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If your SO doesn't care if you look at their phone, you don't need to look at their phone
It's an invasion of privacy ofcourse it's wrong, if you look through their private messages without their permission that's very very bad
They're called private messages for a reason >

For the beginning of any relationship, I agree. It is weird and presumptive to insert yourself into the conversations and relationship that your partner is having unless and until they invite you in.
That said, as someone who has been married to his partner for 8 years (and in this relationship for over a decade), it feels curious to me to think of a long term relationship in which there are forbidden conversations that your partner is having that you aren't allowed to hear. My wife and I pick up each other's phones all the time, mainly because we find the texts that we send and receive hilarious. There is nothing in there that we wouldn't say to each other's face, and if our friends want to say anything private to us they would do so in person or over a phone call. 
Obviously different people have different relationships that can be healthy, and maybe this is partially a generational thing as someone in their upper 30s, but it is personally hard for me to imagine a healthy decades-long relationship that I would be in where my partner wouldn't trust me to look through their phone for amusement. >

Yeah, I feel similarly, although I know some conversations should be "off-limits" e.g. because they deal with someone else's issues. So, for instance, my wife will tell me "please don't read X chat, because that's where Marie's venting about her issues" and I think we should respect not because our SOs' privacies, but other people's privacies. >

Upvote for unpopular. I feel that if you need to look through your partner's phone, it shows a level of insecurity and distrust that makes me question the relationship as a whole. >

Okay but what about the people that DO find shady shit? Nah man. Uncool. >

If you have enough suspicion to go snooping in the first place you should already have left that person, the actual evidence is redundant if you already don't trust them. >

Not always the case. But ok. >

Seems logical to me.  If you don't trust your partner to the point where you have to get visual confirmation they aren't cheating on you, how strong is your relationship really? >

So your partner comes home on a regular basis smelling of someone else’s cologne/perfume. They insist that it’s because their workplace culture is to give hugs and that must be the case. You grow suspicious when he/she starts pulling away from you emotionally. You ask about it and they say that it’s no big deal and trust they’re really stressed from work. 
You either: 1. Completely believe them without reservation or 2. you dump them since you no longer trust them.
The logical middle ground would be to do some basic snooping to see if there is any fire where one can smell smoke. >

"logical middle ground" my ass. How about the two of you start talking to each other💀
But nah who cares >

"snooping" literally implies wrong doing. If you are just looking at their phone with permission its not snooping lol >

Exactly! 
I had an ex who literally said “you can go through my phone whenever you want. Idc. I have nothing to hide.”
does that randomly and finds out he’s been cheating on several occasions
Him: I’m afraid when you even pick up my phone now because you’re always snooping.
No sir. It’s not snooping you gave me permission to do so. >

Why do you feel the need to invade your SO privacy? Your basically saying if you want to date me you have to be willing to give up your personal privacy..... thats borderline abusive.  Healthy people talk about and work out their insecurities.... they dont feed them by snooping into people phones to find out if theybare talking shit about you. >

Borderline? It just is. >

Personally I'd like to think my SO is smart enough to hide something effectively, on a phone, should they wish to. >

Married 25 years. It would take a whole bunch of suspicious behavior for me to snoop in any of my wife's personal belongings. >

In my opinion it is an invasion of privacy - snoop and you will find and if you’re not prepared to find something hurtful then don’t snoop!! >

In my opinion, this is a very unpopular opinion. Well done >

It seems to be a very prevalent opinion in zoomers, I don't know anyone older than that that thinks it's OK >

What is a zoomer? >

Gen Z >

Thanks! Yes I agree >

I think your logic doesn't add up. If logically it isn't wrong to snoop then you have every right to get mad at whatever you find. You're saying to go ahead and snoop but be prepared to get upset and not have any right to be. That implies that on some level it is wrong. >

You can find stuff but essentially if it isn't good it can't be held against the person? Is that what the OP means? >

No they're saying that it's fine to snoop because "that's how people find out others are cheating", essentially arguing that of you find something incriminating, then suddenly snooping is no longer a bad thing or taboo.
They're also saying that if you just find things that hurt your feelings but aren't actually a deal breaker, then you can't get upset because you shouldn't have been snooping.
These two things are mutually exclusive. You cannot have it both ways. >

If you feel the need to do this all the time that speaks to bigger relationship issues. Now if I ask to use a significant others phone for a minute for something and they freak out that's something different and a huge red flag. >

I find funny people who would just leave their relationship based on allegations and don't understand the need to get proof or they would stay in ignorance and keep being cheated on until the SO makes a blatant mistake.
Snoop I say, find out for yourself. If you find nothing then move on and never mention it, if you still have doubts then talk about it.
If you talk about it first they might hide the evidence even harder. >

But it is. If your SO has given you permission to get on their phone whenever, thats one thing. But for you to sneak into their phone when they are unknowing, thats wrong. >

