>

I was trying to say that your feelings may be hurt by something you find, that is NOT your partner is cheating. 
I think that's something that the snooper would need to deal with, and the partner does not need to answer for . 
Does that make sense?
It's an invasion of privacy ofcourse it's wrong, if you look through their private messages without their permission that's very very bad
They're called private messages for a reason >

For the beginning of any relationship, I agree. It is weird and presumptive to insert yourself into the conversations and relationship that your partner is having unless and until they invite you in.
That said, as someone who has been married to his partner for 8 years (and in this relationship for over a decade), it feels curious to me to think of a long term relationship in which there are forbidden conversations that your partner is having that you aren't allowed to hear. My wife and I pick up each other's phones all the time, mainly because we find the texts that we send and receive hilarious. There is nothing in there that we wouldn't say to each other's face, and if our friends want to say anything private to us they would do so in person or over a phone call. 
Obviously different people have different relationships that can be healthy, and maybe this is partially a generational thing as someone in their upper 30s, but it is personally hard for me to imagine a healthy decades-long relationship that I would be in where my partner wouldn't trust me to look through their phone for amusement. >

Yeah, I feel similarly, although I know some conversations should be "off-limits" e.g. because they deal with someone else's issues. So, for instance, my wife will tell me "please don't read X chat, because that's where Marie's venting about her issues" and I think we should respect not because our SOs' privacies, but other people's privacies. >

Upvote for unpopular. I feel that if you need to look through your partner's phone, it shows a level of insecurity and distrust that makes me question the relationship as a whole. >

Okay but what about the people that DO find shady shit? Nah man. Uncool. >

If you have enough suspicion to go snooping in the first place you should already have left that person, the actual evidence is redundant if you already don't trust them. >

Not always the case. But ok. >

Seems logical to me.  If you don't trust your partner to the point where you have to get visual confirmation they aren't cheating on you, how strong is your relationship really? >

So your partner comes home on a regular basis smelling of someone else’s cologne/perfume. They insist that it’s because their workplace culture is to give hugs and that must be the case. You grow suspicious when he/she starts pulling away from you emotionally. You ask about it and they say that it’s no big deal and trust they’re really stressed from work. 
You either: 1. Completely believe them without reservation or 2. you dump them since you no longer trust them.
The logical middle ground would be to do some basic snooping to see if there is any fire where one can smell smoke. >

"logical middle ground" my ass. How about the two of you start talking to each other💀
But nah who cares >

"snooping" literally implies wrong doing. If you are just looking at their phone with permission its not snooping lol >

Exactly! 
I had an ex who literally said “you can go through my phone whenever you want. Idc. I have nothing to hide.”
does that randomly and finds out he’s been cheating on several occasions
Him: I’m afraid when you even pick up my phone now because you’re always snooping.
No sir. It’s not snooping you gave me permission to do so. >

Why do you feel the need to invade your SO privacy? Your basically saying if you want to date me you have to be willing to give up your personal privacy..... thats borderline abusive.  Healthy people talk about and work out their insecurities.... they dont feed them by snooping into people phones to find out if theybare talking shit about you. >

Borderline? It just is. >

Personally I'd like to think my SO is smart enough to hide something effectively, on a phone, should they wish to. >

Married 25 years. It would take a whole bunch of suspicious behavior for me to snoop in any of my wife's personal belongings. >

In my opinion it is an invasion of privacy - snoop and you will find and if you’re not prepared to find something hurtful then don’t snoop!! >

In my opinion, this is a very unpopular opinion. Well done >

It seems to be a very prevalent opinion in zoomers, I don't know anyone older than that that thinks it's OK >

What is a zoomer? >

Gen Z >

Thanks! Yes I agree >

I think your logic doesn't add up. If logically it isn't wrong to snoop then you have every right to get mad at whatever you find. You're saying to go ahead and snoop but be prepared to get upset and not have any right to be. That implies that on some level it is wrong. >

You can find stuff but essentially if it isn't good it can't be held against the person? Is that what the OP means? >

