>

Maybe she felt the same about the way you would phrase things 🤷🏻‍♀️
Just like dad is not babysitting, he's parenting. >

I hate when people ask me if I am babysitting just because I have taken my kids out on my own. No my wife is not out for the day, no I am not trying to get in the good books. Yes I am just a dad who loves spending time with his kids. Now go away i am off to ten pin bowling >

Yep. As a father of 3, the only time I hear that I’m “babysitting” my own kids is from random women. They always think they’re being funny with that comment. No, sorry, keep that toxic, sexist attitude away from me and my children. >

My ex has a son, so I was stepdad forawhile. I once took him to the park when hanging out with a buddy from out of town. We had a great time playing, but holy shit the staresmfrom the boomer ladies were crazy. Lol one of them tried to follow us out when we left to go walk home >

Ignorant and presumptuous of them, eh? When I take my 3 young daughters out and about, I always get sideways glares. Playgrounds and spray parks are particular hot spots. >

I dont get it man. Were just trying to be good dads/stepdads and bond with our kids. They way they looked at me and followed us out, they must have that we were abductors or something lol. My friend is Middle Eastern so I wonder if that had something to do with it too. Its a pretty Hoity Toity town >

I don’t get it either, man. Just the other week I took a pic of my girls after their first swim lessons in almost 3 years, thanks to COVID, and I could feel the dagger-like glares directed my way. >

I hope you all had a good time! Thats just something parents have done, since cameras were invented. What jerks lol. "How dare you create fun memories!" -Some Karen >

Yeah I hope that people didn't stop you from having a good time there I hope. >

I’ve a couple exes who wanted gold stars & blowies for half ass doing part of their share. I used to counter that with some passive aggression. “Look, honey! I’m HELPING to pay the electric bill! See? Aren’t you proud?” “Do I get a reward for HELPING with rent? Cuz that’s men’s work right? So I’m helping - why aren’t you excited?” If they didn’t get it, the next bill it would be “you’re so much better at this than me - and boys really LIKE doing it! You worry too much about these things!” and only pay 25% instead of my half.  Why can’t I change a lightbulb or close the garage door? Cuz girls don’t understand that stuff it’s weird. Oh the meltdowns lol. >

I told my man do half or get out. He just finished dinner. >

I see it differently. 
I do all the cooking and kitchen work in the house. Like 99% of it. When my partner cooks/is in the kitchen with me, she is helping me in the kitchen. 
She does 80% of the laundry. When I do the laundry, I am helping her out. 
We have a 50:50 split on all house chores in total, but we do different things. When one of us does a task that is the responsibility of the other person, we are helping them. >

Completely agree, this post is about the people who do one thing while their partner does a million more and then claim they are "helping". For example, my friend has a 9-5 and comes back, takes care of her kids, cooks, cleans, and does the lawn work in her house. Her husband took out the trash once while I was at her home, and made a big deal of how he was "helping" his wife. >

I don’t think that is very common anymore. It’s a shame that exists in their situation but that is not the norm. >

Wander on over to the many parenting subs and you'll quickly find that it's still very much a norm for many. >

If you take the one-sided and often fully fabricated stories there as truth, you've been on the internet too long. >

Luckily I don't, but I have seen how the anecdotes I see on those posts match my lived experience so there's that. >

And its usually the ones that are disappointed that will voice their opinions. So the ones who do have those bad relationships will speak up and the rest will just go on with their days. >

We help each other. Neither is obligated, and both benefit. >

Why is neither  "obligated"? >

Obligation is a word I would use at work. No one is obligated to do anything in a relationship, they just do. I for one want to feel like comfort at home comes before responsibility. >

Thats true. But are we not entering a sort of "social contract" with another person if we are deciding to legally share assets like a home/lease (lease of which typically have defined criteria for maintaining basic care of the unit otherwise you face monetary penalties for damages)? 
I see your side but I also feel like there ARE real responsibilities you have when you live in a home or shared situation that you have to adhere to at least when a contract is involved. Same with work. >

