>

With me and my partner, squabbles happen. But big fights are rare. Like, really rare. Some friction is going to be present in any relationship, but it’s a question of degrees and frequency.
It's not that fighting (whether a screaming match or throwing punches) is unavoidable, it's that conflict is unavoidable. At some point you will have a difference of opinion with someone you're in a relationship with, and it will require compromise and patience from both sides of the relationship.
But that conflict doesn't have to turn into toxicity or violence as you're talking about, as long as you can talk about it together.
The conflict-resolution tool you have available is open and honest communication, and while a little white lie is fine now and then it won't help you solve relationship conflicts.
If one or both sides are unable or unwilling to have that kind of conversation, that's when the problems start. >

My wife and I don't fight or argue. >

Same here.
I was married once before. I won’t go into all the details, but it was not a healthy relationship. High conflict, high drama. Thing is, my temperament is conflict-avoidant, so I spent all of my time working to solve problems, so she’d finally be happy. Alas, these “problems” were purposefully crafted, to keep the supply of attention focused solely on her at all times. I was naive, so it took me awhile to figure it all out. It did not end well. She turned extremely aggressive (including physically), once I finally affirmed some boundaries.
I am married now, a second time. My wife and I get along beautifully. We share the same basic values. We generally agree on most things (and where we disagree, it’s small stuff, not worth a fight or anything). We never fight, we never argue, and there is never deceit or bullshit. Ever. It’s not that we “work” to never argue, it just never happens. Neither one of us is controlling, and we can both do whatever the fuck we want. What we want, is to simply be kind, and not have stupid drama in our lives. It’s wonderful.
I don’t believe relationships need to be “work.” You just need to be in a relationship with the right person. Then it’s literally no work at all.
If you find you have to “work” on your relationship, then, it’s not a good relationship. Probably because one or both parties are narcissists. >


If you find you have to “work” on your relationship, then, it’s not a good relationship.

This is fucking hilarious. I bet if I spoke with your first wife I'd hear a much different story than what you gave. If you truly believe what you said then you can expect a similar ending to your second marriage. >

That’s such a weird view of romantic relationships to have. Human interactions in general are pretty complex and it’s virtually impossible to have two humans be so in sync that they never disagree on anything. A relationship is going to have disagreements and conflicts regardless of how well suited the people are for each other.
A relationship that needs no work is one where one of the two people involved is just not voicing their desires and concerns and is secretly unhappy. That’s no more healthy than one where you constantly need to work on keeping the relationship together.
Too much work is not good. No work is just a lie. >

This comment is so, so true. The people saying they never disagree are either not communicating or one partner has serious conflict avoidance issues and just goes along with whatever the other person wants. >

If they agree on the important issues, what else is there to fight about though? Some people are really not particular about a lot of small stuff. As long as they are in sync with the  important things and both are good roommates ie they're easy to live with. >

I'm not going to recap everything I just said and I've said elsewhere.
There's plenty of other issues that will come up. Oh, you agree on having kids? Cool, now have one and tell me you'll never disagree on anything to do with them ever. It's simply impossible. >

You will disagree about things for sure, but I was talking about fights in this comment. Why do disagreements have to turn into fights? Fighting is not the only way to resolve a disagreement >


the people that are saying they never disagree

This is the comment you're responding to. >

I think occassional fights or disagreements are understandable. My wife and I generally don't argue for months on end, but there will be one little thing here or there that fires us up, but then it's over in like 5 minutes and we move on.  But multiple arguments a week, especially big ones? Seems insufferable.
My wife's sister fights so much with everyone that it's normal to her. She implied, a year or two after my wife and I started dating, that it was a HUGE red flag that we never fought over anything or had screaming matches, and that we were headed for a major disaster. We've been together for 12 years and no disaster yet.
Some people are just so belligerent and disagreeable that fighting has become their way of life. It's their answer to everything and it is omnipresent, so they convince themselves that, clearly, it must be necessary, and perhaps even a good thing.
Human beings are fucking broken, hardcore. >

Wow she sounds like a crappy person. It’s probably because she’s not happy in her relationship maybe she’s always been in one’s like it so she thinks that’s what it should be and thinks she’s happy but how disgusting of her to say it’s a red flag you don’t fight honestly sounds like she’a jealous and needs to bring you guys down to make herself feel better. Man I hate peoples like that they are obviously unhappy and hate people around them for their happiness.
Idk how you feel about her, sorry if I went to hard but damn dude I’m sorry you have to deal with that from someone in your extended family. >

