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Handling Disruptive Student on the Autism Spectrum
I have a student who's on the autistic spectrum. He exhibits several disruptive behaviors in class, such as

Inability to moderate his volume/interjections: he will shout out questions and comments irrespective of whether others are speaking (be it myself or other students).
Unintentionally mocking other students: when other students ask questions, he will sometimes say things like "you should know this stuff by now!"
Physically inappropriate behavior: he will lie down on the floor in front of his seat, or sneeze loudly. He will sit in the front row and at times pick up stuff from my table (e.g. my notes or my markers) and play with them.

I recognize that he cannot control most of these things, and that they're not done with ill intent. Thus, my inclination is to handle it in a more forgiving manner than I would a normal disruptive student, but this is not a straightforward solution. First, there are many other students who shouldn't suffer because of one disruptive student. Second, when I do make a harsher comment he often completely shuts down for the rest of the class, which makes me feel really guilty.
The undergraduate office is aware of the situation and has already received numerous complaints from other courses he attended. The problem is that their hands are mostly tied as he is not registered as a special needs student (I'm guessing his parents are refusing to do this for their own reasons), though he is officially diagnosed on the autistic spectrum. Other lecturers have basically been treating him increasingly harshly, or ignoring him.
I am wondering whether anyone here has any experience with these kinds of situations, and how did you approach it. I am more than happy to accommodate him, but would not want to compromise the course quality for everyone else.
Edit/Update:

I had a talk with the student and things are much better. He’s been a positive force in the class since (albeit a slightly loud one). Thank you for the suggestions!
I tried to strike a positive tone rather than a disciplinary one. He told me his parents will kick him out of the house if I contact them so that’s definitely not happening.
The undergraduate office was sympathetic but is limited in what they can do.

Comments are not for extended discussion; this conversation has been moved to chat.

Does the special needs office require that the parents be involved in registering him as a special needs student, or could he choose to do so himself were you to recommend it?

In my institution it’s not required that parents are involved, but I’m in an institution where it’s perfectly acceptable to contact parents.

Can you please add a country tag? In the US there are a number of laws that can impact this.

@Elin I’d rather not for the sake of anonymity

Well in the US at the College level parents are not allowed to be involved in any of this.

Thanks Elin. It is hard to decipher whether there is any risk to exposure or parents being contacted. I am struggling to figure out what usually happens there. But I found this article very helpful. Clarified some of the processes and expectations which might be helpful - http://accessiblecollege.com/2019/07/31/requesting-accommodations-in-college/

Well done Spark. I am having a difficult issue with a colleague with newly diagnosed ADHD, complicated...

Really glad this has worked out well!

Thank you for this question and the update. For future people in similar situations, are you able to describe the bits of the talk with the student that you think had the greatest impact?

I came prepared with a list of specific behaviors I wanted to change. We agreed on specific outlets I was willing to accommodate and what I wasn’t willing to. Boundaries and outlets, basically.

"they're not done with ill intent"

Although disruptive behaviours by people with autism/autistic people are not done with ill intent, they do usually respond well to clear boundaries and feedback. A useful concept to consider here is Theory of Mind (ToM), something that is almost always impaired in this group.

Individuals with autism are impaired in ToM; the ability to understand mental states such as thoughts, intentions and beliefs that influence human behavior. ToM is about the mind and how it is needed for all human interactions, such as understanding, explaining, predicting, and manipulating the behavior of others (Adibsereshki et al., 2015)

As the result, firm communication about the impact on others is worthwhile, "I am not sure whether you are aware that I (or X) was speaking, I would like to finish my point please". You should offer explicit, clear boundaries around disruptive behaviours, so consider emailing the appropriate policies and refer to the code of conduct and describe clear behaviours that will result in an escalation process. Avoid irony and sarcasm as concrete and literal thinking is common; ironic/sarcastic negativity may be misinterpreted causing damage to the relationship. Consider asking whether he would like to contact anyone else when you email, which may be a good way to get his parents involved if they are preventing support.
Having said that, praising seems to be effective with people with autism. Praising has been shown to decrease disruptive behaviour in a study of 73 self-contained autism support classrooms (Piotrowski et al). Try to squeeze in as much positive reinforcement on non-disruptive behavior as you can, without being too awkward. Piotroski's study (unpublished) found the minimal increase from 1.3 to 1.7 praises (on average) produced a significant change in disruptive behaviour (p<0.01).
Gelbar, Smith & Reichow (2014) did a systematic review of college support for students with autism. They found 20 articles that had first-hand description of services or experiences of the individuals. "Non-academic" interventions were found in 45%, 9 out of 20 studies examined -

Peer mentorship programs (5 of 9, 56 %)
Assigned  counselors,  aides,  or  liaisons  (5  of  9,  56 %)
Parental involvement (3 of 9, 33 %)
Single instances using  Social  Stories, disability teams, support groups, video modeling and cognitive behavioral interventions were also described.

A study from Belgium which examined over 23 student by Van Hees, Moyson & Roeyers (2015) recommended "more extensive and effective coaching of students with ASD". That the usual "academic" support structures are not sufficient for ASD students, so if coaching is available at your institution, it may be worth making sure that your student and any decision-makers are aware of that useful option.
References:
Adibsereshki, N., Nesayan, A., Asadi Gandomani, R., & Karimlou, M. (2015). The Effectiveness of Theory of Mind Training On the Social Skills of Children with High Functioning Autism Spectrum Disorders. Iranian Journal of Child Neurology, 9(3), 40–49.
Gelbar, N. W., Smith, I., & Reichow, B. (2014). Systematic Review of Articles Describing Experience and Supports of Individuals with Autism Enrolled in College and University Programs. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 44(10), 2593–2601.
Piotrowski, Z., Erhart, A., Cidav, Z., Reisinger, E., Locke, J., Downey, M., & Mandell, D. S. (n.d.). The Effects of Increasing Teachers’ Praise-to-Behavior Correction Ratios on Disruptive Behaviors Among Students with Autism. Conference poster.
Van Hees, V., Moyson, T., & Roeyers, H. (2015). Higher Education Experiences of Students with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Challenges, Benefits and Support Needs. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 45(6), 1673–1688.

Oh wow that’s an excellent overview, thanks!

There was a really good article about treatment options about aggression but I did not want to mention it as it may be misinterpreted, as the rates of aggression is not higher for people with autism. Reinforcement strategies would be a useful concept but it may be too "behaviorally harsh". (Fitzpatrick et al 2016) - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4922773/

That's an excellent answer. Strongly considering deleting my own.

Please don't xLeitix. The issue about decision-making and guardianship is an important discussion. I did not raise in my comments as you covered the complex issue of consent and power quite well. Also in America, the student may require their parents to pay for their college, the parent's internalised shame or ableism might be a significant issue at play here.

"Sorry I was speaking when you interrupted" sounds ironic if it means "I'm sorry that I was speaking when you interrupted". Will the student get the irony? Or did you mean "Sorry, but I was speaking when you interrupted"?

Good point Pablo. There is a therapeutic approach to this but I am struggling to find it. Something about the way to communicate the impact on another person and the impact it has on the other person. It bridges that gap of "blindmindness" that makes it hard for autistic people to understand the impact on others. Usually when they "get" the impact, the behavior stops or at least reduces.

I added a part about sarcasm with some useful websites. A bit clunky but hopefully helpful... Thanks Pablo

The list of interventions you mention are not intended to avoid/reduce behavior disruptive to others, but rather, it seems, improve the scholastic performance of the student - related but different problems.

Yes @einpoklum. It was a bit of a self indulgent summary. I am happy to reformat or delete it if it is too off-topic... I guess I was a bit frustrated that the interventions seems superficial but in disability that tends to be the case. I guess I also wanted to show how the usual approaches wouldn't work in Spark's case. And that he would likely need to be more involved rather than step back and let student support do their thing (if they are permitted to later on).

@Poidah: I would consider removing the list, and just making the point you want to make explicitly.

@Poidah I ended up deleting my answer. Stack Exchange has a tendency that easy early answers like my own float to the top, and I truly believe that yours covers the topic much better than mine did.

@einpoklum. Omg. I missed the next paragraph of Geblar's review of "non-academic" interventions, which I thought was not related to the college experience for some reason. But on re-reading it again, it is highly relevant as it describe useful social interventions that would help in Spark's situation. I wished it was labelled "social" rather than "non-academic". Sorry about that error. Thanks for pushing the point though. Much appreciated.

I glanced at the Gelbar article and it was not immediately clear to me that the 20 articles constituted 20 schools. I did notice they said there were some of the same participants in different articles (so they corrected for that).

I did not appreciate that there were 3 authors who have published separate articles, so the 20 may not be 20 separate institutions but likely 17. However, it would be likely that the students studied would be different even though the policies and support would be the same. I have tidied up the Gelbar paragraph. Thanks @A Simple Algorithm

@xLeitix now that this has floated to the top, you can undelete yours

Another great discussion about teacher interaction that may be another reason. Sorry it is a Patreon site... https://www.patreon.com/posts/30282194

You may need to be more direct. "I am not sure whether you are aware that I (or X) was speaking, I would like to finish my point please." Response: "I was aware, and I wanted to speak.". "Don't interrupt me". "Ok, I don't interrupt you". What sounds rude to you is précise and easy to understand for someone with autism.