No they're saying that it's fine to snoop because "that's how people find out others are cheating", essentially arguing that of you find something incriminating, then suddenly snooping is no longer a bad thing or taboo.
They're also saying that if you just find things that hurt your feelings but aren't actually a deal breaker, then you can't get upset because you shouldn't have been snooping.
These two things are mutually exclusive. You cannot have it both ways. >

If you feel the need to do this all the time that speaks to bigger relationship issues. Now if I ask to use a significant others phone for a minute for something and they freak out that's something different and a huge red flag. >

I find funny people who would just leave their relationship based on allegations and don't understand the need to get proof or they would stay in ignorance and keep being cheated on until the SO makes a blatant mistake.
Snoop I say, find out for yourself. If you find nothing then move on and never mention it, if you still have doubts then talk about it.
If you talk about it first they might hide the evidence even harder. >

But it is. If your SO has given you permission to get on their phone whenever, thats one thing. But for you to sneak into their phone when they are unknowing, thats wrong. >

It's an invasion of privacy.
Even if it's warranted, even if you don't find anything incriminating, that's still what it is.
And that's a bad thing.
And you're a bad person for justifying it. >

If you're so insecure and mistrustful that you need to look through someone's phone instead of talking to them about what your issues are then you don't deserve to be in a relationship. >

Or maybe they should be honest with you so that you don't have to snoop only to find out you were right. >

That someone is snooping doesn’t mean their partner was in any way dishonest. Either way, you don’t have to snoop, it’s your own choice and responsibility. >

Huh? If I'm pretty certain my girlfriend is cheating on me I'm going to ask her about it. When she denies it, I'm checking her phone. When I discover that my suspicions were correct I'm breaking up with her. Fuck her privacy. >

Unless you have terrible taste in women (which, to be fair, certainly sounds plausible), that should be “If I discover that my suspicions are correct…”
As it turns out, people being distrustful or suspicious of their partner doesn’t mean they were right, nor that they were justified in feeling that way. >

Its wrong because you are violating EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSONS PRIVACY that your SO talks with.  thats fucked up. >

If you don't trust your partner, just say it. >

My wife doesn’t have to “snoop” through my phone because she can use it whenever she needs to and has my password. I have hers as well. If she wants to go through it, she is going to get bored quickly. >

Yep. It’s what an actual healthy, loving, and trusting relationship looks like - the more they know and are in every part of it, the better it is. Life is so much happier when there is nothing to hide. >

there was a time with my ex when his phone started blowing up at three in the morning, he was acting weird and told me it was just one of his coworkers being drunk.. something didn’t sit right with me so the next day when i woke up, all i had to do was press the home button on his phone and saw his phone blown up by his female coworker talking about how much she wanted to fuck him again etc. i couldn’t look at him the same after that and completely blocked him afterward. awful feeling, but sometimes it’s needed in my opinion as well because who knows how much longer i would’ve stuck around with that bs if i didn’t have the feeling to look through his phone. >

Thank god this is such an unpopular opinion.
Sometimes I'm convinced that abandoning trust and communication in the name of nurturing insecurities is the new normal. Phew! >

Well take my upvote. I wholeheartedly disagree. Like to the point I will refuse to date anyone who wants to look at my phone. For literally any reason other than two or three very specific examples. It’s like a diary to me, completely private. If they suspected I was cheating, which I’d never do, they should talk to me about it. In that case, I’d insist they look at my phone to prove my innocence. Other than things like that, they’d never get access. >

It’s unethical, but informative, just like any type of spying. People like to throw around the word insecure, but if you know someone is lying to you and you want to find out the truth, it is the easiest way to do so. Everyone likes to pretend that they’re morally perfect on the internet; but life is much more comlex than that. Sometimes you might even need to gather evidence to prove fault in a divorce or for you own safety. Who wants to be oblivious and get blindsided in all their relationships? It seems unwise to me. >

Exactly >

Anything you have to do behind someone’s back is wrong, otherwise you wouldn’t need to do it behind their back >

So Christmas presents are immoral? >

Do you really need someone to explain the difference between giving a surprise gift vs violating someone’s trust by doing things they don’t want you to do behind their back? >