Lmao, that's it's okay, friend; my own parents have been fighting daily for the past 20+ years, pretty much. Hell, my mom even fights with my dad when he isn't around; she'll just vent to me and tell me how her side of the argument would go, lol.
My sister-in-law is just a straight-up narc; bringing other people down so she can elevate herself is her whole MO. Her and her husband get into some kind of blow-out argument at pretty much every holiday gathering. She's a bitch, plain and simple.
I think maybe that's the reason my wife are so easygoing; we both grew up around people who wanted to fight for no reason, so we've learned to pick our battles, and when there is some kind of disagreement, we just discuss it and move on instead of turning it into a screaming match. >

Married for 14 years.  We don't fight often.  Very rarely in fact.  
Here is the Key(s):  
#1: Communication.  Be real.  When your upset you have to be able to communicate that clearly.  And talk about the issue, talk about your feelings, do not throw insults to make yourself feel better.  If you just too upset, then take a break and go for a walk, then try again.
#2: Never demand a solution to a problem that you wouldn't accept if it was pushed on you.  The golden rule really is critical here.
#3: Learn to pick your battles.  There will always be things that come up and annoy you.  Learn to pick which ones need to be dealt with and which ones should to be ignored.
#4: This is a 2-player game.  If both of you can't learn to live with these rules/suggestions, then perhaps you should think about moving on to someone who will. >

#4 only applies before you marry. Make sure the commitment of marriage is something you're sure of before you tie the knot. >

You can divorce >

You can, and sometimes it's the best option. But we shouldn't go into marriage essentially half-assed because "you can divorce". You should go into it expecting to be committed for life. A team attitude makes a huge difference in whether the trials of life drive you apart or bring you together. >


You should go into it expecting to be committed for life.

Yes, but this expectancy can't and shouldn't be stronger than incompatibility you can't live with. It's "be ready for shit" not "expect shit to happen". 
Also, even that point is debatable, why you say it's wrong to marry not expecting life-long commitment? Because your mom said so? And her mom? Or just in general? >


I am talking about yelling, screaming, and getting irrational

Uh yeah, those things are totally avoidable - if both people know how to handle their triggers and regulate themselves >

These are also pretty standard signs that communication has totally broken down. At this point if you cant manage to restore some form of healthy communication, you either need to see a relationship counselor, or consider moving on.
Been there, gets toxic real fast. >

and gets old real fast >

That’s only unpopular among dysfunctional people. >

Bingo. >

My partner and I argue, but I don't think it ever needs to be heated. I'm usually the person who gets more emotionally charged, so I'll take a step back and calm down. Thank God I'm with somebody who allows me to do that >

Narcissist spotted. >

I'm with you. my parents still fight all the time. a few weeks ago I mildly snapped at my gf and she said "don't talk to me in that tone." I immediately felt bad and apologized, took it down a notch, continued to kindly address the issue at hand, and I haven't spoken to her like that again and I never want to. fighting is so unnecessary. I'm grateful she was able to call me out so simply. >

The therapist quote is absolute gold >

My therapist is a fucking godsend >

They sure are! Here’s my favorite similar quote:
When someone starts yelling, the conversation is over. >

Hold on to that belief strong, OP, and find yourself someone who shares it, because you're absolutely right, and people who agree with you are out there.
Everyone else is settling. You don't have to. >

My wife and I have been together now for over 20 years. In that time we have argued twice and those barely registered as arguments. Constant arguing and bickering may be normal due to how common it is but it's not a good sign in any relationship. Both of us have been married before and there are good reasons why those relationships failed, including constant bickering. >

Me and my boyfriend give each other grief over stupid shit; he’ll tease me about my ADHD and I’ll mock him when he loses at a video game, but it never comes from a place of malice and if something is serious or if there’s a legit problem, we talk it out. It’s SO easy to not fight >

Do you get how young and naive you sound? Nothing is as easy as you seem to think it is. Relationships are work and they all suck sometimes. 
Come back here once you’ve been in the real world more than a year… >

I knew every swear word by age 7 cause I heard my parents call each other then so often. My dad once put my siblings and I in a closet and told us not to come out cause there was a PARTICULARLY bad fight happening. I’ve seen my fair share of sucky relationships. I’m not interested >