Perhaps the key part of your question is that he student is not registered as a special needs student.  Check your faculty handbook, student code of conduct, etc. to see what remedies are available for disruptive behavior in class.  I've read your remark that "he cannot control most of these things," but he's impinging on the rights of the other students to get the most out of classes.  At the institutions where I've taught, there were provisions for removing disruptive students from a class.
While that may seem very harsh, perhaps it will get the attention of the student's parents and maybe even begin to get the student the help he needs.  At a minimum, it will remove a source of disruption from your classroom.

Disciplinary action is very likely to end poorly.  Navigating a disciplinary process is very difficult for a person with autism and stressful for any student.  Disciplinary systems are rarely set up to deal with the needs of people with disabilities.  Additional stress tends to make dealing with difficulties resulting from autism and could result in greater rather then less disruption. In addition A solution that privileges the rights of the abled over that of the disabled has access to education implications, it goes against the responsibilities of the institution and in some places the law.

@QthePlatypus Would this apply to a person not officially registered as such? The OP stated that the student has not been identified as a special needs student, and thus I would imagine that there are no exemptions to university policy in effect for them. It sounds as if the student and/or their parents are trying to 'have their cake and eat it too' by requesting special treatment without following procedure. Perhaps initiating administrative action would be enough to cause the student to become forcibly identified as special needs in order to prevent the action from coming to fruition..

@QthePlatypus From your position, anyone can act out and claim immunity from response.  1. Unless OP has qualifications not stated, no one at the university has diagnosed this student as disabled, nor has the student asserted that status.  2. A solution that impinges upon the rights of many to tolerate the bad behavior of one goes against the responsibilities of the institution.  3.  Removing the disruptive student may increase the student's distress, but it will make the classroom once again a peaceful place in which teaching and learning can happen.

I don't believe that the "unintentional" outbursts of such a student are inevitable and uncontrollable. An autistic student isn't a deterministic mechanism, just as no other student is. Such a student can learn to behave appropriately. The problem is that for some (at least) such people, they just don't recognize the societal signals that others find natural.
But anyone can learn. And, like any sort of learning they may need to be taught. They may also need to be given non disruptive ways to meet their own needs. You can be part of that, though it would be your choice to do so. I'd hesitate to suggest that it is a requirement, since you already have so many requirements to the other students.
But I've had success with other sorts of "odd" student behavior by "adopting" the student as special project. If you hold regular office hours they may not be well attended. In that case you can invite, or even require, them to come to you frequently. I once had a couple of students who were basically camped in my office for a semester and it changed their learning behavior. In this case the problem wasn't disruption of others but just detachment and a seeming inability to learn.
Out of class you can, gently if possible, let the student know that their actions are not acceptable and need to be redirected in a better direction. You can let them know that you will call them out in class for outbursts. ("John. Stop!". "John. Apologize".) They can learn only if they can be made (a) to recognize the issue, and (b) to redirect/sublimate their "natural" reactions.
Ignoring the outbursts won't help. Getting angry won't help. But you can try to make the inevitable as non-disruptive as possible.
One trick that I would try in this situation is to give the student a few index cards on which they can write questions, etc. during class. Convince them that if they write the questions and comments, rather than shouting them, that you will deal with them (office hours, hallway...). If they shout out a question, just hold up a blank card as a signal to them to write. Make the signal obvious, since they aren't processing the normal subtle signals, due to their condition. They are, for example, unlikely to recognize your frown.
Of course, I can't guarantee success, and different people will react differently. In fact, if you make a "pet" of the student the other students may resent it (as happened in the case I described).
But you need to understand that there are many successful academics on the autistic spectrum. Through various means they have learned to act in a way that others don't find issue with. But for some of them, at least, it means specifically learning to play a role as a "normal" person. One, in my experience, learned this by joining a theatre group.
Perhaps not a real solution here, but, I hope, a different way to think about the issues. Good luck.

Having them “camp” in your office is admirable, but if you have many teaching hours a week that won’t be a useful solution.

@SolarMike, it was only during posted office hours. It doesn't work, of course, if those hours are normally filled with lots of students.

My experience with autistic students and colleagues is that if they are aware that they are on the spectrum, they generally appreciate having straightforward feedback given to them -- it's difficult for them to understand nuance or "suggestions" and being given clear rules about things not to do actually helps them quite a lot.
Do you have a way to schedule an after-class one-on-one conference with the student so that you can discuss the situation directly and lay out some specific rules?
Some of the behaviors (such as loud sneezing and the like) will be very difficult for the student to curtail, but interjections can be responded to with a direct statement such as "Please wait your turn," and for physical stimming behavior it is certainly okay to ask them to find a different behavior such as using a fidget toy, or to go outside to take a break if they're simply feeling overwhelmed. It will probably never be possible to prevent the behavior, but there are absolutely approaches that can reduce their impact on others.

Thanks fluffy. Great point. Do you have any advice on how to handle that feeling of being "rude" because you are direct? Not sure whether softening statements after the directness (for the benefit of everyone else would add confusion?) - https://medium.com/@AshleaMcKay/7-things-the-autistic-person-in-your-workplace-needs-from-you-d99d351b543f

@Poidah Unfortunately, that part I haven't figured out yet.

What about arranging a visual signal like Buffy suggested that the student in question would recognize (because OP of course would talk with them about it beforehand), but that the rest of the class wouldn't notice.  Or perhaps better yet, simply make it a signal that OP gives to the entire class (when I hold up a "red" card to you, it means write down your question and I'll talk to you about it later) and that way the student isn't singled out and the rest of the class doesn't think OP is being rude.  Appearing to be rude could create a toxic environment in the classroom.

Of course it probably shouldn't be a red card because of color-blindness; maybe a card with some clear pattern on it?

I would think that holding up a card requires the student to always be looking for the card, which is not a good assumption and probably would cause a lot more stress on the student.

I would like to comment an aspect of the question which is not directly addressed by other answers.

Physically inappropriate behavior: he will lie down on the floor in front of his seat [...].

Perhaps I should mention that he laid down on the floor in front of his seat in a nearly fetal position after I made a comment. His head was on someone's shoes.

Remembering back when I was in elementary school, I used to have this behavior, but locations being also outside of the class room. Whenever I was stressed or frustrated I would just lay myself on the ground and simply do nothing. While being in that state I would also not answer to anyone, not even to my best friends. You could drag me around and there would be still no reaction from me. I could still clearly listen and see what is going around me, I just had extreme difficulties on communicating and moving. Any Actions I wanted to take was basically blocked at brain level. For the next few hours I would not move until someone took care of me.
However I can't tell if this fully applies as well to your student, mostly because he is older now than I was.
What followed on is hard to remember, but I will give it a try.

One time it took so long until the school ended, so someone came by and told me about the school ending. At that time, there was almost no one walking around. I had no other choice than to stand up and go.

The other time I guess my teachers dragged me to the next best free room, and left me alone with pencil and paper on a table. I did not start writing right away, but after half an hour there was text on the paper. So that way they could at least find out what was wrong with me.

So yes, I'm on the autism spectrum, but thanks to psychologists I act pretty normal today. I can only share these memories but I can not simulate my old behavior and tell how I would react to X.
Throughout the school time I had what we call here in Germany a "Sozialpädagoge" (translates to "social worker") which would sit in the class in the background capturing situations between the person with autism and the rest of the class. Sometimes we played board or card games together with my best friend. The social worker would later discuss these situations with the person with autism in special lessons or even at home. This helped me to better understand people and make appropriate decisions. However, this might require support from the parents as they have to apply for such help.

He told me his parents will kick him out of the house if I contact them so that’s definitely not happening.

This is unfortunate, but I hope this Information above is still helpful.

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Must I list my committee members as co-authors on a manuscript after being dismissed from grad school?
I was a graduate student at a university in the US about two years ago and I was working on a thesis. I was an international student and my advisory committee thought that my writing skills were extremely poor and I was asked to quit the program (though I didn't agree with their decision). I had done some literature review during the program and I recently decided to submit that as a review paper in a fairly decent journal. I just got the decision from the editor saying that the paper could be accepted with minor revision.
Now, I would like your opinion on whether I should contact my advisory committee to see if they would be willing to be the co-authors on the paper. Since I worked on this manuscript while I was a graduate student at that university and did get some help with the corrections on my writing (especially grammar -- I did not use any data from any of my supervisors), do you think I must include them as co-authors on the paper? Do I need to include my previous university as my affiliation? Should I contact them and offer them co-authorship? What do I do if they decline or do not respond?
Since I spent a good amount of time and worked really hard on this manuscript, I would like to get it published. I would really appreciate your opinion on what I should be doing at this point to avoid any infraction of others' intellectual property.

