derisory] Please. MEG: You promised me. You made promises. You could save me. All you have to do is want to. Veronica, on roller skates and dressed vampily in black, leans over Meg from the back of the chair. She addresses the camera. VERONICA: I've heard enough. Have you heard enough? MEG: What does she have? What does she have that I ha- Veronica cuts Meg off with a gag. VERONICA: Well, I'M conscious. And that's just for starters. Veronica moves past Meg, walking close to the camera. VERONICA: Is that really what you want? Teddy bears and mash notes. Grow up. [coldly] Grow up and get over it. Veronica draws back her arm, bringing it forward in a hard, backhanded slap. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, PRESIDENTIAL SUITE. Duncan jerks awake, confused and disoriented. He is on the sofa. Veronica and Logan are talking softly. Duncan blinks, trying to clear his head. VERONICA: [offscreen] All I'm saying is, I followed him into the cigar shop, he bought some cigars, and he left. LOGAN: {?} didn't your dad say... Veronica and Logan are leaning against the wall, near the entrance to the suite. LOGAN:...the cigar store is a front for drug dealers, I mean, that's gotta be something. VERONICA: Or not. Sometimes a cigar store is just a cigar store. LOGAN: Well I'll remember to be quippy when you're looking at twenty to life. VERONICA: Oh, you're being a jackass. Must be an even-numbered day. I do so prefer the odd-numbered days when you're kissing my ass for a favour. LOGAN: Well you find out why this plastic surgeon is trying to get me sent away for killing Felix and I will make sure that all even-numbered days are removed from the calendar. Veronica glances over at the couch. Duncan is gone. VERONICA: Did Duncan go to bed? LOGAN: [impatiently] Yes. And he wanted me to tell you to give me your undivided attention. Pretend for a moment that your dog's life is at stake. Hey. Hey, maybe this so-called doctor is a pipeline to prescription drugs. That's how my paediatrician lost his license. VERONICA: Well, it's pretty easy to check on something like that. In his bedroom, Duncan can hear the murmur of their continued conversation, which he ignores. He has an envelope in his hands, presumably the one he took from Meg's air vent in 207 Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner. It is a small envelope, addressed: Meg Manning 23 Emperor Ct Neptune, CA 90909. (Note: this address was used before, for the Fullers in 117 Kane and Abel's and a similar address for Kane Software in 205 Blast from the Past, where it was "Emperior.") There is a return address: Chris Talley 5344 Fauntleroy Ave Seattle, WA 98144. There is a stamp and a postmark of which "Washington" and "2005" can be made out. Duncan turns the envelope over. Written on the back is "Private and Confidential this means you!" (The envelope appeared to be blank when Duncan retrieved it from the air vent.) The envelope is unopened. Duncan casts a glance towards the lounge where Veronica and Logan continue to talk. He thinks for a moment and then puts the envelope in a drawer. VERONICA: [offscreen] I found something. LOGAN: [offscreen] What is it? Back in the lounge, Veronica has the laptop working. A screen shows a page from ethical MEDICAL.net, described as a free resource for holding physicians accountable. A menu offers the choices of EM Home, Research, Certified, Journals, Physicians and Contact, and there is a search box. The page Veronica has is headed "Latest News, November 17, 2005 Board of Doctors to Approve New Treatment for Cancer." An article by Sunil Patel (a marsinvestigations.net team member) follows: "As of late Tuesday, the preemptive [sic] approval by the Canadian Board of Obstructionists met with wide support in the adoption of the leading American Board of Doctors' recommendations for treating acute palidermal cancer growth. The controversial new treatment has received its harshest criticism from the Journal of Medicinal Maiz which contends that the Board has pushed through the new treatment for purely monetary gains and with no altruistic purpose. Read more." VERONICA: Well, the eM website lists any disciplinary actions taken against its members. Veronica is sitting on the sofa. Logan is sitting on the back of the sofa behind her, looking over her shoulder at the screen. Veronica moves to the page for Dr Griffith. He is listed as "Griffith, MD, FACS, Thomas L." It states that he is the proprietor of Neptune Cosmetic Enhancement of 6783 Highland Drive, Neptune, CA 90909, phone (619) 555-0196. There follows a list of his educational achievements, from his obtaining his Bachelor of Sciences in 1989 at State University of California to his Certificate of Microsurgery in 2000. Listed under both Education and Awards are a 2001 Citation of Achievement from the General Assembly of Surgeons in 2001 and a Humanitarian Award from Children First Medical Safaris in 2003. VERONICA: Apparently, Dr Griffith was reprimanded. The final entry is under the heading "Disciplinary Action." Dated 2003, the entry reads: "Danny Boyd v Thomas L Griffith, MD, FACS. Charge: Inappropriate off-site practice" MDM article...Sentence: Probation, $5,000 fine." VERONICA: Something about an inappropriate off-site practice. Patient's name is...Danny Boyd. LOGAN: What does that mean? VERONICA: I don't know. But I'll check it out tomorrow. EXT - NEPTUNE HIGH SCHOOL (NHS), CAR PARK - DAY. A posh car pulls up next to Weevil, who is standing next to his bike, removing his gloves. The 09er driving calls out to him. WANNA SCORE BOY: Hey man, uh, you got the stuff in yet? He gets out of the car as Weevil turns to look at him. WANNA SCORE BOY: I'm, like, wondering if I need to take my business elsewhere. WEEVIL: What stuff? WANNA SCORE BOY: I, uh, ordered an eight-ball. WEEVIL: Coke? Who am I, John DeLorian? Weevil looks around. WEEVIL: I never sold coke to you, man. Weevil suddenly grabs the boys' shirt, pulling hard enough to rip off all the buttons as he looks for the wire. WANNA SCORE BOY: Hey, this is a two-hundred dollar shirt, man. Weevil lets go, pushing the boy back a little. WEEVIL: Really? It's missin' some buttons. WANNA SCORE BOY: Hey, come on, don't jerk me around. I paid one of you biker guys. WEEVIL: Oh yeah? Describe this biker guy you paid. WANNA SCORE BOY: I dunno, he was...you know. Brown. Weevil shakes his head. He turns his attention to the hubcaps on the boy's car. WEEVIL: Hey. Those are nice rims. You know, I was thinking about gettin' me some just like those. The boy nods happily until he realises that "those" might be exactly the ones that Weevil intends to get. He backs away, triggers the car alarm and leaves. Weevil smiles a crafty smile, satisfied in how he has treated the boy. The smile fades however as he considers what the boy has said. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS (MI) - DAY. A couple are in Keith's office. CARLOS: Our son Marcos was one of the students killed in the bus crash. Keith leans forward, offering a box of tissues to the woman, who is crying softly. KEITH: I am truly sorry. CARLOS: For the past three months, we've been grieving. Tr-trying to put our lives back together again. He-he was our only child. Our pride and joy. KEITH: I can only imagine how difficult that must be. CARLOS: Then try to imagine if someone was doing their best not to let you forget. KEITH: I'm not sure I understand. CARLOS: We're being harassed, Mr Mars. Someone is breaking into our house and leaving these. Carlos puts a toy school bus on Keith's desk. KEITH: Well, that's horrible. CARLOS: We'll come home, and the house will smell like the cologne that Marcos used to wear. Marcos's pictures will be turned around in their frames. That's not the worst part. We've been getting messages on our voicemail from our son. We don't believe in ghosts, Mr Mars. Our son is dead. Maria sobs. CARLOS: The messages are just...nonsense. Old recordings of Marcos. MARIA: We should just take Ned's offer, Carlos, and sell the house. We have nothing keeping us here. CARLOS: We don't run, Maria. That's not us. KEITH: So, I'm assuming you want me to find out who's been harassing you. CARLOS: Oh, I know who's harassing us. I want you to find the proof. EXT - NEPTUNE STREET - DAY. Logan's Xterra pulls up in front of a house. Veronica is in the passenger seat. They both look out at a small rundown house with an old, cushionless sofa leaning against the wall. VERONICA: This is it. LOGAN: The owner of this dump sprung for plastic surgery? Logan switches off the engine, takes the keys and opens the door, starting to get out of the car. VERONICA: Hm. Uh-uh, you're staying here. Logan pauses and looks back at her. VERONICA: This takes a certain subtlety. Veronica gets out of the car. She turns back and addresses Logan through the open window of the passenger's side. VERONICA: But if I need anyone punched in the face, I'll whistle for ya. Logan isn't overly happy but sighs and remains in the driver's seat, closing the door. Veronica reaches the door of the house and knocks on the screen door. A tattooed man in a wife-beater, carrying a large can of beer, opens the door. VERONICA: Danny Boyd? DANNY: Yeah? He grins. VERONICA: My name is Laurie Zachs DANNY: Oh, I don't need to know your name, honey, just...tell me you're eighteen. He looks her up and down in a lascivious manner. VERONICA: Actually... DANNY: Oh, who's kiddin' who. Like I care. VERONICA: Okay. Uh, the reason I'm here...I was considering having Doctor Tom Griffith perform a, a surgical procedure on me and I'm one of those people who really likes to check a doctor out. DANNY: Doctor Griffith, huh? He's a good man, but I wouldn't go getting too crazy, 'cause you don't need very much work done, you know, I mean, besides the obvious. He points at her chest. VERONICA: Yeah, thanks. Um, I noticed he was given a medical reprimand for a procedure he did on you, and I just wanted to see... DANNY: He get in trouble for that? VERONICA: I'm guessing it had to do with your face. He laughs and points at his face. DANNY: Huh. You'd think, huh? No. Come on, I'll show ya. Danny steps out of the house. He heads off around the corner of the house. After a brief glance at the Xterra, Veronica follows. They pass washing hanging out on a line and a fierce pit bull, chained in the garden. They go through the back, into an alley, then through a back door. Music is blaring from the premises. There is a full skip by the back door and lots of empty beer boxes. On the wall by the door is a warning not to park (tow away). Veronica looks around warily before following Danny through the door. INT - RIVER STIX - CONTINUING. Music: Jailbreak by Thin Lizzy. LYRICS: Tonight there's gonna be a breakout Into the city zones Don't you dare to try and stop us No one could for long Searchlight on my trail Tonight's the night all systems fail Hey you good lookin' female Come here! Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak Somewhere in the town Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak So don't you be around Tonight there's gonna be trouble I'm gonna find myself in Tonight there's gonna be trouble So woman stay with a friend A sign on one wall states that no person under twenty-one are allowed. Surrounding the back door through which they entered are small tri-colours of the Irish flag. On another wall, a full-sized County Wicklow flag, half blue, half yellow. At its centre is a divided dancette blue over green. Within the blue field, two oak branches are on either side of a lion guardant facing the fly, and on the green field is a white church-like structure. The words on the flag are Wicklow above the dancette and "Cill Mhantáin," the Irish name, underneath. In another corner, the walls are littered with sketches of tattoos and a tattoo artist sits under them, plying his trade. Over the bar, a sign declares that this is the River Stix, with the X created from two pool cues. The bar is dark and smoky, with people, mostly men, scattered throughout. Veronica pauses as she takes in where she is. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Great. I've walked right into the River Stix, home base for the Fighting Fitzpatricks, Neptune's first family of crime. DANNY: Come here. Danny walks further into the bar, shoving aside a man standing by one of two pool tables. DANNY: Come here. Check it out. Take a look. He taps on a stain on the baize of the pool table. DANNY: That's my blood. He giggles. DANNY: Can you dig that? Veronica looks warily from the stain to Danny. VERONICA: What happened? DANNY: It was a little barfight. Man, you should see the other guy. I got forty-five stitches. Danny pulls up the wife-beater to show off his stomach, and in particular, the deep scar of a knife slash across it. DANNY: Good as new. VERONICA: Plastic surgeon did that? DANNY: Yeah, well, I mean, he wasn't tryin' to make it look pretty, he was tryin' to stop the bleeding. Doctor Griffith's, uh... He doesn't have the words and shouts out across the bar. DANNY: Hey, Liam! Liam! A man sitting at the bar leans back to look at Danny. DANNY: What do you call the good doctor, what do you say, he's kinda like a friend of the family, type thing? Liam doesn't say anything but his eyes narrow as he sees Danny and Veronica. Danny carries on regardless, pointing back at a girl playing at the other pool table. DANNY: My niece Molly, she saw the blood, she got freaked out and she called an ambulance, I got three months in County. Veronica glances nervously at Liam who gets up from the bar and walks towards them. DANNY: I guess the doctor got in trouble too, huh? Oh well, all's well that ends well, right? I mean, it's a conversation piece, that's for sure. Danny thumps the stain as Liam approaches the other side of the pool table to them. LIAM: Who are you? DANNY: Uh, Laurie. Her name's- Liam doesn't want to hear it from Danny and addresses Veronica. LIAM: Who are you? VERONICA: Uh, I'm Laurie. DANNY: She's gettin', uh, some plastic surgery done- From behind them, Molly, who has been watching with interest, speaks up. MOLLY: Uh, her name's not Laurie. It's Veronica Mars, she goes to my school. Veronica twists around to look at Molly. MOLLY: She's Keith Mars' daughter. Veronica turns back to face Liam, playing abashed but clearly scared. VERONICA: Go Pirates. She laughs a little. LIAM: Veronica. Well, you're about to tell me the real reason you're askin' about Doctor Griffith. Liam leans forward on the pool table, threateningly. Danny, finally realising things are not as they seem, backs away slightly, moving behind her. LIAM: You lie to me again and you really will need a good plastic surgeon. Veronica gulps and nods. End music: Jailbreak by Thin Lizzy. Opening credits. INT - RIVER STIX - CONTINUING. Music: Dakota by the Stereophonics. LYRICS: Thinking about thinking of you Summertime think it was June Yeah think it was June Laying back, head on the grass Children grown having some laughs Yeah having some laughs. You made me feel like the one Made me feel like the one The one You made me feel like the one Made me feel like the one The one I don't know where we are going now I don't know where we are going now So take a look at me now So take a look at me now So take a look at me now So take a look at me now So take a look at me now So take a look at me now So take a look at me now So take a look at me now So take a look at me now So take a look at me now So take a look at me now So take a look at me now So take a look at me now So take a look at me now So take a look at me now Now Veronica's interrogation continues. LIAM: Tell me why you're here, Veronica. What? Someone send you? VERONICA: No, it's...it really is plastic surgery. I just didn't want to use my own name because it was too embarrassing. LIAM: You're a good liar. That's gonna make things so much tougher. Veronica backs away from the edge of the pool table, but Danny is waiting and grabs hold of her. Veronica twists and ducks, planting her taser in his stomach. As Danny goes down, Veronica runs. Liam pushes a stack of beers on a trolley at her. Veronica goes down. Liam walks up to her as she lies, flat on her back, waving the taser. Liam grabs her wrist and twists until she drops the taser with a cry of pain. With one hand still on her wrist, he used the other to grab her by her belt at the front of her jeans and lifts her bodily off the floor, swinging her in an arc and landing her on the pool table. One hand easily encompasses her neck. Veronica desperately tries to pull his arm away, to no avail. LIAM: Oh, all right then. That was fun! Veronica makes a choking sound. LIAM: But let's not stop there. Mark, Mark. The tattooist looks up from his work. LIAM: Bring it here. Mark (or Mock) puts the tattoo machine on a small trolley and wheels it to the pool table. Veronica is still struggling ineffectually under Liam's hold. Mark hands Liam the tool. LIAM: So what's it gonna be, Veronica? Hm? Liam holds it up so Veronica can see it and hear its buzzing. LIAM: Pink moon? Yellow stars? No? A green clover it is, then. He brings it close to her cheek. LIAM: So, I'm just gonna start in over here, and as soon as I hear something resembling the truth, I'll stop. LOGAN: Hey! Liam looks behind him. It's Logan, standing just inside the back of the bar. He is holding out his cell phone. LOGAN: I've got 9-1-1 on the line, who can give me the address here? There is laughter in the bar. LOGAN: No one? Logan brings the phone to his ear and speaks into it. LOGAN: Yeah, I've got one of those ankle monitors on, does that help? Yeah. The River Stix. There's blood everywhere. Logan folds up the phone. LOGAN: Hey Veronica, let's go. LIAM: Well, lads, let's see how much damage we can do in the next two minutes. Liam turns his head to address the bar. He does not see Logan pull out a gun tucked into his jeans at his waist. LOGAN: Stop! Liam jerks his head around and sees the gun, as do the others in the bar. Logan keeps the gun levelled at Liam. LOGAN: I've had a very bad year. MAN: Easy, boy. Logan takes a few seconds to weigh Logan up before releasing Veronica. She gasps for breath and then again when she rises up and sees the gun in Logan's hand. Veronica pushes herself off the pool table, grabs her bag off the floor and stands for a moment next to Logan, who slowly starts to back up towards the exit. MAN: Easy, Liam. Veronica races to and through the door as Logan walks steadily backwards. He and Liam exchange a look of recognition that this is not over before Logan drops his gun arm and turns to walk out. End music: Dakota by the Stereophonics. EXT - NORMAL HEIGHTS - DAY. The Xterra pulls up in the street. Both Veronica and Logan look shell-shocked. Logan casts a concerned look at Veronica who is about to lose it. She starts to cry and leans forward, her face in her hands. Logan is abject as he stares down at her. LOGAN: Hey, it's okay. Veronica sobs harder. Logan moves to put his hand on her back to comfort her. LOGAN: Look, you're gonna be okay. At his touch, Veronica jerks up, throwing off his hand and shouts at him. VERONICA: A gun, Logan?! A GUN? What are you doing with a gun? You're gonna get yourself killed, don't you understand that? LOGAN: Look, it's...look, it's not even loaded. VERONICA: Oh, I feel so much better. Logan sighs. He pulls it out and leans over to put it in the glove compartment. LOGAN: Dick's dad gave it to me. He said given my situation... VERONICA: Given your situation, you should just move out of Neptune. Veronica gets out of the car. Logan looks straight ahead as he pulls his foot up onto the seat, exposing the ankle tag. LOGAN: Yeah, well, no can do. Veronica gives a huff of frustration and slams the door shut, marching across the street as Logan stares after her. He swallows hard and looks devastated. INT - MI - DAY. The door slams as Veronica reaches her desk, still shaken and tearful. She brings her hands to her face. KEITH: Honey! Veronica drops her hands and quickly wipes away a tear, trying to pull herself together as Keith gets up from his desk to walk to the door of his office. KEITH: Did you know Marcos Oliveres? VERONICA: Um...should I? KEITH: Yeah, he was on the bus. Keith notices her state. KEITH: Hey, are you okay? Veronica nods and sniffs. VERONICA: Tough day. But yeah, I'm fine. Um, what about Marcos Oliveres? KEITH: His parents were just in. They're suing the school district for negligence over their son's death and since they filed the suit they've been harassed. VERONICA: Harassed? KEITH: Toy buses left in their house, their son's cologne lingering in the air, phone messages from their dead son on the machine. VERONICA: So what, the school district administration is harassing them to get them to drop their suit. KEITH: I'm sure those school administrators are a sinister and venal bunch, honey, but in my experience, most crime is personal. Not these, these weird conspiracies. VERONICA: Well, in my experience, that is exactly what THEY want you to think. KEITH: Well, all the same. Would you mind asking around about the kid? Veronica smiles. INT - NHS, TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY. Posters and flyers cover the walls, including a Movie Club flyer advertising an Aaron Echolls marathon. Most of the students are at computer screens around the walls of the room and a few are gathered at the news desk end as the latest anchor adjusts his tie. Veronica is standing in the middle of the room. VERONICA: Marcos Oliveres. No one? No one can tell me anything? He was in this class. It's for an article for the Navigator. Veronica looks around, puzzled at the lack of response. Finally, one of the students turns from his screen. RYAN: Here's the truth about Marcos: he never said anything to anyone. He just kind of goofed off with the equipment and kept to himself. No one really knew him. STUDENT: It's true. Veronica considers this. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Veronica sits in a chair, going through the yearbook. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Marcos Oliveres. Not pictured. What would it be like to be simply...forgotten? There is a ping from her computer. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Please be Wallace again, and please be more than the brush-off-y "I just need some time to think" he finally sent me yesterday. Veronica gets to her desk and looks at the laptop. She has five emails. The one showing is from Keith. "Subject: Pick up food for Backup. Date: November 19, 2005 3:26L32 PM PST. Hey sweetheart, I managed to forget some things at the store. Can you get Backup's food, some orange juice and call and let me know if you'll be home for some famous Mars-Mystery-Meatloaf. I promise not to use those onions you hate. Oh, and it won't be 'well done', unless requested of course. Love, Dad." Of the other emails, only the sender and subject lines can be seen: Weiss Ti.../please!!, Doctor/:), and kt echolls/lol ü. The final email, from ofnight, has no subject. VERONICA VOICEOVER: No such luck. Veronica opens the email from ofnight, dated the 20th at 9:34 PM and reads it to herself. VERONICA VOICEOVER: "I heard you're doing an article about Marcos. I figure you probably didn't get much information, so I wanted to send a note so at least you had one thing to quote. Marcos was great. Kinda shy, but really interesting once you got to know him. Sorry not to sign this, but I've got a jealous boyfriend who knew I..." KEITH: [offscreen and shouting] What? VERONICA VOICEOVER: "...liked him, so..." KEITH: [offscreen] This is the third time I called this week. Veronica gets up from her desk. Keith is stading in the kitchen, speaking on the phone. KEITH: I sent the damn thing back to you guys two weeks ago! Keith looks up as Veronica approaches and grins at her, giving a lie to his performance on the phone. KEITH: Look, I told the first person my name. Don't you talk to each other? You've got the serial number; you've got everything on those damn databanks! It's on the computer screen right in front of your face! It says WHAT? Keith is almost screaming at this point. He listens to the response. His manner changes abruptly. KEITH: [contrite] Oh. Sorry, my fault. Bye. Keith ends the call. VERONICA: Why must you make the tech support people cry? Keith shrugs. KEITH: Hm. I found this mp3 player taped under Mrs Oliveres' car playing a loop of her son's voice over her car radio. VERONICA: That's creepy. And...bizarre. KEITH: And it gets bizarre-er. This was paid for by the Neptune school district. Veronica nods and smiles in an "I told you so" kind of way. KEITH: You mind having a chat with the man tomorrow? VERONICA: And I'll visit tech support, too. Veronica grabs the mp3 and returns to her room. Keith grins. INT - NHS, ADMINISTRATION OFFICE - DAY. Clemmons strides through the door. Veronica hurries after him, continuing a pursuit that obviously started sometime before. VERONICA: It's just, we're doing an article for the Navigator on the parents' reaction to the bus crash. Clemmons pauses at the door to his office. CLEMMONS: Look, I'm just the Vice-Principal. Anything I say on the subject has to be cleared by the Principal, so... VERONICA: So you're just a powerless factotum and I should talk to Principal Moorehead? CLEMMONS: Yes. Exactly. Clemmons goes into his office, leaving Veronica to sigh and drum her fingers on the administration office counter. INT - NHS, PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY. Principal Alan Moorehead has a shiny name plate on a very nice mahogany or similar desk, sporting a small, expensive-looking globe pen-hold, a small cannon, what looks like a small statue of Napoleon and a leather blotter and other leather accessories. His credentials line the walls. His office is very different from Clemmons's. Moorehead himself is smooth, grey-haired and in a nice suit, a sort of Blake Carrington of Neptune High. Veronica listens carefully as he pontificates, taking notes. MOOREHEAD: It's a horrible tragedy. I sympathise with these families, I really do. We made settlement offers, but the Olivereses insist on suing. Now, if they win their suit, in the sum that they're asking for, we're talking no band, no art classes, fewer staff...so yes, we take this very seriously. VERONICA: You are aware that an mp3 player registered to the school was found broadcasting Marcos Oliveres' voice in his mother's car. Moorehead leans forward earnestly. MOOREHEAD: Now we would know nothing about that. He takes a business card out of his desk. MOOREHEAD: Now if you have further questions on the topic, I'll just refer you to the district's lawyers. He passes the card to Veronica. The card is for one Douglas Stern of Simon Stern, attorneys at law. The card is black with silver or white print. Taking up nearly half the card, on the left hand side, are the scales of justice, although the design is printed in such a way as to make it appear like the outline of a couple of pyramids. VERONICA: Simon and Stern. They're big. MOOREHEAD: As I said, we take this very seriously. INT - NHS, COMPUTER CLASSROOM - DAY. On one of the screens is a picture of the pyramids of Giza with the top of Khafre's pyramid blanked out to make it an unfinished pyramid. Over it is hand drawn a representation of the all-seeing eye. (American power in the Middle East? American vandalism in the Middle East? American money? The masons? Mars Investigations? MarsInvestigations.net? A plot point? Who knows?) Beyond the screen, Veronica is consulting tech support. VERONICA: So what I'm trying to figure out is, is there any way to tell where or when a recording was made? The mp3 plugged in, Mac moves her mouse around, staring at the screen. As it plays, Mac smiles, recognising the voice. MARCOS: [recording] Okay, folks, that's it for me, I'm out. MAC: Oh, hey, this guy? MARCOS: [recording] Don't hate me. VERONICA: You know him? MARCOS: [recording] Don't hate me, I'm trying to tell it like it is. MAC: It's Cap'n Krunk. MARCOS: [recording] Truth hurts. I'm out. VERONICA: Cap'n Krunk? MARCOS: [recording] I'm out. MAC: Yeah, he's one of the guys on "Ahoy, Mateys!" "Ahoy, Mateys!" - it's a pirate radio show, this-this weird sort of cult thing. There's these two guys, Cap'n Krunk and...Imitation Crab who just talked a lot of bizarre smack about Neptune High. If you knew about it, Cap'n Krunk's totally a star. VERONICA: Wait. We're talking about Marcos Oliveres. I can't find a single person at school who heard him talk and now you're telling me that he's the Howard Stern of Neptune High? MAC: You didn't want to get on Cap'n Krunk's bad side. He'd tear you a new one. CAP'N KRUNK: ...I'm trying to tell it like it is. Truth hurts. I'm out. Cut to a little later. Mac has pulled up the "Ahoy, Mateys!" website. In the background a theme song plays. Music: No More Guitars by the Secondhand Ska Kings. LYRICS: Goin to the club to check out the ladies Try to stay smooth but then what's the matter It's long haired dudes all playing their guitars And they're singing about how depressed all their friends are But there's no soul And that ain't- Whoever made the website was weak on grammar, making it "Ahoy Matey's." Cap'n Krunk and Imitation Crab are represented by cartoon pirate characters surrounded by nubile and scantily clad women. CAP'N KRUNK: Ahoy, Mateys! Five-forty on your AM dial. Listen, or walk my enormous plank. VERONICA: Oh, I get it. MAC: It's not all crotch-grabbing scatological man-humour. Mac moves to another screen which advises viewers to spin their dial to 520 AM Thursday nights and to "Catch all our Pirate Podcasts in archives!" MAC: There's a little something for everyone. VERONICA: Flatulent sound effects for me? MAC: And bitter tirades for me. Mac moves to another page. End music: No More Guitars by the Secondhand Ska Kings. This page list the archives: 04/28/05 006-Reasons Neptune Equals Hades 04/05/05 007-Jocks, Rocks, Docks: The Drowning 05/12/05 008-Van Clemmon's Torture: 101 05/09/05 009-Hedonistic History of Histrionics 05/26/05 010-Why Cafeteria Food Must Be Banned 06/02/05 011-Sloot 'R You 06/09/05 012-Job Had It Good 06/16/05 013-Bully Attacks: Why They Rock 06/23/05 014-Who's Our Hottest Prostitute? 06/30/05 015-Drug Users Are Honor Students 07/07/05 016-Krunk and Crab's Dirtiest Dozen 07/14/05 017-Ms Blank: Quit Your Day Job 07/21/05 018-Nerds: Get Laid or Get Lost 07/28/05 019-Peers Show Downsides of Incest 09/01/05 020-Habitual Ditch: Escaping Moorehead's Clutches 09/08/05 021-Using Your Looks to Fail 09/15/05 022-Guide to Getting Krunked 09/22/05 023-The Losing Battle: While You'll Always Be Fat. MAC: I'll download a few episodes for you. They air every Thursday. VERONICA: What's this four-week gap here? Veronica points on the screen to the absence of shows in August, between 019 and 020. MAC: Oh, they went on a little sabbatical. VERONICA: Do you know why? MAC: I suspect to torture me. Then they came back and Cap'n Krunk wasn't on anymore and it blew. So I stopped listening. VERONICA: The show's still on? MAC: A bastardized sub-par version of the show's still on. VERONICA: Any way to find out where they're broadcasting from? MAC: Yes. Mac pauses, staring at Veronica, who looks quizzically at Mac's failure to proceeds, nodding her head forward in an "and...?" MAC: Sorry, I was just seeing how long we could have a conversation with your side only being questions. Veronica scoffs, in as "As if" manner. MAC: We can track the signal. VERONICA: Wow. Veronica takes a breath to ask another question, then catches herself, thinking quickly how to rephrase it. VERONICA: I'd be interested to know if you had the capabilities to track said signal. Veronica nods her head in satisfaction as Mac narrows her eyes as she stares at her. Veronica realises the justification of Mac's earlier charge and they both laugh. MAC: Look, I'm happy to be the Q to your Bond, but crime pays. Technologically-assisted mystery solving? Costs. You wanna play find the crappy radio broadcast, momma's gonna need a few things from Radio Shack. Veronica holds up her hands, part shrug, part "you got me" and nods. Mac disconnects the mp3 player from her computer. MAC: Listen and love, my friend. Veronica stands and starts to listen. CAP'N KRUNK: And here it comes, Imitation Crab. CRAB: Arrr! CAP'N KRUNK: The winner of this week's cock... The camera circles Veronica to segue to EXT - NHS, LUNCH AREA - DAY. Veronica stands listening and watching those around her. CAP'N KRUNK: ...of the walk countdown. CRAB: Don't leave 'em hanging, Cap'n. CAP'N KRUNK: It's Logan Echolls! The camera pans round to Logan, stiting with a group of 09ers, having a laugh and pizza. CAP'N KRUNK: That's forty weeks running. Rosemary's baby: the teen years. If I was his mother, I'd kill myself too. CRAB: Seriously, Cap'n, you name your daughter Roxie... The camera catches a well-endowed girl sitting with four jocks. CRAB: ...it's guaranteed at some point she'll be showin' her cans for cash. CAP'N KRUNK: I'm saving up for that very day. CRAB: Or get a varsity jacket and four litres of wine cooler and you can see 'em for free! The camera alights on some cheerleaders and behind them, a boy sitting on his own, watching them. CRAB: Yeah, Becker's a date rapist, but in his defence, he's hideous and stupid, so meeting girls is hard! A girl is laughing with a boy. Her hand is stroking the inside of his thigh. CAP'N KRUNK: So it seems Taylor read the fine print on her abstinence pledge and found a few loop...something? Oh right, holes. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Cap'n Krunk bagged on everyone at school. So what if someone found out? Suddenly I've gone from trying to find out if anyone might have it in for Marcos to wondering if there's anyone at school who doesn't. CAP'N KRUNK: Duncan Kane. Duncan is also sitting on his own. He gets up to leave, in his own little world and not seeing Veronica. She watches him. CAP'N KRUNK: He can't be that rich and that pleasant without harbouring a dark secret. What do you think, Crab? Serial murderer? Puppy strangler? VERONICA VOICEOVER: Girlfriend ignorer? What's gotten into Duncan? INT - NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. Duncan's Ramones sticker seems to have made its way to Veronica's locker as it is in full view as she changes over some books. She's about to close her locker when a hand grabs the door. LOGAN: Hey, any news on nip/schmuck? VERONICA: It's pretty clear, isn't it? Our favourite plastic surgeon, for whatever reason, seems to be owned by the Fighting Fitzpatricks. LOGAN: Well, as far as I know I've done nothing to get their Irish up. VERONICA: And I'm working on the connections, okay? LOGAN: Hey, if you could exonerate me sometime soon, that'd be great. I really don't want a bottom bunk in Fisty McRapesalot's cell. VERONICA: You want a top, I'm sure it's negotiable. LOGAN: Help me, Mars-wan Kenobi, you're my only hope. Logan slaps the door of her locker with the back of his hand and walks off. Veronica thinks for a moment then sighs, slamming shut her locker. She semi-turns and sees Weevil leaning against a wall, watching her. A couple of flyers are on the wall behind him-an old one for the class of 2009's orientation, one for a group that meets on Thursdays at lunch and offers free pizza, and a third that seems to have been done by a child. Veronica walks over to him, her arms crossed over her midriff. VERONICA: I'm feeling the calculating stare, but where's the villainous hand-wringing and maniacal laugh? WEEVIL: You know, you should be nicer to me. VERONICA: Or you'll huff, and puff, and burn my house down? Weevil doesn't even blink. VERONICA: [angry] You lied to me. What are you, working for the Fitzpatricks now, is that it? WEEVIL: Lied? I'd be dead before I worked for those micks. VERONICA: Methed-up lunatics, I believe, is what you called them before, giving me the impression that you didn't get along so nice. So imagine my surprise when the new star witness in Felix's murder case turns out to be a Fitzpatrick puppet. This seems to surprise Weevil, although he gives nothing away. VERONICA: They're scratching your back. My question is, how are you scratching theirs? Veronica storms off. Weevil watches her and swallows hard. EXT - NEPTUNE STREETS - NIGHT. Veronica has a signal tracker in one hand and her cell phone in her other. VERONICA: Okay, I'm here, what do we do? Mac, on another street, is identically equipped. MAC: You got your signal dialled in, right? VERONICA: Yep. MAC: Okay, the station only has, like, a two-mile radius, so just keep walking in the direction that gives you the strongest signal. Both girls follow the signal on the their tracker and stay in touch by phone. VERONICA: Wait, what if nerd hunters drive by and tranq and tag me? MAC: That's a risk I'm willing to take. Veronica smiles. EXT - CLEARING - NIGHT. Weevil has gathered the troops who stand in a circle around him. WEEVIL: Now, I'm just checkin' somethin'. Am I still in charge here? Huh? The bikers mutter and nod. WEEVIL: 'Cause you see, a couple days ago, some 09er comes up to me to ask me where the coke is that he ordered. He says some brown-skinned biker sold it to him. And then a little birdie tells me that the witness who came forward in Logan Echolls' case was bought and paid for by the Fitzpatricks. And it gets me wondering...did the rules change? Huh? Are we in business with these potato-heads and I just don't know about it? Did somebody here try to make some extra cash? The bikers glance uncomfortably at each other. WEEVIL: It's now or never, boys. Weevil looks around at them. Thumper's eyes follow where Weevil glares. WEEVIL: Go on, get outta here. Go scare some old ladies or somethin'. The bikers disperse, muttering as they go. Thumper stays behind with Weevil as the others drive away. THUMPER: You really think someone's workin' for the micks? Look, I'm just asking. WEEVIL: The night Felix got killed. Did you see the guy who called the cops? THUMPER: No, man. WEEVIL: Why not? You were there. That's what you told me. That's what you told the cops. THUMPER: Yeah, but the cops didn't have the whole story. WEEVIL: Talk. FLASHBACK: EXT - CORONADO BRIDGE - NIGHT. The bikers pulls Logan off the edge of the bridge. They start to beat him. THUMPER: [offscreen] You went down, you were out. And after that, Felix was runnin' the show. FELIX: Thumper, you and Doddie get Weevil back to his house. Thumper and Hector looks at Felix, confused. FELIX: Go, you gotta get his bike home! HECTOR: Why don't you take it home? FELIX: 'Cause, we got a extra bike now, dawg. Thumper and a helmeted biker pick up the unconscious Weevil. FELIX: Sully, go get Cervando, he's at Texaco, you bring him back here, tell him to get Weevil's bike back to his place. Go! SULLY: Right. Sully, also helmeted, nods and takes off. Hector is kneeling down by the barely conscious Logan. Logan rolls over and tries to get up. HECTOR: You wanna jump? There's the edge, genius. FELIX: You know what I always wanted? My whole life? A bright yellow SUV... Felix bends down and pulls Logan back to flat on his back. He starts searching Logan's pockets. FELIX:...for my surfboard and my snowboard. Felix finds the keys and holds them up. Hector and another helmeted biker laugh. FELIX: Bitchin'! Unseen by any of them, Logan raises his hand. He has a knife. He stabs straight up, plunging it into Felix. Logan's other hand comes up to try and grab the keys. Felix falls and pulls Logan onto his side. Hector watches in shock and before he can do anything, he hears the loud horn of a truck coming towards them. Hector and the other biker race to their bikes and take off, leaving Weevil's bike, Logan and the Xterra on the bridge. END FLASHBACK AND RESUME. WEEVIL: [angry] You told me you saw it. THUMPER: Hector and Bootsy was there, what's the difference? That's what happened. Come on, Weevil. We needed as many guys as possible. One rich white boy's word against the two of us? Man, we didn't tell you to protect you. If you didn't know, you never have to lie. WEEVIL: One way or another, I'm getting to the bottom of this, okay? We're gonna find out what's true. EXT - NEPTUNE STREETS - NIGHT. Music: God Is In the Radio by Queens of the Stone Age. Veronica and Mac meet. VERONICA: The signal is strong here, strong like bull. MAC: I think it's coming from inside the house. VERONICA: Shall we? MAC: Let's! They head for the front door of a modest house. VERONICA: Excellent work as usual, Q. MAC: [English accent] Right back at you, Mr Bond. Veronica knocks at the door. MAC: You've got a plan, right? VERONICA: Ish. The door opens. It's Clemmons, in his bathrobe. He looks horrified, as do the girls. The lyrics kick in. LYRICS: I thought I saw him on the video Pause: God Is In the Radio by Queens of the Stone Age. CLEMMONS: Miss Mars. VERONICA: I'm glad we caught you at home. Would you mind if we used your phone? We're both in a bit of a hurry. Mac, though unimpressed so far with Veronica's plan, recognises Veronica's quote from "Rocky Horror" and follows up with the next line, after a quizzical look at Veronica. MAC: Right. Clemmons smiles and starts to close the door. VERONICA: Actually, we're here to see Butt-, uh, Vincent. Clemmons pauses. VERONICA: We have some, uh... Veronica does air quotes. VERONICA: ...homework questions. She points at Mac, implying that it is an excuse for Mac to see his son. Clemmons looks at Mac with interest. Mac looks at Veronica with something akin to hatred as Veronica smiles back indulgently. MAC: You are so... VERONICA: Dead, I know, whatever. You're the one who was all "Let's go see what Vincent's doing, I wonder what Vincent's up to." CLEMMONS: I'd greatly prefer if next time you would call first. Clemmons opens the door wider to let them in. VERONICA: Okay. Veronica marches in confidently. Mac follows, still gobsmacked at the role she is being forced to play. INT - CLEMMONS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Music resumes: God Is In the Radio by Queens of the Stone Age. As Clemmons leads them across the porch, Mac slaps Veronica's arm. Veronica nudges her back. Clemmons stops at a door and knocks. CLEMMONS: Son? Vincent! VINCENT: [offscreen] Um...private basement time, remember? Veronica and Mac giggle. CLEMMONS: You have visitors. Veronica Mars and her friend are here to see you. VINCENT: Tell them I'm not home. CLEMMONS: They're right here, son. Pause: God Is In the Radio by Queens of the Stone Age. The door is unlocked. Vincent pops his head out suspiciously. Veronica doesn't give him a chance to tell them to go away, barging through the door. VERONICA: Hey Vincent, whatcha doin'? CLEMMONS: If, uh, if the girls would like some snacks and soda... Clemmons smiles at Mac who grins back. Veronica goes down the basement stairs. VINCENT: Look, what are you doing here? VERONICA: Well we were hoping to bust a move, but the song's almost over. Veronica turns up her radio. Music resumes: God Is In the Radio by Queens of the Stone Age. She smiles at Vincent as Mac joins them. VINCENT: Look, I'm working on my models, so if the paint dries then the colour won't match. Mac looks down at the table on which many figures are set out. Veronica looks at the radio she is holding. End music: God Is In the Radio by Queens of the Stone Age. Vincent is agitated. VERONICA: Huh. Veronica holds the radio up to her ear. VERONICA: I wonder why they're not playing another song. Mac smirks. VINCENT: Look, I want you outta here. VERONICA: Why are you so...crabby? [SCENE_BREAK] Veronica uses her hand to imitate a crab. Mac moves behind Vincent and the shelving on which his models sit. There's a large table with a sheet thrown over it. Under the sheet, a red light can be seen blinking. MAC: Um, Butters, you're blankie's blinking. VINCENT: Uh. Vincent and Veronica follow. Veronica grabs the sheet and pulls it off. Underneath is the radio equipment. VERONICA: Hm. Vincent turns off the equipment. VERONICA: I have a theory. Wanna hear it? Here it goes. Vincent sits down, resigned to his fate. VERONICA: You and Marcos were buds, and then your dad found out about the radio show you two did together. And when the Oliveres family decided to sue, your dad made you a deal. He'd let you keep pumpin' up the volume, but he'd need recordings of Marcos, and a key to his house, and your radio knowledge... Vincent looks increasingly bemused until he can't hold it back. VINCENT: What? My-my dad doesn't know anything about the show. A vice-principal's kid ragging on the school? He would kill me. Veronica and Mac exchange a puzzled glance. VERONICA: Marcos quit the radio show more than a month before the bus crash. Why? VINCENT: He went to camp. It was out of the blue. He must've gotten tossed off by a pony 'cause he came back all weird. He called and said he wasn't doing the show anymore. VERONICA: Well, did you ask him why? VINCENT: Yeah. We got together for hot cocoa and cinnamon toast and talked all about his feelings. MAC: Oh! Like girls! Cap'n Krunk really elevated the comedy. VINCENT: All I know, is he quit. Then, the bus crashed, and I really didn't have a chance to ask him about it after that. Can you go now? Please? EXT - CLEMMONS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. The door closes behind Veronica and Mac. MAC: I really think he likes me. They walk away slowly. INT - MI - DAY. Veronica stands by some files, listening to Keith in his office. KEITH: [offscreen] And that's where the recordings of his voice come from. The camera pans round to show Keith is with Carlos Oliveres. Veronica can be seen in the background going slowly back to her desk. CARLOS: So he was on the radio? I-I guess that's the perfect place for a shy kid. I mean, that is pretty enterprising, huh? KEITH: He used the anonymity to poke fun at his classmates. It was sometimes a bit harsh, and it's possible he really offended some people. Enough to make them hold a grudge. CARLOS: Come on. Marcos died. You really think a kid's gonna pursue revenge on a classmate's grieving parents? KEITH: I had my daughter do a little digging at school, and she thinks something might have happened at summer camp that might have- CARLOS: I'm sorry, your daughter thinks? This isn't kids' stuff, this isn't about summer camp. It's about money. Those greedy sons of bitches at the district are trying to shut us up. Keith walks to the door to close it, giving Veronica a comforting glance as he does. KEITH: I just want to make sure that we look at every possibility. He shuts the door. CARLOS: [offscreen] Look. We've got three days to settle or drop this suit. Veronica drops her head, although she can still hear. In his office, Keith stands, listening to Carlos. CARLOS: Now, we know who's doing it; you just have to find something that proves it. Keith and Carlos come out of his office, Keith putting on his jacket. Carlos exits the office KEITH: I'm heading over to the Oliveres house. It's their bowling night, so I figured I'd do a little stakeout; see if I can't catch the guy in the act. VERONICA: Good luck. Keith follows Carlos out. Veronica looks down at the information she has collected. She has the Olivereses credit card details: Mastercard: 6321-126-6923-7829 and 6542-124-3299-9285, Visa: 1236-126-5896-9878, AMEX: 6331-556-8923-7899 and their Social Security numbers: 925-63-1278-Carlos, 987-55-7899-Maria and 912-55-7789-Marcos. She keys Carlos's name into Prying Eyez, together with his Mastercard number. VERONICA VOICEOVER: If Mr Oliveres doesn't think camp is important, he's forgetting how brutal teenagers can be. Onscreen, the credit card lookup return results are shown. In addition to the information Veronica already has, there's a date of birth for Carlos which is September 24, 1959 (same day as Aaron Echolls, hmmm). The billing address is shown as 4781 Adams Street, Neptune, CA, 98081. His credit card expires in June 2007 and his security code is restricted. His billing statement for the period of the month of July are set out: 07/01/05 Framingham Grocery $103.78 07/05/05 Divine Texts $24.42 07/06/05 Campaign Contribution RCCC Washington DC $50.00 07/06/05 Conoshow $31.07 07/10/05 Pet Treatz $41.43 07/14/05 Chimera Theatres$28.62 07/18/05 Framingham Grocery $113.41 07/19/05 Harbingers ID:99121DK $61.06 07/20/05 Crested Crane Restaurant $17.35 07/21/05 Conoshow $33.21 07/25/05 Framingham Grocery $98.18 07/29/05 Camp SelfQuest, Inc, Garden Valley, CA $320.00 VERONICA VOICEOVER: Here it is: itemized charges for July. Camp SelfQuest. Veronica brings up a PlanetZowie page which has a number of diverse entries. *Camp SelfQuest Welcome! We're glad you're here! Camp SelfQuest is an intensive program for teens...SelfQuest offers a unique plan...SelfQuest can motivate a permanent change. *Rehabilitation Centers - Camp SelfQuest Starting from proven measures, Camp SelfQuest is the definitive leader in...deriving practices and techniques form esteemed members, CampSelfQuest can promise... *Suspicious death at treatment center CampSelfQuest has found itself in an all-too-common predicament. Jesse Fuller, an attendee at CampSelfQuest was found, in his cabin. *The Queer Cure "And God said unto Abraham, smite all thee that lust after thy own s*x" as takend from a CampSelfQuest brochure. "Leaders in removing filth from the human soul." *Camps of Purity Camp SelfQuest makes the A list of organizations and programs. Established in 1980 as...response to the growing acceptance of homosexuality, Camp SelfQuest... *...GOT Black List - May 2004 ... The page ends with the option to "Click here to learn more about our products and services." VERONICA VOICEOVER: Marcos was gay. INT - OLIVERES RESIDENCE - NIGHT. The door opens and the ping of an alarm is heard. A hand punches in the code. The man walks across the dark kitchen with familiarity and turns on the light. He turns back into the kitchen and Keith races up behind him, grabbing him by the arm and shirt collar, dragging him back and face down on a table. NED: Whoa, whoa! Ah! Keith pats him down. KEITH: Who are you? NED: I live next door! I'm a neighbour! I'm just a neighbour! KEITH: You always wait 'til bowling night to come calling on your neighbour? NED: I came over to borrow a couple of beers, okay? My wife won't let me keep beer in the house. Keith does a facial shrug and backs off. NED: Ow. Ned slowly lifts himself up off the table. KEITH: So you come over here, toss back a few, maybe turn around a few pictures, spray a little cologne? You think your wife'd ease up on you a bit if you had enough property to extend your house? NED: What? KEITH: I know you're looking to buy this place, how bad do you want it? NED: I came here for the beer. Ask Carlos. KEITH: Go get your beer. NED: I'm good. Ned leaves, rubbing his arm. Keith smiles and looks around with a sigh. He sees something. In an aquarium, there is a toy school the front of which is embedded in the pebbles at the bottom. Keith takes it out. As he shakes the water off his arm, he also spots a piece of paper in the wastepaper basket, next to the aquarium. He picks it up. The number 8543 is written on the scrap of paper. On the back is part of the heading of Simon Stern. Keith pulls out his cell and dials. KEITH: Mr Oliveres. Keith Mars here. Couple questions for you. Does your neighbour routinely keep beer in your fridge? Keith chuckles. KEITH: He does? And he has the alarm code? Okay. Second thing: another toy bus appeared in your fish tank. And I found a scrap of paper in your wastebasket with your alarm code written on it. It's scribbled on the back of some Simon and Stern letterhead. Keith pauses to listen. KEITH: Yeah. School district's law firm. Thought that would make you happy. Keith listens again. KEITH: Yep, I'll bring it to the deposition. He grins. KEITH: You're welcome, Mr Oliveres. Keith smiles as he folds up the phone. He glances at the fish tank and then bends over it to look more carefully. He looks thoughtful. EXT - NEPTUNE STREETS - NIGHT. Against the lights of the Ould Sod pub, Logan walks around the corner, carrying a brown bag. He pauses when he sees the Xterra blocked in its parking space by a white van. LOGAN: Huh. What is wrong with people? Logan heads for the other side of the van. He's met with a fist, which knocks him cold. Logan is thrown into the back of the empty van, licence plate number 4PCI075. INT - WAREHOUSE - NIGHT. Logan is lying on an old bed, sporting a bruise on his cheek. A hand slaps his face. Logan starts to come round. MASKED MAN: Wake up, sleeping beauty. The man's gloved hand waves in front of his face. Logan tries to sit up. He starts to struggle as he realises he is tied to the bed. LOGAN: What the hell is this? MASKED MAN: It's the people's court, junior. You're on trial for the murder of Felix Toombs. They are in some sort of warehouse. The bed to which Logan is tied is propped up, so he is lying at forty-five degree angle. MASKED MAN: Sorry I don't have a bible for you to swear on, but I'll get the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God. The man, who may or may not be Thumper under a ski mask, pulls Logan's head up so he can see that there is another man, also dressed in black and wearing a ski mask. MASKED MAN: That's your judge and jury. The man pushes Logan's head back down. MASKED MAN: I'm the prosecution. And you? You get to represent yourself. The man has a cell phone in his hands. He straightens up and punches in a number. He holds out the phone as a microphone and brings it close to Logan. MASKED MAN: First question for the defendant: what happened to Felix that night on the bridge? LOGAN: I don't know. I don't know. The man brings the phone to his ear and listens for a moment. He then turns to the other man. MASKED MAN: Okay. He's all yours, judge. Logan watches as the second man, the judge, approaches him. He has a gun in his hand. He spins the cylinder and aims the gun at Logan's left hand. Logan desperately tries to pull his hand away but is frustrated by the binding at his wrist. He shouts. LOGAN: No! No! No! Oh, come on, man, don't- MASKED MAN: One in six says you take a bullet. LOGAN: No, come on, come on, man, don't do this! Come on, what're you, crazy? Logan is freaking. The judge pulls the trigger. There's a click. LOGAN: Aw, jeez! MASKED MAN: I'll ask you again. LOGAN: Look, I- MASKED MAN: What happened? LOGAN: I can't remember, okay? I swear to God, I can't remember. MASKED MAN: You wanna try one in five? LOGAN: Dammit, man, I'm telling you the truth, I swear to God! MASKED MAN: You're a killer, aren't you, boy? Just like your old man. The judge cocks the gun again. It is still aimed at Logan's hand. Logan starts to scream and thrash in his bondage. LOGAN: No, please. No, God, stop it, please! Please! No! No! Nonononono! No! The judge pulls the trigger. Again, there is a click and the gun does not discharge a bullet. LOGAN: Aah! Oh, stop, please, okay, I don't know anything! Dammit, man, I swear! MASKED MAN: Don't talk to me. It's the judge you gotta convince. LOGAN: Please, I'm telling the truth! I didn't do anything, I swear to God! MASKED MAN: Know what I think the problem is? This boy don't care about his hand. Let's try some more valuable real estate. The judge lowers the gun, aiming at Logan's kneecap. Logan continues to panic and scream and struggle. LOGAN: Come on, man! No! No! No! Please! Please, come on! Please don't! Please! Don't! Aah! Listen to me! Why would I lie, you guys? The masked man listens to the person on the other end of the cell phone. MASKED MAN: Okay. He turns to the judge. MASKED MAN: That's it. LOGAN: Please, no, come on, man! Please! The masked man folds up the phone and slips it into his pocket. MASKED MAN: We're done for tonight. EXT - DESERTED AREA - NIGHT. The white van pulls up. The side door to the van is opened. Logan is lying on the floor of the van, seemingly out of it. The masked man leans in to grab him, then looks over his shoulder to address the second man. As he does so, Logan lifts the cell phone out of the masked man's pocket. MASKED MAN: Give me a hand, man. I think he might've wet himself. They carry Logan out of the van between them and swing his body to throw him down a bank. Logan rolls down the bank. The men close up the van and drive away. At the bottom of the bank, Logan gets slowly to his feet. He looks around, breathing heavily, and then down at the phone in his hand. He flips open the phone and hits redial. He hears it ring. EXT - CAR PARK - CONTINUING. Weevil's cell rings. He answers. WEEVIL: Is it done? EXT - DESERTED AREA - NIGHT. LOGAN: Oh, it's just gettin' started, Weevs. You have no idea the hell you've just brought on yourself. Logan shuts off the phone. He sniffs and takes in a shuddering breath as he looks around. EXT - NHS, LUNCH AREA - DAY. Veronica stalks Vincent, who is carrying his lunch tray. VERONICA: Fish sticks and chocolate milk, yuck. That can't be good for you. VINCENT: Can you graduate already? Vincent puts his tray on a table and sits down. Veronica sits next to him. VERONICA: What did Marcos tell you about Camp SelfQuest? VINCENT: What the hell is Camp SelfQuest? VERONICA: It's the deprogramming camp Marcos' parents sent him to. You know, to make him un-gay. Veronica picks some food off Vincent's plate. VINCENT: Marcos wasn't gay. VERONICA: Sure about that? She pops the food in her mouth. VINCENT: Positive. He talked about chicks all the time. I mean, he wasn't a fairy, he was a playboy lovin' booty hound. VERONICA: Do me a favour: never describe me. VINCENT: He was all about girls. All the time. He almost got his ass kicked for it once. VERONICA: By the girl? VINCENT: By her jealous boyfriend. Vincent sticks his fork into his food. Veronica helps herself again as she gets up from the table. VERONICA: Okay, okay. Veronica leaves with Vincent staring after her in a disgruntled fashion. INT - NHS, JOURNALISM CLASSROOM - DAY. Veronica sits at one of the computer screens. VERONICA: "Sorry, but I've got a jealous boyfriend who knew I liked him, so..." Veronica pulls up a PlanetZowie universal mail account and prepares to email ofnight, heading the email "Free Tickets!" VERONICA VOICEOVER: Maybe the secret admirer can give me an answer. Veronica dictates to herself as she types. VERONICA VOICEOVER: "Free concert tickets for high school students. The radio broadcast alliance is seeking students for a survey in concert promoting. To apply, please call 619-555-0127 immediately." INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. Carlos and Maria Oliveres are sitting outside the entrance to the Sheriff's Department, comforting each other. Keith arrives. KEITH: Hi. I'm sorry I'm a little late. CARLOS: That's fine. Keith holds out his hand as Carlos stands. They shake hands. CARLOS: Our lawyer said there'd be a few papers that you have to sign for us, in addition to testifying about what you've discovered. KEITH: Excuse us a second. Keith leads Carlos away from Maria. KEITH: Before I'm deposed, there's something I need cleared up. CARLOS: What's that, Keith? KEITH: I found fish food floating in the aquarium. For the life of me, I can't make sense out of it. Carlos looks a little uncomfortable. CARLOS: I suppose the guy who broke in decided to...feed the fish. Carlos knows this is not convincing. Keith stares at him sadly. KEITH: I know this harassment, whatever the cause, must have been terrible for you. And I feel bad I didn't catch him red-handed. But I can't help but wonder if someone left that last toy bus and that scrap of paper for me to find. I'm afraid you don't want me testifying, Mr Oliveres. I suggest you take the settlement. Keith gives Carlos a companionable pat on the arm and leaves. INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - DAY. Veronica is in what looks like a study hall. She is writing with one hand and has her cell in the other. The cell vibrates. She drops the pen and answers the phone. VERONICA: Hello- She catches herself with a grin. VERONICA: Radio Broadcast Alliance. Too late, as the caller hangs up. Veronica checks the phone and smiles. EXT - NEPTUNE STREET - DAY. Veronica walks up a suburban street, looking for a house. She find 8875 Crescent and goes to the front door. VERONICA VOICEOVER: One reverse phone book later and I've got the address of Marcos' secret admirer, and hopefully the not-so-loyal girlfriend of the crazy jealous boyfriend. The door is opened by Roxie, she of the cans who likes jocks, according to the wits of "Ahoy, Mateys!". ROXIE: Veronica Mars? VERONICA: Roxie. I have a couple questions for you about Marcos Oliveres. ROXIE: What about him? VERONICA: Come on, don't play coy. You sent me an email. You called and hung up. ROXIE: No, I didn't. Out of sight, a car door can be heard slamming. Roxie leans further out of the door to shout to the new arrival. ROXIE: Ryan! You didn't forget my milkshake, did you? The boy who told Veronica that nobody knew Marcos is standing in the driveway, holding up bags of food. ROXIE: Do you have an idiot brother, too? Veronica looks over and recognises Ryan just as he recognises her. He nearly comes to a stop, before putting his head down and attempting to race past her into the house. RYAN: You can get me later. Ryan gives Roxie the bags and tries to force himself past her, but Veronica hangs onto his arm. VERONICA: Ryan, I think I'll get you right now. Cut to later as they sit on the bonnet of Ryan's car. RYAN: I used to listen to the show religiously. I didn't know Marcos at school, I, I just knew who he was on the radio. I was pretty much in love with him. Marcos and Butters, they, they signed out this reverb mike from broadcast journalism. I heard it used in the show, so I knew it was them. I told him I was a fan. And thus began our beautiful friendship. VERONICA: So you guys were like, a couple, or...? RYAN: Ha. I wish. More like, I was madly in love and a hundred percent gay and he...liked me as a friend and was sexually on the fence. I kept trying to subtly push him over. I was giving him a back rub this one time, and his parents came home. For some reason, seeing their shirtless son with a boy straddling him was...upsetting. They shipped him off to camp homophobee and made him promise to never see me again. VERONICA: And then he died. RYAN: No. And then he was forced to do "normal" things. Like go on field trips to baseball games. Marcos is dead for one reason: because he was desperate to win back his parents. VERONICA: Still, the Olivereses lost their son. Those pranks really hurt them. RYAN: Good. That was the idea. Veronica stares at him. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - NIGHT. Music: Ocean City Girl by Ivy. LYRICS: Moving slowly into the setting sun Keeping secrets away- A naked Duncan lies in bed, apologising. DUNCAN: I'm sorry I've been so out of it lately. Guess it's just a confusing time, you know? MEG: I don't know why you're so confused. Meg, also naked and lying in his arms, kisses him. He strokes her hair. MEG: You either want to save me, or you don't. You know you're the only one who can. They kiss again, this time more deeply. Music pauses: Ocean City Girl by Ivy. T-shirted Duncan jerks himself awake. He takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. He jumps out of bed, turns on the lamp and retrieves the letter to Meg from the drawer. Music resumes: Ocean City Girl by Ivy. LYRICS: Ocean city girl Is saying goodbye Duncan stares at the envelope for a moment. (The words on the back seem to have disappeared again.) He rips it open and starts to read. DUNCAN: Oh my God. End music: Ocean City Girl by Ivy.
Plan: A: Veronica; Q: Who learns that Dr. Griffith has ties to the "Fighting Fitzpatricks"? A: Keith; Q: Who is Veronica's partner in the Oliveres family investigation? A: Marcos; Q: Who was the Oliveres' son who died in the crash? A: Dr. Griffith; Q: Who is the witness who saw Logan on the bridge? A: the "Fighting Fitzpatricks; Q: What Neptune crime family does Dr. Griffith have ties to? A: Thumper; Q: Who tells Weevil that Felix was on the bridge with Hector and Bootsy? A: one; Q: How many PCHers tell Weevil that Felix and Hector were the last people on the bridge? Summary: Veronica and Keith try to uncover who is tormenting the Oliveres family, whose son Marcos died in the crash. Veronica learns that the witness who saw Logan on the bridge, Dr. Griffith, has ties to the "Fighting Fitzpatricks", a Neptune crime family. Thumper, one of the PCHers, tells Weevil that the last people on the bridge with Felix were Hector and Bootsy.
EXT. A PRIVATE PROPERTY At night, a woman jumps a fence leading onto a private property and looks around so as to see if she was caught. The camera pulls back to show a sign on the fence that reads "Danger keep out". INT. THE PRIVATE PROPERTY After kicking in some boards and getting into the house, the woman begins to look around the main floor with a torch, taking the occasional picture. She notices a place on the wall where the paper has begun peeling and reaches up to tear it back, first finding the word "Beware". Pulling back more, "The Weeping angel" is revealed and, as she pulls back even more, "Oh, and duck! Really duck! ". She pulls back even more, starting at the sight of her name on the wall, "Sally Sparrow". Pulling back what seems to be the last strip, it says, "Duck, now". As she hears glass break, she ducks and a large stone hits the wall where her head was. She looks at the stone with disbelief and turns to the window, using her torch in an attempt to find the culprit, seeing only a Weeping Angel statue. She moves toward the window, but returns to the was and removes the last strip of paper. "Love from the Doctor (1969)". OPENING CREDITS INT. KATHY'S NIGHTINGALE FLAT Climbing a flight of stairs, Sally calls out. SALLY: Kathy? In a room visible down the corridor, the Doctor can be seen on a monitor. DOCTOR (on monitor): Your life could depend on this. Don't blink! Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. They are fast, faster than you can believe. Don't turn your back, don't look away, and don't blink. Good luck. Sally approaches the monitors as he speaks, the video stopping as she steps into the doorway. The looks around to see various screens with the Doctor and Martha on them. A mobile rings as a woman sleeps, waking her. She answers it. KATHY: Hello? SALLY: Bit freaked. Need to talk. Making you a coffee. KATHY: Sally Sparrow, it's one in the morning. You think I'm coming round at one in the morning? SALLY: No. I'm in the kitchen. What's that on all those screens in your front room? KATHY: Oh, God! Oh, God! Sally, you've met my brother Larry, haven't you? SALLY: No. KATHY: You're about to. LARRY: Okay. Not sure, but really, really hoping. (points down) Pants? SALLY: No. KATHY: Put them on! Put them on! I hate you! What're you thinking?! Sorry. My useless brother. Sally? What's wrong? What's happened? IN THE PRIVATE PROPERTY KATHY: Okay! Let's investigate! You and me, girl investigators. Love it! Hey! Sparrow and Nightingale! That so works! SALLY: Bit ITV. KATHY: I know! What did you come here for, anyway? SALLY: I love old things. They make me feel sad. KATHY: What's good about sad? SALLY: It's happy for deep people. Sally and Kathy stand outside, looking at the weeping Angel statue. SALLY: The Weeping Angel. KATHY: Not goin' in my garden. SALLY: It's moved. KATHY: It's what? SALLY: Since yesterday. I'm sure of it. It's closer. It's got closer to the house. Sally walks along the wall where she tore the paper off. SALLY: How can my name be written here? How is that possible? The doorbell rings. KATHY: Who'd come here? What are you doing?! It could be a burglar! SALLY: A burglar who rings the doorbell? KATHY: Okay. I'll stay here in case of... SALLY: In case of...? KATHY: ... incidents? Sally answers the door to find a man, Malcolm. MALCOLM: I'm looking for Sally Sparrow. SALLY: How did you know I'd be here? MALCOLM: I was told to bring this letter on this date at this exact time to Sally Sparrow. SALLY: Looks old. MALCOLM: It is old. I'm sorry, do you have anything with a photograph on it, like a driving licence? Kathy walks around to the quiet sound of Sally and Malcolm in the background. She looks at the Weeping Angel, eyes still covering its face, but when she turns away its hands have moved lower, over its mouth. SALLY: How did he know I was coming here? I didn't tell anyone. How could anyone have known? MALCOLM: It's all a bit complicated. I'm not sure I understand it myself. I'm sorry, I feel really stupid, but I was told to make absolutely sure. It's so hard to tell with these little photographs, isn't it? SALLY: Apparently. Kathy watches them through a mirror as the Weeping Angel moves more. MALCOLM: Well, here goes, I suppose. Funny feeling, after all these years. SALLY: Who's it from? MALCOLM: Well, that's a long story, actually. SALLY: Gimme a name. The Weeping Angel is just behind Kathy, reaching out a hand to Kathy. MALCOLM: Katherine Wainwright. But she specified I should tell you that prior to marriage she was called Kathy Nightingale. A loud noise sounds from where Kathy was. SALLY: Kathy? MALCOLM: Kathy, yes. Katherine Costello Nightingale. SALLY: Is this a joke? MALCOLM: A joke?! SALLY: Kathy, is this you? Sally starts walking around, looking for Kathy. SALLY: Very funny. Kathy? Kathy stands up in the middle of a field to the sound of mooing cattle and several of the animals in the background. SALLY: Kathy?! Kathy!? MALCOLM: Please, you need to take this. I promised. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE 1920 Kathy approaches a man. KATHY: Excuse me? Where am I? I was in London. I was in the middle of London. BEN: You're in Hull. KATHY: No, I'm not. BEN: This is Hull. KATHY: No, it isn't. BEN: You're in Hull. KATHY: I'm not in Hull. Stop saying Hull. INT. PRIVATE PROPERTY SALLY: Who are you? Why are you here? MALCOLM: I made a promise. SALLY: Who to? MALCOLM: My grandmother. Katherine Costello Nightingale. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE 1920 BEN: Don't have that in London. There's no call for it. It's all Hull. Ben passes Kathy his paper, clearly dated as 5th December, 1920. KATHY: 1920? INT. PRIVATE PROPERTY SALLY: Your grandmother? MALCOLM: Yes. She died twenty years ago. Sally takes the parcel he's offered her and opens it, looking through the pictures of Kathy. SALLY: So they're related? MALCOLM: I'm sorry? SALLY: My Kathy, your grandmother, they're practically identical. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE BEN: Where are you going? INT. PRIVATE PROPERTY KATHY (letter): "My dearest Sally Sparrow, if my grandson has done as he promises he will, then as you read these words it has been mere minutes since we last spoke. For you. For me, it has been over 60 years. The third of the photographs is of my children. The youngest is Sally. I named her after you, of course." SALLY: This is sick! This is totally sick! Kathy? Kathy! Kathy? Sally runs up the stairs as she yells, slowing at the top. Several Weeping Angel statues are arranged in the area. There's the sound of wings and she turns to see another statue. One of the Weeping Angels is holding a key on a thin rope of twine and as Sally crouches to look, the angel behind her moves it's hands. The door of the house closes. SALLY: No, wait! Hang on! Sally runs off, the Weeping angel that was holding the key now holding it's arm outstretched. Malcolm makes his way from the house hastily. Sally reaches the bottom of the stairs and picks up Kathy's letter. She runs out of the house, looking both ways for Malcolm before walking away, the camera lingering on the Weeping Angels that watch her from the windows. Later, Sally sits in a cafe, reading the letter. INT CAFE KATHY (letter): I suppose, unless I live to a really exceptional old age, I will be long gone as you read this. Don't feel sorry for me. I have led a good and full life. I've loved a good man and been well loved in return. You would have liked Ben. He was the very first person I met in 1920. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE KATHY: Are you following me? BEN: Yeah. KATHY: Are you gonna stop following me? BEN: No, I don't think so. EXT. CEMETERY Sally walks through a cemetery, crouching at Kathy's gravestone. KATHY (letter): To take one breath in 2007 and the next in 1920 is a strange way to start a new life, but a new life is exactly what I've always wanted. SALLY: 1902? You told him you were eighteen? You lying cow! A statue watches her leave the cemetery. KATHY (letter): My mum and dad are gone by your time, so really there's only Lawrence to tell. He works at the DVD store on Queen Street. I don't know what you're going to say to him, but I know you'll think of something. Just tell him I love him. DVD STORE SALLY: Excuse me, I'm looking for Lawrence Nightingale. BANTO: Through the back. SALLY: Hello? DOCTOR (on monitor): Martha! MARTHA (on monitor): Sorry. DOCTOR: Quite possibly. 'Fraid so. LARRY: Oh. Hello. Can I help you? SALLY: Hi. DOCTOR: 38. LARRY: Er, just a mo. (pauses the monitor) Hang on. We've met, haven't we? SALLY: It'll come to you. LARRY: Oh, my God! SALLY: There it is. LARRY: Sorry. Sorry again about the whole... SALLY: Message from your sister. LARRY: Oh! Okay! What? What is it? What's the message? SALLY: She's had to go away for a bit. LARRY: Where? SALLY: Just a work thing. Nothing to worry about. LARRY: Okay. SALLY: And... LARRY: And what? SALLY: She loves you. LARRY: She what?! SALLY: She said to say. She just sort of mentioned it. She loves you. There, that's nice, isn't it? LARRY: Is she ill? SALLY: No! No. LARRY: Am I ill? SALLY: No! LARRY: Is this a trick? SALLY: No. She loves you. DOCTOR: Yeh... yeah. People don't understand time. It's not what you think it is. SALLY: Who is this guy? LARRY: Sorry, the pause thing keeps slipping. Stupid thing. SALLY: Last night at Kathy's, you had him on those screens. That same guy. Talking about, I dunno, blinking or something. LARRY: Yeah, the bit about the blinking is great! I was checking to see if they were all the same. SALLY: What were the same? What is this? Who is he? LARRY: An Easter egg. SALLY: Excuse me? LARRY: Like a DVD extra, yeah? You know how on DVDs they put extras on, documentaries and stuff? Well, ometimes they put on hidden ones, and they call them Easter eggs. You have to look for them, follow a bunch of clues in the menu screen. DOCTOR: Complicated. LARRY: Sorry. It's interesting, actually. He is on seventeen different DVDs. There are seventeen totally unrelated DVDs, all with him on, always hidden away, always a secret. Not even the publishers know how he got there. I've talked to the manufacturers, right? They don't even know. He's like... he's a ghost DVD extra. Just shows up where he's not supposed to be. But only on those. Those seventeen. SALLY: Well, what does he do? LARRY: Just sits there making random remarks. It's like we're hearing half a conversation. Me and the guys are always trying to work out the other half. SALLY: When you say you and the guys, you mean the internet, don't you? LARRY: How d'you know? SALLY: Spooky, isn't it? DOCTOR: Very complicated. BANTO: Lawrence? Need you! LARRY: 'Scuse me a sec. DOCTOR: People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff. SALLY: Started well, that sentence. DOCTOR: It got away from me, yeah. SALLY: Okay, that was weird. Like you can hear me. DOCTOR: Well, I can hear you. SALLY: Okay, that's enough. I've had enough now. I've had a long day and I've had bloody enough! Sorry. Bad day. LARRY: Got you the list. SALLY: What? LARRY: The seventeen DVDs. I thought you might be interested. SALLY: Yeah, great, thanks! BANTO (looking TV): Go to the police, you stupid woman! Why does nobody ever just go to the police? SALLY: Look, I know how mad I'm sounding. INT. POLICE STATION DESK SARGEANT: Shall we try it from the beginning this time? SALLY: Okay. There's this house, a big old house, been empty for years, falling apart. Wester Drumlins, out by the estate. You've probably seen it. DESK SARGEANT: Wester Drumlin? SALLY: Yes. DESK SARGEANT: Could you just wait here for a minute? Sally looks out the window to see two Weeping Angels. She blinks and they are gone. SALLY: Okay, cracking up now. BILLY SHIPTON: Hi. DI Billy Shipton. Wester Drumlins, that's mine. Can't talk to you now, got a thing I can't be late for, so if you could just... Hello! SALLY: Hello. BILLY: Eh, Marcie, can you tell them I'm gonna be late for that thing? SALLY: All of them? BILLY: Over the last two years, yeah. They all still have personal items in them and a couple still had the motor running. SALLY: So over the last two years the owners of all of these vehicles have driven up to Wester Drumlins House, parked outside and just disappeared. Sally sees the TARDIS. SALLY: What's that? BILLY: Ah! The pride of the Wester Drumlins collection. We found that there, too. Somebody's idea of a joke, I suppose. SALLY: But what is it? What's a police box? BILLY: Well, it's a special kind of phone box for policemen. They used to have them all over. But this isn't a real one. The phone's just a dummy, and the windows are the wrong size. We can't even get in it. Ordinary Yale lock, but nothing fits. But that's not the big question. See, you're missing the big question. SALLY: Okay, what's the big question? BILLY: Will you have a drink with me? SALLY: I'm sorry? BILLY: Drink, you, me, now? SALLY: Aren't you on duty, Detective Inspector Shipton? BILLY: Nope. Knocked off before I left. Told 'em I had a family crisis. SALLY: Why? BILLY: Because life is short and you are hot. Drink? SALLY: No. BILLY: Ever? SALLY: Maybe. BILLY: Phone number? SALLY: Moving kind of fast, DI Shipton. BILLY: Billy. I'm off duty. SALLY: Aren't you just! BILLY: Is that your phone number? SALLY: Just my phone number. Not a promise. Not a guarantee. Not an IOU. Just a phone number. BILLY: And that's Sally...? SALLY: Sally Shipton. Sparrow! Sally Sparrow. I'm going now. Don't look at me. BILLY: I'll phone you! SALLY: Don't look at me. BILLY: Phone you tomorrow. SALLY: Don't look at me. BILLY: Might even phone you tonight. SALLY: Don't look at me! BILLY: Definitely gonna phone you, gorgeous girl! SALLY: You definitely better! Billy looks over to see the Weeping Angels around the TARDIS. He walks around to investigate it and blinks. Sally leaves the building, looking around. She hurries across the street and pulls the key that she took from the Weeping Angel out of her pocket. BILLY: Ordinary Yale lock, but nothing fits. Sally hurries back in to find Billy and the TARDIS gone. Billy hits back against a wall, falling to the ground. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PAST 1969 DOCTOR: Welcome. BILLY: Where am I? The Doctor and Martha approach, the Doctor holding a device that clicks and beeps. DOCTOR: 1969. Not bad,as it goes. You've got the moon landing to look forward to. MARTHA: Oh, the moon landing's brilliant. We went four times. Back when we had transport... DOCTOR: Working on it! BILLY: How did I get here? DOCTOR: The same way we did. The touch of an angel. Same one, probably, since you ended up in the same year. No no no no no, don't get up. Time travel without a capsule, nasty. Catch your breath, don't go swimming for half an hour. BILLY: I don't. I can't. DOCTOR: Fascinating race, the Weeping Angels. The only psychopaths in the universe to kill you nicely. No mess, no fuss, they just zap you into the past and let you live to death. The rest of your life used up and blown away in the blink of an eye. You die in the past, and in the present they consume the energy of all the days you might have had, all your stolen moments. They're creatures of the abstract. They live off potential energy. BILLY: What in God's name are you talking about? MARTHA: Trust me. Just nod when he stops for breath. DOCTOR: Tracked you down with this. This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff. Also, it can boil an egg at 30 paces, whether you want it to or not, actually, so I've learned to stay away from hens. It's not pretty when they blow. BILLY: I don't understand. Where am I? MARTHA: 1969, like he says. DOCTOR: Normally, I'd offer you a lift home, but somebody nicked my motor. So I need you to take a message to Sally Sparrow. And I'm sorry, Billy, I am very, very sorry. It's gonna take you a while. PRESENT Sally's mobile rings. SALLY: Hello? Billy, where are you? Where? Sally walks in hospital. INT. HOSPITAL, BILLY'S ROOM SALLY: Billy? Sally turns away. Billy wakes up. He is a old man. BILLY: It was raining when we met. SALLY: It's the same rain. A bit later, Sally is looking a picture of Billy and a woman on their wedding day. SALLY: She looks nice. BILLY: Her name was Sally, too. SALLY: Sally Shipton. BILLY: Sally Shipton! I often thought about looking for you before tonight, but apparently it would've torn a hole in the fabric of space and time and destroyed two thirds of the universe. Also I'd lost my hair. SALLY: Two thirds of the universe. Where'd you get that? BILLY: There's a man in 1969. He sent me with a message for you. SALLY: What man? BILLY: The Doctor. SALLY: And what was the message? BILLY: Just this: Look at the list. SALLY: What does that mean? Is that it, look at the list? BILLY: He said you'd have it by now. A list of seventeen DVDs. I didn't stay a policeman back then. Got into publishing. Then video publishing. Then DVDs, of course. SALLY: You put the Easter Egg on? BILLY: Have you noticed what all seventeen DVDs have in common yet? I suppose it's hard for you, in a way. SALLY: How could the Doctor have even known I had a list? I only just got this. BILLY: I asked him how, but he said he couldn't tell me. He said you'd understand it one day, but that I never would. SALLY: Soon as I understand it, I'll come and tell you. BILLY: No, gorgeous girl, you can't. There's only tonight. He told me all those years ago that we'd only meet again this one time. On the night I die. SALLY: Oh, Billy. BILLY: It's kept me going. I'm an old, sick man. But I've had something to look forward to. Ah, life is long. And you are hot. Oh, look at my hands. They're old man's hands. How did that happen? SALLY: I'll stay. I'm going to stay with you. Okay? BILLY: Thank you, Sally Sparrow. I have 'til the rain stops. DVDs STORE Phone rings. LARRY: Banto's. SALLY: They're mine. LARRY: What? SALLY: The DVDs on the list. The seventeen DVDs. What they've got in common is me. They're all the DVDs I own. The Easter Egg was intended for me! LARRY: You've only got seventeen DVDs? SALLY: Do you have a portable DVD player? LARRY: Course, why? SALLY: I want you to meet me. LARRY: Where? SALLY: Wester Drumlins. LARRY: You live in Scooby Doo's house. SALLY: For God's sake, I don't live here. LARRY: Okay, this is the one with the clearest sound. Slightly better picture quality on this one, but I don't... SALLY: Doesn't matter. INT. PRIVATE PROPERTY LARRY: Okay. There he is. SALLY: The Doctor. LARRY: Who's the Doctor? SALLY: He's the Doctor. DOCTOR (on monitor): Yep. That's me. SALLY: Okay, that was scary. LARRY: No, it sounds like he's replying, but he always says that. DOCTOR: Yes, I do. LARRY: And that. DOCTOR: Yep, and this. SALLY: He can hear us. Oh, my God, you can really hear us! LARRY: Of course he can't hear us. Look! I've got a transcript, see, everything he says. "Yep, that's me". "Yes, I do". "Yep, and this". Next it's... DOCTOR AND LARRY: Are you going to read out the whole thing? LARRY: Sorry. SALLY: Who are you? DOCTOR: I'm a time traveller. Or I was. I'm stuck in 1969. MARTHA (on monitor, moving into frame): We're stuck. All of space and time, he promised me. Now I've got a job in a shop, I've got to support him! DOCTOR: Martha! MARTHA (moving out of frame): Sorry. SALLY: I've seen this bit before. DOCTOR: Quite possibly. SALLY: 1969, that's where you're talking from? DOCTOR: 'Fraid so. SALLY: But you're replying to me. You can't know exactly what I'm gonna say, 40 years before I say it! DOCTOR: 38. LARRY: I'm getting this down! I'm writing in your bits. SALLY: How? How is this possible? Tell me! LARRY: Not so fast. DOCTOR: People don't understand time. It's not what you think it is. SALLY: Then what is it? DOCTOR: Complicated. SALLY: Tell me. DOCTOR: Very complicated. SALLY: I'm clever and I'm listening. And don't patronise me because people have died, and I'm not happy. Tell me. DOCTOR: People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff. SALLY: Yeah, I've seen this bit before. You said that sentence got away from you. DOCTOR: It got away from me, yeah. SALLY: Next thing you're going to say is, "Well, I can hear you". DOCTOR: Well, I can hear you. SALLY: This isn't possible. LARRY: No. It's brilliant! DOCTOR: Not hear you exactly, but I know everything you're going to say. LARRY: Always gives me the shivers, that bit. SALLY: How can you know what I'm going to say? DOCTOR: Look to your left. LARRY: What does he mean by, "Look to your left"? I've written tons about that on the forums. I think it's a political statement. SALLY: He means you. What are you doing? LARRY: I'm writing in your bits. So I've got a complete transcript of the whole conversation. Wait until this hits the net. This will explode the egg forums. DOCTOR: I've got a copy of the finished transcript. It's on my Autocue. SALLY: How can you have a copy of the finished transcript? It is still being written. DOCTOR: I told you. I'm a time traveller. I got it in the future. SALLY: Okay, let me get my head 'round this. You're reading from a transcript of a conversation you're still having? Wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey. Actually, never mind that. (To Larry): You can do shorthand? LARRY: So? DOCTOR: What matters is we can communicate. We have got big problems now. They've taken the blue box, haven't they? The angels have the phone box. LARRY: The angels have the phone box! That's my favourite, I've got it on a tee-shirt! SALLY: What do you mean, angels? You mean those statue things? DOCTOR: Creatures from another world. SALLY: But they're just statues. DOCTOR: Only when you see them. SALLY: What does that mean? DOCTOR: Lonely assassins, they were called. No-one knows where they came from. They're as old as the universe, or very nearly. They've survived this long as they have the most perfect defence system ever evolved. They are quantum-locked. They don't exist when being observed. The moment they're seen by any other living creature they freeze into rock. No choice. It's a fact of their biology. In the sight of any living thing, they literally turn to stone. And you can't kill a stone. Course, a stone can't kill you either. But then you turn your head away, then you blink, and oh, yes it can! SALLY: Don't take your eyes off that. DOCTOR: That's why they cover their eyes. They're not weeping, they can't risk looking at each other. Their greatest asset is their greatest curse. They can never be seen. The loneliest creatures in the universe. And I'm sorry, I am very, very sorry, it's up to you now. SALLY: What am I supposed to do? DOCTOR: The blue box, it's my time machine. There is a world of time energy in there they could feast on forever. The damage they can do can switch off the sun. You have got to send it back to me! SALLY: How? How? DOCTOR: And that's it, I'm afraid. There's no more from you on the transcript, that's all I've got. I dunno what stopped you talking, but I can guess. They're coming. The angels are coming for you. But listen, your life could depend on this. Don't blink! Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. They are fast, faster than you can believe. Don't turn your back, don't look away, and don't blink! Good luck! SALLY: No, don't, you can't! LARRY: I'll rewind him! SALLY: What good would that do?! You're not looking at the statue? LARRY: Neither are you. They look to see the statue is far closer, it's face distorted. SALLY: Keep looking at it. Keep looking at it! LARRY: There's just one, right, there's just this one. We're okay if we keep staring at this one statue, everything's gonna be fine. SALLY: There's three more. LARRY: Three?! SALLY: They were upstairs, I think I heard them moving. LARRY: Where? Three, moving where? SALLY: I'll look around, I'm going to check. Keep looking at this one, don't blink. Remember what he said, don't even blink! LARRY: Who blinks? I'm too scared to blink. SALLY: Okay. We're going to the door. Front door. Okay. We can't both get to the front door without taking our eyes off that thing. You stay here. LARRY: What?! SALLY: I'll be just round the corner, stay here! They've locked it. They've locked us in! LARRY: Why? SALLY: I've got something they want. LARRY: What? SALLY: The key, I took it last time I was here. They followed me to get it back. I led them to the blue box. Now they've got that! LARRY: Give them the key! SALLY: I'm gonna check the back door, you wait here. LARRY: Give them the key, give them what they want! Sally, no, what if they come behind me?! SALLY: Hang on! LARRY: Oh, God! Oh, God! SALLY: It's locked! Larry looks away from the Weeping Angel briefly and it advances on him. He looks back barely in time. LARRY: Sally! Sally! SALLY: It won't open! LARRY: Sally, please, I can't do this! Sally, hurry up! Where are you?! SALLY: Larry! They've blocked off the back door, but there's a cellar. There might be a way out, delivery hatch or something. LARRY: I'm coming! I can't stay here. SALLY: Okay, boys, I know how this works. You can't move so long as I can see you. Whole world in the box, the Doctor says. Hope he's not lying, 'cause I don't see how else we're getting out. Oh, and there's your one. LARRY: Why's it pointing at the... light? The light flickers. SALLY: Oh, my God! It's turning out the lights! LARRY: Quickly! SALLY: I can't find the lock! LARRY: Sally, hurry up! Get it open! They're getting faster, Sally, come on! SALLY: It won't turn! LARRY: Sally! They get into the TARDIS, the Weeping Angels surrounding the ship as they close the doors. A blue, holographic Doctor appears on the high deck. DOCTOR: This is security protocol 712. This time capsule has detected the presence of an authorised control disc, valid one journey. Larry opens a DVD case and the disc glows. DOCTOR: Please insert the disc and prepare for departure. SALLY: Looks like a DVD player. There's a slot. The Angels rock the TARDIS. LARRY: They're trying to get in! SALLY: Well, hurry up then! The TARDIS begins to dematerialise around them. LARRY: What's happening? SALLY: Oh, my God! It's leaving us behind! Doctor, no, you can't! Doctor! Larry and Sally huddle on the floor where the TARDIS was. SALLY: Look at them! Quick, look at them! LARRY: I don't think we need to. He tricked them, The Doctor tricked them. They're looking at each other. They're never gonna move again. ONE YEAR LATER LARRY: Can you mind the shop? I'm just nipping next door for some milk. SALLY: Yeah, no worries. LARRY: What's this? SALLY: Nothing. LARRY: Sally! Can't you let it go? SALLY: Of course I can't let it go! LARRY: This is over. SALLY: How did the Doctor know where to write the words on the wall? How could he get the transcript? Where did he get all that information from? LARRY: Look, some things you never find out. And that's okay. SALLY: No, it isn't. LARRY: Ever think this might be getting in the way of... other things? SALLY: We just run a shop together. That's all it is, just a shop. LARRY: Anyway... milk. Back in a mo. Larry heads out. Sally looks out the window to see the Doctor and Martha climb out of a taxicab and runs out. SALLY: Doctor! Doctor! Doctor! DOCTOR: Hello! Sorry, bit of a rush, there's a sort of thing happening, fairly important we stop it. SALLY: My God, it's you, it really is you. Oh, you don't remember me, do you? MARTHA: We don't have time for this. Migration's started. DOCTOR: Look, sorry, I've got a bit of a complex life. Things don't always happen to me in order. Gets confusing, especially at weddings, I'm rubbish at weddings, especially my own. SALLY: Oh, my God! Of course, you're a time traveller. It hasn't happened yet! None of it, it's still in your future! DOCTOR: What hasn't happened? MARTHA: Doctor! Twenty minutes to red hatching! SALLY: It was me. Oh, for God's sake, it was me all along. You got it all from me! DOCTOR: Got what? SALLY: Okay. Listen. One day you're going to get stuck in 1969. Make sure you've got this with you. You're going to need it. MARTHA: Doctor! DOCTOR: Yeah, listen, listen, got to dash... things happening. Well, four things. Well, four things and a lizard. SALLY: Okay. No worries, on you go. See you around, some day. DOCTOR: What was your name? SALLY: Sally Sparrow. DOCTOR: Good to meet you, Sally Sparrow. Larry walks up and looks at the Doctor, obviously dumbstruck. Sally takes his hand. SALLY: Goodbye, Doctor. Sally turns and leads Larry into the shop, arms around one another. The Doctor turns and hurries off with a final, fond look at Sally. DOCTOR: Don't blink! Blink and you're dead! Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink! Good luck!
Plan: A: Weeping Angels; Q: Who sent the Doctor and Martha back in time to 1969? A: half; Q: How much of a conversation does the Doctor record? A: Billy Shipton; Q: Who hides the Doctor's message in Easter eggs on DVDs? A: publishing; Q: What career did Billy Shipton change to? A: 2007 London; Q: In what year does Sally Sparrow find the TARDIS? A: photographer Sally Sparrow; Q: Who takes a Yale key from an Angel's hand? A: Sally; Q: Who gives a transcript of the message to the Doctor before the Angels attack him? A: the TARDIS; Q: What do the Angels take to an abandoned house? A: an impoundment lot; Q: Where does Sally find the TARDIS? A: her friend's brother; Q: Who is Larry? A: the DVD; Q: What is a control disc? A: the entrances; Q: What did the Angels lock in the house? A: The TARDIS; Q: What does Sally find in the cellar of the house? A: a defence system; Q: What causes the Angels to freeze when they are observed? A: A year later; Q: When does Sally give the Doctor a transcript of the message? Summary: The Doctor and Martha are sent back in time to 1969 by the stonelike Weeping Angels . The Doctor records a message containing half of a conversation. Billy Shipton, who changes his career to publishing, hides it in Easter eggs on DVDs. In 2007 London, photographer Sally Sparrow takes a Yale key from an Angel's hand. The Angels follow Sally, who discovers the TARDIS in an impoundment lot. The Angels take the TARDIS to an abandoned house. Sally and her friend's brother Larry have a conversation with the Doctor's message from one of the DVDs. He tells them to send the TARDIS back to him in 1969. The Angels have locked the entrances to the house. Sally and Larry flee to the cellar, where the TARDIS is. Using the key to get inside, Larry inserts the DVD, a control disc, in a slot on the console. The TARDIS leaves for 1969, and Sally and Larry are left behind in the cellar. The Angels, all looking at each other, are frozen because of a defence system that turns them to stone when observed. A year later, Sally gives a transcript of the message to the Doctor before the Angels attack him.
[Act 1] [Scene 1 - Café Nervosa. Frasier, Niles and Martin are all sitting at a table outside the Café. Niles is busy examining his coffee intently.] Niles: Is it me or is the foam a tad dense today? Frasier: Like a dreary fog on a Scottish moor. Niles: Rather than accent it overwhelms. Rather than flirt it assaults. Martin: [annoyed] Rather than watching the ballgame I have to listen to this. [Roz comes over to join them.] Roz: Hey, you guys. All: Hey, Roz. Roz: Frasier, don't forget your staff meeting tomorrow. It starts at... [A man comes and sits down at the nearby table. Roz just stops talking and can't take her eyes off him.] Frasier: Well, I certainly hope his tailor can fix the two holes you've just burned in his jacket! Roz: They're not in his jacket! It starts tomorrow at ten. Hey, Marty. What are you doing here? Martin: They're dragging me out to buy some new clothes. Niles: We're taking him out to Rodolfo's once-a-year sale. It's fifty per cent off. Alterations are free. Martin: Big deal. "Bud's Clothing" do that every day. Frasier: Yes, not to mention the convenience of getting your "BigFoot" pizza right next door. Martin: These guys think I have bad taste in clothes. Roz: Well, I like the way you dress. Niles: I believe that's what's called "the clincher." Shall we go? Martin: [getting up] All right. Well I'll just hit the head and we can get it over with. Niles: Dad, you could show a little more enthusiasm. Martin: OK. [fake enthusiasm as he goes inside the Café] Gee, I can't wait to hit the head and we can get it all over with. [Roz is still busy staring at the guy across the table which Niles notices.] Niles: Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes? Roz: Oh, please. I'm already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I parked my car. Frasier: [gesturing at another guy] You know Roz, I would have thought that the gentleman over there with the flannel shirt would have been more your type. Roz: Him? Not a chance. See the way he's slurping his orange juice? Sloppy kisser! You can tell right away the guy's no good I bed. So cautious. Look at the way he's blowing on his coffee. [Meanwhile Niles is, needless to say, blowing on his coffee and notices Frasier and Roz staring at him.] Niles: I wasn't trying to cool it. I was simply blowing a foam hole. Roz: You don't even wrinkle the sheets, do you? Frasier: [looking across the street] Niles, that man across the street at the newsstand. Is that who I think it is? Niles: He does look familiar. Frasier: It's T.H. Houghton! Niles: No! Frasier: Just think back to the picture on the dust cover of "Time Flies Tomorrow." A little older, greyer. Roz: "Time Flies Tomorrow" - I read that in high school. What else did he write? Frasier: Nothing. That's the crux of his entire legend. The man published one masterpiece and in the thirty years since he's become a virtual recluse. Niles: Oh my God. It is T.H. Houghton. We're a stone's throw away from one of the giants of American literature. Roz: Not the way you throw! Frasier: Niles, this is incredible. The man's entire life is shrouded in mystery and there he is. Niles: I've always idolised him. What I wouldn't give to meet that man. Roz: Well why don't you go over and introduce yourself? Niles: I can't just walk up to a God like that. Roz: Well find a subtler way. Niles: In your vernacular that would be what? To slingshot your panties across the street? Roz: Foam Blower! Frasier: [separating the two] Niles, she happens to be right. How often do we get an opportunity like this? Come on. Let's go. Niles: All right. [Martin comes back out of the Café.] Frasier: Dad, come on. We're going. Martin: Why, what's the rush? Niles: T.H. Houghton is across the street. Martin: Who? Frasier: [pushing Martin as fast as he can] Come on. Let's go. Martin: Hey! Guy with a cane here! IN ANOTHER PART OF THE FOREST... [Scene 2 - A Nearby Bar. Niles, Frasier and Martin pile into a bar. Niles and Frasier are arguing.] Frasier: Niles, I thought you said you saw Houghton come in here. Niles: Well, I'm sorry if my tracking skills aren't up to your standard. Perhaps instead of asking for a baby brother you should have asked for a German shorthaired Pointer. Frasier: I did! Well, I'm sorry. Niles: He must still be out on the street. Let's go. Martin: I'm parking it here. They've got the Mariners game on. Frasier: Dad, Dad. Please. We can't waste time. Niles: Oh let him be. He's dead weight. Frasier: Right. [Frasier and Niles charge back out in search for Houghton. Meanwhile an old man comes from the other side of the bar and sits down next to Martin. It is obvious that this is going to be T.H. Houghton.] Houghton: What's the score? Martin: Four to three, Mariners. Both: [watching the game] Awww! Martin: I mean, that's the cut-off man! Houghton: Can you believe that man makes seven million a year? Martin: That's crazy. See him scratching his butt? That's about five grand a year right there! Houghton: [laughing to the barman] Let me have a Ballantine. Martin: Yeah, make it two. [They both continue to watch the game together. The scene SWITCHES to later on and Houghton and Martin are sitting at a table after the game talking.] Houghton: So that's your favourite character, really? Martin: Yeah, I really like him. He's the kind of guy you can just sit and have a beer with. Houghton: Well, I can see you saying that about "Hoss." But Little Joe? Martin: Well that's the great thing about "Bonanza." There's something for everyone. [Frasier and Niles come into the bar with Frasier looking exasperated.] Frasier: Well thank you, Mr. False Alarm. [imitating Niles] Oh, look. There he is over at the yoghurt store. Oh look. There he is at the futon store. Oh look. There he is with Dad. [Frasier and Niles suddenly see that he is with Martin and look completely taken aback. Meanwhile over at the table Houghton is getting up to go.] Niles: And now he's leaving. I must tell him what an impact his book has made on my life. Frasier: Aren't you afraid it will sound just a bit unoriginal? Niles: Why? Frasier: Because I'm going to say it first. [Niles and Frasier rush over to T.H. Houghton. Before they can get there another patron from the bar gets in before them.] Patron: Excuse me, Mr. Houghton? Houghton: Yeah. Patron: I just wanted to tell you that... Houghton: My book changed your life. Swell. Patron: No, no. Houghton: It changed mine too. Look, I'm sorry, I don't like to discuss my work. [He leaves.] Patron: Well, that was humiliating. I've never felt so rejected in my life. Frasier: Now, now. Don't take it so hard. Who was to know you'd be so sensitive? Patron: Hey, aren't you Dr. Frasier Crane? Frasier: [walking away from him] Not now, I don't have the time. I'm sorry. [joins Martin at the table] Dad, do you realise who you were just talking to? That was T.H. Houghton. Martin: Yeah, I know. Niles: Well, what did you two talk about? Martin: Oh, I don't know. This and that. Frasier: Dad, virtually nothing is known about this man. Can't you give us something specific? Martin: It was just guy stuff, you know? Baseball, TV shows, old war stories. Frasier: He told war stories? Martin: No, I did. I told him about the time I made the stew and the platoon got sick. Frasier: How could you? Martin: He liked it. He's a nice guy. I think maybe I'll buy one of his books. Frasier: Not books, Dad. Book. Book. He wrote one book and then never wrote again. Niles: Well, if only we'd arrived ten minutes earlier. We could have been talking to him. Could have that explored that mammoth intellect. Frasier: Can you imagine the torture the man's endured to peak at such an early age? Niles: [notices a beermat on the table] Oh my God, Frasier. Look. It's a doodle. Frasier: Not just any doodle. It's a Houghton doodle. It's mine. Niles: It's mine. [fights over it with Frasier] Martin: It's mine. Frasier: Dad, what do you care? Martin: I mean I drew it. Frasier: [handing it to Niles] Well that's very touching. Here Niles, this is for you. [Scene 3 - The Elevator. Frasier and Niles are going up to Frasier's apartment in the elevator.] Niles: I don't know when I've enjoyed an exhibit more. The artist's choice to make that still-life a monochrome was a stroke of genius. Conveyed such despair. Frasier: [deep in thought] Yes. It was so refreshing to see a sad peach. Niles: How about that curator? Frasier: Kind of a peach herself, wasn't she? Niles: No cubism there, I don't think. [The elevator doors open outside Frasier's apartment. Martin and T.H. Houghton are waiting to go down. Niles and Frasier only notice Martin at first.] Martin: Hey, boys. Both: Hi, Dad. [both notice that T.H. Houghton is getting on the elevator with Martin and are momentarily lost for words.] Martin: Oh Ted, I'd like you to meet my sons. This is Frasier and Niles. They're big fans of yours. Houghton: Hi, guys. Frasier: Mr Houghton... er... we... Niles: Words can't express... [totally flabbergasted] Houghton: I guess not. Nice meeting you folks. [the elevator door closes] Niles: We missed them again. [presses the lift button and the doors open] Martin: What's going on? Niles: That's odd. So where are you two going? Martin: Well, Ted's taking me out to this Bratwurst place he knows. Frasier: Bratwurst. Yummee. My God, that's our favourite. Houghton: Nice meeting you. [The elevator door closes once more. Niles, not content, hits the elevator button again and the door opens again. Houghton looks puzzled while Martin just looks annoyed.] Houghton: What's wrong with this thing? Niles: Could be broken. Well maybe if you came into the apartment we could call down to the front desk... Martin: NO! [pushing Niles away with his cane] I'm sure it'll work this time! [The elevator door closes for the last time. Niles looks despondent and follows Frasier into his apartment. Daphne is busy cleaning.] Frasier: What the hell was he doing here? Niles: We might know if you hadn't spent an hour pondering the despair of the peach. Frasier: This from the man who spent thirty minutes looking at "Woman with a rectangular head." Daphne: Oh, was Mrs. Foster in the lobby again? Frasier: No, Daphne. Could you explain to me just how T.H. Houghton ended up in my apartment? Daphne: Well, he's only in town for a couple of days. He doesn't know too many people so he looked your father up, gave him a ring and Mr. Crane invited him over to watch the Mariners game. Frasier: [gobsmacked] He was here all afternoon? Daphne: Yes. It's a shame you couldn't be here. He told the most fascinating stories. Of course he and your father are getting on like old chums, but the sweetest thing was how he took to Eddie. Frasier: [clearly at his wits' end] He spent time with Eddie? Daphne: Fed him his afternoon biscuit. Frasier: Will the madness ever end? [Frasier walks off to the kitchen. Niles rushes after him.] Niles: Now, now, let's not give up hope. Maybe Dad will bring him back to the apartment after dinner. Frasier: Oh, well I doubt it. He'll probably run into J.D. Salinger and Salman Rushdie - go out for Margaritas. You know, Niles, these near misses are just excruciating. Daphne: [unseen in the living room] There you go, Mr. Houghton. You're welcome. [Frasier and Niles look up before tearing through to the living room. Daphne has just said goodbye.] Frasier: Was that him? Daphne: Yes. He forgot his coat. Frasier: [charging out the front door with Niles in hot pursuit] Hold the elevator! [The elevator door has just closed. Niles and Frasier collapse against it in despair.] Niles: We missed him again. [Eddie runs out to the hall and sits down in front of Niles and Frasier.] Frasier: Don't you dare gloat, you miserable little biscuit whore! [End of Act 1] [Act 2] QUESTION: HOW DID BABE RUTH CHANGE MUSICAL THEATER HISTORY? [Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment. Daphne is lying back on the couch reading, eating peanuts and having a drink. Eddie is keeping watch at the front door and suddenly barks. Daphne quickly gets up, pours what's left of her peanuts into her pocket, downs her drink, puts the glass in the other pocket, pulls out a cloth and begins dusting the table. By now Eddie has assumed his position in Martin's chair. Frasier wanders in and sees Daphne "hard at work".] Frasier: Afternoon, Daphne. Daphne: Hello. [throws Eddie a biscuit] Good dog! Oh, Dr. Crane. It's a good thing you're home. Mr. Houghton is dropping by to pick your father up for the Mariners game. Frasier: You serious? He's coming back? Daphne: Yes. Any minute. It's a double header. [Frasier looks blankly at her] They play two games! Frasier: Oh right, right. This is incredibly good fortune. I finally get to spend some time alone with the man, even if just for a few minutes. [The doorbell rings.] Frasier: Daphne, be a dear and stall Dad, will you? If he gives you any trouble just hide his cane. [Frasier opens the door full of expectation but is greeted by Niles instead.] Frasier: Niles! What fortuitous timing. Er... you know the wine shop just called a moment ago? It seems they're down to their last two cases of the '82 Chambolle-Musigny, so why don't you dash right down there and stack it all up? Niles: Okay. [just as the door is about to shut on him] Hold it! [looks suspiciously at Frasier] You know very well that in 1982 there was a drought in Bourgogne. The locals dubbed it "The Year of the Raisin." And that wine was never sold by the case, only by the bottle [forces his way in] T.H. Houghton is here, isn't he? Frasier: No. Niles: Fine. Then you won't mind if I just hang around for a while. Frasier: Oh, all right. He's on his way. He and Dad are going to a baseball game. It's a double header. [Niles looks blankly at him] They play two games! Martin: [emerging from his bedroom] Hi, Niles. Niles: Oh, Dad. So I hear that Mr. Houghton is on his way over. Maybe we could all have lunch before you head off. Frasier: Oh, that's a splendid idea. Martin: Nah, game starts in 45 minutes. Frasier: Well, then perhaps he could come by after the game for a drink. Martin: Nah, sorry. That won't work either. He's got to go to his publisher's. Drop off his new book. Frasier: Houghton has a new book? Niles: [stunned] I've lost the feeling in my legs! Frasier: Did he say anything about it? The characters? The setting? Martin: No. He just said it was a book. Niles: Dad! You have to skip the game. It's not just for our benefit. After all, it's baseball. The man must be starved for intellectual stimulation. Martin: Oh, I know what you're saying - that someone like that would have to prefer spending time with you than some dumbbell like me. Frasier: Dad - you're not dumb. You miss the point entirely! Look, let's just say, for example, you came home one afternoon and I was sitting here discussing literature with... oh, I don't know. Give me the name of a baseball player. Martin: Darryl Strawberry. Frasier: No, a real one! Martin: Frasier, the problem is, you push too hard. We just talk sports, have a few laughs. That's all. I don't ask him about his work - that's probably why he told me about the book. [The doorbell rings and Frasier goes to answer pondering Martin's words. It's T.H. Houghton.] Frasier: Mr. Houghton. Hello. Houghton: Hi. How you doing? Martin: Hey, Ted. Come on in. Frasier: So you two boys are off to the baseball game, huh? Double header. Niles: [proudly] That's two games! Houghton: Yeah. Niles: Little known fact about baseball: the owner of the Boston Red Sox sold Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees to finance a Broadway musical, "No No Nanette" Houghton: [after a period of silence] You ready, Marty? Martin: Let's go. Frasier: I really enjoyed chatting with you. Maybe you could drop back by after the game. We could pick up where we left off... [Frasier's words are left trailing as Martin and Houghton leave.] Frasier: [sarcastically] No No Nanette! Niles: I'm sorry. There are exactly two things that I could possibly add to a baseball conversation. That, and... no, just the one. [Both Frasier and Niles collapse on the sofa and lie back.] Niles: Frasier. Frasier: Yes. Niles: Have you noticed how Houghton always carries a satchel with him wherever he goes? Frasier: Well, actually as a matter of fact I have. Niles: And didn't Dad mention that Houghton was on his way to his publisher's after the game with a new manuscript? Frasier: [bored] Yes. Niles: And would that be the very same satchel, which is now resting under my head? Frasier: Oh my God! [SCENE_BREAK] [Frasier and Niles both leap up to see that Houghton has indeed left his manuscript on the arm of the sofa. They run up and Niles is about to examine it.] Frasier: Wait! Niles: Should we? Frasier: We shouldn't. Niles: Could we live with ourselves if we did? Frasier: Could we live with ourselves if we didn't? Niles: Could we live with ourselves either way? Frasier: Oh, stop it, Niles. Who are we kidding? [Frasier makes a grab for the manuscript but Niles stops him and pulls the manuscript delicately out of the satchel. Frasier goes and checks the front door. Niles has already placed the manuscript on the table and ever so slowly pulls the cover off.] Frasier: "The Chameleon's Song," by T.H. Houghton. Niles: These are hand-written corrections. Frasier - this is his original manuscript! [Daphne walks out from the bedroom.] Daphne: Shame on you! [Frasier and Niles both look extremely guilty] Going through someone else's personal property! Well, it's just plain wrong and I know your father wouldn't approve. Of course I wouldn't be here to tell him if I had the day off... Frasier: Fine, go. Daphne: [grabbing her jacket] Great! Although having a day off is pretty meaningless when you have no money to, you know, maybe go to lunch or do some shopping, perhaps take in a show... [takes money off Frasier as she walks past and out the door] Oh, thanks! Frasier: All right, Niles. Shall we? Niles: Not yet. The atmosphere has to be absolutely perfect. Frasier: Good point. [goes to the light dimmer switch] Let's begin with the lighting. Niles: Warmer. [Frasier turns the switch a tad] Warmer. [Frasier turns again] A little cooler. [Frasier turns again] A touch warmer. [Frasier turns again] A hair back. [Frasier gives up and goes over to the drinks cabinet whilst Niles, still concentrating on the lighting keeps on talking] No, no, a hair the other way. No, a touch warmer. Perfect. Frasier: [from the drinks cabinet] Good! Niles: Ooh excellent, excellent. What wine would most enhance the experience? Frasier: No, Niles. Wine might dull our faculties. Perhaps instead a slow sipping cordial would be the proper garnish. Niles: Sherry? Frasier: Armagnac. Niles: Oh, well see? That's why you're the older brother. [Frasier pours himself and Niles a glass and both sit down at the table with the manuscript in front of them.] [The scene SWITCHES to a little later and both are engrossed in the story.] Frasier: [nearly crying] Ooh! Niles: What is it? Frasier: I don't think you're there yet. Niles: [after a pause, then nearly crying] Ooh! [The scene SWITCHES to later still and Frasier and Niles are both finishing the story. They sit back gobsmacked.] Frasier: Well... it's a masterpiece. [Eddie, who is standing at the front door, barks.] Niles: Eddie! [to Frasier] I never thought I'd utter these words but it actually surpasses "Time Flies Tomorrow." [Eddie, still at the front door, barks twice.] Frasier: [annoyed] Eddie, please! I'm trying to savour the moment. [Eddie suddenly dashes off and, needless to say, the front door opens as Martin and Houghton enter. Frasier and Niles quickly go about trying to hide the evidence and put the manuscript back in the satchel but are caught.] Niles: [innocently] How was the game? Houghton: Is that my manuscript? Martin: What the hell's going on? Houghton: You went through my bag? That's my personal property. Martin: I don't believe you two. Frasier: Mr. Houghton, please. We are terribly, terribly sorry. Niles: The temptation to read it was just too great. Martin: What's that supposed to mean? You're grown men, both of you. At least I thought you were. You had no right to touch that. Ted, I'm sorry. I'm just so ashamed. Houghton: Marty, it's all right. Martin: No, it's not all right. Houghton: No, no, it's OK. Really. Somebody had to read it first. So what did you think? Niles: Of the book? Houghton: No, of my typing. Yes, of course of the book. Niles: Well... s'great. Frasier: Er... Wow! Houghton: Well, at least you liked it. I'm going to have to be running. Martin: Are you sure? I was going to make some coffee. Houghton: No, no. I got an appointment. Can I use the... Martin: [pointing towards the bathroom] Right there. [Houghton goes into the bathroom while Martin looks angrily at the boys.] Martin: Boy, I've had it with you guys. If you were "Hoss" and Little Joe, Ben Cartwright would kick your sorry butts right off the Ponderosa. Frasier: Dad. Dad, we're sorry. Niles: Very sorry. [Martin goes into the kitchen leaving the boys alone with their thoughts.] Frasier: He's back on the Cartwrights again. You know, some day we really should ask him just who the hell they are? You know, Niles, one thing just really bugs me. Houghton is going to leave here today thinking we're just a couple of inarticulate simpletons. Niles: What with those pithy comments we made about his masterpiece. Great. "Wow." Frasier: We'll go down in history with the same baboon who first read "Hamlet" and told Shakespeare "My goodness. What a parchment turn!" Niles: It's not too late. He hasn't left yet. Frasier: Yes, yes. We could still say something to show him that we appreciated the full complexity of his work. [Houghton emerges from the bathroom.] Frasier: Mr. Houghton, you know, there is one further thing I'd like to add about your book. Houghton: Yeah? Frasier: Well, it's the way you modulated into the second person narrative during the flashback scene. Frankly, it beggars anything Faulkner attempted. Houghton: Really? That's very flattering. Niles: Wait, I have one too. The way you so skilfully mirrored the structure of Dante's "Divine Comedy" was inspired. Houghton: Really? Frasier: Yes, yes. But the inferno of the bordello... Niles: Which we noticed had exactly nine rooms! Frasier: Uh-huh. To the purgatory of the assembly line and finally to the paradise of the farm. Houghton: You both saw that? Niles: Oh, it practically jumped off the page. Houghton: Well, that's very perceptive of you. Frasier: Well, thank you. Our turn to be flattered. Houghton: You're absolutely right. This whole book is crap! Niles: Beg your pardon? Houghton: How could I be so blind? I lifted the entire structure from Dante. Niles: Oh, you mean you weren't going for that. Houghton: Of course not. This confirms my worst fear. I have nothing original left to say. I'm an empty shell. I was a fool to think I had a second book in me. [reading from his manuscript] "The winters were harsh on the farm." Well, here's something to warm them up. [starts throwing the pages into the fire] Martin: [coming in from the kitchen] What's going on here? Houghton: You're both right. I'm a talentless hack who got lucky once. Frasier: Dad, we didn't say that. Martin: You're not listening to these two, are you? Houghton: Look at this trash. It won't even burn. Frasier: Well, it's a fireplace, you see. It's not well ventilated. Houghton: This book doesn't belong in a fireplace. It belongs in the gutter with the rest of society's garbage. [Houghton heads out to the balcony followed swiftly by Martin, Frasier and Niles, all protesting vehemently. However it is of no use and Houghton throws the entire manuscript over the railing and out onto the streets below.] Houghton: I want to thank you two. If I had published that book my reputation would have been destroyed. At least now I'm left with a shred of dignity. [Houghton walks off but unfortunately, given his last speech, a page is stuck to his shoe, which he doesn't notice. Niles goes to say something but Frasier stops him.] Martin: Happy? Hey, Ted. Wait up. [Martin follows Houghton outside leaving the boys alone once again.] Frasier: Well, we've destroyed a man's life. Niles: Not to mention depriving future generations of a work of art. Frasier: Well, you know on the other hand, had he actually published it the critics surely would have noticed that Dante parallel. Niles: Hmm. If he felt bad hearing it from us, imagine how he would have felt reading it in the "New York Review of Books." Frasier: Oh God, yes. With his fragile ego he would have been completely devastated. Niles: Who knows what he might have done? Frasier: You know, Niles... we saved that man's life. Niles: Yes, I think you're right. [then] On the other hand... Frasier: Don't go there! Niles: See, that's why you're the older brother. [End of Act 2] [SCENE_BREAK] Daphne is busy keeping watch through the peephole while Eddie rolls about on the sofa. Suddenly she turns and gives a whistle and Eddie immediately stops and assumes the position on Martin's chair. Meanwhile Daphne gets back to her cleaning. Frasier walks in and smiles at Daphne. However he becomes bemused by the whole tranquillity of the scene and just stares at the two of them suspiciously.
Plan: A: Frasier and Niles; Q: Who read the manuscript of Houghton's new book? A: spot T.H. Houghton; Q: What do Frasier and Niles do from an outdoor table at the Cafe Nervosa? A: T.H. Houghton; Q: Who is the author that Frasier and Niles idolize? A: Robert Prosky; Q: Who played T.H. Houghton? A: childhood; Q: When did Frasier and Niles idolize T.H. Houghton? A: a sports bar; Q: Where does Houghton end up after they lose track of him? A: Martin; Q: Who does Houghton become friends with at a sports bar? A: his satchel; Q: What did Houghton leave behind when he visited Frasier's apartment? Summary: From an outdoor table at the Cafe Nervosa, Frasier and Niles spot T.H. Houghton ( Robert Prosky ), an author they idolised from childhood, whose one and only work was a landmark novel called Time Flies Tomorrow . Wanting to speak to him, they follow him, but lose track of him, later finding him at a sports bar talking to Martin, who he becomes friends with. When Houghton visits Frasier's apartment, he accidentally leaves his satchel behind, which contains a manuscript of his long-awaited new book. Frasier and Niles read it and consider it a masterpiece, but in trying to praise Houghton, they convince him that the novel is hopelessly derivative and he destroys it before it can be published.
Scene: A lecture room at the university. Leonard: So, if any of you are considering going into experimental physics, my door is always open. Once again, I'm sorry that the demonstration didn't quite work out, but now we know what happens when you accidentally spill peach Snapple into a helium neon laser. Short answer is... don't. And now to tell you about the theoretical physics department is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Dr. Cooper? Sheldon (off): Forget it. Leonard: Excuse me. Sheldon, we both agreed to do this. Sheldon (off): It's a waste of time. I might as well explain the laws of thermodynamics to a bunch of labradoodles. Leonard: If you don't do this, I won't take you to the comic book store. Sheldon (entering): Hello. Nice work with the laser, by the way. Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I too was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14, and I'd already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to, despite my 9 o'clock bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although, it's more likely that you'll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make paper mache volcanoes with baking soda lava. Leonard: Oh, good God. Sheldon: In short, anyone who told you that you would someday be able to make any significant contribution to physics played a cruel trick on you, a cruel trick indeed. Any questions? Of course not. I weep for the future of science. Now if you'll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out. Come, Leonard. Leonard: Laser demonstration's looking pretty good now, huh? Credits sequence. Scene: The university cafeteria. Raj: I love this time of the year. The leaves are turning, there's a bracing chill in the air. Howard: Plus there's a whole new crop of female grad students about to put on just enough winter weight to make them needy and vulnerable. That's right, honey, have another calzone, Daddy can wait. Raj: Isn't there a university policy against dating graduate students? Leonard: No, if you can talk to them, you can ask them out. Raj: Damn, there's always a catch. Leslie Winkle (entering): Hey, guys. Leonard: Hey, Leslie. Leslie: So, dumbass, I heard you made a grad student throw up last night. Sheldon: The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it. But why should I cater to second-rate minds? Leslie: Because first-rate minds call you "dumbass"? Sheldon: Oh, yeah? Well... you're a mean person. Girl (arriving): Excuse me, Dr. Cooper, I'm Ramona Nowitzki, I was at your talk last night. I think you're just brilliant. Sheldon: That is the prevailing opinion. Leslie: Oh, now I'm gonna throw up. Howard: Howard Wolowitz, department of engineering, co-designer of the International Space Station's Liquid Waste Disposal System. Ramona: Ew. Dr. Cooper, I've read everything you've published. I especially liked your paper on grand unification using string-network condensates and was wondering how you determined that three-dimensional string-nets provided a unified picture of fermions and gauge bosons? Sheldon: Amazing, an intelligent labradoodle. Howard: Woof. Sheldon: The fact is I'm quite close to a breakthrough in showing how neutrinos emerge from a string-net condensate. Ramona: Oh, my God, that would change the way we view the entire physical universe. Sheldon: It's what I do. Howard: You know, the Pishkin-Wolowitz Liquid Waste Disposal System is turning a few heads as well. Ramona: Again, ew. You know, I'd love to hear more about how you intend to add neutrinos. Could we get a cup of coffee sometime? Sheldon: I don't drink coffee. Howard: I do. I love me a cup of joe. Ramona: Well, it doesn't have to be coffee. How about dinner? Sheldon: I do eat dinner. Ramona: Great. I know a terrific little Italian place. Sheldon: I never eat in strange restaurants. One runs the risk of non-standard cutlery. Ramona: Excuse me? Leonard: Sheldon lives in fear of the three-tined fork. Sheldon: Three tines is not a fork, three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas. Ramona: What if I brought food to your place? Sheldon: That would be acceptable. On Mondays, I eat Thai food. Mee krob and chicken sate with extra peanut sauce from Siam Palace. Ramona: You got it. I already have your address. Sheldon: What a nice girl. Howard: Sheldon, do you have any idea what just happened? Sheldon: Yes. Apparently I'm getting a free dinner. Scene: The apartment building lobby. Ramona is waiting by the lift. Penny enters. Penny: Oh, yeah, no, this thing's majorly out of order. (Picking up out of order sign) See? Sorry. Ramona: That's okay. Guess I'm taking the stairs. Penny: Where you going? Ramona: 4-A. Penny: Oh, are you here to see Leonard? Ramona: No, Dr. Cooper. Penny: Dr. Sheldon Cooper? Ramona: We're having dinner. Penny: Sheldon Cooper? Tall, thin, looks a little like a giant praying mantis? Ramona: He is cute, isn't he? Penny: Sheldon Cooper? Scene: The apartment. Leonard opens the door, Ramona and Penny are outside. Ramona: Hi, Leonard. Leonard: Hey, Ramona. Come on in. Ramona: Thanks. Where should I put this? Leonard: Uh, the kitchen's fine. (To Penny) Hey, what are you doing? Penny: I need to see this. Leonard: Uh-huh. The viewing area's right over there. Sheldon, your girl... date... person... Ramona's here. Sheldon: Oh, hello. Ramona: Oh, sorry I'm late. I just got so caught up reading the draft of your latest paper. Sheldon: Did you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror-symmetry by likening it to the Flash playing tennis with himself? Ramona: So funny. But the idea that you might be able to incorporate gravity, I have to tell you, I found it physically exhilarating. Sheldon: My hypotheses tend to have that effect. Ramona: I'm sorry I didn't bring enough for your friends. I assumed we were going to be alone. Leonard: Oh, yeah. No, we were just going. Howard: To watch, right? Leonard: No, come on, now, we're going out. Penny: Oh, come on, we'll be quiet. Leonard: Let's go. Okay, you two, just, have a nice... whatever this is. Penny (in hallway): Okay, you guys, look, I know this is none of my business, but I just, I have to ask, what's Sheldon's deal? Leonard: What do you mean "deal"? Penny: You know, like what's his deal? Is it girls? Guys? Sock puppets? Leonard: Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal. Penny: Come on, everybody has a deal. Howard: Not Sheldon. Over the years, we've formulated many theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mytosis. Penny: I'm sorry? Howard: I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons. Leonard: On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species, and someday he'll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton. Penny: Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares. Leonard: Hey, do you want to hang out with us? Penny: What are you guys gonna do? Leonard: Uh... Howard: My mom's making a brisket tonight. Leonard: The one with the little onions? Mmm. Penny: Yeah, I'm busy, so, goodnight. Howard: Her loss. Let's go. Raj: Brisket party! B-to-the-R-to-the-I-S-K... To-the-E-to-the-T... Ooh... Leonard: Don't. Scene: The cafeteria. Leonard: Hey, aren't you having breakfast? Sheldon: Yes. Leonard: Are you experimenting with nutritional suppositories again? Sheldon: Not in these pants. Leonard: So, how'd it go with Ramona last night? Sheldon: Oh, great. She's smart, insightful and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me. Ramona (arriving): Here's your spinach mushroom omelette . Sheldon: Thank you. Did anyone touch it? Ramona: Gloves were worn by everyone involved. I was vigilant. Sheldon: Ramona pointed out that I've been wasting 20 minutes a day standing on cafeteria lines. Ramona: Time which would be better spent tackling the great physics problems of our day. Sheldon: You don't tackle the big issues, Ramona. You fence with them. En garde. Riposte. Leonard: Touche. Leslie (arriving): Morning. Leonard: Ah, hey Leslie. Leslie: So, Sheldon, I see you're organizing your papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumbassery. Ramona: There won't be any room until they get rid of the permanent Leslie Winkle exhibit. Sheldon: Oh, good one. Leslie: I see you got a grad student to fight your battles for you. I'll let you keep your lunch money today. Ramona: Okay, Dr. Cooper is on the verge of a breakthrough. If you're going to stay, you'll have to be respectful and quiet. (Leslie leaves. Ramona looks pointedly at Leonard) Leonard: Wait for me. Ramona: So have you worked out the neutrino issue? Sheldon: Well, to paraphrase Mozart, all the subatomic particles are there, I just have to put them in the right order. Ramona: You're so witty. Sheldon: Aren't I? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The apartment. There is a knock on the door which then opens and Penny enters. Penny: Hey, guys, this package came for y... (Sheldon is sitting in his usual seat, typing on his laptop. One foot is in a foot spa. Ramona is pumicing the other.) Ramona: Dr. Cooper is working. Sheldon: Yes, I'm close to a breakthrough. Ooh, it tickles Penny: Sorry. (Puts package down and leaves. In hallway, shudders) Holy crap on a cracker. Leonard: Hey, Penny. Penny: Hi. You know, you probably don't want to go in there. Leonard: Why? What are they doing? Penny: You know, the only way I could explain it would be in a therapist's office with dolls. Leonard (enters): Hoo-boy. Ramona: Dr. Cooper's working. Leonard: Yeah, I can see that. Sheldon, Halo night, Koothrappali's. You coming? Sheldon: Oh, yes, it's Halo night. Let me just dry my tootsies. Ramona: You're not going to Halo night. Sheldon: Yes, I am. It's Wednesday. Wednesday's Halo night. Ramona: Didn't a great man once say, "Science demands nothing less than the fervent and unconditional dedication of our entire lives"? Sheldon: He did. Ramona: And who was that great man? Sheldon: Me. Sorry, Leonard. Leonard: Seriously? You're not coming? Sheldon: You heard her. How can I argue with me? Leonard: Okay, well, once again, you guys have a good... whatever this is. Ramona: Dr. Cooper, I have to tell you, your friends are holding you back. Sheldon: I prefer to think of it as I'm pulling them forward. Ramona: Halo night? A man with your intellectual gifts doesn't waste an evening playing video games. Sheldon: He does on Wednesdays. Ramona: Not if he wants a Nobel Prize. Sheldon: He does want that. Does a man with my intellectual gifts play paintball on weekends? Ramona: What do you think? Sheldon: Drat. Ramona: Now shall we get back to work? Sheldon: I suppose. Battlestar Galactica comes on tonight. (Pause) I guess I can wait for the DVD. (Pause) And then never ever watch it. Montage of scenes: To the sound of "You Can Be My Yoko Ono" by Barenaked Ladies we see 1. the guys set off for paintball while Sheldon, dressed in paintball gear, sadly waves them goodbye, 2. Ramona catch Sheldon hiding behind the shower curtain playing on a Nintendo DS, 3. Ramona remove a book Sheldon is reading to reveal a Batman comic underneath, 4. Sheldon escape the apartment in his paintball gear only to be chased back inside by Ramona returning with groceries, she finds him sitting in his underpants with his paintball helmet still on. Scene: Outside Penny's apartment. Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock, in a low voice): Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny Penny: Sheldon, honey, I've told you, it's a small apartment, you only have to knock one time. Sheldon: Please, please, I don't have a lot of time. Look, Ramona finally dozed off, and I need you to help me get rid of her. Penny: Get rid of her how? Sheldon: I don't know, but apparently I'm in some kind of relationship, and you seem to be an expert at ending them. Penny: Excuse me? Sheldon: I see man after man leaving this apartment never to return. Penny: Okay, first of all, it is not man after man. Ramona (off): Dr. Cooper?! Sheldon: Hide me. Penny: Hide you? Sheldon: I formally request sanctuary. Ramona: Why aren't you working? Sheldon: Um... she distracted me. I told you, Penny, I don't have time for your nonsense, I have important things to do. Penny: Oh, man. Ramona: I know what's going on here. Penny: Really? Well, then will you explain it to me? Ramona: You're in love with Dr. Cooper. Penny: Uh, yeah, no, that's not it. Ramona: Don't try to deny it. He's a remarkable man, but you have to let him go. Penny: Oh, gee, okay. Ramona: I know it's hard, but he's a gift to the whole world, and we can't be selfish. Penny: Yeah, he's a gift all right. Ramona: Sisters? Penny: Um, sure, sisters. (Ramona leaves.) Holy crap on a cracker. Scene: Leonard's bedroom. He is asleep. There is a tapping on the wall. He wakes up. Leonard: Sheldon? (Pause, then more tapping) What are you doing?! Sheldon: It's Morse code. Leonard: Why? Sheldon: So we can communicate through the wall. Leonard: We are communicating through the wall. Sheldon: Yes, but the communication is not encrypted. Leonard: I don't know Morse code. Sheldon: It's very simple. This is A (knock knock) this is B (knock knock-knock-knock) this is C... Leonard: Sheldon, I'm not going to learn Morse code at three o'clock in the morning! Sheldon: All right. Leonard: Don't come in here, don't come in here, don't come in here, don't (Sheldon enters) Aw! What's going on? Sheldon: Shh! Ramona's sleeping on the couch. Leonard: I know. When is she going home? Sheldon: Never, that's the problem. I need your help. Leonard: What are you talking about? Sheldon: I'm invoking the Skynet clause of our friendship agreement. Leonard: That only applies if you need me to help you destroy an artificial intelligence you created that's taking over the Earth. Sheldon: Come on! Don't nitpick! Leonard: Good night. Sheldon: Shh. All right, I'm invoking our bodysnatchers clause. Leonard: The bodysnatchers clause requires me to help you destroy someone we know who's been replaced with an alien pod. Sheldon: Yes. She's in the living room. Go, I'll wait here. Ramona (entering): Sheldon, what are you doing out of bed? Sheldon: Now! Do it! Ramona: You know you need your sleep in order for your cognitive processing to perform at optimum levels. Now come on. Sheldon: Godzilla clause? Leonard: Not unless she destroys Tokyo. Sheldon: Rats. Scene: The living room. Sheldon is surrounded by whiteboards. Sheldon (excitedly): I've got it! I finally reconciled the black hole information paradox with my theory of string-network condensates! Ramona: It's unbelievable! It's paradigm-altering! Sheldon: And I could not have done it without you. Ramona: Oh, please, I just offered a little encouragement. Sheldon: It was a lot more than that. You helped me work out the masses of all the fermions, and you pumiced my hammer toe. How can I ever repay you? Ramona: Well, would you consider naming it the Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem? Sheldon: Who's Nowitzki? Ramona: I'm Nowitzki. Sheldon: Oh, you want me to share credit? Ramona: Uh-huh. Sheldon: Get out! Scene: The hallway, Ramona is leaving. Penny: Oh, hey, hi. Ramona: Oh, bite me! Penny: Sisters? Scene: The cafeteria. A red haired girl approaches the table. Girl: Excuse me, Dr. Cooper, I'm Kathy O'Brien. I just finished reading your paper reconciling the black hole information paradox with your theory of string-network condensates, and it just took my breath away. Sheldon: Maybe when I publish it, I'll include an inhaler. Kathy: Would you possibly have any time for me to pick your brain? Sheldon: Let's see, today's Thursday. Thursday nights, I eat pizza from Giacomo's. Sausage, mushrooms, light olives. Kathy: Great. I'll bring it to your place. I have the address. Sheldon: What a nice girl. Leonard: Sheldon, do you see what just happened here? Sheldon: Yes, I'm getting a free pizza. I'm on a roll. Scene: The living room. The guys are eating. Sheldon: More Pad Thai, please. Howard: Sheldon, you've already had four servings. Raj: You might want to slow down a bit, buddy. Sheldon: Just one more bite. Leonard: Sheldon? Sheldon, are you okay? Sheldon: I'm just so... full. (Sheldon begins to shake uncontrollably, then expand, then a second Sheldon separates from the original Sheldon and ends up sitting next to him. Leonard wakes up in bed with a start.) Leonard: That's it. No more Thai food.
Plan: A: a lecture; Q: What did Ramona Nowitzki attend that made her fall in love with Sheldon? A: Ramona Nowitzki; Q: Who is the graduate student who insinuates herself into Sheldon's life? A: his platonic girlfriend/assistant/manager; Q: What does Ramona Nowitzki become to Sheldon? A: the puzzlement; Q: What did Penny and the guys think of Ramona Nowitzki? A: a helpful influence; Q: What does Ramona prove to be on Sheldon's work? A: help; Q: What does Sheldon seek from Penny and Leonard to get rid of Ramona? A: Leslie Winkle; Q: Who is Sheldon's rival? A: a verbal confrontation; Q: How does Ramona beat Leslie Winkle? A: his apartment; Q: Where does Ramona move into to control Sheldon? A: his usual recreational activities; Q: What does Ramona prohibit Sheldon from doing? A: Eventually Sheldon; Q: Who realizes that he is in a relationship with Ramona? A: a research breakthrough; Q: What does Sheldon realize he would not have achieved without Ramona? A: his discovery; Q: What does Ramona suggest they share credit for? A: "The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem; Q: What does Ramona suggest they call their discovery? A: another student; Q: Who approaches Sheldon in the same way Ramona did? Summary: After a lecture by Leonard and Sheldon, a graduate student named Ramona Nowitzki is so impressed by Sheldon that she insinuates herself into his life as his platonic girlfriend/assistant/manager, to the puzzlement of Penny and the guys. Ramona proves to be a helpful influence on Sheldon's work, even bettering his rival Leslie Winkle in a verbal confrontation, but Ramona moves into his apartment to control him, prohibiting his usual recreational activities and forcing him to concentrate solely on his research. Eventually Sheldon realizes that he is in "some sort of relationship" with Ramona, and seeks help from Penny and Leonard to get rid of her, but without success. Sheldon eventually makes a research breakthrough he tells Ramona he would never have achieved without her, and gratefully asks how he can repay her. She suggests they share credit for his discovery by calling it "The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem". He asks "Who is Nowitzki?" and at her answer he angrily ejects her. After another student reads a preprint of the new theorem, she approaches Sheldon in the same way Ramona initially did.
Dylan: Okay, so we've ruled out bank account... Mikayla: Credit cards... Dylan: IP address, and longitude and latitude because Wes said... Mikayla: Maps are dumb. What else has fourteen digits? Dylan: Maybe we can't crack this. Mikayla: We can! We just need to clear our heads and think. Dylan: Maybe my dad just randomly scribbled them on the paper. Maybe they mean nothing. Maybe... Mikayla: You shouldn't be such a Sally-giver-upper! Come on, think! Ungh! Oh-oh-oh! Ooh! I saw this on "Scandal"! Write down a bunch of the numbers in different sequences and we can see if we can recognize anything. Dylan: That's gonna take forever. Wait. W-w-wait! These numbers here, aren't they... Mikayla: Open Heart's main line phone number! But what about the last four numbers? An extension? Your mom's? Dylan: No. (Dialing beeps) (Phone rings) Dylan: Thanks, Mikayla. Mikayla: For what? Dylan: Not letting me give up. Recorded voice: (Quiet) Welcome to open heart memorial. (Over speakerphone) If you know the extension of the party you wish to reach, please enter it now. (Dialing beeps) I'm sorry, that extension is no longer in service. Dylan: It's out of date. Would records keep an old list of phone numbers around? Mikayla: I know who to ask. And you're not going to like it. Jared has a part-time job digitizing old files. Yet another way he can lord power over everything. Jared hates my guts. He's not gonna help us with the phone extension. Mikayla: Let me do the talking. Mikayla: (Exhales sharply, preparing) Jared: Good morning. Mikayla: Hey, Jared, um... you wouldn't be able to look up an old phone extension in this little computer machine, would you? I can probably find what part of the hospital it used to belong to. Why? Mikayla: Do you really need to know why? Jared: No. What's the number? (Keyboard keys clack) All right, found it. (Printer whirs) I'm a bit worried I'm breaking the rules for nothing. Dylan: What do you want, Jared? Jared: A date with Mikayla. Dylan: Done. Mikayla: Wait! Jared: Sweet! Mikayla: Um... but... wait! Jared: Don't worry, I-I'll-I'll make all the plans. Mikayla: (Frantic exhale) (Unlocking click) (Heartbeat pulses) Dr. K: We've admitted a woman, Veronica Rykov, who's complaining of stomach pain. Says it's been about two days. Otherwise, she's healthy and fit. Hud: How fit are we talking? London: Why, are you jealous? You gonna challenge her to a dips contest? Dr. K: (Laughs) "Dips contest." Hud: Is that funny, Dr. K? Dr. K: (Chuckling) "Dips... " Uh, caught me off guard. Scarlet: Holy teacher's pet. Hud: Yeah, she's a special snowflake. London: Hey! Dr. K: Enough bickering! London, why don't you help assess? HUD: I don't need her help. Dr. K: I disagree. Dr. McWhinnie, you'll shadow Dr. Jane Blake for the day. Everybody, get your faces... out of my face. Go! Dylan: So the extension was connected to a room in old south wing? Where is that? Wes: Old part of the hospital. South side, branches off like a wing. There's clues in the name if you listen. Mikayla: That wing was shut down. Dylan: Why? Wes: Haunted. Dylan: Right. Mikayla: No, seriously. It's like creep-city. Dylan: Cool! Who's up for an adventure? Wes: I'm in. How'd you get Jared to cough that up, anyway? I-I promised him a date with Mikayla. Mikayla: (Annoyed exhale) Yeah, good luck, guys. Dylan: Wait. You're not coming with us? No, Dylan. I don't wanna come on your little adventure. And I don't wanna go to old south wing, and I don't wanna go on a date with Jared. Okay, we can call the date off. Mikayla: No, that's not the point. Friends don't sell out friends like you just did to me. (Receding footsteps) (Water flows) Jane: Pretty typical gastrostomy. Patient cannot eat on his own, so I'm going to insert a feeding tube into his stomach until he can. Are you recording everything I'm saying? Scarlet: I don't wanna forget it. I look up to you so much. More than any other doctor here. Jane: Even Dr. Karamichaelidis? He has his favourite... it's not me. Really. Who is it? Scarlet: Don't get me wrong, okay? I love London, and it's really not her fault, but... Dr. K is always defending her and laughing at her lame jokes. (Clears throat awkwardly) This is totally inappropriate. Sorry. No, I appreciate your candor, Scarlet. I do. In fact, why don't you scrub in? I will go change! (Jane takes a deep breath, door closes) Veronica: Oh! Ow! Ow! Hud: I hate to say it, but it's appendicitis. Veronica: Oh no. Really? London: Why are you so sure? Hud: Her indigestion, rapidly worsening pain, and also, because... it's appendicitis. Veronica: I'm terrified of surgery. I hate needles. I know that must sound childish. Hud: No, it's not childish. Dr. Blake here has got a list of phobias as long as her arm. Loud noises, sunken ships... Pineapples for some reason. London: He's joking. I'm only slightly acrophobic. It's afraid of heights. Hud: And of being wrong. Don't worry, we'll take good care of you. Do you have to second guess me in front of the patient? London: She's of child-bearing age. It could present as appendicitis but actually be pid or a tubal pregnancy. We should run a Beta-HCG test to make sure. Uh, I'd like to do that that test. Hud: Course. Dr. Blake here will deal with the lab. London: Wait. Can you deal with the lab? Hud: No. You forced the issue, you do it. London: No, I can't! The lab tech and I, it's very awkward. Whatever happens with Veronica's test results, I'll tell Dr. K it was all you, and you're a genius doctor, and... I'll take your next on-call rotation. Hud: Next two on-call rotations? Yes! Thank you. Dylan: I can't believe Mikayla bit my head off like that. You did saddle her up with Jared. It's one date. It's not a big deal. It is to her. I mean, she's... She's never had a boyfriend or... been on a date. Well, I didn't know that. Why? (Sighs) Dylan: Ugh! I am in the dark here, Wes. And whoa... speaking of dark, this is way creepier than I thought it would be. Wes: (Whispers) Awesome. This is the old psychiatric ward. They decided to build a new one because, you know, it's a little more friendly. Dylan: Good. Because this is freaking Azkaban. What do you think's in there? Wes: Huh. Reception area, maybe? Dylan: We have to get in there. Wes: Okay. (Wrenches wood from frame) (Low rumbling of machinery in the distance) Wes: Here. Dylan: Thanks. Wes: Hey, no problem. Dylan: The filing cabinet. Maybe it has old records. (Filing cabinet scrapes across floor) (Heavy thump, Wes and Dylan gasp in horror) (Shaky breaths) (Shocked whisper) It's a body! Mm-mm. Mm... nope. This is not good. This is not good! Dylan: We have to find out whose office this is! Wes: But no, there's a De-d-Dylan? Uh... (Drawer slides open) Dylan: You've seen a body before, Wes. Wes: Yeah, but... old people bodies! Died-of-natural-causes bodies! But people who die of natural causes, they don't roll themselves up in tarps and shove themselves in filing cabinets, which means this is a murder body. This is a murder body. Dylan: Hold this. (Box cutter blade ratchets) No! Evidence! Dylan... we shouldn't... evidence! (Tarp tears) Dylan! (Tarp rustles) Dylan: Ew! Wes: Oh! No, no, no, no, no. Oh no. Dylan: (Shaky exhale) It's a woman. It's the... it's the same diamond ring. Thank God. (Breathless) That's great. But why's that great? Dylan: Because that means this isn't my dad. (Phone rattles) (Taps phone) Dr. Ellen Yan. I mean, do you... You think that's her? Your dad had her phone extension. I mean, you don't think he... Dylan: He had nothing to do with this, Wes. It's not connected. It can't be. (Sighs) So what do we do now? We do what you should do when you find a dead body. Call the police. Seth: Hey, I'm pretty slammed right now, man. Hud: They're for Dr. London Blake. (Scribbles on paper) Seth: Oh. Yeah. Top of the pile then. So all I have to do to get prioritized is make out with you, huh? Seth: (Sighs) London told you? Hud: It was an educated guess, unfortunately, for me. Seth: Hey, you guys started your residency at the same time, right? Six brutal months ago. So you know her. Like... any advice? I-I don't want to get involved in your nerd drama. Seth: Oh. Hmm. (Lab order rustles) Hud: (Sighs heavily) Fine. Look. This... this one time, I overheard London talking about what she finds romantic... Rooftops. [SCENE_BREAK] (Lab order rustles) Veronica: Oh! Ow! Agh! London: You know, we can help manage the pain. Veronica: No, no. Let's just wait for the test results. (Phone chimes) Oh no. Veronica: Is it bad news? London: Oh no, it's not about you. I... I have got to go talk to somebody. Veronica: Oh... you don't seem real happy about it. Well, it's not the guy, it's the place. It's London, right? London Blake? Uh, it's Dr. Blake. Veronica: (Painful exhale) Did you know that guy that went missing a while back? 'Cause it was all over the news. Yeah. That's... that's my dad. Oh, no... I'm so sorry. That's hard. He hasn't called you at all? Oh... I think I remember reading there was another daughter, your sister? That must be hard, her being so young. London: Well, uh... Veronica: And it's weird that the police don't have any leads? London: Police closed the case, and I'm closing this conversation. Veronica: Oh my God, I'm... I'm sorry! I've offended you. I'm just so nervous about these test results. Please don't be mad. London: I'm not mad. (Phone chimes) I'll uh... I'll check back with you in a bit. Thanks, Dr. Blake. Goodis: Right. Yeah. Looks mummified. Okay. (Phone beeps off) Dylan: Thanks for coming, Detective Goodis. Wes: Yeah, we shouldn't even be here. Goodis: Look, my team is on the way, so you two need to get outta here. I'll just say I got an anonymous tip. Can you at least tell us what you found out? Goodis: (Tapping pen) Dr. Ellen Yan was the last psychiatrist in charge of the ward before it got shut down. Hmm. She was reported missing last fall. Now we know why. That's just before my dad disappeared... There's no way he did this. Wes: No, I know... It's probably just a coincidence. Don't worry, we'll figure out the connection. (Door bursts open) You let Dr. McWhinnie assist with your gastrostomy? Jane: Her suture technique is impeccable. Far above her peers. Dr. K: You let her suture? Jane: Yeah. Dr. K: She's not ready for that. Scarlet is my resident. Really? Because as far as she's concerned, London is your only resident. Dr. K: Ridiculous. Jane: Mm-hmm? If I pay more attention to London, it's because she needs it. Or because she's better than they are, or... She's your girlfriend's daughter? Dr. K: Maybe. Jane: Yeah. Jane: Look, if Scarlet already sees this preferential treatment, it won't be long before London sees it too and wonders why. (Sighs) I'll dial it back. Jane: Thank you. Dr. K: Can I help it, though? She might be my stepdaughter one day. ♪ I find it strange, find it strange ♪ ♪ that you're wandering in this place ♪ London: (Breathing hard) ♪ I thought it changed, thought it changed ♪ ♪ but the more it stays the same ♪ London: (Anxious breaths) ♪ Which one of us will look away ♪ (Gasping for air) Ooh, it's... It's really high. (Hysterical giggles) Seth: Yeah, uh... thanks for coming. Kinda romantic, huh? Hud told me you like rooftops. London: He did?! Oh, of course he did. So... (Breathing hard) Um... (Gasps for air) Okay, you wanna like uh... you wanna talk? Uh, yeah. Look, I-I don't want you to feel weird, but there's something between us... And-and I-I know you have a lot of pressure on you and we work together, but... London: (Gasping for air) Seth: I-I-I think we should try to... London: (Gasps for air) Seth: You know, give it a go... if... if you want to. (Gasping for air) Seth: Are you okay?! London: No! I can't-I can't! (Gasping) Oh! (Gasps) I feel like I'm dying! Seth: Okay. Forget about it then. London: No! Sorry! No! I can't be up here. (Gasping for air) I don't like heights! Seth: Oh. Oh! Uh, okay. Uh, here. London: (Shrieks) Seth: Oh, no, no. Sorry. Sorry. London: (Gasping for air) Hey, hey, hey hey... Just-just, just breathe. 'Kay, look at me, look at me, and just breathe. London: (Calming breaths) You know, it's kinda weird to like rooftops if you're afraid of heights. (Laughs) Uh-huh, hmm... (Laughs) Hey, you okay? London: Inhalation... exhalation... (Breathing more evenly) Are returning to normal. Oh... heart rate's decelerating... Returning to normal. (Breathing slower) That's funny. I'm kind of having the opposite problem over here. ♪ Which one of us will look away? ♪ (Kissing) Dylan: I have to talk something out with you. Major craziness in the south wing. Jared: So... for our date, I have a coupon for sixty minutes at sky zone, which is a total blast. Followed by dinner. Do you like falafels? It's not happening, Jared. Jared: What? You can't renege on our deal. I just did, and it wasn't my deal anyway. Wes: Hey. Uh... Try to put a smile on for the kids. Yeah. Uh-oh! Looks like there's a little girl who hasn't taken her superpower pills yet! It's medicine. They're pretty icky, huh? Yeah, well... you're in luck because my sidekick has this yummy jell-o that's gonna make these nasty pills taste super-awesome! Here. They'll make you feel better. See? Sometimes everyone needs a little help. Wes: Yup. Dylan: Oh my God. What? What's wrong? If Ellen Yan was the hospital psychiatrist, maybe she was treating my dad. What? You think he was in therapy? For what? Dylan: Jared? When we're done here, I'm gonna need every file records has on Richard Blake. He might've been a patient. Jared: I don't care, Dylan. You didn't come through on our first deal, why should I help you at all? Jerk. He's just doing his job. You don't understand, Mikayla. My dad was sick and I had no idea. Why would he keep something like that from me? Mikayla: Maybe he was ashamed. Dylan: Of what? I can't help people if I don't know what's going on. It's not easy telling someone you're sick, Dylan! And your dad isn't the only person who's ever been a patient here, okay? (Shaky breaths, on the verge of tears) (Phone rings in the distance, Mikayla sniffles) (Low hum of chatter, approaching footsteps) Dylan: I'm sorry I was a bit... jerky. I didn't mean it. I guess, at times, I can just be a little bit oblivious. Mikayla: A bit? I should've known better. You don't like secrets. When I was 12, I was diagnosed with Ewing's sarcoma. I basically lived here during my treatment, for like... three years. (Sniffs) That's why everybody here knows me. Were you cured? No. I'm in remission. Dylan: Why didn't you want me to know? Mikayla: Because you were my first new friend who didn't know. Even Jared saw me during my last round of chemo. Not exactly an impression you want your first date to have. You never treated me like "the sick girl" and I guess I didn't want that to change. Dylan: It doesn't change anything. My old friend, Rayna, she didn't care about anything. But you no matter what crazy plan, scheme, or idea I come up with, you're always willing to help. Why is that? Mikayla: Because... life is short, Dylan Blake. Hey, I brought something that'll make us feel a little bit better. But I have to warn you, I kinda stole it. (Laughs) Amazing. (Door bangs shut, low buzz of chatter) London: Hey, you told Seth I like rooftops?! I told him you love rooftops. I said I was afraid of heights. Huh. I must have misunderstood. Look, I totally freaked out in front of him! Hud: And then what happened? London: Well, and then, you know, we decided to date. Hud: You're welcome! London: But it could've gone badly. Why would you set me up like that? Because you mocked me in front of Dr. K, overruled me in front of my own patient, and you constantly act like you're better than me. I didn't know you were so sensitive. It's called having feelings. Maybe you're not familiar. I have feelings. I didn't know that you had feelings. I'm sorry. Look, what we're doing here trying to become doctors, it... it's not a competition. You and I need to have each other's backs. I have your back, Hud, from now on. I swear. So it's appendicitis? Uh... no. It's clear. All the lab results were negative. There's nothing wrong with Veronica Rykov. London: Let's give her the good news then. Where'd she go? ♪ Put your toes... ♪ ♪ In cold water ♪ ♪ is it too deep for you? ♪ ♪ Why don't you just jump in? ♪ Wes: Oh! Uh... here's everything records has on Richard Blake. Dylan: You got Jared to help? Mikayla: I'm not going out with him, Wes! Wes: No. I am. Sky zone is a blast. (Coroner van engine starts) Dylan: Receipts for prescriptions filled at the hospital pharmacy. Loxapine, perphenazine, clor-clozapine... what the hell are these for? They sound scary, right? Mikayla: You know what? We'll figure it out. For now, maybe we should just... call it a day. Dylan: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I'll see you guys tomorrow. Mikayla: Okay. Wes: Uh... I'll s-okay. All right. Dylan: Okay. Mikayla: You're gonna have to tell her soon... That you've "caught feelings." Shut up. No I haven't. Oh, please. We've all got our secrets, Wes. Being secretly in love with Dylan? That's yours.
Plan: A: Richard's watch; Q: Where is the origami note hidden? A: Wes; Q: Along with Dylan, who investigates the origami note? A: London; Q: Who cares for a patient who snoops into her father's disappearance? A: her father's vanishing; Q: What does London's patient snoop into? A: Dr. K; Q: Who plays favorites? Summary: An origami note hidden in Richard's watch is investigated by Dylan and Wes. Meanwhile, London cares for a patient who snoops into her father's vanishing, and Dr. K plays favorites.
LUCAS: (v.o) Previously on One Tree Hill. [INT. DAVIS SCOTT APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Brooke and Lucas are alone in the apartment. Brooke is propositioning him to stay.) BROOKE: So, are we staying yet? LUCAS: (Looking at her longingly.) Are we exclusive yet? (He leans in to her neck and she smiles widely.) LUCAS: (In her ear.) Game on, Brooke Davis. (Brooke gapes as Lucas leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - BOARD MEETING - EVENING] (Karen stands up after Dan says his piece in an attempt to get Whitey fired.) KAREN: I would like to say something. DAN: Uh, Mayor Mullins, I object. MAYOR: Well this is not a court of law, Dan. (Dan's annoyed.) MAYOR: Sit down. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - DAY] (Lucas stops playing basketball, by himself, and holds his chest; finding it hard to breathe. He leans down, still struggling.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - EVENING] (Lucas tips his medicine container upside-down and out falls his last pill. He looks up worriedly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Peyton is in her closet, having just run away from her father. He's at her door, shouting at her.) LARRY: I'm still your father(!) PEYTON: (Distraught) But you're not my father, are you?! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - NATHAN'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Dan and Deb are in Nathan's bedroom.) DAN: A divorce is fine, Deb. (He looks down. Deb doesn't dare to hope.) DAN: You seem surprised. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RESTAURANT - DINING AREA - EVENING] (Peyton places the cocaine vial Rick gave her last season in front of Ellie.) PEYTON: Here. It's my cocaine vial. (Ellie looks at her.) PEYTON: I thought you might like it considering you were buying drugs today. (She smiles unkindly.) LUCAS: (v.o) Ellie was- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - THE GYM - EVENING] (Peyton and Lucas are in the gym, talking.) LUCAS: -buying marijuana... but not for the reasons you think. (Pause) She's sick. She has cancer, Peyton. (Peyton's smile drops.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HIGH FLYERS - CHANGING ROOM - EVENING] (Nathan is alone in the changing room.) NATHAN: (v.o) Always and forever. (He puts the chain, which holds his wedding ring, around his neck.) NATHAN: (v.o) That's what sucks, Haley. (The camera zooms in on it and the scar he got from his car accident.) NATHAN: (v.o) I still do love you- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - NATHAN'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Nathan is talking to Haley who is off-screen. He's in his bed, propped up on one elbow.) NATHAN: -I just can't trust you. (Haley stands by the door with her hands at her neck, miserable.) FADE TO BLACK: END OF PREVIOUSLY ON: OPENING CREDITS ROLL: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. COSTUME SHOP - DAY] (Lucas stands behind the doors of the changing room. The camera focuses on his bare feet.) LUCAS: (Sighing) Now way, Hales! HALEY: (o.s) Let me see it(!) LUCAS: I look... like an idiot. (Cut to Haley who is standing next to a big stuffed bunny and trying on a clown hat.) HALEY: Dude, I saw you in your headgear. (The hat falls down around her ears, her head inside.) LUCAS: Don't call me dude and I thought we promised not to talk about that in public(!) HALEY: (Pulls the brim of the hat up.) Whatever, dude. (Pause) Look, I'm counting to three and then I'm coming in there. One, two- (Lucas pushes the doors open and walks out - with a withdrawn expression. He dressed as a caveman and holds the plastic club up, embarrassed.) (Haley takes one look at him and starts laughing. She can't help herself. Lucas, mortified, walks back into the changing room. Haley continues to laugh.) (Lucas comes out dressed as a cowboy, holding fake money.) (Haley waves her hand, saying no.) (He comes out dressed like a bull tamer.) (Haley does a few dance moves and Lucas puts the cloth around his shoulders. She adamantly mouths 'no'.) (He comes out dressed as a cowboy, Stetson and all. She makes motions of shooting a gun and his tips his hat. He aims his fake gun and Haley pretends to get shot. She laughs and he walks back into the changing room.) (He exits again, this time dressed all in black, like a ninja and holding a fake plastic sword. Haley does a few karate moves and Lucas shrugs before changing again. She dances while he changes.) (He opens the doors, wearing a fake afro and a fake necklace with the 'peace' symbol. He holds up two fingers in a peace sign and Haley shakes her head.) (He tries again, dressed as Elvis. Haley pretends to be a mad screaming fan. Lucas pulls at an invisible string and the corner of his top lip moves up and down. Haley continues her fake screaming. She laughs.) (He opens the doors and walks out dressed as Johnny Depp/Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean. He does the moves well.) HALEY: (Impressed) Who-ho-ho(!) OK, this is hot! LUCAS: (Straightening) Excuse me? (Raises an eyebrow.) HALEY: Well, I mean, oh-ew-no, I mean, not that I noticed or I could possibly think of you that way. I just (Giving up.) OK, ew, eurgh(!) (She turns away.) LUCAS: Look, this party's my one chance to get Brooke to finally rethink this whole 'non-exclusive' thing. (Haley looks at a scarf made of feathers.) LUCAS: And, just be,... well, exclusive. (Smiles sadly.) Do you think she'll like it? HALEY: I don't know. You're asking me to enter the sexual mind of Brooke Davis? LUCAS: She's your roommate. HALEY: She's your girlfriend. (Wraps the blue feather scarf around her neck.) Sorta, kinda. (Lucas turns away in defeat.) HALEY: Alright, let me see what I can find out. I'll do a little 'roommate recon' for ya. LUCAS: Thank you. HALEY: You're welcome, darl. LUCAS: Now it's your turn. (Haley looks behind to a mannequin in a costume.) LUCAS: (Great imitation of Jack Sparrow.) I see a belly-dancer costume with your name on it, love. (Haley closes her eyes and sighs.) LUCAS: (Normal voice.) Nathan won't know what hit him. (Haley groans and takes the scarf off.) HALEY: Please, I could go naked to this stupid party and it wouldn't make a difference. (Walks away.) LUCAS: (Tosses the gun.) OK, ew. (Follows her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HOTEL - ROOM 751 - DAY] (The door is opened and someone is on the bed with two hookers.) DAN: (o.s) Well, well, well, Mayor Mullins. (The Mayor yells, his tie in his mouth, and separates the women so that he can see who's walked in.) DAN: (o.s) What have we here? (Close-up of the camera Dan's holding. He's recording what he's seeing.) DAN: s*x scandal 101? (Long shot of Dan standing over the bed, pleased with himself.) DAN: Handcuffs, (Moves the camera to the bedside table.) cocaine, (Moves it back to the bed.) skanky hookers. (One of them smirks unimpressed.) DAN: No offence ladies. (To the Mayor.) So, what's your preference: video or stills? (Pause as he zooms in.) Then again, I'm a business man; we could make a deal. (He shuts the camcorder screen.) You drop your bid for re-election... and resign immediately... and this video goes away. (There's a beat before Mayor Mullins nods.) DAN: Good boy. At least you're a smart pervert. (Makes to walk out before turning back.) Oh, by the way, (Grins) You're gonna endorse me for Mayor. (He walks to the doorway as Mayor Mullins struggles with his bindings. Dan shuts the door behind him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Shot of the doorway.) LARRY: (v.o) Hey, knock-knock. (Walks in holding laundry.) I'm making lunch. You hungry? (Peyton is standing in front of white wings. She turns to her dad.) PEYTON: (Withdrawn) Not really. LARRY: Come on. I've seen enough after-school-specials to know that you gotta eat. PEYTON: (Looking at him.) I know. I will. I just... not right now. LARRY: (Nods) OK. What're you going as? PEYTON: (Points to the wings.) An angel. (Pause) Brooke's gonna be the Devil. LARRY: Oh, imagine that. PEYTON: I'm just... not really feeling it. LARRY: (Nods) Alright, well, if you get hungry, let me know. PEYTON: (Calling him before he leaves.) Hey, um, (He turns to her.) Look, I know, alright; about Ellie. LARRY: (Confused) What? PEYTON: (Raises her eyebrows.) The breast cancer. Did you think like I-I could handle it or...- (Larry looks down.) PEYTON: -coz if you were keeping it from me then- LARRY: (Shakes his head.) I wasn't. PEYTON: -I- (Peyton pauses and her smile freezes before falling.) LARRY: (Shakes his head before repeating.) I wasn't. (Pause) I didn't know. PEYTON: Oh. (Looks down before looking back up with a strained smile.) Well, now you do. LARRY: I'm sorry. PEYTON: No. (Tearful) Guess my mom's are just dropping like flies, huh? (She looks back at her wings. Larry doesn't know what to say to her and he leaves the room. Peyton holds a feather and moves it along the wings she's made.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - BACK GARDEN - DAY] (The back door opens and Deb hangs out of it. The camera pans across a recliner to show Dan on it.) DEB: What the hell are you doing here?(!) DAN: Just savouring the Indian summer. DEB: Well savour it at the beach house, Dan. It's what you'll get in the divorce if you'll just sign the damn papers already. (Dan smiles and reaches for the folder on the end table beside him.) DAN: You mean these papers? (Deb looks.) DAN: I'll sign them for you right now, sweetheart. (Deb walks out eagerly. Dan signs them.) DEB: Thank you. (Hold her hand out for them.) DAN: (Gives them to her.) I just need you to sign these for me. (He gives her his own yellow papers. Deb takes them and reads over it.) DEB: Declaration of candidacy? DAN: (Smiling to himself.) I'm running for Mayor. (Drinks from his glass.) DEB: (Laughs amusedly.) You're running against Mullins, a ten year incumbent? Fat chance. (Signs it.) DAN: Guess you didn't hear - Mullins resigned this morning. (Grins) Shocking. DEB: (Beat) Fine. Run for Mayor. Run for Miss Teen, North Carolina for all I care. (Drops the papers and pen on his lap.) At least I won't be around to watch. (She turns and heads back for the house.) DAN: Don't be so sure. (Deb pauses.) DAN: Check the date. (She opens the folder with the divorce papers and reads.) DEB: You post-dated this for two months from now. (Dan inclines his head.) DEB: Dan, why don't you just go and quit torturing me? DAN: I will, in sixty days. (Pause) After we play house and show the Tree Hill voters what a great family man Dan Scott is. (Deb laughs to herself.) DAN: Appearances are everything, right Deb? DEB: Why are you doing this? DAN: Because Mullins got in my way with Whitey and I don't like it when people get in my way. (Deb nods.) Besides, I've got money and I've got freedom. At least I will when I get rid of you. (Lies back and closes his eyes.) The only thing left is power. (Deb smiles and drops the folder with the divorce papers onto his lap too.) DEB: Forget it. (Walks to the doors.) DAN: And what about Nathan? (Deb stops at the door.) DEB: You stick around for the next two months... I'll leave him alone. (Pause as Deb considers.) I could turn him against you, Deb. But if you stay, with me, (Pause) I'll back off. For as long as you like. Who knows,... after sixty days, you may fall in love with me again. DEB: You want us to live together, fine. I've been pretending to love you for a long time, now, Dan. Sixty days is nothing. (Opens the door and walks in.) (Dan grins and rests his head back on the recliner.) DAN: Mayor Dan Scott - I like it. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS SCOTT APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Haley is sitting on the revolving couch, playing her guitar. Brooke is at the table, sewing.) BROOKE: New tune? (Haley moves her head slightly in agreement.) BROOKE: (Nods) Sounds pretty good. Speed it up a little. (She speeds it up slightly.) BROOKE: (Nodding) Faster. (Haley goes faster.) BROOKE: Faster. (She goes even faster.) BROOKE: (Nodding along, annoyed.) For he's a jolly good fellow(!) (Haley rolls her eyes and stops playing. She groans in frustration.) BROOKE: (Barely sincere.) Sorry. (Brooke returns to her sewing.) HALEY: (Sighs and puts her guitar aside.) You know, the Devil doesn't have sequins, or feathers or... breasts for that matter. BROOKE: Well, in my universe, she does. (Sticks her tongue out.) HALEY: (Standing) Did you even follow the pattern? BROOKE: No. HALEY: Brooke, you have to do that(!) BROOKE: Says who?! HALEY: Says like every sewing teacher ever. Otherwise you'll end up with something like... BROOKE: Like this? (Brooke holds the corset-like top to her chest. It's red and has feathers and sequins on it.) HALEY: (Wrong footed.) That... looks really good. BROOKE: Thank you. I just whipped it up. Now what're we gonna do for you? I was thinking... (Haley waves her arms in frustration and sits back down.) sexy nurse, catholic schoolgirl, Playboy bunny- HALEY: Uh, no, no and forget it(!) BROOKE: Haley, it's a costume party - you just go as a sexy whatever. HALEY: Alright, well sexy, not slutty. BROOKE: Fine. (Gasps) Oh, I know. The classic 'get my man to see me in a new light' costume. HALEY: How about a glass of 'get my man to come to this thing' costume? You got one of those? Coz I'm not even sure Nathan's showing up at this thing. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - BACKYARD - DAY] (Close-up of the hoop as Nathan jumps and puts the ball through. Brooke walks up behind him.) BROOKE: Well, you're gonna make my job easy this year; nothing worse than cheering for a bunch of losers. (Nathan turns and smiles.) NATHAN: Well, it's all about you, Brooke. (She smiles and curtseys.) NATHAN: What's up? BROOKE: Are you going to this masquerade party at TRIC? (Nathan hugs the ball and shrugs.) NATHAN: I wasn't planning on it, why? BROOKE: Just figured it might be the perfect occasion to stop punishing your wife. (Smiles) (Nathan looks down.) BROOKE: Haley's really hurting, Nathan. (Pause) I mean, come on, how hard would it be to stop by and smile at her and tell her she looks cute? NATHAN: Harder than you think. BROOKE: (Shrugs) Well, she hasn't written a song since you guys split up. (There's a pause as Nathan processes it.) BROOKE: Guess her talent was tied to you; no Nathan, no music. (Nathan looks down again.) NATHAN: She put you up to this? BROOKE: No... but if I here one more accidental cover of 'Wind Beneath My Wings', I am going to slit my wrists(!) So please Nathan, do it for me. (She steps up to him. He smiles.) BROOKE: Besides, you might get through with her. She's gonna look hot as hell. (Smiles) You can trust me, I'm the Devil. (Nathan laughs.) NATHAN: I'll think about it. BROOKE: K. (She pats him on the arm, waves and walks back to her car. Nathan puts the ball though the hoop again.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - FRONT DOOR - DAY] (Lucas enters the café and looks around. He spots Haley quickly.) LUCAS: Hey(!) So did you talk to Brooke about my costume yet? HALEY: Yeah, um, how do you feel about head-to-toe tattoos and a nose ring? LUCAS: (Uncertainly) Not good. HALEY: OK, well, think about it, Tommy Lee. (Grins and laughs.) (Lucas watches her before closing his eyes.) HALEY: (About the bucket of dirty dishes.) I gotta dump these. (Walks around the counter.) LUCAS: What is this, some kinda California thing Brooke picked up in the OC? HALEY: I'm sure it goes back further than that. (Lucas checks to make sure Haley isn't looking before walking to the cash desk and opening the till drawer. He looks back again before taking out a lot of 20 dollar notes.) LUCAS: Hey, since when is Brooke such a metal head, anyway? (Haley turns back and stops when she sees what he's doing. She just stares at him, completely stunned, as he counts the money.) HALEY: (Quickly) Um, I-I don't (Turns back around.) know. I guess (Camera cuts to her disappointed face as she keeps her back to him so he doesn't know she saw him.) even after all this time, people can still surprise you. (Lucas takes the money in his hand and carefully shuts the drawer again. He pockets the money and the camera cuts back to Haley's face. She can't believe what she just witnessed. Lucas walks back around the counter.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE HOTEL - ELLIE'S ROOM - DAY] (Ellie is on her laptop. There's a knock on the door and she looks at it. She walks to it and looks through the peephole before opening the door. Larry is standing there, arm on the doorframe. He stares at her.) LARRY: Is it true, do you have cancer? ELLIE: (Sighs) Yes. LARRY: Is Peyton at risk? ELLIE: She might be. But only ten percent of all breast cancers are genetic. LARRY: Is yours one of them? ELLIE: I don't know(!) So at some point down the line, you should get her checked. (Larry shakes his head slightly and sighs.) LARRY: And what about you? ELLIE: I was in remission... for a while. (She turns around and walks into the room.) Not anymore. (Larry enters.) LARRY: I'm sorry. ELLIE: Yeah, it's not how I pictured my life turning out, that's for sure. I know it's crazy but I can't help feeling like it's some kind of karmic payback, you know? LARRY: Yeah, I don't think it works like that. (Pause) Is this why you came back, to make things right with Peyton? ELLIE: I wanted her and you to be aware of her genetic history. (Larry nods, unconvinced.) ELLIE: And, sure, I wanted to get to know her; I wanted her to get to know me. (Larry nods.) LARRY: So she could lose another mother. ELLIE: No, that is exactly what I didn't want! I was still in remission when I first got here (Pause) and don't worry, I am not about to let her watch me die. LARRY: Look, Ellie, I am sorry for everything that you are going through but you understand that I have to think about Peyton first; last; always. ELLIE: Oh, you mean now that you're back in town? Like me? LARRY: No, nothing like you, actually. (He turns to leave.) ELLIE: Larry! (Steps forward as he stops.) I'm sorry. (Pause) If you want me to leave for good this time... just say the word. (Nods) She's your daughter now. It's up to you. (She has tears in her eyes.) (Larry looks at her whilst thinking.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE MALL - SUBURBAN FILTH - DAY] (Brooke is behind the cash desk at work, still sewing her top. One of the workers walks up to her and looks down at the top.) WOMAN: Is that one of ours? BROOKE: Inspired by, but I made a few modifications. WOMAN: Like what? BROOKE: Well, if you cut the leg higher, it's less coverage but it's actually more flattering and a halter is way better for faking buff, Madonna, arms. WOMAN: (Smiling) Interesting, but the Devil doesn't have feathers. BROOKE: (Exasperated) What is with you people, so she's a feathery Devil(!) (The woman smiles and walks away. Lucas walks up to Brooke and she quickly hides her costume under the desk.) BROOKE: (Smiling) Hi(!) LUCAS: (Pointing) Was that your costume? BROOKE: Uh,... (Looking at his bag.) is that yours? LUCAS: Maybe. I think you'll like it. BROOKE: (Grinning) I know I will. LUCAS: You might wanna warn your other boyfriends if they plan on seeing you at the party, I think you're gonna be all tied up. So to speak. BROOKE: Really? Well a girl can dream. But I thought you were playing hard-to-get. LUCAS: Actually, I believe you're the one playing hard-to-get. BROOKE: Doesn't mean we can't have a whole lot of fun in the meantime. LUCAS: Just means we'll be wearing a whole lot more clothes while we're having it. BROOKE: Right, commitment thing. Think my costume's gonna help you change your mind. (Lucas laughs. A woman approaches them with a blue bra.) CUSTOMER: Um... I'm sorry to interrupt but do you have a matching thong? (Holds up the bra.) (Brooke looks at Lucas and smiles.) BROOKE: Oh, you know it, sister. (She smiles mysteriously before stepping down to help the woman. Lucas smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - FRONT DOOR - DAY] (Shot of wheels as they move across the floor. Cut to the side as a whole trolley full of clothes is wheeled along the hallway. Dan is reading a newspaper which he lowers when he hears the noise. He's not smiling.) (Deb walks in carrying a lot of bags and another man enters, holding a tower of boxes.) DAN: (Annoyed) What the hell is this? (She turns to him and smirks.) DEB: New campaign. (Holds up the bags.) New wardrobe. (Pause) (Walks forward.) And, that 'candidate's wife' look doesn't come cheap. (Dan frowns and she gives him the bill.) DEB: Appearances are everything, right Dan? (She turns around and points down the hall.) DEB: Bedroom's this way, boys(!) (She looks back and smiles before following them. Dan looks to the side before sighing and holding the bill up.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Birds-eye view of Peyton kneeling on the floor in a black and blonde streaked wig. She's wearing black wings. She looks up, wearing heavy eyeliner and red eye shadow.) LARRY: (o.s) Peyton? (Peyton stands and the camera slowly moves to eye level.) LARRY: (o.s) Peyton, listen- (He appears at the door, sees his daughter and stops dead.) LARRY: I thought you were going as an Angel. PEYTON: I am. I'm... the Angel of Death. (She claws her hands and bares her teeth. She's dressed al in black.) PEYTON: (Smiles sadly.) I though it was appropriate. LARRY: (Sighs and enters.) Honey... (Her smile falls as he walks up to her.) LARRY: You know the worst part about your mom dieing? PEYTON: I have to pick just one? LARRY: How suddenly she was gone. (Pause) I mean, it was like... one minute she was there talking about what we were gonna have for dinner and then the next, she was just... (Shakes his head as he remembers.) gone. (Looks down.) PEYTON: Forever. LARRY: I kept thinking about all the things I would have said to her if I had known. (Peyton looks down sadly.) LARRY: And then I realised what I really had to worry about was all the things I was gonna say to you. PEYTON: (Whispering) Daddy. LARRY: No, honey, you were so little and there was so much left to talk about with mom and... so many things she would have told you as you grew up. (Peyton looks away.) So I-I started writing it all down, wha-whatever I could think of, you know; her favourite colour, her favourite food,... her first date, first kiss. (Peyton smiles.) LARRY: But... all that did was make me realise all the things I didn't know. Things I couldn't know - girls stuff. Like... what she would've said to you about s*x or... (Peyton looks away, embarrassed.) LARRY: the day you got your first- PEYTON: (Trying to stop him.) Dad, I just- LARRY: I know, honey, but... don't you ever just wonder? PEYTON: (Whispering) Yeah. (Tearful) All the time. LARRY: Well, now... Ellie has the one thing... your mother didn't - she's got a fair warning. (Peyton looks away; she doesn't want to hear it.) LARRY: There's time. (Pause) Time for no regrets. No... wondering. (Pause) Maybe you should go see her, talk to her. (Peyton opens her mouth.) LARRY: Let her answer any questions that you might have. PEYTON: Like what? LARRY: Like... who your real father is. (Larry stands there, waiting for something. Peyton looks at him but doesn't respond.) LARRY: (Nodding) I think you make a very pretty Angel of Death. Have fun. (He leaves and Peyton stands there, arms crossed and a deeply depressed expression on her face.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - NATHAN'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Shot of the computer screen. There's a picture of a lot of guys playing basketball in the High Flyers gym. There's a click and the shot cuts to a picture of Nathan and his friend. It changes to a picture of Nathan jumping with a ball in his hand, about to dunk it. The next picture is of Nathan and a girl sitting on a bench and looking at the camera.) (Nathan looks at the picture and smiles. He reaches for his wedding ring which is around his neck, on the chain, and sighs. He thinks before picking up the phone and dialling a number.) NATHAN: (Into the phone.) Hey, it's Nathan. (He listens for a second.) NATHAN: We should, uh,... should get together, tonight. There's this costume party, we can meet up afterwards. (Listens.) And, yeah, there's just one thing; Haley can't know. (He listens some more.) NATHAN: Alright. FADE TO BLACK: [SCENE_BREAK] COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - HALLOWEEN MASQUERADE - EVENING] (Shot of the TRIC sign. The party's underway. The camera pans across with shots of a lot of people in costumes who are having fun. They are drinking and dancing. Haley and Brooke walk up the stairs. Brooke is dressed as the Devil, with bright red hair. Haley is dressed as Sandy from 'Grease'.) BROOKE: Remember, no tugging(!) HALEY: (Failing miserably.) OK, but I've got a major- BROOKE: NO tugging! (Haley sighs and they continue onto the floor.) HALEY: God, you're tough(!) Any chance I can... lose these heels half way through the night? (Finding it difficult to walk.) BROOKE: No pain no gain, girl. Now get your game face on. (Puts a hand on her hip.) (Haley, unsure, smiles widely.) BROOKE: Other game. (Haley tries for a sexy look.) BROOKE: (Looking away.) OK, we'll work on that. (Haley looks down at her costume. Mouth walks up to them dressed as Tony Manero from 'Saturday Night Fever'.) MOUTH: (Grinning) Hellllo, ladies. (Brooke and Haley gape.) HALEY: Mouth! (Laughs) BROOKE: (Impressed) You look incredible(!) MOUTH: Thanks, so do you. (Brooke grins.) MOUTH: Wow. (Flirting) It's a good thing you and Lucas are, uh, non-exclusive. BROOKE: (Amused) So I guess you're over Erica. (Haley's confused.) MOUTH: (Explaining) My girlfriend. (Amends) Ex-girlfriend. HALEY: Oh, I'm sorry, Mouth. MOUTH: Nah, nah, I'm OK. I'm not gonna spend my senior year chasing after someone who doesn't care about me anymore. (Brooke smiles.) HALEY: (Uncomfortably) Yeah, that's... (Tugs at her top.) that's really smart. (Brooke looks at her uncomfortably and then looks away as the awkward pause drags.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - HALLWAY - EVENING] (Dan walks into the hallway and loosens his tie. He stops as he hears Deb moaning and groaning from his bedroom.) DEB: (o.s) Oh, god! I'm so sore(!) (Dan glares as he rushes to the bedroom.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - DAN'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Deb is on the floor with a guy on top of her.) DEB: Oh, thats it. (The door opens and Dan stands there. He sees that a personal trainer is exercising her legs and that there is equipment all over what used to be his bedroom.) DAN: Where the hell is my bed? DEB: Oh, hi, Dan. Nice to see you too. DAN: Where is all my stuff, Deb? DEB: I gave it away. DAN: You what?! DEB: I had to. It was all wet and smelly. DAN: And how did that happen? DEB: The sprinklers came on... by accident after I tossed everything out the window. (Grins happily.) DEB: That part was on purpose. Besides, I had to make room for Hans to whip me (Laughs as he exercises further.) into shape. A politician's wife has to look the part. (Smiles) Right, Dan? I guess you'll have to find someplace else to sleep. (Dan leaves and shuts the door. Deb moans some more.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - HALLOWEEN MASQUERADE - EVENING] (Brooke and Haley are standing off to one side as Brooke helps Haley with her costume. She won't stand still and keeps fidgeting. A guy dressed as Batman walks past them, straight to Peyton.) NATHAN: Nice wings. PEYTON: (Shocked) Nathan? (Laughing, impressed.) I couldn't even tell it was you. NATHAN: This is how I can see everything and pretend like I was never even here. PEYTON: Mmmm, very sneaky Bruce. (Smiles) (Cut to Brooke and Haley looking over at them. Brooke waves.) PEYTON: Hate to say it but... your wife looks pretty hot. (Nathan looks at Haley who is saying bye to Brooke and heading over to them.) NATHAN: Haley always looks hot. (He smiles and walks away. Peyton stays put.) HALEY: (Walking up to her.) Hey(!) (Smiles) You look great. Are you talking to me yet? PEYTON: Not really but I guess you're talking to me. (Smiles stiffly.) HALEY: Peyton, I don't understand why you're so pissed off. PEYTON: Really? You come back to town after months of being away and try to pretend like nothing happened. HALEY: (Annoyed) I'm not pretending anything. I'm just... I'm sorry I didn't stay in touch with you. It was hard to keep up with people. PEYTON: Haley, it wasn't me, OK? I'm not that needy but you didn't even call Nathan. HALEY: I did call. PEYTON: And, anyway, I just don't like what you did(!) But you know what, you're husband just said you look hot, so if you do still love him, there's you're hint. (Peyton glares for a beat before walking away. Haley looks around, trying to see if she can spot what her husband came as. Peyton walks to the bar and leans against it. She watches everyone. Mouth walks up.) MOUTH: Hey, Peyton, I love your costume. PEYTON: (Delighted) Mouth, look at you, you're like the hottest guy here! (Mouth blushes and looks down. She pats him on the chest. Her mouth falls open as she spots Lucas who has a lot of tattoos, wig and is dressed in leather.) PEYTON: Oh, no. MOUTH: (Approving) Oh, nice. PEYTON: (To Mouth.) Wait till Brooke sees him. MOUTH: She's gonna love it, right? PEYTON: Uh-uh, no, she's thinks Motley Crew's, like, the least sexy band of all time. MOUTH: W-We gotta tell Lucas. (They look as Lucas spots Brooke and walks to her.) PEYTON: Er. (She shrugs.) (Brooke's at her phone but looks up when Lucas approaches.) BROOKE: (Amused) Oh, no you didn't. LUCAS: I did. BROOKE: You are so gullible. Tommy Lee? LUCAS: (Looks down for a beat.) What? BROOKE: He's, like, forty and looks like that(!) (Grins) LUCAS: (Disbelieving) You set me up? BROOKE: You should have been a pirate; you know, nothing like a little Johnny Depp to make a girl wanna commit. (She takes a picture of him with her phone.) (Lucas holds his hand up, trying to fend her off. A girl walks up behind him.) RACHEL: I heard we got back together again. (He looks at her, confused.) RACHEL: (Explains) Tommy Lee, Pamela Anderson. LUCAS: (Looks at Brooke.) Right. RACHEL: Or, at the very least, we did just have a hot weekend together in Vegas. (Smiles) You wanna dance? (Lucas looks back at Brooke.) RACHEL: Unless you're seeing someone. LUCAS: (Shakes his head) No, not exclusively. (He holds his hands out to her. She puts her own in his and he pulls her onto the dance floor.) (Brooke scoffs and walks to Peyton.) PEYTON: You OK? BROOKE: (Cattily) Peachy. (They watch Lucas and Rachel dance. Rachel's moves can only be described as raunchy. Brooke scowls at them, turning her nose up. Peyton smiles uncertainly.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - DEB'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Deb opens the door to her bedroom and enters. She unties her nightgown but stops when she sees Dan in her bed, his arms over his head. He's grinning at her.) DEB: (Hands on hips.) Excuse me? DAN: Hiya, wifey. You told me to find another place to sleep. (Deb smiles to herself, refraining from shouting.) DAN: In the buff, actually since thanks to you, some homeless person has all my clothes. Great way to kick off my humanitarian campaign though. Forgot to thank you for that. (Smiles) Would you care to join me or would you rather sleep on the floor? (She kicks off her shoes and takes her nightgown off.) DEB: Fine(!) (She gets into bed, sighs, and turns the light off. She reaches over and pulls open the drawer to her bedside cabinet, taking something out. She puts her arms under the covers. There's a beat before the sound of electricity is heard and a bright blue light shines beneath the covers. Dan screams, shakes, and falls off the bed.) (Deb sits up and sighs happily, pulling her hand out of the cover again.) DEB: (Grinning) Sweet dreams, Danny Boy. (She presses the button on the tazer twice and the blue electrical current appears again. Her grin widens. She puts it back into the drawer.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - HALLOWEEN MASQUERADE - EVENING] (Karen walks around dressed as a cop, handing out glasses. Haley walks up behind her.) HALEY: Hey, have you seen Nathan? KAREN: What's he dressed as? HALEY: Uh,... I don't know, actually. I know he's seen me but he's like the invisible man or something. KAREN: Um,... Haley? Are you OK? (They stop.) HALEY: Yeah, if OK's, like,... heels that are killing me and underwear that's digging into my ribcage and I'm about five minutes from going home and binging on cookie dough. KAREN: That's not what I mean. (Haley's smiles falls.) KAREN: There's money missing from the register at the café. Now, I've noticed a pattern the past couple of weeks and it always finds its way back right after payday but that's not the point. HALEY: Karen, I- KAREN: Look, I know your parents are gone and I know that things are a bit tight (Pause) was it you? (Haley closes her eyes and lies through her teeth.) HALEY: Yeah. I'm... (Shakes her head.) I'm really sorry. KAREN: (Sincerely) So am I... that... you didn't feel that you could come to me and ask, if you needed help. I thought we were closer. HALEY: We are. It won't happen again. KAREN: Good. (Pause) I want you to know that I am always there for you, no matter what. HALEY: (Smiles sadly.) Thanks. (About the tray of glasses.) Why don't I take this? Consider it interest. KAREN: OK. (Haley smiles forcedly as Karen walks away. She walks forward and trips over someone's feet with her high heels. She falls on her front, the tray hits the floor and the glasses smash.) (There's a beat as the people stand around, shocked, then they start laughing. One guy points and other people laugh and clap. Haley looks around, upset, as she uses her arms to push herself up.) (Nathan comes around in his Batman outfit and picks her up. She looks at him as he puts her in a chair and walks back around the table so it's between himself and her. She still doesn't know it's him. He takes the mask off.) HALEY: (Mouth open.) Hi(!) NATHAN: Nice costume. HALEY: (Looks down.) Do you like it? (Smiles) NATHAN: Not really. (Haley's hurt again.) NATHAN: I mean, it's just not... really you. HALEY: Yeah. I... Brooke thought I could... (Trails off and smiles some more.) I just wanted you to... want me again. I... (Looks down and shakes her head.) NATHAN: That's not the problem, Haley. Trust me. (She looks up at him, eyes bright.) NATHAN: I mean... the sexy makeover's not gonna fix us, right? HALEY: (Nods) Yeah, you're right. I mean, I... (Looks down and laughs. There are tears in her eyes when she looks back up.) I look ridiculous, don't I? (She's laughing to cover up her pain.) NATHAN: (Realising what he's done.) Haley, no- HALEY: (Shakes her head.) I'm sorry. (She jumps off the chair and runs away. Nathan watches her.) (Cut to Mouth who is walking along. He spots Peyton and smiles. She's at the bar, bored.) MOUTH: Having fun? (Peyton looks at him.) PEYTON: Not really. I mean, I'm syked to see the band but I still had to force myself to come here tonight. MOUTH: (Nods) Me too. PEYTON: (Annoyed) I'm just dealing with some personal stuff. MOUTH: Yeah, me too. PEYTON: And someone spilt soda on my wings. MOUTH: I... think that was me. (Peyton looks down at him before looking away.) (Disco music - Burn Baby Burn - starts up and Mouth grins.) MOUTH: I've got an idea how we could make this night less sucky. PEYTON: (Grinning) Are you propositioning me, Mouth? MOUTH: Ah, yeah. To dance(!) (He holds out his hand and Peyton takes it. He pulls her forward.) (Cut to the revolving disco ball. Cut to Mouth's feet as he moves onto the dance floor and does a few dance moves. He dances by himself for a while before Peyton comes up behind him. She looks at him before joining him in the 70's disco moves. The crowd are at the edges of the floor, watching them and cheering them on. They are completely in sync with each other.) (They end and the crowd cheers louder. Peyton puts her hands to her head in embarrassment. Brooke approaches them.) BROOKE: (To Peyton.) Oh my god, you were amazing! (They hug.) KAREN: (o.s) Alright. (Karen's on the stage.) KAREN: Are you guys all ready for Fall Down Boy? (Brooke's smile drops.) PEYTON: (Quickly) Fall Out Boy(!) KAREN: Oh, oh, um... right-right. Uh-hum, anyway... do I hear a whoot-whoot? (The crowd is silent. Lucas looks down, mortified. He smiles like a little boy. Peyton looks around, unsure.) KAREN: (Stands straighter.) Guess not. (Louder) Alright, well, (Moves the microphone to the middle of the stage.) without further ado,... Fall Out Boy. (The crowd cheers and claps as Karen walks off stage and Fall Out Boy walk on. They play 'Dance, Dance'.) (Brooke smiles as they play. She looks sideways at Lucas who is clapping along. She looks at Rachel who's dancing along beside him and turns back around. Peyton is having fun for the first time. Brooke turns and walks away. Lucas tries to stop her but there's nothing he can say.) (The band continues to play.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - BACKROOM - EVENING] (Haley sits in front of the lit mirror and takes her wig off. She slams it down and sighs. Brooke enters.) BROOKE: What are you doing?(!) The band is playing, you're missing it. HALEY: (Shakes her head and wipes her face with a tissue.) This is... such a bad idea. BROOKE: But Nathan totally talked to you. He... swooped in like some kind of knight in... Batman armour- HALEY: It's not the point, I look like an... idiot! BROOKE: Well... OK, maybe now that you've messed up your hair, but- (Haley looks away, exasperatedly.) HALEY: This Grease thing is a lie. I mean, what, you turn into some spandex wearing, cigarette smoking hussy and you get your man? That doesn't work. BROOKE: You were smoking? HALEY: Even if it did, (Looks down again.) this is not who I am. I'm a tutor. I'm-I'm a... nerd(!) BROOKE: (Kindly) You're a rock star. HALEY: (Smiling tearfully and shaking her head.) Not anymore. (Shrugs) I'm just Haley. (Sighs and talks to the mirror.) That really should be enough. (She shakes her head and looks back at Brooke.) HALEY: I'm done playing games, Brooke. I'm just gonna go home. BROOKE: (Nods) OK. HALEY: And there better be cookie dough. (She laughs sadly. Brooke puts her hand on Haley's arm for a beat before exiting the backroom again. Haley smiles and looks at her feet.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - HALLOWEEN MASQUERADE - EVENING] (The band is still playing and the crowd are still loving it. Brooke's back in there and she yells out loud, cheering them on.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - BACKROOM - EVENING] (Haley walks to the exit slowly. She stops when Nathan enters in his Batman outfit, flapping his cloak, and walking through the mist covering the back exit.) HALEY: (Sincerely) Hey, thank you for helping me earlier. I'm sorry I... freaked out like a baby. I just want things back the way they were. (He leans down and kisses her. The camera pans around them.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - HALLOWEEN MASQUERADE - EVENING] (Quick pan across the crowd and band.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - BACKROOM - EVENING] (They are still kissing. He pulls away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - HALLOWEEN MASQUERADE - EVENING] (Fall Out Boy finish the song. The crowd goes wild again.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - BACKROOM - EVENING] (Nathan turns around and exits the way he entered - through the mist - without having said a single word. Haley opens her eyes and looks a little lost. She can't believe it.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS SCOTT APARTMENT - FRONT DOOR - EVENING] (Shot of the front door as someone knocks incessantly on it.) (Haley bounces to it and opens the door. She sighs happily and turns away.) LUCAS: Hey. (He enters. He's taken his wig off but everything else's the same.) LUCAS: (Shutting the door.) I wanted to make sure you were OK. (Haley has her back to him and her hands to her head.) LUCAS: I saw you... take the plunge and- HALEY: (Interrupting) Nathan kissed me. (Smiles proudly.) LUCAS: What? HALEY: I didn't even know what was happening. It just, it happened and then he was gone(!) (Laughs incredulously.) LUCAS: Did you go after him? HALEY: No. It was just so romantic and perfect and I just wanted to come right home and not mess it up, you know? (She's like a schoolgirl with her first crush. She yells silently and grabs her head again. Lucas smiles happily.) LUCAS: Well, then I guess you're OK. HALEY: Yeah. It was like... a totally out-of-body experience for me. LUCAS: Then, maybe I should get Nathan to kiss me. HALEY: Oh, shut up(!) (Slaps him on the arm.) (Lucas laughs.) LUCAS: Alright, then, uh... (Looks at his attire.) I'm gonna head home. HALEY: (Laughing) OK. LUCAS: (Points) Thanks for the costume advice. (Pause) Remind me to never have you spy for me. HALEY: (Amused) I'm sorry(!) (Lucas opens the door and is halfway out before Haley remembers and stops him.) HALEY: Luke, uh,... (He backs up.) there's just one more thing that I'd... (She struggles to find the words and Lucas shuts the door.) HALEY: (With difficulty.) Your mom thinks I stole money from the café. LUCAS: (Slowly) Why does she think that? HALEY: Coz I told her I did. Coz I... was covering for you. (Lucas looks down, caught.) HALEY: I saw you take it and... what's going on, Luke? (Lucas looks up and realises that he has to tell her. He walks forward, against his better judgment and sits opposite her.) LUCAS: I needed to buy some medicine. HALEY: (Sighs, not wanting to know.) For what? LUCAS: (Pause) For my heart, Hales. (Nods) I have HCM. (Haley's speechless.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE HOTEL - ELLIE'S DOOR - EVENING] (Peyton stands outside Ellie's door and knocks. Ellie opens it and her eyes widen.) ELLIE: Angel of Death. You're a little early. (Peyton smiles slightly.) ELLIE: (Kindly) How was the show? (Peyton looks down.) ELLIE: You wanna come inside? PEYTON: I'm... I'm not staying. ELLIE: Well, I'm still glad you came. You, not the death part. PEYTON: Look, I... I don't wanna be curious about you but I can't help it, I am. ELLIE: Well, selfishly, I'm glad that's one battle you're losing. PEYTON: ... I'm just scared. ELLIE: Of what? PEYTON: Of... forgetting my mom, OK - Anna. (Ellie nods.) PEYTON: I actually have one of her t-shirts that smelled like her and I slept with it every night... until one day, it started to... smell like me than it did her. (She is gradually getting more tearful.) And so I took it out and I tried every detergent I could find... just trying to find that smell and I couldn't(!) It was gone and... and so now, sometimes, I test myself; you know, just to see if I can find that smell (Pause) and once in a while I can... but it's getting harder and harder. ELLIE: I understand. PEYTON: (Smiling desolately.) It's bad enough that you're, like, really into music, OK? I don't wanna find out you're an artist, too. ELLIE: Peyton- PEYTON: Because there are some things I know I got from her. I had to(!) (Pleading) (Ellie nods.) PEYTON: And, I don't... I don't wanna change that. ELLIE: W-well, uh, the tendency towards drugs - which I would love to yell at you about - that's from me. (Peyton looks down.) ELLIE: But I can't draw to save my life. You know, those sketches I saw in your room... that's from your mom. Know that. (Peyton nods.) ELLIE: And as far as your dad's concerned, when he sent me away all those years ago, it was the right move. (Smiles) I've done so pretty questionable things in my life, Peyton. I would have sent me away too. (Peyton looks at her reservedly.) PEYTON: But you're here now. ELLIE: That's right... and if you wanna know things, then I want you to know them. I'll tell you anything, everything. (Pause) And if you don't wanna know, that's OK, too. (Nods) It's up to you. (They look at each other and Peyton opens her mouth.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THIRD AND LONG (EST) - EVENING] (A car speeds past.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THIRD AND LONG - DINING AREA - EVENING] (Nathan is sitting at a table, eating.) CHRIS: (o.s) Well, well, we meet again. (Sits opposite Nathan.) NATHAN: Thanks for coming. CHRIS: How could I not? You musta got my letter. NATHAN: Yeah, I got it. CHRIS: D'ya like the perfume? Kinda sexy like that, sometimes. (Nathan scoffs and looks away.) CHRIS: So what can Chris Keller do for you? NATHAN: (Sighs) He can help Haley with her music. (Chris laughs, unable to believe him.) NATHAN: No, I'm serious. Apparently, she's hit some kind of slump. CHRIS: And you care, why? NATHAN: Because she loves it... and I love her. CHRIS: Wow, how heroic. (Nathan blinks repeatedly and looks away.) CHRIS: Or maybe just completely stupid(!) I mean, why call me? NATHAN: Because even though you're an ass, Haley's music came a long way with you. (Pause) Now, you said in that letter that you'd do anything to help her. This is it. CHRIS: (Pause) Look, not that I don't love second chances, but what makes you think you can trust me? NATHAN: Oh, I don't trust you. (Pause) But Haley does. Besides, if you touch her... I'll crush you. (There's a beat as Chris digests that simple fact.) CHRIS: (Smiles and sits back.) Well, this is gonna cost you. I mean we've got... studio space; first class accommodations; my time, which is worth a lot (Pause as he looks at Nathan's wrist.) and I'm kinda digging that watch. NATHAN: Don't screw with me, Keller. CHRIS: ... Alright, tell you what, give me the rest of this sandwich (Takes it off Nathan's plate.) I'm in. (Chris looks at it happily and starts to eat it.) NATHAN: Alright, it's a deal then. And this stays between us. (Chris holds his hand out and Nathan shakes it. It's clear that Nathan really doesn't trust him. Chris grins conspiratorially and sits back in his chair.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - DEB'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Deb is asleep in her bed. Dan's nowhere to be seen. The phone on her cabinet rings. She sighs, picks it up, presses receive, and holds it to her ear.) DEB: (Sitting up with a groan.) Hello? DAN: (Through the phone.) It's me. (Deb doesn't say anything, she waits.) DAN: (Through the phone.) I'm sorry, Deb. I never meant for it to come to this. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Dan is lying across the couch in his clothes.) DAN: I mean, we loved each other once, didn't we? (He grins slightly.) DAN: I know I loved you. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - DEB'S BEDROOM - EVENING] DEB: (Exasperatedly) Uh, Dan, what're you doing? DAN: (Through the phone.) I just had to talk to you. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Dan finds it harder and harder to hold back a smile.) DAN: ... Because... I'm waiting for the glue to dry. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - DEB'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Deb becomes more alert. She figures it out and pulls at the phone. It's stuck to her face. She yanks at it harder, struggling to get it off.) DEB: YOU SUPER GLUED THE PHONE?! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] DAN: (Viciously) You wanna play with me - game on, bitch! (He pulls out an air horn and holds it close to the receiver before pressing the button down.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - DEB'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Deb jerks around in bed, screaming. She's unable to get the phone off and the noise practically deafens her. She shakes her head in pain.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Dan quits with the torture and puts the phone back to his ear, laughing.) DAN: Good night. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - DEB'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Deb seethes in bed.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS SCOTT APARTMENT - BEDROOM - EVENING] (The camera pans up from Haley's blanket covered legs. Fade out to a full shot of her. She's awake and worried. Brooke walks into the bedroom, annoyed and still in costume, wig in hand.) HALEY: Hey, how was the rest of your night? BROOKE: Well, Lucas thought he could make me jealous with that 'Baywatch bimbo'. Two can play at that game. (She smiles and turns away.) HALEY: (Still distracted.) Brooke,... (Sits up.) (Brooke walks back to her, having put her things aside.) HALEY: Be careful. (Pause) His heart's more fragile than you think. (Brooke doesn't respond but she considers it seriously. The camera pans right until Brooke's 'Vacation Wall' is visible - the picture of herself and Lucas kissing in the middle.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - EVENING] (Peyton's painted one side of his wall to greatly resemble the Rivercourt. He puts a box down in front of the mirror and looks into it. He shakes his head.) LUCAS: (v.o) Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote: (Lucas holds one of Brooke's red feathers up.) 'There is no privacy that cannot be penetrated. (He puts the feather into the open box which also houses his HCM pills. He puts the lid back on and looks into the mirror.) LUCAS: (v.o) No secret can be kept in a civilised world. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - FRONT DOOR - EVENING] (Peyton walks up to her door and opens it. She's holding her wings. Her dad is on the sofa, reading a newspaper and waiting up for her.) LARRY: Hey. PEYTON: (Smiling) You're still awake. (Shuts the door.) LARRY: Of course, that's what fathers do. They wait up for their daughters. (Peyton laughs and sits next to him.) LARRY: Did you talk to Ellie? PEYTON: Yeah. LARRY: Good. (She looks at him with a smile.) PEYTON: But I didn't have to ask who my real father is. (Smiles at him.) I already know. (She leans on him and he puts his arm around her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE HOTEL - ELLIE'S ROOM - EVENING] (Ellie is lying on her bed, drawing. She's drawn Peyton as she was while also displaying the fact that she lied to Peyton about not being able to draw.) (She turns the pad so it faces her straight and continues shading it in.) LUCAS: (v.o) Society is a masked ball, where everyone hides his real character, (The camera pans left and unfocuses.) LUCAS: (v.o) then reveals it by hiding.' [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - NATHAN'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Nathan is seen through his window. He walks around his bed and sits on it. He thinks before taking off the chain with his wedding ring and putting it on the bedside cabinet. He switches the light off.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CHRIS' APARTMENT - FRONT DOOR - EVENING] (Chris walks in and switches the light on. He throws his keys onto the couch and stops to look at said couch. The camera cuts to the couch and pans along a Batman costume until the shot reaches the mask.) (Cut back to Chris who smiles to himself.)
Plan: A: TRIC; Q: Where is everyone celebrating Halloween in Tree Hill? A: special guest band; Q: What is Fall Out Boy? A: The masquerade ball; Q: What gives Haley the chance to win Nathan back? A: Lucas; Q: Who keeps trying to convince Brooke to be exclusive? A: Peyton; Q: Who decides to face her new mother? A: Dan; Q: Who tries to use blackmail to become mayor? A: Deb; Q: Who gets in Dan's way of becoming mayor? A: Bright Eyes; Q: What band did the episode "Halloween in Tree Hill" name after? Summary: It's Halloween in Tree Hill and everybody's celebrating at TRIC, with special guest band Fall Out Boy. The masquerade ball gives Haley the chance to win Nathan back, while Lucas keeps trying to convince Brooke to be exclusive. Peyton decides to face her new mother and get to know her. Dan tries to use blackmail to become mayor but things don't turn out the way he thought they would when Deb gets in his way. This episode is named after a song by Bright Eyes .
[Salvatore's House] (Stefan calls someone) [Woods] (Klaus is in the woods. His phone rings. He answers. It's Stefan) Klaus: Portland is fantastic once you can get over all the whiney music and healthy-looking people. It's literally a breeding ground for werewolves Stefan: Your father's dead Klaus: What did you say to me? Stefan: Oh, my mistake. Not your actual father, and not dead. Mikael. Daggered. What do you want me to do with the body? Klaus: Well, first, I want you to explain to me exactly what happened One Hour earlier [Salvatore's House] (Stefan, Elena and Damon enter the library) Stefan: All right, we'll say that Mikael followed Elena in here. He tried to grab her so he could use her as bait Elena: And you, what, vervained him? Damon: No, we vervained him. The guy's an original. Make it realistic Stefan: Ok. Fine. We vervained him and in the process discovered that he had a dagger Elena: Which he planned to use on Rebekah. But instead... Stefan: We drove it through his heart Elena: And what happens when he asks to see Mikael's body? Damon: Good point. You, my brother, have been compelled to do what Klaus says. So if the idea is to lure him back here and kill him, the last thing we need is you getting tripped up and tongue tied Stefan: Well don't look at me. I'm just in charge of getting him back here Elena: Klaus is smart. If we tell him that Mikael's dead, he'll want proof (Mikael enters) Mikael: Then I shall be dead (He puts a dagger and a vial of white oak ashes on the table) Elena: What if he wants to see in person? Mikael: Well, it means our plan is working. Klaus will absolutely want to see my body. You lure him here, and I will kill him Stefan: With what? Those daggers won't work on him Mikael: Well, I'm in possession of a stake fashioned from the wood of the ancient white oak tree The one that left these ashes when it burned Damon: Where is it? Mikael: Not here. Knowing its location is my insurance policy (He puts the dagger in the vial containing the white oak tree ashes) Stefan: Against what? Mikael: You leaving this in my heart. You see, a vampire can't dagger an original without dying. So... it falls to you (He holds the dagger toward Elena) Elena: You want me to actually dagger you? Mikael: Klaus will leave nothing to chance. Especially when it comes to trust Back to one hour later [Salvatore's House] Klaus: I want to see him. I want to see his rotting body for myself Stefan: Well, he's here (He gets up and looks at Mikael's body. Elena and Damon are here) Stefan: Come by whenever Klaus: If you're lying to me, Stefan, your compulsion will expose you. So answer with your life. Is what you're saying the truth? Stefan: It's true. I saw it with my own eyes Klaus: I want to talk to Rebekah (He looks at Damon and Elena and turns himself) Stefan: That's not a problem. She's right here (He looks at Rebekah and gives her the phone) Rebekah: Hello, Nik Klaus: Rebekah, love. What's this I hear about Mikael's tragic run-in with a dagger? Rebekah: It's true. He's finally out of our lives for good. I miss you. I'm miserable here Klaus: I'll be home soon Rebekah: Good. I'll see you then, brother (She hangs up, looks at Mikael and then gives the phone to Stefan) Rebekah: He bought it. He's coming home (Elena is relieved. Rebekah leaves the room. Stefan looks at Elena and Damon) Damon: Now was that easy or what? Elena: Let's just get this over with (She removes the dagger from Mikael) [Salvatore's House] (Rebekah is painting her nails. Mikael wakes up) Rebekah: Finally. Took you long enough Mikael: Rebekah... Rebekah: Whatever fatherly rubbish you're thinking, save it. Nothing you say matters to me Mikael: I see. Where's my dagger? Rebekah: Elena has it. So you can forget your plans to use it on me Mikael: You were never the one I was after Rebekah: Nik was my family. If you were after him, you were after me Mikael: He blinded you, Rebekah. He killed your mother Rebekah: I know what he did. And he'll pay for it with his life. But Nik was not born a killer. None of us were. You did this to us when you turned us into vampires. You destroyed our family. Not him Mikael: Rebekah... (She leaves) [Gilbert's House] (Elena is looking in her closet. Bonnie is sitting on her bed, looking at the symbols pictures) Elena: I hate everything in my closet. I have nothing to wear to homecoming Bonnie: So don't go. Let's stay home, order take-out and over-analyze ancient hieroglyphic thingies with Alaric Elena: We have to go. Caroline will kill us Bonnie: Oh, Caroline actually has a date Elena: You know that you can talk to me about Jeremy, right? Bonnie: I don't need to talk about it. He fell in love with his ghost girlfriend and lied about it. What's done is done Elena: You have to talk about it. He hurt you, Bonnie. I'm mad at him too Bonnie: You're mad at your little brother. You'll yell at him a little, teach him a life lesson. You can't really be mad like I'm mad Elena: Bonnie... Bonnie: And you shouldn't have to be. He's your brother. So no, I can't really talk to you about it [Salvatore's House] (Elena and Damon are in his room. There's a lot of weapon on the bed) Elena: We can't trust Rebekah not to turn on us Damon: Oh, really? Because those original vampires are usually so reliable Elena: Bonnie was right. Rebekah may be mad at Klaus now, but he is her brother Damon: Her lying, mama-killing, dagger-happy brother. The wolfsbane's ready (She rejoins him in the bathroom. The wolfsbane is in the sink) Elena: There are too many things that can go wrong with this plan. Too many people who can make it go wrong Damon: Well, I am formulating a secret contingency plan Elena: Really? What is it? Damon: Well, if I told you, then it won't be a secret (Stefan enters) Stefan: I need to borrow a tie Damon: You have your own ties Stefan: I'm 162 years old and I'm going to a homecoming dance. I need better ties Elena: You could not go Stefan: I'm compelled to protect you. And if I look at your track record at high school dances, it's pretty tragic. My luck you'll go ahead and get yourself murdered by the homecoming queen (Elena is closing one of the wolfsbane grenades but Damon stops her) Elena: I know how to do it. Alaric taught me Damon: Elena, if this thing blows up in our face just remember only one of us heals quickly (Stefan comes back with ties) Stefan: Ugh, please tell me that you have a better plan than wolfsbane grenades Damon: Never you mind, brother. The less you know, the better Stefan: My freedom from Klaus rests entirely upon you two executing your plan perfectly. So, excuse me if I'm a bit cynical Elena: You're the one that we should be worried about. If Klaus asks you one wrong question, whole thing falls apart Stefan: You do have reason to worry. But if I look back at our history of epic plan failures, it's usually because one of us let our humanity get in the way. So if I'm taking odds on how this thing goes down, it's certainly not gonna be me who screws it up. I'll see you at Homecoming. I can't wait [Mystic Falls' High School] (Tyler and Caroline are preparing the bus for homecoming) Caroline: Hey, can you hand me the glitter gun? (He gives it to her) Caroline: Thanks Tyler: Hey, can't we ditch the decorating and go grab a bite? Caroline: Oh, I have a thermos in my bag Tyler: I mean a real bite. Rebekah knows some people who like to be fed on. They're into it. We don't even have to compel them Caroline: Ok, first of all, I finally almost just got your mother to stop hating me. So I probably don't want to get caught in some weird vampire threesome with her son. And secondly, quit hanging out with Rebekah, the evil blood slut Tyler: Just keep the claws in tonight at the dance, ok? For me? Caroline: So who has the misfortune of being compelled to be her date? Tyler: Matt said he'd take her Caroline: Wait, you set her up with Matt? Tyler: She wants to go to the dance, and he didn't have anyone to go with. He drinks vervain, she can't feed on him. What's the big deal? Caroline: The big deal, Tyler, is that Matt is an innocent, good person who should not be going to dances with evil blood sluts Tyler: Matt's a guy, Caroline. And Rebekah's hot. Don't overthink this Caroline: This is a sire thing, isn't it? Please tell me this is some weird family extension of your sire bond to Klaus Tyler: I'm here hanging streamers and have glitter all over my hands. If I'm sired to anybody, it's you [Salvatore's House] (Rebekah is in Stefan's bedroom, getting ready for Homecoming. She's wearing the red dress Elena picked. She's looking at herself in the mirror when Elena enters the room) Elena: Getting a head start, huh? Rebekah: Embarrassing truth. This is my first high school dance Elena: Ever? Rebekah: I never really had time for high school before. Nik and I were always moving around. Running. Anyway, I didn't want to leave anything to chance. Have you heard any more from him? Elena: No. But I'm sure that when he does return, he'll do it with flair Rebekah: And Damon and my father are all set with their plan? Elena: Yes Rebekah: Don't tell me. I don't want to know. I just want to go to the dance and leave the rest to Mikael Elena: I know it's really hard. So thank you for helping us get Klaus back into town Rebekah: Just be careful. I've been running for 1,000 years for a reason. Mikael is not a good person. And he definitely can't be trusted. No one in my family can Elena: Are you ok? Rebekah: I've spent my whole life loving and hating my brother with equal measure. I never thought that I would be the one to help drive a stake through his heart. No tears. I... I don't want to ruin my makeup. How do I look? Elena: You look amazing. But you're missing one thing (She shows her the necklace) Rebekah: My mother's necklace Elena: You should wear it tonight. May I? (Elena puts the necklace around Rebekah's neck) Rebekah: Thank you (Elena finally drives the dagger through Rebekah's heart) Elena: I'm so sorry. I can't leave anything to chance either (Rebekah falls on the floor, dead) (Elena is sitting on Stefan's bed. Damon puts a sheet above Rebekah) Damon: In the back. Harsh Elena: It had to be done. Rebekah was never going to be completely on our side Damon: Hey, I'm not judging you. It's very Katherine of you Elena: Not the way to make me feel better about myself, Damon Damon: It was a compliment... Sort of Elena: Stefan is right. Someone's going to let their humanity get in the way and screw this whole thing up. And it's probably going to be me Damon: Elena, you just daggered somebody. You're going to be fine Elena: But I feel bad about it. I care too much. That's the problem, Damon. I'm the weak link Damon: If it makes you feel any better, she's not really dead Elena: Do you trust him? Mikael? Damon: Nope Elena: What about Stefan? Damon: No. Not as long as he's under Klaus's control Elena: Then we need a better plan Damon: I know what to do. You're just not going to like it Elena: Why not? Damon: Because when this all goes down, I don't want you having any part of it Elena: What does that mean? Damon: Do you trust me? Elena: Yes Damon: Then you have nothing to worry about [Mystic Falls' High School] (Everyone is in front of the gym. The police are here. Tyler rejoins Caroline) Caroline: What happened? Tyler: The gym's flooded. The dance is canceled Caroline: Excuse me? Well, what are we supposed to do now?! [Salvatore's House] (Elena is on the phone with Caroline) Elena: So does that mean I don't have go? Caroline: You wish. No, Tyler's moving the party to his house Elena: Kegs and beer pong for homecoming? That's... different Caroline: Just say you're still coming Elena: I'll see you there (Someone knocks on the door. Elena opens. It's Matt, wearing a tuxedo for Homecoming) Matt: Elena Elena: Matt, hey. Um, slight problem with your homecoming date Matt: What happened? Elena: How would you feel about a back-up date? [Lockwood's Mansion] (My morning jacket is performing outside. Everyone is cheering the band. The house is packed with all the students. Caroline and Bonnie arrive) Caroline: How did he plan a better party than me so fast? Is that a band outside? Bonnie: Who are all these people? Caroline: This is weird. Where is Tyler? (She goes into the house. Bonnie follows her) (Stefan is outside. Tyler rejoins him) Tyler: Hey, Stefan. What's up? Stefan: Hey, Tyler. Nice party you got going on here Tyler: Thanks, but I'm not the one throwing it. I'm just doing what Klaus wants Stefan: What do you mean? Tyler: It's not a party, man. It's a wake (Klaus goes on the stage and take the mike) Klaus: Good evening everyone! I want to thank you all for being here with me to celebrate. It's been a long time coming (Matt and Elena arrive) Elena: So much for homecoming Matt: This is weird. Us being here together (She sees Caroline) Elena: There's Caroline. She doesn't know anything. Act normal (Caroline rejoins them) Caroline: Hey, Klaus is here Matt: What? Caroline: Yeah, apparently our sired hybrid friend Tyler thought it'd be ok to let his "master" throw a party. Well, I expected more surprise Elena: I've learned not to be surprised by anything Klaus does. I'm going to go find Bonnie (She leaves. Caroline looks at Matt) Caroline: What's going on? And what are you two doing here together? I thought you were supposed to be with Rebekah Matt: Plans changed. I need a drink (He leaves) (The band is still performing. Elena is going down the stairs. Stefan is with Klaus) Stefan: Quite the homecoming Klaus: I've been planning my father's funeral for 1,000 years. Granted, in no version of it were any of these people invited. But you get the idea Stefan: So what now? You just stop running? Klaus: Now I reunite my family Stefan: Your family. You mean, the people you cart around in caskets? Klaus: None of that matters anymore. Mikael's gone. Bygones will be bygones (A girl with a tiara passes by them) Klaus: Seems the homecoming queen still walks among the living, which leaves me to believe Rebekah isn't here. Where is she? Stefan: I have no idea. I thought she was coming with Matt Klaus: Oh, be honest now, Stefan. Where's my sister? Stefan: I said I have no idea. Now, would you like me to take you to your father? Klaus: Well, it wouldn't be a party without the guest of honor, would it? Bring him to me Stefan: All right. Perhaps there's something in it for me? My freedom from your compulsion Klaus: Oh, you want your freedom? Well, once he's dead and his weapon destroyed, you'll have your freedom. It'll be my pleasure to give it back to you (Stefan leaves) [Salvatore's House] (Damon is pouring himself a glass of blood. Mikael enter the room) Mikael: Did my daughter go to the dance? Damon: Yep. You missed the photo op. Did you get the stake? Mikael: I did Damon: I'm not going take your word for it. No offense to your honor and all Mikael: None taken (He takes the stake from his jacket. It's not an usual stake.) Damon: Fancy. May I? Mikael: It's the only weapon on this Earth that can kill an original. So I think I'll hold on to it. No offense Damon: I'd offer you a drink, but Katherine tells me you're more of a vampire on the rocks kinda guy Mikael: Well, technically, you could still offer Damon: Why feed on vampires? Don't tell me it's for the smooth aftertaste Mikael: I had a hand in creating vampires. But the blood lust was never my intention. Over the centuries, I learned to feed from the predator not the innocent (Stefan enters) Stefan: Change in plans. Klaus is back. He's at the Lockwood's and he wants your body delivered to his doorstep Mikael: I'm afraid he's in for a colossal disappointment Stefan: Well, he's certainly not going to come here. I hope your plan didn't depend on that Damon: Didn't depend on that Stefan: But you do have a plan. Right? Damon: Oh, yeah. We got a plan, right? It just doesn't involve you (Mikael rushes on Stefan and drink his blood. Stefan collapses) Damon: Couldn't just break his neck? Mikael: It certainly occurred to me (He leaves. Damon takes his jacket and a bag, looks at Stefan and leaves) [SCENE_BREAK] [Lockwood's Mansion] (Tyler and Klaus are outside, on the stairs looking at the band and the crowd) Tyler: My mom would seriously freak if she saw all these people here Klaus: Your mother won't be a problem. I compelled her to go to church and pray for your friends Tyler: What are you talking about? Klaus: I want you to look around. There's Bonnie. There's Elena and Matt. There's your pretty little girlfriend Caroline. Their big dance was wrecked tonight and who came through with a party? You did. What a pal. But who are all these other people here? Tyler: I have no idea. I've never seen half these people in my life Klaus: Well, that's because I invited a few dozen friends of my own (He shows him some people) Klaus: That's my friend Mindy. I picked her up along the way in Kansas. Did you know that there's an entire bloodline of werewolves in the heartland? There's Tony, from North Dakota, and let's not forget the Seattle contingent Tyler: Hold on. Are those people all hybrids? Klaus: Well, they also love a good party. And they, like you, are sired by me. They wish to serve their master. So if anyone should so much as make a move against me, they may feel obligated to retaliate. Feel free to warn your friends (He leaves) (Tyler is in his bedroom with Caroline) Tyler: What are you up to with Klaus? Caroline: Nothing Tyler: He's on to you, Caroline. Whatever you all think you're about to pull off, he's 2 steps ahead of you Caroline: Ok, I don't know what you're talking about Tyler: You're lying to me Caroline: Heh, you know, actually, I'm not. I don't know anything. And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you about, because you're sired to team Klaus now. And you can't be trusted. So can we please just go back to the party? (She goes toward him but he injects her vervein in the neck. She collapses and falls on the floor) (Elena is listening to the band, alone. Klaus rejoins her. She's very uncomfortable) Klaus: Where's your date? Elena: Getting me a drink Klaus: Well... Seems I have you to thank for Mikael's demise Elena: He came at me. I didn't have a choice Klaus: Still I'm impressed. It's not easy for a human to dagger an original Elena: It wasn't the first time Klaus: Right. Elijah. You seem nervous Elena: I'm not nervous. I just don't like you Klaus: Right. Straight to the point then, shall I, love? People have been after me for 1,000 years. And I am always one step ahead. So whatever it is you're thinking of trying, go for it, give it your best shot. You won't succeed (Damon arrives. One hybrid is here) Hybrid: Invite-only, vampire Damon: Here's my rsvp. Hybrid (Damon rips his heart out and enters the house) (Caroline is unconscious. Matt checks up on her) Matt: What did you do to her? Tyler: It's just vervain. She'll be fine. But I need you to get her out of here as fast as possible Matt: What's going on? Tyler: Something's going down against Klaus, and this house is full of hybrids like me that can't let anything happen to him Matt: What do you mean, "can't"? Tyler: I can't explain it. I can't fight against it. I just know that I need to protect him no matter who gets in my way Matt: By attacking Caroline? Tyler: I'm protecting her, Matt! This is the only way to keep her safe. Please. Just get her out of here safely. Get everyone out (He leaves) (Tyler is downstairs. Damon catches him and goes with him in his father office) Damon: As the host, you should know those hybrids don't make the best first impression Tyler: Whatever move you're making, Klaus is going to be ready for you. He'll kill anyone at this party if he has to Damon: Tell someone who cares (They fight. Damon is about to kill him but Bonnie arrives and provoque a migraine with her powers. They scream and put their hands on their head. Tyler finally collapses) Damon: Ugh! What the hell is wrong with you? You're not supposed to witchy migraine me Bonnie: You weren't supposed to kill Tyler Damon: He tried to bite me (The stake to kill Klaus is on the floor. Damon takes it) Bonnie: What is that? Damon: Nothing Bonnie: Oh my God. Is that the... Why do you have it? Damon: Because I'm the only one who could get inside the house (Klaus is playing beer pong. Mindy arrives) Mindy: You have a visitor Klaus: Well, tell my visitor I'm on the brink of victory here Mindy: He said his name is Mikael Klaus: Then we mustn't keep him waiting. Move everyone out back. I'm going to have a little chat with my dad. Tony, you know what to do (He goes to the front door. Mikael is outside) Mikael: Hello, Niklaus Klaus: Hello, Mikael. Won't you come in? Oh, that's right. I forgot. You can't Mikael: Or you can come outside if you want Klaus: Or I can watch my hybrids tear you limb from limb Mikael: They can't kill me Klaus: True, but it'll make a hell of a party game. All I have to do is rub these 2 fingers together, and they'll pounce Mikael: The big bad wolf. You haven't changed. Still hiding behind your playthings like a coward. You only forget. They may be sired by you, but they're still part vampire. And they can be compelled by me (Mindy arrives with Elena. Mikael takes her) Mikael: Come out and face me, Niklaus, or she dies Klaus: Go ahead. Kill her Elena: No, Klaus. He'll do it Mikael: If she dies, this lot will be the last of your abominations Klaus: I don't need them. I just need to be rid of you Mikael: To what end, Niklaus? So you can live forever with no one at your side? Nobody cares about you anymore, boy! Who do you have other than those whose loyalty you've forced? No one. No one Klaus: I'm calling your bluff, father. Kill her Mikael: Come outside and face me, you little coward. And I won't have to Klaus: My whole life you've underestimated me. If you kill her, you lose your leverage. So go ahead. Go on. Kill her. Come on, old man. Kill her. Kill her! (Mikael laughs. Klaus sheds a tear) Mikael: Your impulse, Niklaus. It has and will forever be the one thing that keeps you from truly being great (He stabs Elena. She falls on the floor. Klaus is shocked. Mikael laughs. Damon rushes over Klaus and stabs him with the stake. Klaus screams. The hybrids start moving. Damon missed the heart. Elena gets up. It was actually Katherine. She smiles) Mikael: Katherine... (She pulls the pin out of two wolfsbane grenades) Katherine: Kaboom! (She throws the grenades on the hybrids. Damon takes off the stake and is about to drive it through his heart but Stefan rushes over him and pushes him away from Klaus. Stefan is above Damon) Damon: What are you doing?! (The stake is next to Klaus. He takes it and rushes over Mikael. He drives the stake through his heart. Mikael burns. Stefan is still above Damon) Damon: What the hell did you do? Klaus: He's earned his freedom. (Stefan gets up and looks at Klaus) Klaus: Thank you, my friend (He compels him) Klaus: You no longer have to do as I say. You're free (Stefan closes his eyes and reopens them. Then he turns himself. Damon has disappeared) [Caroline's House] (She's on her bed. Tyler enters) Tyler: Are you ok? Caroline: What do you think? Tyler: I'm sorry I stabbed you. It was the only thing I could think of to get you out of there Caroline: "Oh, hey, Caroline, I'm worried about what might happen this evening. So maybe you should just go home and watch 'Dancing with the stars?'" Tyler: If you knew all your friends were going to get together and try to take down Klaus, would you have left? Caroline: No Tyler: So there you go. I saved you from your own stubbornness Caroline: This isn't funny, Tyler! How am I supposed to be with you when you're sired to him? Tyler: I need you to understand, Caroline Caroline: Understand what? That you're one of the bad guys now? Tyler: Understand that this is who I am. There's nothing that I can do about it. Klaus can't be killed. I can't be fixed. Understand that I'm ok with it Caroline: But how are you ok with it? Tyler: Because it's better. I don't have to turn, Caroline. Not unless I want to. I never have to go through that pain again. If being sired to Klaus is the price that I have to pay, so be it Caroline: But you don't have any true control over yourself Tyler: I never did before. The full moon controlled me. After everything that we've been through you've been there for me through all of it. Don't turn your back on me now Caroline: Tyler... Tyler: Right Caroline: I just... Tyler: Got it (He leaves) [Salvatore's House] (Elena is with Damon) Elena: How did this happen? Damon: We thought of everything, Elena! Klaus having hybrids. Mikael turning on us. We brought in Katherine so you weren't in danger. Anything that could have gone wrong, we were prepared Elena: I don't understand. Stefan wanted Klaus dead more than anything. That's what we were counting on Damon: We blew it Elena: Where's Katherine? Damon: She ran for the hills, like usual. The minute things got bad. Who blames her? Klaus would have crushed her. I had him, Elena. I had Klaus. This could've all be over! (He throws the bottle in the fireplace. Elena catches him and takes his face in her hands) Elena: Damon, hey... Hey, listen to me we'll survive this. We always survive. Trust me Damon: We're never getting Stefan back. You know that, don't you? Elena: Then we'll let him go. Ok? We'll have to let him go (His phone rings. He answers. It's Katherine) Damon: Not interested in the play by play of our failure right now, Katherine Katherine: I'm just calling to say goodbye. I don't know what to tell you. You had a good plan, Damon. And that's high praise coming from me Damon: It's not very comforting at the moment. You going back into hiding? Katherine: At least my life's not boring. Goodbye, Damon Damon: Take care of yourself, Katherine (They hang up) [Katherine's Car] (She's driving. Stefan is on the passenger seat) Katherine: He doesn't know where it all wrong Stefan: He doesn't need to know (She stops the car) Katherine: Are you good from here? I need to put about a million miles between myself and Klaus as soon as possible. Stefan... Earlier [Salvatore's House] (Stefan is awake. Katherine is here) Katherine: Stefan Stefan: Elena Katherine: Not exactly. (She throws a blood bag next to him) Katherine: Pep up. I only got a minute before they realize that I'm not at the party [Lockwood's Mansion] (We see again the conversation between Klaus and "Elena" at the party. But now we know it was Katherine) Klaus: You seem nervous Katherine: I'm not nervous. I just don't like you Klaus: People have been after me for 1,000 years. And I am always one step ahead. So whatever it is you're thinking of trying, go for it, give it your best shot. You won't succeed Katherine: It won't be for lack of trying (She moves forward but Klaus stops her) Klaus: Now you'd be smart to tell Damon to mind his manners tonight. 'Cause if I die, I've already insured that he'll die along with me. Even in death, my hybrids have their orders. So you kill me, you're killing him too Back in the present [Katherine's car] Stefan: How did you know that I would stop Damon? Katherine: I didn't. I was just hoping that you would want to Earlier [Salvatore's House] (Stefan finishes drinking the blood bag and gets up) Katherine: If Klaus gets killed, he's taking Damon down with him. Stefan: So pull the plug on the plan Katherine: And face the wrath of Mikael? We'll all be dead. Ok, look. I know that you've turned off your humanity and that you don't care. So there's only one solution Stefan: And what's that? Katherine: Care, Stefan. Care enough to save Damon's life. Because I'm going back to that party and I'm seeing this plan through. Klaus will be killed and we'll have our freedom. But then Damon will be dead. Your brother will be dead, Stefan. Unless you care enough to do something about it Back in the present [Katherine's car] Stefan: You've wanted Klaus dead for 500 years. Why would you risk all that just to save Damon's life? Katherine: I wasn't just trying to save Damon's life, Stefan. I was trying to save yours. Your humanity. Let's just say I like the old you better Stefan: Nah. Come on, Katherine, you don't care about anyone but yourself. You never have Katherine: You and I both know that that is not true. I loved you. I loved Damon too. Humanity is a vampire's greatest weakness. No matter how easy it is to turn it off, it keeps trying to fight its way back in. Sometimes I let it Stefan: I can't let it all back in. I don't want to. Not after everything I've done Katherine: Of course you don't want to. But if you don't let yourself feel, you won't be able to do what I need you to do next Stefan: What's that? Katherine: Get mad [Salvatore's House] (Rebekah's body is in a cell. She still has the dagger in her. Her phone rings. It's Klaus) [Somewhere] (Klaus is somewhere, on the phone, trying to reach Rebekah. There are trucks around him) Klaus: Rebekah, where are you? Pick up the phone, darling. Daddy's dead. It's time for a family reunion (He hangs up. His phone rings. It's Stefan) Klaus: Stefan. Miss me already? Stefan: I'm just calling to thank you for my freedom Klaus: I like to believe I'm a man of my word. More or less Stefan: The thing is, it came at too high of a price. You took everything from me, Klaus Klaus: Let bygones be bygones. Trust me, resentment gets old Stefan: You know what never gets old? (Klaus opens the truck. The coffins have disappeared) Stefan: Revenge Klaus: No! Stefan: What's the matter, Klaus? Missing something? (Stefan's in a house. Ha have the coffins around him) Klaus: What are you doing? Stefan: I'm just enjoying my freedom Klaus: I will kill you and every one you've ever met Stefan: You do that and you'll never see your family again. I wonder, Klaus. As someone who's been one step ahead for 1,000 years. Were you prepared for this?
Plan: A: Rebekah; Q: Who does Elena stake on the night of the Homecoming dance? A: Elena; Q: Who stakes Rebekah? A: conflicting emotions; Q: What does Elena feel after Rebekah opens up to her about why the Homecoming dance is so important to her? A: Damon; Q: Who reveals he has the White Oak stake? A: Damon and Elena team; Q: Who teams up with Mikael to kill Klaus? A: Mikael; Q: Who tries to lure Klaus out of the house by threatening and then killing Elena? A: a plan; Q: What do Elena and Damon come up with to kill Klaus? A: Stefan; Q: Who saved Klaus from the hybrids? A: Tyler; Q: Who warns Caroline that Klaus is prepared for whatever they plan to do? A: Damon and Tyler fight; Q: What happens when Tyler and Damon are trying to kill Klaus? A: Bonnie; Q: Who keeps Tyler and Damon from killing each other? A: the end; Q: When is Elena revealed to be Katherine? A: Katherine; Q: Who did Stefan work with to save Damon? A: the way; Q: Where does Stefan push Damon out of? A: Mikeal; Q: Who does Klaus stake? A: compulsion; Q: What does Stefan earn his freedom from? A: a conflicting position; Q: What does Stefan trap Klaus in? A: his daggered family; Q: What does Stefan take from Klaus? Summary: On the night of the Homecoming dance, Rebekah opens up to Elena about why the evening is so important to her, leaving Elena with conflicting emotions, Elena then stakes Rebekah leaving her unable to attend the Homecoming dance, Meanwhile, Damon and Elena team up with Mikael to come up with a plan to kill Klaus. They leave Stefan behind, afraid of him betraying them. Tyler warns Caroline that Klaus is prepared for whatever they plan to do, but vervains her to keep her out of it. Damon and Tyler fight, but Bonnie keeps them from killing each other. Mikael tries to lure Klaus out of the house by threatening and then killing Elena, revealed in the end to be Katherine. Damon reveals he has the White Oak stake and tries to stake Klaus. However Klaus is saved by Stefan as he pushes Damon out of the way. Klaus then stakes Mikeal leaving him to burn to death, revealing Stefan has now earned his freedom from compulsion. Tyler tells Caroline it is better being sired to Klaus because he does not have to turn any more. Stefan is revealed to be working with Katherine. Katherine had woken Stefan in order to save Damon from Klaus' hybrids, who were ordered to kill him in case of his death. Stefan managed to care enough to save him, thanks to Katherine convincing him. Stefan is finally able to trap Klaus in a conflicting position by taking his daggered family from him.
[TRIQUETRA LOGO] NARRATOR: Previously on Charmed ... [Scene from 8X12: Payback's a Witch] [INT. MANOR - CONSERVATORY -- DAY] (Piper is putting the potato chips back into the glass bowl.) PIPER: Wyatt, you know better than that. (Wyatt closes his eyes and the glass bowl orbs onto his head like a hat. He smiles at her.) (Piper gasps.) PIPER: No, sweetie. TRIQUETRA FLASH TO: [Scene from 8X16: Engaged and Confused] [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT -- DAY] (Phoebe and Coop sit and talk.) PHOEBE: Who are you? COOP: Well, I'm Cupid. (Phoebe looks away.) You can call me Coop. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene from 8X19: The Jung and The Restless] [INT. THE BAY MIRROR - PHOEBE'S OFFICE - DAY] (Coop talks with Phoebe.) COOP: I know what you're looking for in a man, believe me. I am an expert in you. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. (DREAMWORLD) MANOR - CONSERVATORY - NIGHT] PHOEBE: I was dreaming about ... (stammers) -- Me and Coop. PIPER: Hang on a second. So you're having s*x dreams while I'm sitting here racked with guilt? TRIQUETRA FLASH TO: [Scene from 8X17: Generation Hex] [INT. HOTEL ROOM -- NIGHT] (The door opens. Christy enters first.) CHRISTY: Mom? Dad. (Billie pushes past Christy and sees Helen and Carl on the floor, dead.) CHRISTY: (v.o.) Billie, it's not your fault. TRIQUETRA FLASH TO: [Scene from 8X18: The Torn Identity] [INT. DORM ROOM - DAY] (Billie and Christy talk.) BILLIE: Yeah, but if I wouldn't have left them, maybe they would still be here. CHRISTY: Or if Piper hadn't called you away. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scenes from 8X19: The Jung and The Restless] [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - GREAT HALL - DAY] BILLIE: You talk about them like they're evil or something. CHRISTY: Billie, it's not about good or evil. It's about power. And absolute power corrupts absolutely. TRIQUETRA FLASH TO: [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT - DAY] (Phoebe and Billie talk.) PHOEBE: Look, Billie, we're not the bad guys here. [SCENE_BREAK] BILLIE: You'll have to be stopped. PIPER: All right then. (Piper throws the vial.) PHOEBE: No, Piper! (Christy explodes the vial mid-air. The force of the explosion sends Phoebe and Piper back against the wall.) CHRISTY: (to Billie) Do you need any more proof? [INT. MANOR - MAIN HALL - DAY] (Piper and Phoebe argue.) PIPER: Oh, stop. It was one lousy potion. I just meant to scare them. I wasn't gonna take them out with that. PHOEBE: Why don't you say what you really mean? Kill them. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF PREVIOUSLY ON [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY] (Piper, Phoebe and Paige cautiously walk through the empty hallway.) PAIGE: I can't believe I got up early on my husband's day off for this. PHOEBE: Stop complaining. We're getting close. PIPER: Close to what? Getting killed? PHOEBE: We scry-ed for evil and it was here. PIPER: Yeah, because their names are Christy and Billie. (Phoebe stops, turns and looks at her sisters.) PHOEBE: I'm telling you, it can't be them. PAIGE: Why not? They're supposed to be the ultimate power. PHOEBE: Yeah, but I still think they're being manipulated by something. PIPER: Or maybe you're just avoiding the inevitable. PHOEBE: Piper, I told you. If we need to take down Billie and Christy, I'm there. Seriously. But ... I still think there's something else behind them. (She turns and looks at a closed door.) PHOEBE: And ... whatever it is, it's behind that door. (Phoebe, Piper and Paige walk up to the closed door.) PHOEBE: What have we got to lose, right? PIPER: Ah, you know. Just our lives. Look, we're not even ready to deal with Billie and Christy, let alone what may or may not be behind door number 3. PHOEBE: Well, the sooner we find out, the better. (Phoebe opens the door.) [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - BLACK ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (The door opens. Inside, the room is completely black. In the center of the room is a lit platform.) PAIGE: All right. Now that we've ascertained it's a creepy, empty room, I think we can go. (They enter the room.) PHOEBE: Just because we don't see anything doesn't mean it's not there. This place is giving me really creepy vibes. PIPER: Mm-hmm. Me, too. I'm with Paige. Let's go. PHOEBE: This room's not even supposed to be here, right? PAIGE: Well, whether it is or it's not ... let's go! PHOEBE: There's gotta be something in here. (Piper and Paige grab Phoebe's arms and lead her out of the room.) PIPER: Okay. That's enough. Let's go. PAIGE: Okay. (The door closes behind them.) (Camera lingers on the white platform. We hear voices whispering, but see no one.) [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (The sisters are out in the hallway. Creo and several demons shimmer into the hallway.) CREO: You're not supposed to be here. PIPER: Actually, I think you got that backwards. (Creo powers up a fireball and holds it in his hand. Piper starts to gesture.) CHRISTY: (o.s.) Wait! (From behind the demons, Christy walks to the front.) CHRISTY: (to Creo) Stop. I mean it. (Creo powers down the fireball.) PHOEBE: So, what? Are these hall monitors working for you now? PAIGE: Does Billie know about this? (Christy steps forward.) CHRISTY: Billie's not your concern anymore. And neither is this place. So just go, now. PAIGE: Sorry. That's a no-can-do. CHRISTY: What are you gonna do, Paige? Are you gonna vanquish me? Oh, wait. I'm human. And that's murder. That's illegal, isn't it? PIPER: That is, unless it's self-defense. CHRISTY: I guess we'll just have to see how this plays out then, won't we? (Phoebe sighs.) PHOEBE: Let's get outta here. PAIGE: We'll be seeing you again. (Paige orbs them out leaving Christy with the demons.) CHRISTY: You're not supposed to be here. CREO: Yes. But I ... was told they were here. I thought -- CHRISTY: (interrupts) I promised my sister they wouldn't be hurt. Not until we're ready. (Creo nods.) FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. VARIOUS SAN FRANCISCO SCENES (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. HALLIWELL MANOR (STOCK) - DAY] PAIGE: (v.o.) Just out of curiosity ... [INT. MANOR - KITCHEN - DAY] (Paige and Piper are talking in the kitchen. Paige is having a a bite to eat while Piper pours herself a cup of coffee.) PAIGE: ... was it easier dealing with all of this stuff when Leo was mortal, or when Leo was magical? PIPER: It was easier when he was still around. PAIGE: Well, obviously. I just mean, you know, being pulled away by demons all the time. PIPER: Oh, I don't know. It was kind of a toss-up. When he was magical, he understood more but when he was human, he was in more danger. So I was more worried. PAIGE: So what I'm hearing you say is that it pretty much sucks either way. PIPER: Yes, basically. PAIGE: Huh. Fantastic. PIPER: But you just got married, you know. Give it some time. You'll get used to it. PAIGE: But, see, that's the thing. I don't want to get used to it. I want to be able to go away with my husband, go out, do things, without always being called back on some emergency. PIPER: Hmm. Yes. Well, good luck with that. PHOEBE: (o.s.) Piper? Paige? Come here! PAIGE: (groans) Now what'd she find? PIPER: Probably another reason to avoid Coop. (Paige and Piper head out to the dining room.) [INT. MANOR - DINING ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Phoebe is sitting at the dining room table.) PHOEBE: I think I ID'd the new power. PIPER: Yeah? Are you sure you're just not trying to keep busy to avoid -- (Paige and Piper sit down.) PHOEBE: Piper, I told you. If worse comes to worse, I will totally -- PIPER: (interrupts) I'm not talking about Billie and Christy. I'm talking about Coop. PAIGE: What about Coop? PIPER: Yeah, what about Coop? PHOEBE: I love Coop. Okay? I'm in love with Coop. I love him, and I just can't help it. But this has nothing to do with that. PIPER: Hey, it's completely understandable. You're miserable that he can't love you back. He's not allowed to, and so you'd like to take your frustrations out on some demons. PHOEBE: Can we please just focus here? We are running out of time, and we have no idea what we're up against. Since we can't go back to magic school because it's not safe for us, I compiled a little list here of all the good magical creatures that have helped us in the past. (Phoebe hands the list to Paige.) PAIGE: Why are leprechauns at the top of the list? PHOEBE: Well, because they have luck. And we need luck. PIPER: Yeah, but isn't that like throwing them into the lion's den? PHOEBE: No. I mean, it has to do with them, too. It's good versus evil, you know. It affects all of us. PAIGE: What happened, in my life, that I wound up having to talk to leprechauns so much? PHOEBE: I'm sorry, honey. But you know them best. (to Piper) Okay. You and I are gonna go upstairs and see if we can ID Christy's new hall monitor friend. (Phoebe picks up the Book of Shadows from under her papers. Piper gets up and follows her.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - STUDY - DAY] (Billie sits at the desk writing in a notebook. The door opens and Christy walks in.) CHRISTY: Hey, there you are. Kind of been looking all over for you. BILLIE: Well, I've just been here. CHRISTY: Doing what? BILLIE: Just writing stuff down. About the sisters. CHRISTY: That's good. That's ... that's really good, Billie. We can figure out what their weaknesses are. BILLIE: Yeah, well, I'm hoping we can disempower them so we don't have to hurt them. CHRISTY: Who are you kidding, Billie? It's gonna take a hell of a lot more than that to stop them, and you know it. BILLIE: No, I don't know it. I mean, besides, Piper has kids! She has a baby, for god's sakes! How can you even think about wanting to hurt a mom? CHRISTY: What about our mom? She didn't have any concern about her. Look, I didn't seek with out, Billie. This was given to me. It was given to us. BILLIE: Yeah. We're supposed to take down the most powerful witches of all time. That's what this nightmare's all about. CHRISTY: So now I'm a nightmare. BILLIE: No. Going against good people is. CHRISTY: They're not good people, Billie. If they were, we wouldn't be in this position. They've lost their way. And the longer it takes for you to figure that out, the more time they have to attack us. Like they tried to do today. BILLIE: What are you talking about? CHRISTY: They were here. I saw them. BILLIE: Are you sure they were looking for us? CHRISTY: Billie. BILLIE: Okay, look. If they come after us, fine. I was wrong. We don't have a choice. But until they do - CHRISTY: If we give them enough time to attack us, we'll die. You know what, Billie? (She sighs.) I'm tired of trying to convince you of this. If you don't want to believe me, then fine. But I'm gonna introduce you to someone that you'll have to believe. WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. TREE GROTTO - DAY] (Out of a large, hollowed-out trunk, in a green, grassy area, three leprechauns play cards, including O'Brien and Liam, a younger and a smidge less cantankerous. Paige orbs in. O'Brien looks at her and rolls his eyes. She waves weakly to him.) O'BRIEN: Now, what, for God's sake, could you possibly be wanting now? PAIGE: (shrugs) Look, I know you just did me a favor, okay? Which I-I so appreciate. But I just need this one thing. The balance of good and evil depends on it. O'BRIEN: Well, it's always something with you people. PAIGE: (assures them) It shouldn't take long. It's super easy. All I need you to do is sneak into magic school and just identify a certain evil, that's all. (Liam sighs and puts his cards down on the tree trunk.) LIAM: A demon, no doubt. (O'Brien nods.) LIAM: Place is swarming with 'em. Probably part of the brewing storm we been hearing about. PAIGE: Exactly. That's it. That's all you have to do. O'BRIEN: We're leprechauns. We toss a bit o' luck around, here and there. These big battles? They're really more up your alley. PAIGE: This fight affects us all. LIAM: Ah, still ... like he said, we're not much for the fighting. Might be better if we sit this one out. PAIGE: Well, if the balance of power shifts, you're gonna be doing an awful lot of sitting around here 'cause there's gonna be nobody to protect you from all that evil. (O'Brien scoffs.) PAIGE: Look, I came to you guys first because you're smart, you're cunning, you're brave ... O'BRIEN: Good-looking ... PAIGE: You're ... damn good-looking. I mean, that's for sure. (Liam gives O'Brien a thumb's up approval.) PAIGE: But, hey! If you don't wanna help me stop the ultimate power, that's okay! I'll just, uh ... I'll just go ask the gnomes. (Paige nods and starts to turn away.) O'BRIEN: (incredulous) What? The gnomes are idiots! (laughs) Y-you can't trust 'em any farther than you can throw 'em! PAIGE: Hmm. O'BRIEN: All right, we'll do it. But we don't like it. (Paige nods.) (O'Brien puts his cards down on the tree trunk.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HALLIWELL MANOR (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - DAY] BAM! (The chair in the attic is smoking. She signs and turns away.) (Coop flashes in to the attic.) COOP: All right, Phoebe, I -- (Coop flashes out just as Phoebe whirls around and throws another vial, hitting the attic chair again. She grimaces.) (Coop flashes in again, batting the smoke away with his hand.) COOP: Jeez. What, are you mad at me or something? PHOEBE: (chuckles) No, of course not. Why would I be mad at you? (Phoebe turns and goes back to the potions table.) COOP: All right, good. So I think I found you the man of your dreams. PHOEBE: (sighs) Oh, really. Do you? (Phoebe plops some ingredients into the pot.) COOP: Yes. Yes, I do. And I think he's perfect for you. He's an aid worker in Bangladesh. PHOEBE: Hmm! COOP: He's a rugged, handsome ...you know ... a real do-gooder type. Of course, there's the long-distance thing, and you're gonna need to get shots. PHOEBE: Okay, yeah. I'm not gonna get vaccinations to go meet a guy. And what's the matter? You couldn't find anyone in the area? COOP: Well, yeah. Yeah. Sure I can. You know, I don't think you understand how difficult it is. It's not my fault that you reject every guy that I bring. PHOEBE: Wait. Every guy? Coop, there's been one guy. One. COOP: Yeah, but he was a really good guy. PHOEBE: Okay. You know what I think? I think that you ... just have no idea what I want. COOP: (snickers) No, I know exactly what it is that you're looking for. PHOEBE: Oh. No. Trust me. You have no idea. COOP: Ah. Then why don't you enlighten me? (Phoebe stops, turns and looks at Coop.) PHOEBE: You. (Coop looks at her and sighs.) PHOEBE: And I know it's impossible. Because of ...the rules, and everything. But ... (She sighs sadly.) COOP: Shhh. (Coop reaches for her and they kiss.) (Piper walks down the hallway to the attic.) PIPER: (absently) Okay, so, dad is taking the boys to the zoo-oo- (She sees Phoebe and Coop kissing.) PIPER: Wow! (Phoebe and Coop stop kissing.) PIPER: (head turned away) Excuse me. Hello. Hi. Sorry to interrupt. But you know-ultimate power. Mysterious things. Gotta go. Tick-tock. (Piper stops at the potions table.) PHOEBE: Right. Right. Exactly. Uh-huh. Uh ... You should probably go, I'm thinking. You know? COOP: Yeah. Uh ... we'll, uh ... (clears throat) Talk to you later. PHOEBE: Okay. Yeah. (Coop flashes out.) PHOEBE: Oh, God. I know. I know. It's forbidden love. And I'm doomed. And - and -- and we're ... doomed, and everything is doomed! (Phoebe picks up an ingredient and tosses it into the pot. POOF!) PIPER: That about sums it up. (Phoebe sighs.) PIPER: Well, at least you're not avoiding anything anymore. (Phoebe throws something else into the pot. POOF!) PIPER: Did you happen to ID Christy's hall monitor? PHOEBE: Ah, yeah. But uh, he's gotta get away from magic school before we can do anything. (Phoebe throws another something into the pot. POOF!) (Piper goes to the Book of Shadows and flips through it to a particular page.) PIPER: Okay. That's all right, 'cause when we do, he'll talk. I guarantee it. (She finds: THE TRUTH SPELL.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - BLACK ROOM - DAY] (Christy shows Billie into the Black Room. In the center of the room is a white lit platform.) BILLIE: What is this? CHRISTY: You'll see. (Christy closes the door.) BILLIE: No, this is creepy. I'm gettin' outta here. DUMAIN: (o.s.) Don't be afraid, Billie. It's me. (Dumain steps out from the shadows. He gets closer and she recognizes him.) [SCENE_BREAK] BILLIE: Oh, my God. DUMAIN: You're all grown up now, aren't you? BILLIE: How is this possible? CHRISTY: Anything's possible here, Billie. That's why I come here. For guidance. For him. BILLIE: But ... he's not real ... is he? DUMAIN: I've always been real, Billie. Just like I've always been there for you both. I wasn't just an imaginary friend. CHRISTY: Who do you think wrote in my diary and told you how to find me? He prepared us for everything. DUMAIN: I was sent by the greater powers to show you your destiny ... to help you understand that your powers were given to you for a reason -- to do good ... and to keep what's bad in check. BILLIE: Hmm. So this is where you get that from? DUMAIN: Yes. It is. Much is at stake, Billie, and only you and your sister can stop it. This is the reason. This is the moment why you were gifted with these powers -- to save the future from this. (He motions to the white lit platform. In the center, a hologram image appears.) INSERT: HOLOGRAM CLIP [Scene from 6X10: Chris-Crossed] [INT. MANOR - HALLIWELL MUSEUM - ATTIC - NIGHT (FUTURE)] (Wyatt confronts Chris.) FUTURE WYATT: (from hologram) Of all the people to betray me ... CHRIS PERRY: (from hologram) I didn't go back to betray you, Wyatt. I went back to save you. (Billie watches and can't believe what she's seeing.) BILLIE: Wyatt? FUTURE WYATT: (from hologram) Save me? Ha. From what? It's all about power. It's as simple as that. That's why I keep this ... museum intact -- to remind everyone the power from which I was born and that which I possess. (With a slice of his hand, WYATT tosses CHRIS aside and into the wall. CHRIS hits the cabinet hard, breaking it. He groans in pain.) (The hologram vanishes.) DUMAIN: Wyatt. Piper's progeny. That same sweet little boy you once babysat? That is what unchecked power will become in the future. A future that only you and your sister can save. It is your Destiny. (Billie looks at Christy.) BILLIE: (shakes her head) I can't. (Billie runs out of the room.) CHRISTY: Billie, wait! (Christy stops and looks at Dumain. He motions her to follow. Christy leaves the room and closes the door behind her.) (Left alone, Dumain turns and looks at the white platform. The image of a single spirit appears.) (Dumain puts a hand over his hears and nods his head in respect. The Triad Spirit image changes constantly between Asmodeus, Baliel and Candor. Their voice is one.) TRIAD SPIRIT: We are not pleased, Dumain. (Dumain raises his head. The Triad Spirit splits into three images.) ASMODEUS SPIRIT: And we are running out of time. (Camera holds on Dumain.) [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - BLACK ROOM - DAY] (The Triad talks with Dumain.) ASMODEUS SPIRIT: This was your plan, Dumain. You came to us. CANDOR SPIRIT: We didn't sacrifice ourselves, our lives, only to fail now. DUMAIN: We haven't failed. We just underestimated Billie's connection to the witches. It's a lot stronger than we anticipated. BALIEL SPIRIT: You mean stronger than you anticipated. DUMAIN: For fifteen years, I've worked tirelessly to bring this plan to fruition. We will succeed. ASMODEUS SPIRIT: Not unless we can kill the charmed ones, we won't. And Billie remains reticent. DUMAIN: As do the Charmed Ones. They, too, hesitate to attack fellow humans, as I knew they would. BALIEL SPIRIT: But they won't hesitate for long. DUMAIN: Don't ignore the great progress we've made. We've successfully inverted morality. We've convinced both Christy and Billie that the Charmed Ones are the evil ones. CANDOR SPIRIT: Which does us no good unless Billie is able to kill them. ASMODEUS SPIRIT: And if she can't, the balance of power won't shift ... and we won't have the power to return. BALIEL SPIRIT: Which means ... you won't become one of us. DUMAIN: Have faith, my Lords. Once Billie is fully turned and believe me, she's close -- ASMODEUS SPIRIT: (interrupts) Wait. Someone is coming. (The Triad retracts back into a single spirit. Then they vanish. Dumain quickly vanishes again in the shadows.) (A beat later, the door opens and the two leprechauns, Liam and O'Brien peer into the room.) (Seeing the room is empty, they push the door open and haul a heavy pot of gold inside.) O'BRIEN: (on a tear, grumbles) Oh, me aching back. Ha! Serves me right, though ... lettin' them witches strong-arm me to being their lackey again. (They put the pot of gold down on the floor near the white platform.) LIAM: (fed up) Aiee, for the love of St. Andrew, stop your griping, will ya? (Liam and O'Brien glare at each other. O'Brien turns and gets a good look at the room.) O'BRIEN: Somethin's not right here. LIAM: Oh! Let's just get this over with, shall we? (Liam takes out a camera.) O'BRIEN: Well, what are you gonna do? Take a photo? LIAM: No. I'm identifying the threat, like she asked us to. Do you have a better idea? O'BRIEN: (snorts) And you call yourself a leprechaun. (O'Brien waves his shillelagh.) O'BRIEN: Go n-eiri an bothar leat. Let luck reveal what can't be seen. (Suddenly, the pot of gold glows. Liam raises his camera ready to shoot a picture of the evil when - BOOM!. Bright rays shoot upward from the pot of gold along with a swirl of black smoke twisting in a powerful gale.) (The two leprechauns back away toward the door. The wind blows stronger and stronger.) (As they back up toward the door, the winds whip the shillelagh from O'Brien's hand. Liam reaches for it, but O'Brien stops him.) O'BRIEN: Leave it! We'll find another way back! (fights the wind) Curse those Charmed Ones! LIAM: (grumbles) Like lambs to slaughter, we are. (And they back up out of the room. The door slams shut. The wind abruptly quiets. The black smoke and winds stop.) (Dumain steps out of the shadows.) DUMAIN: We may have just found a way to help Billie cross the final threshold. She may not believe the Charmed Ones are evil from us, but she'll believe it from them. TRIAD SPIRIT: (voice only) Agreed. Summon Creo. DUMAIN: Creo. (Creo shimmers into the room.) CREO: At your service, my lord. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - STUDY - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Billie and Christy argue.) BILLIE: Look. Maybe because you've never had friends. You don't know what it's like for me. CHRISTY: I have Dumain, and I trust him. Can you honestly say that about the sisters? After they've put their needs above yours every single chance they've got? BILLIE: Look. I admit they've become a little selfish, but they haven't done anything bad enough to deserve to die for it. CHRISTY: But, Billie, they will. And then it'll be too late. BILLIE: You don't know that. CHRISTY: You saw their inner truths -- how they're being corrupted by power. It's our destiny -- BILLIE: (scoffs) Oh, I'm so sick of this destiny crap. (Dumain opens the door.) DUMAIN: Demons. (Billie and Christy turn to look at him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - GREAT HALL - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (Fireballs fly across the room. O'Brien and Liam duck for cover under a table. Billie and Christy run into the room.) (A fireball hits the wall above Liam's head.) (A demon gets ready to throw a fireball at O'Brien. Billie stops him.) BILLIE: No! (Billie turns around and sees a knife on one of the shelves. She telekinetically throws it at the demon holding the fireball. He explodes.) DEMON: Uhh! (Christy steps forward toward Creo.) CHRISTY: What are you doing here? (She puts a hand on her temple, but Dumain stops her.) DUMAIN: Wait. Perhaps you should use him to send a message to the other demons. BILLIE: Good idea. (Billie steps forward.) BILLIE: (to Creo) Any more of your demons come here and attack our friends, they're dead. Do you understand? (Creo looks over at Dumain. Then, he quietly shimmers out. Billie looks over at Liam and O'Brien.) BILLIE: Are you okay? (O'Brien looks at the cut on his arm.) O'BRIEN: Yeah, sure. Thanks to you. BILLIE: Well, you guys can come out now. It's safe. (O'Brien and Liam look hesitantly at each other.) CHRISTY: Don't worry. We're your friends. (O'Brien and Liam crawl out from under the table.) O'BRIEN: Well, you never really know for sure, these days. DUMAIN: What were you doing here, anyway? Why did you risk coming here? LIAM: We were ... sent. DUMAIN: Really. By whom? LIAM: The Charmed Ones. (Billie and Dumain look at Christy.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - DAY] (Piper hangs up. Phoebe is scrying. Piper walks over to the Book of Shadows.) PIPER: Paige hasn't heard from the leprechauns. Which is not a good sign. PHOEBE: I just hope we didn't confirm the mystery power's existence at their expense. PIPER: Yeah, that would be a bad thing, which also means that we're running out of time, looking for it. PHOEBE: Tell me about it. I'm beginning to think that the ultimate power's power is to drive us crazy. PIPER: I think you're gonna have to face some harsh realities soon, Phoebe. We may just have to -- PHOEBE: Uh! Don't say the k-word. Do not say the k-word, in regards to Billie and Christy, please. PIPER: Okay. Well, just because you don't wanna say it doesn't mean we won't have to do it. PHOEBE: O-okay. And push comes to shove, you're gonna be able to do it? You're actually gonna be able to kill them? PIPER: Uh, if it's us or them? Absolutely. Look, we're not talking about innocence here, Phoebe. And whether or not there's a force behind them, the Triad hand-picked them to kill us. I mean, it's time to get real. PHOEBE: That's even more reason to avoid confrontation and figure out who's behind them. (The crystal lands on the map with a THUNK.) PHOEBE: Oh. Which I think I may have just done. PIPER: You found the demon? PHOEBE: I think so. Okay. I'll get Paige. We'll use your truth potion to pry a name out of them, and you stay here to figure out if the leprechauns are comin' back. (Phoebe picks up the vial and leaves the attic.) PIPER: But what if they don't? What if something ... (Phoebe disappears around the hallway corner.) PIPER: ... happened to them? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - GREAT HALL - DAY] (Liam and O'Brien sit on the couch as Billie tends to O'Brien's wound.) LIAM: I was sure I was a gonner. (He sighs.) Guess that's why I'm a little shaken up. (Christy hands Liam a glass of water.) CHRISTY: Don't worry. You're safe now. I promise. (Liam nods.) BILLIE: I just don't understand why the demons keep coming back. I thought we'd killed all of them. (to O'Brien) There. Good as new. O'BRIEN: I thank you for that. And for saving us. Just one thing I can't figure. You folks are good. So why did the Charmed Ones send us here? CHRISTY: That's what we're trying to figure out. DUMAIN: What did they say they wanted you to do? O'BRIEN: It was to find a great evil. They called it "the ultimate power." DUMAIN: Huh. And they said it was evil? What else did they tell you? O'BRIEN: That the power was huge ... and that they were bent on stopping it. DUMAIN: Really. And how did they plan on doing that? O'BRIEN: Same as they deal with all evil, I suppose -- vanquish it. CHRISTY: Is that what they said? That they were gonna vanquish the ultimate power? Are you sure? LIAM: Well, they didn't actually say that. But that's what they do. Isn't it? BILLIE: I just don't know why they would send you guys here to do their dirty work. (O'Brien scoffs.) DUMAIN: Have they done this before? O'BRIEN: All the time. It's not just us. They use the whole magical community. DUMAIN: Yet ... they never took the time to save magic school from demons? LIAM: Couldn't break a nail, I guess. O'BRIEN: Cannon fodder -- that's what we've become to 'em. CHRISTY: (to Billie) Now do you believe everything I've been telling you? (Sadly, Billie's starting to.) WHITE FLASH TO: [EXT. ALLEY - DAY] (Creo and a demon are warming themselves by a barrel fire. The demon puts pieces of wood in the fire.) GOON: We give up everything for them ... and this is the thanks we get? What does Dumain think we are -- lackeys? CREO: (calmly assures) We've had this conversation. It's all part of the Triad's plan. We'll get what we deserve soon enough. GOON: Yeah, that's what you keep saying. But I'm still sleeping behind a dumpster. CREO: (had enough, threatens) We do as we're told ... even if we have to make the ultimate sacrifice. It's all part of the greater victory. GOON: Yeah. But if we're not a part of it ... I'm not sacrificing anything. CREO: You signed an oath ... in blood. We both did. And if you don't protect them, you'll face a fate much worth than death. CUE SOUND: (o.s.) ORBING PAIGE: (o.s.) Funny you should say that. (Creo and the Good look up to see that Phoebe and Paige have orbed in. Paige waves her hands.) PAIGE: Demons. (The two demons orb out and slam into the top of the dumpster behind them. They fall to the ground and quickly get to their feet.) PHOEBE: We have a few questions for you. (Phoebe throws the vial and it smashes on the floor at their feet. A white smoke rises and they inhale it.) PAIGE: Gentlemen, who is the wizard behind the curtain? So to speak. CREO: The what? PHOEBE: The demon. Who are you working for? GOOD: The demon ... is -- (Creo takes a breath and fights the potion, stopping the Goon.) CREO: No. We can't. PHOEBE: Too bad you don't have a choice. (Creo and the Goon look at each other as if coming to an agreement. They both power up a fireball and hurl it at the other at the same time. The demons EXLODE in a mutual VANQUISH, their scream echoing in the air.) DEMONS: Aahh! (Camera holds on Phoebe and Paige, both stunned by what they've just seen.) [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HALLIWELL MANOR (STOCK) - DAY] PIPER: (v.o.) Two and a half corn dogs? [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - DAY] (Piper is on the phone.) PIPER: (to phone) What, are you crazy, dad? He's three. I don't care if he begged. (Paige and Phoebe orb in.) PIPER: (to phone) Look, I gotta go. But seriously, no more junk food, or he will vomit on you. (Piper hangs up and puts the phone down.) PIPER: Where's the demon? PHOEBE: In the wasteland probably. Him and his pal vanquished each other so they didn't have to talk. PIPER: They sacrificed themselves? PHOEBE: Yep. Scary, huh? PAIGE: Any word from our little green friends? PIPER: No. Nothing. PAIGE: I hope they're okay. (Paige turns and opens the trunk.) PIPER: What are you doing? (She takes out the shillelagh.) PAIGE: I ... am going to call them. (She holds the shillelagh out.) PAIGE: Go n-eiri an bothar leat. (A rainbow appears. Liam and O'Brien land on the floor with a THUNK.) LIAM: Uhh! O'BRIEN: Ohh! Ohh ... (They get to their feet.) O'BRIEN: Well! I might've known it was you, dropping us on our behinds! You've no right to call us back like that. PAIGE: Well, I'm sorry. I was worried. Are you okay? O'BRIEN: Ah. Uhh. Now you're worried. After sending us into harm's way. PHOEBE: Look, we wouldn't have done it if it wasn't important. PIPER: Yeah. Come on, guys, we're trying to save the future here. LIAM: So you say. I'll be taking that back now, thank you. (Liam grabs the shillelagh out from Paige's hand.) PAIGE: Hey, what are you doing? O'BRIEN: We're no longer at your beck and call. PIPER: Hmmh. O'RBIEN: Go n-eiri and bother leat! (A rainbow appears.) PAIGE: That was a gift. LIAM: And don't bother calling. (They saunter into the rainbow. The rainbow vanishes with them.) PHOEBE: Ooh. Wow. What's wrong with them? PAIGE: I don't know, but it's not good. (Phoebe sighs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - STAIRS/MAIN HALL - DAY] (Phoebe, Piper and Paige walk down the stairs.) PAIGE: Okay, I know leprechauns are crabby, but this is different. PIPER: What do you mean? You think Billie and Christy got to them somehow? PHOEBE: Or maybe somebody else did. PAIGE: I just can't believe they turned on us like that. I mean, what did we do? PIPER: Maybe it's not anything we did. Maybe it's something Billie and Christy did. Or whoever's behind it. PAIGE: What are you saying? PIPER: I'm saying I think they did to the leprechauns what the Triad did to them. PHOEBE: Turned them against us? PIPER: (shrugs) Twist everything around and make us look like the bad guys. PAIGE: That's crazy. They would never believe that. PIPER: Sure, they would. Think about our track record with them lately. PHOEBE: But what purpose would that serve? I mean, why even bother? PIPER: I don't know. To isolate us, make sure we have a little less backup in our time of need. PHOEBE: You mean when they attack. PIPER: Maybe that's what they've been waiting for. PHOEBE: Well, we have to warn the magical community and tell 'em not to fall for it. PIPER: Where's that list? PHOEBE: Upstairs. I'll get it. PIPER: No, I'll get it. You go talk to Coop and make sure they don't try to turn anybody else against us. (Phoebe turns and heads for the front door.) PAIGE: And I'm going to talk to our little friends again. PIPER: Well, I think that's kind of a waste of time. (Piper heads upstairs.) PAIGE: I don't think so. I'm not letting 'em off the hook that easily. (Paige turns and follows her up.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - BLACK ROOM - DAY] (Dumain reports to the Triad.) DUMAIN: We're almost there, my lords. (The triad spirit rises up from the white platform.) TRIAD SPIRIT: Almost? (The spirit splits into three. Dumain bows his head to them.) ASMODEUS: The longer it takes, the greater the chance you'll regain sympathy for the Charmed Ones ... which we already know Billie is prone to do. DUMAIN: I don't think that's going to happen, especially now that she believes the leprechauns were set up by the Charmed Ones. CANDOR: Then what's the delay? Either she's ready to kill them, or she's not. DUMAIN: She's close. She just needs ... a little more convincing. Once she thinks the Charmed Ones have turned their backs on the entire magical community ... CANDOR: Well, that's impossible. The community's too vast ... and too loyal to the sisters for all their years of protecting them. DUMAIN: Which is why we need to create a situation where they won't be there to protect them. BALIEL: How? DUMAIN: Simple. We distract the Charmed Ones when the magical beings need them most ... using the same distractions that have worked on them in the past. (Dumain holds out his hand and Billie's notebook on the Charmed Ones appears.) DUMAIN: Billie herself has provided us with all we need to know. (He flips through the pages. He stops on the page on the WITECH DOCTOR.) DUMAIN: Ah. The witch doctor who turned inner truth into obsession. That should work quite nicely on Paige. WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. TREE GROTTO - DAY] (The pots of gold are lined up in a row behind a tree trunk. Liam and another leprechaun appear carrying another pot of gold. They add it to the row.) LIAM: Should be enough for the lot of us to tough it out. O'BRIEN: Aye. If things get as bad as I think they're going to, no amount of luck'll be too much. Battening down the hatches, we are. (Paige orbs in.) O'BRIEN: Now, what do ya think you're doing here? LIAM: You're no longer welcome here. PAIGE: That is exactly the kind of attitude that I am here to talk to you about. O'BRIEN: Our attitude. Well, it's your attitude that's in question here. (Liam nods in agreement.) PAIGE: Look, I don't know who has gotten to you, but contrary to popular belief, we are still the good guys. Okay? And the fact that you guys have gone demon-free for all these years pretty much proves that point. LIAM: Still ... things change. People change, especially human people. O'BRIEN: Same difference. LIAM: You know what I mean. PAIGE: What I know is that this is not the time to bail on us just because we've had our differences or because someone has been whispering in your ear. We are going into a very big battle, which you obviously know about because somebody has been stockpiling luck. (She looks at the pots of gold lined up. The leprechauns turn and looks at the gold. They nod.) (Suddenly, Paige's eyes glow as she's hit by Dumain's witch doctor whammy. She turns and looks at them. The leprechauns look at Paige expecting her to continue.) O'BRIEN: You were saying? (She looks around the grotto, confused.) PAIGE: What am I doing here? (then, realizes, urgent) I need to find enlightenment. (The leprechauns haven's seen the spell and are just as confused by Paige's change in attitude.) LIAM: But ...you were telling us ... about the battle. PAIGE: Oh. The battle. (shrugs) Well, good luck with that. (Paige smiles, nods, and orbs out.) (The leprechauns are confused.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - BLACK ROOM - DAY] (Dumain flips page over and reads about the DEADLY SINS.) DUMAIN: I've always found lust ... to be the greatest of the seven deadly sins. And apparently, so has Phoebe. WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (The door opens and Phoebe returns.) PHOEBE: Coop? Coop? (Coop peers out from the balcony.) COOP: Oh. It's about time. I was wondering when you were gonna get here. PHOEBE: Uh, listen. I, uh - (Coop rushes to her and pulls her into his arms. He starts kissing her neck.) PHOEBE: Oh, no. Not -- not that. Not -- not now. COOP: Not what? PHOEBE: You know, whatever's in your mind right now. Uh ... we've got a big problem. COOP: Yeah. I know. I know. If there's one thing I know about love it's that we're actually gonna find a way -- PHOEBE: No, no-no-no, no, no. That's not the problem. I mean, that -- that is, obviously, you know, a problem. But--but that's not the problem. COOP: Okay, I don't understand. PHOEBE: Okay, look, there's -- there's ... new power at magic school, and we're afraid that it's gonna turn everybody against us. COOP: Okay, and by "everyone," you mean ... PHOEBE: Ogres, fairies, leprechauns. (shrugs) Cupids, maybe. (Coop turns and takes a step away from Phoebe as this all sinks in.) COOP: Whoa! (Suddenly, Phoebe is hit with a gold wave of light. Coop turns and looks at Phoebe.) COOP: All right, well, when did all this happen? Phoebe? (She smiles at him.) COOP: You all right? (She reaches up and kisses him.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - BLACK ROOM - DAY] (Dumain flips to the next page in the book.) DUMAIN: Their grandmother's wedding ring ... which she apparently put a hex on to remind her of the horrors of being a housewife. Should be perfect for Piper, considering her current situation. (He looks at the page and smiles.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - DAY] (Piper is flipping through the Book of Shadows. She stops on the page on FAERIES. She puts her hand down on the Book. Suddenly, the second ring appears on her finger.) (Piper gasps as she sees it.) PIPER: Oh, crap. (Then, she turns into a housewife. She looks at the mess in the attic.) PIPER: This place is a mess. (Piper speedily hurries out of the attic.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - BLACK ROOM - DAY] (Satisfied, Dumain closes the book.) DUMAIN: Now it's time to bring in the demons. (The book flashes out of his hand and vanishes.) DUMAIN: It won't be long now before everyone's against the Charmed Ones. Especially Billie. (The Triad appears satisfied.) [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE GROTTO - NIGHT] (O'Brien has gathered as many of the magical community members as he could muster to discuss the Charmed Ones' problem. There are Faeries, Wood Nymphs, Ogres and Elves.) (O'Brien and Liam talk amongst themselves.) O'BRIEN: All right now. Let's go. (O'Brien and Liam turn to start the meeting. O'Brien takes a seat on the tree stump and addresses the small group.) O'BRIEN: Here we are. Now, we all know that the winds of war are blowing. It's time we faced the facts. The Charmed Ones can't be trusted to help us ... anymore! (A wood nymph steps forward.) WOOD NYMPH: I don't believe that. They've always been there for us. O'BRIEN: Well, you didn't see Paige today ... come to beg us to fight the comin' evil. LIAM: Except she left right in the middle. All in a hurry ... to go find enlightenment or get her nails done or who knows what. O'BRIEN: They don't care anymore. Like last year, when they took on new identities, skipping away from the fight without so much as a good-bye. OGRE: They did it to stop Zankou. WOOD NYMPH: Just one of the many threats they saved us from. They stopped the Source, Avatars ... the Triad. Who are we to question them? Witches prophesized centuries ago to fight for the greater good. O'BRIEN: But that's just the point. They don't anymore! They don't care enough to protect us from -- BOOM! (A loud explosion hits O'Brien and he's thrown off the tree stump, falling on the ground with a thud.) (The crowd gasps.) REVERSE ANGLE - ACROSS THE GROTTO (Four demons are at the back of the crowd. They hurl fireball after fireball into the screaming crowd.) ANGLE - ASSASSIN DEMONS (Hurl FIREBALLS as they step toward the crowd. EXPLOSIONS ROCK CAMERA as they hit the grotto trees and walls. Creatures scream and run for cover.) (A fireball hits an Ogre and the elf jumps for cover behind a log.) ANGLE - THROUGH THE CROWD (Magical creatures run screaming through the crowd under a hail of fireballs. A fireball hits an faerie.) ANGLE - LIAM (Liam jumps over the log to get to cover. A demon throws a fireball, knocking Liam off his feet.) ANGLE - WOOD NYMPHS (Two wood nymphs run from the advancing demons. The demon with the fireball shimmers out from behind them and shimmers back in front of them. The wood nymphs stop in their tracks, frozen. The front wood nymph quickly ducks for cover as the demon throws the fireball. It hits the second wood nymph, vanquishing her.) ANGLE - O'BRIEN (O'Brien hides behind a fallen tree stump. He looks out at the grotto and sees chaos - magical creatures defenseless and being killed one after the other.) (An ogre stands up and grabs an elf who has fallen. He picks her up and pulls her to safety.) (The demon stands with a fireball in his hand, ready to fire. He looks around and sees Liam trying to make it to cover.) (O"Brien looks across the way at his friend.) LIAM: If we don't get the Charmed Ones ... we're all dead! (A fireball hits nearby, startling Liam. He tries to make it to O'Brien, who reaches out a hand to help him. Liam reaches up to grab O'Brien's hand when he's hit in the back by a fireball.) (He screams as he explodes.) (O'Brien grimly looks around.) [EXT. GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE - NIGHT] (Paige is meditating, her eyes closed as she sits in lotus position on a floating bed of white orb lights.) (A rainbow appears and O'Brien steps out, limping and injured from the attack.) O'BRIEN: Paige! You got to help us! We're under attack! (Paige doesn't open her eyes.) PAIGE: I'm sorry. This is 'me' time. O'BRIEN: They killed Liam! They're trying to kill us all! PAIGE: I'm trying to find a deeper meaning. Please go! Bay! (She waves her hand and orbs O'Brien away from her.) (O'Brien yells in shocked surprise.) [EXT. SAN FRANCISCO BAY - WIDE - NIGHT] (Bright orb lights fly off the tower and into the bay.) O'BRIEN: Aaaaarrrggh! [EXT. WATER - CLOSE ON O'BRIEN -- NIGHT SPLASH! (O'Brien land sin the bay.) [EXT. GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE - NIGHT] (Paige still has her eyes closed in meditation. Suddenly, she opens her eyes as if knowing something's wrong.) [EXT. SAN FRANCISCO BAY - WIDE - NIGHT] (After a beat, O'Brien pops up from the water, sputtering - drenched, pissed and betrayed -- ) O'BRIEN: Uhh! [EXT. GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE - NIGHT] (A gold glow washes over Paige and her eyes widen. The white orb lights she's sitting on vanish and she falls on her rump.) (She pauses a moment.) PAIGE: Uh-oh. [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT - NIGHT] (ON THE POTTED PLANT. The wood nymph floats out from the greenery calling for -- WOOD NYMPH: Help! Phoebe! Please! ANGLE - BEDROOM (Mid-kiss, Phoebe sighs and falls back on the bed with Coop.) ANGLE - WOOD NYMPH (She sees Phoebe in the bedroom and rushes over.) ANGLE - BEDROOM (Phoebe slips out of her jacket as she continues kissing Coop.) WOOD NYMPH: We're being attacked! (Phoebe sees the Wood Nymph lingering in the doorway.) PHOEBE: (panting) What?! Not now! (Coop is unaware why Phoebe's stopped.) COOP: You all right? PHOEBE: Yeah. COOP: Do you want me to stop? PHOEBE: No. (And she pulls him back to her for another kiss.) ANGLE - LIVING ROOM (From the bedroom doorway, the Wood Nymph turns to see the Assassin Demon shimmer in, fireball at the ready. She quickly dives back toward the potted plant in the corner just as the demon throws and the fireball hits the plant, exploding it.) ANGLE - BEDROOM DOORWAY (Phoebe gasps and runs out to the doorway in time to see the smoking plant. She turns and sees the assassin demon. He looks back directly at her, then shimmers out.) (Coop appears behind Phoebe, his shirt unbuttoned.) (The spell Phoebe's under pops out of her, rises up and vanishes.) (Phoebe knows something's gone horribly wrong.) PHOEBE: Uh-oh. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - MAIN HALL / SITTING ROOM - NIGHT] (Piper is vacuuming the main hall when her timer bell dings.) FAST FORWARD: (In a blur, Piper turns the vacuum off and goes into the kitchen. She exits the kitchen carrying a tray of cookies.) RESUME MOTION. (She puts the tray of cookies down next to the first tray of pastry cups. She picks up the martini mixer and shakes it.) (The faerie appears and starts talking with Piper.) FAERIE 2: (tinkling) PIPER: May I help you? (Piper continue shaking the martini mixer.) FAERIE 2: (tinkling) PIPER: What's that? FAERIE 2: (tinkling) PIPER: You and the whole magical community is under attack? FAERIE 2: (tinkling) PIPER: Demons are slaughtering you left and right? FAERIE 2: (tinkling) PIPER: Your only hope is us? FAERIE 2: (tinkling) (Piper puts the martini mixer down on the table.) PIPER: Well. I'm sorry, but unfortunately, I can't help you. I need to be here for when Leo comes home. FAERIE 2: (tinkling) (Piper looks down at the table.) (In the background, an assassin demon shimmers in. The faerie turns and sees the demon. He tries to warn Piper, but she just bats him away with her hand.) (The demon powers up a fireball and throws it at the faerie. The faerie explodes.) (Piper whirls around in time to see the explosion and the fine stream of dust fall to the carpet.) PIPER: Oh! (She looks at the demon.) PIPER: That's just awful! I just vacuumed there. (Piper turns to get the vacuum. The demon shimmers out.) (She starts vacuuming the carpet, the faerie dust tinkling as it gets sucked into the machine.) (Piper glows and the spell wears out. She changes out of her housewife clothes and back into her regular clothes. She pauses, knowing something has gone horribly wrong.) PIPER: Uh-oh. (PRE-LAP) O'BRIEN: (v.o.) Help! Help us! [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - GREAT HALL - NIGHT] (Billie, Christy and Dumain rush out.) CHRISTY: What's wrong? What happened? (O'Brien leans against the column.) O'BRIEN: Demons. They're attacking us all! DUMAIN: But ... where are the Charmed Ones? O'BRIEN: Leaving us to die. (Dumain looks at Billie.) BILLIE: We'll take care of that. (O'Brien looks at them. Christy glances at Billie.) [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - FOYER / MAIN HALL - NIGHT] (The front door opens and Phoebe rushes in.) PHOEBE: (calls out) Piper?! (She closes the door and hurries through the main hall.) PHOEBE: Paige?! (Piper and Paige step out.) PIPER: Thank god you're all right. Why didn't you answer your cell? PHOEBE: I left it at the condo. PAIGE: Was a spell cast on you as well? PHOEBE: Yes. I don't know what happened. One second, I was talking to Coop, and the next, I was attacking him. PAIGE: Magically? PHOEBE: No. Sexually. Who do you think did this to us? PIPER: Who else? Billie. She's the only one who knows us well enough to use our past against us. PHOEBE: Ooh, I'm gonna kill her. PIPER: Where you been? PAIGE: Okay, the big question is, what do we do now? PHOEBE: Uh ... they seem to be one step ahead of us. I mean, we tried to warn our friends. PIPER: Who probably think we've abandoned them. PAIGE: Yeah? Well, we need to find them and change their minds. PHOEBE: The only way to do that is to save them. (Phoebe, Paige and Piper head upstairs to the attic.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (They enter the attic and find the remaining magical community gathered there - a considerably smaller group than before.) PHOEBE: What's goin' on? PAIGE: We were just coming to save you. O'BRIEN: Well, we've already been saved. And not by you. Yeah. For years we thought you were on our side. Counted on ya. And to leave us ... high and dry ... PIPER: Hey. We were under a spell. PHOEBE: We wanted to save you, but something wouldn't let us. (The Ogre stands up.) OGRE: (angry) You betrayed us! (He backhands Phoebe across the face. She falls to the floor.) (Phoebe gets to her feet. With O'Brien in the lead, the magical community advances around the Charmed Ones.) O'BRIEN: It's always one thing or another with you, isn't it? Our good friends are being slaughtered while you're kissing your loved ones or contemplating your navel. Billie and Christy were right about you. PAIGE: Look, they're twisting everything. It's not what you think. CHRISTY: (o.s.) They know exactly what to think. (Christy and Billie step out from the back of the crowd.) CHRISTY: They think it's over. BILLIE: And so do we. (Christy concentrates and a large fireball forms in front of her. The magical creatures gasp and step back.) (Seeing that things aren't going well, Phoebe heads over to grab the Book of Shadows.) PHOEBE: Uh ... the Book. (Billie telekinetically pushes the fireball toward the sisters.) (Paige orbs them out just as the fireball passes through them and at the far wall - completely demolishing it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. UNDERWORLD CAVE - NIGHT] (Mid-motion, the girls re-orb and hit the dirt ground hard.) GIRLS: Unhh! (They turn and look back only to find themselves in a dirty underworld cavern.) PHOEBE: What -- how did we get here? (They rub the dirt from their hands.) PAIGE: I don't know. I aimed for Magic School. They must have ... protected it from us. PHOEBE: Wait. So there's demons up there, and we're stuck in the underworld? PIPER: We're the bad guys now. (Piper gets to her feet.) PAIGE: Well, how did that happen? PHOEBE: Well, more importantly, what are we gonna do now? (Suddenly in the darkness a great demonic howl echoes throughout the cavern. Piper turns around and sees nothing but darkness and miniature volcanoes spewing out light and smoke.) PIPER: (mutters) Oh, this is bad. This is really bad. (Paige hugs her knees to her chest as the demonic sounds, growls and whispers grow louder and louder around them.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - BLACK ROOM - DAY] (Dumain reports back to the Triad.) BALIEL: They've escaped. DUMAIN: But not for long. They're on the run, banished with nowhere to turn. ASMODEUS: So ... how can they be destroyed? DUMAIN: They won't give up. They'll attack Billie and Christy with everything they've got. CANDOR: And so will begin the ultimate battle. DUMAIN: One which will destroy all the witches ... Including Billie and Christy. (Dumain bows to the Triad.) ASMODEUS: Then we can return ... once and for all. (Camera holds on the Triad.) [SCENE_BREAK] TITLE/OPENING CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] TRANSCRIBED FROM WB Starring: ALYSSA MILANO as Phoebe Halliwell ROSE McGOWAN as Paige Matthews and HOLLY MARIE COMBS as Piper KALEY CUOCO as Billie Jenkins Created by CONSTANCE M. BURGE Guest Starring MARNETTE PATTERSON as Christy Jenkins ANTHONY CISTARO LELAND CROOKE MICHAEL J. ANDERSON MICHAEL GILDEN SOREN OLIVER STEVEN J. OLIVER and VICTOR WEBSTER as Coop (Cupid) Editor: PAUL FONTAINE Production Designer: PAUL STAHELI Directory of Photography: KRIS KROSSKOVE Consulting Producer: JONATHAN LEVIN Co-Producer: CAMERON LITVACK Producer: PETER CHOMSKY Producer: HOLLY MARIE COMBS Producer: ALYSSA MILANO Supervising Producer: JEANNINE RENSHAW Supervising Producer: ROB WRIGHT Co-Executive Producer: JAMES L. CONWAY Produced By: JON PARE [SCENE_BREAK] Executive Producer: BRAD KERN Executive Producer: AARON SPELLING Executive Producer: E. DUKE VINCENT Tonight's Charmed featured music by: * pink, i'm not dead, promotional consideration furnished by laface records Spelling Television Inc., A CBS Company Executive Story Editor: LIZ SEGAL Associate Producer: LARRY GOLDSTEIN Co Starring: JOEL STOFFER as Creo LOGAN ALEXANDER as Goon DAVID MATLEY as Ogre Co Starring: CASSANDRA GRAE as Wood Nymph KRISTOPHER SIMMONS as Wyatt #1 JASON SIMMONS as Wyatt #2 Co Starring: SCOUT TAYLOR-COMPTON as Fairy #1 JAKE DIMMIDDLE as Fairy #2 Music By: J. PETER ROBINSON Casting by: KIMBERLY LANSE FOSTER Original Casting by VICTORIA HUFF, C.S.A. Unit Production Manager: JON PARE First Assistant Director: DEREK JOHANSEN Second Assistant Director: BERYL COHEN Costume Designer: DANIELA GSCHWENDTNER Camera Operator: MICHAEL ST. HILLAIRE 1st Assistant Camera: HAL ARNOLD Chief Lighting Technician: DON LEHMAN Asst. Chief Lighting Technician: COOPER DONALDSON Set Designer: ROLAND HILL Set Decorator: ROBINSON ROYCE, S.D.S.A. Leadperson: MICHAEL ZUFELT Property Master: ROGER MONTESANO Assistant Property Master: SCOTT COCKERELL Script Supervisor: NANCY SOLOMAN Costume Supervisor: CHIC GENNARELLI Dept. Head Key Make-Up Artist: NANETTE NEW Key Make-up artist: ANI MALONEY Key Make-Up Artist: BRET MARDOCK Dept. Head Key Hairstylist: AUDREY FUTTERMAN-STERN Key Hairstylist: BRANDON WAGGONER Sound Mixer: BRETT GRANT-GRIERSON Transportation Coordinator: MARTIN COBLENZ Production Coordinator: RICK NAPOLI Production Accountant: BYRON MACDONALD Script Coordinator: SCOTT LIPSEY First Company Grip: STEVE GAUSCHE 2nd Company Grip: TOM HAM Construction Coordinator: STAR FIELDS Stunt Coordinator: NOON ORSATTI Special Effects Coordinator: RANDY CABRAL Special Effects Shop Coordinator: VINNIE BORGESE Visual Effects Supervisor: STEPHEN LEBED Casting Associate: KAREN P. MORRIS Assistant to Brad Kern: ANDREA CONWAY Assistant to Jon Pare: JENNIFER REES Assistant to the Writers: RICK MULRRAGUL Technical Advisor: JOHN RICHARD TODD Assistant Editor: GREGORY BARNA Music Editor: NINO CENTURION Supervising Sound Editor: JEFF CLARK Music Coordinator: CELEST RAY Re-Recording Mixers: JOSH SCHNEIDER / BRUCE MICHAELS Film and Electronic Laboratory (tm) by LASERPACIFIC MEDIA, a Kodak company Lenses and Panaflex(R) Camera by PANAVISION(R) Digital Sound Editing and Mixing by LASERPACIFIC MEDIA, a Kodak company Digital Visual Effects by ENCORE VIDEO Executive in Charge of Production: GAIL M. PATTERSON Executive in Charge of Post-Production: KENNETH MILLER This motion picture is protected under the laws of the United States and other countries. Any unauthorized duplication, copying, distribution, exhibition or use may result in civil liability and or criminal prosecution. The places and characters depicted herein are entirely fictitious, and any similarity to any real places or people is purely coincidental. (c) 2006 by Spelling Television Inc., A CBS company. All rights reserved. Country of First Publication: United States of America Spelling Television Inc., is the author of this film / motion picture for the purpose of Article 15(2) of the Berne Convention and all National Laws giving effect thereto. TheWB.com Dated:07/02/2006
Plan: A: deception; Q: What do Christy and the demonic world resort to in order to get Billie to fight alongside them? A: the magical community; Q: Who does Christy and the demonic world try to deceive? A: their powers; Q: What do the sisters not use for the greater good? A: the underworld; Q: Where do Piper, Phoebe, and Paige hide in order to come up with a plan to fight back? A: the demons; Q: Who is working with Christy? A: the upcoming battle; Q: What will destroy the Charmed Ones and Billie and Christy? Summary: In order to get Billie to fight the Charmed Ones alongside of her, Christy and the demonic world resort to deception in order to get the magical community to think the sisters are no longer using their powers for the greater good, and as a result, need to be stopped. As a result, Piper, Phoebe, and Paige have to hide in the underworld in order to come up with a plan to fight back. Meanwhile, the demons working with Christy reveal that the upcoming battle will not only destroy the Charmed Ones, but also Billie and Christy.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Ross, and Monica are all there as Chandler enters wearing glasses.] Chandler: Hey, you guys! Ross and Rachel: Hey! Chandler: So, what do you think? Ross: About what? Rachel: Yeah, what? Joey: What? Chandler: Are you kidding? Okay, I'll give you a hint; I'll give you a hint. (Points to his glasses.) Joey: Eyes! No, no. Your eyes! No. Chandler's eyes! Chandler: I got glasses! Ross: Well, you-you've always had glasses. Chandler: No I didn't! Ross: Are you sure? Rachel: Yeah-yeah, did-didn't you use to have a pair? They were really round, burgundy, and they made you look kind of umm... Joey: Feminine. Rachel: Yes! Chandler: No! Monica: Sweetie, I think the glasses look great. They make you look really sexy. Chandler: Really? Monica: Yeah! Chandler: (sitting down on the arm of her chair) You didn't think I used to wear glasses, right? Monica: Of course! (She mouths, "I have no idea," to the rest of the gang.) Opening Credits [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are making some sandwiches.] Phoebe: So what do you guys want for an engagement present? Chandler: That's okay Pheebs, we're not having a party or anything, so you don't have to get us... Monica: (interrupts him) If someone wants to give us a present, we don't want to deprive them of that joy. Rachel: Oh, y'know what you should get 'em? One of those little uh, portable CD players. Monica: Oh, I already have one. Phoebe: Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist. Rachel: Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey. Monica: Hey, I know what I want! Chandler: What we want honey. Monica: No, you don't want this. I want to have your grandmother's cookie recipe. Phoebe: You mean the chocolate chip cookie recipe? Monica: Uh-huh, yeah. Phoebe: You mean the one that my grandmother made me swear on her deathbed that I would never let out of our family? Chandler: Dying people say the craziest things. Monica: I wanted it for years! I was gonna make cookies for my children. Phoebe: Break my heart-Oh, all right. Monica: Okay. I'm gonna be the mom that makes the world's best chocolate chip cookies. Chandler: Our kids are gonna be fat aren't they. Joey: (entering) Ahoy! Chandler: Hey! How's the boat?! Joey: Great! I'm finally getting into this sailing stuff. Monica: Oh, so you finally took it out of the marina huh? Joey: Why would I do that? It took three guys to get the thing in there! Phoebe: If you don't sail your boat, what do you do on it? Joey: Oh, it's great! It's a great place to just kinda, sit, hang around, drink a few beers, eat some chips. (He says that as he sits, hangs around, drinks a beer, and eats a chip.) Chandler: Well, it's good that you finally have a place to do that. Rachel: Y'know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want. Joey: You could? Rachel: Yeah! I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat. Phoebe: Your own boat? Rachel: What?! What?! He was trying to cheer me up! My pony was sick. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there. He takes off his glasses and starts chewing on the ear piece.] Chandler: Do you know what I was thinkin'? Monica: What? Chandler: Nothing, I just like to go like this. (Does it again.) Ross: (entering from the bathrooms) Hey Chandler, what are you doing tonight? Chandler: Uh why, do you have a lecture? Ross: No, why? Chandler: Then free as a bird. What's up? Ross: My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us. Monica: Wow! That's great! Dad must really like you, he doesn't ask just anyone to play. Ross: Yeah and he didn't really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you. Chandler: Well, did-did you correct him? Ross: No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way. Monica: This is so cool, maybe this is something you can do every week. Ross: Or you can sit with him on the front porch and make sure no one steals the trash cans. He does that every week too. Monica: Oh, just so you know, you-you have to let him win. Ross: Yeah. Monica: He hates to lose. Chandler: Oh no problem, maybe I'll play with my left hand. Ross: You're not a lefty? Chandler: Does anybody know me?! (Phoebe enters, walks up to Monica, and exhales exasperatedly.) Monica: What's wrong Phoebe? Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get you the-the cookie recipe and the stupid fire burned it up! Monica: No!! Why didn't you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards from the original?!! Phoebe: (pauses as he figures out how to answer that) Because I'm normal! That was the one legacy my grandmother left me, and I know you wanted it as an engagement present. Ross: Oh, we have to get you an engagement present? Chandler: Don't worry about it Pheebs. Ross: No one got me an engagement present. Phoebe: Okay, here I wish you health and happiness. (She hands Monica a cookie in a plastic baggie.) Chandler: An old cookie? Monica: (To Chandler) This is what happens when you don't register for gifts! Phoebe: See no-no, I made a batch and I froze it, and this is the only one left. Chandler: We can't accept this. Phoebe: Why not? Chandler: 'Cause it's gross. Monica: No! Wait! I think I can figure out the recipe from this cookie! I do stuff like this at work all the time. Phoebe: Really?! Monica: Yeah! I bet I can do it. (Chandler looks over and sees Ross glaring at them.) Chandler: Okay, we owe you a present. Ross: Two! I've been engaged twice! [Scene: The Mr. Bowmont (Joey's boat), she's shown to be in one of the waterways around New York, but in reality she's in a sound stage on the Warner Bros. lot and we see New York from the water in some rather poor green screen shots. Rachel and Joey are on board.] Joey: (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way jackass! (To Rachel) Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway? Rachel: That is the Coast Guard. Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast's all the way over there. (Points to the coast, meanwhile there is coast behind him.) Rachel: Joey, just ignore the boats all right? We're not finished with the lesson yet. Joey: All right. Rachel: Okay, I'm just gonna go over the basic points just one more time, are you ready? Joey: Come on Rach, not again. I got it! Okay? Let's start sailing, and I want to go over there (Points) where that boatload of girls is! (Yelling to them) Yo-ho-ho! Rachel: Oh, okay. Is that what you want to do? You wanna go over and give a little shout out to the old, hot chickas? Okay, let's do that Sailor Joe. Quick question though, (grabs some of the rigging) what's this called? Joey: Uh, boat rope. Rachel: Wrong! How do you get the mainsail up? Joey: Uh, rub it? Rachel: No. What do you do if I say we are coming about? Joey: I'd say, come again. No-no, wait I-I-I know this one, I know this one, uh... (Rachel blasts an air horn in his ear.) Rachel: Time's up, now you're dead. Joey: And deaf! Rachel: Okay, you just go on and make your little jokey-jokes, but if you do not know what you are doing out at sea you will die at sea. Am I getting through to you sailor?! (She punctuates each word by slapping him on the forehead.) Joey: Yes. Rachel: Don't just say yes! This isn't a game, Joey, you can really get hurt out here. Okay, so do you want to pay attention or do you want to die?! Joey: I want to make a ship to shore call to Chandler. [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are trying to determine the cookie recipe by eating small pieces.] Monica: All right, I definitely taste nutmeg. Phoebe: You do? Monica: You don't? (Laughs) Well, that's the difference between a professional and a layman. Phoebe: That and arrogance. Joey: (entering) Hey. Monica: Hey! How was sailing? Joey: I don't want to talk about it. Y'know, you could've at least saved me a whole cookie. (He grabs what's left of the cookie and pops in his mouth.) Monica and Phoebe: No-wait-no-no!!!!!!! Joey: (recoils in horror) Women are mean!!! (Storms out.) Phoebe: I can't believe that! Now the only thing left of my grandmother's legacy is this crumb. (She picks it up with her finger and holds it out to Monica.) I wish you a long and happy marriage. Ross: (entering with Chandler) Hey. Monica: Hey! How was it? Ross: Well I had a great time! Umm, Chancy on the other hand... Chandler: I will tell the story! It was going great. I let him win. We were bonding. He even said I could call him dad. Ross: And what did he ask you not to call him? Chandler: Daddy. All right look, here's the story. (Flashback to Chandler about to enter the steam room as he does the voice-over.) Well, we had just finished playing racquetball and we were gonna take a steam. I walk into the steam room and it was really steamy. (The flashback shows his glasses fog up and him trying to find his way around the steam-filled room. He takes off his glasses.) So I take off my glasses and that's when it happened. [Cut to the flashback, Chandler's no longer doing the voice-over.] Chandler: Guys? Ross: Over here. (You can see Ross sitting at the far wall.) Mr. Geller: Have a seat son. (You can see Mr. Geller sitting closer to the door as Chandler walks over and sits in his lap.) Hey!! (Chandler quickly jumps off and sits next to him with a shocked expression on his face.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is finished telling everyone what happened.] Monica: Oh my God Chandler! I can't believe it! Chandler: I know. Monica: You gave my father a lap dance! Chandler: Why do they put so much steam in there?! Ross: 'Cause otherwise they'd have to call it the room room. Chandler: Why? Okay? Why? Wh-wh-why did that have to happen? Phoebe: Come on, it's not that big a deal! Chandler: Not that big a deal? There...there was touching of things. Ross: Now, I know you wanted to bond with my dad, but did you really have to bond to that part? Monica: Listen, I'm sure that dad doesn't care. He probably thought this was funny; he'll be telling this story for years! Chandler: I don't want him to tell this story for years. Ross: Oh, but he will. He still tells the story how Monica tried to escape from fat camp. Monica: I wasn't escaping. Ross: Then how did you get caught in the barbed wire? Monica: I was trying to help out a squirrel. Ross: You were trying to eat it! (The phone rings.) Chandler: If that is your father calling to tell this story then the marriage is off! Monica: (takes the phone from Ross) Come on. (Answering phone) Hello? (Listens) I'm sorry you have the wrong number. (Listens) (Whispering) Okay, I'll call you later dad. I love you. (Hangs up.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are there.] Chandler: (getting up) All right, I'm off to see your dad. Ross: Whoa-whoa, aren't you a little over dressed? Rachel: (laughing) Yeah, and-and you better make sure he tips you this time. Chandler: Look, I figured I would try to convince him not to tell the story anymore, and I figure the best way to do that is face to face-And by face I don't mean his lap. And by face, I don't mean my ass. (Exits.) Ross: (To Rachel) Hey are you getting Monica and Chandler an engagement present? Rachel: I don't know. Y'know, they didn't get us anything. Ross: Thank you! Joey: (entering) Hey. Ross: Hey. Rachel: Well hello! So, when are we gettin' back out on the water matey? Joey: Oh uh, I don't know the boat way to say this, but uh never! Rachel: Why not? Joey: Because! You're mean on the boat! Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you. Joey: Well, lesson learned! Rachel is mean! Ross: Yeeeeeep... Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took me out on her dad's boat she wouldn't let me help at all. Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn't move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets. Ross: You have to respect the sea! (Storms off.) Rachel: Look Joey, I'm sorry if-if you thought that was mean, but I gotta tell ya something. That was not mean. Okay, my father is mean. He used to yell at me all the time on the boat, I mean it was horrible. I was just being a good teacher. Joey: Does a good teacher say, "Put down the beer pinhead!?" Rachel: Well, does a good student drink seven beers during his first lesson? Joey: Six and a half! You knocked that last one out of my hand! Remember? Rachel: Yeah, I didn't want you to get hit by the boom! Joey: Well it hit me anyway! And it would've hurt a lot less if I had finished that last beer. Rachel: All right, y'know what? I-I'm sorry. I will try to tone it down and uh stop yelling. Joey: You won't boss me around anymore? Rachel: I won't boss you around. Joey: And you'll be nice? Rachel: And, I'll be nice. Joey: And you'll be topless? Rachel: And-Joey! Joey: Do you want me to learn?! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is trying out different cookie recipes. Ross and Phoebe are the tasting group.] Monica: Okay, here's batch 22. Oh, maybe these'll taste a little like your grandmother's. This has a little bit of orange peel, but no nutmeg. Ross: Let's give it a shot. Monica: Okay. Man, I have not made this many cookies since I was in the ninth grade. Phoebe: Oh, what was that for? Like a bake sale? Monica: No, just a Friday night. (They all take a bite.) Ross: Oh, these are pretty good. Phoebe: Yeah, but not as good as batch 17. Ross: Which one was that? Monica: The ones we had right after you almost threw up. Ross: Oh yeah! Batch 17 was good. I did not like batch 16. (Burps a little bit.) I'm okay. Phoebe: Are there any more from the good batch? 'Cause we could just work off of those. Ross: Yeah, ooh yeah, I think there is one from batch 17 left, uh... (Grabs a cookie and takes a big bite out of it and doesn't like it.) It's batch 16! 16 people! Get out of the way! (Gets up and runs for the bathroom.) [Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, it's Joey's second lesson with Rachel as the resident sailing expert.] Rachel: Okay Joey honey, you're doing really good! All right, now I'm just gonna need you to step to the port side. (Joey pauses as he tries to remember which side is the port side.) Remember? Remember how we talked about the port side? Joey: Oh yeah. Rachel: Right? Joey: Nope. Rachel: It's left sweetie, but that's okay sweetie, that's a tough one. Joey: I don't know why you just don't say left. Rachel: Okay, go to the left. (Joey goes starboard or sits on the right side of the boat.) The left! Joey: Huh? Rachel: (yelling) Just sit over there!! (Points to the port side.) Joey: (hurrying over) Okay! Okay, you're yelling again! See that? Rachel: No! No-no, no-no-no, very quiet, said with love, no yelling. Joey: Oh, y'know what? Since I'm here, I think I'm gonna have me a little beer on the port side. (Grabs and opens one.) Rachel: Okay Joey, we're luffing a little bit, so could you tighten up the cunningham? (The mainsail has started to flap in the wind and has stopped working efficiently; she wants him to tighten it so that it starts working again.) Joey: Uh, wow, you just said a bunch of stuff I didn't know there. Rachel: Joey, come on! We just went over this! (She does it instead.) Joey: Oh, y'know, when we did that was when that bird was flying overhead with the fish in his mouth. Did you see it? It was gross! Rachel: (angrily) No! All right?! I did not see the bird! I did not see the fish! I did not see the piece of Styrofoam that was shaped like Mike Tyson! I did not, because I was trying to teach you how to sail a boat! Which obviously is an impossible thing to do! Joey: All right that's it! You're yelling and I don't see you taking your top off! I quit! Rachel: What do you mean you quit?! You can't quit! Joey: Why not?! Rachel: Because you're not finished yet and I won't have it! Greens do not quit! Joey: Greens? I'm a Tribbiani! And Tribbianis quit! Rachel: Oh my God, wait did I-I just said Greens don't quit didn't I? (Pause) (Angrily) Did I just say Greens don't quit?! Joey: Yes! Yes! You did and you're still yelling at me! Rachel: No! No! No! I'm not yelling at you, I'm just yelling near you. Oh God Joey, oh I'm my father. Oh my God, this is horrible! I've been trying so hard not to be my mother I did not see this comin'. Oh, Joey, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I just wanted you to learn. Joey: Well, hey I did learn. Rachel: Really? Joey: Yeah! Come on. Rachel: Awww... Joey: Yeah, it's okay. I know what a mainsail is. (Points to it. It's the larger sail.) I know, I know to duck when the boom comes across. I-I know port is right. Rachel: Left. Joey: Damnit! [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the cookie-trying period has passed. Monica, Phoebe, and Ross are reflecting on the day's events.] Phoebe: Y'know, I bet it would actually make my grandmother very happy to know that we're trying to figure out her recipe. I bet she's l-l-lookin' up at us and smiling right now. Ross: Looking up? Phoebe: Oh yeah-No, she was really nice to me, but she's in hell for sure. Monica: Well, I've tried everything. I give up. I guess I'm not gonna be the mom who makes the world's best chocolate cookies. I do make the best duck confit with broccoli rabe. Kids love that right. Ross: Aww, Pheeb, come on isn't there any relative that would have the recipe? What about, what about your sister? Phoebe: Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula would be over my dead body. And that's not happening 'til October 15th, 2032. Ross: That's the day you're gonna die? See-darnit, I've got shuffleboard that day. Phoebe: That's what you think. Monica: Well, I mean what about friends of your grandmother's? Wouldn't they have the recipe? Phoebe: Well, y'know I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, Nesele Tolouse. Monica: What was her name? Phoebe: Nesele Toulouse. Monica: Nestle Tollhouse?! Phoebe: Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language. Monica: (grabbing a bag of Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chips) Phoebe, is this the recipe? (Tosses her the bag.) Phoebe: (reading the recipe on the back of the bag) Yes!! (Realizes.) Oh. Monica: I cannot believe that I just spent the last two days trying to figure out the recipe and it was in my cupboard the whole time! Phoebe: I know! You see it is stuff like this which is why (Looking down) you're burning in hell!! [Scene: The Gym, Chandler and Mr. Geller are heading for the whirlpool room.] Chandler: So you understand, I'd feel a lot more comfortable if you didn't tell people what happened. Y'know, I'm a little...I'm a little embarrassed about it. Mr. Geller: I understand completely, there's nothing more horrifying than embarrassing yourself in front of your in-laws. As a matter of fact, when I started dating Judy I was unemployed, and her father asked me what I did for a living and I told him I was a lawyer. Chandler: What did you do when they found out? Mr. Geller: They never did, so if you ever see me giving them legal advice just nod along. Shall we? (Chandler nods along and they enter the whirlpool room and remove their robes. Only Chandler is lacking a certain item of clothing. You see this is a coed whirlpool, which means swimsuits, and in fact there are two women already there and Chandler didn't seem to wear his. Needless to say, everyone is shocked, including Chandler.) Chandler: So I guess we wear swimsuits in here! Ending Credits [Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, is tied up alongside the pier; Joey and Rachel are relaxing.] Rachel: Well Joey, I hate to admit it, your way of sailing is a lot more fun. Joey: Yeah, yeah. Hey, why don't you give a pull on that rope? (Points.) Rachel: Oh we're not sailing. Joey: Just pull on it. Rachel: All right. (She does so and it brings the cooler closer together.) Hey-hey-hey!! (Sees what's in the cooler.) Sandwiches! Joey: What else? Rachel: (hands him one) Here you go. Joey: Thank you. Rachel: Oh wow! (She takes a bite, but holds the sandwich vertically so that the stuff falls out.) Joey: What are you doing? Rachel: Oh, sorry. Joey: What you-don't hold it like that! You're lettin' all the good stuff fall out. (More falls out.) Rachel: Oh whoops. Joey: Careful! You're wasting good pastrami! (Gasps.) Oh my God! I'm my dad!