Yes >

My phone is my property - there’s a lot of private information on my phone; venting and planning in my notes, medical information in emails, etc. “Snooping” implies a suspicion that something is wrong. If my partner believes something is wrong, and feels he can’t communicate with me about the issue, and resorts to secretly taking something that belongs to me and scouring through my personal information for answers, the relationship is already over. >

Same, I’m out. >

Upvoted for unpopular. 
Is is wrong. It's an invasion of privacy. Everyone is entitled to a certain level of privacy regardless of their relationship status. 
Why on earth would you think it's ok? You haven't actually explained that in your post. >

My ex did that and that is one of the many reasons she's an ex. >

upvote for unpopular. 
If someone opens something of mine that is locked that I haven't asked them to open they are wrong. This isn't negotiable for me. If there's a legitimate reason to look then ask. >

It's insecure and intrusive behaviour and like you'll have heard a million times a million ways wrong. 
But like OP said it is an act of self harm as much as you can't complain if you look and find things you didn't like you can't unknow the things you found out in your intrusion and it will just effect your relationship plain and simple whether permitted or not and you'll still end up treating them differently for the knowledge you stole. >

Unpopular opinion under the unpopular opinion: snooping on your SO's phone is wrong, unless you find something that warranted the search (talking cheating level kind of stuff).
I wouldn't snoop on my SO's phone, unless I'm certain (with other evidence) that cheating is occurring and that the phone's contents is the final nail in the coffin. >


"Yeah you can look at their phone but dont get angry, dont get hurt, dont make them explain things to you"

OP basically says if you happen to find out something that you dont like and they didnt tell you (eg theyre cheating on you) dont talk to them about it and just ignore it. This is a shit take on many levels. What purpose would looking into the phone even serve if you wouldnt talk about what bothers you?
I appreciate seeing an unpopular opinion here, but you didnt really think it through all the way. The dilemma of not being able to talk to them about it because youd have to admit that you looked into their phone just means that looking into the phone is wrong. If it was nothing wrong why wouldnt you talk to your SO about what youve found? >

I got a conflict with this matter because, on the one hand, meddling in couples' devices to check over their activity is intrusive. But, on the other hand, people are in the right to bear out any cheating situation. >

This opinion isn't a coherent thought. The justification OP gives for looking at someones phone is irrelevant to whether it actually is okay or not >

Been married 32 years plus!  No password on my phone so my SO can search whatever they want! Snoop!  I do not care! >

Now nothing more insecure than not letting your SO through your phone, you 100% have something to hide and shouldn't be bad mouthing them to anyone anyway, it's called respect and it is still there even if they are not present. You all ass >

A good relationship is when you don't have to snoop in your partner's phone >

Yes it is wrong. Get help. >

Upvote for unpopular, good job, OP!
For me my personal messages are a pretty good way to vent and "unwind", so I would not like my SO snooping on my phone. It goes a bit deeper than that, but I really don't like when people snoop around. I'm not interested in your texts, you shouldn't be interested in mine. When my girlfriend boots up streaming services through my laptop when I'm gone she always texts me which is very nice I feel. >

I feel conflicted in this. I only once felt compelled to snoop on my SO’s messages (FB left open) and it’s because they were gaslighting me on things to the point I thought I was going crazy and just wanted validation that things were ok. And they weren’t. His reaction wasn’t to apologize for having lied to me, but being outraged that I snooped. So color me jaded, but I feel most people that treat not snooping as the 11th commandment seem sketch AF. If my current boyfriend ever asked to look at my phone for any reasons I have zero qualms handing it right over and being just fine with myself and life. I get there are extremes, and there should be boundaries and trust, and so if they were constantly trying to “catch me” I would be hurt and concerned. But honestly, aside from that one cheating toxic hoe, this hasn’t ever been an issue in any other relationship that I’ve had. >