Did the committee members do anything to help with the production of the paper?

Your English writing skills seem OK to me...

Unless they made scientific contributions, do not list them as co-authors. Proofreading and grammar help is cause for an acknowledgment, not co-authorship. If they contributed scientifically, then you have an ethical obligation to list them. If it is a borderline case, I would err on the side of not including them, given that they basically fired you.
You do need to list that institution as your affiliation. Even though you are no longer there, they funded you while you did this research (presumably) and deserve to have the attribution. Further, your contract may require this.
Edit: there was a (now-deleted) follow-up question about whether it's necessary to seek permission to acknowledge someone. My gut feeling is no, but check out: Is it necessary to ask permission before including someone in the acknowledgements of a research paper?

Permission to acknowledge is required in some journals.

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Former advisor committed financial misconduct. How to apply to PhD programs
After three years in the workforce, I am planning on returning to school to get my PhD. I currently have a master's degree. Recently, however, there has arisen a complication: my thesis advisor for my master's degree was just discovered to have been embezzling from grant money (double dipping using a fake employee) that was shared between him and two other professors (one at his own institution, one at another institution). His fraud occurred after I was gone from the university.
Because he was caught embezzling grant money, the entire grant was revoked and the other two professors lost their portions of the money. This represents at least two more years of planned funding that they have now lost through no fault of their own. The professor at the other university (call it University X) was one of my strongest choices for potential advisors if I was accepted to the program at U of X. She likely would recognize my name if I applied to the program at U of X. Because I do not know how she would react to an application from a former student of the professor that just caused her to lose a large grant, I am now hesitant to apply to U of X.
Even if I decide not to apply to U of X, I worry that admissions committees will see my former advisor's name and will black list me. My advisor was at least somewhat well known in the field (22 years of work in the field) and the number of people that are aware of him may be somewhat large.
I would just avoid mentioning my advisor's name if it was not for the fact that I published two papers with him. If I want to entirely cleanse my application of my advisor, I will also have to avoid any mention of these two publications. Not being able to include these publications in my application would obviously weaken my application. My advisor has a rather unique name (not just John Jones or something) and anyone who knows of the situation would immediately be able to connect him to what happened.
Will I still be able to get into PhD programs? Should I attempt to address my advisor's actions in my application? If so, how should I go about doing so?

Omitting your advisor's name from your application would be conspicuous and look very strange - a committee would likely either try to find out who your advisor was, or else just reject your application if they don't want to take the trouble.  Omitting papers from your CV is borderline fraud in itself.  I don't think that trying to scrub your record is a good idea.

I would just apply to U of X. If the professor there does have a judge against your advisors' students, the worst she could possibly do is not take you on. But if I was in her position my default assumption would be that as a masters student you were unlikely to be involved in the misconduct, and I would be aware that his students are in a rather difficult position now. So I would go out of my way to make sure your application is assessed on its merits and not on your association with your former advisor.

From what I can deduce, your advisor was involved in financial misconduct, not academic misconduct such as plagarism or using falsified data. This means that the actual integrity of your research has not been compromised (from what I can tell). If this is the case, the papers you have written still stand and offer valid insight into your abilities as a researcher.
Applying to Univeristy of X
Personally, I would just avoid applying to University X altogether. If you would still like to apply to U of X and you personally know the affected professor, I would actually consider writing an email directly to her. Tell her of your intentions to apply to the graduate program at her school. Ask her what her thoughts would be on you applying.  Tell her that you are considering her as an advisor and then ask her if she has openings for students. This should allow you to gauge her feelings. And the worst that could happen I guess is that University of X rejects you and you are out an application fee.
Applying to programs in general
As for the field in general knowing of your advisor's misdeeds, it is indeed feasible that other programs will be aware of some portion of the story. This will depend on how large your field is and how well known the university you got your master's degree from is. If you feel that a significant portion of the field would be aware of you advisor's misdeeds, it may not actually be an awful idea to include a short statement in your application acknowledging that, yes, he was your advisor, but that you were in no way involved:

Because my former advisor was recently implicated in fraudulent use of grant money, I feel that it is important that I provide full disclosure as to my association with him. [Dr. Fraud] misused grant money after he was my advisor and I have no knowledge of any misuse of funds while I was a student of his. I believe that the integrity of my work with him still stands and is a positive reflection of my work in research-level [basket-weaving]. If the admissions committee would like to speak to me further about the situation, I would be happy to do so.

This acknowledges the issue head-on and does not leave them speculating as to your involvement. It also opens up the possibility of them contacting you directly and allowing you to explain the situation at further length. Admissions committees always prefer full disclosure. They want to know as much as they can about an applicant's situation and portfolio.
Because most universities will not have any professors who were personally affected by the fraud, I do not think they would really hold against you the fact that your advisor cheated on his use of grant money. If I had an application like yours come across my desk, I would personally hope I would be reasonable enough to understand that you were in no way complicit with your advisor's scheme.  This is all you need to say about the matter. Focus on your credentials and potential, not your advisor's misdeeds. Trying to explain too much will actually make you look guilty. Just be short and up front about what happened, then focus on how you will be an excellent choice for their PhD program because of your research and capabilities.
One option I would certainly look at for sure is applying to the same university that you got your master's degree from. They will be fully aware of the situation and they will know that you were not involved in any way. It's sort of their mess to clean up.
Whatever you do, do not have your former advisor write you a letter of recommendation.

+1. Perhaps the prof at U of X would feel a special affinity with you and take you under her wing, since you were abused by the same person.

Another good idea would be to get a letter of recommendation from someone else at your former university; e.g., a department chair, or someone else familiar with your work there.  Ask them to discuss your work, but also to confirm that you were not implicated in any wrongdoing.  I think that will carry more weight than your own (self-serving) denial.

I agree with @cag51 that the phrasing should be more direct and not longer than 2 sentences.

What on earth is an application fee?

@DonQuiKong most US graduate programs require a fee of around $50 to even look at your application.

@Vladhagen that's .. I don't even ... well, you learn something new everyday I guess ...

I basically agree with @Vladhagen's answer, but maybe enough differences that I will write my own answer.
I would address this very clearly and succinctly in your application. I would write simply:

"[description of research]. Note, my graduate advisor, Dr. Fraud, was recently implicated in financial misconduct. This allegedly occurred only after I had already graduated; I have no knowledge of any misconduct while I was his student."

Think carefully about who will write your letters of recommendation.

Dr. Fraud is obviously a bad choice
But, it's essential you have a professor-level person who is intimately familiar with your research experience to write you a letter

Hopefully you're on good terms with a professor who can write such a letter, or maybe the department chair would be willing to get inputs from Dr. Fraud and transmit them as part of his own letter, along with a description of the situation. If nothing like this works out, you have a very difficult choice to make between getting a letter from Dr. Fraud or applying without a strong research letter.
Other than that,  I would apply "as usual"; you did nothing wrong and don't need to adjust your plans.

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Is it normal for professors to twist the truth about their labs?
This is related to my previous question here.
I'm enrolled in a MS/PhD integrated program in computer science at a South Korean university and have just started my first semester. In the linked question, I discuss my desire to quit my program, get my master's degree, and go for a PhD abroad.
The reason I want to quit is that when I first talked to my advisor in March, I told him that I noticed his lab does a lot of work that I'm interested in (NLP and finance). He told me that he'd be happy to have me and that there are "many research projects in those fields going on."
This is partially my fault, but when I entered the lab, I found out that the professor's main interest is bioinformatics, and that he's pretty much only involved with work relating to that. This is also where most of the lab's funding comes from. The fact that my professor's interests don't align with my own is more than enough for me to not want to do my PhD here.
Most of the students here, including myself, barely get any guidance from the advisor and usually teach themselves or learn from upperclassmen. I'm currently involved in a bio project that I don't want to be a part of. I've told some upperclassmen about my plans to go abroad after quitting my program midway, and they told me that there's a lot of people who are in the same boat. They said I just have to do the bare minimum to not get on my advisor's nerves and then I can do my own thing in the meantime. I was also advised to talk to the professor early on about my plans - despite having me told him twice before already - so that there aren't any misunderstandings in the future.
Is this normal? Do professors usually twist the truth to entice students into joining their lab?

I somehow think, professors (in their early stages) do not twist the truth/reality but say what they are hoping for, which may change in future... I don't have much experience, this is what I think...

I would also like to give my advisor the benefit of the doubt, as he doesn't seem like a completely bad person. However, I am aware that many professors (and people in general) tend to be biased towards what they believe is beneficial to themselves. This is why I asked my professor multiple times about research and future lab life before deciding to join, which the explanation he gave and reality are very different.

I'm not that familiar with South Korea, but there are places where it is customary to tell everyone what they want to hear instead of the truth.  There are also places where that is unacceptable.  Hopefully someone who has experience with South Korean academics will answer.

You may get more answers if your question is shorter and contains fewer details. I took a stab at this; please feel free to make further edits.