That's right, that's the kind of world that We're heading into here. >

and "babysitting" your kids. >

As a father of 3, the only time I hear that I’m “babysitting” my own kids is from random women. They always think they’re being funny with that comment. No, sorry, keep that toxic, sexist attitude away from me and my children. >

That's not funny at all, most of the times it's pretty fucked up. >

In my opinion when my partner says that he's helping me I do feel like it's contribution. If I'm cleaning up and he comes over and cleans up he is helping me, we're working on it together that doesn't mean it's any less contribution to the household because we use the phrase helping. To help is the action of helping someone to do something; assistance, like assistance in chores. >

Sure when you put it this way, I think this is more aimed at the people who don’t clean at all or very bare minimum and when they do decide to do it they consider it “helping” but those are their responsibilities. If you’re cleaning and they come in to help, then yes I’d see that as helping too. But if partner A cleans all the time and partner B decides to sweep for once and call it a day I wouldn’t consider that helping, I’d consider that being an adult and doing what you’re supposed to do. >

Definitely agree. Honestly I just call it helping either way regardless on if he's doing something else first and I start to do housework. We're both working together as a team to get the things done we need to get done in our house we're helping each other out so it doesn't fall just on one person. But yes in another household where one person does do all of the housework and the other person refers to as helping, I can see why it would be frustrating. >

As long as the work is getting done it all should be okay really. >

I agree.
If you want a traditional old school husband and wife setup then you need to earn enough so that your wife can stay at home and look after the house.
Too many men want the benefits of that without providing the capability for housework to be a job.
Also he gets days off work so she should have time off too.
There's plenty of women too though that don't work and then want to split the chores, that's also not cool.
Same story if you swap the genders. The amount of labour going into running a household should be close to 50/50 regardless of your gender or what that work entails IMO >

I remember reading somewhere that during the 18/1900s, just around the time the Industrial Revolution took off, women started working in factories. They would work full day shifts along with the men, come home and then the men would get to put their feet up and the women had to clean/cook. It would go on like this until Sunday, when she'd finally get to rest for half a day before she had to start up again. 
I can't imagine what life like that had to have been like. >

It's like the men almost thought work was a privilege that women should have been thankful for.... "Sure honey, you can get a job, but make sure you're not falling behind on any of your household chores!" 
They were supporting the family income not asking for a later curfew contingent on completing hw and after-school chores. Good grief. >

Depends. If you have matching expectations, 100%. And stuff like laundry and dishes and trash have to be done no matter what. 
But if partner A is ok with a mostly clean house, while partner B demands it to be spotless… I can definitely see partner A feeling like they’re “helping” at a certain point >

This. I have no problems cooking and cleaning up after myself but if you decide you want to powerwash the cealing on my day off itll probably turn in to an argument >

Yep lol, as long as one person is doing their job it should be fine. >

I am sure there are deadass folks who don't do shit,  and often the division of labor is not the same. 
But often people sort of credit themselves for what they do and see and now other shit.
My partner will occasionally get testy and complain about laundry.  I have to gently remind them they have not fixed one thing in 10 years.  They have not mowed the lawn a single time.  They have not carried, moved, pushed anything over 25 lbs.  I move shit, fix shit, have shit replaced, fixed, etc.
The good part they usually snap back with "oh yeah. I get it.  its easy to forget that stuff."
You will remember what you do and minimize what they do. its human nature.  But try not to spend time there very often. >