There has never been a relationship without conflict. That doesn’t have to be screaming and yelling. There will be conflict. If you think otherwise then you are in for a hard life. >

I’m not saying that there will never be conflict. I’m saying that conflict should be resolved in a healthy manner >

So, you are not against fighting. You are against abuse. Those are two different things. People fight all the time. >

My definition of a fight is when you’re so unwilling to see the others point of view that you get irrationally angry. Couples bicker. Couples argue. Hell I love a good debate once in a while. But couples don’t fight. It’s unhealthy >


But couples don’t fight

They do if they actually have something worth defending, but the stakes just aren't anywhere near that high for you yet. >

Ok. If the stakes are THAT high, then get a professional involved. Couples therapy is always an option >

I've been with my partner for 7 years now. Never had anything i'd consider a fight. Barely anything i'd call a disagreement.
It has always bugged me that yelling/constant arguing/grudges/jealous/broody behavior are seen as normal. We have been asked many times if we ever fight. Some people think it's a bad sign that we don't!
My parents fought. Relatives fought. Friends parents fought. My grandmother told me she once ignored my grandfather's existence for almost 2 weeks until she thought he had sufficiently apologized for upsetting her. People laugh about that...
If an issue comes up we just discuss it like grown adults 🤯 If someone is feeling a certain way? We talk about. One of us acting off? We ask the other about it and talk about it if needed. Sometimes all you need is to be heard. If something more is needed, we try to solve it. Crazy. 
Communication is key and that's something we discussed early on. Don't let things fester. That bad thing/feeling isn't going to go away just because you ignore it. I think a lot of fighting comes out of repressed feelings that people thought would get better, and instead that nerve has been continually poked until they explode. Then, they can't let it go. Those feelings are now ingrained in their thinking and relationship.
Even the few disagreements we've had were usually from misunderstanding what the other was trying to say. Further explanation solved the issue.
Don't stay with people you can't stand. >

You get triggered by a childhood trauma. My M.D. and I had a conversation about this and she told me this does affect your psyche to the extend of a psychological wound that may never heal into adulthood despite therapy. Mine resulted in depression and anxiety.
You develop coping mechanisms and watch for triggers. Parents don't realize the long lasting affects to children and it's abuse. >

How are you doing now? 😃 >

I'm doing well, thank you. >

I’ve been with my partner for almost three years and I can count on one hand the amount of arguments we have had. Not a single one of them turned into screaming matches. We sat down  and worked things out like adults. We started dating in highschool and we are both in college now, but age has nothing to do with respect. A lot of people don’t respect their partners or see them as equal and that trickles down to every aspect of their relationship. >

It's weird,  why would anyone want to date someone they fight with. I've been with my partner 5 years and we've never had a fight >

My parents were married for ten, had 3 kids, and now all of those kids have issues. It’s insane they stayed together as long as they did >

I agree with you. Screaming and yelling is not necessary for a healthy relationship. Maybe… MAYBE as a one off every 5-10 years as the result of extreme circumstances, but certainly not a regular occurrence. >

Certain personality disorders make it impossible to have a mature discussion. >

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Please give your votes to the original comment, found here.
With enough reports, the reddit algorithm will suspend this scammer. 
^(Karma farming? Scammer??  Read the pins on my profile for more information.) >

OP, I am glad you're doing better in life. >

Thank you. That means a lot to me 🥰 >

FFS THANK YOUUUUUU. I've heard people who'd call their sig other every name in the book justify it with this shit. Adults don't scream when someone forgot to close a window or something, and if you, or your partner act like this to each other, either run away, grow up, or both, depending. >

Don't really think that's an unpopular opinion. Actual fighting is not healthy and few people condone it.
Yes lots of people DO it, but you don't see many people saying "Yes, screaming at my s.o. is super healthy". >

I don’t see anyone saying it’s healthy, but I see a SHIT ton of people say it’s normal >

Normal and healthy is not the same thing and not to be confused.
Drinking alcohol and eating candy is normal. It's not healthy. >

Completely agree... My wife and I have never had a fight. We discuss things rationally like adults. Children fight. >

I don't get it either.   I'm not going to be with someone if we fight. 
I also don't understand fighting.  
Disagree?   Sure.  Argue?   Yes.   But talk it out like adults. >