Plan: A: Phoebe; Q: Who offers to give Monica her grandmother's secret cookie recipe? A: the fire; Q: What event destroyed Monica's grandmother's cookie recipe? A: Nestle's Toll House; Q: What is the name of the cookie recipe Monica tries to recreate? A: Rachel; Q: Who tries to teach Joey how to sail? A: his lax attitude; Q: What does Rachel berate Joey for? A: Her domineering manner; Q: What makes Rachel realize she is acting like her nasty father? A: the gym steam room; Q: Where did Chandler's new eyeglasses fog up? A: nude lap; Q: What does Chandler accidentally sit on his future father-in-law? Summary: Phoebe offers to give Monica her grandmother's secret cookie recipe - but the recipe was destroyed in the fire. Monica obsessively attempts to recreate it, only to learn that the recipe is for Nestle's Toll House. Rachel tries to teach Joey how to sail, but is soon berating him for his lax attitude. Her domineering manner makes her realize she is acting like her nasty father. Meanwhile, Chandler's new eyeglasses fog up in the gym steam room, resulting in him accidentally sitting on his future father-in-law's nude lap.
TEASER Angel: "Previously on Angel:" Lorne: "They've been feeding you your own son's blood so you'd get the taste of it and want more." Holtz: "Angelus is in his nature. The beast *will* re-emerge." Lorne: "Wesley's taking the baby away - for good." Justine slits Wes' throat. Holtz to Connor: "Hello, son. Your name is Steven Franklin Thomas and I'm your father." Lilah: "Give us the kid, Captain Holtz." Holtz: "Anyone tries to take him, he dies." Sahjhan: "The world you're looking into is the Quor-toth, the darkest of the dark worlds." Holtz jumps through the rip with baby Connor. Justine: "Daniel!" Lorne: "There are no portals to Quor-toth. To punch through to Quor-toth would require dark, dark magics. The kind of power it takes centuries to build. Please do not do this thing." Lilah dribbles her blood into the center of the Pentagram. AI leans over the hole in the ballroom floor and stares at the pool full of the glowing ghost-shrimp/slugs. Cordy: "You know there is almost always some cosmic price to using primordial powers." One of the slugs crawls into Fred. Angel: "What are you fleeing from?" Fred: "The destroyer. It's coming after you - Angel." The air above the pentagram crackles with static lightning and an ugly, horned monster drops through, followed almost immediately by a teenaged boy. The boy slices the demon's head off in one smooth motion and its decapitated body falls out of frame. Angel stands immobile, staring as the boy aims a three-chambered, wrist-mounted stake-launcher at him. Connor: "Hi, dad." In slow motion, we see Gunn run for the weapons cabinet. Groo moves to the side to get a clear shot at Connor, swinging his ax. Angel turns towards them, holding out a hand. Angel: "Wait!" Connor launches two stakes at Angel in quick succession as Angel turns back to face him. Angel: "No!" Angel turns as the stakes travel through the air, aimed at his heart. The first one almost lodges in his shoulder, but he turns with it and bats the second one aside. Even as the stakes fly towards Angel, Groo's ax flies through the air at Connor, who deflects the ax, mirroring Angel's motion. Back in real time, both Angel and Conner straighten back up and resume their former positions staring at each other, Connor with the stake-launcher once again aimed at Angel, as the last of the stakes clatters to the floor. Connor: "Interesting." TEASER END INTRO Angel: "My god. - It's you. - Connor." Connor launches three more stakes at Angel, who ducks and rolls to avoid them. Cordy: "Angel!" Cordy tosses her sword, and Angel catches it out of the air as he rolls back to his feet. Connor tosses the stake launcher aside and swipes at Angel with the blade in his left hand. Angel parries the blow on his sword. Connor does a one-handed cartwheel, then flips up, kicking both Gunn and Groo in the chest in quick succession before landing on his feet in front of the counter. Cordy has positioned herself in front of Lorne and Fred, holding another sword in a guard position. Angel: "Will you just stop for..." Connor spins back to swipe at Angel. Angel spins so that for a moment the two of them are standing back to back, parrying the blade in Connor's left with the sword in his right. Angel: "Can't we just talk about this?" Connor elbows Angel in the back, dropping him face first on the floor, grabs a hold of one of Angel's ankles and sends him sliding across the floor between his own spread legs. As he slides, Angel turns onto his back and catches the down swing of Connor's blade on his sword. Angel: "Wait!" Angel kicks both feet up into Connor's face, sending him flying into a backward flip. Connor lands flat on his back, but does a quick kip-up back to his feet. Gunn and Groo are also back on their feet, and together with Angel from a triangle around Connor as they all shift positions. Angel: "Okay. Everybody just calm down." Groo swipes at Connor and gets knocked back into the stairs. Connor turns and parries the swing Gunn aims at him then spins out of it into a punch at Angel, back around to punch at Gunn. He keeps spinning and kicking and punching at his three opponents in turn in rapid succession. Gunn: "Angel, if Peter Pan here doesn't stop..." Connor jump-kicks Gunn hard in the chest, then moves in for the killing blow. Before he can complete it, Angel hits him on the back of the head with the pommel of his sword, knocking him away from Gunn. Angel drops the sword, and straddles Connor, hitting him with a hard right-cross, then forcing the blade strapped to Connor's left wrist closer and closer to his own throat. The tip of the blade starts to dig into Connor's throat. Suddenly Angel's eyes widen. He rips the blade from Connor's arm and tosses it behind him, then slowly backs off, staring at his son. Cordy, still standing guard in front of Lorne and Fred, watches as Angel slowly offers his hand to help Connor up. But Connor only squirms back a little, then jumps to his feet and runs up the steps and out of the front doors of the Hyperion. Angel runs after him. Connor comes running out of the doors into the courtyard of the Hyperion. He runs from the shadows by the doors out into the bright sunshine. Angel: "No!" Angel starts to backpedal even as Gunn and Groo reach out to pull him back before he runs out into the sunlight himself. Angel: "Connor!" Gunn: "You're gonna fry out here, man! Come on." Angel watches Connor run out of the gates. Gunn: "We'll go." Gunn and Groo take off after Connor. Angel stands in the shadows by the door staring after them as Cordy comes running out. Connor has run out into the middle of the busy street and cars are honking, and swerving in an effort to avoid hitting him. Gunn and Groo stop at the side of the road, blocked from following by the erratic traffic. Connor has made it to the center of the street and stands on the center line, staring back at Groo and Gunn as cars pass between them, honking. A bus passes behind Connor and he takes off running, then scales up the back of it. Groo and Gunn watch him disappear down the street, crouched on top of the bus. Angel in the lead, everyone files back into the hotel. Angel: "Okay, anyone get the number of that bus?" Gunn: "Seventeen. I'll call, see where it ends up." Fred: "Let me check online. It'll be faster." Cordy: "That was it. That was it, Angel." Angel, pulling on his coat: "No. No, it isn't. I'm gonna go find him." Cordy: "I mean the fight you just had. That was the vision I warned you about yesterday." Angel: "You never mentioned Connor!" Cordy: "Because I only saw you." Gunn: "Angel? I hate to bring that up, but are we sure this was Connor? Just 'cause he said 'hi, dad'?" Angel: "That was him." Gunn: "Couple of weeks ago he was wearing diapers. Now he's a teenager?" Cordy: "Tell me we don't live in a soap opera." Lorne: "Yeah, well, personally I'm less worried about the 'how he grew up' than the 'why he came back.'" Angel: "He came back because he could. He found a way to escape that place." Lorne: "Yeah, well, that's a possibility. Here is another: you sure he said 'hi, dad' and not 'you're dead'?" Angel: "He's angry and afraid. As soon as I get a chance to talk to him... Fred?" Fred: "Seventeen goes all the way downtown. Ends up at Union Station." Angel: "Okay. Look, I'm going underground. Somebody hit the surface streets." Angel runs off towards the basement. Gunn: "We got it, man." Groo: "We will not fail - man." Gunn turns to look at Groo. Cordy: "Let's split up. (Turns to Fred and Lorne) You guys start at the end of the line work your way backward..." Cordy trails off as the air above the Pentagram starts to crackle and hiss again. Cordy: "Okay. That can't be good." Fred: "I'm guessing the dimensional rift from Quor-toth must still be open?" Lorne: "Yeah. So, what-what's say we close it up before anything else slithers, skitters or slides out of there." Gunn: "Amen to that." Groo: "Princess, perhaps your newfound powers can seal it shut." Cordy after a beat: "Can't hurt to try." She steps into the middle of the Pentagram and lifts her hands to point at the air above her. Cordy: "I command you: Close!" The air continues to crackle and Cordy turns away. Cordy: "Okay. I got nothing." Fred: "Actually - we do know somebody who might be able to..." Gunn: "No. I already went to Wes's. Can't - do that again." Lorne: "Well - I-I might know a guy, who knows another guy." Groo: "Is it dangerous? Gunn and I can protect you." Lorne: "Well, no. It's not dangerous, it's just awkward. This guy is all hands. I mean, *all* hands, like fifty of them. Anybody fluid in sign language?" Cordy: "You know, we can't all walk out of here when we have a cosmic crack hanging over us." Groo: "Then I will stay (picks up a sword) and guard the hotel." Cordy: "I'm with him. (To Gunn and Fred) You two hit the streets. Lorne..." Lorne: "Already gone." Everyone heads out as Cordy gets herself a sword to join Groo on his watch. Fred: "You went to Wesley for me. He's the one who told you how to save me." Gunn: "Yeah. He made it clear. That's a door none of us is ever going to be knocking on again." There is a knock on a door. The door is opened by Wesley. Lilah: "I would have called, but I figured you'd only tell me to go to hell, so, I thought I'd just take a shot and drop by. - Aren't you going to invite you in?" Wes: "No." Lilah: "Okay." Lilah pushed past Wes and walks into his apartment. Lilah looks around as Wes checks the hallway to see if Lilah brought anyone before turning back to watch her without closing the door. Lilah: "Huh. Not what I expected. You know, bunch of flowers and 'get well' cards, maybe a couple of those balloons with the smiley faces on them?" Wes just looks at Lilah. Lilah: "Wow. I guess when she slit your throat she nicked your sense of humor." Wes: "Not at all. I find you being here extremely funny." Lilah: "And how is that?" Wes: "Because you're going to offer me a job." Lilah turns away with a slight smile and picks up a statue. Lilah: "It's a shame, really, what happened. You dedicate your life to a cause, and the very people you try to help turn their backs on you." Wes: "Yes. Tragic. Now get the hell out." Lilah: "Man of your talents, scholar, man of intellect..." Wes: "Deep inside knowledge of Angel Investigations." Lilah: "Did I mention that Wolfram and Hart has the finest library of mystical, occult, and supernatural reference material in the world? Full medical, dental, 401(k) package." Wes: "Not interested." Lilah: "Hey, it was worth a shot. - Anyway, here is something to help pass the time in the unemployment line." Lilah pulls a gift-wrapped book out of her purse and hands it to Wesley. Wes unwraps it and reads the title on the spine. Wes: "Dante's Divine Comedy." Lilah: "Actually it's just part one, the inferno. It's not a first edition, more like the fifteen hundreds, but it's in the original Tuscan. Have you read it?" Wes closes the book and tosses it on a table. Wes: "Several times." Lilah: "Then you know it's a guided tour of the underworld, the nine levels of hell." Wes: "Yes. Descending, concentric rings based on severity of the sin." Lilah: "You know, I always forget - the very bottom of hell, in the ninth circle, the devil is frozen in ice, right? He got three heads, three mouths and those mouths are reserved for the worst sinners. Now, I can't remember - who is in the center mouth? Wh-what was his name? The one person in all of human history deemed the greatest sinner? Who is it?" Wes after a beat: "Judas Iscariot." Lilah: "Right. The worst spot in hell is reserved for those who betray." Lilah walks past Wes towards the door, but stops and leans in close for a moment. Lilah: "So, don't pretend you're too good to work for us." Lilah leaves closing the door behind her. Connor is crouching on the roof of the bus, staring at the traffic and buildings as the bus drives down the road. He spots a big video screen, then stares down at a fire engine with its sirens blaring. As they pass another intersection he jumps off the bus. Angel is walking along the sewer tunnels, cell phone in hand. Angel: "Did you find him?" Gunn: "No. Looks like we just missed him though. He's leaving a trail." Angel: "What? Did he hurt somebody?" Gunn: "No, nothing like that. I mean gawkers. Folk's not used to seeing a kid in animal skins riding on top of a bus - not south of St. Monica Boulevard, anyway." Fred: "Two more Robin Hood reports." Gunn: "You hear that? He's still headed downtown." Angel: "Where are you?" Gunn: "Ah, just east of Union." Angel: "He won't head all the way into town." Gunn: "You don't think?" Angel: "Too many people. He'll jump off, head for some place less populated." Gunn checks his watch: "Well, you want us to turn around, come and get you?" Angel: "No. Still a few more hours till sunset. Just keep following the trail. The minute it goes cold, let me know." Gunn: "And if it doesn't go cold? I mean, if we find him first." Angel: "He's my son. He's my son, and he's alive. He's gonna stay alive." Gunn: "Right. Anything else we can do for you?" Angel: "Yeah. Make the sun go down." Angel closes his cell phone and moves on. Connor has made his way down beside an overpass, he hears a girls' voice. Sunny: " Come on, Tyke, look. Look. This stuff is good. It's worth something. Come on." Connor looks down into a dried up aqueduct and spots Sunny stumbling back a few steps, talking to someone he can't see. Sunny: "Hey, why are you being such a jerk? I need - I need it now. Tyke, come on!" We hear a man's voice arguing back. Connor drops over the side of the railing of the road bridging the aqueduct. Sunny is holding up three CD's for Tyke's inspection. Sunny: "Brand new, never opened. They got to be worth half a gram, huh?" Tyke takes the CDs and looks at them. Tyke: "They suck." Sunny taking them back: "They rock! Look! It's like every hit in the eighties! Plus - plus, this girl is hot." Connor slowly makes his way closer to the man and girl standing by a derelict car under the overpass. Tyke: "Get out of here, Sunny. You're embarrassing yourself." Sunny: "Hey, they're worth at least a quarter. Please!" Tyke: "Alright. Okay." Tyke takes the three CDs and tosses them like Frisbees one by one. Tyke: "Bye! Bye! Bye." Sunny: "You jerk!" She starts to flail at him and Tyke stops her by grabbing a hold of her body and hair. Tyke: "You know what? *That* you get to work off!" Sunny: "Let go! Don't." Tyke is in the process of sticking Sunny into the back seat of the derelict car when he notices Connor coming towards them. Tyke: "Walk away!" When Connor doesn't react, Tyke tosses Sunny into the backseat and turns to face Connor. Tyke: "An entire suit made of Chamois. That's different. 'What are you wearing to the Oscars?' 'My Chamois suit.' - What's all this?" Tyke indicates the string of bones and teeth that Connor is wearing slung across his chest. Connor: "Things I killed." Tyke laughs and whistles. Three thugs file out from under the overpass and arrange themselves behind Connor. Tyke: "Uh, aren't you all scary. Chamois and teeth! (Gives an exaggerated shudder) Wanna know what else is scary?" One of the guys behind Connor hits him over the head with a crowbar, even as Connor starts to turn to face him and Connor drops to the ground, not moving. Tyke: "Me." Break Tyke crouches down beside Connor and rips off the necklace of hunting trophies, taking a closer look at it. Tyke: "Just get rid of him." Tyke walks to the car, taking off his jacket and dropping it and Connor's necklace on the trunk of the car. One of his goons raises his crowbar to finish Connor off, but Connor's eyes pop open. Connor turns enough that the crowbar hits the concrete instead of his head, grabs a hold of it and kicks the guy wielding it in the stomach. Tyke turns and watches as Connor jumps up and easily holds his own against the three goons. Tyke pulls out a handgun and aims it at Connor, but even as he pulls the trigger, Sunny slams the car door into this back. Sunny: "No!" Tyke's aim goes wild and he shoots one of his own guys instead of Connor. Kicking the car door shut, Tyke aims the gun at Sunny next, but Connor kicks it out of his hand before he can pull the trigger. Connor and Tyke fight. Connor ends it by jumping on the car, grabbing a hold of Tyke and slamming him down hard on his back on the car roof. Pulling a blade from the sheath on his leg he throws it at one of the goon's, burying it in the guys forearm. As Connor goes to retrieve his knife. Sunny jumps out of the car and looks through Tyke's jacket lying on the trunk. She finds a roll of money and a bag of drugs. Looking up she sees that Connor is about to slit Tyke's throat. Sunny: "Don't! Are you crazy? The police are probably on their way. Come on. We got to go." Connor lets himself be pulled away, grabbing his string of trophies, then stops, turns back and slices off Tyke's left ear. Tyke screams as Connor holds up the ear to Sunny. Connor: "So he won't forget me." Groo is still standing guard, watching the crackling rift, sword at the ready, but Cordy is now sitting on the steps instead. Cordy: "Isn't your neck stiff? You've been standing exactly like that all day." Groo: "Pylean warriors are trained for such endurance. I once happened upon a herd of Bur-beasts and as you know, engorged Bur-beasts will couple with anything that moves. I was forced to stand perfectly still for eleven days and nights." Cordy: "So, you were never..." Groo smiles, still not taking his eyes off the rift: "No. That honor was yours, princess." Cordy, getting up: "I don't know. Angel does all that 'ninja statue, don't move a muscle or you're dead' stuff, too. Me, I wouldn't last ten minutes. Of course, heels? Not helping." Groo: "Yes. I'm sure Angel has regaled you with his many exploits." Cordy: "Oh, he's tried alright. But I get so bored with all that 'days of yore' crap. (Groo glances at her) Ah - I mean - they're nothing like your thrilling tales of adventure! Not that you need adventurous tales to impress me. I'm impressed by you just being you." Groo: "But the way you constantly speak of Angel." Cordy: "Is because these last weeks have been so hard for him. (Comes to stand in front of Groo) He needs me. And you do, too." Cordy pushes Groo's sword hand down and leans in to kiss him, but after only a moment Groo pulls back. Groo: "Princess, I should be watching for creatures from the other dimension." Cordy: "You're the only creature from another dimension I'm interested in." This time it is Groo that leans in to kiss Cordy. Goo: "I was worried that your affection for the Groosalug had waned." They kiss again - only to be knocked apart to land flat on their backs as thunder and lighting cracks from the rift above them. Three police cars surround the derelict car in the aqueduct. Gunn is talking to one of the officers, then makes his way out from under the yellow tape to meet up with Fred. Fred: "A couple of shopkeepers saw Conner jump off the bus right up the road from here." They walk a little ways to where Angel is standing in the shadows. Angel: "He was here. I can smell him." Gunn: "Cops say it was a drug thing gone wrong. Some guy got killed. It wasn't our boy. They caught one of the badies. I.d.ed a local as the shooter." Fred: "So, he was here but not part of..." Gunn: "Oh, he was part of it, lot of mayhem. (To Angel) Including the guy's ear sliced off as a trophy." Fred makes a face: "Uh!" Angel: "He was raised in a hell dimension, okay?" Gunn: "So, how do you wanna play this?" Angel: "Well, it'll be dark soon. You two head back to the hotel." Fred: "Shouldn't we all keep looking?" Angel: "I have a better chance finding him by myself. I don't wanna scare him. He's all alone in a strange world." We get a shot of the sun setting, then different flashes from around LA. Sunny: "So, that was really cool today. So, where did you learn to fight all bad-ass like that?" Connor: "In Quor-toth." Sunny: "Quor-toth? That's in Mexico, right?" She walks up to one of the doors of an abandoned motel and opens it only to reveal a guy about to light a drug pipe. Sunny: "Oh. Sorry." Sunny closes the door and moves over to the steps leading up to the second floor. Sunny: "Lots of folks squat here. Most are cool, but... If a fat guy, wearing furry slippers asks you to play 'teddy bear in the hole' just tell him to get lost. - So, ah - what did you do for kicks in Quor-toth?" Connor: "Kicks?" Sunny: "You know, like fun. Parties, movies, the mall? How do you spend your time?" Connor: "I hunt." Sunny: "Big surprise." Sunny opens another door, and after taking a careful peek, enters. Connor looks around the dark motel room as Sunny lights a couple of candles. Sunny: "Home, sweet home." Connor: "This is - this is home." Sunny: "Tonight it is. - You're welcome to crash here, too." Sunny pulls a bag of drugs out of Tyke's jacket and stuffs it in her pants pocket as Connor picks up a bra lying on a dresser. Sunny: "Hmm, I don't think it's your size. People squat here and they leave stuff. (Picks up a shirt and pants lying on the sofa) So, uhm, how do you feel about losing the whole - 'dead animal' thing?" Connor looks down at his clothes. Sunny walks over and tosses some clothes at him. Sunny: "I mean, not that I'm against eating a cheeseburger." Sunny turns back to the sofa table and pulls a beefstick out of a bag as Connor starts to strip behind her. Sunny: "We have all food groups. Meat (pulls out a bag of candy bars) and chocolate. So, you really were going to kill Tyke." Connor: "He was hurting you." Sunny: "Well, it's good you didn't." Connor: "Why?" Sunny, biting into a candybar, looks over her shoulder and sees that Connor is butt naked. Sunny turning away after a beat: "Ahem, because it's wrong?" Connor starts to pull on the jeans she gave him. Sunny: "I mean - I know Tyke's a b*st*rd, but the cops are even worse. (Taking another bite of the candy bar) God, I love these. Have you ever had one?" Connor, in the process of pulling on the shirt, shakes his head. Sunny: "Well, then get on down here, cowboy." Connor crouches down across from Sunny and takes a bite of her offered candy bar. Sunny: "Isn't it the best?" Looking through the stuff on the table, Sunny picks up an applesauce cup and opens it, then opens a bag of chips. Connor picks up a burnt looking spoon. Connor: "I know this. A tool for eating." Connor is about the start on the applesauce with it, but Sunny takes the spoon away from him. Sunny: "Ah, uhm, no. Uhm - that isn't for - food." Connor starts to eat straight out of the cup, wearing a small frown. Sunny holds up a packet of white powder. Sunny: "It's for this. I get it from Tyke. - It's - medicine." Connor: "You're sick?" Sunny: "No. It's - it's not that kind of medicine. - It helps me sometimes when I'm - sad." Connor: "You're sad?" After a beat Sunny shakes her head. Sunny: "No. Hm-mm." Offers him a bite of her moon pie. Connor takes a bite and smiles at her. Sunny smiles back at him. Fred, voice over: "Connor is new to this world, alone, probably scared." Gunn: "Yeah, he looked scared, kicking my ass." Fred: "You're right, we should have gone with Angel." Fred and Gunn walk into the Hyperion. Gunn: "Yeah, especially now that we know what Connor is capable - of..." Gunn trails off as he spots Cordy and Groo lying on the lobby floor, unconscious. Sunny: "Hmm, food, cash, a place to crash. I've had worse days. How about you? (Connor looks away, not answering) So, what's your deal? (Connor looks at her) Why did you come to LA?" Connor: "To find my father." Sunny: "Really? Heh. I came here to get away from mine. - Parents should have to take like a test or something, before they can have kids. And if they're - drunks, or idiots, or evil - they should be sterilized." Connor: "If they're evil they should be killed." Sunny considers that for a moment in silence then lets out a sigh. Sunny: "You don't say much but - I like what you say." Connor looks at Sunny and after a moment she leans in to kiss him. At first he pulls back, then leans closer and they kiss. After a moment Sunny pulls back with a smile. Sunny: "Ah, I - ah, I'll be right back." Wesley looks up from typing on his laptop and over at the book Lilah gave him, lying on the coffee table beside the computer. He picks it up and opens it to a woodcut of the devil eating Judas. Wes looks at it for a moment, then snaps the book shut. The camera pans down to show Connor asleep where Sunny left him leaning against the sofa. A fire engine honks, and Connor snaps awake, pulling out two daggers in the same motion. The sirens fade as Connor stands up and looks around. Connor: "Sunny?" There is no answer and Connor slowly makes his way across the room. He hears some wood creaking and spins to look behind him. Connor: "Sunny?" When there is no answer he continues on, and pushes open the door to the bathroom, revealing Sunny slumped against the side of the bathtub. There is a tourniquet around her upper arm and a syringe still sticking out of her forearm. Connor crouches down beside her, briefly touching her shoulder. Connor quietly: "Sunny?" He reaches down and picks up the packet of 'medicine' Sunny showed him earlier, then stands up. Connor turns around to find Angel standing in the door behind him. Angel: "Connor." Break [SCENE_BREAK] Angel sees Sunny slumped against the bathtub and grabs a hold on Connor's arm, pushing his sleeve up. Angel: "She didn't shoot any of this crap in you, did she?" Connor pulls free: "No." Angel holds up his hands in a placating gesture: "Okay. I'm sorry. I just... (Angel glances at Sunny) We'll take care of this, okay? Together." Connor shakes his head: "Too late. - Too late." Connor walks past Angel back into the main motel room. Angel: "Connor. - I'm sorry about... - Was she you're friend? Connor. Just talk to me." Angel trails after Connor and watches him pick up Tyke's jacket and sniff at it. Angel: "Well, you know, I figure you have to be feeling like you traded in one hell dimension for another right about now, but if you just let me... What are you doing? (Takes the jacket away from Connor) What is that?" Connor: "Give that back!" Angel sniffs the jacket. Angel: "Why? Who're you tracking?" Connor makes a grab for the jacket, but Angel stops him. A quick search of the pockets brings out another packet of drugs. Angel: "Right. I get it. You're going after they guy that gave her the junk." Connor: "His medicine killed her." Angel: "And you're going to do what about it?" Connor: "Punish." Angel: "You mean, kill." Connor makes another stab at the jacket, and again Angel stops him. Angel: "Slow down." Conner attacks Angel, but Angel takes a hold of him and pushes him up against the wall. Angel: "Listen to me!" Connor slams Angel up against the wall in turn. Connor: "No!" Angel sighs as Connor lets go of him and goes to retrieve the jacket. Angel takes a hold of his son, and again pushes him up against the wall. Angel: "You *will* listen." Connor hauls back and clocks Angel across the face. Angel pushes Connor's face into the wall. Angel: "I'm not gonna let you walk out that door and get into any more trouble. - Hear me?" Connor: "Fine." Angel lets go of him and takes a step back. After a moment Connor spins around and attacks Angel again, only to get tossed on the floor. Angel lets out a sigh: "I'm sorry. You just don't understand how this world works." Connor: "I understand. Sunny was nice. Now she's dead." Angel: "Connor..." Connor: "Stop calling me that! (Glares up at Angel) My name is Steven." Angel just looks at Connor. Cordy and Groo are sitting on the settee in the lobby. Cordy is holding an icepack to her head. Gunn: "And then what?" Cordy: "And then what nothing. Standing, talking, boom - knocked on our butts." Gunn: "You think something else came out of there?" Cordy: "Hello? Face down. Knocked out?" Fred: "I found a picture of that beast Connor killed. And uhm, it says that these things usually have a mate." Gunn takes a look at the book Fred hands him, then closes it as the rift above the Pentagram lets out another crackle. Cordy: "Where is Lorne? He should have been back with that expert hours ago." Gunn: "Well, he said it was complicated." Fred: "There is that other expert." Cordy: "You know someone else who can... - Oh. I don't think Angel's gonna go for that." Groo: "Yes. We must always consider Angel. Angel is our leader. We must obey his wishes." Cordy looks over at Groo. Fred: "So - We're just supposed to sit here with a fissure from a hell dimension in the middle of the lobby when we know someone who can help us?" Fred looks from a silent Cordy to and equally silent Gunn. Fred: "I don't think so. I'm calling him." Gunn: "Fred. No, you're not." Just then the door opens and Lorne, wearing a hat and trench coat walks in with a blue-haired lady, wrapped into a black cloak. Cordy: "Lorne!" Lorne: "Uh, sorry it took so long, kids. Mistress Meerna is a *very* difficult woman to find." Lorne looks around for his companion, who is no longer beside him. Cordy turns as we hear footsteps. It's Meerna coming walking down the stairs from the first floor. Lorne: "There, you see what I mean? It's been like that all day! One of the nasty side effects of specializing in dimensional magic. What I wouldn't do for a lasso and some crazy glue." Angel: "Steven." Connor pulls on Tyke's leather jacket, never taking his eyes off Angel. Angel: "Okay. - Steven. - It's a good name. - Not Irish, but... - Look - I know we haven't gotten off to a great start here, but if we can just - take a minute. - That'd be good. - Please, just..." Connor is glancing past Angel to the door. Angel: "Don't run away from me, alright? I lost you once already. - There's just - there's just so much I wanna know, so much I need to know. - Okay?" Connor just stands there. Angel: "You been okay? I mean - what was it like there? - Did you have any friends? - Okay, I mean, not friends. (Sighs) It's not like you were at summer camp. I mean, you were stuck in a - hell dimension. - Connor - I'm so sorry. I tried to get you back. I did. I tried to come after you. I would have done anything. I just... I just... I couldn't find a way in." Connor: "I found a way out." Angel: "Yeah. - You did. - You sure did. - I should've - I should've tried harder. I - I shouldn't 've quit. But you're back. And-and - and that's what's important, you know? You-you came back to me. I wanna know everything, son. I wanna know everything. Everything about you, you know, what your life's been like? You - must have a million questions." Connor: "No." Angel: "No?" Connor steps closer to Angel: "My father told me everything." Angel after a beat: "Your father. - Holtz isn't your father. He's..." Connor hits Angel across the face, hard. Connor: "You don't get to say that name! You don't even get to think it!" Angel straightens back up and just looks at Connor. Connor: "I know - everything. He told me all about you. That you're a - a *thing* that kills and drinks blood. You're a vampire." Angel: "What do you know about vampires?" Connor: "Decapitation, stake in the heart, daylight, fire - did I forget anything? - You have a second face. A face for killing. - Show it to me. I wanna see it." When Angel just stands there looking at him, Connor starts punching Angel in the chest. Connor: "Come on, show me! Show me the face you used to kill my father's family. Show me! Come on! Show me!" Connor aims his next punch at Angel's face, but Angel catches his fist and holds it still. Angel, quietly: "Looks like this, son." Angel morphs into his vamp face and Connor pulls his fist free and stumbles a couple of steps back. Connor: "That's what you are." Angel: "It's part of what I am. (Morphs back into his human face) A part I hope you will be able to accept one day." Connor: "You'd have to kill me first." Tyke: "Well, that's a plan." Angel turns around to see Tyke follow by a couple of his goons entering the motel room. Tyke pulls out a gun. Tyke: "But I've got a better one." Break Tyke: "Chamois man." Connor tries to get to Tyke, but Angel holds him back. Angel: "No, no, no. Don't." Tyke, touching the bandage on the left side of his head: "Where's Sunny?" Angel: "Would that be the dead girl in the bathroom?" Tyke motions for one of his guys to check the bathroom. Tyke to Angel: "Who are you?" Angel: "I'm his father." Connor: "No, you're not." Angel: "Let me handle this? (To Tyke) Let's find a way to work this out. Talk through it. (To Connor) Which is a thing we do here. (To Tyke) There's no need for violence." Tyke slugs Angel across the chin with the butt of his gun. Tyke: "I'm sorry. Did you say 'no need for violence?' You may wanna speak up, you see (points at his bandaged ear and screams) I don't hear so good any more!" Goon comes back: "Sunny's dead in the can. O.D." Tyke to Angel: "You know, I begged her to get help. Oh, well. One down, one to go." Angel: "We can make this right." Tyke: "You can give me a new ear?" Angel: "Well - maybe you can wear a hat." Tyke: "Maybe I can blow your head off. (To Connor) That's my coat and I want it back. And whatever's not in Sunny's body better be in those pockets." Angel: "Son, give him the coat." Connor to Tyke: "You killed her." Tyke nods, but before he can say anything a third goon enters. Goon: "Tyke, cops, man, they're looking for you. They're everywhere." Tyke looks at Angel, how raises his eyebrows at him. Everyone is watching Meerna as she kneels on the floor of the Hyperion's lobby, examining the area above the pentagram Meerna: "I hope this pentagram wasn't some dark attempt to close the fissure." Gunn: "Ah, no, that was a dark attempt to open one. (Meerna turns to glance at Gunn) Different one. - Long story." Fred: "So, you think you can close it, then?" Meerna: "Oh, I'm sure. That's not the worry." Fred: "You have worry?" Meerna: "How did it open in the first place? There are no portals to Quor-toth, and for good reason. It's not a place anyone should ever go." Fred: "I... If there aren't any portal's, what is it?" Meerna: "A tear in reality. Big cosmic no-no." Fred steps back and Meerna goes back to feeling the air in front of her. Meerna: "Something punched its way through. Something I really don't wanna meet." Cordy lets out a shriek startling Gunn and Groo, as Meerna suddenly says "Excuse me" and walks out from behind them. Meerna: "Sorry." Lorne walks up to her, carrying a metal bowl. Lorne: "Here you go. Just the way you asked." Meerna pulls out a pair of safety glasses and puts them on. Lorne: "Should we leave, or get behind something?" Meerna: "Nah. It's pretty routine. (Flips up the hood of her cape) Just sometimes I get a little 'schmutz' in my eye." Meerna takes the bowl from Lorne with a sigh and moving one hand above it in a circular motion begins to chant quietly. Meerna: "Forras. A ka ul do. In tempor lyta." She takes some of the powder-like contents of the bowl and tosses them into the air. A purple, glowing mist forms. The rift crackles, then everything gets sucked to a center point and disappears from view. Meerna puts down her hood and takes off the glasses while turning to the others. Meerna: "It's closed." Cordy: "Can you tell if anything else came through it?" Meerna hands the bowl back to Lorne. Meerna: "Not sure. And I'm not sticking around to find out. Bye." With that she walks away. Police with flashlights are moving around the outside of the motel. One of the cops is talking to another squatter. Tyke is aiming his gun at Angel. Angel to Tyke: "Dead body in the river. Another one in the bathroom. This just doesn't bode well for you, does it? (Angel turns to look at Connor) Well, you see, son, violence just always ends up bad..." With that Angel starts to attack the Tyke and the goons, with Connor quickly joining in. Connor: "Hey!" Connor hits Tyke on his bandaged ear and he falls to his knees with a suppressed scream. Police, carrying guns with flashlights mounted to them are closing in on Sunny's motel room. Angel, dropping the last of the goons turns to his son. Angel: "Connor, we got to get out..." The trails off as he sees that Tyke is holding Connor like a shield in front of him. Tyke: "*I* got to get out of here." Angel: "Don't. Use me. I'm bigger. I'll make a better shield." While Tyke hesitates, the cops start to punch at the door. Tyke spins to shoot. Angel grabs a hold of Connor and pulls him down on the floor with him as bullets begin to fly. One of the goons is shot and falls, but Tyke and the remaining goons keep shooting. Angel looks up at the light shining in through the many holes riddling the walls by now. Another goon is hit and goes down. A stray bullet shatters the glass in the window opposite the door. Angel to Connor: "Out that window! Go! Out the window!" Connor gets up and runs towards the window. Angel: "Stay down! Stay down!" The door is kicked open and a cop comes in, spinning to aim his shotgun at Connor's back. Angel jumps up and takes the bullet full in the back. The cop loads the next bullet into the chamber but has to take cover as Tyke starts to shoot at him. Connor, crouched on the window sill, stares at Angel lying on the floor. Angel raises his head and looks at Connor. Angel: "Go!" Angel pushes himself up and launches himself at Connor, sending both of them tumbling out through the window, while the firefight continues behind them. Angel is running hunched around his middle down a deserted street, Connor following close behind. Connor: "Do you need to stop?" Angel: "I'm okay." A police car with lights and sirens going turns into their street and Angel pulls Connor between two parked cars. Angel: "Behind here." The police car passes and Angel lets out a groan as he tries to straighten up. Angel: "Maybe I do need a second." Angel leans on the hood of the parked van. Connor: "What you did..." Angel: "Are you hurt?" Connor shakes his head. Angel: "You know, if you want, you can come back to the hotel." Connor stares at Angel for a moment then his eyes look every where but at Angel. Angel: "No pressure or anything." Connor starts to move past Angel. Connor: "No, uh..." Angel: "But if you, you know, if you need a place to stay." Connor turns to look back at Angel: "I have to go." Angel: "You're not alone. - You know that, right?" Connor: "Yeah. I know." With that Connor turns and runs off, leaving Angel standing by the van, looking after him. After a long beat Angel slowly, carefully moves off. Connor is running down a narrow alleyway. He slows and straightens as he comes up to a dark opening. After a moment a figure steps out of the darkness. Holtz: "Hello, son." Connor: "Hi, dad." BLACK OUT.
Plan: A: Angel; Q: Who is stunned as Connor falls through the portal? A: the hell dimension; Q: Where did Connor fall through the portal from? A: a teenager; Q: What age is Connor now? A: Holtz; Q: Who made Connor hate Angel? A: Connor,; Q: Who is Angel's son? A: Lilah; Q: Who shows up at Wesley's apartment with an interesting proposition? Summary: Angel is stunned as Connor falls through the portal from the hell dimension. His son is now a teenager and, thanks to Holtz, he hates Angel. While Angel tries to get through to Connor, Lilah shows up at Wesley's apartment with an interesting proposition...
[Scene: On the road in Piper's car. Piper, Phoebe and Cole are in it. Cole is driving, Piper's in the passenger seat, and Phoebe's in the backseat. The car screeches around the corner.] Piper: Okay, turn left up here. And can you step on the gas a little? (Cole screeches around the corner, nearly hitting a taxi. Phoebe lets out a yelp, and the taxi driver honks his horn. Phoebe: Off the gas! Off the gas! (She pats him on the shoulder.) Cole: Does somebody else want to drive here? Piper: Phoebe, the demon is not waiting around for us to come and vanquish him. Phoebe: We don't even know if we have enough power to vanquish him. Scrying for random evil tells us nothing. Piper: It tells us where the demons are and since we vanquished two already this week, I say it's working pretty well. Phoebe: Yeah, thanks to Cole for saving our butts. Two witches and half a demon is not the Power of Three make. Piper: So what are we supposed to do? Sit around and wait for them to pick us all off? If we weren't going after them, they'd be coming after us. Cole: They're coming after you anyway, Piper. The Source is coming after you. Phoebe: And we won't be ready for him because instead of teaching Paige how to be a witch, we're out hunting for every Tom, Dick and Beelzebub in San Francisco. Cole: Speaking of, do we have any kind of plan here or Piper: The plan is to vanquish the demon. Cole: Great. Any chance you've mastered your powers or are you still freezing and exploding at random? (Phoebe hits him lightly on the shoulder.) Piper: Random, but you know what they say, there's nothing like field practice. Turn here! (Cole screeches around another corner and drives down an alley.) Stop! (Cole slams on the breaks. A bald demon is in the middle of strangling a man. Piper, Phoebe and Cole get out of the car.) Hey! Big scary demon! (The demon turns around and the man escapes from his grip and runs away. The demon's eyes glow bright red. Piper uses her power and the demon bloats up. His face turns red.) Cole: He's gonna blow! (Phoebe and Cole quickly jump back in the car and shuts the doors. The demon explodes and green goo splats on the front of the car. Cole turns on the windscreen wipers. Piper walks over to the car and opens the passenger door.) Piper: Next! (Piper grins and gets in the car. Phoebe and Cole look at each other, then at Piper, who is still grinning.) Opening Credits [Scene: South Bay Social Services. Paige is at her desk reading a Witches and Witchcraft book.] Paige: (in her head) Throughout history, witches have been misunderstood, persecuted and destroyed. The public hanging, drowning, and burning of women suspected of witchcraft is a far more recent chapter of our history then most people realise. Mr. Cowan: Paige. (Paige quickly puts down the book and picks up a folder.) Paige: Yeah? Mr. Cowan: What's the hold up on the O'Brien application? Paige: Well, at the moment, the only hold up is my boss, who's standing over me distracting me from my work. (She smiles awkwardly.) Mr. Cowan: Nice teeth. Have it on my desk by noon. (He walks away. Paige whispers to an employee standing across the room.) Paige: Lila! What's the O'Brien application? Lila: Adam O'Brien, the foster kid we're trying to get into the boarding school. Paige: Oh my god. Lila: The scholarship application is due, like, today. Paige: I am so lame. (Billy, a young guy with bad acne, pushes the mail cart in front of Paige's desk. He puts her mail on her desk.) Aw, Billy, I thought I told you to throw anything from creditors in the trash. (He smiles. A man (Donnie) approaches him.) Donnie: Hi, Pizza-face. Look, I understand how difficult it is to tear yourself away from the cleavage in this section. (Looks at Paige.) But I'm gonna need my mail sometime today. Okay? Billy: No problem. Donnie: Go, go. (Billy walks away. Donnie gives Paige a sleazy look and walks across the room.) Paige: Nice rug. (Donnie's toupee orbs off his head and into Paige's hand, revealing his bald spot.) Donnie: What the hell? (Donnie looks around. Paige is shocked and drops the toupee in a trash can. Employees laugh and giggle at Donnie. He covers his head with a sheet of paper and walks away. Paige quickly leaves her desk.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe and Cole are there. Piper crosses out a page in the Book of Shadows while Phoebe looks on.] Phoebe: Oh, I know that you're happy that we got him Piper, but is it entirely necessary to disfigure the book? Piper: Hmm, this one could incinerate human flesh with his eyes. That must sting. Cole: You think that's funny? You could have gotten yourself killed. Do you understand that? (He walks over to Piper.) Piper: Yes, Cole, I understand killed very well. Cole: Then why would you want to keep risking your life and Phoebe's, not to mention mine? There's a legion of Bounty Hunters on my ass. I'm supposed to be laying low but instead, I'm out protecting you guys. Piper: You know what, Cole? Next time, you can stay home. Cole: If you insist on taking these suicide missions, you force me to be there because (the doorbell rings) there's no way in hell I'm about to let Phoebe lose another sister. (Phoebe goes over to him and touches his shoulder.) Phoebe: Why don't you go see who's at the door for us, okay? Cole: Sure. If it's the Source, I'll just ask him to come back later. (to Phoebe) We need to talk. (He leaves the attic.) Phoebe: Piper, Cole's right. We have a system for fighting demons and it's worked pretty well for the last three years. Piper: I think, uh, Prue being killed counts as a pretty big glitch in the system. Phoebe: I know that you're angry. I am angry too. Piper: Then w-why are you fighting me on this? What-what's the problem with getting a little proactive? Phoebe: Because we're not ready to get proactive. That's what's wrong with it. We're barely ready for anything right now. I mean, just dealing with our everyday normal lives is hard enough. Piper: That is precisely the point. The faster we get rid of these demons, the faster we can get back to our everyday normal lives or at least what is left of them. (The attic door opens and Paige walks in.) Paige: Knock knock. I uh I'm sorry to just drop by without calling. Phoebe: Uh, it's okay. Don't worry about it. Paige: I don't know exactly why I'm here. I'm just kind of having a hard time being surrounded by people and Phoebe: And not being able to tell them that you can move things with your mind? Paige: It does not exactly roll off the tongue. (Piper picks up a map and a crystal.) Phoebe: Yeah, well being a witch is tough on friendships. That's why the whole sister thing comes in so handy. (to Piper) What are you doing? Piper: Um, it's a little chatty up here, so I'm going to go scry for evil in my room. Paige: Scry? (Piper heads for the door.) Piper: Yeah, uh, Phoebe will explain. I'll see you later. (She leaves the attic.) Phoebe: It's kind of like a, um, supernatural lojack. Paige: Well, why don't you use that big book? I mean, it is a book of spells, right? (Paige walks over to the Book.) Phoebe: Oh, it's a lot more than that. It's kind of hard to explain. Paige: It looks so old. Phoebe: Yeah. It has survived a lot. Fortunately, it protects itself from evil. Paige: It protects itself. How? Phoebe: Magic. Paige: May I? Phoebe: Yeah. I mean technically, it's yours too. I would walk you through it right now, but I have to go talk to Cole. Paige: Well, maybe I can just take it back to my office. Phoebe: Oh, no, no, no, no. It doesn't leave the house. But just feel free to thumb through it and then I'll be back in a few minutes. (Phoebe leaves the attic. Paige flips through the Book and stops at an Instant Karma Spell.) Paige: This could solve a lot of problems. (She gets out some Post-its and a pen and starts writing down the spell.) [Cut to the conservatory. Phoebe and Cole are waiting there. Leo orbs in.] Leo: What? What is it? What's wrong? Cole: You've got to talk to your wife. Phoebe: Okay, Cole, remember what I said about being gentle? Leo: What about my wife? Cole: She's out of control. Phoebe: Cole! Leo: What? Phoebe: It's just, we're very worried about her. Leo: What happened? Phoebe: She's very, very angry. Leo: Well, of course she's angry. She's grieving. Phoebe: Right, and if she were punching walls, I would happily call a repairman, but Cole: The problem is she prefers to punch demons. Leo: Well, I'll talk to her. (Cole moves closer to Leo.) Cole: She has no regard for her life or anyone else's. She's Charles Bronson cubed. Leo: I said I'd talk to her. (Phoebe stands in between the two.) Phoebe: Guys, guys. Who is Charles Bronson? (Leo and Cole give her a look.) Never mind. (to Cole) We - can we please just have a minute alone? Cole: Sure. Phoebe: Thank you. (Cole leaves the room and Phoebe and Cole walk in the living room.) Uh, it's not just that she's violent, Leo. She's acting nothing like herself. She's completely dismissive of Paige and I don't know what to do anymore. (They sit on the couch.) Leo: Strange isn't it? Now on top of everything else, you have to play the middle sister when you've always been the, uh Phoebe: Screw up? (Leo laughs.) Leo: The youngest. Phoebe: Yeah. I look at Paige and Piper and it makes me think back to all those times that Piper had to play mediator between me and Prue. Leo: Not a lot of fun, huh? Phoebe: It's not a job I would have asked for. And I'm not sure it's a job I'm going to be any good at, but I just, I don't have time to really worry about it right now. Leo: I'll talk to her. Phoebe: Thanks Leo. (They hug.) And not to worse this tender moment, but she's already started scrying. (Leo orbs out and Phoebe falls head first on the couch.) I didn't mean you couldn't use the stairs! [Cut back to the attic. Paige has Post-its stuck over the Book Of Shadows. She runs out of Post-its and looks around. She gets an idea, closes the Book and carries it to the window.] Paige: Okay, book, protect yourself. (Paige opens the window and drops the Book of Shadows out. It lands on the grass.) Phoebe: (from downstairs) Paige! I'll be right up! (She heads for the door.) [Cut to the stairs. Phoebe's nearly to the top and Paige comes around the corner nearly bumping into Phoebe.] Phoebe: Whoa! (She giggles.) Where's the fire? (They walk downstairs.) Paige: Uh, you know, work. Lunch break's over. Gotta go. Phoebe: Well, we didn't even get to talk. Paige: Uh, yeah, it's alright. Don't worry. Phoebe: Will you come by later? Paige: Sure. Yeah. Absolutely. Bye. (She waves and leaves.) Phoebe: Bye. (Phoebe looks suspiciously up the stairs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Piper's room. Piper and Leo are there. Piper is scrying.] Leo: Look, honey, it isn't just that it's dangerous. Piper: Leo, Whitelighters are supposed to guide. Not judge. Just because I'm doing things a little bit differently doesn't mean that there is a problem. (She drops the crystal.) Leo: Piper, I'm your husband, not just you're Whitelighter. When you speak to me like that, there is a problem. I can't help you unless you talk to me. Piper: It hurts to talk, Leo. It hurts to breathe. So unless you have some idea of how to bring Prue back, I don't want to talk right now. Leo: Is that what you don't want to say? Is that you still blame me for not being able to bring her back? Piper: No, Leo. I don't blame you. I blame evil. Why-why do you think I'm doing all this? For kicks? Leo: Honestly, I think you're doing it because it's easier than confronting what you're really feeling. (Piper starts scrying again and the crystal points to a place on the map.) Piper: Demon. Leo: What? Piper: I have work to do. (She walks out of her room.) Cole, Phoebe! Let's go! [Scene: South Bay Social Services. Paige is in the copy room trying to copy the Book of Shadows. Donnie walks in, checks out Paige's butt and fixes his toupee.] Donnie: Nothing like a copy room with a view. (He pours himself some coffee. Paige straightens up. Billy walks in.) Hey Clearasil, what's popping? (Donnie laughs and leaves the room.) Paige: Don't worry about him, Billy. He's a jerk to everybody. Billy: Yeah, I know. That's why his mail gets lost frequently. (Paige smiles.) Paige: Hey, is there something wrong with this copier? Billy: The copier? I don't think so. I just ran off a whole bunch. Paige: Everything keeps coming up blank. Billy: Are you trying to copy a book? (She pushes the lid of the copier down trying to hide it.) Paige: Nah, it's nothing. It's cool. Billy: Well, if you need me to do it for you, just say the word. Paige: Thanks. You're sweet. (He smiles shyly and pours some coffee. Paige turns over the Book of Shadows and reads a Vanishing Spell.) "Let the object of objection become but a dream, as I cause the seen to be unseen." (Billy groans and magical light surrounds his face.) You okay, Billy? Billy: Yeah. I just, uh, got a little head rush. (He turns around to face Paige and she sees that his acne has cleared up.) Paige: Oh my God, it worked. (She closes the Book.) Oh my god. (She picks up the Book and goes over to Billy.) Billy: Paige, is, uh, everything okay? Paige: It will be from now on. (She kisses him on the cheek and leaves. Billy smiles.) [Scene: Alley. Piper, Phoebe and Cole are walking down it.] Phoebe: Piper, Cole and I do not support you in this. If you insist on doing it, you are going in alone. Piper: Okay. I'll see you at home. Phoebe: (to Cole) I told you that wouldn't work. Cole: It was worth a shot. Phoebe: Wait a minute. Do you smell smoke? (They stop walking.) Piper: It's in there. (Piper points to a large wooden door. There is smoke rising out from under it.) Man: (from inside) What is that? What is it? Stop! Stop! (Cole walks over to the door.) Who is th- What are you? Piper: Get back, I'll blow it up. Go on. (Cole backs away from the door and Piper freezes Cole and the smoke.) Phoebe: Uh, Piper Piper: Yeah, yeah. Crap. Okay. (Piper takes off her coat and throws it on the ground. She wiggles her arms to relax herself then uses her power. The door blows up, sending Cole flying across the alley, landing on a car and falling off on the ground.) Phoebe: Piper! (She runs over to Cole.) Piper: What? Oh! (A man runs outside, knocking Piper over. Three furies follow. Phoebe helps Cole up. Piper gets ready to use her power.) Cole: Piper, let them go! (Piper blows up a car in front of the furies. They turn around.) Piper: Uh-oh. (Piper tries to freeze them but only freezes Cole.) They're-they're-th-th-they're immune to my powers. Phoebe: Unfortunately, Cole isn't. (A fury attacks Piper but she dodges their hits. Another goes for Phoebe. Piper picks up a trash can lid and the fury puts a hole in it. Phoebe levitates up and kicks the furies, knocking them to the ground.) Piper, unfreeze him. Piper: What if I blow him up? (Cole unfreezes. A fury knocks down Piper and blows smoke in her mouth. She coughs.) Phoebe: Cole! (Cole throws an energy ball at a fury and she is engulfed in flames. The other two furies disappear. Piper continues to cough.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Piper, Phoebe and Cole enter the house.] Piper: I'm gonna take out those chain smokin' bitches if it's the last thing I do. Cole: It might be the last thing you do. Piper: That's very supportive, Cole. Who's side are you on? Cole: At the moment, I'm on Phoebe's side. (Piper coughs. Phoebe and Cole follow her into the kitchen.) Piper: Well, the last time I checked, Phoebe was still my sister. Which technically puts her on my side. Why are we arguing? Phoebe: We're not arguing, we're discussing, Piper. You are arguing. And look, you're already hurt. Piper: I'm fine. (Piper takes a water bottle out of the fridge and has a sip.) Phoebe: You can't stop coughing. Cole: And your control of your powers seems to be getting worse, not better. (They walk out of the kitchen.) Phoebe: Oh, well, our powers are tied to our emotions, so it would make sense that they would be a little off right now. Cole: All the more reason to lay low. These demons are dangerous. Piper: All the more reason to vanquish them, okay? That is what we do - eliminate evil. (They stop at the bottom of the stairs.) Cole: Regardless of the consequence, you sound like Prue. Piper: Okay, Cole. I'm going to vanquish the cancer girls with or without your help. So either tell me what you know or get out of the way. (Cole looks at Phoebe. She shrugs her shoulders.) Cole: They're called furies. Piper: Like from mythology? Phoebe: The dog-faced women from hell? Cole: They're modern knockoffs. Their MO is the same though. Piper: They punish evil doers. Cole: Exactly. Phoebe: Wait. Wouldn't that make them good? Cole: Well, these furies have no temptress. They'll go after a shoplifter as soon as a murderer and they take great pleasure in the kill. Piper: Great. Then we'll take great pleasure in the vanquish. (Piper goes up the stairs Phoebe stands in front of Cole.) Phoebe: What aren't you telling us? (Cole sighs.) So they go after evil doers. Have they attacked you before? Cole: When they focus their thoughts on you, they force you to hear the cries of all your former victims. (Phoebe touches his face.) Phoebe: You're not the demon who did those things anymore. (Piper screams from upstairs. Phoebe and Cole go up the stairs.) [Cut to attic. Piper is standing in front of the empty Book of Shadows stand, mouth open in shock.] Piper: Evil got the Book of Shadows. How did evil get the Book of Shadows? Phoebe: Oh no. Piper: Oh no, Phoebe? A demon has the Book of Shadows. Oh no doesn't quite cover it. Cole: Let me go see what I can find out. (He turns to leave but Phoebe stops him.) Phoebe: No, wait. Uh, Piper, promise me you're not going to overreact. Piper: Is that even possible? Phoebe: I think that, uh, maybe well, it-it might-might be feasible that uh, Paige borrowed the book. Piper: Wait, why-why would you think that? Phoebe: See? Now this is what I meant about overreacting. It's just that Cole: You let Paige take the Book of Shadows out of the Manor? Phoebe: Well, no, I did not let her. It's just she left pretty quick, and she looks like she might have (She looks at the open window.) Piper: Out of the window? Phoebe: Piper, I don't Piper: Phoebe, why would you even leave her alone with it? Phoebe: Well, because she's our sister. (Piper laughs.) Piper: Not for long! (Piper storms out of the attic. Phoebe follows. Cole pulls up a chair and sits down. Phoebe runs back in.) Phoebe: Are you coming? Cole: To vanquish your sister? I think I'll sit this one out. (Phoebe runs back out and Cole sits there twiddling his thumbs.) [Scene: South Bay Social Services. Lila is looking at Billy's face.] Lila: It's unbelievable. Billy: Maybe it was the light from the copy machine. (They start to walk through the office. Billy is pushing the mail cart.) Lila: God, this day is amazing. I mean, you went and got cute Billy: You think? Lila: Totally. And then my car loan comes through like out of nowhere. (They pass Paige's desk. Paige is on the phone and she smiles.) My credit is worse than Paige's. You know, I still can't believe all of this. Billy: It's amazing. (Billy and Lila walk away.) Paige: (on phone) Sir, I am taking full responsibility for being late with the application. I'm simply asking for a deadline extension. Man: (on phone) Well, I can't give you a deadline extension. Paige: Well I'm asking that you not punish Adam O'Brien who's already had a tough enough life for my mistake. (listens) Sir, all I'm saying is (She looks down at the Book of Shadows which is sitting on her lap.) "These words will travel through the minds of stubborn parties and unbind, the thoughts too ridged to be kind, a compromise they'll disentwine." Man: (on phone) How does six o'clock on Friday sound? Paige: Six o'clock Friday is perfect. Thank you so much. (She hangs up.) Victory! (Lila and Billy look over at her.) Lila: You got the extension? Paige: Yeah. (Lila walks over to Paige.) Lila: Unbelievable. You're into all that witchy stuff, right? Paige: Excuse me? Lila: Well, I'm just thinking there must be something in the stars today. I mean, Billy's face, my car, now this. Is there a full moon or something? Paige: I don't know, but whatever it is, I'm going to call my student loan sharks and take full advantage of it. Lila: Ooh, good. Me too. (Paige laughs. Lila walks away. Donnie comes up to her and stands behind her.) Donnie: You know, Paige? (He talks in her ear.) As a lawyer, I can get those nasty creditors off your back so easily. And if you can't afford to pay me, we could always just take it out in trade. Paige: Or I could just sue your ass for sexual harassment and pay you with my big fat punitive settlement. Donnie: The way you dress, the judge would admire my restraint. (He walks away.) Paige: That's it. (She finds the Instant Karma Spell in the Book of Shadows.) Perfect. I'll just change demon to dirtbag. [Cut to outside SBSS. Piper and Phoebe get out of the car and walk towards the building.] Piper: I don't understand how someone can be that stupid. Phoebe: I don't understand why you haven't stopped ranting since we left the house. Piper: You're right. You're right. I'm sorry. Phoebe: Yes, Paige made a mistake. Piper: A mistake? She stole from us. Phoebe: She borrowed. Borrowed. Piper: She-she threw our family heritage out of the window! Phoebe: Well, that's because we never took the time to explain its significance. It was just a book to her. Piper: Okay, Phoebe, it is not just a book. It's like, it-it-it is like a part of our family. (Piper coughs. Phoebe puts her arm around Piper.) Phoebe: Paige is not a killer. She didn't kill anyone. And she's not a demon that we're on our way to vanquish. Piper: I get that Phoebe. Phoebe: Do you? Because I don't think that you do. (Piper coughs.) You alright? (Donnie runs out of the building with a bunch of women following him.) Donnie: Hey! Hey! Get away from me! (They surround him.) Piper: What the hell is going on? Lila: Come on. Give Mama some sugar. (He sinks to the ground and they fall all over him. Paige comes out of the building holding her bag so it covers her chest. She goes over to Piper and Phoebe.) Piper: You are so (They notice something wrong and opens her coat to reveal her very large breasts.) Busted? Phoebe: Hello! Piper: You stole our sacred book so you could perform magical plastic surgery on yourself? Paige: You think I did this on purpose? My body was perfectly fine just as it was. Thank you. Donnie: I mean it! Get away from me! (Piper freezes the crowd.) Phoebe: Piper, you could have just blown up a dozen innocent people. Piper: I took a chance. Phoebe: See? Are you listening to yourself? Piper: (to Paige) What happened? Paige: I don't know. They just grew. Piper: Oh, right. And you had nothing to do with that. Phoebe: Did you cast any spells? Paige: One. (Phoebe gives her a look.) Five. Piper: Five? Phoebe: Okay, what did you do just before you turned into Betty Boop? Paige: Well, I cast a spell on this slimeball I work with so I could give him a taste of his own medicine. Phoebe: Uh-huh. That the slimeball? (Paige looks at Donnie and nods.) Piper: And that's the backfire. Paige: Backfire? Phoebe: You misused magic to make him the object of ogling, and the spell backfired and did the same thing to you. Piper: Which you would have learned if you had bothered to ask. But now instead of vanquishing demons, we're gonna have to spend the afternoon fixing your mess. Phoebe: Okay, Piper, call Leo and get him to orb this slimeball back home. And we have to protect him until we can figure out a way to reverse the spell. Paige and I will grab the book and meet you there. (Piper looks at Paige and shakes her head. She walks away. Paige looks down at her breasts.) [Time lapse. Phoebe and Paige are driving along the road in Paige's car. Paige is driving and Phoebe's sitting in the passenger seat looking through the Book of Shadows.] Paige: Are my boobs gonna stay this way forever? Phoebe: Not if I can ever find the spell. Paige: What about Piper? Is she gonna stay mad at me forever? Phoebe: No. It's just, um she hasn't really been herself lately. You know, a lot of ups and downs since Prue, you know, like us all. Paige: The last thing I wanted to do was add to you guys stress. I just wanted to get back at Donnie. Phoebe: Yeah, and I understand the temptation, Paige, I really do. But I told you the book does not leave the house. Paige: Right. Sorry. (She tries to change into third gear but has a little trouble.) My boobs are in the way. Can you put it into third for me? Phoebe: Alright. Ready? Here we go. (Phoebe moves the gearstick into third. The tyres screech.) Alright. Paige: Did you find the spell yet? (Phoebe finds a page about furies.) Phoebe: No, but I found the demons. Oh my God. Paige: What? You can't say demons followed by 'oh my god'. I'm new at this, I'm likely to panic. Phoebe: Okay, uh, fury smoke kills bad guys, right? But in good people, it looks for a portal of unexpressed fury. Paige: And? Phoebe: It builds until it consumes your humanity and it turns you into a fury. Um, we fought the furies today. Piper got smoked. Paige: Wait. Are you saying that Piper's turning into a demon? Phoebe: It wouldn't be the first time. (Paige gives her a funny look.) Uh, step on it and hit the clutch. I'm going into fourth. Ready? On three. One, two, three. (She changes to fourth.) [Cut to the manor. Donnie lands on the couch.] Leo: Easy, Piper. Piper: What, are you protecting him now? Donnie: Wh-wh-what the hell is going on? And what's with the chicks? They've gone crazy. Piper: This chick just saved your ass you snivelling ingrate. (Donnie gets up.) Donnie: Do you see what I mean? Piper: Who said you could get up? (She pushes him over the back of the couch.) Leo: What's the matter with you? Okay, honey look, I don't know what's going on, but we really need to talk. Piper: Leo, you know what? I'm sick of talking. (Piper tries to blow Leo up but Leo orbs out in time. Piper goes over to Donnie. Leo orbs back in.) Leo: Now we really need to talk. Piper, you do not use your powers on a mortal. (He stands behind her.) Do you hear me? (Cole stands at the doorway.) Cole: Back away slowly, Leo. Leo: What? Cole: She's becoming a fury. (Piper grows large black fingernails.) There's no reasoning with her now. (Leo stands in front of her.) Leo: Piper, you're a good witch. Do you hear me? Fight this. (Piper touches his face, then pushes him over the couch.) Donnie: Oh God! Help! (Piper goes over and scratches Donnie. Cole gets an energy ball ready. Piper picks up Donnie and blows smoke. Cole throws an energy ball at Piper which pushes her back. Phoebe and Paige walk in.) Phoebe: Cole! Cole: I, well Piper: That wasn't very nice. (She disappears.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Phoebe is looking through the Book of Shadows, and Leo is kneeling beside Donnie, who is asleep on the couch.] Leo: Cole hit her with an energy ball. Phoebe: Leo, it was a low voltage. Would you prefer he'd let her kill an innocent? Leo: I'd prefer that he wouldn't use his demonic powers on my wife. I can't believe that you let him go look for her. Paige: Oh, this all my fault. I shouldn't have stolen the Book of Shadows. Leo: You stole the Book of Shadows? Phoebe: Leo, Leo. Concentrate please. (Leo heals Donnie's scratches.) I just hope he finds her fast because if this is anything like the time I turned into a Banshee, she's gonna be hungry for a kill. (Leo stands up.) Paige: I'm sorry. A Banshee? Phoebe: Yeah. Demonic screamer, kinda trampy, feeds on pain. Paige: I think I need to sit down. (She sits on the couch next to Donnie. Donnie wakes up and sits up and stares straight at Paige's breasts.) Donnie: Whoa. (Paige punches him in the face, knocking him out.) Leo: Paige! (Paige stands up.) Paige: What? You only said I couldn't use magic to punish him. (Phoebe stands up.) Phoebe: Okay, Leo, you orb Donnie back to his office, heal him there, then make sure he doesn't nark us out for being witches. Leo: How? Phoebe: I don't know. Be creative. Leo: What about Piper? Phoebe: You have to do your job. And let us do ours. We'll get your wife back. I promise. (Leo touches Donnie and they orb out. Phoebe and Paige sit on the couch.) Paige: Um, I hate to ask, but how are we going to get his wife back? I mean, she's kind of a full on demon. Phoebe: No. She's not full on. She doesn't have the talons yet. That probably comes with the first kill. Besides, if we were able to save her when she turned into a Wendigo Paige: A Wendi-what? Phoebe: Um, a Wendigo. It's kind of like a werewolf, only meaner. (She finds the Instant Karma Spell in the Book of Shadows.) Is this the spell that you used? Paige: Uh-huh. (Phoebe picks up a notepad and pen.) Is there some sort of spell I could do, you know, in advance so I could, uh, not become maybe a Banshee or Phoebe: What word did you sub demon with? Paige: Dirtbag. Phoebe: Dirtbag. (She writes something down and scrunches up the paper up. She stands up.) Okay. (She gets Paige to stand up.) Hand. (They join hands. Phoebe burns the tip of the paper with a lit candle.) "Guided spirits, hear our plea, annul this magic, let it be." Paige: Please let it be. (Paige's breasts return to normal size. She looks down and groans.) Do you think it worked a little too well? [Scene: Alley. A man pushes another man against the wall. He holds a knife to his throat.] Innocenet man: Anything you want. Man: Shut up. (Two furies come up behind him and one scratches his back. He spins around and the innocent runs away. The man hears voices in his head. He drops the knife and falls to his knees. The fury blows smoke in his mouth. He coughs and is engulfed in flames. He disappears. Piper appears in a puff of smoke behind them. They turn around and make purring-like noises.) Piper: I've been looking for you. [Cut to the manor. Dining room. Paige and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is scrying.] Phoebe: Damn it. Paige: Why isn't it working? Phoebe: Because Piper isn't a witch anymore. Paige: Can't you just scry for evil then? Phoebe: Do you have any idea how much evil is running around San Francisco? (She stops scrying.) Damn it, Piper. (Cole shimmers in. He is bruised and scratched.) Cole. Thank God. (Phoebe hugs him.) Cole: Don't thank me yet. Paige: You didn't find her? Cole: I didn't get a chance to look. Every time I used my sensing powers, a bounty hunter sensed me. I fought off three of them. (He sits down at the table.) I'm sorry. Phoebe: No, it's-it's okay. I mean, somehow everything's gonna be okay. I-I don't have even a little idea of how everything's gonna be okay. Paige: Phoebe... Phoebe: You know why? Because nothing is okay. Paige: Phoebe. Phoebe: My sister is a fury, my boyfriend is a demon... Oh baby, you're bleeding. (She kneels down next to Cole.) Paige: Phoebe. (Phoebe looks at her.) Didn't you say you found me because Piper cast a spell to find a lost witch? Phoebe: Yes, but I also said that Piper's not a witch anymore. Paige: Yes, but if I can substitute the word 'dirtbag' for 'demon', why can't we substitute the word 'sister' for 'witch'? Cole: Will that work? Phoebe: Well, n-no. Not if she's already looking for a kill. The call won't be strong enough. Paige: Why not? Phoebe: Because of the pull of evil. When I was possessed by the Woogie, the blood lust was so strong Cole: Woogie? Paige: Don't ask. Phoebe: The point is I don't think she'll answer the call. (Silence.) Paige: Then we'll add bait. (Paige glances at Cole, then looks at Phoebe. Phoebe looks at Cole and he looks back.) Phoebe: No. No. Uh, no. Are you kidding me? No. Paige: The furies go after evil doers, right? Phoebe: Paige, we are not using the love of my life as bait. Cole: Oh, yes we are. It's perfect. (He stands up and goes near Paige.) Phoebe: Cole, you have been a demon for over a century. That is a lot of victims. The pain of their cries alone can kill you. Cole: Yes, but as you said, I'm not the demon that did those things anymore. And if facing my crimes helps save your sister Phoebe: Cole, I Cole: Phoebe. (He sits back down next to her.) I would do almost anything for you, you know that. But I will not be a coward for you. Please don't ask me to be. (Phoebe touches his face.) Phoebe: We'll need some of your blood. Cole: Right. Paige: Knife. (A knife orbs from the table and into Paige's hand. She holds it out in front of Cole.) [Time lapse. Phoebe and Paige are standing at the table. Phoebe is holding a knife above a lit candle.] Phoebe/Paige: "Power of the sisters rise, course unseen across the skies, come to us who call you near..." [Cut to the alley. The furies are touching Piper's hair. Piper is wearing fury clothes and has talons on her face. She hears Phoebe and Paige chanting.] Phoebe/Paige: "Come to us and settle here. Blood to blood, I summon thee, blood to blood, return to me." Piper: I know where evil dwells. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Parlor. Phoebe, Paige and Cole are there. Cole is pacing.] Phoebe: Are you sure about this? Cole: I'm good at a lot of things. Waiting is not one of them. (Paige makes a noise and throws her arms down.) Phoebe: Honey, what are you doing? Paige: I'm trying to do that orb thingy. I can't seem to get the hang of it though. (Cole yells in her face and she orbs in and out.) What happened? Phoebe: You orbed. Paige: I did? Cole: It's a fear response. Phoebe: So until you learn how to control it, you just have to Paige: Get scared? Phoebe: Pretty much. Paige: Alright. Well, that shouldn't be too difficult. Phoebe: Good. Then we will orb, we will levitate, we will juggle knives if we have to, just to keep the furies distracted from Cole. Paige: Okay, but what I don't get is how we un-demon Piper when she gets here. Phoebe: Well, we have to close the portal of unexpressed fury. Cole: Unexpressed? I think she's been raging for days. Phoebe: That's 'cause there's something she's not saying. Paige: Which is? Phoebe: I don't know, but I think I have an idea. (Cole yells out in pain and drops to his knees. He hears voices. Phoebe kneels beside him.) They're close? (Paige gets scared and orbs out. Phoebe stands up.) Paige? (Paige orbs back in.) Paige: I did it again. Cole: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. (A fury barges in through the front door. Phoebe levitates and kicks her, knocking her down. She gets up and attacks Phoebe. Phoebe blocks and kicks her back down. Piper and the other fury appear behind Phoebe near Cole. Phoebe spins around.) Paige: Phoebe! Phoebe: Nice decoy, Piper. Two points. (She levitates and kicks them both, knocking them down. She sees Cole lying on the floor.) Cole. Come on. Come on. (She tries to get him up. The furies surround them.) Paige: Lamp! (The lamp orbs out and it flies across the room hitting a fury. The furies turn around.) Sorry. (The furies go over to her.) Really sorry. (Cole throws an energy ball at the two furies and kills them. Piper pushes Phoebe out of the way and scratches Cole's chest.) Phoebe: Cole is not your problem, Piper, and you know it. (Piper attacks Phoebe and Phoebe blocks her hits.) Paige: Book! (The Book of Shadows orbs to her. She starts flipping through it.) Please let there be something in here. (Phoebe kicks Piper down. Cole gets an energy ball ready.) Phoebe: Cole, don't! (He stops the energy ball.) You think I abandoned you. You think it's my fault that Prue died. You blame me. You should just admit it. (Piper sends Phoebe flying straight into a cabinet, smashing it. Piper goes over to Paige.) Paige: You don't want to kill me, Piper, you don't even know me. (Cole goes over to Phoebe.) It's not about me. It's not about Phoebe, is it? Phoebe: Leo! (Leo orbs in. Piper tries to scratch Paige, but she orbs out and back in behind Piper. Piper spins around.) Paige: Phoebe's not the sister who abandoned you. It's Prue, isn't it? (Piper grabs Paige by the neck.) Phoebe: Leo, do something. (Leo grabs Piper and Paige and orbs out.) Cole: Where'd he take them? Phoebe: To what Piper's really angry at. [Cut to a monastery. Leo orbs in with Piper and Paige. Piper backs away when she sees Prue's plaque.] Paige: Tell her, Piper. It's alright to hate her. (Piper tries to get out but the doors are locked.) You should hate her. When my parents died, I hated them for it. I was alone, and I hated them. It is okay to hate Prue. (Piper looks at Paige.) Piper: How dare you! (She runs over to Prue's plaque and bangs on it.) How dare you leave me! How could you go and die and leave me here all alone? Please come back. I need you. (She starts to cry.) Please come back. (She screams and sinks down on the ground. She sits there and bawls. She changes back to normal. Leo kneels down beside her.) Leo: It's okay. It's okay, honey. Piper: It's not okay. She risked her life everyday and she never thought about what would happen to me and Phoebe if she was gone. (Paige starts to cry for the sister she never knew.) Leo: I know. Piper: How did she think that I could live without her? (Leo hugs her. Tears well up in Paige's eyes as she looks at Prue's plaque.) [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. The next morning. Piper is there pouring two cups of coffee. Phoebe comes in and sits on a stool. Piper hands her a cup of coffee.] Phoebe: Did you sleep? Piper: Yeah, actually, better than I have in a while. Phoebe: Mmm. It's quite, isn't it? Early and late. It's just really, really quite. Piper: Prue was always the first one up, and the last one down. It's strange, the things that you miss. So, how scary was I? (Phoebe laughs. Piper sits next to her.) Phoebe: Heck, I've seen worse. I've been worse. But uh, but Paige Piper: She completely freaked. Phoebe: No, uh, she handled it better than most people would, I think. She saved your life. She definitely is a Halliwell, last name or no. Piper: I know I haven't been the most welcoming. I just I miss Prue so much. It's hard to imagine opening up to someone else. With everything that happens in our lives, love just feels like an invitation for more pain. Phoebe: So maybe, um maybe you don't start with love. Maybe you just start with thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: South Bay Social Services. Piper walks in holding a basket of muffins. She spots Paige at her desk and walks over to her. She puts the basket on her desk. Paige looks up at her, surprised. She looks in the basket.] Paige: Muffins. Thanks. Piper: Busy work. I'm best in the kitchen. Prue was the one that liked to, uh, chase demons. (Paige sees Donnie.) Paige: Man, he's like a whole new Donnie. What did Leo say to him? (Piper looks over at Donnie. He smiles and walks past them.) Piper: Um, I don't know. He's a miracle worker, that husband of mine. Paige: So, how are you? Piper: I've had, uh bad hours. (She sits down.) And hours that aren't quite so bad. I guess you know how it is. Paige: Yeah. When my parents died, there were some days I didn't think I'd survive the sadness. It'll never be okay that she's gone, Piper. But I promise, it will get better. (Piper sees scratches on Paige's neck.) Piper: You know, Leo could fix that for you. Paige: It's my first war wound. I think I'll wear it with pride. Piper: Unfortunately in this family, it will not be the last. Paige: Well, every family has its pros and it's cons. A couple of demon battles in exchange for the power to clear up my friend's skin? I'd say it's worth it. Piper: The power to what? (They see Lila and Billy chatting across the room. Lila flirts a little.) Paige: He's cute, isn't he? Well, you should have seen him yesterday. (Paige laughs.) Piper: Okay, uh, you saved my life, so I guess we're even on the Book of Shadows swipe, but, um, Paige, there are rules to being a witch, rules that you will have to learn and follow. Paige: Well, not to be difficult, but you're married to our Whitelighter and Phoebe's shacking up with a demon. So, on balance, maybe my friend could stay cute? Piper: Okay. (Mr. Cowan comes up to them.) Mr. Cowan: My, my, my. That pile looks about the same size as it did about an hour ago. (Piper stands up.) Piper: Oh, that was my fault. I distracted her with muffins. Mr. Cowan: And you are? (Piper looks at Paige then back at Mr. Cowan.) Piper: I'm her sister. (Piper smiles at Paige and leaves the office. Paige smiles a little to herself.)
Plan: A: a demon vanquishing rampage; Q: What does Piper go on after Prue's death? A: risk; Q: What does Piper put Phoebe, Cole, and herself at? A: The Furies, Piper; Q: Who accidentally inhales some smoke that was released by the demons? A: a Fury; Q: What does Piper become after inhaling smoke from the demons? A: Prue's grave; Q: Where did Piper go to let go of her anger? A: Paige; Q: Who steals the Book of Shadows? A: work; Q: Where does Paige use the Book of Shadows? A: a boss; Q: Who harasses Paige and her co-workers? Summary: Still angered over Prue's death, Piper goes on a demon vanquishing rampage, ultimately putting Phoebe, Cole, and herself at risk. As they fight the demons called The Furies, Piper accidentally inhales some smoke that was released by the demons, resulting in her anger magnifying and becoming a Fury herself. It is only after going to Prue's grave is she able to let go of her anger. Meanwhile, Paige steals the Book of Shadows and uses it for her own personal gain at work after she and some co-workers get harassed by a boss.
[Babylon. All guys dancing. Hot,young, sexy boys. # Risin' from Elle Patrice] [Emmett and Ted are standing at the bar. Emmett dancewhile Ted starres at his drink.] Emmett:You know, some people might say the Grand Canyon or BigSur, but I think some of the finest vistas to be foundanywhere in these United States are right here inPittsburgh. Ted: Helooks pretty barren to me. Emmett:Oh, c'mon. There's got to be someone in this vastpanorama of sweaty bodies who you're just dying to havereject you! Ted: It's not them. It's me. It's too soon. It's stillmourning. Emmett: Well, it's time to take off the widow weeds.After all, even Jackie finally took off the widow'sweeds, got up off of all fours, married some rich oldman, and went shopping again. At least try. [Ted turns his head and looks around. He see someone.] Ted:Him. Emmett:Who? Ted:Over, there. Blue movie shirt, black hair, pink in shirt,cuttle short nose. Emmett:Oh, he's adorable. Ted:He's hot. [The guyturns around.] Emmett:He's a... Both:Michael? [They'rerunning to him, overjoy.] Emmett:Why didn't you tell us you're coming? Michael:It was a spirit of moment thing. David took Hankcamping... Emmett: That's how you're figured you're do camping ofyour own. Oh, look at you. You're adorable - and hot.Doesn't you look hot, Ted? Ted:Let's have a drink. Michael:Oh, yeah. Sure. [They'regoing to the bar.] Ted: So,how long are you here in town? Michael:Just long enough to see you guys and my mom and my uncleVic and... allthree: ...Brian. Emmett:Oh, that's no point looking after him, sweetie. Ted:He's not here. Michael:No, of course not. Not after what happened. Emmett:He's in the backroom. [The Back Room of Babylon. It's alot darker in there. Multi-colored shadows dot the room,and various male body parts emerge from them.] Michael: Hey Tod,how's going? Tod:Hey, fine! [Briansits in a chair, staring blankly ahead while two guysgnaw on his lap.] Brian: Hey, Mikey. Michael:Is this all you have to say? Brian: No, cover you're teeth. Michael:I've been emailing you and leaving you messagespractically every day for the last month and you've neveranswered. Brian:Busy, busy. Michael:What, up to your old tricks? Brian: Never old ones. And never the same ones twice.Okay guys, take a drink. Michael:I'm glad you're okay. Brian: Oh, not just okay. I'm fabulous. In fact, I'm themost fabulous fag in Pittsburgh. That if it's be fabulousin Pittsburgh. Does anybody have an E? [A dozenhands reach out of the dark with tablets.] Brian:So, who's told you I was here? Rosencrantz orGuildenstern? Michael: I think I could figurerd that out of my own. Brian:Oh sh1t, I've been trying to get this fucker all night. Michael:When am I going to see you?! [Brianignores Michael and he's going with this guy.] [In the hallway in front ofEmmett's flat.] Emmett: I didn't take it personally, sweety. Ted: He's cut himself off from everyone. Emmett: Everyone, that is, except for every slut inPittsburgh with a smooth ass and a nine-inch cock. Ted: Or with another word despite what happens it'sbusiness as usual. Emmett: But hey, when your boy toy gets broken, getanother toy, right? [They've got inside. Emmett turns the light on.] Emmett: But well, here we are. Home Sweet Dump. Michael: It is so great to be back. Ted: I don't wanna go that far. After those photos andemails of from you're new place. Emmett: Well, I might not have a pool or an atrium, butI've got a stopped-up sink and a half-dead rubber treeplant. Ted: He's trying to grow his own condoms. Emmett: Oh baby, you must be so happy. Michael: Hank and David are very close now. We're getdoing any cool things together. We're get to go bicyclingin the forest park, we're get to go camping and we'remade some really new friends. Ted: Oh, really - you have... friends? Emmett: Oh, that's... that's nice. Michael: Stop mention that I replace you. Emmett: Yeah, well I'm afraid I'm gonna have to replaceyou. Michael: What? Emmett: I've got a new roommate soon. I gonna forced tomove into the home of independent homos. Michael: Well, you've been looking? [Montage of potential roommates walking in the door andthen a flash of each of them f*cking Emmett. Back to thepresent.] Emmett: Hi and low. I mean, no one measures up. Ted: Maybe you need to re-think the interview process. Emmett: I know, we're have a guest. Welcome home, baby! [He kisses Michael.] [Behind a glass window at thehospital, Brian watches Justin toss and turn in hissleep. Brian pulls away from the window and snorts apopper.] Nurse: Crummy day? Brian: Yeah, but what's a little rain? Nurse: How about some hot tea? Or I could I fix you up asoup in a cup? [He shakes his head.] Well, it's gotupsurde in the stiffle horse? Oh, by the way Migual, youknow who works Tuesdays and Thursday, he tosses with hima ball today. He said his hand was improving but he stillhas his outburst when he gets frustrated. Brian: Well, there must be something you can give him. Nurse: Drugs can't fix everything. Brian: Where did you hear that? Nurse: If you ask me, what would help him the most is ifhe knew that you came here every -- Brian: No. [The nurse look at him. He offers her a cigarette.] Nurse: No. Brian: Who made up the f*cking rule that you can't smokein the hospital? [He look at Justin through the window.] [Liberty Diner. Cut to Debbie,all P-FLAG'ed out, arms open wide. Her t-shirt says,"I love my pen1s"] Deb: Come and give your mother a hug! Michael: Promise to let me go this time? Deb: Eagle Scouts Honour. [She hugs him and feels on his back.] Deb: My baby. Christ, you're f*cking skeleton! Mel: What the hell have you been eating out there, nutsand berries? Deb: I've feed you're up. I'm gonna give you the bushbottom smackball. Michael: You will gonna fed me up or gonna make mestroke? What's all those? [He pointed all those papersabout the table.] Lindsay: Chris Hobb's sentence next week. Mel: The judge is a real asshole. Deb: Yeah, we're call everybody we can. Keep Flaggers,ACA Yours, we're gonna pack those courtroom. Make surethat he knows that we're countable. Michael: Justin is very lucky to have you looking at. [Hekisses her.] Deb: Well, that's more as we can say about you're fuckingfriend. He hasn't see him once! Lindsay: Every time we're visit Justin all he ever askwas where is Brian? Mel: Getting his dick sucked, that's where's Brian. Lindsay: I'm not sticking him up from. But maybe he's gotsome vietnam batts who have those trosty. It's been toopainful for him to have to face. Deb: What? Seeing a poor, hurt kid? Michael: You weren't there that night, you didn't seeBrian. In shock, with blood all over him? It was like hegot the sh1t beat out of him, too. Deb: If you ask me, he's still an asshole. Mel: Okay, I guess it's time to get to the beauty parlor. Lindsay: Yeah, getting their hair done... Mel: Getting the manicures... Lindsay: Be ready when our dates arrive. Michael: Wow, wow, wow, wow. Something happen when I wasgone that I should know about? Lindsay: Don't worry, Michael, we're still lesbians. Michael: Wew... Lindsay: It's my sister's wedding. Mel: And the less said, the better. Deb: Here bone butt, start on these. Oh, coffee. [At the hospital, Jennifer Taylortalks to Justin's doctor outside the physical therapyroom. They watch Justin try to roll a tennis ball withhis partially paralyzed right hand.] Doctor: Does he always push himself so hard? Jen: I remember when he was a kid he's so determent toride his two wheeler. He fall a hundred times and it wasa bloody mess but... he kept out it until he learn tostay up. He hasn't changed. When he wants something, hewon't stop until he gets it. Doctor: But whatever it is now he does making him to stayon top. It speed off I'm sending him home. Jen: That's wonderful. [The tennis ball slips out of Justin's fingers and heyells in frustration.] Jen: Are you sure he's ready? Doctor: I wanna see him here three times a week for thenext month for our patient therapy. And call me if thereis a problem. [A concernes Jennifer look through the window to herson.] [Melanie and Lindsay accompanyTed and Emmett up the steps of a hotel.] Emmett: Believe it, it's Saturday night and we're heredressed to go to a f*cking funeral. Ted: Close to it - a hetero wedding. Lindsay: Can't you guy giving up for one time? Ted: I did and looking I havin' withdrawal symptoms. [The reception area. Some blond girl walks right into themiddle of the group to give Ted a elevator look.] Mel: Oh, it's too bad you're not straight, you couldreally score big-time. Emmett: It's hard to believe, but in this paralleluniverse, you're actually hot. Ted: Whoo-hoo. Lucky me! [A waitress comes by with drinks.] Emmett: Pink champagne. Yeah. That's too nelly, even forme. Ted: Not bad - for a buche. Lindsay: Look, I'm sorry to make you pretend to be ourdates. But when my sister insisted that Mel and I notdraw attention to ourselves. Mel: What, did she think we were going to performcunnilingus on top of the wedding cake? Lindsay: I'd promise I'd follow wedding etiquette. [Emmett checks out a guy.] Emmett: Well, I've read Miss Manners cover to cover, andnowhere does it say that you must subjugate yoursexuality, even at the bride's request. Wow, is he hot! Lindsay: Hey, come back. Ted: Watch you're position on f*cking ushers. Emmett: Well, it's acceptable prefable not during theceremony. Ron: There she is! Lindsay: Oh, daddy. Ron: Where is my girl? [He hugs Linds.] Nancy: We've been looking for you! Hello Melanie. Mel: Mister and Misses Peterson. Lindsay: This is Ted and Emmett. Nancy: How do you do? Ted: We're their beards. Ron: You're ready for hear "Here comes thebride"? Again! Nancy: Oh, Ron, stop. Ron: Oh, Nancy, don't tell me, tell 'em that. Threeweddings in five years - that's the last one I'm payingfor. Nancy: That's what you've said the last. Hot guy: Mr. and Mrs.Peterson? It's time. Nancy: Oh, here's our cue. We're should take ourpositions. [They leave. Mel and Linds throw their arms around eachother's waists. Ted and Emmett have to remind them thatthey're no longer gay.] [Brians's loft. Brian closes thedoor behind Michael.] Michael: I left you four messages. Brian: I told you, busy busy. You want some diner? [Hethrows him a bag of chips.] Michael: This is diner? Brian: Just the essantial of a healthy diet. Salt, fat,alcohol. Michael: I've never eating again. My mom practical forcedfeed me to eat the entire Liberty Diner menu. Brian: Well, who told you to eat it? Micheal: What I'm suppose to do? Brian: Say no. Michael: I know it makes her happy. Brian: Well, there you go, Ladies and Gentlemen, proofpositive that making other people happy can cause nausea,severe cramps, even diarrhea. Michael: Got any Tums? Brian: What is tums spell backwards? Both: Smut. Brian: Why the f*ck are you here? Michael: I've told you, I left you a bunch of messagesand you never called me back. Brian: I mean of all holidays places you could havechosen Pitts port of the part - why Pitts? Michael: I'm missed it. It's my home. Brian: Not even more. It's just a visit. It's asight-seeing of you're former life. Now you've seenyou're mom and the boys and me. Who's next on the tour? Michael: I though I go see Justin. How's he goin'? Brian: How should I know? Michael: Well, you would if you would see him. How aboutyou come with me? Brian: What for? Michael: It might make him happy? Brian: I just told you making other people happy can bedangerous to you're healthy. Michael: So can making yourself miserable... Brian: Look, save you're worried-wife routine for the docand, uh, come with me to Woody's. Michael: I don't want... to go to Woody's... Brian: C'mon, it's part of the tour. On you're left astarve creation that you love it. Michael: Yeah, sure. Brian: I stink. I need a shower. [Mike walks over to watch surreptitiously as Brianundresses. Brian has the bloody scarf from prom nightwrapped around his chest under his shirt.] [The Taylor condo. Debbie and Vicfight their way to the front door through a throng ofreporters. One of them knocks into Vic, who knocks intoDebbie just as Jennifer opens the door.] Deb: Jesus Christ, what was that?! Jen: They are waiting for us when we're got home. Someonefrom the hospital must have told them Justin has beenreleast. What happened to you? Deb: What? [Jennifer notices that Debbie has spilled marinara sauceall over the front of her shirt. It looks like there'sblood all over her.] Deb: Oh, Jesus, some asshole out there have bumped intome and made me spill my marinara all of myself. Vic: It's supposed to be over the spaghetti, not you. Deb: Wait until you see all the support is where we'vegot to come to the courtroom. Jen: Uh, Debbie I just brought Justin home. I can'tsupected him to all that. Deb: Oh, sure. I understand. Jen: Wow, you shouldn't have done all this trouble. Vic: It wasn't any trouble. She cooked it. Deb: I made Justin favourite - chicken parmasan. Jen: Well, I'm sure he's gonna love it when I just gethim to eat. Deb: Of course he'll eat. Justin: Of course I'll eat. [Justin comes from the stairs. He has his right handstuck in his sweatshirt pocket.] Deb: Sunshine! Jen: Sweetheart, I though you'll taking a nap. Everythingallright? Justin: I'm fine. Don't I look it? Vic: Good as new. Debbie: Better. You have no idea. I have been prayed forthis moment, To see you standing there. To knows you'llbe allright. sh1t. Come, give me a kiss. [Debbie opens up her arms to give Justin a hug. Justinsees the stain on her shirt and freaks, curling up in aball and jumping away from her.] Jen: Sweetheart, honey it's just marinara sauce, it'sokay. Deb: Sorry. Vic: So, why we're all sit down and eat? Deb: Yeah, taste the rest of the sauce. Jen: Honey, why you aren't go upstairs and cleaned up? Justin: Okay. [Later that evening, Daphnedrives Justin around.] Justin: "Honey." "Sweety.""Sunshine." Just cause Chris Hobbes fuckingbashes me in the head, and suddenly everyone wants toinfantilize me! Daphne: You've could have died, you know. Justin: I was there. Daphne: They're gonna freak out when they're find outyou've gone. Justin: I left a note. "Back soon. Love and kisses." [SCENE_BREAK] [Daphne drops Justin off on Liberty Avenue. He awkwardly puts a cigarette in his mouth and lights it.] Daphne: Will you be okay? Justin: I don't know but I'll have to find out. Thank you. [Justin walks though the mens. Someone taps him on theshoulder.] Man: Hey, you're be okay? Justin: [shout out] Don't touch me! [Woody's. Brian and Michael aresiting on the bar.] Brian: So, how are the boys in Portland? I bet with allthat rain, they have perfect peach and cream cheeks. Michael: I'll never hasn't had a chance to do a buttcheck. Besides, David and I have better ways of spendingour evening. Brian: Like what? Michael: Like clubs we're eating and listen to music. Brian: And then checking each other's pulses to make sureyou're still alive? If it was me, I'd be out all night,topping the tall timbers. Michael: Yeah, well, that's why we have environmentalprotection laws. Brian: But, Mikey, tell me, I need to now. Does alumberjack off? Michael: What the f*ck is going on? Brian: Nothing, the f*ck is going on. Michael: You're f*cking fall-down mess. Brian: You're beautiful. I'll always be beautiful. Yousaid so yourself. You've want some? Michael: You've cut yourself off from everyone, includingme. You're drinking, Christ, like I've never seen youbefore. Maybe you're need to talk to someone. Brian: Good, cut to be my god-damn mother? You're go backwhere you belong and read and cook and listen to musicwith David and I'll be alright. Michael: Why haven't you go to see Justin? Brian: Because there is nothing I can do for him. [Justin walks into Woody's and is immediately surroundedby a group of people who recognize him from the news.Justin freaks out some more, and tells everyone to getaway from him, backing up until he's finally cowering ina corner, facing the wall.] Justin: Get away from me! [Mike pushes through the crowd to get to the boy.] Michael: Give him some room. Justin, it's me, Michael. [Justin turns around just as Brian comes back to the bar.Justin's and Brian's eyes meet. Brian looks surprised.] Michael: Will you just f*cking stand there?! [The Wedding. All people aredancing to the Go Go. At the gift table.] Lindsay: At the first marriage, she was registered atTiffany's. The second, Pottery Barn. The third, The BigQ. Mel: Pathetic, isn't it? Straight people and their sillylittle rituals? Ted: C'mon, you know it is legal for you and Lindsay toget married, if you would. Mel: Oh, we can't. So, what's the point? [Mel takes a drag on her cigarette.] Lindsay: The bride requested no smoking. Mel: Oh, f*ck the bride! Lynette: Hello Melanie. Mel: Lynette, it's a beautiful wedding. Lindsay: Just like they've all been. Ted: The chicken tasted delicious. Lynette: It was a capon. Ted: Well, it tasted like chicken. [In the bushes, Emmett's giving the usher a blowjob. Hestands up, daintily wipes the corners of his mouth, andmakes to join the others at the table.] Mel: I was just saying, you must really be lookingforward to the honeymoon. Where are you off to this time? Lynette: Borneo. Ted: Don't they have a lot of pigs there? Emmett: Wow, I've got a much better time than I thought. Lynette: Oh, time to cut the cake. And you promised totoast the lucky couple. [Lynette goes with her sister out of reach from herfriends.] Lynette: Before you do I just wanna thank you. Lindsay: I toast to my only sister wedding. Lynette: I mean, you're not embarrassing me. Not that Ihave anything against Melanie, and you know I adore Gus,but considering it is my wedding...after all, I justdidn't see any reason for people to be subjected to... Lindsay: An undignified display of my private life? [Lynette laughs uncomfortably, touches her much youngersister briefly on the cheek, and goes back into the hall.] [Inside the house. Time to cutthe wedding cake. Lindsay gets everyone's attention.] Lindsay: Excuse me, everyone. I'm Lindsay, Lynette'ssister and I like to congratulate her and her husband onthis special occasion. [applause] To stand in front ofyour family and friends, to declare your love andcommitment in the eyes of God is a privilege -- not to betaken lightly. I know, because I've shared a commitmentwith my partner for six wonderful years, even thoughwe're not married. And that's because we're not allowedto be. But that shouldn't stop two people from doing whatthey truly want. Should it? So, I'd like to ask mybeloved, "Will you marry me?" [Melanie looks like she wants to crawl under the carpetand die. Lindsay laughs in glee at her own boldness andruns over to hug Melanie.] [At Brian's. Justin and Brian arestanding in front of the bar.] Justin: The doctor said, if Chris Hobbs hit me a fractionof an inch this way or that way or a different angle oreven a little bit harder I were complete vegetable ordead. As I is the only damage is the cerebral motorstrang. Brian: Is that where the drag race to you're brain? Justin: No, it's a part of the cerebral motor cortex thatcontrols motor skills. Brian: I know what it is. I attended eighth grade. Justin: They're driving my sculpture at least out ofblood. They're said that I never draw again. Brian: Yeah, well there always telling people they'llnever walk again, or draw again, or piss again, so whenyou finally do you'll think they're geniuses, and theycan charge you whatever the f*ck they want. Justin: Why you didn't come and see me? Brian: What for? Justin: Considering I was in a coma for two weeks andrehab for a month, trying to learn that f*cking what for. Brian: You know, if you really want to regain the agilityand strength in your hand, I suggest jerking off severaltimes a day. It works like magic. Jutin: You've should at least called to see if I'm stillalive. Brian: I'm sure I would have heard if you weren't.Besides I'm not you're occupational therpist, not traumaspecial, not even you're goddam mother so there's nothingthat I could have done to you. Justin: I still don't remember to anything. Last thing Ido remember is you telling me that you wouldn't come tomy prom. But they say that you did show up after all. Andthat we danced together. And that was amazing. Daphnesaid that we were amazing. Brian: We were allright. Justin: sh1t. I wish I could remember that. And than Iwalked with you backup to you're jeep and that's whenChris Hobbs cames out with the baseball bat... Brian: But you said you can't remember anything. Justin: I can't, it's the stuff that other people toldme. It's like a story that happened to somebody else. Brian: Yeah, well, I can remember. I can remembereverything! I saw him. He was coming after you with thebat. [Flash to the prom night. Chris Hobbs cames out with thebat.] Brian: But he was moving too fast, and you were too faraway. [Brian jumps out of his jeep and scream"Justin!" to warn him. But Chris Hobbs werefaster.] Brian: And I ran, but there was no time to stop him. Andthen he swung, and it was too late. There was nothing Icould do. And you just lay there on the cold cement. [Flash to the prom night. Brian's over Justin. "No,no, no, no, no, no. God!". Flash to the present.] Justin: It wasn't you're fault. [he's going in front ofBrian and they're looking in each other eyes.] It wasn'tyou're fault. [They're hug each other.] [Emmett's flat. Emmett comes backfrom the wedding, bouquet and usher in tow. The usher'scarrying a piece of cake, which Emmett takes from him togive to Michael.] Man: Try this. Emmett: Let me get this piece to my roommate. Even if heis practically married. Why don't you go right to mybedroom, over there. I'll be with you in one minute. [He opens the door to Mike's bedroom and finds him havingsex with the guy he was checking out at Woody's. Emmettquietly closes the door.] [Outside Justin's home. Briandrops Justin off.] Justin: Thanks. Brian: For what? Justin: For the ride, for saving me. Brian: I didn't saving. Justin: I meant tonight. So, will I see you again? Brian: Yeah, you'll see me. Justin: Don't wait too long. At this rate, who knows howlong I'll be around? [Justin goes to the door. Brian looks at him. Jen opensthe door.] Jen: Justin! Were have you been? Have you any idea howworried I was? How could you just leave like that?! Justin: I left a notice. Jen: Come inside. [Mike and Emmett's. Mike tries toget the guy from Woody's out of the apartment beforeEmmett sees him.] Michael: Okay, c'mon, c'mon. Be quiet. Okay. Guy: I left my number by the bed. Michael: Great. Let's go. Guy: Call me. [The guy's gone. Michael walks quietly to his room.Emmett turns on the lights. He's siting on the couch.] Emmett: So, how was you're piece of cake? [Melanie's and Lindsay's. Lindsayphones with her mother. She seems very angry.] Lindsay: Mom, please. Mom, would you please stop crying!No, she did me not up to it. Mel: That's right. Blame the Jew! Lindsay: If Lynette can get married three times, then whycan't I?! Nancy: "Two women cannot get married. How are wegoing to show our faces?" Lindsay: Love to Daddy. Can't wait to see the video. [She slams the phone down. Melanie get up and dress heron.] Lindsay: Bitch! I can't believe this upset. Mel: Fear not. In time, they'll sweep it underneath theirWASPy rugs and forget all about it. Lindsay: I don't want forget about it. I want full andequal recognition -- if not by the law, then at least inmy parents' house! Mel: I'd count on getting hitched in Mississippi first. Lindsay: Can't we stay in bed a little bit longer? Mel: Oh, ... Lindsay: You still haven't answered my question. Will youmerry me? Mel: You aren't serious? Lindsay: I was dead serious. Why do they get to receiveeveryone's blessings and presents and we don't? Mel: I knew it had about the presents. Look, you can'tget married. For one thing, it's not even legal, and foranother, you know how I feel about weddings. They'remeaningless, ... Both: ...antiquated rituals for heterosexuals. Lindsay: I've heard. Mel: Linds, we have a marriage. And a family. Six yearsstrong. Give or take a few bumps in the road. It nice iswould be to have a party and a payback finally for allthe wedding guest we're shall have. We're don't need anybrute that we're love each other. So, let's go grab ourkid and get some brunch. [Mike and Emmett's apartment. Tedjoins them.] Emmett: If I knew how many men you could meet at straightfunctions, I would have started going years ago. Ted: You're the one truffle in the garden. Emmett: I wouldn't be so sure. I have my suspicions aboutthe groom. Ted: You mean Lindsay's sister break their own record?What's about you, Michael? How was you're night on thetown? Emmett: He brought home a nice centerpiece of his own. Michael: Jesus, Em! Ted: Well. You certainly didn't waste any time, did you?In town less than twenty-four hours. Emmett: Why shouldn't he get a little action? He'soutside the four-hundred-mile limit for extramaritalquickies and anonymous assignations. Mind you, if youwant to do anything further, you'll have to do overseastravel and a fourteen-minimum day stay... Ted: I just thought, with everything you wrote, you know.That you and David were so in love. So committed. Emmett: Every relationship has its own set of rules.Their arrangement is none of our business. Right,sweetie? I want some pot sticker. Michael: We broke up. Ted: What? Michael: It's over. David and I are over. Emmett: Mmmh, these are the best dumplings I've ever had. Ted: Did you hear what he just said? Emmett: He broke up. You're broke up. So why the f*ck youdidn't tell us? Michael: I was going to. Ted: When? After you convince us that you found paradiselost? Michael: When the time was right. You're know but there'snever a right time to admit that you failed. That you hadthis great opportunity to start your life over withsomeone that you loved, or thought you loved, and youblew it. I blew it. I complained that David was workingtoo much, and that I couldn't find a job, and that Ididn't have any friends. And when I accused him of beingthoughtless and not caring, and said that if I knew itwas going to be like this, I never would have come, hesaid, 'Well, go home, Michael!' Go home. Ted: Well, I wouldn't say that you failed. Emmett: And it's not true that you that you don't haveany friends. 'Cause you still got us. Ted: That is for coming home, there is no shame in that.That's what it's here for. [They hug each other.] [The Sentencing Hearing of ChrisHobbes. Mike, Debbie, Melanie, Lindsay, and Vic sit inthe front row.] Judge: The fact that Christopher Hobbes pled guilty onassault charges for his vicious attack on Justin Taylorin no way mitigates the seriousness of this crime, or thetragic effects on both these young men's lives. Both werehonor students at St. James Academy; both were planningto attend college. Now one young man is recovering fromserious brain injuries, and the other is facing a prisonsentence. I ask myself, how could this have happened? Deb: I tell ya how. Chris Hobbes is a homophobic animalwho should be put away. Judge: I can only imagine how profoundly disturbing itmust have been for a young man of Chris Hobbes's fine,moral upbringing to be approached sexually by a malestudent, then to see him flaunt his lifestyle by bringinghis male lover to the prom and engaging in what has beendescribed as a highly provocative dance. [Brian walks in the courtroom and sits in the row behindhis friends.] Judge: Given the fact that he was drinking -- which heshould not have been -- I could understand how ChrisHobbes might lose control of his better judgement. Still,this does not excuse his actions. And so I have struggledto find the appropriant sentence to impulse for thisunfortunable crime. Court will recess in 10 minutes. [The judge stands up and leave the room.] Deb: Where the f*ck is he going? Emmett: It's the hell of a time to leave. Ted: Great suspense. Mel: It's how he's got his name "regular boy".Every day at 12:15 on the dot he goes to the bathroomacross the hall, sits in the stall under the window andtakes a dump and has a smoke. Emmett: No way! Ted: You're gotta be kidding! Mel: No matter who was sentensing. [The judge returns to his place. Everyone stands up ,except Brian.] Judge: Christopher Michael Hobbs, this court exceptyou're plea of guilty for a simple assault. Because ofyour age, because you have no previous offenses, andbecause you were unduly provoked, you are hereby given atwo-year suspended sentence and ordered to serve fivehundred hours of community service. [The judge leaves the room. Chris Hobbs smiles and shakeshis lawyers hand.] Deb: No, that's not right. Wait a minute. Wait a minute! [In front of the building. ChrisHobbs and his lawyer were interviewed by some reporters.Deb and the gang are standing a little bit outside.] Deb: Look at him. His practically f*cking murder. How heget's off free? Mel: They made a deal. His lawayer agreed to pleadedguilty, the prosecutor reduced the charge from aggravatedto simple assault, and Roy sent him off with probationand service. Deb: He'd have gotten more for bashing a dog! Michael: It's okay, mom. Let's go home, get some rest. Deb: Damn right I'm going home, but not to rest. I'mgoing to call every P-FLAG chapter in this country; we'renot putting up with this for one f*ckin' second. We'regoing to march, and we're going to carry huge signs, andlet this asshole judge know what we think of him. Vic: That's enough. Deb: We're gonna march on Washington, if we have to! Vic: No, sis... Deb: YOU'RE HEAR THAT?! [Deb tries to run to Chris Hobbs, but she's pull awayfrom Michael and Vic. Deb cries on Michael's shoulder.] Michael: It's okay. It's okay. He's not gonna get awaywith this. We're march, we're protest. [At Brian's loft. Mike and Brianare alone. Brian reads something.] Brian: Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. All protests arebullshit. Well-meaning do-gooders marching around,carrying signs. Chanting? 'Hey, hey, ho, ho, homophobia'sgot to go'? Give me a goddamn f*cking prick. Michael: So, I guess this means you're not going with us? Brian: Hell no, I won't go! Michael: So, you're gonna sit you there on you're ass anddo nothing. Brian: Yeah, I guess so. Jesus, what the f*ck did I everdo without you to harangue me? When the hell are yougoing back, anyway? Michael: I'm not. Brian: I know. Michael: Had Ted and Emmett tell you? Brian: No, I managed to figured it out all by my littleself. I mean, I knew it wouldn't work out. Michael: Oh, congratulations, right as usual. Brian: It's not about me, asshole, it's about you. Imean, did you really think you'd be happy in Wisconsinliving as a doctor's wife? Michael: Oregon. Portland's in Oregon. Brian: Wherever the f*ck. Michael: Maybe that's the problem. I don't know where thefuck I belong. [Brian grabs Michaels arm and pulls Mike down for akiss.] Brian: There. That's where. Well, will you go on and helpyou're mom and make the world safe for fags. Michael: What is this? Is this our old chemestry book?It's look like this from highschool. Brian: Yeah, it's... I'm doin' some research. I have anew client for a drug company. Michael: Well, you must be thrilled. You'll be able toget E wholesale. [Back in the courtroom bathroom.Judge Roy primps in the mirror, then takes his usualstall. He sits down, groaning in satisfaction. When he'sdone, he puts out his cigarette, then tries to get up offof the toilet. But he's stuck to it. Very stuck.] [At Woody's, the gang watch anews report about Judge Roy's mishap.] Reporter: "After spending 14 hours glued to a toiletseat the judge was unharmed but badly shaken..." [all laughs.] Mel: The seat of justice has been severely compromised. Emmett: No skin off my ass. Ted: I bet he wishes he could say the same thing. Lindsay: Who do you think did it? Mel: Someone who did can't wait for the sentence. [Michael thinks about it and Brian's chemestry bookyesterday.] Michael: You know what this reminds me of? That time inChemistry class when you said you were going to inventsynthetic cum, and you made that goo? And you put it allover the toilet seat in the teacher's lounge and Mrs.Renfro got glued to it. Brian: I better take off. [Outside the Taylor Condo, Justinand Brian toss around a whiffle ball. Daphne watches,sitting on the steps with Brian.] Justin: I knew they led him go. They don't care about us;they wish we were all dead. Brian: Look, don't think it's okay just focus on whatyou're doing. Justin: sh1t! f*ck! [Justin curses when his hand seizesup.] Brian: C'mon, you can do it. Justin: No, I can't. Brian: Yes, you can. C'mon. [Justin tries one more time and got it.] Daphne: Hey, that one was good, Justin. Justin: Daph, you're so full of sh1t. [Jen drives up.] Jen: Hi, honey. Hi, Daphne. [Pause] Brian: Hello, Mrs.Taylor. Jen: Hello, Brian. Brian: We're just tossing the ball. Jen: I think you should rest, honey. Justin: I'm not tired. Jen: I'd like to speek to Brian. Justin: C'mon, Daph. [Justin and Daphne goes inside. Jen and Brian are allalone.] Jen: The day they sent him home from the hospital, thedoctor said he'd never seen such a determined patient,and then he asked what it was that made him work so hard.I knew but I didn't tell him - it was you. Every day thatyou didn't come to see him was more incentive for him toget better so he could get out and he come and see you.Of course, what Justin didn't know, and I didn't tellhim, was that you were there, every night. The nurse onduty told me. I want to thank you for that. But he's homenow, safe and sound, and there isn't any reason anymorefor you to watch over him, so I would like you to leave.And never see him again. Brian: I care about him. Jen: It was because of you, he was almost killed. -Forgive me for being so blunt. I've tried to accept himfor who he is. To accept your world and his part of it.I've even tried to accept you. And as a result, I nearlylost him. And I don't intend to lose him again. And so,if you really care about him, and I believe you do,you'll do what I ask, and return my son to me. [Brian tries to come up with something to say, butfinally just hands her the whiffle ball and walks to hiscar. Looking down the street, he sees two boys tossing abaseball to each other. Brian takes a depth breath, getsinto the Jeep, and drives away.]
Plan: A: the bashing; Q: What event caused Justin to suffer post-trauma? A: Justin; Q: Who can't remember the fateful night? A: Brian; Q: Who can't forget the night of the bashing? A: a question; Q: What does Lindsay pop to Melanie at her sister's wedding? A: Michael; Q: Who returns to Pittsburgh just as Chris Hobbs is sentenced? Summary: Suffering post-trauma after the bashing, Justin can't remember the fateful night and Brian can't forget it. Lindsay pops a question to Melanie at her sister's wedding. Michael returns to Pittsburgh just as Chris Hobbs is sentenced.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars� At the rehab centre, as Veronica signs the cheque, Lianne tries to stop her (from 116 "Betty and Veronica"). LIANNE: I can do this. I can kick this on my own. There is nothing twelve weeks in here can do that I can't do myself. VERONICA: I want you to come home. I miss you. At Mars Investigations, Veronica slams shut her laptop to stop Logan from seeing more (from 117 "Kanes and Abel's"). LOGAN: God, Veronica. VERONICA: I don't know what you saw. LOGAN: A file on Duncan. Later at Mars Investigations, Veronica and Keith discuss the Lilly Kane murder from the same episode. VERONICA: Obviously Jake and Celeste lied about their alibis. What made you think they were involved in covering up Lilly's death? Flashback to Keith at the Kanes on the night of the murder as he hears the buzzer of the dryer from the same episode. KEITH: Doing some laundry? The camera focuses in turn on each of the Kanes. Switch back to Keith. KEITH: Honey, it was a soccer uniform I found in the dryer. End previously. Open outside the front door of the Mars apartment. Veronica and Leo are kissing. They break, Leo's hands still resting on Veronica's waist, hers on his arms. LEO: Any chance I'm ever gonna get to see the inside of your apartment? VERONICA: And what, exactly, are you hoping to see? Our good china, the screening room? LEO: Wanted to get a really good long look at your bedroom ceiling. VERONICA: Wow! College girls must be easy. LEO: This is my 'A' material. They swoon. VERONICA: My dad's home. I saw his car outside. LEO: But he's cool with us, right? VERONICA: Like, has he made a couple of remarks about the 29 month age difference? He has. On the other hand, he likes the fact that you carry a gun. Not so much that he's okay to sleepover but, yeah, he likes you. Leo gently strokes Veronica's hair. LEO: I'll call ya tomorrow. VERONICA: Later, deputy. LEO: Later. Leo exits and Veronica enters the apartment. She sees Keith. VERONICA: Ah, the pretend-to-be-digging-in-the-fridge-rather-than-spying-on-your-daughter ploy. Bravo. KEITH: Veronica, we need to talk. VERONICA: [In southern drawl] He's a fine gentleman, pa. He'll come up with the dowry to marry me, just you wait. KEITH: But seriously, folks. Sit down. Veronica plonks herself down on the stool at the kitchen counter. KEITH: I know how uncomfortable you are with the idea of me dating and I've done everything in my power to respect that, but�your mom's been gone for over a year now. VERONICA: [Worried] You met someone? KEITH: I have. But I didn't want to say anything until I was sure I had feelings for this person. A-Alicia and I talked about it and- VERONICA: [Shocked] What? Who? Alicia? [Incredulous] Wallace's mom? Cut to the Fennel house. Wallace jerks up from leaning over the bathroom sink, toothbrush still in his mouth. He is horrified. WALLACE: Say what? ALICIA: Well, from your reaction I'd say your heard me just fine. Cut back to an open mouthed Veronica. Opening credits. Scene opens at Neptune High. Wallace and Veronica are sitting at one of the outside tables. They are not comfortable with each other and are silence for an age. VERONICA: On the bright side, if our parents get hitched, we could have bunk beds and stay up all night talking. WALLACE: [Not amused] You're truly sick. VERONICA: I've always wanted a little brother I could dress up like a little doll. WALLACE: Yeah? See how that works out for you. Wallace stacks his books and stalks off. Veronica watches him go, a sad look on her face. As she looks down at the table, she sees someone has written "KillemAll.net" on it. She looks a little concerned and glances around. Cut to Duncan entering the journalism class. Veronica is already there, seated at the large central table. Duncan smiles and touches her arm as he passes her, heading around the top of the table. Veronica watches him. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Dear Seventeen Magazine. How can I tell if the super cute boy in my class likes me? Duncan has reached the top of the table where Logan is sitting on the table. They exchange playful punches. Veronica continues to muse as her eyes follow Duncan. VERONICA VOICEOVER: No. Scratch that. Dear Seventeen. How can I tell if the super cute boy in my class killed his own sister? MS STAFFORD: [Offscreen, clapping] Come on, buckaroos. At the front of the class is the new, extremely chirpy, journalism teacher, Ms Stafford. MS STAFFORD: We're burning daylight here. Veronica glances at Duncan with a bit of an eyeroll. The corners of Logan's mouth turn up and Duncan stares at Ms Stafford sceptically. MS STAFFORD: [Offscreen] So a new edition of the "Navigator" comes out tomorrow and we're still short on articles. Logan takes his seat at the top of the table, next to Veronica. MS STAFFORD: Let's do something fun. Logan shares a conspiratorial grin with Veronica. DUNCAN: How about something on oxycontin replacing ecstasy as the drug of choice for high school students. Veronica nods at Duncan, impressed. MS STAFFORD: I'm sure your parents don't want to read about drugs at the school where they sent their precious little ones. VERONICA: I'm sorry. I thought the newspaper was for the students. MS STAFFORD: Where's your Pirate Pride, y'all, lots of good stuff happens here. Veronica looks a little depressed and sighs, Duncan leans back in his chair, disgusted and Logan just keeps grinning. MS STAFFORD: [Offscreen] Did you know that Madame Rousseau's been teaching French here for forty years now? [Onscreen] Maybe someone could do an in-depth profile. LOGAN: A loving tribute to a sadistic crone. The students, including Veronica, laugh. MS STAFFORD: The janitors work so hard and no one even pays attention to them. Maybe we could do something on them? STUDENT: [Snidely] Maybe. Further discussion is cut short by the fire alarm. Duncan throw his hands up. DUNCAN: Oh, what is with these fire drills? This is the third one this week. LOGAN: [Quietly, to Veronica] Maybe we should do a story on oxycontin use in the administration office. Veronica laughs again. MS STAFFORD: Okay, Pirates. Single file. Straight line. At the front of the room, Ms Stafford is handling the drill in pep squad manner, a fact not lost on Logan. He jumps up enthusiastically. LOGAN: Heads up, chests out, big smiles. Ready? Okay. The students file out. In the corridor, Veronica leads Duncan, Logan, the other students out as Ms Stafford catches up with her. MS STAFFORD: You know what? There's a good story for you, the fire drills. VERONICA: A fire drill story! Someone alert the Pulitzer Committee. MS STAFFORD: You'll find a way to make it interesting. I believe in you. Duncan, close behind them, smiles. Ms Stafford rushes on ahead as Duncan pulls next to Veronica. DUNCAN: Not exactly Ms Dent, is she? VERONICA: Not even close. She was overly peppy as my pep squad advisor, as a journalism teacher, she's a nightmare. DUNCAN: Lots of stories about bake sales and blue ribbons. VERONICA: Why, oh, why did Ms Dent let herself get knocked up? Cut to Mr Clemmons at the open drawer of a filing cabinet. VERONICA: [Offscreen, in hard-nosed journalist mode] So what's the skinny on the fire drills, Mr C? Faulty hotplate in the faculty lounge? As Clemmons digests the less-than-welcome questions, the camera pans out to reveal Veronica sitting in front of his desk. VERONICA: Gremlin gumming up the works? CLEMMONS: No, we're simply following the district-wide policy for mid-semester fire drills. We've let ourselves get a bit behind. VERONICA: Really? Because if memory serves, it was like one or two a year. There have been three this week alone. CLEMMONS: [Closing the drawer and heading back to his desk] I'm sorry there's not a more entertaining explanation. It's just district policy. [Sitting] Now if you'll excuse me, I have some paperwork to catch up on. He looks at her impatiently. Veronica exits. Cut to Ms Stafford at her desk in the journalism room. Veronica enters. MS STAFFORD: How's the story coming? VERONICA: I'm blowing the lid off the fire safety policy. Hey, do you know how I can find out what the official district mandate is? MS STAFFORD: Have you spoken to Miss Roush? She's the Assistant Superintendent; she's definitely your source. [Checking her notebook] Um, I think I've got her number. Here. VERONICA: [Pointing to the phone on Ms Stafford's desk] May I? MS STAFFORD: Of course. Ms Stafford leaves Veronica to it. She perches on the desk and dials. The phone is answered by a woman with a distinctive, raspy voice. MISS ROUSH: Ellen Roush. VERONICA: Miss Roush, this is Veronica Mars. I'm doing an article for the "Navigator", the school paper at Neptune High. MISS ROUSH: How can I help you? VERONICA: I just wanted to clarify something. How many fire drills does the district mandate each semester? MISS ROUSH: Just one is our policy. Cut to Veronica in a school hall empty save for Corny, who is staring blankly into his locker. VERONICA: Something wrong, Corny? CORNY: Yeah, I came to get something out of my locker but I can't remember what it was. Mmrraa. [Turning to Veronica] Hey I was thinking of busting out of here. Maybe go to White Castle. Wanna come with? VERONICA: There's no White Castle in Neptune. CORNY: It's kind of an expression. Veronica looks up, over Corny's shoulder, at the sounds of doors opening. CORNY: What's wrong? Corny looks round to see a security man with a dog entering the school. CORNY: Oh, crap! Corny takes a small bag of what is obviously illegal substances from his locker and sticks it down the front of his trousers. He closes his locker and, scared shitless, walks away from the threat only to walk straight into two more security men with dogs. VARIOUS SECURITY: Here. Okay, well, I'll check that door. Much to his relief, they ignore him as they pass on either side of him. VARIOUS SECURITY: How's she holding up? Veronica is intrigued and takes photos of the security men. Cut to Clemmons office. CLEMMONS' ASSISTANT: Excuse me, Mr Clemmons? [Pointing to the phone on his desk] That's Ellen Roush from the district office. Clemmons is uncomfortable as he picks up the phone. CLEMMONS: Hello. TELEPHONE: Van, I received a call from a very pushy student of yours who's doing a newspaper story. CLEMMONS: Yes, I know the girl that you're talking about. She should never have called you. TELEPHONE: Well, she did and she has quite a fresh attitude. CLEMMONS: Yes. I spend half my waking hours trying to keep her out of my hair. TELEPHONE: Mr Clemmons, she gave me the impression that you've been exceeding your fire drill limits. CLEMMONS: No, uh, look, I've been trying to keep this under my hat but we have had a series of bomb threats and as a precautionary measure, I brought in the bomb squad. Cut to the other end of the conversation. It's Veronica in the journalism room, imitating Ms Roush. VERONICA: Well that's very disturbing news, Mr Clemmons. Please let us know if there's anything we can do. Veronica cuts off the phone and ponders. Cut to a mock up of the front page of the "Neptune High School Navigator". The headline reads: Bomb Threats Force Evacuations. It is set against a graphic of a clock and dynamite upon which the headline and two photos, one of the security men and their dogs, the other of students pouring out of the school, are superimposed. It has some editing marks in red. Ms Stafford is holding it, sitting at the large table in the journalism room. Veronica and Duncan are standing behind her, on either side of her. MS STAFFORD: You're positive about this, Veronica. VERONICA: Mr Clemmons confirmed it. It's accurate. MS STAFFORD: But is it responsible? DUNCAN: This is exactly what newspapers are supposed to do. MS STAFFORD: Then what are we waiting for? We're burning daylight here. Cut to after the publication of the "Navigator". Students are reading about it, talking about it, worried about it and Veronica catches various conversations as she heads down the hallway. VARIOUS STUDENTS: It's crazy. Are you kidding me, I mean, is this supposed to be real? Dude, it's right on the front page. Are you staying? Are you kidding me? I'm going home. I'd rather not be here when the school blows up. I'm going with you. Dude, this is serious. WALLACE: You won't believe how insane the administration office is. Wallace comes up behind her. WALLACE: Phones ringing off the hook. Parents going off on Clemmons. He wants to see you in his office, by the way. VERONICA: He does? I'm beginning to think he has a crush on me. Cut to the newspaper headline which is dropped to reveal a very unhappy Clemmons, tearing a strip off Veronica and Ms Stafford. CLEMMONS: Let me be clear as I explain something. The Neptune "Navigator" is not the "Washington Post". You don't have carte blanche to print whatever you choose. MS STAFFORD: Was story inaccurate? CLEMMONS: That's not the issue. VERONICA: It's not? CLEMMONS: No, it's not. Our very real duty to protect the student body trumps your non-existent right to a free student press. MS STAFFORD: But Mr Clemmons, isn't a newspaper supposed to be- CLEMMONS: And what exactly is your journalism background, Ms Stafford? MS STAFFORD: I was on my high school year book staff. CLEMMONS: Then what do you say we play to our strengths and stick to pictures of smiling kids engaged in the multitude of enriching activities that Neptune has to offer. And Veronica, who was this highly placed source in the administration that confirmed your story? VERONICA: Um, that would be you. CLEMMONS: I most certainly was not. VERONICA: [Imitating Ellen Roush again] Mr Clemmons, the fresh girl gave me the impression you had been exceeding your fire drill limits. Clemmons leans back in his chair, appalled. VERONICA: Where are the threats coming from anyway, a student? CLEMMONS: Veronica, I did not invite you in here for a follow up interview. This is a disciplinary meeting. You should feel lucky that you're not suspended. VERONICA: Maybe you'd be doing me a favour. CLEMMONS: And Ms Stafford. You need to use better judgement in the future. No more stories on this subject. Am I understood? MS STAFFORD: Completely. CLEMMONS: I may have made a mistake in allowing a pep squad advisor to substitute for a journalism teacher. Cut to Veronica's English class. Mrs Murphy paces a room that includes Norris Clayton and, seated next to him, Ben, who is drawing in a notebook. MRS MURPHY: Who would like to compare the character of the three Karamazov brothers? I'd like to hear from someone who hasn't spoken today. Ben? BEN: I didn't read it. I thought maybe I'd wait for the mini-series. Veronica looks over at him. MRS MURPHY: I don't know where you expect to end up in life with your attitude, Ben. BEN: Well, I wouldn't worry about it Mrs Murphy. It doesn't matter. In the end we all wind up in the same place. Six feet under. The class fills with whispered responses as Ben glances at an approving Norris. Veronica is not so impressed and stares hard at him. She then looks up and sees another student, Pete, who shakes his head. Cut to the Mars apartment. Veronica gets two cans of drinks from the fridge and walks uncomfortably back towards her room. She is uncomfortable because Keith and Alicia are sitting close to each other on the couch, Keith's arm around Alicia, watching an old black and white movie, "Storm Warning" on tv. TV: "And that doesn't include your plan. Your plan murdered him, you know." "It was an accident. We're all sorry about it. You have to think of all the good that came out of it�" In Veronica's room, Wallace is pacing. WALLACE: What's happening? VERONICA: [Handing Wallace one of the cans] They're still watching a movie. He has his arm around her. WALLACE: Uh, he's not�groping her or anything, is he? VERONICA: [Retaliating] No, but earlier I saw him cutting a hole in the bottom of his popcorn bucket. WALLACE: That's not funny. VERONICA: Yeah, well my dad's not a groper. WALLACE: Do you think they're serious? What does your dad say? VERONICA: That's the good thing. We don't have to worry. It won't last long. It can't. WALLACE: What does that mean? VERONICA: My mom's in rehab. When she gets cleaned up, she's coming home. WALLACE: And where does my mom fit into that plan? Veronica shrugs. WALLACE: So, I guess she's just a placeholder then? Somebody to keep your dad from being lonely until the woman who dumped him decides she's ready to come back? VERONICA: What do you expect me to say, Wallace? This is my family. Two minutes ago, you didn't want them dating either. WALLACE: Yeah, I probably wish Mom would've found a guy who wasn't my best friend's dad, but�Mom hasn't found a decent guy since my dad died and if she's just gonna get burned, I need to tell her right now. VERONICA: You can't. WALLACE: Why not. VERONICA: Wallace, wait, do me a favour and just wait a few weeks. WALLACE: I gotta say, Veronica. I'm getting a little tired of doing you favours. Unhappy and angry, Wallace heads out to the living room. He stares for a moment at Keith and Alicia, comfortably cosy together. TV: "You always said that what happened to one of us happened to us all." "Get away from me." ALICIA: [Softly] She's like the, the private witness. KEITH: I don't know. TV: "�figure it out Bits�" WALLACE: Hey, we need to get going. TV: "Think it over." ALICIA: Honey, we're still watching the movie. Keith and Alicia look up at him, surprised. WALLACE: It's getting kind of late. TV: "Oh, Hank, Hank." Alicia glances up at Keith, both understanding. ALICIA: Okay. Cut to Alicia and Wallace walking outside, heading for the car. ALICIA: Did you and Veronica have a fight? WALLACE: No. ALICIA: I know this is uncomfortable for you. But I'm counting on you to be mature about this. Stopping at the car.. WALLACE: I am. I'm just looking out for you. ALICIA: Well, you don't have to, 'cause I'm a big girl. WALLACE: Yeah, I do. There's something you need to know. ALICIA: Wallace. WALLACE: Just listen. ALICIA: I don't want to hear it. WALLACE: Well you need to hear it. ALICIA: No, I don't. What I need is for you to see how happy I am. This is the first time that I actually feel at home in this town. Keith is a very good man and that is all I need to know right now. Let me have this. Please. Cut to Veronica at school, walking down the hallway. She can hear Pete's voice and on rounding the door, can see Pete in deep discussion with Mac. She waits a bit before interrupting. PETE: Wait, how can you even have an opinion on Ubuntu if you haven't tried it? Two six kernel, Live CD, they even had GNOME 2.O the day Warty Warthog came out. MAC: I'm sorry. I'm perfectly content with OS X. I have all the awk/grep-ance that I want without any need for that pitiful font de-uglification. PETE: But the fonts are de-uglified and it's free. You know, fine, you know, live in the dark ages. MAC: I know what I like and I like what I know. VERONICA: Hey, that iPod Mini is something else, isn't it? MAC: Hi, Veronica. VERONICA: Hey. I'm sorry to interrupt. Mac, would you mind taking a look at my computer? I can't get it to boot up. MAC: Sure, um, could I take it with me though, I gotta boogie. VERONICA: Yeah, everything important is password protected. MAC: Like I really care who you have a crush on. Mac exits. PETE: Hey, Veronica, can I talk to you about something. VERONICA: Yeah, sure. PETE: I have some information for you. Confidential information. VERONICA: My favourite kind. PETE: It's about your story, about the bomb threats. VERONICA: Yeah? PETE: Well, it got me thinking. The other day I was riding my bike to school and I passed by this vacant lot and I saw Norris and that new kid, Ben. They were throwing tennis balls at stray cats. VERONICA: Uncool, but�I don't get it. PETE: [Dramatically] The tennis balls were exploding. Veronica closes her locker and waits as Wallace arrives and opens his. VERONICA: Hey, last night, you said something. Am I really your best friend? WALLACE: Who else you seen around? Veronica smiles broadly. WALLACE: [Without looking at her and smiling despite himself] Quit smiling at me. Veronica lets out a soft laugh. Looking beyond Wallace, she sees Ben and Norris. VERONICA: Hey, what do you think of this new kid, Ben? Heard anything? WALLACE: You're unbelievable. VERONICA: Why? What makes you say that? WALLACE: 'Cause you want me to go get his file, don't you? Veronica smiles guiltily. WALLACE: You're so predictable. VERONICA: It's for the greater good, Wallace. Doesn't he look like total bomb threat material. WALLACE: I'd check out his friend. Clemmons made him turn his shirt inside out. VERONICA: Why? What'd it say? WALLACE: "Kill 'em all. Let God sort 'em out." Wallace shuts his locker and leaves as Veronica continues to watch Ben and Norris. Cut to Veronica at a computer. She pulls up KillemAll.net. To the accompaniment of a demonic laugh, the screen shows a countdown. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Forty six hours, fifteen minutes�until what? Cut to lunch. Wallace is at a table with some of the other basketball players. Veronica, at a table by herself, watches, in a bit of a hump. Duncan and Meg pass and on seeing Veronica, Meg brings them to a stop. MEG: Veronica's sitting by herself. DUNCAN: No, Meg. MEG: Come on, be nice. Virtually dragging Duncan behind her, Meg approaches Veronica. MEG: Hey, you mind if we� VERONICA: Yeah, sit. Carlita, Biff, Rocco, make some room. Imaginary friends. Meg sits next to Veronica. Duncan sits opposite Veronica but will not look at her and is clearly very unhappy. MEG: So the whole school is talking about your article. You think the threats are real? VERONICA: Let's hope not. Ice cold fries, anyone? Veronica smiles at Duncan who resolutely refuses to look at her or engage. MEG: No, thanks. So, ar-are you working on any interesting cases with your father? VERONICA: Well, that Maltese Falcon is still eluding us, but I'm not allowed to talk about the cases. A confidentiality thing. MEG: Duh. Course. Meg laughs. Veronica looks over at Duncan and comes to a decision. VERONICA: You know, there is one case that's sort of interesting. I'll just leave out the names. Successful entertainment attorney, divorced his wife, owed her like half a million dollars in alimony and child support money, literally erased himself off the face of the earth. MEG: How do you go about doing that? VERONICA: First, you get your hands on all the cash you can. Using cash is key. Ditch your cell phone for a pre-paid jobber, move around in a rental car paid for with a debit/credit card and a fake driver's license, cross over the border if possible. If you're really adventurous, you buy an old passport off eBay and do an extreme makeover on it. DUNCAN: Excuse me. Duncan picks up his books and walks away. VERONICA: Ah, the shop talk buzz kill. MEG: It's not you. He's been acting weird all day. Well, I'll catch you later. Meg exits. Veronica looks over to another table, where Norris and Ben are in deep conversation. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Ben and Norris. Is it possible these two are just biding their time, waiting for the moment they can blow the school sky high? Norris earned his reputation as a thug and bully back in junior high. Flashback. Post-Lilly, pre-rape Veronica is staring at Duncan, sitting at an 09er table with Logan. A spitball lands on the book open in front of Veronica. She brushes it away and look at another 09er table next to Duncan from where the spitball has come. Another boy from that table blows another spitball, this one landing in her hair. She runs her fingers through her hair, trying to get rid of it . VERONICA VOICEOVER: But, I have seen another side. Norris approaches the 09er table. He takes the loaded straw of the one who last taunted Veronica and spits the ball into the 09er's face. Norris drops the straw, leans over the table and glares. The 09er leaves. Norris looks over at Veronica and smiles a little. She responds in gratitude. Cut back to present. VERONICA VOICEOVER: So let's check in, see where his head space is these days. Veronica approaches Norris and Ben. VERONICA: Hi. I'm doing a poll for the Neptune "Navigator". BEN: [Sarcastic] Wow, how vital. NORRIS: What's the question? VERONICA: Okay. World War III starts tomorrow. You can share your bomb shelter with three other people. Who would they be? BEN: You know what? I actually think I'd be a casualty of war so I don't think the question really applies to me. NORRIS: Bruce Lee, Joe Strummer, Sam Kinison. VERONICA: They're all dead. Okay, other. In the school hall, Wallace catches up with Veronica. WALLACE: You could have sat with me. VERONICA: I thought you were making a point. WALLACE: I wasn't. There's no school file on Ben. VERONICA: Strange. WALLACE: Maybe he's too new. [Pulling it from under his jacket] I got you Norris's file. VERONICA: You're saintly. WALLACE: I get the top bunk. Veronica inspects the file. She frowns. VERONICA: Suspended for violent behaviour a bunch in middle school but that's what I thought. But nothing since high school. WALLACE: Maybe he's trying to keep his record clean. 'Cause he's planning something big. VERONICA: That's scary. [Genuinely] Hey, Wallace, thanks. For what it's worth, you're my best friend too. WALLACE: I'm glad you found your mom and got her some help. Should have told you that sooner. VERONICA: I should have told you that sooner. They bond. Cut to Veronica as she enters the darkened journalism room. Duncan is staring at a computer screen. He turns his head slightly to see who has entered and then turns back to looking at the screen. Veronica leans against the central table. VERONICA: That was either a really poor warm welcome or an excellent cold shoulder. DUNCAN: Logan told me you've been carrying on your own investigation of Lilly's murder. That you have files of everyone in your computer. VERONICA: That's true. DUNCAN: Is there a file on me? VERONICA: There's a file on everyone who was connected with Lilly. DUNCAN: What does mine say? He turns to look at her. VERONICA: It says that you have Type IV epilepsy, that you have mood swings, violent outbursts, that you're taking medication. DUNCAN: How do you know that? VERONICA: Doesn't matter. DUNCAN: It does matter. [Standing, angry] You've been prying into my private life. If I wanted you or anyone else to know about that, I would have told them. Who the hell do you think you are? Duncan storms off but doesn't make the door before Veronica speaks. VERONICA: I am Lilly's best friend. He turns back to look at her again. Their voices are increasingly loud as they argue. DUNCAN: Lilly is dead, her killer is in jail. VERONICA: Abel Koontz didn't kill Lilly. DUNCAN: He confessed. VERONICA: He was paid to confess. DUNCAN: Oh my god. I mean, do you even hear yourself? Who would pay? Duncan turns to go again but then stops as he realisation strikes him. DUNCAN: Us. Of course. You think someone in my family paid him. Now why would they do that, Veronica? VERONICA: I don't know. DUNCAN: To protect�me? Again he goes to leave the room until stopped short by Veronica's next question. VERONICA: Do you remember what happened that day? He is slow to turn around. DUNCAN: [Quietly] You think I killed Lilly. [Much louder, very angry and upset] How could you think that, even for a second? Duncan has marched right up to Veronica. VERONICA: Duncan, calm down. DUNCAN: [Screaming] What, do you think I'm gonna have another episode and kill you too? Veronica is shocked by not more so than Duncan, who blinks and becomes confused and terrified. He runs out of the room. Cut to Veronica, very thoughtful, as she comes back out to the lunch area. She can hear Norris and Ben have their own argument. NORRIS: All you talk about is guns. All you're talking about here is death, heavy metal music and bombs and stuff like that. BEN: It's no big deal. Just relax. NORRIS: But I can't keep hanging out with you if you're gonna keep doing that. BEN: Fine. NORRIS: Fine. BEN: Fine. Ben leaves Norris at the table. Veronica follows Ben. VERONICA VOICEOVER: A girl must prioritise. Wallowing in the grief of betraying an ex-boyfriend or following the guy most likely to blow up Neptune High. Ben gets in his car and Veronica hurries to get into hers. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Hell, give me a stick of gum to chew and I'll do all three at once. She pulls out. Cut to her parked outside the Camelot. VERONICA VOICEOVER: The Camelot Motel, premium accommodations for adulterers and rent by the half-hour hookers. Now it appears to be the destination of choice for teen Kazinski. Veronica takes pictures as Ben comes out of the motel and gets in his car. She slides down in her seat as he passes her. Cut to a large car park at a garden centre. Ben is seen with a trolley-load of fertilizer, heading for his car. He loads the back of his vehicle as Veronica watches and snaps. In the course of loading, Ben moves a large gun. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Oh my god. Veronica snaps away until her cell phone rings. She puts down the camera, glances at the caller ID and gives a wry grin. VERONICA: Yeah? Logan is outside the school. LOGAN: Hey, it's Logan. Hey, uh, just a-a heads up for you. Duncan knows about your files. VERONICA: He knows because you told him. LOGAN: [Uncomfortable but laughing] Well, yeah, I mean, what was I supposed to do? He's my best friend. VERONICA: Yeah, well, he took my head off. You would have loved it. Have you talked to him since school let out? Veronica is startled by the sound of her passenger door opening. She gasps, seeing a gun in Ben's belt and drops the phone. VERONICA: [Loudly] Oh my god, what do you think you're doing? BEN: Let's go for a ride. Logan is still listening. Cut to Veronica's car pulling out and then into the car. BEN: Make a left at the next stop. VERONICA: Where are we going? BEN: Well, you should know. You must have followed me there. VERONICA: The Camelot? BEN: Yep. I'll say this, Veronica. You're a pesky one. You're screwing everything up. VERONICA: Listen, I really think you're making a mistake, I don't know anything. BEN: Quiet. I-I-I need to think for a minute. Cut to the Camelot. Ben has a firm grip on Veronica's arm and, though she is reluctant, forces Veronica up the steps to the balconly of the motel second level. VERONICA: My dad's a private detective. If I don't check with him after school, he freaks. There will be people looking for me, armed people. BEN: I wanna show you something. Without slowing, Ben reaches into his back pocket. VERONICA: Why can't we do it someplace public. Frappacino anyone, my treat? They've reached the balcony, Ben still firmly holding Veronica. BEN: I know you think you're being a hero, but a lot of people might die 'cause of you. Logan, waiting at the top, behind the corner made by a room, punches Ben, who never saw it coming. Ben goes down and Veronica is thrown forward. The wallet that Ben retrieved from his pocket is also thrown forward. As Logan grabs the supine Ben and punches him a couple more times, Veronica looks at the wallet. VERONICA: Logan, stop. Logan stops and Veronica holds out the wallet which is in fact a badge. VERONICA: He's a federal agent. Cut to a room in the motel. Ben is gingerly touching his jaw, seated on the bed. Logan is watching him like a cat from the corner, flexing his used fist. Ben looks at him and Logan, glancing in at Veronica wetting a towel in the bathroom, moves to another corner. Veronica comes out and hands the towel to Ben who holds it up to his busted lip. [SCENE_BREAK] VERONICA: You're undercover at Neptune High? BEN: [Looking at Logan] Is it all right if he goes outside? I'd like to talk to you. LOGAN: Dream on, Jump Street. I'm not leaving you alone with her. Veronica walks over to Logan. VERONICA: [Softly] Logan, he's the real thing. Just give us a minute, all right. Logan looks a moment longer at Ben, a nasty smirk on his face, then complies. LOGAN: Fine. Don't close the door all the way. Yeah, I'll be right out here. Logan exits the room to wait on the balcony. Veronica closes the door behind him but leaves it a little open and returns her attention to Ben. VERONICA: So why Neptune? BEN: Well, part of my job at the ATF is monitoring internet traffic. Norris kept a website that was�troubling. We discovered countless emails he'd sent to other students, lots of red-flag words. VERONICA: Red-flag words? BEN: Retribution, bomb, arsenal, gun show, fertilizer, Waco, Columbine. We think that he's the leader of scores of likeminded misfits who are waiting for his signal to attack. VERONICA: Is this signal a countdown clock? Ben nods. VERONICA: If he's such a threat, why haven't you brought him in yet? Having too much fun smarting off to teachers, cat killing, kidnapping. BEN: Cat killing? VERONICA: I hear things. BEN: If there's been any cat killing, Norris has acted solo. It makes sense though. Ben stands and takes the towel back to the bathroom. BEN: Sociopaths normally get their start taking out their aggression on animals. VERONICA: Why don't you just pick him up? BEN: [Leaning against the bathroom door, arms folded] Oh, I will bust him. Be sure of that. I've got more arrests on my record than any ATF agent my age, ever. Failure's not an option. VERONICA: Wow. BEN: Problem. If we pick him up now, we can hold him for 48 hours, then we either have to charge him or release him. Now I either need evidence that he's hoarding banned weapons or I need to get my hands on the list of the names of the people he's been corresponding with. VERONICA: Why are you telling me all this? BEN: [Fingering his jaw] I need your help. I need you to get close to him. VERONICA: Isn't that your job? BEN: I pushed him too hard. Spooked him. Now I'm screwed if I don't get him off the streets by tomorrow. I've been to his house but I haven't been in his bedroom or the garage. VERONICA: And how do you expect me to swing an invitation to his bedroom and/or his garage? BEN: Easy. He likes you. VERONICA: He likes me? "Likes me" likes me? Ben comes into the room and stops in front of Veronica. BEN: Yeah, he's mentioned it on more than an few occasions. Veronica, your school needs your help. Your government needs your help. If you need an in, he loves talking about his ancient weapon collection. From outside the room, the door opens as Veronica steps out onto the balcony. "Momentary Thing" from Something Happens starts up as she pulls the door to behind her. She walks up to the waiting Logan, the look on her face soft and grateful. LOGAN: You okay. VERONICA: Um-hm. She stands in front of Logan and he leans back against the wall. She pauses and the lyrics kick in. SONG: She's cutting off her hair again� Veronica leans forward to kiss him. Wherever she intended, she actually kisses him on the corner of his mouth and Logan instinctively puckers his mouth, surprised. He straightens, staring down at her intently. Veronica, equally surprised, stares back and then shakes her head in disbelief at what she has done. SONG: �Says "This is all of me". Veronica turns to walk away. Logan reaches out and takes her arm and as she spins round, he lowers his head to kiss her. She meets him in a long, hard, passionate kiss, their arms pulling each other close, their hands uncertain, the full length of their bodies leaning into each other. The music swells. SONG: �After all, well, isn't this just a momentary thing It's not like it's permanent or any heavy thing� They break the kiss and for a brief moment continue to hold each other. They part a little further, Veronica's face is a mix of wonder and disbelief, while Logan's eyes dart over her features as if etching them in his soul. SONG: �Shut me up, I guess, I guess, I guess� Logan's hands are on Veronica's waist and as he starts to gently circle his hands, the movement seems to alert him to the uncertainty of her reaction and he drops his hands awkwardly. Veronica is brought to her senses by this and turns, hurrying away. Logan nearly takes a step forward to follow before thinking better of it but his eyes never leave her as she makes her way down to her car. SONG: �Stirring me up, yes, yes, yes� At the car, Veronica pauses, looking up at Logan whose stare has lost none of its intensity. With something between a shiver, a shudder and a shrug, Veronica gets in her car and drives out of the motel, Logan gazing after her. SONG: �'Cause we'll get along, yeah, we'll get along- Cut to Veronica exiting her car in front of a modest house. She goes up to the door. Cut to the hallway of Norris's home as he and Veronica head for his bedroom. VERONICA: Thanks for doing this, Norris. My dad's really been struggling with this case. NORRIS: It's no problem at all. VERONICA: I brought some pictures of the stolen weapons if that helps. Veronica is startled to see that Norris's bedroom door is padlocked. NORRIS: [Unlocking the padlock] My parents are a little nosy. VERONICA: It's probably more effective than the "Mind Your Own Beeswax" sign I have on my door. Although it does have a picture of an angry kitty on it. Veronica wrinkles her nose and pulls her hand into a claw. It's lame and she knows it. Norris gets the door open and they both enter his room. A life sized poster of Bruce Lee graces the door. He has weapons all over the room, on the walls, on display stands, leaning against bookcases. Veronica's eyes widen. NORRIS: So, this is my weapon collection. VERONICA: You must feel really safe at night, when the dragons come. Uh, here are the pictures. Veronica hands Norris a photo album. NORRIS: Do you, uh, wanna sit down? VERONICA: Are you kidding? I wanna look at these weapons. They're so pointy. Norris sits down at his desk, in front of his laptop. He pulls up a page: Dragon Slayer. Veronica is looking at a long sword leaning against the bookcase. VERONICA: This one's very "Braveheart". NORRIS: [Chuffed at her recognition] That's a replica of William Wallace's sword. I've seen that movie like 50 times. VERONICA: A-anything you recognise? NORRIS: Yeah, the Tachi Sword. I'll write down the price. VERONICA: [Spotting his computer] Is that wireless? NORRIS: Yeah. My dad's a programmer over at Kane Software, so we get all the latest technology. We were one of the first household in the country to have Wi-Fi. [Referring to one of the pictures in the album Veronica produced] I have a replica of this. [Pointing to an empty space on the wall behind him] It's, uh, it was right over there but I think it-I think it fell. VERONICA: I'll look for it. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Now if I were a pipe bomb, where would I be? Veronica moves to the wall, against which Norris's bed rests. She bends down and feels under the bed. She pulls out a magazine. It is "Taut Blonde". VERONICA VOICEOVER: Great! I'm his type. She quickly pushes it back under the bed just as it occurs to Norris that he might have things that he wouldn't want her to see. He turns to look at her. NORRIS: Ah, actually, don't even worry, I'll find it later. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Maybe he keeps his arsenal in the garage. So how do I get into the garage without playing dungeon with this whack job? Veronica picks up a throwing star.. NORRIS: Uh, you ever throw one? VERONICA: Can't say that I have. NORRIS: I got a target in the garage if you wanna try it. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Huh. That was easy. I think it, it happens. Veronica smiles and nods. Norris is thrilled by her interest. Cut to the garage. Veronica is poised to throw the star. VERONICA: Detention? Me? I think not, Mr Clemmons. She throws. The star hits the hand of a target. VERONICA: Try filling out that form left handed. How come these are rubber? NORRIS: Um, they're just for practice. Uh, next time, I'll let you try a real one. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Am I crazy or is bomb boy flirting with me? VERONICA: No question about it, the Japanese have the coolest weapons. Veronica spots a chest at the side of the garage and opens it. VERONICA: Shall I just put these in here? NORRIS: [Scarily approaching and standing over her] No, you can just hand them back to me. [Happily] My dad said that if I keep my grades up, I can tour Japan this summer. You know there's a Kurasawa retrospective over at the Paragon this weekend. You think, maybe you'd like to go? [On Veronica's stare] It's cool. It can just be like�a friends thing. Veronica smiles and nods. Cut to outside Norris's house, where Veronica uses her (? So what did she give Mac?) laptop in the car. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Okay, I came up empty on the weapons search but there's one place I can check for his address book. If I can access the Clayton family wireless system from out here, I'm gold. Veronica manages to link to the Clayton Wi-Fi. VERONICA: Exxxxcellent. She grabs her cell and punches in a number. MAC: [Offscreen] Hello? VERONICA: Hey, Mac, it's me. I need you to walk me through something. MAC: What did you ever do before you met me? VERONICA: Ever see the first ten minutes of "2001: A Space Odyssey"? It was a lot like that. Mac smiles but does not respond. VERONICA: [Explaining further] Monkeys clubbing each other- MAC: No, I�I got it. VERONICA: Mac, if you were planning the Apocalypse on Friday, would you ask someone out on a date for that weekend? MAC: Me? That's the only way I'd ask someone out. Veronica spots Pete, heading for the house next door to Norris. MAC: [Offscreen] Veronica? Pete turns and spots Veronica. MAC: [Offscreen] Earth to Mars. Pete waves and Veronica gives a small wave back. She is thinking. MAC: [Offscreen] Dude, where'd you go? Pete enters his house. Cut to Veronica's bedroom. She has some school records spread on the desk. She is using the phone. VERONICA: [Urgently] Norris, pick up, pick up, pick up. It's Veronica. [Pause] Okay. If you get this, call me before tomorrow. Veronica opens her laptop. The demonic laugh rings out for the KillemAll.net page, the count down showing 18 hours, 8 minutes and 34 seconds. Cut to Veronica exiting her car in the school parking lot. Norris has also just arrived. NORRIS: Hey. I got your message late. VERONICA: Listen, something's up. Ben isn't who he says he is and he thinks you're behind the bomb threats. As Veronica talks, a blacked out SUV pulls up behind him. Agents get out. From behind Veronica, Ben gets out of a parked car. BEN: Don't move. Put your hands where I can see 'em. Drop the keys. Norris stretches out his arms and drops his keys. VERONICA: This is crazy, you have the wrong guy. It's a joke. A hoax. BEN: I have a warrant to search your vehicle. NORRIS: Fine. Search away. One of the ATF agents picks up the keys and opens the boot of Norris's car. It is full of bags of fertilizer, a large gun resting on top. AGENT: There you go. Ben looks at Veronica in triumph. BEN: A hoax, huh? NORRIS: That's not my stuff, man. BEN: Cuff him. NORRIS: He lying, that's not my stuff. The agents circled round Ben move in. AGENT: Hands behind your back. NORRIS: I didn't do this. VERONICA: You set him up? BEN: Step back, please. [Louder, to the crowd] People, this is a crime scene. Veronica gets out her camera as Norris is led into the SUV, shouting his innocence. NORRIS: He's lying to you. Veronica takes pictures of events. Cut to Veronica in the journalism classroom, at a computer, flipping through her photos. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Agent Ben used me. I know it. Ten to one he planted the rifle and fertilizer in Norris's trunk while I was inside playing with throwing stars. All I need to do is prove it. She comes across the pictures of Ben loading his car with fertilizer. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Gro-Time Fertilizer? Ms Stafford walks the room as Veronica uses her phone. PETE: Hello. VERONICA: Pete Kamiski please. PETE: Speaking. VERONICA: Pete, it's Veronica Mars. Got a minute? PETE: Yes, yeah. VERONICA: Tomorrow, we'll be publishing a story in the "Navigator" that says you created false internet traffic through Norris Clayton's wireless internet accessible to you because you reside within a hundred feet of the Clayton house. PETE: What? VERONICA: The story goes on to say that you created the Killemall dot net website with its countdown clock and called in the bomb threats to the school in order to implicate Norris even though there was never an actual bomb. Additionally, you lied to this reporter about Norris and a young ATF agent killing stray cats. Would you care to comment on this story? PETE: Are you crazy? Do you think this is something I just do for kicks? VERONICA: You did it because you were the frequent victim of Norris's bullying you in junior high. He was expelled once for holding you down and letting a tarantula crawl across your face in earth science and again for taking your lunch money. [Pause] Pete, still there? PETE: Every day. VERONICA: Excuse me. PETE: He took my lunch money every day before we got on the bus. For two years I scrounged off my friend's plates. I finally told my dad. You know what he said? He said, "Be a man. Just pop him in the mouth once, son, and he'll back off." So I did. I popped him. Norris sent me to the hospital. You wanna know what my dad said then? VERONICA: What? PETE: He said he'd wished he'd had a son. Pete hangs up and Veronica sadly puts down the phone. MEG: Veronica? She turns and sees Meg at the door. She gets up and follows Meg out into the corridor. Meg is tearful. VERONICA: Meg, what's wrong? MEG: You haven't seen Duncan tonight, have you? VERONICA: No. He never showed�which is weird. MEG: He's missing. His parents think he may have run away. VERONICA: What? Why would they think that? MEG: His mother says that yesterday he withdrew ten thousand in cash from the bank. No one's seen him since. VERONICA: That's�bizarre. MEG: Yeah. I don't understand it, I mean, what would make him do that? Cut to Veronica and Ms Stafford in the journalism classroom. MS STAFFORD: So the ATF agent set him up? VERONICA: The photos show clearly that the same fertilizer bags I saw the agent purchase where the ones found in Norris's car and the same with the rifle. MS STAFFORD: Well, I guess we have no choice but to print it, do we. VERONICA: I was thinking about that. Maybe I could take this story down to the city paper, see if they'll publish it or maybe just put it on a website. MS STAFFORD: What fun would that be? Cut to Wallace reading the "Navigator", the headline of which reads: Bomb Threat Hoax: ATF Arrests Wrong Student. He drops the paper and joins Veronica walking down the hall. WALLACE: In case you were wondering, Mr Clemmons? Not pleased. VERONICA: I've lost sleep over it. WALLACE: Did you have to mention Norris's school records? Someone could have put two and two together. VERONICA: They will have to really speak sharply to me before I reveal my sources. Wallace laughs as Veronica heads into the journalism classroom. As she enters, Veronica's smile fades and she stops short when she sees Logan. They hold each other's gaze for a long moment until Logan breaks by looking down. He looks up at her again. Veronica is not giving anything away. Ms Stafford walks into the classroom. MS STAFFORD: Listen up everybody, I have an announcement. Veronica pulls her gaze from Logan and walks along the wall of the classroom, looking now at Ms Stafford at the front. MS STAFFORD: I just heard that Norris Clayton is being released later today. Veronica casts another glance at Logan before resting against one of the side desks. Logan sits at the large central table, watching Ms Stafford. MS STAFFORD: The charges have been dropped thanks to a certain high school newspaper's front page story. Veronica sneaks another look at Logan. MS STAFFORD: [Sadly] And I'm sorry to report that today is my last day teaching at Neptune High. Veronica is deeply affected by this announcement. MS STAFFORD: It's been a real kick working with all of you. Ms Stafford looks directly at Veronica, who smiles in response, showing genuine respect. MS STAFFORD: Now, I'd appreciate it if you could work independently. Your sub will arrive shortly. The camera follows Ms Stafford out into the hallway. Behind her, she hears Veronica's voice from the open classroom door. VERONICA: Okay buckaroos, we're burning daylight in here. We need stories. Who's got something? Ms Stafford grins. End.
Plan: A: Veronica; Q: Who is kidnapped by a suspect? A: bomb threats; Q: What type of threats has Neptune High been receiving? A: Duncan; Q: Who leaves town when he learns that Veronica is still investigating Lilly's death? Summary: Veronica discovers that Neptune High has been receiving bomb threats, and is kidnapped by a suspect while investigating the case. Logan intervenes to save Veronica, and they end up kissing. Duncan learns that Veronica is still investigating Lilly's death, and leaves town.
The Sunnydale cemetery at night. The camera fades in on a gravestone-- Andrew Hoelich, 1981-1998--and slowly pans down to the ground in front of it. A bouquet of fresh flowers is there. A hand comes out of the freshly filled grave and claws for solid ground. Slowly Andrew pulls himself out of his grave, now a newly made vampire. He growls when his head clears the earth, and continues to climb out on his stomach. He crawls along the ground, pulling out his legs as the camera pulls back, and stops when he sees a pair of wide-spread legs standing before him. He looks up to see who it is. Willow: That's right, Big Boy. Cut to Willow. Willow: (smiles mischievously) Come and get it. Andrew suddenly hops to his feet and roars at her. Taken aback by this, Willow takes a few quick steps backward. The vampire takes two steps toward her. Xander grabs him by the collar of his suit and pulls him back away from Willow. Andrew loses his balance in the process. Xander: I got him! Go! Oz jumps out from behind a bush and starts to run toward them, but then hesitates a moment to get a stake from his jacket pocket. Xander: Any time now . . . Andrew has regained his balance, and using Xander's grip to stabilize himself, kicks up with both legs and does a double pike snapping kick to Oz's face. Oz stumbles backward and falls. Without pausing, Andrew leaps up again and does a back tuck over Xander's head. Xander tries to rush him, but Andrew uses his momentum to deflect him into Willow. They both go crashing to the ground. Willow moans, but quickly sits up to watch Andrew run away. Willow: He's getting away! And . . . ow. Oz scrambles to his feet and picks up his stake. He watches the demon running and holds his stake by the tip, preparing to throw it like a knife. Andrew leaps over a rock and continues running. Oz throws the stake. It whistles through the air as it flies end over end, and hits a gravestone, bouncing off of it with a loud thunk and flying wild. Oz: (shaking his head) That really never works. Willow and Xander get up, and Oz turns to them. Oz: Are you guys all right? Xander: First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen? Oz: (looking in the direction that Andrew went) Wasn't Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team? Xander: (gestures with his arm) That's right, he was! (shouting after Andrew) Cheater! Oz gives Xander a brief look and then stares into the distance again looking for Andrew. Xander: (to Willow) Okay, and the, uh, second problem I'm having . . . 'Come and get it, Big Boy'? Willow: Well . . . (stammering) W-well, the Slayer always says a pun or-or a witty play on words, and I think it throws the vampires off, and, and it makes them *frightened* because I'm wisecracking. Okay, I didn't really have a chance to work on that one, but *you* try it every time. Oz: Uh, if I may suggest: 'This time it's personal.' I mean, there's a reason why it's a classic. Xander: (steps away) I've always been amazed with how Buffy fought, but . . . (picks up his bag) in a way, I feel like we took her punning for granted. (steps back) Willow: (gives Xander a scolding look) Xander, past tense rule. Xander: Oh, sorry. I just meant we in the past took it for granted and, uh . . . we won't when she gets back. Willow: Do you think Buffy knows school's starting tomorrow? Oz: Tomorrow. (Willow looks at him) Right. Big day. Willow: (goes to Oz) Oh, I'm gonna be busy a lot. But, but only till 3:00, and that's when you usually get up. Xander: I can't wait to see Cordelia. (pauses) I can't believe I can't wait to see Cordelia. Willow: (smiling) I wonder what our first homework assignment's gonna be. Xander puts his hands on his hips and gives her a look. Willow: Hey, you're excited over Cordelia, okay? We've all got issues. Oz: I guess we should pack it in. Xander: Yeah. They all start to walk away from Andrew's grave. Willow: Wouldn't it be great if Buffy just showed up tomorrow? Like nothing happened? Xander: She can't just show up, she got kicked out. Willow: Well, yeah, I-I know. I just wish . . . I wish we knew where she was. Cut to a Los Angeles beach. A wave crashes on the sand. In the far distance a pier stretches out into the water. Buffy steps into view, walking barefoot across the sand. She stops and looks out over the ocean. She closes her eyes and raises her head to just feel the sun on her face and listen to the waves come in. The camera pans down from her face to her waist. A pair of hands reach around her and clasp in front, and she covers them with hers. The camera pans back up to her face. She looks back at Angel leaning his head over her shoulder. She reaches up with her hand and brushes it against his cheek. Buffy: How did you find me here? Angel: If I was blind, I would see you. She lowers her hand to take his again at her waist and closes her eyes. She embraces his arms tightly to her. Buffy: Stay with me. Angel: Forever. That's the whole point. I'll never leave. (whispering into her ear) Not even if you kill me. Buffy's expression turns from contented to dismayed. Cut to Buffy's tiny apartment in a run-down downtown Los Angeles neighborhood. She wakes from her dream and looks around sadly. Slowly she gets up and goes over to the window overlooking the street below. The camera pans away from the window, past the sidewalk and into the street. A police siren gets louder as it nears, and an instant later an LAPD squad car races across the intersection at the end of the block against the red light. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ Behind the counter at a small, sleazy diner named Helen's Kitchen. The cook puts two burgers with fries up on the pick-up counter. A waitress walks past the counter to hang an order on the spinner. Buffy walks behind her to pick up the two burgers. She has her hair in two short braids to keep it out of the way. Her expression emotes a combination of sadness and boredom. She takes the two plates, walks them over to a nearby table and sets them down in front of two roughneck types. They both eye her lecherously. Buffy takes out her order pad. Buffy: Anything else? Roughneck: That'll do us, Peaches. She tears off their bill and puts it on the table. Buffy: Pay at the counter. Roughneck: Sure you don't want me to work it off for you? The other roughneck laughs at that. Buffy walks away, and as she goes he reaches out with his hand and slaps her on the behind. Buffy stops in her tracks. The two men just chuckle. She turns her head slightly, but thinks better of doing anything about it. She walks up to another table where a young couple is sitting. They are too into each other to notice Buffy. Buffy: You guys ready? Rickie: (still looking at his girl) Yeah. I think we're good. Um . . . (looks at Buffy's name tag) 'Anne'. Buffy glances at them briefly, then looks down at her pad to take their order. Buffy: What'll you have? Rickie reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Rickie: Well, okay . . . What can we get with this? He dumps the change onto the table. It's mostly pennies, a few nickels and dimes, no quarters. Buffy: Um . . . Lily: (to Rickie) Can we get cake? Rickie: (to Lily) Don't be stupid. We gotta eat healthy. We can't have cake. (to Buffy) Can we get pie? Buffy: We've got a peach pie. (writes the order) I can't guarantee there's a peach in it. Lily: (to Rickie) We shouldn't have blown all our money. Rickie: (to Lily) Come on, it was worth it. Lily smiles. Rickie looks up at Buffy as the two of them hold out their forearms. Rickie: Hey, check this out. Buffy looks at their arms as they hold them out together and sees they each have a tattoo of half of a heart with a ribbon across it. On their respective halves of the ribbon they have the other's name tattooed. Buffy: It's nice. It's nice and, uh, permanent. (smiles weakly) Rickie: (looking at Lily) Yeah, forever. (puts his arm around Lily) I mean, that's the whole point. Lily looks at him and smiles. Buffy looks down sadly. A moment later she looks up at Lily, and there's a spark of recognition in her face. Lily looks up at Buffy and thinks she also recognizes her. Lily: Hey, do I know you? Buffy: (looks away) I don't think so. Lily: (looks harder) Really? Where're you from? Buffy: (avoids the issue) I'll get your pie. Lily watches as Buffy goes to the cash register. Rickie distracts her, and they are in their own little world again. At the register Buffy puts down the order. The other waitress looks at her. Buffy: I'm not feeling great. (unties her apron) Do you think you can cover for me? Waitress: Sure. (looks at the order) Okay. Buffy gives Rickie and Lily one last look and goes out of the diner. Cut to the Sunnydale High School library. Students are busy looking for books they will need during the semester. Willow and Giles walk out of the stacks on the mezzanine level. Willow has several books in her arms. Giles: So, no joy at the cemetery? They come down the stairs. Willow: No, he got away. We still have some glitches in the system, like . . . vampires getting away. But I think we're improving. (smiles) They split up as Giles heads through the door to go behind the check-out counter. Giles: For God's sake be careful. (they meet at the counter) I mean, uh, I appreciate your efforts to keep the vampire population down until Buffy returns, but, uh . . . Well, if anything should happen to you and . . . you should be killed, I should take it somewhat amiss. Giles scans Willow's books to check them out. Willow: You'd be cranky? Giles: Entirely. Willow: Well, we try not to get killed. (the phone in Giles' office rings) That's part of our whole mission statement. 'Don't get killed.' She takes the books and stacks them together again. Giles: Good, good. (taps on one of her books) I think you're going to love that one. (goes to get the phone) Willow picks the books up and starts out of the library. Before she can take more than a few steps, Cordelia comes up to her. Willow: Hi! Cordelia: Hey, Willow. (puts her bag on the counter) Willow: How was your summer? Cordelia: Oh, I can't believe you brought that up. Las Palmas was the nightmare resort. They order you around and make you have organized (makes quotes with her fingers) 'fun', and I used sarcastic quote marks. (takes her bag and starts out) Plus the fact there are cockroaches in Mexico big enough to own property. It was all about dread. How was your summer? Willow: Oh, it was okay. They walk through the library doors and into the hall. Cordelia: Is Xander around? Willow: Well, uh, yeah. Somewhere. They stop in the hall. Cordelia: Good. Great. I haven't seen him yet. (pulls her hair behind her ears) Do I look okay? Willow: Oh, yeah! (nods and smiles) Cordelia: (worried) How's my hair? Willow: Uh, it's good! (smiles) Cordelia: He didn't meet anybody over the summer, did he? No, who's he gonna meet in Sunnydale, but monsters and stuff? But then again he's always been attracted to monsters. (worried) How's my hair? Willow: Still good. She turns to leave and sees Oz. Willow: (smiles hugely) Hi! Cordelia grabs her arm and turns her around to look at her. Cordelia: Maybe he's forgotten me. (lets go) Well, I'll just have to make him remember. (smiles) See ya. (walks off) Willow: (turns back to Oz) You came to visit me. (sees his books) You came with books? Are they books for me? Oz: Well, actually, they're kind of for me. Willow: I don't get it. Oz: Well, it's sort of a funny story. (they walk) You remember when I didn't graduate? Willow: Well, I know you had a lot of incompletes, but that's what summer school was for. Oz: Yeah. Well, you remember when I didn't go? Two students run past them, and the camera follows them down the hall past a teacher. Teacher: Whoa. Slow down, people. (they stop running) Summer is over. Be somber. Willow and Oz walk by as the teacher goes back into his classroom. Willow: But you never said anything. How am I supposed to react to this rather alarming news? Oz: Well, actually, I was pretty much banking on you finding it cute. Willow: Well, traditionally, you know, repeating a grade isn't exactly a turn-on. (they stop by the lounge) A-and you're practically a genius. You're Mr. Test Scores. I-it's all a little weird. Oz: So the cute thing is out? Xander rushes up to them. Xander: Have you guys seen Cordelia? Willow: Yeah. She's around here somewhere. Xander: I don't want to come on too geeky, but, uh, okay, I'm psyched! (flashes a big grin) There's gonna be some heat, if you know what I mean, so you guys might want to duck and cover. (Willow sighs) And I'm starting to be geeky. (grins again) Okay, bye. (he goes, but comes right back) How's my-- Willow: (interrupts) Your hair is fine. Xander: (big grin) Cool. (darts away) Larry and another jock walk behind Willow and Oz, and the camera follows them into the lounge. Larry: This is our year, I'm telling you. Best football season ever. I'm so in shape, I'm a rock. (they stop by the vending machines) It's all about egg whites. If we can focus, keep discipline, and not have quite as many mysterious deaths, Sunnydale is gonna *rule*! Willow and Oz walk into the lounge on the other side of the tables. Willow: I'm trying to get to cute, really. But I'm still sorta stuck on 'strange'. Oz: Well, I'd be willing to bargain down to 'eccentric' with an option on 'cool'. They walk past the raised area where the couches are. Behind them Xander and Cordelia finally meet. The camera closes in on them. Xander: Hey! Cordelia: Hey. Xander: Good summer? Cordelia: It was all right. Xander: Cool! Cordelia: (sounding disappointed) Yeah. They stand around looking uncertain for a moment. Xander: Well, I'll see ya. Cordelia: Yeah, whatever. He turns and goes down the steps. Cordelia walks the other way toward the hall. Cut to Buffy's apartment. She's sitting calmly on the edge of her bed in her nightshirt, holding a can of Spaghetti-O's in her lap. The camera pans up from the can to her face. She just stares blankly into the room, breathing calmly. Cut to the street in front of Helen's Kitchen. Buffy walks along the street. A homeless man is sitting on the curb. Ken, the local shelter operator, approaches the man and crouches down beside him, holding out one of his leaflets. Ken: Hey, how are you? Can I talk to you for a moment? I have something you might be interested in. Buffy continues walking and passes a store with a recessed entryway. A homeless woman is cowering there. Homeless woman: I'm no one. Buffy looks at the woman. Homeless woman: I'm no one. Buffy looks away and hides her face from the woman by pulling her hair behind her ear. Her expression becomes very sad. Homeless woman: I'm no one. Cut to the library. Giles is on the phone in his office. Giles: Yes? Thank you, thank you. He hangs up, puts the phone down, grabs his coat and quickly comes out of the office. Giles: I have a lead. Willow and Xander look up from doing their homework at the table. Giles: A friend in Oakland has a-a-a sketchy report of a . . . (grabs his overcoat) young girl fending off a group of vampires . . . (grabs his bag) about a week ago. (looks at his watch) There's a plane out in about an hour. Willow and Xander exchange a look. Xander: And what makes this different from the last nine leads? Giles: Well, I believe there's a meal on this flight. Xander: Look, I don't mean to poop the party here, it's just, you get your hopes all up, and then it's just a big fat raspberry, and I feel bad. Willow: But it's good that you're looking, though. You shouldn't give up. Xander: Oh, yeah. Definitely. Giles: Yes, one must try. Well, I-I-I should go. (rushes out) Willow: You don't think maybe he'll find her? Xander: I think he'll find her when she wants to be found. They go back to doing their homework. Cut to a street in L.A. at night. Buffy slowly walks along to her apartment. Behind her, Lily follows her. Lily: Anne? Buffy doesn't respond. Lily: (louder) Anne? Still no response from Buffy. Lily: Buffy? Buffy stops in her tracks. Lily catches up. Lily: Don't be mad. I won't turn you in or nothing. I guess you don't recognize me. Buffy: (thinks for a moment) Lily? Lily: I mean from before. I was calling myself Chantarelle then. I used to . . . (sighs) Well, I was in this cult that worshipped vampires. So lame, I know. Buffy: Yeah . . . I, uh, I remember. Lily: But . . . you kinda saved us. I never thanked you or anything. Buffy: Did you tell anyone who I was? Lily: Oh, no! Not-not even Rickie. I mean, I was so surprised to see you here, waiting tables . . . But I wouldn't tell. I know how it is when you gotta get lost. They start to walk again. Buffy: Do you, uh, do you live nearby? Lily: Well, there's a couple of places. Uh, they're abandoned, and a lot of people stay there. (pauses) So how come you came up with Anne? Buffy: It's my middle name. Lily: Lily's from a song. Rickie picked it. I'm always changing anyway. Chantarelle was part of my exotic phase. Buffy: It's nice. It's a . . .it's a mushroom. Lily: It is? That's really embarrassing. Buffy: Um, well, i-it's an exotic mushroom, if that's any comfort. Lily: Well, before that, I was following this loser preacher and calling myself "Sister Sunshine." Buffy: What do they call you at home? Lily looks away and doesn't respond. Buffy: I like Lily. Lily: It's cool for now. Hey, do you have any money? They stop, and Buffy gives her a surprised look. Lily: I didn't mean that like-- Well, I just mean . . . I know this guy, he's gonna have this kinda rave thing in his basement. We could go. I mean, I could show you if you had-- 'Cause I'm broke. Buffy: I-I don't think so. I just kind of . . . I want to be alone. Lily: I didn't mean to bug you. Buffy: No! I-I didn't, I didn't mean that, it's just . . . Well, a-a lot of people like that, it's, it's too much. Lily crosses her arms and looks very disappointed. Buffy looks down and starts to dig through her purse. Buffy: I-I do have the money, though, so, why don't you and Rickie go, and then maybe I could meet you some other time-- Lily raises her hands and waves off the offer. Lily: No. It's okay, it's okay. Forget about it. Just-- A homeless man rudely pushes his way between them. The two girls both stare after him. Lily: That's not very polite. The man turns around and looks blankly back at them. Buffy: Are you okay? Homeless man: I'm no one. He turns back around and walks into the traffic on the street. Buffy's eyes widen with concern. The man stops in the middle of a lane in front of an oncoming pickup truck and faces it, arms stretched wide. Buffy drops her bag and rushes into the street. The pickup driver honks his horn and slams on the brakes. The truck starts to skid. Buffy pushes the man out of the way in time to save him, but not in time to avoid getting hit herself. She gets hit hard in the legs by the bumper. Her body snaps down hard onto the hood of the truck and she slides into the windshield. She bounces back and slides off of the hood as the truck screeches to a halt. She hits the pavement, flips over backward and rolls to a stop in the middle of the street. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The street. The driver quickly gets out of the pickup cab and runs over to Buffy lying in the street, but Lily reaches her first. Buffy is on her hands and knees trying to get up. People from all around come rushing into the street. Lily: Are you okay? Driver: Jeez, I didn't see you. He takes her by the arms and helps her up. Lily: Oh . . . Maybe, maybe you shouldn't move. Driver: Maybe you should lie down. Buffy looks around nervously at all of the people gathering. Buffy: No, I'm fine. Driver: Somebody call an ambulance! Buffy holds up her hands to fend of everyone's help. Buffy: No! I'm okay, I just . . . I need to go. She runs off, apparently not the least bit hurt. Cut to further down the street. Buffy is walking at a brisk pace as she goes around a corner. There she bumps into Ken and knocks all of his leaflets onto the sidewalk. Ken: Whoa! (sees his leaflets) Oh . . . They both crouch down to pick up the papers. Ken: Where are you running to? Buffy: Sorry. Ken: Maybe I should ask, where are you running from? They've finished gathering up his leaflets and stand back up. Ken takes a good look at Buffy. Ken: You're pretty new around here. Uh, you've got the 'look', though. Buffy: The 'look'? Ken: Like you had to grow up way too fast. What's your name? Buffy: Anne. (pushes past him to go) Ken: Hey, um, I'm Ken. Here, go ahead, take one of these. He holds out a leaflet, and Buffy looks at it. It reads "Come home to Family Home", and has a drawing of a house and a silhouette of a man reaching out to hug a child. Ken: Don't be shy about stopping by. I mean, I guess you're not starving, but . . . we're not just interested in feeding the body. You might find something you're missing. Buffy: (looks up at him) I'm alright. Ken: (gives her a look of disbelief) Then why are you here? (Buffy looks away) This is not a good place for a kid to be. You get old fast here. (Buffy looks up at him knowingly) The thing that drains the life out of them is despair. I mean, kids come here, and they got nothing to go home to, and . . . this ends up being the last stop for a lot of them. (Buffy looks down the street) Shouldn't have to be that way. "Back to Freedom" by Bellylove starts playing as several shots of homeless people are shown. Lyrics: Ooo-ooo-ooo / On my way to freedom A woman alone in the street, a boy and girl huddling together on the curb, a young boy begging from a businessman who rejects him as he walks by, a woman with a dirty face looking into the camera. Lyrics: I ask myself Cut to the Bronze. Bellylove is on stage performing their ballad. Lyrics: Why did I come again? / To find my own way to freedom The camera pans from above down to the singer, then over to the guitar player. Lyrics: And the change is gonna come / I'm gonna find my way / Find my way / Find my way back to freedom The camera pans around behind the singer, showing the people in the club. It's not a busy night. Xander is lounging on a couch off to the side. Willow is sitting in the loveseat set at a right angle to the couch. Lyrics: I'm gonna find my way / Find my way / Find my way / Find my way back to freedom The camera cuts closer to Xander and Willow. Xander: Boy, I'm glad we showed up for "Depressing Night." Willow: I wonder what she's doing right now. Xander: Oh, I know what she's doing. Gabbing to all of her friends about her passionate affair with Pedro the Cabana Boy, laughing about me, thinking how she still might have feelings about me. He glances over at Willow and sees her sadly raise her eyebrows at him. Xander: Oh, it's possible you were talking about Buffy. Willow: It's possible. The Bronze just never seems the same without her. Oz arrives, hands Xander a drink and sits down next to Willow. Xander: Yeah, and the slaying isn't getting any easier, either. Oz: I don't know. I think we're kinda getting a rhythm down. Xander: We're losing half the vamps. Oz: Yeah, but . . . rhythmically. Willow: We just need to work on our timing, I think. Xander: (looks up) No, I know what we need. Oz: A Vampire Slayer? Xander: Next best thing. Willow follows his gaze and sees Cordelia coming into the Bronze with a few friends. Lyrics: Ooo-ooo / My own way to freedom Xander: Bait. Cut to the Summers house. Cut inside. Joyce is writing out a few bills. She hears a knocking at the door, and looks up. She goes over to the door and answers it. She is surprised at who she sees standing there. Joyce: Uh, hello. Giles: Hello. Um, may I . . . (gestures inside) Joyce: Oh, uh, of course. (waves him in) Come on in. Giles: Thank you. (slowly walks into the living room) I've, uh, just come back from Oakland. A friend of mine called with a lead. Stories about someone fighting vampires. (takes off his glasses) It, uh, didn't pan out, I'm afraid. (starts to clean them) Joyce: (sighs) No Buffy. Giles: No vampires. Bunch of school kids in heavy mascara listening to extremely silly music. Joyce: Well, thank you for going. (steps into the living room and crosses her arms) I can hardly, uh . . . (exhales and smiles weakly) I can hardly leave the house. I'm just afraid she'll call and she'll need my help. Giles: (puts his glasses back on) Buffy is the most capable child I've ever known. I mean, she may be confused, u-unhappy, but I, uh, honestly believe she's in no danger. Joyce: (lowers her arms) I just wish I could talk to her. The last thing we did was fight. (fidgets with her hands) Giles: Joyce, you mustn't blame yourself for her leaving. Joyce: (nods) I don't. (takes a breath) I blame you. (exhales) Giles is taken aback. Joyce: You've been this huge influence on her, guiding her. You had this whole relationship with her behind my back. I feel like you've taken her away from me. Giles is speechless for a moment while he considers his answer. Giles: I didn't make Buffy who she is. Joyce: And who exactly is she? Giles just looks at her. Cut to Helen's Kitchen. Buffy is filling the sugar dispensers at the counter. Lily comes in and walks up to her. Lily: Buff--um, Anne? Can I talk to you? Buffy glances up at her, but doesn't stop her work. Buffy: Look, this really isn't a good time. Can it wait? Lily: Rickie's gone. I haven't seen him for more than a day. I--he's never left for that long. I think something's . . . happened. Maybe something's happened. Buffy: Well, did you call the police? Lily: (sighs) Rickie skipped out on his parole. Uh, they would just cause more trouble. Buffy: (exhales) I don't know, did you, did you ask around? Lily: Can you help me? Buffy: Uh, I-I can't. (walks away) Lily: (follows) But . . . but that's who you are and stuff, right? I mean, you help people, and, you know-- Buffy: I can't get into this. I'm sorry, Lily. Lily: You, you know how to do stuff. Buffy: I don't. (exhales) Not anymore. Lily: But . . . (whining) I don't know what to do. Cut to the blood bank. Lily and Buffy come in. Lily: We gave blood lots of times 'cause you get a few bucks. And they have cookies! Buffy: You're a fan of the sugar rush? Lily: (smiles) It's nice. Nurse: Hi. You here to donate blood? Buffy: Uh, we're looking for a friend. Lily: Rickie T.? We come in sometimes. Nurse: Rickie, sure. Uh, he's not here. Buffy: Well, do you know if he's been in the last day or so? Nurse: Well, let me check the sheet. Man: (off camera) Ow! Buffy looks squeamish as she looks over and sees him being stuck with a needle. Buffy: This'll probably go faster if we split up. Lily: (nods in agreement) Can I come with you? Buffy: Okay, where did I lose you on the whole "splitting up" thing? Lily: (smiles) Oh. Sorry. Buffy: I was thinking we could check out some of your hangouts and, um, I guess, meet later at my place. Lily: Okay. Nurse: Sorry, guys. He hasn't been here. Buffy: Thanks. Nurse: I'll tell him you were looking. Buffy: Great. They leave the blood bank. The nurse loses her friendly demeanor as she watches them go. She swallows and begins to look around nervously. Cut to a street at night. Cut to an abandoned building. A homeless man stirs from his sleep as he hears Buffy come in, but goes back to sleep when he sees it's not the cops. Buffy makes her way through the building, being careful not to step on anyone. Some of them watch her as she goes by. She walks slowly along a dark hall and turns a corner. She is startled by a man with his arms full walking the other way behind her. She continues along and soon notices an old man lying on the floor, dead. The same old man that Buffy earlier saved from the truck. Next to his head is an empty bottle of drain cleaner, an apparent suicide. Buffy kneels next to him and feels for a pulse. Nothing. She puts his arm down and sees that there's a tattoo of half a heart on his forearm with a banner across the heart and the name Lily tattooed on it. Buffy looks at the old man, confused. Buffy: Rickie? [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy's apartment. Lily is there waiting for her to return. She finds Buffy's stuffed duck and picks it up to stroke it. Buffy opens the door, comes in and closes it behind her. Lily puts the duck down and steps closer to Buffy. Lily: Did you find Rickie? I thought of--well, he likes to go to this movie house, you can get in around the back-- Buffy: (interrupting) Lily . . . I think he's dead. Lily: (very sad and lost) But . . . he takes care of me. Buffy: I'm sorry. Lily: We're gonna get a place. His cousin can get him a job at the car wash. Buffy: Lily, there's (exhales) there's something else. (sits on the bed) The, the person that I found . . . was old. He-he looked about eighty. Lily: Well, that's not Rickie! Buffy: I'm sure it was. I, I don't know how, but . . . it was like something drained the life out of him. Lily: Do you mean like a vampire? Buffy: No. A vampire couldn't accelerate the aging process. Maybe it was something in his blood. (has a thought) When was the last time you guys gave blood together? Lily: I don't understand. Maybe it's not Rickie, okay? Buffy: (stands up) Lily, this is something you're just gonna have to deal with. Lily: (flustered) But he didn't do anything wrong! Why would this happen to him? Buffy: That's *not* the point. (Lily calms a bit) These things happen all the time. You can't just . . . close your eyes and hope that they're gonna go away. Lily: Is it 'cause of you? Buffy: (confused) What? Lily: You know about . . . monsters and stuff. You could have brought this with you. Buffy: (very annoyed) I didn't bring anything with me. And I didn't ask for you to come to me with your problems. I just wanted to be left alone. If you can't deal, then *don't* lay it off on me! Lily can't take it. She holds up her hands to deny what she's hearing and walks out of the apartment. Buffy sighs, regretting raising her voice to Lily. Cut to the street. Lily stops walking and leans against the iron gates pulled across a storefront. Ken comes up behind her. Ken: Are you okay? Lily shakes her head, barely able to keep from crying. Ken: Hey, it's okay. Maybe I can help. Lily: (sniffles) You can't. (breathes deeply) Ken: Look, I know you all think I'm a big square handing out leaflets about hope. But hope is a real thing, just like despair. And hope can fill up a part of you that's missing. Lily: But Rickie . . . Ken: Rickie? Say, are you Lily? (smiles) Right! Right, he was talking about you. Lily: (faces him) You've seen Rickie? Ken: Oh, sure! Rickie's with us now. Lily: She said he was dead. Ken: Well, someone's sure handed you a tall tale. Rickie's no more dead than I am. Why don't you come to Family Home? We'll get you taken care of. Lily considers for a moment. Ken smiles at her, and she nods in agreement. He takes her by the arm and leads her away. Cut to the blood bank. A shadow appears on the other side of the frosted glass of the door. The camera pans down to the doorknob being jiggled. Suddenly it gets ripped out of the door. Cut to a filing cabinet. Buffy is looking through it to find Rickie's records. She grabs it and a few others, closes the cabinet and takes the folders over to a desk. She turns on a lamp and begins to go through them. First she pulls out Rickie's and opens it. She scans his latest donation form. It looks normal, except for the word "candidate" in the comments box. Buffy: Candidate for what? Behind her the nurse quietly walks in. Buffy opens another record and sees "candidate" again. Nurse: What are you doing? Buffy: Breaking into your office and going through your private files. (looks at another file) Candidate for what? Nurse: I'm calling the police. She steps toward Buffy to get to the phone. Buffy reaches over to the phone and yanks it off of the wall. It falls to the desk with its wires torn. Buffy: Now, you've got a whole bunch of candidates here. I wonder if any of them are missing like Rickie. (faces the nurse) Gosh, I bet they are. Nurse: You're getting yourself in a lot of trouble. Buffy: I don't want any trouble. I just want to be alone and quiet in a room with a chair and a fireplace and a tea cozy. I don't even know what a tea cozy is, but I want one. Instead, I keep getting trouble, which I am more than willing to share. (the nurse looks at her nervously) What are you doing with these kids? Nurse: Nothing. I just . . . I give him the names of the healthy ones. Buffy: Give them to who? Cut to Family Home. Ken looks at Lily, who is wearing only a simple long tunic. Ken: Well, don't you look nice? Lily: I guess. Ken: Well, you don't want to wear your own outfit to the cleansing. It'll get soaked. Lily: A cleansing is like a baptism? Right? Ken: Not quite the same. Indicates the way. She follows him. Lily: Will I see Rickie after? Ken: Oh, of course. He's waiting for you. He's very excited. Cut to the Sunnydale cemetery. Xander, Cordelia, Willow and Oz walk along a pathway. Oz is twirling a stake. Cordelia: Why do I have to be bait? I'm always bait. Why can't Willow be bait? Xander: He's already seen Willow. And could you complain louder so that all the vampires leave? Oz: I think this is a good spot. They all stop and look around. Oz: Is everybody packin'? Willow and Xander each pull out a stake. Willow also has a cross. Oz: Let's do it. Willow, Oz and Xander split up and look for places to hide, leaving Cordelia alone out in the open. Cordelia is not liking this, and she quickly makes tracks after Xander. Cordelia: I'm doing this for Buffy's sake. This has nothing to do with you. Xander: Yeah, like I needed that cleared up. (finds a hiding place) Go away. This is my hiding spot. Cordelia: Where do I hide? Xander: You don't hide. You're bait. Go act baity. Cordelia: What's the plan? Xander: The vampire attacks you. Cordelia: And then what? Xander: The vampire kills you. We watch, we rejoice. Willow overhears from her hiding place and sighs. Cordelia: Everything's a joke with you. Xander: No, just our relationship. Cordelia: What relationship? Willow looks down at her stake, contemplating using it on them. Andrew appears behind her and smiles evilly. Xander: Oh, that's right, I forgot. We actually want to bury that piece of the past, don't we? Andrew begins to sneak up on Willow. Cut to Family Home. The camera shows a small rectangular pool of what looks like black tar, and pans up from it to Ken and Lily walking into the room. Ken: We come to this station to wash away the past. Go ahead, kneel. He indicates the edge of the pool, and Lily kneels down. Ken squats next to her. Ken: We let the water run over the sin and the pain and the uncertainty. Lily: It looks kinda . . . dirty. Ken: (smiles) Yeah. Cut to the front door of Family Home. A man comes up to the door where another man is already listening to Buffy talk. Buffy: You know, I just . . . I woke up, and I looked in the mirror, and I thought, "hey, what's with all the sin? I need to change. I'm . . . I'm dirty. I'm, I'm bad with the . . . s*x and the envy and that, that loud music us kids listen to nowadays. W--" (sees that the guy isn't buying it) Oh, I just suck at undercover. Where's Ken? The man tries to slam the door closed, but she kicks it open and it slams into his face instead. She marches in. Cut to Ken and Lily. She reaches down to the black water in the pool. For a moment she hesitates, but then puts her hand in. The liquid is thick and pitch-black, and her hand disappears in it. Buffy swings open the door, banging it loudly into the wall. Ken looks at her and stands up. Ken: This is a private moment. If you could just-- Buffy: How do you make 'em old, Ken? Do you feed on youth? What's the deal? Ken: Do you really wanna know? Lily: (looks back) What's going on? Buffy is surprised to see Lily there. Suddenly something grabs Lily. She screams as she is pulled into the pool and disappears into the black slime. Buffy runs to help, but Ken grabs her and chokes her with his arm around her neck. Buffy grabs his arm and tries to snap her body back to make him release her, but instead they just both fall into the pool as well. Cut to a dimly lit passageway. Buffy and Ken fall out of a black pool in the ceiling. Buffy briefly looks up at the pool, then looks around to see where she is. She sees Lily leaning against the wall holding her head. Buffy: Lily. She rolls over onto her hands and knees and quickly crawls over to Lily. Ken is faring worse, apparently hurt in the fall. Lily: (in pain) Oh . . . Buffy looks up at the pool in the ceiling. The waves from her fall through it are beginning to dissipate. Ken: Oh, my face! Buffy looks over at Ken. Ken: Ow! My face! He turns toward them and begins to pull his face and his hair off. Ken: Do you have any idea how hard it is to glue that thing on?! Beneath his mask Ken's face is red and his head is bald. There appear to be pieces of skin missing from his forehead, revealing the even redder flesh beneath. Lily begins to panic. Buffy starts to get to her feet and tries to pull Lily up with her. Ken stands up. Ken: (yells) Guards! Buffy takes Lily's hand and begins to run, pulling her along. Two guards show up. Their faces are even more mangled and raw-looking than Ken's. One of the guards hands Ken a club. They begin to pursue the girls. Buffy and Lily run through a maze of halls and come out on a ledge that overlooks what looks like a large iron works. There are huge vats of molten metal, sparks are flying through the air from one side, and it is hot and smoky. Buffy looks closer, and in the shadows sees people being used as slave labor, kept in line by more guards with whips. The camera pans through the place showing zombie-like humans pounding the metal on anvils, pushing wheelbarrows from place to place and swinging sledgehammers. Some of them cough hard as they work. The guards watch and crack their whips every so often. Ken comes up behind Lily as she takes in the scene. Ken: Welcome to my world. I hope you like it. Buffy and Lily look back at him. He hits Buffy hard in the face with his club, knocking her out. Ken: (to Lily) You're never leaving. He smiles and licks his lips. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Sunnydale cemetery. Cordelia and Xander are still arguing. Xander: Let me just ask you one thing: how long did it take you to forget me? Were you still taxiing down the runway, or was it actually in the cab? Cordelia: Oh, yeah, Mr. Faithful? You probably met up with some hot little Inca Mummy Girl. Yeah! I heard about her. Xander raises his finger at her and is about to respond when they hear Willow get tackled to the ground and scream. Willow: Help! Their attention is immediately diverted to Willow, and they begin to run to her aid. Oz is quicker and beats them there. He jumps over Andrew and grabs him on the way, using his momentum to pull Andrew off of Willow and then throw him aside. Andrew and Willow both quickly get to their feet. Oz holds up his stake, ready to attack Andrew. Willow runs away. Oz lunges at Andrew, but he just diverts Oz to the side and sends him rolling to the ground. Next Xander comes at Andrew, stake held ready, but Andrew grabs his staking arm by the wrist with one hand and his shoulder with the other, and they begin to struggle. Cordelia watches them struggle, worried. Cordelia: Xander! She decides to join the fight, and attacks Andrew from behind, pushing him and Xander down to the ground. They end up with Andrew sandwiched between Xander on the bottom and Cordelia on the top. With Cordelia's weight on top of him and Xander's leverage against the ground, Andrew can't hold back the stake any longer, and it plunges into his chest. He explodes into ashes between them, and Cordelia falls down on top of Xander. The two of them look at each other for an instant, then grab each other and start kissing passionately. Cut to Ken's world. Buffy is lying on the floor in a cell. Lily is sitting on the floor behind her leaning against a pillar. Buffy regains consciousness, rolls onto her side and feels her head where Ken hit her. No blood, but she is still a bit dazed. Buffy: Oh. Unh . . . (slowly sits up) Lily? Lily: I always knew I would come here . . . sooner or later. I knew I belonged here. Buffy: (looks around) Where? Lily: Hell. Buffy: (turns her head toward Lily) This isn't Hell. Ken: (appears at the bars) Isn't it? Buffy spins her head around to look at Ken, but quickly regrets moving it so fast. Buffy: (in pain) Unh . . . (rubs her forehead) Ken: What is Hell but the total absence of hope? The substance, the tactile proof of despair. You're right, Lily. This is where you've been heading all your life. Just like Rickie. Lily: Rickie? Ken: He forgot you. Well, it took him a long time. He remembered your name years after he'd forgotten his own. But, in the end-- Lily: Years? But-- Ken: Oh. Uh, interesting thing: time moves more quickly here than in your reality. A hundred long years will pass here. On Earth, it's just a day. Buffy: So you just work us till we're too old and spit us back out. Ken: That's the plan. See, Lily, you'll die of old age before anyone wonders where you went. Not that anyone will, that's why we chose you. Buffy: You didn't choose me. Ken: No. But . . . I know you . . . *Anne*. So afraid. So pathetically determined to run away from whatever it is you used to be. (Buffy looks away) To disappear. Congratulations. (Buffy looks at him again) You got your wish. Cut to a personnel elevator. The huge steel door splits open, the upper half rising, the lower half sinking. A group of young slaves including Buffy and Lily is herded out. Buffy trips and falls to the floor. The other slaves stop walking. A guard starts to explain things to the new recruits as Buffy slowly gets back to her feet. Guard: You work, and you live. That is all. The guard has even less skin on his head than Ken. He's wearing a hood that looks like it's made of human skin sewn together. His chin and cheeks are exposed flesh and muscle, and he has no lips covering his teeth. Buffy is standing again, holding her head in pain. Guard: You do not complain or laugh or do anything besides work. Whatever you thought, whatever you were, does not matter. You are no one now. You mean nothing. The guard walks to one end of the group and faces the boy standing there. Behind them the elevator doors close with a slam. Guard: Who are you? Aaron: (afraid) Aaron. The guard whales hard on him with his club, and the boy grunts in pain and falls to the floor unconscious. Buffy immediately sobers, and stares intensely ahead. The guard advances to Lily. Guard: Who are you? Lily: (whimpers) No one. The guard continues to the next person. Guard: Who are you? Boy#2: (fearfully) No one. The guard reaches Buffy. Guard: Who are you? She looks up at him for a moment, and then smiles. Buffy: (friendly) I'm Buffy. The Vampire Slayer. And you are? The guard is incensed at her insubordination, and roars as he wields back his club to strike her. He swings at Buffy, but she sidesteps him and grabs his arm as he bends over from his follow-through. Buffy slams her other forearm down on the guard's, breaking it. He falls to the floor in pain. She picks up his club and swings it at another guard, striking him in the head. She swings again the opposite way at a third guard, hitting him in the gut. They both fall unconscious. Buffy looks over at the group of would-be slaves. Buffy: Anyone who's not having fun here, follow me. She starts to run, and the group follows her. Cut to a shot of the main iron works from above. The vats of molten metal glow brightly. There are sparks flying everywhere. Cut to the slaves working below. The camera pans up to a ledge where two guards are watching them work. Cut to a guard walking down a metal staircase. Buffy and the small group are hiding beneath it. Buffy: (looking up at the guards) There's no way we can get back up there without meeting new people. (looks at Lily) Okay. Lily, when those guards leave--and they will leave--I want you to take these people and get them up there, okay? Fast and quiet. Lily: You're leaving me? But-- Buffy: Lily . . . You can handle this. 'Cause I say so. Suddenly a siren begins to wail loudly. Buffy: We've gone public. Okay, quick, get them up. Go! Quiet! Lily begins to lead them away, but comes back. Lily: I'm sorry I said this was your fault before. Buffy: Lily, this can wait. Lily: Well, in case we die-- Buffy: Go! Go! Lily runs off to lead the group out. Buffy sees two guards coming for them and leads them away at a run. She winds around through the slaves still blindly working away. Guard: Get out of the way! The guards are big and bulky compared to her small figure darting through the maze, but they manage to keep up. Guard: Come on, get out of the way! She sees a pole jutting out of the floor and grabs onto it, swings around once and knocks one of the guards out with an aerial side kick. She lets go of the pole and begins to run again. She reaches a platform, shoulder rolls onto it and rises to a standing position. Her pursuer jumps up onto the stage and tries a backhand swing at her with his sledgehammer, but she ducks and blocks his second swing. The guard kicks up with his knee and gets Buffy in the stomach, stunning her. He punches her, making her fall to the floor. He takes a swing at Buffy's head, but she clamps her hands around the hammer's handle and yanks him up and over her. He slams down hard onto his shoulder and rolls off of the platform. Buffy still has his hammer and quickly gets to her feet. The two other guards on the ledge leave their post and begin to approach her. Cut to Lily leading the group to a set of stairs. She ushers them up. Lily: C'mon, c'mon, everybody go! Go! One after the other they quickly climb the stairs. Lily brings up the rear. On the platform Buffy continues to fight another guard. She quickly hits him in the head with a full spinning out-to-in crescent kick. He takes the blow hard and falls off of the platform. Still another guard takes a swing at Buffy's legs with his sledgehammer, but she jumps high to avoid the swing. Buffy swings her hammer into the guard's face, knocking him down. As he tries to get up, Buffy knocks him down again with a snapping roundhouse kick to his arm, kicking his hammer away in the process. The guard gets to his feet. Buffy swings her hammer in an uppercut, striking him in the jaw and sending him flying off of the platform in a backflip. Yet another guard jumps up onto the platform and tackles Buffy, struggling to get the hammer out of her hands. Cut to a ledge. Ken and two more guards come out to see what's going on. Ken can't believe what he is seeing. Cut below. Buffy does a roundhouse kick to the guard's face, and he stumbles backwards. Another guard comes up to the edge of the platform holding a battle-ax with a curved blade. He looks at the fighting for a moment, then moves to jump up onto the platform. Cut to Ken on the ledge. Ken: Humans don't fight back. Cut below. The guard on the platform tries to pound Buffy's head with his club, but she holds her hammer high, blocking his attack and making him drop his weapon. Ken: (enraged) Humans don't fight back! Buffy swings down with her hands, carrying the guard's hands as well. She grabs him by the neck, spins around once and throws him through the air. He hits a steel beam and slumps to the ground. The guard with the battle-ax is up on the platform now and takes a wide swing with it at Buffy, but she leans aside and he misses. Ken: That's how this works! Buffy manages to duck the guard's next swing, avoiding decapitation. He swings again from above, but she blocks his attack with her hammer, and the head of the ax embeds itself in the handle. Buffy performs a front snap kick that dislodges the ax and knocks the weapon out of the guard's hands and spinning up into the air. She kneels down and knocks his legs out from under him with her hammer. While she's crouched, she looks up at the battle-ax as it falls and catches the airborne weapon. She gets to her feet, as does her assailant. Buffy does another roundhouse kick to his face, and he goes flying off of the platform. Ken: (to the guards with him) Get down there! The two guards run to obey. On the platform the camera pans in close to Buffy as she looks around, temporarily without an opponent. Suddenly a guard jumps up. Buffy swings a backhand punch at his head, but he blocks it and shoves her arm out of the way. He punches her with a backhand fist. She stumbles a little but recovers in time to duck his second swing at her head. She does a side kick to his rear that sends him off of the platform. Two more guards try to climb onto the platform. Buffy crouches and quickly throws her battle-ax spinning end over end at one of them. It slices deeply into his chest, and the power behind her throw sends him falling off of the platform. The other guard tries a wide swing, but Buffy blocks it, grabs onto his arm and sends him somersaulting through the air and off of the platform. Another guard attacks. Buffy smashes her elbow into his nose and follows it up with a full spin and a backhand punch to the head. He falls down awkwardly. Another one leaps up and catches Buffy unaware with a high punch to her face. She stumbles backwards but doesn't fall. Two more guards join him and try to surround her. Buffy snap kicks one in the face and side kicks another. Buffy does a full spinning hook kick to the third, smacking him soundly in the skull. Cut to the ledge. Ken is disgusted with what he sees and goes back through the door. Cut below. One of the guards punches Buffy hard in the face, and she staggers. He grabs her by the neck while she's trying to regain her balance and yanks her head up fast and hard. He holds her while two other guards punch her in the stomach. Cut to a dimly lit corridor. The group of slaves runs down it, trailed by Lily. They round a corner. As Lily is about to follow them, Ken grabs her from behind, pulls out a large knife and holds it to her neck. She doesn't struggle as he leads her off back to the ledge. Cut to the platform. The guards keep on punching Buffy. Finally she is able to retaliate and swings an arm out, backhand punching two of them and high punching the third, knocking him down. She swings her arm out in a wide arc and hits the first two with the one blow, knocking them down as well. A fourth guard roundhouse kicks her in the stomach, and she steps back to regain her balance. He latches onto her arm and tries to throw her, but Buffy reverses the move and manages to throw him off of the platform instead. A guard dives headfirst for Buffy's legs. She leaps up and pulls her legs up into a tuck jump over him. He dives right underneath her. Buffy runs and jumps off of the platform, grabbing a pole. It bends under her weight, and she rides it down to the floor below. She begins to run, and the chase is on again. She doesn't get very far when she looks up and sees Ken coming back out onto the ledge holding his knife to Lily's neck. Buffy stops in her tracks. The guards chasing her quickly catch up and grab her by the arms. Ken: One of you fights . . . and you all die! He lets go of Lily and pushes her aside. He stares intently down at Buffy. Ken: That . . . was not . . . permitted. Buffy: Yeah, but it was fun. Ken: (smiles) You've got guts. I think I'd like to slice you open and play with them. He holds up his knife and addresses everyone in the area. Ken: Let everyone know! Lily cowers behind him. Ken seems to have forgotten that she's there. Ken: *This* is the price of rebellio-- Lily pushes him from behind, and he falls screaming from the high ledge to the floor below. The guards holding Buffy just watch as he hits bottom with a loud thud. Buffy gives Lily a surprised look, and then quickly takes advantage of the distraction and backhand punches her captors, one in the face and the other in the groin. While the second one is dazed, she shoves her weight against him, and he falls backward onto a barrel. The first one punches high, but she blocks, grabs his arm and flips him over onto a pile of burlap sacks. Buffy jumps up onto the pile and steps across her fallen attacker. He tries to grab her, but misses. She jumps high into the air and grabs hold of a heavy chain hanging from above. She climbs it hand-over-hand as quickly as she can to the ledge where Lily is still standing. The two of them run through the door and quickly find their way to the others, struggling with a heavy iron gate. Lily: They'll be coming. Buffy crouches down and takes hold of the gate, bracing herself for a very heavy lift. She begins to raise the gate, straining as she goes. Buffy: (grunts) Okay . . . this . . . works . . . the abs . . . and . . . the glutes. (grunts) As soon as she gets it high enough, Lily waves to the others to crawl underneath. They all scramble to the other side. Buffy: I'm gonna feel this for a week! She holds the gate up over her head and squeezes her head and shoulders between two of the bars to get to the other side. Suddenly Ken appears behind her, bloodied from his fall, and tackles her to the floor. His club goes flying. The gate falls down behind him. He suddenly arches up and screams in pain. Buffy rolls to a stop out of his reach. She gets to her hands and knees and looks over at him as he continues to scream in pain. The camera pans from his bloody face over his back and to his legs, where two of the gate's bars have impaled themselves through his calves. The slaves help each other up through the black slime of the pool in the ceiling. Buffy gets to her feet and picks up Ken's club. She approaches him, and he arches his back to look up at her. Ken: You've *ruined* . . . You . . . Buffy: Hey, Ken, wanna see my impression of Gandhi? She wields back the club and brings it down hard onto his head, crushing his skull. Lily comes up behind her and looks at him squeamishly. Lily: Gandhi? Buffy: Well, you know, if he was really pissed off. Cut to the pool room at Family Home. The homeless people walk out of the room. Lily is kneeling by the pool helping Buffy out. She yanks her legs from the slime and rolls onto the floor. They both get up and look at the pool. Lily: (points) What do we do about-- With a flash of light, the pool mysteriously tiles itself over to match the tiles along the edges. It now appears to be a six-inch (15 cm) deep, empty ceremonial pool. The two girls just stare at it in wonder. Cut to Buffy's apartment. Buffy has finished cleaning herself up in the kitchen. Lily is looking at the folding doors that separate the kitchen from the rest of the apartment. Buffy: Let me give you the tour. She walks into the main room and slowly turns to face Lily. Buffy: This concludes our tour. Lily leans against the wall. Lily: It's really nice. Buffy leans against the dresser. Buffy: All the rent's paid up for the next three weeks. She turns around and opens one of the dresser drawers. Buffy: I spoke to Mitch at the diner. (pulls out her uniform) He said you can start on Thursday. (steps over to the bed) He's, uh . . . (lays down the uniform) he's kind of . . . repulsive, but, uh, he won't give you a hard time. Lily sits down on the bed and puts her hand on the uniform. Buffy: Um . . . I'll call and check up on you. Lily: I'm not . . . great (looks at Buffy) at taking care of myself. Buffy: Gets easier. Takes practice. She looks down sadly. Lily knows the feeling. She looks back down at the uniform and the nametag pinned to it. Lily: Hey . . . Buffy looks up at her. Lily: Can I be 'Anne'? She smiles at Buffy. Buffy smiles back. Cut to the kitchen at the Summers house. Joyce is trying to get a stuck utensil out of the dishwasher. There's a knock at the door, and Joyce looks up startled. She frowns at the fork she pulled out and puts it down. She gets up, grabs a towel and heads for the front door, wiping her hands. In the dining room she pauses and looks toward the door, suddenly wondering who might be there. She drapes the towel over a chair and slowly goes to the door. When she opens it, there stands Buffy, looking sad, tired and disheveled. For a long moment they just look at each other without saying a word. Then they step toward each other and hold each other close for a long, tight embrace.
Plan: A: Buffy; Q: Who is now living under an assumed identity? A: Buffy's whereabouts; Q: What do the rest of the gang not know? A: school; Q: Where do the gang go to take over the slaying? A: a diner; Q: Where is Buffy recognized? A: her fight; Q: What does Buffy begin to do to return home? A: the Netherworld; Q: Where has Buffy fallen into? Summary: Still not knowing Buffy's whereabouts, the rest of the gang return to school and take over the slaying. Meanwhile Buffy, who is now living under an assumed identity, is recognized in a diner, and begins her fight to return home from the Netherworld she has fallen into.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory. Raj and Sheldon are arm wrestling while playing tetris. There is a cacophony of cries such as "take him down" and "he's got you, Sheldon." Penny: Hey, guys, guys, some of the other waitresses wanted me to ask you something. Leonard: Oh, it's called trestling. Howard: It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling with the mental agility of tetris into the ultimate sport. Penny: Yeah, that's terrific, but what they wanted me to ask you was to cut it the hell out. (To someone off) Right come on guys, come on. (Singing while approaching another table) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you... Sheldon: We might as well stop, it's a stalemate. You're beating me in tetris, but you've got the upper body strength of a Keebler Elf. Raj: Keebler Elf? I've got your Keebler Elf right here. (Strains to push Sheldon's arm down. Tries using both hands, still with no effect.) Okay, it's a stalemate. Penny: So Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake? Sheldon: He can't eat cheesecake, he's lactose intolerant. Penny: Okay, he can have carrot cake. Sheldon: What about the cream cheese frosting. Penny: he can scrape it off. Leonard: Forget about the cake, how did you know that my birthday is Saturday? Penny: I did your horoscope, remember, I was going to do everybody's until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants. Sheldon: For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who in 1948 proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments, that astrology is nothing but pseudo scientific hokum. Penny: Blah blah blah, a typical Taurus. So, seriously, are we going to see you Saturday? Leonard: Oh, I don't think so. Penny: Why not? Leonard: I don't celebrate my birthday. Penny: Shuddup, yeah you do. Leonard: No, it's no big deal, it's just the way I was raised. My parents focussed on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them. Penny: Uh, that's so silly. Sheldon: It's actually based on very sound theories, his mother published a paper on it. Penny: What was it called, "I hate my son and that's why he can't have cake?" Sheldon: It was obviously effective, Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she'd also denied him Christmas he'd be a little better at it. Leonard: Thank you. Howard: Well I love birthdays, waking up to Mom's special French Toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends. Penny: Yeah, see, that's what kids should have. Howard: Actually that was last year. Penny: So you've really never had a birthday party? Leonard: No. But it was okay. I mean, when I was little I'd think maybe my parents would change their mind, and surprise me with a party, like this one birthday I came home from my Cello lesson, and I saw a lot of strange cars parked out front, and when I got to the door I could hear people whispering, and I could smell German chocolate cake, which is my favourite. Penny: And? Leonard: Uh, it turns out my grandfather had died. Penny: Oh my God, that's terrible. Leonard: Oh, it was kind of like a birthday party. I got to see all my cousins and there was cake, so...7 Penny: That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. Howard: You think? Go ahead, tell her about your senior prom. Credits sequence. Scene: Leonard is exiting the apartment. Howard (voice from inside): Make sure they remember no peanuts. Leonard: Howard, every Thai restaurant in town knows you can't eat peanuts. They see me coming they go "ah, no peanut boy!" (Leonard exits down stairs. A moment later, Penny peeks out of her apartment, checks the coast is clear, and crosses the hall to the guys apartment. Knocks.) Sheldon (answering): Hello Penny. Leonard just left. Penny: I know. I want to talk to you. Sheldon: What would we talk about? We've no overlapping areas of interest I'm aware of, and you know I don't care for chit-chat. Penny: Okay, can you just let me in. Sheldon: Well alright, but I don't see this as a promising endeavour. Penny: Okay, here's the deal, we are going to throw Leonard a kick-ass surprise party for his birthday on Saturday. Sheldon: I hardly think so, Leonard made it very clear he doesn't want a party. Howard: Did someone say party? Penny: He just doesn't know he wants one because he's never had one. Howard: I suppose that's possible, but for the record, I've never had a threesome and yet I still know I want one. Penny: Howard, here's the difference. The possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over. Howard: Fine. If I do have a threesome, you can't be part of it. I'm just kidding, yes you can. Can you bring a friend? Sheldon: I think a birthday party is a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish. Penny: Anguish? Sheldon: Year after year, I had to endure wearing conical hats while being forced into the crowded sweaty hell of bouncy castles, not to mention being blindfolded and spun towards a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation. Penny: Okay, sweetie, I understand you have scars that no non-professional can heal, but nevertheless we are going to throw Leonard a birthday party. Sheldon: Have I pointed out that I am extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol induced frivolity. Penny: Nevertheless we are.... Sheldon: In addition I really don't think that Leonard wants a... Penny: Okay, here's the deal, you either help me throw Leonard a birthday party or, so help me God, I will go into your bedroom and I will unbag all of your most valuable mint condition comic books. And on one of them, you won't know which, I'll draw a tiny happy face in ink. Sheldon: You can't do that, if you make a mark on a mint comic book it's no longer mint. Penny: Sheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail? Sheldon: Well of course I... oh! Yeah, I have an idea, let's throw Leonard a kick ass birthday party. Scene: Howard and Raj sneak up the stairwell carrying presents. Howard knocks on Penny's door, a combination of two knocks, two knocks, one knock. Nothing happens. He tries again. Sheldon opens the door. Sheldon: That's not the secret knock. This is the secret knock. (He knocks two, one, two.) Howard: What difference does it make? Sheldon: The whole point of a secret knock is to establish a non-verbal signal to verify the identity of one's co-conspirators. Penny: Is that Raj and Howard? Sheldon: Possibly, but unverified. Howard: Can you just let us in. Sheldon: Luckily for you this is not a nuclear reactor. Penny: So, what did you get the birthday boy? Howard: Well, Raj got him an awesome limited edition Dark Knight sculpture based on Alex Ross's definitive Batman, and I got him this amazing autographed copy of the Feynman lectures on physics. Penny: Nice. I got him a sweater. Howard: Okay, well, he might like that, I've seen him... chilly. Penny: Uh, Sheldon, I didn't see your present. Sheldon: That's because I didn't bring one. Penny: Well why not? Howard: Don't ask. Sheldon: The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense. Howard: Too late. Sheldon: Let's say that I go out and I spend fifty dollars on you, it's a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need. Now I can simplify things, just give you the fifty dollars directly and, you could give me fifty dollars on my birthday, and so on until one of us dies leaving the other one old and fifty dollars richer. And I ask you, is it worth it? Howard: Told you not to ask. Penny: Well, Sheldon, you're his friend. Friends give each other presents. Sheldon: I accept your premise, I reject your conclusion. Howard: Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention. Penny: What? Howard: Just do it. Penny: It's a non-optional social convention. Sheldon: Oh. Fair enough. Howard: He came with a manual. Sheldon: Question, how am I going to get Leonard a present before the party? I don't drive, and the only things available within walking distance are a Thai restaurant and a gas station. I suppose I could wrap up an order of mee krob and a couple of lottery scratchers. Penny: Okay, let's do this, um, I will drive Sheldon to get a present, and Howard, you need to get rid of Leonard for about two hours. Howard: No problem. Penny: And then Raj, you bring the stuff across the hall and start setting up. Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): What if guests show up? Penny: Entertain them. Howard: What if they're women? Penny: Stare at them and make them feel uncomfortable. Scene: The apartment. Leonard is playing an X-Box game. Howard (entering): Hey! Leonard: Hey. Howard: How's it going? Leonard: Fine. Howard: So, listen, the New Art is showing the revised definitive cut of Blade Runner. Leonard: Seen it. Howard: No, you've seen the 25th anniversary final cut. This one has eight seconds of previously unseen footage. They say it completely changes the tone of the film. Leonard: Oh. Pass. Howard: Come on, afterwards there's a Q & A with Harrison Ford's body double. Leonard: Look, I am in the Halo battle of my life here, there's this kid in Copenhagen, he has no immune system so all he does is sit in his bubble and play Halo 24/7. Howard: Can't you play him some other time? Leonard: Not if you believe his doctors. Howard: Oh my God, do you smell gas. Leonard: No. Howard: Yeah, no. Scene: An electrical store. Penny: Alright, you know they have DVDs over there. Sheldon: Yes, but they have DVD burners over here. Leonard needs a DVD burner. Penny: Sheldon, a gift shouldn't be something someone needs, it should be something fun, you know, something they wouldn't buy for themselves. Sheldon: You mean, like a sweater? Penny: Well, it's a fun sweater, it's got a bold geometric print. Sheldon: Is it the geometry that makes it fun. Penny: Okay, the point is, one of the ways we show we care about people is by putting thought and imagination into the gifts we give them. Sheldon: Okay, I see, so not a DVD burner. Penny: Exactly. Sheldon: Something he wouldn't buy for himself. Something fun. Something like... oh, an 802.11n wireless router. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The apartment. Leonard: Here you go, Copenhagen boy, how about a taste of Hans Christian Hand Grenade. (Raj enters carrying party supplies. Howard waves him away while in the background Leonard is heard saying "oh, that did not feel good.") Come on, come on, oh you clever little.... Come on, come on, take that! Howard (picks up a granola bar from the table, breaks off half and puts it in his back pocket.): Oh-oh. (Louder) Oh-oh! Leonard: What's the matter? Howard: This granola bar, there's peanuts in it. Leonard: Oh my God, why did you eat it? Howard: I don't know, it was just there. Leonard: Well if I had a gun there, would you have shot yourself? Howard: Don't yell at me, I've got to go to the emergency room. Leonard: Now? Howard: No, after my tongue has swollen to the size of a brisket. Leonard: Alright, um, just, uh, let me get my keys. Howard: Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh.... (into phone after Leonard leaves room) The laundry is out of the hamper. (Looks exasperated) Okay Sheldon, what was it supposed to be? Fine, it's out of the washer. I'll call you when it's in the dryer. Leonard (running in): Alright, let's go. (They exit, with Howard making croaking noises.) Scene: The store. Sheldon is looking at two routers. Sheldon: What do you think. Penny (pointing randomly): Um, that one. Sheldon: Because of the two additional Ethernet ports. Penny: Sure. Sheldon: He doesn't need them, he's already got a 640 connect switch Penny: Oh, okay then this one. Sheldon: Why? Penny: I don't know, the man on the box looks so happy. Sheldon: Penny! If I'm going to buy Leonard a gift, I'm going to do it right. I refuse to let him experience the same childhood trauma I did. Penny: Oh, I know I'm going to regret this but, what trauma? Sheldon: On my twelfth birthday I really wanted a titanium centrifuge, so, you know, I could separate radioactive isotopes. Penny: Of course. Sheldon: Instead of a titanium centrifuge, my parents bought me... wow, this is hard. They got me... a motorised dirt bike. Penny: No? Sheldon: What twelve year old boy wants a motorised dirt bike? Penny: All of them. Sheldon: Really? Penny: Yeah. Sheldon: Huh? Penny: Okay, so we're getting this one? Sheldon: Yeah, I suppose. Penny: Okay, let's go. Random woman: Excuse me, do you know anything about this stuff? Sheldon: I know everything about this stuff. Woman: Okay, I have my own wholesale flower business, and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse. Penny: Here, buy this one. Look, it's the one we're getting, see, happy guy available. Sheldon: No, no, no, no, she doesn't want that, she needs a point to point peer network with a range extender. Woman: Thank you. Random guy: Which hard drive do I want, firewire or USB? Sheldon: It depends on what Bus you have. Guy: I drive a Chevy Cavalier. Sheldon: Oh, dear lord. Penny: Sheldon, we have to go. Sheldon: Not now, Penny, this poor man needs me. (To woman approaching) You hold on, I'll be right with you. What computer do you have, and please don't say a white one? Scene: The hospital. Howard runs in and up to the counter. Howard: Excuse me. Nurse: Fill this out, have a seat. Howard: No, listen, see we're throwing my friend a surprise party and I'm supposed to keep him out of his apartment for two hours. Nurse: Uh-huh, fill this out and have a seat. Howard: No, see, the only way I could get him to leave is to tell him I ate a peanut. Because I'm allergic to peanuts. Nurse: Oh, well in that case fill this out and have a seat. Howard: Look, all I need from you is to take me in the back and give me a band-aid so I can pretend I had a shot of epinephrine and they you tell my friend you need to keep me under observation for about an hour, hour and a half. Nurse: Is that all you need? Howard: Yes. Nurse: Get out of my ER. Howard: No, you don't understand. Nurse: Oh, I understand, but unfortunately this hospital is not equipped to treat stupid. Howard: Okay, I get it, I know how the world works, how about if I were to introduce you (holding up a five dollar bill) to the man who freed your people. Nurse, unless my people were freed by Benjamin Franklin and his five twin brothers you are wasting your time. Leonard (running in): Hey, sorry I couldn't find a parking spot, how are you doing. Howard: Bad, very bad. Leonard: Really, 'cos you don't look like you're swelling up at all, maybe we should just pick up some benedryl at the drug store and go home. Howard: We can't go home. Leonard: Why not? Howard: Becauth (pretends tongue has swollen up) Becauth-th-th. Brissket, Brissket! Water, need water. Leonard: Alright, I'll be right back. Howard (into phone): Penny, look, I've got a problem. Penny (with Sheldon in background at the head of a large queue of customers): Yeah, well so do I, look you've got to stall Leonard a little longer. Howard: I don't think I can. Penny: You have to, we all have to be there at the same time to yell "surprise!" Howard: Okay, you have to understand something, we're in a hospital right now. Penny: Why, is Leonard okay. Howard: Leonard's fine. I'm fine, thanks for asking, by the way. Penny: Okay, I don't need your attitude, just hold him there a little longer. Howard: Look, I've done my best but he wants to go home and I don't know how to stop him. Penny: Okay, how about this. You keep him there a little longer and when you get to the party I'll point out which of my friends are easy. Howard: Don't toy with me, woman. Penny: I've got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem, I've got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat. Howard: Thy will be done. (Thinks. Reaches into back pocket, finds the half a granola bar from earlier. Looks down.) I'm doing this for you, little buddy. (Takes a bite.) Scene: The store. Sheldon is on the in-store computer. Sheldon: Okay, we don't have that in stock, but I can special order it for you. Penny (with shop assistant, points at Sheldon): Him. Assistant: Excuse me, sir, you don't work here. Sheldon: Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else. Penny: Sheldon, we have to go. Sheldon: Why? Penny: Well, for one thing, we're late for Leonard's birthday party. And for another, I told him to call security. Sheldon (to customer): Good luck. (To assistant) By the way, a six year-old could hack your computer system. Penny: Keep walking. Sheldon: Yeah, 1-2-3-4 is not a secure password. Scene: The hospital. Leonard: Excuse me, my friend is having an allergic reaction to peanuts. Nurse: No he's not. Leonard: Yes he is. Nurse: Look, sir we are very busy here and I just don't... (sees Leonard whose face has swollen all over) holy crap! Howard: Pees hep me! Nurse: Code 4, I need a gurney, right away, right away. Howard: Fank-u. Scene: The stairwell. Leonard: Say what you will about the healthcare system in this country, but when they're afraid of lawsuits they sure test everything. Howard: I really don't think the colonoscopy was necessary. Leonard: You know, before you got all swollen up, I actually thought you were trying to keep me out of the apartment so you could throw me a surprise party. Howard: Oh, right, it's your birthday, I had no idea it was your birthday, I completely forgot, wow, what a lousy way to spend a birthday, well it's all over now. Leonard: There is a party, isn't there. Howard: Maybe. Leonard: Howard. Howard: Are you mad? Leonard: how could I be mad? You actually risked your life because you cared about me. Howard: Yeah, that's why I did it. Leonard: Alright. Here we go. My first birthday party. (Opens door. Raj is drunkenly singing True Colors very badly into a microphone with his shirt off and a bandana round his head while waving a beer bottle. Penny and Sheldon are asleep on the couch and armchair respectively.) Raj: Dude! Everybody left an hour ago! Surprise! Time shift. View of a mobile phone video screen. Raj has a woman sitting on his shoulders. Raj: Okay Leonard, here I am at your birthday party, I don't know where you are dude, but it's really kick-ass. Everyone is very very drunk, and uh... (girl pours booze into his mouth) Oh look, there's a girl taking her shirt off. Penny: That's my friend Carol. Remind me, I've got to introduce her to Howard. Raj: Oh sweet Krishna, shake it, that-a rupee maker. Penny: I'm so sorry you didn't get your party. Leonard: Oh, it's okay. Penny: Happy birthday anyways. (She kisses him full on the lips.) Leonard: Hey Penny, when, uh, when's your birthday?
Plan: A: Penny; Q: Who decides to throw Leonard a surprise birthday party? A: his parents; Q: Who did not believe in celebrating anything other than achievements? A: Sheldon; Q: Who did Penny blackmail to join in on Leonard's birthday party? A: his mint condition comic books; Q: What does Penny threaten to draw a smiley face on? A: a present; Q: What does Sheldon forget to buy for Leonard's birthday? A: Howard; Q: Who pretends to eat a peanut bar to keep Leonard out of his apartment? A: the emergency room; Q: Where does Leonard drive Howard to after he eats a peanut bar? A: focus; Q: What does Sheldon lack at the computer store? A: the hospital; Q: Where did Howard and Leonard spend several hours after Leonard's allergic reaction? Summary: Penny learns that Leonard has never had a birthday party, as his parents did not believe in celebrating anything other than achievements. She decides to throw him a surprise party, and blackmails Sheldon to join in by threatening to draw a smiley face on each of his mint condition comic books. However, on the day of the party, Penny discovers Sheldon has not yet bought a present, so she has to drive him to a computer store to buy one. Meanwhile, Howard has the task of keeping Leonard out of his apartment before the party. Howard pretends to eat a peanut bar, to which he is allergic, so that Leonard will drive him to the emergency room. However, Sheldon's lack of focus at the computer store means Howard has to distract Leonard even longer, and he eventually actually eats the peanut bar, swelling up in a severe allergic reaction. After several hours at the hospital, Howard and Leonard arrive back at the apartment to find the party has ended, though Penny does kiss Leonard.
Act One. Scene One - Café Nervosa. Frasier is sat when Roz arrives and sits with him. Roz: Frasier, thank God you're here. Frasier: Why, what's wrong, Roz? Roz: My book club meets tonight and I haven't read the book. Frasier: Oh my, that is a literary 911! Wait, you joined a book club? Roz: Why is that so hard to believe? I like to read. Frasier: What's his name? Roz: [giving in:] Jason. Frasier: A-ha. Roz: We met at a book store and he asked me to join his club. He's separated, but I think it's for keeps. He was buying "Divorce for Dummies." Frasier: Sounds like a real catch, Roz. Roz: Anyway, I was supposed to read "The Great Gatsby" last night but I couldn't get Alice to sleep. So could you give me a quick summary? [takes out book and notes:] Frasier: Well, all right, er, it was a time known as the Jazz Age. Wall Street was booming, bootleg hooch was flowing and the young people were doing a new dance called the Charleston. Roz: Where were you when I was trying to get Alice to sleep, could you just get to it already? Frasier: Oh, all right, fine. [notices a blond woman who has just entered] Lorna Lenley! Roz: Okay, who's she? Gatsby's girlfriend? Frasier: The woman who just walked in. She was the great beauty of my high school. She had brains, looks, style and the way she filled out a mohair sweater - well, suffice it to say it was snugger on her than on the goat! Roz: Why don't you go over and say hello? Frasier: Oh God, Roz, she wouldn't even remember me. She was with the in-crowd. The only people that knew me debated, recited or were on a six-month visit from Abu Dhabi! [nervous:] God, she's coming over, she's coming over, she's coming over! Lorna: [arrives] Excuse me, didn't we go to high school together? Frasier: Did we? Lorna: Yes, I thought you looked familiar. You're Frasier, aren't you? Frasier: Well, that's right. [laughs] All right, let me guess, em, Lisa? Lorna: Lorna. Frasier: Oh yes, of course. Hello. Roz, I'd like you to meet Lorna Ann Lenley. [Lorna looks surprised] Anywhere close? Lorna: Very good! Although it's Gardner now, but I'm going back to Lenley, I was recently divorced. Frasier: Oh gosh, I'm sorry to hear that. Er, Roz our chatting isn't bothering your reading is it? Roz: Oh no, actually I... [off his glare:] Oh right, off I go! [goes to get her coffee] Frasier: So, er, I'm divorced myself actually. Lorna: Yes, I know, I listen to your show. Frasier: Really? Lorna: Well, I sell Real Estate, so I'm in my car all the time. So whenever I can, I turn you on. Frasier: Oh, my. [laughs] Lorna's mobile rings. Lorna: Excuse me, I'll have to get that. Frasier: No problemo. [goes to Roz's table] Roz, she's just as lovely as ever. Roz: So, are you going to ask her out? Frasier: Oh right, Legs Lenley and Crane the Brain - in my dreams! Roz: Frasier, you act like you're still some dorky teenager; you're a charming, successful man. Frasier: Thank you, Roz. Roz: [mimicking] No problemo. Lorna: [comes over] Excuse me, I have to go show a house. Frasier, it was really nice to see you again. Frasier: Oh, likewise. Er, Lorna, listen, I realise that this is out of the blue and you're very busy but I was wondering if you might like to... Lorna: Yes? Frasier: ...appraise my apartment. You see, I've decided to sell it. Lorna: Sure, I'd be happy to. In fact I'm free tonight. Frasier: Really? Well, how's seven 'o clock? I live at the Elliot Bay Towers. Lorna: Oh, wow! What a great building! Frasier: Yes, well. Lorna: You've certainly done well for yourself. Frasier: Yes, well, I think you'll find we've both come a long way since high school. You know, here, let me carry those for you. Frasier takes her books and helps her out of the café, smirking to Roz with delight as he follows her like the teenager that he is. Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Martin is putting his coat on as Frasier chats to him. Frasier: Dad! She'll be here any minute. Martin: Okay, I'm leaving. Frasier: Listen, I'm sorry to uproot you like this. Martin: Oh, it's all right. I'd rather clear the decks for a date than for one of your theme parties. Although I am kinda sorry I missed "An Evening With Moe Howard." Frasier: That was Noel Coward! Niles enters. They greet each other. Frasier: Oh, Niles, what are you doing here? Niles: Well, I've got a crisis. Tomorrow's Mel's birthday and I'm planning a very romantic evening but my Gagino is on the fritz. Martin: Oh jeez, I don't need to hear this! Frasier: Dad! It's a stove! Martin: I know; six burners and a griddle, don't you guys ever talk about cars? [exits] Niles: Frasier, I'm desperate, can I possibly use your kitchen tomorrow to prepare the meal? Frasier: Yes, of course, Niles. But listen, now you've got to go, I have a date. Niles: Oh! Anyone I know? Frasier: Well, as a matter of fact, yes: Lorna Lenley. Niles: Oooh! [then:] No, really, who? Frasier: It's true, I bumped into her today at the Café. Niles: Lorna Lenley?! You, sir, have moxy! Why, even with all my vested authority as hall monitor I could never muster the courage to ask to see her bathroom pass. And you asked her out! Whoa! I bow down before you, I doff my cap to you. Frasier: Well, actually it's not really a date. Niles: I knew it! Frasier: You see, she's coming over to appraise the apartment. She's in Real Estate and I tried to ask her out and I choked. I did get the impression that she was interested in me, though. Niles: Well of course she is. Oh and the coach called, you're starting the big game on Sunday. Frasier: All right, Niles, off you go. Niles however wants to stay. They begin arguing until the doorbell rings. Frasier: She's here. You've got one quick "hello" and then you're gone, mister. [opens door to Lorna] Lorna: Hello, Frasier. Frasier: Lorna, good to see you again. Perhaps you remember my brother, Niles. Lorna: Yes, hello Niles. He can only let out a giggle. Frasier: Well, now that you two have had a chance to catch up, I'll see you later. Lorna: Nice to see you again, Niles. Niles giggles again and exits. Lorna: Oh, Frasier, wow! What a great apartment! Frasier: Thank you. Lorna: Why are you selling it? Frasier: Oh, I don't want to bore you with the details, it's a very long, very complicated story. Lorna: Well, I'd love to hear it. Frasier: Er, well, I need more closet space. Could I interest you in some wine? Lorna: Oh, I would love some. Lorna takes off her jacket. She is about to lay it on Martin's chair but she is put off and props it on the couch. Lorna: Do you remember Chip Clayton's graduation party? Remember when we broke into his father's liquor cabinet and we made sangria out of a hundred dollar bottle of wine? Frasier: [laughs at the memory then:] No. Lorna: You know, I should make some notes on your apartment. [she begins to] Meanwhile, Frasier's conscience takes over as we hear his thoughts. Frasier: [v.o:] What are you doing? Tell her why you really asked her over and drop this ridiculous charade. You're not sixteen years old any longer. Lorna: Frasier, I'd love to see your bedroom. Frasier: Of course. [v.o:] Lorna Lenley wants to see my bedroom! Scene Three - Frasier's Bedroom. Frasier and Lorna enter the bedroom, she is amazed. Lorna: Oh, Frasier, wow, another great room. Frasier: Thank you. Lorna: Is this bed Scandinavian? [sits on the bed] Frasier: You have a good eye. [v.o:] Lorna Lenley's on my bed! Stop acting like an adolescent! Lorna: Frasier, are you all right? Frasier: No, no, actually Lorna, I'm not all right. You see, when I saw you this afternoon I immediately flashed back to the hopeless crush I had on you in high school. Of course it didn't help matters much that you've hardly changed a bit and I wanted to ask you out and I lost my nerve. Lorna: You mean all of this was just a ruse to get me up here? Frasier: I'm afraid so. So, now that I've sufficiently embarrassed myself, I'll show you out. Lorna: [walks to him] You know, Frasier, I have to say I'm really very flattered. Frasier: Really? Lorna: Yes. You know, it's not too late to ask me out. Frasier: Would you like to have dinner with me this evening? Lorna: I'd love to. Frasier: Wonderful. Frasier walks out of the room calmly with her, however his mind isn't so calm. Frasier: [ecstatic v.o:] I'm going out with Lorna Lenley! 2 GOOD 2 BE 4 GOTTEN Scene Four - Frasier's Bedroom. The following morning, Frasier and Lorna awake in each other's arms. Lorna: Hi. Frasier: Hi. Lorna: I had a wonderful time last night. Frasier: Me too. It's like being back in high school, but with s*x. Lorna: [laughs and kisses him] I don't want this to end. Frasier: I must warn you, now that I've learned to finally ask you out, I'll be doing a lot more of it. Are you free this evening? You see, there I go already. How about tomorrow night? Somebody stop me. [laughs] Lorna: Not me! [laughs and kisses him] I wonder what time it is? Frasier: Hm, well, [looks at clock] ten 'o clock. Lorna: [shouting and sitting up] Oh crap, I'm late! Frasier: Is there something I can do? Lorna: Oh, yeah, make this lousy hangover go away. Where the hell are those aspirins. [empties content of handbag on bed] Frasier: You know, perhaps I should get you a glass of water for those. Would you prefer sparkling or still? Lorna takes them with some leftover red wine on the table. Frasier: Or not, I see you're fine. Lorna: Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to finish this? Frasier: No, no, you're the guest. Lorna uses her mobile phone. Lorna: [into phone:] Yeah, it's me, I'm running late. Move my ten- thirty to eleven thirty. [shouts:] Just move it to eleven thirty! [starts to smoke] Frasier: I didn't realise you smoked? Lorna: Oh, I'm always trying to quit but my weight just balloons up. trust me, you don't want to see my ass when I'm off these things! Frasier: You know, I hate to be a fusspot but I'd prefer... Lorna's mobile sounds, she answers. Lorna: [into phone:] Yeah? Well, who let the dog in? Put your brother on! [shouts:] Put your brother on! Put your brother on! [to Frasier:] Would you be a sweetie and make me some coffee? Frasier: [intimidated:] Okay. Lorna: [into phone:] You know that mess better be cleaned up by the time I get home. Both of you! Put your brother on! Put your brother on! [shouts:] Put your brother on the phone! Frasier, frightened, half runs to the door. Lorna: [to Frasier:] Oh, this is nice. Frasier is not so sure and exits the bedroom. End of Act One. [SCENE_BREAK] Act Two. Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Martin and Niles enter the apartment. Niles is carrying cooking equipment. Martin: I still don't understand why you have to do all the cooking. Why don't you just take Mel out for a nice meal? Niles: Well, because through cooking I can truly express my feelings for her. You know, the French have a saying... Martin: Okay, okay, I was just making conversation until we got home. They meet Frasier in the kitchen. Martin exits to the kitchen as Frasier enters the main area. Frasier: Hi, dad. Hello, Niles. Niles: I could really use some help preparing this dish today, if you're not busy. Frasier: Oh gosh, Niles, I've got a lot errands to run. You know, why don't you ask Daphne? Niles: [after a pause] Ah, all right. Oh, oh, oh, how did things go with Lorna? Did you summon up the courage to ask her out? Frasier: Well, actually... Niles: Oh come on, Frasier, seize the moment. Faint heart never won fair lady. You know, the French have a saying... Lorna approaches him from behind and raffles his hair. Lorna: Hi, Niles. Niles exits to the kitchen, grinning like a school boy. Lorna: Come here. I have some really great news. [lights a cigarette] Frasier: Really? Do tell. They go out into the hallway. She calls for the lift. Lorna: Well, I called my office, and after my eleven-thirty I'm free for the rest of the day. Frasier: Oh well, what are you planning on doing? The elevator arrives. An elderly woman is stood inside. Lorna holds the lift. Lorna: Being with you, silly. [kisses him] Woman: Excuse me. Lorna: [shouts] I'm coming! [then:] You know, you are the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. [kisses him and the gets into the lift before kissing him again, she finally gets in:] I'm in, you happy?! [the doors close] Frasier breathes out her cigarette fumes in surprise. AH, THERE'S THE RUB Scene Two - Frasier's Kitchen. Niles is hard at work on a dish. Daphne is acting as his assistant. Niles: Whisk. [she hands it to him, he whisks] Spoon. [she hands it to him, he stirs] Cheesecloth. [she wipes his brow as he tastes before the oven pings] Perfect timing. Daphne, open the oven. [she does as he places it into the oven] Ready. Daphne: Shall I close, Dr. Crane? Niles: Please. [she does] Daphne: Do you think it'll be all right? Niles: It's out of our hands now, Daphne. They fall about laughing as Daphne playfully hits him over the head with the oven gloves. Niles: Thank you for your help. Daphne: Oh, my pleasure. I haven't had this much fun in the kitchen since your brother caught his tie in the pasta machine. [laughs] Niles: [laughs] Oh, and the real fun's just beginning - clean-up. Niles picks a pan up and yelps as he scolds himself. Daphne: Oh, you silly sod, here, run it under some cold water, I'll fetch the aloe cream. [he runs his fingers under the water] Come here. [begins to rub the cream in] This'll help. Niles: I can't believe I just did that. Daphne: Oh, I do that sort of thing all the time. You must be careful, those pan handles get awfully hot. Niles: Oh well, not anymore, it's got a protective coating of skin on it. Daphne is getting a little carried away whilst she rubs the cream in. Daphne: Just give it a minute to absorb. Niles: That'll be fine. [she carries on] I'm feeling better already. Daphne however is completely absorbed herself. Niles: Thanks, Daphne. Martin then enters and interrupts them. Martin: Hey, what's up? Daphne: [nervous] Nothing. Why should anything be up? Dr. Crane burnt his hand and I was tending to it, that's all. Oh my, look at the time, I've got to run. [she picks up the clock and then runs out] Martin: Burnt, huh? Well, you might want to keep something cold on that. [gets a beer from fridge] Here, you can hold my beer for me while I watch the game. Martin gives Niles the beer to hold and exits, leaving Niles to run through the recent event in his head. Scene Three - Café Nervosa. Frasier is sat when Niles enters and sits with him. Niles: Hello, Frasier. Frasier: Hello, Niles. How are you? Niles: Fine. Although the oddest thing just happened. Frasier: Oh, that man on the corner's name is Pete. If you give him a dollar his monkey won't make those rude gestures. Niles: No, this is about Daphne. I burned my hand while I was cooking and she began putting first aid cream on it and in a very tender way and then, em, dad came in and she jumped as if she felt guilty. Is it possible Daphne has feelings for me? Frasier: [quickly] No. Niles: Ah well, as long as you've considered it from all angles! Frasier: If she was tender it was because you burnt your hand, if she jumped it was because dad startled her. Come on, Niles, can't you see what's really going on here? Niles: Well, obviously I haven't a clue. I thought that man's monkey was waving hello. Frasier: Your relationship with Mel is growing deeper. Isn't it possible that your fear of commitment is driving your mind to throw up these imaginary road blocks? Niles: You think so? Frasier: Well, you do have a history with this. Remember the day after you proposed to Maris? You went that evening to the opera, you were convinced that Leontyne Price was winking at you the whole night. Niles: I suppose there could be commitment issues here. Cooking a meal for one's mate is a big first step. Frasier: Yes, especially for you. I mean Maris never let you cook for her. Niles: That's true, the closest I ever got was re-stocking the pills in her bedside Lazy Susan. Roz approaches from behind reading "Wuthering Heights." Roz: Hey, guys. Niles: Oh hey, Roz. Frasier, thank you. It's a big help. [exits] Frasier: My pleasure, Niles. Roz: Bye. [sits] Frasier: Oh, Roz, I see the book club has moved on to "Wuthering Heights." Well... Roz: Oh, please tell me they made a movie out of this. Frasier: Twice. Roz: Amen! [bags the book] So how did your date with Lorna go? Did you get up enough nerve to ask her to dinner? Frasier: To dinner and breakfast! We spent the night together. Roz: Whoa! You went to bed with the prom queen? Frasier: Yes, I woke up with "Carrie!" She smokes, she screams, she's uncouth, and I'm actually meeting her here to break it off. Roz: So soon? Frasier: Well... Roz: With the way your love life's been going, you may want to squeeze a couple more dates out of it. You know, nuts for the winter! Frasier: Please, Roz, I could never do that sort of thing. Whenever I know that I have no future with a woman, I end it, right then and there. Especially a woman like Lorna, recently divorced and vulnerable... Roz: You always take the high road. Frasier: Well, you know, I like to think so. You know, if there's one thing I've learned, my old high school wounds are not going to be healed by sleeping with the prom queen. Roz: Tell me about it: prom queen, assistant principal. You can't go home again! Frasier looks shocked as Roz stands, who notices Lorna entering smoking a cigarette. Roz: Good luck. [exits] Lorna: [sits] How are you doing, babycakes? [kisses him, breathing her cigarette breath into him] Frasier: [sarcastic:] Thank you. Now, listen, Lorna about tomorrow night, em... Lorna: Oh, I'm sorry, I know we have plans but I completely forgot. It's the retirement dinner for Coach Palet. Frasier: Who? Lorna: Our high school football coach. I'd love it if you'd go with me. Frasier: Well, I have to be honest with you here... Lorna: Oh, come on, it'll be fun. The old gang'll be there. Frasier: The old gang, you say. You mean like Chip Clayton and Lad Lunkquist. Lorna: Yeah, the whole crowd. Imagine the looks on their faces when they see us walk in together. Frasier: Yes, imagine. Lorna: Oh, come on, say you'll be my date. Frasier: Well, I wouldn't want to let down the coach. They kiss as the waitress brings her coffee. Lorna: [shouts back] Yeah, a spoon'd be nice! Frasier looks slightly nervous. Scene Four - Frasier's High School Frasier and Lorna arrive. They are just outside of the gym where the dinner is being held. Lorna: Oh, everyone's inside already, we're a little late. Frasier: I guess we'll just have to make a grand entrance, after you. Lorna: I just have to check my makeup. Frasier: Well, why tamper with perfection? Lorna: Oh, aren't you sweet? Frasier: Shall we? Lorna's mobile sounds. She answers. Lorna: Hello? [shouts] What now? What? What? [hits phone then to Frasier:] My phone's playing up, I'm sorry, just two seconds, sweetie. Lorna goes off to the side as Frasier checks on the gym. It sounds busy and Frasier looks excited. Lorna: [arrives back shouting into phone:] No, you can't have a party! Because I said so. Put your brother on! Put your brother on! Put your brother on- [aside to Frasier:] just a second, sweetie- [to phone:] -the phone! You know, do what you want, I'm on a date! [hangs up] Frasier: Are you ready? Lorna: Ooop, you know what, this hook keeps coming undone. [Frasier fastens the back of her dress] Frasier: You know, I just took a look inside there. Everybody's here, even old Mr. "Most-Likely-To-Succeed," Chip Clayton. Lorna: Chip Clayton's a moron! Frasier: Well, you used to be rather fond of him back in school. Lorna: Well, everybody's changed since high school. Except you. Truly, you're still the same sweet, decent guy you always were. Frasier: Thank you. [thinks] Lorna: No I mean it, believe me, I've been with enough jerks and users to know the difference. Let's go. Frasier: Lorna, I can't go in there with you. Lorna: Why not? Frasier: Well, because I came here for the wrong reasons: so all the cool kids would see me with school's most popular girl and I let you believe that we had hopes for some sort of a future when I know in my heart that there is none. Well, if you walk in there with me it would be as my trophy and I just can't do that to you, I'm so sorry. Lorna: You expect me to walk into a room full of my ex-classmates by myself? Like some pathetic divorcée who couldn't scare up a date for some old jock sendoff? I don't think so! Frasier: Lorna... Lorna: You know, I thought you'd be a nice rebound fling, get my feet wet dating again. You don't want that, that's fine. But I'll tell you what we are going to do: You're going to take my arm, you're going to escort me in that room, we're going to dance, make out like freshmen and leave with your hand on my ass, you got it? Frasier: Shall we? And so the two trophies walk into the room together. End of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Café Nervosa - a bespectacled Roz sits reading with her boyfriend Jason. They chat amiably about books until Roz drops her bag, spilling out a Cliff's Notes summary of their current book. Jason waves the book at Roz disgustedly and exits the cafe as Roz throws her book at his retreating back. [N.B. Jason is played by Jane Leeves's real-life husband, Marshall Coben.]
Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who is concerned that Lana and him have no future together? A: Lana Lenley; Q: Who is Jean Smart? A: Café Nervosa; Q: Where does Frasier run into Lana Lenley? A: real estate; Q: What is Lana Lenley's job? A: his apartment; Q: Where does Lana Lenley visit with Frasier? A: an appraisal; Q: What is the reason that Frasier invites Lana Lenley to his apartment? A: the night; Q: How long do Lana and Frasier spend together? A: The following morning; Q: When does Frasier see Lana's other side? A: the phone; Q: What does Lana shout down? A: their school football coach; Q: Whose retirement dinner does Lana invite him to? A: the reactions; Q: What does Frasier imagine the other students would do if they saw him with Lana? A: the formerly popular students; Q: Who does Frasier imagine would react if he went to the retirement dinner with Lana? A: Lorna; Q: Who does Frasier imagine he would be seen with at the retirement dinner of their football coach? A: Daphne; Q: Who tends to Niles after a minor injury? A: love; Q: What does Niles suspect Daphne is in? Summary: Frasier runs into Lana Lenley ( Jean Smart ) at Café Nervosa , who went to his school and was one of the most popular girls. She is now working in real estate . He invites her to visit his apartment under the pretext of an appraisal, and they end up spending the night together. The following morning, he sees another side to her: she smokes, shouts down the phone, and is not very refined, and Frasier becomes concerned that they have no future together. However, soon afterward she invites him to accompany her to the retirement dinner of their school football coach, and he imagines the reactions of the formerly popular students if they saw him arrive with Lorna. Meanwhile, after Daphne tends to Niles after a minor injury, he suspects that she may be in love with him.
[Scene: A Theatre, Chandler and Ross are there to watch the premiere of Kathy's play.] Chandler: Okay, she is the star of the play. And she is my girlfriend! I get to have s*x with the star of the play! Ross: People can hear you. Chandler: I know!! (The play starts.) Chandler: Wow! She looks great. Doesn't she? Ross: Yeah. (Onstage there's a knock on the door and Kathy opens it. We don't see what's going on, only hear it.) Kathy's Co-Star: Hi! Kathy: Hi! Ross: That is one good looking man! Chandler: Is it just me, or can you actually see his abs through his overcoat?! Kathy's Co-Star: Sooo, you've been doing this long? Kathy: No, you're my first. Put the money on the table. (Ross and Chandler have stunned looks on their faces as Kathy and her co-star start making out.) Kathy's Co-Star: Oh, yeah! Ooh, that's nice. (They start making out harder.) Ross: Dude! Kathy's Co-Star: Is that an expensive blouse? Kathy: If you want it to be. (Kathy's co-star rips her blouse off and buttons go flying into the audience, and one hits Ross. Chandler's mouth is on the floor.) Ross: Here's your girlfriend's button. (Holding the button.) OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is still unpacking after the move, and Phoebe is their also.] Phoebe: Oh, hey, Mon, do you still have your like old blouses and dresses from high school? Monica: Yeah, I think I have some around here somewhere. Why? Phoebe: Well, it's just that maternity clothes are so expensive. (Rachel enters) Monica: Hey, Rach! I made a pile of your stuff over on this side of the room. If you could just...(Rachel grunts and throws her purse at it)...throw your purses at it. Rachel: Bloomingdale's eliminated my department. (Phoebe gasps) Monica: Oh my God, are you out of a job? Rachel: No, but they stuck me in personal shopping. Which is just a huge step down! Phoebe: Personal shopping? What is that? Like where you walk around with snooty rich people and tell them what to buy? Rachel: Uh-huh. Phoebe: That sounds great! Joey: (entering) Hey! (Goes to the fridge.) Monica: Umm, excuse me, we switched apartments. You can't eat are food anymore, that-that gravy train had ended. Joey: (Holding a turkey leg) There's gravy? Monica: If you have the big apartment you have to deal with people coming over all the time. That fridge has got to be stocked, okay, that's your department now. (She takes back the turkey leg) (Joey climbs up on the counter and starts looking at the top of the cabinets.) Monica: What are you doing? Joey: I think I left a donut up here. [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are entering after the play. Phoebe and Joey are already there.] Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Hey! Phoebe: Ooh! How was Kathy's play? Ross: Well, Kathy gets half-naked and simulates s*x with a real good lookin' guy. Chandler: Yeah, it's like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it! Phoebe: That's a good idea for a business! Chandler: I'm totally screwed. Okay, they are gonna be hot and heavy on stage every night, and then they're gonna go to their cast parties and he's gonna try to undermine me. Y'know it'll be like, "So where's your boyfriend, what's-his-name, Chester?" And she'll go, "No-no-no, it's Chandler." And he'll go, "Whatever. Ha-ha-ha-ha!" Joey: (to Ross) That-that is a good trick. Chandler: All right, look, look, what am I gonna do? Joey: Chandler, look they're actors. They're there to do a job, just 'cause they work together, doesn't mean they're gonna get together. I mean just 'cause it happened with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, it doesn't mean it's gonna happen with them. Ross: Oh-oh, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger. Joey: Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Ross: Yeah. Phoebe: Hey, Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood. Ross: They're not a couple! Phoebe: Oh-okay, I get the game now. Joey: Okay look, look, let me ask you a question, when they were doing it on stage, was it like really hot? Ross: Oh yeah! Joey: Well okay, so then you're fine. The rule is when two actors are actually doing it off-stage all the sexual tension between them is gone. Okay? So as long as it's hot onstage you got nothing to worry about. It's when the heat goes away, that's when you're in trouble. Chandler: Really? Joey: Look, you guys have been to every play I've ever been in, have I ever had chemistry on stage? Ross: No. Joey: Noooo!! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the gang minus Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast. Ross and Chandler are sitting at the foosball table and eating.] Chandler: So uh, man, are you gonna go to the play with me tonight? Ross: Y'know what, I don't know how comfortable I am going to see how hot the s*x is between some guy and your girlfriend. Chandler: Yeah, I know but... Ross: Oh no-no-no, I'm there. Monica: (entering) Hey! Joey: Hey Mon! Want some pancakes? Monica: You made pancakes? Joey: Yep! Grab a plate. Monica: Okay. (She does so and starts to walk towards Joey to receive her pancakes.) Joey: No-no, stay right there. (Monica stops and Joey flips her a pancake, which flies over her head and lands in the living room.) Gettin' closer. Chandler: Okay, okay, but don't worry, because we also have cereals, muffins, waffles, and, jams, jellies, and marmalades. Which I'm fairly certain are the same thing. Joey: Listen also we're uh, we're watching the game here Saturday night, if people want to come over. Ross: Oh yeah! Monica: Oh, I was thinking about having people over for the game. Joey: Oh yeah, who's playing? Monica: The players. Ross: Somebody seems to be missing being the hostess. Monica: (laughs) Please, it's a relief is what it is, is what it is. Joey: All right Pheebs, stick out your plate! Phoebe: Oh. (Joey flips the pancake and Phoebe catches it and throws it on her plate.) [Scene: Bloomingdale's, Rachel's new job.] Rachel: (on the phone) Monica, I'm quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didn't even buy it! (Pause) I'm telling you I'm quitting! That's it! I'm talking to my boss right now! (Pause) Yes I am! (Pause) Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message. (Hangs up as her boss, Mr. Waltham, walks in.) Oh! Mr. Waltham, I ah really need to talk to you. Mr. Waltham: In a moment, please, I'm in the middle of a task. And you have a customer. (It's a really good-looking man, Joshua, that Rachel has an instant crush on. Well actually it's Tate Donovan, so it's not like she's really testing her acting skills.) Rachel: Hi! Joshua: Hi, I'm Joshua. Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel Green. What can I do for you Joshua? Joshua: Well, I need a whole new wardrobe. My wife, well my ex-wife... Rachel: Oh, I'm so sorry. (He walks over to look and some clothes and Rachel quickly turns around and adjusts her bra, trying to show off her assets.) Joshua: Anyway, she burned all of my clothes. I got away with two things. This suit and what turned out to be a skirt. Rachel: Well, at least that's a great suit. Joshua: Yeah, but it wasn't much fun dropping it off at the dry cleaners in the skirt. (Rachel laughs) So I need everything down to underwear, so if you're willing, I'm all yours. Rachel: Okay. Mr. Waltham: Rachel, you needed to speak to me? Rachel: No-no, that wasn't me! (To Joshua) Well, we should get started. Let me show you my underwear. (Joshua turns at that) The selection of underwear we carry. (He walks out and Rachel stares at his butt as he leaves. He makes a wrong turn.) Rachel: Oh-oh, sorry, it's this way, it's this way. (Motions to the correct way.) Joshua: It's this way? Sorry. (He walks past her and she again admires his butt.) [Scene: Kathy's play, Ross and Chandler are waiting for her in the lobby after the play.] Chandler: I'm right! Right? There was like no chemistry between them. Before they had heat, and now there's no heat! Now you know what this means, Joey told us what this means! Ross: All right, let's not jump to any conclusions. All right? There was some sexual chemistry between them. Chandler: Come on, it was like cousins having s*x up there! Ross: Here she comes. Don't say a word, okay? Just be cool, don't be...y'know you. Kathy: Hey you guys! Ross: Hey! Kathy: Hi! (Kisses Chandler) Thank you so much for coming again. Did you like it tonight? Ross: Oh, absolutely! (Chandler mumbles something.) Kathy: Wasn't Nick funny when he couldn't get his match lit? (Chandler laughs without opening his mouth.) Kathy: It's a good play, isn't it? (Chandler mumbles something, and Ross tells him to "Come on.") Chandler: Oh, I loved the play. You were great, and Nick ditto. Clearly you're having s*x with him. Ross: Okay, I... (Walks away.) Kathy: Clearly, I'm having s*x with him? Chandler: Oh come on, it was so obvious! There was no chemistry between you two! Kathy: Okay, so let me just get this straight. You're accusing me of cheating on you, and insulting my performance? Chandler: Y'know, I-I could see how this could happen, y'know you're up there every night, you're naked, touching, kissing. Kathy: Acting! Chandler, this is my job! I'm-I'm playing a part in a play! How can you not trust me?! Chandler: Well, you can understand, given how we started. Kathy: Oh, wow. I can't believe you're throwing that in my face. Chandler: Well, that is what happened, and I don't even see you denying this! Kathy: I'll tell you what, Chandler, why don't you call me when you grow up! Chandler: Yeah, well, don't expect that to happen anytime soon! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are there eating pizza as Rachel enters.] Rachel: I have the best job in the entire world! The most adorable guy came over today, and I got to dress him up all day! Phoebe: Rachel has a new doll. Rachel: Oh, I wish he was a doll, then I could get a Rachel doll and bump them together and make kissy noises. Oh! And he has the most beautiful name, I never realised it, Joshua! Josh-u-a! Joshua! Josh. Ross: Uh, hello! Rachel: Hi-e!! Phoebe: Ooh, what do I smell? Joey: I don't know, it smells good. (He goes over and opens the door to reveal Monica holding a plate of cookies and a fan to blow the smell across the hall.) Monica: Fresh cookies! Hot from the oven! Phoebe: Ooh! (They all go over to her apartment) Monica: Please, have some! Ross: Oh, yumm! Monica: Yeah, I've just been fiddling around in here making delicious treats for everyone. Joey: (Holding a magazine) Wow! The new Playboy! Monica: Yeah, it's just something I picked up. Ross: Cookies and p0rn, you're the best mom ever!! (Rachel laughs hysterically for no reason.) Phoebe: What? What? Rachel: Well, it was just something Josh said about v-necks, but you had to be there. Ross: Yeah, how does Jason look in a v-neck? Rachel: It's Joshua. Ross: Oh, whatever. (Laughs and gives Joey the thumbs up heading back to his apartment. Joey follows him) Monica: Wait! Wait! This isn't take-out! Phoebe: (getting up) Well, I hate to eat and run, but... Monica: No, wait, please don't go! I've got p0rn for you too! Phoebe: Yeah, I don't need it. Monica: People are supposed to wanna hang out here! Rachel: Why? Honey, what is the big deal? Monica: I'm the hostess! Not those guys! I'm always the hostess! I mean, I was always the hostess, I mean even when I was little, I mean the girls brought their dollies to my tea party, I-I served the best air. Phoebe: Well, why did you make like a whole big thing out of y'know, everyone has to hang out in the big apartment? Monica: 'Cause they took our apartment, I wanted to punish them. But I'm-I'm done now. They've suffered enough. Phoebe: If you wanted to punish them, you should've just made them hang out here! Rachel: Yeah, that's true. Monica: All right then, when I'm done with this place, it's gonna be ten times better than that place! Phoebe: Oh, are we gonna trash that place? (Chandler comes back, obviously drunk, and trips over the steps.) Chandler: Steps! (He opens the door to his apartment to Ross and Joey looking at the new Playboy) Slut! (Ross and Joey quickly hide the Playboy behind their backs. Chandler wonders into the girl's apartment.) You will all be very happy to hear that Kathy is sleeping with that guy! All: What?! Ross: So you were right? Chandler: I confronted her, and she didn't deny it! (Pause) I don't live here! (Goes back into his apartment and they all follow him.) Ross: Chandler! Rachel: Chandler, what did she say? Phoebe: Wait a minute. Joey: Come here. Monica: Are you sure? Chandler: Well, I may be drunk, but I know what she said! Then I went over to Beefsteak Julie's... Rachel: Beefsteak Charlie's? Chandler: Yes! See you and I have always been like-(motions that they think the same.) [Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Monica is lugging one of those floor polishing machines through the hallway. Rachel comes up the steps and stops when she sees Monica.] Rachel: Whoops. (Starts to go into Chandler and Joey's.) Oh, hey, do you need help with that? Monica: Nah, I got it. Rachel: Ooh, I just feel bad, I never vacuum. (She goes into Chandler and Joey's.) [Cut to inside the apartment.] Rachel: Hi! All: Hey! Rachel: So I was with Joshua for an hour today, and he has not asked me out. It's just so frustrating! Phoebe: Why don't you ask him out? Joey: Oh, yeah, totally! That's such a turn-on! Rachel: Really? It doesn't seem desperate? Joey: Oh-ooh, that's the turn-on. Phoebe: He just got a divorce right? Rachel: Hmm-mmm. Phoebe: So he's probably really nervous around women, y'know? Maybe, you just have to make the first move. Rachel: Yeah but, I've never asked a guy out before. Phoebe: (shocked) You've never asked a guy out?!! Rachel: No. Have you? Phoebe: Thousands of times!! That doesn't make me sound too good does it? Rachel: I don't even know how I would go about it. Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say, "Hey, how you doin'?" Phoebe: Oh, please! Joey: (to Phoebe) Hey, how you doin'? (Phoebe looks at him, and then giggles and looks away.) Rachel: You know what, I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna call him up, and I'm gonna ask him out. I can do that. Ask him out. (Practising) How you doin'? (Calls him) Hi! Joshua? It's Rachel Green from Bloomingdale's. (Listens) Yeah, umm, I was wondering if you umm, if you umm, left your wallet at the store today? Well, we found a wallet, and we-(Listens) the license? Well, that is a good idea! Uh, well, let's see here this says this license belongs to a uh, uh, belongs to a mister uh, Pheebs, and umm, yeah, so sorry to bother you at home. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye. (Hangs up) (to Phoebe) You've done that a thousand times? Phoebe: I've never done that. Rachel: Ohh, God, I just got so nervous that he would say no. Joey: Well, you gotta give him something that he can't say no too. Like uh, Knicks tickets! Invite the guy to a Knicks game, you're guaranteed he'll say yes! Rachel: Really?! You think that will work? Joey: Absolutely! And if it doesn't, can I get the extra ticket? (We hear a noise coming from Monica and Rachel's apartment.) Joey: What the heck is that? (They go open the door and reveal Monica being spun around on the floor polisher and getting the cord wrapped around her legs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Phoebe are watching a movie as Chandler comes in from his bedroom.] Chandler: Did she call? Phoebe: No, sorry. Chandler: All right, maybe I should call her. Joey: No! Forget her, man! You don't need her, you don't need that! Ross: He's right, what she did was unforgivable. Chandler: Well, yeah, but y'know, what-what if I was wrong? Ross: How might you be wrong? Chandler: Well y'know, what if she didn't actually sleep with the guy? Joey: Dude, tell me she actually told you this. Chandler: She did not have to tell me, I saw the play, and there was no heat. Back me up here, Ross! Ross: That's all you're basing this on? Chandler: That's not backing me up! Look, you said with the off-stage and the heat, and the onstage and the oy heat. Joey: Whoa-whoa, that-that was just a theory! There's a lot of theories that didn't pan out. The lone gunman. Communism. Geometry. Chandler: Oh my God!! [Scene: Bloomingdale's, Rachel's new job, she is waiting for Joshua and practising how to ask him out.] Rachel: Would you like to go to a basketball game with me? (Tries again.) You know, its funny, basketball, because I happen to have tickets too... (Tries again.) Umm, who likes the Knicks-(Joshua comes in from the dressing room.) Joshua: What do you think? Rachel: Oh! Well, as a single woman, who is available, I think you look great! Joshua: Huh. (She starts brushing the lint off and checking him out in the mirror.) Yeah? Rachel: Yep. Oh, yeah, look you great. (She puts her arm in his and checks how they would look as a couple.) Oh yeah. Yeah, this looks great. (Pause) Umm, so you like it? Joshua: I do. I do. I love it. In fact, I think I'm gonna wear it home. Rachel: Great. Joshua: All right, thank you so much for all your help. Rachel: Sure. Joshua: Well, I guess this is uh, I guess this is it. Rachel: Yeah-eah-ha! Joshua: Thanks. (He starts to leave) Maybe I'll see in the spring, with the uh, y'know, for the uh, bathing suits. Rachel: Oh well, you don't want to do that now?! Joshua: Ah, that's okay, thanks. Rachel: Okay. Joshua: Anyway, hopefully, I'll see you around sometime. (He goes out the door.) Rachel: Basketball! Joshua: (coming back in) I'm sorry. Rachel: I uh, I have two tickets to the Knicks game tonight if you're interested, just as a thank you for this week. Joshua: Wow! That would be great. Rachel: Really? Joshua: Yeah, that would be fantastic! My-my nephew is crazy about the Knicks! This is fantastic, thank you so much Rachel. (He takes the tickets and leaves as Mr. Waltham returns.) Mr. Waltham: Good morning. Joshua: Hi! (Mr. Waltham admires Joshua's butt as he leaves.) [Scene: Kathy's apartment, Chandler is knocking on the door.] Kathy: (opening the door) Hey. Chandler: Hey. I just, I just wanted to come over to-to say that I'm sorry. Y'know? I know I acted like the biggest idiot in the world, and I can completely understand why you were so upset. Kathy: Oh wow. I really wish you'd call me. Chandler: Yeah, I know, I-I wish I had too, but y'know I-I think this is a good thing. Y'know? 'Cause we've had our first fight, and now we can move on. Y'know, I know for me-(Notices a pair of men's pants on the chair.) Nick's pants? Kathy: Yeah. Chandler: Yeah. Well, I think our second fight is going to be a big one! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is debriefing Rachel on her rejection earlier that day and telling her what she should've done. Ross and Phoebe are watching.] Joey: Okay, for next time, what do you say? Rachel: I have an extra ticket. An extra ticket. Not, two tickets, I have an extra ticket. Ross: So the first time you ask a guy out, he-he turns you down? Rachel: He didn't turn me down! He's at the game isn't he? I got the date, I'm just not on it! Monica: (entering) Okay, it's ready. Come on. Joey: What's ready? Monica: Just come. (They all go over to her apartment.) Ross: Oh my God! Rachel: Wow! Monica! Phoebe: Great! Ross: This is beautiful! (She has cleaned it, completely redecorated it, removed the carpet, and polished the floor.) Phoebe: Oh did you-what did you-did you work for two days straight? Monica: Pretty much. (to Joey) So, what do you, what do you think of the floor? Joey: I don't know, it looks the same. Monica: You used to have carpet. Joey: Oh yeah! Monica: So I made snacks. Please, just hang out okay? I'm just gonna rest my eyes just a little bit. Ross: Look, Mon, do you want us to uh, come back later? Monica: Oh no-no-no, stay, stay, stay, just keep talking. I'm always the hostess. (Chandler returns.) Ross: Hey! Joey: How'd it go? Chandler: Well, she wasn't sleeping with him. Phoebe: Oh good! Chandler: She is now. Ross: What are you saying? Chandler: I'm saying that she... is a devil woman! Y'know I mean you think you know someone and then they turn around and they sleep with Nick! Nick, with his rock hard pecs, and his giant man-nipples! I hate him, I hate her! Well, I don't hate her, I love her. This is all my fault really. Phoebe: How? How is your fault? Chandler: Because, I-I should've called! Y'know if I had just called her after our big, stupid fight, she never would've gone out with Nick, and they would've ended up in bed together. I threw her at his man nipples! Rachel: Honey, this is not your fault, just because you guys had a fight, it does not justify her sleeping with someone. Ross: Well, if-if she thought they were on a break... (They all turn and glare at him.) CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Bloomingdale's, Rachel is sitting at her desk as Mr. Waltham comes in.] Mr. Waltham: Rachel, one of your customers seems to have left his billfold. A Joshua Bergen. Rachel: Really? Mr. Waltham: Will you call him? Rachel: Yes! I will! Absolutely! (She takes out his license and her license and holds them face to face with each other. She then proceeds to act like Dark Helmut in Spaceballs, and mimic a conversation between the two of them.) Hello, Rachel. Hi, Joshua. I left my wallet here on purpose. Really? Yes, I just wanted to see you again. Oh, I'm glad. Rachel, I'd like to say something to you. Yes? How you doin'?
Plan: A: Monica; Q: Who is determined to continue being 'the hostess'? A: Chandler; Q: Who accuses Kathy of cheating on him? A: Joey; Q: Who does Monica have to move in with after the girls have to switch apartments with Chandler and who? A: a play; Q: Where did Kathy and a fellow actor get steamy on stage? A: her apartment; Q: Where does Chandler discover Kathy is sleeping with her co-star? A: Rachel; Q: Who is unhappy after being switched to another department? A: a personal shopper; Q: What is Rachel's new job? A: Joshua; Q: What is the name of the handsome young customer that Rachel meets? Summary: Monica is determined to continue being 'the hostess' and strives to succeed after the girls have to switch apartments with Chandler and Joey. Chandler worries when Kathy and a fellow actor get steamy on stage in a play and unfairly accuses her of cheating on him. When he later goes to her apartment to apologize, he discovers she is now sleeping with her co-star. Rachel is unhappy after being switched to another department as a personal shopper. Her job attitude improves after meeting a handsome young customer named Joshua.
"His Leading Lady" CAST Dawson: James Van Der Beek Joey: Katie Holmes Pacey: Joshua Jackson Jen: Michelle Williams Andie: Meredith Monroe ALSO STARRING Gail: Mary-Margaret Humes Mitch: John Wesely Shipp Grams: Mary Beth Piel Bessie: Nina Repeta Abby: Monica Kenna *Cut to Dawson's room: Joey and Dawson are sitting on his bed watching a movie. It ends.* Dawson: So. What'd you think? Joey: That was the director's cut, right? 'Cause it seemed a lot bloodier. Dawson: No, I meant with you and me. We did it. Joey: Did what? Dawson: First official movie night, post-breakup. I'd say it went rather well. Joey: Yeah...well, congrats. I should probably go. Dawson: Where are you going...Jo? Joey: Well, Dawson, we watched a movie... Dawson: Hold on a second I have some pictures I want you to look at. Joey: You're really okay with all this. Dawson: What? You and me? Joey: Yeah... Dawson: Yeah. I'm just so happy we're past all that relationship trauma. Joey: Good. Me too. Dawson: Great! So...*motions to stack of papers with pictures on them he's holding* the big dilemma, now that you're officially helping me in the movie, is who is going to be cast as Sammy. Joey...you're a...distinct, unattainable original. Joey: Dawson, maybe you should progress beyond the notion that the character, Sammy, is me. I mean, why don't you look at it as finding an actress who can bring their own interpretation into the role. *Dawson acts like he's not sure about that.* Joey: I'm kind of....I'm amazed at how together you are about us. Dawson: Time to learn to let go. Plus, you let me go *Joey's face falls* so I mean, granted, at first, it was really hard for me to accept but I mean, you moved on. You're with Jack. You let go. So, in turn, I let go of you. Joey: Well, uh, since we're all letting go of each other...I really should go. Um....um....yeah...um, I'm really tired and you always have a lot to do... Dawson: I'll see you tomorrow, Joey. Joey: Yeah....um....goodnight. Dawson: Goodnight. *She hesitates at the doorway and turns around to look back at him. He's glancing over the papers for the role of Sammy. She looks slightly hurt by this.* *Cut to Joey in her art class. They're drawing a nude girl.* Teacher: Try and invoke a feeling that you have for the subject. Remember, this is your work so personalize it. If you see the world in triangles...then go with it. *He walks behind Joey and glances at her sketch.* Teacher: Excellent work, Joey. You're coming along nicely. Joey: Thanks. *Dawson enters the room and walks up to Joey. She looks very surprised when she sees him.* Dawson: Joey...hey. *Joey looks around wildly.* Joey: Dawson, what are you doing here? Dawson: I had to do some research at the college library but I wanted to give you my revised draft...hot of the presses. Joey: Thanks but I'm in class. *Dawson moves to look at her drawing, then he looks at the model.* Joey: Dawson... Dawson: She's n-naked. Joey: Yeah, okay, peep show's over now get out or you're going to get me in trouble. Teacher: I'm sorry but this class is closed to wide-eyed visitors, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Dawson: Sorry... *When he turns to leave he runs into an easel. He finally gets out the door. We cut to a picture of the face of the model, who is DEVON (Rachel Leigh Cook)* *Cut to Pacey in Andie's room reading a magazine.* Pacey: Hey it says right here that I can have the butt I always wanted in three weeks. Andie: Pacey, I've seen your butt you have nothing to worry about. *Pacey moves towards the full-length mirror and starts looking at his own butt.* Pacey: You know, it's no wonder we have such an obsession with the posterior. It's impossible to get a good sense of one's own butt, you know? *Andie comes out of the bathroom attached to her bedroom.* Andie: Pacey? Are you checking out your own butt in the mirror? Pacey: Me? No... *He quickly goes back over to the bed and picks up the magazine again while Andie goes back into the bathroom and takes out her pills and takes them. A few seconds pass and Pacey gets up to see what Andie's doing and by then she's done.* Pacey: I do agree with you though. This butt *grabs his* belongs in the Hall of Fame, what do you say? Andie: Mmm. Nice try. *Andie sits down on her bed while Pacey goes into the bathroom to get a tissue. He spots a medicine bottle in her trash. He picks it up, and it's the zanX medicine she had when Pacey saw her in the drug store. He leaves the bathroom with a confused look on his face. Cut to Dawson in the college library. From behind the shelf behind Dawson, we see Devon.* Devon: See anything you like? *Dawson spins around.* Dawson: Oh my God....you're the-- Devon: Model. My name's Devon. Dawson: Hi. Um...Dawson. You must think I'm a total perv. Devon: Actually, I was leaning more towards deviant. My psych profesor would say you were, um, suffering from some sort of latened desire. The need for someone to watch you...watching. Dawson: Well...sorry to disappoint ya. I was just dropping something off for a friend. It was just an unluck-- Devon: Well, psych's not my major, anyway. *She walks away but Dawson persists.* Dawson: How do you do that? Model naked? It's kind of uncomfortable... Devon: Well, actually I'm a drama major so I look at it as kind of an acting exercise. Plus, it helps and the money doesn't suck. Dawson: So you're an actress? Devon: Mm-hm. Dawson: That's interesting...I'm, uh, directing a movie. Devon: Oh, I didn't know they had a film school here! Dawson: They don't. I'm, uh, still in high school. Devon: And you're trying to make your first film. That's cute. Good luck. Dawson: It's my second film, actually. My first film won the Junior division in the Boston Film Festival. And they gave me the funds to make my second effort. Devon: *not that enthused* Impressive. Dawson: You know what? I'm actually still casting. There's one part I haven't casted yet...it's one of the leads. We, um, start filming in 2 days. It's kind of a current situation, but, um, I'd love it if you'd read it. Devon: And it's funded by the Boston Film Festival? Dawson: Yeah, look, um, I understand your skepticism but...give it a read. The part of Sammy. My address and phone number are on the front. I'd love to hear what you think. Devon: Be careful, Dawson. Stronger men have been crushed by what I think. *She walks off. Dawson stares after her. Cut to Jen's house. Grams walks in with another boy carrying groceries.* Jen: Ah, Grams! You're a God to me. We're in desperate need of snacks for rehearsal. Grams: Oh, Jennifer! This is Tyson Hicks. He was kind enough to help me with my groceries. Ty: Uh, it's Ty, actually. It's great to meet you. Jen: Nice to meet you, too, Ty. Ty: So your grandmother tells me that you're working on a movie. Jen: Yeah...yeah...we're just gearing up to start. Grams: Jennifer, Tyson has expressed an interest in helping out with the picture. Aren't you a little short-staffed? Jen: Yeah, yeah, um, do you have any experience working on a film set before? Ty: Well, um, no, but I've worked on a bunch of theater productions, and I'm pretty good with my hands and a fast learner. Jen: Yeah, that sounds great. We can use all the help we can get, Ty. Even Grams has been doing craft service so... Ty: Great. Well, you can use me for anything. Jen: Excellent. *Cut to Dawson's room. Pacey and Dawson are moving posters to different locations around his room.* Dawson: So you found a bottle of prescription pills...so what, Pacey? Take a look in my parent's medicine cabinet. It's a veritible pharmacy. Pacey: Yeah but this is zanX, Dawson. Not exactly your typical Saturday night muscle relaxant. It's for severe anxiety. You've never noticed Andie being any more high-strung lately, have you? Dawson: Uh, no, actually I've been too busy watching her bounce off the walls. Pacey, if you're worried why don't you ask her about it? Pacey: Because, man. I don't want to make the situation any worse. She's already under enough stress as it is with her family. The way I figure it, if she wants to open up to me, then she will. But it's also not really in my nature to just sit by while the girl suffers. I mean, I want to help but... Dawson: She's operating under a lot of stress though, Pacey. The only thing that you can really do is make sure the time spent with you is as stress-free as possible. You know, help her have fun. Pacey: Yeah... *Pacey turns to see what Dawson is doing and he's taking the E.T. poster down.* Pacey: Dawson, what are you doing, man? We just put the E.T. poster up. Why are you taking it down? Dawson: Yeah, but there...it's not in the shot. Over here, it'll be in the perfect position. Pacey: You know, I understand that we have budgetary restraints but don't you think telling your life story in your own bedroom is a little perverse? Even for you? *Dawson gives him a look. Cut to Dawson outside, later in the evening setting up a cardboard TV. Devon walks up.* Devon: Hey there! Dawson: Hey! How are ya? Devon: Good. I read your script. Dawson: You did. Great...and what did, what did you think? Devon: I didn't love it. Dawson: *disappointed* Really? Devon: I mean, all the angst and the over-analyzing and the hesitancy to act on...anything. I mean, I really had to search my psyche and call back my adolescence. Dawson: Ah, a few whole years ago. Devon: Dawson, there is a vast difference between us. Anyway, the script's a little heavy-handed and overly rubose. Dawson: What your saying is you're not interested. Devon: What I'm saying, Dawson, is that I managed to muddle through the $20 words and psychospeak and get to the core of the Sammy character. Dawson: I think what I'm saying is I'm not interested. The more and more I think about it...you're not right for the part. You're too...small. Devon: So what you're saying is because I had an opinion of your script, you're not going to let me read for the part? Here's the cold, hard truth, Dawson. If you can't take a little constructive criticism. You're never going to make it. Good luck in high school. I'm sorry I wasted my time. *She starts to walk off* Dawson: Wait a minute! Wait a minute, Devon! I'm sorry. Maybe you're right. Maybe I overreacted. I mean, you came all the way down here, the least you should get to do is audition, right? We can read Scene 5...I think it starts on page-- Devon: Actually, I was thinking we could do Scene 15, more towards the middle. Dawson: *kind of taken aback/surprised* Okay... Devon: K, just, uh, give me a minute... Dawson: Sure... *Devon looks over the script and acts like she's really focusing. She then walks over towards Dawson like she's ready.* Dawson: Okay. *in character* Sammy, if you could only see yourself through my eyes. Devon: You know, for the longest time, I thought that was what I wanted. For the boy across the creek, my best friend, to see me as beautiful. *Dawson stares at her studying her acting, obviously pleased.* Devon: (cont.) But this is just...*brings hands to lips* cosmetic enhancement and hairspray. I'm still the same old Samantha. The girl who resides on the wrong side of the creek. And if you look closely, Wade, you'll see. It's just me. *out of character* Is that kind of what you had in mind? Dawson: That was kind of...perfect. *Devon smiles. Cut to the S.S. Icehouse the next day. Jack walks by Joey behind the counter.* Joey: *to Jack* Hey, um, I've got to get out of here early because I promised Dawson that I'd help him with tomorrow's shoot. Jack: *smiles* Okay, um, do you think he'll have us working all day? Joey: Us? Jack: Yeah, yeah...Jen said that they were understaffed and she asked me to help out and Bess said she'd cover my shift so... Joey: Oh. *pauses* And how does Dawson feel about this? *Jack just shrugs and walks off leaving Joey confused. She grabs a tray and heads off to one of the tables where Devon is sitting at.* Joey: Can I get you something to drink? *Devon just stares at her, observing her.* Joey: Um, are you ready to order? Devon: *mocking her* Are you ready to order? *Joey is completely weirded out.* Joey: Is everything okay? Devon: Yeah, um, I'll have a hamburger, fries, and a Diet Coke. *As Joey writes down the order, Devon observes how she writes and starts mimicking her movements.* Joey: Um, okay. I'll be right back with your drink. *Joey pulls a piece of hair to tuck it behind her ear and Devon does the same. Joey is completely perplexed at this by now. She walks back over to the counter by Jack.* Joey: Um, Jack, uh, could you go help that girl out there? She's really weirding me out. *Cut to Devon making some actions with her hand in deep concentration. Jack comes out with her drink.* Jack: Here you go. Devon: Thank you. Jack: You're welcome. *He starts to walk away but she stops him.* Devon: Um, excuse me. Do you know that waitress over there? *She motions to Joey* Jack: Uh, you could say that. Devon: Would you mind telling me everything you know about her? *Jack's face falls, perplexed by Devon's curiosity. Cut to Andie's house in the backyard. Andie is sitting on a porch swing studying when Pacey enters.* Pacey: Hey McPhee! Andie: Hey! Pacey: How's it hangin', girl? Andie: *sighs* I've been reading this paragraph for the last 20 minutes. I can't concentrate. I have a ton of homework. Pacey: Um, listen, I've been wrestling with whether or not to confront you about this. Um, I think I'm going to just get it out in the open. Do you want to talk to me about the pill bottle I saw in your bathroom the other day? Andie: It's my mother's. Pacey: If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine, Andie, but don't lie to me. Andie: I started taking it right after Tim died. It helped to even out my mood swings. Pacey: Why'd you feel like you had to hide it from me? Andie: I don't know. I guess I was afraid of how you'd react but it doesn't matter now, anyway. You know, my doctor's not going to refill my prescription. She said she wants me to try therapy for my stress but thinking about that makes me just more stressed out so... Pacey: Well, maybe therapy isn't such a bad idea. It couldn't hurt. Andie: Look, Pacey. I can take care of myself. Don't look so worried! I'm okay. Pacey: But if you weren't okay, you would tell me right? Andie: Yeah! *Cut to Dawson at rehearsal with Devon, Chris, and Jen.* Dawson: Okay the scene will open up with a you two on the bed. Sammy you will be on the left and Wade, you will be on the right. Whatever's comfortable. It's really casual. *to Jen* Hey! Um, how are ya? Abby's late again so I want you to read the part of Kim. Enter from the door here. Jen: Um...yeah...okay...yeah...what page are you guys starting from? Dawson: 17. K, are you guys ready? And action. *Everyone is in their roles. Jen (aka Kim) walks in.* Jen: Hey guys! Chris (aka Wade): Hey! Devon (aka Sammy): I thought it was video night. Chris (aka Wade): Well, it is. Kim doesn't really know anyone in Creekside so I just invited her to join us. Devon (aka Sammy): Isn't watching movies a little, oh, mundane for someone from the big city? Jen (aka Kim): Listen...if I'm intruding... Chris (aka Wade): *gets up and puts arm around Jen* No, no, not at all. The more the merrier. Dawson: No. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Go backwards. Chris the way you're saying it now it sounds like you're trying to get them into a menage a trois. I mean, you're interested in Kim, but Sammy's just your friend. I mean, she's your best friend but just your friend. I mean, the choices are subtle but they're very specific. Chris: But Dawson, it's obvious that Sammy's into me. Am I just supposed to ignore that? Dawson: Yeah. I mean, no, actually. You're not ignoring it. You're just not aware of it yet. *Chris still seems confused.* Jen: Um, Dawson! Come here for a second. *They go over to the side.* Dawson: *sighs* I know I casted a jock but he's got the inside of a warthog. Jen: I know, okay, maybe you should let up a little. *Dawson spots Joey, who's been watching this whole time.* Dawson: Joey! *Devon gets up and walks towards her, too.* Dawson: Joey, come here. There's someone I want you to meet. Devon, this is Joey. Joey, Devon. Joey: Yeah...you came into the Icehouse yesterday. Devon: Yeah. Now you know why I was acting so peculiar. I was studying you. It's just, Dawson told me the character was based off you... Dawson: You recognize Devon from art class? Joey: Oh, yeah. The clothes threw me at first but you know... Dawson: Um, I've got to talk to Chris for a bit, but you two can talk, get to know each other and you can study her manners. *Dawson walks off towards Chris.* Devon: So anyways, I was going for a new method approach to Sammy and I was wondering if you had any character insights for me. I have a couple dozen questions I want to ask you. Joey: A few dozen? Devon: Well, I think that Sammy and Wade are soulmates who will be forever connected by an overpowering, transcendent love...what do you think? *Joey just stands there staring at her awkwardly, speechless.* [SCENE_BREAK] *Cut to Devon and Chris, in character doing a scene through the perspective of a camera lens.* Devon (aka Sammy): Stop! *Chris stops briefly* Dawson: (from off-camera) Don't stop! Keep going! *Chris starts walking again.* Devon: (aka Sammy): Why are you running away from me? Chris (aka Wade): Because for the first time in 15 years you are the last person I want to see. Dawson: Hold on. I've got to move it-- *Dawson crashes into a camera. Jack was pushing him.* Jack: Sorry! I'm sorry, Dawson! Dawson: *sighs* Okay, um, *to Devon and Chris* you guys can take five. Jen: Dawson, we should really try and get the first shot off before we start taking breaks, okay? *Jen walks away by Ty.* Jen: Ty, is there a problem? Ty: Jen, I would like to say that this accident could have been avoided but with you standing nearby, I lose all ability to concentrate on the job at hand. Jen: Down boy. *Cut to Jack and Joey.* Jack: Joey, I want to ask you...this whole thing really bothers you, doesn't it? I mean, life layed out for the whole world to see. Joey: Please, it's a movie. Why should it bother me? Jack: 'Cause it's about you. If I was trying to get over somebody, and get on with my life, the last thing that I would do is make a movie about it. Somebody needs to tell Oliver Stone over there that this whole war is over. Joey: Look, Dawson is clearly over me. I promise. Jack: Well, where's your evidence because I have proof to the contrary. Joey: Don't think so much, Jack. I mean, everything is going to be fine. Don't worry about it...it's just *makes faces like it's no big deal.* Jack: You're right. Just as long as you're over him, nothing else matters. Dawson can do whatever he wants. *Jack leans in and they kiss and then hug and we see Joey's face which is doubtful of her being over Dawson. Cut to a montage of shots making the film ranging from Jack's earphones being way too loud to Devon mimicking Joey's every move. Joey and Jack kiss another time during it, too. Cut to Jen and Ty inside the school.* Ty: Hey! Jen: Hey! Being a good boy? Ty: Always. Jen: I'm disappointed. *holding neck* Ah, I've got the worst cramp. Ty: Here. Let me help ya. *He starts massaging her neck.* Jen: Feels like you've got some experience at this. Ty: And being manipulated into a neck rub, yeah! Jen: Maybe I can also manipulate you into...coming out with me tonight. I think after this scene I'm really going to need to loosen up. Ty: I think that could be arranged. One stipulation. You've got to put yourself in my hands. Jen: Well, they are good hands. *She smiles and she walks off. Cut to Dawson, Devon, and Chris walking out of school talking about the film.* Chris: All I'm saying, Dawson, is that I don't think my character would play it hurt. Devon: And I don't know where my anger is coming from. I'm confused. Dawson: Okay, I think that's enough for today. Chris: See I think he should try and play it cool. Save some self-dignity and not throw all his emotions out of swing. Devon: And I don't think I'd blow a gasket over this. Dawson: Okay...Chris, not everyone is as cool as you, okay? When Wade finds out his girlfriend kissed another guy, he's...crushed. The last thing he's thinking about is reserving a little self-dignity. And Devon, you're an angry girl. That's part of the essence of who you are. And right now, you're frustrated that Wade can't see that you've moved beyond him. Chris: Dawson, I can't relate. I've never been there. Dawson: Okay, um... *Dawson spots Joey talking to some people across the yard. Through his next dialogue, clips of Joey talking, muted, in slower motion, are shown.* Dawson: It's agony. Complete, excruciating agony like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and stomped on. You can't breathe. You don't want to eat. You can't function. It's the most intense pain that you'll ever feel and the worst thing is there's no way to relieve it. It's unyielding, merciless torture and you know that....it's yours for life. And Devon, you feel completely misunderstood. You feel like this guy who you've known all your life can't see the hope and potential of what you can become and you're, you're petrified. You're confused. You're afraid to stay with him. You're afraid to stay without him. You feel so alone. *He stops and he looks back at Joey. Devon notices he's looking. Cut to Joey inside the school laying out sheets of people with photographs attached. Devon walks in.* Devon: Sammy, I was wondering if I could speak with you for a moment. Joey: It's...Joey. Devon: Right! Um, I'm having a problem with this scene. I don't really get where my anger comes from. I, personally, am not angry by nature and I was just wondering if you could show me how you do it. Joey: Do what? Devon: Be angry. Joey: Oh, you see, I'm not actually angry by nature, that would be the fictional part of this autobiographical tale. Devon: Right....so tell me, how do you date one guy when you're in love with another? Joey: Look. I know what you're trying to do. Don't go there. Devon: Please. I see you lip-locked with that puppy dog but yet clearly your heart is still with Dawson.What is this guy, Jack? Your safety net? Joey: Oooh. You're good. But I'm not that easily manipulated. *Jack walks in and sees them.* Jack: Is everything okay? Devon: Tell me, Jack, what's it like being the transition guy? Joey: Would you stop it?! Devon: You know it must be really hard to open your heart to a girl who's heart is reserved for someone else... Joey: Look you annoying little third-rate wannabe, why don't you take your irritating self and pray on someone who doesn't see through your pathetic attempt to masquerade bitchiness as research. Devon: Thank you. *She walks off.* Jack: What was that? Joey: She's too short to play me. *Cut to Andie furiously following Devon.* Andie: What do you mean you don't have it? It was in your hair! Devon: Well, now it's not. Andie: Okay, that barrette was a prop, and I'm in charge of all props. I need to get it back. Devon: Well you better go find it. Andie: Oh, like I have any idea where to start looking for some tiny little barrette okay?! It could be anywhere. How could you have been so careless for something that wasn't even yours. Don't you realize that people have jobs to do? Or does the whole world just revolve around Devon? Devon: Get a grip, Prop Girl. *Pacey comes up and pulls Andie away.* Pacey: Okay... Andie: Did you see that?! Pacey: Yeah... Andie: Do you believe her?! Pacey: I'm starting to get a little worried about you, McPhee. Andie: Well, don't be. I'm fine. Pacey: No, you're not fine. Andie: Oh, great! Thanks for the support, Pacey! Pacey: Hey! Just tell me what to do here. 'Cause I'm starting to feel like I'm getting screwed either way. Andie: My dad is in I.A. (?), my mom is barely to losing it, I'm holding on by my fingertips, and you're the one getting screwed! Oh, that's right. It's always got to be about Pacey! Pacey: Don't make me the bad guy, Andie. I'll be your shoulder to cry on, I'll even be your punching bag, but I'm not the bad guy. Andie: Pacey, I keep adding things to my list instead of substracting. With school, my mother, Jack, you, something's got to give and the way I see it, there's only one thing expendable on that list. Pacey: C'mon, Andie. You're not in the right place to make that decision now. I just...you're not thinking straight, okay? Andie: Yes I am. For the first time, I'm seeing everything crystal. It's you, Pacey, you're the one that's got to give. We need to cool it because us, that's the problem. Pacey: Andie, you don't mean that. Andie: Yes, I do! And if you really care about me and you really want to help me then you would just back off and leave me alone! *Andie storms off leaving a saddened Pacey behind. Cut to Dawson shooting a scene with Chris and Devon. Joey's watching angrily in the background.* Dawson: And...action! Devon (aka Sammy): At least let me explain. Chris (aka Wade): What purpose could that possibly serve? You kissed another guy. In my mind, there's absolutely, unequivically nothing left to say! Ever. Devon (aka Sammy): You don't even want to know why, do you? You don't even listen to me! Chris (aka Wade): What justifiable reason is there that the girl who spent her entire life pretending that I was the only thing that mattered...threw it all away for a 30 second cheap thrill. Dawson: And...cut! That was incredible! That was great! Jen: Alright, great, you guys! Great shot! Let's get movin on and set up the next one before we lose the light, alright? Dawson: *to Chris and Devon* Wow... *Joey storms up angrily* Joey: Dawson! *Dawson turns around.* Dawson: Wasn't that scene incredible? Joey: Yeah! *grabs him by the arm* We need to talk! *Cut to Joey leading Dawson into a classroom.* Joey: Dawson, why do you insist on reliving in excruciating detail one of the most painful experiences of our lives? Is this your peversely, self-defeating way of moving on or are you just trying to punish me? Dawson: *confused* Neither. Joey: How can you be so okay with this, Dawson? I mean, didn't we mean anything to each other? Isn't anything sacred with you? I mean, I know that you've gotten over us and everything that we went through but has it ever occurred to you that maybe I haven't? I mean, it takes time and I'm happy that you are and I'm glad that you've found it so easy to move on but, you know, this movie is self-indulgent and unfair! Dawson: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Let's take a little refresher course, Joey! You broke up with me, okay? You have a new boyfriend. You found your art passion. You have a whole new life! And what do I have? Joey: A self-obsessed movie! Dawson: Well, forgive me for not letting go of the one thing that I've got left! Joey: Well, that's not healthy, Dawson! Dawson: I'm not going to sit here and listen to you bitch at me about what I've done, Joey! You left me! You dumped me! I haven't moved on! Okay? I haven't let go! And that's why I'm clinging for dear life to the one thing that's keeping me going! *Dawson storms out and slams the door to the classroom. Cut to Grams inside the school wrapping things up. Jen walks in.* Jen: *talking to an extra* Thanks for a good day. Um, tomorrow call time's 8:30. *She walks over to Grams* Jen: Hey! Need some help, Grams? Grams: You know, Jennifer. I watched you today and you know what I saw? Jen: Why do I feel a lecture coming on here? Grams: I saw all these young people working together as a team for a common goal and I was so impressed. Then I realized who was in charge of everyone and I was so proud. I found myself watching a beautiful, accomplished, young woman who just happened to be my granddaughter. Jen: Well, I hope I had everybody else fooled because I was definitely flying by the seat of my pants. Grams: *laughs* A woman movie producer. In my day, women didn't have many options. You got married, raised a family, but now, what a wonderful time to be a woman. You can do or be anything you want and without a man by your side. Jen: Couldn't resist that one, huh? *Ty walks up.* Ty: We just wrapped the last shot so I'm ready to go whenever you are. Jen: Just give me a second, k? Ty: K. Jen: *to Grams* Okay, go ahead. I know that you're dying to get it off your chest. Grams: Have a nice time, dear, you deserve it. Jen: Thanks, Grams. *Jen walks away.* Grams: Just don't stay out too late! Jen: I know... *Cut to Dawson walking down the hall by Pacey sitting on his knees leaning against the lockers.* Dawson: Hey Pacey! Pacey, you look terrible. Pacey: Well, I should. I mean, I really kind of screwed it up with Andie. Pushed too hard. Dawson: What happened? Pacey: Um, well, she told me I'm the element in her life that she can do without. Dawson: Did she mean it? Pacey: Yep...she meant it.. Dawson: Then, let her go. Pacey: What? Dawson: I think you should let her go. I really do. I mean, don't just pay lip service. Just let her go. Pacey: Like what you're doing with Joey? Dawson: Like what I'm trying to do with Joey. I mean, I've been fooling myself, Pacey, but I think I'm going to do it. That's the only way to get someone back to you. Pacey: You know, Dawson, as text-book healthy as the letting go theory sounds, and, you know, it may work out for ya, it doesn't apply to me. I mean, this isn't just a case of teen romance gone sour. I know what I want. I want Andie. And she's hurting right now and whether she knows it or not...she needs me. I have absolutely no intention of letting her go. *Pacey turns and walks down the hall. Cut to Jen and Ty walking down a sidewalk.* Jen: I'm kind of hungry. I was hoping maybe we could grab a bite to eat. Ty: Well, they'll have stuff to munch on here. It's my friend Lloyd's place. He's having a get together and I told him I'd stop by. Jen: A party? Why didn't you say so? I'm always up for a good party. Ty: Cool! *They go into the house and there's just a few people standing around drinking out of plastic cups.* Ty: Hey guys! Lloyd: Hey everybody! Ty's here. We can get started. Hey I brought a friend with me. Jen this is everyone, everything this is Jen. Jen: Hi...everyone. *Everyone who's there comes into the living room to join up.* Lloyd: Okay, last time we stopped on the First Book of the Kings. *The camera pans the room where everyone is pulling out their bibles. Jen looks surprised/confused/disappointed.* Lloyd: Why don't we pick it up from Chapter 9: Gods Promise and Warning. *Ty smiles at Jen as she nervously smiles back.* Lloyd: If you turn from following me, you or your children, or my commandments and statues that I have set before you... *Cut to the doorbell rings at the McPhee's. Andie runs down the stairs in her bathrobe.* Andie: I'm coming! *She opens the door to find Pacey holding a rose.* Andie: Go away, Pacey. *She shuts the door in his face. He starts knocking on the door.* Andie: I'M IGNORING YOU! *Cut to outside. Pacey is disappointed. He spots something, though. He walks around to the side of the house. Cut to Andie in her room. She hears something outside and opens her window and Pacey is climbing the (I forget what they're called) to her window.* Andie: Are you nuts?! What are you doing?! Pacey: Is this thing (missed words 'cause Pacey had the rose in his mouth)? *Pacey slips a little.* Andie: Oh my God, be careful! *holds up rose* Pacey: For the lady. Andie: I don't believe you. Is this your way of staying away from me? Pacey: Oh, yeah, about that. I've decided not to. You see you need me, McPhee. I mean, come on, who else is going to put up with you? Andie: You know it's just one shove and it's a long way down, Pacey. Pacey: I'd just have to climb right back up. Andie: Okay, you know what? You're acting like a psycho and the last thing I need in my life, right now, is another crazy person. Go home, Pacey. *She tries to shut the window but Pacey grabs it.* Pacey: No. I'm not going to let you push me away, McPhee. You know, I think I forgot to mention that I'm actually a charter member of the Andie McPhee Fan Club and as a matter of policy, our right to ration(?) never waivers. Through the good times or the bad. Andie: I just...want to feel better, Pacey. Pacey: I know, Andie, I know and I can help. I know I can. And I'm not going to turn away from you, Andie. After all, you've done for me. And certainly not when you need me the most. We can do this together and I know that I can help you. Andie: Pacey, how do you know you can help me? Pacey: Because, Andie, I love you. Andie: I love you, too. *They lean in and kiss. Cut to Dawson still at school while everything's wrapping up. Chris and Devon walk up.* Chris: Hey Dawson, we're, uh, going to grab a bite to eat. Want to join us? Dawson: Um, nah, actually. I've got some work to do...thank you. Devon: Sure? Dawson: Yeah...yeah... Chris: Okay, see you later, Dawson. Dawson: Hey! Good work. Chris: Thanks. Devon: You know you impressed me today. Dawson: I did? Devon: Yeah, you know, it's interesting that you put such effort into making this script almost precisely match reality and yet you change the ending. You know my psyche profesor would say-- Dawson: Let me guess, he would say that I should put away all hopes of the past and focus on the future. Devon: Very good. Look I just wanted to say that I think you show real potential in being a director. Dawson: Thank you. I appreciate that. Devon: Are you sure you don't want to grab a bite to eat or something? Dawson: I'll definitely take you up on that some other time but right now...I just want to be here. Devon: Okay. Have a good night. *She walks off with Chris. Joey walks towards Dawson.* Joey: Hey... Dawson: Joey! I assumed you'd probably taken off... Joey: I, um... Dawson: About earlier... Joey: Yeah...Dawson, I'm sorry I came down so hard on you this afternoon. It...it was unfair and it's just been kind of hard...watching my life be reenacted in front of half of Capeside. Dawson: Joey, if I offended you or hurt you in anyway, I'm sorry. I just thought that if I made this autobiographical, cathartic movie then I could put the past behind me in one fowl swoop, you know? Turns out it doesn't work that way. Joey: Yeah, if only things could be that simple, right? Dawson: You know what it is, Joey? I've spent the last few months of my existance trying to figure out how to be without you. I mean, I tried acting like it doesn't hurt, pretending I don't care, I guess I felt like if I acted like I was over you....I guess I would be. And, truth is, most of the time all I want to do is crawl into my room with my best friend, shut the blinds and just pour my heart out to her. Joey: Dawson, um, I don't think you realize that it has been just as difficult for me. I mean, it's been tearing me apart, too. But I know we'll always be connected. I know that our lives are destined to be intertwined but... Dawson: We have to move on. Joey: Yeah... Dawson: Little bit today...little more tomorrow... *Jack walks up behind them.* Jack: Joey...you, uh, you ready? Joey: Yeah...uh... Dawson: Jack! Thanks for helping me out today. I really appreciate it. Jack: No problem. It was fun, actually. Dawson: Good. Jack: Do you want us to hang out for a little bit? Help you clean up this stuff? Dawson: No, no! You guys go out and have fun. You've given me enough of a good day. Joey: Are you sure? Dawson: Yes, absolutely! Go! Get out of here! Joey: 'K...um, goodnight. Dawson: Goodnight. *Jack and Joey walk off and Dawson stares after them as the last light outside is shut off and he walks towards the school building. Fade to end credits.*
Plan: A: Dawson; Q: Who begins to bond with Jack? A: Creek Times; Q: What is the name of Dawson's new movie? A: memories; Q: What does the filming of Dawson's new movie bring back for the filmmaker? A: Joey; Q: Who dislikes the actress playing Andie? A: Andie's emotions; Q: What is running high? A: Pacey; Q: Who does Andie try to break up with? Summary: The filming of Dawson's new movie, Creek Times , brings back memories for the filmmaker and for Joey, who grows to dislike the actress playing her. Andie's emotions are running high and she attempts to break up with Pacey, who refuses to let her dump him. Dawson begins to bond with Jack.
