My friend and I have been BFFs for 20 years, but the last few years we've been drifting apart, mostly because I live in Europe and she lives in our hometown.  I've lost most of my old friends because of lifestyle differences--we just have nothing in common anymore--but I really value this friend and want to keep her in my life because we've been through a lot together.  We've had several fights over the past few years but are trying to get back in touch. The problem is, she's super busy all the time and has consistently flaked on me when I'm in town, and then played the victim by saying I'm demanding time from her when I've been rearranging my schedule to suit her and in the past I have not been able to get even an hour coffee date in weeks or even months.  Now she wants to get back in touch and we're sort of negotiating the terms of our relationship, but I don't know how to say the things I need from her because in the past when I've laid it out as "you need to make an effort too because I'm also busy, but I find time for you," she's thrown it back in my face as me demanding time from her and saying that I'm using it as a way to get attention. From my perspective it's just that I want to see everyone I care about because I don't know when I'll be able to come back.  We've had the same fight about 5 times now and nothing I say gets through, she just gets really defensive about having excuses for being busy, and then accuses me of calling her a bad friend.  She's also called me a snob for moving to Europe, so if we do hang out again I'm also not sure how to talk to her since all my stories would be set in Europe and about my friends there, who are mostly European.  I don't make a big deal about it, but it's hard not to give details about normal stories that people tell, or for example use words like place names that are in other languages.  Am I the problem?  Has anyone else experienced this?  How do I talk to her about this in a delicate way?
user
I'm BFF's BFF, but she's
assistant
My friend and I have been BFFs for 20 years, but the last few years we've been drifting apart, mostly because I live in Europe and she lives in our hometown.  I've lost most of my old friends because of lifestyle differences--we just have nothing in common anymore--but I really value this friend and want to keep her in my life because we've been through a lot together.  We've had several fights over the past few years but are trying to get back in touch. The problem is, she's super busy all the time and has consistently flaked on me when I'm in town, and then played the victim by saying I'm demanding time from her when I've been rearranging my schedule to suit her and in the past I have not been able to get even an hour coffee date in weeks or even months.  Now she wants to get back in touch and we're sort of negotiating the terms of our relationship, but I don't know how to say the things I need from her because in the past when I've laid it out as "you need to make an effort too because I'm also busy, but I find time for you," she's thrown it back in my face as me demanding time from her and saying that I'm using it as a way to get attention. From my perspective it's just that I want to see everyone I care about because I don't know when I'll be able to come back.  We've had the same fight about 5 times now and nothing I say gets through, she just gets really defensive about having excuses for being busy, and then accuses me of calling her a bad friend.  She's also called me a snob for moving to Europe, so if we do hang out again I'm also not sure how to talk to her since all my stories would be set in Europe and about my friends there, who are mostly European.  I don't make a big deal about it, but it's hard not to give details about normal stories that people tell, or for example use words like place names that are in other languages.  Am I the problem?  Has anyone else experienced this?  How do I talk to her about this in a delicate way?
user
My childhood BFF is flaky
assistant