The whole idea of mental load, though, is that what you're saying leaves out the majority of household chores. You're looking only at what you see as a chore: laundry, mowing the grass, etc. When in reality, the majority of household work isn't done with muscles, it's done with the mind - especially if there are kids in the household. 
For example, who remembers the birthdays of extended family members and buys gifts? Who checks that the kid's clothes still fit and goes shopping for new ones? Who notices if you're out of paper towels or if the fans need to be dusted or if the annual car registration needs to be paid? All of that is mental load and it actually makes up the majority of household work. And it overwhelmingly falls on women and is, overwhelmingly, unacknowledged by men. As in men don't even know that it exists.  And that's what is so, so frustrating to the spouses who carry the mental load. 
The very best example I can give us this: I like cleaning. Scrubbing a bathtub, a toilet, shining a mirror - I enjoy that. I'll happily do the cleaning. But deciding when cleaning is required and fitting it into the family schedule is a separate and much more burdensome task. If I carry the mental load of cleaning, I walk through my house everyday thinking, "that needs to be dusted, the toilet needs to be cleaned, the stairs need to be swept." And I stress out because when am I supposed to find the time to do that?! And now instead of walking through my house enjoying the peace of my home, everywhere I look is a stressful reminder of a never ending to do list. If I could off load the mental load of cleaning to my husband, I'd be SOOOOO much happier. If I didn't have to decide when dust got to the point of becoming a priority and instead I could wait for someone to tell me to clean - boy, I'd be singing like Snow White when she cleans the Dwarves' house! >


walking through my house enjoying the peace of my home, everywhere I look is a stressful reminder of a never ending to do list.

that's your problem. just relax >

Nah, but you see that is exactly the point of OP's post. Many men expect that they should be able to turn off the mental work of noticing and deciding what needs to be done. They don't see the big deal about it - "if you want something done, honey, just ask!" But they don't even realize what a luxury that is!  If BOTH partners turn that off, you'll find yourselves living in filth. With no clean clothes, no food in the fridge, and mildewed bath towels. 
Someone has to notice. Someone has to decide. And it is almost always women. You can say "well that's because men are ok living in filth." But once kids enter into it, that isn't acceptable anymore. And it's undeniable that when guests come to your home, they are judging the wife not the husband for how clean/dirty the house is. She bears the weight of expectations from others, he does not. She also is fighting against a few thousand years of patriarchal society that tells her and him that her worth is only in her ability to raise kids and keep a clean house. All that history and gender role shit is still in there, in both husband, wife, their family, their friends. So it's not as easy as "just relax". >

when your to do list is "never ending" as you said you are the problem and not the house >

I'm guessing you don't have a house, a full time job, a spouse, and a toddler? Because the never ending to-do list is a universal truth of parenting. >

He's right.  If you have invasive and consistent thoughts that do not allow you to enjoy downtime, you gotta talk to a therapist.  I was the same.  This is not normal.  This is poor mental health. >

WHEN both people are working full time.
my mom has always been at home 24/7, while my dad was working full time and often over time. yet expected him to do half of everything at home, and above that i visibly remember silly lessons from her about why mutter (german for mom) was written with two t and vater (dad) with one t, because mom does more than dad so she gets to have two. now she works part time and does nothing around the house.
there are 100% more than just a few women nowadays who think house work should be split equally, not depending on whether they also have a job or not.
TIME should be split equally. not every task. not the monetary value of what youre doing. but your time, simple as that. >

This is interesting bc my mom and step dad both worked but my step dad didn’t clean at all. He was responsible for the “manly” duties like yard work. That was like a weekly thing MAYBE, but my mom was getting up hours before him (on days she herself worked) ironing his clothes, making his breakfast, doing his laundry, and I would get so enraged that she thought that was remotely fair. I swear I never have seen him do anything besides cleaning a couple of dishes, the rest went to my mom. But I still believe that it is your house and you should be responsible for cleaning it. Unless you’re working 12 hour shifts, then I can see why you would be less inclined to do so but most people are working at the most 9-10 hours and you have days that you don’t work. Everyone should contribute to the messes they are making. Wives and husbands are not your maids >

"and i would get so enraged that she thought that was remotely fair"
i can really relate to this. my dad also always saw it as fair, not once complained, its like he just has this inert expectation of himself that he is supposed to be the one who "serves" others. i dont think he even ever questions if there is a fair amount of give and take at home.
teaching people about which gender is supposed to do what is really dangerous imo. whether the lesson is about women or men being responsible for a specific thing, it leads to selfless people being taken advantage of by selfish people. and its sad to see a really unequal give and take, even if neither of them sees the unfairness.
like i said it should be about the time you invest. nothing shows your effort and care within a relationship, like the time you spend doing something for the other/the both of you. and there is a Lot less room for unfairness >