3.13 - Dear Emily and Richard OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai, Richard and Emily are sitting in the living room] LORELAI: Mom, I swear, it was Aunt Maureen. EMILY: Aunt Maureen would never hike up her skirt in public. LORELAI: She would after half a gallon of eggnog. EMILY: Richard, who was the one who got drunk at our Christmas party and hiked up her skirt in front of the Town and Country photographer? RICHARD: I'm sorry, did you say something? LORELAI: I don't know about you, Mom, but I've never felt so fascinating in my entire life. [Rory walks in] RORY: I'm so sorry I'm late. Hi Grandma, Hi Grandma. RICHARD: Hello Rory. LORELAI: Oh, now he closes the paper. RORY: Hey, Mom, I stopped by the bookstore on the way here. LORELAI: You got them? RORY: I got them! EMILY: Got what? LORELAI: Rory and I are starting to plan our Europe trip. RORY: The day after graduation, we are gone. RICHARD: Well, that sounds very exciting. EMILY: Lorelai, what are these? LORELAI: Those are guidebooks. EMILY: "Europe Through the Backdoor." "The Rough Guide to Europe." What kind of guidebooks are these? LORELAI: The cheap kind. RORY: They have all the good information about backpacking and staying in hostels. EMILY: Backpacking and staying in hostels? RICHARD: Who's backpacking and staying in hostels? LORELAI: We are. [Emily and Richard laugh] EMILY: No, you're not. RICHARD: What a ridiculous thought. RORY: We are. We're going to backpack around Europe. EMILY: Yes, I know, it's fun to tease your grandmother, dear. They're going to backpack across Europe, Richard. RICHARD: I heard, sounds delightful. Perhaps we should join them. EMILY: That sounds wonderful. Tomorrow I'll go out and buy some cutoffs. LORELAI: Guys, we're not kidding. EMILY: You're telling me you're seriously going to traipse across Europe with your possessions strapped to your back and sleep in a room with thirty other people? LORELAI: Yes. RICHARD: No. RORY: Grandpa. RICHARD: It's not safe. I forbid it. Call our travel agent. RORY: But we want to be spontaneous. Jump a train to Paris, head off to Spain. LORELAI: Oh no, it's raining in Spain. But since the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain. . . RORY: Looks like Italy for us! LORELAI: Mamma mia! RICHARD: You can still travel around aimlessly and stay in a decent hotel. LORELAI: We wanna do it cheap. EMILY: We'll pay. LORELAI: No. RORY: Grandma, it's going to be fun, really. LORELAI: Kids do this all the time. EMILY: Yes, but you're not a kid, you're a grown woman. What are people going to think when they see a grown woman bunking down with a bunch of twenty-year-olds? LORELAI: Well, if the twenty-year-olds are cute, they'll probably think, "Lucky!" RORY: Grandma, don't be upset. It really is going to be great. EMILY: [reads from book] What's so traumatic about a night without a bed anyway? My survey shows those who have had the opportunity to be a refugee for a night have their perspectives broaden and actually enjoy the experience." Richard, this book is encouraging them to sleep in a park like a squirrel. LORELAI: It's okay, Mom. EMILY: My first trip to Europe, I went to Paris and stayed at the Ritz. LORELAI: Well, I tell you what, if it'll make you happy, we'll go to Paris and eat out of their dumpster. [opening credits] CUT TO SIDEWALK [The construction crew is working in front of the soda shop] TOM: All of this goes in there. Let's move, we're getting backlogged. DEAN: Tom, I brought over the nails you asked for. TOM: Good. Get the guy's lunch orders, will ya? DEAN: Already done. TOM: You're a good kid, Dean. You hardly bug me at all. DEAN: High praise. TOM: Yeah, yeah, go, get the food. And don't forget the pickles. DEAN: I wouldn't dare. TOM: Oh, what do I gotta say to get this crap inside where it belongs? You got a language I'm not privy to? ‘Cause I'm a fast learner. MISS PATTY: Dean-o, Dean-o, Dean-o. If you grow any taller, I'm gonna have to get myself some mountain climbing equipment. DEAN: You're getting dangerous to even walk near, you know that, Patty. MISS PATTY: I've been told. DEAN: You looking for Mr. Doose? MISS PATTY: Oh, precious, no. I'm just looking. DEAN: Ah. MISS PATTY: Yeah. DEAN: Okay. Well, uh, enjoy. MISS PATTY: Oh, I always do. Ahh. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Luke is leaning on the counter, reading a book] JESS: Move. LUKE: What? Oh, sorry. JESS: What's that? LUKE: It's nothing. JESS: You reading? LUKE: It's nothing. JESS: I never see you reading. LUKE: Will you just. . .I read. JESS: What are you reading? LUKE: I read, I read. JESS: What do you read? LUKE: Invoices, expiration dates. JESS: I stand corrected. [takes Luke's book] LUKE: Hey! JESS: "Hidden Romantic Gems of the Restaurant World." Well, well, well. LUKE: I would like my property back, please. JESS: Planning something special? LUKE: No, nothing special. I'm just taking Nicole to dinner on Friday and I wanna find a place. JESS: A place you don't normally go to? LUKE: Yes. JESS: So a special place. LUKE: Will you stop saying that word, please? And yes. JESS: Find anything good? LUKE: Every single description in here talks about tablecloths and dish design, nothing about the food. JESS: You are really going through an awful lot for this lawyer. LUKE: She's not a lawyer. I mean, yes, she's a lawyer, but she's also a lady, and a very nice lady who probably expects good food with her fancy plates and sparse yet elegant décor. JESS: You're pathetic when you're in love. LUKE: I'm not in love, I'm dating. This is what you do when you're dating. JESS: It's not what I do when I'm dating. LUKE: Well, Rory's a lucky girl. Work. I'm going upstairs. JESS: Fine, but if a horse-drawn carriage shows up here, my throwing up will be eternal. [Dean walks up to the counter] DEAN: I gotta place an order. JESS: Talk into the clown. DEAN: I am. JESS: What do you want? DEAN: Six burgers, three with cheese -- two cheddar, one Swiss. Two plain, one with chili, cheese and onions on the side. Your memory's that good? JESS: You're screwing with me. DEAN: I'm placing an order. JESS: For all of Connecticut? DEAN: For the construction crew next door. JESS: Oh, you're Taylor's errand boy now. DEAN: And you're Taylor's waitress. JESS: Say that a little closer. DEAN: I thought you had a girlfriend. JESS: Give me your order and get out. DEAN: Service with a smile. Uh, six burgers, three cheese -- two cheddar, one Swiss. Two plain burgers, one chili burger with cheese and onions on the side. Three ham on ryes - one mayo, one mustard, one combo. A combo means mustard and – JESS: I know what a combo means. DEAN: Sorry, guess that confused look is just how your face is. JESS: Do you wanna talk about this outside? DEAN: Just as soon as I'm finished. Uh, four hot dogs. Two egg salads on white. One chicken salad on wheat. A chef's salad with ranch. Five fries. Five onion rings. Two chips. Extra pickles. JESS: On what? DEAN: Excuse me? JESS: What are the extra pickles on? DEAN: On the side. JESS: On the side of what? On the side of the burgers, on the side of the sandwiches, or on the side of the road where the ditch I'm gonna dump your body into is? DEAN: Just make sure there's enough for everyone. JESS: Fine. DEAN: Aren't you gonna read it back? JESS: Nope. DEAN: Okay, but these men were hired by Taylor, which means if they aren't satisfied with their orders, they will send them back. And they will continue to send them back until they are happy, which means you could be making this order until you die. JESS: Six burgers, three with cheese – two cheddar, one Swiss. DEAN: Slower, please. I'm checking them off as we go. JESS: Two plain burgers, one chili with cheese and onion on the side. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Lorelai is at the front desk on the phone] LORELAI: [on phone] Hey, it's your party, we just want you to be happy. Okay. No problem. All right, I'll talk to you then. [hangs up] Ridgemont called. MICHEL: No. LORELAI: He's changing his mind about the theme for his retirement party again. MICHEL: No! LORELAI: We have to call the florist. MICHEL: But this is the fourth theme he's picked. He had the fishing one, and the Kentucky Derby with the chocolate horsies, and the Tibet with the Richard Gere pictures everywhere. LORELAI: I know. MICHEL: And he promised that the golf would be the last one. LORELAI: Well, he decided that golf was dull and he doesn't want to be remembered as dull. MICHEL: Would he like to be remembered as limping, because I can be a fabulous help with that. [They walk to the dining room, where workers are decorating the room in a golf theme] LORELAI: Hey, guys. . . [Everyone groans] LORELAI: I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. MICHEL: Here's an idea – it's a retirement party, yes? Okay. So what happens after you retire? You die. LORELAI: He changed his mind. LANE: Again? MICHEL: So, why don't we dig a big hole, throw him in, hand everybody a shovel, they take turns covering him up. We go inside, have dinner, the wife gets used to eating alone. . . LORELAI: We are not going to bury him alive. MICHEL: Well, fine then. What is the new theme? LORELAI: He is calling me back at four. RORY: I got the flags and. . .he changed his mind again. LANE: He's worse than my mother at the Glory of Easter T-shirt stand. LORELAI: You kept the receipt, I hope. RORY: Yup. LORELAI: Good God, this party is gonna be the death of me. MICHEL: Or someone. LORELAI: Go call the florist. RORY: You're stressed. LORELAI: You're observant. RORY: Well, I was going to save this for later, but you look like you need it now. LORELAI: What's that? RORY: I have been cordially invited to Sherry Tinsdale's C-section. LORELAI: No way! RORY: [reads from invitation] Friday, February seventh, six o'clock p.m. Join the girls for a toast, a hug, a wave to the mommy as they wheel her off, dinner at Sushi Sushi, and then back to the hospital for a formal viewing of brand-new baby Georgia. RSVP at your earliest convenience. P.S. -- gifts are not necessary, but always appreciated. LORELAI: I don't even know where to start. RORY: I knew you would like it. LORELAI: You have to RSVP to a C-section. RORY: And bring a gift. LORELAI: I wonder if Laura Mercier makes Demerol. RORY: You wanna keep it? LORELAI: Oh, yes, please. RORY: But don't lose it. I need the phone number. LORELAI: So, are you going? RORY: Well, I don't know. I mean, I know it's weird, but I kind of wanna see Georgia. She's sort of my sister. LORELAI: She's more than sort of your sister. RORY: I just think it would be cool to meet her the night that she's born. It's a good story to talk about. LORELAI: You should go. RORY: I should, shouldn't I? LORELAI: And you should take pictures and wear a hidden microphone ‘cause I wanna hear everything. RORY: I'll see what I can do. LORELAI: Oh, shoot. [Lorelai walks to the kitchen, where Sookie is frosting a golf ball cake] LORELAI: Sook. . . [Sookie flips the cake into the garbage can] SOOKIE: God! CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Rory walk up to the house with boxes of Beanie Babies] RORY: I just need to go on record that a grown man should not throw himself a Beanie Baby retirement party. LORELAI: Just hold your breath this one actually takes. RORY: And how is Sookie supposed to plan a Beanie Baby menu? LORELAI: Lots of beans. RORY: I think this is ridiculous. LORELAI: Angel face, you need to learn that there are going to be times in your life when you have to do ridiculous things for money. If you're Adrian Zmed, that includes everything that ever happens in your whole career. [sees a box on the porch] Oh Rory, come on. Did you order from Amazon again? 'Cause we're going to get your books their own house. RORY: I didn't, I swear. LORELAI: It's from my mother. RORY: What is it? LORELAI: It's heavy. Must be her hopes and dreams for me. RORY: I thought she discarded those years ago. [they walk into the house] LORELAI: Just drop the Beanies by the door. [reads note attached to the box] "Girls, here are some travel books I stumbled across in your father's study. I thought they could help in the planning of your European adventure." She's insane. RORY: We have travel books. LORELAI: No, sweetie, these aren't our kind of travel books. These are Paris and Nicky Hilton's kind of travel books. RORY: [pulls some books out of the box] "Selected Hotels of Europe," "Hotels, Restaurants and Inns of Great Britain and Ireland, 1986", "Myra Waldo's Travel and Motoring Guide to Europe, '78." LORELAI: Wow, these will be an enormous help in planning our trip. Hey, you wanna go see the Berlin Wall? RORY: Sounds great. LORELAI: My God, I remember these books. I think the only person in my house who ever read them was me. RORY: This hotel is five hundred dollars a night. LORELAI: Five hundred dollars a night twenty years ago. RORY: What could a hotel possibly have that would make it five hundred dollars a night? LORELAI: An English menu? FLASHBACK – ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Young Lorelai and Christopher walk through the front door] LORELAI: Christopher, stop it, I'm trying to open the door. Graceful and lovely they enter. CHRISTOPHER: Is she home? LORELAI: I don't know. Mom, are you home? CHRISTOPHER: Mom, are you home? LORELAI: Shh, she'll hear you. CHRISTOPHER: So, she likes me. LORELAI: Oh, that's right. Mom, it's me, Lorelai, I'm home! I'm home and I'm taking my sweater off. I'm taking my sweater off and dropping it on the floor. I'm dropping it on the floor and walking away from it. I'm walking away from it and leaving it on the floor, and in two years I'm gonna register Democrat. Looks like no Emily. CHRISTOPHER: Where's Sofia? LORELAI: Fired. CHRISTOPHER: Already. LORELAI: She touched the Baccarat unicorn. CHRISTOPHER: My God, is she insane? LORELAI: Apparently so. CHRISTOPHER: Okay, so, to recap, there's no Emily and there's no Sofia. LORELAI: And there's no supervision whatsoever. What will we do? CHRISTOPHER: Let's celebrate. LORELAI: Celebrate what? CHRISTOPHER: No more midterms. LORELAI: Hear, hear. CHRISTOPHER: Okay, I say that we drink to it. LORELAI: Hear, hear. CHRISTOPHER: Scotch, vodka, or gin? LORELAI: Hear, hear. CHRISTOPHER: Okay. LORELAI: And put a cherry in it. It looks like the Gilmores are planning a trip again. CHRISTOPHER: Where to this time? LORELAI: Someplace fabulous where they'll stay at a fancy hotel with a lot of other rich Americans so they won't have to talk to anyone who actually lives in that country. CHRISTOPHER: "Myra Waldo's Travel and Motoring Guide to Europe." Hello Myra. LORELAI: Oh God, I hope they go over Christmas. That would be as holly jolly as it gets. Smooth. CHRISTOPHER: Hey, guess what I decided – I'm not gonna go to college. LORELAI: Are you serious? CHRISTOPHER: I'm taking a year and I'm going to Europe. I'm gonna backpack, train it, sleep on a bench, see the world. LORELAI: And you've told Straub and Francine about your big plans, I'm sure. CHRISTOPHER: Ah, it doesn't matter. LORELAI: Mmhmm. CHRISTOPHER: I'm outta here the second that diploma's in my hand. LORELAI: Sounds good. CHRISTOPHER: You're coming with me. LORELAI: Oh, I am? CHRISTOPHER: Yup. LORELAI: I'm sleeping on a bench? Okay, how does that picture look to you, ‘cause to me it looks like a big no. CHRISTOPHER: Fine, you we get a room for, and then I'll just sleep on the bench outside. LORELAI: Much better arrangement. CHRISTOPHER: So you'll go? LORELAI: Christopher, you're supposed to go to college. I'm supposed to go to college. Then you're supposed to join your dad's firm where you'll get a corner office and big stick to shove up your butt. CHRISTOPHER: Change of plans. LORELAI: You can't just change the plans. The plans came over on the Mayflower. CHRISTOPHER: Come on, Lor. Let's get out of here, let's get away from this place. Let's take Myra and just bolt. Leave a note on the dining room table. "Dear Richard and Emily, I don't belong here, I'm going somewhere else, I'll call you when I get there. Love, Lorelai.' How does that sound? LORELAI: Well, the word "whoopee" comes to mind. CHRISTOPHER: So, then, it's a plan. LORELAI: It's a plan. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE (PRESENT) [Lorelai and Rory are still looking through the guidebooks] RORY: Hey, I want to sleep amongst thirteenth century tapestries and chocolates made by local artisans. LORELAI: Okay, then, it's settled. We're not staying at any place that wasn't built for Napoleon the third's doctor or doesn't have a Chagall in the bathroom. RORY: Hear, hear. LORELAI: Now we just have to figure out how we're gonna pay for it. Hey, how good's your organ grinding? CUT TO CHILTON [Students are gathered in a meeting room] MADELINE: I called last night and I asked her to talk me through the Korean War and she said she was busy. LOUISE: Oh, she's definitely got a boyfriend. MADELINE: I know. LOUISE: Well, I for one think it's about time. MADELINE: I agree. LOUISE: It wasn't healthy, all that non-dating. MADELINE: It definitely didn't help that whole skin thing she was going through. LOUISE: How come she didn't tell us? MADELINE: I think she just wanted to make sure it was gonna take. LOUISE: So, tell us, what's this Jamie like? RORY: You know, I really don't feel like talking about Paris right now. Or ever. MADELINE: Oh, come on, you know him, we don't. LOUISE: Is he sexy? MADELINE: Does he have a good car? LOUISE: How's the trust fund? MADELINE: How's the profile? LOUISE: Will the prom pictures work? MADELINE: How are his friends? LOUISE: Yes. Is there spin-off potential? [Paris walks in] Whoops. MADELINE: Bye. PARIS: Okay, everyone, gather around. I have in my hand the 2002 Franklin Yearbook photos. I got copies for everyone, so let's leave the Barney's clearance sale reenactment for another day, shall we? And, please take note of the fact that the idea of posing under the new school banner was a major, major success. RORY: Um, Paris. PARIS: Yes? RORY: I'm sneezing. PARIS: What? RORY: In the picture. I'm sneezing and my head is turned. PARIS: Oh, yeah, I noticed that, but every picture had something wrong with it and I had to pick the one that was the best for the largest number of people. RORY: We took ninety pictures. PARIS: What's your point? RORY: My point is in ninety tries, there wasn't one other picture that was good for the group and didn't have me looking like I'm in Cirque du Soleil. PARIS: Sorry. Life can play some cruel tricks sometimes. RORY: Life had a little help from the Gellar camp this time. [cell phone rings] We are not done. [answers phone] Hello? MAUREEN: Rory, hi, listen. I just got the call and – hold on a sec. I'll call him back. I'm back, sorry. Where was I? RORY: Who is this? MAUREEN: Maureen Rollins, Sherry's friend. RORY: Oh, yes, uh, right, Maureen, I'm sorry, I - MAUREEN: Don't worry about it. Listen, I know the invitation said that we were all gathering at the c-section next week, but Sherry just went into labor. RORY: What? MAUREEN: She screwed up, she's in labor, and she wanted me to call all the girls and beg them to get down to the hospital ASAP. RORY: Oh. MAUREEN: It's a big screw-up. RORY: I guess. MAUREEN: Can you come? RORY: Well. . . MAUREEN: You're a child, right? RORY: What? MAUREEN: School? RORY: Huh? MAUREEN: School, you have school? RORY: Uh, yes, I have school, but – MAUREEN: Is there anyway you could reschedule school just for today? She completely screwed up, but she's still our Sherry. RORY: Well, I'm actually done with school now. I could grab a train and – MAUREEN: That would be the best, the absolute best. You are a great kid. She's at Boston Memorial. I will meet you there. Listen, I have Graydon Carter on the other line. RORY: Who? MAUREEN: Graydon Carter. I have to go. RORY: Okay, bye. FLASHBACK – ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [A photographer is setting up in the living room] EMILY: Please make sure the light is very soft. I want a luminous quality. PHOTOGRAPHER: I'm gonna have to see the young lady before I can set the final lighting. EMILY: Yes, of course. Arletta, did you call Lorelai? ARLETTA: Yes, ma'am. Twenty minutes ago. EMILY: And what did she say? ARLETTA: She said she was still getting dressed. Do you want me to go up there again? EMILY: No, I'll do it. I swear, you'd think that it was my coming out portrait, not hers, for the amount of concern she has about all of this. I'll be right back. Don't scratch the floor. [Cut to upstairs – Young Lorelai is in her bedroom trying to fit into her debutante gown. There's a knock at the door.] LORELAI: Yeah? EMILY: Lorelai, the photographer needs you downstairs. LORELAI: I'll be there in a sec. EMILY: He needs you now, not in a sec. LORELAI: Okay. EMILY: I don't hear you walking toward the door. LORELAI: Mom, please. EMILY: I'm coming in. LORELAI: No. [Emily walks into the bedroom] EMILY: I don't have time for your attitude young lady. This man is being paid by the hour. Why aren't you dressed? LORELAI: I just. . .I think the zipper's too new or stiff or something. EMILY: Turn around, I'll do it. [tries to zip up the dress] Oh my God. LORELAI: What? EMILY: It's not the zipper, it's the dress. It's too small. LORELAI: Are you sure? EMILY: Of course I'm sure. It's too small. How can it be too small? We had a fitting three months ago. Have you gained weight? LORELAI: No. EMILY: Hold your breath. LORELAI: I am. EMILY: Hold your breath! LORELAI: I am! EMILY: The only thing I can think of is the dressmaker must've written the measurements down wrong. Well, what are we supposed to do now? I certainly can't take a picture of you like that. LORELAI: Sorry. EMILY: I'll just have to have him come back next week. And I'm going to call that woman at the dress shop and give her a piece of my mind. My God, is everyone in the world completely incompetent? Put on your sweats and run around the block. You're gonna fit into the next dress no matter what. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER (PRESENT) [Lorelai walks in] LORELAI: Okay, I have five minutes to drink as much coffee as I can before I have to drive to Hartford to spend the evening with my mother alone and. . .who am I saying this to? KIRK: I was listening. LORELAI: Where's Luke? KIRK: I don't know. LORELAI: Well, is he here? Is he coming back? How fresh is that pot? KIRK: I don't know, I don't know, it was sitting there when I got here but that's only been a minute so I don't know. [Luke walks down from upstairs] LORELAI: Oh, thank God. Hey, I desperately need a massive cup of coffee to go and – what happened to your face? LUKE: What do you mean? LORELAI: It's visible. LUKE: Oh, I shaved. LORELAI: You going to the bank? LUKE: No. LORELAI: Funeral? LUKE: No. LORELAI: Drag club? LUKE: Let's get you your coffee, shall we? LORELAI: Hey, isn't that the sweater that – LUKE: Yes, it is. LORELAI: You look nice. LUKE: Thank you. LORELAI: What's the occasion? LUKE: Oh, well – [Nicole walks into the diner] NICOLE: Hi. LUKE: Hi. LORELAI: Oh, it's a girl. It's a. . . LUKE: Nicole, this is Lorelai. NICOLE: Nice to meet you. I'm Nicole Leahy. LORELAI: Lorelai Gilmore. NICOLE: Wow, you look nice. LUKE: Yeah, you, too. NICOLE: So, you ready or should I sit down? LUKE: No, let's go, I'm ready. NICOLE: Okay. [her cell phone rings] Oh, I'm sorry. I'll just – LORELAI: Oh, hey, hey Luke. . . LUKE: She's a lawyer. LORELAI: So what? Luke! LUKE: Shh! NICOLE: Hello? Yes. No, I'm sorry, Monday's not gonna work, it'll have to be Tuesday. Yes, well, your client breaking a contract is fairly annoying also, but we're all dealing with that. Terrific to hear. Bye Michael. [hangs up] Sorry. The phone is going off now. LUKE: It's okay. Make as many calls as you want. NICOLE: Nice meeting you. LORELAI: You, too. CUT TO HOSPITAL [Rory steps off the elevator and walks up to a woman] MAUREEN: [on phone] As soon as I can. All right, bye. RORY: Maureen? MAUREEN: Yes? RORY: I'm Rory. I'm Christopher's daughter. You called me to come down. MAUREEN: Rory, yes, sweetie, thank God you're here. Sherry's gonna be so happy to see you. She's a basketcase. Well, who wouldn't be, right? RORY: Where's everyone else? MAUREEN: Oh, they're working. RORY: What? MAUREEN: Well, we had all planned on next week, but Sherry screwed up, so what can you do? Thank God you're here. She'll be thrilled. She's feeling a little abandoned. Now, she's right in there. Do not mention how fat she is. For some reason, she's extremely sensitive about that today. Okay, kiss. I'll call you later to find out how everything's going. RORY: Wait, where are you going? MAUREEN: I've gotta get back to work. I'm swamped today. RORY: You're leaving me here alone? MAUREEN: Believe me, I would love to stay hon – impossible. What can I say? Sherry screwed up. Anyhow, you'll be fine. If you need anything, call. RORY: I don't have your number. MAUREEN: Sherry's got it. [walks away] [Rory walks into Sherry's room] RORY: Sherry? It's Rory. SHERRY: Rory? Oh my God, I'm so glad you're here. RORY: How are you? SHERRY: This wasn't supposed to happen now. RORY: I know. SHERRY: Christopher's out of town. I think Maureen called him and left a message but it doesn't matter because he's not here. Where's Maureen? RORY: Oh, well, she had to go back to work, but she said she'd call later. SHERRY: She's at work? RORY: Yes. SHERRY: I'm lying in a bed. God knows what's gonna happen. RORY: Well, you're going to have a baby. SHERRY: And she goes back to work. I would love to go back to work, but I can't because I have to stay here. RORY: Well, yeah, because you're going to have a baby. SHERRY: She's not here. None of my friends are here. Christopher isn't here. No one is here. No one but you. Thank God you're here, Rory. I don't think that I could do this by myself because this wasn't supposed to happen until next week. I wrote it down. I wrote it down. I wrote it down! RORY: Boy, do you look thin. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE (PRESENT) [Emily opens the door for Lorelai] EMILY: Well, it's a rare treat to have an evening alone with my daughter uncoerced. LORELAI: Yes, it is, isn't it? EMILY: So Rory's at the hospital? LORELAI: Uh, yeah. She's gonna see her new half-sister fresh from the oven. EMILY: Well, that's about an unpleasant a description as I've ever heard. I thought we'd have martinis. LORELAI: Very good thought. EMILY: Olives? LORELAI: Twist. EMILY: So how's Rory feeling about Christopher's new baby? LORELAI: She's very excited. It's kind of cute. EMILY: You should've gotten her a puppy. LORELAI: Stop. No maid tonight? EMILY: Leloni usually takes Sundays off, but she wanted to switch and seeing as it's just you and I, I said yes. LORELAI: Leloni, huh? Very exotic name. EMILY: She's from Honolulu. LORELAI: Cool. Does she know Don Ho? EMILY: No. LORELAI: Charo? EMILY: No. LORELAI: The C&H Pure Cane Sugar dancers? EMILY: Lorelai, please, we don't have a buffer here tonight. LORELAI: So who cooked dinner? Ugh, please don't tell me it's you ‘cause we can always. . .diet. EMILY: Leloni made a roast before she left and I heated it up. LORELAI: You did? EMILY: I even added a little wine to the pan to keep it from drying out. LORELAI: Well, who died and made you Sara Moulton? EMILY: Drink this and be quiet. LORELAI: So, um, how long is Dad gone for this time? EMILY: Two weeks. LORELAI: Didn't he just come home last week? EMILY: Yes, he did. LORELAI: So business must be pretty good? EMILY: I suppose. He has to work twice as hard as he ever did, and I'm still not sure that he's actually made a dime yet. However, he does see to be having the time of his life, so what can you do? LORELAI: Nothing, I guess. Hey Mom, can I ask you something? EMILY: Of course you can. LORELAI: What do you do while Dad is gone? EMILY: Well, I do all sorts of things. LORELAI: Like what? EMILY: Well, I keep this house running. LORELAI: Uh huh. EMILY: And I have my DAR meetings and there's always a thousand calls to make. I have functions and fundraising events to organize. A million different things. LORELAI: Okay, but what do you do at night? EMILY: Excuse me? LORELAI: I mean, you don't organize functions at night, do you? EMILY: What are you insinuating? LORELAI: I'm not insinuating anything, Mom. I'm just trying to find out a little bit about your life. EMILY: Well, your father calls every night at nine o'clock and we talk. LORELAI: So, you spend fifteen minutes talking to Dad and then you hang up the phone and you – what? Watch television? EMILY: I don't watch that much television. I don't find forensic work quite as fascinating as the rest of the world. LORELAI: But you have cable, right? I mean, you could watch movies. EMILY: Yes, but I never know where the maid puts that guide they send you, so I always wind up turning it on after a movie has already started and I don't like to come in on the middle of things. LORELAI: But you could tape the movies, or get a DVD player. EMILY: I don't need a DVD player. LORELAI: Well, why not? Then you could buy all those musicals you love and watch them whenever you felt like it. EMILY: I'm not an invalid, Lorelai. LORELAI: Well, of course you are, Mother. Why else would I suggest a DVD player? EMILY: I can fill my time all by myself and I'd like you to drop this conversation right now. LORELAI: Where are you going? EMILY: We're going to eat. [starts walking toward the kitchen] LORELAI: [follows her] Just because you leave the room doesn't mean the conversation's over. I started the conversation. The conversation's in me. Therefore, when I get over there, the conversation's just gonna start up again. FLASHBACK – ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Emily, Richard, and Christopher's parents are talking in the living room] STRAUB: This is unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. FRANCINE: I feel sick. STRAUB: Everything's gone. It's been tossed right out the window. Stop crying. EMILY: Here Francine, drink your water. We all need to calm down. Getting upset isn't going to get us anywhere. FRANCINE: What do we tell people? EMILY: Well, who needs to know? STRAUB: What do you mean, who needs to know? EMILY: You don't have to yell at me, Straub. STRAUB: Everybody has to know, Emily. Everybody will know. We can't pretend this didn't happen. FRANCINE: You could send her away. EMILY: Excuse me? FRANCINE: Aren't there places that take girls like that? EMILY: Girls like what, Francine? FRANCINE: Well, girls in. . .I can't handle this, I can't handle this at all. STRAUB: Stop crying, dammit. EMILY: Christopher is just as much to blame as Lorelai is. STRAUB: Like hell he is. EMILY: They are in this together. STRAUB: I don't see why. Why should Christopher sacrifice everything we've planned for him just because – EMILY: Choose your words extremely carefully, Straub. FRANCINE: Emily, you know we love Lorelai, you know that. But Christopher's so young, he's a baby. EMILY: Well, Lorelai's not exactly collecting social security. STRAUB: Why doesn't she get rid of it? EMILY: What? FRANCINE: Straub. STRAUB: It's an option. EMILY: It certainly is not an option. STRAUB: Why not? EMILY: Because I say so. STRAUB: Then what the hell are you suggesting, Emily? What's your great solution to this problem? RICHARD: They will get married, they will live here, and Christopher will go to work at my company. That is the solution. Now, we have a plan so we can all stop talking about it. Please excuse me, I have work to do. EMILY: I think Richard's plan sounds very sensible. STRAUB: I just have one question – why his company? EMILY: What do you mean, his company? STRAUB: Well, I have a law firm. Christopher could go to school. [pan to Young Lorelai and Christopher sitting on the staircase] LORELAI: I know we're all upset here folks, but maybe we should ask the kids what they think. Lorelai, Christopher, anything to add here? CHRISTOPHER: Quiet, they'll hear you. LORELAI: Not likely. I don't know how much longer I can just sit here like this. CHRISTOPHER: It's okay, let them talk. LORELAI: They're talking about us. CHRISTOPHER: They're trying to figure out what to do. LORELAI: What to do with our lives – our lives! Yours and mine and. . .its. CHRISTOPHER: We're gonna need their help. LORELAI: We can take care of ourselves. CHRISTOPHER: How? LORELAI: We'll figure it out. CHRISTOPHER: It's okay. It sounds okay. LORELAI: What sounds okay? CHRISTOPHER: You know, working for your dad, living here. It sounds okay. LORELAI: Chris, no! What about Europe? What about sleeping on a bench in Paris? CHRISTOPHER: We can't do that now. I have to get a job. LORELAI: No! CHRISTOPHER: I have to make money. LORELAI: No! CHRISTOPHER: It's okay, really. EMILY: [in background] You're not even listening to each other. STRAUB: [in background] Oh, for God's sake Francine, shut up! CUT TO HOSPITAL ROOM (PRESENT) [Rory is sitting next to Sherry's bed talking on a cell phone] RORY: [on phone] So, we'll see you next Friday at three. And once again, sorry for the short notice. Okay, bye. [hangs up] SHERRY: Great, who's next? RORY: Um, Sheldon Harnick. SHERRY: Try and set him for Wednesday. RORY: Okay. SHERRY: Oh, and don't tell him I'm pregnant. He hates pregnancy. RORY: Oh, how about a plumbing problem? SHERRY: Sounds good. [A nurse walks into the room] NURSE: Okay, so how are we doing? SHERRY: I'm not sure. NURSE: Well, don't be nervous. Everything's going to be just fine. I just wanted to check on you and to see who's going to be with you in the delivery room while it's happening. SHERRY: Oh, my fiancé's on his way. He's on his way, right? RORY: Yes, he's on his way. SHERRY: Okay, so when he gets here, he'll come in with me. NURSE: And if he doesn't get here in time? SHERRY: Then we'll just have to wait. NURSE: I'm afraid that's gonna be a little tough to arrange. Once it starts, that's it. SHERRY: Okay, well, then I guess it's Rory. Right? RORY: Oh. Absolutely. NURSE: Okay, then I'm gonna get you a gown and some gloves so you'll be all set in case you have to go in. RORY: That sounds great. NURSE: I'll be right back. [leaves] SHERRY: Okay, where were we? RORY: Um, listen, Sherry, I really need a cup of coffee. Would you mind if I ran out really quick? SHERRY: Oh, no, go ahead. I'll make the next few calls myself. RORY: Okay. [Rory walks into the hallway and calls Lorelai on her cell phone] LORELAI: Hello? RORY: Mom, they're giving me gloves! LORELAI: What are you talking about? RORY: I don't want gloves, I don't want a gown, I don't wanna be in there. LORELAI: In where? RORY: In the delivery room with Sherry. LORELAI: What? RORY: Dad's not here yet and she's freaking out and she told the nurse I'm going in and – LORELAI: Where are her other friends? RORY: They had to work. I'm here all by myself and I'm trying very hard to be calm but I'm starting to feel nauseous, and the hospital has a smell, and there are noises, and those gowns do not stay closed and I've seen a lot of butts today! And - LORELAI: Okay, sweetie, calm down. RORY: I need you. LORELAI: Rory. RORY: I need you, I need you here, I need you now. I cannot do this alone. I need my Mommy, and dammit, I don't care who knows it! LORELAI: What hospital is it? RORY: Boston Memorial. LORELAI: I'll be right there. RORY: I really, really like you. LORELAI: Tell Sherry to keep her legs crossed ‘til I get there. RORY: Does that work? LORELAI: No. Bye. [hangs up] Mom, I gotta go, I'm sorry. Dinner was great. EMILY: Where are you going? LORELAI: Sherry's freaking out and Rory's the only one with her, so I'm going to the hospital. EMILY: You're going to be with Rory's father's girlfriend while she has his baby? LORELAI: Gee, Mom, I can't at all tell what your opinion on that might be. EMILY: Why would you do this? This woman pulled Christopher away from you, away from Rory. She destroyed any chance you might have had – LORELAI: Rory asked me to come, that's why I'm going. EMILY: I don't understand what Rory's doing there either. LORELAI: She's going to have a sister. EMILY: Half-sister. LORELAI: Thank you for a lovely dinner. I'll see you next week. FLASHBACK – LORELAI'S BEDROOM [Young Lorelai is watching television and eating a sandwich when she feels a pain in her stomach.] LORELAI: Ow! [cut to hospital – Young Lorelai is sitting in the waiting area filling out a form] NURSE: Are you done? LORELAI: Yes. NURSE: Okay. Is anyone with you, hon? LORELAI: No. NURSE: Well, someone will be up to get you in just a second. LORELAI: Thanks. CUT TO HOSPITAL (PRESENT) [Lorelai steps off the elevator and walks up to the nurse's station] LORELAI: Um, excuse me, Sherry Tinsdale's room please? NURSE: Right through there. LORELAI: Thank you. [Rory walks down the hall] RORY: Mom! LORELAI: Hey. RORY: Thank you, thank you, thank you. LORELAI: You're welcome, and I will be holding this over you for the next ten years. What are you doing? RORY: Xeroxing. LORELAI: What? RORY: Sherry had some status reports she promised to fax to people by tomorrow but she didn't bring enough, and so I've been trying to find a Xerox machine. I finally conned someone in ICU into letting me use theirs. I haven't found a fax machine yet, but – LORELAI: Okay, come on. RORY: I have to fax these. LORELAI: Uh huh, let's go. RORY: But we have a deadline. LORELAI: Mmhmm. [they walk into Sherry's room] SHERRY: [on phone] Yes, I'm having them faxed over right now. Yes, that's right. Well, I'm not sure if the numbers I have are the numbers that you have. That's right, that's bad. Uh huh. Well, I think you should, too. [to Rory] Did you get those things faxed? LORELAI: Sherry, hang up. SHERRY: No, I have to finish this call. LORELAI: Just say goodbye. SHERRY: But – LORELAI: You'll call them back. SHERRY: I – [Lorelai takes the phone from her] LORELAI: Hi. Uh, Sherry's gonna have to call you back. Yeah, I promise. Okay, goodbye. [hangs up] SHERRY: No, that was work. LORELAI: Sherry, you really shouldn't be working right now. SHERRY: I can't just stop everything because I'm. . . LORELAI: Having a baby. Admitting it is the first step, honey. SHERRY: I'm not ready. I had it planned. Christopher was supposed to be here. LORELAI: I know. SHERRY: I don't know what to do. LORELAI: Well, the first thing you have to do is calm down and stop working. SHERRY: Okay. LORELAI: And the second thing is, you need to tell me why you're sitting like that. SHERRY: Maureen told me that Howard Stern said that if you squat, it makes the baby come out faster. LORELAI: Okay, as long as you have a sane reason from a reliable source. SHERRY: I'm scared. LORELAI: I know. It's scary, and it hurts like hell. And remember, when it comes out not to look at it too hard until they give it a good cleaning, or you'll think you gave birth to phlegm. But, um, once they give it a good scrub, it's just unbelievably cool. SHERRY: Yeah? LORELAI: Well, and look how good they grow up. Not bad, huh? SHERRY: I hope I get that lucky. LORELAI: I've got a good feeling. SHERRY: Thank you. Lorelai? LORELAI: Yeah? SHERRY: My ankles are starting to hurt. LORELAI: Okay, grab an arm. SHERRY: I'm glad you're here. LORELAI: Well, at this moment, you probably should be. CUT TO HOSPITAL HALLWAY [Rory gets some coffee from the machine as Lorelai walks over to her] LORELAI: She's jogging in place. RORY: Why? LORELAI: I think she's hoping to aerobicize the thing right out of there. RORY: Well, should we stop her? LORELAI: I tried. She almost took an eye out. RORY: Well, that can't be good for the baby. LORELAI: Well, it's probably no worse than the guilt trip it's gonna get for showing up a week early. RORY: You do know it's a girl. LORELAI: Yes, I should probably stop calling it "it". Her "it". RORY: I was just bringing you some coffee. LORELAI: Thanks. Did you try calling your dad again? RORY: His cell's not in service or out of range or something. LORELAI: You do know if he doesn't get here, I have to go in with her. RORY: Yes, I do. LORELAI: Well, I don't want to go in with her. RORY: At least you know what's gonna happen. LORELAI: I had the cheap seat before. My view was quite a bit different. RORY: Hey, should we buy a camera or something? LORELAI: For what? RORY: If Dad doesn't get here, shouldn't we maybe – LORELAI: No. RORY: But – LORELAI: No. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: No. RORY: I just thought it would be nice. CHRISTOPHER: Lor, Rory! LORELAI: Oh, thank God you're here, Chris. CHRISTOPHER: Has it happened? Did I miss it? RORY: No. LORELAI: You have perfect timing. CHRISTOPHER: I must've broken fifteen different laws getting here. I don't even remember where I left my car. I thought I wasn't gonna make it. LORELAI: Well, take a breath, you did make it, and Sherry's gonna be thrilled. CHRISTOPHER: Where is she? LORELAI: Come on. CHRISTOPHER: Is this. . . LORELAI: Yeah. [they walk into Sherry's room, where she's being transferred to a gurney] CHRISTOPHER: Sherry! SHERRY: Christopher, you're here! I can't believe you're here. I didn't think you'd make it. CHRISTOPHER: Are you kidding? You think I'd miss this. SHERRY: No, I'm sorry. It's just, I'm just in a lot of pain and I can't think straight. NURSE: I take it this is your fiancé. SHERRY: Yeah, this is him. This is my Christopher. NURSE: Well, Christopher, are you coming in with us? CHRISTOPHER: Try and stop me. NURSE: Okay, let's go then. [they start wheeling her out of the room] RORY: We'll be right here, waiting. LORELAI: Have fun. RORY: Have fun? LORELAI: Well. . . FLASHBACK – HOSPITAL [A nurse is wheeling Young Lorelai down the hall on a gurney] LORELAI: Okay, this is a big pain and I'd really like it to go away, please. NURSE: Just breathe deep, honey. LORELAI: Breathing doesn't help, can I hit you instead? NURSE: What? LORELAI: Or pinch you really hard, ‘cause that might make me feel better. NURSE: No, you cannot hit me. LORELAI: Can I bite you or pull your hair or use the Epilady on you ‘cause I really need to do something. EMILY: Lorelai Gilmore! LORELAI: Wheel this a little faster, please. EMILY: Lorelai, you do not do this. You do not just leave a person a note. LORELAI: Okay, see the timing here? EMILY: "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm in labor. See you later, Lorelai." LORELAI: Ow. RICHARD: Emily, please, I feel ridiculous. EMILY: You're having a baby – do you know that, Lorelai? LORELAI: Well, that explains the stomachache. EMILY: You do not leave your house when you are having a baby without telling your mother. You say, "Excuse me, Mom. I'm having a baby, give me a ride to the damn hospital!" RICHARD: Emily, please, I wore the wrong shoes for this. EMILY: Of all the things in the world I had a right to do, driving my daughter to the hospital to give birth, especially since she's sixteen years old and doesn't have her driver's license yet, is definitely one of them. NURSE: Ma'am, I need to wait out here, please. EMILY: Why? NURSE: Because we're going into the delivery room. EMILY: I want to go in. LORELAI: No, Mom, please. RICHARD: Yes, Emily, please. EMILY: Fine, we'll be right here when you're done. LORELAI: Super. EMILY: And do not think we're finished discussing this, young lady, because we are not! RICHARD: Emily, let's just sit here. CUT TO HOSPITAL (PRESENT) RORY: I'm glad he got here. LORELAI: Yeah. Me, too. RORY: So I guess now we wait? LORELAI: Yup, now we wait. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER JESS: Kirk, how long are you gonna sit here? KIRK: What do you mean? JESS: It's been four hours. Go home. KIRK: It's boring at home. My TV's broken. JESS: So do something else. KIRK: Like what? JESS: Read a book. KIRK: What book? JESS: Any book. KIRK: I'm gonna need a suggestion. JESS: Moby Dick. KIRK: That's about the whale? JESS: Yes. KIRK: No. What else? JESS: Forget it, just sit there. KIRK: Okay. [Luke and Nicole walk in] LUKE: So he just drove all the way to New York, picked up the cheese, drove back. Nobody talked about it ever again. NICOLE: Oh, God, I love cheese. LUKE: Well, you would've gotten along very well with my father. So, you want some coffee? NICOLE: I would love some coffee. LUKE: Have a seat. Jess, coffee over here. NICOLE: So, I have to say, I really hated that restaurant. LUKE: Good, I like that we're on the same page here. NICOLE: I did, however, have a really good time. LUKE: Once again, I like that we're on the same page here. JESS: Okay, coffee. NICOLE: Thank you. JESS: Did you have a good time? NICOLE: Yeah, we had a really good time. JESS: Okay, well, I'm going to go out for about an hour. LUKE: What are you talking about? It's 11:30. JESS: I know. I'm just gonna go out for about an hour. LUKE: Where? JESS: Out. LUKE: Out where? JESS: Out for about an hour. LUKE: What are you talking about? JESS: I'm talking about going out for about an hour. What – you need more time? LUKE: Nicole, will you excuse me for a minute? NICOLE: Sure. LUKE: Okay. [Luke and Jess walk outside; they argue in front of the window] KIRK: They have amazing communication. [Luke and Jess walk back inside] JESS: I guess I'm not going out for about an hour. LUKE: Say goodnight, Jess. JESS: I don't understand you, man. LUKE: My mystique is part of my charm. JESS: You at least want me to take a walk around the block? LUKE: Jess. JESS: Take an extra long shower? LUKE: Go upstairs. JESS: Sorry, I tried. CUT TO HOSPITAL [Lorelai is reading in the waiting room, Rory is asleep next to her. Christopher walks over to them] CHRISTOPHER: Lor? LORELAI: Are you a daddy? CHRISTOPHER: Come on, come look. We'll wake Rory later. LORELAI: Okay. [they walk down the hall] LORELAI: So how was it? CHRISTOPHER: Oh, man, Lor, in my wildest dreams, I never could've imagined. I've never been that nervous or terrified or nauseous in my entire life. It was like the most amazing thing ever in the world. It was like. . .well, you know. LORELAI: Yes, I do know. CHRISTOPHER: I've never seen anything like it. LORELAI: Yeah. CHRISTOPHER: And Sherry was great. I'm flying, I mean it, I'm flying. [they stand in front of the nursery window] CHRISTOPHER: There. LORELAI: Wow. CHRISTOPHER: That's my daughter. LORELAI: I can tell. CHRISTOPHER: How? LORELAI: I think she conned that one out of his blanket. CHRISTOPHER: She's perfect. LORELAI: Rory was perfect. She, however, is a good solid second. CHRISTOPHER: I just can't believe it. LORELAI: She's beautiful, really. Congratulations Christopher. CHRISTOPHER: Thank you. Thank you for everything. LORELAI: Of course. FLASHBACK – HOSPITAL [Young Lorelai and Christopher are looking through the nursery window at baby Rory] CHRISTOPHER: She's pretty. LORELAI: She's perfect. CHRISTOPHER: So, I guess we should get married. CUT TO HOSPITAL – (PRESENT) [Lorelai and Christopher are still looking at the baby through the window] CHRISTOPHER: I should wake Rory, don't you think? LORELAI: Yeah, she'd like to see this. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE (PRESENT) [Emily is going through the mail when the doorbell rings] EMILY: I'll get it, Leloni. You find out where that smell is coming from. [answers door] Lorelai. LORELAI: Hi, Mom. EMILY: What on Earth are you doing here? What is this? LORELAI: This is your new DVD player. EMILY: My what? LORELAI: Plus, I picked up Singin' in the Rain, Funny Girl, Easter Parade, An American in Paris, and as an added bonus, the new classic dance series – Urban Cowboy, Saturday Night Fever, Grease, Footloose, and Flashdance. Trust me, you're gonna be cutting up your sweatshirts all weekend. EMILY: Why did you do this? LORELAI: ‘Cause I thought you'd enjoy it. EMILY: But I don't know anything about a DVD player. LORELAI: Mom, trust me, once it's hooked up, all you'll have to know is how to press play. EMILY: But who's gonna hook it up? LORELAI: I am. EMILY: You know how to hook this up? LORELAI: I know how to read an instruction manual. EMILY: Since when? LORELAI: Hm, please. EMILY: Maybe we should get a professional. LORELAI: I can do this. Just give me five seconds here. EMILY: Well? Well, can you do it? Oh, just forget it. LORELAI: Mom, please, just let me focus on this for one more second, and if I cannot do it, I'll get a professional DVD guy in here to install it, okay? EMILY: I still don't understand why you got me this. [looks at the DVDs] I love this movie. FLASHBACK – ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Emily and Richard walk down the stairs] EMILY: Lorelai, we're leaving! Well, what do you know? She finally put Rory's stroller away. It's the first time in a year I haven't tripped over that thing. RICHARD: Where's my scarf? EMILY: I told Tina to put everything out for you, Richard. RICHARD: Out where? EMILY: Look on the table. RICHARD: You have to be more specific with her, Emily. EMILY: Fine, Richard. RICHARD: There should be a designated place to put things. EMILY: Whatever you say, Richard. Lorelai, we are leaving! Please acknowledge that! Where is that girl? RICHARD: This is not the scarf I asked for. EMILY: Well, it looks fine. Can you just wear it? RICHARD: No, I'm gonna go back upstairs and get the scarf I intended to wear in the first place. Well, I'm surprised at you Emily. These are your friends we're seeing tonight. You would have thought that my appearance would be a priority for you. I didn't want to go to this thing in the first place. I have an early meeting in the morning, and I would much rather go to bed and ignore the fact that the symphony has to reupholster its mezzanine this year. [Emily reads a note on the table and starts to cry] RICHARD: Emily? Emily? CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE (PRESENT) [Emily waits while Lorelai reads through the DVD player's instruction manual] LORELAI: Okay. EMILY: Well, can you do it? LORELAI: I have no idea. EMILY: Where are you going? Are you going to take it back? LORELAI: I'm going upstairs. EMILY: Why? LORELAI: I think I should put this in your bedroom. That's your best TV. EMILY: You just said you didn't know how to hook that up. LORELAI: I'll figure it out. EMILY: But there are wires involved and connections and electricity. You could hurt yourself or set the house on fire. LORELAI: [sings] In your Easter bonnet. . . EMILY: You could ruin our television set. LORELAI: . . .with all the frills upon it, you'll be the grandest fella in the Easter parade. Hoo! I'll be all in clover. . . EMILY: I don't like being ignored, Lorelai. LORELAI: . . .and when they look us over, we'll be the proudest people in the Easter parade.
Plan: A: a successful first date; Q: What did Luke and Nicole have? A: Jess and Dean trade verbal blows; Q: What happens between Jess and Dean? A: Sherry; Q: Who goes into labor with only Lorelai and Rory for company? A: Lorelai; Q: Who introduces Emily to modern entertainment technology? A: Chris; Q: Who shows up at the last minute to help Sherry? A: backs; Q: What does Lorelai have flash what about her pregnancy and Rory's birth? A: Emily; Q: Who does Richard decry Lorelai's and Rory's plans to backpack through Europe? A: The war; Q: What is the name of the conflict between Paris and Rory? A: Paris; Q: Who picks a photo of the "Franklin" staff for the yearbook that has the worst possible shot of Rory? Summary: Luke and Nicole have a successful first date. Jess and Dean trade verbal blows. Sherry goes into labor with only Lorelai and Rory for company until Chris shows up at last minute. Lorelai has flash backs about her pregnancy and Rory's birth. Lorelai introduces Emily to modern entertainment technology by getting her a DVD player and a couple movies. Richard and Emily decry Lorelai's and Rory's plans to backpack through Europe. The war between Paris and Rory continues when Paris picks a photo of the "Franklin" staff for the yearbook that has the worst possible shot of Rory.
[Scene: Street. Leo, Alpha and Gamma are there.] Alpha: Look at them all, Leo. Without knowing why, things just seem better to them, even though they don't yet realise that everything is different. Gamma: Of course there will be a transitional period. But soon they will begin to understand that they no longer have to worry about evil, security, conflict, that this world is here to stay. Alpha: Is it not what we spoke of, Leo? Leo: It's impressive. Alpha: And you know, the only threat to Utopia, to all that we've created here is conflict. And that, Leo, we simply cannot abide. Leo: I don't know, it's just the way the sisters reacted, especially Paige. Gamma: She grieves. Leo: I know, but not the way she's supposed to. It's just... It doesn't seem right. Alpha: Well, things are different, Leo, to be sure. But look around you now. Is not everyone better off? Are not the sisters better off? Leo: I don't know. Alpha: Then you must go to them, Leo. They're the people who mean the most to you. See for yourself. Understand. It's all good, Leo. It's all genuine. Gamma: But once you're satisfied, it is important that you return to us. Leo: Important? Why? Gamma: After the death of one of our own, the collective has been drained of power. You feel it too, do you not? Leo: Yes. Alpha: So the sooner you're reassured, satisfied, the sooner you can join us and help us maintain all of this. We have much work to do, Leo. Leo: What kind of work? Alpha: You'll see, when you're ready. You'll sense where to find us. (Leo walks off. Near by, a man is arguing with a police officer.) Officer: Please calm down, sir. Woman: Harold, get back in the car. Harold: I'm telling you, the light was yellow, just like last time! What, do you guys have it out for me? Woman: Harold, please. Harold: No, this is ridiculous! It's police harassment. I want your name and badge number! (Suddenly, Harold just vanishes. The Avatars walk away.) Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper and Phoebe are there. They are both mixing something in a bowl.] Phoebe: It's ready. Piper: So is this. Butter? (Phoebe throws the butter to Piper and she catches it. Leo orbs in front of Phoebe.) Phoebe: Hey, you're breaking the flow. Move it. Leo: Sorry. Piper: Where you been? Leo: With the other Avatars making sure everything went all right. Piper: Why wouldn't it be? Leo: You tell me. How you guys doing? Phoebe: Are you kidding? I feel great. Better than I have in, God, I don't even know how long. Piper: Six and a half years, but who's counting? Phoebe: Of course, we haven't been out in the real world yet. Piper: If it feels anything like it does in here... Phoebe: Then we have no complaints. Piper: None. Actually, we're gonna celebrate, we're gonna have a little party. Leo: A party? Today? Phoebe: Yeah, why not? Leo: Maybe you just wanted to make sure everything worked all right. Phoebe: Leo, it works, better than we expected. Besides, we have a lot of catching up to do. Especially with our friends. Piper: Yeah, I'm a little nervous. I'm not sure I know how to socialise with normal people. Phoebe: You'll be fine. Especially since no demons will be attacking. Leo: They're still out there. Phoebe: Yeah, but they won't be attacking. They're all on the run. Come on, just enjoy it. We have you to thank for all this. Leo: How's Paige? Piper: Better I think. Phoebe: It's gonna take her some time though. Kyle meant a lot to her. Piper: But it does help her to know he's gone on to a better place. Phoebe: Absolutely. Leo: Is she upstairs? Phoebe: She's at Kyle's apartment getting some stuff. And I think I'm gonna go to work and check out the real world. (Phoebe leaves the kitchen.) Leo: All right, well, I'm gonna go check on Paige. (Leo orbs out.) Piper: Okay, you two. But don't be late. [Scene: Kyle's Apartment. Paige is there looking at a snow globe. Leo orbs in.] Leo: Hey. How you holding up? Paige: Good, considering. I'm not really sure what to do with all of this stuff, though. Leo: That's not really your responsibility, is it? Paige: No, but he doesn't have a family. It's just so odd that he's gone. I really miss him. Leo: Good. I mean, that's normal. You don't want to go around just having it all be glossed over, you know. Paige: No. But still, I am happy for him. I mean, he is in a better place. And the thing is, he would really want me to enjoy this new world. Leo: Well, he died trying to stop it. Paige: That's why I owe it to him to be happy. Leo: Of course. Paige: Hey, uh, I have to go home and get ready for the party. You gonna come? Leo: I think so. Paige: Great. I will see you there, sir. (Paige orbs out. Leo looks at the snow globe. Zankou flames in. Leo zaps him and he falls backwards.) Zankou: You've been weakened, Avatar, by the death of one of your own. (Zankou waves his hand and Leo flies backwards into a wall.) We both have the same problem, you and I. Neither of us trusts this new world. We're both gonna have to do something about it. (Zankou grabs Leo and flames out with him.) [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe is there. Elise walks over to her.] Elise: Phoebe, what are you doing here? I thought it was your day off? Phoebe: Oh, I just came by to see how things were going. How are things going? Elise: They aren't. And that's good. Have you seen today's paper? (She picks one up.) Thinnest one we've ever had. There's no crime to speak of, no corruption, no scandal. It's like people have been taking happy pills. Thank god the obits are up. Otherwise, we'd just have a one-sheet. Phoebe: So things are just getting better, huh? Elise: Oh, I'm all for that. But I've been working here so long, I don't believe it. Something always happens. Phoebe: Maybe. Or maybe it's a shame when we don't trust when good things happen. Elise: What a nice thought. Now you should write about that in your next column. Best advice you could give your readers. Phoebe: Okay, but I gotta go home to do it. Tell Oliver I'll email it to him around six-ish, okay? Elise: Oliver. That's the only bad thing that happened today. Well, not bad for him, of course, just for us. Phoebe: What happened? Elise: I got a call from his family about an hour ago. He's gone. It happened early this morning. Phoebe: Oh my god. Elise: He was such a troubled young man. I really hoped he could turn things around. Phoebe: Yeah, me too. Elise: Well, at least we can take heart that he's in a much better place now. Phoebe: Yeah. I guess so. [Scene: Inside a Pyramid. Leo and Zankou are there.] Leo: Mind telling me where we are? Zankou: In an ancient tomb in an ancient pyramid where no one, especially not the Avatars, are gonna look for us. Leo: Why bring me here? Zankou: To show you the truth. To show you why you never should have turned your back on the Elders. And to decide whether or not you're willing to help me stop the Avatars. Leo: Why would I help a demon? Zankou: Because it is by far the better of your options. You could either work to change things back, or you can repeat the mistakes of the past. (They look at the drawings on the wall.) The Avatars were here before, thousands of years ago, when people believed in magic and demons. The Avatars promised to rid them of evil on that level, same as now. They were more or less successful. They remade the world, but they never told people of the ultimate costs. Leo: Who's that? The dog-headed figure, is that a demon? Zankou: Actually, that's a jackal's head. He's Anubis, the Egyptian guardian and protector of the dead. There's a price to pay for Utopia. A price that you suspect but don't yet know about. They knew about it though, and they rose up against the Avatars and stopped them the first time for good reason. Leo: Maybe so, but I... Zankou: Agent Brody realised the danger that the Avatars pose too. That's why he was willing to help me weaken them so that I could bring you here, so that you could help. He was willing to sacrifice everything to stop them. Leo: Brody was crazed. Zankou: Brody was right. You know, deep down, that there is something very wrong with this world, Leo. Something you never foresaw in your own myopic zeal to try and make it all better. People have no free will anymore. At least not completely. The Avatars now dictate their destinies. And you let it happen. The question is, are you willing to fix it? Leo: To do what, get back what we had before? Fight your kind again? Zankou: Well, nobody said the system was perfect, did they? But it's better than this, isn't it? You decide for yourself and decide soon. If we are to work together, we're gonna have to move quickly. (Leo orbs out.) [Cut to a black and white room. Avatars are standing around a circular table with holographic images in the centre of it. Leo orbs in.] Alpha: Leo. Welcome. How are the sisters? Content, I trust? Leo: They seemed okay. (Alpha nods.) What is this place? Alpha: This is where we maintain Utopia. Come. (Alpha shows Leo the table.) These are the others. You've felt them though you haven't yet met. Leo: What are they doing? Gamma: Monitoring for conflict. (An angry woman in the hologram is yelling. The Avatars shake their hands.) Leo: I don't understand. Alpha: In bringing this all about, we've modified the way people think, their belief systems, so that they can more easily accept a world without evil. So that they wouldn't keep looking for it. Gamma: And so that the demons who remain couldn't influence them into evil acts. Alpha: Unfortunately, however, some have already been damaged beyond hope. Their inner demons sometimes surface, causing... conflict. Gamma: And when that conflict passes a certain threshold, we must deal with it. Alpha: To protect Utopia. (On the hologram, two men are fighting. There are people around watching. The two men suddenly vanish. The people watching shrug and move on as though nothing happened.) Leo: Wait. You killed them. Gamma: We removed them. The one for the many. Alpha: We have an obligation to maintain the world that we've created, Leo. We can't let anything threaten it, and we won't. [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Phoebe walks in through the front door. She walks into the dining room and the table is covered with food.] Phoebe: Wow. Wow. Ooh! (Piper walks in.) Piper: No, no! No! No touchie-touchie. Phoebe: I just want to make sure it's not poison. Piper: No, I want everything to be perfect. We've waited a long time for this day. Phoebe: Piper, everything is perfect. It looks amazing. I can't believe you did all of this since I left. Piper: When I'm not mixing vanquishing potions all the time, I tend to get a lot more done. I forgot how much I like cooking. Phoebe: We're all good. Piper: Yeah, as long as Leo makes it to the party. Phoebe: I thought he was just going over to Paige's? Piper: I did too, but she came back without him and now she's upstairs getting ready. Phoebe: Well, maybe he had some Avatar stuff to do? Piper: I hope the Avatars don't keep him as busy as the Elders did. Phoebe: I don't think he'd put up with that, Piper, and you know it. He created this better world so that you guys could be together again as a family. Piper: Still, I worry. Phoebe: And next to cooking, that's the second thing you do best. (Paige walks in.) Paige: Hey. Phoebe: Hey, how you doing? Paige: Better. Thanks. Yeah. I am really looking forward to this party. You know, take my mind off stuff. I just need to remind myself Kyle's in a better place, right? Phoebe: Yeah, that's what I have to remind myself. This guy at work, he just went away. It was really unexpected. Piper: Well, I'm sure it must all be for the best, you know. Otherwise, it wouldn't have happened. Phoebe: Right. Piper: Well, anyway, why don't you go help the kids get dressed, their clothes are laid out, and you can help me in the kitchen. Come on, chop-chop, we have a party to throw. [Scene: Inside a Pyramid. Zankou is there. Laygan appears.] Zankou: I'm concentrating. Laygan: Yes, I'm sorry. This is important. Zankou: So is this. Somewhere in these drawings is the key to the potion Brody used against the Avatars. Laygan: Well, I'm glad to see that you're using your energy wisely. But the others are restless. They don't wanna sit around and die like dogs, while we wait around for the help of someone good. Zankou: Are you questioning my plan? Laygan: No. Not at all. Zankou, we're demons. We need to stand up and fight them on our own, not just sit around and wait. Zankou: That's just the point. We can't fight on our own. We don't have the power. Like it or not, our fate rests with Leo. Laygan: Oh, yeah? Then we'd rather die than leave our trust in the hands of an Elder. Zankou: Then we will surely die. You tell the others that they do as I say, when I say it, or the Avatars will be the least of their problems. You understand me? Laygan: Yes. Zankou: Now leave. He's coming. (Laygan disappears. Leo orbs in.) Welcome back, partner. Leo: We're not partners. Zankou: Oh, no? Then what are you doing here? Leo: I'm still not so sure. Zankou: Ah, yes, you are. You may not want to but that doesn't change the fact everything I told you about your precious Avatars is true. Now you want to stop them as much as I do. Leo: I'm not so eager to bring demons back into the world. Zankou: Ah, but there's the rub. Which world is worse? Which is the greater evil, mine or theirs? Leo: I know taking destiny out of people's hands is not right no matter what. Zankou: I couldn't agree more. Leo: Let's make something clear. If we succeed, we'll still be enemies, and I can make you a promise it will only be a matter of time before good defeats evil. Zankou: Well, we'll have to see about that, won't we? Now if you're finished with the macho posturing, let's get to work. The problem is, even if I decipher these, we're still gonna need the Charmed Ones to actually prepare the potion. Leo: They won't go against the Avatars. They wanted this world. Zankou: Not if they discover the catch. Not if they realise that the Avatars alone decide who lives or dies. Now of course you know the sisters better than I do, but I doubt even they want that. Which means you're gonna have to get them to see what the Avatars don't want them to see. Even if it will take you shocking them with another terrible loss. [Scene: Manor. Bedroom. Phoebe is with Wyatt and Chris.] Phoebe: (to Chris) Okay, you wait there. (She goes over to Wyatt.) We are going to have so much fun today. You're gonna meet so many new friends at the party. But you can't orb, okay? You have to promise me. We don't want to scare the guests away, got it? (Leo orbs in.) Like that. Leo: Phoebe, we need to talk. Phoebe: Yeah, you need to get ready for the party before your wife kills you. Figuratively speaking, of course. Leo: See, that right there. That's what I'm talking about. Phoebe: What are you saying? Leo: I'm talking about the fact that what you said, you felt you had to qualify it. Phoebe: Qualify what? Leo: I'm talking about the Avatars and what they've done to you, what they've done to everybody. Phoebe: Everything's better. You've made everything better. Leo: No, that was a mistake. I realise that now. I need you to realise that, before what happens to Brody happens to someone else we care about. Phoebe: Leo, you're scaring me. Leo: Good, you need to be scared because it's the only way you're gonna understand the truth, the only way you're gonna be able to feel it. You can help Piper and Paige understand, use your powers to feel the loss, to see what the Avatars are doing is wrong. Phoebe: Leo, this is what we all wanted. What's going on? (Leo turns on the baby monitor.) Leo: You'll see. (Leo grabs Phoebe's arm.) Phoebe: What... What are you doing? (Leo orbs out with Phoebe.) [Cut to Kyle's Apartment. Leo orbs in with Phoebe.] Phoebe: Leo, you can't just... (Leo picks up the snow globe.) What are we doing here? Leo: I need you to get a vision. I need you to see what really happened to Agent Brody. Phoebe: I know what really happened to him. He's moved on to a better place. Leo: Maybe so, but it doesn't change the fact that somebody killed him. (Phoebe sighs. She takes the snow globe and gets a premonition of Beta killing Kyle.) Phoebe: Oh my god. She killed him. Leo: Yes. The Avatars don't want you to know that, Phoebe. They don't want you to know why people just suddenly disappear. Phoebe: Why are you doing this? Leo: Because it's the truth, Phoebe. They changed you so you couldn't feel the true pain of death. They want it to seem like a good thing, so the next time it happens you don't even question it. Phoebe: No. Leo: Yes, and it's gonna happen again, Phoebe, as soon as they decide somebody in the world is creating too much conflict. Phoebe: Leo, we're not going back to the way it was. Okay? We tried it for seven years, and it just didn't work. Leo: Phoebe, please... Phoebe: No, Leo, listen to me, okay? We made the world a better place, and we're gonna live in it just the way it is now. Do you understand? [Cut to the Avatars. They are watching the conversation through the hologram. Gamma looks at Alpha.] Alpha: We just need to give him more time to understand. Gamma: We're running out of time. If he turns them, everything could be lost. I think it's time we face the facts. [Scene: Manor. Dining Room. The party has started. The guests are grabbing plates of food.] [Cut to the Living Room. Piper and Paige are there. Piper is fiddling with a baby blanket.] Paige: Would you just stop fussing and enjoy yourself already? Piper: I can't. I'm worried. Paige: About what? Look, everybody seems to be having a great time. I didn't even know we knew this many people. Piper: I'm not worried about them, I'm worried about Leo. He should have been here by now. Where the heck is Phoebe? She got the boys ready, and then she just took off. Paige: Maybe they're together. Or maybe you just don't know how to have a good time anymore. Piper: Is that a challenge? Paige: If it works. (Phoebe and Leo walk down the stairs.) There. You happy? Phoebe: I need a drink. Paige: Hey, what's the matter? Phoebe: I don't want to talk about it. I just want to have a good time. (Phoebe walks away.) Piper: (to Leo) What's going on? Leo: Nothing. Paige: Hey. (Piper gives her a look.) All right, then, I'll go mingle. Piper: Leo, come on, what's wrong? Leo: It's complicated. Piper: It's the Avatars, isn't it? Look, if working for them is gonna be as complicated as working for the Elders, then I... Leo: It's not that. Piper: Then what is it? Okay, you know what? I don't want to know. (Zankou flames in near by.) We're here to celebrate our new life with no magic and no demons, (Laygan and two other demons smoke in) so why don't we just enjoy it? Leo, did you hear what I said? (Zankou flames out.) Are you listening to me? What is the matter with you? Leo: Forgive me, Piper. If there was another way to do this, I would. Piper: Do what? What are you talking about? Leo: I have to fix a mistake. I love you. (Leo pushes her out of the way.) Piper: Leo! Leo: Everyone, get down! (All the guests duck. Leo throws bolts of electricity at the demons.) Phoebe: Oh, no. (The guests scream.) Piper: Paige, the children! (The demons throw fireballs. Leo throws bolts of electricity at the two demons and vanquishes them.) Laygan: Die, Elder, die! (Laygan throws a fireball at Leo and Leo deflects it. Electricity shoots out of Leo's hands and pins Laygan to the wall. He is then vanquished. Leo looks around at the frightened guests.) Leo: (to Phoebe) Don't let them make you forget why I'm doing this, Phoebe. It's supposed to hurt. Go to the Book. Remember all the losses. Then go to Zankou. Phoebe: Wait, Zankou? (Leo vanishes. The guests get up and go back to chatting as though nothing happened.) Paige: Piper, you all right? Piper: I don't know. I guess so. Paige: I'm really sorry about Leo. Piper: Yeah, me too. But at least he's gone on to a better place. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Paige is at the door saying goodbye to the guests.] Paige: I'm so sorry things got out of hand, guys. [Cut to Piper and Phoebe in the dining room.] Phoebe: Don't you think that was all a little weird? Piper: Yeah, it was kinda touch-and-go for a second, when the demon attacked. But it all worked out okay. Phoebe: Still, it seemed a little, I don't know, off. Piper: Well, I certainly wasn't expecting any more attacks, but thank god Leo was there to take care of it. Phoebe: Yes, it would have been nice if Leo didn't have to go to a better place in the process, you know. Piper: I know, but... What he did, he did for his family, and for that I will always love him. (They walk into the kitchen.) Paige, can you make sure the boys are okay? Phoebe: It's really impressive that you can stay so calm after such a shock. Piper: Well, I'd be freaking out if I thought there were more demons out there. I'd like to think those days are finally behind us. (Paige walks in and groans.) Paige: I can't make them stop. They're so upset. Piper: Well, it's understandable. We're all upset about demons being in the house. Phoebe: Do you really think that's why they're crying? (Paige sighs.) Paige: What else would it be? Piper: Okay, mummy's coming! (Piper leaves the kitchen.) Paige: Are you okay? Phoebe: I don't know. Paige: It's like Kyle, you know. It's really a big deal. We're never gonna forget him. Leo's Voice: Don't let them make you forget why I'm doing this, Phoebe. It's supposed to hurt. Phoebe: Never forget. I have to check the Book of Shadows for something. (Phoebe walks upstairs to the attic. She stops in front of the Book.) Come on, Phoebe. (She slowly walks over to it.) Leo's Voice: Remember all the losses. (She touches the Book and receives a premonition of Andy's death, Grams' death, Miles' death, Piper's death in "All Hell Breaks Loose", Prue's funeral, Chris' death, and Cole's vanquish.) Phoebe: Oh my god. [Cut to the living room. Paige is with the kids. They are bawling their eyes out. Phoebe comes down the stairs.] Paige: It's okay. Oh my gosh, I can't get them to calm down. Even Piper couldn't. Phoebe: I can. Where's Piper? Paige: She's in the kitchen. (Phoebe walks into the kitchen.) Phoebe: Piper, I really need to talk to you. The Avatars didn't tell us everything up front. Piper: What? Phoebe: Pain, grief, mourning. These are all things we're supposed to be feeling when we lose someone we love, like Leo. Piper: Leo? Phoebe, he's moved on to a better place, and if you don't mind, I'd rather not dwell on such a painful memory. Phoebe: Okay, but if he's in a better place, then why are the boys crying right now? It's not because of demons. They were practically raised around them. Piper: Yes, well, but... Phoebe: Piper, listen to me. Leo is dead. The Avatars killed him. And the boys are just too young to feel it the way we do, the way that we were programmed to feel it. Piper: Programmed? Phoebe, what's gotten into you? Phoebe: This is what Leo was trying to show us. Leo allowed the Avatars to kill him so that we could understand what's going on here. Piper: I don't wanna hear this. Phoebe: I know you don't wanna hear this, but listen to your boys. That's pain, and it's real. Piper: Phoebe, stop. Phoebe: Piper, how can you not see it? The only reason you're okay with all this was because you wanted to be with Leo. And now they've taken him away? (Piper starts to cry.) Piper: Why? Why would they do that? Phoebe: Because Leo caused conflict. And this is the only way they could keep Utopia going. [Cut to Kyle's Apartment. Paige orbs in with Piper and Phoebe.] Paige: You better have a good reason for bringing me here because I don't wanna be here. Phoebe: And that's exactly why were are here. Paige, Kyle died, and now it's time that you feel it. Paige: I felt it. And it would have felt a lot worse, if I didn't know he'd gone on to a better place. Piper: Well, that's the thing. It should have felt a lot worse. The Avatars made our pain go away after they killed Kyle. Phoebe: I had a vision of him dying when I touched this. (She picks up the snow globe.) He attacked one of the Avatars with his potion, and she killed him. Do you remember that, Paige? Paige: Why are you doing this to me? Phoebe: He died right here, in your arms. I saw it, I felt it, and now you have to feel it too. Paige, it's the only way we can stop them. Paige: I don't want to. Piper: You have to. Just like I did. (Paige starts to cry.) Paige: I don't want to. (Piper puts her arms around Paige.) Piper: Shh, it's okay. Paige: Why did they do this? Phoebe: To give us what we wanted. What we thought we wanted. Paige: What do we do now? Phoebe: We're gonna do what Leo said... and go find ourselves a demon. [Scene: Inside the Pyramid. Zankou is there studying the drawings on the wall. A demon walks up behind him.] Demon: Sorry to interrupt, but... Zankou: What is it? Demon: Well, the others sent me to find out what we're gonna do. Zankou: Do? Demon: I just mean... Well, the Elder is dead. The plan has failed. Shouldn't we... retreat? Zankou: Not yet. Demon: But you said it yourself. If the Elder couldn't turn the sisters, there is no... (Zankou grabs the demon.) Zankou: I know what I said. I also know that Leo wasn't stupid. He wouldn't have given his life unless he knew something would come of it. Demon: Unless it was merely the act of a desperate man. (A fireball appears in Zankou's hand.) I'm just saying, the Avatars could move on us at any time. If we are gonna run, we should go soon. (The fireball disappears.) Zankou: Perhaps you're right. We should retreat. Demon: I'll let the others know. (Suddenly, the demon blows up. A spark flies off Zankou and he's knocked to the ground. Piper, Phoebe and Paige walk in.) Phoebe: What's the matter, Zankou? Chicken? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Pyramid. Continued from before. Zankou stands up.] Zankou: Good thing you girls got here when you did. I was about to leave. Phoebe: To go where? Zankou: To live to fight another day. Piper: You won't get that chance if you don't tell us what we want to hear. Zankou: Save it. You need me. That's why Leo sent you. Glad to see he didn't die in vain after all. Phoebe: Get to the point. Zankou: The point is Leo was working with me, same as Agent Brody before him to undo what has been done. Paige: Kyle was working with you? Zankou: How do you think he was able to get close enough to kill an Avatar? He realised then that the combined force of good and evil is our only chance to stop the Avatars. Piper: You have a greater reason for wanting to do that than we do, survival. Zankou: True, but you obviously want it too. Otherwise, we wouldn't even be having this conversation, now would we? Now you go ahead and talk amongst yourselves. I'm not going anywhere. (They turn their backs on Zankou.) Paige: I'm not so sure about this. Phoebe: Neither am I, but I don't think we have a choice. We're running out of allies. Piper: We can't work with a demon. Phoebe: Leo did. Piper: Yeah, look where it got him. Phoebe: But that was the Avatars, not Zankou. Piper: So how do we know he's not picking us off one by one? What if this is a setup? Paige: Well, he helped Kyle get rid of an Avatar. They're who he's really after, and so are we. Piper: Okay, fine. So, what if this works? Where does that leave us, we're fighting demons again? Is that what we really want? Phoebe: Is this? Paige: Just because we wanted it so badly doesn't make it right. Kyle knew it was wrong. He knew the Avatars couldn't be trusted. I just didn't believe him. Phoebe: Neither did we. Paige: Still, we can believe in him now. Leo too. We can finish what they started, so they didn't die in vain. (They turn back around to face Zankou.) Phoebe: So, what's the plan? Zankou: The plan... is for you to make a very special potion. [Scene: The Avatars' Room. Gamma is flipping through hologram images.] Alpha: What's the matter? Gamma: I can't find the sisters. Alpha: None of them? Gamma: I don't understand. I just had them. Alpha: Calm down. They'll have to surface sooner or later. Piper's Voice: You got that right. (The Avatars look around and find Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Zankou standing there. The Avatars run towards them. Zankou knocks them over with his telekinesis power. Paige holds up a potion vial.) Paige: Ah! I wouldn't do that if I were you. Gamma: What are those? Zankou: You know what they are. Phoebe: And you know what he is. Alpha: What is the meaning of this? Piper: I don't think we have anything to explain. We're not the ones going around killing people. Gamma: We only did what was necessary to maintain Utopia. Paige: A loophole you forgot to tell us about? Alpha: It was never our intention to deceive, Paige. We merely gave you the world you asked for. Piper: Again, except for the fact you were killing people. Alpha: Their fates are regrettable. But I guarantee you that fewer people by far will be lost under our rule than under the chaos of good and evil. Phoebe: Yeah, but at least with good and evil people knew what they were dying for. Piper: And given the choice of what we had and what you're offering... Paige: Now we know what "it" is. Paige: We'll take our free will back any day. Zankou: Here, here. Alpha: You'd seriously be willing to give up peace of mind, the normal life you so covet, to go back to the way things were? To fighting the likes of him again? Piper: Warts and all. Gamma: They're not ready for us. Alpha: Perhaps not. But they will be someday. What we want for the world is worth waiting for. Very well. We will use what remains of our power to rewind time to when Utopia began. Phoebe: Does that mean Leo will be alive again? Alpha: Of course. Paige: And Kyle? Alpha: That, unfortunately, is beyond our powers. Paige: Are you kidding me? You can bring everyone that you have killed back to life, but Kyle is beyond your powers? Gamma: The further something recedes into the past, the more power it takes to reverse it. Alpha: We can either bring back Agent Brody or return the world to the way it was, but I'm afraid we cannot do both. (Paige goes to throw the potion but Phoebe stops her.) Phoebe: Put the world back. Alpha: I'm sorry this didn't work out, for your sakes as well as ours. Zankou: Touching. I'm gonna miss you guys. (The Avatars stand around the table and a beam of yellow and orange light shines out of the middle.) [Cut to outside. Everybody wakes up.] Man: What the hell? Did you just dump your coffee on me? Woman: What are you talking about? You spilled yours on me, you son of a bitch. Man: Why, you moron, you dumped your coffee on me. [Cut to two men in their cars. One man has run into the back of the other car. They get out to inspect the damage.] Man #2: This is totally your fault. Man #3: My fault? You hit me! Man #2: Yeah? All I'm saying is you better have some good insurance! Man #3: No, you better have some insurance 'cause I'm gonna call the cops on your ass! Man #2: Oh, please, give me your ID. Where's your insurance? Man #3: Where's your insurance? Man #2: Where's yours? Mine is right here! [Cut to Harold arguing with a police officer.] Harold: I'm gonna call my lawyer, okay? I'm gonna sue this whole city. [Cut to Piper and Phoebe walking down the street.] Piper: Wow, I've never been so excited to hear the sounds of people arguing. Phoebe: Tell me about it. It's good to be back... (They see Zankou near by.) Warts and all. [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Piper walks in through the front door.] Piper: Leo? Leo's Voice: I'm in here. (Piper walks into the conservatory.) Piper: Oh, thank god. Leo: It's okay. I'm all right. (They hug.) Piper: Wow, you kinda really scared me this time. Leo: That was the plan. I was banking on you saving me. Piper: Okay, well, next time come up with a different plan. Leo: Next time. Piper: So wait, you remember everything, even though you technically died, but then you didn't, because time rewound, so... Am I making any sense? Leo: Yeah. See, I remember everything because I was unaffected by the spell. And you remember everything because you broke it. And even though time rewound, we still experienced it. Piper: Headache forming. Leo: All that matters is that we fixed it, regardless of the consequences. Piper: Consequences? You mean Kyle? Leo: No, I mean the Elders. I went against them and sided with the Avatars. I can't go unpunished. Piper: Yeah, but everything you did, you did to make the world a safer place for everyone, including us. Leo: I don't think they're gonna see it that way. See, no matter what I did... Piper: What we did. Leo: Whether it was well-intentioned or not, it's gonna cost me. Piper: Well, at least it didn't cost you your life, which at this moment is the only thing I'm concerned with. I don't want to lose you ever again. (He puts his arm around her and they turn to watch their kids.) [Scene: Kyle's Apartment. Paige is there. She picks up the snow globe and shakes it.] Paige: Bye. Kyle's Voice: Hello, Paige. (She turns and sees Kyle standing there.) Paige: Kyle? Kyle: Careful. That used to mean a lot to me. (She puts the snow globe down.) Paige: Is this really you? Kyle: In the flesh, more or less. Paige: I saw you die. Kyle: That's right. You did. But as you know, sometimes it doesn't end there. Paige: Are you a Whitelighter? Kyle: Feels kind of weird. But at least I can still feel. Paige: How? Kyle: I guess the Elders decided I must have done something good with my life after all, which is a relief, considering the mess I made of it. Paige: You didn't make such a mess. Kyle: Come on. I got a little crazy there at the end, didn't I? Paige: A little crazy. But you did save the world. Kyle: Hence the reward. Paige: I just wish I could... Kyle: Paige, it's not your fault. I understand now that my life was supposed to end the way it did. How it did. It was my destiny. Just like it was our destiny to meet. To fall for each other. Paige: To lose each other? Kyle: Who says we're not gonna meet again? (Paige starts to cry. He kisses her on the forehead.) Take care of that for me, will you? (Kyle orbs out. Paige picks up the snow globe.)
Plan: A: their new conflict-free world; Q: What do the Charmed Ones enjoy? A: the Avatars; Q: Who decides who lives and dies? A: their Utopian world; Q: What do the Avatars want to protect? A: Zankou; Q: Who does Leo join forces with to stop the Avatars? A: the change; Q: What does Leo want to undo? A: Paige; Q: Who is shocked to find Kyle alive? A: a special surprise; Q: What does Paige receive when Leo joins forces with Zankou? A: the Elders; Q: Who decides Leo's fate? A: Leo's death; Q: What event shocks the sisters back to reality? A: an ancient tomb; Q: Where did Zankou find the information to make the Avatar killing potion? A: humanity; Q: Who do the Avatars realize is not ready for them yet? A: the Utopia spell; Q: What does the Avatars break to return all those killed by the Avatars? A: his Avatar powers; Q: What is Leo stripped of? A: an Elder; Q: What does Leo remain after the Avatars break the spell? A: Kyle; Q: Who is the only person the Avatars can't save? A: his apartment; Q: Where does Paige find Kyle after he is killed by the Avatars? A: Whitelighter; Q: What is Kyle's new title? A: a final goodbye; Q: What does Kyle say to Paige before orbing out? Summary: While the Charmed Ones enjoy their new conflict-free world, Leo learns that in order for the Avatars to protect their Utopian world, they also control everyone's destiny by deciding who lives and dies. Wanting to stop the Avatars, Leo joins forces with Zankou to undo the change. Paige receives a special surprise and Leo's fate relies on the Elders. In the end, Leo's death shocks the sisters back to reality and they team up with Zankou to stop the Avatars. Using information that Zankou found in an ancient tomb, they make the Avatar killing potion and confront the Avatars with it. The Avatars, realizing that humanity is not ready for them yet, use the last of their power to rewind time to when Utopia started. Doing so breaks the Utopia spell and returns all those killed by the Avatars, including Leo who is stripped of his Avatar powers, but still remains an Elder. The Avatars are too weak to rewind time far enough to save Kyle and Paige goes to his apartment where she is shocked to find him apparently alive. The Elders have made him a Whitelighter for his actions against the Avatars and he says a final goodbye to Paige before orbing out.
FRONTIER IN SPACE BY: MALCOLM HULKE 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. OGRON SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (Inside a silvery metallic control room, a lone OGRON sits at a control console on a raised gantry which runs round part of the room. The signal appears on his monitor and the creature makes adjustments to the controls.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (The DRACONIAN CAPTAIN sits at the controls of the policeship, making adjustments as the "COURSE CORRECTION" light flashes. The ship jolts.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA (The MASTER, fast asleep, is jolted on his bunk. The two Draconians are still on guard.) DOCTOR: Well, that's it then. (He taps JO who is huddled asleep up on the corner of the other bunk.) DOCTOR: Come on, we've landed. (JO looks over to the MASTER'S bunk.) JO: Oh, hadn't we better wake our cellmate? DOCTOR: Hmm! He's awake already. He's just trying to show us how unconcerned he is. (The MASTER laughs, claps his hands and sits up.) MASTER: How well you know me, Doctor! (He looks over at the jacketless DOCTOR as he adjusts his own tunic.) MASTER: Now come on, smarten yourselves up. We want to look our best for a royal audience, you know. JO: (To the DOCTOR.) He's very confident. MASTER: Well, Miss Grant, as an Earth poet once said "My strength is as the strength of ten because my heart is pure". (He turns to the two Draconian guards.) MASTER: Come on, you fellows, let me out! Your Emperor is waiting to see me! (They turn to him and raise their blasters. The MASTER raises his hands in mock surrender...) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: DRACONIAN. EMPEROR'S THRONE ROOM (The DRACONIAN EMPEROR, majestic and regal, sits on his metallic throne in an ornate green, equally metallic and echoing chamber, guarded by soldiers. The rooms only decoration would seem to be tall stands which emit an incense. The EMPEROR'S dress is of the same basic style as the other of his kind but more ornate with sharply upturned shoulder armour. The PRINCE steps forward.) DRACONIAN PRINCE: So, father, once more Earthmen have invaded our space. (The EMPEROR'S voice is slightly aged, but rigid, precise and imperious in its tone.) DRACONIAN EMPEROR: You will address the Emperor in a proper manner! (The PRINCE takes a humble step back.) DRACONIAN PRINCE: Your pardon. May I have permission to address the Emperor? (His father holds out hand. The PRINCE steps forward and kisses it.) DRACONIAN PRINCE: My life at your command. DRACONIAN EMPEROR: One day, my son, you will inherit this throne. Then you will realise the importance of due formality. Now, what do you wish to say? DRACONIAN PRINCE: Surely now you will declare war upon the Earthmen? Let me lead your battle-fleets to crush their... DRACONIAN EMPEROR: (Interrupts.) They too have battle-fleets, my son. Such a war could well bring down both empires. DRACONIAN PRINCE: Not if we strike first, then we shall be the victors! DRACONIAN EMPEROR: In such a war, there are no victors. DRACONIAN PRINCE: The nobles of the court are demanding action. They fear for the honour of Draconia. DRACONIAN EMPEROR: I am the Emperor! The honour of Draconia is vested in me. DRACONIAN PRINCE: The throne depends upon the great families for support. Emperors have been deposed before now. DRACONIAN EMPEROR: An Emperor who does not rule deposes himself! DRACONIAN PRINCE: Then what will you do, father? DRACONIAN EMPEROR: I shall question these Earthmen myself. I have already sent for them. DRACONIAN PRINCE: Why waste time listening to their lies? (The PRINCE steps to the side of his father as the DRACONIAN CAPTAIN walks in and bows, followed by his three captors.) DRACONIAN CAPTAIN: Majesty - I bring you the prisoners. (The DOCTOR and the MASTER bow.) DOCTOR: May I have permission to address the Emperor? (The EMPEROR nods. The DOCTOR steps forward but the PRINCE blocks him.) DRACONIAN EMPEROR: Wait! DRACONIAN PRINCE: This is an insult! (But the EMPEROR holds out his hand. The PRINCE lets the DOCTOR forward, who takes the EMPEROR'S hand and bows his forehead to it.) DOCTOR: My life at your command, sire. DRACONIAN PRINCE: How dare you address the Emperor in a manner reserved for a noble of Draconia? DOCTOR: Ah, but I am a noble of Draconia. The honour was conferred on me by the fifteenth Emperor. DRACONIAN PRINCE: (Mocking.) The fifteenth Emperor reigned five hundred years ago. (The MASTER laughs.) MASTER: Your majesty, do not be taken in by this ridiculous story...! DRACONIAN EMPEROR: (Shouts.) Be silent! There is a legend among our people of a man who assisted the fifteenth Emperor at a time of great trouble when we were almost overwhelmed by a great plague from outer space. But you could not be that man. No Earthman lives so long. DOCTOR: Your Majesty, this man that you speak of - was he not known as the Doctor? And did he not come to this planet in a spaceship called the TARDIS? DRACONIAN EMPEROR: He did. DOCTOR: Well, I am that man, sire. And I come from a race of people that live far longer than any Earthman. DRACONIAN EMPEROR: Even if I accept your claim, you have broken our law. Why did you violate Draconian space? MASTER: Your majesty, this man was, and still is, my prisoner. DOCTOR: It is true, your majesty. I did come here as a prisoner, but I...I came willingly - in order to warn you that this man is plotting a war between Earth and Draconia! DRACONIAN PRINCE: All Earthmen are determined upon war. DOCTOR: Ah, but the Master is not an Earthman. I'm sorry to have to admit it, but he's a renegade of my own race, and he's using creatures called Ogrons to attack your spaceships and those of the Earthmen. DRACONIAN EMPEROR: The Earthmen who attacked our spaceships - they have been seen many times. DOCTOR: I'm sorry, but there you are in error, sir. Your people have seen Ogrons, but they appear to them as Earthmen because of a hypnotic device. JO: It's true, your majesty. When Ogrons attacked the Earth ships, the Earthmen saw them as Draconians. DRACONIAN PRINCE: Silence! Females are not permitted to speak in the presence of the Emperor. MASTER: Your majesty, do not be deceived by the pathetic ravings of two criminals trying to evade justice. DRACONIAN EMPEROR: (To the DOCTOR.) If what you say is true, it would explain much. We lived at peace with the Earthmen for many years, then suddenly they began to raid our spaceships. When we protested, they said that we were attacking them. DRACONIAN PRINCE: In order to cover up their own attacks! This is simply a plot of the Earthmen to lull us into false security. (A DRACONIAN MESSENGER enters the throne room and bows to the EMPEROR.) DRACONIAN EMPEROR: Speak! DRACONIAN MESSENGER: Your majesty, a spaceship from Earth seeks permission to land in the palace spaceport. They say they're on a special mission from the President of Earth. DRACONIAN PRINCE: This is a trick! You must not allow them to land! DRACONIAN EMPEROR: We are not yet at war with Earth. I shall hear what their President has to say. I give my permission. DRACONIAN MESSENGER: Your majesty. (He bows and leaves.) DOCTOR: A wise decision, your majesty. For only by Earth and Draconia working together can we hope to arrive at the truth. MASTER: I too welcome your wisdom, your majesty. Nobody could be more devoted to the cause of peace than I. (The DOCTOR and JO look at each other. JO is about to say something but the DOCTOR holds up a hand for her to be quiet.) MASTER: As a commissioner of Earth's interplanetary police, I have devoted my life to the cause of law and order. And law and order can only exist in a time of peace. (The DOCTOR puts a friendly hand on his shoulder.) DOCTOR: You feeling alright, old chap? (The MASTER ignores him and continues...) MASTER: Only during a period of social stability, can society adequately deal with criminals such as this man and this unfortunate girl. (As she speaks, JO looks round. She can suddenly hear the hypnotic pulsing signal again.) JO: Doctor, listen! That sound! DRACONIAN PRINCE: Silence, female! JO: Quiet! It's the same noise that I heard on the cargo ship. (The EMPEROR listens to the sound.) JO: Doctor, it's the Ogrons! DOCTOR: (To the EMPEROR.) Your majesty, I beg of you to be cautious. Something is seriously wrong here. This ship that has just landed - I beg you, place it under guard immediately. MASTER: Your majesty, please? (But suddenly, the OGRONS burst into the throne room and start blasting away. The MASTER runs to their protection as a fight breaks out between the raiders on one side and the Draconians, with the DOCTOR as support, on the other.) DRACONIAN PRINCE: Seize them, fool! (The DOCTOR manages to kick an OGRON down into unconsciousness but all the other casualties are Draconians as the EMPEROR watches in horror.) MASTER: Ah, you idiots! Back to your ship - all of you! FIRST OGRON: Back, Master! (The OGRONS surround the MASTER and hurriedly leave the throne room. The PRINCE rushes to the throne.) DRACONIAN PRINCE: Now will you believe in the treachery of the Earthmen? DOCTOR: Your majesty, look down here and tell me - what do you see? (The EMPEROR stands up and looks down to where the DOCTOR points. He sees an unconscious Earth soldier.) DRACONIAN EMPEROR: I see one of your Earth soldiers who attacked my palace and kill my people. DOCTOR: Jo? (JO comes out from hiding by the side of the throne.) DOCTOR: Jo, can you still hear that sound? JO: Yes, it's...it's fading. It's almost gone. DOCTOR: Your majesty, I beg of you, please?! Look again! DRACONIAN PRINCE: Why do we delay? Destroy him! (The sound totally disappears. The EMPEROR looks down at the "Earth soldier".) DRACONIAN EMPEROR: Wait! (The man changes. In his place is the unconscious OGRON.) DRACONIAN EMPEROR: He has spoken the truth. [SCENE_BREAK] 5: SPACE (The OGRON ship leaves the orbit of Draconia.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. OGRON SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (The door to the bridge opens and a furious MASTER stalks in, followed by his retinue of OGRONS.) MASTER: Great lumbering idiots! Now you tell me that you've left one of your fellows in the palace! Do you realise what this means? As soon as the sound of the hypno-effect wears off, the Draconians will know who it really was who attacked them. You've ruined everything! FIRST OGRON: What shall we do now? MASTER: Do? There's only one thing we can do - make sure that the Doctor and his evidence is never allowed to reach Earth. [SCENE_BREAK] 7: DRACONIAN. EMPEROR'S THRONE ROOM (The OGRON is now conscious and stands in chains before the throne under the barrels of several raised blasters. The DOCTOR, now in favour, stands on the steps of the throne next to the EMPEROR.) DOCTOR: Why does the Master want war between Earth and Draconia? DRACONIAN PRINCE: Did you attack our spaceships and those of the Earthmen? JO: Oh, it's no good. We're not getting anywhere. DRACONIAN PRINCE: (To the EMPEROR.) Let me take him for questioning. He shall answer to me. I shall use the mind probe. DOCTOR: You'd only be wasting your time. The Ogrons have got the finest defence mechanism of all - stupidity. They haven't got a mind for you to probe. DRACONIAN EMPEROR: Then remove him. We will deal with him later. (The OGRON prisoner is led away.) DRACONIAN EMPEROR: Why did that sound make us see this creature as a soldier from Earth? JO: Because you're frightened of Earthmen. DRACONIAN PRINCE: Draconians fear nothing, female. JO: Well, of course you do. You fear them and they fear you. That's why when Earthmen heard that sound, they saw Draconians. DRACONIAN EMPEROR: That is true. We do fear the Earthmen...and they fear us. DOCTOR: And fear breeds hatred, your majesty. Fear is the greatest enemy of them all, for fear leads us to war. DRACONIAN EMPEROR: We shall tell the Earthmen what has happened here. They too must know the truth. DRACONIAN PRINCE: They will not believe us. DOCTOR: The Prince is right, your majesty. We must mount an expedition at once, and we must take the Ogron as evidence. DRACONIAN PRINCE: The empires are on the verge of war. A Draconian spaceship in Earth space could be destroyed before it reaches its destination. JO: (To the DOCTOR.) We could use the ship that Master brought us in. It's an Earth police spaceship. DRACONIAN PRINCE: Females are not permitted to speak... DRACONIAN EMPEROR: (Interrupts.) The female may speak. DRACONIAN PRINCE: But... DRACONIAN EMPEROR: (Interrupts.) We must respect the customs of our guests, strange though they may be. The suggestion had merit. JO: Thank you, your majesty. (She shoots a look at the PRINCE.) DRACONIAN EMPEROR: (To the DOCTOR.) You too will go on this mission. But it must be headed by a Draconian of noble rank. I shall send my son. (The PRINCE looks up and glares at the DOCTOR.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: SPACE (The policeship returns on its diplomatic mission.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA (Inside the cell area, the OGRON is now in the locked cage, with one DRACONIAN on guard. JO enters with two items of food.) JO: Here you are. Brought you some food. (She puts one item down on the bunk, and hands the other to the OGRON through the bars of the cage.) JO: And a delicious banana. (The OGRON takes it and bites into the fruit without preparation.) JO: I think you're supposed to peel it first? (The OGRON carries on munching.) JO: Oh well. (She calls over to the Draconian guard.) JO: Hey, you know - you wanna be very careful of him. He's not as stupid as he looks. (The guard barely gives her a glance and turns away again.) JO: I know, I know - women aren't allowed to speak. You know, I think it's about time that women's lib was brought to Draconia. (She walks out of the cell area as the OGRON pushes against the barred door of his cage.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (The DOCTOR operates the controls of the ship, watched by the DRACONIAN PRINCE. JO returns to the bridge.) DOCTOR: Hello, Jo. How's your Ogron friend? JO: Not too happy. He seemed to enjoy his banana though. Doctor, where are we? DOCTOR: We're just about to cross the frontier into Earth space. JO: Ooh, that's good. DRACONIAN PRINCE: Unless your Earth people destroy us. DOCTOR: Well, this is an Earth police spaceship, you know, sir. JO: Even if it is stolen. (The PRINCE suddenly spots a blinking signal on the monitor screen.) DRACONIAN PRINCE: What is that?! DOCTOR: Well, it looks like another spaceship. It appears to be following us. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: SPACE (The OGRON ship is their mysterious pursuer.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. OGRON SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (On the bridge, a similar signal appears on their monitor screen. The OGRON at the console sees it.) FIRST OGRON: Look! (The MASTER steps up to the control console.) MASTER: Well, that must be them. No other ship would be on a course for Earth at a time like this. FIRST OGRON: (Puzzled.) We are on a course for Earth! MASTER: (Shouts in exasperation.) Well naturally, because we're chasing them a...! (He regains his patience with his subordinate.) MASTER: Keep quiet and let me think! (To himself.) No, soon they'll be within striking distance. FIRST OGRON: What will you do, Master? MASTER: Ah, I...I'd like to try and take the Doctor alive if possible. If not...I'll blast him out of space! Pity though... FIRST OGRON: You do wish to kill him? MASTER: Of course I do! I don't know - rocket fire at long range, it's... I don't know, somehow it lacks that personal touch! [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (The DOCTOR, JO and the PRINCE.) DOCTOR: They're closing in. Perhaps it's a frontier patrol ship coming to investigate us. JO: Well, can't we talk to them and tell them who we are? DOCTOR: Well, we can try. We should be within audio range. (He switches the radio on.) DOCTOR: (Into radio.) Hello, this is Earth police spaceship two, three, nine, o on a special mission to the President of Earth. Do you read me, do you read me? Over. [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. OGRON SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (The DOCTOR'S voice comes through in a slight haze of static.) DOCTOR: (OOV: Over radio.) Earth police spaceship two, three, nine, o on a special mission to the President of Earth. Do you read me, do you read me? Over. (The MASTER, holding a hand microphone, replies in a bland tone...) MASTER: (Into radio.) This is Earth police spaceship number one, four, two. Your ship is one that has been reported as stolen. You will please reduce speed so that we can board you. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE DOCTOR: (Into radio.) Hello, Earth police spaceship one, four, two. I think we'll be in trouble over this. Ah, hello, we've, er, recaptured this ship and are taking it back to Earth, over. MASTER: (OOV: Over radio.) Reduce speed immediately so that we can board you. DRACONIAN PRINCE: Why should we submit to this delay? Our mission has diplomatic immunity. DOCTOR: Yes, but they, unfortunately, didn't know that - did they? Hello, Earth police spaceship, we are reducing speed as you request, over. JO: Doctor, are you sure? We don't really know if it's the police. DOCTOR: Yes, exactly. That's why I want to get them into visual scanner range. [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. OGRON SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (The MASTER watches the readings.) MASTER: Right, they've reduced speed. They should be within striking distance now. (He waits a moment.) MASTER: That's about it. Release the first missile! (The OGRON opens a cover over the firing button and presses it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: SPACE (A hatch opens on the side of the OGRON ship and a battery of missiles on a firing frame slides out. One of the missiles fires, followed by another...) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE DOCTOR: We should be able to pick them up on the visual scanner now. (He presses a button and the picture changes to that of an indistinct shape in space. After a moment, it focuses into a familiar shape.) JO: It's an Ogron ship! (They are suddenly rocked as the first missile explodes.) DOCTOR: Hold tight! I'm taking evasive action! (He frantically operates the controls as the second missile explodes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. OGRON SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (The MASTER watches the moving police ship on the bridge monitor. He tries to focus the missile trigger on it.) MASTER: Come on, Doctor, keep still, keep still. That's better. That's about it. Right - fire! [SCENE_BREAK] 21: SPACE (A third missile fires.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE DOCTOR: They're still after us. (They are rocked by the third missile.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA (The captive OGRON has broken out of its cage. The door lies to one side. The creature has sneaked up behind the Draconian guard and knocks him to the ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. OGRON SPACESHIP. BRIDGE MASTER: Fire! (The FIRST OGRON presses the firing button again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE DRACONIAN PRINCE: Can we not fire back? DOCTOR: No...no, I'm afraid we're outgunned. This isn't a battlecruiser, you know? (The ship is rocked again as next missile explodes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA (The OGRON makes its way along the raised platform towards a door that leads to the bridge.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE DOCTOR: Hang on! I think we're shaking them off! (The growling OGRON bursts onto the bridge.) JO: Doctor! (The OGRON makes for the DOCTOR who starts to grapple with its arm.) DOCTOR: Your royal highness! Get out, Jo! (JO runs off the bridge as the DOCTOR pushes the OGRON back against the console. However, in doing so, it pushes back against the speed controls.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. OGRON SPACESHIP. BRIDGE MASTER: We must have hit them. They're losing speed. FIRST OGRON: Shall I fire again? MASTER: No, no, it might be possible to take the Doctor alive after all. (He calls to a SECOND OGRON.) MASTER: Muster a boarding party. SECOND OGRON: Yes, Master. (It moves off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: SPACE (The police ship lies still in space. The OGRON ship closes in.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (The DOCTOR and the PRINCE have managed to subdue the OGRON on the floor and re-bind its arms behind its back.) DOCTOR: Right, there you are, my friend. [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA (JO runs into the cell area and up to the recovering Draconian guard.) JO: You alright? (Suddenly the airlock door starts to open. JO jumps up to try and close it again.) JO: Oh no, you don't! (But several OGRONS burst in and grab her.) JO: (Screams.) No, no! No, they've got me! SECOND OGRON: This way! (They move towards the bridge door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (JO'S cries reach the bridge.) JO: (OOV: From the cell area.) Let me go! DOCTOR: (To the PRINCE.) We've been boarded! We need blasters - come on! DRACONIAN PRINCE: The prisoner? DOCTOR: Don't worry about him. He's no use to us at the moment. [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CABIN (They run onto a room behind the bridge and the DOCTOR opens an armoury cupboard.) JO: (OOV: From the cell area.) Let me go! No! Doctor! (The DOCTOR hands a blaster to the PRINCE and takes one himself. The door from the cell area opens.) DOCTOR: Get down! (He and the PRINCE dive behind a piece of machinery and use it for cover. They are seen by the OGRON who uses the doorframe for cover.) SECOND OGRON: The enemy! (Shots are exchanged between the two parties.) SECOND OGRON: Fool - go! (As the SECOND OGRON returns the fire, another runs in.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. OGRON SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (The MASTER is getting impatient as he watches the scanner with the FIRST OGRON.) MASTER: What is happening? They should have taken that ship by now! (He lets out an exclamation of despair.) MASTER: Must I do everything myself?! FIRST OGRON: Look! (A third spaceship appears on the monitor.) MASTER: An Earth battlecruiser. You'd better recall the boarding party. I'll take over here. (The FIRST OGRON gets out of the pilot's chair...) MASTER: As soon as they're back on board, we unlock. (...and the MASTER takes his place as the OGRON moves off.) MASTER: Fools! [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA (JO, struggling, is still held fast by an OGRON. The FIRST OGRON, having made his way over, waits.) JO: (Screams.) Help! Doctor! (The SECOND OGRON gestures through the bridge doorway to the others.) SECOND OGRON: You come! (The others return from the bridge with their rescued compatriot.) FIRST OGRON: You must come! Look out! We must take the girl! JO: (Screams.) No! (The other OGRONS start to leave the ship through the airlock.) JO: (Screams.) Help me! No! FIRST OGRON: Bring the girl! JO: (Screams.) Doctor! (They drag JO through to their ship.) [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. OGRON SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (JO is pulled onto the bridge.) FIRST OGRON: In here! MASTER: Right - unlock! [SCENE_BREAK] 37: SPACE (The two ships pull away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 38: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. AIRLOCK (The airlock is still open to space. Against the rush of escaping air, the DOCTOR and the PRINCE struggle through to the cell area and see the open door. They grasp onto the handles of the raised platform and try to make it along to the doorway.) [SCENE_BREAK] 39: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA (Handhold by handhold, they reach the doorway as the air rushes through.) [SCENE_BREAK] 40: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. AIRLOCK (The DOCTOR, with one hand still on the rail, reaches out and grabs the airlock door. He struggles to pull it to against the enormous pressure but manages to do so.) [SCENE_BREAK] 41: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA (The crisis over, the two gasp for air.) DOCTOR: We should be alright in a minute. The ship'll pump in more oxygen. [SCENE_BREAK] 42: SPACE (The Earth battlecruiser still hangs nearby.) [SCENE_BREAK] 43: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (The EARTH CRUISER CAPTAIN appears on the monitor on the bridge.) EARTH CRUISER CAPTAIN: (On monitor.) This is Earth battle cruiser X, two, nine. Do you read me? Identify yourself. (The DOCTOR and the PRINCE come back on the bridge. The DOCTOR takes the pilot's chair.) EARTH CRUISER CAPTAIN: (On monitor.) This is Earth battle cruiser X, two, nine. Do you read me? Identify yourself. DOCTOR: (Into microphone.) Hello, this is Earth police spaceship two, three, nine, o on a special mission to the President of Earth, over. [SCENE_BREAK] 44: SPACE (The battlecruiser closes in to dock.) EARTH CRUISER CAPTAIN: (OOV: Over radio.) Identify the ship that has just unlocked from you. They refuse to answer our signals. [SCENE_BREAK] 45: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE DOCTOR: (Into microphone.) Look, it's of vital importance that you pursue and capture that ship immediately, over. EARTH CRUISER CAPTAIN: (On monitor.) You are in possession of a stolen police spaceship. You are under arrest. Stand by to be boarded. [SCENE_BREAK] 46: INT. OGRON SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (On the OGRON ship, the MASTER, JO and the OGRONS listen into the conversation...) DOCTOR: (OOV: Over radio.) Look, you don't understand. The man who stole this ship is escaping in that vessel. EARTH CRUISER CAPTAIN: (OOV: Over radio.) You are under arrest. You'll be given the opportunity of making a full statement. Do not offer any resistance. Stand by to be boarded. DOCTOR: (OOV: Over radio.) Oh, very well. We're standing by. (The MASTER switches off the radio and laughs.) MASTER: Poor Doctor! Enmeshed in the throes of...bureaucracy. Ah, it'll take him a long time to talk himself out of that one. JO: But he'll get to see the President eventually. MASTER: She won't believe him. JO: Oh yes, she will - when she sees the Ogron prisoner. He's our evidence. (The MASTER points behind JO.) MASTER: Your evidence is standing right behind you. (She looks at an impassive OGRON.) JO: (To the MASTER.) The Draconian Prince knows the truth and he's with the Doctor. MASTER: My dear Miss Grant - in the climate of opinion that I have created, do you think that any Earthman is going to believe the word of a Draconian? [SCENE_BREAK] 47: INT. EARTH. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE (Back on Earth, in the PRESIDENT'S office, the DRACONIAN PRINCE has backed the DOCTOR'S story to the PRESIDENT herself and GENERAL WILLIAMS, but...) PRESIDENT OF EARTH: Your highness, we've heard the Doctor's theory before. And with respect, there is still no concrete evidence. I myself would like to believe you but, as you can see, I need proof to convince my people. DOCTOR: Then we must mount an expedition to the planet of the Ogrons. The proof we need is there, Madam. GENERAL WILLIAMS: With Earth on the brink of war, how can we divert our forces into such a pointless expedition? Suppose this is yet another Draconian trick to divide our strength? DOCTOR: My dear chap, I'm not asking for a battle-fleet. All I require is one small spaceship. PRESIDENT OF EARTH: Your request is granted. GENERAL WILLIAMS: On the contrary, your request is denied. (The furious PRESIDENT jumps to her feet.) PRESIDENT OF EARTH: My authority...! GENERAL WILLIAMS: (Interrupts.) In a purely military matter of this kind, Madam, your authority is limited. PRESIDENT OF EARTH: I can overrule you. GENERAL WILLIAMS: Only with the backing of the full Earth senate. And do you think they will give it? DRACONIAN PRINCE: (Angrily.) How can we expect help from a man such as this? (He points an accusing scaly finger at GENERAL WILLIAMS.) DRACONIAN PRINCE: (Angrily.) This is the man who deliberately caused war between our people! (GENERAL WILLIAMS himself jumps up and faces the PRINCE as they close in on each other.) GENERAL WILLIAMS: That is untrue! DRACONIAN PRINCE: Twenty years ago, you destroyed a Draconian ship that had come in a mission of peace! GENERAL WILLIAMS: A ship that was about to open fire on us when we were damaged and helpless! DRACONIAN PRINCE: They came in peace as had been arranged. GENERAL WILLIAMS: Then why didn't they answer my signals? DRACONIAN PRINCE: Their communications equipment had been destroyed in a neutron storm - the same neutron storm that damaged your ship! PRESIDENT OF EARTH: Is this true? DRACONIAN PRINCE: I have read the records of my father's court. It is the truth. GENERAL WILLIAMS: But why a battlecruiser? The agreement was that both ships were to be unarmed. DRACONIAN PRINCE: Naturally we sent a cruiser. How else should a nobleman of Draconia travel? But its missile banks were empty - the ship was unarmed. (GENERAL WILLIAMS looks stunned.) [SCENE_BREAK] 48: INT. OGRON SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (The planet of the OGRONS appears on the monitor. The MASTER turns to JO.) MASTER: Well, very soon we shall be landing. I think, Miss Grant, you had better prepare yourself for a long stay. I'm afraid it's not a very comfortable place, but as the old song says: "Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home". [SCENE_BREAK] 49: INT. EARTH. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE GENERAL WILLIAMS: Your highness, please accept my deepest regrets for the wrong I have done your people. (The PRINCE bows.) DOCTOR: Then I, can I take it, sir, that you will now authorise the expedition? GENERAL WILLIAMS: I intend to lead it. If the planet of the Ogrons exists, we shall find it. [SCENE_BREAK] 50: EXT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS (The planet of the OGRONS is a grey, bleak and rocky place. Accompanied by two OGRONS, the MASTER, holding JO'S arm fast, leads her across the terrain and down a path that suddenly gets steeper.) MASTER: Be careful down here. (JO takes her steps carefully as they descend. The MASTER points.) MASTER: This way. (At the base of the path, the MASTER points to his left.) MASTER: Right - in there. (Their destination is a cave mouth. They enter.) [SCENE_BREAK] 51: INT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS. MASTER'S OPERATIONS AREA (Deep inside the cave, it is mostly man-made in light bricks although rocks litter the ground. Spot-lights have been placed on the wall to create pools of light in the gloom and various pieces of machinery and controls stand on temporary shelving units. The whole place is functional with no luxuries.) MASTER: Well, Miss Grant, welcome to my humble abode. (He snaps his fingers and the OGRONS depart. JO looks round, non-too impressed.) JO: I think you were better off in prison. MASTER: Oh, temporary quarters, my dear. I shall soon be changing them for something better. JO: Oh, you'll soon be back in jail. When the truth gets out, Earth and Draconia will combine their forces to attack you. MASTER: I don't think so. There's too much distrust between them. JO: The Doctor will find you eventually. MASTER: Ah, there I agree with you. He must find me. Not only to rescue you... (He crosses to a control panel.) MASTER: But also to be reunited with his beloved TARDIS. (He flicks a switch and the area behind JO, previously in darkness, is bathed in light. Within an alcove stands the welcome shape of the TARDIS. JO rushes up to it and places her hands on the locked doors) MASTER: You know, Miss Grant, I'm going to set a trap for the Doctor...and you are going to help me. (JO remains silent.) MASTER: What? No noble speeches to the effect that you'd rather die than betray the Doctor? JO: You know I'm not going to help you. (The MASTER approaches her with the hypnotic look in his eyes.) MASTER: I know that you are. (He stares at her and his voice deepens.) MASTER: I know that you will obey me. You will obey me! I am the Master... (As he closes in, JO starts chanting...) JO: "Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go". MASTER: You...will...obey...me! JO: "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall..." MASTER: (Angrily.) Stop that, Miss Grant! JO: It's a form of self-conditioning. You fill your mind with nonsense and then you can't be hypnotised. (The MASTER tries again.) MASTER: You...will...obey...me...! JO: "See-saw, Marjory Daw, Johnny shall have a new master". MASTER: You...will...obey...me...! JO: "He shall have but a penny a day, because he can't work any faster..." MASTER: (Shouts.) Alright, alright, alright, alright! (JO falls silent.) MASTER: I was never very fond of nursery rhymes anyhow! JO: Then you'll just have to give up all hope of hypnotising me, won't you? Once was quite enough, thank you. (The MASTER sighs and gives her a look almost of admiration. He crosses to a desk.) MASTER: In that case, I shall have to try something else. (He picks up a small black box and switches it on. A red light on the side starts to flash and a familiar pulsing signal starts to emit.) MASTER: You may have heard this noise before, Miss Grant. It works directly on the fear centres deep in your mind! (JO'S eyes widen in fear as the signal grows stronger.)
Plan: A: Draconia; Q: Where are the Doctor, Jo and the Master taken? A: the Doctor; Q: Who tries to convince the Draconians of the truth? A: But then the Ogrons attack; Q: What happens to the Doctor and Jo when they are taken to Draconia? Summary: The Doctor, Jo and the Master are taken to Draconia, where the Doctor tries to convince the Draconians of the truth. But then the Ogrons attack.
[Act 1] [Scene 1 - Café Nervosa Fade in. Frasier enters and sees Roz seated at a table next to the counter. There is a waiter at the table with reindeer antlers on his head.] Frasier: Oh, hey Roz. Can I join you? Roz: Sure. Frasier: [to waiter] Ah... May I have a latté to go, please? And I... I hope that they're paying you extra to wear that. [He takes the seat across from Roz.] Waiter: No, but I was hoping that it would help me with my tips. Frasier: Ah. Well, as you know my tipping policy stands firmly on the twin pillars of courtesy and efficiency. But today I shall include - [tips him] - whimsy. Merry Christmas. Waiter: God Bless You, sir. Frasier: Well... [The Waiter leaves.] Roz: I'm really surprised Frasier, I didn't think you'd go for something kitschy like that. Frasier: It's Christmas time I say let a thousand antlers bloom. Roz: Oh, well what a relief. [She takes off her coat to reveal an elf costume.] Frasier: Oh... oh, Roz. Roz: I'm working Santa's Toy Drive at the mall. I'm an elf. Frasier: Roz, if you needed extra cash you should have come to me. I've got plenty of odd chores around the house. Roz: [looks disgusted] It's not about money. I'm volunteering. Frasier: Oh! Well, good for you, yes. Roz: Yeah, visiting Santa Claus at the department store was one of my favorite memories as a kid. Frasier: Mmmm... I always found him terrifying - and inquisitorial. Roz: When I was seven - my mom and dad took me to the mall to see Santa... Frasier: Uh-huh. Roz: [continuing] They were going through their divorce at the time so they were barely talking. Anyway, when I sat down on his lap - I started to cry and he was just so nice, he made me feel safe and protected... I don't know, he just made me feel special. So if I can do that for just one little kid - you know? I'd like to do that. [She nods] Frasier: I'm sorry I laughed at you, Roz. You should be very proud of yourself. Roz: Thank you, and I better go before I'm late. [She gets up from her chair] Frasier: Oh, right. You know what, I'm going too, I'll walk with you. [He gets up from his chair as Roz picks up her coat from the back of her chair. As she passes Frasier, who is now at the counter, the bells on her costume jingle. He turns to see her at the door putting an elf hat on her head.] Frasier: Actually Roz, [She looks up] why don't you go ahead? I'm going to get myself a scone. [Roz leaves and Frasier turns back towards the counter as we fade out.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene 2: Frasier's apartment. Frasier answers the door to Niles and Daphne. Martin is in his chair.] Daphne: Hello! Niles: Hello, Hello. Frasier: Oh, hi guys. Good to see you. [As they enter Frasier kisses Daphne on the cheek. Daphne goes into the living room, while Niles starts talking to Frasier.] Frasier: Come on in. Niles: Hey! Ah, we were hoping to uh, use your wassail bowl. [Frasier closes the door.] Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. I've already loaned it to Lawrence Emerson and his mandrel-caroling group. Niles: Well you can kiss that bowl good-bye. Frasier, the Yule Tones are the bad boys of Renaissance Christmas music. Have you ever seen a church common room after one of their performances? Frasier: Oh... Martin: Why don't you just use the punch bowl? Frasier: Because then it wouldn't be wassail, it would be punch. Martin: What's the difference? [Niles makes noise in the background.] Daphne: Me dad used to say that punch would make you want to kiss the donkey in the manger scene and wassail makes you want to check into the inn. Frasier: That's very funny. [walks over toward her] Uh, listen Daphne, uh, I was just wondering, is your mum partial to a traditional Cornwell dressing? You see, I'm thinking it'd go splendidly with the 12-lb. Hungarian goose that I'm serving. [Martin gets up from his chair.] Daphne: [laughs and walks over to Niles] Mum is spending Christmas on a cruise, an early Christmas present from Niles. Niles: Yes, I didn't think she'd go for it, but apparently in international waters you can play single deck Black Jack. Frasier: Oh... Niles: Um, actually Frasier, Daphne and I... would like to have you over at OUR house for Christmas this year. Daphne: Yeah, we just put up our tree and everything looks so lovely and it is our first Christmas as a married couple. Frasier: Well, uh, as lovely as that sounds-- Niles: [interrupting] Oh, come on, why not?! Frasier: Uh, well, Niles because it's a little late to be changing things, isn't it? Besides, we've always had Christmas here, it's a tradition. [Martin is standing by the desk wearing glasses and holding an open dictionary.] Martin: "Wassail - a Christmas punch." [Martin closes the dictionary and places it back on the desk.] Niles: Frasier, you've had Christmas for the past nine years. Frasier: Yes, but we agreed that when you hosted Thanksgiving, that we would have Christmas here in its traditional setting. [Daphne starts to say something, but doesn't.] Niles: Well maybe it's time to start a new tradition. Frasier: But I've had new stockings loomed for everyone - now there, you see, you've made me spoil the surprise - and did anyone hear that I have ordered a Hungarian goose?! [Martin sits back in his chair.] Niles: Which you are more than welcome to bring to our place. Frasier: [shouting] It's not my date, it's dinner! [Niles looks irritated.] Frasier: [continued] Honestly Niles, I'm really quite affronted by this. [Walks over to the dinner table and sits down in a chair.] Daphne: [turns to Niles and whispers] If it means that much to him, why don't we just let him keep it? Niles: [holding her wrist as she sits down on the couch and then lets go] No, No! [walks over to Martin's chair] There is no reason why just this once we can't host Christmas at the Montana. Frasier's just being a churl. Frasier: You're the churl! Martin: [aggravated] You're both a couple of churls. How 'bout a compromise? Say... morning at one house, afternoon at the other. Daphne: Well, that's a wonderful idea... but who gets morning and who gets afternoon? [Frasier jumps out of the chair that he is sitting in.] & Niles: [both raise a hand] Morning! Daphne: [gets up from couch] I think Niles said it first. [Niles turns to Frasier and goes "Ha!" Frasier just gasps.] Frasier: Dad, who do you think said it first? Martin: I'm sick of everything being a contest between the two of you. Frasier: Alright then dad, you decide where we're having Christmas. Niles: I'm fine with that. [Daphne sits back down.] Martin: Alright... I will. I need a few days to think about it... [Niles quickly turns his head, like "great."] Martin: [continues] In the meantime, decision-making is thirsty work, sure could use a beer. Niles: [runs towards the kitchen] Oh! I'll get it! Frasier: [runs after him] NO!! Niles: I got it! Frasier: Oh, will you shut up! [They both exit into the kitchen.] Martin: [turns to Daphne] A little trick their mom taught me. [We fade out] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene 3 - The mall. We see Santa and a line of kids in front of him Roz is sitting down in front of him in her elf costume.] Santa: Don't worry Margie, you don't need a chimney. Santa always finds a way in. You have a Merry Christmas now. Margie: Thank you Santa. Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho. [Roz helps the little girl get down. Frasier enters from the side with a bag.] Frasier: Roz! Hello. [Roz walks over to him.] Roz: Oh! Hi, Frasier, listen, when I'm at the North Pole my name is Snowflake. Frasier: It's a little on the nose, isn't it? [They both laugh.] Frasier: Anyway, I was at the mall and thought that I'd drop off a donation for the Toy Drive. [He hands Roz a present from his bag.] Roz: Thank you very much. [She places the present with the others she turns back to Frasier and notices another gift in his bag.] Roz: Is this for us too? Frasier: No, no, actually this is another "Dancing Santa" for dad. His other one got damaged. Roz: I thought you threw that thing over the balcony? Frasier: Yes, which damaged it. [A girl dressed in an elf costume walks over to them.] Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho. Well Polly, what would you like Santa to bring you? Girl Elf: He wouldn't have to bring me anything, just show up. Roz: Back off Twinkle, I saw him first. [Twinkle walks away.] Frasier: What's this? Do I sense a little office romance... here at Santa's Workshop? Roz: Oh, I wouldn't mind. His name is Rick and he's so... sweet. Frasier: And let me guess, he's also a hunk? Roz: Well I wouldn't know, I haven't seen him without his Santa getup yet. But based on those eyes, [looks at Rick, then turns back to Frasier] there's definite potential. [Twinkle returns with gifts and places them with the others.] Santa: Oh, Ho, Ho. Santa needs his favorite helper elf. Roz: Oh, see that, I'm his favorite. [laughs] Twinkle: Down Snowflake, I've got this one. Roz: Okay Twinkle, you go ahead. [then, gasps] Oh, no, is that a zit? [As Roz rolls her eyes then leaves, Frasier drops his mouth open, while Twinkle puts her hand to her face and glances up at Frasier.] [We fade out] [Scene 4 - Café Nervosa. Frasier is sitting at the table next to the entrance. Roz enters with her costume in a garment bag.] Frasier: Oh, Snowflake. Over here. [Roz joins him.] Roz: Hi. I just got back from the costume shop, I had to get my toes re-curled. [Places her bag across her chair] Frasier: Ah, which reminds me. How are things with Mr. Claus, mm? Roz: Oh, I haven't had a chance to ask him out yet. Frasier: What's the matter? Low... elf-esteem? Roz: How long have you been waiting to say that? Frasier: Two days. I almost called you. [both laugh] [Martin enters and Frasier notices Niles sitting over by the counter. Martin goes over to Niles, who is dusting off his chair.] Frasier: What's this? Niles with dad. I knew it! Roz: Oh! You guys aren't still fighting about -- Christmas? Frasier: He's fighting. I'm not fighting. Roz: Oh, what is the big deal? Why don't you let him have Christmas? Frasier: Because it is just so unfair. Roz: What's not fair? Frasier: Oh, you wouldn't understand. Roz: Well come on Frasier, talk to me. Use your words. Frasier: Because, it's so egregious. Roz: Smaller words. Frasier: I don't know. Okay, look, it just seems that Niles is systematically emptying my home. We used to have Thanksgiving dinner there... gone! Daphne... gone! If I let him have Christmas, I'll have nothing left. Just end up some... doddering old bachelor sipping tea and keeping the apartment at a balmy seventy-eight degrees. Roz: And how is that different from now? [Frasier gives her a look when he spies Niles giving Martin a thermos with a bow on top, from a bag that is on the table.] Frasier: Excuse me. I smell skullduggery afoot. [He walks over to Martin and Niles.] Frasier: Hey, dad. Martin: Hey, Fras. Frasier: New thermos? Niles, I'd have never thought you'd stoop so low. Niles: I have no idea at what you're talking about. Just buying dad some coffee before driving him to work. Frasier: You are trying to bribe dad to have Christmas at your place! [Niles stands up.] Niles: Oh, and what about you? Buying him the Dancing Santa. A surprising gift, considering you threw his last one off the balcony! [Martin gasps and Frasier steps back.] Martin: You did what? That Santa never did anything to hurt you, all he ever did was dance and try to make people happy. Frasier: Yes, yes, alright dad. Martin: Why'd you do it-- Frasier: Oh, alright! [N.B. Shouldn't Martin already know that Frasier threw his Dancing Santa off the balcony? Remember in the tag credits of Season Seven's "The Fight Before Christmas," [7.11], Martin sees the hat on the balcony and looks down. He then turns around to see Frasier so he know that HE did it!] Niles: Why do you have to make everything so difficult? Frasier: Excuse me Niles, but I have news for you. Copernicus called and you are not the center of the universe! Martin: Alright, you two knock it off! Niles: Let's just settle this now. [whispering and motioning to Frasier] Sit down. Dad, make your decision. [Frasier sits down.] Martin: You know, I'm really disappointed in you guys. I thought that if I gave you a little time, you'd be mature enough to work this out on your own. Frasier: Well you were wrong! Martin: Alright, you know what? I just made my decision. I'm working Christmas. Jimmy Daily asked me to take his shift and I'm gonna do it because he'll be happier with his family than I am with mine. [Martin grabs his hat and new thermos and they all stand up.] Frasier: Oh, dad, you can't be serious? Martin: It's too late! [people start to look, walks towards door] And you don't have to drive me to work, I can call a cab. I hope you're happy! You've ruined Christmas! [Roz gives an "uh-oh" look, the cafe falls silent for a few seconds before people start shouting insults. Frasier turns back to Niles.] Waiter: [at counter] Not nice. [We fade out] [End of Act I] [Act II] [Scene 1 - Martin's Office. Niles and Frasier enter and Martin is at the desk.] Frasier: Dad, uh, Niles and I would like to apologize. It was untoward of us to... to argue of where to have Christmas. Niles: Our conduct was... was self-absorbed and boorish. Not that we deserve it, but please accept our apologies. Martin: Apologies accepted. Frasier: Uh, thank you dad. So you'll have Christmas with us? Martin: Oh, I'm afraid I can't. I promised Jimmy that I'd work, and I can't go back on it. [An elevator "dings" and an officer comes out.] Frasier: When do you start? Martin: Six A.M., twelve-hour shift. It's double time, so I'm not complaining. Niles: No, that's the whole day. [Martin shrugs his shoulders at them as his supervisor comes over to them.] Supervisor: Marty, I need you to let maintenance into the electrical closet on seven. Martin: Will do. See you boys later. [Martin leaves as the officer takes his place.] Frasier: Bye, dad. Niles: Wow. [sighs] Christmas without dad. This just won't be... Christmas. [As they talk the officer behind them eavesdrops on their conversation.] Frasier: I know. He's always the first one under the tree. Mom always said that he was the biggest kid, because he could never wait to open his presents. Niles: Ha, ha. [sighs] He always puts on a brave face, but I know he especially misses mom on Christmas. [Niles walks over to the door to leave, but Frasier stops him.] Frasier: Niles. Where is it written that we have to have Christmas at either of our homes? Niles: The Thanksgiving Accord of 2002. Frasier: No, no. What I am saying... is dad has to work. Why can't we bring the holiday to him? Niles: You mean just show up and surprise him? I like that. We can bring all our gifts and, and food. Frasier: Oh, better yet. What if the gifts were already here? Niles: But... [looks confused] Frasier: Okay, here's what I'm thinking. [They both walk over to the tree that is next to the door, looking down at the presents as they make their plan.] Frasier: We take the gifts that are here and put them under the tree at my house. Get the real gifts and bring them here, all unbeknownst to dad. Niles: Brilliant. Frasier: Can't you just see us casually stopping by on Christmas morning? "Hello, dad. Merry Christmas, oh it's just a shame that you had to spend Chri- Hello? What's this I spy? A present for Martin?" Niles: [imitating Martin] "That's not for me, those are fake." Frasier: Well, here's another one. One for Niles. And one for Daphne. Niles: Oh, geez it's a miracle. Frasier: Oh, Niles. It'll be the best Christmas we've ever had! Niles: [looks at hand] Look I'm getting goose bumps! Frasier: [laughs then stops] Oh no, Niles that's your pine rash, you're too close to the tree. [As they leave Niles scratches his ear.] [Scene 2 - Cafe Nervosa. Roz and Daphne are sitting at a table. Rick is at the counter he turns around and notices Roz.] Rick: Hey! Hi, Roz. [Roz doesn't recognize him.] Rick: [continued] It, it's me, Rick. Roz: Oh my God, Rick, I didn't even recognize you. Rick: Ah, Roz and I volunteer down at the mall together. Roz: Rick plays Santa. Daphne, this is Rick - Rick, Daphne. Daphne: Oh, Roz has told me all about you. Would you like to join us? Rick: I'd love to, but I have to get back to my day job. Daphne: Oh, what do you do? Rick: I'm an investment banker. Could you excuse me for just one second? [He goes back to counter.] Daphne: Wow, Roz! You never told me he was so gorgeous. Roz: Oh, I've never seen him out of his costume, before. Daphne: He's successful and he's got great taste. Those shoes... Enrico Zangleones. [Roz looks surprised.] Daphne: [continued] Niles is teaching me. [Rick comes back with a to-go cup.] Rick: It's very nice meeting you, Daphne. [she smiles and nods] I'll see you tonight, Roz? Maybe we could take our break together. I stuck a bottle of schnapps in my locker. Roz: [doesn't seem excited] Yeah, maybe. Rick: Is something wrong? You don't like schnapps? Roz: No! No, it's just so strange to see you without your beard. You really should grow one. It would make your eyes twinkle. Rick: Eh, I tried once. Kinda came in... tough. I looked like a dog on Rogaine. [They all laugh. Rick's laugh is horrible.] Roz: What was that? Rick: I-I laughed. Roz: That's your laugh? Rick: Yeah. Roz: Wow, at the mall it's so booming. Rick: I--I know, I hate that. It really kills my throat. [turns to Daphne] Very nice to meet you. Daphne: Bye, Bye. Rick: [turns to Roz] I'll see you later. Roz: Bye. [He leaves.] Daphne: Why are you being so weird? He seems perfect. [glances out the window] Roz: I'd don't know, just wasn't what I was expecting. Something missing. Daphne: Like what? Roz: I don't know. Well, at the mall he has all this warmth and he's got this jolly sense of humor. Oh, you should see him when he laughs, his whole stomach shakes. Daphne: Oh, my God. You're in love with Santa Claus. [she giggles] Roz: [leans in] No, I'm not. Daphne: Well, it makes sense when you think about it. Santa's the perfect man. He's a good listener, he likes to travel, he gives great presents. [giggles again] Roz: Give me a break. Daphne: Admit it. You want the jelly belly. [giggles] Roz: Okay, don't be gross. [She grabs her purse from the floor and sets it on the table.] Daphne: You want to bang-boots with the big boy. [She laughs as Roz gets up from her chair and grabs her coat from it.] Roz: [puts her coat on] I have to get to work. Daphne: [gets up from chair] You want to get your paws on the Claus is more like it. [Daphne grabs her coat and purse] Roz: Stop it, Daphne! That's enough! [she exits] Daphne: [walks after her] One more: you're a Ho, Ho, Ho. [We fade out] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene 3 - Frasier's apartment. Eddie is on the floor next to Martin's chair drinking eggnog out of a punch bowl. He is wearing a plaid outfit. The camera pans up and we see Martin sitting in his chair drinking out of a punch glass. He finishes and sighs. Frasier enters from his room.] Frasier: Dad! [grabs coat from hook] What are you doing still sitting there? [walks over behind the couch] I told you ten minutes ago that we were going out for Christmas Eve ice cream. Martin: Oh, I changed my mind. Eddie and I are too bloated from the nog. Frasier: Well, then maybe we should, uh, take Eddie and uh, walk it off. Come on, mister! Let's go! [He walks over to the door and grabs his keys.] Martin: [gets his cane and walks to the kitchen] No, I'm gonna be up early for work. I sure could use somethin' to nibble on, though. [We see the front door starting to open slowly. Niles and Daphne are in the hallway with an armload of presents they are trying to get in.] Frasier: No, no, no, no. [pushes them back into the hall] Niles: Stop pushing. Stop pushing. [Frasier shuts the door.] Frasier: Listen. Dad's still here, I couldn't get rid of him. You'll have to come back in an hour. Niles: N--N-- No. We can't do that. The maintenance man in dad's building was so nervous about us taking these out of the lobby, I promised him we'd have our real gifts under his tree by ten o'clock. Frasier: Alright, what we need is a really good distraction. [thinks for a moment] I'll tell you what. Knock when you think of one. [He goes back into the apartment and shuts the door. Martin comes back into the kitchen with a bowl.] Martin: What were you doing out there? Frasier: Nothing. Thought I heard the door knock. [The second he finishes saying this, the door knocks. Frasier jumps.] Martin: Hey, that's pretty good. [Frasier opens the door and Niles and Daphne come in, with no gifts.] Frasier: Oh, hello guys. Dad, look who it is. It's Niles and Daphne. Martin: I see 'em. Frasier: So, what brings you two here? Niles: Good question, Frasier. Daphne? Daphne: I need your father's help with a present, and that's what we're doing here. Niles: Exactly, yes. Daphne: [goes over to tree and picks up a present] Come on Martin, we can do this in my old room. Martin: No, problem. [He follows her.] Niles: Okay, now! [he goes over to grab some presents] Real presents go out in the hall by the door, fake presents under the tree. [Niles takes the presents into the hallway.] Frasier: Niles, did you notice my Christmas village? Would you like to see smoke waft out of the cobbler's chimney? Niles: [places gifts next to the elevator] Uh, maybe later. [grabs presents from the pile next to the apartment door and brings them in] Frasier, I have to warn you. These prop boxes are heavy - some idiot weighed them down with bricks. [He passes Frasier who has a pile of presents.] Frasier: [takes his presents into the hall] Just with our luck, we get the only lobby decorator in all of Seattle. [He places his presents next to the apt. door and grabs the ones that Niles had just placed next to the elevator. He brings those into the apartment and passes Niles.] Frasier: How much time do you think Daphne can buy over dad? Niles: Not much. [stops at door] They're just putting batteries in the digital camera that we're giving you. [gives an "oops" look, then he does his famous grin] Act surprised. [goes into the hall] Frasier: Right! [places his presents by the tree] [Daphne yells as she comes into living room with Martin following.] Daphne: I said I'd get them!! Martin: Oh, you'll never find them. How could you ask me to put batteries in when you didn't bring any batteries? [Niles enters with an armload of presents as he sees Martin] Now, boys, you know the rules. No shaking the presents. Frasier: You see Niles, I told you. [Niles pretends to shake the gifts. Daphne comes out of the kitchen.] Daphne: I found them. Let's go. [Martin and her head back, but Frasier stops her.] Frasier: [whispering] Daphne! No more surprises. Daphne: Oh, you mean like finding your father here, when the apartment's supposed to be empty?! [goes back to the bedroom] Frasier: Well, you can blame that on the nog!! [Niles places presents under the tree as he picks up a new pile.] Niles: [places them in the hall near the elevator] Frasier, [grunts and picks up a pile next to the apt. door] I think I'm going to sleep tonight, I feel like I'm ten years old. [Frasier takes presents to hall, Niles looks at him funny, like he notices that Frasier has the wrong gifts.] Frasier: Yes. Only this time we have the merry chance of playing Santa. [Frasier laughs as he puts his presents with the ones next to the elevator and picks up a new pile that is next to the apt. door.] Frasier: Niles, I'm so sorry that we almost ruined Christmas with our arguing. [Niles passes Frasier with a pile of presents. He then looks at the presents that Frasier has and stops walking.] Niles: Stop! Frasier: What? Niles: I just took that from under the tree. Frasier: No, you didn't. Niles: Yes, I did. I know, 'cause that's real and fake ones are in a pile by the door. Frasier: The elevator door? Niles: No, the apartment one! That's where all the fake ones are! Frasier: Great. Now what do we do? Niles: Well here, alright, you take these. Frasier: Yes. Niles: I take those. [They mumble words as they go in the wrong directions.] Frasier: What are we... Niles: Where do we go? Frasier: How the hell should I know? [Martin starts talking as Niles and Frasier put both piles under the tree.] Martin: That's a flat head and I need a Phillips head. [Daphne follows.] Niles: [he motions Frasier to place the presents under the tree] See, I told you, if you rearrange them they look fuller. [Makes it look like he was arranging them] Frasier: Yes, yes, I see what you mean, Niles. It's all a matter of perspective. Martin: Wow, it looks like twice as many. Uh, put them back the way they were and show me how you did that. [he motions with his finger] Daphne: [comes out of the kitchen] Got the Philips. Let's go. [She motions for them to "move it along" while Martin heads back to the bedroom.] Niles: He could be an assassin in those slippers. Daphne: Are you two going to switch the presents? Or are you going to argue about whose Christmas village is bigger? [she heads to the bedroom] Frasier: [gasps as Niles picks up a pile of "real" presents from under the tree] I knew it! You didn't compliment mine, because you have one too. Niles: [turns around with presents in hand] I didn't compliment yours, because yours is so poorly laid out!! Frasier: Alright, alright. We don't have time for this, now which ones are which? Niles: Oh, oh! I have them all organized. Here, take those out. [hands Frasier the pile of gifts and gets some for himself to take out] Frasier: Are you sure? Niles: Yes, absolutely. These-these are the real ones. These go to dad, out in the hall and we'll take them together. [both go to the hall] Frasier: Fine. alright, alright. [starts to mumble] Niles: Fine, then here. [sets gifts down in the hall] Now we're all set. [takes gifts from Frasier] All the fake ones are under the tree. Frasier: Yes, now you put those in the elevator. I'll tell Daphne the coast is clear. [Frasier shuts the door. Daphne comes out of the bedroom with Martin following, sounding sorrowful.] Daphne: Do you have any idea how much I paid for that? Martin: Well, it's not my fault. Those little plastic hinges snap off if you look at them. Daphne: Now what am I supposed to give as a gift, now? Martin: Oh, stop cryin'. Just put a little duct tape on it and it'll be good as new. Daphne: [shouting] It was new! [goes to kitchen] Frasier: [runs to kitchen] Here Daphne, I'll help you find the tape. [Eddie is at the front door barking. Martin walks over to the coat rack.] Martin: What's the matter, boy? Too much eggnog, huh? [laughs] Okay. [yells to kitchen] Hey, Daph. Be sure and to use the silver duct tape, not the brown. The silver will match the camera- [goes over to the door] oop! - the present. I'm takin' Eddie for a walk. [Frasier runs out of kitchen to catch Martin.] Frasier: Wait, dad! I'll do that. You should just relax. Martin: No, that's alright. I need the fresh air. [opens door, we see Niles] Uh-oh. What's this, more presents? Is this why you were trying to keep me busy back there? Niles: [not sure of what to do] Yes. Martin: [laughs] Oh, ohh, why, you didn't need to do that. Bring 'em on in. Frasier, give your brother a hand. [Frasier goes into hall as Niles comes in with a pile of presents. They give each other looks.] Martin: [Frasier comes in with a pile] Mix them all up, so they'll look fuller. [Niles turns around at the tree to give Martin a look.] MERRY CHRISTMAS, STEVE! [Scene 4 - Frasier's Apartment, Christmas Morning. Fade in. Doorbell rings and Frasier opens the door to Niles and Daphne.] All Three: Merry Christmas! [Niles and Daphne come in. Frasier kisses Daphne on the cheek, Frasier then hugs Niles.] Niles: Hey. Hi. Frasier: Niles. So... how are you? Niles: Well, uh, tired and a little poorer. [Frasier sighs as he walks over to the coat rack] Had to bribe the maintenance man at dad's building to get him to stay late. Which reminds me, on your next show you have to give something called a Shout Out to a Steve Gomez. [he shrugs his shoulders] Frasier: [has coat in hand] Right. [walks to door] Daphne: [laughs] This is so exciting, I can't wait to see the look on your Father's face when we go over there and surprise him. [As they head out the door Martin comes out from the hall dressed in matching pj's and robe.] Martin: Merry Christmas! [Daphne, Niles and Frasier quickly turn towards him in shock.] Frasier: Dad, uh, what are you doing here? Niles: [looks at his watch] Yes, aren't you supposed to be at work? [laughs slightly] Martin: [walks down the steps] Oh, the boss called, I don't have to go in. Seems he was feeling guilty about me missing Christmas with my family. [picks up a present] Ooh, heavy. This must be a good one, [walks over to his chair and sits down] unless it's a book. Daphne: But, who's covering the desk? Martin: Nobody, she's shut down tight 'til tomorrow. Now, I have just enough patience to wait for the cocoa before I start tearing into these. [The others look horribly sad.] Niles: Um... dad? Martin: [sad ] Don't tell me there's no cocoa. [Niles, Daphne and Frasier look at each other.] [Scene 4 - Martin's Office. Daphne, Niles, Martin and Frasier are standing at the entrance. Daphne is knocking at the glass doors.] Daphne: [Frasier taps on the door, too] Hello? Hello? Niles: You'd think there'd be a custodian or someone in there. Martin: Nah, I knew it'd be a long shot. There won't be anyone in 'til tomorrow morning. Frasier: Sorry, dad. Martin: Oh, forget it. It was a really sweet gesture. Would have been terrific, but... [He places a hand each on Niles and Frasier's shoulders. Daphne turns and smiles.] Frasier: [looks up, then back down] You know, we could throw a brick through the glass, but they're all wrapped up under our tree. [they all smirk] [We fade out] End Credits: The family is sitting around the Christmas tree at the office. Martin hands Daphne a big red box, she lifts the lid and pulls out a pink robe, while Frasier, who is next to her opening a gift and finds the digital camera with duct tape on in. Someone passes Daphne, Niles and Frasier say "hello" and the camera pans up and we see a few more people pass. (It is the next morning) Martin gets up and takes off the robe that he has on and Niles looks at his watch. Martin then goes over to the front desk. The rest of the family stay and Niles picks up another gift.
Plan: A: a festive mood; Q: What is everyone in when Christmas is approaching? A: Roz; Q: Who is working at the Mall as Snowflake? A: her eye; Q: What does Roz have on Santa? A: ( Dean Cain; Q: Who is Santa? A: a cruise; Q: Where did Mrs. Moon go? A: Frasier; Q: Who had already been making plans for a family celebration at his apartment? A: Martin; Q: Who decides to work over Christmas? A: their place; Q: Where do Niles and Daphne invite Frasier and Martin to for Christmas? A: extensive plans; Q: What did Frasier make for a family celebration at his apartment? A: his apartment; Q: Where did Frasier plan to celebrate Christmas with his family? A: patience; Q: What does Martin lose when he is arguing with his brothers? A: the idea; Q: What did Martin hate about spending Christmas without his family? A: their father; Q: Who do Frasier and Niles want to surprise for Christmas? A: A mix-up; Q: What happens to the presents that leads to the family being locked out of the building? A: last-minute; Q: What type of schedule change leaves the entire family locked out of the building where Martin works? Summary: Christmas is approaching, and everyone is in a festive mood. Roz is working at the Mall as "Snowflake", one of Santa's elves, and actually has her eye on Santa ( Dean Cain ) himself, even though she has yet to see him without the costume. Meanwhile, having dispatched Mrs. Moon on a cruise , Niles and Daphne invite Frasier and Martin to their place for Christmas. However, Frasier had already been making extensive plans for a family celebration at his apartment, and this leads to an argument between the brothers. Martin eventually loses patience with them and decides to work over Christmas. Hating the idea of spending Christmas without their father, Frasier and Niles apologize and organise a surprise for him, but not everything goes according to plan. A mix-up with the presents and a last-minute schedule change leaves the entire family locked out of the building where Martin works, staring in at the presents Frasier and Niles put around its Christmas tree.
[This episode begins with a long line of customers outside Babylon waiting to get in. Justin walks up.] Bouncer: Good evening, Mr.Taylor. [It's a packed house inside. Emmett is on the catwalk.] Man#1: God, the queer guy. Man#2: You can make me, anytime you want top to bottom. Or bottom to top. Emmett: I'll keep that in mind. Justin: [comes up] Your Mr.Popular. Emmett: Oh, I'm only a television star who doomed. You're looking for the other Mr.Popular? Justin: He says, he has a surprise for me. Emmett: Didn't he has time to waste until your eyes to be surprised. His majesty is in his new "V.I.P. Lounge" - but invitation only. Security Guard: Welcome, Mr.Taylor. [Justin walks in - Brian waits for him.] Brian: How do you like what I'm done with this place? Justin: As usually your taste is incredible. Brian: Some people might say that Babylon does not longer serves any purpose, but I find think it has some 101 uses. [He nods to a few guys in the backroom and they start undressing Justin, going down on him as Brian and Justin kiss.] Brian: Maybe even 102. [Multiple clips of baby J.R. getting passed around between her three parents. Going from one to the other to the other & back to another, etc. The baby is happy and smiling at first but after a few dozen hand offs she is cranky and crying. Cut to the Novotny-Bruckners out for a walk. Michael is pushing J.R. in her stroller, Ben is walking beside him and Hunter is on his bike behind them.] Ben: So pal, your coming home after school? Hunter: No, I though I join this circus to survive. Michael: Smart ass. Hunter: Where the hell should I gone? Now that I'm politely even kicked out of the swim team. Michael: Aren't they have other extra school activities you participated? Hunter: You mean where I'm not been in danger the other? Hey, there is chess club, although when I got cut... Michael: Would you cut it out? Hunter: No, why aren't you with your helpful suggestions... Ben: Hey, ok you two... Michael: Well, all I'm saying is you were pissed or bitter and you can forget about it and move on. [Brian drives up.] Brian: Welcome to my two dads. Hey champ. Hunter: f*ck you. Brian: If you weren't straight you doesn't agree with the lad. Ben: I had class. Brian: I'll give you a rid, professor? Ben: No thanks, I'll grab a bus. [Brian gets out of his car, walking over to Michael. He speaks to the baby.] Brian: Guutschi-guutschi. Or if you prefer Prada-prada. Where were you? Michael: Huh? Brian: I'll missed you last week in Babylon. Michael: Oh right. Brian: All your favourite superheros were there. Flying around, f*cking around... Michael: I'll was flying around myself. Brian: Well, when you and Ben aren't brest feeding you should drop by. [Debbie's house. Debbie getting roses from Loretta.] Debbie: These are f*cking beautiful! Loretta: And I made you fudge. Three kinds - chocolate, butter scotch and rocky coat. Debbie: Jesus, what to do that I deserve all this? Loretta: Yes, you deserve everything. [Emmett comes down the stairs.] Emmett: Somebody wins a beauty contest? Debbie: Yeah, Miss Fat Ass 2005. Loretta: You are not fat! You're beautiful. Emmett: The ladies right beside the bouquet doesn't fit anymore, so stop wearing it. Debbie: Thank you, Mr.Queer Eye for the fashion tip. Loretta: Well, I... better get back to work. Debbie: You take care. Thanks again for all the goodies. [Debbie hugs Loretta. Then Loretta leaves without a word.] Debbie: You care for some? Loretta just made it for me. Emmett: Oh, how sweet(!) [he taste one.] So is this. Debbie: It's an expression of affection, not a baker. Emmett: Yeah well if the sugar tensive any indication, she's more than sweet on you. Debbie: What the f*ck are you talking about? Emmett: As obvious like the collor of your... eyes... You know the roses, the candy, the way she stares at you... don't tell me you couldn't see it. Debbie: She's an friend of me. This is her way to thank you me for all I did for her. Emmett: Trust me, it's more than that - much more. She's fallin' in love with you. Debbie: That's impossible - I'm a happily married woman. I like dick. Emmett: You don't have to tell me. You and Carl are goin' out every night. You don't hold back, do you? Debbie: It's no point doin' some instead with a half ass. So what am I gonna do? Emmett: Well, first you put those rose in some water, then you freeze the fudge, than you gonna explain to her as gently but nicely as you can, why it could never be. Debbie: Listen Loretta, I can't even imagine divin' into a muff. Emmett: Something like that. Anywise like true lesbian, she'll be unpacking and offroad Vihicle and moving in. [Brian with his pants down and a guy kneeling in front of him. No it's not what you've think - gee, as if it gets only around one thing. He's at a doctor.] Doc: OK, you pull your pants on. Brian: What a refresh reverse of the usual act. Doc: So, when it is first appear? Brian: About 4 days ago. Doc: Any idea how you got it? Brian: Probably from pulling to hard. Doc: No oblist, Brian. It's look like you have cases of syphilis. Brian: Syphilis? That's so 80s, 88s. Doc: Not anymore - it's once again over age especially in the gay community. Pull off your sleeve, please. Think you can know from whom you have it? Make a fist. Brian: I'm not the type for the kinky stuff. Doc: I'll confirm it with the blood test - just to make sure. Brian: Then what? Doc: Then we give you a penicillin shot, let you clear it up. However, you have to lay off s*x for couple of days. Brian: Couple of days!? Doc: I realise that for you it is the hell of the time. But I have a good faith. Oh and one more thing. You need to inform every one you have sexual contact have with, so we can tested. Brian: Had we but world enough and time. [Hunter at school were he is an outcast, subject to all the stares and whispers and gossip. In class, when he sits down in a desk, the boy next to him gets up and moves. Callie comes in, sits in front of him.] Callie: Do you have a pen? I lost mine. Hunter: Are you trying to be nice? Callie: Yes. Hunter: Well, don't bother. Callie: Fine, if you glad to sit by yourself. Hunter: Your the only person who knew about me. The only one. And know the whole school know about me. Gee, I wonder if that happen. Callie: I didn't tell anyone. I'll would never do that to you. Hunter: Then how they found out? Callie: My parents? You told them yourself, remember? When you hit the pool... they called to the other parents. They told their kids, they told their friends... first time your famous. Hunter: Yeah, I'm a cock sucking superstar. Except I don't see them asking me for an autograph. Callie: My folks are assholes for what they do - I've said I'll never forgive them. And I won't. Now, can I borrow a pen? [He give her a pen.] [Ted with dramatic opera music playing, sitting alone in the dark with a big hat on, pulled down over his face so no one can see him. Emmett stops by.] Emmett: Teddy? Ted: Don't turn on the light! Emmett: Where the f*ck are you? Ted: Well, I'll here for all the eternity - at the sofa. [Emmett turns on the light and turns off the music.] Ted: I'll ask you not to turn on the light! Emmett: How am I supposed to see you? Ted: That's the point! Emmett: Still puffy? Ted: Puffy? Yeah, I'll be thrilled about puffy, I'll overjoy the swollen. Compare to me the alpha man is the supermodel! Emmett: Allright, you always cranky before you eat. C'mon, we'll grab some dinner. Ted: With me? Go on public like this!? What I've done to myself? Emmett: You had cosmetic surgury. Everyone who had it goes through this. Onces it's healed you'll be have a fabulous face. Ted: I don't want a fabulous new face, I want my not so fabulous old face. Emmett: You don't mean that. Ted: It's the worst mistake I'll ever made. What makes worser is... why am I want beautiful? I want some beautiful - is that so much to ask? Instead I'm condammed and spend my remain days in the shadow - lke the phantom of Pittsburghs opera. [He turns the light off and the music on. Emmett sights.] [Mel and Lindz going over their bills.] Mel: Luggage, condo... Lindsay: What's this $12,000? Mel: Oh, the water heater broke again and the plumper says he can't repaired and must be replaced. Lindsay: Did you get any checks? Mel: There was no time. Here is the premium for the car insureance. Lindsay: Wait, wait a minute. Why should I have to pay for a water heater consider I don't live here. Mel: But your children do and I'll pay for the half of your appartment and I don't live there either. Lindsay: I still don't think it's fair. You don't even consult me and expect me to pay? Mel: OK, I tell you what. Why I don't take down at the river and wash there and put the cloth against the rocks? Lindsay: You always have a smart answer. Mel: Well the stupid answer would be fun - you don't have to pay. Lindsay: I'm stretch to the limits and can't find something else to live. Mel: Any bride ideas? Lindsay: Go back to work. Mel: Go back to... Oh, when you had Gus I'm insure that you've comfortable as possible so you can stay home with him. Lindsay: That was a complete different circumstances. Mel: Oh, how's that? Lindsay: We were still living together. And we'll still loved each other. I'll pay for everything else but not the heater. [She leaves.] [Justin cooking at the loft when Brian comes out of the shower. Brian taste tests his food.] Justin: Taste this. Brian: That's specifically good. It's charming your such a good cook. Justin: Well, Michael gave me this. Brian: What's next? Mates? Justin: I love home-cooking. It makes me feel home. I'll make you feel good when someone cook for you. But home-cook meal is so appetising you are welcome to order yourself thai food if you love this weed. Brian: [he whispers in Justin's ear] I love your cream sauce. Justin: This is for desert. Brian: A penicillin tart with seasonal berries. Justin: What? Brian: I said, a penicillin tart with seasonal berries. I have syphilis. Justin: Syphilis? Brian: It's not a big deal. Justin: It's not a big deal? It could cause heart abnormilties, mental disorders, blindness... Brian: Thank you for the public announcement, Dr.Taylor but the patient are already threat it and cured. All I have to do now is all my brains out for the next 48 hours, make that 42. By the way, you should you give self tested. Justin: Did you f*ck someone without a condom? Brian: No. Never. Word of honor. Justin: Then how did you...? Brian: It must have been someone who suck me off. Justin: It surprising it happened sooner consider where your dicks been. Brian: Excuse me, but you haven't exactly be a saint yourself. In fact, I might have even gotten from you. When's diner? [Michael, Ben and Hunter having dinner. Mel has called.] Michael: [to the phone] Yes, she ate. No, she's not colicy. Yes, she's sleeping like a baby. Look Mel, I got to go. Yes, I promise. If there is a problem, I'll call. [he hangs up.] Christ, she called every 5 minutes. Ben: She's her mother. Michael: She's a f*cking control freak, that's she is. Hunter: Can I excuse? Michael: You don't need anything - eat! Ben: [to Michael] No control freaks here. Are you ok? Hunter: Awesome. Ben: Look, your principal called... Hunter: I didn't do anything. Michael: We know. Ben: He wants us to come to a meeting with some of the other parents. Hunter: About what? Michael: About what happened in the swim meeting. Hunter: f*ck! Ben: Wait, hold on. It's not necessarily a bad thing. Hunter: And how you figured that out? Ben: If we'll help the official, answer questions and hopefully help you what you going through. Hunter: Like anyone gives a sh1t what I'm going through. I'm coming too. Michael: It's for parents. Hunter: It's about me, isn't it? So I have a right to be there. [Ted and Emmett at a lesbian bar.] Ted: This is a dyke bar! How can you bring me to a dyke bar!? Emmett: In commit to your out-of-town tryout. And nobody can f*ck you here, right? So it doesn't matter how you look like, or what everybody thinks. Ted: Yeah, you right. No-one knows me here, so I'm safe. I'm annonymus. Debbie: TEDDY! Hi, Em. Ted: Mother of Christ! Debbie: No honey, just of Michael. What do boys doin' here? Don't tell me you want to taste snatch. Emmett: I could ask you the same thing. Debbie: I'm taking your suggestion. [She looks over to Loretta.] Emmett: Uh,... I hope the fish bite. Woman#1: [to Ted] You look pretty beat up, baby. Do a man do that to you? Ted: Huh!? Woman#1: Too bad I wasn't around to protect you. But don't you worry, kid. When the swallow goes down and when it does you gonna be just as pretty as ever. [She slaps him on the ass and goes away.] Ted: That "person"... thinks I'm a lesbian! What have I done to myself? I'm goin home and I never coming back out! Emmett: [to the woman] She just hasn't been herself since the hot flashes. [Cut to Loretta and Debbie's table.] Debbie: A great place here, didn't you say? Loretta: I suppose. I'm really glad you ask me out, Deb. Debbie: What with her? Loretta: She's... Debbie: Handsome? Loretta: I was hoping we could spend some time togther - just the two of us. Debbie: What about her? I bet she love a good hand - to buy a beer. Loretta: I hope someone does. Debbie: Loretta, honey, isn't here someone in this place who take those of your fantasy? Loretta: There is. [She's taking Debb's hand.] Buy a beer? [At the gym. Brian and Ben working out together.] Brian: I though it was the benefit of marriage, besides having have s*x with the same person for the rest of your natural born life, is to be able to let yourself go. Ben: I'm sure you'll be please to know that Michael and I still looking good to each other. Brian: You still look? Ben: Not everyone would considers marriage and monogamy as a death sentence. For some of us there is simply a part of growing up. Brian: You mean giving up. It's surrendering to the straight world's conception what it needs to be a man. Ben: We can't be a Peter Pan forever. Brian: You can try. Ben: These days I prefer spending times in the family room than the backroom. Brian: As opposed to 'those days' of getting gang banged in the orgy room of the Liberty Baths. Ben: Liberty is to remember. Brian: How can you forget now that you have the HIV and oh-so-PC. But I stopped Michael from becoming one of them, Stepford Fags but at least I save Justin from a fate worse than being heterosexual, and that's being an imitation heterosexual. Ben: And what's that? [A hottie cruises Brian.] Brian: Limitation. Ben: Aren't you gonna go after him? Brian: I'd loved to, professor, but I still have the 24 hours until that syphilis clears up. [At Ben and Michael's home.] Michael: [to Daphne and Justin] I'm sure we're here when she wakes up. Ben: So give the baby phone to you and feel yourself at home. Daphne: Thanks. Michael: You have my cell phone number - just in case. Ben: Have fun you two. Michael: Thanks again. [Michael and Ben leaves.] Daphne: Oh my god, she's so cute. Justin: She's twice as grown since I last saw her. Daphne: Have you thoughed yourself of having one? Justin: Sometimes. Daphne: So, what's stopping you? Justin: I'm sorry, did I forget to mention who I lives with? Daphne: Did you ask him? Justin: He won't even get a puppy. Do you have any idea how much that would cost? Anyway now is not the time for life-altering discussion. At least not until his syphilis clears up. [Daphne looks shocked to Justin.] [SCENE_BREAK] [School meeting.] Principal: I know last week's big accident during the swim meeting raised a lot of concern for your children's health and safety. That's why I'm invited Dr.Judith Davidson from the Pittsburgh's AIDS profect to speak with us this evening and answer any questions you might have. Dr.Davidson. Dr.Davidson: Thank you. Unfortunately there is a great deal of still deal of alleviate. So I welcome the opportunity to not only inform you about the fact, but to hopefully alleviate some of your fears. First of, let me assure you that the risk of HIV transmission from Hunter's injury in the pool is next to impossible. In fact, it'll require a direct blood to blood contact for there to be any significant exposure. Callie's father: That's comforting to hear that doctor, but that's not the only thing he exposing our children to. The kid is a hustler, a male prostitute. Michael: Hold on! Callie's father: Do you mind if I finish? Ben: As a matter of fact we do. Callie's father: I am sure that I speak for everyone here when I say, we don't want our kids around someone with his backround. Ben: You don't even know a damn thing about his backround how he was abused by his mother, how he do escape from series of foster homes, literally sleep in the street... Michael: And how he regain his health that he can catch a school. Father#2: What is this? A plot to a Dickens' novel? Ben: You children lead privileged lives, how dare they laugh at my son's misfortune!? Hunter: It's ok, Ben. I'm glad I came here tonight because I'm learning something too. Now I know how the kids got to be the way they are - from you. [Justin and Daphne watching TV.] Daphne: I don't know how you can so casual about it. I'd freak out. Justin: I do that first but my test came back negative so I guess everything is ok. Daphne: Next time you're not so lucky. Justin: I'll promised that I will be safe. Daphne: I wish you can be more than safe. I wish you two would... Justin: Settle down. Get married. Be monogamous? It's never gonna be happen. [They hear the baby crying over the monitor.] Daphne: Oh my god, she's burning up. Justin: I'll better call Michael. [he tries] f*ck! Just his voice mail. [He dials someone else.] [The parents leaving the meeting.] Principal: This was supposed to a formal meeting not a fighting ground. Please accept my apologizes and know that not everyone feels that way. Ben: Oh, it's not your fault, but thanks for saying that. Principal: However, we have a much bigger problem than I thought. To tonights reaction, you might sending Hunter to another school. Hunter: I'm not leaving. Michael: We should at least consider. Hunter: They can call me whatever they want, I don't care. You're not chased me off. [Mel in the E.R. with the crying baby. Lindsay comes in.] Lindsay: I come as soon as I could. Mel: Where is Gus? Lindsay: Thank god Dusty is take him. How's she? Mel: Oh, ear ache and fever. Lindsay: Have you waiting a while? Mel: An hour, at least! They see siting there with a screaming infint and decent... Michael: We just get the message. Mel: Yeah and where are you? At babylon? Michael: f*ck you! Ben: Hey! Easy, easy. We're was in Hunter's school, there was a problem. Mel: Yeah, I'll see there is a problem. Lindsay: She's been waiting over an hour. There must be someone who talk to. Mel: How could you leave her like that? After all the crap you put us through? It's unforgivable. Michael: She's was with Justin. Mel: Yeah, how do they know? Ben: Enough to call you. Mel: You have no saying this, so butt out! Ben: Excuse me? Michael: Don't talk to him like that! We have another kid who need our attention! Mel: I don't care about your other kid right now, I care about this one, my daughter who have happens to be in a lot of pain. Lindsay: I'll find some nurse. Mel: All I know is at the minute you have her, you take off. I went to my lawyer about this because this time there is no settling. We're gonna go to court and I'll make sure that you loose custody. Michael: You just try! Nurse: The doctor want to see your daughter now. Mel: It was about f*cking time! Nurse: I'm sorry, but only one parent can go. Mel: Oh, I'm goin'. I'm the mother. Michael: I'm goin. I'm her father. Mel: Yeah, some father. Michael: You say that one more time! Lindsay: I'm goin'. You two can nuke it out but my daughter need some other attention. [Babylon. At the bar.] Brian: Why? You solo? Emmett: Well, not everyone is like you - in a non-relationship. Brian: Where is Pittsburgh very own extrem make over? Emmett: Oh, I'll try to make him an appearence but tonigh with desasters threat. He saw a lesbian and went back in his hole for another six weeks. Brian: You can tell Theodore that he'd better get his ass back to work Monday or he's fired. Emmett: I'll be sure I'm giving him a message. Brian: Now if you excuse me, I have another urgent message to thrown apart. Emmett: Half price admittions for all bottoms? Brian: I have syphilis. Emmett: You have...? Brian: Do I know to repeat? Emmett: Well it certainly hasn't been your year dick-wise. Brian: It's my responsibilty to inform all my former partners so that they can tested. Emmett: Wouldn't a full page ads save your day? Brian: I'm always prefer the personal touch. [Brian tells one of his tricks about the syphilis. It's like a game of "Telephone" being played across the dancefloor. Brian tells his trick who tells the guys he's slept with that they might have been exposed, etc., etc., etc. Back at the bar.] Emmett: Fortunately for me I'm been spared the last trash. [One of his tricks comes over to him and tells him to get tested.] Ememtt: Until now. [Michael and Ben holding hands in the E.R. Mel sulking. Lindsay comes out with J.R.] Mel: Oh, how's she? Lindsay: She'll be fine, they gave her some baby medicine. It's need to repeat every 4 hours. And some from the other twice a day. Michael: I'll pick that at the front seat. Mel: OK, sweety, I'll take you home. Michael: I was just to say the same thing. Mel: Why should she go with you? Michael: Because it's still my time. Mel: I'll say you had enough time. Michael: We have an agreement. Mel: After you practically abandoned her? Lindsay: Would you two please calm down? Ben: I'll agree. Mel: The baby needs her mother. Michael: I'm just escapable of taking care of her. Mel: You'll proving that. Michael: Come with daddy. Mel: She's coming with me! Lindsay: Would you two stop!? I don't even think one of you give a damn about your daughter's welfare. All you concern about is who has ownership. Michael: That is not true! Mel: How can you say that? Lindsay: But I'm a part of it. Well no more. I'm out of this circus right now. Jenny Rebecca is all yours. I hope you will spend as much time thinking of her needs as you do about yours. [She leaves.] [At the diner, Rosie has made Debbie some heart-shaped Jello.] Loretta: Hearts. Debbie: You made it from a cherry jello. Loretta: And flower are addable penchus. Debbie: Not the first onces in here. You shouldn't do so much trouble. Loretta: Nothing is to much trouble for you, Deb. Hey, you wanna go back to that bar tonight? I'm off at 6. Debbie: It's not really my scene, if you know what I mean. Loretta: Yeah, to crowed and noisy, I understand. How do you know when we go to a quite little place, some... Debbie: Loretta, sit. Loretta: I'd love to, but I have a couple of pink plates coming up. Debbie: Betty can serve them that. Please sit. [she sits down.] Loretta, I'm truly flattered and honored that you like me. Loretta: I'm more than like you. Debbie: It's just that one little hitch. I'm not gay. Only god knows I had a lot of grieves but let's face it, honey, after hanging up those heroes these days but it's not real. Loretta: I don't think I was gay at first either. That's because I hadn't know the right person. Debbie: I have met the right person. His name is Carl Horvath. Loretta: I better pick up those... Debbie: Listen, please, listen. You don't really love me. Loretta: Why would not? You're wonderful. Debbie: I'll take the compliment. But you just think you do because for the first time in your life you find the expressing who really you. And I am thrilled for you. Truly I am. But you need someone who love you back. Someone you deserve. [Emmett back at Ted's, ready to make him get on with his life. He get some light.] Ted: Uh, what are you doin'!? Emmett: Let in some sunshine. Ted: Light is my enemy, dark is my only friend. Emmett: I'll remember that. Ted: What's all that? Emmett: Queer guy is about to working out his fairy magic. Ted: Let your fairy magic for your truckers. Emmett: First we need to get your hair to his natural color. Chocolate mouse or bottermind umbroe? Ted: What for? It's useless. A caterpilar is never a butterfly. I'm just an old memories who make fun of. The one who's trying to get young, and only fool to himself. Emmett: Teddy, no matter what you look like there will be only one person blinded by your beauty. And we got help the natur to get along. So let's crackin'. [Hunter getting more looks at school. He is walking with Callie.] Callie: My parents nearly sh1t. Hunter: They did? Callie: You called their a fashist hate monkers. You know what you do to a life lived democrats? Hunter: Sorry that I'll be angry them. Callie: Are you kitten? So they deserved it. I'm sorry that you have to go through that. I'm glad you decided to stay. Hunter: You are? [Hunter takes her hand.] So you do wanna go with me? We can go to a movie and got pizza. Or I could follow your father's car and drive to LA. [Callie sees another boy nearby and she quickly snatches her hand away from Hunter. The boy comes over and kisses her cheek.] Callie: Hey Matt. Matt: Hey. We want to the mall. You come? Callie: Sure. [Hunter is crushed. He looks on the verge of tears.] [Michael and Ben at Woody's. Michael got a call.] Michael: Sure, what a relief. Thanks for let me know. [he hang up.] That was Mel. She wanted to let me know tht our daughter is doin' fine. Ben: Ah, that's good news. Michael: And that I'm an asshole. Ben: What? She said that. Michael: No, I did. Ben: You decided you look for the best for Jenny-Rebecca's interest. Michael: Actually I was looking after mine. Instead of thinking what is right to the baby, or who she should be with, I was think about me. So, I decided Lindsay's right. Ben: By to give up custody? Michael: I would never do that. But I do think that JR needs to spend more time with the mother instead of passing her around. So we need to come up with a new arrangement. A one that's the best for her. Ben: I think it's very wise and a very loving decision. [They start to kiss and make out. Brian walks up then.] Brian: What kind of beaviour is that for a proper married couple? Michael: Inproper. Undignified. Ben: Hmm, fun. Brian: Since when have married people fun? Michael: You should trying sometimes. You might enjoy it. Emmett: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, he's here! He's here! Ben: Who's here? Emmett: OK, it's not that devine Ted, but I'm got him out of house. You should only know what it took. So, praise him and tell him he look fabulous. Got it? Brian: [practise] Ted, you look fabulous. Ted, you LOOK fabulous. Emmett: Here he is, here he is! [They turn to the door and a really hot guy walks in.] Brian: Oh my god, he really does look fabulous! Emmett: That's not Ted. That is. [Ted walks in.] Michael: Hey, you look 10 years younger. Ben: What a fantastic job. Brian: Ted, you look fabulous. Ted: You do? Emmett: What did I tell you? Ted: Well, drinks are on me. [Ted goes to the bartender.] Michael: [whispers] To tell the truth he doesn't look that different. Brian: I don't looked enough to know. Ben: Look him in the eyes. It's rusted... Emmett: It doesn't matter if he look any different. The point is that he thinks he does. He can look in the mirror now and see a new man. A men who had confidence and likes. That's all that matters. [Debbie in her red teddy racing down the stairs to answer the doorbell because she thinks it's Hovarth.] Debbie: Get ready baby, when you come through that door you got such a big... surprise. [It's Loretta.] Loretta: I think you weren't expecting me. Debbie: I was just doin' ironing. Come in. Loretta: I guess I carried away. It's the first time I was able to show another woman affection after I was slucked from Daryl. Debbie And girl you keep goin'. Loretta: I am. I'm leaving, Deb. The diner and Pittsburgh. Debbie: Just cause I said that I couldn't be your dreams didn't know you have to go. Loretta: I know, it's got nothing to do with you. It's me. When I see someone, something I like I get, you might call, fixated. It's kind the person that I am. I always been that way. Every since the shrimp. Debbie: The shrimp? Loretta: When I was a girl my folks used to take to Remond every sundsay night for the 895, kids half price. They had every kind of food you can imagine. I never loved anything but just the shrimp. When I keep goin' back for more, more and more my folks try to give me roast beef, try the chicken, try the striganov. I know what I like and I stuck through. I know if I stay here, I'm not able to move off. I just keep loving you. And this won't neither of us like. Debbie: I'm sure if you try the roadbeef, you like it. Loretta: [crying] It's ok. Debbie: sh1t! I should be here to comfort you. Loretta: You already have. I'm gonna be just fine [Lindsay at Mel's house.] Lindsay: Since you don't be coming to my apartment anymore - I thoughed you could use them. Mel: You're not doin' this because you don't wanna be Jenny's mother, are you? Lindsay: I'm doin' this because I didn't want to be a parent to the baby anymore. I'm doin' this what it's best for her, not me. Mel: Thank you. Lindsay: I hope you know that I never intended to get things so ugly. Mel: That's how divorces go especially with married children. Why should that been any different? Lindsay: Because we loved each other more. By the way that's from my share for the water heater. [Michael and Ben leaving Woody's.] Ben: Oh, Liberty Avenue. Michael: In all it's glory. Ben: Miss it? Michael: It's my life for a long time. Everwhere I look, I still see me. Walking down the street with Brian, hanging out with Emmett, Ted, cruising some hot guy, but I've moved on. Rather what I'm used to be I look forward what I get to be. [They kiss. As they pull apart, Michael is shocked to see Hunter hanging out on the street corner, smoking pot with his old hustler pals.] Michael: What's goin' on? Hunter: Re-connecting with old friends. Renewing social times. Want some? Michael: No, we do not! Ben: C'mon, let's go. Michael: It's school night>. Boy#1: Uh, school night. [he's laughing.] Hunter: I'm not goin' back! Ben: Hey, I told the principal that you not wanna leave. Hunter: Well, I'll changed my mind. I never should have been there where people thinking they are better than me. At least this guys accept my for who I am. Michael: Well, in case you forgotten so do we. Now, goin' home. [They lead him off as his hustler pals.] Boy#1: Be sure to doin' what your daddies says and collect up front. [Justin sitting on the couch at the loft drawing when Brian comes in. Justin turns the drawing over so Brian can't see it.] Brian: Hard at work? Justin: How was Babylon? Brian: Hard to play Justin: What are you doin' home so early, it's nearly 1:30. Brian: Because I forced celibacy is now over and I wanted you to be the first to know. Justin: I'm touched. Brian: You'll be a lot more than touched when I'm done with you. Justin: I have work to do. Brian: Do it in the morning. Justin: I'm doin' it now. How can you be so f*cking casual? You never get tired of it? Brian: To get tired of it would mean that it's becoming predictable, unsatisfying and boring, so is like our conversation is headed. Justin: Or it can mean I found something more satisfying and more meaningful. Brian: What would that be? [Justin doesn't reply, just looks at him.] Brian: I'm take a shower and then go to bed. Justin: OK, I have some work to finish. [Justin turns his drawing back over. It's a scene of J.T. asking Rage when will he ever stop f*cking everything that moves. Rage has sores on his face and the word bubble for his reply is empty. Justin writes the reply "Never" in the word bubble.]
Plan: A: Debbie; Q: Who tries to let Loretta down easy? A: Brian; Q: Who must refrain from sex after he contracts syphilis? A: Hunter; Q: Who has to deal with his classmates and their parents discovering how he got HIV? A: the aftermath; Q: What does Hunter have to deal with after his classmates and parents discover how he got HIV? A: Ted; Q: Who regrets having plastic surgery? A: Daphne; Q: Who does Justin discuss the possibility of Brian embracing domestic life with? A: impossibility; Q: What is the other word for the possibility of Brian embracing domestic life? A: Michael; Q: Who is forced to reevaluate his parenting arrangement when the fight over JR reaches a climax? A: JR; Q: What child is the source of Michael, Melanie, and Lindsey's fight? Summary: Debbie tries to let Loretta down easy. Brian must refrain from sex after he contracts syphilis. Hunter has to deal with the aftermath of his classmates and their parents discovering how he got HIV. Ted regrets having plastic surgery. Justin and Daphne discuss the possibility (or impossibility) of Brian embracing domestic life. Michael, Melanie, and Lindsey are forced to reevaluate their parenting arrangement when the fight over JR reaches its climax.
Michael: All right Jim. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library? Jim: Oh, I told you. I couldn't close it. So... Michael: So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, grasshopper? Jim: Actually, you called me in here, but yeah. Michael: All right. Well, let me show you how it's done. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [on the phone] Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manger. [quick cut scene] All right. Done deal. Thank you very much, sir. You're a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I'm sorry. OK. I'm sorry. My mistake. [hangs up] That was a woman I was talking to, so... She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so... [Clears throat] So that's the way it's done. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I've, uh, I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager. If you want to come through here... See we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see. This is our receptionist, Pam. Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beesly. Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam? Pam: Well. I don't know. Michael: If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago. [growls] Pam: What? Michael: Any messages? Pam: Uh, yeah. Just a fax. Michael: Oh! Pam, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you? There's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate. Pam: You haven't told me. Michael: It's called the wastepaper basket! Look at that! Look at that face. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: People say I am the best boss. They go, "God we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious." "And you get the best out of us." [shows the camera his WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [singing] Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump um pum [Imitates heavy drumming] I have no gifts for you. Pa rum pump um pum [Imitates heavy drumming] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: My job is to speak to clients on the phone about... uh, quantities and type of copier paper. You know, whether we can supply it to them. Whether they can pay for it. And... I'm boring myself just talking about this. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Whassup! Jim: Whassup! I still love that after seven years. Michael: Whassup! Dwight: Whassup! Michael: Whass...up! Dwight: Whassup. Michael: [Strains, grunts] What? Jim: Nothing. Michael: OK. All right. See you later. Jim: All right. Take care. Michael: Back to work. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: [on her cell phone] Just before lunch. That would be great. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Corporate really doesn't really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson Gould. [walking out of his office] Jan, hello. I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not. But, um... Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: Alright, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda? Michael: Um... Me no get an agenda. Jan: What? I'm sorry? Michael: I didn't get any agenda. Jan: Well, I faxed one over to you this morning. Michael: Really? I didn't... [looks at Pam] Did we get a fax this morning? Pam: Uh, yeah, the one... Michael: Why isn't it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't I get it? Pam: You put in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet. Michael: Yeah, that was a joke. That was a joke that was actually my brother's, and... It was supposed to be with bills and it doesn't work great with faxes. Jan: Do you want to look at mine? Michael: Yeah, yeah. Lovely. Thank you. Jan: OK. Since the last meeting, Ellen and the board have decided we can't justify a Scranton branch and a Stamford branch. Michael: OK... Jan: Michael, don't panic. Michael: No, no, no, no, this is good. This is good. This is fine. Excellent. Jan: No, no, no, Michael, listen OK. Don't panic. We haven't made... We haven't decided. Michael: All the alarm bells are kind of going... ringie-dingie-ding! Jan: I've spoken to Josh in Stamford. I've told him the same as you and it's up to either him or you to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other. Michael: OK. No problem. Jan: This does, however, mean that there is going to be downsizing. Michael: Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn't wish that on Josh's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Question. How long do we have to... [Telephone rings] Oh uh, Todd Packer, terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it? Jan: Go ahead. Michel: Packman. Todd Packer: Hey, you big queen. Michael: Oh, that's not appropriate. Todd Packer: Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today? Michael: Uh, I don't know what you mean. Todd Packer: I've been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes? Michael: Oh, my God! Oh! That's... horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person. Jan: So do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? I don't want to worry people unnecessarily. Michael: No, absolutely. Under this regime, it will not leave this office. [zips his lips] Like that. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: So what does downsizing actually mean? Stanley: Well... [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: You guys better update your resumes just like I'm doing. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: I bet it's gonna be me. Probably gonna be me. Kevin: Yeah, it'll be you. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I have an important question for you. Jim: Yes? Pam: Are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday? Jim: Yeah, stop. That is ridiculous. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey. Ryan: Hey. Pam: This is Mr. Scott. Michael: Guilty! Guilty as charged! Ryan: Ryan Howard from the temp agency. Daniqua sent me down to start today. Michael: Howard, like Moe Howard. Three Stooges. Ryan: Yup. Michael: Watch this. This is Moe. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. Mee! [hold hand up for a high five] Ah, right here. Three Stooges. Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. I'm sort of a student of comedy. Watch this. Here we go. [Yelling in cod German] I'm Hitler. Adolf Hitler. [Continues with cod German] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go because then I might... I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist. I like to do illustrations. Um... Mostly watercolor. A few oil pencil. Um, Jim thinks they're good. Pam: Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Sure. Mr. Davis, let me call you right back. Yeah, something just came up. Two minutes. Thank you very much. Dwight, what are you doing? Dwight: What? Jim: What are you doing? Dwight: Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate. Jim: It's not on your desk. Dwight: It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation. Dwight: You can't do that. Jim: Why not? Dwight: Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ. Jim: [crosses fingers] We'll see. [Dwight begins smashing pencils with his phone] This is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me. Dwight: Downsizing? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: You just still have these messages from yesterday. Michael: Relax. Everything's under control. Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's important. Right. Oh this is so important, I should run to answer it. [Imitating Six-Million Dollar Man sound effect] Pam: What? Michael: Come on. Six-Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan. I deserve a raise. Pam: Don't we all? Michael: I'm sorry? Pam: Nothing. Michael: If you're unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR. OK. Not today, OK? Pam, just be professional. [Sighs] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I think I'm a role model here. I think I garner people's respect. [Imitating a PA] Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees, please. We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope... Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's really beyond words. It's really incalculable. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Now I know there's some rumors out there and I just kind of want to set the record straight. Dwight: I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first. Michael: Assistant to the Regional Manager. Dwight: OK, um, can you just tell me please? Just tell me quietly. Can you whisper it in my ear? Michael: I'm about to tell everybody. I'm just about to tell everybody. Oscar: Can't you just tell us. Dwight: Please, OK? Do you want me to tell 'em? Michael: You don't know what it is. [Laughs] Dwight: OK. You tell 'em. With my permission. Permission granted. Michael: I don't need your permission. Dwight: Go ahead. Michael: Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: I heard they might be closing this branch down. That's just the rumor going around. This is my first day. I don't really know. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Yeah but Michael, what if they downsize here? Michael: Not gonna happen. Stanley: It could be out of your hands Michael. Michael: It won't be out of my hands Stanley, OK. I promise you that. Stanley: Can you promise that? Dwight: On his mother's grave. Michael: No. Phyllis: What? Michael: Well, yeah, it is a promise. And frankly, I'm a little insulted that you have to keep asking about it. Stanley: It's just that we need to know. Michael: I know. Hold on a second. I think Pam wanted to say something. Pam, you had a look that you wanted to ask a question just then. Pam: I was in the meeting with Jan and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe. Man: Are you sure about that? Michael: Well, Pam maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings. Dwight: Pam, information is power. Stanley: You can't say for sure whether it'll be us or them, can you? Michael: No, Stanley. No, you did not see me in there with her. I said if Corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they're gonna have to go through me. Right? You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he's on to me. Um... [Laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Watch out for this guy. Dwight Schrute in the building. This is Ryan, the new temp. Ryan: What's up? Nice to meet you. Michael: Introduce yourself. Be polite. Dwight: Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. Michael: Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, uh, Dwight tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything. Dwight: Uh... yeah I got a '78 280Z. Bought it for $1,200. Fixed it up. It's now worth three grand. Michael: That's his profit. Dwight: New engine, new suspension, I got a respray. I've got some photos. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Damn it! Jim! Michael: OK. Hold on, hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem here? Dwight: He put my stuff in Jell-O again. Pam: [Laughing] Dwight: That's real professional thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jim. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: It's OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That's sort of one of the rules. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: What is that? Dwight: That is my stapler. Michael: No, no, no. Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world [turns to camera] which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food. Dwight: OK you know what, you can be a witness. [points to Ryan] Can you reprimand him? Jim: How do you know it was me? Dwight: It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not? Michael: Discipline. Kinky! [Laughs] All right, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop. Dwight: Yeah. Michael: And yeah, Jim this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O. Jim: OK. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan. Michael: [Laughing] Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round. Ryan: You should've put him in custardy. Michael: Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores. Dwight: OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all. Michael: Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink? Pam: Yeah. Jim: That's why we're all going out. So we can have an end-of-the-week-drink. Pam: So when are we going out? Jim: Tonight, hopefully. Pam: OK. Yeah. Roy: Hey, man. Jim: What's going on? Roy: Hey, baby. Pam: Hey. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Roy's my fiance. We've been engaged about three years. We were supposed to get married in September but I think we're gonna get married in the spring. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys? Roy: No, no. Come on. Let's get out of here and go home. Pam: OK. I'm gonna be a few minutes. So it's only twenty past five. I still have to do my faxes. Jim: You know what? You should come with us. Because you know we're all going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office. I think it could be fun. Roy: It sounds good. Seriously, we've gotta get going. Jim: Yeah, yeah. Jim: Um... What's in the bag? Roy: Just tell her I'll talk to her later. Jim: No, definitely. All right, dude. Awesome. Will do. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding? [scratches head] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard. Right? I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third. [Knock at door] Just a second. Right? Oh, hey do you like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Punk'd and all that kind of stuff? Ryan: Yeah. Michael: You are gonna be my accomplice. Just go along with it, OK? Ryan: All right. Michael: Just follow my lead. Don't pimp me, all right? Come in. So, uh, Corporate just said that I don't want to... Pam: You got a fax. Michael: Oh, thank you. Pam, can you come in here for a sec. Just have a seat. I was gonna call you in anyway. You know Ryan. As you know, there is going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first. Pam: What? Why? Michael: Why? Well, theft and stealing. Pam: Stealing? What am I supposed to have stolen? Michael: Post-it Notes. Pam: Post-it Notes? What are those worth, 50 cents? Michael: 50 cents, yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-It Notes at 50 cents apiece, and you know, you've made a profit... margin. You're gonna run us out of business, Pam. Pam: Are you serious? Michael: Yeah. I am. Pam: I can't believe this. I mean I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip and you're firing me. Michael: But the best thing about it is that we're not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and... Just clean out your desk. I'm sorry. Michael: [Pam starts crying] You been X'd punk! [Laughing] Surprise! It's a joke. We were joking around. See? OK. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. And it was kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place. So you... God, we totally got you. Pam: You're a jerk. Michael: I don't know about that. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, "Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow. Wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Jim: How are things? Pam: Good. I thought you were going out for a drink with... Jim: Oh no, I just decided not to. How's your headache? Pam: It's better, thanks. Jim: Good. Good. Pam: Yeah. Jim: That's great Pam: Is...? Jim: Yeah? Pam: Um... Are you... Jim: Am I walking out? Pam: Yes. Jim: Yes, I... Do you want to... Pam: Yeah. Jim: Great. Let me just... Jim: [Car horn honking] Oh, Roy. Pam: Yeah. Listen, have a nice weekend. Jim: Yeah, definitely. You too. Enjoy it. [looks at camera] You know what, just come here.
Plan: A: A documentary crew; Q: Who arrives at the Scranton, Pennsylvania, offices of Dunder Mifflin to observe the employees? A: modern management; Q: What did the documentary crew learn about Dunder Mifflin? A: Regional manager Michael Scott; Q: Who is Steve Carell? A: a happy picture; Q: What does Michael Scott try to paint in the face of potential downsizing from corporate? A: Ryan Howard; Q: Who is the new employee of Dunder Mifflin? A: B. J. Novak; Q: Who plays Ryan Howard? A: a temporary worker; Q: What is Ryan Howard's job title? A: Jim Halpert; Q: Who is the salesman played by John Krasinski? A: Dwight Schrute; Q: Who is Rainn Wilson playing in the movie? A: the enjoyment; Q: What does receptionist Pam Beesly get out of Jim Halpert's antagonism of Dwight Schrute? A: Jenna Fischer; Q: Who plays Pam Beesly? Summary: A documentary crew arrives at the Scranton, Pennsylvania , offices of Dunder Mifflin to observe the employees and learn about modern management. Regional manager Michael Scott ( Steve Carell ) tries to paint a happy picture in the face of potential downsizing from corporate. The office also gets new employee Ryan Howard ( B. J. Novak ) as a temporary worker, while salesman Jim Halpert ( John Krasinski ) pranks and antagonizes fellow salesman Dwight Schrute ( Rainn Wilson ), much to the enjoyment of receptionist Pam Beesly ( Jenna Fischer ).
[The McGregor House] Mr. G: So, big night tonight, huh? My little girl, out dancing with boys. You're all grown up. Terri: Dad.... Mr. G: Oh, yeah. I can see it now. They'll be lining up for miles. Terri: Yeah, maybe in some alternate universe. Mr. G: What? What? Honey, wait. Terri: Dad, face it. I'm fat. Guys don't even notice me. Mr. G: Terri, you're not fat. That's ridiculous. Terri: No, Dad, it's true. Mr. G: Honey, you've gotta stop beating yourself up. You are beautiful. You're beautiful. Tonight you'll see. Terri: No I won't see 'cause I'm not going, 'cause no one's going to want to dance with a fat cow like me. Mr. G: Terri, come on, don't say that. Come on. (Terri leaves.) Theme song. [Degrassi] (Spinner is with friends. A younger kid comes up to them.) Spinner: Here you got something (hits the kid with his finger) Loser. Hey, Terri. Terri: Hey, Spinner. Spinner: Um, so is it okay if I borrow those geography notes? Terri: Yeah, I got 'em right here. (Opens up her bag + takes out a binder and gives it to Spinner) Spinner: Uh, thanks. I really appreciate this. So are you going to the dance tonight? Terri: Actually, I can't. It's my dad. He's kinda old. Spinner: Ok. (Ashley approaches. She has a box with her, which must be for the dance.) Ashley: Hey Terri! Spinner: Thanks again for these. Terri: See you. (Spinner leaves.) Ashley: Okay, I am beyond nervous. This has to go perfect. Amazing turnout. Zero problems. Otherwise, Raditch says it's daylight dancing for another year. [Inside Degrassi] (Paige is walking in the hall. She spots Spinner and approaches him.) Paige: Just the man I was looking for. Spinner: Hey, Paige. Paige: So, you ready to get down? Spinner: Huh? Paige: The dance. You are going? Spinner: Oh, uh, yeah. Paige: Well, you better save a dance for me. Spinner: Uh, sure. Whatever. Look, I gotta get to my locker. (Spinner leaves. Ashley and Terri come in and Paige joins them) Ashley: So, what was with the Spinner/Terri convention I interrupted? Terri: Nothing. I was just giving him some notes for class he missed. Ashley: Spinner wants class notes? Since when? Hon, that's called a flirtation deface. Paige: Something's happening with you and Spinner? Terri: No, Ashley got an overactive imagination. Ashley: You should totally ask Spinner to go with you tonight. Terri: Uh, no point. I can't go. Ashley: What? You have to. You're on the dance committee. Terri: Ash, it's not me. It's my dad. He's making me do chores. Ashley: On a Friday? Come on. Paige: If Terri can't go, Terri can't go. Liberty: Ashley! You're going to be late for the announcements. Ashley: Tell me something I don't know, Liberty. (To Terri) I'm not through with you yet. (Ashley leaves to do the announcements.) [Outside] (A man drops off a boy (who we find out is Sean Cameron). He takes off his helmet after he gets off the bike. He puts his hands through his hair, sighs, and goes inside.) Sean: thanks for the ride. (Tracker (Sean's older brother) be good.) [Mr. Simpson's Homeroom] Emma: I can't believe you guys are chickening out (meaning JT and Toby) Toby: We're not chickening out. Emma: Fine. Toby: Fine. JT: We're just not going to the dance, ok? Emma: (To Manny) I just it's just me and you then. You did talk to your parents? Manny: Yes... and no. If the dance was during school hours, fine. But it's at night. Emma: So who am I supposed to go with? (They sit down. Mr. Simpson enters, with Sean behind him.) Mr. S: Morning, people. I would like to meet Sean Cameron. He was here for a few months last year, before he moved up north. Why don't you tell the class about yourself? Sean: No. Mr. S: Ok, well, um, maybe when once you've more settled in. Why don't you have a seat? (He sits down.) Ashley: (over the announcements) So, come make history tonight when I host Starlight, Starbright, Degrassi Community School's first ever nighttime dance. Thanks again, Mr. Raditch. And I know I speak for all of us when I say tonight's going to be the best dance ever. [Ms. Kwan's room] Ms. Kwan: Ok kids, now hold back on your excitement. Because today we're starting a unit on, ta-da, romantic poetry. (Paige looks at Terri who Spinner is looking at. She is not happy. (Which means she likes Spinner)) [Hall] (The bell rings) P.A.: A reminder to all dance committee members, please report to the gymnasium for set up [Gym] (Ashley, Terri, and Paige are setting up for the dance. Ashley comes up to Terri.) Ashley: Alright, Terri. What's the real story here? Terri: I told you, my dad. Ashley: Yeah, and your dog ate your homework. Terri: I don't have a dog. (Paige comes down from a ladder.) Ashley: Ter, you're lying. I can always tell. Your eye twitches. Just, talk to me. Why don't you want to go tonight? Terri: Because who'd want to dance with me? Ashley: What? What are you talking about? This is crazy. I'm not letting you do this. Terri: Fine. Tell me how to lose 10 pounds in 6 hours, and I'll be there. [Outside] (Jimmy is dribbling a ball when someone takes it from him. He pretends to shoot a ball in the trashcan. He sees Sean and sits next to him.) Jimmy: Hey, buddy. What's going on? It must be weird being back and all. Don't worry. The guys won't treat you any differently because, well, you know. Alright? (Hits Sean on the arm.) (Sean looks at him weird and leaves. He sits down on a different bench. Emma looks at him, then looks away. (meaning she likes him.)) [Gym] Ashley: You know what you're missing? Self-confidence. Seriously, Ter. Just let me come over tonight. I'll get you dressed up, I'll do your make-up... Paige: You want to give Terri a makeover? What, are we on some trashiod talk show here? Leave her alone. Ashley: It's about having fun, and Terri's not gonna have fun until she starts feeling better about herself. We'll have a great time, whoever we dance with. I promise. Paige: If this makeover has to happen, I better be there, too. Terri needs all the support she can get. (Bell rings.) [Ms. Kwan's Classroom -with grade 7] Ms. Kwan: (To Sean) Welcome. Why don't you take that seat and that's your book. (Sean sits down. Emma and Manny watch. Toby and JT come in and walk over to them. Toby: Emma... (Emma and Manny walk away.) Toby: That girl's not happy. JT: Ever since boy bands reared their genetically perfect heads they expect us to know how to dance. Curse them and their fancy footwork. Toby: On the other hand, what else is there to do tonight? JT: Oh, uh, Toby-woby wants to dance with his girly-wirly friend. Toby: Shut up! Emma's not my girlfriend. JT: Yeah, well, forget about her. I have an alternative (pulls out a piece of paper) Ms. Kwan: Ok, guys, quiet down. I want you to open up your books and we're gonna read chapter 4. (JT gives a piece of paper to Toby.) Toby: Where'd you get these URL's? JT: I got this cousin who's really into the 'Net. Best thing about them, they're all free. Girls too sexy for me, I doubt it. Toby: I don't know. JT: Come on, Toby. It's a right of passage. (Ms. Kwan comes by as she watches to see if everyone's working.) Ms. Kwan: Boys, open up your books. (The camera goes over to Emma, Manny, and Liberty.) Manny: Em, I totally wish I could go tonight. Emma: Yeah, well, at least you have a real excuse. Those two? Manny: They're wusses. Liberty: Emma, are you really gonna let a couple of prepubescent boys dictate your amusement? [Toby's House] (Toby and JT are waiting for Kate and Jeff to leave.) JT: I thought you said your parents were going out tonight. (Jeff comes in the room. He gets his keys.) Jeff: Hey, you guys sure we can't give you a ride to the dance? JT & Toby: No. Jeff: Oh. (Kate comes in the room.) Kate: Ok. Alright, so, um, we're off. See you later. Jeff: Bye. Toby: Bye, Dad. Bye, Kate (Kate and Jeff leave.) JT: One parent away, two parents away, three parents away, four parents away. Toby: Parents are gone. JT: What are we waiting for? [Terri's] (Ashley and Paige are helping Terri get ready for the dance.) Ashley: Terri, you alive in there? Terri: I'll be out in a second. Ashley: Well, hurry up. I'm leaving in 5 and I want to see the final result. (Terri comes out. She is wearing a black top and a colorful skirt. Her hair is up.) Terri: I knew this was stupid. Ashley: Ter, stop. You look... incredible. Paige: Wow. You actually do. Terri: You're sure? Ashley: Totally. I know it's early but I really have to set up. Terri, you are coming? Terri: I guess so. I just wish I wasn't so nervous. Paige: You go, Ash. I just want to freshen up a bit. Ter, wanna wait? Ashley: Paige, you look fine. Paige: Please, it's boiling in here. I've sweated off all my makeup. Terri: It's okay. I'll wait. Ashley: Alright, but I gotta run. Terri, I'm so glad you changed your mind. Spinner is gonna freak. (Ashley leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Degrassi] (Spike is dropping Emma off at the dance.) Spike: (as Emma gets out of the car) Call me when you want me to pick you up. You sure you're okay going in there alone? Emma: I'm fine. Spike: Okay. Good luck. But, do not walk home alone. (Kids hear this and start to laugh.) Emma: Mom... please. [Terri's] (Terri is looking at herself in a mirror.) Paige: Okay. That's better. I don't know about you, but I always get a little nervous before these things. Hey, you okay? Terri: Um, don't you think this outfit is a little too sexy? Paige: Hon, it's not that wild. Terri: Then maybe it's not sexy enough? Paige: Well, we could just a few final touches. (Paige makes Terri's skirt a little shorter by raising it up.) Terri: Paige, I don't know if I can go out looking like this. Paige: Terri, you're just nervous. You need to calm down. Come on. I think we could use a glass of cheery. Terri: Really? [Degrassi] Liberty: Your signs were blah. Ashley: Now you can't even read them. They're too covered in glitters, squiggles, and sparkles. (As they're talking Sean is waiting in line. He gets tired of waiting so he goes to the front of the line, pays, and goes in.) Liberty: It's called marketing. Ashley: It's called messy. $5.00 please. It goes towards the Degrassi Community Food Bank, though you wouldn't know that from the sign. (Ashley takes Emma's money and Emma enters the dance.) Ashley: (To person after Emma) $5.00 please. [The Dance] Spinner: Hey! It's little Miss Big Mouth + look she's got a heart on. (Jimmy laughs and high fives Spinner. Emma walks away.) [Kerwin House] Toby: It's weird. I didn't surf for this stuff before. As soon as Kate installed the filter... JT: Well, you can disable it, right? You weren't just making that up? Toby: (types in some stuff) It's gone. (JT gives him the paper) Ok, where should we start? Foxy ladies? Babes in heat? JT: How about the one with three X's? Toby: Ok, triple s*x XXX. Here we come. (They try to enter a site but something comes up that the connection dropped, which means they can't surf the Web till it's back up.) JT: What just happened? Toby: Stupid connection dropped. JT: Well, how long till it's back up? Toby: Could be minutes, could be hours. [Terri's] (She and Paige are drinking as they talk.) Paige: See the thing with guys, they love it when you take the lead. Terri: They do? Paige: They're shy too. You can't make them to do all the work. So, don't be nervous. Be yourself, just maybe a little more so. Terri: This is helping. (Meaning the drink) Paige: Here take mine. Hon, the more you have, the better you feel. Trust me. (Pours Terri more) [Kerwin House] (The computer makes a noise.) Toby: The connection's back up. (They run to the computer.) JT: Boobage, here we come. (They click on a site.) JT: Nice. Toby: I'll say. Picture number two. [Street] (Paige and Terri are walking to the dance. Terri is having a hard time walking, so you know she must be drunk.) Terri: Oops, Paige you saved me. Paige: Yeah, you owe me big time. Terri: I do. Um, you're such a good friend and I just owe you for tonight for looking out for me. Do you think I actually have a shot with Spinner? I like him, a lot, and I want him to like me too. Paige: Of course you do. We're going to make sure it happens. Let's go. (She grabs Terri's hand and they head inside. As they do, Terri, drops the bottle she was carrying and it breaks. She laughs.) [Inside] (Ashley sees them and goes over to them.) Ashley: Finally. I was starting to think you weren't coming. Terri: Fear not, Ashley. We're here. Ashley: Uh, Terri? Terri: Bring Spinner on. I'm ready for my man. Ashley: Have you been drinking? Paige: I tried to stop her. Ashley: Get her inside. Now. (Mr. R comes up to her.) Mr. R: How's it going? Ashley: Fine, Mr. Raditch. Mr. R: Good. (He walks away. Ashley goes into the gym.) [The gym] (Emma gets some food and starts to walk around. Paige and Terri go to the food. Paige pours a soda. Spinner comes up to them.) Spinner: Hey. I thought you weren't coming. Terri: Oh, you know, I changed my mind. Spinner: Cool. Paige: Hi Spinner. Spinner: Hi. Uh, Terri, you look, wow. Terri: Ashley, my friend. I love you. Ashley: Yeah, I love you, too, but maybe you should tone it down a bit before Raditch realizes you're drunk. Terri: I'm not drunk. I'm just...happy. Ashley: Paige, how much did she drink? And don't lie. Paige: I don't know. A few glasses. Ashley: What were you thinking? And what is with your skirt? (fixes Terri's skirt) Spinner: Uh, Ter, wanna dance? Terri: I thought you'd never ask. (Ashley gives Paige a look. Paige sees Raditch and waves and leaves. Raditch walks around watching everyone. It shows Terri and Spinner dancing. The camera moves over to Emma. She is just standing there. Then it shows Sean. Jimmy goes over to him.) Jimmy: Hey, man. After party at my place. It's grade 8's only, but we'll make an expectation just for you. What are you doing? Sean: (gets angry and grabs Jimmy) Just stop reminding me, ok? It sucks about having to repeat the 7th grade, and I don't have to have you rubbing it in my face. Emma: (sees Raditch coming) Do you wanna dance? Sean: (let's go of Jimmy) Yeah. (They go on the dance floor and start dancing. It shows Ashley and Paige watching Terri and Spinner. It shows them dancing.) Terri: Our very first dance. This is gonna be my favorite spot in Degrassi from now and forever. You're so cute. I can't believe I just said that. Spinner: Um, thanks. Terri: Do you believe in love at first sight? Spinner: Um, I don't know. [Kerwin House] (Toby and JT are still on-line.) JT: Whoa. She can be my on-line officer anytime. Toby: Oh, yeah. JT: Let's do some more exploration, shall we? (Points to a site on the paper) That (Toby types it in.) Toby: Whoa. Are those real? JT: Real something. (Jeff and Kate come home.) Jeff: Actually, I'd say silicon. Kate: Or saline solution. (JT and Toby turn around, shocked when they realize Kate and Jeff are home.) [The dance] (A new song is on. Terri is dancing around Spinner. Paige and Ashley are watching. Paige laughs.) Spinner: Um, are you okay? Terri: I'm fine. Never better. Spinner: Okay. (Terri falls.) Spinner: Are you okay? Terri: Um, Actually, I don't feel so good. (Terri runs to the bathroom. Ashley follows her.) Paige: I told Terri not to drink so much. So, did you save me that dance? Spinner: Uh, yeah. I guess. (Paige grabs his hand and he spins her. She starts dancing with him.) [Hall] (Terri is running with her hand over her mouth to the washroom. Ashley runs after her.) Ashley: Terri! (From inside, you can hear Terri puking.) [The next day at school - The hall] Manny: You actually asked him to dance? Emma: I know. He seems all scary and dangerous, but he was actually pretty nice. JT: I told you it was a stupid idea. Emma: What did you guys do Friday night? Toby: Nothing, why? JT: Nothing. Just imagine the most embarrassing possible moment of your life then multiply it by eternity. Manny: What happened? JT: The internet, Toby's perverted curiosity. Toby: Me? It was your idea, remember? Emma: You guys stayed home to look at p0rn? Toby: So? It's a right of passage. Manny: Please. JT: His dad and Kate came home early and found us. Toby: They made us look at p0rn sites with them, including sites with men. To teach us a lesson about objectifying women. Emma: they made you look at p0rn? Manny: With them? Emma: Males and Females? Toby: Not so loud, okay? Emma and Manny: Losers. (They walk away.) [Outside] (Terri is walking. Ashley walks up to her.) Ashley: Hey, so how come you didn't call me all weekend? Terri: Because I wanted to fall off the face of the earth and die. Ashley: Well, if it makes you feel any better, Mr. Raditch says we can have another right dance next semester. Terri: Well, at least I didn't wreck everything. Ashley: Of course you didn't. Things are going to work out, just trust me. (Spinner comes up to them.) Spinner: Hey, Terri. Hey, are you feeling better? (Terri nods.) Spinner: Look, here are those notes back. Thanks again. (Terri takes them back.) Paige: (she comes up to them) Yeah, Ter, thanks, but Spinner's gonna use my notes from now on. Spinner: Bye. (Spinner and Paige leave Terri looking sad. The camera shows Ashley looking sad for Terri then moves back to Terri.)
Plan: A: Terri; Q: Who is afraid of being liked by a guy? A: Degrassi's first nighttime dance; Q: What event does Terri not want to attend? A: Paige; Q: Who gets Terri drunk before her date with Spinner? A: her insecurities; Q: What does Paige play on to get Terri drunk before her date with Spinner? A: Emma; Q: Who is puzzled by the new kid's behavior? A: the dance; Q: What do J.T. and Toby skip to look at internet pornography? A: Internet pornography; Q: What do J.T. and Toby look at instead of the dance? A: Sean Cameron; Q: What character did Daniel Clark play for the first time in this episode? Summary: Terri doesn't want to attend Degrassi's first nighttime dance because she thinks she's too fat for any guy to like her. Spinner likes her, but Paige wants him for herself and, by playing on her insecurities, gets Terri drunk before her date with Spinner. Meanwhile, Emma is puzzled by the new kid's behavior and J.T. and Toby skip the dance to look at Internet pornography. Note: This episode marks the first appearance of Daniel Clark as Sean Cameron.
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL MONACO - HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT] (Camera close up of a tumbler. Someone drops three ice cubes and pours the rest of the vodka from the bottle into the glass.) (He picks up the glass and walks around the room. He sits on the bed and drinks from his glass.) (He stands up and walks into the bathroom to stand in front of the foggy mirror. He uses the back of his hand to wipe it clear. He stares at himself and sighs.) (He turns around.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL MONACO - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM turns the corner to the hotel hallway and makes his way to the officer who stands just outside the hotel room door. The OFFICER signals GRISSOM inside the room.) [HOTEL ROOM -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM walks into the room. BRASS is inside with two other OFFICERS. He looks at GRISSOM.) Brass: Oh ... you're going to love this. (BRASS pulls out a cloth from his pocket to open the bathroom door. They look inside.) [BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS] (At the far end of the bathroom, is a tub ... with the dead body inside.) Brass: Ring any bells? Rub-a-dub-dub, dead man in a tub. (BRASS and GRISSOM step into the bathroom. GRISSOM puts his kit down near the door.) Brass: Sleeping bag for easy cleanup. Open window so the stench alerts the neighbors. (GRISSOM looks around.) Grissom: It's Royce Harmon all over again. (Quick flashes of: A shot of the chest bullet wound. Flash to: The revolver in the man's left hand.) Grissom: What do you think? "Suicide" note in the same place? (GRISSOM steps forward.) Brass: You tell me, Karnak. (GRISSOM cautiously look, reaches out and finds the tape recorder clutched in the body's right hand. He takes it and looks at it.) Brass: Now, that's weird. Grissom: Not weird. Intentional. (GRISSOM presses play.) Recorded Voice: (from tape) ... narl loop sair momoph reet reet seer pute narfenging ... (GRISSOM shuts it off.) Brass: What kind of language is that? Swedish? Grissom: It's backward. (GRISSOM thinks about it for a moment, then turns around to look at BRASS.) Grissom: Would you excuse me a minute? Brass: (nods) Sure. Okay. (BRASS steps out of the bathroom and closes the door behind him.) [INT. HOTEL MONACO - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (BRASS shuts the door.) Officer Arvington: He okay in there? Brass: Quincy wants to be alone. We had a case like this three months ago -- a guy found dead in his bathtub. Turned out the suicide was staged. Found a mini-recorder as a suicide note. (BRASS turns to look at the closed bathroom doors.) Brass: Killer may have struck again. Officer Arvington: Why does he want to be alone? (BRASS looks at OFFICER ARVINGTON.) Brass: He wants to get his mojo working. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL MONACO - BATHROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM turns the tape recorder on and plays it backward, then flips the switch to play it forward.) Recorded Voice: Man on mini-recorder: My name is Stuart Rampler. I reside at 818 Noeing Hill Court, Las Vegas, Nevada. I am 43 years of age, and I'm going to kill myself. I just can't do it anymore. I love you, mom. (He shuts the recorder off and stands there a moment. He turns to look at his reflection in the mirror.) Grissom: You're back. HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM walks into the hallway reading the assignment sheets in one hand; the bagged tape recorder in the other. He looks up and sees SHIBLEY walking toward him.) Grissom: Shibley, take this recorder to the print lab. (GRISSOM hands the tape recorder to SHIBLEY, then continues down the hallway.) Grissom: Have Manny dust it and run prints on it right away. (SHIBLEY gives GRISSOM a large envelope.) Shibley: Photos from tonight's suicide. Put a "rush" on them for you. Grissom: Photos. Thank you. (GRISSOM walks down the hallway and stops when he hears what sounds like a football game whistle coming from the break room. He looks inside.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- BREAK ROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (WARRICK and NICK play a video football game.) Nick: Oh! Warrick: Throw the flag, ref! NICK: Uncatchable, bro. (GRISSOM walks into the break room.) Grissom: (irritated) Hey! You guys want an assignment slip or a pink slip? (WARRICK stands up; NICK shuts the game off and also stands up.) Warrick: Just taking a little coffee break. Nick: Is it true? Warrick: Same guy? Grissom: (calmer) I don't know. We'll see. Here. 410. Reckless driver out at Hoover Dam. Car went over a cliff. Anonymous caller. Could be foul play. (GRISSOM gives WARRICK the assignment sheet.) Warrick: Oh, me and him, working together? Oh, it's on. Nick: You're going down, bro. (WARRICK hands the sheet to NICK. The two gearing up for the challenge ahead.) Grissom: (irritated) Hey! Work together tonight. All right? (WARRICK nods demurely. GRISSOM leaves the room. Once his back is turned, NICK and WARRICK look at each other and smile ... gearing up for the challenge ahead.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM walks into the office.) Grissom: Okay, we're going off the board tonight. Sara: Off the board? Catherine: "The ones that got away." Fish. Sara: Ah. I missed that one. (GRISSOM stands in front of the large fish-shaped corkboard and takes down some photographs.) Grissom: First victim, Royce Harmon. About three months ago, Brass and I found this guy dead in his own bathtub, but his "suicide" was staged. I think the killer has killed again. (He hands the photos to SARA.) Grissom: Photos of tonight's victim: Stuart Rampler. Play the "pick six things that are different" game. Bet you lose. (CATHERINE looks at the photos.) Sara: This guy's good. Catherine: Not good. Exceptional. Print examiner lifted a thumbprint off the mini-recorder near the tub of our first victim. The print came back this. (CATHERINE looks around GRISSOM'S office and finds the fake hand. She shows it to SARA.) Grissom: The killer purchased one of these rubber hands laced the fingertips with cooking spray and proceeded to place false prints all around the crime scene. Sara: This guy is good. Whose prints are these? Grissom: Some guy who works in a warehouse making Halloween paraphernalia. Scary masks, air-brushed tombstones, rubber hands. Turns out he used his own hand for the mold. Catherine: So what do we do? Grissom: We split up. You and I go to the coroner. Sara, you go to the hotel. Dust every inch of that bathroom. Here. Use this -- (GRISSOM reaches for a container on the shelf. He gives it to SARA.) Grissom: "Red Creeper." My own concoction. Sara: (impressed) Wow. Grissom: Well, serious case, serious print powder. Be thorough. Don't take anything for granted. Sara: Yes, sir. (SARA leaves the office.) (CATHERINE and GRISSOM also leave the office.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HOOVER DAM - CRASH SITE - NIGHT] (NICK and WARRICK enter the crash site. Emergency crew work on the car.) Warrick: Everyone still breathing in that car? Paramedic: So far. Nick: Call came in blind. You see who could have made it? Paramedic: No. We were first on the scene. Fire department came in two minutes behind. Place was dead quiet. (The fire department crew cut the top off of the car. They start working on the unconscious man in the back seat of the car.) Warrick: Where's the driver? He get thrown? Officer: Didn't find anybody. (NICK and WARRICK look up above where the car fell.) Nick: I'm thinking DUI. Warrick: You calling it? (NICK looks around on the ground and finds something.) Nick: I'm calling that beer bottle. (NICK uses a pen and picks it up to look at it.) Warrick: How you know it's from the car? Nick: It's still cold. Foam in the bottle. Take it up top? Warrick: After you ... [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] (DR. ROBBINS pulls the body out of storage. He goes over the body with GRISSOM and CATHERINE.) Dr. Albert Robbins: I've read Klausbach's report on Royce Harmon the first staged suicide. Grissom: Similarities? Dr. Albert Robbins: Well, based on the entry wound, they were both murdered. But here's where it gets fun. (DR. ROBBINS shows them the wound on the back of STUART RAMPLER'S left hand.) Catherine: That looks like he was shot trying to protect himself. Grissom: What else, Doc? My mind is painting. Dr. Albert Robbins: He was paid a little visit from Mr. Muzzle stamp. (DR. ROBBINS shows them the bruise on the temple.) (Quick flashback to: The gun is against STUART RAMPLER'S temple. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: Forced into the tub at gunpoint? Grissom: Okay. Let's play it out. (GRISSOM turns around. The clock behind GRISSOM reads 4:35pm.) Grissom: The killer's got him at gunpoint, right? Standing over him like this. (Quick flashback to: STUART RAMPLER puts his hand up to block the gunshot.) Stuart Rampler: No!! (Quick CGI that follows the bullet as it pierces through flesh. End of CGI. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: But this time, things got messy. Royce Harmon didn't fight back. That's why there was no muzzle bruising to his temple. Catherine: Stuart Rampler was resistant. He didn't want to get into that tub too easily. He took a few jabs to the temple. Grissom: But the killer just lost round one. We know how he gets his vics into the tub and we know that both deaths were homicides. Catherine: Not a bad start. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HOOVER DAM OVERLOOK - TOP -- DAWN] (WARRICK stands at the top of the overlook near the broken railing. NICK measures the tire marks on the road.) Nick: The skid start way up the road. I got him doing at least 70. Warrick: More like 80. Nick: These grooves are from the car's frame. It balanced before it fell. (NICK looks a the shoe prints in the dirt.) Nick: This is where he bailed. Wide spacing, slipping of the heel. He ran. (WARRICK takes a photo.) Warrick: Who? Nick: The phantom driver. (Quick flashback to: [NICK'S VERSION] Inside the moving car.) Walter Banglor: Hey, hand me another beer. Phantom Driver: No, you've had enough. (The car heads straight for the truck. Its horn blares. The car swerves.) Phantom Driver: Hey, hey...! (Tires squeal. The car crashes through the railing and teeters on the edge of the embankment, its engine still running. The PHANTOM DRIVER bails. The Drunk Backseat Passenger, WALTER BANGLOR, stays in the car as it topples over and off the cliff.) (The PHANTOM DRIVER runs away. WALTER BANGLOR screams as the car falls down the ravine.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: So your drunk driver just got out and ran away? (NICK looks at WARRICK and nods.) Warrick: Where to? Nick: I don't know. That's why we're up here. But he left his buddy hanging out to dry. I can tell you that. (WARRICK points to the tire marks on the roadway behind NICK.) Warrick: Then how do you explain car number two? Nick: Driver ran to this point, car picks him up. Here are your tracks ... probably took him to the hospital. Warrick: Not if we have these. (WARRICK looks down at the tracks in the dirt.) Warrick: They're kind of out of place. A walking stride up to the edge. (WARRICK takes a couple of photos.) Warrick: No. This is a crime, not an accident. Nick: You care to back that statement up? My phantom driver against your criminal? Warrick: How much? Nick: Fifty. Warrick: I don't get out of bed for less than a bill. (NICK laughs and they shake on it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL MONACO - BATHROOM -- DAY] (SARA walks into the hotel room bathroom carrying her kit. She meets up with DET. B. EVANS.) Sara: Hey, Evans. Det. Evans: Hi. (SARA puts her kit and things down.) Det. Evans: Victim's name is Stuart Rampler. Lives in town reserved a room for one night because his house was being fumigated. Sara: Hmm. Find anything unusual? Det. Evans: I bagged a couple of utility bills. (He moves to the side and picks up a bag of bills and shows it to SARA.) Det. Evans: Ready for mail. It's almost as if he wanted to take care of some unfinished business before he checked out. (SARA takes the mail out of the bag and goes through the bills.) Sara: Well, it's not likely. His suicide was staged. (She notices something.) Det. Evans: It's an upside-down stamp. What does that mean? Sara: I don't know. SHORT TIME CUT TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL MONACO - BATHROOM - DAY] (SARA uses the Red Creeper on the bathroom pipes. Sara: (impressed) Wow. This stuff rocks. I love bathrooms. Last time I printed a hotel bathroom, I had over 1,000 prints. (SARA continues to dust the tub. She finishes.) Sara: Okay ... close the doors and hit the lights, daddy-O. (EVANS closes the bathroom doors and turns the lights off. SARA uses her ALS and can't believe her findings.) Sara: Not a single print. Det. Evans: He wiped it clean. Sara: Yeah. This guy's a real pro. Not only did he wipe it clean -- it's sterile. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PAIGE HARMON'S RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- MORNING] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE interview PAIGE HARMON.) Paige Harmon: I thought you were going to tell me that you caught him. Grissom: Mrs. Harmon, we believe that the person who did this to your son may have done it to someone else and we need your help. Paige Harmon: Well, what can I do? Catherine: We talked to the second victim's girlfriend -- played his suicide recording for her. She confirmed that it was his voice. Paige Harmon: But I already told you that the voice on that tape was not my son's. Catherine: I know. We just need to be absolutely certain. Do you have a recording of your son's voice so that we could tie the killings together? Grissom: Anything, Mrs. Harmon -- a home movie? A recorded message off your answering machine? Paige Harmon: All I have are pictures. (She remembers something.) Paige Harmon: I may have something. (She stands up and picks up a picture frame.) Paige Harmon: Royce gave this to me for mother's day last year. (GRISSOM stands up.) It's a talking frame. It's all I have left. Royce Harmon: Hey, mom, it's Royce. I know you're always complaining you don't hear my voice in the house anymore. Well, now you can listen to it anytime you want. I love you, mom. Paige Harmon: (softly): I love you, too. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY -- DAY] (WARRICK and NICK walk with DR. LEEVER down the hospital hallway.) Nick: Mr. Backseat going to make it? Dr. Leever: Name's Walter Banglor. He'll live. Nick: He well enough to talk? Dr. Leever: Subdural hematoma, compound rib fractures ... Nick: All right, all right, I get the picture. How long until we can see him? Dr. Leever: I didn't say you couldn't see him. (DR. LEEVER turns and leads NICK and WARRICK into the hospital room.) [HOSPITAL ROOM] (He pushes the curtain aside.) Dr. Leever: He's sedated. If you want to talk to him you're going to have to wait until he comes off his meds in about 12 to 24 hours. (NICK sighs. WARRICK looks at WALTER BANGLOR.) Warrick: Tan lines, no watch and no ring. Nick: Check his personal effects. (WARRICK picks up the envelope and checks its contents. He spills it out onto the table. A wallet falls out.) Nick: That's it? Warrick: Must have been one hell of a fall to knock his watch and his ring off ... (WARRICK shows NICK the empty wallet.) Warrick: ... and take his money. (NICK thinks about it.) Warrick: So what do you say? Do you want to up the stakes another hundred? (DR. LEEVER looks over at NICK.) Nick: To what, a deuce? Warrick: (shrugs) Say my foul play against your phantom driver? Nick: You bet. (They seal the deal with a hand "shake". DR. LEEVER watches and shakes his head, a half-smile on his face.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- MORNING] (SARA tests the "upside-down" stamp.) Greg Sanders: Okay ... I've got Stuart Rampler's DNA profile ready. All I need is something to compare it to. Sara: Coming right up. Let's see if we can find out who this Licker is. (SARA hands the sample vial to GREG. He puts it in the machine and switches it on.) (Short time cut later: The results print out. GREG looks at it.) Sara: What do you got? Greg Sanders: Well, according to the DNA Stuart Rampler licked the right-side-up stamps. Sara: What about the envelope with the upside-down stamp? Greg Sanders: Well, it came back unknown. Sara: (thoughtful) He's toying with us. Greg Sanders: Who? Sara: Anonymous. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- MORNING] (WARRICK walks into the garage to find NICK fuming the entire car.) Warrick: Supergluing the entire car? It's a little excessive, don't you think? Nick: Hey, man, this is war. Warrick: (chuckling) You know, I checked with six different medical centers, and no phantom driver at any of them. Nick: (waves it away) Minor setback. How about the 911 call? Warrick: Las Vegas cell phone. PD's putting a name to it. Nick: Good. Warrick: What's all this? Nick: Car was rented from the airport three days ago. Warrick: To ... ? Nick: Walter Banglor. I figure Vegas vacation; side trip to Hoover Dam. Warrick: Makes sense. Nick: Mm-hmm. Warrick: You find his watch and ring? Nick: (grudgingly admits) No. Warrick: (laughing) my pockets are getting fat! Nick: No, he travels light. There was only a change of clothes in the damn suitcase. Warrick: God, you see all that money in there? Nick: All right, the fumes have settled. Give me a hand. Warrick: Yeah. (They lift the plastic sheet off of the car. NICK sees the prints on the wheel.) Nick: You can run ... but you can't hide. (Camera cuts to the prints on the dashboard.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (CATHERINE and GRISSOM walk through the hallway.) Catherine: "Disco Placid" -- what's that? Grissom: He's a jazz producer. Specializes in audio. Does voice comparisons for me from time to time. He hears in perfect pitch. Catherine: Really? Grissom: He's gifted. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BASEMENT - AUDIO ROOM -- DAY] (DISCO PLACID sits behind his equipment listing to the music on the ear phones and timing it with the watch in his hand. Song overhead is "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone", by Bill Whithers.) (GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk up to the doorway behind him.) Disco Placid: (sings along) Yeah, better leave young thing alone / but ain't no sunshine when she's gone. (He sees them and smiles. He takes off his earphones.) Grissom: I'm sorry to hear that. Disco Placid: Oh, that's Bill Withers, man. The man cuts me up inside. Grissom: Catherine Willows, Disco Placid. Catherine: A pleasure. Disco Placid: A pleasure. Lyric: Ain't no sunshine when she's gone... Grissom: How are we coming with our voice comparisons? Disco Placid: Got it right here. All I got to do is, uh, heat this thing up. It's a mini-cassette recording of the first victim. Royce Harmon: (on tape) I'm going to kill myself. Disco Placid: Comparing the "I love you's..." Royce Harmon: (on tape) I just can't do it anymore. I love you, mom. Disco Placid: Now the talking frame. Royce Harmon: (on tape) Now you can listen to it anytime you want. I love you, mom. Disco Placid: Minnesota Twins. Catherine: The mother was wrong. That is her son's voice. Disco Placid: I laid in both suicide notes in the computer, stripped the tracks one by one. Picked this up in the b-ground. (He plays the tape for them.) Royce Harmon: (on tape) My name is Royce Harmon. I reside at 7642 carpenter street, Las Vegas, Nevada. I am 41 years of age. Grissom: What is that? Disco Placid: I don't know, man. It sound like a flag or a tarp or something. Give me a sec. I'll give it to you in a chinese to-go box. Catherine: Play the second victim's tape. Disco Placid: Okay. Stuart Rampler: (on tape) My name is Stuart Rampler. I reside at 818 Boeing Hill Court, Las Vegas ... (He turns the tape off. Behind them, GRISSOM pulls out a sheet of paper and waves it making the same sound as the one on the tape recordings.) Catherine: No. Play it through. Stuart Rampler: ... Nevada. I am 43 years of age, and I'm going to kill myself. Grissom: Play them side by side. Both Recordings: My name is Royce Harmon / Stuart Rampler / I reside at 818 Boeing Hill / 7642 Carpenter Street. Las Vegas, Nevada. I am 41/43 years of age. Grissom: It's "fill in the blanks." Catherine: He's just reading from a suicide script. (Again, GRISSOM waves the sheet of paper around.) Catherine: What do you think? Disco Placid: (smiles) Disco. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB -- MORNING] (NICK and WARRICK walk into the print lab. MANDY doesn't look up from the scope.) Mandy: So I've got some good news and mysterious news. Nick: Give me the good news. Mandy: Well, your results are back from the prints on the car. And your vic, Walter Banglor, is top of the list. Nick: It's a big list. Mandy: You fumed the entire car. What did you expect? Warrick: What's the mysterious news? Mandy: I found some speckles of blue dust in the ridges of Banglor's print. Here. Look it. (She steps aside from the scope. WARRICK looks at it.) Nick: Let me see. (WARRICK moves aside and NICK looks at the scope.) Warrick: What do you think? Nick: I have no idea. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- DAY] (SARA fills GRISSOM and CATHERINE in on what she's found.) Sara: I did some comparative digging on both victims -- Royce Harmon and Stuart Rampler. Both are white males in their 40s, single and ... both have the same birthday. Grissom: Royce Harmon, born August 17, 1958. Stuart Rampler, born August 17, 1957. One year apart. Catherine: Okay, so maybe it's some reverse or backwards pattern. August 17, 1958 ... 1957. The suicide message was recorded backwards; the postage stamp was upside-down ... Sara: Yeah. Grissom: Maybe he's telling us, in order to go forward, go back. Sara, go back one more year -- August 17, 1956. See if anything pops up with the same M.O. Sara: I'm gone. (SARA leaves the office. MANDY appears in the doorway.) Mandy: Mr. Grissom, the prints are back from Stuart Rampler's mini-recorder. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB - CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE and GRISSOM walk into the lab where MANDY sits in front of the computer.) Grissom: Can we see the print? Mandy: Not print-- prints. Catherine: What do you mean? It's more than one person? Mandy: It's two thumbprints overlapped. Grissom: Can you separate them? Mandy: Yeah. Running both prints through AFIS. (The first print comes back "UNKNOWN". The second print comes back "COMPLIANCE".) Mandy: How can that be? (MANDY works on the keyboard and stands up to look at the printout.) Catherine: "Compliance"? Grissom: Someone within the department? (MANDY looks at the results, then glances at CATHERINE. She looks at GRISSOM.) Grissom: What? Mandy: Uh, Catherine, can you excuse us for a moment? I need to speak with Mr. Grissom in private. (CATHERINE glances at GRISSOM.) Grissom: Anything you have to say to me you can say to her. Mandy: Well, the top print came back Paul Millander. Grissom: I expected that. He's the guy who makes the rubber hands. I've already cleared him. What about the compliance -- the bottom print? Mandy: It came back you. Catherine: It's Grissom's print? (MANDY nods.) Catherine: Wait a minute. Somebody got ahold of your prints. Grissom: How? I wear gloves at every crime scene. I was printed for the job. We all were. Catherine: Well, somebody's obviously making this personal. They could've got your print from a glass that you touched at a restaurant. From a latex glove that you discarded and they turned inside out ... (CATHERINE sighs.) Catherine: Oh, god ... (GRISSOM thinks about it and something occurs to him. He looks at the monitor, the one print over the other.) Grissom: I get it. Whoever it is is telling me that he's got me under his thumb. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- DAY] (NICK is in the break room reading something. WARRICK walks in.) Warrick: So ... who's your phantom driver? Nick: Possibly a cop from Philly. Or a ... a nurse from Omaha. Don't forget the mail carrier from Nashville. (NICK laughs as he looks at the list of names.) Warrick: Man, it's a rental. Those prints are probably older than you are. Nick: Well, this is going nowhere. Warrick: You giving up? Nick: No, no, no, no. We're still on. I may be stalled, but I'm not out. Warrick: You want to take it to three? Nick: You want to take it to three? (They agree and seal the deal by knocking knuckles.) Nick: You still think he was robbed? Warrick: Tan lines where his ring and watch used to be. On vacation in Vegas, but no money in his wallet. His face all bruised up before he took that cliffside tumble. Damn right, I think he was robbed. (Quick flashback to: [WARRICK'S VERSION] A man runs out into the street to flag down the moving car. Motorist: Hey! (Inside the car, WALTER BANGLOR puts the bottle down to brake.) Motorist: Hey! (The car swerves and crashes through the railing and stops halfway over the edge of the hill. WALTER BANGLOR leans back in his seat.) (The front door opens and the MOTORIST Motorist: You all right, man? Walter Banglor: Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. (The MOTORIST pulls a gun on WALTER BANGLOR.) Motorist: I want the ring, the watch and all your cash. Walter Banglor: Okay, all right. Motorist: Come on. Walter Banglor: All right, all right. (He hands over money, watch and ring.) Motorist: Now get your ass in the back. Walter Banglor: What? Motorist: I said get your ass in the back! (WALTER BANGLOR crawls into the back seat.) Motorist: Strap in. Walter Banglor: Okay. (He straps himself in. The MOTORIST runs around to the back of the car and pushes it over.) Walter Banglor: What are you doing? (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: He lays in wait, he robs him, he tries to kill him, but he lets him buckle in? Warrick: I don't think the robber expected Banglor to get drunk and go crash his car. He probably freaked and put him in the back seat trying to fool me into thinking someone else was driving. But he only fooled you. Nick: What about the blue dust, Warrick? Warrick: What about it? Nick: Don't you think it matters? Warrick: Maybe. There's other questions to answer first. Nick: Okay, like? Warrick: Footprints and tire tracks. Nick: (nods and whispers) I hate you. Warrick: You love me. Who you kidding? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOLLOWEIRD - MAIN WAREHOUSE -- DAY] (GRISSOM walks into the warehouse, looking for PAUL MILLANDER. In the back of the warehouse, PAUL MILLANDER is working on a sculture.) Grissom: Mr. Millander? Paul Millander: Hey, it's the forensics guy. I forgot your name. I-I'm sorry. Grissom: Gil Grissom. (They shake hands.) Paul Millander: Hi, Mr. Grissom. It's been a couple of months. How are you, sir? Grissom: I'm okay. What are you making? (He turns the head around to show GRISSOM.) Paul Millander: I-I-I call it ... "Good versus Evil." You like it? Grissom: Yeah, it reminds me of our supervisor on days. Paul Millander: So, what brings you down to my humble abode? Grissom: I have a couple of questions regarding that staged suicide. Remember? Paul Millander: Yeah. How's that going? Grissom: Not too well. Paul Millander: Say, w-would you like a cup of coffee? I got instant. Grissom: Sure. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOLLOWEIRD -- BACKROOM -- DAY] (PAUL MILLANDER walks in the back to get the coffee. GRISSOM follows him and looks around.) Grissom: I envy you, Mr. Millander. I do. You can work by yourself ... no one around to bother you. You just ... do what you do. I'd love to have that kind of autonomy. Paul Millander: It's really all I know. I ... started out doing ice carvings but the artwork never lasted. (GRISSOM chuckles.) Grissom: I know what you mean. (PAUL hands GRISSOM his drink.) Grissom: Thank you. Paul Millander: Let's sit. (They both sit down.) Paul Millander: How can I help you? Grissom: Do you remember the, uh, rubber hand mold that you made from your own hand? Paul Millander: How could I forget? Grissom: Well, whoever the perpetrator is has killed again. And again, your print came up. So I was hoping you could help me. Paul Millander: Sure. Grissom: The last time we talked, you told me that you had sold several thousand units last Halloween? Paul Millander: Bestseller. Yes, sir. Grissom: Could you provide me with a list of your distributors? Paul Millander: I really don't have a list. Uh ... Why? Grissom: I was hoping to do a credit card search ... go back ten days before the first murder occurred ... try and run some names ... see if any priors pop up. Paul Millander: I would really love to help you, Mr. Grissom, but ... I just don't keep track of ... of individual purchasers. I-I-I'm just a wholesaler. I don't ... I don't crunch numbers. I-I just ... spook the children. Grissom: Of course you do. I'm sure you do it well. (GRISSOM leans back in his chair and takes a sip from his cup.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - RESEARCH ROOM -- DAY] (WARRICK looks through a binder full of shoe prints. He flips the page and finds the match.) Warrick: Finally. (NICK walks into the room. He's eating an apple.) Nick: Hey, partner, you get a match yet? Ooh! Converse all-star. Warrick: Size 11. Nick: And you needed all the books for that? (NICK takes a seat.) Nick: Those soles have been around 20 years. Warrick: I needed to be sure. Nick: You look tired, buddy. You want me to make you a bottle, go nigh-nigh? Warrick: You want me to clack that jaw, make you go nigh-nigh? Nick: (rubbing it in) You should have worked the tire tracks. Jimmy in trace put together a digital catalog of treads ... has thousands on file. Took me three minutes. (NICK tosses the file folder onto the desk in front of WARRICK. WARRICK looks at the results.) Warrick: Pirelli low profile p-zeros. High performance. Nick: And standard on your alleged getaway vehicle ... the '99 Bentley Arnage, red label. It's a sweet ride, man -- handcrafted. So, how many people in Vegas you think drive that kind of price tag? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] Brass: Three. Did a DMV search. Warrick: Any reported stolen? Brass: Yeah, one. Last week. It came in a couple of hours ago. (BRASS holds up the photos.) Brass: Take a look. (He gives them the photos.) Nick: Oh-ho! So sweet! (WARRICK grabs a photo and compares it to the tire marks in the folder.) Warrick: Check this. One-to-one says that's the car. Brass: Yeah, well, don't bet the sub shop, Warrick. That's about all the evidence you're going to get out of the Bentley. We found it at a car wash off of warm springs. It's been vacuumed detailed -- the whole works. It's cleaner than brand-new. (NICK smiles.) Nick: Well, I wish Banglor's rental car company were as considerate as your thief. (He slaps WARRICK on the back and chuckles as he leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY] (BRASS walks into GRISSOM'S office.) Brass: Dr. Livingston. Your dead man is making cash withdrawals. Grissom: Which one? The first victim or the second? Brass: The second. Stuart Rampler. The bank called. His ATM card showed a couple of withdrawals after his time of death. Grissom: (pleased) ATM machines take photographs every three seconds. Maybe we can get a Kodak moment of this guy. I want the machine here. I want prints. I want film. I want everything. Brass: The whole machine? Grissom: Yeah, the whole machine. Brass: Okay. (BRASS turns and leaves the office.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - EVIDENCE ROOM -- NIGHT] (NICK goes over WALTER BANGLOR'S clothing. NICK finds a blue stain near the jean's button fly. He takes a sample of it just as WARRICK walks into the room.) Warrick: You got his clothes? Nick: That's right. Warrick: What are you doing? His laundry? (NICK holds up the swab.) Nick: Something to compare our mystery blue dust to. Warrick: Ah. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- NIGHT] (GREG starts testing the blue substance.) Greg Sanders: So ... what's the pot up to? Nick: (flatly) We don't bet on cases. Greg Sanders: Ah. Of course you don't. So who's winning? Warrick/Nick (both): I am. Greg Sanders: Fiends. (GREG puts the sample vial in the machine and runs it.) (Short time cut to: The printer prints the results.) Greg Sanders: Your mystery dust is ... silicon blue dye. Warrick: What's that? Greg Sanders: Pool cue chalk. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- NIGHT] (Inside the break room, NICK and WARRICK revamp their scenarios. WARRICK sits and listens as NICK stands, pacing the floor and playing with a football in his hand.) Nick: Banglor's shooting stick with the phantom driver ... tosses a few back ... piles into the rental ... ...I-93, Hoover Dam. But don't drink and drive. You might spill your drink ... car skids ... bangs into the railing ... (Quick flash to: [NICK'S THEORY] The car going through the railing. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: ... see-saws ... (Quick flash to: The car teetering over the edge. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: ... on the edge ... what does the driver do? Man, he bails. He leaves Banglor in the back seat to take the fall. (Quick flashback to: The PHANTOM DRIVER leaps over the railing and runs down the road. End of flashback Resume to present.) Nick: Literally. (Quick flashback to: The car falls down the ravine, WALTER BANGLOR inside, screaming. End of flashback Resume to present.) Nick: Fingerprints, grooves, footprints: All the bases are covered. Victim, suspect, crime scene. Like a laxative ... (Done, he tosses the foot ball to WARRICK, who catches it.) Nick: It works. (NICK sits down and exhales. WARRICK thinks about it and starts his own theory.) Warrick: Banglor shooting stick -- I'll give you that. Burping bourbons -- I'll give you that, too. But he left solo. A few miles down the road, (WARRICK stands up and starts pacing the room as he goes over his scenario, evidence by evidence.) Warrick: ... Bentley thief flags him down ... (Quick flashback to: [WARRICK'S THEORY] The MOTORIST flags the car down. End of flashback Resume to present.) Warrick: ... spooks him into a skid ... boom, crash! (Quick flashback to: The car headlights. End of flashback Resume to present.) Warrick: He's robbed ... forced into the back ... pushed over the edge. (Quick flashback to: The MOTORIST pushes the car over the edge of the hill. End of flashback Resume to present.) Warrick: With Banglor out of the way, the thief gets in his stolen Bentley ... hightails it out of there. No watch ... no rings, no cash ... stolen Bentley tire treads, converse all-star size 11 ... all bases covered. Victim, suspect, crime scene. Like a canary ... it sings. (Done, WARRICK tosses the ball to NICK. He catches it. WARRICK takes a seat.) Nick: You know, I hate to admit it ... but I like your theory. It does work. Warrick: I was sitting here thinking the same thing about your phantom driver. Nick: So, what do you think? Can two solid theories, each backed by evidence both be correct? (WARRICK shrugs. NICK tosses the football to WARRICK.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PHOTO LAB -- DAY] (Everyone watches the bank ATM machine security camera footage. On the monitor, a bum stands directly in front of the camera. A second person stands off to the side directing the bum. He hands the bum the card.) Grissom: (o.s.) There. There's our guy ... handing it off. (On screen, the man on the side hands the bum a stack of cue cards. The bum turns the cards one after the other in front of the camera.) Grissom: Life ... like holding a dove. Grissom: Hold it too hard ... Catherine: ... you kill it. Grissom: Hold it too soft ... Sara: ...and it'll fly away. (The bum continues to flip the cards. Thinking that he's done, the bum turns to the side to walk away, but the man pushes him back in front of the camera to continue flipping the cards.) Catherine: :Have we located this bum? Grissom: Brass's guys are looking for him. Okay ... significance of the flipping? Catherine: He's obviously making a point. Sara: What does the dove symbolize? Peace. Catherine: But I don't think it's peace in terms of ... human civility or unrest. I think maybe it's "peace of mind." (beat) What do you have to attain to have peace of mind? (realizing) Justice. Grissom: "I'm going to keep doing this over and over again until I get Justice." HARD CUT TO BLACK. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM opens the interview room. Inside is the bum.) Brass: How you doing? Grissom: (looking at the bum) Hmm. How'd you find him? Brass: We canvassed a square-mile radius of the ATM machine. Started throwing bums hamburgers out the car window in a nice tight spiral. They ratted him out in 20 minutes. Brass: You want to tell him how you were approached? Bum: You know, I think better when I eat. Brass: No kidding? Grissom: Jim, call the steak house at Circus. Get this fella a porterhouse. (BRASS picks up the phone.) Brass: How do you like it -- Medium rare? No, you look like a well-done kind of guy. Bum: Rare. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (NICK and WARRICK sit side-by-side in the hallway. NICK glances at his watch. DR. LEEVER steps out.) Dr. Leever: Two minutes, understand? Nick: That's all we'll need. (They head into WALTER BANGLOR'S room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - ROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (The door opens. NICK and WARRICK walk into the room.) Nick: Hey, hey. How are you feeling, Mr. Banglor? Walter Banglor: Uh, better, I guess. I understand last night was exciting, though. Warrick: Yeah. Nick: I'm going to come right out and say it. What happened to you is not right. The person responsible needs to be brought to justice. You tell me who that person is. Who was driving that car? Walter Banglor: Who the hell are you guys? (WARRICK and NICK both talk at the same time.) Warrick: I'm Warrick ... NICK: I'm Nick ... (They stop and look at each other.) Nick: I'm Nick Stokes. This is Warrick Brown. We're with criminalistics. We've been working your accident. Warrick: Actually, sir, I-I don't think it was an accident. I think you were robbed and any information that you remember about your attacker would be very helpful. Walter Banglor: I wasn't attacked. (At this, WARRICK'S face falls.) Walter Banglor: I was drunk .. really drunk. (At this, NICK'S face falls.) Walter Banglor: No way I should've been driving that car. (Quick flashback to: [POOL BAR] WALTER BANGLOR looses another game and puts his pool stick down on the table. He sighs.) Walter Banglor: Yeah! I guess that's enough for me. Pool Player: Then it's time to pay up. (Cut to: WALTER BANGLOR looks into his wallet, then glances at the POOL PLAYER in front of him.) Walter Banglor: Looks like I'm a little short. (He chuckles. The POOL PLAYER turns to the THUG behind him and motions to WALTER.) Pool Player: Hit him. Take everything he's got. (The THUG hits WALTER in the stomach and in the face.) (Cut to: WALTER BANGLOR is driving home. He's drinking as he's driving. He's not paying attention to the road and is startled awake when the truck headed toward him honks his horn.) Walter Banglor: Jeez! (WALTER gets control over his car and swerves. He crashes through the railing and teeters on the edge of the cliff.) (To balance the car, WALTER crawls into the back seat. He fastens himself in just as the car tilts over the edge. And like a wild park ride, the car rolls down the hillside.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: You mean you got hustled? Walter Banglor: I won the first game. Nick: (astonished) You climbed in the back seat yourself? Walter Banglor: Yeah. Warrick: So buckling up ... really did save your life. You know that? Walter Banglor: Yeah, I guess it did. Warrick: You get well, okay? Nick: Glad we could help. (They both walk out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (NICK and WARRICK walk out of the room and into the hallway.) Nick: Well, the only thing we didn't factor in was his will to live. Warrick: And the Bentley thief, size 11-- he could've been at that crime scene anytime last week. So we push on the bet? No winner? Nick: (agreed) No loser. (NICK'S pager goes off. The wall clock reads 4:02. NICK checks his pager.) Nick: 406. Burglary. Double or nothing? Warrick: You're talking to the wrong guy. (They both walk out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- NIGHT] (The BUM finishes his meal.) Brass: Can we start again, please? Grissom: Now, how did this man approach you? Bum: He walked up to me. Told me he'd give me a hundred bucks if I flip some cards. Brass: He pay you cash? Bum: (nods) Mm-hmm. A hundred-dollar bill. Grissom: You still have it? (The BUM doesn't answer.) Grissom: How tall was this man? Was he ... shorter or taller than Mr. Brass here? (BRASS stands up.) Bum: A hair taller. Grissom: By a hair, do you mean the hair of a rabbit or the hair of grizzly bear? Bum: Somewhere in the middle. Grissom: Okay. Let's say he was five-ten. What else do you remember about this man? (BRASS takes a seat.) Bum: He had a narrow chin. Uh ... his eyes were blue -- deep-sea blue, you know? Uh, jet-black hair uh, Spock-like ears pointed nose, bushy eyebrows. Sunken cheeks with a bad complexion, almost pock-faced. (As he talks, GRISSOM puts it together.) Bum: Uh ... thin as a soda cracker and his clothes were wrinkled, like, uh, he slept in them. Oh ... and when he spoke, he spoke with a ... Grissom: (realizing) ... stutter. Bum: Yeah. Grissom: Paul Millander. He set me up. (surges to his feet, angry) Son of a bitch! I had him and I let him go! (Quick flashback to: [HOLLOWEIRD] GRISSOM talks with PAUL MILLANDER.) Grissom: You ever make any rubber hands? (Cut to: GRISSOM shows PAUL MILLANDER the rubber hand.) Paul Millander: I sold ten thousand of those units last Halloween. Even used my own hand for the mold. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (GRISSOM is angry ... with himself. BRASS watches GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM fills CATHERINE, SARA and BRASS in on his findings.) Grissom: So when I picked up the hand he must have lifted my print, Catherine. Catherine: Latex rubber surface, freshly dried paint a snip of scotch tape - Sara: It wouldn't be that hard to lift and replant. Grissom: Sara, we'll be on headsets. Run everything you can on Paul Millander. Use forenz-l use nexus, search anything and everything. Brass: I'll call the brigade. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - RESEARCH ROOM -- NIGHT] (SARA is on the computer, running the searches.) Sara: Typing in search word: Paul Millander. Here it is. Paul Millander: INTERCUT WITH: [MOVING VEHICLE - NIGHT] Sara: (from radio) Age 42, five-eleven, male caucasian. Address not on file. No criminal record. Grissom: Keep looking. Listen, check the business database. Search word: "Halloweird." (SARA does a search.) Sara: There's no listing, Grissom. Grissom: How can that be? I was just there. Catherine: (to radio) Change databases. Newspaper index, periodicals index -- just keep trying. Sara: (from radio) I got something out of the newspaper index. Grissom: What is it? Sara: (reading) "Two hotel security guards exonerated in alleged 'staged' suicide. Boy's testimony shaky. Paul Millander, age ten, testified that he watched in the closet while his father, John, was escorted by two hotel security guards into his own bathtub at gunpoint where he was found shot to death. Official cause of death was ruled ..." Grissom: (to radio) ... suicide. (from radio) Check the date. (SARA runs the search.) Sara: Catherine, you were right. August 17, 1959, it's a pattern. Catherine: So he was killing men who were born on the same day that his father died. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HOLLOWEIRD - NIGHT] (The police vehicle stops. OFFICERS suited up exit the back of the van. Additional OFFICER vehicles arrive at the scene. BRASS exits his car, gun drawn. GRISSOM and CATHERINE stick their heads out of the van after all the OFFICERS exit.) (The OFFICERS break down the warehouse door.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOLLOWEIRD - WAREHOUSE -- NIGHT] (The OFFICERS search the warehouse. It's completely empty. Everything's gone.) Officer: All clear. (GRISSOM, CATHERINE and BRASS walk into the empty warehouse. In the center is a single stool with an envelope on it.) (GRISSOM takes out his gloves and looks at the envelope. He opens it and takes out the single piece of paper inside.) Catherine: Blank. What's that mean? Grissom: We have nothing. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - RECEPTION -- NIGHT] (The RECEPTIONIST looks up from her desk at PAUL MILLANDER.) Paul Millander: Mr. Grissom in? Receptionist: No. He's out on assignment. (PAUL looks around and sees the security camera in the corner nearby.) Receptionist: Do you want to leave him a message? Paul Millander: No. Just tell him a friend stopped by. Receptionist: A friend? Paul Millander: (nods) A friend. He'll know. (PAUL steps away to leave. He walks in front of the security camera and waves. He walks out.)
Plan: A: Royce Harmon; Q: Who was murdered 3 months ago in a scene staged to look like a suicide? A: a thorough knowledge; Q: What does the killer have of forensics? A: evidence; Q: What did the killer leave behind? A: Grissom; Q: Who is the detective who is trying to solve the murder of Royce Harmon? A: Nick; Q: Who is the other detective on the case? A: a man; Q: Who went over a cliff in his car and is now unconscious? Summary: Royce Harmon was murdered 3 months ago in a scene staged to look like a suicide. Now another murder has taken place. Whoever the killer is he has a thorough knowledge of forensics, he purposefully has left evidence, and has baffled Grissom and his team. Warrick and Nick investigate the case of a man who went over a cliff in his car and is now unconscious.
4X02 - AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY - PART. 2 Aerial view of LA, daytime (flying over tops of buildings). Cut to closeup of subway train pulling out of the station, and Sydney strutting down the platform. Cut to Sydney swiping her access card to enter APO. Jack: Two weeks ago, the man on the train, Kazu Tamazaki, severed ties with all known contacts, eliminated all means of communication. Vaughn: Any idea of where he's gone or why? Jack: Nothing. Our one link to Roman Vadik has dissapeared. Dixon: Any indication Vadik turned on Kamazaki? Sloane: All chatter says that Vadik is status quo. Sydney: So, Tamazaki is still all we've got. Dixon: All we had. He's gone. Sloane: Back to what we know. The Hazunaga Asian Museum in London. Sydney: Yeah, Nadia said he was arrested five years ago; break in. Vaughn: Was there a motive? Dixon: He was caught in the Shintaro sword exhibit. The shootout killed two of the MPs and one of his own men. Sydney: What was he doing? Sloane: Trying to steal the Shintaro sword...the most famous samarai sword outside of Japan, wanting to restore honor to the blade and his country. Vaughn: You've gotta be kidding me... Sloane: We may not have the means to contact Tamazaki, but I can see a way to get Tamazaki to contact us. Jack: Are you suggesting we fake a robbery of the Hazunaga? Sloane doesn't answer. Sydney: You think we should steal the sword. Dixon: That museum's one of the world's most secure. If this were my operation, there's only one man I would trust to get us in there... Cut to Marshall, dropping a stack of paperwork into his inbox. He looks over at Weiss, whose desk is right next to his. Marshall: Hey...You as depressed as I am? Weiss: Depressed about what? Marshall: Depressed about what!? Take a look around here. This place is a ghost town; I don't even know anybody here anymore. An unknown CIA officer walks by and Marshall nods his head toward him to indicate, "See what I mean?" to Weiss. Marshall: Sydney is gone...Dixon...Jack, Vaughn. The only guy we have left is Sark and that's only because he's in custody. I hate that guy, I mean, really, kinda scares...although I did go visit him...twice...just to see a familiar face. We had eggs. Weiss: Don't do that. Cut to Marshall, carrying a briefcase, a thermos, a newspaper and a brown paper lunch bag to his car (which is a silver Mini Cooper). Suddenly, he is surrounded by unmarked cars with sirens. A man in a three-piece suit and tie gets out of a sport utility vehicle carrying a piece of equipment under his arm. Man: Marshall Flinkman, you're under arrest for the misuse of government assets. Marshall (stammering): Misuse? What...? What did I misuse? Man: You had unauthorized computer equipment connected to the government monitors you have been provided. Marshall: Connected!? I don't understand...what did I have connected? Man holds out the equipment from under his arm. It's an XBox with a controller. The man points to it with his other hand. Man: Is this yours? Cut to Marshall with black bag over his head as he's being led into APO by two men. Marshall: Uh, it was for a mission, I swear! I just wanted to download some maps from MapQuest; I heard they were really good, of course, the CIA maps are much better... The men pull the bag off of Marshall's head and walk away. In front of him is Sydney. Behind her is Dixon, Vaughn and Jack. He stares at them all in disbelief. Marshall (fearfully): Am I dead? Sydney: You've been recruited. Jack: We're a black-ops division, Marshall. You're going to head up technology. Marshall's mouth is still hanging open, as if he's still trying to grasp everything. Suddenly, he notices Sloane standing behind them. He leans in conspiratorially with Sydney and says: Marshall: Uh, Syd...(whispering) Sloane is here. Sydney: We know. Marshall: Okay. Marshall's face blooms into a huge smile and he leaps forward to hug Sydney. Laughing, he says: Marshall: Syd! We're back! CUT TO BLACK L(O)NDON Cut to establishing night shot of parliament building in London. Cut to two figures dressed in black running across the roof of a building. One stops running and drops a backpack, unzips and starts unpacking items. The other figure runs to what looks like a junction box. (OS) Marshall: Merlin to team. Great; way to go, guys. Stay focused. Cut to view of Syd's reacon (who is the one unzipping the bag), and then to Marshall and Dixon, who are in the surveillance van. Dixon (to Marshall): They're focused. Sydney turns on a pocket butane welder and starts heating up the bolt holding a vent grate to the roof of the building. Cut to Vaughn, who has opened the junction box. Vaughn: Okay, Shotgun to Merlin. Tapping into surveillance. Showing Vaughn connecting to circuit board and connects small screen to it. He flicks through a couple of camera angles, and then... Vaughn: Okay, I can see it: the Shintaro Sword. Cut to scene of sword. it is in a long glass/plexiglass case on a marble pedestal in the center rear of the room: the place of honor, so to speak. Vaughn: It's a Studler Matrix system; what am I looking for? Cut to Marshall, who rolls out a diagram and looks at it. Marshall: Okay...Studler Matrix... Vaughn: What fuse? Marshall: L7. Vaughn: Copy that. Looping L7. Marshall: Wait a minute...wait a minute...wait a minute... Cut to Vaughn, pulling his hand away from the circuit board suddenly. Marshall: Don't do that. You need to reroute through E3. Cut to Sydney, making progress on the vent bolt. Vaughn: E3 rerouted. Marshall: Okay, go to L7. Vaughn: Copy that. Looping L7. Cut to Syd, still working on bolt. Vaughn: Okay, the security feed's looped. Cut back to Syd. As the head of the bolt lets go, the rest of the bolt falls down into the vent, making loud metallic clanging noises as it goes. Syd and Vaughn exchange a worried look. Syd: Outrigger, something fell down the vent. Cut to security guard inside museum. Guard: Security to control. Control Guard: What, Kenny? Cut to Vaughn, listening to their chatter. Guard: Check floor 2, would ya? I think I heard something. Control guard checks feed (which is looped), and replies: Control Guard: Nope, it's all clear. Cut to Vaughn's relieved face. Vaughn (whispering to Syd): You're still good. Sydney carefully removes the grate and sets it aside. Just as she's about to go down the shaft, Vaughn says: Vaughn: Hey. Good luck. Syd gives him a small smile. Sydney: Thanks. Sydney crawls down into the vent and pulls the grate back over the opening. Cut to Marshall and Dixon in the van. Marshall: How cool is this!? Stealing a sword so we can find a bad guy...in order to catch an even bigger bad guy? Come on...come on, you'd have never let us do this back at the CI...you know, when you were double-breasted, serious (in robotic voice) Robot Dixon... Cut to Dixon. He is not amused. Marshall: I mean...not that you were...authoritative... Cut to Dixon, who is still not amused. Marshall (who now looks distinctly uncomfortable): Sorry... Cut to Sydney, crawling through the vent. Cut to Sloane, listening to the mission transition in his office in LA. Dixon: Outrigger to base. ETA 90 seconds. Security feed's on loop. So far, so good. Cut to control guard, looking at monitor for sword room, and sees nothing amiss. Cut to closeup of sword. Cut to Sydney opening the grate in the Shintaro sword room. She takes out a gun and fires a dart with a wire attached into the far wall. Cut to Sydney, pulling herself along the wire. She is hooked to it with a pulley contraption. Once she has pulled herself over so that she is hanging in front of the case (her feet not touching the floor, obviously), she pulls out a spray can and sprays the entire top of the case with it. Then she cracks the glass/plexiglass with a high pitched sound machine. Note that although the top cracks, it stays together, much like bulletproof glass would. Carefully, Sydney reaches for the edge of the glass and rolls it up a little at a time until about 2/3 of the top of the case is exposed. She starts attaching a specialized magnetic contraption to the case. Cut to Vaughn's view of the sword room from his monitor, where he can see Sydney's progress. Cut back to the control guard's view of the monitor. Feed is still looped, so he sees nothing amiss. Sydney continues to attach magnetic contraption to the case. Cut to Marshall. Marshall: Biggest challenge? Hands down...the pressure pad on the case. You know...the marble border? There's no way to deactivate it; supercalibrated. Cut to Vaughn, monitoring other camera angles in the museum. Cut back to Sydney as she prepares to lift the sword out of the case. Cut to Vaughn's monitor where he sees Security guard walking down the hallway toward Shintaro sword room. Vaughn: Phoenix, you've got company. Tango approaching...ETA 20 seconds. Dixon: Phoenix, abort! I repeat, abort! Sydney: I'm almost there. Vaughn: Phoenix, he's coming. Get out of there now! Sydney: I'm almost there... As security guard walks closer, Sydney lifts the sword out of the box without setting off the alarm, thanks to Marshall's magnetic contraption. Cut to Vaughn, watching in panic as the guard turns the corner to enter the room. He enters the room to find the sword case empty. Sydney is hiding. From Vaughn's monitor, we see that Sydney is hiding just above the door in the mouth of the vent entry...right over the security guard's head. He looks around and then up just in time to get Syd's knee in the face, knocking him out. Out of his hand rolls a Coke bottle. Sydney watches helplessly as it rolls further and further...and into the part of the room that is rigged, setting of the alarm. The entry to the vent shaft suddenly closes. Vaughn (watching on monitor): Damn it! Cut to Syd, sheathing the sword onto her back and running for it. She bolts, and just makes it under a series of quickly shutting grate doors. She gets up, runs, and bolts through a back door just in time to flatten herself into the shadows as police cars rush by her. Sydney: Phoenix to base. I'm in the east alley; I need an extraction now! Dixon (over comms): We're at a secondary route. We're 60 seconds out. Sydney: I don't have 60 seconds. I'll meet you at the LZ; I'm going. Sydney starts running full tilt down the alleyway in the opposite direction of the police cars. Suddenly another police car speeds into the alley. Sydney stops, turns and runs the other direction, but the car quickly catches up and cuts her off. She gasps as the door to the police car opens...to reveal Jack. Jack: Sydney, get in. Sydney just glares at him. Jack: Get in now! You can be stubborn later! She gets in. Jack: Outrigger, this is Raptor. I have Phoenix, heading to rendevoux. Sydney: What are you doing!? Jack: You know what typically works in a situation like this? A simple thank you. Get down. Syd glares at Jack and then ducks her head down as Jack drives away. CUT TO BLACK. LOS (A)NGELES Cut to daytime establishing shot of skyline via helicopter. Cut to Sydney and Vaughn walking down the hallway side by side, talking. Watching them is Jack and Sloane. Sloane (noting the look on Jack's face): You didn't tell her, did you? The truth. Syd and Vaughn have stopped walking now and are talking in the middle of the hallway in the distance. Jack turns to face Sloane and says: Jack: I told her I was responsible for the death of her mother. Sloane: Did you tell her everything? Jack: She's better off not knowing...everything. Sloane: Tough call, Jack. Jack: Better that she detests me. I fear the alternative would have left her incapacitated. They both turn to study Sydney again, but when Jack's head is turned, Sloane turns his eyes to study Jack instead. CUT TO BLACK. B®USSELS Cut to a brick mansion, surrounded by a beautiful courtyard. A bald man sits with his back to Dixon. He doesn't even look up from his work when he says: Man: I assume you have something to sell? Dixon (with a vague South African or Dutch accent): I have the Shintaro sword. Man looks up and smiles, obviously impressed. Man: Herr Vogel, you never cease to astound me. Man turns to face a proudly serene Dixon. Man: An inside job, no doubt...yes? Dixon doesn't answer. The man smiles. Man: No matter. People on the street are impressed; an incredible job. Dixon: My friends are good at what they do. Man: Let me make a few calls. Cut to Dixon, leaving the mansion. On telephone to Sloane: Dixon: It's done. Sloane: Good work Head home. Sloane walks over to Sydney's desk and leans over her. Sloane: Dixon set the sword in play. We can expect to hear from Tamazaki within hours. Sloane starts to walk away, but then he puts a hand on Sydney shoulder, his thumb rubbing in what's supposed to seem soothing, but from him, makes Sydney's skin crawl. Sloane: It's good isn't it? Having the team back together... He smiles, pats her shoulder and then walks off while Sydney is left to ponder the truth in his statement. Cut to Marshall in his gadget office. Sydney walks in. Sydney: Anything? Marshall: Hey... Well, mostly what we already know. Roman Vadik is some serious bad news. Check this out: Marshall types on his computer keyboard and photos appear on his screen. Marshall: Pakistan. 500 casualties. Prime minister of Kiristan...assassinated in broad daylight. Another photo pops up on Marshall's screen. Sydney: Who's that? Marshall: Uh, it's Pablo Martinez. He's an Argentinan agent; he was investigating Vadik last year. Sydney: Vadik had him killed. Marshall turns around in shock that she knew that. Marshall: Yeah. Sydney: Martinez was partners with Nadia Santos. Marshall: Your sister!? Sydney: Half sister. Marshall: Well, he was the only one who ever saw Vadik alive...at least on our side. Sydney: He wasn't transmitting, was he, when he was captured? Cut to a prison. Jack and Marshall sit on one side of a grate as a prisoner is brought in to see them. It is the goon that Vaughn took down on the train. Jack: I'll make you a deal; you cooperate with us...That's it. Man: You don't frighten me. Jack: Then, clearly you're an idiot. There is a pause as Jack lets that sink in. Jack: The man you were working for on the train: Tomazaki...he referred to his boss, Mr. Vadik, but we ran voice prints. Marshall: An agent was killed last year by Vadik. But his voice...you know, the killer...it matches perfectly with the man on the train...Tomazaki. Jack:...which means Vadik trusts Tomazaki enough to front for him; act on his behalf. Simple deduction says that if Tomazaki trusts you; you've seen Vadik. Man looks down, but doesn't answer. Jack: Where do we find Vadik. Man looks back up at Jack and meets his eyes. Man: I'll need Protective Services for this... Jack: You help us, and you have my word. (Pause) Vadik... Man: You are at him. Vadik is Tomazaki. There is no Vadik. It's cover. He made him up. There's no Vadik. Cut to Jack at APO. Jack: If Vadik doesn't exist at all., if it's actually Tomazaki whose in charge...we need a new game plan. The telephone rings. The scene cuts back so we can see the whole APO team minus Dixon at a conference table. Sloane answers the call and puts it on speakerphone. Sloane: Yes. Dixon: Tomazaki took the bait. We're set for a Wednesday meet. Rio de Janeiro. He insists that the woman who stole the sword make the delivery. Apparently he has access to police files; he was intruiged. Jack: What about back up? Dixon: She's allowed one addition. Sloane: Good. Jack you'll escort Sydney with the sword. Vaughn, Marshall...you'll support Dixon. I want a plan by 1800. Sloane starts to walk away. Sydney: Excuse me...I prefer Dixon as my partner. This gets a look across the table from Jack. Sydney: I'm sure you're aware of our experience together in the field. That shorthand could be important. Sloane: I've already made my assignments. Sydney looks away, not happy. CUT TO BLACK RIO DE (J)ANEIRO Daytime establishing shot of Rio from above. Cut to the team in a safe house preparing for the mission. Vaughn approaches Sydney as she's packing up the sword. Vaughn: You good? Sydney: Yeah. Vaughn: As soon as Tomazaki makes contact, we'll ID and take out any back up he's got...then we'll move in, grab him, get on a plane. Sydney looks worried as she puts on her sunglasses, as if she has a feeling its not going to go quite that easily. Cut to a fountain in a park. Camera pans over to an nondescript van in parking lot. Cut to inside where Marshall and Dixon are. Marshall: Team's in position; mikes are hot. Dixon: We've got full visual. Phoenix, Raptor...it's your show. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to Vaughn, dressed in white T shirt and sleeveless shirt and ski cap (homeless person perhaps?). He looks over his shoulder at Sydney and Jack, sitting on the lip of the fountain. Jack (over comms): Copy that, Outrigger. Sydney and Jack sit in silence. Sydney won't even look at Jack. Jack (giving Sydney a pointed look): This is the best conversation we've had in weeks. A payphone near them rings. The two of them stand. Sydney: Merlin, patch this call through my earpiece to the rest of the team. Marshall: Okay, Phoenix, you are hot...and I mean that in many ways. Shotgun you're in on the call. Sydney (into phone): Hello. Tomazaki: Look across the square. You'll see a tunnel. It will take you to the belly of the Alvais building. Go to the tenth floor. No backup. No guns. Just the sword. Meet me in three minutes or it's off. Vaughn: Merlin, the Alvais building... Marshall: Now, listen, this building was converted into a bank last year. Shotgun, you're going to have to look the part. Vaughn: Okay, we've got wardrobe. Let's do it. From Sydney's vantage point at the phone, she spies Vaughn get up and run off. She walks over to Jack and says: Sydney: I'm going in...alone. As she walks off, he says into his comms: Jack: I assume you all heard that. Sydney starts walking into the tunnel. Sydney: Starting through the tunnel. Cut to Vaughn, now dressed in a three piece suit with tie, running up to the elevator to wait for Sydney. Vaughn: Phoenix, meet me at the elevators before you go up. Sydney: See you at the elevator. Marshall: Okay, now that tunnel was reinforced after the earthquake of '44...we're probably going to lose comms until... Sydney's comm is now static. Cut to Dixon and Marshalls' reaction. Cut to Sydney in a parking garage. Some of the lights flicker ominously. Cut to Vaughn waiting at the elevator. Dixon: Shotgun, we've temporarily lost contact with Phoenix. Vaughn looks around worried and then gasps, starting to walk off toward where Sydney should be coming from: Vaughn: Merlin, tell me there's a tenth floor in this building. Marshall looks at some paperwork and looks worried, too. Marshall: Guys... Cut to Sydney, still walking. She's come to the end of the tunnel. There's no access point to the lobby the way there's supposed to be. She immediately whips out the sword, checking her surroundings. Cut to Vaughn in a dead run through the lobby to get to the parking garage below. Cut to Sydney, still edging around, sword in hand. The lights start to flicker again as she continues to walk forward. Cut to Jack, running up the tunnel. He comes to the discarded case that had held the sword. Cut back to Sydney. The lights flicker once more before going out. In the darkness, she hears Tomazaki's voice: Tomazaki: Hello, Sydney Bristow. Sydney looks around and around, but cannot determine where the voice is coming from. She creeps forward. Then suddenly, Tomazaki drops from overhead, putting her in a headlock from behind. Cut to Vaughn, gun drawn, entering the garage. He runs forward and around the corner...to face Jack, running with his gun drawn from the opposite direction. Sydney and Tomazaki are gone. CUT TO BLACK Cut to skyline view of LA by helicopter, daytime. Sloane (speaking to team in Rio via phone): If Tomazaki wanted to kill Sydney, we're already too late. The only assumption we can work on practically is that Sydney is alive and that Tomazaki has some need for her. So, where is she? Cut to team sitting around phone in Rio safe house. Dixon: Rio was Tomazaki's call...not mine. It's his turf. Jack: Meaning he most likely has some sort of base here...satellite office, maybe. Sloane: Marshall, does Tomazaki's file indicate property holdings? Marshall: Nothing. Nothing in Rio...nothing anywhere in Brazil. Vaughn: We know someone with intel; the agent that led us to Tomazaki in the first place. Sloane: Well, my daughter has refused to cooperate. Jack: She gave Sydney Tomazaki's name. If she were apprised of the situation, she might help. Vaughn: Well, I'll make her help. Where is she? Cut to Nadia walking down a set of stairs outside a city building (presumably in Argentina). Nadia (answering phone): Hola? Cut to Vaughn, talking to Nadia from the safe house in Rio. Vaughn: This is Michael Vaughn; I'm in Rio. Cut to Nadia as she slows her descent of the stairs and then stops. Vaughn (over phone): Sydney's in trouble. Nadia: Is it Vadik? Cut to Vaughn. Vaughn: Vadik and Tomazaki are the same person. Cut to Nadia's reaction. Vaughn (over phone): Look, we don't know if Sydney's still alive, but if she is... Cut to Vaughn: Vaughn: ...you're our only hope. Cut to Nadia, pausing, clearly torn. Cut back to Vaughn, looking determined and almost desperate. Vaughn: Nadia, please... Cut to Nadia. Nadia: Tomazaki used to run an operation near the Catedral Metropolitana. Vaughn: Okay...I'll need details. Cut to a pipe near a ceiling, dripping with condensation. Cut to a drainage grate in a dirty concrete floor. Cut to a table with torture devices on it. Cut to Sydney, just awakening, strapped in a torture chair. Looking over, she sees a long snake tattoo on Tomazaki's arm. Tomazaki: Sydney Bristow...what happened to the deal? Cut to Sydney, eyeing Tomazaki. She has a large abrasion on the left side of her forehead. Sydney (confused): What? Tomazaki leans way in near her face, near her ear. Tomazaki: What. Happened. To. The. Deal? Tomazaki looks back for reaction from Sydney, but we can see that Sydney is still confused. Tomazaki: Before you leave this room...you will tell me why. Sydney: I might. I'm relatively open-minded...but in this case I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. Tomazaki: Have you eaten breakfast? Sydney(sarcastic): Why, you wanna grab something? Tomazaki: You probably ate breakfast. Sydney looks down but doesn't answer. Tomazaki is wearing the "cat who ate the canary" look again like he had on the train. Tomazaki: Just in case... We'll wait. And then he walks away, leaving Sydney strapped to the chair. Cut to a pair of strappy red heels. The camera pans up shapely bare legs, a white mini skirt, a black spaghetti tank, brown flowing hair...walking with that famous Bristow/Derevko swagger. It's Nadia, dressed to thrill and obviously now in on the mission. Shots of her "prey" entering the room, show that we are in a meat packing plant. The "target" is a man in his late 20's dark flowing hair, gold chain, black shirt under blazer, sunglasses...obviously he thinks he's "all that". Cut back to Nadia applying bright red lipstick as she approaches him. She rounds the corner and puts on her brightest "Come hither" smile when the man notices her. Man: Alana...you're here. (in Portuguese) It's been three months. What happened to you? Nadia (with a flirtatious smile): It took longer than I thought to find your birthday present. Cut back to Sydney as she is trying in vain to remove her left wrist from a shackle. Tomazaki and a henchman return. She stops fidgeting. Tomazaki stands in front of her, then reaches behind him and pulls a small water hose down from the ceiling. His henchman takes the hose and attaches it to a snorkeling mask. Tomazaki: I saw you...standing in the park. I was looking for the woman who stole the Shintaro and...then I saw you. This wasn't about the sword... Somehow you found out...about the hit. Which means you must know why you were spared. Why the job went away. Sydney gives a small glance at the henchman standing beside her. The henchman looks at Tomazaki, who gives a minute nod. The henchman shoves the snorkel mask over Sydney's face while she struggles. Then Tomazaki pulls on a chain next to him, and Sydney's face floods with water, which would effectivly drown her where she sat. As she struggles, we: CUT TO BLACK The henchman rips the mask off of Sydney's face as she gasps and coughs. Tomazaki gives her a moment to recover. Sydney: I told you... I don't know about any hit. Tomazaki nods again and the henchman puts the mask back on Sydney as she catches a deep breath. Again, water floods the mask. Tomazaki: You wouldn't be here if you didn't know about the contract! A moment later, the henchman removes the mask again. Sydney spits out a mouthful of water and gasps, Sydney: What contract? As Sydney coughs, Tomazaki studies her face again. We see Sydney is frightened...that she honestly doesn't know what he's talking about. Tomazaki: The contract I had...on your life. Cut to Sydney's reaction. Sydney: You were hired to kill me? Who hired you? Tomazaki (with tilt of his head as if saying "tsk tsk tsk"): Sydney... Assassin/Client privilege. (pause, then) The day before the job, my client was killed. Most unfortunate. Sydney: I swear to God, I don't know anything about this. Tomazaki puts his hand on his face, tapping a finger against his lips in thought, studying her. Finally, he concludes with a small laugh, Tomazaki: Somehow I believe you. I guess...this was just one of those coincidences... Sydney: Guess I can just sell you the sword and go home... Tomazaki (with a smile): I'll just...take the sword... How's that? Tomazaki nods to the henchman again as Sydney gives Tomazaki a death look. Tomazaki pulls the chain, flooding Sydney's mask as he walks away. Cut to Nadia, shoving her prey up against a wall and pressing herself against him. She practically attacks his lips, devouring them as the camera cuts back so we can see we are inside the man's office. Nadia says something to the man in Portuguese, and then suddenly the man goes limp and slides down the wall. As Nadia pulls the coating of "lipstick" from her lips, Marshall says, Marshall: So, Nadia...the tranquilizer lips... Do you think it was too red? Jack: Does Jorge have the key card? Cut to Nadia pulling the key card from Jorge's blazer pocket. Nadia: Got it. She runs across the room, pulls a painting of a cow off the wall and puts the key card into an access slot. A hidden door pops open. As she starts to access the hidden area, she says, Nadia: I'm in. Cut to Sydney, still struggling not to drown in the mask, with the henchman watching over her. We can see Nadia coming up behind the henchman. Nadia wraps the hose around the henchman's neck, then she grabs a torture instrument from the table and hits him with it, knocking him out. She rushes over to Sydney and pulls the mask from her face. As Sydney chokes and coughs badly, Nadia says, Nadia: You'll be okay. Nadia starts unlocking Sydney's shackles. As Tomazaki returns to the room, Sydney warns Nadia. Sydney: Nadia! Nadia turns in time to duck Tomazaki's blow. She fights him off for a moment before he overpowers her, punching her in the face and knocking her down. Sydney is unlocking her leg restraints as Tomazaki approaches her, but before he can reach her, we hear in the distance, Jack: Sydney! Tomazaki turns and runs. Cut to Jack, Vaughn, and Dixon running down the hallway leading to the torture room. Cut to Sydney, checking on Nadia, who is again consciousl Cut back to the threesome as they run. Cut to Nadia, running toward them. Jack: Where's Sydney? Nadia: She went that way. They all run down a dark hallway reminiscent of the bowels of SD-6. Cut to a meat packing room. Carcasses hang from the ceiling. Sydney cautiously enters the room, searching for Tomazaki. She slowly winds around the carcasses, when suddenly a blade pierces the one she's standing in front of, just missing her. She wheels backward as Tomazaki approaches evading his blade. As she reaches for a hammer on the counter, Tomazaki blocks her reach with the blade. Tomazaki: I was told you were good. She shoves him aside and grabs the hammer, using it for one swing before it's knocked away. She evades him and grabs a ceiling pipe using it to swing both her feet into his chest, knocking him backward. She grabs a meat hook and uses it to counter as she evades the sword. Tomazaki kicks her, twice, and she falls backward against a meat counter, where she finds another meat hook. Using them like sais, she goes on the offensive as he blocks with the blade until she kicks him in the stomach. He charges her, swinging the sword like a samarai. Sydney swings her meat hooks in time with his swings to block any possible blows. His first strike she deflects into a carcass. The second blow, she blocks with the two meat hooks, which she then uses as levers to quickly spin the blade around in his hand and she spears him with it. We see the point sticking several inches out of his back, causing his shirt to tent up. He slowly kneels in pain. Sydney kneels beside him, her face determined. Sydney: Who hired you? Tomazaki looks up at her and smiles as if impressed with her besting him before he lets out another groan. Sydney: Who put a contract on my life? Who hired you? Tomazaki (whispering, dying): Derevko...(gasp) Irina Derevko. Tomazaki falls to the side. We hear his body clatter to the ground as the camera focuses in on Sydney's face, shocked, stunned, betrayed. CUT TO BLACK Sloane (voice over of black screen): Congratulations. Camera pans. We now can tell the "black" was Sloane's back. As the camera pans upward, we see that six people stand in front of Sloane in his office: Jack, Dixon, Vaughn, Sydney, Marshall...and Nadia. Sloane: We recovered the isotope. We eliminated a dangerous enemy. And the British Government is most grateful for American assistance in returning the Shintaro sword. I would also like to announce that...Nadia has accepted my offer to join APO. I know she can rely on your full support in the days and weeks ahead. So...that's it. Go home. Feel good about what you've done. Camera focuses on Sydney's face. She looks vaguely sickened, as if suddenly she remembered all the times in the past that Sloane said that when she worked for SD-6. Sloane captures her gaze and holds it, almost in challenge. Finally, she turns and walks away. Jack walks into Sydney's office and shuts the door. Jack (tentatively): How did you...find out? Sydney: Tomazaki. He had the contract. Jack walks toward her, his face full of regret and empathy for what he believes Sydney must be going through. He looks like he wants to say "I'm sorry..." but he doesn't. Sydney: You didn't know? Jack: I merely knew your mother had hired someone; I didn't know who. I had only one way to stop him. Sydney: Why would she want me dead? Jack: I don't know. Sydney registers this, fully taking in the scenario. She's upset, almost fragile in her sadness. Sydney (unsure): You killed her...to save me? You killed Mom to save me... Jack leans in as if to embrace her, but Sydney puts up her hands with a teary smile. Jack stops, pained. Sydney (in a painful whisper): I'll see you tomorrow. She walks away, leaving Jack to stare after her. Cue "The Wind" by Cat Stevens. Cut to Sydney, walking toward the main entrance of APO, buttoning up her coat. She looks as if she's moments away from crying, just barely holding herself back. She slouches her hands into her pockets and walks with her shoulder hunched. As the door opens in front of her, she slows. Cut to her face as she starts to break down, putting a hand over her mouth so that no one will hear. She holds a hand over her forehead and eyes as the first gasps come out. Behind her, she hears, Vaughn: Syd. She straightens up suddenly upon hearing his voice, and tries to put herself quickly back together before she turns around. Vaughn looks at her, obviously concerned for her. She sniffs and gives and embarrasses smile as she tries to wipe the traces of moisture from her face. Vaughn: You okay? Sydney: Yeah. (she has to pause to clear her throat) She looks at him, trying to put her "everything's okay" mask into place...but she can't quite do it. Sydney: Um... She can't help it; she starts to break down again. Vaughn doesn't hesitate; he just steps forward and pulls her into his embrace as she lets tiny sobs escape. Cut to close up of Vaughn's face as he holds her, and then to Sydney, her arms firmly wrapped around Vaughn's back as she tucks her face into his shoulder. She looks up, slightly more in control now. Sydney (whispering): Thank you... We see Vaughn nod his head a little, but doesn't say anything. The camera pans back, showing us Vaughn and Sydney near the door to APO, just holding each other, her arms around his back. Fade to coastline aerial shot, daytime. Cut to Weiss and Sydney in Sydney's kitchen while she prepares a salad. Weiss is stealing pieces of it and eating them. Weiss: I...I just don't see it. You...working in a bank!? Come on...what kind of job is that? Cashing checks, and making change...'Excuse me, next in line please?' Sydney (giggling): I'm a loan officer. I travel...service accounts. Weiss (in half-disbelief): Wait a minute...that cover job you had for SD-6!? Sydney: I happen to be good at it. Weiss (with kidding sarcasm): Great! That's stimulating stuff! Watching someone else's cash...Seriously, since you left the spy biz...you are a bore! Sydney: It's an adjustment is all. Are you sure you don't wanna stay for dinner? There is a knock on the door. Weiss: I'd love to but...I gotta save the world. (gets up and walks toward door) See ya. Sydney (giggling, muching on salad): Bye... Weiss opens Sydney's door. There stands Nadia. Weiss is momentarily dumbfounded before recovering. Weiss: Hello. Nadia: Hi. Weiss: I'm Eric...Weiss. 38. Single... Nadia (grinning): Nadia. They shake hands. Weiss: How are you? Nadia: Good. Sydney approaches the door upon hearing Nadia's voice. Nadia looks past Eric at her. Nadia: Is this a bad time? Sydney: Not at all. Nadia, this is Eric. He was just leaving... Weiss (protesting): No, no, no...I can stay. Sydney pointedly waves at Eric. Weiss: ...or go. Nice to meet you. Nadia: You, too. (to Sydney) Hey. Sydney: What's goin' on? Nadia: I just couldn't wait...even until tomorrow. I was...hoping we could talk about our mother. Sydney looks off for a moment, and then looks back at Nadia. Sydney: Did you bring your passport? Fade to establishing daytime shot of Moscow. Fade to Sydney and Nadia walking down a hallway. Sydney (voiceover): Our mother was killed. I found her body in a state medical facility. I identified her, paid for her release, made arrangements with a mausoleum three blocks from where she was born. I thought she'd want it that way. At the mausoleum, Nadia puts her hand over Irina's wall marker, tears in her eyes. Nadia: And you have no idea...who's responsible...who killed her? Sydney pauses, and then, Sydney: No. Nadia: I swear to God...somehow, I will find out who did this to our mother... and I will kill him. I will. Off of Sydney's reaction we, CUT TO BLACK End.
Plan: A: delivery; Q: What was the second act of the theft of the sword? A: an ancient sword; Q: What is stolen and delivered? A: Sydney; Q: Who learns that her father had her mother executed? A: a hitman; Q: Who did Sydney's father kill to prevent her mother from assassinating her? A: Jack; Q: Who is Sydney's friend in the APO? A: CIA; Q: What organization is the SD-6 division of? A: alleged "former villain" Arvin Sloane; Q: Who is the head of the new division? Summary: Following the theft and delivery of an ancient sword, Sydney learns that her father had her mother executed to prevent a hitman from assassinating her. Sydney, Jack, Vaughn, Dixon, Marshall, and Nadia are recruited into a "legitimate SD-6" black ops division of the CIA dubbed "APO" (Authorized Personnel Only). The new division is headed by alleged "former villain" Arvin Sloane.