It's an invasion of privacy.
Even if it's warranted, even if you don't find anything incriminating, that's still what it is.
And that's a bad thing.
And you're a bad person for justifying it. >

If you're so insecure and mistrustful that you need to look through someone's phone instead of talking to them about what your issues are then you don't deserve to be in a relationship. >

Or maybe they should be honest with you so that you don't have to snoop only to find out you were right. >

That someone is snooping doesn’t mean their partner was in any way dishonest. Either way, you don’t have to snoop, it’s your own choice and responsibility. >

Huh? If I'm pretty certain my girlfriend is cheating on me I'm going to ask her about it. When she denies it, I'm checking her phone. When I discover that my suspicions were correct I'm breaking up with her. Fuck her privacy. >

Unless you have terrible taste in women (which, to be fair, certainly sounds plausible), that should be “If I discover that my suspicions are correct…”
As it turns out, people being distrustful or suspicious of their partner doesn’t mean they were right, nor that they were justified in feeling that way. >

Its wrong because you are violating EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSONS PRIVACY that your SO talks with.  thats fucked up. >

If you don't trust your partner, just say it. >

My wife doesn’t have to “snoop” through my phone because she can use it whenever she needs to and has my password. I have hers as well. If she wants to go through it, she is going to get bored quickly. >

Yep. It’s what an actual healthy, loving, and trusting relationship looks like - the more they know and are in every part of it, the better it is. Life is so much happier when there is nothing to hide. >

there was a time with my ex when his phone started blowing up at three in the morning, he was acting weird and told me it was just one of his coworkers being drunk.. something didn’t sit right with me so the next day when i woke up, all i had to do was press the home button on his phone and saw his phone blown up by his female coworker talking about how much she wanted to fuck him again etc. i couldn’t look at him the same after that and completely blocked him afterward. awful feeling, but sometimes it’s needed in my opinion as well because who knows how much longer i would’ve stuck around with that bs if i didn’t have the feeling to look through his phone. >

Thank god this is such an unpopular opinion.
Sometimes I'm convinced that abandoning trust and communication in the name of nurturing insecurities is the new normal. Phew! >

Well take my upvote. I wholeheartedly disagree. Like to the point I will refuse to date anyone who wants to look at my phone. For literally any reason other than two or three very specific examples. It’s like a diary to me, completely private. If they suspected I was cheating, which I’d never do, they should talk to me about it. In that case, I’d insist they look at my phone to prove my innocence. Other than things like that, they’d never get access. >

It’s unethical, but informative, just like any type of spying. People like to throw around the word insecure, but if you know someone is lying to you and you want to find out the truth, it is the easiest way to do so. Everyone likes to pretend that they’re morally perfect on the internet; but life is much more comlex than that. Sometimes you might even need to gather evidence to prove fault in a divorce or for you own safety. Who wants to be oblivious and get blindsided in all their relationships? It seems unwise to me. >

Exactly >

Anything you have to do behind someone’s back is wrong, otherwise you wouldn’t need to do it behind their back >

So Christmas presents are immoral? >

Do you really need someone to explain the difference between giving a surprise gift vs violating someone’s trust by doing things they don’t want you to do behind their back? >

Yes >

My phone is my property - there’s a lot of private information on my phone; venting and planning in my notes, medical information in emails, etc. “Snooping” implies a suspicion that something is wrong. If my partner believes something is wrong, and feels he can’t communicate with me about the issue, and resorts to secretly taking something that belongs to me and scouring through my personal information for answers, the relationship is already over. >

Same, I’m out. >

Upvoted for unpopular. 
Is is wrong. It's an invasion of privacy. Everyone is entitled to a certain level of privacy regardless of their relationship status. 
Why on earth would you think it's ok? You haven't actually explained that in your post. >

My ex did that and that is one of the many reasons she's an ex. >

upvote for unpopular. 
If someone opens something of mine that is locked that I haven't asked them to open they are wrong. This isn't negotiable for me. If there's a legitimate reason to look then ask. >

It's insecure and intrusive behaviour and like you'll have heard a million times a million ways wrong. 
But like OP said it is an act of self harm as much as you can't complain if you look and find things you didn't like you can't unknow the things you found out in your intrusion and it will just effect your relationship plain and simple whether permitted or not and you'll still end up treating them differently for the knowledge you stole. >

Unpopular opinion under the unpopular opinion: snooping on your SO's phone is wrong, unless you find something that warranted the search (talking cheating level kind of stuff).
I wouldn't snoop on my SO's phone, unless I'm certain (with other evidence) that cheating is occurring and that the phone's contents is the final nail in the coffin. >


"Yeah you can look at their phone but dont get angry, dont get hurt, dont make them explain things to you"