I think your perception of twisting the truth is correct, but I wouldn't call it lying if this is your interpretation. The twisting of the truth is more produced among professors and group leaders by students that don't know exactly what topic they are interested in exactly and should pursue for PhD work. I think you are a in a minority, burning for a exact topic. At least when you don't have to pay for your PhD work, but have a salary, my impression is many PhD students choose their department/group/topic rather based on criterions like salary, infrastructure, need to move, location and culture than topical or research-related criterions.
Group leaders need simply good people to work in their labs, and they are looking for really good people or mediocre with very much hands-on experience for a distinct project. A group doesn't act like a company with very specific job description. You need a team that is able to develop and learn, as science never stands still. Maybe your professor wants to go more into NLP and finance in future. Especially young group leaders have to dive also in new topics and broaden their scope. So this you should discuss with him. But in general his "approach" is right to make you interested in his group and not deliver you reasons on a silver tablet to not join him.
If there is too much truth twisting can and should also be proven by you. Good groups hava a good publication track and often an alumni section on their website. This is something I would always throw an eye one before talking to group leader. What research did he 5 years ago, last year, how much people work on distinct topics and has the group many collaborators and of which quality?
The group may currently not work on your topics, but have a better infrastructure than other groups to work on it. This is something you have negotiate and outline with the professor before starting any contract, in best case by a binding research proposal, so there are no misunderstandings for what you will get your PhD and work on mostly.
That competition and working pressure is really high in south korea is not unknwon, as suicide and emigration rates of academics to have an easier life.
I'm not sure why often professors are here on the academia.se treated as holy cows or responsible for everything. No researcher is trained to become a professor like a surgeon, it's learning by doing and they are humans like everybody else with personal inadequatnesses. They are no own species like it often sounds here. If the truth is twisted a lot, then it is rather a problem of academia at your university or country or the general culture. Of course professors are in competition to get good people, like everywhere else outside of academia.

often professors are here on the academia.se treated as holy cows — [citation needed]!

@JeffE ok you are the exclusion of the rule apparently ;-) https://academia.stackexchange.com/questions/tagged/professors alone the questions titles make me laugh :-)

I'm constantly surprised by how many questions here seem to treat professors like holy cows, but that's significantly less common among the answers.

@JeffE [citation needed] answers with most upvotes are often written by professors here, apparently my one is a exclusion of the rule :-) but professors are also asking not much questions on any stackexchange site, attack is the best defense!

I don't think "twisting the truth" happens often in my circles, but you should also understand that lab activities aren't cast in stone. Circumstances change every year. I have to align my activities with grants I receive, with interests of my colleagues and senior lab students, current research trends and so on. While the "core" direction remains relatively stable, it's sometimes hard for newcomers to see what actually constitutes this "core". For example, if I use method A to solve the problem B, what is my core interest -- the particular method or the particular problem?
Perhaps, your case is quite pronounced indeed, but I'd say most frustration from in-lab work doesn't really come from "twisting the truth" about daily activities.


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How should I respond when monetary contribution to potluck will affect grade?
I am currently taking an Art History course. Today was the first day of class, and my professor informed us that we are required to bring a monetary contribution for a potluck. I wouldn't be opposed to this. However, I was taken aback when she mentioned that we are not required to participate, but if so we would not be getting points for the event, which will prevent us from getting full point completion in her class. What should I do?

I'm confused. Are you getting "grade points" just for bringing money? Or do you have to bring money AND participate in this event (which presumably has some educational rationale behind it) to earn the "grade points"?

your title is misleading and so is the description, provide a better explanation.

If you pay for the potluck but don't attend, do you get the points?

I thought the main idea of a potluck is to contribute food, not money...

are there any laws governing grades other than non-discrimination stuff?

@Azor-Ahai Probably not. Which is why I think it makes sense to update the title so it's not about legality and corresponds more closely to the question.

@DavidZ - May I suggest you propose an edit?

@aparente001 I wanted to give the OP the chance to take care of it first, but it looks like they haven't come back to the site in a while so sure, I'll do it.

@DavidZ - I did an additional edit -- see what you think.  // Christian if you don't like the new title, you can do a "rollback."

Is this just a participation grade thing, or will the potluck event be somehow relevant to the class material?

Is there an option to attend but not eat anything (and accordingly not contribute to food costs)?

we would not be getting points for the event, which will prevent us from getting full point completion in her class.

I'm not sure if I'm reading the question right.  Are you saying that food for the group meal will be purchased, and everyone is expected to chip in to pay for it?  And not chipping in would have a negative effect on one's final grade?
If that interpretation is correct, then I suggest the following.  Write an email to the instructor, with a very neutral tone, asking if you understood correctly:

Dear Prof. X,
I'm not sure if I understood you right in class yesterday.  Are you saying that food for the end-of-semester group meal will be purchased, and everyone is expected to chip in to pay for it?  And not chipping in would have a negative effect on one's final grade?

If the answer comes back that yes, you understood correctly, then print out the exchange, make an appointment with the department chair, and show the email exchange to him or her.  Ask if that's compatible with department practice.
Of course, it's possible she didn't mean it literally.  So give her a chance to clarify.

This does seem "legal". You are not getting grade points for sending in money, but rather for participating in the pot luck. I'd like to think this is similar to a field trip. Although field trips are extremely rare in university, I did go on one in my undergraduate class. It was for credit, but we had to pay about 10$ for the school bus. This sounds like a similar situation. If you aren't opposed to paying the money (like you've stated), then just attend.
I once had a professor who cancelled class so he could attend a protest and strongly encouraged all of us to attend as well. That protest didn't really have to do with the class, either.  Now I consider THAT as an issue.

Field trips are quite common if you're a geology or biology student :-)

Is a field trip really comparable to a potluck, though? A field trip offers a way for students to learn things relevant to their course; it can be argued that it's a necessary expense. It's not so clear to me that a potluck is going to help students learn about Art History.

I personally make sure to never require my students to spend money to actually do the course (i.e., if my courses require the students to do something that costs money, I find internal or external sponsors for it rather than having the students pay out of their pocket), but I understand that I am coming from the somewhat privileged position of teaching at a well-funded private research university here. I would guess from your question that this is not the case here.
I think you are not fairly representing what's happening here. The deal quite obviously is not really "exchange money for grade points" (that would indeed be very bad), but "exchange money for participation in a didactic event". This really is not very different than a school forcing students to pay for participating in a school trip.
I don't see how it makes a major difference that participation in the event is graded, but of course practicalities matter here. If the event was very expensive so that some students could not afford it in practice, or if the organizer would turn a significant profit from the event, I would understand why you disagree with this. However, as it sounds, this is literally "chip in a few dollars for food", and in this case I don't really think that there is anything unethical going on.

What should I do?

If you are not opposed to the monetary contribution for the potluck in the first place, I don't see how getting some grade points for it changes anything. So, I suggest you contribute to the potluck :)

I can see a potluck might contribute to learning in a language class, or possibly a food-based class. How would it contribute to art history?

@JessicaB I don't see it as relevant whether this is a good teaching tool. I certainly wouldn't think so, but this does not make it unethical.

I'd see awarding credit for attendance at something irrelevant to the course as unethical, regardless of the monetary aspect.

all_licenses: Creative Commons - Attribution Share-Alike - https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/


text:
For German undergraduate and graduate math classes, does the professor or assistant write the exercise sheets?
For German undergraduate and graduate math classes, does the professor or assistant write the exercise sheets?
In the United States it is typical for the professor to write them. I am curious what the situation is like in Germany.

Or a single department, or even a single professor between classes, semesters, and assistants... (It would really help to know why you want to know -- what difference would one answer over the other make to you?)

At my university in every class I had and heard of the assistant wrote the exercise sheets(and often the exam too). Many times the professor did not even fully know which tasks are on the current sheet. Of course this varies a bit, in later more advanced classes the professor is typically more involved in the exercises.

From my limited experience I can confirm that most of the time, assistants write the exercise sheets and exams (and often the professor has at least a look at the exam). What I want to add is that there is a lot of recycling going on: When it comes to lecture slides, I often notice that many professors just change the name and dates on last year's slides or use the previous lecturer's template.
This is in my experience also true for exercise sheets, at least when the professor is the same. Rather than writing new exercises every semester, assistants combine exercise questions from previous years and sometimes add an old exam question. So it might be the case that a professor has contributed to the exercise sheets when he started giving the lecture and after that, it's mostly assistants doing the work.


text:
How to ask current grad student in a lab for advice about getting a position in the lab?
There is this lab that I want to work for as a graduate research assistant (I'm a masters and hoping for research experience and funding) and before I email the PI, I thought of emailing the grad student who was already working there to get a better understanding of the lab and what kind of skillset that I should develop to make myself more competitive. With that being said, how can I email the grad student without coming off as annoying or ingenuine?