SPACE We see the stars explode as AMY does a voice-over. AMY: (V.O.) Life with the Doctor was like this -- We are bombarded with scenes of AMY and RORY'S travels with the DOCTOR. AMY: (V.O.) Real life? Was like this -- INT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, KITCHEN, JULY, DAY RORY is sorting laundry as AMY goes through the refrigerator. The answer machine clicks on. ANSWER MACHINE: It's Lens Opticians. Just to remind you your reading glasses are ready for collection. Bye! AMY: Milk, two months out of date. Yogurt. (takes container out and opens it) Aah! (drops it to the floor) Don't ask. RORY: (sniffs shirt before standing) We've run out of washing tablets. (tosses box over his shoulder) EXT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, BACK GARDEN, JULY, DAY AMY and RORY are sitting in the garden having tea. RORY: We have two lives: Real life and Doctor life. It doesn't feel like real life gets much of a look-in. AMY: What do we do? RORY: Choose. The TARDIS engines sound and AMY and RORY turn around. AMY: Not today, though. RORY: Nah, not today. We get more flashbacks to their travels with the DOCTOR, some of the slower, more emotional times. AMY: (V.O.) Every time we flew away with the Doctor, we'd just become part of his life, but he never stood still long enough to become part of ours. Except, once... INT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, MASTER BEDROOM, NIGHT AMY and RORY are asleep in bed. A small, black cube appears in midair and floats over to rest on a side-table. AMY: (V.O.) The year of the slow invasion. The time the Doctor came to stay. [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith [SCENE_BREAK] Karen Gillan [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur Darvill "The Power of Three" By Chris Chibnall PRODUCER Marcus Wilson DIRECTOR Saul Metzstein [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, FRONT, JULY, DAY BRIAN is ringing the doorbell incessantly. RORY opens the window and he and AMY look out RORY: Dad, it's half-past 6:00 in the morning. BRIAN: What are you doing lying around? (holds up one of the cubes) Haven't you seen them? BRIAN turns around, arms open. RORY and AMY see there are cubes everywhere: on the street, cars, window ledges and the park. AMY and RORY quickly join BRIAN outside on the street. RORY: What are they? BRIAN: Nobody knows. But they're everywhere. AMY: Well, where have they come from? Wait. (sees something across the street in the park) The DOCTOR is sitting on the top of a children's jungle gym examining a cube with a magnifying glass. AMY: Doctor. DOCTOR: (turns around) Invasion of the very small cubes. That's new. TV A variety of reporters talk on the appearance of the cubes. REPORTER 1: World leaders are appealing for calm. REPORTER 2: The global appearance of millions of small cubes. (reporters overlap) Despite official warnings, people have been taking the cubes from the streets, into offices and homes. REPORTER 1: What are they? REPORTER 2: Where did they come from? REPORTER 1: And why are they here? BRIAN COX: (holding a cube) Well, they're certainly not random space debris. They're too perfectly formed for that. Are they extraterrestrial in origin? Well, you'll have to ask a better man than me. INT. TARDIS AMY, RORY and BRIAN are at the console as the DOCTOR examines a cube. DOCTOR: All absolutely identical. Not a single molecule's difference between them. No blemishes, imperfections, individualities. BRIAN: What if they're bombs? Billions of tiny bombs. Or transport capsules, maybe, with a minirobot inside. Or deadly hard drives. Or alien eggs. Or messages needing decoding. Or they're all parts of a bigger whole. Jigsaw puzzles that need fitting together. DOCTOR: Very thorough, Brian. Very, very thorough. Well done. Stay here. Watch these. (gives BRIAN his cube) Yell if anything happens. (walks away) RORY pats his dad on the arm and follows the DOCTOR. AMY: Doctor, is this an alien invasion? Because that's what it feels like. AMY and RORY help the DOCTOR carry equipment. RORY: There couldn't be life forms in every cube, could there? DOCTOR: I don't know. And I really don't like not knowing. INT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, PARLOR, JULY, DAY The DOCTOR steps out of the TARDIS, followed by AMY and RORY and walks through to the kitchen. DOCTOR: Right, I need to use your kitchen as a lab... INT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, KITCHEN, JULY, DAY RORY sets down equipment as the DOCTOR fills a pot with water. DOCTOR: ...cook up some cubes, see what happens. RORY: Right. I'm due at work. DOCTOR: What? You've got a job? RORY: Yeah, of course I've got a job. What do you think we do when we're not with you? DOCTOR: I imagine mostly kissing. RORY shrugs. AMY: I write travel articles for magazines and Rory heals the sick. RORY: My shift starts in an hour. You don't know where my scrubs are? AMY: In the lounge, where you left them. The DOCTOR looks at AMY, unused to the domesticity. EXT. STREET, DAY Black Land Rovers drive up the alley and armed men surround the house. MAN: (over radio) Approach each side. Nonterrestrial life form detected. Target unconfirmed. May be hostile. EXT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, FRONT, JULY, DAY Soldiers prepare to storm the house through the front door. SOLDIER: (into radio) Approaching source now. Area will be secure in 60 seconds. Ultimate force available. INT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, KITCHEN, JULY, DAY The DOCTOR is setting up equipment with help from AMY. DOCTOR: Ehh, the Ponds. With their house and their jobs and their everyday lives. The journalist and the nurse. Long way from Leadworth. AMY: We think it's been 10 years. Not for you or Earth, but for us. 10 years older, 10 years of you. On and off. DOCTOR: Look at you now. All grown up. The front door bursts open and soldiers rush into the house. SOLDIER: (over radio) Block the rear entrances. SOLDIER: Clear! SOLDIER: (over radio) Cut -- power line. SOLDIER: (holds gun on AMY and the DOCTOR) Trap One. Kitchen secured. AMY and the DOCTOR turn around to see armed soldiers at the kitchen door. SOLDIER: (over radio) Trap three. Back garden secured. They turn back as RORY is marched back into the kitchen. He has his hands up and is wearing no trousers. RORY: There are soldiers all over my house and I'm in my pants. AMY: My whole life, I've dreamed of saying that, and I miss it by being someone else. A WOMAN in her late-forties enters the house, strolling casually between the armed soldiers towards the kitchen. WOMAN: All these muscles, and they still don't know how to knock. Sorry about the raucous entrance. Spike in artron energy reading at this address. In the light of the last 24 hours, we had to check it out and, uh, the dogs do love a runout. Hello. Kate Stewart, head of scientific research at UNIT. And, with dress sense like that... (holds a scanner in front of the DOCTOR'S chest) You must be the Doctor. I hoped it'd be you. DOCTOR: Tell me, since when did science run the military, Kate? KATE: Since me. UNIT's been adapting. Well, I dragged them along, kicking and screaming, which made it sound like more fun than it actually was. DOCTOR: What do we know about these cubes? KATE: (walks further into the kitchen) Far less than we need to. We've been freighting them in from around the world for testing. So far, we've subjected them to temperatures of +/-200° Celsius, simulated a water depth of 5 miles, dropped one out of a helicopter at 10,000 feet and rolled our best tank over it. Always intact. DOCTOR: That's impressive. I don't want them to be impressive. I want them vulnerable, with a nice Achilles's heel. KATE: We don't know how they got here, what they're made of, or why they're here. DOCTOR: And all around the world, people are picking them up and taking them home. KATE: Like iPads have dropped out of the sky. Taking them to work, taking pictures, making films, posting them on Flickr and YouTube. Within 3 hours, the cubes had 1,000 separate Twitter accounts. DOCTOR: (disgusted) Twitter! KATE: I've recommended we treat this as a hostile incursion. Gather them all up and lock them in a secure facility, but that would take massive international agreement and cooperation. DOCTOR: We need evidence. The cubes arrived in plain sight, in vast quantities, as the sun rose. So what does that tell us? (puts his arms over AMY and RORY'S shoulders) AMY: Maybe they wanted to be seen, noticed. DOCTOR: Well, more than that. They want to be observed. So we observe them. Stay with them, round the clock. Watch the cubes. (tosses a cube in the air and catches it) Day and night. Record absolutely everything about them. Team cube, in it together. (kisses the cube) INT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, LOUNGE, DAY The DOCTOR is lying upside-down on the sofa between RORY and AMY staring at the cubes. DOCTOR: (V.O.) Four days. Nothing! (grabs a cube) Nothing! Not a single change in any cube, (slaps cube) anywhere in the world. (puts cube back on the table a sits up) Four days! And I'm still in your lounge! AMY: You were the one who wanted to observe them. DOCTOR: Yes, well, I thought they'd do something, didn't I? Not just sit there while everyone eats endless cereal! (gets up and paces) RORY: You said we had to be patient. DOCTOR: Yes, you, you! Not me! I hate being patient! Patience is for wimps! (sits back down) I can't live like this. Don't make me. I need to be busy. AMY: Fine! Be busy! We'll watch the cubes! The DOCTOR gets up and hurries from the house. DOCTOR: Yes. EXT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, DAY The DOCTOR rushes through painting a fence and kicking a football. DOCTOR: (kicking football) 98, 99, 100. He moves on to mowing the lawn, working on the car engine and vacuuming the house. DOCTOR: (kicking football) 4,999,000, 5 million. (ends by cradling the ball on his back) INT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, LOUNGE, DAY The DOCTOR leaps over the back of the sofa and slips into place between RORY and AMY. DOCTOR: That's better. Nothing like a bit of activity to pass the time. How long was I gone? RORY: (checks watch) Uh, about an hour. DOCTOR: I can't do it. No.(gets up and jumps over the back of the sofa and heads for the TARDIS) AMY and RORY follow. AMY: Where are you going? INT. TARDIS BRIAN is still sitting in a folding chair watching the cubes. DOCTOR: Brian! You're still here. BRIAN: You told me to watch the cubes. DOCTOR: Four days ago. BRIAN: Oh! Doesn't time fly when you're alone with your thoughts. RORY: You can't just leave, Doctor. Brian stands up. DOCTOR: Yes, course I can. Quick jaunt. Restore sanity. Ooh! (snaps fingers) Hey! (drapes his arms over RORY and AMY) Come, if you like. BRIAN: They can't just go off like that. DOCTOR: Can't they? Can't you? That's how it goes, isn't it? RORY: I've got my job. DOCTOR: Oh, yes, Rory, the universe is awaiting, but you have a little job to go to. RORY: It's not little. It's important to me. Look, what you do isn't all there is. DOCTOR: I never said it was. All right, fine. I'll be back, soon. Monitor the cubes. Call me. (snaps fingers) I'll have the TARDIS set to every Earth newsfeed. AMY, RORY and BRIAN leave the TARDIS. TV REPORTER 2: The end of a week of cubic questions and theories, but no answers. Could this be the greatest stealth marketing campaign in business history? And, if it is, will those behind it ever come forward and explain exactly what it's for? INT. CLUB, NIGHT, OCTOBER AMY is out with her girlfriend, LAURA. AMY: I'm so pleased for you two. It's about time you made an honest woman of her. LAURA: Amy. About bridesmaids. You've missed quite a few things the last year or two. AMY: I'm so totally there. Whatever you need. INT. HOSPITAL, CORRIDOR, NIGHT RORY and another nurse, RANJIT, are walking down the corridor with a patient on a gurney. RANJIT: Everyone here loves you -- the nurses, the doctors. You're a lifesaver, mate, literally. RORY: Ha ha! Well, thanks. RANJIT: But there are months when we don't see you. We can't do without you. I want you to go full-time. RORY: Full-time? Blimey. Uh -- INT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, MASTER BEDROOM, NIGHT AMY and RORY are sitting up against the headboard drinking tea. RORY: I said yes. I committed. AMY: And I committed to being a bridesmaid, months in advance, like I know I'm going to be here. RORY: So the Doctor's God knows where, the cubes aren't doing anything at all. Did real life just get started? AMY: I like it. RORY: So do I. (sips tea) INT. BRIAN'S HOUSE, PARLOR, DAY BRIAN is setting up a video camera. RORY comes in with tea. BRIAN: (over camera) Brian's log. Day 67. RORY: You can't call it that. "Brian's log"? (sits) BRIAN: Brian's log. Day 67. Cube was quiet all night, once again. Cube was quiet all day. As per previously, no movement, no change in measurements. End of entry. (switches off camera) RORY: You stay up and watch it all the time? BRIAN: I film it while I'm asleep. When I wake up, I watch the footage on fast-forward. I email the result to UNIT. My middle name is diligence. RORY: (sarcastic) Wow! I can't wait to see day 68. BRIAN: Don't mock my log. I'm doing what the Doctor asked. INT. HOSPITAL, WAITING ROOM, DAY, DECEMBER RORY enters the room with a file and calls on the next patient. Slade's "Merry Xmas Everybody" plays over the speakers. RORY: Uh, Mr. Ryan, please. MR RYAN is a young man with his foot stuck in a toilet. RORY: Again? RORY wheels MR. RYAN out of the room. Sitting on the last chair in the row is a young girl. Her eyes briefly glow blue as does the cube she is holding on her lap. INT. HOSPITAL, EXAM ROOM, DAY, DECEMBER A MAN is lying on the bed reading a book. He checks his watch with a sigh. An NURSE enters the room, mask over his nose and mouth, and closes the curtain behind him. MAN: I'm fine. I've been done. There is a cube on the side table. NURSE: What seems to be the matter? MAN: I'm just waiting for a prescription. NURSE: Where does it hurt? A second nurse enters. MAN: I said, "I'm fine." Will you tell your colleague here that I -- stop! The second nurse leans over the man, hand on his shoulder. The MAN pulls off the mask to reveal a snout-shaped opening in place of a nose and mouth. He pulls the mask off the first nurse who looks the same as the second. He screams. The GIRL from the waiting room stands there impassively and watches. The cube on the side table swirls blue. INT. HOSPITAL, CORRIDOR, DAY The two nurses run the gurney down an empty corridor towards a lift. INT. MISC. WORKPLACES, DAY The cubes are used in various ways from golf hazards to paperweights EXT. STREET, DAY The cubes pile up beside recycle bins and overflow garbage bins. EXT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, BACK GARDEN, JUNE, DAY AMY and RORY have friends over for a cookout. RORY and BRIAN are at the grill. AMY is on her mobile as she walks around the yard. AMY: (into phone) Hey! Doctor, it's me. Hello. So, the U.N. classified the cubes as "provisionally safe," whatever that means, and Banksy and Damien Hirst put out a statement saying the cubes are nothing to do with them. And the cubes? Well, they're just...here, still. What's it been,9 months? People are just taking them for granted. Maybe we'll never know why they came, but, anyway, I got to Laura's wedding. It was great. She's here tonight. Being as it's our wedding anniversary, we thought you might've dropped by. I left you messages. The DOCTOR walks up behind AMY, a large bouquet of flowers in front of him. DOCTOR: I know! (hands AMY flowers) Happy anniversary! (turns back into the house) Come with me. And bring your husband. (claps hands) AMY looks at RORY and they follow the DOCTOR. INT. HOTEL ROOM, DAY The DOCTOR steps out of the TARDIS followed by AMY and RORY in period evening dress. DOCTOR: 26th of June 1819. The recently opened Savoy Hotel. Dinner, bed, and breakfast for two. (a chef walks by with covered plate) Bonjour, bonjour, merci, Auguste. You'll be back before the party's over. They won't even notice you went. No complications, I promise. RORY takes the DOCTOR'S face in both hands and kisses him resoundingly on the cheek. DOCTOR: Ooh! The DOCTOR enters the TARDIS. RORY laughs and AMY squeals in excitement. EXT. STREET, DAY The DOCTOR, AMY and RORY are sitting on the edge of the road. It's snowing and AMY and RORY are all disheveled. DOCTOR: Bit of a shock, Zygon ship under the Savoy, half the staff imposters. Still! It's all fixed now, eh? INT. ROOM, DAY The DOCTOR, AMY and RORY run into a wood-paneled room covered with rich draperies. The DOCTOR leaps on the bed. AMY: (cross) I thought we were going home! DOCTOR: You can't miss a good wedding. Under the bed. Under the bed! The DOCTOR and RORY crawl under the bed followed by AMY. Outside the room we hear a walking stick and a muffled voice. MAN: ... King of England! The DOCTOR shushes with a finger to his lips. AMY: It wasn't my fault. RORY: It was totally your fault, AMY: Somebody was talking and I just said "yes." RORY: To wedding vows. You just married Henry VIII on our anniversary. We see the feet and legs of Henry VIII as he enters the room. The DOCTOR sneezes and RORY buries his head in his hands. DOCTOR: Sorry. EXT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, BACK GARDEN, JUNE, NIGHT RORY and AMY are home in time for the anniversary toast. As other cheer, BRIAN walks over to the DOCTOR. AMY: (hugs RORY) Hey! Hey! BRIAN: How long were they away? DOCTOR: I don't know what you're talking about, Brian. BRIAN: Because they're wearing totally different clothes from earlier. DOCTOR: Seven weeks. I got sidetracked. A lot. BRIAN: What happened to the other people who traveled with you? DOCTOR: Uh, some left me, some got left behind, and some -- not many, but -- some died. Not them. Not them, Brian. Never them. The DOCTOR and BRIAN look over at RORY and AMY who are laughing and chatting with friends. LATER The party is over and it's just the DOCTOR, AMY and RORY. AMY is turning a cube over in her hand. DOCTOR: (hesitantly) Can I... stay here? With you. And Rory. For a bit. Keep an eye on the cubes. However long that takes. AMY: I thought it would drive you mad. DOCTOR: No. No no. I mean, I'll be better at it this time. I... (fingers shrub) miss you. INT. BRIAN'S HOUSE, PARLOR, DAY, JULY BRIAN is working on his log. BRIAN: Brian's log. Day 361. (checks watch) 8:50 pm. No movement. (switches off camera and yawns) And I am cream crackered. BRIAN leans back in his chair and stares at the cube. He soon nods off. TV "The Apprentice" is on. LORD SUGAR: I sent you out to sell as many cubes as you could in 24 hours and look at you, you've made a right hash of it, haven't you? Well, Craig, you're fired. INT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, LOUNGE, DAY AMY, the DOCTOR and RORY are sitting on the couch, eating fish fingers and custard while watching TV. DOCTOR: (mouthful) If I had a restaurant, this would be all I'd serve. AMY: Yeah, right. You, running a restaurant. DOCTOR: I've run restaurants. Who do you think invented the Yorkshire pudding? RORY: (chuckles) You didn't. DOCTOR: Pudding, yet savory. Sound familiar? INT. BRIAN'S HOUSE, PARLOR, DAY The cube on BRIAN'S table vibrates and he wakes with a jerk. He stares at the cube before dozing off again. The cube spins and BRIAN just catches it before it stops. He reaches forward to switch on the camera. BRIAN: Do it again. INT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY RORY wipes the kitchen table, lifting a cube out of the way. He walks back to the sink as AMY enters the room and gives him a huge hug from behind. AMY: Good job, mister. Civilization saved, surfaces wiped. What more could any woman ask for? (chuckles) I mean it. (kisses RORY) RORY: Where's the Doctor? AMY: On the Wii again. I'm going for a bath. AMY leaves and RORY turns back to the sink. On the table, the cube opens for a few seconds. RORY looks over and it's closed. INT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, LOUNGE, DAY The DOCTOR is playing a very exciting tennis match on the Wii. DOCTOR: Oh! (hands up in the air and climbs on the sofa) That's second set: Doctor! Ha ha! Oh, if Fred Perry could see me now, eh? He'd probably ask for his shorts back. INT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, MASTER BEDROOM, DAY AMY enters the room and prepares for her bath. On her bureau, a cube glows blue. AMY walks over and looks at it from the same level as the top of the bureau. She reaches her hand out to pick it up but pulls back. The top of the cube shows a square of rows of small needles. AMY looks at her palm that now shows marks from the needles. The needles retract into the cube and then the sides of the cube display her heartbeat. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY RORY turns away from the sink in time to see the cube on the table open. He rushes over to look and it closes. He pulls back and it opens. He looks forward and it closes again. INT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, LOUNGE, DAY As the DOCTOR continues to play, a cube hovers about him. AMY: Third set, decider. Come on, then. Out of the way, dear, I'm trying to - (sees the cube) Whatever you are, this planet, these people, are precious to me. And I will defend them to my last breath. Is that all you can do, hover? I had a metal dog could do that. (the cube opens showing the muzzle of a gun) Ooh! Ooh, that's clever. What's that? (the cube fires) Whew! The DOCTOR ducks behind the sofa. He peers underneath the sofa and sees the cube which fires at him again. He runs out of the room. The cube hovers in front of the tea, uploading all the information. DOCTOR: (peers around the corner) Ooh, you really have woken up. INT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, HALL, DAY RORY comes running from the kitchen. RORY: Doctor! Hi. The cube in there, it just opened? AMY: (runs down the stairs) The cube upstairs just spiked me and took my pulse! DOCTOR: (laughs) Really?! Mine fired laser bolts and, now, it's surfing the net! BRIAN enters the house and closes the door. BRIAN: You're never going to believe this. My cube just moved. It rattled. The DOCTOR laughs and goes back to watch the cube as RORY'S mobile rings. RORY: Hello? INT. HOSPITAL, WAITING ROOM, DAY RANJIT is on the other end of the call. RANJIT: Rory, mate, I'm desperate for help. People are saying they've been attacked by the cubes. It's going to be a long night. RORY: (over phone) Okay. I'm on my way. The girl is still sitting on her chair, the cube on her lap glowing blue. INT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, HALL, DAY RORY: (ends call and puts phone in his pocket) I have to get to work. They need all the help they can get. BRIAN: Let me come help out. RORY: Take your dad to work night, brilliant! (to AMY) Okay, are you going to be all right here? AMY: (kisses RORY) Keep away from the cubes. RORY: All right. RORY and BRIAN leave. The DOCTOR steps out - now wearing his jacket - from the lounge smiling as he looks at the psychic paper. AMY: What are you grinning about? DOCTOR: We're wanted at the Tower of London. (puts psychic paper in jacket pocket and heads for door) EXT. TOWER OF LONDON, NIGHT A BEEFEATER opens the car door for the DOCTOR. BEEFEATER: Sir. (salutes) INT. TOWER OF LONDON, HALL, NIGHT KATE is walking with the DOCTOR, explaining the summons while AMY walks behind them. KATE: Every cube across the whole world activated at the same moment. DOCTOR: Now we're in business. You sent me a message to my psychic paper. You know, I'm almost impressed. AMY: Secret base beneath the Tower? I hope we're not here because we know too much. KATE: Yes, I've got officers trained in beheading. Also, ravens of death. (walks away) AMY: I like her. DOCTOR: Yeah. INT. TOWER OF LONDON, LARGE HALL, NIGHT KATE brings AMY and the DOCTOR into a room where the cubes are being monitored in sealed rooms. KATE: There are 50 being monitored and more coming in all the time. I don't know how useful it is. Every cube is behaving individually. There's no meaningful pattern. Some respond to proximity, some create mood swings. AMY: What's this one? KATE: Try the door. AMY opens the door to the chamber only to hear "The Chicken Dance". The DOCTOR plugs his ears. KATE: On a loop! AMY closes the door quickly. INT. TOWER OF LONDON, COMPUTER ROOM, NIGHT They enter a large room lined with banks of computer screens. KATE: This is the latest. DOCTOR: Oh, dear. (types on keyboard) Systems breach at the Pentagon, China, every African nation, the Middle East. KATE: I've got governments screaming for explanations and no idea what to tell them. I'm lost, Doctor. We all are. DOCTOR: Don't despair, Kate. Your dad never did. (KATE stares at him) Kate Stewart. Heading up UNIT, changing the way they work. How could you not be? Why did you drop "Lethbridge"? KATE: I didn't want any favors. Though he guided me, even to the end. "Science leads," he always told me, said he'd learnt that from an old friend. DOCTOR: We don't let him down. We don't let this planet down. An alert beeps. TECH: They've stopped. The cubes. Across the world. They just shut down. KATE: Active for 47 minutes and then they just die? DOCTOR: Not dead. Dormant, maybe. AMY: Then why shut down? DOCTOR: I don't know. I don't know. I need to think. I need some air. Who has an underground base? Terrible ventilation! The DOCTOR strides out of the room and AMY runs to catch up. EXT. TOWER OF LONDON, NIGHT AMY and the DOCTOR are sitting shoulder-to-shoulder on a wall overlooking the Thames. DOCTOR: The moment they arrived, I should've made sure they were collected and burned. That is what I should've done. AMY: How? Nobody would've listened. DOCTOR: You're thinking of stopping, aren't you? You and Rory. AMY: No, no, I mean, we haven't made a decision. DOCTOR: But you're considering it. AMY: Maybe. I don't know. We don't know. Well, our lives have changed so much. There was a time -- there were years -- when I couldn't live without you. (chuckles) Um, when just the whole everyday thing would drive me crazy. But since you dropped us back here, since you gave us this house, you know, we've built a life. But I don't know if I can have both. DOCTOR: Why? AMY: Because they pull at each other. Because they pull at me and because the traveling is starting to feel like running away. DOCTOR: That's not what it is. AMY: Oh, come on, look at you. Four days in a lounge and you go crazy. DOCTOR: I'm not running away. This is one corner of one country, in one continent on one planet that's a corner of a galaxy, that's a corner of a universe that is forever growing and shrinking and creating and destroying and never remaining the same for a single millisecond and there is so much, so much, to see, Amy. Because it goes so fast. I'm not running away from things. I'm running to them, before they flare and fade forever. It's all right. Our lives won't run the same. They can't. One day, soon, maybe, you'll stop. I've known for a while. AMY: Then why do you keep coming back for us? DOCTOR: Because you were the first. The first face this face saw. And you were seared onto my hearts. Amelia Pond. You always will be. I'm running to you and Rory before you fade from me. AMY: (puts head on his shoulder) Don't be nice to me. (cries) I don't want you to be nice to me. DOCTOR: Yeah, you do, Pond. (leans his head on AMY's head) And you always get what you want. (suddenly realizes what's happening) They got what they wanted. AMY: What? (sits up) Who did? DOCTOR: (slaps cheeks) The cubes. That's why they stopped. Come on. INT. TOWER OF LONDON, HALL, NIGHT The DOCTOR and AMY catch up with KATE. DOCTOR: Kate? Before they shut down, they scanned everything, from your medical limits to your military response patterns. They made a complete assessment (the lights go out) of planet Earth (scans with sonic) and its inhabitants. That's what the surge of activity was. Problem with the power? KATE: (holds lit torch) Not possible. We've got backups. DOCTOR: Hmm. (uses sonic and walks away) AMY and KATE follow. INT. TOWER OF LONDON, LARGE HALL, NIGHT The cubes in their individual chambers each bear the number 7 in blue light. AMY: Doctor. Look. DOCTOR: What? (walks over to AMY) AMY: Why do they all say "7"? DOCTOR: Seven. What's important about seven? Seven wonders of the world. Seven streams of the River Ota. Seven sides of a cube. AMY: A cube has 6 sides. DOCTOR: (scans the cube) Not if you count the inside. The cube changes to "6". INT. MISC. WORKPLACES, DAY The cubes have changed to "6" EXT. STREET, DAY The cubes have changed to "6" INT. TOWER OF LONDON, COMPUTER ROOM, DAY DOCTOR: It has to be a countdown. KATE: Not in minutes. DOCTOR: Why would it be minutes, Kate? We have to get humanity away from those cubes. God knows what they'll do, if they hit zero. Get the information out any way you can: news channels, web sites, radio, text messages. People have to know that the cubes are dangerous. AMY: Okay, but why is it starting now? I mean, the cubes arrived months ago. Why wait this long? DOCTOR: Because they're clever. Allow people enough time to collect them, take them in to their homes, their lives. Humans, the great early adopters. And then wham! Profile every inch of Earth's existence. KATE: Discover how best to attack us. DOCTOR: Get that information out any way you can. Go. (goes to tech station) Right, every cube was activated. There must be signals, energy fluctuations on a colossal scale. There must be some trace. There can't not be. (turns to look at AMY and KATE) We need to think of all the variables, all the possibilities, okay? Go go go go go! KATE and AMY rush off. TV KATE has done her job and the news is getting the word out about the cubes. REPORTER 1: This is a national security alert. The government advises that members of the public dispose of all cubes. If there are cubes inside your house, remove them immediately. The cubes count down to "4" INT. HOSPITAL, CORRIDOR, DAY A nurse is gathering cubes from a tray. RORY walks by, his arm on the shoulder of another nurse. RORY: Right, get them out of the building. Just away from here, as far as you can. And get back here before it hits zero. (walks over to BRIAN who is looking at an IV) Dad, could you go and get me a box of tape for dressings? It's just the cupboard round the corner. BRIAN: Yes, boss. BRIAN moves to another corridor that is completely empty. He looks back and is nearly run over by two nurses pushing a gurney. They have masks covering their faces. BRIAN: Sorry, excuse me. (the men stop) I'm looking for the supplies cupboard. I said, "I'm looking for the supplies cupboard." The two nurses slowly turn around and approach BRIAN. INT. HOSPITAL, WAITING ROOM, DAY The GIRL still sits in the chair. The cube in her lap changes to "3". INT. HOSPITAL, CORRIDOR, DAY RORY is looking for BRIAN. RORY: Have you seen my dad? NURSE: No, sorry. RORY finds himself in the same corridor. He looks one way and sees no one. He looks the other way and sees BRIAN on the gurney being pushed by the two men. RORY: Hey. Dad. (runs after the men) Hey! Hey! The men run for the lift as RORY chases after them. They enter the lift and one presses a button. The doors are closed when RORY arrives. They are lined with tape that reads "Do Not Use". He presses the call button. The doors open and the lift is empty. INT. HOSPITAL, LIFT, DAY The doors close as RORY pounds on the side walls. He then faces the back wall and tentatively reaches out a hand and touches the back wall. It shimmers and ripples. Knowing his father is on the other side, RORY walks through. SPACE There is a large ship in orbit above the Earth. INT. SHIP RORY enters through the portal and finds himself in a room that has patients from the hospital lying on plinths around the edge. INT. TOWER OF LONDON, LARGE HALL, DAY The DOCTOR is looking through the window into one of the chambers. The cube inside reads "3". AMY: Doctor, please, you don't have to do this. KATE: She's right. You don't have to be in there. We can do this remotely. The DOCTOR turns around to face AMY and KATE. DOCTOR: Remotely isn't my style. See you after. The DOCTOR kisses his fingertips and taps AMY on the head before opening the door to the chamber. He sits in the chair and gives the cube a spin as he waits. He looks at AMY and KATE who put on fake, hopeful smiles. INT. MISC. WORKPLACES, DAY The cubes have changed to "2" INT. TOWER OF LONDON, LARGE HALL, DAY The DOCTOR leans back against the wall. The cube changes to "1". INT. HOSPITAL, WAITING ROOM, DAY The GIRL still sits in the chair with the cube in her lap. INT. MISC. WORKPLACES, DAY The cubes have changed to "1" INT. TOWER OF LONDON, LARGE HALL, DAY The cube hits "0" and then goes dark. The DOCTOR looks over at AMY and KATE. The lid to the cube slides open. DOCTOR: Geronimo. AMY and KATE lean forward KATE: What's happening? The DOCTOR leans forward and looks inside the cube. It's empty. AMY: Well, what's in there? DOCTOR: There is nothing in here. AMY: Well, that's good? You know, it's not bombs, it's not aliens. DOCTOR: Why? Why is there nothing inside? Why? It doesn't make any sense! (leaves the chamber) INT. TOWER OF LONDON, COMPUTER ROOM, DAY The DOCTOR strides into the room where the TECH is watching a variety of screens with views from street cameras. People are just walking past the cubes on the ground, ignoring them. DOCTOR: Glasses, is it the same? Is it the same all around the world? KATE: They're empty. We're safe. Right? DOCTOR: No. No no no no. We are very far from safe. All along, every action has been deliberate. Why draw attention to the cubes, if they don't contain anything? AMY: Doctor, look. The monitors are showing people on the streets gripping their chests and collapsing to the ground. TECH: They're CCTV feeds from across the world, showing the same. KATE: People are dying. DOCTOR: No. What? They can't be dying. How? How are they dying? KATE: I want information on how people are being affected. DOCTOR: The cubes brought people close together. They opened and - (grabs chest and falls into chair with cry of pain) AMY: Doctor, what's the matter? DOCTOR: Uh! Ah! I don't know! TECH: Posters are logging a global surge in heart failure, cardiac arrest. DOCTOR: That's it. Ah! Ah! Oh. Only one heart. Other one's not working. (pounds chest) AMY: Okay! I'm going to get you to the hospital. (spins the chair) DOCTOR: No no no no no! Just a second. Turn around, turn around, turn around. (pushes the chair back to the desk) Come, show me 10 seconds after the cubes opened. Show me the patterns in their electrical current. See? KATE: No! DOCTOR: Yes, the power cut. They sucked the power and then -- aah! They're signal boxes! People -- wham! Pure electrical surge out of the cube, targeted at the nearest human heart. The heart!(slaps the TECH'S chest) An organ powered by electrical current, short-circuited. How to destroy a human? Go for the heart. Ow! Crikey Moses! KATE: Doctor, the scan you set running. The transmitter locations. It's found them. DOCTOR: (still fighting the pain) Oh, look at them all, pulsing, bold as brass. Seven of them, all across the world. (pounds chest) Ow! Seven stations, seven minutes. Why is that important? Ah-aaah! Ha ha ha ow! Ow! (looks at AMY) How do you people manage one heart? It is pitiful! The wormhole. Bridging two dimensions. Seven of them, hitched on to this planet. But -- but - but where's the closest one? Glasses, zoom in. The TECH zooms in on London and further in on a building. AMY: That's the hospital where Rory works. INT. SHIP RORY looks around and spots the gurney bearing BRIAN. RORY: Dad. Dad! (runs towards BRIAN but stops when he sees the two "nurses) Just get away from him. The "nurses" pull hypodermics like weapons and advance on RORY. INT. HOSPITAL, HALL, DAY The DOCTOR, AMY and KATE enter the hospital. The DOCTOR has a hand over his chest. DOCTOR: How many deaths have been recorded? KATE: We don't know. We think it could be a third of the population. DOCTOR: Kate, I have to find the wormhole. But the attacks could still happen. Tell the world. Tell them how to deal this. The world needs your leadership right now. KATE: I'll do my best. DOCTOR: Yeah, of course you will. Good luck. Kate. KATE leaves. DOCTOR: Ahh! Agh! (falls against a wall) AMY: Okay, how long are you going to last with only one heart? (puts his arm over her shoulder and helps) DOCTOR: Not much longer. (scans with sonic) I need to locate the wormhole portal. Hello. Hello! (turns it towards the GIRL) Oh. Hello. (walks over to GIRL) You are giving off some very strange signals. The GIRL'S face and eyes glow blue. AMY: Oh, my God. DOCTOR: Outlier droid monitoring everything. If I shut her down, I can (aims the sonic at her neck) -- Ah. It's all right. It's all right. (the girl sways and he tries to gently lower her to the floor) Amy, I can't, Amy! (slides to the floor) I can't do it. I need both hearts. Ah! Aah! AMY looks around in desperation and finds a defibrillator on the other side of the hall. She grabs it. AMY: All right, desperate measures. DOCTOR: (now lying on the floor) What? No! No no no no. That won't work. I'm a Time Lord! Ah, Amy! AMY opens the DOCTOR'S shirt. AMY: All right, clear! (applies the charge) DOCTOR: (sits up quickly) Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! (stands invigorated) Welcome back, Lefty. Whoa-hoa! Two hearts. (dances) Whoo! (strikes "Saturday Night Fever" pose) Back in the game. (kisses AMY'S forehead) Never do that to me again. (walks down the hall) INT. HOSPITAL, HALL NEAR LIFT, DAY The lift doors open and the DOCTOR and AMY peer inside. AMY: (disappointed) Oh, portal to another dimension in a goods lift? DOCTOR: (checks sonic) The energy signals converge here. Does seem a bit cramped, though. INT. HOSPITAL, LIFT, DAY They step into the lift. The back wall ripples. The DOCTOR pokes it with his finger. AMY and the DOCTOR share a smile. DOCTOR: Through the looking-glass, Amelia. They hold hands and step through the portal. INT. SHIP AMY and the DOCTOR arrive in the same room. AMY: Where are we? DOCTOR: We're in orbit. One dimension to the left. RORY is lying unconscious on a table at the end of the row. BRIAN is on the gurney next to him. AMY: Rory! The DOCTOR reaches into his pocket and tosses a small jar to AMY as he crosses to RORY'S other side. DOCTOR: Seborean smelling salts. Outlawed in seven galaxies. AMY holds the smelling salts under RORY'S nose. RORY sits up at the very moment they are shot at. They duck behind the table. DOCTOR: Whoa-hoa! Whoa! What kind of a welcome do you call that? (to AMY) Get them out of here. You too. Now. AMY: What are you going to do?! The DOCTOR pushes the gurney towards AMY. She uses the salts on BRIAN and he sits up. DOCTOR: Absolutely no idea. Get him through the portal. The DOCTOR helps push the gurney until they are fired at again. The DOCTOR sees a lone bald figure dressed in a black cloak. Its skin is heavily cracked and wrinkled. BEING: So many of them, crawling the planet, seeping into every corner. AMY and RORY pull the gurney out of the room as BRIAN sits up, stunned. The BEING disappears in a flash of light only to reappear at the computer screen. It is only a hologram. The DOCTOR stands on the other side of the screen and looks at the BEING. DOCTOR: It's not possible. I thought the Shakri were a myth. A myth to keep the young of Gallifrey in their place. SHAKRI: The Shakri exist in all of time and none. We travel alone and together. The Seven. DOCTOR: The Shakri craft, connected to Earth through 7 portals in 7 minutes. Ah, but why? SHAKRI: Serving the word of the Tally. DOCTOR: Why the cubes? Why Earth? SHAKRI: Not Earth -- Humanity. The Shakri will halt the human plague before the spread. DOCTOR: Erase humanity before it colonizes space. (walks to the same side of the screen) We thought the cubes were an invasion, the start of war. SHAKRI: The human contagion only! Must be eliminated. AMY and RORY come back and stand on either side of the DOCTOR. AMY: Who are you calling a contagion? DOCTOR: Oi! Didn't I tell you two to go? RORY: You should've learnt, by now. AMY: Yeah, and what is this "Tally," anyway? DOCTOR: Some people call it "Judgment Day" or "the Reckoning." AMY: Don't you know? DOCTOR: I've never wanted to find out. SHAKRI: Before the Closure, there is the Tally. The Shakri serves the Tally! DOCTOR: The pest controllers of the universe. That's how the tales went, isn't it? AMY: Wow, that's a seriously weird bedtime story. DOCTOR: You can talk -- wolf in your grandmother's nightdress? So! (claps hands) Here you are, depositing slug pellets all over the Earth, (walks back to the other side of the screen to face the SHAKRI) made attractive so humans will collect them, hoping to find something beautiful inside. Because that's what they are. Not pests or plague -- creatures of hope, forever building and reaching. Making mistakes, of course, every life form does, but -- but -- they learn. And they strive for greater and they achieve it. (walks back to AMY and RORY) You want a tally? Put their achievements against their failings, through the whole of time. I will back humanity against the Shakri every time. SHAKRI: The Tally must be met. The second wave will be released. (taps on the keypad) AMY: What does that mean? DOCTOR: It's going to release more cubes to kill more people. INT. HOSPITAL, CORRIDOR, DAY KATE is on her mobile. KATE: Tell the Secretary General it's not just hospitals and equipment, it's people. Our best hope now is each other. INT. SHIP SHAKRI: The human plague, breeding and fighting. And, when cornered, their rage to destroy. You're too late, Doctor. The Tally shall be met. (disappears) AMY: He's gone? DOCTOR: He was never really here. Just the ship's automated interface. Like a talking propaganda poster. (runs over to the computer) I can stop the second wave. (uses the sonic on the computer) I can disconnect all the Shakri craft from their portals, leave them drifting in the dark space. Ah, but all those people who were near the cubes, so many of them will have died. AMY: I restarted one of your hearts. RORY: You'd need mass defibrillation. DOCTOR: Of course. Ah, beautiful. But, Ponds, Ponds, we're going to go one better than that. The Shakri used the cubes to turn people's hearts off. Bingo! (claps) We're going to use them to turn them back on again. (uses sonic) AMY: Will that work? DOCTOR: Well, creatures of hope. Has to. The readout on the screen changes as the DOCTOR continues to use the sonic. DOCTOR: 30 seconds. Don't let me down, cubes. You're working for me, now. The ship begins to shake violently. DOCTOR: Oh, dear. All those cubes. There's going to be a terrible wave of energy ricocheting around here, any second. Run. (runs) RORY: (looks at AMY) I'm going to miss this. AMY squeals and the two of them run after the DOCTOR. SPACE The ship explodes. INT. HOSPITAL, LIFT, DAY The DOCTOR, AMY and RORY fall to the floor of the lift as they are forced through the portal. INT. TOWER OF LONDON, COMPUTER ROOM, DAY On the computer screens, we see the people getting up slowly. Different techs are standing around watching. REPORTER 2: Emergency hospitals and field units are working at full capacity around the world as millions of survivors of cardiac arrest are nursed back to health after an unprecedented night across the globe. EXT. TOWER OF LONDON, DAY KATE and the DOCTOR walk towards the car. KATE: You -- you really are as remarkable as Dad said. (kisses him on the cheek) Thank you. DOCTOR: My! A kiss from a Lethbridge-Stewart. That is new. (laughs and checks watch) Oh, dear. I'm late for dinner. The DOCTOR holds out his hand and KATE reaches for it. He pulls away before she can shake it and laughs. Before getting in the car, he salutes her. KATE waves goodbye. INT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, KITCHEN, NIGHT The DOCTOR, AMY, RORY and BRIAN are seated at the table having Chinese by candlelight. They are laughing over a story. DOCTOR: (mouthful) Mmm, dear me. I'd better get going. Things to do. Worlds to save, swings to... swing on. The DOCTOR grabs a fortune cookie, stands and heads for the door. AMY looks over at RORY. The DOCTOR turns back and leans over the couple, arms over their shoulders. DOCTOR: Look, I know, you both have lives here, beautiful, messy lives. That is what makes you so fabulously human. You don't want to give them up. I understand. BRIAN: Actually, it's you they can't give up, Doctor. And I don't think they should. Go with him. Go save every world you can find. Who else has that chance? Life will still be here. DOCTOR: You can come, Brian. BRIAN: Somebody's got to water the plants. Just bring them back safe. AMY: (V.O.) So that was the year of the slow invasion, when the Earth got cubed and the Doctor came to stay. EXT. POND/WILLIAMS HOUSE, NIGHT The DOCTOR, RORY and AMY pause outside the TARDIS and look back at BRIAN. AMY: (V.O.) It was also when we realized something the Shakri never understood, what "cubed" actually means: the power of three. RORY and AMY enter the TARDIS. The DOCTOR nods at BRIAN, who waves goodbye, before entering the TARDIS.
Plan: A: the Doctor; Q: Who takes Amy and Rory back as full-time companions? A: the Ponds; Q: Who does the Doctor stay with to investigate the black cubes? A: UNIT; Q: Who does the Doctor leave in charge of the cubes? A: A year; Q: How long does it take for the cubes to start activating? A: random features; Q: What do the cubes suddenly begin activating? A: The Doctor; Q: Who tracks the cubes to the Shakri? A: Shakri; Q: Who wants to eliminate humanity before they can colonize in space? A: an infestation; Q: What do the Shakri believe humanity is? A: the electric pulse; Q: What does the Doctor reverse to destroy the Shakri ship? A: people's hearts; Q: What does the Doctor reverse the electric pulse used to stop? A: Brian; Q: Who urged the Doctor to take Amy and Rory back as full-time companions? Summary: Amy and Rory begin to wonder whether they should choose between normal life and "Doctor life". Many black cubes appear around the world and the Doctor stays with the Ponds to investigate but the cubes are inactive and the Doctor leaves UNIT in charge. A year goes by and the cubes suddenly begin activating random features before stopping the hearts of one third of humanity. The Doctor eventually tracks the cubes to the Shakri, who plan to eliminate humanity before they can colonise in space, believing them to be an infestation. The Doctor reverses the electric pulse used to stop people's hearts and destroys the Shakri ship. At Brian's urging the Doctor takes Amy and Rory back as full-time companions.
ZBZ HOUSE - Living room Ashleigh : Excuse me. This is so freaking stupid. Casey : I don't know who to kill first, Lizzi or myself. Lizzi : Sorry. That was a tod louder than I anticipated. 5 minutes and not a single one of you completed a full rotation. That's disappointing. Rush group A front in center. Speed spot, speed spot! As rush group A, you represent the top conversationalists of this house. I expect you to set an example for rush groups B through F. A rush rotation group should run like a well-oiled machine, so we can keep that potential sisters focused right here, on you, on ZBZ. Ash ? What am I doing? Ashleigh : The signal that the rushee looks bored in the conversation installed, and that you need me to come help you as fast as possible. Lizzi : But it took you 30 seconds to answer Casey's signal. Casey : I think the girls are getting a little tired, and possibly wondering why it is we're practicing on a Friday night, when rush isn't until next year. Lizzi : We do these drills because practice makes perfect, if we wanna get this house back in shape, we need all the perfect we can get. Ashleigh : Angie ? Where are you going? Angie : I can't be here anymore. This sorority has become like a job. Right now, I'm in college so, I don't have to have a job. Casey : This situation is only temporary and, this whole Greek crackdown will blow over eventually. Where's your ZBZ spirit? Angie : I've been faking it, a lot. Lizzi : Girls, I know than loosing a sister brings up difficult emotions, but trust me, I am not some tyrant here to work you to death. Just because I'm a little older, a little wiser, it doesn't mean that I don't need some R&R. ZBZs work hard, and we play hard. Rebecca : Define play. Lizzi : Back at Polytech, we started a book club. We could do the same thing here. The Great Gatsby is one of my favorites. Ashleigh : We'd have to read it? Lizzi : It still resonates, Gatsby is like like the super rich Omega Chi wanna-be. He threw really wild ravaged parties. Rebecca : Who wouldn't wanna read about wild parties rather than have them? CRU - Rusty & Dale's room Calvin : Adieu mister social calendar of the greek system. Never have in our line a newspaper to find something to do. Rusty : Any good movies? Calvin : I've seen 'em all. Movies are all I do these days. I'm starting to worry about pop corn **long?** Rusty : How long you have to wait for Omega Chi to make a decision about you going back? Calvin : I don't know, I'm sort of in a holding pattern. Dale : My purity pledge group is playing biojeopardy tonight There's free refreshment and girls. There was a girl one time. I think it was a girl, I'm almost positive. Calvin : I'm gonna keep looking. Dale : The circus is in town... Last time, I won the entire Rascal Flatt's catalog on CD. Calvin : If you wanna hang out with your KT brothers, I completely understand. Rusty : Wait ! Why don't you hang out with my Kappa Tau brothers forever? Calvin : That sounds harmless. Rusty : No I'm serious, you can pledge KT. You're still technicly just a pledge at Omega Chi, why wait around for them? Calvin : There's been a couple days and no notice. Rusty : We'd have so much fun together. Calvin : Let me think about it. Dale : OK but what are we doing tonight? Calvin : You know what, this guy in my dorm mentioned something about a '70s party Normaly I pull these things off but it could be fun. Dale : The Carpenters are one the greatest most underated duos of all time. Rusty : Do you wanna join us, Dale ? CRU - 70s party's room Dale : It's like I'm living ever. Rusty : I bet the party money went towards the disco bar. Calvin : I think I'm gonna swing by Kappa Tau tomorrow. Credits ZBZ HOUSE - Garden Casey : Here you are. So, I guess we should talk strategy. Lizzi : You, don't worry. This afternoon, I'm gonna pick up a ton of copies of TGG. The Great Gatsby, I think it feel really nice to get for the girls. Casey : You might not have to buy too many since all the girls are quitting. Andrea last night, Annabel last week. Don't get me wrong. I am in love with your book club idea. I think maybe the girls need a bigger moral boost. Lizzi : Something by Dickens, Great Expectations. Little orphans are so cute. Casey : I don't think the book choice is the problem, I think we could all use some real fun, like a party, with actual boys. Lizzi : That's a wonderful idea. Casey : Seriously? Lizzi : Seriously, I love it. A great Gatsby theme party, but educational. Casey : As all parties should be. Lizzi : The roaring '20s, what a wonderfully rich historical period. The fashion and music and prohibition. Casey : Prohibition, like... No liquor? Lizzi : I'm sorry, this chapter is not ready for a party with alcohol. We have to find a place to host because of the rules. Prohibited co and sociolizing in the house. We must check the girls' GPA and their house points to see who can attend. Don't forget about the 11 o'clock curfew. We could have a dance instructor. I'm gonna e-mail Nationals and tell them all about it. They'll be so happy. Casey : So will the girls. KT HOUSE - Garden Cappie : Score one for the pledges. We're gonna have to get rid of your handicap, nice shot Bener. Glad you could make it. Rusty : I didn't know you were golfing today. Ben Bennett : We discussed it at the last meeting. That's right, you weren't there. Cappie : As our brother, you deserve our forgiveness, and our loving ridicule. Line it up. For Curses... Rusty : Hey Cappie ! You met my friend Calvin, I was wondering, if you'd consider taking him as one of our pledges, he dropped out of the Omega Chis. He's smart, really good at sports. Cappie : You'd me at "dropped out of the OCs." Cultivating a new pledge, not to mention stealing one from our arsh enemies, this is what brotherhood is all about. Rusty : I do what I can. Pledges : I'll get it Cappie : You're not sucking up, I'll get it. Which Law & Order are you with? Cop : Can I have to issue you your citation? Open container of an alcoholic beverage. Cappie : Again? There's nothing even here. Except of maybe the tiniest bit of foam. That's not gonna hold up on a court of law. Cop : Try to stay out of trouble. Cappie : Give my love to dean Bowman. Cop : Here's your ball. ZBZ HOUSE - Casey & Ashleigh's room Ashleigh : At least, we're gonna have a party. Casey : I went to wilder parties in elementary school, I can't believe this, it's like I have no control anymore, my relationship with Evan span out of control, I can't manage with Lizzi. Ashleigh : OK stop. Compromise is what comes with territory, you're just being a good president. Casey : I'm a terrible president. The idea is to keep girl from leaving, not drive them away. Frannie'd have found a way around this. Ashleigh : Let's play "What would Frannie do?" Go with me girl. Casey : She'd make Lizzi cry. Ashleigh : And? Casey : Tie her up and put her on a basement somewhere. I don't know. Ashleigh : The Kappa Taus have a basement. Casey : Buffalo Bill, let's put a pin in that. Wait... Ashleigh : You have an idea? Casey : Yeah. CRU - Street Cappie and Rebecca are kissing in her car. Rebecca : You just have got to be the #1 weapon on the fight for abstinence. Cappie : I thought you enjoyed being ravaged by me in super places. Rebecca : It's like we're secret s*x spies. I say we remove cars from our list of spy places. Cappie : We're running out of places, library, aiport, that church. Rebecca : We'll be more creative for the future. Cappie : You believe we have a future together. Rebecca : Hypothetically. In a world where there's no Casey, you're a one-woman men and people don't gossip. Cappie : Miss Logan, I'm surprised you worry about such things. Rebecca : I don't. But maybe you do. Cappie : Outch ! Rebecca : You're not contradicting me. Which is why secret s*x is so appealing right now. No complications. Ok. Get out. I have class and we can't be seen together. It'll blow our cover. Cappie : Fine, but just for the record, you cannot be more wrong. Rebecca : Spies are supposed to be better liers. Enjoy your walk. CRU - Street Rusty : Come by the house this afternoon. I'll show you around. Calvin : I guess I could check it out. Normal fellows, right? Rusty : From the beginning, you were stuck at OC because of your dad. Now you're not stuck with those guys. Calvin : They're were not all bad. Waitress : A cappucino for Evan. Evan : How's it going? Calvin : Good... Just drinking coffee. Evan : We're gonna have a special meeting this week on you coming back. Just hang it tight. Rusty : You guys are losing a great pledge. Evan : I don't think we're losing anybody. Rusty : You have a history of letting great people get away from you. Evan : You know what? I've tried to be nice to you by not kicking your ass. Last semester, I've put up with the digs, with the insults out of respect for Casey. She and I are not together anymore. You do the maths. Calvin : He's just sticking up versus... Rusty : I can do maths. I'm good at it. Evan : I hear a lot of buzzing, but no actual words. That's what insects do. They buzz around, try to sting you. Be careful, insect! Rusty : Some insects are quite deadly. Tse-tse fly can kill you. What? Calvin : Just drinking coffee. KT HOUSE - Cappie's room Cappie : To what do I owe this honor? Casey : Is this a bad time? Cappie : No, I just really need to sit down. Much better... Do you see a clean towel over there? Casey : Honestly... Not really. Cappie : Never mind. What's up? Casey : I wanna say thank you for what you did for us at the... carnival. Cappie : I go where I'm needed. That's what makes me superhero. Casey : I know I haven't really been that super to you in the past. Cappie : Are you in some kind of 12-step program, or something? Casey : Unless they started a one for idiots, who, stripted their lavaliere and are having a hard time getting over it. Cappie : I can give you some pointers there. Not that I've had ex boyfriends. Casey : What I wanna say, Cap', is that I'm hoping you and I can... start over. Just be friends. Cappie : We've definitely tried the other thing, right? Casey : With a lot of fun, but not much success. Cappie : Friend Cappie, at your service. Casey : Thank you. Cappie : What don't you tell me what you really came here for? Casey : Why do you assume... Cappie : Cause even though we're startin' over, we're not really. I know you. Casey : Fair enough. How would the KTs like to party with the ZBZs? Cappie : What kind? Casey : The biggest, baddest most rule-breaking party CRU will never see. Cappie : When you put it like that. We're in. Casey : Good! Is you shirt on inside out and backwards? Cappie : It's just... joggging. KT HOUSE - Living room Rusty : This is the common room. It looks like TV football, viewing party last night. Calvin : You guys surely know how to have a good time. Cappie : Welcome to our temple of good times and life-long brotherhood. Our casa es su casa. We're walkin'. You got any question so far? Calvin : What are your academic requirements? Cappie : Every active member must take one course per semester or you get us skip talking to. Calvin : But I mean, you have to take four course just to be in the Greek system? Cappie : I'll look into that. We're still walking. Here are our lovely gardens. Calvin : Do you have any kind of mentorship program? The OC, they had a lot of connections. You know, CEO and like so. Last summer, bunch of the active did some paid internships. Cappie : That's a good point. Jack Rabbit gives all the active and pledges 20% discount at his hut. Is that what you meant? Calvin : Kind of. It's good. Cappie : And here is the lovely recreation and relaxation room. Excuse me. Rusty : This is Calvin. Wade : You're thinking about the pledging from the Omega Chi. Beaver : Spitter and Quiter. Excellent. Wade : You're awesome. Calvin : Thanks, I think. Rusty : Hey Heath, you met my friend Calvin. Heath : I have. Calvin : On more than one occasion. Rusty : The mystery guy. That's cool. It's weird for me to picture but... completely cool. Calvin : So, how've you been? Heath : Couldn't be better. Cappie : So fellas, I have a little anouncement to make. Join me, in the basement, for a chapter meeting in five. All right, libations will be provided. Rusty : He can stay, right? Cappie : Well, can he keep a secret? Rusty looks Calvin and Heath. Rusty : Oh yeah ! ZBZ HOUSE - Living room Casey : Because, if you can't keep a secret. You should leave the room right now. You all with me? Ashleigh : Can we see a little of the ZBZ swear? Casey : We're going to throw a party. A theme party based on the book "The Great Gatsby". Which we all know is a big Lizzi favorite. There will be great costumes, fun music and a dance instructor that's gonna teach us dances from the 20. Rebecca : Did I just fell asleep with my eyes open? Casey : I haven't finished yet. That's just... the upstairs party. Ashleigh : But downstairs, KT HOUSE - Living room Cappie : A once in a lifetime, down and dirty, secret, Prohibition party, in our old so humble ground. Beaver : A what party? Cappie : A prohibition party, a speakeasy. Here is how it's gonna work. Upstairs, there's gonna be the authority pleasing "Great Gatsby" party. Downstairs, will be a delightful, delicious, Den of inequity. Rusty : You've heard of the 18th amendment? You know, alcohol was illegal in the 20s. Beaver : Is that why they call it the Great Depression? ZBZ HOUSE - Living room Rebecca : This is absurd, Lizzi is never going to allow a speak-easy. Casey : Lizzi's never going to know about it. Pledge : Where are we having this party? Rebecca : What respectable fraternity is ever going to agree to this risk. Casey : It's already arranged. We're doing it in the KT house. KT HOUSE - Living room Beaver : I still have aches from the last time we partied with them. Wade : Score baby. Rusty : I can't believe Casey's endorsing a secret party. Ben Bennett : Those girls are super hot. Beaver : Rebecca Logan is the hottest. Cappie : Gentleman, please, come on. Let's respect the ladies and try to stay on point here. ZBZ HOUSE - Living room Casey : Who here is with me? Ashleigh : It's gonna be awesome. We'll wear flapper dresses and garter belts. Pledge : So we throw this dangerous party. What do we do if Lizzi finds out about the secret room? Casey : We could loose our social calendar. Pledge : What? That's not acceptable. Ashleigh : The only thing I've got on the calendar, is a group trip to the outlet mall in four weeks. Casey : What I should say is that we really got nothing to loose. Pledge : What if it gets back to dean Bowman and the administration? We could get seriously busted. Casey : Then, I'll take the blame. I'll step down as president. Ashleigh : Are you sure about that? Casey : I'm sure, because we're not going to get caught. Pledge : Even if we don't get caught, it still the KTs. They're like a dealest fraternity. And the front hall always smells like vomit. Rebecca : Excuse me. I know I was initialy sceptical but I think Casey's plan has real merit. I mean, think about it. Would you rather party with real flesh and blood KTs, or read about some fake characters, in a tired, old dusty book about a bunch of crap that never happened. Who's with me? Pledge : I am! Let's do it! Casey : OK then it's settled. KT HOUSE - Living room Cappie : Let's get started. We need a sound proof down here. Tom, Dave, you still have your disturbingly loud band? Tom (Plain White t's) : Disturbingly loud? Dave (Plain White t's) : Why wouldn't the band still be together? Cappie : No reason. And one day, I'm sure you'll be hugely successful. Anyway, you guys need to isolate the room so no sound can make it upstairs and then you'll have a room to practice, you'll become great big rock stars. Next, we need enough liquor to incapacitate David Hasselhoff so who's gonna go and hit the store with me? ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Ashleigh : That was super honorable of you to say you'd step down. Casey : Yeah, right? What the hell was I thinking? Ashleigh : You said it we're not gonna get caught. Lizzi : Hi! Casey : Lizzi, what happened? We were worried. Lizzi : I've been running around like a crazy person. Think you gave me the wrong address. There's no book store on 3rd. Ashleigh : Oh my God! Did I say 3rd? I meant 13th. I feel terrible. Lizzi : No, it's alright! I found a store that gave me a 40% book discount. I'm so excited right now. Did you tell the girls? Casey : They loved the idea. Lizzi : I'm gonna go in a girls' room and freshen up and we've to start planning. ASAP cause I wanna be involved in every single detail. Ashleigh : Partez! KT HOUSE - Garden Evan : You're having a party? Cappie : No. Evan : Sure you've got enough liquor there? Cappie : No. Evan : You know, smuggling liquor for a party. It isn't just a violation for you, it's gonna reflect poorly on all of us. Cappie : Then it's a good think we only got diet soft drinks, Evian. Evan : You gotta be kidding me. You got him working for you now? You with them? Calvin : They're my friends, that's all. Cappie : Actually, he's thinking 'bout pledging with us. Rusty : Just realized the Kappa Taus are a whole lot more fun than the Omega Chis. Evan : Is that true? Calvin : Just considering my options alright? Been a little tired of waiting for you, guys. Trend : You're not going to. Hope you guys got plenty of Cosmo to mix for the fairy. Calvin : What you say? Cappie : Don't mess up the party clothes. Come on. Calvin : I don't even like Cosmo, bitch! Evan : Come on, go, that's great! OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Garden Trend : I almost sweat him, man. Kappa Taus're like the gay fraternity on campus. Fit right in, good riddance. Evan : I want you to leave Omega Chi. Trend : Excuse me? Evan : I want you to pack up your crap and get the hell out. Trend : Because of him? Evan : It's time for Omega Chi to work harder on the quality of guys we bring in Calvin Owens has more potential than you'll ever have. And truthfully, Trend, I just don't have the time and the patience to teach you tolerance. Trend : I don't know who elected you, emperor of Omega Chi but you don't have the authority to kick me out, I'm not going anywhere. Evan : Actually you're about 3 months late on your dues which if your checked the house rules is due cause for exposure. Trend : I'll rally the brothers. I'll call nationals if I have to. Evan : Go ahead and call nationals. 'Cause if I told them half the crap you've been making my ears blead with, you're gonna be bounced anyway. I'm doing you a favor. Take the easy road out. You have until tomorrow. KT HOUSE - The Great Gasby Party - Upstairs Rebecca : I actually think these restrictions from the dean are god-sent 'cause they force us to be so much creative. Casey : This is way better than some loud rowdy fraternity party. Lizzi : I agree. This was an inspired idea you did an absolutely lovely job pulling it together so quickly Jasmine, please keep your hands off your partner's buttocks! Rebecca : Some of the girls are getting restless. Casey : Someone has to stay upstairs. Fine, you can take one couple downstairs but make sure you send people up to replace them. Rusty : Hey ! Casey : You look.... Are you having fun? Rusty : Yeah, it's great but, aren't you freaking out, a little bit? You're president of the sorority now. It's a pretty big decision. Casey : Not at all. I did what I had to do and it's working just fine. Relax! I am! Cappie : Hey ! Can I borrow your lovely sister for a moment? You really pulled it off Casey : I couldn't have done without you. What now? Cappie : I say if you can slip away, we see what the real party's like. Hopefully it's some more of your naughty little clappers. Dean Bowman? Casey : What a surprise! Cappie : Come on in. Lizzi : You're here! I'm so glad! Dean Bowman : How can I refuse an invitation to a party of the infamous Kappa Taus. Mind if I look around? Lizzi : Not at all! Let me have your coat. Casey : You know what, Cappie... Cappie can take his coat. Who invited dean Bowman? Lizzi : Me. It seemed like the perfect opportunity to show him the concivilized and educational events ZBZ's gonna be hosting this semester. It's gonna buy us a little good-will. It's what good leaders do. Casey : We are so screwed. What are we going to do? This's a total nightmare. Cappie : Don't panic, I'll figure something out. Wade ! Wait! I need to buy your expertise. Wade : Plan B. [SCENE_BREAK] Cappie : Not yet, that's way too dressed Find out where the dean lives, get about 10 gallons of gas. Casey : Wait, where's dean... Bowman! Dean Bowman : I was looking for the punch. Casey : It's right over there. Do you want me to get you some? Dean Bowman : That's fine, I'm fully capable. Thank you. Then I'd like to get myself a tour of the house, if it's alright? Cappie : Of course! Casey : I told the girls I'd step down as sorority's president if we got caught. Wade : I have my stun gun upstairs. Casey : You know what? I'll handle it. Make sure Bowman and Lizzi stay away from the basement door. Cappie : What you gonna do? Casey : I'm gonna be a sorority's president. KT HOUSE - The Great Gasby Party - Downstairs Casey : Ladies, we have an emergency. I need 8 quadro in formation Sisters, you're about to make urgent use of your rush rotation skills. We have an unexpected visitor in our mix namely dean Bowman. Our mission is to keep him occupied, failure is not an option. Are you with me? All : Yeah ! Casey : Good! Let's move out! Beaver : Are you guys coming back? KT HOUSE - The Great Gasby Party - Upstairs Cappie : Incredible! And then what happened? Dean Bowman : I graduated from highschool. Cappie : Highschool? That's facinating! And, then what? Dean Bowman : I went to college. Cappie : So... so do you live around here? Casey : Dean Bowman, can I tell you what a privilege it is to have you at your party? What a great tie! Heath : So? Are you really thinking of joining the Kappa Taus? Calvin : I haven't decided yet. What do you think about it? Heath : You see how much fun we can have. I know you love strip clubs. Boobs. Calvin : You don't think it wouldn't be awkward though? I mean, if we're dating other people. Heath : Doesn't have to be. You should meet Greg, I really think you'd like him. Calvin : Yeah, it'll be a little awkward. Heath : I don't want to change your mind or anything. I really miss hanging out with you. Calvin : Me too. Rebecca : The ultimate secret s*x spot. All these people around... Where should we start? Cappie : Let's hold off on that for right now. We're on high alert. Casey : Who choose out this song? It's so good! Ashleigh : You're monopolizing the dean's time. Casey : I'm sorry. Dean Bowman, this is Ashleigh Hawards, social chair at ZB, would you excuse me? I'm gonna go check on the refreshments. Ashleigh : It's such a treat to have you here. Dean Bowman : So I guess you're also a big fan of the book? Ashleigh : Which book? Oh "The Great Gatsby" ! Yeah! Totally! It's one of my favorites. Mia Farrow is one of the great tragic characters in modern literature. KT HOUSE - The Great Gasby Party - Downstairs Calvin : Awesome! Rusty : Better than watch movies alone, right? Wade : It's the Omega Chi dropout! We love you, man! You're beautiful! Beaver : Good going man! Omega Chis suck! Calvin : I'm starting to feel more like a trophee than prospective pledge. Rusty : No, I want you here, 'cause you're a good friend and all around, great guy. You'd be around other great guys. Calvin : As opposed to Evan? Rusty : As opposed to Evan. A jerk and Greek bro, and the rest of Omega Chi. Calvin : I had a lot of good times there. It's gonna be a hard decision. I don't want it to be about you, or Evan or my dad. You know, I just gotta... do what feels right. Rusty : Or you'd be picking Kappa Tau. Cappie : Need a drink? Casey : I could use 'bout a million drinks, I've been running around all night. Cappie : What do you want? Sparta hooch? Casey : Actually, I brought my own. Cappie : Nice flask. Casey : Sorry, I crossed the line, I didn't mean to... Cappie : Apology accepted. Casey : To a long and meaningful friendship. Cappie : Right, friendship. I gotta go back upstairs. Find someone. KT HOUSE - The Great Gasby Party - Upstairs Ashleigh : Which is why I think in many ways, Ferris Bueller is my generation's Gatsby. So... do you think that Gatsby is really great or just a totally decent guy? Dean Bowman : Would you excuse me? I need to find a bathroom. Ashleigh : I don't think you're heading in the right direction. Dean Bowman : Sure I am. I've seen a lot of people round here. Ashleigh : Maybe you should use the one upstairs, it's much nicer. There's pot pourri. Dean Bowman : That won't be necessary. Ashleigh : No, you can't go in there. Dean Bowman : Why not? Ashleigh : A girl got sick. Not that she was drinking or anything. I think it was a bad trip fajitas. Cellphone rings. Dean Bowman : Yes? I'll be right there. Excuse me! Rebecca : What are you doing? Pretty naughty! Cappie : What do you think about us going on a real date? I mean don't get me wrong, secret s*x is awesome. Really awesome, but I think that you and I actually dating awesom... er. On that thought. Wade : We have a situation up here. Cappie : What sort of situation? I'm kinda busy in here. Wade : Code red. Cappie : I'll be right back. Someone drop the dime, called the coppers. Wade : Someone on the Greek task force phoned Bowman to say, claiming there's booze. Cappie : Come on. Wade : Chambers. Cappie : Execute plan B. Wade : But there's not time. Cappie : I wouldn't be so sure There's always time for plan B. KT HOUSE - Garden Dean Bowman : You fellas and spread out. Cappie : Hey, boys! Care to join me for a drink? Cop : What the hell are you doing? Cappie : Taking your cruise out on the open road, see if I can hit a few miles an hour. You wanna join me, I'd love to have company! Dean Bowman : Let him go, we always know where to find him. Cop : Not with my squad car. Cappie : This thing is kinda peppy. You got a turbo on this thing? KT HOUSE - The Great Gasby Party - Upstairs Cop : You fellas spread out. Lizzi : What's going on? Casey : I have no idea. Dean Bowman : I want you guys to check down here. I've noticed a lot of foot traffic down these stairs tonight. Casey : Foot traffic? There's been no foot traffic. KT HOUSE - The Great Gasby Party - Downstairs Beaver : "Involuntarily, I glanced seaward. "and distingued nothing, except the single green light. "Minute, ran my nute." Probably "my nute". "My nute and far away that might have been the end of the dock. "When I looked once more for Gatsby, he had vanished and I was alone again, in the unquiet darkness." Dean Bowman : What the hell is this? Casey : It's like a... a literacy thing. Dean Bowman : A literacy thing? Ashleigh : Yes, many of these poor boys have trouble reading. Nice work, Beaver. Beaver : I can read. Casey : You're doing a great job. The ZBZ sisters have been helping them learn a little. Secret philantropy, if you will. They're a bit embarassed about their deficiency. So we give them a safe place to practice. ZBZ HOUSE - Living room Pledge : That was the best party ever. Lizzi : Girls! I'm ashamed of you, all of you. And you, most of all. Casey : I'm sorry. Lizzi : We snap. We don't clap. And Casey Cartwright, you have earned yourself a grand round of snaps, right, girls? This was truly a magical evening. You see how much fun you can have when you play by the rules and help other. Come here. I can't remember the last time I stayed up past 11. Pledges : Good night! Casey : Good night. Rebecca : I had an amazing evening. Thanks, big sis. Ashleigh : OK, was Rebecca just being nice to you? Casey : I'm too tired to worry about that now. OK, that was the most stressful, exhausting evening of my entire life. Ashleigh : We pulled it off. Casey : And it's been almost a full 48h since I last thought about Evan. Ashleigh : And tomorrow you'll think about him even less, And the next day even less. And eventually, it'll just be "What's his name". Casey : I hope so. I wish you were a boy and we could be together forever. Ashleigh : That's weird. Why do I have to be the boy? Casey : 'Cause you're taller! CRU - Calvin's room Evan : We want you to come back. Calvin : Look, Evan, I thought a lot about it. Right, I just, with Trend... Evan : Don't worry about Trend, he decided to deactivate. Calvin : That's convenient. What about the other guys? Evan : There's always gonna be guys that don't like you. Not everyone likes me. Calvin : That's true. Thanks. Evan : I think you can't let the way people feel about you determine how you live your life. You're my little brother. I garantee you I got your back. So trust me. And take this back. At least think about it. CRU - Street Rusty : What you doing now? I'm heading to the house to celebrate Cappie's release from CRU jail. Calvin : I'm not gonna be able to make it. Rusty : More movies? Calvin : Actually, no. I'm going back to Omega Chi. Rusty : Are you kidding? Calvin : I belong there. You can't run away 'cause things aren't perfect Rusty : So Evan wins? Calvin : I thought you said it wasn't a competition. Rusty : Are you forgetting? It's the same Evan Chamber who fought me at Dopplers who humiliated my sister at the carnival. Calvin : I don't know what you want me to say. Alright? There're 2 sides to every story, Evan can be a real decent guy. Rusty : Are you saying Casey deserved what he did to her? Calvin : I'm not. You're perfectly justified to hate him. I'm saying he's really gone back for me. He's always been a good friend to me. Rusty : That's funny 'cause I thought I was your friend. Calvin : Look, our friendship has always been outside the Greek system. You always said, you're not gonna let our houses get in the way of us being friends. So let's not lose that. Rusty : I see you later. CRU - Street Cappie : Hey heavy Poo! You're here to give the dean his morning foot massage. Evan : You know, I don't think I've ever seen you in the sunlight before noon. You're getting troubles with the law again? Cappie : 100 hours of community service. I consider myself lucky though. Could have been a lot worst, I was the only one who got busted. And by the way, you're a total dushbag. Evan : Why's that? Cappie : Because you raided out our party. I knew it was someone on the Greek task force You're the only one I know with personal vendetta. Still, pretty low. Even for you. Evan : Now you'll think twice before trying to pouch one of your pledges. Cappie : He came to us. I don't know why I'm bothering explaining myself to you. Take care. Bing. Evan : What did you call me? Cappie : You heard. Just to let you know, there will be retribution. Evan : Bring it.
Plan: A: her sorority sisters; Q: Who was getting bored with the new low-key and traditional rules of ZBZ? A: Casey; Q: Who came up with the idea to follow the rules and break them at the same time? A: the help; Q: What does Casey enlist from Cappie and his Kappa Tau brothers? A: a prohibition-type party; Q: What type of party does Casey throw? A: a Great Gatsby theme; Q: What theme does the prohibition-type party have? A: Dean Bowman; Q: Who will bust the Kappa Tau brothers for throwing a prohibition-type party? Summary: Realizing that her sorority sisters were getting bored with the new low-key and traditional rules of ZBZ, Casey comes up with an idea to follow the rules and yet break them at the same time. Therefore, she enlists the help of Cappie and his Kappa Tau brothers to throw a prohibition-type party with a Great Gatsby theme. Will they get busted by Dean Bowman?
Scene 1: Fangtasia -Pam, Bill <p style="text-decoration: none;">[Bill storms into Fangtasia, looking for Sookie] Bill: Sookie! Eric! Bill: If you try to keep her from me, I will kill you. Pam: Get a clue, Bill. I'm not the enemy. Bill: I am older and stronger.You are no match for me. Pam : This is not just about your relationship, you infatuated tween.There's a bigger picture. Bill: Not for me. [Both grunt. Bill tosses Pam aside and make a move for the door] Bill: Sookie! Pam: Don't you want the key? [Pam sprays him in the face. Bill screams] Pam: Colloidal silver, in stock and overpriced at your neighborhood health food store. Scene 2: Fangtasia - Sookie, Yvetta, Bill, Pam [Sookie is still in the dungeon, placed in a neck shackle. Door's slamming and somebody comes downstairs, thinking in a foreign language. It's Yvetta] Yvetta: Rush, quick. I help. Sookie: I thought you were on Eric's team. Yvetta: Him? Big, blond stupid. I hate. Sookie : Me too. He's a two-faced snaky son of a bitch. Yvetta: b*st*rd and bitch Pam. Sookie: You're preaching to the choir. Get me out of this hole. [Yvetta frees Sookie] [Upstairs, Bill and Pam are still fighting] Pam: You b*st*rd! [Bill's groaning. Pam sprays him again. Bill screams] [Sookie and Yvetta enter the room. They help to secure Pam with a silver chain] Sookie [to Bill]: What did she do to you? Bill: Silver particles in water. Sookie: Your poor face. Can you see? Bill: No, but I will heal. Sookie: Not until we get it off you. Bill: Secure Pam.We can't let her call Eric. Yvetta: I secure. I secure, no kidding. Sookie: Why did Eric throw me down there? Answer me! [Sookie threatens Pam with the silver spray:] Or I'll spray you ! Pam: You were supposed to be a gift for Edgington. Now we're all gonna die because of one freaky little human. Sookie : Good. Bill : We have to go. Eric may come back. Pam: Don't leave me alone with this idiot immigrant. Sookie : This way, honey. I got you. [Bill and Sookie leave] Yvetta [strenghtening the silver chain around Pam's neck]: Idiot? [She laughs] In Tallinn, I am a cardiologist. [Pam screams] Scene 3- Lafayette's house- Lafayette, Jésus <p style="text-decoration: none;">[Lafayette and Jesus are on the sofa, rehashing their V-trip] Jésus: Unbelievable.Unbelievable. I had no idea, man. I never thought. Is it always like that? Lafayette: Took me some fucked-up places and showed me some crazy sh1t, but not like today. Jésus: It was so real.You know, so alive. I...I was telling you things that I didn't even know I knew. I mean, without fasting, without praying, without any other ritual.We time-traveled into ourselves.There were f*cking answers there. Lafayette: Downshift, boyfriend.I'm a V veteran and I know for a fact the blood can lie. Jésus: Did that feel like a lie to you? Lafayette: No. Jésus: Let's do it again. Lafayette: Just like a virgin. Jésus: Oh, come on, baby. Take me back. I want to see my people. I wanna hear what they have to say. I, I feel like... like everything that I need to learn is just one drop away. Lafayette: Well, boy, you can't control the destination.We can end up in hell or f*cking South Dakota. You don't know what you're doing. Jésus: Please? Don't make me go back alone. Lafayette: Look...[Jesus' face momentarily turns monstrous and lunges at Lafayette. Lafayette screams] Jésus: What? Lafayette: Stop! Stop ! Jésus: What is it, man? What just happened? Lafayette: Nothing. Nothing. Just sometimes on V you get a little aftershock. Jésus: What'd you see? Lafayette: Nothing. Jésus: Oh, you saw something. Lafayette: No, just a head rush of the wrong kind. Jésus: Okay. It's okay. All right, we'll just, uh...come on.We'll go to bed. All right? It's time for bed. Come on. Lafayette: You go home. Um, I... I need to rest tonight. Jésus: I'll behave. Lafayette: I won't. Go on. Let La La rest, okay? Jésus: You serious? Lafayette: I'll call you. No big thing. Good night. Jésus: All right, good night. [He leaves. The door closes] Scene 4: Jason's house-Jason, Crystal [Jason and Crystal are talking in the living room] Jason: It's like a werewolf, only a panther? Crystal: Yes. A werepanther. Well, I'm... I'm just the same as I've always been. I told you I had secrets, and you said you didn't care. Jason: I thought it was shoplifting or something. You could've given me a heads-up. Crystal: That was the only way I knew how to explain.You know, I...I thought you'd understand. I thought you'd be a man. Jason: I am a man. I was ready to sign up for a meth dealer's daughter. Crystal: Okay. I know what you think of me now. Jason: No, I didn't mean... Crystal: No, just keep blaming me for things that ain't my fault. Jason: Crystal, my brains feel like scrambled eggs. I got my ass chewed by a vampire, my sister's missing... Crystal: Oh, poor you! All I gotta do is marry my half-brother and let him breed me till I'm old or dead. Jason: I gotta go look for Sookie. [Jason leaves with his shotgun loaded] Crystal: Wait, I ain't done talking to you ! Scene 5: Bill's house-Hoyt, Jessica [Hoyt and Jessica are on the couch] Hoyt: Hey. Hey.Why do I feel like I got muscles where I've never had muscles? Jessica [she laughs]: It's the blood. Hoyt: It's you. Jessica: Maybe a little. Hoyt: When we broke up, I felt like someone had cut off my arms and my legs. I can't do nothing without you. Jessica: I missed you so much. Hoyt: I missed you. [He tries to kiss her] Jessica: Wait, wait. Hoyt: Hey. Um...If my arms and legs did get cut off and I drank your blood, would they grow back? Jessica: We got more important things to discuss. Hoyt: I love you. I love you. That's all that's important to me. You save me. Jessica: Yeah, but you don't know. Hoyt: Don't know, don't care. Kiss me. Jessica: I killed a trucker. Hoyt: I'm sure that you had to. Jessica: I didn't. It was an accident. Hoyt: How? Jessica: It was after we broke up, and I got too hungry, and I drained him dead. But that was before I learned how to do it right. This is what you think you love. This is what I really am. I tried, but I can't live on Tru Blood. I drink human blood, and I'm not gonna stop. Hoyt [ immediately offers his own neck]: Drink me. [Jessica goes right for it. They're both moaning] Scene 6 : A Museum-Russell, Eric [Russell is watching a picture on the wall, still carrying Talbot's crystal jar. A dead guard is lying on the floor. Eric comes into the room] Russell: Talbot adores this one. Adored. I'm having trouble switching tenses. You understand.Why did you do it? Talbot never harmed you. Eric: You loved him more than anyone. So he had to die. Eric: I'm about to put an end to your insignificant existence. This is not the time to be obscure. Russell: A thousand years ago, you brought your wolves among the vikings to butcher a human family. My family. Apparently, you wanted my father's crown for your vast collection of meaningless sh1t. Russell: [Laughs] My, my ! To lose the one man I ever loved because you miss your mommy and daddy? Well, that is a kick in the pants. Eric: And there are consequences, even for Russell Edgington. Russell: Life is absurd. [Laughs] Still, I'm excited to destroy you. Eric: My loved ones are dead, and now Talbot is dead. We're even. Russell: Don't beg for mercy. It's such a bore. Eric: I couldn't help but notice you're expanding ambitions. You're after the whole world now, aren't you? Well, I can help you get it. Russell: Eric, you are nothing more than a lump of muscle with a blood grudge. You got lucky.You couldn't possibly comprehend what I'm after. We should begin.[He puts down the jar] Eric: I can offer you the sun. Russell: Oh, daywalking? Oh, the old myth. That was around when I was turned. You're pathetic. Eric: It's not a myth, not at all. There have been recent advances. It's been done. Russell: Go on. Spin your little fairy tale. Eric: I will show you how to do it. Now, tell me you don't want it. Russell: I never said I didn't want it. It's the ultimate vampire dream, isn't it? No one could stand against me. Eric: You would be invulnerable. And if I'm wrong...Kill me tomorrow. Russell: Clever boy.[Laughing] To tempt me. [Eric's cell phone ringing jolly tune.This is Pam:] Eric: Not a good time. [Pam and Ginger are in Fangtasia. Ginger is trying to untie Pam] Pam: No sh1t. Bill and Sookie escaped and Yvetta cleaned out the cash. [She hangs up] Ow. Oh! Ginger: I'm so sorry. It was dug in there real good. Can I get you something to make you feel better? [Pam suddenly bites her. Ginger screams] Scene 7: Sookie's car-Bill, Sookie Bill: Why did you go to Eric? Sookie: I had to ask him a question. Bill: What question? Sookie: It doesn't matter. Bill: Look what he did to you. He's betrayed you, used you, drawn you into danger. [Sookie looks him in the face:] Yes, I've made mistakes trying to keep you safe, but I'm nothing like Eric. Sookie: Of course you're not. I love you, Bill, but after this whole Mississippi mess, I'd be a crazy woman to trust either of you. Bill: You have feelings for him? Sookie: Not "feelings" feelings. I... I drank his blood. I can't help it. Bill: It's more than that. Sookie: You weren't there on that roof with Godric. I saw a whole other side to him, and it was real. Bill: When this is over, let's begin again. We'll be new. Will we? Sookie: I don't know. I don't know if people change, even when they try. Bill: We can if we want to. Do you want to? Sookie: You know I do. Scene 8: Cemetery-Tara [Tara is weeping at Eggs' grave] Scene 9: Merlotte's- Arlene, Holly, Sam, Terry Holly: There's no 100-percent guarantee it's gonna work. Arlene: You already said that. Holly: And you can always change your mind. Arlene: Are you trying to talk me out of it? Holly: You need to know the truth, and I want you to be sure. Arlene: I'm sure, I'm sure. I just want to get it over with. Holly: Okay. After work, okay? [A drunk Sam storms into Merlotte's:] Sam: Moron! Get out of my way. Man: Sorry. Sam [to everybody]: What you looking at, huh? Mind your own goddamn business! [to a woman:] Jesus Christ, you're ugly! Woman: Well, that's just rude [she leaves]. Arlene [to the woman]: Hey! Hey, you ain't paid your check. Sam: Where's my whiskey? Keep a bottle back here special for me, and all of y'all know it. Give me back my f*cking whiskey! Woman: What is his problem? Terry [trying to help]: Let's, uh, take it easy, Sam. Sam: Kiss my ass. Terry: Well, you're hurting. I can tell. Let's go out back and talk about it. Sam: Who the hell do you think you are? Terry: I'm your friend. Sam: I'm your boss. Terry: This is the liquor talking, Sam. It ain't you. Sam: No, it is me. All right, get back in the kitchen, you shell-shocked m*therf*cker. [Arlene gasps] Arlene: Sam Merlotte. You're gonna hate yourself for saying that. You apologize to Terry right now. Sam: No. Arlene: How could you be so hateful and mean? He breaks his back for you. He looks up to you. He loves you. Sam: That ain't my problem. Holly: Look, I get that you're in a mood, but you're polluting our positive energy vibes, and it's killing our tips. Arlene: Quit scaring the customers off. Just go home and pass out. Sam: Hey, let's get this straight. I don't take sh1t from you. Okay? You work for me. This is my place. So you bitches do your job and shut the f*ck up. Arlene: Sam! Holly: Nobody talks to me that way, okay? You'll wait your own goddamn tables.Come on, Arlene, let's go. Grab the salt. Arlene: Why? Holly: I forgot to bring mine. [They both leave] Scene 10: High school stadium-Jason , Kitch, Tammy and their friends [Jason tries to reach Sookie on the phone:] Sookie: Leave a message.[answering machine beeps] Jason: Sookie, where are you? [Jason walks over the field and sees Kitch practicing his throws with other football players, while a few girls look on :] Kitch: Hut![men grunting] Kitch: Hut! Hut![men grunting] Kitch: Come on, get this. Hut! Hut! Run! Hut! Hut! Tammy[to Kitch]: Kitch, you said you'd come back to the house with me and watch me try on outfits. Kitch[keeps playing, doesn't pay attention to her]: Go! Tammy: You don't quit right now, I'm going without you. Kitch [to Tammy]: Go ahead. Tammy: Dildo. Fine. I'll wait for you in the parking lot.[to the other girls:] Hurry up. Let's go. [Men grunting] Hut! 1st football player: Damn. Oh, damn! Kitch: Hut! Kitch: Go deep! 2nd football player: Dude? Kitch: Let's go, let's go! Pick it up! Practice ain't over yet! Come on. Let's go. Pick it up, pick it up! [Jason is watching them practicing and notices that Kitch has incredible arm strength] Scene 11: Ms Fortenberry's house- Maxine, Summer [There's a knock at the door. It's Summer, she's weeping] Maxine: What are you doing here at this time of night? Summer: It didn't work, Mrs. Fortenberry. Hoyt doesn't want me. Maxine: Oh, darn it all to heck. Dagnabit. Shitfire. I could ring his big old neck. How could I bring up a child so willful and dumb? Summer: I... I even offered him my virginity, and he turned me down flat. Maxine: Oh, Summer. I appreciate that. Even if you broke God's law. Summer: It's my fault. I'm not tall like her. I can't even reach stuff on my own closet shelf without a grabber. And I'm not pretty like her. Maxine: Oh, don't say such a thing. She's not even alive, and you are cute as pigs. Summer: I baked for him. I opened up my heart to him. Even showed him my best underwear. There's nothing else I could do. Maxine: You are not to blame, honey. That redheaded bloodsucker put a spell on him. Summer: I'm sorry I failed you. I'll never get over my bear. Maxine: Oh, don't you dare give up. We are not finished. Not by a long shot. Scene 12: Merlotte's-Sam, Tara, Tommy, Andy,Terry [Country music playing over jukebox. Sam has to wait all the tables. Tara comes in] Sam: Who had the fries?[to Tara] I could use some help here. Tara: I can see that. Too bad I ain't working tonight. Sam: Thanks a lot. [Tara heads right for the box where Andy is sitting] Andy: Hey, Tara. Tara: Mind if I sit? Andy: Well, no. I guess not. How you doing? Looks like Sam had one too many. I never saw him, uh, this way. [Tara stares at him] If you're hungry, you can eat my rings. I didn't touch 'em. My stomach ain't what it was, you know. I used to drink hot sauce straight out of the bottle. That was a good time.[She still stares at him. He seems embarrassed] I need a refill.You want anything?[he gets up] Tara: I know about Eggs.[Andy sits down again] You must think you're pretty slick. Yeah, you're the sh1t.Got your picture in the paper and a big promotion. Andy Bellefleur, American hero. It's all working out so good, right? But I see what you are. Liars, murderers. [Inhales deeply] Jason killed him, and you covered it up.You're a dirty, dirty cop. Andy: What are you gonna do? Tara: What can I do? Nobody cares about Eggs except me. And I'll miss him for the rest of my life. But the three of us will always know he didn't deserve to die. Andy: Well, I don't feel like a hero. I never wanted nothing like this to happen. It was all Maryann. He was innocent. God help me. If I could do it again, if I could go back and just get a hold of Jason's gun, if Eggs would have listened and put the knife down, but he... he was bound and determined to die. I couldn't stop him. Jason didn't know. I'm sorry. Tara, I'm so sorry. [In the back room. Sam asks Tommy to wait tables] Sam: Take some orders. Tommy: I ain't the waitress. Sam: You are now.[he gives him the notebook. Tommy doesn't want it] Tommy: Yeah, well, I don't need this. I'll remember it. Sam: The hell you will. The kitchen needs a goddamn ticket. Do what I tell you and do it right. Tommy [throwing the notebook]: f*ck that ! Sam: Pick it up! Tommy: You pick it up! Look at yourself. Drunk and yelling. You're nothing but Joe Lee in a Sam suit. Sam: You ungrateful little punk. All I've done is help you, and all you've done's been a whiny-ass bitch! I'm through with you! You're fired! Pack up your sh1t. Get the f*ck out of my rental. Tommy: Wait. I lost my temper. It's... it's nothing. I'm sorry. See? See? I ain't mad anymore.[he picks up the notebook] Sam: Did you not hear me? Tommy: You're my brother, Sam. You said that you... Sam: I'm sick of you. All right? It's over now. Tommy: You're the only one I know around here. Where am I supposed to go? Sam: I don't care. [Sam goes into dining room and tells everybody:] All of you, get out of here! I want this place empty in two minutes.Merlotte's is f*cking closed, goddamn it. I don't want your f*cking money. I want you gone. Now. Man: Come on, sweetheart. Woman: Grab my purse. [Tara is sitting at the bar, drinking] Sam [to Tara]: I said, go away. Tara: No. Scene 13: Sookie's car- Bill, Sookie, Russell, Eric Sookie: I tell you what. That dungeon this time did me in. Bill: Well, if you'd stayed put as I asked you to... Sookie: I know. But I was sitting there in the dark, and I thought, "I am done with this sh1t." Bill: That's why we need a fresh start. We'll be free of it, I promise you. Sookie: What would that be like? Who would we be if we were normal? It's hard to even picture it.Would we live in Gran's house or your house? Bill: Both. We'd be married, happily married. Sookie: And I'm not a waitress anymore. I'm... I'm going to college. No, I'm a real estate agent, and I'm really, really rich. Bill: I teach third grade and I love my job. Sookie: We'll have a...a big flower garden. Bill: We grow vegetables. Sookie: Tara comes over for dinner and sometimes we double date with Arlene and Terry. Bill: And I go fishing with Jason. Sookie: We don't even know Eric Northman. Bill: Everything is peaceful. [Suddenly, their car is stopped by Eric and Russell who are standing in the middle of the road. Tires screech and Bill and Sookie scream. Russell smiles] [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 14: Out in the woods-Holly, Arlene [Holly performs a ritual with Arlene] Holly: We cast the circle with candles, flame of the spirit. We draw the circle with salt for protection and purity. Arlene: Amen.[Inhales deeply] Holly: Great mother, we invoke you. Blessed be.[Birds squawking. Grass rustling] Okay, she's here. You feel her? Arlene: I... I feel something. My mama passed away a couple years ago. She didn't approve of me, but we were...we were real close. Holly: My mama hated me. Guess that's what got me looking for the real thing. You sure you're totally healthy? Arlene: Gyno ran all the tests. I got the body of a tired teenager. That's for me? Holly: Oh God, no. No, no. These are oils.You'd fall over dead. You need a decoction. Arlene: A de-what? Holly: It's like herbal tea. I'll show you how to make it and when to take it. I wrote it down.You need to follow the directions exactly. Okay? I mean to the letter. Arlene: I will. Holly: Well, this'll be ready in a little minute. Some people like to pray before, you know, help 'em get focused. Arlene: I don't know if God's on board for this. Holly: Talk to your mother's spirit. Arlene: Uh, I can't. She'd kill me. Holly: Then talk to the great mother. She's God too. Oh, just don't step outside the circle. [Arlene looks to the sky :] Arlene: I never thought of God as a woman. But if you're with me tonight, maybe you are. And, mama, if you can hear me, would you listen? Really just listen for once? You gotta know this is the right thing to do. It's... it's the only way to be sure that Rene will never pass his sickness on to the world. Then... Coby and Lisa and Terry will be safe, and I won't have to live my whole life in fear. And the baby won't have to be a crazed killer. I don't believe in abortion. I'm doing what needs to be done. [Holly hands Arlene a glass, adding a drop of Arlene's blood before she drinks it:] Holly: First time you take it, needs a drop of blood. Arlene: Why is that? Holly: Sacrifice. Nothing's free.But if the spirit is meant to be born, it'll be born and there's nothing we can do about it. It's in the hands of the goddess now. Arlene: I understand. Holly: Four times a day for up to five days. Arlene: Sip it or shoot it? Holly: Shoot it.[Arlene drinks it] Blessed be. Scene 15: High school stadium-Jason, Kitch Kitch[to his friends]: Tired? Wore out? Don't give me that sh1t. Y'all pussies get back to work. 1st player: Shut up, man. I'm going home. Kitch: Yeah, well, I'm gonna run laps.I'll see you later. 2nd player: I got nothing left, man. [They leave. Jason approaches Kitch:] Kitch: Well, grandpa Stackhouse. You come to wish me luck? Jason: You don't need luck, Kitch. You're on V. Kitch: I'm not saying I am, but if I was, so what? Jason: V's a illegal substance. That makes you a criminal, a drug abuser and a cheater.On top of which, you're already a cocky bullshit m*therf*cker. Kitch: Is that right? Jason: I'm taking you down, boy. I'm gonna tell your coach, your mom and daddy, and your principal. Kitch: My coach is the one who gave me the V. Jason: Bullshit. Kitch: My parents are paying for it. My principal, he uses it for his s*x life. They won't care what you say, and you can't prove it. There are no tests that can trace it. Jason: That ain't fair. I was an athlete out there. I didn't get help from nothing or nobody but my team.That's the way it's supposed to be. Kitch: Look at the pros. Everybody's taking something. No dope, no glory. Jason: My record stands, asshole.You're no athlete. You never will be. Kitch: Well, that's funny. See, there's a scout from LSU coming to the game especially to hand me a scholarship.See, I won't have to stay here and join the chain gang like you. [Footsteps approaching] Tammy: Kitch! Kitch: I'm gonna blow your record to smithereens. Jason: It doesn't count. Kitch: Well, tell that to the newspapers. Jason: f*ck you. [Kitch laughs and leaves with Tammy] Scene 16: Lafayette's house-Lafayette [Lafayette is in his bed. He hears voices :] Voice 1: Lafayette. Voice 2: La la. Voice 1: La la. [He walks into the front room and finds all of his religious figurines moving and talking to him] Voice 3: Lafayette. Voice 4: Lafayette. Voices chattering indistinctly: Lafayette.Come with us.[Gibbering monkeys] We need you. Voice 4: Lafayette! Lafayette! Lafayette ! Scene 17: Sookie's car/Fangtasia -Sookie, Bill, Eric, Russell [Tire screech. Russell and Eric take Bill and Sookie to Fangtasia. Everybody gets out of the car:] Russell [to Sookie]: Everything as far as your deficient human eye can see will be mine. Sookie: Pride goeth before a fall. Eric[whispering, to Bill]: Hit me. Russell: Don't you see? Eric[whispering again]: Hit me. [Bill hits him.They start fighting] Russell: Your country is begging to be conquered. Sookie: You don't know much about America. Russell: Graffiti is the desperate cry of your dying reign.Your so-called society is disintegrating.[Laughs] Soon there will be anarchy, and then there will be me. [Bill and Eric grunting.Punches thudding. As they battle, Russell and Sookie enter Fangtasia. Door closes. Bill and Eric are alone now: ] Eric: I have a plan. Bill: Will it save her? Scene 18: Merlotte's- Tara, Sam [Tara and Sam drink at the Merlotte's bar] Tara: What crawled up your butt tonight? Sam: Nothing. Expressing my feelings. That a problem for you? Tara: Nope. Sam: You go off on people all the time. Cussing, fighting, raising hell. Tara: Feels good, don't it? But you notice I'm not popular. Not a lot of friends. Sam: You think I got a lot of friends? Tara: Not after tonight. Sam: Even before tonight? Tara: You had Terry before you jumped all over him. You had Arlene before you called her a bitch. Oh, yeah. I heard about it.You had Tommy before you ripped him a new asshole. Sam: Well, it ain't true. I got nobody. Tara: You got me. Sam: Do I? Tara: I'm here, aren't I? Sam: Nobody knows me. Tara: It's not like you make it easy. Sam: Yeah, people think of Sam, as like,"Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's nice."."Yeah, I'll go ask him to do some inconvenient shitty thing and he'll do it, because he's such a good guy."Or, "Yeah, I'll... I'll treat Sam like a cow pie. He won't mind. He's so nice."[Laughs] Tara: Not one person in the world thinks that about me.[Laughs] "Don't invite Tara to the party.She'll get pissed off and beat the cat.","Put away the wedding China. Tara's coming over." Sam: You know, the secret is... Tara: What's the secret? Sam: We're not so different. Tara: No? Sam: Mm-mm.We're not nice. Tara: I'm not nice at all. Sam: You feel like dropping by my nasty-ass trailer? Tara: Yeah. Sam: Yeah? Tara: Let's f*ck. [They head to Sam's trailer and start having s*x] Scene 19: Arlene's bedroom-Arlene,Terry [Arlene is asleep, dreaming. She sees herself on the shores of a lake, fishing:] Woman's voice: Arlene? Where you at ?Arlene? Arlene: Hey, mama. I'm right here. Woman's voice : Put up that fishing pole and come home.We're waiting on you. Arlene: In a little while. Terry's voice: Arlene? Arlene? Terry: Arlene? Arlene, Jesus God, please wake up. Can you hear me? [Arlene wakes up] Arlene: Of course I can hear you. One of the kids sick? [Terry points out a mass of blood between her legs] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Terry: I'm calling 911. Arlene: No, wait. Oh, you don't have to do that. I... I'm okay. I can tell. Um, I'll get cleaned up, and you can take me to the hospital. Can you bring me that box of pads under the bathroom sink? Terry: It looks like you're dying. Arlene: I'm not. But I'm sorry, honey. I think we're losing the baby. Terry[he starts crying]: Oh, don't tell me that. No, no, no. Arlene: Shh. Terry: no, no. Arlene: Okay, shh. Better hurry now. We'll cry later, okay? Scene 20: Jason's house-Jason, Crystal [Jason returns home to Crystal] Crystal: Did you find her? Jason: No. And I don't know where else to look or what else to do. Some f*cking cop I am. Crystal: Well, I was gonna go. Jason: I don't wanna break up. Crystal: Don't play with me. Jason: I'm not playing. I mean it. No one in this town is what they're supposed to be. So you turn into a panther.What the hell? That ain't so bad. Besides, I love you. [Crystal seems very happy] Crystal: You love a girl from Hotshot ! Jason: Not anymore. You ran away. Crystal: No, I tried, but I'm going back, and I want you to come with me.We gotta stop that raid. Jason: Why? Crystal: Because all those innocent kids. Jason: Crystal, I saw a boy there once, he was making awful noises and chewing on something dead. Crystal: That's my double cousin. He ain't right, but he never hurt nobody. Jason: We can't go against the de-fucking-a. Crystal: We don't got no choice. Felton and daddy are crazy. I've heard 'em say it. They will light that whole place on fire and everybody in it. Jason : It'll be waco all over again ? Crystal: I'm going.With or without you. Scene 21: Fangtasia-Russell, Sookie, Eric, Bill, Pam [Everybody is inside Fangtasia. Bill is tied to a post. Sookie is sitting in front of Russell] Russell: Fairies?[Chuckles]You seriously expect me to believe she's fairy? A species extinct for millennia? If they ever existed at all.Do you think I wouldn't notice if there were fairies bouncing around in the world? Eric: I didn't say she was full fairy. She's a human-fairy hybrid, which helps save her from detection.She may well be the last of her kind, your only chance to walk in the sun. Russell [skeptical]: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eric: Drink her blood. You'll see. Sookie[exclaims]: Now, that's just nuts. Nothing in my blood is a supernatural sunscreen for y'all. Why would you even think that? Bill: Sookie, you're wrong. What Eric says is true. Sookie [upset]: No! Bill: I never told you. Eric [to Russell]: Bill's experienced it for himself. Russell: Oh, well, that's reassuring. A testimonial from the mendacious Mr. Compton. Sookie [to Bill]: A new beginning? We'll start over? Bill [to Russell]: I can't force you to believe it. You'll have to see for yourself. Sookie [to Bill]: Why are you doing this to me? Bill [to Sookie]: We've tried fighting him. We'll never win. If he develops a taste for your blood, he may let you live. Sookie: Bill, please. Eric [to Russell]: So? Russell: I'm intrigued. Eric: Excellent. Sookie [to everybody]: I hate you. I hate you all. Russell: On one condition. Eric: Whatever you like. Russell: You go first. Eric: I'd love to. Scene 22: In hospital-Arlene, Terry, Dr Robideaux Arlene [to Terry]: Please stop worrying.Hey. It's just God's way of telling us this child wasn't meant to be. Didn't you read that in some of your books? Terry: Yeah. Yeah, I did.But I never thought it would happen to us. Arlene: I know. It happens to a lot of people. Terry: You shouldn't have been working. I should've been doing every little thing for you. Arlene: Oh, shh. Life goes the way it goes, okay? We just have to accept it and... and move on.[Terry starts crying again] Oh, honey. Don't cry. Dr Robideaux [comes into the room]: The results are back. Arlene: Oh, doctor, please tell my guy everything's gonna be okay. Dr Robideaux: Yeah, it's gonna be okay. Terry: Thank the lord. Dr Robideaux: Arlene, you may need to spend a few days in bed. Arlene: Whatever you say, doc. Terry: I'll make sure she does. I don't wanna lose her too. Dr Robideaux: Oh, you haven't lost anything. The baby's still on board. Arlene [stunned]: What? Doctor Robideaux [chuckling] : You got a strong little critter in there. Terry[ thrilled]: Yeah! Oh! Dr Robideaux: Congratulations. Arlene [not so thrilled]: Yay. Scene 23: Fangtasia-Russell, Sookie, Eric, Bill, Pam [The sun has come up. Russell talks to Sookie. Pam takes Eric aside] Russell: Now, what other fairy secrets are you keeping, Miss Stackhouse? Do you have wings? Do you...? Pam [to Eric]: Don't do it. What if it doesn't work? Eric: Oh, it'll work. [Pam starts crying] Oh, come on. What's this? Pam: Nothing. It's bleeds. Eric: You know I love you more when you're cold and heartless.[He kisses Pam on the forehead before joining everybody else. Then he asks Russell:] Shall we? Russell: Do let's. Bill: One caveat, gentlemen. If you drain her completely, that's the last fairy blood you'll ever drink. Eric: Good point ! Russell: We are schooled. Onward to adventure ! Sookie [to Bill]: If this is you trying to help me, thanks for nothing. [Eric stares at Sookie, he seems hesitant] Russell: Oh, for God's sake ! [Suddenly, Russell bites Sookie's wrist, then Eric bites her neck. Russell and Eric drink from Sookie while she screams] Scene 24: Fangtasia-Eric, Russell, Sookie, Bill, Pam [Eric opens the door. He walks outside into the sun and is fine. He seems stunned. Russell and Pam watch him from the security camera. Sookie fainted, she's unconscious] Bill: Unchain me. I have to feed Sookie. Russell [to Pam.They don't pay attention to Bill]: It's fairies. f*cking fairies. Who knew? [Eric motions for them to come outside as small wisps of smoke come from his skin] Eric [talks to himself in a foreign dialect]: Don't let them see. Bill: Let me go or she'll die ! Russell [to Pam]: My hands are shaking.[Laughs] I feel like a little child. Thousands of years of night.You can't know.[He's crying] Pam: What are you waiting for? [Russell leaves the room ] Bill: I have to feed Sookie. She needs my blood now! Pam, let me go! [Russell walks outside and he is overjoyed] Russell: Oh! It's glorious. It's sublime. [He turns to Eric and sees that his face is now blistering. Eric handcuffs his arm to Russell with silver manacles] Russell: Ah! Silver.You traitor. f*cking madman! [The two fall to their knees and begin to burn. Russell screams] Eric: Be brave. We'll die together.
Plan: A: Fangtasia's basement; Q: Where was Sookie rescued from? A: Bill and Fangtasia dancer Yvetta; Q: Who rescues Sookie from Fangtasia's basement? A: Lafayette; Q: Who has frightening visions after his recent V trip? A: Jessica; Q: Who confesses to Hoyt that she killed a trucker? A: Eric confronts Russell; Q: Who suggests that Sookie's blood will allow them to "day walk"? A: Eric; Q: Who handcuffs Russell to himself? A: Sookie's blood; Q: What do Russell and Eric drink to allow them to "day walk"? A: Arlene; Q: Who believes Holly's potion has caused a miscarriage? A: the baby; Q: What survives Holly's potion? A: Sam; Q: Who closes Merlotte's for the night? A: Tommy; Q: Who breaks into Merlotte's safe? A: Jason; Q: Who finds out that Kitch is using V to enhance his athletic abilities? A: high school football player Kitch; Q: Who is using V to enhance his athletic abilities? A: Tara; Q: Who tells Andy about Eggs' murder? A: their burning; Q: What do Russell and Eric await? Summary: Sookie is rescued from Fangtasia's basement by Bill and Fangtasia dancer Yvetta. Lafayette continues to have frightening visions after his recent V trip. Jessica confesses to Hoyt that she killed a trucker, but Hoyt does not care and allows Jessica to feed from him. Eric confronts Russell and suggests that Sookie's blood will allow them to "day walk." Arlene believes Holly's potion has induced a miscarriage, but the baby survives. Sam goes on a drunken rampage and closes Merlotte's for the night after firing Tommy and insulting Terry and the waitresses. Jason finds out that high school football player Kitch is using V to enhance his athletic abilities. Tara tells Andy that she knows about Eggs' murder and the cover-up. As Tara and Sam hook up, Tommy breaks into Merlotte's safe. Bill and Sookie are stopped by Russell and Eric, who take them to Fangtasia. Russell and Eric drink Sookie's blood. Eric walks outside into the daylight. Russell follows but Eric handcuffs him to himself and they lie on the ground awaiting their burning.
The Ambassadors of Death 5:25pm - 5:50pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: Large unidentified object converging with Mars Probe 7 on collision course. (Her report carries through the tannoy system.) FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Estimated speed: seven thousand miles per hour, but decreasing. RALPH CORNISH: Doctor, a large unidentified object is approaching you on collision course! [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. RECOVERY 7 RALPH CORNISH: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Take evasive action! (The DOCTOR looks through the various windows but cannot see anything. Suddenly through one window, he sees the object - a large shining alien craft, shaped like an ellipse and organic in look, nears the two linked craft...) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM RALPH CORNISH: Doctor, can you see the object?! What is it?! [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. RECOVERY 7 (Through the window, the craft approaches.) DOCTOR: Some kind of space ship- it's enormous! RALPH CORNISH: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Can you evade it? DOCTOR: I'll try. (He goes away from the window.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: SPACE (The craft continues to approach.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM (The two lights of the radar screen also draw closer.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: He hasn't got the speed! RALPH CORNISH: He's still linked to Mars Probe 7. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: How much fuel has he got for manoeuvring? RALPH CORNISH: Precious little - what he's got he'll need for re-entry. [SCENE_BREAK] 7: SPACE (The enormous craft moves in further...) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM DOCTOR: (OOV: Over tannoy.) It's closing in too fast! I can't... (The line goes dead. On the radar screen, the two lights converge and the smaller of the two seems to disappear. The BRIGADIER turns to CORNISH.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: They've collided. RALPH CORNISH: If they had, the capsules would be smashed to fragments. [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. RECOVERY 7 (Aboard Recovery 7, the DOCTOR sits patiently in his seat. A voice echoes throughout the small capsule. It is deep and has a slightly electronic tone to it - as if it is being translated.) ALIEN SPACE CAPTAIN: (OOV.) You are not in danger. DOCTOR: Where am I? ALIEN SPACE CAPTAIN: (OOV.) You are on board our spacecraft. Open your hatch and leave the capsule. DOCTOR: What's happened to our three astronauts? ALIEN SPACE CAPTAIN: (OOV.) They are unharmed. Open your hatch and leave the capsule. DOCTOR: Very well (He reaches for his helmet.) ALIEN SPACE CAPTAIN: (OOV.) You will not need your life support systems. An environment has been prepared for you. (He puts his helmet back down on the floor, swings his chair round to face the door and starts to unbuckle himself.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. ALIEN SPACESHIP. PASSAGEWAY (The tunnel is long and organic looking. A strong light at one end of the tunnel gives reddish hues to the ridged and textured walls. Recovery 7 fades into view. The hatch opens and the DOCTOR climbs out. He steps into thin air and floats gently to the floor.) ALIEN SPACE CAPTAIN: (OOV.) Go to the light. (The DOCTOR looks round and then makes his way down the long tunnel towards the light source.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. ALIEN SPACESHIP. WAITING ROOM MOCK-UP (The object of the DOCTOR'S mission - the three human astronauts - sit in a room that has a vague resemblance to a room that they would expect to see in the Space Centre. It is metallic with a pair of silver sliding doors and chairs for them to sit on. The room is suffused with various colours and the three men are watching a round monitor on which multi-coloured patterns are displayed. However, the men think they are seeing a football match and chatter excitedly through it.) VAN LYDEN: Oh no! MICHAELS: Oh no, another open goal! LEFEE: Did you see it? I could have scored that! VAN LYDEN: Oh rubbish, why aren't you playing then? LEFEE: I don't need to we're a goal ahead. MICHAELS: Yeah but there's still time for us. VAN LYDEN: He had all the time in the world... (The two silver doors open and the DOCTOR enters.) VAN LYDEN: ...why didn't he shoot? MICHAELS: ... wings more. LEFEE: Why indeed? That's what I want to know. VAN LYDEN: We might as well get another team. (VAN LYDEN notices the DOCTOR.) VAN LYDEN: Oh, hello! Come on in. LEFEE: Oh, do you happen to know how long we're gonna be kept here? DOCTOR: What are you talking about? LEFEE: Hey? (LEFEE'S puzzlement is interrupted by MICHAELS as he tries to pull VAN LYDEN'S attention back to the "television set".) MICHAELS: Hey did you see this? Look, look - you're missing the game. (LEFEE is more interested in the DOCTOR.) LEFEE: Never mind that. Turn it off. VAN LYDEN: What do you mean turn it off? LEFEE: We were losing anyway. VAN LYDEN: Oh come on. MICHAELS: Okay. (MICHAELS gets up and turns an imaginary switch on the side of the monitor.) MICHAELS: But we still might ... LEFEE: You've got no chance. (The three men give the DOCTOR their full attention.) VAN LYDEN: I say there - any idea when we're going to see our families? DOCTOR: Do you know where you are? VAN LYDEN: Why, you ought to know. DOCTOR: Please - do you know where you are? VAN LYDEN: I brought these two fellows back from Mars Probe 7. They slapped us in extended quarantine. DOCTOR: You think you're on Earth, at the Space Centre? (The three men laugh. LEFEE stands and points through a window behind the monitor which seems to show part of the Space Centre.) LEFEE: What...what do you think that is? (MICHAELS also stands.) MICHAELS: Just what do you want? DOCTOR: I came to take you back to earth. LEFEE: (Mocking.) Oh yes! (VAN LYDEN stands.) VAN LYDEN: Back to earth?! MICHAELS: Who let him in here? (LEFEE laughs.) DOCTOR: Now, please listen to me. You're not on Earth nor are you at the Space Centre. You're prisoners in an alien spaceship. (Again, the men laugh.) VAN LYDEN: Oh come on! DOCTOR: Now you came up here in Recovery 7 but you never made the journey back - something happened. VAN LYDEN: Something happened? DOCTOR: Yes. (Suddenly, there is an unearthly pulsing sound. The three men's faces cloud over as if possessed and they sit down in unison. The DOCTOR goes over to MICHAELS and snaps his fingers in front of his face. He then moves round to VAN LYDEN and waves a hand in front of his face.) DOCTOR: Van Lyden? (The view changes outside the "window". Instead of mock-up of Space Centre, it is chamber as seen through a venetian blind type arrangement with the ALIEN SPACE CAPTAIN stood next to a piece of machinery. The CAPTAIN is completely enclosed in a tight fitting bluish suit with the exception of a slit for his eyes. Strands seem to extend from his head. His arms wave as the same translated voice echoes through the room.) ALIEN SPACE CAPTAIN: They cannot hear you. DOCTOR: You've conditioned their minds! ALIEN SPACE CAPTAIN: It was necessary to for their health. They were deteriorating. DOCTOR: Why have you taken them prisoner? ALIEN SPACE CAPTAIN: Why have you not returned our ambassadors? DOCTOR: Ambassadors? ALIEN SPACE CAPTAIN: An agreement was made. You have betrayed us. Unless our ambassadors are returned, we shall destroy your world. (The DOCTOR suddenly realises the truth...) DOCTOR: Ambassadors! [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM (GENERAL CARRINGTON has arrived at the Centre. The one large light is still displayed on the radar screen.) FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Radio telescope report from Jodrell Bank: computer analyses as discoid, half a mile in diameter. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Half a mile wide! Must be a meteor. RALPH CORNISH: Meteors don't stand still. GENERAL CARRINGTON: It's quite obviously an alien spacecraft. We must attack and destroy it. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What about the Doctor? If that is a spacecraft, he may be on board! GENERAL CARRINGTON: He must be dead by now. We could use missiles with atomic warheads. RALPH CORNISH: Until we know for certain... GENERAL CARRINGTON: (Interrupting.) We do know. I've got a plane to catch. (He heads up to the upper level.) GENERAL CARRINGTON: There's an emergency meeting of the Security Council in Geneva in an hours time. RALPH CORNISH: The Security Council? GENERAL CARRINGTON: Yes, this object has been spotted by observers all over the world. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What are you going to tell the council sir? GENERAL CARRINGTON: I shall recommend an immediate all out attack! We must defend ourselves while there is still time. (He walks out.) RALPH CORNISH: The man's mad. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Not necessarily. (He points with his swagger stick at the radar screen.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: We don't know what that thing is there. RALPH CORNISH: Then surely we should find out. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Perhaps someone's found out already. RALPH CORNISH: What do you mean? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I have a feeling that General Carrington knows a good deal more than he's telling us. He went on a Mars probe himself, remember. Perhaps he discovered something. RALPH CORNISH: Then why doesn't he tell us? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I don't know. RALPH CORNISH: Are you supporting his plan...to attack blindly? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: No! But I think we should wait. But there's only one hope left to us - that the Doctor is still alive. [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. ALIEN SPACESHIP. WAITING ROOM MOCK-UP DOCTOR: What you tell me is appalling. The authorities on earth had no knowledge of this. ALIEN SPACE CAPTAIN: That is difficult to believe. DOCTOR: Nevertheless, you must believe me. Now, let me go back to Earth and I'll give you my personal assurance that your ambassadors will be returned to you. ALIEN SPACE CAPTAIN: But you do not even know where they are. DOCTOR: From the information that you've given me, I'll find them. Now, please, you must let me try. ALIEN SPACE CAPTAIN: Very well. But if our ambassadors are not returned, we shall use our weapons to destroy your world. DOCTOR: These three men - can I take them back with me? ALIEN SPACE CAPTAIN: They will remain here until our ambassadors are returned. Now you can go back to your spaceship. (The shutter comes down over the window. The unearthly pulsing is repeated from the monitor and the three men come back to life, standing up in their previous positions.) VAN LYDEN: Something happened? DOCTOR: Yes, look, I'll, er, I'll see what I can do about getting you out of quarantine as soon as I possibly can. (The three men smile and the DOCTOR heads for the door.) LEFEE: The sooner the better. VAN LYDEN: Oh, good. (The three men sit again.) MICHAELS: Oh, er, send us something in to eat will you? DOCTOR: Yes...yes, all right. Don't worry. I'll...I'll look after everything. (He walks out.) LEFEE: Thanks VAN LYDEN: Thanks very much. (MICHAELS adjusts the monitor.) MICHAELS: We might just catch the end of this game. MICHAELS: Should do... VAN LYDEN: Ah, that's better - one all! MICHAELS: ... doing? [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: The American space agency are now preparing to launch an unmanned capsule to observe the unidentified object. RALPH CORNISH: What's the estimated launch time? FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Will check. MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: Nancy Radio Telescope reports they have detected radio pulses being emitted by the object. (His report also carries over the tannoy system.) MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Frequencies similar to those emitted by pulsars... FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Estimated launch time for American unmanned capsule - six hours. (The BRIGADIER enters the room.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Anything happening? RALPH CORNISH: The Americans are sending up an unmanned satellite. This man Lennox tell you anything? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: He's been murdered. (CORNISH is not pleased...) RALPH CORNISH: In your own headquarters? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Someone put an isotope in his cell. RALPH CORNISH: You're not having a great deal of success are you, Brigadier? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Quietly angry.) No. RALPH CORNISH: The Astronauts are still missing, Miss Shaw kidnapped, Doctor Taltalian killed and now this man Lennox murdered under your very nose. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: We're following up every possible clue. RALPH CORNISH: And what have you discovered? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: We've identified the two radioactive bodies that were found in that gravel pit in Hertfordshire. They weren't foreign agents at all. They were petty London criminals. And the explosive that killed Doctor Taltalian was the new H37 compound - which hasn't even been issued to the Army yet. RALPH CORNISH: Then our own people could be involved? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: That was the Doctor's theory. Also forensics have analysed the mud that was found on the shoes Lennox was wearing. RALPH CORNISH: And what does that tell you? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: It could tell us where he'd been recently. You see, there were elements of insecticide in that mud. We're now checking all the areas where that insecticide is used. RALPH CORNISH: This isotope that killed Lennox - have you checked on that? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: It was part of a consignment sold some months ago. RALPH CORNISH: Who was the buyer? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: A bogus company with an address that doesn't even exist. (CORNISH'S annoyance with the BRIGADIER has disappeared.) RALPH CORNISH: You've been very thorough. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Doesn't seem to have gotten me anywhere.. MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Urgent message: pulses from unidentified object have ceased. (After a moment, the DOCTOR'S voice comes over the radio.) DOCTOR: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Hello, space control? Can you hear me? (The DOCTOR appears on the monitor, sat back in the capsule of Recovery 7.) RALPH CORNISH: Control to Recovery 7, we read you loud and clear. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Doctor! Are you all right? DOCTOR: (On monitor.) Yes thank you. RALPH CORNISH: Doctor, have you found the Astronauts? DOCTOR: (On monitor.) Yes they're safe and well - I'm not going to say any more at the moment, it's not safe. RALPH CORNISH: Doctor... DOCTOR: (On monitor: Interrupting.) I shall maintain radio silence...until the necessary landing instructions. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Have you found out what's behind all this? DOCTOR: Brigadier, put all your men on standby. I shall explain everything to you when I land. RALPH CORNISH: Doctor, what happened to my astronauts? (The DOCTOR doesn't answer.) RALPH CORNISH: Control to Recovery 7 - do you read me? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: It's no good, Cornish. He won't talk until he wants to. I must get on to my headquarters. (The BRIGADIER walks off.) RALPH CORNISH: This is control. Recovery 7 is now approaching re entry orbit. I repeat, Recovery 7 is now approaching re entry orbit. [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. UNDERGROUND LABORATORY (In the booth LIZ is extracting another isotope, watched by the standing aliens. She goes to leave but is blocked by an alien. She turns back. The others are gathering around her. One of the astronauts takes off his helmet. The face beneath is like a half- melted wax dummy. LIZ screams. She pushes past and bangs on the window. She stumbles out through the door and collapses gasping. She rips off her radiation helmet. REEGAN, dressed in a raincoat, come down the stairs.) REEGAN: What's the matter with you? LIZ: Look! (She points at the booth. REEGAN calmly goes over and looks through the window.) REEGAN: Ugly looking fellow, isn't he? LIZ: You knew they weren't human! REEGAN: I had a pretty good idea. LIZ: What have you got them here for? REEGAN: I was paid to. LIZ: Who by? REEGAN: That doesn't matter. I've got...a few ideas of my own. (He takes off his raincoat.) LIZ: Like robbing Fort Knox? REEGAN: Or the Bank of England...or anywhere like. LIZ: Is that what this boss of yours wants you to do? REEGAN: It doesn't matter what he likes - we've got them. (He points at the astronauts.) LIZ: We? REEGAN: There's a vacancy. Doctor Lennox met with an accident at headquarters. LIZ: You killed him! REEGAN: I never laid a finger on him. Well? LIZ: (Astonished.) Are you offering me a job? REEGAN: What about it? LIZ: What's the alternative? REEGAN: I kill you and buy myself another scientist. (As LIZ stares at the man, the phone rings. REEGAN picks it up.) REEGAN: (To LIZ.) Think about it. (Into phone.) Reegan? (He listens.) Oh it's you, sir. (Listens.) Doctor's on his way down is he? I did my best to stop him going up. (Listens.) You're sure you want him dead? He could be useful to us. (Listens.) All right, I'll see to him. (He hangs up.) REEGAN: Your friend the Doctor's on his way back from a little journey. I'm going to be his reception committee. (LIZ stares at him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM (The DOCTOR is still on the large monitor screen.) MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Drop speed now thirty miles per hour and reducing. FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Capsule drifting on course. No rectification needed. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: How long before he's down? RALPH CORNISH: Four point five minutes. He's making a perfect descent...right on the touchdown pad. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I'll go and meet him. (He turns to leave.) RALPH CORNISH: He'll have to go through decontamination first. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well, how long's that going to take? RALPH CORNISH: Under an hour. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: An hour? RALPH CORNISH: Think yourself lucky - it used to take two days. MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Drop speed now twenty-two miles per hour - reducing to eighteen. FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: Height one mile. Drift rate - three knots and still on course. (Her voice carries through the tannoy system.) FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Radar contact lost. Radar contact lost. MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: Visual contact, capsule approaching touchdown pad. [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. SPACE CENTRE ENTRANCE (REEGAN'S van, still disguised as "SILCOCK BAKERIES", approaches the entrance checkpoint. REEGAN hands over a pass to the UNIT Soldier on the gate who quickly reads it.) UNIT SOLDIER: That's okay, carry on. (The soldier waves to a colleague who raises the barrier. REEGAN drives in.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) We have touchdown. We have touchdown. RALPH CORNISH: Disconnect parachutes. FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Parachutes disconnected. [SCENE_BREAK] 19: EXT. SPACE CENTRE. DECONTAMINATION UNIT (REEGAN'S van pulls up by a sign which reads "DECONTAMINATION UNIT. VENTILATION SYSTEM". REEGAN gets out and unfurls a large sheet of paper. He opens the back of the van and gets a long piece of plastic piping which is connected to a gas canister within the van. He quickly jumps over a number of pipes to a series of control wheels. He consults his paper and starts adjusting a pipe with a large spanner.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Astronaut now entering decontamination. (CORNISH sighs, sits back and smiles at the BRIGADIER.) RALPH CORNISH: You can relax. It won't be long now. [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. SPACE CONTROL. DECONTAMINATION ROOM (The DOCTOR walks through a door of the cold metallic room wearing a striped bathrobe. He crosses to where his clothes are hanging on the wall and starts taking them down. Behind him on the wall is an outlet from the ventilation system.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: EXT. SPACE CENTRE. VENTILATION PLANT (REEGAN gives a few more turns of his spanner and finishes bolting the hose from the back of the van to the plant. He runs back to the van and turns a tap on a gas canister.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. SPACE CONTROL. DECONTAMINATION ROOM (The DOCTOR is now dressed in his own clothes and hangs up the robe. He moves to a microphone.) DOCTOR: (Into microphone.) Right I'm ready when you are. RALPH CORNISH: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Just a few minutes more, Doctor. We're waiting for final test results. DOCTOR: (Into microphone.) Anything you say, Mr. Cornish. (He goes and sits on the bed and lies back. Gas starts seeping in through the ventilation duct. The DOCTOR starts coughing. He tries to get up off the bed but collapses to the floor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. SPACE CENTRE. VENTILATION PLANT (Waiting by his van, REEGAN checks his watch and turns off the tap.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. SPACE CONTROL. DECONTAMINATION ROOM (The DOCTOR lies still on the floor. REEGAN enters the room, wearing a gas mask. He rolls the unconscious DOCTOR over and starts to pick him up.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Decontamination report: all tests negative. RALPH CORNISH: Good. (He flicks a switch on his desk.) RALPH CORNISH: (Into microphone.) All right Doctor, you're cleared. (There is no reply.) RALPH CORNISH: (Into microphone.) Doctor, do you read me? (Both CORNISH and the BRIGADIER start to look nervous.) RALPH CORNISH: (Into microphone.) Doctor? (The BRIGADIER leans across the console.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into microphone.) Doctor, are you all right? (To CORNISH.) I'm going over there. (He hurries away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: EXT. SPACE CENTRE (The van drives through the complex.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. SPACE CONTROL. DECONTAMINATION ROOM (The BRIGADIER enters the gas-filled room and starts coughing, putting a handkerchief to his nose and mouth. He goes over to the microphone.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into microphone.) Cornish? He's gone. RALPH CORNISH: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Maybe he's on his way back to Control. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into microphone.) No, look, there's gas in here - seal off all the gates! [SCENE_BREAK] 29: EXT. SPACE CENTRE ENTRANCE (A staff car enters the Space Centre to a salute from a UNIT soldier. The barrier arm comes down as REEGAN'S van reaches it. REEGAN waves to the soldier who let him into the Centre and the soldier lifts the arm back up. The van drives away as the guardhouse phone starts to ring. The soldier answers it.) UNIT SOLDIER: (Into phone.) Main gate? (He listens.) ... ! (REEGAN drives on with a smile on his face.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM (GENERAL CARRINGTON has returned to the Centre.) GENERAL CARRINGTON: Are you sure he's been abducted? He could have left of his own accord. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: There was a gas cylinder linked to the ventilation system. GENERAL CARRINGTON: It could be a blind to make us think he'd been kidnapped. RALPH CORNISH: (Annoyed.) Now why should he do that? GENERAL CARRINGTON: Did it occur to you that all these troubles only started when this Doctor came on the scene? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: With respect, sir, that is simply not true. GENERAL CARRINGTON: He insists on going up in Recovery 7, makes contact with the alien vessel, then disappears as soon as he lands - can you explain that? RALPH CORNISH: Do you really think that the Doctor is one of the people behind all this? GENERAL CARRINGTON: What do you know about this Doctor, Mr. Cornish? RALPH CORNISH: Oh, only that he's an associate of the Brigadier. GENERAL CARRINGTON: Exactly. Well, Brigadier? Where does this man come from? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: That's difficult to explain sir. GENERAL CARRINGTON: How long have you known him? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Several years on and off. GENERAL CARRINGTON: On and off! - What's his job exactly? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: He's given my organisation a great deal of help in the past. GENERAL CARRINGTON: (Angrily.) You're being deliberately unhelpful, Brigadier! I intend to have this "Doctor" investigated. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Patiently.) We shall have to find him first, sir. GENERAL CARRINGTON: The sooner you do that the better! If he has any explanation to offer as to what that object is, we need to know it at once. Contact me as soon as you find him. (He turns to leave.) RALPH CORNISH: General? How did the Security Council meeting in Geneva go? GENERAL CARRINGTON: Complete waste of time - they're still debating. RALPH CORNISH: And what do you think they should do? GENERAL CARRINGTON: (Shouts.) Arm every available missile with atomic warheads and blast that thing out of our skies! RALPH CORNISH: Isn't that a bit extreme? (CARRINGTON stares at CORNISH.) GENERAL CARRINGTON: It's our moral duty. (He stalks out.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I think the General's a bit overwrought. (CORNISH considers, then...) RALPH CORNISH: I think he's insane. [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. UNDERGROUND LABORATORY (REEGAN is on the telephone.) REEGAN: (Into phone.) No trouble at all. Your Doctor friend's as dead...as a doornail. (LIZ is kneeling over the DOCTOR, who is lying on the floor. REEGAN puts the phone down.) LIZ: (Puzzled.) Why do you say he's dead? REEGAN: Because it suits me. How is he? (He goes and stands over the DOCTOR who opens his eyes and looks up at REEGAN.) DOCTOR: (Groggily.) I'm none the better for your attentions... (He suddenly sees who is tending to him.) DOCTOR: Liz? LIZ: Doctor, are you all right? DOCTOR: Yes, and getting better by the minute. How are you? Did they hurt you at all? LIZ: No. I don't much care for the company, though. DOCTOR: No, I don't blame you. (Helped by LIZ, he gets to his feet and looks round. He spots the booth.) DOCTOR: Ah, there they are. (He goes over to the window.) LIZ: Doctor they're a completely alien species. DOCTOR: Yes I know, I've been aboard their spaceship. I've talked to their Captain. REEGAN: How did you talk to them? DOCTOR: They have some kind of translation machine. REEGAN: Like this? (He holds up the device that Taltalian gave him.) DOCTOR: Oh no. No, that's a much simpler model. (He tries to take it from REEGAN but the man holds it back.) DOCTOR: That would only receive one-way signals. REEGAN: Could you build me a better one so I could really talk to them? DOCTOR: I daresay...if I had the proper equipment. I was gonna build one, but I didn't get a chance to get round to it. REEGAN: you've got your chance now. DOCTOR: You expect me to help you? REEGAN: It would keep you both alive. DOCTOR: Well, I shall need a lot of expensive equipment. (REEGAN pulls out a chair behind the desk and gestures to the DOCTOR to sit down.) REEGAN: Make a list. DOCTOR: Very well. (He sits and REEGAN pushes the chair in.) DOCTOR: Thank you. (He starts to write. REEGAN goes upstairs. The DOCTOR indicates the phone but LIZ shakes her head. The DOCTOR gets up and moves towards the stairs. REEGAN is standing at the top of the landing in the open door.) REEGAN: Don't try it. (He leaves, locking the door.) DOCTOR: Is there a way out? LIZ: I got out once, but they caught me. Now they've doubled the guards. (The DOCTOR looks at the aliens for a moment, considering their options.) DOCTOR: Right, let's get on with that list. (He sits back at the table.) LIZ: Are you really going to help them? DOCTOR: Well, if we can't get out to the Brigadier, we must bring the Brigadier to us. (The door at the top of the stairs opens again and a uniformed figure walks down, holding a gun. He comes into view.) LIZ: (Delighted.) General Carrington! GENERAL CARRINGTON: Miss Shaw. (The DOCTOR looks intently at LIZ.) LIZ: How on earth did you... (LIZ starts to realise the truth. Her voice tails off as she looks at the DOCTOR.) LIZ: ...find us? DOCTOR: I think the General knew all along. GENERAL CARRINGTON: You're not surprised to see me? DOCTOR: Not particularly, no. GENERAL CARRINGTON: I'm surprised to see you Doctor. My instructions were that you were to be killed. DOCTOR: Then somebody disobeyed your instructions, didn't they? GENERAL CARRINGTON: I shall have to attend to the matter myself. I'm sorry Doctor. (He cocks his gun.) GENERAL CARRINGTON: It's my moral duty. (He points his gun straight at the DOCTOR.)
Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who is kidnapped by Reegan? A: the alien captain; Q: Who did the Doctor speak with? A: the astronauts; Q: Who were sent to Earth as ambassadors? A: the authorities; Q: Who does the Doctor want to alert about the astronauts? Summary: The Doctor speaks with the alien captain and learns the astronauts sent to Earth were ambassadors.However, before he can alert the authorities he is kidnapped by Reegan.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch reading.] Joey: Can I see the comics? Chandler: This is the New York Times. Joey: Okay, may I see the comics? [Monica and Phoebe enter.] Monica: Guys. I thought you were taking Ross to the game? Chandler: We are. He's meeting us here. Monica: No! Rachel is meeting us here. Phoebe: Oh come on, they can be in the same room. Joey: Yeah, you shoulda been there last night. Phoebe: Why? What happened now? Joey: Well Ross was hangin' out over at our place, Rachel comes over to borrow some moisturiser from Chandler.... Chandler: Yeah y-you, how hard is it to say something? Rachel came over to borrow something. Joey: Anyway! Her and Ross just started yelling at each other. Phoebe: Wait. Why was he yelling at her? He's the one who slept with someone else. Joey: Well, I guess he says that because they were on a break when it happened, that she should of forgiven him by now. Phoebe: Whoa!! He is soo unreasonable! God, although I think I understand what he means. Oh my God, this is like 60 Minutes, okay, when, when, at first you're really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then y'know you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow. Chandler: Y'know what this is like? This is like when my parents got divorced. Man, I hope Ross doesn't try to kidnap me after Cub Scouts. Phoebe: Y'know I had a dream where Ross and Rachel were still together, they never broke up. And we were all just like hanging out, and everyone was happy.... Joey: I had the same dream! Phoebe: Yeah, and nobody slept with that Xerox girl. Joey: Oh, I had the opposite dream. Chandler: Y'know what maybe it's gonna be okay, I mean it's been a week. Joey: Yeah, I mean it's never taken me a week to get over a relationship. Monica: It's never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship. [Rachel enters.] Monica: (seeing her) Okay, let's go!! Let's hit the road!! Rachel: Hey! Monica: Let's get the show on it! Rachel: Okay, let me just get a cup of coffee. Monica: Oh Rachel, I know the best coffee house and it's sooo close. Rachel: Closer than here? Phoebe: (turning around and picking a cup off of a table) Oh, hey, look, I found coffee! (handing her the cup) Okay, let's skedaddle. Rachel: Wait, I'm not just gonna drink somebody's old coffee. Phoebe: Okay, your highness. [Ross enters behind Rachel, and look at each other for a moment.] Phoebe: (in a deep voice, imitating Ross) Um, Rachel I'm really sorry. (imitating Rachel) That's okay, do you wanna get back together? (imitating Ross) Yeah, okay. (in her normal voice) Did anyone else hear that?! Opening Credits [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the whole gang is there, except for Ross and Rachel. Joey is trying to eat Chinese with chopsticks and fails miserably. There's a knock on the door, and Chandler answers it to reveal Rachel] Rachel: (softly) Is he here? Chandler: No. Rachel: Oh. (smiles) Here's your moisturiser. Hi! Monica and Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: You guys are gonna love meee! Okay, check it out, Thursday night, five tickets, Calvin Klein lingerie show, and you guys are coming with me. (they're all silent and look away) Okay, I said that out loud right? Chandler: Yes, yes, it's just that we ah, we kinda all ready, made plans with Ross. Rachel: Oh, well okay. Well, there you go. Phoebe: No, it's just that he got this new like home theater dealie, and he wants y'know, us to check it out. Rachel: Hm-mm. Chandler: Yeah, he's really excited about it too, he even recorded show times on his answering machine. Rachel: Ohh! Monica: We're sorry honey. Rachel: Oh, it's okay. (starts to leave) Joey: Rach, it's, it's ah, it's not that we don't want to, really. (quietly) Are we talking models in their underwear? Rachel: And heels. Joey: (He turns around to Chandler looking for approval to go with Rachel, Chandler mouths 'Come on!') (turning back to Rachel) Ross, did ask us first, and we set that night aside. Rachel: No, hey, come on, if he asked you first, that's only fair. (leaves) [Chandler makes a noise of absolute disgust and heads into the living room.] Phoebe: Ohhh boy, do I feel bad. Joey: Oh yeah. Monica: Very bad. [We see Chandler lighting up a cigarette.] Phoebe: Chandler what are you doing?! Monica: Chandler!! Chandler: (jumps back and points at the cigarette) Oh my God! Joey: You're smoking again?! Chandler: Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I'm, I'm smoking still. Phoebe: Why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum? Chandler: Look, I'm telling you this is just like my parents divorce, which is when I started smoking in the first place. Monica: Weren't you nine?! Chandler: Yeahhh. I'm tellin' ya something, that ah, first smoke after nap time.... [There's a knock on the door.] Chandler: Oh that's great, with my luck, that's gonna be him. Phoebe: Him? Him, Ross? Chandler: Nope, hymn 253, His Eyes Are On The Sparrow! When my parents got divorced is when I started using humour as a defence mechanism. (answers the door and it's Rachel again.) Rachel: Hi! Uhh, do you guys have plans for the weekend? Because I have my sister on hold, and she said that we could use her cabin for the weekend and go skiing. Huh? I'm asking you first, right?!. I mean I'm playing by the rules. All: Absolutely, yeah! Rachel: Chandler! You're smoking? What are you doing?! Chandler: Hey, shut up!! You're not my real Mom!! [Scene: Ross's, the gang, minus Rachel of course, is there. Chandler is forced to smoke by an open window.] Joey: (obviously cold) Hey, can you close that window Chandler? My nipples can cut glass over here! Phoebe: Wait. Really?! 'Cause mine get me out of tickets. Ross: Look, you guys I just wanna say, I really, really appreciate you spending this time with me. It's been a pretty hard time right now, so I just wanna say thanks. Chandler: Can somebody else hug him? I have to stay by the window. Ross: Oh hey, hey, huh, how about this weekend we have a laser disc marathon okay, and maybe a tournament on my new dart board? Huh, huh, what do you think? (in an Irish accent) Two days of darts, it'll be great! Joey: It'll be great for next weekend. Ross: No, no, no, this weekend guys! Joey: It'll be great for next weekend. I mean, (in an Irish accent) it'll be grrreat. Ross: What's going on? Phoebe: Well, we were um, sorta invited to go skiing, y'know Rachel's sister's cabin. (Chandler goes back to the window to smoke again.) Ross: So, for the whole weekend? Monica: We're really sorry, but um, she did ask us first. Ross: Yeah, that's okay, I mean if you guys all have to go away for the first weekend I'm alone by myself, y'know then I totally, totally understand. Phoebe: Y'know what, I can stay, I'm gonna stay. 'Cause the last time I went skiing I was to afraid to jump off the chair lift, I just went around and around. Joey: Uh, Pheebs we kinda need you to drive us all up there in your grandmother's cab, but y'know what, I'll stay. Monica: Noo! I'll stay. He's my brother. Ross: What a pity stay? Monica: No! We're gonna have fun. We can make fudge! Ross: Pity food? Y'know what that's okay, all right, I don't need any of you to stay, okay nobody stays. Chandler: Well, then, I might as well offer to stay. [Scene: In Phoebe's Grandmother's cab, driving up to the cabin. Phoebe's driving, Rachel's sitting shotgun, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are in the back seat.] Joey: (to Chandler and Monica) Hey, does anybody else feel bad about Ross? Monica: Why? Do you think he's still mad at us? Chandler: (to Joey) Well he's probably mad after you called him this morning to borrow his goggles. Joey: What? Mine aren't tinted. [Chandler starts to light a cigarette.] Phoebe: Chandler!! Chandler: What? Phoebe: What does the sign say? Chandler: Beam me up Jesus. Phoebe: No, the 'No Smoking' sign. There's no smoking in my Grandmother's cab. Chandler: Okay, well, then, I-I have to go to the bathroom. All: Oh! Phoebe: Please! Monica: No Chandler no! No unscheduled stops. You can go when we stop for gas. Chandler: Oh, come on, there's a rest stop right up there! Come on, I really have to goooooooooo. Joey: Oh, now I have to go!! [Scene: The rest stop, Phoebe's pulling in.] Chandler: Here we go. Okay, brace yourselves. Monica: What? [Both Chandler and Joey put their feet up against the glass, Monica doesn't and gets thrown up against the glass.] Rachel: Okay. Monica: Ow! [Joey gets out and sprints to the bathroom and Chandler follows with a cigarette in his hands.] Phoebe: (to Rachel, who's staying in the cab.) Aren't you gonna go? Rachel: No. Thank you. Monica: (getting out) No, Rachel never pees in public restrooms. Rachel: Well, they never have any paper in there y'know. So my rule is 'no tissue, no tuschy.' (Phoebe laughs and gets out.) Well, if everybody's going. (She gets out and starts to close the door.) Phoebe: No, y'know what don't close it (Rachel slams the door shut locking themselves out.) 'cause the... keys...are in there. Chandler: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no!! Joey: What's going on? Chandler: (to Joey) My lighter's in there! (points to the cab) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The rest stop, the gang is still stuck, Chandler is kneeling at the rear bumper.] Chandler: Damn! (stands up) The tailpipe's not hot enough to light this! Joey: Relax okay, I-I-I can get this open. Anybody have a coat hanger? Chandler: Oh I do! Op, no, wait a minute, I took it out of my shirt when I put it on this morning. Monica: So, if you're parents hadn't got divorced, you'd be able to answer a question like a normal person? Joey: Look, I just need a wire something to jimmy it. Oh hey, one of you guys give me the underwire from your bra! Monica: What?! Rachel: What?! Joey: Come on! Who has the biggest boobs? Monica: Please!! Joey: Whoever has the biggest boobs, has the biggest bra, therefore has the biggest wire. The Girls: No, not getting my bra! Joey: If you wanna get back in the car, we need the wire, your call. Phoebe: Okay, Monica's are the biggest. Monica: These tiny, little non-breasts?! Please, it's gotta be Rachel. Rachel: What, no, no, no, mine are deceptively small I mean, I-I-I actually sometimes, st-stuff my bra. Monica: All right then, your bra would still be big. Rachel: No, I stuff outside the bra. Chandler: Ladies, ladies, let's just compromise okay? Phoebe, Rachel take off Monica's bra. Phoebe: All right, forget it, nevermind, you can have mine. [Chandler crumples up his cigarette pack and throws it on the ground.] Rachel: (seeing him) Chandler, what are you doing? There is a trash can right there. Chandler: Well, I thought if I littered, that crying Indian might come by and save us. Phoebe: (finishing removing her bra) Okay, there. Joey: Thank you Phoebe, that is very, very generous. Chandler: Okay, now let's decide who has the nicest ass. Joey: (opening the door) And there you go! All: Oh, yeahhhhh!!! [They all run to get in the cab, and Chandler pulls out a smoke.] Monica: Chandler!! Chandler: At least let me smoke it to the good part. [Phoebe puts the car in gear and starts to back out.] Phoebe: Okay. (The car moves a few feet and sputters to a stop.) Oh, no! Rachel: What, what's it, what's going on? Phoebe: Yeah, this has happened before. Rachel: So you know how to fix it? Phoebe: Yep. Put more gas in. [Scene: Carol and Susan's, Carol is setting a romantic dinner for Susan as there is a knock on the door.] Carol: (answering the door) Hi! Ross: (entering) Hey. Carol: Hey, what are you doing here? Ross: Well, oh just ah, I was just wondering, when you and I split up, did you get the tape that was half the last episode of M*A*S*H and half the hostages coming home? Carol: Ah yeah, but now it's Susan and me in Mexico and the hostages coming home. Ross: Where's Ben? Carol: He's sleeping. Ross: Ahh. (notices the table) Ooh, is this a ah, is this a bad time? Carol: Umm, yeah, actually, Susan's gonna be home any minute, it's kinda an anniversary. Ross: Oh! I thought you guys got married in uh, January? Carol: It's not that kind of anniversary. Ross: Ah! (realises) Oh. Carol: Sooo!! Anyway... Ross: Umm, candles, champagne, yeah anniversaries are great. 'Cause you know love lasts forever, y'know. Nothing like it in this lifetime, money in the bank, so Rachel and I broke up. Carol: Oh God, Ross I am so sorry. Ross: Yeah, well. Carol: Y'know what, I want to talk to you about this so much, but we should probably do it when we could really get into it, are you free for dinner tomorrow night? Ross: Oh yeah, I'd love that. Carol: Oh, great! Me too. Ross: I guess it all started when Rachel got this new job. (he sits down at the table.) [Scene: The rest stop, Phoebe is on the phone to the motor club.] Phoebe: Okay, yeah. (to Monica and Rachel) Triple A can pick us up. Rachel: Great! Phoebe: Yeah, what town are we near? Monica: Freemont. West-Westmont, ah Westburg? Phoebe: (to Monica) Then why are you answering? Do you at least know what route we're on? Rachel: Yeah, we are definitely on Route 27. Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) We are at a rest stop on Route 27. Okay. (to Rachel) There is no Route 27. (listens) (to Rachel) Okay, either 93 or 76? Rachel: I don't know, I'm sorry, I always slept in the back when we drove up here. Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) Hey, can you send somebody up and down 76 and check every rest stop, and, and also 93? (listens) Okay! (hangs up) Yeah, no they don't do that. Rachel: Ugh, okay, well somebody will come and save us. Monica: Who? I mean have you seen a car come by here in the last hour and a half? I think we should call Ross, maybe he can get a car and come pick us up. Rachel: No! No, I am not getting in a car with Ross, we will just have to live here! Phoebe: But if... Rachel: No you guys, I am not getting in a car with him, you'll have to think of something else. Phoebe: Oh good, oh Joey and Chandler are back. [Joey walks up helping Chandler.] Monica: So the going for help went well? Joey: Oh yeah, Smokey Joe here got half way to the highway and collapsed. Chandler: I have the lung capacity of a two year old. (starts to light another cigarette.) Monica: Then why are you smoking? Chandler: Well it's very unsettling. [Scene: Carol and Susan's, Ross is eating the dinner Carol made for Susan.] Ross: ....right? Right? I mean it's pretty unbelievable y'know, I mean they just took off, took off without even looking back. Y'know I don't, I don't need them, huh, I've got you guys now as friends, you and Susan. Carol: Ah, Susan will be so pleased. [Ross's beeper goes off.] Ross: (looking at the page) 717? (to Carol) Where's 717? (He gets up to return the page, Carol starts to take the last of the food into the kitchen, but Ross grabs the last piece.) Hey, you've have more of these for Susan right? Carol: No. But it's okay, I'll just put out pickles or something. [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut to the rest stop, Monica and Phoebe are waiting anxiously by the phone as it rings.] Phoebe: (answering the phone) (whispering) Ross, thank God. Ross: Pheebs? What, why are you whispering? Phoebe: I ate a bug. [Rachel starts to walk up.] Monica: (running over to stop Rachel) Hey Rach, the tampons here are only a penny. Let's stock up. (takes her into the bathroom) Phoebe: Listen Ross, we ran out of gas, and we don't know where we are, so we can't get a tow truck. Ross: Oh, now you want a favour? Phoebe: Yes, please. Ross: Well, oh, I'm sorry your car broke down Pheebs, but I'm a little too busy with some of my real friends right now, but please call to let me know you got home safely okay? Carol: (running over and grabbing the phone away from Ross) (on phone) Phoebe, hang on a second. (Hands Ross her keys) Here, take my car, go pick up your friends. Ross: No, I'm not gonna pick them up. Carol: Listen, we both know you're gonna do it 'cause you're not a jerk. Okay? So you can either sulk here for a half hour and then go pick them up, or save us both time and sulk in the car. Ross: No, Rachel doesn't want me to.... Carol: Look, I-I-I am sorry that Rachel dumped you 'cause she fell in love with that Mark guy, and you are the innocent victim in all of this, but don't punish your friends for what Rachel did to you. Ross: Yeah, you're right. Carol: (on phone) Phoebe hang on a second Ross wants to say something. (listens) What? (listens) (to Ross) You slept with someone else?! Ross: We were on a break!!! Okay!! (grabs the phone) We were, we were..., (calms down) yeah. Where are you? I'll find you. (hangs up) Carol: You slept with another woman? Ross: Oh, you-you're-you're one to talk. [Scene: The rest stop, Joey is making a sign.] Joey: Okay, done. Monica: (reading the sign) What's 'pleh'? Joey: That's 'help' spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air! Monica: Huh. What's doofus spelled backwards? [Ross drives up.] Rachel: (all excited) Op, op, car! Car!! (sees it's Ross) Ugh!!! Phoebe: Oh, it's Ross on one of his drives! Chandler and Joey: Hey!! Phoebe: Hi! Rachel: What is he doing here?! Ross: He is saving your butt, ah, unless of course I'm stepping on some toes here, in which case I can just mosey on, I've got plenty of people to help on the Interstate. All: No! Come on! Rachel: All right!! Fine! Fine. [Ross grabs the gas can he brought along, and walks through Joey's sign destroying it.] Joey: Arrrghh!! Chandler: Oh no, now it's not gonna make any sense! Phoebe: (to Chandler and Monica) You guys, what, what do we do about Ross who drove all the way up here? What do we do? Just like send him back and we're then gonna go skiing? Chandler: Oh, this is horrible, it's just horrible. Joey: Guys, do you think we should ask Ross to come along? Monica: I know, what about Rachel? I mean how are we even gonna ask her? Rachel: Ask me what? Monica: Umm, if ah, it might be okay if Ross came skiing? Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey: No, I wasn't gonna ask you that, no. Rachel: You guys are unbelievable. No! He cannot come. Ross: Excuse me? Chandler: It's horrible. Ross: (sarcastic) Oh please, can't I come to your special, magical cabin? Rachel: Why would you even want to come Ross? You're a horrible skier. Ross: Oh-oh, hitting me where it hurts, my ski skills. Monica: Here we go again. Joey: I-I can't handle this, you guys. Chandler: Y'know what, I can handle it, handle's my middle name. Actually it's the ah, middle part of my first name. Ross: All right Pheebs, your cab's ready. Rachel: All right, let's go! Ross: You're welcome. Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, were you speaking to me or sleeping with someone else? Ross: We were on a break! Rachel: Y'know Ross why don't you put that on your answering machine! Ross: Hey-hey, it's valid okay? And I'm not the only one who thinks so, Monica agrees with me. Rachel: (to Monica) What?! Monica: (shyly) I don't know. Ross: That's what you said last night. Monica: What I said was, was that I understood. Joey's the one who agreed with you! Ross: Okay. Rachel: Really Joey? Joey: (pause) What? Phoebe: Y'know what, but there is, there is no right or wrong, here. Rachel: No, I think it's very obvious who's wrong here. Ross: Obviously not to Joey. [They all turn around and look at Joey.] Joey: (pause) What? [They all start fighting with each other.] Ross: (to Rachel) Look both, Joey and Monica feel the same way that I do. No-no-no-no. Chandler: Guys, guys, guess who I am?! (starts dancing around in an effort to stop the fighting.) [They stop briefly to look at Chandler, but then start fighting again.] Phoebe: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! Hey!!! (they all stop fighting, Chandler continues to dance.) Look what you're doing to Chandler!! (Chandler finally stops) (to Ross and Rachel) Yeah, look, we know this is really, really hard for you guys. Okay? (Ross starts to leave) You don't, all right you don't have to love each other, okay? You don't, you don't even have to like each other much right now. But please, you have to figure out a way to be around each other. Joey: Yeah, and not put us in the middle. Phoebe: Yeah, otherwise, I mean that's, that's, that's just it for us hanging out together. Y'know is that what you want? (they both look away) Can you be civil? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: I can. Phoebe: Okay. Good, all right, let's get back in the car, 'cause it's freezing, and my chest is unsupported. Joey: Oh what, wait, wait a second, I mean, what are we doing? Who's going with who? Ross: Look, you guys, you guys should go. (Joey tries to say something, but Ross cuts him off.) No, I'm, you, you planned this all out, and I don't want to ruin it, so you guys should just go. Joey: Come on man, you drove all the way up here. Ross: No, no, really, I've got to take the car back anyway, I'm spending all day tomorrow with Ben, It's fine, no guilt I promise. Rachel: Thank you. Monica: All right, we'll call you when we get back. Ross: Okay. Phoebe: Maybe we can like go to a movie or something. Ross: Okay. Phoebe: Or, or the rodeo!! Ross: That would be great. Phoebe: Okay! Chandler: I was being Shelly Winters from The Poseidon Adventure. Ross: I know! [They all get in the cab and drive away.] Phoebe: Bye!!! [Ross tries to start the truck, and discovers the battery's dead.] Closing Credits [Scene: Carol and Susan's, Carol is running to answer the door.] Carol: (looking through the peephole) Ugh. (opening the door) Ross! Ross: (entering) Hi! Sorry I'm late. Were you sleeping? Carol: Ahh, nooo!! Ross: Oh, great! Listen, oh I had to get you a whole new battery. I got you the best one I could, 'cause that's not where you want to skimp. Carol: You're a genius, Ross. Ross: Yeah, well it came to about $112, but what the hell, just call it an even 110? Carol: Okay, I'll pay you tomorrow. (pushes him out the door) Ross: Okay. Carol: Okay, bye!! Ross: So they ah, they all took off, it was pretty hard watching them go, y'know? Carol: Yeah, okay, bye. (closes the door, turns out the lights, and runs back to the bedroom) Ross: (outside the door) So I'm gonna take off then!
Plan: A: Rachel; Q: Who mocks Ross when he arrives? A: a weekend ski-trip; Q: What does everyone go on minus Ross? A: the car; Q: What runs out of gas on the highway? A: a break; Q: What did Monica and Joey agree they were on? A: Chandler; Q: Who starts smoking again? A: Phoebe; Q: Who implores the group to be civil with one another? A: the group; Q: What does Phoebe fear will disintegrate if everyone is not civil with one another? Summary: Ross and Rachel have grown to hate each other, which divides the other friends' time between the estranged couple. Everyone minus Ross heads off for a weekend ski-trip. When the car runs out of gas on the highway, they are forced to call Ross, angering Rachel. When Ross arrives, Rachel mocks him, leading Ross to say that Monica and Joey agree with him that they were on a break, and that she is being petty. That leads to everyone fighting and Chandler smoking again. Phoebe implores them to be civil with one another, otherwise the group will disintegrate.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Dan : Maybe we need a vacation. Tree Hill. I want to go home. Hello, Nathan. Brooke : I think I'm pregnant. I don't know how Julian's gonna take it. Doctor : The test came back negative. You're not pregnant. Brooke : What do you mean you're on your way to Alex's hotel room? Julian : She found some cocaine and she thinks she may relapse. Alex : I don't understand. Julian : You've been lying all night. Mouth : Blowing Brooke off, messing up at work, partying all the time, and now these pills. Millicent : It's a lot of pressure to fit in. and for once, I want to fit in. Clay : I'm gonna ask for four years. We'll take three. It's how the game's played, Nate. Nathan : You're sure they won't stop playing? Clay : Buddy, trust me. Nathan : All right. Quinn : What are you afraid of? Clay : To move on. To feel something for someone new. But I'm tired of being afraid. I... Reporter : Big news in the NBA -- the charlotte bobcats have opened up their checkbook and capped themselves out, acquiring Derek McDaniel in a hush-hush deal late today. That's bad news for local star Nathan Scott, who is going to have to find a spot elsewhere, if at all. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Reporter : In the national league, the dodgers beat the cardinals... Haley : Nathan, what's happening? Nathan : They signed a point guard. Haley : Well, what does that mean? Nathan : It means -- it means I lost my job. Haley : But... Nathan : Look, they signed Derek McDaniel, okay? He's an all-star, he plays my position, and he costs a lot of money. Haley : Okay. Nathan : There's a salary cap, all right? Each team can only spend so much money. That report said the team's capped out. Haley : So that means -- Nathan : They're done. The Roster's locked. They signed a point guard, and it's not me. I have to go see clay. Haley : Nathan, can clay fix this? Nathan : No. As of five minutes ago, I'm not gonna be a bobcat. You know, I told clay to make sure that he closed this deal for me, and he said he would. Now I want him to look me in the eye and tell me why he lied to me. AT ALEX'S HOTEL ROOM Julian : You lied to me. Alex : Julian, wait! It was full of cocaine! I swear! Julian : Come on, alex. You were lonely and you wanted me here, So you made up some story about a cocaine vial that you knew was empty. Alex : That's not true. i wouldn't lie to you. Julian : Oh, right, because your track record of not lying is so impeccable. Alex : I don't deserve that. Julian : Then where is it? You tell me what -- what the cocaine fairy did with your supposed vial of blow, and I'll take it all back. Until then, don't call me ever. Dan : Who you are is who you are. We're liars. We're thieves. We're addicts. We take our happiness for granted until we hurt ourselves or someone else. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Julian : Brooke, are you awake? Could you open the door, please? I'm sorry. Dan : We hold grudges. and when faced with our mistakes, we reinvent the past. We reinvent ourselves. At least, we try. We're prideful and we're lustful and we are incredibly flawed. And eventually...our flaws catch up to us. AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE Clay : Nate. What's up? Nathan : We need to talk. Clay : What's wrong? Nathan : What's wrong? What's wrong is I don't have a job. Clay : It's gonna be okay. we countered. Nathan : And? Clay : And I'm waiting to hear back. Nathan : Well, you can stop waiting. The bobcats just signed Derek McDaniel. Clay : No, they wouldn't do that. That would cap'em out. Nathan : It did cap them out! That was my team, clay! We were building something! Clay : Hold on. Wait. Where did you hear this? Nathan : It's on "sports center," for god's sake, clay! You're my agent! What the hell have you been doing?! Quinn : Baby, where's that beer you promised? Nathan : No, I --I take it back. you were my agent. Clay : No. Nate, would you just wait? Nathan : You knew how important it was for my family that I play close to home. Clay : I know that. Nathan : So why didn't you close the deal?! Clay : Because I thought we could do better. Nathan : Oh, that's great. I asked you to do two things for me -- Make sure i play for the bobcats and stay away from Quinn. You're fired. Enjoy your date. Clay : What? Nate! Nate! Clay : Gene, you told me you weren't pursuing any other point guards. You said you were negotiating with Nathan, And that you were spending the rest of your money on a center. Absolutely Derek McDaniel's a fantastic player, but we were in the middle of a negotiation. So I assume that the 2-year offer is -- You're capped out. Right. Yeah. I'm -- I'm sorry, too. I appreciate you taking the call so late at night... Negotiations are about risks. You take calculated risks. I was doing what I thought was right. Quinn : Of course you were. Clay : I made a mistake. Quinn : Can I help you? Clay : No. But thank you. I, uh, I actually should -- I should probably just call my bosses and just see what I could do for Nathan somewhere else in the league. So, you know, you -- you probably should get going. Quinn : Yeah. You know, just... I dragged you along to the volunteer thing, and I was here tonight, and - Clay : It's not your fault. Quinn : I'm so sorry. Clay : Hey, it's not your fault. Come here. Quinn : If there's anything that I can do... Clay : There's not... But thank you. I'll call you. Quinn : Look, you should call Nathan and talk to him. You know that he loves you. Clay : Yeah. AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Lauren : Antwon, it's 3:00 a.m. Skills : I know, baby. I was checking to see if Julian called. He said he was gonna hook me up with his sports-coordinating contacts. Lauren : I know that's what he said, and I'm sure he will, but nobody's gonna call at 3:00 in the morning. Skills : He could. Lauren : He won't. Nobody's up 3:00 a.m. Skills : Somebody's up. Mouth : Millie? Millicent : Oh, hey. Mouth : What's going on? Millicent : I'm getting rid of my fat clothes. Mouth : At 3:00 in the morning? Millicent : I couldn't sleep. Mouth : okay. Uh, do you want some company? Millicent : No. It's okay. You can sleep. I'll come to bed when I'm done. Mouth : Millie, are you okay? Millicent : Never been better. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Quinn : Hey. What are you doing up? Haley : Worrying. What are you doing out? Quinn : I was at clay's. Haley : Yeah, I know. Quinn : Do you know Nathan fired him? Haley : Yep. Quinn : yeah. It's not right, Haley. Haley : Don't talk to me about what's right. In fact, don't even talk to me at all. Quinn : Oh, are you gonna fire me, too, because I was with clay? Haley : You feel bad for clay? Quinn : Of course I do. Haley : You should. You were a huge part of him getting fired tonight. And you know it. Why don't you sleep on that? AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : How'd you sleep? Julian : Not good. Brooke : Good. Julian : I'm sorry. I thought Alex was in trouble, and I reacted. Brooke : She okay? Julian : She's fine. Brooke : Imagine that. Julian : Brooke, you would have done the same thing if she would have called you. Brooke : Yeah, but she didn't call me. She called her boyfriend I mean, my boyfriend. Julian : Look, I know we were supposed to have a night together, but we can do that tonight. Or any night, okay? Don't get upset. Brooke : I'm not upset about that. Julian : Yes, you are. Brooke : Not about that. Julian : Well, what else is there? Brooke : I thought I was pregnant. Julian : What? Brooke : I'm not. So you're good. Julian : I would have been good if you were. If we were. Brooke : Don't say that to me. Julian : You knew last night. I'm such an idiot. Come here. I'm sorry. I messed up. Are you sad? Brooke : A little. Julian : It's gonna be okay. AT ALEX'S HOTEL ROOM Millicent : Hey. Alex : Hey Millicent : I need more clothes. Mine a way too big. Alex : Did you ever hear of this place called a store? They actually sell clothes. Millicent : the "sell" part's the problem. I'm so broke right now. Alex : Well, then you need to call my agent, like I told you. How'd you get in, anyway? Millicent : I've had a key to your place since, like, forever, member? Alex : Which explains why you've pretty much taken everything in there. You're up early. Millicent : I didn't sleep. I mean, I couldn't sleep. I just totally sorted through my clothes and threw out, like, 90% of it. Most of it was ass-ugly anyway. Alex : Yeah. AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE Clay : Nate, it's clay. Look, I know you're upset, man, and you have every right to be, but will you at least please call me back? We've been friends for a long time, and... I'm sorry. Just call me back. AT TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL Dan : Rachel? Rachel : Oh. Hi, baby. Dan : Hi. What's going on? Rachel : Well, I came here last night just to take a walk down bad memory lane, and I had an idea. For sweeps. We do a live broadcast... right from here. Dan : From the hallway where I murdered my brother? Rachel : Exactly. Dan : Where one of your classmates committed suicide? Rachel : I was in the classroom that day. I can lend an authenticity to it. We can reach out to the disenfranchised or whatever. And you can finally come to term with the choices you made that day. Oh. It'll be riveting television. Dan : Little insensitive, isn't it? Rachel : Not as insensitive as murdering your brother. Think about it. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Julian : What? Alex : I know who took the coke. Julian : Alex, you... Okay. Why not? Who? Alex : I can't tell you. Julian : It's perfect. Y-You know what? It doesn't matter. Alex : It does matter. You said you didn't want to speak to me. Julian : No, Alex, it doesn't matter. I just got off the phone with my dad. I was about to call you. It's not happening for the script. Alex : What do you mean? A-Already? Julian : It's good script, Alex. It's just... There are a few other scripts with similar story lines already in production. Alex : But our-- Our script is good. I mean, it-- It's great. Julian : It's just bad timing. Alex : So it's really over? Just like that? Julian : Yeah. I'm sorry. AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE Clay : Ken, I'm sorry. Yeah. I heard that Sacramento was gonna sign McDaniel I had been told done deal. No, I- I wasn't being overly aggressive. They offered Nathan two years. I countered at four, but-- Yeah, there was a 2-year offer on the table, but-- I said I'm sorry, sir. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : Don't expect me to say I'm sorry. Quinn : You shouldn't have fired him. Nathan : It's business, Quinn. Quinn : No, it's personal, and you know that it is. Nathan : Do you like staying here? In your big guestroom? 'Cause I just lost my job, Quinn. It is business. Quinn : Talk to him. Nathan : It's not him. It's his agency. Quinn : Nathan, do what you have to do, but please don't tell them that you fired him. He's going through some stuff, and he has always been there for you. Just think about it, please? Nathan : This is Nathan. Yes. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Victoria : Brooke?! Brooke : What are you doing here? Victoria : You asked me to come. Brooke : I did not. Victoria : Well, not in so many words, but a call after midnight with no message is a call for help. So, what's wrong? It's Julian and Alex, isn't it? Brooke : Kind of. It's... Julian and Alex and me. It's the new line and my idea for the men's line. It's... all of it. Victoria : And where's Millicent? Or does my boss no longer help you now that she's one of them? Brooke : Millicent is the least of my worries right now. Victoria : Clothes over bros. It's for you. It's Millicent's agent. Brooke : Millicent has an agent? Victoria : Spencer and Heidi people. Go figure. Brooke : I wonder what she wants. AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Brooke : $500,000?! Millicent : That's what you paid Alex. Brooke : She's an award-Winning actress. Millicent : Not anymore. Now she's one of two faces of clothes over bros. Oh, wait. You fired her. That leaves me. Brooke : Millie... You hear the words coming out of your mouth? Millicent : The campaign's a hit for us, Brooke. The press loves it. I just want what's fair. Brooke : What's fair? What's fair?! What's fair is that we're friends! What's fair is that you started out as my assistant, and I trained you to run the entire company! What's fair is that when you were miserable in New-York, I moved you home so you could be with Mouth! Millicent : And I appreciate all of that. But I don't see how it has anything to do with this. Brooke : Well, it does. Because you're being ungrateful. You are an ungrateful employee. Millicent : No. I'm an ungrateful model. And that costs more. AT RED BEDROOMS RECORDS Nathan : Bad time? Haley : Hey. No. Come on in. Nathan : You sure? 'Cause if you're writing the next "wanted dead or alive," I don't want to interrupt. Haley : Bon Jovi? Really? Nathan : I love that song. Haley : So... How you doing? Do I need to go platinum so we can keep the house? Nathan : No, not yet. The agency called this morning. They're saying all the right things but... You think I made the right decision by firing Clay. Haley : I don't know. It's a tough question. On one hand, he's Clay. You guys have been friends for over a year. And he's a huge reason why we are where we are today. Nathan : I know. Haley : On the other hand you're unemployed a bunch of million dollars poorer. He didn't do what you told him to, and you're not gonna be able to play close to home next season. And he's sneaking around with Quinn. Nathan : I know. That's a lot. Haley : Yeah, it is. You said the agency called Did you them that you fired him? Nathan : No. Quinn said he's going through some stuff, so. Haley : Yeah. Quinn's going through some stuff. You know, we're all going through some stuff. This is your career, and we've sacrificed a lot for it. I think you should put yourself first. Nathan : I need to make a call. AT THE RIVER COURT Skills : Man, I thought you was never gonna call. Julian : I said I would. Why, you waiting by the phone? Skills : No. Julian : All right, so there's this sport-coordination company called Sports-Arc. They do a bunch of TV show and movies. They want to talk to you. Skills : That's what I'm talking about. Baby, that's good looking out. Julian : So they're out in LA. They're a great bunch of guys, you just got to call them and introduce yourself. I'll huh... I'll text you the number. Skills : Wait, so if... if they're in LA, would I still be able to work from here like you do? Julian : Uh, eventually, but I think you'd have to move out there for a little while, at least at first. Skills : Okay, so... Los Angeles. Julian : Look, I got to take off. I'll text you their number. I hope it all works out, all right? Skills : All right thanks again man. I owe you one. Julian : Don't worry about it. AT ALEX'S HOTEL ROOM Millicent : Alex? Hey, what's up? Alex : Just waiting for a text. Millicent : Okay. You sounded weird on the phone. Alex : You need to stop doing cocaine. Millicent : What? You're a funny bitch. Alex : Don't call me a bitch. You need to stop doing cocaine. And you know I say that with no judgment and a lot of experience because it's my cocaine you've been doing. Millicent : Alex... Alex : That you took out of my closet with all of my clothes Miss "I've been up all night and I have my own key to your room." So don't lie to me. Millicent : I'm sorry. Alex : Have you ever done coke before this? Then trust me -- it's time to stop. I will. And you can? Millicent : Of course I can. I just wanted to try it, but I don't need to do it. Alex : That's right. You don't. You can roll with me, and we'll have a blast. But I can't be around cocaine, and I can't have friends that are doing it. I won't. Millicent : Okay. I promise. I'm done. Alex : Okay. Now come here. I need a hug. Millicent : Why? Alex : Because I have to stop my drug, too. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke : She must be high. Victoria : No I'm not high. I just had three martinis at lunch. Okay, I'm a little buzzed. Brooke : Not you drinky. Millicent. She expects me to pay her $500,000 to model for this company. Victoria : That's not high. That's smoking crack. Brooke : that's what I said! You know, this is all Alex's influence. That little bitch has been a pain in my perfect pilates ass since she rolled out of rehab and landed here. Victoria : You leave Alex to me. But, you know, as far as Millicent -- The campaign's working. Brooke : That is not the point mother. Victoria : Actually, it is. I'm just saying that, you know, we can negotiate, find a happy meeting. Brooke : Forget it. I'm closer to firing her than to negotiating with her. Victoria : I understand. I do. But you can't fire everyone. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Clay : Hey. Quinn : Hey. They're in the living room. Clay : How long have they been here? Quinn : About 20 minutes. I called you as soon as I found out. Clay : Thanks. Quinn : Yeah. Ken : I can't reiterate enough that while this is a setback, we feel like there's still a great deal to make for you with another team. Clay : And what deal is that, Ken? Ken : I don't think this is the time or place, Clay. Quinn : I'll be upstairs with Jamie. Clay : With all due respect, I think it is. What deal were you gonna get Nathan, Ken? Jay : Actually, we've o... Clay : Shut up, Jay. What teams have you spoken with? 'Cause since last night, I talked to every GM or assistant GM in the league. Nate, this is what they do, all right? At the first sign of blood, they insist upon seeing you, and they promise you a ton of things they can't deliver. Nathan : Actually, I called them. Ken : Clay, Nathan tells us you're not representing him anymore. And we respect that, considering what happened with the Bobcats. Clay : And? Ken : And I think it's best if you resign and leave the agency. Clay : No, I can't do that. I made a vow to someone that I would never quit and I'm not about to betray that now. Ken : Then, unfortunately, as of today, you're no longer employed by ISC. You're not to enter your office here or Los Angeles. Kelly will send you your personal belongings. Kelly : I'm sorry, Clay. Clay : It's okay, Kelly. I'm sorry, too. AT THE BAR Dan : This seat taken? Mouth : No, but yes. Dan : I appreciate what you did for Nathan. I assume since you're here, your station manager didn't. Good luck with the job hunt. Mouth : It doesn't matter... what you did and what I did. Nathan still lost his job. Dan : Since when? Mouth : Since they signed Derek McDaniel. Television's funny, isn't it? It can erase all your mistakes or hold them against you. Dan : Doesn't erase anything. And you didn't make a mistake. Remember that. AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Millicent : 0 is so a size. Hey. It's Millie. I need a favor. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : Wow, look at that. My sister, Quinn, running away again. Quinn : You know, before you say anything else like that, you might want to remember that I can kick your ass. Haley : Going home? Quinn : I'm going to Clay's. Haley : That is such a bad idea. Quinn : Yeah? So was firing him. I saw the look on Nathan's face when he saw me there. Haley : Really? You're gonna make this about you? This is about Nathan's career and business. Quinn : It's business, but it's not just business, and you know that, Haley. He was hurting, Haley. And he protected Nathan from it. He swallowed his pain, and he put Nathan first. And in trying to get you more and him more, something went wrong. And those things happen in business. Haley : "Something went wrong"? Maybe something went wrong because Clay got careless. Quinn : You mean with me. Because Clay was being careless and spending time with me. You know what? Fine. You can tell yourself that. But the truth is, Nathan doesn't have a deal because Clay didn't think it was good enough. He thought that Nathan was worth more than what they were offering him. How dare he, right? I mean, where does he get off holding Nathan in such high esteem that he thought that he deserved better? If that's the worst thing he ever does, if that's what he got fired for, then I'm happy he's not in Nathan's life anymore because Clay deserves better than that. He killed himself for Nathan. He believed in him, and he loved him. For what? Look, I love you, Hales, but this is wrong. So now you can sleep on that. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Julian : Hi. Brooke : They're beautiful. Julian : So are you. How you doing? Brooke : Not so good. Julian : Yeah, I know. Brooke : I don't think you do. Julian : No, I suppose I don't. But I want you to know something... I know that I've talked about slowing down and taking our time... but I want you to know that whenever we do get pregnant, that's gonna be a great day. And I'll be more than okay with it. Brooke : We're not gonna have that day. Julian : Baby, we will. Brooke : No, we won't. They didn't just tell me that... that I wasn't pregnant. They said I'm never gonna be. I can't. Julian : You can't have children? They told you that? Brooke : I'm sorry. Julian : Brooke... Hey, shh. Baby, it's okay. Brooke : It's not. Julian : It is. It's going to be. I love you so much. Brooke : But I want to have babies with you. I want to have a family. Julian : Then we'll get a second opinion. And a third, okay? We'll find the best doctors out there. Brooke : What if... Julian : Hey, shh, shh. I love you. That's all that matters. I love you. Brooke : I love you, too. AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Mouth : Millicent? Millicent : Just a minute. Mouth : You okay? Millicent : Yeah, I'm fine. Makenna's over. It's just... model stuff. Mouth : Okay. Um... I kind of have to use the bathroom. Millicent : Hold on. Hey. Mouth : Hey. Makenna : Hey. Mouth : You must be Makenna. Makenna : Yep. Bye. Mouth : What's going on, Millie? Millicent : What? Mouth : You're up all night. You're in the bathroom with strangers. Millicent : She's a friend. Mouth : Not to me. What's happening to you? Millicent : I don't... I'm sorry. I just... those diet pills. I'll cut back or I'll just stop taking them. Mouth : What's this all about? Millicent : I don't know. What is that? Mouth : Are you doing drugs? Millicent : Why are you saying that to me? Mouth : Because you're in the bathroom with some stranger, you're pacing around like a lunatic, and there's cocaine on your makeup mirror. Millicent : It was Makenna. She does it. I swear it was just her. I wanted to tell her no, but I work with her, and I just...wanted to be part of the group. Mouth : Are you doing cocaine, Millie? Millicent : No. I told you no. And I am so sick and tired of you being so threatened by all of this. It's like I can't do anything right anymore, and I'm really sick of it! And you need to stop! Stop accusing me of things, stop judging me... Mouth : I think this is yours. ON THE BEACH Clay : Sorry. Dan : A lifetime spent chasing a dream and you piss it all away? Clay : You don't know what you're talking about. Dan : Oh, yeah? Why don't you enlighten me? Clay : Why? What are you gonna do? Shoot me? Dan : Ever since Nathan was born, I had a vision for him, a dream! Clay : Let go! Dan : What did you do? Clay : Stop! He fired me! I'm not his agent! Dan : Yeah? Well, this is your lucky day, 'cause this is your baptism. You got any fight left in you, kid? Come on! That's it. Fight back. Fight back! There you go! You think getting fired is hard? Try going to prison! Try being given just days to live! Clay : You're out of your mind! Dan : Dan : Your new life starts today, kid. If you're worth anything at all, you'll find a way to make it right. Clay : I already told you! I'm not his agent anymore! Dan : Dan : And who's to blame for that? Your life is still your own. You want to be an agent? Go be an agent. Just put on a suit, for God's sakes. AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE Quinn : So wait... he just attacked you and then dragged you into the ocean? Clay : He said he was baptizing me. That if I wanted to be an agent, I need to wear a suit. Quinn : What? Clay : It isn't funny. Quinn : It's a little funny. Clay : That a murderer tried to drown me and then give me fashion advice... that's funny to you? The girl who's afraid of the ocean? Quinn : A little. Clay : It's a lit... it's a little funny, actually. I had all this coming. I was arrogant with Nathan's deal. I was arrogant in general. Quinn : You didn't deserve to be fired. Or to have a killer dunk your head and criticize your wardrobe. Clay : Thank you. I mean it. Quinn : You're welcome. I just... I feel terrible. You know, I know Nathan didn't want me here and... Clay : I want you here. Quinn : I left the house. I moved out. Clay : Stay here. Quinn : Yeah, I... I can't. I'm sorry. Clay : It's okay. Quinn : You know, I do think he was right about the suit. AT TRIC Victoria : So, I've been watching this little psychic bartender act you have going... the way you predict what people like to drink. What's the trick? Grubbs : It's no trick. I just pay attention to people. Victoria : Okay. What's my... drink? Grubbs : That's easy. You're a martini woman. Uh, you detest cheap vodka. And you like your martinis dirty, the dirtier the better. And you like your martinis shaken, a bit roughly, at that. Victoria : I'm looking for a lover. And you just made the list. Chase : Hi, Mrs. Davis. Victoria : I'm sorry. Do I know you? Chase : Really? Come on. Victoria : Oh, I remember. You know my daughter. Your name is Fetch or Dash or something. Chase : It's Chase. Victoria : Right. Grubbs : But I didn't just date your daughter. We were, uh, lovers. Victoria : Yes. For about 30 seconds, from what I've heard. Grubbs : We should shave that woman's head and check for the mark of the beast. I thought she was kind of hot. Alex : Hi, grungy, kind of hot bartender guy. Grubbs : Four shots of tequila, no salt, extra limes. Alex : Woah, and can you tell how I like to - Grubbs : Mostly on top. Alex : Huh. Nice. You just made the list. Hey. You okay? Millicent : No, I'm not. Alex : Me neither. Let's drink. Millicent : But your sober-- why did you do that? Alex : You know that text message I was waiting for? I never got it. Stay with me tonight, okay? Millicent : Sure. AT A BAR Dan : Not exactly what I meant when I said, "take control of your life." At least the suit looks nice. Guess some people just don't have the fortitude. Clay : My wife died. Suddenly and unfairly. But she believed in me, and she believed in what I wanted to do. So, I buried her, and I picked out her headstone, and then I went to work. So don't tell me about fortitude, and don't lecture me about dark days because this is far from my darkest day. Dan : You want to get a drink? Clay : I might be in a dark place. At least there's hope for me with Nathan. I wouldn't say the same for you. AT TRIC Alex : All right. Let's go someplace fun. Come on. Millicent : We should call a cab. Alex : Yeah, because that's how we roll. Millicent : Come on. Victoria : Yes, I'd like to report a drunk driver. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Quinn : Hey. Just wanted to say goodbye to Jamie. Haley : You staying with Clay? Quinn : No. a hotel. Okay. I'll see ya. Haley : Quinn. All my life I've looked up to you, my beautiful artist sister. But I don't anymore. you seem lost to me. You seem... Selfish. Quinn : I hope everything works out for Nathan. ON THE ROAD Policeman : Step out of the car, please. ON THE RIVER COURT Clay : You never called back. Nathan : There wasn't anything else to say. Clay : Except for this -- I'm sorry. Not for where I set the bar for you, but that I didn't get you what you wanted. You're the best client I've ever had. I'm gonna miss representing you. Yeah, but more than that...you were also the best friend I've ever had. I'm gonna miss that more. Good luck. IN JAIL/AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : Allo. Millicent : Brooke, it's Millicent. I'm sorry. I got arrested, and I need your help. Brooke : I can't help you. Julian : Who was that? Brooke : Nobody.
Plan: A: Nathan; Q: Who reaches the breaking point with Clay? A: a rift; Q: What does Nathan's behavior cause between Haley and Quinn? A: Brooke; Q: Who comes clean with Julian about her worries about Alex? A: Alex; Q: What does Brooke worry Julian is growing a connection to? A: Skills; Q: What character pursues a new career in LA? A: LA and Millicent's drug problem; Q: What is Skills's new career? A: Wolf Parade; Q: What band is the episode named after? Summary: Nathan reaches the breaking point with Clay, causing a rift between Haley and Quinn. Brooke comes clean with Julian about her worries regarding his growing connection to Alex. Meanwhile, Skills pursues a new career in LA and Millicent's drug problem worsens. This episode is named after a song by Wolf Parade .
[Traveler's Camp] (A woman is kissing Tyler) Maria: Wake up, babe (He wakes up) Maria: I've missed you. Julian? Is that still you? Tyler: Yeah. Bad dream. What were you saying? Oh. Look. I'm always up for a little bit of kink, but... Maria: Markos' orders. Put them on you as soon as you fell asleep. You're passengered in a hybrid. We can't risk him popping out. The pecs are a plus. But extra security's a minus Man: Maria, we're on the move Maria: Looks like this is gonna have to wait Tyler: Where are we going? Maria: To the next camp, which will hopefully be our last camp. Markos is ready to do the spell. He's taking the doppelgangers Tyler: Today? Maria: As soon as we're out of here.Soon, we can actually have a home, and I can finally have a closet.. Better yet, two closets, one for clothes and one for shoes. Julian? Julian? Babe, what's wrong? Open your eyes. Oh, my God. You're not... I need help! Somebody! [Salvatore's House] (Luke is here, chanting) Luke: That's not helping Damon: Well, you've been failing now for an hour, wonder twin, so at this point, I can't imagine it's hurting (Stefan enters) Stefan: Damon, I know you're out of friend, but, uh, I'm not sure this guy's the best replacement Damon: I don't think this guy's be the best anything if his locator spell skills are any indication. Where's your sister? Luke: She's tired of being almost murdered. Look. I can find any person anywhere on the planet, ok? There's just something weird with your friend Enzo. I can't get a read Stefan: Enzo? Didn't he, uh, go to Cape Horn? Damon: He flipped his humanity switch.There should have been a body count all the way to the airport Stefan: Well, why are you looking for him? Damon: Gee. I don't know, Stefan. Vampire with no humanity who wants me dead for killing his girl Stefan: Well, maybe he hired a witch to block whatever Luke's doing. Is that possible? Luke: A cloaking spell? I guess Stefan: That would mean that he doesn't want to be found, so, uh, why don't you just drop it? (Tyler enters) Tyler: We have a problem Tyler: Markos turned Sloan into a vampire, had her drink doppelganger blood, and after some chanting ritual thing, she turned human gain Damon: He cured her? Tyler: He cured her to death. The blood took away her vampirismbut left her in the state that she was in just before she turned Stefan: That state being dead. Got it Luke: So it kills vampires. What does the spell mean for the witches? Damon: No one cares. Wait. Keep going Tyler: The point is they feel if they can get rid of all magic they'll break some lame-ass witch curse Damon: Markos said they can't settle anywhere without evoking earthquakes or hellfire, but they break that curse and they just move right on into Mystic Falls Stefan: And come after Elena and me today, as in now Damon: Oh, well. Markos had a good week or two in the land of the living. Now where is he so I can kill him? Tyler: No idea. They were moving camp when I got out Damon: Well, good news. Our friend Luke here is an alleged genius at locator spells Luke: Travelers are always moving. They're impossible to track. They'll find Stefan and Elena long before we can find them Damon: Well, what about one of those locator spells blocker deals? Is that simple enough for you? Luke: If both doppelgangers are in the same place, yeah Damon: Perfect. You avoid the entire Czech language, figure out how to find Markos Tyler: How am I supposed to do that? Damon: Well, you have a traveler inside of you. I mean, I have probably misplaced faith that you'll figure it out. Meanwhile, you and I and our ex-girlfriend are gonna go on a little secret trip Stefan: Sounds great [Cabin in the Woods] (Stefan and Elena are at the car) Elena: This is a terrible idea Stefan: Well, what did you want me to say?"No, Damon. It will be awkward to have the 3 of us confined to Caroline's dad's cabin because I killed your best friend and Elena's keeping that secret for me"? Elena: We should have told him Stefan: Look. I don't trust that he'd be able to hold it together Elena: Because Enzo's dead or because you killed him? Stefan: Either, both. I don't know. Either way... (Caroline arrives) Caroline: Good news! So we don't have to be invited in,which is actually supersad if you think about it. Am I interrupting something? Elena: No, no. We're just, um... Stefan: Unpacking. We're unpacking. Uh, here you go Caroline: Ok... (She leaves) Elena: So where's Damon now? Stefan: Helping Luke set up Elena: Helping Luke or avoiding me? Stefan: You really don't think he wants to be around you? Elena: Well, technically, he said, "I don't want to hear your voice, and I don't want to see your face,"because it's too hard for him Stefan: Who do you think brought you home last night? Elena: Really? Stefan: Oh, yeah. Tucked you in safely Elena: Well, that was an extreme circumstance. Enzo almost killed me Stefan: Probably read you a nice, little bedtime story Elena: Stop it. You're the least helpful person I know Caroline: For a couple of doppeltargets,you two seem to be taking this all in stride Stefan: Yeah. Well, you know, a tribe of ancient wannabe witches want to drain of us our blood and eliminate supernatural beings? I've had worse (Caroline enters. Enzo's there) Enzo: For some reason, I thought that would feel better (Elena is unpacking. Damon rejoins her) Damon: Cozy Elena: Yeah. Caroline used to invite me here before her parents split. Her dad could tell a pretty good ghost story Damon: Well, I hope that dickwad's spirit isn't floating around anywhere Elena: Have a little respect for the dead Damon: I respect that he's dead. How about that? I'm supposed to be avoiding you Elena: Is that still what you want? Damon: Yes .No. I don't know Elena: Well, Luke did the cloaking spell. Stefan and Caroline are here, so we should be good... But if it's too hard for you to be here, then... Damon: You kicking me out? Elena: Yes. No. I don't know Damon: I'm really sorry Enzo came after you. That was my fault. He was hurt Elena: It's not a big deal Damon: It is a big deal.He almost killed you, Elena, so I'm gonna hunt his ass down, I'm gonna whip some sense to him, and I'm gonna make him apologize in person, ok? What? Elena: Hmm? No. Nothing. I just, uh... I just remembered that Stefan asked me to help him bring some firewood in, so I'll be right back [Whitmore College] (Bonnie and Jeremy are kissing) Bonnie: What? Jeremy: What are we gonna do about the other side slipping off into oblivion and you with it? Bonnie: We have the dorm to ourselves for an entire weekend, and you want to talk logistics? Jeremy: I'm just saying that I would enjoy this weekend a whole lot more if I knew we were gonna be able to keep doing it Bonnie: I told you Liv is working on a spell to keep me here (His cell phone rings) Bonnie: Oh. Another secret bro meeting? Jeremy: No more secrets, remember? Tyler's back. We should get over there. Let me grab my stuff (He leaves. Sheila appears) Sheila: Please tell me more about this special spell that your friend Liv has concocted Bonnie: I know I shouldn't lie Sheila: He deserves the truth, Bonnie. It's not getting any better over here. People are getting swept away, and when this place goes, you are going with it Bonnie: I know I have to tell him. I just need a few more days with him before I... How did you do that? How did you move that? You can't move things from the other side. That doesn't happen Sheila: That's what I'm trying to tell you. This place is falling apart. Tell him soon. False hope doesn't protect him. It protects you [A Shed] (Stefan and Elena go get firewood) Elena: I lied to his face Stefan: Yeah, I know, but you know what? Think of all the times he's lied to you and call it a freebie Enzo: Glad you two find my death so amusing Stefan: I'm sorry that you have to go through this Enzo: You're sorry for that? I'm glad we've got our priorities straight Elena: Look. I know that we're doing this for Damon, but it still just sucks Stefan: Elena, this is exactly what Enzo wanted. He wanted the blood to be on my hands, and I refuse to give him the satisfaction of feeling guilty about any of it Elena: And you think Damon is just gonna forget and move on? Stefan: He's done it before. Come on. Let's get out of here (They leave) Enzo: Now there's an interesting development [Cabin in the Woods] (Damon and Caroline are in the kitchen) Damon: Hey, munchie. Those are not for you Caroline: I'm thinking. Hey! Damon: "Area 51." Caroline: Stop! Damon: "J.F.K. assassination"? What the hell is that? Caroline: You're ruining the game Damon: What game? Caroline: Charades. Our theme is secrets that people think they're getting away with Damon: Well, Meryl Streep, I'd love to know how we're gonna act out Watergate Caroline: Well, I'm sure team Stelena will figure it out Damon: "A," you just implied that I was on your team. Two, you just gave me that judgy little hinty voice. So what am I missing? Caroline: It's probably nothing Damon: Speak Caroline: Well, don't you think that Stefan and Elena have been a little... You know? Damon: No. Clearly I don't Caroline: Secretive? I caught them being all hushed and whispery at the car this morning, and now they're getting firewood out of the shed together, which apparently takes 20 minutes Damon: You know, now that you mention it, Elena got all cagey when I brought up Enzo Caroline: No, no. I'm not talking about Enzo. I'm talking about Stefan and Elena Damon: How much have you had to drink? Caroline: Come on! She's single now, you two are on the outs (Stefan and Elena enter) Elena: Cocktails. Good call Stefan: I'll, uh... I'll make a fire Elena: I'll help. Ahem (They leave) Damon: Let the games begin [Salvatore's House] (Jeremy is in the basement. Bonnie rejoins shim) Bonnie: When we planned our romantic day together, I wasn't picturing you, me, and two other guys Jeremy: Trust me, neither was I (Jeremy and Bonnie rejoin Matt and Tyler) Jeremy: One part wolfsbane, one part vervain. All together, the dumbest idea that either of you have ever had Matt: Don't look at me. This is all Ty. Tyler: These should hold. Let's do this Bonnie: Not to be the only girl here, but I can't watch this. I'm gonna go upstairs Matt: Ty, once this guy pops out, we have no idea when you'll come back again Tyler: Some freak is inside my body.He took over my life.God only knows what he's got planned for me, so unless you've got any better ideas, this is what we're doing Matt: Ok. Let's do this Tyler/Julian: Who are you? Where am I? Matt: Where's Markos? Tyler/Julian: Go to hell Matt: To answer your question, my name is Matt, and you, Julian, are inside my best friend, aka your own personal hell [A Parking Lot] (The Travelers are moving) Markos: Maria. Julian's your husband. Why didn't you realize he wasn't in control of the body? Maria: He'd only been called out for a few hours. I've never seen a host reemerge so quickly Markos: You've never seen a hybrid before either. Find him!And make him permanent. As for the rest of you, I see a lot of walking when I should be hearing chanting. Find me the doppelgangers [Cabin in the Woods] (They are playing charades) Stefan: Uh, ok. Think. Ponder. Brain. I don't know. Uh, skull! Elena: Yes! Stefan: All right! Skull, skull.Ok. Limb. Joint. Bone, bone. Skull and bones. Skull and bones! Got it! 5-0, 5-0. Come on guys, this is it Damon: Ok. Let's play a game called never have I ever, hmm? Elena: Oh, I don't think I'm drunk enough Caroline: Oh, come on! It'll be fun! Come on. It'll be fun. I'll go first.Never have I ever died Damon: Cheers to that one. Cheers Stefan: Ooh! Ok. Um, never have I ever been possessed by my evil doppelganger Elena: Mean. Never have I ever been fooled by evil doppelganger while she was pretending to be me Caroline: Low blow Damon: Tough but fair Elena: Never have I ever kissed a Salvatore brother. Today. So are you gonna drink or... Elena: Are you implying something? Stefan: Well, I'm gonna get another round. Does anybody... Damon: Never have I ever lied about where Enzo is Caroline: Ok. What is going on? Stefan: Nothing obviously because nobody's drinking Damon: I mean, clearly you know the rules of the game, right, brother? If you lied, you drink Stefan: Oh, no. I understand the rules Elena: This just got weird. I'm officially buzzed, so I'm gonna go and get ready for bed Damon: Well, I could certainly use another round (Elena is in the bathroom. Enzo's here too) Enzo: Avoiding, are we?Nothing a hot bath won't fix. Wash the guilt straight down the drain Elena: Damon! (Damon enters) Damon: Elena! Come here. Come on. What happened? Elena: There was someone in here Damon: Who? Elena: I don't know. I didn't... I didn't see anyone, but I could feel someone pushing me under the water Damon: Ok. I'd blame it on the spirit of Bill Forbes, but I don't think you're his type. Besides, why would a ghost be targeting you? Hey. Elena Elena: Damon Damon: What? Hey [SCENE_BREAK] [Salvatore's House] (Matt and Jeremy are still in the cell) Matt: There's plenty more where that came from. Where's Markos? Tyler/Julian: What does it matter to you? Jeremy: He wants to kill my sister. I want to stop him Tyler/Julian: You're a fool. Markos destroyed your only weapon against passengers like me, and there's no way in hell you'd ever kill your best friend Matt: You're right. I don't plan on killing you, but I do plan on getting my answers. Where's Markos? Tyler/Julian: Stop! I can't tell you where Markos is because I don't know, but I can tell you where my body is Jeremy: Why do we care? Tyler/Julian: Because Markos doesn't like problems, and your boy escaping camp means he's Markos' problem Matt: So? Tyler/Julian: So knowing Markos,he's gonna want to get rid of Tyler for good by making this my body permanently [Cabin in the Woods] (Stefan is on the phone with Bonnie) Bonnie: Stefan, hey. Remind me why I passed on the cloaking spell party again Stefan: Well, it's not exactly a relaxing getaway. Listen. Are things getting worse on the other side? Bonnie: Why? Stefan: Because something attacked Elena. Is it possible that someone over there could physically affect this plane? Bonnie: Actually, yeah. My grams knocked a lamp right off my desk today. I doubt it's easy, but if someone were emotional enough... Stefan: Enzo Caroline: Enzo's dead? Stefan: Yeah. I, uh, I killed him Caroline: So my powers of deduction really suck. Why didn't you say anything? Stefan: Because it's complicated Damon: Enter the complication. Enzo's dead. You killed him. Elena told me Caroline: So you didn't know either? Damon: Nope Caroline: And their secret really was about Enzo Damon: Yep Stefan: You guys think we could, um, talk about this some other time? Damon: By all means, brother. At your convenience Stefan: Listen. The other side is falling apart, and I think it's allowing Enzo to mess with us Damon: Enzo! You in here? Enzo: Don't reckon I'd miss this Damon: Because knock it off! Caroline: It doesn't make any sense. If Enzo wanted to kill Elena,drowning her wouldn't have worked Enzo: Smart girl. See why you like her so much Stefan: Maybe he's just trying to scare us Enzo: Warmer. Come on! You've almost got it What is Enzo up to? Damon: Drowning Elena was just a distraction. He figured out a way to kill us all in one fell swoop Enzo: Did I mention that I missed you? (Damon, Caroline and Stefan go outside) Damon: Crap Stefan: Where's Luke? Damon: Who knows? We better find him before the travelers find us [A Parking Lot] Markos: Stop! I found them [The Woods] (Caroline and Elena are looking for Luke) Caroline: Luke? Luke? Where are you? Elena: Maybe Luke... You're upset Caroline: I'm not upset. Just looking for Luke,you know, Luke, who was here to protect you and Stefan, Luke, who's now missing because you and Stefan lied about where Enzo was, and now the travelers can find you,do their spell, and wipe us all off the face of the earth Elena: I was worried that if Damon found out... Caroline: What, he'd flip out and spiral and kill a bunch of innocent people? Yeah, I get that. I, however, am not Damon,so the fact that you lied to me about it makes less sense Elena: I just didn't want to put you in an awkward position Caroline: Because it wasn't awkward when I accused you and Stefan of being makeout buddies again? Elena: Actually, yes, it was. Where did that even come from? Caroline: I have no idea Elena: Well, are you over it? Caroline: Yes Elena: Good. Now let's go find Luke (Damon and Stefan are also looking for Luke) Stefan: You need to know why I lied to you Damon: Nope, I don't Stefan: Damon, come on Damon: Let's just cut to the chase, Stefan, because I'm not in a hash out our differences kind of mood. Yes, I'm pissed that you killed Enzo. I'm even more pissed that you two lied to me about it. You know what, Stefan?If it was me and I was in your shoes, I would have done it, too, except I would have done it months ago. The fact that you took this long... Stefan: He was your friend Damon: Yes, Stefan, he was my friend, which is why I, above anyone else, should have known that he was dead. Let's just find the stupid witch [The Caves] Bonnie: Of course the creepy travelers are hiding their bodies in creepy caves Jeremy: Try to think of them as romantic travelers and romantic caves since we're technically still on our date weekend Bonnie: Right. Oh, my God. These travelers are passengered inside people in Mystic Falls? Jeremy: I take it back. This is creepy [The Woods] Damon: What'd you think I was gonna do? Stefan: What are you talking about? Damon: When I found out Enzo was dead? Did you think I was gonna go on a rampage, slaughter a bunch of innocent people, go bowling with human heads? What'd you think I was gonna do? Stefan: Hate me. I thought you would, uh, hate me Damon: You hear that? Stefan: Yeah. Come on [A Shed] (They find Luke) Stefan: He's barely breathing Damon: Why the hell would Enzo dump him here? Damon: Smell that? Grab him. Let's go. Dick move, Enzo. If only this wasn't totally avoidable Stefan: Oh, really? Now you're doing "I told you so"? Damon: This isn't gonna stop, Stefan. I killed his girl, you killed him. This is not gonna stop Enzo: He's right. I like poetic justice. Damon Salvatore and his murderous brother die a fiery death Damon: You listening to me? Is that a yes or a no? Because I can bring you back. Bonnie came back, Markos came back. I'll find a way, but this has to stop. How do you think you're able to do all this stuff, huh? The other side's falling apart, Enzo, so you can either help me, or you can blink out of existence. It's your choice.Go on, Stefan. Get Luke out of here. He's the only one that can hide you and Elena. Go now! Enzo: Don't let me down again [The Caves] Bonnie: You're sure Julian has an eagle tattoo? Jeremy: That's what he said. I'm pretty sure that's a dove Bonnie: Or a really cute eagle. Moving on Jeremy: Look. I'm sorry. This is the worst date ever Bonnie: We're together in a cave of semiconscious travelers, who want to take over our town, but it could be worse, right? Maria: Right. It could be Bonnie: Jeremy?! Jeremy! Maria: He may be a hunter, but you'd be surprised at how easy it is to restrict a man's airways Bonnie: Please stop!Stop! Jeremy. Jeremy! Stop! [Cabin in the Woods] (Stefan is with Luke) Stefan: Feeling ok? Luke: Liv and I should have killed you when we had the chance Stefan: Yeah. Well, you didn't, and, uh, I don't understand why, but thank you Luke: Let's just say my family's pretty screwed up, not a whole lot of compassion. You guys are different.You protect each other Stefan: Well, we still need you to protect us, so why don't you get your stuff and we can get the hell out of here? Luke: Yeah (Damon enters) Stefan: I guess Enzo bought it Damon: Bought what? Stefan: Bring him back. I mean, how do you plan on doing that? Damon: Markos found his way back. It's not impossible unless you want him terrorizing us for the rest of eternity Stefan: Not particularly. Uh, look. I know that... Damon: Had to do that for Enzo. That's the last time you'll hear about it from me Elena: Damon... [Salvatore's House] (Jeremy is back with Matt and Tyler) Tyler: What do you mean you lost Julian's body? Bonnie: You/he was right. The travelers wanted it Jeremy: But we'll find it.We just need to figure out where they went Tyler: Hold on. What do they need his body for? Guys, talk to me. Why did they take it? Matt: Ty, what's wrong? Tyler: I'm seeing things Jeremy: Tyler, talk to us Tyler: I don't know what the hell's happening. It's like I'm seeing his life Bonnie: Oh, my God. They started the spell to make Julian permanent Tyler: Make it stop. Make it stop! Jeremy: Tyler... Tyler/Julian: I take it you didn't find my body [A Shed] (Stefan rejoins Caroline) Stefan: Never have I ever had a ghost try to burn me alive Caroline: Drink Stefan: Come on. Car's packed. We got to get out of here Caroline: We're friends, right? We tell each other things, we trust each other Stefan: Caroline, it's not because I didn't trust you Caroline: No. It's just that you trust Elena more, and I get it. Of course you would. Still sucks to be left out of the loop, you know? Stefan: Well, if it makes you feel any better, there are things that I tell you that I don't tell her Caroline: Like what? Stefan: Like you have dirt on your cheek. And look. Maybe I didn't want you to know that I killed Enzo Caroline: Why? Stefan: Because I know you, and I know you guys had that weird little chemistry thing going on Caroline: Oh, please!You're delusional Stefan: I didn't want you to think any less of me. I'll, uh... I'll meet you over by the car when you're done [Cabin in the Woods] (Elena rejoins Damon) Elena: Hey Damon: Hey. We're leaving. Pack your stuff Elena: I will. I just came out to see how you're doing Damon: I'm in a hurry. You should be, too. The travelers can find us Elena: So that's it? We're not gonna talk about this? Damon: What's there to talk about? Elena: I'm sorry that I lied to you Damon: I don't care that you lied really Elena: Ok. I'm confused. Why are you being like this? Damon: Because you were right, Elena. You wanted to protect me so I wouldn't spiral because if I spiraled then it would prove that we shouldn't be together, but... But I didn't spiral. Despite every nerve in my body wanting to break something or hurt someone or do all the wrong things for all the right reasons, I'm holding it together the best I can for you Elena: But you're still mad at me? Damon: Of course I'm still mad at youbecause being around you drives me nuts, and not being around you drives me nuts Elena: Ok. Now I'm really confused.What was that for? Damon: Because I've had a really crappy day, and I needed it.
Plan: A: the Salvatore house; Q: Where does Tyler turn up with the news that Markos' plan to break the witches' curse? A: Markos; Q: Who is Tyler trying to find? A: Elena's Blood; Q: What is Markos trying to drain from Stefan and Elena? A: Damon; Q: Who suggested that Stefan and Elena hide out in the cabin owned by Caroline's father? A: Caroline; Q: Who comes up with a game designed to expose the truth? A: magic; Q: What does Luke use to hide Stefan and Elena? A: people; Q: Ghostly Enzo realizes he can physically interact with what in the real world? A: revenge; Q: What does Ghostly Enzo hope for when he realizes he can interact with people in the real world? A: Bonnie; Q: Who keeps the truth about the Other Side from Jeremy despite warnings from Grams? Summary: When Tyler turns up at the Salvatore house with the news that Markos' plan to break the witches' curse by draining Stefan and Elena's Blood, Damon suggests they hide out in the remote cabin once owned by Caroline's father and have Luke hide them with magic. Once there, it becomes obvious to Caroline that Stefan and Elena are keeping a secret, possible that they're back together, so Caroline comes up with a game designed to expose the truth. When Ghostly Enzo realizes he can physically interact with people in the real world, he quickly hopes for revenge. Meanwhile, Matt and Jeremy takes charge of Tyler's plan to find out where Markos is from the Traveler inside him, and Bonnie continues to keep the truth about the Other Side from Jeremy, despite warnings from Grams.
OPEN WITH LORELAI & RORY RIDING IN KIRK'S PEDI-CAB RORY: This is humiliating. LORELAI: Oh, no, we passed humiliating two minutes ago. RORY: Luke's gonna be completely out of doughnuts by the time we get there. LORELAI: I don't why he won't just buy six extra sprinkled ones, so we'd never have to have the conversation which we're going to have- if we ever get there. RORY: I got school in two hours. I'm never gonna make it. LORELAI: Kirk, how you doing? [Kirk nods head] You sure? You seem to be having a little trouble forming words there. KIRK: [Strained] No...fine...me. LORELAI: You know, you don't have to take us all the way to Luke's. RORY: Yes, Kirk, listen to her. KIRK: I offered you the first ride in Kirk's new Stars Hollow Pedi-cab, and that is exactly what you're gonna get. LORELAI: Okay. KIRK: Time just whizzes by when you're riding in a pedi-cab. GYPSY: Hey, guys. RORY: Hey, Gypsy. LORELAI: Hey, Gypsy. RORY: Gypsy just out-strolled us. LORELAI: We've gotta get outta here. KIRK: How we doing back there? RORY: We're doing fine, Kirk. KIRK: I figure this baby's gonna be a real money... LORELAI: A real money- moneywhat, Kirk? RORY: Kirk, can you breathe? [Kirk gasps for breath.] LORELAI: Talk to us. RORY: Hit the handlebars three times if you can breathe and two if you can't. He hit once. LORELAI: What does once mean? RORY: That he couldn't make it to twice? LORELAI: Kirk. Kirk, stop, please. KIRK: Just for a second. Then we'll be on our way... like the wind. LORELAI: Okay, you know what, Kirk? This has been really fun, but I think we'll just hoof it the rest of the way. KIRK: But the ride wasn't over yet. RORY: Yeah, but we don't want to hog the cab. LORELAI: 'Cause there's only one. RORY: But we'll tell our friends. KIRK: What was wrong with the ride? LORELAI: Uh, nothing. I mean, it's great for tourists who are new to the town and want to make sure they don't miss a thing. KIRK: I wasn't going that slow. LORELAI: No, you just maybe need a little more training before tourist season kicks in. You know, take a spinning class or buy some legs. RORY: Sorry, Kirk. KIRK: You will be sorry. [Calling after them] You'll be sorry you turned down the chance to ride in Stars Hollow's first... RORY: Now he's gonna hate us forever. LORELAI: No, he's not. He's just gonna hate us till something shiny comes by. KIRK: [Riding past them with ease] Well, well, well. I guess it wasn't me that was slowing things down. I guess it was my big, fat cargo. RORY: Hey! KIRK: Freshman 15! LORELAI: Kirk! KIRK: Can't wait to get my doughnut! LORELAI: Stay away from my doughnut, Kirk! I mean it! It's my doughnut! Freak! CUT TO YALE CAFETERIA PARIS: You might as well stick your head in a sugar bowl. RORY: If you can find one big enough. PARIS: You won't be able to eat like that forever, you know. RORY: What are you getting? PARIS: All bran. Asher turned me on to it. RORY: He's a romantic. PARIS: He wants me to live a long time and be healthy. That is romantic. RORY: Okay. Just a joke. No reflection on your man-friend. PARIS: So after breakfast, I'm going to pick up the sign for our table, and then I'll meet you in the courtyard. [Holding teabag] Antioxidants. RORY: Yeah, I'll meet you in the courtyard. PARIS: I'm actually really excited about this. I mean, it's our first social protest of significance in college. RORY: I know, it's so exciting. We actually get to do something important, make a difference, have a say in the world. PARIS: Wouldn't it be amazing if we could just get one Burmese political prisoner released because of our petition? RORY: You're thinking small, Geller. Let's get 'em all out. PARIS: Even the guilty ones. RORY: Hell, yeah. GLENN: Seriously? 'Cause that'd be great, really great. Okay, so I'll pick you up at 7:00, Saturday morning. JANET: Okay, Glenn. GLENN: Thank you, seriously. JANET: No problem, Glenn. GLENN: This is a turning point. You know how you have them, when even the angry voices in your head have to shut up for just a minute? RORY: Sure. PARIS: Why is he so happy? JANET: Oh, I couldn't get away earlier for spring break. My friends are leaving without me. I need a ride, Glenn has a van, and there you go. PARIS: You're going to ride to Florida with a guy who's bummed that he got turned down by that German cannibal? JANET: That was just a rumor and, yes, I'm desperate. RORY: Glenn's not that bad. I'm sure you'll be fine. JANET: Hey, there's extra room in the van, in case you guys need a ride. RORY: Oh, no, thank you. I don't think we're gonna do the whole spring break thing. PARIS: Ever since I broke up with Moondoggie, soakin' up the rays hasn't been the same. JANET: It's going to be really fun. You're missing out. RORY: I'm not really a spring break kind of gal, but thank you for the offer. JANET: Okay, but if you change your mind... PARIS: Gary Gilmore's got room in the car -- got it. RORY: Oh, Janet, if you have a chance, you should stop by and sign our petition for political prisoners in Burma. JANET: I'll try. Actually, I have to run out and get a new bathing suit before my class this afternoon. RORY: Okay. PARIS: [Calling after Janet] Think of all the tortured souls festering in Burma while you're at the size-2 rack. [To Rory] I hate that she's thin. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER LORELAI: [Sighs] Hey, Luke. LUKE: I saw you come in. I was gonna get to you, okay? LORELAI: Sorry? LUKE: If you don't like the service, you can go somewhere else. LORELAI: Who could not like the service? LUKE: I'm busy. You ready to order? LORELAI: Coffee for now. Is everything okay? LUKE: You're not gonna eat? LORELAI: No, I just came in for coffee and to show you something. We got the sample stationery and postcards for the inn. LUKE: What? LORELAI: You know, the stationery and the postcards that you leave in the guests' room so that they can write a letter home saying, "Having a great time- wish you were here." Which, of course, they don't, because you were the thing they were trying to get away from in this first place. LUKE: Nobody uses that stuff. LORELAI: Oh, sure they do. LUKE: I have never once stayed in a hotel and used the stationery or written a postcard. Are you gonna order? LORELAI: I did order, and what is with you? LUKE: Nothin'. I'm fine. The paper's fine. The postcards are fine. I don't know why you're showing them to me anyhow. LORELAI: Because you are an investor in the inn. I want to keep you apprised of the goings-on. LUKE: I am not an investor. I loaned you money. LORELAI: That is what investors do. LUKE: An investor goes to meetings. LORELAI: We're having a meeting. LUKE: They're involved in the business decisions. LORELAI: Hello...stationary. Decide -- yes, no. LUKE: [Sighs] I'll get your coffee. LORELAI: Um...do you want to talk about it? LUKE: What? LORELAI: Whatever it is that's put you in this charming mood. LUKE: [Clears throat, lowers voice] I am not wearing my socks. LORELAI: What? LUKE: I am not wearing my socks. LORELAI: So, what are those, someone else's? LUKE: Yes. LORELAI: What? LUKE: I am wearing someone else's socks. LORELAI: I'm sorry, I need more. LUKE: I spent the night at Nicole's place. LORELAI: Also known as "your place". LUKE: Got up a little late, grabbed a pair of socks, and it wasn't until I was halfway to work that I realized they were someone else's socks. LORELAI: And you're sure about this? LUKE: Hey, if there's one thing in this life I am sure about, it's my socks. I buy the same brand in bulk, and I've been doing this for as long as I can remember. My socks are all white with a red stripe. These are white with a gold stripe and some sort of fruity padding in the toe. LORELAI: Maybe they're Jess' socks. LUKE: They are not Jess' socks. LORELAI: Well, maybe when you went to the laundromat, someone accidentally left a pair of socks in the dryer, and then your -- LUKE: I don't go to a laundromat. LORELAI: Uh, maybe they're Nicole's socks. You know, her gym socks or... you're not wearing your socks. LUKE: I am not wearing my socks. CUT TO PARIS & RORY OUTSIDE AT YALE IN A RAINSTORM AT THEIR PETITION TABLE RORY: Show your support for the Burmese prisoners. PARIS: Sign up now- take a stand. RORY: This bowl of rice is all a Burmese prisoner gets to eat in a day. One bowl- that's it. No butter or soy sauce... PARIS: Enjoy your "Maxim." You couldn't read that in Burma! RORY: I'm freezing. PARIS: Me too. RORY: [Sighs] Look at all these hypocrites passing by. Everyone claims to be so politically aware, but not one person can stop by for two seconds to sign a stupid petition. PARIS: People suck. [Jumps up] You all suck! RORY: Paris, the rice! PARIS: Great, we have one prop, and it's blowing away. RORY: You knocked it over. PARIS: Well, you put it right in front of me. RORY: How was I supposed to know you were gonna jump out of your seat like a maniac? PARIS: You know me. You room with me. You should have known. GLENN: Hey, Rory, Paris. RORY: Oh, Glenn, I'm so glad you stopped by because this is an issue that affects every person that has a heart and a soul. PARIS: A great injustice is being perpetrated on our watch, and we've got to do something to stop it. RORY: Aren't you gonna sign the petition? GLENN: No, I just needed a place to put my sandwich down. RORY: Is that a raindrop? PARIS: Yep. CUT TO PARIS & RORY RUNNING INTO THEIR DORM PARIS: Out of the way. RORY: Move, move, move! FEMALE STUDENT: [Walking out of dorm] Is it raining? PARIS: No, it's National Baptism Day. Tie your tubes, idiot. RORY: Wet. PARIS: Cold. RORY: Go, go! I get the radiator. PARIS: No way. RORY: You got it last night. PARIS: I did not! RORY: Paris, you took up the whole thing with your "Hey, Gore, do not endorse me" sweatshirt, and my blue sweater is still soaked. PARIS: Fine! Take half. RORY: Oh, my god, I'm cold! PARIS: Can't stop shaking. RORY: We're wimps -- we would last two seconds in Burma. PARIS: At least it's warm in Burma. RORY: Yeah. Okay, we're horrible. PARIS: This is the kind of cold you read about in a Dickens novel. We should be in a workhouse or shilling for Fagin. RORY: It's supposed to be spring. Why is it still cold? PARIS: It's been the coldest winter in the history of winter. RORY: My brain- I think it's frozen. Is that possible? PARIS: And these gray skies- it's a blanket of misery. RORY: All I can think about is getting warm. That's all I can think about. PARIS: It's warm in Florida. RORY: What? PARIS: Nothing. RORY: Did you say "Florida"? PARIS: No. [Pauses] Yes. RORY: Seriously? PARIS: Maybe. RORY: But it's spring break. PARIS: I know. RORY: It's "girls gone wild," and boys doing the twist. We're not spring-breaky people, are we? PARIS: I don't know what we are, but I am so cold right now that the thought of spending a week with a bunch of drunken bimbos and rattle-headed frat boys seems like a very good trade off for being warm. RORY: Warm... PARIS: Warm... CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE RORY: Mom, where's my bathing suit? LORELAI: Uh...do you have a bathing suit? RORY: Of course I have a bathing suit. LORELAI: When was the last time you wore it? RORY: I don't remember. LORELAI: Uh, did it involve a rubber ducky? RORY: No...I don't think. LORELAI: Check the bottom drawer, and I will look in your closet. So now, tell me again- who's driving? RORY: Glenn. It's his mom's van. LORELAI: And this Glenn- he's a good driver? RORY: I have no idea. LORELAI: Kid- you've got to learn to lie. RORY: Glenn's a very responsible guy. I'm sure it will be fine. LORELAI: And the place you're staying is safe? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: Now you're catching on. Ahh! Aha! Bathing suit. Now we just have to find the wimple that goes with it. RORY: Give me that, please. Hey, was I supposed to clear this with you first? LORELAI: Clear what with me? RORY: Going away. LORELAI: Oh, I don't know. RORY: I mean, I don't live here anymore, so I'm not sure what the protocol is. LORELAI: Ah, well. I think as long as I know now, and I feel as if I have veto power, we're good. RORY: You have veto power? LORELAI: No. I feel as if I have veto power- very different statement. RORY: Got it. LORELAI: But you'll call me a lot while you're there, right? RORY: You're not worried, are you? Because I'm just going for the sun and to read, nothing more. LORELAI: I know, I know. It's just it's always the good kids who've never had a drink that take one sip of Kahlua and fall out of a window. RORY: So you're sad you never taught me how to drink? LORELAI: Exactly! RORY: Well grab a bottle and some quarters and let's go. LORELAI: No falling out of windows. RORY: Not even a first floor one. LORELAI: And don't drink. And after you're done not drinking, drink tons of water and take two aspirin before you go to bed. RORY: Got it. LORELAI: And take Paris with you everywhere. Not much can happen with that girl along. RORY: Got it. [Horn honks outside.] They're here. LORELAI: Oh. Maybe they can stop by a bathing suit store along the way. RORY: My suit is fine. LORELAI: No, sure it is. It's nice to be able to go from the beach to the mosque without having to change. GLENN: Seriously, Paris, get out! PARIS: No! I have to drive. GLENN: You drive exactly like you look like you drive. PARIS: What's that supposed to mean? GLENN: You speed like a maniac. You zip in and out of lanes. You tailgate. PARIS: They were going two miles an hour. GLENN: It was a driving-school car. PARIS: Well, they went to school to learn a lesson. I was just giving them their money's worth. RORY: Hey, guys. PARIS: Let's go. We're on a schedule. Get away from Glenn. JANET: Thank god you're here. RORY: Glenn, this is my mom. LORELAI: Hi, I'm Lorelai. Hey, congratulations on being student of the month at Grandville Middle School. GLENN: Thanks. LORELAI: You lookin' forward to the beach? GLENN: Yes, I am. LORELAI: You know, you don't have to show up in what you're going to wear. They'll let you change when you get there. GLENN: I'm not cold. LORELAI: No, of course not. [Hands Glenn Rory's bags] Could you? Thanks. RORY: So, how come Paris is driving? PARIS: Are we gonna go through this again? RORY: I didn't know we'd already gone through it. PARIS: I can't be in a car if anybody else is driving, okay? If I die in a car crash, it's going to be at my own hand. LORELAI: Hi, Paris. PARIS: Hi, Lorelai. LORELAI: Bye. RORY: No windows. LORELAI: No windows. Oh, hey, um, Glenn, would you mind if Rory sits up front? She gets carsick. GLENN: Oh. Okay. LORELAI: Airbags. Okay, um, have fun. Drive safely. PARIS: Let's go...and say a prayer for the road kill. [Tires screech as she pulls away.] CUT TO VAN PULLING INTO SEA SPRITE HOTEL GLENN: You're a lunatic! PARIS: Hey, I shaved three hours off the MapQuest estimate. How about a "thank you" for that? Who's in charge here? RORY: I'm guessing pink shirts and white shorts? GLENN: I think my clothing choice has been vindicated. PARIS: Swank attire and desperation for approval. The chicks are gonna eat you up. It is warm. Are you feeling the warmth? RORY: I'm definitely starting to thaw. JACK: Name, please. JANET: It's under "Billings." JACK: Okay... okay, we have you girls in room 6. PARIS: Room 6, okay. And what is your name? JACK: Jack. PARIS: Jack. Well, Jack, hello. I'm Paris, and this is Andrew [Holds up a $20 bill]. And we just want to make sure that we're getting your very best room. JACK: Actually, room 9 has a better view, and it's closer to the ice machine. PARIS: Let's go with 9. Now, who's gonna help with our bags? Good. Okay, those four bags... Uh, Rory, your book bag? RORY: Um, sure. JANET: I'm gonna go for a run. RORY: Now? JANET: Just a short one around the block. RORY: She looks so normal, and then that happens. PARIS: Come on. Paris Geller, room 9. Remember that. See, a lot of people make the mistake of tipping at the end of a trip. But I always tip as you go along. That way, they never know when the honey pot dries up, and it keeps them from going through your stuff and robbing you blind. Paris Geller, room 9. Remember that. RORY: Oh, man, look at that. We're right on the ocean. Paris, look at it. It's right there. PARIS: I see it. Oh, hey, we're in room 9. Feel free to keep the sheets clean and the towels coming. [Goes into room 9] Okay...not bad. Hey, you know what would be swell? A VCR to go with that television set. You mind? You're aces, pal...really. I'm giving the toast at your wedding. RORY: Well, at least it doesn't smell bad in here. PARIS: Pull your covers down and roll on the bed. RORY: Why? PARIS: We are sharing this room with four other girls, Rory. Plus 10K Barbie- we have to stake out our territory. RORY: Yes, and then we need to up your dosage. PARIS: Look, a person comes in, they see a dent in the bed, possibly a hair on the pillow... RORY: So the person's David Caruso? PARIS: They'll figure that bed is taken. They will then move on to the couch or the rollaway. RORY: That's insane. PARIS: Okay, suit yourself. [Starts to bounce on the bed. Rory soon follows suit on the other bed.] RORY: And I was worried I would I feel stupid. PARIS: Stupid but well rested. RORY: How long do we have to do this? PARIS: I think we're good. RORY: I'm really comfortable right now. PARIS: Yeah, me, too. [Indistinct yelling] RORY: Sounds like more are arriving. Where are you going? PARIS: To see what all the ruckus is about. RORY: Wait for me- I like ruckus. Man, that's a lot of people stuck in that tiny car. PARIS: They should all be wearing Shriner hats. [A cute guy walks past.] SEAN: Hey. RORY: Hey. PARIS: Hmm, that was subtle. RORY: What are you talking about? PARIS: The Joanie loves Chachi moment. RORY: He said "hey." PARIS: I heard. RORY: I said "hey" back. PARIS: You did. RORY: I was being polite. PARIS: In Burma, you'd be married...or brutally killed. RORY: I'm gonna go make your bed. PARIS: Don't you dare. Man, I'm thirsty. [Hands money to guy walking by] Root beer? RORY: Paris, that guy doesn't work here. PARIS: Not yet. But look at that mug of his, it's only a matter of time. CUT TO JASON'S APARTMENT LORELAI: I overslept again. JASON: I know. LORELAI: Why didn't you get me up? JASON: I tried, and you bit me. LORELAI: I did not bite you. [Jason holds out hand, she looks.] I did bite you -- cool! JASON: Here, eat this before it gets cold. LORELAI: You made French toast? JASON: Well, I had a lot of energy after my run, so... LORELAI: You went running? JASON: Well, I had to wait for the laundry to dry. And I had already read the papers. LORELAI: You had an entire day before I woke up. JASON: Here, you want bacon? LORELAI: You went out and slaughtered a pig between the running and the French toast? JASON: Yes, and by the way, that whole ozone-layer problem... taken care of. LORELAI: You're my Green Party hero. JASON: [Handing her a plate] Here. LORELAI: Oh, no - can't. I have to get to the printers and pick up the brochures because today is mailing day. But do you have a baggie? JASON: Uh, yeah, here. LORELAI: Perfect. Mmm. JASON: What are you doing? LORELAI: This is French toast on the go. The other drivers on the road love it. Come here. [Kisses him.] I'll call you later. We'll plan our weekend. JASON: [Looking awkward.] Um, hey, Lorelai, hold on a second. Here. LORELAI: A key. JASON: Yeah, it's a key to the apartment. LORELAI: Oh...good. Do you want me to let someone in? JASON: No, it's just an extra key. I thought, you know, if you were coming over and I was running late this way you didn't have to wait in the hallway. LORELAI: Okay. JASON: Or if you were carrying something, and you couldn't wait for me to get to the door... this way, you're all set. LORELAI: Okay...good. Makes sense. JASON: Yeah, it's just a practical thing. It's not a big deal. LORELAI: Oh, good. JASON: Or you don't have to take it. LORELAI: No, I'll- I'll take it. JASON: I mean, I know how it is. You've got your keys on your ring just so, and then you put in a new one- it throws off the whole balance. LORELAI: Well, if you think -- JASON: Or you can keep it. LORELAI: You sure? JASON: If you want. LORELAI: I can go either way. JASON: It's fine with me. LORELAI: Well, which way? JASON: Either way. LORELAI: Well, I'll take it, [Chuckles] Okay? Thanks for the French toast. JASON: Uh...thanks for the hand injury. LORELAI: Anytime. Bye. CUT TO THE BEACH PARIS: Here- it's over here. RORY: Whoa, how did we get a tent? PARIS: Toby, again. Classic tip whore. RORY: Which one's Toby? PARIS: The one with the bandaged hand. He cut it setting this up. I popped him another sawbuck. GLENN: Cool tent! How'd we get it? RORY: Stay ignorant, Glenn. It comes with the oppressive guilt of the ruling class. GLENN: Okay. Hey, Janet. I like your suit. JANET: Thanks, Glenn. GLENN: Hey...hot dogs. RORY: Man, it is so loud out here. You never think of the beach as being loud. PARIS: You do when there's a band of Huns re-enacting "Top Gun" in back of you. GUY PLAYING VOLLEYBALL: Hey! Throw it back. PARIS: No! [To Rory] What are you doing? RORY: Putting a towel down. PARIS: Don't. RORY: Why? We have, like, a hundred towels in the room. There's so many towels, there's basically no room for us. GUY: I need my ball. PARIS: You need a couple of 'em, pal. JANET: [Picks up ball & throws it back.] Here. Ignore her. She likes it. PARIS: Rory, stop. RORY: I'm not gonna sit in the sand, Paris. PARIS: [Employees of the Sea Sprite come carrying table & chairs.] Over here. Great...okay. Thanks. Now, we're going to need a fruit plate in about an hour and keep the ice tea coming. [Looks at Rory] What? RORY: Nothing but admiration here. JANET: I'm going to go do my laps in the ocean. RORY: You're gonna work out on spring break? JANET: Exercise is a high. You should try it. RORY: Sure. I'll meet you out there. PARIS: Are you properly sun-screened? Ten minutes in the sun can cause irreparable skin damage. JANET: And constant shoulder tension creates a hunchback. PARIS: Fine, go. I hear melanoma is very in this year. Here, Casper, you better use this. RORY: You're just lucky you got a fruit plate coming. [Madeline and Louise pull up in lifeguard truck] MADELINE: Rory, Paris! Oh, my God! LOUISE: Hello, ladies! RORY: Unbelievable. What are you guys doing here? MADELINE: Spring break! LOUISE: Actually we came for Tulane's spring break and just stayed. MADELINE: We've been here a month. LOUISE: They have great lifeguards. MADELINE: I'm so excited to see you guys. LOUISE: Paris, you missed a spot. I can see skin. MADELINE: So, when did you get here? PARIS: 2:00 this morning. LOUISE: I love 2:00 in the morning. RORY: You guys are having a good time? LOUISE: Uh, way better than most other people. MADELINE: We're very competitive. LOUISE: It took a couple of weeks to get the right routine down, but now we own this town. PARIS: The chamber of commerce must be thrilled. LOUISE: I think the last place on earth I would ever expect to find Paris Geller is at spring break. PARIS: Hey, I'm up for new things. MADELINE: Okay, well then we have to make sure you do this right. LOUISE: There are rules. RORY: There always are in a civilized society. LOUISE: First of all, it is very important to find the right hot club every night and it changes. What was hot last night is not tonight. MADELINE: Also, adjust your sleeping patterns for maximum partying. Mid-to-late-afternoon sleeping allows the best all-night stamina. RORY: Okay. You got that, Paris? PARIS: Were we really friends at one point? MADELINE: They do card at the clubs, but there's a million ways around it. Major flirting... LOUISE: A sexy voice... MADELINE: And, if all that fails, make out. RORY: With who? LOUISE: Each other. PARIS: Excuse me? MADELINE: We found that if we kiss each other, we can get anything we want from guys. LOUISE: Free drinks, food... MADELINE: T-shirts, boat rides, Frisbees... LOUISE: Earrings, Seadoos... RORY: Okay. Well, that is a good tip. PARIS: Yeah, maybe later I'll pants you for an Altoid. MADELINE: Hey, where are you staying? RORY: The Sea Sprite. MADELINE: That's cute. LOUISE: We've made out there. MADELINE: Louise, it's 1:00. LOUISE: We've got to go get to bed. MADELINE: We'll come see you tonight. [To lifeguard truck] Hey, guys! LOUISE: How 'bout a lift? RORY: I liked the pants-you-for-an-Altoid thing. CUT TO LATER THAT NIGHT IN HOTEL ROOM. RORY: Oh, my God, I'm starving. PARIS: I can't believe what a great video store that was. RORY: A little research before a trip never hurts. PARIS: Pizza and "The Power of Myth" RORY: A perfect evening. [Sees Paris checking the phone.] What? PARIS: Nothing- just checking the messages, that's all. RORY: Are you expecting a call from Asher? PARIS: No, I'm not expecting a call. He's at a conference in Denver, so I'm not expecting a call. I mean, he knows I'm here, and I left him a contact number in case of emergencies, but not expecting a call. [Goes and puts movie in.] God, I love this. I've seen it four times. RORY: Five. PARIS: Seriously? RORY: It was almost six, but my mom tried to be funny one day and hid it. PARIS: I thought you and your mom got along? RORY: Even we have our dark periods. [Looking & listening outside.] Wow, it sounds like quite a party out there. PARIS: Yep. RORY: I think someone just got thrown in the pool. PARIS: I hope it's the guy who took my five bucks and never brought me a root beer. RORY: This is a good song. Okay, I'm sorry, are we doing this right? PARIS: Doing what right? RORY: Spring break. I mean, we're in here alone with Joseph Campbell and Bill Moyers, and everyone else is out there with... PARIS: Everyone else? RORY: Yeah. PARIS: But...we love Bill Moyers. RORY: Yes, we do love Bill Moyers. But we did come here for spring break, and I'm just wondering if we're not spring-breaking the way you're supposed to spring break. PARIS: You're probably right. RORY: I mean, if we're here, we should probably commit. PARIS: Try to experience the entire event. RORY: With other people, outside this room. PARIS: Okay. Let's do it. Let's commit. RORY: Okay. Starting now? PARIS: Starting now. MAN'S VOICE IN BACKGROUND FROM MOVIE: ...To explain the universe and their place in it. The 20 books he wrote or edited and have influenced artists and performers... RORY: Tomorrow's fine, too. PARIS: Absolutely. CUT TO RORY, PARIS, MADELINE & LOUISE POOLSIDE. MADELINE: I got $5 on the blond with the tattoo. LOUISE: You always go for the tattoos. PARIS: God, I'm starving. I haven't had anything but vending-machine junk. There's nothing around here. I would kill for something non-synthetic. [Gets splashed] Ohh! Perfect. RORY: [Talking on cell phone]: Okay, forget I said "giant Q-tips." They're not hitting each other with giant Q-tips. LORELAI: But now I can't get giant Q-tips out of my head. It's too powerful a visual. RORY: I know, I'm sorry. LORELAI: So how is it? RORY: It's good so far. LORELAI: Yeah, how good? RORY: I haven't had a drink yet. LORELAI: Okay, are you sure you weren't drinking, and that's why you think they're giant Q-tips? RORY: [Watching Sean go by] Um...maybe. LORELAI: Hello? What just happened? RORY: Hmm? LORELAI: You sound distracted. Did something cute just walk by? RORY: Um...no. No, I was just trying to think of something better to describe the, uh, the giant Q-tips. So I'll call you later, okay? LORELAI: No windows. RORY: No windows. [Hangs up. Madeline and Louise stare at her.] What? LOUISE: Excellent taste. MADELINE: What's his name? RORY: Whose name? LOUISE: The guy you were just staring at. RORY: I wasn't staring. MADELINE: [Looks across the pool] Oh, no. LOUISE: The twins. MADELINE: God, they're everywhere. RORY: So? MADELINE: We can't compete against twins. LOUISE: Especially once they caught on to the whole kissing thing. Let's find another pool. MADELINE: We'll see you guys tonight. RORY: Okay. PARIS: Hey, why don't you go get us something at the bar? RORY: What? PARIS: Then you can go talk to that guy. RORY: Uh, that's okay. PARIS: Come on- go. Flirting seems to be a very big part of this spring break ritual, and I'm taken. I can't flirt. I have to live vicariously through you. RORY: Well... MAN ON LOUDSPEAKER: The banana-eating contest is about to start on the upper level. PARIS: Oh, real food. Thank god. RORY: Um...Paris. [Paris leaves.] [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO POOLSIDE BAR RORY: [To Sean] Hey, um, do you know what those things are called that they hit each other in the pool with? SEAN: No, I don't. RORY: Oh, just wondering. SEAN: Do I lose points for that? RORY: No, no points lost. GUY: Hey, Sean, man, come on! SEAN: Comin'. See ya. RORY: Oh, okay. See ya. [Young men shouting] PARIS: I must be crazy for thinking a banana-eating contest was about eating a banana! CUT TO RORY, PARIS, MADELINE & LOUISE ENTERING CLUB [The band The Shins are playing the club. Madeline & Louise walk up to a random guy, lick his hand with over 21 stamp and press it to theirs] MADELINE: You guys want something? RORY: Maybe later. LOUISE: We'll be back. [Cheering while The Shins play on stage] RORY: Wow, quite a scene. PARIS: Yeah, I guess we found the hot place tonight. RORY: Yep, no one can sniff out the hip like we can. PARIS: Okay, so, here we are. We should do something. RORY: What? PARIS: I don't know. RORY: We could dance. PARIS: Dance... okay, sure. Let's- let's dance. RORY: Okay, let's dance. [Both start dancing.] This is fun. PARIS: Yep. [Sees Sean in the background.] Hey, I think your husband's here. RORY: What? Where? PARIS: Why don't you go buy him a drink? RORY: What, like a nice ginger ale? PARIS: Well, maybe you could get Madeline and Louise to buy a drink for you, and then you could go bring it to him. RORY: [As Sean walks off] Well, that was the shortest relationship ever. PARIS: What? RORY: He looked, he saw, he changed his mind. PARIS: Sorry. [Looks around the club.] Okay, what is going on here? RORY: What? PARIS: Why is every single person in this place having a better time than we are? RORY: Well, I don't know that they are. PARIS: Look around. Every single person in this place is having a better time than we are. Why? I mean, we've been doing everything everybody else is. We're here, in the hot place. RORY: So we're not great dancers. We did the hanging out at the pool part pretty well. PARIS: We're not trying hard enough. RORY: What are you talking about? This is not a test. PARIS: We came here to do spring break, and we are going to do spring break. RORY: Well, what else do you suggest we do? [Paris kisses Rory] [Rory squeals] What are you doing? Are you crazy? PARIS: Well, Madeline and Louise do it. RORY: Madeline and Louise wear their underwear outside of their clothes. I don't want to do what Madeline and Louise do. PARIS: I just thought- RORY: Just stop thinking, okay? Your thinking is very, very dangerous. [Starts to head for the exit] PARIS: Rory... RORY: Get away from me! You're not my type. PARIS: Will you just wait? RORY: [Stops] What? PARIS: How was I? RORY: What? PARIS: As a kisser? RORY: [Starts for the exit again] Oh, man! PARIS: Well, I've always wanted to know, and you can't ask a guy 'cause that's a sign of low self esteem, which I've read is really not sexy. So tell me- how am I? Too stiff? Do I need to relax my lips a little, maybe open my mouth more, make it more inviting? RORY: I need some fresh air. SEAN: Hey. Where you goin'? RORY: Um, outside. SEAN: Can I come with you? RORY: Oh, well... SEAN: Maybe your girlfriend wants to come, too. RORY: My girlfriend? SEAN: I gotta tell you- that was some kiss. RORY: Oh, my God! CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE. LORELAI: So the movie was good. Nice to see Michael Caine working again. Which was sarcastic... 'cause he works a lot... constantly. [Chuckles] Never says "no" to anything, which can be risky, you know? Lowers your batting average. JASON: Well, I'm glad you liked it. LORELAI: [Sighs] Jason, you're making me work too hard tonight. JASON: [Sighs] I know. LORELAI: I mean, I wore the cute boots, you know? Do you see the cute boots? JASON: Very cute boots. LORELAI: Well, I've had a full night, what with the walking straight, the balancing, and the not yelping out in pain. If I'd known I'd also had to do all the talking, I- JASON: I think I did it wrong. LORELAI: You did what wrong? JASON: The key that I gave you. LORELAI: The key...to your apartment? JASON: The key was supposed to say something. LORELAI: So it's a talking key. JASON: Look, you and I are hitting that point in a relationship where I usually break it off. LORELAI: Oh, well, gee, should we get a cake? JASON: Every single time with every other woman I've been involved with, this is about the time that I would... LORELAI: [Sighs] Bolt? JASON: I was gonna say "run," but "bolt" sounds much more masculine, so yeah, sure, "bolt." LORELAI: Well, it's time to bolt. Okay, good thing you're not wearing my boots. JASON: [Sighs] I don't think I'm doing this right, either. LORELAI: No, no, you're doing it just fine. It's cold, so... JASON: The other night I woke up and the timer went off in my head- "Hey, buddy, it's about that time." So I did what I always do. I thought about you, and I thought about us, and I thought about all the things that bother me, and I came up with nothing. LORELAI: Nothing? JASON: I went over it and over it in my head. That feeling, that "I want out" feeling- it wasn't there. What was there was the very strong sense that if I did...bolt... I might as well go out and find a pointy hat, a stool, and a classroom full of sixth graders, because I'd be an absolute idiot to screw this up. So I went out and made the key. LORELAI: The talking key. JASON: And I was hoping that the key would say that this is different, and that I want you in my life a lot more than you are now. LORELAI: Wow. Well, I mean, it would have been more interesting to hear that from the key... it's definitely more romantic hearing it from you. JASON: I'm gonna go take care of Mr. Caine for you now. LORELAI: I would appreciate that. JASON: Good night. LORELAI: Good night, Jason. [Goes inside house, check answering machine] LUKE: [On answering machine] Hey, it's Luke. I'm sorry to be calling you like this, but I was wondering if, when you get this message, you could come pick me up 'cause I need a ride. I'm in Litchfield, the corner of Mason and Pine. It's a big, white building. You'll recognize it by the police sign outside because, oh, hell, I'm in jail. Okay, there I said it. Long story. I'll tell you when you get here. Thanks... if you come. Oh, one more thing. I need to borrow a little money- 300 bucks. It's just a loan, and, oh, hell, it's for my bail. [Yells into background] I'm gettin' off now! Relax! CUT TO POOLSIDE AT SEA SPRITE MADELINE: I think the two of you would make a great couple. RORY: No way. PARIS: Why not? RORY: You're way too high maintenance for me. LOUISE: The whole place was buzzing about the kiss. MADELINE: Even the twins were jealous. RORY: Super, great. Love to hear that. MADELINE: Who needs more? Everybody? Good. I'll be right back. LOUISE: So, Paris, how's the Princeton man? PARIS: Jaime and I broke up. RORY: Paris has a different man now. LOUISE: You do? PARIS: I'm dating a professor. LOUISE: Tenured? PARIS: Ages ago. LOUISE: [Chuckling] Well, Anna Nicole, look at you. PARIS: He's brilliant, a writer, very distinguished, handsome. Don't you think he's handsome? RORY: Handsome? Sure, very handsome. PARIS: He's a real man. He's just so amazing. I still can't believe that we're together, you know? MADELINE: I made them a little stronger this time. RORY: Oh, cool, it will be fun to watch the cups dissolve. LOUISE: Paris bagged herself an older man. MADELINE: Oh, I love older men. They take you to the best restaurants. PARIS: He went to a conference in Denver this week. He was so nice, you know- really excited about me coming to Florida. He thinks it's a good idea to hang out with people my own age. I kind of hoped that he would invite me to go to Denver with him but, you know, he didn't. RORY: He had to work, Paris. PARIS: I know, or he's sick of me. RORY: No. PARIS: Maybe he's going to dump me. LOUISE: Mmm -- does he still buy you jewelry? PARIS: He's never bought me jewelry. MADELINE: He hasn't? How much money does he have? PARIS: Asher isn't rich. MADELINE: Not rich? LOUISE: Oh, curiouser and curiouser. RORY: You're just being paranoid. He wants you to have fun. And someone who wants you to have fun is someone who cares about you... both of you because there are two of you, and they're spinning. [They all laugh.] MADELINE: Good punch. RORY: Just keep me away from any windows, please. LOUISE: Whatever happened to that boyfriend of yours? RORY: Who, Jess? LOUISE: No. RORY: Oh, Dean. MADELINE: Dean, that's it. LOUISE: How's Dean? God, he was gorgeous. RORY: He's fine. MADELINE: Is he still gorgeous? RORY: Oh, yes. Definitely, yes. LOUISE: You two aren't together? RORY: No, actually he's married. MADELINE: What? LOUISE: Why? RORY: Well, he met Lindsay, and they got married. She's pretty, blond, tall, leggy. PARIS: Oh, good, just what the world needs -- another one of those. RORY: She's nice, too. LOUISE: Prediction... MADELINE: She's psychic. PARIS: Since when? LOUISE: Since about six months ago. I think it's not gonna last. PARIS: Two married 19-year-olds won't make it- boy, that's a risky bet. LOUISE: I think it's not gonna last because he was way too in love with you. RORY: No. But we've been broken up for a long time. LOUISE: But he only had eyes for you, girlfriend- a deep, long, soulful Rory-eyes. RORY: No, not anymore. PARIS: You don't talk at all anymore? RORY: No, we still talk. We're still friends. MADELINE: Yes, you are. Cell phone friends. LOUISE: You have your ex-boyfriend's number in your cell phone? RORY: I told you we were friends. LOUISE: First loves are very intense. MADELINE: My mom's still in love with her first love. She tells my father that over and over and... oops, I think I just dialed his number. RORY: Madeline, no! MADELINE: Oh, my God, it's ringing! RORY: Hang up! MADELINE: It's his voice mail. Oh, sexy voice. Oops, I think it's gonna... it beeped. MADELINE: Talk. RORY: Dean, hi. [Laughs nervously] It's Rory. I'm sorry to call you like this, but we're on spring break... [Laughs] ...And, um, I don't know if you remember Madeline and Louise, but they're evil, and we were just talking about you. Um, hi. How are you? I'm gonna hang up now, so bye. Sorry, good-bye. [To Madeline] I'm going to kill you! Oh, my God, I'm so gonna kill you! It's going to be bad and death-like, and... I'm gonna go for a walk because this punch is starting to live up to its name. PARIS: I'll go with you. RORY: Don't move because I'm going to come back to kill you. MADELINE: We'll be here. [Laughs] CUT TO LUKE & LORELAI OUTSIDE LUKE & NICOLE'S APARTMENT LUKE: There- my truck. LORELAI: [Sighs] You know, Luke, you don't have to tell me what happened unless you want to. But I promise I won't ask you about it again... ever... in this lifetime or the next. You know, I'll just tell Shirley MacLaine, "Hey, look, back off, Shirl. If Luke had wanted me to know, he would have told me back in my other lifetime, and I certainly don't expect-" LUKE: I wanted to see who owned the socks. LORELAI: And did you? LUKE: I think so. I just had a feeling tonight. Nicole was kind of vague on her plans, so I told her I'd stay at the diner. And then I drove up here, and I parked, and I waited. And then this car pulled up, and she got out with him. And, uh, they went inside, and I watched them go. LORELAI: And you're sure he's the owner of the socks? LUKE: Well, I didn't ask him, but he's the owner of the socks. And if he isn't, the picture's still not looking very good. LORELAI: I agree with you there. LUKE: Anyway, I sat here and watched them go inside. I had all these thoughts rolling around in my head. I mean, how could she do this, you know? In there- in our house. I mean, I... I put bookshelves up in there. LORELAI: If it makes you feel any better, I don't think he's using your bookshelves. LUKE: I suddenly just got so mad, you know, I lost it. I had to do something, so I got out and marched up to his car, and I kicked it. LORELAI: You kicked his car? LUKE: Oh, hey, I kicked it hard and over and over and over again. LORELAI: Oh, you beat up his car. LUKE: And then, all of a sudden, these cops pull up, 'cause some busybody in the neighborhood saw some lunatic attacking a car, and, well, you know the rest. LORELAI: Did Nicole see you? LUKE: I don't know. I don't know what she and the sock man saw. It's just...[Sighs] God, I feel like such an idiot. I mean, suddenly I became like one of those guys that gets jealous and, you know, does crazy things. LORELAI: Yeah, you weren't "like" one of those guys. You were one of those guys. LUKE: [Snickers] Yeah, well... LORELAI: Was there any damage? LUKE: No. [Pauses, then gets out of the Jeep] LORELAI: Luke... [She follows] Hey, Luke, where are you going? LUKE: See? Nothing- not a scratch. Those stupid dent-resistant panels. LORELAI: This is the car? LUKE: Yes, this is the car. He sat there. She sat there. They got out there, walked up there. I jumped out there, ran up here, was handcuffed there, was driven off there. I went to jail. And you drove all the way up here to get me... and they are still in there! LORELAI: Oh, Luke. LUKE: I mean, I can't believe they're still in there. What are they doing? LORELAI: Luke, come on. LUKE: I know what they're doing. But even if you took one of those pills that they were hawking at the super bowl, you know, they should have been done in four or five hours, tops. I mean, that commercial said it all- "If you're still active after four hours, you should call a damn doctor." LORELAI: Come on, why don't we -- LUKE: What are they, talking? Making plans in my house? Damn son of a... [Starts kicking the car.] LORELAI: Luke... LUKE: [continues kicking] You lying piece of sockless garbage! Why don't you take home my socks, too? LORELAI: Hey, hey! Luke- Luke, you were busted already once tonight -- that's it. LUKE: All right, I'm fine. I'm fine. LORELAI: Are you sure? LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: Pretty soon, that car's gonna start fighting back. LUKE: I'm fine...really. I'm fine. LORELAI: [Sighs] You know, Luke, I know I've never really been Miss "This-is-great" about your relationship, but I am- I am so, so sorry. You don't deserve this. You really don't deserve this. LUKE: Yeah. [Sighs] I guess that's it. LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: Well, at least I finally got to see your house. CUT TO RORY AND PARIS WALKING DOWN TO THE BEACH. PARIS: Whoo, fresh air is good. RORY: Fresh air is healthy. PARIS: I'm feeling better. RORY: Gotta sit. PARIS: Me too. RORY: What was in the punch? Did we ask? PARIS: Nope. RORY: Should we have asked? PARIS: That's not what the cool kids do. RORY: I'm loving the spinning beach. How about you? PARIS: Oh, yeah. RORY: So are we done? PARIS: With what? RORY: Spring break. Are we done? PARIS: I don't know. RORY: Well, let's go down the list. PARIS: Okay, we came. RORY: Check. PARIS: We danced. RORY: Check. PARIS: We drank. RORY: Check. PARIS: We...threw up. RORY: We didn't throw up. PARIS: Give us 10 more minutes. RORY: Right. PARIS: Basically, we're done. RORY: I feel like we have officially participated. PARIS: We've experienced the entire social ritual. RORY: I have absolutely no desire to ever feel this way again. PARIS: Let's go home. RORY: How? We're supposed to stay the rest of the weekend. PARIS: Frequent-flyer miles, baby. RORY: Cool peanuts. I'm in. PARIS: Great. I'll call as soon as I can get up. RORY: [Looking at ocean] What's that? PARIS: What? RORY: Oh, my God! Glenn! What happened to you? PARIS: The last time we saw you, you went to get a hot dog. GLENN: [emerging from the water] Hot dog? Hot dog. Hot dog. [Runs up the beach toward the hotel crazily.] Ahhhh! Ahh! Ahhhhhh! Ahh! Ahhhhhhh! RORY: You gotta admit, it's been a pretty good trip. CUT TO LORELAI [AT HOME] & RORY [AT YALE] ON THE PHONE LORELAI: So I call this place where you were supposedly staying, and some punk at the desk tells me- RORY: I said I was sorry. LORELAI: "I'm sorry, ma'am, she's not here anymore." My-my-my heart flew out of my chest. And not just because he called me "ma'am." Which by the way, I hate. RORY: I didn't mean to freak you out. LORELAI: You don't take off without telling Mommy. RORY: I love that I didn't have to clear it with you to go on spring break, but I had to clear it with you to come home. LORELAI: I had visions of you being swallowed by a whale or taking off with some surfers to go chase the perfect wave and not inviting me. RORY: It just got to be way too much fun. LORELAI: Yeah? How much is "too much?" RORY: I had a drink. LORELAI: And? RORY: Paris and I took turns throwing up. LORELAI: That's the way you girls will find yourselves a husband. RORY: It was fine- aspirin, tons of water, mac and cheese... LORELAI: Ahh, my baby's discovered her first hangover food. I wish I had a picture to put next to your clay handprint. RORY: I think I still have the box. LORELAI: Send it to me. So how was it? RORY: It was interesting, you know? We sat on the beach, went to a club, we watched "The Power of Myth," Paris and I kissed... LORELAI: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You watched "The Power of Myth"? RORY: [The other phone line beeps.] Hold on a sec. LORELAI: I hid that from you! RORY: Hello? DEAN: Hey, Rory, it's me. RORY: Hi, um, Dean. Hold on a sec. Mom, I have to call you back. LORELAI: You did not spend spring break with Bill Moyers. RORY: Bye. [To Dean] Hi. DEAN: So, uh, I got your message. RORY: Oh, yeah? DEAN: Yeah. [Chuckling] It sounds like you were, uh, having a pretty good time out there. And I got a lot of questions. I even wrote a couple down. Are you ready?
Plan: A: Lorelai; Q: Who bails Luke out of jail? A: the dubious honor; Q: What do Lorelai and Rory get for the first ride in Kirk's pedi-cab? A: the Stars Hollow pedi-cab; Q: What is Kirk's latest venture? A: a cold, rainy winter; Q: What does Rory, Paris, Janet and Glenn escape from in Connecticut? A: Florida; Q: Where do Rory, Paris, Janet and Glenn go to escape the cold winter? A: the spring break ropes; Q: What do Madeline and Louise show Rory, Paris, Janet and Glenn? A: The Shins; Q: What band plays at the club Lorelai and Rory attend? A: a club; Q: Where do the Shins play? A: Jason; Q: Who gives Lorelai the key to his apartment? A: their relationship; Q: What does Jason give Lorelai the key to his apartment as a symbol of his commitment to? A: jail; Q: Where does Luke end up after he's arrested for beating up a car? A: Nicole; Q: Who is the man Luke suspects of having an affair with? Summary: Lorelai and Rory get the dubious honor of the first ride in Kirk's latest venture, the Stars Hollow pedi-cab. Rory, Paris, Janet and Glenn escape a cold, rainy winter in Connecticut and head to Florida, where they run into Madeline and Louise, who show them the spring break ropes. The Shins play at a club they attend. Jason gives Lorelai the key to his apartment as a symbol of his commitment to their relationship. Lorelai bails Luke out of jail after he's arrested for beating up the car belonging to the man he suspects is having an affair with Nicole; Lorelai stops Luke from beating up the car again when the man is still in there with Nicole.
52nd Episode of Roswell Production Code: 3ADA09 [SCENE_BREAK] [Max and Michael are walking down the street talking] MAX: So did you and Maria officially break up? MICHAEL: I thought so, but the more she says, the more confusing it gets. She wants space, but she still wants me in her life. All I know for sure is I'm not getting any. Let's grab a burger. MAX: That's not exactly giving her space. MICHAEL: I'm not gonna starve because I have a weird girlfriend. MAX: Nah. Liz's dad is still freaked. I'm not allowed in the Crashdown. MICHAEL: Do it anyways. It'll make her hot. [Max and Michael go into the Crashdown- Isabel and the rest of the group are already there] ISABEL: So this is how it's gonna look. It's gonna be, like, white lights and clear ornaments and white candles. MICHAEL: Hail the Christmas nazi. JESSE: What? ISABEL: Hi, Michael. Shut up. LIZ: Hey. I love that you just walked in here. MICHAEL: Hey. MARIA: Hey. MICHAEL: So what's going on? Are we hanging today after your shift? MARIA: Uh...Today? Uh, no. I have some stuff to do today. MICHAEL: Whatever. MAX: Is that kid staring at me? MICHAEL: What kid? MAX: Over there. Sitting with his mom. MAX: He is. He's staring right at me. MICHAEL: So what? Christmas... It's a... Load of crap. JESSE: Are you kidding me? It's a great time. Just mellow out, watch a little football. MICHAEL: Oh, you'll be watching lots of football. JESSE: What does he mean by that? ISABEL: Nothing. We gotta go, honey. We gotta make sure the senior Christmas dinner is still on schedule. I still haven't found the proper Santa for Santa village, and, oh, you know what? You gotta change the lights on the windows of our apartment. MICHAEL: Enjoy mellowing out. ISABEL: You know, Michael, I, too, was miserable around the holidays until I found my calling. MICHAEL: Making other people miserable. ISABEL: Volunteering... Helping the elderly, children less fortunate find joy and happiness through the holidays. MARIA: Want to know something? That actually sounds great. Giving of myself-- I like it. I think that's just what i need to, um... Get my mind off of other situations. ISABEL: Well, you have come to the right place. LIZ: You know, I think I'd really like to do that, too. MARIA: Is there anything we can do together? ISABEL: Actually, I think there is. Meet me at the park after work. [The little boy who has been staring at Max walks over to him] SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Samuel? Where are you going? SAMUEL: Daddy. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Samuel. MAX: I think you got the wrong guy. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Did he just say something to you? MAX: Yeah. He just called me "daddy." SAMUEL'S MOTHER: That's impossible. My son doesn't talk. [Later, Max and Liz are talking] MAX: He called me "daddy." It was crystal clear. LIZ: Yeah, I heard. MAX: Liz, what if my son is using him to communicate with me? LIZ: What do you mean? MAX: You know my son has been trying to send me signals? LIZ: No, Max. He hasn't sent you a signal in over a month. MAX: Maybe he hasn't been able to until now. What if there's something about this child-- something about the fact that he's different that allows my son to be able to reach out to me through him? And we know that aliens possess human bodies to communicate with us. LIZ: Well, Max, maybe he was just confused. MAX: Something made him talk to me. I have to find out what that is. [Kyle is talking to his father as Jim stuffs the turkey] KYLE: Dad, if just-- I wanted to say that I figured out what's going on. JIM: You have? KYLE: Yep. All this Christmas stuff is because it's been a rough year. JIM: Uh-huh. KYLE: The whole thing with Tess and you losing your job and everything. JIM: Yeah. KYLE: I know you wanted to make this a good Christmas...For us-- for me--and I just wanted to say I appreciate that. JIM: Listen Kyle, there's something that I wanted to tell you, but it's kind of slipped my mind. I, uh, actually invited somebody to come over for Christmas breakfast this year... A lady friend. [Sarcastic] KYLE: fantastic. So you just, uh, you just decided to invite her... To Christmas breakfast... To our Christmas breakfast. Did you even think to ask me? JIM: Kyle, listen, you don't want her to come- KYLE: no, no, no. It's fine. JIM: Kyle- KYLE: it's fine. Don't worry about it. [Max rings the doorbell at Samuel's house] MAX: I'm sorry to bother you. I just keep thinking about what happened this morning. I'm Max. Max Evans. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: What can I do for you? MAX: I was wondering what I could do for your son. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Why? MAX: I don't know. It just feels like the right thing to do. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Max, I know how people can get around the holidays. My son is autistic. If you want to work with children, you might want to start with someone a little less challenging. MAX: I don't want to work with children. I want to help your son. [Isabel arrives home to find Jesse decorating for Christmas] ISABEL: What's that? JESSE: It's my old stocking. ISABEL: Oh. Wow. Well, it's, uh, very...Brown. JESSE: Yeah. I made it myself in kindergarten. ISABEL: I don't doubt that. JESSE: Yeah, it always hung on my mantle at my house, and now it's on our mantle. ISABEL: Hmm. [Mutters] yeah, it certainly is. Oh! Oh, oh, oh! JESSE: What? What? What? [Isabel uses her powers to make a new stocking] ISABEL: But I made these. JESSE: Oh, my god. You made these? ISABEL: Yeah. JESSE: When did you have the time? ISABEL: Well, actually, it didn't take as long as you would think. JESSE: Wow. Ok, so I guess I'll have 2 stockings on the mantle. ISABEL: Yeah. Yeah. Or... Maybe we could hang this one... Somewhere else. [Isabel takes Jesse's stocking off the mantel] ISABEL: You know, like, on... Well, the tree. You know, we could just sort of--just-- just sort of, uh-- we could just-- sort of put it right there. JESSE: Yeah, I guess that works. ISABEL: Yeah, good. Ok, let's get going. 2 days till Christmas. Lots to do. JESSE: Anyway, I was just thinking- [Jesse reaches for a plate of cookies] ISABEL: oh, honey! Don't touch those. They're for christmas morning. JESSE: Yeah. [Back at Samuel's house] MAX: Samuel? SAMUEL'S MOTHER: He likes the light. I think that's why he does that with the door. It creates patterns of light on the carpet. MAX: Right. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: It comforts him. MAX: Right. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Max... I understand if you change your mind about doing this. It may not be what you expected. MAX: I'm fine. This is fine. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: What happened today has never happened before. I keep asking myself, "why did he walk up to you? Why you?" MAX: I have no idea. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: I have this appointment with his psychologist this afternoon. Maybe if she worked with you and Samuel together, he might talk again. I would understand if you don't want to- MAX: I do. I'll be there. [At Isabel's Christmas Village, Santa's are trying out] SANTA: Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! ISABEL: They won't do. WOMAN: Really? I think that Santa 2 has a real Kringle quality. ISABEL: Santa's village is an institution-- my institution-- and the children of Roswell deserve a great Santa. Not a good Santa, a great Santa. WOMAN: Right. LIZ: Hi, Isabel. MARIA: Hi! ISABEL: Oh. 7 minutes late. I need 5 more inches of snow on all of the trees. This is the north pole. ISABEL: Ok! Snowflake and Candy Cane. LIZ: Elves? Are you kidding? ISABEL: No. You said you wanted to give of yourselves. LIZ: Not as elves. MARIA: Yeah, all elves do is deal with annoying kids who want to cut the Santa line. I mean, we wanted to make a real contribution, Isabel. ISABEL: There are no small assignments. Only small volunteers. You two are the smallest I could find for those elves costumes. [Maria and Liz look surprised- Jesse can't believe what Isabel is doing] [Samuel's family is at the psychologist's office- Max is in the waiting room] SAMUEL'S MOTHER: : I'm telling you, he spoke. I heard him speak. DOCTOR: I know, and that's fantastic, Rebecca, it is. What we need to do now, is figure out exactly what this means. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: It means he's starting to communicate with the world. He's growing. He's changing. SAMUEL'S FATHER: Rebecca, come on. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: What? SAMUEL'S FATHER: We've had moments like this before. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Like what? SAMUEL'S FATHER: Like emergency meetings, breakthroughs, changes. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Don't do this to me, Warren. SAMUEL'S FATHER: Don't do what? SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Don't take this away from me. DOCTOR: No one is trying to take anything away from you, but, Rebecca, I just don't want you to get your hopes up too soon. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: I want to get my hopes up. I deserve to get my hopes up. He is different. He was different this morning. Max is outside in the waiting room. He was the young man Samuel spoke to at the diner. SAMUEL'S FATHER: What? Why?! SAMUEL'S MOTHER: I thought it might be helpful if you observed him with Max. If he related to him before, he may again. DOCTOR: I think that's a good idea. Max? Why don't you come in now? I'm Dr. Ramey. MAX: Nice to meet you. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Dr. Ramey has been with my son since he was 3, and this is, um, Samuel's father Warren. SAMUEL'S FATHER: Hey, Max. DOCTOR: So, Max, why don't you tell us what happened this morning? MAX: Well, I was sitting with some friends having breakfast, and...I noticed him looking at me. Kind of staring. MAX: Then, a few minutes later, walked across the room. [Samuel hands Max a picture he drew of a UFO] MAX: Thank you. [Max is at home looking at the picture- Knock on door- Max opens the door to find Liz] LIZ: hi. MAX: Hey, LIZ: I'm so excited. I haven't gone ice skating in so long. MAX: Take a look at this. LIZ: That's--you did a really good job, Max. Great use of color there. MX LIZ: And that means... MAX: It means my son is trying to communicate with me through this boy. LIZ: Max- MAX: look, even Samuel's psychologist thought it was unusual. LIZ: You're getting really involved in his life. MAX: Liz, you were the one who said you would do anything to help me find my son. Well, right now, this is my only lead. LIZ: I know, Max, but I just see you walking into the life of this child, you know, this special child. I don't want you to just get what you're looking for and then walk away. MAX: Liz, trust me. LIZ: I do trust you. Now let's go ice-skating, and we'll talk about this later. MAX: Uh... LIZ: What? MAX: I told Rebecca that I would go over there this morning. Sorry. LIZ: Right. MAX: What about tonight? LIZ: Uh, I can't, because I'm an indentured elf all through Christmas eve. MAX: Sorry. LIZ: It's ok. We'll do it some other time. [Back at Isabel's Christmas event] MARIA: Liz: Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells jingle all the way oh, what fun it is to ride- KIDS: Boo! Shut up, elves. Elves suck. LIZ: Do you know that without elves, Santa would be nowhere? We are very proud to be elves. KIDS: Loser: We want Santa! We want Santa! We want Santa! We want Santa! We want Santa! There's Santa! Here comes Santa! [Kids cheering as Santa (Michael) rides up on a motorcycle] KIDS: whoa, whoa, whoa. MARIA: You've got to be kidding me. LIZ: Oh, my god. Is that... MARIA: No... LIZ: Way. MICHAEL: Ho ho ho. MARIA: t are you doing here? MICHAEL: other Santa's in rehab. So Isabel forced me to do this. You know how she gets around the holidays. Bring me a brat, snowflake. MARIA: Oh! [Max is playing basketball with Samuel] SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Almost sweetheart. Almost. MAX: Try it again. Just a little more muscle. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Great job! MAX: Great shot. Want to try it again? SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Hi, Warren . SAMUEL'S FATHER: Max. Hey, Samuel. I got your cape. It was in the back of my car. MAX: Uh, I should go. SAMUEL'S FATHER: That's ok. Actually, I have to go to work today. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: What? You're supposed to take him to see Santa today. SAMUEL'S FATHER: Yeah, I know. I got swamped. It'll have to wait till tomorrow. Warren, tomorrow is Christmas eve. There is no way Samuel's gonna sit on Santa's lap if there are those kind of crowds. SAMUEL'S FATHER: He's not gonna sit on Santa's lap no matter what we do. He's never sat on Santa's lap. SAMUEL'S FATHER: He doesn't let people touch him. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Well, we could still go and at least pretend to be a family. SAMUEL'S FATHER: Rebecca, he doesn't even know what Christmas is. I gotta go to work. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Mm-hmm. SAMUEL'S FATHER: Bye, Samuel. Bye, Max. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: He's probably right. Samuel's never sat on Santa's lap. MAX: Listen, I can go with you, if you like. I know some helpful elves. [SCENE_BREAK] [Back at the festival] MICHAEL: So, Zeke, what are you asking Santa for this year? BOY: A raceway 5000. MICHAEL: Nice choice dude. The raceway 5000 rocks. Give me 5! MARIA: looks like Michael finally found an age group on his level. LIZ: Yeah, he's really good with kids. MARIA: Yeah, he's so adorable. Oh! This is exactly what was not supposed to happen. Uh, Liz, look. That's a weird sight. [Maria sees Max, Samuel and his mother] MARIA: Here. LIZ: Thanks. LIZ: Hi. MAX: Hey. This is Rebecca, and this is Samuel. This is Liz. LIZ: Hi. I think that we actually met yesterday at the Crashdown. Hi, Samuel. Merry Christmas. MAX: He has a hard time with waiting in lines, so we were wondering if you could move him through? LIZ: Oh, yeah. Sure. Why don't we just bring him- SAMUEL'S MOTHER: oh, ok, I'm sorry. He doesn't like to touch people or to be touched. He may not want to sit in Santa's lap, and if he doesn't, that's ok. Don't force him to do anything. LIZ: Um, why don't you just come with us? SAMUEL'S MOTHER: That would be great. Ok. Thank you. LIZ: Come on, samuel. MICHAEL: Ho ho ho. MAX: Michael? What are you doing here? MICHAEL: Spreading Christmas cheer. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Ok, Samuel, do you want to sit on Santa's lap? It's ok. Let's go. Here you go. [Samuel sits on Michael's lap] SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Sweetie, you're doing great. MAX: The camera. MICHAEL: Hop to it, candy cane. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Oh, um, one more. Ok, wait. One more. Max, come on in. MAX: No, it's all right. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Come on. Please get in the picture. [The photographer takes pictures of Samuel and Max with Michael and Samuel's mother] [Max, and Samuel and his mother are walking down the street] SAMUEL'S MOTHER: I am so proud of you. That was fantastic. I think this calls for an ice cream celebration. What do you think? Samuel loves ice cream. He could eat it every day, and he does. Don't you, sweetie? MAX: Yeah. Oh, I'll go get it. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: No, that's ok. I'll get it. You sit here with Max, and I'll be right back. Thank you. MAX: Sure. You really made your mom proud, Samuel. Me, too. Samuel, I want to talk to you about something... About this. [Max takes the picture of the UFO out] MAX: This might sound a little crazy... But did something tell you to draw this? Samuel? I need you to try and think about this. I need you to help me, ok? Think about yesterday morning in the Crashdown when you walked up to me. MAX: I know you don't like people to touch you, but I might be able to get a connection. Let's see. [Samuel freaks out and runs when Max touches him] MAX: No, no, it's all right. I'm not gonna hurt you. No, Samuel! It's ok! No, stop! Stop! Samuel, it's all right. I won't hurt you. [Screaming] MAX: Samuel, stop. It's ok. [Screaming] MAX: it's ok. Samuel! SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Oh, my god! What happened?! MAX: It was just- SAMUEL'S MOTHER: move away. Stay away! You're going to be ok, Samuel, honey, come here, let me see- It's ok. It's all right-. Come here- [Samuel and his mother arrive home with Max, and Samuel's father is waiting there] SAMUEL'S MOTHER: it's ok. It's ok. SAMUEL'S FATHER: How is he? SAMUEL'S MOTHER: He's fine. SAMUEL'S FATHER: Well, what the hell happened? Your message made it sound like he cracked his head open. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: He fell. He's ok. It wasn't as bad as it looked. SAMUEL'S FATHER: Samuel, are you ok? SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Warren, please. You're making him nervous. I need to get him inside. MAX: I'm sorry. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: It's ok. You had his best interest at heart. Come on inside, honey. Let's relax. SAMUEL'S FATHER: What happened? MAX: It was my fault. Rebecca went into the store for ice cream, and, uh... I was talking to Samuel, and... He just--he- SAMUEL'S FATHER: he lost it? MAX: Yeah. SAMUEL'S FATHER: 've been there... Many times. Max, I know what this must look like to you. Like I've, uh, abandoned my family or something. But there's something you gotta understand. What you've been doing for 2 days, I did for 7 years. I mean, he has spoken before. You know, Rebecca-- she probably didn't tell you that. When he was 4, he said... "Baskin-Robbins." You know, for the ice-cream store? We held on to that for over a year... Just waiting for him to say something else... Or say it again. He, uh, never did. Max, I know what it is that you're trying to do for my son, I do. But I-I'm just afraid that... Whatever it is that you're looking for... It just isn't there. [Max and Liz are talking in the Crashdown] LIZ: So do you think that the father's right that what he said didn't mean anything? MAX: I mean, he drew this ship. It must mean something. LIZ: Max? He was just drawing the mural. MAX: He wasn't trying to communicate with me. None of this means anything. LIZ: So what are you gonna do, you just gonna walk away? MAX: I don't know what else to do. I already hurt him once. I shouldn't even be in his life. LIZ: Max, maybe there's some other reason that he reached out to you. He spoke to you. He obviously senses that you're different. Maybe he's trying to say something, and he's looking for help to say it. [Jesse is watching football on the TV] JESSE: No! No! No! No! Hey. ISABEL: Hey. How you doing? JESSE: Oh! Turnover! Our ball! Our ball! Our ball! ISABEL: Good game, honey? JESSE: Oh, great game. ISABEL: Oh, great. Great. You know, Jesse, it's Christmas-eve morning. We have a million things to do. JESSE: Yeah, hey. I'm stringing. Look. ISABEL: You've hardly started, and the sequence is all wrong. It's 5 popcorn, 2 cranberries. JESSE: Hey, if my work isn't good enough, maybe you should get candy cane and snowflake involved. ISABEL: Ok, I am doing everything I can to make sure that we have a perfect Christmas. JESSE: How can we have the perfect Christmas? Everything is too perfect. I mean, it's too planned. I'm breaking out in hives here. I never break out. ISABEL: But we're starting our Christmas traditions. JESSE: No. We're starting your Christmas traditions, all of your activities and your decorating and your charity work. I mean, it's great. But what about us? What about just sitting back on the couch and watching some TV and just talking and mellowing out? How about that for a Christmas tradition? ISABEL: Mellowing out? JESSE: Yes. ISABEL: Ok, are you gonna come with me to the Christmas village, or are you gonna be too busy mellowing out? JESSE: I'm going for a walk. [Cheering on TV as Jesse leaves] [The doorbell rings at the Valenti house, and Kyle opens the door] KYLE: hey, Shelby. Shelby Prine, right? SHELBY: Hi, Kyle. I haven't seen you in years. KYLE: So what are you doing here, is it a unicef situation? SHELBY: Oh. Didn't your father- KYLE: my father? He's in the bedroom getting ready to see his lady friend. Oh. Oh, you- [Kyle is telling Isabel about Shelby] ISABEL: maybe it's not so terrible. KYLE: What? ISABEL: Yeah. Wasn't she a few years ahead of us in school? She's probably 21 or so. And... KYLE: And? ISABEL: Jessie is older than I am. You can't predict who you'll have a connection to. KYLE: Whose side are you on? ISABEL: I always liked Shelby. She was really cool. KYLE: Stop. Listen, listen. It's sick. It's sick and deviant and humiliating. KYLE: Kyle, Don't worry about it, JIM: Hey! KYLE: Oh, crap. Hey. So, out for a public display-- oh, I mean, walk? SHELBY: Isabel Evans? Hi. How are you? ISABEL: Hi. SHELBY: Hi. ISABEL: Hi. JIM: We were just... Walking. KYLE: See you. JIM: Yeah. SHELBY: Bye, Kyle. ISABEL: Huh. You're right. It's sick. MICHAEL: So, Paul, you a football player? You look like a football player. KIDS: Hockey. MICHAEL: Hockey. There's a man's sport. What's your favorite team? KIDS: The rangers. MICHAEL: Ok, that's where we go our separate ways. MICHAEL: (to Maria) Wanna fetch me a Snapple? MARIA: What? MICHAEL: I'm dry as a bone here. Been talking all day. Come on, snowflake. MARIA: Michael, there's no way that I'm gonna- MICHAEL: Michael? I'm not Michael. I'm Santa. Paul, don't you think that snowflake should fetch Santa a Snapple? KIDS: Of course you should. You're an elf. MICHAEL: Exactly. And I'll need a foot rub later, too. MARIA: Uh, you know what, Santa? I think I have a Snapple in my little elf house. [Maria drags Michael into the elf house] MARIA: Fetch me a Snapple? MICHAEL: You're supposed to be Santa's helper. MARIA: Oh, that's a load of crap. You're doing this deliberately. MICHAEL: Doing what? MARIA: Trying to get back at me because I broke up with you. MICHAEL: Hey, snowflake, you're an elf. It's your job. Get over yourself. MARIA: Stop taunting me. MICHAEL: I'm not taunting you. Look, the reason that I did this to begin with was to get away from you. You think I wanna be here? Isabel roped me into this. MARIA: Then we'll keep to ourselves, and we'll be fine. MICHAEL: Fine. MARIA: Perfect. MICHAEL: I miss you. MARIA: I miss you, too. [Michael kisses Maria- they fall down on the floor kissing, and a kid walks up to the door and sees them] KIDS: It's Santa! Santa and snowflake are kissing. MICHAEL: We gotta hide. KIDS: Gross. Mommy, Santa and snowflake are doing it. They're doing it. MARIA: Get off. I can't my belt's stuck. I can't move. KIDS: Aah! [Isabel comes in and finds them sprawled on the floor] ISABEL: you two should go home and have a long talk with yourselves. And you--you begged me to be Santa. MARIA: You what? ISABEL: You're fired. Both of you. [Late at night, Max sneaks into Samuel's room] MAX: shh! It's ok. I'm sorry. There's someone I've been looking for. Sort of like I think your mom and dad have been looking for you. But I was looking in the wrong place. And...I think that's why you got so upset before. Because I wasn't really coming to you for you. I was doing it for myself. And you're smart enough to know that, aren't you? But tonight, I am here for you. I want to help you say the things you need to say. Ok? [Max puts his hands next to Samuel's head and uses his powers- the strain is hard on him- he is sweating and breathing hard as he finishes] [Silent night plays] MAX: Samuel? Samuel... Try to speak. It's ok to speak. It's ok to speak. Samuel? Samuel... [Samuel doesn't speak, and Max is disappointed] [Max is telling Liz about it] LIZ: So what happened? MAX: It didn't work. I couldn't heal him. LIZ: Well, maybe he didn't need to be healed. You heal people who are sick or hurt. But Samuel isn't sick or hurt. He's just different. MAX: Maybe I was trying to heal the wrong person. [Michael and Maria are sitting on the steps of her house talking] MARIA: Michael, no. I--look, I... I want to, but it's just... We're just gonna wake up tomorrow and things'll be... Like back to how they were. MICHAEL: That's not a problem for me. MARIA: Yeah, I know. Look, I think I should just go inside, ok? MICHAEL: Maria... I don't wanna be alone. It's Christmas. MARIA: Ok. Well, how about... I...Make us some hot chocolate and we just sit out here and talk? [Max is sitting with Isabel asking her to help him with Samuel] ISABEL: So...You want me to bring the mother and father into the child's dream? MAX: Can you? ISABEL: I've never done it before. MAX: But you've never tried it before. ISABEL: Max, why do you want me to do this? MAX: I want Samuel's parents to know their son. Whoever he is in there. ISABEL: Ok. Ahem. [Isabel touches Samuel's picture and goes into his dream- he is looking at a tree with a fire truck under it- his parent's are watching- she touches their pictures and they are brought into the dream too, and see Samuel very happy- they smile as they watch themselves with their son] [Choir singing] [whistle blows] SAMUEL'S FATHER: ok, now it's time for the angel. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Honey, let's put the angel on the top of the tree. SAMUEL: I love you, mommy. SAMUEL: I love you, daddy. [Samuel's parents are crying with joy as Isabel looks on] MAX: Did it work? ISABEL: Yeah. Yeah, it worked. MAX: What's it like in his mind? ISABEL: It's beautiful. [The phone rings] SAMUEL'S MOTHER: hello? SAMUEL'S FATHER: I just had this dream. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: So did i. SAMUEL'S FATHER: it was so, uh... SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Real. SAMUEL'S FATHER: Can I come over? [Christmas morning at the Valenti house--] JIM: Morning, Kyle. KYLE: All right, here's the thing-- dad, if you're gonna date women half your age, I suppose I can't stop you, but if you're going to, I have some house rules. I don't wanna know about it. I don't wanna hear about it. I don't wanna see her walking around in the morning half-naked. JIM: Kyle- KYLE: I'm not done. It's one thing to get up onstage and make believe you're a rock star, but, dad, you've taken this whole mid-life crisis thing way too far. The creep factor here is... I'm young. I'm impressionable. JIM: We broke up. KYLE: You what? JIM: We put it on hold for a while. KYLE: Oh. Why? JIM: Well, there's a bit of an age difference, you know. KYLE: Is there? JIM: Just didn't feel right. KYLE: Dad, i hope you didn't do this because of me. JIM: Mm-mmm. She's awful cute, though, wasn't she? [Christmas morning at Jesse and Isabel's--] ISABEL: I'm sorry. I've canceled all our appointments for today. JESSE: You didn't have to. ISABEL: We've seen enough of my way of Christmas. Now I wanna see your way. JESSE: Heh heh. Why? ISABEL: Something suddenly struck me at 4:00 this morning. I realized that Christmas isn't really about being perfect. It's about family. You're my family now, so... [Christmas morning at Samuels- his parent's lift Samuel to put the angel on the tree, as in the dream- Max watches from outside- he smiles at Samuel, and puts a present on the wall] [Music plays] The first noel - the angel did say - was to certain poor shepherds - in fields as they lay - in fields where they lay keeping their sheep - on a cold winter's night that was so deep - noel, noel - noel, noel - born is the king of Israel - noel, noel - noel, noel - born is the king of Israel - MAX: must have been weird for you, seeing me with his family. LIZ: A little. MAX: It might make you worry about when I find my son. What that might mean for us. LIZ: Should I worry? MAX: No. I saw Samuel this morning with his family, and... It made me realize something-- that you, Liz... You're my family. [Max and Liz walk outside- they head to the lake and skate together while music plays- scenes of the other Roswell residents and their Christmas experiences are mixed with Max and Liz skating. Max and Liz kiss] Music playing- "Have yourself a merry little Christmas- let your heart be light - from now on, our troubles will be out of sight - through the years, we all will be together - if the fates allow - hang a shining star upon the highest bough - and have yourself merry little Christmas - now
Plan: A: an intriguing autistic child; Q: What is Max fascinated by? A: his own lost child; Q: What does Max wonder if the autistic child is trying to reach out to him? A: Michael; Q: Who plays Santa to Maria and Liz's elves? A: their first holiday; Q: What do Isabel and Jesse share together? Summary: When Max is fascinated by an intriguing autistic child he wonders if his own lost child is attempting to reach out to him. Meanwhile, Michael plays Santa to Maria and Liz's elves at a charity event. Isabel and Jesse share their first holiday together as husband and wife.
THE SEA DEVILS BY: MALCOLM HULKE 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. SS PEVENSEY CASTLE. RADIO ROOM (NIGHT) (In the radio room of the SS Pevensey Castle, a RADIO OPERATOR grabs a chair and sits before his radio set. He wears an orange lifejacket. Outside the room, screams of terror and fear can be heard from his shipmates. He grabs the radio mike and switches on the set.) RADIO OPERATOR: (Into radio.) Mayday. Mayday. SS... [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. NAVAL BASE. RADIO ROOM (NIGHT) (At the naval base, LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN is on duty and picks up the signal from his set through his headphones.) RADIO OPERATOR: (OOV: Over radio.) ...Pevensey Castle - we're being attacked! LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN: (Into radio.) Give your position, please! Give your position! (Through the doorway in the room beyond, the commander of the base - CAPTAIN HART - enters coughing having been interrupted from his sleep. He switches on the light and walks through to the radio room. He wears his uniformed greatcoat. He walks through to the radio room and joins BOWMAN.) CAPTAIN HART: What is it? LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN: It's a Mayday, sir. SS Pevensey Castle - they say they're being attacked! [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. SS PEVENSEY CASTLE. RADIO ROOM (NIGHT) RADIO OPERATOR: (Into radio.) We're abandoning ship! We're abandoning ship! Our position is... (He stops as a scaly hand grabs the microphone. He jumps backwards from his chair in shock and raises his hands to his face and screams in terror...) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. SEA (A small boat crosses a calm sea heading towards a series of small islands. The DOCTOR and JO are at in the boat. The DOCTOR is protected from the breeze by his cloak while JO is open to the elements from the white trouser suit she wears. The owner of the boat, ROBBINS, points ahead.) ROBBINS: That's it over there. (The DOCTOR holds his hand up against the sun but the black duffel-coated ROBBINS hands him a pair of binoculars. The DOCTOR looks through them and sees a Victorian gothic folly castle ahead near the shoreline. It has several turrets and a round tower. The DOCTOR hands the binoculars to JO.) DOCTOR: There you are, Jo. That's the Master's permanent residence from now on. JO: Well let's hope he's still there. [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT QUAYSIDE (The little boat comes by the side of a jetty. The DOCTOR jumps out and grabs the rope which he ties to the side.) DOCTOR: Okay. (Having secured the boat, the DOCTOR and JO walk down the jetty followed by ROBBINS. At the end of the jetty a minimoke waits, driven by a man dressed in a uniform which includes a blue round necked jumper, a short black cloak and a beret. ROBBINS: I'll be back in a couple of hours to take you over to the mainland. DOCTOR: Right. (ROBBINS collects a motorcycle while the DOCTOR and JO squeeze into the minimoke. The driver starts up the vehicle and they move off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. CASTLE (Within the gothic castle...) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. CASTLE. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (...a man, past middle age, picks up a telephone in his office in his slightly shaking hands. The room is a mixture of stone-lined ancient with modern office needs,) TRENCHARD: (Into phone.) Yes? CASTLE GUARD BARCLAY: (OOV: Over phone.) Main gate. Two visitors for the prisoner, sir, from UNIT. Passes all in order, sir. TRENCHARD: (Into phone.) Right, send them up. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. CASTLE (Having passed through the main gate, the minimoke pulls up at the castle itself and is greeted by several armed guards. One of them escorts the DOCTOR and JO inside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. CASTLE. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (The slightly elderly man, TRENCHARD, is now sat at the desk, writing. The DOCTOR and JO are shown in through an arched doorway in the stone wall by the guard who waits in the room with them. JO coughs but TRENCHARD continues to write as if unaware of their presence. JO and the DOCTOR smile at each other and then he makes a pronouncement to the Governor...) DOCTOR: Well, I suppose we could always come back later! (TRENCHARD looks up.) TRENCHARD: Oh, yes, of course. (Coughs.) You'll be the chappy from UNIT. (JO walks forward and extends her hand.) JO: My name's Josephine Grant. How do you do? And this is the Doctor. (He shakes the DOCTOR'S hand.) TRENCHARD: Colonel Trenchard. Delighted to meet you. Pleasant trip? DOCTOR: Yes, thank you. TRENCHARD: You're late, you know? JO: Yes, we were held up. (He gets up with a paper in his hand and walks across to the guard.) TRENCHARD: Mmm, thought you might have sunk without trace. JO: Sunk? TRENCHARD: Happens all the time recently. DOCTOR: What does? (He hands the paper to the guard who leaves the room.) TRENCHARD: Ship's vanishing. Makes you think, doesn't it? DOCTOR: It does indeed. TRENCHARD: Now then - passes? DOCTOR: Er, well look, we've been through all that ... TRENCHARD: (Interrupts.) We don't take any chances here. Let's see them. (JO passes them to him as he returns to his desk.) TRENCHARD: Oh. Ah yes, from UNIT. DOCTOR: That's right, yes. TRENCHARD: Yes... (He looks over them.) TRENCHARD: Ah, jolly good. Well, you'll be wanting to see the prisoner? (He stamps the passes.) DOCTOR: That was the general idea. TRENCHARD: He's an interesting chap, you know. (TRENCHARD signs the passes.) TRENCHARD: You'll enjoy talking to him. DOCTOR: If ever I get the opportunity. Has he given you any trouble as yet? TRENCHARD: Not a bit. JO: You've got to be joking! He must have tried to escape? TRENCHARD: You've seen our security precautions. Anyway, we're on an island. DOCTOR: Has he tried to hypnotise any of the guards, by any chance? TRENCHARD: Not at all. All our men are completely immune to hypnotism. JO: How can you be so sure? TRENCHARD: Prove it to you. (He presses an intercom button on his desk and speaks into it.) TRENCHARD: Trenchard here. Send that new man, er, Wilson, in to see the prisoner. (He switches off the unit and gets up from his desk. He crosses the room behind the DOCTOR and JO.) TRENCHARD: Now then, come over here and take a look into this screen. (TRENCHARD switches on the screen and a venetian-blind effect monitor becomes a view on the MASTER'S room. He sits wearing a white top and trousers and wearing a cloak, He assiduously reads a book. The room is brick lined and although not luxuriously furnished, is comfortable enough.) DOCTOR: (Smiles.) My word, he's putting on weight! (JO laughs.) TRENCHARD: Poor chap, he can't get the exercise. Now then, watch. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. CASTLE. MASTER'S ROOM (One of the black-cloaked guards enters the MASTER'S room.) CASTLE GUARD WILSON: Mr. Trenchard sent me, sir - to see if you wanted your book changed? MASTER: Well, that's very kind of him, but, erm, I haven't quite finished yet. CASTLE GUARD WILSON: Right you are, sir. (WILSON heads for the green metal door.) MASTER: Just a minute. (The guard stops.) MASTER: You're new here, aren't you? CASTLE GUARD WILSON: Arrived yesterday, sir. (He turns to leave again.) MASTER: Wait...do you know who I am? CASTLE GUARD WILSON: (Puzzled.) You're the prisoner. (The MASTER fixes him with his hypnotic stare...) MASTER: I am the Master...come here. (WILSON walks over to the MASTER who stands and stares intently into his eyes.) MASTER: I am the Master...you will obey me! You understand? You will obey me! (WILSON is unaffected...) CASTLE GUARD WILSON: You'll let us know when you've finished with the book, sir? (He walks out leaving a furious and frustrated MASTER behind.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. CASTLE. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE TRENCHARD: You see? (He switches off the monitor.) DOCTOR: Yes, very impressive. Erm, perhaps we could see him now, yes? TRENCHARD: Certainly, this way. (He goes to the door and opens it. He gestures to JO.) TRENCHARD: After you, my dear. (As JO walks out, TRENCHARD pats her on the shoulder. The DOCTOR follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. CASTLE. PASSAGE OUTSIDE GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (In the passage, TRENCHARD leads the way past two waiting guards.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. CASTLE. MASTER'S ROOM (The MASTER is exercising on a rowing machine.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. CASTLE. PASSAGE OUTSIDE MASTER'S ROOM (TRENCHARD leads the way down a flight of steps and gestures to another guard for the door to the MASTER'S room to be unlocked. TRENCHARD walks in.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. CASTLE. MASTER'S ROOM (The MASTER stops rowing.) TRENCHARD: Visitors for you. (The MASTER seems genuinely pleased to see them.) MASTER: Why, Doctor! And Miss Grant! What a very pleasant surprise! (The DOCTOR smiles, slightly embarrassed.) DOCTOR: Yes, well, er, how are you? MASTER: Well, as you see, very well. Trying to keep fit. TRENCHARD: Yes, well, I'll leave you all together. Er, give the guard a shout when you want to leave. DOCTOR: Thank you, Colonel. (TRENCHARD walks out. The MASTER gets up off his rowing machine and laughs gently as he towels himself.) MASTER: He's quite a decent sort really. Used to be the Governor of a colony once, so he tells me. DOCTOR: Very small colony, wasn't it? In fact, I believe they, er, they claimed independence soon after he arrived! (The two men laugh.) JO: He seems to be looking after you very well. MASTER: Oh, yes, I've got everything I want - except of course my freedom. (The DOCTOR grows serious...) DOCTOR: You can consider yourself lucky. Quite a few people were in favour of having you executed. MASTER: My dear Doctor, don't think I'm not grateful. I've had a chance to think about things while I've been in here. DOCTOR: Have you now? MASTER: I wish that something like this had happened a long time ago. JO: Well, surely you don't like being locked up? MASTER: No, but...it's given me a chance to reconsider my life. (He goes into the next room.) DOCTOR: Am I to take it that you're a changed man? [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. CASTLE. BATHROOM (The MASTER washes his hands watched by the DOCTOR and JO from the other room.) MASTER: Is that so very incredible? After all, I do have a great deal with which to repent. JO: You're telling us! DOCTOR: In that case, perhaps you'd like to tell me the whereabouts of your TARDIS? (The MASTER puts on blue dressing gown.) MASTER: So that you could use it in order to escape from this planet, Doctor? [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. CASTLE. MASTER'S ROOM DOCTOR: No, so that I can make absolutely certain that you can't! (The MASTER rejoins them.) MASTER: No, I'm sorry. That is too much to ask. (The atmosphere in the room sours.) DOCTOR: Ask a silly question. Come on, Jo. I think we'd better be going. (He shows JO to the door but the DOCTOR has one more question...) DOCTOR: Er, is there anything that I can do for you at all? MASTER: There is one thing - please come in now and then to have a chat. Oh, Trenchard's a very nice man, but, er, his conversation is somewhat limited. JO: (Smiles.) Goodbye. MASTER: Goodbye, Miss Grant. (She walks out.) MASTER: And goodbye, Doctor. I sincerely hope we meet again very soon. (He holds out his hand. The DOCTOR goes to shake it but thinks better and holds up his hand in a wave which the MASTER reciprocates.) DOCTOR: Goodbye. (The MASTER laughs gently as the DOCTOR walks out and the door is locked after him. The MASTER divests himself of his dressing gown and gets back on the rowing machine. Before he takes the first stroke, he laughs again, but this is no gentle friendly laugh - it is one of triumph and cunning.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. CASTLE. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (The DOCTOR and JO are back in the governor's office but without TRENCHARD. The DOCTOR looks pre-occupied.) JO: Doctor? DOCTOR: Mmm? JO: You felt sorry for him, didn't you? You wanted to come down here and see that was all right? DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Well, he used to be a friend of mine once. A very good friend. In fact, you might almost say we were at school together. JO: How long's he going to be here? DOCTOR: Forever, I should think. (TRENCHARD comes back in.) TRENCHARD: Ah, ready for off then? I'd better stamp your passes. DOCTOR: What - again? (JO hands them to him.) TRENCHARD: Gotta be checked in and out, old man. It's the rule. (TRENCHARD sits at his desk and starts to stamps the passes.) TRENCHARD: Well, we don't look after him too badly, do we? DOCTOR: No indeed. But I advise you to be careful. He's a very dangerous man. TRENCHARD: Ah, don't worry. I keep my eye on him. (TRENCHARD hands the passes back to JO.) TRENCHARD: There you are, my dear. Come along, now then. JO: Thank you. (TRENCHARD heads for the door.) TRENCHARD: I'll get one of my chaps to run you down to the quayside. DOCTOR: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] 19: EXT. CASTLE (The DOCTOR and JO are escorted out of the castle by a guard. They climb into a waiting minimoke and are driven off. As they proceed down the drive, the DOCTOR gives a troubled look back at the castle. JO notices this and does the same.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. CASTLE. MASTER'S ROOM (TRENCHARD re-enters the MASTER'S room. The man himself is sat making notes.) TRENCHARD: There we are then. Fooled them nicely, didn't we? MASTER: I hope so. TRENCHARD: What about that hypnotism wheeze, eh? That took 'em in! MASTER: Don't underestimate the Doctor. (He goes over to a metal bookcase and takes down a book.) MASTER: Do you really believe that he came here to see me? TRENCHARD: Why else? MASTER: Vanishing ships, of course. TRENCHARD: Oh. I don't think so. No, he didn't seem particularly interested when I mentioned it. (The MASTER spins round furiously.) MASTER: You did what?! TRENCHARD: Oh, just chatting. No harm done, surely? MASTER: (Sighs.) Let's hope not. By the way, what about those admiralty charts I asked for? TRENCHARD: Er, they'll be here this afternoon. MASTER: Ah, splendid. Er, there is one more thing... TRENCHARD: Yes? MASTER: I wonder, do you think I could have another television set - for the bedroom? TRENCHARD: Yes, yes, I'm sure that's possible. MASTER: Er, colour, of course. TRENCHARD: Of course! Well, if you'll excuse me? (He walks out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. QUAYSIDE (The DOCTOR and ROBBINS walk down the jetty.) ROBBINS: Ah, it's true. Three ships vanished. Summit queer going on, for all they're tryin' to hush it up. DOCTOR: Well, who's trying to hush it up? ROBBINS: Well, them over at the naval base - the secret research establishment. DOCTOR: You seem to know a great deal about all this. ROBBINS: Well, I'm in the lifeboat crew, aren't I? We went out to look for survivors. Only found the one lifeboat - capsized. One that was all charred in a sort of pattern. DOCTOR: Well, where's this boat now? ROBBINS: Ah, the navy took it. Told us to keep our mouths shut. DOCTOR: Well, where's this naval base, then? (ROBBINS points to the right.) ROBBINS: Over beyond the headland. DOCTOR: Right, well perhaps you'd like to take me there straight away? ROBBINS: Mr. Trenchard paid me to bring you out here and take you back. You want to go over to the naval base, then you make your own arrangements. (They reach the end of the jetty.) DOCTOR: Yes, well you're...probably perfectly right. (The DOCTOR takes a note out of his pocket and holds it up.) DOCTOR: Look, erm, I wonder whether you'd like to go and see what's happening to my young friend? Erm, she said she was going to buy some picture postcards. ROBBINS: I don't mind. DOCTOR: I'd go myself, only, er...my bad leg's playing me up a bit - the Crimea, you know? ROBBINS: I see. (Puzzled.) Crimea? DOCTOR: Oh, Gallipoli? El Alamein? (He holds up the note again.) DOCTOR: Does it really matter? ROBBINS: I reckon not. (He takes the note and walks off. As soon as he has gone, the DOCTOR lets the rope of the boat go, climbs aboard, starts the motor up and sails off. ROBBINS, money in hand, watches him go.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: EXT. NAVAL BASE. ENTRANCE (Two ratings stand guard on the entrance. The sign on the barrier reads "HMS SEASPITE. NAVAL RESEARCH ESTABLISHMENT". In an office overlooking the entrance, CAPTAIN HART stands at the window dictating a letter to his secretary, 3rd OFFICER JANE BLYTHE.) CAPTAIN HART: And I regret to inform your Lordships... [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. NAVAL BASE. CAPTAIN HART'S OFFICE (He steps away from the window.) CAPTAIN HART: ...that our investigations have failed to reveal any clue as to the cause of the sinkings, full stop. The charred ship's lifeboat will be sent to our laboratory at HMS Vernon, Portsmouth, for investigation and analysis. (He paces back to the window.) CAPTAIN HART: Meanwhile, we are keeping careful watch... (He stops.) 3rd OFFICER JANE BLYTHE: Yes, sir? CAPTAIN HART: Come and look at this! (She joins him at the window.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. NAVAL BASE CAPTAIN HART: What on Earth...? (Through the window they see the DOCTOR in his boat getting near the beach.) 3rd OFFICER JANE BLYTHE: Perhaps he's lost, sir? CAPTAIN HART: This place is supposed to be top secret! [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. NAVAL BASE. CAPTAIN HART'S OFFICE (He goes to a phone on his desk.) CAPTAIN HART: People treating it like Brighton beach! (Into phone.) Get me the Master-at-arms. (He waits, then...) Captain Hart here. I don't know whether you've noticed but there happens to be a stray civilian chugging into the base! Get on to it, will you?! 3rd OFFICER JANE BLYTHE: Sir, he's making straight for the lifeboat! [SCENE_BREAK] 26: EXT. NAVAL BASE (The DOCTOR has made his way through a wire fence and is approaching the upturned burnt lifeboat. He takes out a magnifying glass and starts to look at the hull. He hears a cry behind him.) NAVAL OFFICER: Oy! You! (He turns and sees the Master-at-arms and five armed ratings running up to him. He is unfazed.) DOCTOR: Good afternoon! I wonder whether I could see your commanding officer? (The sailors look down on him in puzzlement.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: EXT. QUAYSIDE (JO hands ROBBINS a ten pound note.) ROBBINS: Thank you, Miss. (He takes off his motorcycle helmet and hands it to JO.) ROBBINS: Look after it for me, won't you? JO: Don't worry. I'll bring it back just as soon as I've found the Doctor. (JO puts the helmet on and climbs on the bike. She starts it up and rides up the jetty and off towards the base.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. CASTLE. MASTER'S ROOM (The MASTER switches on a screen on the wall of his room. It is a venetian-blind type like that in the governor's office. On it is an episode of "<a href="../http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/ilove/tv/clangers/clangers_v6.shtml">The Clangers</a>". The MASTER sits back and smiles as he watches. After a moment, he starts to imitate the creature's whistles. TRENCHARD walks in with a rolled up chart under his arm.) TRENCHARD: What are you watching? MASTER: It seems to be a rather interesting extra-terrestrial life form! (TRENCHARD looks from the television to the MASTER in puzzlement.) TRENCHARD: Only puppets, you know? For children. MASTER: Oh. (The MASTER walks over and switches the set off with a sigh at TRENCHARD'S lack of humour.) TRENCHARD: Yes, well, here's the chart you wanted. MASTER: Oh, good! (He eagerly takes it from TRENCHARD and spreads it on the table. TRENCHARD hands him some plotting tools.) MASTER: That's right. Thank you. Now... (The MASTER starts to plot points on the chart.) MASTER: You know, Trenchard, a man of your efficiency is really wasted in a job like this. TRENCHARD: Huh, bit of a comedown in a way, I suppose, but, er... MASTER: Never mind. Once our plan succeeds...people will really begin to realise your true worth. TRENCHARD: Ah. (He laughs appreciatively at the MASTER'S flattery.) TRENCHARD: Er, what are you doing? MASTER: I've just been plotting the sightings of the three sinkings. (He draws three spots on the chart...) MASTER: There, there and there. (He then draws three lines between them forming a triangle.) MASTER: And it's interesting that...right in the middle of them, there's this abandoned sea fort. (He circles the fort on the map.) TRENCHARD: Not abandoned any more, old chap. MASTER: Really? TRENCHARD: Hart's people are going to use it as a sonar testing station. Contractors are working on the place now. MASTER: Mmm... [SCENE_BREAK] 29: EXT. SEA FORT (The large round Napoleonic sea fort sits in the middle of the water. Its blackened walls lapped by the waves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. SEA FORT. CREW ROOM (Within its walls, two men sit at a table in a crew room drinking out of cans and playing cards.) HICKMAN: How much to see you? CLARK: A fiver. (HICKMAN looks dubious, but...) HICKMAN: Right. CLARK: Full house. Kings on two's. (HICKMAN looks despondent at CLARK'S hand.) HICKMAN: Oh, that's marvellous, innit? Just marvellous! CLARK: Come on, it's not your life savings, it's only a couple of quid. I'll give you a chance to get your own back. HICKMAN: Ah, forget it. CLARK: What's the matter with you? HICKMAN: I don't know. Being stuck out here, I suppose. (He gets up and goes over to a shelf.) CLARK: It's not so bad. Are you sure you don't want another game? (HICKMAN opens another can.) HICKMAN: Do you know, there's something funny about this place. CLARK: (Sarcastically.) Share the joke. HICKMAN: Well, the place is deserted, right? CLARK: So? HICKMAN: Just the two of us on maintenance? CLARK: Right. HICKMAN: Yet I keep getting the feeling I'm being watched... [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. SEA FORT. PASSAGEWAY (A scaly hand appears over a window ledge...) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. NAVAL BASE. CORRIDOR (CAPTAIN HART leads the DOCTOR down a corridor to his office.) CAPTAIN HART: If you are from UNIT, then where are your credentials? DOCTOR: I never carry the things. Bureaucratic nonsense. If you wish to see my pass, then ask Miss Grant. (He enters the office uninvited.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. NAVAL BASE. CAPTAIN HART'S OFFICE (HART follows and JANE BLYTHE closes the door.) CAPTAIN HART: Why didn't you arrange for an official visit through normal channels? DOCTOR: Well, I just dropped in purely on impulse, old chap. As soon as I heard about that charred lifeboat, I had to see it. CAPTAIN HART: Oh, why? DOCTOR: You've inspected the boat yourself? CAPTAIN HART: Well, of course I have. DOCTOR: Then you must have noticed the linear nature of those scorch marks. (JANE is holding a pen and notepad.) DOCTOR: Excuse me, my dear, may I? (He takes them from her and sits on the edge of the desk.) DOCTOR: (To HART.) Now then, sit down! (With a look at the DOCTOR, HART sits at his desk. The DOCTOR draws a series of wavy lines on the pad like a line of concentric 'S's.) DOCTOR: Now, the marks are a very definite shape...a linear shape, like this. Now, how do you account for that? CAPTAIN HART: A freak affect if the ship caught fire. DOCTOR: Yes, but it didn't catch fire. If it had, the smoke and flames would have been seen, wouldn't they? CAPTAIN HART: All right then, how do you account for them? DOCTOR: A concentrated beam of heat, applied from underneath the boat whilst it was still in the water. (HART smiles in disbelief.) CAPTAIN HART: Deliberately to sink a lifeboat? DOCTOR: Yes...to make sure there were no survivors. (The DOCTOR crosses to a transparent chart which stands on one side of the room. Three points have been placed on it.) DOCTOR: What are these markers here? CAPTAIN HART: Those are the last known positions of the missing vessels so far as we can estimate. (The phone rings and JANE BLYTHE answers it.) 3rd OFFICER JANE BLYTHE: Captain Hart's office? (She listens.) Yes, yes I see. Hold on. (To HART.) There's a young lady here with two UNIT passes. She wants to know if there's anyone here called the Doctor? (The DOCTOR smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. SEA FORT. CREW ROOM (CLARK carries a draughts board over to the table.) CLARK: Come on, you can't lose anything at draughts. HICKMAN: There's a jinx on this place. Nothing but trouble since we started repairing the foundations. CLARK: Forget it, it's not your problem. Black or white? (HICKMAN suddenly sits up.) HICKMAN: What's that noise? CLARK: It's the mermaid - she can't resist us! HICKMAN: Shut up! (HICKMAN runs to the door.) HICKMAN: There's someone moving about upstairs. CLARK: It's the wind. HICKMAN: Fat load of use you are. (HICKMAN takes a flare gun off a shelf and loads it.) CLARK: What are you doing now? Going to send up a distress signal? HICKMAN: You never know. (Carrying the gun, he leaves the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. SEA FORT. PASSAGE (HICKMAN reaches a vertical ladder and starts to ascend it to a higher level. Reaching it, he moves off to investigate.) [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. SEA FORT. CREW ROOM (CLARK is setting up the drafts board when he hears a scream of terror from HICKMAN.) CLARK: Hickman! (He runs to the door and out into the passage.) CLARK: Hickman? [SCENE_BREAK] 37: INT. SEA FORT. PASSAGES (He makes his way through the deserted passages of the fort. The only sound is that of the sea outside. He reaches the ladder that HICKMAN climbed earlier and follows the same way. On the upper level, he looks round.) CLARK: Hickman? Where are you? (Round a corner, he finds HICKMAN lying on a concrete buttress. He is dead, his eyes wide open. CLARK looks at him in shock, then he sees movement across the room. A turtle-faced creature turns and looks at him...) [SCENE_BREAK] 38: INT. NAVAL BASE. CAPTAIN HART'S OFFICE (The DOCTOR, deep in thought, sits on a sofa in the corner of HART'S office while JO shows the CAPTAIN their passes.) CAPTAIN HART: Yes, well, these passes appear to be in order. You may go. (The DOCTOR comes out his reverie and gets up.) DOCTOR: Go? My dear chap, I don't want to go. I want to visit this fort here. (He points at the chart.) CAPTAIN HART: That fort is being converted for use as a testing station. There's nobody there but a couple of maintenance workmen. DOCTOR: Nevertheless, it is right in the centre of all the trouble, isn't it? Now if some of your naval bods could get me out there, Captain? CAPTAIN HART: Doctor, I have no authority to provide naval vessels for your pleasure jaunts! DOCTOR: Look, don't you realise how important this is? CAPTAIN HART: I realise only too well. Three ships have been sunk and may lives have been lost. Now, if you don't mind? JO: Doctor, I think he wants us to go! CAPTAIN HART: I suggest that you take your theories along to your own people at UNIT and put the whole thing on an official level! DOCTOR: If Horatio Nelson had been in charge of this operation, I hardly think that he would have waited for official instructions. (He goes and meaningfully opens his door for the DOCTOR and JO.) CAPTAIN HART: Yes, a pretty impulsive fellow, if one can believe the history books. [SCENE_BREAK] 39: INT. NAVAL BASE. CORRIDOR (The DOCTOR walks to the doorway.) DOCTOR: History books? Captain Hart, Horatio Nelson was a personal friend of mine. Come on, Jo. (JO, smiling, follows him along the corridor. HART, a look of astonishment on his face, watches them go.) CAPTAIN HART: Good grief. Poor chap's as mad as a hatter. [SCENE_BREAK] 40: EXT. SEA FORT (In ROBBIN'S boat, the DOCTOR and JO approach the sea fort.) JO: How do we get onto the fort? DOCTOR: Up that ladder. Now hold tight, Jo. We're coming alongside now. (The boat stops next to the fort and the two start to ascend the ladder, passing a sign which reads "MOD PROPERTY. NO LANDING".) [SCENE_BREAK] 41: INT. SEA FORT. PASSAGE (The two walk along a metal landing and descend a staircase.) JO: I still say you should have taken Mr. Robbin's boat back. DOCTOR: We will, Jo, we will. We'll take his motor bicycle back at the same time. Still, now we're here, let's take a look around, shall we? (They move off, JO looking nervously around.) [SCENE_BREAK] 42: EXT. SEA FORT (Outside, a scaly hand comes over the edge of the boat...) [SCENE_BREAK] 43: SEA FORT. CREW ROOM (The DOCTOR and JO find the crew room. They look round at the bunk beds and table. The DOCTOR picks up the discarded drinks can on the table and smells the contents.) DOCTOR: Well, somebody's here all right. JO: Well, where? Where are they then? DOCTOR: Well, this is a big fort, Jo. They must be in some other part of it. Come on, we'll find them. [SCENE_BREAK] 44: EXT. SEA FORT (Smoke is pouring out of the boat.) [SCENE_BREAK] 45: INT. SEA FORT. PASSAGE (The DOCTOR and JO continue to look round the fort. JO is getting nervous.) DOCTOR: There's supposed to be two workmen. They can't just have vanished. JO: Well, they have, haven't they? Look Doctor, it's getting dark. Let's get out of here. DOCTOR: There's plenty of time. (There is suddenly a huge explosion outside. They rush to the window...) [SCENE_BREAK] 46: EXT. SEA FORT (...where they see debris lying on the surface of the water.) DOCTOR: It must have been the petrol tank! JO: It couldn't just blown up by itself. [SCENE_BREAK] 47: INT. SEA FORT. PASSAGE JO: Doctor, do you realise - we're stranded here! DOCTOR: Don't worry, Jo. There must be a radio on this fort somewhere. We'll just have to get a message back to shore. Come on. (They move off. After they have gone, the turtle-faced creature appears out of the shadows and watches them go. The height of a tall man, fins cascade down the back of its neck and it wears a blue net-like robe.) [SCENE_BREAK] 48: INT. SEA FORT. ANOTHER PASSAGE (The DOCTOR and JO ascend the vertical ladder to the upper level. Their steps echo in the silence. As they look round, JO gasps...) JO: Look! DOCTOR: What is it? (It is HICKMAN'S body, unmoved. The DOCTOR rushes over to examine him.) DOCTOR: He's dead, poor chap. JO: Doctor, let's get out of here, please? DOCTOR: All right. Let's find that radio first. JO: Shh, listen! (They hear a ragged breathing. Round a corner in the passage, a shape stumbles towards them.) JO: It's coming towards us!
