I need to get rid of Black's light-square Bishop I've self-taught myself Chess, and played against computers (as in the board shaped ones) and I quite quickly found an opening that isn't strong, but it is not bad. I'm fairly new at this "Algebraic chess notation" so if I slip up and use something like the more verbose NB1-C3 please just go with it.

f2-f4 is bad. Immediately white is defending (because black WILL do Nf6, this is a great move for black as it protects h5 and g4, h5 is a good square for a certain queen.... (another long term thing I have found to be good for black is a7-a6, as this protects b5))

g2-g4 is another bad one, Black moves d7 and the light square bishop gets it. This does achieve my goal, if my goal is also to lose my queen.

My opening (all these are white's moves) goes as follows:


d2-d4
Bf4
e2-e3
c2-c3


Depending on what black does I may do any/all of:


Bd3
OR Bb5 - this is either a check or a knight lock (putting pressure on black to castle high-side, giving me a good chance to attack by getting my queen to H7, a checkmate) 
ND2 (this is a good defensive move and brings that knight into play on the high side, if I've played NF3 these two cover each other Ng5 covers that A7 square I want to get my queen into, thus would be a checkmate)


This - feels - like a good technique because it forces black to keep a lot of pieces on the high side (keeping that checkmate valid) 

The only problem is it doesn't really keep black's queen busy, which is why I move my dark-square bishop out of the way early, it doesn't stop me from castling if I can see something bad coming later. It's also not very useful, I find my dark-square-bishop just.. gets in the way really. Putting it there gives me the chance to sacrifice it to get rid of something annoying, it might also keep the queen off d6. Which is the only way she can attack my high-side with the pressure this puts on black's high-side (which keeps the H7 checkmate valid).

HOWEVER I am constantly foiled by Black's "useless" Bishop. The light square one that starts at C8, especially if it gets on the B1 to H7 diagonal, especially on the higher end of it. 

I need help finding a variation of this that can get rid of that irritating Bishop! This method "feels" good because it has that backup-night (if my high-side one is taken, the other knight is a move behind) 

Now some of you might thing this is too vague, but there is a surprisingly small number of "good moves" I think the description here should be adequate to give you an idea of what I am talking about.  If not I can expand it (give me a question to answer) but I've tried loads of plays and then gone back a few moves to try a different line! I don't know how to salvage this.

There's not much I can do with my light-bishop in this game other than try and get black to castle with it. Unfortunately it's pretty much stuck on the (rather empty) low-side. I cannot bring it back onto that diagonal (B1-H7) as bait for that Black-light-square-Bishop because I cannot protect it to trade with, I'd be giving up a piece and stalling the game by a move. 

I'm not quite sure what I hope for as an answer either, I found this a week ago (or so) and thought "it can't hurt to ask".
John : I need a new car.
  
  Joe : Ok, let's buy one!
  
  Mark : Wait. Why do you need a new car?
  
  John : Because the battery in my car is really bad and my car doesn't
  start quickly.
  
  Mark : Have you tried installing a new battery? 
  
  John : Gosh! Why didn't I think of that? 


It seems to me you are saying something similar to "I need a new car" when you say "I need to get rid of Black's light-square Bishop". 

That bishop is NOT necessarily your problem and if you think it is, then you still have a lot to learn. 

First of all, if you play d4 and the system you described (Bf4, e3, c3), you cannot always prevent the bishop from coming to the b1-h7 diagonal. If you forcefully try to always achieve this, you will definitely compromise your own position.  

It seems to me that the reason you find this bishop "irritating" is because you are limiting your plans to checkmating Black on h7. The bishop on the b1-h7 diagonal does foil these ideas. But maybe that should teach you that the "checkmate on h7" plan will not always work. So you should ask yourself, "What else can I do instead of checkmating on h7?" instead of asking how you can get rid of black's light squared bishop.