As a PhD student myself I have recieved some similar emails myself. In my personal opinion, the only ones that are annoying are the ones in which the student feels the need to brag about their achievements/grades and talk about why they are fit for the job. If gaining insight into the lab is your biggest interest at this point in time, a short email in which you state your interest about working in the lab and politely ask for a personal talk should do the job.

About getting what? Assistance? Enrolled? Money?

When you hit the professional world you'll find this to be a thing successful people tend to do. A concise, polite note stating you'd like to learn more about what it means to work in the lab is what you want, maybe meeting over coffee or tea or online.

Does this answer your question? How should I phrase an important question that I need to ask a professor?

Please do not tell me this is not a duplicate because no professor is involved.

You can email a grad student but you may not get a reply, depending on lots of things, including how much effort it would take to answer.
You can ask about what the work is like. You can ask for the expectations of the PI. You can ask whether the work complements their dissertation work. You can ask about what skills are most useful in the lab, but this might be a hard question to answer.
Don't make it personal. In particular, I'd suggest avoiding questions about the PI's personality, and such. Don't ask for assistance in getting accepted into the lab or the degree program as it isn't their job to assist anyone else in that.

Just wanted to chime in and agree. You most likely will not get a reply.
When I was doing my MSc, I emailed a few PhD students about lab environment and research directions. No one replied. When I started my PhD, I got similar emails from prospective students. I ignored all of them. I guess its just people ignoring people.


text:
Is it normal for master's students to be sidelined, compared to PhD students?
I'm a MS student who just finished his second semester. The lab that I'm in is fairly large (around 30 people) and there are a variety of students working on different topics.
Here in my country (Korea), people usually enroll as MS/PhD integrated students (i.e., enlist with a bachelor's and exit with a PhD, with an option to exit after getting a master's). I had signed up for this integrated program, but recently decided to exit once I get my master's.
The problem is that since I've decided to leave after  getting my master's, I find myself being ignored. One senior lab member questioned whether I "wanted to be part of the group" (I thought I already was). Further, no one even approaches me about research anymore unless they need help with something (e.g., English writing - I'm the only English native speaker there).
I feel like this is a toxic environment. I mean, I enrolled as a graduate student to study more and learn how to be a researcher, and I still want to do that. But maybe I'm being naive. So, is this kind of behavior
normal? Is it a known issue in my country? What's the best way to proceed?

No idea about anything specific to Korea, and haven't personally experienced this, but yeah, it seems pretty normal to me. In my field in the US it is similarly most common for people to be admitted only to PhD programs, with a masters degree as an option for people who fail to/decide not to continue.
From the perspective of your coworkers, you've decided to quit the lab. You don't mention why, and it definitely might be the right decision for you, but for people around you it might look like you don't value the kind of work the lab is doing, you're just going through the motions to get the master's degree and move on. You also might be perceived as a bit of a burden: you're opting to skip the years in which you would be likely to be most productive and most helpful to others as a senior graduate student in the lab, and only staying for your first steps into research. Ordinarily, if your goal is to "study more and learn how to be a researcher", the best way to do that would be to complete a PhD program, not to quit with a master's.
I think it's unlikely you'll change this attitude much, so I think you probably have to just embrace your decision, put your head down and get through it. I don't think that's really fair, by any means, and is especially unfair if you're working just as hard as everyone else while you are there, but I can also understand why your coworkers might not feel like you're a full contributor.

Thanks for the perspective, I was curious whether it was like this in the US. The reason why I decided to quit is to go for a PhD abroad (not sure how that'll work out with COVID-19 right now, but I digress). My professor and the other lab members have known this from the start, but I guess now that reality hit they feel differently. I've even contributed before (I have my name on two publications with one more coming) and everyone's writing basically goes through me before submission. Just thought it was weird that they'd suddenly take on this attitude. Oh well!

When I was in the US, it was as you say: MS students were not valued. Also, I think most schools do not fund MS students.


text:
What to do with students requesting deadline extension due to the death of a relative (but without a doctor's note)?
I am currently working as a teaching assistant for several courses in STEM in the US at the college level.
During the past two semesters since Covid19 started, I have noticed that whenever a deadline is approaching, on or close to the day of the deadline, a student will inevitably email the instructors (including the TAs) an email requesting deadline extension due to the loss of a relative, which in turn has affected their mental states ("feeling stressed or depressed").
Note that the death of a relative is a common but not the only scenario. We had another student who claimed to test positive for Covid on the due day, but curiously only requested a 48 hour extension to a deadline...While other students simply said something about being stressed out (by jobs, by other courses) and then immediately followed up with some suggested due dates which we should accommodate for the student (or the entire class).
In all these cases, the student has not obtained a doctor's note, which is the appropriate/standard way of requesting for extension. There has been no change to this policy since Covid.
Since we need to approve the extensions and quickly, these sorts of emails always put us in a very tricky situation:

it seems inappropriate to question about whether if a death has actually occurred, how the person is related to the student, or when it has occurred. We just take these claims to be true despite the scant details.
since the situation affects a relative, but not the student him/herself, therefore, this situation is often not distressful enough to have a formal doctor's note, i.e., serious depression or disability. So we would seem rude to send the student to go through this formal and often lengthy process, especially at a time where reaching a doctor is probably inconvenient for many.

I am not sure what is the most appropriate way of dealing with these situation. And I have to stress we have not had this issue before Covid (I've been doing this for years). But this year we're dealing with this on a biweekly basis.
Can experienced instructors chime in on how we can be considerate to the student's personal lives while also hold on to our standards and be vigilant with academic dishonesty?
Should we just let these things go?

Thanks all for the replies, here is a follow up:

it is multiple students, at the beginning of the year it would be 3-4 students per course, but now I guess when the semesters are heating up, its up to
8 - 12 students (for the two courses combined).

it is different students. With about 3 "recurring" students this semester. I haven't paid too much attention to their names.

the problem here are not the medical concerns or emotional stress, but the lack of formal certificate or a proof. We have been giving these extensions like freebies throughout the semester(s) but the assignments now have more weights and we want to be vigilant.

one of the course is my PI's course and I'm sort of the main contact person and we have been conducting this course for many years. The other course I'm the "lead" TA, so again I oversee a lot of these issues. The impact ultimately hits the TAs, as we need to account for all these asynchronous extensions/grading/accommodations.

For one of the course, we have a "we will aggregate the skipped assignment in your exam" policy. Students know this. The reason why they are requesting extension is because they do not want it to be aggregated. The other course we have been giving them 1 time extensions (even though its not in the course policy) and at least one student is requesting extension after the 1 time extension has been used.

Related: Balancing empathy and deferring to the syllabus in teaching responsibilities

Related question: https://academia.stackexchange.com/q/154916/40589

Comments are not for extended discussion; this conversation has been moved to chat. We can only move comments to chat once; please note this FAQ before adding another comment

Should we just let these things go?

Yes. Either the situation is real, in which you would be causing great harm in refusing and distressing the student further OR the student is lying and they get an extra 48 hours. Do you really care if the student is getting an extra 48 hours? Is the ability to complete work within a very specific time frame one of the key learning goals of the course?

While I agree in general with showing understanding towards students and issues they may facing, the way your last statements frame extensions as not mattering is frustrating to me as a grader. As a TA, I've had many students get generous extensions that delayed feedback enough that mistakes they made carried over to future assignments, causing other issues down the line for them and me. In the interest of giving timely feedback for late assignments, I also have sometimes had to make major inconvenient changes to my schedule, including sometimes canceling weekend plans.

No one should be requiring feedback from you have means you work over the weekend, and students will have to understand that if they get an extension, then they won't get feedback in the same timely manner as people without an extension - the understanding towards each other must be mutual. So if the students get an extension from Wednesday to Friday, then they must understand they will get their feedback no by (say) monday, but perhaps by the following Friday. But then our departmental policy is that feedback always takes at least 2 weeks.

Or, the third possibility - the situation is real, you give them 48 hours (or whatever), you request a certificate afterwards following the rules of the school and if they fail to show it they fail.

The problem that this answer, same as many others here, seem to miss or ignore is the massive amount of cases, which indicates that (a) students are widely exploiting OP's goodwill and (b) it's leading to problems for the TAs. I don't have a great answer to what OP should do, but it looks like "just let it go" isn't working out too hot for them either.

A publicly articulated policy of 48hrs for bereavement without no proof is essentially giving a 48hr window to hand in any assignment. So you might as well set the assignment to be due 48hrs later, which will land you in the same spot. This kind of policy only works if it isn't publicly announced to all students, and I think of that as leading to worse outcomes.

Do you really care if the student is getting an extra 48 hours?  Generally discouraging lying and cheating is one goal of higher education...

@J... My point is not really that there is no downside, but that the downsides of being harsh when the student is genuinely in need far out weigh the downsides of allowing someone to get away with it. I'm also not sure that you encourage people to be honest and truthful by always being suspicious of them.

@xLeitix I guess in the end I'd just rather be taken advantage of than take the risk of harming someone. That is, of course, a personal decision. It also helps that we don't have such things as TAs and profs do all the marking, so would be only myself I was making the decision for.