This is EXACTLY why I don't think it's some sort of relationship sin. 
It's ridiculous how many people I know that have cheated or been cheated on, and it went on for much longer than it should have because one partner was trained to not be a Snoop. 
If they're acting shady, they weren't where they said they were going to be, their story doesn't add up,  or you just have a feeling --I think you have every right to,  and quite frankly are stupid not to, make sure your significant other is who you think they are. >

Amen. And again, I never snooped before that relationship or after. But this guy was like all the people in this thread, about his privacy and when he was acting weird how I was projecting my insecurities on him, etc. I literally thought I was some awful person. No, he was just a manipulative mentally/emotionally abusive jerk. I say trust your instincts. If you think you need to look - then look, and don’t let people tell you there is some noble must-do etiquette about burying your head in the sand. >

I just ask him and he hands it to me if I'm feeling insecure about something. Because I have my own issues and he had his early in the relationship. We decided to just ask. Made it so we had peace of mind. >

If someone already has solid evidence of cheating or other very serious issues, but they need evidence for divorce court, I think they're stupid not to "snoop".
I get really tired of "you're so insecure". It is not insecure if your partner is giving off alarming vibe after alarming vibe. 
Triangulation is a common tactic of narcissists. Some intentionally sow the seeds of "insecurity" by negatively comparing their partner to another. They thrive on making their partner feel less than. They want drama and uncertainty and anxiety and pick me dancing.
Even if not a narcissist cheater, they're very likely creating all kinds of stress for their partner with changes in behavior. 
That's not organic insecurities, that's anxiety created by a manipulative partner  on purpose.  So sometimes they reap what they sow when they are snooped on.
Verification of information is different than random and unwarranted snooping. Your SO has the right to vent about petty things. Your partner may choose not to tell you something inconsequential because they thought it would hurt you (nothing like an affair, maybe they don't really like your favorite food that you cook often). 
I am sure I could go hurt my own feelings by snooping but as long as I trust in his fidelity, I won't bother. 
We'd been dating a little over a month, when we went out of town.  He lost his phone. I wasn't working so I went back to get it. I had full access for hours until he was off work. Know what I did? Nothing, because I had no reason to. Five years later and he still hasn't created distrust enough for me to go through his phone. It's not a perfect relationship by any means, but he's never made me suspicious of his fidelity. >

Trust is so important and so hard to build in this modern age. 
I'd be so fine with a gf who looked through my phone and let me do the same.
Now actually spending time doing this on a regular basis is a different story, but the option should be there. Your partners phone shouldn't be like some off limits thing. If you look through it once a month thst isn't sign of paranoia but rather that being allowed is how you build trust. >

If your SO doesn't care if you look at their phone, you don't need to look at their phone >

My partner and I have an open communication - we're both allowed to look at whatever in eachother's phones. 
We've both never asked to see eachother's phones either because we both trust eachother and don't need to. 
We just have it established that there's no hard hands-off rule is all. 
I'll answer his if he's out of reach of it, and vice versa, and we'll use eachother's phone to share pictures and whatnot anyways. 
That's what a relationship with trust looks like to me! >

I feel like whether or not this is ok is not really an opinion, it violates someone's right to privacy. But it seems we certainly disagree about the degree to which it's wrong, so congrats, that is indeed an unpopular opinion >

The way I see it is that if you snoop and don’t find anything suspicious, then you’re at fault for invading their privacy. But if you snoop and DO find something suspicious, then the other person is at fault for hiding it. >

It's right if you suspect something. My ex was lying about her relationship with her ex and I went digging. Turns out she was cheating on me and we were planning on getting married. If you don't have reasonable suspicion like lying, hiding things, being overly protective then I think it's wrong. If you notice very suspicious behavior, go for it. I will say I didn't snoop, I told her to her face to open the chat with her ex, I want to see it. >