Omg. I grew up this way too. Three horrible relationships later, I was 32 and had no idea that screaming and name calling wasn’t normal.
My husband and I have been together 6 years and we’ve never called each other a name, yelled, or even really argued. We have disagreements and talk about stuff but he’s never shown me any animosity or contempt. Never even raised his voice at me. Ever.
My mother, who also grew up like us, OP, she was married to my shitty father for 30 years. Her first plane ride was this Christmas to my house for some holiday fun and relaxation. She was here for a month.
She doesn’t think she’s a domestic violence victim because my father wasn’t “that bad.” She also wouldn’t believe me when I told her that my husband and I don’t argue or act that way. She so fervently didn’t believe me that she said as much, in front of my husband. “Oh please, you’re a MAN. I know how you are.” He was upset for the remainder of her time here because she just couldn’t believe he’d never called me stupid or pushed me.
I had to have a very frank and curt discussion with her, she reverted to acting like a child being scolded. It was super frustrating.
I too have been in therapy for 15 years now, and I will not tolerate that behavior. Period. I’ve kicked people out for yelling, I’ve left events because people were being shitty to each other and fighting. I don’t understand how people can make everyone else uncomfortable because they can’t control their emotions. I don’t get it and I refuse to understand it and I will never let it be around me again. >

That’s awesome that you changed and don’t tolerate that. You deserve all the happiness life has to offer 😃 >


I refuse to believe that fighting is an unavoidable aspect of relationships that we just need to deal with

Good thing it's not then. >

We manage fine, been together 7 years, had 4 arguments in all but never raised our voices, never insulted each other, never said anything harmful. It's not easy sometimes but it's doable >

I’ve been with my bf for 4 years, we lived together and we never ever yelled at each other. So I agree with u OP. Most things can be resolved with reason and respect (I also recommend taking a breather) >

My girlfriend and I have never fought. Not once. She's so incredibly chill and easy going, I don't think she's ever argued with anyone. >

Fighting? No. Arguing? Yes >

I mean, it can be avoided, but you need two people that regularly communicate and are open to compromise, which doesn't always happen. >

Fighting and being toxic and arguing everyday at each other’s throats is not normal. Conflicts and disagreements absolutely are. You’ll never see eye to eye on everything with your partner that’s what makes y’all individuals in the end, but not allowing your disagreements and conflicts to bubble into fights is the way to go. 
Your views on this is fantastic! >

There's a lot to unpack here, but I don't think this is unpopular OP. I think when people discuss conflict in relationships, they are talking about arguments or disagreements, not yelling or escalation. Many people have conflict arise in their relationship, most do, but screaming matches aren't what people talk about as normal >

I’ve been with my wife 12 years and neither of us has ever raised a voice or even argued emotionally. Not once. Every issue is just a calm discussion. 
There was a thread on this very topic a while ago. Half the people or so had my experience. The other half said “it’s literally impossible not to fight sometimes those people are lying”. I think that tells you everything you need to know about whether this is true in general or true or some people. >

Not unpopular.  When (most) people say "oh it’s normal! Every couple fights" they actually do mean the "disagreements or even small arguments". Others don't realize the severity of your fights. >

In the near six years I've been with my wife she's never shouted at me once. >

I always took the "oh it's normal..." as just something people tell you to make you feel better. Who defines what "normal" is anyway. >

I actually agree. Married 10 years, and we have never argued or raised our voices. We discuss things if they need discussing and that's it. If we were arguing every week, I'd consider the marriage unsuccessful, and it's not a household I'd want my children to be in. It's weird to me that people think it's okay. >

A few small fights, which I’d just call arguments or frustrations with your partner here and there are totally normal and a “blow off valve” for any relationship. Zero fighting inevitably means someone is bottling shit up. 
That being said… fighting in public, yelling at each other at the top of your lungs, anything physically violent — is not good news. >

Lmao, no you do not even to have "small fights". If no one eVeR fights, it could mean someone's bottling shit, or it could also mean they actually are adults who just communicate and talk about shit. >

Communication can be "respectful arguing". I'd be weary of a couple that never has arguments. Artificial harmony is poison to relationships. >

That's not the same thing as fighting. >

Fighting is avoidable. Communication without holding on to emotions can really clear a lot of shit up. Conflict resolution is rarely helped with explosive outbursts. 
You’re also young with anger issues soooo yeah might wanna work on that lol. >