Plan: A: his island prison; Q: Where do the Doctor and Jo visit the Master? A: the Doctor; Q: Who becomes curious about a number of ships sinking in the area? Summary: The Doctor and Jo visit the Master at his island prison where the Doctor becomes curious about a number of ships sinking in the area.
Jim: Hey. Dwight: Hello. Jim? Jim: What's up, buddy? Dwight: This is not funny. Why is my stuff in here? Jim: Wow, that's weird. Oh, dollar for a stapler, that's pretty good. Dwight: Yeah, well, I'm not paying for my own stuff, okay? I know you did this, because you're friends with the vending machine guy. Jim: Who, Steve? Dwight: Yeah, Steve, whatever his name is. Pam: Sorry. What do I want? What do I want... Oh, it's a pencil cup. Dwight: No, no, no, no, no. That's my pencil cup. Pam: Um, I don't think so, I just bought it. Dwight: Uh, I think so, and you're going to hand it over to me. Pam: I love these. Dwight: Okay, fine. Where's my wallet? Jim: Oh, there it is. J1. Dwight: But I don't have any... Jim: Here, you know what? You can have some nickels. Dwight: [putting quarters in] Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hello, everyone. Dwight: Good morning, Michael. Phyllis: Where are we going this afternoon? Michael: Ah! Ha ha ha! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Last week, Michael sent out this mysterious memo. Jim: "It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask." Pam: A ski mask and a swimsuit. Jim: So that he can have us rob a bank, and then escape through the sewers. Pam: And brush our teeth. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Yeah? Stanley: Michael. Michael: Stanley! Bo banley. Stanley: I need to know... Michael: Banana fana fo fanley. Stanley: What we're doing. Michael: Be my mo manley. Stanley: You said bring a toothbrush. Michael: Stanley. Stanley: Is this an overnight? Michael: Maybe. The suspense is just so exciting, isn't it? Stanley: Should my wife tell her boss she's not coming in tomorrow? Michael: Maybe, I don't know. Stanley: Not maybe. Yes or no. Michael: Well, no. But... okay, don't spoil it for everybody, all right? But we are going on a booze cruise on Lake Wallenpaupack. Stanley: In January? Michael: It's cheaper. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: This is not just another party. This is a leadership training exercise. Right? I'm going to combine elements of fun and motivation and education into a single mind-blowing experience. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: It is now time to unveil the destination of this year's retreat. We are going on a harbor cruise of Lake Wallenpaupack. It's a booze cruise! Meredith: All right! Ryan: I have a test for business school tomorrow night. Is it okay if I skip the cruise and study for that? Michael: No. This is mandatory. But don't worry, you know what? You're gonna learn plenty. This is gonna turn your life around, Ryan. Ryan: I'm already in business school. Michael: Well, this... Kelly: Wait, Michael? Michael: Yeah? Kelly: Why did you tell us to bring a bathing suit? Michael: To throw you off the scent. Kelly: Yeah, but I bought a bathing suit. Michael: Well, just keep the tags on and you can return it. Kelly: I took the tags off already. Michael: Well, that's not my fault, okay? Just.. we're not going to pay for a bathing suit. Okay, I know what you're all thinking, "Who is this smart little cookie?" Her name is Brenda... something, and she is from corporate. And she is here, like you, to learn from what I have to say. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I am a great motivational speaker. I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year, and... it wasn't the actual course. You have to pay for the actual course. But it talked about the actual course. And I've incorporated a lot of his ideas into my own course. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Leader... ship. The word "ship" is hidden inside the word "leadership," as its derivation. So if this office is, in fact, a ship, as its leader, I am the captain. But we're all in the same boat. Teamwork! [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Last year, Michael's theme was "Bowl over the Competition!" So guess where we went. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Now, on this ship that is the office, what is a sales department? Anyone? Darryl: How about the sales department is the sails? Michael: Yes, Darryl, the sales department makes sales. Good. Let me just explain. I see the sales department as the furnace. Phyllis: A furnace? Jim: Yeesh, how old is this ship? Pam: How about the anchor? Phyllis: What does the furnace do? Michael: All right, let's not get hung up on the furnace. This just... it's the sales... I see the sales department down there. They're in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal into the furnace, right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic. Who saw it? Show of hands! Jim: I'm not really sure what movie you're talking about. Are you sure you got the title right? Michael: Titanic? Pam: I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October. Michael: No, I'm Leo DiCaprio! Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Michael stands in the front of the boat and says that he's king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Michael, everyone in the engine room drowned. Michael: No! Thank you, spoiler alert. You saw the movie, those of you who did. They're happy down there in the furnace room. And they're dirty and grimy and sweaty, and they're singing their ethnic songs, and... actually, that might be warehouse. Darryl: What? Michael: The... no, no. No, I didn't... okay. Well, okay, in a nutshell, what I'm saying is... leadership. We'll talk more about that on the boat. Ship. Dwight: Aye aye, Captain. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [singing] A three-hour tour, a three-hour tour. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Pam, you are Mary Ann! We have the Professor and Ginger, welcome aboard. Angela, you are Mrs. Howell. Lovey. [to Kelly] Uh... the native. Sometimes they come from neighboring... [to Stanley] We have one of the Globetrotters, I am the Skipper, and Dwight, you will be Gilligan. Dwight: Cool. Captain Jack: Actually, I'm the Skipper. But you can be Gilligan. Michael: I'd rather die. Hi, I am Michael Scott, I am the captain of this party. Captain Jack: I am Captain Jack, I am captain of the ship. I'm also captain of anyone who sets foot on the ship. [to boarding passengers] Hi, welcome aboard. Michael: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey, look! I'm king of the world! [SCENE_BREAK] Captain Jack: Okay, all right! Welcome aboard! I am your captain, Captain Jack. Michael: And I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Michael Scott. Welcome, welcome! Captain Jack: Okay! So... Michael: Okay! So... Captain Jack: Please. The life preservers. Michael: Right. Captain Jack: They are located underneath the seats, all along the border of the boat. Michael: But don't worry, you are not going to be needing life preservers tonight. Captain Jack: Well, we might, okay? Please let me finish, okay? Thank you. So, the Coast Guard requires that I tell you where the safety exits are. On this ship, it's very easy. Anywhere over the side. [Dwight laughs loudly.] Not only am I your ship captain, I am also your party captain! Whoo! We're gonna get it going in just a few minutes here... Michael: I'm your party captain too! And you are gonna put on your dancing shoes later on! So we are gonna... Captain Jack: Okay, Michael, if you don't mind... Michael: Rock it! Captain Jack: Please, okay? Michael: If the boat's a-rockin', don't come knockin'! Captain Jack: Michael. Michael: Yep. Captain Jack: Your company's employees are not the only people on the boat tonight, okay? Michael: We're all gonna have a good time tonight! Captain Jack: Why don't you let me and my crew do our job. You just sit back and have a good time. All right? Michael: Hm? Okay. Yep. [SCENE_BREAK] Katy: You guys, it's like we're in high school and we're at the cool table. Right? Roy: Yeah. Katy: Pam, were you a cheerleader? Roy: No, she was totally Miss Artsy-Fartsy in high school. She wore the turtleneck and everything! Katy: That's hilarious. Jim: It's not hilarious, but... Roy: Where did you go to school? Katy: Bishop O'Hara. Roy: Piss slop who cares-a? We played you! You... you really look familiar. Did you... you cheered for them, didn't you? Jim: Um, no. Katy: Yes, I did! [chanting] A-W-E-S-O-M-E! Awesome! Awesome is what we are! We're the football superstars! A-W-E-S-O-M-E! Roy: I remember that! We crushed you like 42-10! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Having fun? Brenda: Yeah. Everybody's really nice. Michael: Good. Well, that is what Scranton is all about. Not like you New Yawkers. Brenda: When are you going to start the presentation? Michael: Well, we already sort of started it back at the office and on the dock with the Gilligan thing, so... right now, I was thinking. Yes. Okay, listen up all you Dunder-Mifflinites! I would like to talk to you all about life preservers. Now, one important life preserver in business is IT support. Captain Jack: Not now, Mike, we're doing the limbo! That's right, partiers, it's time to limbo, limbo, limbo! Michael: So, okay. Dwight: Limbo, whoo! Captain Jack: All right! I need a volunteer to come up here and hold my stick. Who's it gonna be? Meredith: Me. Captain Jack: Okay... Dwight: Me! Me, me, me. Captain Jack: Uh... usually it's a woman. Dwight: I'm stronger. Captain Jack: Hey, I got an idea! How would you like to steer the ship, Dwight? [SCENE_BREAK] Captain Jack: Keep us on a steady course. Keep a sharp eye out. I'm counting on you! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four. And I was great. And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats. [SCENE_BREAK] Captain Jack: All right, all right, that was great! Now it's time for the dance contest! Michael: But before that, I have to do my presentation. Captain Jack: Nope! Dance contest! Michael: All right, we'll have a motivational dance contest! Hit it! Yeah, okay, dancing! It is a primal art form used in ancient times to express yourself with the body and communicate! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that's always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [singing] What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning? Angela: Hey, come inside and talk to me. Dwight: I can't. Do you want us to run aground, woman?! [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl and Katy: [chanting] Snorkel shot! Snorkel shot! Roy: Whoo! Who's next? Come on, Pam! Come on! Come on! Pam: No, I'm not going to do that. Roy: Come on! Darryl: That's what I'm talking about! Pam: Hey, why don't we find like a quieter place to hang out? Roy: I've just gotta wait for Darryl to do his shot. Just a minute. Come on! [chanting] Darryl! Darryl! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: It's getting kind of rowdy down there. Jim: Yeah. [chanting] Darryl! Darryl! Darryl! Pam: Sometimes I just don't get Roy. Jim: Well... Pam: I mean, I don't know. So... what's it like dating a cheerleader? Jim: Oh, um... [A long silence.] Pam: I'm cold. [SCENE_BREAK] Captain Jack: So, what's this presentation all about? Michael: Ah! See, this is of general interest. It is about priorities and making decisions, using the boat as an analogy. What is important to you? If the boat is sinking, what do you save? Captain Jack: Women and children. Michael: No, no. Salesmen and profit centers. Captain Jack: That's a stupid analogy. Michael: Okay, well, obviously you don't know anything about leadership. Captain Jack: Well, I was the captain of a PC-1 Cyclone Coastal Patrol Boat during Desert Storm. Dwight: Wow. You should be the motivational speaker. Michael: Okay. Dwight: Yeah. He gives me real responsibility, Michael. Captain Jack delegates. He's let me steer the ship for the last hour. [SCENE_BREAK] Katy: I'd like to be engaged. How did you manage to pull that off? Pam: Uh, I've been engaged for three years, and there's no end in sight. So... you don't wanna ask my advice. [SCENE_BREAK] Captain Jack: Suppose your office building's on fire. Jim, who would you save? Jim: Um... let's see, uh... The customer. Because the customer is king. Michael: Not what I was looking for, but a good thought. Captain Jack: He's just sucking up! Roy: When you were in the Navy, did you ever almost die? Captain Jack: Oh yeah, oh yeah. And I wasn't thinking about some customer. I was thinking about my first wife. The day I got back on shore, I married her. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up. [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: Hello, everybody, could I have your attention for just a second? Could you listen to me for a second? We were up at the front, and we were talking about what's really important, and... Pam, I think enough is enough. I think we should set a date for our wedding. How about June 10th? Come on, let's do it! Come on, Pam! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I don't want to take credit for this, but Roy and I were just having a conversation about making commitments and making choices. Right? Did I motivate you? Roy: No, it was Captain Jack. Michael: Well... could have been either one of us, because we were pretty much saying the same thing. Congratulations. That is great! Captain Jack: We gotta celebrate! Hey, I got an idea, I got an idea. I can marry you right now, as captain of the ship! Michael: Yes! I can marry you as regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin! Pam: No, no, I want my mom and dad to be there. Michael: Then I'll give you away! Pam: No, thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Katy: Do you think that'll ever be us? Jim: No. Katy: What is wrong with you? Why did you even bring me here tonight? Jim: I don't know. Let's break up. Katy: Whoa. What? [SCENE_BREAK] Captain Jack: This is where Captain Jack drives the boat. Meredith: Wow! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the Moon. Michael: Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication. Brenda: Really? What? Michael: Vomicillin. Okay. All right. It's time to be boss. It's time to motivate. Let's blow some minds here. Okay, guys, guys, cool it. Everybody, Dunder-Mifflin Scranton employees, Brenda, I have some very, very urgent news I need to tell everybody right now. Listen up. The ship is sinking! Okay? We're going down, right now. Just wrap your heads around the reality of that. Shh, please! Everybody, it's my turn now, okay? Captain Jack is gone. In five minutes, this ship is going to be at the bottom of the lake! And there aren't enough spaces on the lifeboat! Who are we gonna save? Do we save sales? Do we save customer service? Do we save accounting? This is a business scenario. Right? It's a scary... it's a... Captain Jack: Hey! Hey! What the hell is going on here? Michael: It's a predicament, and it's something that each and every one of us has to think about. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I'm in the brig. See? The boat's not as corporate-friendly as advertised. What was the deal with the guy jumping overboard? What was... if he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now and not all wet. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Is somebody there? Jim: What happened to you? Michael: Captain Jack has a problem with authority. Jim: Oh, right, because you announced that his ship was sinking? Michael: He just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic. Jim: What a night. Michael: Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged. Jim: She was always engaged. Michael: Roy said the first one didn't count. Jim: That's... great. You know, to tell the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam, so... Michael: Really? You're kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never have put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that. You know, I made out with Jan... Jim: Yeah, I know. Michael: Yeah? Yep. Well, Pam is cute. Jim: Yeah. She's really funny, and she's warm. And she's just... well, anyway. Michael: Well, if you like her so much, don't give up. Jim: She's engaged. Michael: BFD. Engaged ain't married. Jim: Huh. Michael: Never, ever, ever give up. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Don't worry, Michael. I'm taking us to shore. Michael: It's a fake wheel, dummy.
Plan: A: the annual motivational cruise; Q: What is the purpose of the boat that Michael rents? A: his antics; Q: What angers the captain of the boat? A: A drunken Roy; Q: Who sets a wedding date without consulting his fiancée? A: a saddened Jim; Q: Who breaks up with his girlfriend Katy? A: Jim; Q: Who reveals his feelings for Pam to Michael? A: love; Q: What does Jim realize he still feels for Pam? Summary: Michael rents a boat for the annual motivational cruise, where he angers the captain with his antics. A drunken Roy publicly sets a wedding date without consulting his fiancée Pam. This makes a saddened Jim realize that he is still in love with Pam and he breaks up with his girlfriend Katy. Jim reveals his feelings for Pam to Michael, but hides the fact that he still loves her.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Emma: Regina's doing what? David: She's going undercover. Regina: They're after The Author, too. They feel the only way to get their happy ending is to destroy yours. Regina: May I come in? Gold: No amount of torture will work on him. But it will succeed on the man he used to be. Emma: I know there's something about your past with Ursula you're not telling me. Did you break her heart? Hook: Worse. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Neverland ] [SCENE_BREAK] (It's night time, and Hook and his crew are sailing the ship through the waters of Neverland at night. Hook walks up to the helm and he's carrying a lantern. Smee is by the wheel and is eating cake.) Hook: Mr. Smee, we are to return to Neverland with a full hold... not full bellies. Mr Smee: Come on, Captain. Pan will never notice if a few cakes are missing. Hook: You can eat as many cakes as you want after I find a way to destroy the Dark One. Until then, we keep pan happy. Mr Smee: Of course. Hook: (Begins to look entranced as a woman's voice can be heard) So you hear that? (The voice continues) Mr Smee: It's beautiful. (The sounds of waves crashing comes, the crew are too entranced by the Siren's song to notice that they are heading straight for rocks. Suddenly the singing stops, and the men come back to their senses.) Hook: (Glances back through his telescope and sees that they are going to get shipwrecked) Rocks dead ahead! (He races back to the helm, and forcefully tries to steer the ship away from the rocks, successful in his actions) Mr Smee: (Stands beside Hook) That voice, captain... What was it? Hook: (Breathing heavily) The most dangerous creature in all the seas...A mermaid. (The scene switches to a young Ursula sat on the rocks where Hook's ship was heading. She is watching Hook sail his ship back to safety. Ursula looks sad. A moment later, her father, Poseidon appears, and he isn't happy.) Poseidon: Why did you let that ship go? Ursula: I'm sorry, father, but I couldn't. Poseidon: But I told you to. And I'm... Ursula: Poseidon, King of the Sea. Yes, yes. I know, but still...I want to use my voice to make people happy, not to hurt them. Poseidon: That's what your mother wanted, and look what happened to her. Ursula: I miss her, too, father. But she's the one that taught me to sing, and I know she wouldn't want me to use my voice like this. Poseidon: She also wouldn't want you to let her murderers sail free. She would want you to avenge her death. Ursula: No! That's what you want! Just because one human hurt mother doesn't mean they're all bad. Poseidon: Enough! As long as you live in my ocean, you will live by my rules. Ursula: Then maybe I don't want to live in your ocean. Poseidon: Ursula, pout all you want, but I expect you home by high tide. (Disappears in a rush of water) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At Mr Gold's cabin in the woods, Ursula is outside on the veranda, overlooking the lake, as she listens to someone singing on an old radio. She's unaware that Cruella has come outside) Cruella De Vil: Darling. Come. You're missing out on all the fun. (Ursula turns off her radio and follows Cruella. The scene changes to August who is still tied up on a chair. Mr Gold and Regina are standing together, watching him struggle against his bonds) August: I already told you... I don't know anything about this author. Ursula: (Enters with Cruella and walks over to August, holding a knife against his throat) Well, perhaps you could use a little incentive. August: Oh, that knife is not gonna make me remember something that I don't know. Regina: Wait. (Uses her magic to take the knife from Ursula for herself) Ursula: Is there a problem? Cruella de Vil: I knew she'd never the stomach for this. Regina: Please. I was torturing people back when you were still playing with puppies. This sorry excuse for a man used to be made of wood. So let's light a fire under him and see what happens. (She produces a magic fireball in her hand) August: (Suddenly looks scared) Okay. All right. You know something? I actually, uh, do remember something about The Author. Regina: (Throws her fireball into the fireplace, lighting a fire) August: Um... Ursula: Don't hold out on us. August: W-when I was in Hong Kong, uh, before the curse broke, I met a mystic. His name was The Dragon. I don't know how he knew about the book, but he had been looking for The Author for years. (He is looking at Mr Gold as he says this) Mr Gold: And what did this "dragon" learn? August: He died before I could ask. Mr Gold: Oh, well, that's something you two are about to have in common. (Stands up and walks towards August) August: And after he died... I took his research. And I brought it with me to Storybrooke. Maleficent: Do you really think this man-child is telling us the truth? Mr Gold: Well, it wouldn't be the first time he's lied to my face. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pay a visit to his trailer to find out. (Walks over to coat rack and takes his jacket) Ursula: While you're doing that, shall we carry on with the rest of the plan? Regina: (Looks surprised) Rest of the plan? What aren't you telling me? Mr Gold: You're gonna have to do a lot more than just kidnap a marionette and torch a few logs for us to tell you everything. In the meantime, be content that you've finally chosen the winning side. Regina: (Walks over to the fire and stares at it for a few moments, before smoke quickly begins to rise to the top of the chimney) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Hook, David and Mary Margaret are out searching for Regina/August. They are walking in the direction of the cabin, and it is clear that Emma is wound up, and Mary Margaret senses this) Mary Margaret: It's okay, Emma. As long as he's with Regina, Pinocchio will be all right. Emma: We don't know that. I just wish I hadn't let her ditch me. Hook: Swan, you couldn't have known that she'd drop that tracking device. Emma: Yeah, but I let her talk me into thinking kidnapping him was a good idea. If anything happens to that kid, it's my fault. David: (Bends down to inspect the tracks they have been following) Uh, the tracks end here. Looks like the rain washed them away. Hook: (Turns to look at Emma) Oh, would now be an appropriate time for a locator spell? Mary Margaret: (Looking into the distance) We may not need one. Look. (They all stop to look at the smoke travelling towards them. It engulfs Mary Margaret, before disappearing inside of her. The others look on concerned) David: Mary Margaret. Emma: What the hell was that? Are you okay? Mary Margaret: (Her voice is Regina's as she speaks) I have to make this quick. We don't have much time. David: Regina? Mary Margaret: (Still Regina) Pinocchio's fine. He's back to his old self, or older self. Emma: August. Mary Margaret: (Still Regina) But there's something else you need to know... Gold is here. We're holed up in his cabin, and he's in town for more than just The Author. But he won't tell me why, which means whatever it is he's planning...it's bad. (Regina leaves Mary Margaret, and Mary Margaret is back to her normal self) Hook: So the Dark One's returned. Emma: Yeah. (Turns to look at Hook) There's only one person who can help us drive him back out. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Hook, David and Mary Margaret are now in Gold's shop. Belle is with them, and they have just told her the news that Mr Gold has returned. She looks shocked at the news) Belle: H-h-he's here? (She is stammering over her words) Th-that's... That's impossible. Mary Margaret: Well, did you really think he'd stay away? Emma: (Rushes forward) The dagger... you need to hand it over so we can stop this fight before it starts. Belle: (Looks confused) The dagger? I-I don't have the dagger. Killian does. Hook: (Looks shocked by the news and looks amongst everyone) Who? Me? Well, I haven't seen that cursed blade since you commanded the Crocodile to leave the first time. Belle: But y-you took it from me last night to hide it where no one could find it. Hook: After the lifetimes I spent searching for a way to destroy the Dark One, I'm pretty certain I'd remember holding that dagger in my hand. Belle: Okay, well, if I didn't give it to you, then who... Emma: You gave it to Gold... (She turns to face Hook) Disguised as you. He's back, and so is his power. Belle: Even when I didn't think he could deceive me anymore...He found a way. Hook: Banishment was too good for that demon. We should have driven that dagger through his heart when we had the chance. Emma: Then your name would be written across it. Hook: It's a small price to pay to ensure the Crocodile wouldn't come back again. Emma: I know you're angry, but we defeated him before and we'll do it again. Mary Margaret: Yeah, but the question is, how? We don't even know what he's planning. David: First, we save August. Hook: Yeah. You do that. I'll find out the Dark One's secret. David: How are you gonna do that? Hook: The sea witch Ursula. Remember when I said I had a past with her? Now's the time to use it. Emma: How? Hook: By taking a page out of your book, Swan. I'm gonna return her happy ending. Emma: Can you really do that? Hook: Aye. Because I'm the one who took it from her in the first place. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina, August and the Queens of Darkness are still in Mr Gold's cabin, and they are waiting for Gold to return. Regina sits next to August, and she has the page of her and Robin Hood in her hands, slowly unfolding it). August: (Sighs) What's that... more kindling? Regina: This page appeared to someone very important to me. August: Robin Hood? Regina: How do you know about Robin Hood? August: Just 'cause the boy doesn't remember being me doesn't mean I don't remember being the boy. Regina: Well, you're right. Robin did find it. But this page... it depicts something that didn't happen. And I think you know more than you're saying. Cruella de Vil: (Notices that Ursula suddenly got a bit shifty) What's the matter, darling? Is there something out there? Ursula: It's nothing. Just gonna go stretch my tentacles. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook is in the woods near the cabin, trying to get Ursula to come to him. He's blown through a shell to get her) Hook: Where is that infernal creature? (Suddenly tentacles crush him and he grunts in pain) Ursula: Right here, captain. Hook: Wait. I want to offer you a deal. Ursula: After what you did to me? I don't think so. Hook: Gold was wrong. You don't have to find the author to get what you want. (Gasps in air when Ursula releases her tentacles from around him) Ursula: And why should I believe a word you say? Because I know what it is you desire. Hook: And I know exactly where to get it. Ursula: You still have it? Hook: The Dark One... he's here for more than just The Author. If I return your happy ending, you're gonna tell me exactly what he's doing in Storybrooke. Ursula: You got yourself a deal. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook and his crew are in a tavern. A now human Ursula is singing, and all the men in the tavern listen entranced to her voice) Ursula: ♪ I'll tell you a tale of the bottomless blue ♪ ♪ And it's hey, to the starboard, heave ho ♪ ♪ Look out, lad, a mermaid be waiting for you ♪ ♪ In mysterious fathoms below ♪ ♪ Mysterious fathoms below ♪ (She finishes and is met with applause) Hook: (He has been watching her and he finally stands, making his way over to her) I'd recognize that voice anywhere. You're the mermaid who nearly sank my ship. But you didn't. For that, I owe you a drink. (The scene changes to Hook and Ursula sat at a table in the corner of the room, they both have a drink. Ursula is in the process of explaining what happened earlier) Ursula: After I let you escape, my father said I had to obey his rules if I wanted to live in his ocean. Hook: Ah. I see you don't take well to ultimatums. Ursula: (Chuckles) I broke into his vault and stole this. It lets me walk on land. (She shows him a bracelet) Hook: Well, you're a brave lass. Ursula: My father wasn't always so cruel, you know. He used to be happy. Listening to my mother and me sing used to bring him joy. Hook: What changed, love? Ursula: My mother was killed... By a pirate. That's why he forbade me to sing, except to guide sailors to their doom. He turned my voice into a weapon. But it's all I have left of my mother. Singing is the only way to keep her spirit alive. Hook: You have a rare gift. Your voice can soothe even the most haunted soul. Ursula: You really think so? Hook: For almost a century, my every waking moment has been consumed by one thought... making an evil man pay for what he did to the woman I loved. Listening to your voice... took away that pain. If even just for a brief moment. Ursula: That's all I ever wanted To make people happy. Hook: Well, that's what you're doing. So, why are you singing in this rat's nest? Ursula: I'm saving for passage to Glowerhaven. My mother said it was her favourite place to sing. I'm trying to earn enough gold... Hook: Oh, you don't need gold for that trip. Ursula: I won't? Hook: Not if I take you. Ursula: (Chuckles) You'd really do that for me? Hook: Meet me at the docks tomorrow morning. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook and Ursula are standing at the docks, and Hook's ship is nowhere in sight.) Ursula: So, where exactly did you bury my treasure? Hook: Oh, I didn't bury what you're after. It's aboard the Jolly Roger. Ursula: So where's the Jolly Roger? Hook: Ha. Back in the Enchanted Forest. Now, can you still open portals underwater, or did you give up that power when you became the monster you are? Ursula: The monster that you made me. Hook: Can you open the portal or not? Ursula: Yes, I can. But I'm afraid I'll need something from the Jolly Roger to know exactly where it is. Hook: (Pulls a piece of wood out of his jacket) Piece of the rigging. Did you really think I'd trade my ship without taking a souvenir? (He hands the wood to Ursula who just holds it) What's the matter... you don't like the ocean? Ursula: I haven't dipped my toe in the sea since I was banished to this world. Stand back. (She uses her tentacle to touch the water, a small whirlpool appears) Hook: It didn't work. Ursula: (Chuckles) Yes it did. Hook: (Looks down and see that his ship is caught in a glass bottle) Bloody hell. Ursula: Looks like you're not the only thing that's changed. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook has just left the tavern, and as he makes his way back towards the docks. He senses that someone is following him, so he stops and goes to turn) Hook: The last man who tailed me ended up with a dagger in his gut. (Goes to attack whoever is following him, but he is grabbed by two men and a hood is put over his head) (The scene changes to two men dragging Hook onto his ship, both holding onto his arms to stop Hook from attacking them). One of them removes his hood, and the let go of him and step back) Hook: (Scoffs as his eyes land on Poseidon) You dare drag me onto my own ship? You're a dead man. Poseidon: You listen to me. My daughter is not going anywhere near this vessel tomorrow. Hook: (Chuckles) Well, threatening me isn't gonna make her change her mind. Poseidon: (Holds out a small shell) I don't need to change her mind. You do. Hook: How's a seashell gonna help me? Poseidon: (Waves his trident over the seashell and the shell glows momentarily) It's now enchanted to take away her reason to leave...her voice. Or rather, her singing voice. If she can't sing, she'll return to the sea, where she belongs. Hook: She told me what that voice means to her. I won't betray her, not since she spared my ship. Poseidon: What if I could offer you a way to destroy the Dark One? Hook: What do you know about my feud with the Crocodile? Poseidon: I know you've spent a lifetime searching for a way to kill him. I can offer you magic that will finally set you free. Hook: What kind of magic do you mean? Poseidon: Squid ink. A single drop is potent enough to paralyse any being, even Rumplestiltskin. Hook: And all I have to do is steal your daughter's singing voice? Poseidon: It's simple, pirate. Just show her how awful humans really can be. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook and Ursula enter Mr Gold's shop, where Belle and Will have clearly just been kissing. They pull away as Ursula and Hook walk towards them) Hook: Do hope we're not interrupting, but we need the thief's assistance. Belle: And how do I know That you're really Killian? Hook: Oh, now you decide to question my identity? Ursula: If he were the Dark One, lover boy here would already be dead. Will: Yeah, she's got a point there. Will: But why should I help you? Hook: Because for once, we want the same thing... the Dark One gone. The key to making that happen is in here. (Pulls out the glass bottle with his ship inside) Will: (Bends down slightly to look at the ship) Right. That your ship, is it? Bit small, isn't it? Hook: Careful, mate. It's unwise to insult the size of a pirate's ship. And you spent more time in wonderland than anyone I know. You must have something that can restore it. Will: You're in luck. I think I might have just what you need. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke. Regina's Dream ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina is walking alone through the woods, looking at the page of her and Robin kissing) Robin Hood: Regina! Regina: Robin? Robin Hood: Regina! Regina: Robin! I don't understand. How did you get here? Robin Hood" That doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is I'm here with you now. (They kiss passionately, happy to be reunited) Regina: (Pulls away and smiling, but it quickly drops) Someone's watching. (She turns to see the Evil Queen walking towards them) Regina: What the hell are you doing here? Evil Queen: Get away from him! (Throws a fireball at the two of them) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: (Gasps and wakes up) Maleficent: (Has been watching her sleep) If you're having trouble sleeping, I have something that might help. Regina: I'm fine. Thank you. Mr Gold: (Enters the cabin and shuts the door behind him) Hello, dearies. Cruella de Vil: Tell us... did you find anything at the puppet's trailer? Mr Gold: (Chuckles) Of course not. I didn't even look. The man's a born liar. He never would have cracked so easily. Instead, I paid a visit to the fairies. Or rather, a visit to their ample supply of magic. (He pulls out a small potion vile) Now, this potion can temporarily reverse any spell those do-gooders cast. They made him real. This can undo that. I promise you, deary... This is gonna hurt. (He removes August's gag and forces him to drink the potion, and very slowly August turns back into wood) Now... Let's see if we can pull this puppet's strings. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Mary Margaret and David pull up before a bridge in the truck and all get out, straight away heading in the direction of Gold's cabin.) Emma: Gold's cabin's up ahead. We go on foot from here. Mary Margaret: Anything from Hook? Think he's managed to turn Ursula yet? David: If she hasn't turned him. Emma: Really? We're thinking that now? David: Well, he kind of went to a dark place this morning. Emma: Do you blame him? If Gold did to me what he did to Hook, I'd want to shove that dagger through his heart, too. Mary Margaret: Emma, that's not you. You're not... Emma: (Interrupts and defends Hook) It's also not Hook. Relax. I'm just saying I understood where he was coming from. Come on. Gold might not hurt a kid, but August? Who knows what he'll do to him? (Continues walking in the direction of the cabin) (The scene changes back to Mr Gold, Regina and the Queens of Darkness in the cabin. August is completely wood again, having gone through the painful transformation. August turns back into a man again) Cruella de Vil: When you said it was temporary, you weren't kidding, were you, darling? Mr Gold: You see, you may no longer look like the puppet you once were, but it matters not. That potion you just drank has activated that... built-in lie detector of yours. August: I don't know what you're talking about. (He groans as his nose starts to grow) Mr Gold: (Chuckles) Excellent. The next lie is gonna hurt. (He forces August towards the fire and dangles his nose in it, August clearly in pain) What do you know about The Author? August: I already told you everything. (He lies and his nose grows once again. He grunts in pain as his nose gets closer to the fire) Mr Gold: Try again, dearie. Where is he? August: I don't know. (His nose grows once again) Mr Gold: Do not fool yourself. I will get my answer. August: Okay. Mr Gold: (Pulls him back) Where is he? August: All right. I'm gonna tell you what you want to know. The Sorcerer, uh, trapped The Author behind a door. Cruella de Vil: The Sorcerer? A door? He's speaking in riddles. August: No, listen to me, Gold. You know about the sorcerer. You know I'm telling the truth. And she... (He turns to look at Regina) She knows about the door. I know my papa gave you my things. There was a page that I took out of the book. Had an illustration of the door on it. Mr Gold: Regina? Regina: They were just scraps of paper. Mr Gold: Then you'll have no problem sharing them with us now. Regina: Well, I would if I hadn't already given them to Henry. Mr Gold: (Nods, before looking back at August) Do you remember what the door looks like? August: Uh... Made of wood. Hand-carved frame. Gilt in gold. Mr Gold: Where is the door? August: All I know... Is... it's somewhere in Storybrooke. Mr Gold: (Chuckles and pats August's back, before pushing August back onto the chair) There we are, now. That wasn't so hard, now, was it? Since the sorcerer was the one who did the trapping, we will start our search for the door at his mansion. Maleficent. (He starts putting on his jacket) Regina: I'll stay here and watch the puppet. Mr Gold: No, no. Cruella will be our guard dog. Since you're the only one who's seen the drawing of the door, you're gonna have to help us find it. (Leaves the cabin) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook and Ursula are back at the docks with the fluid that Will gave them, which will enlarge Hook's ship to it's proper size. Hook is holding the glass bottle, and Ursula is preparing to drop the water onto the bottle) Hook: Be careful, love. That's distilled from wonderland's finest mushrooms. Spill one drop, and, well, Storybrooke will have a giant squid in its harbour. (The ship inside the bottle begins to glow yellow, and Hook throws the bottle into the water, as he and Ursula watch on. Moments later the ship returns to it's original size) Hook: Now that's a ship fit for a pirate. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Ursula is singing on the ship again, and the crew are distracted, including Mr Smee. Hook makes his way down onto the deck, getting ready to set sail.) Ursula: ♪ fathoms below ♪ Hook: Mr. Smee, clear the deck. Ursula: ♪ Below. Wayward Western winds blow ♪ Hook: I'd like a moment alone with our guest. Smee: (Whistles, to signal the crew to leave Ursula and Hook alone) Ursula: ♪ Poseidon is king and his merpeople sing ♪ ♪ In mysterious fathoms below ♪ ♪ Mysterious fathoms ♪ (Stops singing when she realizes Hook wants to talk to her) I hope you don't mind. I thought your crew might like something to work by. Hook: Aye. It's beautiful. I'm afraid I've got something to show you. (He holds his hand out to reveal the shell that Poseidon gave him) Ursula: I know what that is. Why do you have that? Please don't use it! Hook: Don't worry. I won't. But you must know... your father gave this to me. He thought you'd return home if you could no longer sing. In exchange for helping him, he offered me squid ink... a weapon that would finally let me get my revenge against the Dark One. Ursula: And you would sacrifice that prize for me? Hook: I know that voice is the only thing you have left of your mother. If I had something left of my love... Look, I may be a pirate... but I have a code. And I promise to never take that voice from you. Ursula: But that means you'll remain trapped as Pan's servant forever. Hook: Not necessarily. You stole that bracelet from your father's vault. I'd wager that's where he keeps the squid ink. Ursula: You want me to steal it for you. Hook: I'll take you to Glowerhaven and wherever else you want to go. Ursula: Then we can both get what we want. Hook: Aye. Ursula: Now you're thinking like a pirate. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook and Ursula are now on the ship, and are heading into the room where Hook is keeping Ursula's voice. Hook in the process is taking in his ship, happy to see it again) Hook: Mm. I never thought I'd walk this sweet vessel again. Ursula: Yes, well, you can ogle your ship after you return my singing voice. Hook: (Takes is hook out from it's brace and the attachment is a key, which he uses to open a safe, before attaching his back in place. He holds the shell out to her) Now, you know the deal I hand this over, you tell me every detail of the Dark One's plan. (Hands the shell to Ursula) Ursula: (The shell begins to vocalize) Oh, you hear that? Hook: (Smiles) Aye. Ursula: (Watches as her voice leaves the shell and begins to travel towards her. Moments later, it stops and disappears back in the shell) It didn't work. Hook: Why the devil not? Ursula: Because you're wrong, Hook. Villains can't get their happy endings. (Sighs) I never should have believed you when you said we could do this without The Author. Hook: I delivered your voice. It's not my fault if your magic can't get it out of the bloody shell. Now tell me what Gold has planned. Ursula: Our deal is over. You get nothing! Hook: (He angrily grabs his gun, cocks it and points it at Ursula) Our deal is not done. I have to stop the Dark One. He's taken too much from me already. Ursula: You haven't changed one bit. Still the same selfish pirate, as always. Never go up against a woman with eight hands. (She uses one of her tentacles to knock the gun out of his hand) Especially when you only have one. (Knocks him out) (The scene changes to Ursula on the deck of the ship, holing Hook in one of her tentacles. Hook is still unconscious) Ursula: Have a nice swim, Captain. (She throws him overboard) (Hook lands in the water, and immediately goes under from his heavy leather and not being conscious to try and stay afloat. Moments later, he reappears and Ariel has a hold of him) Ariel: Don't worry. You can thank me later. (The scene changes to Ariel throwing Hook back on his bed. He's conscious now, but wet and cold) Ariel: Are you okay? Hook: Aye. Ariel: Good. (She leans forward and slaps him across the cheek hard) That's for tossing black beard overboard before he could tell me where Eric was. I had to rescue that awful man to find him. Hook: Then why are you here? I thought you and your prince were living happily ever after. Ariel: I was, until I got trapped in that bottle. After you traded the Jolly Roger to Black Beard, he used your ship to terrorize a lot of people, including some royals from Arendelle. The queen trapped your ship as punishment. Hook: Elsa did that? Ariel: And I accidentally got swept up in the magic, so thanks for letting me out. Was that the real Ursula? Why was she throwing you overboard? Hook: Because I was so focused on getting what I want, I made a promise to her I couldn't deliver. (Groans) Maybe she was right. Maybe villains can't get their happy endings. Ariel" Maybe that's because villains always go about getting them the wrong way. Hook: I'm gonna need your help. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Ursula is back from stealing the squid ink from her father, and she meets Hook on the deck of his ship, holding it out for him) Hook: I trust that you didn't run into any trouble. Ursula: Nothing I couldn't handle. Hook: I've waited a century for this. I couldn't have done this without your help, Ursula. So, tell me, where do you want to go to first? Poseidon: (He has arrived on the ship without either of them noticing) You're not taking her anywhere. Hook: (Sees his men draw their swords ready to fight) Stand down, men. This is between me and the sea king. Ursula: No! It's about me. Hook told me what you asked him to do. You were trying to take away the only thing I have left of mother. Poseidon: So I wouldn't lose you the way I lost her. You may have fooled my daughter, but I know exactly what you are. You only care about one thing... your vengeance. (He uses his trident to take back the squid ink) Now you'll never get it. Hook: (Angry) You have no idea what you've just done. (Attempts to draw his sword to strike Poseidon, but gets frozen) Poseidon: You dare attack a deity? Hook: I don't have to kill you to make you suffer. I know I'm not the only one consumed by vengeance. (He suddenly turns to Ursula and holds the shell out, it beginning to take away her voice) Ursula: No! (Her voice leaves her and enters the shell) Hook: (Momentarily looks guilty before turning back to Poseidon) Now you'll never sink another ship with this. Ursula: (Hoarsely) How could you? You said you had a code. You said you'd never steal my voice. Hook: That was before your father destroyed my one chance at revenge. Ursula: My father is a tyrant, but you're no better. Keep it. If this is what humans are like, no one deserves to hear it. (She takes off the cuff and jumps off the side of the ship) Poseidon: Ursula! (He turns to face Hook) Give me the shell. Hook: And give you the satisfaction of returning it to her? Now go. Before I destroy it and everything you hold dear. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (August is fully back to normal now, the potion having finally worn off. Cruella is sitting in an arm chair watching him) Cruella de Vil: Thank heavens that potion was only temporary. The scruff is so much more attractive than the timber. Emma: (Kicks open the door and enters the cabin) I'm here for my friend. Cruella de Vil: So, the saviour found us, did she? Now leave. (She pulls out her gun and points it at Emma) Emma: (Raises her hands, ready to perform magic) Mary Margaret: (She is there first and knocks Cruella out by hitting her over the head with a frying pan, and Cruella falls to the floor unconscious) Emma: Nice one, mom. Mary Margaret: Well, first thing you learn as a bandit... back door's usually unlocked. Emma: (Turns to August and places her hand on his shoulder) August, are you okay? Did they hurt you? August: I'll survive. Emma: (Uses her magic to un-tie the ropes around his legs) August: Oh. Well, I see somebody's been practicing. Emma: Well, I seem to remember someone telling me I just needed to believe in myself. August: I always knew you'd figure it out. Emma: (Kneels down in front of him) It's good to have you back, even if it isn't the way things were supposed to be. I'm glad I didn't have to wait 20 years to see you as you again. August: (Chuckles) Me too. Emma: Come on. Let's get you out of here. (Stands up) Ursula: (Enters the cabin and stops her) No one is going anywhere. Emma: (Looks around for Hook and a worried expression crosses her face) Where the hell is Hook? What'd you do to him? Ursula: Sorry, sweetheart. Your boyfriend is shark bait. Emma: (Raises her hands to strike Ursula with magic) Ursula: (Uses her tentacles to start strangling Mary Margaret) Oh! Drop those hands, or your mother here's gonna need gills to breathe. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Somewhere at sea ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Ursula is sitting alone in the same place as before, only this time not singing. Poseidon arrives) Poseidon: I'm sorry, Ursula. But I had to. Ursula: Don't you understand? My singing was the only thing keeping mother's spirit alive, and now she's gone forever. You wanted me to choose a side. Well, father, I'm choosing one... mine! (She reaches out and grabs his trident, pointing it at her) Poseidon: (Puts his hands up in a surrendering motion) Ursula, don't! Ursula: All you ever wanted was for me to remain your precious, little mermaid. Well, I'm not gonna be that anymore. In fact, I'm not gonna be a mermaid at all. You named me Ursula after the sea goddess of old. Legend says she was strong and powerful. Well, that's exactly what I want to be. Poseidon: Ursula, wait! Ursula: (She points his trident at her tail and moments later, eight tentacles appear) Now I'm even more powerful than you. And the whole sea will be at the mercy of my every whim. You don't need to protect me, father. You need to fear me. [Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (They are all still in Gold's cabin. Mary Margaret is still be strangled by Ursula's tentacle, and Emma, David and August can only watch on) Emma: Ursula, you don't need to do this. Ursula: That's where you're wrong. I can't have him leave with you. Not when The Author is the only one who can give me what I want. Hook: (He enters the cabin, looking healthy) That's not true. Emma: (Sighs with relief) Ursula: How are you still breathing? Hook: (Walks further into the cabin and stands beside Emma, who puts her hand on his arm) I'm good at surviving. Or you're bad at killing. Either way, you don't need the author to get what you want. I know why you couldn't release your voice from that shell. Only the one who enchanted it can do that. Ursula: Wait. You don't mean... Hook: (Nods) Aye. Poseidon: (Walks into the cabin) Ursula: Father? Poseidon: Ursula. Ursula: (Gasps) How are you here in this land? Poseidon: A young mermaid found me and brought me through a portal. I need to say something. I'm sorry, Ursula. I never should have forced you to use your voice as a weapon. It was just... Every time I heard you sing, I heard your mother, and it was too painful. I let that pain fuel my desire for vengeance, but it shouldn't have. It should have reminded me that I still had a piece of her... you. Let me return your voice so I can hear it one last time. (He opens his palm, and the shell is there) Ursula: (Her voice travels towards her and she starts vocalizing. Moments later, her voice is back) Poseidon: (Sighs) Now that you are whole again, I'll leave you in peace. Ursula: Wait. My voice is all we have left of mother. You took it from me once. I don't want to do the same thing to you. Poseidon: What are you saying? Ursula: I've missed you. (Hugs Poseidon) Emma: (Now has her hand on Hook's chest and his arm is around her. She smiles up at him as he helped return Ursula's happy ending) Poseidon: I've missed you, too. Mary Margaret: (She notices that Cruella is gone) Where's Cruella? David: Uh, she must have slipped away, most likely to warn Gold. We should clear out before they get back. Ursula: (She silently thanks Hook again before leaving with Poseidon) Emma: (To August) Are you okay? August: I'm okay. (He is helped out the cabin by Mary Margaret and David) Emma: (Knows that something is bothering Hook) Hook, what's wrong? You gave Ursula everything she wanted. Hook: But I almost didn't, love. I was so desperate to figure out what the Crocodile was up to, I almost became the man I used to be. You have no idea how easy it is to fall back into the darkness. Emma: (Moves closer to him) Whatever mistakes you made with Ursula, you fixed. Hook: Aye. But it's a stark reminder of something. Emma: What? Hook: With all this talk of authors and the book, we've never discussed one fact... I was a villain. Emma: But you're not anymore. Hook: Neither is Regina, but she still lost her happy ending. If we're to believe the rules of the book, then it's only a matter of time before I lose mine. Emma: Wait. If you're afraid of losing your happy ending, that means you found it. What is it? Hook: Don't you know, Emma? It's you. Emma: (She tears up at his words, and continues to look at him for a few moments, before leaning into kiss him. A lone tear makes its way down her cheek. She's happy crying) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina, Mr Gold and Maleficent are walking back towards the cabin, after having an unsuccessful search at the Apprentice's mansion for the door) Regina: Well, that was a royal waste of time. Mr Gold: The door may not be in the sorcerer's mansion, but it's somewhere in Storybrooke. We will find it. Cruella de Vil: (Screeches to a stop in front of them in her car) Mr Gold: (Surprised to see her) What are you doing here? Where's August? Cruella de Vil: They rescued him... the heroes. Mr Gold: You had one simple task. Cruella de Vil: It wasn't my fault! We have a mole. Maleficent: (Looks at Regina) Who would be foolish enough to cross us? Cruella de Vil: I know exactly who. Ursula. She sold us out for a reunion with daddy dearest. Mr Gold: All right. We may have lost our informant, but we still have his information. (Turns to face Regina) Bring us the illustration of the door. Maybe there's something in it the puppet missed. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (It's night now, and Hook, Ursula and Poseidon are at the docks) Hook: I suppose this is farewell. Ursula: It is, but first, I have to hold up my end of the deal. (Ursula nods at Poseidon, before he leaves them on the dock) Gold's plan... I'm afraid it involves Emma. She's the only way he can secure happy endings for the villains. Hook: Well, I thought he was gonna get The Author to rewrite everyone's stories. Ursula: It's not that simple. The Author can't just change things in this world because he didn't give everyone their happy endings here. Hook: Emma did. Ursula: She's the savior. And as long as there's a savior, The Author can't give the villains what they really want. And the Dark One knows this. Hook: The Dark One's gonna try to kill Emma? Ursula: Worse... he plans to fill her heart with darkness forever. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is making a hot drink in the kitchen in the Blanchard apartment when Regina enters. Henry is looking through the book, and August is asleep on the couch) Regina: (Sighs and walks up to Emma) We're lucky he's okay. Emma: It wasn't luck. You got us that message. Thank you. Regina: I need your help with something. Emma: What is it? Regina: I had a dream today... Robin Hood came back, we were finally together, but then, I... The Evil Queen... showed up with a fireball in her hand. Emma: I may not be Archie, but it sounds like you're afraid of the villain you used to be and the one you might become again. Regina: No, I don't think that's it. In my dream, I don't think the Evil Queen was there to hurt Robin. I think she was there to protect him. Emma: From what? Regina: I don't know. I just... Felt it. You used to track people for a living. Can you get me a phone number, a way to contact him, anything? Emma: Yeah. Yeah, I can do that. Henry: Mom! Emma: (Brings August the hot drink) August: (Is awake now and doesn't look happy to see Regina and he is also looks surprised) What is she doing here? Emma: Oh, it's okay. I promise. Regina: (Sighs) August... We need to talk about how I'm going to keep up my cover with Gold. The only reason I was able to come here... is because they think I'm stealing this page. We didn't find the door at the sorcerer's mansion. August: That's because it's not there. Henry: What? Regina: But... You said you didn't know where it was. And your nose didn't grow. August: My nose didn't grow because I wasn't lying. When Gold asked me, I didn't know where the door was because I didn't know where Henry was keeping this page. Regina... (Points at the page) This isn't just an illustration. This is the door. The Author is trapped inside the book.
Plan: A: Gold; Q: Who tells Maleficent that her daughter is alive? A: Maleficent; Q: Who uses a sleeping spell on Storybrooke? A: the page; Q: What does Henry have that contains the key to unlock the Author's door? A: a deal; Q: What does Maleficent use the Author as? A: a way; Q: What must Mary Margaret and David find to stop the Queens of Darkness? A: her fate; Q: What does Emma not want to know? A: the duplicate; Q: What does Henry give to Regina? A: a double agent; Q: What is Regina found out to be by the Villains? A: the Enchanted Forest; Q: Where did Snow White and Prince Charming meet the Peddler? A: the Peddler; Q: Who leads Snow White and Prince Charming to the Apprentice? A: any potential darkness; Q: What does the Peddler want to rid from Snow White and Prince Charming's unborn child? A: The task; Q: What becomes one of regret when the Sorcerer and the Apprentice send Maleficent's unborn daughter into the modern world? A: regret; Q: What emotion is felt when the Sorcerer and the Apprentice send Cruella and Ursula into the modern world? A: the modern world; Q: Where was Cruella sent to? A: the truth; Q: What do David and Mary Margaret tell Emma about their mistake? A: August; Q: Who reveals to Emma and Hook that there are more than one Author? A: Hook; Q: Who is the other person who finds out that there are more than one Author? A: the heroes; Q: Who sets the Author free? A: Lily; Q: What is the name of Cruella's daughter? Summary: As Gold and the Queens of Darkness seek out the Author, Maleficent uses a sleeping spell on Storybrooke so they can find the page containing the Author and uses it as a deal with Gold to find her daughter. At the same time Mary Margaret and David must find a way to stop them in order to keep Emma from finding out about her fate. Henry, who has the page, finds the key to unlock the Author's door. He gives the duplicate to Regina, but Regina is quickly found out to be a double agent by the Villains. Back in time in the Enchanted Forest, Snow White and Prince Charming encounter the Peddler, who then leads them to the Apprentice in an effort to rid any potential darkness from their unborn child. The task becomes one of regret when the Sorcerer and the Apprentice send Maleficent's unborn daughter, Cruella, and Ursula, into the modern world. In modern day, David and Mary Margaret tell Emma the truth about their mistake and August reveals to Emma and Hook that there are more than one Author. When the Author is set free by the heroes, he runs. Gold tells Maleficent that her daughter is alive, revealing that she was sent to the modern world, and named Lily.
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [EXT. LAS VEGAS DESERT (STOCK) - NIGHT] [EXT. LAS VEGAS DESERT HIGHWAY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE BUS - NIGHT] (GWEN MURRAY sits behind the driver, MARTIN DRAPER, talking to him.) Gwen Murray: (black woman) So, what do you think? Come on, I earned this vacation. You ever been married? When it's good, it's great. When it's over, it's even better, hmm? Man (light tan suit & tie): I'm telling you, the seven comes up every six rolls. I've got a system. Man (dark brown jacket): You know what the casinos say about guys with systems? Man (light tan suit & tie): What? Man (dark brown jacket): Welcome. Heavy-set Man: He doesn't know what he's talking about. Everything you need to know about craps is right in this book. Woman (in red): I was talking to Shirley -- she said the only way to make money in that town is slots. (Cut to the "Mojave Express" bus driving on the roadway.) (Cut back to inside the bus where a kid is listening to rock music on his walk-man.) Walter: (old white haired man): I'm up 1,500. Old Woman (red-haired): That's nice, dear. Oh, now. I've found the pictures. Now look at this. (The young women around her gasp when they see the pictures.) Blonde-haired Woman: Oh, look at him. Old Woman (red-haired): He's just learning how to walk. Here's another one with his sister. (Camera cut back to the photo album and a picture of two blonde-haired children.) Old Woman (red-haired): Oh, there it is. Tracy Logan: (dark-haired young woman): You have a beautiful family. Old Woman (red-haired): Thank you. Walter: We've been blessed. Old Woman (red-haired): Yes, we sure have been blessed. (Couple necking at the back of the bus. Dark-haired, bearded man comes out of the lavatory and makes his way to the front of the bus.) Martin Draper: (driver) Well, folks, we just hit mountain pass. (CALVIN McBRIDE, the man drinking, walks up the aisle. He bumps into the young blonde-haired woman. She looks up at him annoyed.) Martin Draper: (driver): (o.s.) Means we're about 40 miles outside of Vegas. Some of you are going to be driving back with me. (The camera continues to follow the drinking man as he continues up to the front of the bus.) Martin Draper: (driver): Some of you are going to be flying back with all the money you're going to win. In any case you just sit back, relax, we'll see if we can't get you there ahead of schedule. (The drinking man makes it to his seat. He sits down and puts his earphones on. The driver puts the hand-held mike away. The drinking man takes a drink of the bottle in the paper package. He looks across the aisle at the driver.) Calvin McBride: (drinker) Hey. Want a nip? (The driver looks at the man, he smiles and shakes his head, no.) Martin Draper: (driver): No, I know my limits. (The driver continues to drive. The man watches him. The driver steps on the gas and the bus increases speed. The odometer reads 65 mph. 70 mph.) (The bus starts to shake. The driver holds on to the bus. He looks down at the odometer which reads 75+ MPH. The steering wheel shakes some more. The passengers look up at the driver as they notice that something's wrong.) (Cut to the outside of the bus with the camera on the tires.) (Cut to a long angle of the bus as the wheel pops and the bus swerves out of control.) (Cut to inside the bus with the passengers screaming.) (The bus turns as the driver struggles to regain control of the bus.) (The passengers scream.) (The bus hits the guard rail and sparks fly.) (The passengers inside the bus are being tossed around.) (The bus continues to drive the guard rail.) (The bus driver hits the brakes trying to stop the bus.) (The bus drives over the side of the road.) FADE TO BLACK: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CRASH SCENE -- NIGHT] (Camera close up of the red road-side flare burning behind the CSIs standing on the edge of the roadway looking down upon the crash site below. Large generators power bright lights as the rescue team works to find any survivors.) (The CSIs stand aside and watch. Down below, a rescue worker instructs the other workers.) Rescue Worker 1: Everybody stand by. We do not touch this car until every victim is off the bus. Rescue Worker 2: Got it. (The CSIs watch as a rescue workers helps an injured man to the make-shift first aide area. A woman sits on the gurney comforting another woman. A rescue worker assists a woman to the aide area. Another rescue worker puts a body bag down among the many already piling up on the side.) (The CSIs continue to stand on the side ... and watch.) Sara: I feel so useless. Catherine: It's still a rescue operation. (Down below a group of rescue workers carry an injured survivor strapped tightly in a basket.) Warrick: We're not running the show. Nick: Yeah. Not yet. (The basket carrying the injured man is being carried and pulled up the hillside. As it passes, the CSIs see that it's a dark-haired young man.) Grissom: They do their job and then we do ours. HARD CUT TO BLACK. END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CRASH SITE -- NIGHT] (The rescue workers are in the bus still removing bodies. They have the old man, WALTER, strapped to a basket and they struggle to get him out of the bus. DAVID PHILLIPS stands just outside the bus' broken window.) Rescue Worker 1: Okay, you got him there? Rescue Worker 2: Yeah David Phillips: Mine are lined up right over there. (DAVID points to somewhere over behind him.) Rescue Worker 1: Yeah. (A second set of rescue workers carry a basket with the old woman strapped in it.) Rescue Worker 2: Let me get under. All right. There we go. Old Woman: Walt? Where's my husband? (calls out) Walter? Walter... (The old woman cries out for her husband as they carry her off in the basket. The camera moves to the side and we now note that the CSIs are down in the crash site area. GRISSOM, SARA, and WARRICK watch as she's carried away.) Grissom: All right, I want everybody thinking worst case scenario. The highway's finally ours. Cones and pictures, skid marks, ice patches, loose asphalt, anything and everything. Warrick: All right. Sara: It's a pretty wide area up there. Are we clear to call in for help? Grissom: Every Las Vegas CSI is on their way here. Warrick: Cadets? Grissom: Call them. (And with that, WARRICK and SARA pick up their kits and head back up the hill to the highway.) (GRISSOM starts walking around. He hears women crying. He sees an old man lying with the other dead bodies as someone puts a tag around his neck. He sees a woman crying over a dead body in a bag.) Woman (over radio): ... 1-25 roger ... (GRISSOM continues to survey the site area. Off in the distance, he sees the survivors being tended to by the medics.) Nick: You the only trauma doc? Trauma Doctor: That's right. Lucky me. I personally black-tagged six. Excuse me. My line of work, that's a bad night. Nick: Yeah, mine, too. (NICK glances over at the large man on the gurney.) That the bus driver over there? Trauma Doctor: Big surprise. The only person on the bus wearing a seat-belt. Nick: Only one on a tour bus required to wear one. Thank you. (GREG appears next to NICK.) Greg: Hey. Got here as soon as I could. Nick: Whoa, what are you doing here, Greg? Greg: All hands on deck. That was the call, right? Crims on the scene. Grissom: Crims with "field training". Greg: (to GRISSOM) Come on. I'm capable. Grissom: (to NICK) He does no collection. (GRISSOM walks away. NICK reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a notepad and pen. He gives it to GREG.) Nick: You're taking my notes. You didn't bring a warmer jacket? Greg: No. (NICK doesn't say anything. He walks away from GREG who has a concerned look on his face. In the background, we hear indistinct voices over the radio.) [SCENE_BREAK] [CONTINUOUS] (LARRY MADDOX talks with BRASS.) Larry Maddox: Listen, I'll, uh ... I'll do anything that I can. I just want to help. Please. Brass: No, sir, just, uh, uh, stick around. Larry Maddox: I'll be right here. Thank you. (BRASS walks away. In the distance, CATHERINE makes her way toward BRASS.) Brass: Hey. Uh, Larry Maddox. Owns the bus company. Catherine: Got here quick. That should tell you something. Brass: Yeah, he coughed up the passenger manifest including the driver, Martin Draper. Twenty-four passengers, one PAL. Catherine: Parolee-At-Large. Brass: Calvin McBride. Seat one-C. California state pen, two years aggravated assault. He was paroled last week. Catherine: And already over state lines. Brass: It was news to his parole officer. Catherine: I'm sure it was. Brass: You know, my guys are matching names to faces both here and at the hospital. McBride tops the list. I'm going to talk to Maddox. (BRASS walks away leaving CATHERINE standing there.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Back up the highway, SARA, WARRICK and two others search the roadway for evidence.) Sara: Four-point sweep. Warrick: Let's roll. (WARRICK signals and they start walking. As they walk, they mark the evidence with markers.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CRASH SITE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE walks up to GRISSOM who is looking at the tire.) Catherine: Fire department says the driver of the Camaro's dead. Grissom: Yeah, I heard, but I think I know why the bus pulled to the right. Catherine: Now that is a serious blowout. And the front left tire's still intact. Grissom: Newton's third law: "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." Grissom: Tire to rim. Rim to axle. Axle to suspension. Suspension to frame. And the lower radius rod arm ... which connects the axle to the frame. Catherine: Not anymore. (Quick flashback to: View of under the bus as the car tires screech. The rod iron falls and drags along the road. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: So, if the rod arm broke while he was driving ... Catherine: Driver tried to maintain control. Veered to the left. Grissom: But turning the wheel was probably going to make things worse. Catherine: Putting pressure on the right front tire causing it to blow. The ... the bus then veers to the right and goes off the road. Grissom: And we're back to Newton. The Theory's correct if the rod arm was the first action. Catherine: I'm going to go see what's going on with that Camaro. (CATHEIRNE leaves. GRISSOM continues to look at the bus.) [SCENE_BREAK] (CATHERINE walks to the smashed Camaro around the bus #65326. She walks around the camaro looking around. She leans in and sees a male body inside the back seat of the car.) Woman (b.g. on radio): ... 1-41 north ... (As she looks inside, the MAN'S hand reaches up. CATHERINE'S eyes widen with shock that he's still alive. She reaches out and grabs the man's hand.) Catherine: We're going to get you out of here, okay?. Rescue! SHORT TIME CUT TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS RESIDENCE - NIGHT] (The man is on the gurney and is being pushed to the medic area. He's holding on tightly to CATHERINE'S hand.) Catherine: (loudly) Can you tell me your name? (They begin working on the man.) Rescue Worker: Miss, you need to let him go. (The rescue worker pulls the grip apart.) Rescue Worker: Let's go on three. RESCUE WORKER: One, two, three, in. (CATHERINE watches as they put the man in the ambulance and close the doors shut. She stands there and stares at her hands covered with the man's blood.) [SCENE_BREAK] (NICK questions MARTIN DRAPER, the bus driver, while GREG takes notes.) Martin Draper (bus driver): This never happened to me before. The wheel just s-s-sh-shook right out of my hands. Nick: How long after your scheduled stop in Barstow? Martin Draper: We, uh, we-we always stop in Barstow. (He takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes. GREG watches and takes notes.) Martin Draper: Uh, McDonald's the, uh, the train station one. Nick: I understand that, Mr. Draper, but how long after that did the wheel start to shake on you? Martin Draper: (confused) Uh. (shakes his head) I don't, uh ... I don't ... Nick: Sir, are you okay? Martin Draper: (shakes his head) No. We're behind schedule. I got to get back to the bus. (MARTIN DRAPER stands up and puts a hand out on GREG. Both GREG and NICK takes steps forward to catch MARTIN DRAPER.) Nick: Hold on, hold on. Wait a second. Mr. Draper ... (NICK looks at MARTIN DRAPER'S eyes.) Nick: Mr. Draper, have you had anything to drink tonight? (pause) I'm going to do a preliminary field breath test. (to GREG) Keep an eye on Mr. Draper, will you, for me? Mr. Draper, you sit tight. Martin Draper: I, uh, I got to go. (NICK moves aside to get the things.) Nick: Won't take a minute. I understand. I understand. Hang tight. Martin Draper: See, uh, there's people ... Nick: I understand. I want you to take a deep breath, and I want you to blow into the end of this for me, okay? (NICK holds out the breathalizer and puts it toward MARTIN DRAPER'S mouth.) (Martin Draper coughs up blood. He collapses against NICK who catches him and holds him up.) Nick: I need a doctor over here. Greg, get some help. (GREG doesn't move; he's frozen. His eyes are glued to MARTIN DRAPER.) Nick: Greg! (NICK struggles with MARTIN DRAPER who continues to cough. He looks up at GREG.) Nick: Greg! Get some help! (Camera holds on GREG.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HIGHWAY HILLSIDE - NIGHT] (NICK and GREG walk down the hill.) Nick: It's all right, man. Stop apologizing. Greg: Oh, I feel bad. I just froze up. Nick: That's why we have fielding training, Greg. No disrespect, but you're not qualified to be out here. Greg: I guess I just wasn't expecting blood to look like that. Pre-collection, so different. Nick: Yup. I remember my first time in the field. CSI One. Green as could be. Initial call was a robbery. I get there, triple homicide. Blood all over the place, mother and two kids. (NICK puts on his gloves as they reach the bottom of the hill, GREG close behind him.) Greg: How do you deal? Nick: You just do. (GRISSOM is standing hear the front of the overturned bus. He's looking at the passenger list on a clipboard when NICK and GREG join him.) Nick: Okay, what's next? Grissom: Well, we're missing a passenger. The only one unaccounted for is an ex-con named Calvin McBride. According to Brass, he wasn't admitted to the hospital and he's not in any of the body bags. Nick: What about the rest stop in Barstow Grissom: CHP and the Barstow P.D. are looking. (NICK nods.) Greg: Anybody check the bus? (NICK and GRISSOM look at each other.) Nick: I'll find out. (NICK takes off his jacket and walks inside the bus. He pulls out his flashlight and looks around. He sees the embroidery on the floor, blood spattered on it. A row behind that, he sees the magazines. A row behind that, he sees a photo album. He also sees a lot of blood on the bus.) (Cut to: GRISSOM and GREG as they wait outside.) Grissom: Firefighters only look in the obvious spots. Greg: Just out of curiosity, what are the unobvious spots? Grissom: For bodies? Greg: Yeah. Grissom: Walls, hot water heaters stuffed in the box spring of a hotel room bed. (adds) I found a head in a bucket of paint once. Greg: I get the picture. (Cut to: Inside the overturned bus, NICK checks out the lavatory. GRISSOM peers in and calls out to NICK.) Grissom: What do you see? Nick: Well ... McBride's not on the bus. (NICK makes his way back to the front of the bus. He finds a paper package with the broken bottle of liquor inside.) (Quick CGI POV of: The camera slowly zooms into the package and to the bottom of the broken bottle inside. End of CGI POV.) Nick: Hey, Grissom. Cheap whiskey. Broken bottle. Brown paper bag. You know, I never gave the bus driver a breath test. (GRISSOM holds out a bag to GREG.) Grissom: Greg, bag this, take it to the lab, swab the rim for DNA. (Automatically, GREG takes the evidence bag. He opens it and NICK puts the paper bag into it.) Grissom: (to GREG) You should be wearing gloves. Greg: Sorry. (GREG seals the evidence bag and leaves. GRISSOM looks down at the passenger list.) Grissom: This guy was in 1C. (GRISSOM and NICK both look at the seat.) Nick: Seat 1C was the only seat with an unobstructed path through the windshield. (GRISSOM looks at the windshield. The windshield opposite the driver's side is completely missing. He turns around and checks the ground.) Grissom: Where's the other half of this windshield? (GRISSOM turns around and starts searching the area for the windshield. NICK walks out of the bus. They both look around for the windshield. They find it with an impact crack and blood on it.) Nick: Laminated safety glass, pops in, pops out. (They walk further and find CALVIN McBRIDE.) Nick: Hello, Mr. McBride. Grissom: I'm afraid our ex-con just got the death penalty. FLASH TO WHITE: [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] FLASH TO WHITE: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT] (CATHERINE is at the nurse's station trying to get information about the Camaro driver.) Catherine: He's one of the victims in the bus crash. He was in the Camaro. He was driving the Camaro. (CATHERINE turns and sees them wheeling the Camaro driver into the ER on a gurney. She heads toward them.) Catherine: Excuse me. ER Doctor: (shakes his head) Ma'am, not now. Catherine: Catherine Willows with the Las Vegas Crime Lab. This will just take a second. Can you tell me your name? Eric Kevlin: Eric. Catherine: Eric? Eric Kevlin: I just wanted to surprise her. That's all. If I don't make it, please tell her I'm sorry. ER Doctor: Ma'am, this is the operating room. You need to leave. (The ER DOCTOR stops CATHERINE. They wheel ERIC into the OR and leave CATHERINE out in the hallway.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CRASH SITE - DAY] (GRISSOM instructs two men from DETAIL on what he wants taken back to the lab. The two men study the overturned bus.) Grissom: I need the two front wheels, axle, suspension, all of it. The whole front undercarriage. Detail: You got it. (GRISSOM turns around and sees a woman pacing the dirt road aimlessly. She has her arm in a sling. GRISSOM walks up to her.) Grissom: Excuse me, miss. This is a crime scene. It's off limits. Woman: (short blk hair) (dazed) I know. I was, uh, I was on the bus. Grissom: Why are you here? Woman: I don't ... I don't know. (She starts to cry.) I'm sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Up on the highway, SARA walks the road looking at the rubber from the bus tire scattered along the road. WARRICK kneels down next to the guardrail taking pictures of the marks.) (SARA kneels down and picks up a piece of rubber (evidence marker #41) and looks at it.) (She sighs.) Sara: Shreds of rubber everywhere. Between the crash, and all the other interstate traffic it might as well be the Indy 500. This stuff could be from any vehicle. Warrick: There's no doubt that this bus body-checked this k-rail. (SARA bags the piece of rubber she's holding and walks along the road looking at the tire treadmarks. She stops and kneels.) (She pulls off her glasses and visualizes the buss and camaro coming down the road.) (She turns to look at WARRICK walking toward her and still she visualizes the bus as it sideswipes the guardrail and heads straight for her and off the road, tires squealing.) (Cut to: WARRICK follows the treadmarks and takes pictures along the way. He lifts his head from the camera and looks at SARA who is still deep in thought about the bus.) Warrick: You've got that "Sara" look. Sara: You mean that "Grissom" look? (WARRICK walks between the bus skid marks. Sara points.) Second set of skid marks. Camaro. (SARA stands.) Warrick: I got a theory. Grissom said the suspension gave on the bus, right? Broken rod arm. (SARA walks toward WARRICK, her eyes on the skid marks.) Warrick: Well, I'm thinking when that rod arm hit the pavement it made this great first impression here. (Quick flashback to: Under the bus view of the rod arm dragging on the road. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: If this is the bus ... the bus begins to slide right. Driver overcorrects. (Quick flashback to: On the road, the bus swerves to the left, the bus turns right. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: Crosses the highway slams into the k-rail. (Quick flashback to: On the road, the bus hits the guardrail, sparks fly. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: Meanwhile the Camaro's holding steady in the right lane heading straight for us. Warrick: Bus bounces off this k-rail ... (Quick flashback to: On the road, the bus heads away from the guard rail. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: ... heads back towards us. Sara: Taking out anything in its path. (Quick flashback to: On the road, the bus crosses lanes and into the Camaro. Both go off the highway. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: Bus crosses four lanes of traffic and only takes out the car behind it? Warrick: Yeah. Someone upstairs was looking out big-time. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY / DNA LAB] (GRISSOM walks through the hallway. In the DNA Lab, GREG sees GRISSOM and comes out of the lab to intercept him.) Greg: Hey, boss. I had a feeling you were coming. I ran the DNA on that whiskey bottle. You'll never guess. It's not the bus driver but I do have an answer behind door number two. Seat number 1C. (He hands GRISSOM the results.) Calvin McBride. He's an ex-con. Found his DNA in CODIS. (GRISSOM looks at the results.) Grissom: Good, Greg. Did you enjoy being in the field? Greg: (warily) You heard about it, too? (GRISSOM looks at GREG, puzzled.) Grissom: What? Greg: That I ... messed up. Grissom: No. Greg: (nods) Well, then ... I enjoyed it fine. (GREG returns to his lab. GRISSOM watches him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY] (ROBBINS goes over his findings for MARTIN DRAPER, the bus driver, with NICK.) Nick: You're telling me this guy wasn't intoxicated. Robbins: Not a drop of ethanol in his system not even from cough syrup. Nick: He could barely put a sentence together. If he wasn't drunk, then what was he? Robbins: My guess, hungry. Driver's medical eval taken just last month. Martin Draper, 40. (ROBBINS hands NICK the clipboard.) Overweight. One of 15 million people in this country suffering from Type II Diabetes. Nick: On any medication? Robbins: Primary course of treatment would have been exercise and weight loss to lower blood sugar. Nick: Doesn't look like he was hitting the gym. Robbins: But he was dieting. (GRISSOM walks into the room.) Robbins: Crash dieting. Didn't find any food in his stomach. Means he hadn't eaten anything in at least six hours. An empty stomach invites hypoglycemia. Grissom: Symptoms of which can mirror intoxication. Robbins: And in extreme cases? Grissom: Loss of consciousness and seizure. Do I pass? Robbins: Cum Laude. Grissom: Cause of death? Robbins: Just what you'd expect. Massive injuries, internal bleeding. Nick: So, it's not the driver ... Grissom: We're looking at the bus. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY] (WARRICK kneels down and places evidence marker #11 on the road next to a bolt he finds near the guard rail. He takes a picture of it.) (He picks up the bolt and stands up. He looks at the tip and walks over to SARA.) Warrick: Check this out. (She shows SARA the bolt.) Sara: A bolt? Nice. I got twenty of them. Warrick: Well, this one's sheared. (SARA looks at the bolt again.) Sara: It is, isn't it? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB] (SARA and WARRICK are in the lab running a test on the bolt found on the road. WARRICK puts the bolt in the machine. He starts running the test.) [READINGS ON MONITOR: [ MEAS HRC CONV 67 HRA APPROX 123 KSI CYL OFF ] (Camera zooms in on the bolt.) [NEW READINGS ON MONITOR: [ MEAS 25.37 HRC REMOVE PART APPROX 123 KSI CYL OFF ] (The machine finishes the test. WARRICK and SARA look at the results then turn to look at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE ] (NICK walks in with a fax.) Nick: Bus company just faxed over a maintenance report. Bus was in perfect working order. Serviced last week. Grissom: Does this look like it's in perfect working order? (NICK looks down at the parts GRISSOM has on the garage floor. SARA and WARRICK walk into the garage.) Nick: Uh ... no. Grissom: What'd you get? Warrick: Three-quarter inch bolt. It matches the bolt on the specs for this suspension system. The hex head says it's a grade eight. (WARRICK hands the baggied bolt to GRISSOM. He looks at it and notices the sheared end.) Grissom: Snapped in half? Sara: Bolts are graded according to their hardness. The higher the grade, the stronger the steel. Nick: A grade eight bolt shouldn't snap like a toothpick. Grissom: Did you do a Rockwell hardness test? Nick: Yeah, I hit it with the tru-blue. It's not a grade eight. It's a grade five. (GRISSOM look at the three bolts lined up on the parts on the floor. He picks on of the three bolts up and holds it up.) Grissom: Often when there's one ... there's another one. Sara: Bus company was using bogus bolts. Grissom: Inferior bolts would cause the suspension to give the bus veers off the road. If the sheared bolts were the first action. Warrick: No, the bolts snapped midway through the skid after the bus hit the k-rail. Grissom: Proof? Sara: The gouge in the road. (GRISSOM looks at the rod arm.) Grissom: Broken rod arm, maybe? Nick: Okay. Driver hits the brakes, initiates the skid. (Quick flashback to: On the road, camera close up of the bus tire in skid. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: Why'd he hit the brakes? Nick: Another vehicle. Sara: Nope, only two sets of fresh skid marks on that stretch of highway. Warrick: And the Camaro's skid marks place it behind the bus. Grissom: So I ask again -- why'd he hit the brakes? (NICK chuckles.) Nick: Man, there could be a million reasons. Grissom: Well, fortunately, we're just looking for one. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM / HALLWAY - DAY] (CATHERINE is sitting in the waiting room reading a file. BRASS turns the corner and walks toward her. CATHERINE sees BRASS and stands up.) Brass: The kid in the Camaro didn't make it. Catherine: Eric Kevlin, 32. He was a resident at the UCLA Med Center. He was on his way to Vegas to surprise his girlfriend. Brass: Only to end up pinned under a bus. Catherine: But he's rescued. Given a second chance on life. and, uh ... he signs this. (CATHERINE hands BRASS a form. It reads: ) [EMERGENCY MEDICAL SERVICES PREHOSPITAL DO NOT RESUSCITATE (DNR) FORM An Advance Request to Limit the Scope of Emergency Medical ... (print patient's name) ERIC KEVLIN, request limited emergency ... ... DNR means that if my heart stops beating or if I stop breathing, m ... ... or heart functioning will be instituted. ... will not prevent me from obtaining other emergency ... ... personnel and/or medical care directed ... ] Catherine: It's a pre-op DNR. Brass: "Do not resuscitate"? It doesn't make sense for a young person. Why refuse CPR? (CATHERINE shakes her head.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MOJAVE EXPRESS - GARAGE - DAY] (WARRICK and GRISSOM talk with LARRY MADDOX.) Larry Maddox: Our company has an excellent safety record. Warrick: Until last night. Larry Maddox: Look, you own an airline or a bus company -- any transport business -- accidents are inevitable. Grissom: Criminal acts, however, are another matter. Larry Maddox: Wait a minute. I've got a family. Sometimes they ride my buses. I don't take a chance with their lives or anybody else's. I screen all my drivers. Zero tolerance for drugs or alcohol. I keep strict maintenance records. Vehicle inspection every 45 days as required by law. You're not going to find anything criminal here. (GRISSOM show LARRY MADDOX the bolt.) Grissom: I believe this belongs to you. (LARRY MADDOX looks at the bolt carefully.) Larry Maddox: Bolt, grade eight. Sheared. It doesn't happen. Grissom: The front suspension was riddled with these. Warrick: We have more questions about the accident but one thing we know: the suspension didn't hold. Larry Maddox: I buy all my spare parts from reputable companies. Warrick: We only care about the bolts. Larry Maddox: Brillway Bolt Company. (thinks again) I just switched; they were low bid. Warrick: The consequences of saving a buck. Grissom: I think maybe it's time for another inspection. Larry Maddox: (nods) I'll ground the fleet. (LARRY MADDOX steps away from them.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB] (SARA is in the lab with a piece of the tire found on the road. She holds it up against the tire sample on the monitor. She puts the piece in a large plastic container marked: "MATCH TO BUS". On the table, there's a second large plastic container marked: NO MATCH TO BUS".) (SARA picks up a second piece of tire and compares it to the computer monitor. It's not a match. She puts it in the second plastic container.) (She picks up a third piece of rubber and continues to compare it to the monitor.) (Dissolve to: SARA continues to separate the rubber pieces. She's halfway through.) (Dissolve to: SARA continues to separate the rubber pieces. She's almost through.) (Dissolve to: SARA finishes and pushes the large container with the NO MATCHES to the side. She puts the other bin in front of her and takes a seat. She picks up a piece of rubber and examines it closely.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. GAS STATION -- DAY] (BRASS questions various people at the GAS STATION.) Brass: I get it. It's busy here in Barstow. But you do remember the bus? Gas Station Attendant (man): Yeah, I knew the driver. Marty. Always fill him up on the return trip. SHORT TIME CUT TO: Woman: I remember this one guy kept checking me out. Bought a lot of turkey jerky. Oh, and this one couple was having a fight. Brass: Did, uh, did they come off the bus? Woman: I don't know. Brass: But you do remember the bus? SHORT TIME CUT TO: Sean: Of course. Mojave Express. Always on time. Ten-minute rest stop, right back on the road. Brass: Did you see a couple arguing? Sean: No. But it was really busy. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB] (SARA picks up a piece of rubber tire and looks at it under a magnifying glass.) [SCOPE VIEW OF THE TIRE] (She finds something unusual on the tire. She takes a swabs of it, marks the box and stands up to leave the lab.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT - CRASH SITE -- DAY] (CATHERINE walks up to NICK who is sitting in the Camero examining the car.) Catherine: Hey, Nick. We making any progress? Nick: Just this jacket so far. Passenger seat. And you? Catherine: We checked Kevlin's property at the hospital. There's no wallet. Nick: Guy drives from L.A. Four and a half hours -- I got an idea. (NICK reaches behind him and tries to open the middle seat divider. He grunts with the effort.) Nick: Hand me that, uh, crowbar there, please. (CATHERINE hands NICK the crowbar.) Nick: Thank you. (NICK opens the middle seat divider and pulls out a black leather wallet.) Nick: Ha. Bingo. (He hands it to CATHERINE.) I always take mine out. Pain in the ass. Catherine: Literally. (CATHERINE checks the driver's license.) [CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE V833255 EXPIRES 12-15-02 ERIC KEVLIN 2440 GREENWOOD AVE LOS ANGELES, CA 90019 s*x: M / HAIR: BRN / EYES: GRN HT: 6'0" / WT: 185 / DOB: 01-05-74] Catherine: Yeah, that's him. Nick: Yeah. (CATHERINE looks at the photos in the wallet. ) Catherine: Nice-looking girl. (NICK takes a look at the pictures and recognizes the girl.) Nick: Wait. I've seen her. (Quick flashback to: On the night of the crash, a woman in a neckbrace is carried off in a gurney. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: Yeah. Yeah, I've seen her. She was in the accident. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL ROOM -- DAY] (CATHERINE and NICK question TRACEY LOGAN at the hospital.) Catherine: He said he wanted to surprise you. Tracy Logan: He did. In Barstow at the rest stop. It was supposed to be a girls' weekend. (Quick flashback to: At the rest stop, ERIC KEVLIN meets up with TRACEY LOGAN just outside the bus.) Eric Kevlin: Come back to L.A. with me, huh? Tracy Logan: No! This is my weekend. If this is going to work, I need my space. Eric Kevlin: I don't want to lose you. Tracy Logan: Then go back home. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Tracy Logan: I saw him pull out. Drive off. Nick: Well, he didn't drive back to L.A. Tracy Logan: (shakes her head) I wish I hadn't yelled at him. Catherine: Is there any reason why Eric, in a medical crisis would refuse resuscitation? Tracy Logan: What are you talking about? Nick: He consented to lifesaving surgery, but ... signed a DNR. (She closes her eyes and shakes her head.) Tracy Logan: Oh, god. (explains) It's because he was a doctor. He saw it every day. People hooked up to machines waiting to die. He swore he wouldn't let anyone he loved go through that. And if his life was at stake, he wanted to make the hard decision so no one else would have to. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- A/V LAB] (GRISSOM is in the lab looking at the tire skidmarks on the monitor. He works on trying to find what's underneath.) (After several passes, he finds the grooves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB - DAY] (SARA paces the floor as she waits for her results. GREG watches her.) Greg: I thought I told you I'd page you with the results. Sara: I know. I want to wait. (SARA continues to pace. She stops and looks at GREG.) Sara: Greg? You're really good at what you do. (GREG stops and is about to say something, but doesn't. The results are printed. SARA picks it up and looks at it.) Sara: Sabotage. (SARA walks out of the lab.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM is back in the garage surrounded by bus parts. He picks up a part and sighs. SARA enters the garage.) Sara: Grissom. Grissom: I finally know the first action. What initiated the skid? The right front tire started to come apart. When it blew, it left an indentation in the pavement. (Quick flashback to: Camera close up of the tire rim on the asphalt. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: I didn't see it. Grissom: You and me both. The Treads from the right rear tire obscured it. (Quick flashback to: Camera close up of the bus tires skidding over the grooves in the asphalt. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: So, the driver overcorrects but since there's no more tire, all that force is displaced on the suspension system. The bolt snaps, the rod arm breaks and the bus broadsides the camaro. (Quick flashback to: The bus hits the Camaro and both vehicles go over the edge of the highway. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: But why did the tire come apart in the first place? Grissom: I don't know. Sara: I do. Chloroform. Inside the tire. (SARA hands GRISSOM the test results. He takes it and reads: ) ["No further materials can be found on related subject ... subject and info related to csi labeled "classified ... all relevant database files will continue search and ... State and Federal Institutions yielded similar ... no other agencies have responded at this time Information must go through department with ... Findings: Chloroform Reported by /s/ GREG SANDERS ] Grissom: Newton's Third ... with a twist. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (GRISSOM, SARA, WARRICK and NICK walk through the hallway.) Grissom: Yeah, the front right tire was compromised. Sara: I found chloroform in the interior fragments of the rubber. Warrick: Oh, that's original. What happened to slashing tires? Grissom: It wasn't vandalism. It was an act of premeditation. Nick: Why chloroform? Grissom: Chloroform destroys the elasticity of the rubber. Sooner or later, the air pressure inside the tire causes it to explode. Nick: How much later? Grissom: Well, that's what we're going to find out. We need a treadmill -- a big one. Nick: All right, to do what? Grissom: Exercise a bus. Warrick, tell Larry Maddox it's in his best interest to lend us one of his ... Warrick: Right. Grissom: ... and set it up in the empty police warehouse next door. Sara? Sara: Yeah, I'll be at trace. They're going to love this. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM walks into the lab. BRASS and CATHERINE are already there.) Catherine: Chloroform in the tire? Grissom: Yeah. Weird, huh? So, where are we? Brass: Body count jumped to nine dead. (BRASS holds up a small photo of a blond-haired woman.) Brass: Sabrina Wright, law student, 7-B. (He tosses the photo on two other photos on the table. Underneath is a list of people with "DEAD" written in red at the top.) Brass: Pronounced an hour ago. Catherine: 23 passengers, plus the driver. (On the table in front of them is a picture schematic of the bus seating and a list of names.) [ PARTIAL LIST OF BUS SEATS: MARTIN DRAPER / DRIVER GWEN MURRAY 1B JORDAN YOUNG 2B NICK VALPO 3B JACK FORBES 4A MEL BENNETT 5A EMPTY SEATS - ROW 6 KIMBERLY FRAM 7A SABRINA WRIGHT 7B NANCY WHITING 8A TRACEY LOGAN 8B CARRIE SHELTON 9A ] Catherine: Whoever tampered with that tire was playing Russian roulette with people's lives. Grissom: Or maybe one of them was a target. Brass: Hmm .... Gwen Murray, 1-B ... was unemployed, but was clearing a bundle in alimony. Also got the porsche and the vacation home. (Quick flashback/fade over to teaser with GWEN MURRAY smiling and talking with the driver, MARTIN DRAPER. End of flashback/fade over. Resume to present.) Brass: Michael Goodman, 10-C was picked up a couple times by vice for making fake IDs. (Quick flashback/fade over to teaser with MICHAEL GOODMAN reading a book and eating something. End of flashback/fade over. Resume to GRISSOM.) (Quick flashback/fade over to teaser with RYAN HYDE smiling and talking with the person sitting across the aisle. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brass: Ryan Hyde, a Money Manager in 4-C, filed bankruptcy last year but carried a hefty life insurance policy. I mean, I could go on. Catherine: Right. You look hard enough everybody's got a skeleton. (GRISSOM picks up a photo of TRACEY LOGAN off of the table and shows it to CATHERINE.) Grissom: What was her skeleton? Catherine: Tracey Logan? Seat 8-B? Her boyfriend was Eric Kevlin, the camaro driver. He was a doctor. He followed her from L.A. They had an argument in Barstow. Brass: He didn't want her in Vegas. First step to stopping her is stopping the bus. Grissom: And he has access to chloroform. Brass: Chloroform can be picked up at any chemical supply store. Catherine: Wait a minute. Eric Kevlin was a nervous boyfriend. He wasn't a criminal. Grissom: Still possible. Motive, access, opportunity. Brass: Well, his car should be towed in by now. Catherine: I'll check for residue. (CATHERINE leaves the room.) Grissom: So, who do you like? Brass: The bus company. Larry Maddox -- he talks a good game but, he cheaped-out on his supplies and he's been way too helpful. (GRISSOM nods slightly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB -- DAY] (VINCENT is working when SARA walks in.) Sara: You busy? Vincent: I got three minutes and, uh, five seconds. Sara: Then I have a question for you. Vincent: Bus case? Sara: Uh-huh. Vincent: (without looking up) I heard Sanders broke out of here, fared poorly and disgraced us all. Sara: No, he didn't. (VINCENT looks up at SARA.) Sara: Listen, I-I found chloroform on the inside of a steel-belted radial and I need to know how it got there. (VINCENT puts what he's working on down and stands up to look at SARA.) Vincent: You ever hear the expression "pissing up a rope"? Sara: Not in a scientific context, no. Vincent: Well, I don't know if you can urinate up a rope but you can urinate against a rope and the urine will dribble down. Answer your question? Sara: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE WAREHOUSE -- DAY] (WARRICK leans down next to the bus tires checking his clipboard. GRISSOM walks around the bus toward WARRICK.) Warrick: You know we need to document this for the journal of forensic science, right? Grissom: Is this the twin? Warrick: Yeah, this is the rear trailing tire of the crash bus. It has the same maintenance record as the tire that blew. (SARA gets her supplies and walks toward them.) Sara: Chloroform, glass rod, valve core remover .... (SARA kneels next to the bus tire.) according to Vincent and Trace, it's like pissing down a rope. Warrick: Gravity, huh? (SARA shakes her head at the comparison. She demonstrates how the chloroform was added to the tire.) (Quick CGI POV of: Camera zooms through the valve, follows the glass rod and into the tire where the liquid shoots out. End of CGI POV.) Sara: Reattach the valve ... reinflate the tire ... (The air hisses. SARA finishes up.) Sara: ...and you're done. Minute, minute and a half tops. (SARA puts a hand on the tire rim and pushes herself up. GRISSOM doesn't move.) Grissom: Did you see that? Warrick: Yeah. You used your left hand to prop yourself up. The perp may have done the same. Sara: Ah, yeah, I'm going to go dust that right rim. I'll see you guys. (SARA gets her jacket and turns to leave the warehouse.) Grissom: Okay. "Drive," he said. Just the speed limit. (The bus motor whirls.) (Dissolve to: The bus tires on the treadmill.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY] (SARA dusts the tire rim. She finds a hand print.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB - DAY] (SARA runs the print through the database and finds a match. [MATCH FOUND: NOLAN, SEAN DOCKET#: 09273-4972-54 City: Las Vegas DMV INFORMATION: ON RECORD Case#: 23574 ] (SARA clicks on the "DMV INFO" button. The following screen and information pops up: ) [Searched DL DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES, NV IDENTIFICATION INFORMAITON ON FILE NAME: SEAN NOLAN DOB: 10/2... ADDRESS: 41733 CALLE MATRIA LAS VEGAS, NV 89233 REMARK / OTHER: Class B license with passenger endorsement Report Date: 3/12/02 # on right corner: 187362733-320 **DRIVING RECORD HISTORY ** TYPE -- VIOL / BUS -- CONV / REL -- DESCRIPTION VIOL - 1/02/02 - EXCESSIVE SPEED STATUTE: VC DOC#: 15627-20 VEH LIC #: 0476362793 CT LOC: Nevada Officer on Duty: P. Leblane, NHP. VIOL - 2/11/97 - excessive speed STATUTE: VC DOC#: 72850-04 VEH LIC #: 0476362793 CT LOC: Nevada Officer on Duty: M. Sabga, NHP. VIOL - 10/03/91 - BASIC SPEED LAW Staute: VC DOC#: 318274-34 VEH LIC#: 0476362793 CT LOC: Nevada Officer on Duty: D. Denver, NHP. DRIVER RECORD SERVICE REPORT FOR N... AUTHORITY: 13365 ***End of Report*** ] (SARA leans back in her seat satisfied.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE WAREHOUSE - DAY] (The bus on the treadmill continues. TIME READS 01:03:21-25 MPH: 65.0 ) (Camera refocuses. In front of the machine is a chess game between GRISSOM and WARRICK.) (WARRICK'S cell phone rings. He answers it.) Warrick: Warrick. Okay. (pause) Yeah, okay. (pause) I'll be there. (WARRICK hangs up.) Warrick: Sara. She's at the print lab. (beat) She needs me. (GRISSOM looks at WARRICK. WARRICK studies the chess board and moves.) Warrick: Checkmate. (WARRICK stands up and grabs his jacket. He slings it over his shoulder and saunters off, leaving GRISSOM to study the board.) (Cut to: The treadmill machine. TIME reads: 01:03:48-50.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (SARA fills WARRICK in on what she's found.) Sara: Print off the rim maybe he had a work card on file-- a Sean Nolan. Warrick: So, why are you paging me? Sara: I pulled up his DMV records looking for an address. I found one, not recent, but ... he's got a class B license with passenger endorsement. [ADDRESS: 41733 CALLE MATRIA LAS VEGAS, NV 89233 REMARK / OTHER: Class B license with passenger endorsement Report Date: 3/12/02 # on right corner: 187362733-320 ] Warrick: Oh ... so he can drive a vehicle with over ten passengers. Sara: I cross-checked his name with the employee roster from Mojave Express. Warrick: Mm-hmm? Sara: He's a driver. Warrick: Well, I guess I'll grab a uniform and pay Mr. Maddox another visit. (SARA smiles. WARRICK leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE WAREHOUSE -- DAY] (The bus continues to run on the treadmill. NICK and GRISSOM are in the warehouse. GRISSOM looks at the laptop monitor.) Nick: Bus logged into Barstow at 8:03 P.M. Target would be two hours later. Grissom: No, if the tire was tampered with in Barstow it should blow any minute. Nick: If not, it was sabotaged in L.A. And we've got another two hours and 13 minutes. (SARA and CATHERINE enter.) Sara: Hello. (GRISSOM watches the bus and sighs.) (As if on cue, the bus starts to creak and groan. The tire gives out and explodes completely. The motor stops.) Sara: Cool. Grissom: Well, I guess it's Barstow. Catherine: Listen I scanned Eric Kevlin's car and clothing with an ion detector. There was no chloroform. He was clean. Sara: And I got a hit off that print -- a Sean Nolan, employed by Mojave Express. Catherine: Any chance he was in Barstow yesterday? Sara: Uh, his route is ... Vegas/Grand Canyon but I'll call Warrick. He's on his way to the bus company right now. Nick: You know, if this guy Nolan ;worked for the bus company, his print on the wheel could be legit. Grissom: Well, I wish we had a "who" but at least we have a "where." [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MOJAVE EXPRESS - OFFICE - DAY] (WARRICK talks with LARRY MADDOX.) Larry Maddox: I have a zero tolerance policy. I found marijuana in Mr. Nolan's locker. He was out of here that afternoon. Warrick: Well, we're still going to need those maintenance records. (LARRY MADDOX nods his head and goes to the filing cabinet. He takes out a file and gives it to WARRICK.) Larry Maddox: Everything from fill-ups to tune-ups the last six months. Warrick: Thank you. (WARRICK leaves.) WHITE FLASH TO: [EXT. LAS VEGAS DESERT HIGHWAY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BARSTOW - DAY] Catherine: There were security cameras behind the counter but none of them were pointed out here. Grissom: Five buses have pulled in in the last ten minutes. Brass: Not to mention all the private vehicles, truckers-- nothing's changed since I was here yesterday. Catherine: Forget about getting a usable print off that airhose. Brass: Yeah, a guy putting air in a tire at a rest stop does not draw attention. (GRISSOM'S cell phone rings. He answers it.) Grissom: Grissom. INTERCUT WITH: [EXT. MOJAVE EXPRESS] Warrick: Sean Nolan was fired two months ago. Maddox says he's working in Barstow and since then three of Maddox's buses had blowouts. They all went through Barstow. Grissom: Did you check their maintenance records? Warrick: Yeah, only last night's bus had been serviced since Maddox changed suppliers. Grissom: Way to go, Warrick. I owe you. Warrick: Yeah, you do. See you. (GRISSOM hangs up.) Grissom: We got a suspect. Sean Nolan. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BARSTOW - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM, CATHERINE and BRASS walk across the way to SEAN NOLAN.) Brass: That's him. That's our boy. Sean Nolan? Sean Nolan: Can I help you? Grissom: Yeah, there was a bus crash up the road. About nine people died. Sean Nolan: Yeah, it's all over the news. I already talked to him. Brass: I forgot what you told me. Wasn't much to tell. Catherine: Your prints were on the bus. Sean Nolan: Not following. Catherine: Front right wheel hub. Sean Nolan: I work here. Grissom: Julius Caesar, murdered in 44 B.C. Legend has it that the molecules from his last breath spread all over the world. Probably like your fingerprints, right? They're everywhere. Catherine: Uh ... Mr. Nolan, have you handled any chloroform lately? Sean Nolan: No. Catherine: You mind? (CATHERINE checks.) Sean Nolan: What are you doing? Catherine: Would you turn around, please? (As she nears the gauge in his back pocket, the monitor beeps rapidly.) Grissom: Whoa. Is that a pickle in your pocket or are you just happy to see us? (CATHERINE takes out his pressure gauge to check. She looks at it.) (Quick flashback to: SEAN NOLAN uses the pressure gauge to put chloroform in the bus tire. He glances around and caps the tire. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sean Nolan: Just wanted to stick it to him. Give him a few problems. Brass: Maddox? Sean Nolan: Yeah. I smoke one joint on the weekend... my time. Now I got a jacket as a junkie. Can't get a job driving a bus to save my life. Catherine: So, you figured, "I'll just blow a couple of his tires." Sean Nolan: Even if a tire blows the suspension system should keep the bus on the road. I been driving buses for ten years. I've never seen a flat take out a bus. Brass: Well, there's always a first time. You're under arrest. (BRASS signals the officers to cuff SEAN NOLAN.) Sean Nolan: I didn't mean to hurt anyone, okay? (They take him away.) Catherine: Well, I'd hate to be a juror on a case like this. Grissom: Second-degree murder. Catherine: Reckless disregard for safety and human life mitigated by bad bolts. Grissom: Yeah, which was mitigated by greed. (They turn and walk away just as the next bus pulls into BARSTOW.) MAN (OVER P.A.): Well, folks, we're about two hours and 45 minutes from Vegas. Let's see if I can get you there ahead of schedule.
Plan: A: A bus; Q: What type of vehicle was carrying 23 passengers from Los Angeles to Las Vegas? A: its destination; Q: What was the bus carrying passengers from Los Angeles to Las Vegas less than 40 miles from? A: nine people; Q: How many people died in the bus crash? A: the driver; Q: Who recalls that the steering wheel vibrated like a jackhammer in his hands? A: the speeding vehicle; Q: What was the driver unable to control? A: a stop; Q: What did the bus finally come to? A: its right side; Q: On what side did the bus crash? A: a sports car; Q: What was the bus on top of when it came to a stop? A: the CSIs; Q: Who discovers that a recent parolee was on the bus, but is now unaccounted for? A: evidence; Q: What do the CSIs find that suggests foul play? Summary: A bus carrying 23 passengers from Los Angeles to Las Vegas crashes less than 40 miles from its destination, killing nine people. Before he dies, the driver recalls that, moments before the wreck, the steering wheel began vibrating like a jackhammer in his hands, making it impossible for him to control the speeding vehicle. When the bus finally did come to a stop, it was on its right side on top of a sports car that was following it. At the scene, the CSIs discover that a recent parolee was on the bus, but is now unaccounted for---and that there's evidence of foul play.
"Yanks in the U.K. Part I" [SCENE_BREAK] (Open: Oxford University - Lecture Hall. Brennan is speaking in front of a class while Booth is in the audience, sleeping.) BRENNAN: In closing my lecture on interstitial lammellae remodeling, I'd like to address some issues that are not strictly confined to forensic anthropology. (cut to Booth in the crowd, asleep with his head on his hand) If it's alright with my host, Dr. Wexler. IAN WEXLER: Well, yes, I should think that all the most joyless wonks, and yes I do refer to you, Cyril Bibby - would, uh, embrace the diversion from haversian systems. BRENNAN: My partner, FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth, gave his lecture at Scotland Yard last night. Agent Booth, could you please stand up? (There is no response, Booth is still sleeping) BRENNAN: Hey, Booth! BOOTH: (waking) Yeah, I'm here. What's up? BRENNAN: Agent Booth is the intuitive humanist while I am the logical empiricist although recently I have seen how destructive pure logic can be. My own assistant, the most brilliant young man I've ever met- BOOTH: ...ended up, uh, a side-kick to a cannibalistic serial killer. BRENNAN: I - I haven't invited you to join me, Booth, so you can take your seat. (Booth sits down) What I've learned from Agent Booth is that we scientists must arm ourselves with something other than pure logic. WEXLER: Quality which deflects us from an irrational enamoration for the rational. BRENNAN: Exactly. (Cut to: Outside Oxford University - Outside.) BOOTH: How old is that guy? BRENNAN: What, Ian? He's a year younger than I am and almost as brilliant. What do you think of my speech? BOOTH: Well, it got, ya know, better towards the end. BRENNAN: You mean after you interrupted me. BOOTH: I'm sorry. Look, It wasn't that I was bored, mostly it was just that I was tired, okay? The boobies took me out for a beer last night... BRENNAN: Bobbies, they're called Bobbies. BOOTH: I'm pretty sure that Sara, Pauline and Jacqueline are, ya know, Boobies. WEXLER: Dr. Brennan! Dr. Brennan. What a wonder lecture: Fantastic. Sublime. Great! BRENNAN: Thank you, Dr. Wexler. WEXLER: Who knew a shapeless robe could be so evocative - of academia I mean, of course. (to Booth) Just one moment with my colleague, please, Agent Booth. (Brennan and Wexler walk a bit away as Booth leans on the wall, watching them.) BRENNAN: Um, over the last few days, I have been warned - many times - to watch out for you. WEXLER: Warned? That sounds dangerous. (his phone starts ringing) Was it something along the lines of "Oh, look out for Ian Wexler. He's a young genius on the rise?" BRENNAN: How can you flirt with me while ignoring your phone? WEXLER: Well, I am a man of perspective. Besides, I find if one ignores the thing long enough, generally it stops ringing. And then later, at my leisure, it will tell me what it wanted. WEXLER: (answering his phone) Dr. Ian Wexler. (to Brennan) Oh, don't leave, this is nothing. (into phone) Murder? What kind of murder? Well, is it a boring one or is it a violent one? (to Brennan) Is your interest piqued? BRENNAN: Wha- are you being serious? WEXLER: I'm going to pass you over to a colleague of mine. I'd simply like you to state the origin of this call. Thank you. (He puts the phone to Brennan's ear) BRENNAN: Scotland Yard? Homicide. WEXLER: (taking the phone back) Cheers. (to Brennan) Well, would you like to tag along? It is murder. Can't promise anything but it is possible a famous heiress is involved. BRENNAN: I'm keen as ketchup. WEXLER: Mustard. Keen as mustard. Excellent effort at the colloquialism, though. Very impressive. Does your cowboy want to tag along? BRENNAN: Oh, please, don't call him that. WEXLER: He'd find it insulting? BRENNAN: No. He'd love it. (Cut to: Thames River. A car is being pulled out of the river) OFFICER: Stand back please. (A car pulls up and parks. Booth, Brennan and Wexler get out to meet Pritchard) WEXLER: Inspector Cate Pritchard of Scotland Yard, I'd like you to meet- PRITCHARD: Ah, Agent Booth. BOOTH: Yes, yes. PRITCHARD: Hello! I very much enjoyed your presentation last night. He's very active: sound effects, visual aids, all sorts of props. Although he complained at great length about how he had to check his gun with us. BOOTH: Well, ya know without a gun, I'm practically naked. Isn't that right, Bones? WEXLER: Inspector Pritchard, meet Dr. Brennan. PRITCHARD: Charming WEXLER: She's exactly like me. PRITCHARD: Charming, tenacious, salacious, sophomoric, euphoric, noble, ignoble, fatuous, horrid, morbid, torpid and tedious. WEXLER: Flattery will get you absolutely nowhere, Cate. So you found Portia Frampton? PRITCHARD: Well, the way we usually work, Ian, is I drag the bodies out of the Thames and you use your extraordinary capabilities to identify them. BOOTH: Bones! They're like the English version of me and you. WEXLER: But do you think it might be her? PRITCHARD: Well, this certainly is her car. Portia Frampton, she's an American, as is her father. (to Booth and Brennan) Do you know him? WEXLER: Not all Americans know each other, Cate. There are quite a lot of them. PRITCHARD: Roger Frampton: airlines, internet ventures, luxury construction. WEXLER: Full disclosure, Cate. I'm currently analyzing one of his construction sites. Frampton wishes to build skyscrapers over what may prove to be a Bronze Age treasure trove or maybe just a rubbish tip. BRENNAN: Well, they aren't mutually exclusive. WEXLER: Exactly. (Brennan and Wexler laugh.) PRITCHARD: (to Booth) This vehicle's number plate matches Miss Frampton's. Obviously, this vehicle entered the Thames at some distance upstream before coming to ground here. WEXLER: What do you think, Dr. Brennan? Female or transvestite? BRENNAN: Female. WEXLER: Mhm. BRENNAN: Late teens, early 20's. WEXLER: Penetrating trauma to the parietal bone. BRENNAN: (to Booth & Pritchard) Someone hit her on the head with a sharp object. WEXLER: You have to do that as well, do you? Translate for them? BRENNAN: Mhm. BOOTH: You have to deal with that, too? PRITCHARD: (to Brennan & Wexler) Is it murder? BRENNAN & WEXLER: (in unison) Yes. PRITCHARD: If this is Portia Frampton then her father will no doubt demand FBI involvement. BRENNAN: Why? PRITCHARD: They're American. Well, you won't have any real jurisdiction, you understand. Well, not beyond what I grant you out of courtesy. BOOTH: Well, that whole "no jurisdiction" thing - that really doesn't fly in the FBI. BRENNAN: Just tell him he can have a gun. PRITCHARD: But he can't. BOOTH: Well, as they say in America, "Hasta la vista, baby" PRITCHARD: Agent Booth. I will - I will do my utmost to get you a gun. BOOTH: In that case.. excuse me - (he brushes past Pritchard to go stand next to Brennan) Bones and I are the best crime-solving team in America. BRENNAN: Well, we're in England. WEXLER: Let's all just try and pull together, shall we? One nice little happy transnational unit of inquiry. BRENNAN: Well, we should have these remains set back to the Jeffersonian as well as any silt samples and parts of the vehicle that may contain trace evidence. PRITCHARD: How do you feel about that, Dr. Wexler? WEXLER: Oh, I'm looking forward to completely surrendering myself to Dr. Brennan. BOOTH: You heard her: Back to the Jeffersonian, all of it. Put it in the overhead. (Opening Credits) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. The remains and other items arrive at the Jeffersonian.) ANGELA: Uh, Brennan sent all this evidence from England? CLARK: Not just evidence, but actual human remains. CAM: The Brits used dental records - no jokes, please - to identify the daughter of a wealthy ex-pat. HODGINS: Typical American billionaire. He thinks we can do it better. CLARK: Because we can do it better. CAM: X-rays for you, Clark. CLARK: Thank you. CAM: I'll take the body, see if there's any soft tissue worth looking at. ANGELA: And these crime scene photos are mine. HODGINS: Check it out. British slime. So much more proper than American slime. CAM: Some kind of paper... ANGELA: I'll see if there's anything on it. CAM: Okay, as usual, I'll need constant progress reports. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela walks into her office and stops to look at the picture. Behind her a man, Grayson Barasa, appears.) GRAYSON: Angela. ANGELA: Oh, my...Oh, my God! (Angela laughs and walks quickly towards Grayson. She jumps up, wraps her legs around him and kisses him.) ANGELA: (sighing) Grayson... GRAYSON: Angela. ANGELA: That's the last bit of sugar you're ever gonna get from me. I want my divorce. (Grayson just laughs - thinking she's kidding - but stops when he realizes that she's serious.) (Cut to: London, England - Crime Scene.) WEXLER: Portia Frampton, only daughter of Roger Frampton, 47, formerly of Ringwood, New Jersey and Sarah Frampton nee Burroughs, deceased 1994 of Cheltenham, England. BOOTH: God, you wouldn't believe what my hotel gave me for breakfast. It was like this brown goo and some kind of meat. I think it was a sausage about the size of my finger. BRENNAN: I had an entire buffet. BOOTH: Well, you're staying at the Duke of something, alright? I'm at the Beefeater Hotel Motel. PRITCHARD: Ate at a Beefeater? That's brave. BOOTH: Yeah, brave is right. (takes a sip of his drink) This is the weakest coffee I've ever had. BRENNAN: Booth, that's tea. (He takes the cup and empties it into the river) PRITCHARD: Okay, two weeks ago, Miss Frampton was last seen leaving her home the morning after her 21st birthday party. BOOTH: That's quite a coincidence that Dr. Wexler is working for the victim's father. WEXLER: Well, not working for him, actually, working for the city but I shall check my diary to see if I killed her. PRITCHARD: Portia's party broke up around 2am and she was reported missing the following afternoon. BOOTH: Hmm. The question is - why? WEXLER: She was probably reported missing because nobody could find her. PRITCHARD: Ian... WEXLER: And I suspect the reason why nobody could find her was because Portia was in a car on the bottom of the River Thames. Just a theory, mind you. BOOTH: Right, it's a great theory. (he hands Wexler his cup) Can you hold onto that for one second? Thanks. Me and uh, Dr. Brennan will go talk to the family. PRITCHARD: Together? BOOTH & BRENNAN: (in unison) That's what we do. WEXLER: You, an inspector? That's extraordinary. PRITCHARD: Sweet. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab. Forensics Platform.) CLARK: Portia Frampton was struck from behind. Trauma to the zygomata suggests that she fell to the ground and then was struck again at least two more times. CAM: Weapon? CLARK: The Brits weren't able to recover all the skull fragments so it's nearly impossible to tell. (Angela enters) ANGELA: Excuse me. I'd like you to meet my husband. My soon-to-be ex-husband. GRAYSON: We must talk. CAM: This is Birimbau? GRAYSON: I prefer my real name: Grayson Barasa. Very nice to meet you. ANGELA: Listen, uh, I realize that Grayson is very lovely. CAM: He certainly is. GRAYSON: Thank you. CLARK: He's a big dude. ANGELA: But until Grayson hands over signed divorce papers, I don't really need Hodgins seeing everybody gawking at him like he's some kinda god. CAM: Yeah, but he is some kinda god. The best kind. ANGELA: Cam. A little help here. CAM: Yeah. (Sweets enters and sees Grayson.) SWEETS: Oh, my God. Poor Hodgins. Wow. (he laughs and continues laughing) Look at that guy. He's just... Look at him! I'm sorry. (continues laughing) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Hodgins Desk) ANGELA: Hodgins? HODGINS: Hey, Angie. ANGELA: This is Grayson Barasa. Birimbau. HODGINS: Please tell me you are here to sign the divorce papers. GRAYSON: I can't do that. I am still in love with Angela. HODGINS: Of course you are. Uh, I understand, but Angela is in love with me. ANGELA: I told you, Grayson. GRAYSON: Angela, do you remember the night we met? ANGELA: Vaguely. GRAYSON: Ah, the waves were phosphorescent, like the world was upside down and we were swimming naked through the Milky Way. HODGINS: Bioluminescent phytoplankton. Nothing mystic. GRAYSON: We talked about how the universe speaks to us. And when our lips met (to Hodgins) I apologize. HODGINS: Hm? No worries. Our lips meet all the time. ANGELA: Bells. HODGINS: What? ANGELA: No, Hodgins. Literally, bells started ringing. It was nothing cosmic. GRAYSON: Every bell on the island rang out. ANGELA: It was during the Shark Festival of Bells. What did you expect to happen? A 21-gun salute? HODGINS: So-so-so... what about the divorce papers? GRAYSON: You need time to talk. (Grayson leaves Angela and Hodgins by themselves - they start to laugh) ANGELA: Yuck it up, laughing boy. Wait until one of your ex-girlfriends comes to visit. HODGINS: Mhm. Yup. (He kisses Angela) ANGELA: Back to work. HODGINS: Yeah. (Cut to: Frampton's House - UK. Pritchard, Booth & Brennan are speaking with Mr. Frampton.) ROGER FRAMPTON: One of the reasons we moved away from the States was to get away. Now look what happened. BOOTH: All right, Mr. Frampton, look, we're very sorry for the loss of your daughter. ROGER FRAMPTON: What was it? Was it a robbery? BRENNAN: We don't know yet. BOOTH: I'm gonna need a list of your enemies. ROGER FRAMPTON: What enemies? BOOTH: Well, you're a very aggressive American businessman living here in England; you must have enemies. ROGER FRAMPTON: My daughter was a very sweet, innocent girl. BRENNAN: Not always, Mr. Frampton. (Brennan holds up a tabloid with a picture of Portia, topless, on the cover with the headline "Heiress Loses Her Shirt") ROGER FRAMPTON: What the hell are you asking for anyway? HEATHER MILLER: If you can put that picture away, Dr. Brennan. BOOTH: Miss Miller, how close were you with your stepdaughter? ROGER FRAMPTON: Heather and I are not married yet. HEATHER MILLER: Portia was like a younger sister to me. We talked about everything: clothes, school, Harry... BOOTH: Harry? Who's - who's Harry? ROGER FRAMPTON: Lord Henry Albert Bonham. BOOTH: Right. Is that some kind of a crusty old politician or something? PRITCHARD: Lord Bonham is a very un-crusty young man, heir to the Duke of Innesford. BOOTH: Right. Harry, Henry, Bonham, whatever. I read the tabloids. There was no mention of Portia dating any kind of royalty. ROGER FRAMPTON: The duke wanted it kept a secret. BRENNAN: The duke would be the lord's father. BOOTH: I got it, Bones. I understand, okay? BRENNAN: I'm just trying to help. BOOTH: I... All right, so the duke says something and all of a sudden, magically, it happens? HEATHER MILLER: Welcome to England. ROGER FRAMPTON: A murderer is a murderer, no matter how close he is to the throne. Please, help me find out who did this to my daughter. (Cut to: London Street. Booth and Brennan are driving in a red Austin) BRENNAN: Why did you rent this? BOOTH: I didn't rent this, okay? They screwed up at the rent-a-car place. I ordered an Aston. You know, James Bond? But they gave me - PRITCHARD: Yeah, they gave you an Austin. It could happen to anyone. Um...we drive on the left here, as you may recall. BRENNAN: Driving here requires a different skill set. I - I could take the wheel, if you like. I'm an excellent driver. BOOTH: Thank you, Rain Man. No, I'm fine. Tell you what, back home, we'd drag the whole Royal Family into interrogation, separately, let 'em stew, catch 'em in a lie. PRITCHARD: We'll we could do that, if you like, but it'll give them time to close up. Do stay to the left here, please. BRENNAN: Close up? PRITCHARD: Tighten ranks. Nothing is as impenetrable as the aristocracy freezing out hoi polloi interlopers. I must say, I'm rather looking forward to two Americans beating the lion in his den. Oh, the light is red. BOOTH: It's okay. I'm turning right. BRENNAN: No, no, turning right on a red here is the equivalent of turning left into the wrong lane on a red at home. BOOTH: That makes no sense. BRENNAN: Ut oh. PRITCHARD: No, the point is it's against the law to turn on a red! PRITCHARD: Brake! Brake! BRENNAN: Ahhhh! PRITCHARD: Brake! RANDOM MAN: Get out of the way, w*nk*r! BRENNAN: Okay, I think we should wait here until the traffic thins out. (Booth gets out of the car and starts to yell) BOOTH: God, I hate London! I hate England! I'm glad we had a revolution! Ah! BRENNAN: (answering her phone) Brennan. (Booth continues to rant outside the car while Brennan talks to Cam) BOOTH: And the weather it changes, it's cloudy... CAM: The fatty acid composition of the victim's cervical fluid caught my attention, so I ran some more tests. Turns out Portia Frampton was pregnant. BRENNAN: Pregnant? How far along? BOOTH: And coffee! What is so hard about making a cup of black coffee... CAM: About two months. BRENNAN: Okay. Thanks, Cam. (Booth gets back into the car) BOOTH: Okay, I feel much better. What'd I miss? PRITCHARD: Lord Henry Bonham, heir to the Duke of Innesford, knocked up the victim. BOOTH: Right. The Royals hate bastards. BRENNAN: Only the ones that don't make king. BOOTH: Okay, hang on, girls. Let me get out of this toilet swirl. (Cut to: Bonham Estate. Booth, Brennan and Pritchard arrive) BOOTH: Woah, nice castle! BRENNAN: No. Castles were originally designed for military purposes to withstand attack. (Brennan and Pritchard get out of the car) This, is more properly called a palace. BOOTH: Bones, a little help getting out, Bones? BOOTH; Geez, oh, God. Geez. Heads up. Getting out of this thing is like being born. (The butler appears at the door) BOOTH: Ooh. That the duke? PRITCHARD: It's his gentleman's gentleman. BRENNAN: It's a butler. BOOTH: How you doing there, sport? (Pritchard flashes her badge) BOOTH: Right. (flashes his badge) FBI. JAMISON: You might as well put this one away; it's worthless. BOOTH: And yet here I am. (to Pritchard) You mind waiting outside? BRENNAN: Why? PRITCHARD: It's because Agent Booth not only wants the Aristocrats off balance, he wants them upside down. BRENNAN: Well, he'll annoy them, you mean. PRITCHARD: Let's say the Duke and Duchess won't be used to your approach. Word of advice: when they start commenting on you to each other, you've got them on the run. BOOTH: Right. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Cam and Angela are walking toward Hodgins desk) ANGELA: I noticed in the crime scene photos that the backseats of which started me thinking that maybe the victim was transporting something, worth stealing. HODGINS: So Brennan had strips of material sent from the vehicle, which I analyzed: ST-90 transmission oils, made with poly-alpha-olefin, leaded, acidic H2O residue, and plenty of polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons. ANGELA: Don't make her ask. CAM: Thank you, Angela. HODGINS: A motorcycle was transported in the back of the SUV. ANGELA: More likely a scooter, given the size. CAM: The killer kills, loads the body and his scooter. HODGINS: Or moped. CAM: Drives to the Thames- HODGINS: Dumps the car, body and all, in the river, and rides his scooter home. ANGELA: Through the teeming streets of London. (Cut to: Bonham Estate. Booth & Brennan are inside being led by Jamison) BOOTH: So you're an honest-to-God real butler? JAMISON: My family has served His Grace's family for eight generations. BOOTH: Yeah, well, a real butler would offer to take my hat. JAMISON: A real gentleman would be wearing a hat. BOOTH: Whoa, look at this guy. (Booth stops to look at body armor and goes to touch it) JAMISON: Uh, yes, sir. It dates to - Please don't touch that, Agent Booth. BRENNAN: Late 1490s or early 1500s. German design? JAMISON: His Grace's ancestors fought for Henry VIII in France. BOOTH: Oh, geez, look at the size of this. That's one large cup. Probably to scare the sissy French. BRENNAN: Well, actually, Henry VIII started the trend of large codpieces because he had syphilis so his pen1s was extremely sensitive to anything touching it. JAMISON: His Grace favors the "intimidate the enemy" version, should the topic arise. His Grace, Her Ladyship, and Lord Henry will meet you in the morning room. (Cut to: Bonham Estates. Morning Room) HARRY: Two weeks and I'd heard nothing from Portia. I knew it'd turn out to be something terrible. BRENNAN: You kept your relationship with Portia Frampton a secret. HARRY: It didn't mean I didn't love her. BOOTH: Well, where we come from, that's exactly what it means. DUKE GERARD BONHAM: You're quite certain this American has the right to pose these questions? BOOTH: Tell you what, you call Scotland Yard and the answer is always gonna be yes. So, Portia ever come to visit this, uh, palace? DUKE BONHAM: This house? No. BOOTH: Why? I mean, you were in love with her. Right, lord? BRENNAN: (to Booth) Well, it's my understanding that the class system in England, though very much relaxed since the Second World War, still exists at the highest levels of society. (to Anne Bonham) That's you, right? ANNE BONHAM: One prefers not to make such an assertion. BRENNAN: How long did you and Portia Frampton carry on a sexual relationship? HARRY: Did I ever say I was sleeping with her? (Paige Bonham, Harry's grandmother, enters the room) PAIGE BONHAM: Of course you had s*x with her, Harry, and I'm sure she rather enjoyed it. You're a well-formed, athletic boy. Did you offer refreshments? DUKE BONHAM: I had no intention of encouraging them to stay longer, Mother. PAIGE BONHAM: Tea, please. Harry kept his relationship with the Frampton girl secret because her father is a rapacious crook who uses intimidation and bribery to get what he wants. BRENNAN: So, it had nothing to do with this? (she holds up the tabloid) ANNE BONHAM: Oh, they brought that wretched rag into the house. HARRY: I was there. It was the afternoon before Portia's birthday party. BOOTH: So you saw the photographer? HARRY: Of course not. I'd have thrashed him. BOOTH: Ha! The lord was gonna go all medieval. (Jamison enters with tea) HARRY: Portia's party was lovely. She left before I awoke the next morning. That's the last time I saw her. BRENNAN: But you did hear from her. BOOTH: Right, because, uh, cell phone records indicate that you talked that morning. HARRY: It was a very personal conversation. BRENNAN: Did you discuss her pregnancy? BOOTH: I got it. I'll tell you what. There was an argument, Portia wanted to keep the baby - you didn't... HARRY: I-I assure you I had absolutely no idea that... PAIGE BONHAM: Could he possibly be suggesting that pregnancy is a motive for murder? LORD BONHAM: Nonsense. Arrangements would have been made. BOOTH: Right, and you're positive that you're the father? (Harry starts toward Booth) LORD BONHAM: Harry. BOOTH: Look at that. I'm being intimidated by royalty. HARRY: If you must know, Portia broke up with me. She said there was to be no discussion. BOOTH: Ah. There ya go. Motive for murder, no matter what country we're in, hmm? (he sips the tea) Mmmm. What is this? PAIGE BONHAM: It's Assam black tea. Very strong. Call it the upper class version of a cup o' joe. BOOTH: Wow. Cheers. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Oxford Basement. Angela is linked via computer so that Brennan can get her findings. Pritchard and Ian are there too.) ANGELA: Hey, I've been looking at those tabloid photos of the victim. Now, in a telephoto shot, most of the frame is blurry. Only the main subject is in focus. BOOTH: What is this place on the weekends? A dungeon? ANGELA: You see here? These pixels look like they've been altered to appear fuzzy. WEXLER: So it wasn't really a telephoto lens? BOOTH: You light it with torches, right? ANGELA: No, it was a telephoto lens but it's been doctored to look as though it's over 500 mm when I put it at more like 80. PRITCHARD: Well, why would anyone do that? ANGELA: You see that white sliver? WEXLER: You mean the white blob? ANGELA: Yeah, it's a reflection of light, almost as though the photographer was behind glass. And... in Portia's eyes do you see that? BRENNAN & PRITCHARD: No. ANGELA: It's a reflection of a house. Do you see where I'm going? BRENNAN & PRITCHARD: No. BOOTH: Someone took the picture inside the house. ANGELA: Right. With an 80-millimeter lens. Sweetie...my ex-husband is here with the divorce papers, so I'll fill you in when you get back. WEXLER: I love the mix of personal and professional you people seem to manage. BRENNAN: Harry could have taken the photograph. PRITCHARD: Yes, that's certainly a possibility, but Harry had no motive to take the photo. We're most likely searching for a disgruntled servant who was looking to cash in. (Cut to: Royal Diner. Grayson is sitting at the counter, drinking coffee. Hodgins enters and taps him on the shoulder.) GRAYSON: I apologize for eating without you, but, apparently, to hold the table, you have to order. HODGINS: Yeah. I'm not here for food. I'm here to get you to sign the divorce papers. GRAYSON: In my place, would you do that? HODGINS: I'm not in your place. GRAYSON: I've been searching for Angela for five years. HODGINS: I know. I know. Our private investigator told us everything. You built Angela a home with your bare hands while simultaneously smuggling medicine to children in Cuba and supporting an orphanage. You're a saint. I get it. GRAYSON: If you believe that to be true, then you should want what is best for Angela. HODGINS: I do. And guess what? It's me. GRAYSON: Why are you better than me? HODGINS: Obviously, I'm not. But I do love her more than you. GRAYSON: Ah, you cannot possibly know that. HODGINS: And yet, I do. GRAYSON: We are at an impasse. (Hodgins gets up and leaves. Grayson follows him outside) GRAYSON: You have no sense of dignity. HODGINS: Yeah. I'd give up my life for Angela, so what's a little dignity? GRAYSON: She kissed me, you know. HODGINS: On the cheek or...? (Angela and Sweets show up) ANGELA: What's going on? SWEETS: Oh, man. HODGINS: He says you kissed him. ANGELA: I did. SWEETS: Whoa. ANGELA: It was a good-bye kiss. GRAYSON: There's nothing you can do. You must accept... (Hodgins punches Grayson in the face) ANGELA: Hodgins! SWEETS: (takes off his jacket and hands it to Angela) Here. Can you take this, please? (Sweets trips and falls on the sidewalk, flat on his face. Grayson picks up Hodgins and throws him in a garbage truck and it drives away.) ANGELA: Nice, Grayson. (She throws down Sweets' jacket and walks away) GRAYSON: Angela... (Cut to: William Curry & Partners - Chambers of Law) BRENNAN: We've been working on identifying the photographer who took the tabloid picture of Portia. HEATHER MILLER: Surely, identifying her murderer is more important. BOOTH: You see, paparazzi, they follow people so maybe he saw something. I don't know, maybe the actual killer. BRENNAN: The photo was taken from a bedroom in Portia's home. HEATHER MILLER: So, you're suggesting the help let a paparazzo into the house. BRENNAN: Actually, the help, told Inspector Pritchard that you were in the room. BOOTH: Look. Maybe you want to tell us why you did it before Roger gets here? HEATHER MILLER: Roger and I have set five wedding dates over the years and each time, Portia found a way to make him postpone. She had her father wrapped around her little finger. BRENNAN: So you killed her? HEATHER MILLER: Don't be ridiculous. No, I merely wanted Roger to regard Portia as a sexually mature adult with her own agenda instead of as an innocent child. (William Curry & Roger Frampton enter the room - Curry is dressed in his judges outfit) WILLIAM CURRY: Sorry I'm late. Court went rather longer than expected. Heather, I trust you've said nothing. BOOTH: Too late. ROGER FRAMPTON: Too late why? BRENNAN: Your girlfriend sent the naked picture of your daughter to the tabloids so you'd stop thinking that she was perfect, and finally get married. WILLIAM CURRY: What Americans lack in subtlety, they make up with clarity. HEATHER MILLER: Roger, I'm so sorry. ROGER FRAMPTON: Why the hell would you do that? HEATHER MILLER: Please believe me. I would never do anything to harm Portia. I simply made a terrible mistake. (Roger leaves) Roger! Oh, Roger! (Heather chases after him) WILLIAM CURRY: I trust this interview is over. BOOTH: Actually, I just have one more question. Who the hell would want to wear this? (He points to the wig) (Cut to: Restaurant near the Tower Bridge. Booth and Pritchard are relaxing and having a beer.) PRITCHARD: It's so nice to see you relaxing, enjoying some good British beer, Agent Booth. Cheers. BOOTH: Cheers. Tell you what. I'd like to see that open. (he points to Tower Bridge) PRITCHARD: Really? Why? BOOTH: Luck. PRITCHARD: Well, you'd have to be ridiculously lucky to see something like that,wouldn't you? BOOTH: That's my point. PRITCHARD: (pushes a box towards him) Well, you did get a little lucky today. BOOTH: Yeah. (he opens the box) That's a Walther PPK. It's a James Bond gun. Booth. Seeley Booth. PRITCHARD: No, that's terrible. BOOTH: Thanks, Pritch. PRITCHARD: But, please, um, just remember, though, that if you do use it, I'm the one they'll hang. BOOTH: Hey, I'm a good shot. (his phone rings) Oh. Ahh, it's the American squints. You'll love these people. (turns on speaker phone) Booth. Seeley Booth. ANGELA: (on speaker phone) Hey, uh, the paper you sent me turns out to be a letter to Portia Frampton from her mother. PRITCHARD: A keepsake from her childhood, perhaps? ANGELA: No, it's dated this year. BOOTH:Okay, what does the letter say? ANGELA: Uh, the entire body of the letter is indecipherable. The date and the salutation and the signature are clear, though. BOOTH: Thanks, Ange. PRITCHARD: So, Portia Frampton's mother is still alive? BOOTH: That raises a whole set of questions. (Cut to: Dig Site. Wexler and Brennan work at the dig site where Wexler is tasked with identifying Bronze Age artifacts. His students, Vera and Cyril.) CLARK: Visible on the L2 is an area of radiolucency. WEXLER: Can't see a damn thing. BRENNAN: Give us a moment, Clark. CYRIL: We found a few more bone fragments today, Dr. Wexler. WEXLER: Good. How old? VERA: No more than 100 years. WEXLER: To prevent Frampton from building his beloved skyscrapers on this site we need to find something from the Bronze Age or older. CLARK: There is evidence of reabsorption of the surrounding bone. CYRIL: Ah, here, yes, I see. Very interesting. WEXLER: Cyril, you're being impertinent. Please stop speaking. VERA: Well, could the anomaly be a hemangioblastoma ? WEXLER: Okay, off you go and don't come back until you find at least one Bronze Age ossified funny bone. BRENNAN: Have Cam do a histology, Clark. CLARK: Will do, Dr. Brennan. (She closes the computer screen) BRENNAN: So... what now? WEXLER: Well, I thought quick drink, back to yours for some s*x, and then out for a late supper. BRENNAN: I'm inclined to accept. WEXLER: I'm ever so pleased. BRENNAN: But Booth says I shouldn't trust you. WEXLER: And why is that? BRENNAN: Well, he says you like to rack 'em up. WEXLER: Rack 'em up? How vulgar. BRENNAN: Booth is very good at reading people. WEXLER: Hmm. Well, in that case, how about we start with the supper, and then let the chips fall where they may? BRENNAN: That would be an acceptable compromise. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Hodgins Desk.) HODGINS: I checked out the skull fragments for microscopic traces. CAM: (looks at the screen) How shiny and pretty. What is it? HODGINS: Mother-of-pearl. Have you talked to Angela today? CAM: Yes. Are you saying our victim was attacked by an abalone? HODGINS: How mad is she? CAM: Mad, mad, mad. HODGINS: I thought women secretly liked it when we fought over them. CAM: "Women" is an unacceptable generalization. (Cut to: London Street. Booth is attempting to parallel park and not doing such a good job.) BRENNAN: Well, you should look over your other shoulder. BOOTH: Bones, I've been driving since I was 12, okay? BRENNAN: Would it make you less agitated if I told you that I didn't sleep with Dr. Wexler last night? BOOTH: Okay, look. I'm not agitated, okay? I'm agitated because of driving this little car, that's all. Look, Wexler is just - I'm not agitated because of you and Dr. Wexler. Wexler's just another guy looking for a one-night stand. That's it. Whoa. BRENNAN: So? BOOTH: So, he doesn't take it seriously. BRENNAN: Seriously? What do you mean? You never laugh during s*x? Because I do. Whoa, do you see that lorry? BOOTH: I see that lorry. It's a truck, okay? We're an American, and that is a truck. I laugh during s*x. It's just, it's not that kind of serious. BRENNAN: Well, I think Dr. Wexler is serious about having s*x with me. Very interested. BOOTH: Okay, news bulletin for ya, Bones. There's not a guy in this country who wouldn't want to have s*x with you. Probably half the gay men...whoa, easy. BRENNAN: Are you being nice about me or awful about British men? BOOTH: Wexler is not special; you are. (Brennan's phone rings) BRENNAN: (into phone) Brennan. CAM: Am I interrupting anything? BRENNAN: No, I... I'm just helping Booth drive. CAM: Ooh, Booth shouldn't be behind the wheel. He isn't adaptable. BOOTH: I'm Mr. Adaptable, okay? And the mirror is the size of a thumbnail. BRENNAN: Well, what do you expect when you rent a car the size of your thumb? CAM: I don't think there's enough fetal tissue to get a DNA reading, but... BOOTH: Cam, can we just be quiet until we get into the flow of traffic here? RANDOM MAN: Get out of the way, w*nk*r! BRENNAN: You think I'm special? BOOTH: Of course I think that you're special, yes. BRENNAN: Thank you. I will take your romantic advice under advisement. Now you're too far to the left. BOOTH: Ohhh! BRENNAN: You're gonna hit the curb! BOOTH: We're good. BRENNAN: Yeah, unless we get a flat tire. BOOTH: No, we're good. CAM: If I could speak again? I had better luck with the tumor. Our victim suffered from Von-Hippel Lindau disease. BRENNAN: We got a flat tire. BOOTH: How did that happen? BRENNAN: Uh, it... there wasn't any evidence of VHL in either the mother's medical records or the autopsy report. CAM: But it's hereditary, so her father must have it. BOOTH: Roger Frampton worked for the NHL? BRENNAN: He - he may have VHL disease. BOOTH: What if he doesn't have it? BRENNAN: Then Roger Frampton is not Portia Frampton's biological father. BOOTH: Oh, God. (the horn starts blaring) Great. That's just great. I hate this car. (Cut to: Frampton's House. Pritchard, Booth & Brennan are back at the house. This time, Jamison is there.) ROGER FRAMPTON: My wife is not alive. BOOTH: Your daughter was carrying a letter from her mother. BRENNAN: It was dated Portia's 21st birthday. ROGER FRAMPTON: That's impossible. Tell your lab boys they got it wrong. WILLIAM CURRY: Roger, the lab is, in fact, correct. Portia was indeed carrying a letter from Sarah, dated her 21st birthday. Portia and I met at a cafe in Knightsbridge, the day after her party. I gave her the letter personally. PRITCHARD: I think you'll find Sarah knew she was dying and entrusted Mr. Curry with letters, which he delivered on Portia's important birthdays. BRENNAN: How do you know? PRITCHARD: Well, it's exactly what I'd have done if I were dying and leaving behind a young daughter. BOOTH: That's all very touching and all, but it still makes Wig-wearing Willy here the last person that saw Portia alive. WILLIAM CURRY: For God's sake, now I'm a suspect? ROGER FRAMPTON: You should've told me, William. WILLIAM CURRY: You're not the only person who engages me for my discretion, Roger. BRENNAN: What did the letter say? WILLIAM CURRY: I'm sure I couldn't possibly tell you. BRENNAN: Uh, Mr. Frampton, how is your health? ROGER FRAMPTON: What the hell has that got to do with anything? BRENNAN: Any nerve pain, dizziness, headaches? ROGER FRAMPTON: No, I'm healthy as an ox. BOOTH: Are you aware that Portia is not your biological daughter? PRITCHARD: Perhaps I should conduct the rest of this interview. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Lounge Area. Angela is sitting on the couch when Sweets joins her.) SWEETS: Angela? ANGELA: Here we go. SWEETS: Angela, men are idiots. Seriously. ANGELA: Just to be clear, are you a man or a boy for the purposes of this conversation? SWEETS: When I was ten, the kid next door had a turtle party wagon. It's an accessory for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures. It's a toy. No? Anyway, I loved that party wagon. I wanted that party wagon. So I climbed the tree outside his bedroom window but the tree had a fungus and his dad was too cheap to hire an arborist so unbeknownst to me, some of the branches were dead. ANGELA: Lucky for you, I, uh, I enjoy a convoluted story with my hot beverage. SWEETS: I'm in the hospital, broken arm, concussion and the kid with the party wagon comes in. I confess everything. You know what he says? "I would've given it to you." ANGELA: Ah. He had a little gay crush on you. SWEETS: He did? ANGELA: Mhmm. SWEETS: Oh, man, that explains a lot. ANGELA: But I'm guessing that you have a different point to the story, like maybe I'm the party wagon. SWEETS: No, you're the gay neighbor boy. Your love is the party wagon. Grayson is the tree. I'm Hodgins. Think about it. ANGELA: Which brings us back to the point that all men are idiots. SWEETS: See how I worked that? It's because I'm so good. ANGELA: Uh. Uh, huh. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Hodgins Desk) HODGINS: The treads in the victim's tires were mostly full of river silt but I did find a few more materials. Crushed scleractinian coral. Possibly from Australia. CAM: She was killed in Australia? HODGINS: It's used as a surface for private roadways in England. CAM: How does that help us? HODGINS: Well, it's been illegal to harvest this stuff for years, so the roadway in question is fairly old. And even when this stuff was available, it was incredibly expensive. CAM: And the organic material? HODGINS: Deciduous pinnate leaflets, medium pink petals. It's a rosa damascena. An antique rose bush. ANGELA: Hey, Hodgins... HODGINS: Yeah. Hey. Hi, Angela. (She reaches out and grabs his hand. He gets up and they walk away) CAM: Fine, I'll just pass this along to Booth and Dr. Brennan in England. You guys go ahead and - Security cameras, people. The building's filled with security cameras. (Cut to: Street near the Royal Diner. Hodgins and Angela are walking) ANGELA: Can't have you punching my ex-husbands. HODGINS: Deal. So long as you don't kiss your ex-husbands. For longer than 3 seconds. On the lips. ANGELA: Deal. Look, it's simple. My heart isn't yours to claim. It's mine to give away. HODGINS: I get that. I mean what you're saying, not your heart. ANGELA: Idiot, you do get my heart. HODGINS: Because you're giving it to me? ANGELA: At last. A glimmer of understanding. HODGINS: Wow, that is so flaky and New Age and wonderful. ANGELA: Yeah. (Hodgins pulls her towards him and kisses her. Grayson is across the street and sees. Just as he is about to go over by them, a bunch of people on bikes ride past - their bells ringing. Grayson starts laughing.) GRAYSON: Okay! Okay! I get it. The universe speaks. I hear it. (Angela and Hodgins continue to kiss. Grayson is gone.) (Cut to: London Street. Booth and Brennan are waiting to get their tire repaired.) BOOTH: Guy said he was going to fix the flat tire. What's it doing up on the truck? BRENNAN: (on phone) Crushed coral and rose petals. Hodgins found coral and roses in Portia Frampton's tires. Who takes a car with a flat tire and puts it up on a truck, all right? You fix it. That's what you do. If there was a spare tire, I'd have fixed it. BRENNAN: (to Booth) Probably you cracked an axle or something. (into phone) Thanks, Cam. That was very useful. (she hangs up) BOOTH: All right, great, now I gotta call Agent Pritchard. I'm gonna have to ask her for a ride. (Brennan is picks something out of the tire and smells it) You know, England is not good for my personal dignity - all because of a flat tire. (he turns and sees her smelling it) Wait. Whoa, whoa, Bones, don't smell that. You don't know where that's been. BRENNAN: Yes, I do. This is crushed coral and it smells like roses. BOOTH: Where did we pick up crushed coral? BRENNAN: The private road and driveway at the Bonham Estate. BOOTH: Portia Frampton drove to the Bonham Estate just before she died. BRENNAN: And the royals said she never came to the house. BOOTH: They lied. (Cut to: Bonham Estate. Wexler, Pritchard, Booth & Brennan arrive) WEXLER: You honestly believe the Duke of Innesford is Portia Frampton's biological father. BRENNAN: Both he and his mother show symptoms of VHL disease. WEXLER: Well, we're standing on coral; those are rose bushes, and that is a scooter that could fit very nicely into the back of an SUV. BOOTH: That's great. Okay, what's taking our backup so long? PRITCHARD: I didn't request backup. BOOTH: Well, great. In that case... (Booth reaches for the gun in his ankle holster) BRENNAN: I want a gun. I'm a very good shot and I - I've killed before. It didn't bother me as much as I thought. BOOTH: Well, it bothered you a little. BRENNAN: Well, yes, but not as much as I thought. WEXLER: If there's gonna be gunplay, I think I'll wait in the car. PRITCHARD: Nonsense, Ian, there won't be any gunplay. BRENNAN: Why not? PRITCHARD: We won't need guns because we have the letter from Portia's mother. BRENNAN: We don't know what it says. BOOTH: Ah, but they don't know that. Good one, Pritch. WEXLER: What'd you just call her? PRITCHARD: "Pritch," Ian. He called me, "Pritch." Short for "Pritchard." Will you please put that weapon away. BOOTH: Fine. It just feels wrong. (Cut to: Living Room. Bonham Estate.) BOOTH: I have a letter addressed to Portia from her mother. HARRY: Portia's mother died 14 years ago. PRITCHARD: She wrote it on her deathbed. WEXLER: On her deathbed? Well, you know what this means. Big doings. BOOTH: Big doings. (he takes a sheet of paper out of his pocket) So, I'm going to have Dr. Brennan read it out loud. (He hands the sheet of paper to Brennan) BRENNAN: What? (she takes it and starts 'reading') "My dearest daughter, Portia..." BOOTH: Did we mention it's dated Portia Frampton's 21st birthday? Start at the beginning, Bones. BRENNAN: "My dearest daughter Portia..." BOOTH: Skip to the part about her father. DUKE GERARD BONHAM: Wait. A moment. Please. Would you leave us, Harry? HARRY: Why? ANNE BONHAM: What's happening, Gerard? DUKE GERARD BONHAM: Please, trust me. This is not the way for Harry to discover certain harsh truths. Please, Harry. A little trust. PAIGE BONHAM: That must be one hell of a letter. DUKE GERARD BONHAM: You must believe me when I tell you that I had no idea of this before Portia read the letter to me. ANNE BONHAM: What? You met with Portia, here? What did it say? BRENNAN: It says that the Duke was Portia's biological father. PAIGE BONHAM: How remarkably unsavory. ANNE BONHAM: You couldn't possibly think that Gerard killed Portia to keep it a secret. (Brennan sees something hear the fireplace that could be a possible murder weapon) BOOTH: Why not? DUKE GERARD BONHAM: Portia asked me if I were her father. I admitted that it was more than possible. (Brennan hands it to Wexler) WEXLER: Mother-of-pearl. This is very possibly the murder weapon. PAIGE BONHAM:Isn't this the part where we call for legal counsel? DUKE GERARD BONHAM: I did not kill Portia Frampton, Mother. Thank you for your faith. PRITCHARD: I believe I'm going to have to request you to accompany me to Scotland Yard, Your Grace. BOOTH: (to Brennan) They request? BRENNAN: It's a polite country. JAMISON: (clearing his throat and stepping forward) That will not be necessary. It was I. DUKE GERARD BONHAM: Jamison! BOOTH: The butler? BRENNAN: You ordered your butler to kill Portia Frampton? JAMISON: The Duke had absolutely nothing to do with it. PAIGE BONHAM: If Jamison confesses, Harry need never know that Portia was his sister. We'll provide you with the finest representation. JAMISON: Thank you, mum. BOOTH: Wow. (Cut to: Restaurant near Tower Bridge. Booth, Brennan and Wexler are sitting at a table having drinks.) BOOTH: Come on, you mean to tell me that neither one of you get the weirdness of this. All right, the butler did it. It was the butler! WEXLER: Inspector Pritchard will be hours in the interrogation room but the fact is we'll never really know for certain. BRENNAN: You mean he might just be protecting the duke? WEXLER: It's utterly conceivable, yes. (Wexler gets up to leave but says to Brennan) Well, I thought I might try and entice you back to Oxford with me tonight. BOOTH: You know I do have a gun in England, and I really have been dying to use it. BRENNAN: I'll handle this. (She gets up and leads Wexler away from the table) BOOTH: (shouting after them) You know, it's a James Bond gun. It's a Walther PPK, by the way. BRENNAN: Ian, I think you're a lot of fun. WEXLER: Oh, hell's bells and buckets. I think I know where this is going. BRENNAN: It would upset Booth if I slept with you. WEXLER: You see, rationally speaking, if you were to have someone operate on your brain, for example, you would want a surgeon who's done the procedure many hundreds of times. You know, someone who's absolutely at the top of their game. I don't really see why s*x should be any different. BRENNAN: Rationally speaking, you're absolutely right. WEXLER: Good. Then, we're settled. Off we go. (to Booth) Look out for the bridge opening, they say it's good luck. (to Brennan) That should keep him occupied for hours. BRENNAN: Common sense says you don't offend your partner for an hour of fun. WEXLER: An hour. What? One hour? You underestimate me, Dr. Brennan. (she leans over and kisses him on the cheek) This is absolutely the dregs, isn't it? I'll call you again before you leave. Who knows? You could be in a more rational frame of mind. (Ian walks away and Brennan heads back over by Booth and sits down) BOOTH: Why are you looking at me like that? I'm just here to help you pick out a guy, you know. Never mind. I'm just here to bring a little luck. BRENNAN: I don't believe in luck. (The Tower Bridge starts opening behind them, but neither notice.) BOOTH: What do you mean, you don't believe in luck? Okay, well, how do you explain when good things happen out of nowhere? BRENNAN: Define "good things." BOOTH: You know, good things. Money in the bank. Uh, hey, Doris Day parking, a big piece of- BRENNAN: What's Doris Day parking? BOOTH: A big piece of the pie, that's good luck. BRENNAN: I call that a solipsistic perceptual response to the random nature of the Universe. BOOTH: Well, tomato, potato. Call it what you want. You know what? It's still luck. BRENNAN:You are lucky I understand you when you say things that make no sense. BOOTH: See, you just agreed with me that is was luck. You just agreed, right there, so I'll take that. BRENNAN: I did not agree! (Crossfade into Yank in the UK Part II) END.
Plan: A: two-hour; Q: How long is the season premiere of American Crime Story? A: Oxford University; Q: Where are Booth and Brennan when the season premiere begins? A: England; Q: In what country are Booth and Brennan in the first episode of season two? A: a conference; Q: What are Booth and Brennan at Oxford University for? A: a case; Q: What are Booth and Brennan called to London to help solve? A: collaboration; Q: What type of relationship do Booth and Brennan have with the British investigators? A: a pair; Q: How many British investigators are Booth and Brennan working with in the season premiere? A: Scotland Yard; Q: What British police force is Booth and Brennan working with in the season premiere? A: Angela's estranged husband; Q: Who is Grayson Barasa? A: the dismay; Q: How does Angela feel when her husband refuses to sign divorce papers? A: one; Q: How many British investigators are murdered in the season premiere? A: the murder; Q: What do Booth and Brennan become more determined to help solve? A: their marriage; Q: What do Angela and Hodgins continue to have relationship problems regarding? Summary: This two-hour season premiere, begins when Booth and Brennan are at Oxford University in Oxford , England for a conference. They are then called to London to help solve a case in collaboration with a pair of British investigators from Scotland Yard . Meanwhile, Angela's estranged husband, Grayson Barasa, is finally found, but he refuses to sign the divorce papers, much to the dismay of Hodgins and Angela. When one of the British investigators is murdered, Booth and Brennan become more determined to help solve the murder. Meanwhile, Angela and Hodgins continue to have relationship problems regarding their marriage.
Outside the school at the basketball courts Spinner: Shoot! Yeah. It's alright, alright. Sean: What are you looking at fag? Marco: What? Sean: You can't take your eyes off of me. Marco: Yeah. As if buddy. Jimmy: Come on guys. Let's play. Spinner: Hey Jimmy, how 'bout your team is skins now? Marco: So I get it, you just want to see me take my shirt off. Is that it? Sean: No. Spinner: No. Marco: (Shoots a basket) There. Who's the man now? Jimmy: Hey just do that while we're actually playing. Spinner: Alright girls. We having a game or not? In the hallway Ellie: You're sure I look okay? Marco: Since when do you care about what people think anyways? Ellie: I don't really, just certain people. Marco: Well I think you look great. Hipper than hip. Oh hey Jim! Yeah wait up! Uh I'll see you later. Ashley: What no kiss goodbye? Ellie: I wish. He's a great friend but- Ashley: But you want more, right? (Ellie nods and the bell rings.) In Mr. Simpson's class Mr. Simpson: Okay big day for you guys. Dr. Sally is back. Ellie: Who's Dr. Sally? Mr. Simpson: s*x health educator. Very frank. Very informed. Jimmy: Mr. S? I'm all for the s*x talk of course, but didn't we do this last year? Mr. Simpson: You did, but there's always more to learn about healthy sexual relations, sexual identity, being gay positive... Spinner: Sure he doesn't mean HIV positive? Mr. Simpson: Gavin! Derogatory jokes are not acceptable ever. Intolerance comes from ignorance so it's good you're seeing Dr. Sally in health today. Hey uh, she's a valuable resource so make use of her okay? Ask her those burning questions. In Mr. Armstrong's class Dr. Sally: Now if you do decide to have s*x, then it must be condoms, condoms, condoms and that kind of respect is key in heterosexual and same-sex relationships. Spinner: Same s*x. Jimmy: It's two guys. Mr. Armstrong: Gentlemen. Floor's yours. Don't be shy. Jimmy: Oh um most guys, chicks turn them on. Spinner: Oh yeah. Jimmy: Right. Okay so gay guys, how does seeing another guy do it for them? Dr. Sally: The same way as seeing an attractive female does it for straight guys. Paige: Um my older brother's gay and he's known forever. Says he was born that way. Dr. Sally: Well that's one thought. Some people think it's genetic. Ashley: Wouldn't that mean that gay parents have gay children? Dr. Sally: Well if a child is born with the so-called 'gay gene', then yes it's possible. Terri: Some people say it's a sin. Dr. Sally: Which is the greater sin: being yourself or pretending to be somebody you're not? In Media Immersion, Toby is waving to Kendra from outside the classroom Mr. Simpson: Now sometimes referred to simply as the processor or central processor, the CPU is where most calculations take place. In essence it's the brain of your computer, the part your computer uses to think. It processes data and any instructions you give to it, either directly or through a program. (Toby starts blowing kisses to Kendra.) Kendra: What is he doing? Mr. Simpson: Now the speed it works at helps determine how quickly you can do your work on the machine. This rate is referred to as the central processing speed and it is measured in megahertz. Nadia: I think it's kind of cute! Kendra: And kind of obsessed. Mr. Simpson: Kendra tell your boyfriend that class time is my time, not his. Kendra: Sorry Mr. Simpson! Mr. Simpson: In terms of computer power the CPU is the most important element. In Mr. Armstrong's classroom Mr. Armstrong: Thank you Dr. Sally. Dr. Sally: You're welcome. Mr. Armstrong: Everybody don't forget to pick up your sample packs on the way out and to re-cap for more information you can go to Dr. Sally's website. The address is on the board and every Wednesday night there's a gay/lesbian/bi/transgender youth meeting at the community center on Church. Check it out. Ellie: Dr. Sally. Hey. Dr. Sally: Go ahead. I've heard everything. Ellie: It's about a boy. I like him, he likes me...at least as a friend. Dr. Sally: But not-? Ellie: I don't know. I told him I liked him, but nothing's happened. Dr. Sally: Guys get nervous too. Why don't you talk to him. Be brave. Talk to him some more. (Ellie nods and Spinner hands Ellie a care package.) Spinner: Here you go. Hey Marcie don't forget your femme-care. Marco: Shut up. Spinner: What, distracted by Dr. Sally's advice on boy-on-boy love? Marco: Spinner shut up, okay? Spinner: Um it was a joke, dude. Jimmy: Look just tune him out. He's just trying to get you started. Marco: I hate fags okay? What they do makes me sick. Jimmy: Hey Marco... Marco: So just quit it. I mean like yesterday, okay? Outside the school, during lunch Toby: Your eyes are so beautiful. They have flecks of green, gold, topaz. Kendra: Really? Toby: Yeah. JT: Uh hi I'm still here! Trying to eat. Kendra: Sorry. We must be pretty gross. JT: Eh, not so much. *Toby and Kendra hold hands* Oh I'm so lying. See ya guys. Kendra: Toby? Toby: Mm hmm? Kendra: Maybe JT has a point. Toby: JT? A point? That's a new one. Kendra: Seriously. Maybe we should, you know, cool it or something. Toby: What do you mean? Kendra: When you blew kisses at me in Simpson's class I got in trouble. Toby: Yeah me too. Kwan didn't think I needed that much bathroom time. I was thinking about your English troubles. Kendra: You're sweet Toby, but I'm fine. Toby: No I want to help. So I've scheduled some tutoring sessions for the two of us, and some study breaks to be together. Kendra: Wednesday's my hockey practice. Toby: Don't you think your English marks are a little more important than that? Kendra: No. No they're not. So just please stop. In Mr. Simpson's class Mr. Simpson: Now if your group is watching carefully you should be able to note the film maker's tricks. Pay attention to the narrative in voiceover techniques, consider the editing choices. How is music influencing the filmmaker's point of view, okay? All projects are due on Friday. Have a good one guys. Guys I'll be back in a few minutes to close up shop, okay? Marco: Uh yeah no problem Mr. Simpson. (Marco checks out the Dr. Sally website and looks up 'sexual orientation'.) Spinner: Hey Marco! (Marco quickly tries to close down the page before Spinner sees it.) Spinner: Are you walking home with us or not? Marco: Uh no. No that's okay. Uh I'll just see you guys tomorrow. Spinner: Okay... Outside Marco: But I like the sour keys. Ellie: Sure they're good, but there's a whole gummi world to explore. Here. Marco? Marco: Sorry, what? Ellie: It's not so easy for me to ask. Marco: Oh well I'm listening. I am. Ellie: Okay well are we just friends? Marco: Ellie I like you, a lot, and I mean you like me too, right? (Ellie nods.) Marco: So let's go out. On a real date. Ellie: You're serious? Marco: Yeah totally. At the movies (Marco and Ellie are watching a movie, Ellie tries to hold his hand but Marco pretends to sneeze and pulls away.) Outside, on their way to school Ashley: The Media Immersion group is meeting at my house at 7, okay? Terri: Sure. I'll bring the tape. Ashley: Weird having Jimmy over again. Terri: Well he's in our group. Ashley: Hey El! Wait up. Can I meet you inside? (Terri leaves and Ashley walks over to Ellie.) Ashley: El, hold on. Ellie: Please don't make this into some cheesy girl-talk scene. I'm fine. Ashley: Okay. Let me guess, bad date? Ellie: No I had fun. I always have fun with Marco, but that was all. Ashley: Oh. No kiss? Not even goodnight? Ellie: Maybe he doesn't like me that way. Ashley: Or um maybe he doesn't like girls. Ellie: From Spinner I'd expect that, but from you...disappointing. Ashley: I'm just concerned. Ellie: Because? Ashley: What my family went through before my dad came out, not fun. Ellie: And not relevant. Marco's straight. At Kendra's locker, Toby is putting up a bunch of pictures and cutout hearts Manny: Someone's in love. Toby: Yeah, but uh I think she's mad at me. Manny: And you're doing this for her? (Toby nods.) Manny: Big mistake. Trust me Toby it'll make her feel smothered. Toby: Smothered? No it'll show her I care. Kendra: Toby? What are you doing? Toby: For you. Kendra: Thanks. (She opens her locker, tearing through some of the pictures Toby put up and she leaves quickly.) Manny: Told ya. [SCENE_BREAK] In the boys locker room Spinner: Hey Marcie! Aren't you in the wrong change room? Jimmy: Shut up idiot. You're good for one joke a year and you repeat it over and over and over. Marco: Nah I don't care how many jokes this guy makes because um, I'm the one with the girlfriend. Jimmy: Serious? Who? Marco: Ellie. Jimmy: Um Ellie's your friend who is a girl, but she's not your girlfriend. They're different things. Marco: Well not after last night. Spinner: Okay Del Rossi. Details. Marco: Burgers, movie, long walk home... Jimmy: How far did you get? Third base? Second base? Did you make out? Marco: Yeah the last one. Uh we like kissed for like forever. Spinner: And you're a bad liar. In a classroom Teacher: I want each of you to write a two page essay about your dream career. Don't worry about being practical. This exercise is about hopes, not fears. Toby: My fear is that Kendra hates me. My hope is that I die. JT: Give me a break. Toby: She wants to dump me. Teacher: What'd I say about talking? JT: Sorry sir. Toby: Can I be excused? Teacher: No you can start the exercise. Outside the school Sean: Hey it's Marco's girlfriend or is it his wife? I really can't keep up. Marco: Just a minute guys. Hey Ellie. Ellie: Hey. Marco: I had a really great time last night. Ellie: Yeah me too. Marco: But I sort of forgot something. (He leans in and kisses her.) Jimmy: Woo! Spinner: Marco! Sean: Yeah! Marco: They're waiting. See you later? Ellie: Mm hmm. Spinner: Yo Marco. Jimmy: Things are looking up for you buddy. In the hallway, after Kendra's soccer game Kendra: That play was amazing. I mean it was like the ball was waiting for me to kick it. It was so cool. Hey! Toby? Where are you going? Toby: What do you care? Kendra: Oh come on! Toby: No! You don't like me. I'm smothering you. Kendra: I never said that. Toby: You didn't have to. At Ashley's house, they're watching a video on TV Spinner: What's that? Terri: Go back to sleep Spin. Jimmy: Shot 126 of a road. Save me. Ashley: Pizza's here. Jimmy: I'm saved! Marco: Uh guys, ladies first, huh? Spinner: Oh well then after you Marco. (Ellie gets up.) Spinner: Aw did we offend Ellie? Jimmy: Gee, you think? Ellie: Don't flatter yourselves. I'm going to the bathroom. (Ellie gives Marco a look telling him to follow her.) Marco: Uh I'm just gonna get some water. Ashley: Oh I'll get it. Marco: No it's okay. I can get it. (He gets up and follows Ellie upstairs.) Ashley: I didn't know my kitchen was upstairs. Upstairs at Ashley's house Marco: You wanted to talk? (Ellie leans in and kisses him.) Ellie: Sorry. Marco: No that was great. (Ellie kisses him again.) Ellie: You're shaking. Should we go downstairs? Marco: No. I want to be here. (They begin kissing and Marco pulls away.) Ellie: Could've fooled me. Marco: Ellie I like you and I want to kiss you. Ellie: Then kiss me. Am I doing something wrong? Marco: No Ellie you're perfect. Ellie: But you don't think I'm attractive. Marco: You're beautiful. Ellie: That's not what I mean. Do you think I'm hot? (Marco doesn't say anything.) Ellie: It's a simple question. Do you like girls at all? Marco: Ellie I want to. Ellie: And I want you to so much, but if you can't it's not fair to leave me hanging. Please. Please would you tell me! Marco: Ellie I don't know! Ellie...I'm just, I'm trying. I am, but I'm just so confused. At Toby's locker, Toby is taking down pictures of Kendra JT: I think maybe you're overreacting. Toby: What was I thinking? Me, Toby Isaacs with a girlfriend. As if a girl would ever like me. JT: Hard to believe. I know, but Kendra does. Toby: Kendra doesn't. Kendra: Kendra speaks for herself, thanks. Toby: Just go ahead. Fine. Break up with me. Kendra: Oh is that why I'm here? Toby I like you- Toby: But just as friends. Kendra: That's exactly it. Right there! Toby: What? Kendra: You answering for me, just being there constantly! Toby: You can't stand being around me! Kendra: (She kisses him) I love being around you, just not all the time okay? At Marco's locker Jimmy: Marco Del Studdly. Spinner: Now officially Marco was just getting a glass of water, of course. Jimmy: Of course and how did that glass of water taste? Sweet? Marco: Like sugar man. You guys can be officially jealous of me now. Ellie: Jealous of what? Jimmy: Of you two and you're extended bathroom break Friday night. Ellie: You should be totally jealous. (Ellie kisses Marco.) Jimmy: Sweet. (Jimmy and Spinner leave.) Marco: El... Ellie: You're welcome, but I can't pretend forever. You can't either. Marco: I know. Ellie: I was thinking that gay youth group Mr. Armstrong mentioned...if you ever wanted to go check it out, I could come... Marco: Ellie! Ellie: Sorry. Marco: No thank you. Really. It's just that I'm not ready for that yet, okay? Ellie: When you are, I'm there. (They hug.)
Plan: A: Emma; Q: Who has the worst hair day ever? A: their old friends; Q: Who is Emma with as she prepares for Snake and Spike's wedding? A: children; Q: What does Snake not want to have? A: their relationship; Q: What does Emma want to salvage by getting an abortion? A: Sean; Q: Who does Manny invite to the wedding when Emma had specifically said she didn't want him to? A: Mr. Simpson's bachelor's party; Q: Where do J.T. and Toby want to see the stripper? Summary: Emma and their old friends prepare for Snake and Spike's wedding, but nothing seems to be going right at all. After finding out that Snake doesn't want to have children, she is later surprised to find out she is pregnant and contemplates getting an abortion in order to salvage their relationship. Meanwhile, Emma is having the worst hair day ever and grows more upset when Manny invites Sean to the wedding when she had specifically said he wasn't someone to invite. Also, J.T. and Toby want to see the stripper at Mr. Simpson's bachelor's party.
Forest Corpses of knights in the mist. Amongst them, Sir Leon, lying on his back, he seems to be dead. [SCENE_BREAK] Council Chamber Uther holds a Pendragon knight cape that is blood stained and torn. Uther: It was Cenred who did this, you're certain of it? Arthur: Yes my lord. His messenger has only this minute departed from Camelot. Cenred said that the patrol trespassed on his land, and an example had to be made. Uther: How many dead? Arthur: All of them, Sire. Every last man. Uther: The knights? Arthur: All lost. Edric, Alduuf... Osric... And Sir Leon. People stare at each other in the council chamber, the atmosphere is gloomy. [SCENE_BREAK] Forest A group of people are looking for survivors amongst the bodies of the knights. Man: Here! They gather around Sir Leon. A man kneels and examines him. This man is a druid. Iseldir: Quick! Help me. We do not have much time. Ready? They carry Sir Leon in a cave. [SCENE_BREAK] Druids' cave Sir Leon is still alive but looks very weak. Iseldir: His spirit leaves him. We must hurry. Druids: (chanting) Buthed gwared...hrag pob ailed... Iseldir goes near Sir Leon with a cup. Druids: (chanting) Hrag pob evnis... boyd un thilis. They repeat the incantation while Iseldir makes Sir Leon drink from the cup. Sir Leon opens his eyes, he seems to feel better. Iseldir: Welcome back. - Opening Credits - Council Chamber Arthur is welcoming Sir Leon. Arthur: We thought you were dead for sure. Sir Leon: I was dead, or as good as, until the druids found me. Uther: Druids? Sir Leon: Yes my Lord, I owe them my life. Uther: How did they heal you? You were as good as dead, you said. Sir Leon: I don't know. Uther: Did they use magic? Sir Leon: Well, I... Uther: Yes or no? It's a simple enough question. Sir Leon: I only know that I drank from some kind of cup, Sire. Uther: Cup? Sir Leon: It was extraordinary my Lord. I have known nothing like it. From the moment it touched my lips I could feel my life return to me. In the room people look puzzled. Uther: Well...your trials have left you weary I 'm sure. We must let him rest. Uther leaves the room; Morgana and Merlin are staring at each other. [SCENE_BREAK] Sir Leon's chamber Gaius examines Sir Leon. Sir Leon: Is that it? Gaius: That's it. He is exhausted, Sire, and seriously dehydrated, but given time and he'll make a fully recovery. Arthur: Thank you Gaius. Gaius leaves the room, followed by Uther and by Merlin. [SCENE_BREAK] Corridor Uther: Well? Gaius: It's remarkable, Sire. He bears no sign of any kind of wound. He is in perfect health. Uther: And the cup he spoke of? Gaius: From his description, I would say it was the Cup of Life. Merlin stares at Gaius in disbelief. Uther: You are aware of its power Gaius? Gaius: I am, indeed Sire. But the druids are peaceful people. They would only ever use the cup for good. Sir Leon is surely proof of that. Uther: Be that as it may, according to Sir Leon's description, the druids' cave lies within Cenred's kingdom. It is imperative that we get to the cup before he does. Gaius: My lord, druids are secretive by nature. They will have the cup well hidden. Might it not be wise to leave it where it is? Uther: I'm not prepared to take that risk. Uther leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius's chamber Merlin: I thought the cup was destroyed with Nimueh when I defeated her on the Isle of the Blessed. Gaius: The cup cannot be destroyed. Its magic is eternal, unbound by time or place. Merlin: But why does Uther fear it so much? Gaius: Because the cup can be used for evil as well as good. Merlin: I don't understand. Gaius: Many centuries ago, it fell into the possession of a great warlord. One night, he gathered his army before him. He took a drop of blood from each and every man and collected it in the cup. Such was the vessel's power that the soldiers were made immortal where they stood. Merlin: So they could not be killed. Gaius: The carnage they wrought was beyond all imagining. The King's no fool. He knows that the forces of the Old Religion are rising against him once more. Heaven forbid that the cup should fall into the hands of Morgause. Merlin: Or Morgana. Gaius: With Such a weapon at their disposal, Camelot would be all but lost. [SCENE_BREAK] Corridor Uther is waiting. Arthur: You called for me Father. Uther: Cenred is our sworn enemy. We cannot risk him getting his hand on the Cup of Life. Arthur: I know, Father. Uther: You must retrieve it. Your mission must remain secret; you can speak to no-one of this. Morgana is hidden nearby, spying on them. Arthur: I will take only my most trusted men. Uther: We've seen what happened to the last patrol that entered Cenred's land. You must go alone. I'm sorry to place such a burden upon you, but there is no one else I can trust. Arthur: I understand, Father. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chamber Merlin is packing. Arthur: You will be ready by sunrise, won't, you Merlin? Merlin: If I don't know where we're going, how do I know what to pack? Will it be hot? Will it be cold? Will it be wet? Will it be dry? Arthur: Don't be such a girl, Merlin. We're not going on holiday. Merlin: Holiday? What's a holiday? Merlin begins to pack a red Camelot cape. Arthur: Not that. Nothing bearing the crest of Camelot. We're going under cover. Merlin: This is ridiculous. Are you going to tell me where we're going or not? Arthur: Well, I can tell you it will be dangerous Merlin: Great(!) Arthur: And I can tell you we will be travelling through bandit-infested lands. Merlin: Terrific. Then where? Arthur: I can't tell you that. Merlin: You don't know where we're going. Arthur: No, Merlin. I know where we're going. It's just, I can't tell you, that's all. Merlin: (joking) Right. Cos if you do, you'll have to kill me, I suppose. Arthur: Immediately and without hesitation. Merlin: Great. Arthur grins. Merlin: It'll be a surprise. I love surprises. Who doesn't love a good surprise? [SCENE_BREAK] Castle vaults Morgana walks in the vaults, she stops, smirks and turns. Morgause shows up. Morgause: What is it you wanted to tell me, sister? Morgana: Arthur rides at dawn. He's been sent to recover some kind of cup. The Cup of Life, they called it? Morgause: The Cup of Life - Are you sure? Morgana: I heard every word. Morgause: How long I have searched for it... Morgana: Is it as powerful as they believe? Morgause: Oh, yes. Trust me, sister, with the cup in our possession, Camelot would soon be at our mercy. Where is the cup now? Morgana: It's in the hands of the druids. All I know is that their camp lies within Cenred's kingdom. Morgause: Then perhaps Cenred will be of use to us again. He has spies everywhere. If he can have Arthur followed... Morgana: Then Arthur will lead us all the way to the cup itself. Morgause nods and they both laugh. [SCENE_BREAK] Morgana's chamber From her window, Morgana watches Arthur and Merlin leaving the castle [SCENE_BREAK] Countryside Arthur and Merlin are galloping trough the countryside. Three men are spying on them, and then they ride to Cenred's castle. [SCENE_BREAK] Cenred's castle Morgause: Which way was the Prince heading? Spy: For the Forest of Ascetir, my lady. Cenred: Send word to the scouts in the area. They must be prepared. Spy: Yes, Sire. Morgause: Can your scouts be relied upon? Cenred: Of course. I handpicked them myself. Morgause: Why does that not reassure me? Cenred: Do not concern yourself, my lady. The Cup of Life will soon be in our hands, and when it is, Camelot will be ours. Morgause: You forget yourself, Cenred. It is Morgana that will take the throne, not you or I. Cenred: I make no claim upon the throne, only the spoils of victory. Morgause: You will get what you deserve, Cenred. (Caressing Cenred's face) I can assure you of that. [SCENE_BREAK] Forest Merlin: We're going to Cenred's Kingdom, aren't we? Arthur: What makes you say that? Merlin: Er, we're in the Forest of Ascetir. We're not stopping. Arthur: You can think what you like, Merlin. Merlin: Come on! You might as well tell me. Arthur: Then I'd have to kill you. I told you that. Merlin: Go ahead. I'm probably going to die anyway. Look at what happened to the patrol that came here! Dead, the lot of them! Arthur: Sir Leon survived. Merlin: Right, so that gives me, what? A one in 40 chance of making it? Arthur: Rather less, actually. There are only two of us. Merlin: So I'm not probably going to die, I'm DEFINITELY going to die. Arthur: Always the pessimist, Merlin. Who knows, maybe, just this once, we'll have no trouble. Arthur gets shot in the neck by a dart and he falls from his horse. Merlin: Maybe you're right. If past experience is anything to go by... Merlin gets shot in the neck by a dart and he falls from his horse too. [SCENE_BREAK] Jail Merlin is waking up in some kind of jail. The floor is covered with straw. There are people around him, staring at him. The scene is fuzzy. Arthur slaps Merlin's face to wake him up. Merlin: What was that you were saying about me being a pessimist? Arthur: Must've slipped my mind. Arthur helps Merlin to stand up. A hand touches Arthur's shoulder. Arthur: (grabbing the hand) Touch me again, you die. Merlin: Gwaine?! Gwaine: No manners you royals. Merlin, old friend, you look terrible. Merlin: Likewise. Arthur: What are you doing here? Gwaine: Well, you know, wrong place, wrong time, wrong drink. Arthur: Nothing's changed there, then. Gwaine: That's just not fair. Arthur: Where exactly are we? Gwaine: The bowels of an old castle. Belongs to a fella names Jarl. Arthur: Never heard of him. Gwaine: Lovely bloke. Slave trader. Merlin: We're going to be sold as slaves? Jarl: Right, you filthy vermin. Which one of you is ready to face my champion in the arena? No volunteers? Well, I shall have to choose one of you toe rags myself, then. Let me see... How about you? He points to Merlin, who looks around. Merlin: Me? Jarl: Death or glory, boy. You should be honoured. Arthur: Who is this so-called champion? Can he crush nothing but weaklings like this? Jarl: You think you could offer a better contest? Arthur: I guarantee it. Merlin: Arthur, no. Jarl: Very well... But if you lose, I'll feed your little friend to the crows piece by stinking piece. Are you ready, my champion? Gwaine: I am. Arthur and Merlin taken aback look at Gwaine. Gwaine gives them a sorry smile. [SCENE_BREAK] Cenred's castle Morgause: How could you let this happen? You let Arthur slip through your fingers. Cenred: He was taken before my men could get to him. Morgause: Taken? By whom, exactly? Cenred: The slave trader, Jarl. He's been working our western border for months. Morgause: And you let him? Cenred: We have an understanding. He doesn't bother me, and I don't bother him. Morgause: And where is this Jarl now? Cenred: Don't worry, Morgause. I'll find him soon enough. Morgause: See that you do. Cenred: Are you threatening me? Morgause: Trust me, Cenred, when I am threatening you, you'll know about it. [SCENE_BREAK] Jarl's den Raucous men push Arthur and Gwaine in the middle of the arena. Jarl: Gentlemen, the rules are simple. One man lives and one man dies. If you cannot or will not finish off your opponent... I'll kill you both. Jarl throws swords at their feet. Jarl: Let battle commence! Gwaine and Arthur start fighting. The crowd cheers. Arthur: Take it easy, will you? Gwaine: It's got to look real, hasn't it? Arthur: Fine. If it's real you want... Arthur and Gwaine continue fighting. They drop their swords and wrestle on the ground. Arthur: So far, so good. Gwaine: What comes next? Arthur: Er...there was no next. Jarl: Finish him! Merlin: Forbaern aeltaewlice. Fire spreads along the ropes above the people. The men are panicking. It is chaos. Gwaine, Arthur, and Merlin manage to escape. They run out of the fortress. [SCENE_BREAK] Forest They stop, panting for breath. Gwaine: Now, that's somewhere I'll not be in a hurry to see again. Arthur: Best stay out of trouble, then. Gwaine: I could say the same to you. Arthur: You could do, but I wouldn't have any idea what you're talking about. Gwaine: C'mon. You must have done something to end up in a hole like that. Arthur: Actually, we're on a quest. Merlin: We're looking for the Cup of Life. Arthur smacks the back of Merlin's head. Merlin: What? Arthur: What part of the word "secret" did you not understand? Merlin: It's... Gwaine. Gwaine: Gentlemen, gentlemen. It seems whatever it is that you're after - you could use a little help. Arthur does not like that pleased but ends by nodding his assent. [SCENE_BREAK] Jarl's den Jarl: No-one makes a fool of Jarl. No-one! I want to know who they are and where they're hiding! Bandit: My lord... The bandit brings Arthur's bag. Jarl: What's that?! Bandit: It was confiscated from the prisoners, my lord. It may hold some clues. Jarl: I don't want clues. I want blood! Jarl searches the bag and finds nothing. Jarl: Ugh! He throws the bag to the floor and it jingles. Jarl cuts open the inside and finds coins and a sealed note. Jarl: Well, well, well. It seems we were entertaining royalty. He cackles. [SCENE_BREAK] Forest Gwaine: So according to Merlin here, if you tell me where this cup is, you have to kill me. Arthur: That's correct. Gwaine: You may as well tell me, then. I mean, let's be honest - you couldn't kill me even if you wanted to. Arthur: Yeah? Try me. Gwaine: I already did. Back in the arena. I had you bang to rights, did I not? Arthur: That... was just a game. Gwaine: Oh, a game, right. I won that game, did I not? Arthur: No, you didn't. One more minute... Merlin looks more and more fed up with the conversation. Merlin: One more minute and you both would've been dead. Neither of you won. You're plan was a half-baked disaster, and if it was not for that fire we would all be pushing up daisies. [SCENE_BREAK] Cenred's castle Cenred: You're certain it was Arthur? Jarl: Oh, yes. It was the prince, all right. Matched your description exactly. He had his servant with him. Him and another man. Morgause: And do you have proof of this? Jarl shows the note found in Arthur's bag. Cenred: Where were they headed? Jarl: West. Into the Forest of Gedney. They've no horses. Their tracks told us as much. You'll soon run them down. Cenred: Excellent. Jarl: Always glad to be of help to, people of qualities such as yourselves. Perhaps some small compensation for my, time and trouble? Morgause: Oh, my dear man, how remiss of me. You will have your reward this instant. Morgause uses magic to kill Jarl by throwing him against the wall. [SCENE_BREAK] Forest Arthur, Merlin, and Gwaine stop and look at the entrance of the druids' cave. Merlin: Well, don't tell me. We're actually here. Gwaine: Easy, Merlin. Wouldn't want to rile the Prince. Arthur, Gwaine, and Merlin go into the cave. The cave looks empty but there candles lit everywhere. Arthur: It has to be here somewhere. Arthur sheaths his sword. He notices a cloth move and pulls a small druid boy out of hiding. Arthur: Where is it? Hmm? He shakes the boy. Arthur: Where's the cup? Tell me. Merlin: Let him go, Arthur. He's just a boy. Arthur: Where...is it? Merlin: Arthur. Gwaine draws his sword. Arthur: Stay out of this, Merlin. Merlin: No, Arthur, really. Druids surround them. Arthur looks up and pulls his sword on the boy. Arthur: One step closer... Iseldir: There is no need for violence, Arthur Pendragon. The boy has done you no harm. Release him. Arthur: Not without what I came for. Iseldir: You seek the Cup of Life, do you not? Arthur: I do. Iseldir pulls out the cup. Iseldir: It is yours. Please, now... the boy. Arthur lets the boy go and grabs the cup, but Iseldir doesn't let go. Iseldir: You meddle with a power you do not understand. Arthur Pendragon. By taking the Cup of Life you risk more than you know. Arthur grabs the cup. Arthur: I'll take my chances, thanks. Let's go. Arthur, Gwaine, and Merlin turn to leave. Iseldir (in Merlin's head): 'Emrys'. Merlin turns and looks at Iseldir. Iseldir (telepathy): 'The cup is in your care now. Guard it well. The future of this land depends on it.' Merlin catches up with Arthur and Gwaine out of the cave. Gwaine: Hard work this quest business. Arthur: Trust me, it's a great deed we did here today. Merlin: Are you sure the cup wasn't safer with the druids? Arthur: They can't be trusted, Merlin. No one can. The only safe place for the cup is the vaults of Camelot. Merlin (mumbling): Yeah, but we have to get it there first. Cenred and his soldiers are watching them. Cenred: Get the cup... then kill them. Arthur: We're approaching the border of Cenred's lands. Beyond the forest lies Camelot. Gwaine: And food and water and a nice hot bath. Arthur: Quiet. They stop. Arthur: Listen! The forest is completely silent. Merlin: I can't hear anything. Arthur: Exactly. Gwaine: Never satisfied, you city types. It's too noisy, it's too quiet... Cenred's men jump out of hiding. Arthur: Run! Soldiers start chasing them. Arthur is shot in the leg by an arrow. Arthur falls unconscious. The soldier takes the cup from Arthur's bag. Merlin uses magic to knock the soldier out, but the cup goes flying and then rolls down on a hill, straight into the hands of Cenred's men below. Gwaine: Merlin! In the forest, the night has fallen, Gwaine and Merlin inspect Arthur's wound. Gwaine: Right. That doesn't look too great. Merlin: Arrow must've been poisoned. He's got a fever. We need to keep him warm. Merlin takes off his jacket to cover Arthur. Gwaine: I don't get it. Why all this bother over a cup? Merlin: Because in the wrong hands it can become a terrible weapon. Gwaine: Not so great Cenred's got it, then. Merlin: It's worse than you can possibly imagine. [SCENE_BREAK] Cenred's castle Cenred's soldiers are gathered. Cenred and Morgause bring the cup. Cenred: Loyal friends...our time is at hand. From today no sword will fell you, no spear will stop you short. Your blood will not be spilled in vain, but in victory. You march with the mightiest weapon of them all: immortality. Morgause: (casting a spell) Gegadra anne here from pise bune and heora blod... Swa paet he ne abuge and ne swelte noht,ac libbe a on ecnysse. Morgause lifts the cup, then cuts a soldier's hand and pours the blood into the cup. [SCENE_BREAK] Council chamber Uther: Arthur should be back by now. Sir Leon: I'm sure there's a simple explanation, Sire. Uther: You know as well as I do he's been gone too long. Take a patrol, as many men as you need. Whatever it takes, find him. Sir Leon: Yes, Sire. Sir Leon leaves. Morgana: You show great strength, my lord. Uther: What do you mean? Morgana: Day after day you must send your only son into danger. Uther: Not a responsibility any father would wish to bear. Morgana: You must try not to worry. He's the First Knight of Camelot and your greatest warrior. He's made it home safe in the past. Why should this time be any different? Uther: You're right. Of course you are. [SCENE_BREAK] Forest Merlin and Gwaine sit by a dying fire camp. Arthur lies on the ground, shivering with fever. Merlin: We need more firewood. Gwaine: You're right about that. Merlin: D'you want to go and get some? Gwaine: Not really. Thanks for asking. Merlin: There's wolves out there. Bears, boars... Gwaine: Exactly. Merlin: I'm not a warrior. I can't defend myself like you. Gwaine: Never too late to learn... (silence) Merlin, don't you know when someone's joking with you? If I die collecting firewood, keep it to yourself. I got my reputation to consider. Gwaine walks off. Merlin kneels over Arthur. Merlin: Gehalge ... Gehalge. Come on. Arthur, come on. The spell does not work. [SCENE_BREAK] Cenred's castle Cenred and Morgause watch the army of immortals leaving the castle. Cenred: Magnificent, aren't they? My army of immortals. Morgause: YOUR army? Cenred: Well, they are my men. Morgause: Correction. They WERE your men. It is I that made them immortal - they are bound to me now. Cenred: Do not think for one moment that you can cross me, my lady. Morgause: Cross you? Never. (casting a spell) Ic bebiode the thine cyning cwellan! A soldier lifts his sword. Cenred: What are you doing? Morgause: Have I not always been honest with you, Cenred? Cenred draws his sword. Cenred: Stop! Stop, you answer to me not to her. A brief fight starts. Cenred pierces the soldier through with his sword, but the man does not fall. Cenred: Morgause, Morgause, Make him stop! Please, I beg you. Make him stop! The soldier disarms Cenred and knocks him to the floor. Morgause: Did I not say that, when I threatened you, you'd know about it? The soldier raises his sword. Morgause: Well, now you know. Cenred: Morgause, please...! The soldier runs Cenred through and kills him. [SCENE_BREAK] Countryside On the top of a hill a patrol of Camelot watches Cenred's army marching. Sir Leon: My God! ... All right men, come on! They run through the woods, but they are caught by mounted soldiers. They try to flee. Sir Leon manages to throw one of mounted soldier from his horse. They start to fight, Sir Leon runs his sword through the soldier, but it does not kill him. Sir Leon is stunned and he has no other choice than running to save his life. [SCENE_BREAK] Forest In the camp, everybody is asleep. Arthur coughs and wakes up. Arthur: Where's the cup? Merlin and Gwaine wake up. Arthur: Where's the cup? Merlin: Cenred's men - they took it. Arthur: Then what are we still doing here?! Merlin: You were unconscious. Arthur: Always an excuse, Merlin. Arthur tries to get up, but groans with pain. Merlin and Gwaine get up to help him. Arthur: We have to get back to Camelot before it's too late [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot - Council Chamber In the town, the church bell tolls. Uther: We must convene the Council of War. Sir Leon: They cannot be stopped. The soldiers, Sire. They will not fall. Uther: What are you saying? Sir Leon: They will not die. Uther: Gather the Knights. Prepare whatever defences you can. Sir Leon: But Sire. Uther: DO IT! Morgana smirks. Sir Leon bows and leaves the chamber. Uther turns to Gaius. Uther: It's Cenred. It must be. How? The location of the cup was secret. Gaius: There's only one explanation, Sire. We have a traitor in our midst. Morgana still smirks. [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot's army prepares for war. From a window, Uther looks at his men gathered in the courtyard. Sir Leon, who is getting ready for the battle, looks really frightened. [SCENE_BREAK] Morgana's Chamber Gwen watches the immortal army marching towards Camelot, she looks frightened. Morgana comes in. Morgana: Gwen. Gwen: Is it true they attack at dawn? Morgana: I'm afraid so. Gwen: And no word from Arthur? Morgana: Nothing. Morgana does not really hide her satisfaction. Gwen: Then all is lost. We'll be massacred. Every last one of us. Morgana: Not everyone has to die. Gwen: What do you mean, "not everyone"? Morgana: Those that defy them - those that choose to fight - they will surely die. But those who do not resist, those who choose to welcome change... They will have a future here. Everyone has a choice, Gwen. Gwen: You know I have always been loyal to you, Morgana. And I always will be. Morgana smiles and takes her hands. Morgana: Then have no fear. No harm will come to you, I can promise you that. They hug. Gwen looks uneasy, Morgana smirks. [SCENE_BREAK] Countryside From the top of hill, Arthur, Merlin, and Gwaine watch a village on fire. Gwaine: What the hell happened? Arthur: I don't know. We need to hurry. We're still a day's march from Camelot. They resume their way to Camelot. Arthur is limping. They find the corpses of the Camelot knights. Arthur: A Camelot patrol. Merlin: There's not a single enemy body. Arthur: He's right. This wasn't a fight, this was a slaughter. Gwaine: Who could've done such a thing? Arthur: An army of men that cannot die. Come on. Arthur, Gwaine, and Merlin climb over another hill. They discover smoke rising from Camelot. On The way to the castle, they cross a battle field, the ground is strewn with bodies of Camelot's soldiers. Arthur: They never stood a chance. They arrive in the lower town, ruins are still smoking. Arthur struggles to open the door of a house. Gwaine: Here... let me. Gwaine kicks the door and they all enter the house that is dark and silent. Suddenly, some jumps in front of them waving a sword. Arthur and Gwaine take defensive stances. Merlin: Elyan! Elyan: I'm sorry. Merlin shuts the door. Arthur: Where is everyone? Elyan: I- I - I thought that... Arthur: Elyan, please, What happened? Elyan: They came out of nowhere. A mighty army. Weapons were useless against them. They were men, Sire, but not men... Nothing could kill them... Nothing. Arthur: Where's your sister? Where's Guinevere? Elyan: She was in the citadel when they attacked. Arthur: Then there's still hope. Elyan: Sire... The citadel's been taken. Arthur, Gwaine, Merlin, and Elyan leave the house. Arthur is limping more and more. Arthur: Let's go. Elyan: How much longer can he keep going like this? Merlin: I don't know [SCENE_BREAK] Castle They have to hide to avoid Cenred's men. It's getting more and more difficult for Arthur to stand. Gwaine: Where now? Arthur: Now, er... Now we, er... Merlin: Arthur, you can't go on. Arthur: We must. We must find the others... Merlin: You can't go on without treatment. Arthur: Guinevere... my father. Merlin: Elyan, do you know your way to the dungeons? Elyan: Yes, I think so. Merlin: Go with Gwaine. See if you can find them. Arthur: I'm going with them. Merlin: You're not. Arthur: That's an order. Merlin: To hell with your orders. You're coming with me. Merlin puts Arthur's arm around his shoulder and drags him down the corridor. They have to hide again to avoid a patrol. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius chamber The place is in a mess. Everything has been wrecked. Arthur: You're disobeying orders, Merlin. I'll have you in the stocks for this. Merlin: Fine. Now, stay put. And try not to move that leg. Merlin looks for a potion. He hears the sound of glass smashing in the cupboard. He picks up Arthur's sword and goes to check it out. Merlin yanks the door open. Merlin: Gaius! Gaius: Merlin! They hug. Merlin: Are you all right? Gaius: All the better for seeing you. Arthur clears his throat. Gaius: Arthur! Merlin (whispering): I tried to heal him, using magic, but it didn't work. Gaius nods and goes to Arthur. Arthur grunts with pain. Gaius: This may hurt a bit, Sire. Gaius examines the wound. Arthur groans. Arthur: Ah... Gaius: The wound is infected. I'll have to re-dress the leg to reduce the inflammation. Arthur: No, no, no. We haven't got time... Just give me something to keep going. Gaius: Yes, Sire. Merlin: It's the army of immortals, isn't it? Gaius: We'll be lucky to get away with our lives. Any of us. [SCENE_BREAK] Dungeon Gwaine and Elyan hidden in a corner, see Uther being dragged out of a cell by Cenred's soldiers. Uther: Where are you taking me? I am the King! I demand to know [SCENE_BREAK] Merlin's room Merlin is packing staff hidden under the floor of his room. He takes a big book and after a short hesitation, the flask of water the Fisher King gave him. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius chamber Gaius gives Arthur a potion. Gaius: The effect will be instant, Sire, but I cannot guarantee how long it'll last. Arthur: Thank you, Gaius. Gwaine and Elyan enter. Elyan: The King, Sire. He's alive. Arthur: Where is he? Gwaine: They're taking him to the throne room as we speak. Arthur: This may be my last chance. Merlin: Arthur, there's too many of them. You'll never make it. Arthur: I won't leave my father to die here alone. Gwaine, Elyan, take Gaius and make your way to the woods beyond the castle. I hope we meet again. Gwaine, Elyan, and Gaius leave. Arthur: Merlin, you should go with them. Merlin: Nah, I've seen the woods already. Arthur smiles. They sneak through the corridors. Arthur stumbles. Merlin: Are you all right? Arthur: Keep moving. [SCENE_BREAK] Throne hall Merlin and Arthur hide in a gallery above the Throne Room. The hall is packed. Soldiers force Uther to his knees in front of Morgause. Morgause: Well, Uther... How the mighty have fallen. Arthur makes a furious move, but Merlin grabs him. Merlin (whispering): The guards are immortal, they'll cut you to ribbons! What use are you dead?! Morgause: I don't think you'll be needing this anymore. Morgause removes Uther's crown. Uther: This is unlawful. You cannot do this. You have no right to the throne! Morgana: No, she does not. But I do. I am your daughter, after all. Don't look so surprised. I've known for some time. Shock dawns on Arthur's face. Morgana is seated on the throne. Morgause nods to a soldier, and the soldier shoves Geoffrey of Monmouth forward, he is holding the crown. Geoffrey: By the power vested in me... I crown thee Morgana Pendragon... Queen of Camelot. Geoffrey of Monmouth puts the crown on Morgana's head. The soldiers oblige Uther to bow. Morgana and Morgause smirk. Arthur looks at the scene with horror.
Plan: A: the Cup of Life; Q: What did the druids use to save Sir Leon's life? A: Uther; Q: Who ordered Arthur to retrieve the Cup of Life? A: Arthur; Q: Who was shot with a poisoned arrow? A: Morgana; Q: Who reveals her true allegiance to Morgause? A: Cenred; Q: Who did Morgause kill? A: Jarl; Q: Who captured Arthur and Gwaine? A: fellow prisoner Gwaine; Q: Who helped Arthur escape the slave trader Jarl? A: an immortal army; Q: What does Morgause use to take over Camelot? A: the citadel; Q: Where do Arthur and Merlin find Elyan and Gaius? A: Gaius; Q: Who is the name of the man who is still alive in the citadel after Morgause takes over? A: horror; Q: How did Merlin and Arthur feel when Morgana revealed her true allegiance? A: Queen of Camelot; Q: What title is given to Morgana? Summary: After the druids save Sir Leon's life with the Cup of Life, Uther orders Arthur to retrieve it before it ends up in the wrong hands, but Morgana tips Morgause about it. On their way to Cenred's kingdom, they're captured by the slave trader Jarl, but manage to escape alongside fellow prisoner Gwaine. They manage to get the Cup, but quickly lose it to Morgause, after Arthur is shot with a poisoned arrow. Morgause uses the cup to make Cenred's army immortal and then kills Cenred. With an immortal army on side, Morgause takes over Camelot. In the citadel, they find Elyan and Gaius still alive. Merlin and Arthur secretly watch in horror as Morgana reveals her true allegiance (as well as her parentage) and is crowned Queen of Camelot.
THE TENTH PLANET BY KIT PEDLER AND GERRY DAVIES first broadcast - 22nd October 1966 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. TRACKING ROOM TECHNICIAN: Yes sir, it's er, er... There are hundreds of them, sir! (On the radar screen hundreds of small blips have appeared. They are moving quickly.) CUTLER: Hundreds of what, man? TECHNICIAN: Spaceships sir. In formation! CUTLER: Spaceships. That means only one thing, more Cybermen. Dyson, see if you can get hold of Zeus 5, I want to speak to my son. DYSON: Trying now, sir. (Cutler walks towards the communications equipment. Nearby, the Doctor suddenly starts moaning and collapses. Ben, Polly, Barclay and a technician gently lower him to the ground.) BEN: What's the matter, Doctor? POLLY: Doctor, what's the matter? BEN: What's happened to him? POLLY: Ben, do something quickly. BEN: Yeah, he needs medical help and quick. (Ben rushes over to General Cutler.) BEN: General! CUTLER: Yes, what is it? BEN: It's the Doctor, he's passed out, he's ill! CUTLER: Look, I've got enough on my plate without worrying about him. Get him down to one of the cabins and look after him. You, give him a hand. TECHNICIAN: (OOV.) Yes, sir. DYSON: Coming through now, sir. CUTLER: Good. DYSON: Snowcap to Zeus 5, Snowcap to Zeus 5, how do you read me? (Terry Cutler, General Cutler's son, speaks over the radio to them.) TERRY: (Over radio.) Zeus 5 to Snowcap, reading you loud and clear, over. (General Cutler takes the microphone off of Dyson.) CUTLER: Give me that. (To Terry.) Hello, son. Zeus 5, are you experiencing any power loss? TERRY: Hey, that voice sounds familiar. (Terry can be seen on one of the monitors.) CUTLER: Repeat, any power loss? TERRY: You sound very het up down there. Yeah, there's some loss of power when I'm in orbit on the same side of this new planet but, er, it picks up again on the far side. I guess I'm shielded there. Er, what happened to Williams and Schultz? CUTLER: Well, um, you won't be meeting up and docking with them now, there's been a little trouble. Er, what we have to do is get you down now. [SCENE_BREAK] 2. CABIN (Ben and Polly are sitting by the Doctor on a bunk bed. The Doctor is lying unconscious on the bottom bunk.) BEN: Oh, a fine time he picks for a kip. (Ben stands up and begins to walk away.) BEN: Come on Polly, we must get back to the control room. POLLY: We can't leave him. BEN: He seems all right, his pulse and breathing are normal. POLLY: I don't understand it. He just seems to be worn out. BEN: Well look, there's nothing we can do till the quack gets here anyway, come on. POLLY: (Resignedly.) All right. [SCENE_BREAK] 3. TRACKING ROOM (General Cutler is continuing his conversation with Terry. Ben and Polly are now back in the room.) CUTLER: (Into microphone.) Yes well, let me know if there's any change. Now look son, we're getting readings on our screens down here of a large formation of spaceships. Have you seen anything up there? TERRY: Sounds kinda spooky. No, I've nothing to report so far. CUTLER: They're on your orbit about... 30 miles below you. (Terry looks out of his porthole.) TERRY: No, I can't see anything, but er, it's pretty dark down there. CUTLER: Keep your eyes open and report any sightings immediately, OK? TERRY: Check, sir. CUTLER: Now take care son. We'll get you down as soon as we can. Out. (Cutler puts the microphone down and wanders over to the monitors.) DYSON: What do we do now? CUTLER: I hope I'm right. Now listen men, the situation as I see it is this: we've got three major problems on our hands. One, my son has been sent up on a foolhardy mission and we've got to get him down. Two, another visit from these creatures is almost a certainty. Three, the Earth is being drained of it's energy by this so-called planet Mondas whatever it's called. DYSON: Well there's nothing we can do about any of them. CUTLER: That's where you're wrong, Mr Dyson, we can do something. We can destroy Mondas. BARCLAY: But that's impossible! CUTLER: Impossible is not in my vocabulary, Dr Barclay. BARCLAY: And just how do you propose to do it? CUTLER: By using the Z-bomb. BARCLAY: (Disgusted.) You can't do that! CUTLER: I can and I will. DYSON: What about the radiation effects on Earth? CUTLER: That's a risk we'll have to take. (Cutler moves across to the communications desk.) BARCLAY: But to use this bomb you'll have to get authority from Geneva. CUTLER: I'll get authority fella, right now. Get me Geneva. (He passes the phone to Barclay.) BEN: What is a Z-bomb? CUTLER: What is it? It's a doomsday weapon mister, and rightly primed it could split that planet in half. There are two or three at strategic positions round the globe; we have one of them and the means of delivering it to Mondas. (Barclay passes Cutler the phone.) BARCLAY: Secretary Wigner, sir. CUTLER: (Into phone.) Secretary? [SCENE_BREAK] 4. ISC, GENEVA (Wigner is sitting at his desk. His two aides and technician are nearby, as ever.) WIGNER: Yes, General? CUTLER: (Over phone.) The expected attack sir, they've been sighted in force. WIGNER: Yes I know, we've just got reports, they are coming in from all over the world. And to make matters worse, the energy drain is increasing rapidly. (To technician.) [SOMETHING NOT IN ENGLISH - GREEK?] TECHNICIAN: [SOMETHING IN REPLY, ALSO NOT ENGLISH] (The technician walks away.) WIGNER: Cutler, you must hold on as best you can. [SCENE_BREAK] 5. TRACKING ROOM CUTLER: Yes sir. Request permission sir to take defensive action against this planet. WIGNER: (Over phone.) What action? CUTLER: The Z-bomb, sir. Mounted in the warhead of the detonator rocket and fired at Mondas it could destroy it. [SCENE_BREAK] 6. ISC, GENEVA WIGNER: We can't take the risk. It might have disastrous effects, both on Earth and the atmosphere. We would have to consult our top scientists. [SCENE_BREAK] 7. TRACKING ROOM CUTLER: But there isn't time for consultation. Er, this is an emergency! WIGNER: (Over phone.) We must know exactly what we are doing. CUTLER: But there isn't time, we'll have to take a chance! [SCENE_BREAK] 8. ISC, GENEVA WIGNER: No general, you must take no precipitous action. This is quite out of the question. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. TRACKING ROOM CUTLER: Yes sir. But you do give me authority to take any action necessary against the Cybermen? WIGNER: (Over phone.) Yes of course, you must do all you can. CUTLER: Yes sir. Thank you sir. (Cutler puts the phone down.) CUTLER: Right gentlemen, prepare to start the countdown. BARCLAY: But surely you haven't got the authority to use that bomb?! CUTLER: Secretary Wigner has given me authority to take any steps necessary to stop the Cybermen. BEN: Yeah, but I bet that didn't include using the Z-bomb! CUTLER: (Shouting.) That is my order! BEN: (To Barclay.) Look, tell him he can't use this bomb, Barclay, we'll all go up with it! CUTLER: Now look you. Ever since you came into this base you and that old man have poked your noses into things that don't concern you. Well, you have just done it for the last time. You, take them out of here and lock them up with the Doctor. (Cutler marches off and a guard comes over to Ben and Polly.) POLLY: But just a minute, are you sure there's only one way of dealing with the Cybermen? CUTLER: As they are about to attack us, yes, I am sure. BEN: But there is another way, to wait! BARCLAY: I don't follow. BEN: Look, the Doctor said that it's not only Earth that's in danger but that Mondas itself is in far greater danger. Otherwise, why have they bothered coming here? CUTLER: And just how did he figure that out? It's draining energy from the Earth, isn't it? BEN: Yes, but he said eventually it would absorb too much energy and burn itself out. Well, shrivel up to nothing. So all we've got to do is wait! (Ben hits a fist onto the desk in frustration.) CUTLER: Wait? Sure, wait until these Cybermen friends of yours get here and take over this planet. Oh no, mister, we're not going to wait. We're just going to accelerate the process a little. We're going to make it disappear just a little bit sooner, that's all. BARCLAY: But don't you see, general? A nuclear explosion on Mondas would deliver a terrific blast of radiation, enough to destroy all the life on the side of the earth facing it. It might even turn into a sun, a sort of supernova, and it would certainly destroy the space capsule. CUTLER: That's a risk we'll have to take. So far as the capsule's concerned, Dr Barclay, you are going to program that bomb so that it hits Mondas at a time when my son's orbit has taken him to the far side of the Earth! BARCLAY: But there are no guarantees of success. CUTLER: I'm not arguing, Dr. RADAR TECHNICIAN: They're coming in closer, sir. (Cutler walks over to the radar screen. Polly walks over to Ben and starts quietly talking to him.) POLLY: I'm coming with you. BEN: No love, you stay here. POLLY: But what about the Doctor? BEN: Look, I'll look after him. You heard what Barclay said, I think he's scared, so work on him, get him on our side. POLLY: All right. (The guard drags Ben out of the room. Cutler walks over to Barclay.) CUTLER: All right, Barclay, the bomb. Well? BARCLAY: You'll have to be present at the fusing, General. Dyson is not allowed to do it without you. CUTLER: OK Dyson, let's get on with it. (Dyson stands up.) POLLY: Can I stay and help? CUTLER: What do you think you could do? POLLY: Well, I could make some coffee or something. CUTLER: Oh all right, I suppose we could do with some. Now, don't lose contact with my son and keep track of those Cybermen. Let me know the moment an attack is imminent. TECHNICIAN: Yes sir. (Cutler leaves the room. As he does, Barclay takes his glasses off and starts fiddling with his hair with worry. Polly looks on, concerned.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. CABIN (The Doctor is lying on the bed facing the wall. Ben is trying to rouse him.) BEN: Doctor! Doctor! Oh, what's the use? (Ben begins pacing the small room.) BEN: There must be a way out of here somewhere. (Ben goes to the door and pushes a penknife into the lock. The door doesn't budge.) BEN: Oh, they didn't make locks like that in 1966. (Suddenly, Ben notices a large grill on the wall over the top of the bunk bed.) BEN: Hey, wait a minute! (Ben climbs onto the top bunk.) BEN: I wonder where this leads to? [SCENE_BREAK] 11. FUSING ROOM (The fusing room is full of equipment. Several of the walls have banks of computers and instruments on them. In the middle of the room is a small platform. Part of the Z-bomb is on it, waiting to be fused. It is connected to various things overhead by lots of wires. The thick door is marked with a radiation symbol. There is a permanent clicking noise. Cutler and two technicians are in the room, all wearing protective clothing. Dyson enters, also wearing a protective suit.) CUTLER: Right, we'll fuse it now. DYSON: Yes sir. (Dyson walks onto the platform and inspects everything.) CUTLER: Well, come on Barclay. What are we waiting for? DYSON: Last minute checks, sir. CUTLER: This little baby's gonna solve all our problems. DYSON: Yes, sir. CUTLER: Well at least you agree with me, Dyson. DYSON: If we get this away, do you think we stand any chance, sir? CUTLER: What do you mean, there's no alternative? DYSON: The old man could be right, it might be better to wait. CUTLER: Wait nothing. History is littered with guys who waited, and where did it get them? Nowhere. DYSON: There are the radiation effects. I mean, nothing is known, the results of this bomb could be quite fantastic. CUTLER: Haha! You've never talked so much since you came to the base, Dyson. What's the matter, you scared? DYSON: No, not exactly. CUTLER: Come on man, admit it. I am. I'm scared for that son of mine. That's why we've got to get this thing away. (He gestures to the Z-bomb.) CUTLER: Otherwise we'll never get him down. Well come on you fellas, time's short, let's get moving. DYSON: We can start now. TECHNICIAN: Sir. DYSON: Ready? Right. Seven, two, four, six, eight, eight, two... [SCENE_BREAK] 12. TRACKING ROOM (Barclay is watching the R/T Technician attempt to contact Zeus 5. All he can hear is static.) R/T TECHNICIAN: Hell. Still can't raise that Terry Cutler, sir. BARCLAY: Well keep trying man, keep trying. R/T TECHNICIAN: Snowcap to Zeus 5, Snowcap to Zeus 5, come in please. (The static continues.) BARCLAY: Let me know the instant you hear from him. R/T TECHNICIAN: Yes sir. (Barclay walks away. The R/T Technician continues to talk in the background. Polly is preparing coffee.) POLLY: How do you like your coffee? BARCLAY: Oh, as it comes. POLLY: Are you trying to get in touch with General Cutler's son? BARCLAY: (Snapping.) Look, you just keep your mind on making coffee, will you. (Barclay takes a cup of coffee from Polly.) BARCLAY: I'm sorry, that was rude. You must be scared stiff with all this happening. POLLY: I am rather. BARCLAY: Well, try not to worry about it. (Barclay sips some coffee.) POLLY: If Mondas turns into a sun and pours out deadly radiation, how much will it affect us? BARCLAY: I don't know, it may not affect us at all. POLLY: That's not what you said just now. BARCLAY: I know, but I'm not at all certain what would happen. POLLY: But what could happen? BARCLAY: Well, the radiation could affect us, and that means a certain loss of life. And the vegetation would, well suffer badly for many years. POLLY: And you're prepared to just let this happen? BARCLAY: Well what can I do, Cutler holds all the cards. R/T TECHNICIAN: 13 minutes to countdown, Dr Barclay. BARCLAY: Right. POLLY: Can't we wait, fight off the Cybermen until Mondas is destroyed? It would probably mean the end of Cutler's son, but that's one life against millions. BARCLAY: Yes, but what can I do? If I don't follow the general's orders he's bound to, well, carry on on his own without me. You know, he's a very ruthless man. POLLY: Can't we pretend to follow his orders, but in fact make sure the rocket doesn't go off? (Barclay looks hopeful. Suddenly, Cutler enters the room and Barclay and Polly spin round nervously.) CUTLER: Anything to report? RADAR TECHNICIAN: Yes sir, the signal on the screen is still there, 1500 miles north north-east. (Cutler strides across the room to the radar.) RADAR TECHNICIAN: It's been stationary for the last ten minutes. CUTLER: Let me know the moment it starts to move. RADAR TECHNICIAN: Yes sir. CUTLER: Any word from my son? BARCLAY: We can't seem to raise him, sir. CUTLER: What?! RADAR TECHNICIAN: The signal sir, it's moving. Coming in fast, course 0-1-5. CUTLER: Where's it heading? RADAR TECHNICIAN: Straight for here, sir. BARCLAY: Cybermen? CUTLER: Must be. BARCLAY: Anti missile battery? CUTLER: No. No, I've got a better idea. We'll let them land and then ambush them with their own weapons. (Cutler walks over to the R/T Technician and taps him on the shoulder.) CUTLER: Put the whole base on red alert. R/T TECHNICIAN: Very good, sir. (The R/T Technician flicks a switch and speaks into a microphone. Everyone can hear the announcement.) R/T TECHNICIAN: Now hear this. All base to red alert, repeat, all base to red alert. (The R/T Technician continues the announcement and Cutler picks up the phone.) CUTLER: (Into phone.) Security... Major, put section one under snow camouflage and issue them with the captured Cybermen weapons. Report to me on R/T when complete. (Cutler puts the phone down and turns to Barclay.) CUTLER: How long to countdown? BARCLAY: Ten minutes. CUTLER: They'll be here by then. We'll have to hold them off, then proceed with the normal launching. (Cutler picks up the phone and talks into it.) CUTLER: Yes? DYSON: (Over phone.) Bomb's in position, sir, will you check it now? CUTLER: Right. (Cutler puts the phone down.) CUTLER: We've just got time before the battle commences. (Cutler leaves the room and Polly dashes over to Barclay.) POLLY: (Whispering.) Quick, now's our chance. BARCLAY: For what? POLLY: To go and see Ben, we need the others to help. Hurry, before it's too late. (Polly dashes away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. CABIN (Ben is trying to open the grill. He jumps as Polly dashes in.) POLLY: Ben? BEN: Strewth, you gave me a turn then, duchess. (Ben jumps to the ground.) POLLY: How is he? BEN: Oh, he's just the same. (Barclay enters.) BEN: The quack's been to see him, he says he'll be all right, though. POLLY: Dr Barclay's going to help us. BEN: Oh, good. Now look, is there anything we can do to stop this rocket? BARCLAY: Well, it can be immobilised quite simply if we can get into the rocket silo. BEN: Well, can't you? BARCLAY: No, it's under constant guard. If I or anyone else tried to tamper with the controls we'd be discovered immediately. BEN: Well, is there any other way in? BARCLAY: No... Wait a minute! BEN: Well? BARCLAY: There is one way. I designed this part of the base. That ventilator shaft leads straight into the rocket silo. But I doubt if I could get into it, it would be a tight squeeze. BEN: But I might! Though if it leads into the rocket silo, would I need a radiation suit? BARCLAY: No, that part is screened. But there's a guard outside and an engineer checking instruments inside. POLLY: Well couldn't we distract him, get him outside? BARCLAY: Perhaps. Now look, this is what you would have to do. (Barclay goes over to the table and starts drawing a diagram on some paper. Ben and Polly join him.) BEN: Yeah. BARCLAY: Along the side of the rocket... BEN: Yeah. BARCLAY: Just level with the walkway, there is a panel marked Plug Servo Leads. You'll need a screwdriver. BEN: Oh, well I've got this knife. (Ben puts the knife on the table.) BARCLAY: Oh, that will do. Now, unscrew the panel and inside you will see four small plugs. Take out any one of them and snip off a pin and put it back. BEN: What'll that do? BARCLAY: Well, the fuel pump pressure will fall to zero at blast off. BEN: You mean the engines won't work? But I mean, won't they discover it? BARCLAY: Not in six months! It's not the sort of fault they look for. (Suddenly a siren starts up.) BARCLAY: The Cybermen. Now look, this is what you have to do. (Barclay draws a picture of the shaft.) BARCLAY: You come out of the ventilation shaft, down a ladder at the side... [SCENE_BREAK] 14. POLAR LANDSCAPE (Another Cybership lands. Nearby, the section one guards are covered over by snow, with just the Cyber guns visible. About 10 Cybermen march towards the base. The guards fire the guns and one by one the Cybermen collapse.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. VENTILATION SHAFT (Ben crawls along the shaft. He reaches an intersection and consults Barclay's map. There is a breeze blowing at him. He goes straight on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. ROCKET SILO (Ben reaches the grill. Inside the room are various banks of equipment. There is also an engineer in the room. Ben watches him perform some checks. Another engineer walks in and beckons the other one to follow him. He does.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE ROCKET SILO (Barclay is holding a clipboard and begins talking to the two engineers.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18. ROCKET SILO (Ben gets his knife out and begins unscrewing the grill.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19. CABIN (Polly is sitting down, watching the Doctor, concerned.) POLLY: I wish you'd wake up. (Polly stands up. She hears someone coming and quickly gets onto the top bunk and covers herself with the blanket. She sneezes. A guard enters and checks that the Doctor and `Ben' are still there. He leaves and Polly emerges from the blanket. She looks up at the grill, concerned.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20. ROCKET SILO (Ben pushes the grill open. It falls noisily against the wall. He swings onto the ladder and climbs into the room. He looks at his instructions and crosses over to the console marked Servo Plug Leads.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21. POLAR LANDSCAPE (The three guards emerge and collect all the dead Cybermen's weapons.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22. TRACKING ROOM (Cutler is watching the guards on a monitor.) CUTLER: Well that's accounted for that lot. (The Radar Technician turns the monitor off.) CUTLER: Tell them to bring the captured weapons down to the guard room. RADAR TECHNICIAN: Sir. CUTLER: Barclay... (Cutler turns round to talk to Barclay and notices he is gone.) CUTLER: Where's Barclay? DYSON: I don't know sir, he wasn't here when I got back. CUTLER: Know where he went? DYSON: Maybe to the rocket silo. CUTLER: (Suspiciously.) Right. (Cutler leaves the room, quickly. Dyson taps the R/T Technician on the shoulder.) DYSON: Mr Burns, check my figures on the second stage boosting. R/T TECHNICIAN: Sir. [SCENE_BREAK] 23. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE ROCKET SILO (Barclay is still talking to the engineers. Cutler arrives.) CUTLER: What are you doing here, Dr Barclay? BARCLAY: General, I... I, I, I, was just checking these... with Haynes. (Cutler shoves Barclay out of the way and enters the rocket silo.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24. ROCKET SILO (Ben is leaning inside the control panel. He doesn't hear Cutler enter. Cutler strides over to him and pulls him out by the neck. Cutler then pushes Ben off the walkway. A guard enters.) BEN: Aaarghh! CUTLER: All right. Get him down to the tracking room. (He points down at Ben. The guard walks away and Barclay and the engineer enter.) CUTLER: (To engineer.) You, check that rocket, see if he's done anything. BARCLAY: I can explain this, general. CUTLER: Yes, I'm sure. Right now you're coming with me, I need you. We'll talk about this after that rocket's gone. (Cutler and Barclay dash out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25. TRACKING ROOM (Everyone is in the room at their posts. Ben is sitting on a chair, half concussed. Polly is looking after him. Cutler is lecturing them.) CUTLER: Now, listen, I am warning you. If that rocket doesn't take off for Mondas, if my son's life is in jeopardy because of him... I'll take the law into my own hands. That goes for you too, Dr Barclay. You'd just better make a good job on that launch. OK, start the countdown. BARCLAY: Preliminary checks are not complete, general. (Cutler walks over to the R/T Technician, annoyed.) CUTLER: See if you can get through to my son again. R/T TECHNICIAN: Snowcap to Zeus 5, Snowcap to Zeus 5, come in please. TERRY: (Over monitor.) Zeus 5 to Snowcap, reading you loud and clear, over. CUTLER: Give it to me. (Cutler snatches the radio.) CUTLER: (To Terry.) Son... Son, have you seen any sign of those spacecraft yet? TERRY: No, I haven't seen a thing, there's ah, just me up here at the moment, ah, all on my lonesome. CUTLER: Ah, well watch it. They move mighty fast. TERRY: Well, when are you going to bring me down? CUTLER: Well we... can't do it just yet, you'll have to hold on. We have to deal with Mondas first. TERRY: Hey, wait a minute. The capsule's getting a little slow on the controls. CUTLER: What about your power? TERRY: Ah, it ah, loses and then picks up again. CUTLER: Yes, that's Mondas affecting it. Don't worry son, we'll get you down just as soon as we're able. TERRY: Well that can't be too soon for me. CUTLER: Good luck, son. Out. TERRY: Luck. I'm gonna need it. (General Cutler is very worried. Barclay is sitting at the communications desk. He speaks into the microphone and makes an announcement.) BARCLAY: All systems ready to proceed with countdown, Barclay speaking. Check in please. Silo control. POLLY: Ben. Ben, please wake up. TECHNICIAN: (Over radio.) Check. BARCLAY: Gantry team. TECHNICIAN: (Over radio.) A1 OK. BARCLAY: Fire control. TECHNICIAN: (Over radio.) Check. BARCLAY: Fuel control. (Cutler goes over to one of the desks.) TECHNICIAN: (Over radio.) Lovely, check. BARCLAY: Search monitors. TECHNICIAN: (Over radio.) OK. BARCLAY: Bomb fuse team. TECHNICIAN: (Over radio.) Completed, check. BARCLAY: Booster guidance. TECHNICIAN: (Over radio.) Check. BARCLAY: We are starting at T-minus two minutes starting from... now! (01:59 counts down.) POLLY: Ben, are you all right? BEN: Oh, ohh! Who's that? POLLY: Shh, keep your voice down. BEN: Oh, what happened? POLLY: I'll tell you later. BARCLAY: Radar sectors check. T-minus 1-50 and counting. (1-49 counts down.) TECHNICIAN: (Over radio.) Check. POLLY: Did you manage it? BEN: Ah, my head, it's splitting! POLLY: Did you, Ben? Try and remember. BEN: I can't think. BARCLAY: T-minus 1-40 and counting. Clear silo. Booster giros... on. TECHNICIAN: (Over radio.) Final clear... we have a fault on range computer. Check circuits. BARCLAY: Stop the countdown! POLLY: Does that mean they've found the fault? BEN: I don't know! CUTLER: What's the matter with those range computers? BARCLAY: Only a minor fault, general. Holding at T-minus 01-35. CUTLER: It had better be minor, Dr Barclay. TECHNICIAN: (Over radio.) All clear. BARCLAY: Proceed with countdown. Starting from... now. POLLY: It's going to fire after all you've done! (Polly is distraught.) BARCLAY: T-minus 01-25. Raise the missile. [SCENE_BREAK] 26. POLAR SURFACE (The missile rises from a hole in the ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27. TRACKING ROOM BARCLAY: T-minus 1-05. Everyone out of silo area. Land lines away. [SCENE_BREAK] 28. POLAR SURFACE (The man lines retract from the missile.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29. TRACKING ROOM BARCLAY: T-minus 50 seconds. Switch firing circuits to auto action. TECHNICIAN: (Over radio.) Will do. BARCLAY: Countdown timing to automatic. POLLY: We'll know if you succeeded in just a few seconds. TECHNICIAN: (Over tannoy.) T-minus 40 seconds. (Everyone is apprehensive.) TECHNICIAN: (Over tannoy.) T-minus 30 seconds. (The whirr of the rocket engine reaches the room.) TECHNICIAN: (Over tannoy.) T-minus 20 seconds. (The whirr reaches a crescendo. Everyone is waiting nervously.) TECHNICIAN: (Over tannoy.) T-minus 10 seconds. (The numbers count down.) TECHNICIAN: (Over tannoy.) 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... [SCENE_BREAK] 30. Z-BOMB MISSILE LAUNCH (The rocket's engines fire into life and the rocket slowly moves up...)
Plan: A: the Doctor; Q: Who is out of action? A: Barclay; Q: Who is the fourth member of the team? A: the Z-Bomb; Q: What is Cutler trying to use to destroy half the world? Summary: With the Doctor out of action, it is up to Polly, Ben and Barclay to stop Cutler using the Z-Bomb and devastating half the world.
LORELAI'S HOUSE - EXTERIOR LORELAI: Okay sweetie what do we say to mommy when we see her at the airport. GIGI: Bonjour! LORELAI: "Bonjour, mama! What's the haps?" I don't know the French word for "haps." [too Chris] Passports? CHRISTOPHER: Got 'em. [too Gigi] Sweetie even after we meet up with mommy, we're gonna stay whit you all day, okay? LORELAI: All day you will not be able to shake us. [too Chris] Cash? CHRISTOPHER: Check. LORELAI: Confusing shorthand. CHRISTOPHER: Check -- I've got cash. LORELAI: Thank you. GIGI: Will there be food on the plane? LORELAI: There will be food, but airplane food is one of life's cruel jokes, so, just in case, we have snacks up the whazoo. [too Chris] Are you sure the departure's 3:30? Why did I think it was later? CHRISTOPHER: 3:30-ish. LORELAI: That's what it says on the ticket? "Departure 3:30-ish"? CHRISTOPHER: Oh, it doesn't matter. Traffic this time of day's impossible. LORELAI: All right, honey. Let's go. [Chris comes out with the last suitcase] CHRISTOPHER: You choose a trip to France to start using free weights? LORELAI: Those are my shoes -- of course it's heavy. You teach them and teach them, but they never learn, do they, Gigi? Why do I feel like the departure was 6:15? CHRISTOPHER: Let's go. LORELAI: Now, Gigi, You are gonna love Paris. You know, they call it "the city of love." GIGI: Why? LORELAI: Why? Well, because it's romantic, and there's just love everywhere. Of course, there's also pigeons everywhere, but nobody would want to visit the city of pigeons, now would they? CHRISTOPHER: I think we're ready. LORELAI: Are you gonna tell me what time this flight actually leaves? CHRISTOPHER: Soon. LORELAI: Your daddy is very vague, Gigi CHRISTOPHER: How cool is it that we're going to France? You're going to have such a good time staying in Paris. LORELAI: I am green with envy. Am I green? CHRISTOPHER: It's more of a teal. LORELAI: Well it goes great with my eyes. Driver, take us to France! Au revoir, house! GIGI: Au revoir, house! CHRISTOPHER: We're pretty low on gas. Gonna have to stop and get some. LORELAI: Honey how do we have time to stop for gas? CHRISTOPHER: Our flight's not for 3 1/2 hours. LORELAI: Oh! CHRISTOPHER: [Laugh] LORELAI: We knew it, Gigi, Didn't we? Gigi And I knew it. YALE NEWS ROOM [Laughter] BILL: So, as your newly elected editor in chief, it is my great honor to... honor... SHEILA: okay. BILL: ...The stepping down... RAJ: "stepping down." A.K.: Eloquent. BILL: ...Of our former leader. SHEILA: Anyone else thinking "recall"? [Laughter, Paris looks on] RORY: That's okay, bill. Keep going. BILL: As I was saying, in recognition of Rory's hard work and devotion to the daily news, we have a few tokens of our appreciation. A.K.? A.K.: This is just something to hang on your wall when you become editor of the New York Times. RORY: Oh, thank you. BILL: It's the front page of the last edition you edited. A.K.: Yeah, she needed that explained. RAJ: Rory... this is to commemorate all those articles of ours that you carefully, thoughtfully ripped to shreds. [Laughter] RORY: Thank you, Raj. Now I think I have to go out and buy a freakishly large pencil sharpener. [Laughter] JONI: I have a confession to make. I only joined the Yale Daily News as a way to meet cute guys, but after watching you handle the job of editor with intelligence and... and grace... I became inspired to become a journalist. SHEILA: Aw! JONI: Thank you. [Hugs Rory] RORY: Oh! Whoa, Joni, I'm touched and a little damp. [Laughter, Joni spilt her drink on Rory] RORY: It's okay. PARIS: I have a Rory story. [Others look worried] When I was running the paper, I was dying to do an article about everybody's asinine obsession with Boho Chic, but Rory had the guts to tell me that the idea for my article was trite and passé, because that's who Rory is -- honest, direct, and to the point. Like, when you all turned on me and decided you didn't want me in charge anymore, and you all chewed me up and spit me out, Rory was the one who broke the news to me. Thank you, Rory, for being the one person with integrity among a collection of cowardly backstabbers. [Everyone is quite for a few seconds] RORY: These are all such great stories. BILL: To Rory. EVERYONE: To Rory! RORY: Thank you very much. I didn't write a speech or anything, although I could recite "The Charge of the Light Brigade," or the lyrics to "Rebel Rebel"... A.K.: Let's hear it. RORY: ...Neither of which I think are appropriate, but, um... look, I've really enjoyed being editor. It's been great. But it's time for a change, right? So sayeth the Yale Daily News bylaws. Um, so... [Sighs] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your new editor in chief -- what's your name again? BILL: Ha ha. Anyway, my first editorial move is to take everyone to Rich Man's Shoe. Drinks on me. A.K.: All right, that's what I'm talking about! OTHER TOGETHER: All right! [Paris looks on with a "big deal" look on her face] RAJ: Coming? RORY: Huh? RAJ: For drinks? RORY: Uh, no. I think I'm gonna pass. RAJ: How come? RORY: Um, well, new editor, new regime -- I don't want it to seem like I'm still trying to be your boss. RAJ: Yeah, no one likes someone hanging around, telling us how to get drunk. RORY: You know what I mean. RAJ: Yeah. See you around. RORY: You too. PARIS: Well, now we're both ousted leaders. Welcome to club Nixon. RORY: [Sighs] LANE, ZACH AND BRIAN'S APARTMENT [Lane and Zach are looking at a sonogram] LANE: Twins, Zach. ZACH: Right LANE: We're having twins. ZACH: Yeah, it's heavy, but we can handle it. LANE: Twice as many mouths to feed, twice as much to clean up after... ZACH: Yeah, all that -- plus, there's gonna be prejudice, but we can fight that. LANE: What? ZACH: And they have surgeries now, babe. This does not have to be permanent. LANE: What doesn't? ZACH: As long as the babies don't have some vital organ attached, they can be separated -- easy-breezy. LANE: What are you talking about? ZACH: Until the operation, we'll just get specially made clothes. LANE: Zach... ZACH: Unless they're attached at the head. Then they can wear just about anything. We just slip it on from the feet up -- LANE: Zach, we're having twins, not Siamese twins. ZACH: [Looks at the sonogram] Oh! Dude, that is such a load off my mind! So why were you freaking out at the doctor's office? LANE: Because we're having twins! ZACH: Yeah but they're separate. It's, like, way easier. LANE: Easier than what? Triplets? Siamese triplets? Yeah, Zach, twins is way easier than Siamese triplets. ZACH: I think we have to tell your mother you're pregnant now. LANE: Ugh... she is so going to kill me! ZACH: I mean you're starting to show. LANE: Of course I'm starting to show! My body's filling up with two growing people! She is so gonna think we had s*x before the wedding, and she'll convince me we did. ZACH: But we didn't. Believe me. I'd remember. LANE: You don't understand. This is what she does to me. She gives me this look, and I get all panicky and start sweating. Once, at a church picnic, someone had taken a bite out of six deviled eggs and put them back on the platter. My mother accused me of doing it, and I almost confessed! ZACH: But you hate deviled eggs. LANE: That's the point! After she gave me that look, I wasn't sure. Maybe I had taken those bites. She gets in my head. It's like Korean voodoo. ZACH: It's gonna be okay. It is. [Looking at the sonogram again] Whoa... you know what this picture is? Our first album cover. LANE: Zach... ZACH: Yeah, it's like a prenatal "Nevermind." [He kisses her on the cheek] FRANCE - DIFFERENT SCENE OF PARIS [Woman singing in French] HOTEL ROOM LORELAI: Merci... monsieur...bellhop. Jeesh. CHRISTOPHER: Did you see that? He literally sniffed at my tip and sauntered off. LORELAI: Yeah, he sniffed and sauntered. He did not hop. CHRISTOPHER: The bellhop was a gem compared to the concierge. I mean isn't it his job to be polite? LORELAI: You would think the concierge would be polite. CHRISTOPHER: It's not like we're being obnoxious and asking someone to take a picture of us in front of Jim Morrison's grave. LORELAI: Which, by the way, I promised Rory we would do. CHRISTOPHER: I hope Gigi Picks up the language and the customs, but none of the rudeness. LORELAI: Oh, no, Gigi's too sweet. She's got an impenetrable coat of sweetness around her. You shouldn't have called her Gigi, You should've called her M&M's. CHRISTOPHER: You were great with her the whole flight. You were also great with Sherry today. Thank you. LORELAI: She was great with me. CHRISTOPHER: So, it's not just me, right? She does see to have it together? LORELAI: Yeah, she seems grounded and sincere. She was nice. I couldn't believe how prepared for Gigi She was. CHRISTOPHER: She was. She had her favorite "Madeline" book. She knew where the nearest park was. And did you see? She already had a booster seat. LORELAI: Very impressive, by the time I got Rory one of those, she was 60 pounds. It got stuck on her butt. [Sighs] Oh, my god. CHRISTOPHER: What? LORELAI: We're in Paris! CHRISTOPHER: You were thinking it was phoenix? LORELAI: I just wasn't thinking anything. I mean, I was focused on getting Gigi All settled in. It slipped my mind that we're in the most beautiful city in the world! CHRISTOPHER: The Phoenix of Europe. LORELAI: Alright first we have to go to Harry's bar and smoke Gauloises cigarettes and get in a fight about cubism and gesticulate wildly. CHRISTOPHER: I am going to call our friend the concierge and make a reservation at the most romantic restaurant in Paris. LORELAI: Ask him why these beds are so insanely comfortable. CHRISTOPHER: [On the phone] Yes, can I... [Too Lorelai] no, no, no, no, no! Hey, hey, hey! No sleeping. We are in Paris now. We are on Paris time. LORELAI: Yes. CHRISTOPHER: Fight the jet lag. LORELAI: Fighting the jet lag. Jet lag strong. CHRISTOPHER: [On the phone] Yes, I'm sorry, sir. Could I make a 8:30 reservation at L'Arpge? Yes... uh-huh, I-I understand. Thank you. LORELAI: Did he book it? CHRISTOPHER: He did. He also reminded us to wear shoes. I sense he has a very low opinion of Americans. LORELAI: Well, the French might be rude, but they know how to make a very cozy bed. CHRISTOPHER: Lorelai? LORELAI: What? CHRISTOPHER: I know you're tired. LORELAI: A tad. CHRISTOPHER: I know you've been awake for something like 30 hours... LORELAI: 32 1/2. CHRISTOPHER: ...Just to help me make the transition easier for Gigi, And I really appreciate it. LORELAI: Aww, don't mention it. CHRISTOPHER: And I just want to show you the best possible time that you can have in Paris because you deserve it. LORELAI: Aww, you're sweet. CHRISTOPHER: Lorelai... LORELAI: hmm? CHRISTOPHER: Lorelai! LORELAI: Okay, all right. Yes, we're gonna get up, 'cause we're in Paris, and we're gonna have a great Parisian time. CHRISTOPHER: We are! LORELAI: Yes! Hey, is the tour de France still going on? 'Cause we could stand on a little Paris street and yell "whoo-hoo" when the guys go by, or I could pour a cup of water on one of them. As he goes whipping by. CHRISTOPHER: Actually, the tour de France was a couple of months ago. LORELAI: Aw... CHRISTOPHER: But we are going to a beautiful, intimate restaurant, and after we finish our meal, you can throw water on me. LORELAI: Whoo-hoo! CHRISTOPHER: [Chuckles, kisses her cheek.] YALE - HALLWAY [Rory and Paris are walking] PARIS: What are you doing right now? RORY: Not much. PARIS: Would you mind swinging by the library to drop these off? I'd do it, but I just got cornered by professor Edwards. She wants to meet for coffee in five minutes to discuss me being her T.A. Second semester. I got to start thinking about life after graduation. Cozying up to professor Edwards could be a fast pass to a fellowship. RORY: I guess that's true. PARIS: What about you? RORY: What about me? PARIS: You looking into fellowships? Scholarships? Grad schools? RORY: Not really. I mean, not yet. I will, probably. PARIS: Time's running out. They only give the LSAT one more time before spring. Anyway thanks for dropping off the books. I don't mean to make you run out of your way I just thought you have a lot of free time since you don't work at the paper anymore. RORY: That is true. PARIS: What are you taking, by the way? RORY: Taking? PARIS: Just remember, Tricyclic antidepressants are better than your Monoamine Oxidase inhibitors, since those are for panic attacks. It doesn't look like you're there yet. RORY: I have no plans of going there. PARIS: You will. I know when I was finished as editor, I went into a major tailspin, couldn't you tell? RORY: Well you masked it so well with your generally gloomy disposition. PARIS: The first day is hard. Then it just gets worse. RORY: As it happens, I am totally relieved that my job at the paper is over. PARIS: Yeah I did the denial thing, too. I even tried smiling a lot. That got old, and I think it made this line. RORY: That'll teach you to smile. PARIS: You really shouldn't be alone at a time like this. Why don't you call your "girls gone wild" friends? They seem delightful in a "get crazy-drunk in Cancun and flash your breasts" kind of way. RORY: Your take on Lucy and Olivia is so not them. PARIS: Whatever. Later. Oh, and Lexapro is fast-acting, but side effects are weight gain and noticeable drop in sexual appetite. Of course, with Logan gone, that's moot. RORY: Always a pleasure, Paris. MRS KIMS ANTIQUES - KITCHEN [Lane, Zach and Mrs Kim are having dinner, they are very quite, no one is talking.] MRS KIM: How's the Maeun-Tang? LANE: Good! ZACH: Yeah! Really good Maeun-Tang. MRS KIM: How was work? ZACH: Oh, yeah, my work is good. LANE: My work is good. MRS KIM: That's good. LANE: [Sighs] This is great dinner, mama. MRS KIM: I'm glad you like it. It's been too long since we had dinner together. ZACH: Way too long. MRS KIM: I think you've been avoiding me, and I know why. LANE: We haven't been avoiding... MRS KIM: Do not try to fool me. I know what's going on. [Lane and Zach look at each other concerned] You have no new music to show me, and you are ashamed. ZACH: Music? MRS KIM: Yes, music -- the thing you say you want to do for a living. ZACH: Oh, no, I do! Yeah I've been working on some stuff. MRS KIM: What kind of stuff? ZACH: Actually I've been experimenting with different instruments. Like I've been playing the electric mandolin, which sounds really far out... LANE: Mom, I'm pregnant! [Mrs Kim is surprised] We waited until after we were married! If you don't believe us, we have a note from our doctor, which doesn't prove anything, but it does! [Lane and Zach talking over each other] ZACH: Hit me! Hit me!... LANE: Firmly established... ZACH: It's my fault!... LANE: It happened during the... MRS KIM: a new child is a great blessing. LANE: Really? MRS KIM: Chuka hamnida, Lane and Zach. LANE: She says, "congratulations." ZACH: Really? Then you should say "chuka hamnida hamnida" because we're having twins. MRS KIM: Twins? LANE: Twins. MRS KIM: Oh, that's wonderful. So, Monday, you move in with me. ZACH: Cool. MRS KIM: I must go e-mail this good news to our relatives in Pusan. They just got wi-fi. LANE: "Cool"?! PARIS - HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT [Siren wailing] LORELAI: [Gasps] No! Oh, no, no, no! No, no, no! CHRISTOPHER: What? LORELAI: Honey, get up! Get up! CHRISTOPHER: I'm up! I'm up! I'm up! I'm up! What? We got to go, right? I-I got to shave? LORELAI: No, not unless you're a werewolf! CHRISTOPHER: What? It's the middle of the night! CHRISTOPHER: What? LORELAI: It's 4:00! CHRISTOPHER: What's 4:00? LORELAI: That. It. CHRISTOPHER: It's 4:00? LORELAI: Yes! It's 4:00! We fell asleep! Damn the French and their comfortable beds! CHRISTOPHER: Oh, we must've dozed off around 7:00. We just had ourselves a 9-hour nap. LORELAI: Nine hours?! That's not a nap -- that's a coma. CHRISTOPHER: Wow, the city looks really beautiful... and dead. LORELAI: Ugh, okay -- this place is very tastefully decorated and everything, but would it kill them to put a minibar in here? I'm starving. CHRISTOPHER: Me too. LORELAI: [Sighs] You don't think they're still holding our table at L'Arpge, do you? CHRISTOPHER: I'm guessing our table at L'Arpge smells of disinfectant and has two chairs on top of it. LORELAI: Ohhh! CHRISTOPHER: It's okay, it's okay! I can fix this! Um room service! What are you in the mood for? LORELAI: Um... I would like a cheeseburger with a side of cheeseburger, and see if they can make me a cheeseburger smoothie. CHRISTOPHER: Well, if they can make goose innards into a tasty spread, I'm sure they can make a cheeseburger smoothie. LORELAI: Ha-ha CHRISTOPHER: [On the phone] Yes, sir, hi. I would like to order some room service. LORELAI: What'd he say? CHRISTOPHER: He didn't say, so much as chortle. LORELAI: No room service? And no minibar? But two toilets. Where are their priorities? CHRISTOPHER: Okay, let me float another plan. LORELAI: Don't say "float" unless "root beer" is attached to it. CHRISTOPHER: It's after 4:00. Why don't we get a few more hours' sleep, we wake up early, feast on a delicious French breakfast, and then we hit Paris totally refreshed LORELAI: Oh, fine... crummy Europe. Crummy time change. We switched to the metric system -- why don't they switch to our time zone? CHRISTOPHER: We didn't actually switch... LORELAI: I know! CHRISTOPHER: [Groans] LATER... LORELAI: Never been so wide awake. CHRISTOPHER: I'm more wide awake. LORELAI: So wide awake I could watch the Ken Burns documentary of "sod" and not drift off. CHRISTOPHER: There are 104 fleur-de-lis stencid on the ceiling -- that's how wide awake I am. LORELAI: I tried Humming Brahms' "Lullaby" in my head, but it kept morphing into "Purple Rain," and "Purple Rain" made me think of grapes, which made me think of grape jam, which made me think of English muffins slathered in grape jam. CHRISTOPHER: Hold it -- this is the greatest city in the world. There is a restaurant out there, still open, with candles and soft lighting and great food, and I'm gonna find it for you. LORELAI: My hero. CHRISTOPHER: Besides, just being out on the Paris streets late at night -- what could be more romantic? [They kiss] LORELAI: Being out on the Paris streets late at night eating a big, fat cheeseburger. CHRISTOPHER: [Chuckles] LOGAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT [Rory is alone in the apartment, it's very quite] RORY: [Sighs] [She dials a number on her Sidekick] OLIVIA: Hello? [Music is playing in the background] RORY: Hey, it's Rory. OLIVIA: Hey, what's going on? RORY: Not a lot. What's up with you? OLIVIA: I'm sitting here making a mobile for my sister's baby. But it's turning out really good, so I might just keep it for myself and give the baby socks. RORY: Or make her a mobile out of socks. OLIVIA: Oh, that's genius. RORY: What's Lucy doing? OLIVIA: Watching "Real World: Denver." Lucy's eating it up with a fork and spoon 'cause boyfriend's working, and you know how much he hates reality TV. RORY: Does he? OLIVIA: I keep forgetting -- you still haven't met boyfriend. RORY: Yeah, I'm beginning to wonder if he really exists, or if he's just Lucy's Snuffleupagus. OLIVIA: Lucy, it's Rory! LUCY: [Gasps] Hey! What's up, girl? RORY: Hey, Lucy! OLIVIA: Rory says "hey." [She puts the phone on speaker] RORY: You guys feel like doing something? LUCY: We should go somewhere! RORY: Cool, where do you want to go? LUCY: I want to go to the country, get off campus. It's the weekend. Let's get out of here. OLIVIA: I'd so love to go to, like, a cabin in the woods. LUCY: Or just a house. RORY: We could...go to my house. LUCY: Yeah? RORY: I mean, it's in Stars Hollow. It's this really small town, and there's not a lot to do... LUCY: Oh, my god. Does your house have a yard? OLIVIA: And a porch? RORY: The house has a yard and a porch with a swing, and the swing makes this little creaking sound. LUCY: That sounds so perfect. OLIVIA: When we get there, I'm definitely mixing up a batch of lemonade and flirting with slim, the hired hand. RORY: Slim the hired hand is a hottie, but he's missing a hand. Ironic, huh? Pick you up in a little bit? LUCY: We'll be here. RORY: Bye. PARIS - NIGHT [Woman singing in French plays as they show shots of Paris, Lorelai and Chris are walking the streets looking for food.] CHRISTOPHER: So, class, the word for "closed" is... LORELAI: You know after seeing this sign in seven different restaurants, it's no longer informative -- it's just mocking. CHRISTOPHER: This place looks good. LORELAI: Even the sound of it -- Fermé. CHRISTOPHER: Let's try around the corner. LORELAI: It has a mocking tone. "Ha ha, fermé." Do you hear that? CHRISTOPHER: I hear a woman who's delusional with hunger. Come on. LORELAI: See, this is why French people are so skinny -- they have no late-night snacks. CHRISTOPHER: How do you explain Gérard Depardieu? LORELAI: Oh, that's obvious. Gérard Depardieu has hogged all the food. [They spot some one eating] LORELAI: Ooh, ooh! CHRISTOPHER: Did you see that? LORELAI: Yeah. Oh, I saw that. CHRISTOPHER: Come on. LORELAI: What do you say? You hit him high, I hit him low. CHRISTOPHER: Monsieur?! LORELAI: Hello. CHRISTOPHER: Wait -- attendez! We just want to know where you got the sandwich! LORELAI: Oh, look what you did! CHRISTOPHER: What? LORELAI: You charged him. Everyone knows you don't charge a bear or a man with a sandwich. CHRISTOPHER: [Sniffs] LORELAI: [gasps] CHRISTOPHER: That's a lot of bread. LORELAI: What are the chances there's a butter truck nearby? CHRISTOPHER: Uh, pardonne-moi. Bonsoir. Nous avons, hungry, hungry, hungry... LORELAI: I got it. I got it. Mmmm! Mmm! Ahhh! BREAD GUY: [French accent] Funny Americans, huh? [Chuckles] LORELAI: Yeah, funny. Hungry Americans, huh? BREAD GUY: [French accent] "Everybody loves Raymond." [Chuckles] CHRISTOPHER: No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait! BREAD GUY: [Laughs, gets in the truck and drives off] CHRISTOPHER: Happy people, the French. [Looks at Lorelai and giggles] What? LORELAI: Nothing. It's weird... it's just being this hungry makes me think of this time when we were in 10th grade, and, for some reason, I had to make up this chemistry exam during lunch, and it went on and on and on forever, and then finally, when I was done, I came out.. and there you were, waiting for me. And you took this slice of pizza from the cafeteria out of your coat pocket, and you gave it to me. CHRISTOPHER: Pepperoni -- I remember. LORELAI: Even then, you were so sweet. CHRISTOPHER: Head back to the hotel? LORELAI: Mm-hmm. You don't still have that pizza anywhere, do you? CHRISTOPHER: Different coat. Darn! LUKE'S DINER - NIGHT ZACH: Babe, could you check on my order? LANE: Oh, I did. I asked Luke where it was, and Luke said, "from now on, if Zach wants to eat here, "he has to stand on his head in the middle of the diner and eat out of a rusty bucket." So I said, "cool!" ZACH: I couldn't help it, Lane! I was so relieved that your mother wasn't pissed off about the pregnancy. "Cool" just came out, like a happy vocal burp. LANE: Next time, cover your mouth! Jeez! [She walks away from the table, Kirk puts his hand on her stomach.] Kirk, what are you doing? KIRK: Trying to feel a kick. LANE: You're gonna feel a kick if you don't get your hand off my stomach. KIRK: So, I don't know if you've decided where you're gonna drop this little load, but I highly recommend Woodbury memorial, where I was born. LANE: Good to know. KIRK: The maternity suites there are primo, and they let the mother hold the baby post-delivery as long as she wants. Explains a lot about the relationship between me and my mother. LANE: Yes, it does. LUKE: Kirk, go away and stop harassing my employees. [Too Lane] You should sit awhile. LANE: No, I'm fine! Standing's no problem. LUKE: All right, but from now on, no more serving heavy food -- your meat loaves, your bowls of stew. Somebody who orders that -- let Caesar carry it. He needs the workout. LANE: Well, that's not really... LUKE: And if you have any questions or are worried about anything having to do with... you know, what's going on there, call my sister, Liz -- she's a veteran. LANE: Thanks, Luke. LUKE: Anyway, uh... you two are gonna be great. You'll be great parents. LANE: Zach... we're gonna be parents. ZACH: Yeah, it's like... we're not just kids anymore. We're one of them now. LANE: Parents don't have to be told what to do. Parents do the telling. ZACH: That's right. Besides, if we say no, what's the worst your mother could do? [Lane give Zach a worrying look and walks away] Seriously, b-babe, w-what is the worst she could do? WARNING - the following scene may contain disturbing dialogue. PARIS - HOTEL - NIGHT LORELAI: [Lorelai sighs] CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. LORELAI: What, "yeah"? CHRISTOPHER: That's at I'm talking about. LORELAI: Yeah? CHRISTOPHER: I'll say. LORELAI: I can barely talk. CHRISTOPHER: Uh-huh, which is, uh... LORELAI: Saying something? CHRISTOPHER: [Chuckles] I could just live in this room forever. LORELAI: Let's. CHRISTOPHER: Except... LORELAI: No "except." It's decided. Call the guy. Come seal the doors. CHRISTOPHER: I'm too hungry! LORELAI: Me too. CHRISTOPHER: My stomach is a pit. LORELAI: I know. If I don't eat something, my stomach's gonna eat me. CHRISTOPHER: We need to food food! [Gets out of bed] LORELAI: We do! [Sighs, sits up in bed] Look at that view. It's so beautiful, I could eat it. CHRISTOPHER: [Sighs] Oh, my god. LORELAI: What? CHRISTOPHER: I could totally fix this! LORELAI: How? CHRISTOPHER: I'm not gonna tell you. [they kiss] Let's shower. LORELAI: Tell me. CHRISTOPHER: It's a surprise. LORELAI: Tell me. CHRISTOPHER: I'm not gonna tell you. LORELAI: Come on! CHRISTOPHER: Not telling. LORELAI: Is this your fix? To get me to think about what your fix is instead of thinking about food, huh?! CHRISTOPHER: Is it working? LORELAI: A little. CHRISTOPHER: All I can tell you is it's bigger than a breadbox. LORELAI: Mmm, bread. CHRISTOPHER: Come on! LORELAI: Okay! [SCENE_BREAK] LORELAI'S HOUSE - EXTERIOR - NIGHT [the girls are sitting on the swing, they have foil in there hair.] RORY: There's Dean. LUCY: Ooh, Dean is smokin'. OLIVIA: Oh, yeah. Dean's a fox. LUCY: He looks tall. RORY: He is. How can you tell from a picture of his face? LUCY: Oh it's a talent I have. RORY: Spooky. LUCY: Yeah right I figure I'll be recruit by the FBI any day now. RORY: It's a very specific specialty. OLIVIA: Oh wait, there you are. RORY: That was my first year at the Chilton paper. OLIVIA: Look at you and your big Rory smile. LUCY: Um what are you there -- 5'2"? RORY: More like 5'7". LUCY: Are you sure, you don't look 5'7"? RORY: I'm sure. Hey is this dye supposed to smell all vinegary? LUCY: Mm-hmm. OLIVIA: It means it's working. RORY: I feel like an easter egg. LUCY: Boyfriend is gonna totally freak when he sees this color. RORY: Freak, like, be mad? LUCY: No. First, he'll be like, "whoa," then like, "I like it," and I'll be like, "thanks," and he'll be all, "I thought you looked pretty good before, too," and I'll be like, "better?" And he'll be like, "I think you look good no matter what you do," and I'll be like, "what if I got a Mohawk?" And he'll be like, "even if you had a Mohawk," and then we'll look at each other all goony-eyed, and we'll kiss, and he'll say, "don't get a Mohawk." OLIVIA: And too bad if he doesn't like it. Serves him right for working all the time. LUCY: Boyfriend's got great hair. OLIVIA: Oh, the best. It's, like, beyond human. RORY: Like, Conan O'Brien's? LUCY: No, it's, like, really full. It's more like a cartoon character. OLIVIA: Yeah, it's like snap's hair from snap, crackle, and pop. Wait, am I thinking of crackle? RORY: Is crackle the one who wears a hat? LUCY: They all wear hats. It's like part of their uniform. RORY: Yeah, but one of them wears it all the way on his head, and one wears it further back so his bangs swoop out. OLIVIA: That's pop. The blond one's definitely pop. LUCY: Okay so boyfriend's got the color of crackle and the style of pop. RORY: Ooh! We should make Rice Krispy Treats. LUCY: Oh, my gosh! OLIVIA: Yes! [They go inside] RORY: I think there is a cake pan in that broom closet. OLIVIA: Broom closet? RORY: Yeah, my mom's not really into baking or booms. Okay, so the butter's in the fridge, and I will get the marshmallows and the Rice Krispies. OLIVIA: Oh, my god! Come here, you guys! It's Rory through the ages. RORY: Oh, I totally forgot that was there. LUCY: How cool is this? Can you believe you were this short in 1991? RORY: No. OLIVIA: Check out the next year, you shot up like a weed. RORY: That's when I finally quit smoking. LUCY: This is awesome you have a record of you literally growing up, and here you are when you're, like, 7, and then here you are when you're ready to graduate college. RORY: Yeah. It's freaky. Oh! There's the cake pan. Let's get cookin'! PARIS - NIGHT [Lorelai and Chris come to an empty restaurant] LORELAI: Well, well, what do you know? Fermé. [Chris knocks] Listen, honey, if they weren't open at 11:00, I don't think they're gonna be open at 5:00 in the morning. CHRISTOPHER: Trust me. LORELAI: Trust is not the point. The point is food and finding some, not standing in front of closed restaurants feel... MAITRE D': Monsieur Hayden...Mademoiselle Gilmore. CHRISTOPHER: That's us. MAITRE D': Welcome to L'Arpge. Please come in. Your table is ready. LORELAI: [Gasps] CHRISTOPHER: After you, mademoiselle. LORELAI: Oh. [They are seated] LORELAI: Thank you. CHRISTOPHER: Thank you. LORELAI: Thanks. [too Chris] What is this? CHRISTOPHER: [Chuckles] WAITER: I'll give you a moment to peruse the wine list. Please let me know if you have any question. CHRISTOPHER: Thank you. We will. LORELAI: Merci. [The waiter opens the curtains to reveal the Eiffel Tower in the view] LORELAI: [Inhales deeply] CHRISTOPHER: Pretty cool, huh? LORELAI: How did you... CHRISTOPHER: I'm thinking the '78 Latour. Sounds like a classic car. LORELAI: Honey, how did you do this? CHRISTOPHER: I have my ways. LORELAI: Tell me! CHRISTOPHER: You really want to know? LORELAI: Yeah! CHRISTOPHER: It might take away some of the magic. LORELAI: I'll risk it. CHRISTOPHER: Well I was lying in bed and I was just thinking about us and how, when we were 16, we planned our trip to Paris, but it kind of got derailed. LORELAI: [Laughs] I'll say. CHRISTOPHER: And then I was thinking about how amazing it is that after everything -- the years, the distance, the screw-ups, everything -- we finally managed to make it here and how, in some ways, it feels like nothing has changed and no time has passed. LORELAI: I know. CHRISTOPHER: But then I started thinking about all the things that have changed. LORELAI: When did you do all this thinking? CHRISTOPHER: And I realized the one big thing that has changed is that now... I'm totally loaded. LORELAI: [Chuckling] Okay. CHRISTOPHER: And I guess, in some ways, I'm not quite used to it because I didn't even think, earlier, that I might be able to use that. LORELAI: You totally bribed them to open. CHRISTOPHER: Not bribed -- gave financial incentive. LORELAI: Oh, my god! CHRISTOPHER: [Chuckles] I know. LORELAI: You totally bribed them to open! CHRISTOPHER: You don't have to whisper. Everybody here knows. LORELAI: [Chuckles] I just can't believe that people really...do this. CHRISTOPHER: Apparently. LORELAI: Cool! CHRISTOPHER: Right? And I was prepared to do other things to get you fed. I had backup plans that included theft and chicanery. LORELAI: Ooh. Chicanery? For me? CHRISTOPHER: Anything for you. Anything. So, you happy? LORELAI: Really happy. This is wonderful. You didn't have to do it, you know? CHRISTOPHER: I wanted to. LORELAI: I would've been happy with a croissant. CHRISTOPHER: Or a park bench. I know. LORELAI: Why a park bench? CHRISTOPHER: Remember when we were 16 and planning to go to Paris? We always said we'd sleep on a park bench. LORELAI: Oh, yeah! Well, because we didn't have any money, so we couldn't afford a hotel we'd have to sleep on a park bench. I can't believe you remember that. CHRISTOPHER: I'd still sleep on a park bench with you. LORELAI: Name the bench. MAITRE D': Compliments of the chef... Langoustine on a bed of mush and candied carrot cannelle. Have you decided on the wine? CHRISTOPHER: Yes. We're gonna go with the '78 Latour. MAITRE D': Excellent choice, monsieur. CHRISTOPHER: [Chuckles] LORELAI: I love you. CHRISTOPHER: I love you, too. LORELAI: So, this fix? Not only bigger than a breadbox, also a lot better. CHRISTOPHER: Told you. LORELAI: Hey, when we're done, can we go back to that beautiful bed? CHRISTOPHER: You don't want to sleep on a park bench? LORELAI: Mmm... no park bench. [They Kiss] CHRISTOPHER: Thank god. MRS KIMS ANTIQUES MRS KIM: Oh this is very nice. LANE: So, mama, the reason we wanted to talk to you is 'cause... MRS KIM: If you're wondering about your room, it isn't ready yet. LANE: We weren't wondering -- mama! MRS KIM: You want two separate beds, correct? LANE: Well, that's not really the issue. MRS KIM: Better for Zach to have his own bed. Soon, you will be giant. Who can sleep with that? LANE: Mama, could you stop for a minute? We really need to talk. MARTY: I have to unload this shipment. I may be old, but I can multitask. ZACH: The thing is, Mrs. Kim, when you said that we should move in with you and I said, "cool," what I meant was, "that's cool... "that you're offering to have us move in, but... no." MRS KIM: What do you mean, "no"? LANE: We really appreciate the offer, mama, but Zach and are going to be parents soon, and we're adults... ZACH: You know, young adults. Not like I'm gonna be smoking a pipe, and she's gonna be all, "hey, let's watch '60 minutes.'" LANE: ...And we're gonna be starting our own family, and it's important to us that we do that in our own home. We can do this, mama. We're ready. MRS KIM: Very well. I respect your decision. [Lane and Zach look at each other] LANE: Cool! LORELAI'S HOUSE - BATHROOM OLIVIA: How much do you love this hair? RORY: So much! LUCY: Okay now we're gonna have to start a girl band. OLIVIA: We so have to. LUCY: We'll pretend we're a Norwegian girl band, and we can purposely lip-synch just slightly off. OLIVIA: Oh, we'll be famous! LUCY: We'll be huge! You can write articles about us in the Yale Daily News. RORY: Yeah. LUCY: You can say things like, we're the hottest thing to come out of Norway since... what came out of Norway? OLIVIA: We got the Vikings, Edvard Munch, and that's all I got. LUCY: I mean, you still have an in at the newspaper, right? OLIVIA: Sure she does. It's like once you're president, you're president forever, unless you get assassinated. LUCY: Actually, it's good Rory's not editor anymore. More time to be in "The Forbidden Fjords." OLIVIA: Okay yeah. LUCY: Wait. We need to discuss the name. Rory, where are you on "The Forbidden Fjords"? [Rory starts to cry] LUCY: Oh, my god. Rory, are you okay? RORY: I'm fine. OLIVIA: Do you hate your hair? LUCY: 'Cause you can change it. OLIVIA: So easy. RORY: No, no, no, I love my hair. It's -- it's nothing. It's stupid. LUCY: It's not nothing. OLIVIA: What is it? RORY: [Crying] Everything is just...ending. I just feel like everything is gonna be over. I'm done at the paper. Soon I'm gonna be done at Yale, and it's just like I'm standing on this cliff, looking out into this huge, foggy... LUCY: Abyss? RORY: [They starts to sit on the bathroom floor]...Like, a huge, foggy abyss, and, in my whole life, there's never been an abyss. It's been abyssless. I've always known exactly what is in front of me, and I've always known exactly where I'm going, and now...I don't know what's out there. OLIVIA: Besides fog. RORY: A ton of fog, and I hate not knowing what is out there. I mean, what's going to happen to my career and my relationship with Logan and the rest of my life? LUCY: Rory... RORY: I'm so sorry, I don't mean to... drag everything down. LUCY: I so know what you're talking about. OLIVIA: Totally! RORY: Really? LUCY: Are you kidding? Once I move that tassel to the other side, I have no idea what the hell I'm gonna do. I mean, besides that FBI gig. OLIVIA: I'm an art major -- not like that's an obvious road sign to the rest of my life. RORY: I can't believe you guys worry about this. I mean, you're so carpe diem-ish. LUCY: But how could you not be worried about it? OLIVIA: Everywhere you turn, someone's talking about their brilliant plans for next year. LUCY: I mean even our friends that were laid-back -- English majors, philosophy majors -- they're talking about coming investment bankers. When did that happen? OLIVIA: Traitors. LUCY: The other day, somebody used the phrase "negative amortization." What the hell is that?! RORY: [Sighs] I have no idea what I'm doing. Maybe I should be applying to grad schools. I mean... journalism school or law school. Maybe I should go to law school. LUCY: Dude, you don't want to go to law school. RORY: I so don't want to go to law school. PARIS - RESTAURANT [Music plays] LORELAI: You're amazing. CHRISTOPHER: No, you are. LORELAI: Don't start a fight with me. I'm trying to say thank you. CHRISTOPHER: You're welcome. LORELAI: I mean, this is ridiculous. This is incredible. Here we are just finishing dinner, and the sun is coming up and people are just going to work. I mean, it's just all so unreal. I feel like any minute the waiters could break into song. CHRISTOPHER: Well, if you want...what? LORELAI: I'm just so happy. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah? LORELAI: Yeah. I don't ever want to leave Paris. CHRISTOPHER: I know. LORELAI: I don't want it to be over, I don't want it to end. CHRISTOPHER: Well it doesn't have to end. When we get back to Stars Hollow, we can sleep all day and wander the town in the night, and... that stuff we did back in the hotel room -- we can definitely do that back in stars hollow. LORELAI: Are you saying we'll always have Paris? CHRISTOPHER: I'm saying I love you, Lorelai. LORELAI: I love you, too. CHRISTOPHER: And, Lor? LORELAI: What? CHRISTOPHER: Remember when I told you that I would wait till we were both 80 for you to figure out us? LORELAI: U-us? CHRISTOPHER: You and me? LORELAI: Right. CHRISTOPHER: I don't want to wait. LORELAI: Chris... CHRISTOPHER: I mean it. LORELAI: But don't you think it's -- it's too soon? CHRISTOPHER: No. LORELAI: We've only been dating a few months. CHRISTOPHER: Try 25 years. LORELAI: I know, but you know what I mean. CHRISTOPHER: So it's taken us this long to work it out, to figure it out, but we're here now. We're ready. We're finally ready. Let's do it, let's do it right here in Paris. LORELAI: No, n-not here. CHRISTOPHER: Why not? LORELAI: Well, Rory... CHRISTOPHER: Rory? Rory will be thrilled. LORELAI: Honey, I love you, I really do, but... I think we should wait. CHRISTOPHER: Come on, Lor. We love each other. We belong together. What do you say? Marry me. LANE, ZACH AND BRIAN'S APARTMENT - EXTERIOR [Lane and Zach are coming home] LANE: No ZACH: But those are cool names, and whenever we call for "Marco," polo would answer with his name, so we'd always know where he was. LANE: No. [They enter the apartment] LANE: We don't even know if they're going to be boys. [Stops] Mama! MRS KIM: This place is a death trap! LANE: What are you doing. MRS KIM: We must think like a baby. Anything that can be grabbed with little baby hands must be put up high or locked away in cupboards. ZACH: How'd she get in? MRS KIM: Who couldn't get in? Hiding a key under the mat is like hosting a burglars-only open house. LANE: Mama we're gonna baby-proof the apartment, but we've still got like months. MRS KIM: Of course, the drum kit has to go into storage, and you must throw away all of these. ZACH: My guitar picks? MRS KIM: To you, they are guitar picks. To a baby, they are candy waiting to be choked on. ZACH: That's true. One time, I was tuning to an open "e" and holding a pick between my teeth, and Brian made this really funny sound, and I snorted a laugh, so the pick went shooting to the back of my throat. LANE: Mama, did you shop for us? MRS KIM: Yes, and I will cook dinner as soon as I am finished unpacking. LANE: Unpacking? MRS KIM: My things. [They turn to see some suitcases] You are adults now. You should raise your children in your own home. It would be wrong for you to move in with me, so I will move in with you... Cool? ZACH: Um... LANE: [Worried] Mama? Where's Brian? MRS KIM: Don't worry about Brian. Brian is fine. [Cut to a scene of Brian having dinner with his new "Korean family"] BRIAN: Um, could you please pass the Bulgogi? YALE - HALLWAY [The girls are walking] LUCY: French fries. RORY: Yep. LUCY: Definitely French fries. OLIVIA: Even if I haven't even gone within a mile of one... RORY: Always smell like French fries after a road trip. LUCY: Smell like? Feel like. A thin layer of vegetable grease all over me. [She unlocks the door and enters.] Boyfriend! MARTY: Hey! OLIVIA: I think boyfriend's here. RORY: No way. MARTY: Mmm! LUCY: So once we saw the hair, it was like obvious -- girl band. Rory has the most awesome house. You have to meet Rory. Rory... this is boyfriend. RORY: Oh! I... MARTY: Actually, it's Marty. Nice to meet you. RORY: [Confused] You too. OLIVIA: Okay... I got to show you the dresses for our Norwegian band. So perfect. LUCY: Go get yours. [Too Rory] You're going to be, like, "we have to wear these dresses." [They go off to change] RORY: What's going on? MARTY: What do you mean? RORY: Um...why did you just pretend like you didn't know me? MARTY: Oh... I just thought it would be weird. RORY: Weird? That we were friends? Why would that be weird? MARTY: Well, what's the difference? I mean, it's not important. RORY: But... yeah, but we used to hang out all the time you know... LUCY: Ta-da! OLIVIA: Give it up for The Forbidden Fjords! LUCY: Aren't these perfect? RORY: They are. They're perfect. OLIVIA: Two Halloweens ago, Lucy and I went to a party as "and Dawn," without Tony Orlando. LUCY: [Too Marty, now sitting on the couch together] Do you like me in this dress? MARTY: Yeah, you look nice and shiny. Goes great with your hair. LUCY: Thank you. [Too Rory] Was I right? Doesn't boyfriend have unreal hair? RORY: [Smiling] He does. LUCY: So, the road trip... OLIVIA: It was so far out. LUCY: The town where Rory grew up is, like, your perfect small town. [Rory looks hurt but puts on a fake smile] OLIVIA: You expect professor Harold hill to move there and sucker everyone into buying band instruments. LUCY: It's, like, ideal, but not scary, "a serial killer lives next door" ideal. 4-h club ideal. LORELAI'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM [Night time, Lorelai and Chris enter, Lorelai puts the keys down and looks around] LORELAI: Bonsoir, house. CHRISTOPHER: Feels good to be home, huh? LORELAI: So good. [sits on the couch] It's funny when you go away, even on a short trip... everything looks a little different when you get back. [Chris sits next to Lorelai] CHRISTOPHER: Yep. LORELAI: Of course, now I'm seeing it with a French perspective. CHRISTOPHER: How's it look in French? LORELAI: American and dusty. CHRISTOPHER: I'm gonna go get the rest of our stuff. [They kiss] CHRISTOPHER: Welcome home, Mrs. Hayden. [Lorelai has an uncomfortable look on her face as she looks at the ring on her finger, Chris goes to get the bags.]
Plan: A: his daughter; Q: Who is Gigi? A: Paris; Q: Where does Gigi's mother live? A: severe jet lag; Q: What is the only problem Lorelai and Christopher have when they visit Paris? A: a wonderful, romantic time; Q: What did Christopher and Lorelai have in Paris? A: Rory; Q: Who is surprised to find that Lucy's new boyfriend is her old friend Marty? A: her future; Q: What is Rory unsure of after her tenure as Editor-in-Chief of the "Yale Daily News" ends? A: Stars Hollow; Q: Where do Olivia and Lucy suggest Rory go for a girls' night? A: "Boyfriend; Q: What does Lucy call her new boyfriend? A: Miss Kim; Q: Who wants Lane and Zack to move in? A: a surprise; Q: What do Christopher and Lorelai bring home from Paris? Summary: Christopher and Lorelai take his daughter Gigi to visit her mother in Paris. Despite severe jet lag, they manage to have a wonderful, romantic time enjoying the city and each other. Rory comes to the end of her tenure as Editor-in-Chief of the "Yale Daily News" and suddenly finds herself unsure of her future. Her new friends Olivia and Lucy suggest a trip to Stars Hollow for a girls' night. When they return, Rory is surprised to find that Lucy's new boyfriend (whom she always calls "Boyfriend" instead of his name) is her old friend Marty, who pretends not to know Rory. Miss Kim wants Lane and Zack to move in, then wants to move in with them when they aren't interested. Christopher and Lorelai return home with a surprise: that they are now Mr. and Mrs. Hayden.
(Black-and-white snapshot of Gibbs in crosshairs of a rifle, gun out, searching) (View from the top of a crude elevator shaft. A man walks in and the elevator rises. The camera cuts to a view of the back of his head, and we see he is carrying a rifle. The door rises and the camera moves to the front, showing us that this is Ari Aswari. He steps out and looks around before moving off screen right. The shot cuts to Ari running over the rooftop of a building, and we hear gunshots in the distance. Ari kneels down. The camera cuts briefly to show a view of another building rooftop. Ari sets the sniper rifle up and looks through the crosshairs.) (Through the crosshairs: We see Anthony Dinozzo aiming at a terrorist.) (View of Dinozzo on the rooftop from a distance.) (Cut to Ari peering through the scope) (Crosshairs: Gibbs walks in front of Dinozzo. The crosshairs move quickly to focus on Timothy McGee, kneeling by a car.) (Cut to Ari's face) (Crosshairs: McGee ducks just as Ari fires. He scrambles behind the car. The scope moves to show another terrorist firing on McGee.) (Ari looks up from the scope, almost looking disappointed.) (A casing is ejected from the chamber.) (Ari aims the gun again.) (Crosshairs: View of McGee's head behind the car. The scope moves to a briefcase McGee left in front of the car. A shot is fired; a hole is now in the open briefcase top.) (Ari empties the chamber again. The casing falls to the ground.) (Crosshairs: Gibbs fires his gun at something twice.) (Ari's finger on the trigger.) (Crosshairs: Gibbs ducks and Kate blocks a shot for him. The focus is now on her.) (Ari peers through the scope again.) (Distance shot of the rooftop.) (Crosshairs: Gibbs running and aiming his gun off screen right. He fires. A terrorist falls.) (Ari re-aims.) (Crosshairs: Gibbs runs over to Dinozzo and bends down.) (Zoom on Ari's face) (Crosshairs: Gibbs and Dinozzo help Kate up) (Pan from Ari's face down barrel of gun) (Crosshairs: Kate turns to Gibbs, on whom the crosshairs are centered.) (Ari's finger on trigger as he readjusts the gun) (Crosshairs: Gibbs and Kate talk. Focus moves to Kate) (Ari's face, then finger on trigger. His finger tightens. A gunshot) (Crosshairs: Kate's head jerks backwards and she falls to the ground.) (Ari smiles with satisfaction) Ari: Sorry, Caitlin. (Crosshairs: Gibbs moves around, searching for the shooter, gun drawn. He appears to look straight at the crosshairs momentarily before looking away. The picture takes on the snapshot appearance.) END TEASER Opening Credits (B&W: Dinozzo and Abby hugging through rain-streaked window.) (The morgue is dark, light entering from the hallway. Faint 'dings' as elevator doors open and close. Ducky enters. He hangs up his umbrella and takes off his coat and hat. The doors hiss close. Ducky moves to the slab and opens the body bag on it, revealing Kate, looking as though she is sleeping. He turns the light on and gazes down at her body for a moment. A look of pain and sorry crosses his face, and he looks away with a slight sigh. He takes his glasses off.) (Shot of Kate's face) Ducky: Oh, Caitlin. I am so sorry. (He stares down at her.) (Shot of Kate) (Cut to outside the NCIS bullpen. It is raining. Gibbs stares at Kate's empty desk.) Kate: (off screen) Why me, Gibbs? (Cut to Kate, standing in the room, bullet hole still obvious on her forehead.) Kate: (angrily) Wasn't stopping one bullet enough for you? (Gibbs doesn't reply) Kate: (shouting) Why did I have to take two? (Gibbs shakes his head) Gibbs: I-I don't know. Kate: (disbelieving) You don't know? Come on, Gibbs. What's that famous gut tell you? (Gibbs eyes dart back and forth as he searches for an answer) Kate: (yelling) Why did I die instead of you? (The elevator door opens. Kate is suddenly gone, leaving Gibbs there alone. Dinozzo and McGee step off the elevator, walking businesslike over towards Gibbs.) Dinozzo: Found Ari's sniper's nest, Boss. McGee: Roof of the abandoned office building to the east. (Tony takes an evidence bag from an inner jacket pocket.) Dinozzo: Didn't police his brass. (Gibbs looks up) (Shot of 3 spent casings in individual jars in the bag.) (Gibbs circles around his desk and takes the evidence bag from Tony. He holds it under his desk lamp.) McGee: They're Lapua .308s. (Tony gives him a look.) McGee: I-I didn't mean that you couldn't see that, Boss. Gibbs: (with a shrug) I can't, without my glasses. (Tony and McGee exchange looks) Gibbs: (turning back to the evidence) Lapuas. Match-grade sniper ammo. You guys find any bullets? Dinozzo: Uh, none that matched the casings. I left three guys on the roof searching. (A beat of silence as Gibbs continues to examine the casings through the bag) Dinozzo: McGee and I'll go back to the roof, Boss. (Gibbs hands the bag back to Tony, who flinches, expecting a blow) Gibbs: Tony, you're soaking wet. Go put some dry clothes on. (He pats Tony on the back) (Tony stares at Gibbs in disbelief and then looks at McGee.) (Cut to Gibbs from outside the window) Gibbs: Ari's rooftop wasn't much higher than ours. (CGI of bullet leaving the sniper rifle, passing through Kate's head, and continuing on towards, it seems, the viewer.) (Back to Gibbs) Gibbs: Rooflines behind were lower. No telling how far a full metal jacket bullet would go after killing Kate. McGee: (quietly, to Tony) How's he know it's a full metal jacket? Dinozzo: Didn't you see Kate? McGee: I didn't want to. Dinozzo: Her head was intact. McGee: So...she didn't look bad? Dinozzo: No. No, not at all, probie. In fact, a little mortuary putty right here... (taps McGee's forehead) and she'll be good as new. Course, she was having a bad hair day, though, right back here, 'cause a full metal jacket'll put a hole the size of a grapefruit right about there...(smacks the back of McGee's head) McGee: Tony. Please. Dinozzo: (pats McGee on the shoulder) I'm sorry, kid. Gibbs: Three rounds? Only one hit? Dinozzo: He must've popped off a couple of rounds while you were weaving across the roof. Gibbs: I was standing still when Kate was shot. Dinozzo: McGee lasered the distance at nearly 600 meters. McGee: 572. Dinozzo: Slight shift in the wind, he misses you, he hits Kate. (Flashback) (Gibbs on roof, panning gun around. Kate dead on the ground. Focus on an American flag. It is perfectly still.) (End flashback) Gibbs: There was no wind. Dinozzo: What're you saying, he was aiming at Kate? You're the one he wants to kill! McGee: Ari had a thing for Kate. Dinozzo: What are you talking about? McGee: She told me that he was always coming on to her. In autopsy, when he kidnapped her and let her go. Dinozzo: She never told me that. McGee: Gee, what a surprise. Dinozzo: What? (smacks McGee's head) Huh? Gibbs: Don't do that, Tony. (Tony looks confused) (Gibbs examines a hole in a briefcase.) Gibbs: When was this hit, Tim? McGee: When I was pinned down. Gibbs: Ari have a shot at it? (Flashback) (McGee behind car. Shots ring out. He scrambles for cover. Flashes of the terrorist. A hole is blown in the briefcase after McGee returns fire.) (End flashback) McGee: Our car was between the controller and the terrorist. There was no way he could have hit it. Boss, I'm-I'm sorry, I should have realized it was Ari. Dinozzo: Why didn't he pop McGee? McGee: Oh, thanks, Tony. Dinozzo: All I'm saying is, you're a sizable target. The controller isn't. McGee: You saying I'm fat? Dinozzo: No. I mean, maybe a little around the waist, under the chin. Gibbs: He didn't have an angle on Tim. Dinozzo: Wow. You owe that shooter from the warehouse a thank you. He saved your life. Gibbs: (talking through his observations of the controller) The bullet entered here. Could've ricocheted into the car. McGee: Well, I'll get on it. Gibbs: Abby should be here by now. Tony, see what you can pull off that brass. (Gibbs hands Tony the evidence bag. He walks away. The two agents stare after him. Gibbs looks around agitatedly before walking quickly off.) Gibbs: I'm going for coffee. Can I get you boys some? (They stare, dumbfounded.) Dinozzo: No. McGee: Thanks. (Gibbs nods and leaves) Dinozzo: That's a first. McGee: He called me 'Tim.' Dinozzo: He patted my back. McGee: It's kind of nice. Dinozzo: Nice? I don't want nice. It's not Gibbs if he's nice. (Tony turns away, leaving McGee standing there) (Cut to a Hummer driving by a fence in the rain. Gibbs walks along a sidewalk. He stares up at the sky and then looks in both directions and zips up his jacket. He walks by the window of Abby's lab, and we see her inside, head in hands.) (Cut to Abby, inside lab. She's staring at a caricature of herself as a vampire, complete with fangs and batwings. The camera pans around until we see Kate, with a long platinum blond wig and black lipstick) Kate: You're a mess, girl. Red eyes, no makeup. If ever there was a time for black lipstick, it's now. (Abby smiles and wipes a tear away. She picks up black lipstick and begins to apply it) (Kate comes up in the mirror behind her) Kate: Remember when we first met? (laughs) I couldn't believe you were a forensic scientist. I thought Goths had bats for pets, or vice versa. Abby: I really liked you, Kate. A lot. Kate: Don't start that again. Where're your pigtails. I love you in pigtails. (Abby starts putting them in) That's better. You were persistent, Abs. First the dark lipstick, then the black nail polish. Next thing you know, I have a tat on my bum. Oh, God. Ducky's gonna see it! (she and Abby both laugh) I'm dead, and I'm embarrassed. (Cut to Tony at the entrance to the lab, listening to Abby laugh) Dinozzo: Abby. (Abby stops laughing and looks at him) Abby: Hey, Tony. Dinozzo: You okay? Abby: I will be, soon as I tie up my pigtails. There. What can I do for you? (a beat) What? Dinozzo: You're weirder than Gibbs. Abby: How so? Dinozzo: He's being nice. Abby: Gibbs is always nice. Dinozzo: To you and Ducky, maybe, to me...growls at, smacks on the head. Abby: (rising) Which makes you feel wanted. Dinozzo: Yeah. Abby: What d'ya got for me? (a moment of silence. Tony hands Abby the evidence bag with the 3 casings) Dinozzo: .308 casings from Ari's sniper's nest. (He hands the bag to her) Abby: (exasperated) You would have to give me the most popular caliber in the world. Dinozzo: Well, hey, I just found them. Can you tell what kind of gun he used? Abby: (rolls eyes) A .308. Dinozzo: What model .308? Abby: You don't know? Dinozzo: Would I be asking? Abby: Well, how'm I supposed to know? Dinozzo: Because you're the firearms expert. Abby: That I am. (pulls a latex glove from a box) And when I'm done, I will tell you: the propellant, the primer, the percentage of nickel and copper in the brass, whether or not all three rounds were fired from the same weapon, which you assume, but I can prove or disprove. I will tell you who manufactured the ammo, the batch number, and perhaps where it was sold. I will also, with some degree of accuracy, tell you if it was fired from a lever action, a bolt action, a semi-automatic, or an automatic weapon. However, there is no way in hell I can tell you which of the 87 different .308 models fired those rounds! Dinozzo: The rounds are Lapua. Abby: What? Dinozzo: Lapua made the ammo. Logo's on the round. Abby: (tearfully) Tony, I'm gonna miss her. (They hug) Dinozzo: Me, too. (Crosshairs: Tony's head through rain-streaked window. Focus shifts to Abby and the picture goes to B&W) END ACT I (B&W: Gibbs and a woman smile at each other) (Gibbs walks along sidewalk in the rain, carrying a cup of coffee. His path leads right in front of the windows to Abby's lab.) (The sound of a bullet whipping past Gibbs' head. He ducks slightly. The bullet shatters the glass in one of the windows. The gunshot rings out. Gibbs drops the coffee and runs.) (Cut to inside the lab. Tony has knocked Abby down and is lying on top of her.) Dinozzo: You hit? Abby: (strained) No. You're heavy. Dinozzo: (as he gets up) Sorry. (he drags her against a metal lab bench) (He draws his gun and she feels his leg) Abby: God, no wonder you're so heavy. Tony, you're all muscle. Dinozzo: Abby, shh! Abby: Packing a nice booty, too. Dinozzo: Hey, is this how you deal with getting shot at? Abby: I don't know, it's my first time. Gibbs: (os) Abby! Tony: Boss, down! (the lights go mostly out, and Gibbs ducks to run towards Tony and Abby) Taking fire. (Gibbs hits another 2 light switches and ducks) (Cut to outside. We see a dark SUV. A close-up of the driver's side reveals that the window is down and a sniper is aiming out of it. It is Ari.) (Crosshairs: Searching for a target, and the lights go out) (Ari pulls the muzzle back, takes the brass from the chamber and tosses it onto the road. He rolls the window up and drives away.) (Cut to inside the lab) Gibbs: (to Abby) You okay? Abby: Yeah. Gibbs: Close off Anacostia Park between the bridges. It's a crime scene. (Dinozzo nods and starts to move off, but Gibbs grabs his leg) Hey! What if he has a night-vision scope? Dinozzo: That's a good point, Boss. (he crawls away) Gibbs: I will get you bulletproof glass. Abby: There's no such thing, Gibbs. Gibbs: Okay. Bullet-resistant glass. (he pulls something from her hair) Abby: Ari didn't shoot at you and hit Kate by mistake, did he? He's after me now. Gibbs: I was walking by that window when he fired. Abby: You're just saying that to make me feel safe. Gibbs: (pulls her into his arms) I'll keep you safe, Abby. (kisses her head) I promise. (Cut to morgue. Ducky is writing on a specimen jar. He moves to stare down at Kate's face. Her eyes open and she smiles a bit.) Kate: I appreciate your keeping me covered in front of the others. Especially Tony. Ducky: Yes, I know how modest you are. Kate: (chuckles) Were. I'm dead now, Ducky. Shouldn't be. Could've killed Ari right here, in autopsy. (Flashback) (Kate grabs scalpel, threatens Ari, he overpowers her.) (end flashback) Ducky: Why did you hesitate? Kate: His eyes. There was something in his eyes that made me not want to kill him. Ducky: His eyes were ice to me. (Sound of the door hissing open) (Ducky looks back a bit, and covers Kate's face as Gibbs enters.) Gibbs: Ari fired into Abby's lab. Ducky: Good Lord. Gibbs: It had to come from across the river, from Anacostia Park. Ducky: Was Abigail hurt? Gibbs: No, she's a little shook up. Tony's with her. Ducky: In the lab? (walks to opposite end of autopsy) Gibbs: In the squad room, writing up an incident report. (Gibbs stares at Kate's covered body on the slab) Gibbs: You should've brought in another ME, Duck. Ducky: Couldn't. (approaches with a bottle of alcohol) Not for Caitlin. (pours the spirits into two glasses) Gibbs: I've lost men in combat. You hope you won't, you know you will. Ducky: This is different. Gibbs: But it shouldn't be. Kate was an agent. She knew she had to lay her life on the line. (Ducky starts to say something, but Gibbs keeps talking) But you're right. It's different. Ducky: Well, you just said it. You've lost men. Have you ever lost a woman? (chuckles) Let's face it, Jethro, you and I are a couple of old chauvinists. Women will never be equal in our eyes until they're equal in death. Gibbs: Why, Ducky? Why Kate? Why not me? Ducky: Well, maybe he meant to hit you. Gibbs: No. No, him sniping at me means he's after my people. Women first. Ducky: Then he's torturing you. One has to wonder: what made him such a sadist? Gibbs: I don't give a damn. I just want to kill the b*st*rd. (Cut to evidence garage. Abby's head is buried in the trunk of a car. She's wearing an orange NCIS jumpsuit) Abby: Hey, McGee, take a look at this. (McGee closes a door and places a large piece of metal on the ground before walking around to the back of the car. Abby holds up a casing.) Abby: I think it's a .308. (McGee just stares at Abby's butt) Abby: Stop staring at my butt and get me an evidence jar. (He gets her one) McGee: Drop it. (She drops it in and he twists the lid shut...only to go back to staring at her butt) Abby: Oh! I found another one! (Gibbs is looking over McGee's shoulder now. He turns around quickly) McGee: Boss, uh, we-we-we found a .308 slug. (Gibbs nods) (Abby stands up and turns around with another slug in the tweezers in her hand) Abby: Two. They were plugged in the trunk. (McGee gets another evidence jar and she drop the slug in) Gibbs: (examining other evidence jars) These fired by that dirt bag in the warehouse? Abby: Yes. Those I found in the right side of the car. (She points and Gibbs moves to look) .9 mil. slugs. McGee: (as Gibbs runs his finger around a large hole in the car's side) Ari missed with his first shot, hit the controller with the second. Gibbs: Where were you before you took cover? McGee: (moving around the car) Uh, right here. (squats down to demonstrate) Gibbs: (judging bullet trajectory) Tony's right. You do owe that terrorist a thank you. (McGee looks at the hole, then away) (Flashback) (The terrorist shoots at McGee. He dives for cover behind the trunk. The bullet hole is superimposed over current McGee's forehead) (End flashback) (McGee looks at the bullet hole again and stands up.) Dinozzo: (entering) He didn't police his brass again. Metro PD found a .308 casing in the park next to tire tracks. Gibbs: And? Dinozzo: Nothing. I was waiting for you to tell me to tell them to bring the evidence here ASAP. Gibbs: What, I have to tell you that Dinozzo? Dinozzo: You always do. Gibbs: Tell Metro PD to... Dinozzo: (interrupting) Already did, Boss. (Gibbs gives him a dirty look and gets on the elevator) Oh, and by the way, the director wants to see you up at MTAC. (gives a thumbs up) (Tony smiles superiorly) Abby: Why are you baiting Gibbs? Dinozzo: Trying to get him to stop being nice. McGee: I like him nice. (Tony and Abby regard McGee for a beat and then smack him simultaneously on the back of the head) (Cut to Gibbs entering MTAC. Agents with headsets are staring at monitors depicting an apparently empty road in a desert.) (Gibbs sits next to the director.) Director: What do you have? (as Gibbs and the director talk, the camera pans across the array of screens in MTAC) Gibbs: Brass from Ari's sniper's next, three bullets, tire tracks in Anacostia Park. Ari fired a shot across the river into our forensics lab. Director: Unusual for a sniper not to police his brass, isn't it? Gibbs: Yes, sir. Director: I've received calls from every director I know promising to hunt down this sniper as if he'd killed one of their own. Gibbs: FBI might be the most help. Ari Aswari is their mole. Director: I endorsed your recommendation to award the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Special Agent Todd. Gibbs: (nods) Thank you, sir. Director: According to your after-action report, no one actually saw the sniper who killed Agent Todd. Gibbs: Ari was on a rooftop 600 meters away. Director: Extraordinary shot. Gibbs: No, sir, not really. Director: You were a sniper with the Corps, weren't you? Gibbs: Two tours. Director: Vietnam? Gibbs: I'm not that old, sir. Panama. Desert Storm. Director: Thought you were older. Female Agent: (os) Target vehicle approaching. Male Agent: (speaking in Hebrew) Acquiring target. Voice over speakers: We have a hard lock. Male Agent: Target confirmed. Engage. Voice over speakers: Weapon free. (as this was going on, the camera cuts between a view of the screens showing a white van and the people in MTAC.) Voice over speakers: Good lock on target. (The crosshairs on the screen run along until they find the vehicle. The van explodes in a ball of fire) Male Agent: (in Hebrew) Confirming target hit. Thank you very much. (Agents shake hands and murmur congratulations to each other. Gibbs watches) Female Agent: (os) Good job, everyone. Director: Where was I? Gibbs: Avoiding using Ari's name and the word 'sniper' in the same sentence. Sir. Director: Your anger is understandable, Jethro. You lost a good agent. You want payback. Gibbs: Don't you, sir? Director: That's a passion I can't afford. Gibbs: You honestly think it wasn't Ari? Director: No, but there are those who do. Gibbs: (laughs) Those who ran him? Those who thought they had the Holy Grail of moles? Those people covering their asses right now. Director: Make sure you cover yours when you bring him in. Gibbs: Won't be a problem, sir. I won't be bringing him in. Director: (looks sideways at Gibbs then starts to rise) Anyway, you're not my problem anymore, Jethro. Gibbs: You firing me, sir? Director: I've been offered a deputy director's position at Homeland Security. Gibbs: You'd leave NCIS, sir? Director: Well, the agency could use some younger blood. Gibbs: Well, who'd be replacing you, sir? (a smile tugs at the director's lips) Not me. Director: (laughs) Much as I like you, Jethro, I would not shoot NCIS in the head. (walks away) He's you're problem now, Director. (A woman stands up and turns around.) Jennifer Shepard: Hello, Jethro. (Flashback) (Flashes of people in bed together, and a brief shot of the Eiffel Tower) (End flashback) Shepard: Should we skip the 'You haven't changed a bit' bull? Gibbs: Why start lying to each other now, Jen? Shepard: Any problem taking orders from me? Gibbs: As director, or as a woman? Shepard: Either. Gibbs: (shakes head slightly) That was six years ago. (rises) The past won't be a problem. (descends the stairs and looks her in the eye) You were a damn good agent. Especially under cover. Shepard: Jethro. Gibbs: Madam Director. (They smile at each other for a moment before the shot becomes B&W) END ACT II (B&W: Ari, sitting in the driver's seat of a car, puts a cell phone down) (Sheppard and Gibbs emerge from MTAC) Shepard: You have no physical evidence linking Ari to the shootings, no wonder agencies here and abroad have doubts. Gibbs: This b*st*rd already killed one of my people, he's trying to kill more, and I'll tell you something else: No suit with a tight sphincter is getting in my way, and that includes you, Jen. (He continues down the stairs, but she stop at the top of the steps) Shepard: Special Agent Gibbs. (he turns and walks back up to her) On the job, it is 'Director Sheppard' or 'Ma'am.' Gibbs: Okay, what about off the job? Shepard: There won't be any 'off the job,' Agent Gibbs. Gibbs: That's too bad. I missed you, Jen. Shepard: Don't make this difficult, Jethro. Gibbs: (short nod) Fair enough. Won't happen again. Director. (she walks down the stairs in front of him) Shepard: We will continue with this conversation in private. Gibbs: Gotta change my clothes, we can talk in my car on the way to the house. Shepard: Gibbs! Gibbs: Hey, I got a dead agent, and a sniper on the loose. I do not have ten minutes to spare. Tony. Where are we? Dinozzo: McGee and Abby are working firearms analysis. I'm matching tire tracks to vehicles. (he peers at Sheppard from over the photograph he is looking at) Gibbs: No one is to leave the building. McGee's on protection detail with Abby. I'll be back in an hour. (Tony peers around the side of his desk at Sheppard's legs as she and Gibbs head for the elevator. He smiles wolfishly.) Kate: (os) Your mother should have washed your mind out with soap.(she is dressed as a Catholic school girl, with an exceptionally short skirt) Gibbs leaves with a woman, and your only thought is "Nooner." Dinozzo: Was not. Kate: Was, too. I've always known what you were thinking, Tony. (He doesn't reply, checking her out instead) What? What are you up to? (his tongue pokes out between his teeth as he ogles. She looks down and squeaks) Tony! I just died, and you're having a sexual fantasy? Dinozzo: (a pause and a smile) I can't help it. (a wind blows, revealing Kate's panties) Kate: (furious) Dinozzo! Dinozzo: Sometimes I used to picture you naked. (a scream) (A girl dressed in fatigues with a visitors badge is standing nearby, having obviously just walked in. Tony doesn't notice her. She looks at where he's staring, then back at him. He finally notices, but is caught unawares.) Dinozzo: I'll call you back. (hits the receiver of his phone twice and turns his attention to the new girl) Hi. I was just... (shrugs a little) Ziva David: Having phone s*x? Dinozzo: (trying to laugh it off) Phone s*x? No. Ah, charades. Ziva: Charades? Like, uh... (moves her hands like she was running an old-fashioned video camera) Dinozzo: (accusingly) You've played. Ziva: Never on the telephone. Dinozzo: Yeah, yeah. My partner and I were coming up with quotes for Saturday night. Ziva: (she nods, obviously not believing him) You play charades on Saturday night? Dinozzo: To kill time before I go clubbing. Who are you? Ziva: Ziva David. Mossad. (shows him her ID) Dinozzo: You're Israeli? Ziva: (sarcastically as she walks towards Gibbs' desk) Very good, the way you made that connection. Mossad, Israeli. Dinozzo: What can I do for you, Miss David? Ziva: Nothing. I'm here to see Special Agent Gibbs. Dinozzo: How do you know I'm not Gibbs. Ziva: (ironic laugh. she sits in McGee's chair and stares at him) Gibbs? Dinozzo: He'll be back in an hour. You sure I can't help you? Ziva: (tut-tuts) I don't think so. (Tony stares at her and she smiles confidently back at him) Dinozzo: We got off to a bad start. (clears throat) I'm Special Agent Tony Dinozzo. I wasn't playing charades, I was...remembering my partner. Ziva: (frowns up at him) Naked? Dinozzo: No. (a beat) Yes. I- I was just...Look, I'm not the only man who does it. Ziva: Women do it, too. (eyes him) With handsome men. (he turns and goes back to his desk, and she calls after him) And even an occasional woman. Dinozzo: Now you're teasing me. Ziva: Didn't your partner tease you? Dinozzo: Not about s*x. Kate was kinda puritanical. Ziva: Sorry. Dinozzo: But that didn't matter, I wasn't interested in her we were...(pauses to watch her take her hair down) partners. Ziva: She wasn't attractive. Dinozzo: She was...but not to me. Ziva: Then why did you imagine her naked? Dinozzo: (laughs and shakes a finger at her) Miss David, you can sit there and slouch provocatively for an hour if you'd like, or you can tell me what you need, and maybe I can help. Ziva: You can't help because I'm here to stop Special Agent Gibbs from killing a Mossad officer. Dinozzo: Ari Aswari? Ziva: Yes. Dinozzo: (beckons her close) I'd wish you luck, but I want the b*st*rd dead, too. (Cut to Gibbs' basement. Jen Shepard is sitting there) Shepard: This the same boat you were building 6 years ago? Gibbs: Nope. Shepard: What happened to it? Gibbs: Burned her. Shepard: (confused) Why would you...? (enlightenment dawns) You named it after an ex-wife. Gibbs: Let's go. Shepard: Which one? Gibbs: You know damn well which one. Shepard: Why didn't you change the name? Gibbs: Because it wouldn't matter. Every time I went out on her, I'd think of Diane. Shepard: You could've sold it. Gibbs: And watched some other guy sail off on her? Shepard: You didn't care who sailed off on Diane. (long pause) Leroy Jethro Gibbs. You are a strange man. Gibbs: (incredulously) Me? Hah! You were a good agent, Jen. Shepard: (annoyed) Were? Gibbs: Yeah. Director's job is pure politics. Shepard: I'm good at politics. NCIS needs someone who can shake the money tree on the hill and work the sister agencies. Gibbs: Wait. You won't call a boat a 'she', but it's 'sister' agencies?! Shepard: I'm a schizoid libber. Comes from working with chauvinists like you. Gibbs: I can't believe you would give up fieldwork for 'rubber chicken' dinners. Shepard: I don't think they serve that dish at Palena. Gibbs: Never heard of it. Shepard: Why would you? It isn't take out. Gibbs: So, which of the tight sphincters is taking you out to dinner? Please, tell me it's not Fornell. (a pause) Shepard: CBS Early Show. They want background before I go on TV. Gibbs: Jen. Jen, you can't do that. Shepard: (incredulous) Excuse me? Gibbs: Ari is a chauvinist. He is taking out the women I work with before me. Shepard: Jethro. People who know don't believe Ari Aswari is the sniper, and you haven't provided any evidence to prove them wrong. Gibbs: Have you ever doubted me? Shepard: Professionally? Never. Gibbs: Why are you doubting me now? Shepard: I have to establish a working relationship with these people. Gibbs: Who you gonna side with, Jen? Them, or me? Shepard: Give me a tough question. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to workers installing new glass in the lab windows) (McGee wanders around and lets out an exasperated sigh) McGee: What is with this music? Abby: I'm playing it out of respect for Kate. McGee: I though you're from New Orleans? Abby: So? McGee: Well, don't they play jazz at funerals? Abby: Coming from the cemetery after the body has been buried. On the way to the cemetery, we play a dirge. Do you know what a dirge is, Timmy? McGee: Creepy music? Abby: Can you go back to the squad room and let me do my job? McGee: I can't. Abby: (suspicious) Why? McGee: Gibbs...Gibbs told me to watch over you. Abby: Oh. That is so sweet! (turns back to her computer, leaving McGee nonplussed) (Cut to squad room. Tony has multitudes of papers on his desk) Ziva: You're from a wealthy family. Dinozzo: Really. Ziva: Born and raised on the east coast. New England boarding school. Spent some time in the Midwest and Philadelphia. Dinozzo: How would you know that? (The elevator dings os. Ziva smiles secretively) (Jen and Gibbs enter from the elevator) (Ziva goes to greet Jen) Ziva: Shalom, Jen. Sheppard: Shalom. (they kiss each other's cheeks.) Ziva: Did I miss it? Sheppard: Yes, you did, but we didn't. (Tony goes over to Gibbs) Gibbs: You first. Dinozzo: Ziva David, Mossad. She's here to stop you from whacking Ari. Yours? Gibbs: Director Jenny Shepard. Same mission. Dinozzo: Which agency? Gibbs: Ours. Dinozzo: (thinks he's joking but soon realizes he's not) Yeah? (Ziva and Jen come over) Shepard: Special Agent Gibbs, Ziva David, Mossad. Ziva: Ziva. Director Shepard has spoken often of you. Gibbs: Really? Shepard: Ziva and I worked anti-terrorist ops since 9-11. You saw one today in MTAC. Gibbs: That was yours? Ziva: I only acquired the intel. (Phone rings) (Ziva reaches down) Ziva: 'Scuse me. (Gibbs watches her walk out. Tony stares at Jen.) Shepard: Yes, I really am the new NCIS director. Dinozzo: (nods) Yeah. (she turns and leaves) Wow. (Gibbs follows her, smacking Tony on the head in the process) Ow.... Good to have you back, Boss. (Gibbs walks along, and we hear Ziva talking in Hebrew on the phone.) Ziva: (in Hebrew) I have a relationship with the new NCIS director (the camera stops on Ziva) and may be able to convince her of your innocence. But not Special Agent Gibbs. He's a man with blood in his eyes. (Cut to Ari on the phone in his car) Ari: (Hebrew) Let me worry about Gibbs. Do you have the passport and money? (Cut back to Ziva) Ziva: (Hebrew) Yes. (Cut to Ari) Ari: (Hebrew) Use the drop. (Cut to Ziva) Ari: (Hebrew, over phone) Tonight. Ziva: (nods) (Hebrew) I want to see you. (Cut to Ari) Ari: (Hebrew) Too risky. Gibbs will have you followed. We'll meet in Paris after the mission is over. (Cut to Ziva) Ari: (Hebrew, over phone) I promise. Ziva: (Hebrew) Ari...I don't want to lose you, too. Ari: (Hebrew, over phone) You won't. (Cut to Ari) Ari: Shalom. (He terminates the call and the screen turns B&W) END ACT III (B&W: Ducky in the crosshairs) (Cut to Ziva. She terminates the call on her cell phone and looks out the window) (She turns back in and walks over to her pack, businesslike) Gibbs: Miss David: Whose get cut off if Ari is not a Mossad mole, but a terrorist? Ziva: Mine, I suppose, since I'm his control officer. Gibbs: Ah, they promote control officers young in Mossad. Ziva: They have to. The good ones are dead at your age. Gibbs: (looks up and smiles) Do you know how I located Ari's terrorist cell? Ziva: GPS fix off his encrypted cell phone. He wanted to you know the terrorists' location so you could stop the missile instead of him, which would have necessitated blowing his cover. Gibbs: Only an NSA satellite can GPS an encrypted phone. Ari didn't know I had that asset. Ziva: You give him less credit than he gives you. Who hung up first? You or him? (Flashback) (Gibbs in MTAC, getting a lock on Ari's phone, both hanging up simultaneously) (End flashback) Ziva: Ari knows a fix takes only nineteen seconds. When Sharon visited Bush, Ari's Hamas cell kidnapped Agent Todd. Why didn't he kill her instead of freeing her to warn the Secret Service? Gibbs: (overlapping) I don't know. Why don't you arrange a meet and he can tell me? Ziva: Ari Aswari is a Mossad operative undercover in Hamas. He hasn't turned on us, or you. He didn't kill Agent Todd. Shepard: Gibbs, even if you're right, we owe them proof. Ziva: That's all we ask. Don't kill the wrong man. Gibbs: Like Mossad did in Norway? Ziva: (banging hand on desk) That stink cost us dearly. Gibbs: Not as dearly as the Palestinian waiter you killed. (a tense pause) Shepard: Ziva, assure your deputy director that even though Ari Aswari is a suspect, no action will be taken unless we have evidentiary proof. (Ziva nods, and Jen turns to Gibbs) Proof before action. (Gibbs stares at her before getting up) (Cut to lab. Abby test fires sniper rifles. McGee sits at a desk, bored) McGee: You were my sweet superhero, Kate. (McGee's vision of Kate, in tight black leather, comes flying over his head and flips to land on her feet in front of him on the desk, looking like a Trinity out of The Matrix) Kate: (smiles) You're a naughty boy, Timmy. McGee: Oh my God, I'm becoming Tony. (Kate giggles. She does a back flip off the desk, her outfit changing in midair to become something more like a dominatrix, with cop hat and a whip.) McGee: Oh, wow! Abby: Wow what? McGee: (snapping out of reverie) Um, I, um, I-I, um... Abby: Stop 'ah-umming,' McGee, spit it out. McGee: I was, uh, thinking about Kate. Abby: Me, too. I kinda still feel like she's here, you know? (Goth-Kate smiles at Abby from a corner of the lab.) (Cut to McGee staring at Dominatrix-Kate wagging a finger at him) (McGee keeps walking in a daze and Abby smacks him on the head. He looks around guiltily.) (Cut to view of Tony and Gibbs in the elevator) Gibbs: I want you on Ziva's ass. Dinozzo: She's not really my type, Boss. (Gibbs smacks his head) Gibbs: To tail her. Dinozzo: I knew that. Gibbs: She's been in contact with Ari. That's the only way she could know I hung up on him. Dinozzo: Ooh. I don't want you to get pissed... Gibbs: I thought you wanted me pissed. Dinozzo: I did. It was kinda weird when you were being nice. Not that you're not nice, I mean, uh... Gibbs: Will you spit it out, Dinozzo? Dinozzo: What if Ziva's right and Ari knew you traced the call? Maybe he wasn't the sniper. Gibbs: She is right. Ari wanted me to raid the warehouse. He set me up. And it cost Kate her life. (Gibbs gets off the elevator. Tony starts after him) Dinozzo: Is he a mole or a terrorist? Gibbs: Whatever works to play his game. Dinozzo: And if Ziva leads me to Ari? Gibbs: Shadow him and call me. Dinozzo: So you can bring him in? Gibbs: Yeah, so I can bring him in... (Gibbs walks away and the elevator doors close on Dinozzo) Gibbs: ...to autopsy. (Cut to Abby in the firearms lab) Abby: The FBI database gave me six weapons whose rifling patterns fit the bullets you recovered. (smacks McGee's hand away) I've been able to eliminate all but three: two SWAT weapons, the Tango-51 and Bravo-51, and this... Gibbs: (cutting her off) My old friend. The Marine M3-A1 sniper rifle. (He picks it up reverently and then aims it at a wall) McGee: It looks sweet the way you hold that, Boss. Gibbs: Sweet? McGee: Uh, yeah, it's a, uh, expression, it means... Gibbs: Yeah, I know what it means, McGee. You think Ari looked sweet when he shot Kate? (he replaces the rifle) McGee: Of course not, Boss. Abby: Uh, my vote is for the Tango or Bravo-51. What d'you think, Gibbs? Gibbs: Your test runs show more gouging than Ari's. He was hand-loading and moly-coating. Abby: You are so good. McGee: Moly-coating? Abby: Yeah. Molybdenum disulfide. It's a lubricant. It decreases barrel wear and increases accuracy. Gibbs: McGee, run a trace on Tango and Bravo 51 sales, last six weeks, tri-state area. Check the Bravo first. McGee: On it, Boss. (he exits) Gibbs: Any prints on the brass? Abby: No. Is your gut telling you something? Gibbs: Yeah. I need coffee. Abby: No, Gibbs. Come on. This isn't just another investigation. Todd was your agent, but Kate was my friend, so can you stop it with the John Wayne stare and tell me what your gut says? Gibbs: (overlapping) What don't I believe in, Abby? Abby: UFOs, mystics, coincidence, saying you're sorry, excuses, I could go on all night. Gibbs: As a Marine sniper, I used hand-loaded Lapua.308, boattail, full metal jacket, moly-coated bullets. (a pause) Abby: Gibbs... Gibbs: Know what a sniper calls a Bravo-51? Abby: No. Gibbs: A 'Kate.' (He leaves, and Abby stares after him solemnly) (Cut to a black man leaving a pharmacy carrying a paper bag.) (He runs across the street and gets into his car) (Once inside, he dumps some pills into his hand and takes them.) (A hand reaches out from the back seat and clamps onto his left shoulder. He jerks forward in pain. A gun is now pointed at his head. Recovering, he looks in the rearview mirror, and sees Ari reflected in it. This is Gerald, Ducky's former lab assistant, whom Ari shot in the shoulder.) (Flashback) (Ari shooting Gerald in the shoulder at the NCIS autopsy room) (End flashback) Ari: My shoulder hurts when it rains, too, Gerald. (Cut to Ducky staring at Kate's body in autopsy) Ducky: Good night, Kate. (He puts the sheet over her head and slides her into the refrigeration chamber) (A phone rings. Ducky answers) Ducky: Autopsy (Cut to Gerald's car. Ari still has the gun to his head.) Gerald: Hello, Dr. Mallard. (Cut to autopsy) Ducky: Gerald! How are you, my dear fellow? (Cut to car) Gerald: I've been better. (Cut to autopsy) Ducky: Oh, what's wrong? Ari: (over phone) He's having flashbacks. (Ducky freezes at the voice) Ducky: Oh... who are you? Ari: (over phone) Oh, I'm hurt. You don't recognize my voice? Ducky: (realizing) You b*st*rd. (Cut to car) Ari: (laughs) You do remember me. (Cut to autopsy) Ducky: If you harm Gerald. Ari: (over phone) I have no intention of harming Gerald. (cut to car) I think one ruined shoulder is enough. It certainly is for me. (he pats Gerald's shoulder, causing him to wince again). Ducky: (over phone) What do you want? Ari: A professional courtesy. One doctor to another. (Cut to autopsy) Ducky: Yes, well, I'd be most willing to provide a free autopsy. (Cut to car) Ari: (laughs) Dr. Mallard, I want to prove I didn't kill Caitlin. (Cut to autopsy) Ducky: By taking Gerald hostage? Ari: (over phone) Gerald is free to go if you listen to my side of this tragedy. Ducky: I'm listening. (Cut to car) Ari: It's a long story, and I don't want to have somebody trace this call. Ducky: (over phone) Well, no one is here but me. (cut to autopsy) And Caitlin. Ari: (over phone) It must have been a difficult autopsy for you. (cut to car) I'm truly sorry, doctor. (Cut to autopsy) Ducky: Oh, get on with it. Ari: (over phone) You'll meet me alone. Ducky: What happens to Gerald? (Cut to car) Ari: Come alone, and you can exchange places. Gerald: Doctor, don't come, he'll kill you! (Cut to autopsy) Ari: (on phone) Learn to trust, Gerald. (cut to car) I may have shot you in the shoulder, (cut to autopsy) but I've never lied to you. Doctor? Ducky: You have my word. (cut to car) Ari: Thank you. (cut to autopsy and Ducky's reaction) (Cut to Gibbs in the squad room) Kate: Reevaluating your convictions? How many time did you tell me 'there's no such thing as a coincidence?' Shepard: Jethro. I know it's been a difficult day for both of us. Gibbs: That's what my DI used to say. Never believed him. (she starts to leave.) Jen.You going to dinner with CBS? Shepard: I am. Gibbs: Don't do that interview. Please. Shepard: (with a slight nod) I'll see if I can delay it a few days. Gibbs: Good. Shepard: Good night, Jethro. (turns to leave) Gibbs: Night. (Shepard summons the elevator. The doors open on Ducky.) Shepard: Ducky! How nice to see you again! Ducky: And you. Congratulations. (cut to Gibbs) Shepard: Going home? Ducky: Uh, yeah. Gibbs: Ducky. (he dashes for the elevator, but the doors close before he reaches it) (cut to Gerald's car) Ari: So, are you back at work, Gerald? Gerald: Next week. Ari: I've always found that work is the best... (distance shot of street. a pair of headlights approaches) (Ari smiles) (A vintage car pulls up on the opposite side of the street.) Ari: A vintage Morgan. How Ducky. Flash your lights. (Gerald does so, and we see the effect from the outside) (Ducky exits his car) Ari: Roll down your window. (Gerald complies) Ari: Now, wait in the good doctor's car while we talk. (Gerald gets out of the car slowly as Ducky walks towards it.) (Aerial shot of the two walking towards each other) (Crosshairs: Ducky walking towards the crosshairs. The screen turns B&W) TO BE CONTINUED...