Nothing wrong with looking at their phone

Wdym nothing wrong? Even if we are in a relationship, I still need my own privacy, just the way you need yours too. If we're watching something on the phone, or I'm just scrolling on social media, and you're somewhere next to me, it's ok if you look at my phone. If I'm texting someone and you're looking at my phone, it's not ok. If I'm not anywhere near my phone, and you start looking for whatever the fuck you're trying to find on my phone, while I'm not around and without my permission, you're a fucking piece of shit and at this point I'm not gonna keep dating you.
It is MY phone for a reason. If I want to show you something on my phone, I will. If you ask to see something on my phone, I might let you, but don't touch something that isn't yours. Being in a relationship with me doesn't give you permission to go trough my phone,  unless I told you that I'm completely fine with that. >

My husband and I have been together for just over 20 years. I've had a strict policy of giving him full access to any and all of my devices over the years. I have nothing to hide. I've never cheated nor even flirted with anyone. There is nothing on my devices that I am ashamed of. He knows my Reddit account name and is allowed to read anything I write even if it's about him or us or our families. I'm pretty truthful (painfully so in some circumstances)...
That being said, he had the same policy... sort of... mainly because I never felt the need to snoop. I pretty much always know where he is or what he's doing at any given time.
Then, he had a stroke and is now paralyzed. After his stroke, my tablet died. So, I picked up his whilst he was hospitalized and began using it. One of our dogs died a month into this mess; so, I began looking through his 'gallery' of photos to look for images or videos of the now-deceased girlie in order to upload them to the Internet for safekeeping considering how I'd lost a lot of stuff upon the death of my tablet.
I began to find all sorts of things... Dirty videos, screenshots, dirty chat photos, etc.
Turns out, the man I now have to now care for 24 hours a day, cheated on me four to five times over the last two decades.
He's very lucky I'm forgiving and merciful and willing to stick around and care for the man I love. Sex is just sex.
The point is, maybe I SHOULD have been "snooping..." when I had easy access... >

Did you get the photos of your dog? >

Yup. Photos and video. She loved to swim. We have hours and hours and hours of footage of her swimming in pools, lakes, seas, and oceans. >

Insecurity is reeking from your post. Communicate, not rocket science. >

it is for some >

If you feel there’s always something bad you could find out about your partner you shouldn’t be in a relationship in the first place >

Unpopular opinion...if you feel the need to look at all without any true reason youre insecure af. >

I’d be angry if I’d gotten messages from my friends or family members confiding in me about something and my partner snooped in my phone and had access to their secrets.  Not everything is about you.  People can be faithful and honest and have nothing to hide but the betrayal of you invading their privacy may be enough to make them end a relationship. It shows a lack of maturity. >

I have conversations with coworkers and friends about things my boyfriend absolutely doesn’t need to know. I get emails from work that would be HIPAA violations if he saw them. It absolutely isn’t okay to go through your SO’s phone for reasons like that. >

To an extent I kind of agree with you. 
If it’s been 3+ years and your partner still doesn’t want their phone around you when they leave the room, they’re still hiding their screen when you look over at them, they still snatch their phone up any time they get a notification.
Cmon. At a certain point it becomes clear that there’s a different personality or even life that they’re not comfortable sharing with you. You, somebody who’s supposed to be their other half. And they’re hiding these things from you because they know it poses a threat to your relationship. Otherwise, they’d be free to share this other side of them.
To pretend like that’s just “normal privacy” is pretty disingenuous. >

Everyone is entitled to their own privacy regardless of what they’re apparently “hiding”. It doesn’t matter what your SO is comfortable sharing, you’re not obligated to share everything. If you are, that’s great. If you aren’t, that’s normal. >

As you said, they might be venting to their friends/family. Or their friends might be venting to them, telling them things not intended for you. They assume the only recipient is your partner.
Or if they're keeping a diary on their phone? Also not intended for you. That is an invasion of privacy. >

You didn't in any way justify snooping in your partner's phone, you just said don't get butt hurt if you find something you don't like. That's not a justification, nor does it make it okay to invade their privacy. You are just a piece of shit, OP
And it doesn't even sound like you believe in what you said anyway, you just want  upvotes. You even continue to call it snooping to the very end of the post, which obviously has a negative connotation. >

I use my partner's phone as a second phone and they do the same with mine.  Don't get why people are so protective when it comes to your partner using your phone >