I have been. For years. I’ve made a lot of progress but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have more work to do. But it’s enough where I can have a loving relationship >

What is up with this topic being posted here constantly lately? Also you're 19, when shit gets real you'll learn that while abuse and yelling and screaming all the time is wrong, couples will SOMETIMES have CONFLICTS.
The problem with your post is that no one says fighting and screaming is normal. You're complaining about something everyone agrees with in general.
If someone raises their voice ONCE or TWICE out of extreme frustration, anger, emotions, external factors, etc - also not the end of the world. Also raising your voice is not yelling.
Couples in healthy relationships argue and disagree. Arguing isn't fighting and screaming and throwing things. 
Can we move on? >

Certain personality disorders make it impossible to have a mature discussion. Most notably cluster B and avoidant personality disorders. >

If you can’t have a mature conversation, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship. It’s not fair to either party involved >

I agree. Without having had an example of a healthy relationship and being neurodivergent it has turned out quite hard for me to recognize, let alone accept the other party is unable to have a mature conversation.
Anyone have experience with that? >

I'm ND, so is my husband. It's possible to have a healthy relationship, even with mental health struggles. But it requires work, and it's far from easy. >

Thanks for sharing.
Can share something about your challenges and how you deal with them? >

Really it's communication. We have an extra struggle because we had been together for about 7 years and started having problems, then he got diagnosed. I was diagnosed a few weeks ago. So for a large chunk of time, we haven't fully been aware of our individual issues. 
We both just have different triggers and needs from past trauma, being ND and just how we have to deal with the world. Having that on one side is difficult enough, but it's both of us now and it absolutely requires personal work every day and effort to keep eachother on the same page and communicating. >

Have an upvote! This might be one of the dumbest opinions I’ve ever read! >

Have a Xanax! You’re gonna need it if you think angry fighting is natural in a relationship! >

Oh! You actually meant fighting fighting? That’s not an unpopular opinion in the least. Lol k dude >

Fully agree. Learn to communicate properly and arguments have no purpose at all. >

You don't have to stay in a relationship for any reason, but if a single fight is enough to turn you off a person then it's probably better for everyone involved for you to just enjoy your solitude. >

For you >

Please explain how it’s normal for anyone to scream so loud that their children hide under the bed. >

It's normal, not sure how many times I stayed in my room for hours playing on my GameCube to drown out my parents constant shouting and fighting. >

It SHOULDNT be normal. I was the same way and it fucked me up as a kid. Badly >

You’re 19, toxic fighting is all you know. It is most certainly %100 avoidable. Been there man, been working on my anger management since I was your age and I’m 25 now. I found zen, I still have moments where I get shaken up. But every year of working on it is another year with less and less fighting. Try to be stoic about things, I recommend looking into stoicism. And if you can afford it, see a professional that can help you navigate your feelings. >

Fighting and being toxic yes. But if you never have a disagreement ever then youre both spineless or someone is just getting fuckin ran over. Relationships are finding the best person to compliment you and make you a better person and push you along with loving you. That will come with not every day sunshine and rainbows. I think we know I dont mean berating someone or putting them down but not everyone is gonna read your mind and do everything exactly the way you would have because they arent you and that should be their best quality honestly. That will come with some disagreeing and compromise and being adult enough to work things out. >

not constant fighting but the longer you live with someone the more you may get annoyed with  them somedays or be in a bad mood and they make it worse 
cause humans aren't perfect.
avoiding conflict and fighting ruins the relationship, 
and fighting doesn't means screaming 24/7 when people say fighting is normal they mean disagreements and debate, and sometimes being annoyed at eachother. 
which is normal. >

I don't understand why this is upvoted. No offense, but this just is a very popular and normal opinion. >

You’re 19. You don’t know a fucking thing about anything. Have a few kids, get some debt and a shitty job and then see how you fare. >

Just because I’m not geriatric and bitter doesn’t mean I don’t know anything. I had to grow up FAST for the sake of myself and my siblings. Respectfully, fuck you >

The infantilizing of 17+ teenagers is annoyingly prevalent and pitiful. I remember being 19 and also told similar stuff on the internet, it's super invalidating. It's also super childish to discredit you or anyone else based on solely age, instead of considering the content of your message, it definitely doesn't come off as the commenter above is very mature. 
Your last 3 words were eloquently well-deserved >