@IanSudbery As an instructor you're not making that decision for yourself, though - you're making it for everyone else in the class who would be disadvantaged by such a cheater.  You'd rather that the rest of the students be taken advantage of, be clear here.  In my mind, what you would rather carries rather less weight here - you have a responsibility to all of the students to provide a level playing field for all of them.  Fine if you have no suspicions, but if you do and fail to act out of a lack of courage or a lack of caring (ie: "do you really care...") then that is a failing, imo,

@J... Firstly, I would never grade on a curve, unless forced and then only under protest. Secondly, that aside, in my experience, extra time doesn't lead to better work, as long as the assignment was given sufficient time in the first place. e.g. this year our exams have half as many questions, and students get 24hrs to do them, rather than 2. This has not changed how good the answers are at all. Why do we set deadlines in the first place? Mostly organizational reasons - so that instructors and students can plan their time and guide students to get X done so it doesn't interfer with Y.

Yes, we care if a student is lying and cheating. This artificially inflates the grade at the expense of other students who actually did the work.

@J.Win. A student with an extension still has to do the work and it they don't understand the answer today, are they going to understand it better it 48 hrs? (if they actaully do, then thats great - my job is get them to understand things. If giving them an extra 48hrs is all that takes, then thats an easy win). Yes, some students will be lying, and thats regrettable, but far more won't be lying, and I not going to risk making life worse for someone having a hard time, in what is already a hard year just to spite the chancer who almost certainly won't do better anyway.

To listen to some people on here, you'd think the point of university was to put young people through as challenging a time as possible so they can prove their worth in a zero-sum life ranking contest, rather than an educational institution where the idea is to work with all students to help them achieve the best it possible for them to achieve.

I just don't think giving someone half credit for a late assignment is "making life worse". If they want to learn the material and get some points, they'll turn it in. That's an incentive that works for me as a student. Balance this against "making life worse" in a very real way for the TA who has to waste time or even do unpaid work, dealing with the liars.

@J.Win. In any couse I teach, getting half credit for any piece of work is worth a least a full grade. In many cases it would mean failing the course. It also makes life worse because someone who may already be in a difficult place in their life (i.e. the death of someone they may have been close to), is being told by someone who hold authority over them that they don't believe their pain is real. At best its another hoop to jump through when this is the last thing a student in such a situation needs. The inconvenience to the TA is a real worry here, and the only one I really see validity in.

I agree that letting things go insofar as not requiring “proof” is the right thing to do but I agree with others that giving individual exemptions should be considered much more delicately.  Some students will have made strategic choices to prioritize (or not) this assignment but not the others.   In such circumstances, I usually ask the chair if colleagues have also received such requests: after all, the situation should affect all courses, not just mine.

Demanding a bereaved student get a doctor's note isn't an appropriate strategy. (A death certificate or notification would be more suitable, but still inappropriate, in many instances.)

Can experienced instructors chime in on how we can be considerate to the student's personal lives while also hold on to our standards and be vigilant with academic dishonesty?

Follow university policy or defer students to administrators. This isn't your problem, it's your institute's.

Comments are not for extended discussion; this conversation about death certificates and French/German law has been moved to chat.

-1 Re: "Follow university policy or defer students to administrators." These kinds of answers (under the "academia varies widely" principle) fail to cover the cases where the university and administrators have no policy, and put it entirely in the hands of the instructor. What's written here is part of an answer. But it's incomplete and fails to address the case that would drive someone like the OP to ask about it in the first place.

@DanielR.Collins Do you seriously believe the university and administrators have no policy on deadline extensions?

@user2768: Yes. I've never heard of any such policy at my institution (largest urban university in the U.S.). https://academia.meta.stackexchange.com/questions/4471/academia-varies-more-than-you-think-it-does-the-movie/

@DanielR.Collins It's literally an issue at every university: I speculate most institutes have policies on deadlines.

@user2768: I'm highly skeptical. But the burden of proof is on you to support your (extraordinary) positive claim, and you've not done so. Regardless, this question still fails to cover the case that would cause the OP to ask the question in the first place.

@DanielR.Collins There's no burden of proof on me. Prove me wrong if you want. The community is satisfied. Regardless, the OP doesn't appear to be asking about this corner case. In any case, if you read my answer carefully, you'll see that the corner case is covered.

You seem to make many universal claims with great certainty, and no evidence, and I would encourage other visitors to read them with some skepticism.

If it's true and you are being difficult about it the effect is far greater on the student (and potentially on you if they then complain) than if it's false and they get some extra time does that really affect you?
Don't waste your valuable time on such matters, I don't think we study to try and become very good researchers to end up checking doctor's notes...

Arguably, advice to "Don't waste your valuable time on such matters" would most directly be satisfied by not entertaining any extensions at all (and not moving around one's work/grading schedule to accommodate such requests).

But that will lead to dreadful student evaluations which will kill promotion chances:-)! Moreover you can always plan your work schedule keeping in mind that you may have to do this.

Disagree on all points. My career path is a specific counterexample.  If you have so many students with expiring family members that it biases end-of-term evaluations, then you have much bigger problems to worry about.

You may well be a counterexample, but counterexamples do not equal generic phenomena. Moreover, my experience is that the number of students requesting such extensions is less than 5 out of over 200 for a typical course, also we are speaking about assignments which count for about 15-20% of the grade so I don't see how this biases end-of-term evaluations. I think we will have to agree to disagree.

The difficulty with your suggestion is that it penalizes those students who submit their assignments on time; even if the assignments aren’t worth much, some will made choices to hand them in.  I agree that some exceptions might be discreetly accommodated, but one would not want to come out as so obviously “relaxed” about deadlines.

They always get at least 4 weeks, so the hard-working ones often hand in at least a week before the deadline, so no practical issues.

One extension with no questions ask is common and reasonable.
You should not demand a grieving student show proof of a relative's death.  I also wouldn't demand a sick student provide a doctor's note.
Going forward, set a policy that any student who request an extension before an assignment or exam gets one extension, no questions asked.  Treat your students like adults who have life emergencies.  Don't make a difficult situation worse for the student by requiring documentation.
In general, I feel this is better as a soft policy that isn't announced in class, as some students with medical issues will need more accommodations, and students are less likely to use it up and then have an actual medical or family emergency.
EDIT
Some students have 2 or more genuine emergencies.  One the second one look at past behavior.  Did the student turn in good quality work on the first extension?  Are they failing the rest of the class?
EDIT 2 - addressing comments
The reason I suggested not to make it an explicit policy is the extension should take into account the emergency situation.  If a student is in a car accident and hospitalized for 3 days then it's reasonable to give a longer extension.  Making it an explicit policy makes it more difficult to adapt it to the situation.
If you want to make it a policy then I prefer making a "drop 1 test or project grade" which lets students miss a single major grade without issue.

Re: "I feel this is better as a soft policy that isn't announced in class..." To me, this is always a red-flag for a bad policy, if you're unwilling to make it transparent or document it publicly.

@DanielR.Collins it's not always a red flag. Only if there are foreseeable bad consequences, and if there are better alternatives. Can you elaborate on that?

I's suggest to handle this similar to how such things are handled with employees, and I'd distinguish two cases:
Where I am (Germany), employees get some accomodation when a close relative dies (typically would be 1 - 3 days paid leave when spouse, child or parent dies; usually needed to organize stuff plus the funeral day).
We're talking here of a time frame rather directly after the death. These are by their very nature requests that would occur directly at/before the deadline ("my mum died yesterday, may I have an extension of the deadline?")
I'd consider it indecent as well as impractical to ask for documentary proof (I have not been asked by my employer for any proof - and the civil register excerpt anyways wouldn't have been available till much later; the death certificate that is available at least in preliminary form practially immediately contains information that is considered none of the employer's business).
However, see @WoJ's comment that documentary proof is routinely required e.g. in France, so better check with your local customs.
The second case is if they are later on unable to work (the "recurrent students"). For that, a medical note of not being able to work would be appropriate. I'm not talking of a full-blown diagnosis of depression or anything the like, here, btw. - just a doctor certifying that the student isn't able to work for n days, the same as they would for an infection or injury. If the situation isn't sufficiently distressful for this, the assumption is that they are sufficiently able to work to meet their deadline (or take an exam).
(I know of several students who were "rescued", i.e. got access to appropriate treatment/accomodation, by the public health officer they were sent to by the university exam office. This was between being sick affecting also one's mental capabilities and lack of knowledge about accomodations and who should get them.
I see this as a collateral benefit of telling students to bring appropriate medical notes.)
Right now the only complication with this is that access to the physician may be hampered by Covid. Other than that, there's nothing wrong with sending the student to the doctor.

it is multiple students, at the beginning of the year it would be 3-4 students per course, but now I guess when the semesters are heating up, its up to 8 - 12 students (for the two courses combined).

