So earlier this month, my boyfriend asked me if I would be willing to make a sex tape (sex video?). I said that it sounded like a sexy idea to make a video together and I would be open to try it some time.

Last night, he told me that he had hidden his gopro camera in his room and filmed us the last time we had had sex. He was really confused when I reacted strongly as being upset. He told me that I had agreed to make a video which he took as consent to film us without me knowing.

To me it is a completely separate thing for me to agree to make a video together in abstract than for me to agree to be filmed without me knowing, which I didn't consent to at all. I work at a women's health center so he's heard me rant at length about how important explicit consent is to me. It seems really obvious in my mind that that was a big no-no. 

I spoke to him briefly this morning- he feels awful that I had gotten upset and apologized profusely, said he would delete the video, etc.- but he still doesn't seem to understand why I feel violated.

I really admire my boyfriend- he is a compassionate, intelligent man who is head over heels for me and would never do anything with a malicious intent to hurt me. I genuinely believe that he thought what he was doing was okay and that he just made a thoughtless "dumb boy" mistake.

That said, I was really upset to find out I had been secretly filmed in such an intimate position and I don't want to just ignore the whole thing. I really want to figure out a way to talk to him about this so that he understands why I think he fucked up. I definitely don't want to break up or drag this out for days but it's important to me to make sure our relationship is healthy and based on respect and all that.

I would really appreciate some advice about what to say when we talk after we both get off work. Thank you so much in advance if anyone has some insight!
user
Boyfriend hid a gopro camera in his room and secretly filmed us having sex. He said I agreed to make a sex tape together without me knowing. I'm
assistant
So earlier this month, my boyfriend asked me if I would be willing to make a sex tape (sex video?). I said that it sounded like a sexy idea to make a video together and I would be open to try it some time.

Last night, he told me that he had hidden his gopro camera in his room and filmed us the last time we had had sex. He was really confused when I reacted strongly as being upset. He told me that I had agreed to make a video which he took as consent to film us without me knowing.

To me it is a completely separate thing for me to agree to make a video together in abstract than for me to agree to be filmed without me knowing, which I didn't consent to at all. I work at a women's health center so he's heard me rant at length about how important explicit consent is to me. It seems really obvious in my mind that that was a big no-no. 

I spoke to him briefly this morning- he feels awful that I had gotten upset and apologized profusely, said he would delete the video, etc.- but he still doesn't seem to understand why I feel violated.

I really admire my boyfriend- he is a compassionate, intelligent man who is head over heels for me and would never do anything with a malicious intent to hurt me. I genuinely believe that he thought what he was doing was okay and that he just made a thoughtless "dumb boy" mistake.

That said, I was really upset to find out I had been secretly filmed in such an intimate position and I don't want to just ignore the whole thing. I really want to figure out a way to talk to him about this so that he understands why I think he fucked up. I definitely don't want to break up or drag this out for days but it's important to me to make sure our relationship is healthy and based on respect and all that.

I would really appreciate some advice about what to say when we talk after we both get off work. Thank you so much in advance if anyone has some insight!
user
Boyfriend secretly filmed me having sex, I feel violated. What do I do?
assistant