A big part of the problem is that modern, "no wave" feminism encourages women to be abusive toward men they are in relationships with, hence yelling, screaming and berating a man and even physical violence is all seen as a good thing if women do it. 
If she screams at him, humiliates him, or strikes him, she's considered a "queen" or a "girl boss" for "smashing the patriarchy." >

As a feminist myself, I have never seen anyone try to condone or encourage abuse towards men. I’ve seen people encourage women to stand up to abusive men. Abuse towards anyone is not tolerated >

Lol! 
Okay, what if a white nationalist said "as a member of the KKK myself, I've never seen anyone try to condone or encourage violence toward black people."
It's kinda baked into the ideology. Don't believe me? What's the most popular feminist Twitter hashtag? Oh, that's right: #KillAllMen >

Okay, have you ever seen someone see the hashtag “kill all men,” and then go ACTUALLY do just cause? No. Didn’t think so. >

Misandry and feminism are not the same thing >

And neither are racism and the KKK >

You think fighting is unhealthy for a relationship? Try repression for a while and let me know how that goes. >

I did. For YEARS I would repress my emotions until I eventually snapped. And you know what happened? No one wanted to be around me cause I was angry and volatile. It sucked. But I got therapy and learned how to deal with my emotions in a healthy way. You know, like an adult. >

Sounds like you're still repressing shit. >

Maybe I am. Maybe my parents divorce will always affect me in ways I can’t control. But I’ve learned how to cope. I’ve learned how to not let it affect the people around me. I’ve learned how to regulate those emotions in a healthy way. Anger from repressing emotions is no excuse for fighting with your partner. If you can’t cope with it, you’re not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship. Simple as that >

You're just bottling them up again. Here's the thing... if you suck at repressing emotions, you'll be volatile. If you're good at repressing them, you'll drive yourself to a mental breakdown sooner or later. 
I can see you're upset about your parent's divorce. But it's polluting your views on healthy social interaction. You should be comfortable being honest with your partner, and if they're also comfortable you'll sometime reach disagreement about passionate topics, and you'll sometimes argue with each other. >

But we don’t. I get angry, he gets angry. That’s part of life, but I don’t ignore my emotions and he doesn’t ignore his. I’m still working on communicating my exact emotions in a healthy way, but if I have a problem, I address it. And he does the same. I’m in therapy, and I’ve been making massive strides in it. Emotions are wild and unpredictable. It’s how we control and communicate them that leads to a healthy relationship >

So, you just openly disagree about something, get mad, and then drop discussion about it entirely without trying to argue your point? 
Sounds weird, but if your therapist says it's how you should proceed... >

OP doesn't mention dropping a discussion, they are just arguing that fights are unnecessary to come to a conclusion. You may also have a different definition of what a fight is from OP's. Your point seems to imply that banter and arguing do qualify as a fight, while OP may think that it is not. Correct me if I'm wrong here ofc. >

Possibly, there's a huge variance and I guess it's pretty subjective. I would consider a fight to be an argument where someone gets mad or is passionate enough to raise their voice. >

Passion has no rules. Thats the long and the short of it. >

'Sorry about punching you, but you disagreed about something i am passionate about so its your fault' type vibe. Sorry that you are like this bro, one day you will grow up >

Yeah, thats what I said. Its ok to punch people... Maybe one day, when you grow up, you'll be able to make an argument that doesn't require a load of shit to make it stick. >

And i quote 'passion has no rules'. Sadly you are a sad toxic person :/ >

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Who the heck said fighting is unavoidable? I’ve never heard that before but if people are saying that they’re delusional. Healthy relationships actually exist. >

I think it’s all in wording. People use “fight” pretty easily and it can be misinterpreted. I think most of the times they mean a disagreement. I have said “my husband and I don’t fight” and people are like “you guys aren’t being honest and expressing your feelings.” Im like…uhh no we do that when needed we just dont fight, fight to me means yelling and/or silent treatment. >

Exactly. I also say we never fight, because for me fighting is yelling and crusing the opponent (like really bad names and stuff, that we don't mean). Abeing an asshole and unfair to the other basically and scare them even. We never do that, we have arguments, where we discuss, well also being pissed, but in a productive way communicating. 
I hated my parents screaming at each other and at us. >