Difficult to say whether this is a lot or not, since it depends very much on course size (I've been in courses where we were 3, and I've been TAing in courses with 200+ students)
Still, I don't think it is easy to conclude much from the increase during the semester. Someone may be able to cope with the same amount of stress due to a death when there's only one deadline due early in the semester or the exam in question is only one minor one, but the generally higher stress at the end of the semester with many and more important exams and deadlines may genuinely be too much.

We have been giving these extensions like freebies throughout the semester(s) but the assignments now have more weights and we want to be vigilant.

Being more vigilant is likely a good idea. I'd recommend to take care that this vigilance stays proportionate and equal, i.e. affects all requests for deadlines equally.
For me, it would not be proportionate if students with an actual death conclude that they can save hassle in a stressful situation by getting the extension by any other excuse than getting the extension they're actually entitled to because it comes with a lot of burocratic hassle and prolonged uncertainty such as their passing/failing the course potentially being undecided for many weeks or even months because they do not yet have a civil register excerpt.
The most obvious and sure way for the student would be to obtain a medical note, and while that is good for you since you have a paper trail for your decision, and it will also put a certain hurdle to discourage fraud, an MD certifying that the student is not in a mental state to take the exam or deliver their project for another 2 days will typically not know nor probe more deeply into whether that death is fake or not, or whether the deceased was sufficiently close to warrant 1, 2, or 3 days off since that is not what the medical question is.
As a side note which may serve to decide what is proportionate: we do have lots of oral exams, and at least the more important ones are supposed to start by asking the student whether they feel sufficiently healthy to take the exam now. What exactly happens if they say "no" depends on the regulations for the particular exam, ranging from nothing other than that the exam does not take place now to sending the student to a doctor to obtain a medical certificate.

I'd consider it indecent as well as impractical to ask for documentary proof We have the same in France and you have to provide the certificate (when it is available). There is no question of decency but of law.

@WoJ: thanky you - I updated the answer with the cultural differences.

This is the most practical answer, but someone (office staff) should keep a record. If a death affects a student so badly that they need lots of time and multiple extensions over a period of months, their university should at least notice, if not point them towards some mental health care if possible. They might be playing the system, or they might be genuinely struggling.

@Pam: thank you for emphasizing this. I added a paragraph since comments may vanish.

I once had to attend a funeral and had my employer request I bring the pamphlet from the service. I found this to be a reasonable request.

@DanHenderson: two days before my Diplom defense, the head of the commission approached me saying that he had a funeral to attend that morning somewhere a few 100 km away and whether I'd agree to re-schedule the defense. He offered the same afternoon with a slight risk that he may not be back in time. In the end we agreed to have the defense one day earlier. I did not even think to ask him for any kind of proof. I'm saying this because we're talking about a situation where one adult asks accomodation due to a death from another adult, so IMHO my example applies directly.

Presumably universities have rules about lying to acquire accommodations, like your degree can be cancelled, that sort of thing? That would seem to address the question of lying students; I guess then you need something in writing from the student as "proof", like an email, so it's not a case of you being accusable of lying if it turns out their grandma dies every time they need an extension of time.

@pbhj: The universities I'm familiar with also have a procedure for the more important exams (that you cannot retake ad libitum until you've finally acquired the required knowledge) where the exam office handles all such requests. This automatically means a) that all such requests end up at the same place, i.e. it will be obvious when someone claims a grandparent's death for the 9th time... and b) anyways a formal procedure requesting some kind of proof they can file. This also takes the responsibility off the instructor.

My policy in cases like that is "innocent until proved guilty". So, on principles, I tend to trust students and not question their motives. After all, they have a private life just as well as we do, and I'd certainly feel hurt if somebody asked me to justify me taking time off in such circumstances -- who am I to impose harsher policies on students ?
On the other hand, if the student has an history of looking for loopholes, always having good excuses ("my dog ate my paper"), etc., surely I'd start to be a bit suspicious. Well, even cheater's relatives happen to die, of course, so I'd prefer to catch him/her on a less important issue (the car accident of last week perhaps, or the flu of the week before....).
On the third hand - does it actually matter ? A student engaging in that sort of petty fraud (if it is fraud) is unlikely to be a good student. So Ok, he may get 55% out of a paper (or a class) that may otherwise have earned him a 50. So what ? You're not talking of totally altering the results of the degree, are you ? On that note, I'd make a distinction between a competitive exam (only the first 10 of the class move to the next year) and a regular exam (whoever scores more than 50 % passes). In the second situation, no real harm is done to anybody.
So on balance, compare the pros and the cons:

accept the excuse at face value: con: may earn the student a few undeserved points in his yearly aggregate mark. pro: the only humane thing to do in this case, perhaps even with a few kind words of support.

challenge the excuse: pro: stern but fair. con: if he was honest with you, you really behaved like a prickly as*h**e and distressed further the poor fellow.

On balance, I'd say the benefits of challenging the excuse (except in special circumstances, known liar or competitive exam or something like that) do not counterweight the "cost" of the other options (I'm too lazy to formalize it in terms of "expected value", this is left as an exercise to the reader).

Some courses have a policy where a certain number of lowest scores on weekly homework assignments and quizzes are dropped. Because of this, I'm fine with not granting any extensions. I also tell the student that even though the assignment will get a 0, they can still request feedback from me. This usually does not cause any issues. However, with COVID, I think that it is reasonable to extend the number of dropped assignments.
This is why it is important to have a course policy regarding late assignments before the class starts and put on the syllabus for all of the students to see. You should not deviate from the course policy.

Yes. But the situation we are dealing with for a course is that we already allow student to skip 1 homework without penalty. We do not mention it in the course policy because students tend to abuse that from our past experiences. However, the student will use that up, and for another homework, they will say that their relative passed away. Do you deny them the second pass? How do you deal with that?

Yes, I would deny them a second pass. For the first time, I would say, "I can grant you one extension for this homework assignment, but I can't give any more extensions." This way they know that they cannot expect any more extensions. If they do ask a second time, I would tell them that you unfortunately cannot give more extensions, but if the HWs are not worth much of the grade, I would remind them that one HW assignment is not likely to seriously affect their final grade. If they are still concerned, you could advise the student to discuss with the course instructor.

Also, I understand that you might not have a say in this, and that instructors might want to hide the course policy to prevent students from abusing it, but I think even that would be preferable to a situation where lots of students ask for multiple extensions. The scenario you're describing would not be happening if the policy was made clear on day one.

+1 This is essentially what I do. It's solved a lot of problems, compared to my disastrous first semester teaching where I was giving extensions/makeups for everything without question, and quickly the majority of students were skipping all my tests.

One important point in your question is unclear.  Where you write: “whenever a deadline is approaching […] a student will inevitably email the instructors […] requesting deadline extension due to the loss of a relative”, do you mean different students each time, or do you mean there are one or more students who have made this request multiple times?
If it’s different students each time, then there’s no reason to press for proof, as other answers already say.  It’s a comparatively common circumstance, so more likely to be genuine than not, and if the occasional liar gets one or two extra deadline extensions, that’s not a significant unfair advantage.
On the other hand, if a single student is repeatedly asking for extensions due to bereavements, that is a legitimate cause for concern.  Repeated bereavements coinciding with course deadlines seems unlikely — Occam’s razor suggests it may well be a serial liar exploiting the instructors’ compassion.  So in this case, it would be good to verify the situation.  However, tread very carefully and tactfully! If their story is true, they’ll be having a really distressing time already, and the last thing you should be doing is aggravating that.
In your position as a TA, all I would suggest is notifying the main course instructor of the issue; it’s their responsibility to decide whether and how to investigate.  As an instructor, I would do several things before talking to the student at all:

Look for any other red flags in the student’s work/behaviour/grades.

Talk to instructors from their other courses (current and previous), to hear what they’d seen from this student. Further similar claims of bereavement in previous years would make their story less plausible. On the other hand, if they’ve made no previous such requests but given the same story in other current classes, that would support their veracity.

Talk to the department’s head of teaching (or someone similarly responsible) for advice on the department’s policy/practice in such situations.

If all of these support doing so, then (and only then) I would approach the student (still tactfully and cautiously) to try to verify the claims.

"it may well be a serial liar exploiting the instructors’ compassion" You should hope it's just a serial liar. I'd be a lot more concerned if all those conveniently-timed deaths turned out to be genuine. :-)

Should we just let these things go?

Yes.

hold on to our standards and be vigilant with academic dishonesty

Consider a typical undergrad student. In-person learning shut down in March 2020, and classes have been online since. This means that after the immediate shutdown in March 2020, student had a couple weeks of remote learning and had to do their exams online. Assuming a summer break, they had two semesters fully online since then and it's looking like a lot of places will try to reopen schools for in-person learning in September 2021.
So, in the grand scheme of things, 2 full semesters online during the course of their degree. In my opinion, that leaves plenty of time for the University to weed out the students who don't meet their standards.