Remember when one adult working was enough to support a household and the other could run it?
How’d we “advance” to the point where two people working can’t afford a holiday? >

I'm in full support of this mentality, as long as it goes in both directions when we're talking about division of labor as it pertains to gender role stereotypes.
I've always been pretty self-sufficient, and spent years keeping house on my own when I was single, so my wife has never had to deal with a husband who didn't clean up after himself, do his own laundry, etc. If anything I've always done slightly more than her when it comes to the household chores because I'm a neat freak. That being said, it definitely took ME some effort to get her to unlearn some slightly toxic views on yard work: yes, ladies, you need to be helping your husbands when it comes to mowing the lawn, pulling weeds, raking leaves, shoveling snow, etc. 
If men are pulling their weight inside the house, there's absolutely no excuse for women to not pitch in when it comes to the physical labor needed to maintain the property outside the house. >

I’ve found these mental load articles are extremely toxic. My wife had herself convinced that she was doing an order of magnitude more than me. Then I wrote down what I did over 2 weeks. It was roughly the same amount of time as she spent. The difference was more than half of what I did was random. There are so many things that need to get fixed or that she wants to get done it adds up to a full load. It might not all be necessary on a particular schedule but it’s still work being done.  That’s on top of me doing all the cooking and splitting kids work. >

Just because it doesn’t apply to your specific scenario, doesn’t mean it is toxic or untrue for some. >

It may be in their circle. 
With the people I know that's the majority, with two husbands actually being equal and one at least trying. 
Other than that no husband I know does the same when some of the women even are the breadwinner (earn more money than the husband) or at least aren't SAHM's. Some of the husbands "help" and are proud of themselves for vacuuming or changing diapers once in a while because it's still more than what their fathers did. 
So only 3 out of hundreds of people a 33 yo would meet throughout their life -in my understanding that qualifies as "rare" or "anomaly". >

Have you actually gone through how much time each person does things?  It’s very hard to tell from the outside. >

It depends on the roles agreed by the couple. If I have to cook for the day and my spouse gives me a hand, I will take it as she helping me in my chores. If she has to clean that day and I give her a hand, she would assume it as me helping her in her chores. >

In my house we have a very strict rule.  I cook/she cleans!  It works perfectly every single time.  Except, sometimes I cook and she doesn't feel like cleaning.  In which case I clean too.  Because she's my wife, and I love her, and she's tired and the kitchen still needs to be cleaned.  Who are all these people that don't understand this? >

Does she sometimes do something extra for you too or are you always at the short end of  the straw? >

relationships shouldn't be transactional like that. If it were the case and the user above felt it was unfair, he can communicate & then they can resolve it because they both care about each other. if for whatever reason she was taking advantage of him & didn't actually care or try to "make it even" then thats where you break up; you've discussed your issue, set a boundary and it was ignored, so the only option is to follow through with enforcing your boundaries 
if you view it like your comment, then you just build resentment, which is the death of a relationship anyways >


It's also your house and you contributing to the work that needs to be done is your DUTY, and not optional.

Except when it is optional.  A LOT of households split up their tasks.

X does the dishes.  Y takes out the trash. X cooks dinner. Y cleans the floors.  X takes care of the vehicles. Y shovels the sidewalk in the winter. etc etc

Sometimes when one task is a bit extra, one helps the other.
But, whatever. Go off. I find this sort of trash hot-take amusing. >

It’s just a turn of phrase. There’s no deeper meaning to it. >

How do you turn a phrase? >

You fold the cheese into it. >

I remember when this was a scandal with Matt and Abby on YouTube/TikTok, Abby jumped to his defence saying she doesn’t see what others see at all and they follow traditional roles in their relationship. I think the issue is more that the spouse who’s helping out is acting like it’s a REWARD and an act of kindness that should go noticed rather than traditional gender roles (although this is still an issue - but each to their own - and yes I’m a feminist) >