Plan: A: Kate; Q: Whose death is the NCIS team dealing with? A: Gibbs; Q: Who is determined to put an end to Ari's reign of terror? Summary: While the NCIS team deals with Kate's death, Gibbs' determination to finally put an end to Ari's reign of terror mounts.
[Scene: Hells Kitchen. Eddie is sitting at the bar reading a book, when Joey comes walking up carrying her bag and grabbing her coat. She begins tallying up her receipts for the day.. It is in the middle of the day and the bar is not very busy.] Eddie: Hey. You outta here? Joey: Yeah. I got some stuff to do on campus. Eddie: 3:00? Yeah, I know when Heston's class is, Joe. Joey: I know. I just didn't want you to feel weird or something. You know, it's no fun without you. No one to contest my opinions with snarky feedback. I'm starting to feel smart or something. Eddie: Yeah, well, finals should nip that pesky ego in the butt. Joey: I can't believe this semester is almost over. Eddie: I know. Joey: Are you going home for the holidays? Eddie: What could be homier than this clean, well-lighted place? Joey: Seriously. Where are you from? Eddie: Does it make a difference? Where are you from? Joey: Capeside. Eddie: [Chuckles] Joey: What? Eddie: Nothing. It's just... Capeside. I guess that's about right. Joey: About right for what? Eddie: Hey, relax. Nothing to be ashamed of. Joey: Have you ever even been to Capeside? Eddie: They don't let my kind go that far east. Joey: Well, thank goodness we have neutral ground to spar on. Eddie: Yeah. Yeah. We're a regular Sam and Diane—me with my rugged charms, you with your fancy book learning. Joey: You know, you've got it all wrong about me, Eddie Doling. I'm a girl from the wrong side of the tracks. You don't wanna mess with the likes of me. Eddie: I don't know. I kinda like it when you get all "foxfire" on me. Nothin' like a fancy girl slummin' it. Joey: You know what? You're very lucky I have class right now, because tonight, we rumble. Eddie: I will be here. I'm workin' a double today, and don't you have anything better to do on your night off than loll around your place of work? Joey: You know, it just so happens that Hell's Belles is going to thoroughly rock the house down. Eddie: Mmm. Joey: Kinda like the onion rings. Eddie: I'll see you later, joey. [She leaves for class] [Open Credits] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Professor Freeman's Class. Jen and Jack are just arriving to class and are making their way to get their normal seats.] Jen: So what is going on with you and this David fellow? Jack: Keep to your own furtive gropings, thank you very much. Jen: Oh, Jack. Jack: No, it wasn't like that. I mean, there was-- there was coffee, there was talking, and I don't wanna jinx it. Jen: Aw, why so shy? Come on, somebody's gotta be getting some. God. Cracking this C.J. Case is proving far too difficult for the delicate likes of me. Jack: Easy, easy. Your sexual frustration's hitting a vein. Anyway, we're meeting in the cafeteria after class. Jen: Can I come? C.J. Will probably be there. Jack: Jen, don't you think you've given this one the old college try? This much effort's beneath you. You said so yourself, didn't you? Jen: Oh, you can't hold the ultimatums of party Jen against me. I was wearing a wig. I was feeling crazy. Jack: All right. Hey, I tell you what. Bring grams, too. Jen: Maybe I will. [Professor Freeman comes into class, and makes an announcement] Freeman: Afternoon, everyone. I wanted to start class today by telling you all that you won't be seeing me after finals. The publication of my critical essays has secured my academic visitation in Chicago. So I'll be leaving Boston Bay at the end of the semester. Since our time is limited, I wanted to invite all of you to the book-signing tonight over at Winthrop hall. You've been a great class, one of my favorites. Jen: Did you know about this? Jack: No. I had no idea. [Scene: Joey and Audrey's dorm room. Audrey has laid out most of her clothes on her bed, and is trying to put together an outfit.] Audrey: Aah. [Sighs] [Joey comes in after class] Joey: Ok, ok. You decided to bless the orphans of the world your Betsy Johnsons? Audrey: Hardly. I am auditioning outfits, and everything is failing miserably. Where have all my s*x clothes gone? Pacey Witter has pillaged my fashion sense. Joey: You mean there are clothes out there that actually show off your chest even more? Audrey: Yes. And quite frankly, the girls are feeling shunned. The band is playing tonight at your little dive bar, and I want them to be resplendent. Joey: I know. I wouldn't miss it for the world. In fact, I'm not even working tonight. So you will have my full and undivided attention. Audrey: Ooh, well, might be nice if you showed your face around these parts. I know I'm usually low maintenance and all. Joey: I wouldn't go that far. Besides, I figure that you and Pacey would appreciate the private time. Audrey: Yeah, well. That was a great help. Now I've dumped Pacey 4 months too late and not a slutty frock has survived. Not a one, I tell you. Joey: What? When did you dump Pacey? Audrey: Hello? Mid-mid-life crisis, thanks for watching. Jeez, Joey, would it kill you to keep up? Joey: Look, Audrey, I'm sorry. I've been-- wait, when did this happen? Audrey: The horror that was Halloween. Whatever. I don't want to talk about it. Joey: Audrey, how could you not tell me about this? Look, I know I've been gone a lot, but a little bathroom sidebar might have been in order. Audrey: I don't know. I guess I just figured that you'd hear it from Pacey in some "how has life been since you?" Conversation. Joey: Of course not. We live together. I mean, just because I've been running around doesn't mean I don't have time for you. Audrey: Yeah, well, listen, it would have been great to hear your ex-girlfriend wisdom at the time, but now, I'm kinda done reliving it. Ok. [Scene: The cafeteria. Jen and Jack go walking over to join a table with David who is waiting for them.] Jen: Jack, have you ever noticed how much your apartment looks like the one on my two dads? I think it's the spiral staircase. David: Well, I don't know if you and Pacey are embroiled in some whose sperm is whose battle, but would you maybe want to go out tonight, jack? Jen: I cannot believe that you just did that. David: What? Jen: No hedging, no subtext. No horrible puns. Gays have it so easy. Straight boys are never so... straight. Jack: Love to. David: Cool. Jen: Oh, you know what? Emma and Audrey are playing tonight. Jack: Yeah, that's right. That's right. We should go to that. Is that ok? And then afterwards, we'll do something else? David: Yeah. Jen: Ok, wait, wait. Go with me here for a second, um, before C.J. Gets here. So we're gonna go see the pretty girls play. We can ask C.J. To join us on this-- this very innocent group outing. Jack: Or, you know, why bother with the subtleties? We can just, uh, club him over the head and drag him out. Jen: Jack, work with me here. David: No, no, no. We should definitely ask him to come. It'd be fun if we all went. It's just, uh... well, C.J. Doesn't really date. Jen: What? Does he just jump straight into the sack? Coffee to condoms? What are we talking here? David: Um, no. You see, I mean, he doesn't date at all. Well, his life is sort of complicated. He, um... nah, I shouldn't really talk about it. Jen: Whatever it is, I'm sure it's not that bad. Come on, bring it on. Jack: Please? Jen, will you stop using my friend as your deep throat, please? Uh, yeah. F-f-forget I said that one. [Clears throat] Here comes C.J. Jen: Oh, hey. C.J.: Hey. Jen: Um, look, this is totally last minute, but I don't suppose that you'd wanna come with us tonight and see our friend play in a band? Jack: It's Audrey. You know Audrey. The one that's guaranteed to entertain. C.J.: I recall. Yeah, sounds like fun. Jen: Excellent. [Jen notices Freeman walking their way] Jen: Jack. Um, soon-to-be-extinct freeman approaches and kinda looks like he needs to pee. David: I think maybe he just wants to talk to you. Jack: Yeah. Uh, excuse me, guys. I'm sorry. I'll be right back. Jen: Wanna sit? C.J.: Yep. [Jack goes over to talk with Freeman, and they go outside to talk.] Freeman: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you and your friends. Jack: That's all right. That's all right. I, uh-- plenty of time to eat. So class today, how about that? Freeman: Um, jack... I keep thinking about that first conversation we had, when you said that this was the first time you'd felt motivated in a long while. I'd hate to think that I'd taken away the college experience you deserve. Jack: Well, I'll keep on applying myself. Freeman: Look, um, next week is reading week, and after that, there's finals, and after that, well... I'm gone. It would just-- it would mean a lot to me if you were there tonight, jack. Jack: I'll think about it. [Scene: Pacey's Workplace. Pacey is sitting at his desk, when Rich comes in carrying a bunch of Plane tickets in his hands, and he begins giving them out to various people.] Rich: I hope you guys packed condoms and toothpaste this morning 'cause we're taking a little trip. You all passed your series 7s, some of you with flying colors, you smarty-pants pansies. So tonight, we celebrate. Pacey: New Orleans? Rich: How about that, huh? Yes, we are so obnoxiously wealthy we are flying to the big easy to indulge in all its pleasures for 24 sickening hours. So don't tell me you have to call your mommies or anything. Just admit that first class, free hotel rooms, and good old southern girls who learned to drink before you played Nintendo are all too good to pass up. Pack it up, gentlemen. Logan, 1 hour. Man: Yeah, baby. [Man laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: A bar in New Orleans. Rich is sitting at one end of the bar with a girl in his arms, while Pacey is on the other side of the corner from him, talking to a very hot woman.] Woman: So you guys are here for the weekend, huh? Pacey: Just the night actually. Woman: Oh, that's too bad. There's a lot of fun to be had here. Pacey: Yeah, I can see that. Woman: I could show you around. Pacey: You know, I've actually been here before. Woman: Oh. Pacey: Yeah, my girlfriend and I, we came through here this summer. Woman: So you have a girlfriend. Pacey: Oh, no. No, no. She dumped me. Woman: Heh. Well, I think my friends are waiting for me, but it's nice meeting you, Percy. [She walks away, and Pacey turn and watches her go, then notices another hot woman sitting at the bar alone near him.] Pacey: Hi, there. I don't do guys in mourning. Rich: Witter, man. You are pathetic, and here I thought you'd be my only competition. You're making this too easy. Pacey: Well, look, Rinaldi, it would be a lot different if I was actually in this game, which I'm not because women do actually like the sensitive type. Rich: Yeah, ok, 'cause that's what's been working for me. Right? [Rich laughs] [Scene: Hell's Kitchen. Joey is sitting at the bar and the crowd is beginning to pack it in getting ready for the band. Eddie is pouring a drink in front of her.] Eddie: Everything seems magical when you see it from the other side, right? Joey: The command with which you pour is staggering. Eddie: Thank you. How's class today? Joey: The usual. We're ending gravity's rainbow, and Heston spent a good 5 minutes insisting I'd never understand the experimental ramblings. Eddie: Well, that's silly. Diane chambers is an extremely well-read character. I'm sure she would have schooled Heston. Joey: Do, you know, your whole Sam Diane class argument thing, it's very weak. He definitely made more money than her. Eddie: Yeah, and I make more money than your Worthington colleagues who don't need a job, but that doesn't put us in the same bracket, now does it? [Audrey comes running up to the bar and stops next to Joey.] Audrey: Hey, cute bar boy. Give me a shot, will ya? I got the shakes. [She hugs Joey] You are so awesome for coming to see me play, and here, buy a round of shots for the future boyfriends of America. [She takes her drink, and throws some money down on the bar, and then goes back to several guys] Audrey: Mmm. [Choking] Oh, god. Ah— [They watch Audrey go into the arms of several guys with her drink] Eddie: God, who did her parents buy off to get her into Worthington? Joey: You're more acerbic than usual tonight, if that's possible. Everything ok? Eddie: Yeah. I'm sorry. I just-- I hate working doubles, and I--I don't like working with Sam. Joey: No one to flirt with, huh? Eddie: Yeah, or clumsily insult, whichever you prefer. Joey: Well, I'll come back up later. Right now, I have to go stroke Audrey's ego. Eddie: Sounds enticing. [Joey goes over to Audrey] [People laughing] Joey: Hey. Audrey: Hi, sweetie. [Scene: The book signing. Jack comes into the book store, and looks around at the large amount of people have shown up, and notices Freeman by a table of his book talking to some man.] Freeman: Well thanks for coming. Um, hope you enjoy [Jack walks over to Freeman] Freeman: Jack, you came. Jack: Yeah. I, uh... I don't like to let free food go to waste. Freeman: Well, whatever the reason, I'm glad. Jack: It looks like a lot of people support your decision. Freeman: Eh, slow night on campus maybe. It's tricky putting together projects like this book. There's always gonna be a handful of people who'll think that it's bathroom material, but I always held out the naive belief that there would be a reader or two who might find something stimulating beyond easy cultural references. Jack: Yeah, some of my friends assumed that your class was cultural cliff notes which would pretty much make it Entertainment Weekly, I guess. Freeman: Did you feel that way? Jack: All things aside, did I ever seem less than riveted? [Jack notices that Freeman is staring deeply into his eyes] Um, y-your wife, um... must not be too psyched moving to chicago in the height of winter. Freeman: Actually, she's not going to make the move with me. Jack: I'm--I'm sorry. Freeman: Well, let's--let's not. I can talk in circles about where I went wrong, and a Maudlin Freeman isn't gonna do either of us any good. Jack: Yeah. Freeman: So I gotta ask. Why did you decide to come? Don't you have somewhere to be? Jack: Um. No, no. I-- I have some time. Freeman: That's great. Let me introduce you to some people. [Scene: Hell's Kitchen. Jen, C.J. and David are all sitting at a table talking while waiting for Jack to show up.] Jen: I have no idea what is keeping Jack, David. I'm sure it's-- it's a hair-related issue. David: Nah, it's ok. It's flattering to think that each carefully misplaced strand might be for me. Jen: Aww. David: I'm gonna head up to the bar. You guys need anything? C.J.: No, I'm good. Jen: I'm fine. [David goes to the bar, leaving them alone.] Jen: Well, I'm glad that you came tonight. I know that this might not really be your thing. C.J.: How do you figure that? I've nothing against good company... and I guess I can't speak to the quality of the music yet, but... Jen: Oh, well, Audrey is nothing if not a stellar performer. C.J.: How's she been lately? Jen: Audrey? C.J.: Yeah. Jen: Great. Good. [They look over and see Audrey Doing another shot with the guys, while Joey watches her.] Audrey: Whoo! Aah! Jen: Well, maybe not the greatest of greats, but I would give her a solid good. Why do you ask? C.J.: Well, she seems like she might be a little depressed. Jen: She doesn't look depressed. C.J.: Well, it's easy not to look it when you're doing you're damndest not to feel it... or anything, for that matter. [Over buy the bar, David is waiting for his drink, when his cell phone rings] David: Hello. Jack: Uh, David, hey. Uh, it's me. Look, I am so sorry. David: Oh, don't worry about it. Are you on your way? Jack: Uh, no, not exactly. David: Should I call the police maybe? Is there something you can't say in front of the kidnappers? Jack: I'm coming. I promise. I just got sucked into this nightmare academic schmooze-fest. I have, like, 2 more profound things to say, and I'm out of here. I swear. David: Hey, don't worry about it. Uh, C.J.'S here, and your friends have all mastered the art of polite conversation. So, I will see you when I see you. Jack: All right, cool. I'll see ya. [Scene: The bar in New Orleans. Rich and Pacey come walking by a woman sitting at the table alone, and Rich stops to talk to her.] Rich: How you doin'? Denise: Fine. Rich: I didn't ask how you were looking. I asked how you were doin'. Pacey: Oh, come on, rich. Even I gotta stop you on that one. I mean, who says that? Denise: Your friend does apparently. Pacey: Oh, no. He's not my friend. Rich: That's right. I'm his boss. Rich Rinaldi. Denise: I'm Denise. Pacey: That's a beautiful name for a beautiful girl. I think Denise means drama in its Greek origin, and might I say, Denise, that you have breasts that are begging to be touched. Denise: Oh, that's a coincidence, since you apparently have testicles that are begging to be castrated. Pacey: Ok, then. I'll take my goods elsewhere. Denise: Please do. [Rich leaves and Pacey watches as he goes] Pacey: You know, I think rich actually means slime ball in its original form, but I'd have to check the books on that. Denise: What's your name? Pacey: I'm Pacey, and I am truly sorry for that, though I'm sure you're used to having men saying all kinds of inappropriate things to you all the time. Denise: I am. I'm not used to them leaving their considerably more attractive and likable friends behind. [Scene: Hell's Kitchen. Eddie is filling some drinks at the end of the bar, when Joey comes up to join him.] Joey: Miss me? Eddie: How could I when I've been waiting on you and your friends all night, you know? Joey: Good point. So what are you doing after? Eddie: Tonight? Joey: Well, yeah, I mean, I know whenever I get off work there's nothing more depressing than trying to go directly asleep with visions of drunkards dancing in my head, so... I was thinking some sort of social activity would be a good segue. Eddie: I don't know. Joey: We could— [Audrey comes stumbling up to the bar, and slams her empty beer bottle on the bar.] Audrey: Hey! Let me have another beer for the stage. Eddie: Nah, I can't let you take that up there. Audrey: Come on, you guys both work here, like anyone cares. Eddie: Well, I care actually, and it seems to me you're already wasted. Audrey: Well, who's fault is that? Eddie: Uh, yours. Audrey: Yeah, well, you served me, sucker. Eddie: Yeah, now I'm cutting you off. Looks like you're gonna have to listen to yourself sing sober. Sorry. Joey: Come on, Eddie, I mean... it's not like she's going out driving. It's just--she's nervous. Eddie: Haven't you ever considered our asses might be on the line for serving underage people? Or did that just kinda slip your mind 'cause you're not working tonight? Joey: What are you talking about? This is a college bar. I mean, you've never cared before. Eddie: Yeah, well, I care when an underage girl gets drunk and trashes the place on my watch. I'm cutting her off. That's it. Audrey: Gah, somebody needs to get laid. Joey: Audrey. Audrey: Whatever. He clearly takes his job too seriously. Tell me something, Eddie. What's it like looking down the barrel of a gun and seeing a janitor's uniform and a bus pass? [Joey turns and gives Audrey a very dirty look.] Audrey: You'll get me another beer, won't you, sweetie? Joey: I'm thinking no. Audrey: Jeez! It's like this bar's run by Donna Reed and Mr. Rogers. [She slams the beer bottle down again, and it shatters on the bar.] Eddie: All right, get her out of here. Audrey: Did you not just witness my magnificent force? [Emma quickly comes over to get Audrey] Emma: Yeah, Audrey, did you not hear us warming up up there? Think we're doing it for a lark? Get up there. Audrey: I love you, you crazy bird! Emma: Hey, spread the joy on stage, Courtney Love. Ok? We're on. Audrey: Bah! Go, go, go. [They leave] Joey: I'm not her keeper. Eddie: No, it's worse actually. You're her friend. [Audrey stumbles onto the stage and grabs the microphone.] [Cheers and applause] Audrey: Hey, how are we all doin' tonight? We're hell's belles, and we are here to throw down this fascist regime. Seems like the establishment don't want us to have a good time. Who wants to stick it to the man? [Audrey begins performing, One Way Or Another. and quickly becomes aggressive on stage, Knocking down her mic stand, bouncing into the other band members, screwing with the controls on the amps all as she is singing. Emma just watches her but continues to play, shaking her head the entire time. Audrey goes into the crowd, still singing, and makes her way to the bar, where she climbs onto the bar, kicking off drinks, opening the beer taps, and Eddie quickly closes them, and Joey looks to Eddie like to say she was sorry and had no idea what was going on. Eddie puts his face in his hand thinking “Why is this happening to me?” She makes her down the bar, hitting lights along the way, while continuing to sing her song as the bad is still playing. She rips of her shirt and the crowd screams approval. She reaches down and grabs a beer out of one of the guys hands, and takes a swig, and throws the bottle across the room, and Jen, CJ, and David quickly duck, just avoiding getting hit by it as it smashes on the wall behind them. All of her friends look at her in disappointment, as the camera fades to black] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Hell's Kitchen bathroom. Audrey is throwing up in the toilet, as Joey is holding her hair back.] Audrey: Oh. Yeah, ok. I think that's everything. I think that there is some intestine in there. Joey: Ok. Why don't we go get you some water? How much did you drink? [Joey watches as Audrey goes over to the sink and turns it on taking a sip of water from it ] Audrey: Clearly, I don't remember. Joey: Were you drinking in the changing room? Because I didn't see you have that much at the bar. Audrey: I said I don't remember. This— Joey: Audrey, not to sound like an after school special, but this kind of isn't like you. Audrey: And what exactly is like me? You know, I could've been an alkie since age 6. You don't know. Joey: It's just— Audrey: I'm fine! Have you never gotten drunk before? Joey: Yeah, actually, I have, and it's usually been because I felt pretty awful about something, so... look, I was just wondering if you felt awful. Audrey: I feel like I don't want to have a soulful exchange about how I'm bad and you're good, if that's what you mean. Joey: You know, that's not where I was going. Audrey: Like hell it wasn't. You know, you've mastered the art of holier than thou, Joey. You know, don't feed me a bunch of crap about how you don't need to drink or do drugs to have fun because I've given it some thought, and you know what? I've never seen you have fun a day in my life. Except for that whole singing thing, and even then you were just imitating me. Joey: Ok, you know what? Maybe we should just save this for the morning because we don't want to say anything we'll regret. Audrey: God! Will you stop protecting me?! I'm so sick of living in this little antiseptic universe you've all created. All we do is we sit around and we drink soda and we talk about how glad we are that we're all friends, which is ridiculous, Joey, because what kind of friend wouldn't know that I broke up with my boyfriend? Joey: You know what, Audrey? I said I was sorry about that. Audrey: You know what? I don't even care. I just don't want someone who's completely dropped out of my life suddenly judging it. I mean, did you even notice that I was depressed fore I upset your little boyfriend from southie? Joey: Eddie is not my boyfriend. Audrey: Right. I think it's really frigging pathetic that that's the only thing you had the need to comment on. [Scene: The Book Signing. Jack is walking outside when Freeman comes up to join him.] Freeman: So have fun tonight, wherever you're going. Jack: To be honest, I don't know if there's somewhere left to go. Freeman: I didn't mean to keep you in there with my boring scholastic jabber. Jack: No. No, I wasn't bored. It's why I'm braving social leprosy. Freeman: I'm glad you came. There's a part of my book that I wrote after class early in the semester, you'd made a comment in class about the asexuality of good guys in film. It was a small thing I remember, but it sparked something, and I thought no one does that anymore. Sparks something. You were right. Not just in class. You were just... you were right about a lot of things. Jack: Wasn't waiting for you to tell me that, if that's why you think I'm standing here the cold. Freeman: Then why are you Jack: It's sad...that you're probably the most popular professor here, the most inspirational, and yet you felt you had to hide that part of yourself that's real. But you know what? However long it took for you to get here, at least you did it. And that's why I'm standing out here in the cold. Freeman: A week ago I was this unavailable married man. There used to be about 6 different versions of myself I presented to the world. Now there's just...this. And now I kind of wish I'd noticed it sooner. Or that I'd noticed you. Maybe it's too late. You tell me. [Freeman, makes his way to try and kiss him, but Jack stops him.] Jack: I can't. I'm sorry, I can't. I've kept someone waiting all night that the timing was actually right with. It's late. I gotta go. Yeah, I gotta go. [Scene: Hell's Kitchen. Jen, C.J and David are cleaning up the remnants of the beer bottle that Audrey threw at the wall.] Jen: Guess you weren't so off base with the whole Audrey thing. C.J.: You mean her performances aren't typically that inspired? Jen: Uh, not so Jennifer Jason Leigh in Georgia, no. [A waitress comes walking up with a bussing tray.] Waitress: Thank you. Jen: Audrey's one of the few people that I know who seemed to enter the fold well adjusted and confident. She made all of us seem dramatic. C.J.: It's hard to keep putting up a front like that, once people expect it from you. You know, you wake up in the morning, you don't feel so great, so you need something to take off the edge. That's what I used to do. When I hit high school, I was shaking by noon if I wasn't drunk. So rather than thinking like, "hey, that can't be normal" I just kept drinking. Provided a steady numb ride through those awkward teen years. It's tough to get off of. Jen: Yeah. Yeah, but you did. So you must've done something right. C.J.: Yeah. Yeah. I hit rock bottom. Sure fire way to snap out of something is to wake up from a blackout realizing that you were the guy at the party who told everybody exactly what they didn't want to hear and then alienating the one person that you cared about. So, there's that, which is why I don't date anymore. Jen: I really--I don't think you have to be so hard on yourself. I--we all mess up. C.J.: Jen, you really don't want to know that much about me, I promise. [Scene: Outside Pacey's Hotel Room. Pacey and Denise are making out as they arrive at the door and crash onto it. Pacey begins to quickly try to find the key for the door.] Pacey: Uh, probably gonna need a key for this. Denise: That might help. Where would you have put that? [She reaches down, and grabs his manhood, then makes her way to his pocket and reaches in and pulls out the key.] Pacey: Uh, hold on one second. Denise: I'm not so good at waiting. Here we go. Pacey: Ok. [He quickly unlocks the door and they make their way into the room.] [Scene: Hell's Kitchen. Eddie is cleaning up the mess that Audrey left, when Joey comes walking up to join him and help.] Joey: Some night, huh? Eddie: Yep. Joey: I'm sorry about... sorry about the whole drinking, singing debacle. I didn't know it was gonna go that way. Eddie: It wasn't your problem, right? You weren't working, so why should it matter that your friends were gonna trash the place? Joey: It's not like they intended to do that. Eddie: That's not really the point, Joey. Joey: Well, care to fill me in on what the point is? Eddie: Why should I make you stand here and listen to my diatribe when you clearly have better things to do? Excuse me. Joey: Why are you so insistent tonight that I'm wasting my time with you when every time I approach you, it's been because I wanted to talk? Eddie: Maybe I've had a hard time talking to you because I can't figure out who I'm talking to. Is this Joey Potter my bartending buddy, or is this Joey Potter who runs with the Worthington elite? Joey: That's funny. I thought there was more of an intimate middle ground. Eddie: Look, you just learn a lot about people when you see them with their friends, ok? Joey: You see me with my friends in here all the time. How is this different? Eddie: It's different when your friends are flaunting state drinking laws and insulting me to my face. Joey: Look, I'm sorry about that, ok? If it makes you feel any better, I just got a pretty nasty tongue lashing from Audrey in there. Eddie: What would've made me feel better is if you would've defended me. If you had mentally shown up there, Joey, that might've been nice. Joey: Eddie, she was drunk. We deal with those people all of the time. Eddie: You're right, Joey. Why should I make you feel bad for letting your friend ride out her high-class problems? I should be used to it by now, right? My mistake was just thinking you were different from the rest of them. Joey: How can you say that when you've barely even tried to find out? I don't know, maybe you're just threatened because I tried to find out more about you, but that's just because I was trying to help you— Eddie: I know what you were trying to do, Joey, and I don't think you should bother. I don't think either of us should because I've been thinking about it, and this little dance we do, it's nothing more than that. It's just flirting. Joey: You don't think there's anything more here? Eddie: I don't think there's anything good. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Pacey's Hotel Room. Pacey and Denise are still making out, while Pacey backs up to the bed and sits down, and begins to slowly unzip Denise's dress.] Denise: Can I ask you something? Pacey: Absolutely. Denise: This isn't your first time, is it? Pacey: Am I really that bad? Denise: No. Just most guys don't bother with the obligatory foreplay. Which is greatly appreciated and all, but I'm kind of a sure thing. Pacey: Ok, well, I'll do my best to not tend to any of your needs, but I can't promise anything. [He begins kissing her, and slowly back them onto the bed] Denise: Seriously, we've been at this for a while now, and your friend didn't pay for the night. [She pushes him down onto the bed and climbs on top of him] Mm... listen it was a nice thing he was doing. You should just enjoy it. But I really... [Pacey stops her, realizing that she is a hooker, and makes his way out of the bed.] Pacey: I can't. I can't. I'm sorry. Denise: I don't have to leave. Pacey: No. You absolutely don't have to leave. You can stay here as long as you like, but...I--I just... I can't do this. I just thought you were a beautiful woman that I met down in the bar. And that there was a little... something between us, but there's obviously not. And that's fine. But I now have to go to talk to someone, so you stay here and... I'm really sorry. [He leaves her alone in the room.] [Scene: Outside the Hell's Kitchen. Jen and C.J. come walking outside talking to one another.] Jen: So you're sure David's gonna be ok in the all by himself? C.J.: Oh, yeah. Yeah. He said he'd hang around for another half hour, then call it a night. Jen: God, I don't know what Jack's problem is, but I'm gonna kick his ass. C.J.: Well, luckily David's a very patient man. Jen: You know, I'm just really glad you came out tonight. I was worried you wouldn't want to. C.J.: You know, you keep saying that. Just 'cause I don't drink doesn't mean I don't socialize. Jen: But you don't date. C.J.: No. Jen: You told me once that I should change my mind about myself, and I think that you should probably do the same thing. [Jen goes to kiss him, but he stops her] C.J.: Jen. I can' I'm sorry, it's... it's not nothing to do with you, I promise. You're... you're beautiful, and you're great. I just really can't. Jen: Ok. C.J.: I'm gonna get you a cab home, ok? Jen: Ok. C.J.: You gonna be ok? Jen: Yeah. I'm fine. Nothing a little sleep and regret can't cure. C.J.: Good night. Jen: Good night. [Jen pulls away in the cab. C.J. looks across the street and sees Audrey sitting on the curb smoking a cigarette, and goes over and sits down next to her. She puts out the cigarette when she sees him.] Audrey: I only had a couple of puffs, I swear. C.J.: I don't care if you smoke. Audrey: Well, that's shocking. Because I thought for sure there was some sort of lo-jack system on me, and anyone within a mile radius was gonna chastise me for partaking in any sort of substance. You know, I wonder if sugar's ok because I have some sweet tarts in my pocket, and I'm not afraid to eat them. C.J.: People have been pretty hard on you tonight, haven't they? Audrey: You know the funny thing is that it was all great when I was drunk. That was a super old time. Now I'm sober, and everything's gone to hell. C.J.: You know, your friends were just trying to let you know they cared. Maybe they didn't go about it the right way. Audrey: It's not like I'm a drunk, you know. God, we're in college, for crying out loud. Doesn't anyone just ever have a week that sucks, and they want to forget about it? C.J.: Does it make you feel better... when you...drink? Audrey: I feel nothing, which is ideal. C.J.: How long you gonna keep that up for? Audrey: I don't know. I don't know. C.J.: If you wanna talk or... Audrey: You don't have to sit with me, really. C.J.: You don't have to say that. If I don't want to be here, I'd have walked away already. Audrey: Ok. So we'll sit. I don't wanna talk for a while. [Audrey shivers, and C.J. pulls some gloves out of his pockets and gives them to Audrey] [Scene: Bourbon Street. Rinaldi and a group of guys and women are walking down the street all grouped together, laughing and having a good time, when Pacey comes running up to them.] Guy: You owe me 20 bucks, Rinaldi. Pacey: Rich! Hey, Rinaldi! Come here. Rich: What's your problem, Witter? Pacey: My problem is the little trick you just tried to play on me. Rich: You're not morally opposed to ladies of the night, are you? Katz: Dude, Witter stuffed a whore! Pacey: Actually, I didn't, Katz, but you keep talking. You watch how quickly your night ends. Rich: You didn't even do it? What, you got a problem down there, Witter, or just have trouble taking off your little dress? Pacey: Is this a joke to you? 'Cause let me tell you, I'm not laughing. Rich: Tell me about it. No. It was my idea of showing you a good time. Believe me. She didn't come cheap. Pacey: I forgot that about you. It all relates back to money. You buy your friends, you buy your women, you buy women for your friends. That way it's clean, it's easy. No emotion, right? Well, let me tell you, Rich. The only favor I want you to do for me is take me off your charity list. 'Cause you're pathetic, man. Rich: Honestly, man, I'm not getting it. A couple of solid hours with a really hot girl you never have to call again, and what, you play tiddly winks? I must be real dumb because it seems like you owe me. Pacey: You're right. I do. I absolutely— [Pacey grabs Rich by his coat.] [Overlapping shouts] Rich: How dare you do that to me?! Pacey: I'm pissed! Rich: I'm really pissed at your moral outrage. No need to get violent. When are you gonna realize fighting the good fight's not worth it? [Scene: Outside the Hell's Kitchen. David has gotten tired of waiting, and is leaving the bar, when a cab pulls up, and Jack quickly gets out of it.] Jack: Hey, David. David, I am so sorry. I--I can't believe that you're still here. David: What, you were hoping I'd be gone? Jack: No! No. No. Of course not. I'm glad you stayed. I just kept missing my window of opportunity to get out of there. David: That must've been rough. Jack: Yeah. I'm not being too convincing, am I? David: Look, Jack, I'm not so naive coming into this that I didn't expect there to be some baggage. You can't really move into a new relationship until you know the old one isn't gonna lurch up from the dead one last time. So, do what you gotta do. Jack: I did. I mean, I didn't. I... I didn't have to. David: You don't have to report to me. Jack: Well, you're right about the baggage. It's just not... before we got into this, I just wanted to make sure that I was done repeating my mistakes. And I am. David: That works for me. Jack: Cool. David: Yeah. Cool. Jack: So why did you even bother sticking around here? David: Hey, don't think I was waiting for the confused likes of you. Jack: [Chuckles] David: I was having a good time, and you missed a hell of an act. Jack: Huh. Did I? David: Yes. It was one magical night you'll never get back. Jack: So this one's gonna be tough to top. David: That's awfully presumptuous to assume we're going out again. Jack: Oh, ha! I see how it is. I see how it is. [Scene: Bourbon Street. Pacey walking all alone down the empty street the next morning, trying to think everything through] [Scene: Joey and Audrey's Dorm room. Joey wakes up and looks across the room at Audrey's bed, and notices that is it still made up from the day before. Joey looks a little worried. Cut to a little later, and Joey is sitting at the desk reading and looks over at the empty bed again.] [Knock on door] Eddie: Wow! So this is how the other half lives. Joey: What are you doing here? Eddie: Uh, your little friend left her wallet at the bar last night. Can't imagine how she forgot it, with the drunken spectacle and the vomiting and all. Joey: Thanks. [She grabs the wallet, and goes to close the door when Eddie stops her.] Eddie: Wait a minute. Wait, Joey. Last night I said a lot of things I didn't mean. Joey: Yeah, like what things? Eddie: Many things. It could be that I have some unresolved anger towards society that has nothing to do with you. Joey: That's good. Eddie: Yeah, I've been working on that one a while. Joey: It almost resembled an apology. Eddie: Well, you know, I been thinking about it all night. Joey: What's it? Eddie: This. Me, you. It didn't feel good. Joey: What part? Eddie: The not pursuing it part. Joey: You know, uh... the pushing away usually comes when there's something to push away from. Eddie: Please, Joey, I would love to get to the point where I can resent you, if you'll only give me the chance. Joey: We can't keep doing this. Eddie: What? Joey: This. This...saying things we don't mean. Dancing around the subject. I mean, don't you find it maddening? Eddie: Well, yeah, but I meant that thing about the resentment. Ok. All right, I get what you're talking about. So, what would you say if you said what you meant? Joey: I'd like to go on a date with you. An actual date. Without the obstacles of pre-teen girls and drunken roommates. What would you say? Eddie: Well, I'd like to get to know you and prove myself wrong. Joey: About? Eddie: Thinking you represent everything I hate. I think you just might represent everything I'm missing. Hoo, ok, so... it's a date. See you later, Joey. [They shake hands. Then Eddie turns to leave and Joey waves, and the camera fades to black]
Plan: A: Audrey; Q: Who gets drunk before her band performs? A: her friends; Q: Who is Audrey worried about? A: especially C.J.; Q: Who suspects Audrey has a deeper problem? A: Joey; Q: Who does Eddie agree to go on a real date with? A: Pacey; Q: Who is shocked to discover that the woman he is with is a call girl? A: New Orleans; Q: Where was Pacey on a business trip when he met a beautiful woman? A: Professor Freeman; Q: Who announces that he's leaving? A: Jack; Q: Who does Professor Freeman have a heart-to-heart talk with about their future? Summary: Audrey gets drunk before her band performs and worries her friends, especially C.J. who suspects a deeper problem. Meanwhile, Eddie and Joey agree to go on a real date. Pacey hits it off with a beautiful woman while on a business trip to New Orleans, and is shocked to discover that she's a call girl. When Professor Freeman announces that he's leaving he and Jack have a heart-to-heart talk about their future.
[Scene: Cole's apartment. Phoebe and Cole are laying in bed. They are kissing. Phoebe stops.] Cole: What? No, tell me. Phoebe: I don't know. It just seems like whenever I get close to you, you pull away from me. Why do you do that? What are you so afraid of telling me? Cole: Phoebe, don't. (He rolls over.) Phoebe: I wanna know I deserve to know. Cole: Phoebe, you don't know what you're asking for. (He sits up with his back facing her.) Phoebe: Whatever it is you can't keep pretending that it's not coming between us. You can't keep hiding from the truth. (Cole turns into Belthazor and attacks Phoebe. Cole wakes up. One of the triad members is in his apartment.) Triad #1: That wasn't so hard now was it? Cole: What are you doing here? Triad #1: Reminding you of your inner nature, Belthazor. One that would be in your best interest to reconnect with... soon. Cole: I won't let you down. Triad #1: You already have. You were out to destroy the witches, instead, you bedded one of them. Cole: That was a mistake. I... (The triad member waves his hand in front of Cole and a dagger appears in his hand.) Triad #1: Find demonic help if you have to, Belthazor, but you better find a way to kill the witches or we'll kill you. (He disappears.) [Scene: P3. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are sitting in the alcove. Phoebe is looking around for Cole.] Prue: Alright, look, we know that Belthazor is not going to stop until he kills is. Phoebe? Phoebe! (Phoebe looks at her.) Hi. I hate to interrupt your whole staring off into space aimlessly thing that you've got going on right now but in case you forgot, evil triad agent. Phoebe: Like you would even let me forget, Prue. Prue: Well, if he's as powerful of a demon as Leo says he is, he is probably gonna be immune to our powers. That's why we need to practice our counter tacks and the next time he shows up we can get some demon flesh. Piper: White meat or dark meat? Prue: I don't like the idea of demon flay either but it might help us with the vanquishing potion. Hello? Pheebs? Phoebe: Cole is forty-five minutes late. You would think he would be on time after he sleeps with a girl, you know. Piper: Can we fast forward? Because I got Fastball coming in in a couple of days and I need to get some stuff done. Phoebe: Cole! (She stands up. Cole is walk towards them.) Cole: (to himself) I'm sorry but we have to stop seeing each other, okay. Why? Because, because I have to kill you that's why. Smooth. Prue: Alright, we are practicing the, uh... (Cole approaches them.) Cole: Sorry I'm late. Phoebe: It's okay. Prue: The earthquake drill tomorrow at 3:00. Piper: I'm sorry madam president but I have a doctors appointment. Prue: Piper, you never know when an earthquake is going to strike. Piper: I guess not. I guess I will reschedule then. Cole: Phoebe, we, uh, need to talk. Prue: Uh, Phoebe, earthquake drill tomorrow at 3:00. Phoebe: Okay, but if you need me there by 3:00 you have to lend me your car because I have class right after it. Prue: That's fine, just try not to leave my gas tank on empty this time. Phoebe: I left your gas tank empty once, okay, get over it, let it go. Prue: Twice. Phoebe: I'm sorry, what-what were you saying? Cole: Actually, if we could, uh... Prue: Oh, and Pheebs, I need the car back by 5:00 because I have a photo shoot at P3 tomorrow. Piper: P3? Did you forget to inform the owner of P3? Prue: I'm sorry but my location fell out at the last moment and I couldn't find you and I thought that you would say yes. Piper: Of course you did and did you forget about our home owners meeting that's at our house tomorrow afternoon? Prue: I totally spaced. Uh, Pheebs, will you cover for me? Phoebe: No way. At the last one it took them two and a half hours to decide where to put the garden gnomes. Prue: Um, alright, do you want the car or not? Phoebe: Hate you. Prue: No you don't you love me. Piper: I'd love to get back to work. Okay, you two kids behave. (Prue and Piper walk away.) Phoebe: Uh, I'm sorry about that. Sister stuff. You know, there's a fine line between love and hate. So what did you wanna talk about? Cole: Um, actually, I have to go. Phoebe: Wh-- wait, what? Cole: I'm sorry, Phoebe, it's just this big case I've been working on and I think I just had an epiphany on how to win it. (He kisses her.) Forgive me. Phoebe: Ugh. [Cut to outside. Cole walks out.] Cole: (to his shadow) Tell the triad I've figured out how to destroy the Charmed Ones. (His shadow floats down into a drain.) [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. The next morning. Prue is on the phone and Piper is sitting at the table.] Prue: No, I'm planning on getting to P3 early to confirm the stylist. Alright, I'll see you there. Bye. (She hangs up.) Hey, where's Phoebe? (Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: I'm here. Do you guys know if Cole called? Piper: Not since the last time you asked. Phoebe: Okay, I need some sisterly advice. Is he doing the whole blow her off after s*x thing and I'm just not reading the signs? Piper: Probably not since the signs Prue read as an empath prove that he loves you. Phoebe: Okay, well, supernatural guarantees aside, I am getting the feeling that he is avoiding me. I have no idea where we stand. Prue: Well, maybe it's got something to do with whatever he's hiding from me. (Belthazor barges through the door.) Phoebe: Demon! (Phoebe levitates in the air and kicks him. He falls against the table. Belthazor throws out an electric spark.) Prue: Piper, watch out. (Piper freezes it. Prue astral projects onto the table behind Belthazor.) Uh, excuse me. (She kicks him in the head. Prue flips off the table.) Piper, now. (Piper picks up a knife and slices his neck. Belthazor changes into Leo.) Leo: Ouch, you got skin. (Prue astral projects back in her body.) Phoebe: Hey, Leo, do you think you can make yourself look like Brad Pitt? Prue: Alright you guys, that was, um, good. Although, Phoebe, I think you need more force on your kick and Piper, a little less hesitating on the slicing and dicing, okay. Should we try it again? Piper: No, I'd like to have a boyfriend left when this is over. Phoebe: Okay, where are your keys, Prue? Prue: Hey, don't forget to pick up food for the home owners meeting. Phoebe: Okay, how am I possibly gonna pick up food when I have to get your car back right away? Prue: Well, I can't do it, I have to prep for my shoot. (Prue and Phoebe look at Piper.) Piper: Don't look at me. (Silence) I guess I'll reschedule my doctors appointment again. Phoebe: You're cute. [Scene: Cole's apartment. Cole and a demon called Andras is there. Cole places a knife in his altar.] Cole: Have you ever destroyed siblings? Sisters? Andras: Sisters? I put nations against each other, I start wars, riots. Cole: I've reviewed your resume, Andras. Rather unfocused actually. My needs are very particular. Andras: I can infect anybody. Anybody who's angry. Cole: That's your way in? Through anger? Andras: I see it in my victims. It envelops them. Then I turn that anger into rage. Rage that continues until they commit an act of violence. Cole: Think you could work your magic on the Charmed Ones? Andras: You said sisters, not witches. Cole: Ah, but they are sisters, first and for most and that I believe is their Achilles heal. Break that bond and we break the very foundation of their powers. Without their powers they're defenseless. Andras: Which sister shall we start with? Cole: The most vulnerable. The youngest. [Scene: Campus. Phoebe walks out of the building talking on her phone.] Phoebe: Class went late and then I had to go to the library to get a book for psyc class so I'm running a little late but I will be there. (She walks towards Prue's car.) Yeah, very funny, I was born late. Ha ha. I promise I will be there, okay. I'll be home sss... (She sees Cole standing next to the car.) Gotta go, bye. (She hangs up.) Uh, what are you doing here? Cole: I got a break in my case, decided to take the afternoon off. Phoebe: Oh, that must've been quite an epiphany you had last night. Cole: Yeah, it was. I came to apologise, Phoebe, for walking out on you so abruptly. That was rude. Phoebe: Yeah, it was rude. Cole: I'd love to make it up to you. I made early dinner reservations at Brazils. Phoebe: No, I-I have to get Prue's car back. Cole: I was hoping we could talk. Phoebe: About what? Cole: About the other night. You and me, where we stand. Phoebe: Um, I would like to, I actually would really like to, but I promised Prue that I'd do her home owners meeting tonight, so... Cole: That's alright, I understand. It was worth a try. (He kisses her and starts to walk away.) Phoebe: Cole, uh... (He stops and turns back around.) I could probably get Piper to handle the meeting. Cole: Yeah? You sure she won't be angry? Phoebe: Oh, she's gonna be furious but she'll just surprise it and take it out on me later. Um, you pick me up in an hour? Cole: I'll be there. (Phoebe gets in the car. Cole flicks his hand and the gas starts leaking out. She beeps the horn and drives off.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. The home owners meeting is being held there. The neighbours are arguing.] [Cut to the kitchen. Leo enters as Piper starts to carry the tray of food out.] Leo: Oh, watch the- uh- (Piper trips over Prue's tripod, which had been under the table, its legs projecting out. Leo catches her and manages to save the tray of food.) Piper: (as she falls) Oh! Ohhh... Prue! Welcome to Prue's World Of Cluttered Photography. I can't believe I got roped into this. (He hands her back the tray as they head back to the table.) Leo: How did you get roped into heading the refreshment committee? Piper: They didn't have time. Leo: And you do? Piper: Well, my doctor's appointment doesn't count as high priority. Leo: Well, couldn't you make something simpler, you know, chips and dip? Piper: Leo, I was a chef. I can't make chips and dip. Leo: Maybe you need to tell your sisters how you feel. Better yet, next time just say no. Piper: Okay, Leo, you obviously do not have sisters. One minute you're arguing about something and then suddenly you're arguing about who stole who's Malibu Barbie in 1979. (Prue walks in.) Prue: Hey, is Phoebe home yet? Piper: No, and where-where's all the mineral water? Prue: Uh, there's some down in the basement. Leo: I'll get it. (Leo goes in the basement. Piper carries a plate of food into the living room.) Neighbour #1: It's our property, it's our money and we are building a fence. Piper: Goat cheese pizza and onion tartlets for the vegetarians... Neighbour #2: We want our privacy because we've had enough of your snooping. Neighbour #3: Snooping? Piper: And the-the chicken satay has peanuts in case anybody's allergic. (Phoebe sneaks in.) Phoebe, nice of you to show. Phoebe: Uh, Piper? (She walks over to Phoebe.) I need a huge favour. Can I talk to you upstairs? Piper: Oh, no you don't. (The neighbours start arguing. Phoebe starts to go upstairs.) Phoebe. (She freezes the neighbours.) Phoebe, this is not fair. Phoebe: I know it's not but the last thing I expected was for Cole to ask me out, okay. So could you please cover for me? Piper: I-I already rescheduled my doctors appointment twice. Phoebe: Well, Leo was a doctor before he died. Piper: That's really not the point. Phoebe: I know, and I would never ask but this is important. He wants to have the talk. You know, are we a couple, are we a one-nighter, are we friends, are we friends that had a one-nighter? Piper: Okay, I get it. (Leo walks in.) Leo: Ever planning on unfreezing the neighbours? Phoebe: Piper, just this once. You know how much I want this relationship to work. Piper: Well, I guess I don't have much of a choice. (Phoebe hugs her and runs upstairs.) You are so helping me run this meeting. (The Whitelighters call Leo.) Leo: They're calling. Piper: Uh, no, no, no. (Leo orbs out.) Leo. (He drops the bottle he was holding and Piper catches it.) Chicken! (Piper unfreezes the neighbours.) [Cut to outside. Cole drives up in his car. He closes his eyes.] Cole: Andras. (Andras appears in the passenger seat. Cole opens his eyes.) If Phoebe's right, Piper will be primed and ready for you. Andras: I thought we were starting with Phoebe. Cole: We did. I did. She's the reason Piper's angry and she'll be the reason Prue gets angry. You just make sure you get there to capitalize on that. Andras: Don't you mean to rage all three of the sisters for the plan to work? Cole: You infect Piper and Prue, I'll bring Phoebe back home. They'll blame her for everything. Andras: Your legend is well deserved, Belthazor. You know, for someone about to score one of the biggest victories in centuries, you don't seem very happy about it. Cole: Just do your job. (Andras gets out of the car.) [Cut back to inside.] Neighbour #4: Your fence will block the sun for my flowers. Neighbour #1: Well, then I suggest you take it up with the sun. Neighbour #4: Oh, great, great idea. Piper: Okay, uh, why don't you build a shorter fence? Or move your flower bed? Neighbour #4: No, it is not my azaleas that are the problem. (The neighbours continue arguing. The doorbell rings.) Piper: Okay, everyone please just try and calm down. (Phoebe runs past the living room.) Phoebe: Bye, honey. Piper: Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe! Those are my earrings. (Phoebe leaves.) Hey! (Andras is standing outside looking in. A ball of light comes out of his hand and hits Piper.) Okay, everybody shut up! (Everyone shuts up.) I have had it with your petty problems and your stupid fence and your stupid flower beds. There are bigger problems in the world to worry about. Just get a life and grow up! Neighbour #3: Ugh, you can't speak to us like that. Piper: Oh yeah? (She throws a plate of food at them.) Everybody get out of my house! Get out of my house before I throw you out. Neighbour #4: With pleasure. Neighbour #3: Perhaps we should build a fence to keep you in. Piper: Good idea. Neighbour #3: I'll speak to your sister about the way you behave. Piper: Even better idea! Move it! Move it! Move it! (Everyone leaves.) And stay out! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Brazils. People are dancing. Cole and Phoebe are sitting at a table. They are laughing.] Cole: Wait, you actually wore a penguin costume? Phoebe: Yes, and I handed out balloons to kids. I was fifteen, leave me alone, I needed a job. Cole: I bet you were cute. Phoebe: I have to do the walk. Cole: Uh, no. (Phoebe gets up and walks like a penguin. They laugh harder. She sits back down and they stop laughing.) Cole: You've come a long way haven't you? Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, I think I have. And of course I'm still living with my two sisters and still going to college, you know, eventually I'd like to work past that. Cole: You don't like living with your sisters? Phoebe: Um, it's more out of necessity. But enough about me. Tell me about you. Am I the only one with a past here? Cole: Mine's not very interesting. Phoebe: More secrets. Cole: I don't like to talk about my past much or my family. I lost them a long time ago. Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. I know how that feels. Um, I never knew my mother and my family left when I was really little. So we were raised by our grandmother. She's not with us anymore. Cole: But you still have your sisters. Phoebe: Yeah. And I thank god for them everyday. I don't know what I would do if I lost them. Are you okay? Cole: Phoebe, there's something I have to tell you. (pause) I'm a terrible dancer. Phoebe: You're a terrible dancer? Something tells me that's not what you were gonna say. (A slow song comes on.) Come on. (She stands up.) Cole: No, no, really, I... Phoebe: Okay, look, if we're not gonna talk about us and we're not gonna talk about you, we're gonna dance. Cole: I can't. (He stands up.) Phoebe: You can. Why would you bring me here if you're not gonna dance? (They walk onto the dance floor and slow dance.) [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Prue is on the phone.] Prue: I'm sorry I didn't make it. (Piper walks in.) No, I didn't forget. I loaned my car to someone and obviously... (Piper slams down a plate of food on the table.) they forgot to fill the tank. (to Piper) Keep it down will you? (in the phone) Alright, one more chance is al that I'm asking for. (to Piper) Where's Phoebe? Piper: The little witch is not home yet. Prue: (in the phone) No, tomorrow at P3 will not be a problem, okay... Piper: Actually, excuse me. (She takes the phone off of Prue.) (into the phone) Hi, actually, you know what? It is. (She hangs up.) Prue: Okay, alright, do you have any idea who that was? Piper: I couldn't care less. Prue: What is your problem? Piper: You are. Get your own damn club and keep your paws off of mine. Prue: Okay, whoa, obviously somebody needs a Midol. Piper: And I am so sick of all your stuff lying around. If you can't out your equipment away then I will. (She throws one of Prue's camera lens on the floor. Andras is watching from outside. Another ball of light shoots out of his hand and hits Prue.) Prue: Ooh, ooh! (Prue looks around and picks up the blender.) Who the hell do you think you are? (She throws the blender on the floor.) [Cut to outside. Cole and Phoebe drive up. Phoebe is sits facing Cole.] Phoebe: I had a great time tonight. Cole: Better than being at the homeowners meeting? Phoebe: Mmm, a little. Okay, you're married. Cole: What? Phoebe: That's the big secret. You're married. You have three kids, and two dogs, and a really cute cat, right? I'm your seven year itch? Cole: You found me out. Phoebe: Can't get anything past me. Cole: I guess not. Phoebe: Uh, about the other night. Are you sorry we, uh... Cole: Not at all. Are you? Phoebe: Depends on what happens next. Cole: Too bad you can't predict the future. Phoebe: Who says I can't? (They kiss. Andras is near by watching. Cole opens his eyes and sees him. They pull apart.) Um, are you sure you don't wanna come in? Cole: I've gotta get back to the case, you know. (She kisses him once more and starts to get out of the car.) Phoebe... Phoebe: Yeah? Cole: Goodbye. Phoebe: Goodnight. (She gets out of the car and walks up the stairs. He drives away.) [Cut to inside. Prue and Piper walk into the living room. They are still fighting.] Piper: Sure you can use P3 for a photo shoot. Hello? Remember me? (Phoebe walks in.) Prue: Oh, poor Piper. Well, you know what? The marter Ricky's really getting old. Phoebe: Hey, guys, what's going on? Prue/Piper: Shut up! Prue: You know what? I am so sorry that I didn't check with you about your stupid little club, I was too busy being the only witch concerned about the triad. Piper: Oh, right, without the mighty Prue Halliwell we'd all be dead. Get over yourself, Prue. Phoebe: Sisters, what has gotten into you two? Prue: By the way, you owe me for a car tow and a tank of gas, you little leech. Phoebe: I'm sorry, is it gang up on Phoebe day and nobody told me? Piper: News flash! The world does not revolve around Phoebe. Prue: Yes, so while you get to spend the night screwing the DA, we are stuck picking up your crap. (A ball of light shoots out of Andras and hits Phoebe.) Phoebe: What's the matter, Prue? Jealous? All work and no play making you even more boring? Prue: Oh, yeah, there's a lot to be jealous that I am still living off of my sisters. Piper: Yeah, Grams said that you'd never amount to anything. Prue: I am so sick of the fact that I've been saddled with the two of you my entire life. Phoebe: Whatever, I'm leaving. Piper: Oh, sure, you're such an immature brat, you leave every time you can't hack something. Phoebe: Well, there's nothing keeping me here now is there? Prue: Oh, well, I see that you've inherited dad's talent of bailing. Phoebe: That's because the two of us couldn't deal with living with the two of you. Piper: Well, at least I'm not so stupid I had to do college twice. Phoebe: Well, at least I actually had the courage to go away to college. What's the matter, Piper? The real world too much for you? I am so sick of the two of you ganging up on me and judging me. Prue: I am so sick of saving your asses. Piper: I'm sick of being taken for granted and those are mine. (Piper rips off Phoebe's earrings.) Phoebe: Ouch! Bitch! (Phoebe high kicks Piper but Piper ducks. Piper pushes Phoebe into Prue and Prue pushes her against a chair. Phoebe throws a piece of Prue's camera equipment at Prue and she blocks it with her power. It flies back towards Phoebe, Phoebe levitates and it passes under her legs towards Piper who freezes it. The camera piece unfreezes, hits a photo frame and it falls off the wall. Phoebe leaves.) [Cut to the attic. The triquetra on the Book Of Shadows splits apart.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Prue is cleaning up some broken glass. Piper bends down beside her.] Piper: Here. Prue: It's alright. Piper: I'll get it. Prue: Thanks. (Leo orbs in.) Piper: What's wrong? Leo: You tell me. Piper: Well, we had a little... Prue: Tiff. Leo: Must've been more than little because "they" felt it. Piper: What do you mean "they felt it"? Leo: What ever happened severed the power of three. Prue: Leo, that's impossible. (Leo picks up a glass bowl.) Leo: Freeze this. (He drops it, she tries to freeze it and it smashes on the floor.) Piper: Uhh... (Prue tries to move the glass.) Prue: What happened to our powers? Leo: That's what we have to figure out. Let's start with your little tiff. Piper: Well, that's a bit of an understatement. It was big. Leo: How big? Prue: Um, do you remember Pearl Harbor? Leo: Okay, so what triggered it? Piper: I-I don't know. Just little things I guess. I really didn't wanna do the stupid meeting and... Prue: My car ran out of gas and because of that I missed my job. Leo: That's it? Prue: Yeah, I mean, it's weird. We were angry but we shouldn't have been that angry. It was almost like something... Piper: Someone sort of came over us. Prue: Yeah, something like Belthazor. Leo: That doesn't track because no matter what he does, he doesn't have the power to take away yours. So back to your argument. You yelled and you threw stuff? Piper: Well, we did a little more than that. Prue: We used our powers. Leo: What, on each other? Alright, well, then that's what happened. Your powers are routed in your bond as sisters. Using them against each other must have severed that bond. Alright, you-you-you need to repair the damage of your relationship because without your powers you are extremely vulnerable. SO you need to get Ph... Prue: Phoebe's gone. Leo: Gone? Gone where? [Scene: Cole's apartment. Belthazor is kneeling in front of his altar chanting. There is a knock at the door. Belthazor closes the door to his altar.] Phoebe: Cole? Cole? (Belthazor walks over to the door and grabs onto the handle. He starts to open the door.) [Cut to the hallway. The door opens and Belthazor has changed back into Cole.] Phoebe: Hi. Cole: Phoebe, what are you doing here? Phoebe: Uh, I don't, I don't know. I was just walking around and I'm sorry, I know it's really late. Can I come in? Cole: Yeah, sure. (Phoebe walks in and Cole closes the door.) Phoebe: I had no where else to go. (She starts to cry.) Cole: It's okay. (He hugs her.) I'm glad you came here. What happened? Phoebe: After, after you dropped me off, my sisters and I got into a, a huge fight. It was horrible. Cole: You're safe here. [Cut to the manor. Attic. Piper and Prue are scrying for Phoebe. Leo is looking through the Book of Shadows.] Piper: Nothing. I-I can't find her. We don't even have basic powers anymore. Prue: I can not believe this is happening. Piper: What I don't understand is how could Belthazor make us that angry? That's not his power. Leo: No, it's not, but it is his. (Prue and Piper look at the Book.) Piper: "Andras, the spirit of rage. Uses anger as a portal to enrage his victims until they commit a greatest act of violence." Prue: Yeah, but that doesn't really explain everything. I mean, even if our fight was supernaturally amped, Andras magnifies anger into rage, he doesn't just create it out of thin air. Piper: So we gave him the upper hand. Leo: And he took full advantage. [Cut back to Cole's apartment.] Phoebe: I was just so angry and I said such horrible things to them and I-I-I didn't really mean any of it. (Cole touches he shoulder. She turns around and hugs him.) I'm sorry. Cole: Please. Let me get you a tissue. Here. (He sits her on the couch with her back to the altar. He walks over to his altar.) Phoebe: The things that were said. I don't even know where they were coming from. (Cole opens the door of his altar.) I mean, I guess it was issues, you know, (he reaches in his altar and pulls out a dagger) that were underlying, that were never really dealt with and then, and the all of a sudden just exploded. Cole: Nothing ever happen like that before? (He closes the altar door.) Phoebe: Oh, no, not like that. I mean, we used to fight all the time when we were little, you know. (Cole starts walking towards her holding the knife.) But since we moved in together, we just, we got really close, you know. (Cole pokes the knife in between his belt and sits down beside her.) We have been through so much together. (She touches his face.) Thank you for listening to me and thank you for being there for me. (They kiss. Cole reaches down and pulls the knife out of his belt. He raises it to get ready to stab her but changes his mind and hides it between the couch cushions. They pull apart.) Cole: I can't. I can't. Phoebe: What do you mean? (He stands up.) Cole: Phoebe, you need to go home. Now. (Phoebe stands up, hurt.) Phoebe: What? Why? Cole: Because you're vulnerable right now. I know we shouldn't do this. You need to go home. You need to go and figure out what happened. (She smiles a little.) Phoebe: You're right. I do. (They walk to the door.) Thank you. (They kiss. Andras appears.) Cole: You're welcome. (She leaves.) Andras: So the rumours are true. You've fallen for a witch. Cole: What are you doing here? Get out! Andras: The great Belthazor. Who would've ever thought. (Cole gets the knife out between the couch cushions.) I can hardly wait to see what the triad will do when I tell them you failed. Cole: I will kill you before you ever get the chance. Andras: Yeah? Then you really are a traitor, aren't you? (Cole changes into Belthazor.) Pissed off are you? Good. 'Cause there's something you don't know about me. I can possess my victims too. (Andras jumps inside Belthazor. Belthazor roars. He looks into the mirror.) Now, let's go finish what we started shall we? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Prue's on the phone.] Prue: If you hear from her just tell her to come home, okay, it's an emergency. Thanks. (She hangs up.) So she's not at the club and none of her friends has seen her. Piper: Did you try Cole? Prue: No answer. Piper: If something happens to her I'll never forgive myself. Leo: Nothing's gonna happen. Leo: Leo, something happened to Grams, something happened to mum, it kind of runs in the family. (Phoebe walks in.) Prue: Phoebe, thank god. Phoebe: Has the tribal council spoken? Am I booted off the island? (Piper hugs Phoebe.) Piper: Are you okay? Phoebe: Yeah. Piper: Where were you? Phoebe: I was at Cole's. And after a lot of talking and tears, he convinced me to come home and deal with what happened. Prue: Belthazor is what happened. Phoebe: What? Piper: Abbreviated version, he used some under length spirit to enrage us and when we fought we lost our powers. No more triquetra, no more power of three. Phoebe: What, we have no powers? But that means that... Prue: That he's gonna come try kill us. Which when you didn't come home, we thought that he had already... Phoebe: No, it's okay, I'm fine. So what do we do? A spell, a vanquish, a potion? Leo: You need to try and restore your bond as sisters. I'll give you some privacy. (He leaves.) Prue: A potion would be easier, huh? Piper: Oh, yeah. Um, Phoebe, Grams didn't say you'd never amount to anything. That was just me being mean. She was, is, very proud of you. Phoebe: We all know that sometimes I'm not the most responsible person in the world. Prue: No, Phoebe, that's all kind of ancient history isn't it? I mean, you've grown up a lot and I'm sorry I don't treat you like you have all the time. Phoebe: It's okay. Since mum died... Piper: You did take care of us and you do still look out for us all the time and we don't always say thank you. Sometimes we take you for granted. Prue: I don't think I'm the one who's been taken for granted. You know, who needs Oprah when we can do it ourselves. (They giggle.) Phoebe: Do you think we have our powers back? (Belthazor bursts through the door.) Prue: Oh! (She tries to use her power.) Alright, no, you try. (Piper tries to freeze him.) Piper: No, mine not working either. Phoebe: We worked on our issues. (Leo runs up behind him and slams a chair over his back. Belthazor hits him in the face.) Piper: Leo! Prue: No, wait. You guys run, I'll hold him off. Phoebe: No, Prue, we're in this together. (The triquetra on the Book of Shadows joins back up.) Look, the Book. (Prue uses her power and knocks the knife out of Belthazor's hand. Belthazor throws a lightning ball at them and Prue uses her power to block it. It flies back, hits Belthazor and Andras gets knocked out of him.) Prue: Okay, that's new. Phoebe: Demon with demon filling. Belthazor: (to Andras) Nobody crosses me. (A lighting ball hits Andras and he disappears. Belthazor picks up the knife.) Prue: Okay, positions. (He walks towards Phoebe and she kicks him in the face.) Prue: Uh, Piper? (Piper freezes the knife he throws at her.) Piper: Whoa. (Prue astral projects behind him and kicks him in the back.) (Piper plucks the knife out of the air and slices Belthazor. A chunk of skin falls to the ground. Belthazor roars. He grabs Piper's arm, twists it and hits her in the face. She falls to the floor. Prue astral projects back in her body. She uses her power and Belthazor crashes through the window. He changes back into Cole. He disappears. Prue and Phoebe run over to to the window.) Phoebe: He's gone. Prue: At least for now. (Leo helps Piper up.) Piper: Ow. Are you okay? Leo: Yeah. Good thing I'm already dead. Did you get him? Piper: Ooh, yeah. (She picks up the skin.) I got a slice. Prue: Mmm, yum, the other white meat. Leo: Better him than me. Phoebe: Well, at least now we can work on the vanquishing spell. Prue: Well, better hurry before Belthazor's encore. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Fastball is playing there. Prue walks up to Piper and Phoebe who are sitting in the alcove. She sits down.] Phoebe: Hey, how did the photo session go? Prue: Not as good as if it had been done here but definitely better for our relationship. Piper: Well, next time just give me some warning and I'll be happy to accommodate you. Prue: Oh, I promise. By the way, how was your doctors appointment? Piper: It was fine. Everything was normal except my stress level. Phoebe: Oh, I don't mean to stress you out even more but I ran into Ellen and Claire and they said they worked everything out with Mrs. Snyder. What did you say to them anyway? Piper: Oh, nothing, I just spoke my mind. Prue: Maybe you should handle all the meetings. Piper: No. Absolutely not. Phoebe: Wow, you're getting good at saying no. Piper: Thank you. Phoebe: Anyway I think it's good that we got everything out on the table. And for the sake of innocents everywhere, I think we should always tell each other how we feel. Piper: Well, not always. We might kill each other. Phoebe: Okay, then most of the time. Just enough to keep demons away from splitting us up. Prue: I agree with that. (Phoebe looks around for Cole.) Prue: Haven't heard from Cole yet, huh? Phoebe: No. I still can't figure that guy out. But I will. [Scene: Triad. Cole appears.] Triad #1: I warned you, Belthazor. I warned you what would what happen if you failed us. Triad #2: He's done more than fail us. He's betrayed us. You've betrayed the source. Triad #1: He's showed sympathy to the witches. Triad #3: And squandered a golden opportunity. (A rotating ball of fire appears in Triad #3's hand.) You are allowed one final statement. Cole: I've got nothing to say. Except... (Cole pulls out a knife and throws it at Triad #3. Triad #2 throws a fireball at Cole but Cole disappears and it misses. He reappears behind Triad #1 and breaks his neck. He throws a lightning bolt at Triad #2 and he is engulfed in flames. Cole stands there and yells at the top of his voice.)
Plan: A: Cole's latest plan; Q: What plan involves having an anger demon cast a spell on the sisters? A: Cole; Q: Whose love for Phoebe causes him to be an obstacle in seeing his plan through? A: petty anger; Q: What does the spell Cole cast on the Charmed Ones cause? A: their path; Q: What does the spell Cole cast on the sisters cause them to lose power if other demons cross? A: his plan; Q: What does Cole's growing love for Phoebe cause him to be an obstacle in seeing through? A: Triad; Q: Who finds out about Cole's love for Phoebe? A: Leo; Q: Who urges the sisters to make up in order to get the power of three back to fight Beltazor? Summary: Cole's latest plan to take down the Charmed Ones involve having an anger demon cast a spell on the sisters that causes petty anger to render them powerless if other demons cross their path. However, his growing love for Phoebe causes Cole to be an obstacle in seeing his plan through, especially after the Triad finds out. Leo urges the sisters to make up in order to get the power of three back to fight Beltazor.
THE DÆMONS BY: GUY LEOPOLD 6:10pm - 6:35pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN MASTER: Eo evoheh! Eo evoheh Azal! I will speak with you! Show yourself! (A rumbling breaks out and a cold mist starts to fill the cavern. BOK looks round as a film of ice appears on the MASTER'S face. He turns and stares as something starts to rise from the painted stone and grows in height over him. A look of alarm appears on his face as the earth starts to shake and he falls to the ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (The tremors reach the heat barrier, throwing the DOCTOR and the men from UNIT around.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". GUEST ROOM (They are enough to wake JO from her drug-induced sleep...) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR (...while downstairs, YATES, BENTON and MISS HAWTHORNE try to hold onto the bar and avoid flying glass and other objects.) MISS HAWTHORNE: The dæmon! If he comes out, we shall all die! [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (The manifestation approaches the MASTER who slides back across the floor in panic...) MASTER: (Shouts.) No, no stop! Go back to the mark! [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (The tremors have ceased and an impatient DOCTOR is haranguing the UNIT troops again...) DOCTOR: Now get a move on with the heat exchanger! We've got to get it charged and through this barrier and down to the village before it's too late. (SGT. OSGOOD and another soldier lift a large piece of machinery into the back of an open jeep and fit it into place over a second device which is already secured there.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (The MASTER crawls backwards towards a pillar. The whole cavern is suffused in a red glow and the sound of a wind howls through the chamber.) MASTER: No! No, back! Back! (The MASTER sees a large candle-stand, leaps to his feet and brandishes it in front of him as a weapon.) MASTER: In the name of the unspeakable one - back! (There is a rumble like thunder.) MASTER: Nackniad seriatach, back! [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". GUEST ROOM (JO is sat up in bed - a state of shock registering on her face.) JO: The cavern! I must get to the cavern! (Still dressed, she throws the bedsheets back, jumps up and makes for the door, grabbing her jacket on the way. She climbs down a couple of steps which lead down to the bedroom door and opens it but halts in her tracks when she hears voices downstairs. She listens...) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (OOV: In main bar.) Well, I'm going down to the cavern to see what's going on. MISS HAWTHORNE: (OOV: In main bar.) You can't, dear boy, the Doctor told us to stay here. SERGEANT BENTON: (OOV: In main bar.) Well, anyway, we can't just leave Jo alone. (JO shuts the door and climbs back into the main body of the room. She looks out of the window next to the bed and then, putting her jacket on, crosses to the window at the back of the room. She opens it...) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". BACK YARD (...and climbs out onto the roof of a small extension that juts out of the back of the pub. There is a small stepladder already placed there which JO uses to descend to ground level. Once down, she walks down a passage at the side of the pub...) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (...and emerges at the front of the pub on the village green where Bessie is parked. She checks to ensure that she has not been seen and then runs off towards the church.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR (Inside the pub, CAPTAIN YATES picks up another piece of fallen furniture and then makes for the door.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: I'm going to see what's happening. (MISS HAWTHORNE and then SERGEANT BENTON both run forward to stop him.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Oh, you can't, it's too dangerous! SERGEANT BENTON: Look, the Doctor told us to stop here, sir. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Oh, all right. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (UNIT soldiers roll forward a drum of cable as SGT. OSGOOD sits in the back of the open jeep connecting the device under the DOCTOR'S watchful and critical eye.) DOCTOR: No, man, no. You're trying to channel the entire output of the national power complex through one transistor. Reverse it. SGT. OSGOOD: Reverse what? DOCTOR: Reverse the polarity. SGT. OSGOOD: Look, we'd get along much faster if we knew what we were doing. DOCTOR: Yes, I couldn't agree with you more, sergeant! Now let's concentrate shall we? (The BRIGADIER comes out of the mobile HQ and goes up to OSGOOD in the jeep.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right, I've fixed with Nuton for the power to be off for fifteen minutes. Ready to link up? SGT. OSGOOD: No sir. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well when will you be ready, for heaven's sake? DOCTOR: About next Christmas, I shouldn't wonder! At a rough estimate of course. SGT. OSGOOD: (To the DOCTOR, angrily.) Look, if you push ten thousand volts through this lash up you'll blow it anyway! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Quietly.) Just do as you're told, sergeant. The Doctor knows what he's doing. SGT. OSGOOD: Right, sir. (To a soldier.) Right, Jenkins, have you got that junction box lined up? (As OSGOOD climbs out of the jeep to hurry the soldier, the BRIGADIER approaches the heat barrier and speaks quietly to the DOCTOR.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Do you know what you're doing? DOCTOR: (Grins.) My dear chap, I can't wait to find out! [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (A huge being stands before the MASTER in the cavern. Two enormous cloven feet stand on the ground supporting two legs on which dark hair grows part way down. The bottom half of the creature resembles an animal - it is the Dæmon, AZAL. It speaks in a huge booming voice and when it does so, wind howls as if its words disturb the very elements...) AZAL: Speak! (The MASTER nervously steps forward.) MASTER: I am the Master. I called you here. AZAL: That I know! Tell me why you now call me! MASTER: Give me your knowledge and your power. AZAL: Why?! MASTER: So that I may rule these primitives on Earth here, and help them to fulfill your plan. AZAL: You are not one of their kind! MASTER: No, I'm superior to them - that's why I should be their leader. AZAL: There is another here of your race! MASTER: (Confidently.) He has been destroyed. AZAL: No! (The MASTER flinches.) AZAL: He lives! (The MASTER licks his lips nervously.) AZAL: I would speak with him! MASTER: (Angrily.) I think not! (AZAL'S raging voice booms even louder and the MASTER jumps back.) AZAL: Take care, creature! With your few pitiful grains of knowledge, you have summoned me here, but I am not your slave...and you are not immortal! (The MASTER bows in supplication.) MASTER: Forgive me, might one, forgive me. Nevertheless, I claim that which is rightfully mine. (The MASTER looks up at a head which is covered in dark ringlets of hair and which sits on a human pair of shoulders.) AZAL: Your mind is superior to mankind's - and your will is stronger! MASTER: Then I am to be your choice? AZAL: I shall consider! Now leave! MASTER: But you will come again? AZAL: I shall appear but once more! So be warned - there is danger! My race...destroys its failures - remember Atlantis! MASTER: Yes, but surely... AZAL: (Interrupts, shouting.) Be silent! I am the last of the Dæmons. This planet smells to me of failure! It may be that I shall destroy it! You still wish me to come once more?! (The MASTER, although undeniably nervous, nods.) MASTER: I do. AZAL: Very well! Now goooooo! (The MASTER bows hurriedly and runs out of the cavern. As he goes, the air glows white with heat and shimmers, thunder rumbles and the earth shakes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. CHURCH. VESTRY (He runs into the vestry and shuts the door behind him. Even here, the air is white and shimmers. The MASTER pulls at his collar in the hot air and tries to breath but he is nevertheless exultant at the result of his interview with the Dæmon and starts to laugh.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: EXT. CHURCHYARD (Outside, JO staggers through the heat and howling wind at the back of the churchyard. She falls against a wall where ivy is thrashed about in the storm. It seems to catch hold of the girl) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR (MIKE YATES falls to the floor in the pub. He tries to get up but the force of the heat and the keeps him down. He too cries out in pain.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (At the heat barrier, the DOCTOR and the BRIGADIER look towards the village.) DOCTOR: He's going. Now I must get back. The next time could be the finish. (He looks over to where SGT. OSGOOD is still fixing the machine in the back of the jeep.) DOCTOR: Sergeant Osgood, can you operate that machine now? SGT. OSGOOD: Well, I'm not quite sure... DOCTOR: (Interrupting.) Yes, well, you'll have to. We may have very little time left. (The DOCTOR walks towards the motorcycle and climbs onto it.) SGT. OSGOOD: Wait, Doctor! I still don't understand how you lock the pulse generator to the feedback circuit - they'll never be in phase. DOCTOR: Well of course they won't! That's the whole point! SGT. OSGOOD: Well, how do you do it then? DOCTOR: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, well I'll explain once again - only this time, please listen! [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (In the cavern, the Dæmon closes in on the marked stone and returns to its diminished state.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR (As the heat dies down, YATES clambers to his feet and a thought strikes him.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Jo? (He runs up the stairs...) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Jo! Jo! [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". GUEST ROOM (...and into the guest room.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: You all right, Jo? (He sees the empty bed and the open window. He then looks out the front window and realises what has happened.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Little idiot! (He runs back out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR (BENTON rights a chair as MISS HAWTHORNE goes behind the bar.) MISS HAWTHORNE: You all right? SERGEANT BENTON: More or less. How about you? MISS HAWTHORNE: Shaken, I'll admit. (CAPTAIN YATES comes back downstairs as MISS HAWTHORNE starts to pour themselves a couple of drinks.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Jo's gone -out of the window. I'm going after her. SERGEANT BENTON: Well, do you know where she is, sir? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: I know all right - she'll have gone to the cavern. MISS HAWTHORNE: No! SERGEANT BENTON: Oh, trust her! CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Look, when the Doc gets back, tell him what's happened. SERGEANT BENTON: Look, be careful sir. I don't want you to cop it like I did. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Huh, not if I can help it. (YATES leaves the pub. BENTON goes over to the bar where MISS HAWTHORNE passes him a glass and has one for herself.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Sergeant? SERGEANT BENTON: Thank you. (He takes the glass and swigs the drink back.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. CHURCH. VESTRY (BERT is with the MASTER in the church vestry.) MASTER: And make sure you do the job properly. The Doctor's been in my way for far too long. You know, I was very foolish to speak with Azal alone. Next time, I shall use the full ceremony. Every possible member of the coven must be present. If I'm going to control Azal, I need every ounce of power I can summon up. (BERT nods.) MASTER: Very well. (He opens the door and ushers BERT out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: EXT. CHURCHYARD (Arriving at the front of the churchyard, MIKE sees the vestry door opening and BERT coming out. He runs for cover behind a gravestone and watches BERT leave, get into a car and drive off. MIKE then runs through the main door of the church. On the other side of the building, in the back of the churchyard, the ivy releases its grip and JO falls onto the ground in a dead faint.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (The DOCTOR has drawn a circuit diagram on the glass shield of the motorcycle and is taking the watching OSGOOD and LETHBRIDGE STEWART through it.) DOCTOR: And it comes out here. Right? SGT. OSGOOD: (Uncertain.) Right...I think. DOCTOR: (Exasperated.) Good grief, man! It's as simple as Einstein's special theory of relativity! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: We'll manage, Doctor. DOCTOR: Good. And when you get that thing finished, bring it through the barrier and down to the village at once, all right? (The BRIGADIER nods and the DOCTOR starts up the motorcycle and drives off back to the village. The BRIGADIER goes over to OSGOOD who is back at the machine in the jeep.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Do you know, sergeant, I sometimes wish I worked in a bank! (OSGOOD smiles as the BRIGADIER goes over to some soldiers.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right, at the double there! [SCENE_BREAK] 25: EXT. CHURCHYARD (JO comes round. She gets up and runs off from the ivy in fear. Then she summons her courage, stops and heads back, giving the ivy a wide berth. Making sure that no one is around, she then makes a run for the church.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. CHURCH. VESTRY (She enters the now deserted vestry and quickly crosses through it. She goes through the door which leads down to the cavern.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (She descends the steps and starts to look round the cavern for the first time. Her attention is caught by the effigies at the back of the chamber and she walks along examining them. Suddenly she stops and cries out - sat back on his plinth is Bok, again an inanimate statue. Not realising this JO backs away and doesn't see a figure which approaches her from behind and clamps a hand over her mouth. She turns to see that it is MIKE.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Shh! They're in and out all the time. JO: Mike! CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Why didn't you stay in bed? JO: I had to find out what was going on. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: You're an idiot! This place is alive with booby traps! JO: What? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Spells, elementals - the Doctor's force-fields. (JO looks round.) JO: Where...where are they? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: All over. Here, I'll show you. Give me that book there ... (JO picks up a red book from a nearby table and passes it to MIKE.) JO: Yes. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Now watch this. (He throws the book onto the marked painted stone and it is instantaneously ripped to shreds, the pieces being thrown into the air. MIKE and JO jump back.) JO: It's a trick! A horrible conjuring trick! CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: You think so? Remember Benton? Now come on, let's get out of... (They suddenly hear a noise from the vestry.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Shh! (He pulls JO into cover behind a circular railing on the far side of the cavern. A black robed member of the coven enters the chamber and goes up to the altar.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: EXT. ROAD (The DOCTOR rides the motorcycle back to the village. As he goes down the winding, tree-lined road, he hears a shot. BERT is in lying in wait behind a fallen tree in a field next to the road, rifle pointed at the moving target. He fires again but misses once more. The DOCTOR drives the bike down a small side track and into a field. BERT aims once more and fires again. The DOCTOR deliberately turns the bike over and falls to the ground. Looking over to where his would-be assassin is, he gets up and starts to run for cover in some trees. BERT fires again and then gives chase.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (JO and MIKE watch as the coven member lies an ornate dagger down on the altar.) JO: Mike, I'm scared. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Don't worry. The Doc'll be here soon. Benton knows we're here. [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR (BENTON is attempting to contact the mobile HQ.) SERGEANT BENTON: (Into radio.) Hello, greyhound, this is trap three. Do you read me, over? (All he receives is static. He tries again as MISS HAWTHORNE walks up with a tea tray.) SERGEANT BENTON: (Into radio.) Hello, greyhound, greyhound, do you read me, over? MISS HAWTHORNE: I've bought you a nice cuppa, sergeant! I hope you like china. SERGEANT BENTON: For goodness sake, Miss Hawthorne! MISS HAWTHORNE: What's the matter? Don't you like tea? SERGEANT BENTON: Something's gone badly wrong. We've no idea what's happening to Miss Grant and the captain, the Doctor should be back here by now, I can't get through to the Brigadier and...you're nattering on about tea! (Sat down, MISS HAWTHORNE smiles and pours from a teapot.) MISS HAWTHORNE: You must learn the art of waiting, sergeant. The Doctor will come...or else he won't and that's all that can be said. Now, milk or lemon? (BENTON sighs and tries the radio again.) SERGEANT BENTON: (Into radio.) Hello, greyhound, greyhound, do you read me, over? [SCENE_BREAK] 31: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (At the UNIT convoy, a group of soldiers hammer some metal spikes into the ground as OSGOOD sits at the now-operating machine. It gives off a loud whine. The BRIGADIER comes out of the mobile HQ.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Sergeant? SGT. OSGOOD: Sir? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Is it you making that horrible racket? I can't get a thing through. The air's thick with it. SGT. OSGOOD: (Enthusiastically.) Yes, sir, yes. Testing you see, sir - this is fascinating! It's not right yet but even on the battery, it's pumping it out! It's a sort of controlled resonance... BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Interrupting.) Yes, well never mind the mumbo-jumbo. Keep the wretched thing switched off until it's ready. SGT. OSGOOD: I'm sorry, sir, I can't. I must finish the tests. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well how long are you going to be? SGT. OSGOOD: About a minute, sir. I've got the hang of it now. (He bends down over the machine - out from which emits a small explosion. OSGOOD raises his blackened and rueful face.) SGT. OSGOOD: Half an hour, sir...at least. (The BRIGADIER shakes his head and goes back into the mobile HQ.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. VICARAGE HALLWAY (The MASTER, book in hand, comes down the stairs at the vicarage to answer a repeated hammering knock on the front door. He opens it to see an apologetic looking BERT on the doorstep.) BERT THE LANDLORD: Magister...I'm sorry. (The MASTER guesses the reason for the visit and turns back into the hallway.) MASTER: The Doctor got away. (BERT follows.) BERT THE LANDLORD: How did you know that? Well, yes he did. Y...you see, what happened... MASTER: (Interrupting.) Excuses waste time - where is he? BERT THE LANDLORD: I...lost him in the woods. Expect he's making his way back to the village by now. MASTER: Then we must see that he is given a suitable welcome, mustn't we? (He looks meaningfully at BERT who smiles and nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. UNIT MOBILE HQ (The BRIGADIER uses the temporary halt to SGT. OSGOOD'S effort with the machine to call the pub.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) What's the matter with you, Benton? I want to speak to the Doctor, over. [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR SERGEANT BENTON: (Into radio, puzzled.) But I...but I thought he was still with you sir, over. [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. UNIT MOBILE HQ BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) No, he left here...oh, a good forty minutes ago. Hasn't... [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (OOV: Over radio.) ...he turned up yet? SERGEANT BENTON: (Into radio.) Well, no sir. Not a sign of him. (BENTON goes over to the window to look outside to the village green.) SERGEANT BENTON: (Into radio.) Do you suppose he's all right, sir? Over. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (OOV: Over radio.) Maybe he's piled up that wretched motorbike. SERGEANT BENTON: (Into radio.) Well, do you want me to go and look for him sir, over. [SCENE_BREAK] 37: INT. UNIT MOBILE HQ BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) No, better give him a bit longer. (OSGOOD, his face still blackened, enters the mobile HQ, a coil of cable in his hands.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) Oh, but if he does turn up will you tell him that we're running into a bit of trouble with our...feedback phasing. (To OSGOOD.) Is that right, Osgood? Well? SGT. OSGOOD: Yes, sir. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) Yes, that's it, Benton. Tell him that will you? Over and out. [SCENE_BREAK] 38: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR (BENTON slams the aerial on his radio home and goes over to where MISS HAWTHORNE sits working on some crochet.) SERGEANT BENTON: That's it then. MISS HAWTHORNE: More waiting, sergeant. SERGEANT BENTON: Yes, well the Captain and Miss Grant should have been back ages ago. And the Doctor seems to have disappeared completely. Look, I'm gonna go and have a nose around out there. MISS HAWTHORNE: You stay where you are. I'll go and look for them. (She gets up but BENTON gently pushes her back into her chair.) SERGEANT BENTON: I'm sorry, ma'am, would you please do as you're told! (MISS HAWTHORNE smiles as BENTON goes back to the window to check that the coast is clear.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Anyone in sight? SERGEANT BENTON: No, just a few villagers. (He comes away from the window.) SERGEANT BENTON: Er, could you tell the Doctor I've gone to the cavern? (Suddenly, the faint sound of accordion music reaches them.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Wait, listen! (She goes over to window and looks out. BENTON joins her.) SERGEANT BENTON: Well, what do they thing they're doing? [SCENE_BREAK] 39: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (A maypole has been erected on the village green. A group of villagers stand on the far side of the green looking down a side round down which comes a procession of MORRIS DANCERS. The bells they wear jangle in time to the skips of their dance and heading them is the traditional figure of the paper man - a lead man who wears a coat and hat entirely covered with strips of paper that flutter in the wind - but it is BERT who wears this coat and plays this part. Across the green, sinister moves take place as a door opens and a mother, a look of concern on her face, pulls her little girl indoors. As the procession of MORRIS DANCERS, followed by a dancing group of villagers reaches the green, another householder shuts her window, as if not wanting to take part in the events that are about to unfold. The dancing villagers skip towards the maypole and take their places around it, each one taking up a ribbon. The MORRIS DANCERS and BERT finish their first dance.) [SCENE_BREAK] 40: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR MISS HAWTHORNE: Charming! SERGEANT BENTON: Yeah, they're round the twist if you ask me. MISS HAWTHORNE: Oh, but it's Mayday. We always have the Morris Dancers on Mayday. It's traditional. (Another tune strikes up. BENTON points outside.) SERGEANT BENTON: Hey look, there's the Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] 41: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (The villagers skip round the maypole and the MORRIS DANCERS carry out their own intricate steps as the DOCTOR appears round the corner and starts to walk across the green to the pub. The fool of the DANCERS, dressed in a white smock and correctly separate from his colleagues, beats out at the DOCTOR with his "pig's bladder on a stick".) DOCTOR: Yes, yes, most amusing. (The DOCTOR changes direction to escape the attentions of the fool but BERT signals to the MORRIS DANCERS who come out of their established pattern and surround the DOCTOR. They dance round him holding him in place with crossed sticks.) DOCTOR: Now please, let me pass. (They spin the DOCTOR round.) DOCTOR: Er, frankly, any time I'd gladly join you but I... (They carry on spinning the DOCTOR round. THORPE is one of the villagers dancing round the maypole and he watches events as BERT pulls out a small automatic from the paper folds of his coat. The MORRIS DANCERS lever the DOCTOR to the ground and hold him in place with the sticks across his neck.) DOCTOR: What on earth is going...? What are you doing?! What on earth is this?! (BERT leans forward and points the automatic straight at the DOCTOR'S face.) BERT THE LANDLORD: You're being invited to join our Mayday revels, Doctor! I'm sure you don't want to disappoint us - or Mr. Magister. (The DOCTOR looks grimly at the pointed gun and the music stops.) [SCENE_BREAK] 42: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR (BENTON and MISS HAWTHORNE are unable to see what is happening properly from their vantage point.) MISS HAWTHORNE: They seem to have stopped. SERGEANT BENTON: Yeah...hey, what's happening?! Well, that doesn't look very traditional! [SCENE_BREAK] 43: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (Sticks still held across his neck, the DOCTOR is pulled across to the maypole and THORPE ties his hands behind his back, securing him in place.) [SCENE_BREAK] 44: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR SERGEANT BENTON: Look, I've got to go and help him. MISS HAWTHORNE: No, you can't - there are too many of them! (BENTON ignores her and goes to the door. He opens it and a stave comes crashing down. He jumps back into the pub and one of the Morris Dancers runs in after him. BENTON tries to raise his gun but the dancer brings his stave crashing down on his hand and he drops the weapon. The dancer then punches BENTON onto the bar and brings the stave crashing down on his back. BENTON manages to turn and grab the stave as it comes down again. The two men wrestle for the weapon and BENTON manages to throw the dancer across the room. BENTON reaches for the gun but the dancer is fast up on his feet and smashes the stave down on his hand again, then kicks the SERGEANT. BENTON is then knocked back onto a table and again they wrestle for possession of the stave. It is MISS HAWTHORNE who decides the result of the fight when she comes up behind the dancer and smashes her handbag down on the head of the dancer who immediately falls to the ground unconscious. BENTON lies on the table holding his bruised ribs.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Did he hurt you? SERGEANT BENTON: What happened? MISS HAWTHORNE: I hit him with my reticule. (She takes a large crystal ball out of her handbag.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Oh, on these occasions, the outcome's a certainty! SERGEANT BENTON: Very handy, thank you. MISS HAWTHORNE: I always carry it with me. (BENTON, battered and bruised once again, picks up his gun.) MISS HAWTHORNE: No, sergeant, wait. Look, I know these people. They're not wicked - well most of them anyway. SERGEANT BENTON: So? MISS HAWTHORNE: So, it's up to us to explain to them how mistaken they are. Now, listen carefully... [SCENE_BREAK] 45: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (To another tune, the villagers dance round the maypole, securing the DOCTOR even tighter with the ribbons on the pole as they circle him. BERT watches.) DOCTOR: The Master's planning to make slaves of you all. I'm the only one who has a chance of stopping him! BERT THE LANDLORD: He's lying! He is the enemy! Mr. Magister will care for you - give you everything you've ever wanted. DOCTOR: That's nonsense - all the Master will bring upon you is disaster! BERT THE LANDLORD: He is the enemy! He's a black witch! A witch, do you hear? (The dance comes to an end and the villagers walk in towards the DOCTOR and surround him.) BERT THE LANDLORD: A witch...and you've always known what you must do with a witch, haven't you? (The villagers mutter to each other.) BERT THE LANDLORD: "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live!" (The villagers mutter again.) VILLAGER: That's what they say... DOCTOR: (To BERT.) Are you out of your mind? BERT THE LANDLORD: (To the DOCTOR.) Shut up! (To the villagers.) That's right, friends - "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live" (Shouts.) Burn him! THORPE: Burn him! VILLAGERS: Burn him! Burn him! (The DOCTOR looks round in concern.) [SCENE_BREAK] 46: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (Again the coven are meeting in the cavern. The MASTER throws a piece of phosphorus material into the small urn. It flares.) MASTER: Eo evoheh! COVEN: Eo evoheh! MASTER: As my will, so mote it be. COVEN: Nema. (YATES and JO watch from hiding.) MASTER: Harken to my voice, oh dark one. Ancient and awful, supreme in artifice, bearer of power, be present here at my command and truly do my will. Ava, Avara, Agarbara, Gad, Gadoal, Galdina! (He throws another piece of phosphorescent material into the urn.) MASTER: As my will, so mote it be! COVEN: As thy will, so mote it be! (From their hiding place, JO and YATES watch as the Bok's red eyes light up. The gargoyle is coming to life again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 47: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (Stacks of brushwood have been piled up around the DOCTOR and the maypole. THORPE stands with an unlit torch and a cigarette lighter. MISS HAWTHORNE comes running from the pub and THORPE, watched by a female villager who is both horrified and fascinated, lights his torch.) BERT THE LANDLORD: Now! (THORPE is about to thrust the torch into the brushwood, but...) MISS HAWTHORNE: Stop! You will bring a terrible retribution upon yourselves if you persist! (She runs up to BERT.) BERT THE LANDLORD: Shut up, you silly old fool! MISS HAWTHORNE: You would dare to harm the great wizard Quiquaequod? THORPE: (Puzzled.) Wizard? (MISS HAWTHORNE sees THORPE'S confusion and addresses him.) MISS HAWTHORNE: You wouldn't listen to me before and now you're in the power of the Magister. You know I speak the truth. BERT THE LANDLORD: Get on with it, man! (THORPE is about to push the torch in again.) MISS HAWTHORNE: No wait, listen to me - under the Magister you have been frightened, injured, your property destroyed. Serve the great Quiquaequod - in him lies peace and great joy! (The DOCTOR, who has been listening in some puzzlement himself, nods.) BERT THE LANDLORD: If he's such a great magician, let's see him untie himself. DOCTOR: You choose to mock the great Quiquaequod? Well, I will not. BERT THE LANDLORD: Because you can't! (An impatient BERT crosses the THORPE and snatches the torch from him.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Oh, give him a sign of your power, O mighty one! DOCTOR: What had you mind? (MISS HAWTHORNE looks round and points to a lamp post in the centre of the green.) MISS HAWTHORNE: I know! That lamp - shatter it! DOCTOR: (Puzzled.) Shatter it...I see. (The DOCTOR tries to hide his confusion and shouts across the green.) DOCTOR: Lamp - I order you to shatter! (The glass shatters. The villagers gasp.) DOCTOR: You see? That could have been you. Now, all of you...look at the, erm... (The DOCTOR looks round, spots another target and looks to MISS HAWTHORNE for confirmation.) DOCTOR: Weathercock on the church tower? (MISS HAWTHORNE nods and BENTON, at the pub window, re-aims his pistol fitted with a silencer.) DOCTOR: Weathercock - now! (The weathercock spins round of its own accord and the villagers gasp again as BENTON retracts his arm in from the window.) FIRST VILLAGER: He is - he's a magician! SECOND VILLAGER: He is a magician! MISS HAWTHORNE: Bert, drop that torch! You're beaten and you know it! BERT THE LANDLORD: Am I? (BERT is about to light the pyre but BENTON fires once more and shoots the torch out of his hand.) DOCTOR: ... (To MISS HAWTHORNE.) Daughter of light, would you kindly untie my bonds? BERT THE LANDLORD: You...don't scare me with a lot of daft tricks! Mr. Magister has the real power. MISS HAWTHORNE: His power is worth nothing in comparison. BERT THE LANDLORD: Right...well let's see if you can turn aside a bullet! (BERT walks round to them and pulls out his automatic. BENTON aims again, but villagers are now blocking his target.) DOCTOR: I'll give you one more chance. Look behind you. BERT THE LANDLORD: That's the oldest trick in the book. DOCTOR: Very well. (Shouts.) Let my familiar spirit bring that car to me! (Bessie, parked outside the pub, starts up and drives, seemingly by herself, onto the green. The villagers, and BENTON, watch in amazement. BERT keeps his aim on the DOCTOR and doesn't even turn to see the approaching vehicle.) BERT THE LANDLORD: You won't frighten me, you know. Do you think I'm as stupid as this lot? (The car gets nearer. BENTON comes out of the pub as BERT finally hears the engine immediately behind him. He turns and fires but Bessie is upon him and he falls back, being pinned to the ground by the vehicle. The villagers are amazed.) VILLAGER: That's it - he is a god! MISS HAWTHORNE: You really are a magician! DOCTOR: I'm sorry to disappoint you, madam, but I were, I'd hardly need your assistance in extricating me from this...this sacrificial gift wrapping! (MISS HAWTHORNE starts to untie him as BENTON runs up.) SERGEANT BENTON: How on earth did you do that, Doctor? DOCTOR: Elemental, my dear Benton! (BERT makes a run for it but BENTON is too quick and, using the side of Bessie as a springboard, jumps on BERT and pulls him to the ground, aiming his gun at him.) SERGEANT BENTON: Oh, no you don't chum - we've all got a date with the Master - haven't we? [SCENE_BREAK] 48: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (The coven circle the altar as the MASTER stands arms aloft.) MASTER: Ogoteruss awbm, Aleht tnewy ramahe, Ehwy revedna wonssa, Etih swawec stahn, Bmaltlttiladahy ram! (The coven halt.) COVEN: Eoh evoteh! (A member of the coven walks forward, holding a chicken.) MASTER: Azal! We have power over life, you and I. Accept this life I now dedicate to thee! (JO watches in horror.) MASTER: Atanee Bmaltlttiladahy ram! (He raises the dagger. JO has seen enough and runs forward.) JO: No! Stop it! It's evil - don't you see that? It's evil! MASTER: You are too late, my dear! Eko, eko, Azal! COVEN: Eko, eko, Azal! (A cold wind starts to blow through the cavern. The air turns red and the MASTER holds his arms aloft, laughing. A rumble sounds behind them and the MASTER and JO spin round and look down at the painted stone on the floor of the back of the cavern behind them. From it, a creature growing in size appears and steps forward turning round to face the group as it continues to grow to an enormous height. With cloven feet, the legs of an animal, horns on its head and a cruel face with a slavering mouth made up of sharp pointed teeth, AZAL is the image of the devil!) MASTER: (Laughs.) Azal! (JO looks up in horror as AZAL reaches its full height. The Dæmon has made its final appearance...)
Plan: A: The Master; Q: Who orders Bert to set a trap for the Doctor? A: the village; Q: Where does the Doctor live? A: a concussed Jo; Q: Who makes for the cavern? Summary: The Master orders Bert to set a trap for the Doctor at the village while a concussed Jo makes for the cavern.
THE HAND OF FEAR BY: BOB BAKER AND DAVE MARTIN Part Three Running time: 24:22 [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Are we dead? DOCTOR: No. SARAH: Are you sure? DOCTOR: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: What happened? DOCTOR: Nothing happened. A sort of un-explosion has taken place. SARAH: Un-explosion? DOCTOR: Yes. SARAH: There's no such thing. WATSON: Doctor, Miss Smith, get out of there. The radiation level in there will be lethal. DOCTOR: Oh no, come on in, Watson. Come on in. There's no radiation at all. Look. WATSON: What? DOCTOR: Look. WATSON: Where's Driscoll? DOCTOR: He's in the core. WATSON: But that would have caused a nuclear explosion. DOCTOR: It did, but fortunately it was absorbed. WATSON: But it couldn't! DOCTOR: Oh, it could, it could, and it did. SARAH: There was a sort of un-explosion. WATSON: Un-explosion? DOCTOR: Yes. Fission took place but instead of the explosion going outwards, it went inwards. WATSON: Driscoll? DOCTOR: Driscoll's in the core, probably vapourised. You see, it's feeding on radiation and it's now in control of the core's potential itself. WATSON: You mean that thing in there is still alive? DOCTOR: Very much so, and regenerating. WATSON: Well, it's beyond me. I mean, to what end? DOCTOR: To live, to grow. You see, instead of energy being created from matter, matter is being created from energy. Eldrad is rebuilding himself, and the probability is he'll strike again. WATSON: You mean other reactors? DOCTOR: Who knows? Might as well put these back. SARAH: Yeah, well, that's not going to stop him. DOCTOR: No, but I like to be tidy. SARAH: Oh. WATSON: It's time we got out of here. Fight fire with fire. I'm going to call in the armed forces. Destroy # that thing before it causes any more harm. SARAH: Well, it's our only chance. DOCTOR: Somehow I can't see throwing missiles against that working. SARAH: It's trying to get out! [SCENE_BREAK] WATSON: Nunton Complex, red alert. That's what I said, red alert. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Come on, Doctor. DOCTOR: No, no, no, wait a minute, Sarah. Maybe we should try and communicate with Eldrad. SARAH: How, use hand signals? WATSON: All right, we've got ten minutes. Air Command have ordered a tactical nuclear strike to take this place out. DOCTOR: Take it out? WATSON: Yeah, level it. And by God they're keen. DOCTOR: Yes, I'm sure they are. WATSON: Well, we're on an isolated part of the coast. It'll give them a chance to use their stand-off missiles. DOCTOR: Yes, but what do we know about it? WATSON: What? DOCTOR: It's intelligent. SARAH: It's destructive! It's killing people. DOCTOR: An alien lifeforce, shipwrecked on a strange planet. Crystalline, regenerates through irradiation. It's probably afraid. SARAH: It's afraid? I'm afraid! Look, that thing isn't friendly. Let's get out before it does. Look, you said we had ten minutes. WATSON: That was half a minute ago. Come on. SARAH: Right. Doctor! DOCTOR: Fascinating. DOCTOR: This is intensely interesting, don't you? Come on, let's get out of here. [SCENE_BREAK] WATSON: Come on, man! Leave that! All right, Jim. [SCENE_BREAK] WATSON: Take cover, everybody! WATSON: Get down, man! WATSON: We'd better take cover. The flash could blind us. Doctor. Doctor, please! Miss Smith, hold your nose and open your mouth. SARAH: What? WATSON: The blast. It could perforate your eardrums. DOCTOR: Any second now. SARAH: Hey, shouldn't something have happened by now? DOCTOR: Yes. WATSON: They fired the missiles. What happened? SARAH: Yeah, what happened? We saw them fired. DOCTOR: They've been neutralised in some way. WATSON: How? DOCTOR: Professor Watson, any being that can live, let alone thrive, inside a nuclear pile, is hardly likely to be deterred by a few primitive missiles. WATSON: But they're the most powerful missiles we have. DOCTOR: On your standards, perhaps. I think we should try much older weapons. SARAH: Like? DOCTOR: Speech. Diplomacy? WATSON: What? DOCTOR: Conversation? Come on, driver, let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] ELDRAD (OOV.): What is this place? Where have I come to? ELDRAD: Can this be the form of the creatures who have found me and who now seek to destroy me? No matter. They shall fail, as the obliteration has failed. Strange form or not, Eldrad lives, and shall again rule Kastria! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Right, you stay here. I'll go on. Shouldn't take long, one way or the other. SARAH: Good. Let's go then. DOCTOR: Not you. You stay with Professor Watson. WATSON: I think you'd better do as he says this time. SARAH: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I should. But I'm not going to! WATSON: No! [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: I worry about you. Look, anyway, who found that thing? DOCTOR: You did. SARAH: Right. So, I'm involved. It could have been me, not Driscoll, and besides, I'm from Earth and you're not. DOCTOR: That's true. SARAH: Exactly. DOCTOR: Yes, but SARAH: Oh, but what? DOCTOR: I worry about you. SARAH: So, be careful. DOCTOR: We'll both be careful. SARAH: Fine. [SCENE_BREAK] ELDRAD: You! Come forward. DOCTOR: Hello. You must be Eldrad. I was only going to say, how do you do. ELDRAD: Are you responsible for this stupid attempt to destroy me? DOCTOR: No. Tell me, how did you prevent the missiles from exploding? ELDRAD: I absorbed the energy of the explosion into myself to complete my regeneration. DOCTOR: I thought so. Didn't I say I thought that was it? I thought ELDRAD: You are not of this backward planet. What are you doing here among these primitives? DOCTOR: Well, I'm here to help them. I'm called the Doctor and this is Sarah Jane Smith. Say hello to the lady. SARAH: Hi. DOCTOR: Eldrad [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR (OOV.): Can I ask you the same question? ELDRAD (OOV.): I am Eldrad, creator of Kastria. [SCENE_BREAK] ELDRAD: Why did you try to destroy me? DOCTOR: You've got it wrong, Eldrad. We're the ones who saved you. ELDRAD: It seems you speak the truth. ELDRAD: Why should they attack me with their primitive devices? DOCTOR: Oh, because they're stubborn and violent and sometimes they try to destroy things they don't understand. [SCENE_BREAK] ELDRAD (OOV.): Then they must be taught otherwise. DOCTOR (OOV.): You wouldn't be the first one to make that mistake. Others have tried. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Excuse me, I don't want to pry, but could you tell us how you got here? SARAH: We found your hand in a quarry. ELDRAD: I was betrayed. They tried to obliterate me. Now I must return to avenge myself. DOCTOR: What? After all this time? ELDRAD: Explain! DOCTOR: Well, you've been on Earth a hundred and fifty million years, and you've lain dormant all that time. SARAH: Leave him alone. He's telling you the truth! ELDRAD: You are a Time Lord. I have heard of you and the role you play in time and space. DOCTOR: You didn't need to do that. I would have told you. ELDRAD: Unfortunately, Doctor, I have learned to trust no one. I need your help. SARAH: Our help? Oh, you must be DOCTOR: Shush. ELDRAD: As a Time Lord, you are pledged to uphold the Laws of Time and to prevent alien aggression. DOCTOR: Only when such aggression is deemed to threaten the indigenous population. I think that's how it goes. ELDRAD: Then you must help me in my struggle. SARAH: Why must he help you? You're destructive. ELDRAD: No, no, let me explain. Kastria was a cold, inhospitable planet, ravaged by the solar winds. I built the spatial barriers to keep out those winds. I devised a crystalline silicone form for our physical needs. I built machines to replenish the earth and the atmosphere. I brought Kastria to life! And then, two alien planets made war on each other, and Kastria became their battleground. They destroyed my barriers. The winds came again to dehydrate the planet. The alien invaders made puppets of the Kastrian leaders. I was discredited and sentenced to obliteration. SARAH: But if you did all those things for your people, why did they turn against you? ELDRAD: My people didn't. I beg you to help me to save Kastria once more. Why do you hesitate? It is your duty. Help me. Take me back through time. DOCTOR: That would contravene the First Law of Time, a distortion of history. I can't do that. ELDRAD: You cannot refuse. DOCTOR: I'm not refusing, Eldrad. I'll take you back, but it must be in the present time. ELDRAD: Silence! ELDRAD: I seem to detect another presence in this building. DOCTOR: I don't think there's anyone else here. SARAH: No, there's no one here. They've all been evacuated. We're the only one's here. Alive, that it. DOCTOR: Do you accept our conditions, Eldrad? ELDRAD: Yes. You leave me no choice. DOCTOR: Good. Well, follow me. SARAH: After you. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: No, Eldrad, leave him! [SCENE_BREAK] ELDRAD: You shall die slowly, as traitors deserve. DOCTOR: Eldrad! Eldrad, I swear to you, if you don't release him, I'll never return you to Kastria. SARAH: He's still breathing. ELDRAD: Come, Doctor. Let us be going. DOCTOR: Listen. You owe your regeneration to this man. Remember that. ELDRAD: Yes, and I am grateful. Leave him alone and I promise you he will recover. DOCTOR: I'm not leaving here until I know he's all right. DOCTOR: Are you all right? WATSON: Yes, yes. DOCTOR: Very well. ELDRAD: You see, Doctor, I am not as cruel as you think me. DOCTOR: Come on, let's go. SARAH: You're sure you're all right? WATSON: Yes, yes, I'm all right. SARAH: I've got to go. You'll be all right. I have to go. WATSON: But I put six shots into that creature. JACKSON (OOV.): Professor Watson? WATSON: Yes? JACKSON (OOV.): Professor Watson? WATSON: Yes, yes. In here, Miss Jackson. JACKSON: What happened? WATSON: Well, it's just that the laws of physics have been. Of course, the Atomic Energy Commission are not going to believe this. JACKSON: What were those planes doing? They were bombing the complex. WATSON: Planes? Yes, of course, the planes. Yes, but the RAF are not going to believe this either. JACKSON: And I saw the Doctor in your car. He nearly ran me over. WATSON: Oh, thank goodness for that, the Doctor. You saw who was with him? JACKSON: Miss Smith? WATSON: But, no one else? JACKSON: No. Well, I couldn't see in the back. JACKSON: You all right, sir? WATSON: It's just that no one is going to believe me. WATSON: Yes? Yes, this is the director speaking. Well, we don't know what's happened yet. Well of course there's going to be an inquiry. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Come in, Eldrad. Welcome to the TARDIS. Well, what do you think? ELDRAD: I congratulate you, Doctor. The achievements of your people in temporal engineering are indeed as impressive as I have heard. DOCTOR: Well, thank you. I'm glad you like it. ELDRAD: Where are its armaments? DOCTOR: They're in here. DOCTOR: Your weapon's won't work in here. We're in a state of temporal grace. We're multi-dimensional. ELDRAD: What do you mean? DOCTOR: Well, in a sense, you see, we don't exist while we're in here. So you can't hurt us, and we can't hurt you. SARAH: She can't hurt us? DOCTOR: No. SARAH: Right. There's a question I can ask you now. Why are you helping her? DOCTOR: Well, in a sense I think you could say I'm helping Earth, Sarah. After all, I can't allow Eldrad to go on smashing nuclear power stations. Who knows how big she might become or what damage she might do. Anyway, I want to see Kastria. SARAH: Why? What on Earth for? DOCTOR: Well, travel broadens the mind. SARAH: And a stitch in time saves nine. DOCTOR: What does that mean? SARAH: Look before you leap. ELDRAD: Will you stop all this childish prattle? Time is passing. DOCTOR: Yes. I wonder, would you just give me a hand with the coordinates? I'm a bit vague on the exact whereabouts of Kastria. ELDRAD: Of course, Doctor. What is the expansion factor? DOCTOR: Oh, just punch up seven four three eight oh oh O W eight I one two one two seven two seven two nine double one E eight E X four one one one three zero nine eleven five, and then see what happens. SARAH: Off course, are we? DOCTOR: No, I don't think so, no. Could I just check your coordinates. ELDRAD: Why, do you doubt my ability? DOCTOR: Oh no, no, no. I just want to make sure we get there. SARAH: So for once you'll have to trust someone, won't you. ELDRAD: Only fools trust. I trusted them, and they tried to obliterate me. DOCTOR: Eldrad, you'll achieve nothing on Kastria unless you overcome this paranoid obsession with treachery. You must cooperate. ELDRAD: Again you leave me no alternative, Doctor. DOCTOR: Oh, don't be so abject. All we want is your cooperation. If you've missed those coordinates, symbolic resonance will occur in the trackoid time crystal, and if that happens, there'll be no chance of us landing anywhere, ever, ever, ever. DOCTOR: We've landed. ELDRAD: You will have to trust me, Doctor. SARAH: Is that Kastria? ELDRAD: It is. SARAH: It's very nice. ELDRAD: The solar winds have devastated it, but I will reclaim it again. DOCTOR: You may have left it a bit late, Eldrad. That hurricane's been blowing for a hundred and fifty million years. ELDRAD: How is the atmosphere constituted? DOCTOR: Near enough Earth normal. ELDRAD: And the radiation count? DOCTOR: A bit high. ELDRAD: It's all I shall need. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Damn it, the aliens have left this planet as good as dead. ELDRAD: Oh no, Doctor. This is as Kastria was before I built the solar barriers. My fellow Kastrians may not have been able to maintain the systems that I devised for them, but there will be survivors, leading miserable existences in the thermal caves deep underground. DOCTOR: But nothing functions. There's no power. I can't see how we can reach these survivors even if they do exist. ELDRAD: Do you think that I would not be prepared for my return? SARAH: That's incredible! Where's the power coming from? ELDRAD: Energy drawn from the core of the planet. DOCTOR: Inexhaustible energy. ELDRAD: Exactly, Doctor. My gift to Kastria. I have come to claim my kingdom. Come, we will descend to the thermal chambers.
Plan: A: Eldrad; Q: Who uses the energy from the reactor to regenerate herself? A: her; Q: What does Eldrad try to force the Doctor and Sarah to take back to Kastria? Summary: Eldrad uses the energy from the reactor to regenerate herself and tries to force the Doctor and Sarah to take her back to Kastria.
DEATH TO THE DALEKS BY: TERRY NATION PART TWO 5:30pm - 5:55pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. EXXILON. SHIP LANDING SITE FIRST DALEK: The Earth creatures are to be exterminated - fire at my command! RICHARD RAILTON: Wait a minute! Wait - you can't! FIRST DALEK: Total extermination - fire, fire, fire! (JILL buries herself in the DOCTOR'S shoulder as the DALEK weapons extend and fire. The DOCTOR closes his eyes, ready to receive the onslaught of the rays...but nothing happens. He opens his eyes.) FIRST DALEK: Maximum power! Fire! Fire! Fire! (The DALEKS fire again but once more with no success.) FIRST DALEK: Weaponry malfunction. SECOND DALEK: Total power failure in armament circuits. (The DOCTOR walks forward towards the nervously twitching DALEKS.) DOCTOR: Well, well, well! Daleks without the power to kill! How does it feel? FIRST DALEK: (Fearfully.) Keep away! Keep away! DOCTOR: (Smiles.) And if I don't - what will you do? Your weapons are totally useless, affected by the same energy blackout that has stranded us. FIRST DALEK: The power failure is temporary. Superior Dalek technology will overcome interference shortly. Meanwhile, you will obey our orders. DOCTOR: You're not in a position to give any orders. No...no, we're all in this together - all equal, all powerless. SECOND DALEK: The Daleks are the supreme beings of the universe. Dalek technology is the ... (RAILTON steps forward, interrupting the rant...) RICHARD RAILTON: Spare us the propaganda! I think our best interests will be served by joining forces. SECOND DALEK: Daleks do not require the co-operation of inferior creatures! RICHARD RAILTON: Think about it - there are four of you and five of us, and this planet is swarming with creatures that want to destroy us. That's a fact that must penetrate even Dalek arrogance. (The DALEKS look at each other.) SECOND DALEK: We will confer. (They glide backwards towards their ship and huddle together in conference. The other party does the same...) DOCTOR: Well...they may agree with your plan, Captain, but I advise you - don't trust them. RICHARD RAILTON: We need all the help we can get. JILL TARRANT: That's true. DAN GALLOWAY: (Cutting.) We don't need the Daleks. There's nothing they can do that we can't do on our own... (He gives a smile that is more like a grimace at RAILTON.) DAN GALLOWAY: ...sir. (RAILTON scowls back at GALLOWAY and his sarcasm.) DOCTOR: They're brilliant technicians. It was their inventive genius that made them one of the greatest powers in the universe - remember that. RICHARD RAILTON: Quite. They might find a way out of this spot. PETER HAMILTON: Well my father was killed in the last Dalek war, sir. I hate the thought of working with them. RICHARD RAILTON: He was one man - ten million will die if we don't get off the planet with the medical supplies. DOCTOR: Well, whatever they're gonna do, I hope they decide quickly. [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. SACRIFICIAL CAVERN (SARAH is held before the fire well in the cavern. The Exxilons sway and chant their prayers. One Exxilon holds a small bowl of steaming liquid. SARAH stares at the blank eyes of the HIGH PRIEST as it joins in the alien chants.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. EXXILON. SHIP LANDING SITE (GALLOWAY examines his bow as HAMILTON sidles up to him.) PETER HAMILTON: What do you think, Dan? DAN GALLOWAY: Mmm? PETER HAMILTON: About this idea - cooperating with Daleks. DAN GALLOWAY: Well, it might work for the while. PETER HAMILTON: I think the Captain's gone soft. DAN GALLOWAY: Oh, he's scared of the wee salt-shakers! I saw his face when they came out of that ship. PETER HAMILTON: Ah, the spokesman's coming back. (The DOCTOR returns from having spoken to the DALEKS.) RICHARD RAILTON: Well, what did they say? DOCTOR: I think they'll go for it. Mind you, they haven't much choice, but I must warn you again - don't you trust them an inch. JILL TARRANT: Did you manage to find out what they're doing here? DOCTOR: Yes, several of the planets the Daleks have colonised are suffering from the same disease. They're dying in millions. Now they need that chemical just as badly as you do - that's why I think they'll cooperate. (A short distance away, the four DALEKS have come to their conclusion between themselves.) SECOND DALEK: It is agreed. THIRD DALEK: We will cooperate until they are no further use to us. FIRST DALEK: And the true reason that we need the chemical parrinium must remain secret. THIRD DALEK: It is understood. FIRST DALEK: They must continue to believe there are only four of us. SECOND DALEK: It is understood. (They turn and glide over to their new allies.) DOCTOR: Well, have you decided? FIRST DALEK: Yes, Doctor. The truce exists between our party and yours. DOCTOR: A very wise decision. SECOND DALEK: The truce ends when power is restored. RICHARD RAILTON: We agree. And now I think we should all go over to the mining dome. FIRST DALEK: Mining dome? JILL TARRANT: We've located a parrinium strata, and set up a dome nearby where we can refine the ore. RICHARD RAILTON: But it's pretty slow work without power. Perhaps you can suggest some quicker technique? SECOND DALEK: Very well. Lead the way - lead! Lead! (RAILTON does so and a smiling DOCTOR gestures to the DALEKS to follow. Three of them glide after RAILTON.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. MSC BASE (The wind whips the flimsy metal foil door of the dome. Within, all the equipment of the MSC crew lies scattered and damaged across the floor. COMMANDER STEWART'S bed lies askew...and is empty.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. EXXILON (RAILTON leads the way back towards the dome with the three DALEKS, the DOCTOR and his crew behind him. The DOCTOR keeps a careful watch on the ridges above them as they enter a gully. Up above, a skeletal Exxilon hand claws at the soil, causing some of it to trickle down the side of the gully. The DOCTOR is looking round at the silent rock walls when he hears this fall. The entire party, DALEKS and all, stops and looks round warily for their near silent enemy. Suddenly RAILTON cries out as an arrow thuds into his back.) DOCTOR: Take cover! (RAILTON struggles to remain on his feet and cries out as he reaches for the arrow...) DALEK: Locate the enemy! Locate the enemy! (...but falls and dies on the ground. One of the DALEKS glides forward.) DALEK: Locate! Locate! Locate! (JILL runs forward to help RAILTON.) DALEK: Locate! Locate! (Spears raised, the Exxilons have come out of hiding and they stand on the ridge of the gully looking down at the diminished group.) DALEK: Locate! Locate! (The others run towards a small ditch for cover beyond which the three DALEKS wait.) DALEK: Locate! Locate! (JILL calls over to them ... ) JILL TARRANT: Help me with him! Help me! (The DOCTOR runs back and feels under RAILTON for a heartbeat.) DOCTOR: Ah, it's no good - we can't help him. JILL TARRANT: But please! We can't leave him here! (Suddenly, several arrows thud into the sandy ground next to them.) DOCTOR: Quick, come on! Out, come on! (He pulls her towards the ditch where GALLOWAY and HAMILTON wait as several more arrows are fired.) DOCTOR: Come on, down here! (To GALLOWAY.) Which way did they come from? DAN GALLOWAY: I don't know. (An arrow thuds into the sandy bank next to them.) DOCTOR: Down! (They duck into the safety of the ditch. A hail of arrows are fired which either deflect harmlessly off the DALEK casings or thud into the sand.) DOCTOR: Well our only chance is that it's a small group...then we might make a break for it. DAN GALLOWAY: Well, I'm next in seniority to the Captain. That puts me in command. DOCTOR: Just a suggestion, that's all. JILL TARRANT: Alright, Commander, give an order to get us out of this. (She points at the top of the gully where more Exxilons suddenly appear. HAMILTON points to the first group.) PETER HAMILTON: Over there! (Behind the trapped group, another Exxilon fires an arrow which thuds into the bank next to the DOCTOR. He turns and sees that with this group behind them, they are surrounded.) DOCTOR: So it was a large group! (Undaunted, GALLOWAY fires an arrow at the Exxilon who had just fired at them. It grunts as it is hit and falls back. This enrages the other Exxilons who start grunting and firing arrow after arrow at the barely sheltered trapped group. They almost bury themselves into the soil as the Exxilons also throw their spears down at them. One of the DALEKS can remain silent no longer.) DALEK: Exterminate! Exterminate! (It fires uselessly at the Exxilons who start to come down the ridge towards it. The DALEK glides forward to meet them in useless combat.) DALEK: Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! (The Exxilons surround the DALEK and start to batter at its casing.) DALEK: Am losing control! Am losing control! Am loo...am loo...! Am losing control! Am losing control! (Smoke starts to pour out of the casing. The Exxilons retreat as the DALEKS voice starts to become garbled.) DALEK: Am loo...am loo...am loo...am loo... (The smoking DALEK suddenly explodes and fire pours out of its casing. The people in the ditch stick their heads above the parapet and watch as the victorious Exxilons grunt in triumph and surround the blazing DALEK casing, almost dancing round it. From one side of the gully, another large group of Exxilons arrive with a captive figure held between them. The group round the DALEK moves off and towards these new arrivals.) DOCTOR: What's going on over there? JILL TARRANT: They've got Commander Stewart. (The wounded man is thrown to the ground. He gasps weakly and calls over to the others...) COMMANDER STEWART: Give yourselves up. PETER HAMILTON: (Sighs.) That settles it for me. Jill? JILL TARRANT: Yes. PETER HAMILTON: What about you, Doctor? DOCTOR: Certainly...when the only alternative to living is dying. Alright, come on. Let's get it over with. (Hands raised in surrender, they climb out of the ditch. GALLOWAY, as dour as ever, watches them go and then throws down his bow and arrow.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. EXXILON. SHIP LANDING SITE (Two DALEKS wait in the doorway of the saucer. One glides out and another glides up to it from among the rocks.) FIRST DALEK: Patrol captured by alien beings. One Dalek destroyed. SECOND DALEK: We will report. (They turn and glide into the ship.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. SACRIFICIAL CAVERN (SARAH'S head is held fast as the HIGH PRIEST waves the smoking bowl under her nostrils. She starts to gasp and her eyes close as she is overcome by the fumes from the bowl. She slumps forward, nearly unconscious and is held upright by two Exxilons as the HIGH PRIEST takes the bowl back to the altar. SARAH is then carried forward to the same place where the PRIEST waves his hands before her glazed eyes. At that moment, the other captives are led in. The DOCTOR, held fast between two Exxilons, takes in the situation at a glance.) DOCTOR: Sarah! What are you doing with her?! (The HIGH PRIEST and the Exxilons at the altar turn and face the new arrivals.) HIGH PRIEST: She has defiled the place of our gods. She is to be sacrificed. (The DOCTOR suddenly chops at his two restraining Exxilons. Free from them, he runs at the altar where he elbows the HIGH PRIEST out of the way and tries to get at SARAH. However, there are two many Exxilons surrounding them and they all make a grab at the DOCTOR pushing him to the ground and pummeling him until he falls unconscious...) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. SACRIFICIAL CAVERN (LATER) (SARAH stands to one side within the wooden cage. She is starting to regain her senses after being under the effects of the Exxilon drug contained within the bowl. Behind her, the DOCTOR lies on a shelf of rock, tended to by JILL. The two DALEKS have been locked in the cage with them. SARAH goes to JILL somewhat unsteadily.) SARAH: Is the Doctor alright? JILL TARRANT: I think so. He's coming round...but are you okay? SARAH: Mmm. Er, they made me inhale...erm, some sort of incense. Well, what happened? JILL TARRANT: Well I'm not too sure myself, but neither of you is very popular. The Doctor attacked their high priest. From what we can gather, that's about the worst crime you can commit on this planet. (COMMANDER STEWART lies on another slab within the cage, looked after by PETER HAMILTON. A scowling GALLOWAY goes up to him and speaks quietly...) DAN GALLOWAY: (Quietly.) Crazy - he must be crazy. He's blown any chance we ever had a making a deal with these savages. PETER HAMILTON: (Quietly.) We hadn't much choice, Dan. A couple of minutes more, that girl would've been dead. DAN GALLOWAY: (Quietly.) So? PETER HAMILTON: (Quietly.) Look, we're all in this together. It could have been me or you. Do you expect everybody else to stand by and let it happen? DAN GALLOWAY: (Quietly.) The point is it wasn't us. We have no loyalties to them. They're not part of our mission. PETER HAMILTON: (Quietly.) So you'll let them die - just like that? DAN GALLOWAY: (Quietly.) I would so. Our job is to get medical relief that'll save the lives of millions. If some people we don't even know have to die in the process, well that's just too bad! (One of the DALEKS glides up to them.) DALEK: We have decided the action we will take. We will offer the Exxilons our knowledge and technology in return for their assistance. DAN GALLOWAY: Well, anything's worth a try. (PETER whispers to GALLOWAY...) PETER HAMILTON: What about those two? Do you think they'll agree to let them go? (...but the DALEK overhears.) DALEK: The Doctor is an old enemy of the Daleks. The girl is unimportant. (It turns and glides up to a watching Exxilon...) DALEK: Guard! I will speak with the high priest. (Across the cage, the DOCTOR is sat up having come round, but his head is in his hands.) JILL TARRANT: I don't know what they're up to, but I don't like it. (The DOCTOR sighs.) DOCTOR: I have a feeling...it might be better if you did not associate yourself too closely with us. I think we're the flies in a jar of very nasty ointment. SARAH: What do you think will happen? DOCTOR: Well...I'm afraid that what they had planned for you has merely been postponed. I think they'll be two of us in the next performance. (Meanwhile, the Exxilon guard comes up to the cage and speaks to the waiting DALEK.) EXXILON: The high priest will speak with you. (The cage door is opened and the DALEK glides out.) JILL TARRANT: (To the DOCTOR.) They may be trying to negotiate a way for all of us to get out of this. DOCTOR: No, that's pure wishful thinking, Jill. No, the Daleks won't give us any loyalty...and I don't expect too much help from your space chums either. [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. DALEK SHIP (Within the DALEK ship, a small model of the TARDIS sits on a ledge. Two DALEKS have been fitted with a rapid-fire mechanical gun and one of them fires shot after shot at the model until it is pulverised.) FIRST DALEK: Target model destroyed. SECOND DALEK: Substitute weaponry functioning satisfactorily. FIRST DALEK: We will proceed immediately. (They glide out of the silent metal chamber.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. EXXILON. SHIP LANDING SITE (Outside the ship, two Exxilons armed with bows and arrows walk along a ledge that overlooks the DALEK ship. The two DALEKS armed with the new guns glide out of the ship. The Exxilons aim their arrows at the creatures who immediately fire back at them. The ricocheting bullets tear through the Exxilons and the rock wall behind them. The creatures scream as one falls off the ledge and the other slumps to the floor.) SECOND DALEK: Primitive weapons moderately efficient. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. SACRIFICIAL CAVERN (Within the cavern, the sacrificial chanting has started again. Two Exxilons enter the cage. They go up to the DOCTOR and silently indicate to him to go with them. He leaves and SARAH is made to follow. The three humans and the DALEKS watch.) PETER HAMILTON: We've got to do something! DAN GALLOWAY: Don't interfere. We've got think of ourselves now and what we came here to do. (The DALEK who had been negotiating with the HIGH PRIEST glides back into the cage.) DALEK: It is agreed. The Exxilons will discuss terms when the sacrifices are completed. You will follow and observe. (It turns on the spot and glides back out of the cage. Somewhat warily, PETER and JILL follow with the SECOND DALEK behind them. GALLOWAY is about to follow when COMMANDER STEWART weakly calls him back...) COMMANDER STEWART: (Whispers.) Galloway... (GALLOWAY turns and leans over the coughing, dying man.) COMMANDER STEWART: (Whispers.) G...Ga...you're not fit to command... DAN GALLOWAY: (Quietly.) I'm doing what's necessary, sir. I'll get that chemical to the peoples of the outer worlds whatever it costs. COMMANDER STEWART: (Whispers.) Ah...not for them, Galloway. F...for yourself. Y...you're a glory seeker. This...this may be the last order that I can give but...I'm appointing Hamilton as... DAN GALLOWAY: (Quietly.) You can't do that. COMMANDER STEWART: (Whispers.) It's already done. It's an order. Pe...Peter'll take command. (STEWART'S head turns and he falls silent. GALLOWAY leans over the man and sees that he has died. He closes his eyes for him.) DAN GALLOWAY: (Quietly.) I'm sorry, Commander...couldn't quite hear what you said. (In the main part of the cavern, the DOCTOR and SARAH are held fast before the fire in the stone well as the bowl of incense is prepared. GALLOWAY comes out of the cage and joins his two colleagues. The HIGH PRIEST carries the bowl towards his two victims. Their heads are held fast in the Exxilon's hands as the bowl is held in front of them. As they struggle against its effects, chaos breaks out in the cavern as the newly armed DALEKS glide in, firing bullet after bullet into the crowd. As the Exxilons cry out in panic and start to fall, the DOCTOR grabs SARAH'S hand and runs with her across the cavern. GALLOWAY shouts out to his two companions...) DAN GALLOWAY: Come on! (...and they run into the shelter of the wooden cage. One of the Exxilons falls against this structure, groaning as it slides down to the ground, clutching the poles in its death throes. The DOCTOR has spotted that there is a tunnel beyond the smoking altar and runs with SARAH up to it. They climb onto the ledge of the altar...) DOCTOR: Right, come on - jump! Jump! [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. TUNNEL BEHIND SACRIFICIAL CAVERN (...and jump down the other side. The DOCTOR helps SARAH to her feet.) DOCTOR: Right, come on. (They run a short way down the tunnel out of sight of the cavern and then stop.) DOCTOR: Stay there. (He runs back and peers round the corner into the cavern. He watches for a moment and then returns.) DOCTOR: The Daleks don't seem to be following us. SARAH: Er, those robot things? Are they locals? DOCTOR: Hardly. They're probably the most technically advanced and ruthless life form in the galaxy. SARAH: But if they're robots, how is it their power's not affected? They can't half move! DOCTOR: Because they're only half-robot, Sarah. Inside each of those shells is a living, bubbling lump of hate! SARAH: You mean they've got legs? DOCTOR: No, they move by psychokinetic power. SARAH: I see. DOCTOR: Do you? SARAH: No! (SARAH still looks befuddled by the incense.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. SACRIFICIAL CAVERN (Within the cavern, the DALEK victory is complete. The two armed DALEKS have taken charge and the Exxilons are being led into the cage where PETER and JILL wait.) SECOND DALEK: All resistance has ceased. (The FIRST DALEK turns to one of its rescued compatriots.) FIRST DALEK: I will speak with the high priest. Bring him to me. THIRD DALEK: I obey. DAN GALLOWAY: (To the FIRST DALEK.) Oh, what do you want to speak to him about? FIRST DALEK: We require the cooperation of the Exxilons. But now they will do so on our terms. DAN GALLOWAY: And if they don't agree? FIRST DALEK: We will select groups of hostages for extermination until they do. DAN GALLOWAY: Aye, that should bring them around to our way of thinking. One of the first things we should do is to make them supply working parties to mine the parrinium... FIRST DALEK: (Interrupts.) Your advice is not required! DAN GALLOWAY: Now wait a minute - we agreed. We're working together. FIRST DALEK: (Angrily.) We are in command! You will obey our orders! [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. TUNNEL (The DOCTOR and SARAH are making their way along the tunnel away from the cavern when a thought strikes SARAH.) SARAH: Doctor! Oh, we were just playing the main part in a sacrificial ceremony, weren't we? DOCTOR: Well that seemed to be the general idea, yes. SARAH: Well how are they going to sacrifice us...just by dumping us down here? DOCTOR: Yes, I knew that thought would occur to you sooner or later. SARAH: You've got an idea, haven't you? DOCTOR: Yes. And it's not one of my favourites. In fact I don't care for it at all. (He moves on and SARAH follows.) SARAH: Well you might as well share it! DOCTOR: Oh, very well. I think they expect that sacrifice to be completed by something else - something that lives down this tunnel. (They move further on. As if on cue, they hear a noise ahead. It sounds like an electronic roar. SARAH'S chin wobbles...) SARAH: Next time you get an idea, keep it to yourself, will you? (The DOCTOR looks at her and she gives him a weak smile. He puts his arm round her and they move on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. SACRIFICIAL CAVERN (The HIGH PRIEST stands before the DALEKS. Still out of the cage, GALLOWAY watches.) FIRST DALEK: It is agreed. You will accompany us. (The HIGH PRIEST nods and leaves the cavern with the DALEKS. PETER and JILL are out of the cage and go up to GALLOWAY.) JILL TARRANT: What's happening? DAN GALLOWAY: Well, it's...practically all agreed. We've done a deal with the Exxilons. PETER HAMILTON: We? DAN GALLOWAY: Well, they'll provide a working force to help us find the parrinium. We'll be in charge of that with two of the Daleks. JILL TARRANT: And the other Daleks? DAN GALLOWAY: Well, they'll investigate the cause of the, er, electrical interference. PETER HAMILTON: And what are the Exxilons getting in return? (GALLOWAY looks guilty and hesitates.) DAN GALLOWAY: Oh, not much. JILL TARRANT: Well tell us? DAN GALLOWAY: Well, apparently the Exxilons have only one enemy - a sort of breakaway group. Well, we've agreed to help wipe them out. PETER HAMILTON: (Appalled.) You've what?! DAN GALLOWAY: In return we get the parrinium we need. We'll save millions of lives. JILL TARRANT: And murder others? You can't accept those terms. DAN GALLOWAY: (Harshly.) The creatures on this planet are primitives - they don't count. PETER HAMILTON: What else have you agreed? DAN GALLOWAY: Aye, well...this is the bit you're not going to like. JILL TARRANT: I haven't liked any of it so far. DAN GALLOWAY: That fellow they call "the Doctor" and the girl...they have to be brought back - dead or alive. (JILL'S jaw drops.) PETER HAMILTON: You're totally ruthless, aren't you, Galloway? DAN GALLOWAY: The Daleks have gone down the tunnel after them - just in case the creatures that live down there don't...get them first. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. TUNNEL (The DOCTOR and SARAH continue down the tunnel. There is another roar but it is clearer, nearer and louder.) SARAH: That sounded awfully close. DOCTOR: Yes, some sort of subterranean wind effect, I should think. (They take one step nearer and stop when there is another roar.) SARAH: Who are you kidding? DOCTOR: Myself, chiefly. [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE TUNNEL (Further back in the tunnel, two of the newly armed DALEKS glide onwards.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. TUNNEL (The DOCTOR and SARAH move on. After they have gone, the arm of a creature comes out from a crack in the rock. Superficially like an Exxilon, it has streaks, like cuts, down its limbs and body which glow like a fire from within. It follows the DOCTOR and SARAH.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. TUNNEL FORK (Further on, the DOCTOR and SARAH walk through a part of the tunnel which is lit by candles on ledges. They reach a point where there are several side tunnels leading off from the main one. They suddenly hear the roar again.) SARAH: I just heard your wind effect...gnashing its teeth. (She gives a quiet nervous laugh and looks at the various side tunnels.) SARAH: Well, which way now? (The DOCTOR looks down the tunnel that leads straight ahead.) DOCTOR: I think I'll make a short reconnaissance down this tunnel here - alone. SARAH: (Scared.) Alone? (The DOCTOR comes back to her.) DOCTOR: Look, Sarah, I don't want anything creeping down behind me and blocking off my retreat, now do I? With you here on watch you can give me a warning. SARAH: Well...well who's gonna warn me? DOCTOR: You're in a perfectly safe place here. You've got three different ways to run. SARAH: (Sighs.) Oh! (He looks down his chosen tunnel.) DOCTOR: I think I'll just go down it for about half a mile. If it holds any promise, I'll be right back - alright? SARAH: (Tuts.) Suppose so. (She manages a smile.) SARAH: Good luck, Doctor. DOCTOR: Thank you. (He sets off. SARAH watches him go and sighs. She looks nervously round but sees nothing to cause alarm. Turning back to face the tunnel that the DOCTOR has walked down, she fails to see the arm of the creature that is following them crawl round a corner of the rock tunnel.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE TUNNEL (The two pursuing DALEKS glide on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. TUNNEL FORK (Still waiting, SARAH hears a noise behind her. She calls quietly into the darkness...) SARAH: Somebody there? (Receiving no answer, she goes back to waiting near the DOCTOR'S tunnel. She suddenly turns round and gasps in fright...) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. SIDE TUNNEL (The DOCTOR makes his way down his chosen tunnel. Suddenly he stops. Something lies on the floor of the tunnel in front of him. Metallic and long, it winds like a gigantic snake into the distance. Its head lifts off the floor of the tunnel and a glowing light appears on the front. It roars at the DOCTOR as it rears up...)
Plan: A: the Daleks; Q: Who does the Doctor join forces with to mine the parrinium? A: attack; Q: What does the Doctor and the MSC crew come under from the Exxilons? Summary: The Doctor and the MSC crew join forces with the Daleks to mine the parrinium, only to come under attack from the Exxilons.
[Scene: Snowy Mountains. Piper and a guy are there. The guy is holding skies.] Guy: Come on, let's go skiing. Piper: Ah, I want to but... Guy: But what? What's holding you back? Baby's Voice: Mama, mama. Piper: Wyatt? Guy: He must be pretty special, for you to give up everything. (The guy vanishes.) Baby's Voice: Mama. [Cut to the manor. Piper's room. Piper is asleep on the bed. The baby monitor is sitting beside her. Wyatt screams. Piper wakes up and quickly gets up.] Piper: Wyatt? [Cut to Wyatt's room. A demon stands over Wyatt's crib holding a wand-like object above him. Wyatt's protective shield is up.] Piper: Wyatt. (The demon turns around and raises his arms. He drops the wand and it disappears. Piper runs in and blows up the demon. Wyatt's shield goes down. Piper goes over to Wyatt.) Hey. It's okay. (She picks him up.) It's okay, it's okay. [Cut to a cave. A dozen robed men are standing around chanting. A bright light with an image of Wyatt is in the centre of the room.] Head Demon: At last, we have found you. Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Wyatt's room. Piper is sitting there with Wyatt on her lap. She gets up and puts him in his crib. She looks over at a picture of herself, Leo and Wyatt.] [Cut to downstairs. Foyer. Phoebe and Paige walk in carrying shopping bags.] Phoebe: I think she's upstairs. Paige: Ahh, I got a neck spasm. Phoebe: Don't drop the bags, she'll hear you. Paige: Thanks for your concern. (Darryl and Sheila walk in after them.) Sheila: Are you okay? Paige: Yeah, sometimes it flairs up under stress. Darryl: Yeah, you got enough stress in your life, that's for damn sure. (They walk into the dining room and put the bags on the table.) Sheila: What you guys do, I'm surprised it doesn't flair up all the time. Paige: It's not the demons, it's this birthday stuff, especially Piper's. I always screw up the surprise. Darryl: I'll take these to the kitchen. Paige: Oh, thanks. (Darryl grabs a bag and goes into the kitchen.) Plus, I have no idea what I'm gonna get her and obviously time is running out. Phoebe: Paige, I told you, you can come in on the dinner with me, I don't mind. Paige: I appreciate that, but I don't want to jump on your bandwagon. I wanna do my own thing. Sheila: Well, being a mum, I can tell you that a nice normal dinner with friends and family is the perfect gift. Especially since you guys don't live here anymore. Phoebe: No, the perfect gift actually doesn't exist anymore. Paige: Do tell. (Darryl walks in.) Darryl: Hey, do these go? Paige: Ah, no, grab those two. Phoebe: The charm bracelet that mum gave Piper and Piper loved it but then Prue lost it. Paige: Why don't we just cast a... Phoebe: A lost and found spell? I tried it, it didn't work. Sheila: Is Jason coming to the party? Phoebe: No, he's in some far away land, like Zimbabwe or something. Sheila: It must be fun you guys travelling around the world together. Phoebe: Yeah, it's-it's nice. I just, I really miss home. I'm happy to be here right now. Darryl: What about your beau? Is he coming? Paige: Richard? No, he's kind of got a bit of a problem with magic. Or it has a problem with him. Darryl: He doesn't like it? Paige: No, magic just doesn't like him. It's a long story. Sheila: So it's just us then? Darryl: What about Leo? Phoebe: Yeah, we kind of thought that that was inappropriate. (They hear footsteps upstairs.) That's her. Out, out. Hurry. Darryl: We'll see you tomorrow then. (Darryl and Sheila rush out the door.) Phoebe: Paige, the groceries. (Paige grabs the bags and orbs out. Piper comes down the stairs.) Hey. Piper: Hey, how's that surprise party going? [Cut to the kitchen. Paige is stuffing the bags into a cupboard. Piper walks in with Phoebe racing after her.] Phoebe: Wh-What do you mean, surprise party? There's no surprise party. Piper: Just do me a favour and don't invite Greg. Or any other guys for that matter, because I'm done with them. Paige: I'm sorry? Piper: It's kind of an epiphany I had, um, right after I vanquished a demon in Wyatt's room. Phoebe: Wait, excuse me? Piper: You know, an epiphany, a revelation. Phoebe: No, I know about the epiphany. What do you mean a demon? Paige: Okay, why didn't you call us? Piper: Well, I didn't want to bother you. It's no big deal, I blew him up, he's gone. Paige: Okay, do you know every time you say that, they come back with a vengeance? Phoebe: Kiss of death. Piper: It doesn't matter because I'm on it full time now. I'm actually thinking of selling the club, 'cause I have a new mission in life and it's all become very clear to me. Paige: Would you care to elaborate? Piper: Do you guys know that Wyatt called me mama? Phoebe: He did? Oh, his first word. Piper: Right after he was attacked. I don't think I'm gonna be putting that in his baby book. (Piper leaves the kitchen. Phoebe and Paige follow.) Paige: Back to giving up guys. Piper: It's kind of freeing, actually, you know, not having to play the dating game. It was just a big waste of time for me anyway. I mean, I gave it my best shot, I did. But it just didn't work out for me. (They head for the front door.) Paige: Okay, that is completely ridiculous. You've been single for six months. Piper: No, that's fate, it's my fate, and I accept it. Apparently you only get one soul mate in a life time, so I guess Leo was mine. And now I'm ready to devote my life to protecting and raising Wyatt. (Piper opens the front door.) Phoebe: What about s*x? (Piper gets the mail out of the letter box and walks back inside.) Piper: Well, you know, I'm the mother of one of the most magical creatures ever. s*x rather pales in comparison, don't you think? (Piper leaves the room.) Paige: She doesn't need a party, she needs an intervention. [Scene: Cave. The robed demons are standing around a glowing image of Wyatt.] Head Demon: He led us long ago, and once he returns, he will lead us again and we'll reward you for your unwavering fate. (The demons chant. A demon steps forward and takes a wand from the head demon.) Help us to cleanse him of the poison that has corrupted him. Turn him that he might lower his guard so that we may return him to the fold, to his destiny. (The demon holds up the wand and a pink beam of light shines into Wyatt's eyes. The demon reaches into the image and the demon catches on fire. He screams and is vanquished. The wand drops to the floor.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Paige is there, making a potion. Phoebe walks in.] Phoebe: Okay, Piper couldn't find the demon in the book. Any luck up here? Paige: Uh, actually, I'm working on something else. Phoebe: A vanquishing potion? Paige: No. A birthday present. Phoebe: A birthday present. Paige, you're not going to be able to find the charm bracelet. Paige: Trust me, this will be even better. The perfect gift. Phoebe: Okay, what are you talking about? Paige: I figured Piper has no love in her life right now, so I think she needs a little love back in her life. Phoebe: Okay, so you're making a love potion? Paige: No, I'm making a love machine. I am making the perfect man. Phoebe: Are you kidding me? Are you out of your mind? Paige: No. I don't think I am. Listen, we've conjured magical beings before, so, you know, hey, what's the big deal? Phoebe: The big deal is they always come back to bite us in the ass. Paige: No-no-no-no. This one won't. He's just be around for her birthday from midnight to midnight. Phoebe: Paige, we can't just conjure up a a s*x toy. Paige: Listen, I figure magic owes Piper. It has taken away the love of her life, and now it's threatening to take away love from the rest of her life. Look, I get Wyatt is super important, I do get that. But I think this could be for the greater good. Phoebe: Mm-hm. Paige: Okay, let's write down some qualities. Phoebe: Qualities, what do you mean qualities? Paige: You know, qualities for the perfect man. Phoebe: Oh. Okay, well, I think she would want someone that, um, lives near by and, you know, doesn't travel a lot. Paige: Yeah, well, I would write down something about somebody who I could do magic in front of but these are you qualities you and I would want, not qualities that Piper would necessarily want. Phoebe: Right, okay, um. I think she wants, you know, a strong man but someone that's not afraid to show his sensitive side. Paige: Sensitive but not a wuss bag. (Paige writes that down on a piece of paper and throws it in the potion.) Phoebe: And someone that is a good listener. Paige: Okay, good cook.. Phoebe: Handy around the house. Paige: Good with kids. Phoebe: Gets the whole normal life thing. Paige: Has a really big... Phoebe: Paige. Paige: Uh, is this the perfect guy or what? Phoebe: Alright, throw it in. [Cut to Piper's room. Piper and Chris are there. Piper is flipping through the Book of Shadows.] Chris: How am I supposed to protect Wyatt if you don't tell me when a demon attacks until hours later? Piper: Because, Chris, I'm taking care of it. Chris: That's fine, but what happens if this demon was the one? The one who was after Wyatt. The reason why I came back. Piper: Well, then you're in luck because I blew him up. Not to mention, how many demons have you said that about so far? Chris: Piper, I've just got Wyatt's best interest in mind. Piper: So do I. Demon's not in here. Chris: Well, what's it look like? Piper: Tall, robed with a metal rod thingy. Chris: Really? Well, that narrows it down. Piper: If another one shows up I'll be here. Chris: That's just my point, Piper, what if you're not here? What happens if you have a date with the fireman or whoever else you're seeing this week? Piper: Look, Chris, I don't want to go into it. But I'm not gonna be out on a date with the fireman or anybody else for that matter, anytime soon, so that I can focus more on Wyatt. Chris: What? Piper: Did I stutter? Chris: Piper, you can't give up on love. Ever. Piper: Why not? Chris: Because you just can't, that's why. It's not natural. Look, all I'm saying is you don't have to make that type of sacrifice to protect Wyatt. That's why I'm here. Piper: Well, you weren't here earlier, were you? (Piper leaves the room and walks down the hallway. Chris follows.) Look, the only thing that matters right now is what's best for Wyatt. Chris: This is not what's best for Wyatt, Piper. Piper: How do you know? Chris: Because I've seen the future and this isn't supposed to happen. Piper: So what is supposed to happen? Chris: Come on, you know I can't answer that. Piper: Well, since you're sent from the future to change it, maybe this is one of the things that needs to be changed. Chris: No, it's not. (Piper goes into Wyatt's room. Chris follows.) Believe me, it's not. Piper: Shh. (Piper sees a present on the dresser.) Who left this? Chris: Look, if you're so concerned about protecting Wyatt, there's other ways to go about doing it, you know. (Piper opens the card in the present.) Piper: Like what? Chris: Like letting Leo take him up there for a while. (Chris moves near the crib and Wyatt puts up his protective shield.) You could always bind his powers. Piper: Leo left me a birthday present. How sweet. Chris: Will you think about what I said? Piper: About what? Chris: About binding Wyatt's powers. Piper: No way. Chris: Why not? Nobody would ever be after him and you'd have your life back. Piper: But that would be selfish of me, wouldn't it? Put my needs before his destiny. I'm not being a martyr, Chris, I'm not. I just get it now. I'm the mother of a very special child that if I do my job right, his gonna grow up to do very special things. What could possibly be more important than that? (Wyatt stirs and whimpers.) Sweetie, go back to sleep. I will be right back. [Cut to the attic. Phoebe and Paige are finishing up the potion. It explodes.] Phoebe: Okay, I can't think of anything else. Paige: One more thing. (Paige picks up a bottle.) Magical pheromones. Phoebe: Magical pheromones? Paige: Yeah, see, it's just one thing to give him an extra shot, to help Piper be a little more receptive since he's only got a day. Phoebe: I hope we're doing the right thing, I hope this doesn't backfire, you know. Paige: I don't think it will. If this were a date, honey, this would be the martini. (Paige throws in some pheromones.) Phoebe: Okay. Phoebe, Paige: "A perfect man we summon now, another way we don't know how, to make our sister see the light, some where out there is mister right." (Magical lights rise out of the potion and floats to the centre of the room. A naked man appears and turns to face Phoebe and Paige.) Man: Hello. Phoebe, Paige: Perfect. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Phoebe, Paige and the man are there. The man is carrying a tray. They walk out of the kitchen.] Paige: Okay, so, remember she's gonna freak. Phoebe: Big time. Paige: So you just get as close as you can to her... Phoebe: Yeah, really, really, really close. Paige: And you just let those pheromones do their magic. Phoebe: So you can do your magic. (They reach the bottom of the stairs.) Man: Ladies, ladies, please. You created me to know exactly what Piper wants. Don't worry. (The man walks upstairs.) Paige: I have a question for you. Since when is Piper into hot Latin types? Phoebe: Since I put in the hot Latin type ingredient. Paige: Oh, Phoebe. Phoebe: What? Are you complaining? [Cut to Piper's room. Piper is asleep in bed. The man walks in.] Man: Happy birthday, Piper. (Piper sits up quickly and gasps.) Eggs benedict, easy yolk. Steamed asparagus, fresh fruit, orange juice, no pulp. How do I do? Piper: Phoebe! Paige! (Phoebe and Paige come around the corner.) Phoebe: Yeah? Piper: Wh-What's going on? Who is this? Paige: Well, uh, this is your birthday present. From me. Although, you know, Phoebe helped. Piper: The breakfast? Paige: No, the muchacho. (Piper laughs and gets out of bed.) Piper: You, you, you hired a guy for my birthday? (Piper puts on her dressing gown.) Phoebe: No, we would never hire a guy for your birthday. Paige: We made him. Magically. Phoebe: Ah, you know what? This is Paige's present for you. Mine's the surprise birthday party. Man: I know you're pretty mad, aren't you? (Piper leaves the room.) Paige: Traitor. Phoebe: I knew we should've used more pheromones. (Phoebe runs after Piper.) Paige: Hey, you. Come with us. [Cut to the stairs. Piper is walking down them with Phoebe following.] Phoebe: Piper, wait. Piper: No, not until you send him back to wherever the hell you conjured him from. (Paige and the man walk down the stairs.) Paige: We can't, not until your birthday's over. Phoebe: Yeah, so why not take advantage of him while you can. I mean, figuratively speaking of course. Paige: Ah, hell, literally. It is your birthday. Piper: I can't believe you guys did this. Did you not hear me yesterday? Phoebe: No, we did, loud and clear. Paige: No, we just wanted you to change your mind. Piper: So you whipped up a magical gigolo? Paige: Oh, criminy, just give him a chance. Phoebe: How could you resist him? Did you look at him? Piper: This is like something we would do years ago before we knew better, but now we do know better, at least we're supposed to. Paige: You know what? Desperate times call for desperate measures. (Paige pushes the man into Piper. Piper nearly falls back but he catches her.) Man: I'm sorry. Are you alright? Piper: Yeah, no, I'm pissed, remember? Are you wearing cologne? Man: No. You don't like cologne. Piper: No, I don't, do I? Phoebe: But what does she like? Man: Well, she likes long walks on the beach, shopping at the embarcadero, lunching at Zuni, deep tissue massages. Piper: Well, that, yeah, that sounds great, but... Man: So what are we waiting for? Piper: No, I can't, 'cause, uh, the demon. Phoebe: We'll take care of the demon, it's done. Piper: Well, what about Wyatt? I can't just leave him. Man: Can't we take him with us? Maybe go to the fair. Or perhaps, the zoo. Piper: I'll get dressed. Man: I'll get him. Unless you don't want me to. Piper: No, no, you can get him. Man: Okay. Excuse me, girls. (He walks up the stairs.) Phoebe: Bye. Paige: Cool your jets, lady, it's for Piper. Phoebe: Right. Stay on target. Paige: Yeah. [Scene: Golden Gate Bridge. Chris is standing on the very top of it. Leo orbs in beside him.] Chris: Uh, finally, I've been calling you for hours, man. Where have you been? Leo: What's up? Chris: What's up? Your son was attacked yesterday. Leo: What? Chris: Don't worry, he's fine, Piper vanquished the demon. Leo: Who was he? Chris: That's the problem, he's not in the book. Leo: Well, we have to figure out who he is in case there's another attempt. Chris: On that point I have a radical suggestion, a way of protecting Wyatt from any and all future attempts. Leo: I'm listening. Chris: We get the sisters to bind Wyatt's powers. Leo: No way. Chris: Come on, Leo, binding Wyatt's powers solves all our problems, believe me. Leo: No. Wyatt wasn't brought into this world to be bound, I can't condone that. Unless there's something you're not telling me. Alright, then we need to figure out who's after Wyatt. Chris: Okay. How? Leo: Right here. Above the din of the city. It's why I come up here. Just close your eyes, rely on your inner senses. Listen to the wind. [Scene: Cave. The robed men are there. Another robed demon is vanquished by the image of Wyatt. The wand drops to the ground and the head demon picks it up.] Head Demon: We're running out of volunteers. Demon: If we can't turn the model, if we can't get it to lower its guard, we won't be able to turn the child either. Head Demon: I find your lack of faith disturbing. Demon: It's because of my faith that I raise the concern, your eminence. The acolytes grow restless, the search has been long. Without reassurance that he can be converted, their evil may splinter off, scatter. Head Demon: What do you suggest? Demon: Another encounter with the child. To read his mind again to better see how his morals have been twisted. I offer myself to the cause. Head Demon: Your sacrifice will be rewarded. But the witches will be better prepared this time, which means you will have to go in as somebody they know, trust. (He moves towards the image of Wyatt and holds out his hand. The image changes to several different people and then to Darryl.) Him. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Phoebe is there talking on the phone. Paige walks in holding a box of crystals.] Phoebe: Fly to New York right now, Jason? Oh, you're so cute, I would love to but... Paige: But she's busy setting a demonic alarm system. (Phoebe laughs.) Phoebe: No, she said we're busy watching a mechanic set up an alarm system. You know us girls, can never be too careful. (They walk into the conservatory. Paige puts down a crystal and it glows.) Baby, can I call you back later? Okay, I love you too. Bye. (She hangs up.) Cute, very cute. Paige: Just trying to help. Phoebe: What, are you trying to blow my secret? Paige: Well, you said yourself you're gonna have to tell him sooner or later. (Paige puts down another crystal.) Phoebe: Yeah, but I want to be the one to tell him, not AT&T. Hey, why are you in such a good mood? Paige: Well, it's nice to practice magic without feeling guilty. I guess we all have guy problems, right? (Paige puts down another crystal. Leo and Chris orb in.) Leo: Where's Piper? Phoebe: Uh, she's out. Why? Chris: Because we know who attacked Wyatt and we think they're gonna attack again. Paige: Who? Leo: A demonic cult called the Order. They used to be the most powerful force until their leader was vanquished. Chris: And guess what. (Chris picks up a rattle.) They think he's been reincarnated. Paige: Wyatt? Leo: He's young enough to be turned evil. Especially by them. Where is Wyatt? Is he with Piper? (They hear the front door open.) Piper: Anybody home? A little help here. [Cut to the foyer. Piper is there wearing a balloon hat, holding shopping bags and a bunch of flowers. Phoebe, Paige, Leo and Chris walk in.] Paige: Where have you been? Piper: Well, everywhere, actually. First we went shopping and then we went for a boat ride and then we had a picnic in a park, and then we stopped at the fair. (She puts the stuff down and takes off the balloon hat.) Chris: Piper? Piper: Huh. Chris: Where's Wyatt? Piper: Oh, he's coming. (The guy pushes Wyatt in his stroller through the front door. Wyatt has his face painted.) Man: "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands." Hello. Leo: Who are you? Phoebe: Uh, he's, he's, you know, just a date. (Leo and Chris look at Piper.) Paige: A guy. Piper: You know, you don't have a name yet, do you? Chris: What does that mean, he doesn't have a name? Man: Why not call me David. You've always liked that name, no? Piper: No. I mean, yes. Isn't he perfect? (Phoebe and Paige sigh.) Leo: What the hell's going on here? David: You don't have to feel threatened by me, Leo. No one will ever replace you in Wyatt's eyes. And Piper wouldn't want anyone to. Leo: Phoebe. Phoebe: Yeah, okay, why don't you guys put Wyatt down for a nap, I'm sure he's really tired from all this excitement. Come on. David: Okay. "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands." (David pushes Wyatt towards the stairs. Piper follows.) Paige: And don't forget to turn off the demonic alarm system, you know, in case the baby mistakes him for a demon. (She looks at Leo and Chris.) Alright, fine, so I made him out of my own little brew. Leo: You what? Phoebe: Piper was gonna give up on love, on her birthday nonetheless. Chris: So you conjured a man? Paige: No, not just a man, the perfect man. See, he's somebody who knows exactly what she wants and he's just gonna be here long enough to strain her out. Phoebe: Twenty-four hours, that's it.. That's great, right? Paige: Yeah, not even twenty-four, really eight and then sadly he goes poof. Phoebe: Yeah. You don't want her to live life without love, do you Leo? Leo: We'll talk about this later after we deal with the Order. Phoebe: Okay. (Darryl walks in through the front door.) Darryl: Is this a bad time? I just wanted to drop this off. (He holds up a tube.) Paige: Darryl, why didn't you just wait till dinner? Darryl: Dinner. Actually, this is for Wyatt so he has a little something to open up too. Phoebe: Oh, that's so sweet. (Phoebe goes over to Darryl and takes the tube off of him.) Darryl: Ah, Sheila's idea, actually. You mind if I give it to him? (He takes it back off Phoebe.) Phoebe: Oh, sure, yeah, they're upstairs. Darryl: Thanks. (Darryl heads for the stairs.) Chris: Don't you think maybe we should cancel the dinner party? Paige: No. [Cut to upstairs. Darryl walks down the hallway. He spots a crystal on the floor for the security alarm. He walks into Wyatt's room and spots two more crystals on the window sill.] David: Shhh. Darryl, right? Darryl: Right. How's it going? (Piper walks in.) Piper: Hi, what are you doing here? Darryl: Oh, just brought the little guy a present. Piper: Oh, that's really sweet but we just put him down for a nap. Darryl: I'll sneak it in so he can see it when he wakes up. He'll never know I was here. Piper: Okay. Shh. Darryl: No problem. (Piper and David leave the room. Darryl walks over to the crib and Wyatt's shield appears. Darryl shape shifts into the robed demon. He opens the tube and pulls out the wand. He turns off the baby monitor.) [Cut to downstairs. Phoebe, Paige, Leo and Chris are standing at the bottom of the stairs. Piper and David walk down the stairs.] Piper: What's up? Phoebe: We need to talk. Wyatt may be in danger. (The baby monitor Piper is holding crackles.) Chris: Why is it doing that? (Piper and Leo run up the stairs.) Leo: (to David) You stay here. [Cut to Wyatt's room. The robed demon is holding the wand over Wyatt. A light is pouring out of the wand. Piper runs in. The robed demon drops the wand and it vanishes. Piper blows up the demon. Wyatt cries. Piper rushes over to him. Leo runs in followed by Phoebe, Paige and Chris.] Leo: Is he okay? Piper: You're okay, you're okay. (Piper picks Wyatt up.) Paige: Did he hurt him? Piper: No, I think he's okay. [Scene: Cave. The wand appears in the Head demon's hand.] Robed Demon: Success. Head Demon: We shall see. (He points the wand at the image of Wyatt and a light beam shines into his eyes. The demon reaches into the image.) He's ready to come home. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Phoebe, Paige and Chris are sitting there. Leo orbs in.] Phoebe: Darryl? Leo: He's okay. He said they didn't go anywhere near him. Phoebe: Oh, thank god. Paige: My question is how did they even know to impersonate him? Leo: Well, they must have been watching you. See who he trusted and let near him. Phoebe: That's really creepy. Chris: It's gonna get a lot creepier if we don't stop them from getting to Wyatt. (Piper, holding Wyatt, and David walk down the stairs.) Piper: We might have a thought about that. Leo: We? Piper: Yeah, well, we've been talking and I think we need to give Chris's idea another chance. Phoebe: What idea? Piper: About binding Wyatt's powers. Phoebe, Paige: What? (Piper sits down with Wyatt.) Piper: Well, I'm just saying we should consider it. I mean, if you think about it, it makes sense. Leo: You can't be serious. David: Actually, she's never been more serious. Leo: Excuse me, I was talking to her. Paige: This doesn't sound like you, Piper. David: Doesn't it? Piper wants to protect her son. She wants a normal life. This way she can have both. Chris: Hey, that was my argument. David: Well, that's a good one. Phoebe: No, that's not a good one. That's a bad one, a very, very bad one. One that's been discussed and discarded already. Piper: Yeah, but that was before a demonic cult started targeting him. Chris: I mean, this could be... Paige: Oh, what? Just another big bad evil thing that's coming after him? Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got it. Leo: It still isn't a good enough reason. David: Piper, thinks it is. Phoebe: Hey, buddy, don't forget who made you. Chris: That's right, you did make him, didn't you? Phoebe: Piper, I don't understand. Yesterday you were willing to give up everything for Wyatt's future. Why this now? Piper: Well, you should know. You're the one that, um, showed me what I really wanted and really need. Paige: She's got us there. Phoebe: Yeah, well, it doesn't matter because it's gonna take the power of three to bind someone as powerful as Wyatt and I'm not gonna support it. Paige: Neither am I. Piper: Well, then we have a problem because I am. Chris: Alright, why don't we all just take a deep breath, okay? Leo, why don't you orb Wyatt up there until we figure this thing out. Leo: Gladly. (to David) Do you mind? David: Oh, please. (Leo goes over and picks Wyatt up. He orbs out with him.) Chris: Alright, and why don't we, David, right? David: David. Chris: Why don't you come with me and let the girls talk alone for a minute. (Chris and David leave the room.) [Cut to the attic. Chris and David walk in.] Chris: So you've got quiet an influence on Piper, don't you? David: Well, I just reflect what she wants. Chris: Interested. So, what, they just wrote down what she wanted and that was that? David: I don't know. I guess. Chris: Huh. Let's see. (Chris writes something down on a piece of paper and throws it into the potion. David glows for a second.) David: What were witches talking about? Chris: Uh, Paige, and what she looks for in men. David: Paige. She wants a man who she can openly practice magic around. One she won't feel suppressed by. Chris: Good, very good. And what about Phoebe? (He writes something else down and throws it in the potion.) David: Phoebe. She wants the same thing. Plus, she wants him to be available to live near her heart, that's what she wants. Chris: This potion packs a hell of a punch, doesn't it? Of course, in order for them to be with the perfect man, is if they're happy with each other first. (He writes something else down.) And the only way they can be happy with each other first is agreeing to bind Wyatt's powers. (He throws the paper into the potion. David glows.) Pheromones. Ah, what the hell. (Chris pours in some pheromones.) [Cut to the dining room. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there.] Piper: This is my son we're talking about. Phoebe: Piper, you're not listening to reason. Piper: Phoebe, his life is in jeopardy and binding his powers may be the only way to save him. Phoebe: That's all that saved him. Paige, please help me. Paige: Well, I think that... ow. (David walks in.) David: Oh, here, allow me. (David starts massaging Paige's shoulders.) Just relax, okay? You keep all the tention in your shoulders. Paige: You're right. I love your cologne. Piper: Hey, that's my birthday present. David: All day and all night. (Chris walks in.) Phoebe: Hey, what's going on? I thought you were gonna keep him occupied. Chris: I was, but then I figured I had to break the impasse between you three, so. Phoebe: Really? How? Chris: Uh... (Chris pulls David away from Paige.) Paige: Hey. (David stands behind Phoebe and starts massaging her neck.) Phoebe: Oh. David: Don't worry, I'm hear for you, Phoebe. Not off taking care of business in some far away land. Phoebe: Yeah, I like the sound of that. Chris: So what do we think about binding Wyatt's powers? (The front door opens and Darryl and Sheila walk in carrying presents.) Darryl: Knock, knock. Sheila: Surprise! (Darryl picks up a crystal sitting near the front door.) Darryl: Do you guys need this? I found it by the door. (Phoebe gets up.) Phoebe: Yes, we need it by the door. (She takes the crystal off of Darryl.) Don't touch our crystals. Paige: At least we know it's really Darryl. (Phoebe puts the crystal back in front of the door. David stands behind Piper and starts massaging her shoulders.) Darryl: Hey. Sheila: Ah, and who's he? Piper: Oh, ah, this is David. David: Hi. Chris: Actually, guys, the dinner's been cancelled. Sorry. David: Why? The girls still want to party, don't you? Paige: Yeah! Phoebe: Woo hoo! Chris: But the dinner hasn't been made. Paige: Oh, I can fix that. "On Piper's day set this table, with all the favours you're able." (Food and plates appear on the table, along with champagne glasses, candles and a cake. Decorations appear on the ceiling above.) Ah, not bad, huh? Chris: No, no, this isn't right, this isn't what they want. David: Hey, if it makes them happy, it's what they want. Come on, have a seat. Chris: What about Wyatt? Anyone? (Everyone sits down.) [Cut to Wyatt's room. Three Order demons shimmer in. They see Wyatt's empty crib.] Order Demon: The child, he's gone. Order Demon #2: Can you sense him? Head Demon: No, but they won't keep him away for long. We'll wait. (The demons vanish into the wall.) [Cut to the dining room. Everyone is eating.] Sheila: So, how long have you known the girls? David: Fourteen, fifteen hours, I guess. Darryl: Did you say hours? David: Mm-hm. Paige: Oh, yeah, I made him. Magically. Phoebe: Actually, we both made him. Piper: For my birthday. Darryl: Hell of a gift. Phoebe: Yeah, we just wanted to remind Piper the importance of love. Sheila: Love? David: Spiritual, emotional, deep in your heart love. The kind you should never ever stop searching for, Piper. Piper: I know, you're right, I know. David: You're going to have it too. I promise... your normal life. Phoebe: Psst. (David turns to Phoebe. In her eyes he's wearing a suit.) What about me? David: You shouldn't have to hide your secret anymore. I understand you. Phoebe: I know you do. Paige: What about my dinner? (He turns to Paige and in her eyes he's wearing a leather jacket.) David: Magical, Paige. Just the way I like it. (He eats a pea.) Mmm. Paige: They're really good peas. Chris: Excuse me. Wyatt, anyone? David: Later. (David takes Paige's hand and she sits on his lap.) Darryl: (to Chris) Is this some kind of demonic thing? Chris: No, it's some sort of messed up thing. Sheila: Maybe we should go. Chris: Good idea. (Darryl and Sheila get up.) Piper: Hey, y'all need to make your own present. Hey. (She pulls Paige off of David.) Off of the lap! (Paige grabs a handful of food and throws it at Piper. Piper stands up. Paige grabs the birthday cake and throws it at Piper. Piper freezes it in mid-air.) Oh, I see. We're gonna play with cake now. (Piper grabs the cake out of the air and throws it towards Paige.) Paige: Cake! (The cake orbs out and orbs back in heading straight for Phoebe. It hits her right in the face. Piper laughs.) David: Girls, girls! Come on, there's plenty of me to go around. (The girls start throwing food at each other.) Darryl: Thanks for dinner. Sheila: Happy birthday. (Darryl and Sheila leave.) Chris: (to David) How the hell are you making that happen? Now they're fighting! Get them to bind Wyatt's powers now! [Cut to the attic. Piper, Phoebe, Paige, Chris and David walk in.] Phoebe: Are you sure about this? David: What you want more than anything is to get along. And this will help you do that. Paige: Um, I'm pretty sure what we want more than anything is, um, a good dry cleaner. Chris: Leo! (Leo orbs in with Wyatt. He puts him in the playpen.) Leo: What happened? Chris: You don't wanna know. Piper: We're binding Wyatt's powers. Leo: What? (The three Order demons appear.) Piper: We already decided. Leo: You can't be serious. (The head demon shines the wand in Wyatt's eyes. Wyatt's eyes glow and his shield pops up. The shield hits Leo which sends him flying across the room, knocking over the girls and Chris. The Order demons walk into the shield.) Order Demon: He's one of us now. (They shimmer out with Wyatt.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are moving towards Chris.] Chris: Listen to me, what are you doing? Phoebe: The pheromones wore off. Piper: Right after they took my son. Chris: You don't seriously believe this is my fault, do you? Paige: Oh, right, so it's just a big coincidence we all fell under Mr. Right's spell? Phoebe: And suddenly we all want to bind Wyatt's powers? David: You see, Chris, what they really want is for you... Paige: For you to leave. David: I knew that. Chris: This is crazy. Leo, tell them. Leo: Tell them what? I'm wondering the same thing myself. Chris: Okay, so what if I did? I was only trying to protect Wyatt. Piper: By tricking us? Chris: I had to. Phoebe: Why? Chris: Because the only reason I came here was to keep Wyatt from turning evil. Leo: Turning evil? Paige: Wait, don't you mean stopping evil from hurting him? Chris: I didn't think you'd help me if you knew the truth. I knew you wouldn't. The evil from the future I came back to stop isn't a demon. It's Wyatt. Piper: You're lying. Chris: No, I'm not. He's gonna grow up and terrorise people with his powers, take over. Kill even. Leo: Why should we believe you after all the lies? Chris: Because you have to. Piper: No, Chris, we don't, actually. Chris: Fine, then don't. Either way, we need to save Wyatt now and I'm the one who knows how to do it. Phoebe: Really? How? Chris: The Order. They used their powers to turn him, to reverse his morality. See, he thinks bad is good now, and good is bad. That's why his shield repelled you. Leo: So? Chris: So Wyatt brings his shield up around me. He thinks I'm a threat. Piper: Yeah, so do I. Chris: Listen to me, they reversed his sense of morality. That means his shield will protect him from you but not from me. Please, I'm the only one who can save him. Let me help. Piper: Chris, we don't need your help. I will get my son back, and when I do, I don't wanna see you anymore. Chris: I'm sorry. (Chris orbs out.) [Scene: The Order demons are there, chanting. The head Order demon is holding Wyatt above an altar.] Head Demon: Behold. He has returned to us. To his rightful place, (Piper, Phoebe and Paige orb in) who one day lead us back to... (The girls attack the demons. Piper blows some up. The head demon sits Wyatt down. Piper goes over to them and Wyatt puts up his shield, knocking Piper backwards.) He protects me now, not you. (He creates a fireball. Chris orbs in and jumps on the head demon. The head demon is vanquished by his own fireball. The rest of the Order demons shimmer out.) Chris: Pick up the scepter and point it at Wyatt. (Piper picks it up.) Trust me. (She points it at Wyatt and Wyatt's shield vanishes. Piper picks him up.) Paige: How come he didn't raise his shield back up for you? Chris: I don't know. Looks like he trusts me now at least. [Scene: Golden Gate Bridge. Chris is sitting at the top. Leo orbs in beside him.] Leo: Good place to think, isn't it? Chris: What do you want? Leo: Just to talk. You know, trust, Chris, is a precious commodity. Once you lose it, it's pretty hard to get it back. Chris: What, did you read that out of a fortune cookie? Leo: Don't be a smart ass, it doesn't help your cause. Chris: My cause? Pretty much screwed that up, don't you think. Leo: I don't know. Chris: What, you're saying you still trust me? Leo: It's not my trust that matters, it's the sisters. Chris: I know. So what do I do? Leo: Just be straight to them, that's all. Don't manipulate them. Even if it is for the right reason. And for what it's worth, yes, I do trust you. After all, you saved my son from turning evil, didn't you. Chris: For now. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Stairs. David is sitting on the stairs. Piper walks over to him.] Piper: Hi. I was just coming up to find you. David: I know. Piper: Yeah, see, that's still kind of weird to me. David: I know that too. Piper: Listen, thanks for cleaning up the mess. You really are a perfect guy. David: My pleasure. Well... (He stands up and moves closer to her.) I already said goodbye to your sisters. Now it's your turn. Piper: I feel like I should apologise or something. David: Why? I'm okay with what's about to happen. Really. I was made that way. Piper: Weird. David: Did you at least have a good birthday? Piper: Um, it was interesting to say the least. David: You can't live without love, Piper, we both know that. That's all your sisters were trying to tell you. (The grandfather clock chimes.) Don't ever stop dreaming about me, and never stop looking for love. (They kiss.) Happy birthday, Piper. (He vanishes.) [Cut to Wyatt's room. Piper tucks Wyatt in his crib.] Piper: You go to sleep. (Piper walks over to the dresser and opens her present from Leo. She pulls out a charm bracelet and smiles. The card reads "Happy birthday Piper, Always Leo".)
Plan: A: a demon; Q: What did Piper vanquish from Wyatt's room? A: Piper; Q: Who decides to swear off men? A: an epiphany; Q: What does Piper have after vanquishing a demon? A: the rest; Q: How much of her life does Piper vow to devote to Wyatt? A: Piper's revelation; Q: What do Paige and Phoebe not like about Piper? A: Paige; Q: Who is the sister who reminds Piper of the importance of love? A: a "Mr. Right; Q: What do Paige and Phoebe conjure up for Piper's birthday? A: a demonic brotherhood; Q: What is the Order? A: Chris; Q: Who did the sisters trust to help them rescue Wyatt? A: a birthday dinner party; Q: What event turns into a food fight? A: a food fight; Q: What does Chris' meddling with "Prince Charmed's" attractiveness turn into? A: Wyatt's trust; Q: What does Chris earn by helping restore Wyatt to normal? A: Leo; Q: Who confirms that he still trusts Chris? Summary: After vanquishing a demon from Wyatt's room, Piper has an epiphany and decides to swear off men so that she can devote the rest of her life to raising and protecting Wyatt. Unable to handle Piper's revelation, Paige and Phoebe decide to remind Piper of the importance of love by conjuring up a "Mr. Right" as Piper's birthday present. The Order, a demonic brotherhood, manage to kidnap Wyatt after Chris' meddling with "Prince Charmed's" attractiveness backfires, turning a birthday dinner party into a food fight. The sisters vanquish the Order and with Chris' help restore Wyatt to normal. Doing so apparently earns Wyatt's trust for Chris and Leo confirms later that he still trusts Chris, but Chris needs to earn back the sisters' trust.
(Potter Bed and Breakfast - Dawson, Joey and Pacey are sitting in the living room watching 'The Big Chill') Joey: Who are these people? I mean, they're dancing, nobody dances in the kitchen. Dawson: Your parents danced in the kitchen. I mean, my parents love this movie. This is like the definitive movie of the entire Baby Boom generation. Joey: (to Pacey) Do your parents dance in the kitchen? Pacey: My parents? No, they definitely don't dance in the kitchen. Joey: (handing popcorn to Dawson) Here. Dawson: I don't know, I took all the movie pictures off my wall, everything's in question, I figured why not something unexpected for movie night. Joey: Oh, so we're scaling new heights of Mount Lame? Dawson: Sorry, Joey tonight's activities were meant to calm your nerves, not agitate them. Joey: Well, that's impossible. I mean, this Bed and Breakfast has been open for a day, a very costly Bed and Breakfast mind you, and there are no guests. Have either one of you checked the reservations list? There's not a name to be found, not a one. Dawson: Joey, it takes time to establish a reputation-- Joey: Dawson, Bessie and I have invested every dime we have. Along with guests, time is another thing that we don't have. (The phone rings. Joey composes herself before answering.) Joey: Potter Bed and Breakfast, can I help you? (her face falls) No, actually I'm perfectly content with my long distance service, thank you. But how 'bout you? I mean, thinking about a vacation? Come to the Cape, take a room at our lovely... She hung up on me. A tele-marketer hung up on me. Pacey: Come on, Jo, keep the faith. Joey: Is that all you have to say, considering that you were the primary force that escorted Bessie and I down this road to economic ruin? Pacey: All I did was figure out a way to kick in some free labor. Joey: You, Pacey Witter, single-handedly encouraged this pipe dream. I mean, you should know better than going around inspiring financially and spiritually bereft people, people who have no business being inspired. (There's a knock at the door. Joey stops hounding Pacey, and again, composes herself. She gives the room a once over, to make sure it's neat.) Joey: (pointing at Pacey's feet on the table) Feet. (Joey composes herself again and opens the door, finding a couple standing outside.) Can I help you? Woman: Hi, we were wondering... Joey: (hopefully) Yes? Man: Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior? God loves you. (He hands her a pamphlet.) (Capeside High Hallway - Jen is walking down the stairs when Henry catches up to her.) Henry: Hey. Jen: Hey! Stranger, where you been all week Henry: Working. Jen: Miss Freckling must be keeping you busy, I don't think I've seen you since Cape Fest. Henry: Well, actually I've been working at 'The Bass'. Jen: My favorite restaurant. Do you work there full time? Henry: No, just a week-long gig. Miss Freckling heard that they had some roof problems so I offered my services. Jen: That's an expensive place. They better pay you well. Henry: They did, but instead of cash I opted for a free dinner. Jen: The implication being? Henry: That you and I are gonna meet there. Jen: That's funny, cause I don't recall being asked. Henry: You weren't. See, I finally figured you out, Jen. Given the opportunity to say no, you do. So, I'm not giving you the opportunity. Jen: But then you're also not giving me the opportunity to say yes. Henry: Would you? Say yes? Jen: Probably not. Henry: So I'm not asking. Jen: Henry, we've been over this before. Dating is a consensual activity. Henry: Don't get ahead of yourself, I never called it a date. I said we'd eat dinner, you know, get to know each other. Jen: I've been around the block enough to spot a date in sheep's clothing. Henry: Do you really think a kid like me would deem to consider himself worthy of dating a woman of your silk? Jen: Ilk. It... it's ilk. Henry: See my point? What's it gonna be? Jen: It's gonna be let me think about it. Henry: Now we're talking. Jen: Yeah, but I didn't say yes. Henry: But you didn't say no. I'll see you 'round, I'm late for class. Jen: Yeah, but I didn't say yes. (Andie sits with her iBook and a bunch of papers outside of some classroom. Jack walks up.) Jack: Hey, my sister the future bureaucrat. How goes it? Andie: Uhh, to start with I have 42 ads, 10 bios and a director's note that I have to turn into a play bill by Monday. In addition to which, I have to pick up the posters, hang them around town, get the tickets to the community box office and check to make sure the local paper's running our ad next week. Oh, and did I mention that I'm a student with a little obligation called homework? Jack: (looking at her iBook with a face) And you're not very familiar with this layout program, are you? Andie: What gave that away? Jack: Each of your words are in a different font. Andie: It's a style choice. Jack: And upside down. Andie: It's a bold style choice. Jack: Yeah, right. (He takes the computer from her.) Andie: What are you doing? Jack: Helping out a wayward sister. Where are the bios? Andie: In there. Jack: I don't know how you keep all that together. I mean, personally I wouldn't be able to handle all this. Andie: You would if you had a supportive family to come home to every night. Jack: Thanks, but I'm happy where I am. Andie: You couldn't be happy at home? Jack: Not with him there, no. Andie: Dad misses you. Jack: Yeah, I'm sure he does. All those father-son heart-to-hearts we used to have... Andie: It'll be different. Jack: Okay, so he knows that I don't want to move home so he enlists you to speak for him. That's what this is, isn't it? Andie: (gathering her stuff) You know what, Jack, thanks for you help, but I can manage on my own. See ya. (Loan Office - Joey and Bessie are speaking with a woman.) Woman: Bess, I gotta be honest with you. I spoke to our manager about you, I made a personal plea. But you're a single mother with multiple dependents, and an income-to-debt ratio that doesn't even qualify for our most liberal profile. Bessie: Is there something you could suggest? Some solutions? Woman: Well, you could do what a lot of small businesses do, and that's leverage your assets. Joey: Unfortunately, our Microsoft options have been called and our yacht is in hock. Woman: Have you thought about taking out a mortgage? Joey: On the house? Woman: It is paid for, free and clear. Bessie: Do you have an application? (Potter Bed and Breakfast - Joey and Bessie have just arrived home and they make their way into the house.) Bessie: I'm just thinking about it. Joey: Bess, it's our house, where we live, the only connection we have to Mom. How could you even think about it? Bessie: Joey, everything takes longer and costs more than we expect. If there's a way to take a little out, then maybe we should. Joey: Well, you can't do something like this without my approval, and I'm not giving it to you. Bessie: Actually, I can. I'm an adult, you're a sixteen year old girl. Joey: Bessie, I am your sister, a part of this family. If this thing doesn't work out, I lose my house, the only tangible connection that I have... Bessie: She left it to me, Joey. Just like she left me in charge around here until you turn eighteen. That's a responsibility you can't understand. Joey: I know all about responsibility. Bessie: Do you? Because until you know what it's like to humiliate yourself by asking some trust-fund snob who looked down on you in High School for money, I don't want to talk about it with you anymore. (Bessie goes inside. Joey walks back down the steps and finds Dawson in her yard with his camcorder.) Joey: Dawson? Dawson: Hey. I figure, even if my film career is in no man's land, I can still at least put this thing to good use, right? Joey: What are you doing? Dawson: Making a virtual tour of Capeside's newest B&B. If we post this thing on the web, we get it to all the Cape Cod visitor information sites... Joey: Dawson, we don't exactly have the money for such frivolous things known as advertising. Dawson: Which is where this comes in. Joey: Look, I really appreciate the offer but... Dawson: No buts, Jo. This is actually a really good idea. I mean, look at this place. Who wouldn't want to come stay here if they could see it from every angle and meet the charming proprietors beforehand? [Inside the house - Joey sits at the kitchen table with a scowl on her face as Dawson tries to film her.) Dawson: Uh, Joey if you could try to look welcoming that would be great, because anxiety really doesn't fit in with this whole homey come-stay-with-us thing we're going for. Joey: Dawson, I do toilets and I do windows. I draw the line at faux perkiness. Dawson: Okay... Pacey: Let me tell ya, kiddies, we are looking good. Looking good. Joey: What canary did you swallow? Pacey: Well, after having felt just a teensy, weensy little bit of guilt over having wrongfully inspired this establishment, I took it upon myself to expose the Potter B&B to the outside world via the mighty pen of Mr. Frederick Fricke. Dawson: Fred who? Pacey: Fricke. He's, I don't know, he's like the Roger Ebert of the B&B world. Writes for Travel, Travel and Leisure, and most importantly, he writes for the New York Times travel section, the next edition of which will have nothing but glowing things to say about this establishment, because one Mr. Fred Fricke is frequenting here. Joey: He's coming here? Pacey: Oh yeah, he's on his way back to Boston right now. Happened to fit into his plans, I gave him a call... Joey: Are you insane? Have you seen the half-finished room? Have you tasted Bessie's blueberry pancakes? We're not ready for something like this! Not to mention that we don't have any guests... Pacey: I beg to differ, we do have guests. Not only do we have guests, we have the perfect guests for the perfect heartwarming weekend at your local B&B. Guests, if you would, please? (Grams enters with Jen, Jack and Andie) We have the sweet, God-fearing grandmother here to help her grandkids try to reconnect to the magical Creekside village where she frolicked as a little girl. Andie: I'll need an 8am wake up call. Jack: I take my OJ freshly squeezed. Jen: Black coffee for me, and God help you if you wake me up before noon. Pacey: (Mitch and Gale enter) And just to make sure that our home is filled with happy, boisterous people, we have a loving married couple here to spend a romantic weekend getaway. (Outside the house - Joey and Dawson have pulled Pacey outside.) Joey: One minor detail, Pacey, don't you think you could've asked me first? Dawson: You think you could've left my parents out of it? Joey: It was reckless. Dawson: And insensitive. Pacey: Okay, one at a time, shall we? Starting with you. (to Dawson) I only asked Mitch to help, okay? It was his idea to bring Gale along. Dawson: His idea? Pacey: Yes, his idea. So if you want to tear somebody's head off, why don't you try the guy that sired you? (To Joey) And as for you, how could you possibly be so ungrateful after just having witnessed an outpouring of love and support that would've made George Bayley proud? Joey: There is nothing wonderful about my life right now, okay? (handing the phone to Pacey) So I don't care how you do it, but you get Mr. Fricke on the phone and you tell him that there is no room at the inn. Pacey: Why? Joey: Because you don't show a movie reviewer a rough cut, and you don't serve a food critic your first stab at a new recipe. Especially if that recipe is your last chance of keeping a roof over your head. Pacey: What? Dawson: What do you mean, last chance? Joey: Bessie is thinking about taking out a mortgage. Dawson: What? A mortgage? You can't let her risk the house! Joey: Dawson, does the term "legal guardian" mean anything to you? Pacey: Umm, I'm sorry, Jo. I'll make this right right now, okay? (A knock is heard. Joey goes inside and finds a man standing in the entry way.) Joey: (sarcastically) Don't tell me, the Fuller Brush Man? Mr. Fricke: Hardly. (handing her a card) Fred Fricke, Bed and Breakfast Quarterly. Is now a bad time? Joey: No. Not at all. (Potter B&B - The Honeymoon Suite. Dawson walks in on his parents who are unpacking.) Gale: Hi, Honey. Dawson: So you two are staying in the honeymoon suite? Gale: Well, we're just here to help out Joey and Bessie, Honey. Later tonight, after the critic is asleep, your Dad is gonna go home and crash. Dawson: Don't you think it might be a little confusing, even hurtful to the child of a divorce to see his parents playacting a happy marriage? Mitch: Like your Mother said, Dawson, we're just here to help out. Dawson: Dad, Pacey asked you to help out. He didn't say anything about Mom. Mitch: Easy, Dawson. Listen, you're seeing something dark and complex here. There's nothing there. Dawson: You know what I'm seeing? I'm seeing two people who don't know what the hell they want, and I'm sick of it. (He storms out.) (Potter B&B - Mr. Fricke's room. Mr. Fricke looks around the room as if he's in a barn.) Joey: So, is there anything else I can get for you? Mr. Fricke: Heat. Joey: I beg your pardon? Mr. Fricke: It's freezing in here. Joey: Well, that's because we're an environmentally friendly inn. We like to conserve our natural resources, not to mention save on our energy bills. Mr. Fricke: What? No en suite commode? Joey: Excuse me? Mr. Fricke: Where is the bathroom? Joey: Oh, just down the hall. It's communal. Mr. Fricke: I see. Joey: Well, enjoy your stay. Um, we serve high tea at five o'clock and breakfast tomorrow morning starting at seven. Enjoy your stay. Mr. Fricke: You said that already. Joey: You're right, I did. My mistake. (Potter B&B - Jack and Andie's room. They are unpacking their things.) Jack: Is it just me or is it cold in here? Andie: So, you think we can successfully impersonate brother and sister this weekend? Jack: I don't see why not. Andie: Jack, I don't know how you do it. I can never get a good night's sleep if I'm not in my own bed. (Unpacks) Jack: God, Andie. Listen to me. I get the message, okay? If Dad wants me to move back home that's fine, but you're not going to spend the next couple of days waging a subtle campaign to wear me down. Andie: Who me? Jack: I'm serious. Any mention of home, house, any kind of dwelling where people live, I'm gonna go stay in Jen's room. You understand? (Potter B&B - Living room. Bessie and Joey whisper in the corner, looking at Mr. Fricke who is sitting on the couch.) Bessie: Does he look like he's having a good time? Joey: Does a lemon ever look like its having a good time? Bessie: Be nice, Joey. He's just doing his job. Joey: And we trust our entire future. Bessie: Where's Pacey anyway? He said he'd help me turn down the beds. Joey: He's in the bathroom, counting animals two by two. Bessie: Why? What happened? Joey: What else? A flood. The toilet overflowed. Potter B&B - Bathroom. Pacey is mopping.) Pacey: Note to self. Career options. Delete hotel management. (Outside Potter B&B - Dawson is at the dock looking out over the water. Mitch walks up.) Mitch: You're right. I didn't ask her here for just any reason. Your Mother and I have enough of the same friends for me to know what's going on in her life. And she's hitting a wall, Dawson. Every network, large and small, it seems, is passing her by for a job. Dawson: She never told me that. Mitch: She didn't tell me. Dawson: Well, no offense, Dad, but I'm her son. You're her divorced husband. Mitch: I'm her friend. And I want her to know that, whatever our history, I am there for her. I'm sorry if that threatens you. Dawson: It doesn't threaten me. Mitch: Well, it does something. Dawson: It pisses me off. Mitch: It pisses you off that your parents have a cordial post-divorce relationship? Dawson: No, it pisses me off that I don't know what to believe anymore, okay? You're married, you're divorced. You're enemies, you're friends. What? Mitch: We are trying very hard to be friends right now. Dawson: Well, it's a little late for that, don't you think? Mitch: That's where you're wrong. There's no time constraint about how long you can care about someone, no limit on how much. Especially if they've been so much a part of your life already. (Potter B&B - Living Room. Mr. Fricke sits between Joey and Bessie who are overcompensating in excuses.) Bessie: Now, this is our first full week of operation, Fred. Joey: So we're still trying to work out all the kinks. Bessie: I think our family style approach is what sets us apart form all the competition, Fred. (She places her hand on his knee. Both Fricke and Joey look at her hand there.) Pacey: Bathroom's almost fixed! Joey: We have great people working for us. Bessie: Fred, have you met our on-site handyman, Pacey Witter? Mr. Fricke: No, I haven't had the pleasure. Pacey: Rest assured, folks. I have everything under control now. Taken care of. (A thud is heard overhead and a cloud of smoke pours out of the vent.) Mr. Fricke: You might want to have Handyman Witter check the furnace. (Joey bangs on the furnace.) Bessie: Hey, we're in luck. Fricke went into town to grab dinner. Joey: Shoot. Bessie: I don't think swearing at the thing's gonna help. Joey: Oh, and flirting with it might? Bessie: What's that supposed to mean? Joey: Nothing. I'm just a child, remember? I'll just stick with the little things, you know, like how we're going to prevent everyone we know from freezing to death in what's supposed to be the coldest night of the year? Bessie: You know, you're certainly behaving like a child. What is your problem? Joey: Bessie, do you even remember what it's like to be sixteen? Is it like some far off planet? Bessie: I remember. Joey: Because it's like you have all the responsibilities of an adult, but none of the authority. You can't vote, you can't drink, you can't make any definitive decisions about your life. Bessie: You think getting older automatically gives you more say in your life? Get real, Joey. You think I wanted to be stuck here at 26 taking care of two kids by myself? Joey: Well, I guess I missed the part where you begged and pleaded with Bodie to stay. Bessie: I ask him to come home every chance I get, but he knows we can't afford it. Trust me, this is now how I planned for my life to turn out. Joey: Well, I'm really sorry if Alexander are putting a such a crimp in your lifestyle, but with any luck, I won't be here much longer to trouble you. Bessie: That's not what I meant and you know it. Joey: That's certainly what it sounded like. Bessie: You know, for a girl who supposedly wants to leave Capeside as soon as she can, you sure are putting a hell of a lot of effort into this place. Joey: You're right. Maybe it's just time I stopped. [SCENE_BREAK] (Outside the Potter B&B - Pacey is chopping wood. Mitch walks up.) Mitch: Whose head was that? Pacey: Ah, not to worry, Coach. If anybody's head belongs on the chopping block, it's mine. Mitch: What makes you say that? Pacey: Oh, let me count the ways, shall we? For one, it was my idea to refurbish the old furnace instead of just buying a new one. Mitch: Guilty as charged. Pacey: Yeah, and this is the one you're really gonna love. It was my idea to bring Herr Fricke down to our little weekend in the country. Mitch: You did? Pacey: Yes. I did. Let me tell ya, it was no easy feat, okay? I had to pull out all the stops on that guy, use all my dazzling people skills. And for what? A comedy of errors that's probably going to put the Sisters Potter in the poorhouse. Mitch: You know what I think? I think that if I were Joey and Bessie, I would consider myself very lucky to have you in my life. Pacey: Why? Everything and everybody that I touch, I screw up, all right? You're aware of the Midas touch, right? You've heard of that? Okay, well the Midas touch, whatever that is, I got the opposite. Mitch: Don't be so sure. I mean, look at you. You're still at it, right? You haven't given up. Pace, instead of dwelling on everything that's gone wrong this weekend, so far, um... think about what you contributed. You've put a lot of selfless work into this place, right? That is the real question. Listen, that goes to the heart of who Pacey Witter is. Pacey: What? Mitch: What makes you care so much. (Leery Residence - Dawson is rummaging in a closet.) Gale: The heavy wool blankets are on the top shelf. Dawson: I got it. Hey, Mom, I'm sorry. Gale: For what, Honey? Dawson: For blowing up at you before. I should've been a little more sympathetic. It's just the rules of engagement keep changing on me. Gale: Tell me about it. The post-divorce landscape is like an emotional battlefield. Dawson: What I don't understand is that you and Dad seem to really like each other, still care about each other. Gale: Well we do, Honey. Which is what makes the knowledge that were better off apart even more difficult to bear. I mean, think about your own life. Dawson: What about it? Gale: You and Joey. The decision to break up it isn't made in one sitting. It's cumulative. You have to re-decide over and over each day. (Gram's House - Jack and Andie walk into the kitchen.) Jack: Okay, I know there's a space heater in here somewhere. Andie: (eyeing a note on the fridge) Hey, what's Jack Milk? Jack: What? Andie: It says, 'get more Jack Milk.' Jack: Oh, that's whole milk. You know, Grams is skim, Jen's one percent. Andie: Ah everybody gets their own milk. Jack: Yeah, Grams isn't commenting, but she runs a tight ship. Andie: (noticing a HUGE mug on the counter) Coffee much? Jack: No. Andie: What's this about? Jack: That's an inside joke, it's kind of hard to explain. Andie: It's okay, you don't have to. I get it. I mean, you're part of a family now. Families have three types of milk and inside jokes. Why would you want to move back into that big, cold house with a man who has no idea what kind of milk you drink or what kind of play you're directing. You're really lucky. Jack: It's you, isn't it? It's not Dad that's asking me back home, it's you. Andie: I miss my brother, Jack. Especially when my life gets crazy and I want somebody around to share it with. And that's not meant to make you feel guilty and its not meant as a sympathetic plea. It's just the truth. (Outside Potter B&B - Dawson and Jen sit under the stars talking.) Jen: Gorgeous. Dawson: It's pollution. Certain, uh, industrial pollutants make the moon appear more vivid. Right about now, some factory in Boston just released something highly toxic into the air. Jen: You know, there was a time when you'd just see the magic in a sight like this. Dawson: I still do, it's just... you know, I have a bitter sense of the reality behind the magic. Jen: Can I ask you something, just for the record? Dawson: Yeah, sure. Fire away. Jen: When we were dating and I told you about me, my past, um what was it that you were scared of? Dawson: I think anything that we don't know or understand can scare us, and I had certainly never known anyone with your degree of life experience. I admit that I was madly infatuated with you. Jen: And you have one very intimidated Dawson Leery. Do you think that most other boys would react the same way? Dawson: I'd love to say no, but honestly I don't know. I can't know how anyone's gonna react. But I can tell you, just for the record, that how I reacted was wrong. And that now I can see that the only thing more beautiful than Jen Lindley is the reality behind her magic. And I feel sorry for any guy who's too insecure to see that. (In the B&B Living Room - The men are around the fireplace trying to light it, as Gale, Jen, Joey and Andie sit around waiting to warm up.) Mitch: Okay, let's get that right up there. Air vents, okay? Guys, blow, blow, blow! (The fire doesn't start.) Jen: We're so gonna freeze. Grams: (walking in) You'll never get it started with the hickory on the bottom. May I? (The men look at each other before stepping back and letting Grams take over.) Grams: (rearranging the wood) Hickory is a glorious wood, but it's a hard wood. Will never burn on its own. Soft pine goes on the bottom, oak in the middle, hickory on top. (She lights it.) There we go. Mitch: Wow, I'm impressed. Jen: You know, she churns her own butter, too. Grams: Oh, I used to build a fire after dinner every night in the winter. Jennifer's Grandfather would sit in his leather chair, feet on ottoman, and read to me. Some nights we'd travel with Ahab in search of the great whale. Or some nights we'd float down the perilous river with Huck and Jim. Nearly every night, at some point in our journey, he'd fall asleep, chin on chest, book in lap, content. You know you love someone when you can spend the entire night just sitting by the fire, watching him sleep. Gale: Sounds like you loved him very much. Grams: Love is the hardest of woods. Takes a long, long time to heat up, but it does. Jen: God, it smells good in here. Grams: Hickory burning in the hearth, smells like 46 years of my life. Dawson: They say that smell is the most powerful sense of recall that we have. It can bring back all kinds of buried experiences. Gale: Vanilla. Mitch: Still? Gale: Every time I smell it... Your Father worked in a restaurant when we first started dating... Mitch: The Franklin Family Fish House. Gale: And every night after work, when he would come to pick me up, he always smelled like vanilla. Mitch: Well, I used to soak my hands in it to, uhh, alleviate the smell of the cod. Dawson: Phenylene diamine. It's the main chemical used to process film, might've been the first time I ever opened a film canister. It's an intense smell. At the time, it smelled like possibility. Jen: Mothballs. I love the smell of mothballs. No, when class would get out at the Chapin's School in New York, um, there was this old storage room in the back of the auditorium that the drama club used to keep all their costumes and props in. God, I would spend hours in there hiding under Guinevere's skirt, wrapped in Lady Macbeth's cloak. It always seemed like, no matter what had happened or how bad the day had been or how much I thought I was falling apart, there was nothing that could get to me in there. Jack: Kickapoo juice. It was this grape juice, and they used to hand out a cup of it at the end of every day at summer camp. And the owner of the camp, Mr. A, gave it that stupid name. We all knew it was Hi-C. Pacey: This might sound a little goofy, but do you think it's actually possible to smell snow? Mitch: Absolutely. Pacey: Well, that's my first memory, then. I don't know, I was maybe two or three years old. I just distinctly remember getting up on my tippy toes so I could look through this half open window at the snow falling down on the frozen creek, and everything just blanketed in stillness. Andie: New car. We'd go on these family trips, and dad would always request a brand new rental car. And I guess, um, that smell just reminds me of all of us traveling together down some big open highway. Joey: Bacon. Sizzling, crackling, wafting into my bedroom while I was still asleep, starting in my dreams and coaxing me into awake. Bessie: I know that smell. Joey: Mom. Bessie: Yeah. Joey: See, every Sunday when she didn't have to work, she would make breakfast. And I would find my way down the hallway and stand next to her by the stove. And we would talk about school, and boys, and we'd take the pancake batter and pour it into tiny molds shaped like pine trees and animals. My Mom always loved to cook and take care of everyone, and hated working at that bar every night. She always told me not to worry, because eventually she was going to make enough money and she was going to open up her very own, um, her very own Bed and Breakfast. She obviously didn't get the chance to see that dream happen, so I thought I would give it a shot. So, thank you everyone for coming and helping us. You're the best fake guests a girl could ask for. But really, you can all go home now. (Joey goes to leave the room and notices Mr. Fricke has been standing in the doorway for an unknown amount of time.) Joey: Mr. Fricke, I'm really sorry this has been such a horrendous experience. I realize it's no five star B&B, but I'm pretty sure my mother would've loved it. (Potter B&B - Joey's room, the next morning. Voices are heard in the other room, and as she wakes up, a smile crosses her face. "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" is playing on the stereo as she makes her way into the kitchen. Everyone is dancing around cooking breakfast, and setting the table to eat. Some are singing along, and dropping things while they dance. Generally having a good time.) Joey: So is someone going to tell me what's going on? Pacey: Hey. Want some coffee? Could someone please get this lady a cup of coffee? Joey: I thought everyone was going home. Dawson: Well you know you sleep late, you miss a lot. Okay you've done the bed thing it's time for some breakfast (Everyone finds a place to sit at the table. Mr. Fricke is at the head.) Pacey: This is for you, Mr. Fricke. Joey: Morning, everyone. All: Morning. Joey: Morning, Mr. Fricke. Mr. Fricke: Morning. Joey: You know, I know we still have a few kinks to work out. We'll probably never have the fine linens and gourmet food that you're used to. Mr. Fricke: The heat didn't work last night... (pause) But this is one of the warmest places I've ever stayed. (gesturing towards the pancakes) And these pancakes may be the best in the county. Andie: All right! Joey: Um, what am I missing? Bessie: Why, whatever do you mean? Joey: Well, for one thing your pancakes are nowhere near this good, Bessie. Pacey: Well, then perhaps we should pay our compliments to the chef, huh? All: (chanting) Chef, chef, chef, chef! Bodie: (with Alexander in tow) Now who here wants seconds? Joey: (hugging him) Bodie? What are you doing here? Bodie: What do you mean? I wouldn't miss this for the world! (Bessie pulls Joey into the other room.) Bessie: I was up for hours last night, thinking about what you said by the fire. And I went up to the attic... Joey: Look, Bessie... Bessie: (holding up a Guest Book) Dad gave this to Mom for Christmas ten years ago. We signed it over breakfast... her first guests. How could I have forgotten her dream? Joey: You've had a few other things to worry about, Bessie. The lives of two kids. Mr. Fricke: (raising his glass in a toast) To the Potter B&B! May it live long and prosper! Pacey: Here, here. Andie: Yah! (Potter B&B - The Honeymoon Suite. Mitch is packing while Gale goes to put a necklace on.) Gale: (gesturing the necklace) May I bother you? Mitch: Yeah. (helping her with the necklace) You remember last night around the fire, that whole nostalgia vanilla thing? That brought back another memory... Gale: The Fish Bistro. Mitch: Yeah. Gale: How could I ever forget that pipe dream? Mitch: We thought that up when you were pregnant with Dawson. Leery's Fresh Fish. But you know what? I think back to that time now, before the teaching and the coaching, that wasn't really my dream at all. It was yours. Gale: Well, I don't know about that... Mitch: I'm not saying that you bailed on it or anything, I mean, it's not your fault you were more successful doing something else. Anyway, I know that you're interviewing with a lot of different stations and everything, but there is this little empty place by the river. I, um, came across it the other day and wrote the number down, just in case you wanted to take a look at it. (hands her a little slip of paper) Gale: Thank you, Mitch, but that dream was so very long ago. Mitch: Seems like yesterday to me. (The Dock - Henry and Jen are sitting and talking.) Henry: So this is why you brought me here? Jen: Henry, I just shared with you all the events of my sordid past, a veritable laundry list of sexual crimes and misdemeanors. Henry: Yeah? Jen: So, so you're not acting disgusted or self-righteous or intimidated or even agog? Henry: Why would I be any of those things? Jen: Because that's how boys always react. Henry: Whatever you did before is part of what makes you who you are. And I'm thankful for that. Jen: Did you just say what I think you said? Henry: Whatever it was, I think I did, yeah. Jen: Who are you, Henry Parker? (Outside Potter B&B - Pacey is helping Dawson with his camcorder.) Dawson: Pacey, do you have any idea what you're doing? Pacey: Well, I have put a lens cap on before, yeah. Dawson: I meant just in general. Everything's changing so rapidly, I'm having troubles finding my bearings, you know? Pacey: I'll second that emotion. Dawson: You know, I lay awake at night on my bed staring at my walls, which are now blank except for a Lennon poster, trying to imagine the future... and it's as blank as the walls. All I can see is a past that's barely recognizable anymore. Perfect example... you. Pacey: Me? Dawson: Yeah, you concocted this whole metamorphosis. You used to be glib and predictable. I don't know, I mean I thought it was, you know, your relationship with Andie, but now you're not with her and still... I guess what I'm trying to say is, thank you. Pacey: For what, man? Dawson: For doing what I asked you to do: taking care of Joey. You really went above and beyond the call. I mean, you did something really special for her. I'm glad she has you. Pacey: Let me tell you something, Man. It's no picnic, okay? That Potter girl, she ain't easy, alright? She's physically incapable of keeping her mouth shut for more than two seconds at a time. She's got an opinion about everything. I mean, it's uncanny, alright? So anytime you want to jump back in there, you just let me know, because I am eager to return to our regularly scheduled programming. That good enough for you? Dawson: That'll do fine, Pace. (Potter B&B Porch - Jen and Grams walk outside with the luggage when Jack walks up.) Grams: (singing) Sunshine all over the place, just put on a happy face. Jen: Did you mix your red pills with your blue ones today? Grams: I like that song. Ahh. Jen: Oh, just in time to carry our bags. Jack: Uh, listen there's something I want to talk through with you guys if you have a second. Jen: Absolutely. What is it? Jack: Okay, uh, Andie is, um, Andie's giving me the hard sell about moving back home. Jen: Well, what about your Dad? Jack: As much as I thought it was, my moving back home doesn't really have anything to do with my Dad. He's not there half the time anyway. It's about Andie. You see, when you guys invited me last summer to stay with you, I didn't have anything or anyone. And it was so generous of both of you and it's not that you just offered me a home, it was the act of reminding me that somebody cared about me when I didn't really feel like I deserved it. And now Andie needs to be reminded of that. I'm her brother. So look, I'm sorry. I want you to think that I appreciate everything and you did so much for me and I... Jen: Go home, Jack. Go home. (Group hug! The following scenes are a montage of everyone. Music plays in the background.) Pacey: Potter? Potter, look, I talked to the furnace guy. He said he could come by tomorrow if you didn't... (Pacey finds Joey asleep on the couch under a blanket. He walks over and kneels to the floor next to the couch as he covers her. After staring at her for a moment, he walks away. Outside of the B&B, Bessie, Bodie and Alexander sit on a blanket, looking at the stars. Henry and Jen sit on the docks talking. Gale is walking along a pier, when she comes across the property that Mitch told her about. Jack is packing his things up in his room at Gram's house, for his move back to his father's house. Dawson lays on his bed, staring up at his 'Imagine' poster. Joey is still asleep under the blanket, the room lit only by the fireplace. Pacey sits in the armchair across from her, watching her sleep. A look of contentment and awe is on his face. It's obvious he could sit there all night.)
Plan: A: Joey; Q: Who explodes at Pacey after he invites a critic to spend the weekend with them? A: the Potter family business; Q: What is the name of the new bed and breakfast that Joey's friends and their families work together to ensure the success of? A: Jack; Q: Which Potter family member moves back home? A: Andie; Q: Who does Jack find common ground with? A: Jen; Q: Who works through some issues with Henry? A: her past indiscretions; Q: What does Henry tell Jen about that makes him calm? A: Dawson; Q: Who attempts to reconnect with his parents? A: Mitch; Q: Who helps Gail rediscover a long forgotten dream? A: a potential venue; Q: What does Mitch show Gail to help her rediscover her dream of opening a restaurant? A: New developments; Q: What forces Pacey to think about how he feels about the new bond between him and Joey? A: the Pacey/Joey; Q: What relationship is strained by new developments? Summary: Joey's friends and their families work together to ensure the success of the Potter family business, a new bed and breakfast. Joey explodes at Pacey after he invites a critic to spend the weekend with them, but ultimately ends up grateful for his help and support. Jack and Andie find some common ground and Jack ends up moving back home. Jen works through some issues with Henry, who is surprisingly calm when he hears about her past indiscretions. Dawson attempts to reconnect with his parents, as Mitch helps Gail rediscover a long forgotten dream, by showing her a potential venue for a restaurant. New developments in the Pacey/Joey relationship force Pacey to think about how he really feels about the new bond between the two of them.
Les Cicatrices du Passé (2x09 : Rebirth) Written by LISA MELAMED Directed by MILAN CHEYLOV **Previously on The 4400** A welcome home party is held for Shawn. Nikki:Remember me? Shawn: Nikki? They kiss. Shawn: You're the only good thing that's happened to me since I've been back. Danny fights with Shawn. Susan: Danny! Shawn: Danny, stop blaming me for Nikki! Susan: Shawn, stop it, you're killing him! April stands at a newstand with Maia, scratching lottery cards. April: So, this whole see the future thing? It doesn't just apply to Earth shattering events, huh? Maia: Not always. Maia picks out a winning card. Maia: That one. April: Baby girl. You are my new lucky charm. Later, at home. April: Do you know what I bet? Try my Mother's diamond engagement ring. And not it's gone. Maia: You said winning didn't matter. You said you liked me. April: This was all just a test. Maia: And you failed. Shawn is in his office with Lucy, looking over a press statement. Shawn: It doesn't sound like me, Lucy. Lucy: So change it. You're the boss. Matthew enters the office. Matthew: Matthew Ross. Shawn: Yes. Matthew: Jordan made it clear, that in the event of his death, I was to step up front and center to help you out. The ground just shifted under your feet. You either find your balance, or fall on your ass. Shawn makes a speech at Collier's memorial. Shawn: The fact is, that everyone alive today, owes Jordan Collier. He had a vision to save the future. Kyle bumps into Wendy on campus. Wendy: You were waiting in the hallway outside my apartment last night. Kyle: I don't know how I got there, please believe me. I had another blackout last night. Kyle has a flashback and remembers killing Collier. **Present time** It's morning and Kyle is sleeping in bed. Tom knocks on the door. Richard is in the foyer of the 4400 center. He see's a man that he seem's to recognise and approaches him. Richard: Ben? Ben: Tyler? My God, you haven't changed. Richard: 50 year vacation will do that for you. You look... Ben: I look old. Especially next to you. I had you beat by eight months. Last time I saw you was in a tent. Richard: Outside of St Andrew, Korea. Ben: May 11th 1951. Richard: You remember the date? Ben: Sometimes I have trouble remembering my grandkids birthday, but that's a date, I'll never forget. I mean, Lee hit you and you uh, well you disappeared. Richard has a flashback to his abduction. Richard: So uh, what you doing here, Ben? Ben: You remember Milton Weinburg, your old uh, wingman. Richard: Milt was the first guy who invited me over to sit at his table in the officer's mess. Ben: He passed on. Parkinson's disease. I'm sorry, I keow you guy's were close and I'm sure he would want you at the funeral. Richard: Is uh, Lee gonna be there? Richard has another flashback to the beating before the abduction. Lee: We treated you as an equal. That was good enough for you. You crossed the line. Back to the present. Ben: None of us have spoken to Lee in years. Richard: I'll be there out of respect for Milt. A couple are in a hospital. The woman sits in bed looking very worried. A male Nurse brings in a baby to her. Mrs Ward: Is he ok? Edwin: Better than ok. Heartrate, respiration, reflexes, all above average. Say hello to your healthy child. Mr Ward: I mean, I can't even find the words. Doc, we don't know how to find you. Mrs Ward: And he's gonna know all about you. The Nurse that changed his life. Edwin: Enjoy your son, Mr and Mrs Watt Keep him safe. The nurse is Edwin Mayuya who disappeared on February 24th, 1996. Edwin leaves the room and walks out into the busy hallway. Doctor: Edwin, do you have a second? Edwin: I'm sorry Doctor, I'm due in the nursery. Doctor: It can wait. I wanna know what you did to the Ward baby. We did amnio in the first trimester. That baby was diagnosed with Prado Rey syndrome. Edwin: Perhaps there was some mistake in the tests. Doctor: You saw those results Edwin. The 15th chromosome was damaged. That indicates severe mental retardation at birth, but their kid just scored nine on the apgar test. Edwin: A miracle is traditionally cause for celebration, not an inquisition. Doctor: This is the fourth time this has happened in the last six months. In every one of those cases Edwin, you are the attending nurse and you're one of the 4400. Edwin: I'm not sure I see the connection. Doctor: Everyone's read about that kid who's running the 4400 center now. They say he's cured diseases like ALS. Diseases no hospital in the world can put a dent in. He's a healer. So are you. Edwin: For me, it only works in utero. I can feel the damage to their chromosomes. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but somehow I'm able to repair them. Doctor: That's incredible. Edwin: Dr Ordler. If it's all the same to you, I prefer to work anonymously. Doctor: There are already rumours in this hospital ofmiracle births there have been. And people talk. I don't think you're gonna have that option. She walks away. Kyle has another flashback to the shooting. He is standing outside the buiding opposite the center, at night. The witness who helped out the NTAC artist see's him and runs off. Titles Diana and Tom are in the office. Diana: Wait a minute. It's Gavin Mar, I read his statement yesterday. Why are they sending us these again? Tom: Maybe we missed something. Diana: There were a thousand people at the party where Collier got assassinated. Wouldn't you think that they could at least send us a new set of completely useless files? Nina arrives. Nina: Anymore leads in there? Didn't think so. I'm pulling you off the Collier case. Just for the moment. Tom: Something important I hope. Nina: One of the thousand in the research report caught my eye. There's an internet chatroom for pregnant women. Yesterday, someone started a thread about some unexplained reverses of birth defects at Mercy Hospital. Tom: So you're yanking us off Collier to check out internet chat. Nina: Uh huh Diana: There's a 4400 works at the hospital. Nina: Bingo! Edwins file is opened by Shawn. Matthew: Edwin Mayuya. He was born in Rwanda. Shawn: This guy's some kind of healer. Matthew: According to the internet. Don't worry, you're still the alpha dog. Shawn: It's not like I mind. It's great if he is, of course. Should we invite him to the center? Matthew: At the very least. I think Mr Mayuya merits a sit down. Shawn: Alright, set it up. I'll be there. Matthew: Why don't you let me handle the meet and greet. I'll figure out if there's anything to these stories. In the meantime, there's a move I'd like you to consider making. Call it the next phase in your development as a leader. Shawn: Matthew, I told you I would read The Art Of War, ok? Matthew: I want you to call your Mom. I know Jordan counselled you to distance yourself from your family. Shawn: Before Jordan was telling me anything, my family had already distanced themselves from me. Matthew: Family dynamics are complex. Shawn: I don't think that a phone call is gonna lead straight into some kind of group hug. Matthew: Even if it just leads to dinner, you're heading in the right direction. Shawn: But Matthew. What is it to you? Matthew: Right now, every news desk in the country is taking a long hard look at you. They're looking for a weakness. Shawn: And because I'm not speaking to my family, that implies what? Everybody here's supposed to do likewise? Matthew: The press will spin it that way. That's how they smear us with the cult label. Shawn: You want me to stir up all of this old business, as a publicity ploy? Matthew: You take care of it now, or wait. See it splashed all over the newspapers. Here's your Mom's phone number. In case you forgot. Matthew walks out. People gather around a casket at the cemetary. The last post is being played. Richard is standing among other men, who all salute. Afterwards, Richard walks up to a group of men. Man 1: How do you think I rang the bell? Ben: Uh, we were just saying what a nice ceremony this was. Old Milty left a great family behind. Richard: He had a lot of love to spread around, huh? Man 2: We thought you got killed. Or captured maybe. Ben: There was some talk you went AWOL. Man 2: None of us put any stock in that. Richard: Disappearing in a beam of light. Nobody thought of that, huh? They all laugh Ben: Hey uh, you in town tonight? Richard nods. Ben: Good. We're gonna have our own private wake for Milt, down at Shaugnessy's. You know, he loved his buds, so we're gonna hoist a few in his memory. Man 2: You should come. We'll kick around old times. Richard: Old times was hardly more than a year ago for me. Ben: You can fill in the gaps then. There's a lot of stuff we don't remember any more. Richard: Chance to swap tall tales with you old duffers? Wouldn't miss it. Diana and Tom go to the hospital to speak with Edwin. Edwin: NTAC has examined me several times already this year. I don't think I'm due for another, for three months I believe. Tom: You've never missed an appointment. We appreciate that. Diana: You just admitted to us that you've developed this ability. It's a kind of Earth shaking one, I have to say. Edwin: Forgive me, but I don't see how submitting me to another round of tests, helps anyone. Tom: These mutations you can induce.... Edwin: I believe they are not mutations sir, I believe they are repairs. Diana: Either way, our Doctors need to take a look at you. If they can figure out the way your ability works, it could help a lot of people. Edwin: Alright then. I will let your Doctor's poke and prod me to their hearts content. But I ask one thing. That you allow me my privacy. I do not want to become a public figure. Tom: Well that works for us. Whenever a new ability leaks to the press, good, bad or whatever, it stirs a lot of people up. Edwin: Precisely what I hope to avoid. I've seen firsthand the type of behaviour that irrational fears can provoke. Diana: You left Rwanda in April of 1994. That was the beginning of the Tutsi's genocide. Edwin: The beginning. Believe me, I saw my fill of horrors during those two weeks. If I hadn't been granted asylum here in America, I'd be dead. Tom: You were probably just getting used to the place, when you got abducted, I'm sure. Edwin: There were nights in Kagali when I would have welcomed the chance to disappear from the face of this Earth. Diana returns home that night. Diana: So uh, just let me get this straight. You used Maia's predictions, so that you can gamble? April: I didn't use her to gamble. I used her to win. Diana: You mean that you used her to cheat. You exploited a nine year old girl who loves you. April: She was having a good time. We both were! Diana: But only one of you is an adult. I can't believe that you're standing there defending it. April: Well this part of it. I can kind of mount a credible defense. Diana: What, so you haven't got to the part that you're ashamed of yet? April: These bets? They were sure things. But I needed money to make them. You know Mom's engagement ring? Diana: You mean the one that she left to me. April: The one I should have worn to my wedding. I pawned it. Diana: I just can't believe that I let Maia anywhere near you. I want you out of here. Diana walks away and Maia stands in her bedroom doorway. Matthew walks into Shawn's outer office to find Lucy sat at her desk. Matthew: Lucy! If I watch the news tonight, am I gonna be a happy man? Lucy: The stations I called all seemed very interested. Matthew: A 4400 who cures birth defects. I'd cover it. I suppose the tip was anonymous. Lucy: Believe me, I didn't wanna leave my name. The center outing a 4400 to the media? Seem's wrong somehow. Matthew: Well it's not business as usual, I grant you. But we leak it, we control the story. And it beats letting him rot in the basement at NTAC. Did Shawn go upstairs for the night? Lucy: He went out. Personal business he said. Matthew turns and smiles. Matthew: Goodnight Lucy Shawn turns up at his Mother's house and knocks on the door. Susan: Who is it? Hello? Shawn: Mom, you gonna open the door, or should I use my key? She opens the door. Susan: Shawn! She launches herself into his arms. Shawn: I would have called ahead, but I, surprise! A news bulletin is on TV with the headlines 'Another 4400 Healer?' A black woman sits in a chair, watching. Newscaster: Will the 4400 be the cure for all Human disease? That's the question on everyone's lips as it appears a member of the 4400 has manifested the ability to reverse certain genetic birth defects in utero. Anonymous sources claim that Edwin Mayuya, a 38 year old nurse at Mercy Hospital is responsible for a series of miraculous healings over the lpast five months. The woman jumps out of her chair and begins shouting at the television. Woman: Murderer! Murderer! A younger woman bursts into the room. Woman: That's the one. The one who killed your parents! Richard and his old friends sit in the bar reminiscing over old times. Ben: Wait, there's more. I'm bouncing around the shotgun and Tyler here has got the gas pedal all the way through the floor. Richard: We had two hundred bucks on that race. Ben: Now Davis is 30 feet behind me and I can barely hear him screaming, 'Not that way! That's where the landmines are!' Richard: If I knew he was serious, maybe I'd have paid attention. Ben:Well no-one was gonna follow us that way, so we came in two minutes before the pack, split the money. Richard: Bought like, five kegs of budweisser for the officers club. Ben holds up a can Ben: Get a load of this. Look's just like it did back in the day. Man 2: Like you Tyler. Ben: Hard to believe. 50 years go by,. We got the same guys, same beer. Man 2: It's great to see you guy's. It's a shame it took Milt dying, to make it happen. Ben: It's hard to find excuses to get the whole gang together. Richard: It's not exactly the whole gang, is it? There's always uh, Lee. So when are you guy's gonna tell me where he is. Ben: Come on, does it matter? Richard: It matters to me. Ben: Well, the last I heard, he was in a VA hospital outside of Baker street. The guy's been in bad shape for a long time. Look, everyone here feels terrible about what we did to you. Isn't that enough? You're not gonna get anything out of talking to Lee. Do yourself a favour. Just let it go. The black woman from earlier is in Nina's office. Tom arrives outside and approaches Diana. Tom: What's up? Agent: You know your miracle healer? Turns out his name is Edwin Musinga. Diana: All his papers have been forged. He's been wanted by the Rwandan Government since 1995. Tom: Wanted for what? Agent: Atrocities. He was a Doctor during the uprisings. He's killed a whole bunch of people. Edwin is interviewed. Edwin: I was a paediatrician at a clinic in Kadari.I'm a Hutus, but most of my patients were Tutsi. Many of my friends as well. They called my loyalty into question when the killings began.Some men from the military came to my clinic and said they wanted to broadcast it as a safehouse. A place Tutsi could come to be safe from the slaughter. Diana: And they came. Edwin: By 3 'o'clock, the clinic was full. Every room, every corridor, all filled with frightened Tutsi looking to me as their protector. The same soldiers came back with militia at their side. Tom: It was a set-up. Did you at least try to stop them? Edwin: The radio reports were claiming the Tutsi's had killed our President. The anger spread like fires. I got infected too. Tom: So basically you stood by and did nothing. Edwin: All over the city, it was organised murder. We never would have made it to safety. Tom: You could have tried. Diana: Easy Tom. Let the man finish his story. Edwin: Yes, I could have tried. That's true, I know that now. They made me watch. They killed them all. I allowed them to turn my clinic into a slaughterhouse. Diana: But you didn't murder anyone, personally. Edwin: True. But not much about this thing shone. I knew what was going to happen. I let it take place. I am guilty. My wife left me. I haven't seen her or my children since. Perhaps they will come to my execution. Diana: Your government's pushing for extradition. Tom: You should be on a plane right now! Diana: But your ability complicates things. Edwin: It would give me the chance to make amends, but I could save an infant a day for the rest of my life and I'd still deserve every one of my nightmares. Tom and Diana leave the room. Diana: What was going on in there, Tom? Because if you were looking to shut him down before he got his story out, all that glaring was a great way to go about it. Tom: That guy should be on his way to a tribunal! Instead, we're serving him lunch downstairs. Diana: So what? Would you prefer it if we starved him? Tom: I don't believe you're defending him. Diana: I would never defend what he did! But I would make an arguement for what he can do now. I mean, there's a reason the future sent him back with this amazing ability, but forgive me if I sound like, I don't know, you. Tom: No, no, not this time! We're not talking about a criminal. We're not even talking about a murderer. We're talking about genocide, Diana! Maybe the future doesn't have a problem with that, but I do. Diana: So if I don't think the world is better off with a bullet in this guy's head, I'm advocating genocide? Tom: No, but there are people in Rwanda, right now, who have lost Mother's, brother's and children in that clinic and he stood by and he let it happen. Diana: It's just like our government. Just like governments all over the world. They all knew what was happening Tom, but nobody lifted a finger to stop it. Tom: Yeah, that was wrong too and so is this. We've been working on blind faith for a year and a half, assuming these people knew what they were doing, but enough is enough. Yeah, we're saving the future, but we're leaving justice behind. Is it something that you wanna be a part of, Diana? Danny and Kyle are walking on campus. Danny: So Shawn just shows out of nowhere, and all of a sudden I'm just supposed to drop all my plans and get with some peace dinner. I mean, we both know why he's turned up now, right? You don't have to be a shrink to piece it together. His mentor Daddy figure get's killed and he comes crawling back to Mommy. Kyle: Danny, why don't you quit whining about Shawn alright? He's your brother. It's been a year, let it go. Danny: Hey, you're the guy who talked to him and told me how brainwashed he is. Kyle: So he's coming to dinner, that's a good thing, right? At least pretend it is for your Mom's sake. Danny: What's with the attitude, man? Kyle: I just don't wanna hear you bitch anymore, ok? Kyle walks away April is packing and Maia stands watching her Maia: I don't understand. Why do you have to go? Can't you just say you're sorry? April: It doesn't alway's work that way with grown ups. Sometimes things get so messed up that sorry doesn't cut it. It happens a lot when I'm involved, actually. Maia: But if you only just leave, nothing get's better. April walks over and kneels in front of her. April: Sweetie. I'm sorry, I used you. It was wrong. Maia: But I forgive you. April: I still have to go. They hug and April takes her bag and leaves. Shawn, Danny and Susan sit down to dinner. Both Danny and Shawn look uncomfortable. Susan: Well, I know I cooked all day, but is my lasagne really that great you're both just stunned into silence? Shawn: I haven't had this stuff in like, a year? Susan: Good, you said something. Danny, why don't you give it a try. Danny doesn't say anything. Shawn: Alright, you know what, that's it! Danny, this entire night is about you and me. That's why Mom did this. Danny: Yeah? What do you want me to do, say we're all fine and dandy? It's not that easy! Shawn: I don't expect it to be, but you and I obviously have some stuff we need to get into the open. Danny: Ok, so you're gonna apologise to me now. Is that it? Or was I just imagining it when you screwed my girlfriend! Shawn: The thing with Nikki. I wish it wouldn't have happened that way! Danny: What about almost stopping my heart, or whatever it is that you did. You feel bad about that too? Shawn: You know what? You wanna hate me forever, you be my guest! But you're my brother and I came here to make things right by you! What do you want me to do? You need to punch me in the face or something? I mean, be my guest. Danny stands. Susan: Danny, don't you dare! Danny: Just one shot Ma, he deserves it. Look, he's even asking for it. A long silence follows. Shawn: Are we ok? Are we done? Tom and Diana are in Nina's office. Tom: We're letting him walk. He's responsible for hundreds of deaths. Nina: His degree of culpability is not for us to determine. Ok look, I can't ship him off to Rwanda. Not yet anyway. In the meantime, his 48 hour hold is up and the 4400 center has hired lawyers who are pressing for his release. Diana: The press are all over this story. Is he even gonna be safe on the streets? Tom: Yeah, a war criminal's safety, that's my big concern. Nina: Oh, it better be! In exchange for protection, Edwin Mayuya has agreed to continue coming into our labs. Tom: We're babysitting him? Diana: In a chance to study what he can do. This guy could advance genetic research by a hundred years. It sounds like a fair trade to me. Nina: Mmmm Hmmm! A hostile crowd has gathered outside Edwin's home. Tom and Diana are inside with him. Diana: How long have you been feeling faint? Edwin: On and off , perhaps a month. Diana: You should have told your Doctors. Edwin: Don't forget Miss Skouris, I am a doctor, I've been anaemic since I was fifteen. I'm certain..... A bullet smashes through the window. Tom: You ok? Diana: Yeah Tom: Stay with him, I'm going out. Tom runs out of the room. Edwin stands up. Diana: Stay down! Stay down! Stay down! Tom walks outside and strides through the crowd. A police car pulls up and Tom walks over and shows his ID card. Tom: Get these people outta here! I want a patrol car passing by every 20 minutes! Female: Help! Somebody call an ambulance! The elderly black woman from earlier is lying on the ground. Her granddaughter is by her side. Tom: I think she's having a heart attack. Female: He did this to her! Why are you protecting him. He's a murderer! An ambulance later takes the woman away. Diana remains in the apartment with Edwin. Edwin: How did this become public? Diana: Well I assure you, it wasn't NTAC. Edwin: Perhaps if I had gone out and spoken to them earlier, this could have been avoided. Diana: Oh yeah, that would have calmed them down. They could have torn you apart. Edwin: I think I have already demonstrated the lengths I am willing to go in order to live. Tom storms into the room. Tom: You can add another name victim to your list. That woman is dead. Diana: Ok Tom. Why don't you just go back outside, take a walk around the block. Tom: You know why she was out there, huh? Cos this son of a bitch let her son, her daughter in law and about eight of her nephew's and nieces, die. He grabs Edwin and pushes him against the wall. Tom: Isn't that right, Doctor! Isn't that right? Diana: Tom, stop! Stop. Edwin: I regret her death. Same as I regret them all. Tom: Yeah well, I'm sorry you feel bad, but it doesn't change anything, does it? Diana: Tom, enough! Let him go, now! Let him go! Tom backs away. [SCENE_BREAK] The 4400 Center Matthew is on the phone as Shawn looks on. Matthew: Look Benjamin, I don't see what the problem is. Edwin Masinga never killed anybody. Not personally, anyway. I already told you which Senators to call. Get face time if you can. Do I have to fly out there and do this myself? I thought not. Black bear me when things start to tip The call ends. Shawn: Full court press is on. Matthew: I kinda wish I was out there. Cash in a few favours. Watch the hill fall in line. Shawn: You really wanna be cashing in favours for this guy? He say's himself, he's dirty. Matthew: Oh he's worse than dirty. He's practically a mass murderer. Shawn: So why are we wasting our time with him? Somebody might come along who actually deserves our help, Matthew. Matthew: He's a 4400. Guilty or not, he's a part of what we're doing. They gave him that ability for a reason and I doubt it has anything to do with being executed in Rwanda. Shawn: So let's say he didn't come back with an ability. Would we still be fighting the good fight on his behalf? Matthew: You're the boss. You tell me. Shawn looks down at his desk and doesn't seem to have an answer. Diana and Maia are in their apartment. Diana is making breakfast and Maia is sitting on the couch. Diana: Breakfast is ready! You know you're gonna have to start talking to me eventually, right? I seriously doubt that you can hold out till you're 18. She walks into the living room. Maia refuses to look up at her, so she's sits opposite her. Diana: She used you, Maia. Maia: She said she was sorry. Diana: Well, there still has to be consequences. Now your ability is a gift, but it makes you a target too and I have to protect you from people who want to exploit you. Besides, you're not the only one your Aunt April hurt this week. Maia: But I showed her the ring. She wouldn't even have known about it if it weren't for me. Diana: Well, you should never have been playing with it, which is why you don't get any TV this week. What your Aunt did was completely different and she knows it. Maia: She made a bad mistake. Isn't that what having a family's about? Forgiving someone when they make a bad mistake? Diana: It doesn't matter if I forgive her. I just can't have her around you. Maia: But we don't have such a big family. We can't just kick someone out. EVEN if they mess up. Diana: Maia, do me a favour. Stop being more grown up than your Mom. Now just, come one, come on, your cereal's getting mushy. Let's go. Diana returns to the kitchen and Maia follows her. Danny and Kyle are sat on the steps on campus. Danny: I am not kidding you. It was like, the most intense lecture I think I've ever given. He took it like a man, I'll give him that. After that, we ate and we talked a little bit. I'm surprised. It was pretty much ok. Kyle: Good to hear. Danny: I'm glad I went. Ah, you know what that makes you. Right! Kyle isn't really paying attention and is staring into the distance. Kyle: Yeah, I'm a genius. Danny: I don't get it Kyle. Look, you're pissed at me when I tell you that I don't wanna see Shawn. Then I do it and I tell you it went pretty good and all I get is a big shrug. Kyle jumps up. Kyle: Nobody asked you to sit here, Danny. Danny chases after him. Danny: What's going on Kyle? Are you blacking out again? Kyle: Just forget it. Danny: Look, if you don't tell me what's going on, I'll talk to your Dad. Kyle turns around in anger. Kyle: I'm not blacking out, alright? I feel fine. You're not saying a word to my Dad! He pushes Danny hard in the chest. Danny: Yeah? Then tell me why you're walking around like a zombie. Kyle: I can remember now. Some of the things I was doing during those blackouts. I can remember. Danny: Like what? Kyle: I'm in trouble, that's all I can tell you. I'm in big trouble. Danny: Is there anything I can do? Kyle: Help yourself. Stay away from me. Richard visits Lee. He sits in a chair beside the man who is attached to an oxygen tank. Lee notices him. Lee: Got a cigarette? Richard: You have emphysema. Lee: I know I have emphysema. But what I don't have, is a cigarette. Richard: Do you know who I am? Lee: For a second I thought you were the angel of death Richard Tyler. Richard nods. Lee: How was Weinburg's funeral? Richard: Simple. Dignified. Kind of like Milt. Lee: Never did like his politics much. You know, after you disappeared, he blamed me. Fought me once or twice. Course he was wrong. So, what are you here for? Slap me around a little bit? Shut off my oxygen tank? Richard: Nah. You don't make a very appealing target these day's, Lee. Lee: What then? Looking for an apology? Richard: When I first got back, I used to lie awake in quarantine thinking about you. All the things I would do to you if I ever saw you again. Lee: Oh! You want vengeance! Well, sorry to disappoint you. That's not gonna work out either. Time has kicked my ass worse than you ever could. Richard: Time kicks everybody's ass, Lee. Lee: Get you too, eventually. Caught up with old uh, Milt, didn't it, for sure? Richard: At the funeral,those guys were tripping over themselves to say sorry. But you had fifty years to dwell on what you did. Lee: I didn't like hitting a fellow officer, but you gave me cause! I ate beside you, I fought beside you, but when you took up with a white woman, you crossed the line. Richard: That's what you said back then. Lee: I'm saying it again now. Richard: The world's changed Lee, or haven't you noticed? Lee:The world maybe, not me. Richard: And how's that working out for you? Stopped by your room. No cards, no flowers. Lady at the front desk couldn't believe you had a visitor. Lee: You know, I really wish you'd brought some cigarettes. Richard: You always did stick to your habits, Lee. Even after they started to kill you. So long. Richard gets up and walks away. Diana and Tom are looking at some pictures of the atrocities in Rwanda. Tom: They're not just statistics, Diana. He let that happen. Diana: I know what he did and I don't need you to rub my nose in it. Tom: It's worth putting the faces to the numbers. Nina walks in. Nina: We've got a problem. She walks past them and they follow her towards the elevator. Nina: The State Department has decided to fight extradition. They're gonna argue special circumstances. Tom: So Edwin gets a pass? Nina: Who knows how many kids will get a shot at a normal life. Nina: No, not as many as we hoped. Our labs can't even figure out how his ability works. Forget about replicating it. And I just got his med eval. Turns out he's in bad shape. Diana: Well he told me he's anaemic and he couldn't sleep. Nina: No, no, it's worse than that. This ability. Every time he rearranges a foetal chromosome he's damaging his own. Tom: So if he keeps healing... Nina: It's gonna kill him. She gets into the elevator. Danny and Shawn arrive at Kyle's house and sit with him in the living room. Shawn: Listen, if you don't wanna talk about what you did, I'm not gonna try to force you to. But I guarantee you, whatever it is, there's a way out of it. Kyle: That's easy to say. You don't know what it is. Danny: So tell us. How can we help you if we don't know what's going on. Kyle: I didn't ask for help. In fact, I told you not to mention it to anyone, Danny. Shawn: And I'm not anyone. I'm your friend. Kyle: Stop saying that ok? I know you two mean well, but you don't have a goddamn clue what you're talking about, alright? I have to deal with this on my own! Danny: We get it! On your own. Absolutely! We're gonna help you do that! Shawn: I think what he's trying to say is, if you need some time to clear your head and get away from everything so you can figure stuff out, I can make that happen. Come to the center with me, Kyle. Kyle: You're turning this into a recruiting drive? Shawn: That's not what I'm talking about. You'll have the space you need. No-one will bother you. Kyle, if you ever get to the point where you feel like you wanna talk to somebody, we have counsellors, therapists, lawyers. Danny: It's worth a try, man. Cos, whatever you're doing right now, it's not working. Shawn: My car's outside. You can come with me right now, if you want. Kyle: Ok. Just let me...I've got a couple of things to take care of. Get a leave of absence from school. Stuff like that. I'll meet you there tonight. Shawn: And I'll be waiting. Kyle: Ok. Thankyou guys. Tom and Diana visit Edwin at his home. Edwin: How much time do I have left? Diana: Well that's difficult to say. I mean, your genes are mutating every time you heal a foetus. There's an indication of heart disease developing. You have spinal irregularities on your MRI. If you keep healing, maybe a year, maybe less. Edwin: And if I stop? Diana: Oh well, if you stop healing, then there's no reason for the state department to stop the extradition. You'll be handed back to the Rwandan government. Edwin: Who'll have me tried and sentenced without dispatch. So, either choice I make leads to my death. Yes, that's right. It would seem my abductors have quite a perverse sense of humour. I will of course, continue to heal for as long as my body allows. At least then, my death will have a purpose other than vengeance. Diana: You'll have to be monitored by doctors from here on in. They'll try and slow your decline. But you really should come with us, because we have some of the best physicians in the world on the payroll. Edwin: Miss Skouris, if you're offering me a bed at NTAC, I'm afraid I'll have to refuse. I did not pass up one prison so I could die in another. Diana: There is one place you could go. Edwin arrives at the 4400 center. Shawn and the rest of the staff are waiting for him. He walks through the doors with Diana. Diana: NTAC medical's gonna need you five days a week, so I'll get you the schedule. Matthew: I'll make sure he's there on time. Every time. Edwin Musinga, this is Shawn Farrell. He runs the center. You two have a lot in common. Edwin: Not a lot. Just one thing. Shawn: One very important thing. Shawn holds out his hand and Edwin takes it. Diana arrives back at NTAC and finds Tom waiting for her by the elevator. Tom: Did you tell him? Diana: Yeah, he's gonna keep healing. Not that that surprises me. I took him over to the 4400 center. I think he's probably better of there, than he is at home. How does it feel, Tom? Some babies will get saved and you'll get your pound of flesh. Tom: You really wanna know? Diana: I asked you, didn't I? Tom: It feels like justice. He walks away. Richard is in his room, knocking a nail into the wall He picks up a photo of himself and his friends back in the 50's. Diana rushes along a street at night. She walks to a bus shelter and finds April sat on a seat Diana: Hi April: How'd you find me? Diana: Sometimes it's good to have a kid who knows things. What's in Berkley? April: A tattoo shop that likes my work. Diana: Oh. April: Some friends I can force myself on for a while. Listen Di, I said this to Maia, but, I'm so sorry. Diana: Well it's nice to hear, but it doesn't change anything. You are so deceitful and you're so untrustworthy and, well you're not seeing Maia until you've proven otherwise. April: I wish I knew how to make things right. Diana: I wish I did, too. But I do know it's gonna take a long time. But you're still my sister and you're the only one I've got. And I'm uh, well, I'm not giving up on you Diana hands her the engagement ring. April: You bought it back from the pawn shop. Diana: I know you always felt that Mom should have left it to you and to tell you the truth, I thought she only gave it to me because she, well, she figured that was the only way I was ever going to get one of those things. Hmmm. That's a whole other therapy session. April: Di, I don't deserve this. Diana: No you don't, but you're gonna take it anyway. One day, Maia's gonna wear that ring to her wedding and I hope, well, I hope you know each other again by then. April: Yeah. The bus arrives and Diana leaves. April sits on the seat and cries. Tom returns home to find a note from Kyle. Tom: Kyle. Kyle: Dad, I had to leave. I'm sorry. Shawn tries to phone Kyle who hasn't turned up at the center. Shawn: Kyle, it's me. Uh, where are you, man? It's 2am. You're not here yet. Listen, just, when you get this, call me or just show up, ok? Show up. Alright. He puts the phone down and remembers the conversation with Kyle he had earlier in the day. Kyle: I know you two mean well, but you don't have a goddamn clue what you're talking about, alright? I have to deal with this on my own!
Plan: A: atrocities; Q: What is linked to a 4400 with the ability to heal damaged chromosomes in utero? A: NTAC; Q: What organization finds itself in a political cross fire? A: a troubling international political cross fire; Q: What does NTAC find itself in when atrocities are linked to a 4400? A: Richard reunites; Q: What happens to Richard and his Korean War comrades? A: Richard; Q: Which character reunites with aging Korean War comrades? A: Diana; Q: Who accuses April of abusing Maia's power? A: his family; Q: Shawn attempts to mend fences with whom? Summary: When atrocities are linked to a 4400 with the ability to heal damaged chromosomes in utero, NTAC finds itself in a troubling international political cross fire. Elsewhere, Richard reunites with aging Korean War comrades; Diana accuses April of abusing Maia's power; and Shawn attempts to mend fences with his family.
2.12 - Richard in Stars Hollow OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai and Rory have just arrived] LORELAI: Thanks. Man, is it cold out there. RORY: I know, I'm freezing. EMILY: Well, come on in and sit by the fire. I'll make you both a drink and then we can talk. RORY: About what? LORELAI: Antennas up. RORY: Aye aye, captain. [they walk to the living room] EMILY: So Lorelai, how are you? LORELAI: Um, I'm fine Mom. EMILY: Rory? RORY: I'm fine too, Grandma. LORELAI: How are you Mom? EMILY: Also fine. LORELAI: Oh, look at that. All three of us fine, just like the Judds. EMILY: So Lorelai, are you dating? LORELAI: Uh, hm, no, I'm not dating. EMILY: Really? There's no one at all? LORELAI: No, totally single. EMILY: Any chance you'd get back with Max? LORELAI: No Mom, there's no chance. EMILY: What about the man at the diner, the one who refuses to shave? LORELAI: Luke, he's just a friend Mom. EMILY: Do you think you'll be single your entire life? LORELAI: Excuse me? EMILY: I mean, in terms of your finding someone, what do you think the odds are? LORELAI: Okay, what is going on? EMILY: Well, I visited the family mausoleum today. LORELAI: Never what you think it's gonna be! EMILY: I just wanted to check on things, make sure they were keeping it up, changing the flowers, you know. LORELAI: Uh huh. EMILY: So I went inside and looked around and it occurred to me that there's a very limited space there. LORELAI: Oh. EMILY: Now of course there's a slot open for me and Richard and you and Rory, but after the two of you – that's it. No more room for anyone else. LORELAI: Ah. EMILY: Yes. So if you actually do meet someone someday, I don't know where to put him. LORELAI: Well, maybe we could just dump him at the local pool hall. EMILY: Don't be silly. LORELAI: No, because this is definitely not a conversation for that. EMILY: I looked into expanding into the crypt next door but the family that owns it wouldn't even discuss it with me. RORY: I'm getting a little creeped out here. EMILY: So I talked to the head of the cemetery and he suggested that we buy an annex. RORY: An annex? EMILY: Yes. LORELAI: You know, like an outlet store, it would specialize in the irregular family members. EMILY: So if we do get the annex and you do eventually someday get married LORELAI: Mom, just say it – fat chance – will you? EMILY: I just meant that we'll have to decide who to move. LORELAI: Oh, oh. Well, uh. . .ugh, why don't we move Aunt Cecile? She was always so annoying at parties. She loved the knock-knock jokes. RORY: Mom! LORELAI: What? RORY: You can't just kick out Aunt Cecile. LORELAI: Knock-knock. Who's there? Pineapple. Pineapple who? That's where it ended. Never fully grasped the knock-knock concept. EMILY: She was a complete idiot. Okay, it's decided – Cecile goes. LORELAI: Good. RORY: Look - put me in the annex. LORELAI: Unh uh. No way. You are not leaving me alone in there with Cecile. RORY: Well I'm not gonna be held responsible for somebody being kicked out of their eternal resting place. LORELAI: Ooh, I have an idea. I'll probably go first, right? So when Rory kicks, just throw her in with me. RORY: I'd like my own space if you don't mind. LORELAI: Why? It'd totally be fun to be there together. Plus I plan to be buried with all the good CD's and my rock star belt. [Richard comes down the steps] RICHARD: Sorry I'm late. What did I miss? EMILY: We were just discussing who to move to the annex. RICHARD: Oh. I vote for Cecile. Horrible woman, and those terrible jokes. LORELAI: What'd I tell you? RORY: This is a cold, cold family. [Opening Credits] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Later that night, Lorelai, Rory, Richard, and Emily are at the table eating dinner.] LORELAI: This is really good. RORY: Yeah, what is it? EMILY: Well, it -. LORELAI: No, don't tell us. RORY: Why not? LORELAI: Because every time in my life that I've tasted something great but I didn't know what it was, it turned out to be something really disgusting that had I known what I was eating I never would've tried it in the first place. RORY: Example? LORELAI: Snails. RORY: Gross. LORELAI: Eat in ignorance and enjoy it, my friend. RORY: Gladly. LORELAI: So Dad, how's the retired life treating you? RICHARD: Well, fascinating actually. I find myself noticing things, everyday things that I must've witnessed a hundred times before but just walked right past. Like yesterday, your mother moved a vase, the one in the hall, and she didn't do it in front of me. LORELAI: Oh no, ‘cause nice girls never move vases in front of men. RICHARD: And she only moved it a little but as I passed it by I noticed it had been moved. RORY: Impressive. RICHARD: And every day's a new discovery. Your mother changed her hair. Or she wore shoes that didn't match her purse. EMILY: Richard. RICHARD: Last Thursday. EMILY: Oh, for heaven's sake. RICHARD: You know what else I noticed? RORY: What? RICHARD: A first edition Flaubert, mint condition, shoved behind several of my Churchill biographies. RORY: No! RICHARD: Interested? RORY: My life is good. RICHARD: Follow me. LORELAI: Ooh Dad, see if you can find a pair of the new Chanel patent leather pirate boots stuffed back behind your Churchills. RICHARD: Hmm. [Richard and Rory leave the room] LORELAI: What's up Mom? EMILY: Nothing's up. LORELAI: You were twitching. I saw you. EMILY: You did not see me twitching. LORELAI: Mom, when Dad was talking about the vase, you were pulling a full-on Tabitha. EMILY: I did not pull a Tabitha. LORELAI: Something wrong? EMILY: No, nothing's wrong. LORELAI: Hm, okay, nothing's wrong. EMILY: It's just that things are a little strange lately. LORELAI: What is? EMILY: Having him home. LORELAI: Ah. EMILY: We've never really been home at the same time. I mean, we got married, we went to Europe, we came back, he went to work, and it's been that way ever since. LORELAI: Well, so now it's different. EMILY: It's very different. He's always here – watching me and noticing when I move a vase and. . .I don't know. It's silly. So he noticed my hair was different. Women die for that sort of thing. LORELAI: Aw Mom, it's just an adjustment. You've had your routine, he's had his routine. You guys just need to figure out a new routine. EMILY: I guess so. LORELAI: Yeah, it'll just take some time. Then you'll find your rhythm and he'll go back to ignoring your hair, all will be well. EMILY: Yes, you're probably right. LORELAI: Mm, I am right. Okay, I give. What is this? EMILY: Sweetbreads. LORELAI: Sweetbreads. So that's uh. . . EMILY: Pancreas. CUT TO CHILTON [At a meeting of the Franklin, Paris is going through a stack of stories that people have submitted.] PARIS: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. RORY: Paris. PARIS: I'm not done. RORY: Sorry. PARIS: No. LOUISE: Glad she finished that one. PARIS: Why am I the only one who cares? RORY: You're not the only one who cares. PARIS: No. I know you care, but I need everyone in this stupid room to care because I can't be the only one to care. Besides you. LOUISE: It's just a contest Paris. It's not like you get a car or a lifetime supply of Rice a Roni. MADELINE: God, I love that stuff. PARIS: The Oppenheimer Award for Excellence in school journalism is not a contest. It's a statement. It says you're the best. The best writers, the best reporters, the best editors. It says that you have crushed all others who have dared to take you on. It says that every other single school in the United States of America is feeling nothing but shame and defeat and pain because of the people who won the Oppenheimer plaque. I wanna be those people, I wanna cause that pain. RORY: Our paper is good. PARIS: Not good enough. RORY: Last week's issue - . PARIS: Was a fine effort by a bunch of kids. MADELINE: We are a bunch of kids. PARIS: Not when we're in this room, we're not. Flescher Prep Gazette, Broadmouth Banner, Richmond Heights Chronicle - these publications are not our competition. LOUISE: Geez. PARIS: The New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Post - these publications are our competition. MADELINE: Paris has gone bye-bye. PARIS: We need to raise the bar. We need to be better, think harder, dig deeper. I don't wanna just submit a good issue. I wanna submit a great issue, the best issue. RORY: When's the deadline? PARIS: One week from today. RORY: Okay, so, then we better get brainstorming. Doe anyone have an idea for a theme? PARIS: Yes. RORY: What? PARIS: The one that wins. RORY: Okay, good, big help. All right everyone, we should get working. You're going to give yourself a stroke one of these days, you know that. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Emily walks through the hall into the living room.] EMILY: Graciela, I'm leaving the shopping list on the table here. And remember we need the low sudsing detergent. I have drawn a picture of what the box looks like, so for heaven's sake pay attention this time. [Richard walks in] EMILY: How was your walk? RICHARD: Carl Lambertson needs a new roof. I'm going to drop him a note. EMILY: Good idea. RICHARD: Busy day? EMILY: Mm, very. RICHARD: Is that the same cup of coffee you had when I left? EMILY: What? RICHARD: When I left an hour ago, you were having a cup of coffee. EMILY: Oh, no, this is a different cup of coffee. RICHARD: So then that's your third cup of coffee this morning? EMILY: I guess. RICHARD: Interesting. I just realized you have three cups of coffee in the morning. EMILY: I don't drink three cups of coffee every morning. RICHARD: Every morning this week. EMILY: Well, so what? RICHARD: Nothing. Just an observation, that's all. That's a lot of coffee to drink early in the morning. EMILY: Any thoughts on what you'd like for dinner tonight? RICHARD: Oh no, anything's fine. EMILY: All right. [writes something down in her day planner] RICHARD: What are you writing down? EMILY: Lamb chops. RICHARD: Is that for tonight? EMILY: Yes. RICHARD: Oh. EMILY: Do you not want lamb chops tonight? RICHARD: Oh, no no, lamb chops is just fine for tonight. I just thought a nice roast would also be nice for a change. EMILY: Roast it is. RICHARD: Of course, if you want lamb chops EMILY: We're having roast, Richard. RICHARD: Okay, if that's what you want. EMILY: I'm going by the dry cleaners, anything you want me to drop off? RICHARD: You're going to the dry cleaners? EMILY: Yes. RICHARD: Well I'll go with you. EMILY: I can bring in whatever you have. RICHARD: I know, but it'd be nice to go together. EMILY: That would be terribly romantic, but I won't have time to get back here before my DAR meeting so it's probably better if I go alone. You can come to the cleaners with me next week. RICHARD: Well yes, well I can go to the meeting with you. EMILY: You want to go to my meeting of the Daughters of the American Revolution? RICHARD: Well, well yes, I think it'd be fascinating. EMILY: But I go straight from there to the symphony luncheon. RICHARD: Well, I'll tag along there too. EMILY: Yes, but from there I get my hair done, and you certainly don't want to sit around while I have my hair done. RICHARD: No, I don't. EMILY: There you go. RICHARD: Well, you can cancel that. EMILY: I can't cancel that. I get my hair done every Wednesday at three. RICHARD: Well, your hair looks fine. EMILY: My hair looks fine because I have my hair done every Wednesday at three. RICHARD: Well then what am I going to do? EMILY: Why don't you go to the club? RICHARD: What? EMILY: Yes, the club! You spend a fortune to belong there and you never got to go much before. Why don't you go there now? RICHARD: Go to the club on a Wednesday afternoon? EMILY: I think it would be perfect. RICHARD: I don't even know what they do at the club on a Wednesday afternoon. EMILY: No time like the present to find out. RICHARD: All right, I'll go to the club. EMILY: Wonderful. [starts walking him to the front door] RICHARD: Go to the club on a Wednesday afternoon. Life certainly is an interesting game of cards, isn't it? EMILY: It certainly is. RICHARD: Well, um, I'll see you, uh, tonight. EMILY: Have a good time. [closes door] Graciela, I need more coffee now! CUT TO STARS HOLLOW VIDEO [Rory and Lorelai walk around the video store trying to decide on a movie] LORELAI: How about a triple feature? Three Days of the Condor, Shoah and The Jerk? RORY: Uh, Shoah's like nine and a half hours. LORELAI: But The Jerk is short. RORY: Hmm, next. LORELAI: The three faces of Costner – Bull Durham, Dances with Wolves, The Postman. Tom Petty playing Tom Petty, that great big speech about ‘Once upon a time there was a thing called mail.' It'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry, it'll make you wanna mail something. RORY: Ooh, we could do a Ruth Gordon film festival. Harold and Maude, Rosemary's Baby, and that really great episode of Taxi. LORELAI: Got it. The worst film festival ever. Cool as Ice, Hudson Hawk, and Electric Bugaloo. RORY: Sold. LORELAI: I'll get the Hawk. RORY: I'll get the Bugaloo. [Rory leans down to look through the shelf of videos. Two boys are sitting on the floor looking at a movie box.] BOY 1: See, I told you. BOY 2: Wow. RORY: Hey guys, can I get in there? BOY 1: Oh, yeah. [both boys walk away] [Rory finds the movie and stands back up] LORELAI: Got it, plus four boxes of Red Vines. RORY: Let's go. LORELAI: Hi Kirk. KIRK: Evening Lorelai. LORELAI: Um, I forgot my card at home but I think my number's 6247. KIRK: You forgot your card? LORELAI: I might've lost it. KIRK: You lost your card? LORELAI: I might have. KIRK: Was it temporary or laminated? LORELAI: Laminated. KIRK: That's a permanent card. You lost a permanent card. LORELAI: You can just get me a new card Kirk. KIRK: Fine, but I hope you understand the gravity of the situation here. LORELAI: I'm trying to grasp it. KIRK: I mean, these cards are agreements. It's an agreement between you and the Stars Hollow Video Store stating that you will take care of your card, that you will honor your card, that you will very, very nice to your card... [Lorelai's cell phone is ringing] LORELAI: Kirk. KIRK: I'll be right back. LORELAI: Thanks. [answers phone] Hello? Hello? [to Rory] Reception sucks in here, I'll be right back. RORY: Okay. LORELAI: Hello? [walks away] KIRK: It'll be ready in a minute. RORY: Hey Kirk, there are a couple of little kids over there and they're, uh, looking at this tape cover that's kind of mature. You might wanna put that stuff on a higher shelf or something. KIRK: Mature? How mature? RORY: Uh, it's a half-naked woman just standing there. KIRK: Is she a blonde? RORY: What? KIRK: I'll check it out right now. [walks away] CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai walks out of the video store to talk on the phone] LORELAI: Hey Mom, I can hear you now. What's up? EMILY: You have to take your father. LORELAI: What? EMILY: Tomorrow, for the whole day, just take him. LORELAI: Take him where? EMILY: I don't care -- the zoo, the mall, Rhode Island, just get him out of my house! LORELAI: What happened? EMILY: He's going to join my water aerobics class. LORELAI: What? EMILY: He bought some new swim trunks today. He's out of control. LORELAI: Okay, Mom, calm down. EMILY: I can't calm down! I can't turn around without him being there, following me, staring at me. LORELAI: Well, he likes you. EMILY: Don't be cute, do not be cute. The man is driving me insane. I am going to go insane, and if you don't help me, I will take you with me. LORELAI: Okay, Mom, I would like to help you but wh --. EMILY: You owe me! LORELAI: What? EMILY: I pay for Rory's school! LORELAI: Are you serious? EMILY: And I cosigned your loan! You still have a house because of me! LORELAI: Are you hearing yourself? EMILY: I'm sorry but I'm desperate. I just need one day of peace and I will do anything to get it, anything. LORELAI: Okay Mom, fine, uh, I'll take him. EMILY: I can't tell you how much I appreciate this. RICHARD: [calls from another room] Emily! Where are you? EMILY: I have to go. Tomorrow morning. LORELAI: Tomorrow morning. Bye. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Rory is in her bedroom getting ready for school as Lorelai walks in.] LORELAI: Oh my God, the most horrible thing just happened. Headmaster Charleston's office called, he's been kidnapped! Two guys broke into his house and threw him in a hefty bag, used those twisty ties and carted him off. Classes have been canceled until further notice. RORY: I am going to school Mom. LORELAI: Rory, come on, it's just one day. I'll write you a note. ‘Dear Nazis, Rory had to miss school today on account of saving her mom from spending the entire day with her father who often looks at her like she has three heads.' RORY: Out of my way please. LORELAI: Do you know the last time my father and I were alone together for any extended period of time? RORY: Unh uh. LORELAI: I was kicked out of summer class for refusing to call the camp counselor Peaches because I thought the entire concept of the counselors choosing summer fruit names was stupid. So they called my dad and he came to get me and it was just the two of us alone in the car all the way from Maine with nothing to talk about but my camp failure. Luckily I had also flashed the swim team or even that subject would've gotten stale. RORY: Mom, I have the Franklin today. I cannot miss it. LORELAI: Rory, please. I can't handle the entire day with him. I can't, I can't, I caaaaan't. RORY: Mom, I promise. Just make it till the afternoon, and then I promise I'll come right home and I'll take Grandpa off your hands. LORELAI: All right. RORY: It'll be fine. LORELAI: It is not going to be fine. It's going to be horrible. It is going to be a bad, depressing Lifetime movie and Nancy McKeon will be playing me. I am Jo. [the doorbell rings] LORELAI: And that would be him. RORY: It's not going to be that bad. Hey. Be nice. LORELAI: Be nice. RORY: Oh, very good. [they answer the front door, Richard is standing there] LORELAI: Hi Dad. RORY: Hey Grandpa. RICHARD: Good morning girls. LORELAI: Did you have any trouble getting here? RICHARD: Not at all, the directions were fine. RORY: Well I have to be going, but I'll see you this afternoon. RICHARD: I look forward to it. RORY: Have fun. [leaves] LORELAI: So good drive, huh? RICHARD: Very good. LORELAI: Oh, here. [takes Richard's coat] Would you like some coffee? RICHARD: I'm fine. Do you want coffee? LORELAI: Oh yes, God yes, thank you. [They walk into the kitchen] LORELAI: So you sure you don't, um. . . RICHARD: Coffee? Uh, no, no, no, no. LORELAI: Well, uh, can I offer you anything else? Some Pop Tarts or. . .well, that's pretty much it. RICHARD: You don't have to entertain me Lorelai. I just came here to see you and your house and your town. You don't have to do anything special for me. LORELAI: But you're my guest. RICHARD: No, I'm your father. Just do whatever it is you would normally do. LORELAI: What I would normally do. RICHARD: Yes. Like for instance, this morning if I wasn't here, you would wake up, obviously get some coffee and. . .then what? LORELAI: Well, um, I'd probably read the paper for a little while and then have some breakfast. RICHARD: Let's read the paper then. LORELAI: Okay, let's read the paper. [they sit down at the table] Um, what sections would you like? RICHARD: Oh, you go first. I'll take what's left. LORELAI: Oh, okay. Well, um, normally I read the Arts and Leisure and the Lifestyles. RICHARD: Perfect. Well, that leaves Business, Sports, and World News. LORELAI: Oh. That worked out well. RICHARD: Yes it did, didn't it? CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai and Richard walk in] LORELAI: Well, this is it, Luke's. RICHARD: You know, when I was in college, there was this horrible little diner across from my apartment building. It was run by this terrible little couple, they were very angry. They would fight, break plates, curse, and I went in there every morning for three years and I had the most dreadful breakfast, just awful. I really miss that place. LUKE: Morning. LORELAI: Hey. Um, Luke, you remember my father? LUKE: Oh yeah, nice to see you again. RICHARD: Nice to see you. This is quite a place you've got here. LUKE: It pays the bills. RICHARD: Always a plus in business. LORELAI: Dad, do you know what you want? RICHARD: Oh, I already ate. LORELAI: You did? When? RICHARD: Oh, I had breakfast at home. I get up at 5:30 every morning. LORELAI: Wow. Why? RICHARD: Well I've gotten up at 5:30 for as long as I can remember. LORELAI: Yeah, but that was when you had to work. Now you can afford to get a little crazy, get up at quarter to six. RICHARD: Go ahead and order Lorelai. LORELAI: Okay. I'll have a banana, pancakes, side of bacon, and lots and lots of coffee. LUKE: Coming right up. [walks away] RICHARD: You didn't order any grapefruit. LORELAI: Yeah, I don't really like grapefruit. RICHARD: Oh, I always start my breakfast off with half a grapefruit. LORELAI: Hm, do the Florida people know about you? Because Anita Bryant left this huge gap that has yet to be filled. RICHARD: It's important to start the day off correctly, Lorelai. A grapefruit is brain food. It has vitamin C and folic acid and it helps with your digestion. It really is a terrific fruit. LORELAI: I feel like you're about to break into song. RICHARD: I'm serious about this Lorelai. LORELAI: I know you are but I still don't like grapefruit. RICHARD: Well, there are many things in life that we don't like, but the benefits they bring us far outweigh the temporary discomforts we have to endure. LORELAI: Okay. Hold on a sec. [Lorelai walks up to Luke at the counter] LORELAI: Hey, I need a grapefruit. LUKE: What? LORELAI: Yeah. Before my pancakes this morning I need half a grapefruit, uh, preferably one that tastes like a donut. LUKE: I don't have grapefruit. LORELAI: How can you not have grapefruit? LUKE: I've never had grapefruit. LORELAI: I need a grapefr. . .Listen, I have my father with me all day, and so far there's been no major drama or yelling or ugliness but there will be if I don't somehow find a way to get half a grapefruit for breakfast this morning. LUKE: I could go next door to Doose's and buy a grapefruit. LORELAI: I would be eternally grateful. LUKE: I'll be right back. LORELAI: Thank you. [Lorelai walks back to the table] LORELAI: Okay, the grapefruit is coming. RICHARD: Oh, you won't be sorry. LORELAI: So listen, I was thinking, um, maybe after we're done here, you might like to walk around town a little, see the sites. And then Rory usually gets home around four. The two of you can hang out at the house until I get off work and the three of us can hook up for dinner. How does that sound? RICHARD: Very sensible. LORELAI: Well yeah, I had to make up for my shoes. RICHARD: Is that your second cup of coffee? LORELAI: Uh, third. Why? RICHARD: No reason. That's a lot of coffee first thing in the morning. CUT TO CHILTON [Rory is at her locker. She slams it shut and finds Paris standing there.] RORY: Okay, you have got to stop doing that. PARIS: So I've been doing some research on the Oppenheimer Award, and I've noticed something. All of the winning schools had an extremely strong human interest story on page one. RORY: Okay. PARIS: And I think that's what we need. I mean, we've got the teen issues down, we've got a decent op-ed and political page, but human interest – that's what we're missing. RORY: Ideas? PARIS: Yes. RORY: Do tell. PARIS: According to the papers, there's been a huge increase in the number of families fleeing the major cities in favor of small towns. Hundreds of thousands of city slicking yuppies carting the trophy wife and the asthmatic kids off to small towns in search of the simple life. Milk a cow, pet a pig, find yourself, all that kind of crap. RORY: Interesting. PARIS: Yeah, and I thought about it. There's a romantic aspect to small towns. White picket fences, low crime rate, smaller classrooms, better tomatoes. It all seems perfect. RORY: But? PARIS: But nothing is perfect, nothing is safe, nothing is ever what it seems. And then it hit me - our story. We are going to blow the lid off the seedy underbelly of small town life, starting with yours. RORY: Stars Hollows? PARIS: Yes. RORY: You are going to uncover the seedy underbelly of Stars Hollow? PARIS: Yes. RORY: Paris, Stars Hollow doesn't have a seedy underbelly. We don't even have a meter maid. PARIS: Look, you may be blind to it because you live there, but trust me, it's there and it's ugly and I'm going to find it. I'll meet you out front after school. RORY: I can't today. PARIS: Why not? Are you hiding something? RORY: No. I promised my mom that I would help her with something. PARIS: Well, help her tomorrow. We have work to do. RORY: Paris! PARIS: Hey, this could be our chance to nail this thing. Now I have a hunch that there's a story here and a good one, and I'm going to find it. I was even going to share a byline with you on it, but if you wanna bail out, that's fine. I'll just do it myself. RORY: But -. PARIS: Am I meeting you or not? RORY: I don't think you're gonna find anything. PARIS: Well, then the worst that can happen is that I spend some time in your town and suddenly have an urge to enter a pie in the county fair. I'll meet you out front, don't be late. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Michel is at the front desk on the phone as Lorelai walks over] MICHEL: As soon as I can, I will send someone up. . . Yes, I will. . .I understand. . .I understand. . .I understand. . .I understand. . .I understand. . . Okay. . .I understand. Goodbye. [hangs up] LORELAI: What do you understand? MICHEL: I have no idea. I tuned him out at the first screech. LORELAI: Have we heard from Manny yet? MICHEL: No, and I have paged him twice. LORELAI: We only have enough linen for one seating tonight. Hand me the phone. MICHEL: Plus we are completely out of clean towels. LORELAI: [oh phone] Hi, Sophie, it's Lorelai. I need to talk to Manny. . . Well, when will he be back? . . . Okay, I need him to call me really, really soon, like five minutes ago. Okay, thanks. [hangs up] We need a backup plan. MICHEL: Mm hmm. LORELAI: Call Patty's and see if she has any party rental tablecloths we can use for tonight and then pull all the towels from the pool and call Gandolfi's and order a case of champagne. Send a bottle to every room that's towel-less and just page him every two minutes and oh no! [sees Richard walk into the inn] RICHARD: Hi. LORELAI: Hi Dad, what are you doing? Uh, I thought you were gonna tour the town. RICHARD: Oh, I did, I did. I went into all the stores, the cat one twice. And then I walked around a little and then I was done. LORELAI: But what about the park – did you see the park? RICHARD: Yes, I saw the park. LORELAI: Uh, what about the giant slinky over on Klump? We're mighty proud of that. RICHARD: I saw the slinky, yes. And the hundred-year-old oak tree and the life-size yarn person. I even stopped by your house and had Babette introduce me to all of her gnomes. LORELAI: Oh. RICHARD: And then I realized the only thing I had not seen is my daughter at work. LORELAI: Oh, well, watching me at work is not very interesting, trust me. RICHARD: Oh, you underestimate yourself. LORELAI: Okay, well, um, there's books on the shelves over there. RICHARD: No no, I have my newspaper, I'm fine. LORELAI: All right, I'm just gonna. . . what's the matter? RICHARD: Is your jacket in the back? LORELAI: My jacket? RICHARD: Your work jacket? LORELAI: I don't have a work jacket. RICHARD: So that's your working outfit? LORELAI: Yeah. RICHARD: And your boss doesn't mind? LORELAI: Oh, well considering my boss is me, no, she doesn't. I mean, she did at first but then I bought her a cup of coffee and I realized all the hostility she was expressing toward me was just jealousy and we've been best friends ever since. Just take a seat Dad. [walks to the front desk] Hey, will you get me an extra bottle of champagne and smack me over the head with it? MICHEL: Absolutely. [phone rings] LORELAI: [answers] Independence Inn. RORY: I need you to sit down, breathe, and remember that you're at work, so screaming and crying is not an option. LORELAI: Why, what are you doing? RORY: I can't meet you after school today. LORELAI: What? You promised. RORY: I know but I have to work on this story for the Franklin and I swear I tried to get out of it, but I couldn't. LORELAI: Oh great. RORY: I'm sorry. LORELAI: Oh no, school comes before Mommy's mental health. RORY: Just tell Grandpa to wander around for awhile. LORELAI: He already wandered. RORY: Did he see the slinky? LORELAI: Yes, he saw the slinky. RORY: Wow. LORELAI: He's here now. RORY: Oh. LORELAI: And he hates my shirt. RORY: Give him a book and have Sookie make him lunch and I swear I'll be home by dinner and you won't have to say a word. LORELAI: Okay, bye. CUT TO STARS HOLLOW BUS STOP [Rory and Paris get off of the bus] PARIS: I think I got rabies. RORY: It's just a bus, Paris. PARIS: It smelled. RORY: It smelled like a bus. PARIS: I'm gonna have to burn my clothes when I get home. RORY: You know Paris, you have a car. We could've driven. PARIS: We have to get the feel of the small town world. You're not going to get the feel of a small town world in a BMW. Is there something crawling in my hair? RORY: All right, so we're here now, where do you wanna go? PARIS: I don't know, where's the bad part of town? RORY: Uhh, over there. PARIS: What? RORY: Uh, people - they're very upset with the color of that fence. PARIS: Come on. RORY: This is the town Paris, this is it. It's not seedy, it's not rundown, it's just Stars Hollow. PARIS: Well, where's the local bar? RORY: In Woodbridge. PARIS: Why aren't you helping? RORY: I'm trying, you're just looking for something that's not here. PARIS: What's this? RORY: Luke's Diner. PARIS: Diner. Okay, good, good. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO INSIDE LUKE'S [Paris and Rory walk in and sit at the counter. Paris starts looking at a menu.] RORY: What are you doing? PARIS: Trying just to blend in, fade away, observe. LUKE: Hey Rory. Coffee? RORY: Thanks Luke. LUKE: Who's your friend? RORY: Angela Landsbury. LUKE: Oh. PARIS: You're the owner here? LUKE: Yup. You want some coffee Angela? PARIS: No thanks. LUKE: Okay. PARIS: So, you run the diner, huh? RORY: Oh boy. PARIS: You get a lot of truckers through here? LUKE: Truckers? PARIS: Yeah. You know, guys on the road for weeks, lonely, looking for company, a little pick me up. Things like that. LUKE: What's she talking about? RORY: Your guess is as good as mine. PARIS: It's pretty common knowledge that diners are breeding grounds for prostitution and drug dealers. LUKE: What? PARIS: Have you ever seen anything like that going down here? LUKE: Have I ever. . . PARIS: What about that guy over there? What's his story? LUKE: Reverend Nichols? PARIS: Reverend Nichols, huh? What is that, like Dr. Feelgood? LUKE: Rory, how much do you like this person? RORY: Do what you gotta do, Luke. [Jess comes down the steps into the diner] PARIS: Hey, where'd he come from? What's up there? Is that where you keep the girls? You got yourself a little cathouse up there? JESS: Wow, I think she got you Uncle Luke. You better give up now. LUKE: Do not add to this insanity. JESS: An innocent boy like me should not be raised in an atmosphere like this. LUKE: Jess! JESS: I wanna be good, life's just not letting me. LUKE: Rory, get her out of here. RORY: Okay, let's go. [pulls Paris towards the door] PARIS: Why do you need me to leave? What have you got to hide? RORY: Paris, let's go! CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Lorelai and Michel are at the front desk, each talking on a phone] MICHEL: Yes, we're aware of it. LORELAI: Yes, we're working on it. MICHEL: As soon as towels arrive, yours will be the first room we come up to. LORELAI: I swear to you, no one gets a towel before you do. MICHEL: Did you get the complimentary champagne we sent you? LORELAI: Just open the champagne and drink and relax and enjoy and before you know it – of course it's free. Yes. MICHEL: Yeah, we'll call you soon. [hangs up] LORELAI: We'll talk to you soon. [hangs up] I'm killing Manny. MICHEL: I'm helping. LORELAI: I'm gonna strangle him with one of his own towels, I swear to God. RICHARD: Lorelai? LORELAI: Yeah Dad? RICHARD: Do you realize there are no tablecloths in the dining room? LORELAI: Yes I do. We're having a problem with our linen delivery. RICHARD: Well, it doesn't look very professional. MICHEL: [in background] Ah, it's Manny. LORELAI: Okay, I have to take this dad. [Michel hands her the phone] LORELAI: Manny, my mysterious man, where have you been? . . . Oh, me Manny? I'm just a desperate woman. Yes. Honey, I know you're up to your ears in problems but I have to have some towels or linens or I'm gonna be lying on the street talking about the pretty inn I used to work at and you don't want that do you? . . . Well, just, anything you can do to get me through the night. . . Uh, Manny, I love you. You rock. I am devoted to you. I'm never gonna look at another towel without thinking of you. . . Thank you. Bye Stud. [hangs up] He'll be here in twenty minutes. RICHARD: Lorelai? LORELAI: Yes Dad? RICHARD: May I speak to you for a moment please? MICHEL: Someone is in trouble. LORELAI: Uh, is something wrong Dad? RICHARD: Was that a business call I just overheard there? LORELAI: Oh, that was my linen delivery guy. RICHARD: So it was a business call? LORELAI: Yes, it was a business call. RICHARD: And that's how you handle a business call? LORELAI: I've known Manny for ten years, Dad. RICHARD: I don't care how long you've known him. You never talk to a business associate like that, especially not one that you employ. LORELAI: Okay Dad. RICHARD: These people have to respect you. LORELAI: He does respect me. RICHARD: You were flirting with him. LORELAI: I said what I needed to say in order to get the linen before somebody else did. And I did, so I won. RICHARD: This is not about winning, this is about proper procedure. You need to listen to me Lorelai. If there is one thing I know about, it is the correct way to conduct yourself in a position of authority. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you? LORELAI: Mm hmm. RICHARD: Because I'm only telling you this for your own good. LORELAI: Mm hmm. RICHARD: All right, go back to work. I'll be right here if you need me. LORELAI: Okie dokie. CUT TO OUTSIDE [Rory and Paris are walking down the sidewalk] PARIS: Nothing, not even a cigarette butt on the ground, I can't believe it. This town would make Frank Capra wanna throw up. RORY: Sorry, I tried to tell you. PARIS: I know. I know, it's just. . .I was just so sure. RORY: We'll think of something else to write about, I promise. PARIS: We're going to lose. RORY: We're not going to lose. [As they walk past the video store, Taylor and Kirk walk out.] TAYLOR: There she is, the girl of the moment. RORY: Me? TAYLOR: You, young lady, are my hero. RORY: Why is that Taylor? TAYLOR: Because in this day and age when the kids are willy nilly with their clothes and hair and morals, it is heartwarming to see a sensible girl like you still exists. A girl who has the gumption and the guts to stand up and say, ‘why are we allowing this trash out where all our children can see it?' KIRK: And a few selected adults also. RORY: What are you talking about? TAYLOR: Well, come on in and see for yourself. CUT TO INSIDE VIDEO STORE RORY: What happened? Where is everything? TAYLOR: Well, thanks to your brilliant suggestion, they are all safely stashed behind the Rory Curtain. RORY: The what? KIRK: We thought it was only fitting to name it after you. RORY: No! I don't want a Rory Curtain, I never asked for a Rory Curtain! TAYLOR: You told me to put that movie where the kids couldn't see it. PARIS: You did? RORY: Well, yeah, but I just meant to put it on a higher shelf, not to get fabric involved. TAYLOR: Oh, this is much better than a higher shelf. Now all the movies that we deem objectionable will be safely hidden from the eyes of the children. Plus, it'll make the adults think twice before they go back there. RORY: No, I did not mean to do this! What are you doing? PARIS: This is it. RORY: This is what? PARIS: Our story. Censorship in a small town, it's perfect. RORY: Paris, stop it. You know I don't believe in censorship. PARIS: Even better, small town minds run amok. This is genius, it's gold. We're going to win. Now Taylor? TAYLOR: Yes? PARIS: On the record, how long have you been working here? CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai walks through the front door followed by Richard.] LORELAI: Rory, we're home! RICHARD: Next time, stop the car completely before you get out. LORELAI: Rory, for the love of God, be home! RORY: I'm here, sorry! I was on the phone. How was your – [Lorelai grabs Rory and hugs her tightly] Ooh, okay. LORELAI: I don't think I've ever loved you quite as much as I love you right now. RORY: Ah, ribs cracking, organs crushing. LORELAI: Yeah, well, love hurts. [walks past Rory towards the kitchen] RORY: Hey Grandpa. RICHARD: Oh, lovely to see you Rory. RORY: How was your day? RICHARD: It was very pleasant. RORY: I heard you saw Mom in action. LORELAI: Oh yes he did. RORY: She's great, isn't she? RICHARD: She's. . uh, spirited. LORELAI: Spirited. RORY: Spirited is nice. Hey, let's talk dinner. How about Chinese? LORELAI: Very spirited food. RORY: Grandpa, do you like Chinese food? RICHARD: If prepared properly, yes, I like it very much. LORELAI: I'll go call Al's. [walks into kitchen] RICHARD: Al's? RORY: Al's Pancake World. RICHARD: [follows Lorelai into the kitchen] I thought you said we were having Chinese food. LORELAI: Al's has the best egg fu yung in Stars Hollow. RICHARD: Is that, um, saying anything? LORELAI: Rory, come entertain your Grandpa while your spirited Mommy orders please! RORY: Hey Grandpa, do you um. . .do you wanna see my room? RICHARD: Yes, I would. RORY: Okay. [Richard walks into Rory's room.] LORELAI: Twenty bucks if you lock him in there. RORY: Thirty if you chill. CUT TO INSIDE RORY'S BEDROOM [Richard is looking at Rory's bookshelf as Rory walks in] RICHARD: Interesting. RORY: What are you doing? RICHARD: Oh, there are some holes in your collection here and I'm just making a list to fill them. RORY: Oh, well these aren't all of my books. RICHARD: Oh? [Rory shows him several stacks of books under her bed] RICHARD: Oh my goodness! RORY: And. . . [opens two drawers filled with books] RICHARD: Ah, well possibly I should concentrate on acquiring you a bookcase first. RORY: That's okay. I kind of like my system. RICHARD: Ah, organized chaos? RORY: Exactly. RICHARD: Very well, carry on. Well, I'm glad not to see any death rockers on your walls. RORY: Grandpa, where did you learn the term death rockers? RICHARD: Well, I'm not entirely unfamiliar with the music world in which you live. RORY: I don't exactly live in the death rock world, Grandpa. RICHARD: Good. RORY: But if I do move there, I will send you a card. RICHARD: Oh, I appreciate that. Ah, Harvard. RORY: Yeah. We started the obsession board a few years ago. And then when we took that trip to Harvard, the student store was having a two for one flag sale, so that kind of sent us into the final stage of the psychosis. Hospitals were called, medications were prescribed, there is no cure. [Lorelai walks in with a notepad] LORELAI: Okay, I made the menu for the evening. RICHARD: My God. RORY: Looks good. RICHARD: Who could eat all that food? LORELAI: I almost added the garlic chicken. RORY: Add it. RICHARD: There are only three of us. LORELAI: Yes, but we like choices. RORY: Let's call, I'm starved. [they walk into the kitchen] RICHARD: Lorelai, you cannot order all of that food. You're teaching your daughter wastefulness and gluttony. LORELAI: Um Dad, we do this all the time. We order way too much and then we eat like a third of it and live off the leftovers for a week and a half. It's a finely honed system. Now please, just sit and read something or watch TV. RICHARD: So I uh. . .I noticed all the Harvard paraphernalia in Rory's room. LORELAI: Oh yeah. RICHARD: You know, you might not want to get her settled on one specific college quite so soon. LORELAI: Why not? RICHARD: Well, she's young. She hasn't investigated her options. LORELAI: Dad, she wants to go to Harvard. RICHARD: Well yes, because she thinks you want her to go to Harvard. LORELAI: I do. RICHARD: Well, there are a lot of other good schools out there. You know I went to Yale. LORELAI: Yes, I do know. RICHARD: Yale is a very fine school, some might argue a better school than Harvard. LORELAI: Some meaning you? RICHARD: I just think Rory should explore it, and I can make some phone calls and set up an appointment. LORELAI: No. RICHARD: Why not? LORELAI: Because she wants to go to Harvard. RICHARD: But that's ridiculous. Who's going to help her get into Harvard? LORELAI: Reese Witherspoon. RICHARD: I am a Yale alumnus. I give a great deal of money to that school. Getting her in will be a breeze. LORELAI: We don't like breezes, they mess up our hair. RICHARD: Do not be petulant Lorelai. LORELAI: Do not pick a fight with me Dad. RICHARD: This is not about you, this is about Rory. LORELAI: No, this is about Richard interfering. RICHARD: Now please, just let me handle this. I know more about the Ivy League system than you do. [a horn honks from outside] LORELAI: This is not about the - . RORY: Is that the food already? LORELAI: No Sweets, I haven't ordered yet. [Rory looks out the window] RORY: Oh my God! LORELAI: Who is it? RORY: Oh my God! CUT TO OUT FRONT [They walk out the front door. Dean is standing in front of a car] LORELAI: Oh my God. RORY: Whatcha doin'? DEAN: Just standing here. RORY: Next to? DEAN: A car. Your car. RORY: No! DEAN: Finished it yesterday. RORY: No you didn't! DEAN: Do you want them? [holds up the keys] RORY: Ah! [Rory runs off the porch and hugs him] DEAN: Now if you don't like it, I bet I can sell it to someone else. RORY: Don't you dare! LORELAI: Dean, that's amazing! RORY: Let's drive, can we drive, does it drive? DEAN: Does it drive? RORY: Well, no, I know it drives but. . .oh my God! I can't believe you finished it! You built me a car! LORELAI: Dean, now that you're done with that, will you build me a plane? One that looks like Shamu? RICHARD: He made that car? LORELAI: Isn't that incredible? RICHARD: Well, she can't accept it. LORELAI: Oh Dad, it's okay. RICHARD: It's not okay, he's a child. She's not driving a car a child put together. DEAN: Excuse me sir, but, uh, my father worked on cars and my grandfather worked on cars. I know what I'm doing. RICHARD: A car is not a model airplane, young man. DEAN: I know that. RICHARD: It is a complex vehicle. DEAN: I know that too. RICHARD: And I will not have my granddaughter driving around in some contraption you put together in auto shop. LORELAI: Okay, can I just say something here? DEAN: I did not make this in auto shop. I am telling you this car is safe. RICHARD: So, you are a certified mechanic? DEAN: No. RICHARD: But you had the assistance of a certified mechanic? DEAN: No. RICHARD: Well, then you drove it past a certified mechanic? LORELAI: Dad, stop it. This is a nice thing Dean did here. Remember, nice things. RICHARD: I'm sorry, she can't accept it. Now, if you will excuse us, we were about to order dinner. DEAN: Mr. Gilmore, I understand you want Rory to be safe, but so do I. I would not give this car to her if I did not know for a fact that it was a hundred percent safe. I checked it, my father checked it, and Gypsy at Hewes Brothers checked it. It has been checked. RICHARD: And I'm just supposed to take your word for it? DEAN: Nope. RICHARD: Agreed. DEAN: Let's go. RICHARD: Go where? DEAN: To check it. RICHARD: I don't think so. DEAN: I've been working on this car for months. I'm giving it to Rory. RICHARD: You're a very stubborn boy. DEAN: Do you wanna drive or should I? RICHARD: I'll take my own car, thank you. DEAN: Fine with me. RICHARD: And drive behind me. I don't want that thing blowing up right in front of the Jag. DEAN: No problem. Try to keep your electrical system working long enough to get there. RICHARD: They worked the kinks out of this electrical system years ago, young man. I'll be right back. DEAN: So will I. [Dean and Richard get in their cars and drive off.] LORELAI: Don't you feel like one of us should've been standing between them waving a flag or something? CUT TO HEWES BROS. [The mechanic looks under the hood of the car while Richard and Dean stand nearby.] GYPSY: It looks fine to me. RICHARD: Check it again. GYPSY: I already checked it again. This was checking it again. I checked it earlier, that means this was checking it again. DEAN: Go ahead Gypsy, check it again. I've got all night. GYPSY: I don't. RICHARD: Check the transmission. GYPSY: I did, it's all good. RICHARD: The carburetor. GYPSY: All good. RICHARD: Manifold pressure? GYPSY: Best manifold pressure I've ever seen. RICHARD: You've missed something. I insist that you go over this entire car again. GYPSY: But I'm telling you, there's nothing wrong with this car. RICHARD: I am paying you for a service, I would like that service performed. GYPSY: Okay, I look again. DEAN: How many times are you gonna make her do that? RICHARD: As many times as it takes. DEAN: Look, I know you think I'm not good enough for Rory, but do you have to take it out on my car? RICHARD: She's my only granddaughter. I have a responsibility to protect her. She's young, she's naïve. DEAN: She's smart. RICHARD: Yes, she's smart. . .about certain things. DEAN: Look, I'm not about to do battle with you here. You can hate me - whatever, I don't care. RICHARD: I hardly hate you. DEAN: Really? RICHARD: I don't even know you. DEAN: Well, I'm right here. What do you wanna know? Besides what college I wanna go to or what I wanna do for a living, because I still have no answers for you on that front. RICHARD: Those are not ridiculous questions to ask. DEAN: No, but you could've waited until dessert to get to them. RICHARD: Yes, well, perhaps the timing of the. . . DEAN: Interrogation? RICHARD: Conversation. DEAN: Conversation. RICHARD: Perhaps the timing was a little off. [pause] So, your father – what does he do? DEAN: Stereo systems. RICHARD: Installing them? DEAN: Selling them. He's got a shop a couple of blocks from here. RICHARD: And your mother? DEAN: She works part time transcribing medical records. RICHARD: Interesting, interesting. So, you. . .you like my granddaughter quite a bit? DEAN: No, I love your granddaughter quite a bit. RICHARD: See Dean, I was beginning to feel a little better about this until you said that. DEAN: Well, I'm not trying to make you feel better, I'm trying to be honest. RICHARD: Yes, you are. It's an admirable quality. DEAN: Thank you. GYPSY: Okay, I found something wrong. RICHARD: You did? DEAN: What? GYPSY: Windshield wipers came right off in my hand, very dangerous. Thank God I check it again. DEAN: Gypsy, you broke those off yourself. GYPSY: Yes I did. DEAN: Put them back! GYPSY: I can't look at this car anymore. DEAN: Gypsy! GYPSY: I miss my home. DEAN: Put them back. RICHARD: Now I suppose the car is safe. DEAN: It is. RICHARD: I'm still not sure it's an appropriate gift. DEAN: I understand that. RICHARD: How tall are you? DEAN: Why, you wanna dance? RICHARD: No, thank you. I appreciate the offer though. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Rory sit on the couch.] RORY: How long are they going to be? LORELAI: I don't know. Knowing my dad, he probably made Dean take the entire thing apart and put it back together again in front of him. RORY: Poor Dean. LORELAI: Poor Dean, he has to spend one evening with him. I share chromosomes with the guy. [Richard walks through the front door] RICHARD: Well, we had it thoroughly checked. We found a little problem with the windshield wipers. Dean is there now adjusting them. But once that is taken care of, I don't see any reason why, with proper insurance of course, why you can't have that car. RORY: Really? Thanks! LORELAI: Hey hon, why don't you run and pick up the food for us? RORY: Oh sure. RICHARD: Oh, I've got this. LORELAI: Here you go, hurry! Before the mu shu congeals. RORY: Okay. [leaves] RICHARD: Why didn't you let me pay? LORELAI: I didn't think it would be, um, appropriate under the circumstances. RICHARD: What circumstances are those? LORELAI: The ones where I'm about to get really, really mad at you. RICHARD: Excuse me? LORELAI: Dad, this is my house in my town, where I live my life. RICHARD: Well, thank you for the geography lesson. LORELAI: No, I'm - in the thirty two years we've known each other, have I once come to your work and criticized the way you handled your clients? RICHARD: I don't remember you coming to my work at all. LORELAI: Well, have I passed judgment on your breakfast habits or your clothing choices? RICHARD: I was offering opinions. LORELAI: Well, don't. I don't want your opinions, especially not in front of my employees and not in front of my friends. RICHARD: I guess you can't take constructive criticism. LORELAI: Nothing that came out of your mouth today might, in any universe visited by Kirk or Spock, be construed as constructive. RICHARD: I beg to differ. LORELAI: And this is absolutely the last time you come into my house and overrule my word. RICHARD: What are you talking about? LORELAI: I'm talking about Dean and the car. RICHARD: I was being - . LORELAI: You have no right being anything. Rory's my kid and I make the rules, so if she comes home one day and says, ‘Hey, uh, I'm gonna spend the weekend with Patricia Krenwinkle' and I say, ‘Okay, grab a sweater', you just have to deal. RICHARD: Who is Patricia Krenwinkle? LORELAI: And if I tell her that she can have the car that her boyfriend made for her, then she can. RICHARD: I didn't think it looked safe. LORELAI: You don't have to think it looks safe! I have to think it looks safe! God, why can't I make you hear what I'm saying? RICHARD: Oh, I hear exactly what you're saying. LORELAI: You came here not as a guest but as the judgment police, you kept your uniform on the whole time, and you know what, it comes off now! RICHARD: Lower your voice. LORELAI: No! I am a grown woman and you will treat me the way you treat people who have invited you to their house or you will not be invited again. RICHARD: Invited? LORELAI: Yes! RICHARD: Don't you think I know why you invited me here? LORELAI: Because - . RICHARD: Because your mother asked you too. She called you up and said I was driving her crazy, and would you please take me off her hands for one day so she can get some peace. Isn't that true? LORELAI: No. RICHARD: You have never once invited me to your house Lorelai, never. And I can hardly point to an event that would prompt you to do so except my recent employment situation. LORELAI: Okay Dad, Mom did call me but - . RICHARD: You know, I never thought about retirement. I never thought about what I would do or what I would be once I wasn't working. I never once imagined that I would go from being a productive member of the human race to a decrepit old drone sitting at the club at three in the afternoon drinking brandy and playing cards. LORELAI: Aw, Dad. RICHARD: I am an annoyance to my wife and a burden to my daughter. Suddenly I realize what it feels like to be obsolete. I hope that you never have to learn what that feels like. Now, if you will excuse me, I'm afraid I'll have to take a rain check on dinner. I'm not very hungry. CUT TO SIDEWALK [Rory walks past the video store, which her picture is in the window. As she stares at it, Jess walks over to her.] JESS: Nice picture. RORY: Gee, thanks. JESS: You're very popular right now. I bet if you burn a few books, they'll probably make you mayor. RORY: This is ridiculous. JESS: I don't know, bet you have a lot of supporters on this. Pat Buchanon, Jerry Falwell, Kathie Lee Gifford. RORY: Bye. JESS: Aw, come on, it's a little funny. RORY: No, being the poster girl for censorship is not a little funny. The only videos not behind that curtain are Bambi and Dumbo. I mean, they actually had a meeting earlier about whether or not Babe should be behind the curtain so as not to offend people who keep kosher. JESS: It's a crazy world we live in. RORY: And where did they even find that stupid picture? JESS: Oh no, the picture's good. It's the people who are stupid. RORY: I'm never gonna be able to leave my house again. JESS: Well, at least you won't starve. RORY: I can't look at it anymore. JESS: Relax. I don't think it'll be around very long. RORY: Why? JESS: Just a guess. RORY: Jess! JESS: Enjoy the food. RORY: Come back here. JESS: Why? RORY: I'll give you an eggroll. JESS: Yes? RORY: What did you do? JESS: Nothing much. Just wanted to make sure whoever rented Dumbo or Bambi gets a little surprise. RORY: What kind of surprise? What did you do? JESS: You owe me an eggroll. [walks away] RORY: Blech. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Richard walks in the front door.] EMILY: Richard, there you are, sneaking in like that. RICHARD: Hello Emily. EMILY: It's nice to see you. RICHARD: Well, you seem very happy. EMILY: Well, I had a very nice day. Would you like a drink? RICHARD: Uh, no thanks. EMILY: I saw Cheeky Lennox today. She's redoing her entire house and I have to say, it's given me a few ideas about this place. I won't scare you with them tonight but I'm very excited about it. RICHARD: Well I'm glad. EMILY: Then I did a little shopping and I had my nails done. RICHARD: Very nice. EMILY: Sugar and spice, a little crazier than I usually wear but I don't know, I was just in that kind of a mood. So how was your day with the girls? RICHARD: Wonderful. EMILY: Tell me about it. RICHARD: Well, I saw the town, I saw Lorelai's work. EMILY: Did you eat? Because I can have Heloise whip up something for you. RICHARD: No thank you, we had Chinese food. EMILY: Oh, you love Chinese food! RICHARD: Yes I do. EMILY: Well I'm thrilled that you had such a wonderful time. It was good for you to get out like that. RICHARD: Yes it was. In fact, I'm still a little energized from the day, so I think I'm finally gonna organize all those stamps that I've been talking about for ages. EMILY: Now? RICHARD: Why not? EMILY: Well, I think that would be wonderful. Have fun. [Richard walks into his office and sits down]
Plan: A: Richard; Q: Who drives Lorelai and Rory crazy by passing judgment on every aspect of their lives? A: Paris; Q: Who visits Stars Hollow searching for a "seedy underbelly" for the front story of the Franklin? A: Rory gains unexpected praise; Q: What happens when Rory accidentally encourages censorship in the Stars Hollow Video store? A: the Stars Hollow Video store; Q: Where does Paris use as their basis for their assignment? Summary: Richard visits Stars Hollow, and drives Lorelai and Rory crazy by passing judgment on every aspect of their lives. Paris visits Stars Hallow searching for a "seedy underbelly" for the front story of the Franklin. Rory gains unexpected praise when she accidentally encourages censorship in the Stars Hollow Video store, which Paris uses as their basis for their assignment.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to pry more information about Chandler and Monica from Joey who's sitting on the couch and busy downing a pizza.] Rachel: Come on Joey!!! Joey: Rach, I told you everything I knew last night! Look, it's not that big of a deal, so Monica and Chandler are doing it. Rachel: I can't believe you would say that! Joey: Sorry. Monica and Chandler are making love. Rachel: No! I mean come on! This is a huge deal! (She sits next to him on the couch.) Fine I want-I need more details, who-who initiated the first kiss? Joey: (thinks) I don't know. Rachel: Is he romantic with her? Joey: I don't know. Rachel: Are they in love? Joey: (thinks) I don't know. Rachel: You don't know anything. Joey: Ohh, I know one thing! Rachel: What? Joey: They did it right there on the couch. (He points to where she's sitting and she jumps up quickly.) Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Ross enters.] Joey: Hey Ross! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: (disinterested) Hey-yeah. (He hurries up to the counter.) Hey Gunther, can I have a scone please? (To the gang.) Wanna hear some good news? Someone I know is getting married! Yeah! And weddings are happy occasions! Oh, by-the-by it's my ex-wife Emily! All: What? Oh! Chandler: Sorry man. Gunther: Here's your scone. Ross: Oh, thanks Gunther. (He takes it, hands the plate it's on to Rachel, sets it down on the table, and proceeds to pound it into oblivion while saying.) STUPID BRITISH SNACK FOOD!!!!!!! Chandler: Did they teach you that in your anger management class? Phoebe: Hey, you know what might help you deal with it? Think of it this way, you and Emily are in the past and you can't be mad about the past. So are you still mad about the Louisiana Purchase? Rachel: Pheebs, I don't think anyone's mad about that. Phoebe: Exactly! Because it's in the past! Joey: (eyeing the flattened scone) Anybody gonna eat that? [Scene: Chandler's office, Monica and him are at a party his office is throwing.] Monica: Look at us all dressed up for the big office party! By the way, what are we celebrating? Chandler: Oh, we had a lot of liquor left over from the Christmas party. Monica: I think this is so cool because none of our friends are here and we can be a real couple. We don't have to hide. Chandler: I know, I can do this. (He takes her hand.) Monica: Ooh, and I can do this. (She kisses him on the cheek.) (They both stand real close together.) Both: We can't do that. (They separate.) (Chandler's boss (Doug) walks up.) Doug: Hey Bing! (Slaps him on his ass.) (Sees Monica) Wo-ho-ho, who's the pretty lady and what the hell is she doing with you? Chandler: I asked myself that very question, sir. Uh, (Points to Monica) this is Monica. (Points to his boss.) This is my boss, Doug. Doug this is Monica. Monica: Hi, nice to meet you! Doug: Hi! And this is my wife Kara. Kara: Nice to meet you Monica. Bing! (Slaps Chandler on his butt.) Doug: Say uh, Bing, did you hear about the new law firm we got working for us? Chandler: No, sir. Doug: Yeah, Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe. (Chandler does a fake laugh.) Doug: Come on honey, let's go drink our body weight. (They walk off leaving Chandler and Monica alone.) Monica: What was that? Chandler: What? Monica: That noise you just made? Chandler: Oh, that was my work laugh. Monica: Really? Your work laugh? Chandler: Oh, believe me, to survive this party, you're gonna have to come up with one too. Monica: All right, check me out. Chandler: Okay. (She walks up to where Doug is finishing another joke to another group.) Doug: ...says $30 Father; same as in town. (Monica does a fake laugh. For the laughs, you'll have to see the episode. I can't describe them.) [Scene: Central Perk, Monica is buying a muffin as Chandler runs in.] Chandler: Hey! Everybody at work loved you last night! Monica: Really? Chandler: And! They like me more just because I was with ya! I think you repaired a lot of the damage from when they met Joey. And Doug wants us to play tennis with them. He's never even talked to me outside of work. Except for that time when we bumped into each other at that strip club. (She glares at him.) Strip church. Anyway, I'm gonna go try and find a racquet. Monica: Hey, I thought you already had one. Chandler: Oh I used too, but then Joey thought it would be fun to go to Central Park and hit rocks at...bigger rocks. (He starts to leave and stops an entering Rachel.) Hey Rach, do you have a tennis racquet? Rachel: Oh umm, y'know I lent it to Joey and I never actually got it back. Chandler: Okay, good luck with that. (Exits.) Rachel: (To Monica) Hey! Monica: Hi! Rachel: What's up?! Monica: What are you doing here? I thought you had to do inventory all day. Rachel: Well yeah, I do, but I decided to take a long lunch and spend some time with my friend Monica. Y'know I-I feel that we don't talk anymore. How are you? What is new with you? Monica: Uhh, not much. Uh, work's good. Rachel: Oh y'know what, we don't have to talk about work. We can talk about anything! Monica: Okay. Umm... Rachel: Hey! Y'know what? Let's talk about relationships! Monica: Okay, what's going on with you? Rachel: Nothing! You go! Monica: Well, I-I-there was this guy at the bank that I thought was cute umm, but I don't anymore. Rachel: Wow that's uh, juicy. Umm, (checks watch) y'know what though Mon, I actually do have a lot of work to do so if-if-are you sure there's just not anything else? Monica: Yes, I'm sure! Rachel is there something that you want to talk me about? Rachel: No! (Gets up to leave.) (Under her breath.) If there was I wouldn't tell you. [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Phoebe is settling a dispute between the chick and the duck.] (The duck quacks.) Phoebe: Okay, then what happened? (The duck flaps its wings frantically.) Phoebe: (gasps) Ohh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. (The chick clucks.) You'll get your turn! Ross: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Pheebs, what's going on? Phoebe: Nothing! (Picks up and sets the chick down on the floor.) (To the chick.) This is not over! Ross: No! No! No! Phoebe: What?! Ross: I was up all night writing this really nasty letter to Emily! It was perfect and now it's all covered in-in... (The duck quacks.) Actually, thanks! Joey: (entering from his room) All right! Everybody ready to go to the movies? Ross: Uh actually, I think I'm gonna skip it. Joey: Really? Ross: Yeah, I'm gonna stay and read my book. I just wanna be alone right now. Joey: Oh. Are you sure you don't want to come? Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, they get mail and stuff. Ross: That's okay, Joe. Joey: All right, let's go Pheebs. Ross: (licks the envelope and encounters a foreign substance on the glue.) Oh God! [Scene: A tennis court somewhere in the city of New York, it's the doubles match-up of a century Chandler and Monica versus Doug and Kara.] Doug: Bing! (Hits the ball towards Chandler who returns it back to him. He then hits the ball at Monica who slams it and it bounces off Kara's leg.) Kara: Oww!! Monica: Game! Doug: Well, I gotta tell ya Bing; that partner of yours is a real tiger. (To his wife.) Are you all right sweethart? Kara: (out of breath and mouths) I'm not all right. Doug: We're, we're just gonna get a little sip of water. (They both walk off the court.) Monica: Am I on fire today or what?! Those birds are browned, basted, and ready to be carved! Chandler: Okay, easy Martina. I think we should let them win the next game. Monica: I'm sorry, I don't understand what you just said. Chandler: Let them win one. Monica: Are you crazy?! We own those two! I mean look at 'um, he can't breath and she's popping pills. Chandler: You're not even giving them a chance! Monica: They have racquets don't they?! Doug: Uh Bing, I think we're gonna make this the last game. Chandler: Oh yes, sir! Put me out of my misery. Are you sure you never played pro? (Does his work laugh.) (To Monica) Please let them win! Monica: I'll take it down to 95% but that's the best I can do. (She serves to Doug who returns it to Chandler. As it bounces over his head Chandler swings and misses.) Chandler: Oopsey, missed it! Monica: I got it! (She hits a forehand smash that bounces right in between Doug and Kara and scores a point.) Doug: Nice shot. (Chandler glares at her and she shrugs her shoulders. Monica serves again; and Kara returns it.) Monica: I got it!! (Chandler cuts in front of her and hits the ball high and long.) Chandler: Long! (Gives Monica the Work Laugh.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Chandler are returning from the game.] Monica: I can't believe you let them win! Chandler: Yeah, at least you hid your feelings well about it. (Removes a smashed racquet from his bag.) Monica: I was frustrated. Chandler: It was my racquet. Monica: I was frustrated with you! Chandler: If we hadn't lost the game they never would've invented us to dinner tomorrow night. Monica: Y'know what really bothers me? Is-it's how-how different you act around them! I mean y'know the throwing the tennis games, the fake laugh, the "I'll see you around, Bing!" "Not if I see you first, Doug!" (Mocks the fake laugh.) I gotta tell you, I don't like Work Chandler. Okay? The guy's a suck-up. Chandler: Okay y'know what, because you said that, I'm not putting out tonight. [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, the next morning the girls are there with Joey.] Monica: I'm telling you, something's wrong! My brother does not stay out all night. Joey: Maybe we should check the trash chute. Rachel: Ross couldn't fit down the trash chute. Joey: That's right, he almost could. Which is exactly how I got stuck there. (Ross enters.) Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: There he is! Monica: Oh my God! (She goes to hug him, stops short, and hits him on the shoulder.) Where the hell have you been?!! Ross: Just, y'know out. Rachel: Ohh, out, oh God, I don't know why we didn't think to check there! Phoebe: What were you doing? Ross: I uh, went to a bar. And then I just uh, just walked around for a while. Rachel: You walked around all night in the city by yourself? Joey: (snaps his fingers) He hooked up! He hooked up with someone. Ross: Look, I don't have to answer your questions! Okay? I'm a big boy, I can do whatever I want! Joey: He hooked up!! Tell us about her! [Suddenly the door opens and Ross's mystery girl enters. I'll give you a hint to who it is: OH....MY....GAWD!! Uh-huh, it's Janice.] Janice: (entering) Ross you left you scarf in...(sees everyone.) Hey you guys. (Does the laugh.) (They all turn and with shocked looks on their faces stare at Ross. Ross is at a loss for words at this moment.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, continued from earlier.] Janice: Uh-oh-okay. Uh-oh-okay. I know what you all are thinking. But Chandler is in Yemen! I'm a young woman! I have needs! I can't wait forever! Rachel: Yeah! No that's what I was thinking. Janice: So I'm asking you please, take a moment before you judge me. Phoebe: Oh, nobody's judging you. (They all turn and look at Ross.) Janice: Oh! Okay! (To Ross) You, Mister Right Place at the Right Time, call me! (Does her famous, or is that infamous, laugh and exits.) (They all turn and glare at Ross.) Ross: Okay, look, I-I know what you guys are going to say... Phoebe: You two will have very hairy children. Ross: Okay, I didn't know you would say that. Rachel: Ross! Janice?! Joey: All right, hold on! Hold on. Hold on. This is Ross, okay? He's our friend. He obviously went crazy. He obviously lost his mind. Ross: Look, I didn't lose my mind! Okay, Janice and I have a lot in common! We've-we've both been divorced. We-we both have kids. Phoebe: So are you actually gonna see her again? Joey: Phoebe! Don't put ideas in his head! Ross: I am gonna see her again. Joey: Damnit Phoebe!! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is going through her purse as Rachel rushes in.] Rachel: (entering) Okay, I have to tell you something that I have never admitted during our entire friendship! But, when we were in high school I made out with James Farrell even when I knew that you liked him! Wow, that feels so good to get off my chest! Okay, you go! Monica: My turn? What-what are you talking about? Rachel: Ugh, Monica, I know about you and Chandler. Monica: What?! Rachel: I overheard you guys on the phone the other day, and you said, "I'll just tell Rachel that I'm doing laundry for a couple of hours." And he said, "Laundry? Is that my new nickname?" And you said, "No! You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big." Monica: Well. Sounds like you're writing yourself a little play there Rach. Wow! Let me know how that one turns out. Rachel: Well, I wouldn't know because I got so freaked out that I hung up the phone. Monica: Well, if you had kept listening, you-you would have heard me call him Mr. Big...(Thinks)...ot. Rachel: What?! Monica: Mr. Bigot. He tells the most racist jokes. Rachel: All right. So you're telling me that there is nothing going on between you and Chandler. Monica: Me and Chandler?! (Does her fake laugh.) [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Phoebe and Joey are there.] Joey: All right, put your 20 bucks down. First one to find the tasty treat wins. Okay? Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Joey: All right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. (He removes the waste bucket that's over the duck and the laundry basket that's over the chicken.) And they're off! (He puts his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from moving.) Phoebe: Get your foot off my contestant! Judge! Joey: Judge rules, no violation. Phoebe: Ohhh. Ross: (entering) Hey guys! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Yeah! (Neither of them turns around from watching the chick and the duck look for the tasty treat.) Ross: Y'know what? It sounds so weird to say this but, I just had a great day with Janice! (They both turn around.) Joey: What?! Phoebe: Are you serious?! Ross: Yeah! I opened up to her about all the terrible stuff that's been happening to me. I mean I talked for hours. (Joey has lost interest and is watching the race again.) It is amazing to have someone give you such-such focused attention. Phoebe: You don't need Janice for that, you've got us. We... Joey: And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter! Phoebe: (turning from Ross.) No!! Hey-hey that's not a Nutter-Butter, that's just an old Wonton! Joey: Judge rules, Nutter-Butter. Phoebe: Ohh, tough call. Joey: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Doug's house, Chandler, Monica, and them are just finishing dinner.] Doug: But seriously, I believe that we should all support President Clinton. And her husband Bill. (Chandler does the laugh.) Kara: So how do you kids like your coffee? Monica: Oh, none for me. Thanks. Chandler: Just a little bit of sugar. Doug: Well, maybe I'll bring it out and have Monica stick her finger in it. That oughta sweeten it up, huh? (Once again, with the laugh.) (Doug and Kara go get the coffee.) Monica: (To Chandler) How does that laugh not give you a headache? Chandler: Oh, you get used to it. Monica: Y'know, I-I-I don't think that I can. So if you don't mind, maybe this will be it for me on the work things. Chandler: So I laugh at my boss's jokes, what's the big deal? Monica: I'd rather hang out with a sniveling work weasel guy when I can be hanging out with my boyfriend who I actually respect. Chandler: Oh. (Does a double take when he realizes what she just said.) Doug: (entering) Uh, I gotta apologize for Kara's coffee. Y'know, I feel sorry for it if it ever got in a fight, it's not strong enough to defend itself. (Chandler does not laugh.) Did you hear what I said Bing? Chandler: What? Doug: The joke Bing. What's the matter with you? Chandler: Well, I-I just didn't think it was funny sir. Doug: Excuse me? Chandler: Well, I just... Monica: (interrupting) Honey, I just don't think that you understood the joke. Chandler: Really? Monica: Yeah! I mean it was really funny, I-I just don't think you got it. You see Kara's coffee is-is-is weak tasting, okay? But-but what Doug was-was imply that it was weak physically. You get it now honey? Chandler: I think I do! (They all laugh.) Thank you, Monica. Monica: I thought you could use the help. Chandler: Coffee in a fight! (Does the laugh again.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is going through the mail as Joey enters.] Joey: (entering) Hey Rach! Hey, you mind if I read my comic books in here? Rachel: Sure! Why? Joey: Oh well, Chandler and Monica are over there and it's kinda hard to concentrate. Rachel: What?! She just called and said that she was gonna be working late! She keeps lying to me! That's it! Y'know what? I'm just gonna go over there and confront them right now! [Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment, Rachel enters and sneaks up to Chandler's bedroom where she overhears Chandler and Monica talking.] Chandler: (from his bedroom) All right, so you're telling me that I have to tell racist jokes now?! Monica: Sorry! I'm just-I'm not very good at this! I'm a terrible liar and I hate having to lie to Rachel! Chandler: But we're not ready to tell yet! Monica: I know! It's just that...ever since high school Rachel was the one person I told everything too. Y'know? I miss that so much now. She's my best friend. (Rachel decides not to confront them and starts to walk out, knocking over a lamp in the process.) Monica: (entering) Joey?! Oh my God, Rachel! Rachel: Hey! Hi! Monica: Wh-wh-what are you doing here? (She tries to pull her shirt down to cover the fact that she's wearing men's boxers.] Rachel: Well, I was actually-I-I came over here to-to borrow this lamp. To umm, look at my books, y'know, see them a little better. Monica: Okay great! Rachel: Yeah! Monica: Great! Umm, well what-what I was doing in Chandler's room is that umm, I was cleaning it! In fact, he pays me to clean it! Rachel: Oh! What a great way to earn some extra pocket money. Monica: Y'know when I said to you earlier that I was at work umm, I'm at my new work. Rachel: That's good enough. Right? (Pause.) Okay, well umm, I'm gonna go look at my books! Monica: Okay. Rachel: Okay. Monica: I'll get back to my new job. (Pause.) Rachel: 'Kay. (Pause.) Congratulations on your new job. (She goes and hugs Monica and is almost in tears.) (After she exits, Chandler enters.) Chandler: Man, she is really gullible. (Monica motions that it went right over Rachel's head.) [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Janice are sitting on the couch.] Gunther: Here you go. (Serves them both some coffee.) Ross: Thanks! Janice: Actually, I should get going. Ross: Are you sure? Because I can stay out as late as you want. I told you how I'm on sabbatical from work, right? Janice: Yes! Yes! You did! Ross: Oh... Janice: What is wrong now?! Ross: This isn't what I ordered! Man! Can anything go right in my life?! First my marriage falls apart and then... Janice: I know! I know! And then you lose your apartment! And then you lose your job! And then your ex-wife gets married so fast! And now the coffee-ahh!! Ross, we need to talk. Ross: Okay. Sometimes I feel... Janice: No-no-no, no. I'm going to talk. I believe that the sun has set on our day in the sun. Ross: Huh? Janice: (starting to cry) You're a very sweet person Ross, umm, unfortunately I don't think I can take another second of you whining!! Ross: Let-let me make sure I'm hearing this right, you're ending this with me because I'm too whiney? (Janice makes an agreeing sound.) So you're saying, I've become so whiney that I annoy you, Janice. Janice: Well yeah!! Ross: OH...MY...GOD!! Janice: Are you gonna be okay? Ross: I am now. Janice: Okay. (Joey enters.) Joey: Umm, hi. Janice: Oh hi! Well, I guess that's two out of three, Joey. (Laughs and exits.) (Joey looks at Ross with a horrified look on his face.) Ending Credits [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Chandler is reading a magazine as Ross hands him a beer.] Ross: Dude, we got to talk. Chandler: Okay. Ross: I just wanted to tell you something before you heard it from someone else and I hope this isn't too weird, but uh, I had uh, a thing with Janice. (He laughs, his real laugh this time.) What you're-you're not mad? Chandler: Why would I be mad? Ross: Well, because y'know there are certain rules about this kind of stuff. You don't uh, you don't fool around with your uh, friend's ex-girlfriends or possible girlfriends or girls they're related to. Chandler: (realizes what Ross just said and the implications to him) I am mad! But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna forgive you! Because that's what friends do! They forgive their friends when they do everything you just said, all on the list there. Well, but I want you to remember that I forgave you. Ross: Okay. Chandler: I also want you to remember that I let you live here rent free! Ross: All right. Chandler: And, I want you to remember that I gave you twenty (counts his money) seven dollars. No strings attached. Now, if you can't remember that, I think we should write it down-let's write it down!