I disagree with the answer by user2768 because "This isn't your problem, it's your institute's." is not a solution at all. Yes, you do have to follow official policies, but that does not mean you should not try to solve the problem within the bounds of official policies, instead of just chucking it off to the university administration, who might attempt to solve the problem very sub-optimally!
I also disagree with Ian Sudbery's answer for the very simple reason that it is unfair to other students, and I don't understand how it got so many upvotes. If you want to extend the deadline, you will at least have to do it for every student, but even doing that fails to solve the unfairness because other students would have put extra effort into meeting the original deadline, which may have an effect on their other courses.
So what do I think is a solution? Well, you can make it your policy (stated in black and white right at the beginning of the course and announced in class) that late submissions would not be accepted for any reason but give a few more assignments than are needed to obtain maximum possible credit, with the final grade being computed based on ignoring the bottom few assignment scores. For example, if you have a maximum total assignment score of 60, you can give 5 assignments each worth 20 points, and drop the worst two scores before adding the rest.
This solves the problem because good students simply don't have to do so many assignments, and students with legitimate reason for missing one or two assignments would face no real penalty. You should also announce to students that if they have any legitimate reason that even your assignment grading scheme is insufficient to cater for them, then they must go through the official administrative processes. This prevents deliberate dishonesty, and yet you do not have to deal with cases that are really beyond your capacity to handle.

By the way, there is some mathematical basis for such schemes, because they are more robust statistical measures.

I agree with your proposal but I don't agree that these being "more robust statistical measures" is any valid mathematical basis. Deleting outliers in statistics is only a good thing is these outliers are invalid or uninformative. This often happens, hence the need for robust statistics. However if there are let's say six assignments with different topics and the student genuinely cannot do one of them properly (or misses the deadline without good reason), "robust statistics" is surely not a justification to ignore that in the overall assessment.

@Lewian: I agree with your comment, which is why I only gave it as an informal comment and with the qualifier "some basis". Obviously, if you have different topics, you need to some how ensure that each topic is related to multiple assignments if you want to ensure that the assignment total score reflects understanding across all the topics. However, I think it is best to have that assignments are not a big part of the overall grade, and exams can cover all topics properly. In this way, it matters much less whether students miss an assignment or two even if it drops a topic.

Do not give extensions, just average grades if the reason is valid
Extensions are always problematic.  They create extra work for the instructors, and they may cause a structural unfairness in the course if some students are felt to be getting "extra time".  And from the other side, if someone is genuinely suffering, for example with a death in the family or with personal medical issues, there is no guarantee that simply giving them more time will let them complete that course work in a way which reflects their ability.  Either way, simply allowing an extra 48 hours to complete the work is not a constructive solution.
The simplest answer is to say that extensions simply will not happen.  Any student can submit a reason why they could not complete the work on time though.  For almost all cases (except final year projects, perhaps) it should be possible to look at past assignments and work out an average grade based on those.  If there is some major trauma going on in the student's life, this lets them focus on healing themselves without also feeling under pressure to complete work which realistically they are never going to be able to put their best efforts into.  This is fair and compassionate.
Conversely, if a student does not have a valid reason why they could not complete the work on time (and "my job is distracting me" is certainly not a valid reason) then they get zero.  That's fair too, on the student affected and on the other students.
And the instructors then know exactly what work they have ahead of them for marking submissions, and aren't going to have random late hand-ins to deal with.  Which is fair on your staff too.

I dislike grades, and the rationale for asking for an extension often has nothing to do with getting a better grade.

This is creative idea, but also fails to address the issue in the OP's question. How do you know if they have a valid reason? How do you verify that, and to what extent?

Is there an institutional committee/policy for handling these requests?
First, it depends on your institution's policy. Many universities have a formal procedure for considering such requests, which may well involve a dedicated committee independent of the course convenor (this independence is a good thing not only for ensuring consistency but also because it means that the course convenor need not actually know why an extension has been granted or refused -- this means a student can keep the details of his/her adverse circumstances confidential from all but the committee members themselves). If that is the case, you should refer students to the relevant procedure.
If not, then you must always require some form of proof at some point (may be retrospective)
However, it is possible that, for relatively small extensions, the institutional policy may permit or require the course convenor to make decisions individually (but here in the UK, it is unthinkable for one individual academic staff-member to have absolute discretion over the granting of extensions of more than a few days for formal assessment deadlines). If you are required to take these decisions individually, whether due to it being a small request or due to lack of a policy, then I would advise:

be flexible as to how the student proves the adverse event he/she cites as grounds for wanting an extension;
be flexible as to when the student produces proof of said adverse event (i.e.: permit it to be retrospective); but
be absolutely consistent about always requiring some form of proof at some point, as a matter of due diligence (in the same way that just about any reputable employer will demand to see certificates proving credentials stated on the CV, and also do some sort of criminal-record check or background check when hiring someone) -- make it clear that any student requesting an extension will always be required to substantiate his/her claims, no matter how convincing/sensitive they are (the consistency is very important here, because it reassures students that the demand for proof is nothing personal -- failure to be absolutely consistent about this could lead to accusations of racism/sexism/ableism/religious prejudice/homophobia/victimisation/discrimination on a protected characteristic);
in the event that the student is unable to substantiate his/her claims after having made exhaustive attempts to request some sort of evidence and having given plenty of time for the student to produce it, you should apply any penalties for late submission that you would have applied in the absence of an extension.

Possible forms of proof
For a bereavement, one or more of the following forms of evidence strike me as appropriate:

a note from a medical professional (as you suggested);
a death certificate accompanied by evidence that the student is related (e.g.: in the case of a parent, the student's birth certificate);
a public obituary which mentions the student as a "survivor" (usually at the end -- something like "Josephine Bloggs is survived by her three sons, Adam, Cain, and Dorian, and her two daughters, Beatrice and Eve");
an affidavit attesting the death and the relationship from a notary, solicitor, funeral director, or public official who knew the family and was involved in administering the affairs of the deceased in some way;
the Will of the deceased, if it mentions the student;
the life insurance policy of the deceased, if it mentions the student;
where the student is involved as an executor/executrix of the estate of the deceased, legal paperwork demonstrating that;
where the student was asked to identify the body by the police, a letter from the relevant police force confirming that;
where the deceased died in hospital or a care home, a letter from the relevant hospital or care home;
where the student was officially listed as the deceased's next of kin, confirmation thereof (whether from the deceased's legal, medical, or employment records);
a programme for or documentation of the funeral (especially if the student was Chief Mourner or involved heavily in arranging the funeral).

(this is not intended to be an exhaustive list -- there are probably many more ways that the circumstances can be proven to a satisfactory level of certainty)
Showing proof to a trustworthy third party instead of you
If the student is uncomfortable showing evidence of this sort to you, you could ask him/her to show it to an official at the university (appropriate officials may be a departmental secretary, a counsellor, a pastoral/welfare tutor, a chaplin, or somebody else in a more 'neutral' position within the university). You then ask the official to sign a declaration that he/she has seen documentation proving to his/her satisfaction that the bereavement took place, and keep the declaration on file.
Again, you should check whether there is already a dedicated committee for this purpose (validating/assessing claims of personal adverse circumstances). As I said earlier, universities usually make some sort of formal provision for handling such matters in a reasonably confidential manner.

This is totally in line with what would be normal for a major extenuating circumstance at the UK universities I've been involved with - where major extenuating circumstance generally applies to things that would prevent a student from participating in a formal university exam or major piece of course work (say a dissertation making up 25% all credit across the whole degree), or an event that affected many smaller pieces of work. But this question appears to be more about a couple of days for a weekly homework. At my uni this is down to the indeviduals discretion (in practice or not in theory)

I'll also note that this year the university has a policy that students may self-certify for any pandemic-related extenuating circumstances. This is partly to reduce stress on students, but also to reduce the workload on the departmental extenuating circumstances committee in a year when our students were struggling with poor internet, sometimes in country's that limit internet access and at times 20% of the student body had the virus, and a negligible % of the country's older population (i.e. parents/grandparents/uncles/aunts etc)  were seriously ill/died.

I'll keep it short. The classic answer is students need to show all the evidence needed to the department and not the TA or the professor. Department is the only capable body to trace this being a pattern or a real incident. And Departments can have their own policies to help students by helping them cancel a course or semester past deadline or etc due to tragic events.
That being said, I think maybe you need to frame the situation a bit differently.
Rather than making it about the individual students and trust, let's revisit why they have to be worried about something like this enough after a potential death of a relative to contact a TA and create a chain reaction of stress and guilt. Even if 30% of the time they tell the truth, I would hate for them to be worried about this kind of matter and its impact on their long-term view of academia and the education system.
Here is my suggestion:
Please do the student's mental health over their lifetime a big favor and give bonus points if they submit things early, fully symmetric to the penalty if they submit late. And they can always (pre/post) compensate for being late, themselves by being early in other times. Also, psychologically they are not going to submit early when there is no incentive, and procrastination is only natural in this kind of setup. I suspect if academia moves to this new paradigm, even industry, governments, and other venues will follow and we all have a more manageable world. And as I said before, looking back don't hate academia or the education system.