In my home kingdom, we do not run a democratic system. My wife has different obligations than I, and sometimes we do help each other in our obligations. >

I have this conversation with my wife often. I am not helping. She is not in charge of those things. We both have a stake in raising our children and taking care of all the domestic stuff. >

As long as you’re both working jobs yes absolutely. Assuming you’re both working your husband should be equally as responsible for doing housework >

These are two ways of saying the same thing. Helping your spouse is contributing to your own household. The household is both of you. >

Fuck off Shelia.  I did the damn dishes already...and cleaned the bathroom....and took out the trash.  Now get off reddit and leave me alone! >

I never say I'm helping somebody else when i do household cleaning and such. That's weird.
People actually say that?
I get when kids say they're helping their parents with these chorus. But for adults it's weird >

I say I’m helping if my partner was doing something and I joined him in cleaning. That I’d consider helping. But if I clean something up on my own I don’t see it as helping, but instead as doing my part. >

This is a r/rant - not an unpopular opinion. >

Read some of these comments 🤦‍♀️😂 >

Correct! 
My husband would never ever imply that a task around the house should be done by me. We both work full time and are expecting our first child in February. Maintaining our home is a partnership but he really steps up so that I don’t have to do even half. It’s his way of showing love and respect. Look for that in a partner. It’s should be a joy to take care of each other. >

Yes. 
At some point though it can get tiring. After 15 years of cooking and doing family dishes, it can be a drag or boring, no matter how much you love someone. 
Talk it through and make sure you aren't taking someone for granted on their "assigned" tasks. 
On the flip side, if something is bugging you, ask the other person to switch it up a bit. Don't wallow in the despair of duty. >

Even if your wife doesn't work full-time, you should help with the chores! If your wife makes you an amazing dinner, you should do the dishes and the kitchen clean up. Domestic engineers should get down time too. >

If you both have full time jobs, you are both contributing. I guess if the income is really lopsided, or someone has way more stress, maybe some couples take that into account >

Couples are free to split up their labor as they please. If it's one person's job to do laundry and the other does the dishes, if they both work on the laundry, the one who it isn't assigned to is helping the other. >

You still are technically helping though. Just because you share responsibilities, doesn’t mean you’re not helping each other. 
I can still “help” my boss or a coworker with something, even if it’s within my job duties. >

True. It really shouldnt be unpopular. >

It isn't >

100% agree. And fighting over chores irks me too. We have to cook and clean daily to survive without ill effects. If you don’t want to do something like fold clothes or rest just let me know. Cooking and folding clothes are super easy, just mildly time consuming. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of overall survival and thriving. >

You aren't helping with THEIR chores, you are helping with THE chores.  "The chores" does not denote ownership of the chores, and helping with "the chores" does not suggest anything other than that you are contributing to the household.
Sounds like your issue is with the English language. >

I agree with you, but this needs to be expanded to include children. Everyone in the household should contribute to smooth running of the household. I have no problem with mom staying home doing chores all day while dad is at work, or mom doing inside work while dad does farm work. Or vice versa.
But oh my goodness do I get tired of hearing people talk about how they don’t want their kids to feel like they are servants in the household. This idea seems so prevalent these days. And honestly, I see it more with women than men.  It’s not mom’s job. It’s not dad’s job. It’s not the kids jobs. It’s everybody’s job. >

My wife and I always split duties in the house and with taking care of our son. I always saw it growing up with my parents and I always see it with my in-laws. I think the happiest couples use an approach of splitting duties and making it chores that “we” have to do for “our” house. >

Yes. But only one of us gets pissed if it's cluttered. I could live my whole life in clutter... >

I get told I'm helping with the kids by people outside our household waaayyyy too often. >

My partner (a female, me a dude guy) thanks me all the time for cleaning up. I say "Thanks for what? I wanted a clean house." >

The definition of helping is pretty clear. Also if there are two people doing something you are technically helping. >