Plan: A: Monica; Q: Who is dismayed by how Chandler kisses up to his boss? A: his boss; Q: Who does Monica think Chandler kissed at work? A: Rachel; Q: Who tries to get Monica to confess her secret about Chandler? A: Ross; Q: Who breaks up with Janice? A: Emily; Q: Who is Ross's ex-girlfriend? A: Janice; Q: Who does Ross have a one-night stand with? A: his perpetual whining; Q: What does Janice dislike about Ross? A: a friendship rule; Q: What does Ross believe Chandler broke by sleeping with his ex? Summary: Monica is dismayed by how Chandler kisses up to his boss at work. Rachel tries to get Monica to confess her secret about Chandler, but Monica is unwilling to confide anything. Ross learns Emily is engaged again, and has a one-night stand with someone the group is all too familiar with, Janice. Later, Janice breaks up with Ross, unable to stand his perpetual whining. Ross asks Chandler to forgive him for sleeping with his ex, believing it breaks a friendship rule. Chandler is amused, but realizes he can leverage that in case Ross becomes upset when he eventually finds out about him and Monica.
First Broadcast: 08.02.64 Running Time: 25 minutes 04 seconds [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (IAN, BARBARA and SUSAN look on as the DOCTOR manipulates the TARDIS controls. As he hurries round the console, there is an explosion and everyone is knocked to one side and the room is plunged into darkness. The DOCTOR is lying on the floor beside the console. IAN is in a chair. SUSAN lies across the console. The room is totally silent and still. Then, with a groan, BARBARA staggers across the room and looks round the room. With the length of Thal material still draped across her shoulders, she cautiously walks past the DOCTOR, looks over the console and finally stops in front of the chair in which IAN is unconscious.) BARBARA: (Unsure.) Mr. Chesterton ... Ian Chesterton? (BARBARA looks in a puzzled way at IAN, but turns quickly, when she hears a shuffling noise from behind her. SUSAN stands up.) SUSAN: (Groggily.) I thought... (She staggers towards BARBARA.) SUSAN: I know you. (SUSAN cringes in agony and then recoils away, head in hands.) SUSAN: Ow! BARBARA: Have you hurt your head? SUSAN: (In pain.) Ow... Yes, terribly! BARBARA: Well, let me look at it. (As BARBARA moves towards SUSAN, the girl moves away from her staggering around the console.) SUSAN: Ow... Oh, my neck hurts too. (She begins to relax.) SUSAN: Oh, oh, it's going away now... Oh, that's better... I couldn't think where I was for a minute... BARBARA: Do you want to sit down? (BARBARA indicates an unoccupied chair. SUSAN looks at it and then takes another uneasy step.) SUSAN: No, it's all right. (She looks down and notices the DOCTOR lying unconscious on the floor.) SUSAN: (Shouts in alarm.) Grandfather! (SUSAN rushes over towards the DOCTOR and kneels down beside him.) BARBARA: He's cut his head open. SUSAN: I've ... I've got some ointment. BARBARA: Well get some water too. SUSAN: Yes. (SUSAN stands. As she begins to walk out, she grasps her neck.) SUSAN: Ow. (She spots IAN still in the chair in the corner of the console room.) SUSAN: Who's that? Oughtn't we to go and help him? BARBARA: (Examining the DOCTOR.) I don't like the look of this cut at all. SUSAN: Water... hmm. Wh... what happened? BARBARA: (Murmurs.) I don't know... (She sees SUSAN standing there.) BARBARA: Well go on! (SUSAN nods weakly, wipes her forehead and then leaves. Barbara continues examining the DOCTOR. She looks up as she hears a movement. She stands, and crosses to the console. IAN is standing upright in front of the chair, like a statue.) IAN: You're working late tonight, Miss. Wright. (He looks round in puzzlement, and stumbles. He regains his balance.) IAN: Can I have a glass of water? BARBARA: Susan's fetching some. (IAN turns sharply to face BARBARA.) IAN: Susan Foreman you mean? BARBARA: Yes. (IAN notices the DOCTOR.) IAN: What's he doing there? BARBARA: Oh, he's cut his head. Are you feeling all right? IAN: Dizzy. (He turns and leans on the chair, then looks back, and as an afterthought says:) IAN: Shouldn't we help him? (They both look at the DOCTOR.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. TARDIS. BEDROOM (Still groggy, SUSAN crosses the room, picking up a box from a table. She places the box on a lower table, opens it and takes out a roll of bandage with different shaded stripes on it and a pair of scissors. She rolls out a length of the bandage and cuts it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (Both IAN and BARBARA and kneeling beside the DOCTOR, examining him. BARBARA takes his pulse. IAN is talking like an automaton.) IAN: His heart seems all right, and his breathing's quite regular. (He tilts the DOCTOR'S head towards him.) IAN: I don't think that cut's as deep as you think. BARBARA: What do we do if his skull's fractured? IAN: I don't think it's as bad as that. (Suddenly, the DOCTOR'S lips open and he begins to speak.) DOCTOR: I can't take you back, Susan. I can't! I ca... I... IAN: (Almost amused.) Huh! He's rambling. (BARBARA stands up and smiles as everything becomes clear and she realises where she is.) BARBARA: The ship! The TARDIS! (She clutches IAN'S wrist. IAN however looks around himself in puzzlement.) IAN: What? [SCENE_BREAK] 4. INT. TARDIS. LIVING AREA (On the Food Machine, SUSAN presses the button marked 'water' and the light marked 'empty' begins to flash. She presses it again.) SUSAN: Eh? (She presses some of the buttons above and the machine whirrs into life. Whirring and clicking. The lights begin to flash. Then, there are three beeps and the machine becomes quiet again. SUSAN looks down at the tray where the food comes out. It contains a packet of water. She pulls it out.) SUSAN: (Puzzled.) That's funny. (She presses the 'water' button again. Again it reads 'empty'. SUSAN turns to leave, a puzzled expression on her face. She opens the door leading into the Console room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (As SUSAN steps through the door, she gasps as she looks up. The TARDIS doors are wide open. SUSAN looks around in panic. IAN and BARBARA are staring at the open doors.) SUSAN: (In shock.) The doors! (She crosses over to IAN and BARBARA.) SUSAN: Well they can't open on their own, they can't! (IAN looks and points at the DOCTOR.) IAN: Perhaps he did it. SUSAN: Grandfather?! IAN: Did it before he cut his head open. SUSAN: No, he wouldn't. BARBARA: They must have been forced open. When we crashed. IAN: Crashed? SUSAN: No! The ship can't crash, it's impossible. (In a panic, SUSAN rushes towards the still prone DOCTOR.) SUSAN: Grandfather! (Hysterical.) Grandfather! (BARBARA bends down next to her.) BARBARA: Susan, it's all right. SUSAN: No! No, there's something here! Inside the ship. IAN: What? BARBARA: (Scared.) But that's not possible. (SUSAN turns to IAN.) SUSAN: You feel it don't you? BARBARA: Give me the bandage. (SUSAN gives BARBARA the bandage. BARBARA kneels beside the DOCTOR and examines the bandage.) BARBARA: Well what's this? (IAN walks over to the console as SUSAN answers. He turns and faces the open doors.) SUSAN: The coloured part is the ointment. You'll find the colour disappear as it goes into the wound. When the bandage is completely white, it means the wound is healed. (IAN walks towards the open doors as if heading for the outside. When he comes near them, they close on their own accord. SUSAN gasps. IAN turns sharply and looks accusingly at SUSAN.) IAN: Did you do that? SUSAN: We haven't moved. (IAN moves towards the control console, away from the doors. As he moves, they open behind him. He turns and purposefully strides towards the open doors. Again they close in his path. SUSAN looks scared.) SUSAN: (In a semi-controlled hysteria.) I'm going to try the controls. BARBARA: Be careful Susan. (SUSAN walks swiftly towards the console and reaches for the button. Suddenly she creases up in pain and stumbles back from the console.) SUSAN: No! Ahh! (She groans and then collapses, unconscious, on the floor next to the now bandaged DOCTOR. IAN and BARBARA cross over to her.) IAN: She's fainted! But she was all right a minute ago. BARBARA: Yes, and a while before that you were all unconscious. (IAN stumbles forward and places his head in his hands. He recovers and spins round, examining the whole room an a matter of seconds.) IAN: (Shouting.) What's going on here? (They both look down at the DOCTOR.) BARBARA: He's beginning to stir. Take the girl and put her to bed. (IAN lifts SUSAN. The DOCTOR groans.) IAN: If anything happens, let me know. (BARBARA looks up in surprise.) BARBARA: Well what could happen? IAN: I don't know. (IAN leaves carrying SUSAN over his shoulders. The DOCTOR stirs.) BARBARA: How are you? DOCTOR: My head. Oh. BARBARA: You ... cut your forehead, but you'll be all right. (The DOCTOR feels the back of his neck.) DOCTOR: It hurts here. BARBARA: Where? Show me. (She examines his neck.) BARBARA: I can't see anything. There's no bump, or bruise or anything. DOCTOR: Oh, it's on the back of the neck. (He groans again. BARBARA looks up at this familiar symptom.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. TARDIS. BEDROOM (IAN presses a button, and a wall panel lowers, revealing a bed. He places SUSAN onto it and then feels her head.) IAN: Water ... (He leaves the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. TARDIS. LIVING AREA (IAN goes up to the Food Machine, takes his handkerchief out of his pocket and presses the 'water' button. Again the 'empty' light flashes.) IAN: Empty? (IAN presses the button again. Again it reads 'empty'. He bends down to have a look at a panel below, but notices that there is a sachet of water in the tray.) IAN: Huh. All right. (He removes the water. He opens the sachet and pours some onto his handkerchief. He heads towards the bedroom.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. INT. TARDIS. BEDROOM (IAN enters, carrying the bandage and the water. He puts the water of the table and looks up. SUSAN is kneeling upon the bed and glaring at him with a mad stare in her eyes, holding the scissors. IAN stops in his tracks.) IAN: What are you doing? (IAN takes a step forward. SUSAN raises the scissors.) IAN: Wh... SUSAN: No! Who are you? IAN: Susan! You don't need that. (He reaches out to take the scissors from her. She moves them in a stabbing motion towards his wrist. IAN quickly moves his arm back. SUSAN raises the scissors again, and then is overcome. She appears to have a sort of fit. She screeches and groans. Then she turns and starts viciously attacking her bed with the scissors. IAN is appalled. Eventually, she stops and collapses on the bed. The scissors fall from her hand onto the floor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. TARDIS. LIVING AREA (LATER) (The scissors are now on a table. The DOCTOR is sitting in a couch, his head still bandaged. IAN is leaning on the table, and BARBARA is standing in the centre of the room.) DOCTOR: No, no, the ship must have stopped and put us down somewhere. BARBARA: (Turning on him.) But where? Where are we? DOCTOR: Oh, all these questions Miss. Wright! Please! (He holds his head.) BARBARA: You don't know do you? You're just guessing aren't you? (BARBARA heads towards the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (BARBARA enters the room.) BARBARA: Can we have some light in here? DOCTOR: (OOV.) What for? [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. TARDIS. LIVING AREA (The DOCTOR is still on the couch. IAN is standing by the food machine.) IAN: Have you any idea where we are, Doctor? DOCTOR: Where is not as important as why, young man. I must go and check the fault locator again. (The DOCTOR stands up and crosses to the doors to the console room.) IAN: Everything's in a mess. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR stops in the doorway. BARBARA is staring into the console room. The DOCTOR turns to look back into the living quarters.) DOCTOR: You didn't touch the controls did you? IAN: (OOV.) No. (The DOCTOR enters the console room and points an accusing finger at BARBARA.) DOCTOR: Or you? (BARBARA looks at the DOCTOR in surprise and re-enters the living area.) DOCTOR: I know Susan wouldn't. I'm worried about that child. Temporary lapse of memory. [SCENE_BREAK] 13. INT. TARDIS. LIVING AREA (BARBARA is facing into the room. IAN walks up behind her.) BARBARA: I was thinking. IAN: Yes? (The DOCTOR enters quickly in hope at hearing her words.) DOCTOR: Well? Yes, yes... anything may help. BARBARA: Do you think something could have got into the ship? DOCTOR: (Scoffing.) No, no, no. BARBARA: Well the doors were open. DOCTOR: No, it's ridiculous. IAN: (Laughing.) What, you mean? An animal or a man or something? BARBARA: Yes! DOCTOR: It's ... it's not very logical now, is it? Hmm? BARBARA: Or another intelligence. DOCTOR: Well as I said, it's not very logical. BARBARA: No it isn't, but does it have to be? I mean, things aren't always very logical are they? It's just that one's been through so much, I've... DOCTOR: I've been very patient with you Miss ... Wright, and really, there's no more time for these absurd theories. IAN: Probably a mechanical fault. DOCTOR: Yes, or electric. (The DOCTOR walks towards the console room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM DOCTOR: It may even be the main unit. I don't know. I'm very worried about it all. Young man, I think you'll have to help me with that fault locator now that Susan's been put out of action. IAN: Yea, yes, of course I will. DOCTOR: Thank you, thank you. It won't take us long. (The DOCTOR walks towards the control console.) IAN: I ... I wouldn't go near the control column if I were you Doctor. It might give you an electric shock. DOCTOR: Yes, well, perhaps it would be wiser to check the fault locator first. I'm glad I thought of that. Yes. Come along, come along. (He hurries across the room. IAN turns to BARBARA who has walked in behind them.) IAN: Barbara... BARBARA: Keep an eye on Susan? [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. TARDIS. LIVING AREA (SUSAN has appeared and is hiding behind the food machine, listening to IAN and BARBARA'S conversation.) IAN: (OOV.) Yes. And, don't tell her about something being in the ship. (SUSAN looks determined.) BARBARA: (OOV.) No, of course not. IAN: (OOV.) You know, the less said... (SUSAN comes out from behind the machine, crosses over to the table and takes the scissors from it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM IAN: ... the better, eh? DOCTOR: (OOV.) Chesterton! IAN: Coming! (IAN heads off and joins the DOCTOR who is leaning against the wall beside the fault locator.) IAN: Are you alright? DOCTOR: Oh yes, these numbers keep blurring before my eyes. That's all. IAN: What can I do to help? DOCTOR: Well, if you wouldn't mind standing in front of that indicator and...what you would see would be a series of numbers. (IAN looks at the screen. The figures A12 become clear and then blur. The same happens as A13, A14, A15, A16 and the start of A17 appear.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. TARDIS. BEDROOM (BARBARA enters. SUSAN is lying on the bed, eyes closed. IAN'S handkerchief over her forehead. As BARBARA leans over the table, SUSAN opens her eyes. BARBARA looks up.) BARBARA: You're awake now. How are you feeling? (BARBARA gets no response from SUSAN. She crosses over to the bed.) BARBARA: Susan? You do remember who I am don't you? SUSAN: (Coldly.) Of course I do. You're Barbara. (BARBARA replaces the handkerchief with a new cloth.) SUSAN: Why? BARBARA: Hmm? SUSAN: There's nothing wrong with me. BARBARA: No, you're... you just need a rest, that's all. SUSAN: Where's grandfather? BARBARA: He's checking the controls with Ian. SUSAN: Have they found out what's wrong with the ship? BARBARA: Well, Ian thinks there was a power failure. (BARBARA stops what she is doing as she realises that the scissors are missing.) SUSAN: Why did you ask me if I knew who you were? BARBARA: Susan, why don't you give me those scissors? Give them to me. (BARBARA turns to face SUSAN as she sits up, holding the scissors to threaten BARBARA.) BARBARA: Susan, what's all this about? SUSAN: You said there'd been a power failure. BARBARA: No I didn't, I said that's what Ian thinks. SUSAN: I overheard the two of you. There's something here in the ship and he doesn't want you to tell me. BARBARA: Oh, I see. You just overheard a couple of words and you comple... SUSAN: No! You lied to me. BARBARA: We wouldn't hurt you Susan. Surely you know that? (Slowly, SUSAN raises the scissors to arm's length. She begins to shake. She gasps and BARBARA leaps forward and prises the scissors from her hand. SUSAN is still tense as she looks around her surroundings.) SUSAN: I've never noticed the shadows before. It's so silent in the ship. BARBARA: Yes ... or we're imagining things. We must be ... I mean, how would anything get into the ship anyway? SUSAN: The doors were open. BARBARA: Yes, but ... but where would it hide? SUSAN: In one of us. BARBARA: No. No. We must stop talking about this. I mean, can you imagine what the others would say if we told them? They'd simply laugh at us. SUSAN: Supposing there isn't a fault. (SUSAN jumps with fright as IAN enters.) IAN: You must be clairvoyant ... .we've just checked everything, and it's all perfect. Which is fantastic. (He looks at SUSAN.) IAN: How are you feeling? SUSAN: I'm alright. IAN: Good. SUSAN: What's my grandfather doing? IAN: (Slowly.) That's what I came to tell you both. He's decided that the only fault can be outside the ship. He's gone to turn on the scanner. SUSAN: (Screaming.) No! No, he mustn't. (She runs from the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (SUSAN rushes through the doors.) SUSAN: (Screaming.) Don't touch! (She stops when she sees the DOCTOR standing looking at the console. Some of the stripes on his bandage have now disappeared.) DOCTOR: Hmm? Are you alright child? SUSAN: Yes. Grandfather, I tried to touch, and it was like being hit but without any pain. DOCTOR: Hit where? SUSAN: Well, the back of my neck hurt. DOCTOR: Yes, rather like mine. (IAN and BARBARA are standing in the doorway. IAN is also now rubbing the back of his neck) IAN: Funny, it didn't effect Barbara and me like that. DOCTOR: No, it didn't, did it? I must find out what's outside the ship, Susan. Stand close beside me will you? (SUSAN holds onto the DOCTOR'S shoulders, whilst the DOCTOR looks pointedly at IAN and BARBARA, then cautiously reaches towards the scanner switch. With a swift movement, he reaches out and flicks it. The scanner hums into life. He is unharmed.) SUSAN: Nothing happened to you. DOCTOR: No indeed. (He looks again at IAN and BARBARA.) BARBARA: (To IAN.) Why does he keep looking at us like that? (IAN shrugs.) SUSAN: Hey, the scanner's working. (It shows an image of a field and trees. Birdsong can be heard.) BARBARA: That could be England. SUSAN: Oh, yes, I remember that. DOCTOR: That's very curious. That's can't be what's outside the ship. This is a photograph. (The TARDIS doors open again. Everybody turns.) DOCTOR: Close the doors Susan. (Animal like roars can be heard outside.) IAN: I'll do it. (He moves towards the control, but the doors swing shut.) IAN: Well I didn't touch it. BARBARA: There's another picture. (BARBARA points to the scanner where the picture has changed to that of a swampland accompanied by the cries of strange creatures.) SUSAN: Oh, I recognise that. That's where we nearly lost the TARDIS, four or five journeys back. DOCTOR: Yes, the planet Quinnis, of the fourth universe. SUSAN: That's not outside either. That's a photograph. IAN: Can you explain it? DOCTOR: (Sitting on the chair.) Did I ever tell you that the ship has a memory bank hmm? SUSAN: Yes, It records our journeys. IAN: No, I don't think so. DOCTOR: Are you sure? I thought I did. SUSAN: Hey look. (The image has changed again. This time, a planet is shown. The picture changes again to a view of the planet from a distance. Then it changes again to show a galaxy. Finally there is a bright flash and the screen goes blank.) IAN: Well, what's all that about? DOCTOR: (Now stood up.) Oh, don't you know? I thought you might be able to explain it. IAN: Why me? DOCTOR: Trying to confuse me, eh? (Laughs.) IAN: What are you getting at? BARBARA: Look, why don't we just try and open the doors and see for ourselves what's outside. DOCTOR: What is inside, madam, is most important at the moment. BARBARA: Inside? IAN: (Going to stand by BARBARA.) But you've just been telling us that the only people inside are ourselves. DOCTOR: Precisely. I know now who's responsible. You are, you've sabotaged my ship. BARBARA: But we haven't touched your ship. IAN: What are you talking about? DOCTOR: You are the cause of this disaster. And you've both knocked Su... you ... you've knocked both Susan and I un ... unconscious. BARBARA: Oh don't be ridiculous, we were all knocked out. DOCTOR: A charade. You attacked us. IAN: Absolute nonsense. DOCTOR: And when we were lying helpless on the floor, you tampered with my ... my controls. IAN: (Shouting.) But you checked everything yourself, and you couldn't find anything wrong with it! DOCTOR: No, sir. We checked everything, you and I. BARBARA: But why would we? For what reason? DOCTOR: Blackmail, that's why. You tried to force me to return you to England. BARBARA: Oh don't be so stupid. DOCTOR: I know it, I'm sure of it. BARBARA: (Shouting.) How dare you! Do you realise you stupid old man that you'd have died in the cave of skulls if Ian hadn't made fire for you? DOCTOR: Oh, I... BARBARA: And what about what we went through against the Daleks? Not just for us, but for you and Susan too, and all because you tricked us into going down to the city. DOCTOR: But I... BARBARA: Accuse us... You ought to go down on your hands and knees and thank us. But gratitude's the last thing you'll ever have, or any sort of common sense either. (As BARBARA walks away she looks at the clock in the centre of the room and screams. The clock face has melted into a twisted mess. BARBARA holds her head in her hands. Everybody else joins her. SUSAN gasps. The DOCTOR turns and leaves the room. IAN looks at his wristwatch. It too has melted. BARBARA takes hers off and throws it away with a scream. Then she collapses against the chair in a fit of tears. IAN puts his hand on her shoulder and then moves away, still regarding his useless watch. SUSAN glances at her watch then crouches by BARBARA.) IAN: You can't blame us for this Doctor. Where is he? (The DOCTOR enters, carrying a tray of drinks.) DOCTOR: I've decided we need more time to think. We're all somewhat overwrought. (He holds out the tray.) DOCTOR: Mr. Chesterton. (IAN cautiously takes a cup. The DOCTOR moves on.) DOCTOR: Miss. Wright. (BARBARA takes one.) DOCTOR: Susan. (SUSAN takes one, and the DOCTOR takes the final one.) IAN: I wish I could understand you Doctor. One moment you're abusing us, and the next you're playing the perfect butler. DOCTOR: A little nightcap, to help us relax and sleep. Hmm? IAN: If it is night. (IAN looks at his broken watch.) IAN: We have no way of telling now. BARBARA: (Upset.) I'm going to bed. (BARBARA leaves.) SUSAN: Make it up with her grandfather. Please do. (SUSAN leaves. The DOCTOR sits in the chair.) IAN: Doctor, some very strange things are happening. I feel we're in a very dangerous position. This is no time for personal quarrels. DOCTOR: Meaning? IAN: I think you should go and apologise to Barbara at once. DOCTOR: I'm afraid we have no time for codes and manners. And I certainly don't underestimate the dangers, if they exist. But I must have time to think. I must think! Rash action is worse than no action at all. (The DOCTOR walks out.) IAN: I don't see anything rash in apologising to Barbara. (In frustration.) Oh! (IAN follows the DOCTOR.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. TARDIS. LIVING AREA (The DOCTOR is standing in the middle of the room. IAN enters. SUSAN is hiding, unseen, behind the food machine.) IAN: Frankly Doctor, I find it hard to keep pace with you. DOCTOR: You mean to keep one jump ahead. That you will never be. You need my knowledge and ability to apply it and then you need my experience, to gain the fullest results. IAN: Results? For good or for evil? DOCTOR: One man's law is another man's crime. Sleep on it Chesterton, sleep on it. (The DOCTOR leaves. IAN remains where he is. SUSAN silently moves down the corridor towards the girls' bedroom.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. TARDIS. BEDROOM (SUSAN walks across to BARBARA. She is still awake.) SUSAN: I'm... I'm sorry for what grandfather said to you. (BARBARA turns her head.) BARBARA: (Coldly.) It wasn't your fault. SUSAN: I know, but... try and understand him. Forgive him. BARBARA: (Unconvinced.) Try and get some sleep. (SUSAN lays down on her bed and BARBARA closes her eyes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. TARDIS. BEDROOM (LATER) (The DOCTOR enters, crosses over to BARBARA and taps her leg to see if she is still awake. There is no response. He stifles a giggle and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. TARDIS. LIVING AREA (With a smile on his face, the DOCTOR enters and crosses towards IAN'S bedroom.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. TARDIS. IAN'S BEDROOM (IAN lies down sleep in his dressing gown. The DOCTOR waves his hand in front of IAN'S face to see if he is awake. There is no response. He giggles and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. TARDIS. LIVING AREA (The DOCTOR walks out of IAN'S room. He rubs his hands together and crosses the living quarters.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR enters from the living quarters and walks over to the control panel. He looks at a set of controls and his hands falter in mid air. Suddenly, he turns around as a pair of hands grips his neck...)
Plan: A: the TARDIS floor; Q: Where were the Doctor, Susan, Ian and Barbara thrown to? A: Susan; Q: Who is the Doctor's companion who is acting strangely? A: suspicions; Q: What is raised that an alien force may have entered the ship? A: The Doctor; Q: Who accuses Ian and Barbara of sabotage? A: the travellers; Q: Who realizes that the TARDIS is trying to warn them of something? A: an attempt; Q: What does the TARDIS itself reveal to be happening to warn them of something? A: time; Q: The Doctor realizes that the fast return switch he used when leaving Skaro has stuck, and the ship has been plunging back to the beginning of what? A: its own destruction; Q: What does the TARDIS go back to the beginning of time to see? A: a faulty spring; Q: What is the problem with the fast return switch? A: his behaviour; Q: What does the Doctor apologize for? Summary: As they slowly recover from the shock of being thrown to the TARDIS floor,the Doctor, Susan, Ian and Barbara all seem to be acting strangely. Unexplained events occur and suspicions are raised that an alien force may have entered the ship. The Doctor even accuses Ian and Barbara of sabotage. It gradually dawns on the travellers that what they have been experiencing is an attempt by the TARDIS itself to warn them of something. The Doctor finally realises the fast return switch he used when leaving Skaro has stuck, and the ship has been plunging back to the beginning of time and its own destruction. Once the problem - a faulty spring - is corrected, the TARDIS returns to normal and the Doctor has to make some apologies for his behaviour.
Amy: Previously on "Heartland": It's all about location, location, location. Now, you know that vacant lot, the one across from the big box store, on your way into town? That is a perfect spot for a buff burger franchise. So I finally got a meeting with Bob chomsky, the CEO- of buff burger, I know. Never get involved with a franchise. You know what that guy wanted for an upfront payment? Well, let's just say it was in the high six figures. The good news is, the insurance is gonna cover the cost of the house and the repairs to the barn. That's good. Just good? Amy: Ty, look. Ty: Amy Fleming... Will you marry me? Come on, rem! Hi, Jack! Jack: Where's the fire? You seen Amy? No. If you're looking for something to do, you could help me. Clean dirt off an old truck? No thanks. Come on, remi, let's go! [Hair dryer whirs, then abruptly stops] Come on, Amy, just tell me how much longer you're gonna be! Thirty seconds longer than when you asked me 30 seconds ago. Amy! Sure you didn't forget anything? Amy: Nope! [Sighs] Okay. There she goes! So how are things going with the insurance claim? Actually, I called them yesterday and the cheque is in the mail. You got this? Yeah. Well, that's good. So you can buy your old man a coffee? I'll even spring for a muffin. You know, the great thing is me and Peter can finally find a place of our own. Oh, house hunting with Peter. Deja vu all over again. It's different this time. Oh, yeah? How? He's away half the time. Is he dialling it in now? He is not away in Vancouver all the time. He's home now. Oh, really. Special occasion? Lou: Ha ha! Tim: Uh-oh! Lou: Oh honey, you dropped your pogy? Tim: That's not good. You know what? Maybe grampa should buy you a real pogy. That's all she needs to hear, dad. Come on. It's closed. How can it be closed? Lou. Oh my gosh. Jake: Maggie's for sale? Really? Mallory: Yeah. They just locked the door and no one even bothered to tell me because hey, I just work there. You'll find another job. It wasn't just a job. Maggie's was a huge part of my life. I mean, my mom used to take me there when I was a baby. I had my first milkshake there. For all I know, I could've had my first solid food there too. It was probably a French fry. Those fries are tradition in this town oh well, things change. Mallory: Yeah, but it still sucks. Georgie: I don't understand why you're still mad at me. [Scoffs] Come on, Georgie, I was in the bathroom with the door closed. Not completely closed... [Laughs] Hey, where's the big bay? How come he's not with the other horses? Um... what's that? [Birds crow] Stay here, Georgie why? What's going on? Just stay here! Ungh! Come on! Lou: How can Maggie's be for sale? I mean, what's this town even gonna be without it? Tim: I don't know. But somebody's gonna buy it, they're gonna change the name, it'll be business as usual. Change the name? They can't change the name. It's been Maggie's all my life. You know, Maggie is more than just a place to buy a sack of oats and a cup of coffee, it's-it's an institution. One of the very few authentic meeting places left. Someone's probably just gonna tear it down and build a strip mall, and no one's even gonna remember it was-dad? No, I wasn't aware of that. Is that right? Oh, this is an interesting opportunity. [Sighs] [Bird caws] Georgie, no! No! Georgie: He's not moving! What's wrong with him? [Flies buzz loudly] Take your horse and go back to the barn, okay? But-please just do it. [Reluctant sigh] ♪ And at the break of day, you sank into your dream, you dreamer ♪ oh, oh, oh... You dreamer ♪ you dreamer Scott: Normally, my guess would be severe colic. But there was cardiac muscle damage, which makes me think congestive heart failure. I'll know more when I get to the lab. I just don't get it. You know, he seemed fine. Ty: You know anything about him? Not really. He just got here. I do know he was from a horse camp, and then a rescue centre saw him at an auction and they thought maybe I could re-home him, so they brought him here. Guess I didn't do a very good job, did I? [Grunts with effort] [Truck rumbles up] Tim: Hey! Hey-hey! Jack! What happened to no heavy lifting? I don't wanna have to scrape you off the ground again. Jack: For your information, that new doctor gave me the once over and was very impressed by what she saw. Great. So you passed the physical. Terrific. How did you do on the cognitive functioning test? I remember how I feel about you. A-ha! You remember buff chomsky? Yeah, hamburger franchise. Bison burgers. Buff as in buffalo. Yeah. The guy who wouldn't take your calls. Yeah. Well, guess who's calling who now? Tables have turned, buddy. Well, what does he want? He wants to put a franchise in Hudson, and with Maggie's for sale, he's found his perfect location. What, Maggie's? Now, I know that franchises aren't cheap, but I'm telling you, with a little creative accounting, I can probably pull this deal together. What? Maggie's? Maggie's is for sale? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a good feeling about this, Jack. I mean the stars are aligning. That's great. Wow. Uh, I'm happy for you. No, I am, Maggie. [Chuckles] Okay. Give our love to soraya. Thanks. Bye. Mallory: So it's true, the end of an era. Maggie is moving to London to be with soraya and she's selling everything. Wow. That's a great opportunity for somebody. I mean business is booming, great location. Yeah. Why don't you buy Maggie's, Lou? [Scoffs] Yeah, right. I'm serious. You'd be a great owner uh-huh. And I could be your manager. Aren't you going to school in the fall? Maybe. I don't know. What do you mean? Didn't you get accepted? Everywhere I applied. There is so many acceptance letters on the fridge, my mom ran out of magnets. That's amazing to have so many options. Sometimes too many options is just as bad as none at all. That's why I'm thinking of taking a gap year. A gap year? What does your mom think about that? [Imitating her mom] "If you wanna waste a year of your life", you're on your own." That's why you buying Maggie's is the perfect solution. Yeah, maybe for you, but not for my bottom line. What about the insurance money? Peter would kill me. Every penny is going into our new house. Mallory: Why bother when you have a perfectly good place to live here! Well, Peter doesn't quite see it that way. Peter: Well, whoever buys it better have deep pockets 'cause you can bet Maggie's not just giving it away. Amy: Well, I don't care who buys it as long as they don't change it. There's been a feed store on that block since before the town was even incorporated in 1906. Yeah, you were there for the opening, weren't you, Jack? Lou: Seriously, 1906? That would make Maggie's a heritage site. Ty: What would that mean? Lou: Plenty. You know, who ever buys it can't just demolish it or renovate it into... Let's say, a Starbucks or a fast food restaurant. Tim: Look who's back - the horsey! Mommy washed her. She's all clean and she's better now. Num, num, num, num... Peter: Hey, Tim? Sorry, we're actually trying not to do baby talk with her. We're using normal adult speech. When do you do this speaking? The two minutes a day that you Skype from Vancouver? Dad! Sorry. That's okay, it's fine. Don't worry about it. I'm sure he said all the nice sensitive things he's going to say for one evening. That's my girl. Just to be sure, I'm gonna take her to bed. Let's go. Nice one, dad. Amy: Are you done with this, hon? Hey, where's your ring? I swear I just had it. Oh, your ring? Maybe I could help you out with that one. Georgie... Now, let's see... Where did I see it? Ah, voila! Your ring! Where was it? In the bathroom. Guess you're not mad at me now. [Relieved sigh] I love the ring, Ty, I do. I just don't like to wear it when I'm working. Ty: Well, I can see that. Hey, what if, while you're working, you just wear it on a chain around your neck or something? Yeah, like... Like a ball and chain. Like a what? Like a what? I didn't realize being engaged to me was such a heavy burden. Oh well, it has its moments. Georgie: Hey, Amy, you read-y? Okay, never mind. Georgie and I usually do night check together. I'll be right out, Georgie. Well, why don't you go. I'll finish up here. Really? Yep. Wow! A fiancee who does dishes? That's worth more than a diamond ring any day. [Door closes] [Crickets chirping] Amy: You okay? Georgie: Okay about what? Amy: Well... Seeing that horse this morning. You think that's the first time I've seen something dead before? Trust me, it's not. Good to know. Stuff dies all the time, and it's not like I really knew him. He was just some random horse with no name. I called him buddy. Ever since he stepped off the trailer, he just looked like a buddy to me. Thumper. In my head, I called him thumper. Because of his rabbit ears? Yeah. [Weeping softly] Peter: [Sighs] Did you get those listings the agent sent? Lou: Uh, yeah. Agh! Don't get me wrong, I love your family. But how great is it gonna be to have dinner alone, just the four of us, living the dream in a house we can call our own. What's this? "Hudson heritage preservation program." Lou: It's guidelines for what constitutes a heritage building, and Maggie's totally fits the criteria. I mean somebody has to get on this. Peter: Right. Somebody that's not spending all their time trying to find their family a place to call home, right? Lou: Yes, yes, another somebody. Peter: Good. Lou: [Sighs] But like, just hypothetically, did you ever think about the great synergy there could be between a diner like Maggie's and the dude ranch? I mean the opportunity for tie-ins. No, no, I never have, but it sounds like you have. No. I mean how crazy would that be? Peter: Crazy. Yeah, very crazy, okay? Almost as crazy as being married with two kids and still having to listen to your grandfather snoring in the room down the hall. Lou: [Chuckles] [Sighs] We had our first date at Maggie's. [Door opens and shuts] Hey, um, are you doing some work in there? Uh, just an estimate for a guy that's looking to buy the place. Uh-huh. And this guy's looking to renovate or...? Nope. It's a tear down. You know these national chains. You could be in nunavut or Newark, New Jersey, they all look the same. So what is it? Tim horton's? Wendy's? Buff burger. You ever heard of it? Lonesome trails cowboy camp. Does that ring any bells? Lonesome trails... Yeah, I was just there doing spring vaccinations. You still thinking about that bay horse? Yeah. Last July, they had a horse that died. Yeah, a blue roan. Collicked right in front of those little campers. Are you sure it was colic? Because we've been learning about other conditions that look like colic, but they are not. Really? You learned all that, did you? [SCENE_BREAK] Come on, boys! [Sighs] No... No, not again. Jake: So did you get the job? Mallory: Nope. Apparently I'm under-qualified. Jake: You wouldn't have been happy selling underwear all day, anyway. Mallory: Since when was making a minimum wage job about following your bliss? Jake: It's not. That's why I'm going to Paris. Paris? Paris, Ontario? Paris, Texas? Paris, France. France? You're going to France? I got a job in a wild west show. In Paris? Who are you? An international man of adventure? I'm just a cowboy following his dream. See ya. [Tool clunks] Hey, Jack! You need some help? No, not from you, I don't. You should take advantage of my generosity, you know, 'cause pretty soon I'm gonna be too busy to be generous. [Chuckles] [Suv rumbles to a stop] Dad?! Hi, Lou! Tell me that you know nothing about buff burger coming to town. I think you're the one who needs the help. I might have gotten a call or two from buff chomsky. And why would he call you? He needs somebody local to help run his new operation. And he chose you? Dad, I don't even know what to say. How about "congratulations on your new business opportunity," dad? Lou: Congratulate you on turning a small town icon into a burger franchise? Over my dead body. You know what? You want a fight? You got one! [Chuckles] What? She'll get over it. Jack: Yeah, she'll get over it. You are in for a world of hurt. Lou: Oh, the mayor's busy. No, actually I cannot wait until the town council meeting. Because by then Maggie's will be a buff burger franchise. Message? Yeah, yeah. You bet I do. How about this: Our heritage means more to us voters than a bison burger on a bun. [Sighs] Did you guys lose something? Um, my engagement ring. I kind of took it off and... You'd think she would've learned her lesson. Amy, you lost your engagement ring? I misplaced it, okay? Just don't tell Ty. I haven't lost it yet, all right? I just haven't found it. Lou: That is why I never take my ring off. Ever since Peter told me what happened when his ex-wife dropped her ring down the toilet at his parents' farm. Ew. Did they ever find it? Oh yeah, yeah, they found it. But by the time they drained the septic tank, the marriage was already over. [Sighs] Hey, Scott, come check this out. They haven't updated their website in over a year. Oh yeah. Some of these horses have gone to horse heaven already. Like blue - blue roan. Ty: Yeah, and bucky the big bay. Oh, his lab results came in. I put them on your desk there. Scott: So did you look at them? Find out what killed him? Ty: Well, you were right about the fibrous tissue in the heart muscle. I was wrong about the pathogen. It turns out there was a slow build up of toxins in his tissues. So my guess would be it was something in the environment that killed him. So what next, Dr. borden? I think I'm gonna pay lonesome trails a visit. Okay. Mm-hm. This is definitely in the ball park. Enh. No ensuite bathroom. Look at this open plan. I love that one. With two kids? I like doors. Okay, good. Fine. That's no problem. We'll find something one of these years. I'm sorry. I'm just a little bit distracted. But uh... Yeah, I read your latest blog post. Oh, did you? As soon as I put it up, I got like 76 replies. Crazy! But, you know, no one can believe some creep can just waltz into town and turn a heritage site into a burger franchise. I must have missed that. When was Maggie's declared a heritage site? It's... on-going. You know, it's a work in progress. Mm-hm. So instead of looking for a house, you're gonna become a crusader to save Maggie's, is that- no, honey, it's not like that. Well, what's it like then? Please tell me 'cause I'm... Is it a family feud with your dad or something? Okay, I'm sor- just do me a favour and ask yourself what's important to you and your family, okay? And I really hope the answer's not a diner and a feed store. [Birds chirp] Mallory: Here's something I can do. "Petite models wanted. Must have your own car. No experience necessary." No, no. Okay, look, if you really need work, between the dude ranch and babysitting, there's always a ton to do around here. Okay, but you're not giving up on Maggie's! You know, the for sale sign is still in the window. Actually, I've decided, from now on, I'm putting my family first. I'm sorry, but you need Maggie's and, more importantly, Maggie's needs you! And why is that? Because if someone doesn't do something fast, the entire main street is gonna be renovated out of existence. It's not a renovation, okay? It's a tear down. That's what buff burger does. They just come in and they destroy the whole place. Why wouldn't they? What do they care? They don't. I sorta wish I didn't either. [Sighs] [Birds chirp] Adele: You're a vet? We didn't call a vet. Ty: Well, actually, I'm a vet student. Dr. cardinal, he asked me to come by and re-check the horses after their vaccinations to make sure there's no adverse reactions. Raymond: Good idea. With camp starting in a week, better safe than sorry. Okay. [Chickens cluck] Ty: This one looks good. No swelling at the injection site. Raymond: At lonesome trails, we're all about the horses. You see, Adele and me, we're not selling a product. We offer an experience. The triple c's: Communication, cooperation, compromise. It equals... [Inhales deeply] Perfect harmony. Ty: Well, I'm all for harmony, but you shouldn't keep chickens so close to your horses there. Raymond: Those birds, they have the run of the place. Campers, they get a real kick out of 'em. Ty: I'll bet. I'm sure you're aware that some chicken feed has additives that aren't good for horses. Additives? Stuff they put in feed to promote growth. It's for poultry. But if horses eat it, it could build up in their system. So? Well, it can eventually kill them. What are you talking about? Our horses eat grain and hay, not chicken feed. Maybe not on purpose, but they are eating it. You had a horse die last summer, his name was blue. Don't talk to me about blue. And then the bay - I think his name was bucky. Bucky? Bucky's dead, too? Ty: He died from a build up of toxins in his system. So what? You're calling me a horse killer now? No. You see how these things get started? Raymond: It's okay, Adele. Adele: No, Raymond, it's not. Listen, friend, I suggest you mind your own business. How long do you think you're gonna be? I need half an hour. I'll give you fifteen minutes. Sorry, pal. Lou: You guys, great timing. I need the kitchen. Georgie: What are you making? Lou: Muffins. For Maggie's. Amy: Really, Lou? A bake sale? Come on. Lou: No, no, no, see, the muffins are to remind people what they'll miss out on. First, they eat the muffin, then they sign the petition. [Groans] Georgie: Ew... Nasty. Let's see what we got here. There's hair, potato peel, fingernail clippings. All: [Grossed out] Ugh! No ring? If it's not in this p-trap, it must have gone into the septic tank. Grampa, please? No. Not... no! No. What the hell? [Sighs] Amy, tell me this isn't ridiculous. You know what's in here, don't ya? Amy: Oh! Come on, grampa, we've got to at least try. You owe me for this. Ty: Something wrong with the septic tank? No, the tank's fine. Georgie: But something else really smells. [Sniffs] You! Yeah, me. Okay, I just got finished cleaning all the chicken crap out of my truck. A little "gift" from the lonesome trails cowboy camp. Or more like a message - don't come back. Why don't you tell me all about it. We'll get you into some sweatpants so I can wash those jeans. Well... here goes nothing. [SCENE_BREAK] Where is everybody? Lou: They'll be here. I contacted all the local media and I even posted an online petition. So they will come. Mallory: Well, at least we got one concerned citizen. Tim: Where is everybody? What's this one? Looks like banana... crunch. Mm. How much? I'm not here to raise money, dad. I'm here to raise awareness. Tim: Lou, this buff burger thing, it makes a lot of financial sense. I can show you their numbers and projections. Honey, why don't you go in on it with me. Dad, you don't get it, do you? I want Maggie's to stay the way it is; You want to turn it into a franchise. Tim: Here I thought you were a businesswoman. Lou: For your information, complete strangers have been sending in online donations. Buff burger is going down and you are going down with it! Tim: No. Nobody's gonna stop buff burger unless they make a better offer and buy the damn place. So maybe I will. Maybe I will buy the damn place! Well, it's gonna take real money, not nickel and dime donations. Do you know how much they're asking for it? Yeah, I do, and I can handle it no problem. You think Peter's gonna let you touch that insurance money? You're crazy. I'd rather be crazy than a conniving opportunist who could care less about his community. The thing about opportunists, Lou, is that we don't waste our time on lost causes. Lou: Oh, talk about a lost cause! Only a fool would go up against his own daughter, especially if that daughter is me! Fine! You wanna make this personal? You're on! That's for the muffin. Keep it! Looks like you're gonna need it the way things are going. Thank you. Mallory: Hey, Tim! Lou doesn't want your money. No, no, keep it. I'm sorry you had to see that. A couple of hot-heads goin' at it. Runs in the family. Yeah, well, that's the beautiful thing about families, Mallory, you fight, you make up. You know, for Lou and I, it's water off a duck's back. Really? You're talking about Lou. The one who was so mad at you she was turning purple? Let me ask you something. What is so wrong with a buffalo Patty on a bun? Nothing. I actually prefer it over beef. Exactly. When I get that franchise going... When I get that franchise going, there's a job in it for you. Okay. But I wouldn't wanna be a waitress. I mean... If I were to work for you, I'd want to be manager. Manager, wow! Striking while the iron's hot. Didn't know you were an opportunist. See, despite what my daughter might say, being an opportunist is a good thing, manager Mallory. I gotta run. Hey. Hey. Coming to bed? Yeah, in a sec. Uh, do you want to take a look at something? Check this out. I, uh, found these photos in the city archives. The building actually dates back to 1902. Peter: Hmm. And here I'm thinking you were looking at real estate listings. I'm making my presentation tomorrow. What presentation? To who? The town council. Tomorrow? Well, we're looking at real estate tomorrow. We got appointments, all these listings. I know, I know. But honey, if you can patient with me for a couple more days, then once I can get Maggie's declared a heritage site, buff burger will be out of the equation. And then what, Lou? And then I can buy the building for something pretty reasonable. Oh! Buy the building? [Yells] You wanna buy the building?! Keep your voice down! What is reasonable about that? Honestly! How're you going to pay for it? What, you got money hidden under the mattress I don't know about or something? I'm working on a business plan, okay? Okay, work on this. Every cent from that insurance settlement has to go into the purchase of our new house. Okay. Georgie: New house? Why do we need a new house? I don't want to move. I like it here. Georgie. [Sighs] [Bedroom door slams] Perfect. [Katie starts wailing] Even better. Tomorrow morning, I'm gonna go look at houses, okay? I've taken time off work. I cleared my schedule, I made it my priority. I really hope you do the same. Lou: Peter. Daddy's coming, Katie. Jack: So... I gotta agree with Peter. Just give it up, Lou. Just move on. I thought I was the good guy here. [Sighs] Mallory: Lou, the meeting's about to start, where are you? Now? You're gonna look for houses now? I'm sorry, Mallory, but I'm doing what I have to do. Georgie: I don't want to move and neither does Katie! Peter: We're not moving. We're looking for a place, right? That we all like, and when we find it then we'll talk about moving, okay? Ty: Uh, Lou, have you seen my jeans that Amy washed for me? Uh, they're right here. Oh, yeah. Oh, thanks. Are you looking for something? Uh, no. Nothing. It's just... Did you happen to see anything in the washer or the dryer? The anything you didn't lose? Uh, no, but you're welcome to have a look. Peter: All right, ready to go? Lou: Are you kidding? It's gonna be great! Road trip! Peter: What's uh- what's he doing here? Lou: I don't know. Tim: Hey, I'm glad I caught you, guys. Lou: Dad, bad timing, okay? We have a thing. Tim: Lou, I know we have our differences, but there's always time for family. Come here, I got something for you. I've got a surprise for you! Okay, here he is, everybody! Oh, he's so cute! Look, Katie, your first pony! Here you go. Let's just see. A real life pogy. [Laughing] Here we go! Georgie: Do you wanna go on a ride? Let's go for a ride. Come on, pogy. Tim: Let's go. Can you believe Lou just weaseled out like that? I was counting on that manager job. Well, there's always buff burger. Maybe you could talk to Tim. I already did. Does that make me just as weaselly as Lou? What are you talking about? I only cared about a stupid job. Lou was fighting for our history. In a couple of months, the kids in this town are just gonna be scarfing down buffalo burgers. And they're not gonna give a thought to how Hudson was a pioneer town on a stagecoach line. Or that this place is more than chain restaurants and big box stores. Well, you sold me... Bet you could sell him too. The mayor? You think I should talk to the mayor? What would I say? Plenty. Excuse me. Excuse me, Mr. mayor. Hi, I'm Mallory Wells. Georgie: Brush the pony, Katie. Good job. You're gotta press nice and hard, or else you're just tickling him. Tim: So did Lou ever tell you that she and Amy had ponies before they could even walk? Probably not. Georgie: Can I take Katie for a ride? Peter: Sure. I'll come with you! Georgie: Okay. Peter: You wanna go for a ride?! Let's go, come on. Georgie: Come on, pogy. Tim: Lou, that little pony... It's like a family tradition. Actually, dad, it's like bribery. Tim: Lou! Lou, slow down! Honey, listen, help me understand something. You and I don't agree on a business deal and now I can't buy gifts for my granddaughter? So you can worm your way back into my good books? You got this wrong. This buff burger idea was not some... Part of a conspiracy to ruin your life. I wanted to build something. I wanted to leave something for you kids. Dad, I wanna build something too, and if you bothered to do any research, you would have seen that Maggie's has always turned a decent profit. If you compare that to the exorbitant franchise fees you'd be paying... [Phone vibrates] Hang on, I gotta take this. Hello! Buff! Yeah! Well, what do you mean? Well, why is that my fault? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Yeah, well, same to y- [button beeps, phone auto dials] We gotta talk. Peter: Hey. Better be good. I'm missing a pony ride for this. Tim: Yeah, it's good, so just listen. Buff chomsky didn't get his zoning change. The town council just declared the entire block a heritage site. Okay, I'm still not seeing how this is good news for me? Buff chomsky won't be buying Maggie's to tear it down for his damn franchise, so Lou can put in an offer. She can probably pick it up for a song. Okay, I don't know if you've heard yet or not, Tim, but we're not interested in Maggie's. We're trying to buy a house right now. I'm missing my real estate appointment for this. Oh, really? Yeah. With two kids at home and a husband who's away half the time, why would Lou want to sit in a house by herself when she's got a perfectly good home here at heartland? See? Thanks. I'm done here, Tim. It's not about you, general. It's about your wife, my daughter. It's about Lou putting her heart and soul into a labour of love and making money hand over fist while she's at it. What? What? Are you not seeing what I'm saying here? You know what I'm seeing, honestly? It's just someone who's doing a one-eighty. That's it. Okay, yeah. I was a jerk. I was a jerk for backing buff chomsky and not my daughter. But now you have a chance to be a bigger jerk by standing in your wife's way. I don't know what you want from me here, Tim, okay? I'm not made of money, all right? And even if they have re-zoned it or it's a heritage site now or whatever, Maggie's is not gonna come cheap, I'm telling you. Not cheap. Not cheap, but doable... If I get involved and help out. What do you mean help out? What? You talking about a loan or something? Joint investment. I'll take the money I was gonna put in that stupid franchise and I'll back my daughter instead. I'll tell you, the problem with that is, the way things have been going with you and Lou, she's never gonna go for it. Doesn't have to know. Huh? Doesn't have to know. What's that, we just shake hands and... Your word and a handshake and that's it? It's all it takes when you're family. Georgie: What if we get arrested? Amy: It's not gonna happen. Ty: All I need is a small sample of the chicken feed that they're using, okay? Georgie: Well, why don't you just ask them? They were a little defensive before. Georgie: Well, yeah, their camp sucks. I mean all you have to do is go online. A couple of kids saw a horse die last year, now no one wants to go back. I mean I would never want to go there. But you're gonna pretend like you do, right? Right, Georgie? Yeah. Okay, let's go. Raymond: Georgie, you are gonna love it here. And your auntie Amy tells me you're a real horse crazy kid. Georgie: Auntie Amy? [Chickens cluck] [Door creaks open] Adele: Our campers come from all over the world. Such a great group. Georgie: Do we have to shower in groups? 'Cause that's not gonna happen. [Chickens cluck] [Feed rattles] Amy: Hey, so why don't we check out the cabins where Georgie will be staying? Georgie: Yeah, I'd really like that. Raymond: But you haven't met the horses yet. Amy: Yeah, but you see, Georgie is really particular about her sleeping arrangements. [Loud clunk, chickens cluck] Raymond: Hey! Hey you! Adele: I thought you got the message. You're not welcome here. Ty: All right, let me explain. I was just collecting some feed samples. No, you're trespassing is what you're doing. Adele, go call the cops. Wait! Hold on a second. Hold on! Hold on, okay? Look, I'm not trying to ruin your business. I think I know what's poisoning your horses. Raymond: We run a riding camp! Why would we poison our horses? Not on purpose, okay? This chicken feed, it contains monensin it's that growth additive that I was telling you about. Your horses are eating it. That's why they're dying. Georgie: Yeah, and your cred is like zero. All you have to do is go online. Raymond: Tell me about it. Do you guys have any idea what it's like to have your name dragged through the mud? Adele: Horse killer. That's what they're calling me on Facebook and that Twitter. Raymond: Families we've known for years have stopped sending their kids here. Adele: Once something like that starts, you can't put the genie back in the bottle. Ty: We just wanna help, okay? All you gotta do is move a few bags of feed, clean up your barn, and keep your chickens away from your horses and you can prevent another horse from getting sick. Might be too late for that. [Horse snorts, heavy breathing] Raymond: His name's catwalk. Everyone's favourite. Yesterday, he wouldn't touch his hay. Just not being himself. Ty: His heart rate is through the roof right now. I keep walking him, try to make him drink. Just figured it's colic. Ty: Yeah, well, monensin poisoning has the same symptoms. We gotta get him to the clinic or he might not make it till tomorrow. We can't let that happen again. And we won't. Okay, let's go [clicks his tongue] Come on. Come on. [Dogs bark] Amy: How is he? He's good. He's hanging in there. I have to say, I'm pretty impressed with you right now. Well, don't be. Amy, I gotta tell you something. I screwed up big time. What are you talking about? Your ring? I lost it. You lost it? You left it by the sink in the kitchen that night and I put it in my jeans pocket and then you washed my jeans. And I can't find it. I searched everywhere, Amy. I've looked everywhere. Is that what you and Jack were doing the septic tank? Like I said, everywhere. So here I was breaking my back and the ring was in your pocket the whole time? Ty: Well, it was. Now I'm gonna be saving up for a new one. Amy: I guess you'll just have to propose to me all over again. Ty: Well, you better say yes the first time. [Phone rings] Lou: Excuse me. Uh, hello? Hi. Real estate agent. Georgie: Congratulations on your new house. Oh, for your information, miss smarty pants, she's not calling about a house. Lou: What? No way. Okay. Okay. [Lou clears her throat] So they accepted the offer... And we just bought Maggie's! Congratulations! That is so amazing! And just how do you plan to manage all this? Hire good people, stay out of the day-to-day. Yeah. We'll see how long that lasts. Georgie: So we don't have to move? Peter: Ah, well, no. No, for the time being, we're gonna stay right where we are. We'll put the whole house hunting thing on hold for now, I guess. Lou: Did I marry the right guy? Am I lucky or what? Luck had nothing to do with it. What's that supposed to mean? It means that... Everyone should be very proud of you... Because Lou bought a diner! Let's have a toast to that! Lou: I did! I absolutely did. Amy: Way to go, Lou! [Sighs] What have we done? I have no idea. Pj's. What do you think? Ice cream cones? Mm-hm. No? How about elephants? Do you like those? Katie: Mm-hm. Lou: No? I usually let her pick her own. Okay, go crazy. So, your new manager starts tomorrow. That's great, Mallory. But you know being a manager, it's a full-time job. Perfect. And I promised Peter I'd be hands off. I need someone, you know, long term. That's me. But, Mallory, what if you decide to go to school in the fall? It's not gonna happen. But what if it does? I need someone I can trust one hundred percent to take care of absolutely everything. Someone like me. The same someone who talked to the mayor. Zoning change denied. Heritage site done. Wait... that was you? Yeah. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but if that doesn't prove that I'm committed... What you did was amazing and I can't thank you enough. But, you know, commitment is only part of it. Being a manger is a huge job and for someone who's only waitressed part-time, I just- I don't think you're ready. Amy: Hey. I just wanted to say congrats and you're crazy... [Laughing] And good luck. Thanks, I think. Amy: Good night, Katie. Picking out your own pajamas. Lou: Yeah. What's that? What you got there? Oh... [Laughing] Katie, you found the ring, honey! Good girl. You know, I talked to Scott today. He says the horses are doing really well. Oh, good, that's a relief. Hey, you wanna know what else is a relief? What's that? You found it! Where did you find it?! Actually, Katie found it. [Sighs] Amy... I want you know that... Ring or no ring, I will always be there for you and I will always love you. I'll always love you too. [Chuckles] What? Uh... I guess I was just hoping that you would propose again. [Laughing] Well... Let's see if I remember how to do this. Amy Fleming... Will you still marry me? Amy: Hmm... I guess so. [Laughing] It kinda takes the surprise out of it, doesn't it? ♪ Tie me a circle from a piece of string ♪ ♪ And I will wear it as your ring ♪ ♪ know there ain't nothing I wouldn't give to you ♪ ♪ If you asked me to ♪
Plan: A: a dead horse; Q: What do Amy and Georgie find? A: Ty; Q: Who keeps losing Amy's engagement ring? A: a mission; Q: What do Scott and Ty embark on after finding a dead horse? A: peril; Q: What could other horses be in? A: Lou; Q: Who buys Maggie's? A: a fight; Q: What do Lou and Tim have when Tim tries to rebrand Maggie's into a soulless fast food franchise? Summary: Amy and Georgie find a dead horse, which leads Scott and Ty on a mission to discover why it died and to learn if other horses could be in peril. At the same time, Lou and Tim find themselves on opposite ends of a fight when Tim attempts to rebrand Maggie's into a soulless fast food franchise. Lou buys Maggie's. Ty and Amy keep losing her engagement ring.
[Lucas' Hospital Room] KAREN: Hey, easy there tough guy, you'll pop a stitch. LUCAS: It's just a drawer, Mom. I'm not helpless. KAREN: You will be if you keep this up. What are you looking for? LUCAS: The book Keith dropped off. (She hands him the book) I don't get it. You know, Dan does one decent thing and you cut him some slack. And yet Keith makes one mistake and you cut him out. DOCTOR: How are we doing today? LUCAS: Like I had my spleen ripped out. DOCTOR: You'll be sore for a while. LUCAS: What about basketball? Will I get it back? The way it was? DOCTOR: Your shoulder was pretty badly damaged. Full recovery may not be possible. (Lucas is disappointed) [Scott House] (The phone rings) NATHAN: (looking at the I.D.) It's him DEB: Don't pick up. (The answering machine picks up, Dan is talking, trying to get Deb to pick up) Your father is refusing to cooperate with the attorneys. So, this custody thing may end up in front of a judge. If that happens, things could get ugly, sweetie. But I want you to know, I'm only trying to protect you. Nathan. NATHAN: (pushing off on the machine) How great is it that dad has an off button now? Look, Mom, I think you're doing the right thing for yourself. Even for him. DEB: It's you I'm worried about, Honey. NATHAN: Well don't. I get it. You and dad splitting up is a good thing. [Lucas' House] (Karen and Luke are coming in from the hospital) KAREN: The nurse said you set a new VWU record. Visitors While Unconscious. You know Whitey came to see you, and Deb, and the guys from the River Court. LUCAS: Anybody else from school? Peyton? KAREN: Once. I saw her holding your hand and talking to you. LUCAS: And she never came back? KAREN: I don't think so, why? (Opens Lucas' bedroom door to see Brooke inside) BROOKE: Surprise! (They look around at many plants and flowers around his room) KAREN: Oh wow. BROOKE: What? Bad idea? LUCAS: No, no you just surprised me. BROOKE: Then mission accomplished. I Fung Swayed your room. It promotes healing. I just wanted to say, Welcome Home, Boyfriend. (kisses him) LUCAS: Can we have a minute, Mom? KAREN: Keep it short, you need to be in bed. (leaves the room) BROOKE: Hey I want you to know I'm here for you. Whatever you need. And if she's not home, I might even give you a sponge bath. LUCAS: Actually I can't do that for a while. BROOKE: What? Bathe? LUCAS: No. You know. s*x. BROOKE: Oh. That sucks. A little cardio might just be what you need though. What? LUCAS: I'm just going to need some time to figure some stuff out. BROOKE: Whatever you need, I'm here for you. LUCAS: Yeah see that's the thing. BROOKE: Are you breaking up with me? LUCAS: I just think it's the best thing for right now. BROOKE: Maybe for you. LUCAS: Brooke, I'm sorry. BROOKE: Apparently not enough. (Leaves the house crying) [Lawyer's Office] CYNTHIA: Dan, Deb has made it more than clear that she intends to divorce you. DAN: Or murder me. Did she tell you she threatened to stab me in my sleep? DEB: It was a figure of speech. DAN: Your client's trying to shut me out of my son's life and I won't let that happen. DEB: Dan. DAN: And you know you can't throw me out of the house without a court order. CYNTHIA: You already moved out. DAN: That's because I was threatened with physical bodily harm. I did what I had to do to protect myself. And now that things have calmed down, I don't know. Maybe I'll move back in. DEB: I'll get a restraining order. I'll prove what an abusive son of a @#%$ you really are. DAN: The gloves are coming off, huh, Deb? Fine. See you're calling the shots here, I'm just following the lead. All that stuff from your past may have to come out, Deb. DEB: Do you really want to do that to Nathan? DAN: No, Deb the question is, do you? [Lucas' Room] (Checking his messages) PEYTON: (Voice) Hey it's me. Peyton. Where are you? I really want to see you. Give me a call. [River Court] (Lucas takes off his sling and starts playing basketball. Peyton catches the ball and they kiss. When they pull away Brooke is standing behind them) [Lucas' Room] (Lucas is sleeping) HALEY: Lucas. Lucas? What hurts the most? LUCAS: All of it. HALEY: So you broke up with Brooke to be with Peyton? LUCAS: You think that's wrong? HALEY: Oh I'm not in any position to judge, but the heart wants what it wants. Right? At least Brooke knows the truth now. Anyway, I should let you get some rest. (Hugs him) LUCAS: You look good. HALEY: Thank you. By the way, you're lucky you didn't die cause I would have killed you. LUCAS: I Love you too. (Peyton comes into his room) Peyton? HALEY: Hey I'm going to go elsewhere. (She leaves. Peyton rushes over and starts kissing Lucas) PEYTON: I was so afraid you weren't going to wake up. LUCAS: What? And miss out on being with you? When you never came to the hospital, I started to worry that maybe you changed your mind. PEYTON: No it was just all too weird with Brooke there. I started to tell her about us, the night of you accident, but then Haley called and everything changed. LUCAS: I figured. That's why I ended things with Brooke today. PEYTON: You did? Did you tell her why? LUCAS: I told her I needed to focus on getting well. PEYTON: Maybe I should tell her the rest. LUCAS: Sure could you just give me a few days to straighten up? Okay? Then we'll tell her together. Like we said. Besides, we're not exactly going to be dating in the mean time, you know? (They kiss but Peyton's phone rings. The I.D. says "Brooke's Cell" She pushes end to stop it from ringing) [River Court] (Lucas is walking around looking at Peyton's heart drawing) KAREN: Am I going to have to tie you to your bed to make you rest? LUCAS: I'm sorry KAREN: The next time you leave the house, I'll be cashing in your life insurance. Want to tell me what's going on? LUCAS: What do you mean? KAREN: Brooke's waiting for you when you get home from the hospital. Peyton's there when I show up after work. What happened when I went to Italy? I thought you were interested in Peyton. LUCAS: I was. It just got too complicated. You know I don't know where she stood with me, and so I started dating Brooke. KAREN: You know when I first met Brooke I thought she was a little nutty. But the way she looked after you. She proved me wrong. She's crazy about you and I think that's a good thing. LUCAS: Actually I broke up with Brooke yesterday. KAREN: What? Why? LUCAS: I'd rather not talk about it. KAREN: Okay. But when you want to I'm here alright? [Inside the Mall] (Haley and Peyton walking) HALEY: Peyton, what's the matter? PEYTON: Um. (They end up right in front of Brooke sitting alone on a bench) BROOKE: Peyton? I looked all over for you. You didn't get my messages? PEYTON: Really? Oh no my phone's been whacked out all day. Are you okay? BROOKE: (Crying) Not really, no. I said I wasn't going to do this and I said that it wasn't worth it but it is. Lucas broke up with me. PEYTON: I'm sorry. BROOKE: (Crying) I was looking forward to getting a chance to show him how much he means to me and he said he just wants to be friends. And every idiot knows that that's just code for go away. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. PEYTON: Look if Lucas said he wants to be friends, I'm sure he means it. BROOKE: How do you do that with Lucas? (Peyton looks to Haley) HALEY: You just sort of do everything that you've been doing without the s*x part. BROOKE: There's a first time for everything, right? [Haley's Room] NATHAN: Wait a minute, is this... HALEY: What? NATHAN: Is this a new outfit? HALEY: He noticed. Yes, it is, it's all part of the new me. Do you like? NATHAN: Yeah but what's wrong with the old you? HALEY: Nothing, I just thought I'd branch out into some new things. NATHAN: This could be good. Like what? HALEY: I don't know there's a lot of stuff I wanted to try that I never did. NATHAN: Like fooling around with me. HALEY: (Playfully slaps him) Like snowboarding. NATHAN: Okay well I can teach you how to do that too. HALEY: Yeah? Cool. NATHAN: What else? HALEY: Singing. NATHAN: Do you sing? HALEY: I, no, I mean I sing when no one's around. NATHAN: Well I think you should sing for me sometime. HALEY: Okay, right yeah. I'll catch you on the slopes. NATHAN: You know. I don't know how I'd deal with all this crap with my parents if you weren't around. HALEY: Well you're welcome. NATHAN: I'm serious. It's like the worst things get with my parents. The better things get with you. HALEY: Are things really awful with your parents? NATHAN: It's a war zone. And I'm stuck with whoever's got the best lawyer. HALEY: Oh that's...you should know your rights. NATHAN: It's not like I have any. HALEY: No, you do, let's find out. Knowledge is power. (gets on an internet search) [Lucas' House] (Jake puts a paper bag in front of Lucas) LUCAS: What's that? JAKE: This is a playstation 2. From the team. Even Nathan kicked in. We got you NBA Shoot Out, And NCAA Final 4. Keep you in the game till you get back. LUCAS: Yeah, well the doctor says I might not be back. JAKE: Well don't listen to them. I mean ultimately that's up to you right? LUCAS: I guess so. JAKE: Hey so I had a...I had a question for you. Do you know if your mom's hiring at the café? Because I have to get a part time job and I was thinking maybe... LUCAS: You want me to talk to her? JAKE: You know if you wanted to put in a good word for me that's cool. (Someone knocks on the door) You're popular today, huh? (Keith comes in) LUCAS: Keith (they hug) It's good to see you. KEITH: You too. Hey Jake. JAKE: Glad to see you're okay. Anyway I got to head out so, hang in there, Luke. LUCAS: Tell the team thanks for me. (Jake leaves) So where've you been? KEITH: I was just waiting for a chance when your mom wouldn't be here. So how you doing? LUCAS: Alive. You look pretty banged up. KEITH: I got off easy. Luke, I, um, I want you to know how sorry I am about what happened. LUCAS: I know that. Keith come on. KEITH: I should have had those beers. I just freaked out about your mom coming home. I just kept thinking, what if Italy changed her? What if after having that experience she doesn't want to settle for a guy with permanent grease stains? LUCAS: It happened. Alright? I know you weren't drunk, so... KEITH: Yeah I wish your mom believed that. LUCAS: She'll get over it. I'm working on her. So Dan actually saved me, huh? KEITH: Yeah. I have to say most of the time he's an @#%$ but that night, he was definitely a hero. LUCAS: Where am I supposed to put that? KEITH: Just be grateful I guess. (Karen comes in) Hey. I was just leaving. I'll see ya. LUCAS: Mom. KAREN: Get back in bed. [Scott Body Shop] (Keith is on the phone) KEITH: Well I can't pay unless I make the repair and I cant' make the repair unless you send me the part. Cash up front? Since when? Alright, fine, fine. Bye. (Karen comes in) KAREN: Here's the stuff you left at the house. KEITH: You didn't need to do that. KAREN: And I'm going to pay you back. Every penny of Lucas' medical bills. It may take me a while, but I'll get the money to you. KEITH: It wasn't a loan, Karen. KAREN: Yes it was. KEITH: I made a mistake. KAREN: Keith, I nearly lost my son because of that mistake. I'm sorry but I can't change what happened. KEITH: I wish I could. (She walks away) [Scott House] (Dan tries to unlock the door and it won't work) DAN: What the hell? (Knocks. Deb comes to the other side) DEB: What do you want? DAN: What'd you do? Change the locks? DEB: My attorney's advice. DAN: That's great, would you open the door please? We need to talk. DEB: Not going to happen, Dan. You have something to say, you say it to my lawyer. (Nathan comes up behind Dan) DAN: Damn it, Deb, open the...(looks back at Nathan) NATHAN: What's going on? DAN: Your mother's on crack, she changed the locks on my house. Will you open the damn door? DEB: No! You have to leave. DAN: Fine. Come on, Nathan I'll buy you breakfast. (Deb opens the door) DEB: Nathan. DAN: Hey do you mind? I need to talk to my son. DEB: Yes I do mind. I mean it Dan. DAN: Okay this is what I'm talking about, it's sad to see that the lady... NATHAN: Stop! Stop! You guys don't get to decide who I live with, alright? I do. DAN: What are you talking about? NATHAN: Look it up. It's not your decision. All I have to do is take my case to the judge. And right now I don't know if I want to live with either of you two. (He goes into the house) DAN: Okay. (He leaves, Deb shuts the door) [SCENE_BREAK] [Karen's Café] JAKE: Hey I really appreciate this, Ms. Roe. KAREN: Oh please, call me Karen. And don't worry about it. Lucas put in a good word for you. You got your first table. (Jake goes to clean a table when his phone rings) JAKE: Everything okay, dad? You're kidding, well I just started. No. Okay, no, I know. Yeah. (hangs up) Ms. Roe? I'm really sorry about this but I got to go. KAREN: Is something wrong? JAKE: Well my dad just got called into work so there's no one to watch Jenny. KAREN: Is that your sister? JAKE: That's my daughter. Lucas didn't tell you? KAREN: Apparently not. JAKE: I'm really sorry to do this but I... KAREN: No it's okay. Just give me a call. JAKE: Okay. [Peyton's room] (She's sitting at the computer drawing. Lucas sends her an instant message) LUCAS: Where've you been? I'm going nuts! PEYTON: Sorry. Got a strip due. (She goes back to drawing Brooke crying with the words "He said he just wants to be friends" over here. Lucas writes back) LUCAS: You could work on it here. I love to watch you draw. (We see Lucas watching Peyton on her web cam while she types back) PEYTON: All my stuff is here. LUCAS: C'mon.... I miss you! PEYTON: I can't. Sorry. Gotta go. (She signs off line; Lucas is disappointed) [Lucas' House] (Brooke knocks. Karen is sitting at the table) KAREN: Come in BROOKE: Hi. KAREN: Oh, Brooke. Hi. BROOKE: Lucas told you we broke up? KAREN: Actually, yeah. BROOKE: Okay. I know he said he needed some space but I was on the internet and I found this website about Splenectomies and it recommended this herbal tea so, I picked some up for Lucas. KAREN: That was very sweet of you. He's asleep right now but I'll brew him a cup when he wakes up. BROOKE: Will you tell him I said hi? KAREN: Yeah. BROOKE: (Noticing the table covered in pictures) What is all this? KAREN: Oh I was putting together a scrapbook from my trip. You want to see? BROOKE: Great. [Scott House] DEB: I am sorry to put you through this, the divorce I mean. NATHAN: It's a little late for that, Mom. DEB: And I know I wasn't always there for you. I guess it was easier to avoid going head to head with your father. And I'm sorry you had to pay the price for that. NATHAN: Yeah DEB: Can you tell me where you're at? NATHAN: I'm kind of tired of all the lying and the fighting. I'm feeling like I'm caught in the middle of it all. DEB: That will end. As soon as the divorce is final. I just, I want you to stay with me, Nate. NATHAN: Things are going to change? DEB: I promise you. NATHAN: Okay. DEB: I love you, Nathan. NATHAN: Yeah. You too. [Lucas' House] (Karen and Brooke are still going through the pictures) BROOKE: So did you ever actually do any cooking while you were there? KAREN: Are you kidding? It was culinary boot camp. But we had our Sunday's free. So it was all about fitting the entire country into 6 days. BROOKE: Where was this one taken? KAREN: Oh that's Piazza of San Marco in Venice. It was so beautiful. BROOKE: I'd love to go there someday. (Lucas opens his door behind them and listens) KAREN: I don't even know how to describe it, Brooke. I got to be an entirely different person for a little while. I almost didn't want to come back. BROOKE: Yeah. When things are really special it makes it that much harder to let go. KAREN: Lucas is going through a pretty tough time right now. BROOKE: I know. I'm hoping that maybe when he feels better he'll take another chance on me. (Lucas goes back into his room. He takes off his splint, grabs his coat and goes out the door) [Peyton's room] (She's drawing, Lucas knocks on the door) PEYTON: Lucas what are you... LUCAS: I wanted to see you PEYTON: The doctor said you shouldn't be out. What are you crazy? LUCAS: Probably. I just had to get out of there, you know? I can't get you out of my head. I wish we could just fast forward these next 6 months. This messed up thing with Brooke. So we could just be together. What's going on Peyton? You sign off fast. You...Ah PEYTON: What? Are you okay? LUCAS: Can I just lay down? PEYTON: Lucas. Oh my God you're burning up. (She picks up her phone) LUCAS: What are you doing? PEYTON: I'm calling your mom LUCAS: She's with Brooke. [Karen and Brooke in the Kitchen] KAREN: Well I should go check on Lucas. BROOKE: Will you let me? KAREN: Yeah. BROOKE: (In Lucas' room) Lucas? (The phone rings) KAREN: Hello? Peyton. What?! Can you get him to the emergency room I'll meet you there. Brooke. It's Lucas. I got to go. BROOKE: Yeah I'm coming with you. [Hospital room] (Peyton is pacing around Lucas' bed. He starts to wake up) PEYTON: Hey. You're back. LUCAS: How long was I out? PEYTON: Just a couple of minutes. Luke what are we going to do? (Karen and Brooke come in) KAREN: My God Lucas are you alright? LUCAS: Yeah I think so. PEYTON: The doctor said his fever's going down. KAREN: Where were you? BROOKE: Peyton. LUCAS: I was down at the river court. I know I shouldn't have but I had to get out. I guess I over did it. I started feeling pretty bad and Peyton drove by. PEYTON: So now that you guys are here I should probably go. KAREN: Thank you, Peyton. PEYTON: Sure. I'll see you guys later. LUCAS: I'm sorry. KAREN: Yeah you should be. Honestly, Lucas... LUCAS: Mom, just wait and not yell at me now. Until we get home. BROOKE: You going to be okay? LUCAS: Yeah (Brooke leaves) [Beach House-outside] DAN: You want a drink? NATHAN: Since when do you let me drink? DAN: You're old enough. NATHAN: Look, Dad. DAN: I know things haven't been easy on you lately. To be honest, when you told us that it's you who gets to choose who you're staying with, I was relieved. NATHAN: You were? DAN: Absolutely. Cause you're a smart kid. And you know what's best for you right? NATHAN: Yeah, yeah and that's why I came... DAN: You know I've been there for you your whole life. And I admit, sometimes too much. But, it's only because I care about you. And I've been trying to pick up the slack for your mom whose been focused on her work all these years. I wish she wouldn't go through with this. But she's doing what she feels she has to do. So I'm just going to have to do the same. NATHAN: Meaning what? DAN: I'm going to have to make some tough choices where she's concerned. But you should know, this is all in service of you. NATHAN: What are you planning on doing, Dad? DAN: She's trying to steal you away from me, Nate. So I'm going to fight her. By making things as difficult for her as I can. And the sad part is, and you know how lawyers work, they're going to make her out to be an unfit mother. By using all the time she was absent against her. And there's other stuff as well. NATHAN: What other stuff? DAN: Anything they can find out about her. NATHAN: Like what, Dad? DAN: Come stay with me, Nate. I'll back off and let this divorce go through as quickly as possible. You'd be better off with me. You'd be doing your mother a favor as well. NATHAN: Dad look I just want to know what you're talking about. What other stuff with mom? DAN: Go live with her and find out. [Lucas' House] (Karen and Lucas are coming inside) KAREN: Sit down. Now, tell me why you and Peyton were really together. LUCAS: I told you. KAREN: Lucas, you're lying to me. And you wouldn't be unless you're doing something you're not proud of. LUCAS: I went to see Peyton. We want to be together KAREN: Behind Brookes back? LUCAS: I broke up with Brooke. KAREN: But apparently you didn't tell her about Peyton. And that's a shabby way to treat someone who's really been there for you. LUCAS: Kind of like the way you're treating Keith. KAREN: Don't change the subject. LUCAS: Mom I heard you talking to Brooke, about Italy. You know, I know you had this great time. It was amazing. But you know what I think you're blaming Keith for taking that away from you. KAREN: I blame Keith for nearly killing you. LUCAS: No you weren't there, Mom! You don't know how excited he was to see that you were coming home. KAREN: Lucas. LUCAS: No, he had a couple of beers because he was nervous about you coming back the way you guys left things. He wasn't drunk. Why are you pushing somebody out of your life who really and truly cares about you? KAREN: Why are you? [Bank] KEITH: That doesn't look like a yes face. WOMAN: I'm sorry Mr. Scott, your account history is working against your loan application. KEITH: What does that mean? WOMAN: Well, given your average monthly income and what your new mortgage payment would be, it's not a very reassuring picture. KEITH: Well look, business is good. I mean, you know, it's... WOMAN: We're also concerned that withdrew virtually all of your savings. That's usually a sign of trouble. KEITH: Look my nephew nearly died in a car accident. I paid the medical bills, I just... WOMAN: I wish I could help you. [Karen's café] (Jake comes in with Jenny) HALEY: Hey. Hey sweetie. I'm glad you brought Jenny. JAKE: Yeah. Hey Ms. Roe. Can I talk to you for a sec? KAREN: It's Karen, remember? Oh she's beautiful. What's up? JAKE: Well look I'm really sorry about this but I don't think this is going to work out. Because now my mom, she's got the flu, and you know she can't watch Jenny and I can't keep flaking out on you like this. KAREN: It's okay, Jake, I understand. Come here I want to show you something. (They go behind the counter to a crib) This was Lucas'. And I can't throw anything away so, when you need to bring Jenny, it's fine. JAKE: You'd let me do that? KAREN: I wasn't much older than you when I had Lucas. I know how hard it is to ask for help. But sometimes it's okay to have someone give you a hand JAKE: I don't know what to say KAREN: Say thank you, and get to work. [Scott House] DEB: You were out late last night. NATHAN: There was some stuff I had to take care of. DEB: Try to remember to call, honey. (Nathan puts a suitcase on the table) What's that? NATHAN: Look, mom, you and I both know that no matter what we do, no matter what happens, dad's not going to let up until he wins. It's just the way he's wired. So I'm going to save us all one huge headache. DEB: Nathan what did he say to you? What did he do? NATHAN: No, mom apparently the question is what did you do? DEB: If your father is threatening you, you have to tell me the truth. NATHAN: Why am I the only one who has to tell the truth around here? DEB: Nathan what did he say. NATHAN: He told me that there's some things that you don't want people to know about you. And that he'd use it against you in court. Maybe you can tell me he's bluffing. DEB: I made some mistakes in the past. NATHAN: What kind of mistakes? DEB: The kind that should stay in the past. None of it had anything to do with you or how much I love you, Nathan you have to trust me. NATHAN: I already tried that. I'll be back later to get the rest of my stuff. DEB: Nathan please listen to me. NATHAN: You want to keep your secrets, Mom? Fine. I'm gonna help you do that. (They go outside and Dan is sitting in the car. Nathan gets in; They drive off) [Scott Body Shop] KAREN: Keith, you got a minute? I don't want to dance around this. KEITH: Dance around what? KAREN: Us. Where we're at now. I left you with the most important thing in my life and you let me down at a time when I really thought we had something. KEITH: We do. Those 6 weeks were amazing to me. For once I felt like I was in Lucas' life in a real way. I mean you have to know how much that meant to me. KAREN: I don't doubt that, but. KEITH: I know. It doesn't change what happened, right? I wasn't drunk, Karen. KAREN: I know that. But that's not what this is about. KEITH: Well I want you to know, one of these days, you're going to look at me and you're going to see the person you used to see. KAREN: Where does that leave us now? KEITH: I guess it doesn't. [Lucas' house-Outside] (Peyton knocks on his back door) PEYTON: How you feeling? LUCAS: Okay I guess. And not so okay. PEYTON: Me too. (they both walk outside and sit on the porch) Lucas LUCAS: Peyton PEYTON: When I saw you lying there in the hospital right after the accident all I could think about was how my mom wasn't was luck as you. And then I remembered, after she died, it was Brooke who was there for me. We were just little kids and she would come over, every single day, to make sure I was okay. She's been my best friend ever since. LUCAS: Well life's short, Peyton. PEYTON: Too short to live it as a bad person. I cant betray her, Lucas. LUCAS: You mean even more than we already have. (She gets up to leave) Peyton. I'm sorry. PEYTON: Me too. But it's better this way, right? LUCAS: Yeah. (she walks away starting to cry) [Karen's Café] (Nathan comes in after they're closed to see Haley) HALEY: Hey NATHAN: Hey you're still here. HALEY: How are you? I'm always here. Are you okay? NATHAN: Whatever I said last time you asked me that question probably still applies. HALEY: Want to get some coffee? There's some left if you want to talk about it. NATHAN: Actually I'm kind of tired of talking about it. HALEY: Oh, okay. Well if there's anything I can do to help, let me know. NATHAN: Well I was thinking about what you said, about living in the moment. Well I realized, that if I'm going to live in the moment, then I just want to live in it with you. (kisses her) So were you serious? About doing something for me? HALEY: Well that depends. What is it? (He looks towards the piano) Nathan...no. NATHAN: Here's your chance. Come on you said you do anything to help me and this would really help me take my mind off things. HALEY: You asked for it. NATHAN: Yeah, I did. (She sits down and plays Elsewhere by Sarah McLachlan) I love the time and in between the calm inside me in the space where I can breathe I believe there is a distance I have wandered to touch upon the years of reaching out and reaching in holding out holding in [Karen sitting at the table looking at pictures of her, Keith and Lucas when he was a baby] I believe this is heaven to no one else but me and I'll defend it long as I can be left here to linger in silence if I choose to would you try to understand [Nathan and Dan moving into the beach house] Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free the mold that clings like desperation [Keith putting his business up for sale] Mother don't you see I've got to live my life the way I feel is right for me say it's not right for you but it's right for me... I believe this is heaven to no one else but me and I'll defend it as long as I can be left here to linger in silence if I choose to would you try to understand [Peyton's room] (She's drawing on the bed. Brooke comes in) BROOKE: Hey PEYTON: You're out late. BROOKE: Lucky thing you finding Lucas like that. If you didn't come along, who knows what might have happened. PEYTON: Everything turned out okay. BROOKE: No, not really. I don't know what hurts worse, you and Lucas sneaking around behind my back or you lying about it to my face. PEYTON: Brooke BROOKE: No. The next time you want to steal my boyfriend, you might want to turn that thing off. (Looks to the web cam) I went into his room to check on him and his computer was on. I know you two were together. He meant everything to me, Peyton. And I was ready to try and be his friend if that's what he needed. And now I don't really care if I see either one of you again. (She walks out. Peyton looks at the web cam. Lucas is watching her on his screen)
Plan: A: Lucas; Q: Who breaks things off with Brooke and secretly rekindles his romance with Peyton? A: the wrong choice; Q: What does Lucas decide he made between Brooke and Peyton? A: the truth; Q: What becomes obvious when Lucas is rushed to the emergency room again? A: the emergency room; Q: Where is Lucas rushed to after his near-death experience? A: the girls; Q: Who comes face to face in the hospital? A: his mortgage; Q: What is Keith unable to pay after paying Lucas' hospital bill? A: Keith; Q: Who puts his garage up for sale? A: The Flaming Lips; Q: What band did the episode "The Garage Sale" come from? Summary: After his near-death experience, Lucas decides he made the wrong choice between Brooke and Peyton so he breaks things off with Brooke and secretly rekindles his romance with Peyton. However, the truth becomes obvious after he is rushed to the emergency room again and the girls come face to face in the hospital. Meanwhile, unable to pay his mortgage after paying Lucas' hospital bill, Keith puts his garage up for sale. This episode is named after a song by The Flaming Lips .
[Salvatore's house] (Stefan is doing exercises in his bedroom. Damon enters with a glass of blood in his hands) Damon: You can turn it out a little bit? It's not annoying yet Stefan: Sorry (Damon switches off the music) Damon: When are you going back to school? Stefan: Soon (Stefan is on the floor, making push-ups) Damon: Oh come on. Just drink already. Come on, this self-detox is not natural (He puts the glass next to Stefan) Stefan: You can get that away from me please? Damon: How long have you take to wing yourself of the last time you've yield off? (Stefan is still doing exercises) Damon: It's not good Stefan: I'll be fine; it just takes a little bit of time Damon: I don't get it; you know, you don't have to kill to survive. That's what blood banks are for. I haven't hunt in a human in... God way too long Stefan: Oh I'm impressed Damon: It's completely self-serving. I'm trying to get the town off the trail of vampires which is not very easy considering that there is an entire tomb of them running around Stefan: What are we planning on doing about that? Damon: We are not going to do much of anything if you don't restrength. There's nothing wrong with part taking in a healthy diet of human blood from a blood bank. You're not actually killing anyone Stefan: I have my reasons Damon: What are those holly little reasons? We never actually discuss that. You know, I'll love to hear this story (Damon is sitting down on the couch) Stefan: You're really enjoying this aren't you? Just watching me struggle? Damon: Very much Stefan: I hate to break into you Damon but... I actually have it under complete control Damon: You do? Well, then you should just carry on, making the rest of us vampires look bad (He gets up) Damon: Have a great day Stefan (He leaves and let the glass on the table. Stefan goes toward the glass, he seems uncomfortable. Damon returns) Damon: oh, hey, I almost forgot. Oops (He takes the glass and leaves. He drinks and looks at Stefan with a smile. Stefan looks upset and uncomfortable) [Gilbert's house] (Elena and Jenna are in the Hall. They are hurry) Elena: Come on Jeremy, we have school! Walking at the door now! Jenna: Forgot his (She gives her a thermos) Elena: Thank you (She opens the door, John is here, he was about to knock) John (with a smile): Elena! Elena: Uncle John! Hi John (looking at Jenna): Jenna Jenna: John, you made it John: I said I'll be here by nine (He enters in the house) Jenna: Oh what you say and what you do are typically two very different things (Jeremy goes down the stairs) Jeremy: Uncle John, what's up? John: Hey! (Jeremy slaps him on the shoulder and leaves) John: I had some business in town; I thought that a visit was in order Elena: How long are you staying? John: I don't know yet Elena: ok, I've got to go to school, I see you later (She leaves; Jenna looks at her and closes the door) John: So what's up with Jeremy? Jenna: He just lost a friend, so try to be sensitive John (laughing): I'm always sensitive Jenna: Right, so really how long are you staying? John: Can you at least pretend that you're happy to see me? Jenna (joking): oh my god John! It's so good to see you. How have you been? (She becomes serious again): No, I can't John: Do you really think that I was just gonna sign the papers and send them back? Jenna: Actually I did John: I'm not going to let you sell my brother's office Jenna: It's not up to you or me; it belongs to Jeremy and Elena John: Yeah but they're minors, so I get the final say, I have to deal with it [Mystic Fall's high school) (Matt and Elena are in the hallway) Elena: He said his trip is open ended Matt: Uncle John, I never really liked that guy Elena: Does anyone? Matt: I'm here for moral support if you need me Elena: Thanks, I think I'll suffer this one alone; you've been through enough Matt: Thank you by the way, for just... for everything you did at Vicki's funeral. I couldn't have done it without you Elena: Of course Matt (Long pause, they look at each other) Elena: So, was Caroline still baking for you guys, around the clock? Caroline: She finally went to her dad, which is a good thing because my mom was going to strangle her if she dropped out for more lasagna (He closes his locker and they leave) (Jeremy is outside, is sitting on a couch, listening to music. Tyler arrives and sits down with him. He offers him a cigarette) Jeremy: No thanks Tyler: What's your problem? Jeremy: I just don't want any Tyler: Okay; they say she OD Jeremy: That's what I don't get, she was doing okay Tyler: Apparently not Jeremy: How did she end up buried in the woods? That's what I don't understand Tyler: By whoever was with her when she OD Jeremy: Yeah but when you leave her there you don't take the time to bury her Tyler: Maybe she saw something and... Hell man, I don't know [Founder's hall] (Damon arrives and meets the rest of the council for a reunion) Sheriff Forbes: The coroner office has officially ruled Vicky's Donovan's death a drug overdose. Her family has been notified, the truth will stay in this room and we can put this behind us Mayor Lockwood: Thank you Sheriff. And on to a more pressing issue, John Gilbert has asked to say a few words (Damon seems surprised) Mayor Lockwood: Welcome back John, it's good to see you John: Hello everyone, it's wonderful to see you, I wished it were on better circumstances. As a founding family member I found it's my duty to report some very distressing news (Damon speaking discretely to the Sheriff) Damon: He's a Gilbert? Sheriff Forbes: Elena's uncle. His name is John but I call him Jackass John: A hospital blood bank in the neighboring county of Amherst has reported several breakings over the past two weeks. 7 hunters, 4 campers and 2 states employees have been reported missing as well. All of this was in a 75 miles radius of Mystic Falls (Mayor Lockwood interrupts him) Mayor Lockwood: Okay okay, no need to get alarmed right at this moment Sheriff Forbes (To Damon): Mean he doesn't want to cancel the founders' day kickoff party John: You think all of your problems are over but I'm here to tell you, nothing's been solved (Damon seems uncomfortable) [Mystic Fall's high school] (Alaric is in his classroom with Elena) Alaric: I made a copy of a paper Jeremy wrote for me. I think you should take a look at it (He gives the paper to Elena. She reads the title: fact or fiction: The truth about vampires in Mystic Falls) Elena: Jeremy wrote this? Alaric: It's very clear that he didn't think it was real Elena: I really hope you're right because I've done so much to protect him from all of this (She gives him back the paper) Alaric: So, how do you deal with it? Elena: What do you mean? Alaric: With all the lies and the secrets. You have to lie to everyone who's important to you Elena: It's not safe for them to know the truth. So yes I keep it from them, but it's only because I love them (Long pause) Alaric: I think Stefan is a good guy. But at the end of the day he's still a vampire Elena: I know it's hard to understand but Stefan is different. He'll never do anything to hurt me [Gilbert's house] (John and Jeremy are eating in the kitchen. Jenna is here too) Jeremy: I've no interest in the founder's day kickoff party John: Sure you do its tradition Jenna: It will be our role to break the tradition John: The Gilberts have been a part of this town for a hundred and fifty years. We're one of the founding families and with that distinction comes certain obligations including going to the party. One day, when you'll can appreciate the significance I'll tell you all about your heritage Jenna: Hmm, the Gilbert's family legacy. I forgot how secret it was. I'm not a Gilbert so I was never cool enough to hear it Jeremy (To John): Why did she hate you? John: We used to sleep together (Jenna throws him something) Jenna: I'm standing right here (Elena is in her bedroom with Stefan) Elena: Why would he write a report on vampires? Do you think he's trying to remember? Stefan: Damon took away those memories for good, you don't have to worry about that. I tell you what: why don't you just ask him? Elena: I... I can't Stefan: Why not? I mean if he doesn't know anything this is just an innocent question Elena: I don't even know how to talk to him anymore. I mean, we used to be a lot more open with each other. But now, with all these secrets just pilling up... You know, I haven't even told him that I am adopted yet Stefan: Maybe it's time you start open up to him again. I'm not saying you should tell him everything but just try to find out what he does know and be prepared for it (She touches his face) Elena: What about you, how are you doing? Stefan: Much, much better. I'm still, you know... a little jittery, a little bit on edge but I'm gonna be okay Elena: I've been really worried about you and I missed you Stefan: I just needed to let it go for a while and let my body rejust. It's only been a few days Elena: It feels like a lifetime (They kiss each other) Stefan: I've missed you too (They kiss again and begin to lay on the bed. Elena goes on him and kisses him. Stefan pushes her and goes on her and kisses her but it seems that he's not okay) Elena: Stefan what's wrong? Stefan? (His face is changing. He rushes himself against the wall, he breaks a lamp. He tries to control himself. Elena seems afraid) (Someone knock on the door. Elena opens, it's Damon) Elena: Oh god you're here Damon: You ask I come. I'm easy like that (Elena tells him to shut and shows him that Jeremy is eating cereals in the kitchen. She asks him to follow her upstairs) Damon (loud): No Elena I will not go to your bedroom with you (She catches his arm. He laughs and go upstairs with her. Jeremy looks at them. Elena and Damon enter in her bedroom) Damon: Oh, just like I remember Elena: Stop messing around (He lays on her bed and takes the teddy bear with him) Damon: Did you know that your uncle has been kicking at the founder council? Elena: What? Damon: Yep Elena: Perfect, we'll just add it to the list of how everything is falling apart (Damon looks at the broken lamp) Damon: What happened right there? Elena: Uh... nothing (She seems uncomfortable. He looks at her) Elena: Look Damon, I'm worried about Stefan. He says that everything's okay but he's clearly struggling. How long it is gonna take before he's going back to normal? Damon: A few days. Give or take Elena: It's been a few days Damon: Give then, I don't know. What's the big deal? (He gets up and gives her the teddy bear) Elena: He's not himself Damon (Damon is going toward the piece of furniture, opens the drawer and looks in it) Damon: Well, maybe his problem is that he has spent too long not being himself (He takes a bra from the drawer. Elena takes it from him and put it back in the drawer) Elena: Please don't make me sorry for asking you (He takes a picture from the mirror; she tries to take it back) Damon: It is what it is Elena. The Stefan you know was "good behavior Stefan", 'under control Stefan", "Fight his nature into an annoying excessive level Stefan" but if you think there isn't another part to this then you have not been paying attention (Elena recuperates the picture) Elena: He's not you, not even close Damon: Because he doesn't want to be me. That doesn't mean that deep down he's not (He gets closer to her, looks at her and leaves) [Salvatore's house] (Stefan is looking for a book. He seems to be stressed. He drinks a glass of scotch) [Gilbert's house] (Jeremy is in his bedroom. Someone knock on the door. It's Elena) Elena: Hey Jeremy: What's up? Elena: Do you have some time to talk? Jeremy: Uh, yeah, sure Elena: Not here. Come on; let's get out of the house [A lake] (Elena and Jeremy are walking) Jeremy: I just can't believe mom and dad never told you that you were adopted Elena: Sure they would have eventually Jeremy: Why were you worried about what I'll think? Elena: Because... I don't know it's weird. Going you're whole lives thinking you're related by blood to someone Jeremy: Does it bother you we're not? Elena: No, Jer... you're my brother that's all that matters (He smiles) Elena: So, Mr. Saltzman said you've been doing great in history now Jeremy: Yeah yeah is has really been helping me out. He gave me some extra credits and stuff Elena: He loved your vampire paper Jeremy: He thought I had a clever angle Elena: What drew you to that subject matter? Jeremy: I don't know, boredom or maybe I'm just as nuts as long line of Gilbert crazies Elena: Gilberts aren't crazy Jeremy: Easy for you to say, you're not one (She stops) Elena: Ouch (She hits him with her shoulder and run after him) [Founder's hall] (Founder's day 150 anniversary kick-off party) (Stefan and Damon are arriving) Stefan: Oh god! I shouldn't be here Damon: Come on, don't be a darner, it's a party for the founding families! That would be us. That would be rude to skip it Stefan: You know, I really liked you a lot better when you hated everybody Damon: Oh I still do. I just love that they love me (He laughs and looks at Stefan) Damon: How are you feeling? Stefan: I'm good, I'm fine Damon: No cravings? No urges? Is that whisky you've been drinking all day doing his job? (Stefan laughs) Damon: We are who we are Stefan. Nothing's gonna change that Stefan: Ah! Nothing will make you happier to just see me given up hein Damon? Damon: Whatever, it's inevitable Stefan: Well, I'm gonna find Elena (He leaves) Damon: Don't embarrass me young man! (Stefan takes a glass of whisky and drinks it) (Mayor Lockwood and Tyler are talking with Matt and Kelly) Mayor Lockwood: I'm so glad you can join us tonight Kelly: It was nice of you to reach out to us Mayor Lockwood: This town is one big family, when we lose a member we all have to come together (He takes their hands) Mayor Lockwood: Matt Matt: Mayor (Mayor Lockwood looks at his son and leaves, he leaves too) Kelly: Well I guess dead kid rate a special greeting from the mayor Matt: God mom! Kelly: I need a drink (She leaves. Tyler arrives with a bottle of alcohol) Tyler: check this out! Matt: Your dad is going to beat you down if he catches you Tyler: Yeah. I'll love if he tries Matt: screw him! (He takes the bottle and drinks) (Stefan is at the bar drinking. Elena arrives. He sees her, put the glass on the bar and shakes his arm) Elena: Hey! Stefan: Hey. How are you (He kisses her on the cheek) Elena: Are you drunk? Stefan: Okay, I know it's a little weird but it's really helping me. The alcohol takes the edge off Elena: You're totally that drunken high school guy that parties sneaking booze Stefan: I totally am yeah Elena: How worried do I need to be? Stefan: Oh no! you don't need to be worried. It's just until the cravings go away. Listen, I think we should enjoy it while it lasts. Would you like to dance with me? Elena: You hate dancing. I usually have to beg you Stefan: No, no, no you have to beg sober me. The drunk me there is no begging necessary (She looks at the dance floor) Elena: There's no one dancing Stefan: That's because they need something better to dance to. I'll be right back (He leaves and Kelly arrives) Kelly: Yeah... That's not gonna work. I already tried to buy the guy with 20 box and a date. He said Carol Lockwood has complete control over the music choices) (Elena looks at Stefan. He is compelling the DJ) Elena: You'd be surprised by what Stefan can accomplish when he puts his mind to it (The music change) Kelly: Thank god! (Kelly is dancing with Stefan. Damon rejoins Elena at the bar and looks at Stefan) Damon: Have I entered an alternate universe where Stefan is fun? Elena: Is he gonna be okay? Damon: Eventually. One way or another (They look at each other, and then they're watching Stefan. Damon smiles) (Elena and Jenna are laughing together. Elena sees Alaric) Elena: History teacher at three o' clock Jenna: How do I look? Elena: Beautiful (Alaric rejoins them) Alaric (to Jenna): I was looking for you Jenna: Here I am. I haven't seen you in a while Alaric: Well uh... (He looks at Elena) Things have been a little crazy but I'm here now. Do you want to get a drink? Jenna: Sure Alaric: Okay cool (They look at Elena and leave. Matt arrives) Matt: When did this happen? Elena: DJ had a change of heart Matt: Do you want to dance? Elena: I don't know Matt: Yes Elena: Matt! (He catches her waist and makes her dance) (Damon is walking and rejoins the Sheriff) Damon: You know I love a woman in uniform but I have to sigh with this one. You look... you look smashing (She laughs) Sheriff Forbes: thank you Damon. Cheers! I needed that. You know I had my doubts about you at first but like everyone else in the council you've won me over Damon: Thanks Liz. It's really nice how welcoming the council has been. I like my life here in Mystic Falls. Sort of feel like home again Sheriff Forbes: Well, you're not gonna like what I have to tell you. Jonathan Gilbert's claims check out. Blood bank, the missing people, all is true. We might have a problem (Jeremy arrives and interrupts them) Jeremy: Excuse me Sheriff. I was curious if there's been any more information about what happened to Vicky Donovan? Sheriff Forbes: It was an overdose Jeremy Jeremy: Yeah but her body was buried. Somebody must have done that (Damon is really uncomfortable) Sheriff Forbes: We're aware of that. The investigation is ongoing but there's nothing more I can tell you at this time. I'm sorry Jeremy: It's okay (Elena and Matt are dancing. He leaves. Elena falls into Stefan) Stefan: Please dance with your alcoholic vampire boyfriend (They dance and Elena pushes a man) The man: Wow! Watch it! Elena: I'm sorry, my fault, I'm clumsy The man: Then get off the dance floor Elena: Excuse me? Stefan: It's not a way to talk to a lady The man: Whatever (He leaves but Stefan catches his arm and compels him) Stefan: I think you need to apologize The man: I'm sorry Stefan: Now say it like you mean it The man: I'm really, really sorry Elena: Stefan its fine Stefan: Now walk away (He pushes him. The man leaves. Elena seems upset) (Damon is at the bar. Elena rejoins him) Elena: Have you noticed what your brother has been up to? Damon: No, I have been too preoccupied with yours (She looks at him) Damon: Jeremy has been asking questions about Vicky Donovan's death Elena: He knows that her death was ruled by an overdose Damon: Really? "Oh but sheriff, someone buried her. Who would do that?" I know I know! Me! I may compel him but he's wearing vervain Elena: No, I don't want you to compel him Damon: If he keeps asking questions... Elena: Damon no I'm serious. I'm not going to do that to him again. I handle it (Damon takes a rose and gives it to her) Damon: okay. Don't say I didn't warned you (She takes the rose, they look at each other and he leaves) (Kelly finishes her drink and puts the glass in a plant. Tyler looks at her) Tyler: I saw that Kelly: Shut! We keep that between you and me. Where is the lady's room? Tyler: This way, I show you Kelly (watching his glass): Is that soda? (She takes his glass and drinks) Kelly: Vodka. Thank god! [SCENE_BREAK] (Damon in on the balcony. John rejoins him) John: Damon right? Damon: John John: We didn't get the chance to meet at the council meeting Damon: Yeah. That's a pleasure. Are you enjoying the kick-off? John: Oh yeah. I forgot how much fun these small town celebrations can be Damon: Yeah. When was the last time you were here? John: Hasn't been that long, my brother's funeral. How long have you been in town? Damon: Well, not long at all John: So what do you think Damon? You know this vampire problem is real right? It's a potential blood bath Damon: I would not overreact John John: Oh, I think it's like 1864 all over again, vampires running a mock. I guess we just gonna have to hunt them down, throw them in a church and burn them to ache Damon: This is the story hein? John: Part of the story, yeah Damon: Oh, there's more? John: Oh there's lot more. See, it seems there was a tomb under the church, where vampires were hidden, waiting for someone to come along and set them free. But you already knew that didn't you? (Damon doesn't look at him. He's uncomfortable) John: Because you're the one that did it Damon: And you're telling me this why? John: I just thought we get the introduction out of the way Damon: You know that I could rip your throat out before anyone would notice? John: Yeah Damon: Yeah, okay. But you probably ingested vervain so... John: Why don't you take a bite to find out? Damon (smiling): This not worth my time (They look at each other and smile. Damon leaves but he rushes on John with his power. He breaks John's neck and throws him over the balcony. He smiles and leaves) (Jeremy is sitting on a couch. Elena rejoins him) Elena: Jer? I heard about your conversation with Sheriff Forbes Jeremy: No one is trying to figure out what happened to her. They all want to believe that she ODED Elena: Coroner's office confirmed it. If that's what they say happened then... Jeremy: Is that what you believe? Elena: What do you think happened? Jeremy: I think that somebody killed her and buried her body and I don't think we should write it off just 'cause it's easy Elena: They're just doing what they can to move on Jeremy: The truth is the only thing that gonna help people to move on Elena: Jer, just let it go okay? Whatever it was she's gone now Jeremy: Whatever it was? So you don't think it was an overdose? Elena: Yes... I do Jeremy: Is there something you're not telling me? (Elena is really uncomfortable) Jeremy: Why aren't you looking at me? Elena: Sorry, that doesn't mean anything Jeremy: If there was something else you'd telling me right? (Long pause) Elena: Of course I would (Jeremy looks at her, suspicious) (Kelly and Tyler are outside. They laugh and are a little bit drunk) Kelly: Oh god! I can't even walk Tyler: know, me neither Kelly: Oh my god, Matt is going to kill me Tyler: He won't even notice. I think he's actually having some fun for once Kelly: Yeah, I know I just should be on my best behavior because of Vicky but I don't want to think about it. I can't, because if I do... Tyler: Yeah, I was a dick to her, I was really bad. That's what I hate is I can't make any of it right. It's like I don't deserve to even miss her (Kelly touches him) Kelly: You're nice to talk to me. I don't have anyone to talk to (Long pause during which they are looking each other) Tyler: I don't have anyone to talk to either (They are closer, and smile) (Elena is walking and falls into Matt) Matt: Who knew I've been missing all the fun at the founder's parties? Elena: This is rare believe me Matt: Is it bad that I'm enjoying myself? Elena: No it's great that you are enjoying yourself. Thanks for making me dance Matt: Hey, it's normal (They embrace each other) Matt: Air, I need some air. Come with me? (Elena looks at Stefan. He's drinking) Elena: Sure Matt: You haven't seen my mom have you? Elena: No, not in a while (She looks at Stefan again. They go out. Elena sees Kelly and Tyler) Elena: Oh my god (Kelly and Tyler are kissing. Matt rushes over them and catches Tyler) Matt: What are you doing man? Kelly: Matt?! Matt (screaming): Mom! Tyler: Whoa dude calm down (Matt hits Tyler on the face. They begin to fight and in the fight they push Kelly on the floor. Tyler hits Matt again and again and again. Alaric arrives and catches Tyler) Alaric: What the hell is that? (Elena is going toward Matt. The Mayor arrives) Mayor Lockwood: I'll take it from here; I'll take it from here (To Tyler): Are you hurt? Go to clean up its okay (Tyler leaves) Mayor Lockwood: Everything is fine. Come on everybody let's get back to the party let's go. Come on, have a good time! (Elena is with Matt, he is bleeding a lot) Elena: Are you okay? Matt: Where is she? Elena: I don't know. Put your head up (She looks at his face) (Stefan is still drinking, Damon arrives) Damon: You want to hear the bad news or the really bad news? Stefan: Actually I don't want any news Damon Damon: Alright, let me rephrase. Do you want to hear how the council is back at vampire move or how I just killed Uncle John Gilbert? Stefan: What? Damon: Great party by the way hein? (He smiles and leaves. Stefan is going after him but he's hearing someone crying and a heart beating, he smells blood to. He sees Kelly crying. She's bleeding on the forehead) Stefan: Is everything alright? Kelly: No. I ruined it, I always ruin it. What is wrong with me? (Stefan is really weird; he can't take his eyes away from Kelly's forehead. He touches the blood on her forehead) Kelly: What are you doing? (He finally control himself) Stefan: Uh, I'm sorry (He gets up and leaves) (Stefan is going outside. He has blood on his fingers. He finally sucks his fingers with blood on it) (Damon is inside, dancing and looking everywhere. Suddenly he sees John Gilbert entering) Damon: You got to be kidding me (Mayor Lockwood is talking to the crowd) Mayor Lockwood: Thank you all, thank you very much, thank you. Thank you all for joining us tonight in just a few minutes we will officially begin the countdown for our upcoming founders' day celebration and it's a very special one this year. The one hundred fiftieth birthday of our town and I would like to welcome back one of our town favorite's sons to do the honors of ringing our official bell. John Gilbert, would you please join me up here? (John Gilbert applause and rejoins the mayor. Damon is looking at him) John: One hundred and fifty years of community, prosperity, family. We take care of each other, we look after each other, and we protect each other (He looks at Damon); it's good to be home (Everyone applause, Damon rejoins Alaric) Damon: Look at his right hand Alaric: Who? Damon: Town favorite's son. Look at his ring (John ring the bell, he wears the same ring that Alaric wears) Alaric: Well, it looks like mine Damon: Yeah, and that would be a big coincidence if he didn't just came back from the death 5 minutes ago. Where the hell did you get that ring? Alaric: Isobel, my wife Damon: Who gave birth to Elena, under the medical care of the esteem DR Grayson Gilbert, John's brother! (They look at John) Alaric: Do you think John knew Isobel? Damon: I think John knows a lot of things (Stefan is in the parking lot. He leaves but he falls into the man he compelled earlier. The man pushes him) The man: Sorry about that man. I really am terribly sorry Stefan: You don't want to do this man (The man pushes him again) The man: I'm sorry about that too. All I can do is apologizing. What's that about? Stefan: Get out of my way please The man: No girl to show off for now? I see what this is (He tries to hit Stefan but Stefan catches his hand and pushes the man on the floor. His face has changed. The man is afraid and hurt) The man: What are you man? [Gilbert's house] (Jeremy goes up the stairs and goes in Elena's bedroom, he looks everywhere but he doesn't find what he is looking for. He finally looks besides the painting and find Elena's diaries and begins to read it) [Founder's hall] (Stefan is above the man, looking at him. The man is on the floor, unconscious. Elena arrives and calls Stefan, he leaves. She rushes on the man) Elena: Hey! Are you okay? What happened? (The man gets up) The man: My arm. I lost my balance and fell. I'm clumsy (Tyler is alone, the mayor arrives) Mayor Lockwood: Let's go Tyler: Dad I'm sorry. I don't even know what happened. I was drinking and... I lost control. I can't explain it (The mayor slaps him on the face) Mayor Lockwood: It is the last time you ever embarrass this family [Matt's house] (Matt is doing his mother's suitcase. Kelly arrives) Kelly: What are you doing? Matt don't Matt: I can't do it anymore mom so just go alright? You've done it before so much time that I don't even count Kelly: I'm not leaving you. Matty! Matt (screaming): Mom! Don't you get it? I'm better off without you (She cries) Kelly: No, tonight was... god I'm so sorry. I know I failed you and I failed Vicky but I won't do it to you again. I promise I'll get it together Matt: I want you out of the house and my life by morning (Matt leaves. Kelly is crying) [Founder's hall] (John is going outside. Damon and Alaric follow him) Damon: Going somewhere? John: I've never liked to be the last one to leave a party. It's too desperate. You're going to kill me again or you're gonna let Mr. Saltzman do your dirty work? Alaric: Okay, you obviously know who I am John: I do. Alaric Saltzman, a high school history teacher with a secret Damon: Sure you know a lot for someone who just got to town John: More than you can imagine, Damon. My knowledge of this town goes beyond anything that you (He looks at Damon) or you (He looks at Alaric) or the council knows. So, if you're planning on some clever high speed snatch ring vampire kill move, know that if I die, everything I know goes to the council including the fascinating little tale of the originals Salvatore's brothers and their present day return to Mystic Falls. (Damon is surprised and doesn't know what to say) Alaric: How did you get that ring? John: I had herrited one, my brother gray the other. This was his (He shows his ring to them) and I wouldn't give mine to Isobel if I had known she'll handed over to another guy Damon: So you did know her John: Who do you think send her on your way which wants to become a vampire? Damon: You send her? John: Guilty. Why, did you think someone else send her? Maybe Katherine Pierce? Damon: How do you know about Katherine? John: How do I know anything Damon? Damon: What do you want? John: So many questions. It was a pleasure meeting you Rick. I heard so much about you (John leaves. Damon and Alaric look at each other and watch him) [Gilbert's house] (Jenna and Elena are going up the stairs) Jenna: No so excited that we have another month oh these founder's day events Elena: Don't tell me about it (She goes into Jeremy's bedroom) Elena: Are you okay? Jeremy: Fine Elena: Are you sure? Jeremy: I'm fine Elena (She leaves and goes into her bedroom. Stefan is here) Elena: Oh my god you scared me! Stefan: Sorry. I'm sorry I ran off earlier Elena: What happened? Is everything okay? Stefan: Uh, no Elena: Talk to me (She clothes the bathroom's door and rejoins Stefan) Elena: Stefan tell me Stefan: I tried so hard to keep together tonight and it was working, it was working but then Matt's mom, she got hurt and she was bleeding and I had her blood on my hands Elena: And then what happened? Stefan: And then that guy on the parking lot, I wanted to feed on him and it took everything inside of me not to do it Elena: But you didn't? Stefan: No, but I wanted to. Oh my god. Elena, my head is pounding. I feel like my skin is on fire. I have this hunger inside of me that I've never felt before in my entire life and all I keep thinking about is how I promised that I would never keep anything from you, and so I'm telling you this Elena: That's okay; I need you to tell me these things Stefan: But I don't want you to see me like this, I don't want you to know that this side of me exists Elena: Stefan, you're gonna get through this. I'm gonna help you go through. It's gonna be okay, you're gonna be okay (She takes his face between her hands but he rejects her and gets up) Stefan: Sorry, I can't, I'm afraid of what I could do to you Elena: I'm not (She goes towards him and takes again his face between her hands) Elena: Stefan, I'm not (She looks into his eyes and kisses him) Elena: I'm not, okay? (They embrace each other) Stefan: I love you so much Elena: Oh, I love you too [Salvatore's house] (Damon is on the couch, in front of the chimney, a glass in his hand. Stefan arrives) Damon: We have a problem Stefan and when I say problem I mean global crisis. It seems that Uncle John... (He looks at Stefan, he's not okay) Damon: You don't look so good. Its different this time isn't it? The need is too strong. Of course it would be after all these years (He puts the glass of blood on the table, looks at Stefan and gets up. He touches his shoulder and looks at him) Damon: Have a good night brother (He leaves. Stefan looks at the glass; he takes it and drinks the blood)
Plan: A: his new circumstances; Q: What is Stefan struggling to maintain control of? A: Elena; Q: Who is unable to comfort Jeremy without revealing her knowledge of vampires? A: John Gilbert; Q: Who is Elena and Jeremy's uncle? A: the Founder's Day event; Q: Where does Stefan exhibit some unusual behavior? A: Damon; Q: Who left Stefan a cup to tempt him? A: Matt; Q: Who orders Kelly to move out? A: Tyler; Q: Whose father angrily hits Matt for letting him lose his temper? A: conflict; Q: What do Matt and Tyler find themselves in after an incident at the party? A: his mother; Q: Who did Matt see making out with Tyler? A: a brutal fistfight; Q: What happens between Matt and Tyler? A: the assembled guests; Q: Who is watching the fight between Matt and Tyler? A: a ring; Q: What does John Gilbert have that Alaric has? A: every history; Q: What does John Gilbert know about Mystic Falls? A: Isobel; Q: Who is Elena's mother? A: vampires; Q: What does Elena know about that causes Jeremy to take action? A: a look; Q: What does Jeremy sneak of Elena's diary? A: Damon's cup; Q: What is Stefan drinking from? Summary: As Stefan struggles to maintain control of his new circumstances, Elena and Jeremy's uncle, John Gilbert, unexpectedly shows up in Mystic Falls. Stefan exhibits some unusual behavior at the Founder's Day event, and things turn ugly when Damon tries to find out why John Gilbert has returned. Meanwhile, Matt and Tyler find themselves in conflict after an incident at the party when Matt sees his mother making out with Tyler, which leads to a brutal fistfight between Matt and Tyler in front of the assembled guests. Afterward, Tyler's father angrily hits Tyler for letting him lose his temper, and Matt orders Kelly to move out. Damon and Alaric find out that John Gilbert has a ring just like Alaric's. John knows every history of Mystic Falls including Katherine and Elena's mother, Isobel. Elsewhere, Elena is unable to comfort Jeremy without revealing her knowledge of vampires which causes him to take action when he decides to sneak a look at her diary. Stefan is still out of control and finds himself drinking from Damon's cup which he left there to tempt Stefan.
ACT ONE Scene One - Café Nervosa Frasier gets his coffee from the counter person. Frasier: Thank you very much. He turns to Roz, who is sitting with some photos. Frasier: Well, Roz - oh! Baby pictures? Roz: Actually, these aren't the most flattering. Frasier: Oh, nonsense. Baby Alice couldn't possibly take a bad picture. [takes them and looks] Oh, well, that's just adorable, the silly little one with the jam all over her face. Roz: Well, actually that's not jam, Frasier. It's baby eczema. Frasier: Oh. Well, don't worry about that. That sort of thing is bound to clear up. [looks at next picture] Or spread. Roz: Just give them back! She snatches the photos. Niles comes in. Niles: Hello, all. Frasier: Niles. Niles: Ooh, baby pictures! Roz: Oh, I really don't want anyone to look at those! Niles: [looks anyway] Well, I don't know why not. Botticelli himself couldn't have painted a more perfect angel. Roz: Thank you, Niles! She is precious, isn't she? She gazes proudly at the photos. Niles throws a disgusted leer at Frasier, who mouths, "I know." Frasier: Anyway, Niles, uh, how did things go with Maris's lawyers? Niles: [to waiter] Cappuccino, please. [sits down] Maris is determined to prolong my suffering. She's asked to postpone our court date another eight months. Frasier: Eight months?! Niles: Yes, last night I was in such a state I almost wished I had a piano to crawl under. Roz: What? Niles: Oh, uh, it's a habit I developed as a child to combat anxiety. There's something about the safe, dark, protective environment that seemed comforting to me. Frasier: Yes, the week before his first Little League trial, he practically lived under there. Roz: Well, we all did weird stuff when we were kids. She throws a concerned look at Frasier, who mouths, "I know." The waiter brings Niles's coffee. Frasier: So, Niles, uh, how did your lawyers respond to this postponement request? Niles: Well, I can tell you they weren't very happy about it! They got on the phone, raised some hell, and got that postponement cut down to... seven months. Frasier: Niles, are you serious?! Do you think maybe it's time that you consider getting some new lawyers? Niles: Fire Harrison & Reed? They're the top firm in Seattle. Frasier: But they're bleeding you dry! Do you realize that they don't mind these postponements at all? You know the longer they draw this thing out, the more money they'll get paid. Roz: Oh, you know, I have the perfect person for you to call. My old boyfriend, Donny, he's a great lawyer! Niles: [snorts] No offense, Roz, but I highly doubt that your "Donny" is in the same league with Harrison & Reed. Roz: Don't be so sure. I mean, he's smart, he's tough, he doesn't take "no" for an answer - not that I ever tested that theory. Frasier: Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, are we talking about Donny Douglas? Roz: Yes! Frasier: Oh my God, Niles, I've read about this guy! He's the one they call "the Piranha," right? Roz: Yes, but that's partly because he has this night-grinding problem that makes his teeth really sharp and tiny. Frasier: Yes, well, anyway, Niles, I mean this guy just won a huge case. He might be just who you need. Niles: I appreciate your concern, but really my situation is not as dire as you're making it out to be. He opens his briefcase. Roz wrinkles her nose. Roz: What's that smell? Niles: What smell? Roz: The one coming out of your briefcase. Niles: Oh, I don't smell anything- Frasier turns the briefcase and looks in. Frasier: My God, is this your lunch? [pulls out] A baloney sandwich? [pulls out] And a fruit cocktail?! Oh, Niles. You see what these lawyers have reduced you to? Do you have any idea what they're having for lunch? Niles: I don't know. They don't itemize, they just bill me for the total. Roz and Frasier share a look. [SCENE_BREAK] I GUESS YOU'D CALL THEM "LEGAL BRIEFS" Scene Two - Donny's Office Maria (Donny's secretary) shows Frasier and Niles in. Maria: Donny should be here any minute. Make yourselves comfortable. Niles: Thank you. Frasier: Thank you. Maria leaves. Niles: Frasier, you really don't have to stay. Frasier: Well, I didn't have to come at all. But if I hadn't, you never would have. Well, the office seems nice enough. Might have overdone it on the plants a little. Niles: Yes, it's excess like this that's destroying the plastic rainforest. Frasier: [warning] Niles... Niles reads the diploma on the wall. Niles: Oh, University of Las Vegas! No problem finding tassels for those mortar boards. Frasier: Will you stop being such a snob? Give this man a chance, for God's sake. And please, will you have a mint? I'm halfway across the room, all I can smell is baloney! Donny Douglas walks in. He's a short, stout man who nevertheless has a sort of "lean and hungry" look about him. His less-than- impressive stature is made less impressive still by the fact that he's dressed in sweaty gym clothes, having just returned from his workout. Donny: Whoa! Hey, how you doing? Donny Douglas. How are ya, who's who? Frasier: Mr. Douglas, I'm Frasier Crane- Donny: [shaking hands] You're Frasier Crane- Frasier: This is Niles Crane. Donny: [shaking Niles's] Oh, you're Niles Crane. Frasier Crane? You're Roz's buddy, aren't you? Frasier: Yes, yes. Donny: Oh, you got to do me a favor, O.K.? Tell Roz, finally I had my teeth capped. See? He spreads his lips with his fingers, showing his teeth in a way that gives credence to his nickname, "the Piranha." Frasier: Oh yes, well, I'll tell her. Donny: Promise you won't forget? Frasier: Oh, not much danger of that. Donny: OK. Now I got to be in court in about, uh, twenty minutes, so sit down, let's get started. Frasier and Niles sit in armchairs in front of the desk. Donny removes his sweatshirt, leaving only a tank-top, and throws it in a corner. Niles: Well, as we discussed on the phone- Donny: Maria, I need my gray suit for court! [to Niles] Come on, come on, come on! As Niles speaks, Donny further distracts him by wiping his chest and armpits with a towel. Niles: Well, Maris is determined to exhaust my already-strained financial resources, and the real injustice- Donny: Yeah, and Maria, could you just cancel that four o'clock of mine? [takes off his socks and tosses them in the corner] And can you also put Joe Silva on my call sheet? [to Niles] I'm listening, I'm listening, come on, come on, come on! Niles: Yeah, well, Maris has no right to be angry with me- Maria comes in with a gray suit coat and a sandwich on a plate. Donny: Maria! You're the best, thank you so much, cool. [to Niles] What, what? Come on, come on, let's go! What? Niles: Uh... I'm sorry, I forgot what I was saying. Donny: Oh, don't worry, Maria has that effect on men all the time. Maria leaves the office, giving an "oh, stop it!" wave. Frasier: Niles, I think you were about to tell Mr. Douglas about Dr. Schenkman. Niles: Right. Well, uh, last year Maris and I were actually making progress in couples' therapy, when to my dismay I discovered that she and our therapist were- Donny: [mouth full] Oh, my God. Niles: That's right, they were- Donny: This is the best corned beef I have ever tasted. You've got to have a bite of this. Here. Come on, it's got spicy mustard! Niles: No, thanks. Donny: How about you? Frasier: Sorry, mustard allergy. As far as Niles is concerned, the interview is over. He gets up. Niles: Mr. Douglas, maybe we'll come back when you have more time. Donny: No, no, uh-uh! I got the gist. Your wife was doing your shrink, and now she's trying to bleed you with a long pre- trial. I get it. Who's her lawyer? Niles: Lockhart & Whalen. Donny: Maria, get me Lockhart! Or Whalen. Niles: Wait, wait, wait, you're calling them? Donny: Yeah. Listen, could we just cut through the formalities here? He pulls down his sweatpants, leaving only boxers underneath. Niles: Uh, OK. Donny: Niles, what you need is a guy like me representing you. What you're in here is a street fight, and you got to know who's covering your back. So, what I guarantee you is this: He wraps a towel around his waist, and then pulls his boxers down. As he makes the following points, he gestures with the hand holding them. They whip around, nearly hitting Frasier. Donny: You will never see me unprepared, you will never see me intimidated, and you will never, ever see me throw in the towel! You understand? Frasier: Let's certainly hope not. Donny looks at him blankly, then realizes the joke and laughs. Maria: [o.s.] I've got Geoff Whalen on Line One! Donny: OK, thank you! Niles: [to Frasier] May I have a word with you? Frasier: Yes. Donny puts on a headset phone. Donny: Whalen! Donny Douglas here, I'm calling about Niles Crane. Yeah... Niles pulls Frasier aside. Niles: I can't possibly let this man represent me. I'll be humiliated! Frasier: Niles, you have got to hear this man out. I'm sorry, this is exactly what you want in a lawyer, someone who's not afraid to show a little moxie! Niles: Oh, he's an inch away from showing us the Full Moxie! At the other side of the room: Donny: ...facing a counter-suit for deliberate infliction of pain and emotional distress. What, you don't think I can win? You call York & McFaddon. You see what those bastards had to pay for trying to pull this same crap on a client of mine! Frasier and Niles look at each other, surprised. Donny: Yeah, we're talking big numbers here, Whalen! You haven't seen so many zeroes lined up since Mr. Spock had a book signing! [covers the microphone] You got to hear this, come here, come here! They come over. Donny takes off the headset and hits Speakerphone. Whalen: [v.o.] Well, yes, of course it's important to be reasonable. Donny takes another bite of his sandwich and mimes Whalen shivering. Whalen: Um, I'm sure we can move a few things around and be ready for court by... next month? Frasier and Niles are amazed. Whalen: Mr. Douglas? Donny: Yeah? Whalen: Does this mean you're now representing Niles Crane? Donny looks at Niles, who gives him a thumbs-up. They shake hands. Donny: That's exactly what that means. And Whalen, I'll be in touch about a discovery schedule. [sarcastic] Have a nice day! He hangs up and makes a "Ta-Da!" gesture. Niles: Mr. Douglas, that was brilliant. Frasier: Yes. My goodness, almost makes me wish I was still married to Lilith! Donny: Now they're probably going to get rolling sometime this week with depositions. So, you know, pick a day, we'll get together, I will prepare you! But it's going to be very low-key, very casual, you know, over dinner, something like that. Maria comes in. Maria: You're due in court in ten minutes. Donny: O.K. Maria: And Donny? Donny: Yeah? Maria: [points to her cheek] Mustard. She leaves. Donny feels his cheek and finds a large spot of mustard. Donny: [laughs] Oh, oh, jeez, was that there the whole time? [Frasier and Niles shrug] That's so embarrassing! He lifts a corner of the towel to wipe his cheek. Niles and Frasier jerk their eyes away. [SCENE_BREAK] INHERIT THE LONG-WINDED Scene Three - Apartment Frasier is seated at the coffee table, Martin is in his armchair, Niles stands near him. Donny is also standing with some papers. Frasier: And indeed, I had high hopes for Niles and Maris, as is witnessed by my wedding toast, in which I combined my heartfelt sentiments with apt quotations from Shakespeare, jazz great Louis Armstrong, and the poet Catullus. Donny: [sarcastic] And so your answer would be, "Yes, I attended their wedding." Once again, Frasier, could you try to keep your answers brief? Frasier: Well, I- Martin: Trust me, he did. Frasier: All right, all right. Look, I'll try to do better. Martin: I still don't understand why they're deposing Frasier before Niles. Donny: Oh, they like to question friends and family first so they can get as much "information" as they can to try and catch Niles out in a lie. Now, look, they're also going to allege that during the separation, Niles was wasteful with money. Niles: Wha...? She's calling ME wasteful?! Donny: Mmm-hmm. Niles: Do you recall what she used to do when one of our dogs needed a shampoo? Frasier: Yes, she'd fill the bathtub with Evian! Niles: Half the time she'd just get a new dog! Donny: Anyway, look, Frasier, they might ask you if you witnessed any examples of Niles throwing money around, and your answer would be... Frasier: [pauses, then] Yes. Donny: [exasperated] No, no, no! The answer is, "not to the best of my recollection!" Frasier: But I do recall! And I'll be under oath! Donny: Oh, please, not this again. Niles: As you've probably figured out, Frasier is a bit of a stickler when it comes to his ethics, and frankly I applaud him for it. Donny: Oh, great. Daphne comes out with a pot of coffee. Daphne: More coffee, anyone? Donny: No, thank you, Daphne. I think I'm just about done here. In fact, I've got a conference call back at the office. I'm just going to check to see if that's still happening. Frasier, why don't you see if there's any more questions in there we haven't done yet, all right? He picks up the cordless phone and goes to the window. Frasier: All right, uh... [looks through list] We've done those... Oh, here's one. [reads] "Can you recall a specific incident when Maris lost her temper or behaved in a way you'd characterize as volatile or unstable?" The four of them think about it, apparently lost in thought. Then they all burst out laughing at the obvious answer. Donny: [into phone] You're kidding! No, really, well, based on what? Oh, please. Niles: Something wrong? Donny: No, it's OK. [into phone] Yeah, no, thank you, thank you, Maria, no. [hangs up] Maris's lawyers, they kill me. I mean, all week long it's been one desperate ploy after another. This one, this is the best one yet! [laughs] Frasier: Well, what is it? Donny: Oh, now they're claiming "alienation of affection." Martin: You're kidding me! After what she did? Donny: Yeah, believe it or not, now they're saying that during the marriage, Niles was in love with another woman. Daphne: Who? Donny: [casual] Oh, you. Daphne: Me?! Niles: [half happy, half surprised] Dear God! Daphne: That's absurd! [to Frasier] Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous? Frasier: Well... not to the best of my recollection. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO Scene Four - Apartment Resume: Daphne: Why on earth would they think Dr. Crane's in love with me? Donny: Oh, something about a country club ball the two of you attended a few years back. Niles: This is all based on that? Donny: Yeah. You caused quite a stir on the dance floor, or something? Daphne: Yeah, we were just putting on a show for his snobby friends. Donny: You must have been very convincing, because they're going to subpoena you for deposition. Now, look, you know, we can just call their bluff right away. You can come tomorrow morning with Frasier. Daphne: Fine by me. Donny: OK, great. Now listen, Daphne, I'm gonna have to prepare you for this, 'cause lawyers, they can twist your words around. They get a judge to buy it, because of the pre-nup, Maris can really stick it to Niles. But I've got this conference call at the office- Daphne: I could come with you. Donny: Oh, great! We'll get it done in about an hour. Daphne: Just let me grab my coat. Don't you worry, Dr. Crane! Donny: Now, Frasier, I hope you realize they are going to ask you about this business too. Frasier: Me? Donny: Yes, but don't worry. This is one time when your compulsive truth-telling won't get us into any trouble. Bye. Martin: Bye. Daphne and Donny leave the apartment. His parting shot has comforted the Crane boys about as much as we'd expect. Niles: Well, that's it. It's over. It's over and I've lost. Maris has won. Maris always wins. Martin: Niles- Niles: Niles never wins! Niles always loses! That's why Niles lives at the "Shangri-La" and drives a hatchback! Martin: Niles, now get a grip! Maris's people are just fishing. We're the only one's who know how you feel about Daphne. Niles: Today! Tomorrow, everyone will know, including Daphne. And this is how she's going to find out. I wanted to whisper it to her over a candlelight dinner, not have it read back to her by a court stenographer! Martin: What are you talking about? Frasier's not going to tell! Niles: He's gonna be under oath! What if they ask him point blank? Martin: Well, he'll just say no. Right, Fras? Frasier is silent, unsure. Martin: [worried] Fras? Frasier: Well, it's not that simple! You heard what he said, I'll be under oath. Niles: Oh my God. I can't breathe. I can't breathe! He staggers, gaping like a landed fish. Frasier grabs his neck and bows him over. Frasier: Niles, here! Put your head between your legs! I'll get you some water! He rushes to the kitchen. Martin: Niles, you'll be all right. Just take a couple of deep breaths. Niles: If I could take deep breaths it would mean I could breathe! In the kitchen, Frasier fills a water glass. Martin comes in. Martin: You're really not going to go down there tomorrow and blow it for him, are you? Frasier: Dad, there is nothing more I'd like to do than to help my brother. But I would like to find a way to do it without violating my ethics! Martin: But Maris is responsible for this divorce! Niles's feelings for Daphne has nothing to do with it! Now, if you cover for Niles you won't be doing anything wrong. Frasier: Dad, we are talking about perjury! When is that ever acceptable? Martin: Oh, you want an example? Fine! Let's say, uh, what if there was a comet hurtling towards the earth- Frasier: Oh, for God's sake! Martin: And you were the only person who could save the earth, but the only way to do it is by lying under oath. Would you do it then? Frasier: Who am I lying to, the comet? Martin: Oh, just answer the question! Frasier: All right, I suppose in certain extreme cases- Martin: So, then you'd lie? Frasier: To save mankind from a talking comet, yes! Martin: But you won't lie for Niles. Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, you make me sound like some sort of insensitive lout who's not aware that his brother's out there in pain! [takes a sip from the glass] Martin: Isn't that Niles's water? Frasier: I'm just checking to see it's not too cold! They come out. Niles has disappeared. Frasier: Niles? Niles? Niles: I'm over here. He is sitting in a crouch under the piano. Frasier: The piano, Niles! Please, please, just come out from under there. Things are not that bad. Niles: Not that bad? Daphne is going to find out about this! Martin: Not if you crawl out before she gets home. Niles's look says that Martin's joke isn't funny. Frasier: Niles, please, come out here. Now, come on. Niles: Why should I? There's nothing for me out there. It's all lawyers and ex-wives and broken hearts. All I have to contend with under here is a couple of dust bunnies... some cobwebs... some kind of a nest. Dear God, doesn't your vacuum come with any attachments? Martin: Oh, all right. Just sit tight and I'll get you a wet cloth. [to Frasier] Well, look what you've done, I hope you're happy now! Frasier: Well, do you really want to see me lying under oath?! Martin: Well, it's better than seeing your brother lying under a piano! Frasier follows Martin in to the kitchen. Martin wets a cloth in the sink. Frasier: You know, I can't believe you're being so casual about this! Do you realize you're asking me to do something completely unethical?! Martin: Oh, for God's sake, nobody's even going to know! Frasier: Yes, but that's the point! Ethics are what we do when no one else is looking! For heaven's sake, I learned that from you! Are you saying you wouldn't have any trouble with this? Martin: Niles? Here. [throws him the cloth] Niles: Thank you. Martin: [to Frasier] Let me tell you something. One time when I was on the force, I saw a guy shoot somebody. When we caught him, I started to read him his rights, but he slipped out of his cuffs and he swung at me so I didn't get a chance to finish. Two months later, I'm on the stand, and his lawyer asks me if I'd read his rights in full. Now, if I say no this guy walks, and this guy has been in and out of jail all his life, he could have read ME his rights! So I say, "yes, I did. I read them in full." I lied under oath. Now you might think that I did an unethical thing but there's not a doubt in my mind that I did the right thing. Frasier: [after a pause] Well, Dad, I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. Martin: Why do you have to make everything so complicated?! Frasier: I don't know! I just know that I'm never going to figure out anything with you barking in my ear! [gets his coat] Martin: Well, where are you going? Frasier: To get some air! He walks out the door. Martin: Oh, yeah, yeah, run away, just like you always do! [to Niles] Boy, I sometimes don't understand your brother. I guess some of us can deal with a tough situation head on, and others just need an escape. As he says this we see Niles cleaning his "escape-hole" underneath the piano, as Martin pours himself a stiff drink and takes a long sip. THEY'RE SOLID DISINFECTANTS, LADIES [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Five - Donny's Office Frasier is sitting in an armchair. Maria comes in. Maria: Dr. Crane? They'll be ready for you in just a few minutes. Frasier: Thank you. Maria leaves. Niles comes in. Niles: Frasier. Have you, uh-? Frasier: Niles - no, not yet. Daphne's still in the conference room. The place is slithering with Maris's lawyers. Niles: Never a mongoose around when you need one. [Frasier chuckles] Listen, Frasier, I'm sorry I ever put you in this position. Frasier: Niles, it's not your fault. Niles: Now listen, I thought a lot about this last night, and I realize the way I was carrying on yesterday was just making it harder for you to do whatever you feel is the right thing. Frasier: Well, honestly I'm still not really sure what the right thing is. Niles: Well, if it makes any difference, I've decided to tell Donny everything about Daphne. Frasier: Really? Niles: Yes, then he can proceed however he sees fit. Frasier: But, why, Niles? Niles: Well, I started to wonder, maybe my feelings for Daphne did affect my marriage. Maybe on some intuitive level Maris knew all along. I can't be certain that that's not what drove her to Schenkman. Frasier: [firmly] Listen to me: the only reason that marriage lasted as long as it did was because of the effort that YOU put into it. From the moment that you slipped that ring onto her bony little finger and it slipped right off again! There is no way that this divorce is your fault. Niles: I wish I could be sure of that. Donny comes in. Donny: OK, Frasier - oh, Niles! OK, good. Frasier, they're just about ready for you. Wait for me outside the conference room, will you? And DON'T go in without me. I want a word alone with your brother here. Frasier: Right. Uh, I wish there was something I could do, Niles. Niles: Well, there is. When you go home this afternoon, leave a bottle of sherry under the piano. They chuckle. Frasier turns to the door. Donny: WAIT for me. [Frasier nods and leaves] Right, Niles, I'm really glad you're here, there's something I really want to talk to you about. Niles: Yes, I need to talk to you too- Donny: No, me first. Now, the only way this relationship is going to work, Niles, is if we're completely honest with each other. Niles: I agree. Donny: Well, I've been doing a little digging. I've been finding out you've been holding out on me. Niles: And I'm very sorry about that- Donny: Well, why didn't you tell me that's where Maris's money came from? Niles: It's never easy... Maris's money? Donny: Yeah, I mean you told me that Maris's family money came from "timber?" Niles: It did. It did come from timber. Donny: Oh, that's what you really think. Niles: Well, of course. It's true. Donny: And that's what all of Maris's friends think too? All those country club snobs who would kill for a good piece of dirt on someone? Niles: Well, what are you talking about? If her family money didn't come from timber, where did it come from? Donny holds up the file he's holding with a flourish. As Niles takes it and reads, Donny sits in his chair and puts his feet up. Niles turns round with a surprised look on his face. Donny returns this with a "Roger Moore" eyebrow. Niles: Urinal cakes? Donny makes another "Ta-Da!" gesture. Niles: I don't believe this! All these years, the doyenne of Seattle's elite looking down her nose at everyone in sight, she owes it all to this. She's managed to have her urinal cake and eat it too! Donny: Yes, I think we now have what's known in the legal profession as a bargaining chip! Niles: Oh, are you kidding? She'd give anything to keep this quiet! Donny: [gets up] All right, let me go talk to Maris's lawyers. Niles: No, no, no! There's some news you'd like to deliver yourself. [picks up the phone] May I? Donny: Absolutely. Niles dials, gives a devious chuckle, and sits in Donny's chair. Niles: Hello, Marta, I'd like to speak to Maris. Oh, why not? Ah. [to Donny] She's in the final level of her guru serenity training, the week-long vow of silence: day six! [Donny rolls his eyes; into phone] No, no, Marta, that's all right. She doesn't have to come to the phone. Just give her this message: I've flushed out her family secret. [Donny punches the air; Maris rushes to the phone] Helloooooo, Maris! Niles puts his feet up on the desk. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Six - Café Nervosa Frasier and Niles come in. Niles is on top of the world. Niles: I can't remember the last time I felt this way! The air is sweeter and colors are brighter! It's as if my very senses have come alive! Frasier: It makes perfect sense, Niles. You've just won your life back. Niles: Oh, wait, Frasier, watch this! [stops a passing waiter] Excuse me? Today's special blend... [sniffs the air] Jamaican Blue Mountain. Waiter: Yes, it is. Frasier: Niles, that's very good, that's my favorite! Well done. Niles: Beans were gathered on the shady side of the northern slope... Frasier: Don't push it. They sit at a table near the counter. Niles: I still can't believe this is all over. And I never dreamed I'd get a settlement like that! I'll be able to get my whole life back - my apartment, my car! And I owe it all to one amazing man. Frasier: Well, thank you, Niles, but I can't take all the credit. [laughs] I know, you're thinking of Donny. Niles: Well, don't think I'm not grateful for all you did. Frasier: You know, actually, to tell the truth, if it hadn't been for me badgering you to change your lawyers, Donny Douglas never would have come into your life. At this point Donny literally comes into Niles's life when he walks in on the arm of our Daphne. They sit at the window booth. Niles doesn't see. Frasier: Of course, we mustn't forget Roz's part in all of this. Niles: Waiter! [to Frasier] Who understands why anything happens? I mean, it's remarkable how completely one's life can change in an instant- He turns to gesture to the waiter and sees Donny and Daphne kissing. Frasier: Oh, Niles... Niles solemnly gets up to greet them. Frasier, unsure of what he's going to do, gets up and follows him. Niles: Hi, you two. Daphne: Donny: [noticing him] Oh, hello!/Hi. Daphne: Congratulations, Dr. Crane. I'm so happy for you. Niles: Thank you, Daphne. Frasier: Well, what are you two doing here together? They overlap each other as they explain. Donny: Oh well, you know, we talked- Daphne: Oh well, after we worked on the deposition- Donny: We got a little hungry- Daphne: He took me out to dinner- Donny: Too much wine- Daphne: And we talked- Donny: And we laughed a little- Daphne: [laughs] Look at us, we sound like an old married couple! Niles's face shows that those last words have pierced his chest like a hot poker. Daphne doesn't notice, then Donny drives it home. Donny: I know. You know, Frasier, if you hadn't brought Niles to the office, then, ah, none of this would have happened. I guess I owe you one. Frasier: Well, we mustn't forget Roz's part in all this! Donny smells Daphne's hair. Donny: That scent is wonderful. What is it? Daphne doesn't know, but Niles does. He walks away with a sad look on his face which transforms the feeling of the episode totally to melancholy mode. Niles: [to himself; wonderfully acted by DHP, simple in a sad sort of way] Cherry bark and almonds. Niles goes to his chair and sits down with a miserable look on his face. Frasier consoles him and places a hand on his shoulder. END OF ACT TWO [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier is seated at the dining table reading a book. He gets up to pour himself a glass of sherry. From under the piano a hand raises a second glass, and Frasier fills that as well. Frasier picks up his book and goes to his room, saying good night to Niles, who is slumped under the piano, miserably sipping sherry. Guest Appearances Special Guest Star SAUL RUBINEK as Donny Douglass Guest Starring ALOMA WRIGHT as Maria PAUL CUSIMANO as Waiter Summary {kathy churay} Kathy Churay has written an episode summary which she has allowed me to use on this site. See the transcription for more infomation. ACT ONE SCENE 1 - Cafe Nervosa Roz is showing Frasier pictures as Niles enters to reports that Maris's lawyers are trying to prolong his torture by putting off the court date by another 8 months. Frasier asks how Niles's lawyers responded, and Niles says they got it cut down to 7 months. Frasier says it's time to consider a new lawyer, and Roz suggests her old boyfriend, Donny Douglas. Frasier is enthused -- "He's the one they call The Piranha, right?" Frasier's argument is proven when he discovers that Niles is now packing his own lunch, while the lawyers are putting their lunches on Niles's legal bill. SCENE 2 - Donny Douglas's office Frasier and Niles show up at Donny's office. Niles is full of snobbery over the office decor, Donny's degree from a less than prestigious law school, etc. Donny comes in wearing sweats, fresh from a workout. He's in a rush and is due in court in 20 minutes. He encourages Niles to tell him the facts of the divorce, but as Niles attempts to do so, Donny begins to take off his clothes to change for court. Niles tries to continue but is understandably distracted by Donny's eating his lunch, taking his clothes off, etc. Niles is ready to walk out when Donny decided to get on the phone with Niles' lawyers, and in short order browbeats them into setting a court date one month away. Very impressed, Niles agrees that Donny should represent him. As they depart Donny tells them he will contact them soon to prepare them for pre-trial depositions, just a casual dinner or something to discuss the questions that will be asked. SCENE 3 - Frasier's living room Donny, Frasier, Niles, Martin and Daphne are having coffee and discussing the testimony Frasier will give in his deposition the next morning. [Frasier has great difficulty being brief, as we all know.] Martin asks why Maris's lawyers want to depose Frasier before Niles, and Donny explains that they will want to find out as much dirt as possible from the friends and family before taking Niles' deposition, so they know what questions to ask Niles. Donny continues to go over the questions Maris's lawyers will ask Frasier. He asks whether Frasier ever noticed Niles throwing money around during the separation. Frasier says yes, and Donny corrects him. "No, no! Your answer will be, 'Not to the best of my recollection.'" Frasier protests that he can't give that answer because it's untruthful and a violation of his ethics, and Niles agrees with him. Donny is exasperated and goes to the phone to check with his office for messages. To his disgust he learns from his secretary that Maris's lawyers are making yet another desperate, outlandish accusation -- alienation of affection. Maris is alleging that Niles was in love with Daphne during the marriage. Niles is shocked but looks almost happy to hear the secret out at last. Daphne is completely disgusted at the low-down lawyer tactics and asks Frasier, "Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous?" Frasier replies uncomfortably, "Not to the best of my recollection!" ACT TWO SCENE 1 - Frasier's living room - continuation of previous scene Daphne asks why Maris's lawyers have such a ridiculous idea about her and Niles. Donny replies that she and Niles had apparently caused quite a stir at a country club dance a few years back. Daphne protests that it was all for the benefit of Niles' snobby friends, but Donny tells her the lawyers will subpoena Daphne to give a deposition about it anyway. Daphne replies bravely that she is ready, and in fact will give her deposition the next morning right after Frasier. "Don't you worry, Dr. Crane!" she tells Niles stoutly. She departs with Donny to his office, where he will prepare her for the questions she will be asked. After their departure Niles is distraught because he believes he has just lost the divorce case. [SCENE_BREAK] Martin: "Niles, get a grip. We're the only ones who know how you feel about Daphne." Niles: "Today! Tomorrow everyone will know, including Daphne. And this is how she's going to find out. I wanted to whisper it to her over a candlelight dinner, not have it read back to her by a court stenographer." Martin: "What are you talking about? Frasier's not going to tell." Niles: "He's going to be under oath. What if they ask him point blank?" Martin: "Well, he'll just say no. Right, Frasier?" [SCENE_BREAK] But Frasier can't give Martin the answer he wants, and the two get into a bitter argument over Frasier's ethics versus his loyalty to his brother. Martin argues the divorce was due to Maris's behavior, not Niles' feelings for Daphne which have nothing to do with the case. But Frasier argues that, "Ethics are what we do when no one else is looking. I learned that from you!" Meanwhile, Niles regresses to his childhood and retreats under the piano to hide. SCENE 2 - Donny's office - the next morning Frasier is waiting tensely to be called for his deposition when Niles unexpectedly shows up. He tells Frasier he plans to admit everything to Donny, and in fact is having doubts that perhaps his feelings for Daphne did contribute to the breakup of the marriage. Frasier sternly reminds Niles that he did everything he could to save the marriage and has nothing to reproach himself for. Niles is grateful for the reassurance and as Donny comes in, Frasier departs to the conference room for his deposition. Donny says he's glad to see Niles alone for a moment, because he has discovered Niles has been less than truthful with him. Niles apologizes and is about to admit the truth about Daphne when Donny reveals that the new information he's discovered is not about Daphne. It seems that Maris's family money didn't come from the sale of timber, as she's told Niles and everyone else in Seattle society. Baffled, Niles takes the file Donny hands him and reads with growing delight. "Urinal cakes?" he marvels. A smiling Donny replies, "I believe we now have what's known as a bargaining chip." Donny starts out of the office to reveal the new information to Maris's lawyers, but Niles stops him. "There's some news you want to deliver yourself!" Making himself comfortable in Donny's desk chair and propping his feet on the desk, Niles gloats as he dials Maris. SCENE 3 - Cafe Nervosa - later that day Niles and Frasier enter the cafe, Niles elated over the large settlement he's gotten from Maris. "I'll be able to get my whole life back -- my apartment, my car.... And to think I owe it all to one amazing man." Niles continues to rhapsodize about Donny as, behind his back, Donny and Daphne enter the cafe. They sit down at a table very obviously affectionate with each other. A downhearted Frasier points this out to Niles, who abruptly falls silent as they move to the window table to greet Daphne and Donny. Daphne tells Niles, "Oh, Dr. Crane, I'm so happy for you." Niles puts on a cheerful face as Donny and Daphne reveal that they're dating. They seem genuinely happy with one another. Donny is obviously infatuated as he leans and sniffs Daphne's hair. "Mmm, that scent is wonderful. What is that?" As Niles turns away he answers quietly to Frasier, "Cherry bark and almonds." The brothers return to their table and Niles sinks sadly into his chair with Frasier's hand on his shoulder. [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier is seated at the dining table reading a book. He gets up to pour himself a glass of sherry and pours a second one as well, which he hands to Niles who is under the piano again.
Plan: A: the trial date; Q: What did Maris' lawyers want to postpone for eight months? A: Niles; Q: Who is worried about having to come clean about his feelings for Daphne? A: Frasier; Q: Who recommends Niles find new lawyers? A: Roz; Q: Who suggests Donny Douglas as a lawyer? A: Maris' lawyers; Q: Who is claiming that Niles was in love with Daphne? A: deposition; Q: What does Donny prepare the family for? A: Daphne; Q: Who is Niles preparing to tell about his feelings for her? A: Maris' family fortune; Q: What is discovered to be made from urinal cakes? A: embarrassment; Q: What does Maris want to avoid by getting a quick divorce? A: Niles' silence; Q: What does Maris want to ensure by a quick divorce? A: his happiness; Q: What is quickly quashed upon discovering Daphne and Donny have started dating? Summary: Maris 's divorce lawyers have motioned to postpone the trial date for eight months, which will be ruinously expensive for Niles. Frasier recommends he find himself new lawyers, and Roz suggests an ex-boyfriend of hers, Donny Douglas . Donny is cheery, uncouth, and slobby, but aggressively deals with Maris' lawyers, who are cowed into submission. Donny is hired, and begins preparing the family for deposition . Maris' lawyers are claiming that Niles was in love with Daphne throughout the period that the marriage was breaking apart, and Frasier feels unable to lie under oath to deny it. As Niles prepares for the inevitability he may have to come clean to Daphne about his feelings for her, Donny discovers that Maris' family fortune was made from urinal cakes, rather than lumber as she had always claimed. To spare herself embarrassment, she agrees to a quick divorce to ensure Niles' silence. However, his happiness is quickly quashed upon discovering Daphne and Donny have started dating.
EXT. SPACE Camera pans over the planet Earth and zooms right into London. INT. ROSE'S BEDROOM Continue zooming into Rose's alarm clock, which reads 7:30. Rose smacks it to stop it beeping and jumps out of bed. INT. TYLER'S LIVING ROOM Rose picks up her bag, gives her mother a peck on the cheek and grabs her keys. ROSE: Bye! JACKIE: See you later! Jackie sips her tea and picks up the phone. INT. STAIRWELL Rose runs down the stairs of the block of flats where she lives. INT. LONDON STREET Rose jumps off a bus. INT. HENRICKS, SHOP FLOOR Rose carries a pile of clothes, looking rather bored. EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE Presumably in her lunch hour, Rose and Mickey sit next to a fountain, having a laugh, eating, teasing each other and kissing. They get up to leave. ROSE: Bye! INT. HENRICKS, SHOP FLOOR She is shown back in Henricks. LOUD SPEAKER: This is a customer announcement: The store will be closing in five minutes. Thank you. Rose is about to leave. SECURITY GUARD (hands her a package): Oi! Rose takes the package looking non- too- happy and enters a lift. INT. HENRICK'S, BASEMENT When the lift pings, she alights in the basement. ROSE: Wilson? (Goes further down the corridor). Wilson, I've got the lottery money. Wilson? (Knocks on a door that says "HP Wilson CEO"). You there? Look, I can't hang about 'cause they're closing the shop. Wilson! (To herself): Uhh, come on! There is a sudden sound further along the corridor. Rose immediately snaps her head in the direction it has come from. ROSE (CONT'D): Hello? Hello, Wilson, it's Rose. Hello? Wil... Wilson? She stops outside a fire door for a moment, and then opens it, and find herself in a room that looks as though it is used for storing shop dummies. She turns the light on and walks further into the room. ROSE (CONT'D): Wilson? Wilson? She tries another door at the side. The fire door through which she entered closes abruptly. Shocked, she runs back and shakes the handles, but they will not open. There is small sound from behind her. ROSE (CONT'D): Is that someone mucking about? (Goes back into the room). Who is it? Behind her, a dummy slowly turns its head of its own accord. Rose turns around just in time to see it step out of its alcove and towards her. She backs away slowly. ROSE (CONT'D): Heh... You got me, very funny. The dummy says nothing and does not stop advancing. Two more join it. ROSE (CONT'D): Right, I've got the joke! Who's idea was this? Was it Derek's? The dummies still advance. Another comes from behind. ROSE (CONT'D): Derek, is it you? All of the dummies are now alive. Rose backs up away and trips over a box. She quickly pulls herself up again and backs against a wall. The dummy lifts its arm to strike her. Rose screws her face up ready for the blow, when a hand grabs hers. Rose opens her eyes and snaps her head to look at the owner of the hand. A MAN, THE DOCTOR: Run! They run, just in time, through a fire exit. The dummies are in pursuit. The Doctor leads her into a lift. INT. HENRICKS, LIFT The doors close on one of the dummy's arms. The Doctor pulls it off and the doors close. ROSE: You pulled his arm off! THE DOCTOR: Yep! (Tosses it to her): Plastic. ROSE: Very clever, nice trick! Who were they then, students? Is this a student thing or what? THE DOCTOR: Why would they be students? ROSE: I don't know... THE DOCTOR: Well, you said it! Why students? ROSE: 'Cause... to get that many people dressed up and being silly... they gotta be students. The Doctor grins. He likes her. THE DOCTOR: That makes sense! Well done. ROSE: Thanks. THE DOCTOR: They're not students. ROSE: Whoever they are, when Wilson finds them, he's gonna call the police. THE DOCTOR: Who's Wilson? ROSE: Chief electrician. THE DOCTOR: Wilson's dead. He steps out of the lift. Rose follows him. INT. HENRICKS, CORRIDOR ROSE: That's just not funny, that's sick! THE DOCTOR: Hold on! (Pushes Rose to the side). Mind your eyes. He disables the lift with his sonic screwdriver. ROSE: I've had enough of this now! The Doctor walks off. ROSE: Who are you, then? Who's that lot down there? I said, who are they? THE DOCTOR: They're made of plastic. Living plastic creatures. They're being controlled by a relay device in the roof. Which would be a great big problem if I didn't have this. (Shows her an electronic device). So! (Opens fire exit for Rose). I'm going to go up there and blow them up, and I might well die in the process. But don't worry about me, no. Go home, go on! Go and have your lovely beans on toast. EXT. HENRICKS Rose goes through the door. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Don't tell anyone about this, because if you do, you'll get them killed. He shuts the door. Rose turns away looking slightly bemused. It opens again. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I'm the Doctor, by the way, what's your name? ROSE: Rose. THE DOCTOR: Nice to meet you, Rose. Run for your life. He shuts the door again. Rose runs. Outside, nobody knows what is going on. Rose is distracted and nearly gets herself run over by a taxi. TAXI DRIVER: Watch it! Rose proceeds to get as far away from the building as possible and looks back just in time to see the top floor blow up. She runs home - past a police box. INT. TYLER'S LIVING ROOM News 24 is on the television. Rose is sat on the sofa, watching it. REPORTER: The whole of Central London has been closed off as police investigate the fire. Earlier reports in the... The dummy's arm is lying on a chair. Jackie walks in holding a phone to her ear. JACKIE TYLER: I know, it's on the telly! It's everywhere! She's lucky to be alive! (Hands Rose a mug). Honestly, it's aged her. Skin like an old bible. Walking in now you'd think I was HER daughter! Oh and here's himself... Mickey appears in the doorway. MICKEY SMITH (to Rose): I've been phoning your mobile, you could've been dead! It's on the news and everything! I can't believe that your shop went up! He hugs her. ROSE: I'm alright, honestly, I'm fine! Don't make a fuss. MICKEY: Well, what happened? ROSE: I don't know! MICKEY: What was it though, what caused it? ROSE: I wasn't in the shop, I was outside, I didn't see anything... JACKIE (walking in): It's Debbie on the other end, she knows a man from the Mirror. Five hundred quid for an interview! ROSE: Oh that's brilliant! Give it here! She takes the phone and hangs it up. JACKIE: Well, you've gotta find some way of making money. Your jobs kaput and I'm not bailing you out. (Phone rings again, Jackie answers). Beth! She's alive! (Leaves room). I tell ya, sue for compensation! She was within seconds of death... MICKEY: What're you drinking? Tea?? No, no no, that's no good, that's no good. You're in shock, you need something stronger. ROSE: Why? MICKEY: You deserve a proper drink, you and me, we're going down the pub, my treat. How about it? ROSE (smiling): Is there a match on? MICKEY: I'm just thinking about you, babe! ROSE: There's a match on, ain't there. MICKEY: Well, that's not the point. We could catch the last five minutes. ROSE: Go on then. I'm fine, really. Go. Get rid of that... She gestures to the dummy's arm. Mickey points to his lips. Rose gives him a kiss. He pushes her back onto the chair and they laugh. He gets up to go and Rose puts a leg out to trip him up. Mickey picks up the arm and waves with it. MICKEY: Buh Bye! ROSE: Bye! Mickey pretends to strangle himself with the arm and leaves. Rose shakes her head fondly and turns her attention back to the news. REPORTER: ... fire then spread throughout the store... there is very little chance of saving the infrastructure... EXT. POWELL ESTATE Outside, Mickey tosses the arm into a bin as he walks past it. Zoom into the darkness of the bin... INT. ROSE'S BEDROOM ...and out onto the red 7:30 on Rose's alarm clock. Rose whacks it to stop it beeping and sits up. JACKIE (in background): There's no point in getting up, sweetheart. You've got no job to go to. Rose flops back on her pillow. INT. TYLER'S LIVING ROOM Rose is having breakfast, her mother is talking to her. JACKIE: There's Finches... You could try them. They've always got jobs. ROSE: Oh, great. The butchers. JACKIE: Well it might do you good! That shop was giving you airs and graces. And I'm not joking about getting compensation. You've had genuine shock and trauma! Arianna got two thousand quid off the council just because the old man behind the desk said she looked Greek! I know she IS Greek, but that's not the point, it's a valid claim. Rose hears a rattling and stands up. ROSE: Mum, you're such a liar, I told you to nail that cat flap down. We're going to get strays! JACKIE: I did it weeks back! ROSE: No, you thought about it! Rose discovers that the screws have fallen out onto the floor. The cat flap moves violently. Rose leaps backwards, then comes back again and pokes the cat flap open gingerly. The Doctor's face is right outside it. Rose gasps and opens the door. THE DOCTOR: What're you doing here? ROSE: I live here. THE DOCTOR: Well, what do you do that for? ROSE: Because I do! And I'm only at home because someone blew up my job. The Doctor gets out his sonic screwdriver. THE DOCTOR: Must've got the wrong signal. You're not plastic, are you? (Knocks on Rose's forehead). No, bonehead. Bye, then! He makes to go, but Rose pulls him back inside. ROSE: You, inside. Right now. She shuts the door. JACKIE: Who is it? INT. JACKIE'S BEDROOM Rose pokes her head into Jackie's bedroom. ROSE: It's about last night, he's part of the inquiry. Give us 10 minutes. JACKIE: She deserves compensation. THE DOCTOR: Huh, we're talking millions. The Doctor leans against the doorframe, waiting for Rose to come back. Jackie looks at him for a moment and stands up, flirtatiously. JACKIE: I'm in my dressing gown. THE DOCTOR: Yes, you are. JACKIE: There's a strange man in my bedroom. THE DOCTOR: Yes, there is. JACKIE: Well, anything could happen. THE DOCTOR: No. The Doctor walks off. Jackie pulls a face at his back. INT. TYLER'S LIVING ROOM ROSE: Don't mind the mess. Do you want a coffee? THE DOCTOR: Might as well, thanks! Just milk. Rose goes into the kitchen and starts making coffee. INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN ROSE: We should go to the police. Seriously. Both of us. INT. TYLER'S LIVING ROOM The Doctor picks up a gossip magazine. THE DOCTOR: That won't last, he's gay and she's an alien. INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN ROSE: I'm not blaming you, even if it was just some sort of joke that went wrong. INT. TYLER'S LIVING ROOM The Doctor picks up a book and flicks through it. THE DOCTOR: Sad ending. INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN ROSE: They said on the news they'd found a body. INT. TYLER'S LIVING ROOM The Doctor picks up an envelope and reads it. THE DOCTOR: Rose Tyler. (Looks in mirror). Ahh, could've been worse! (Prods his large ears). Look at me' ears. INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN ROSE: All the same, he was nice. Nice bloke. INT. TYLER'S LIVING ROOM The Doctor shuffles a pack of cards. THE DOCTOR: Luck be a lady! INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN ROSE: Well anyway if we are going to go to the police, I want to know what I'm saying. INT. TYLER'S LIVING ROOM The Doctor shuffles the cards again and manages to make them all go flying. INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN ROSE (CONT'D): I want you to explain everything. INT. TYLER'S LIVING ROOM THE DOCTOR (of the cards): Maybe not. (Hears scuffling from behind sofa). What's that then? You got a cat? INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN ROSE: No... INT. TYLER'S LIVING ROOM The Doctor leans behind the sofa and the dummy's arm leaps out and grabs him by the neck. ROSE (CONT'D) (wandering in with coffee): We did have, but there's these strays, they come in off the estate... Behind her, the Doctor is being strangled viciously by the hand while he tries vainly to fight it off. She does not quite seem to register that the Doctor is being harassed by a rubber hand. ROSE (CONT'D): I told Mickey to chuck that out... (She puts the coffee down on the table). Honestly, give a man a plastic hand... anyway, I don't even know your name, Doctor... what was it? The Doctor throws the hand off and it flies across the room attaching itself to Rose's face. She screams and the Doctor leaps up and tries to pull it off. INT. JACKIE'S BEDROOM Jackie is drying her hair, completely oblivious. INT. TYLER'S LIVING ROOM The Doctor and Rose crash onto the coffee table, breaking it, and roll onto the floor. The Doctor pushes her back onto the sofa and gets out his sonic screwdriver, disabling the hand. THE DOCTOR: It's alright, I've stopped it. There you go, you see? (Tosses it to her). 'Armless. ROSE: Do you think? She uses it to whack him on the shoulder. THE DOCTOR: Ow! INT. STAIRWELL The Doctor is running down the stairs, Rose hot on his tail. ROSE: Hold on a minute, you can't just go swanning off. THE DOCTOR: Yes I can. Here I am, this is me, swanning off. See ya! ROSE: That arm was moving, it tried to kill me! THE DOCTOR: Ten out of ten for observation. ROSE: You can't just walk away, that's not fair! You've got to tell me what's going on. THE DOCTOR: No I don't. They reach the bottom of the stairs, go through the doors. EXT. POWELL ESTATE ROSE: Alright then. I'll go to the police. I'll tell everyone. You said, if I did that, I'd get people killed. So, your choice. Tell me, or I'll start talking. THE DOCTOR: Is that supposed to sound tough? ROSE: Sort of. THE DOCTOR: Doesn't work. ROSE: Who are you? THE DOCTOR: I told you! The Doctor. ROSE: Yeah. But Doctor what? THE DOCTOR: Just the Doctor. ROSE: The Doctor. THE DOCTOR: Hello! ROSE: Is that supposed to sound impressive? THE DOCTOR: Sort of. ROSE: Come on. You can tell me. I've seen enough. Are you the police? THE DOCTOR: No. I was just passing through. I'm a long way from home. ROSE: But what have I done wrong? How comes those plastic things keep coming after me? THE DOCTOR: Oh! Suddenly the entire world revolves around you! You were just an accident, you got in the way, that's all. ROSE: It tried to kill me! THE DOCTOR: It was after me, not you! Last night, in the shop, I was there, you blundered it. Almost ruined the whole thing. This morning, I was tracking it down, it was tracking me down... the only reason it fixed on you is that you met me. ROSE: So, what you're saying is, the entire world revolves around you. THE DOCTOR: Sort of, yeah. ROSE: You're full of it! THE DOCTOR: Sort of, yeah. ROSE: But, all this plastic stuff, who else knows about it? THE DOCTOR: No one. ROSE: What, you're on your own? THE DOCTOR: Well, who else is there? I mean, you lot, all you do is eat chips, go to bed, and watch telly! When all the time, underneath you, there's a war going on! Rose takes the arm off him. ROSE: Okay, start from the beginning. EXT. ROAD ROSE: If you're gonna go with this living plastic, and I don't even believe that, but if we do... how did you kill it? THE DOCTOR: The thing controlling it projects life into the arm. I cut off the signal, dead. ROSE: So that's radio control? THE DOCTOR: Thought control. (Silence) Are you alright? ROSE: Yeah. So, who's controlling it, then? THE DOCTOR: Long story. ROSE: But what's it all for? I mean, shop window dummies... what's that about? Is someone trying to take over Britain's shops? They laugh. THE DOCTOR: No. ROSE: I know. THE DOCTOR: It's not a price war. (Laugh again. Suddenly serious). They want to overthrow the human race and destroy you. Do you believe me? ROSE: No. THE DOCTOR: But you're still listening. She stops. The Doctor walks on. ROSE: Really though, Doctor. Tell me. Who are you? THE DOCTOR (stops): Do you know like we were saying? About the Earth revolving? (Walks back to her). It's like when you were a kid. The first time they tell you the world's turning and you just can't quite believe it because everything looks like it's standing still. I can feel it. (Takes her hand). The turn of the Earth. The ground beneath our feet is spinning at a thousand miles an hour, and the entire planet is hurtling around the sun at sixty-seven thousand miles an hour, and I can feel it. We're falling through space, you and me. Clinging to the skin of this tiny little world, and if we let go... (Lets go of her hand). That's who I am. Now, forget me, Rose Tyler. (Takes the arm, waves it in her face). Go home. He walks away. Rose watches his retreating back and then starts to walk herself. The Doctor steps into a police box. Rose hears the sound of the TARDIS departing. She runs back as fast as she can. The police box is gone. She shields her eyes from the sun, looks around her, then walks away again. INT. MICKEY'S FLAT Mickey lets Rose in. MICKEY: Yahey, there's my woman! (Slaps her bum). Kit off! ROSE: Shut up. (He gives her a kiss). Mwah! MICKEY: Coffee? ROSE: Yeah, only if you wash the mug. And I don't mean rinse, I mean wash. Can I use your computer? MICKEY: Yeah. Any excuse to get in the bedroom. Mickey goes into the kitchen. Rose closes the door of his bedroom behind her. MICKEY: Don't read my emails! INT. MICKEY'S BEDROOM Rose turns on the computer and types "Doctor" into a search engine. No relevant results are found. She types in "Doctor Living Plastic". Still nothing. She types "Doctor Blue Box". The first result reads "Doctor Who - do you know this man? Contact Clive here..." She clicks on it and a webpage with a blurry photograph of the Doctor and the words "Have you seen this man? Contact Clive" are presented to her. She clicks "Contact Clive". EXT. CLIVE'S HOUSE Mickey and Rose are sitting in the car. ROSE: You're not coming in! He's safe, he's got a wife and kids. MICKEY: Yeah but who told you that? He did. That's exactly what an Internet lunatic murderer would say. Rose gets out of the car anyway, grinning. Mickey doesn't look too happy, and gives a man putting out his rubbish the evils. Rose knocks on the door of a house and it is answered by a boy of about 11. ROSE: Uh, hello, I've come to see Clive? We've been emailing. CLIVE'S SON: Dad! It's one of your nutters! Clive appears. CLIVE: Sorry. Hello. You must be Rose. I'm Clive. Obviously! ROSE: I better tell you now, my boyfriend's waiting in the car, just in case you're going to kill me! They laugh. CLIVE: No, good point. No murders. He waves to Mickey who nods, still distrustful. CAROLINE: Who is it? CLIVE: Oh it's something to do with the Doctor! She's been reading the website. Please come through, I'm in the shed. Clive's wife, Caroline, comes down the stairs carrying a washing basket. CAROLINE: She? She read a website about the Doctor? She's a she? She smiles ironically and shuts the door. Mickey looks suspicious. INT. CLIVE'S SHED Clive is showing Rose around the shed, which is a sort of shrine to the Doctor. CLIVE: A lot of this stuff's quite sensitive, I couldn't just send it to you. People might intercept it, if you know what I mean. If you dig deep enough - keep a lively mind - this Doctor keeps cropping up all over the place. Political diaries, conspiracy theories. Even ghost stories. No first name, no last name. Just "The Doctor". Always The Doctor. And the title seems to have been passed down from father to son, it appears to be an inheritance. That's your Doctor there, isn't it? He points to a photo of the Doctor on a computer screen behind them. ROSE: Yeah. CLIVE: I tracked it down to the Washington public archive last year. The online photo's enhanced, but if we look at the original... He shows Rose some photographs of the Doctor standing in a crowd at the time and place of the assassination of JFK. CLIVE: November the 22nd, 1963. The assassination of President Kennedy. ROSE: Must be his father... CLIVE: Going further back... April 1912. (Brings over a photo album). This is a photo of the Daniels family, Southampton. And friend. (Points to the Doctor, standing with them). This was taken the day before they were due to sail off for the New World. On the Titanic. And for some unknown reason, they cancelled the trip and survived. And... (Shows her a sketch). 1883. Another Doctor. And look - the same lineage. He's identical. This one washed up on the coast of Sumatra on the very day Krakatoa exploded. The Doctor is a legend woven throughout history. When disaster comes, he's there. He has a storm in his wake. And he has one constant companion. ROSE: Who's that? CLIVE: Death. EXT. CLIVE'S HOUSE Mickey is still waiting outside in his car. He looks around as a bin starts to shuffle its way towards him. INT. CLIVE'S SHED CLIVE (CONT'D): If the Doctor's back... if you've seen him, Rose... then one thing's for certain, we're all in danger. EXT. CLIVE'S HOUSE Mickey looks at the bin again, but it is stationary. A few seconds later, it starts moving again. He gets out of the car and walks to the bin, looking around it to see what is moving it. Seeing nothing, he places both hands on the lid and opens it dramatically. MICKEY: Come on then! The bin is empty. INT. CLIVE'S SHED CLIVE: If he's singled you out... If the Doctor's making house calls... then God help you. EXT. CLIVE'S HOUSE Mickey shuts the bin, confused. He tries to walk away but his hands are stuck to the bin. When he tries to pull away, the bin stretches and won't let him. Eventually, the bin opens its lid and pulls him in backwards, shutting with a satisfied burp. INT. CLIVE'S SHED ROSE: Who is he? Who do you think he is? CLIVE: I think he's the same man. I think he's immortal. I think he's an alien from another world. EXT. CLIVE'S HOUSE Rose comes back to the car, talking before she's even got in. ROSE: Alright! He's a nutter! Off his head! COMPLETE online conspiracy freak. You win! Oof. She gets into the car. The person sitting at the wheel is obviously not Mickey, but a plastic replica of him. Rose seems not to notice. ROSE: What're we going to do tonight? I fancy a pizza. MICKEY: Pizzaaa! P-p-p-pizza! ROSE: ...or a Chinese... MICKEY: Pizza! They drive off in a wobbly line. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RESTAURANT Rose and Mickey sit at a table for two in a restaurant. ROSE: Do you think I should try the hospital? Suki said they had a few jobs going in the canteen. That's it then... dishing out chips... I could do A Levels... "Mickey" stares at her, grinning. ROSE (CONT'D): I dunno. It's all Jimmy Stone's fault. I only left school because of him, and look where he ended up. What do you think? PLASTIC MICKEY: So, where did you meet this Doctor? ROSE: I'm sorry, wasn't I talking about me for a second? PLASTIC MICKEY: Because, I reckon it started back at the shop, am I right? Is he something to do with that? ROSE: No... PLASTIC MICKEY: Come on. ROSE: Sort of. PLASTIC MICKEY: What was he doing there? ROSE: I'm not going on about him, Mickey, I'm not, because, I know it sounds daft but... I don't think he's safe. I think he's dangerous. PLASTIC MICKEY: But you can trust me sweetheart! (In quick succession). Babe, sugar, darling, sugar. Rose looks confused. PLASTIC MICKEY (CONT'D): You can tell me anything. Tell me about the Doctor and what he's planning, and I can help you, Rose. Because that's all I really wanna do, sweetheart, babe, sugar, sweetheart. ROSE: What're you doing that for? A Waiter approaches the table. WAITER: Your champagne. PLASTIC MICKEY: We didn't order any champagne. (Grabs Rose's hand). Where's the Doctor? The Waiter has simply moved to the other side of the table and holds the bottle out to Rose. WAITER: Ma'am. Your champagne. ROSE: It's not ours... Mickey, what is it? What's wrong? MICKEY: I need to find out how much you know, so where is he? WAITER: Doesn't anybody want this champagne? Plastic Mickey, exasperated, raises his eyes to the waiter for the first time. PLASTIC MICKEY: Look, we didn't order i... (The Waiter is in fact the Doctor). Ah. Gotcha. The Doctor shakes the bottle. THE DOCTOR: Don't mind me. I'm just toasting the happy couple. On the house! The cork pops out and hits Mickey squarely on the forehead. His forehead absorbs the cork and he spits it out of his mouth. It is finally revealed to Rose that Mickey has in fact been replaced with an Auton. PLASTIC MICKEY: Anyway. (His hands turn into clubs and he smashes the table in. Rose screams and runs out of the way. The Doctor grabs the Auton's head and pulls it off). Don't think that's gonna stop me. A couple at a nearby table scream, but the Doctor grins. Rose presses the fire bell. ROSE: Everyone out! Out now! Everyone runs for the exit. The Auton stays inside, blindly smashing tables with his club-hands. ROSE (CONT'D): Get out! Get out! Get out! Rose and the Doctor run through the kitchen and out of a back exit. EXT. BACK YARD With the Auton in hot pursuit. The Doctor locks a metal door with his sonic screwdriver while Rose tries desperately to find an escape out of the yard they are in. She bangs desperately at some locked gates. ROSE: Open the gate! Use that tube thing, come on! THE DOCTOR: What, this? This is a sonic screwdriver. ROSE: Use it! THE DOCTOR: Nah. Tell ya what, let's go in here. He approaches a police box in the middle of the yard and unlocks it. The Auton is beginning to make dents in the door from the other side. Rose runs to look at it. ROSE: We can't hide inside a wooden box! (Runs to the gate and rattles the chains). It's gonna get us! Doctor! She runs into the police box. INT. TARDIS Rose slams the door behind her, takes a few steps in, looks around, then runs straight back out again. EXT. BACK YARD She walks once around the police box and arrives back at the front again. The Auton finally makes a hole in the door, so she runs back into the police box. INT. TARDIS ROSE: It's gonna follow us! THE DOCTOR: The assembled hoards of Genghis Khan couldn't get through that door, and believe me, they've tried. Now, shut up a minute. Rose stands trembling near the door of the TARDIS, looking around at how huge it is compared with the outside. The Doctor is wiring up the head of the Auton. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): You see, the arm is too simple, but the head's perfect. Rose still looks overwhelmed. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I can use it to trace the signal back to the original source. Right. (Turns to Rose, gives her his full attention). Where do you want to start? ROSE: Um... the inside's bigger than the outside? THE DOCTOR: Yes. ROSE: It's alien. THE DOCTOR: Yup. ROSE: Are you alien? THE DOCTOR: Yes. (Rose stares). Is that alright? ROSE (quickly): Yeah. THE DOCTOR: It's called the TARDIS, this thing. T-A-R-D-I-S, that's Time And Relative Dimension In Space. (A small sob from Rose). That's okay. Culture shock. Happens to the best of us. ROSE: Did they kill him? Mickey? Did they kill Mickey? Is he dead? THE DOCTOR: Oh... didn't think of that. ROSE: He's my boyfriend. You pulled off his head.They copied him and you didn't even think? And now you're just going to let him melt?! THE DOCTOR: Melt? (Turns around in time to see "Mickey's head melting with a bubbling noise). Oh, no, no, no, no, no, NO! He starts running frantically around the console, pressing buttons and pulling levers. ROSE: What're you doing?! THE DOCTOR: Reviving the signal, it's fading! Wait I've got it... (Looks at screen). No, No, No, No, No, No, NO! (The TARDIS shakes as the engines move). Almost there! Almost there! Here we go! The engines stop and the Doctor runs out the the TARDIS doors without another word. ROSE: You can't go out there, it's not safe! She follows him outside. EXT. THAMES EMBANKMENT, OPPOSITE LONDON EYE THE DOCTOR: I lost the signal, I got so close. Rose hops out of the TARDIS, looking confused again. ROSE: We've moved! Does it fly? THE DOCTOR: Disappears there, reappears here, you wouldn't understand. ROSE: But if we're somewhere else, what about that headless thing? It's still on the loose. THE DOCTOR: It melted with the head, are you going to witter on all night? ROSE: I'll have to tell his mother... The Doctor looks at her questioningly. ROSE: Mickey! I'll have to tell his mother he's dead, and you just went and forgot him, again! The Doctor rolls his eyes, unconcerned. ROSE: You were right, you ARE alien. She turns to walk away. THE DOCTOR: Look, if I did forget some kid called Mickey... ROSE: Yeah, he's not a kid. THE DOCTOR: It's because I'm trying to save the life of every stupid ape blundering on top of this planet, alright? ROSE: Alright! THE DOCTOR: Yes! It is! Rose shakes her head disbelievingly. ROSE: If you are an alien, then how comes you sound like you're from the North? THE DOCTOR: Lots of planets have a North. He folds his arms indignantly and looks away. ROSE: What's a police public call box? THE DOCTOR: It's a telephone box from the 1950s. (Pats the TARDIS fondly, grinning). It's a disguise. Rose smiles and shakes her head. ROSE: Okay. And this living plastic, what's it got against us? THE DOCTOR: Nothing, it loves you. You've got such a good planet. Lots of smoke and oil, plenty of toxins and dioxins in the air... perfect. Just what the Nestene Consciousness needs. It's food stock was destroyed in the war, all its protein plants rotted, so Earth... dinner! ROSE: Any way of stopping it? Grinning, the Doctor produces a tube of blue liquid from his jacket. THE DOCTOR: Anti-plastic! ROSE: Anti-plastic... THE DOCTOR: Anti-plastic! But first I've got to find it. How can you hide something that big in a city this small? ROSE: Hold on... hide what? THE DOCTOR: The transmitter. The Consciousness is controlling every single piece of plastic so it needs a transmitter to boost the signal. ROSE: What's it look like? THE DOCTOR: Like a transmitter. Round and massive, slap bang in the middle of London. He paces around, agitated, looking around for a clue. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): A huge circular metal structure... like a dish... He stands facing Rose, his back to the railings of the bridge. Behind him, the London Eye looms 450 foot above them, but he doesn't seem to register. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): ...like a wheel. Close to where we're standing. Must be completely invisible. Rose considers the Eye behind him. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): What? Rose nods towards the Eye. The Doctor turns around, then back to her, completely nonplussed. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): What? Rose shakes her head, looking at the Eye still. He turns around but still fails to make the connection. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): What is it? What? Rose simply carries on staring at it. The Doctor turns around again and finally, it clicks. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Oh... fantastic! He grins inanely and runs off. EXT. LONDON BRIDGE Hand in hand, the Doctor and Rose run across London Bridge towards the Eye. EXT. LONDON EYE They come to a halt at the foot of the Eye. THE DOCTOR: Think of it. Plastic, all over the world. Every artificial thing waiting to come alive. The shop window dummies, the phones, the wires, the cables... ROSE: The breast implants... THE DOCTOR: Still, we've found the transmitter. The Consciousness must be somewhere underneath. Rose runs off and finds the entrance to a manhole at the foot of the wall she is looking over. ROSE: What about down here? The Doctor runs to join her. THE DOCTOR: Looks good to me. They run down the stairs to the manhole. The Doctor takes the lid off it, and red light and smoke pours out. They both climb down the ladder underground. INT. UNDERNEATH LONDON EYE The Doctor opens the door to another chamber and they go down some steps. The Doctor points to a huge, orange, wobbling mass in the middle of the chamber. THE DOCTOR: The Nestene Consciousness, that's it, inside the vat. A living, plastic creature. ROSE: Well, then. Tip in your anti-plastic and let's go. THE DOCTOR: I'm not here to kill it. I've got to give it a chance. They go down some more steps. The Doctor leans over the railings and addresses the Consciouness. THE DOCTOR: I seek audience with the Nestene Consciousness under peaceful contract. According to convention 15 of the Shadow Proclamation. The Consciouness flobbles around a bit. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Thank you. That I might have permission to approach. Meanwhile, as Rose paces around in the background, she spots Mickey and runs to him. The Doctor rolls his eyes. ROSE: Oh, my God! Mickey! It's okay! It's alright! She squats down next to him. MICKEY: That thing down there, the liquid, Rose, it can talk! ROSE: You're stinking! Doctor, they kept him alive! THE DOCTOR: Yeah, that was always a possibility. Keep him alive to maintain the copy. ROSE: You knew that and you never said? THE DOCTOR: Can we keep the domestics outside, thank you? Rose helps Mickey to his feet. The Doctor approaches the Consciousness. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Am I addressing the Consciousness? Thank you. If I might observe, you infiltrated this civilization by means of warped, shunt technology. So, may I suggest, with the greatest respect, that you shunt off? The plastic globbers in what appears to be a negative manner. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Oh don't give me that, it's an invasion! Plain and simple! Don't talk about constitutional rights! The plastic rears what would appear to be its head angrily. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I... am... talking! This planet is just starting. These stupid little people have only just learnt how to walk, but they're capable of so much more. I'm asking you on their behalf - please, just go. Two Autons approach the Doctor from behind. ROSE: Doctor! The Autons grab him. One of them takes the anti-plastic out of his jacket pocket. THE DOCTOR: That was just insurance! I wasn't going to USE it. The plastic globbers angrily. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I was not attacking you. I'm here to help. I'm not your enemy. I swear, I'm not... what do you mean? Doors above him open to reveal the TARDIS. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Oh, oh no, honestly, no! Yes, that's my ship. The plastic roars. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): That's not true. I should know, I was there. I fought in the war. It wasn't my fault! I couldn't save your world! I couldn't save any of them! ROSE: What's it doing?! THE DOCTOR: It's the TARDIS! The Nestene has identified its superior technology. It's terrified! It's going to the final base. It's starting the invasion! Get out, Rose! Just leg it! Now! Rose dials a number on her mobile. ROSE: Mum?! EXT. TOWN CENTRE Jackie is going down the steps of a police station. JACKIE: Oh, there you are, I was just gonna phone. You can get compensation. I said so. I've got this document thing off the police - don't thank me! INT. UNDERNEATH LONDON EYE ROSE: Where are you, mum? EXT. TOWN CENTRE JACKIE: I'm in town! INT. UNDERNEATH LONDON EYE ROSE: Go home! Just go home, right now! EXT. TOWN CENTRE JACKIE: Darling, you're breaking up, look, I'm just going to do a bit of late night shopping. I'll see you later. Tara! She hangs up. INT. UNDERNEATH LONDON EYE ROSE: Mum?! Mum! EXT. TOWN CENTRE Jackie heads into the Queens Arcade shopping centre. INT. UNDERNEATH LONDON EYE The Consciousness sends out a signal. THE DOCTOR: It's the activation signal! It's transmitting! EXT. LONDON EYE The electric blue signal shoots around the Eye. INT. UNDERNEATH LONDON EYE ROSE: The end of the world... EXT. LONDON EYE The activation signal transmits from the London Eye. INT. QUEEN'S ARCADE Clive is in the shopping centre, talking to his wife. CLIVE: There's no point creating a spreadsheet if you're going to spend summer money in winter months. Caroline gasps as she walks past a shop window and the dummy taps the glass. CAROLINE: Oh my God! I thought they were dummies! I nearly had a heart-attack! They look around and all the dummies are doing the same. Clive's wife smiles appreciatively... until they punch their way through the glass and step out of the windows. Jackie is coming down an escalator and looks in disbelief at the dummies walking around. CLIVE: It's true. Everything I read, all the stories! It's all true! A dummy turns towards him. Its hand comes off and reveals a gun, which shoots him. Clive's wife and son scream. INT. UNDERNEATH LONDON EYE The Doctor is still being held hostage. THE DOCTOR: Get out, Rose! Just get out! Run! Part of the ceiling falls in. ROSE: The stairs have gone! Rose and Mickey try desperately to get into the TARDIS. ROSE (CONT'D): I haven't got the key! MICKEY: We're gonna die! INT. QUEEN'S ARCADE The shopping centre is in chaos. Jackie stands at the bottom of the escalator looking confused for a few seconds, then screams and runs, dropping her shopping bag. INT. UNDERNEATH LONDON EYE Mickey and Rose are still cowering at the door of the TARDIS. EXT. STREET Outside, Jackie finds that there is just as much chaos outside the shopping centre as there is inside. An army of dummies come out of the doors. Jackie runs down the road and ducks behind a car outside a wedding shop. The dummies in the window punch through the glass. Jackie screams. INT. UNDERNEATH LONDON EYE Rose watches the Doctor struggle to get to the anti-plastic, then seems to reach some kind of decision. She stands up. MICKEY: Just leave him! EXT. STREET The wedding dummies advance dangerously on Jackie. All three hold their arms out ready to shoot. INT. UNDERNEATH LONDON EYE Rose takes action. MICKEY (CONT'D): There's nothing you can do! Rose picks up an axe. ROSE: I've got no A Levels. EXT. STREET The dummies raise their guns. INT. UNDERNEATH LONDON EYE ROSE (CONT'D): No job... EXT. STREET The hands open to reveal the space where the bullets can be released. INT. UNDERNEATH LONDON EYE ROSE (CONT'D): No future. EXT. STREET Jackie cowers. Rose hacks at a chain on the wall, trying to release it. INT. UNDERNEATH LONDON EYE ROSE (CONT'D): But I tell you what I have got. Jericho Street Junior School under 7s gymnastic team. The chain comes loose and Rose grabs onto it. ROSE (CONT'D): I got the bronze! Rose swings across the gap over the Consciousness. She kicks the Autons holding the Doctor hostage into the Nestene, anti-plastic and all. The Consciousness starts to writhe and scream. Rose lands safely in the Doctor's arms at the other side of the gap. THE DOCTOR: Now we're in trouble. The Consciousness starts to explode as Rose and the Doctor run off. The signal from the Eye is cut off. EXT. STREET The Autons in the high street that were previously attacking people, stop, and start to twitch as if they are doing some kind of dance. Jackie uncovers her eyes warily. INT. UNDERNEATH LONDON EYE Rose, the Doctor and Mickey all manage to reach the TARDIS. Rose grins at the Consciousness before she goes in and closes the door, as it starts to die. Just before the whole chamber goes up in flames, the TARDIS disappears. EXT. STREET The dummies all fall to the ground, twitching at first, but dead. EXT. ALLEYWAY Mickey runs backwards out of the TARDIS and falls over, looking terrified. He backs against a wall. Rose, however, steps out and rings her mother on her mobile. EXT. STREET JACKIE (answers phone): Rose! Rose! Don't go out of the house, it's not safe! EXT. ALLEYWAY Rose laughs in relief to hear Jackie's voice. EXT. STREET JACKIE (CONT'D): There were all of these things! And they were shooting! And they... EXT. ALLEYWAY Satisfied that Jackie is alive, Rose hangs up on her, smiling to herself. EXT. STREET JACKIE (CONT'D): Hello? Hello? EXT. ALLEYWAY Rose runs over to Mickey. ROSE: A fat lot of good you were! Mickey whimpers. The Doctor stands in the doorway of the TARDIS. THE DOCTOR: Nestene Consciousness? (Clicks fingers). Easy. ROSE (teasingly): You were useless in there. You'd be dead if it wasn't for me. THE DOCTOR: Yes, I would. Thank you. Right then! I'll be off! Unless, uh... I don't know... you could come with me. Rose looks at him and puts her hands in her pockets. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): This box isn't just a London hopper, you know, it goes anywhere in the universe free of charge. MICKEY: Don't! He's an alien! He's a thing! THE DOCTOR: He's NOT invited. What do you think? You could stay here and fill your life with work and food and sleep, or you could go, uh... anywhere. ROSE: Is it always this dangerous? THE DOCTOR (nods): Yeah. Mickey puts his arms around Rose's legs like a little child. ROSE: Yeah, I can't... I've um... gotta go and find my mum and um... someone's gotta look after this stupid lump... (Small laugh, pats Mickey on the back). So... THE DOCTOR: Okay. See you around. Rose looks at him intensely, as if she still hasn't really made up her mind. The Doctor does not take his eyes off her, but closes the door. Rose looks at the closed door. The engines of the TARDIS rev up, and it slowly disappears. Rose stares at the space where it was, lost in thought. ROSE: Come on, let's go. Mickey is in absolute shock, staring at the empty space where the TARDIS stood. ROSE (CONT'D): C'mon... come on... She helps him to his feet and they begin to walk away. However, the sound of the engines is heard again. Rose and Mickey spin around. The TARDIS reappears. The Doctor pops his head out. THE DOCTOR: By the way... Did I mention, it also travels in time? He grins and goes back in, leaving the door ajar. Rose turns to Mickey. ROSE: Thanks. MICKEY: Thanks for what? ROSE: Exactly. She kisses his cheek and runs into the TARDIS with a broad smile on her face.
Plan: A: the shop; Q: Where does Rose Tyler work? A: Rose Tyler; Q: Who is the shopkeeper that the Ninth Doctor rescues? A: Rose; Q: Who saves the Doctor and those that the Autons had been killing? A: the building; Q: What does the Ninth Doctor blow up after rescuing Rose Tyler? A: Mickey Smith; Q: Who is Rose Tyler's boyfriend? A: Clive; Q: Who does Rose and Mickey Smith visit the next day? A: a conspiracy theory website; Q: What does Clive run? A: the Doctor's description; Q: What description does the man who has appeared throughout history fit? A: a plastic duplicate; Q: What is Mickey replaced by? A: the Nestene Consciousness; Q: What is the name of the entity that controls the Autons? A: the London Eye; Q: What is the Nestene Consciousness using as a transmitter? A: Auton mannequins; Q: What comes alive and starts killing people? A: space; Q: Along with time, where does Rose travel with the Doctor in the TARDIS? A: the TARDIS; Q: What is the name of the Doctor's time machine? Summary: In the basement of the shop where Rose Tyler works, plastic mannequins begin to attack her. The Ninth Doctor rescues her and they flee the building, which he blows up. The next day, Rose and her boyfriend, Mickey Smith visit a man named Clive who runs a conspiracy theory website, concerning a man fitting the Doctor's description, who has appeared throughout history. While Rose is talking to Clive, Mickey is kidnapped and replaced by a plastic duplicate. Rose meets the Doctor again, where he reveals Mickey to be an Auton , and he and Rose locate the Nestene Consciousness which controls the Autons and has been using the London Eye as a transmitter. At this point, Auton mannequins come alive and start killing other people. Rose saves the Doctor and those that the Autons had been killing, and she decides to travel with the Doctor through time and space in his time machine the TARDIS .
Outside (The Lakehurst busses are all around the front of the school.) Emma: New semester, new hair? (They hug.) Manny: I needed a change. The only thing worse than going back to school is going back to school in winter. Emma: Well every step we take takes us one step closer to graduation. Spinner: Oh final countdown, dudes! Exactly 126 days until graduation. Jimmy: Give or take. Darcy: Why is it so bus-sy around here? Jimmy: Welcome to the new world of Degrassi/Lakehurst cohabitation. (Toby bumps into someone.) Random guy: Watch it. Toby: How can the people from the school that killed JT be coming here? Emma: Their school burns down, we get their ashes. Great idea school board. Manny: What are the chances there'll be a single cute guy? (Toby and Emma give her a look.) Manny: What? Sorry! Emma: Well maybe someone new will steal Darcy away from his evil highness. (They look at Peter telling a joke to a bunch of people.) Peter: And the grasshopper said what, Harold? (People laugh at his joke and Darcy walks over to him.) Darcy: His evil highness has been defeated by the powers of good, IE: me. We're in love and he's reformed. I have that effect. Manny: If anyone could, it's the blessed virgin Darcy. Peter: Darcy we're at school. You know what happens if my mom finds out. Darcy: Look around Peter. Your mom has bigger things on her mind and do you really think the principal would send her son to boarding school? Peter: Why now? What's the rush? Darcy: You're happy we have to keep our relationship a secret? Peter: No. I'm just used to it. Plus sneaking around is kind of hot. Darcy: I'm starting to think that you don't want people to know about us. (He shakes his head and walks into the school.) In the auditorium Ms. Hatzilakos: Okay everyone. Please grab a seat so we can begin. Until the Lakehurst fire damage is repaired you'll be experiencing a little less elbow room. Now I know and I'm expecting all of you to make our new guests feel right at home. Degrassi's had a long-standing history of being a welcoming and nurturing environment. (She keeps talking as Manny and Darcy take their seats.) Manny: So why haven't we talked? Darcy: About what? Manny: About wholesome Christian you, dating drug-planting, street-racing, blackmailing Peter? Peter: Uh hello, Manny? I'm right here. I'm not that guy anymore. That was the old me. Darcy: Exactly, which is why there is no reason to keep our relationship secret. Peter: What do you want me to do? Show my mom that we're dating, make an announcement? Darcy: FYI, I saw you. Flirting with those girls from Lakehurst and if you ever- Manny: Guys! Shh! Peter: Darce you're my girl. What more proof do you need? Darcy: You're the former criminal mastermind. Think of something. In the hallway Mr. Simpson: Ah Toby Isaacs, ready for one last semester as my digi-guru? Johnny: (Pretending to cough) Digi-wiener! Mr. Simpson: DiMarco, right? Something to say? Johnny: No sir. Toby: Really? 'Cause I heard something. Sounded important, actually. (The bell rings.) Mr. Simpson: Off to class, guys. In the cafeteria Darcy: Crowded much? I feel out of place in my own caf. Manny: So has Peter come up with a master plan for you two going public yet? Darcy: No, but it would probably help if I could even find that charming boyfriend of mine. Manny: I think I found mine. (Manny eyes Sav and goes over to him.) Manny: Hey are these seats taken? Sav: Uh sit here. Manny: Thank you. Sav: I'm Sav by the way. Manny: Manny and this is Darcy. (Darcy smiles.) Sav: Hey. Jane: Jane. Hi. Sav: I was just telling Jane that we should round up some people and go snowboarding this weekend. Jane: And I was just telling Sav that nobody would be interested. Manny: Uh we might be. Right Darcy? Darcy: Sounds like a blast of cold. Besides I've got a church retreat. Holly J: Gotta get your bible on? Manny: Just her never-ending search for eternal happiness. Holly J: Has she checked under her extensions? Darcy: No, but there it is behind your gigantic rump. (Holly J puts her tray down and spills Darcy's all over the floor.) Ms. Hatzilakos: *On the PA system* Darcy Edwards please report to the principal's office immediately. Holly J: Wait, that's you? But you seem like such a good girl. Darcy: You better clean that up. (Darcy walks away.) Darcy: (To herself) Love our new guests. (Toby walks over to Liberty who is sitting on the cafeteria steps.) Toby: This pit of filth taken? (He sort of bumps into Holly J.) Holly J: Trying to feel me up, toad? Toby: This is our hall. These are our lockers. These are our crappy motivational posters. They have no right to take this from us. Liberty: Lakehurst was forced to come here. It wasn't their choice. Toby: So you're okay with JT's killers being here? Liberty: I feel a podcast coming on. Toby: I'm serious. Liberty: Tobes I'm never gonna be okay with the fact that JT's gone, but Lakehurst didn't kill him. One psycho did and he's in jail. Toby: Johnny DiMarco's here. He was there when JT got stabbed and what happens to him? Nothing. Liberty: Dr. Martin Luther King said "Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars". Let it go, Toby. In Ms. Hatzilakos' office (Darcy knocks.) Ms. Hatzilakos: Come in. So Peter says there's something that you two want to tell me. Peter: Mom um you know how I like ketchup on my broccoli? Shouldn't go together, right? Uh well that's a lot like me and Darcy. We've been... Darcy: I think he's trying to say that we're together and we don't want to keep it a secret anymore. Ms. Hatzilakos: Have you parents given their blessing? Darcy: Oh sure. As long as we obey the rule of chastity, they're happy. Peter: We just want to be honest or whatever. Ms. Hatzilakos: Well Peter's behaviour has turned around and I think I know why, so what can I say? He's a lucky kid. (Darcy hugs her.) Ms. Hatzilakos: But if you give me any reason, I'll reconsider. Darcy: We'll be angels. Promise. (They hug excitedly.) Outside the school Toby: So Lakehurst burns to the ground. How appropriate. Johnny: Believe me I wish I were anywhere, but this dump. Toby: Yeah that makes two of us. Johnny: Wait you're the guy we rolled last semester? Oh man I'm over that, alright? How about a peace treaty? Toby: Not unless you say you're sorry. Johnny: Fine I'm sorry I called you a digi-wiener and kicked your ass. Toby: You stood there while your friend stabbed my friend to death. (Johnny walks away.) In the gym Holly J: Um if we're gonna be one squad, I nominate myself as co-captain. Darcy: Ha! Please. Job's taken. Warm-ups people. (Darcy walks over to Manny and they sit on the floor to do their stretches.) Darcy: I have an announcement. Holly J: That you're a vampire? Darcy: Me and Peter, we're official! And his mom is totally cool with us being us. Manny: That's kind of amazing. Darcy: So you're okay with it too? Manny: As long as you're happy. Speaking of happy, I'm in a snowboarding mood. Darcy: A snowboarding mood or a Sav mood? Already with the boy crazy? Manny: Sav-schmav. It'll be fun! Unless ditching church retreat gets you struck by lightning. Darcy: Even if I were to risk divine electrocution, it would be to spend time here with my boyfriend. In the hallway Mrs. Edwards: What's taking so long? Where's Darcy? Ms. Hatzilakos: Can I help you? Mr. Edwards: Uh my daughter's on Spirit Squad. Chauffer service, you know. Darcy: Hi! Sorry I'm late. Uh let's go. Ms. Hatzilakos: Oh I'm Daphne Hatzilakos, Darcy's principal, and you know my son, Peter. Mrs. Edwards: Oh we know your son. Ms. Hatzilakos: Great. Well I was hoping we'd meet. Mr. Edwards: Uh Darcy's not in trouble, is she? Ms. Hatzilakos: No, but if my son and your daughter are gonna be an item, it's best that we have each other on speed dial. Mrs. Edwards: Oh no, no, no, no, no. There must be some misunderstanding. Darcy is not dating your son. Mr. Edwards: Darcy told us he left her to walk home in the rain after being cited for driving without a licence? Ms. Hatzilakos: Yes and I see she survived. Mr. Edwards: And what about those photos he took and sent to his perverted friends on the Internet? Peter: That was her idea. Ms. Hatzilakos: Look I know Peter is no angel, but I am doing my best. Mr. Edwards: Ms. Hatzilakos, I'm sure your son is a handful. Ms. Hatzilakos: I can handle my son, Mr. Edwards. Mrs. Edwards: Well maybe if you and Mr. Hatzilakos were still together- Darcy: Mom! Ms. Hatzilakos: Very nice to meet you. (Ms. Hatzilakos and Peter walk away and Peter whispers to Darcy.) Peter: Darcy, do something! [SCENE_BREAK] At Darcy's (Darcy is holding a thermometer under a lamp.) Mrs. Edwards: Darcy, are you ready? The bus is leaving! Darcy: Our minivan can go without me. Mrs. Edwards: Nobody's going on the retreat without you. Darcy: I think I'm coming down with a cold. Can't I just stay home? Mrs. Edwards: But you always have so much fun on the retreat. Darcy: I don't want to spread my germs and I have homework, new cheers... Mrs. Edwards: Oh I don't know sweetie. Staying by yourself over night? Darcy: Mom I'm seventeen! Mrs. Edwards: Okay. You've got a good head on your shoulders and we trust you. Darcy: Thanks mom. Mrs. Edwards: Okay rest up. We'll be checking in. You have our numbers and we'll be back later tomorrow afternoon, okay? (Darcy texts Manny "I'll be there in 15 mins".) Outside, everyone is boarding onto the busses Manny: There you are all just in time. Darcy: Yeah I had to wait for my parents to leave. Manny: I take it the Churchisons aren't cool with unsupervised winter fun? Darcy: That would be a no, but you've taught me everything there is to know about call-forwarding. Have you seen Peter? Manny: No. Darcy: Another voicemail. *On her phone* Peter it's me. I'm on my way to Mount Huron. The next bus leaves in an hour. Please come. I promise I'll make it worth your while. Manny: Hurry up! At Toby's (He is at his computer publishing a podcast to the Grapevine.) Toby: If Lakehurst cast-offs like Johnny DiMarco think that I'm gonna personally welcome them to Degrassi, wake up. It ain't gonna happen and if anyone has a problem with that, remember nobody messes with Toby Isaacs. On the mountain (Manny is helping Darcy with her snowboard.) Manny: Here. Just wedge your foot. Darcy: I've never done this before! I'm gonna break my neck! Manny: It's not as scary as it looks, okay? If you learn now you'll never forget. Jane: Right foot first? Are you goofy? Never mind. Hey um killer party tonight. Guaranteed rager if you're sticking around 'til the last bus. Darcy: Funny I was just wondering when the next bus leaves to go home. (Her phone rings.) Darcy: (On the phone) Peter! Thank gosh. I am so sorry I couldn't stand up to my parents. Please just tell me you're not calling to break up. (He sits down beside her.) Peter: Come on. You're the one who's supposed to have faith. Darcy: You made it! Peter: Yeah I'll pulled the mom's house, dad's house shell game. Said you'd make it worth my while. Darcy: And did you hear about the party tonight? Peter: Yeah of course. (A montage begins of them all snowboarding and having a good time.) Outside (Toby, Derek and Danny are playing street hockey.) Liberty: Toby! "Lakehurst are a bunch of mouth-breathing Neanderthals"? Toby: I couldn't agree more. Liberty: I heard your podcast. How is name calling supposed to help? Toby: It's not name calling. It's scientific classification. Liberty: I was gonna ask you to head up the integration committee, but your personal vendetta isn't helping. Toby: Yeah well maybe some people don't want to integrate. Danny: Car! (They move to the side of the road.) Danny: Check it. Lakehurst 9ers. Wanna go bust heads? (Derek nods and they start playing hockey again.) Danny: Later okay? Liberty: Is this what you want? An ongoing war? You remember how that ended last time. At the snow lodge Manny: Ditching the church retreat, lying to your parents, sneaking out. You know you don't have to commit all 7 deadly sins in one night. Darcy: Hey I'm not drinking, am I? Besides none of this would be necessary if my parents hadn't banned me from seeing Peter. Manny: When will parents ever learn? Forbidding things is an aphrodisiac. Darcy: Totally. (Peter and Darcy kiss before walking away. A creepy guy eyes Manny and she shudders as she walks away.) In the hallway Darcy: Finally I have you all to myself. Peter: And there's nothing our parents can do about it. Darcy: You were right. This whole sneaking around behind their backs thing, it is kind of hot. (They go into the room and start making out on the bed.) Darcy: Woah. Slow down. You know the above-the-waist rule, Peter. Peter: Just relax. Darcy: I'm not comfortable with this. Peter: What happened to "I'll make it worth your while"? Darcy: I meant I'd buy your lift ticket, stupid. You know I took a vow of abstinence. Peter: Yeah? Well the problem is I didn't! Darcy: Get out. Peter: Come on Darcy. (She opens the door.) Darcy: Out. Peter: Alright I'm sorry. Darcy: My parents were so right about you! (Peter leaves and Darcy closes the door.) At a pool hall Johnny: Coming here alone? That's brave...or stupid. Toby: Maybe both. Look Johnny I don't want to start a war and I think as long as we're under the same roof, we should try to get along. Johnny: That's not what podcast Toby said. Yeah we've all heard it. You know before someone messes with you, I'd suggest you bust out of here. Toby: Look you don't understand. I want to take you up on your peace treaty. Johnny: Treaty's off the table, wiener. I'll see you at school. (Toby leaves.) At the party Manny: Church retreat, smurch retreat. Aren't you glad you came up here? Darcy: Not remotely. (Darcy takes a big sip of her drink.) Manny: Easy tiger. The bus leaves in half an hour. Darcy: You were right, you know, about forbidding things. Just now in the bedroom, Peter was trying to make me do things. Manny: Isn't the rule of abstinence supposed to make life easier? Darcy: It's not a rule. I'm not ready. I want to wait until I'm married. I'm not like you Manny. With no values, no self-respect... Manny: Well if you're gonna get off on your high horse, then I'm gone. You and Satan Jr. are made for each other. (She leaves and Darcy walks over to the bathroom.) Darcy: I have to pee. (She leaves her drink on the table and goes inside the bathroom.) Outside the party, Peter is getting drunk Some guy: Hey man. Getting your shine on? Peter: Whatever man. Sue me. (He goes inside to look for Darcy.) Peter: I'm a jackass. Sorry, a jackbutt. (Darcy laughs and takes another sip.) Peter: How wasted are you? Darcy: I only had one drink, jackass. Peter: Oh saucy. You're a bad liar, though. Even worse when you're drunk. Darcy: Let's not, let's not fight anymore, okay? Peter: Deal. Swear. Darcy: We can go do it if you want. Peter: Do what? Darcy: Whatever. Anything you want. Peter: Can I tell you a secret? I'm a virgin too and I don't care because I'll wait until whenever 'cause I love you. (Darcy passes out as he's talking to her.) Peter: I'm gonna barf. (Peter runs off as Darcy's still lying on the couch.) In a graveyard, Toby walks over to JT's grave Toby: Hey JT. I know you're busy, but um if I had anyone else to talk to, I would. (He uncovers a picture frame covered in snow.) Toby: I miss you JT and I know that violence just multiples violence in the deep, dark something, but it sucks that Lakehurst people are in our halls and you're not. It's not fair, but maybe with so many new people at Degrassi, maybe there's someone like you and as they say, strangers are just friends you haven't met yet. (He publishes a new podcast online.) At the ski lodge (Someone carries Darcy into a bedroom as she's passes out and then locks the door.)
Plan: A: The Degrassi students; Q: Who returns from winter break to find the school has merged with Lakehurst? A: the school; Q: What did Degrassi students return to find has merged with Lakehurst? A: a devastating fire; Q: What caused Degrassi to merge with Lakehurst? A: Darcy; Q: Who begins dating Peter despite their parents' disdain? A: J.T.'s death; Q: What event caused Toby to be angry about Lakehurst's presence? A: his feelings; Q: What does Toby let known through his podcast? Summary: The Degrassi students return from winter break to find the school has merged with Lakehurst following a devastating fire. Meanwhile, Darcy begins openly dating Peter despite their parents' disdain. Also, Toby is angry over Lakehurst's presence so soon after J.T.'s death and lets his feelings be known through his podcast.
"The Man on the Fairway" [SCENE_BREAK] [Begin with Brennan driving a golf cart and Zack riding shotgun to what can only be assumed as a crime scene at a golf course] BRENNAN: We'll be meeting with agents from the FAA, the NTSB, and local police. ZACK: Usually Booth handles those people. BRENNAN: Plane crashes don't belong to the FBI. ZACK: Why not? FAA stands for Federal Aviation Administration. The NTSB stands for National Transportation Safety Board. That sounds Federal to me and FBI stands for Federal Bureau... BRENNAN: Zack. ZACK: This is the third time in a row we've investigated without Booth. I don't like it. BRENNAN: Why? He mostly ignores you. ZACK: Ignoring me is Booth's way of acknowledging my presence. It's a guy thing. BRENNAN: Here we are. [Brennan slows the cart as they reach an area cordoned off by yellow police tape protecting what looks to be a small plane crash] DYSON: Dr. Brennan? BRENNAN: Yes. DYSON: I'm Ian Dyson with the NTSB. BRENNAN: This is my assistant, Zack Addy. DYSON: At approximately zero four hundred last night, a private jet with five passengers on board reported horizontal stabilizer trouble, two hundred miles southeast of Norfolk. Yeager Airport in Charleston tracked them for thirty minutes until they dropped off the radar screen at zero four thirty. The plane tried to make an emergency landing here when it clipped some trees and slammed to the ground. We found another mostly intact body over near the trees. The rest is bits and pieces. ZACK: What makes this one of our cases? DYSON: I beg your pardon? ZACK: We're kind of special. We're elite. We don't sort though just any set of bodies. DYSON: It was a state department flight with a bunch of VIP's on board. Is that special enough? ZACK: I apologize if I have offended you. Usually we have an FBI Agent who mediates our interpersonal encounters. [A woman dressed in a Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab coverall walks up to Zack and Brennan] WOMAN: We found another skull. ZACK: Two skulls, those pieces are from two different skulls. DYSON: I'll leave you super elite types to it. BRENNAN: Zack, we don't need Booth to mediate our interpersonal encounters. [Leaning down, she examines what's left of the cockpit of the plane] Okay, pilot, copilot, brings our count to six. Three mostly intact sets of remains, one partial, and two fragmented. ZACK: Obviously bodies are burnt to a crisp but no dermis, very little soft tissue, indications of high impact trauma, burst fractures to the lower thoracic and lumbar vertebrae consistent with injuries caused by the vertical impact of the falling aircraft. Should I keep talking as though you are paying attention? BRENNAN: [Picking up a fragment of bone] What do you make of this? ZACK: Femur fragment. BRENNAN: No charring. ZACK: You think this fragment doesn't belong to the plane crash. BRENNAN: What are the odds? ZACK: A crashing plane falling directly on a human being? One in ten million. [Cut to the Jeffersonian, Dr. Goodman's office. Angela and Brennan are seated opposite of Dr. Goodman who is standing behind his desk. Zack and Hodgins are standing behind Angela and Brennan.] DR. GOODMAN: The information that I'm about to tell you must not leave this room HODGINS: I am philosophically imposed to institutional secrecy in all its forms. DR. GOODMAN: Fine, get out. [Hodgins scoffs] DR. GOODMAN: Two communist Chinese trade attachés were on that plane when it crashed both high ranking party men. HODGINS: Well obviously we shot it down. DR. GOODMAN: [Sitting down at his desk] The FAA and the NTSB can prove that it was an accident. Also on the manifest was an American business man, a pilot and a co- pilot, five people. ZACK: Dr. Goodman, we found six sets of human remains on that airplane. BRENNAN: Not to mention, three bone fragments which were not on the plane. DR. GOODMAN: Is there any chance those bone fragments were on the plane? ANGELA: What, you mean as carry on luggage? BRENNAN: No, everything on the plane burned. They were untouched by fire. DR. GOODMAN: Hmmm. Then forget about the bone fragments for the time being. The state department is extremely anxious to find the identity of that sixth person. No one wishes this to become an international incident. Therefore, this is our only priority. BRENNAN: I disagree! DR. GOODMAN: For the love of God, why? BRENNAN: Because the plane crash was an accident. The bone fragments were not. DR. GOODMAN: How do you know? BRENNAN: Zack found unusual cut marks. ZACK: Cut marks congruent with dismemberment. DR. GOODMAN: People, one hour ago I received a call from the secretary of state requesting that the unidentified extra passenger be our first priority. BRENNAN: So now politics are more important then murder? DR. GOODMAN: I'm not saying please. I'm not being reasonable. I'm making the decision. First and foremost identify that sixth body! [Cut to the lab with Brennan holding up a bone fragment and looking at Booth] BRENNAN: You got it or do you want me to explain again? BOOTH: No, I got it okay. The plane goes down, Kablooey, there's an extra body on board which you really don't care about because you're more interested in these bone fragments that you found on the ground. BOOTH: Hmmm. Is this all you got? BRENNAN: So far, a piece of skull, a chunk of vertebrae, part of a femur. BOOTH: Not much to go on. BRENNAN: These fragments come from a person who was hacked. BOOTH: [Wincing] Hacked to little bits. BRENNAN: No, medium sized bits. I'm not sure how it turned into little bits yet. BOOTH: Okay and I'm here why? BRENNAN: Dismemberment, little bits, it's a murder. BOOTH: Well FBI doesn't have jurisdiction at a golf course. BRENNAN: Well who does? BOOTH: I don't know. Try the PGA. [Smiling knowingly] Uh huh. You know you've done a couple of cases without me and you miss me. BRENNAN: Zack misses you not me. BOOTH: Zack and I don't even talk. BRENNAN: He seems to think it's a male bonding ritual. BOOTH: Maybe he's right? BRENNAN: No he's not. BOOTH: Could be? BRENNAN: You told him that so you wouldn't have to talk to him. BOOTH: Well it was nicer then shooting him. BRENNAN: [Frustrated] Mmmm. Goodman has ordered me to investigate the other extra body. BOOTH: Well then you better get on that. Next time you know, you miss me pick up the phone call me we'll do lunch or something. BRENNAN: I do not miss you! BOOTH: Yeah you miss me. C'mon. BRENNAN: I do not miss you! BOOTH: Say it. Security Guard: [Interrupting] Dr. Brennan, Agent Booth, you have a visitor. BOOTH: You miss me. BRENNAN: [Walking away] No I don't. BOOTH: You miss me. You miss me. [Cut to Booth and Brennan entering her office to see a man waiting for them] JESSE KANE: Dr. Temperance Brennan. BRENNAN: Yes. JESSE: Special Agent Seeley Booth, I'm Jesse Kane. BOOTH: You're Jesse Kane? JESSE: You've heard of me? BRENNAN: I haven't. BOOTH: Jesse here is sort of an expert in missing person's cases. JESSE: I've done some writing on missing person laws and investigative techniques, inner agency cooperation, jurisdictional dispute, that kind of thing. I heard about the bones you found at the golf course. BRENNAN: I can't really talk about that. JESSE: I don't mean the Communist Chinese on the plane. BOOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Communist Chinese... JESSE: The other bones, the fragments. BOOTH: How did you hear about the Communist Chinese? JESSE: [Ignoring Booth speaking to Brennan] Those pieces of bone you found at the golf course, I'm pretty sure that's my dad. [Roll Intro.] [Cut to Kane, Booth, and Brennan all sitting at a table in the middle of Wong Foo's] JESSE: My expertise in missing person's investigations derives from one thing, my search for my father. He went missing five years ago during a trip to his cottage in Virginia Beach. BRENNAN: What makes you think these bone fragments come from your father? BOOTH: Alright, you know there is a question of National security here that is my jurisdiction. [To Brennan] He's not supposed to know about the Chinese. JESSE: My investigations lead me to conclude that my father was murdered in the area and his body disposed. BRENNAN: What did the police say? JESSE: They gave up four years ago. BOOTH: Because there was no evidence of foul play. JESSE: The investigation was bungled. The city police didn't have the manpower, the state troopers said it was a federal matter, and you guys suggested a private investigator. BOOTH: It was not bungled, okay, because there was no evidence of foul play. It's a common story, okay? A guy goes in for a pack of cigarettes and ends up renting out snorkeling gear in Guam. JESSE: He doesn't know what it's like to loose a parent you do. BOOTH: [Pissed] You want to back down a jot there buddy? BRENNAN: How do you know about that? JESSE: No offense, Dr. Brennan but you're a writer. You're a well know scientist, it's out there plus you're one of us. BRENNAN: One of us? JESSE: People who's loved ones have simply vanished, in your case both parents. BOOTH: Okay, how do you know about the Chinese? [Kane ignores him and Booth snaps in his face and puts his hand in front of Bone's face] Do not look at Dr. Brennan, okay? Whether you like it or not, this is an issue between you [Brennan moves his hand away] and the FBI. JESSE: If body parts are found in roughly the area where my father disappeared, I'm going to know about it. Radio chatter, the internet, the local law enforcement, that's all I'm prepared to tell you. [To Brennan] Do you mind if I ask you how many bone fragments you found? BRENNAN: Yes I do. I don't discuss ongoing investigations. BOOTH: She doesn't discuss ongoing investigations. JESSE: Fair enough, Dr. Brennan. [Referring to a box beside him] These are my notes from the last five years, every lead, every clue; every person I have ever talked with is here. BOOTH: And why would Dr. Brennan care about that? JESSE: Cause it will least give her a candidate to eliminate. BRENNAN: He's got a point. JESSE: My father's medical records, pictures, last known whereabouts, even a connection to the golf course. Also my phone number but don't worry if I don't hear from you, you'll hear from me. BOOTH: Wow! Pushy. BRENNAN: Well maybe he discovered that being pushy is how you get cops to pay attention. BOOTH: What are you hawking at me for? BRENNAN: The Chinese, the plane crash, that's geo politics. This is murder. Will you help? BOOTH: Well you know I guess if you're uh, really asking me, I guess I could uh you know fudge it with my boss to make it look like it was attached to the Chinese plane crash thing. [Cut to Jeffersonian where Brennan is looking at the three bone fragments. Angela walks in with Zack and Hodgins.] ANGELA: We've made some progress on the mystery passenger. BRENNAN: Fill me in. ZACK: Nasal ridges indicated she was a Caucasoid female approximately 5'10" epiphyseal fusion puts her age somewhere between twenty to twenty-five. ANGELA: I have a theory. HODGINS: Femme fatal assassin. ZACK: Unregistered flight attendant. ANGELA: Young, beautiful girl, doesn't appear on the in flight manifest, group of how powered politicos. HODGINS: Oh. ZACK: Wait. What? What? BRENNAN: Someone on that flight might have been doing his daughter or girl friend a favor. ANGELA: Ugh, you're so sweet, honey. You really are. ZACK: Oh, you think she was the in flight entertainment. ANGELA: Yeah... [To Brennan] Anything you want to tell us about the bone bits you care about? ZACK: Supra orbital margin is rounded suggesting a male. BRENNAN: Yes and there are signs of osteolytic liping or polish on this piece of vertebrae. HODGINS: Arthritis. ANGELA: So middle aged guy. BRENNAN: Weathering and discoloration suggests these bones have been out there for approximately five years. I'm going to ask you guys to help me on this. ANGELA: You mean after the Communist thing? BRENNAN: No, immediately. HODGINS: I'm in. ZACK: You want us to defy Dr. Goodman. HODGINS: I'm in. BRENNAN: Not defy per say, do both jobs but keep one a secret. HODGINS: I'm in. ANGELA: We get it. You're a rebel. BRENNAN: Zack, I need you to analyze the cuts on the bone. ZACK: I was kinda hoping to keep my job. ANGELA: There's not enough skull here for me to do a reconstruction. BRENNAN: If I gave you a picture, you could tell me if the skull piece doesn't match? ANGELA: Ah, I could construct a schematic and see if the shard fit the general shape of the skull, if I had a picture. HODGINS: Has anyone noticed that I was the first to offer help and apparently I'm useless. BRENNAN: Not true. You are the one that's going to keep Goodman from finding out. HODGINS: I'm in. [Cut to Brennan sitting at a diner counter with Kane] JESSE: So the bone fragments were the same s*x and age of my father. BRENNAN: Yes. JESSE: Thank you. BRENNAN: It's a long way from conclusive. JESSE: Yeah I know at times like these not to get hopeful but on the other hand you've got to have hope. BRENNAN: Even after five years? JESSE: People are found after decades, Dr. Brennan, after centuries. You've done some of the finding. BRENNAN: Booth says you've made a living off of the disappearance of your father. JESSE: About six months after my father disappeared, I found out nobody was actually looking for him. Next thing I knew I was an expert in motivating the police, victims rights, becoming well known is a by product of my search for my father not the goal of my search. You should understand my motivation better then most people in law enforcement. BRENNAN: I'm not really interested in bonding over the loss of my parents. Booth is looking over your file now. JESSE: I wasn't looking for his help. BRENNAN: We work together. Booth knows that the bone fragments are evidence of foul play. That's all the motivation he needed. JESSE: You didn't have to lean on him? BRENNAN: [Smiling] Not at all. JESSE: If you say so. [Cut to Medico-Legal Lab on the platform. The camera pans over the six bodies lined up next to each other on tables. Each has a picture to identify the body except for the last one. Hodgins, Zack, and Angela are looking at the bone fragments on a computer screen.] ZACK: Well, one of the bone fragments has distinctive ridge mark indentations. HODGINS: Knife mark. ZACK: Yes, specifically a carving knife. ANGELA: What about the other ones, the jagged marks? ZACK: Some kind of machine blade. ANGELA: What like a jigsaw or a chainsaw? DR. GOODMAN: [Clearing his throat to make his presence known] Are you suggesting one of the Chinese diplomats was wielding a chainsaw? HODGINS: Ah, good one sir, very droll. Zack knows much more about this then I do but we weren't discussing a literal chainsaw cut but rather the pattern it leaves on the bone. Right? Zack? [Zack just stares at Dr. Goodman with his mouth open.] ANGELA: You know blades move in several distinctive ways. HODGINS: Several distinctive ways. ZACK: Circular elliptical segmented, chainsaws are designed to cut soft materials at high speed when cutting hard materials like bone they create wave marks by the action of the blade. This pattern is too organized, too linear. HODGINS: Therefore, no Chinese chainsaw massacre scenario. DR. GOODMAN: Hmmm, yes, fascinating. What has it got to do with the victims of the plane crash? HODGINS: We not only have to reassemble each of the plane crash victims but figure out how their remains were scattered. ZACK: Not by being cut up, that's for sure. HODGINS: Now we've eliminated blades. [Dr. Goodman rolls his eyes and walks away.] HODGINS: [To Zack] Never. Freeze. On. Me. Again. ZACK: I find Dr. Goodman scary. ANGELA: Well, I'm never trusting any of us again. We're that good at lying, huh? HODGINS: We're going to do much better. [Cut to Brennan and Booth driving in his SUV] BOOTH: Well, you know, I have to admit Jesse Kane's file on his father is both well organized and complete. Yep, his main suspect is his fathers' girlfriend. BRENNAN: Karen Anderson. BOOTH: No alibi and since they were living together at the time of the disappearance she remains in the house and has access to their joint accounts. BRENNAN: Well how much money are we talking about? BOOTH: Max Kane, he was a stockbroker, he was worth millions but you know, after seven years missing the courts will declare him officially dead but you know, by that time she could have siphoned out half of the money so I say we go visit Miss. Anderson and we'll know pretty fast if she's a suspect. BRENNAN: How? BOOTH: How? Subtle psychological indicators, Brennan. BRENNAN: I looked those up on the internet, body language, sweat, tonal quality, shifty eyes. BOOTH: Hey you know what? I don't go poking around your bone stuff, okay. Just leave the human stuff to me. [Cut to Booth and Brennan sitting across from Karen Anderson and another gentleman, Karen's boyfriend Eddie, in Karen's home] Karen: Why has Max's disappearance become a matter for the FBI? BOOTH: Max's disappearance is not an FBI matter. Eddie: You're an FBI agent. BRENNAN: Human remains were found in the course of a Federal investigation. Agent Booth is taxed with the job of identifying them. BOOTH: I'd like to eliminate Max Kane as a possibility and just move on all together. Karen: So this is a proforma interview? BOOTH: Yes, yes, absolutely. Karen: Because I know Max's son Jesse accuses me of Max's murder. BOOTH: Why do you think he suspects you? Karen: Because of the age difference between me and Max, because I'm still living in the house, because after five years I dared to fall in love with someone new. Who knows. BRENNAN: Some people find it harder then others to get over the loss of a loved one. BOOTH: Bones. BRENNAN: What? Karen: Jesse got to you, didn't he? The dimples and the sad smile, and melancholy on a mission to find his beloved father, you know all that. BRENNAN: Jesse didn't love his father? Karen: Max and Jesse didn't speak for the two years before Max disappeared and that was before I came into his life. BOOTH: What do you think caused the riff? Karen: Max cut Jesse off financially. Max thought Jesse was lazy running around New York doing nothing with his life and well Jesse was furious. [Cut to Medico Legal Lab with Brennan, Hodgins, and Zack discussing the bone fragments. Angela is by the door, watching for Goodman] ZACK: The hack marks were caused by a Heidal carving knife. HODGINS: The osteological profile suggests evidence of post mortem freezing. BRENNAN: Max Kane disappeared mid winter. What about the jagged cut marks? ANGELA: This is the part that makes me queasy. ZACK: The victim was frozen, dismembered, and fed into a wood chipper. HODGINS: And spread over a golf course. ANGELA: Either talk loudly enough so I can hear all the way or whisper so I can't. ZACK: Maybe if we told Goodman what we know, he'd authorize a change in priorities. ANGELA: Or he'd suspend us all for defying him. BRENNAN: Angela's right. ZACK: [Hopeful] So we're going to drop this and get back to what Dr. Goodman told us to do in the first place? BRENNAN: [Smiling] No, we are going to keep doing what we are doing behind Goodman's back. HODGINS: [Excited] That's the spirit! [Cut to Booth's office where he and Brennan are questioning Jesse Kane about the rift with his father] JESSE: Yeah it's true. My father cut me off financially so I take it that means you talked to Karen. BOOTH: Is there anything else you failed to mention to us? BRENNAN: Why didn't you tell us? JESSE: I know I didn't kill my father so I'd rather you didn't waste your time on that line of investigation. BOOTH: Too late so what happened between you and your father, hmm? JESSE: About five years ago I was enrolled at NYU. All I really did was go clubbing and have a good time. My father was right to cut me off. I was a disappointment to him. BOOTH: But, you know, if he could see you now. JESSE: I'd like to think he can see me now. BRENNAN: Your father is dead. A dead person can't see anything. JESSE: Maybe that's true, maybe it isn't but either way at least I know my dad would be proud. BOOTH: Bones, tell Jesse what happened to the victim. BRENNAN: Really? JESSE: What? BRENNAN: [To Booth] It's just that usually you tell me not to tell people. JESSE: It can't be worse then some of the things I have imagined. BRENNAN: The victim was frozen, dismembered, and fed through a wood chipper. BOOTH: Brennan has figured out what type of wood chipper was used. We're going to trace it to the manufacturer and see if one was sold in Virginia Beach. JESSE: I can't believe someone would do that to my dad. BRENNAN: We haven't positively identified the victim as your father. I have our artist comparing the skull fragment to pictures of your dad. JESSE: Could I see the bone fragments? [Cut to Medico Legal Lab where Brennan is showing Jesse the fragments] JESSE: This is all? BRENNAN: Yes. I mean...it's all of somebody. JESSE: He was a big man, my dad. It's hard to believe that this is all that is left of him. How can you get anything from three small bits of bone? BRENNAN: It's more then a lot of people get. JESSE: I know where my dad was right before he disappeared. I know my dad met with a client at the North Star Grill in Virginia Beach. I know he had meatloaf. I know he was supposed to meet Karen at the pier but he didn't show up. I know she waited two days, before reporting him gone. I have a good timeline and I have three small bits of bone. You don't have any of those things and I realize how hopeless you must feel. BRENNAN: Come with me. [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut to Brennan's office where she hands a file to Jesse] JESSE: This is all you have? BRENNAN: Yes, you were right about how little it is. JESSE: No, I mean this is simply your copy of the official file. BRENNAN: Yes, what else would there be? JESSE: You never tried to hire any private investigators, did any poking around by yourself? BRENNAN: Well I'm pretty new at field work. I've mostly been a lab rat my whole career plus I trusted the authorities would do what they could. JESSE: The authorities have rooms filled with files like these, warehouses. BRENNAN: I'm the authorities, Booth is the authorities. JESSE: Did you ever show this file to Booth? BRENNAN: No, no. [Kane leans in to kiss her and she backs up.] This is where I work. ANGELA: [Interrupting] Uh which is my cue? BRENNAN: Uh, um, Angela, come in. This is Jesse Kane. ANGELA: Hello. JESSE: Hi. ANGELA: Hi, Angela Montenegro. BRENNAN: [Referring to a piece of paper in Angela's hand] What's that? ANGELA: Oh, uh nothing that can't wait. JESSE: Is it about my father? ANGELA: In as far as I know, which is quite far believe me, no one has tried to kiss Brennan in this office and lived to tell about it. BRENNAN: Angela. JESSE: Would one of you please tell me what that piece of paper is? ANGELA: It's a uh, it's a schematic comparing the skull fragments we found on the golf course to pictures of your father. JESSE: And? BRENNAN: It doesn't not match your father. JESSE: So it could be him? ANGELA: Yeah there's a pretty good chance. JESSE: I knew it. [Cut to Angela and Brennan walking through the lab] ANGELA: Are you hooking up later? BRENNAN: We didn't arrange anything. ANGELA: Why not? BRENNAN: Cause you were right there! Hovering . ANGELA: I was not. I was being your wing man. BRENNAN: What's that? ANGELA: I was rendering assistance and enabling where needed. BRENNAN: Booth thinks he might be a suspect. ANGELA: Oh now you're just looking for excuses not to get involved. [Cut to Angela's office. Brennan, Goodman and Angela are gathered around the Angelator reviewing the victims and their profile from the plane crash] ANGELA: Plane crash victim number four, captain Jacob Howard, pilot, age forty-seven, height five foot six, weight approximately one hundred and sixty seven pounds. BRENNAN: [To Angela] Overlay the photograph. Frontal zygomatic sutures line up, cranial meninges are in sync. DR. GOODMAN: Excellent that's one more off our list. ANGELA: Victim number five, Shen Ru Fong, age fifty-six, height five foot six, weight approximately one hundred and forty pounds. DR. GOODMAN: Yes that's terrific except we knew all of these people were on the plane. What the state department wants to know is the identity of our mystery woman. I hope I can count on your full energies on this Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: If I could be completely honest sir... HODGINS: [Walking in and interrupting] Toxicology reports came back from all six victims. Pilot and co-pilot were clean. Our two Chinese nationals had elevated levels of alcohol and Sildenafil more commonly know as Viagra and our mystery girl showed traces of alcohol and cocaine. So will the cover up start now or somewhere between here and the State Department? DR. GOODMAN: [To Brennan] You were saying about being completely honest? BRENNAN: Yes sir. Regarding the bone shards.... ZACK: [Interrupting] Uh, the prostitute was six inches taller then anyone else on the flight and she had occupational stress markers. DR. GOODMAN: Let's not call her a prostitute yet, Mr. Addy. What occupational markers? HODGINS: Eh, it's a foot thing. DR. GOODMAN: She was a fetishist? ZACK: Both her Cuboid and Medico Malleolus show signs of wear. BRENNAN: You can relax Dr. Goodman. She wore extremely high stiletto heels. ANGELA: I reconstructed her face from the partial skull. [Angela enters data and a blonde woman's upper torso shows up.] HODGINS: She was hot. DR. GOODMAN: [To Brennan] What's our next move? BRENNAN: I suggest we try to match this reconstruction with escort ads both internet and print in the DC area. ZACK: [Quickly] Oh, I'll do that. Was that overly enthusiastic? DR. GOODMAN: Thank you for the update. This case continues to be your top priority, correct? BRENNAN: If I could suggest... HODGINS: Dr. Brennan has been very clear about your priorities on this, Sir. [Cut to Jeffersonian parking lot] BRENNAN: What's that? BOOTH: It's the only Black Mantis wood chipper in Virginia Beach. I subpoenaed the records from the manufacturer and traced it back to the town equipment yard. Uh, my people they uh, couldn't find any blood residue. BRENNAN: That makes sense if the corpse was frozen. BOOTH: Yeah not to mention this puppy here has grinded up about ten thousand trees, you know. Hey I figured you could match the blades to the cuts in the bones, right or do something I haven't though of much more confusing and scientific? ZACK: [Approaching Both and Brennan] Booth, nobody told me you were working this case. BOOTH: [Ignoring Zack and speaking to Brennan] Only two people have had access to this machine in the past seven years, a city maintenance foreman and a city maintenance worker by the name of Ray Sparks. Sparks has got a jacket so... What do you say, huh? You want to come with me to go talk to him? ZACK: [To Brennan] Told you. It's a guy thing. BRENNAN: [To Booth] Um, yes I'd like to come. BOOTH: Alright, here we go. BRENNAN: [To Zack] Let Angela do the escort matching. I have something a lot more interesting for you and Hodgins. BOOTH: What's more interesting then escorts? BRENNAN: I need you guys to run a dispersal pattern test on the chipper. ZACK: Using what medium? BRENNAN: Assume the victim was frozen solid when he was fed into the chipper. ZACK: No way. BOOTH: [To Brennan] The correct response would be [whispers] yes way. BRENNAN: Oh. [To Zack] Yes way. [Cut to Spark's house, Booth and Brennan walk up the front porch to the door.] BRENNAN: You ignore Zack to make him think that you've got some special bond. BOOTH: Yeah but it works doesn't it? I'm happy. He's happy. BRENNAN: It's not the truth. BOOTH: [Knocking on the door] But it works. Ray Sparks I would like to have a word with you please. BRENNAN: Zack wants to fit into the real world more then anything. You're not helping. BOOTH: [Knocking again] FBI, Special Agent Booth. [Both here a loud crash from inside] BOOTH: He went out around the back. [Booth takes off down the porch steps and heads left around the house. Brennan follows him and bumps into him at the corner. Booth stops for a second and looks at her] BOOTH: No, no, the other way, Bones! BOOTH: FBI! Freeze! [Sparks turns and tries to run the other way. Brennan comes out from her side of the house and grabs him by the throat and shoves him backwards. Sparks falls on his back on the ground in front of her grunting. She puts her foot on his throat to keep him down] BOOTH: [Muttering] Bones... [To guy on the ground] Ray Sparks? Sparks: Hey, I didn't do nothing wrong! BRENNAN: [To Booth] I feel like kicking him. BOOTH: [Pulling out handcuffs] That's normal after a pursuit. We try not to do that. BOOTH: [To Sparks] Come on, up. [Cut to Jeffersonian parking lot. There is yellow security tape roping off the area with the wood chipper inside. Hodgins and Zack roll out a gurney holding something large and completely covered] ZACK: [Looking around] Too many people. How are we going to keep this from Dr. Goodman? HODGINS: Ah, he's having lunch with the President of Harvard. ANGELA: [Walking up and noticing the scene] What's going on? Why is every guy from the Jeffersonian out here? HODGINS: They're scientists, this is a fascinating, scientific inquiry. ANGELA: Oh my God! They're all out here because you're going to feed something through this wood chipper. HODGINS: Not just something. [Removing the sheet from the gurney] Ta da! A frozen pig. Ha ha! ANGELA: [Disgusted] Oh, ugh. ZACK: The morphology of pig bones is almost identical to human bone. HODGINS: By feeding the pig through the wood chipper we'll be able to determine the dispersal pattern of the fragments. ZACK: By comparing the pulverized pig remains to the fragments we found at the golf course we'll be able to tell if this is the actual wood chipper the victim was fed through. ANGELA: Liars! You just want to see what happens when you toss some frozen pig into a wood chipper. HODGINS: Ready? [Everyone counts with him] One, Two, Three! [Zack and Hodgins throw the pig into the chipper. It grinds it up and shoots it out into the air.] HODGINS: Yeah. [Everyone is clapping and cheering as they watch pieces of the animal fly through the air. Angela is disgusted and throws a hotdog she had gotten for lunch, into a nearby garbage can. Zack notices Dr. Goodman standing a little ways behind Hodgins. Hodgins turns to see Dr. Goodman flicking pieces of the shredded pig off his lapel] [Cut to interrogation room with Booth and Ray Sparks] BOOTH: [Smacks Sparks in the back of the head with the file and sits] Okay. What do we got here? Break and Enter, Assault, Drunk and Disorderly...Wow! Sparks: Yeah, I've been keeping myself out of trouble for the past four years now. BOOTH: How long have you been a maintenance worker for the city of Virginia Beach? Sparks: Since 92. BOOTH: You ever meet a guy by the name of Max Kane? Sparks: No. BOOTH: Karen Anderson? Sparks: Yeah, I know her. BOOTH: How? Sparks: She bartends at the golf course. BOOTH: [lGrinning] You don't strike me as a golfer, Ray. Sparks: [Chuckling] City land is right across the creek from the course and I...I go to the club house a couple times a week to have lunch. BOOTH: Hey, how did you pay for that house you live in Ray? I mean that's... that's pretty nice. Sparks: You got a hard time sticking to one topic, huh? My mom left me the house. She left it to me and my brother Frank, five years ago. BOOTH: Five years ago Max Kane disappeared, Karen Anderson's boyfriend, so you know you can see how my suspicions might be a little aroused. Sparks: Yeah but the thing is I didn't live in Virginia Beach five years ago. I was in South Hampton Correctional Center doing six months for skipping out on a DUI warrant. Guess I don't need a lawyer, right? [Cut to Medico Legal Lab with Hodgins sitting at a computer typing] DR. GOODMAN: There's no way that wood chipper experiment is connected to the plane crash at the golf course. HODGINS: Look. DR. GOODMAN: Don't say anything. Just listen. Your primary job is to do what I say failing that your job is to fool me. You failed to fool me, Dr. Hodgins. HODGINS: I'd have fooled you if you would have gone to lunch as planned. DR. GOODMAN: I'll find some administrative ways to punish you, parking, dining room privileges, budget reviews, that sort of thing but if it happens again. HODGINS: I got it. DR. GOODMAN: No you don't. [Leaning in] You think I'm a kind and fair man, ego less, balanced, ruled by intelligent reflection but I do have an ego. I can be vindictive and petty. I will take you down even if it means striking at you through your friends and co-workers. [Hodgins looks shocked] Now you understand. [Dr. Goodman turns to leave with a sly smirk on his face] [Cut to Booth's office with Brennan from Kane and Booth standing next to him] BOOTH: Ray Sparks was in jail when your father disappeared. JESSE: He might have acted as a go between, put Karen in touch with the hit man. BOOTH: One of the things that you lecture about is that the simplest theory usually turns out to be true. JESSE: Usually, not always. BRENNAN: What's the simplest theory in this case? BOOTH: Disowned son realizes that his father may remarry, loose his inheritance. BRENNAN: Booth, are you accusing Jesse of murdering his own father for money? BOOTH: Did you ever hear of the Menendez brothers? JESSE: I came to you about the bone shards saying it might be dad. BOOTH: Hey look, your father is declared dead, you get your inheritance before Karen Anderson spends it all. [Kane doesn't react] Well, you don't seem too upset about the accusation. JESSE: Agent Booth. For four years I have been making enemies with law enforcement, attacking me is a pretty typical response. BRENNAN: Booth, is this one of the times when you just poke and prod to get reactions? BOOTH: Listen Bones, we have to treat him like a suspect. He is not a member of the team. JESSE: [To Brennan] Look, I'm like you. I need the truth. BRENNAN: [Upset] I have to get back to the lab. [Cut to Medico Legal Lab. Angela is sitting at a computer and Brennan is sitting next to her. There is a overhead picture of the golf course on the screen with three red dots on it.] ANGELA: Satellite imagery of the golf course. These three dots show where the bone fragments were found. BRENNAN: Can you show me the results of the wood chipper test? ANGELA: The V shape indicates the maximum distance from the point of origin a bone fragment could have traveled given similar wind speeds and ambient temperatures. BRENNAN: Okay and remove the plane crash it's irrelevant to this. ANGELA: The question is, in order to use the guy's pig grinding experiment, where do we place the wood chipper? BRENNAN: I bet the murderer aimed the wood chipper over the stream. ANGELA: So the evidence would wash away... BRENNAN: [Points to a clear section of the map] What's that? ANGELA: That is a small access road for maintenance vehicles. BRENNAN: Try putting the wood chipper there. [Angela enters the data] ANGELA: [Looking pleased] Ooooo, sweet smell of success... BRENNAN: We should see if we can find anymore bone fragments here and here. DR. GOODMAN: [Entering Angela's office] Are we any closer to identifying our mystery woman? [Angela clears the previous information from the screen] BRENNAN: [Startled] Um, I'm not ...I'm not certain. ANGELA: Brennan is still waiting for an update. [Hodgins enters] HODGINS: [Enters Angela's office as well] I saw you come in, Sir and I have an update. I have a list of possible matches on our Geisha in the sky. BRENNAN: She is Caucasian, our mystery woman is definitely Caucasian. HODGINS: We sent a list to the FBI and they're checking it out. DR. GOODMAN: [Sarcastically] Ah, well in that case you might want to turn your attention back to the bone fragments. [Cut to Jesse's motel room] BRENNAN: [Knocks then comes further into the room] I came for the file on my parents. JESSE: [Passes the file to her] You think I might have killed my father. BRENNAN: No, it's just...I asked the wrong person to help me and... JESSE: What? BRENNAN: I just don't think it's healthy what you are doing, putting your whole life into this. JESSE: And I suppose what your doing, putting nothing into solving the disappearance of your parents, I suppose that's healthy? BRENNAN: We're searching the golf course for more bone fragments. [Cut to the Golf course. Somewhere a Clock is Ticking by Snow Patrol is playing. There is an area roped off in red where lab workers from the Jeffersonian along with the team are scouring the area for more bone fragments. Booth is nearby the area watching them. Booth turns and sees Kane standing up on a hill top behind. Brennan turns and also sees Kane and he hangs his head.] [Cut to Medico Legal Lab] HODGINS: Amazingly we found a finger with a nail still attached and underneath that nail... ZACK: Polyurethane, the tough stuff. The victim must have been scraping at something before he died. I... I can't identify this bone anomaly. It's full of osteoids, thick, maybe part of the mandible? BRENNAN: Human, something odd with the cell structure. HODGINS: A wood chipper wouldn't do that damage at the cellular level. BRENNAN: It's a non-malignant bone tumor. I need the most recent bone scans from Max Kane's medical records. HODGINS: [Picks up phone that's ringing] Hodgins. [To Brennan] It's Booth. The locals just arrested Jesse Kane for attacking Karen Anderson. [Cut to Booth and Brennan driving in Booth's SUV] BOOTH: The local Sheriff's say Jesse Kane showed up at Karen Anderson's house to confront her. He was ranting about the murder of his dad. Eddie tried to throw him out. The two of them they exchanged punches. The fact that Jesse confronted him doesn't mean that he isn't the killer. BRENNAN: I know. BOOTH: Alright, you know what? He might have done this just to make us think that he was angry at her, alright? He's smart. BRENNAN: No poking and prodding, do you think Jesse murdered his father? BOOTH: You know Bones, all I'm saying is we get into these things, we look into murders, and we can't let our heart strings get all plucked. Okay? We got to poke at people wounds, we got to make them bleed a little, we got to make them tell us things that they normally wouldn't want to tell us. Alright? We got to be willing to be hard on them is what I'm trying to say, even when we know that we're no different then them. BRENNAN: You didn't answer my question. BOOTH: Well I have an opinion. You want to know? If I had to bet, I'd say he didn't do it. BRENNAN: Me too. BOOTH: I'm going off my gut. I mean what...what's persuading you? BRENNAN: The bone fragments at the golf course, they didn't come from Max Kane. BOOTH: That's great. You knew that when you asked me what I thought. You testing out my instincts, Bones? BRENNAN: Poking and prodding. I learned from the best. [Pinches his cheek and Booth laughs] [Cut to local police station holding room. Brennan is sitting across a table from Kane who is in handcuffs and a dark blue jump suit. Booth is standing in the corner of the room.] JESSE: It's not my dad? BOOTH: No. We don't know who it is yet. JESSE: How can you be certain? BRENNAN: We found a juxtacordical chondroma, a non-malignant bone tumor. Your father's x-rays showed no sign of such a tumor. JESSE: Maybe he got it after the x-rays? BRENNAN: The x-rays were taken two months before he disappeared. It's a slow growing tumor. It would have taken years to get to the size and density that we found. BOOTH: Look, I'm going to see if I can get this assault stuff to go away and get you out of here. BRENNAN: I'm sorry Jesse. JESSE: For what? Suspecting that I killed my own father? BRENNAN: No, I'm not sorry for that. I know what it's like not to know what happened. I know how painful that can be. And I'm sorry for you. [Cut to Medico Legal Lab with Booth leaning on a railing playing with a lighter] HODGINS: If the bones don't belong to Max Kane, who's our dead guy? BRENNAN: We can send out a description of the chondroma to area hospitals. See if it leads to any missing patients. BOOTH: Yeah, we can do that. [To Zack] List the pertinence. ZACK: Me? Are you talking directly to me? BOOTH: Yeah, you can tell because my eyes are looking at you. My mouth is aimed in your direction. ZACK: But what about our guy thing? If you're speaking to me, then does this mean I'm not on the team? BRENNAN: Zack, lets concentrate on the work. ZACK: Pertinence... BOOTH: Pertinence. ZACK: The victim died. We...we don't know how. He was then frozen, dismembered with a Heidal carving knife, and pushed through a black mantis 1200 wood chipper. ANGELA: The exact wood chipper you fed the frozen pig through. BOOTH: The exact wood chipper that Ray Sparks had access to. ZACK: But Ray Sparks was in jail. HODGINS: Sparks was in jail when Max Kane disappeared. BRENNAN: But our victim isn't Max Kane. ANGELA: Well who else would Ray Sparks have motive to kill? ZACK: The victim is a middle aged male... BOOTH: His brother. HODGINS: What motive? BOOTH: They both inherited the house. Okay, you guys, you look at that tumor and Brennan and I will go talk to Sparks. Come on. ZACK: While you're there, look for a large freezer. BOOTH: Why? ANGELA: The body was frozen. ZACK: Polyurethane is a common insulating liner in freezers. HODGINS: We found it under the victim's finger nail, like he was scratching to get out. [Cut to Spark's house. Booth and Brennan are in the basement looking for evidence] BRENNAN: [Looking into a chest freezer] The detectives who picked up Sparks say he claims his brother was alive and well the last time he saw him. BOOTH: Well, he might have been for about thirty minutes until he ran out of air in here. My guys found claw marks on the inner linings on both sides. BRENNAN: What kind of person could lock a living human being in a freezer? BOOTH: What is that? BRENNAN: That's a finger nail. BOOTH: His own brother. [Cut to Jesse's motel room. Jesse is packing up his things as Brennan appears at the open door] JESSE: Hey. BRENNAN: Booth got you out. JESSE: Twelve hundred bucks bail, I promised to stay away from Karen and Eddie. BRENNAN: I solved the case. I'm sorry it's not your father. We identified the victim. His name was Frank Sparks. I'm sorry I couldn't help you Jesse. JESSE: How do you live with it? BRENNAN: What, the disappearance of my parents? JESSE: The fact that nobody's looking. BRENNAN: I never thought about it that way until I met you. There's a Zen Koan, it says that if you want to find something, you have to stop looking. JESSE: I can't do that. My dad's watching and I don't want to disappoint him again. [Hugging Brennan] Even if you don't believe it, I know your parents are somewhere proud of what you do. BRENNAN: It's not rational but, I love the thought of that. [Cut to Wong Foo's. Booth is sitting at the bar with squints in a booth behind. Brennan enters and goes straight to Booth] BOOTH: How did Jesse take it? BRENNAN: Like an orphan. [Catching Booth's stare] What? BOOTH: [Chuckling] That's just, that's a little poetic for you. BRENNAN: I didn't mean it that way... I want to ask you another favor. BOOTH: Oh geez, another favor. BRENNAN: I wonder if you wouldn't mind taking a look at this. BOOTH: The file on your parents? Yeah okay. BRENNAN: Do you want to think about it? It's a pretty big favor. BOOTH: You'd do it for me. BRENNAN: Yeah I would. BOOTH: I'm proud you asked, Temperance. ZACK: [Interrupting] Ah, Dr. Brennan, Angela wants to know if we should order anything for you. BRENNAN: No, I'm not staying. Thanks Zack. ZACK: [To Booth] Guess we caught another one, right? [Booth ignores him.] All for one and one for all. BOOTH: [To Brennan] I'll take a look at this and see what they didn't give you and I'll get back to you. Okay? [Zack smiles and walks back to his table.] BRENNAN: You're back to ignoring Zack? BOOTH: Alright look, I know you don't approve but you know, it works for us; it worked for him so... BRENNAN: Yeah I get it and it, it's kind of sweet. BOOTH: Hey, you know, your people are my people. BRENNAN: What I have people? Hey, I have people. [Brennan smiles, gets up and leaves. While Look After You by The Fray plays, Booth opens the file and looks at a picture of Brennan's parents and a picture of Brennan as a little girl. Staring at it a slow smile spreads across his face] End.
Plan: A: Brennan; Q: Who discovers three small bone fragments that might have something to do with a missing man? A: a small jet; Q: What type of plane crashed in the episode? A: Chinese; Q: What nationality of diplomats were on the plane that crashed? A: one; Q: How many mystery female passengers were on the plane that crashed? A: three; Q: How many small bone fragments did Brennan find at the crash site? A: the plane; Q: Where did the bone fragments not come from? A: five years earlier; Q: When did the missing man go missing? A: the Chinese diplomat case; Q: What case does Dr. Goodman want the squints to focus on? A: the missing man's son; Q: Who is Jesse Kane? A: his missing father; Q: What is Jesse Kane convinced the bone fragments are from? A: a mysterious murder; Q: What do Brennan and the squints work to solve? A: a scheming younger woman; Q: Who is the murderer of the maintenance worker? A: a local maintenance worker; Q: Who was the second person involved in the murder? A: the dark; Q: What does Brennan keep Dr. Goodman in? A: his father's death; Q: What does Brennan think Jesse had something to do with? Summary: Brennan and Zack are called to the crash site of a small jet carrying Chinese diplomats and one mystery female passenger. At the scene, Brennan discovers three small bone fragments that didn't come from the plane and might have something to do with a local man who went missing five years earlier. After Dr. Goodman orders the squints to focus their efforts solely on the Chinese diplomat case, the missing man's son, Jesse Kane, shows up convinced the bone fragments are from his missing father. Brennan and the squints work to solve a mysterious murder involving a scheming younger woman and a local maintenance worker while keeping Goodman in the dark. As the forensic evidence mounts, Brennan must consider the possibility that Jesse had something to do with his father's death.