People try to justify their shadiness as if it’s a virtue and you’re the insecure one for realizing how many red flags are going off. If you have nothing to hide it is literally not even a conversation. By bf knows my friends, my plans, my coworkers, my family. He knows the ones that are knuckle heads and the ones that are close as kin. He would never just go scrolling through my phone for no reason, but he has used it before, I’ve handed it over many times for different things and have no care of messages popping up, scrolling too far into pictures, or anything of that nature. People on here talking about conversations as if they have Top Secret shit out of Biden’s garage copied on their phones. Nope, each and everyone of them are L-I-A-R-S hiding their secrets and playing their games. And they know it, but prefer pretending it’s the high ground and not the very obvious tell on their duplicity. >

It’s an invasion of privacy and lack of respect.
That being said I would think the majority of people would do it if they suspected their SO of cheating and they thought they could search the phone and get away with it. >

I snooped once. Hated the feeling. We had access to each others phones and he would use my phone often. 
My defense that actions weren’t matching up to words and my ex would disappear for hours. I had a gut feeling that something was up. I looked at a message from a guy he used to hang out with - it  was all about me and how he hates me and horrible things he’d do to me. 
Still felt like shit for snooping to this day and never plan on doing it again. However, I don’t regret my actions during that time because I was able to leave before he (potentially) harmed me like he wanted to. >


Nothing wrong with looking at their phone

Why is not wrong though? Why is it okay to invade their privacy? >

Let me fix that for you...
"It's not wrong to invade your SO's privacy"
Or alternatively...
"It's not wrong to not trust your SO"
Or even...
"It's perfectly okay to not respect and trust your SO just because you're jealous and insecure" >

That’s a bad take for sure. It would suck to live like that. Take my upvote. >

Bruh ?????! What in the world ? No it really is not ok. >

I agree to an extent. If I don’t allow my partner to snoop through my phone, they’re not going to no matter how much they try to demand it. I wouldn’t ever look through my partner’s phone. However we could use each other’s phones when needed and if they act sketchy about it, there’s a high probability something is wrong. >

Yes it is boyo. >

It is wrong to snoop on their phone >

You either trust your partner or you don't. Use your words instead of trying to distract yourself with invading their privacy >

I’m assuming you have no problem with your SO looking through YOUR phone. Actually there is no healthy answer if you do or if you don’t >

It’s a INVASION OF PRIVACY and something that many are NOT okay with >

Definitely unpopular. 
If you think it's okay to snoop through your SO's phone, you're just trying to justify feeling insecure.
Furthermore, finding out that they are cheating doesn't make snooping right. It just means you're both awful people.
2 lefts don't make a right. You're just moving backwards. >

This post is brought to you by a healthy and trusting relationship >

What’s wrong is when you go intentionally trying to find something to be mad at and don’t let your SO know you’re going through their stuff. It’s shows you just don’t trust them.
Just be upfront with your partner and ask them to be open and honest. When they then hide their phone, that’s how you know. My wife and I don’t have issues with showing each other stuff, equally there’s stuff on our phones we don’t want each other to see. I don’t want her to see porn and be upset, I don’t want to see the porn on her phone and be upset. I also tell her no when it’s around a holiday when I’m getting her a gift. >

That’s how you know… what? Because not allowing anyone else to access your phone just must be malicious or shady somehow? >

Ok, but it is though. To me, it's an end of relationship level of distrust. You start going through my devices, that's it, relationship over. >

Oh yes, there is.
Do you want to see my phone? Ask and I'll hand it to you.
If you have a concern? Ask and I'll answer it. 
But don't ever go behind my back and invade my privacy. >

Honestly this just makes me feel sorry for you then >

It is wrong >

"It's not wrong to distrust and have no respect for your SO"
Noted. >

If you look through your partner's phone without their consent, then you have no respect for their personal privacy and you are a terrible person. People are allowed to have personal privacy, even if they're your partner. >

r/NotUnpopularJustWrong >

I'm just confused about how any of those paragraphs justifies snooping. Like no shit you might find stuff. That's exactly why you're snooping. The expectation of finding stuff.