Dad here that's recently become less lazy.  My wife has been down and out a lot so I've taken over a majority of the household chores.  I pretend it's my pirate ship. I gotta manage all the parts of the ship and keep them in order.  Gotta get the crew (the kids) on board to help out.  The biggest ruts for guys not helping are that they don't see the messes, because they don't even know what the mess is that they're looking at.  I just didn't see what she saw until I followed her around for weeks and she pointed it out.  I did not come from a home where I was made to clean up much. >

Exactly!  Take heed people. >

I'm a stay-at-home father, and I seriously love it when my wife helps me with the chores... >

it’s very common still for people or both sexes to think & behave this way but fully agree it’s an outdated mindset that needs to go! >

I help by doing everything. >

Not necessarily. If you have a clear division of labour and you help your spouse complete their tasks then technically you are helping with chores >

I had to explain this concept to my girlfriend; I'm not making you do this, the house is, and I'm working right alongside you... >

I work from home and my wife works in an office, I have done 90% of chores since COVID and it is starting to wear on me I would like some help or a change >

Husband "you don't need to make this place look like an IKEA catalog! I don't understand why you're so upset over a tiny mess that I made which would take 2 minutes to clean up."
Also husband "wow. It's getting pretty messy in this kitchen. You're really letting the ball drop."
So clean it up? It takes 2 minutes. >

this reframe is gonna help me do my own chores >

You're helping your family. If you're married and don't think of yourselves as a family unit then you're going to face some hardship in your future relationships. >

I don’t think this is that unpopular of an opinion. But yes,  100% agreed. >

I guess no one is 'helping' anyone in a household then, right? >

There are way too many men who think it's still the 1950s >

I don't disagree. 
But the way we do it, my wife is responsible for tasks she loathes less than I do, and I do the tasks she hates. 
I bring in the wood, and clean floors/poop scoop. She generally cooks, and feeds the cats, and some other things. >

This is the way >

or i’m doing it because nobody in this house knows how to actually wash the dishes >

I get what you're saying. You're not talking about the 50/50 -everyone does their part- setups. You're talking about the "one person does absolutely everything and has to remind their spouse to do ANYTHING to help and they still fuck it up" 
there's a big difference >

They’re not gender roles, they’re basic life skills, remember “weaponized incompetence” is the third leading cause of divorce, choose a happy marriage! >

my dad needs to see this. he's always going "I HELPED you with the chores yesterday I don't have to do it every day" like he's just doing it for her and expects a prize. dude! >

Ya bros. If your wife aint a sahw then u better be working >

YESSS👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 it’s everyone’s duty if they live there >

Holy shit i got to catch myself so often thinking i helped out so much by vacuuming lol. I dont know why its like that but i do agree youre not helping youre carrying your own weight. >

110% >

I have more important things to do that argue with word choice with my husband… like both of us helping with the chores so we can get them done and we can hang out >

This!!!!! >

This is not an unpopular opinion >

If my wife needs help with the inside chores I help her. If I need help she helps me. It’s no one’s “job” in our house. We both do it to accomplish the mission. It benefits us both. She helps me cut the grass and helps change the oil in the cars and I help her iron or fold clothes.  Men, sack up and help in the house and women, grow a set and help out with the mechanical stuff (if you have a man that can fix things). The faster we get done, the faster we get to go play. >

Alternatively, now hear me out, you're helping each other. It's a relationship, not the fucking army dude. >

Why are you getting bent out of shape over semantics?  Help, duty, who gives a shit as long as the work gets done? >

That depends. Doing a chore is contributing. Doing a chore in the specific way someone asks you, in order to cater to the way they do things, is helping. >

Do people still say this? I feel like this is an older generation thing. >

You joking right?  Division of labor is always an issue that transcends generations. >

Semantics. Good Lord. Shut up. Spouses help each other. Don’t get bogged down with splitting bullshit hairs like this. >

Nah, rhetoric matters. My wife used to say that I was “very helpful with the kids/chores” which gave the impression that she did the majority of the childcare/housework. This was not the case. I’m not a sidekick.