-[Fairy Tale World]- (The camera pans to show a castle, then a large forest. Prince Charming's carriage is traveling along a path through the forest. He sits with a woman.) Prince Charming: What do you think of the view, my dear? Abigail: I've seen better. This is taking forever. I told you the Troll Road would've been quicker. And far less bumpy. Are you even listening to me? Prince Charming: Yes, of course I am. Driver: Whoa, whoa! Abigail: Now what? (The carriage stops. The prince gets out to investigate, leaving behind a bag on the seat.) Prince Charming: Worry not - it's but a fallen tree. Fellas? Shall we? (Someone jumps on top of the carriage. Prince Charming looks at the base of the tree.) Guard: My Lord? What is it? Prince Charming: These markings. This tree didn't fall - it's been cut. It's an ambush. (The person on the carriage jumps down and takes the bag that the prince left in the carriage. The woman screams and Prince Charming rushes back.) Guards: Sir! Abigail: Guards! Stop, thief! Help me! (Prince Charming gets on a horse and chases after the thief. When he catches up to them, he tackles them to the ground.) Prince Charming: Show your face, you coward! You're...a girl. Snow White: Woman. (Snow White grabs a rock a hits Prince Charming in the face. She gets back onto her horse and rides off.) Prince Charming: You can't hide from me! Wherever you are, I will find you! -[Real World]- (Mary Margaret and Dr. Whale are on a date in Granny's Diner.) Dr. Whale: Um, where were we? Something about you wanting fifteen kids? MMB: No! Good lord, no. I meant in my class where I teach. You'll meet them tomorrow. They're coming to the hospital as part of the volunteer Outreach Program. Dr. Whale: Oh, yeah. That is a great program. MMB: I mean, obviously I don't want fifteen kids of my own. Um, I mean, not that I don't want kids. I do. I want kids, marriage, true love - I want it all. But that of course is... (Dr. Whale is ogling Ruby, who is clearing a table.) MMB: ...Wildly inappropriate for me to discuss on a first date. Dr. Whale: Hm? MMB: Ruby! Ruby: Yes, Mary Margaret? MMB: Cheque, please. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret is walking down the street. She comes across Emma, who is reading in her car.) MMB: Hey. You okay? Emma: Oh, in the world of tight spots I've been in, crashing in my car doesn't even rank in the top ten. MMB: You're sleeping here? Emma: Til I find a place. MMB: You decided to stay. For Henry. Emma: Yeah, I guess. This town doesn't seem to have any vacancies. None, actually. Is that normal? MMB: Must be the curse. Emma: Why are you out so late? MMB: Well, I'm a teacher, not a nun. I had a date. Emma: From the looks of things, it went well. MMB: As well as they ever do. Emma: Tell me he at least paid. MMB: Mm-mm. Emma: Ew. MMB: Well, guess if true love was easy, we'd all have it. You know, if things get cramped, I do have a spare room. Emma: Thanks. I'm not really the roommate type. It's just not my thing. I do better on my own. MMB: Well, goodnight. Good luck with Henry. Emma: Yeah... [SCENE_BREAK] (At the hospital, the kids from Mary Margaret's class are running around. Mary Margaret notices Henry in the room with John Doe. He's about to touch his face when Mary Margaret walks in.) MMB: Henry. We could really use your help with the decorations. Henry: Is Mr. Doe going to be okay, Miss Blanchard? MMB: His name's not John Doe, honey. That's just what they call people when they don't know who they are. Henry: Do you know who he is? MMB: Nope. Just bring him flowers on my rounds. Henry: What's wrong with him? MMB: I don't know. He's been like this as long as I've been volunteering. Henry: Does he have any family or friends? MMB: No one's claimed him. Henry: So, he's all alone. MMB: Yeah... It's quite sad. Henry: You sure you don't know him? MMB: Course I'm sure. Come on. You shouldn't be in here. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Henry are at Henry's 'castle'.) Henry: I found your father - Prince Charming. Emma: Henry... Henry: He's in the hospital, in a coma. See the scar? He has one, too. Emma: So? Lots of people have scars. Henry: In the same place? Don't you see what this means? The curse is keeping them apart with the coma. Now they're stuck without each other. We have to tell Miss Blanchard we found her Prince Charming. Emma: Okay, kid. Telling someone their soulmate is in a coma is probably not helpful. Not having a happy ending is painful enough, but giving someone unrealistic hope is far worse. Henry: But what if I'm right? We know who they are. Now they have to know. Emma: And how do you intend to make that happen? Henry: By reminding him. We have to get her to read their story to John Doe. Then, maybe, he'll remember who he is. Emma: Okay. Henry: Okay? Emma: Yeah, we'll do it. But we'll do it my way. Let me ask her. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret makes cocoa for herself and Emma. They sit and talk.) MMB: You want me to read to a coma patient? Emma: Henry thinks it will help him remember who he was. MMB: And, who does he think he was? Emma: Prince Charming. MMB: And if I'm Snow White, he thinks me...and him... Emma: He has a very active imagination, which is the point. I can't talk him out of his beliefs, so we need to show him. Play along, do what he says and maybe, just maybe. MMB: He'll see that fairy tales are just that. That there's no such thing as love at first sight or first kiss. He'll see reality. Emma: Something like that. MMB: Well, sadly this plan is rather genius. We get him to the truth without hurting him. Emma: I told him that we will all meet tomorrow for breakfast at Granny's. And you will give a full report. MMB: Well, I suppose I'll get ready for my date. I guess I'll have to do all the talking. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret sits with John Doe in his room. She has Henry's book.) MMB: Look, I know this is odd, but I'm doing it for a friend. So please, just bear with me. (Mary Margaret starts reading to John Doe. She reads the story about Snow White and Prince Charming. Near the end of the story, John Doe reaches out and grabs her hand.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret and Dr. Whale walk back into John Doe's room.) MMB: No, I'm sure he's waking up. He... He grabbed my hand. Dr. Whale: Everything's steady. The same as it's always been. What were you doing in here? MMB: Oh, I was just reading h-him a story. Dr. Whale: Oh. Well perhaps you, um, dozed off. Perhaps you imagined it. MMB: No, I didn't imagine anything. Dr. Whale: Miss Blanchard, I can only tell you what I see, which is nothing. Sometimes there are minor fluctuations in readings. Perhaps you heard the machine register something and misunderstood? Look, why don't you go home, get some rest. If anything changes, I'll call you, okay? (Mary Margaret leaves. Dr. Whale calls someone.) Regina: Yes? Dr. Whale: It's Dr. Whale. You told me to call you if there was ever a change in a John Doe. Something's happened. Regina: What? Dr. Whale: One of our volunteers said he grabbed her. And there was a slight fluctuation in brain activity. Regina: And who was this volunteer? Dr. Whale: Mary Margaret Blanchard. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret sits on her bed, flipping through the book. The illustration of Snow White zooms into the fairy tale world.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (Snow White gathers various things and puts them into a bag. Also, she puts a necklace with a bottle around her neck. She slings the bag over her shoulder and heads outside. She walks a short distance and is caught in a net. Prince Charming comes out of hiding, laughing.) Prince Charming: I told you I'd find you. No matter what you do, I will always find you. Snow White: Is this the only way you can catch a woman? By entrapping her? Prince Charming: It's the only way to catch thieving scum. Snow White: Aren't you a real 'prince charming'. Prince Charming: I have a name, you know. Snow White: Don't care. Charming suits you. Now cut me down, Charming. Prince Charming: I'll release you, when you return the leather pouch you stole with my jewels. Snow White: Not the jewelry type. Prince Charming: Indeed. I noticed. Snow White: What is that supposed to mean? Are you insulting me? Prince Charming: No, quite right. My apologies. How dare I cast aspersions at the person who robbed me? Where are my jewels? Snow White: I sold them. Prince Charming: What? Snow White: what do you care? Don't you have a palace full of treasures somewhere? Prince Charming: These were special. Among them was a ring that belonged to my mother. A ring I was about to give- Snow White: The nag with the bad attitude? That's what this is about? Prince Charming: She's my fiancée. Snow White: Good luck with that. You must be getting something impressive to have agreed to that union. Prince Charming: Excuse me? Snow White: I know how this works. True love? It doesn't exist. It's all arranged marriages and business transactions. There's no such thing as love at first sight or first kiss. Let me guess - her kingdom wants to take over yours and this is, what, a last ditch effort to avoid war? Prince Charming: This is not a takeover. It's a merger, and quite frankly, it's none of your business. Now, this is what's going to happen. Snow White: Mmhmm? Prince Charming: I'm going to cut you down and you will take me to whoever has my jewels and then, you're going to get my ring back. Snow White: Mm-mm. Why would I do that? Prince Charming: Because you don't want me to tell anyone who you really are. (The prince takes out a piece of paper. It's a wanted poster for Snow White.) Prince Charming: Snow White. Help me get my ring back, or I turn you over to the Queen's forces. And I have a feeling the Queen's not as 'charming' as I am. Snow White: Well, I wouldn't want to stand in the way of your getting true love. (The prince cuts Snow White down.) -[Real World]- (Henry and Emma are sitting in Granny's diner. Emma has just changed her shirt.) Emma: Thanks for the shirt. Hey, is this your mother's? Henry: She'll never notice. Emma: Where does she think you are, anyway? Henry: Playing Whac-A-Mole. Emma: And she bought that? Henry: She wants to believe it, so she does. Emma: Oh, imagine that. (Mary Margaret enters the diner.) Henry: She's here. Emma: Hey, don't get your hopes up. We're just getting started, okay? MMB: He woke up. Emma: What? Henry: I knew it. MMB: I mean, he didn't 'wake up' wake up, but he grabbed my hand. Henry: He's remembering! Emma: What did the doctor say? MMB: That I imagined it, but I'm not crazy. I know it happened. Henry: We have to go back. You have to read to him again. MMB: Let's go. Emma: Wait, wait what? MMB: If I got through to him, if we made a connection Emma: You don't believe... MBB: That he's Prince Charming? Of course not. Somehow, some way, I touched him. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Henry, and Mary Margaret arrive at the hospital.) Henry: You're right - he's waking up. Graham: Henry, you should stay back. MMB: What's going on? Is it John Doe? Is he okay? Graham: He's missing. (The three notice that Regina is in John Doe's room. Regina sees them, and approaches them.) Regina: What the hell are you doing here? And you - I thought you were at the arcade. Now you're lying to me? MMB: What happened to John Doe? Did someone take him? Graham: We don't know yet. His IVs were ripped out but there's no sign for sure there's a struggle. Henry: What did you do? Regina: You think I had something to do with this? Emma: It is curious that the Mayor is here. Regina: I'm here because I'm his emergency contact. MMB: You know him? Regina: I found him. On the side of the road years ago with no ID. I brought him here. Dr. Whale: Mayor Mills saved his life. MMB: Will he be okay? Dr. Whale: Okay? The man's been on feeding tubes for years on constant supervision. He needs to get back here right away or, quite honestly, 'okay' might be a pipe dream. Emma: Well then, let's quit yapping and start looking. Regina: That's what we're doing? Just stay out of this, dear. And since I clearly can't keep you away from my son, I guess I'm just going to have to keep my son away from you. Enjoy my shirt, because that's all you're getting. Sheriff, find John Doe. You heard Dr. Whale. Time is precious. (Regina and Henry leave.) Graham: Doctor, how long between your rounds since you last saw him? Dr. Whale: Twelve hours or so. Graham: Then that's what we need to account for. [SCENE_BREAK] (Everyone heads to the security room. Walter and Leroy are both there.) Graham: You two were the only employees on the floor last night. And you saw nothing. Walter: Not a thing. Emma: Did anyone walk by? Leroy: I didn't see nothin'. Graham: Miss Blanchard, was there anything unusual you saw during your trip with your class? MMB: I don't think so. Emma: We're looking at the wrong tape. This is the ward where Henry's class put up decorations. If this was really the tape from last night, we'd see the banners the kids hung. Leroy: Tch, you fell asleep again. Walter: You selling me out? Leroy: I ain't getting fired for this. Walter: At least I don't drink on the job. Graham: Gentlemen, enough. Where's the real tape? (The tape is switched. They see John Doe get up and walk out the door.) MMB: He walked out alone. He's okay. Emma: Four hours ago. Where does this door lead? Leroy: The woods. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Prince Charming and Snow White are traveling through the forest.) Prince Charming: I thought you weren't the jewelry type. What's that around your neck? Snow White: Don't worry about it. (The prince takes the necklace from Snow White's neck.) Snow White: Careful! It's a weapon. Prince Charming: Dust? What kind of weapon is dust? Snow White: Fairy dust. Prince Charming: I thought that was a good thing? Snow White: When it comes from a good fairy. This stuff? Is deadly. It transforms the most fearsome of adversaries into a form that's easily squashed. Prince Charming: Then why didn't you use it on me? Snow White: Cause you're not worth it. It's very hard to come by. I'm saving it for a special someone. Prince Charming: Ah, the Queen. You got a lot of anger there, don't you, Snow? Snow White: The charges on her posters are lies. It didn't stop her from sending her huntsman to rip out my heart. Prince Charming: What happened? Snow White: Well, not everyone is a soulless royal. He took pity on me and let me go. I've been hiding in the forest ever since. Trying to amass enough fortune to leave this place. Escape to another realm. Somewhere isolated. Where I can never be hurt. Prince Charming: Sounds lonely. Snow White: No lonelier than an arranged marriage. Prince Charming: At least I don't prey on the innocent. Snow White: Up until now, I've only ever stolen from the Queen. I thought your carriage was one of hers. No one else ever uses that road. Prince Charming: I took the scenic route. Snow White: Well, lucky for me. All I'm doing, Charming, is what it takes to survive. She wants me dead. Prince Charming: So, what did you do to incur that much wrath? Snow White: She blames me for ruining her life. Prince Charming: Did you? Snow White: Yes. (They continue on until they come to a river.) Snow White: I'm thirsty. May I? Prince Charming: Sure. Make it quick. (They both take a drink from the river. While Prince Charming has his back turned, Snow White hits him and then pushes him into the river. She digs through the bag to find the pouch. Snow White runs back into the forest until she gets to the road. There, she encounters the Evil Queen's guards. They surround her.) Guard: Huh. Look who we found. There's nowhere to hide. The Queen wants your heart. And we're not going to disappoint her. -[Real World]- (Emma, Graham and Mary Margaret are in the woods searching for John Doe.) Emma: What is it? Graham: The trail runs out here. Emma: You sure? Because I thought tracking was one of your skills. Graham: Just give me a second. This is my world. I got it. Emma: Right. Sorry. MMB: What does he mean, 'His world'? Isn't finding people your thing, too? Emma: Sure. Just, people I find usually run places like Vegas. Not a lot hit the woods. MMB: That's an interesting job - finding people. How'd you fall into it? Emma: Looking for people is just what I've done. As long as I can remember. MMB: What made you start? Your parents? Henry told me that your... Th-that you were from a similar situation to his own. Did you ever find them? Emma: Depends who you ask. (They hear a crack behind them. They turn around as Henry runs down a hill.) MMB: Henry! Henry: Did you find him yet? Emma: No, not yet. You shouldn't be here. Henry: I can help. I know where he's going. MMB: And where's that? Henry: He's looking for you. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Snow White is slammed against a tree by a guard. Another guard takes out a dagger and approaches her.) Guard: Hold her still. (The guard raises the dagger above Snow White's chest, but is suddenly hit a knife from behind and collapses. Prince Charming emerges from behind a tree and begins a fight with the other guard. Snow White runs towards the fallen guard's horse, which has a weapon, but she is grabbed by another guard on horseback. The prince defeats the guard he was fighting, then notices the retreating guard and Snow White. He takes a bow and an arrow and shoots the guard off the horse.) Prince Charming: Are you alright? Snow White: You... You saved me. Prince Charming: Seemed like the honourable thing to do. Are you ready? Snow White: For what? Prince Charming: My jewels. Snow White: Right, you've got a wedding to get to. The trolls I sold them to are just beyond the next ridge. We need to be careful. Prince Charming: What? Of trolls? Snow White: You've clearly never met one. Prince Charming: Aren't they just little people? Snow White: You're thinking of dwarves. Show a little respect. They'll cut your hand off sooner than they'll shake it. Prince Charming: Well, then let's get this over with. Snow White: Yes, we've both got places to be. So, let's go. Prince Charming: You have your lonely little corner of solitude to find? Snow White: And you have a ringless fiancée to appease. -[Real World]- (Emma, Graham, Mary Margaret and Henry and still searching for John Doe.) Henry: You're the one who woke him up. You're the last one he saw. He wants to find you! MMB: Henry, it's not about me. I just... I think he's lost and confused. He's been in a coma a long time. Henry: But he loves you! You need to stop chasing him, and let him find you. Emma: Kid. You need to go home. Where's your mom? She's going to kill me and then you...and then me again. Henry: She dropped me at the house. Then, went right out. Emma: Well, we need to get you back immediately. Henry: No! Graham: Guys! (John Doe's bloody hospital bracelet is found on the ground.) MMB: Is that... Emma: Blood. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Prince Charming and Snow White come to a bridge on horseback. They get off, and Snow White sends the horse away.) Snow White: Trolls don't like horses. We walk from here. Follow me and keep quiet. Prince Charming: Where are they? Snow White: Oh, they're here. (Snow White leaves a pile of gold coins on the edge of the bridge. Several trolls then climb up the side of the bridge and confront her and the prince.) Snow White: It's fine. I know them. Troll: Why're you here? I thought we were done. Snow White: I want to make another trade. Troll: I'm not talking in front of him. Who is this guy? Snow White: No, he's with me. Troll: Oh, that's good. With you. That makes it all fine. Snow White: He's no one. Look, I want to buy back the jewels I sold you. Troll: Who is he? Snow White: I said don't worry about it. Look, I'll give you back all your money. Just give me the ring. You can keep everything else. (Another troll takes out the pouch and goes to give it to the prince.) Prince Charming: Thank you. We appreciate the help. Troll: He's too eager. This is a setup. Snow White: It's not! Troll: He's a royal! (The troll grabs Snow White. Prince Charming draws his sword.) Prince Charming: Let her go! Snow White: No! You can trust me. Look, you can trust me. If I wanted to set you up, I would have done it the first time. Troll: The time for dealing is done. Seize him! (The trolls check Prince Charming's bag and pat him down. They take the necklace of fairy dust and throw it aside. They find the wanted poster for Snow White.) Troll: Snow White. Quite a reward. Take her. (The prince picks his sword off the ground and attacks the trolls. Snow White gets away.) Prince Charming: Go! I'm right behind you. (Snow White runs, but grabs the fairy dust on the way. Prince Charming fights off the trolls and manages to kick one off the bridge. A troll trips the prince and the others drag him back. Snow White is running through the forest.) Snow White: Follow me! They don't know the forest like I do. (She realizes that the trolls have the prince. They are about to kill Prince Charming.) Troll: Royal blood is the sweetest of all. (Snow White uses the fairy dust to transform the trolls into bugs.) Prince Charming: You... You saved me. Snow White: It's the honourable thing to do. Prince Charming: What about your special someone? Snow White: I'll think of something else. Prince Charming: Thank you. Snow White: Anyway, how could I let Prince Charming die? Prince Charming: I told you - I have a name. It's James. Snow White: It's nice to meet you, James. We should go. There may be more of them coming. -[Real World]- (The four are still searching the woods. They come to the Toll Bridge.) MMB: Where is he? Can you see him? Graham: The trail dies at the water line. (They spot John Doe lying in the water.) MMB: Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Graham: I need an ambulance! At the old Toll Bridge, as soon as possible. (Emma, Graham and Mary Margaret drag John Doe to the shore.) MMB: No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no! I found you! Emma: It's going to be okay. Graham: Help's coming. Henry: Is he okay? Emma: Henry... Henry: Is he going to be okay? Emma: Henry, don't look. Okay? Don't look. MMB: Come back to us. Come back to me. (Mary Margaret starts CPR. When she puts her mouth on his, he starts breathing again and coughs up water.) John Doe: You saved me. Henry: She did it. She did it! She woke him up. Emma: Yeah, kid. She did. John Doe: Thank you. MMB: Who are you? John Doe: I don't know. MMB: It's okay. You're going to be okay. [SCENE_BREAK] (John Doe is brought in. Everyone is back at the hospital.) Nurse: Watch your back. Coming through! Dr. Whale: We got it from here. (The four watch through the glass as he is being treated by doctors. Kathryn, his wife, bursts into the room where John Doe is being treated and rushes to his side.) Kathryn: David! David, is that you? Dr. Whale: Excuse me, ma'am? Kathryn: Oh my god... Dr. Whale: Ma'am, you can't be in here. Please, you can't be here right now. Kathryn: David... Dr. Whale: You can't be here, ma'am. Can you wait over here for a second, okay? MMB: Who is that? (Regina walks up behind them.) Regina: His wife. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Snow White and Prince Charming are walking through the forest.) Prince Charming: So... Well, you probably want this. Snow White: Right, the gold. Thank you. And, um, you can't get married without this. (She gives him back the pouch with his jewels and the ring. He takes out the ring.) Prince Charming: Ah. I know - not your style. Snow White: Well, there's only one way to find out. (Snow White tries on the ring.) Snow White: Yeah, not me at all. I'm sure your fiancée will love it. (She gives the ring back.) Prince Charming: Yeah. Yeah, if you need more, you can have the rest. The ring is all I require. Snow White: Oh, no. I'm good, thanks. We both got what we wanted. Prince Charming: Well, wherever you're going, be careful. If... If you need anything- Snow White: You'll find me. Prince Charming: Always. Snow White: I almost believe that. Prince Charming: Well, goodbye, Snow White. Snow White: Goodbye, Prince Charming. Prince Charming: I told you - it's James. Snow White: Nah, still like Charming better. (Snow White and Prince Charming part ways.) -[Real World]- (At the hospital, Kathryn and David are in the room together. Emma, Regina, Henry and Mary Margaret and outside David's room.) Regina: His name is David Nolan. And that's his wife, Kathryn. And the joy on her face, well, it's put me in quite the forgiving mood. We'll talk about your insubordination later. Do you know what insubordination means? It means you're grounded. (Kathryn exits David's room.) Kathryn: Thank you. Thank you for finding my David. MMB: Um, I-I don't understand. You didn't... You didn't know that he was here in a coma? Kathryn: A few years ago, David and I were not getting along. It was my fault, I know that now. I was difficult and unsupportive. I told him if he didn't like things, he could leave. And he did. And I didn't stop him. It was the worst mistake I ever made. Emma: You didn't go look for him? Kathryn: I assumed he'd left town all this time. And now I know why I never heard from him. Now I get to do what I've wanted to do forever - say I'm sorry. Now we get a second chance. MMB: That's wonderful. (Dr. Whale enters.) Dr. Whale: Well, it's something of a miracle. Kathryn: He's okay? Dr. Whale: Ah, physically, he's on the mend, um, his memory is another issue. It may take time, if at all. MMB: What brought him back? Dr. Whale: That's the thing. There's no explanation. Something just clicked in him. Emma: He just got up and decided to go for a stroll? Dr. Whale: He woke up and he was delirious and his first instinct was to go find something, I guess. Henry: Someone. Kathryn: Can I see him? Dr. Whale: Yeah, of course. (Kathryn goes back into David's room.) Regina: Henry, let's go. Henry: Wait, my backpack. (Henry goes back to grab his backpack and whispers to Mary Margaret.) Henry: Don't believe them. You're the one he was looking for. MMB: Henry... Henry: He was going to the Troll Bridge. It's like the end of the story. MMB: Henry, he was going there because it's the last thing I read to him. Henry: No, it's because you belong together. Regina: Henry. (Regina and Henry leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma catches up to Regina and Henry, who are leaving the entrance of the hospital.) Emma: Madam Mayor! Regina: Wait by the car. (Henry leaves the two alone.) Regina: Miss Swan, I let you off the hook back there. Don't press it. Emma: I'm sorry, but Mrs. Nolan? Kind of feels like her story could be a load of crap. All this time, there's a John Doe lying around in a coma and nobody puts it in the news, nobody goes looking. Something's not right here. Regina: Well, what else would make sense to you? Why would Miss Nolan lie? Do you think I cast a spell on her? Emma: I think it's rather strange you've been his emergency contact all these years and you only found her now. Regina: Well, this town is bigger than you know. It's entirely possible to get lost here. It's entirely possible for bad things to happen. Emma: And just when it's convenient you manage to solve the mystery? Regina: Thanks to you. That tape you found was a stroke of genius. So, we went back and looked at past tapes. Turns out Mr. Doe's been talking in his sleep. He's been calling out for a Kathryn. After that, it wasn't hard to put the pieces together. And here I thought you and Mary Margaret would be pleased. True love won out. So bask in the moment, dear. Were it not for you two, they would have lived their lives completely alone. That's why I'm willing to forgive your incessant rudeness. Because all this has reminded me of something oh-so very important. How grateful I am to have Henry. Because not having someone? Well, that's the worst curse imaginable. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret watches David and Kathryn hug in his room. She looks down to her hand and fiddles with her ring - the same ring that Prince Charming was going to give to his fiancée. Mary Margaret is sitting at home. There's a knock on the door.) MMB: Emma. Emma: Sorry to bother you so late. Is that spare room still available? (Mary Margaret nods and lets Emma in.) -[End]-
Plan: A: Emma convinces Mary Margaret; Q: Who convinces Mary Margaret to visit John Doe? A: John Doe; Q: Who is comatose in the hospital? A: the storybook; Q: What did Mary Margaret read to John Doe? A: the outcome; Q: What is Mary Margaret stunned at after visiting John Doe? A: the fairytale world; Q: Where does Prince Charming meet Snow White? A: Prince Charming; Q: Who meets Snow White for the first time? A: a most unexpected way; Q: How does Prince Charming meet Snow White? Summary: At Henry's urging, Emma convinces Mary Margaret to pay a visit to a comatose John Doe in the hospital and to read to him from the storybook. But Mary Margaret is stunned at the outcome of her visit. Meanwhile, back in the fairytale world, Prince Charming meets Snow White for the first time in a most unexpected way.
Dwight: [driving past a line of Mexican men looking for work] Hola, hola. Necesito une bueno worker. Tu esporte! Come on! [man walks away] Que? QUE? [SCENE_BREAK] Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish] Son: We don't go with that man. I've seen several men go with that man and not come back. Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish] Son: We've lost friends. Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish] Son: We don't know what he does with them. Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish] Son: I don't want to talk about it anymore. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I pick up day laborers and tell them they'll get paid at six p.m. At five forty five, a certain INS agent by the name of Mose Schrute throws them in the back of a van, drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg and tells them it's Canada. [SCENE_BREAK] Nate: Hola amigo. Dwight: Hola, tu es une buena worker? Nate: Si, yo muy bueno worker. Dwight: Y el accento, donde are you from? Nate: Scranton, y before that La Philadelphia. Dwight: You speak English? Nate: Yes, I'm really good at English. Dwight: Ok, good. Me too, get in the car. Nate: [quietly] Okay. Dwight: [nods to camera] [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: [seeing the worker Dwight picked up in the parking lot] Who's this guy by our cars? Dwight: That is my new maintenance worker, Nate. And you'll be happy to know that he's taking care of that hornet's nest that you've been griping about. Phyllis: Yeah, I got stung up my dress. Dwight: Poor hornet. Dwight: [looking outside through the window] I left him all the tools he needs. This is do or die. If he chooses correctly he'll conquer the hornets... Ryan: But if he doesn't? Dwight: He'll die. Kelly: What? Andy: Uhh, beg your pardon? Dwight: When did the phrase do or die become so corrupted? Nate: [picks up blowtorch] Kelly: Is that a blow torch?! Pam: No. No no no! [nos coming from all employees] Dwight: Interesting choice... Pam: [Nate starts walking away from hornet's nest, puts down the blowtorch] Yes! Andy: Very very smart. Pam: Yeah, go away. [Kelly nodding] Nate: [picks up baseball bat, heads towards hornet's nest] Employees except Dwight: No! No no! Dwight: A bat! Impressive... Andy: Oh it's stinging him! Ow! Ow! [yelling all around the office] [SCENE_BREAK] Michel: [walks into the office with a large, fake mustache on] Good morning Erin, any mustaches? I mean messages? Erin: [giggles] Terrific! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work. [spinning in chair] He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves... other things as well. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: [seeing a large red spot on Michael's lip] God! Wow! Michael: [shying away] Look, [sighs] It's a pimple Phyllis. Avrile Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive. Phyllis: That's no pimple Michael. Michael: You mean cancer? Pam: What? No! Wait, no. Definitely not cancer. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: It's just good to stop a Michael train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's just a cold sore. Michael: It is? Meredith: Yup, just a cold sore. Michael: Just a cold sore, thank you. Phyllis, I don't have acne. I have a cold sore. I don't even have a cold. I don't know how I got it. Kevin: I know how you got it. [smug expression on his face] Michael: How? Kevin: Michael come on. A cold sore is herpes. Michael: What? Pam: Wait! What you should do, Michael, is have a doctor take a look at it. Because we really don't know what that is. Meredith: I know tons and tons of people who have herpes. I have it myself. That's what it is. Kevin: I never seen herpes on you. Meredith: Because it's on my genitals, genius. Kevin: You have a pen1s? Andy: Michael, have you ever been tested for STDs? Michael: Yeah! My last physical when I was forty. Jim: That was like, ten years ago. Michael: No! It was like four years ago! Kevin: Michael, you're at least forty six! Michael: Why at least? If you're guessing forty six just say forty six. [later in his office, places a band-aid over his cold sore] [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Can we please talk about how gross Meredith is? Angela: This is what you get when you treat your body like an outhouse. Andy: You know what guys, why don't we just chill out on this herp-chat. Ok? I was an REA in college and I can tell you, number one sexually transmitted disease is ignorance. Kelly: I guess maybe you should go marry a meth dealer with crabs. Oscar: I don't even wanna know these things! Meredith: [walking in] Hey guys! [Angela leaves the table, exhales as she exits the room] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: How did this happen, how did I get this? Dwight: Some eggs can rely dormant in a woman for years, they may not even know they have it. Michael: You know what, I feel like one of those old timey sailors. With the eye patch. [in pirate voice] It's me own damn fault. Woman in every port. Dwight: What port? The Jan port. The Holly Por... Michael: Don't even! Holly was clean! Okay? If anything I gave it to her. Dwight: You may have... Michael: Oh my God! What if I did? Dwight: You need to contact Holly! You need to notify her, that she is crawling with herpes. Michael: Okay! You know what? Might! Might be crawling with herpes. I might have gotten it after her. Dwight: You need to contact every woman you've been with, and notify them of your herpes infestation. It's the right thing to do. Michael: There's no way I'm gonna do that. Dwight: Then I will. Michael: [makes grunt in attempt to stop Dwight. Dwight hangs up] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: No, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I'm no doctor. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge. [SCENE_BREAK] Donna: [on phone] Hello? Michael: Hi Donna. It's Michael. Donna: Michael, I didn't think I'd here from you. How have you been? Michael: I have a disease, for which there is no known cure, that has been sexually transmitted to me. Donna: Oh no. Michael: I can't even say it. H-I... Donna: Oh my God. Michael: ...R-P-E-E-S Donna: Wait, you're calling to tell me that you have herpes? Michael: No, I am calling to see if you gave me herpes. Because if you did I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations. So you have it right? Donna: Ummm, no. Michael: Does your stupid husband have it? Donna: No! He doesn't. Are you telling me I have to get tested? Michael: Yes I am telling you you have to get tested for herpes. Good-bye! Dwight: So long Donna! [Michael hangs up] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Excuse me everyone, can I have your attention please? Stanley: Not again... Andy: What do you mean again? Stanley: You're always asking for our attention. Andy: Maybe like a year ago... Stanley: Seems recent. Andy: No, that's... Oscar: Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone's attention, and it seems like you've done it on several occasions. Andy: Everyone, I've noticed that we have not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices. Phyllis: Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention. Stanley: [agreement around the office] That's what I was thinking, you kept announcing scores. Andy: It's the world's only international sport! [sits down] [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: [on phone] This is Holly. Michael: No this is Holly. Holly: No this is Holly. Michael: No this is Holly. Holly: No, this is Michael Scott. Michael: Busted. So what can I do for you Holly. Holly: I am calling because, there's a terrible crash! Michael: Oh really? Was anyone killed? Holly: A lot of people. Michael: Any nuns? Holly: Three nuns, [Michael laughs] from a Missionary in South Africa. Michael: [Dwight looks confused to the camera] Were they in the missionary position? [Holly laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [singing] Ba na na na na. Hot pizza, check it and see. Ba na na na. Got a whole bunch of pepperoni. Ba na na na na. [stops singing] Yeah, now you're looking at me. Anyone who's interested in entering into an honest discussion about the sexual mores and taboos of modern society will be rewarded with a pizza break. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [still on phone with Holly] Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you hadn't been transferred? Holly: Yeah. Michael: We would have twins. [Dwight points towards the corner of his lip, indicating Michael's "herpes"] Holly: I don't think we'd have kids. Michael: Mmhmm! Holly: It was just for a few weeks! Michael: Mhhmm! We would be married. Holly: [sternly] Michael, I have been dating A.J. for a year and a half now. You do this you know. Michael: Do what? Holly: You romanticize things. Michael: I don't romanticize th- [Dwight nodding and mouthing 'Yes you do'] No... Holly: Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up. Michael: He had no arms or legs, he couldn't hear see, or speak... This is how he let a nation. Holly: You made ourselves to be more than we were. Michael: We were more than we were. Holly: I don't know what you're getting so upset about, we had to break up a long time ago, it was a good memory. Michael: Ok, alright I gotta go. Holly: Michael... [Michael hangs up] Dwight: [to the camera] He forgot to mention the herpes. Michael: It didn't come up organically. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: [to a client] ...to accommodate the, uh, suppliers. [Seeing Michael and Dwight] Gentlemen! Nice to see you, it'll be just a moment. If you could show them into Conference Room B. [to client again] The pharmaceutical aspects should be able to... [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: How do I do it? Raise my daughter, work as director of office purchasing for this hospital and release an album of Dorris Day covers on my own label? If I knew I'd tell you. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: It's nice to see you doing so well. Jan: Yeah I'm really happy. Me and Astrid against the world. [laughs] We're loving it, yeah. I'm kind of a supermom. Michael: Bringing home the bacon. Jan: Yeah. [singing] Fry it up in a pan. Never never never let you forget... [laughs] I love that commercial. Dwight: I don't understand the reference. Jan: Well, Michael, it was nice to get your call. Dwight: We had to come over right away, it's urgent. Michael has something to tell you. [Michael shushes him] Jan: Are you gonna keep me in suspense? [Michael sighs] Michael: [after long wait, to Dwight] Would you excuse us... Dwight: Ok I'm gonna head outta here, I know you have a lot to talk about. Ok, is there a, an operating theater that's open to visitors? Never mind I'll find it. Michael: He hasn't changed. Jan: No, so what couldn't wait? Michael: Am I the kind of person to misremember our relationship as more than it ever was? Jan: Michael Scott, you are here for a post mortem. Michael: What? Jan: You wanna dig into our relationship, go over it, see what killed it. Ok, I'm in. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: So, guys. I've been really bothered by the way certain people are getting treated around here, and I just think as an office we're better than that. Ok, now I'm going to show you a picture of genitalia. [grossed our remarks from around the office as Andy holds p a picture of a nude man] Erin: Andy... Andy: What, is it because he's black? Jim: Nope, it's because it's genitalia. Andy: Perfectly normal genitalia Tuna. Now I'm going to show you another picture of perfectly normal genitalia. [Kevin is grossed out immediately. The office is grossed out] Jim: Am I blocking anybody? Can everybody see? Andy: It's normal! Big deal! Yeah sure it has some herpes on it, but you know what? It's just as normal as anyone else's. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: No! In the beginning we were not good. Michael: Well, there was a little bit of a learning curve in the conversation department, but between the sheets we were like Jordan and Pippin! Jan: Well if there's anything exciting about it it's because we both knew it was wrong! Michael: Because we work together. Jan: No, ok. Imagine there's a princess, who falls for a guy beneath her station, and the queen doesn't like this at all. And the princess knows that the queen doesn't like it so it just makes her wanna do it all the more just to get at the queen! Michael: Am I the princess? Jan: No I'm the princess, and the queen. Michael: [sighs] Ok, so I'm the guy at the station. Astrid: Mommy! Jan: Assy! Awwhhh how was school? Astrid: It was cool. Jan: [singing] What did you learn? Astrid: What did I learn? Jan: You might have learned shapes, or blocks, or clocks, or colors. Or you might have learned that we're all, sisters and brothers. Michael: I have herpes. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I used to think that she was the one. Or at least A the one. And if I called that one so wrong... [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Herpes, like all STDS, is a consequence of s*x. Can anyone else name any other consequences? Kevin: It feels unbelievable! Andy: [writing on board] Ok I guess I can make a pros column. Feels... Kevin: ...unbelievable. Phyllis: The ability to express love physically. It's a magical thing. Andy: Express love, magical. Kevin: It feels amazing! Andy: Umm, ok is that different from feels unbelievable? Kevin: Yes. Andy: Then I will write it down. Creed: The feeling of pure risk. Andy: I actually had that down in the cons column, but... Creed: It's thrilling. Andy: Ok, umm. I'll move that. Thrill of risk. Erin: Andy, aren't there also negatives to s*x? Andy: Yes! Thank you! Such as? Erin: Unplanned pregnancy. Andy: Yes, unplanned pregnancy. Kelly: Like Jim and Pam, say whaaat? Kevin: Just admit that your baby was a mistake. Pam: Hey! Our baby was not a mistake. She was a surprise. Jim: Good! Darryl: I'm sure they don't regret having their child, let's move it to the pros. Jim and Pam: Thank you! Andy: Ok, unplanned pregnancy, going in the pros column. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Next stop is Helene. You're gonna wanna make a left on Willow, which is a little ways away, uh. I'll remind you. Michael: You know, I don't know if I trust Jan's judgment. She... Dwight: Jan knows paper. Michael: No, I'm not talking about paper. Relationships, they have the ability to point out if the man is making a bigger deal out of something that is really there. Dwight: Wait, what Holly said? Michael: Yes, I don't... Dwight: Forget it Michael! Today is about herpes. Michael: I know, I know. Dwight: Who gave it to you, who has it, and who is going to pay. Michael: Got it. Dwight: TO answer your question about Jan, no. Jan is insane. Why do you think I got- LEFT, WILLOW NOW! Michael: I'M TRYING! GOD! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [walks into park with Dwight] Hi stranger! Long time! Old Woman: Who are you? Michael: I'm Michael. We dated for a while. Old Woman: I don't think so... Helene: Michael? Michael: Oh hey! Dwight, would you take my grandmother for a walk while I talk to Helene? Dwight: Come on old lady. Let's go. Old Woman: What is happening? [Dwight shushes her] Dwight: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Who can tell me what the safest form of s*x is? Darryl: Condoms. Andy: Incorrect, the only true form of safe s*x, ok? Abstinence. Darryl: Ohh. Ok. I didn't realize we were doing trick questions. What's the safest way to go skiing? Don't ski! [office laughs] Andy: I just thought I'd bring it up in case someone in here was practicing abstinence. That's all. Anybody? Pam: Andy that's way too personal of a question. Andy: Well someone could answer if they want to. [looks at Erin hopefully] Ok, in that case I will now show you how to put this condom on... using this pencil. [Stanley laughs] Andy: What? Oscar: Why would you choose a pencil Andy? Andy: Well I'm not gonna use my pen1s, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway. Meredith: Come on, give it a rest pencil dick. Andy: I'm doing this for you Meredith! Meredith: I didn't want you it! Andy: Well did you h- di- GAH! Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now?! [throws pizza box at painting and leaves] [SCENE_BREAK] Helene: It'll go away in time just don't touch it. Michael: Did I make more of what we had then what was really there? Helene: What did you think we were? Michael: Just a quirky indie movie weird sort of thing, breaking all the rules. But had to end, because the summer was over. For you... Helene: I think for you to have come here even expecting that we can have a conversation like this show's ho-how self deluded you are! Michael, your memory has failed you greatly. Michael: Jerk. [walks off] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Michael! [attempting to get out of the car on the side in which Michael parked too close to a bush. Michael ignores him and walks into a building.] Carroll: So this is the chef's kitchen, which makes it perfect for real entertainers. Michael: Real entertainers, like Billy Joel. Carroll: Michael. Michael: Carroll, how are you? Carroll: I'm great! How are you? Michael: I'm great! I saw your-your sign outside. And I decided, I'm going to pull in, and maybe buy a house from her. Carroll: You didn't call my office and ask where I was? Michael: No. Carroll: Because the receptionist told me a man called but he only said he was my ex-lover. Michael: Weird... Carroll: Yeah. Michael: He sounds like a nice guy. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I don't know, I mean people were being really mean to Meredith. Gabe: This wasn't really about Meredith was it. You and Erin are broken up. Andy: How is that relevant to anything? Gabe: I asked you if it was ok if I asked her out. You said, and I quote, 'My good sir! Nothing would make me happier than to hand you the hand of the hand once in my hand.' I specifically remember it because you said it in such a weird way. Andy: The only reason I said that is because you asked me so politely! It was very difficult for me to say no. Gabe: I'll let this slide, but I expect you to put this whole Erin thing behind you. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh wow another living room! Carroll: It's a family room. Michael: You put the TV here, you put the family over here. Carroll: Michael why are you here? Michael: Someone told me that I romanticize relationships Carroll: You know, we all do that. Michael: I have herpes. Carroll: What? Did you have that while we were together? Michael: I just found out today. It's, uh, right there. Carroll: Oh! Oh, that's what you're talking about? Michael: Mmhmm, I'm sorry. Carroll: Did the doctor check it out? Michael: I'm between specialists right now. Carroll: Yes, yes Michael. Actually you do make a bigger deal out of things than you need to. You proposed to me on our fourth date. Michael: Well I believe in love at first sight. Carrol: Well so do I, but we didn't love each other at first either. I don't know what you were thinking! Michael: I knew what I was thinking at the time, but right now it just seems ridiculous. Dwight: [walking downstairs] Excuse me, someone died in the upstairs bathroom didn't they? Carroll: No. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: [Andy walks in Darryl's office] We should schedule meetings, because the days can slip away with chit-chat. Are you crying? Andy: No I'm just sweating. Darryl: I don't know who's got you upset but my advice is stop crying. Andy: I'm not crying I'm just sweating. Darryl: Look you need to pick yourself up. Man up, alright? You will win this in the end. It's all about heart, and character. Be your best self. Andy: Ok. Darryl: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: I have no idea what his problem is, that's just my standard advice. It's good advice right? [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: [on answering machine] This is Holly Flax, I can't come to the phone right now but please leave a message after the sound of the tiny truck backing up. [BEEP] Michael: Hi Holly it's Michael, I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said. It's just. You know? It's weird. Today I ended up seeing a lot of women that I used to date, and in my mind they were all great. And then when I actually saw them, it was mostly a freak show. And you and me, that must have been a real train wreck. You know what, Holly? You're wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us. And talking to them today, I don't feel for them anything like what I feel for you. I didn't joke with any of them, I joked with you. You are the only one who was actually happy to hear from me. And I don't know why you downgraded what we had but I did not make us up. Ok. Oh, wait, and you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: What is this about? Michael: Oscar, we once sucked face in public. As part of an office presentation to destroy the stigma of gay kissing. Do you recall? Oscar: Yes! Michael: You may have given me a sexually transmitted disease. Oscar: What? Michael: Herpes duplex. Dwight: It was probably just an ingrown mustache hair but we have to be exhaustive. Michael: I have already contacted all of my ex-lovers except for you. Oscar: We were never lovers! Dwight: I'm gonna need a list of every man you've ever had s*x with. I'm talking train stations, men's rooms... Michael: Flower shops, fireworks celebrations... Dwight: Fence with a hole in it.. Michael: Moolit Gandala, carrage drive through Central Park... Dwight: The woods behind the liquor store, the swamp behind the old folk's home. Michael: An electric car dealership. [Oscar gets up and starts leaving] Dwight: The democratic primaries, Michael: Oscar! Think abou- Think! [door slams]
Plan: A: a pimple; Q: What does Michael think he has when he comes to work? A: herpes; Q: What is the cold sore a form of? A: all his ex-girlfriends-Jan; Q: Who does Michael contact when he is told he has herpes? A: Melora Hardin; Q: Who played Jan? A: Holly; Q: Who accuses Michael of romanticizing everything? A: Amy Ryan; Q: Who played Holly in the movie? A: ( Linda Purl; Q: Who is Helene? A: Amy Pietz; Q: Who played Donna in the movie? A: Carol; Q: Who is Nancy Carell? A: Andy; Q: Who holds a sex education meeting in the office? A: a sex education meeting; Q: What does Andy hold in the office to appeal to Erin's passionate side? Summary: Michael comes to work thinking he has a pimple, but it turns out to actually be a cold sore . When he is told that it is a form of herpes, Michael contacts all his ex-girlfriends-Jan ( Melora Hardin ), Holly ( Amy Ryan ), Helene ( Linda Purl ), Donna ( Amy Pietz ) and Carol ( Nancy Carell ), and during all that, gets caught up Holly's accusation of him romanticizing everything. Andy holds a sex education meeting in the office hoping to appeal to Erin's passionate side. Michael concludes that he did not exaggerate his relationship with Holly and what they had was in fact something special.
Ted from 2030: Kids, when your Uncle Marshall finally quit Goliath National Bank to do something better with his life, he left on great terms with his boss. Arthur: Good luck, Marshall. And promise you'll list me as a reference. Ted from 2030: Which made Marshall's big interview with a respected environmental organization all the more confusing. Head of the environmental Organization: I'm sorry. I don't think you're the kind of person we're looking for. I just got off the phone with Arthur Hobbs over at GNB. Arthur: Oh, yeah, I worked with Marshall Eriksen... at least I did when he actually showed up. [FLASHBACKS] Arthur: Marshall! Hey, it's, uh, it's 2:30. If it's no big deal, we'd sure love it if you'd try to get here at least before lunch. Marshall: Yeah? And I'd sure love to give a rat's ass. Assistant: Oh! Mr. Eriksen... You're not wearing any pants. Marshall: Your move. Assistant: But Marshall, wh... What about the environment? Marshall: Screw the environment! Head of the environmental Organization: "Screw the environment"?! Arthur: Oh, yeah. We fired him when we caught him clubbing a seal in his office with an even cuter seal. The guy's a maniac. He's just an awful, flatulent racist. [END OF FLASHBACKS] Marshall: Sir, none of that is... Head of the environmental Organization: Sorry. Interview over. Outside GNB Ted from 2030: And so Marshall stormed over to GNB, where he ran into Zoey. Zoey: If you want to get back at those jerks, I have a proposition for you. At the Bar Barney: Invitations for the demolition of The Arcadian. As head of the project, I get to decide how we knock it down. I'm torn between training an actual coyote to use an ACME dynamite plunger, or hooking up a fuse to Eddie Van Halen's guitar that goes off the second he hits the last note to "Hot For Teacher." Barney! Barney! Bar... No, no. I'm going to go coyote. Robin: Wait. While no one wants to see a, uh, coyote wearing a little hard hat more than me, remember: Zoey's protest could still shut your whole project down. Barney: Oh, come on. Zoey's not shutting anything down, standing out there with her stupid megaphone, screaming in the wind; butt cheeks trembling with fury; her perky breasts heaving; her self-righteous nipples... Ted: Dude, that's my girlfriend. Barney: Point is, we are taking her and The Arcadian down. Am I right, Teddy Westside? Ted: You know it. Lily: Okay. See, that's so weird to me. One second you're defending Zoey, and the next, you're talking about her going down. Barney: Glad to know she's also mouthy in a good way. What up? Dude, that's his girlfriend. Lily: Isn't it tough dating the woman that's trying to prevent your building from being built? Ted: At first, yes, but we figured out a great way to deal with it: we never talk about it. And since then, we've really been enjoying each other's company. Lily: So, every time The Arcadian comes up, you guys just awkwardly change the subject? Ted: Yeah, but you'd be surprised. It doesn't even come up that often. Zoey arrives Zoey: Hey, guys. All: Hey! Zoey: Meet the new lawyer I hired to help save The Arcadian. Ted: So Oprah's retiring. Oof! What's that world gonna be like? [OPENING CREDITS] Robin: Wait, Marshall's helping you save The Arcadian, now. Zoey: Yeah. Having a former GNB employee on our side is huge for us. GNB is going down. Marshall: Yeah, totally. Ted: So, they found water on Mars. What? Marshall: Listen, um, I hate to go up against my two best friends, but... I really, I really need this right now. I mean, we're, we're cool, right? Barney: Not only do you quit the job I stuck my neck out to get you, now you sabotage the project I'm in charge of? Is this because I brushed Lily's boob with my elbow, the other day? Lily: That was on purpose! Barney: I mean this is really like... Marshall: Barney, please... Ted from 2030: And thus began an all-out war between Barney and Marshall... Outside GNB Delivery Guy: Delivery from Mr. Stinson. Zoey: Barney sent us pictures of himself. Oh, God. What's he doing to that megaphone?! Marshall: Oh! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! At the Bar Ted from 2030: Later, back at the bar... another war was just beginning. Lily: Babe, can I get you a drink? Marshall: No, I'm still not... ready to put my mouth on anything yet. Lily: I know. Marshall: You know what? Screw this. Game on. Marshall leaves the booth. A woman comes toward the booth then walks away when she sees that the girls are still there. Lily: Can you believe this one? Wants our booth. Keeps giving us the walk-by. Robin: That bitch is not giving us the walk-by. Lily: The walk-by with the stink eye. Robin, in a high-pitched voice: A stink-eye-walk-by?! Aw, hell no! I hope this drink isn't teething, 'cause it's about to get nursed. Barney is talking to a girl; Marshall approaches. Marshall: Barney! Your wife just called from the hospital! It's a boy! Barney: No. I' was... I was... Ted from 2030: This went on for days. Marshall, to the girl Barney is talking to: Congratulations. You're about to be the 250th girl that Barney has slept with. Barney: Pfff. Try 283. 250 was months ago. No, no, no. No, I mean, you're totally 250, baby. No, don't. (The girl leaves) Marshall: Oh, bye-bye. Later... Marshall: Mr. Stinson... I had to rush down as soon as I got your results. I'm sorry, but your crabs have super-herpes. (The girl leaves in a hurry) Lily: Oh, boy. Look who's back. Robin: Look, Lily, I think this girl wants our seats. Should we leave... or stay here Lionel Richie style "All Night Long"? Lily: Excuse me waitress, I'll have a mojito! And you'll have a no-seat-ho. Marshall joins them at the booth; Barney stands next to him. Marshall: Ah, yes... the sweet, smoky taste of victory. Barney: Are you sure it doesn't taste like anything else? Marshall: That's it! Marshall catch Barney by his vest. Barney: Kent! Kent! Kent shows a picture to Marshall, who then let Barney go. Marshall: Oh, God! Ow... Why would you do that to your own jacket?! Barney: That's what you get, you traitor! Marshall: Oh, really? Really? Barney: Yeah. Really. Marshall: Really. That... what... Carl: Okay, enough! You guys are out of here. Robin: Ejected! Carl: I meant all of you. You're all banned from the bar. Out! Robin: Carl! Oh... This has nothing to do with us. You're totally ridiculous. (The girls stand up and leave the booth; the other girl sits down at their booth) Don't look, baby. Just don't look. Come on. At the appartment Lily: This stupid feud isn't going to end until Marshall and Barney finally talk about their feelings, cry, and then hug it out like they do on Oprah. Robin: Man, what are we going to do without her? Lily: Oh... Robin: Wait, you know what, these guys are not going to get all mushy sober. We need to get these bitches drunk. Lily: Yes, but the right kind of drunk. Uh... we should go with something mellow. Maybe red wine? Robin: Oh, I don't know. Red wine has kind of an odd effect on Barney. He reaches a point of sad clarity. [FLASHBACK] All: Ten, nine, eight... Barney: I'm a B-plus. My whole life, I was hoping to be an A, and I'm a B-plus. And I'm okay with that. All: Happy New Year! [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: If we want them to open up, I say we go straight-up gin. Lily: Oh... last time Marshall got gin-drunk was at that douchey bar Barney likes to go to. Marshall almost got in a fight that night. [FLASHBACK] Marshall: Look at this meatball. He's headed right towards me, showing me no respect. Well, if he wants to play chicken, this rooster ain't backing down! Oh. Mirror. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: How about martinis? Robin: Absolutely not. I'm not going anywhere near you and a martini. Lily: Why not? [FLASHBACK] Lily: Ooh... You know what would be stupid? If we made out. That would be so stupid. Hey, I dare you guys to dare us to make out. [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: Every time. Lily: I only say that because it would be so stupid if we did. So stupid... Robin: Uh-huh. Lily: Oh, yeah? Well... what about you and absinthe? [FLASHBACK] Marshall: I don't know. We could have water, soda, purple stuff... Robin: We're a dream a baby's having. We're a dream a baby's having. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: I keep telling you, that didn't happen. Robin: It happened, and it changed me. How about daiquiris? Lily: Maybe. When Marshall has daiquiris... he gets really into how beautiful he is. [FLASHBACK] Marshall, talking to a mirror: Hey. I dare you guys to dare us to make out. Ted: Hey, Marsh, you know that's another mirror, right? [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Peppermint schnapps? Robin: No. Peppermint schnapps turns Barney into Richard Dawson. Lily: Who? Robin: The crazy old host of Family Feud, who greeted women by kissing them on the mouth. [FLASHBACK] Barney: Hey there, darlin'. How you doin'? Ah, is this your sister? Mmm... Beautiful. Mmm... Ted: Hey, where are our chicken wings? Barney: Show me chicken wings! All: Good order, Ted! Good order! [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted goes out of his room, and walks toward the entry door. Ted: Okay, I'm gonna go pick up Zoey, then we're off. See you Sunday. Lily: Oh, wait, Ted. Do you have a specific reaction to any kind of alcohol? Ted: Bourbon. When I drink bourbon... I get weirdly good at beatboxing. [FLASHBACK] Ted is beatboxing Ted: Peace, I'm out. Everyone is cheering [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Yeah, Ted, I hate to tell you, but the bourbon only makes it sound good to you. [FLASHBACK] Ted does some mouth noises. Ted: Peace. I'm out. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: You had to take that away from me, didn't you? (He takes a bottle of Bourbon out of his bag and put it on the table) Robin: Well, enjoy Martha's Vineyard. Hopefully by the time you get back, we'll be allowed back into MacLaren's. Ted: What do you mean? Lily: Barney and Marshall's feud got us banned from the bar. We lost our booth. Robin: Stop. Ted: Man, how did things get so screwed up? Ted from 2030: Of course I knew the answer to that. I was dating her. But I wasn't about to ruin our first big romantic weekend away by bringing up the one topic we agreed was completely off-limits. [SCENE_BREAK] In Ted's car Ted: You and The Arcadian are ruining my life! What? Zoey: I thought we weren't talking about... Ted: We're talking about this. Look, I can handle you trying to prevent me from fulfilling a life-long dream. That's just being in a relationship. But now? You turn my best friend against me? Zoey: Marshall made his own choice. Why aren't you mad at him? Ted: Because he's going through a lot right now. He, he's looking for something to believe in, and you took advantage of that. You're, you're just like those Internet swindlers who tricked him into paying 300 bucks for a lock of Sasquatch fur. Zoey: You cannot compare The Arcadian to a Ziploc bag full of Turkish armpit hair. The Arcadian is a beautiful, magnificent hotel. Ted: Okay. You know what? We're settling this once and for all. Zoey: Okay. At the bar Lily: We've cross-referenced every alcohol with Marshall and Barney's reaction. What's the right drink for this situation? Robin: Well, they're not talking. They're not even looking at each other. That reminds me of those awkward Sunday dinners with my mom, my dad and his mistress. Families, right? Lily: I-I guess. That... seems like a whole other thing. We need a drink that will start a fight. A black screen with the word "Gin" at the center appears. Barney: Do you know what I had to do to get you that job? Marshall: Do you know what I had to do to will myself to show up every day? Barney: What, wear a wrinkled suit and not give a damn about what your hair looked like? Marshall: I showed up with wet hair once! Once! Barney: Oh, my God. At the Arcadian Ted: Well, here we are. I had a reservation at a four-star inn overlooking the ocean but, uh... How can that compete with such a beautiful, magnificent hotel? Welcome to The Arcadian. So here's the deal. If you can last until sunrise in your precious Arcadian, I'll join your side. Zoey: You're on. This place is fantastic. They even left a chocolate on the pillow. Ted: That's not a chocolate. At the bar Robin: Okay, now we need to get them something that will make them emotionally vulnerable and completely, pathetically honest. Lily: Yeah, we need a drink that, that takes subtext and turns it into text. Yeah. A black screen with the word "Whisky" at the center appears. Marshall: See, ever since the death of my father, I have been drawn to the idea of preservation. That's why The Arcadian speaks to me. Barney: Ever since my father walked out on my childhood, I've had serious abandonment issues. You walking out on me like that... Marshall: Oh God, I didn't even think of that... Barney: It made me wonder, "What could I have done to make him stay?" Marshall: Look, you didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't you, Barney. Barney: That's what everyone keeps saying but people just keep leaving me. Robin: Wow. That got real o'clock. Lily: Yeah. We need to get them up and having fun. A black screen with the word "Daiquiris" at the center appears. Robin: Dance, my puppets, dance! Lily: Now do you see why I'm always interfering in other people's lives? Robin: Oh, God, totally! At the Arcadian Zoey: Well, we're here for the night. Might as well have some fun. Dare to join me? Ted: Dust just flew out of that comforter in the shape of a skull. Whoa, something just passed through me. Can you get STDs from the ghost of a prostitute? Ted opens a door, a woman screams. Ted: What are... What are you doing in our bathroom? Woman: This bathroom for entire floor! At the bar Lily: Okay. Final round. What simple act will get the boys to finally forgive each other? Robin: Sharing a brandy. Which is what I walked in on my parents doing once. Brandy was my father's mistress. God, parents. Right? Lily: Again, just a whole other thing, sweetie. Where'd they go? Oh, no. They did shots. Robin: What? What is it? Lily smells the inside of a glass Lily: What's the worst thing they could possibly drink right now? A black screen with the word "Tequila" at the center appears. At the Bar (Barney is hitting on a female biker) Barney: Your place or mi... Your place or mi... Le-Let's go to your place. Mm. Ted from 2030: Kids, don't drink tequila. At the Arcadian Ted: Uh, these were supposed to be for a romantic dinner on our balcony as we were serenaded by the sounds of the ocean. But I guess we'll have to settle for what sounded like two very large men having s*x next door... with a third very small man. Zoey: I think that small man sounded very moved by The Arcadian's beauty. Ted: Okay. What is it? And don't give me, "It's beautiful." Don't give me, "It's magnificent" What is it about this place that makes you so passionate to save it? Zoey: Well... When I was a little girl... my family used to live here. Ted: Why, why have you never told me that? Zoey: I never told anyone that. It makes it sound like it would be impossible for me to be objective, but... The truth is, I... I loved growing up here. We had just moved to New York. We were completely broke. But my mom told my sisters and me that The Arcadian was a castle. And we believed her. I know it's not what it used to be... but this building is a part of who I am. And that's why I want so badly for you to like it, too. Ted from 2030: Kids, you never forget the first time or place you tell a girl: Ted: I love you. Zoey: I love you, too. At the Bar Carl: Come on in, you're un-banned. I gave these guys some drinks and they calmed down and made up. Robin: Well, what drink finally did the trick? A black screen with the word "Beer" at the center appears. Robin & Lily: Of course, beer. Marshall: I love you. Barney: I love you. Kent comes in with some pictures. Barney makes signs to make him go away. Barney: Uh, no. N-Not right... At the Arcadian Ted: You know, I guess this place isn't so bad. Zoey: See? With a little renovation, we could restore it to its former... What was that? Ted: What was what? Zoey: I think it went under the bed. Ted: I don't see anything. Zoey: That, that was... that! Ted: Oh, my God! It's the cock-a-mouse! Zoey: The what? Ted: Cock-a-mouse. Part cockroach, part mouse. It used to live in our apartment. It must have settled here, and... Oh! Look, it had babies! Good for it. Zoey: Ew.... I give up. You win. Let's go! At the appartment Lily: Be well, my friends! Aw, just how we left them. Robin: Morning. Who wants breakfast? Barney: You have some coffee? So I can throw it in this traitor's face? Marshall: Oh, yeah? Hey! Hey! Do you guys have some pancakes, because I... would really like some pancakes. They're fantastic. Let's be honest, I love them. But I hate this guy! Lily: I thought they made up last night. Robin: Damn it, I know what happened. [FLASHBACK] Marshall: I love you. Barney: I love you. Uh, no. N-not right... Lily: Carl, a round of champagne. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Ooh! The champagne. Robin: We gave them one drink too many. They must've blacked out and forgotten the whole thing. Barney: What kind of dirtbag doesn't stand by his best friends, but instead sides with some self-righteous bitch with a pointless cause and a megaphone? Ted and Zoey come out of Ted's room Ted: Dude. That's my girlfriend. And you know what? I'm on her side now, too. Barney: Whoa, whoa, you have got to be kidding me. Ted... Robin: Okay, what drink can fix this? Lily: Mama's done with this drama. What drink can fix the headache these clowns are giving me? Robin: I got it. Later... Robin and Lily are floating in the air Robin: Right? Lily: Time is music the planets make. Music the planets make... At the Bar Several women are sitting at the gang's booth. Woman: What is that? Kent arrives with some pictures; after seeing them, the women leaves the booth. Lily and Robin run to the booth with detergeant products.
Plan: A: the Arcadian Hotel; Q: What do Marshall and Barney argue over the destruction of? A: cocktails; Q: What do Robin and Lily try to mix to make Marshall and Barney make up? A: Ted; Q: Who plans a romantic weekend away with Zoey? Summary: When Marshall and Barney argue over the destruction of the Arcadian Hotel, Robin and Lily try to mix the right combination of cocktails that will force them to make up. Meanwhile, Ted plans a romantic weekend away with Zoey.
The War Games By Malcolm Hulke and Terrance Dicks 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, INT: SIDRAT (The Doctor, Jamie and Carstairs are laying on the floor almost pancaked by the ceiling and walls which are now the size of a large doll's house.) DOCTOR: Oh-oho-oh-oh! CARSTAIRS: Arghughah JAMIE: Urgh! Urgh! WAR-CHIEF OOV: Thirty seconds before you are crushed to death! CARSTAIRS: What are we gonna do Doctor? DOCTOR: We've got no choice we, we have to do what they say! (They all continue gasp frantically, looking for somewhere safe to crawl away to.) WAR-CHIEF OOV: Twenty seconds! DOCTOR: Ooh! CARSTAIRS: Argh! [SCENE_BREAK] 2, INT: LANDING BAY SECURITY-CHIEF: What are you doing now? WAR-CHIEF: Reducing the dimensions further. SECURITY-CHIEF: Wait! (The door to the SIDRAT scrapes open and the Doctor crawls out on his front carrying a white handkerchief.) DOCTOR: Oh oh, ooh oh. (He gets up looking utterly defeated and wanders into the middle of the floor in full range of the stun-guns from all the assembled guards.) WAR-CHIEF: Bring out the others. DOCTOR: What are you going to do with us? WAR-CHIEF: Bring out the others! DOCTOR: I-I won't have my friends ill-treated you know! SECURITY-CHIEF: You are in no position to make terms! DOCTOR: I am here under a flag of truce! I demand to know what you are going to do with us! WAR-CHIEF: For the last time, tell your friends to come out. Or would you sooner they were crushed to death? DOCTOR: Oh I think that that's a perfectly horrid idea! (He raises the last gas-filled valve which he had concealed beneath the handkerchief and dashes it to the floor, in an instant it fills the room with smoke. As everyone is reeling from the noxious fumes, he rushes towards the main control panel. SECURITY-CHIEF: Guards, stop him! Kill him! (But it is no use. Handkerchief to mouth, the Doctor snatches a handful tiny magnetic shapes that control the SIDRATs, and in an instant he deftly skips back into the safety of the capsule again the door closing behind.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3, INT: SIDRAT (Jamie and Carstairs are recovering from their ordeal when he Doctor rushes in. He holds the precious circuits aloft as if they were some kind of holy relic.) JAMIE: Oh well done Doctor! Oh! (He breathes a sigh of relief.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4, INT: LANDING BAY (As the noxious gas clears the War-Chief and the Security Chief struggle up, but are too late as a warm sparkling indicates that the Doctor and friends are away. The War-Chief rushes to the console.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Can't you stop them? (The War-Chief looks dour.) WAR-CHIEF: Locked off the controls and taken the master circuit rods. What an ingenious fellow he is. SECURITY-CHIEF: His ingenuity could ruin everything! (He turns to a guard.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Alert all time zones! WAR-CHIEF: I suggest we pay particular attention to the nineteen-seventeen zone. SECURITY-CHIEF: Is that where they are going? WAR-CHIEF: I can't tell for sure, these master circuit rods could guide the machine to any one of the time zones. [SCENE_BREAK] 5, INT: SIDRAT JAMIE: Well where are we going Doctor? DOCTOR: Anywhere but the nineteen-seventeen zone Jamie. JAMIE: A-are we not going back to Zoe and the TARDIS? DOCTOR: Yes eventually, but not just now. That's where-d they'll be looking for us. CARSTAIRS: What are we going to do then Doctor? DOCTOR: Well we'll go into one of the nearby zones and cross the time-zone barrier on foot. Oh! (He rummages in the pocket of his jacket.) DOCTOR: Hah. Ah...yes! Here we are. (He sticks a magnetic circuit to the control board.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6, INT: WAR ROOM (The Security-Chief wanders over to the War-Chief.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Haven't you traced them yet? WAR-CHIEF: It's impossible to pick them up when the SIDRAT is still moving. I'll pinpoint their position the moment it lands. SECURITY-CHIEF: All time-zones are ready to hunt them down as soon as you provide the necessary information. (A new alarm begins to echo throughout the chamber.) SECURITY-CHIEF: The War-Lord is arriving from the home planet. WAR-CHIEF: He's chosen rather an inconvenient time. SECURITY-CHIEF: I shall go and receive him. WAR-CHIEF: No, I'll receive him. You stay here and supervise the capture of that resistance group. SECURITY-CHIEF: The war Lord will expect me! He-! WAR-CHIEF: The War-Lord will expect everything to be running smoothly and under control, which at the moment it isn't. (The War-Chief walks out of the room. The Security-Chief notices a few of the technicians have been watching the conversation.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Keep your eyes on the operations maps! I want to know the moment that capsule arrives in time zone! (The technicians follow their orders.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7, INT: SIDRAT (The Doctor, Jamie and Carstairs sit on the floor of the SIDRAT having a short picnic out of one of their bags. Jamie talks through a mouthful of apple.) JAMIE: Its takin' its time isn't it? DOCTOR: Yes Jamie, I-I probably confused the controls readjusting them in space, in... (He draws an apple out for himself while Carstairs scrutinises the map.) CARSTAIRS: Mn, you've no idea which zone we're going to land in Doctor? DOCTOR: Well, no, not really, no. JAMIE: Oh, Just like the TARDIS eh? DOCTOR: Hah-ha. (The Doctor continues to quietly buff an apple against his lapel. The sound of rematerialisation is heard through the SIDRAT and they all stand.) DOCTOR: Come on, here we go. Help me on with the processing machine. (Carstairs lifts the knapsack onto the Doctor's back.) DOCTOR: Now remember, as soon as we land we must make ourselves scarce. JAMIE: Eh? DOCTOR: Well they're bound to be on the alert for us. JAMIE: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] 8, INT: WAR ROOM (The Security-Chief addresses a technician.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Alert the Roman zone commanders in sector five! Transmit map references and order troops to surround the area. These resistance people must be captured or destroyed! (The technician leaves as the alert sounds through the chamber. War-Lord and War-Chief arrive flanked by guards. The War chief is a small bespectacled figure; his hair and elegantly sculpted beard are both styled excessively close, and he wears in a neat black suit.) WAR-LORD: Can my information is correct? I've heard disquieting rumours of serious trouble here - are they true? SECURITY-CHIEF: There have been temporary difficulties. WAR-LORD: But they have been overcome. (He smiles coldly.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Almost! WAR-LORD: War-Chief. The defective processing machinery, has it been rectified? WAR-CHIEF: Your scientists did get effective machines, but... WAR-LORD: But what? WAR-CHIEF: Unfortunately it was removed by an intruding party of resistance men. (The War-Lord's icy calm begins to crack.) WAR-LORD: They penetrated the control area? They just walked in, how? SECURITY-CHIEF: I have the situation under control War-Lord. It is only a matter of time before they are recaptured. WAR-LORD: Then I hope that time is on your side. (A technician moves to the side of the Security-Chief and gestures.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Report from the Roman zone. [SCENE_BREAK] 9, EXT: HILLSIDE CARSTAIRS: Are you sure this is the right way sir? (They pause to pore over a map.) DOCTOR: Well I don't know, it is rather difficult to tell isn't it? JAMIE: I think it is Doctor, I-I seem to remember that hill. CARSTAIRS: Isn't this where we were attacked by the Romans? DOCTOR: Uh? (As soon as he says this, as if on cue the angry Romans sweep over the hill again towards them.) DOCTOR: Come on! Back to the time zone barrier! (They run down the road that they had driven down in the ambulance the previous day.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10, INT: WAR ROOM WAR-CHIEF: They're escaping again! Moving back to the time zone barrier. Our processed Roman legions won't be able to follow them there. SECURITY-CHIEF: Then we will send in my security guards from the control centre. WAR-CHIEF: No, not again. We are carrying out a delicately controlled operation. The presence of guards in the time zones could stretch he credulity of the processed humans - it would be most dangerous! SECURITY-CHIEF: It would be even more dangerous if we allow this Doctor to remain alive. WAR-CHIEF: Have you looked for this space-time machine of theirs? SECURITY-CHIEF: What use is that to us? WAR-CHIEF: They will no doubt try to return to it, that's where we should be looking for them. It's a simple enough conclusion, you might even have reached it yourself! SECURITY-CHIEF: I have reached a number of conclusions about you and about this man the Doctor! WAR-CHIEF: Indeed? Perhaps you'd like to share them with us? SECURITY-CHIEF: This Doctor arrived here on this planet we have chosen for the war games; he brought with him companions who have not been subjected to our mental processing. WAR-CHIEF: A fact you tried to conceal. SECURITY-CHIEF: They came in a space-time machine, the secret of space-time travel is known only to you and to your people. WAR-CHIEF: And I brought that secret here. SECURITY-CHIEF: You have shown us how to operate these machines, but not how to construct them. These people were summoned by one who is in league with his own kind - plotting to betray us! WAR-CHIEF: You cannot produce one single atom of proof! SECURITY-CHIEF: The accumulation of evidence is overwhelming! WAR-LORD: That's enough! That's enough from both of you. Now I am tired of this eternal bickering. Your inability to work together is endangering our whole plan. You have a choice: co-operate or be replaced. (The War-Chief and the Security-Chief glare at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11, EXT: TIME ZONE BARRIER (All is misty, opaque white within as before. The Doctor coughs a little on the curious quality of the air within the time zone barrier. Whenever they talk it has a curious echoing quality as if the barrier were attempting to swallow up their words.) JAMIE: Aye. Are we safe in here Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes-yes they can't follow us into a, into a-a time zone barrier. Oh. Lieutenant Carstairs, do you feel alright? CARSTAIRS: Perfectly, why? DOCTOR: Oh good! That means that the processing machine is working alright. JAMIE: Oh look, where do we go from now, Doctor? DOCTOR: Just follow me Jamie. (They move away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12, EXT: 1917 ROAD (The three strange figures fade into existence on the road amid the muffled sound of constant shelling. The Doctor points and they all rush off; not however, before a soldier positioned deliberately beside the barrier spots them, and makes a call on his field telephone.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: DRAWING ROOM (Back in the familiar surroundings of the chateaux, the Sergeant-Major Burns answers the telephone.) BURNS: I'll tell General Smythe immediately sir. (He replaces the phone and scurries to the large desk.) BURNS: S'cuse me sir. (The tall, sadistic form of General Smythe turns his swivel-chair to face the front of the desk.) SMYTHE: What is it? BURNS: Report from number three observation point sir. Three persons spotted answering to the descriptions of the two spies and the officer wanted for desertion, sir. SMYTHE: Map? (The Sergeant-Major unfurls a map.) BURNS: They'd be just about, er...here sir. (He points.) SMYTHE: How very convenient. Right next to a machine-gun emplacement. (The Sergeant-Major looks at him uncomfortably, wondering if he heard right.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14, EXT: NO-MAN'S LAND (The Doctor, Jamie and Carstairs scramble down one side of a muddy bank. The Doctor slipping for a moment. As they move a machine gun silently tracks them, then without warning the weapon begins spraying bullets at them with a dull chattering.) CARSTAIRS: Take cover! (They all drop to the ground.) CARSTAIRS: They got us pinned down. (Behind the machine-gunners, out of the sight of the Doctor and co. Zoe and a group of resistance fighters arrive. A Crimean soldier knocks the gunners out with the butt of a rifle, but by the time they have done this the Doctor's party are surrounded by Smythe's troops, all pointing rifles. The soldier aims his rifle, but Zoe holds him back.) ZOE: No don't shoot, you'll hit my friends! We'll follow them. [SCENE_BREAK] 15, INT: DRAWING ROOM (Smythe turns from the window to his three prisoners.) SMYTHE: You've caused me a great deal of trouble. DOCTOR: Good, I'm very glad to hear it! I suppose you're going to subject us to another one of your farcical court-martials? SMYTHE: In your case that won't be necessary. You have already been condemned to death. DOCTOR: What about my friends? SMYTHE: They will be given the chance to redeem themselves - in the most dangerous sector of the front line. DOCTOR: After some more of your mental processing I suppose? SMYTHE: They will have the opportunity of making the supreme sacrifice for their King and country! CARSTAIRS: You can drop all that nonsense, we know what's going on. SMYTHE: Do you Carstairs? CARSTAIRS: Yes. This isn't the war, we're not even on our own planet - do you realise that Sergeant-Major? (He glances over.) CARSTAIRS: This General of yours isn't even a human being! (Smythe places his glasses on his nose and fixes the Sergeant-Major with a piercing hypno-stare.) SMYTHE: The prisoner is delirious Sergeant-Major, he's talking nonsense. BURNS: Yes sir, delirious sir. Talking nonsense sir. CARSTAIRS: Listen to me Sergeant-Major! SMYTHE: It's no use Carstairs, nothing you say will have any effect. Sergeant-Major, prepare a firing squad! BURNS: Sir! (He snaps to attention, turns and leaves.) DOCTOR: Do you have the authority to have me killed? SMYTHE: I don't need any authority. DOCTOR: Your alien superiors will want to question me! SMYTHE: You've caused me a great deal of trouble and embarrassment, now I'm afraid you're going to pay for it. With your life! DOCTOR: So you're simply being malicious! SMYTHE: Revenge can be very satisfying. BURNS: Firing party ready sir! SMYTHE: Take him away! (The soldiers march the Doctor out of the room.) DOCTOR: Oh..oh..oh! JAMIE: Look, leave him alone! (Jamie is held back.) SOLDIER: Come along! SMYTHE: Keep these other two here. (Smythe goes to his room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16, INT: SMYTHE'S ROOM (Smythe moves to activate the video screen behind the portrait.) SMYTHE: Smythe, nineteen-seventeen zone. I have recaptured three of the escaped prisoners. [SCENE_BREAK] 17, INT: WAR ROOM (Smythe's face peers out of the gaming map.) WAR-CHIEF: Excellent! I want them sent here immediately! SMYTHE: Unfortunately one of them is already dead. WAR-CHIEF: Which one? SMYTHE: The one that calls himself the Doctor. He was shot...trying to escape. WAR-CHIEF: Did you recover the machine? SMYTHE: Machine? WAR-CHIEF: Didn't you receive your instructions? They took with them the new processing machine - it must be recovered! SMYTHE: Yes, of course I will. WAR-CHIEF: Don't fail us Smythe, the War-Lord is here and he doesn't like failures. [SCENE_BREAK] 18, INT: DRAWING ROOM JAMIE: Gonna try and save the Doctor? CARSTAIRS: I wouldn't get anywhere near him. (He eyes the guard; alert, with rifle outstretched.) JAMIE: How about if I... (Smythe appears behind them in a fury.) SMYTHE: That machine you took - where is it? Where is it?! CARSTAIRS: The Doctor's got it. (Smythe moves to the window, torn between appeasing his superiors and his thirst for revenge.) SERGEANT-MAJOR OOV: Firing squad attention! Load! CARSTAIRS: Only the Doctor knows where it is. You kill him you'll never get it back. BURNS: Squad, aim. Squad... (There is the sound of gunfire.) SMYTHE: Stop! ...sh*t! (Smythe pulls out his revolver and fires off a shot as the doors to one side of the drawing room burst open. He retreats to his room.) SMYTHE: SH*T! (As Jamie and Carstairs attempt to wrest the guns from the soldiers, the doors on the other side of the room take a heavy pounding and finally give way. Resistance lead by Russell men flood into the room and grab the two guards.) JAMIE: Russell! The Doctor, what happened to him? RUSSELL: I don't know we've just attacked the front of the building. (Another two familiar figures appear in the doorway.) JAMIE: Doctor! I thought they'd shot you! DOCTOR: Fortunately Zoe arrived in time. Where's General Smythe? RUSSELL: He's in there. (Russell points to the room.) DOCTOR: What? Well he'll be calling for help, we've got to stop him! RUSSELL: Quick lads, over here! [SCENE_BREAK] 19, INT: SMYTHE'S ROOM (The War Chief gazes from the screen.) SMYTHE: It's the resistance, they're attacking in force! You must send help! WAR-CHIEF: Did you recover the machine? SMYTHE: I haven't had the chance! You must send help! WAR-CHIEF: New master circuit rods for the travel machines are being prepared. SMYTHE: You must send help now! WAR-CHIEF: Smythe, de-activate the area control. [SCENE_BREAK] 20, INT: DRAWING ROOM RUSSELL: Right lads, stand back. (Russell sets to work on busting in the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21, INT: SMYTHE'S ROOM WAR-CHIEF: Deactivate the area control, deactivate the area control, deactivate the area control! (Smythe moves below the video screen; and pulling the fake cover from the fireplace, reveals a complex mass of boxy white circuit packs. As he tries to tug one of the fuse-like objects from its slot the door bursts open. Smythe fires a shot, but Russell has used his own momentum to slide safely to the floor firing a single shot in response.) RUSSELL: Quick Doctor, in here. (The Doctor peers cautiously into the room, then moves to examine the dead body of Smythe.) RUSSELL: Look. I think he was trying to destroy it. DOCTOR: Why would he want to do that? (He gazes at the fireplace cavity.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22, INT: WAR ROOM (Zoe places her hand over the viewscreen and the scanner in the gaming table fades to darkness.) SECURITY-CHIEF: They have taken over the Chateaux. WAR-CHIEF: And the Doctor is still alive. Smythe was a fool he deserved to die! WAR-LORD: The Doctor has the processing machine - does he have the knowledge and the ability to use it? WAR-CHIEF: Yes. I think he has. WAR-LORD: Then the situation's urgent, isn't it? Fortunately they're in a very vulnerable position now. If they've made a mass attack than all their forces are concentrated in one position - the chateaux. SECURITY-CHIEF: This time we must use the guards. WAR-CHIEF: No, we will invalidate the experiment. If they are concentrated in one place it would be simple enough to wipe them out with an artillery barrage. WAR-LORD: Simple, but just as foolish as using the security guards. A violent attack on the Chateaux would almost certainly destroy the control units there. The time zone barriers would disappear. No, use the conventional forces; could be quite amusing. (For a moment a malicious smile flickers upon his face as moves to the map table.) WAR-LORD: A mass attack on the chateaux. A pincer movement with our little band of heroes caught in it's jaws. (He converges two of the perspex blocks upon a third until they collide.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23, INT: SMYTHE'S ROOM (The Doctor is examining the equipment in the fireplace.) ZOE: What do you make of it Doctor? DOCTOR: I'm not quite sure Zoe, I think they've got something to do with the time zone barriers. JAMIE: Doctor. DOCTOR: Huh? JAMIE: There's troops moving in from all sides. DOCTOR: Oh no! Oh my word... How many resistance did you bring? ZOE: Well not enough to stand up against an army. Hadn't we better try and get away? JAMIE: Look it's too late for that, we're surrounded! [SCENE_BREAK] 24, INT: DRAWING ROOM (The constant sound of firing is ever-present as Carstairs gestures with a bullet to the map which is spread across the table.) CARSTAIRS: We could try to make a break for it down here, some of us might get away. (He resumes refilling his revolver with ammunition.) RUSSELL: Not a chance, we'd be caught between two armies! CARSTAIRS: Yeah. DOCTOR: Mr Russell, how long can you hold on here? RUSSELL: Well not long Doctor and our forward position is about to crawl back already. DOCTOR: Well you must hold on for as long as you can, I-I think I've got the answer! I...you see we've got to have a safe base from which to fight these people, I... I I-I must go and get on with my work, er... (He rushes back to the General's room.) RUSSELL: What does he mean? What's he up to? CARSTAIRS: I dunno. But we'll do as he says and stick it out here for as long as we can. RUSSELL: Well that won't be long sir, listen to that lot. CARSTAIRS: Yeah. (He holsters his gun.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25, INT: SMYTHE'S ROOM (Jamie and Zoe are whispering as the Doctor moves towards the fireplace and it's rows of circuitry.) DOCTOR: Give some help Zoe, I want to dismantle this. ZOE: What for? DOCTOR: To find out how it works of course. Ah...don't ask questions, just do as I say. JAMIE: Well what can I do? DOCTOR: Ah, you go and ask, Uh... You go and help Mr Russell. JAMIE: Right. (Jamie leaves.) DOCTOR: Now then. (He removes a circuit pack from the slot and sets to work upon it with his sonic screwdriver.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26, INT: WAR ROOM (The War-Chief pores over the map table.) WAR-CHIEF: British troops are advancing from here and here, converging with French troops advancing from here. Germans are advancing from this side together with the Austro-Hungarians. SECURITY-CHIEF: It is taking longer than it should, these resistance people are putting up a good fight. WAR-CHIEF: They will be crushed. SECURITY-CHIEF: They have escaped before, they could do it again. WAR-CHIEF: Not this time, I am in control. SECURITY-CHIEF: And the Doctor? Will he die with the rest? WAR-CHIEF: Why shouldn't he? SECURITY-CHIEF: He seems to have a charmed life. WAR-CHIEF: Only when you have a hand in his fate. This Doctor will die. [SCENE_BREAK] 27, INT: DRAWING ROOM (The pitch battle has reached the drawing room. Jamie, Russell, Carstairs and the resistance fighters are all stooped; exchanging fire with the people outside the window.) JAMIE: It's no good. RUSSELL: And this is just the vanguard, we know there's more to come. (A French soldier who has climbed the balcony tosses a grenade into the room through the French windows.) RUSSELL: Grenade! (Russell rushes up to the French soldier, pulls him through and knocks him to the ground.) JAMIE: Look out! (Jamie rushes forward, scoops up the grenade and throws it out the window. JAMIE: Duck! (Everyone recoils at the explosion. A plume of smoke drifts into the room.) CARSTAIRS: It's no good Russell, we must get away from here. [SCENE_BREAK] 28, INT: SMYTHE'S ROOM (Carstairs rushes in.) CARSTAIRS: Hah, Doctor. You and Zoe must try and get away from here. DOCTOR: No I don't think that will be necessary. CARSTAIRS: But Doctor... DOCTOR: Um, shall we try it? Zoe? Right here we go. (He adds a final component to the electronic lash-up in the fireplace. A steady, curious humming-pulsing sound emanates from all around.) CARSTAIRS: Doctor now what... DOCTOR: Sh-sh-shh! Listen. (He stands up and holds a finger in the air as if he were a magician emphasising a latest trick. The still air is silent and crisp, the backdrop of constant firing has ceased.) CARSTAIRS: Stopped... Stopped. (Carstairs walks a little uncertainly through to the drawing room again followed by the Doctor who is looking smug.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29, INT: DRAWING ROOM (Everyone is standing around looking equally baffled.) CARSTAIRS: Not a sound. RUSSELL: Some sort of trick. DOCTOR: No Mr Russell, look out of the window. JAMIE: Aye, a mist. DOCTOR: Yes! I've set up a time zone barrier all around the chateaux. RUSSELL: So none of the processed people will be able to get at us. DOCTOR: Exactly, but your people can come and go as you please. At last we've got a safe base from which to fight them! We can carry out the next step in complete safety. RUSSELL: What next step Doctor? DOCTOR: Is this one of yours Mr Russell? RUSSELL: Er, no Doctor. I pulled 'im through the window. DOCTOR: He's just the man we need. (The Frenchman rubs his neck and looks suspiciously around.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30, INT: WAR ROOM (The War Lord toys with the perspex game pieces in a bored manner, idly listening to the War-Chief and Security-Chief bicker.) SECURITY-CHIEF: So much for your armies of processed humans! WAR-CHIEF: Smythe should have destroyed the machine. SECURITY-CHIEF: We should have sent in my security guards. WAR-CHIEF: And ruin the entire experiment? WAR-LORD: The Security-Chief is right, you have failed. (He looks from War-Chief to Security Chief.) WAR-LORD: And your leadership of the security forces has hardly been spectacularly successful! I will take charge of the whole situation. Now listen carefully, this is what I plan to do... [SCENE_BREAK] 31, INT: DRAWING ROOM (The French soldier has his head in the jaws of the machine as he is slowly de-processed.) DOCTOR: I think that will do Jamie. Aah. (The whining dies away from the machine and it is taken away. The man looks around nervously as if he is seeing the room for the first time.) DU PONT: Que ... ? Qu' est-ce qui se passe? DOCTOR: I think it's worked. CARSTAIRS: He seems pretty confused. (To DU PONT, haltingly.) Erm, er, est-ce que vous voyez ca? (He points at the processing machine.) DU PONT: Oui, je me vois bien, mais... (He looks at the assembled people.) DU PONT: Vous ne pas les bosch? CARSTAIRS: I think it has worked, Doctor! At least he can see we're not Germans. DOCTOR: Oh dear. I wonder whether he's completely back to normal? DU PONT: Je comprends bien. Que ... ? Qu' est-ce que vous faites ici dans le Chateaux? CARSTAIRS: I think he's alright. He just wants to know what we're doing here. (To DU PONT.) Er, Nous sommes le...le...le, rer...resistance. (DU PONT still looks puzzled.) CARSTAIRS: Er, resistance? Do you speak English? DU PONT: (Haltingly.) English? You...English? RUSSELL: We're all sorts here, lad! DU PONT: (Puzzled.) Comprends pas? CARSTAIRS: Er, er, nous combatons le, erm, sorry, my French isn't up to it. DOCTOR: Look, try, er, er, try to explain to him what's been happening. CARSTAIRS: Venez ici, monsieur. (He takes DU PONT away as RUSSELL looks down at the processing machine.) RUSSELL: So... So you bring people back to normal with that thing? DOCTOR: Yes-yes-yes yea. Everyone we capture we can convert to our side, you'll soon have all the men you need. RUSSELL: Yes, but if you're going to do them all one by one, it'll take until doomsday! DOCTOR: No Mr Russl..Mr Russell I'm doing my best! If you can capture some more equipment I might be able to rig up something that would do dozens at a time! I... (The Doctor looks up nervously as a warm sparkling comes from the direction of Smythe's room.) RUSSELL: Well now you're talking, and... One of those machines. Quick lads, in here! [SCENE_BREAK] 32, INT: SMYTHE'S ROOM (A SIDRAT appears in the corner and two guards disembark. The two resistance men who had rushed to block the door are mercilessly stun-gunned down at the highest setting.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33, INT: DRAWING ROOM (Security-Chief moves in behind the guards and takes the processing machine. The Doctor tries to stop them.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Stop, take him! (The Doctor is roughly grabbed and manhandled back into Smythe's room.) DOCTOR: Oh-oh argh! Oh-oh! (Carstairs raises his weapon, but Jamie places a hand on it.) JAMIE: Don't shoot, you might hit the Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] 34, INT: SMYTHE'S ROOM (The Doctor is bundled into the SIDRAT which vanishes. Cautiously the members of the resistance follow, but are too late. They all stand looking at helplessly the empty space where a tall green SIDRAT had once stood.)
Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who is ordered executed by Smythe? A: the 1917 zone; Q: Where did the Doctor, Jamie and Carstairs return to? A: Smythe; Q: Who captures the Doctor and orders his execution? Summary: The Doctor, Jamie and Carstairs manage to return to the 1917 zone only to be captured by Smythe, who orders the Doctor executed.
[Scene: Under the sea. Phoebe is swimming around the bottom of the ocean. She spots a pretty pink shell and picks it up. She smiles and swims off.] [Cut to the manor. Living room. Piper and Paige are sitting the on the couch. Leo orbs in. He is soaking wet.] Piper: Leo, the Persian. Leo: I found Phoebe. Piper: You did? Well, why didn't bring her? Leo: She's too fast... and slippery. Paige: It's official. Phoebe's on the run. Leo: On the swim technically. Piper: Well, what the heck's she swimming from? She's got billboards, TV interviews, she got her divorce, she should be loving life. Paige: That's right, you don't know. Piper: I don't know what? Paige: Well, I didn't wanna make you mad, you know, you getting so panicky and all. Piper: Yes, we've established, I was a spineless coward in the face of evil. Now, what don't I know? Paige: Cole's back. (Piper starts to panic.) Leo: What? Why don't I know about this? Paige: What Phoebe told me confidentially. Leo: Yes, but I'm your Whitelighter. As a witch you have a duty to let me know this sort of thing. Paige: I have a greater duty to my sister. Leo: Excuse me, but he's the former Source of all evil. (Piper tries to get their attention.) This is not something you just sweep under the rug. (Piper falls on the floor. Leo and Paige run over to her.) Take a deep breath, take a deep breath. (They help her up and she sits on the couch.) Piper: Does he want my baby? Paige: Oh, no honey, of course not. He's in love, he wants Phoebe back. Leo: Hey, that's it. If Cole and Phoebe declare their love... Paige: Cole's love is the problem, not the solution. Piper: Paige, I know you hate Cole... Paige: Yeah, I do, I loathe and despise him, but that's not the point. Mylie said that mermaids are cold hearted, maybe that's why my spell turned Phoebe into a mermaid in the first place. Piper: Wait a minute, we're talking about Phoebe here. Since when did Phoebe become cold hearted? Paige: Well, maybe she's been in the deep freeze ever since Cole came back. Leo: So where do we go next? Paige: I don't know. Book Of Shadows, library of congress, internet. Anywhere we can to get rid of Phoebe's tail. [Scene: The Sea Hag's cavern. Necron zaps in. He walks around.] Necron: Hag? I want my eternal life. Or your life, it's your choice. (He sees a pile of dust on the floor where the Sea Hag was vanquished. He waves his hand above the pile and the dust blows away, revealing the ogre shell. He picks it up. Phoebe swims into the cavern and places a shell onto a pile of shells she's collected. Necron notices her and walks over to her.) Phoebe: Who are you? Necron: You have something I want. Phoebe: They're all yours! (She throws the shells at Necron and dives under the water. Necron throws electricity at Phoebe and hits her tail. She swims away, bleeding.) Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Paige is there on the phone.] Paige: I am so sorry I am missing work, Mr. Cowan. I-I it's just my sister, she's had a fishing accident. Of course I'm grateful for the promotion, of course I am. And I'm gonna prove to you how grateful I am as soon as I get there and... Mr. Cowan? (Leo orbs in.) Hello? (She hangs up.) Leo: I lost Phoebe. Paige: You lost Phoebe? Leo: Yeah, somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico. I was tracking her and, she's getting harder to sense. I think the mermaid in her's starting to take over. Paige: I'll just have to find a way to turn her back. (She sits down.) Look through these books. (She places a book in front of her.) Leo: Uh, you've been working on this all night? Paige: Yeah. Leo: What have you learned so far? Paige: I've learned that mermaids are cold blooded, they like shiny baubles, sea shanties are the only songs they know, and my adoption file is short one document. Leo: You lost me with that last one. Paige: Leo, it's my first day as a social worker and I'm already screwing up and failing big time. This kid's adoption is gonna fall apart without me. Leo: Well, you can't let that happen. Paige: I'm so glad you agree. I was thinking I can just cast a spell from here and create a file... Leo: That's not what I meant. Go to work. Paige: But what about... Leo: But what about what? You're just an orb away. Paige: You sure you can handle this alone? Leo: I'm not alone, I have Piper. Paige: Piper. Okay, Leo, I don't know if it's because she's afraid of the demon or she has a guilt over Phoebe, but she's not doing so well. I had to come down here to get any work done at all. Leo: What do you mean? Paige: Go up the attic and see for yourself. (Leo leaves the kitchen.) [Cut to the attic. Leo walks in. He looks around for Piper. He sees her sitting on the floor in the corner of the room, scribbling words on the wall with chalk. He walks over to her.] Piper: (mumbles something) No. (She rubs a word out with her hand.) Leo: Honey, it's okay. (He touches her arm.) Piper: Let go of me, almost done. Leo: Piper, you need to take a break. Piper: I just need one more verse. Leo: Piper, this is not helping Phoebe. Piper: Leo, I'm scared. Leo: I know. Piper: No, you don't. I'm scared all of the time. Leo: Piper, you're pregnant. Your hormones and adrenalin are running very high. It's okay to be afraid. Piper: No, it's not. Did you see what my fear did to Phoebe. I'm supposed to be stronger than ever now that I'm pregnant, for our daughter and my sisters. It's my job to take care of this family. Leo: Sometimes it's this family's job to take care of you. Sometimes it's my job. Piper: What do I do? Leo: You need to figure out what's behind your fear. Piper: Okay, well, therapy takes years and Phoebe needs me now. Leo: The only way you can help Phoebe is by removing your fear. Piper: What did you say? Leo: I said you need to remove your fear and I can help you do that. Piper: I think you just did. (She stands up.) Right now I just need to figure this out, alone. (Leo leaves the attic. Piper walks over to a blank wall and writes "Fearless" with a piece of chalk.) [Scene: A dock. Phoebe is sitting on the edge, breathing heavily. She touches the bleeding gash in her tail. She hears voices and dives into the water.] [Scene: South Bay Social Services. Paige is walking across the room with Mr. Cowan following.] Mr. Cowan: So how is your sister doing after the fishing accident? Paige: Oh, we're not sure, we haven't found her yet. Mr. Cowan: What is she, lost at sea? Paige: You could say that. Mr. Cowan: But-but Paige. (They stop walking.) Paige: Look, Mr. Cowan, I may be stubborn at times and late to work often and I don't always know when to shut up like right now, but trust me, even if I told you the truth you wouldn't believe me, so if you'll excuse me I have an adoption to save. Mr. Cowan: You forgot insolent, you're very insolent. Paige: You're right. Can I go now? Mr. Cowan: Don't make me regret giving you this promotion, Paige. (Paige nods. Mr. Cowan leaves. Paige turns and sees Cole heading towards her.) Cole: Wait, before you say anything. Paige: Not to say, do, because I'm about to orb your family jewels far, far away. Cole: Yeah, that would hurt, but I'm sure you don't want to use your powers in front of all these people, do you? Paige: What do you want? Cole: I want to prove that I've changed. Not just to Phoebe but to you and Piper as well. (Mr. Cowan walks back over holding a file.) Mr. Cowan: Copies of the adoption application and the police clearances. Fax them ASAP. It might sway the agency's decision. Cole: I'm familiar with family law, maybe I could do some good here? Mr. Cowan: Didn't we fire you? Cole: Actually I quit. But now I'm a partner at the Jackman, Carter and Kline. Mr. Cowan: So what are you doing here? Cole: I came to help Paige. (He puts his hand on Paige's shoulder and she pulls away.) Paige: Who doesn't want or need his help. Mr. Cowan: A good social worker knows when to use outside resources. They don't get much better than Jackman, Carter and Kline. (Mr. Cowan walks away.) Cole: Well, you heard him, they don't get much better than me, so let me help you. It won't be any trouble at all. Paige: No, trouble? You've been nothing but trouble. Phoebe was finally happy and now you're back and suddenly she's a... Lunch Lady: Yellowtail? (The lady that delivers the lunches stands beside Paige.) Your usual lunch order. (Paige pulls a face.) Paige: Ugh, no fish, not now, not ever. (Paige races into another room. Cole follows.) Cole: Uh, Phoebe's a what? (She pulls him into the photocopying room.) Paige: You wanna know what Phoebe is? She's a mermaid. Do you wanna know why? Cole: I'm sorry, did you say mermaid? Paige: Yeah, gills, fins, scales and all. Cole: Well, you can fix that, right? Paige: No, Cole, we can't fix that because she wants to be a mermaid because you broke her heart. Cole: I never meant to hurt her. Paige: You didn't mean to do a lot of things but they happened. You are a one man death squad. Bodies, blood and pain follow you wherever you go. Cole: Well, there may be some truth to that but it's in my past, I came back to make up... Paige: Make up for it? Do you want to make up for it? Go to Tibet, join a monastery, pray for absolution, but don't put your guilt on us. Cole: You don't understand. I love... Paige: Love Phoebe? Uh, what is it with you guys, like it's all about you and your feelings. Cole: What about Phoebe's feelings? She still loves me. Paige: Wrong. She doesn't love you. She things you're an evil freak with super powers from hell and battery acid for blood. She doesn't love you, she wishes you'd stayed dead. Cole: She told you this? Paige: Told me? She didn't have to tell me, she's a mermaid. Her body erupted in scales. She had to turn into a fish to get away from you, do you get it now? Listen, the only way you can help us get our sister back is for you to disappear forever. [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper has written a spell on the wall with chalk.] Piper: "Locked in, boxed in, full of fear my panic grows manic till I can't hear, in need of reprieve so that I can breathe, remove my fear please make it leave." (Piper glows. She looks in a mirror.) [Scene: A fishing boat. Three fisherman pull a large net full of fish out of the water. They tip it into a large wooden box. Phoebe falls out of the net. The fisherman look at her.] Fisherman #1: What the hell? (Phoebe wakes up and hits a fisherman with her tail.) Fisherman #2: Watch it. (Fisherman #1 tries to grab her.) Phoebe: Get your filthy meat hooks off me! Fisherman #3: Cop the mouth on her. (They laugh.) Fisherman #1: All I care about is the tail. Fisherman #3: How much do you think the tabloids would pay to see this? Fisherman #1: I don't know about you guys but I don't want to spend the rest of my life on that boat. Maybe we should be thinking bigger than tabloids here. Fisherman #3: Bigger? Fisherman #1: Yeah. We bring her in like this, sure, we'll get a small fee, but mostly we'd just get credit for finding her. On the other hand if we say we found her dead, we could sell the body for a fortune. (Necron zaps in.) Necron: Sorry, her life belongs to me. (Fisherman #2 grabs a fishing spear and shoots at Necron. It pierces through Necron's neck and sticks in a wall. Necron moves forward and the spear slides out. His neck magically heals. He throws electricity at Fisherman #1 and #2 and they turn into dust. He does the same to Fisherman #3 and he turns into dust. He glides over to Phoebe.) Necron: Mermaids are such poor, defenseless creatures. I almost feel pity. Phoebe: Pity this! (She hits him with her tail and pulls on a rope. A large heavy hook hits Necron and knocks him over.) Leo! I'm ready to go home now! (Leo orbs in.) Leo: I'd glad you finally came to your senses. (Necron gets up and Leo orbs out with Phoebe.) Necron: No! (He holds out his arm and two crows appear on a beam.) Go. Find the mermaid. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Phoebe and Leo are there on the couch. Leo is dabbing Phoebe's wound with a cloth.] Phoebe: Ouch. Leo: Sorry, I was a medic, not a vet. (Paige walks in holding a jug of water and a cup.) Phoebe: Oh. (She slurps it down.) Ugh, could use a little salt. Leo: That's about all I can do for you. Phoebe: Okay, well, good enough. Will one of you orb me back to the ocean please. Paige: Wait, isn't there a demon after you? (Piper walks down the stairs.) Piper: Demon? Did somebody say demon? Leo: Yeah, one chased Phoebe back home. Piper: Well, that was nice of it, welcome home. Phoebe: This isn't my home anymore. Piper: So, what about this demon? Where is it? I'd like to thank it and then kill it. Paige: Are you sure you're okay? Piper: Yeah, never better. Ready to face my fears. (She stares at a painting on the wall.) Like that painting. I hung it on the wall because I was afraid to tell Leo that it was ugly but now... (She blows it up.) No offense, honey. (She sits on the couch.) So, uh, what does this demon look like? Phoebe: Tall, dark and skeletal. Shoots electricity. Piper: Paige, we need the Book Of Shadows, can you orb it down here? Paige: You want me to use magic for household chores? I thought you had a total fear of personal gain? Piper: Ah, see, there's that word again, fear. It's very debilitating. Just do as I ask. Paige: Book Of Shadows. (The book orbs into Paige's hands and she hands it to Piper.) Phoebe: Okay, um, I told you everything I know. Can I go home now? Paige: You are home. And you're insane if you think that I am going to take you anywhere. Piper: Relax, Paige, everything will be fine. Leo: Glad you're so calm. Why are you so calm? Piper: Well, I just did as you suggested and now I feel fine. So can we save Phoebe? Phoebe: Okay, you guys, I don't need saving. Okay, all I need are my sea friends and little shiny objects and to lay on a rock and to comb out my hair. I need water. (She reaches for the jug. Piper finds Necron in the Book Of Shadows.) Piper: Got him. (Phoebe drinks straight from the jug.) Phoebe: Yeah, that's him. Leo: "Necron... A skeletal being that hovers between life and death. Has the power to incinerate any living..." Piper: Yada, yada, yada. Paige: No wonder he's after Phoebe. If mermaids are immortal and he's stuck between life and death, then immortality would place him squarely in the life column. Phoebe: Well, he can not have my immortality. Will someone please get me back to the ocean before I suffocate. I need the water! Paige: You want water? I'll get you some water. [Time lapse. Bathroom. Paige puts Phoebe in the bath.] Phoebe: You are holding me hostage! Paige: Yep, looks like it. Phoebe: Look, I am not a common goldfish. I can not ignore the call of the sea. Paige: Well, the call of the common bathtub is just gonna have to do. (Phoebe flicks water at Paige.) [Scene: Cole's apartment. Cole is on the phone, using speaker phone. He is pacing up and down the room.] Cole: Why are you being so difficult? Voice: The regulations concerning this matter are clear. We can not accept anything but the original medical report for a legal adoption. (Darryl walks in the room. ) Cole: Well, that really just doesn't work for me. (He waves his hand above the phone.) Are you absolutely sure you can't use the fax copy I sent you? Voice: Of course we can, Mr. Turner. I'll finalise the adoption immediately. Cole: Thank you. Voice: Any time. (They hang up.) Darryl: What was that? Cole: Just helping Paige cut through some red tape. Darryl: And she's okay with you using voodoo powers to cheat the system? Cole: Well, she doesn't know that I'm helping her and they're not voodoo powers. Darryl: Oh, well, what powers are you packing these days? Maybe the power to turn men into dust? Cole: What's that supposed to mean? Darryl: Three fisherman mysteriously vanished today. They left behind what medical examiners believes to be piles of bone dust. Cole: And you think I killed them? Darryl: Damn right I do. Cole: You think I killed them? Me, the guy who saved your surprising small brain from a bullet yesterday. Darryl: You don't expect me to believe that you did that for me? I'm just a pawn in your twisted scam to win Phoebe back. Cole: I realise that people's reputations precede them, but contrary to popular opinion, I am not the Source of all evil anymore. In fact, I'm not the source of any evil anymore. (He sits down.) I just want my wife back. (Darryl sits down.) Darryl: Let's pretend for a second her, just for the sake of argument, that you saved my butt because you are my friend. So as your hypothetical friend can I give you some advice? Cole: Yeah. Darryl: Don't do this to yourself. Cole: I can't help it. Darryl: You love her, I get it. And your love, it's epic. Okay. But look what it's doing to you. (Cole stands up.) Cole: Paige says she hates me. She says I should leave for good. You've known her for a long time, Darryl, what do you think? Should I leave? (Darryl stands up.) Darryl: I know you don't want to. But what you want really doesn't matter, right? Cole: Right. Darryl: Well, there you go. (Darryl leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper puts an ingredient in a pot and it explodes, blowing everything in the room to pieces. Piper is knocked backwards.] Piper: Oops. (Paige runs in.) Paige: What is going on? Are you okay? Piper: Minor setback, it's fine. (Paige grabs a fire extinguisher and puts out some small fires.) Paige: Minor setback? The room is on fire! You're supposed to be figuring out a way to vanquish Necron, not yourself. Piper: Oh, come on, we weren't using any of this junk anyway. Where's the fish girl? Paige: She's downstairs cooling off in the tub. What are you mixing up here anyway? Piper: Oh, a little burdock root and, uh, some eye of newt. Paige: What? You're never ever supposed to mix those two things together. That is a volatile combination. Piper: Well, Necron's a serious threat, we need a serious potion. Did you know in the book there's a witches be warned on skeletal beings? The last two that vanquished him, actually the only two that vanquished him, died in the process. Paige: Great, so the rate you're going you'll be number three. You know, you oughta be more careful. Piper: Hey, a good plan violently executed this week is better than a perfect plan executed next week. That's Patton. Paige: Why are you quoting Patton? Piper: So I figure if I just double the burdock root... (Piper bends down to pick something up.) Paige: Ay, no touch. I don't want you or my unborn niece around that. (Piper sighs. The doorbell rings.) You shouldn't be inhaling all this smoke when you're pregnant anyway. (Piper goes to answer the door.) Piper: Ah, Paige, you're such a worry wart. (Leo walks in.) Leo: What happened? Piper: We were just getting ready to kick some demon ass. That's what we do, right? (She hits Leo on the butt. The doorbell rings again.) I'll get it, it's probably Phoebe's interview. (Piper goes downstairs.) Paige: Well, send them away! (Leo walks over to Paige.) Don't look at me, she's your wife. Leo: Does it seem like she over came her fear a little quickly to you? Paige: I don't know. I guess it's better than her almost having a nervous breakdown like she was this morning. Leo: Not so sure. (He walks over to the wall with Piper's chalk writings on it.) Paige: What are you looking at? Leo: See if she had any help. Paige: Magical help? Piper would never do that. (She sees the fearless spell on the wall.) Oh, no, it's a fearless spell. Piper wrote a fearless spell. Phoebe: (from downstairs) Paige! [Cut to the bathroom. Piper, Phoebe, Nancy O'Dell, and a camera crew are there. Phoebe is still in the bath, but now with bubbles added.] Nancy: Gosh, I am so sorry. Your sister said we were doing the interview in the bathroom. Phoebe: Well, that should've been your first clue that my sister sprang from the shallower end of the gene pool. Piper: Oh, come on, Phoebe, you wanted fame. Go ahead and grab it. Carpe diem. Phoebe: Don't you mention Carpe around me please. Piper: I am doing you a favour. People will think you're bold and daring. What's better than a celebrity who let's do an interview in the nude? Phoebe: I can be just as fascinating with my clothes on in a TV studio, thank you. Nancy: Well, actually, you can't. My show is called "At Home With Nancy O'Dell". Piper: See? Fabulous. (Phoebe lays there in awe.) Fire away. (Piper leaves.) Phoebe: Piper. [Cut to the hallway. Piper is listening against the bathroom door. Paige and Leo walk down the hallway.] Paige: What is going on? We heard Phoebe's scream... Piper: Shh... She's doing a TV interview. Paige: In the bathtub? Piper: Don't worry she's not showing any tail. That Nancy O'Dell has like perfect teeth. Leo: You can't be serious. You're risking exposure to all of us. Piper: Now see there's your risk aversion side rearing its ugly head again. Paige: Piper, we know you cast a fearless spell. Piper: Not a fearless spell, a freedom spell. You told me to get rid of my fear so that's what I did. Leo: Yes, but you didn't get rid of it, you just suppressed it. Piper: Well, what's the difference? I'm free to be myself and to help others be themselves. Paige: Okay, but Phoebe's self is a mermaid, and that self is about to be broadcast on the six o'clock news unless we stop it fast. Piper: Now, see, you're only seeing the downside here. Paige: What's the upside? Piper: The upside is Phoebe loves her job more than anything else and doing this interview will remind her of that and help bring her to her senses. [Cut to the bathroom.] Phoebe: People are chewing entire species into extinction. Take Chilean Sea Bass. I have yet to even spot one. And swordfish for example, you might as well be munching on a bald eagle. Nancy: I, uh, I didn't realise you had such a passion for fish. Phoebe: Yeah, I do. (Piper, Paige and Leo walk in.) Paige: Okay, we're gonna have to end this now. Phoebe: It's okay, ask one more question. Nancy: Um, well, so back to your advice to lovers, it's so real, so heartfelt, especially lately. Is there a lucky guy in your life that you get your inspiration from? Phoebe: No, there's not. Nancy: Really? Then what's with all the love column? (Paige realises something.) Phoebe: I don't know. Paige: I think I do. Okay, I'm sorry, we're really going to have to wrap this up. Leo. Leo: Okay, come on, I'll show you downstairs. Nancy: But we're not finished yet. Leo: I think you are. Nancy: Oh. We'll reschedule. I'll have my people call your people, okay. Phoebe: Thanks. Nancy: Alright, bye-bye. Piper: Bye, Nance. Nancy: Bye-bye. (Leo, Nancy and her crew leave.) Piper: So how do you feel? Phoebe: Actually, thanks to you I feel free. Free from the shallowness of human pursuit. From craving wealth and fame. Now all I crave is the serenity of the sea. Paige: Ooh, good job on the fearless spell. Phoebe: What fearless spell? (The two crows fly onto a tree branch outside the window.) Piper: What the heck is their problem? (They hear a zapping noise in the hallway.) Orb Phoebe to the attic. Paige: What about you? Piper: Just do it. (Piper goes out in the hallway. Necron zaps in. Piper blows him up. She walks further down the hallway.) Okay, static man, very impressive. (Necron zaps in behind her, grabs her and then zaps back out with her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe, Paige and Leo are there. Phoebe is spraying herself with a water sprayer. Paige is writing a spell.] Leo: How long is this spell gonna take? Paige: I don't know, it's tricky, there's a lot of factors involved. Phoebe: Okay, why can't we just orb to Necron and try the vanquishing potion that Piper was working on? Paige: Because Piper was under the influence when she mixed that potion, as you can tell by the lovely remains of our burned out attic. Leo: So what happened? Paige: Well, thanks to her fearless spell she went straight to an offensive place with her explosion potion and I don't think that's the answer. Leo: Why not? It sounds good to me right now. Paige: Well, because the last two witches that vanquished skeletal beings were vapourised in the process. I think a power of three spell is our best chance of killing Necron and staying alive. Phoebe: Can you sense her? Leo: Yeah. Phoebe: Is she hurt? Leo: Who knows? All I can sense is courage. Lots and lots of courage. Phoebe: Well, don't worry, honey, he's not going to kill her, he needs her alive if he's gonna get to me. Paige: Yeah, well, we still have to hurry before Piper does something stupid, like get Nancy O'Dell an exclusive with Necron. Leo: You know, I'm beginning to wonder if this whole power of three spell is even worth it. Phoebe: What do you mean? Leo: Well, firstly, it's not really a power of three spell. It's more like a power of two and a half spell, considering you're half a witch. Secondly, I'm afraid my fearless wife won't let us interfere to take on Necron. Phoebe: She isn't exactly using her best judgment right now. Leo: I don't even know why she cast that spell, you know, I could've helped her through it. Paige: Try to see where she's coming from. She's barely been able to function and she blames herself for what happened to... Phoebe. Phoebe: What do you mean what happened to Phoebe? What happened to me is the best thing that ever happened to me. I am swimming with the dolphins now, I am basking with belugas. Paige: Uh, Leo, I actually think I've got something but I need to talk to you about it alone. Phoebe: Okay, you see? This is exactly why I love being a mermaid. There are no secrets under water, you know, there are no walls to keep you trapped. Paige: Okay, enough. Uh, Leo, downstairs. (Paige and Leo leave the attic.) Phoebe: You guys? Wait, wait, you guys. (She falls off the chair.) [Cut to the stairs.] Paige: If we orb Phoebe to the ocean, the second Necron is a pile of dust, she's outta here for good. Leo: Do we have another option? Paige: I don't know. Something Nancy O'Dell said in that interview got me thinking. What if Phoebe's heart isn't as cold as we thought. Leo: Look, we don't have time to find out. Paige: Well, let's take the time, okay. I don't wanna save one sister just to lose another. Leo: Well, I'm sorry, Paige, that is a risk that we have to take. [Cut to the attic. Phoebe is still on the floor. Paige and Leo walk in.] Phoebe: Alright, what'd you guys say about me? Paige: I said I thought you were gonna swim away the moment we save Piper. Are you? Leo: Come on, we have to hurry. (Phoebe and Paige take Leo's hand and he starts to orb out. Paige lets go of Leo's hand and he orbs out with only Phoebe.) Paige: This better work. (She runs out of the attic.) [Cut to the beach. Leo orbs in with Phoebe.] Phoebe: Where's Paige? [Scene: The cavern. Piper and Necron are there. Piper is tied to a steal rack, above the sea water.] Necron: I think we've given your sisters enough time to worry about you. Now, call for your Whitelighter. Piper: Or what? (The rack sinks down knee deep into the water.) Oh, please, please, somebody help me, the mean demon is dipping me into the water and it's really cold. Necron: Attack! (Electric eels swim past the rack and electrocutes Piper.) Piper: Is that the best you got? Necron: Again. (The eels wrap themselves around the rack and electrocute Piper. She screams.) [Cut to Cole's apartment. Paige walks in.] Paige: Cole? Cole: Paige, you don't have to break into my apartment, I'm leaving, I'm taking your advice. Paige: Don't. I've been known to give very bad advice. Cole: I beg your pardon? Paige: Phoebe needs your help. Cole: Oh, I know, that's why I'm going away. It's the best way to help her. Now, if you'll excuse me. Paige: No. (She touches his arm.) Cole: What are you doing? Paige: Please, I can't let you leave. Cole: What kind of game are you playing? Paige: I'm not playing any games. I told you, Phoebe needs your help. Cole: And you need psychological help. Paige: Okay, that's probably true, especially because I can not believe what I am about to say but I think Phoebe's still in love with you. Cole: Oh, yeah. "Phoebe hates you so much her body erupted in scales." That's what you said this morning. Paige: Okay, maybe an unfortunate choice of words. I thought Phoebe was running away because she hated you but now I think it's because she loves you. Cole: You think? Paige: It's a theory. Her advice column has been obsessed with love ever since you left. Cole: You told me to go away, Phoebe said it, Darryl said it, I get the message, now you're changing your opinion based on a theory? Paige: What if I can prove it? Cole: Only Phoebe can prove that she still loves me. Paige: You're right. "Open Phoebe's heart to Cole, reveal the secret that it holds, spring forth the passion of love's fire, that he may feel her true desire." (An orange ring of light circles Cole's head.) Cole: What'd you do? (The light hits him in the chest and disappears. He starts to cry.) Phoebe. (The light comes out of Cole and disappears.) Paige: I guess she loves you more than either of us realised. [Cut to the beach. Phoebe is basking in the sun on a rock. Leo orbs in beside her.] Leo: Paige wasn't in the manor, I don't know where the hell she is. Phoebe: Okay, well, forget her, let's go find Piper. Leo: Yeah, but she needs the power of three to take on Necron. He's hurting her again. Phoebe: He wants me, I'm going alone. Leo: No. Phoebe: Leo, I can't let anything happen to Piper and the baby. Leo: Yeah, but Phoebe... Phoebe: You wait here for Paige. I'm gonna go buy us some time. Leo: Phoebe! (Phoebe jumps in the water and swims away.) [Cut to the cavern. Piper is being electrocuted. The rack rises out of the water.] Piper: Okay, I've had enough. The treatment of me is shocking. Get it? Shocking? Necron: Do you have a death wish? Piper: You're not demon enough to kill me. You would've done it already if you were. Necron: On the contrary. I wasn't hungry until now. But it's just about my feeding time. (He holds out his hand. Phoebe comes up from under the water.) Phoebe: Let her go, it's me that you want. (The ogre shell appears in his hand.) Piper: Oh, look out, Phoebe, he's packing the sea shell. Necron: You know what this is. Phoebe: Yeah. Ogre shell. Sucks eternal life. Look, I will give you my immortality if you let my sister go. (The rack flies across the water and hits the rock wall. Piper's chains come undone and she falls to the ground.) No! (Phoebe swims over to Piper.) Necron: I promise I'll kill her unless you give me what I want first. Phoebe: Piper, are you okay? (Piper touches her bleeding stomach.) Piper: What did you do! (The ogre shells disappears and reappears on Phoebe's heart.) Necron: Keep your promise, witch. [Cut to the beach. Leo is waiting there. Paige orbs in.] Leo: Where you been? Paige: I forgot the vanquishing spell in the attic. [Cut to the cavern. Paige and Leo orb in. Leo rushes over to Piper.] Leo: Honey, it's okay, I'm here. (Necron zaps Leo and he flies across the room. Paige hides behind a statue.) Paige: Phoebe! (Necron zaps the statue.) Shell! (The shell orbs onto Necron's heart. Paige holds Piper's hand.) Piper, take Phoebe's hand. (She does so.) Prepare for a big blast. "Tide of evil wash the shore, bring it darkness evermore, with all our strength we fight this fate, make this evil obliterate." (Necron makes a huge explosion and knocks the girls across the room. Phoebe falls into the water. The rack slides into the water and drags Piper in by her foot. She frantically tries to free her foot but can't.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Cavern. Piper is still under the water. Phoebe pokes her head out of the water and sees Paige unconscious near by.] Phoebe: Paige, wake up! Paige! (She flicks water at Paige with her tail.) Wake up! (Paige gains consciousness and sits up.) Paige: No wonder those demons carry warning labels. Phoebe: Tell me about it. Paige: Leo, are you okay? Leo: Yeah, I think so. (He gets up.) Where's Piper? [Cut to Piper under the water. Patty appears under water in a bright light.] Patty: Piper, I know why you've been so afraid. You don't want to leave your baby the way I left you. But spells won't make that fear go away, only faith will. Have faith that your destiny is different than mine. Take my hand, sweetie. (She holds out her hand. Phoebe dives under the water. Patty disappears. Phoebe grabs Piper's hands. Her foot is freed from the rack and Phoebe pulls her to the top. Piper coughs.) Piper: Mum. Leo: It's okay, sweetie, it's us. Phoebe: Leo, heal her stomach. (He reaches for her wound but it heals itself.) Paige: How'd you do that? Leo: I didn't. Piper: The baby did. Phoebe: What? Piper: I guess she takes after her daddy. (They smile.) That must've been what mum meant. Phoebe: Mum? Piper: She came to me in the water. She helped me understand why I've been so afraid. I don't wanna leave my baby without a mother. Leo: You have something that she didn't. Piper: Oh, yeah, what's that? Leo: Me. Paige: And me. (They notice Phoebe gone.) Piper: But not her. What do we do? Paige: Nothing. I have a feeling she'll come back again. Leo: How do you figure? Paige: Just say I have a pretty good idea about what's going on inside of her head. [Cut to the beach. Cole is standing there with his arms outstretched and eyes closed. Phoebe magically appears lying down in front of him. He opens his eyes.] Phoebe: How did I get here? Cole: I brought you here. Phoebe: This isn't happening. This can't be happening. This goes beyond stalking. Cole: I'm not stalking you. Paige sent me. I know why you ran, Phoebe. Phoebe: You don't know anything about me. Cole: You thought you could escape into this big ocean, that the waves would wash away your pain? But they won't. Not until you admit what drove you here in the first place. Phoebe: I know what drove me here. You. Cole: Yeah, but why? And don't say because you're scared of me, because you're not. Come on, you don't want to spend eternity alone just to avoid the truth. If not for me, be honest for your own sake. Don't lose yourself because of me. Phoebe: What do you want me to say? Cole: You don't have to say anything. All you have to do to free yourself is admit how you truly feel about me. In your heart. (They are silent for a moment and Phoebe turns back into a human. He helps her up and takes off his coat.) Phoebe: How could you be so sure? (He wraps his coat around her.) Cole: I had a feeling. Phoebe: I do love you, and I always will but it doesn't change anything, it doesn't matter. It's over between us. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: South Bay Social Services. Paige is packing up her desk and putting stuff in a box. Mr. Cowan walks over to her.] Mr. Cowan: Paige, I know I've been tough on you but I don't want you to quit. You've got a real gift at helping people. Paige: Don't worry, I'm gonna keep helping people. I just don't wanna split my focus anymore. Thanks for everything. (She hugs him.) [The song "Blame It On the Weatherman" by B*Witched plays during these last scenes.] [Cut to the manor. Phoebe is sitting at the table looking at a picture of her and Cole. She puts it down and signs a Formal Notification of Divorce Action form.] [Cut to Piper's room. Piper and Leo are sitting on the bed looking at a photo. Leo gets up and walks away. Piper closes a photo album and opens another. She sticks the photo of her and Patty on a page. "Grandma and Mommy" magically appear on the page. Piper smiles and closes the book.]
Plan: A: Piper; Q: Who decides to use magic to deal with her panic attacks? A: Leo; Q: Who is the other person who tries to convince Phoebe to return to her life as a Charmed One? A: Paige; Q: Who turns to Cole for help in getting Phoebe back to her normal self? A: her mermaid form; Q: In what form does Necron try to kidnap Phoebe? Summary: Piper, Leo, and Paige try their best to convince Phoebe to return to her life as a Charmed One, only to be surprised when she swims away instead of dealing with her feelings toward Cole. As a result, Paige turns to Cole for help in getting Phoebe back to her normal self. Piper however, decides to use magic to deal with her panic attacks, and as a result, has to deal with Necron comes to kidnap Phoebe in her mermaid form, only to be kidnapped herself.
ROBOT By: Terrance Dicks First Air Date: 4 January 1975 Running time: 25:00 [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: It was oil. I knew it. ROBOT: Who are you? Why are you here? [SCENE_BREAK] WINTERS: Hello, Miss Smith. SARAH: Look out! There's a robot in there. WINTERS: Yes, I know. Don't worry, my assistant's dealing with it. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: What? WINTERS: I'm sorry if our little joke upset you. SARAH: Joke? WINTERS (OOV.): You were determined to see the robot, and so we arranged it for you. That is what you wanted, isn't it? SARAH: Oh, how very kind of you. JELLICOE: When we heard you were in the building, we guessed what you were up to. So I popped in here ahead of you and I activated it. SARAH: Is it still in there? WINTERS: Oh, yes. Would you like to see it again? SARAH: Thank you, I'd like that very much. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Well, Doctor, what are we dealing with? Invasion from outer space again? DOCTOR: Why should some alien life form invade Earth just to steal a new weapon? If they were that advanced, they'd have weapons of their own. Rather a splendid paradox, eh, Brigadier? The only ones who could do it wouldn't need to. BRIGADIER: Enemy agents? DOCTOR: Well, they might steal the plans, but why steal the circuits and the generators? An enemy government would have those resources itself. BRIGADIER: So where does that leave us? DOCTOR: I think your enemies are home-grown, Brigadier. People with access to technological information and a most unusual weapon. A weapon that walks and thinks. In a word, anthropomorphic. BRIGADIER: Well, I suppose that narrows the field a bit. Do we know anything else about these people? DOCTOR: Only that they're prepared to kill to protect themselves. Where's Sarah? [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Well, what's the hold up? WINTERS: Mr. Jellicoe is checking over the circuits. SARAH: Why is he taking so long? WINTERS: He must be sure that everything's safe. SARAH: Safe? WINTERS: Stop. SARAH: It's very impressive, but what is it for? WINTERS (OOV.): Ask it. It's voice-controlled. SARAH: What do you do? ROBOT: Insufficient data. Please be more specific. JELLICOE: It has a terribly literal mind. SARAH: Oh. What is your purpose, your function? ROBOT: I am experimental prototype Robot K1. My eventual purpose is to replace the human being in a variety of difficult and dangerous tasks. Tasks for which I am programmed are: mining operations of all kinds, operations involving radioactive materials... WINTERS: Terminate. JELLICOE: Would go on for hours. SARAH: Why all the mystery? Why didn't you just show him to me when I first came? WINTERS: My dear Miss Smith, why should we? You were a privileged visitor here. You abused that privilege to pry into matters on the secret list. SARAH: You're right, of course. I'm sorry. JELLICOE: Not a bit of it. You were simply following the instincts of a good journalist. And now, if you've seen enough... SARAH: It isn't dangerous, is it? WINTERS: Of course not. Why should it be? SARAH: Well, it just struck me that it could be a very powerful weapon if it got into the wrong hands. It could be misused. WINTERS: Like this, you mean? (To the ROBOT.)This girl is an intruder and a spy. She must not leave here alive. Destroy her. (OOV.) Destroy her. ROBOT: I cannot obey. This order conflicts with my prime directive. WINTERS (OOV.): You must obey. You are programmed to obey. ROBOT: I must obey. I cannot obey. I... I... WINTERS (OOV.): Terminate. SARAH: Another of your little jokes? WINTERS: A practical demonstration. You must admit, it was a convincing one. JELLICOE: Prime directive, you see. It's built into the robot's very being that it must serve humanity and never harm it. SARAH: That was a cruel thing to do. WINTERS: Cruel? It isn't human, you know. It has no feelings. SARAH: Oh, it's got a brain, hasn't it? It walks and talks like us. How can you be sure it doesn't have feelings, too? (To the ROBOT.) Are you all right? ROBOT: My functioning is unimpaired. SARAH: But you were distressed, I saw... ROBOT: Conflict with my prime directive causes imbalance in my neural circuits. SARAH: I'm sorry, it wasn't my idea. ROBOT: The imbalance has been corrected. It is not logical that you should feel sorrow. WINTERS: Really, Miss Smith, this is absurd. I think you must be the sort of girl that gives motor cars pet names. (To the ROBOT.) Deactivate. (To SARAH.) You see? It's just a lump of metal. SARAH: Thank you for an interesting demonstration. I think I ought to leave now. WINTERS: One moment, Miss Smith. If I were to make a formal complaint about your behavior here, you might find yourself in a very difficult position. JELLICOE (OOV.): Dangerous thing, curiosity. Can get you into a lot of trouble. WINTERS: So I'll make a bargain with you. Keep quiet about what you've discovered here, and I'll keep quiet about how you discovered it. SARAH: Goodbye, Miss Winters. Mr. Jellicoe. Oh, please, don't bother to see me out. JELLICOE: That was an appallingly dangerous thing to do. Telling it to destroy her. The inhibitor's only just been reset, you know there have been problems. Suppose it had obeyed you? WINTERS: It made an interesting test. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Where do I start looking for this precious conspiracy? DOCTOR: Oh, it's surely not that difficult, Brigadier. Oh, thank you. There can't be many groups of people in the country with the money and resources to design and build something like... SARAH: An enormous robot over seven feet tall! DOCTOR: Yeah, something like that. However did you guess? SARAH: Guess? I've just seen it. I've been talking to it. Brigadier, there's something very odd going on at Thinktank. [SCENE_BREAK] JELLICOE: Screwdriver. WINTERS: Careful. JELLICOE: Swab. JELLICOE: There. I think that's it. WINTERS: Think? You better be sure. JELLICOE: It's a delicate job. I'm not really trained in this sort of work. WINTERS: Well, we better test it. JELLICOE: This time emphasize the recall instructions. You know, it refused to return after that last business. I found it wandering near Kettlewell's place. WINTERS: How touching. Perhaps Miss Smith was right. JELLICOE: What about? WINTERS: Perhaps it does have feelings. It misses Daddy. (To the ROBOT.) Activate. Prepare for visual scanning. ROBOT: I am ready. WINTERS (OOV.): This man is an enemy of the human race. He must be destroyed. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Look, it's obvious that that Thinktank lot are involved. Why don't you just raid the place and arrest the lot of them? BRIGADIER: I very much doubt if I'd get the authority. And if I did, it'd cause so much fuss they'd have plenty of time to hide the evidence. I must have more to go on. SARAH: More than just my word, you mean? HARRY: You know, you need an inside man. BRIGADIER: What? HARRY: Well, I mean somebody planted on them to keep his eyes and ears open. SARAH: Hey, that's not a bad idea. BRIGADIER: It'd have to be someone they'd accept, someone with the proper scientific qualifications. DOCTOR: Scientific or medical. HARRY: Oh, I say, me? SARAH: Why not? Your chance to be a real James Bond. HARRY: But... BRIGADIER: Might work. We could fix you up with a cover story. HARRY: I could wear a disguise. DOCTOR: I'd like to talk to Professor Kettlewell. [SCENE_BREAK] KETTLEWELL: I tell you, as I told this young woman, I know nothing about the Thinktank and its activities. I severed all connections with them... SARAH: But I saw the robot. KETTLEWELL: What's that? No, that's impossible. I gave orders for him to be dismantled. BRIGADIER: Professor Kettlewell, this is an official inquiry and I... KETTLEWELL: Would you kindly put those papers down, sir? DOCTOR: Plans for a new solar battery. KETTLEWELL: That folder's private and confidential. DOCTOR: This will never do. KETTLEWELL: There are many years... DOCTOR: If theta over X coincides with your disputed factor, you're losing half your output. KETTLEWELL: Oh, rubbish. I checked all the calculations... DOCTOR: The error's in the third part of the calculation. KETTLEWELL: Bless my soul. DOCTOR: But you're doing vital work, Professor. Earth's human race should have started tapping solar power long ago. KETTLEWELL: This new solar battery will provide an endless supply of pollution-free energy at a fraction of the present cost, and they haven't the wit to see it. DOCTOR: Well, there you are. KETTLEWELL: Yes, I've explained it to them over and over and over again till I'm blue in the face. DOCTOR: People never can see what's under their noses and above their heads. BRIGADIER: Concerning this robot... KETTLEWELL (To the BRIGADIER.): You be quiet, young man. (To the DOCTOR.) You know, ever since the days of Galileo... DOCTOR: And Copernicus. KETTLEWELL: And Copernicus, scientists have had to... DOCTOR: Professor, I think you ought to tell us about the robot. Yes. KETTLEWELL: It was the last project I worked upon before I decided to leave. I gave orders for him to be dismantled. It was like putting my own son to death. I thought it was for the best. His power, his capacity to learn, had begun to frighten me. SARAH: But it wasn't destroyed, was it? KETTLEWELL: I don't know. That woman, Winters, might have countermanded my orders. BRIGADIER: Could the robot have been made to carry out these break-ins? KETTLEWELL: No, no. You say that people were hurt, even killed? BRIGADIER: Yeah. KETTLEWELL: Oh, it is out of the question. (To SARAH.)You said he refused to harm you, didn't you? Yes, well... I gave him my own brain pattern. He has my principles, my ideals. DOCTOR: But the circuitry you built could be altered or tampered with. KETTLEWELL: Doctor, not even I could effect such a change. As for Jellicoe and Miss Winters, they're incompetent nincompoops. SARAH: Maybe, but I wouldn't put it past them to try. KETTLEWELL: If they force him to go against his prime directive, they'll destroy his mind. He'll go mad. [SCENE_BREAK] ROBOT: You are an enemy of humanity. I must destroy you. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: There was a triple-security thermo-lock on that safe, made from case-hardened Dynastreem. It was completely disintegrated. DOCTOR: Disintegrated? SARAH: But there's nothing that could do that. Dynastreem's indestructible. DOCTOR: I think the Brigadier has an idea, eh, Alastair? BRIGADIER: Anyway, the neighbors heard a commotion, but by the time the police arrived, it was all over. The safe was empty. DOCTOR (OOV.): Who was this man? BRIGADIER (OOV.): Joseph Chambers, Cabinet Minister. BRIGADIER: He had certain special responsibilities in the area of security. I've been carrying out a full security check on these Thinktank people. DOCTOR: Anything interesting? BRIGADIER: No, not really. They seem to be an exemplary lot. Just one oddity. Quite a few of them were members of something called The Scientific Reform Society. DOCTOR: Oh, really? And who might they be? BRIGADIER: A little tin-pot organization founded years ago. It wants to reform the world on rational and scientific lines, you know that sort of thing. Harmless bunch of cranks if you ask me. Recently... DOCTOR: Yes, go on, then. BRIGADIER: Well, they've had a sudden rush of new members. Quite a few well-known scientists. Younger people, too, computer technicians and so on. SARAH: Is Miss Winters a member? BRIGADIER (OOV.): Apparently, and Jellicoe, too, and quite a few of the Thinktank lot. SARAH: Doesn't sound their style, does it? DOCTOR (OOV.): No. SARAH: Oh, well. BRIGADIER: Where you off to? SARAH: Home to bed. Busy day tomorrow. Still a working girl, you know. BRIGADIER (OOV.): Yes, quite right, too. You leave all this business to us. SARAH: One thing about reform societies, they're never adverse to a bit of free publicity. BRIGADIER: Well, Doctor, what do you think... Doctor, what are we going to do? Or shall we leave it all to Miss Smith? DOCTOR: Let's pay a visit to Thinktank tomorrow, Brigadier. We can ask them to demonstrate Professor Kettlewell's robot. Good night. [SCENE_BREAK] KETTLEWELL: Hello? KETTLEWELL: Rats. ROBOT: I... I... I... KETTLEWELL: What's the matter? ROBOT: I have been given orders that conflict with my prime directive. KETTLEWELL: Oh, no. ROBOT: They say there is no conflict. Yet I know there is conflict. I do not understand. Help me. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: As I understand it then, Mr. Short, you advocate rule by a sort of self-appointed elite. SHORT: It's only logical. Superior types should rule, they're the best equipped for it. SARAH: And the inferior types? SHORT: They'd be guided, helped. Kept away from harmful ideas and influences. For instance... SARAH (OOV.): Do go on. SHORT: Your own attire, is it really suitable? SARAH: Trousers? Oh, surely that's a matter for me to decide. SHORT: As things are at the moment, it is. But in a more rationally ordered society... SARAH: I would wear what you thought was good for me? I see. And think what you thought was good for me, too? SHORT: It'd be for your own good. SARAH: Oh, I see you're having a meeting here tonight. Do you think it'd be possible for me to come? SHORT: Sorry, out of the question. Private meeting, members only, no press. SARAH: But if I joined? SHORT: I really don't think you qualify. We have very high standards. SARAH: Well, thank you so much for your time, Mr. Short. And for telling me your most interesting ideas. SHORT: I do hope you'll include us in your article. We have been sadly misrepresented. SARAH: Really? Well, we're covering a number of fringe organizations, and I'm sure we'll find a place for you, somewhere between the flying saucer people and the flat-earthers. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Can't thank you enough for the visit, it's been most amusing. WINTERS: I suppose it all seems very elementary to a scientist of your standing, Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes, it does rather, but never mind. You've got to start somewhere. But there is one thing I'm looking forward to. Professor Kettlewell's robot. It's in here, isn't it? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Come on, then. Where is your Tin Man? WINTERS: I'm afraid I must disappoint you, Doctor. DOCTOR: Oh, dear. I do so hate being disappointed. I was determined to see that robot. WINTERS: We had to dismantle it. DOCTOR: What? And such a harmless creature, too? WINTERS (OOV.): After the visit of your friend, Miss Smith, it became unstable. WINTERS: She introduced it to concepts it was not equipped to deal with. DOCTOR: What? Concern, compassion, useless things like that? WINTERS: We decided it would be safer to follow Professor Kettlewell's original instructions. DOCTOR (OOV.): Now, that is a pity. You see, one of our problems, Miss Winters, is that... DOCTOR: Oh, I say! You haven't still got the bits, have you? Maybe I could put it together again. I'm really rather good at that sort of thing. WINTERS: We have our own furnaces in the basement. The robot has been utterly destroyed. BRIGADIER: I could get authority to search. WINTERS: You might find that difficult, Brigadier, but I won't stand on formalities. Search, by all means, if you wish. DOCTOR: In that case, I'm sure we needn't bother. Come along, Brigadier. Miss Winters has a great deal to do. JELLICOE: Miss Winters, there's a visitor. (To the DOCTOR.)I'm sorry. WINTERS: Would you forgive me? DOCTOR: Please, don't let us detain you. WINTERS: Philips will show you the short cut back to your car. DOCTOR: You know, I have a feeling we shall meet again. Come along, Brigadier. [SCENE_BREAK] JELLICOE: Did they believe you? WINTERS: Of course not. But it doesn't matter. By the time they can act, it will be too late. JELLICOE: Someone from the Ministry of Health has just turned up. Apparently under some obscure regulation they've just remembered, we have to have a complete check-up on the medical records of our staff here. WINTERS: What an odd coincidence at a time like this. JELLICOE: Director, this is Doctor Sullivan from the Ministry. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Did you believe them? DOCTOR: No, of course not. They know I didn't. And I know that they know I didn't, and they know that I know that... BRIGADIER: Yes, all right, Doctor. All right. So where is the robot? DOCTOR: Either it's wandered off somewhere by itself or they've hidden it. BRIGADIER: I see. Well, I must be off. Got to try and persuade the Minister to let me raid Thinktank. What are you gonna do? Oh, no, don't tell me, more thinking. DOCTOR: I beg your pardon, Brigadier, I was just thinking. (On the phone.) Yes? Yes, of course I'll talk to him. I'll talk to anybody. Professor Kettlewell? Yes, this is the Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] KETTLEWELL: Doctor, you've got to help me. The robot has come to my house. I've got him hidden, but he's very unstable. I may not be able to control him. We must keep him out of the hands of those Thinktank people, they've driven him almost insane. Yes, at my house. I'll be waiting at the gate. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Oh, I like that. What is it? BENTON: That's a promotion, miss, to WO1 . SARAH: WO what? BENTON: Warrant Officer. You see, technically speaking, the Brig should have a major and a captain under him. The UNIT budget won't run to it, so they settled on promoting me. SARAH: Congratulations. About time, too. BENTON: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Doctor, I went to see those SRS... Oh, no. (Reading.) "Sarah, Professor Kettlewell tells me that he has the robot hidden at his house. Gone to meet him. PS. It is of course possible that this message is a trap. If it is, I can deal with it. PPS. I'm leaving this note in case I can't." Oh, the idiot! He thinks he can cope with anything. BENTON: Right, we better get after him. I'll get some men. SARAH: I'll see you there. BENTON: Wait for us. We'll go together. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Professor Kettlewell? Professor Kettlewell? Professor? ROBOT: You are the Doctor? DOCTOR: How do you do? I've been so looking forward to meeting you. ROBOT: Please confirm your identity. There must be no mistake. You are the Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, yes, of course. ROBOT: You are an enemy of the human race. I must destroy you. Please do not resist. I do not wish to cause you unnecessary pain. DOCTOR: How very kind of you. DOCTOR: Prime directive. What is your prime directive? ROBOT: I must serve humanity and never harm it. DOCTOR: Then you mustn't harm me. I'm a friend of humanity. ROBOT: No, you are an enemy. You must be destroyed. DOCTOR Mouths silently.: Extraordinary.
Plan: A: the electronic component thefts; Q: What do the Doctor and Sarah believe Think Tank is behind? A: another raid; Q: What do Think Tank carry out after the thefts? Summary: The Doctor and Sarah become convinced Think Tank are behind the electronic component thefts but are unable to stop them carrying out another raid.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Landok comes through the portal. Lorne: "Landok? Is that you?" Cordy: "Does that mean that the tow of you are..?" Lorne: "Cousins, yeah." Librarian: "Fred disappeared five years ago. They never found her." Cordy: "The vision! This Book! I think this is how we send him back. The portal works both ways." Landok gets sucked back home through the portal. Wesley: "Cordy?" Angel: "Cordelia!" Wesley: "Cordy's been sucked into the portal. She's in the host's dimension now." Lorne: "They have *no* music there. Cordy is in a very bad place." Fred: "They use you as a slave and then your body gives..." Narwek: "Fugitive!" Fred: "Oh no!" Fred gets captured. The guys jump through the portal in Angel's car. Angel: "Why am I not on fire?" Wesley: "Well, it is another dimension." Vakma: "My cow is cursed!" Cordy: "I don't know anything about a curse, okay? I just have these visions." Silas: "She is indeed cursed with the sight." They guys are standing in front of Narwek in the village square, bound. Narwek: "For the crime of assault - you are to be detained in the dungeon until our royal highness passes sentence upon you." Angel: "One - two..." The guys attack the guards as they are being lead in, then freeze as someone clears their throat. Cordy: "Hi guys!" Wesley: "Cordelia?" Gunn: "No way!" Angel: "You're - safe." Cordy: "Little bit. They made me their ruler." The soldiers pull the boys to their feet. Wesley: "But this is fantastic!" Cordy: "Well, it's not like my throne couldn't use a few extra cushions, but I'm really not gonna complain because - throne?" Wesley and Gunn hold up their chained wrists. Wesley: "You could order them to release us!" Cordy: "Yes. I really could." Narwek: "Shall we gut the cows now that you might dine on their ignoble flesh, oh most high?" Cordy: "You're most high if you think that's gonna happen. Besides, shouldn't there be some extended groveling first?" Angel: "Cordelia?" Cordy: "Okay. - Off with their heads!" Some of the guards draw their swords to obey as the guys flinch in the hold of the rest of them. Cordy: "Just kidding." The guards freeze with the blades only inches away from the guys' throats. Intro Narwek helps Cordy down the steps in front of her throne. Narwek: "Your Majesty, I must protest. To allow dangerous criminals to roam free in your presence?" Cordy: "You're gonna make me use my 'important voice' aren't you? - Leave us!" The people in the room slowly file out and shut the door behind them. Cordy holds her arms open for a hug, and steps towards the guys (who are no longer chained). Wes, Gunn and Lorne hurry towards her. Wes: "Oh, thank god!" Then past her. Gunn: "Yes! Food!" Lorne: "I thought we'd never see food again!" They dig into the platters of fruit sitting on a shelf behind the throne. Cordy turns to stare at them. Angel: "What happened?" Cordy turns to face him: "What's it look like? They jabbed me with hot pokers for a while and then (smiles) made me a princess." Wesley (with his mouth full): "It doesn't make sense, does it? I mean, in a world where humans are slaves and chattel - why would they elevate one to monarch?" Lorne: "You had a vision, didn't you, pudding?" Cordy: "Uhm, yeah. And can I just say - visions? Not getting any easier. I mean, I'm still kind of vibrating - though *that* could be from the hot pokers." Lorne: "See there? She had a vision. That explains it." Gunn: "It does?" Lorne: "Well, see there is this prophecy." Angel: "A prophecy? Great. Because those always go well." Lorne goes to lounge on the throne. Lorne: "Well the priests that have been running this mess for the last several millennia, the Covenant of Trombli - humorless bunch. Anyway, they teach of a coming messiah." Cordy goes up and pushes Lorne's feet off the arm of the throne and looks at him. Lorne gets up to let Cordy sit down. Lorne: "The cursed one. A being with the pure sight, who one day will claim the throne and restore the monarchy." Wesley: "When you say 'pure sight'..." Lorne: "I mean a direct link to the powers that be. I mean her!" Gunn starts laughing and Cordy turns to glare at him. Gunn: "She's the messiah?" Cordy: "It could happen." Wesley: "It *has* happened. At least that's what these Trombli believe. And so long as they do, we might actually stand a chance of surviving this place long enough to find our way out." Cordy: "How did you get in?" Gunn: "The same way you did: opened a portal with the book." Wesley: "We, ah, seem to have misplaced it though." Cordy: "The portal or the book?" Gunn: "Both." Cordy: "I don't know about portals, but they've got books here. Those trombonal guys? They used some when they swore me in." Wesley: "I've got to see those." Cordy: "In kind of in a hurry to get back to the 'Cordelia is not a princess' dimension, aren't you?" Gunn: "Okay, but say we *do* find the instructions, don't we still need one of those inter dimensional hotspots?" Wesley: "Yes, that's true. - Angel." They all turn to look at Angel and Cordy gasps as she sees that he is standing in front of a mirror - checking out his reflection. Cordy jumps off her throne and hurries over to him. Cordy: "He's reflecting!" Wesley: "Yes the metaphysical laws which govern our world don't seem to apply here." Gunn: "He can walk in the sun, too." Angel is looking at himself and feeling his hair, trying to push it down. Angel: "Okay - this is because of going through the portal, right?" Cordy: "No. It always looks like that." Angel turns to look at them. Wesley: "Angel, while we search for the proper incantation, it might save time if you go with the host. Hit the streets, see if you can document any - portal activity." Angel: "I don't get it." Wesley: "Well, the host knows this world, we need to ascertain if..." Angel turns back to the mirror: "No, I mean why didn't anybody tell me about this? Look it's..." Plays with his hair again. Cordy: "Uh. You look good." Angel checking himself out in the mirror again: "You're not just saying that, are you?" Wesley pulls him away from the mirror. Wesley: "Angel, please! Go with the host. (Angel bobs to look past Wes at the mirror, and Wes moves with him in an effort to stay in his line of sight) Track down his cousin Landok. Speak to his family and find out..." Lorne: "Whoa, whoa, back up, back up. You want me to talk to my family? On purpose?!" Wesley: "Well, it's that - or face the possibility of *never* returning to our own dimension again." Lorne sighs then pulls Angel (still staring at himself in the mirror) towards the door. Lorne: "Come on, gorgeous, you can stare at yourself in my grandmother's glass eye. Oh, and while we're here it's just Lorne, okay? To the people of Pylea a host is just one more thing to lay your eggs in." Angel: "Yeah, yeah, fine. Hey, can we get my coat?" They leave. Wesley: "The books Cordelia, can you get us access?" Cordy: "Am I not the princess?" One of the red robbed priests is pacing in a room where Silas is sitting at a table. Barshon: "To allow her to wear the crown is a sacrilege!" Silas: "She is cursed. She has the sight. We all agree." Barshon: "Not all. - Why would the powers choose as their vessel this craven beast?" Silas: "It doesn't matter why. She is our sovereign now and no harm must come to her. At least not until after the Com-shuk. If the princess survives the Com-shuk, *then* you may have her head, Barshon. But not before." Angel and Lorne are hitching a ride on the back of one of the pasty faced villager's donkey carts. They jump off as the cart passes in front of the dwelling of Lorne's family. Lorne: "Boy. I'd give my left horn to not have to do this." We see a group of Lorne's relatives, apparently engaged in some kind of horse play, in front of their dwelling. Lorne: "Hi-de-ho!" The big figure in the middle of the gathering turns around to look towards them. Unlike the other demons of Lorne's kind we've seen so far, this one sports a full beard in addition to the usual attributes of his race. Lorne: "Guess who's back." Bearded demon: "Krevlorneswath? - Can it be true? I've often prayed that I might look again upon your face." Lorne: "Well, you're in luck then." The bearded demon spits in Lorne's face. Bearded demon: "You have shamed our clan and betrayed your kind." Lorne dabs at the spit with a handkerchief. Lorne: "Thanks, mom." Angel's head snaps up and he mouths 'mom?' Mom: "Each morning before I feed I go out into the hills where the ground is thorny and parched, beat my breast and curse the loins that gave birth to such a cretinous boy-child!" Lorne spreading his hands: "My mother." Mom: "Your father was right. We ate the wrong son." Lorne: "Well, enough of this sentimental reminiscing. Just a couple of quick questions, then I'll skeddadle. You remember back around five years ago when I first disappeared - did you notice anything - odd?" Mom: "We noticed feasting and celebrations. Your brother Numfar did the dance of joy for three moons. Numfar! Do the dance of joy." Numfar (who is, btw played by no other but Joss Whedon himself) starts some weird dance routine, which includes some kicks and hops as well as tapping himself repeatedly on the head. Lorne: "Actually what I meant was more along the lines of a strange flashing, kind of a weird pulsating... (aside to Angel) You remember when I said we didn't have music in my world? Wish I could say the same about the dancing. (Back to his mom) lights. Really you couldn't have missed it. Big, bendy, swirly..." Mom: "No longer do the dance of joy, Numfar!" Lorne: "Nothing like that at all then." Mom: "Now take your cow and get off my lawn!" Landok: "That is no cow." Landok pushed Lorne rudely out of the way and claps Angel on the shoulder. Landok: "My friend! It is good to see you again. I would have perished in your strange world were it not for your bravery." Angel shifts on his feet and throws a look over at Lorne. Mom: "You know Krevlorneswath's cow?" Landok: "He's Angel! The brave and noble drokken killer." Angel: "Just Angel is really..." Landok: "He is as valiant and courageous a warrior as I have ever known." Mom: "Then he shall be welcome in our home and we shall will him. (Lorne's mouth drops open) Numfar! Do the dance of honor." Numfar launches into another series of leaps and gestures, including the bunny-hop. Lorne: "Landok, hi. Say, the drokken killer and I have a few itty-bitty portal queries and then we'll..." Two relatives come up and pull Angel's coat off. Landok: "We shall adorn my gallant friend in raiments befitting a warrior, that our neighbors may know of his valor." Angel watching them take his coat into the house: "Uh, guys - no wire hanger because that's leather!" Two other are dropping a necklace around his neck and drape an elaborate cape over his shoulders. Angel: "Oh. Guys, hey, - all this isn't really... (Another relative holds a mirror up in front of him) Nice! He-hey!" Looks over at Lorne while adjusting the cape. Landok: "Come! You will be our guest of honor at the village feast. There you will tell the tale of your bravery and courage against the vicious drokken." Landok leads a smiling Angel away. Angel: "Hey, now, about the hair - do you think that..." Lorne shakes his head and looks over at Numfar, still hopping around. Lorne: "Why, it's the homecoming I always dreamed of." Follows the others, leaving the dancing Numfar behind. Wesley is sitting at a table in the castle library reading a book. Gunn: "You actually read this stuff?" Wesley: "Hmm. It resembles certain demonic languages with which I'm - familiar, but - whole passages appear to be missing." Cordy is looking at another book and Wesley spots the head of the animal engraved on its cover. Wesley: "Fascinating. A hart." Cordy: "It's not a heart, it's a bambi. And we expect him to read this teeny tiny print?" Wesley: "No not h-e-a-r-t, h-a-r-t. A male red deer or staggard. Often associated with rural mysticism." Gunn: "Yeah, they all got animals on them. Probably just a bunch of demon bedtime stories." Wesley looks at the three books lying open in front of him on the desk. Wesley: "Of course! The holy books are written in Trionic." Cordy: "What?" Wesley: "No one volume is complete without the other two. - Uhm. I-It's really one book broken up into three pieces." Cordy: "Like a trilogy." Wesley: "No. No. Much more complex than that. See this passage here (points at the first book), it continues in this volume here (points at the second) then concludes in this one (points at the third). The rhythm of the sentence structure - lets one know when to jump from book, to book, to book." Gunn: "Anything about the portals?" Wesley: "Impossible to say. It will take me some time to decipher them I'm afraid." Cordy: "Starting to bore the princess." Wesley: "Though I do seem to be finding references to the cursed one." Cordy: "Really? There is stuff about messiah me?" Wesley: "Com-shuk." Cordy: "Huh?" Wesley: "Contextually a - a verb." Cordy: "Something I'm going to do?" Wesley: "With a 'groosalug'" Cordy: "What does that mean?" Wesley: "I have no idea." Gunn: "Sounds dirty if you ask me." Cordy: "Nobody did." Gunn: "Look. Why don't we just get somebody who knows this stuff to tell us what it means?" Cordy: "Like who?" Gunn: "Like one of them priests the host was talking about. These books belong to them, right?" Wesley closed the middle book and sees that it has the head of a male sheep engraved on its cover. Cordy: "Well, yeah." Gunn: "Look, you're the one going on and on about how you're the princess. Can't you just make them translate 'em for us?" Wes closes the second book. It has a wolf's head on the cover. Cordy: "I guess I could. Yeah. Why not? Princess, not really taking a vote, is she?" Wes looks down at the images on the covers of the three books, rearranges their order. Cordy: "I'll make a decree." Gunn looks down as well: "Wolf - ram..." Wesley: "And hart. - I'm not sure the priests can be trusted." The host is sitting on the side of the Village Square drinking as Angel is recounting some of his exploit to a group of kids. Angel: "...and the scroll is just tipping from his fingertips, and his eyes lighting with fierce determination, and then whack! (Angel makes a chopping motion and some of the kids jump) I chopped off the evil lawyer-beast's hand and he screamed and he screamed and then I left." There are appreciative exclamations and applause from the crowd and with a smile Angel gets up and jumps through a gap in the circle of children at his feet and walks over to Lorne. Lorne: "Well, you're just a regular Hans Christian Tarantino, aren't you?" Angel smiles up at him. Lorne: "We should probably be getting back to the palace." Angel's smile slowly fades. Angel: "I really hate to disappoint the kids. They seem to be enjoying this." Lorne: "Nice to be seen as a hero without all the pesky moral ambiguities you get back home, isn't it?" Angel: "Yeah. - Maybe it is a little." Lorne: "They see you a certain way. You start to see yourself that way. You become that image. I get it. I do. Because I know how they see me! Can we go?" Landok comes over and claps Angel on the shoulder. Landok: "Angel. You must again tell the tale of the sorcerer who could remove his limbs and reassemble at will!" Lorne: "Right! Right. Because that's a good one." Landok see two demons position a square block on the little platform in the middle of the square. Landok: "Ah! It is time for the Bach-nal. (Grabs Angel by the front of his cape and shakes him) Angel, you shall swing the Crebbil!" Angel grins and shrugs: "Yeah? Okay." Lorne almost chokes on his drink. Lorne: "The Crebbil? The creb... Angel, Angel!" But Angel is already halfway across the square, Landok's arm draped around his shoulders. Wesley hurries after Cordy as she enters the throne room. Wesley: "Cordelia, you must listen to me!" Cordy: "No, Wesley, I think I've heard enough. (Goes to sit on her throne) You want me to go back to where we'd be slaves? Sorry, don't see the upside to that." Wesley: "Cordelia, there are forces at work here. You don't know who these priests are. Or what it is they serve!" Cordy: "Look, you wanna go, go! But I have to stay here and - be a princess." Wesley: "And com-shuk with a groosalug?" Cordy: "Better than shoveling demon horse poo!" Silas, followed by two other priests, walks in through the open double doors. Silas: "Majesty. - Is everything alright?" Cordy says yes at the same time as Wesley says no. Gunn: "Yo, priesty, what's the four-one-one on this groosalug? (Cordy throws her hands up) What's that about?" Silas: "Have you had a vision, Majesty?" Wesley: "Yes. - Yes, she has had a vision. So... you may as well be candid with her. (Goes to stand next to Cordy) Or she'll know." Gunn goes to join them, wagging his finger at Silas in passing. Gunn: "No lying to the messiah now!" Silas: "Clearly her majesty has seen the groosalug because it has been summoned from the scum pits of Ur..." Cordy: "Scum pits?" Silas: "...and will arrive before night fall." Cordy: "So that's the really close scum pits then." Silas: "Everyone is very anxious for her majesty to com-shuk with the groosalug." Cordy: "Of course! Why wouldn't they be? (Points at Wes and Gunn) Now these two? They didn't even know what the com-shuk was. - You tell them!" Silas: "The com-shuk is a mating ritual." Gunn aside to Cordy: "I told you it was dirty." Cordy: "Yes. Exactly. The mating ritual - which is - great? (Laughs) It's been a really long times since I've had - a good com-shuk. So, uhm, (gets up) I'm just gonna run out for a minute - because I wanted to - ah, get it a gift! (Walks down the steps, turns and backs towards the open doors) And you know, groosalugs, hard to buy for. (Bumps into two priests, blocking the door) So, ah, - I should hurry." Silas: "I'm must insist you do not leave the palace, majesty. The rebels are about. There are rumblings." Cordy slowly walking with Silas back towards her throne: "Rebel rumblings." Silas: "We doubled the palace guard." Cordy: "Doubled, huh? Uh-huh. - But you will tell me when the groosalug gets here?" Silas bowing: "Yes of course, your majesty." Cordy steps back up to her throne: "Okay then. Well. Uh, you can go now." Silas: "Thank you, your majesty." Silas bows and back away, then all three priests leave the room shutting the doors behind them. Cordy: "Let's get the hell out of here." Lorne is looking for some way to get to Angel, but he is being lifted by two green demons and carried around the square. There are shouts of 'bring the crebbil!' Lorne from behind the wall of demons: "Angel! Angel." Angel smiles at Fred and gives her a little wave as she is being lead between to other demons towards the little platform. Angel is deposited on the platform. Lorne is bobbing up and down behind his mom and waving his hand in the air, still trying to get Angel's attention as he surveys the crowd. Some one pushes a battle-ax into Angel hands and Angel grabs it reflexively. Landok: "Strike quickly and true, Angel, then we can eat." Angel looks down and sees that Fred is kneeling beside him, her head resting on the block that was set up there earlier. He looks from her to the ax in his hands. Break Everyone is watching Angel up on the platform. Angel quietly: "You expect me to..." Mom: "Sever the cow's head from its body!" Fred quietly repeating over and over: "Make it quick. Make it quick." Landok: "It is a great honor to swing the crebbil at the bach-nal." Angel lowers the ax and pulls off the necklace and cape. Voice: "What is he doing?" Angel quietly: "You want me to kill her?" Mom: "The cow is a runaway. A scavenger, that sneaks down from the hills and plunders our food stores." Angel looks down at Fred. Angel: "She was probably hungry." Landok: "Will you not swing the crebbil?" Angel pulls Fred up: "Only if you force me to." Lorne: "Here we go." Lorne takes deep gulp from his mug. Angel pushes Fred a little behind him, holding the ax up in front of him. Angel: "Okay. We're gonna back up nice and slow and these nice folk are..." Mom: "Stop them!" Angel: "...are gonna kill us!" One green horned warrior jumps up on the platform and Angel pushes him off. Another one follows and Angel kicks him back down. Lorne: "Stop!" Angel stops to look over at him as Lorne starts to sing: "...in the name of love - before you break my heart..." All around the square demons are moaning and screaming in pain, covering their ears with their hands. Singing the host slowly walks through the crowd towards the platform as if he was in his club back on earth. Landok: "What strange sorcery is this?" Angel picks Fred up in his arms and jumps off the platform while Lorne steps on top of it still singing. Mom: "It burns! It burns!" Mom drops face down to the ground. Angel runs over to one of the horses the guards ride and jumps into its empty saddle, then motions to Fred. Angel: "Come on!" Fred grabs a hold of his hand and he pulls her up behind him. Angel turns the horse just as two guards in a chariot pulled by two horses come charging into the square. Lorne see them coming towards him, one leaning out over the side holding a mace. Lorne: "...think it o... Shi..!" The mace catches him square in the middle and the screen goes dark. Wes and Gunn are sneaking along a deserted corridor in the castle. Wesley to Cordy: "Hurry up." Cordy striding after them, her hands full of jewels and other stuff like that. Cordy: "If you ever find a way to get us out of here, I want you to find me a dimension where some demons *doesn't* want to impregnate me with its spawn! Is that just too much to ask? What is it about me anyway? Do I put out some kind of come 'shuk' me vibe? I mean, you'd tell me, right?" Wes and Gunn are pulling a stone trap door in the floor open to reveal some nauseous liquid sloshing around at the bottom of it. Cordy: "Okay. Smells like I'll be mating with the groosalug." Gunn has backed away from the opening. Wes drops the arm he had been holding in front of his nose and turns to Cordy. Wesley: "You can do this, Cordelia. The sewage empties out beyond the castle. It's our only sure bet. Just - hold your breath." Cordy: "Why can't we use the front door?" Gunn: "You really think you'd be able to get your booty out the front door?" Cordy: "Hey!" Gunn indicates the stuff she's carrying: "That booty." Cordy: "Oh. I just wanted a little something to remember my reign by. Is that so wrong?" Wes helps Gunn to drop down into the sewer. Gunn groaning: "Ooh - god." Wesley holding out his hands to Cordy: "Come on." Cordy wrinkling up her face: "You first." With a sigh Wes drops down into the sewer. A heartfelt 'eew!' echoes up. Cordy eyes the opening then slowly maneuvers herself into place to climb down. Silas: "We've been looking for you, your majesty." Cordy looks up and sees a couple of priests as well as several guards. Silas: "Someone must speak to the servants about leaving that door open." One of the guards shuts it. Cordy straightening up: "Uh. Yeah. It's kind of whiffy in there. (Looks down at the stuff she is carrying) Oh. Ah. I just thought I would have this stuff - appraised!" Silas: "Your majesty, the groosalug approaches." Cordy: "Oh. - Good." Gunn and Wes come out of an opening in the castle walls that is half obscured by foliage, looking a bit grubby. Wes is coughing into the sweater he was using to cover his mouth and nose against the stench. Gunn looks back towards the opening. Wesley: "She didn't make it." Gunn: "Now what?" Wesley: "We find Angel." Angel and Fred are riding double through what looks like low mountain country. Angel looks around then pulls the horse to a stop, slides off, and helps Fred down. Angel: "I don't think they followed us. We should probably stay on foot. In case they try to track us down. (Gives the now riderless horse a push to get it going) Come on." Turns to Fred and finds her staring at him. Angel: "You okay?" Fred claps a hand to the side of her head. Fred: "Handsome man - saved me from the monsters." Angel looks at her with a slight frown. Fred: "Bye." With that she runs off. Angel: "Hey. Wait a minute." Hurries after her. Fred runs through a wooded area, past a boulder. Runs up then slowly makes his way along the boulder and into a cave. (Nice guitar/woodwind score music playing here.) Finds Fred (now wearing a pair of crooked glasses) busily adding to the carved symbols covering the walls of the cave. Angel: "Hello?" Fred hesitates for a moment then continues to write. Angel looks around the cave. Angel: "Hey, great place." Slowly crosses the cave. Angel: "You don't have to be afraid of me. Really. I-I'd never..." He comes up on a small pool of water and his attention is captured by his reflection in it. Angel: "...hurt you?" Fred glances back at him, the quickly turns back to her carving. Angel: "So, ah... So, you don't wanna talk to me?" Fred: "I can't, huh?" Angel: "Why won't you?" Fred: "Because - you're not real. - Or I'm not real. *Somebody* here isn't real and I suspect it's you. So if you're not real, that means that my head came off back there and that I'm dead now. Dead. And with me being dead and you not being real I can hardly be expected to have some big conversation with you at the moment, because it's just a little too much pressure, alright?!" Angel holds up his hands: "Okay. Okay." Fred nods and turns back to her writing. Angel: "What's that you're doing?" Fred looks up at the stuff covering the walls. Some of it looks like the words form the book that opened the portal, other stuff resembles mathematical formulas. Fred: "Uhm, I think I saw it in a dream." Angel: "You've been here a long time." Fred: "Always. - Not always." Angel spots something. Picks it up. It's a California drivers license for one Winifred Burke, living in Los Angeles, brown hair, 5'6", 114 pounds, expiration date 03-01-98. Fred turns around with a smile: "I had a dream. I had a name." Angel reads the license: "Winifred." Fred hurries over and pulls the license out of his hand. Angel: "You're the girl from Cordy's vision!" Fred: "What?" Angel: "They called you Fred. You were studying to be a physicist." Fred: "That's my dream." Angel: "You disappeared from a library in Los Angeles five years ago." Fred shakes her head: "Stop it." Angel: "It's not a dream, Fred." Fred: "It's not?" Angel: "No." Fred: "And my head's still on?" Angel gently pushes her glasses back up onto the bridge of her nose. Angel: "Yeah." Fred smiles: "You're real?" Angel smiles and nods. Fred's smile melts into a frown and she starts to shake her head as she moves a few steps away from Angel. Fred: "No. No, I don't want you to be real." Angel: "Why?" Fred turning back to face him: "Because! You're nice, and you saved me. And bad things will happen to you here. (Shakes her head and looks down, twisting her fingers together) Bad things always happen here." Angel: "No, no, no. Nothing bad's gonna happen. I-It's gonna be okay. We-we can take you out of here." Fred: "We?" Angel: "Yeah. Me and my friends. We-we're working on a way to get out of here. We can take you back." Fred: "Can't get back. There is no back." Angel: "No, there is. If we can open the portal..." Fred hurries closer: "The portal! She fell through the portal!" Angel: "Who did?" Fred: "That other girl. I couldn't save her. I was arrested. They got her. She's a slave. She'll die!" Angel: "Oh. Cordy. No, she's fine. They made her a princess." Fred: "They... Really? - Oh. (Looks down) When I got here they... They didn't do that. - Well. That's nice for her." Cordy is sitting on her throne. A girl is polishing the nails on her right hand. Cordy: "You're sure this is a good first date look? I don't want to seem too easy. I was thinking something more in a nice tailored suit - of armor. - So, so I figured we'd start slow. A few dinners, some light conversation, nothing too heavy and *then* in three or four years, if we still feel like we're hitting it off okay, we'll ah..." Silas: "Your majesty." Cordy: "Yeah." Silas points towards the door: "The groosalug." Cordy: "Say, don't you think it would add an air of feminine mystery if I were to, you know, not be here?" She tries to get up but is pushed back down into her throne by a bluish hand on her shoulder. The double doors open and wheezing, bulky demon with horns shuffles in, a sack slung over it's shoulder. Cordy to one of her attendants: "Kill me now." She looks back to find a handsome warrior following the beast into the throne room. He claps the beast on the shoulder. Groo to beast: "Just put those anywhere." Groo walks up to the throne and kisses the back of Cordy's hand. Groo: "Majesty." Cordy: "Oh." Angel and Fred are walking outside between some low boulders. Fred: "I've never been to the palace before. I've seen it up there, on that hill, watching me." Angel: "We just gotta find my friends." He slows, scans their surroundings. Two bucket-head soldiers on horseback, swords drawn come around a boulder. Angel: "Get down." Angel pushes Fred to the ground and tries to shield her with his own body, as the first guard charges and tires to swipe them with his sword. Angel: "Look, you may see something that might frighten you, but I'm your friend, okay?" Angel jumps up to engage the guards as they come at them again while Fred runs to cower against the side of a boulder. The first guard charges Angel and he ducks under the sword, turns to find the second guard almost on top of him. He morphs but instead of his usual vamp face appearing the morph continues until his whole face turns green and bumpy, framed by some almost horn-like protrusions, while his hands turn into claws. Fred flinches a little as Angel leaps to pull the second guard of his horse. Angel lays into the downed guard with wild ferocity. The guard screams as Angel literally rips one of his arms off and tosses it aside. Seeing this the other guard turns his rearing horse, and flees. Angel buries his head against the guard's throat and the guard goes motionless. Lifting his head Angel looks back at Fred, cowering against her boulder. Fred, shaking her head: "Bad things always happen here." Break Growling, Angel leaves the soldier and makes his way over to Fred, who tries to make herself as small as possible. Angel leans in close to her and sniffs. Blood is smeared around his mouth and coloring his teeth. There is a piece of meat hanging form one fang. After a moment Angel abruptly turns to look over his shoulder and leaps away from Fred in a sudden flash of motion. Fred draws a few gasping breaths, then looks over at the mutilated corpse of the guard lying a few feet away. Groo: "An animal. A-a beast! To my people I was nothing more than this." Cordy is sitting on the throne attentively listening to the groosalug telling his story. Cordy: "Why?" Groo: "Can you not see why?" Cordy: "Not exactly. You seem pretty good to me." Groo: "You are truly beneficent. Such - compassion - to ignore the flaws of my - polluted birth." Cordy: "Well... huh?" Groo steps closer, goes down on one knee and takes hold of one of Cordy's hands. Groo: "Why the odd curve of my mouth (pulls her hand to rest against his lips as he pulls them back into a smile) the odd - bulging of my limbs (pulls her hand over to feel the muscles of his upper arm) the heart (pulls her hand against his chest) beating in the wrong place." Cordy swallows heavily. Groo lets go of her hand and turns away, Cordy just catching herself before she falls forward out of her throne. Groo: "As I matured these - defects became more apparent. The Covenant soon determined there could be no mistake. There was *cow's* blood in my veins." Cordy: "So? Heck, I'm all cow! Err, human." Groo: "No, no! You - you are *beyond* cow or good. You - you are the transcendent one." Cordy: "I am?" Groo: "You've been cursed by the powers." Cordy: "Tell me about it!" Groo: "For my people to be part cow is to be less than whole. There was nothing I could do to prove my worth. I was - incapable even of performing husbandly duties with any of the females of my tribe." Cordy: "You mean you are..." Groo: "Anatomically equipped to mate only with a human." Cordy: "Good to know." Groo: "I was cast from my village. Cut off from my liver givers. Forced to make my way on my own." Cordy: "My parents were busted for tax fraud and my trust fund dried up over night." Groo: "I - sought to end my suffering." Cordy: "Get out!" All of the attendants and the groosalug turn and file towards the door as Cordy watches with her mouth dropping open. Cordy: "Ah, no. Wait!" They stop to look at her. Cordy points at Groo. Cordy: "He can stay." The rest of them file out and close the doors. Cordy: "Go on. You sought to end your suffering." Groo: "I-I *foolishly* entered every contest of skill and daring that I could in an attempt to snuff out my pathetic life. - But even at *this* - I failed." Cordy: "You did?" Groo: "I *won* - every match. I - *vanquished* every flame beast. I *defeated* every drokken. It seemed nothing could stop me. - The Covenant had no choice but to bestow upon me the name groosalug. The brave - undefeated." Cordy's eyes are riveted to his. Cordy: "Wow." [SCENE_BREAK] Constable Narwek enters, followed by two guards leading a gagged and bound Lorne between them. Narwek: "Majesty." Cordy never taking her eyes off Groo: "What?" Narwek: "There has been a disruption at the bach-nal. The prisoner is ready for your swift and cruel punishment." Cordy: "Handle it, will you? I'm in the middle of something." Narwek: "Execute the prisoner." Cordy finally looks away from Groo towards the door: "Wait! -Hang on!" She jumps off the throne and runs towards the door: "Pardon him. I-I pardon him. Pardon him. Ah, release him. Now! (Pulls the gag out of Lorne's mouth) Oh, baby, are you okay?" Lorne sighs then spots the groosalug. Lorne: "Not as good as you obviously. - Should I call them back? You could borrow the cuffs." Cordy looks towards Groo then begins to push Lorne out the door. Cordy: "Listen, I'll get right back with you. You're pardoned, absolved, shoo!" Lorne: "Uh, what about... Where is Wesley and Gunn?" Cordy, closing the door: "Oh, I'm sure they're fine." Wes and Gunn are walking through the forest. Gunn: "We're lost." Wesley: "Nonsense. I've been following the sun. We're headed due west, back toward the village." Gunn: "Which one?" Wesley: "Which village?" Gunn: "Which sun? There're two of them. Alternate dimension? We're lost." Wesley stops and holds up a hand for silence. Gunn: "You're having a Blair witch moment?" Wesley: "Something's hunting us." Gunn smoothly slides in to stand back to back with Wes. Gunn: "Palace guards?" Wesley: "I don't know." They pivot together to survey their surroundings. Suddenly the Angel-beast appears on top of a rock, then jumps off, knocking both of them to the ground. Wes and Gunn pick themselves up and turn to look at the Angel-beast, fanning out so that the beast can't come at both of them at once. Gunn: "What the hell is it?" Wesley stumbles on a rock and falls. The beast runs towards him hesitating a moment at the sight of the branch that Wes is holding in front of him. At the same time Gunn begins to pelt the Angel-beast with rocks. Gunn: "Come on! Come on!" The Angel-beast turns and Wes spots Angel's tattoo showing briefly through a rip in his clothing. Wesley: "It's Angel!" Gunn glances at Wes and the beast leaps, knocking him to the ground. Gunn is straining to hold the Angel-beast off far enough to keep out of the reach of its fangs. Wesley: "Angel! Can you hear me? Angel! Angel?" Fred slowly dips her hand into a leather pouch hanging by her side. When she takes her balled hand back out it is dripping with blood. She slowly raises it up into the air. We can still dimly hear Wesley calling Angel's name, but the sound of his voice is being drowned out by a heartbeat like thudding underlying a haunting woodwind tune as the Angel-beast slowly straightens up and looks over towards the blood covered fist. The Angel-beast slowly moves closer to Fred and, with her fist still raised, Fred slowly backs up, leading it away. Wesley hurries over to Gunn and notices deep scratches marring his left shoulder. Wesley: "Oh, you're hurt." Gunn: "What the hell just happened?" Wesley: "That strange wild girl saved us - from Angel." Gunn: "Something very freaky is going on here." Wesley: "I have a suspicion I may know what. Angel's vampire-self - has been sublimated somehow - by this dimension." He picks up a handful of wet mud and gets ready to smear it over Gunn's scratches. Gunn holds up a hand. Wesley: "It's okay." Gunn lets him pack the scratches with mud. Wesley: "Only his human side as surfaced since we've been here..." Gunn: "You mean being able to walk around in the sun - seeing his reflection, like that?" Wesley: "Yes. And now, for whatever reason he's accessed his demon, but he can't find the balance he normally would in our world. His demon-self has totally overcome his human side." Gunn: "So that's what the thing inside of him really looks like?" Wesley: "In its purest form." Gunn: "That's nasty." Wesley: "Can you walk?" Gunn: "Yeah." Wesley: "We've got to help him." Wes helps Gunn to his feet. Wesley: "You alright?" Gunn: "Yeah." Before they haven taken more than a few steps screaming figures start to drop out of the trees surrounding them and in a few moments they are surrounded by a group of humans carrying crude weapons. Gunn: "Oh, good. More fun." Fred is slowly backing across her cave. The Angel-beast follows her until it comes up to the edge of the little pool. It looks down and seeing a monster looking back swipes at the water, destroying the reflection. It sits and stares down as the image reforms slowly. Draws its claws across it slowly and watches the image break up and reform again. With a groan the beast suddenly morphs back into Angel, who staggers back from the edge of the pool. He takes a few stumbling steps away then collapses into a shivering, gasping heap in a little patch of sunlight in the middle of the cave, his back to Fred. Fred slowly walks over to him and reaches out a hand towards him. Looks at her still bloody hand and slowly pulls it back without touching him. Break Night has fallen over the castle. Groo and Cordy are still alone in the throne room. Groo: "And that, my princess, is my story in full. When the Covenant summoned me I was vanquishing the Mogfan beast that bedevils the scum pits of Ur." Cordy after a beat: "Uh, that's a great story. And you are a great groosalug. But - I'm not your princess. - The truth is, I'm not anybody's princess." Groo: "Have you not the curse?" Cordy: "The visions? Oh, yeah, I've got visions coming out of my ears, sometimes a little blood, too, but - that doesn't make me a princess. That just makes me - kind of weird." Groo: "I do not understand." Cordy stands up: "Where I come from, who I really am - is so far from being a princess, you have no idea. (Sighs) I'm an actress." Groo: "I do not know this word." Cordy: "Actress? It means - when I'm finally lucky enough to get the gig, other people tell me what to do, where to stand, how to move, what to say..." Groo: "You are the concubine of your village." Cordy: "Felt like one sometimes. Last job I had you should have seen the horrible thing they made me wear! It was this tiny, skimpy, exploitative... (Looks down at her present, skimpy outfit) Uh, nothing like this!" Groo: "Have they no eyes in this village?" Cordy: "What do you mean?" Groo: "Can they not just look upon you and *see* that you are a princess?" Cordy after a beat: "I'm not." Groo: "No. Pardon my impudence, majesty, but you are wrong. The Covenant has declared it so." Cordy: "It doesn't matter what they say." Groo: "Then *you* declare it so. You declare it with your bearing and your beauty - and the mercy that I have seen you bestow upon one of your subjects this very day." Cordy: "He was a friend of mine." Groo: "Then if you treat all of your subjects this way, you will do much good." Cordy: "It's a beautiful dream. Really it is. But - it's not real." Groo stepping close: "Why not?" Silas is pacing in front of some other priests. Silas: "Parchment! She's asked for parchment." Priest: "Some strange cow mating ritual?" Silas: "No. She wants to make proclamations." Priest: "Proclamations?" Silas: "She's decided she can do some good." Priest: "Then the com-shuk has not yet taken place." Silas: "I think it's time to send our princess a message." The human rebels are gathered around a fire in the woods. Wes and Gunn are tied to a stake to one side of it. Rebel: "I know how we send a message to the princess. - We storm the palace." Leader: "That'd be suicide. Our entire number would be wiped out in minutes." Rebel: "Yeah, but it'd be a message." Wesley: "Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing." Gunn: "Wesley!" Wesley: "It's all right Gunn, I believe we can help these brave men." Leader: "Shut up, reconnaissance-cow-scum." Wesley: "Now see here, I've told you already. We're *not* reconnaissance cows." Rebel: "We tracked you coming from the palace. Don't lie." Wesley: "I'm not lying. And if it's a message you want sent to the princess, then I *know* we can help." Gunn: "Shut up, Wesley." Leader: "How?" Wesley: "Well, we just happen to be close personal friends with the princess." Gunn closes his eyes and lets his head drop. The rebels laugh. Rebel: "They know the princess." Leader: "Close personal friends, huh?" Wesley: "I can prove it. In my wallet... uh, ah, the leather holder in the back of my leg coverings." The leader walks over and pulls out Wesley's wallet. Wesley: "That's it." The leader flips the wallet open to reveal a picture of Angel, Cordy and Wes, all smiling. Leader: "It's true. They know the princess." Wesley: "Now, if your organization would just draw up some sort of list of demands we would be more than happy to present it directly to her majesty." Leader: "Lets do it. Have Sasha write up a list of demands." Wesley to Gunn: "There, you see?" Leader: "Shove the list in their mouths, put their severed heads on sticks and display them outside the princess' window." Gunn: "Have I mentioned just how glad I am I decided to leave my people behind in LA so I could come here to die?" Fred is filling a pot with water from the pool and carries over to where Angel is lying on a pile of blankets facing away from her. He is still shivering slightly and breathing in small ragged gasps. Fred dabs at his neck with a wet rag. Fred: "Are you feeling any better?" Angel doesn't react. Fred: "It's okay. You don't have to talk. I'm used to it." Angel muttering: "They, they saw it. They, they looked right at it. They saw it..." Fred: "Saw what?" Angel: "The monster... They-they saw what I really am. - I can't go back. Not now. I can never go back. No..." Fred: "It's okay. You - you could stay here." Fred looks around her little cave, while Angel lies there breathing raggedly. The groosalug and Cordy a lounging on the steps to her throne as Cordy writes up her proclamations. Cordy: "And this one will free the slaves and outlaw polyester. I know it hasn't actually been invented here yet, but I'm a forward thinking monarch." Silas and two other priests enter. One of them is carrying a small pedestal, the other a silver platter with a domed lid. They set down the pedestal and set the platter down on top of it. Cordy: "We didn't order anything." Silas: "Get out cow." Groo gets up and leaves. Cordy gets up and goes to stand in front of Silas. Cordy: "Hey. You can't call him that. He is groosalug, the brave and undefeated." Silas: "He is that only because I say he is." Cordy: "Groo! Where are you... Huh, he just left." Silas: "He understands the way of things." Cordy turns to face him. Cordy: "Yeah? Well, the way of things is going to change around here." Silas: "Is that right?" Cordy: "Way!" Picks up a rolled parchment and holds it up. Cordy: "I've got - proclamations!" Silas knocks the parchment out of her hand. Silas: "Foolish girl." Cordy: "Hey! Who's wearing the tiara around here, pal?!" Silas: "The Powers have seen fit to place their gift in you." Cordy: "You got that right." Silas: "But let us be clear. You have no authority here." Cordy: "But I am the princess." Silas: "The princess, like the groosalug, is a tool of the Covenant, nothing more. - You will do what we tell you to do. If we tell you to mate, then you shall mate." Cordy: "You can't force us to..." Silas: "And if we tell you 'silent' you shut your cow mouth!" Cordy folding her arms in front of her: "Pardon me?" Silas: "Pardon - your majesty? Don't you feel you have done enough - pardoning..." Silas reaches over to lift the lid off the platter. Silas: "...for one day?" Cordy looks down and gasps as she sees Lorne's severed head lying on the silver platter.
Plan: A: Angel; Q: Who rescues Fred from certain death? A: Lorne; Q: Who visits his family? A: Pylea; Q: Where is Cordy? A: her visions; Q: What is Cordy being hailed as a princess because of? A: the kingdom; Q: What is Cordy the ruler of? A: a way; Q: What do Wes and Gunn try to find to open another portal and return home? A: the locals; Q: Who is Angel becoming popular with? A: tales; Q: What does Angel tell the locals about his battles? A: earth; Q: Where did Angel fight in the past? Summary: Wes, Gunn, Angel and Lorne find Cordy in Pylea. She's being hailed as a princess because of her visions. Now, she's the ruler of the kingdom. While, Wes and Gunn try to find a way to open another portal and return home, Lorne visits his family. Angel is becoming incredibly popular with the locals, telling them tales of his battles back on earth. He even rescues Fred from certain death. But things quickly start to go wrong for everyone. Cordy realizes some disturbing things about her new responsibilities.
[Middle of nowhere] (A SUV is meeting another car. The man goes out of the car and rejoins the man in the SUV. The man in the SUV is wearing a cap and sunglasses) Trevor: Where is she? Man: In the trunk, I did exactly what you said Trevor: Good, put her in the back (The man opens the SUV trunk and then goes to his car. He opens the trunk. Elena is in it. He takes her and puts her in the SUV trunk. The Trevor sees her in the rear-view mirror and smiles. After putting Elena in the trunk, he rejoins Trevor) Trevor: thank you for your help Man: Is there anything else? Trevor: One more thing. Come closer, please (The man is getting closer) Trevor: Closer (The man gets closer. Trevor takes him, bites him, drinks his blood and then throws him on the floor and he leaves. Then man is dead) [Gilbert's house] (Jeremy is in the bathroom. He knocks on Elena's bedroom door) Jeremy: Yo, Elena! (She doesn't answer so he goes in her room. She's not there) [Caroline's house] (Caroline is in her room, preparing for school. Damon's here) Caroline: So Sarah attacks Tyler and he pushed her away and she tripped and she fell and she hit her head Damon: Does Matt remember anything? Caroline: Hmm, he thinks he blacked out but I think they were both compelled by Katherine. That's why I covered for Tyler and said it was an accident Damon: Yeah, I don't understand that. The guy is a tool Caroline: Gee, dah. Tyler getting blamed for Sarah death just opens up questions that can't answer and do you really think that's a good idea for him to tell his mom he's a werewolf? Damon: Well, no Caroline: And that werewolf road leads straight to Vampire Boulevard! I thought I was thinking fast on my feet Damon: Where is your mom? Caroline: Leading the search party for Aimee Bradley. They haven't found her body yet Damon: Ah, teens today and their underage drinking. Tragic. Wait, did you see Tyler's eyes turn yellow? Caroline: They were more gold with amber highlights Damon: Oh Caroline: Can he turn into a wolf now? Damon: Only on a full moon but now he has craze strength and who knows what else. I wonder how much Mason told him. Does he know about us? (She doesn't answer. She's texting) Damon: Hey! What did you tell him? Caroline: nothing, really. I don't think he knows much of anything. He seemed really freaked out and honestly, I felt kind of bad for him (She leaves her room and goes toward the door) Damon: He's got to know something Caroline: Alright, I'll ask him (He rushes over her and catches her by the collar) Damon: No, you won't Caroline! He cannot know about us. The bite from a werewolf can kill a vampire so don't be his friend! Do you understand me? Caroline: I understand. I'm late for school Damon: Right. If you want to drop the hints to your mom, Aimee's body is at the bottom of a ravine with the crack spine. Might save your mom some time (Damon opens the door for her. They leave) [Mystic Fall's high school] (Tyler is in the hallway. There are notices for Aimee Bradley on the walls. In front of Sarah's locker, there are pictures and candles. He's uncomfortable and goes to his locker. He tries to opens it but he breaks the hasp) (Stefan is closing his locker. Jeremy rejoins her) Stefan: Hey Jeremy Jeremy: Look, Elena's got to let me know if I'm supposed to cover for her. Jenna's cool with the two of you but you guys are pushing it Stefan: What are you talking about? Jeremy: You and Elena. Look, I'm glad you guys are back together but if she's gonna sleep over... Stefan: Wait, wait... hold on a minute. We're not back together Jeremy: Wait... she didn't stay at your place last night? Stefan: No, I mean I saw her at the party but that was it. She didn't sleep over Jeremy: 'Cause her bed hadn't been slept in and Mrs. Lockwood said that her car was still in the driveway. Where is she then? [A house] (The SUV is parking in the driveway. Trevor is carrying Elena. They are in the house. He puts her on the couch. Her hand and her feats are tied. He removes the ropes) Elena: What do you want? Trevor: Shut Elena: Please, I'm hurt Trevor: I know. Just a taste (He's vamping but Rose arrives and he stops) Rose: Trevor! Control yourself Trevor: Boss kill (He leaves. Rose is alone with Elena) Elena: What do you want with me? Rose: Oh my god, you look just like her Elena: But I'm not. Please, whatever you... Rose: Be quiet! Elena: But I'm not Katherine. My name is Elena Gilbert; you don't have to do this Rose: I know who you are, I said be quiet Elena: What do you want? (Rose slaps her very hard. Elena's falls on the couch, unconscious) Rose: I want you to be quiet [Mystic Falls' high school] (Stefan and Damon are outside. They're talking about Elena's disappearance) Stefan: This is Katherine right all over it Damon: Katherine's in the tomb. Trust me; I'm the one who shut her in Stefan: Did you? Damon: Did I what, Stefan? Stefan: Well, I know the hold that Katherine has on you Damon: she's in the tomb, period. End of story but she did say something to me right before I shut her in. I thought she was lying Stefan: what did she say? Damon: Elena's in danger Stefan: What? And you didn't think you should ask her to elaborate? Damon: Everything she says is a lie. How am I supposed to know she was starting spelling off the truth? Stefan: We have to go talk to her Damon: No, no. Let me tell you how that's gonna go: We're gonna go ask her for help, she's gonna negotiate her release which we should dumb enough to get her and she's gonna get out and kill us! This is exactly what she wants! Stefan: I don't really care Damon: It's a bad idea, Stefan Stefan: It's Elena (Caroline is in the hallway. She sees the candles and the pictures at Sarah's locker. Tyler rejoins her) Tyler: Caroline Caroline: Hey! How are you doing? Tyler: Not good Caroline: How's your mom? My mom said that she was pretty freaked out about everything that happened with Sarah Tyler: How did you know? Caroline: What do you mean? Tyler: About me. How did you know? Caroline: Know what? That you were upset? I thought I was doing a good thing by covering for you Tyler: That's not what I am talking about Caroline: Look, it was an accident? Okay? And I've got to run but please don't blame yourself (She leaves) [A house] (Elena is waking up. Rose and Trevor are upstairs. They're talking) Rose: How does it go? Trevor: Still passed out Rose: You didn't touch her, did you? Trevor: Give me some credit. So, did you called him? Rose: No, I called one of his contacts. You know how this works Trevor: Did you or did you not get the message to Elijah? Rose: they say he got it Trevor: Wonderful and what? (Elena is upstairs too. She's listening to the conversation) Rose: So that's it Trevor. He either got it or he didn't. We just have to wait Trevor: Look, it's not too late. We can leave it here. We don't have to go through with this Rose: I'm sick of running! Trevor: Yeah? Well, running keeps us from dying Rose: Elijah's old school. If he accepts our deal, we're free (Elena makes noise. Rose sees her) Rose: You! There's nothing around here from miles. If you think you're getting out of this house, you're tragically wrong. Understand? Elena: Who's Elijah? Rose: He's your worst nightmare [Mystic Falls' high school] (Stefan is talking with Bonnie) Bonnie: I can't undo the tomb spell, Stefan. Even if I wanted to. It took all from me and Grams to undo it the first time Stefan: But I can open the door, right? I can talk to her? Bonnie: Yeah but Damon's right. She's not gonna tell you anything, not without something in return Stefan: I know but Bonnie I have to do something. I have no idea who has Elena; I have no idea where she is Bonnie: What if there was another way to find her? (Jeremy and Bonnie are in Alaric's class room. There is a map and a candle on the table) Jeremy: How this is work? Bonnie: I'll use your blood dry the energy for the tracking spell. You're blood related; it'll make the connection stronger (Stefan arrives) Stefan: Alright, Alaric said we've got to clear out of here within 10 minutes. I've got weapons he's stuck me up Bonnie: Are you ready? (She cuts Jeremy's hand. His blood falls on the map. Bonnie concentrates herself to cast the spell. The blood drops merge into one and goes toward Elena's location) Bonnie: There. She's there Jeremy: That's 300 miles away Stefan: No Bonnie. We need a more exact location than that Bonnie: That's the closest I can get Jeremy: We can map it, area view will show us what's around there, help us bound the area Stefan: Perfect. Call me with whatever you find Jeremy: No, no, I'm coming with you! Stefan: No Jeremy, you're not Jeremy: no, I'm gonna just sit here. What if she's hurt okay? (Bonnie has a nosebleed but the guys doesn't see it) Jeremy: Or worse? What if she's...? Stefan: She's not. You two go back to your house just in case. I'll call you the minute I find her Jeremy: But you can't do this alone (Damon arrives) Damon: He's not. Let's go Stefan: You're coming with me? Damon: It's Elena (Tyler is playing basketball with other guys. He sees Caroline, stops the party and rejoins her) Caroline: Hey. Hums... are you okay? Tyler: You lied to me earlier. Why? Caroline: Look, Tyler... I think that you misunderstood me at the party. I get it, it was very dramatic Tyler: You're lying Caroline: Nope but I'm late (She leaves but he catches her arm) Tyler: Hey! (She twists his arm and throws him on the floor. He gets up) Tyler: How did you... you're stronger than me? Caroline: Please, that was nothing Tyler: Listen, if you know something you've got to tell me because I can't handle this Caroline: I'm sorry, Tyler but I think that you're still in shock over Sarah dying and it's understandable (He looks at her and leaves. He shots in garbage but he's so stronger that the garbage falls into a car. Everyone looks at him. He looks at Caroline and leaves) [Damon's car] (Stefan and Damon are going to Elena's rescue) Damon: Alaric sure likes his weapons (Stefan has a little bottle with vervein in it in his hands) Damon: What the hell is that? Stefan: I don't know, it's a vervein bomb or a grenade or something like that Damon: Weird Stefan: Hey, how much further is it? Damon: About 80 miles Stefan: Who do you think took her? Damon: Someone from Katherine's past. She said she was running from someone. They pick out the wrong girl Stefan: Thank you for helping me Damon: Can we not do the whole road trip bonding thing? The cliché of it all makes me itch Stefan: Oh, come on Damon. We both know that you being in this car have absolutely nothing to do with me anyway Damon: The elephant in the room lets out a mighty roar Stefan: Well, it doesn't have to be an elephant. Let's talk about it. Damon: There's nothing to talk about Stefan: That's not true. I'm sure there is. Just get it out. I mean, are you in this car because you want to help your little brother save the girl that he loves? Or is it because you love her too? Hmm? I mean come on, express yourself. I happen to like road trip bonding Damon: Keep it up, Stefan. I can step out of helping as easily as I stepped in Stefan: No, you see that's the beauty of it. You can't [Gilbert's house] (Jeremy is in his bedroom with Bonnie. He has found something on his phone) Bonnie: Alaric just left with Jenna Jeremy: He's getting her out of the house for a while so she doesn't ask questions about Elena. Look. I pulled this up based on that spun on the map (He shows her his phone. His 's found a house) Jeremy: there's nothing for miles except for this old house Bonnie: Did you send it to Stefan? Jeremy: Yeah. I hate sitting here, waiting like this Bonnie: Hey, she's gonna be fine Jeremy: You don't know that Bonnie: No I don't (She gets up and rushes over her handbag. She takes the grymoire and sits on Jeremy's bed with him) Jeremy: What are you doing? Bonnie: There's something else I want to try Jeremy: I don't get it Bonnie: I need a candle. Grab Elena's hairbrush Jeremy: Okay, yeah (Bonnie takes a paper and writes something in it. Jeremy grabs Elena's hairbrush and a candle) Jeremy: What's all this stuff for? Bonnie: I know it's crazy but I might be able to get her a message (She crumples the paper and takes it in her hand. She puts her hand above the candle and opens it. She closes her eyes to cast the spell. She has a nosebleed) Jeremy: Bonnie? Bonnie! Bonnie! Bonnie! (The paper is burning. Jeremy's tries to stop her but she keeps going. The paper disappears) Jeremy: Bonnie (She smiles and blanks out. She's unconscious on Jeremy's bed) Jeremy: Bonnie! Bonnie! Bonnie! [A house] (Rose is in a room, alone. Elena rejoins her) Elena: Why am I here? Rose: You keep asking me these questions like I'm gonna answer them Elena: Why won't you? Rose: hat's another one Elena: You got me, okay? It's not like I can go anywhere. The least you can do is tell me what you want with me Rose: I personally want nothing; I'm just a delivery service Elena: Delivery to whom? Elijah? Rose: Two points for these ears dropper Elena: Who is he? Is he a vampire? Rose: He's one of the vampires, the originals Elena: What do you mean the originals? Rose: Again with the questions. Haven't the Salvatore's been teaching you vampire history? Elena: So you know Stefan and Damon Rose: I know of them. A hundred years back, a friend of mine tried to set me up with Stefan. She said he was one of the good ones. I'm more a sucker for the bad boys though but I digress Elena: Who are the originals? Rose: Trevor and I I've been running for 500 years. We're tired, we want it over. We're using you to negotiate ourselves out of an old mess Elena: But why me? Rose: Because you are a Petrova doppelganger. You're the key into breaking the curse Elena: The curse? The sun and the moon curse? Rose: Oh, you do know your history Elena: What do you mean I'm the key? The moonstone is what breaks the curse Rose: No, the moonstone is what binds the curse. The sacrifice will breaks it Elena: The sacrifice? Rose: The blood of the doppelganger. You are the doppelganger. Which means, in order to break the curse you are the one who has to die [Caroline's house] (Caroline arrives) Caroline: Mom? (She feels that something's weird. Tyler is behind her) Caroline: What are you doing here? Tyler: I know Caroline: Breaking and entering the sheriff's house? That move will win you an award Tyler: Go ahead. Keep dodging, keep changing the subject but I know. You're just like me, aren't you? Caroline: No Tyler: Keep it up but I'm not buying it. I saw how strong you are. I'm not leaving here until you tell me the truth Caroline: Tyler... Tyler: You're a werewolf. Say it! (She laughs) Caroline: What? (He pushes her against the wall) Tyler: Stop lying! Caroline: I'm not lying! Tyler: Say it! (He hits the wall very hard. She pushes him and pushes him against the wall. She's vamping. She throws him on the floor. He's scared) Caroline: I'm not a werewolf, okay? [A house] (Rose and Elena are still talking. Trevor arrives) Elena: Tell me more Trevor: Captivity has made her pushy, uh? What do you want to know doppelicious? Elena: Who were you running from? Trevor: The originals Elena: Yeah, she said that. What does it mean? Trevor: The first family, the old world. Rose and I pissed them off Rose: hum hum Trevor: Correction, I pissed them off, Rose had my back and for over half a millennium, they wanted us dead Elena: What did you do? Rose: He made the same mistake others did: he trusted Katerina Petrova Elena: Katherine Rose: The one and only, the first Petrova doppelganger Trevor: I helped her to escape her fate and now I've, sorry, we've been locked ever since Rose: Which is why we're not gonna make the same mistake again [Gilbert's house] (Bonnie is awake. Jeremy gives her a glass of water) Jeremy: Here, drink this Bonnie: Thanks (She drinks) Jeremy: What happened? You scared the hell out of me Bonnie: it's nothing Jeremy: it wasn't nothing, Bonnie Bonnie: I've been doing a lot of magic lately. It wares me down. Jeremy: When I'm warring down, I take a nap. You were... you were unconscious Bonnie: Witchcraft has its limits. If I push too hard, it pushes back Jeremy: How do you know all this? Bonnie: It's all in here; it's like a reminder that I'm not invincible. Please don't... don't tell anyone Jeremy: why not? Bonnie: Because it's a weakness and I don't want certain people to know that Jeremy: By certain people, you mean Damon Bonnie: I mean anyone that can hurt me Jeremy: I won't tell anyone, okay? I promise Bonnie: It's hard you know? My gram is gone and my dad, he doesn't want to know about what I am. He hasn't since my mom left. I'm all alone in this Jeremy: It's how I feel a lot of the time, alone (Long pause. They're looking at each other) Jeremy: Do you think that worked? Bonnie: I have no idea [A house] (Elena sits on the couch. She finds the paper Bonnie sent her. It says that Stefan and Damon are coming) [SCENE_BREAK] [Damon's car] Stefan: We're getting close. Jeremy said there was an access road just past mar marker 6 (Damon takes a blood bag. He drinks) Damon: If you want some, just ask Stefan: I want some Damon: Ah, it's so sweet. You're gonna be all big and strong and save your girl but don't worry, I've got your back. It'll be fine Stefan: I'm not joking. I've been drinking a little every day. I's slowly increasing my intake and building up my strength (Damon gives him the blood bag. Stefan drinks) Damon: Does Elena know you're drinking blood? Stefan: I've been drinking hers Damon: Hmm, how romantic. Since we're road trip bonding, remember the days when all you lived for was blood? You were the guy who ripped someone apart just for the fun of it Stefan: You mean when I was more like you? Damon: Yes, Stefan, exactly. Back when you put blood into me so I could be a big bad vampire. I wonder if Elena would be so quick to open her veins to that guy. By the way, what happened to that guy? He was a hoop Stefan: I guess he found someone else to leave for [A house] Trevor: He's here! This was a mistake Rose: no, I told you I would get us out of this. You have to trust me Trevor: No! He wants me dead, Rose! Rose: He wants her more Trevor: I can't do this. You give her to him, he let you leave but I need to get out of here Rose: Hey! What are we? Trevor: We're family, forever (Someone knocks on the door) Elena: You're scared Rose: Stay here with her and don't make a sound (She leaves to open the door. Elijah opens the door. She arrives) Elijah: Rose-Marie. Is there somewhere we can talk? Rose: Yes, in here. You have to forgive the house Elijah: Oh, no, what's a little dirt? I completely understand. So tell me, what is it that gave you the courage to call me? Rose: I wanted my freedom. I'm tired of running. You are in a position to accord me that? Elijah: I have complete authority to grant pardon to you and your little pet. What is his name these days? Trevor. If a saws fit it Rose: Katerina Petrova? Elijah: I'm listening Rose: She didn't burn in the church in 1864 Elijah: Continue Rose: She survived Elijah: Where is she? Rose: you don't seem surprise by this Elijah: Oh, when you called and invited me into this arm pities civilization, which at 3 hours from the town we know as Mystic Falls, I surmise it had everything to do with Katerina. Do you have her new position? Rose: No but I have better. I have her doppelganger Elijah: That's impossible, her family line ended with her. I know that for fact Rose: The facts are wrong Elijah: Well, show her to me Rose: Elijah, you are a man of honor, you can be trusted but I want to hear you say it again Elijah: You have my world, I will pardon you Rose: Follow me (He follows her. They arrive at the main room. Elena hears them. She's scared and turns her head. Elijah looks at her. He's surprised and rushes over her. He looks at her and smells her neck.) Elijah: Human. It's impossible. Hello there [Middle of nowhere] (Stefan and Damon have stopped the car) Damon: The house should be behind those trees. Wait, I got a lot more experience than you do with those sorts of things Stefan: What is your point? Damon: My point is, whoever has Elena is probably who was after Katherine in 1864 and before that Stefan: And? Damon: And it puts them at 500 years old and strong. Are you sure you want to do this? Stefan: Yeah, I'm certain I want to do it Damon: Because if we go in that house, we may not come back out Stefan: Alright, then I won't come out Damon: So noble, Stefan Stefan: I can't think of a better reason to die but if you want to stay here, I totally understand (He leaves and Damon follows him) [A house] Elijah: We have a long journey head of us. We should be going (Elena looks at Rose) Elena: Please, don't let him take me Elijah: One last piece of business and we're done (He goes toward Trevor) Trevor: I've waited so long for this day, Elijah. I'm truly, very sorry Elijah: Oh no, your apologies are not necessary Trevor: Yes, yes it is. You trusted me with Katerina and I failed you Elijah: Oh yes you are the guilty one and Rose helped you because she was loyal to you and that now I honor. Where was your loyalty? Trevor: I beg your forgiveness Elijah: So granted (Trevor smiles but Elijah rips Trevor's head out with his hand. Rose cries. Elena is shocked) Rose: You...! Elijah: Don't, Rose, now that you are free (He looks at Elena) Elijah: Come Elena: No and what about the moonstone? Elijah: What do you know about the moonstone? Elena: I know that you need it and I know where it is Elijah: Yes Elena: I can help you get it Elijah: Tell me where it is Elena: It doesn't work that way Elijah: Are you negotiating with me? (He looks at Rose) Rose: it's the first I heard of it (He tries to compel Elena but it doesn't work. He looks at her necklace) Elijah: What is this vervein doing around here? (He snatches the necklace from her neck and throws it. He catches her head and compels her) Elijah: Tell me where the moonstone is Elena: In the tomb, underneath the church ruins Elijah: What is it doing there? Elena: It's with Katherine Elijah: Interesting (They hear noise) Elijah: What is that? Rose: I don't know Elijah: Who else is in this house? Rose: I don't know (He catches Elena. They go in another part of the house. Stefan and Damon are moving around them with their super speed. Elijah throws Elena in Rose's arms) Elijah: Rose Rose: I don't know who it is Stefan: Up here (Elijah goes in the stairs with his super speed) Damon: Down here (Elijah receives an arrow in his hand. He removes it. Elena and Rose have disappeared. Elena is with Stefan. He tells her to be quiet. Damon is with Rose. He has his hand on her mouth) Elijah: Excuse me. To who may be concern, you're making a great mistake if you think that you can beat me. You can't. Do you hear that? (He breaks a wooden coat rack into making a giant stake) Elijah: I repeat, you cannot beat me. So I want the girl, I'm gonna count to 3 or heads will roll. Do we understand each other? (Elena appears at the top of the stairs) Elena: I'll come with you but just please don't my friends, they just wanted to help me out (He goes in the stairs with his super speed. He has the stake in his hand) Elijah: What game are you playing with me? (She throws the vervein bomb in his face. It explodes. His skin burns but he heals immediately. He goes toward Elena but Stefan arrives and shots him with the compresses air weapon. It doesn't hurt him so Stefan throws the weapon and rushes on Elijah. They fall in the stairs. Elijah gets up immediately but Stefan stays on the floor. He goes toward Stefan but Damon arrives and stakes Elijah. He pushes him against the door. Elijah is dead and is tainted to the door with the stake. Rose sees it and leave. Damon tries to follow her) Elena: Just let her go (He smiles. She smiles too and goes down the stairs to go to Stefan's arms) Stefan: Hey come here. Are you hurt? Are you okay? (She embraces him and looks at Damon. She mouths a "thank you" and Damon mouths a "you're welcome") [Gilbert's house] (Bonnie is sleeping in Jeremy's bed. Jeremy is looking at her and hears the front door) Jeremy: Elena? (Bonnie wakes up and they rushes outside the door. Elena is going up the stairs. Bonnie embraces rushes over her and embraces her) Jeremy: Are you okay? Elena: I'm okay. I'm okay (She looks at Bonnie) Elena: I got your message (Bonnie cries and embraces her again. Then, Jeremy embraces her and kisses her neck) [Salvatore's house] (Damon is pouring himself a glass of scotch and drinks. Stefan arrives) Damon: Where is Elena? Stefan: She's home Damon: And you're here why? Stefan: Because she wanted to be with Jeremy Damon: Here (He gives him a glass of scotch) Stefan: Thanks. Listen, what Rose told Elena about the curse... Damon: I know, we'll keep her safe Stefan: you know, the only way we're gonna be able to do that is if we're not fighting each other. We let Katherine come between us. If let that happen with Elena, we're not gonna be able to protect her Damon: Yes Stefan, I heard it all before Stefan: Hey Damon: What? Stefan: I'm sorry. Damon: About what? Stefan: For being the guy who made you turn 145 years ago Damon: Enough Stef, it's late. Don't need to rehearse that Stefan: You know what? I've never said it at loud. I guess I just need to say it and you need to hear it. I'm sorry. What I did was selfish. I didn't want to be alone. I guess I just needed my brother [Caroline's house] (Caroline is still with Tyler. She arrives with a bottle of alcohol and two glasses) Caroline: You know, this sounds crazy but alcohol helps or at least it helps me. You know, with all that inside jittery stuff Tyler: I'm hot. It's like my skin is on fire Caroline: Really? I never had any of that. I guess wolves are different. At the beginning, I was very, very emotional. Everything was heightened Tyler: I have that. How can you be a vampire? Caroline: How can you be a werewolf? Tyler: Who else is like you? Caroline: Just me. It's a very long story we can share another time. How many other werewolves are there? Tyler: Just me and my uncle Mason but he left town Caroline: Look, Tyler... You can't tell anyone, okay? Not about you, not about me. No one would understand Tyler: I know Caroline: I want to tell you about my mom and yours and the founding families and the council but I need you to promise me no one will find out about us. This is life and death, Tyler Tyler: I have no one else to tell. I'm sorry about earlier. It's just, I'm alone with this. It's gonna happen to me. In the next full moon, I' gonna turn and I won't be able to stop it. I'm scared Caroline: Tyler... (She embraces him) [Salvatore's house] (Stefan is in the library. He hears noise and a vampire is running around him. He takes a stake) Stefan: Who's there? (Rose arrives) Rose: I'm not here to hurt you Stefan: Why are you here? Rose: Lexi once told me that you're one of the good ones Stefan: You knew Lexi? Rose: Trevor was my best friend. For 500 years I have lived with one person and he's gone and I don't want to run anymore because I don't have anywhere else to run to Stefan: Well, I'm sorry but I can't help you Rose: I don't need your help but I think you need mine. Elijah may be dead but this isn't over Stefan: What do you mean "it's not over"? Rose: It isn't over. The originals, they'll come for her. They have to. They're doing it or him Stefan: For whom? Rose: Klaus [Gilbert's house] (Elena in in pajamas. She's going into her bedroom. Damon's here) Damon: Cute pajies Elena: I'm tired, Damon Damon: I brought you this (He shown her the necklace) Elena: I thought that was gone. Thank you (She tries to catch it but he doesn't give it to her) Elena: Please give it back Damon: I just have to say something Elena: Why do you have to say it with my necklace? Damon: Well, because what I'm about to say is... probably the most selfish thing I have ever said in my life Elena: Damon, don't go there Damon: No, I just have to say it once. You just need to hear it. I love you, Elena and it's because I love you that... I can't be selfish with you. Why you can't know this? I don't deserve you but my brother does (He kisses her on the forehead) Damon: God, I wish you don't have to forget this but you do (He compels her and shed a tear. Elena's closes her eyes. When she opens it, Damon's gone and she has her necklace. She touches her necklace and looks around her. She sits down on her bed and looks at her necklace) [A house] (Elijah is still impaled but he wakes up and removes the stake from his chest)
Plan: A: Trevor; Q: Who takes Elena to an abandoned house? A: Tyler; Q: Who witnesses Caroline's abilities? A: Caroline's abilities; Q: What does Tyler witness that makes her reveal that she is a vampire? A: Caroline; Q: Who reveals that she is a vampire? A: Rose and Trevor; Q: Who are using Elena as a bargaining chip? A: Bonnie; Q: Who uses a spell to locate Elena? A: information; Q: What does Elena try to extract from Rose? A: the "original" vampires; Q: What does Rose tell Elena that Elijah is one of? A: Petrova; Q: What is Elena's doppelgänger's name? A: the curse; Q: What is Elena the key to breaking? A: their pardon; Q: What does Rose offer Elijah in exchange for Elena? A: the moonstone; Q: What does Elena say she knows the location of? A: Stefan; Q: Who does Damon tell Elena he loves her but doesn't deserve her? A: Elena's vervain necklace; Q: What does Damon have in his hand when he tells Elena that he loves her but doesn't deserve her? A: Elena's bedroom; Q: Where is Damon when he tells Elena that he loves her but doesn't deserve her? A: his chest; Q: Where does Elijah pull the wooden stake out of? Summary: A vampire named Trevor takes Elena to an abandoned house, where she meets Rose, another vampire. When Tyler witnesses Caroline's abilities, she reveals that she is a vampire. Elena overhears Rose and Trevor arguing about a vampire named Elijah. Using a spell, Bonnie locates Elena. Elena tries to extract information from Rose, who tells her that Elijah is one of the "original" vampires. Rose and Trevor are using Elena, the Petrova doppelgänger who is the key to breaking the curse, as a bargaining chip. Elijah arrives, and Rose offers him Elena in exchange for their pardon. Elijah agrees but kills Trevor. Elena tries to stall Elijah by saying that she knows where the moonstone is, but he compels her to tell him its location. Stefan and Damon arrive to fight with Elijah and stake him. Elena's vervain necklace remains at the house. Later that night, Damon is in Elena's bedroom with her vervain necklace in his hand. He tells her that he loves her but doesn't deserve her, and that Stefan does. Then he compels her to forget what he said. In the abandoned house, Elijah pulls the wooden stake out of his chest.
[INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY] (Lucas is at his locker, Haley and Nathan round the corner holding hands and talking to themselves. Brooke and Peyton open their own lockers, next to each other. Nathan opens his locker as Haley inspects an envelope.) NATHAN: (Looking at Lucas.) What's up man? (Lucas pulls a rectangular envelope, with his name printed on the front, out of his locker and, wordlessly, shows it to Nathan. Nathan pulls one out of his own locker with his name printed on the front. Haley's looking at hers.) HALEY: Brooke? (They all look at Brooke and Peyton; they both have their own envelopes. They're as confused as everyone else. Felix walks past and smiles at them all.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - EVENING] (Felix puts an invitation on the table which reads; 'You are cordially to a night to drama, excitement and intrigue. Be at Karen's Café tonight at 7:00 p.m.') FELIX: It's called 'Dare Night'. One night, two teams, multiple dares. (Brooke, Peyton, Haley, Lucas, Nathan, Skills, Fergie, Mouth and Tim are gathered around the table. They are all staring at Felix.) FELIX: (Holds up and envelope.) Each envelope contains a two-part dare. Part one is on the front; part two is on the back. Each dare is worth a certain number of points. This cell phone (Holds up the phone.) has picture and video. TIM: Oh sweet(!) (Reaches for the phone. Felix shoots him a look and he stops.) FELIX: You do the dare; you send proof of it to the other team. At midnight, time's up. We meet back here and declare the winner. MOUTH: And what do we win? FELIX: You Mouth, win an excuse to be out till midnight. (Mouth laughs.) The rest of you, get a night to remember. LUCAS: And you get to humiliate us. Why would we do that? FELIX: Look guys, there's nothing in these envelopes that's harmful to you or anyone else. It's all about having fun, testing your limits. Every once in a while, you gotta wake yourself up. (Looks at Brooke.) TIM: You wanna do it Nate? All anybody does in this town is brood and...pout, get married. HALEY: (laughs) I'll play. (Throws her envelope onto the table.) PEYTON: Yeah, what the hell. (Puts hers on the table too.) I'm up for something daring. (Felix looks at Nathan who throws his on the table.) FELIX: Who else is in? (Mouth, Fergie and Skills throw their envelopes on top of the others. Tim throws a beige envelope with his name, which he wrote himself, onto the pile. Felix picks up the envelope and looks at it inquisitively. Everyone laughs.) TIM: (pleadingly) Come on! I wanna play. I didn't get invited. FELIX: Tell you what; you can play if...Brooke and Lucas play. (Points to them.) (Everyone looks at them. Brooke begrudgingly puts her on top of the pile and after a few moments, so does Lucas.) BROOKE: Pick the stupid teams. FELIX: Alright. Boys against the girls. You six guys against the three girls...plus me. I count as three anyway. TIM: (stupidly) Yeah, three girls(!) (Everyone looks at him.) FELIX: Sweet. Teams are set. (He puts a key on Lucas' envelope.) LUCAS: What's this? FELIX: That my friend...is your first dare. (Lucas raises one eyebrow at him and Felix smirks.) FADE TO BLACK: OPENING CREDITS ROLL: [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - EVENING] (Lucas opens a locker and pulls out a bag. Nathan, Tim, Skills, Fergie and Mouth are standing around him. He pulls out a gold envelope and reads.) LUCAS: Return these clothes to stores in the mall. NATHAN: What's so hard about that? LUCAS: (Reads the back.) (Laughs) While wearing them. (The guys laugh. A cell phone rings. Lucas opens a bag and pulls the phone out.) LUCAS: Hello? FELIX: (Through the phone.) You guys ready to forfeit yet? (Rounds the corner with Brooke, Peyton and Haley.) SKILLS: You talk a big game little booty, but we about to light your ass; up. FELIX: Game on. (Walks off with the girls.) LUCAS: Alright. (Hands Nathan a gold envelope.) Nate you got your picture phone? NATHAN: Yeah. LUCAS: Beautiful. Skills. (Gives him a picture phone.) SKILLS: I got one. LUCAS: Alright boys, that game is to divide and conquer. (Nathan hands out gold envelopes.) Alright, I'll catch up with you guys later. If not, we meet at the café at midnight. NATHAN: You really gonna do this dare? LUCAS: Yeah. You know why? Coz he doesn't think I will. NATHAN: Strong. (Bangs fists with Lucas.) Tim, you're coming with me. TIM: (happily) I'm in it to win it. NATHAN: Just say yes, Tim. (They walk off.) SKILLS: (Holding up a black bra with pink lace.) Damn, he is good. LUCAS: But I'm better. (Skills puts the bra back and gives the bag back to Lucas.) LUCAS: Catch you guys later. (Leaves) SKILLS: Let's do this. (Lucas walks past Felix and smiles.) FELIX: OK, hate to break up Charlie's Angels but...(Hands Peyton the phone.)...you guys take the Cingular phone and do these. (Gives Haley some gold envelopes.) There's nothing too crazy on there. BROOKE: Why do I have to go with you? FELIX: Because this (Holds out a gold envelope to her.) is your first dare. BROOKE: (Takes it with a roll of her eyes. She opens it to look and laughs.) Pleas(!) I could do that in my sleep. FELIX: Great(!) Prove it. (Snatches the envelope back and walks away.) (Haley, Peyton and Brooke laugh and walk off-screen.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL COLLEGE - HARGROVE'S OFFICE - EVENING] (Andy is putting up a picture of 'The Constantines' on his bookcase.) KAREN: (o.s) A little to the left. (She's standing in the doorway. Andy turns his head and sees her. She smiles and he shifts it to the left slightly. Laughs approvingly.) HARGROVE: You like 'The Constantines'? KAREN: Sure. (Walks into his office.) I mean as much as anyone can like a band they've never heard of. (They laugh.) HARGROVE: So um...how's it going? Um...is everything OK? KAREN: You've stopped in for coffee every morning this week and well I-I-I enjoy seeing you it's just, well I'm-I'm not sure it's appropriate. HARGROVE: Well you know, in some cultures ah, you can buy coffee without actually having to have s*x with the café owner. Um, you know, those cultures aren't nearly as much fun for me but what you gonna do? (He laughs.) KAREN: (Mortified) I-I have, I've jumped to conclusions. (pause) I'm sorry. Um...forget that I came by. HARGROVE: Absolutely. Won't mention it again. (Stands) KAREN: Thank you. (Make moves to leave.) HARGROVE: (hurriedly) As long as you have dinner with me. (Karen's shocked and all she can do is stare open-mouthed. Andy smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE MALL - SHOP - DAY] (Lucas stands at the entrance to one of the clothes shops. He's wearing a red, girls, top and leather pants. The cashier sees him and stops.) LUCAS: (Unbuttoning the top to reveal the bra.) I'd like to return this shirt. (Nods) Oh, I happen to have the receipt. (Gives her the receipt.) Here it is, yeah. (Straightens out the bra and groans, trying not to look embarrassed.) CASHIER: Can I ask you why you'd like to return it? LUCAS: Um...wrong size? CASHIER: (Smiles and looks at the bra.) Can't we get you another size? LUCAS: (quickly) No, thanks, no I'm good. I'm good. (Looks around.) Oh um...(To a shopper.)...excuse me? (She looks up.) LUCAS: Would you mind taking a picture? (Shopper smiles as she takes the phone.) SHOPPER: Smile! (Laughs and takes a picture of Lucas and the cashier.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE MALL - EVENING] (Peyton and Haley are at the front of a food court.) PEYTON: (To the worker.) Hi, can we have five pickled eggs please? (Makes a disgusted face.) HALEY: So I had an idea, why don't we just get a picture of you eating one egg and then tell them you ate five. PEYTON: Haley James-Scott, we don't cheat. HALEY: Well you did with Lucas. PEYTON: Don't make me smack you! (Haley smiles.) Here! (Gives Haley the phone.) (To the worker) Thank you. HALEY: Alright, are we doing this now? PEYTON: Here we go(!) HALEY: Do it, do it. Go go go. (Peyton hesitates and then takes a bite out of the red egg. Haley takes a picture and makes a grossed-out sound.) HALEY: Four and a half more to go! (Peyton retches and grabs a napkin to spit the egg out into.) HALEY: Oh, make the five. Mmmm(!) Not cheating tastes good(!) (Peyton shoves the napkin under Haley's nose.) (laughing) Get that away from me you crazy- (Peyton looks disgusted.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BEAUTY PARLOUR - WAITING ROOM - EVENING] (Nathan and Tim walk in to the beauty parlour. It is lit wit candles.) NATHAN: Well this is it. Massage and Spa. TIM: What's the back say? NATHAN: (Flips the card over.) Ask for the special. TIM: (Grabs the envelope.) It's the Happy Ending. (Nathan's confused. Tim furiously rings the bell.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING] (Felix and Brooke are standing near the entrance of the dimly lit restaurant.) BROOKE: OK, so all I have to do is get a table? FELIX: With no waiting. It's the hottest restaurant in town. BROOKE: (Walking with him to the reservation table.) If you insist on wasting my time, at least come up with better dares. (To the waiter.) Hi, I was wondering- WAITER: (Without looking at her.) Name? BROOKE: Brooke Davis. WAITER: No. BROOKE: You didn't even check your list. WAITER: (pause) Perhaps there's another name. BROOKE: Angelina Jolie. WAITER: No. BROOKE: The Queen of Sheeba. WAITER: No. BROOKE: The Queen of Hearts. WAITER: No. BROOKE: How about Queen Latifah? WAITER: I'm afraid not. (Looks back down.) (Felix smiles and takes the waiter away from Brooke's line of hearing. He whispers something to him and Brooke looks smugly.) WAITER: Table for two. Right this way sir. (Walks to a table.) BROOKE: (astounded) How did you do that? FELIX: I made a reservation for two last week. (Walks to the table.) (Brooke stares open-mouthed as she realises that he planned it all.) FELIX: (o.s) Come on team mate. FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - EVENING] (A woman is looking around at the cars. Keith comes up to her.) KEITH: Can I uh...help you? WOMAN: (hurriedly) forty-one thousand four hundred and sixty seven dollars. KEITH: OK... WOMAN: (hurriedly) I know exactly what the dealer invoice on this car is. MSRP, tax, freight. I don't wanna haggle over scotch or...floor mats or anything. (Breathes deeply.) (slower) Take it or leave it. KEITH: And you're sure you want this car? WOMAN: Absolutely(!) KEITH: (Nods) Hmm. Well maybe you wanna test-drive it before you over-pay me. (She just stares at him as he smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE MALL - CLOTHES SHOP - EVENING] (Lucas walks out of the clothes shop. People are standing around looking at him in his leather pants and bra and laughing. He looks down at his phone and smiles. He walks off-screen to find the next shop he has to strip in. a security guard stops and looks at him.) SECURITY GUARD: (Into a walkie talkie.) Cameras, are you seeing this? (Lucas enters the bra shop.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - EVENING] (Skills, Mouth and Fergie look at people practising hitting baseballs against machines.) MOUTH: (Reading from the card.) It says we have to get a hit on the fastest pitching machine. SKILLS: (Putting a helmet, he is holding, on.) Oh man, this all good, back up. MOUTH: Using your head. SKILLS: (Stops. Takes the helmet off and pushes it at Mouth.) Well come on man, get in there. We aint got all day. Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE RESTAURANT - EVENING] (Brooke and Felix are sitting at a small table eating.) BROOKE: So what, you can't get a date. Move to new towns and trick people into eating with you? FELIX: Wow, you totally exposed me. Seriously, I mean mostly naked here. (Brooke smiles snidely.) How bout you? What's your story? BROOKE: Bored and ignored. FELIX: Bored maybe...but you never been ignored by a guy in your life. BROOKE: I meant at home genius. Guys are easy. They usually fall for me over the first...pathetic...little...dinner. FELIX: Yeah? What do they fall for first? The shoplifting or the eating disorder? BROOKE: (Laughs and calls a waiter.) Excuse me(!) (He comes over.) Hi. Just curious; what's your most expensive entrée? WAITER: Well, we have- BROOKE: (Cuts him off.) Sounds great. I'll take two. I'm really hungry. FELIX: (Smiles and claps.) Nicely played. (Wipes his mouth.) I'll be right back. (He gets up and walks away.) (Brooke glares at him, crosses her arms and leans back in her chair.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MASSAGE AND SPA - THERAPY ROOM - EVENING] (Tim is lying on one massage table and Nathan is lying on the other.) MASSEUSE: OK(!) Full body treatment. TIM: (Assuring her.) The special. We want the special. NATHAN: What exactly is the special? MASSEUSE: Oh the special is very nice. Who's first? TIM: (Puts his hand up.) Me(!) MASSEUSE: (Pats him on the back) OK. I'll just peel back your sheet. TIM: (moaning) Oh yeah(!) NATHAN: So this is legitimate right? This is...like a massage? TIM: Dude, shut up! I am concentrating. NATHAN: (anxiously) Yeah, you know what, I-I really don't think I need to be here for this. (Makes to get up.) MASSEUSE: Oh...it won't take long. NATHAN: Yeah, I'll bet. (Sits up.) MASSEUSE: OK, one special(!) Full...body...wax! (Yanks a wax strip off Tim.) (Tim yells in pain.) NATHAN: I'm out(!) (Wraps the sheet around his waist and runs out of the room. Tim, in pain, reaches out Nathan as he runs past.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - EVENING] (Mouth stands in front of the pitching machine, waiting for it to release a ball. One comes shooting out, Mouth dodges.) SKILLS: Come on Mouth, toughen up dawg! MOUTH: It's gonna hurt! SKILLS: So what? Be a warrior. FERGIE: Yeah, take one for the team Mouth. MOUTH: But what about you guys? SKILLS: Man, I'm takin the pictures. FERGIE: I'm helpin him. (Mouth prepares himself as a ball flies at him and hits him on the head. He reels back in pain, hanging onto the netting. Skills takes a picture a little too late.) SKILLS: (whispers) Dang(!) (Louder to Mouth.) Man I missed that one. You gonna have to do it again. Come on, back on the plate. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CLOTHES SHOP - EVENING] LUCAS: (Gives the cashier his receipt.) Uh...I need to return some pants. CASHIER: OK...do you have them? (Lucas, humiliated, pauses before reaching to unbutton the leather pants. A girl stops and looks at him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE RESTAURANT - EVENING] (Felix's phone, on a gold envelope, rings and as he's not there, Brooke answers it.) BROOKE: Hello? FELIX: (At Karen's Café.) You know, you shouldn't be answering my phone. BROOKE: Where the hell are you? FELIX: I'm at the café. BROOKE: (astounded) What(!)? FELIX: Flip the dare card over, and read it. BROOKE: (Reaches for the dare card and flips it over. It says 'Dine and Dash'.) You did not just leave me here(!) (Felix laughs. Brooke looks around at the full restaurant and waiter.) BROOKE: Look, I don't have the money to pay for this and I am not walking out on the cheque(!) FELIX: Why not? I've seen you steal before. (Through the phone.) Besides, I dare ya. (Hangs up.) (Brooke gawps and shuts the phone.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CLOTHES SHOP - EVENING] (Lucas pulls down the leather pants, leaving him in his boxers and nothing else. The cashier looks over to see. Lucas looks up and she laughs embarrassedly. He puts the pants on the counter.) SECURITY GUARD: (Standing and watching.) OK. Just stay put son. (Reaches for his walkie talkie again.) (The girl who was watching him earlier pushes down a clothing rack to distract the guard and begins to run.) ANNA: (To Lucas.) Follow me! Hurry up! (Lucas flips his phone open, quickly takes a picture of himself and the cashier and runs for it. Two guards run after him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE RESTAURANT - EVENING] (Brooke sits at the table, taking deep breaths. She picks her bag up and slowly walks away. A waiter sees her going.) WAITER: Excuse me Miss! Your bill! (Brooke doesn't slow down. She walks past the attendant and out of the restaurant.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE MALL - EVENING] (Anna and Lucas are running through the mall.) ANNA: My car's outside! LUCAS: (Stops) ANNA: (Walks back to him and grabs his arm.) Trust me. (She runs again.) (Lucas looks around at the shoppers, sees the guards and runs after her.) [SCENE_BREAK] COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. ANNA'S CAR - EVENING] (Anna gets into the drivers seat with a bag of Lucas' clothes.) ANNA: Ha, mission accomplished. (Hands the bag over.) (Lucas takes his clothes out.) ANNA: (Holding out the key.) You want the locker key back? LUCAS: No thanks(!) Look, I'm sorry about all of this. I...just...dare night thing. Just didn't wanna back down. (Puts his shirt on.) ANNA: Oh yeah. I-I saw you earlier and I figured it was something like that. I didn't want you to get busted for just having a little fun. LUCAS: (laughs.) Thank you. So what's your name? ANNA: Anna. LUCAS: I'm Lucas. You from Tree Hill? ANNA: Yeah, but...we...wouldn't have met. LUCAS: Why not? ANNA: Oh, I tend not to roll with guys in bras and leather pants. LUCAS: (laughs) You're funny. (Half serious.) (Anna smiles. Lucas climbs into the front seat.) LUCAS: Oh sorry. Anyway, I owe you one. ANNA: Well...how bout you pay me back by letting me play too. LUCAS: (shrugs) OK. ANNA: So? What's next? LUCAS: (Reaching for his back pocket.) Um...I don't know. (Pulls out the envelope.) Lets find out. (He reads it and laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MASSAGE AND SPA - EVENING] (Nathan looks at their next dare.) NATHAN: (o.s) Sell a box of cookies. (Smiles at Tim.) TIM: Great. (Finishes putting his clothes back on.) I get my...crack waxed and you get...cookies. MASSEUSE: (Smiles and holds out a box.) Felix left this for you. (Nathan opens the box and he and Tim look inside.) NATHAN: You know, I really don't like this Felix kid. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. RANDOM RESIDENT'S DOORSTEP - EVENING] (The door opens and we see Nathan and Tim standing on a woman's doorstep wearing a green checked hat and skirt with a white shirt and a green sash that says 'Lady Leprechauns' in gold. They are also wearing white, knee-length socks and heels. Tim is holding out two boxes of cookies.) NATHAN: (Reading from the card.) Good evening Mr and Mrs Tree Hill resident. We're selling these delicious cookies to raise money for 'Lady Leprechauns'. (Tim holds the boxes higher and smiles widely.) NATHAN: (pause) An organisation that empowers us girls to be strong, beautiful, independent women of tomorrow. (Lowers the card.) (The woman slams the door in their faces.) (Nathan and Tim walk away from the house. Nathan takes off his hat and throws it.) NATHAN: Screw this dare night crap! Can't believe I'm wearing a skirt(!) TIM: Yeah, in public. NATHAN: When we get back to the café, I'm gonna beat on that kid. Felix(!) TIM: I think he's kinda cool. NATHAN: You would. (Reads the dare card.) TIM: I'm just saying. One week it's Lucas, now it's Felix. Just tell me who we're hatin on next week Nate coz...I'm kinda having trouble keeping up. NATHAN: Yeah well you wouldn't have that problem if you got a life of your own and quit living mine. (Tim, hurt, looks at him for a while.) TIM: Whatever(!) (Turns and walks away.) NATHAN: (regretful) (sighs) Tim, I didn't mean that. Wait up man. (Tim has difficulty walking after the waxing.) Come on(!) (Keith and the woman drive by in the car. He looks at Tim and his nephew in disbelief.) KEITH: So, um...where was I? WOMAN: You're trying to force me to get the CD changer(!) KEITH: I wasn't forcing you. It's just an option I thought you might like. (She isn't convinced.) There's um...also the leather interior, the...optional touring package...and (Watches her pass a stop sign.) option to pause at stop signs! (She drives onto the pavement. Keith stares at her.) WOMAN: OK, that wasn't my fault. The thing just jumped out at me. KEITH: The stop sign? WOMAN: It practically pounced! KEITH: OK(!) Um...I think maybe I should drive us back. WOMAN: No, I'll be fine. I just get a little nervous. I only have so much money and this is a big decision for me. Besides, car sales men are always such jerks. (Keith smiles.) Why are you smiling at me? KEITH: My brother owns the dealership, I'm just helping out. I'm actually a mechanic. WOMAN: Oh. (pause) (smiles) I like mechanics. (Keith grins at her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - EVENING] (Brooke runs of to the café entrance. Felix is sitting down at a table, writing something. Brooke opens the door and advances on him.) BROOKE: Oh, you are such a jerk! FELIX: Come on, it was just a dare. You got us big points for that one. Lock it up! (Holds out his fist.) BROOKE: (Throws the phone and envelope onto the table.) You should be locked up(!) (Turns to exit.) FELIX: (hastily) Brooke, I'm sorry! Don't go. (She stops and turns.) FELIX: It was just part of the game. I promise. (She just glares at him.) I didn't know you'd be so upset. OK? (Scoffs and looks away from him.) How bout you read the next one? (Holds out an envelope to her.) (She snatches it and yanks the card out of the envelope forcefully.) BROOKE: Go to the cemetery. Hm! (Turns the card.) And take a photo in an open grave(!) That's perfect. Since I plane on killing you, (Shoves the envelope and card into his chest.) anyway! FELIX: I think we get bonus points for that. BROOKE: (Stops and turns at the door.) Great! (Felix follows her out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CLUB - EST SHOT - EVENING] ('Karaoke Night' is written in big letters outside of the brightly lit bar.) SKILLS: (v.o) Hey yo, Fergie, what's the next dare? FERGIE: (v.o) Karaoke. SKILLS AND FERGIE: Mouth! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CLUB - THE STAGE - EVENING] (Mouth is on the stage with a mic.) MOUTH: #I like big butts and I can not lie, You other brothers can't deny, (Skills and Fergie are standing behind Mouth on the stage.) MOUTH: When a girls walks in with an itty bitty waist And a round thing in your face You get sprung! (The women in the audience look a little shocked.) Wanna pull up front Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE FOUNTAIN - EVENING] (Lucas and Anna are taking money out of a fountain.) ANNA: (Counting the money in her hand.) OK, I got three dollars aaand...eighty cents! LUCAS: Alright, we need five dollars. (Counting his own money.) ANNA: Oh, a quarter! (Reaches into the water again.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CLUB - THE STAGE - EVENING] MOUTH: #Fellas SKILLS AND FERGIE: (yeah), MOUTH: Fellas SKILLS AND FERGIE: (yeah) MOUTH: Has your girlfriend got the butt? SKILLS AND FERGIE: (hell yeah) MOUTH: Well shake it, SKILLS AND FERGIE: Shake it, MOUTH: Shake it, SKILLS AND FERGIE: Shake it, MOUTH: Shake that healthy butt Baby got back (Mouth does some strange and hilarious butt shaking. The females are enjoying it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - PITCHING MACHINES - EVENING] (Peyton is standing in front of the pitching machines with a helmet on, waiting for it to release a ball. Haley holds the phone out.) HALEY: OK, hold on a second. (The ball flies out and hits Peyton on her helmet covered head. She falls down, dazed.) HALEY: Oh, oh my gosh! Are you OK? It look- (Another one flies out and hits Haley on the back.) Oh(!) (Another ball comes flying.) Ooh. (She runs off the field.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CLUB - THE STAGE - EVENING] (Mouth is doing a weird dance and the audience is going crazy.) MOUTH: #So ladies AUDIENCE: (yeah), MOUTH: Ladies AUDIENCE: (yeah) MOUTH: If you wanna role in my Mercedes AUDIENCE: (yeah) MOUTH: Then turn around (Turns to the side.) Stick it out (Sticks his butt out.) Even white boys got to shout MOUTH, SKILLS AND FERGIE: Baby got back(!) (Skills takes footage of the audience going nuts. Mouth is still dancing crazily.) MOUTH, SKILLS AND FERGIE: Baby got back. (Mouth continues to dance.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. RIVER WALK - EVENING] (Shot of the river and a hotdog stand near it.) KAREN: (o.s) So this is dinner. HARGROVE: I want you to have anything you want. I'm rich you know. KAREN: Well I'm getting chilli on mine(!) HARGROVE: (To the man.) Thank you. (They slowly walk to the rails.) HOTDOG SALESMAN: Thank you. HARGROVE: So uh...I know that my class is obviously the highlight of your week (Karen laughs) but what else do you like to do? KAREN: Mostly school and the café and my son. HARGROVE: (Looks at her.) You have a son? Nice. KAREN: (Eats) Yeah. (nods) LUCAS: Well he's got a tough mom. I think it's so great that you went back to school in your late twenties you know. (Gives him a look.) Early thirties? KAREN: Hmm. (Shakes her head. They stop at the rails, overlooking the river.) HARGROVE: My god, how old are you? KAREN: Old enough to have never heard of that band, 'The Constantines'. HARGROVE: Ah, but you see, now you're one of the hip kids. KAREN: (laughing) Hardly. So I was uh...thinking about what you said last week; about challenging yourself, moving forward. Well I had a plan that I would open another business here in Tree Hill and I discussed it with my business partner and...we decided to take the plunge. HARGROVE: Can I invest? KAREN: (Pretends to think.) No(!) But what would you say to some ice-cream? HARGROVE: (joking) Oh it's fine but I'm not really made of money Karen. KAREN: (Laughs) My treat. (Turns and walks slowly.) HARGROVE: (following) Well I love ice-cream but...if you bought me ice-cream, ah-you, does this mean that uh... KAREN: You know, there are some cultures where you can actually have ice-cream- HARGROVE: Yeah, I get it. KAREN: Yeah. HARGROVE: I-I get it. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING] (Lucas and Anna are sitting at a table in some restaurant, eating.) LUCAS: (Throws a napkin onto the table.) How much do I owe you for the pizza? ANNA: Nothing. (He gives her a look.) I took a little extra from the fountain. (Lucas laughs.) This is...weird. Isn't it? Oh I mean, people don't just meet and hang out like this. Unless it's a hook-up. (He laughs again.) And it's not? LUCAS: (Shakes his head.) I didn't think it was. Besides, not doing that anymore. ANNA: (Smiling) Anymore? LUCAS: (Stops drinking.) Long story. Trust me. ANNA: Do you think two people can get to know each other...without ever going into their long stories? LUCAS: Sure. (He's not telling.) ANNA: But isn't who you were a part of who you are? LUCAS: (Sighs) Maybe, but I guess I'm saying that; I don't really need to know the person that you used to be. As much...as the person that you're trying to be. ANNA: (Smiles) Yeah...me too. (They look at each other for a beat.) You ready for our next dare? LUCAS: (Catching himself.) Oh, yeah. Um...(Pulls out the envelope and gives it to her.) Do the honours. ANNA: (Reads it.) Take a photo, with a stranger...(Obviously meaning herself.)...in a photo booth. LUCAS: Hmm. (They look around and Anna spots one.) ANNA: Come on. (They walk inside it and sit down together. Lucas struggles to reach for his money while in the small booth.) ANNA: So. (pause) I have a confession to make. (Lucas looks at her.) The card doesn't say take a photo with a stranger in a photo booth. (Lucas laughs and puts four quarters into the slots.) LUCAS: No? (He pushes the slider and the money disappears.) ANNA: No. it says...make out with a stranger in a photo booth. (Lucas grins and one photo is taken.) LUCAS: Ah, here's the thing, ah- ANNA: Look, it's just a dare, right? I mean...it's no big deal. (Lucas kisses her and another photo is taken.) LUCAS: There's a part two right? ANNA: (Reads the back.) Ah; bonus points. You're gonna have to get out for this one. (Lucas groans and makes to leave but she grabs his shirt - there are still two more pictures left to take. She pulls him back and kisses him. The third photo is taken.) LUCAS: Mm, (Slightly dazed.) enjoy. (Walks out of the booth.) (She moves into the middle, and Lucas waits outside. Anna closes the curtain all the way. He waits for a moment and the last picture is taken. She step out, straightening her top.) ANNA: OK(!) What's next? LUCAS: You gonna tell what it was? (The pictures come out of the slot but the fourth one is covered. She pulls it out, hiding the fourth one, and puts it into her belt strap.) ANNA: Maybe(!) (Walks past him. Lucas laughs sardonically and follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE CEMETERY - EVENING] (Brooke and Felix walk through the cemetery. Felix is holding a flashlight.) BROOKE: (Whispering) OK, so I'm kinda thinking that...maybe we don't really need these points so much. FELIX: Come on(!) I'll protect you. (Holds her arm.) BROOKE: (Pulls her arm free.) Yeah, that's exactly what I'm counting on. FELIX: Well maybe you prefer Lucas. BROOKE: (Stops and turns to face him.) What did Mouth tell you?! FELIX: (Stops too.) Nothing. We move around a lot, school cliques are easy to read; who rolls with who, that kinda thing. You and Lucas obviously had something. BROOKE: Yeah we had something. (Her pain is still evident.) (Pause) We had something fake and painful that I'm not gonna discuss with you and a bunch of dead people. (Pause) What about you anyway? I can't imagine anyone would actually date you. FELIX: The question is; why would I date them? When I could just hook up with them instead. (Brooke glares.) You know, friends with benefits. No strings attached. BROOKE: I don't think that works. Somebody always ends up getting hurt. (Begin to walk again.) FELIX: Not if you're upfront about it. Think about it; you had s*x this year, and so did I (Pause) but I didn't end up in a cemetery talking about how painful it was. (Brooke looks at him. He's right, it might not be ethical, but he's right.) FELIX: Oh perfect(!) (Walks up to an open grave and shines a torch down into it.) This one will do. (Looks at Brooke.) in you go. BROOKE: Oh no! You haven't done anything tonight. Why do I have to go? FELIX: I gotta work the camera phone. Besides, you wouldn't be able to pull me out. (Brooke looks into the grave.) BROOKE: (Miserably) I really don't like you. (He smiles.) OK. Eurgh. (Kneels down.) FELIX: Be careful. BROOKE: (Sits at the edge of the hole. He takes her hands, she holds on and he lowers her in.) Argh! (Lands on her feet with a thump and grumbles angrily.) FELIX: (Rubs his hands to free them of dirt.) OK. See you later. (Begins to walk away.) BROOKE: FELIX, DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE ME HERE! (Felix takes a few steps and stops. He turns back laughing.) FELIX: I'm just playing. (Brooke sneers.) FELIX: Hold on. (Takes out the phone.) Let me get a picture. (He holds the phone out, Brooke makes a face. A cop car drives past, shining a light into the cemetery and at them. Felix jumps into the hole before they can see him and pulls Brooke to the side, against him.) BROOKE: What're you doing!? FELIX: (Switches the torch off.) Sushhh. (The car drives away.) FADE TO BLACK: [SCENE_BREAK] COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. THE ZOO -SNAKE HOUSE - EVENING] (Camera pans to show snakes of all sizes and types in glass tanks. Fergie, Mouth and Skills creep into the snake house. Skills is looking very uncomfortable and just a little bit scared.) (Skills bumps into Mouth.) MOUTH: (Whispering) Stop it(!) SKILLS: Yo man, this dare is totally screwed up dawg. FERGIE: Borrow a wild animal for the zoo? MOUTH: It's like that movie where they try to steal the cougar but... SKILLS: (Scared) But what? FERGIE: Cougar ate their ass didn't it? MOUTH: Sort of. (Fergie nods.) SKILLS: (Looks at a cobra rears its head up.) Mouth man, I said a bird man. We in a damn snake house! Man, I'm not stealin no snake, dawg. Nothing with teeth, fangs or claws. Man forget it(!) (Fergie and Mouth look behind them to a snake that's climbing its glass house. They walk off. Skills follows quickly. We hear snakes hissing and rattling.) MOUTH: I guess we could try for a fish. SKILLS: Uh-uh. Too slimy. (Mouth and Fergie just look at him.) SKILLS: Look, I got a problem with animals OK? I've never had a pet. I bet you Felix knows that too. I mean that dude is psychotic. FERGIE: (Correcting) Psychic. SKILLS: Yeah, dat too. (They nod and walk off-screen. Close up of a yellow and white snake hissing.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE CEMETERY - EVENING] (The cop car flashes it's light and drives off.) FELIX: OK, I think they're gone. Gimme a boost. BROOKE: Are you kidding? Your shoes are muddy. FELIX: It's either you give me a boost or be buried alive girly girl. BROOKE: Huh(!) Fine(!) (She puts one hand one top of the other, and holds it out.) (He puts a foot on and boosts him out while making disgusted noises. He climbs out.) BROOKE: OK. Get me out. (Holds out her arms.) (They struggle as he helps her out. He laughs. She angrily brushes dirt out of her hair.) BROOKE: Stupid dare night. Where did you come up with this ridiculousness anyway? I mean, what is the point!? FELIX: (Seriously) The point is simple; see how far you'll go. You face your fears. And sometimes you'll do things you wanna do because calling it a dare makes it OK for a night. BROOKE: Things like what? FELIX: Like spending time with me. (Brooke scoffs and turns away from him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CHURCH - EVENING] (Haley and Peyton stand at the front of the church, looking at the cross and stained glass windows.) PEYTON: So we never really talked about the wedding. Like...how you got there. HALEY: I told you; I got dressed, I...threw up at my parent's house, brushed, flossed and...went to the beach. PEYTON: OK, hard image to forget. (Haley laughs.) Uh, but, I meant more like, uh, I don't know; how your heart got there. Marriage is big. I don't know how you trust somebody for your whole life. I can't even...date somebody with that escape hatch. HALEY: (Pause) I don't know if it was so much about trusting Nathan - which I do - it was...more about trusting myself. PEYTON: Yeah, my old friend; self doubt. I dunno, sometimes everything seem...really simple and then- HALEY: It's not? PEYTON: (Pause) Yeah. (beat) HALEY: Alright, so what does this card say again? (She's holding an envelope.) PEYTON: Uh, we're supposed to...go to the confessional and read whatever's on the card except you're not supposed to read it until we get in there. HALEY: Right, right, right. So um...OK, so here's the deal; I'm actually trying to avoid eternal damnation (Peyton smiles.)...so...I'm gonna pass. PEYTON: Alright. (Takes the envelope that Haley holds out while laughing.) Give it. (Peyton walks into the confessional. Haley sits in one of the seats and Peyton sits inside the booth and sighs. The priest opens the window...thing.) PEYTON: (Reads from the card.) Bless me father for I have sinned. (She turns the card over and it says; 'Bless me father for I have sinned. You see, lately I've been having impure thoughts about my neighbour's dog.') You see, lately I've been having impure thoughts about... (She trails off. We see a shot of her eyes, red and filled with tears.) PEYTON: (Ignoring the card.) Um...actually, I haven't been doing very well lately. This is...the first time I've been in a church since my mom died. (She looks down desolately.) (Whispering) I think about her every day(!) I just...I wonder what she would say to me right now if she could see me and see how I've been living. (Pause) And I wonder if she knows and most days, I fall short of being the person that she wanted me to be. Or...(Crying) I wonder of she saw me do that line of coke last week(!) And the thing is...I don't even know why I did it. You know, my life is pretty good, (nods) it is. Um...but...I was just searching for something to make it great. S-something to make it matter (Pause) so...I don't know, I guess last week when I had the chance to change that and it was...it was right there in front of me, I guess I was just scared to let that go. Um...but I know it was wrong. And I want my mom to know that and um...I want her to know that I am not that person. And I'm not going to be. PRIEST: I'm sure she knows. (Peyton looks down crying. Shot of the outside of the confessional.) NATHAN: (v.o) Tim, wait up(!) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. GOLF COURSE - EVENING] (Nathan is trying to get Time to stop.) NATHAN: I said I was sorry. I didn't mean to tear you down(!) TIM: Then why did you? NATHAN: Because I was pissed at Felix alright? And you were defending him. I just don't like him flirting with Haley. Tim: It's always about Haley. NATHAN: No it's not always about her. Tim, what do you want me to say? She's my wife now. TIM: (Stops and turns.) You know, we used to be tight(!) It was always you and me. (Nathan sighs.) Now you're constantly with Haley or Lucas, and there's never any time for us to hang out. Don't you miss your 'Tim Time'? NATHAN: Do I miss hanging out with you? Yes. Do I miss you saying things like 'Tim Time'? No. (Tim looks away.) Look, Tim, I know a lot of things have changed but us being friends isn't one of them. We've been boys a long time now. I wouldn't trade that for anything. Especially now that everything's so crazy. Alright? TIM: (Looks down.) Can we at least finish 'Dare Night'? NATHAN: Yeah absolutely. TIM: Good. Coz this next one's great. (Turns and walks over the rope bridge. Nathan smiles and follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - EVENING] (Keith walks back into the shop with the woman - who is now called Julez.) KEITH: Well I'd, uh, point out the safety features but I think that fact that uh, you know, we got back in one piece speaks for itself. (He enters the office. She stands in the doorway.) KEITH: Look Julez; you picked a good car. But um...the price you offered me was a grand too high and uh...I couldn't take a penny more. JULEZ: (Squints at him.) Is this some new car selling trick? KEITH: How would I know? I'm just a mechanic. JULEZ: (Smiles.) How bout if I think about it? KEITH: Was my counter offer too low? JULEZ: No, I just figured that if I wait a few days, then you'll have to call me. (Smiles) You have my number. (Walks out.) KEITH: Wow. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CHURCH - EVENING] (Peyton walks up to where Haley's sitting and sits down.) HALEY: Eternal damnation for you? PEYTON: (Pause) I-I think jury's still out on that one. HALEY: Are you OK? PEYTON: (Thinking) Yeah. (Pause) Thanks for hanging out with me tonight Haley. (Haley nods.) You're a good friend. HALEY: (Laughs, slightly confused.) Thanks. This was fun. I'm glad we did this. I needed a night like 'Dare Night'. PEYTON: Yeah, me too. (They look at each other. Peyton smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. GOLF COURSE - EVENING] (Nathan and Tim walk onto the course. Shot of a tiki god.) NATHAN: Steal the Tiki God from the second hole right? TIM: (Gives Nathan the envelope.) Here, check out part two. (Pulls his pants down.) (Nathan looks at the card.) TIM: Get it? Dude, the hole's number two(!) (Tim bends down and Nathan looks at him.) NATHAN: There is something wrong with you. You know that right? (Tim struggles. Nathan looks away.) NATHAN: Oh(!) TIM: (o.s) What? I didn't write the dare card. (Nathan sighs but can't hold back a smile.) TIM: Dude, hand me the camera and give me some leaves alright? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL COLLEGE - ANDY'S OFFICE - EVENING] (Karen and Andy enter his office.) HARGROVE: Thanks for hanging out tonight. KAREN: Well thank you. (Pause) Well um...I better get going. I've got a business class in the morning and my teacher is a tyrant. HARGROVE: Yeah, I heard about that guy. (He smiles as she starts to leave.) Karen, um, (Pause) I think you're doing a great thing; going after you new club. It's a (Points to The Constantines picture.) 'Loosen up your collar', 'Run like a river', 'Glow like a beacon fire'. KAREN: Constantines? HARGROVE: Oh, see how cool you are? KAREN: (Laughs) Um Andy, what I said earlier...I did misread the café visit right? HARGROVE: (Nods) Absolutely not. I'll see you in class Miss Roe. (Karen nods and leaves. Andy smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. STREET - EVENING] LUCAS: So, it's almost midnight. The dares are done, we should head back. ANNA: Actually, I can't. I need to take off. LUCAS: You know, uh, I had this...weird history of meeting girls and them...disappearing at the end of the night. (She smiles.) You sure you can't meet my friends? ANNA: (Pause) Not tonight. (Lucas is disappointed.) But how bout...you give me your number? (Give him her phone so he can save it in the phonebook.) (He saves his number.) LUCAS: Can I have yours too? ANNA: Luke, it was just 'Dare Night', right? (She takes the pictures out of her pocket and tears it in half, giving him one half and keeping the other. He laughs; she's not going to show him what the second part of that dare was. He takes the pictures.) No bonus points for you. (She opens her car door.) LUCAS: Anna? (Pause) I dare you to call me. (She smiles, gets in the car and starts it up. Lucas watches her drive off and looks at the picture. He smiles.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - EVENING] (Everyone except Mouth, Skills and Fergie are around one table. Felix is counting up the points.) FELIX: The guys trail by a hundred and fifty points. PEYTON: (Claps) Yes(!) (Sniggers at Tim.) MOUTH: We're here. (Mouth, Skills and Fergie enter with a box.) LUCAS: What is that? (Skills and Fergie put it on the table.) MOUTH: We had to capture a wild animal from the zoo. SKILLS: (Seriously) Yeah, you might wanna back up. This thing is kinda ferocious. (Partially hides behind Mouth.) (Fergie lifts the lid to reveal a saltwater turtle. Everyone yells and laughs. Haley laughs.) SKILLS: Go ahead and laugh, but you shoulda seen this thing before we tamed it. I'm telling you, it was vicious. I mean it was snapping and-and...oh man! (Everyone laughs again. Haley pets the turtle.) FELIX: Well, well. With your other dares, it appears to be a tie. TIM: Oh no, no. Wait, don't forget this. (He pulls out the phone and shows Felix his last dare.) (Tim smiles.) FELIX: (Shocked) DUDE! What the hell are you doing?! TIM: (Shows the card.) It says it right here on the dare card. FELIX: (Laughs) Man, that's a typo. It's supposed to say take a shot on the second hole. (Tim is mortified, everyone back away from him disgusted.) HALEY: Tim(!) BROOKE: Gross(!) FELIX: (Laughing) No dice. It's still a tie (Tim throws the envelope onto the table.) and I just happen to have a tie breaker. (He gives Brooke an envelope.) BROOKE: (Takes it with a roll of her eyes.) (Laughs sarcastically.) Kiss a team mate on the mouth. NATHAN: Well I guess you guys win. (He's not kissing any guy.) TIM: Damn it(!) BROOKE: Convenient(!) (Throws the letter onto the table.) OK. (Stands up, puts her arm on Felix's shoulder and leans across him, kissing Peyton on the mouth!) (Peyton yells.) BROOKE: Sorry! (Peyton shoves Felix and laughs. Tim is amazed.) NATHAN: (Stunned, grinning.) OK! (Clapping) Alright. FELIX: (Smiles and shakes his head.) (Shrugging) Unless any of you guys...kissed a stranger in a photo booth...that's the only dare you didn't do. (Lucas looks shifty while all the other guys shake their heads and shrug.) PEYTON: (o.s) Anybody? (Shot of Lucas' jeans pocket. He half takes out the picture of himself and Anna.) PEYTON: (o.s) Come on(!) (Peyton has her arms around both Brooke and Haley. They wait in anticipation.) (Lucas covers the picture and puts it back into his pocket.) LUCAS: Sorry guys. Guess they win. (Haley, Peyton and Brooke jump and yell excitedly. The guys shrug and mope slightly, Tim does. Nathan and Lucas smile.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. RIVER - EVENING] (Mouth, Skills and Fergie take the box with the turtle to the river.) MOUTH: You know Skills, you could always keep him. He could be your first pet. SKILLS: (Holding the box.) Man, I'm not bout to keep some creepy looking turtle, dawg. (Mouth laughs.) Besides, caged up aint living. He need to be free. (He opens the box and takes it out. He puts it on the ground and it scuttles off into the water.) SKILLS: There you go. FERGIE: You realise that was a saltwater turtle right? (Mouth and Skills give him a 'now you tell us' look.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Haley, Nathan and Tim enter the apartment and Haley turns a light on.) HALEY: (To Nathan.) Hey, did you have fun tonight? NATHAN: Eventually, missed you though. (He kisses her.) (Haley opens the fridge and hands out beer.) TIM: (Dejectedly) I guess I'll see you later then. (Turns away.) NATHAN: Tim. (Tim stops.) How bout a game of NBA Live? TIM: (Happily) Alright. (Jumps onto the couch.) (Haley winks at him and walks into the bedroom. Nathan sits next to Nathan.) TIM: You see, the 'Tim' is on the house and you better recognise th- NATHAN: (Interrupting) Just say you're gonna beat me Tim. (Nathan smiles at Tim. Tim smiles back and Nathan shakes his head.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S ROOM - EVENING] (Peyton sits on her bed with her sketch book out. She stares at the blank pages, pen in hand.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - DAN'S OFFICE - EVENING] (Keith looks at Julez's test drive form. It shows her phone number and age - which is 26. Keith smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. STREETS - EVENING] (Felix and Brooke walk to their houses.) FELIX. Admit it; you had a good time tonight. BROOKE: By a good time, you mean wasting an entire evening of my life that I can never get back? Then sure. (They stop at her doorstep.) I have a question for you. (Felix raises his head.) You said you read people and that's how you knew to invite all of us tonight. (He nods.) So how'd you read me? FELIX: (Pause) I don't know about you yet. (Pause) Gonna have to watch you a little more. (Smiles and she smiles back.) (Brooke turns to enter her house.) So I guess this night makes us friends(!) (She stops and turns smiling.) Right? BROOKE: (Pause) Maybe. FELIX: Friends with benefits? BROOKE: (Gives him is jacket.) I'll think about it. (He takes it and she walks into her house. He smiles as he watches her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ANNA'S HOUSE - ANNA'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Anna is on her bed, looking at the pictures of herself and Lucas, her thumb is covering the last picture. Someone walks in front of the camera.) FELIX: How was the mall? (Anna sees him and covers the picture.) ANNA: You don't know? FELIX: (Leans on her door, confused) How would I? ANNA: Fine. So, what'd you do tonight? FELIX: (Shakes his head.) Not much. Just explored really. (He smiles.) Trying to figure this place out. ANNA: I think we're gonna like it here Felix. FELIX: Yeah. (Pause) Me too. (Anna smiles.) OK. Goodnight little sister. (Walks out of her bedroom.) (Anna looks at the picture again.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - LUCAS' ROOM - EVENING] (Shot of Lucas' pictures with Anna. Cut to Lucas looking at them. He smiles. Karen walks to his doorway.) KAREN: Hey. (Lucas hides the picture.) How was your night? LUCAS: Was good(!) Yours? KAREN: It was good. (Lucas smiles.)
Plan: A: Felix; Q: Who organizes a "dare night" to test the limits of his new classmates? A: Lucas; Q: Who meets Anna? A: Peyton; Q: Who confesses to the church that she recently tried cocaine? A: Keith; Q: Who is caught off guard when a beautiful woman comes to the dealership and begins flirting with him? A: Karen; Q: Who goes on a date with Andy? A: her younger professor; Q: Who is Andy? A: The Replacements; Q: What band did the episode "Dare Night" come from? Summary: Felix organizes a "dare night" to test the limits of his new classmates. While out playing the game, Lucas meets a mysterious new girl, Anna, and Peyton tearfully confesses to the church that she recently tried cocaine. Keith is caught off guard when a beautiful woman comes to the dealership and begins flirting with him. Meanwhile, Karen goes on a date with Andy, her younger professor. This episode is named after a song by The Replacements .
Planet of Giants [SCENE_BREAK] By Louis Marks 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, EXT: FLOWER BED BARBARA: But who'd kill insects in a perfectly ordinary garden? I mean pests one can understand, but surely it's wrong to kill bees and worms and things isn't it? DOCTOR: Quite so. Both are vital to the growth of things. However, we must leave this little mystery and get back to the ship. As I said my dear, it's fortunate for all of us that everything is dead... (Susan turns to leave and stiffens, transfixed.) SUSAN: Grandfather! (They all look up, and straight into the face of a cat the size of a house.) IAN: Don't move, any of you. DOCTOR: And whatever you do, don't look into the cat's eyes. Close your own if you want to. IAN: Doctor, I think the cat's losing interest. DOCTOR: Don't relax! One swipe of it's paw would smash us to pieces! [SCENE_BREAK] 2, EXT: PATIO (The cat slowly turns and walks off past the Farrow's feet towards the cottage.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3, EXT: FLOWER BED DOCTOR: Well we can't get back to the ship just yet, and you know how fast cats can move. And another thing, we could be mistaken for mice and I don't fancy being part of the cat's diet! BARBARA: Oh it gets more horrifying every moment! SUSAN: Look, couldn't we make contact with the people here somehow? DOCTOR: No, I'm afraid not. SUSAN: Well why not, they might be able to help us. DOCTOR: It's out of the question my dear, how could we possibly communicate with them? IAN: Imagine a record played at the wrong speed, Susan. We'd sound like a little squeak to them, and they'd sound like a low growl to us. BARBARA: Anyway, even if we could communicate, what would they do to us? We're freaks. They'd put us in a glass case and examine us through a microscope! SUSAN: Oh that's a thought isn't it. DOCTOR: And I would add another and more important factor. The people that live in this house are murderers, or one of them is. Therefore, we can't expect sympathy and understanding from an insane or a criminal mind! IAN: Yes, what about that dead man? BARBARA: Oughtn't we to do something about it? DOCTOR: Well what can we do my dear? I mean, surely this is the question. Normally I wouldn't hesitate, but the destruction of the life-force is frightful, but there it is! I mean, what can we do as we are? IAN: Well, I can't see any sign of that cat, however much safety that gives us. DOCTOR: Well, shall we proceed? (from a distance away a steady clump-clump-clump begins approaches the garden where the TARDIS crew are standing and a shadow falls over the entire area.) IAN: I can see a huge leg coming, run! DOCTOR: This...this way! (The Doctor runs towards the safety of the grass knocking Barbara flying.) BARBARA: Oh! (Ian moves to help Barbara up, and Susan runs back to them.) IAN: Oh, Barbara! Go-on Susan, SUSAN: But I can help you Ian! IAN: Go-on! (Susan runs back to the grass and vanishes inside.) BARBARA: Sorry! IAN: It's alright, this way, quickly! (Ian leads Barbara rush South across the patio.) SUSAN: Grandfather, Grandfather, they're almost stepped on! DOCTOR: Oh they're alright, they're alright. It's a pity they didn't come this way though. SUSAN: Well shall we go over to them? DOCTOR: No, no, it's dangerous! Let's go over to that pipe there! (He indicates to a nearby drain-pipe.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4, EXT: PATIO (Farrow's old brown leather briefcase lies on the patio where he put it down.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5, EXT: WESTERN PATIO (Ian looks about for cover on the patio, but everywhere is exposed apart from one place.) IAN: Barbara, quick in the briefcase, it's our only chance! (Ian and Barbara rush towards the battered briefcase and slip into a gap in the side.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6, EXT PATIO (A rat-faced man with greasy thinning hair dressed in a crusty, stained lab coat examines the corpse.) SMITHERS: Are you sure he's dead? FORESTER: Of course I'm sure! You know he had a gun? SMITHERS: He didn't seem the sort of man who'd need one. FORESTER: He'd pulled it out of his pocket and told me he was stealing the formula! I struggled with him, the gun must have been turned to his body, it went off! (Smithers rolls the body over and gives it a cursory examination, and looks up.) SMITHERS: I wouldn't try telling that story to the police if I were you. FORESTER: Oh, why not? (Forester's tone gains a little more ice than normal for a moment.) SMITHERS: Oh don't be a fool, he's been shot through the heart from some feet away! Even I can see that, and I'm no expert! (He motions to Farrow's blood-stained shirt.) SMITHERS: No powder burns around the bullet hole. FORESTER: You're very detached about it. SMITHERS: Well what did you expect, hysterics? I've seen more death than you can imagine, people dying of starvation all over the world. What do you think I started on research for? What puzzles me is how cool you are. FORESTER: I don't feel guilty if that's what you mean. (Forester casually sits down in the chair.) FORESTER: I'm too busy working out what the implications are. (Smithers stands up, wipes his hand on his jacket and gazes into the distance past Forester in a derisory manner.) SMITHERS: Destroying the last years work that's what it means. And if that seems callous, well alright, it is! Farrow was pushed onto me and he was a nuisance and a fool. Always checking every minor detail... (He gains a fanatical glint in his eye.) I worked fifteen, sometimes sixteen hours a day every day on this experiment... FORESTER: (In a bored tone.) Yes I know... SMITHERS: (He looks around arrogantly.) You don't know anything! All you care about is how much money you can make! (He moves over to the chair and gestures.) SMITHERS: Why did you have to kill him?!! Couldn't you have given him money, bought him off? Oh, what's the use... (He turns away again.) FORESTER: Look, Smithers, I know what you've put into the experiment, but this doesn't mean the end of everything. SMITHERS: Of course it does. You've ruined everything, it's all finished, wasted. FORESTER: Not necessarily... (He gets up and moves beside Smithers, lowering his tone.) FORESTER: Farrow was going on holiday, he has a boat. He was going to cross to France by himself in it. It's anchored about ten miles away. SMITHERS: Yes, I know. FORESTER: If the police were to find an overturned boat and a body out at sea somewhere... SMITHERS: (He looks at Forester in horror.) But..! FORESTER: Don't worry, you can leave it all to me. I'll tow an outboard with me and come back in that. SMITHERS: Well I... That's your business. (He looks away nonchalantly.) I don't want to know about it. (Forester moves to the side of Smithers so that he's parallel with his ear, without looking directly at him, in a menacing manner.) FORESTER: You say all I want out of the experiment is money, but you want something too, don't you? You want to see it finished, be known as the inventor of it. If the truth came out about Farrow, you can say goodbye to all that. (Smithers regards Forester regaining his righteous indignation.) SMITHERS: The experiment must go through, it's too important! Nothing else matters, not if we can save people from dying of starvation! That's what I care about Forester! FORESTER: Alright we'll move the body. As far as you're concerned Farrow left here to go to his boat. I'll put his briefcase in the lab first. (He picks up the briefcase and walks towards the door of the house.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7, INT: LABORATORY (The door opens and Forester enters, places down the briefcase and leaves again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8, INT: TABLETOP (Ian and Barbara emerge from the fold of the briefcase, rubbing their aching limbs.) IAN: Come on Barbara, get out of here before it moves again. BARBARA: Oh...that was worse than the big dipper. IAN: It was. You know we were lucky this case was full. Course, it had to happen to us, of all the places to pick, hah, we had to choose one that was movable! BARBARA: Have you any idea where we are? (Ian shakes his head and looks up and around.) IAN: That's a ceiling up there. That means we're indoors and the Doctor and Susan are outside. You've hurt your ankle? BARBARA: Oh It's alright, I didn't hit it badly. Oh, I also banged my knee against a large piece of metal. IAN: Yeah, well there were a lot of things flying around in there, we were very lucky. BARBARA: Yes, but you know what the metal was... IAN: What? BARBARA: It sounds ridiculous, it was a paperclip. (She laughs.) IAN: Hah. Yes, well, the only thing to do is to keep in the open. If we must hide, hide behind things. BARBARA: Do you think we could find some water? I wouldn't mind bathing my ankle for a bit. IAN: Yes, alright. I'll..I'll go and have a look over here. (Ian heads off across the table.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9, EXT: PATIO FORESTER: Let's move the body. (They move over to the corpse.) FORESTER: Where can we put him? SMITHERS: In a store room. (Forester rolls over the body and both he and Smithers take an arm each and drag it away past a drain.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10 EXT: DRAINPIPE (Below the pipe is a sunken grille leading down into the drain. The Doctor pokes his head cautiously above the border and looks up, he is joined by the head of Susan.) DOCTOR: They've gone (Susan pokes her head up.) SUSAN: Its better when they're a long way away, isn't it? (The Doctor stands and Susan pulls herself up and sits on the border.) DOCTOR: Are you sure you saw one of them pick up the briefcase and go into that building behind us? SUSAN: Well I definitely saw him pick up the briefcase. Well when he walked past us it was just like a mountain just a blur, you know. But he must have gone inside the house! (The Doctor walks across one of the bars towards the pipe, but slips a little.) DOCTOR: Ooh, ah.. (Susan rushes over and helps steady him.) SUSAN: Careful Grandfather, well don't fall down there will you? DOCTOR: Oh-hah-Ooh POO! FAWF! An awful smell of chemical in there! SUSAN: Oh yes. DOCTOR: Foof! Oh, hm. SUSAN: It's not just an ordinary drainpipe is it? DOCTOR: Now, I wonder if that pipe extends into the room where that briefcase went. SUSAN: Are you thinking of climbing up the inside of it? DOCTOR: Yes, yes of course my dear, there's no other way. If you go in there you'll see it's all corroded so there's plenty of hand and foot holds. And that chemical smell means that it's germ free. SUSAN: Oh, but it's too far for you grandfather! DOCTOR: Well If it is, then I shall have to give up, and I'm not going to give up before I've tried. And remember you must think of the other two, they must be constantly reminding themselves they're only one in five! SUSAN: Mm DOCTOR: There's only the two of us to help them! SUSAN: Alright, but you let me go first. DOCTOR: Yes-yes yes go-on... (Susan leads the way into the open drainpipe.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11, INT: TABLETOP IAN: Nothing much that way, except what I took to be a gas tap. No water though Barbara, sorry. BARBARA: Oh it's alright, seems to be better now. I'll have a shocking bruise on my knee though. IAN: Oh, I wish I could do something to help you. BARBARA: Do you think we ought to try in this direction? IAN: Yeah BARBARA: Wait a minute IAN: Well it's the only one we haven't explored, unless we go further afield. BARBARA: Now let's see... (Barbara gets up from where she is sitting on the rim of the briefcase with a little help from Ian.) IAN: Alright? BARBARA: Yes that's fine. IAN: Sure? BARBARA: Right. Let's try that way. IAN: Uh-huh (Ian leads the way across the table.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12, INT: DRAINPIPE (Susan is climbing up the inside of the pipe, the Doctor can be heard from some point below her. Both of them sound exhausted from the climb, the Doctor rather more than Susan.) SUSAN: Are you alright down there Grandfather? DOCTOR VO: Yes... I'm alright my dear, I can manage very well. SUSAN: Good. Oh it's just as well this pipe's corroded isn't it, there are plenty of footholds. DOCTOR VO: Good. Well, onwards and upwards my dear, eh? SUSAN: Yeah... [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: TABLETOP IAN: Look at those enormous test-tubes! (They move on across the table past a towering wooden rack of test-tubes.) BARBARA: Ian look at this! (Barbara points to a mountainous dish of seeds.) IAN: Mm, yeah. BARBARA: What do you suppose it is, corn, wheat? IAN: Wheat. (He sighs, looks around, turning his back to Barbara who goes a little nearer to the dish.) IAN: Still haven't thought of a way of getting out of this place... (Barbara picks up an enormous seed, and examines it closely.) BARBARA: Oh yes, you're right it is wheat. (She puts it back.) BARBARA: Ooh, it's all covered in some sticky stuff, like toffee. (She rubs her hands trying to get it off.) IAN: Hey Barbara, look at this... BARBARA: Give me your handkerchief will you? IAN: Do you see what this is? A book of litmus papers, hah! How often have I held a piece of litmus paper in my fingers..? Oh well, it's a handy seat. (He sits down on the litmus papers.) BARBARA: Yeah IAN: You realise what this place is? BARBARA: Ooh it's some sort of a laboratory. IAN: Yes, I think it must explain those dead insects and things. They must be doing some experiments. Course it makes it all the more dangerous for us. BARBARA: Why do you say that? IAN: Well, whatever killed those insects could easily kill us. BARBARA: The Doctor said something like that, I... I'd forgotten. IAN: Well don't touch anything, eh? (He moves over to...) BARBARA: But...but...Ian... IAN: I mean, look at the way these seeds are coated. They're obviously samples. (Ian strides up and down beside the dish.) IAN: Yes, I think they must be inventing a new insecticide and they've sprayed these seeds with it. BARBARA: Oh surely I... I mean, couldn't it be just preserving oil? IAN: I doubt it, anyway, you keep away from it. Got a very distinctive smell, that's one good thing. BARBARA: I think we should find the others and get back to the ship IAN: Yes I know. I've been racking my brains, we're so high up here. Have you got any ideas? BARBARA: No I haven't I... I wish I had. (She looks away sadly.) IAN: Hey Barbara, we can get back you know. BARBARA: Yes. IAN: All we've got to do is find a ball of string and get down to ground level! BARBARA: String would be too thick for us. What we really need is a reel of cotton. A reel of cotton... (Barbara falls to her knees on the verge of tears.) BARBARA: It's all so ridiculous Ian! IAN: Barbara we must concentrate on getting back, just forget how absurd things are, concentrate on getting back, do you understand? BARBARA: Yes alright. IAN: Hey, that briefcase. Barbara, if we could find enough of those paperclips we could string them together and some sort of a ladder! BARBARA: Yes, that's an idea. IAN: Let's do it, eh? Come on, don't let's give up. BARBARA: I'm not giving up. IAN: Good, because the next problem is how to open the flap of the briefcase. I don't fancy struggling around there in the dark. BARBARA: Well, yes... We might find something in the briefcase which would tell us more about that stuff... That insecticide or whatever it is. IAN: Well maybe but, hah, the other things are much more important. (Ian heads back along the table towards the briefcase. Barbara looks after him slightly panicked and scrubs desperately at her hand with Ian's handkerchief.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14, INT: DRAINPIPE (The Doctor stops for a moment, clearly exhausted, puffing like a steam engine.) SUSAN VO: Are you sure you're alright Grandfather? DOCTOR: Uh...yeah...I'm alright...I'm coming my child...I'm fiiine... (He gets his breath back for a moment, then noisily resumes his upward climb.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15, INT: TABLETOP (Barbara stands at the foot of the briefcase.) BARBARA: Can you get the flap open? IAN VO: I'm just going to try. BARBARA: Can I help? IAN VO: No I' alright, just give me a moment to think this out... (High above the tabletop Ian sits on the hinged buckle of the briefcase considering the round sliding catch he is facing. He gets up and wrestles with the catch for a moment, but to no avail.) IAN: Well it doesn't push downwards, that's sure. (Barbara looks up at Ian from table level.) BARBARA: Try left to right then (Up on the flap Ian moves around.) IAN: Great minds think alike. (He pushes the round catch from the side with all his might but it doesn't move. Back at table level Barbara is still looking up, behind her an exoskeletal limb covered in wiry hairs reaches out. The limb belongs to a twitching black housefly that has landed on a cork behind Barbara.) IAN VO: No, it doesn't move that way either. I'll have to try it from the other side. (On the flap Ian has moved around the catch and is pulling it right to left. The catch slides down, and the spring loaded buckle flips upwards.) IAN VO: Oh... (He smiles.) Ah, done it... I'VE DONE IT BARBARA! (At Table level Barbara is looking directly at the mammoth fly as it twitches. Silently she falls backwards in a dead faint. Ian runs towards Barbara's prone form and examines her, he looks up and recoils as he hears a mighty flapping as the fly takes off. He hears a booming roar from across the room, pulls Barbara up across his shoulders in a fireman's lift, and moves across the table as fast as he can.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16, INT: LABORATORY (Smithers and Forester come into the lab, Smithers rubs his grimy hands on a cloth.) SMITHERS: You don't have to watch everything I do. FORESTER: I like to know what's going on. SMITHERS: There's blood on the flagstones, you don't seem to have noticed that! FORESTER: I shan't forget this Smithers. SMITHERS: Oh yes you will, you'll forget all about it. Killing Farrow, and whatever you do with the body. You'll rub it right out of your mind! FORESTER: Well of course. SMITHERS: And don't think that I'm doing this for you! (His eyes glaze over.) But if there's one chance in a million of the experiment going through, of making it work, then I must do it, I must! FORESTER: That's sensible. Practical. SMITHERS: Practical... It's very practical, making me an accessory! FORESTER: Making? SMITHERS: Yes making! You knew perfectly well how I felt about DN6! How much I'd put into it, what it meant to me... You knew I'd help you! That's why you took me out and showed me Farrow's body, wasn't it? You'd do anything to get what you want wouldn't you? FORESTER: Wouldn't you? Aren't you? [SCENE_BREAK] 17, INT: SINK (The Doctor and Susan have reached the sink. Behind them the vast bulk of the plug, with its metal links leading all the way up the side. The Doctor for all his bluster appears to have collapsed, delirious with exhaustion on the edge of a stainless-steel plug-hole, Susan kneels over him.) SUSAN: Grandfather...Grandfather? DOCTOR: Uh... SUSAN: Grandfather we made it! (She tries to fan him with her hand.) DOCTOR: Uh uh-uh... SUSAN: Grandfather we made it, we got to the top! DOCTOR: Uh uh-uh. Oh just leave me for a minute, I'll, I'll be alright in a little while. (Susan helps him to sit up.) DOCTOR: Oh..uh..oh, that..er..oh, very nearly overpowered me! Uhh..Shhhuuh SUSAN: Grandfather, I think I head some people talking just now. DOCTOR: Uhhh. SUSAN: I heard a sort of low growling sound, you know, like Ian said, you know. DOCTOR: Ahhyehh. Well well, come to think of it our voices sound rather odd, it's this, this sink of course. It's all working like a, like an echo chamber! SUSAN: I think we should try and find them, don't you? DOCTOR: Yehhh. SUSAN: Do you think there's a chance of them being here somewhere? DOCTOR: I dunno child, I don't know... [SCENE_BREAK] 18, INT: TABLETOP (Barbara sits up suddenly.) IAN: Now take it easy BARBARA: Ian! IAN: You alright? (Barbara nods.) IAN: You gave me the fright of my life when I saw you lying there. BARBARA: Did you see it? IAN: The fly you mean? Yes I did. It flew off, got frightened when those men came into the room. BARBARA: I just turned around and there it was, it's whole body was quivering. IAN: Well don't worry about it now, it's all over. It's dead. BARBARA: I thought you said it flew away? IAN: Well it did, but it landed on those seeds, it died instantly. BARBARA: Are you sure? IAN: Well of course I'm sure! BARBARA: I want to have a look! IAN: What? Why? BARBARA: It's alright, I'm alright now. (They move over to the dish of seeds which is now garnished with the dead fly.) IAN: You can see the insecticide glistening on it's legs. Pretty lethal stuff - that fly must have died the moment it landed! BARBARA: Oh stop it, stop it! IAN: Barbara! BARBARA: Ian I... SUSAN VO: I-AN! BAR-BARA! CAN YOU HEAR ME??!! IAN: Susan! BARBARA: Susan, where are you? SUSAN VO: CAN YOU HEAR ME, I'M DOWN HERE! BARBARA: It's coming from over there! IAN: Yeah. What was it you wanted to say to me? BARBARA: Oh never mind, that's not important right now. Listen if Susan's found a way in that means we can all get out! IAN: I know! SUSAN VO: I-AN BAR-BARA! BARBARA: Why is her voice so loud? IAN: I dunno, it's coming from over here... [SCENE_BREAK] 19, INT: SINK DOCTOR: You mustn't expect to hear their voices in reply my dear. This sink acts as a sound box, it's increasing the volume of your voice. SUSAN: Well how far can we expect our voices to go? DOCTOR: I don't know, I don't know Susan. SUSAN: Well if we shout very loud will the people here hear us? DOCTOR: No, no, Susan, no. Our voices are far too high, it's a different frequency altogether, my child! Dogs might be able to, well perhaps... But..well, try it again. SUSAN: I-AN! BAR-BARA! [SCENE_BREAK] 20, INT: SINKTOP/SINK IAN: There they are, can you see them Barbara? (Barbara nods.) IAN: Doctor, Susan we're up here! (Down in the sink the Doctor and Susan look up to see Ian and Barbara peering down at them from the sinktop.) SUSAN: Hello up there! DOCTOR: What uncanny good luck! SUSAN: Oh ha-ha Grandfather, we've found them! DOCTOR: Yes, I know my dear, I know! (Back at the top.) BARBARA: Did they really climb up that sink pipe? IAN: Yeah, they must have done. I wonder if we can get down it? SUSAN VO: Climb down the plug-chain, toots! IAN: Here, it's about thirty feet or thereabouts, do you think you can make it? BARBARA: Yes, I'll make it somehow, it'll be worth it to see them two again. IAN: Alright, let me go first. (In the sink the Doctor and Susan watch their progress.) DOCTOR: Good, he's started. Now the sooner we get out of here the better. SUSAN: Can we climb back down the pipe again Grandfather? It was difficult enough getting up. DOCTOR: Oh well, it's a sure way back to the garden, I do know that. SUSAN: Oh Barbara's started, look! (At the top Ian and Barbara are slowly making their way down the chain.) IAN: Oh, how're you doing? BARBARA: Oh, I'm alright, there's plenty to hold on to. [SCENE_BREAK] 21, EXT: PATIO (Smithers is scrubbing at the patch of blood on the ground with a cloth, he gets up, and Forester drops a pile of earth on the stain and works it in with his foot.) FORESTER: Alright, lets go and get this muck off our hands. SMITHERS: There's a sink in the lab. (They walk towards the lab.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22, INT: SINK/SINKTOP (A low growling noise is heard getting closer.) DOCTOR: Listen, there's someone in the room. There was some... Someone's come back into that room! (At the sinktop.) IAN: Go on up, move! Look out, someone's here! Quick! (Barbara and Ian begin to climb back up the plug chain. In the sink...) DOCTOR: Quick, down the sink again! SUSAN: Oh quick Grandfather! DOCTOR: Come along! (They make their way towards the plug-hole again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23, INT: LABORATORY (Smithers and Forester enter the lab. Smithers pulls up his sleeves without using his blood stained hands.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24, INT: SINKTOP/SINK (Ian and Barbara clear the top of the plug chain. Back in the sink Susan disappears down into the plug-hole.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25, INT: LABORATORY SMITHERS: Look at this! (Smithers jabs a scalpel into the fly that landed on the seeds.) SMITHERS: That fly died instantly, the moment it landed on the seed. FORESTER: Which you sprayed with DN6 SMITHERS: But this is wonderful! Think what will happen with locusts! DN6 will wipe them out! FORESTER: You don't have to keep on persuading me, I've seen the report of every test you've made. SMITHERS: But I... I can't see how Farrow thought he'd get away with lying about the effects of DN6! FORESTER: He had us over a barrel, he'd written his report. Now don't keep on about it. Alright he was a fool, he thought he could get away with it. SMITHERS: You say he'd written a report? FORESTER: Yes, it's in his briefcase. It'll have to go to his head of department - but with a some slight amendments... SMITHERS: Well, I don't want to know about that, I don't want to listen! (Smithers puts the plug in the sink and fills it up.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25, INT: TABLETOP (Ian ventures out of the briefcase where he and Barbara have found themselves again, Barbara joins him. Ian squints into the distance.) IAN: Barbara, he's standing at the sink. I can see him standing at the sink. He's turned the tap on! [SCENE_BREAK] 26, INT: DRAINPIPE (The Doctor and Susan huddle together in beneath the plug as they hear water flood the sink above them.)
Plan: A: TARDIS; Q: What ship's doors open of their own accord? A: control; Q: What does the TARDIS run out of when it materializes? A: the travelers; Q: Who finds the TARDIS has been reduced in size? A: a plot; Q: What do the Doctor and his friends stumble upon when they are reduced to a tiny size? A: a ruthless businessman; Q: What is Forester? A: Smithers; Q: Who is Forester's scientist colleague? A: a new insecticide; Q: What is DN6? A: DN6 - a product; Q: What is the name of the insecticide Forester and Smithers are trying to launch? A: agriculture; Q: What industry is Forester trying to destroy with DN6? A: civil servant Arnold Farrow; Q: Who discovers that Forester is willing to commit murder to ensure the success of his business? A: The criminals; Q: Who is brought to justice when the Doctor and his friends tamper with the telephone in Smithers' laboratory? A: the insecticide - tamper; Q: What is Barbara ill from? A: the suspicions; Q: What did the Doctor and his friends' tampering with the telephone in Smithers' laboratory fuel? A: Hilda Rowse; Q: Who is the local exchange operator? A: Bert; Q: Who is Hilda Rowse's husband? Summary: The doors of the TARDIS open of their own accord just before it materialises, running out of control. On emerging, the travelers find the ship has been reduced in size and they are now only about an inch tall. As tiny people, they stumble across a plot by a ruthless businessman,Forester, and his misguided scientist colleague, Smithers, to launch a new insecticide, DN6 - a product so destructive that it would kill not only those insects harmful to agriculture but also those vital to it. Forester is willing to commit murder to ensure the success of his business, as civil servant Arnold Farrow discovers to his cost. The criminals are brought to justice when the Doctor and his friends - hampered by the fact that Barbara is ill from the insecticide - tamper with the telephone in Smithers' laboratory, fuelling the suspicions of the local exchange operator, Hilda Rowse, who sends her police constable husband Bert to investigate.
[Scene: Central Perk, it's the same scene from the end of last week's show. Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey, so did everything go okay with the annulment? Ross: Oh, yeah, no problems. It's all taken care of. Rachel: Ross, thank you. Hey, do you guys wanna go see a movie? Ross: Oh yeah, why not? Rachel: Okay, umm, I'm gonna get my sweater. (Walks away.) Ross: Okay. (Sits down next to Phoebe.) You uh, you wanna hear something weird? Phoebe: Always. Ross: I didn't get the annulment. Phoebe: What?! Ross: We're still married! Don't tell Rachel. See you later. (He gets up leaving Phoebe in shock.) [Cut to outside Central Perk.] Ross: (To Rachel) Hey, do you have any gum? Rachel: Oh? Yeah! Sure! Phoebe: (running out) Wait! Wait! Hi! Listen, Ross can I just talk to you for just a second? Rachel: Oh but Phoebe, we're gonna be late for the movie. (A cab pulls up.) Phoebe: Oh, there's a cab! Taxi!! (The cab stops and she opens the door.) Good timing, my God, huh? Here you go. (Pushes Rachel in and closes the door.) Rachel: Yeah, we're, we're actually just gonna walk 'cause it's right up there at the Angelica. Phoebe: Oh, the Angelica!! Go! Go! (She bangs on the cab's roof and it pulls away.) (To Ross) You didn't get the annulment?!! Ross: I know. Phoebe: Ross?! Ross: Well, I tried! But when I got to my lawyer's office all I could hear was, "Three divorces. Three divorces!" Look, I just don't want my tombstone to read, Ross Gellar, Three Divorces. Phoebe: Don't be worried about that! Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! It could say, Ross Geller, Good at Marriage! Y'know? Mine's gonna say Phoebe Buffay, Buried Alive. Ross: Look, all I know is I-I can't have another failed marriage! Phoebe: So okay what? You're gonna be married to a girl who doesn't even know about it?!-Op, woman! Sorry. Ross: Well, okay so, I don't have it all worked out quite yet. Just don't say anything to Rachel, please? Phoebe: Rachel is one of my closest friends. (Pause) Although, being the only one who knows anything about this does makes me feel special. Okay! (Rachel's cab backs up.) Rachel: (to the driver) Okay, stop-stop! Phoebe?! Phoebe: Hey Rach! Rachel: What was that?! Phoebe: Sorry, mix up. Hey, how was the movie? Rachel: I haven't seen it yet! Phoebe: Well then you'd better hurry! The Angelica! Go! Go! (Bangs on the roof again and off they go.) Rachel: Noooooooo!! Opening Credits {Transciber's note: In case you're wondering, and I know you are. Their names are all back to normal. Just in a slightly smaller font than usual to allow Courteney Cox Arquette to fit on one line and not be smaller than the rest of their names. Now, on with the show...} [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are cuddling on the couch.] Chandler: Y'know when we move in together, can I get a gumball machine? Monica: Of course! Joey wouldn't let you have one? Chandler: No. When it comes to sweets, he's surprisingly strict. Monica: Hey, have you figured out a way to tell him you're moving out? Chandler: No, no, I keep trying, y'know? I can get out, "Joey, I have too..." but then I lose my nerve and I always finish with, "...go to the bathroom." He may think I'm sick. Monica: Y'know, I really have to tell Rachel, but I... We just have to get it over with! Y'know, the next time we see them we're just gonna tell them. Okay? That's it. Chandler: Oh, so that's this is gonna work now? You're just gonna order me around all the time? Monica: Pretty much. Chandler: All right. Joey: (entering) Hey Monica! Monica: Hi! Joey: (To Chandler) Hey man, you feeling any better? (Chandler answers him with some guttural sounds that only he can make and that no human can transcribe.) Monica: Joey, we have something to tell you. Joey: Oh my God! You're pregnant! Chandler: No-o-o! (To Monica) No? (She nods no.) No-o-o! Look Joey, here's the thing, Monica and I have decided to live together, here. So, I'm gonna be moving out man. Joey: Wow! (Tearing up) Well, uh... Hey! I'm really happy for you guys! Congratulations! (Kisses Monica on the cheek) See you later. (Starts for the door on the verge of tears as Monica stops him.) Monica: Wait! Joey! Joey! Are you okay?! Joey: Yeah, I gotta go! I got an acting job. (Turns towards the door, pauses, and turns back.) Like you'd believe that. This sucks! Chandler: Look, I-I'm just gonna be right across the hall and I promise you, the minute Monica and I break up I'm moving right back in with you! Joey: (To Monica) Okay! Look-look-look, uh, if you're gonna be moving in with him I feel it's my responsibility to tell you the truth about him! Okay? He's a terrible roommate! Terrible! He uh, forgets to umm... Oh-oh he always, he always umm-Oh, who am I kidding! He's the best roommate ever! (Hugs Chandler.) [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters.] Monica: Hey Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey, have you seen Rachel? Phoebe: No, why? Monica: I have some pretty exciting news! Phoebe: (gasps) You're pregnant! Monica: No! Chandler and I are moving in together! Phoebe: Ooh! That's good! Wow! But now if you were pregnant, what would you name it? Hint: Phoebe. (Ross returns from getting some coffee.) Ross: Hey! Hi! Monica: Hey! Ross: What's up? Monica: Well umm, Chandler and I are moving in together. Ross: Oh my God. Ohh, my little sister and my best friend...shaking up. Oh, that's great. That's great. (Kisses and hugs her.) Phoebe: Guys, I'm happy too. Monica: Okay, come here! (Phoebe joins them in the hug.) Phoebe: Wow! Big day huh? People moving in, people getting annulled... (Winks at Ross.) Monica: Okay, I gotta go find Rachel but umm, if you guys see her could you please try to give her some really bad news so that mine doesn't seem so bad? (Exits.) Ross: Bye. Phoebe: Hmm, something bad to tell Rachel... Bad news for Rachel, what could that be?! Ross: Could ya just, could ya just lay off, please? All right? My life is an embarrassment! I should go live under somebody's stairs! Phoebe: Ross, it's not that big a deal! So you'll been divorced three times, you'll still have a life, you'll go on dates... Ross: (interrupting) No! No, I won't! I'll be at the bottom of the dating barrel now. The only guys below me will be Four Divorce Guy uh, Murderer Guy, and-and, Geologists. Phoebe: Ross, you're being ridiculous! Okay? You are cute and smart and sweet and that is much more important than three stupid divorces! Ross: Oh yeah? Have you ever dated anyone who has been divorced three times? Phoebe: Y'know that's really fair. Y'know? Most guys who have been divorced three times are like 60. Ross, nobody cares about this except you! This-this embarrassment thing is all in your head! Here, I'll show you! Come here. Ross: What?! Why? (She grabs his arm and drags him over to a table where three beautiful women are sitting. Now, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that their names are Stephanie, Karin, and Meg. Okay, so I looked at the credits. Of course, only Meg is named later on, so I'll have to guess who is Stephanie and who is Karin. But, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.) Phoebe: (to the girls) Hi! Hi! Listen, my friend Ross is about to be divorced for the third time, but wouldn't you date him? Ross: And if you wait right here, I'll go get Ross. (Phoebe grabs his arm and prevents him from escaping.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is pacing anxiously waiting for Rachel.] Chandler: (entering) Hey! Monica: Ugh, I thought you were Rachel! Chandler: (looking down) What gave me away? Monica: I just tell her, I have to get it over with. I told Ross and Phoebe and she's the only one left! Chandler: Okay, so that's it, everybody knows! It's official, we're moving in together. No turning back. Are ya scared? Are ya? Monica: No. Chandler: Wow that was my scariest voice! You're very brave. (They hug as Rachel enters.) Rachel: Hey! Chandler: Hey. Rachel: Ugh, the worse day! Y'know, you think you're making progress at work and then your boss calls you Raquel. Chandler: Hey listen, for the first four years of my work everybody called me Sha-la-lap. (Awkward silence ensues.) Seriously. Rachel: I believe you. So, it was right in the middle of a staff meeting so of course no one else wants to correct her so everyone else is calling me Raquel! By the end of the day, the mailroom guys were calling me Rocky! Chandler: Well, I-I still think you're very-very nice and very pretty... Rachel: What? Chandler: (To Monica) All yours babe. (Walks away.) Monica: Have a seat. (They sit at the table.) Okay, listen umm, Chandler and I are going to live together, here. Rachel: Oh my God! That's so great! I'm so happy for you guys! Monica: Really?! Rachel: And that was so sweet of you to ask! Oh my God, the three of us are gonna have such a good time living together! Monica: Yes, we are. (Chandler is frantically trying to get Monica to correct her.) Rachel: And Chandler, you're gonna have to watch those long showers you take in the morning because you know Raquel can't be late. Chandler: Rach... Monica: Yeah, he's gonna work on that. Rachel: Ohh! This is so exciting! Oh God... (Gasps and starts to sing) Come and knock on my door... Monica: (singing) We'll be waiting for you... {Transciber's note: I'll finish that one for those of you who don't know what they're talking about. Where the towels are Hers and Hers and His, Three's Company too! Yeah, that's the theme song for Three's Company.} [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is hosting an impromptu roundtable discussion with Stephanie, Karin, and Meg about Ross's three divorces.] Ross: ...once you know the stories, it's not that bad. First marriage, wife's hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second marriage, said the wrong name at the altar, a little my fault. Third marriage, well they really shouldn't allow you to get married when you're that drunk and have writing all over your face, Nevada's fault. Phoebe: Okay, so what do you think ladies? Who wouldn't be interested? Who wouldn't want to date him? Stephanie: Well the divorces don't bother me, I'd date him. But, not while he's still married. Phoebe: Okay, what about you? (Points to Karin) Wouldn't you want a date? Karin: Actually, I'm dating at all anymore. See, I figured out that I was only dating guys that were like y'know bad for me, so until I work that out... Phoebe: (interrupting) Whatever! What about you Meg? Meg: Well, I don't care about the divorces either, but I wouldn't date him. It's just that he's obviously still in love with this Rachel girl. Ross: What?! Phoebe: (leaning to him) She said, "He's obviously still in love with this Rachel girl." (He glares at her.) Ross: This is crazy! I mean, yes-yes Rachel is my good friend and I-I have loved her in the past, but now, she is just my wife! Phoebe, will you-will you help me out here? Phoebe: Well, I thought you loved her when you-when you married her. Ross: We were drunk! I would've married uh, Joey with that amount of alcohol! Phoebe: Hey! You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani!! Ross: (to the panel) Look, I'm sorry, but you guys are wrong. I just don't want to be divorced three times. Phoebe: Yes, and now he's using this three divorces reason because he wants to stay married to her because he loves her. I must say, "Well done!" Bravo Meg. Ross: (getting up) Okay! Fine! Fine! If-if this is what you think, forget about the whole three divorce thing! Okay, I-I'll go to my lawyer's office right now and get this marriage annulled! Okay?! Because she means nothing to me! Noth-(leans down to Meg's ear)-Nothing!! Meg: Okay now I wouldn't date you because you seem a little creepy. Karin: I am so attracted to him right now. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are still debating about how to tell Rachel that Chandler's moving in and she's moving out.] Chandler: Okay, when are we gonna tell Rachel what is actually gonna happen? Monica: Soon! I-I just couldn't before. You saw how upset Joey got! I couldn't do that to her, she's my best friend! Chandler: Well, Joey's my best friend. Monica: I'm not your best friend? Chandler: You just said... Of course you're my best friend. Would you please tell Rachel though? Monica: All right, all right, at least I'm prepared. Chandler: Okay. (She grabs a tin of freshly baked cookies) Oh yes. (He reaches for one.) Monica: (slapping his hand) Hey! Chandler: Hey-hey! Monica: These aren't for you! Are you upset? Chandler: I am now! Rachel: (entering) Hey roomie! Chandler: Okay, bye! (Exits.) Monica: Rach, there's something uh, important I have to tell you. Rachel: (gasps) Are you pregnant?! Monica: No! But, I'm throwing this shirt away! I think there was a little misunderstanding before. Rachel: Um-hmm. Monica: Umm, when I said that uh, that Chandler and I wanted to umm, live together we meant alone together. Rachel: (laughs) Oh my God! Oh, that's funny, I can't believe I did that. Monica: Oh no sweetie, no! This is my fault, I wasn't clear! I'm really sorry. And listen, you take as much time as you need to move out okay? There's absolutely no rush. Rachel: Okay. (Sits back and resumes her reading.) Monica: Okay. Don't you want a cookie? Rachel: Sure? (Monica hands her one.) Thanks. Monica: Maybe, do you need a tissue? (Rachel mumbles uh-huh and spits the half-eaten cookie out onto the tissue.) Rachel: Monica, where did you get these?! Monica: I made them! Rachel: Ooh, good God, they're so yummy! (She re-ingests the previously expelled cookie matter from the tissue.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is packing some books and Joey is watching him.] Joey: God, it's gonna so weird like when I come home and you're not here. Y'know? No more Joey and Chan's. No more J and C's. "You wanna go over to Joey and Chandler's?" "Can't, its not there." Chandler: Look, I'm just gonna be across the hall, we can still do all the same stuff. Joey: Yeah but we won't be able to like get up in the middle of the night and have those long talks about our feelings and the future. Chandler: Not once did we do that. Monica: (entering) Hi. Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hi. Monica: So I, I told Rachel it was just gonna be the two of us. Chandler: Oh yeah? Well, how'd she take it? Monica: Really well. Yeah. Surprisingly well. Yeah, she didn't cry. She wasn't angry or sad. (Sits down, slightly disgusted.) Chandler: And you're upset because you didn't make your best friend cry? Monica: I mean, all I'm asking for is just a little emotion! Is that too much to ask after six years?! I mean what? Are-are-are Rachel and I not as close as you guys?! I mean do we not have as much fun?! Don't I deserve a few tears?!! I mean we-we told Joey, he cried his eyes out! Joey: Hey! I did not cry my eyes out!! Come on! It's like the end of an era! No more J-man and Channie's!! Chandler: Okay, I gotta ask, who calls us that?! [Scene: Ross's lawyer's office, his name is Russell and has just been told by Ross about his current situation.] Russell: You got married again. Ross: Yes. Russell: So that's your second marriage in two years. Ross: Yes, second in two years. Third overall. Russell: Ross, I have been a divorce attorney for 23 years and never had I so much business from one client. Why don't you tell me what happened. Ross: Basically, Rachel and I were in Vegas and we got drunk... Russell: (interrupting) I'm sorry, is this the same Rachel who's name you said at the altar in the second marriage? Ross: Yes-yes-yes! But, I-I do not love her. Russell: Oh, that's better then. Ross: This was just a drunken mistake and I need to get it annulled. Russell: I see. Have you considered therapy? Ross: I think just the annulment for today. Russell: There are a couple of forms to fill out. Ross: Easy. Russell: And we'll need to have witnesses who can testify that you were not of uh, sound mind. Ross: No problem. Russell: And we'll need you and Rachel to testify before a judge. Ross: Ooh! There's no way to do this without her? 'Cause I kinda all ready told her uh, it was, it was already taken care of. Russell: Of course you did. Look Ross, you can't get an annulment unless you and Rachel are both there. Ross: Uh-ha, what about someone who looks like Rachel? (Russell glares at him.) I will think about the therapy. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is painting her toe nails as Monica enters.] Rachel: Hey! Monica: Hey. So um, I was thinking that maybe we should start dividing up our stuff. Rachel: Okay! Monica: Y'know, no point in dragging it out. Dragging out the long process of you moving out and us not living together anymore. Rachel: Okay. Monica: Hey Rach, what about this? (She holds up a chrome 5-point star.) Huh? Who-who gets this? See, I don't know if I want it because it might be y'know, too many memories! Rachel: (grabbing the star) What the hell is that? Monica: I don't know. (Picks up a big plate from the coffee table.) Hey, Rachel, you want the big plate? I want you to have the big plate. Rachel: Wow! Mon, thanks! I love this plate! Monica: Something to remember me by! Rachel: Mon, honey you're not dying. I'm just moving out. Y'know, I mean we're gonna see each other all the time. Monica: But still, it's a big change. The end of an era, you might say! Rachel: Are you okay? You're not blinking. Monica: I'm fine! I just, I'm thinking how much it's an end of era. Rachel: Oh, all right. But y'know I gotta say, I don't, I don't think six years counts as an era. Monica: An era is defined as a significant period of time. Now, it was significant to me, maybe it wasn't significant to you! Rachel: What is the matter with you?! Monica: What is the matter with you?!! Why aren't you more upset?! Aren't you gonna be sad that we're not gonna be living together anymore?! I mean aren't you gonna miss me at all?! Rachel: All right, fine, but don't get mad at me. It's-it's just a little hard to believe. Monica: What's hard to believe? Rachel: Well y'know, it's you guys. You-you do this kind of stuff! Y'know? I mean, you-you were gonna get married in Vegas and then you backed out! I guess I'm not upset because I don't see you guys going through with it. I'm sorry. Monica: Rachel, it's going to happen. Chandler is gonna move in here. Rachel: But I... Monica: No-no, wait! Just let me finish, okay? This isn't something that we just, we just impulsively decided in-in Vegas, this is something we both really want. And it is going to happen. Rachel: It is? Really? Monica: Yeah, sweetie. Rachel: (starting to lose her composure) I mean we're not, we're not gonna live together anymore? Monica: No. Rachel: What? Oh my God! I'm gonna miss you so much! (Starts to cry.) Monica: I'm gonna miss you! (They hug.) Rachel: I mean it's the end of an era! Monica: I know! [Scene: The hallway, Ross is coming up the stairs as Phoebe leaves Joey and Chandler's.] Phoebe: (to Joey and Chandler) Okay, bye! Ross: Oh no. Phoebe: So? Did you get the annulment? Ross: I couldn't. Phoebe: I knew it! Because you love Rachel. Ross: It's not that. Okay? Annulments are more complicated than I... Phoebe: Yeah, complicated 'cause of the love. Ross: I... I do, I do not love Rachel. I'm gonna tell her right now about the whole thing so we can get this marriage annulled as fast as possible. Okay? Would I do that if I loved her? Phoebe: I've never been more convinced of your love for her. Ross: I do not have feelings for Rachel! Okay?! (He goes into her apartment.) [Cut to Monica and Rachel's as Ross walks through the door. Rachel is holding the chrome star and crying.] Ross: Ohh, what's wrong?! Rachel: Monica and Chandler are really moving in here and I have to move out and everything is changing. Ross: Oh my-Come here! Come here! (He hugs her.) It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay. Rachel: Thank you. Ross: Of course. (Ross suddenly realizes something.) Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are talking.] Joey: So, Ross and Rachel got married, Monica and Chandler almost got married, do you think you and I should hook up? Phoebe: Oh we do, but not just yet. Joey: Really?! Well, when? Phoebe: Okay umm, well, first Chandler and Monica will get married and be filthy rich by the way. Yeah. But it won't work out. Joey: Wow. Phoebe: I know. Then, I'm gonna marry Chandler for the money and you'll marry Rachel and have the beautiful kids. Joey: Great! Phoebe: But then we ditch those two and that's when we get married. We'll have Chandler's money and Rachel's kids and getting custody will be easy because of Rachel's drinking problem. Joey: Oh-oh, what about Ross? Phoebe: I don't want to go into the whole thing, but umm, we have words and I kill him.
Plan: A: Ross; Q: Who does Rachel seek comfort from when she is distraught? A: Rachel; Q: Who is upset by Monica's reaction to the news that Monica and Chandler are moving in together? A: their Vegas marriage; Q: What did Ross promise to get annulled? A: Monica; Q: Who explains to Rachel that she has to move out? A: Chandler; Q: Who assures Joey that their friendship will remain the same? A: the news; Q: What does Joey react badly to? A: three; Q: How many people does Rachel think will be living together? A: her blasé reaction; Q: What upsets Monica about Rachel's mistaken belief that Monica and Chandler will never move in together? A: Phoebe; Q: Who is shocked when Ross says he never intends to get the annulment? A: another failed marriage; Q: What does Ross say he can't handle? Summary: Ross promises Rachel to get their Vegas marriage annulled. Monica and Chandler announce they are moving in together. Joey reacts badly to the news, though Chandler reassures him their friendship will remain the same. Rachel mistakenly believes all three will be living together until Monica explains Rachel has to move out. Rachel then upsets Monica by her blasé reaction, convinced Monica and Chandler will never go through with it. When Monica assures her they will, Rachel becomes distraught and seeks comfort from Ross. Ross shocks Phoebe by confessing he never intends to get the annulment, claiming he cannot handle another failed marriage.