OP basically says if you happen to find out something that you dont like and they didnt tell you (eg theyre cheating on you) dont talk to them about it and just ignore it. This is a shit take on many levels. What purpose would looking into the phone even serve if you wouldnt talk about what bothers you?
I appreciate seeing an unpopular opinion here, but you didnt really think it through all the way. The dilemma of not being able to talk to them about it because youd have to admit that you looked into their phone just means that looking into the phone is wrong. If it was nothing wrong why wouldnt you talk to your SO about what youve found? >

I got a conflict with this matter because, on the one hand, meddling in couples' devices to check over their activity is intrusive. But, on the other hand, people are in the right to bear out any cheating situation. >

This opinion isn't a coherent thought. The justification OP gives for looking at someones phone is irrelevant to whether it actually is okay or not >

Been married 32 years plus!  No password on my phone so my SO can search whatever they want! Snoop!  I do not care! >

Now nothing more insecure than not letting your SO through your phone, you 100% have something to hide and shouldn't be bad mouthing them to anyone anyway, it's called respect and it is still there even if they are not present. You all ass >

A good relationship is when you don't have to snoop in your partner's phone >

Yes it is wrong. Get help. >

Upvote for unpopular, good job, OP!
For me my personal messages are a pretty good way to vent and "unwind", so I would not like my SO snooping on my phone. It goes a bit deeper than that, but I really don't like when people snoop around. I'm not interested in your texts, you shouldn't be interested in mine. When my girlfriend boots up streaming services through my laptop when I'm gone she always texts me which is very nice I feel. >

I feel conflicted in this. I only once felt compelled to snoop on my SO’s messages (FB left open) and it’s because they were gaslighting me on things to the point I thought I was going crazy and just wanted validation that things were ok. And they weren’t. His reaction wasn’t to apologize for having lied to me, but being outraged that I snooped. So color me jaded, but I feel most people that treat not snooping as the 11th commandment seem sketch AF. If my current boyfriend ever asked to look at my phone for any reasons I have zero qualms handing it right over and being just fine with myself and life. I get there are extremes, and there should be boundaries and trust, and so if they were constantly trying to “catch me” I would be hurt and concerned. But honestly, aside from that one cheating toxic hoe, this hasn’t ever been an issue in any other relationship that I’ve had. >

This is EXACTLY why I don't think it's some sort of relationship sin. 
It's ridiculous how many people I know that have cheated or been cheated on, and it went on for much longer than it should have because one partner was trained to not be a Snoop. 
If they're acting shady, they weren't where they said they were going to be, their story doesn't add up,  or you just have a feeling --I think you have every right to,  and quite frankly are stupid not to, make sure your significant other is who you think they are. >

Amen. And again, I never snooped before that relationship or after. But this guy was like all the people in this thread, about his privacy and when he was acting weird how I was projecting my insecurities on him, etc. I literally thought I was some awful person. No, he was just a manipulative mentally/emotionally abusive jerk. I say trust your instincts. If you think you need to look - then look, and don’t let people tell you there is some noble must-do etiquette about burying your head in the sand. >

I just ask him and he hands it to me if I'm feeling insecure about something. Because I have my own issues and he had his early in the relationship. We decided to just ask. Made it so we had peace of mind. >

If someone already has solid evidence of cheating or other very serious issues, but they need evidence for divorce court, I think they're stupid not to "snoop".
I get really tired of "you're so insecure". It is not insecure if your partner is giving off alarming vibe after alarming vibe. 
Triangulation is a common tactic of narcissists. Some intentionally sow the seeds of "insecurity" by negatively comparing their partner to another. They thrive on making their partner feel less than. They want drama and uncertainty and anxiety and pick me dancing.
Even if not a narcissist cheater, they're very likely creating all kinds of stress for their partner with changes in behavior. 
That's not organic insecurities, that's anxiety created by a manipulative partner  on purpose.  So sometimes they reap what they sow when they are snooped on.
Verification of information is different than random and unwarranted snooping. Your SO has the right to vent about petty things. Your partner may choose not to tell you something inconsequential because they thought it would hurt you (nothing like an affair, maybe they don't really like your favorite food that you cook often). 
I am sure I could go hurt my own feelings by snooping but as long as I trust in his fidelity, I won't bother. 
We'd been dating a little over a month, when we went out of town.  He lost his phone. I wasn't working so I went back to get it. I had full access for hours until he was off work. Know what I did? Nothing, because I had no reason to. Five years later and he still hasn't created distrust enough for me to go through his phone. It's not a perfect relationship by any means, but he's never made me suspicious of his fidelity. >

Trust is so important and so hard to build in this modern age. 
I'd be so fine with a gf who looked through my phone and let me do the same.
Now actually spending time doing this on a regular basis is a different story, but the option should be there. Your partners phone shouldn't be like some off limits thing. If you look through it once a month thst isn't sign of paranoia but rather that being allowed is how you build trust.