Yup, my mom screamed her head off at me constantly. All it did was make me tune her out and create anxiety. I can’t stand yelling now. >

And you'd be right. The only people who start shouting matches with their partner are either abusers or emotionally immature man/woman-children. It's 100% possible to have a relationship where you both act your age and are able to have respectful disagreements and arguments.
If my partner were to start raising her voice and getting emotional during an argument, the relationship would be instantly over. I'd wish her luck on her way to therapy and hope that she sets straight whatever issues have been bugging her. >

Fighting is unavoidable. Maybe not as frequent as your family, but, fighting is unavoidable. No matter how much you try to resolve and talk it out, Murphy's Law will creeping around the corner. Something can happen will happen, just a matter of time. And fighting can happen.
The time that really didn't happen to me? The guy who ghosted. We didn't fight. I have no idea what went wrong. He just stopped responding. If you are so fixated to avoid fighting, you will just do this to any relationship where you cannot avoid the fight. >

Refuse it all you like, doesn’t make it any less true just means you’re naive >

No it means I’m emotionally mature. I’m not perfect, but I get by >

Typical 19 year old answer.
You have a lot to learn.
Your relationship needs to work for you.  But what works for tou doesn't necessarily work for someone else. >

Lol both of you 'fighters' need therapy. There's no need to fight in an adult relationship, and if you really think there is, I'm sorry to tell you, but you've been actually brainwashed by the same drivel OP saved themselves from. >

The issue is you have no idea what you are talking about.  This is about conflict and the resolution.   The rest is semantics that we debate all day long with no agreement. >

Conflict is absolutely and unequivocally NOT "fighting". Please learn the difference. >

Whatever you say.  I bow down to your superior intellect all wise Master.   Please enlighten me further on the ways if the world.  Please share you definition of things so that others may aspire to reach the goals you have so graciously put forth.
Fighting is normal in healthy relationships.
But there is a lot of nuance in that.  You should not resort to name calling or make threats.  You should not be fighting every day for example.
No fighting means someone is probably avoiding something. >

Agreed, if people can’t help but scream at each other then there’s a problem on both sides of the relationship. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years and of course we’ve had disagreements, but we talk about it instead of shouting. I think most people need to grow up and control themselves >

Oh I agree. Conflict and difference in opinion is absolutely unavoidable, but if you can’t talk it out with your partner, even taking time to cool off and think about things, then that’s a toxic relationship. 
I think there’s some people who are attracted to this toxicity and on some level enjoy the drama of it. There’s people who equal stable relationship with boring. They think love should be about adrenaline and highs. Truth is, after the initial infatuation there won’t be crazy highs, so you need to fabricate them with fights and shouting matches. It’s immaturity. Also the constant portrayal in media of bickering fighting couples normalise it all, but one doesn’t realise that stable couples don’t make good tv. >

The same people who think Ross Geller and Rachel Green were a healthy couple >

i completely agree. my parents were similar, except they never split. but there was restraining orders, chairs & plates thrown, repeatedly being kicked out, etc etc. Their fights were nuclear. in my first serious relationship I got to the point of yelling at my partner one (1) time before i decided I would never allow someone i loved to make me feel that way again. my next serious relationship- never once did we raise our voices at each other or throw things or do any name calling. we split for other reasons, but it did prove to me that screaming at each other is just about the worst method of conflict resolution and only does more damage to the relationship. >

I wish my partner felt this way 😔 >

Leave them. It will spare you a lot of pain in the long run >

Healthy conflict is definitely possible and an essential element of a happy relationship. Nobody agrees on everything all the time and the key is first being open to addressing it (instead of thinking that never arguing is good!) and then working through those situations with respect and love, not screaming and fighting. A person shows their true character when they argue. >

Thankfully, I think this opinion is slowly starting to become the dominant opinion. But there's a lot of people trapped in deeply unhappy relationships who normalize screaming and fighting, sometimes going back to how they were raised. If that's what they saw, that's what's normal to them. 
What's even more toxic are the people who basically romanticize those kinds of relationships and think that they show "passion." They sometimes get "bored" in relationships where there's no fighting because they're used to the emotional Rollercoaster, the highs and lows of screaming matches, and icy silence. I feel sorry for them, because in some cases it's not really their fault, they literally don't know better.